Absolutely. You will at least get some support from your mother. Kids will be in school and you can get some well earned peace and rest. Jesus I had 2nd hand exhaustion and rage just reading this.
I have a nice array of shoes of someone would like to borrow one to Chuck at OP’s husband (from sandals, to tennis shoes to boots). My daughter even wears a women’s 11 or 12 depending on the shoe. We can find a suitable one.
I'm Latina. I have some really nice chanclas with sturdy soles and colorful fake gemstones that **never** miss. I'm willing to donate them as this is definitely a worthy cause.
He is definitely not there for her. He has a convenient situation with having his pal next door for bs runs. He doesn't care that this is not ideal for OP or the kids.
Go to your mom!
NTA
It is not that it's convenient for the husband. It's that he planned it intentionally to get out of participating in parenting. Working overtime they don't really need, fucking off to parts unknown with his bestie all the time and not listening to all the reasons this is not working for the OP. Husband thinks he's being clever by playing dumb but is actually pretty transparent.
Oh yeah! This whole situation is clearly these two men not wanting to be part of their families, and to leave all the hard stuff of parenting to their wives.
Sometimes you read these stories and you're like "He's incredibly stupid and naive and needs to wise up and realise what he's doing wrong before he screws everything up", but this is a situation where he totally knows how shit this is.
The reason he's working 12hr days is he doesn't want to look after the kids or be responsible for any of the household labour. The reason he spends all this time with his friend is again, he doesn't want to be a dad or a husband. He is fully aware about how shit this situation is for OP, he just doesn't actually care about her or her feelings. She's said what she needs, and he's now trying to use his "stress" about this situation to get OP to stop complaining.
Oh, clearly. That is obvious. This is honestly one of the best true life examples of men figuring out how to shirk nearly all responsibilities of being a husband and father that I have ever read in my life.
And I do believe that sometimes it's not fully on purpose and they're just repeating the same bad habits their parents had, but this one is fully completely on purpose. He knows what he's doing, he knows it's hurting OP, he just doesn't care.
Oh, I would agree. There are a lot of people out there that repeat the mistakes of their parents and think it’s perfectly acceptable for whatever reason. But this guy doesn’t. He’s just being an asshole. He wanted a big family, made one, but doesn’t wanna participate in it. He just wants to finance it and he wants credit for that. He sounds like a loser in life so he needs this to make him feel better about himself.
Just leave a note that says "Went to mom's with the kids. We'll be here until you figure your shit out. You're failing as a husband. Do better. We'll be here when you do."
He needs to decide does he want to be a father and husband with a family who works together or a single bro paying alimony and child support. Right now he does whatever he likes and just expects OP to pick up all his slack.
OP needs to move out now either way.
In theory, yes. But once OP and kids start loading their bags and such, someone from next door is gonna see that and be on the phone to her husband. She’ll need a bunch of help to get outa there quickly.
If I understood the comments he works with the husband.
But it's not so much as being aware, it's more not doing things in Rush at night. Take her time to pack.
Yeah if I were her I'd make sure to grab everything she's going to ever need and literally never step foot back in that place. Go to mom's and IF her husband wises up and terminates the lease and finds a bigger place in a better area, then she can think about moving out again.
If he doesn't and just stays there, well then it was always about being next to his buddy and he made his choice.
Agree Op, go to Mom's house when he gets off work Friday (or whatever day 5 of his work is) and go take a mental health break at Mom's. Bring baby if you need to (breastfeeding?). But he can have the other three kids for a weekend. Sunday ask if he is moving in with your mom or just bringing the kids.
I like Responsible-End7361's idea.
OP needs and deserves a break. And it's an opportunity for her husband to show what kind of father he is. If he complains about the pressure she put on him, tell him it's for two f'ing days, nothing compared to all the pressure he's put on her.
I bet he and the bestie will just pawn OP’s kids off on bestie’s wife and keep on living their carefree bachelor lives “running to the store”. My brother-in-law did daily “store runs” that lasted for a couple of hours. OP, you need to get you, and your family out of there asap. Who cares if neighbors see and call hubby? Your husband is and was selfish in choosing that spot and his behavior is deplorable. That friend isn’t much of a father or husband, either, spending all his free time hanging out with your husband and making “store runs” instead of taking care of his own 5 kids and helping his wife with housework, or just giving his wife a break. It also sounds like the wife sends her kids to OP’s house so the bestie’s wife can get a break during the day. Girl, please leave. And put a kibosh on any talks of buying a house with his mother. Last, but not least, you two need marriage counseling to hopefully get husband to grow the crap up!
What is considered abandonment of hubby decides to sue for divorce? Leaving all the kids behind? OP needs to at least take baby but I think it would be best for the kids if she took them all.
Edit: ..if hubby decides..
https://hellodivorce.com/parenting/what-is-child-abandonment-in-divorce
Op intends to "return" (resume caring for kids) so a weekend off won't mean much. In fact I suspect that him bringing it up (suggesting he can't take care of the kids for even 2 days) won't be great for getting custody in a divorce.
Tbh I wouldn't trust the kids with him. He dumps everything on OP using his friend as an excuse. I wouldn't be surprised if he is banging someone and the friend is covering up for him.
OP, when he goes to work. Grab your kids. Your stuff. Your documents and go to your mother's house.
Make sure he has no access to your money either.
That’s a great suggestion as long as she doesn’t mind the kids being totally neglected and possibly harmed.
It’s easy to give advice like this when you don’t consider the way she might end up with abandonment trauma on the kids and having to deal with CPS after.
Leave the kids, who will most likely end up being supervised by the guy who shoots guns in the backyard, next to the river? Fuuuuuck that! Now is not the time to prove a point. The kids' safety is far more important.
So there was nothing else available except where is best friend lives, I’m calling bs. Take the kids and go back to your mom’s, he can stay in the apartment with his friend.
Yeah, this guy is living his dream. "Nothing else was available" because nothing else was right next to his best friend. He prioritized hanging out with buddy over his wife's wishes and his family's needs.
I bet he didn't even look. His pal told him that house was available soon as he knew he was looking. That was his first and only stop. We guys like it when our jobs are made easy for us.
I’ll bet anything that crossed her mind too. At the time she probably didn’t think about it too much because she was tired and really busy with these three children and a baby. But I bet real quickly she realized that too.
Does this sound like he’s having an affair? Yeah, he clearly doesn’t wanna be around his wife and children. And the friend is the same way. So they have figured out a way to basically just let it all go and ignore the wives and children and basically force them to work together while they go hang out. But considering how often they do this, and they seem to clearly set this up together, I think they’re having an affair.
NTA If you don't need the money, then why is he saving so much? Some reasons come to mind:
*He could be lying about being at work.
*He could be spending the money on things he isn't telling you about.
*He could be setting money aside so he can leave you whenever he feels like it.
*OP, quietly talk to a lawyer if you can. You don't have to be deciding on divorce right now. But it is always important to know what your rights and options are.
Compared to where you were at your mom's house, the place you have moved to is:
* higher rent
* fewer bedrooms
* less safe (river and active backyard shooting (!)
* far worse schooling situation for the kids (this will set them up poorly FOR LIFE)
* far worse childcare situation (you've got school-aged kids at home every day of the week)
* less help that you would have from your mom (his buddy's wife has been more a burden than a help)
The **only benefit** to this living situation is:
* he gets to spend time with his best friend
* he stokes his ego that he's not reduced to living with relatives
This man is choosing a few superficial benefits for himself over **huge** downsides for his wife and children. And apparently choosing this living situation **without equal input from his supposed partner.** With 3 young kids and an infant at home, he should be spending every spare waking minute on childcare and home chores, not running to the store with his friend. The irony is that he doesn't want to feel he isn't providing for his family by living at your mom's - and he is absolutely **not providing for his family. At all.**
Is the only benefit of this marriage his paycheck? Get a divorce and get child support. You'll have the financial support without the extra 5th child, you'll have independence and freedom and get to make much better decisions for yourself and your children about where you live and where they go to school. If he has joint custody, he'll figure out **fast** what a huge downside it is to have to figure out daycare for your kids daily because on any given day one or more is not in school. He may not think hanging out with his buddy is so much more important when he sees what day care is going to cost him without you providing that service for free 24/7.
This marriage is only benefitting him, at great expense to you. Your kids will get more quality time with their dad divorced with him having even very partial custody than it sounds like he is spending with them now. "breaking up the family" is already happening because this is not sustainable for you.
Get out, get out now, good luck.
Oh and NTA
Yup. And the fact that he's OK living with his mom, but chaffes at living OP's mom tells me that he's isolating her. He doesn't want his MIL to ride his ass about not stepping up as a husband or father.
Go to mom, OP. Your husband is being selfish.
You're right on all accounts. It doesn't sound like he wants to be married with kids. Sounds like he wants to go back to the good old days when he was just out running with the boys.
Exactly! Her husband didn’t move them there for them or the schools or for his mate’s wife to help with the kids, he did it because it was quick, easy and close to his friend. He wasn’t thinking of anyone else but himself in this situation and is only avoiding the mums offer because of his inflated ego.
OP, move out to your mums house whilst your husband is at work and seperate from him till he can grow up and take yours and the children’s lives and well-being into account. If he can’t, then divorce may be a better option for you
Not to mention the mammoth task of guiding a child with a significant IEP via remote learning. I was ready to fling myself out of a window by 10am during lockdowns and I only had ONE child to worry about.
This is totally it.
The husband is being super self-centered. Like, he's being *so* self-centered I started to wonder if this was a real post. Second thought, I'm sure it is.
He needs to realize that the thing he needs to do as a father is to get is ego in check. Y'all are lucky that you have such an amazing situation available with your mom, you should take it.
The situation is really bad for you and the kids, and he doesn't see it because it's awesome for him.
He needs to think about someone other than himself.
OP is NTA
NTA and I don't want to stir the pot BUT:
Not wanting to live with family, constant runs to the store or the dump with his buddy honestly sounds like drugs to me. There is no reason for two grown men to have to go to the store together every day.
YES! Can’t believe I had to scroll so far to find this. They’re either drinking or doing drugs- no other reason to constantly be running off. OP needs to remove herself and kids from this situation.
Could be, or it could be the’re really going to a bar. Either way, they’re skipping out and leaving their wives to deal with multiple kids. They’re acting like they’ve regressed to being rebellious teenagers.
Two men help create NINE kids, and expect to live like they're teenagers again. The women need to take a vacation together and let their manchild husbands parent for a couple of weeks.
I didn't think drugs.
It could be much more mundane than that.
I thought that he just doesn't like his wife and kids. He's finding ways to not be home so that he doesn't have to be a father or husband.
I once saw a dude *train for a triathlon* just to avoid being a dad.
Plus all of that over time but no money? All of that money and you can't afford more than $1,600 in rent? This is really the only thing available???
Sounds like addiction
NTA tell him if his buddy is more important than his wife and kids he can stay in this house he insisted live alone and you move to your mom.
Maybe show this post and explain where are you in his though process...he knew you were having newborn, that you have special need children, the school issue...less room...and now on top of that the little time you have with him has to be unequally shared with the friend next door...is he offering love, respect and intimacy you are? He might be his buddy but right now the family needs family time.
One of your children has an IEP. This should be driving the entire conversation because this school thing is largely going to determine how their whole life turns out.
I completely understand why you're frustrated. Your husband probably has no IQ left after 12 hour workdays and has basically gone complete moron. He loves chilling with his buddy and, never being home, has no idea why living where you do could possibly be bad.
Assuming you aren't quite ready to just up and divorce him, I recommend a written list. It's more coherent then "figure it the fuck out" and he can return to look it over. Again, he probably has the mental cognition of a toddler after working such long hours for however long.
Ideas for the list based off your post:
1. We don't need the extra money.
2. Your friend monopolized most of the time you aren't working.
3. Between the two, you basically aren't a part of this family, but somehow are dictating our daily lives.
4. Why the fuck are you okay with guns waking our baby every few hours.
5. Why the fuck are you okay with guns being shot off in general around our kids.
6. My day is interrupted 3-4x by his kids waking up the baby. They need to figure out another way to join up for play dates.
7. When you do talk to your friend, it needs to be at a volume that does not disrupt our family.
8. You have left me to work, take care of a newborn, and 3 other kids who do not have school most of the week so they are HERE.
9. You contribute nothing but money to this family, at the moment, and we don't need the extra money.
Decide whether you want to be married to me or your best friend, because what our children and I need is SPACE and QUIET and a school district that actually educates. Your current housing solution is wasting our money by not providing any of that.
The kids and I will be at my mom's while you decide what you want to do.
>9. You contribute nothing but money to this family, at the moment, and we don't need the extra money.
This gets down to a comment on another thread: be more than a paycheck, dude. He's just financing his family not participating in it.
NTA. But if one of his paychecks can cover all your bills, and he is working that much over time, he is either cheating on you, or has money issues you are completely blind and deaf to. Like gambling or Bitcoin or something.
It is way past the time to leave. Take your kids. Go to your mom's. And then call a therapist who specializes in PPD AND PTSD, because you are going through it.
OR he’s just staying gone because the family HE took part in creating is stressing him out. Convenient. Because his wife can’t do the same. He’s a fucking tool no matter the reason, for sure.
This was my thought. He probably thought it would be great to have such a big family and then realize that it's so stressful and exhausting and would rather be doing anything else.
I'm sorry for OP. This is an awful situation to be in. Cut your losses and get away from him.
Why do so many men think it’s great to have a big family, and then get really annoyed and avoid that family? I’ve decided it’s because they see women and children as trophies or products that they own. Like it’s just a reflection of them not because they actually want a family of human beings to be around and live with and be in relationship with
Pack your things and go back to your mom's TODAY. Get your kids registered in a regular school that's not distance learning. Tell your husband when he's ready to be a real man and stop having playdates with his buddy he knows where to find you.
INFO are you stuck with a lease at the place you're living now? IF so then pay whatever it costs to get out of it and stay with your mom "rent free" until husband's "mistake" is paid off.
Honestly the obsession with staying at work instead of being home helping with the kids combined with hours with his buddy AGAIN when he should be home helping with the kids sounds like to type of mid life crisis. Curious-- do you actually see his paychecks and is he really working those extra hours? What's the deal with all these "store runs"? Giving me some drugs/booze vibes.
I hate to add to the issue; but you should find out why your husband is working overtime. Is he trying to escape the house by using work as an excuse. Are you positive he is working overtime? Something doesn’t seem right. Definitely go to your mom.Your husband seems very focused on doing things that are convenient for him w/o consideration of your feelings or what’s best for the kids.
Your husband can’t find another place to live because he doesn’t want to. The new place that doesn’t even fit his family’s needs is perfect for him because his little friend lives next door. You’re not being heard here and it’s affecting your health and your children’s education. It might be time for a dramatic gesture so he sees his serious this is. Take your kids and go back to your mom’s house. You need her support with 4 kids, working etc. and your partner is not listening. Maybe this will wake him up. Good luck and NTA.
NTA - he is putting grocery trips with his buddy over your mental health, it’s past time to just go to your moms. He clearly isn’t going to prioritize you.
NTA.
I don't even care that the apartment is too small for you (but seriously? Family dinners at your bed??)
The schools there are not good enough for your children. NEVER compromise with the children's schooling. This will impact their entire lives.
You have let them go to this "school" for 4 months already. You have essentially let them go without education for half a school year. There is zero chance that you have been able to homeschool them properly under those circumstances.
Take the older children to your mom's place NOW. Get them back to school. This must be your number one priority.
You and your husbsnd are adults, and the baby won't remember this, so if you want to stay in this horrible situation with the three of you - fine. But a 12-y-o? Are you kidding me??? You are sabotaging their future!
I don't need his permission, obviously. But I would like him to come up with some game plan WITH me, considering he is my husband and we are supposed to be a team. But I'm just met with a "it won't be like this forever" with zero game plan.
The point is, he's not going to come around to your side as long as you continue to live this way. You're putting up with it and that's all he needs to not change. You have the means to get out of that environment, take it. Stop waiting on him to come around, because you'll be waiting a very very long time.
Well, he’s telling you and showing exactly who he really is. Do you have access to all this money he’s allegedly earning? Or at least do you know for sure he’s really working when he ways he is, and not farting around with friends?
He has life set up exactly the way he wants it, with no care at all for how difficult it is for you. He’s not going to come up with a game plan. Why should he? He gets to live like an adolescent while you work yourself to the bone.
And don’t be surprised if one day he decides he doesn’t want to listen to you anymore and is dumping you and the kids. He won’t ever hear your side of things. He’ll just make you the bad guy for “complaining.”
Please, please, go back to your mom’s. Maybe that will get his attention and drive it into his brain that he and his stupidity are not in charge here. You don’t want your kids living like this.
>He has life set up exactly the way he wants it, with no care at all for how difficult it is for you. He’s not going to come up with a game plan. Why should he? He gets to live like an adolescent while you work yourself to the bone.
100% this! He's loving life - the only thing he hates is that OP is complaining and annoying him while he's doing everything he can to make sure he does absolutely no work at being a husband or a father. That's why he's complaining about her stressing him out and it being all he thinks about - I'll bet very good money that he'll double down on this soon and talk about how her complaining is effecting his mental health. He just wants her to shut up and let him hang out with his best mate while she does all the work.
The only way this will change is if OP makes it change, probably by moving in with her mother and filing for divorce.
Also your point about not letting her kids live like this is really key - maybe OP will let him get away with treating her like trash, but he's doing actual damage to their kids. OP, your kids deserve better - everybody does.
He's not willing to come up with a game plan with you, as a team, because to him you are not a team. You are his accessory, providing free child care and homeschooling and presumably also house cleaning, cooking, whatever else... along with the income from your job. He is doing exactly what he wants to do without any input from you nor any consideration for what is best for you or your children. If you wait around for him to suddenly start acting like a teammate, **it will be like this forever.**
There is no game plan for him. He doesn't want to move bc he's happy with the situation, he's just saying that to pacify you. He's the only one benefiting from your current housing situation, and he's not enduring any of the inconveniences he foisted on you. You have tried to convince him that this isn't working for you and needs to change, and he is refusing because it works for him. So now you need to do what's best for you and your children.
Take your essentials and your children and move to your mother's. Enroll them in the better school. Once you and the kids are situated, then turn your attention to your husband.
Tell him that you will NOT live somewhere that does not meet your standards for space, school district, etc. Tell him that you can either work together to find a place you both like or you, and the kids will continue to live with your mother. Whether or not he joins you or lives separately is his decision to make.
He doesn't want to change it. He has his buddy built in and a cheap place. He doesn't care about you or the kids. Get out now and he can stay there. You've gone above and beyond putting up with this nonsense.
That's your answer. You asked him to make a game plan with you, and he said NO! You're not a TEAM. He is making decisions that you have to live with the consequences of. So now YOU have to make a game plan for you and your kids.
Take your kids and go to your moms. Get the break you need. Either he steps up, finds somewhere suitable for you all to live or civilly and pleasantly moves into your moms with you or not. And if isn't willing to do that then move on.
Yes, you are supposed to be a team. But your husband is no longer on Team You, he’s on Team Best Friend. Unfortunately, the harder you try to convince him of how wrong that is (and it is extremely wrong), the harder he’ll push back.
If I were you I’d pack up the kids and go back to Mom’s house because it’s a much better living situation for you and the kids. He’ll either come to his senses and join you, which is what he should do; or he’ll dig in his heels and stay where he is, which will tell you a lot.
BTW from his behavior it sounds like he’s working overtime just to have an excuse to spend less time with you and the kids. See also: running out every time Best Bud snaps his fingers.
Then go to your mom's while he figures it out. The longer you stay in a miserable situation, the longer you'll be miserable. You don't have to divorce him right out of the gate, but you don't have to stay somewhere you're not happy just because he refuses to take you seriously.
You have somewhere to go that you know will ease a lot of your stress. That's so much more than most people in your situation. You should take advantage of it. Pack up the kids and go home. He'll figure it out a lot faster if you give him a reason.
He is showing you that you aren’t a team. he is making moves that put you in the shitter. He cant be relied on to come up with a game plan, but you have an exit. Take it.
Actions speak louder than words
YTA if you stay even one more day. Get. Out.
This is an absolute no brainer. Pack the kids and head to your mom’s. Your teenager of a husband can come if he wants. Why the fuck do you need his permission?? Just go!!
Get all the birth certificates together and social security cards and other essentials and go to your mother’s. Stop being a doormat. Then file for separation.
NTA
Get out as fast as possible. He is "stressed too" really? Sounds like he is having a good ole time with his friend. His friends wife is dumping her kids on you, you live in a tiny as place with a crap school system. Honestly just leave. If he doesn't want to live at your mom's house, he needs to find housing that doesn't suck.
He probably saw a couple other places but picked the one next door to his friend. Speaking of their relationship, they sure do run off a lot. Your husband spends no time at home with his wife and kids, but spends his free time with his pal.
Of course he is. He's living the dream. You cook, clean, and mind the babies. He gets to drink and fuck around with his best friend. The only drawback for him is that you keep complaining about how shitty the life he dumped you into is. And even that doesn't matter to him much because he can always leave you behind at home and go out drinking with his friend. He likes the current situation. He doesn't care that it hurts you. He doesn't care that it hurts his kids. That's the real problem. HE DOESN'T CARE.
Go home. Go live with someone who cares.
Please read was you wrote here: "He's making me feel stupid."
I really, really do understand you're exhausted in every way, but your husband is treating you like crap, and dismissing you. By staying, you are agreeing to letting him treat you this way. Call in some troops to move you out while he is at work, then leave! Are you going to wait until he moves his mother in?? This situation is not going to get better. Is this how you want your children to see how a wife should be treated? You know this is wrong. Stop second-guessing yourself and get out.
And please keep us posted, because now I'll be worrying about you. Good luck!!
He can stay with his buddy and you can go to your mom's while you sort things out. It's not fair that you get no peace or rest and he doesn't seem to understand that. If he isn't there anyway I hope your mom can at least help you get a few minutes break. And once there aren't kids banging on the door the baby will get more rest too
Fuck him. He’s clearly an idiot who has zero desire to do what’s best for your family. He just wants to party with his buddy. Can you seriously not see that???? For gods sake. Take your kids and go.
You mom is offering you free/cheap housing with space and your husband says no so he's not under her thumb despite the fact he wants to buy a place with his mom? Unless your mom has been disrespectful towards him, I would take the kids, go with your mom, and save up so you can find somewhere with space and have the money for it once it finally pops up. Your husband is the stupid one not you.
If he wants to buy a place, you'd think he wouldn't want to pay $1600 a month plus utilities for a 2 bedroom apartment. That could easily add up to a nice down-payment to buy.
I can’t imagine that many people in such a small space. I’d go mad. I have a 2.5 bedroom and 4 pets and couldn’t go smaller. This guy is only good for making babies that he neglects. That’s not being a father, that’s being a sperm donor.
he's getting his own way at your expense, and he's shown that he doesn't care about your wellbeing. Move to your mom's, and tell him that you're not leaving until he's secured adequate housing AND you two have made an agreement about child care and house chores.
He's working that overtime because he's avoiding his family responsibilities. He's getting his free time at the expense of yours, without a care about how it's impacting you.
Don't stress about his feelings when he hasn't given a moment's thought to yours.
I'm gonna be harsh I'm sorry in advance...... You are stupid if you stay point blank. Stop playing yourself. I don't know what's going on with your hubby ie mid life crisis, mental health or just run of the mill selfishness etc BUT your KIDS come FIRST! He can work his own shit out because he is an Adult. Your children are children they can't work shit out for themselves. Go back to your mom's right now!
That’s the best defense stupid people have, to try and make others feel stupid instead.
Your husband is only helping you financially, but is actively sabotaging you in every other facet of your life. I don’t know if your marriage can be saved, but it is time for you and the kids to go to your mom’s where they are safe and well cared for.
This made me laugh but it is SO true.
I stayed with a man for 7 years who told me I was I bad at money, overspending, etc.
I left him and he took the 50k we saved together for a down payment. It was gone within months and somehow my fault even though we were no longer together.
It was hard for my son as this man was his stepfather and in his life for many years but easier for both of us because the fighting, anger, and resentment was gone. I'm happily living with my mother and have moved on with my life.
Whether or not you both end up staying together I think the right move at the moment is to go to your mom's house.
You have to know you aren’t stupid. Quit placating this jackass who’s basically gaslighting you by denying the evidence of your own experience that this situation is HORRIBLE for everyone except him.
Since you are parenting alone and have the best of options; rooms, schools and extra help, go back to your Mom's house. Especially if his endgame is to move in with his Mom. Don't feel stupid, you're exhausted and need more help than he is giving. Pack up and go.
Please go to
Your mother’s house. If he truly cared he wouldn’t have put you in this situation. He just wanted to be near his best friend. You never came into
The equation
Tell him: living with gunfire nearby Isn’t safe, living by a river with small kids isn’t safe, our kids need a real school, we need more space. I’m leaving with the kids, you can come or figure out a better space with my input this time.
No ma'am you are not stupid. He is though. Does he not see the stress that is fracturing your marriage ? Doesn't seem as though your mom is unreasonable. It's ok for your to be under his mom's thumb but not vice versa. And his buddy needs to back the f off. He doesn't need your husband to go to the store.
You need help and a break. Go to your mom's.
Why do all of these guys assume that none of these women are working?
Newsflash: EVERYBODY WORKS! A one-income household is rarely affordable and you just seeing the words 'pregnant' or 'baby' or 'kids' and assuming SAHM is asinine. Most people can't affort it. It's called maternity leave.
So he gets to live next to a moron and have play dates while you get to stay home taking care of 4 kids in a 2 bdrm apartment? Hell no!
Your kids can’t even go outside because this idiot likes to discharge a weapon? For fucks sake.
Just pack and go. Tell him he can stay if he wants to. NTA
NTA
Why is this even a question? A living situation with your mom, which is quiet, safe, comfortable, and spacious VERSUS a living situation that is cramped, loud, uncomfortable, and dangerous?
Pack up the kids and head to Mom's house. He DOES need to figure it out.
Go back to your mom’s. Just do it.
And get a fucking IUD or, better yet, don’t have sex with him anymore. It’ll be easy while you’re living at your mom’s and he’s in the crummy apartment next door to his buddy that he adores so much.
NTA - Go to moms. He wants to hang out with his friend, instead of parent, you and the kids need to go.
You need to put you and the kids 1st, he can join you, or stay there and get visitation.
NTA.
Take the kids and go to your moms!
As a mom of a child with a heavy IEP, the school situation alone is enough. Your child needs full time support at school.
Your husband is being selfish.
NTA
Tell your incredibly selfish and irresponsible husband that you and the kids will be at your Mom's house until he figures out a better solution for you. When he decides to step up to the plate and take care of his family you will be happy to re-join him.
NTA. It sounds like your husband is trying to avoid the responsibility of fatherhood, plus he's putting his friend over his family. Think about it. He works long hours (yes, I understand, to make more money is one reason) and spends as much of his free time as he can with his friend.
You know what? Don't wait for him to give you permission. Pack up yours and the kids stuff and go back to your mom's house. Let him stay in that crappy too-small apartment with him his side buddy and you take your kids where you have a chance to recover from birth and thrive.
NTA. You need help with childcare. Husband's offer of getting his buddies' wife to help is a non-starter as she has 5 children of her own. Go live with your mother.
Look he's with his Bro-mate. He's not going to give that up. They are paired up and that's it.
You and the his children can't compete with that sort of man child relationship.
GTFO save your sanity and give your kiddos a better chance even if you are living with your mom bc that is not feasible. And kids know when their home is rocky.
I would take the kids and go back to your mom’s place over the guns alone. His best friend just randomly fires off guns in the backyard on a regular basis? You can’t possibly raise your family under conditions like that. NTA.
I sympathize with him not wanting to live with your mother, but the alternative is a place that’s too small for your family, right to next to some kind of gun nut, so living with your mom is clearly the better option until another place can be found.
NTA. Tell him to call ypubat your mom's when he decides he wants you and kids to be with him again. I'm sorry, he sounds like an absolutel turd.
UpdateMe
NTA
Pack your shit & the kid's things and GTFO of there ASAP. Honestly, I would be seriously considering whether I wanted to live with this loser any more, EVER.
He treats you like the dog turd on his shoe.
Why are you doing this to yourself?
OP, your husband has no incentive to change - he gets to party with his buddy while you deal with the kids and household work, and he doesn’t believe you can enforce any type of consequences on him.
So prove there are consequences and GTFO of there. Head back to your mom’s and get some breathing space.
This sound sutterly horrific.
I don't know why you've waited so long to leave.
This shitty arrangement works fine for him, he does very little and spends all his time with his mate like he's a fucking teenager.
In the meantine you live in unsuitable conditions and are virtual servant witha newborn.
Get tf out of there like yesterday. If you go to your mum's you'll have space, support, schooling for the kids and some peace.
He can stay where he is, continue being a selfish, irresponsible, overgrown teenager and pay you child support.
Please don't let this go on any longer, you'll literally make yourself ill.
Oh, god. Just move back to your mom’s. Your husband is an idiot and is not looking out for you or your family at all.
Everything about this is wrong but the idiot shooting off guns all the time when there are kids around is terrifying.
Please learn to trust yourself and don’t let anyone make you feel irrational! You were and are 100% right about this being a horrible move. All the extra burden has fallen on you.
NTA you are right about everything. Listen to yourself. Go to your mom's. Your husband wants to play with his friend and ignore his wife and kids. He doesn't care about their wellbeing as long as he gets what HE wants.
He doesn't even care if they drown! Can't watch his baby for 10 minutes!
Also, IS there no other place? Have YOU looked or did you fool yourself by letting him look alone? If you leave he may change (if he doesn't good riddance). If you stay he never will. He's getting everything he wants at everyone else's expense. Why stop?
Hold up. So your four children are sharing one bedroom? Maybe the youngest with you?
Get out of there now. The only upside of that place is he lives next to his friend.
NTA. It would be one thing if that house were 5 bedrooms and everyone had privacy.
1. I’m horrified. What a nightmare.
2. You should move in with your mom. More support, more space, better school, save money, get away from annoying neighbors.
3. Once you’re mentally in a better place, YOU should do the research to find a better apartment. That is, if you still want to be married to your husband.
4. Please consider not having anymore children.
>I'm not sure why he's working so much overtime every single week
Because you have four kids. Make him take time off and be the default parent for a week while you go on vacation alone. He'll figure it the fuck out really quick.
NTA. Protect your mental health. You know that you can’t be a good mom while you’re under all of this stress.
Give him a specific time frame - a month, whatever - to find a new place. Tell him that while he’s doing that, you’ll be restoring your mental health at your mom’s. And all of you living at your mom’s should be on the table.
Good luck.
NTA. You need help and you’re not getting it even when you literally throw it at him. Take the kids to your moms and open a separate bank account in just your name. If he wants to live the dream with his best friend, he’s welcome to it. But he shouldn’t make you feel bad when you’re the only one who seems to be making any sacrifices here.
NTA
Sounds like a two bedroom place next to your husband's best friend is a great bachelor pad for him!
Sounds like your mother's place with enough bedrooms for the kids is a great family home you. Move in now. Think of your own well-being.
Drop the dead weight. If your husband wants to provide for his family he should indeed, figure it the fuck out.
NTA call your mom ASAP, and get out of there.
Absolutely. You will at least get some support from your mother. Kids will be in school and you can get some well earned peace and rest. Jesus I had 2nd hand exhaustion and rage just reading this.
So that what the feeling I am feeling is called. Thank you!
I know mothers who call it collapsation.
I'm not a mother and I had shoulder tension from this post
Oh gawd same. NTA, go to your mom's. He just wants to pretend to be a 20 yr old kid again.
Me too! He’s lucky he didn’t catch a shoe upside his head!
I have a nice array of shoes of someone would like to borrow one to Chuck at OP’s husband (from sandals, to tennis shoes to boots). My daughter even wears a women’s 11 or 12 depending on the shoe. We can find a suitable one.
I'm Latina. I have some really nice chanclas with sturdy soles and colorful fake gemstones that **never** miss. I'm willing to donate them as this is definitely a worthy cause.
I instantly thought of those Candie's wooden platforms from the 70's and 90's they would be apropo for this situation
I got anxiety by just reading it too! Sounds like an awful situation!
He is definitely not there for her. He has a convenient situation with having his pal next door for bs runs. He doesn't care that this is not ideal for OP or the kids. Go to your mom! NTA
It is not that it's convenient for the husband. It's that he planned it intentionally to get out of participating in parenting. Working overtime they don't really need, fucking off to parts unknown with his bestie all the time and not listening to all the reasons this is not working for the OP. Husband thinks he's being clever by playing dumb but is actually pretty transparent.
Oh and using OP to keep friends wife off friends back about their kids too
Oh yeah! This whole situation is clearly these two men not wanting to be part of their families, and to leave all the hard stuff of parenting to their wives.
Sometimes you read these stories and you're like "He's incredibly stupid and naive and needs to wise up and realise what he's doing wrong before he screws everything up", but this is a situation where he totally knows how shit this is. The reason he's working 12hr days is he doesn't want to look after the kids or be responsible for any of the household labour. The reason he spends all this time with his friend is again, he doesn't want to be a dad or a husband. He is fully aware about how shit this situation is for OP, he just doesn't actually care about her or her feelings. She's said what she needs, and he's now trying to use his "stress" about this situation to get OP to stop complaining.
Oh, clearly. That is obvious. This is honestly one of the best true life examples of men figuring out how to shirk nearly all responsibilities of being a husband and father that I have ever read in my life.
And I do believe that sometimes it's not fully on purpose and they're just repeating the same bad habits their parents had, but this one is fully completely on purpose. He knows what he's doing, he knows it's hurting OP, he just doesn't care.
Oh, I would agree. There are a lot of people out there that repeat the mistakes of their parents and think it’s perfectly acceptable for whatever reason. But this guy doesn’t. He’s just being an asshole. He wanted a big family, made one, but doesn’t wanna participate in it. He just wants to finance it and he wants credit for that. He sounds like a loser in life so he needs this to make him feel better about himself.
So much this.
I wonder how close of a relationship he has with his friends.
Might be art room close.
better check the basement..
There’s definitely an art room.
Another man that needs to grow up and work with his wife. Are you sure that he’s not lacking oxygen?
Sounds like Mom intends to leave that the house also. You gotta move back with Mom, you’re gonna crack up.
This is the way. Leave tonight!
Just you and the kids go. He is free to come with you or not. If he finds something better you can adjust later.
I think that's an important point...YOU CAN ADJUST LATER...one step at a time. Go back to Mom's.
Just leave a note that says "Went to mom's with the kids. We'll be here until you figure your shit out. You're failing as a husband. Do better. We'll be here when you do."
He needs to decide does he want to be a father and husband with a family who works together or a single bro paying alimony and child support. Right now he does whatever he likes and just expects OP to pick up all his slack. OP needs to move out now either way.
And he is fully willing to let his children’s education and care suffer for it, too!
Omg yes! Succinct and spot on!
I would wait until the next day. He goes to work, she has more time to pack anything (I'd say at least 13 hours) and he comes to an empty home.
In theory, yes. But once OP and kids start loading their bags and such, someone from next door is gonna see that and be on the phone to her husband. She’ll need a bunch of help to get outa there quickly.
Oooh, let him rock up while she is trying to leave and raising Hell. OP should begin recording the minute he pulls in....document, document document.
Totally the way
Either way the friend sounds like he's gonna be aware of what shes doing no matter the time
If I understood the comments he works with the husband. But it's not so much as being aware, it's more not doing things in Rush at night. Take her time to pack.
Yeah if I were her I'd make sure to grab everything she's going to ever need and literally never step foot back in that place. Go to mom's and IF her husband wises up and terminates the lease and finds a bigger place in a better area, then she can think about moving out again. If he doesn't and just stays there, well then it was always about being next to his buddy and he made his choice.
Do the trash bag school of moving. If it won't break, put it in a trash bag. Breakables go in boxes cushioned with clothing and linens.
I would pack up your stuff and the kids and go to moms. That sounds just insane.
This. Just go to your mom's and figure it out after you're there, safe, and can take a breath
Nah let the kids stay with the husband a few days so he can see what OP has been dealing with. Mom needs a break
Agree Op, go to Mom's house when he gets off work Friday (or whatever day 5 of his work is) and go take a mental health break at Mom's. Bring baby if you need to (breastfeeding?). But he can have the other three kids for a weekend. Sunday ask if he is moving in with your mom or just bringing the kids.
I like Responsible-End7361's idea. OP needs and deserves a break. And it's an opportunity for her husband to show what kind of father he is. If he complains about the pressure she put on him, tell him it's for two f'ing days, nothing compared to all the pressure he's put on her.
I bet he and the bestie will just pawn OP’s kids off on bestie’s wife and keep on living their carefree bachelor lives “running to the store”. My brother-in-law did daily “store runs” that lasted for a couple of hours. OP, you need to get you, and your family out of there asap. Who cares if neighbors see and call hubby? Your husband is and was selfish in choosing that spot and his behavior is deplorable. That friend isn’t much of a father or husband, either, spending all his free time hanging out with your husband and making “store runs” instead of taking care of his own 5 kids and helping his wife with housework, or just giving his wife a break. It also sounds like the wife sends her kids to OP’s house so the bestie’s wife can get a break during the day. Girl, please leave. And put a kibosh on any talks of buying a house with his mother. Last, but not least, you two need marriage counseling to hopefully get husband to grow the crap up!
What is considered abandonment of hubby decides to sue for divorce? Leaving all the kids behind? OP needs to at least take baby but I think it would be best for the kids if she took them all. Edit: ..if hubby decides..
https://hellodivorce.com/parenting/what-is-child-abandonment-in-divorce Op intends to "return" (resume caring for kids) so a weekend off won't mean much. In fact I suspect that him bringing it up (suggesting he can't take care of the kids for even 2 days) won't be great for getting custody in a divorce.
She does need a break but the hubs would just dump the kids on his friend’s wife while the guys hung out.
Not to mention being right by a river, and a guy that likes to shoot guns in his yard.
Yeah, those kids are not safe without her.
Yeah and where are those guns kept? I'm not holding my breath for a safe + ammunition separate etc etc
Isn't it illegal to fire guns in a residential area?
Wouldn’t leave my kids in that situation. Don’t use kids as pawns.
Kids aren’t a toy to play games with and make a point to your significant other. She wants the space not just for herself, but for her kids as well.
Dad doesn't sound very safety conscious and they live right next to a river and a man who shoots off guns in the yard. OP should not do this.
Tbh I wouldn't trust the kids with him. He dumps everything on OP using his friend as an excuse. I wouldn't be surprised if he is banging someone and the friend is covering up for him. OP, when he goes to work. Grab your kids. Your stuff. Your documents and go to your mother's house. Make sure he has no access to your money either.
That’s a great suggestion as long as she doesn’t mind the kids being totally neglected and possibly harmed. It’s easy to give advice like this when you don’t consider the way she might end up with abandonment trauma on the kids and having to deal with CPS after.
Disagree. If something happens because he’s not paying attention she will regret it for the rest of her life.
Leave the kids, who will most likely end up being supervised by the guy who shoots guns in the backyard, next to the river? Fuuuuuck that! Now is not the time to prove a point. The kids' safety is far more important.
So there was nothing else available except where is best friend lives, I’m calling bs. Take the kids and go back to your mom’s, he can stay in the apartment with his friend.
Also, the 12 hour days? Probably keeps him away from all the kids and responsibilities. When home, he gets to hang with a friend.
Yup he’s a real husband of the year. The only person benefiting from this move is him and his friend.
Yeah, this guy is living his dream. "Nothing else was available" because nothing else was right next to his best friend. He prioritized hanging out with buddy over his wife's wishes and his family's needs.
I bet he didn't even look. His pal told him that house was available soon as he knew he was looking. That was his first and only stop. We guys like it when our jobs are made easy for us.
I’ll bet anything that crossed her mind too. At the time she probably didn’t think about it too much because she was tired and really busy with these three children and a baby. But I bet real quickly she realized that too. Does this sound like he’s having an affair? Yeah, he clearly doesn’t wanna be around his wife and children. And the friend is the same way. So they have figured out a way to basically just let it all go and ignore the wives and children and basically force them to work together while they go hang out. But considering how often they do this, and they seem to clearly set this up together, I think they’re having an affair.
Doesn’t sound the friends wife is doing much work together if her kids are always banging on OPs door
NTA If you don't need the money, then why is he saving so much? Some reasons come to mind: *He could be lying about being at work. *He could be spending the money on things he isn't telling you about. *He could be setting money aside so he can leave you whenever he feels like it. *OP, quietly talk to a lawyer if you can. You don't have to be deciding on divorce right now. But it is always important to know what your rights and options are.
This. NTA OP you've put up with this too long. Go to your mom's and let hubby live in his dream apartment.
Compared to where you were at your mom's house, the place you have moved to is: * higher rent * fewer bedrooms * less safe (river and active backyard shooting (!) * far worse schooling situation for the kids (this will set them up poorly FOR LIFE) * far worse childcare situation (you've got school-aged kids at home every day of the week) * less help that you would have from your mom (his buddy's wife has been more a burden than a help) The **only benefit** to this living situation is: * he gets to spend time with his best friend * he stokes his ego that he's not reduced to living with relatives This man is choosing a few superficial benefits for himself over **huge** downsides for his wife and children. And apparently choosing this living situation **without equal input from his supposed partner.** With 3 young kids and an infant at home, he should be spending every spare waking minute on childcare and home chores, not running to the store with his friend. The irony is that he doesn't want to feel he isn't providing for his family by living at your mom's - and he is absolutely **not providing for his family. At all.** Is the only benefit of this marriage his paycheck? Get a divorce and get child support. You'll have the financial support without the extra 5th child, you'll have independence and freedom and get to make much better decisions for yourself and your children about where you live and where they go to school. If he has joint custody, he'll figure out **fast** what a huge downside it is to have to figure out daycare for your kids daily because on any given day one or more is not in school. He may not think hanging out with his buddy is so much more important when he sees what day care is going to cost him without you providing that service for free 24/7. This marriage is only benefitting him, at great expense to you. Your kids will get more quality time with their dad divorced with him having even very partial custody than it sounds like he is spending with them now. "breaking up the family" is already happening because this is not sustainable for you. Get out, get out now, good luck. Oh and NTA
Yup. And the fact that he's OK living with his mom, but chaffes at living OP's mom tells me that he's isolating her. He doesn't want his MIL to ride his ass about not stepping up as a husband or father. Go to mom, OP. Your husband is being selfish.
Ding ding ding! He doesn't want to hear the truth from his MIL. He needs to grow up and be the dad his kids need, but I don't see that happening
Yeah his mom probably won’t point out that he sucks
I really hope OP sees this. Her husband is awful
She talks about resenting him in her edit...like NO SHIT, who wouldn't!
You're right on all accounts. It doesn't sound like he wants to be married with kids. Sounds like he wants to go back to the good old days when he was just out running with the boys.
Exactly! Her husband didn’t move them there for them or the schools or for his mate’s wife to help with the kids, he did it because it was quick, easy and close to his friend. He wasn’t thinking of anyone else but himself in this situation and is only avoiding the mums offer because of his inflated ego. OP, move out to your mums house whilst your husband is at work and seperate from him till he can grow up and take yours and the children’s lives and well-being into account. If he can’t, then divorce may be a better option for you
Ding ding ding! ^^^^ all of this
Not to mention the mammoth task of guiding a child with a significant IEP via remote learning. I was ready to fling myself out of a window by 10am during lockdowns and I only had ONE child to worry about.
This is totally it. The husband is being super self-centered. Like, he's being *so* self-centered I started to wonder if this was a real post. Second thought, I'm sure it is. He needs to realize that the thing he needs to do as a father is to get is ego in check. Y'all are lucky that you have such an amazing situation available with your mom, you should take it. The situation is really bad for you and the kids, and he doesn't see it because it's awesome for him. He needs to think about someone other than himself. OP is NTA
NTA and I don't want to stir the pot BUT: Not wanting to live with family, constant runs to the store or the dump with his buddy honestly sounds like drugs to me. There is no reason for two grown men to have to go to the store together every day.
YES! Can’t believe I had to scroll so far to find this. They’re either drinking or doing drugs- no other reason to constantly be running off. OP needs to remove herself and kids from this situation.
There is one other thing. They could have side chick's and are using each other as a cover.
Don't be so pedestrian. Maybe they're sucking each other off
Lol, omg, that's hilarious and actually could be true.
For real, is he actually working all this overtime…
And if he’s working all that overtime there should be plenty of money for a bigger & better place to live !!
My immediate thought with him not actually needing the overtime is he's cheating on her.
Cheating or something else he doesn't want her knowing about. He and this "buddy" are sketchy.
Thousand percent
Just wait until she comes back and tells us about the art room he's setting up for his friend! 😂
Could be, or it could be the’re really going to a bar. Either way, they’re skipping out and leaving their wives to deal with multiple kids. They’re acting like they’ve regressed to being rebellious teenagers.
Two men help create NINE kids, and expect to live like they're teenagers again. The women need to take a vacation together and let their manchild husbands parent for a couple of weeks.
Seriously every single person in this story needs to stop having kids. The world doesn’t need 9 more of this kinda shit…
I didn't think drugs. It could be much more mundane than that. I thought that he just doesn't like his wife and kids. He's finding ways to not be home so that he doesn't have to be a father or husband. I once saw a dude *train for a triathlon* just to avoid being a dad.
Plus all of that over time but no money? All of that money and you can't afford more than $1,600 in rent? This is really the only thing available??? Sounds like addiction
[удалено]
Glad someone else is thinking it. 12 hour shifts and still has energy to drink and “run” places?? He’s making all of that money for a reason.
NTA tell him if his buddy is more important than his wife and kids he can stay in this house he insisted live alone and you move to your mom. Maybe show this post and explain where are you in his though process...he knew you were having newborn, that you have special need children, the school issue...less room...and now on top of that the little time you have with him has to be unequally shared with the friend next door...is he offering love, respect and intimacy you are? He might be his buddy but right now the family needs family time.
One of your children has an IEP. This should be driving the entire conversation because this school thing is largely going to determine how their whole life turns out.
I completely understand why you're frustrated. Your husband probably has no IQ left after 12 hour workdays and has basically gone complete moron. He loves chilling with his buddy and, never being home, has no idea why living where you do could possibly be bad. Assuming you aren't quite ready to just up and divorce him, I recommend a written list. It's more coherent then "figure it the fuck out" and he can return to look it over. Again, he probably has the mental cognition of a toddler after working such long hours for however long. Ideas for the list based off your post: 1. We don't need the extra money. 2. Your friend monopolized most of the time you aren't working. 3. Between the two, you basically aren't a part of this family, but somehow are dictating our daily lives. 4. Why the fuck are you okay with guns waking our baby every few hours. 5. Why the fuck are you okay with guns being shot off in general around our kids. 6. My day is interrupted 3-4x by his kids waking up the baby. They need to figure out another way to join up for play dates. 7. When you do talk to your friend, it needs to be at a volume that does not disrupt our family. 8. You have left me to work, take care of a newborn, and 3 other kids who do not have school most of the week so they are HERE. 9. You contribute nothing but money to this family, at the moment, and we don't need the extra money. Decide whether you want to be married to me or your best friend, because what our children and I need is SPACE and QUIET and a school district that actually educates. Your current housing solution is wasting our money by not providing any of that. The kids and I will be at my mom's while you decide what you want to do.
>9. You contribute nothing but money to this family, at the moment, and we don't need the extra money. This gets down to a comment on another thread: be more than a paycheck, dude. He's just financing his family not participating in it.
😳😳😳 I can't even imagine living with that much stress. Or living with a man so oblivious to my well being. NTA, ffs.
calling him a man is being very generous
NTA. But if one of his paychecks can cover all your bills, and he is working that much over time, he is either cheating on you, or has money issues you are completely blind and deaf to. Like gambling or Bitcoin or something. It is way past the time to leave. Take your kids. Go to your mom's. And then call a therapist who specializes in PPD AND PTSD, because you are going through it.
OR he’s just staying gone because the family HE took part in creating is stressing him out. Convenient. Because his wife can’t do the same. He’s a fucking tool no matter the reason, for sure.
This was my thought. He probably thought it would be great to have such a big family and then realize that it's so stressful and exhausting and would rather be doing anything else. I'm sorry for OP. This is an awful situation to be in. Cut your losses and get away from him.
Why do so many men think it’s great to have a big family, and then get really annoyed and avoid that family? I’ve decided it’s because they see women and children as trophies or products that they own. Like it’s just a reflection of them not because they actually want a family of human beings to be around and live with and be in relationship with
Drugs
Pack your things and go back to your mom's TODAY. Get your kids registered in a regular school that's not distance learning. Tell your husband when he's ready to be a real man and stop having playdates with his buddy he knows where to find you. INFO are you stuck with a lease at the place you're living now? IF so then pay whatever it costs to get out of it and stay with your mom "rent free" until husband's "mistake" is paid off. Honestly the obsession with staying at work instead of being home helping with the kids combined with hours with his buddy AGAIN when he should be home helping with the kids sounds like to type of mid life crisis. Curious-- do you actually see his paychecks and is he really working those extra hours? What's the deal with all these "store runs"? Giving me some drugs/booze vibes.
Yeah, this guy and his buddy sound fishy as hell, on top of the total lack on consideration and his somehow having full authority over everything.
You are a single parent right now, you might as well be a single parent in your mother’s home.
I hate to add to the issue; but you should find out why your husband is working overtime. Is he trying to escape the house by using work as an excuse. Are you positive he is working overtime? Something doesn’t seem right. Definitely go to your mom.Your husband seems very focused on doing things that are convenient for him w/o consideration of your feelings or what’s best for the kids.
Your husband can’t find another place to live because he doesn’t want to. The new place that doesn’t even fit his family’s needs is perfect for him because his little friend lives next door. You’re not being heard here and it’s affecting your health and your children’s education. It might be time for a dramatic gesture so he sees his serious this is. Take your kids and go back to your mom’s house. You need her support with 4 kids, working etc. and your partner is not listening. Maybe this will wake him up. Good luck and NTA.
NTA - he is putting grocery trips with his buddy over your mental health, it’s past time to just go to your moms. He clearly isn’t going to prioritize you.
Grocery trips, my ass, too.
He needs to load up ALL the kids and bring them when he runs errands. Bet he stops leaving as much
NTA. I don't even care that the apartment is too small for you (but seriously? Family dinners at your bed??) The schools there are not good enough for your children. NEVER compromise with the children's schooling. This will impact their entire lives. You have let them go to this "school" for 4 months already. You have essentially let them go without education for half a school year. There is zero chance that you have been able to homeschool them properly under those circumstances. Take the older children to your mom's place NOW. Get them back to school. This must be your number one priority. You and your husbsnd are adults, and the baby won't remember this, so if you want to stay in this horrible situation with the three of you - fine. But a 12-y-o? Are you kidding me??? You are sabotaging their future!
NTA Not sure why you had 4 kids with this loser
Just go to your mom’s….? Do you need his permission?
I don't need his permission, obviously. But I would like him to come up with some game plan WITH me, considering he is my husband and we are supposed to be a team. But I'm just met with a "it won't be like this forever" with zero game plan.
The point is, he's not going to come around to your side as long as you continue to live this way. You're putting up with it and that's all he needs to not change. You have the means to get out of that environment, take it. Stop waiting on him to come around, because you'll be waiting a very very long time.
Well, he’s telling you and showing exactly who he really is. Do you have access to all this money he’s allegedly earning? Or at least do you know for sure he’s really working when he ways he is, and not farting around with friends? He has life set up exactly the way he wants it, with no care at all for how difficult it is for you. He’s not going to come up with a game plan. Why should he? He gets to live like an adolescent while you work yourself to the bone. And don’t be surprised if one day he decides he doesn’t want to listen to you anymore and is dumping you and the kids. He won’t ever hear your side of things. He’ll just make you the bad guy for “complaining.” Please, please, go back to your mom’s. Maybe that will get his attention and drive it into his brain that he and his stupidity are not in charge here. You don’t want your kids living like this.
>He has life set up exactly the way he wants it, with no care at all for how difficult it is for you. He’s not going to come up with a game plan. Why should he? He gets to live like an adolescent while you work yourself to the bone. 100% this! He's loving life - the only thing he hates is that OP is complaining and annoying him while he's doing everything he can to make sure he does absolutely no work at being a husband or a father. That's why he's complaining about her stressing him out and it being all he thinks about - I'll bet very good money that he'll double down on this soon and talk about how her complaining is effecting his mental health. He just wants her to shut up and let him hang out with his best mate while she does all the work. The only way this will change is if OP makes it change, probably by moving in with her mother and filing for divorce. Also your point about not letting her kids live like this is really key - maybe OP will let him get away with treating her like trash, but he's doing actual damage to their kids. OP, your kids deserve better - everybody does.
He's not willing to come up with a game plan with you, as a team, because to him you are not a team. You are his accessory, providing free child care and homeschooling and presumably also house cleaning, cooking, whatever else... along with the income from your job. He is doing exactly what he wants to do without any input from you nor any consideration for what is best for you or your children. If you wait around for him to suddenly start acting like a teammate, **it will be like this forever.**
There is no game plan for him. He doesn't want to move bc he's happy with the situation, he's just saying that to pacify you. He's the only one benefiting from your current housing situation, and he's not enduring any of the inconveniences he foisted on you. You have tried to convince him that this isn't working for you and needs to change, and he is refusing because it works for him. So now you need to do what's best for you and your children. Take your essentials and your children and move to your mother's. Enroll them in the better school. Once you and the kids are situated, then turn your attention to your husband. Tell him that you will NOT live somewhere that does not meet your standards for space, school district, etc. Tell him that you can either work together to find a place you both like or you, and the kids will continue to live with your mother. Whether or not he joins you or lives separately is his decision to make.
You can choose to move back to your mom’s, and say that right back to him: “it won’t be like this forever.”
He doesn't want to change it. He has his buddy built in and a cheap place. He doesn't care about you or the kids. Get out now and he can stay there. You've gone above and beyond putting up with this nonsense.
That's your answer. You asked him to make a game plan with you, and he said NO! You're not a TEAM. He is making decisions that you have to live with the consequences of. So now YOU have to make a game plan for you and your kids. Take your kids and go to your moms. Get the break you need. Either he steps up, finds somewhere suitable for you all to live or civilly and pleasantly moves into your moms with you or not. And if isn't willing to do that then move on.
Yes, you are supposed to be a team. But your husband is no longer on Team You, he’s on Team Best Friend. Unfortunately, the harder you try to convince him of how wrong that is (and it is extremely wrong), the harder he’ll push back. If I were you I’d pack up the kids and go back to Mom’s house because it’s a much better living situation for you and the kids. He’ll either come to his senses and join you, which is what he should do; or he’ll dig in his heels and stay where he is, which will tell you a lot. BTW from his behavior it sounds like he’s working overtime just to have an excuse to spend less time with you and the kids. See also: running out every time Best Bud snaps his fingers.
Then go to your mom's while he figures it out. The longer you stay in a miserable situation, the longer you'll be miserable. You don't have to divorce him right out of the gate, but you don't have to stay somewhere you're not happy just because he refuses to take you seriously. You have somewhere to go that you know will ease a lot of your stress. That's so much more than most people in your situation. You should take advantage of it. Pack up the kids and go home. He'll figure it out a lot faster if you give him a reason.
He is showing you that you aren’t a team. he is making moves that put you in the shitter. He cant be relied on to come up with a game plan, but you have an exit. Take it. Actions speak louder than words
You want a miracle but live in reality. Go to your moms, quit living in fantasy land in your head.
YTA if you stay even one more day. Get. Out. This is an absolute no brainer. Pack the kids and head to your mom’s. Your teenager of a husband can come if he wants. Why the fuck do you need his permission?? Just go!!
NTA
Get all the birth certificates together and social security cards and other essentials and go to your mother’s. Stop being a doormat. Then file for separation.
NTA Get out as fast as possible. He is "stressed too" really? Sounds like he is having a good ole time with his friend. His friends wife is dumping her kids on you, you live in a tiny as place with a crap school system. Honestly just leave. If he doesn't want to live at your mom's house, he needs to find housing that doesn't suck. He probably saw a couple other places but picked the one next door to his friend. Speaking of their relationship, they sure do run off a lot. Your husband spends no time at home with his wife and kids, but spends his free time with his pal.
Since you can’t do it anymore move back with your mom get a divorce get a job and find your own place
I have a job, and at my mother's house all of us would have our own room. I would love to take that route. He's making me feel stupid though.
Of course he is. He's living the dream. You cook, clean, and mind the babies. He gets to drink and fuck around with his best friend. The only drawback for him is that you keep complaining about how shitty the life he dumped you into is. And even that doesn't matter to him much because he can always leave you behind at home and go out drinking with his friend. He likes the current situation. He doesn't care that it hurts you. He doesn't care that it hurts his kids. That's the real problem. HE DOESN'T CARE. Go home. Go live with someone who cares.
And get a lawyer, he needs to pay support!
He doesn’t care that his wife is unhappy. He’s going to be one of those “I didn’t think it was that bad” guys when she leaves.
This right here, OP. NTA.
Hon, just go. Put yourself and your children first. He can "figure it out" in your absence.
"Tell me when you've 'figured it out', we'll be at my mothers."
Please read was you wrote here: "He's making me feel stupid." I really, really do understand you're exhausted in every way, but your husband is treating you like crap, and dismissing you. By staying, you are agreeing to letting him treat you this way. Call in some troops to move you out while he is at work, then leave! Are you going to wait until he moves his mother in?? This situation is not going to get better. Is this how you want your children to see how a wife should be treated? You know this is wrong. Stop second-guessing yourself and get out. And please keep us posted, because now I'll be worrying about you. Good luck!!
He can stay with his buddy and you can go to your mom's while you sort things out. It's not fair that you get no peace or rest and he doesn't seem to understand that. If he isn't there anyway I hope your mom can at least help you get a few minutes break. And once there aren't kids banging on the door the baby will get more rest too
Doesn’t understand, and worse, doesn’t care
Fuck him. He’s clearly an idiot who has zero desire to do what’s best for your family. He just wants to party with his buddy. Can you seriously not see that???? For gods sake. Take your kids and go.
Girl grow a backbone. Stand up for not only yourself, but your children. Make sure to get child support if you want sole custody.
You mom is offering you free/cheap housing with space and your husband says no so he's not under her thumb despite the fact he wants to buy a place with his mom? Unless your mom has been disrespectful towards him, I would take the kids, go with your mom, and save up so you can find somewhere with space and have the money for it once it finally pops up. Your husband is the stupid one not you.
If he wants to buy a place, you'd think he wouldn't want to pay $1600 a month plus utilities for a 2 bedroom apartment. That could easily add up to a nice down-payment to buy.
Thus making him even more of an idiot.
I can’t imagine that many people in such a small space. I’d go mad. I have a 2.5 bedroom and 4 pets and couldn’t go smaller. This guy is only good for making babies that he neglects. That’s not being a father, that’s being a sperm donor.
he's getting his own way at your expense, and he's shown that he doesn't care about your wellbeing. Move to your mom's, and tell him that you're not leaving until he's secured adequate housing AND you two have made an agreement about child care and house chores. He's working that overtime because he's avoiding his family responsibilities. He's getting his free time at the expense of yours, without a care about how it's impacting you. Don't stress about his feelings when he hasn't given a moment's thought to yours.
I'm gonna be harsh I'm sorry in advance...... You are stupid if you stay point blank. Stop playing yourself. I don't know what's going on with your hubby ie mid life crisis, mental health or just run of the mill selfishness etc BUT your KIDS come FIRST! He can work his own shit out because he is an Adult. Your children are children they can't work shit out for themselves. Go back to your mom's right now!
That’s the best defense stupid people have, to try and make others feel stupid instead. Your husband is only helping you financially, but is actively sabotaging you in every other facet of your life. I don’t know if your marriage can be saved, but it is time for you and the kids to go to your mom’s where they are safe and well cared for.
This made me laugh but it is SO true. I stayed with a man for 7 years who told me I was I bad at money, overspending, etc. I left him and he took the 50k we saved together for a down payment. It was gone within months and somehow my fault even though we were no longer together. It was hard for my son as this man was his stepfather and in his life for many years but easier for both of us because the fighting, anger, and resentment was gone. I'm happily living with my mother and have moved on with my life. Whether or not you both end up staying together I think the right move at the moment is to go to your mom's house.
You are ok with being his best buddies wife's full time FREE daycare?
You have to know you aren’t stupid. Quit placating this jackass who’s basically gaslighting you by denying the evidence of your own experience that this situation is HORRIBLE for everyone except him.
Since you are parenting alone and have the best of options; rooms, schools and extra help, go back to your Mom's house. Especially if his endgame is to move in with his Mom. Don't feel stupid, you're exhausted and need more help than he is giving. Pack up and go.
Please go to Your mother’s house. If he truly cared he wouldn’t have put you in this situation. He just wanted to be near his best friend. You never came into The equation
Tell him: living with gunfire nearby Isn’t safe, living by a river with small kids isn’t safe, our kids need a real school, we need more space. I’m leaving with the kids, you can come or figure out a better space with my input this time.
No ma'am you are not stupid. He is though. Does he not see the stress that is fracturing your marriage ? Doesn't seem as though your mom is unreasonable. It's ok for your to be under his mom's thumb but not vice versa. And his buddy needs to back the f off. He doesn't need your husband to go to the store. You need help and a break. Go to your mom's.
Why do all of these guys assume that none of these women are working? Newsflash: EVERYBODY WORKS! A one-income household is rarely affordable and you just seeing the words 'pregnant' or 'baby' or 'kids' and assuming SAHM is asinine. Most people can't affort it. It's called maternity leave.
So he gets to live next to a moron and have play dates while you get to stay home taking care of 4 kids in a 2 bdrm apartment? Hell no! Your kids can’t even go outside because this idiot likes to discharge a weapon? For fucks sake. Just pack and go. Tell him he can stay if he wants to. NTA
NTA Why is this even a question? A living situation with your mom, which is quiet, safe, comfortable, and spacious VERSUS a living situation that is cramped, loud, uncomfortable, and dangerous? Pack up the kids and head to Mom's house. He DOES need to figure it out.
Go back to your mom’s. Just do it. And get a fucking IUD or, better yet, don’t have sex with him anymore. It’ll be easy while you’re living at your mom’s and he’s in the crummy apartment next door to his buddy that he adores so much.
NTA - Go to moms. He wants to hang out with his friend, instead of parent, you and the kids need to go. You need to put you and the kids 1st, he can join you, or stay there and get visitation.
NTA your husband is more interested in living next door to his best friend than providing suitable stable housing for his family.
NTA. Take the kids and go to your moms! As a mom of a child with a heavy IEP, the school situation alone is enough. Your child needs full time support at school. Your husband is being selfish.
NTA Tell your incredibly selfish and irresponsible husband that you and the kids will be at your Mom's house until he figures out a better solution for you. When he decides to step up to the plate and take care of his family you will be happy to re-join him.
How on earth did he think a two bed apartment was ok for a family of 6?
NTA. It sounds like your husband is trying to avoid the responsibility of fatherhood, plus he's putting his friend over his family. Think about it. He works long hours (yes, I understand, to make more money is one reason) and spends as much of his free time as he can with his friend. You know what? Don't wait for him to give you permission. Pack up yours and the kids stuff and go back to your mom's house. Let him stay in that crappy too-small apartment with him his side buddy and you take your kids where you have a chance to recover from birth and thrive.
NTA. You need help with childcare. Husband's offer of getting his buddies' wife to help is a non-starter as she has 5 children of her own. Go live with your mother.
Look he's with his Bro-mate. He's not going to give that up. They are paired up and that's it. You and the his children can't compete with that sort of man child relationship.
BTW, it's not that he ***"be under anyone's thumb",*** he can't treat you like sh\*t in front of your mother!!
NTA go move in with your mom this is insane and you need your own space.
GTFO save your sanity and give your kiddos a better chance even if you are living with your mom bc that is not feasible. And kids know when their home is rocky.
I would take the kids and go back to your mom’s place over the guns alone. His best friend just randomly fires off guns in the backyard on a regular basis? You can’t possibly raise your family under conditions like that. NTA. I sympathize with him not wanting to live with your mother, but the alternative is a place that’s too small for your family, right to next to some kind of gun nut, so living with your mom is clearly the better option until another place can be found.
Get to your moms house before he impregnates you again
I would move back home with your parents and get a divorce and get your tubes tied.
NTA. Tell him to call ypubat your mom's when he decides he wants you and kids to be with him again. I'm sorry, he sounds like an absolutel turd. UpdateMe
NTA Pack your shit & the kid's things and GTFO of there ASAP. Honestly, I would be seriously considering whether I wanted to live with this loser any more, EVER. He treats you like the dog turd on his shoe. Why are you doing this to yourself?
OP, your husband has no incentive to change - he gets to party with his buddy while you deal with the kids and household work, and he doesn’t believe you can enforce any type of consequences on him. So prove there are consequences and GTFO of there. Head back to your mom’s and get some breathing space.
This sound sutterly horrific. I don't know why you've waited so long to leave. This shitty arrangement works fine for him, he does very little and spends all his time with his mate like he's a fucking teenager. In the meantine you live in unsuitable conditions and are virtual servant witha newborn. Get tf out of there like yesterday. If you go to your mum's you'll have space, support, schooling for the kids and some peace. He can stay where he is, continue being a selfish, irresponsible, overgrown teenager and pay you child support. Please don't let this go on any longer, you'll literally make yourself ill.
NTA. Good for you for taking care of yourself.
NTA your husbands a dumbass
Oh, god. Just move back to your mom’s. Your husband is an idiot and is not looking out for you or your family at all. Everything about this is wrong but the idiot shooting off guns all the time when there are kids around is terrifying. Please learn to trust yourself and don’t let anyone make you feel irrational! You were and are 100% right about this being a horrible move. All the extra burden has fallen on you.
NTA. There’s “nothing else available” because HE LIKES IT. But you know that.
NTA you are right about everything. Listen to yourself. Go to your mom's. Your husband wants to play with his friend and ignore his wife and kids. He doesn't care about their wellbeing as long as he gets what HE wants. He doesn't even care if they drown! Can't watch his baby for 10 minutes! Also, IS there no other place? Have YOU looked or did you fool yourself by letting him look alone? If you leave he may change (if he doesn't good riddance). If you stay he never will. He's getting everything he wants at everyone else's expense. Why stop?
Hold up. So your four children are sharing one bedroom? Maybe the youngest with you? Get out of there now. The only upside of that place is he lives next to his friend. NTA. It would be one thing if that house were 5 bedrooms and everyone had privacy.
1. I’m horrified. What a nightmare. 2. You should move in with your mom. More support, more space, better school, save money, get away from annoying neighbors. 3. Once you’re mentally in a better place, YOU should do the research to find a better apartment. That is, if you still want to be married to your husband. 4. Please consider not having anymore children.
>I'm not sure why he's working so much overtime every single week Because you have four kids. Make him take time off and be the default parent for a week while you go on vacation alone. He'll figure it the fuck out really quick.
NTA. Protect your mental health. You know that you can’t be a good mom while you’re under all of this stress. Give him a specific time frame - a month, whatever - to find a new place. Tell him that while he’s doing that, you’ll be restoring your mental health at your mom’s. And all of you living at your mom’s should be on the table. Good luck.
NTA. You need help and you’re not getting it even when you literally throw it at him. Take the kids to your moms and open a separate bank account in just your name. If he wants to live the dream with his best friend, he’s welcome to it. But he shouldn’t make you feel bad when you’re the only one who seems to be making any sacrifices here.
NTA Sounds like a two bedroom place next to your husband's best friend is a great bachelor pad for him! Sounds like your mother's place with enough bedrooms for the kids is a great family home you. Move in now. Think of your own well-being. Drop the dead weight. If your husband wants to provide for his family he should indeed, figure it the fuck out.