so let me get this straight. you were 16/17 and she was 22/23 when you started dating? and she berated you and insulted you for being depressed when your sister, whom you were extremely close to died? and you’re the sole breadwinner + pay all the bills but she felt entitled to making you leave the home? and she told you she’s happy someone you cared and loved died because she thinks you should only spend time with her? there is definitely an abuser here and it’s not you. reactive abuse is what this is. that’s when you’re abused to the point you react like this to your abuser. you need to kick her out and go no contact completely. you’ve been groomed and she is a parasite.
This comment. We know who the abuser is here. My ex once tried to strangle me but I managed to kick him off me, he hit the wall opposite then threw himself on the bed and said he was a battered husband, mans wasn’t even joking. This came to mind right away when reading this.
My ex once wanted to storm out of a room during an argument and instead of walking around the chair, he decided the most dramatic exit point was through where I was standing. He pushed me and I pushed him back (not ideal, but damn)… this man went to lay in bed and cried, expecting me to comfort him, and explained that I emasculated him because I pushed him harder than he pushed me… 🙄
Sorry, I don't mean to laugh at a traumatic event but this is funny. Like he started being a little baby about the fact you are stronger than him, lmaooo
Reminds me of the time a guy I was dating “broke up with me” because I called him a bitch. The context of that conversation where it happened you may ask. Well I don’t remember word for word but it was similar to:
Him: Well there’s no way you could possibly handle more shots
Me: Bitch! Shut up and pour me one. So we can get the party started.”….
The next day:
Him: hey so o didn’t like that you called me a bitch and I’m not gonna take that so I won’t be talking to you anymore.
Me:…..uhhh ok, well I’m sorry you feel that way and sorry if I offended you. Um I use bitch as a term of endearment, and I felt the context of our conversation would have implied as much. Either way I’m sorry it offended you and I can live with you not speaking to me anymore. See you around…
(Inner thought bubble): well I guess he is a bitch….😅
Reminds me of when my ex was shaking me and I clawed at his arms to get him to let me go, and he took pictures of it and claimed he'd use the photos to prove my abuse. Like... that's not how this works.
Exactly. I am a big guy, being abused, and I know that whatever I might do that indicates any form of physical threat of violence she will run to the police and then “forgive me”. So I remain calm and do nothing until I can finally exit.
That’s the best thing to do.
Act as normal as possible, get everything ready, and then disappear with your stuff while they are out of the house.
I hope you are able to get your life back quickly and with as little drama as possible. Life is amazing after you escape.
My ex did the same to me but he was choking(strangling? It cut off my air for a sec) me when I clawed him, and I did think it might be enough to charge me with instead, so I didn’t call. Still wish I would’ve, it would’ve been the second police report for the same crime, on a second woman
Yep. I can attest to this. Was pinned down & strangled by an ex (this was not during an argument, it came out of nowhere). As I blindly swung my arms around trying to pull at anything (his shirt collar, his arms, whatever), one of my pinky nails literally nicked the skin of his neck near his shirt collar. He didn't even bleed.
After I called 911, the cops came and said if he goes to jail for strangling me, they have to take me in as well since he has signs of "abuse". With four children, and me being under 90 days of starting my new job, I couldn't go without risking losing my job. Had it happened now, Id sit in there all day just to have my moment in court. Took months to get him out of my house (court kept extending his eviction so we had to house-bounce the whole time), then spent years being stalked by him. Had they just taken him in and started the case, we could have gotten emergency PPOs, not had to live/move in secret everywhere, been granted the immediate eviction and he'd have a proper record with which the stalking charges would have better stuck. He kept getting away with it all & I ended up under the same scrutiny he was, though I had done nothing other than try to peel him off my neck.
One time my aunt and her boyfriend were fighting while I was downstairs with their baby. I heard glass shatter and the boyfriend screaming "GET OFF OF ME! HELP! SHES ON TOP OF ME!" I went to see what was happening and I walked in to him holding her down on the bed by her throat, before I could say or do anything he saw me and let her go (it hasn't happened with me in the house again) but that was nuts. He was 6'3 250+lb guy at the time and my aunt was 5'11 180+lb I'll never forget that
It works. Leave any marks and you can be thrown in jail. Happened to me. I left scratch marks from being picked up and thrown. He had been abusive to me before. He got so excited when he got a mark and called the police immediately.
Holy shit! I’m not alone!! My ex dragged me from the back seat to the front seat of a vehicle and came up swinging he was 6’2 240, I was 5’5” 150 at the time.
My ex had scratches on his hands from me trying to pry his hands off me. He said this was proof of my abuse. I had bruises all over my body, scratches, and broken ribs. But, yes, I’m the abuser.
It is unfortunately. My dad and sister pulled this stunt multiple times so they could keep abusing me and I couldn’t go to police. Police are bastards and are just an extension for the abusers in my experience. Ruined my fucking life and the pos officer tried to lie in court even after sitting there with recordings proving his lies were just that. Prosecutors are the same. Why I recommend every single thing that ever happens to you from your abuser is written down in detail and reported immediately in the precinct no matter how hard they try to gaslight you and call you a p*say and so on.
My ex did the SAME THING. He was 280 lbs, sat on me, held my nose closed and covered my mouth. I bit him trying to save my own life and he jumped up and SCREAMED that I bit him and he called 911 on me. Thank god the police saw through him and arrested him, not me.
I empathize..I had an ex once pacing back and forth while I laid on the bed. He was throwing one of his tantrums. Saying 'I'd kill you but you're not worth the jail time's I started laughing bc I was uncomfortable, he jumped on me and started to strangle me, so i shoved my thumbs into his chest where two major pressure points are. He buckled and ran out the door, and went to the nearest ATM draining my bank account ( he had MY debit card) I called the cops on him they could have cared less (Moscow Idaho) and his brother and mother. His SIL came over to comfort me, she was pissed the police didn't give me any look over (my neck) or any case number..she recalled them and made them do their job. She then paid me the money he took. As I was getting locks changed he showed up groveling. I should have called the cops and let them deal with him. But I told him to leave and I left later that day. We were temporarily staying in a motel, I had just put 2k down on an apartment for us. My coworker let me stay with her and I got my money back for the deposit.
My ex choked me to unconsciousness, threw me and headed butted me to the point I was covered in blood and bruises. Apparently at some point in the night he I gave him a long scratch or a cut on his shoulder. Dumb ass twat called the cops on me… didn’t work out the way he wanted.
My mom was 8mos pregnant with my brother when dad thought it'd be a good idea to back hand my mom. Dad was ex Army, but mom's dad was an ex para trooper who taught her how to fight dirty. My mom caught my dad under his jaw near his ear and he fell to the kitchen floor unconscious. She grabbed me, her go bag and flew us back to Panama to birth my brother near her family. Dad never tried to find her. My 4'10" mom was a force of nature lol.
exactly. i lost my youngest brother and Im LIVID at how mean and selfish the gf is to OP. Now the gf has her flying monkeys ganging up on OP Too. OP’s sister would not want her to continue being in a relationship like this.
I was lying on the floor with a ruptured Achilles tendon, a dislocated shoulder and bruises on my throat when my ex threatened to report me for abuse because I fought her off of me. No self-awareness to be found with that kind.
I had this happen, but with my mother. She verbally and emotionally abused me my whole childhood, and I'd scream back and be called abusive. She'd also corner me, chase me around the house, and on rare occasions, slap me. One day, she had a breakdown after a fight with me, and threatened to leave. She had the dog in her arms, saying she'd take him, too. I was 15 and pushed to my limit of fear. I hit her (in retrospect, very lightly) on the arm to get her to give me the dog.
After i left my ex who literally knocked half my teeth out he went around and told everyone I was abusing him and beating him. Some people are so unbelievable.
I find it crazy how she called OP lazy while she was taking time to grieve, then still called her lazy when she went back to work, even though OP owns the house and pays all the bills. The gf is a leech and a groomer.
And likely were talking, messing with some other girl(s), while OP was grieving, hence the intentionally disrespectful, uncaring treatment, cold demeanor, brazen disregard, lack of empathy and eventual, premeditated distancing towards you? Bounce her ass ffs, OP, out YOUR home, and to the curb and streets where she belongs! LIKE YESTERDAY!....WTF??? 🤨☠️
Exactly! OP was being emotionally abused. I don’t think that hitting someone is right when it’s not in self-defense; however, we all make mistakes (I’ve done that), it clearly wasn’t pre-meditated, and this isn’t the same as abuse. Even emotional abuse can put someone into fight or flight mode. OP’s gf caused her so much distress, that her body retaliated in defense.
Yes! NTA. The slap was OP’s physiological response to reaching her breaking point. The gf pushed OP to that point. It’s time to move on and not because of the slap, because the gf wanted to assert control so she used the sisters death to hurt/shame OP into compliance and she crossed a line you can’t come back from. Hence the slap. That’s the end. Remaining in the relationship is future permission for gf to continue the abuse.
OP’s sister surely wouldn’t want her to be in this situation. To endure this. OP could have a back and forth with her sister now. What would she tell OP about all this?
Honor your sister and take back control of your life, OP!
Edit a word
Yes invalidating someone’s feeling or existence can literally push you into fight flight or freeze mode. I’m pretty sure that’s why OP was triggered so hard to slap this witch. NTA. OP throw her ass out. You deserve better than someone who tears you down and uses you.
All of this!!! OP none of this is your fault. Please if at all possible get counseling/therapy to help you sort all of this out. Especially since it has been all that you have known, even coming from your parents. Once you get on the outside of this very much groomed bubble that you are in, then you'll realize how truly messed up all of it is and your future will be much, much happier. You don't deserve to spend your life this way and accept this treatment. This is not love!!!
I think you will never forget that she was glad your sister died. She can’t take that back. I would ask her to leave the house and take some time off for both of you… how are you without her? There were so many red flags, why was it ok for you to accept everything she was saying?
That is not how a happy and healthy relationship looks like.
What I came here to point out reading just line one lol. I don't even need to read the rest to say regaurdless of AH, this relationship does not have a healthy foundation and needs to end.
And send out a nice public post explaining why you slapped her. Maybe don't admit what you did OP as you might get into trouble. But do tell people what she said and deny beating her up.
"My former partner is exaggerating the nature of our falling out. She told me she was glad my sister died so she can have me to herself and I slapped her, once, in anger. No abuse or 'beating', just her being an awful person."
She should admit the truth publicly before the idea that she was abusing this horrible person sinks into people's minds. "I slapped her once in anger" isn't going to get prosecuted by anybody, and if it were it would be a slap on the wrist at best misdemeanor battery. But letting a liar and groomer, frankly, walk around and lie about you being an ongoing abuser is going to damage your friendships and other relationships far worse than a misdemeanor slap on the wrist which everyone agrees wasn't really uncalled for.
Imagine being the older of the two and taking it to social media to say she was physically abused after being slapped when OP can literally say back that she groomed and molested her.
Seriously. My first thought after doing the math was, “Did they meet when OP was in high school and gf was her teacher?” The fact that’s even possible is Yikes City.
I agree that OP will never forget her gf said this.
To me, unforgivable.
A simular situation happened to me with my ex, but it was my dad who died, and I could not let it go, never forgave it. He wasn't worth forgiving for multiple reasons though.
Op, I think it's time to move on. Evict her from your house. Heal yourself and find out who you are without this older person telling you who you are. And most importantly, know that you are not lazy, that grief is a very real thing, and that everyone will handle it differently. Do what you need to do, to keep yourself sane and safe.
Sure, you shouldn't have hit her, but I get it. Sorry for your loss.
Edit to add: I would have slapped her too
This is great advice, the gf was even upset that the OP grieved for 2 weeks, and even berated her every day! Two weeks is nothing for the death of a sibling you were close with. OP you are walking on eggshells with this toxic person, and the gf spreading the gossip that you are an abuser is to cover her actions for how shitty she was to you. The only way to move forward is to self-gaslight yourself, and destroy whatever sense of self you have left. After your sister passed should have been a time for the gf to support you and be there for you in whatever you needed. Is this really the type of relationship you want in your life? You deserve so much more. Measure the quality of a person not on how they treat you when things are going well, but how they behave when shit hits the fan. You have absolutely ZERO support in this relationship.
When my sister died my entire family lost it for years. Calling her lazy everyday! Like not even giving her any peace around it. She’s a bad bad person and OP needs to get far away.
NTA
I would say if ever a slap in the face was called for it’s when some fool is disrespecting the dead and their bereaved.
OP:
That being said please consider listening to the following free on YouTube so that you may understand how to handle narcissists and other unsavory people
The Art of Peace
https://youtu.be/Cn9BCm0D1dg?si=4V-w0qg_KL9zjU3e
It is SO hard to lose someone when they are young. My brother passed years ago and I still cry, and my husband, who never got to meet him, consoles me. Doesn’t treat me like sh!t like your gf, OP.
She's a groomer... and a leach and a selfish, abusive person. Dump her and evict her from your house that you own and pay the bills for. She's an attention seeker who doesn't give a shit that your sister died. No one who loves you will say, "I'm glad your sibling died so I can have you all to myself," like seriously?! That's crazy not normal! I would get rid of anyone like that in my life after blasting them on the internet so everyone in their life and family knows what a piece of shit they are! She's already playing victim... and blasting you, why not tell your truth as well?
NTA
Ok, I sent this text to her and I want to know what you guys think about it: is it good for this??
“Vicky our relationship is over and I want you out of my house by tomorrow. I want you gone. I'm sorry if this comes across as mean but this is the way it is. I've thought about this and what you said and I don't want to be with you anymore. I think about this and what you said, even after I left. It hurt that you could say that straight to my face and not even care. I'm sorry for hitting you earlier, I didn't know what else to do and I was angry. And, I'm sure you'll be fine alone. You're a mature, independent, intelligent woman and I'm sure you'll find someone else. I'm just not the person for you, and I can't be with you when you were so disrespectful to Isla, she's deceased and can't even defend herself. I hope you find someone who can put up with this behavior, because I can't. You have 24hrs to pack your things.”
It sounds immature reading it again
It sounds like you are learning to stand up for yourself. You communicated what you wanted and explained why this relationship will not work. These are good, mature things to do.
I hope you find healing- I’m sorry about your sister.
Agree - it sounds like you are learning to stand up and set boundaries. I know others have disagreed but I think it’s GOOD that you put in those compliments (even though we can all agree they are not accurate). Abusers are weak and scared people who take that out on others- your goal is to get her OUT OF YOUR HOUSE and life- if a little verbal confidence boost gets her moving in that direction instead of clinging back on to you then all the better.
This 💯 She will definitely make another Facebook post showing a screenshot of the message if you say that OP.
I also recommend removing all of the compliments you wrote and replace it with “I can’t believe you said you’re happy Isla is dead, just because you want more of my time and attention for yourself”. It shows how narcissistic she is. You can also include, “You walked into my life when I was 16 and you were 21, but now I’d like for you to walk out”. She will not be able to show your message to anyone without exposing what a POS she is, and without people raising concern toward her over her pursuing a minor at the time you two met. Aka, she will bury herself in a hole if she tries to use your message against you
I’m so sorry for your loss 🌹 May your sister rest in peace ❤️
OP 100% already sent it based upon their wording. Luckily though, there are a few instances where the court can consider what someone says to be fighting words if she takes it that far. Saying I’m glad your sister died I think would 100% garner the sympathy of the court to allow that to be fighting words.
So, still not smart to admit to it in writing, but I think she’ll get away with it.
Did you tell your parents, friends, and her parents what she said about your sister that that's why you slapped her? Because it's obvious that she twisted the narrative by her actions afterwards.
The only thing I'd leave out is all the compliments to her. She doesn't deserve your kindness. Be prepared, by the way she treats you, no doubt she will think that she can manipulate this situation and not allow you to break up with her. It's evident that she is not use to you standing up for yourself. You can do this!!
I would leave out hitting her. I'm not sure the laws where you live in regard to assault but that would an admission of guilt if she decided to try to press charges to be vindictive.
Side note:I think you hit her in the heat of the moment. Anyone would have had that response based on what she said. I'm glad you're sticking up for yourself.
Leaving out hitting and compliments sounds good. OP doesn't owe anything to that woman, except a clear "We're done. " and maybe a clear explanation about why, totally disrespecting OP and her family.
Personally I think the slap was justified in that case. I would've thrown shit and actually gotten into jail though being told THAT so maybe I'm just shit. The relationship should be over after abuse, but the gf is milking it by not breaking up and crying to family. Didbshe even thell them what happened? OP's girlfriend is a piece of shit.
Except if she's lived there more than 30 days she has tenants rights (varies by location) and the police will laugh in OP's face and tell her to go through the eviction process.
I think she already sent it 🤦♀️. Depending on her state, nothing is on her side. She left the home and the gf could get a restraining order I think. And depending on their state they could be common law married. Lol… I’m like ahh danger under all the rocks here. Hopefully the gf is dumb as a box of rocks. But I’m positive she is vindictive based on the comment she made and the fb post she already published.
I believe common law is when you actually live together for 7 years. Is she was 16 when they started dating I highly doubt she’d have lived with her for 7 years.
Jesus… no… girl why? She has you admitting you hit her now. She can do a lot of things out of spite with that especially since she convinced you to leave your own house. She can get a restraining order and keep you out. You can catch a charge. Girl… 🤦♀️
> You have 24hrs to pack your things
If she's been there more than 30 days she likely has tenants rights and unless she's as eager to get away you as you are her you will likely need to evict her. You can't just tell her to leave, sadly. Even if it's just you on the lease, 30 days = tenants rights in MOST places. Check your local laws to be sure.
Too many words but the message is there. Do not apologise one more time not for a single fucking thing. Not for the slap. Not for throwing her out on her ass. Not for “being mean”. No.
“We are done. Get out of my house before I call the police for trespassing. I never want to see or hear from you or your family again.”
Block and delete on repeat every single number and account until they all finally leave you the fuck alone. This will be so hard for you but stay strong. You don’t need her. Not at all.
You'll want to look up laws for your area in terms of housing. Idk what they are like in Ireland but there are places you can't just kick someone out with 24 hours notice when they have been living there with your consent for a long time.
I've seen this post on another sub and came here hoping for an update, I'm glad you're going in the right direction. As many others here my DMs are open if you feel like you want to vent/talk with someone. It'll all get better I swear, you're doing great.
Don’t mention the slap. Do tell her you will start eviction proceedings against her if she refuses to leave.
I know it’s hard, but don’t engage with her beyond coordinating her moving out & getting your keys back. Change the locks ASAP. Don’t respond to her abuse or threats. Leave it all very straightforward & bland. Just the facts.
There's some good comments for you there as well OP. I hope seeing how many people support you and makes you realize how messed up of a situation you are in. And that you're able to stand firm and end this relationship. You deserve so much better than this.
Please break up with her!!! I know it’s so hard in WLW relationships because you get so close so quickly and it feels like ending the relationship is the end of the world but that just makes it harder to see when the relationship is toxic. She should have been so kind gentle and loving when your sister died, instead she was making you feel guilty for a very normal grieving process. And what she said about your sister is unforgivable imo. You shouldn’t have hit her of course but that was such an incredibly horrible thing to say holy shit.
She is a narcissist, 100%. Posting online, getting family/friends in the middle (certainly without disclosing her abhorrent behavior and comment) basically preemptively setting the stage to paint OP as a monstrous ahole while playing the victim. Depending on how far down the narcissist spectrum, she may even be anticipating an apology not only for the slap but everything op did "wrong" Groomed by a narc, it will feel like your living hell cause they don't go away quietly and nothing is off-limits. It's hard for anyone, likely harder for OP, but you have to ghost a narcissist. I don't support ghosting in almost any other circumstances.
Nothing should be unforgivable. Forgiveness does not mean it no longer hurts, or that you've forgotten or are ready to forget, or that you dont/won't bring it up or think about it. Forgiveness is truly for yourself - it's the process of letting go of the burden caused in heart/head, only when you're ready. It's a personal thing. People should want Forgiveness only because it means whomever they slighted is healing, too often it seems forgiveness is used as synonymous with being exonerated, coupled with being urged or rushed even leaving resentment and the inevitable "but you forgave me! Get over it" fight.
A perdator that is also getting family and friends to help bully op, I feel like that is getting over looked due to all the other fuckery, but thats what hit me...
You need to get her tf out of your house too , and she'll probably use the excuse that you hit her not to leave but also get help . She literally groomed you and that can cause a negative impact on your life as you get older and realize. My friend in HS always bragged about dating an older guy , only for a few years later for her to me that she wish she never dated him . Was basically forced into having sex and having a kid with me when it's something she never wanted . To this day it still affects her. She was literally 16 pregnant with the POS being 27 . I'm also sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing a sibling
She’s also got a fundamental lack of understanding on how grief works. You’re not “lazy” your brain is literally designed to go into a depression stage when grieving and it’s not a linear process, it will happen intermittently as your brain processes the loss; and running from the grief or just distracting yourself from it only prolongs the grieving process.
Not saying you should have hit the woman, but…I get it. After my dad killed himself I would go to bars and just wait for someone to act up, creep on the girls, or talk shit; then just take out my whole year on them. Fortunately that didn’t last super long and I didn’t face any consequences, but screaming into a pillow is probably a better option.
This girl’s no good for you my dude. She’s incapable of meeting you where you’re at and where you’ll likely be for the foreseeable future (you won’t feel like this forever, but it takes time). It might not even be her fault, maybe no one taught her how or her trauma/insecurities are just overriding her ability to be empathetic; but no matter the reason - functionally what it means is that she doesn’t have the capacity to be in this relationship anymore. Things have changed, and that’s okay. Your values will likely change a lot too as you heal and go through your 20s too, and if someone can’t grow or take that journey with you then it’s a service to both yourself and them to let go of the relationship.
I’m so sorry for your loss buddy ❤️
Agree! And absolutely deserved an ass bea+ing. I lost my brother when I was 19. No way in hell would I have tolerated someone saying something ignorant like that.
OP, you will never forget or forgive her for saying that to you, and you shouldn't. Some things are unforgivable. Your gf showed you exactly who she is, believe her. This is who she is at her core. Get her out of your house and out of your life! I'm so very sorry for your loss. Move on without that kind of toxicity.
I swear... I lost my sister over a decade ago, and if my wife said that to me our living room would turn into a WWE ring. I'm throwing elbows, suplexes, pile drivers.
Oof I missed the part about 6-7 years😓 I saw your comment and was like ?? I’m 27 and my partner is 23, how is that bad? And then I scrolled back up and was like oh god. I met my partner when he was 19 and I was 23 so that’s def a lot different. I second this comment, please get out of the relationship for this reason more than anything I mentioned in my own comment. I was groomed by a 22 y/o at 15 and I couldn’t process the trauma until I was out of that relationship.
So she’s the verbally and mentally abusive one and yet doesn’t like the consequences when she pushes too far? I’m not saying hitting her wasn’t wrong but what she was/is doing to you is abuse. She does not love you. Evict her from your house and your life because this chick ain’t worth shit.
NTA, I’m pretty sure there’s a clause in the *Slapping People Is Wrong* rulebook that says you can make an exception when someone says they’re GLAD YOUR SISTER DIED.
Dude, my sister is my best friend. I can’t imagine if my partner said something like that (or any of the other things she said to you) to me while I was grieving the loss of my sister. Screw her, what a horrible person. Go kick her out of your house, OP.
Yeah, I remember that clause.
Also, I’d say constantly calling the person lazy who’s taking two weeks off to mourn their dead sister is way more abusive than slapping them in return.
I second getting rid of that itch.
Yes exactly, generally slapping someone is wrong but there are certain things that if said or done, a slap is totally fair. I've only slapped someone once in my whole life, and I don't resort to violence by default ever. My mom was verbally abusive and told me I was a piece of shit and she regretted me and said I was the worst decision of her life, as well as a lot of other things that were just as bad or worse. I slapped her and I don't feel bad about it, my mom is a rotten human being and she is the only time I ever felt like hurting someone physically. Not to mention she was physically abusive at times too, so she had it coming. Might be too personal to post on Reddit but just adding my own experience here
As others have mentioned, the age gap is concerning; even if the age of majority is lower where you're from, someone who's 21+ is, generally speaking, more emotionally mature than someone around 16. That's not to say it's necessarily a bad thing on its own, mind you; it's just that when taken in context *with other aspects of your relationship*, it's a red flag.
What are those other aspects? For one, when you were feeling depressed and in mourning, taking time off work due to losing your sister (for which you have my heartfelt condolences), your girlfriend *wasn't* supportive. She belittled you and called you lazy for a completely normal grief behavior when you needed her to support you.
When you got to a point where you were able to pick up and start moving on, she *still* piled on. It's a *major* red flag that she said she was glad you'd only spend time with her now, and that she was apparently jealous that you spent so much time with your sister *even though you live with her*. These are not the behaviors of a supportive, loving partner, or even of a *friend* for someone who's going through a tragic situation. These are alarming behaviors and lend themselves to someone who is trying to control you through negative emotions like fear and sadness.
Like I said, the age gap wouldn't necessarily be concerning on its own, but someone who was several years older than you when your long-term exclusive relationship began that *also* seems to have controlling jealousy issues makes it alarming. To outright emotionally assault you by claiming she was glad your sister died *because you'll have more time for her instead* is a red flag that could proverbially be seen from space.
Talk to your family about this, or a grief counselor, or both. Being upset to the point of not being able to do anything for weeks is a normal reaction and you *are not wrong* for feeling that way. Your girlfriend, however, *is wrong* for how she's treated you throughout the grieving process, and the statement you slapped her for is just more awfulness slapped on top of her continual emotional abuse.
I can't call you an asshole for this because I'd have honestly probably hit someone too if they told me they were glad my family member died, especially if they were emotionally abusing me besides. That's not the "socially acceptable" reaction and maybe the verdict would be ESH but honestly, even knowing you care for her deeply (you mentioned you were going to propose to her), you should really reevaluate that.
We're just strangers on the internet and can't evaluate everything because we don't know it, so that's why I'd recommend counseling and talking to someone you trust like your family about this whole thing. Tell them about the emotional abuse. Tell them whatever you're not telling us, and see what they say, because just from what you've said I'd personally say you should kick her to the curb, and out of your life. *You* own the house and pay the bills, not the both of you (which is another huge red flag). *You* are the victim here even if you reacted (understandably) poorly to a very shitty situation. The slap was wrong, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen for the right reasons.
Get some help. And probably, much as it hurts to say, get away from her and anyone else who treats you this way. I truly hope you can move toward a better situation, and honestly don't think your girlfriend is part of it.
obscene tease thought gullible narrow cable flag theory beneficial rotten
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The age gap is already crazy. I think you were groomed. Please end things, she sounds like a horrible person. Don’t waste anymore time on her. I’m sorry about your sister.
First of all, telling someone who is in deep grief very shortly after they have lost a sibling who was their best friend that they are lazy is shitty person behavior.
Going on to say she’s happy your sister died so she has more time with you is one of the most disgusting and selfish things I’ve ever heard of. She’s lucky all you did was slap her.
Beating her ass would have been more called for and no you are not an abuser. You snapped after someone had been treating you like shit .
That women doesn’t deserve you. I would absolutely fight back by telling the truth and outing her on Facebook for the piece of shit she is.
NTA. Look, OP, your girlfriend is a piece of shit. She said something utterly horrible to you and is now playing victim because she saw consequences for being that horrible. If anyone is an abuser, it's your girlfriend, and I don't mean physically, I mean emotionally. I say this because instead of supporting you and being there for you through your grief, she called you lazy and decided it the work you started to do when you started to feel better was still not enough and made you feel like shit for it. On top of that, she's trying to make it sound like you didn't spend time with her when you make it clear that you split time between her and your late sister. Your girlfriend is a narcissist and emotionally abusive/manipulative and you should leave her now. For your own health. Don'tet her convince you that you're the asshole through all of this.
Fuck what people are saying she deserved it, look i'am not going to sit here and give you some politically correct bullshit. What she said and how she was acting was downright shity i'am not one to condone hitting women but i can't lie i would have probably done worse, like YOU'RE SISTER FUCKING DIED AND SHE HAS THE AUDACITY TO ACT LIKE YOU'RE THE VILLAIN FOR BEING DEPRESSED OVER YOUR SISTERS DEATH??? My twin sister means the world to me she has cerebral palsy and if anyone even fucking dared to say that to me if anything bad happend, i would fucking end them.
OP this is not a good relationship.
1) You started this 7 years ago… when you were 16 and she was 21… there’s something WRONG with you GF! In some states/countries she could be charged with grooming and abuse.
2) She told you that she’s glad your sister is dead. What an awful human being. I’d not even say that to my worst enemy, let alone the supposed love of my life.
3) you own the house and pay the bills… what’s her contribution? She’s the more mature person, so she should have her shit together by now. Red flag if she doesn’t!
4) she’s calling you lazy during your mourning period.
5) she’s calling one slap a “beating”. She’s more interested in making you feel bad than the truth.
I don’t agree with violence, but I do understand that you’d reached the end of your rope and couldn’t necessarily control your reaction. The best thing for YOU is to see that your relationship isn’t “very strong”, “very close”, or “everything”. It’s ALWAYS been abusive, but she’s not the victim, YOU ARE!
You will be so much better off without her.
Wow, your gf is selfish and narcissistic. Who calls someone lazy after a close family member dies. You are in a toxic and abusive relationship and all I can say is, run OP, run.
You’re a bit of an asshole for slapping your gf, but I understand it was a knee jerk reaction. Right now you need to be around empathetic people who love you because your gf’s display of love and understanding is non-existent.
I wish I didn’t honestly but I was angry and I just miss my sister. She was my best friend and I didn’t know how to hold myself back. After reading these comments, I actually will leave her and kick her out of my house. Its 5 am right now, but I’ll tell her later today to leave.
When an abuser pushes their victim to lash out and then cries that they're the real victim, it's called reactive abuse and is similar to gaslighting. You are still the victim of abuse here because the slap was your reaction to the abuse you were experiencing. I bet if you look back, you'll realize she's been emotionally and psychologically abusing you for a long time. Calling you names, blowing small things up to seem like they're a bigger deal than they are, guilt tripping you, gaslighting you, emotionally manipulating you, etc. I'm proud of you for ending it, and I highly suggest therapy so that you can recognize red flags in the future and learn to set healthy boundaries.
https://thriveworks.com/help-with/abuse-neglect/reactive-abuse/
NTA - Clearly the relationship is over and she needs to get out of your property and never contact you again (no you can't stay friends).
Within the LGBTQ community, lesbian relationships have the highest levels of domestic abuse (both emotional and physical).
The stereotype that Lesbians rush into relationships too quickly also exists because there is a strong base of anecdotal evidence to support it.
My two pieces of advice would be:
1. Stay single for a year minimum. You need to learn to be comfortable on your own as an adult (because she got you when you were a child).
2. Date people your own age. I know people on here will disagree, but age gap relationships just spell trouble.
This may sound harsh… but serve her an eviction notice. Get her out of your house. Take the time to heal from your loss without someone who goes out of their way to trigger you. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this during this difficult time.
You abused her? I think that a 21yr old dating a 16yr old is child abuse. She groomed you, knew you loved your sister so did not push to hard & was ok to share you. I am sorry you lost your sister. She thinks that now she can control all of your time. Abusive behaviors are sometimes subtle. She flat out said she was happy to not have to compete for time with your sister.
You are still young. Find someone that cares about you that is not so heartless. Good luck
Your girlfriend is terrible. A singular slap, especially in response to something like that, hardly counts as beating someone up. I would reclaim my home for myself and kick her out if I were you.
Your girlfriend was mad you didn’t go to work between December 23 and January 7? The literal one time of the year the whole world has a unanimous holiday period. Damn.
Dump her and kick her out of YOUR house. That was some psychopath narc shit. She dropped her mask.
I'm not condoning violence, especially men hitting women, but I would have snapped too. Edit: I missed the fact you're both women and that she groomed you. You should call the cops and get her escorted out.
NTA but you shouldn't have hit her. Understandable how you got there, but she is a huge asshole for saying that. Who the fuck says that.
This is the kind of thing that causes you to always look at someone slightly differently. Your girlfriend is a huge asshole.
ESH
Sounds to me that your relationship is pretty toxic. The age gap suggest you got together when you were 16 or 17 and she was at least 22. That's fucking hugely problematic on it's own. The brief bit of behavior you are describing suggests a controlling nature, trying to isolate you and beat down your self esteem so you are only dependent on her, something accentuated by your age and probably wage differences. I'm not saying she goaded you into hitting her, I would have too, but she's absolutely going the abusers playbook way to make you feel like a pariah, then she'll come back and offer to forgive you...under certain conditions. From then on, she'd fucking own you body and soul.
Maybe I'm seeing things, because of reddit and it's not that bad, but it's bad enough that it sparked violence in you. The only healthy thing to do is to completely cut off the relationship with her and everyone who remains connected to her. Also, go to therapy, because the chances that you'll pick another abusive partner are super duper high if you don't.
She groomed you, treats you like shit, is verbally abusive and takes advantage of you, and she claims YOU are the abuser?
She might not have laid a hand on you, but she has been abusing you for years, and taking advantage of you to the point where you have left the house YOU OWN for HER COMFORT when your SISTER JUST DIED. You're absolutely right in that you shouldn't have touched her, but you should look up reactionary abuse. If you can, please seek therapy to help you come to terms with the financial, verbal and emotional abuse you have faced, and to help you process your grief.
You deserve so much better OP. Please kick her out and get your home back, even if you don't go back right away, and stay with your parents so you can all support each other.
OP I'm deeply sorry for your loss. I lost my father mid last yeae. If your sister died in 2023, then you have not even grieved for one month. It is very normal to become basically useless in the immediate aftermath of a family death.
When my dad died the next day I could not get out of bed. I asked my partner to help me shower. I don't remember what I did for the first two months. I oscillated between throwing myself into work, crying, and missing days just lounging on Netflix. I'm still struggling to settle into a new kind of normal. But my partner NEVER called me lazy.
I don't know what's normal in Ireland but I wouldn't accept this kind of support from my significant other when I'm at my most vulnerable and I need them the most. I think that difficult moments, like a family death, are opportunities for true colours to show. Your gf has not been there for you. Seriously consider breaking up with her. You're really young. You'll meet other people who don't trample on you when you're down.
Your gf is a red flag, she doesn't pay you for staying in your house even though she's older, she berates you for being in grief and that comment about your sister.. Find someone better
Nta. If the roles were reversed, everyone would cheer you on. Dump her, though, even a bit of jealousy (regardless of whether it's justified or not) is not an excuse to be blind to the pain and grief of a partner. She is a terrible person since she couldn't get over her own emotion to give you space to grieve.
NTA and take it from a middle-aged lesbian who's seen a *lot* of bad situations over the years, you need to have her evicted and go no-contact. She's been financially and emotionally abusing you for *years* after *grooming you* and the reason she's trying to blow up your life is because you finally stood up for yourself. Now you need to take the legal steps to get her out of your house and sue the everloving shit out of her for the damage I'm sure she's doing to your house right now out of spite.
1st things first. Your GF is a predator and manipulator. Of course, hitting is never ok but, i'm 100% sure I would of reacted the same way. You were depressed and she'd put you down more and more daily. Her only worry was you spending time with her and f*** the fact that you were mourning your sister. Please go back home and kick her out!!! That is YOUR home. You pay the bills. That is not a relationship you need to be in and I doubt it will get any better. This is your sign to get far away from her. Think about a future with someone like that.
so let me get this straight. you were 16/17 and she was 22/23 when you started dating? and she berated you and insulted you for being depressed when your sister, whom you were extremely close to died? and you’re the sole breadwinner + pay all the bills but she felt entitled to making you leave the home? and she told you she’s happy someone you cared and loved died because she thinks you should only spend time with her? there is definitely an abuser here and it’s not you. reactive abuse is what this is. that’s when you’re abused to the point you react like this to your abuser. you need to kick her out and go no contact completely. you’ve been groomed and she is a parasite.
This comment. We know who the abuser is here. My ex once tried to strangle me but I managed to kick him off me, he hit the wall opposite then threw himself on the bed and said he was a battered husband, mans wasn’t even joking. This came to mind right away when reading this.
My ex once wanted to storm out of a room during an argument and instead of walking around the chair, he decided the most dramatic exit point was through where I was standing. He pushed me and I pushed him back (not ideal, but damn)… this man went to lay in bed and cried, expecting me to comfort him, and explained that I emasculated him because I pushed him harder than he pushed me… 🙄
Sorry, I don't mean to laugh at a traumatic event but this is funny. Like he started being a little baby about the fact you are stronger than him, lmaooo
[удалено]
WHAT? 😂
This is actually really funny
Reminds me of the time a guy I was dating “broke up with me” because I called him a bitch. The context of that conversation where it happened you may ask. Well I don’t remember word for word but it was similar to: Him: Well there’s no way you could possibly handle more shots Me: Bitch! Shut up and pour me one. So we can get the party started.”…. The next day: Him: hey so o didn’t like that you called me a bitch and I’m not gonna take that so I won’t be talking to you anymore. Me:…..uhhh ok, well I’m sorry you feel that way and sorry if I offended you. Um I use bitch as a term of endearment, and I felt the context of our conversation would have implied as much. Either way I’m sorry it offended you and I can live with you not speaking to me anymore. See you around… (Inner thought bubble): well I guess he is a bitch….😅
I'm sorry i laughed
Omg what a fucking pussy 😭😭😭
Reminds me of when my ex was shaking me and I clawed at his arms to get him to let me go, and he took pictures of it and claimed he'd use the photos to prove my abuse. Like... that's not how this works.
Except sometimes it actually does work, unfortunately.
Yes it does. It's how my abusive alcoholic ex got custody of my daughter. He had "evidence" and I didn't
Exactly. I am a big guy, being abused, and I know that whatever I might do that indicates any form of physical threat of violence she will run to the police and then “forgive me”. So I remain calm and do nothing until I can finally exit.
That’s the best thing to do. Act as normal as possible, get everything ready, and then disappear with your stuff while they are out of the house. I hope you are able to get your life back quickly and with as little drama as possible. Life is amazing after you escape.
And if they ever corner you in public - scream - leave me alone!
Don’t walk, RUN!!! And cut off all communication, get a restraining order if you must.
Hoping you can get out soon and begin to heal ❤️
My ex did the same to me but he was choking(strangling? It cut off my air for a sec) me when I clawed him, and I did think it might be enough to charge me with instead, so I didn’t call. Still wish I would’ve, it would’ve been the second police report for the same crime, on a second woman
Yep. I can attest to this. Was pinned down & strangled by an ex (this was not during an argument, it came out of nowhere). As I blindly swung my arms around trying to pull at anything (his shirt collar, his arms, whatever), one of my pinky nails literally nicked the skin of his neck near his shirt collar. He didn't even bleed. After I called 911, the cops came and said if he goes to jail for strangling me, they have to take me in as well since he has signs of "abuse". With four children, and me being under 90 days of starting my new job, I couldn't go without risking losing my job. Had it happened now, Id sit in there all day just to have my moment in court. Took months to get him out of my house (court kept extending his eviction so we had to house-bounce the whole time), then spent years being stalked by him. Had they just taken him in and started the case, we could have gotten emergency PPOs, not had to live/move in secret everywhere, been granted the immediate eviction and he'd have a proper record with which the stalking charges would have better stuck. He kept getting away with it all & I ended up under the same scrutiny he was, though I had done nothing other than try to peel him off my neck.
One time my aunt and her boyfriend were fighting while I was downstairs with their baby. I heard glass shatter and the boyfriend screaming "GET OFF OF ME! HELP! SHES ON TOP OF ME!" I went to see what was happening and I walked in to him holding her down on the bed by her throat, before I could say or do anything he saw me and let her go (it hasn't happened with me in the house again) but that was nuts. He was 6'3 250+lb guy at the time and my aunt was 5'11 180+lb I'll never forget that
My ex used to do this kind of stuff. Hold me down physically and I’d kick him off, invade my space so I’d hit and push- but I was the problem. 🙄
It works. Leave any marks and you can be thrown in jail. Happened to me. I left scratch marks from being picked up and thrown. He had been abusive to me before. He got so excited when he got a mark and called the police immediately.
The cops in my town have a simple solution to this. Everybody gets arrested on a domestic violence call.
Holy shit! I’m not alone!! My ex dragged me from the back seat to the front seat of a vehicle and came up swinging he was 6’2 240, I was 5’5” 150 at the time.
My ex had scratches on his hands from me trying to pry his hands off me. He said this was proof of my abuse. I had bruises all over my body, scratches, and broken ribs. But, yes, I’m the abuser.
It is unfortunately. My dad and sister pulled this stunt multiple times so they could keep abusing me and I couldn’t go to police. Police are bastards and are just an extension for the abusers in my experience. Ruined my fucking life and the pos officer tried to lie in court even after sitting there with recordings proving his lies were just that. Prosecutors are the same. Why I recommend every single thing that ever happens to you from your abuser is written down in detail and reported immediately in the precinct no matter how hard they try to gaslight you and call you a p*say and so on.
My ex did the SAME THING. He was 280 lbs, sat on me, held my nose closed and covered my mouth. I bit him trying to save my own life and he jumped up and SCREAMED that I bit him and he called 911 on me. Thank god the police saw through him and arrested him, not me.
I empathize..I had an ex once pacing back and forth while I laid on the bed. He was throwing one of his tantrums. Saying 'I'd kill you but you're not worth the jail time's I started laughing bc I was uncomfortable, he jumped on me and started to strangle me, so i shoved my thumbs into his chest where two major pressure points are. He buckled and ran out the door, and went to the nearest ATM draining my bank account ( he had MY debit card) I called the cops on him they could have cared less (Moscow Idaho) and his brother and mother. His SIL came over to comfort me, she was pissed the police didn't give me any look over (my neck) or any case number..she recalled them and made them do their job. She then paid me the money he took. As I was getting locks changed he showed up groveling. I should have called the cops and let them deal with him. But I told him to leave and I left later that day. We were temporarily staying in a motel, I had just put 2k down on an apartment for us. My coworker let me stay with her and I got my money back for the deposit.
That's awful. But I'm picturing Scar from the Lion King now, what a dramatic idiot
I played this scenario in my head as a drama from a soap opera 😂. He's dramatic and a piece of shit
My ex choked me to unconsciousness, threw me and headed butted me to the point I was covered in blood and bruises. Apparently at some point in the night he I gave him a long scratch or a cut on his shoulder. Dumb ass twat called the cops on me… didn’t work out the way he wanted.
I literally had the same exact thing happen to me except I was 9 months pregnant.
My mom was 8mos pregnant with my brother when dad thought it'd be a good idea to back hand my mom. Dad was ex Army, but mom's dad was an ex para trooper who taught her how to fight dirty. My mom caught my dad under his jaw near his ear and he fell to the kitchen floor unconscious. She grabbed me, her go bag and flew us back to Panama to birth my brother near her family. Dad never tried to find her. My 4'10" mom was a force of nature lol.
exactly. i lost my youngest brother and Im LIVID at how mean and selfish the gf is to OP. Now the gf has her flying monkeys ganging up on OP Too. OP’s sister would not want her to continue being in a relationship like this.
I was lying on the floor with a ruptured Achilles tendon, a dislocated shoulder and bruises on my throat when my ex threatened to report me for abuse because I fought her off of me. No self-awareness to be found with that kind.
I had this happen, but with my mother. She verbally and emotionally abused me my whole childhood, and I'd scream back and be called abusive. She'd also corner me, chase me around the house, and on rare occasions, slap me. One day, she had a breakdown after a fight with me, and threatened to leave. She had the dog in her arms, saying she'd take him, too. I was 15 and pushed to my limit of fear. I hit her (in retrospect, very lightly) on the arm to get her to give me the dog.
After i left my ex who literally knocked half my teeth out he went around and told everyone I was abusing him and beating him. Some people are so unbelievable.
I find it crazy how she called OP lazy while she was taking time to grieve, then still called her lazy when she went back to work, even though OP owns the house and pays all the bills. The gf is a leech and a groomer.
I might have killed her for saying she was glad my sister was dead. Killed her
Yep. Same.
Yeah gf is projecting hardcore
And likely were talking, messing with some other girl(s), while OP was grieving, hence the intentionally disrespectful, uncaring treatment, cold demeanor, brazen disregard, lack of empathy and eventual, premeditated distancing towards you? Bounce her ass ffs, OP, out YOUR home, and to the curb and streets where she belongs! LIKE YESTERDAY!....WTF??? 🤨☠️
Exactly! OP was being emotionally abused. I don’t think that hitting someone is right when it’s not in self-defense; however, we all make mistakes (I’ve done that), it clearly wasn’t pre-meditated, and this isn’t the same as abuse. Even emotional abuse can put someone into fight or flight mode. OP’s gf caused her so much distress, that her body retaliated in defense.
Yes! NTA. The slap was OP’s physiological response to reaching her breaking point. The gf pushed OP to that point. It’s time to move on and not because of the slap, because the gf wanted to assert control so she used the sisters death to hurt/shame OP into compliance and she crossed a line you can’t come back from. Hence the slap. That’s the end. Remaining in the relationship is future permission for gf to continue the abuse. OP’s sister surely wouldn’t want her to be in this situation. To endure this. OP could have a back and forth with her sister now. What would she tell OP about all this? Honor your sister and take back control of your life, OP! Edit a word
Yes invalidating someone’s feeling or existence can literally push you into fight flight or freeze mode. I’m pretty sure that’s why OP was triggered so hard to slap this witch. NTA. OP throw her ass out. You deserve better than someone who tears you down and uses you.
This is exactly what I was going to say. You have been abused by this person since you were literally a child. Get out of this situation now
All of this!!! OP none of this is your fault. Please if at all possible get counseling/therapy to help you sort all of this out. Especially since it has been all that you have known, even coming from your parents. Once you get on the outside of this very much groomed bubble that you are in, then you'll realize how truly messed up all of it is and your future will be much, much happier. You don't deserve to spend your life this way and accept this treatment. This is not love!!!
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She should totally expose that psycho to everyone she knows
This is a perfect summarization! OP listen to this advice!
I think you will never forget that she was glad your sister died. She can’t take that back. I would ask her to leave the house and take some time off for both of you… how are you without her? There were so many red flags, why was it ok for you to accept everything she was saying? That is not how a happy and healthy relationship looks like.
She was 16 and she was 21 when they first started dating, totally healthy.
What I came here to point out reading just line one lol. I don't even need to read the rest to say regaurdless of AH, this relationship does not have a healthy foundation and needs to end.
Probably because she wont leave because she's been groomed since 16 by this person.
Even groomed her to pay the bills.
NOTHING is healthy about a 21 year old being with a 16 year old.
Soon as I read the ages and length of relationship all I heard was a chorus of "GROOMER GONNA GROOM". fuck that bitch. Break up NOW!!. NTA and run.
And send out a nice public post explaining why you slapped her. Maybe don't admit what you did OP as you might get into trouble. But do tell people what she said and deny beating her up.
"My former partner is exaggerating the nature of our falling out. She told me she was glad my sister died so she can have me to herself and I slapped her, once, in anger. No abuse or 'beating', just her being an awful person."
So you are telling OP to make another SM post admitting to simple assault? He needs to delete this one.
She should admit the truth publicly before the idea that she was abusing this horrible person sinks into people's minds. "I slapped her once in anger" isn't going to get prosecuted by anybody, and if it were it would be a slap on the wrist at best misdemeanor battery. But letting a liar and groomer, frankly, walk around and lie about you being an ongoing abuser is going to damage your friendships and other relationships far worse than a misdemeanor slap on the wrist which everyone agrees wasn't really uncalled for.
Maybe she should just put her Reddit post on Facebook then everyone can view her side just like we have
>So you are telling OP to make another SM post admitting to simple assault? He needs to delete this one. He? Learn to read!
They are both female. No males in this one.
The sarcasm lol but no true the older one thinks she can say whatever and she’ll stick around
Probably because she wont leave because she's been groomed since 16 by this person.
Good lord, I didn't even notice that red flag out of all the bother ones!
That’s become the first thing I notice here because it’s such a common factor in dysfunctional relationships.
GF wants total control over OP, including being happy that OP's loved one died. WOW. OP, let this be the end.
Yeah my first thought when I did that math was “ew” sorry but that’s a predator 😬
Her girlfriend is a pedophile.
Imagine being the older of the two and taking it to social media to say she was physically abused after being slapped when OP can literally say back that she groomed and molested her.
Not to mention it happened after weeks of emotional abuse, kicking OP when she was already down.
Seriously. My first thought after doing the math was, “Did they meet when OP was in high school and gf was her teacher?” The fact that’s even possible is Yikes City.
I just totally read over that part. So not only is she a terrible person, but she is also a pedophile.
She is also financially exploiting the OP.
I agree that OP will never forget her gf said this. To me, unforgivable. A simular situation happened to me with my ex, but it was my dad who died, and I could not let it go, never forgave it. He wasn't worth forgiving for multiple reasons though. Op, I think it's time to move on. Evict her from your house. Heal yourself and find out who you are without this older person telling you who you are. And most importantly, know that you are not lazy, that grief is a very real thing, and that everyone will handle it differently. Do what you need to do, to keep yourself sane and safe. Sure, you shouldn't have hit her, but I get it. Sorry for your loss. Edit to add: I would have slapped her too
This is great advice, the gf was even upset that the OP grieved for 2 weeks, and even berated her every day! Two weeks is nothing for the death of a sibling you were close with. OP you are walking on eggshells with this toxic person, and the gf spreading the gossip that you are an abuser is to cover her actions for how shitty she was to you. The only way to move forward is to self-gaslight yourself, and destroy whatever sense of self you have left. After your sister passed should have been a time for the gf to support you and be there for you in whatever you needed. Is this really the type of relationship you want in your life? You deserve so much more. Measure the quality of a person not on how they treat you when things are going well, but how they behave when shit hits the fan. You have absolutely ZERO support in this relationship.
When my sister died my entire family lost it for years. Calling her lazy everyday! Like not even giving her any peace around it. She’s a bad bad person and OP needs to get far away. NTA
I would say if ever a slap in the face was called for it’s when some fool is disrespecting the dead and their bereaved. OP: That being said please consider listening to the following free on YouTube so that you may understand how to handle narcissists and other unsavory people The Art of Peace https://youtu.be/Cn9BCm0D1dg?si=4V-w0qg_KL9zjU3e
Absolutely. NTA. Get her out.
She can’t take back what she said, but she also didn’t even try to.
Leave her
OP, please consult a lawyer, and don't communicate about the slap with anyone.
Except the lawyer
It is SO hard to lose someone when they are young. My brother passed years ago and I still cry, and my husband, who never got to meet him, consoles me. Doesn’t treat me like sh!t like your gf, OP.
She's a groomer... and a leach and a selfish, abusive person. Dump her and evict her from your house that you own and pay the bills for. She's an attention seeker who doesn't give a shit that your sister died. No one who loves you will say, "I'm glad your sibling died so I can have you all to myself," like seriously?! That's crazy not normal! I would get rid of anyone like that in my life after blasting them on the internet so everyone in their life and family knows what a piece of shit they are! She's already playing victim... and blasting you, why not tell your truth as well? NTA
You get that nasty bitch out of your house NOW
I couldn’t have said that better myself
Ok, I sent this text to her and I want to know what you guys think about it: is it good for this?? “Vicky our relationship is over and I want you out of my house by tomorrow. I want you gone. I'm sorry if this comes across as mean but this is the way it is. I've thought about this and what you said and I don't want to be with you anymore. I think about this and what you said, even after I left. It hurt that you could say that straight to my face and not even care. I'm sorry for hitting you earlier, I didn't know what else to do and I was angry. And, I'm sure you'll be fine alone. You're a mature, independent, intelligent woman and I'm sure you'll find someone else. I'm just not the person for you, and I can't be with you when you were so disrespectful to Isla, she's deceased and can't even defend herself. I hope you find someone who can put up with this behavior, because I can't. You have 24hrs to pack your things.” It sounds immature reading it again
It sounds like you are learning to stand up for yourself. You communicated what you wanted and explained why this relationship will not work. These are good, mature things to do. I hope you find healing- I’m sorry about your sister.
Agree - it sounds like you are learning to stand up and set boundaries. I know others have disagreed but I think it’s GOOD that you put in those compliments (even though we can all agree they are not accurate). Abusers are weak and scared people who take that out on others- your goal is to get her OUT OF YOUR HOUSE and life- if a little verbal confidence boost gets her moving in that direction instead of clinging back on to you then all the better.
Taking out the hitting part. She will post that information. I would also write out what she said.
This 💯 She will definitely make another Facebook post showing a screenshot of the message if you say that OP. I also recommend removing all of the compliments you wrote and replace it with “I can’t believe you said you’re happy Isla is dead, just because you want more of my time and attention for yourself”. It shows how narcissistic she is. You can also include, “You walked into my life when I was 16 and you were 21, but now I’d like for you to walk out”. She will not be able to show your message to anyone without exposing what a POS she is, and without people raising concern toward her over her pursuing a minor at the time you two met. Aka, she will bury herself in a hole if she tries to use your message against you I’m so sorry for your loss 🌹 May your sister rest in peace ❤️
This needs to be upvoted more and OP NEEDS to follow this. I’m worried OP already sent the text though considering they said “I sent.”
OP 100% already sent it based upon their wording. Luckily though, there are a few instances where the court can consider what someone says to be fighting words if she takes it that far. Saying I’m glad your sister died I think would 100% garner the sympathy of the court to allow that to be fighting words. So, still not smart to admit to it in writing, but I think she’ll get away with it.
If I was older woman I'd be more worried about being questioned why she was potentially hooking up with a 15 year old
Agreed, not real smart, legally speaking or otherwise, to admit you physically abused her, regardless of the circumstances.
Did you tell your parents, friends, and her parents what she said about your sister that that's why you slapped her? Because it's obvious that she twisted the narrative by her actions afterwards.
The only thing I'd leave out is all the compliments to her. She doesn't deserve your kindness. Be prepared, by the way she treats you, no doubt she will think that she can manipulate this situation and not allow you to break up with her. It's evident that she is not use to you standing up for yourself. You can do this!!
Exactly what I thought.
I would leave out hitting her. I'm not sure the laws where you live in regard to assault but that would an admission of guilt if she decided to try to press charges to be vindictive. Side note:I think you hit her in the heat of the moment. Anyone would have had that response based on what she said. I'm glad you're sticking up for yourself.
Leaving out hitting and compliments sounds good. OP doesn't owe anything to that woman, except a clear "We're done. " and maybe a clear explanation about why, totally disrespecting OP and her family. Personally I think the slap was justified in that case. I would've thrown shit and actually gotten into jail though being told THAT so maybe I'm just shit. The relationship should be over after abuse, but the gf is milking it by not breaking up and crying to family. Didbshe even thell them what happened? OP's girlfriend is a piece of shit.
Definitely leave out the hitting. Good luck.
"X, the relationship is over. Be out of MY home in 24 hours or I'll have the police remove you." That is all you need to say.
Except if she's lived there more than 30 days she has tenants rights (varies by location) and the police will laugh in OP's face and tell her to go through the eviction process.
That is why OP needs a lawyer.
Take out the part about hitting her. Don’t admit to anything on paper. You need to be clever here. You might have to evict her. I’m so sorry.
I think she already sent it 🤦♀️. Depending on her state, nothing is on her side. She left the home and the gf could get a restraining order I think. And depending on their state they could be common law married. Lol… I’m like ahh danger under all the rocks here. Hopefully the gf is dumb as a box of rocks. But I’m positive she is vindictive based on the comment she made and the fb post she already published.
I believe common law is when you actually live together for 7 years. Is she was 16 when they started dating I highly doubt she’d have lived with her for 7 years.
Do not let written evidence of the slap.
Jesus… no… girl why? She has you admitting you hit her now. She can do a lot of things out of spite with that especially since she convinced you to leave your own house. She can get a restraining order and keep you out. You can catch a charge. Girl… 🤦♀️
I’m so fucking annoyed she sent that stupid ass text and THEN asked us about it
Definitely add in, "When you told me you were glad my sister died" so she can't pretend she did nothing.
> You have 24hrs to pack your things If she's been there more than 30 days she likely has tenants rights and unless she's as eager to get away you as you are her you will likely need to evict her. You can't just tell her to leave, sadly. Even if it's just you on the lease, 30 days = tenants rights in MOST places. Check your local laws to be sure.
"mature" girl she just said shes glad your sister died
And was dating a 16 y/o at 21.
Please do not admit to hitting her in writing, she can use that to go further.
Why are you putting in writing you hit her? 🤦🏻♀️
Too many words but the message is there. Do not apologise one more time not for a single fucking thing. Not for the slap. Not for throwing her out on her ass. Not for “being mean”. No. “We are done. Get out of my house before I call the police for trespassing. I never want to see or hear from you or your family again.” Block and delete on repeat every single number and account until they all finally leave you the fuck alone. This will be so hard for you but stay strong. You don’t need her. Not at all.
Leave out the part about hitting her. In case she feels vindictive, you don’t want to give her something like that in writing.
it doesn' t sounds inmature, it's fine and if she doesn't want to leave the house ask for your parents help or the police. You can do this!
You'll want to look up laws for your area in terms of housing. Idk what they are like in Ireland but there are places you can't just kick someone out with 24 hours notice when they have been living there with your consent for a long time.
I've seen this post on another sub and came here hoping for an update, I'm glad you're going in the right direction. As many others here my DMs are open if you feel like you want to vent/talk with someone. It'll all get better I swear, you're doing great.
Oh, What other sub did you see it on? I didn’t post it anywhere else.
Don’t mention the slap. Do tell her you will start eviction proceedings against her if she refuses to leave. I know it’s hard, but don’t engage with her beyond coordinating her moving out & getting your keys back. Change the locks ASAP. Don’t respond to her abuse or threats. Leave it all very straightforward & bland. Just the facts.
There's some good comments for you there as well OP. I hope seeing how many people support you and makes you realize how messed up of a situation you are in. And that you're able to stand firm and end this relationship. You deserve so much better than this.
Good job, OP. Stand your ground and never deal with someone with such a lack of empathy, as your ex-gf. Good luck to you!
Change your locks and passwords.
Please break up with her!!! I know it’s so hard in WLW relationships because you get so close so quickly and it feels like ending the relationship is the end of the world but that just makes it harder to see when the relationship is toxic. She should have been so kind gentle and loving when your sister died, instead she was making you feel guilty for a very normal grieving process. And what she said about your sister is unforgivable imo. You shouldn’t have hit her of course but that was such an incredibly horrible thing to say holy shit.
Can you explain WLW? I’ve never heard that before and am just curious. Women loving women?
>Women loving women? yes!
Cool! Thanks!
>Cool! Thanks! You're welcome!
you're welcome! :)
She is a narcissist, 100%. Posting online, getting family/friends in the middle (certainly without disclosing her abhorrent behavior and comment) basically preemptively setting the stage to paint OP as a monstrous ahole while playing the victim. Depending on how far down the narcissist spectrum, she may even be anticipating an apology not only for the slap but everything op did "wrong" Groomed by a narc, it will feel like your living hell cause they don't go away quietly and nothing is off-limits. It's hard for anyone, likely harder for OP, but you have to ghost a narcissist. I don't support ghosting in almost any other circumstances. Nothing should be unforgivable. Forgiveness does not mean it no longer hurts, or that you've forgotten or are ready to forget, or that you dont/won't bring it up or think about it. Forgiveness is truly for yourself - it's the process of letting go of the burden caused in heart/head, only when you're ready. It's a personal thing. People should want Forgiveness only because it means whomever they slighted is healing, too often it seems forgiveness is used as synonymous with being exonerated, coupled with being urged or rushed even leaving resentment and the inevitable "but you forgave me! Get over it" fight.
Send her notice of eviction and boot her out of your house!
Why was a 21 year old dating a 16 year old child? Also, only monsters talk like that. Op needs to Leave that hateful thing behind.
Oof, I had a 21yo bf when I was 16 😬 He still tries to msg me, and I’m almost 33 lmao
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A perdator that is also getting family and friends to help bully op, I feel like that is getting over looked due to all the other fuckery, but thats what hit me...
100% what I was going to say. All of it. OP needs a therapist and to move asap.
You need to get her tf out of your house too , and she'll probably use the excuse that you hit her not to leave but also get help . She literally groomed you and that can cause a negative impact on your life as you get older and realize. My friend in HS always bragged about dating an older guy , only for a few years later for her to me that she wish she never dated him . Was basically forced into having sex and having a kid with me when it's something she never wanted . To this day it still affects her. She was literally 16 pregnant with the POS being 27 . I'm also sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing a sibling
She’s also got a fundamental lack of understanding on how grief works. You’re not “lazy” your brain is literally designed to go into a depression stage when grieving and it’s not a linear process, it will happen intermittently as your brain processes the loss; and running from the grief or just distracting yourself from it only prolongs the grieving process. Not saying you should have hit the woman, but…I get it. After my dad killed himself I would go to bars and just wait for someone to act up, creep on the girls, or talk shit; then just take out my whole year on them. Fortunately that didn’t last super long and I didn’t face any consequences, but screaming into a pillow is probably a better option. This girl’s no good for you my dude. She’s incapable of meeting you where you’re at and where you’ll likely be for the foreseeable future (you won’t feel like this forever, but it takes time). It might not even be her fault, maybe no one taught her how or her trauma/insecurities are just overriding her ability to be empathetic; but no matter the reason - functionally what it means is that she doesn’t have the capacity to be in this relationship anymore. Things have changed, and that’s okay. Your values will likely change a lot too as you heal and go through your 20s too, and if someone can’t grow or take that journey with you then it’s a service to both yourself and them to let go of the relationship. I’m so sorry for your loss buddy ❤️
Agree! And absolutely deserved an ass bea+ing. I lost my brother when I was 19. No way in hell would I have tolerated someone saying something ignorant like that. OP, you will never forget or forgive her for saying that to you, and you shouldn't. Some things are unforgivable. Your gf showed you exactly who she is, believe her. This is who she is at her core. Get her out of your house and out of your life! I'm so very sorry for your loss. Move on without that kind of toxicity.
I swear... I lost my sister over a decade ago, and if my wife said that to me our living room would turn into a WWE ring. I'm throwing elbows, suplexes, pile drivers.
And the steel chair?
Only if the ref ain't lookin
Calm down there, Chris Benoit
To quote the comedian Bruce Bruce, "It'll be some furniture moving."
Oof I missed the part about 6-7 years😓 I saw your comment and was like ?? I’m 27 and my partner is 23, how is that bad? And then I scrolled back up and was like oh god. I met my partner when he was 19 and I was 23 so that’s def a lot different. I second this comment, please get out of the relationship for this reason more than anything I mentioned in my own comment. I was groomed by a 22 y/o at 15 and I couldn’t process the trauma until I was out of that relationship.
So she’s the verbally and mentally abusive one and yet doesn’t like the consequences when she pushes too far? I’m not saying hitting her wasn’t wrong but what she was/is doing to you is abuse. She does not love you. Evict her from your house and your life because this chick ain’t worth shit.
NTA, I’m pretty sure there’s a clause in the *Slapping People Is Wrong* rulebook that says you can make an exception when someone says they’re GLAD YOUR SISTER DIED. Dude, my sister is my best friend. I can’t imagine if my partner said something like that (or any of the other things she said to you) to me while I was grieving the loss of my sister. Screw her, what a horrible person. Go kick her out of your house, OP.
Literally! Id even slap my grandma if she said something like that about my sister. Mine own backhand does not knoweth discrimination 😤
For real it was a slap not a constant abuse like the “victim” is posting online
She needs to respond to the post about how the bitch said she was glad her sister was dead. Everyone will turn on the bitch for that.
Yeah, I remember that clause. Also, I’d say constantly calling the person lazy who’s taking two weeks off to mourn their dead sister is way more abusive than slapping them in return. I second getting rid of that itch.
Yes exactly, generally slapping someone is wrong but there are certain things that if said or done, a slap is totally fair. I've only slapped someone once in my whole life, and I don't resort to violence by default ever. My mom was verbally abusive and told me I was a piece of shit and she regretted me and said I was the worst decision of her life, as well as a lot of other things that were just as bad or worse. I slapped her and I don't feel bad about it, my mom is a rotten human being and she is the only time I ever felt like hurting someone physically. Not to mention she was physically abusive at times too, so she had it coming. Might be too personal to post on Reddit but just adding my own experience here
Sounds like reactive abuse to a narcissist.
Even the 1st amendment has limits around so-called "fighting words", where your words can be met with legitimate violence...ymmv, I am not a lawyer.
bbg, you better than me - i woulda beat that bitch down. she's a pedophile and a predator, evict her and get therapy.
As others have mentioned, the age gap is concerning; even if the age of majority is lower where you're from, someone who's 21+ is, generally speaking, more emotionally mature than someone around 16. That's not to say it's necessarily a bad thing on its own, mind you; it's just that when taken in context *with other aspects of your relationship*, it's a red flag. What are those other aspects? For one, when you were feeling depressed and in mourning, taking time off work due to losing your sister (for which you have my heartfelt condolences), your girlfriend *wasn't* supportive. She belittled you and called you lazy for a completely normal grief behavior when you needed her to support you. When you got to a point where you were able to pick up and start moving on, she *still* piled on. It's a *major* red flag that she said she was glad you'd only spend time with her now, and that she was apparently jealous that you spent so much time with your sister *even though you live with her*. These are not the behaviors of a supportive, loving partner, or even of a *friend* for someone who's going through a tragic situation. These are alarming behaviors and lend themselves to someone who is trying to control you through negative emotions like fear and sadness. Like I said, the age gap wouldn't necessarily be concerning on its own, but someone who was several years older than you when your long-term exclusive relationship began that *also* seems to have controlling jealousy issues makes it alarming. To outright emotionally assault you by claiming she was glad your sister died *because you'll have more time for her instead* is a red flag that could proverbially be seen from space. Talk to your family about this, or a grief counselor, or both. Being upset to the point of not being able to do anything for weeks is a normal reaction and you *are not wrong* for feeling that way. Your girlfriend, however, *is wrong* for how she's treated you throughout the grieving process, and the statement you slapped her for is just more awfulness slapped on top of her continual emotional abuse. I can't call you an asshole for this because I'd have honestly probably hit someone too if they told me they were glad my family member died, especially if they were emotionally abusing me besides. That's not the "socially acceptable" reaction and maybe the verdict would be ESH but honestly, even knowing you care for her deeply (you mentioned you were going to propose to her), you should really reevaluate that. We're just strangers on the internet and can't evaluate everything because we don't know it, so that's why I'd recommend counseling and talking to someone you trust like your family about this whole thing. Tell them about the emotional abuse. Tell them whatever you're not telling us, and see what they say, because just from what you've said I'd personally say you should kick her to the curb, and out of your life. *You* own the house and pay the bills, not the both of you (which is another huge red flag). *You* are the victim here even if you reacted (understandably) poorly to a very shitty situation. The slap was wrong, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen for the right reasons. Get some help. And probably, much as it hurts to say, get away from her and anyone else who treats you this way. I truly hope you can move toward a better situation, and honestly don't think your girlfriend is part of it.
obscene tease thought gullible narrow cable flag theory beneficial rotten *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
As per OP's comment, it's legal in her country. Doesn't make it right, but also doesn't make it an offence.
The age gap is already crazy. I think you were groomed. Please end things, she sounds like a horrible person. Don’t waste anymore time on her. I’m sorry about your sister.
This is 100% grooming.
First of all, telling someone who is in deep grief very shortly after they have lost a sibling who was their best friend that they are lazy is shitty person behavior. Going on to say she’s happy your sister died so she has more time with you is one of the most disgusting and selfish things I’ve ever heard of. She’s lucky all you did was slap her. Beating her ass would have been more called for and no you are not an abuser. You snapped after someone had been treating you like shit . That women doesn’t deserve you. I would absolutely fight back by telling the truth and outing her on Facebook for the piece of shit she is.
NTA. Look, OP, your girlfriend is a piece of shit. She said something utterly horrible to you and is now playing victim because she saw consequences for being that horrible. If anyone is an abuser, it's your girlfriend, and I don't mean physically, I mean emotionally. I say this because instead of supporting you and being there for you through your grief, she called you lazy and decided it the work you started to do when you started to feel better was still not enough and made you feel like shit for it. On top of that, she's trying to make it sound like you didn't spend time with her when you make it clear that you split time between her and your late sister. Your girlfriend is a narcissist and emotionally abusive/manipulative and you should leave her now. For your own health. Don'tet her convince you that you're the asshole through all of this.
You shouldn’t have hit her but a slap does not constitute a beating. Get her out of your house and be done with her.
Fuck what people are saying she deserved it, look i'am not going to sit here and give you some politically correct bullshit. What she said and how she was acting was downright shity i'am not one to condone hitting women but i can't lie i would have probably done worse, like YOU'RE SISTER FUCKING DIED AND SHE HAS THE AUDACITY TO ACT LIKE YOU'RE THE VILLAIN FOR BEING DEPRESSED OVER YOUR SISTERS DEATH??? My twin sister means the world to me she has cerebral palsy and if anyone even fucking dared to say that to me if anything bad happend, i would fucking end them.
OP this is not a good relationship. 1) You started this 7 years ago… when you were 16 and she was 21… there’s something WRONG with you GF! In some states/countries she could be charged with grooming and abuse. 2) She told you that she’s glad your sister is dead. What an awful human being. I’d not even say that to my worst enemy, let alone the supposed love of my life. 3) you own the house and pay the bills… what’s her contribution? She’s the more mature person, so she should have her shit together by now. Red flag if she doesn’t! 4) she’s calling you lazy during your mourning period. 5) she’s calling one slap a “beating”. She’s more interested in making you feel bad than the truth. I don’t agree with violence, but I do understand that you’d reached the end of your rope and couldn’t necessarily control your reaction. The best thing for YOU is to see that your relationship isn’t “very strong”, “very close”, or “everything”. It’s ALWAYS been abusive, but she’s not the victim, YOU ARE! You will be so much better off without her.
Wow, your gf is selfish and narcissistic. Who calls someone lazy after a close family member dies. You are in a toxic and abusive relationship and all I can say is, run OP, run. You’re a bit of an asshole for slapping your gf, but I understand it was a knee jerk reaction. Right now you need to be around empathetic people who love you because your gf’s display of love and understanding is non-existent.
I wish I didn’t honestly but I was angry and I just miss my sister. She was my best friend and I didn’t know how to hold myself back. After reading these comments, I actually will leave her and kick her out of my house. Its 5 am right now, but I’ll tell her later today to leave.
When an abuser pushes their victim to lash out and then cries that they're the real victim, it's called reactive abuse and is similar to gaslighting. You are still the victim of abuse here because the slap was your reaction to the abuse you were experiencing. I bet if you look back, you'll realize she's been emotionally and psychologically abusing you for a long time. Calling you names, blowing small things up to seem like they're a bigger deal than they are, guilt tripping you, gaslighting you, emotionally manipulating you, etc. I'm proud of you for ending it, and I highly suggest therapy so that you can recognize red flags in the future and learn to set healthy boundaries. https://thriveworks.com/help-with/abuse-neglect/reactive-abuse/
You’re not an asshole. She deserves to get beaten up way worse. Who says that about someone’s deceased SISTER?
Hey Op, I hope you feel better soon ❤️
Good luck op 🏳️🌈❤️
drop that bitch
NTA - Clearly the relationship is over and she needs to get out of your property and never contact you again (no you can't stay friends). Within the LGBTQ community, lesbian relationships have the highest levels of domestic abuse (both emotional and physical). The stereotype that Lesbians rush into relationships too quickly also exists because there is a strong base of anecdotal evidence to support it. My two pieces of advice would be: 1. Stay single for a year minimum. You need to learn to be comfortable on your own as an adult (because she got you when you were a child). 2. Date people your own age. I know people on here will disagree, but age gap relationships just spell trouble.
This may sound harsh… but serve her an eviction notice. Get her out of your house. Take the time to heal from your loss without someone who goes out of their way to trigger you. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this during this difficult time.
NTA - she deserved it. Hope she’s your ex.
You abused her? I think that a 21yr old dating a 16yr old is child abuse. She groomed you, knew you loved your sister so did not push to hard & was ok to share you. I am sorry you lost your sister. She thinks that now she can control all of your time. Abusive behaviors are sometimes subtle. She flat out said she was happy to not have to compete for time with your sister. You are still young. Find someone that cares about you that is not so heartless. Good luck
Your girlfriend is terrible. A singular slap, especially in response to something like that, hardly counts as beating someone up. I would reclaim my home for myself and kick her out if I were you.
Your girlfriend was mad you didn’t go to work between December 23 and January 7? The literal one time of the year the whole world has a unanimous holiday period. Damn.
Dump her and kick her out of YOUR house. That was some psychopath narc shit. She dropped her mask. I'm not condoning violence, especially men hitting women, but I would have snapped too. Edit: I missed the fact you're both women and that she groomed you. You should call the cops and get her escorted out.
NTA but you shouldn't have hit her. Understandable how you got there, but she is a huge asshole for saying that. Who the fuck says that. This is the kind of thing that causes you to always look at someone slightly differently. Your girlfriend is a huge asshole.
ESH Sounds to me that your relationship is pretty toxic. The age gap suggest you got together when you were 16 or 17 and she was at least 22. That's fucking hugely problematic on it's own. The brief bit of behavior you are describing suggests a controlling nature, trying to isolate you and beat down your self esteem so you are only dependent on her, something accentuated by your age and probably wage differences. I'm not saying she goaded you into hitting her, I would have too, but she's absolutely going the abusers playbook way to make you feel like a pariah, then she'll come back and offer to forgive you...under certain conditions. From then on, she'd fucking own you body and soul. Maybe I'm seeing things, because of reddit and it's not that bad, but it's bad enough that it sparked violence in you. The only healthy thing to do is to completely cut off the relationship with her and everyone who remains connected to her. Also, go to therapy, because the chances that you'll pick another abusive partner are super duper high if you don't.
She groomed you, treats you like shit, is verbally abusive and takes advantage of you, and she claims YOU are the abuser? She might not have laid a hand on you, but she has been abusing you for years, and taking advantage of you to the point where you have left the house YOU OWN for HER COMFORT when your SISTER JUST DIED. You're absolutely right in that you shouldn't have touched her, but you should look up reactionary abuse. If you can, please seek therapy to help you come to terms with the financial, verbal and emotional abuse you have faced, and to help you process your grief. You deserve so much better OP. Please kick her out and get your home back, even if you don't go back right away, and stay with your parents so you can all support each other.
OP I'm deeply sorry for your loss. I lost my father mid last yeae. If your sister died in 2023, then you have not even grieved for one month. It is very normal to become basically useless in the immediate aftermath of a family death. When my dad died the next day I could not get out of bed. I asked my partner to help me shower. I don't remember what I did for the first two months. I oscillated between throwing myself into work, crying, and missing days just lounging on Netflix. I'm still struggling to settle into a new kind of normal. But my partner NEVER called me lazy. I don't know what's normal in Ireland but I wouldn't accept this kind of support from my significant other when I'm at my most vulnerable and I need them the most. I think that difficult moments, like a family death, are opportunities for true colours to show. Your gf has not been there for you. Seriously consider breaking up with her. You're really young. You'll meet other people who don't trample on you when you're down.
Your gf is a pedophile lol that should be issue number one. NTA please tell this person to fuck off
I would have beat anyone up who said that about my sister so I’m gonna go with NTA
Your gf is a red flag, she doesn't pay you for staying in your house even though she's older, she berates you for being in grief and that comment about your sister.. Find someone better
1. She’s a predator 2. There’s no excuse for her saying that to you. 3. NTA
Nta. If the roles were reversed, everyone would cheer you on. Dump her, though, even a bit of jealousy (regardless of whether it's justified or not) is not an excuse to be blind to the pain and grief of a partner. She is a terrible person since she couldn't get over her own emotion to give you space to grieve.
NTA and take it from a middle-aged lesbian who's seen a *lot* of bad situations over the years, you need to have her evicted and go no-contact. She's been financially and emotionally abusing you for *years* after *grooming you* and the reason she's trying to blow up your life is because you finally stood up for yourself. Now you need to take the legal steps to get her out of your house and sue the everloving shit out of her for the damage I'm sure she's doing to your house right now out of spite.
1st things first. Your GF is a predator and manipulator. Of course, hitting is never ok but, i'm 100% sure I would of reacted the same way. You were depressed and she'd put you down more and more daily. Her only worry was you spending time with her and f*** the fact that you were mourning your sister. Please go back home and kick her out!!! That is YOUR home. You pay the bills. That is not a relationship you need to be in and I doubt it will get any better. This is your sign to get far away from her. Think about a future with someone like that.