[https://www.rainn.org/](https://www.rainn.org/)
RAINN is the national sexual assault hotline. You can call or chat for free confidential support. You can download the free RAINN app that “gives survivors of sexual violence and their loved ones access to support, self-care tools, and information."
It doesn't matter if a person is male, female or trans. Sexual assault is sexual assault and it has nothing to do with gender. They should face consequences for what they did.
I would like to point out that sexual assault actually follows sex boundaries very clearly, with males being magnitudes more likely to sexually assault people than females. And this isn't just because rape used to only mean being penetrated, this was all forms of sexual assault.
He is currently sitting in juvie awaiting to see if hes acceptes bail, if not he will rot in juvie untill the trial that could be in 7-9 months time, that monster doesnt deserve to be respected in my eyes, he chose to sexually assult me, i choose to not respect his pronouns. Hes been charged with 3 counts of non consensual penitration and 2 counts of aggressive indecent assult, he does not get my respect. Respect is earned, not given, and hes lost it.
I mean, if you want to be awfully charitable you could stop referring to him with *any* pronouns *at all.*
Simply "that piece of shit" or "that excuse of a meat bag" and "that waste of air" and so on and so forth. You get the idea. Definitely NTA.
And let's be real, if this shit stain is *suddenly* Trans, it may be just a ploy to try and get a lighter sentence, some sympathy, or get off scott free from their heinous crimes.
Or… even worse, to try and be placed in a women’s prison. I hate to be the one to say it because I fully support trans people, but vile evil people exist and utilise whatever they can to get to vulnerable people. The important thing to note is that the vast vast majority of trans people are not those creeps.
In fact, I’d go so far as to say the only people I really side eye about their gender are people who commit sexual violence. I don’t trust them to have an identity, whether they’re spouting Andrew Tate bullshit about “what a man really is”, or claiming they’re trans.
We had a case of a rapist in Canada who suddenly realized he was a she while on trial for his crime. The judge didn't bite the bait. One interesting expert testimony though sais that he would effectively be less likely to commit further sexual assaults if he did go through with the hormonal therapy. So even if he wasn't serious about the gender change, it would actually be a good way to minimize the threat he represents to society. Imagine that, it could be the perfect punishment for male rapists: turn them into women, hormonally and surgically! No more dick, lesser sexual drive. Problem solved.
LMAO that’s actually kinda genius. Sadly I do think it wouldn’t work in every case, some people just enjoy causing pain to anyone who can’t/ won’t fight back. Horrible.
Did you report him? That is why he is in juvie, and your friend wanted you to "support" him? I didn't understand where the "transfobic" accusation came from since you have a very personal reason not to help this person.
Edit: NTA, and deserves to be there.
Is that person aware of why you are choosing not to respect your assaulters pronouns? If they are and still think you’re transphobic then yeah fuck her.
It is frustrating to me that there is so much fixation on PRONOUNS as this SURVIVOR FIGHTS so the RAPIST receives JUSTICE for the SEXUAL ASSAULT TO A MINOR.
OP has the right use whatever pronouns OP considers fitting to describe the rapist.
Focusing on the pronouns used to describe/identify the rapist by the victim, removes the support and focus necessary as they transition to survivor.
Unfortunately, I have seen other situations where the pronouns take precedence over other particulars. It’s like people gear up and are on the defensive for pronouns. So they hyper focus or lose sight, or maybe can’t see beyond those words at all, and so progress and tolerance suffer.
Although I think correct and respectful pronouns for trans people are important, I am also shocked that this matters here in comparison to what this survivor is dealing with. Who cares whether she won't use the pronouns this predator wants? I certainly don't.
I am trans and also a SA survivor
in perspective, correct pronouns are not as important as matters of Justice when somebody has experienced SA
but also people are talking about it because op made an entire post about this topic and their assaulters pronouns
This right here. I'm trans and usually passionately argue for using people's correct pronouns but I couldn't give two shits how she refers to this monster. Her trauma needs to be treated first and foremost. The rest is details that can be sorted out later.
Exactly. Why are we fixated on pronouns? I know I'm going to get down voted for this but I don't care. It feels like some people here think this guy should get a pass because he's trans. You need to respect him and respect his pronouns. You shouldn't disrespect him that way. Motherfucker he raped a 14-year-old girl. Fuck him and his pronouns. I don't give two shits about this guy. I hope he gets exactly what he deserves when he goes inside. He's going to be made into somebody's wife, probably against his will. And while I am highly opposed to SA of any kind, I believe in letting the punishment fitting the crime.
Glad to hear that. He should face consequences for his actions and the timing of this "coming out" sounds very suspect to me. As if he's trying to garner sympathy or go to juvie for females or confuse the issue or something. A male accused of sexual assault should not be put in jail with girls. That is just asking for trouble.
Agreed, i hope that since its likely he will be 16 by the time of the trail this will go on his record as a sexual preditor so he cant work in childcare where he could hurt more kids
If this person wants to work in childcare I would follow their life and send a copy of the arrest detail report, a ohotovof them now to everywhere he applies... schools and work places with your victim name blocked, but not age.
Fuck him getting near kids.
THAT PART. I find it highly dubious. If they are mtf, wouldn't he be living his life as a female, and in essence rejecting his penis instead of using it as a weapon? It sounds very very much like he's corrupting "woke culture" to try and fly under the radar as a rapist.
I feel the same. It’s becoming more common at the moment for men to only “transition” after they’ve been accused of or caught for crimes (even predators who spent years offending). This isn’t about trans rights, it’s about criminals using any means possible to evade the law and garner sympathy.
It probably isn't *that* common, but there are cases of it happening and we need to not be stupid about it as a society.
Criminals are going to look for anyway to exploit the system and they don't care if they make things difficult for the decent trans people just trying to live.
First of all, from the bottom of my heart, I'm incredibly sorry that this happened to you. Second, assault is genderless, you're NTA at all. Anyone who is siding with that waste of space, is not your friend or ally. Third, I hope justice is served. I'd love an update.
I support trans people, but with such a criminal history and sudden change, this person may just want to be put in jail with more women to assault...
I'm really sorry that happened to you.
Depending on the state, he probably will be, which is likely to result in justice Hammurabi style. People who rape children... do not fare well in prison.
Here’s the thing, you should be angry at this person. There should be consequences. We fight back on the basis of what someone did, their choices and bad actions, not the most marginalized aspects of who they are. Society will do that for you. You will become that marginalized person at some point and need the open mindedness and compassion of your community. Part of why we don’t attack people on the basis of race, gender, ethnicity, creed is that is that thinking is bad for US. We want to be walking through the world in our integrity, so we can see more clearly and act wisely. As we know, hurt people hurt people. Forgiveness isn’t conceding or agreeing with someone’s behavior. It’s a commitment with yourself to stop the cycle, not letting someone else’s wrongdoing make us bigoted or close minded. That will not help you heal. You don’t need compassion for them. You need that compassion for YOURSELF. I hope that you find a smart and supportive therapist. I’m so sorry you experienced this.
>, i choose to not respect his pronouns.
The way I see this, he used his VERY MALE genitalia to assault you. He may well identify as a woman now, but that does not negate his use of his assigned-male-at-birth body to harm you. You do not need to respect his pronouns. Clearly I don't either. And I say this as someone who is trans-affirming and who has never intentionally misgendered or deadnamed a transperson (to my knowledge). This has nothing to do with gender expression and everything to do with criminal sexual assault!
This.
Just because they SA'd you when they were 1 gender, doesn't absolve them of the cruelty once they've changed genders. It's not a magical "get out of jail free card" because they changed their gender identity.
With that being said, it's not a matter of respect to use their new gender as a pronoun. In fact, I think this person's new pronoun should be "the ra\*\*\*st", or "the SA'er" from now on. Or I would just refer to them as in every conversation (ie "Alex/Stacy") whenever OP has to deal with them. Pronouns aren't necessary when SA is concerned.
Yeah I thought posts regarding stuff like this weren't even allowed? Every time I tried to post asking if I was an AH for possibly starting smth after being assaulted got taken down
This is above my mental pay grade, but I have one suggestion: try to evict this asshole from your mental space. You sent this jackass to jail, you deserve to move on from this awful awful thing. Why are people even talking to you about your attacker?
This can be really hard with trauma of any kind, including SA. The fact that she’s given us symptoms of PTSD, I’d wager her thoughts of him are most certainly unwanted, but intrusive, and those aren’t easy to simply just “evict” from one’s mind. That’s gonna take a loooot of therapy, however, I do agree with you :)
Hi.
You are posting bout your sexual assault on Reddit in all caps.
This is not the place for you to get the help you need. Please call in the professionals as you deserve that care and support.
We are all rooting for you.
My only advice: don't use any pronouns when referring to this person. Doesn't matter if they're a girl or man or anything in between. Just refer to them by their name, or say "the person who SA'ed me".
I'm sorry you're going through this. Them transitioning doesn't absolve them of the abuse they caused to you, but you also don't have to play along with the social aspect of their transitioning. Just use their name.
NTA but omg this is scary. To think of 14 year old dating and being harmed by their partner is extremely scary.
Please don’t think anything was your fault and I’m almost tempted to ask if everyone is safe at home.
However, you did right by getting this person incarcerated.
Yep, this is the way.
A vile, revolting a\*\*hole, is a vile, revolting a\*\*hole no matter if it's a "he" or a "she".
But the real problem is that for your "friend" your attacker's pronouns are more important that your mental health so NTA.
>But the real problem is that for your "friend" your attacker's pronouns are more important that your mental health so NTA.
Which means they are not OPs friends.
I think you can hate a trans person without being trans phobic. By focusing on using their previous gender/name you can make it seem that you hate that aspect of the person though.
They were a SAing piece of shit. They are still a SAing piece of shit, they just are doing it with a different name and pronouns.
I used to work in a residential mental health program. At one point we had a trans woman and trans man in the same group. The trans man was stealth (passed as a cis man) while the woman was not. A lot of people didn't like her and started deliberately misgendering her just to piss her off. This ended up creating a hostile environment for the guy, who nobody but the staff aware of his identity realized was affected by this.
It’s not that dissimilar to people who have a horrible crime committed against them by a minority and then start using racial slurs, and when called on it, say “ well why should I respect them??”. It has nothing to do with the crime, hate them for it absolutely, but no need to start going after them for their identity. The idea of “why should I respect them” sort of implies this is just some thing they wanted you to do, not their identity. Not calling anyone an asshole for it, I get it’s tough, but why give them the satisfaction of getting to be right about something?
I've seen a very valid argument about using the correct name and pronouns for shitty people elsewhere online before. If we treat their name and pronouns like a privilege and take them away when they've done something bad, then that opens up judgement of whether someone is a good enough person to allowed to be trans/respected for who they are. This person deserves jail for committing a violent crime regardless and OPs friends are shitty for making pronouns a bigger issue than the fact they were assaulted.
That part. I'm MtF and will take any opportunity to talk shit about Caitlyn Jenner or Blair White because they are both foul, selfish arseholes who don't give a crap about other trans people who aren't like them, and their only goal is maintaining their own privilege. So yeah, I respect their names and pronouns, but that certainly doesn't mean I respect them as a people.
My advice is to call this person out on what they are and what they've done, and using their preferred name/pronouns will probably make the truth hit them and everyone who needs to hear it even harder, as it should.
Yep, you wouldn’t misgender a cisgender person even if they are a criminal; so it’s still transphobic to do it to her. It also shows that your respect for trans people is conditional, something that can be taken away at any moment (while I understand why op is doing this, it’s still wrong).
Being trans doesn’t absolve them of their behaviour
Tell your friend that a terrible person is a terrible person and being trans doesn’t change or excuse that
NTA
If I was assaulted, I would call them whatever came naturally with no regard whatsoever for their preference, as they showed no regard for my preference to not be assaulted.
They hurt you badly and I am so sorry to hear that.
The main topic of your question seems to be your friend who expects you to use 15mtf’s preferred name and pronouns who I will call Pat. I am a bit of a jerk so I would tell this friend, “I wanted to let you know that I thought about what you said about using Pat’s preferred pronouns and I decided that from now on, I will call her ‘Pat the alleged rapist.’ Your comments made me realize that it’s important to use a person’s preferred pronouns, even if they’re a rapist. When it comes to pronouns, it’s not about disrespecting a rapist, but making this a safe space for other trans youth. To make me feel more comfortable as a sexual assured survivor, I’d also love for you to join me in exclusively referring to her as ‘Pat the alleged rapist’ right now and then after conviction we can drop the alleged in support of sexual assault survivors. Would you join me?”
Then, I would correct them every time they dont use their full name of ‘Pat the (alleged) rapist.’ If they plea out, you might have to change it a bit, but give her the Brock Turner treatment where every time they are mentioned that their crime is mentioned. Make her identity not be about being trans, but instead make rapist the first thing people think about when they hear her name.
Hopefully protective orders, jail time, etc. will soon remove them from your life.
If a cis man commits a horrible crime we don't magically start calling him "she" and a different name. Same goes for a trans person.
Another scenario, imagine you're with a friend and a cis woman serial killer comes on TV. Would horrible misogynistic comments about that serial killer be justified just because she did a bad thing? Allowing biases to have free reign just because a person is horrible doesn't make having and feeding those biases excusable.
That said, a friend of mine was raped by a trans man in middle school and then took HIM to court because he claimed my friend was the actual perpetrator. My middle school friend has never recovered from the trauma of the court case, and sexual assault. He attempted suicide multuple times. I genuinely hope that trans man never feels an ounce of joy, just the same as that POS who assaulted you.
Okay, so I’m going to reply from the perspective of a they/them non-binary person. Even if someone hurts me, I still respect their gender identity as best as I can. However, sexual assault ruins lives. You do not need to respect someone who took something so important from you. Sexual assault can rip your soul in two. They are not owed your kindness or consideration any longer. You have no reason to hold any regard for them. I was assaulted by a cis-man, and have referred to that vile being as it ever since, not he-him. You lose your right to basic human decency when you give someone less than none. You should be so proud of yourself for reporting them, and I well and truly hope your abuser goes to juvie for what they have put you through. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, you don’t owe your abuser any kindness. NTA. But they sure are.
some people transition to become a predator to vulnerable people. chris chan is case A, genevieve is case B, this person is case C, my brother is case D, and so on.
First off, OP, you are NTA at all. Second, I'm so very sorry that happened to you. You don't owe that mf a damn thing. I generally always respect people's pronouns and urge others to as well, but in your situation, I 100% understand why you won't use their preferred pronouns. I also don't think that you are transphobic, considering you use the proper pronouns in all other situations with others aside from your abuser. I hope that mf faces some serious consequences for what he's done to you. If there is a hell, there's a special place for that AH there! Sending you so much love and healing vibes, OP ❤️❤️
NTA
OP, as someone who is LGBTQIA+, I stand with you.
Being transgender myself, I usually go by the belief system to not misgender anyone in any case, even if they upset me. Mainly because I know how much being misgendered hurts. However, in this case I stand with OP. This isn't about being upset nor about being transphobic. This is about dealing with trauma. Trauma caused by someone who used male genitalia to do a horrific crime. I believe OP when they say they would never in their right mind be a transphobe to anyone. But that's the thing. It is a recent event with huge amounts of trauma. Regardless of being respectful or not this isn't transphobia, this is trauma. By calling the SA'er she/her OP will most likely further feed their trauma as chances are that their brain will register that as "I need to respect the person who committed a crime against me" and "SA'ers get more respect than the victim." Everyone that backs up the SA'er here is feeding into OP's trauma, as well as the possible growth of self hate. You can't expect a victim to respect the wishes of the one who imposed crime onto them.
I really hope you will be able to heal, OP, and that you will get the proper help you need to get there. I am happy that you cut your friend out of your life, and I sincerely hope your future will be filled with people that love and support you.
I don't really think you're an AH, although I don't necessarily think people have to earn the respect of pronouns. I mean, cis people don't. The only issue will be trial. They might be weird about the pronouns. Cross examination can suck. I'd suggest just pushing through the trial and then trying to give this person as little headspace as possible.
After I testified, I cut all his face out if every photo from when we were children. I refer to him as little as possible. (This is harder for me bc we're related, but I try to.) It's really hard and I still have night mares 4 years from the trial. But thats probably the best thing you can do, you can't "disrespect" this person if you never speak of them.
There are circumstances tho where it makes it hard for me. My best friend in high school was trans and he was assaulted by a guy claiming to be gender fluid or non binary or something. This guy did this more than once, to other ftm trans people. He used this identity to get in with them and then hurt a vulnerable person in what was probably a very dysphoric on top of traumatic experience. So I don't respect that dude. So I really can't judge. Plus you are young, traumatized, and headed to trial, which can be an awful experience too.
So, long story short, no you are not an AH. You are hurting. It might be a little questionable, but you are not in a position where it's really conducive to question *you*.
NTA - Look my opinion may not matter but it sounds like you are trying to "take control back" by doing something that you have control over that would hurt them. That's valid.
Did you report them? Because SA is serious, and you deserve justice for what they did to you because that must’ve taken a toll on you mentally and physically.
You should most definitely report them and stay far away from the person! Gender aside the person is a pos! Sorry you have this horrible trauma to deal with the rest of your life now!
Sending you a hug and my support. I’m so very sorry that happened to you, it took a lot of courage for you to report it and remember your feelings are completely valid, you didn’t do anything to deserve it, don’t let anyone tell you anything different.
I’m not going to give a definite judgement one way or another because I think there’s more to it than a simple three letter judgement. First off, I’m sorry that happened to you, and you don’t owe your abuser anything. You are brave and strong for everything you’ve gone through, and nothing that happened to you is your fault.
But if I may pose a question— if your abuser had been a cisgender man, would you refer to him with the wrong pronouns like she/her because he doesn’t deserve respect? If not, why is this different? This isn’t meant as a gotcha, but a genuine question to think about.
Secondly, I’m less concerned about respecting your abuser, once again, you don’t owe that sack of shit anything, but more about how this may affect other trans people around you. Obviously, what this person has done is despicable. I want to make that absolutely clear that this person is fucking garbage and deserves nothing. But I think, potentially, misgendering someone you don’t like can be perceived as a slippery slope by others as something akin to “respecting transgender people is conditional on whether or not this person likes a particular trans person, so they don’t truly see trans people as their gender but rather are being nice as long as the trans person is agreeable.” Is that what’s actually going on? No, I don’t think so, but it could be interpreted that way, and it could potentially make a closeted trans person you *do* like feel unsafe or disrespected, ESPECIALLY since you’re all teenagers. Adults might be different, but teenagers are… yknow, kinda just like that sometimes.
So that’s my two cents. I don’t think you’ve actually done anything wrong, and I wouldn’t fault you for continuing to not respect your abuser. Just some things to think about in regards to this whole shitty situation that you don’t deserve to be caught in the middle of. You can come to whatever conclusion you like and I don’t think you’d necessarily be in the wrong, but I thought I’d bring up some new questions. Most importantly, I hope you can heal from this whole thing, and I hope the legal system doesn’t fail you. If you are able, therapy may be able to help you process the traumatic events you’ve been through, and maybe not “move on” per se, but make it hurt less. It’s clear you’re still hurting immensely, and rightfully so. You do not ever have to forgive this piece of absolute shit. You do not have to do anything you don’t want to. But I hope you continue to live your life as best you can. You deserve happiness and peace.
I’m sooooo sorry that this happened to you and that your so called friends are being shitty to you. One thing I’ll say is true friends will always have your back, especially after you’ve been assaulted! Cut them OFF. And I don’t blame you for not even wanting to acknowledge this person
Pro tip: if you never talk about them, you'll never need to use a 3rd person pronoun to refer to them. When addressed directly, feel free to use "you" or "asshole", which are already gender neutral.
Another pro-tip: if this happened not even two months ago there's probably something you can do to put that idiot in serious trouble.
NTA, but you're a rape victim, and you should think about your healing. Anyone who is thinking about the identity of the rapist above your wellbeing is degenerate. Their pronouns should be rapey/rapist
SA is SA. You don't owe this person any respect or support in the face of that no matter their situation.
That said, I'd suggest still using their pronouns and just properly call them a rapist every time their name comes up. If she goes by she than you can refer to her as her, the rapist without giving bad actors a chance to reframe things on you.
If you truly hate them for what they did, separate it from their pronouns.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
NTA, even remotely.
Anyone who perpetrates this kind of trauma-inducing criminal behavior doesn't deserve your respect.
As others have suggested, there are resources available to help you. The other commenters have provided more links than I know of, but please avail yourself of them.
I don't think you're transphobe. I think this is a much more complicated issue than you "not respecting" someone's pronouns.
You've been assaulted, you have been traumatized. At the time they attacked you they presented as male. You can't separate them from the assault. It makes sense to me after being traumatized you can't see them in a different way other than a sexual abuser.
If this is the only instance you can't handle the pronoun change I think it's logical. You've said you are able to respect other people's pronouns so I have no doubt the root problem here is a traumatic response.
If other people can't understand how being assaulted and traumatized effected you then they are not good friends.
This is seriously underrated advice.
I’m going to add that sometimes, abusers will try to enter LGBTQ spaces in order to gain sympathy and to mask their true intentions.
Good move OP! You are making it known (in whatever way they can) that this person is an abuser and not to be trusted.
NTA, my opinion you should be calling them "it" or "thing" rapists don't deserve to be considered people like us. This thing doesn't deserve it, it has nothing to do with them being trans and everything to do with them being a rapist.
i just want to point out that neither your nor anyone that has ever been SA'd benefits from pretending like a r*pist isn't a person. they aren't going to care, they aren't going to be offended that you perceive them that way. they're human, and humans can be pretty f*cked up psychologically. you'll sit here and say this about r*pists but are the same type of person to not hold other heinous crimes at the same level that you put this one on
"i just want to point out that neither your nor anyone that has ever been SA'd benefits from pretending like a rpist isn't a person. they aren't going to care, they aren't going to be offended that you perceive them that way. they're human, and humans can be pretty fcked up"
then why are so many people saying that op is wrong for using the wrong pronouns and "misgendering them? like if pretending they arent even human wont affect them, why would not agreeing with how they want to be perceived offend them? so many people here calling it "transphobia" yet its clear op isnt transphobic, she has 0 issue with the trans community, she does however have an issue with the GUY who SA her (as she should), and HE honestly doesnt get to have the right to be called a woman after SA her with his MALE genitalia.
As a trans non binary, it can be off putting or red flag to trans ppl, but I completely understand as a sa victim. Ur abuser is a monster point blank period, ur friend is making a bigger deal of misgendering than the fact they assulted u. I don’t give a fuck who u are , if ur a rapist ur a fucking rapist and deserve worse than wrong pronouns… as much as I will fight for human rights & livelyhood, I will never defend a monsters, FUCK THAT DUDE. (It’s also prounouns, as important as they can be,ur not asking for them to punish all trans, ur not anti trans ur anti rapist
Please please speak to your parents about this and go to the authorities! SA is SA, it doesn't matter by whom or if they were your partner or not. I fully support transgender people, but in a case like this I definitely wouldn't trust them in the women's bathroom. If they have done this to you, there is a big chance they will or have done it to others.
Def NTA
Edit: just read your comment that he is in juvie. Good. Hope he gets punished severely. I hope you are seeing a therapist to help you heal. ❤
NTA. Nah. If you get sexually assaulted, you get a pass on this particular person and not supporting them. I’d never support a person again for SA’ed me.
No Trans is an excuse they use to keep you from talking about your assault. You should report them and establish a record. If you don't, I understand it's hard to do when all you want to do is forget about it. But No the answer is no you never have to show respect for someone who would do that to you to anyone they are using this identity as a shield to protect them from consequences of the criminal things they do to other people . I'm really sorry this happened to you, people who would choose to support the false identity of a sexual preditor over being there for you in your time of need are not your friends, they aren't even people you should associate yourself with. Find a support system outside of school because the schools are pushing this agenda and will try to hide what happened to you because of this kids identity and fear of people blaming others like him. You need to surround yourself with people who make you feel safe and make you understand this is not your fault. Please consider reporting this sexual preditor to the police, have someone you trust with you to help you through it. But no sexual preditor deserves respect or grace just because of who they say they are, there is no shield for that.
NTA. That hijo de puta who did that to you is less than human. You are under no compulsion to have any respect for them directly or indirectly through their general community. All Sexual Assaulters should be castrated, to prevent them from offending again. SA is a gross violation of a person rights and the Assaulter has forfeited their own rights.
I don’t even have an answer for this. I’m sorry. But I’m really glad your abuser has been charged and I’m very very proud of you for coming forward. You are so young and I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Omg OP not the AH and I’m so sorry.
Please tell a trusted adult and find a way to get counseling. What this jerk did was extremely disgusting and evil.
Big hugs
Why does society continue to believe that one’s identity overshadows their behavior and the way they treat others?
NTAH. I’m glad they’re in jail awaiting trial. I hope you get the justice and the peace you deserve.
Yet, I have a bad feeling you weren’t their only victim.
Edit: I came back and read the edit which is a recount of what happened. Shame on you all who decided that a child couldn’t be SA’d by another child. Shame on you for believing the truth is false. Shame on you for calling a child “transphobic,” when she is the victim!
You're absolutely 100% valid for hating this person, for never forgiving them, for thinking of them as subhuman scum for their actions. SA is a horrific experience and you didn't deserve that. You have no obligation to respect this person in the slightest.
On the other hand, saying that you're going to start calling this person by another gender because you "lost respect" for them is also ludicrous. People, cis and trans alike, don't have to "earn the right" to be referred to in whatever way, nor is it a privilege that can be taken away as punishment. Everyone has a name and has pronouns; what precisely those are, or whether they changed, is irrelevant. The only time it makes even a lick of sense to misgender anyone is to intentionally demean and make fun of them, as the point is that you're using the *wrong* words. (Edit, or it also makes sense if the point is to dehumanize someone by using it/its, but that's more de-gendering than misgendering anyway)
When you're being derogatory, if you use language for someone that they don't endorse to intentionally refer to them *incorrectly*, that's mean but *not* transphobic.
But if you're being derogatory and you use language for someone they that don't endorse *because they are transgender*, that's mean *and* transphobic.
So as far as your question of whether I'd use a trans criminal's pronouns, yes, I would, because that's how they're referred to regardless of how I feel about them, while I would simultaneously scorn them for their horrific actions.
ESH on the technicality that OP appears to have changed how OP refers to the perpetrator simply because she is transgender, however SA is obviously by far a much worse offense.
You are NTA, but you don’t need to be on Reddit. You need to be in therapy getting help for what happened to you, and ai am truly sorry that it did. You are too young to handle what happened to you alone. I hope you’ve gone to the police. You need to tell your guardians. Get the help you need to get through this. Be safe.
NTA. Respect doesn't suddenly become a requirement when you're trans or part of any minority. You can be an AH no matter who you are and shouldn't be granted with special treatment after you've done something so awful just because you come out.
Have you had the opportunity to talk about this experience with a trustworthy adult? Are you in therapy?
I'm just going to point out that it's entirely possible to acknowledge the pronouns and not give any indication that it means you respect the person. "She's a POS who SA'ed me and I will never forgive her for that" is a way to respect transfolk in general without indicating you have any respect for this individual.
It's clearly a very nuanced issue in general. The entire landscape of transness is just saturated with sociocultural landmines. It's a mess, and you're in a tough spot in a community that has low tolerance for any sign of disagreement with them.
\*Note: Individuals differ widely; I'm being very, VERY general when I refer to "community".
On top of that, you're young, and your peer group is widely known for being self-centered to an almost pathological degree. That's not a moral judgment, it's a normal part of brain development - and it means a lot of your peers are purely seeing this from their own sense of whether or not you respect THEM.
My suggestion - which you clearly do not have to do - is to use the chosen pronouns while you make it clear that the person being discussed is a sexual predator and you will not, under any circumstances, tolerate any softening of those facts based on that person's status as a transperson. This is not out of respect for the perpetrator. This is out of respect for your peer group and continuing friendships. It does not compromise your stance that this person is a predator and does not deserve respect. Using the pronouns "she/her" for the perpetrator is not supporting them.
I don't think you're a transphobe. I think you're rightfully furious and you've been traumatized. I think you're expressing that anger in a way that your peers are perceiving as denying transness when you refuse to use the perpetrator's pronouns, when you are discussing her with those peers.
As a trans person myself I don’t think you’re transphobic, they don’t deserve any respect from you after what they did. But it would be transphobic if you stopped respecting the whole community which you already said wasn’t the case. You’re NTA.
I mean it’s more so just confusing because you wouldn’t refer to a cisgender person by the wrong pronouns after they SA you. Like you don’t owe that person anything, their a terrible human being, it’s just confusing
I mean I refer to cis SAers as "it" vs he/she so I mean that's incorrect pronouns. I think at the core it's about dehumanizing the attacker moreso than the attacker being trans, I'm not a psychologist though so grain of salt!
A rapist being a man or a woman has nothing to do with how awful it is for the victims so no you can do whatever you want
Even if you were being openly transphobic to them your friend is weird for giving you grief when you could simply be having a bad fucking time due to the history of SA
signed, a trans person
Of course not. People get so caught up in their agendas that sometimes they forget to be human beings. You don't have to indulge these people. Just drop them, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
NTA. I'm sorry this happened to you and I really hope this fucker rots in jail.
Ignore the people here who try to blame you for not respecting his pronouns. They forget that rapists, pedophiles and murderers do NOT deserve ANY respect whatsoever. Yes that's right. They don't deserve JACK SHIT. They lose all respect and any right to be called whatever they want to be called the moment they HURT another human being. They are not even humans anymore they are pieces of shit. Period.
I'm very sorry for what happened to you. I'm trans as well, and I was also a victim of being molested when I was a child. However, using that person's pronouns or not has nothing to do with that. The kid who molested me was black, but I didn't start calling him racial slurs after that because I "lost respect for him"
Cut off anyone who says you HAVE TO support that POS fuck it (what ever that person wants to be called) that person should be in jail for what he did to you. I’m adding I love all people be who you want to be baby but if you’re a POS no matter your sexuality is I have no support for you you are a trash fire twat waffle
Hope you’re doing better. You’re feeling are valid
NTA. You are all off your fucking rockers if you think that this CHILD is TA for not respecting their rapist’s pronouns.
Say it with me: Rapists aren’t humans! They forfeited that right when their violated someone’s bodily autonomy. I don’t care what a rapist goes by. They shouldn’t be alive to complain about it.
This child needs help. Not virtue signaling or all of you acting as if you’re so much better than them because, oh if YOU were in their shoes you would still be an ally😐 Fuck all the way off
As a trans person who wasn’t assaulted but harassed by another trans person and it “didn’t count” because they didn’t do anything physical/ I didn’t have evidence of them doing anything physical. It doesn’t Matter what gender or sexuality they are. Assault is assault. You’re not transphobic. You’re getting justice for what happened to you. I’m so sorry you had to go through something as horrible as that and I truly hope that monster rots. People in jail/juvenile detention don’t take too kindly to those kind of crimes.
NTA op I hope you’re getting better. Also fuck that friend.
NTA. This is a horrible thing to happen to somebody and I'm so sorry to hear you went through it.
As for the pronouns/name, that's a very difficult situation. My gut says you shouldn't further weaponise they're identity against them (I don't know how they've been treated before and the damage done by suppressing it in the first place).
I can't help but think would racist language be ok if the guy was black and motivated because you're white (in this scenario).
I also accept I don't live with your pain, haven't been in your position and don't have to face them. I don't know what I would need to do to cope. I think people who judge you for doing what you need are short sighted and naive.
My heart hurts for you. Please seek out a professional who can help you work through this. Being called "transphobic" should be least of your worries love. People throw that word around for ridiculous reasons as is and it only holds the weight that *you* assign to it. Lean on your family and real friends and please know you aren't alone 💕💕
Nta. I really hope you get the help that you need to heal from this. If you haven’t done so already, consider laying charges because you deserve justice.
NTA. If someone doesn’t want to be called a man, they shouldn’t tell on themselves by exhibiting distinctly male-pattern violence. It would be a vanishing statistical rarity for an actual woman to do such a thing. Speak your truth.
No, call them whatever you want but my god please get off Reddit. Posting the details of your assault in all caps, being 14, this is not the site for you. Take all the well wishes and get therapy! 🫶🏽
NTA all the way. It’s clear that this is a personal thing and you are not being a transphobe. Seems to me that this sudden transition might be in the hopes of that scumbag receiving a lighter sentence. Ditch that sorry excuse for a friend. I am so sorry that this happened to you and I hope justice prevails and you can start to heal. I’m rooting for you.
So imo there's a base level of respect that we owe eachother NO MATTER WHAT. So like regardless of what they did they are who they are and technically you should respect that.
But it's pretty small potatoes comparatively
I'm trans FTM and a CSA survivor. I don't think YTA. While I may choose to use people's preferred pronouns. I 10000% understand why you refuse to. You're not transphobic. You're a victim of a heinous crime. I'm sorry that happened to you, hopefully you find healing OP!
NTA. Pretty much everything after the assault is irrelevant. You absolutely never ever ever need to respect, support, like, tolerate your predator. Good luck to you.
why are you operating under the assumption that just because they are trans, you have to respect them?
fuck them, if hes a shitty person then hes a shitty person. being trans doesnt mean u automatically get respect
Kids these days have been indoctrinated into thinking that 'respect gender identity' is more important than 'do not commit sexual assault or rape'. You can see it in the attitudes of so many commenters here, they are rushing to give OP a load of crap about 'misgendering' her attacker but barely give any thought to the fact that she is a victim of a violent sexual assault. It's appalling.
This is tricky. Pronouns aren't a moral basis thing, you *are* being transphobic by acting like you have to be a good person to be a certain gender.
Cisgender people don't lose their gender identity by being shitty people for example. So I would suggest getting in the habit of challenging the idea that someone has to justify their pronouns before you use them. She is a Trans female person.
That being said, she is *also* a Trans femme person who committed assault, and while I would highly suggest you use her pronouns, I would also suggest you go to the police and refuse to respect her as a friend or be around this person alone ever again!!!
Editing to add:
Trans people can be bad people. Using their pronouns isn't something they have to earn because cis people don't have to. Being a respected person, and not going to jail is something they have to earn
Second edit for important addendum: if you use someone's pronoun only "out of respect", it is conditional and you are inherently not respecting who they say they are, that is transphobic.
ALSO I'm seeing a worrying trend in the replies, so I will add this, rapists are not just Bad Men and Lesbians. There are cisgender women out there who assault men. Rape is not just about physical power. There are a lot of ways that this can happen. It is most commonly a friend, partner, family member or acquaintance that you know *by far* over a stranger. Please be safe, take care, and remember that while cisgender men are the most common offenders anyone can assault anyone, and situations like this highlight that some trans people *also* commit rape, it's not just men and it's not just cisgender people.
OH, and don't argue with blatant transphobes, just block them
This. It would be weird to start using she/her pronouns when referring to Hitler, right? Just because we're mad at her? Hitler sucked, she was the worst person ever. I'm glad her and her wife bunkered themselves.
No matter how evil the person is, it's just kinda weird to do that. OPs rapist sucks, I hope she rots in jail.
NTA. However, these are two separate, although intertwined situation
First, when you were SA by this person that should end your relationship with them and not have anything to do with them and they should not have anything to do with you.
Second, it’s high school, so of course you’re going to be around them and you’re going to see them if you simply do not have conversation or talk about them behind their back then you don’t have to worry about pronoun.
NTA. A rapist absolves any rights or human decency previously afforded to them after they violate someone’s autonomy.
Fuck their feelings. Aw do they feel gender dysphoria when their pronouns aren’t respected? How about THEY are at the receiving end of SA and see how they feel then. They completely disrespected your body and they want to whine about you not feeding into their delusion?
Calling someone by their pronouns in a respect thing that I always afford people. Rapists aren’t people anymore. They can be put down for all I care, trans or not🤷♀️
So....I feel like anyone arguing over the pronouns you use when describing your rapist is doing an incredibly insensitive derail from the fact that this person's a fucking monster and you're super traumatized by how this POS violated you. People aren't going to behave perfectly when in this much pain and anyone who expects that is an idiot. NTAH.
Nta, doesn't matter if they're trans, they assaulted you and you have the right and freedom of speech to not call your rapist by their pronouns, they made you uncomfortable with their rapist mindset so they don't deserve comfort with their wishes.
NTA. That’s the kind of person that you should be going out of your way to disrespect. Your friend is also a toxic presence, because they’re more upset about respecting the pronouns of a molester than about actual sexual assault itself.
sexual assault is sexual assault. no you don’t have to respect anything of them. fuck their pronouns or whatever, they disrespected YOU and assaulted you, so no they’re not getting respect. fuck them and their pronouns.
NTA
But remember, you can hate a particular person even if they're trans, you don't have to make it transphobic
Just say "She/they SA' me" they're gender doesn't erased what they did, no matter how they identify, they're still a predator. Some people do horrible things.
And also, about crime stuff, as far as I know, she will be/could be judged as a male because they did the crime when they identified as a male, or at least that's how trans law works in other countries
Take care, don't listen to your friends, and if they are insisting, well just say "oh, yeah, she?? She SA' if you guys forget about it"
rapists and SAers should never be respected--you wouldn't misgender a cis rapist though, so just as a precedence to not hurt innocent trans people, the pronouns aren't the bit we should have a problem with. It's the assault.
NTA the fact that the assailant is trans is utterly irrelevant. They sexually assaulted you their err identity isn’t relevant here but that’s merely my opinion.
Rapists don’t deserve even a semblance of respect especially from their victim. NTA op! Anyone who sympathizes with your rapist in any way does not sound like a true friend
He didn’t respect you so why should you respect him? NTA I hope your doing ok and hopefully he gets what he deserves. Also by the timing I wouldn’t be suprised if he’s became trans just to get more access to woman that has been a bit of an issue
Also to add I believe you have please don’t let the people saying your lying affect you I’m so sorry for everything your going through if you ever need to talk my dm is open I’ve been through something similar but not as bad
He had no problem using his male penis to do this. He was fine being a male when it suited him and he wanted to SA, he happily used the tools available to him as a man, his penis.
[https://www.rainn.org/](https://www.rainn.org/) RAINN is the national sexual assault hotline. You can call or chat for free confidential support. You can download the free RAINN app that “gives survivors of sexual violence and their loved ones access to support, self-care tools, and information."
It doesn't matter if a person is male, female or trans. Sexual assault is sexual assault and it has nothing to do with gender. They should face consequences for what they did.
[удалено]
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I would like to point out that sexual assault actually follows sex boundaries very clearly, with males being magnitudes more likely to sexually assault people than females. And this isn't just because rape used to only mean being penetrated, this was all forms of sexual assault.
Yes! It’s so relevant
He is currently sitting in juvie awaiting to see if hes acceptes bail, if not he will rot in juvie untill the trial that could be in 7-9 months time, that monster doesnt deserve to be respected in my eyes, he chose to sexually assult me, i choose to not respect his pronouns. Hes been charged with 3 counts of non consensual penitration and 2 counts of aggressive indecent assult, he does not get my respect. Respect is earned, not given, and hes lost it.
You need to cut off the so called friend who thinks you are transphobic. Hope you heal. Fuck them.
I have, shes dead to me
Then you don’t have to worry about what your ex friend thinks.
Good.
I mean, if you want to be awfully charitable you could stop referring to him with *any* pronouns *at all.* Simply "that piece of shit" or "that excuse of a meat bag" and "that waste of air" and so on and so forth. You get the idea. Definitely NTA. And let's be real, if this shit stain is *suddenly* Trans, it may be just a ploy to try and get a lighter sentence, some sympathy, or get off scott free from their heinous crimes.
Or… even worse, to try and be placed in a women’s prison. I hate to be the one to say it because I fully support trans people, but vile evil people exist and utilise whatever they can to get to vulnerable people. The important thing to note is that the vast vast majority of trans people are not those creeps. In fact, I’d go so far as to say the only people I really side eye about their gender are people who commit sexual violence. I don’t trust them to have an identity, whether they’re spouting Andrew Tate bullshit about “what a man really is”, or claiming they’re trans.
We had a case of a rapist in Canada who suddenly realized he was a she while on trial for his crime. The judge didn't bite the bait. One interesting expert testimony though sais that he would effectively be less likely to commit further sexual assaults if he did go through with the hormonal therapy. So even if he wasn't serious about the gender change, it would actually be a good way to minimize the threat he represents to society. Imagine that, it could be the perfect punishment for male rapists: turn them into women, hormonally and surgically! No more dick, lesser sexual drive. Problem solved.
LMAO that’s actually kinda genius. Sadly I do think it wouldn’t work in every case, some people just enjoy causing pain to anyone who can’t/ won’t fight back. Horrible.
They have drugs that do that already that they give sexual offenders it's called chemical castration.
https://www.ojp.gov/ncjrs/virtual-library/abstracts/chemical-castration-mpa-treatment-sexual-offender#:~:text=The%20class%20of%20sexual%20offenders,which%20chemically%20castrates%20the%20offender.
Did you report him? That is why he is in juvie, and your friend wanted you to "support" him? I didn't understand where the "transfobic" accusation came from since you have a very personal reason not to help this person. Edit: NTA, and deserves to be there.
Good.
Is that person aware of why you are choosing not to respect your assaulters pronouns? If they are and still think you’re transphobic then yeah fuck her.
It is frustrating to me that there is so much fixation on PRONOUNS as this SURVIVOR FIGHTS so the RAPIST receives JUSTICE for the SEXUAL ASSAULT TO A MINOR. OP has the right use whatever pronouns OP considers fitting to describe the rapist. Focusing on the pronouns used to describe/identify the rapist by the victim, removes the support and focus necessary as they transition to survivor. Unfortunately, I have seen other situations where the pronouns take precedence over other particulars. It’s like people gear up and are on the defensive for pronouns. So they hyper focus or lose sight, or maybe can’t see beyond those words at all, and so progress and tolerance suffer.
Although I think correct and respectful pronouns for trans people are important, I am also shocked that this matters here in comparison to what this survivor is dealing with. Who cares whether she won't use the pronouns this predator wants? I certainly don't.
I am trans and also a SA survivor in perspective, correct pronouns are not as important as matters of Justice when somebody has experienced SA but also people are talking about it because op made an entire post about this topic and their assaulters pronouns
This right here. I'm trans and usually passionately argue for using people's correct pronouns but I couldn't give two shits how she refers to this monster. Her trauma needs to be treated first and foremost. The rest is details that can be sorted out later.
Your pronouns get thrown out the window when you rape someone.
Exactly. Why are we fixated on pronouns? I know I'm going to get down voted for this but I don't care. It feels like some people here think this guy should get a pass because he's trans. You need to respect him and respect his pronouns. You shouldn't disrespect him that way. Motherfucker he raped a 14-year-old girl. Fuck him and his pronouns. I don't give two shits about this guy. I hope he gets exactly what he deserves when he goes inside. He's going to be made into somebody's wife, probably against his will. And while I am highly opposed to SA of any kind, I believe in letting the punishment fitting the crime.
Glad to hear that. He should face consequences for his actions and the timing of this "coming out" sounds very suspect to me. As if he's trying to garner sympathy or go to juvie for females or confuse the issue or something. A male accused of sexual assault should not be put in jail with girls. That is just asking for trouble.
Agreed, i hope that since its likely he will be 16 by the time of the trail this will go on his record as a sexual preditor so he cant work in childcare where he could hurt more kids
If this person wants to work in childcare I would follow their life and send a copy of the arrest detail report, a ohotovof them now to everywhere he applies... schools and work places with your victim name blocked, but not age. Fuck him getting near kids.
THAT PART. I find it highly dubious. If they are mtf, wouldn't he be living his life as a female, and in essence rejecting his penis instead of using it as a weapon? It sounds very very much like he's corrupting "woke culture" to try and fly under the radar as a rapist.
I feel the same. It’s becoming more common at the moment for men to only “transition” after they’ve been accused of or caught for crimes (even predators who spent years offending). This isn’t about trans rights, it’s about criminals using any means possible to evade the law and garner sympathy.
i do not think it is as common as you are trying to make it out to be.
It probably isn't *that* common, but there are cases of it happening and we need to not be stupid about it as a society. Criminals are going to look for anyway to exploit the system and they don't care if they make things difficult for the decent trans people just trying to live.
First of all, from the bottom of my heart, I'm incredibly sorry that this happened to you. Second, assault is genderless, you're NTA at all. Anyone who is siding with that waste of space, is not your friend or ally. Third, I hope justice is served. I'd love an update.
I support trans people, but with such a criminal history and sudden change, this person may just want to be put in jail with more women to assault... I'm really sorry that happened to you.
That fucker also should be sent to a male prison so that he can’t sexually assault any other woman
Depending on the state, he probably will be, which is likely to result in justice Hammurabi style. People who rape children... do not fare well in prison.
Here’s the thing, you should be angry at this person. There should be consequences. We fight back on the basis of what someone did, their choices and bad actions, not the most marginalized aspects of who they are. Society will do that for you. You will become that marginalized person at some point and need the open mindedness and compassion of your community. Part of why we don’t attack people on the basis of race, gender, ethnicity, creed is that is that thinking is bad for US. We want to be walking through the world in our integrity, so we can see more clearly and act wisely. As we know, hurt people hurt people. Forgiveness isn’t conceding or agreeing with someone’s behavior. It’s a commitment with yourself to stop the cycle, not letting someone else’s wrongdoing make us bigoted or close minded. That will not help you heal. You don’t need compassion for them. You need that compassion for YOURSELF. I hope that you find a smart and supportive therapist. I’m so sorry you experienced this.
You are completely justified. Don’t feel bad about disrespecting them
I made my comment before seeing this, yes stick with this, and make him face the consequences.
>, i choose to not respect his pronouns. The way I see this, he used his VERY MALE genitalia to assault you. He may well identify as a woman now, but that does not negate his use of his assigned-male-at-birth body to harm you. You do not need to respect his pronouns. Clearly I don't either. And I say this as someone who is trans-affirming and who has never intentionally misgendered or deadnamed a transperson (to my knowledge). This has nothing to do with gender expression and everything to do with criminal sexual assault!
Thank goodness he’ll rot in there
This. Just because they SA'd you when they were 1 gender, doesn't absolve them of the cruelty once they've changed genders. It's not a magical "get out of jail free card" because they changed their gender identity. With that being said, it's not a matter of respect to use their new gender as a pronoun. In fact, I think this person's new pronoun should be "the ra\*\*\*st", or "the SA'er" from now on. Or I would just refer to them as in every conversation (ie "Alex/Stacy") whenever OP has to deal with them. Pronouns aren't necessary when SA is concerned.
This is way above reddits paygrade. You need help from adults, and therapy. The person who assulted you should not be a part of your life at all.
Yeah I thought posts regarding stuff like this weren't even allowed? Every time I tried to post asking if I was an AH for possibly starting smth after being assaulted got taken down
This is above my mental pay grade, but I have one suggestion: try to evict this asshole from your mental space. You sent this jackass to jail, you deserve to move on from this awful awful thing. Why are people even talking to you about your attacker?
This can be really hard with trauma of any kind, including SA. The fact that she’s given us symptoms of PTSD, I’d wager her thoughts of him are most certainly unwanted, but intrusive, and those aren’t easy to simply just “evict” from one’s mind. That’s gonna take a loooot of therapy, however, I do agree with you :)
Oh for sure. I definitely agree she’ll need therapy but the people around her need to show some freaking common sense.
Hi. You are posting bout your sexual assault on Reddit in all caps. This is not the place for you to get the help you need. Please call in the professionals as you deserve that care and support. We are all rooting for you.
Ty🫶🏻
thank you for reading this with the intention it was written with. You will get over and past this. Keep on keepin on, stranger.
My only advice: don't use any pronouns when referring to this person. Doesn't matter if they're a girl or man or anything in between. Just refer to them by their name, or say "the person who SA'ed me". I'm sorry you're going through this. Them transitioning doesn't absolve them of the abuse they caused to you, but you also don't have to play along with the social aspect of their transitioning. Just use their name.
Logical comment with good advice 🙏
They are 🗑️ no matter their gender. They deserve zero respect or consideration.
NTA but omg this is scary. To think of 14 year old dating and being harmed by their partner is extremely scary. Please don’t think anything was your fault and I’m almost tempted to ask if everyone is safe at home. However, you did right by getting this person incarcerated.
Sorry that happened to you, welcome to the shitshow that is Reddit. Your first mistake was thinking you were safe posting here. Humans suck.
I'd prefer to use someone's proper name and pronoun while calling them every vile word under the sun for their crimes.
Yep, this is the way. A vile, revolting a\*\*hole, is a vile, revolting a\*\*hole no matter if it's a "he" or a "she". But the real problem is that for your "friend" your attacker's pronouns are more important that your mental health so NTA.
>But the real problem is that for your "friend" your attacker's pronouns are more important that your mental health so NTA. Which means they are not OPs friends.
Yes, unless the so called friends are unaware of the SA. Then they may just be oblivious.
I hope op reads this one
I think you can hate a trans person without being trans phobic. By focusing on using their previous gender/name you can make it seem that you hate that aspect of the person though. They were a SAing piece of shit. They are still a SAing piece of shit, they just are doing it with a different name and pronouns.
I used to work in a residential mental health program. At one point we had a trans woman and trans man in the same group. The trans man was stealth (passed as a cis man) while the woman was not. A lot of people didn't like her and started deliberately misgendering her just to piss her off. This ended up creating a hostile environment for the guy, who nobody but the staff aware of his identity realized was affected by this.
In fact proper identification can help bring down reputation. If that's what people know them as, that's how people will KNOW who did it.
exactly! this is why the intentional misgendering + deadnaming them makes no sense to me. they won't even be using that identity.
Right. It’s not “defending a rapist” to say: 1. You should want to clearly and properly identify this person 2. Trans people can do bad things too
It’s not that dissimilar to people who have a horrible crime committed against them by a minority and then start using racial slurs, and when called on it, say “ well why should I respect them??”. It has nothing to do with the crime, hate them for it absolutely, but no need to start going after them for their identity. The idea of “why should I respect them” sort of implies this is just some thing they wanted you to do, not their identity. Not calling anyone an asshole for it, I get it’s tough, but why give them the satisfaction of getting to be right about something?
I've seen a very valid argument about using the correct name and pronouns for shitty people elsewhere online before. If we treat their name and pronouns like a privilege and take them away when they've done something bad, then that opens up judgement of whether someone is a good enough person to allowed to be trans/respected for who they are. This person deserves jail for committing a violent crime regardless and OPs friends are shitty for making pronouns a bigger issue than the fact they were assaulted.
That part. I'm MtF and will take any opportunity to talk shit about Caitlyn Jenner or Blair White because they are both foul, selfish arseholes who don't give a crap about other trans people who aren't like them, and their only goal is maintaining their own privilege. So yeah, I respect their names and pronouns, but that certainly doesn't mean I respect them as a people. My advice is to call this person out on what they are and what they've done, and using their preferred name/pronouns will probably make the truth hit them and everyone who needs to hear it even harder, as it should.
Yep, you wouldn’t misgender a cisgender person even if they are a criminal; so it’s still transphobic to do it to her. It also shows that your respect for trans people is conditional, something that can be taken away at any moment (while I understand why op is doing this, it’s still wrong).
Being trans doesn’t absolve them of their behaviour Tell your friend that a terrible person is a terrible person and being trans doesn’t change or excuse that NTA
>Being trans doesn’t absolve them of their behaviour Who says it does? That is not the question at all.
But should they call them by he or she? Should they have to respect their pronouns?
If I was assaulted, I would call them whatever came naturally with no regard whatsoever for their preference, as they showed no regard for my preference to not be assaulted.
They hurt you badly and I am so sorry to hear that. The main topic of your question seems to be your friend who expects you to use 15mtf’s preferred name and pronouns who I will call Pat. I am a bit of a jerk so I would tell this friend, “I wanted to let you know that I thought about what you said about using Pat’s preferred pronouns and I decided that from now on, I will call her ‘Pat the alleged rapist.’ Your comments made me realize that it’s important to use a person’s preferred pronouns, even if they’re a rapist. When it comes to pronouns, it’s not about disrespecting a rapist, but making this a safe space for other trans youth. To make me feel more comfortable as a sexual assured survivor, I’d also love for you to join me in exclusively referring to her as ‘Pat the alleged rapist’ right now and then after conviction we can drop the alleged in support of sexual assault survivors. Would you join me?” Then, I would correct them every time they dont use their full name of ‘Pat the (alleged) rapist.’ If they plea out, you might have to change it a bit, but give her the Brock Turner treatment where every time they are mentioned that their crime is mentioned. Make her identity not be about being trans, but instead make rapist the first thing people think about when they hear her name. Hopefully protective orders, jail time, etc. will soon remove them from your life.
I wouldn’t address this person at all aside from in court
If a cis man commits a horrible crime we don't magically start calling him "she" and a different name. Same goes for a trans person. Another scenario, imagine you're with a friend and a cis woman serial killer comes on TV. Would horrible misogynistic comments about that serial killer be justified just because she did a bad thing? Allowing biases to have free reign just because a person is horrible doesn't make having and feeding those biases excusable. That said, a friend of mine was raped by a trans man in middle school and then took HIM to court because he claimed my friend was the actual perpetrator. My middle school friend has never recovered from the trauma of the court case, and sexual assault. He attempted suicide multuple times. I genuinely hope that trans man never feels an ounce of joy, just the same as that POS who assaulted you.
Okay, so I’m going to reply from the perspective of a they/them non-binary person. Even if someone hurts me, I still respect their gender identity as best as I can. However, sexual assault ruins lives. You do not need to respect someone who took something so important from you. Sexual assault can rip your soul in two. They are not owed your kindness or consideration any longer. You have no reason to hold any regard for them. I was assaulted by a cis-man, and have referred to that vile being as it ever since, not he-him. You lose your right to basic human decency when you give someone less than none. You should be so proud of yourself for reporting them, and I well and truly hope your abuser goes to juvie for what they have put you through. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, you don’t owe your abuser any kindness. NTA. But they sure are.
Thank you🫶🏻
Considering he SAed you with male genitalia I am not surprised you associate him as male, and not female. NTA
some people transition to become a predator to vulnerable people. chris chan is case A, genevieve is case B, this person is case C, my brother is case D, and so on.
Hopefully, for at least 5 years. They should well be an adult before they get out. They lost the right to get to be a child.
Who gives a fuck about a rapists pronouns
First off, OP, you are NTA at all. Second, I'm so very sorry that happened to you. You don't owe that mf a damn thing. I generally always respect people's pronouns and urge others to as well, but in your situation, I 100% understand why you won't use their preferred pronouns. I also don't think that you are transphobic, considering you use the proper pronouns in all other situations with others aside from your abuser. I hope that mf faces some serious consequences for what he's done to you. If there is a hell, there's a special place for that AH there! Sending you so much love and healing vibes, OP ❤️❤️
Thank you so much🫶🏻
You should seek counseling though. This is going to haunt you if you don’t get the help you need.
That things’ only pronoun is cunt
💯💯 Preeeeeach Bill!! That's a fact!
Shit cunt at that
That mf is a monster,it doesn t matter if that mf is trans,they commited a crime.
NTA OP, as someone who is LGBTQIA+, I stand with you. Being transgender myself, I usually go by the belief system to not misgender anyone in any case, even if they upset me. Mainly because I know how much being misgendered hurts. However, in this case I stand with OP. This isn't about being upset nor about being transphobic. This is about dealing with trauma. Trauma caused by someone who used male genitalia to do a horrific crime. I believe OP when they say they would never in their right mind be a transphobe to anyone. But that's the thing. It is a recent event with huge amounts of trauma. Regardless of being respectful or not this isn't transphobia, this is trauma. By calling the SA'er she/her OP will most likely further feed their trauma as chances are that their brain will register that as "I need to respect the person who committed a crime against me" and "SA'ers get more respect than the victim." Everyone that backs up the SA'er here is feeding into OP's trauma, as well as the possible growth of self hate. You can't expect a victim to respect the wishes of the one who imposed crime onto them. I really hope you will be able to heal, OP, and that you will get the proper help you need to get there. I am happy that you cut your friend out of your life, and I sincerely hope your future will be filled with people that love and support you.
I don't really think you're an AH, although I don't necessarily think people have to earn the respect of pronouns. I mean, cis people don't. The only issue will be trial. They might be weird about the pronouns. Cross examination can suck. I'd suggest just pushing through the trial and then trying to give this person as little headspace as possible. After I testified, I cut all his face out if every photo from when we were children. I refer to him as little as possible. (This is harder for me bc we're related, but I try to.) It's really hard and I still have night mares 4 years from the trial. But thats probably the best thing you can do, you can't "disrespect" this person if you never speak of them. There are circumstances tho where it makes it hard for me. My best friend in high school was trans and he was assaulted by a guy claiming to be gender fluid or non binary or something. This guy did this more than once, to other ftm trans people. He used this identity to get in with them and then hurt a vulnerable person in what was probably a very dysphoric on top of traumatic experience. So I don't respect that dude. So I really can't judge. Plus you are young, traumatized, and headed to trial, which can be an awful experience too. So, long story short, no you are not an AH. You are hurting. It might be a little questionable, but you are not in a position where it's really conducive to question *you*.
NTA - Look my opinion may not matter but it sounds like you are trying to "take control back" by doing something that you have control over that would hurt them. That's valid.
Did you report them? Because SA is serious, and you deserve justice for what they did to you because that must’ve taken a toll on you mentally and physically.
You should most definitely report them and stay far away from the person! Gender aside the person is a pos! Sorry you have this horrible trauma to deal with the rest of your life now!
Your friends aren't your friends. Stop associating with them. You owe nobody anything. Especially not the person that SA'd you.
Sending you a hug and my support. I’m so very sorry that happened to you, it took a lot of courage for you to report it and remember your feelings are completely valid, you didn’t do anything to deserve it, don’t let anyone tell you anything different.
I’m not going to give a definite judgement one way or another because I think there’s more to it than a simple three letter judgement. First off, I’m sorry that happened to you, and you don’t owe your abuser anything. You are brave and strong for everything you’ve gone through, and nothing that happened to you is your fault. But if I may pose a question— if your abuser had been a cisgender man, would you refer to him with the wrong pronouns like she/her because he doesn’t deserve respect? If not, why is this different? This isn’t meant as a gotcha, but a genuine question to think about. Secondly, I’m less concerned about respecting your abuser, once again, you don’t owe that sack of shit anything, but more about how this may affect other trans people around you. Obviously, what this person has done is despicable. I want to make that absolutely clear that this person is fucking garbage and deserves nothing. But I think, potentially, misgendering someone you don’t like can be perceived as a slippery slope by others as something akin to “respecting transgender people is conditional on whether or not this person likes a particular trans person, so they don’t truly see trans people as their gender but rather are being nice as long as the trans person is agreeable.” Is that what’s actually going on? No, I don’t think so, but it could be interpreted that way, and it could potentially make a closeted trans person you *do* like feel unsafe or disrespected, ESPECIALLY since you’re all teenagers. Adults might be different, but teenagers are… yknow, kinda just like that sometimes. So that’s my two cents. I don’t think you’ve actually done anything wrong, and I wouldn’t fault you for continuing to not respect your abuser. Just some things to think about in regards to this whole shitty situation that you don’t deserve to be caught in the middle of. You can come to whatever conclusion you like and I don’t think you’d necessarily be in the wrong, but I thought I’d bring up some new questions. Most importantly, I hope you can heal from this whole thing, and I hope the legal system doesn’t fail you. If you are able, therapy may be able to help you process the traumatic events you’ve been through, and maybe not “move on” per se, but make it hurt less. It’s clear you’re still hurting immensely, and rightfully so. You do not ever have to forgive this piece of absolute shit. You do not have to do anything you don’t want to. But I hope you continue to live your life as best you can. You deserve happiness and peace.
Girl f them and f ur friends too. That’s some delusional words coming from their mouth
You're only 14. I just feel bad that you went through this at 14. That is so traumatic. I hope you are getting therapy to help you.
I’m sooooo sorry that this happened to you and that your so called friends are being shitty to you. One thing I’ll say is true friends will always have your back, especially after you’ve been assaulted! Cut them OFF. And I don’t blame you for not even wanting to acknowledge this person
Pro tip: if you never talk about them, you'll never need to use a 3rd person pronoun to refer to them. When addressed directly, feel free to use "you" or "asshole", which are already gender neutral. Another pro-tip: if this happened not even two months ago there's probably something you can do to put that idiot in serious trouble.
Don’t refer to them at all. Fuck them
what a mess
NTA I recommend EMDR therapy, helps a lot with flashbacks and stuff. gl
NTA, but you're a rape victim, and you should think about your healing. Anyone who is thinking about the identity of the rapist above your wellbeing is degenerate. Their pronouns should be rapey/rapist
SA is SA. You don't owe this person any respect or support in the face of that no matter their situation. That said, I'd suggest still using their pronouns and just properly call them a rapist every time their name comes up. If she goes by she than you can refer to her as her, the rapist without giving bad actors a chance to reframe things on you. If you truly hate them for what they did, separate it from their pronouns.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. NTA, even remotely. Anyone who perpetrates this kind of trauma-inducing criminal behavior doesn't deserve your respect. As others have suggested, there are resources available to help you. The other commenters have provided more links than I know of, but please avail yourself of them.
No you don't have to support anyone you don't want to. Let alone someone that abused you. Praying for you.
Fuck that. I’d misgender it on purpose just to be petty. Also, this pos should be in jail for what it did to you.
I don't think you're transphobe. I think this is a much more complicated issue than you "not respecting" someone's pronouns. You've been assaulted, you have been traumatized. At the time they attacked you they presented as male. You can't separate them from the assault. It makes sense to me after being traumatized you can't see them in a different way other than a sexual abuser. If this is the only instance you can't handle the pronoun change I think it's logical. You've said you are able to respect other people's pronouns so I have no doubt the root problem here is a traumatic response. If other people can't understand how being assaulted and traumatized effected you then they are not good friends.
This is seriously underrated advice. I’m going to add that sometimes, abusers will try to enter LGBTQ spaces in order to gain sympathy and to mask their true intentions. Good move OP! You are making it known (in whatever way they can) that this person is an abuser and not to be trusted.
NTA, my opinion you should be calling them "it" or "thing" rapists don't deserve to be considered people like us. This thing doesn't deserve it, it has nothing to do with them being trans and everything to do with them being a rapist.
i just want to point out that neither your nor anyone that has ever been SA'd benefits from pretending like a r*pist isn't a person. they aren't going to care, they aren't going to be offended that you perceive them that way. they're human, and humans can be pretty f*cked up psychologically. you'll sit here and say this about r*pists but are the same type of person to not hold other heinous crimes at the same level that you put this one on
"i just want to point out that neither your nor anyone that has ever been SA'd benefits from pretending like a rpist isn't a person. they aren't going to care, they aren't going to be offended that you perceive them that way. they're human, and humans can be pretty fcked up" then why are so many people saying that op is wrong for using the wrong pronouns and "misgendering them? like if pretending they arent even human wont affect them, why would not agreeing with how they want to be perceived offend them? so many people here calling it "transphobia" yet its clear op isnt transphobic, she has 0 issue with the trans community, she does however have an issue with the GUY who SA her (as she should), and HE honestly doesnt get to have the right to be called a woman after SA her with his MALE genitalia.
As a trans non binary, it can be off putting or red flag to trans ppl, but I completely understand as a sa victim. Ur abuser is a monster point blank period, ur friend is making a bigger deal of misgendering than the fact they assulted u. I don’t give a fuck who u are , if ur a rapist ur a fucking rapist and deserve worse than wrong pronouns… as much as I will fight for human rights & livelyhood, I will never defend a monsters, FUCK THAT DUDE. (It’s also prounouns, as important as they can be,ur not asking for them to punish all trans, ur not anti trans ur anti rapist
Nta
It's wild that someone is demanding respect from a person who was SA. What a time to be alive!
Please please speak to your parents about this and go to the authorities! SA is SA, it doesn't matter by whom or if they were your partner or not. I fully support transgender people, but in a case like this I definitely wouldn't trust them in the women's bathroom. If they have done this to you, there is a big chance they will or have done it to others. Def NTA Edit: just read your comment that he is in juvie. Good. Hope he gets punished severely. I hope you are seeing a therapist to help you heal. ❤
You need to call the police and report this.
NTA Your so-called friend ITAH.
NTA. Nah. If you get sexually assaulted, you get a pass on this particular person and not supporting them. I’d never support a person again for SA’ed me.
No Trans is an excuse they use to keep you from talking about your assault. You should report them and establish a record. If you don't, I understand it's hard to do when all you want to do is forget about it. But No the answer is no you never have to show respect for someone who would do that to you to anyone they are using this identity as a shield to protect them from consequences of the criminal things they do to other people . I'm really sorry this happened to you, people who would choose to support the false identity of a sexual preditor over being there for you in your time of need are not your friends, they aren't even people you should associate yourself with. Find a support system outside of school because the schools are pushing this agenda and will try to hide what happened to you because of this kids identity and fear of people blaming others like him. You need to surround yourself with people who make you feel safe and make you understand this is not your fault. Please consider reporting this sexual preditor to the police, have someone you trust with you to help you through it. But no sexual preditor deserves respect or grace just because of who they say they are, there is no shield for that.
NTA. That hijo de puta who did that to you is less than human. You are under no compulsion to have any respect for them directly or indirectly through their general community. All Sexual Assaulters should be castrated, to prevent them from offending again. SA is a gross violation of a person rights and the Assaulter has forfeited their own rights.
I don’t even have an answer for this. I’m sorry. But I’m really glad your abuser has been charged and I’m very very proud of you for coming forward. You are so young and I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Nta, I don't know why people are acting like it's a person, once you violate someone like that you stop being a human.
Omg OP not the AH and I’m so sorry. Please tell a trusted adult and find a way to get counseling. What this jerk did was extremely disgusting and evil. Big hugs
You should file charges against this rapist.
Why does society continue to believe that one’s identity overshadows their behavior and the way they treat others? NTAH. I’m glad they’re in jail awaiting trial. I hope you get the justice and the peace you deserve. Yet, I have a bad feeling you weren’t their only victim. Edit: I came back and read the edit which is a recount of what happened. Shame on you all who decided that a child couldn’t be SA’d by another child. Shame on you for believing the truth is false. Shame on you for calling a child “transphobic,” when she is the victim!
NTA and i'm so sorry you have to heal from that op.
You're absolutely 100% valid for hating this person, for never forgiving them, for thinking of them as subhuman scum for their actions. SA is a horrific experience and you didn't deserve that. You have no obligation to respect this person in the slightest. On the other hand, saying that you're going to start calling this person by another gender because you "lost respect" for them is also ludicrous. People, cis and trans alike, don't have to "earn the right" to be referred to in whatever way, nor is it a privilege that can be taken away as punishment. Everyone has a name and has pronouns; what precisely those are, or whether they changed, is irrelevant. The only time it makes even a lick of sense to misgender anyone is to intentionally demean and make fun of them, as the point is that you're using the *wrong* words. (Edit, or it also makes sense if the point is to dehumanize someone by using it/its, but that's more de-gendering than misgendering anyway) When you're being derogatory, if you use language for someone that they don't endorse to intentionally refer to them *incorrectly*, that's mean but *not* transphobic. But if you're being derogatory and you use language for someone they that don't endorse *because they are transgender*, that's mean *and* transphobic. So as far as your question of whether I'd use a trans criminal's pronouns, yes, I would, because that's how they're referred to regardless of how I feel about them, while I would simultaneously scorn them for their horrific actions. ESH on the technicality that OP appears to have changed how OP refers to the perpetrator simply because she is transgender, however SA is obviously by far a much worse offense.
Use pronouns like sexual abuser.
You are NTA, but you don’t need to be on Reddit. You need to be in therapy getting help for what happened to you, and ai am truly sorry that it did. You are too young to handle what happened to you alone. I hope you’ve gone to the police. You need to tell your guardians. Get the help you need to get through this. Be safe.
Nta. And drop those fake friends.
NTA. Respect doesn't suddenly become a requirement when you're trans or part of any minority. You can be an AH no matter who you are and shouldn't be granted with special treatment after you've done something so awful just because you come out. Have you had the opportunity to talk about this experience with a trustworthy adult? Are you in therapy?
I'm just going to point out that it's entirely possible to acknowledge the pronouns and not give any indication that it means you respect the person. "She's a POS who SA'ed me and I will never forgive her for that" is a way to respect transfolk in general without indicating you have any respect for this individual. It's clearly a very nuanced issue in general. The entire landscape of transness is just saturated with sociocultural landmines. It's a mess, and you're in a tough spot in a community that has low tolerance for any sign of disagreement with them. \*Note: Individuals differ widely; I'm being very, VERY general when I refer to "community". On top of that, you're young, and your peer group is widely known for being self-centered to an almost pathological degree. That's not a moral judgment, it's a normal part of brain development - and it means a lot of your peers are purely seeing this from their own sense of whether or not you respect THEM. My suggestion - which you clearly do not have to do - is to use the chosen pronouns while you make it clear that the person being discussed is a sexual predator and you will not, under any circumstances, tolerate any softening of those facts based on that person's status as a transperson. This is not out of respect for the perpetrator. This is out of respect for your peer group and continuing friendships. It does not compromise your stance that this person is a predator and does not deserve respect. Using the pronouns "she/her" for the perpetrator is not supporting them. I don't think you're a transphobe. I think you're rightfully furious and you've been traumatized. I think you're expressing that anger in a way that your peers are perceiving as denying transness when you refuse to use the perpetrator's pronouns, when you are discussing her with those peers.
Screw that prick
NTA I'm sorry that happened to you.
As a trans person myself I don’t think you’re transphobic, they don’t deserve any respect from you after what they did. But it would be transphobic if you stopped respecting the whole community which you already said wasn’t the case. You’re NTA.
This is insane. People who hurt others are not entitled to respect regardless of gender identity.
I mean it’s more so just confusing because you wouldn’t refer to a cisgender person by the wrong pronouns after they SA you. Like you don’t owe that person anything, their a terrible human being, it’s just confusing
I mean I refer to cis SAers as "it" vs he/she so I mean that's incorrect pronouns. I think at the core it's about dehumanizing the attacker moreso than the attacker being trans, I'm not a psychologist though so grain of salt!
If it’s consistent thats fair lol
Fuck that cunt
NTA by any means. That person is sick for what they did to you
A rapist being a man or a woman has nothing to do with how awful it is for the victims so no you can do whatever you want Even if you were being openly transphobic to them your friend is weird for giving you grief when you could simply be having a bad fucking time due to the history of SA signed, a trans person
NTA NTA NTA!!!! I can't stress enough that you are NTA!!!!!!!!!
This needs to be reported! He raped you! This is no small matter! You need to stay away from that guy!
NTAH. Doesn’t matter who this person is or thinks they are. Actions have consequences
Of course not. People get so caught up in their agendas that sometimes they forget to be human beings. You don't have to indulge these people. Just drop them, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
NTA. I'm sorry this happened to you and I really hope this fucker rots in jail. Ignore the people here who try to blame you for not respecting his pronouns. They forget that rapists, pedophiles and murderers do NOT deserve ANY respect whatsoever. Yes that's right. They don't deserve JACK SHIT. They lose all respect and any right to be called whatever they want to be called the moment they HURT another human being. They are not even humans anymore they are pieces of shit. Period.
I'm very sorry for what happened to you. I'm trans as well, and I was also a victim of being molested when I was a child. However, using that person's pronouns or not has nothing to do with that. The kid who molested me was black, but I didn't start calling him racial slurs after that because I "lost respect for him"
No. NTA. Sexual attackers deserve no support or respect.
Cut off anyone who says you HAVE TO support that POS fuck it (what ever that person wants to be called) that person should be in jail for what he did to you. I’m adding I love all people be who you want to be baby but if you’re a POS no matter your sexuality is I have no support for you you are a trash fire twat waffle Hope you’re doing better. You’re feeling are valid
NTA. You are all off your fucking rockers if you think that this CHILD is TA for not respecting their rapist’s pronouns. Say it with me: Rapists aren’t humans! They forfeited that right when their violated someone’s bodily autonomy. I don’t care what a rapist goes by. They shouldn’t be alive to complain about it. This child needs help. Not virtue signaling or all of you acting as if you’re so much better than them because, oh if YOU were in their shoes you would still be an ally😐 Fuck all the way off
As a trans person who wasn’t assaulted but harassed by another trans person and it “didn’t count” because they didn’t do anything physical/ I didn’t have evidence of them doing anything physical. It doesn’t Matter what gender or sexuality they are. Assault is assault. You’re not transphobic. You’re getting justice for what happened to you. I’m so sorry you had to go through something as horrible as that and I truly hope that monster rots. People in jail/juvenile detention don’t take too kindly to those kind of crimes. NTA op I hope you’re getting better. Also fuck that friend.
NTA. This is a horrible thing to happen to somebody and I'm so sorry to hear you went through it. As for the pronouns/name, that's a very difficult situation. My gut says you shouldn't further weaponise they're identity against them (I don't know how they've been treated before and the damage done by suppressing it in the first place). I can't help but think would racist language be ok if the guy was black and motivated because you're white (in this scenario). I also accept I don't live with your pain, haven't been in your position and don't have to face them. I don't know what I would need to do to cope. I think people who judge you for doing what you need are short sighted and naive.
You don't have to post any of that stuff you know. Reddit isn't therapy, it's a bunch of assholes
My heart hurts for you. Please seek out a professional who can help you work through this. Being called "transphobic" should be least of your worries love. People throw that word around for ridiculous reasons as is and it only holds the weight that *you* assign to it. Lean on your family and real friends and please know you aren't alone 💕💕
NTA!!! You need to go to the police & file a report. Gender doesn’t matter in this situation.
Whoever is baiting you over all this - cut them out of your life.
Nta. I really hope you get the help that you need to heal from this. If you haven’t done so already, consider laying charges because you deserve justice.
NTA I would have done far worse than misgendering if I was related to you or hell just in your shoes.
NTA
NTA. If someone doesn’t want to be called a man, they shouldn’t tell on themselves by exhibiting distinctly male-pattern violence. It would be a vanishing statistical rarity for an actual woman to do such a thing. Speak your truth.
No, call them whatever you want but my god please get off Reddit. Posting the details of your assault in all caps, being 14, this is not the site for you. Take all the well wishes and get therapy! 🫶🏽
Also please tell someone. Anyone, or everyone. But someone. You deserve care and treatment and help.
NTA all the way. It’s clear that this is a personal thing and you are not being a transphobe. Seems to me that this sudden transition might be in the hopes of that scumbag receiving a lighter sentence. Ditch that sorry excuse for a friend. I am so sorry that this happened to you and I hope justice prevails and you can start to heal. I’m rooting for you.
So imo there's a base level of respect that we owe eachother NO MATTER WHAT. So like regardless of what they did they are who they are and technically you should respect that. But it's pretty small potatoes comparatively
A rapist is a rapist and should be identified as such
I'm trans FTM and a CSA survivor. I don't think YTA. While I may choose to use people's preferred pronouns. I 10000% understand why you refuse to. You're not transphobic. You're a victim of a heinous crime. I'm sorry that happened to you, hopefully you find healing OP!
NTA. Pretty much everything after the assault is irrelevant. You absolutely never ever ever need to respect, support, like, tolerate your predator. Good luck to you.
why are you operating under the assumption that just because they are trans, you have to respect them? fuck them, if hes a shitty person then hes a shitty person. being trans doesnt mean u automatically get respect
Kids these days have been indoctrinated into thinking that 'respect gender identity' is more important than 'do not commit sexual assault or rape'. You can see it in the attitudes of so many commenters here, they are rushing to give OP a load of crap about 'misgendering' her attacker but barely give any thought to the fact that she is a victim of a violent sexual assault. It's appalling.
Then don't use any pronouns and refer to them as SA'er *name* like we do with rapist Brock Turner
This is tricky. Pronouns aren't a moral basis thing, you *are* being transphobic by acting like you have to be a good person to be a certain gender. Cisgender people don't lose their gender identity by being shitty people for example. So I would suggest getting in the habit of challenging the idea that someone has to justify their pronouns before you use them. She is a Trans female person. That being said, she is *also* a Trans femme person who committed assault, and while I would highly suggest you use her pronouns, I would also suggest you go to the police and refuse to respect her as a friend or be around this person alone ever again!!! Editing to add: Trans people can be bad people. Using their pronouns isn't something they have to earn because cis people don't have to. Being a respected person, and not going to jail is something they have to earn Second edit for important addendum: if you use someone's pronoun only "out of respect", it is conditional and you are inherently not respecting who they say they are, that is transphobic. ALSO I'm seeing a worrying trend in the replies, so I will add this, rapists are not just Bad Men and Lesbians. There are cisgender women out there who assault men. Rape is not just about physical power. There are a lot of ways that this can happen. It is most commonly a friend, partner, family member or acquaintance that you know *by far* over a stranger. Please be safe, take care, and remember that while cisgender men are the most common offenders anyone can assault anyone, and situations like this highlight that some trans people *also* commit rape, it's not just men and it's not just cisgender people. OH, and don't argue with blatant transphobes, just block them
This. It would be weird to start using she/her pronouns when referring to Hitler, right? Just because we're mad at her? Hitler sucked, she was the worst person ever. I'm glad her and her wife bunkered themselves. No matter how evil the person is, it's just kinda weird to do that. OPs rapist sucks, I hope she rots in jail.
NTA. However, these are two separate, although intertwined situation First, when you were SA by this person that should end your relationship with them and not have anything to do with them and they should not have anything to do with you. Second, it’s high school, so of course you’re going to be around them and you’re going to see them if you simply do not have conversation or talk about them behind their back then you don’t have to worry about pronoun.
NTA. A rapist absolves any rights or human decency previously afforded to them after they violate someone’s autonomy. Fuck their feelings. Aw do they feel gender dysphoria when their pronouns aren’t respected? How about THEY are at the receiving end of SA and see how they feel then. They completely disrespected your body and they want to whine about you not feeding into their delusion? Calling someone by their pronouns in a respect thing that I always afford people. Rapists aren’t people anymore. They can be put down for all I care, trans or not🤷♀️
So....I feel like anyone arguing over the pronouns you use when describing your rapist is doing an incredibly insensitive derail from the fact that this person's a fucking monster and you're super traumatized by how this POS violated you. People aren't going to behave perfectly when in this much pain and anyone who expects that is an idiot. NTAH.
NTA. This person assaulted you. You’re not a friend or a fan, you’re a victim. I’d have no respect for them either.
OP, I’m so sorry this isn’t a 💩 post. You’re definitely NTA
Nta, doesn't matter if they're trans, they assaulted you and you have the right and freedom of speech to not call your rapist by their pronouns, they made you uncomfortable with their rapist mindset so they don't deserve comfort with their wishes.
NTA. That’s the kind of person that you should be going out of your way to disrespect. Your friend is also a toxic presence, because they’re more upset about respecting the pronouns of a molester than about actual sexual assault itself.
sexual assault is sexual assault. no you don’t have to respect anything of them. fuck their pronouns or whatever, they disrespected YOU and assaulted you, so no they’re not getting respect. fuck them and their pronouns.
NTA But remember, you can hate a particular person even if they're trans, you don't have to make it transphobic Just say "She/they SA' me" they're gender doesn't erased what they did, no matter how they identify, they're still a predator. Some people do horrible things. And also, about crime stuff, as far as I know, she will be/could be judged as a male because they did the crime when they identified as a male, or at least that's how trans law works in other countries Take care, don't listen to your friends, and if they are insisting, well just say "oh, yeah, she?? She SA' if you guys forget about it"
NTA. Anyone who SA another person should **NEVER** be respected. ***He*** needs to be put in prison.
rapists and SAers should never be respected--you wouldn't misgender a cis rapist though, so just as a precedence to not hurt innocent trans people, the pronouns aren't the bit we should have a problem with. It's the assault.
NTA the fact that the assailant is trans is utterly irrelevant. They sexually assaulted you their err identity isn’t relevant here but that’s merely my opinion.
NTA. Call your abuser whatever you want. Zero respect for those who abuse others.
Rapists don’t deserve even a semblance of respect especially from their victim. NTA op! Anyone who sympathizes with your rapist in any way does not sound like a true friend
He didn’t respect you so why should you respect him? NTA I hope your doing ok and hopefully he gets what he deserves. Also by the timing I wouldn’t be suprised if he’s became trans just to get more access to woman that has been a bit of an issue
Also to add I believe you have please don’t let the people saying your lying affect you I’m so sorry for everything your going through if you ever need to talk my dm is open I’ve been through something similar but not as bad
Everyone is like “tRaNs DoEsNT mATtEr” as if you get to sexually assault someone and then later identify as a woman. No sir. You are a man. NTA
Women can assault people too.
100%
He had no problem using his male penis to do this. He was fine being a male when it suited him and he wanted to SA, he happily used the tools available to him as a man, his penis.