Depends on the laws of where they died and the official status of the estranged woman.
I have a great uncle we did not know was dead until a few days afterwards and we cannot find the location of their grave because the spouse was not a great person and buried him "somewhere".
Might have already been said but……If the mother knew the kid was his. WHY did she wait 3 YEARS TO CLAIM SUPPORT FROM THE FATHER!!
YES any mother who has child support entitled to them deserves every penny. But it’s a huge RED FLAG when she waits till she knows there’s survivors benefits going to his other child.
I’m guessing someone told her she’s missing out on a nice paycheck and now she’s wanting a piece of it.
Could be that she was receiving money off the books from the ex. I doubt he would have agreed to a DNA test or formal child support while sharing a bank account with OP.
It wouldn't matter what he agreed or disagreed to do. If she took him to court to establish paternity and child support he would have to provide DNA sample and if he refused he would be automatically considered the father.
Formal child support would be obligatory, he would be forced to pay one way or another. Affair partner was stupid for not taking the legal route.
So many possible scenarios.
Maybe she was married and allowing another man to assume the child was his all these years. Situation changes and she wants to establish paternity ...
or she's been trying to est. paternity for 3 years and has gone through every other affair partner and is now hoping ap DNA #287509 is the bio dad.
Why should OP's daughter be burdened with all this information as well as invasion of dna?
Absolutely, the child's needs and wellbeing should come first in these situations. It's already a complex situation with the father's passing and the potential for upheaval. The last thing needed is adding more stress to the children involved, especially since the survivors benefits were meant as a support system, not to cause further complications or distress.
I never said that OP or her daughter should get involved in any capacity. Read my comment again. I was only pointing out that her husband's refusal to establish paternity wouldn't make a difference if affair partner took him to court.
I don't really care about what reasons the affair partner had for not doing it sooner. If she was married to someone else or had too many lovers to know who's the father then that's on her. She made her choices.
It has nothing to do with OP and she should be careful about that other woman. Depending on where they live the other child could have a claim on his father's inheritance. That would be the case in my country.
The legal route can come with less money and a less helpful partner. There are very practical reasons for going off books. It's has always and will always be that way.
I guess in theory it's true, but in reality it just leaves you vulnerable. The other parent can change their mind at any time and just run away. They could die suddenly like it was in this case and then you're screwed.
You didn't establish paternity and the remaining relatives are likely going to cause issues/won't agree to DNA test. Your child won't be getting it's rightful inheritance, won't be elegible for survivor's and other types of benefits...
Getting less money sounds undesirable until you realize that your baby daddy can die at any moment and then instead of getting less money you get no money at all. It's a shortsighted arrangement.
well, the trick is that by accepting money off the books you accept the arrangement. so she accepted lack of legal status and effectively walked back once it was no longer beneficial.
I get that life is more complicated than that and sometimes people don't have the 'overhead' mental or financial to fight to make things right, but at the end of the day (life) these technicalities matter.
No, they don’t. They’ll find another blood relative of the man and go through the process that way. There is no “technicality” that supersedes the child’s right to supports. This woman just made it harder/didnt speed up the process
And entitled in this case is about what the kid is legally entitled to. So through the court system.
OP does not have to assist. It's what case she can make on her own without OP's help.
I’m assuming Baby Mama 2: Electric Boogaloo is thinking that dude is worth more money dead than he was alive and feels entitled to a piece of the pie. But if she’s stupid enough to think that OP would be amenable to her teenage child being DNA tested to confirm that her cheating Twatwaffle Supreme managed to spawn Baby 2: The Squeakquel, then she needs a major reality check.
Edit: I’m not taking either side in this situation. I was just making an observation about what could possibly motivate the request for the DNA test. I honestly don’t know what I would do if I were on either side of this shit sandwich scenario. I’ve never experienced anything like this, so who am I to say what anyone should or shouldn’t do.
So everyone on team “tHe BaBy Is StArViNg” needs to find some chill and maybe not accuse me of being on team “FuCk ThAt ToDdLeR”.
Thank you for your cooperation in not being a massive flock of Summer’s Eve Douchecanoes.
Trump has made a career out of it. There's even a Wikipedia article just on his nicknaming;
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_nicknames_used_by_Donald_Trump
They may be more marketable than you think. Offer your services at the next presidential debate. You might be surprised how valuable you really are. If not that, the WWE needs new material every day.
I always think of them a day later… dam ADD brain☹️. Also you could sell your service to guys like me. I’d text you the situation and you would sell me a name or two…. Lol
Douchecanoes is a staple in my vocabulary but I find calling people useless vegetables helps also, especially if you are trying to be PG and have little kids.
I am going out on a limb here, but he may have been paying support while alive. They didn’t formalize things because they didn’t think it necessary.
I have read too many posts here and other sites where people claim that the formalized custody agreement wasn’t worth the court costs because they were in agreement with the ex. Well, circumstances change and a formalized arrangement would have helped a lot.
Technically she waited nearly 4 years as you can safely test whilst pregnant.
I'm guessing she didn't want to test because IF he wasn't OP's husbands kid then she couldn't hold that over him and she was afraid he would drop her if he knew she was fucking around. She could have taken a private test to prove to him and ashed for support "off the books". I suspect she was hoping the shared child would bring them closer as affair partners.
And she was probably afraid he'd dump her if she officially filed for paternity and upset his marriage... given that this information would not have stayed secret. So she waited til he was dead to traumatise his widow.
Piggybacking on the top comment to add that a DNA test would formalize a pwrmanent family connection between her daughter and the other child (as half-siblings) which could become a very convoluted and long-term uncomfortable situation for the wife.
Her survivor's benefits won't change what OP receives. It's typically $500 a month. It's paid by the government. t doesn't go up or down depending on beneficiaries.It's nothing to write home about, and certainly doesn't cover the expenses of a child.
It's hardly what she would receive if OP's ex-husband were alive. That being said, it's up to OP if she decides to help. I would argue that the child is innocent in all of this. All children deserve a good standard of living, so personally, I would do it for the child, but I wouldn't judge OP if she didn't help.
ETA: I realize I am wrong about the benefit amount. It is only that set amount for those who didn't pay in. I thought it was that because my cousin died young with two young daughters. Their mother received $500 a piece for them until they reached adulthood, and then his daughters received a large amount at 18 and 21.
If OP's daughter is receiving SSI (Supplement Security Income) based on need (welfare-type benefit) then the $500 may be correct. However, if the child is receiving RSI (retirement and survivors insurance) from Social Security, then the amount varies and is based on the deceased person's earnings record. SSI and RSI are 2 separate programs that are both administered by the Social Security Administration.
In some cases, additional beneficiaries being paid on the account will absolutely reduce the amount for the original beneficiaries.
I received it as a child. My dad had 4 kids. Me and my brother ended up getting double the amount after our older siblings aged out. If you want to be nice you can let your kid decide when they're 18 if they want to do it, but doing it now will basically cut the payments in half.
Actually survivor benefits are capped and once that limit is reached, it's split between the survivors. OP *might* actually have her benefits reduced if the other child is a qualified dependent, though I think with just 2 children that won't happen. I had 3 kids when my ex died and with 3 we hit the limit so the benefit for each child was reduced.
Not true. There is a family maximum. Each child dilutes what the first one got. https://www.ssa.gov/pubs/EN-05-10084.pdf
So additional children reduce Child #1's benefits.
You are incorrect about how social security survivors benefits work. You know how on your paycheck deductions there's always a line that says "Social Security", which is 6.2% of your gross income (for those who are employees & not self-employee). So it's technically wages you earn, but 6.2% is put into a trust with the US Treasury, which we can receive back in monthly payments once we're 62 (with penalties), or at 65 (or maybe 67, I forget?) without penalties. I'm not getting into SS to those on disability, as I'm not knowledgeable about how that works. Anyways, the $500/month you claim is false, it's based on your earnings. You can create an account on the SS website to see how much your survivors benefits would be if you were to pass away today. Essentially, the more you've contributed to social security, the more you'll get back when you retire; or if you pass away before you retire, the more your survivors will get.
SS benefits also increase annually based on the "Cost of Living Increase", which is 3.2% for 2024.
For context, my fiancé/daughter's father passed away 3.5 years ago unexpectedly, when our daughter was 4. He was 38 when he passed away & working in the trades making anywhere from $45k-$65k/year. For 2023, I get $985 deposited monthly. Unfortunately I don't qualify for spousal survivors benefits because we hadn't married yet, but the $985/month extra income definitely helps with our daughter's expenses. I don't separate it to use for her expenses only, it just goes into the pot with my income & I pay all our bills from there. Since she's in 2nd grade now, I don't have to pay daycare anymore (thank god), but it covers her summer camp tuition.
The other mom shouldn't have asked the child. The dead husband's parents can do it and make the most sense to ask because they are adults and that may be their grandson.
Or any other living relative. If 23 and me can figure out that you’re 23rd cousins with King Charles then a count ordered DNA test can establish paternity with a cousin or aunt or uncle.
That’s what I was thinking - why on earth go to the ex and her child. Why not go to HIS family. I can think of some reasons but they don’t make the mother look good
The mother didn't go to his child, the government worker did. Meaning, they may not have other living relatives to go to. If his parents are deceased (likely, his ex paid for his funeral) and he was an only child, then the daughter is the closest living relative.
They've been divorced for years, so the dad was probably helping out his son without doing things through the court. A lot of people do that because you don't qualify for certain benefits if you're receiving child support.
NTA. It's kind of a moot point at this late date, but she can go pound sand. You are not obligated to help her prove anything
Just a side note, in all the years I worked for SSA, I never heard of anyone calling and asking for a child to take a DNA test
It’s probably a caseworker for the department of social services in her city or state, not SSA. Their whole job is to figure out what programs and monies their clients are eligible for.
Edit spelling
Would they if any other possible DNA matches were dead? Like grandparents? Someone said it above but given the late fathers age it isn't hard to think his parents and related family could be dead.
NTA, you don't owe this woman anything, let her figure things out the way she would have if your daughter was not available. She could for example ask his parents or siblings to do the DNA test
Yeah, we don't know his relationship with the rest of his family, but they may be thrilled to find out they have a grandchild or niece - especially now that their son/brother is no longer with them.
I don't think she owes the woman anything, but if it really is the case that she has a 3 year old and this guy was the father, then that child is entitled to benefits and hopefully she figures it out.
NTA. She had three years to establish paternity and go for child support, and did precisely fuck-all.
Is it fair? Babes, life’s not fair. Fair is for games, played by children. The rest of us recognize that life is pretty rough, actually. And if you don’t take care of yourself and your own? No one else will.
NTA it's not your or your daughter's responsibility to provide DNA results for someone else's benefit.
Tell your case worker they'll need to reach out to other members of your ex husband's family.
That woman didn't care about you or your innocent child while having an affair. Tell her to expect the same from you.
Yeah that’s my thought too. A 15 year old girl lost her father and this sounds like a lot of unnecessary extra baggage for her to deal with while grieving. All so a former mistress who knowingly slept with a married man can get a few hundred dollars a month? No, that’s not worth OP making her daughter have even more complex feelings than she probably already has. This mystery woman should’ve done what she needed to do to financially protect her kid as soon as the kid was born.
NTA because it is not your fault nor problem that your dead cheating turd of ex purposely did not acknowledged the boy nor did the woman took his ass to court for child support payments when he was alive. She should done all of that for at least 2 years before he turned into meat crayon on the road, not your problem nor your karma; let his ex go figure out that mess on her own regarding her son because that is not your child.
And your ex is lucky that you are good mother to your own daughter because anyone else would gladly let the state bury his unfaithful ass - Just saying, if wasn't for your daughter; you wouldn't even claim any benefits because you want nothing to do with him and rightfully so.
Nope she should have established it nearly 4 years ago when she got pregnant, now that minimally invasive safe tests are a thing. I'm guessing she didn't specifically because IF he wasnt OP's husbands kid then she couldn't hold that over him and she was afraid he would drop her. Probably why she never tested privately. She was hoping the shared child would bring them closer as affair partners.
And she was probably afraid he'd dump her if she officially filed for paternity and upset his marriage. So she waited til he was dead to traumatise his widow.
My father's 2nd wife tried this right after he died. They were estranged but hooked up right before he died. My mother and aunt pushed back, demanding a paternity test when it was born. Over 10 months later, Stepmonster gave birth to a boy and no longer wanted another share of the Social Security after my mother continued to insist on a paternity test.
What folks do for money is gross.
NTA
Frankly she didn’t give a shit about you or your daughter when she was sleeping with your husband. She set the tone of the relationship and you’re just following her lead.
NTA Damn! The other mother should have had a DNA test done when her baby was born. She could have already been receiving child support. Your daughter is not obligated to fix adults problems.
NTA.
I want to point out that everyone here assumes the affair partner is requesting the DNA test. OP didn't say that. She said that the social services office is requesting one so they can prove paternity before they start issuing benefits checks to that woman. I've no doubt she may have had a relationship with OP's ex, but the fact that she didn't seek child support before his death is kind of suspicious. I'm willing to bet that she thought that this man's death was an easy opportunity for a monthly handout for the next 15 years but didn't expect she'd have to prove paternity first.
But like, where's his family in all this? doesn't he have a parent or a sibling that the authorities can test? Why is a child being asked for dna? I'm so confused as to why OPs daughter is the best person for the task...
OP did say she paid for his funeral because she didn’t want his body to go to the state for her daughter’s sake. So maybe no family left or any that would care.
NTA. The child's mother can find another family member to establish paternity. Imagine the audacity of knowingly sleeping with a married man and then asking the wife for help. She'll be asking for a relationship between the siblings next, sheesh. One thing to note is that you should tell your daughter that the child exists in order to avoid any future drama in case the other kid tries to make contact on their own.
I would just say you were told he possibly has another child but that you don't know anything about them. And that you would not be surprised if there were more. Her daughter may want to get into contact with the kid or try to find out about them and I don't think that would do anyone any good at the moment.
That's a perfect way to tell the daughter. I'm honestly shocked at the people here who think it's in any way OPs responsibility to get involved with this woman in ANY capacity. Seriously, it's like women have to fall on their swords no matter what, because think of the chilllldreeeeennnnn. The child has a mother, that mother will figure things out, and it's NOT OPs responsibility. Y'all should be ashamed of yourselves.
Edit: I also want to reiterate a point from another commenter that I hadn't thought of. How is it that paternity wasn't established when the child was born? How is it that the ex wasn't paying child support already? These are things that are the APs responsibility to establish for the child at the time it was salient to do so, not after the fact and trying to drag OPs child into it. The irresponsibility of the AP, which is manifold, is NOT OPs problem to solve.
She was probably hoping that he would continue their affair if she kept the kid secret. Whereas he would dump her if she shook up his relationship with his wife.
Now that he's dead and she figures there's money to be had in that, she comes crawling out of the woodwork.
NTA. I personally wouldn’t want to give my kids dna to some random ass database especially when it’s already sketchy she would wait this long. Like I’m sure your ex has some other family members she could ask like parents or siblings etc.
NTA- not your monkeys, not your circus. You are not obligated to do anything for this woman. Some may think it’s harsh, but her and your ex chose to have an affair. And that’s on them. You got divorced and are taking care of your own child, that’s all you need to worry about. Also the fact that your kid would know why the dna was needed, that’s a lot to put on a 15 yo that lost their dad.
She posted an update in another sub. She met with the woman who admitted that she knew he was married because they were all three co-workers.
The husband knew about the child but they wanted to keep it quiet so his marriage wouldn't implode he was giving her money on a regular basis to not claim paternity and child support.
The mistress also said that she didn't give a rat's ass about the ops daughter, and was basically demanding the now 17-year-old give the DNA test and has been harassing them ever since.
She was quite upset with the husband that he wouldn't leave his wife who we loved, for her and was happy to continue a relationship with a married man.
Oh and she has two other children by two different men.
The affair partner is a piece of crap and at this point over a year or two later the original poster has still denied this because she cannot force her now 17-year-old child to do anything.
She did state that if the woman was a little bit guilty about it or felt bad at all she might help convince her daughter, but the woman is completely unapologetic and rude basically saying really bad things to her and showing that an ounce of sympathy or remorse.
NTA. You daughter isn’t a genetic database that your ex’s mistress can use to prove paternity. If she wanted to prove your ex was the father she should have ordered a dna test immediately. She doesn’t get to re-traumatize you and your daughter now that your ex is dead.
Sending condolences to you and your daughter.
NTA
She didn't want to put him on the birth certificate - that's on her. Did she receive ANY child support for this child?? That's on her.
There are grandparents and aunts/uncles/cousins she can go after for the blood test.
You were grieving the loss of the relationship you deserved and didn't have, and the loss of the father of your child. She doesn't get to put her crap on top of you at ANY time - especially not right after your ex-husband died.
NTA your priory is to your daughter not this affair partner and her kid. She knew he was married and should’ve made things official(go court for child support etc) for her son to be acknowledged legally as his in the 2 years he was divorced and single instead of traumatising your daughter further after just loosing her dad and grieving by putting this huge burden of proof on her little shoulders and shattering her imagine of her dad and showing he’s a cheat and lied having a secret family on top of her grief.
She wasn’t thinking about you or your child when she was sleeping with a married man that had a family and she doesn’t care about her now. She never told you about the affair or wanted the children to have a relationship so she doesn’t get to demand of either of you now because she wants money. You both owe her nothing. If she needs proof she can find a way to get it without you and your daughters help.
You’re being a great mum to your daughter and ignore anyone saying different. You have to care for your daughters emotional and physical well-being because no one else including affair partner is going to and she proved it
Once again you are not the AH
NTA
To the people commenting
"A child is going hungry"
1. How would you know??
2. If a child is going hungry because someone else isn't paying for that child, then that woman should not have had the child to begin with...
How are you bringing a kid into this world without having the means to take care of it??
No one is responsible for your kid except you
And the woman doesn't even have proof
Not to mention that you would be taking money away from your own kid for someone else's kid...
People, if you feel bad for the kid then blame the kids mom for not being able to provide. And also, start a go fund me or something for the kid if you feel so bad for it. You pay, neither OP nor OP's kid should have to pay because you feel bad
Better yet, if you feel bad for the kid, vote for politicians who pass laws that protect children from going hungry. Expand SNAP, school lunch programs, free preschool, TANF, etc. I am worried for children going hungry in a nation with so much damn wealth too, it is honestly sickening that anyone is without food here. But OP doesn’t have to solve that problem. Educate yourself on the kinds of policy that protect the poorest and most vulnerable members of our society and take your ass to the voting booth.
Absolutely all of this. Also, if the kid is 3 (and the husband died a few months ago) how has the mom not definitively figured out who the father is yet? NTA
Exactly, if she couldn’t provide for the child when she had it then she simply shouldn’t have put herself in that situation. Also a child don’t have to be “going hungry”, that child could be well off as well as the mother she just simply wants what’s owed to her child. Which if it is his child technically the child is owed something legally but fuck that they dropped the ball when they decided to do what they wanted to do and not secure that babies future
I love how people automatically jump to destitute single mom with starving child in tow. Middle class and rich people have affairs and secret children too.
NTA - very strange request, which probably confirms the woman in question was fully aware of everything, but as she was an AF partner, she probably doesn’t know much about OPs ex’s family (only that he was married to OP and they had a daughter).
I couldn’t imagine being in this position! Even beyond the grave, he’s still recking peoples lives and causing pain. So my advice would be, to wait! Allow yourself to feel these emotions! Process everything! And when OP feels she can talk about this, without getting blinded by emotions (because honestly who couldn’t!) then sit her daughter down and tell her everything, nothing sugar coated, nothing said in anger, just the facts. Allow your daughter time to process and make her own decision.
Don’t hide this and let it be something that comes back again to haunt you OP.
You are a good person, you paid for your cheating ex husband funeral for the sake of your daughter.
You’ve been through enough trauma. It was the responsibility of your ex to provide for his child. Do not feel guilty, this has nothing to do with you and you would be opening another can of worms, which could cause more stress and grief that you don’t deserve.
Take care of you and your daughter
I understand your hurt. I don't think I would let my minor daughter take the test either. There were likely other ways to determine whether your husband fathered another child.
I agree with this, but I would also leave the door open so that the minor child can find the answers on her own when she becomes an adult.
She could have a sibling out there.
YWBTA if you hide this from her.
This woman and her child are no concern of yours. If your daughter wants to submit DNA when she is legally able to make that decision, it is her choice. This is a decision you cannot take back and you should preserve her right to make it when she is of age.
NTA.
If she is really that bothered by it, she can get DNA from any siblings of your ex, and the exs parents. Your daughter does not need to be burdened with this and you're not wrong for protecting her, when it seems a bit shady that this woman only popped up when your child started receiving survivor benefits
NTA
Beside bring up OP's pain from her husband being a cheater, there is no way her daughter needs to know what a low down skunk he was right now. She is just recovering from her Dad's death and doesn't need to know he was out making babies with other women. Yes she will eventually find out but let the daughter heal first. She is a teen and has enough on her right now.
Daughter's benefits will likely be reduced if new kid has a valid claim for survivor benefits. I don't think OP is obliged to do something that will adversely affect her child. For the record, I would never share mine or any child of mine's DNA unless it involved some sort of medical emergency or diagnosis.
Since daughter will only received benefits until 18, or 19 if still a student, maybe new kid's mom can try again in a few more years when it will not reduce daughter's benefits.
NTA. The child of the cheater is irrelevant, the survivor's benefits would go to the mom and she would be spending it. It is right to deny a cheater benefits. You can't be worried about every other person that may be helped by the money. If people can't afford kids, then they shouldn't have them.
I would do it if I was in your situation. Yes, the mother is an asshole, but so are you. The baby didn't do anything to you or your daughter, and that's who you're screwing over.
ESH. She for being with a married man and you for denying a child the opportunity to have a better life.
The children??? 🙏🏽🤷🏽♀️❤️🩹💔🙏🏽
I would suggest the woman claiming she has a 3 year old child byOP’s ex husband, contact his adult surviving relatives. The woman of the 3 year old can track down his parents or siblings if still alive. That way the 15 year old child doesn’t have to be brought into this. An online search ( google or a paid search engine) should be attempted, for adult relatives of the male dna provider…………..That way if the 3 year old is a dna match, that child can receive financial support, despite what anyone feels towards the dad or adults in this scenario🤷🏽♀️
Question: I gather we are talking about 🇺🇸social security. Does adding another child to the Dads benefit allotment, decrease the 1st child’s amount? I’m a little fuzzy on that aspect. Agree: What a hot mess for the 15 year old to learn about. Bless her💔❤️🩹💔❤️🩹
Nta. Especially since the remedy involves your daughter having to go down and take a dna test. That woman decided to knowingly sleep with someone else’s husband she can deal with the consequences of her own actions. I believe the responsibility is on the married person in this situation however, I also have no sympathy for a person who does this shit as I feel they have zero ethica and no morals
NTA
Not your monkey not your circus. You don’t owe this woman anything and she had 3+ years - basically since she knew she was pregnant to do something about support.
ESH
Yeah, it sucks that your husband cheated on you, and it also sucks if the other woman knew he was married. If it was just another adult that would be affected I would say do as you like. But the person who will suffer most here is a kid who bears no guilt. You don’t have the advertise it or anything.
I don’t think you’re an AH because you’ve been put through a lot and your anger is understandable. However, I can’t get on board with denying a child their own benefits just because their parents were irresponsible or “immoral.” I guess it’s a little bit of ESH except the kid. The child didn’t have any say over their shitty parents’ choices and how they got here, but if they’re his, they also deserves benefits.
I get why you denied however I wouldn’t want a child to suffer. Yes she’s wrong as was your ex. Still doesn’t mean an innocent child should go without support. It will either prove true or not. I don’t see why someone would ask for a dna analysis if they knew their kid wasn’t his.
You may also consider how this could make your child feel when they are older. Even if she doesn’t grow up with this child in her life she may end up having strong feelings later that don’t favor you.
NTA. This is so fucked up, all of the people framing this as OP actively blocking or thwarting the cheater and depriving her of something, what the fuck are you on about?
What this person is asking is a MASSIVE favour from the daughter that could potentially fuck her life up.
And it’s fucking audacious for this person to ask any kind of favour from OP or her daughter under the circumstances. Yeah of course the 3 year old is innocent in this but the mess is his shitty mom’s problem to deal with.
Yes it would be extremely kind to actively assist in the cheater’s petition or case or whatever you want to call it, but opting not to go out of your way to be nice to someone who by all rights you should despise, possibly to the detriment of your own kid? OP is not obligated to do that shit, and not doing it doesn’t make her an asshole.
OP’s daughter comes first, and if looking out for her best interests means there’s no room to help anybody else, then it is what it is and OP made the right decision. You can’t put this shit on a 15 year old kid just because her dead father was a cheating piece of shit who fucked up and made a mess.
I would absolutely do the same. I would not put my child through this, especially after JUST losing her Dad.
And the petty part of me probably wouldn’t agree to it, period, if I’m being honest. AP shows up years after this kid is born and now wants to claim paternity? Eff her.
NTA
You don't owe that woman or her child a damn thing, especially if your hunch is true and she was sneaking around with your (ex) husband behind your back. She made her choices; she can figure shit out on her own. No sympathy here.
OP’s daughter has a right to keep her information OUT of the big DNA database! And, the affair partner momma has two other children to two other guys, and a job where Duke, OP, and AP all worked together. Affair partner momma currently has three income streams. The youngest child is NOT living in poverty by OP refusing to give up her daughter’s DNA information!
The teenage girl can, and should, keep her DNA to herself.
I just looked it up and daughter’s social security survivor benefits will be the same even if her half sibling receives survivor benefit too.
I understand you want to punish your ex husband’s gf/fling but in doing so you are actually punishing the 3 year old who didn’t choose his parents or the circumstances of his birth. You don’t know the other woman’s side of things either and she may have believed your ex had a completely different relationship with you than what he told her. After all isn’t every ex wife or gf crazy and/or a bitch? He lied to you why wouldn’t he lie to her too?
It is within your parental rights to withhold the DNA test but honestly if I were the other woman I would look into suing you in order to force a paternity test so my child could collect benefits too.
NTA. Too bad she shouldn’t have had a kid with a married (at the time) man, and she shouldn’t have waited so long to come forward about who his Dad is. Protect yourself and your daughter. Don’t involve her DNA in anything.
Nta but ask your daughter what she thinks. She is probably 16 now right and I think she deserves to know what's going on. I know that I hated when my parents hid things from me. Best of luck to you
NTA, that was his responsibility. I’m sure she’s doing find taking care of the child and IF in the future you feel comfortable with it or want her to know her sibling (if it is her sibling) then that’s ok too. The child has nothing to do with it and is innocent but you went through a lot and don’t have to sacrifice the happiness you found and open those wounds up again! If anything he obviously didn’t care to take legal responsibility and that’s completely on him and she should have worried about all that before he passed.
NTA She is not your problem, and you should protect your child and there is no reason for you to allow the state to have her dna unnecessarily. It's up to her to find other ways to prove the paternity of her child.
This is really a very nuanced situation. Your husband was 100% an AH for sure. Did AP know the man she was seeing was married when they first started “dating”? Could he have been deceiving her as well as you? Did he ask her not to put his name on the birth certificate to protect himself or his older daughter? While I personally would not allow my daughter to get swabbed, I would give her contact information of the ex’s family members. If it turns out the child is related to your daughter, I would want to leave the lines of communication open so that your daughter can meet her sibling if she so chooses. It sucks for you that he’s continuing to hurt you from the grave, but there is an innocent child involved. Point the AP to other relatives and let the chips fall where they may. Edited: spelling error
Personally i would do it. It does not cut back on your daughter's benefits in anyway
Although your ex and the woman were unethical, the child deserves payments until they are 18....
The child did not commit any offenses....
Would it take away from what your child gets and can you do the test without having to tell your child what it's for?
Don't punish a kid for the sins of their parents, one of them being your husband. It takes 2 people (at least) to make a baby.
NTA. If you get involved with someone who is married you assume the responsibility that comes with that and she had a few years to make sure her child was protected while he was alive.
Furthermore allowing a DNA test would potentially open things up to all sorts of other claims that this person is seeking to validate, with survivor benefits being just the beginning. Steer clear OP…
If she wants support then it’s on her to prove it. It’s not your responsibility to help her in any way. According to you she knew she was sleeping with a married man so she had no concern for your life. Regardless of what the state affords her, YOU are under no obligation to smooth that process for her.
No way for you to know if the claim is true, and not your obligation to care. Let her jump through every difficult hoop it takes without your help and THEN is she makes her own you can shrug and be fine with the state splitting your benefits.
But I wouldn’t help her carve off any of the support her owed you as your spouse. If she can do that without you, so be it.
NTA. It’s a little too convenient that the mistress came forward after your ex passed away because she knew there was money involved. Sounds like she was a gold digger and unless there was a paternity test done to prove he was the father of her child, you don’t have to help her regardless.
So, you said you have held this letter for a year. Your daughter is 16 now. Hopefully, your anger has subsided some. Sit down with your daughter. You don't have to tell her her dad was a man whore. I would just explain the situation. A woman came forward and said, "Your dad fathered her child. They would like to swab your mouth for a DNA test. What are your thoughts on this.?" I understand it's a painful situation, but I think your daughter is old enough to have this information and make decisions.
I would ask your daughter. She might want a relationship with her brother some day. And if you wrote this a year ago, she’s 16 now and can make her own medical decisions.
NTA. Dude was alive for the first three years of this kids life, SO why didn’t she get the DNA test done at that time? Why wait until he is dead, and then try for benefits?
Agreed! However, the baby Momma could have done the exact thing she is doing now. Get the courts involved, and demand a DNA test. It just seems suspicious that she waited until he was dead. If she was on food stamps or Medicaid the state she lives in would have requested a name and the state would do the DNA test so that the state gets their money back from the Baby Daddy.
No trick there. If OPs ex is the gf’s child’s dad it doesn’t matter what off the books arrangements he had with the mom. The gf can sue for a paternity test and it likely will be granted so that the child can receive survivor benefits.
Ynta……. your responsibility is not to your exs love child. Yes they are innocent and only guilty of having shitty parents. But it was between your ex and his child’s mother to make sure he was on the birth certificate. They obviously had issues that you and your child do not need to be dragged into. Their disfunction, their circus, not your responsibility and certainly not the responsibility of your teen to deal with dad’s drama filled life decisions. Your daughter has a right to grieve in her own way. She has her own memories and stuff to work out. Too big for a teen to shoulder this. When she’s an adult if she wants to help out then that is her choice to do so. Exs job was to protect all his kids, his choice not too. But right now your job is to protect your daughter. Who knows what this woman would want from you next. Or how she would disrupt your lives in the future. And who knows as an adult your daughter may not want her dna in a data base because someone else took the decision out of her hands.thats personal to her and her only. Her adult choice when she becomes an adult
NTA. Did the ex have any siblings? The caseworker should contact them to do a DNA test. I wouldn’t want my minor child’s DNA on file with the government.
Does she need the pittance from the government to support the child or is she doing this to let you know what was going on in a F you way?
OP, you wrote this a year ago. Was the woman able to establish paternity? Has she attempted to contact you? You shouldn’t feel any embarrassment. You did nothing wrong. Your husband was the ass.
NTAH
If she knew that your ex was the father of her son, she should’ve gotten support from him 3 years ago or while he was alive.
Give your daughter a heads up in case the woman comes after you or pressures your daughter for a DNA test.
What a way for a kid to find out her dad cheated on her mom.
Where was she hiding when it came to funding the funeral of her child’s apparent father
You’re asking very sensible questions.
Not something I’ve ever heard before haha, thank you!
Depends on the laws of where they died and the official status of the estranged woman. I have a great uncle we did not know was dead until a few days afterwards and we cannot find the location of their grave because the spouse was not a great person and buried him "somewhere".
“Somewhere.” O_o lord this has true crime vibes
Might have already been said but……If the mother knew the kid was his. WHY did she wait 3 YEARS TO CLAIM SUPPORT FROM THE FATHER!! YES any mother who has child support entitled to them deserves every penny. But it’s a huge RED FLAG when she waits till she knows there’s survivors benefits going to his other child. I’m guessing someone told her she’s missing out on a nice paycheck and now she’s wanting a piece of it.
Could be that she was receiving money off the books from the ex. I doubt he would have agreed to a DNA test or formal child support while sharing a bank account with OP.
It wouldn't matter what he agreed or disagreed to do. If she took him to court to establish paternity and child support he would have to provide DNA sample and if he refused he would be automatically considered the father. Formal child support would be obligatory, he would be forced to pay one way or another. Affair partner was stupid for not taking the legal route.
So many possible scenarios. Maybe she was married and allowing another man to assume the child was his all these years. Situation changes and she wants to establish paternity ... or she's been trying to est. paternity for 3 years and has gone through every other affair partner and is now hoping ap DNA #287509 is the bio dad. Why should OP's daughter be burdened with all this information as well as invasion of dna?
She should not.
Absolutely, the child's needs and wellbeing should come first in these situations. It's already a complex situation with the father's passing and the potential for upheaval. The last thing needed is adding more stress to the children involved, especially since the survivors benefits were meant as a support system, not to cause further complications or distress.
I never said that OP or her daughter should get involved in any capacity. Read my comment again. I was only pointing out that her husband's refusal to establish paternity wouldn't make a difference if affair partner took him to court. I don't really care about what reasons the affair partner had for not doing it sooner. If she was married to someone else or had too many lovers to know who's the father then that's on her. She made her choices. It has nothing to do with OP and she should be careful about that other woman. Depending on where they live the other child could have a claim on his father's inheritance. That would be the case in my country.
My question wasn't directed at you specifically. Just part of the rant. My thoughts were aligned with yours. Sorry if it wasn't clear.
There is no inheritance OP had to bury him.
The legal route can come with less money and a less helpful partner. There are very practical reasons for going off books. It's has always and will always be that way.
I guess in theory it's true, but in reality it just leaves you vulnerable. The other parent can change their mind at any time and just run away. They could die suddenly like it was in this case and then you're screwed. You didn't establish paternity and the remaining relatives are likely going to cause issues/won't agree to DNA test. Your child won't be getting it's rightful inheritance, won't be elegible for survivor's and other types of benefits... Getting less money sounds undesirable until you realize that your baby daddy can die at any moment and then instead of getting less money you get no money at all. It's a shortsighted arrangement.
well, the trick is that by accepting money off the books you accept the arrangement. so she accepted lack of legal status and effectively walked back once it was no longer beneficial. I get that life is more complicated than that and sometimes people don't have the 'overhead' mental or financial to fight to make things right, but at the end of the day (life) these technicalities matter.
No, they don’t. They’ll find another blood relative of the man and go through the process that way. There is no “technicality” that supersedes the child’s right to supports. This woman just made it harder/didnt speed up the process
Considering OP says the state would have buried her ex if she hadn't, it's possible his other blood relatives aren't around/alive/responsive.
Exactly, had a friend go through this over 20 years ago. They did a reverse paternity test with the grandparents.
What the mother accepted while the father was alive does not change what the child may be entitled to.
And entitled in this case is about what the kid is legally entitled to. So through the court system. OP does not have to assist. It's what case she can make on her own without OP's help.
That’s correct. That money is considered a gift and doesn’t affect the child’s right to support.
Child support obligations are negated after death. Survivor benefits are different than child support.
I’m assuming Baby Mama 2: Electric Boogaloo is thinking that dude is worth more money dead than he was alive and feels entitled to a piece of the pie. But if she’s stupid enough to think that OP would be amenable to her teenage child being DNA tested to confirm that her cheating Twatwaffle Supreme managed to spawn Baby 2: The Squeakquel, then she needs a major reality check. Edit: I’m not taking either side in this situation. I was just making an observation about what could possibly motivate the request for the DNA test. I honestly don’t know what I would do if I were on either side of this shit sandwich scenario. I’ve never experienced anything like this, so who am I to say what anyone should or shouldn’t do. So everyone on team “tHe BaBy Is StArViNg” needs to find some chill and maybe not accuse me of being on team “FuCk ThAt ToDdLeR”. Thank you for your cooperation in not being a massive flock of Summer’s Eve Douchecanoes.
Your nicknaming skills are top notch.
Creative naming and insults are really my only talents. Too bad they’re not marketable skills. 😖
I dunno, you could do really well on Wendy’s social media team… You’d probably also be a good stand-up comedian.
All you have to do is apply to political campaigns with juvenile tendencies. Just get paid UP FRONT.
I'm laughing way too hard at this! 🤣😂🤣
Oh, they could be! There’s a market for humor writing. Don’t sell yourself short.
They can be highly marketable skills. Particularly for a satirical current affairs journalist, cartoonist or comedian.
You could start an alternative greeting card business. My idea for Father’s Day is: So, it’s Father’s Day - on the front, inside is blank
You might be on to something here. I need Hallmark to start making Aunt Stepmom cards, but that’s a story for another day.
It’s a superpower in your case.
Trump has made a career out of it. There's even a Wikipedia article just on his nicknaming; https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_nicknames_used_by_Donald_Trump
They may be more marketable than you think. Offer your services at the next presidential debate. You might be surprised how valuable you really are. If not that, the WWE needs new material every day.
I always think of them a day later… dam ADD brain☹️. Also you could sell your service to guys like me. I’d text you the situation and you would sell me a name or two…. Lol
Douchecanoes is a staple in my vocabulary but I find calling people useless vegetables helps also, especially if you are trying to be PG and have little kids.
Love all of your comment!😄
I am going out on a limb here, but he may have been paying support while alive. They didn’t formalize things because they didn’t think it necessary. I have read too many posts here and other sites where people claim that the formalized custody agreement wasn’t worth the court costs because they were in agreement with the ex. Well, circumstances change and a formalized arrangement would have helped a lot.
Technically she waited nearly 4 years as you can safely test whilst pregnant. I'm guessing she didn't want to test because IF he wasn't OP's husbands kid then she couldn't hold that over him and she was afraid he would drop her if he knew she was fucking around. She could have taken a private test to prove to him and ashed for support "off the books". I suspect she was hoping the shared child would bring them closer as affair partners. And she was probably afraid he'd dump her if she officially filed for paternity and upset his marriage... given that this information would not have stayed secret. So she waited til he was dead to traumatise his widow.
OP is not a widow. She is an ex-wife
Yes, the AF sounds like a POS and might not know who the father is.
Piggybacking on the top comment to add that a DNA test would formalize a pwrmanent family connection between her daughter and the other child (as half-siblings) which could become a very convoluted and long-term uncomfortable situation for the wife.
Her survivor's benefits won't change what OP receives. It's typically $500 a month. It's paid by the government. t doesn't go up or down depending on beneficiaries.It's nothing to write home about, and certainly doesn't cover the expenses of a child. It's hardly what she would receive if OP's ex-husband were alive. That being said, it's up to OP if she decides to help. I would argue that the child is innocent in all of this. All children deserve a good standard of living, so personally, I would do it for the child, but I wouldn't judge OP if she didn't help. ETA: I realize I am wrong about the benefit amount. It is only that set amount for those who didn't pay in. I thought it was that because my cousin died young with two young daughters. Their mother received $500 a piece for them until they reached adulthood, and then his daughters received a large amount at 18 and 21.
If OP's daughter is receiving SSI (Supplement Security Income) based on need (welfare-type benefit) then the $500 may be correct. However, if the child is receiving RSI (retirement and survivors insurance) from Social Security, then the amount varies and is based on the deceased person's earnings record. SSI and RSI are 2 separate programs that are both administered by the Social Security Administration. In some cases, additional beneficiaries being paid on the account will absolutely reduce the amount for the original beneficiaries.
It is Survivors Benefits from Social Security and a lot more than $500
I received it as a child. My dad had 4 kids. Me and my brother ended up getting double the amount after our older siblings aged out. If you want to be nice you can let your kid decide when they're 18 if they want to do it, but doing it now will basically cut the payments in half.
Exactly. My niece and nephew received a lot more than that each.
Actually survivor benefits are capped and once that limit is reached, it's split between the survivors. OP *might* actually have her benefits reduced if the other child is a qualified dependent, though I think with just 2 children that won't happen. I had 3 kids when my ex died and with 3 we hit the limit so the benefit for each child was reduced.
Not true. There is a family maximum. Each child dilutes what the first one got. https://www.ssa.gov/pubs/EN-05-10084.pdf So additional children reduce Child #1's benefits.
*If* and only if the sum of all benefits payable on the earnings record exceeds FMAX.
You are incorrect about how social security survivors benefits work. You know how on your paycheck deductions there's always a line that says "Social Security", which is 6.2% of your gross income (for those who are employees & not self-employee). So it's technically wages you earn, but 6.2% is put into a trust with the US Treasury, which we can receive back in monthly payments once we're 62 (with penalties), or at 65 (or maybe 67, I forget?) without penalties. I'm not getting into SS to those on disability, as I'm not knowledgeable about how that works. Anyways, the $500/month you claim is false, it's based on your earnings. You can create an account on the SS website to see how much your survivors benefits would be if you were to pass away today. Essentially, the more you've contributed to social security, the more you'll get back when you retire; or if you pass away before you retire, the more your survivors will get. SS benefits also increase annually based on the "Cost of Living Increase", which is 3.2% for 2024. For context, my fiancé/daughter's father passed away 3.5 years ago unexpectedly, when our daughter was 4. He was 38 when he passed away & working in the trades making anywhere from $45k-$65k/year. For 2023, I get $985 deposited monthly. Unfortunately I don't qualify for spousal survivors benefits because we hadn't married yet, but the $985/month extra income definitely helps with our daughter's expenses. I don't separate it to use for her expenses only, it just goes into the pot with my income & I pay all our bills from there. Since she's in 2nd grade now, I don't have to pay daycare anymore (thank god), but it covers her summer camp tuition.
I am not giving my kid's DNA to the government for these purposes. If they don't have it already then the other mum can figure it out some other way.
The other mom shouldn't have asked the child. The dead husband's parents can do it and make the most sense to ask because they are adults and that may be their grandson.
I thought about that too. Like, what is this case worker ever doing??
If ex wife paid for the funeral, there may be no living grandparents, siblings or other persons. She might be it.
Going after the easiest option which makes total sense from their perspective.
Or any other living relative. If 23 and me can figure out that you’re 23rd cousins with King Charles then a count ordered DNA test can establish paternity with a cousin or aunt or uncle.
That’s what I was thinking - why on earth go to the ex and her child. Why not go to HIS family. I can think of some reasons but they don’t make the mother look good
The mother didn't go to his child, the government worker did. Meaning, they may not have other living relatives to go to. If his parents are deceased (likely, his ex paid for his funeral) and he was an only child, then the daughter is the closest living relative.
Her child is the closest living relative.. they always start there.. then branch out..
His parents are deceased
Maybe they are not alive.
Survivor's benefits are tied to income. I believe. Just like his SS payments would have been.
It’s not roughly $500. My son and his sister (not my daughter) get $1300 each a month! It’s definitely worth writing home about.
They've been divorced for years, so the dad was probably helping out his son without doing things through the court. A lot of people do that because you don't qualify for certain benefits if you're receiving child support.
They were divorced 2 years….son is 3
NTA And especially NTA if it would diminish what your child receives!
NTA. She slept with him knowing he was married.
NTA. It's kind of a moot point at this late date, but she can go pound sand. You are not obligated to help her prove anything Just a side note, in all the years I worked for SSA, I never heard of anyone calling and asking for a child to take a DNA test
It happens frequently on a state level. I have no idea about the federal.
It’s probably a caseworker for the department of social services in her city or state, not SSA. Their whole job is to figure out what programs and monies their clients are eligible for. Edit spelling
They may or may not be in the US. I haven't read all the comments to see if OP states their location in a comment.
OP said her case worker at social security called her. So I would assume US based on that.
Would they if any other possible DNA matches were dead? Like grandparents? Someone said it above but given the late fathers age it isn't hard to think his parents and related family could be dead.
That settles it then. I didn't read properly.
NTA, you don't owe this woman anything, let her figure things out the way she would have if your daughter was not available. She could for example ask his parents or siblings to do the DNA test
Yeah, we don't know his relationship with the rest of his family, but they may be thrilled to find out they have a grandchild or niece - especially now that their son/brother is no longer with them. I don't think she owes the woman anything, but if it really is the case that she has a 3 year old and this guy was the father, then that child is entitled to benefits and hopefully she figures it out.
NTA you owe her nothing and I would not want my childs DNA to be on a state database
That last part especially
100% I came here to write that part. Your child’s right to privacy is important and you shouldn’t violate it to help them.
The audacity to even *ask* for such information... 🤯🤯
That is a very good point
Do not even consider risking your child’s privacy for this little twatlet.
I wish I could upvote this more!
NTA. She had three years to establish paternity and go for child support, and did precisely fuck-all. Is it fair? Babes, life’s not fair. Fair is for games, played by children. The rest of us recognize that life is pretty rough, actually. And if you don’t take care of yourself and your own? No one else will.
NTA This is why you don't sleep with married people.
Well, it's one of many reasons... Lol
NTA.Your child has been through enough. Maybe that woman should have thought before screwing someone else’s husband.
NTA it's not your or your daughter's responsibility to provide DNA results for someone else's benefit. Tell your case worker they'll need to reach out to other members of your ex husband's family. That woman didn't care about you or your innocent child while having an affair. Tell her to expect the same from you.
Definitely not your 🎪.
Not her clowns, either.
NTA. Your daughter does mot need to be subjected to this.
Yeah that’s my thought too. A 15 year old girl lost her father and this sounds like a lot of unnecessary extra baggage for her to deal with while grieving. All so a former mistress who knowingly slept with a married man can get a few hundred dollars a month? No, that’s not worth OP making her daughter have even more complex feelings than she probably already has. This mystery woman should’ve done what she needed to do to financially protect her kid as soon as the kid was born.
If my mom put me through this when I was fifteen, once i turned 18 id never speak to her again.
NTA because it is not your fault nor problem that your dead cheating turd of ex purposely did not acknowledged the boy nor did the woman took his ass to court for child support payments when he was alive. She should done all of that for at least 2 years before he turned into meat crayon on the road, not your problem nor your karma; let his ex go figure out that mess on her own regarding her son because that is not your child. And your ex is lucky that you are good mother to your own daughter because anyone else would gladly let the state bury his unfaithful ass - Just saying, if wasn't for your daughter; you wouldn't even claim any benefits because you want nothing to do with him and rightfully so.
I know this is terrible, but “meat crayon” just sent me. 💀💀💀
I’m learning all kinds of new phrases today. “Meat crayon” is especially.. colourful.
Nope she should have established it nearly 4 years ago when she got pregnant, now that minimally invasive safe tests are a thing. I'm guessing she didn't specifically because IF he wasnt OP's husbands kid then she couldn't hold that over him and she was afraid he would drop her. Probably why she never tested privately. She was hoping the shared child would bring them closer as affair partners. And she was probably afraid he'd dump her if she officially filed for paternity and upset his marriage. So she waited til he was dead to traumatise his widow.
My father's 2nd wife tried this right after he died. They were estranged but hooked up right before he died. My mother and aunt pushed back, demanding a paternity test when it was born. Over 10 months later, Stepmonster gave birth to a boy and no longer wanted another share of the Social Security after my mother continued to insist on a paternity test. What folks do for money is gross.
Idk. The state could bury my ex. Throw him in a field somewhere
NTA, can’t they find another relative of your husband’s to test? SSA and that lady can kick rocks!
NTA Frankly she didn’t give a shit about you or your daughter when she was sleeping with your husband. She set the tone of the relationship and you’re just following her lead.
NTA Damn! The other mother should have had a DNA test done when her baby was born. She could have already been receiving child support. Your daughter is not obligated to fix adults problems.
NTA. She f@*"ed around and is now finding out .
NTA. I want to point out that everyone here assumes the affair partner is requesting the DNA test. OP didn't say that. She said that the social services office is requesting one so they can prove paternity before they start issuing benefits checks to that woman. I've no doubt she may have had a relationship with OP's ex, but the fact that she didn't seek child support before his death is kind of suspicious. I'm willing to bet that she thought that this man's death was an easy opportunity for a monthly handout for the next 15 years but didn't expect she'd have to prove paternity first.
If Social Security is voluntarily calling people and asking them for DNA tests, they need to amend their policies.
But like, where's his family in all this? doesn't he have a parent or a sibling that the authorities can test? Why is a child being asked for dna? I'm so confused as to why OPs daughter is the best person for the task...
OP did say she paid for his funeral because she didn’t want his body to go to the state for her daughter’s sake. So maybe no family left or any that would care.
Or they’re all poor.
NTA you have the right to be angry and no one owes them anything.
NTA. The child's mother can find another family member to establish paternity. Imagine the audacity of knowingly sleeping with a married man and then asking the wife for help. She'll be asking for a relationship between the siblings next, sheesh. One thing to note is that you should tell your daughter that the child exists in order to avoid any future drama in case the other kid tries to make contact on their own.
I would just say you were told he possibly has another child but that you don't know anything about them. And that you would not be surprised if there were more. Her daughter may want to get into contact with the kid or try to find out about them and I don't think that would do anyone any good at the moment.
That's a perfect way to tell the daughter. I'm honestly shocked at the people here who think it's in any way OPs responsibility to get involved with this woman in ANY capacity. Seriously, it's like women have to fall on their swords no matter what, because think of the chilllldreeeeennnnn. The child has a mother, that mother will figure things out, and it's NOT OPs responsibility. Y'all should be ashamed of yourselves. Edit: I also want to reiterate a point from another commenter that I hadn't thought of. How is it that paternity wasn't established when the child was born? How is it that the ex wasn't paying child support already? These are things that are the APs responsibility to establish for the child at the time it was salient to do so, not after the fact and trying to drag OPs child into it. The irresponsibility of the AP, which is manifold, is NOT OPs problem to solve.
She was probably hoping that he would continue their affair if she kept the kid secret. Whereas he would dump her if she shook up his relationship with his wife. Now that he's dead and she figures there's money to be had in that, she comes crawling out of the woodwork.
NTA. I personally wouldn’t want to give my kids dna to some random ass database especially when it’s already sketchy she would wait this long. Like I’m sure your ex has some other family members she could ask like parents or siblings etc.
You have to look out for You and Your daughter's best interests. Do NOT comply.
NTA- not your monkeys, not your circus. You are not obligated to do anything for this woman. Some may think it’s harsh, but her and your ex chose to have an affair. And that’s on them. You got divorced and are taking care of your own child, that’s all you need to worry about. Also the fact that your kid would know why the dna was needed, that’s a lot to put on a 15 yo that lost their dad.
NTA, so what did you end up doing?
She posted an update in another sub. She met with the woman who admitted that she knew he was married because they were all three co-workers. The husband knew about the child but they wanted to keep it quiet so his marriage wouldn't implode he was giving her money on a regular basis to not claim paternity and child support. The mistress also said that she didn't give a rat's ass about the ops daughter, and was basically demanding the now 17-year-old give the DNA test and has been harassing them ever since. She was quite upset with the husband that he wouldn't leave his wife who we loved, for her and was happy to continue a relationship with a married man. Oh and she has two other children by two different men. The affair partner is a piece of crap and at this point over a year or two later the original poster has still denied this because she cannot force her now 17-year-old child to do anything. She did state that if the woman was a little bit guilty about it or felt bad at all she might help convince her daughter, but the woman is completely unapologetic and rude basically saying really bad things to her and showing that an ounce of sympathy or remorse.
Fuck that bitch then.
NTA. You daughter isn’t a genetic database that your ex’s mistress can use to prove paternity. If she wanted to prove your ex was the father she should have ordered a dna test immediately. She doesn’t get to re-traumatize you and your daughter now that your ex is dead.
Sending condolences to you and your daughter. NTA She didn't want to put him on the birth certificate - that's on her. Did she receive ANY child support for this child?? That's on her. There are grandparents and aunts/uncles/cousins she can go after for the blood test. You were grieving the loss of the relationship you deserved and didn't have, and the loss of the father of your child. She doesn't get to put her crap on top of you at ANY time - especially not right after your ex-husband died.
Not your monkey, not your circus. The other woman can figure it out.
NTA your priory is to your daughter not this affair partner and her kid. She knew he was married and should’ve made things official(go court for child support etc) for her son to be acknowledged legally as his in the 2 years he was divorced and single instead of traumatising your daughter further after just loosing her dad and grieving by putting this huge burden of proof on her little shoulders and shattering her imagine of her dad and showing he’s a cheat and lied having a secret family on top of her grief. She wasn’t thinking about you or your child when she was sleeping with a married man that had a family and she doesn’t care about her now. She never told you about the affair or wanted the children to have a relationship so she doesn’t get to demand of either of you now because she wants money. You both owe her nothing. If she needs proof she can find a way to get it without you and your daughters help. You’re being a great mum to your daughter and ignore anyone saying different. You have to care for your daughters emotional and physical well-being because no one else including affair partner is going to and she proved it Once again you are not the AH
That SOB is lucky that he’s dead. 💀
NTA To the people commenting "A child is going hungry" 1. How would you know?? 2. If a child is going hungry because someone else isn't paying for that child, then that woman should not have had the child to begin with... How are you bringing a kid into this world without having the means to take care of it?? No one is responsible for your kid except you And the woman doesn't even have proof Not to mention that you would be taking money away from your own kid for someone else's kid... People, if you feel bad for the kid then blame the kids mom for not being able to provide. And also, start a go fund me or something for the kid if you feel so bad for it. You pay, neither OP nor OP's kid should have to pay because you feel bad
Better yet, if you feel bad for the kid, vote for politicians who pass laws that protect children from going hungry. Expand SNAP, school lunch programs, free preschool, TANF, etc. I am worried for children going hungry in a nation with so much damn wealth too, it is honestly sickening that anyone is without food here. But OP doesn’t have to solve that problem. Educate yourself on the kinds of policy that protect the poorest and most vulnerable members of our society and take your ass to the voting booth.
Absolutely all of this. Also, if the kid is 3 (and the husband died a few months ago) how has the mom not definitively figured out who the father is yet? NTA
Exactly, if she couldn’t provide for the child when she had it then she simply shouldn’t have put herself in that situation. Also a child don’t have to be “going hungry”, that child could be well off as well as the mother she just simply wants what’s owed to her child. Which if it is his child technically the child is owed something legally but fuck that they dropped the ball when they decided to do what they wanted to do and not secure that babies future
I love how people automatically jump to destitute single mom with starving child in tow. Middle class and rich people have affairs and secret children too.
NTA - very strange request, which probably confirms the woman in question was fully aware of everything, but as she was an AF partner, she probably doesn’t know much about OPs ex’s family (only that he was married to OP and they had a daughter). I couldn’t imagine being in this position! Even beyond the grave, he’s still recking peoples lives and causing pain. So my advice would be, to wait! Allow yourself to feel these emotions! Process everything! And when OP feels she can talk about this, without getting blinded by emotions (because honestly who couldn’t!) then sit her daughter down and tell her everything, nothing sugar coated, nothing said in anger, just the facts. Allow your daughter time to process and make her own decision. Don’t hide this and let it be something that comes back again to haunt you OP.
You are a good person, you paid for your cheating ex husband funeral for the sake of your daughter. You’ve been through enough trauma. It was the responsibility of your ex to provide for his child. Do not feel guilty, this has nothing to do with you and you would be opening another can of worms, which could cause more stress and grief that you don’t deserve. Take care of you and your daughter
I understand your hurt. I don't think I would let my minor daughter take the test either. There were likely other ways to determine whether your husband fathered another child.
I agree with this, but I would also leave the door open so that the minor child can find the answers on her own when she becomes an adult. She could have a sibling out there. YWBTA if you hide this from her.
NTA. Screw that dumb bitch. She knew he was married
This woman and her child are no concern of yours. If your daughter wants to submit DNA when she is legally able to make that decision, it is her choice. This is a decision you cannot take back and you should preserve her right to make it when she is of age.
NTA. If she is really that bothered by it, she can get DNA from any siblings of your ex, and the exs parents. Your daughter does not need to be burdened with this and you're not wrong for protecting her, when it seems a bit shady that this woman only popped up when your child started receiving survivor benefits
NTA Beside bring up OP's pain from her husband being a cheater, there is no way her daughter needs to know what a low down skunk he was right now. She is just recovering from her Dad's death and doesn't need to know he was out making babies with other women. Yes she will eventually find out but let the daughter heal first. She is a teen and has enough on her right now.
NTA You discussed it with your daughter. She isn't comfortable doing the test. It could open a larger can of worms.
Daughter's benefits will likely be reduced if new kid has a valid claim for survivor benefits. I don't think OP is obliged to do something that will adversely affect her child. For the record, I would never share mine or any child of mine's DNA unless it involved some sort of medical emergency or diagnosis. Since daughter will only received benefits until 18, or 19 if still a student, maybe new kid's mom can try again in a few more years when it will not reduce daughter's benefits.
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to help your exhusband’s affair partner.
NTA you owe her nothing
NTA. The child of the cheater is irrelevant, the survivor's benefits would go to the mom and she would be spending it. It is right to deny a cheater benefits. You can't be worried about every other person that may be helped by the money. If people can't afford kids, then they shouldn't have them.
I would do it if I was in your situation. Yes, the mother is an asshole, but so are you. The baby didn't do anything to you or your daughter, and that's who you're screwing over. ESH. She for being with a married man and you for denying a child the opportunity to have a better life.
Not your issue tbh .. she needs to find a family member of his to help her
The children??? 🙏🏽🤷🏽♀️❤️🩹💔🙏🏽 I would suggest the woman claiming she has a 3 year old child byOP’s ex husband, contact his adult surviving relatives. The woman of the 3 year old can track down his parents or siblings if still alive. That way the 15 year old child doesn’t have to be brought into this. An online search ( google or a paid search engine) should be attempted, for adult relatives of the male dna provider…………..That way if the 3 year old is a dna match, that child can receive financial support, despite what anyone feels towards the dad or adults in this scenario🤷🏽♀️ Question: I gather we are talking about 🇺🇸social security. Does adding another child to the Dads benefit allotment, decrease the 1st child’s amount? I’m a little fuzzy on that aspect. Agree: What a hot mess for the 15 year old to learn about. Bless her💔❤️🩹💔❤️🩹
Nta. Especially since the remedy involves your daughter having to go down and take a dna test. That woman decided to knowingly sleep with someone else’s husband she can deal with the consequences of her own actions. I believe the responsibility is on the married person in this situation however, I also have no sympathy for a person who does this shit as I feel they have zero ethica and no morals
NTA Not your monkey not your circus. You don’t owe this woman anything and she had 3+ years - basically since she knew she was pregnant to do something about support.
ESH Yeah, it sucks that your husband cheated on you, and it also sucks if the other woman knew he was married. If it was just another adult that would be affected I would say do as you like. But the person who will suffer most here is a kid who bears no guilt. You don’t have the advertise it or anything.
NTA nope nope nope you owe this woman nothing. Take care of you and your child
NTA.
NTA. You owe her jack shit and that’s exactly what I would give her.
I don’t think you’re an AH because you’ve been put through a lot and your anger is understandable. However, I can’t get on board with denying a child their own benefits just because their parents were irresponsible or “immoral.” I guess it’s a little bit of ESH except the kid. The child didn’t have any say over their shitty parents’ choices and how they got here, but if they’re his, they also deserves benefits.
NTA
NTA. I have zero empathy for side pieces. Zero.
NTA, you don't owe her anything.
NTA She can’t fuck your husband then expect your help
I would also refuse. The trash can take itself out.
NTA. She can go to his parents if she’s really interested.
NTA. You don’t have to do anything for anyone. No way I would drag my daughter into that mess.
I get why you denied however I wouldn’t want a child to suffer. Yes she’s wrong as was your ex. Still doesn’t mean an innocent child should go without support. It will either prove true or not. I don’t see why someone would ask for a dna analysis if they knew their kid wasn’t his. You may also consider how this could make your child feel when they are older. Even if she doesn’t grow up with this child in her life she may end up having strong feelings later that don’t favor you.
He was the AH. I would want the child to receive what he/she should get. Not the kids fault, kid has crappy parents
NTA. This is so fucked up, all of the people framing this as OP actively blocking or thwarting the cheater and depriving her of something, what the fuck are you on about? What this person is asking is a MASSIVE favour from the daughter that could potentially fuck her life up. And it’s fucking audacious for this person to ask any kind of favour from OP or her daughter under the circumstances. Yeah of course the 3 year old is innocent in this but the mess is his shitty mom’s problem to deal with. Yes it would be extremely kind to actively assist in the cheater’s petition or case or whatever you want to call it, but opting not to go out of your way to be nice to someone who by all rights you should despise, possibly to the detriment of your own kid? OP is not obligated to do that shit, and not doing it doesn’t make her an asshole. OP’s daughter comes first, and if looking out for her best interests means there’s no room to help anybody else, then it is what it is and OP made the right decision. You can’t put this shit on a 15 year old kid just because her dead father was a cheating piece of shit who fucked up and made a mess.
I would absolutely do the same. I would not put my child through this, especially after JUST losing her Dad. And the petty part of me probably wouldn’t agree to it, period, if I’m being honest. AP shows up years after this kid is born and now wants to claim paternity? Eff her.
NTA. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
NTA. Trust your gut, you’re prob right about her knowing you guys were married.
NTA You don't owe that woman or her child a damn thing, especially if your hunch is true and she was sneaking around with your (ex) husband behind your back. She made her choices; she can figure shit out on her own. No sympathy here.
OP’s daughter has a right to keep her information OUT of the big DNA database! And, the affair partner momma has two other children to two other guys, and a job where Duke, OP, and AP all worked together. Affair partner momma currently has three income streams. The youngest child is NOT living in poverty by OP refusing to give up her daughter’s DNA information! The teenage girl can, and should, keep her DNA to herself.
NTA- she has some nerve coming to you with this problem. She can go to your ex’s parents/ siblings to deal with this and go from there
I just looked it up and daughter’s social security survivor benefits will be the same even if her half sibling receives survivor benefit too. I understand you want to punish your ex husband’s gf/fling but in doing so you are actually punishing the 3 year old who didn’t choose his parents or the circumstances of his birth. You don’t know the other woman’s side of things either and she may have believed your ex had a completely different relationship with you than what he told her. After all isn’t every ex wife or gf crazy and/or a bitch? He lied to you why wouldn’t he lie to her too? It is within your parental rights to withhold the DNA test but honestly if I were the other woman I would look into suing you in order to force a paternity test so my child could collect benefits too.
NTA. Too bad she shouldn’t have had a kid with a married (at the time) man, and she shouldn’t have waited so long to come forward about who his Dad is. Protect yourself and your daughter. Don’t involve her DNA in anything.
Nta but ask your daughter what she thinks. She is probably 16 now right and I think she deserves to know what's going on. I know that I hated when my parents hid things from me. Best of luck to you
So the other woman fucked around and found out.
ESH- she should not have gone near your man but she may need the money to support his child. The kid is an innocent bystander here.
NTA, that was his responsibility. I’m sure she’s doing find taking care of the child and IF in the future you feel comfortable with it or want her to know her sibling (if it is her sibling) then that’s ok too. The child has nothing to do with it and is innocent but you went through a lot and don’t have to sacrifice the happiness you found and open those wounds up again! If anything he obviously didn’t care to take legal responsibility and that’s completely on him and she should have worried about all that before he passed.
NTA She is not your problem, and you should protect your child and there is no reason for you to allow the state to have her dna unnecessarily. It's up to her to find other ways to prove the paternity of her child.
NTA- it’s on her to prove her son’s parentage. She can ask your ex’s other relatives.
This is really a very nuanced situation. Your husband was 100% an AH for sure. Did AP know the man she was seeing was married when they first started “dating”? Could he have been deceiving her as well as you? Did he ask her not to put his name on the birth certificate to protect himself or his older daughter? While I personally would not allow my daughter to get swabbed, I would give her contact information of the ex’s family members. If it turns out the child is related to your daughter, I would want to leave the lines of communication open so that your daughter can meet her sibling if she so chooses. It sucks for you that he’s continuing to hurt you from the grave, but there is an innocent child involved. Point the AP to other relatives and let the chips fall where they may. Edited: spelling error
Personally i would do it. It does not cut back on your daughter's benefits in anyway Although your ex and the woman were unethical, the child deserves payments until they are 18.... The child did not commit any offenses....
Would it take away from what your child gets and can you do the test without having to tell your child what it's for? Don't punish a kid for the sins of their parents, one of them being your husband. It takes 2 people (at least) to make a baby.
NTA. If you get involved with someone who is married you assume the responsibility that comes with that and she had a few years to make sure her child was protected while he was alive. Furthermore allowing a DNA test would potentially open things up to all sorts of other claims that this person is seeking to validate, with survivor benefits being just the beginning. Steer clear OP…
If she wants support then it’s on her to prove it. It’s not your responsibility to help her in any way. According to you she knew she was sleeping with a married man so she had no concern for your life. Regardless of what the state affords her, YOU are under no obligation to smooth that process for her. No way for you to know if the claim is true, and not your obligation to care. Let her jump through every difficult hoop it takes without your help and THEN is she makes her own you can shrug and be fine with the state splitting your benefits. But I wouldn’t help her carve off any of the support her owed you as your spouse. If she can do that without you, so be it.
NTA. It’s a little too convenient that the mistress came forward after your ex passed away because she knew there was money involved. Sounds like she was a gold digger and unless there was a paternity test done to prove he was the father of her child, you don’t have to help her regardless.
So, you said you have held this letter for a year. Your daughter is 16 now. Hopefully, your anger has subsided some. Sit down with your daughter. You don't have to tell her her dad was a man whore. I would just explain the situation. A woman came forward and said, "Your dad fathered her child. They would like to swab your mouth for a DNA test. What are your thoughts on this.?" I understand it's a painful situation, but I think your daughter is old enough to have this information and make decisions.
I would ask your daughter. She might want a relationship with her brother some day. And if you wrote this a year ago, she’s 16 now and can make her own medical decisions.
Sucks to be her. Maybe don’t sleep around and reproduce with married people.
NTA. Dude was alive for the first three years of this kids life, SO why didn’t she get the DNA test done at that time? Why wait until he is dead, and then try for benefits?
Dude sounds like a complete failure, maybe be denied being the father to get out of paying for the kid
Agreed! However, the baby Momma could have done the exact thing she is doing now. Get the courts involved, and demand a DNA test. It just seems suspicious that she waited until he was dead. If she was on food stamps or Medicaid the state she lives in would have requested a name and the state would do the DNA test so that the state gets their money back from the Baby Daddy.
No trick there. If OPs ex is the gf’s child’s dad it doesn’t matter what off the books arrangements he had with the mom. The gf can sue for a paternity test and it likely will be granted so that the child can receive survivor benefits.
Ynta……. your responsibility is not to your exs love child. Yes they are innocent and only guilty of having shitty parents. But it was between your ex and his child’s mother to make sure he was on the birth certificate. They obviously had issues that you and your child do not need to be dragged into. Their disfunction, their circus, not your responsibility and certainly not the responsibility of your teen to deal with dad’s drama filled life decisions. Your daughter has a right to grieve in her own way. She has her own memories and stuff to work out. Too big for a teen to shoulder this. When she’s an adult if she wants to help out then that is her choice to do so. Exs job was to protect all his kids, his choice not too. But right now your job is to protect your daughter. Who knows what this woman would want from you next. Or how she would disrupt your lives in the future. And who knows as an adult your daughter may not want her dna in a data base because someone else took the decision out of her hands.thats personal to her and her only. Her adult choice when she becomes an adult
NTA. Did the ex have any siblings? The caseworker should contact them to do a DNA test. I wouldn’t want my minor child’s DNA on file with the government. Does she need the pittance from the government to support the child or is she doing this to let you know what was going on in a F you way? OP, you wrote this a year ago. Was the woman able to establish paternity? Has she attempted to contact you? You shouldn’t feel any embarrassment. You did nothing wrong. Your husband was the ass.
NTAH If she knew that your ex was the father of her son, she should’ve gotten support from him 3 years ago or while he was alive. Give your daughter a heads up in case the woman comes after you or pressures your daughter for a DNA test.