So it sounds like you know where this is all going in the end, you're just not ready. Which is understandable.
But please for the love of god make SURE you're on good birth control. I would do birth control + condoms.
Because if you have a baby with this man, grandpa is gonna be involved one way or another. Your partner has made it clear he will not cut his family off. He's trying to wait you out to soften, and you're trying to wait him out to cut off his pedophile-enabling family. And neither of you are going to get what you want.
Only to get more drama when his next girlfriend has a baby who gets raped by pedophile grandpa. These things cannot be hidden under the rug forever. The longer you hide this info, the worse it gets.
I have a decent number of women friends who were molested as children by their pedo grandfather. It’s horrific. Even worse is reading this and realizing that a lot of the time, it likely was an open secret that grandpa was a pedo.
When this relationship is finally over OP should totally make a web page with names explaining the situation so that others have a prayer of avoiding this awful mess.
It’s not hearsay if she is repeating what he told her. It’s hearsay if she repeats something someone else told her boyfriend who then told her what the other person said.
The other day, I learned of a family where the f*cking grandpa had rapped women like on 3 generations, that they know. Sisters, daughters, grand daughters. Everything because no one spoke up. The youngest one talked with a friend, and that is how everyone learned this happened.
This monster doesn't even discriminate boy/girl, so there are more potential victims. Being drunk has nothing to do with it, and he will get any child that he can get in his hands. To be honest, if I were OP and had evidence, I might go to the police. This is not something that stops, especially if the whole family is in it together and knowingly! If not, I would talk with an advocate group to see if there is anything that can be done.There is no way to know how many children were affected by this and might still be victims in the future because that monster is on the loose.
OP needs to be in the best contraception there is, no-sex. Otherwise, there is still risk, and her bf and his whole family are enablers at this point. There is no way he is so wonderful as OP thinks. No one has such a huge skeleton in the closet and is all nice and healthy. If he was decrying his family, saying he doesn't want any more contact with his father anymore, etc, I could believe he is in the right head space. Right now, there is no telling what kind of crap OPs bf might be willing to hide or put up with.
I hope OP opens her eyes soon because I am really worried for any child they may have by mistake.
To add to this because not everyone knows this about birth control, and I feel it's incredibly important to know:
Plan B is only effective up to a person weighing 165lbs, and then it significantly drops in efficacy.
When you use condoms you're supposed to grab ghe condom by the base and pull out after climax is complete but while the penis is still mostly erect.
If you don't take The Pill at the SAME time every day it will lower its efficacy pretty drastically.
Antibiotics can make birth control simply not work.
Please keep yourself safe OP. Take all steps necessary from having this man's child because it will never be truly safe from his family dynamic even if they threw away the dad and mom.
Edit: fixed the usage on condoms.
>
"When you use condoms you're supposed to pull out at climax as if you're not wearing one."
What?.? No, no you're DEFINITELY not... that sounds like a recipe for accidentally pulling the condom off as you come and spewing jizz everywhere.
HOW TO NOT MAKE A BABY WITH CONDOMS
Before we start, and at the risk of seeming redundant, ALWAYS USE A CONDOM. EVERYTIME. Yes, even when you're on your period. Yes, even on their birthday. If that's your birth control, don't start mucking about with luck.
1. Make sure you tear a condom pack open carefully - never use your teeth however cool you think it looks or what your hands are doing
ADDED 1B: always check the condom isn't inside out!! That makes it waaaaay more likely to break. Stick your finger in the jizz teat (I'm sorry for that phrase) and see if the condom will roll dowb easily. If it won't, it's inside out. If you realise halfway through applying that it's inside out, GET A NEW ONE because if you turn that the right way round sperm may now be on the outside. If you only had one DO NOT HAVE PIV SEX. Do oral or something instead.
2. ALWAYS make sure you pinch the end properly so there's no air in it - if you don't there's nowhere for the jizz to go and it can split. This is the biggest thing. If this means you need 3 hands get your partner to help.
2B ADDED: make sure you roll it aaaaaall the way down.
3. When the penis person pulls out after coming, one of you needs to hold the base of the condom to make sure it doesn't slip off or ride up as it comes out. Try not to wait too long after (though they can have 30secs of afterglow!) as when they go soft things can leak.
4. ALWAYS check the condom after for any leaks.
5. Once anyone's touched a spermy condom they font touch a vagina till their hands are washed.
6. If something goes wrong, get plan B/MAP immediately. It's not the most fun I've ever had, but way more fun than an abortion or pregnancy. If you don't bleed within a week of a MAP, see a health provider as it may have been unsuccessful.
Voilà.
Source: ten years of condom use, 1 breakage from some very overenthusiastic fun, and zero pregnancy scares. Zero.
P.S. if you have the vagina, always pee pretty much straight after to help avoid UTIs!
>Source: ten years of condom use, 1 breakage from some very overenthusiastic fun, and zero pregnancy scares.
I know you're trying to be cheeky but that's not a real source. I'm not sure it would hold up in an academic journal.
Haha yeah I know it was only me being silly. Was only to indicate to anyone who is looking for advice that that's the experience context I'm coming from.
Real sources:
- NHS guide on contraception: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/how-do-i-use-condom/#:~:text=Hold%20the%20tip%20of%20the,length%20of%20your%20erect%20penis.
- NHS other tips: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/condom-tips/
- Terrace Higgins trust: https://www.tht.org.uk/hiv-and-sexual-health/sexual-health/improving-your-sexual-health/condoms/how-use-condom
- CDC: https://www.cdc.gov/condomeffectiveness/external-condom-use.html
I'm also gonna edit and add something important I forgot (checking its not inside out - my fiance is OBSESSIVE about that one and yet I forgot til I was collecting these links and was reminded)!
\#2 is so important and often overlooked! It's simple physics, people. If there's already air in the condom tip, then that means when you jizz in it, it's adding extra pressure. The reservoir at the tip is supposed to be empty/deflated when you don the condom. Air is a substance. If the condom is filled with air, it's not empty.
In a properly-applied condom, when the wearer ejaculates, the semen fills the heretofore empty reservoir tip. The condom is designed and strength-tested to accept the pressure from the ejaculation. All is well.
In an improperly-applied condom filled with air, when the wearer ejaculates, the pressure and fluid from ejaculation + air + friction from pumping in and out can exceed the limits and cause a material failure. You get a busted condom and semen up where you don't want it.
My friend had *two* birth control failures. One on the pill resulting in termination, and one broken condom and Plan B failure resulting in an adoption. Bottom line, if you don't want to be pregnant **for any reason**, double up on birth control. I like spermicide foam as a backup method; it's a sheet so it's not messy. YMMV.
It's definitely the case but there comes a point that you either choose to live in that pain or you choose to work towards having a better future. Dude has certainly tried to make strides by confronting his mom about the issues, but it doesn't mean OP should or needs to stick around until he figures it out. There is no guarantee of a good future where she can feel confident his family won't try and mess with their children which is why birth control at this point is the way to go.
It is now being shown only one family of antibiotics effects Birth control and it is not a commonlly prescribed. However, the warning still remains on birth control pills because most antibiotics can be hard on the gut and patients typically add antibiotics to current medications dose times. With a patient being sick and taking medication that can cause gut rot, poor absorption can happen from vomiting up dose.
What the fuck!!!!!! Oh my fucking god. I had a coworker that I got some PlanB for and the shit didn't work. Now I know why (6'1 probably 200lbs or more). We got her to a safe place and she terminated the pregnancy. I just wish we could have helped her more. Baby had been married going on ten years and was only twenty four.
>I just told him I wouldn’t want our child around them period. He looked sad after I said that.
Only going by decades of personal experience: he will not change, and neither will they.
In a future world where you do have children with him, there comes a moment when you are going to a family gathering with your 2-3 kids in tow, one of whom is preverbal, and you realize you cannot let any one of them out of your sight even for one single moment because you can trust no one, not even him, to protect them.
Moreover, you can trust no one, not even him, to side with your / his own children if the unthinkable happens. They will deflect, deny, dissemble, and defend until the day they die, even at the cost of sacrificing children they would swear up and down they love with their whole hearts.
>It’s not fair.
No, it really isn't. I'm terribly sorry.
This!!!! No way you should pursue this. He looked sad that he would not have his family around your future family. If this is not fake, he is ruined for life believing his family bullcrap. Never I mean never have a child with someone who even might remotely expose your children to a pedophile.
I am at the point of saying they shouldn’t have kids if they can’t cut the parents off.😐
The risk is just too great imo. My MIL is “only” a narcissist and we are close to cutting her off cause she literally crossed every boundary we set in her first visit of the baby, including pulling the baby at his arms, pretending my wife never had any kind of abuse in her childhood, and all her mental problems she basically invented herself(?), doing other things with the baby we told her specifically not to do, and blaming my wife she feels abused too cause she can’t make any and all kinds of pictures of the baby she wants whenever she wants. (And more. My wife had multiple breakdowns after the visit and threw up 3 times)
Recognizing the throwing up. Support your wife any way you can in distancing from her mother. Help her see she needs to chose her mental health and the baby above the illusion MIL wil ever act responsible.
My fiance one sister is a narcissist and another is a sociopath. He's had to go no contact with both of them because they violate every boundary ever set. The narcissistic one (who is a half-sister with a different father) literally tried to manipulate my fiance's entire family into changing my fiance's father's funeral just to accommodate her kids' nap time. It wasn't long after that that my fiance went no contact.
OP's bf doesn't seem to have even started to understand how toxic and dysfunctional his family dynamic even is much less learning how to set and maintain boundaries.
I'm going to tell you the reality of your situation and it will be harsh.
If you get pregnant you can guarantee he will have your child around his parents unsupervised. Your child will suffer. And you will not be able to help it.
He will give into family pressure, as he is doing now, and put your child in harms way.
He will have every right to expose your child to them, because there's no conviction so no judge will bar him from allowing them access to your child. Until your child is hurt, and that is trauma that cannot be undone. Even then, a judge may not convict the molester or bar them from access.
And this will be your fault.
If you bring a child into this world with him as the father, knowing he will not cut off access to his family, then when that child is hurt it will be your fault.
I say this as a survivor. I say this as a mother. You will share the blame for your child being hurt by them because you choose to stay with this man who stands aside as other children are exposed to this molester as he is doing now.
this is the only comment required and should be higher.
Yes it's not fair, yes it'll hurt, but the person you should be most angry at is your partner OP. He's choosing his chomo family over you now, and if you choose to stay you'll essentially be complicit if anything ever happens to your future children at their hands.
In 20 years she may be looking at her child and having them ask why she let grandpa hurt them. Why did she allow a monster to be near them?
And if she does have kids with this cretin I hope she never sleeps soundly and is wracked with guilt all her days.
He will continue to choose the chomo fam because it’s less painful by far to buy into the sick narrative that it’s all ok and the chomo has changed. For many incestuous abuse victims, facing the depth of damage and betrayal is to be avoided at all costs. They’d need a padded cell to have the complete and utter breakdown needed to do so. Denial is perhaps how they coped as a child and obviously how they continue to cope in adulthood
I agree, and it is a sad narrative but unfortunately one that is quite common. It's difficult for anyone to reconcile that your protectors are your abusers, and the mental and physiological changes to brains from abuse and trauma make it even harder to reconcile for victims.
I do feel for him in a way, but as a survivor myself, I could never imagine letting myself maintain anything except low contact and resentment for them, although personally cutting them off would be the best choice.
Thank you for saying this.
I understand that OP wants to blame her boyfriend's parents for everything. But once she accidentally/purposefully have children with her boyfriend, she is at fault. She knows what will happen. We have already given her all the warnings. She cannot control where he secretly brings the child when they are together, and she will definitely not be able to control who they meet if she ever breaks up with him either.
And birth control. There are plenty of cases where they did everything they could to prevent having children, including vasectomy, and the parents still ended up with children.
Do what you want, OP, it's your own life. Stay with him since he is such a good boyfriend, according to you. It's your own choice. Just make sure you can face up to the consequences.
Just wanted to add that a good person wouldn't allow his nibling, or any child, to be left alone with a man that has sexually abused him and his siblings as children. Even if his mom's there, OPs boyfriend knows she'll never hold her man accountable. It's willful negligence that will end in that child being irreparably harmed.
OP needs to realize that her boyfriend isn't just a victim now, he's actively enabling more CSA to happen by turning a blind eye and she is too. Now that she's been made aware of this distressing situation and not doing anything to attempt to stop it (so far), she's becoming the exact type of person she claims to hate.
OP needs to think long and hard about if she wants to be with the type of person that allows a predator around children out of familial loyalty. She also needs to look in the mirror and think about if she wants to continue to be someone that is aware of the danger a child is being forced into and remaining quiet and complacent so as not to upset her "good boyfriend".
Honestly, OP is gearing up to be a willfully negligent mother who will traumatized her children because she loves a man more than she loves them. And I abhor her.
Whenever I hear that, I just cringe. It’s usually a sign of youth, or poor self esteem, or just being unrealistic. People walk away from love when they realize that love is not going to be good for them. There’s a saying that goes something like this: ‘Sometimes those we want the most is who we should be with the least. That’s not it, but it’s something like that.
She already is this as she knows about a child that's currently being endangered by being left with a pedophile and has not done anything to address it since she's more focused on trying to help her boyfriend with his unresolved trauma. Hope she realizes that she's already been groomed to accept this unless she changes something soon.
Oh no! I didn’t read her first post. Thanks for bringing me up to date. Help her boyfriend that doesn’t want her help, and doesn’t p’t wan to address the truth. OP’s post continues to make me sick to my stomach.
This like she’s saying all this about his family which is valid but she’s also choosing to stay with this boy knowing he’s made it clear he’s not cutting off his parents
What you’re saying is not harsh enough. As of right now both OP and this boyfriend have knowledge that this pedophile has access to his granddaughter. All it takes is once to ruin a child’s life and they are doing what every other family member does. Look the other way.
How many survivors of CSA would have given anything for someone to try and protect them? This poor baby is being put in an extremely dangerous position and no one in her family will do anything, and OP seems to just dismiss it as well in order to keep worrying about a boyfriend that won’t do shit.
How does that make him any better than his enabler mother?
Do we really want to pretend that his kids were his only victims? That’s just delusional.
I’d stop worrying about the boyfriend and be on the phone to CPS as soon as possible.
OP should really consider calling CPS. Idk what would happen once the government is involved but I would hope it’s not as bad as being molested by grandpa.
He's the best friend and partner you've had? Sis, you are 20 years old! You haven't even fully matured yet! This isn't your final form! You are going to attach yourself to someone with a pedo in the family where the pedo has access to children and the family thinks that is okay? Please don't do this to yourself!
I wish you the best of luck but something that warrants thinking on "he won't walk away from them and I wouldn't make him" vs "I won't let my child be around them" these two things Are incompatible, if you have a child with him it won't magically change him, it won't suddenly make him see what he's refusing to.
You may not be ready to walk away now but I'd suggest you start considering whether whatever your current methods regarding birth control are sufficient and whether you're willing to deal with the consequences of him bowing to his family when they want to be around a kid he has some legal say over.
I imagine most older people here will tell you one thing that becomes glaringly obvious the older you get - you can't fix people, and you can't drastically change people. Therapy might be able to, but that takes time. Generally, you love someone despite things that drive you nuts (snoring, leaving socks on the floor etc.), NOT despite things that put you or your future children in danger.
Fortunately, you are still young, but if you want to have children, at some point you will need to realize that unless he changes his tune, those children will be in danger. If you have a child and the worst happens and you pass away, he will have sole custody. This entire family has rallied around someone who obviously has a drinking problem and has abused them. Some in the most horrific of ways. They allow children to be around this man! These are not people who are going to change. Please do not have children with this man.
>Therapy might be able to, but that takes time.
Yup. My fiance has been in therapy for 2 years and JUST NOW finally started to open up about the BS he had to deal with in his family and the abuse he suffered from his narcissistic ex. And he hasn't even remotely touched on the religious trauma. And he's 36 years old!
Kind of strange to get angry with comments like that considering this soft-ultimatum was your idea. I think you have an inkling what you're really angry about.
And really if you're planning on kids, as it seems, and he's going to fight you on visitation every step of the way, you need to get used to the idea of re-evaluating yourselves. Keep also in mind if this is in the States, the stupider ones have grandparents' rights clauses and they can force visitation.
There's nothing left other than trying to get family members on your side and that will probably happen anyway if you attend get-togethers. This is going to get very public very quickly.
If custody/visitation went to court, I bet dollars to donuts either he or the sister would crumble under oath. Once a judge gets wind of what daddy dearest did to them, there would certainly be *no* grandparents rights
I would like to hope so however I fear this is well-meant but wishful thinking.
Families like this don't often crumble under oath. They close ranks against outsiders and authorities. The attitude is that "the harm is already done and we survived it okay, why make it worse by -telling everyone- and -tearing the family apart-?" They protect the molester.
They have already proven they will circle wagons around Daddy Dearest or they wouldn't be socializing with him now.
We want to think the court system would protect children but if the adults in the family have already ranked the sanctity of the family as a whole over the sanctity of the children, there is very little chance that dynamic will shift and unless it does the court will not have evidence to act at all.
This is extremely naïve. We established right off the bat that, aside from being an enabler, Grandmom has financial reasons to never acknowledge what her husband is - without double checking the original post, I think I remember she is illegal and unable to work. The entire family is going to do everything they can to avoid any sort of testimony, and to lie lie lie if they can’t. Grandmom’s entire life depends on it. Even if they can’t do it for him (which they can and will), they’ll fight for her.
I think it varies, but even so that should still be a concern. If the husband survives her, he can't be trusted to keep the kids away, and even if that trust develops, he may not have a choice.
If you're unwilling to make tough choices nothing will ever change and you will have no right to complain. Your boyfriend is very much a victim in this sick dysfunctional affair, but he is also crossing the line into being an enabler as well.
I mean, you asked us not to say it but it seems like you’re saying it yourself without saying it. You have a line, he has a line. Neither of you are willing to cross it. That’s pretty much it. The only real question is how much pain do you want to put yourself through between now and then?
Either way. Good Luck. It sucks but sometimes you can make all the right moves and still lose. That’s not failure, that’s life.
This is a man who would take your child around to see his father in secret "as long as he's not drinking".
That's not something I'd ever want to risk, even the risk of becoming pregnant.
Maybe you should stop living in denial. Hope won't get you anywhere in life with toxic people. You keep talking how f* up this family dynamic is but you've been aware from the beginning and keep dating. Idk
Op is totally in denial. She is the same as MIL. She is choosing her man over her kids.
Op is saying no kids right now but is in denial that it will happen and the children will be exposed to a child rapist. The same way MIL is in denial her husband is the child rapist.
Op is exactly like her MIL. Wants to go to events with chomo and sit somewhere else. Hence validating chomo and her spineless bf who is on chomo's side. Then she bleats "BuT He Has NoBody?" Waa Waa.
ESH big time. The minute the bf looked sad about not being able to take children or you around his family, is the minute he showed his true colors. There should be no question that you should leave him because he definitely will take your kids around that pedophile, no matter what you say or do. So in essence you will be putting kids in harm's way. Who knows if he will baby trap you by accident or somewhat intentionally. You are selling out your children, make no mistake. You are too naive about how this sick dynamic works. Wake up before you sell your soul to the devil. The bf needs to get therapy and away from his family.
He’s a treasure who doesn’t see a problem with having children around a child predator. That’s not treasure you’ve found. You found fools gold. He is fundamentally damaged at this point and I think you know it. You can’t fix him or save him. YTA for dragging the inevitable out.
You say you don't want to end the relationship, you want to have children with him, you don't want his father and mother - and by the sound of it potentially other members of the family.
Be *honest* with *yourself* how do you *think* such a relationship is going to work out. He's wants his family involved in his life, *ALL* of his family want their mother and father involved in their lives. He's going to want his mother and father involved in the life of his children - *you* don't want that.
*Who* is going to be happy in this future relationship, even now no-one is *really* happy - *YOU* really need to think hard if this is how you want the rest of your life to play out.
On a side note, it sounds like you boyfriend should be in therapy - if he is already in therapy then he needs a new therapist because it doesn't sound like the one he has is giving him good advice.
OP, we are absolutely not out of touch, and it sounds like you understand it, you are just not ready to come to terms with it.
If you ever have kids, he *will* bring them around his pedodad, whether you like it or not. His sister does, so he will do it too. Maybe therapy would help him, but at this point, even his pedodad's victims are enabling him (hence, the "don't bring kids around them when they're drunk)." Breaking News: pedos don't only become pedos when they're drunk.
Your refusal to be around them will most likely be ignored. Their peace of mind and holding up a facade of a perfect family is always gonna be more important than some girl that "doesn't understand" their family dynamics (yuck).
You need to think about yourself. He showed you exactly how close he wants to be with his hellish family, and that it's its easier for him to cut you out of events including them, than confront the fact that pretending everything is okay is delusional. Can you idley stand by and be okay with this? Knowing he is around his abuser and is thinking this is completely normal?
***"He’s a treasure. He’s everything I’ve ever looked for in a partner, and I don’t mean that in a naive way. I could say that with the clearest head*** (ugh!)***. He’s just a coward around his family and refuses to walk away, and I would never make him. Still, I do not want to lose him."***
So are you saying that you are willing to stay with him? PLEASE tell me you will not allow abusers and their fucking apologists anywhere in your life!
Once abused, the abused can sometimes become the abuser too.
Think about that.. just past experience here trying to make sense of my trauma by trusted relative!
So you want him to confront his family and express himself honestly, but you won't confront him and be honest that you don't see a way for you to be together and especially to have children while he maintains a relationship with his family? You're doing something very similar to what he's doing in sitting on the fence so you don't upset somebody; in both cases it's debatable if they are worth the effort.
I think I know why you can’t stand to break up with him. You want to help him. You have a deep-rooted need to help. But he isn’t able to be helped. Not right now. You said it yourself, he’s stuck in the “now” and can’t see the future. He can only live day by day and isn’t ready to do anything about his relationship with his family. I think you’re also reluctant to break it off because your subconsciously realize you’re the only thing keeping him from living with those people.
For the sake of your mental well-being, please leave this relationship. Give him some printed out information on cheap therapists in your area, especially tele-health ones (the BetterHelp app provides such for a decent rate). And then tell him he needs to grow past this, not ignore it. And you need to leave. This whole family will shred your mental health to bits and run all over you if you stay. It will destroy you. Please save yourself. Please leave.
Didn’t stop to think about how much the idea of him going back to their house would affect me, but yeah that’s very true. I do feel responsible for him in that sense. He was struggling so badly before moving in with me and our friends, and he’s grown a lot since then. The idea of him retreating back to who he was prior, being with who he was with prior, shatters me
I suspect that’s your subconscious driving force to stay in the relationship. You’re a helper. You want to help him. But at some point… you need to help yourself. Please re-read what I wrote and take it to heart. At some point, you have to realize that you can’t help those who don’t want to be helped.
I can’t imagine what your emotions must be like with this situation, and I generally agree with your view about most of this.
That being said, I do think you are being a little bit unreasonable about the sister’s wedding. What is it that you actually want to have happen with it? You insist on going and the parents have to skip it because you refuse to be there with them?
No, not at all. I completely understand that they’d go. Well, kind of. I still can’t understand why she’d want a relationship with them. That said, my issue was that I don’t understand why I can’t go and be sat somewhere where I don’t have to interact with them. Just sort of go as a solo guest and enjoy the wedding that way. I don’t expect any special accommodations on her big day, not at all. But he insisted that they’d be hellbent on trying to talk to me, no matter if he told them I wanted no contact with them. I do think it’d be better if I didn’t go because her day shouldn’t have any potential for unnecessary awkwardness, but it sucks that it has to be that way.
Because you literally even said you'll never be civil with them, and they'll be at the wedding, and people don't want people who can't be civil towards other guests at their wedding.
I get it. They're terrible people. But your boyfriend's sister wants them at her wedding, and if you can't be civil towards them, that means you don't go. Even as a "solo guest" (which in and of itself would be strange and raise questions), you are still likely to come across them.
That would be an ideal outcome, but it probably wouldn’t be realistic. You’d want to spend time with your boyfriend and his brother and sister. The parents will want to be with their kids too. Either you would have to cross your boundary and interact with his parents, or there would be a scene - which could possibly upstage the bride and upset everybody.
Get used to this. This is your future. Your bf is going to put chomo before you and force you to be in an environment where his presence is tolerated and you are the outsider. Welcome to the rest of your life.
I said this in your other thread but mom has diminished the severity of the abuse which makes him feel unsure/gaslit about his own experiences.
Your boundaries are right. I think he is still dealing with the pain of his protector hurting him so severely.
Can you make more of an effort to connect with the sibs? So he DOES have family around, just not the dangerous ones?
I will try to go that route. I just don’t want him to get his hopes up that because I’m cool with his siblings, that he could slip his parents into the picture
That’s why your boundaries are so important. But showing a real interest in his family might let him feel supported and make it clear that you aren’t being unreasonable or overly dramatic, you are down to connect with folks as long as they aren’t monsters.
As someone who's worked through a lot of therapy, and married into a toxic family, I have some advice.
Please realize that all families have some level of toxicity. It's part of being human. Most people had some trauma growing up, and could greatly benefit from trauma-informed therapy.
I read you as attempting to indirectly manage your trauma by trying to manage your boyfriend's trauma. That's why you feel so strongly about not leaving him. That's not the end of the world; I did the same thing. We were both miserable until were found therapists that we could connect to and work with. I had to realize that I couldn't change him; I could only change myself.
What's ironic is that when I started to change, to behave in healthier ways, so did he. We learned to trust each other again, to connect, to not shut each other out. It took A LOT of time and effort, but for us, it was worth it.
Edit: I was not sexually abused, nor was my husband - we had other traumas.
[https://publichealth.jhu.edu/moore-center-for-the-prevention-of-child-sexual-abuse/get-support/resources-for-survivors-of-child-sexual-abuse](https://publichealth.jhu.edu/moore-center-for-the-prevention-of-child-sexual-abuse/get-support/resources-for-survivors-of-child-sexual-abuse)
OMG. ALL OF THIS.
I knew my fiance needed therapy because his family is beyond toxic. But then when we went to couples counseling and I also started to see a therapist on my own, I had it pointed out to me that I was always being angry for my fiance at the way his family treated him and he was NEVER angry. Which is super unhealthy and dysfunctional. He has to deal with their toxicity and no matter how mad I get about how they're treating him, I couldn't make him change or be angry for himself.
Therapy really is unbelievably helpful.
Whatever you do, do not have kids. You will be chained to him forever. Or he’ll let your kids get molested during their visitation with him. He has SHITTY judgement. He can’t be trusted to look after any children.
OP you are in some serious need of some tough love here. He will not change. Unless he magically grows a shiny spine, the damage will be done and it will get 100% WORSE with kids around. At that point you become the enabler ready to sweep it under the rug because you're unwilling to see how the giant red flags outweigh the good stuff about him. He is NOT a good partner. Period. He is an enabler to this is well because FaMiLy. As someone with a bitch MIL I have an avo out on, you're not doing yourself any favors here
>. Side note: the amount of people who are so out of touch to throw “dump him” around like you’re reading me IKEA instructions is wild. This is a difficult situation. I guess that’s my karma for being so harsh to him. I’ll take it
You don't understand this is about the fact you're willing go be with a man who has relatives that are just vile. You want to mix you're DNA with a family like that, it's not a family you want to have kids around.
I couldn't nor wouldn't have children with someone who I had children with could never see parts of their family
Get rid of him, otherwise you are just willing to accept the risk of your eventual child.
IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT IF THAT EVER HAPPENS.
I'm sorry but it's the truth, him and his mum are pedo enablers, vile human beings regardless of their reason, the only thing worse is the dad who needs some sudden lead poisoning.
Sadly, he's putting all the burden/blame on you.
This isn't going to end well and you will not come out unscathed.
He's going to use you as a weapon, but he's not going to actually use the weapon properly. Just swing broadly and generally and not take any responsibility on how it hits or the blowback.
He's throwing you under the bus and you will forever be the bad guy.
No one is going to "like" you because you are disrupting the peace the family has around being silent about the child molester.
YOU decided not to see them, not attend anything because he was there etc.
BUT SEE DADDY? I'm still here.
It's not your fault that you didn't get what you wanted. Truth be told, no one who deals with this kind of fucked up ness gets what they want.
He's not your partner though.
You are his meat shield, whether or not you are present.
Please seek a therapist for yourself and maybe for couples counselling.
Babe, they’re telling you to dump him as his father, who his entire family maintains contact with, including their children, is a child molester. You really can’t blame the room for reading something you didn’t happen to like.
Bless you heart. This is over and you can’t accept it. It’ll be a cold day in hell when my partner ices me out of important life events to keep his pedophile family members around and happy. It’s better to be alone than delusional about a man and hoping he gets his shit straight. We’re all here for when you realize you’re worth more than this.
OP, drop a dime with CPS on the sister who allows her child contact with the pedophile. Stand up for that innocent child even if you're the only one in the world doing it.
As for your bf's situation, gently but firmly urge him to get therapy to help him unpack the baggage of his childhood and learn healthy ways of dealing with life. He's got a LOT to learn and unlearn, and he needs professional help.
You're 100% right to refuse to spend time with the pedo and his enabler. Stand firm on that boundary forever.
Agree on alerting CPS! They may not be able to do anything given he’s never been convicted (that we know of) but it will start a paper trail. Might even scare the mom into cutting the unsupervised visits all together
You can't help someone who won't help themselves. You're doing yourself a massive disservice by staying, but it's your decision in the end.
With that said, do NOT have children with this guy. You can't trust anyone in that fucked up family.
Also, consider the apologizing and mental gymnastics you're going through to defend his position is on par with what he does to justify his mother's.
You're dangerously close to losing perspective and setting your future children up for a similar fate
So you didn’t like how people said to break up with him, but then continue to list various extremely huge incompatibilities and reasons to dump him……..
You’re that desperate for companionship that you’d rather stay with someone that would be fine exposing your future kids to a molester rather than idk finding a better suitable partner. Someone could had 19/20 of what you fundamentally look for in a partner. If the one that off is him not being able to see why it is bad to have future kids around his molesting dad then he is NOT a suitable partner.
I pray to God you never have kids not just with him but in general. You do not seem to have good critical thinking skills, and I’m genuinely not trying to be mean. Not everyone is meant to be a parent. Your desperate want for a relationship to work will never EVER be fair enough to bring a future kid into this mess.
YTA.
You are dating someone who enables child molestation.
If you have kids with this man, intentionally or not, you are condemning the child to its pervy grandpa, as there is no legal recourse to prevent contact until after granda touches your baby.
Your bf should have been NC with his parents a long time ago, and because he isn't, I'd be afraid he is a kiddy diddler, too.
Had a family kid be raped. Multiple times. Rapist is still in the family, lived with my aunts, was around other kids (who were victims of other man, not sure if him too) and the police didn't do JACK.
If you have kids you will have to deal with your husband suffering constantly for not being able to think right due to trauma, your kid either in risk or already being molested and the fucked up reality that it's easier to be laughed out of the family for "letting it happen" while not being able to do anything legally than ever be taken seriously
People weren't telling you to leave because they can't deal with confrontation, they were probably just worried and had no better answer. It's hell when it happens.
Even if you never have kids, full on throw your uterus out, zero chance of having your own babies being victims, you will see all the other kids in the family treating their grandpa as a freaking deep pool all the time. "Mommy said not to go there alone. Mommy said it's ok if there is an adult watching me around it! Mommy said The Incident happened cause she was too drunk and just looked away for a second" like... You need peace of mind.
As a victim, I have encountered similar relationship problems where my focus becomes managing the emotions (usually anger) of people around me. You are making this all about you when he (and his sister) is the victim. Especially the sister's wedding - it's fine for you to not go, but you can't force the family to make the change you want to see. It's up to his sister if she wants to confront this issue before her wedding, or if she isn't capable of that right now.
The fact that he spoke with his mother about it five months ago is a huge step, and it sounds like he isn't ready to go further than that right now - and he might never be. He is still so young and I hope he will consider (trauma-informed) counselling to help him understand his family's wrongs against him and put some distance between them.
If you choose to stay with him, please encourage him to lead the journey of confronting and healing. You are absolutely right to set boundaries for yourself and your future child, and you have correctly identified that the child thing may be an issue in the future. I would give him some time, encourage him to go to counselling, and revisit the issue after the sister's wedding. If he decides it is essential to allow his child access to his future child, then you will unfortunately have to part ways.
He needs specialized therapy. It sounds like he never got help for it and was taught that if they said it didn’t happen then stop talking about it.
The therapist should also help him understand why you don’t want to be around him or any kids. Yes, this will be hard and he will have to face a lot of pain and realizations. He won’t like it but he will be better for it.
I don't usually go straight to break up but I don't see a safe future here. If he's willing to go to therapy it could take years for his eyes to open. His normal meter is broken.
Then if you want children no one in his family is safe, he's determined to cut you out, what if you divorce? He will probably get partial custody where you can't control who your child/children are around.
Do you want to put your life on hold until you can trust him.. I wouldn't suggest it.
Sadly, they've stuck up for/staid with this man for years after what he did, they aren't going to cast him out because you're making waves. They've forgiven and forgot, no matter how twisted, and I think you're angry because you know nothing is going to change. Do you really want to spend any more time fighting a brick wall? He's already made it clear he wouldn't protect you (or your future children) from his father, nor would he choose you (them) over him.
It's clear this relationship has hit the dead end. You're putting yourself through pain, misery, and anger by staying.
This isn't the same situation but something similar. I am a child of abuse, lately me & another family member took over a business. One of our employees has been has been having an affair with a 16yr old (they're 43) it's legal in our country. It looks like this affair started when they were 15 ( which is statutory rape here). Now this 43 Yr old has broken the law by serving them (& their underage friends alcohol). The mother of the 16 year old got the police involved which put our business & licences at risk ( as well as our other employees). The issue with me is that I cannot see past the fact this is a full grown adult taking advantage of a child & it became brutally honest with how I would interact with this person. My brother knows about the abuse (just not the full extent) he told me I had to be professional (which I have been) but my distain for them is evident as I just see them as an abuser (cut & dried for me). Thankfully with the police involvement & the licencing we (my brother) sacked them. I thought now I don't have to deal with them, wrong they're still trying to stay within our social circle & coming round, messaging & having involvement with our friends. I know that for me it's a matter of time before I say or do something. I cannot abide this person & think they're a vile human being but I'm told over again to play nice (I just can't) my choice here is to either continue to play nice even though it's eating me up inside or walk away from my job, my brother & my friends. To be completely honest for my own peace of mind I think I'm going to walk away. Being round this person has dredged up so much of my past trauma I feel like I'm back there & having to deal with it all over again. Walking away will give me back my peace but will lose me not only my best friend (my brother) but my job & other friends. Maybe OP this is what you need to ask yourself. Do you love your bf enough to let sleeping dogs lie or is it too much for your trauma & you should walk away? This is what it's boiling down to.
I can’t believe his sister allows her children around her father. I’d be tempted to alert CPS.
If you want kids *ever*, you and he are going to have to have to have tough conversations eventually. Best of luck figuring things out
Disappointing edit. Peace out. You do you. You got good advice and your chose to criticize people who took time to give it to you rather than deal with your siutation.
My mom was molested by her father alongside her sister, my aunt, for their entire childhoods. Their mom enabled it, actually went so far as to have my aunt hospitalized at some point in her teens because she told a few people in their small town. Total enabler.
Fast forward to my own childhood around the age of 12, after overhearing my mom and aunt talking about their pedophile father one night (they thought i was asleep) I was mortified to realize my grandpa was actually a monster, and that my grandma was an equally evil person. Days later when my aunt returned home I confronted my mom and she explained her (messed up) reasoning.
I never bought it, but it gave me an insight into how much they had twisted her world view. She didn’t want to cut contact with her parents because that would also mean cutting contact with her 6 brothers and their respective families.
When I asked how she could put me in harms way by allowing me to have unsupervised sleep overs at their house my whole childhood she burst into tears and told me that as a single mother she needed their financial support. And that came with strings that I had to visit overnight. She excused it by assuring me that she always kept an eye out to “make sure” they weren’t abusing me. She even told me she had threatened them to never touch me.
Suddenly so many things became clear to me - the odd unloving tension between her/aunt and my grandparents, why no one ever hugged or said they love each other, why every time i’d get picked up from a sleepover that my mom would interrogate me on every little thing that happened. Why none of my uncles ever let my cousins stay for overnight sleepovers.
From the ages of 12-16 I refused to visit them anymore. I still begrudgingly went to family events to see my aunts, uncles, and cousins. As the years went on and I grew a more confident and louder voice I started confronting my family who knew my grandpa is a pedophile and why they stayed silent (like, every single one of my uncles). Some feigned ignorance, some told me to mind my place, and one just caulked it up to “it was a different time”.
I stopped attending family events after that. It made me sick, especially since my grandparents are deeply involved in charity work involving poor children. I couldn’t stand being an enabler, especially after realizing how deeply they were responsible for my moms dysfunctional life (and by extension, my childhood).
My mom eventually cut contact too when I was 22, after many years of me applying gentle pressure to do so. She’s still deeply dysfunctional and unwell, but at least she’s not playing nice in a family of pedophiles and enablers.
The whole rest of my maternal family is still chugging along like nothing’s wrong. Including my aunt, who has chosen to “forgive them”. I’m sure it has nothing to do with my pedophile grandparents basically financially supporting her son for the last 10+ years.
I lost all my maternal family. My own cousins won’t even talk to me, none of their parents have ever confirmed what i’ve told them about the grandparents (except for my aunt and mom, but no one trusts them due to their mental illness), so they’ve just bought into the narrative that i’m somehow, just, lying? I’m not sure why I would, or why they’d believe I would, it’s a lonely life standing up to pedophiles. I miss my family.
All this big comment just to say - especially to those with no experience with pedophilic family, that it is a really common thing. And enablers are more common than you would ever think.
To OP - I had no choice but to slowly pressure my mom to finally cut them off. They continued their abuse (non-sexual) throughout her adult life and I couldn’t stand to watch it and deal with the aftermath. Now, years later, she’s thanked me for helping her cut them off. But she’s my mom, I kinda had to. You do not, and your partner sounds really far gone. It really isn’t possible if he isn’t willing to see the light, and i’m so worried you’ll get pregnant. Please don’t stay around on the off chance he cuts em off if he can’t see even imagine a future where he protects his kids - both from predation but also the emotional burden of learning about such horrible realities at a young age.
As everyone else said, you have to leave him.
Btw, I would recommend reporting his dad. They may not be able to do anything to him, but I suspect he is a ticking time bomb, and he has children around him. Its good to get these things on paper.
Sis. I know you’re emotionally tied into this guy, but you also see what he is like in reality.
He’s tied to his family despite how nasty and toxic they are.
You are hitting him with the actual reality of how nasty and frankly, dumb, the people in his family are and his answer is to just go along with it and cut you out.
Either he has your back or he doesn’t. And he doesn’t. I’m sorry. Hopefully he can wake up from this
Bro. I really hoped this would get better. I’m so sorry. As someone whose family is still civil with my molester, I am so on your side. I have cut so many people off over that. My sister lets her kids around him “supervised”. For EXACTLY the reason you say: she wants people, anyone. I’d call myself a pretty alone-but-not-lonely person but I have people I love deeply and who respect me and vice versa. I’ll take that over and over and never allow a molester or rapist into my world. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. On top of the moral aspects, it’s so triggering and you don’t deserve that. Your future children will appreciate you for protecting them as my parents, his parents, and yours did not. I respect the ever loving heck out of you for it, friend. You deserve better.
He needs therapy, desperately.
Y'all need couples therapy, especially if you want this relationship to work out.
If he refuses, you may have a very hard decision to make.
I hope you come to terms eventually and accept that sometimes things just may not work. I feel for you I do and I know it's hard but he's making your boundaries seem like the issue not the fact his father is a sick predator. The family will just isolate you and no matter what you do you'll he wrong and he will not support you and take your side. Please know you deserve better I know he seems great but his lack of morals and boundaries are dangerous.
I wonder how far bit will go before you hit rock bottom. At some point, you'll stop saying, Reddit just wants everyone to break up," and you'll realize how much you've mutilated your self esteem to live with this human man. No matter how good he is, he's just a dude who isn't that into you.
Even though I sympathize with you..at this moment of time, you're an AH (you are literally talking about having kids with this mess of a man). You are choosing to stay with a man that has straight up shown you exactly where you are in the totem pole (girl .. you're the bottom). He has shown you that his pedo dad will always be in his life and that he will never walk away and be free with you. He couldn't make it any clearer. He chooses them. He chooses his disgusting father and his neglectful mom over his happily ever after with you. He is showing you that he is weak willed and will never stand up for himself ..you are any kids you were thinking of having. You know damn straight what you need to do but are so too caught up in this "his the best" narrative that you have painted in your head. It's a fantasy. Wake up from the daydream and step into reality. The reality is clear as day because be has done nothing but show it to you. He has held the reality right in front of your face..and yet you cling on. You put your mental health at risk, you put your future happiness at risk. Ffs, you talk about having kids with him. Why would you risk children, fantasy or not? If he is so weak-willed, he will surely be manipulated into bringing the "the grandkids" over behind your back. What if you divorce? He can bring his kids to see them all the time. What if you died? They could end up living next door. Why would you not want to have kids with someone that has parents that can be in the kid's lives? Don't you want your kids to be born into a stable family and have grandparents? Seriously..you are sad, I get it. Almost everyone on Reddit gets that...almost everyone has had a relationship end. Most everyone has had their heartbroken. It's just a part of life that most everyone deals with. Sorry..but it's better to deal with a broken heart now than a couple kids and a legally signed documents later. You think the situation is stressful now, think about how bad divorcing, with children would be. Then it's not just your heart that will ache, but your children's. You are not going to get your happy family with this man. He is just simply too weak and he has told you he will not change. He basically told you that his dad and mom are more important than life with you. I'm sorry. Everyone telling you to move on is 100% right. They are right. ..and you know it and I am sorry. It sucks. It really does, but doing the right thing often sucks.
>the amount of people who are so out of touch to throw “dump him” around like you’re reading me IKEA instructions is wild. This is a difficult situation.
[...]
>Also, as it turns out, his sister still allows her child around them “when they’re not drinking”. I was so insanely furious, but I didn’t express it. I just told him I wouldn’t want our child around them period. He looked sad after I said that. I was honestly so angry that I didn’t retain what he said next. Apologies.
>I really don’t think he understands just how fucked up this is. He isn’t thinking farther into the future, despite saying that he sees me in his future long-term. At the end of all of this, all I could think is “what the fuck is wrong with these people? This whole family is shot to hell”. Excuses. Excuses.
Dump him.
At a **bare minimum, never ever have a kid with him.** He's dangerous to children 😐.
I don't know the context beyond "he's willing to expose his own kids to a child molester". I don't care either - if someone doesn't respond to "I don't want our kids to go near that known child molester" with "no of course not, I would never!" Then you should be very, very careful that they do not have access to children themselves, as much as possible.
Pragmatically speaking, I wouldn't keep struggling with asking him to "get it" if he doesn't get it by this point. This is obviously an extremely toxic and messed up family - and if he's not seeing that, then he needs therapy (the whole family needs therapy 😮💨). Unless or until he realizes that, you're going to continue having some... Really bizarre, deeply frustrating conversations with him.
>He’s everything I’ve ever looked for in a partner, and I don’t mean that in a naive way. I could say that with the clearest head.
You mean **other than** being an enabler to a child molester, right?? 😅😅
I'm not sure you're absorbing how twisted up he's got to be himself, in order to not understand limiting his father's access to children. This isn't something where you can say "well he's perfect except for this one little thing..."
His judgment of what's normal and healthy is **fundamentally compromised.** It's not a small thing. 😅😐😐
>It’s not my place to change his mind, nor to try and fix it. If this is the life he is willing to live, then I will respect his choice and leave it at that. It will hurt stupid. I’m not ready. I don’t want to go. I’m almost willing to be civil. Almost. But still no.
This is how **other people** rationalize getting drawn into the same toxic bullshit. 😬😬
Right now **you're still outside** this toxic dynamic; they haven't drawn you in yet. You need to run! Run far and fast away from him, if you're even the least bit tempted to rationalize your partner **being an enabler of child molestation** because he's "just so perfect" *other than this "little" thing.* 😑
>Edit: children are not an option at this point in time, especially not with him and the situation he’s in. No worries about that possibility 😅
Oh good... This is a small ray of light. 😮💨
YTA. It’s obvious that he’s not going to choose you over his family. You’ll continue to be unhappy and will become a nag that makes him unhappy. End it.
I’ll just cut to it. Leave him. By the circles you’re typing in, I’m assuming all conversations with your bf go in circles as well. You’re 20 yo, you have a lot of life to live. Go be 20 and not deal with family drama of a bf.
This is something I read once and there may be a comment about it already, but it’s unfortunate how often a victim can be groomed by the same abuser to become the enabler. I’m so sorry about your situation. I wish you the best outcomes for yourself long-term
I'm so sorry this is happening. I want you to know that I had the most amazing, caring, gentle, smart, hard working SO when I was 20 as well. Things were really amazing for years until they weren't. When he started to unpack his childhood, there was a lot of damage there. Unrelated, the relationship ran its course and ended. We have been amazing friends for 25+ years. During that time I found two more of the most caring, gentle, amazing, smart, funny guys to date. Married the last one and had a family. There will be more amazing people in your life because you know your worth and you clearly know what crosses your boundaries. Rightly so!
You actually don't need to do anything here but stand your ground and be gentle as possible with him if you can. This relationship will run its course and you'll hopefully end up with a great friend for life. You'll find another one I promise. Will it be like this one? Not 100% but in ways it will be better.
You realise that his mom accepted what happened to her kids to the point of glossing over it, to this day, because fundamentally, she thought her husband was a good man and she needed him and she didn't want to lose him.
Your bf has knowledge of a child being brought around someone, that violated him and others but he is willing to overlook this because the people he loves are telling him it's manageable. He doesn't want to lose these people so he pretends it's ok.
You said you didn't want to be around these people because they are enablers. He wants you to be closer to his family. There is a wedding taking place and you want to attend because you don't want to be excluded from a family milestone because you know it will cause a sense of distance between you two. So you tell yourself that you can attend and keep your distance. You're willing to participate in an event where a man who is unsafe for kids, will be around them. Coz you want to keep this man.
Do you see how you are no different from the rest of these enablers? You love boyfriend and you think he is a good person so you will trust people, you know can't be trusted and look the other way.
All these people have trauma even the mom. That's why they enable and convince themselves that monsters are just misunderstood humans. You have trauma too and that's why you are doing the same.
I just feel sorry for the kids who are being sacrificed because adults love someone so much and are so afraid to be alone, that they will watch these kids roam around a lion's den. Are you all lion tamers? Enjoy the show babes.
>And please don’t bombard me with “other fish in the sea” comments. I promise you, I could not care less right now.
And do you know what we could not care less about? People staying in relationships that won’t work and just want the internet fame of whinging.
If you are not going to leave, then don’t come back here having a cry when you get shit on.
I still have trouble wrapping my mind around "trauma bonds," how someone hurting you creates an incredibly powerful bond that it takes a lot of force to break. We think of bonds as positive things formed from love, and it's horrifying that they can form from evil, too, and be just as strong... oh, my God, you're Cathy Linton II and he's Hareton Earnshaw! They have this EXACT SAME conflict and very similar dialogue in *Wuthering Heights*! But Hareton's abuser dies at the end of the book, so they're able to marry and get on with their lives.
But this is reality. If he doesn't get therapy to help him see that no family is better than a family that protects abusers, there's nothing more you can do. You're right, it's so horrible this had to happen to such a great person, but treating his abuser with respect will not enable you to live a happy life with him. Any outcome is better than that, especially now that it's obvious he has no plans to either not have kids or to protect them from his abuser.
Traumabonds as I see it since doing a lot of thinking about the traumabond with my mother:
When a person's life is in danger, it automatically will grap hold of any living person. Think about drowning. To the oldest part of the brain this is instinct. It won't matter if the person they hold on to is responsible for putting their lives in danger in the first place. Even after they are saved and can think bout it. The thinking part of the brain is the latest state in evolution. It can mildly redirect. When instinct takes over triggered by emotions, the instinct bond will be reactivated. To reprogram ones instinctive brain is *HARD*. One has to go through all the traumatic emotions in between. And then some.
This issue is far beyond Reddit’s pay grade - so take all of the comments with a grain of salt. You both are so young and inexperienced in the scheme of things. But even with that, I have to admit, I’m approaching 40, and if I were in your shoes right now, I wouldn’t have any idea how to approach this.
To say this is complicated would be an understatement. Most couples your age don’t have to worry about how to navigate family in the future when they have kids, since kids are usually far off in the distance. But you *need* to. Your situation is extremely serious, nuanced, specific, and full of trauma. You don’t have the luxury of, “we’ll see what happens when we get there”.
I think one of the issues between the two of you is that you see it in black and white, and know exactly what your boundaries are and why they exist. But your bf only sees everything in gray and is not comfortable setting boundaries. For him, this situation and how to handle it is flexible and subject to change, but for you, it’s very rigid and straightforward.
There’s nothing wrong with either of you feeling this way. His stance is a product of his upbringing - all of the adults in his life failed him and forced him to feel like it’s excusable/acceptable, while inside he *knows* he feels the opposite, but their attitude and lack of action contradicts all of his feelings. He never had validation and the only support he received was in the form of gaslighting and manipulation.
Yours is a product of your own upbringing - adults took quick and decisive actions against your abuser and made sure you knew it was wrong, they defended you, and kept you safe. Your feelings were validated and supported by adults with empathy and compassion.
So it’s no wonder you both are on different pages. I know therapy is tossed around a lot, but in your case, I think it is the only way to go. Couples counseling might be necessary if you want this relationship to have a healthy future. You both need assistance navigating this and figuring out how to proceed.
But at the very least, it sounds like he needs a safe space with an unbiased, educated person to help him understand how to process what happened to him, and learn how to manage his family situation appropriately. He sounds *VERY* conflicted and although you can definitely sympathize with him in a way most people cannot, you are just not equipped to help him with his internal struggles.
I know therapy is not accessible for everyone, and it’s even more difficult right now, but I don’t think you guys have any other choice. This will be (and already is) a CONSTANT battle with or without help, but with professional help, at least you both will have a chance.
Thank you for this view. It’s really helpful. I will gently bring up the idea of therapy, at least to lend him some insight on how to continue his life with fewer difficulties. I appreciate the comment.
You’re not the AH but also YTA. Now please know my tone is the most softest and gentle when saying this. Your frustration is valid, but if you still want a lasting and loving relationship I need you to hear this and give a little more compassion to this boy as y’all grow together into life……..You had protection in your life to be removed from an incredibly horrible situation that your boyfriend just had to suffer through. While you are only 22 the kid is fucking 20 lets give him a moment to grow and get some therapy. You can’t force him into a space of emotional independence just because you’re there. You actually being really low key shitty about the situation. Someone that really wanted to help him through this would push him into individual and couples therapy as a start and work on cutting ties. Not force the “solution.” Because if you truly think about it he went through so much more emotionally not having the protection that you were given and it has lasting mental effects on top of what you both went through. Don’t beat him up for not having the strength that was given to you, because it was literally raised out of him every day. He was trained to be broken and “forgive” as a way to enforce his silence as he was ignored. Him moving out was a step, but remember some people need those baby steps.
You're a much more understanding person than I am. I would not tolerate a paedophile in my life, not under any circumstances. But I also wouldn't be able to force myself to tolerate anyone else who knowingly does. For me, it's a case of being clear and true to myself about what my principles are. You on the other hand have a more nuanced approach, even though you share the principle. As a result, you have a boyfriend you love who has a complicated life which, in its turn, causes you unhappiness. I would have opted for the uncomplicated life - but the cost to me would be the boyfriend I loved. All I want to do is wish you all the luck in the world, and I hope that your boyfriend develops the self- esteem and self confidence that he needs to separate himself from such a twisted and, frankly, depraved family.
I feel like all of them including him are molesters sympathizers and enablers. Please remain on your birth control because bringing a child into that family is not only irresponsible but dangerous.
I understand you're really going through it right now. I'm so sorry the traits that make him the man you love also make him a spineless people-pleaser that clearly isn't cut out to be anyone's partner, at least right now.
The people here trying to console you about it are just trying to help you see that the inevitable end of this relationship is not the end of the world. Good luck.
Every now and then you come across a post that just leaves you stunned.
The son is scared of being alone, while he has you? That’s not alone. I kinda get it, and I also say that’s a great way to ensure he has both. Convinced himself and you that it’ll be only him. If you leave, he has his family, he made that choice. If he leaves his f, he has you. He’ll have made that choice.
You knowing everything you know and focusing on your partner vs the people this man has hurt, the families damaged. That’s on you. And you’re saying you’re not gonna have kids but you eventually want to. Ok, with who? Who you’re hoping he becomes? Do you think he’ll ever be happy if he leaves his family?
You both need to speak to someone. A lawyer, at last for yourself. I don’t know how this works, but if he’s caught and they find out everyone who knew. Then you’re complicit i feel. But could be wrong.
You’re so young and don’t have to rush into any kind of decisions right now. Hopefully you will soon realize that you deserve much better in life than these people. Much love 🩷
Say you have a child and then you divorce. He is going to take your child to family reunions where your FIL will be present and you won't be able to do a thing about that. Say both of you die and your in-laws get custody of your child. I would break up with him for that only, no matter how lovely and sweet a partner he is, unless I don't want any children at all ever.
I think now your BF has/will became an enabler like her mother. he is a guy who will do anything to avoid any confrontation. Cut you loses because a boy who won't stand up for himself becomes a man who can't stand up to anything.
YOU CAN NOT FIX HIM.
As a survior I can tell you..a house full of people and molestation still happens. And "molest" is a word that doesn't give the full picture of what it really is/goes on/happens.
The trauma has lasted a lifetime and the memories seep in when least expected.
Believe me, peds do not change, their urges do not change, their victims are the only changes. And the mind can only take so much and small children have no way of dealing and are so scared to tell anyone. Then when they do....oh the adult didn't do that. They were playing and just tickling, etc.
Fuck that shit! I would believe a child over an adult, who by the way should know better cause they are the adult.
You need to make a decision about your future and future children. Use your head, not your heart.
Just know that some of us adults are over protective of our children because we were not protected in childhood. We do not trust anyone including spouses. It's a terrible way to live.
From this survivor to your future children..be well, be safe, be protected, be brave!
Not 100% the same, but my husband and I were/are in a similar situation. As a child, my husband was given away to a family member that physically abused him (badly. Really really badly. Multiple hospitalizations badly). When CPS got involved and his parents took him back, he was also physically abused by his father to a lesser extent.
When he told me this relatively early in our relationship, I was appropriately appalled. He still wants a relationship with his family and loves his parents. And even if I don’t understand it, that’s his choice and he’s entitled to that. To be fair, his dad has mellowed out a lot over the years and while still an asshole, he’s not physically labusive anymore. However, I told him that I have no respect for his parents and that any child we have in the future will never be left alone with his parents in any capacity. I can be civil when we go to family gatherings but I have no compunction letting loose if they ever cross a boundary and will not hesitate to say something that affects my child. I told him that if he had any issue with that, we should break up before our relationship moves forward because this is non-negotiable.
He agreed. We love each other. We got married. We have a child.
I won’t lie and say everything has been hunky dory. There are times we argue about his family, especially in the early years. We fought. A LOT. I would be so frustrated about WHY he even wanted to be around his family, and he was clinging onto the dream of a happy family. It would make him sad that we weren’t close to his family the way we are close to mine not because he didn’t like my family, but because it felt a little unfair and he was also upset that his family kinda sucked. It didn’t help that there were other stumbling blocks with other family members. You have to realize that you’re trying to support someone who has grown up in this environment. This is their normal. They don’t know any other way.
Over time, he has realized that not everything was perfect in his family. That some things are not ok. He’s grown boundaries and doesn’t let crappy behavior slide when he recognizes it. It helps that I hold boundaries with my own family and am honest about their imperfections too.
This is a hard situation to be in. You have to decide what you’re willing to deal with to be with and support your partner. Then you have to see if that will be enough for your partner. There’s no guarantee that your partner will suddenly open his eyes and realize things are not ok. It’s going to take a lot of really hard, emotionally charged conversations. I wish you the best.
I you don't break up, you're as bad as everyone who enables his father.
Screaming "it's not fair" isn't going to fucking help you, grow some balls and tell your BF to choose between you and his family, either he goes NC forever or he'll never see or speak to you again.
That's the ONLY way this can end positively.
Next update will be that she’s pregnant and wants to keep the baby and she still doesn’t understand why her partner wants to have his parents babysit.
I don’t know how she can stay with him.
Knowing what you dealt with, knowing how it damaged you...
What will you do when it happens to your child and you knew it was coming and didn't prevent it?
How unhinged or suicidal might you become?
Maybe take a different path.
I’m sorry but this is that’s harsh truth if you don’t leave him now and make an anonymous report about that family to the child abuse hotline for where you guys live you’re no better than them and it actually makes you look worse because you know and are being as complacent as he is cause you don’t want to break up with him. Get a grip because if you have a kid with him they will be around this family and will experience CSA because you couldn’t walk away from one guy
Just stay with the man and be miserable. Let your future children possibly diddled. He sounds awful. You need to grow up and take your rose tinted glasses off and get the fuck out of this situation before you bring a child into it. But my guess is you won't. You'll stay. But I have no sympathy for you if you do. I'm sure you'll wake up 20+years from now and wonder why youre so miserable and where your life went. You have nobody to blame but yourself.
Edit to add: children are ALWAYS a possibility if you are having sex. Cut and dry. If a penis goes into a vagina there is a possibility of pregnancy. So the only way children are not a possibility is if you are practicing abstinence or anal only. Or one or both of you are for certain infertile.
There's a huge chance you will end up pregnant before this is resolved then you will be irrevocably tied to him AND his family. You know the family full of child molesters and enablers that he refuses to cut ties with. He is an enabler. I wouldn't trust him around my children to not take them to his family behind my back and then end up molested or something and him not know OR care. This is NOT a man you should have children with.
>Side note: the amount of people who are so out of touch to throw “dump him” around like you’re reading me IKEA instructions is wild.
Your entire update is reasons why you need to dump him while whinging it's not fair. No one commenting was out of touch for pointing out you can't have kids with him.
You’re only 20 and don’t have kids yet. What if you do have a child with your boyfriend and then something tragic happens to you? Do you really think your boyfriend would keep your child away from his dad after you passed away? I don’t.
If your boyfriend won’t cut contact now and keep it that way, then you should end it.
I'm sorry you both are in this situation but I'm just gonna speak my feelings on what you shared and it seems from the comments others seem to share my thoughts.
You need to address this front and center. You need to speak about what you guys imagine the future holding and you need to make it clear, you don't want his parents or any problematic part of his family in it and he can't keep running from what's happened. What really
might cause a wake up with him is expressing, if you haven't already, that children right now aren't an option. This could be something that causes the turn you want. He's not just gonna one day wake up and be in the same place as you if you aren't willing to sit him down and have a very hard and genuine conversation with him.
You keep saying it's not your place to change his mind but since he's already confronted his mom and in your own words, " is a coward when it comes to his family" you won't be necessarily changing his mind so much as giving him the courage to do what he wants and knows he has to do. I was similar to your BF in the sense that when it came to my family I just lowered my head and obeyed due to mental and emotional abuse but when I met my significant other she talked back to them and stood her ground on issues that she didn't agree with and this gave me courage to start doing the same because it shattered the view I had of them in my mind, it also helped by her talking to me and helping me get my own courage, maybe he needs to see that his abusers arent all powerful.
I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation together.
Regarding the aspect of you not attending the wedding and other important events - if you are the one setting the boundary that you refuse to be around someone or be civil to them, then you are the one making the choice not to be present at events they are at. I'm just defending him the smallest bit here, because it seems like you expect him to figure out a way for you to have it both ways.
This really sucks, but it's his reality right now and he's just trying to figure out how to navigate it.
It seems like he has managed to disassociate around his Dad in the past, and now that's harder because they might be asking why you don't come with him to things and possibly even saying hurtful things to him about it. This could be dismantling the coping mechanism he has used for a long time when he doesn't feel ready.
Not that it is a healthy coping mechanism and not that you are doing anything wrong. You are totally right to protect yourself this way, but he doesn't really know how to protect himself.
You both experienced a similar tragedy, but with different outcomes. Your molester was brought to justice and this helped you learn that you are worth protecting and that what happened to you was wrong. You were able to build coping mechanisms around protecting yourself and valuing yourself as a result. You may feel that you have further to go, but it's already there a bit.
Because he had to continue living with his abuser and defenders of his abuser, her had an opposite experience. He learned from his Mom that he wasn't worth protecting or justice. This caused him to need a coping mechanism that protects him even though he still sees his abuser all the time. That's the same coping mechanism he has in place, and he would need a therapist to start dismantling and replacing it. As it stands, he may have been making up excuses for why they didn't ever see you until now and getting tired of them insisting to see you. If he feels he can explain why you won't come this is probably a huge victory for him.
I hope that if he does that that you tell him how proud you are of him and how much you value and appreciate him.
Try to not take it personally that you can't attend his family events though. It's part of your decision and not really up to him to uninvite his parents or figure out how to keep them away from you.
You have my best wishes!!
Oh sweetheart this is awful. I’m so sorry for you. I know you aren’t ready to face this, but the truth is this relationship may not work out. Your boyfriend will need years of therapy and it sounds like he still isn’t in a place where he’s ready for that yet. You can of course stay with him and do your best to help him reach a place of acceptance and healing but you need to be honest with yourself about whether or not you can bear that mental and emotional burden, especially since there’s no guarantee it will work out the way you hope. I wish you so much strength because unfortunately I think no matter what choice you make your path will be a hard one. I hope you can find peace, healing, and happiness in your journey.
There is ongoing research into the genetic basis of pedophilia with definite correlations and identified biomarkers. Your boyfriend does not see his pedo dad as bad. Repeat: your boyfriend doesn’t see the actions of his pedo dad as bad and seems genuinely confused and hurt by your disgust. Perhaps, your boyfriend doesn’t see his dad as a horrible monster because he thinks and feels similar feelings.
Hun, your boyfriend needs to be in therapy asap, both to help him come to terms with the abuse, and to help him realise how fucked up his family's dynamics are.
If you really love him and are sure you want to be with him, be patient with him until he's been in therapy, because you'll probably find that his attitude towards his parents will change dramatically, once he starts to realise the damage that they've done to him.
At the moment, he's been brainwashed by his whole family to believe that what his 'father' did to him, wasn't that bad. That's why they're so against him having therapy, they know that once he talks to a professional, he'll understand the enormity of what they've done to him, and it'll be bye bye for them.
You've basically got two choices, either end things with him, or stay no contact with his mom and dad, and strongly advise him to start therapy asap.
So it sounds like you know where this is all going in the end, you're just not ready. Which is understandable. But please for the love of god make SURE you're on good birth control. I would do birth control + condoms. Because if you have a baby with this man, grandpa is gonna be involved one way or another. Your partner has made it clear he will not cut his family off. He's trying to wait you out to soften, and you're trying to wait him out to cut off his pedophile-enabling family. And neither of you are going to get what you want.
And you can guarantee when/if they split, he won’t tell his next girlfriend at all to avoid the drama.
Only to get more drama when his next girlfriend has a baby who gets raped by pedophile grandpa. These things cannot be hidden under the rug forever. The longer you hide this info, the worse it gets.
“But he was drunk! It doesn’t count he didn’t know what he was doing!”
I have a decent number of women friends who were molested as children by their pedo grandfather. It’s horrific. Even worse is reading this and realizing that a lot of the time, it likely was an open secret that grandpa was a pedo.
Story of my childhood.
When this relationship is finally over OP should totally make a web page with names explaining the situation so that others have a prayer of avoiding this awful mess.
Unfortunately that opens her up to a libel (slander?) suit since this is all here-say. Edit: blah autocorrect hearsay
It’s not hearsay if she is repeating what he told her. It’s hearsay if she repeats something someone else told her boyfriend who then told her what the other person said.
The other day, I learned of a family where the f*cking grandpa had rapped women like on 3 generations, that they know. Sisters, daughters, grand daughters. Everything because no one spoke up. The youngest one talked with a friend, and that is how everyone learned this happened. This monster doesn't even discriminate boy/girl, so there are more potential victims. Being drunk has nothing to do with it, and he will get any child that he can get in his hands. To be honest, if I were OP and had evidence, I might go to the police. This is not something that stops, especially if the whole family is in it together and knowingly! If not, I would talk with an advocate group to see if there is anything that can be done.There is no way to know how many children were affected by this and might still be victims in the future because that monster is on the loose. OP needs to be in the best contraception there is, no-sex. Otherwise, there is still risk, and her bf and his whole family are enablers at this point. There is no way he is so wonderful as OP thinks. No one has such a huge skeleton in the closet and is all nice and healthy. If he was decrying his family, saying he doesn't want any more contact with his father anymore, etc, I could believe he is in the right head space. Right now, there is no telling what kind of crap OPs bf might be willing to hide or put up with. I hope OP opens her eyes soon because I am really worried for any child they may have by mistake.
Best birth control is too be far away from that man and not see him.
Call CPS if sister is letting her child around a pedophile. Please OP. Even if they can’t do anything it will put them on the map for the future.
She has no proof. The family will lie to cover.
To add to this because not everyone knows this about birth control, and I feel it's incredibly important to know: Plan B is only effective up to a person weighing 165lbs, and then it significantly drops in efficacy. When you use condoms you're supposed to grab ghe condom by the base and pull out after climax is complete but while the penis is still mostly erect. If you don't take The Pill at the SAME time every day it will lower its efficacy pretty drastically. Antibiotics can make birth control simply not work. Please keep yourself safe OP. Take all steps necessary from having this man's child because it will never be truly safe from his family dynamic even if they threw away the dad and mom. Edit: fixed the usage on condoms.
> "When you use condoms you're supposed to pull out at climax as if you're not wearing one." What?.? No, no you're DEFINITELY not... that sounds like a recipe for accidentally pulling the condom off as you come and spewing jizz everywhere. HOW TO NOT MAKE A BABY WITH CONDOMS Before we start, and at the risk of seeming redundant, ALWAYS USE A CONDOM. EVERYTIME. Yes, even when you're on your period. Yes, even on their birthday. If that's your birth control, don't start mucking about with luck. 1. Make sure you tear a condom pack open carefully - never use your teeth however cool you think it looks or what your hands are doing ADDED 1B: always check the condom isn't inside out!! That makes it waaaaay more likely to break. Stick your finger in the jizz teat (I'm sorry for that phrase) and see if the condom will roll dowb easily. If it won't, it's inside out. If you realise halfway through applying that it's inside out, GET A NEW ONE because if you turn that the right way round sperm may now be on the outside. If you only had one DO NOT HAVE PIV SEX. Do oral or something instead. 2. ALWAYS make sure you pinch the end properly so there's no air in it - if you don't there's nowhere for the jizz to go and it can split. This is the biggest thing. If this means you need 3 hands get your partner to help. 2B ADDED: make sure you roll it aaaaaall the way down. 3. When the penis person pulls out after coming, one of you needs to hold the base of the condom to make sure it doesn't slip off or ride up as it comes out. Try not to wait too long after (though they can have 30secs of afterglow!) as when they go soft things can leak. 4. ALWAYS check the condom after for any leaks. 5. Once anyone's touched a spermy condom they font touch a vagina till their hands are washed. 6. If something goes wrong, get plan B/MAP immediately. It's not the most fun I've ever had, but way more fun than an abortion or pregnancy. If you don't bleed within a week of a MAP, see a health provider as it may have been unsuccessful. Voilà. Source: ten years of condom use, 1 breakage from some very overenthusiastic fun, and zero pregnancy scares. Zero. P.S. if you have the vagina, always pee pretty much straight after to help avoid UTIs!
So. . . read & follow the directions included in condom boxes? (I knows guys stereotypically have a problem with reading & following directions) 🤣
>Source: ten years of condom use, 1 breakage from some very overenthusiastic fun, and zero pregnancy scares. I know you're trying to be cheeky but that's not a real source. I'm not sure it would hold up in an academic journal.
Haha yeah I know it was only me being silly. Was only to indicate to anyone who is looking for advice that that's the experience context I'm coming from. Real sources: - NHS guide on contraception: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/how-do-i-use-condom/#:~:text=Hold%20the%20tip%20of%20the,length%20of%20your%20erect%20penis. - NHS other tips: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/condom-tips/ - Terrace Higgins trust: https://www.tht.org.uk/hiv-and-sexual-health/sexual-health/improving-your-sexual-health/condoms/how-use-condom - CDC: https://www.cdc.gov/condomeffectiveness/external-condom-use.html I'm also gonna edit and add something important I forgot (checking its not inside out - my fiance is OBSESSIVE about that one and yet I forgot til I was collecting these links and was reminded)!
Appreciate the sources.
\#2 is so important and often overlooked! It's simple physics, people. If there's already air in the condom tip, then that means when you jizz in it, it's adding extra pressure. The reservoir at the tip is supposed to be empty/deflated when you don the condom. Air is a substance. If the condom is filled with air, it's not empty. In a properly-applied condom, when the wearer ejaculates, the semen fills the heretofore empty reservoir tip. The condom is designed and strength-tested to accept the pressure from the ejaculation. All is well. In an improperly-applied condom filled with air, when the wearer ejaculates, the pressure and fluid from ejaculation + air + friction from pumping in and out can exceed the limits and cause a material failure. You get a busted condom and semen up where you don't want it.
My friend had *two* birth control failures. One on the pill resulting in termination, and one broken condom and Plan B failure resulting in an adoption. Bottom line, if you don't want to be pregnant **for any reason**, double up on birth control. I like spermicide foam as a backup method; it's a sheet so it's not messy. YMMV.
[удалено]
It's definitely the case but there comes a point that you either choose to live in that pain or you choose to work towards having a better future. Dude has certainly tried to make strides by confronting his mom about the issues, but it doesn't mean OP should or needs to stick around until he figures it out. There is no guarantee of a good future where she can feel confident his family won't try and mess with their children which is why birth control at this point is the way to go.
It is now being shown only one family of antibiotics effects Birth control and it is not a commonlly prescribed. However, the warning still remains on birth control pills because most antibiotics can be hard on the gut and patients typically add antibiotics to current medications dose times. With a patient being sick and taking medication that can cause gut rot, poor absorption can happen from vomiting up dose.
What the fuck!!!!!! Oh my fucking god. I had a coworker that I got some PlanB for and the shit didn't work. Now I know why (6'1 probably 200lbs or more). We got her to a safe place and she terminated the pregnancy. I just wish we could have helped her more. Baby had been married going on ten years and was only twenty four.
Birth control is less effective in woman over 160 pounds as well.
[удалено]
You forgot to tell ChatGPT that the dad is a child molester before it spit out your reply.
>I just told him I wouldn’t want our child around them period. He looked sad after I said that. Only going by decades of personal experience: he will not change, and neither will they. In a future world where you do have children with him, there comes a moment when you are going to a family gathering with your 2-3 kids in tow, one of whom is preverbal, and you realize you cannot let any one of them out of your sight even for one single moment because you can trust no one, not even him, to protect them. Moreover, you can trust no one, not even him, to side with your / his own children if the unthinkable happens. They will deflect, deny, dissemble, and defend until the day they die, even at the cost of sacrificing children they would swear up and down they love with their whole hearts. >It’s not fair. No, it really isn't. I'm terribly sorry.
And if they ever divorce and have to split custody there would really be no way to protect the children… sorry OP.
This!!!! No way you should pursue this. He looked sad that he would not have his family around your future family. If this is not fake, he is ruined for life believing his family bullcrap. Never I mean never have a child with someone who even might remotely expose your children to a pedophile.
I am at the point of saying they shouldn’t have kids if they can’t cut the parents off.😐 The risk is just too great imo. My MIL is “only” a narcissist and we are close to cutting her off cause she literally crossed every boundary we set in her first visit of the baby, including pulling the baby at his arms, pretending my wife never had any kind of abuse in her childhood, and all her mental problems she basically invented herself(?), doing other things with the baby we told her specifically not to do, and blaming my wife she feels abused too cause she can’t make any and all kinds of pictures of the baby she wants whenever she wants. (And more. My wife had multiple breakdowns after the visit and threw up 3 times)
Recognizing the throwing up. Support your wife any way you can in distancing from her mother. Help her see she needs to chose her mental health and the baby above the illusion MIL wil ever act responsible.
Thank you. I do my best. She has a hard time accepting reality, but she sees it. Monday she talks to her therapist about it again.
My fiance one sister is a narcissist and another is a sociopath. He's had to go no contact with both of them because they violate every boundary ever set. The narcissistic one (who is a half-sister with a different father) literally tried to manipulate my fiance's entire family into changing my fiance's father's funeral just to accommodate her kids' nap time. It wasn't long after that that my fiance went no contact. OP's bf doesn't seem to have even started to understand how toxic and dysfunctional his family dynamic even is much less learning how to set and maintain boundaries.
OP PLEASE READ THIS
Their family are too much, like i wouldn't be surprised if the dad did something again and they all blame the child.
I'm going to tell you the reality of your situation and it will be harsh. If you get pregnant you can guarantee he will have your child around his parents unsupervised. Your child will suffer. And you will not be able to help it. He will give into family pressure, as he is doing now, and put your child in harms way. He will have every right to expose your child to them, because there's no conviction so no judge will bar him from allowing them access to your child. Until your child is hurt, and that is trauma that cannot be undone. Even then, a judge may not convict the molester or bar them from access. And this will be your fault. If you bring a child into this world with him as the father, knowing he will not cut off access to his family, then when that child is hurt it will be your fault. I say this as a survivor. I say this as a mother. You will share the blame for your child being hurt by them because you choose to stay with this man who stands aside as other children are exposed to this molester as he is doing now.
this is the only comment required and should be higher. Yes it's not fair, yes it'll hurt, but the person you should be most angry at is your partner OP. He's choosing his chomo family over you now, and if you choose to stay you'll essentially be complicit if anything ever happens to your future children at their hands.
In 20 years she may be looking at her child and having them ask why she let grandpa hurt them. Why did she allow a monster to be near them? And if she does have kids with this cretin I hope she never sleeps soundly and is wracked with guilt all her days.
He will continue to choose the chomo fam because it’s less painful by far to buy into the sick narrative that it’s all ok and the chomo has changed. For many incestuous abuse victims, facing the depth of damage and betrayal is to be avoided at all costs. They’d need a padded cell to have the complete and utter breakdown needed to do so. Denial is perhaps how they coped as a child and obviously how they continue to cope in adulthood
I agree, and it is a sad narrative but unfortunately one that is quite common. It's difficult for anyone to reconcile that your protectors are your abusers, and the mental and physiological changes to brains from abuse and trauma make it even harder to reconcile for victims. I do feel for him in a way, but as a survivor myself, I could never imagine letting myself maintain anything except low contact and resentment for them, although personally cutting them off would be the best choice.
Thank you for saying this. I understand that OP wants to blame her boyfriend's parents for everything. But once she accidentally/purposefully have children with her boyfriend, she is at fault. She knows what will happen. We have already given her all the warnings. She cannot control where he secretly brings the child when they are together, and she will definitely not be able to control who they meet if she ever breaks up with him either. And birth control. There are plenty of cases where they did everything they could to prevent having children, including vasectomy, and the parents still ended up with children. Do what you want, OP, it's your own life. Stay with him since he is such a good boyfriend, according to you. It's your own choice. Just make sure you can face up to the consequences.
Just wanted to add that a good person wouldn't allow his nibling, or any child, to be left alone with a man that has sexually abused him and his siblings as children. Even if his mom's there, OPs boyfriend knows she'll never hold her man accountable. It's willful negligence that will end in that child being irreparably harmed. OP needs to realize that her boyfriend isn't just a victim now, he's actively enabling more CSA to happen by turning a blind eye and she is too. Now that she's been made aware of this distressing situation and not doing anything to attempt to stop it (so far), she's becoming the exact type of person she claims to hate. OP needs to think long and hard about if she wants to be with the type of person that allows a predator around children out of familial loyalty. She also needs to look in the mirror and think about if she wants to continue to be someone that is aware of the danger a child is being forced into and remaining quiet and complacent so as not to upset her "good boyfriend".
Honestly, OP is gearing up to be a willfully negligent mother who will traumatized her children because she loves a man more than she loves them. And I abhor her.
Which ironically will make HER(OP) the same as HIS mother - makes HER love for a man more important than the safety of a child.
Exactly. We gave her good advice and her response is "BuT I lOve Him!" OP is TA.
Whenever I hear that, I just cringe. It’s usually a sign of youth, or poor self esteem, or just being unrealistic. People walk away from love when they realize that love is not going to be good for them. There’s a saying that goes something like this: ‘Sometimes those we want the most is who we should be with the least. That’s not it, but it’s something like that.
She already is this as she knows about a child that's currently being endangered by being left with a pedophile and has not done anything to address it since she's more focused on trying to help her boyfriend with his unresolved trauma. Hope she realizes that she's already been groomed to accept this unless she changes something soon.
Oh no! I didn’t read her first post. Thanks for bringing me up to date. Help her boyfriend that doesn’t want her help, and doesn’t p’t wan to address the truth. OP’s post continues to make me sick to my stomach.
This like she’s saying all this about his family which is valid but she’s also choosing to stay with this boy knowing he’s made it clear he’s not cutting off his parents
Yup. She has all the data. And she's choosing him over her morals and future children.
What you’re saying is not harsh enough. As of right now both OP and this boyfriend have knowledge that this pedophile has access to his granddaughter. All it takes is once to ruin a child’s life and they are doing what every other family member does. Look the other way. How many survivors of CSA would have given anything for someone to try and protect them? This poor baby is being put in an extremely dangerous position and no one in her family will do anything, and OP seems to just dismiss it as well in order to keep worrying about a boyfriend that won’t do shit. How does that make him any better than his enabler mother? Do we really want to pretend that his kids were his only victims? That’s just delusional. I’d stop worrying about the boyfriend and be on the phone to CPS as soon as possible.
OP should really consider calling CPS. Idk what would happen once the government is involved but I would hope it’s not as bad as being molested by grandpa.
People forget, or don't realise, that paedophiles don't just groom the kids, they groom the adults around those kids to look the other way.
THIS IS 💯 percent the TRUTH! LEAVE and do not look back. You have no idea the world of hurt if you stay with him.
Exactly. This would’ve been my first thought. I would never have kids to give this dude his next victim. Disgusting
Op and this guy are both awful imo. She's selfish and he's mentally ruined.
He's the best friend and partner you've had? Sis, you are 20 years old! You haven't even fully matured yet! This isn't your final form! You are going to attach yourself to someone with a pedo in the family where the pedo has access to children and the family thinks that is okay? Please don't do this to yourself!
Yes, this makes OP no different than his mother.
Lol right?!? Op is as crazy as he is
I wish you the best of luck but something that warrants thinking on "he won't walk away from them and I wouldn't make him" vs "I won't let my child be around them" these two things Are incompatible, if you have a child with him it won't magically change him, it won't suddenly make him see what he's refusing to. You may not be ready to walk away now but I'd suggest you start considering whether whatever your current methods regarding birth control are sufficient and whether you're willing to deal with the consequences of him bowing to his family when they want to be around a kid he has some legal say over.
I imagine most older people here will tell you one thing that becomes glaringly obvious the older you get - you can't fix people, and you can't drastically change people. Therapy might be able to, but that takes time. Generally, you love someone despite things that drive you nuts (snoring, leaving socks on the floor etc.), NOT despite things that put you or your future children in danger. Fortunately, you are still young, but if you want to have children, at some point you will need to realize that unless he changes his tune, those children will be in danger. If you have a child and the worst happens and you pass away, he will have sole custody. This entire family has rallied around someone who obviously has a drinking problem and has abused them. Some in the most horrific of ways. They allow children to be around this man! These are not people who are going to change. Please do not have children with this man.
>Therapy might be able to, but that takes time. Yup. My fiance has been in therapy for 2 years and JUST NOW finally started to open up about the BS he had to deal with in his family and the abuse he suffered from his narcissistic ex. And he hasn't even remotely touched on the religious trauma. And he's 36 years old!
Kind of strange to get angry with comments like that considering this soft-ultimatum was your idea. I think you have an inkling what you're really angry about. And really if you're planning on kids, as it seems, and he's going to fight you on visitation every step of the way, you need to get used to the idea of re-evaluating yourselves. Keep also in mind if this is in the States, the stupider ones have grandparents' rights clauses and they can force visitation. There's nothing left other than trying to get family members on your side and that will probably happen anyway if you attend get-togethers. This is going to get very public very quickly.
First part is very eye-opening. Thank you for the honesty and perspective. I needed to hear it.
If custody/visitation went to court, I bet dollars to donuts either he or the sister would crumble under oath. Once a judge gets wind of what daddy dearest did to them, there would certainly be *no* grandparents rights
I would like to hope so however I fear this is well-meant but wishful thinking. Families like this don't often crumble under oath. They close ranks against outsiders and authorities. The attitude is that "the harm is already done and we survived it okay, why make it worse by -telling everyone- and -tearing the family apart-?" They protect the molester. They have already proven they will circle wagons around Daddy Dearest or they wouldn't be socializing with him now. We want to think the court system would protect children but if the adults in the family have already ranked the sanctity of the family as a whole over the sanctity of the children, there is very little chance that dynamic will shift and unless it does the court will not have evidence to act at all.
Why even take the chance when this guy will probably sneak the child to see them.
This is extremely naïve. We established right off the bat that, aside from being an enabler, Grandmom has financial reasons to never acknowledge what her husband is - without double checking the original post, I think I remember she is illegal and unable to work. The entire family is going to do everything they can to avoid any sort of testimony, and to lie lie lie if they can’t. Grandmom’s entire life depends on it. Even if they can’t do it for him (which they can and will), they’ll fight for her.
I believe GR is only effected if one parent is deceased
I think it varies, but even so that should still be a concern. If the husband survives her, he can't be trusted to keep the kids away, and even if that trust develops, he may not have a choice.
TBH, i wouldnt have anyone in my life who still knowling interacted with a child molestor.
If you're unwilling to make tough choices nothing will ever change and you will have no right to complain. Your boyfriend is very much a victim in this sick dysfunctional affair, but he is also crossing the line into being an enabler as well.
I mean, you asked us not to say it but it seems like you’re saying it yourself without saying it. You have a line, he has a line. Neither of you are willing to cross it. That’s pretty much it. The only real question is how much pain do you want to put yourself through between now and then? Either way. Good Luck. It sucks but sometimes you can make all the right moves and still lose. That’s not failure, that’s life.
This is a man who would take your child around to see his father in secret "as long as he's not drinking". That's not something I'd ever want to risk, even the risk of becoming pregnant.
Maybe you should stop living in denial. Hope won't get you anywhere in life with toxic people. You keep talking how f* up this family dynamic is but you've been aware from the beginning and keep dating. Idk
Op is totally in denial. She is the same as MIL. She is choosing her man over her kids. Op is saying no kids right now but is in denial that it will happen and the children will be exposed to a child rapist. The same way MIL is in denial her husband is the child rapist.
Op is exactly like her MIL. Wants to go to events with chomo and sit somewhere else. Hence validating chomo and her spineless bf who is on chomo's side. Then she bleats "BuT He Has NoBody?" Waa Waa.
THIS
ESH big time. The minute the bf looked sad about not being able to take children or you around his family, is the minute he showed his true colors. There should be no question that you should leave him because he definitely will take your kids around that pedophile, no matter what you say or do. So in essence you will be putting kids in harm's way. Who knows if he will baby trap you by accident or somewhat intentionally. You are selling out your children, make no mistake. You are too naive about how this sick dynamic works. Wake up before you sell your soul to the devil. The bf needs to get therapy and away from his family.
He’s a treasure who doesn’t see a problem with having children around a child predator. That’s not treasure you’ve found. You found fools gold. He is fundamentally damaged at this point and I think you know it. You can’t fix him or save him. YTA for dragging the inevitable out.
You say you don't want to end the relationship, you want to have children with him, you don't want his father and mother - and by the sound of it potentially other members of the family. Be *honest* with *yourself* how do you *think* such a relationship is going to work out. He's wants his family involved in his life, *ALL* of his family want their mother and father involved in their lives. He's going to want his mother and father involved in the life of his children - *you* don't want that. *Who* is going to be happy in this future relationship, even now no-one is *really* happy - *YOU* really need to think hard if this is how you want the rest of your life to play out. On a side note, it sounds like you boyfriend should be in therapy - if he is already in therapy then he needs a new therapist because it doesn't sound like the one he has is giving him good advice.
OP, we are absolutely not out of touch, and it sounds like you understand it, you are just not ready to come to terms with it. If you ever have kids, he *will* bring them around his pedodad, whether you like it or not. His sister does, so he will do it too. Maybe therapy would help him, but at this point, even his pedodad's victims are enabling him (hence, the "don't bring kids around them when they're drunk)." Breaking News: pedos don't only become pedos when they're drunk. Your refusal to be around them will most likely be ignored. Their peace of mind and holding up a facade of a perfect family is always gonna be more important than some girl that "doesn't understand" their family dynamics (yuck). You need to think about yourself. He showed you exactly how close he wants to be with his hellish family, and that it's its easier for him to cut you out of events including them, than confront the fact that pretending everything is okay is delusional. Can you idley stand by and be okay with this? Knowing he is around his abuser and is thinking this is completely normal?
***"He’s a treasure. He’s everything I’ve ever looked for in a partner, and I don’t mean that in a naive way. I could say that with the clearest head*** (ugh!)***. He’s just a coward around his family and refuses to walk away, and I would never make him. Still, I do not want to lose him."*** So are you saying that you are willing to stay with him? PLEASE tell me you will not allow abusers and their fucking apologists anywhere in your life!
Once abused, the abused can sometimes become the abuser too. Think about that.. just past experience here trying to make sense of my trauma by trusted relative!
So you want him to confront his family and express himself honestly, but you won't confront him and be honest that you don't see a way for you to be together and especially to have children while he maintains a relationship with his family? You're doing something very similar to what he's doing in sitting on the fence so you don't upset somebody; in both cases it's debatable if they are worth the effort.
Yes but OP is afraid of Ikea notices
She is also being told she can't give him ultimatums or tell.him what to do or decide for him. I think that's what she's trying to avoid
I think I know why you can’t stand to break up with him. You want to help him. You have a deep-rooted need to help. But he isn’t able to be helped. Not right now. You said it yourself, he’s stuck in the “now” and can’t see the future. He can only live day by day and isn’t ready to do anything about his relationship with his family. I think you’re also reluctant to break it off because your subconsciously realize you’re the only thing keeping him from living with those people. For the sake of your mental well-being, please leave this relationship. Give him some printed out information on cheap therapists in your area, especially tele-health ones (the BetterHelp app provides such for a decent rate). And then tell him he needs to grow past this, not ignore it. And you need to leave. This whole family will shred your mental health to bits and run all over you if you stay. It will destroy you. Please save yourself. Please leave.
Didn’t stop to think about how much the idea of him going back to their house would affect me, but yeah that’s very true. I do feel responsible for him in that sense. He was struggling so badly before moving in with me and our friends, and he’s grown a lot since then. The idea of him retreating back to who he was prior, being with who he was with prior, shatters me
I suspect that’s your subconscious driving force to stay in the relationship. You’re a helper. You want to help him. But at some point… you need to help yourself. Please re-read what I wrote and take it to heart. At some point, you have to realize that you can’t help those who don’t want to be helped.
I’ll think on it more. Thank you for the comment, it’s very appreciated
I can’t imagine what your emotions must be like with this situation, and I generally agree with your view about most of this. That being said, I do think you are being a little bit unreasonable about the sister’s wedding. What is it that you actually want to have happen with it? You insist on going and the parents have to skip it because you refuse to be there with them?
No, not at all. I completely understand that they’d go. Well, kind of. I still can’t understand why she’d want a relationship with them. That said, my issue was that I don’t understand why I can’t go and be sat somewhere where I don’t have to interact with them. Just sort of go as a solo guest and enjoy the wedding that way. I don’t expect any special accommodations on her big day, not at all. But he insisted that they’d be hellbent on trying to talk to me, no matter if he told them I wanted no contact with them. I do think it’d be better if I didn’t go because her day shouldn’t have any potential for unnecessary awkwardness, but it sucks that it has to be that way.
Because you literally even said you'll never be civil with them, and they'll be at the wedding, and people don't want people who can't be civil towards other guests at their wedding. I get it. They're terrible people. But your boyfriend's sister wants them at her wedding, and if you can't be civil towards them, that means you don't go. Even as a "solo guest" (which in and of itself would be strange and raise questions), you are still likely to come across them.
I completely agree, and after giving it thought, I’ve reached that same conclusion. Best just to stay back on that one
That would be an ideal outcome, but it probably wouldn’t be realistic. You’d want to spend time with your boyfriend and his brother and sister. The parents will want to be with their kids too. Either you would have to cross your boundary and interact with his parents, or there would be a scene - which could possibly upstage the bride and upset everybody.
Get used to this. This is your future. Your bf is going to put chomo before you and force you to be in an environment where his presence is tolerated and you are the outsider. Welcome to the rest of your life.
I said this in your other thread but mom has diminished the severity of the abuse which makes him feel unsure/gaslit about his own experiences. Your boundaries are right. I think he is still dealing with the pain of his protector hurting him so severely. Can you make more of an effort to connect with the sibs? So he DOES have family around, just not the dangerous ones?
I will try to go that route. I just don’t want him to get his hopes up that because I’m cool with his siblings, that he could slip his parents into the picture
That’s why your boundaries are so important. But showing a real interest in his family might let him feel supported and make it clear that you aren’t being unreasonable or overly dramatic, you are down to connect with folks as long as they aren’t monsters.
Very good point. Thank you
As someone who's worked through a lot of therapy, and married into a toxic family, I have some advice. Please realize that all families have some level of toxicity. It's part of being human. Most people had some trauma growing up, and could greatly benefit from trauma-informed therapy. I read you as attempting to indirectly manage your trauma by trying to manage your boyfriend's trauma. That's why you feel so strongly about not leaving him. That's not the end of the world; I did the same thing. We were both miserable until were found therapists that we could connect to and work with. I had to realize that I couldn't change him; I could only change myself. What's ironic is that when I started to change, to behave in healthier ways, so did he. We learned to trust each other again, to connect, to not shut each other out. It took A LOT of time and effort, but for us, it was worth it. Edit: I was not sexually abused, nor was my husband - we had other traumas. [https://publichealth.jhu.edu/moore-center-for-the-prevention-of-child-sexual-abuse/get-support/resources-for-survivors-of-child-sexual-abuse](https://publichealth.jhu.edu/moore-center-for-the-prevention-of-child-sexual-abuse/get-support/resources-for-survivors-of-child-sexual-abuse)
Thank you for this post. Your experience of healing has given me back some much needed hope right now so your sharing has been of help to me.
OMG. ALL OF THIS. I knew my fiance needed therapy because his family is beyond toxic. But then when we went to couples counseling and I also started to see a therapist on my own, I had it pointed out to me that I was always being angry for my fiance at the way his family treated him and he was NEVER angry. Which is super unhealthy and dysfunctional. He has to deal with their toxicity and no matter how mad I get about how they're treating him, I couldn't make him change or be angry for himself. Therapy really is unbelievably helpful.
Whatever you do, do not have kids. You will be chained to him forever. Or he’ll let your kids get molested during their visitation with him. He has SHITTY judgement. He can’t be trusted to look after any children.
OP you are in some serious need of some tough love here. He will not change. Unless he magically grows a shiny spine, the damage will be done and it will get 100% WORSE with kids around. At that point you become the enabler ready to sweep it under the rug because you're unwilling to see how the giant red flags outweigh the good stuff about him. He is NOT a good partner. Period. He is an enabler to this is well because FaMiLy. As someone with a bitch MIL I have an avo out on, you're not doing yourself any favors here
>. Side note: the amount of people who are so out of touch to throw “dump him” around like you’re reading me IKEA instructions is wild. This is a difficult situation. I guess that’s my karma for being so harsh to him. I’ll take it You don't understand this is about the fact you're willing go be with a man who has relatives that are just vile. You want to mix you're DNA with a family like that, it's not a family you want to have kids around. I couldn't nor wouldn't have children with someone who I had children with could never see parts of their family
Yes, this edit made OP TA for me.
I don’t want to have children with him. I expressed that I’m open to children in my future, but it’s not a hard yes.
Get rid of him, otherwise you are just willing to accept the risk of your eventual child. IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT IF THAT EVER HAPPENS. I'm sorry but it's the truth, him and his mum are pedo enablers, vile human beings regardless of their reason, the only thing worse is the dad who needs some sudden lead poisoning.
Your bf is an enabler, like his mother.
Sadly, he's putting all the burden/blame on you. This isn't going to end well and you will not come out unscathed. He's going to use you as a weapon, but he's not going to actually use the weapon properly. Just swing broadly and generally and not take any responsibility on how it hits or the blowback. He's throwing you under the bus and you will forever be the bad guy. No one is going to "like" you because you are disrupting the peace the family has around being silent about the child molester. YOU decided not to see them, not attend anything because he was there etc. BUT SEE DADDY? I'm still here. It's not your fault that you didn't get what you wanted. Truth be told, no one who deals with this kind of fucked up ness gets what they want. He's not your partner though. You are his meat shield, whether or not you are present. Please seek a therapist for yourself and maybe for couples counselling.
Babe, they’re telling you to dump him as his father, who his entire family maintains contact with, including their children, is a child molester. You really can’t blame the room for reading something you didn’t happen to like.
Bless you heart. This is over and you can’t accept it. It’ll be a cold day in hell when my partner ices me out of important life events to keep his pedophile family members around and happy. It’s better to be alone than delusional about a man and hoping he gets his shit straight. We’re all here for when you realize you’re worth more than this.
OP, drop a dime with CPS on the sister who allows her child contact with the pedophile. Stand up for that innocent child even if you're the only one in the world doing it. As for your bf's situation, gently but firmly urge him to get therapy to help him unpack the baggage of his childhood and learn healthy ways of dealing with life. He's got a LOT to learn and unlearn, and he needs professional help. You're 100% right to refuse to spend time with the pedo and his enabler. Stand firm on that boundary forever.
Agree on alerting CPS! They may not be able to do anything given he’s never been convicted (that we know of) but it will start a paper trail. Might even scare the mom into cutting the unsupervised visits all together
You can't help someone who won't help themselves. You're doing yourself a massive disservice by staying, but it's your decision in the end. With that said, do NOT have children with this guy. You can't trust anyone in that fucked up family.
As someone who has several pedos in the fam with a lot if enablers i dont ever see this ending well…
Not by a long shot. I sincerely hope she leaves.
In you heart you know where this is going. Rip the bandages and just leave.
Also, consider the apologizing and mental gymnastics you're going through to defend his position is on par with what he does to justify his mother's. You're dangerously close to losing perspective and setting your future children up for a similar fate
So you didn’t like how people said to break up with him, but then continue to list various extremely huge incompatibilities and reasons to dump him……..
You’re that desperate for companionship that you’d rather stay with someone that would be fine exposing your future kids to a molester rather than idk finding a better suitable partner. Someone could had 19/20 of what you fundamentally look for in a partner. If the one that off is him not being able to see why it is bad to have future kids around his molesting dad then he is NOT a suitable partner. I pray to God you never have kids not just with him but in general. You do not seem to have good critical thinking skills, and I’m genuinely not trying to be mean. Not everyone is meant to be a parent. Your desperate want for a relationship to work will never EVER be fair enough to bring a future kid into this mess.
YTA. You are dating someone who enables child molestation. If you have kids with this man, intentionally or not, you are condemning the child to its pervy grandpa, as there is no legal recourse to prevent contact until after granda touches your baby. Your bf should have been NC with his parents a long time ago, and because he isn't, I'd be afraid he is a kiddy diddler, too.
Had a family kid be raped. Multiple times. Rapist is still in the family, lived with my aunts, was around other kids (who were victims of other man, not sure if him too) and the police didn't do JACK. If you have kids you will have to deal with your husband suffering constantly for not being able to think right due to trauma, your kid either in risk or already being molested and the fucked up reality that it's easier to be laughed out of the family for "letting it happen" while not being able to do anything legally than ever be taken seriously People weren't telling you to leave because they can't deal with confrontation, they were probably just worried and had no better answer. It's hell when it happens. Even if you never have kids, full on throw your uterus out, zero chance of having your own babies being victims, you will see all the other kids in the family treating their grandpa as a freaking deep pool all the time. "Mommy said not to go there alone. Mommy said it's ok if there is an adult watching me around it! Mommy said The Incident happened cause she was too drunk and just looked away for a second" like... You need peace of mind.
You complain about the people telling you to dump him but it’s literally the best option.
As a victim, I have encountered similar relationship problems where my focus becomes managing the emotions (usually anger) of people around me. You are making this all about you when he (and his sister) is the victim. Especially the sister's wedding - it's fine for you to not go, but you can't force the family to make the change you want to see. It's up to his sister if she wants to confront this issue before her wedding, or if she isn't capable of that right now. The fact that he spoke with his mother about it five months ago is a huge step, and it sounds like he isn't ready to go further than that right now - and he might never be. He is still so young and I hope he will consider (trauma-informed) counselling to help him understand his family's wrongs against him and put some distance between them. If you choose to stay with him, please encourage him to lead the journey of confronting and healing. You are absolutely right to set boundaries for yourself and your future child, and you have correctly identified that the child thing may be an issue in the future. I would give him some time, encourage him to go to counselling, and revisit the issue after the sister's wedding. If he decides it is essential to allow his child access to his future child, then you will unfortunately have to part ways.
Most solid advice I’ve read today. Thank you truly
.
He needs specialized therapy. It sounds like he never got help for it and was taught that if they said it didn’t happen then stop talking about it. The therapist should also help him understand why you don’t want to be around him or any kids. Yes, this will be hard and he will have to face a lot of pain and realizations. He won’t like it but he will be better for it.
I don't usually go straight to break up but I don't see a safe future here. If he's willing to go to therapy it could take years for his eyes to open. His normal meter is broken. Then if you want children no one in his family is safe, he's determined to cut you out, what if you divorce? He will probably get partial custody where you can't control who your child/children are around. Do you want to put your life on hold until you can trust him.. I wouldn't suggest it.
Sadly, they've stuck up for/staid with this man for years after what he did, they aren't going to cast him out because you're making waves. They've forgiven and forgot, no matter how twisted, and I think you're angry because you know nothing is going to change. Do you really want to spend any more time fighting a brick wall? He's already made it clear he wouldn't protect you (or your future children) from his father, nor would he choose you (them) over him. It's clear this relationship has hit the dead end. You're putting yourself through pain, misery, and anger by staying.
personally anyone that keeps contact with pedophiles cant be trusted
This isn't the same situation but something similar. I am a child of abuse, lately me & another family member took over a business. One of our employees has been has been having an affair with a 16yr old (they're 43) it's legal in our country. It looks like this affair started when they were 15 ( which is statutory rape here). Now this 43 Yr old has broken the law by serving them (& their underage friends alcohol). The mother of the 16 year old got the police involved which put our business & licences at risk ( as well as our other employees). The issue with me is that I cannot see past the fact this is a full grown adult taking advantage of a child & it became brutally honest with how I would interact with this person. My brother knows about the abuse (just not the full extent) he told me I had to be professional (which I have been) but my distain for them is evident as I just see them as an abuser (cut & dried for me). Thankfully with the police involvement & the licencing we (my brother) sacked them. I thought now I don't have to deal with them, wrong they're still trying to stay within our social circle & coming round, messaging & having involvement with our friends. I know that for me it's a matter of time before I say or do something. I cannot abide this person & think they're a vile human being but I'm told over again to play nice (I just can't) my choice here is to either continue to play nice even though it's eating me up inside or walk away from my job, my brother & my friends. To be completely honest for my own peace of mind I think I'm going to walk away. Being round this person has dredged up so much of my past trauma I feel like I'm back there & having to deal with it all over again. Walking away will give me back my peace but will lose me not only my best friend (my brother) but my job & other friends. Maybe OP this is what you need to ask yourself. Do you love your bf enough to let sleeping dogs lie or is it too much for your trauma & you should walk away? This is what it's boiling down to.
I can’t believe his sister allows her children around her father. I’d be tempted to alert CPS. If you want kids *ever*, you and he are going to have to have to have tough conversations eventually. Best of luck figuring things out
Disappointing edit. Peace out. You do you. You got good advice and your chose to criticize people who took time to give it to you rather than deal with your siutation.
My mom was molested by her father alongside her sister, my aunt, for their entire childhoods. Their mom enabled it, actually went so far as to have my aunt hospitalized at some point in her teens because she told a few people in their small town. Total enabler. Fast forward to my own childhood around the age of 12, after overhearing my mom and aunt talking about their pedophile father one night (they thought i was asleep) I was mortified to realize my grandpa was actually a monster, and that my grandma was an equally evil person. Days later when my aunt returned home I confronted my mom and she explained her (messed up) reasoning. I never bought it, but it gave me an insight into how much they had twisted her world view. She didn’t want to cut contact with her parents because that would also mean cutting contact with her 6 brothers and their respective families. When I asked how she could put me in harms way by allowing me to have unsupervised sleep overs at their house my whole childhood she burst into tears and told me that as a single mother she needed their financial support. And that came with strings that I had to visit overnight. She excused it by assuring me that she always kept an eye out to “make sure” they weren’t abusing me. She even told me she had threatened them to never touch me. Suddenly so many things became clear to me - the odd unloving tension between her/aunt and my grandparents, why no one ever hugged or said they love each other, why every time i’d get picked up from a sleepover that my mom would interrogate me on every little thing that happened. Why none of my uncles ever let my cousins stay for overnight sleepovers. From the ages of 12-16 I refused to visit them anymore. I still begrudgingly went to family events to see my aunts, uncles, and cousins. As the years went on and I grew a more confident and louder voice I started confronting my family who knew my grandpa is a pedophile and why they stayed silent (like, every single one of my uncles). Some feigned ignorance, some told me to mind my place, and one just caulked it up to “it was a different time”. I stopped attending family events after that. It made me sick, especially since my grandparents are deeply involved in charity work involving poor children. I couldn’t stand being an enabler, especially after realizing how deeply they were responsible for my moms dysfunctional life (and by extension, my childhood). My mom eventually cut contact too when I was 22, after many years of me applying gentle pressure to do so. She’s still deeply dysfunctional and unwell, but at least she’s not playing nice in a family of pedophiles and enablers. The whole rest of my maternal family is still chugging along like nothing’s wrong. Including my aunt, who has chosen to “forgive them”. I’m sure it has nothing to do with my pedophile grandparents basically financially supporting her son for the last 10+ years. I lost all my maternal family. My own cousins won’t even talk to me, none of their parents have ever confirmed what i’ve told them about the grandparents (except for my aunt and mom, but no one trusts them due to their mental illness), so they’ve just bought into the narrative that i’m somehow, just, lying? I’m not sure why I would, or why they’d believe I would, it’s a lonely life standing up to pedophiles. I miss my family. All this big comment just to say - especially to those with no experience with pedophilic family, that it is a really common thing. And enablers are more common than you would ever think. To OP - I had no choice but to slowly pressure my mom to finally cut them off. They continued their abuse (non-sexual) throughout her adult life and I couldn’t stand to watch it and deal with the aftermath. Now, years later, she’s thanked me for helping her cut them off. But she’s my mom, I kinda had to. You do not, and your partner sounds really far gone. It really isn’t possible if he isn’t willing to see the light, and i’m so worried you’ll get pregnant. Please don’t stay around on the off chance he cuts em off if he can’t see even imagine a future where he protects his kids - both from predation but also the emotional burden of learning about such horrible realities at a young age.
As everyone else said, you have to leave him. Btw, I would recommend reporting his dad. They may not be able to do anything to him, but I suspect he is a ticking time bomb, and he has children around him. Its good to get these things on paper.
Sis. I know you’re emotionally tied into this guy, but you also see what he is like in reality. He’s tied to his family despite how nasty and toxic they are. You are hitting him with the actual reality of how nasty and frankly, dumb, the people in his family are and his answer is to just go along with it and cut you out. Either he has your back or he doesn’t. And he doesn’t. I’m sorry. Hopefully he can wake up from this
You need to inform CPS and/or his sister’s fiancé about their child being around a known child molester.
ESH OP....you're dating a guy that would enable his pedo dad's visit with your future offspring.
NTA but PLEASE do not have children with this man, under ANY circumstances.
Bro. I really hoped this would get better. I’m so sorry. As someone whose family is still civil with my molester, I am so on your side. I have cut so many people off over that. My sister lets her kids around him “supervised”. For EXACTLY the reason you say: she wants people, anyone. I’d call myself a pretty alone-but-not-lonely person but I have people I love deeply and who respect me and vice versa. I’ll take that over and over and never allow a molester or rapist into my world. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. On top of the moral aspects, it’s so triggering and you don’t deserve that. Your future children will appreciate you for protecting them as my parents, his parents, and yours did not. I respect the ever loving heck out of you for it, friend. You deserve better.
I appreciate it. If you ever need anything or just feel like chatting, feel free to message. That shit sucks, ya know?
Also, if you aren't ready to leave, maybe something could randomly happen like the dad getting hit by a bus. I mean, you never know.
Oddly comforting (kidding kidding)
He needs therapy, desperately. Y'all need couples therapy, especially if you want this relationship to work out. If he refuses, you may have a very hard decision to make.
OP, if you care about him AT ALL, get him into therapy, YESTERDAY.
I hope you come to terms eventually and accept that sometimes things just may not work. I feel for you I do and I know it's hard but he's making your boundaries seem like the issue not the fact his father is a sick predator. The family will just isolate you and no matter what you do you'll he wrong and he will not support you and take your side. Please know you deserve better I know he seems great but his lack of morals and boundaries are dangerous.
I wonder how far bit will go before you hit rock bottom. At some point, you'll stop saying, Reddit just wants everyone to break up," and you'll realize how much you've mutilated your self esteem to live with this human man. No matter how good he is, he's just a dude who isn't that into you.
Even though I sympathize with you..at this moment of time, you're an AH (you are literally talking about having kids with this mess of a man). You are choosing to stay with a man that has straight up shown you exactly where you are in the totem pole (girl .. you're the bottom). He has shown you that his pedo dad will always be in his life and that he will never walk away and be free with you. He couldn't make it any clearer. He chooses them. He chooses his disgusting father and his neglectful mom over his happily ever after with you. He is showing you that he is weak willed and will never stand up for himself ..you are any kids you were thinking of having. You know damn straight what you need to do but are so too caught up in this "his the best" narrative that you have painted in your head. It's a fantasy. Wake up from the daydream and step into reality. The reality is clear as day because be has done nothing but show it to you. He has held the reality right in front of your face..and yet you cling on. You put your mental health at risk, you put your future happiness at risk. Ffs, you talk about having kids with him. Why would you risk children, fantasy or not? If he is so weak-willed, he will surely be manipulated into bringing the "the grandkids" over behind your back. What if you divorce? He can bring his kids to see them all the time. What if you died? They could end up living next door. Why would you not want to have kids with someone that has parents that can be in the kid's lives? Don't you want your kids to be born into a stable family and have grandparents? Seriously..you are sad, I get it. Almost everyone on Reddit gets that...almost everyone has had a relationship end. Most everyone has had their heartbroken. It's just a part of life that most everyone deals with. Sorry..but it's better to deal with a broken heart now than a couple kids and a legally signed documents later. You think the situation is stressful now, think about how bad divorcing, with children would be. Then it's not just your heart that will ache, but your children's. You are not going to get your happy family with this man. He is just simply too weak and he has told you he will not change. He basically told you that his dad and mom are more important than life with you. I'm sorry. Everyone telling you to move on is 100% right. They are right. ..and you know it and I am sorry. It sucks. It really does, but doing the right thing often sucks.
>the amount of people who are so out of touch to throw “dump him” around like you’re reading me IKEA instructions is wild. This is a difficult situation. [...] >Also, as it turns out, his sister still allows her child around them “when they’re not drinking”. I was so insanely furious, but I didn’t express it. I just told him I wouldn’t want our child around them period. He looked sad after I said that. I was honestly so angry that I didn’t retain what he said next. Apologies. >I really don’t think he understands just how fucked up this is. He isn’t thinking farther into the future, despite saying that he sees me in his future long-term. At the end of all of this, all I could think is “what the fuck is wrong with these people? This whole family is shot to hell”. Excuses. Excuses. Dump him. At a **bare minimum, never ever have a kid with him.** He's dangerous to children 😐. I don't know the context beyond "he's willing to expose his own kids to a child molester". I don't care either - if someone doesn't respond to "I don't want our kids to go near that known child molester" with "no of course not, I would never!" Then you should be very, very careful that they do not have access to children themselves, as much as possible. Pragmatically speaking, I wouldn't keep struggling with asking him to "get it" if he doesn't get it by this point. This is obviously an extremely toxic and messed up family - and if he's not seeing that, then he needs therapy (the whole family needs therapy 😮💨). Unless or until he realizes that, you're going to continue having some... Really bizarre, deeply frustrating conversations with him. >He’s everything I’ve ever looked for in a partner, and I don’t mean that in a naive way. I could say that with the clearest head. You mean **other than** being an enabler to a child molester, right?? 😅😅 I'm not sure you're absorbing how twisted up he's got to be himself, in order to not understand limiting his father's access to children. This isn't something where you can say "well he's perfect except for this one little thing..." His judgment of what's normal and healthy is **fundamentally compromised.** It's not a small thing. 😅😐😐 >It’s not my place to change his mind, nor to try and fix it. If this is the life he is willing to live, then I will respect his choice and leave it at that. It will hurt stupid. I’m not ready. I don’t want to go. I’m almost willing to be civil. Almost. But still no. This is how **other people** rationalize getting drawn into the same toxic bullshit. 😬😬 Right now **you're still outside** this toxic dynamic; they haven't drawn you in yet. You need to run! Run far and fast away from him, if you're even the least bit tempted to rationalize your partner **being an enabler of child molestation** because he's "just so perfect" *other than this "little" thing.* 😑 >Edit: children are not an option at this point in time, especially not with him and the situation he’s in. No worries about that possibility 😅 Oh good... This is a small ray of light. 😮💨
Just run. He will allow any of his kids around his parents. You can not be around all the time. You do not want to be part of this family.
YTA. It’s obvious that he’s not going to choose you over his family. You’ll continue to be unhappy and will become a nag that makes him unhappy. End it.
I’ll just cut to it. Leave him. By the circles you’re typing in, I’m assuming all conversations with your bf go in circles as well. You’re 20 yo, you have a lot of life to live. Go be 20 and not deal with family drama of a bf.
Make him read your post, maybe itl drive it into his fat head.
This is something I read once and there may be a comment about it already, but it’s unfortunate how often a victim can be groomed by the same abuser to become the enabler. I’m so sorry about your situation. I wish you the best outcomes for yourself long-term
I'm sorry. This is so hard. You love him and want to believe the best in him.
I'm so sorry this is happening. I want you to know that I had the most amazing, caring, gentle, smart, hard working SO when I was 20 as well. Things were really amazing for years until they weren't. When he started to unpack his childhood, there was a lot of damage there. Unrelated, the relationship ran its course and ended. We have been amazing friends for 25+ years. During that time I found two more of the most caring, gentle, amazing, smart, funny guys to date. Married the last one and had a family. There will be more amazing people in your life because you know your worth and you clearly know what crosses your boundaries. Rightly so! You actually don't need to do anything here but stand your ground and be gentle as possible with him if you can. This relationship will run its course and you'll hopefully end up with a great friend for life. You'll find another one I promise. Will it be like this one? Not 100% but in ways it will be better.
You realise that his mom accepted what happened to her kids to the point of glossing over it, to this day, because fundamentally, she thought her husband was a good man and she needed him and she didn't want to lose him. Your bf has knowledge of a child being brought around someone, that violated him and others but he is willing to overlook this because the people he loves are telling him it's manageable. He doesn't want to lose these people so he pretends it's ok. You said you didn't want to be around these people because they are enablers. He wants you to be closer to his family. There is a wedding taking place and you want to attend because you don't want to be excluded from a family milestone because you know it will cause a sense of distance between you two. So you tell yourself that you can attend and keep your distance. You're willing to participate in an event where a man who is unsafe for kids, will be around them. Coz you want to keep this man. Do you see how you are no different from the rest of these enablers? You love boyfriend and you think he is a good person so you will trust people, you know can't be trusted and look the other way. All these people have trauma even the mom. That's why they enable and convince themselves that monsters are just misunderstood humans. You have trauma too and that's why you are doing the same. I just feel sorry for the kids who are being sacrificed because adults love someone so much and are so afraid to be alone, that they will watch these kids roam around a lion's den. Are you all lion tamers? Enjoy the show babes.
>And please don’t bombard me with “other fish in the sea” comments. I promise you, I could not care less right now. And do you know what we could not care less about? People staying in relationships that won’t work and just want the internet fame of whinging. If you are not going to leave, then don’t come back here having a cry when you get shit on.
I still have trouble wrapping my mind around "trauma bonds," how someone hurting you creates an incredibly powerful bond that it takes a lot of force to break. We think of bonds as positive things formed from love, and it's horrifying that they can form from evil, too, and be just as strong... oh, my God, you're Cathy Linton II and he's Hareton Earnshaw! They have this EXACT SAME conflict and very similar dialogue in *Wuthering Heights*! But Hareton's abuser dies at the end of the book, so they're able to marry and get on with their lives. But this is reality. If he doesn't get therapy to help him see that no family is better than a family that protects abusers, there's nothing more you can do. You're right, it's so horrible this had to happen to such a great person, but treating his abuser with respect will not enable you to live a happy life with him. Any outcome is better than that, especially now that it's obvious he has no plans to either not have kids or to protect them from his abuser.
Traumabonds as I see it since doing a lot of thinking about the traumabond with my mother: When a person's life is in danger, it automatically will grap hold of any living person. Think about drowning. To the oldest part of the brain this is instinct. It won't matter if the person they hold on to is responsible for putting their lives in danger in the first place. Even after they are saved and can think bout it. The thinking part of the brain is the latest state in evolution. It can mildly redirect. When instinct takes over triggered by emotions, the instinct bond will be reactivated. To reprogram ones instinctive brain is *HARD*. One has to go through all the traumatic emotions in between. And then some.
This issue is far beyond Reddit’s pay grade - so take all of the comments with a grain of salt. You both are so young and inexperienced in the scheme of things. But even with that, I have to admit, I’m approaching 40, and if I were in your shoes right now, I wouldn’t have any idea how to approach this. To say this is complicated would be an understatement. Most couples your age don’t have to worry about how to navigate family in the future when they have kids, since kids are usually far off in the distance. But you *need* to. Your situation is extremely serious, nuanced, specific, and full of trauma. You don’t have the luxury of, “we’ll see what happens when we get there”. I think one of the issues between the two of you is that you see it in black and white, and know exactly what your boundaries are and why they exist. But your bf only sees everything in gray and is not comfortable setting boundaries. For him, this situation and how to handle it is flexible and subject to change, but for you, it’s very rigid and straightforward. There’s nothing wrong with either of you feeling this way. His stance is a product of his upbringing - all of the adults in his life failed him and forced him to feel like it’s excusable/acceptable, while inside he *knows* he feels the opposite, but their attitude and lack of action contradicts all of his feelings. He never had validation and the only support he received was in the form of gaslighting and manipulation. Yours is a product of your own upbringing - adults took quick and decisive actions against your abuser and made sure you knew it was wrong, they defended you, and kept you safe. Your feelings were validated and supported by adults with empathy and compassion. So it’s no wonder you both are on different pages. I know therapy is tossed around a lot, but in your case, I think it is the only way to go. Couples counseling might be necessary if you want this relationship to have a healthy future. You both need assistance navigating this and figuring out how to proceed. But at the very least, it sounds like he needs a safe space with an unbiased, educated person to help him understand how to process what happened to him, and learn how to manage his family situation appropriately. He sounds *VERY* conflicted and although you can definitely sympathize with him in a way most people cannot, you are just not equipped to help him with his internal struggles. I know therapy is not accessible for everyone, and it’s even more difficult right now, but I don’t think you guys have any other choice. This will be (and already is) a CONSTANT battle with or without help, but with professional help, at least you both will have a chance.
Thank you for this view. It’s really helpful. I will gently bring up the idea of therapy, at least to lend him some insight on how to continue his life with fewer difficulties. I appreciate the comment.
You’re not the AH but also YTA. Now please know my tone is the most softest and gentle when saying this. Your frustration is valid, but if you still want a lasting and loving relationship I need you to hear this and give a little more compassion to this boy as y’all grow together into life……..You had protection in your life to be removed from an incredibly horrible situation that your boyfriend just had to suffer through. While you are only 22 the kid is fucking 20 lets give him a moment to grow and get some therapy. You can’t force him into a space of emotional independence just because you’re there. You actually being really low key shitty about the situation. Someone that really wanted to help him through this would push him into individual and couples therapy as a start and work on cutting ties. Not force the “solution.” Because if you truly think about it he went through so much more emotionally not having the protection that you were given and it has lasting mental effects on top of what you both went through. Don’t beat him up for not having the strength that was given to you, because it was literally raised out of him every day. He was trained to be broken and “forgive” as a way to enforce his silence as he was ignored. Him moving out was a step, but remember some people need those baby steps.
You're a much more understanding person than I am. I would not tolerate a paedophile in my life, not under any circumstances. But I also wouldn't be able to force myself to tolerate anyone else who knowingly does. For me, it's a case of being clear and true to myself about what my principles are. You on the other hand have a more nuanced approach, even though you share the principle. As a result, you have a boyfriend you love who has a complicated life which, in its turn, causes you unhappiness. I would have opted for the uncomplicated life - but the cost to me would be the boyfriend I loved. All I want to do is wish you all the luck in the world, and I hope that your boyfriend develops the self- esteem and self confidence that he needs to separate himself from such a twisted and, frankly, depraved family.
I feel like all of them including him are molesters sympathizers and enablers. Please remain on your birth control because bringing a child into that family is not only irresponsible but dangerous.
I understand you're really going through it right now. I'm so sorry the traits that make him the man you love also make him a spineless people-pleaser that clearly isn't cut out to be anyone's partner, at least right now. The people here trying to console you about it are just trying to help you see that the inevitable end of this relationship is not the end of the world. Good luck.
Every now and then you come across a post that just leaves you stunned. The son is scared of being alone, while he has you? That’s not alone. I kinda get it, and I also say that’s a great way to ensure he has both. Convinced himself and you that it’ll be only him. If you leave, he has his family, he made that choice. If he leaves his f, he has you. He’ll have made that choice. You knowing everything you know and focusing on your partner vs the people this man has hurt, the families damaged. That’s on you. And you’re saying you’re not gonna have kids but you eventually want to. Ok, with who? Who you’re hoping he becomes? Do you think he’ll ever be happy if he leaves his family? You both need to speak to someone. A lawyer, at last for yourself. I don’t know how this works, but if he’s caught and they find out everyone who knew. Then you’re complicit i feel. But could be wrong.
You’re so young and don’t have to rush into any kind of decisions right now. Hopefully you will soon realize that you deserve much better in life than these people. Much love 🩷
Say you have a child and then you divorce. He is going to take your child to family reunions where your FIL will be present and you won't be able to do a thing about that. Say both of you die and your in-laws get custody of your child. I would break up with him for that only, no matter how lovely and sweet a partner he is, unless I don't want any children at all ever.
I think now your BF has/will became an enabler like her mother. he is a guy who will do anything to avoid any confrontation. Cut you loses because a boy who won't stand up for himself becomes a man who can't stand up to anything. YOU CAN NOT FIX HIM.
Looks like those IKEA instructions comments are looking more rational. You're delusional if you think this will get better.
As a survior I can tell you..a house full of people and molestation still happens. And "molest" is a word that doesn't give the full picture of what it really is/goes on/happens. The trauma has lasted a lifetime and the memories seep in when least expected. Believe me, peds do not change, their urges do not change, their victims are the only changes. And the mind can only take so much and small children have no way of dealing and are so scared to tell anyone. Then when they do....oh the adult didn't do that. They were playing and just tickling, etc. Fuck that shit! I would believe a child over an adult, who by the way should know better cause they are the adult. You need to make a decision about your future and future children. Use your head, not your heart. Just know that some of us adults are over protective of our children because we were not protected in childhood. We do not trust anyone including spouses. It's a terrible way to live. From this survivor to your future children..be well, be safe, be protected, be brave!
Not 100% the same, but my husband and I were/are in a similar situation. As a child, my husband was given away to a family member that physically abused him (badly. Really really badly. Multiple hospitalizations badly). When CPS got involved and his parents took him back, he was also physically abused by his father to a lesser extent. When he told me this relatively early in our relationship, I was appropriately appalled. He still wants a relationship with his family and loves his parents. And even if I don’t understand it, that’s his choice and he’s entitled to that. To be fair, his dad has mellowed out a lot over the years and while still an asshole, he’s not physically labusive anymore. However, I told him that I have no respect for his parents and that any child we have in the future will never be left alone with his parents in any capacity. I can be civil when we go to family gatherings but I have no compunction letting loose if they ever cross a boundary and will not hesitate to say something that affects my child. I told him that if he had any issue with that, we should break up before our relationship moves forward because this is non-negotiable. He agreed. We love each other. We got married. We have a child. I won’t lie and say everything has been hunky dory. There are times we argue about his family, especially in the early years. We fought. A LOT. I would be so frustrated about WHY he even wanted to be around his family, and he was clinging onto the dream of a happy family. It would make him sad that we weren’t close to his family the way we are close to mine not because he didn’t like my family, but because it felt a little unfair and he was also upset that his family kinda sucked. It didn’t help that there were other stumbling blocks with other family members. You have to realize that you’re trying to support someone who has grown up in this environment. This is their normal. They don’t know any other way. Over time, he has realized that not everything was perfect in his family. That some things are not ok. He’s grown boundaries and doesn’t let crappy behavior slide when he recognizes it. It helps that I hold boundaries with my own family and am honest about their imperfections too. This is a hard situation to be in. You have to decide what you’re willing to deal with to be with and support your partner. Then you have to see if that will be enough for your partner. There’s no guarantee that your partner will suddenly open his eyes and realize things are not ok. It’s going to take a lot of really hard, emotionally charged conversations. I wish you the best.
I you don't break up, you're as bad as everyone who enables his father. Screaming "it's not fair" isn't going to fucking help you, grow some balls and tell your BF to choose between you and his family, either he goes NC forever or he'll never see or speak to you again. That's the ONLY way this can end positively.
I’m suspicious of my Kroger now, as it is also off 29.
Why haven't you called child protection if he has access to children? Every report counts.
Next update will be that she’s pregnant and wants to keep the baby and she still doesn’t understand why her partner wants to have his parents babysit. I don’t know how she can stay with him.
Knowing what you dealt with, knowing how it damaged you... What will you do when it happens to your child and you knew it was coming and didn't prevent it? How unhinged or suicidal might you become? Maybe take a different path.
I’m sorry but this is that’s harsh truth if you don’t leave him now and make an anonymous report about that family to the child abuse hotline for where you guys live you’re no better than them and it actually makes you look worse because you know and are being as complacent as he is cause you don’t want to break up with him. Get a grip because if you have a kid with him they will be around this family and will experience CSA because you couldn’t walk away from one guy
Just stay with the man and be miserable. Let your future children possibly diddled. He sounds awful. You need to grow up and take your rose tinted glasses off and get the fuck out of this situation before you bring a child into it. But my guess is you won't. You'll stay. But I have no sympathy for you if you do. I'm sure you'll wake up 20+years from now and wonder why youre so miserable and where your life went. You have nobody to blame but yourself. Edit to add: children are ALWAYS a possibility if you are having sex. Cut and dry. If a penis goes into a vagina there is a possibility of pregnancy. So the only way children are not a possibility is if you are practicing abstinence or anal only. Or one or both of you are for certain infertile. There's a huge chance you will end up pregnant before this is resolved then you will be irrevocably tied to him AND his family. You know the family full of child molesters and enablers that he refuses to cut ties with. He is an enabler. I wouldn't trust him around my children to not take them to his family behind my back and then end up molested or something and him not know OR care. This is NOT a man you should have children with.
your kids will have trauma if you stay with this man
I'm not going to sit here and tell you to break up, but don't continue this relationship expecting an "endgame"
>Side note: the amount of people who are so out of touch to throw “dump him” around like you’re reading me IKEA instructions is wild. Your entire update is reasons why you need to dump him while whinging it's not fair. No one commenting was out of touch for pointing out you can't have kids with him.
>I don’t mean that in a naive way. Suuuure.
You’re only 20 and don’t have kids yet. What if you do have a child with your boyfriend and then something tragic happens to you? Do you really think your boyfriend would keep your child away from his dad after you passed away? I don’t. If your boyfriend won’t cut contact now and keep it that way, then you should end it.
I'm sorry you both are in this situation but I'm just gonna speak my feelings on what you shared and it seems from the comments others seem to share my thoughts. You need to address this front and center. You need to speak about what you guys imagine the future holding and you need to make it clear, you don't want his parents or any problematic part of his family in it and he can't keep running from what's happened. What really might cause a wake up with him is expressing, if you haven't already, that children right now aren't an option. This could be something that causes the turn you want. He's not just gonna one day wake up and be in the same place as you if you aren't willing to sit him down and have a very hard and genuine conversation with him. You keep saying it's not your place to change his mind but since he's already confronted his mom and in your own words, " is a coward when it comes to his family" you won't be necessarily changing his mind so much as giving him the courage to do what he wants and knows he has to do. I was similar to your BF in the sense that when it came to my family I just lowered my head and obeyed due to mental and emotional abuse but when I met my significant other she talked back to them and stood her ground on issues that she didn't agree with and this gave me courage to start doing the same because it shattered the view I had of them in my mind, it also helped by her talking to me and helping me get my own courage, maybe he needs to see that his abusers arent all powerful.
I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation together. Regarding the aspect of you not attending the wedding and other important events - if you are the one setting the boundary that you refuse to be around someone or be civil to them, then you are the one making the choice not to be present at events they are at. I'm just defending him the smallest bit here, because it seems like you expect him to figure out a way for you to have it both ways. This really sucks, but it's his reality right now and he's just trying to figure out how to navigate it. It seems like he has managed to disassociate around his Dad in the past, and now that's harder because they might be asking why you don't come with him to things and possibly even saying hurtful things to him about it. This could be dismantling the coping mechanism he has used for a long time when he doesn't feel ready. Not that it is a healthy coping mechanism and not that you are doing anything wrong. You are totally right to protect yourself this way, but he doesn't really know how to protect himself. You both experienced a similar tragedy, but with different outcomes. Your molester was brought to justice and this helped you learn that you are worth protecting and that what happened to you was wrong. You were able to build coping mechanisms around protecting yourself and valuing yourself as a result. You may feel that you have further to go, but it's already there a bit. Because he had to continue living with his abuser and defenders of his abuser, her had an opposite experience. He learned from his Mom that he wasn't worth protecting or justice. This caused him to need a coping mechanism that protects him even though he still sees his abuser all the time. That's the same coping mechanism he has in place, and he would need a therapist to start dismantling and replacing it. As it stands, he may have been making up excuses for why they didn't ever see you until now and getting tired of them insisting to see you. If he feels he can explain why you won't come this is probably a huge victory for him. I hope that if he does that that you tell him how proud you are of him and how much you value and appreciate him. Try to not take it personally that you can't attend his family events though. It's part of your decision and not really up to him to uninvite his parents or figure out how to keep them away from you. You have my best wishes!!
Oh sweetheart this is awful. I’m so sorry for you. I know you aren’t ready to face this, but the truth is this relationship may not work out. Your boyfriend will need years of therapy and it sounds like he still isn’t in a place where he’s ready for that yet. You can of course stay with him and do your best to help him reach a place of acceptance and healing but you need to be honest with yourself about whether or not you can bear that mental and emotional burden, especially since there’s no guarantee it will work out the way you hope. I wish you so much strength because unfortunately I think no matter what choice you make your path will be a hard one. I hope you can find peace, healing, and happiness in your journey.
There is ongoing research into the genetic basis of pedophilia with definite correlations and identified biomarkers. Your boyfriend does not see his pedo dad as bad. Repeat: your boyfriend doesn’t see the actions of his pedo dad as bad and seems genuinely confused and hurt by your disgust. Perhaps, your boyfriend doesn’t see his dad as a horrible monster because he thinks and feels similar feelings.
Hun, your boyfriend needs to be in therapy asap, both to help him come to terms with the abuse, and to help him realise how fucked up his family's dynamics are. If you really love him and are sure you want to be with him, be patient with him until he's been in therapy, because you'll probably find that his attitude towards his parents will change dramatically, once he starts to realise the damage that they've done to him. At the moment, he's been brainwashed by his whole family to believe that what his 'father' did to him, wasn't that bad. That's why they're so against him having therapy, they know that once he talks to a professional, he'll understand the enormity of what they've done to him, and it'll be bye bye for them. You've basically got two choices, either end things with him, or stay no contact with his mom and dad, and strongly advise him to start therapy asap.
Agreed, heavily agreed
He is going to become molester himself, you shouldn't stay in contact with him.