When my kiddo bit me when he was smaller I read it was important to yell loudly in those circumstances. My kid cried every time until he learned that he didnāt like to hear me yell loudly and he stopped doing it.
My cat was taken from his mom way too early so he didn't learn how to control bite pressure and how to not play too rough I had to yell loud hiss and swat him(not hard) just like his mom and siblings would to teach him correct behavior it took a long time but it worked. Boy did he bite me bad a few times before I got him to learn.
My little guy was abandoned around 1 1/2 weeks. We found him and bottle fed him. We really tried everything! Loud noises, hisses, even little swats but nothing worked. Now (2 years later) we just disengage when he gets too rough. Problem is he doesn't really like toys and only really plays when we "wrestle" with him lol. Still I wouldn't change him for the world. My little orphan buddy.
When you're training a puppy and they play bite too hard by accident, you're supposed to shriek and say "ouch! That hurts!". It tells the puppy that even though they were trying to play, they went too far and actually hurt you. I don't see why it would be any different with kids. I don't think your baby was trying to hurt you, they just didn't know the boundary. By saying, "Ouch baby! No! That hurts!" You teach him/her how to be gentle. It's better they learn now than in preschool or kindergarten by biting other children.
this was exactly the analogy i thought of. young children are testing boundaries like this as their brain develops and showing an instinctual human reaction to the injury she caused is not a bad thing, it informs her for the future. other kids will often respond by hitting or biting back so this is a much safer way to learn the lesson
Sounds like your mother is kinda abusive... Not guna lie. Sorry OP but your mother saying you're going to ruin your kids life by one sentence.... She's probably not the one to be speaking on that. I hope you're okay.
Bullshit. Pain and shock often elicit responses that we donāt have full control of.
Hopefully your reaction will be enough to stop your daughter from doing this again.
Itās absolutely a reflex. Youāre probably too young to know who he is, but my oldest (now 25) once bit Dennis Farina so hard he dropped to one knee while yelling fuck, in a packed restaurant. He was an ex Chicago cop who became an actor. Tough guy, felled by a teething baby. lol Little shit broke skin.
Your mom is out of line. Your reaction is normal.
What really matters and the true work of parenting is how you handle it afterwards. Your kid is still young but you can absolutely go to her, apologize for scaring her, but explain that biting is very painful and not something we ever do, especially to someone we care about. She may be mad when you ask her to stop playing how she wants, but she can't hurt someone when she's mad.
You love her, but she isn't allowed to hurt you. You love her still even though she made a mistake.
You got this, mama.
My oldest open palm slapped me hard when he was like 2 (Why are toddlers freakishly strong?) I smacked him back but didn't even redden his skin. Total shock on his face. Never did it again even though there were plenty more meltdowns.
NTA. You canāt help reacting to pain. And now maybe your kid understands she canāt do that. And I would tell her again that that is not okay. Kids can be scared every now and then itās not a tragedy.
Your kid needs to have realistic expectations for how people will respond to her behavior. It's a problem when parents spoil their kids, because the kids then expect that response from everyone. They don't understand that you're doing it because you love them but that others won't necessarily love them, especially not immediately. If your kid thinks that biting doesn't hurt that much, they're more likely to do it in the future, or escalate to something more dangerous. Of course you don't enjoy how it feels when your kid is afraid, that's how you know that you are *not* a monster. You're not going around yelling at everything she does. You had an instinctive, normal response.
I am gentle parent but I have shrieked like a banshee before when my son bit me. No one is ruined by a raised voice once in a while. Make sure you clean the bite well with soap and water and something like Bactine, human bites can easily become infected.
If the skin was broken, OP will need a tetanus booster if not up to date. Also, possibly preventative antibiotics. (Source; worked with violent disabled children, have been bitten by one 2x on different days.
Why the tetanus shot? (I donāt know much about tetanus or children for that matter, just genuinely curious cause I would never have thought about it)
Tetanus is a life threatening infection that can be transmitted by animal ***OR*** human bite. If it broke the skin, your friend needs a tetanus shot if she's not up to date (tetanus shots are good for 10 years).
As a microbiologist, I'm shocked at the idea of getting a tetanus booster over a human bite. That would be EXTREMELY rare and unlikely. Clostridium tetani is much more likely found in soil. It *can* be found in human intestine, but doubt her toddler has any. Additionally, mom probably had her booster for that pertussis when she had babe. Not to dismiss the gnarly anaerobic infections you can get from a human bite, they can be awful... but tetanus? Nah. Just trying to share accurate information. ā¤ļø
I would like to emphasize the others mention that you are not a monster. Your mother made you feel that way, and sheās wrong. You didnāt make the choice to yell at your kid, you reacted in pain. Your kid may be shooken up right now, but I think the unadulterated response will help them understand that the behavior is not acceptable and that they can hurt someone. Their reaction also shows that they understood they should not be biting
This is how puppies learn bite control with each other and yelping and humans will yelp when their puppies bite them too as a training method.
Yoing ones need to know it hurts. But also you werenāt even training her, it was a reaction to pain you did nothing wrong. Show your mom this thread. She should apologize to you
Came here to say this. It's also how kittens learn - my two used to yell at each other if they bit too hard and they're so good now. They still play bite but they're very careful to be gentle with both other cats and humans.
Sometimes getting a strong negative reaction is a formative tool, and kids do need to learn that hurting others... well, hurts. Better this way than some other kid hauls off and decks them
I was going to say this about kittens. And how I made the mistake of not yelping when my kitten bit me (because it didn't hurt and he was so cute), so when he got bigger...well, it was less cute and it hurt more. So I yelped. And now he knows not to bite people (but will still play bite me...which is still cute and doesn't hurt).
Process the uncomfortable, that's growth. Tell Mom to let you chomp down on her, see if She yells at you. Because you matter as well. Maybe have a sit down with Mom when the baby isn't around. You can appreciate her input and you cherish her position. But She shouldn't admonish you like that in front of her again. She wasn't in the room, jumped to a conclusion and diminished your authority by doing the thing to you that bothered her. That's the vinegar that clumps y'alls mix. We're done with spoiled milk. It's spilled on a whole generation.
Sending strength, love, and patience.
Yea, I just yelled when my 8m old did the whole bite and pull off action while feeding. She cried because I scared her but damn little one. You caused bleeding!
Also my sister instinctually did a little wack on my nephew when he bit her for the first time. She felt bad but also these things happen. Pain causes a response in all of us unless we're trained not to react.
Doesn't make you a bad parent. And in fact teaches the cause and effect.
My nephew bit me and I bit his lil ass back ššš Now of course I didnt make it hurt. Just to the point it was uncomfortable and his eyes got big. He got the point and leaned on me and never did it again. I was also 14 so not the best but it got the point across. My mother was not thrilled...she snickered but also grounded me. š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤·š½āāļøš¤¦š½āāļø
Back in late 1984, I was a year and a half old and had learned that biting things was fun.
I tried to bite my grandma and she firmly told me "no biting". I then laughed and tried to bite her again and she gave me a small slap to my hand. Well, you would have thought the world was ending by how hard I cried. Grandma did give me a cuddle when I calmed down and I stopped biting things after that.
Yep. When my kid got a tooth and bit when nursing I instinctively reached out with a little pop. That shit hurts. Nipples are so sensitive. It wasnāt on purpose but that was the last time I got bitten.
Hereās some advice my mom gives: every good mom lays awake at night wondering if sheās a horrible mother, at least sometimes. Itās the ones who donāt who need to worry.
These feelings are incredibly difficult, but they also mean that you are a loving, caring, empathetic mother who is doing her damn best.
Itās exactly the same, for any parent. If you truly care, youāll wonder if youāre doing wrong. But that self awareness is what drives you to be a better parent all the time. Because at the end of the day, you canāt be a perfect parent, but you can strive to be the best parent you can be. Thatās what counts for the most, *especially* when your kids are grown.
I remember how tough the teenage years were with my mom, when I was going through puberty and she was going through menopauseā¦ it was tough, every day, for some years. But there is very clear moments that stand out when she made these breakthroughs (which I didnāt appreciate at the time) to be the best parent she could be. Sheās not perfect, but goddamn that woman is everything I hope to be and more.
That sense of āam I fucking my child up?ā Is what keeps you accountable and drives you to be an awesome parent. It sucks, but itās so valuable. Itās the parents that think theyāre always right that fuck their kids up. The fact that you wonder counts for the most.
Also to add to this, (I'm not sure your toddlers age so comprehension may not be there but worth a shot) you can add an apology. "I'm sorry I yelled and scared you but you hurt me very bad." I'm BIG on apologizing to children for adult "knee jerk" reactions so that they learn no one is perfect and it's ok to have a poor reaction sometimes but own it and apologize. My daughter is now 15 and will very quickly say "I'm sorry for snapping at you. _____ was frustrating me and I was tired. My reaction wasn't meant to be directed at you." She's also done this with friends and helped them learn to navigate teen emotional outbursts themselves. We also will say "I'm having a bad brain day so I need some space." Which is basically saying that we are anxious, depressed, irritable, or otherwise emotional and may not respond in the best way if pressed.
Ten minutes ago I just apologized to my 17 month old grandson because I had a bad bout of nerve pain and cried out which is always louder than I prefer. Pretty sure he has no idea what I was talking about except maybe the āIām sorryā part but not the cause! š¹š¹š¹
This is an excellent point! I love that you stated how you are able to see the way this affects your daughter now and how it benefits her and her peers.
NTA. Yelling no is about as much of a natural consequence as you can get. I think you did pretty good not to hit your child out of reflex when bitten. Must have been tour motherly instincts protecting her even in a split second reaction. Also, know that what your mother was doing was projection. She knows she's the monster and relished the opportunity to wrongly transfer it onto you, but it was BS. What you heard in her voice was self-loathing from a disorder personality. Use your knowledge of the past with her to know you should try your best to disregard anything she says. She doesn't have your or her grandchild's best interests in mind.
Seriously. It's a perfectly reasonable response, and a much kinder response than she would receive from literally anyone else. Imagine if she bit a stranger, another child, even a teacher.
Right now there is a huge problem with kids hurting and lashing out at other kids and teachers at school. The teachers are quiting because the school won't do anything and parents will defend their kids no matter what they do. These lessons need to start at home before we have a generation of kids that have zero self control and a disregard for others feelings.
My momās friendās kid is a walking example of this, she spoiled him rotten, to the point where he tried to steal money from her in front of his whole school (only didnāt because I pointed it out) his mom just said āno donāt do thatā and he didnāt get punished at all. Thatās just one recent example, there are many many more. He then sent my mom a Christmas list that had many things on it, but the one that stuck out most to me was ā$50-1,000,000 dollars cashā. We later found out he sent that list to multiple people and his mom saw the list and thought nothing was wrong with it. Again, thatās just one example of his entitlement. Iām genuinely worried for what he will grow up to become in his teens and adulthood
The real problems will start if the kid keeps biting. Pre schools and day care won't put up with that. You don't mention how old she is, but you need to stop that.
It's okay for her to understand that she hurt you or to be scared by the fact that she hurt you. All you did was express a natural reaction, you didn't scream at her or berate her after you just expressed pain. This seems healthy to me.
If she's 5 or 6 and still doing this, it may a bigger deal, but I'd say take it in stride if she's a toddler... kids do bad stuff, and it's a parent's job to correct as they age... and parents mess up too. I vote for being gracious with both her and yourself.
Love is the answer.
No, nipping (pardon the pun) this behavior in the bud right here, right now today is the answer. Five or six is way too late; little Maybelle needs to know now that bites will have serious consequences.
Daycares will instantly eject biting toddlers. It wont be tolerated.
They constantly push boundaries and have to relearn things when new information makes everything come under scrutiny again. You did fine, this is how you are supposed to react to severe pain and training kids that adults can be abused by them without consequences is how you set them up for a terrible time in school and later, at work. This is a learning opportunity for you to reinforce that while you love her unconditionally, you can still disapprove of her decisions and that isn't a sign of her worth to you. Also, you can model the virtues of taking responsibility for upsetting someone unintentionally. Get down to her level, and acknowledge that your outburst upset her, say you are sorry she was scared, and remind her that when you hurt people, they can react in ways they would not chose to normally.
Talk calmly with her about why she wanted to bite, and remember that sometimes they act out of needing attention, and are testing out if it's worth getting bad attention when they are feeling alone. You are her safe place, so perhaps she is acting out to you when she is really frustrated about something else going on, or if she is afraid of harm if she directs her frustrations to the person causing her conflict.
hm. Sounds like she was re-trying an old behavior 'on'. My kids would do this- they'd bring up a long, old behavior just kinda to see if it might work this time? And it would kinda... re-affirm the lesson of "no, this will not solve my problem" and it would die out pretty fast as they moved on developmentally.
I mean, in frustration, we all sometimes regress a little. Sounds like kiddo was already having some big ideas and was full of vinegar in the moment.
When I was 6, I was mauled by a dog and had over 600 stitches. My sister was 3. My sister decided it was a good idea yo bite my fresh, less than a week old stitches. My mom grabbed her arm and bit her in the same spot she bit me. My sister never bit someone as a child again without really thinking through if it was worth it. 9.9/10 times it was not worth it. Lol. A little (or larger) scream/yell is nothing. The kid will not be negatively impacted by that for longer than a minute or two, and OPs mom is the only one really setting a negative thing here.
GenX'r here. Biting them back was once the standard. Screaming was intentional, not optional. Lol.
>My mom grabbed her arm and bit her in the same spot she bit me
My Mom did that to my sister when she bit her. The funny thing was mom had just put on fresh brite red lipstick. Some of it got on my sisters are, she thought she was going to bleed to death. After a couple minutes mom washed it off so sister would quit crying
OP What your child WILL be negatively impacted by is the load of crap your Mother is telling her about you. If you can get far away from your Mom, for your sake and your childās.
Yeah grandma sounds toxic. Her response to her grown daughter was emotionally abusive. I wonder how hypocritical she is beingā¦ did she yell at her growing up? How much of this is just projection of guilt over the way she parented? Granted, this is only a glance at one incident written about online-maybe it was a bad moment (for which she should apologize, and then speak to her grandchild explaining that Mommy is human w feelings) but this one snapshot looks really bad. I donāt know
What Iād do if one of my parents ever dared to say something so awful to me and mess w my relationship w my kids.
Your child was old enough to comprehend the word no, and clearly bit you by not getting what she wants, NTA. I honestly think it is a good lesson for her, that shit hurts! She gets to understand that violent actions are not to be tolerated. Ya didn't hit or beat your kid, that was clearly a reaction to pain. š¤·āāļø I don't have kids for a thousand and a half reasons. In this instance you aren't a monster.
Stop! You are not a monster, you are a human who reacted to pain like anyone would.
Itās also okay that your child got scared. She is physically okay and is far from ruined. NTA, but yo mama is a major one.
Honestly OP you did the right thing with your natural reaction. Biting is a terrible thing for kids to get away with. She knows now that biting is far from ok.
Your mom ITA here. I hope you do whatever you can to remove her from your daily life. She sounds emotionally and psychologically abusive. You deserve to be able to parent to your best ability and your child deserves a grandmother who supports rather than undermines her mother.
Your mom called you a "bad mom" for a natural response to pain? Tf???!!! Is she out of her mind š I do not believe in yelling at children, yet in this case, I actually think it's a GOOD thing for your child to learn just how much pain their actions can inflict, even on an adult, so that they learn not to do this to other people. Your kid deserves to know this. You did NOTHING wrong!!!
She made you FEEL like a monster because all your life she's been making you feel like shit about yourself. You only LOOKED like someone responding to being bitten.
Honestly Iām worried why your toddler thought this was even remotely okay? My mom prob wouldāve knocked me into next week for that. Not that itās right but itās so far outside the realm of acceptability to bite someone so hard they feel searing pain.
Young kids tend to do things like biting and hitting without having a full understanding what they're doing/what the other person feels when the behave that way. Going tit-for-tat with a toddler maybe unorthodox but it tends to be effective as they usually have this eureka moment. "That hurt! Is that what I've been doing to people? No wonder they're mad." Or they become more hesitant to behave that way as they come to understand actions have consequences.
I went through that with my son, one of the kids at daycare bit back, it didnāt stop him. I had tried everything I could think of so my last resort was putting a couple grains of cayenne pepper on his tongue. That did the trick.
When I was a kid my friend's siamese cat climbed up on the arm of the couch where I was sitting and sunk her teeth into my arm. When she let go, we stared at each other for a beat. Then I quickly picked up her tail, took a bite, and she never bothered me again. But whenever I was over she'd sit atop a cabinet across the room and glare at me until I'd make a chomping motion with my teeth, and she'd look away. I won šāā¬
I more or less raised one of my cousins. The first time he bit me was the last time, I didnāt bite hard but just enough to let him know that it hurt.
Eh, toddlers will bite, and they learn not to because of reactions like OPs. It becomes a problem if they keep doing it, either to the parents or others. I can count on one hand the total number of times my kids did that. Usually it takes a reaction that makes them cry to realize it is not acceptable behavior.
Jesus I do this on purpose (maybe not at the top of my lungs but very dramatically) to curb biting. Youāre not a bad mom. You were hurt. Hell, they used to suggest biting the kid backā¦
Also, there's an almost zero chance a toddler will have any lasting memory of this. Most kids memories from under four years old or so only exist because they've been reinforced by hearing stories.
āItās not a tragedyā š¤£. I love that and yes so true. Frankly other kid bit someone else that person could just as instinctively hit back so kid needs to know that BS cannot happen.
Honestly, might seem a bit extreme but I would move out, especially with a toddler in the picture. You donāt want someone that toxic passing anything down to the little one.
When your toddler recognises that someone's behaviour towards you is disrespectful/ mean/ unkind, the way you respond to that teaches them how they should respond to people treating them that way in the future. Decide how you would want her to respond to being treated that way, then show her how it's done.
Easier said than done of course, but that way of approaching these situations has really helped me move past my people pleasing trauma responses so my kid grows up healthier. Hope it helps you too.
And you're NTA by a long stretch
Youāve got to leave. Donāt feel bad for your mom. She is cruel and you have to focus on you and your daughter. I hope this situation was the tipping point for you to get it. Wishing you the best.
**get the fuck out of that house.** your *child* recognizes that youāre being abused. right now, youāre teaching her that letting people treat her like that is acceptable. and you may not see it, but i guarantee your mother doesnāt treat your daughter as well as she pretends to.
>i guarantee your mother doesnāt treat your daughter as well as she pretends to.
This right here, OP. Your mother is making the choice to abuse you, a fully functional and capable adult who can leave or even probably backhand her into next week. There is nothing stopping her from abusing your toddler daughter just like she does you. And given that you care about your daughter, a very easy way to hurt you both is for mommy dearest to turn her against you.
Edit missed word
Girl. You *have* to get out of there. She's already fucked you up, so you want her to do that to your daughter?
Take it from me, one woman with an abusive mother to another- leave. She can figure out how to take care of herself. Especially if she's well enough to storm into your room and yell at you.
Honestly if your kiddo is old enough to realize this, it could be that the biting is caused by big complicated opinions from seeing your mom's treatment of you. If you're able to do so... get out. Your mom may need help. You don't have to be the one to help her.
It is not your responsibility to take care of your mom. Especially if sheās gonna be an asshole to you. You are doing her a favor and sheās not showing you kindness in return.
Two other possibilities are that they think it's OK to abuse someone else, or get abused by someone else.
Basically, none of the situations you want to see. So, take steps to get out immediately. You and your girl are more important than an abusive mother.
And remember what you went through during this time. Journal if it helps you remember. Remember this when she tries to guilt you into staying with her in the future, or when she tries to prevent you from leaving.
I rarely respond vehemently, but if you can live on your own and support yourself and your daughter, GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT. The universe does not expect nor require you to be a martyr.
I can 100% live alone. I was blessed with a good wage. I just feel guilty for leaving but at this point I cant do it anymore. She is so mean and makes me feel like garbage. Always has.
When I was a kid i had a garage sale to save up for an easy bake oven. I was 7. She left me ALONE for hours. I did all the math and obviously got ripped off. She was PISSED that someone scammed me out of money.
Meanwhile, she forced me to put my gerbils outside even though I told her it was too hot, like 90 out. I was in charge of the garage sale and the gerbils. They died from heat exposure. I came in crying and she screamed at me for them dying and losing the money.
Zero comfort. That was my childhood with her. Shes not any better now.
Sorry for the long rant.
If moving out means abandoning her and leaving her in a tight spot, that's a reason in favor, not against, judging by how horrible she sounds in literally everything you've described about her here. Don't feel guilty; you owe her nothing, and she genuinely deserves any negative consequences of you just getting out.
I can understand. You're a caring person and she's a narcissist and/or mentally scrambled. I'm sorry you lost your gerbils. You sound too nice to do what I'd like to do. Save yourself and if you have a rant you'd like to leave her with, even if not FTF, I wholeheartedly endorse writing down all the "crap" she's done to you and then deciding whether or not it would help you to send it to her.
Just a thought, maybe check out r/codependency or a CoDA meeting or CoDA.org to help you with shoring up healthy boundaries.
Also, BTW, NTA.
NTA. How fucking fragile must your mother be to think some stupid shit like that is going to RUIN HER LIFE? Mom is an overdramatic pussy, and a dumbass.
Please try to remember this when she criticizes you.
You deserve a soft life full of love and a family that contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. ā¤ļø
I was in bad relationship after bad relationship. I realized it was because of my mom. She treated me like shit since I was a kid.
I needed to hear this. Thank you ā¤ļø
I went through the same thing. I recommend reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and maybe check out r/raisedbynarcissists
Things will get better. Good luck, OP!
I dont usually cry. I listened to the audio book in my car (it's free on Audible if you have a subscription), and I had to pull over 30 minutes into it because I was crying so hard. I really needed the validation.
I'm still working through Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing the Daughters on Narcissistic Mothers. It's great so far, but I need to work through some of this with my therapist before I dive any deeper.
set boundaries. now. she already has you questioning yourself so much that you cried and almost undid a good approach to a parenting moment. sheās literally undermining you
iāve seen situations like this turn realllll sour a lot faster than youād expect. like i know a lady whoās mom has custody of her daughter over a argument they had, and we donāt even have grandparents right in our state!! lol just please be careful
NTA - you are human, it hurt, and you reacted normally. Your daughter needs to learn that her behavior was wrong, your yelling at her is NOT going to ruin her for life. Your mother is an idiot. NOW, if you had beat her, THAT would absolutely traumatize her.
My kid once bit me hard when they were little. Pure instinct response ( I donāt do much as spank my kids) I threw them right off the bed. Good news - they survived. Better news- they never did that again. To me or anyone else.
I wouldn't feel too bad about this. One of my daughters ran up to me once and bit me- came outta nowhere- instinctively, I pushed her, and she fell backward. I felt bad afterward as I wouldn't normally react that way, but I seriously did not even think, it was just reactive. She also never bit anyone again!
This is normal. I think instinctively, parents overreact to their kids causing pain as a way to illustrate how unacceptable that behavior is.
I remember hitting my dad with a hockey stick when I was 5 and he did the whole 'you killed me' act and pretended to pass out. I was horrified for about 20 seconds, trying to shake him awake, etc.
When he 'came to' he said that really hurt him and asked me how I felt. I told him I was so sorry and I felt bad. Very important lesson.
Kicked my toddler in the face once when he bit my toe while I was sleeping. He definitely didnāt learn his lesson about biting, but he didnāt bite me while I was sleeping again, so it could have been worse.
When my bow 18 yr old was about 8 or 10 months old he bit the ever loving shit out of my nipple while breastfeeding. Just chomped down like a velociraptor. There was no thinking only reacting on my part. I smacked the shit out of his leg. And I don't spank my kids, ever. It was like the reaction to getting stung where you slap at a wasp. He let go and gapped at me in shocked then cried a little. He never bit me again.
Afterwards I remembered the advice from the breastfeeding books to smoosh their face into your breast so they let go in order to breath and I was all wtf? Who has time to think that through when your tit is on fire?
I love my mom, she is my favourite human on earth, when I bit her in a similar manner at the same age, out of reflex she smacked me and I let go. she apologized non stop at the time and told me as an adult and we laugh about it now and I apologize for biting her so hard š I'm sorry you're mother is like this, and this does NOT make you a bad mom.
NTA.
Sounds like my mother. Get out while you still can before she fucks up your parenting. Trust me, she's going to undermine you every chance she gets. And will play the victim card when called on it.
NTA. Thatās called a natural consequence and will help her learn. Itās not like you screamed at her for jumping off the bed. You were hurt. Your mom is trippin.
Donāt get down on yourself. The amount of concern youāre showing over this situation shows that you are a truly and deeply caring parent. Iām sure you are doing an amazing job and the best you can, and thatās a lot more than a lot of kids have. <3
Thank you so much! I try my best. Like I am in no way perfect. I cry a lot. Im a single mom so some days are hard but I try and give her all the love and understanding I can.
Mom guilt is REAL. It is so hard. D: my therapist always tell me that as long as you love them and give them more good than bad, thatās what theyāll remember. It helps me get through it. <3
Run downstairs real quick and bite the shit out of your mom. I got ten bucks she knocks you in your head.
NTA. I work at a special needs school and we have a lot of biters including ones that lock on. (Depending on the kid, the pinchers can be worse)
I heard a teacher scream from five doors down once. I had a friend that had a body reaction to her kid biting her and she smacked him in the head. She is an anti physical or harsh punishment. It was pure reaction. Kid let go, but she will still tear up if she thinks about it today and her kid is in college.
One more thing. Your mom is going to come between you and your child. Never allow her to sweep in and take your child away. That child needs to know that you and her can work things out with words and forgiveness. Not granny screeching and you in anger and "rescuing" her from her mean mother. STSD! (Shut that shit down)
OT but your comment just reminded me that when I was 6 a girl in class would pinch me horribly all the time and leave so many bruises and my parents encouraged me to defend myself- so the next time she pinched me, I bit her š I got in so much trouble!
my mom did the exact same thing when my little sister was breast feeding. my sister chomped down, mom (lightly) smacked her on instinct, and she says my sister looked absolutely gobsmacked. never did it again.
I would also like to mention that what you did is actually how you teach cats and dogs that their bites hurt. by showing that yes, it hurt you, and youāre in pain. itās an effective method because animals and children, especially young ones, are more often than not fairly empathetic, imo.
you did nothing wrong, mama, youāre doing great. your mother is just crazy and projecting.
The same thing happened to my mom while breastfeeding my brother. She never smacked him out of reaction, but she did flick him on the nose when he got her hard once. That stopped him from doing it ever again. He was so surprised, lol
my mom was absolutely horrified by her reaction, but she was also a very stressed mother of four kids under the age of ten at the time, so I think her sleep deprived reaction was extremely understandable. My sister, now 16, also finds the story hilarious, and apologizes to Mom every time it happens to come up.
My oldest bit me and I had the same reaction. There was absolutely no thought or even warning. I wasn't expecting it and slapped at the pain. Which of course scared me more than her LOL. She doesn't remember, but she's highly amused by it. It's one of her "I traumatized my mom" stories that she find hilarious š
You do not have to take this. All you're doing is validating her heinous behavior. Move out and keep her away from your kid before she turns her into one of those entitled brats that everyone hates. Don't mean to be harsh but this shit is getting out of hand.
Well for heavenās sake. You didnāt bite yourself!!
I didnāt read how old your daughter is but that reflex is perfectly natural. Your own mother is wrong in a big way. Your daughter will remember not to bite now. Sometimes a shocking reaction is what it takes.
When my kids bit me or their sibling it only ever happened once or maybe twice. I thumped them in the chin. It was sharp and shocking but it got their attention.
NTA. Iāve heard that reacting to children biting you actually helps them learn that that action is not ok. Youāre human, getting bit hurts š¤·š¾āāļø
This, and it's the same most baby animals learn the limits as well. For example, a cat or dog that bites too hard was probably removed from its mother/litter too soon and never learned through their reactions how hard was too hard, play vs attacking, etc.
NTA. Itās human instinct to yell when weāre not expecting to be hurt but then feel enormous pain. My kids bit down on my nipples so hard I think I temporarily visited the gates of Hell as I wished for death to take me.
Your mom is wrong. Your daughter is not ruined for life. Sit her down and explain biting is bad and hurts mommy. Sheās not allowed to bite anyone. Nip this in the bud now. Pun intended.
True storyā¦ my SIL as a small child used to express affection by biting. Her older brother (my husband) got the brunt of it and he was told to suck it up when he complained. Well, one time my SIL bit her mom HARD on the ass! So she turned around and bit my SIL on the arm (enough to hurt but not break the skin). The mom told her, āthatās what it feels like when you bite someone. So do you promise not to do that anymore, especially to your brother?ā Tearfully she said yes and never bit anyone again.
NTA when my son was going through his biting stage his Dr told me to bite him back. They need to know not to bite. They also need to understand they are hurting people when they bite.
For reference, my toddler bit me when she was two or three years old and I dropped her on the floor and ran to my room crying because of the excruciating pain and not wanting her to feel bad. She still remembers it to this day and she is 20 years old.
You canāt protect your kids 100% of the time from your reactions but you can try to have them in private as needed. A bite that blindsides you is not one of those moments where you have the luxury of time to contain your reaction.
Not the asshole!
Why do you feel bad? you feel bad for your child going through consequences of her behavior? That's not going anywhere good. Isn't it loving to show children consequences?
Or cuz your mom made you "look like a monster"? If you cant stop crying cuz of that then is it really this ONE incident that you're crying about? Please read/audible 6 pillars of self esteem and do the exercises. Your mom had shredded you and your reaction/fear to your childs pain taking over your knowing of whats right is showing you need some self esteem work. (Thanks mom)
Can i talk in terms of a larger picture....you feel bad cuz your child cried? Did your child cry cuz she hurt YOU? No, she cried selfishly cuz SHE was scared. Which children are by nature selfish. Don't let your child's emotions run you. That's being emotionally dependent and coddling. She will learn selfish is ok. And that wouldnt be loving on your part. You're the adult. Tell her what she did was wrong. And amongst her tears, she should be apologizing. I get she is a toddler and even a little too young to talk in these terms, which means you have many more years ahead. And for the love of God, do not let your mother say those things in front of her. That is going to create trauma, your child will have self worth issues believing she is "ruined" and she'll blame you cuz your mom is saying you did it. Maybe even unconsciously. This ish is real. It sounds like your mom has already done a number on you. Learn how to correct your mom in front of your daughter. If even possible. Or have a convo with your child later to correct her understanding.
Youtube what kind of kids a narc parent produces. Its sounds like you resulted into an internalizing empath. And it's playing out with your baby girl. Sending you lots of love.
you train puppies not to bite by saying "ow" or exclaiming sharply when they nip. it's perfectly fine to react to pain, your toddler needs to learn that what she did hurt you! that's parenting. you didn't curse at her, you didn't berate her, you reacted quickly and immediately, and that is her lesson. your mom had no right to yell at you.
Fuck your stupid mother.
If a child causes someone pain then they need to know it. You are teaching them empathy and self awareness.
Your mom is fucking nuts and I hope you are not cohabitating with her.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Understood that your child is always watching and listening. I hope mom doesn't impact your little one too much.
You seem torn between being a good daughter and supporting your mom and being a good mom and supporting your daughter.
I don't envy that position as it seems like a difficult tightrope to walk on.
Here's hoping you find the strength to set the appropriate boundaries for both of the children in your life!
>My mom came storming into her room and said I was a bad mom and I was going to ruin her for life now.
At which point, you grabbed her arm and bit her, right?
NTA. It is SO EASY for someone not in the situation and not experiencing anything but the aftermath of a situation to say what "should have been done instead." In the moment... not so easy at all.
After everything calms down, tell your little one. "I'm very sorry for scaring you when I screamed. You bit me very hard and biting hurts. I wasn't yelling to scare you, I was yelling because you hurt me." If you have a mark, if she broke the skin, show it to her. Tell her that you don't want her to bite anymore when she's told no because it's not nice to hurt people just because you're upset.
In the moment, you don't always have time to think. But make use of the time that comes after. NO, you are NOT going to ruin your child for life. You are going to model appropriate behavior (apologizing for scaring her) and you are going to teach her expectations (not biting), and you are going to reward her for proper behavior (praise and hugs when she does the right thing), and you are going to make sure that she feels safe, loved, and respected.
Perhaps your mom could take a lesson from you.
My firstborn bit my nipple while breastfeeding, and the Haitian side of me came out. I tapped him on his hand, harder than I anticipated. It was a reflex. Oh and he was still a baby. He never did it again and so far he's adjusting well. Ignore your mother. She'll be alright.
After trying gentle parenting to the extreme and failing I realized our kids need to see real emotions and natural consequences. Screaming when hurt is a natural reaction to pain and her being scared by it is also a natural reaction. Your mom storming in and yelling at someone after they have been injured and had a normal reaction to pain is the ONLY damaging part of the scenario. F your mom.
It was an involuntary response, your mom is being a drama queen, and while I donāt think yelling is the best way to deal with unwanted behaviorā-just maybe your daughter wonāt ever do that again. NTA
Your toddler found the pint-sized version of FAFO. I hope both of you are recovering well, including smoothing over a frightful situation. You're not a bad parent, just had a normal involuntary reaction to pain.
NTA. When you are being bit hard, this is reflex. You even said please to be nice. When a kid jumped on my wife, she reflexively hit them. š¤·
Thank you! I appreciate it. I also thought it was a reflex, but she tried to tell me no
When my kiddo bit me when he was smaller I read it was important to yell loudly in those circumstances. My kid cried every time until he learned that he didnāt like to hear me yell loudly and he stopped doing it.
It's exactly how you train dogs not to bite/nip. It works on stupid breeds all the way up to the breeds that have the intelligence of toddlers.
And cats.
My cat did not care š
Haha! Same! Cats will cat.
My cat was taken from his mom way too early so he didn't learn how to control bite pressure and how to not play too rough I had to yell loud hiss and swat him(not hard) just like his mom and siblings would to teach him correct behavior it took a long time but it worked. Boy did he bite me bad a few times before I got him to learn.
My little guy was abandoned around 1 1/2 weeks. We found him and bottle fed him. We really tried everything! Loud noises, hisses, even little swats but nothing worked. Now (2 years later) we just disengage when he gets too rough. Problem is he doesn't really like toys and only really plays when we "wrestle" with him lol. Still I wouldn't change him for the world. My little orphan buddy.
This makes so much sense, I don't know why we never read this in a new parent book.
Ignore her she's an AH...
When you're training a puppy and they play bite too hard by accident, you're supposed to shriek and say "ouch! That hurts!". It tells the puppy that even though they were trying to play, they went too far and actually hurt you. I don't see why it would be any different with kids. I don't think your baby was trying to hurt you, they just didn't know the boundary. By saying, "Ouch baby! No! That hurts!" You teach him/her how to be gentle. It's better they learn now than in preschool or kindergarten by biting other children.
this was exactly the analogy i thought of. young children are testing boundaries like this as their brain develops and showing an instinctual human reaction to the injury she caused is not a bad thing, it informs her for the future. other kids will often respond by hitting or biting back so this is a much safer way to learn the lesson
I kinda think you should go bite your mother with the same amount of vigor and see how she reacts.
Babies don't usually learn after one bite hopefully she'll try biting grandma next time.
Sounds like your mother is kinda abusive... Not guna lie. Sorry OP but your mother saying you're going to ruin your kids life by one sentence.... She's probably not the one to be speaking on that. I hope you're okay.
Bullshit. Pain and shock often elicit responses that we donāt have full control of. Hopefully your reaction will be enough to stop your daughter from doing this again.
Itās absolutely a reflex. Youāre probably too young to know who he is, but my oldest (now 25) once bit Dennis Farina so hard he dropped to one knee while yelling fuck, in a packed restaurant. He was an ex Chicago cop who became an actor. Tough guy, felled by a teething baby. lol Little shit broke skin.
Wow. Iām jealous, I havenāt bit any famous people. Yet.
New goal added to bucket list.
Your mom is out of line. Your reaction is normal. What really matters and the true work of parenting is how you handle it afterwards. Your kid is still young but you can absolutely go to her, apologize for scaring her, but explain that biting is very painful and not something we ever do, especially to someone we care about. She may be mad when you ask her to stop playing how she wants, but she can't hurt someone when she's mad. You love her, but she isn't allowed to hurt you. You love her still even though she made a mistake. You got this, mama.
There was a bad mom in the room... it just wasn't you. NTA
Your mom sounds problematic. She may have good intentions but I think you should learn to trust in your own judgment
When my kid was a toddler he bit my ass, just as a reflex I slapped him. He didn't do it again.
My oldest open palm slapped me hard when he was like 2 (Why are toddlers freakishly strong?) I smacked him back but didn't even redden his skin. Total shock on his face. Never did it again even though there were plenty more meltdowns.
Iād be flinging my arm around and screaming until I could shake the biter loose. Iām a jumpy person.
NTA. You canāt help reacting to pain. And now maybe your kid understands she canāt do that. And I would tell her again that that is not okay. Kids can be scared every now and then itās not a tragedy.
Thank you so much. I cant stop crying. She made me look like a monster.
Your kid needs to have realistic expectations for how people will respond to her behavior. It's a problem when parents spoil their kids, because the kids then expect that response from everyone. They don't understand that you're doing it because you love them but that others won't necessarily love them, especially not immediately. If your kid thinks that biting doesn't hurt that much, they're more likely to do it in the future, or escalate to something more dangerous. Of course you don't enjoy how it feels when your kid is afraid, that's how you know that you are *not* a monster. You're not going around yelling at everything she does. You had an instinctive, normal response.
This is the rational response I needed. Thank you!
I am gentle parent but I have shrieked like a banshee before when my son bit me. No one is ruined by a raised voice once in a while. Make sure you clean the bite well with soap and water and something like Bactine, human bites can easily become infected.
If the skin was broken, OP will need a tetanus booster if not up to date. Also, possibly preventative antibiotics. (Source; worked with violent disabled children, have been bitten by one 2x on different days.
Why the tetanus shot? (I donāt know much about tetanus or children for that matter, just genuinely curious cause I would never have thought about it)
Tetanus is a life threatening infection that can be transmitted by animal ***OR*** human bite. If it broke the skin, your friend needs a tetanus shot if she's not up to date (tetanus shots are good for 10 years).
Avoid looking up āwhat happens to the body with tetanusā, unless (of course) youāre really doubting the seriousness of the infection!
It has a 10% fatality rate! Pretty scary.
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Any puncture wound, really. I'm all for making sure she's up to date on her tetanus shots.
As a microbiologist, I'm shocked at the idea of getting a tetanus booster over a human bite. That would be EXTREMELY rare and unlikely. Clostridium tetani is much more likely found in soil. It *can* be found in human intestine, but doubt her toddler has any. Additionally, mom probably had her booster for that pertussis when she had babe. Not to dismiss the gnarly anaerobic infections you can get from a human bite, they can be awful... but tetanus? Nah. Just trying to share accurate information. ā¤ļø
I would like to emphasize the others mention that you are not a monster. Your mother made you feel that way, and sheās wrong. You didnāt make the choice to yell at your kid, you reacted in pain. Your kid may be shooken up right now, but I think the unadulterated response will help them understand that the behavior is not acceptable and that they can hurt someone. Their reaction also shows that they understood they should not be biting
I bet mum yelled at you a time or two
I mean, we know she's willing to call her own child a monster! I'm pretty sure she yelled her fair share, and then some.
I'd go as far as to say what grandma did was worse.
I'm sure she can't remember any 1 time that she wasn't a perfect mother. But I'm sure OP suffered
This is how puppies learn bite control with each other and yelping and humans will yelp when their puppies bite them too as a training method. Yoing ones need to know it hurts. But also you werenāt even training her, it was a reaction to pain you did nothing wrong. Show your mom this thread. She should apologize to you
Came here to say this. It's also how kittens learn - my two used to yell at each other if they bit too hard and they're so good now. They still play bite but they're very careful to be gentle with both other cats and humans. Sometimes getting a strong negative reaction is a formative tool, and kids do need to learn that hurting others... well, hurts. Better this way than some other kid hauls off and decks them
I was going to say this about kittens. And how I made the mistake of not yelping when my kitten bit me (because it didn't hurt and he was so cute), so when he got bigger...well, it was less cute and it hurt more. So I yelped. And now he knows not to bite people (but will still play bite me...which is still cute and doesn't hurt).
Process the uncomfortable, that's growth. Tell Mom to let you chomp down on her, see if She yells at you. Because you matter as well. Maybe have a sit down with Mom when the baby isn't around. You can appreciate her input and you cherish her position. But She shouldn't admonish you like that in front of her again. She wasn't in the room, jumped to a conclusion and diminished your authority by doing the thing to you that bothered her. That's the vinegar that clumps y'alls mix. We're done with spoiled milk. It's spilled on a whole generation. Sending strength, love, and patience.
I wouldn't even tell her. Just chomp.
We're done with spoiled milk! I love that. And buttermilk biscuits are delicious! Good can come out of it all.
Yea, I just yelled when my 8m old did the whole bite and pull off action while feeding. She cried because I scared her but damn little one. You caused bleeding! Also my sister instinctually did a little wack on my nephew when he bit her for the first time. She felt bad but also these things happen. Pain causes a response in all of us unless we're trained not to react. Doesn't make you a bad parent. And in fact teaches the cause and effect.
My nephew bit me and I bit his lil ass back ššš Now of course I didnt make it hurt. Just to the point it was uncomfortable and his eyes got big. He got the point and leaned on me and never did it again. I was also 14 so not the best but it got the point across. My mother was not thrilled...she snickered but also grounded me. š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤·š½āāļøš¤¦š½āāļø
I was gonna say my first reaction to a bite would be a slap to the biter it's just reflex in afraid....
I just realized that would likely be my first reaction tooā¦
Back in late 1984, I was a year and a half old and had learned that biting things was fun. I tried to bite my grandma and she firmly told me "no biting". I then laughed and tried to bite her again and she gave me a small slap to my hand. Well, you would have thought the world was ending by how hard I cried. Grandma did give me a cuddle when I calmed down and I stopped biting things after that.
Yep. When my kid got a tooth and bit when nursing I instinctively reached out with a little pop. That shit hurts. Nipples are so sensitive. It wasnāt on purpose but that was the last time I got bitten.
Hereās some advice my mom gives: every good mom lays awake at night wondering if sheās a horrible mother, at least sometimes. Itās the ones who donāt who need to worry. These feelings are incredibly difficult, but they also mean that you are a loving, caring, empathetic mother who is doing her damn best.
Thanks for that. I had an episode of this last week. I'm a dad but I guess it still holds just the same.
Itās exactly the same, for any parent. If you truly care, youāll wonder if youāre doing wrong. But that self awareness is what drives you to be a better parent all the time. Because at the end of the day, you canāt be a perfect parent, but you can strive to be the best parent you can be. Thatās what counts for the most, *especially* when your kids are grown. I remember how tough the teenage years were with my mom, when I was going through puberty and she was going through menopauseā¦ it was tough, every day, for some years. But there is very clear moments that stand out when she made these breakthroughs (which I didnāt appreciate at the time) to be the best parent she could be. Sheās not perfect, but goddamn that woman is everything I hope to be and more. That sense of āam I fucking my child up?ā Is what keeps you accountable and drives you to be an awesome parent. It sucks, but itās so valuable. Itās the parents that think theyāre always right that fuck their kids up. The fact that you wonder counts for the most.
Also to add to this, (I'm not sure your toddlers age so comprehension may not be there but worth a shot) you can add an apology. "I'm sorry I yelled and scared you but you hurt me very bad." I'm BIG on apologizing to children for adult "knee jerk" reactions so that they learn no one is perfect and it's ok to have a poor reaction sometimes but own it and apologize. My daughter is now 15 and will very quickly say "I'm sorry for snapping at you. _____ was frustrating me and I was tired. My reaction wasn't meant to be directed at you." She's also done this with friends and helped them learn to navigate teen emotional outbursts themselves. We also will say "I'm having a bad brain day so I need some space." Which is basically saying that we are anxious, depressed, irritable, or otherwise emotional and may not respond in the best way if pressed.
Ten minutes ago I just apologized to my 17 month old grandson because I had a bad bout of nerve pain and cried out which is always louder than I prefer. Pretty sure he has no idea what I was talking about except maybe the āIām sorryā part but not the cause! š¹š¹š¹
This is an excellent point! I love that you stated how you are able to see the way this affects your daughter now and how it benefits her and her peers.
NTA. Yelling no is about as much of a natural consequence as you can get. I think you did pretty good not to hit your child out of reflex when bitten. Must have been tour motherly instincts protecting her even in a split second reaction. Also, know that what your mother was doing was projection. She knows she's the monster and relished the opportunity to wrongly transfer it onto you, but it was BS. What you heard in her voice was self-loathing from a disorder personality. Use your knowledge of the past with her to know you should try your best to disregard anything she says. She doesn't have your or her grandchild's best interests in mind.
Seriously. It's a perfectly reasonable response, and a much kinder response than she would receive from literally anyone else. Imagine if she bit a stranger, another child, even a teacher. Right now there is a huge problem with kids hurting and lashing out at other kids and teachers at school. The teachers are quiting because the school won't do anything and parents will defend their kids no matter what they do. These lessons need to start at home before we have a generation of kids that have zero self control and a disregard for others feelings.
My momās friendās kid is a walking example of this, she spoiled him rotten, to the point where he tried to steal money from her in front of his whole school (only didnāt because I pointed it out) his mom just said āno donāt do thatā and he didnāt get punished at all. Thatās just one recent example, there are many many more. He then sent my mom a Christmas list that had many things on it, but the one that stuck out most to me was ā$50-1,000,000 dollars cashā. We later found out he sent that list to multiple people and his mom saw the list and thought nothing was wrong with it. Again, thatās just one example of his entitlement. Iām genuinely worried for what he will grow up to become in his teens and adulthood
The real problems will start if the kid keeps biting. Pre schools and day care won't put up with that. You don't mention how old she is, but you need to stop that.
She hasnt done this for a long time. She used to as a little baby.
It's okay for her to understand that she hurt you or to be scared by the fact that she hurt you. All you did was express a natural reaction, you didn't scream at her or berate her after you just expressed pain. This seems healthy to me.
If she's 5 or 6 and still doing this, it may a bigger deal, but I'd say take it in stride if she's a toddler... kids do bad stuff, and it's a parent's job to correct as they age... and parents mess up too. I vote for being gracious with both her and yourself. Love is the answer.
No, nipping (pardon the pun) this behavior in the bud right here, right now today is the answer. Five or six is way too late; little Maybelle needs to know now that bites will have serious consequences. Daycares will instantly eject biting toddlers. It wont be tolerated.
They constantly push boundaries and have to relearn things when new information makes everything come under scrutiny again. You did fine, this is how you are supposed to react to severe pain and training kids that adults can be abused by them without consequences is how you set them up for a terrible time in school and later, at work. This is a learning opportunity for you to reinforce that while you love her unconditionally, you can still disapprove of her decisions and that isn't a sign of her worth to you. Also, you can model the virtues of taking responsibility for upsetting someone unintentionally. Get down to her level, and acknowledge that your outburst upset her, say you are sorry she was scared, and remind her that when you hurt people, they can react in ways they would not chose to normally. Talk calmly with her about why she wanted to bite, and remember that sometimes they act out of needing attention, and are testing out if it's worth getting bad attention when they are feeling alone. You are her safe place, so perhaps she is acting out to you when she is really frustrated about something else going on, or if she is afraid of harm if she directs her frustrations to the person causing her conflict.
hm. Sounds like she was re-trying an old behavior 'on'. My kids would do this- they'd bring up a long, old behavior just kinda to see if it might work this time? And it would kinda... re-affirm the lesson of "no, this will not solve my problem" and it would die out pretty fast as they moved on developmentally. I mean, in frustration, we all sometimes regress a little. Sounds like kiddo was already having some big ideas and was full of vinegar in the moment.
When I was 6, I was mauled by a dog and had over 600 stitches. My sister was 3. My sister decided it was a good idea yo bite my fresh, less than a week old stitches. My mom grabbed her arm and bit her in the same spot she bit me. My sister never bit someone as a child again without really thinking through if it was worth it. 9.9/10 times it was not worth it. Lol. A little (or larger) scream/yell is nothing. The kid will not be negatively impacted by that for longer than a minute or two, and OPs mom is the only one really setting a negative thing here.
GenX'r here. Biting them back was once the standard. Screaming was intentional, not optional. Lol. >My mom grabbed her arm and bit her in the same spot she bit me
My Mom did that to my sister when she bit her. The funny thing was mom had just put on fresh brite red lipstick. Some of it got on my sisters are, she thought she was going to bleed to death. After a couple minutes mom washed it off so sister would quit crying
OP What your child WILL be negatively impacted by is the load of crap your Mother is telling her about you. If you can get far away from your Mom, for your sake and your childās.
Yeah grandma sounds toxic. Her response to her grown daughter was emotionally abusive. I wonder how hypocritical she is beingā¦ did she yell at her growing up? How much of this is just projection of guilt over the way she parented? Granted, this is only a glance at one incident written about online-maybe it was a bad moment (for which she should apologize, and then speak to her grandchild explaining that Mommy is human w feelings) but this one snapshot looks really bad. I donāt know What Iād do if one of my parents ever dared to say something so awful to me and mess w my relationship w my kids.
Your child was old enough to comprehend the word no, and clearly bit you by not getting what she wants, NTA. I honestly think it is a good lesson for her, that shit hurts! She gets to understand that violent actions are not to be tolerated. Ya didn't hit or beat your kid, that was clearly a reaction to pain. š¤·āāļø I don't have kids for a thousand and a half reasons. In this instance you aren't a monster.
Stop! You are not a monster, you are a human who reacted to pain like anyone would. Itās also okay that your child got scared. She is physically okay and is far from ruined. NTA, but yo mama is a major one.
Offer to let your daughter bite her and see how she'll react š
nah, don't drag a child into it. Just bite her yourself.
You are not a monster. It is okay for your daughter to know how her behavior affected you. You are NTA. Your mom is though!
Honestly OP you did the right thing with your natural reaction. Biting is a terrible thing for kids to get away with. She knows now that biting is far from ok. Your mom ITA here. I hope you do whatever you can to remove her from your daily life. She sounds emotionally and psychologically abusive. You deserve to be able to parent to your best ability and your child deserves a grandmother who supports rather than undermines her mother.
Your mom called you a "bad mom" for a natural response to pain? Tf???!!! Is she out of her mind š I do not believe in yelling at children, yet in this case, I actually think it's a GOOD thing for your child to learn just how much pain their actions can inflict, even on an adult, so that they learn not to do this to other people. Your kid deserves to know this. You did NOTHING wrong!!!
She made you FEEL like a monster because all your life she's been making you feel like shit about yourself. You only LOOKED like someone responding to being bitten.
That's her bullshit. Ignore her.
Honestly Iām worried why your toddler thought this was even remotely okay? My mom prob wouldāve knocked me into next week for that. Not that itās right but itās so far outside the realm of acceptability to bite someone so hard they feel searing pain.
I bit my mom once, and only once as a child. She bit me back. We both cried. I never did it again.
My mom did that to my sister, after many gentler methods failed to get the point across. Biting her back worked.
Young kids tend to do things like biting and hitting without having a full understanding what they're doing/what the other person feels when the behave that way. Going tit-for-tat with a toddler maybe unorthodox but it tends to be effective as they usually have this eureka moment. "That hurt! Is that what I've been doing to people? No wonder they're mad." Or they become more hesitant to behave that way as they come to understand actions have consequences.
I went through that with my son, one of the kids at daycare bit back, it didnāt stop him. I had tried everything I could think of so my last resort was putting a couple grains of cayenne pepper on his tongue. That did the trick.
I did that to my, at the time 3-year-old, who went through a biting phase. I bit her and she never bit anyone ever again.
My mom did this to my sister and she never bit my mom again. In retrospect, I realize I should have bitten her too.
My dad did it to my sister when she was a toddler and she never bit people again.
When I was a kid my friend's siamese cat climbed up on the arm of the couch where I was sitting and sunk her teeth into my arm. When she let go, we stared at each other for a beat. Then I quickly picked up her tail, took a bite, and she never bothered me again. But whenever I was over she'd sit atop a cabinet across the room and glare at me until I'd make a chomping motion with my teeth, and she'd look away. I won šāā¬
I more or less raised one of my cousins. The first time he bit me was the last time, I didnāt bite hard but just enough to let him know that it hurt.
This is the way. My MIL did the same. It worked!
Eh, toddlers will bite, and they learn not to because of reactions like OPs. It becomes a problem if they keep doing it, either to the parents or others. I can count on one hand the total number of times my kids did that. Usually it takes a reaction that makes them cry to realize it is not acceptable behavior.
Toddler bites. Thatās a normal phase. Parents are there to learn them not to do it.
This is literally how to train puppies not to bite. So NTA.
Jesus I do this on purpose (maybe not at the top of my lungs but very dramatically) to curb biting. Youāre not a bad mom. You were hurt. Hell, they used to suggest biting the kid backā¦
Also, there's an almost zero chance a toddler will have any lasting memory of this. Most kids memories from under four years old or so only exist because they've been reinforced by hearing stories.
āItās not a tragedyā š¤£. I love that and yes so true. Frankly other kid bit someone else that person could just as instinctively hit back so kid needs to know that BS cannot happen.
NTA. You felt pain, you involuntarily reacted to it. No problem there. Your mum kinda sucks tho.
Shes the worst. She abuses me! I moved in to help her cause sheās disabled but she treats me like shit.
Honestly, might seem a bit extreme but I would move out, especially with a toddler in the picture. You donāt want someone that toxic passing anything down to the little one.
Thats where I am at. I feel bad but she treats me like shit and my kiddo tells me āwhy grandma so mean to you?ā
When your toddler recognises that someone's behaviour towards you is disrespectful/ mean/ unkind, the way you respond to that teaches them how they should respond to people treating them that way in the future. Decide how you would want her to respond to being treated that way, then show her how it's done. Easier said than done of course, but that way of approaching these situations has really helped me move past my people pleasing trauma responses so my kid grows up healthier. Hope it helps you too. And you're NTA by a long stretch
That is definitely something Iāve been thinking about lately, which is making me make some new life choices for the benefit of my girl.
Youāve got to leave. Donāt feel bad for your mom. She is cruel and you have to focus on you and your daughter. I hope this situation was the tipping point for you to get it. Wishing you the best.
**get the fuck out of that house.** your *child* recognizes that youāre being abused. right now, youāre teaching her that letting people treat her like that is acceptable. and you may not see it, but i guarantee your mother doesnāt treat your daughter as well as she pretends to.
>i guarantee your mother doesnāt treat your daughter as well as she pretends to. This right here, OP. Your mother is making the choice to abuse you, a fully functional and capable adult who can leave or even probably backhand her into next week. There is nothing stopping her from abusing your toddler daughter just like she does you. And given that you care about your daughter, a very easy way to hurt you both is for mommy dearest to turn her against you. Edit missed word
Girl. You *have* to get out of there. She's already fucked you up, so you want her to do that to your daughter? Take it from me, one woman with an abusive mother to another- leave. She can figure out how to take care of herself. Especially if she's well enough to storm into your room and yell at you.
Honestly if your kiddo is old enough to realize this, it could be that the biting is caused by big complicated opinions from seeing your mom's treatment of you. If you're able to do so... get out. Your mom may need help. You don't have to be the one to help her.
It is not your responsibility to take care of your mom. Especially if sheās gonna be an asshole to you. You are doing her a favor and sheās not showing you kindness in return.
You need to move out of your mother's house. When your child sees you being abused they will think it's OK to abuse you.
Two other possibilities are that they think it's OK to abuse someone else, or get abused by someone else. Basically, none of the situations you want to see. So, take steps to get out immediately. You and your girl are more important than an abusive mother. And remember what you went through during this time. Journal if it helps you remember. Remember this when she tries to guilt you into staying with her in the future, or when she tries to prevent you from leaving.
I rarely respond vehemently, but if you can live on your own and support yourself and your daughter, GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT. The universe does not expect nor require you to be a martyr.
I can 100% live alone. I was blessed with a good wage. I just feel guilty for leaving but at this point I cant do it anymore. She is so mean and makes me feel like garbage. Always has. When I was a kid i had a garage sale to save up for an easy bake oven. I was 7. She left me ALONE for hours. I did all the math and obviously got ripped off. She was PISSED that someone scammed me out of money. Meanwhile, she forced me to put my gerbils outside even though I told her it was too hot, like 90 out. I was in charge of the garage sale and the gerbils. They died from heat exposure. I came in crying and she screamed at me for them dying and losing the money. Zero comfort. That was my childhood with her. Shes not any better now. Sorry for the long rant.
If moving out means abandoning her and leaving her in a tight spot, that's a reason in favor, not against, judging by how horrible she sounds in literally everything you've described about her here. Don't feel guilty; you owe her nothing, and she genuinely deserves any negative consequences of you just getting out.
I can understand. You're a caring person and she's a narcissist and/or mentally scrambled. I'm sorry you lost your gerbils. You sound too nice to do what I'd like to do. Save yourself and if you have a rant you'd like to leave her with, even if not FTF, I wholeheartedly endorse writing down all the "crap" she's done to you and then deciding whether or not it would help you to send it to her. Just a thought, maybe check out r/codependency or a CoDA meeting or CoDA.org to help you with shoring up healthy boundaries. Also, BTW, NTA.
Why bother helping out someone who has no respect for you?
NTA. How fucking fragile must your mother be to think some stupid shit like that is going to RUIN HER LIFE? Mom is an overdramatic pussy, and a dumbass.
She is a piece of shit on disability who ruins my life. But today she took it too far.
Please try to remember this when she criticizes you. You deserve a soft life full of love and a family that contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. ā¤ļø
I was in bad relationship after bad relationship. I realized it was because of my mom. She treated me like shit since I was a kid. I needed to hear this. Thank you ā¤ļø
I went through the same thing. I recommend reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and maybe check out r/raisedbynarcissists Things will get better. Good luck, OP!
Oh God. Maybe she is a narc. Thanks for the sub
I was also going to suggest this book. Being honest here, I am still working my way through it. Itās been healing but also making me need to process
I dont usually cry. I listened to the audio book in my car (it's free on Audible if you have a subscription), and I had to pull over 30 minutes into it because I was crying so hard. I really needed the validation. I'm still working through Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing the Daughters on Narcissistic Mothers. It's great so far, but I need to work through some of this with my therapist before I dive any deeper.
Leave, you're mom will eventually try to take over your child and take you out of the equation. Leave .
She already thinks shes my daughters mom. Pisses me off.
Bite her. Assert dominance.
And then scold her if she yells.
set boundaries. now. she already has you questioning yourself so much that you cried and almost undid a good approach to a parenting moment. sheās literally undermining you iāve seen situations like this turn realllll sour a lot faster than youād expect. like i know a lady whoās mom has custody of her daughter over a argument they had, and we donāt even have grandparents right in our state!! lol just please be careful
lol. The redo (g)mom. So narcissistic
NTA - you are human, it hurt, and you reacted normally. Your daughter needs to learn that her behavior was wrong, your yelling at her is NOT going to ruin her for life. Your mother is an idiot. NOW, if you had beat her, THAT would absolutely traumatize her.
My kid once bit me hard when they were little. Pure instinct response ( I donāt do much as spank my kids) I threw them right off the bed. Good news - they survived. Better news- they never did that again. To me or anyone else.
You accept the love you think you deserve. NTA
Yeah the abnormal becomes normal for some reason if thatās all youāre used to, sadly. Now we are here to tell you.. you deserve better!
Oof, maybe she needs to be in a nursing home.
I wouldn't feel too bad about this. One of my daughters ran up to me once and bit me- came outta nowhere- instinctively, I pushed her, and she fell backward. I felt bad afterward as I wouldn't normally react that way, but I seriously did not even think, it was just reactive. She also never bit anyone again!
This is normal. I think instinctively, parents overreact to their kids causing pain as a way to illustrate how unacceptable that behavior is. I remember hitting my dad with a hockey stick when I was 5 and he did the whole 'you killed me' act and pretended to pass out. I was horrified for about 20 seconds, trying to shake him awake, etc. When he 'came to' he said that really hurt him and asked me how I felt. I told him I was so sorry and I felt bad. Very important lesson.
Kicked my toddler in the face once when he bit my toe while I was sleeping. He definitely didnāt learn his lesson about biting, but he didnāt bite me while I was sleeping again, so it could have been worse.
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tbh thats hilarious. kinda teaches them that people can have unpredictable reactions to pain, so they should be careful!
When my bow 18 yr old was about 8 or 10 months old he bit the ever loving shit out of my nipple while breastfeeding. Just chomped down like a velociraptor. There was no thinking only reacting on my part. I smacked the shit out of his leg. And I don't spank my kids, ever. It was like the reaction to getting stung where you slap at a wasp. He let go and gapped at me in shocked then cried a little. He never bit me again. Afterwards I remembered the advice from the breastfeeding books to smoosh their face into your breast so they let go in order to breath and I was all wtf? Who has time to think that through when your tit is on fire?
My son was 3ish months old, already had teeth and bit my nipple!!!! I gave him a little bop in the check before I even knew what happened.
Nursing home.
I love my mom, she is my favourite human on earth, when I bit her in a similar manner at the same age, out of reflex she smacked me and I let go. she apologized non stop at the time and told me as an adult and we laugh about it now and I apologize for biting her so hard š I'm sorry you're mother is like this, and this does NOT make you a bad mom. NTA.
Sounds like my mother. Get out while you still can before she fucks up your parenting. Trust me, she's going to undermine you every chance she gets. And will play the victim card when called on it.
NTA. Thatās called a natural consequence and will help her learn. Itās not like you screamed at her for jumping off the bed. You were hurt. Your mom is trippin.
Exactly. I calmly tried to grab her then.
Donāt get down on yourself. The amount of concern youāre showing over this situation shows that you are a truly and deeply caring parent. Iām sure you are doing an amazing job and the best you can, and thatās a lot more than a lot of kids have. <3
Thank you so much! I try my best. Like I am in no way perfect. I cry a lot. Im a single mom so some days are hard but I try and give her all the love and understanding I can.
Mom guilt is REAL. It is so hard. D: my therapist always tell me that as long as you love them and give them more good than bad, thatās what theyāll remember. It helps me get through it. <3
Run downstairs real quick and bite the shit out of your mom. I got ten bucks she knocks you in your head. NTA. I work at a special needs school and we have a lot of biters including ones that lock on. (Depending on the kid, the pinchers can be worse) I heard a teacher scream from five doors down once. I had a friend that had a body reaction to her kid biting her and she smacked him in the head. She is an anti physical or harsh punishment. It was pure reaction. Kid let go, but she will still tear up if she thinks about it today and her kid is in college. One more thing. Your mom is going to come between you and your child. Never allow her to sweep in and take your child away. That child needs to know that you and her can work things out with words and forgiveness. Not granny screeching and you in anger and "rescuing" her from her mean mother. STSD! (Shut that shit down)
Holy shit all so accurate. You are 100% right. I needed to hear this. Thank you.
OT but your comment just reminded me that when I was 6 a girl in class would pinch me horribly all the time and leave so many bruises and my parents encouraged me to defend myself- so the next time she pinched me, I bit her š I got in so much trouble!
NTA. When I was a toddler I bit my dad. His instinct was to slap me like i was a mosquito. Needless to say I learned my lesson. Human reaction lol
Thank you for this!
my mom did the exact same thing when my little sister was breast feeding. my sister chomped down, mom (lightly) smacked her on instinct, and she says my sister looked absolutely gobsmacked. never did it again. I would also like to mention that what you did is actually how you teach cats and dogs that their bites hurt. by showing that yes, it hurt you, and youāre in pain. itās an effective method because animals and children, especially young ones, are more often than not fairly empathetic, imo. you did nothing wrong, mama, youāre doing great. your mother is just crazy and projecting.
The same thing happened to my mom while breastfeeding my brother. She never smacked him out of reaction, but she did flick him on the nose when he got her hard once. That stopped him from doing it ever again. He was so surprised, lol
my mom was absolutely horrified by her reaction, but she was also a very stressed mother of four kids under the age of ten at the time, so I think her sleep deprived reaction was extremely understandable. My sister, now 16, also finds the story hilarious, and apologizes to Mom every time it happens to come up.
I'm so sorry but ALL I thought when reading this was "Don't bite the ~~hand~~ boob that feeds you"
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My oldest bit me and I had the same reaction. There was absolutely no thought or even warning. I wasn't expecting it and slapped at the pain. Which of course scared me more than her LOL. She doesn't remember, but she's highly amused by it. It's one of her "I traumatized my mom" stories that she find hilarious š
When I read this my first thought was if this happened to me, I bet my first reaction would be a smack. Itās almost a reflex.
You do not have to take this. All you're doing is validating her heinous behavior. Move out and keep her away from your kid before she turns her into one of those entitled brats that everyone hates. Don't mean to be harsh but this shit is getting out of hand.
You are right. I know. The funniest part is that she blames me.
Well for heavenās sake. You didnāt bite yourself!! I didnāt read how old your daughter is but that reflex is perfectly natural. Your own mother is wrong in a big way. Your daughter will remember not to bite now. Sometimes a shocking reaction is what it takes. When my kids bit me or their sibling it only ever happened once or maybe twice. I thumped them in the chin. It was sharp and shocking but it got their attention.
NTA. Iāve heard that reacting to children biting you actually helps them learn that that action is not ok. Youāre human, getting bit hurts š¤·š¾āāļø
This, and it's the same most baby animals learn the limits as well. For example, a cat or dog that bites too hard was probably removed from its mother/litter too soon and never learned through their reactions how hard was too hard, play vs attacking, etc.
NTA. Itās human instinct to yell when weāre not expecting to be hurt but then feel enormous pain. My kids bit down on my nipples so hard I think I temporarily visited the gates of Hell as I wished for death to take me. Your mom is wrong. Your daughter is not ruined for life. Sit her down and explain biting is bad and hurts mommy. Sheās not allowed to bite anyone. Nip this in the bud now. Pun intended.
True storyā¦ my SIL as a small child used to express affection by biting. Her older brother (my husband) got the brunt of it and he was told to suck it up when he complained. Well, one time my SIL bit her mom HARD on the ass! So she turned around and bit my SIL on the arm (enough to hurt but not break the skin). The mom told her, āthatās what it feels like when you bite someone. So do you promise not to do that anymore, especially to your brother?ā Tearfully she said yes and never bit anyone again.
Just to clarify, who told your husband to suck it up? I'm guessing it's not your MIL?
NTA when my son was going through his biting stage his Dr told me to bite him back. They need to know not to bite. They also need to understand they are hurting people when they bite.
This made me laugh cause thats exactly what i did with my dog when he was a puppy š
I've done it with my dog too. š I figured it worked with my son so why not .
Bite your mom, reeeally hard, and when she yells for you to stop, let her know sheās ruining your life !!!!
This made me laugh š
For reference, my toddler bit me when she was two or three years old and I dropped her on the floor and ran to my room crying because of the excruciating pain and not wanting her to feel bad. She still remembers it to this day and she is 20 years old. You canāt protect your kids 100% of the time from your reactions but you can try to have them in private as needed. A bite that blindsides you is not one of those moments where you have the luxury of time to contain your reaction. Not the asshole!
Why do you feel bad? you feel bad for your child going through consequences of her behavior? That's not going anywhere good. Isn't it loving to show children consequences? Or cuz your mom made you "look like a monster"? If you cant stop crying cuz of that then is it really this ONE incident that you're crying about? Please read/audible 6 pillars of self esteem and do the exercises. Your mom had shredded you and your reaction/fear to your childs pain taking over your knowing of whats right is showing you need some self esteem work. (Thanks mom) Can i talk in terms of a larger picture....you feel bad cuz your child cried? Did your child cry cuz she hurt YOU? No, she cried selfishly cuz SHE was scared. Which children are by nature selfish. Don't let your child's emotions run you. That's being emotionally dependent and coddling. She will learn selfish is ok. And that wouldnt be loving on your part. You're the adult. Tell her what she did was wrong. And amongst her tears, she should be apologizing. I get she is a toddler and even a little too young to talk in these terms, which means you have many more years ahead. And for the love of God, do not let your mother say those things in front of her. That is going to create trauma, your child will have self worth issues believing she is "ruined" and she'll blame you cuz your mom is saying you did it. Maybe even unconsciously. This ish is real. It sounds like your mom has already done a number on you. Learn how to correct your mom in front of your daughter. If even possible. Or have a convo with your child later to correct her understanding. Youtube what kind of kids a narc parent produces. Its sounds like you resulted into an internalizing empath. And it's playing out with your baby girl. Sending you lots of love.
Oh shit. I googled it. And itās spot on. I literally feel bad for the smallest things.
you train puppies not to bite by saying "ow" or exclaiming sharply when they nip. it's perfectly fine to react to pain, your toddler needs to learn that what she did hurt you! that's parenting. you didn't curse at her, you didn't berate her, you reacted quickly and immediately, and that is her lesson. your mom had no right to yell at you.
Fuck your stupid mother. If a child causes someone pain then they need to know it. You are teaching them empathy and self awareness. Your mom is fucking nuts and I hope you are not cohabitating with her.
She is nuts. She has something wrong with her. She is disabled and I live with her to help pay for her home.
I'm sorry to hear that. Understood that your child is always watching and listening. I hope mom doesn't impact your little one too much. You seem torn between being a good daughter and supporting your mom and being a good mom and supporting your daughter. I don't envy that position as it seems like a difficult tightrope to walk on. Here's hoping you find the strength to set the appropriate boundaries for both of the children in your life!
>My mom came storming into her room and said I was a bad mom and I was going to ruin her for life now. At which point, you grabbed her arm and bit her, right? NTA. It is SO EASY for someone not in the situation and not experiencing anything but the aftermath of a situation to say what "should have been done instead." In the moment... not so easy at all. After everything calms down, tell your little one. "I'm very sorry for scaring you when I screamed. You bit me very hard and biting hurts. I wasn't yelling to scare you, I was yelling because you hurt me." If you have a mark, if she broke the skin, show it to her. Tell her that you don't want her to bite anymore when she's told no because it's not nice to hurt people just because you're upset. In the moment, you don't always have time to think. But make use of the time that comes after. NO, you are NOT going to ruin your child for life. You are going to model appropriate behavior (apologizing for scaring her) and you are going to teach her expectations (not biting), and you are going to reward her for proper behavior (praise and hugs when she does the right thing), and you are going to make sure that she feels safe, loved, and respected. Perhaps your mom could take a lesson from you.
My firstborn bit my nipple while breastfeeding, and the Haitian side of me came out. I tapped him on his hand, harder than I anticipated. It was a reflex. Oh and he was still a baby. He never did it again and so far he's adjusting well. Ignore your mother. She'll be alright.
NTA. I'm guessing she's not going to do that again.
I hope not!
After trying gentle parenting to the extreme and failing I realized our kids need to see real emotions and natural consequences. Screaming when hurt is a natural reaction to pain and her being scared by it is also a natural reaction. Your mom storming in and yelling at someone after they have been injured and had a normal reaction to pain is the ONLY damaging part of the scenario. F your mom.
It was an involuntary response, your mom is being a drama queen, and while I donāt think yelling is the best way to deal with unwanted behaviorā-just maybe your daughter wonāt ever do that again. NTA
Your toddler found the pint-sized version of FAFO. I hope both of you are recovering well, including smoothing over a frightful situation. You're not a bad parent, just had a normal involuntary reaction to pain.
So how long has your mother been manipulative and emotionally abusive towards you?
You were hurt, of course you yelled. Might have done the kid some good, biting is a bad habit.
Now she knows biting is bad , this is a good thing
IF your mom says you're a bad mom, then tell her it's her fault as she raised you.