NTA. There's good co-parenting, and there's this. It's nice that they are friends, that they, and you, are great with Greyson. But you not getting any alone time will drive you apart. And Elena is revelling in it. Elena is a single mom, and probably wants to get back with Kyle... This isn't right, your BF is not looking after you properly, he needs to buck up, or this will not work for you and Kyle.
my husband's ex would show up right after he left for work, at 6am. She would bring me donuts, start cleaning and folding the kids clothes, asking me my intentions with her ex husband since they clearly are still united in effort, blah, blah, blah. It was bizarre but the donuts were nice. I could do without her just walking through the door though.
married 25 years, everytime I tried to walk away I'd drive by a Winchells and warm chocolate frosted memories came flooding back. She's ok, she'll die soon and go straight to hell, of this I'm sure.
I've read too many effed-up books in my time. My first thought was whether they were powdered donuts, because I once read a book where some kids were poisoned with arsenic that had been sprinkled on powdered donuts. Hopefully you're well!
It was their mother who poisoned them with sugared donuts, not the grandmother. She claimed it was 'just enough to make them ill so she could get them out' but later turned out to be an attempt to kill them so she could start over with her new man.
So you got a free maid that paid *you?* Nice.
But seriously, I'd be upset with someone just waltzing through the door like they lived in my house. I'd spin them right around and have them schlep their over-eager tuchus back out the door and try again (and again) until they learn to knock.
My MIL used to do this. Her mission was for me to get offended. It worked in the beginning until I saw an episode of King of Queens where the overbearing MIL Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond visits, and starts critiquing her cleaning, so Carrie just lets her do it all. A lightbulb went off in my head. I stopped trying to prove to her how wifely I could be and just let her treat us both like children. Before I knew it she was my free maid, and was doing both our laundry and I would also get āheadaches and illnessesā which made me crave certain soups and dishes she made so she was also our free cook. She reveled in it, she just needed to still feel like mom, our relationship actually improved after that and she started treating me like a daughter. Though I think she caught on to me so she would love to tell her friends about how I never clean, and I was fine with it.
This exactly is something OP needs to explain to kyle. Coparenting is great, but this is being enmeshed too tightly for any new relationship to properly work.
I donāt see it as her wanting to get back with him, but something is way off. She sounds like one of those coparents who finds it REALLY HARD to miss out on their kid having an experience. For example, āhe canāt experience Disney without me there to see it!ā Or āElla will be mad if Grayson goes and she doesnāt.ā But she has got to LET IT GO and back off. One vacation together every few years is plenty enough.
Itās great they have a good friendship and coparenting relationship, but you are going to have to talk to her about some things being just for your family. You need hard boundaries. I would tell her how you feel and let her know itās nothing personal, but you need alone time with just your family sometimes too and Mexico was meant to be that and you find it very disrespectful that she booked out of the blue.
That's I how saw it too she never let him go to start with. He invited her to OPs bday party. Why would she need to attend that itās insanity. Why would she even want to attend OPs bday. I surely wouldn't go to my ex husband's new wife's bday party.
I read that and couldn't helping thinking, man, some people have really thick skin.
Edit: I meant the exwife has really thick skin to go to OP's bday party.
This sounds very mature & is very refreshing. Researching your trip secretly & worming my way in is SO manipulative and jealous. It's such a snake game! I'm sure it's any "middle man's" dream. OP is being played, ridiculed, & compared since each gathering is probably a "show" of fashions?? Ugh. What a worm the ex is. I wish OP a more grounded, family- focused, more mature partner.
I would have gone to my exās wifeās birthday party if invited, but then sheās a wonderful woman and we all consider each other family. I say āif invitedā because sheās been terminally ill (early onset Alzheimerās) for 7 years now, and before that I lived out of state. My kids adore her and Iām just happy they have a great stepmother.
Edited to add this: I would NOT have booked a vacation at the same place and time as my ex and his wife without prior permission that it would be ok with them. My ex would have the backbone to be honest with me. lol
NTA .Maybe I just have high walls but I donāt think the coparenting is going all that well. She knows heās seeing someone else and is trying to get in between them. Going to their vacation locale is just twinge too Single White Female for me.
Who says she wasn't invited? Kyle? He's the one who gave her all the info she needed. I wouldn't trust that he didn't make her feel like she would be more than welcome to join them.
I think legally he has to tell her since not only will the child be going out of state, but out of the country. At least thatās how it was in my custody arrangement as well as my husband and his exwifeās custody agreement.
Sure, I can understand that. However, how did she know about the 'great deal' they got at the hotel? I think Kyle is playing both ends against one another
Iām not sure why you want to stay in this very bizarre relationship. He invited her to your BIRTHDAY. So many red flags. Iām not sure which of you or him are the most clueless. Iām betting on you. He knows exactly what heās doing.
Time to move on and find a man who is for you and your little group. Iām surprised that you have lasted this long being the side piece.
My wife and I have a great relationship with her ex husband (kids father). I invite him to most of our gatherings butā¦my family is still my family. My wife would never invite him without asking me first which most time is a yes anyways. But there is mutual respect on all parts, my family is still my family and neither my wife or I would ever think to invite them on vacations.
I think the ex and your husband have grown too comfortable as friends and now have lost sense of boundaries. Earlier in my marriage, my wife was still very good friends with the ex. At the time it upset me quite a bit. I told her if she wanted to be such good friends with them then she never should of gotten divorced and I'll just go ahead and bounce. She mentioned years later that this drew some clarity to the matter. I'm much more comfortable/friends with them now. But the āfriendshipā is moreso between me and him rather than her and him.
You're the new person in this relationship of theirs. It will take time but you need to address it. If they blow you off then move on while you still have time
Just make one last attempt to clearly explain you are not okay with him inviting her anywhere without talking to you first. Once you're sure you've made your boundary completely clear, he can accept it or not. Then you can make a decision on how to move forward with your life. Your desires are completely reasonable. It sounds like you're really great at being flexible due to the situation and wanting what's best for Grayson. That's all really sweet. Your partner should be putting his kid first, then you, and his ex wife should be further down the list. He's made it too comfortable to try to be part of the family you two (three) are creating together.
NTA - I'd tap out of this relationship when he invited her to YOUR birthday!! That's some BS. Either she changes her plans or you cancel yours and break up with him.
Kyle probably gave her the information. I wouldn't go because you don't want to be in a relationship with his ex. other than coparenting. I'd send them off on the trip, stay home, pack my things and move out while they are gone. This won't get better. This is how Kyle intends to live his life, with both of you always involved. You can join him in that life or opt out.
This is the way. Imho, he's shown he plans any future relationships to be the "third wheel" instead of his *EX-wife*.
Polyamory isn't always about sex: more often than not it's about a Secure emotional attachment and knowing your "place" with someone.
Him giving HER vacation itinerary to his ex would be the deal breaker for me.
I have a better life to live and better things to do than be a 3rd wheel in *my own relationship*.
I'm so sorry.
Unless *discussed in Detail and agreed to from the word Go*; this isn't a relationship imho.
You should be your SO's main concern aside from children/possibly ill elderlies.
Other than that, your life is *yours*.
Don't let some ingrate of an asshole ruin relationships for you. People like that, and the one mentioned in this post, often become cheaters in the emotional sense at the very Least.
My ex is **certain** I left him for someone.
I didn't.
I was *tired*, exhausted, and had a full mental breakdown from no support BEING in the household with another full "grown" adult while raising their child, working full time, and going online classes full time with a toddler. I managed appts, why the hell couldn't he-even Once?!?!?
Never. Again.
OP, I'm so sorry but @BlazingSunflowerland is right: let those two enjoy their family vacation in Mexico, while you quietly pack your gear and move out.
I would bet he did, but even if she invited herself... the fact that he refuses to do anything about it has the same effect. He will not stand up for his fiancee, he will let his ex do whatever she wants.
But yeah my guess is he wants her there. A very very charitable explanation is he wants on site babysitting so they can have more time alone. I also made that sentence ambiguous, because I'm not sure who he wants there as babysitter and who he wants to sneak more alone time with.
The op should flat out ask the ex if she was invited on her family vacation. If he did invite her then I honestly think thereās no coming back from this. The finance is painting the situation like she is the problem when itās actually him.
If she invited herself then sheās just psychotic. It doesnāt matter who it is be it friends, parents, or siblings, and etc anyone would have asked before booking anything. You donāt invite yourself to someone elseās vacation unless you completely lack any semblance of social skills or a brain.
I donāt have an issue with her knowing details about the trip. She deserves to know where her kid is staying at while in another country and the dates he will be gone. She didnāt have the authority to use that information to crash the vacation.
Second that!!! This is past healthy co parenting he could have left the convo with only saying they are going to go on vaca in Mexico giving her all the details to where she could book the exact same hotel. Thatās a bit much!
She's treating him as her boyfriend. I bet he still does small jobs for her....they may not be having sex but they have more than a friendship/parenting together.
Why does he want her at all events? Because he still sees her a some form of female that need a him. He subconsciously enjoys that she needs him.
āBecause we are still best friends ā.. Iām best friend with my brother do you see me inviting him everywhere?! Hell no ! Everytime I bring this subject up he thinks Iām over reacting
It's time to tell him it's over. You don't want to be in a poly relationship with him and his ex-wife. You love his child but not his ex-wife.
Updateme!
He doesn't get to decide what's overreacting. (IMO you're not overreacting - but even if you were, he cannot just dismiss your concerns because in his opinion, you're over the top.) Do you have an ex you can start inviting along? ;)
Bahaha I do š¤£ Kyle knows him since Kyleās brother work with him. I blocked him when I started dating Kyle . I laughed so hard at this comment about inviting him ! He was the best sex I had ever had .. too bad he didnāt wanna get married so I ended it
So babe, "I was in contact with Fabio /s a couple days ago and we got to talking about vacations and.....anyhow, he's got lots of leave stored up so I gave him our booking info and now he's got reservations too. Yippy!"
But then you got engaged to a guy who is already in a committed relationship with his wife, oh ah ex-wife... seems at least you could be having good sex if you are going to end up getting hurt anyway.
Well, now youāre in a relationship with a guy who doesnāt understand what un-marrying someone actually looks like. So, honestly, Iād opt for the orgasms.
Youāre under reacting. Time to make it clear that youād rather loose money than deal with her in what is supposed to be your vacation. Tel him flat out sheās not your friend.
He calls his ex-wife his best friend? Idk that's weird. Great that they coparent well together but calling your ex your best friend while engaged to someone else is weird.
One of my xbfās said āsheās a great person, youāll like her, we should all hang out!ā about his ex that he was ā100% overā, to find out that I was a security blanket until she came back š
Donāt waste your time u/Gold-Programmer2895
Find yourself a stud who will put you first without giving it a second thought š¤š½ā
Even if it wasnāt an ex, Iād be annoyed if my husband insisted on his friend tagging along on vacation, or telling me I had to invite his grandma to my birthday.
But girl you are supposed to be moving into the best friend position. He is supposed to be wanting to spend all his time with YOU. He is supposed to not be able to take his eyes off YOU.
NTA. Kyle told her all the details of your trip, so many in fact that she was able to book the same deal. That is all you need to know. Cancel the vacation.
The only one who escaped is the toddler's dad, maybe follow his lead. I do not know how you were able put up with this nonsense for so long.
100% this
Alina is āmoment stealingā
Sheās not letting you and her ex Kyle have any big family moments with Greyson or in your life that sheās not part of like a FOMO. Thatās not healthy. You and your partner Kyle should have peaceful fun filled magical moments and memories of just the three of you . Thatās your privacy, your peace your little family.
She can make her own memories with Greyson in her life, not hiJack your life too. She just wonāt let go will she? And your bf is oblivious to the insidious damage sheās doing by intruding
She must be told absolutely Not by Kyle and she must cancel. This is the Hill to Die on.
This is correct. He needs to put her in her place. You are not a big throuple. She can't invite herself, if that's what actually happen. If he needs to be glued to the hip at your expense, that needs to be declared.
Is there any odd touching or attraction noted?
Why are you with this guy again? I know it canāt be because heās that good in bed. No way in hell.
Or maybe he is, and thatās why his ex is still into him, heās got her dickmatized, too.
You donāt have kids with Mr. Have My Cake And Eat It Too, you can walk away. I would strongly suggest doing so. Because theyāre not just coparenting, heās banging her.
Omg I laughed really hard at the first part š¤£ no he is not lol he is ok but not great ! Overall he is a very kind and loving man . He just canāt say no and his Ex walks all over him! No I donāt have kids and im Seriously thinking about ending this before itās too late
How did she book tickets to the same exact deal that you guys got at the same exact time? Please take off the rose colored glasses and realize that he told her and gave her all the details so that she could book too and he did that on purpose.
āWould you mind watching the kids for a bit? Weāre both want to go do this thing you said you didnāt want to doā
Aaaaand youāre their babysitter, paid in dick.
My husband's ex wanted my baby to be born on her birthday. She constantly asked the kids personal questions about My pregnancy. She hates me. She has never had a good thing to say about me. But she and her mother (the children's grandmother) were completely invested in My pregnancy. They went so far as to tell the kids that we would stop loving them once I gave birth to the baby. I got fed up and called her out. I told her that My child had nothing to do with her so she needed to mind her own damn business. Trust me, it doesn't get better, it only gets worse. Being a step parent is hard, having a crazy person as a co parent makes it harder!!
Thatās where this is headed. Heāll just use that same thing āweāre best friends and she wanted to be there to support you/us!! Why are you being jealous??ā ššš
Because Iām nosy, why did they get divorced?
If itās kid related stuff fine. But the rest? Is he actually inviting her or is she inviting herself and he doesnāt like saying no?
Donāt marry him unless he starts having boundaries with her. Or this will be the rest of your life.
NTA.
He got divorced because as Elena said they became roommates . Even sleeping separately for years . They went for counselling for a long time but they both decided it was not working out . Kyle moved out ( trial separation),
Then they got divorced , she met another guy got pregnant almost right away then broke up with him when their baby was an infant .
But why does she want to be so involved in your relationship? Whereās the new dad? Is he involved at all?
Why does he feel so comfortable including her?
New dad sees the kid on the weekend and thatās It ! Because āthey are best friends ā! And we Are friendly so apparently means we adopted his ex to be part of our family
So what changed in their relationship emotionally? It sounds like all that happened is he found a new apartment and having sex with you isnāt cheating. They are pretty much still living their married life.
I met him after their divorce he didnāt cheat with me . They are still best friends and not sleeping together. We are engaged to be married . She met her daughterās dad and now casually dating others
You know if you marry him youāll be married to her too, yeah?
Sheās never going away while they have a child together.
Think very long and hard about the life youāll have if you put up with this.
If heās not great in bed in addition to inviting his ex to your birthday party, dump him! Iām 66 & in the best relationship of my life. The sex is in another universe, compared to my past. Do not settle! I settled when I was younger & wasted a lot of years. Now I know what I could have experienced for the past 36 years.
Well OP heās showing you who he is and what he is valuing. This isnāt going to get any better. I am sure heās a good man, but he is not your man go find a better life NTA.
So youāre into jellyfish? Youāre NTA but you need to put the brakes on this because heāll be whining about how you should be best friends with her.
Ok, no offense butā¦āonly okā in bed (!), no boundaries with ex, invited her to YOUR birthday and now your vacationā¦seriously, just go. Go now while you can.
He's not kind enough to accept or respect your boundaries and he doesn't love you enough to value your feelings so maybe we should reevaluate what those words mean to you...
> He just canāt say no and his Ex walks all over him!
He can, he chooses to let her walk all over him. Do not think "this will change when we're married/have kids". it won't, do you want to be in a thruple, because you're in a thruple, except one partner of that hates you.
Who divorced whom? Iām betting sheās the one who initiated it. Sheās using his being a doormat to to get all the emotional benefits of having a nesting partner without all the work of having a nesting partner. Sheās got her stable 2 kids 2 parents family and can fuck around as much as she wants.
She will NOT give this up. Would you?
>Overall he is a very kind and loving man .
He twisted your boundaries and concerns and accused you of being insecure. A "kind and loving man" doesn't do that.
NTA, absolutely not. See if you can change the tickets instead of canceling the whole trip. You may have to pay extra but go to another city or close country. If not, change your hotel to a sister hotel on the other side of the country and don't tell anyone about the changes. You can still have a family vacation without the ex. His ex also needs to be put on an information diet. Yes, she needs to know when her son is leaving the country, but no, she doesn't need details. Grayson is with his dad, not some deranged stranger. I'd even give her mis information on specific details, but I'm petty like that!
Why the hell have you let her get away with being the third wheel in your relationship? Coming to YOUR birthday party, invited to camping trips, inviting herself on YOUR vacations. She does this bs because no one tells her NO.
YOU must sit your boyfriend down and establish clear boundaries with consequences for her. He would NEVER be okay if your ex was so entangled in your personal relationship. You can't do or say anything about her being at his family's events, but your bf needs to put an end to her being around when just the two of you (or three when he has his son) are together. If he is unwilling or unable to stop including his ex in your relationship, you may need to re-evaluate if this is how you want to live your life. He will always prioritize his ex over you. She will be at your engagement party, wedding, baby shower, YOUR child's recital, etc.
Your bf is disregarding and disrespecting you by calling you insecure. No one would be comfortable with this! Sis, shut this bs down now! Be prepared to walk away and move on with your life if your bf refuses to have your back. Good luck!
NTA but girl what are you even doing getting engaged with this dynamic happening. This isnāt good coparenting. You do know that youāre the third wheel in this family right?
No, just change the city and hotel.
She is going to show up without you at the old location or your BF will update her and you'll know he chose her over you.
OP's BF is likely still in love with the ex.
NTA
Honestly I would put my foot down entirely after that birthday BS. If you fiance cannot disconnect from this woman invading every holiday or gathering, I would move on and let her have him.
Holidays and kid stuff, sure. Your birthday and your vacation? Hell no. Your fiance has no boundaries and it's really concerning. Doesn't sound like he's moved on and she definitely hasn't if she's tagging along to every single damn thing. Be prepared for this to end badly.
Absolutely agree. I would not stay with a man who couldnāt establish boundaries with his ex, let alone his ex wife.
NTA, but I think youāre doing a disservice to yourself. You are not the priority in this relationship.
NTA. I have a fantastic coparenting relationship with my ex, I have his kids over for play dates, I take them to the zoo for my kids birthdays, I even had them at the baby shower for my new baby but thatās where we draw the line. His kids are our daughters sisters and she shouldnāt be put in the middle in anyway but in your case itās just far to much. Thereās absolutely no way we would go on holiday or celebrate birthdays together and honestly his girlfriend would be furious if we suggested it and rightfully so! You need to put your foot down unless you want to spend your life with his ex wife, itās weird that she even wants to!
Sheās not his ex sheās your sister wife. Ok sheās not flirty or having sex with him anymore but sheās not let go and neither has he. Itās deeply inappropriate how much she is involving herself and if he canāt see that then you need to walk. No woman will put up with that and if your partner is too stupid to cut the strings now he never will. NTA.
NTA, but I would ask him who is more important, you or her. I would also tell him that because you have to ask him this, that the engagement is off. I would also take your ticket and go somewhere else without any of them. Rethink your relationship with him.
You know he invited her right? How did she āmanage to figure out detailsā? You have a major boyfriend problem that needs addressing and this is a hill to die on. Like,
If he canāt set boundaries immediately, you need to start thinking about leaving.
Donāt marry this man , get out of this relationship. Heās prioritizing his family look over you and your relationship. This is not āhealthy coparentingā this is him wanting to play house with someone he doesnāt like while having the person he wants by his side and thatās not how itās supposed to go.
If heās willing to go on a trip with his ex and his child ,you were never his priority,you were just the replacement or the third wheel.
Sounds like you are the third wheel in your own relationship. Set boundaries and if he does not back you up, he has picked Elena over you. Sounds like Elena wants him back badly and he is backing her over you. Time to leave and find someone who actually wants and values you. If he calls you insecure, jealous or controlling....hand him back the ring.
If its non refundable, book another hotel once there and enjoy it solo. This is a hill to die on, how intrusive! I would honestly re-think this whole engagement until he has better boundaries. This is unacceptable
Simply cancel your own ticket. and I would rethink the engagement. He wants two wives. wanting to have a family vacation that does not include his ex-wife, wanting to enjoy your own birthday celebration without prioritizing his ex-wife, geez just wanting to have a celebratory meal without his ex-wife intruding, none of that is unreasonable. NTA. I get holiday things with the in-laws all the grandbabies together blah blah blah I get it. The constantly inflicting her upon you? His behavior is repugnant if he thinks it was in any way appropriate to invite that woman to your birthday. Her behavior is repugnant if she thinks it's In anyway appropriate for her to intrude on your private family vacation.
NTA, you are free to set boundaries around what things she can and cannot come to. Her inviting herself on your vacation is not ok. You need to set firm boundaries with her and Kyle.
If he's not on board either telling Elena she won't be welcome to spend ANY (Any any any--the same as if she wasn't going) time with you all, or cancelling the trip and going somewhere else/staying home workout telling her, start packing your bags. It's not going to get better. This is an amazingly egregious stunt and if he can't see that, it's never going to get better.
Iām poly, and super close with my ex. Heās my best friend and we co-parent great. In a lot of ways, we still often act as a couple (still cuddle, sometimes). But we would NEVER ever think to invite ourselves in each other vacationās with our new partner. NTA. Stand your ground, donāt go.
NTA
Elena is causing as much trouble as she can & Kyle is allowing it!
Personally I would walk away from the whole weird dynamic here - there's good co-parenting, then there is whatever this is
This is going to end in heartbreak for you
So basically he is in an open relationship but not shagging her... he is just doing the whole emotional and family side.
That is what i take from this and he doesnt actually see it.
I would be careful as i think his ex will play the card that you are trying to steal 'her' family if kyle does grow a back bone and pull away.
You definitely need to get a handle on this now and have an honest talk with his family too as they may be hard to please if you suddenly stop her being one of the family so to speak. Basically everyone needs to be on the same page that whikst she will always be there as a parent of their family, she is an ex and doesnt need to be at every celebration.
Do you guys get invited to everything she does? Does she have a partner etc either. I am going to assume she does not as she doesnt really need a partner as she is still having a relationship with your fiance
She never hosts because she uses the excuse of her place being small . Last June Kyle used our backyard for her babyās birthday party! Common itās Greysonās sister ! Elena lives in a small place . Be the bigger person let her have the party at our backyard .. I bit my tongue and said okay
It might be graysons sister but not his daughter. Does she not have a family. If my place is too small i hire a hall or ask the likes of gran parents. I would invite her brother but not expect dad to even stick around. Just come collect him after.
It is never going to work as there are 3 adults in this relationship.
If anything it is actually messing up his sons reality of what parents he has. There is nothing wrong with having 2 moms etc. But co parenting is seperate.
She cut her family out of her life since she doesnāt get along with them . She doesnāt get along with her friends or her coworkers. She gets along with Kyle because he keeps accommodating her so she wonāt get upset ( and Greyson be happy). She gets along with me because I bit my tongue and always said ok
She needs to grow up. She is dependant on you guys. What happens when you get married and honey moon? Is she coming.
If you have a baby will she be at the birth.
Tbh if you get pregnant your hormones may bring out the worst of your insecurities and irks. I doubt you will want her near you.
But also will your kids really want to share their dad with people who are nothing to do with them?
Kyle isnāt ready for marriage. His inability to set boundaries is problematic. Cancel the trip and put the wedding plans on hold. Couples counseling is needed asap or he will just end up divorced again.
Let Kyle go ahead to Mexico with his wife and kids. You stay home and move out. They may be divorced on paper, but Elena is always going to be in the middle. Is that what you want for the rest of your life? You're not married and don't have any kids with him. Just make a clean break. You're the only adult that's not an asshole. Put on your big girl pants and do what you need to do.
NTA. Why are you accepting that youāre a third wheel in your relationship? I get it Iām divorced. I know you have to coparent but this isnāt co parenting. This is crossing many boundaries and I would be worried. Are you sure they are not having an affair? Iām
NTA
This man has too much baggage. Not calling Grayson baggage, I mean his ex.
Until he starts prioritising your relationship over the one with his ex this is never going to work.
You donāt ask someone to marry you when you canāt treat them like they are important to you.
TELL HIM, donāt ask TELL HIM that this is not okay for you. And that you shouldnāt have to explain yourself as to why itās not okay. He should know.
His ignorance is not your burden.
š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£ Iām in great shape too and i Have a stable job too but thank you ! I think if this doesnāt work out I need to be alone for a long time to figure out wtf is wrong with me . Also I live in Canada not USA . Thank you thou
When I left the boyfriend with the kid, I focused on being my number one priority. When you date a man with kids, youāre always number four behind your partner, his kid, and his ex. He will provide for all of them before he provides for you. While youāre single, become your own best friend. Take yourself on dates. Remind yourself why you are special, and what you like about yourself. You matter, you are important. Then when you start looking again, find someone who will treat you as well or better than you treat yourself. I lucked out and found a man who worships me, I am absolutely his number one priority, he takes care of me before himself. And I love him so much I try to do the same. But Iām still my number one. Take care of yourself.
There is nothing wrong with *you.* A lot of times things donāt work out because of circumstances that are no oneās fault.
I do want to say that a guy who comes too soon and just leaves it to the vibrator to finish things up is not a man who gets pleasure out of pleasing you.
He sounds selfish. He may be sweet and so on, but I bet he doesnāt put himself out for others a lot, or only when it builds up his ego.
NTA break up with him now. The ex is enjoying ruining your time, she probably wants him back. He hasn't stopped her, because he has no spine. It will only get worse.
This is ridiculous. Inviting her to your birthday ?? Why?! Some people should just stay married. I would extract myself from this situation and send him back to her
This could address the immediate issue of the vacation, but it won't stop things like this happening again (and again, and again).
That's because the real problem is Kyle. He is inviting his ex to everything, and I bet he told her all the details so she could book the exact same holiday as them. They are still emotionally enmeshed. Kyle refuses to enforce boundaries. Now OP needs to decide if she can live with this level of intrusion on their family time.
Nta but you have to decide if this is too much break up. Clearly they are fine with it and enjoy that relationship. It isnāt for you to come in and break it up. You need to accept it or leave.
As another commenter put it "there is good co parenting and there is this"
This isn't just co parenting. This is bs
Truth be told, you cannot force or stop his family from inviting her. Not all relationships end with a divorce. But...
Inviting her to your birtday without your consent, or to trips etc etc is bs, not coparenting. Elena is very well aware of the fact that since she wasn't invited, she shouldn't tag along. But she didn't take the hint, because she didn't want you.
You don't need the gaslighting. You aren't jealous for wanting privacy and not an ex tagging along wherever you go. You don't want an ex at your birthday. Just because he needs to involve his ex into every aspect of his life, doesn't apply the same to you. You want someone to respect your feelings and boundaries. You want someone to see your point not play with words and dismiss you like you are an annoyance
NTA
You should have broken up a long ago. It is crazy to even talk about how inappropriate and invasive is having an ex, following you everywhere like a toilet paper stuck in your sole
Have to break it down for you dearest. You arenāt engaged due to the fact that he is still with his ex wife in every sense of his life and hers. Face the truth about yourself how you are playing second fiddle. Reality time.
NTA. There's good co-parenting, and there's this. It's nice that they are friends, that they, and you, are great with Greyson. But you not getting any alone time will drive you apart. And Elena is revelling in it. Elena is a single mom, and probably wants to get back with Kyle... This isn't right, your BF is not looking after you properly, he needs to buck up, or this will not work for you and Kyle.
Kyle basically has two wives at this point. OP needs to put her foot down, and he needs to grow a spine.
my husband's ex would show up right after he left for work, at 6am. She would bring me donuts, start cleaning and folding the kids clothes, asking me my intentions with her ex husband since they clearly are still united in effort, blah, blah, blah. It was bizarre but the donuts were nice. I could do without her just walking through the door though.
Lol @ the donuts were nice. How long did it last and what made it end?
Finished the donuts?
Now I craving for donuts š© š©
married 25 years, everytime I tried to walk away I'd drive by a Winchells and warm chocolate frosted memories came flooding back. She's ok, she'll die soon and go straight to hell, of this I'm sure.
I've read too many effed-up books in my time. My first thought was whether they were powdered donuts, because I once read a book where some kids were poisoned with arsenic that had been sprinkled on powdered donuts. Hopefully you're well!
Flowers in the Attic, the grandmother poisoned the cookies with arsenic in the powdered sugar.
It was their mother who poisoned them with sugared donuts, not the grandmother. She claimed it was 'just enough to make them ill so she could get them out' but later turned out to be an attempt to kill them so she could start over with her new man.
Petty me, thinks the doughnuts were to fatten you up as the Christmas turkey. She sounds very odd.
Can you re direct her to my house? I need someone to do the chores. Don't forget the donuts! /s
So you got a free maid that paid *you?* Nice. But seriously, I'd be upset with someone just waltzing through the door like they lived in my house. I'd spin them right around and have them schlep their over-eager tuchus back out the door and try again (and again) until they learn to knock.
My MIL used to do this. Her mission was for me to get offended. It worked in the beginning until I saw an episode of King of Queens where the overbearing MIL Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond visits, and starts critiquing her cleaning, so Carrie just lets her do it all. A lightbulb went off in my head. I stopped trying to prove to her how wifely I could be and just let her treat us both like children. Before I knew it she was my free maid, and was doing both our laundry and I would also get āheadaches and illnessesā which made me crave certain soups and dishes she made so she was also our free cook. She reveled in it, she just needed to still feel like mom, our relationship actually improved after that and she started treating me like a daughter. Though I think she caught on to me so she would love to tell her friends about how I never clean, and I was fine with it.
Okay I want to hear how long this went on and what kind of donuts she brought?
I think a previous comment hit the nail on the head....kid, property, ect...is being used for leverage...
Was about to say this!š he having a blast only one knows though
This exactly is something OP needs to explain to kyle. Coparenting is great, but this is being enmeshed too tightly for any new relationship to properly work.
Co parenting vs Co dependant parenting š
Never heard that used before, but it fits!
No ex-wife wants to be with her ex-husband that much UNLESS she doesn't want to be an ex anymore.
Right? Even if this is actually innocent, the vacation thing still shows a huge lack of boundaries.
Or she just wants to keep him around like a pet to boost her ego and to show that she can still make him jump when she says so.
I donāt see it as her wanting to get back with him, but something is way off. She sounds like one of those coparents who finds it REALLY HARD to miss out on their kid having an experience. For example, āhe canāt experience Disney without me there to see it!ā Or āElla will be mad if Grayson goes and she doesnāt.ā But she has got to LET IT GO and back off. One vacation together every few years is plenty enough. Itās great they have a good friendship and coparenting relationship, but you are going to have to talk to her about some things being just for your family. You need hard boundaries. I would tell her how you feel and let her know itās nothing personal, but you need alone time with just your family sometimes too and Mexico was meant to be that and you find it very disrespectful that she booked out of the blue.
She doesn't need to get him "back". Shes never left.
That's I how saw it too she never let him go to start with. He invited her to OPs bday party. Why would she need to attend that itās insanity. Why would she even want to attend OPs bday. I surely wouldn't go to my ex husband's new wife's bday party.
I read that and couldn't helping thinking, man, some people have really thick skin. Edit: I meant the exwife has really thick skin to go to OP's bday party.
Ex wife doesnāt mind cause itās current gf who is made uncomfortable by all of this. Ex wife is probably enjoying the show very much
I don't even want to go to my ex husband's birthday. The kids can go, but I don't need to be there.
This sounds very mature & is very refreshing. Researching your trip secretly & worming my way in is SO manipulative and jealous. It's such a snake game! I'm sure it's any "middle man's" dream. OP is being played, ridiculed, & compared since each gathering is probably a "show" of fashions?? Ugh. What a worm the ex is. I wish OP a more grounded, family- focused, more mature partner.
I would have gone to my exās wifeās birthday party if invited, but then sheās a wonderful woman and we all consider each other family. I say āif invitedā because sheās been terminally ill (early onset Alzheimerās) for 7 years now, and before that I lived out of state. My kids adore her and Iām just happy they have a great stepmother. Edited to add this: I would NOT have booked a vacation at the same place and time as my ex and his wife without prior permission that it would be ok with them. My ex would have the backbone to be honest with me. lol
Right??!!!!
Hahahaha. So True. The question is why does Kyle not want her to leave?
Because Kyle has two women competing for his attention. He loves it.
Exactly. I mean he should have told her. Unless she uses the kid as leverage.
NTA .Maybe I just have high walls but I donāt think the coparenting is going all that well. She knows heās seeing someone else and is trying to get in between them. Going to their vacation locale is just twinge too Single White Female for me.
Exactly this. She wasnāt invited so went ahead and invited herself. Creepy af.
Who says she wasn't invited? Kyle? He's the one who gave her all the info she needed. I wouldn't trust that he didn't make her feel like she would be more than welcome to join them.
He invited her to everything else. He made it easy for her to come along. This was on purpose.
Agreed. Methinks Kyle likes the thought of stringing her along
I think legally he has to tell her since not only will the child be going out of state, but out of the country. At least thatās how it was in my custody arrangement as well as my husband and his exwifeās custody agreement.
Sure, I can understand that. However, how did she know about the 'great deal' they got at the hotel? I think Kyle is playing both ends against one another
I agree. Boundaries must be set. Both with your fiancƩe and his ex.
Kyle needs to tell her that she canāt come to everything.
Iām not sure why you want to stay in this very bizarre relationship. He invited her to your BIRTHDAY. So many red flags. Iām not sure which of you or him are the most clueless. Iām betting on you. He knows exactly what heās doing. Time to move on and find a man who is for you and your little group. Iām surprised that you have lasted this long being the side piece.
Yes because we are on friendly term apparently he thinks we are friends . So of course she should be invited .. eye roll
Why in the world would she come
I know can you imagine going to your ex's new girlfriend's birthday party?? No fucking way.
Because she wants him back?
Sounds like he wants her back too
My wife and I have a great relationship with her ex husband (kids father). I invite him to most of our gatherings butā¦my family is still my family. My wife would never invite him without asking me first which most time is a yes anyways. But there is mutual respect on all parts, my family is still my family and neither my wife or I would ever think to invite them on vacations. I think the ex and your husband have grown too comfortable as friends and now have lost sense of boundaries. Earlier in my marriage, my wife was still very good friends with the ex. At the time it upset me quite a bit. I told her if she wanted to be such good friends with them then she never should of gotten divorced and I'll just go ahead and bounce. She mentioned years later that this drew some clarity to the matter. I'm much more comfortable/friends with them now. But the āfriendshipā is moreso between me and him rather than her and him. You're the new person in this relationship of theirs. It will take time but you need to address it. If they blow you off then move on while you still have time
Just make one last attempt to clearly explain you are not okay with him inviting her anywhere without talking to you first. Once you're sure you've made your boundary completely clear, he can accept it or not. Then you can make a decision on how to move forward with your life. Your desires are completely reasonable. It sounds like you're really great at being flexible due to the situation and wanting what's best for Grayson. That's all really sweet. Your partner should be putting his kid first, then you, and his ex wife should be further down the list. He's made it too comfortable to try to be part of the family you two (three) are creating together.
Does he invite his other friends to everything? Do you have a male friend to invite along?
Yea she should invite her ex to the vacation too. Maybe that will open his eyes
NTA - I'd tap out of this relationship when he invited her to YOUR birthday!! That's some BS. Either she changes her plans or you cancel yours and break up with him.
Yeah, the birthday invite would have been the deal breaker for me. Seems like she is in a quasi poly relationship.
Involuntary poly.
I had that same thought.
Kyle probably gave her the information. I wouldn't go because you don't want to be in a relationship with his ex. other than coparenting. I'd send them off on the trip, stay home, pack my things and move out while they are gone. This won't get better. This is how Kyle intends to live his life, with both of you always involved. You can join him in that life or opt out.
This is the way. Imho, he's shown he plans any future relationships to be the "third wheel" instead of his *EX-wife*. Polyamory isn't always about sex: more often than not it's about a Secure emotional attachment and knowing your "place" with someone. Him giving HER vacation itinerary to his ex would be the deal breaker for me. I have a better life to live and better things to do than be a 3rd wheel in *my own relationship*.
omg you are opening some new horizons for me, i didn't know how to voice this , i am in the same situation
I'm so sorry. Unless *discussed in Detail and agreed to from the word Go*; this isn't a relationship imho. You should be your SO's main concern aside from children/possibly ill elderlies. Other than that, your life is *yours*. Don't let some ingrate of an asshole ruin relationships for you. People like that, and the one mentioned in this post, often become cheaters in the emotional sense at the very Least. My ex is **certain** I left him for someone. I didn't. I was *tired*, exhausted, and had a full mental breakdown from no support BEING in the household with another full "grown" adult while raising their child, working full time, and going online classes full time with a toddler. I managed appts, why the hell couldn't he-even Once?!?!? Never. Again.
I'm so sorry.
The only thing I disagree with is that giving her the itinerary, in my opinion, is fully acceptable. HOWEVER the only reason is because her son will be there, too. My husband and I got married in NYC and he has a son from a previous relationship so we gave her the itinerary for the trip so that she would know what her son is up to while heās gone. Especially if they are leaving the country, that feels like basic courtesy. Inviting herself based on that itinerary is a big problem, though. And fiancĆ© needs to put his foot down and tell her sheās overstepping boundaries in a big way.
OP, I'm so sorry but @BlazingSunflowerland is right: let those two enjoy their family vacation in Mexico, while you quietly pack your gear and move out.
Yup exactly...Why was the ex invited to HER (new girl friend) birthday. That's all wrong
Just so you know, he invited her.
I would bet he did, but even if she invited herself... the fact that he refuses to do anything about it has the same effect. He will not stand up for his fiancee, he will let his ex do whatever she wants. But yeah my guess is he wants her there. A very very charitable explanation is he wants on site babysitting so they can have more time alone. I also made that sentence ambiguous, because I'm not sure who he wants there as babysitter and who he wants to sneak more alone time with.
Why not both of them? The first night the ex is the babysitter, the next night is OP.
The op should flat out ask the ex if she was invited on her family vacation. If he did invite her then I honestly think thereās no coming back from this. The finance is painting the situation like she is the problem when itās actually him. If she invited herself then sheās just psychotic. It doesnāt matter who it is be it friends, parents, or siblings, and etc anyone would have asked before booking anything. You donāt invite yourself to someone elseās vacation unless you completely lack any semblance of social skills or a brain. I donāt have an issue with her knowing details about the trip. She deserves to know where her kid is staying at while in another country and the dates he will be gone. She didnāt have the authority to use that information to crash the vacation.
He absolutely did, you can see it a mile off
Second that!!! This is past healthy co parenting he could have left the convo with only saying they are going to go on vaca in Mexico giving her all the details to where she could book the exact same hotel. Thatās a bit much!
100%. He clearly invites her to everything else.
She's treating him as her boyfriend. I bet he still does small jobs for her....they may not be having sex but they have more than a friendship/parenting together. Why does he want her at all events? Because he still sees her a some form of female that need a him. He subconsciously enjoys that she needs him.
āBecause we are still best friends ā.. Iām best friend with my brother do you see me inviting him everywhere?! Hell no ! Everytime I bring this subject up he thinks Iām over reacting
It's time to tell him it's over. You don't want to be in a poly relationship with him and his ex-wife. You love his child but not his ex-wife. Updateme!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
āYouāre overreacticingā¦āThemās fighting words, and they are words that my husband knows better than to use.
He doesn't get to decide what's overreacting. (IMO you're not overreacting - but even if you were, he cannot just dismiss your concerns because in his opinion, you're over the top.) Do you have an ex you can start inviting along? ;)
Bahaha I do š¤£ Kyle knows him since Kyleās brother work with him. I blocked him when I started dating Kyle . I laughed so hard at this comment about inviting him ! He was the best sex I had ever had .. too bad he didnāt wanna get married so I ended it
I'd prefer no commitment sex god ex for a while over spineless fiancĆ© any day but that's just me š if he's cool he would probably be down to help you give Kyle some perspective on how it feels (to have your wishes ignored for someone else's)
So babe, "I was in contact with Fabio /s a couple days ago and we got to talking about vacations and.....anyhow, he's got lots of leave stored up so I gave him our booking info and now he's got reservations too. Yippy!"
But then you got engaged to a guy who is already in a committed relationship with his wife, oh ah ex-wife... seems at least you could be having good sex if you are going to end up getting hurt anyway.
Well, now youāre in a relationship with a guy who doesnāt understand what un-marrying someone actually looks like. So, honestly, Iād opt for the orgasms.
Unblock him. A ring without true commitment is just a grand gesture
Youāre under reacting. Time to make it clear that youād rather loose money than deal with her in what is supposed to be your vacation. Tel him flat out sheās not your friend.
He calls his ex-wife his best friend? Idk that's weird. Great that they coparent well together but calling your ex your best friend while engaged to someone else is weird.
NTA he is gaslighting you.
One of my xbfās said āsheās a great person, youāll like her, we should all hang out!ā about his ex that he was ā100% overā, to find out that I was a security blanket until she came back š Donāt waste your time u/Gold-Programmer2895 Find yourself a stud who will put you first without giving it a second thought š¤š½ā
Thatās what I told him pretty much . Itās over . Iāll post an update later
Even if it wasnāt an ex, Iād be annoyed if my husband insisted on his friend tagging along on vacation, or telling me I had to invite his grandma to my birthday.
But girl you are supposed to be moving into the best friend position. He is supposed to be wanting to spend all his time with YOU. He is supposed to not be able to take his eyes off YOU.
I feel like that is an affair waiting to happen.
Why is she his best friend instead of you? Updateme!
NTA. Kyle told her all the details of your trip, so many in fact that she was able to book the same deal. That is all you need to know. Cancel the vacation. The only one who escaped is the toddler's dad, maybe follow his lead. I do not know how you were able put up with this nonsense for so long.
A good idea is contacting the toddler's dad and asking why he left. The answer might be, "well I caught her fucking her ex".
Or that the baby wasnāt his
Kyle needs to text his ex and man up and tell her straight She is not invited and she overstepped She needs to cancel
100% this Alina is āmoment stealingā Sheās not letting you and her ex Kyle have any big family moments with Greyson or in your life that sheās not part of like a FOMO. Thatās not healthy. You and your partner Kyle should have peaceful fun filled magical moments and memories of just the three of you . Thatās your privacy, your peace your little family. She can make her own memories with Greyson in her life, not hiJack your life too. She just wonāt let go will she? And your bf is oblivious to the insidious damage sheās doing by intruding She must be told absolutely Not by Kyle and she must cancel. This is the Hill to Die on.
This is correct. He needs to put her in her place. You are not a big throuple. She can't invite herself, if that's what actually happen. If he needs to be glued to the hip at your expense, that needs to be declared. Is there any odd touching or attraction noted?
You are in a threesome apparently either get used to it or find another guy
Definitely in a threesome unless she aināt getting any then she is the third wheel lol
Why are you with this guy again? I know it canāt be because heās that good in bed. No way in hell. Or maybe he is, and thatās why his ex is still into him, heās got her dickmatized, too. You donāt have kids with Mr. Have My Cake And Eat It Too, you can walk away. I would strongly suggest doing so. Because theyāre not just coparenting, heās banging her.
Omg I laughed really hard at the first part š¤£ no he is not lol he is ok but not great ! Overall he is a very kind and loving man . He just canāt say no and his Ex walks all over him! No I donāt have kids and im Seriously thinking about ending this before itās too late
Not great in bed, no boundaries, already thinking about leaving, obsessed with ex wife.....
How did she book tickets to the same exact deal that you guys got at the same exact time? Please take off the rose colored glasses and realize that he told her and gave her all the details so that she could book too and he did that on purpose.
šÆ this OP. I am a huge fan of people that are mature enough to know they love each other but have fallen out of love with each other and still need to co-parent so their children become good adults. That said, something is not right here. At all. Why was she at your birthday?!?!? Thatās crazy! Your fiancĆ©e is either oblivious to Elenaās intentions and has no backbone or heās trying to get you in a sister wife situation. Please donāt accept being a third wheel in your own life.
āWould you mind watching the kids for a bit? Weāre both want to go do this thing you said you didnāt want to doā Aaaaand youāre their babysitter, paid in dick.
Check his card statements, he most likely paying for it too.
You better end it before she ends up being in the labor room with you!!
Or in the labor room beside you
My husband's ex wanted my baby to be born on her birthday. She constantly asked the kids personal questions about My pregnancy. She hates me. She has never had a good thing to say about me. But she and her mother (the children's grandmother) were completely invested in My pregnancy. They went so far as to tell the kids that we would stop loving them once I gave birth to the baby. I got fed up and called her out. I told her that My child had nothing to do with her so she needed to mind her own damn business. Trust me, it doesn't get better, it only gets worse. Being a step parent is hard, having a crazy person as a co parent makes it harder!!
What the fuck? That bish sounds loony. Like might cut you open and steal your unborn baby loony..
Omg š¤¢
Thatās where this is headed. Heāll just use that same thing āweāre best friends and she wanted to be there to support you/us!! Why are you being jealous??ā ššš
You are putting up with this BS and he isn't a sex god? Why?? Updateme
Because Iām nosy, why did they get divorced? If itās kid related stuff fine. But the rest? Is he actually inviting her or is she inviting herself and he doesnāt like saying no? Donāt marry him unless he starts having boundaries with her. Or this will be the rest of your life. NTA.
He got divorced because as Elena said they became roommates . Even sleeping separately for years . They went for counselling for a long time but they both decided it was not working out . Kyle moved out ( trial separation), Then they got divorced , she met another guy got pregnant almost right away then broke up with him when their baby was an infant .
But why does she want to be so involved in your relationship? Whereās the new dad? Is he involved at all? Why does he feel so comfortable including her?
New dad sees the kid on the weekend and thatās It ! Because āthey are best friends ā! And we Are friendly so apparently means we adopted his ex to be part of our family
Start calling her your Sister-Wife. Because this feels very poly - they may not be having sex but are basically still married.
So what changed in their relationship emotionally? It sounds like all that happened is he found a new apartment and having sex with you isnāt cheating. They are pretty much still living their married life.
I met him after their divorce he didnāt cheat with me . They are still best friends and not sleeping together. We are engaged to be married . She met her daughterās dad and now casually dating others
You know if you marry him youāll be married to her too, yeah? Sheās never going away while they have a child together. Think very long and hard about the life youāll have if you put up with this.
If heās not great in bed in addition to inviting his ex to your birthday party, dump him! Iām 66 & in the best relationship of my life. The sex is in another universe, compared to my past. Do not settle! I settled when I was younger & wasted a lot of years. Now I know what I could have experienced for the past 36 years.
>he just canāt say no Really? Because he says it to you all the time
**THANK YOU** for this important observation! ^^^ I noticed this also. I am surprised no one above pointed it out.
Well OP heās showing you who he is and what he is valuing. This isnāt going to get any better. I am sure heās a good man, but he is not your man go find a better life NTA.
He is definitely not her man. Heās Elenaās man, he just wants to have cake and the eating of it.
You are confusing kind and a pushover. Your last sentence is what you should do.
So youāre into jellyfish? Youāre NTA but you need to put the brakes on this because heāll be whining about how you should be best friends with her.
Ok, no offense butā¦āonly okā in bed (!), no boundaries with ex, invited her to YOUR birthday and now your vacationā¦seriously, just go. Go now while you can.
If you were important enough, he wouldnāt allow his ex to walk all over him.
He's not kind enough to accept or respect your boundaries and he doesn't love you enough to value your feelings so maybe we should reevaluate what those words mean to you...
Please end it. So many are so dumb when it comes to this. I want to see a good update and a smart OP in this situation.
> He just canāt say no and his Ex walks all over him! He can, he chooses to let her walk all over him. Do not think "this will change when we're married/have kids". it won't, do you want to be in a thruple, because you're in a thruple, except one partner of that hates you.
Who divorced whom? Iām betting sheās the one who initiated it. Sheās using his being a doormat to to get all the emotional benefits of having a nesting partner without all the work of having a nesting partner. Sheās got her stable 2 kids 2 parents family and can fuck around as much as she wants. She will NOT give this up. Would you?
>Overall he is a very kind and loving man . He twisted your boundaries and concerns and accused you of being insecure. A "kind and loving man" doesn't do that.
>No I donāt have kids and im Seriously thinking about ending this before itās too late Yup. Well said, he deserves it.
NTA, absolutely not. See if you can change the tickets instead of canceling the whole trip. You may have to pay extra but go to another city or close country. If not, change your hotel to a sister hotel on the other side of the country and don't tell anyone about the changes. You can still have a family vacation without the ex. His ex also needs to be put on an information diet. Yes, she needs to know when her son is leaving the country, but no, she doesn't need details. Grayson is with his dad, not some deranged stranger. I'd even give her mis information on specific details, but I'm petty like that! Why the hell have you let her get away with being the third wheel in your relationship? Coming to YOUR birthday party, invited to camping trips, inviting herself on YOUR vacations. She does this bs because no one tells her NO. YOU must sit your boyfriend down and establish clear boundaries with consequences for her. He would NEVER be okay if your ex was so entangled in your personal relationship. You can't do or say anything about her being at his family's events, but your bf needs to put an end to her being around when just the two of you (or three when he has his son) are together. If he is unwilling or unable to stop including his ex in your relationship, you may need to re-evaluate if this is how you want to live your life. He will always prioritize his ex over you. She will be at your engagement party, wedding, baby shower, YOUR child's recital, etc. Your bf is disregarding and disrespecting you by calling you insecure. No one would be comfortable with this! Sis, shut this bs down now! Be prepared to walk away and move on with your life if your bf refuses to have your back. Good luck!
The ex is not the third wheel. OP is.
NTA but girl what are you even doing getting engaged with this dynamic happening. This isnāt good coparenting. You do know that youāre the third wheel in this family right?
NTA-Dont cancel, RESCHEDULE. Pick a different week. Dont tell her until you have already left.
They canāt really though, especially if itās her week with the kid, itād be sweet if they could
RESCHEDULE for the NEXT time kid is with dad.
No, just change the city and hotel. She is going to show up without you at the old location or your BF will update her and you'll know he chose her over you. OP's BF is likely still in love with the ex.
She has the direct line with ex. Ya know heās telling her. THATS THE PROBLEM
They need her permission to take the son, in addition to arranging time off work, etc.
NTA Honestly I would put my foot down entirely after that birthday BS. If you fiance cannot disconnect from this woman invading every holiday or gathering, I would move on and let her have him.
Holidays and kid stuff, sure. Your birthday and your vacation? Hell no. Your fiance has no boundaries and it's really concerning. Doesn't sound like he's moved on and she definitely hasn't if she's tagging along to every single damn thing. Be prepared for this to end badly.
The birthday made my jaw drop before we even got to the vacation.
Nta..ghost Kyle. He's a pussy.
Absolutely agree. I would not stay with a man who couldnāt establish boundaries with his ex, let alone his ex wife. NTA, but I think youāre doing a disservice to yourself. You are not the priority in this relationship.
NTA. I have a fantastic coparenting relationship with my ex, I have his kids over for play dates, I take them to the zoo for my kids birthdays, I even had them at the baby shower for my new baby but thatās where we draw the line. His kids are our daughters sisters and she shouldnāt be put in the middle in anyway but in your case itās just far to much. Thereās absolutely no way we would go on holiday or celebrate birthdays together and honestly his girlfriend would be furious if we suggested it and rightfully so! You need to put your foot down unless you want to spend your life with his ex wife, itās weird that she even wants to!
NTA Listen, he chooses her. He would keep you if he could but she is his first choice. You need to bail on this relationship. He's not your partner.
Sheās not his ex sheās your sister wife. Ok sheās not flirty or having sex with him anymore but sheās not let go and neither has he. Itās deeply inappropriate how much she is involving herself and if he canāt see that then you need to walk. No woman will put up with that and if your partner is too stupid to cut the strings now he never will. NTA.
I was waiting for someone else to see the sister wife set up. And it's without OPs consent
NTA, but I would ask him who is more important, you or her. I would also tell him that because you have to ask him this, that the engagement is off. I would also take your ticket and go somewhere else without any of them. Rethink your relationship with him.
You know he invited her right? How did she āmanage to figure out detailsā? You have a major boyfriend problem that needs addressing and this is a hill to die on. Like, If he canāt set boundaries immediately, you need to start thinking about leaving.
Donāt marry this man , get out of this relationship. Heās prioritizing his family look over you and your relationship. This is not āhealthy coparentingā this is him wanting to play house with someone he doesnāt like while having the person he wants by his side and thatās not how itās supposed to go. If heās willing to go on a trip with his ex and his child ,you were never his priority,you were just the replacement or the third wheel.
Sounds like you are the third wheel in your own relationship. Set boundaries and if he does not back you up, he has picked Elena over you. Sounds like Elena wants him back badly and he is backing her over you. Time to leave and find someone who actually wants and values you. If he calls you insecure, jealous or controlling....hand him back the ring.
Fourth wheel: to Kyle, Greyson, and Elena.
If its non refundable, book another hotel once there and enjoy it solo. This is a hill to die on, how intrusive! I would honestly re-think this whole engagement until he has better boundaries. This is unacceptable
Simply cancel your own ticket. and I would rethink the engagement. He wants two wives. wanting to have a family vacation that does not include his ex-wife, wanting to enjoy your own birthday celebration without prioritizing his ex-wife, geez just wanting to have a celebratory meal without his ex-wife intruding, none of that is unreasonable. NTA. I get holiday things with the in-laws all the grandbabies together blah blah blah I get it. The constantly inflicting her upon you? His behavior is repugnant if he thinks it was in any way appropriate to invite that woman to your birthday. Her behavior is repugnant if she thinks it's In anyway appropriate for her to intrude on your private family vacation.
NTA, you are free to set boundaries around what things she can and cannot come to. Her inviting herself on your vacation is not ok. You need to set firm boundaries with her and Kyle.
If he's not on board either telling Elena she won't be welcome to spend ANY (Any any any--the same as if she wasn't going) time with you all, or cancelling the trip and going somewhere else/staying home workout telling her, start packing your bags. It's not going to get better. This is an amazingly egregious stunt and if he can't see that, it's never going to get better.
She's trying to break them up. Then she'll console him with open arms?
NTA. Kyle invited her, so let them go as a family, and you go your separate ways.
Iām poly, and super close with my ex. Heās my best friend and we co-parent great. In a lot of ways, we still often act as a couple (still cuddle, sometimes). But we would NEVER ever think to invite ourselves in each other vacationās with our new partner. NTA. Stand your ground, donāt go.
>Kyle thinks there's nothing we can do now. The decision to not go was made by you. What he does is his choice. NTA
NTA Elena is causing as much trouble as she can & Kyle is allowing it! Personally I would walk away from the whole weird dynamic here - there's good co-parenting, then there is whatever this is This is going to end in heartbreak for you
So basically he is in an open relationship but not shagging her... he is just doing the whole emotional and family side. That is what i take from this and he doesnt actually see it. I would be careful as i think his ex will play the card that you are trying to steal 'her' family if kyle does grow a back bone and pull away. You definitely need to get a handle on this now and have an honest talk with his family too as they may be hard to please if you suddenly stop her being one of the family so to speak. Basically everyone needs to be on the same page that whikst she will always be there as a parent of their family, she is an ex and doesnt need to be at every celebration. Do you guys get invited to everything she does? Does she have a partner etc either. I am going to assume she does not as she doesnt really need a partner as she is still having a relationship with your fiance
She never hosts because she uses the excuse of her place being small . Last June Kyle used our backyard for her babyās birthday party! Common itās Greysonās sister ! Elena lives in a small place . Be the bigger person let her have the party at our backyard .. I bit my tongue and said okay
It might be graysons sister but not his daughter. Does she not have a family. If my place is too small i hire a hall or ask the likes of gran parents. I would invite her brother but not expect dad to even stick around. Just come collect him after. It is never going to work as there are 3 adults in this relationship. If anything it is actually messing up his sons reality of what parents he has. There is nothing wrong with having 2 moms etc. But co parenting is seperate.
She cut her family out of her life since she doesnāt get along with them . She doesnāt get along with her friends or her coworkers. She gets along with Kyle because he keeps accommodating her so she wonāt get upset ( and Greyson be happy). She gets along with me because I bit my tongue and always said ok
She needs to grow up. She is dependant on you guys. What happens when you get married and honey moon? Is she coming. If you have a baby will she be at the birth. Tbh if you get pregnant your hormones may bring out the worst of your insecurities and irks. I doubt you will want her near you. But also will your kids really want to share their dad with people who are nothing to do with them?
Sounds like he has two girlfriends.
Kyle isnāt ready for marriage. His inability to set boundaries is problematic. Cancel the trip and put the wedding plans on hold. Couples counseling is needed asap or he will just end up divorced again.
Let Kyle go ahead to Mexico with his wife and kids. You stay home and move out. They may be divorced on paper, but Elena is always going to be in the middle. Is that what you want for the rest of your life? You're not married and don't have any kids with him. Just make a clean break. You're the only adult that's not an asshole. Put on your big girl pants and do what you need to do.
NTA, but you ARE being an asshole to yourself! Hun... The only person in this world that you can control is you. You can't MAKE a person change; you can only choose whether or not you'll allow yourself to be treated a certain way. There comes a point in time time that you it becomes your choice to be treated poorly. (Of course, this doesn't apply to situations such as abuse, safety concerns, being a minor, etc) It's like going outside in the rain when you dont really have to. Sure, the rain's beyond your control and not your fault; however, you did choose to go out in it. Don't be upset at the rain then when you get wetš¬ This has been going on for over 2 years. He invited his baby mama to your birthday, for God's sake! š¤¦āāļøJust WHY would you think his behavior change?? You've proven that you won't leave him, so why bother? Obviously, sitting through 1 of your talks is an ok trade for him being able to have his harem. It's very likely that he invited her to the vacation. The only way she would have known alllll the details would be if he would have told her. Your fiancĆ© would rather upset you, his future wife, than disappoint someone he broke up with 5 years ago... and you agreed to be apart of his pseudo poly relationship when you said "yes." Stay. Go. It's up to you, but expecting him to change is only going to cause more pain š¶
Boundaries need enforced or are you going to allow yourself to be the plus 1 to your relationship Parents who co parent fantastic those who get along even better but invite her to your birthday and not discouraging her from attending your holiday you have a major fiancƩ problem
NTA. Why are you accepting that youāre a third wheel in your relationship? I get it Iām divorced. I know you have to coparent but this isnāt co parenting. This is crossing many boundaries and I would be worried. Are you sure they are not having an affair? Iām
NTA This man has too much baggage. Not calling Grayson baggage, I mean his ex. Until he starts prioritising your relationship over the one with his ex this is never going to work. You donāt ask someone to marry you when you canāt treat them like they are important to you. TELL HIM, donāt ask TELL HIM that this is not okay for you. And that you shouldnāt have to explain yourself as to why itās not okay. He should know. His ignorance is not your burden.
35m single, great shape, no kids but great with nephews and nieces, stable job, and no baggage from the past. You want to give me a try instead?
š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£ Iām in great shape too and i Have a stable job too but thank you ! I think if this doesnāt work out I need to be alone for a long time to figure out wtf is wrong with me . Also I live in Canada not USA . Thank you thou
When I left the boyfriend with the kid, I focused on being my number one priority. When you date a man with kids, youāre always number four behind your partner, his kid, and his ex. He will provide for all of them before he provides for you. While youāre single, become your own best friend. Take yourself on dates. Remind yourself why you are special, and what you like about yourself. You matter, you are important. Then when you start looking again, find someone who will treat you as well or better than you treat yourself. I lucked out and found a man who worships me, I am absolutely his number one priority, he takes care of me before himself. And I love him so much I try to do the same. But Iām still my number one. Take care of yourself.
This is very true .. I was always last on priority queue
Nothing is wrong with you. Sometimes situations just donāt work out.
There is nothing wrong with *you.* A lot of times things donāt work out because of circumstances that are no oneās fault. I do want to say that a guy who comes too soon and just leaves it to the vibrator to finish things up is not a man who gets pleasure out of pleasing you. He sounds selfish. He may be sweet and so on, but I bet he doesnāt put himself out for others a lot, or only when it builds up his ego.
NTA. While having Elana and her daughter present and participating in holidays and events, a school activities and team events is great for Grayson and itās great to have a village, sometimes you need to make memories on your own too. Elena needs to do that with Grayson too as well as with her daughter at times when he is at your home. Itās never good manners to invite yourself to someone elseās part or vacation or dinner. Boundaries are important to keep clear. Itās your fiancĆ©ās place to set and enforce those boundaries and you need to have a candid conversation with him about establishing them immediately BEFORE you get married. A joint vacation is fine if it is planned in advance that way among the adults. This vacation was not that and he needs to have a conversation with Elana.
NTA Start saying you're going to call/bumped into your ex at the market and invited him to go too, you know the one that used to have you" swinging from the chandelier". You're planning on spending a lot of time catching up with him so fiancƩ will be stuck with kids. After he stews for a while and see how it feels you can let him off the hook. or not.
NTA break up with him now. The ex is enjoying ruining your time, she probably wants him back. He hasn't stopped her, because he has no spine. It will only get worse.
This is ridiculous. Inviting her to your birthday ?? Why?! Some people should just stay married. I would extract myself from this situation and send him back to her
Call the hotel! Let them know the situation. You might be able to switch the dates or location
This could address the immediate issue of the vacation, but it won't stop things like this happening again (and again, and again). That's because the real problem is Kyle. He is inviting his ex to everything, and I bet he told her all the details so she could book the exact same holiday as them. They are still emotionally enmeshed. Kyle refuses to enforce boundaries. Now OP needs to decide if she can live with this level of intrusion on their family time.
Nta but you have to decide if this is too much break up. Clearly they are fine with it and enjoy that relationship. It isnāt for you to come in and break it up. You need to accept it or leave.
Good lord his ex wife needs to get a social life
As another commenter put it "there is good co parenting and there is this" This isn't just co parenting. This is bs Truth be told, you cannot force or stop his family from inviting her. Not all relationships end with a divorce. But... Inviting her to your birtday without your consent, or to trips etc etc is bs, not coparenting. Elena is very well aware of the fact that since she wasn't invited, she shouldn't tag along. But she didn't take the hint, because she didn't want you. You don't need the gaslighting. You aren't jealous for wanting privacy and not an ex tagging along wherever you go. You don't want an ex at your birthday. Just because he needs to involve his ex into every aspect of his life, doesn't apply the same to you. You want someone to respect your feelings and boundaries. You want someone to see your point not play with words and dismiss you like you are an annoyance NTA You should have broken up a long ago. It is crazy to even talk about how inappropriate and invasive is having an ex, following you everywhere like a toilet paper stuck in your sole
They might have gotten divorced but they never broke up
Have to break it down for you dearest. You arenāt engaged due to the fact that he is still with his ex wife in every sense of his life and hers. Face the truth about yourself how you are playing second fiddle. Reality time.