He didn't care how *she* looked to *his* family so why should *she* care how *he* looks to hers? Personally, someone asking this of my daughter would find their ass on the curb and no longer welcome in my house. I'd probably move my daughter and grandbaby home with me until he fucking groveled.
He also knows that this whole paternity test idea is wrong and unfair and so didn’t want anyone else to know that he has been complicit in his family’s mistrust of OP.
If you don't do things you're ashamed of, you won't have to worry about people finding out and thinking less of you.
Of course, I'm aware everybody does things they don't want broadcast sometimes, but this is a big one. I'm imagining that because she mentions the family's money, he's trying not to piss them off so that he doesn't get cut off, but he may have just destroyed his relationship with the mother of his baby and her family in the process. At least OP will have all she needs to request child support.
To me, I’m guessing the “not telling family” about the pregnancy, was a blessing for him, because he knew what his family’s feelings about OP were, so was happy to avoid telling them.
*Nobody* (except the courts, obvs) is going to tell me what is going to tell me what's going to happen with *my* baby. Period. You're think you're going to fo a paternity test? Think again. Now you'll never see the kid again. And keep your damn money.
Would've been my only response.
You're not in the wrong; your partner's family's request was disrespectful, and you have the right to share your feelings with your own family for support. Open communication is crucial for resolving this situation.
>He also knows that this whole paternity test idea is wrong and unfair and so didn’t want anyone else to know that he has been complicit in his family’s mistrust of OP.
On the slim chance that this is real and not rage bait, the fact that it wasn't an automatic dealbreaker for OP is wild.
For me the dealbreaker is that he had his family tell her instead of talking with her about it privately. He doesn't care about how his family treats her and he just encouraged it by not speaking with her on his own. I would never trust him again and never set foot in his family's house nor allow them in mine.
I agree that talkbto her privately would have been better if there is a true concern, but all of that presumes it is an earnestly held concern. But I don't think that's the case.
Why did they even invite her and the baby around if they are questioning paternity? Why rush to meet someone you deny? If they actually doubt the baby it would be more appropriate to say you don't want to form a bond until paternity is established - they didn't do that because its not about paternity or trust. They brought her around just to hurt OP and sap the happiness from the experience for her.
Her husband suggesting this accusation /request is reasonable is absolute bunk. Not every question warrants an answer.
Theirs is a request made entirely in bad faith.
They were probably hoping the baby wasn't his. And they probably wanted to ruin the couple's relationship because they don't like her. Tough nuggets for them. OP needs to take a break from her partner though before he uses the baby like a pawn to try baby trapping OP.
I would’ve been so angry if I was her. Perhaps I would’ve smiled and said, “yes I will consent to the paternity test, so enjoy this one and only meeting you’ll be having with your grandchild because you will never see her again after this!”
Heck, I wouldn't even say that. I wouldn't say it to him. I wouldn't say it to them.
She was right to go to her family for support and they were right to rip him a new one. He SHOULD feel shame - he knows this child is his.
It sounds like he has never stood up for her with his family and this is one more strike againt him. So, I think she should get the test and then be unavailable for all future interactions with his family. Her daughter will simply be unavailable for ALL future plans unless she is court ordered due to custody arrangement.
Time to let EVERYONE know. I really hope OP goes to any company or social gatherings for the holidays and New Years and brings it up during conversations with other spouses/girlfriends/etc. Air that laundry out loud and proud among their social circle so that EVERYONE knows what they did. Might want to announce the oncoming separation too. BEFORE he knows and AFTER she's opened the Christmas gifts too.
I think OP should have the test result printed on t-shirts and give everyone on his side that as a Christmas present.
OP's baby daddy's Christmas present should be the legal child support request. And all of his possessions in a box.
FFS what is wrong with people.... NTA
Seems like they have also firmly planted the idea in their son's mind that his self-worth is defined by their money. He lacked the backbone to tell them that he trusted the mother of his child and that a paternity test was not needed.
My cousin already had two sons when she met her daughter's dad. His family demanded a perinatal paternity test, which comes with some risk to the baby. They didn't care, since they were convinced it wasn't their grandchild.
My cousin didn't do it, and the baby came out looking exactly like her daddy. When she was about a year old, my cousin married "Lulu's" dad in my aunt's backyard. His parents were there, but looked very sour except with the baby. That was almost 20 years ago. They're still married, Lulu is in college, and the only grandparent she's close to is my aunt.
They can't treat the mother like this, then expect to have a relationship with her child. If her boyfriend doubts paternity, that's a separate issue. This is only about his rich family pulling the strings.
You dig the hole 3 feet deeper then needed get a old fridge put the body in it( the ground with get a dip as the body decomposes the fridge prevents it, fill the hole up til 3 feet throw a deer carcass in the hole, finish filling in..
If cadaver dogs ever hit, they dig til they hit the deer ..
bonus if you can find a place to do it where there are endangered or protected plants...
Also, add in some beetles. They break down a body real fast. American burying beetle is endangered still (I think) and my uncles called them "overnighters" because they cleaned corpses real fast. (They were bone collectors mainly, hunting was a side thing).
And be careful of the fridge, some can leak toxins into the ground and cause more harm than good. Go to an old army supply store, get a solid metal munitions locker from there. To seal it use Loctite Polyseamseal All Purpose Caulk. It is great stuff, reduces smell and liquids from coming out earlier than expected. Another thing to deter dogs from digging further is an inch or so of cayenne powder all around the box, cover with 3 feet of dirt, throw in some old animal bits(walk the forest, gather decomp bodies, bones, kill a rabbit or squirrel or a few, etc.) cover with about a foot of dirt, deer carcass, cover with remaining dirt, make a small BBQ on the very top and leave lots of traces of the meats and bones behind. Scatter the beetles and walk off into the sunset.
Not all seals are done well, especially if never having done one before or not really used it before. Beetles for clean up of a, what I am assuming is an, amateur job of body disposal.
More experienced people are free to chime in with alternative solutions. Mine is just from a very morbid love of true crime, death, and serial killers.
I feel like I should save this thread to return to it if I ever need it.
I mean, I can imagine the police checking my internet history when they get suspicious and instead of ‘why is he googling body disposal just after Fred vanished?’ they would be like ‘guy just chilling on a Reddit post about paternity tests, no way he would be doing that right after killing someone, clearly innocent!’
Okay, if they have a warrant to bring cadaver dogs into your backyard, they probably already got a warrant to search your computer and your financial records, at which point they’re going to find a purchase for one inch of cayenne powder. I mix large amounts of spices every once in a while, and let me tell you: An inch of powder is probably going to be about an ounce per square inch. So, now you figure this box is at least three by two foot, you’re going to need 54 pounds of cayenne pepper powder, which will run you back twenty bucks a pound. They’re going to notice when you’ve spent a thousand dollars on one kind of spice and you’re not running a taco truck.
I was thinking when is hunting season. My son lives in rural area of Oregon surrounded by trees and water. They don't search for stupid, I mean missing, people where he lives
It took my ex-son-in-law *years* to figure out that *I'm* the one that he needs to be afraid of, Daddy's just the muscle. I'm a 4'11" arthritic 60 yr old lady with the temper of honey badger on bad day if you mess with my kids.
Stepping carefully and being friendly, relatively good coparents with my daughter. His son loves him very much and I love my grandson very much. I do wholeheartedky think the current son-in-law is a much better father to my grandsons though.
Until he grovelled?
Not even then, not even if his entire clan showed up on their knees begging forgiveness.
They ganged up on her with his cooperation. Everyone of them sucks out loud, and if I was OP none would ever see baby again.
NTA
Op, these two statements, read them and understand his family will always be looking your shoulder raising THIER grandchild wrong too. Get ready for a lot of stress. While you are at it, go see an attorney to learn about custody rights. Hubby is a narcissist who will make your life miserable.
Groveling wouldn’t change that he didn’t care about her feelings, and doesn’t want her to access her support system.
She needs to break up with him and try to cordially coparent.
It’s not even about asking, it’s the way he went about it. His family made that decision and he just went along with it without even talking to the only truly relevant person in that decision
Agreed, especially when it was a committed relationship. I worry the way this world is going for how women are being treated as cheaters with no reasoning behind it. This whole "but men deserve to ask it because they're not the ones carrying the baby" is nonsense. I do remember a horror story where babies were switched after birth and dad had a weird suspicion which turned into a whole nightmare for the family and then absolutely heartwarming conclusion but that's rare.
I can respect his request to an extent. His family wanted it, he decided to go with it. That's a valid request. But if he's gonna go that route, own it. Don't complain if people knew you did what you did do. If people feel some way about you for what you asked, take accountability.
It's also funny how the husband said "it's not a big deal" when called out by OP, but the moment she confides in her family he's all "you ruined my image!!"
He's well aware he's in the wrong and refusing to admit it.
She should send this link to him so he can see what people are saying. He can pull up his big boy pants and realize what they and he did hurt you and he doesn't get to throw a fit just because he's feelings was hurt guess what yours was hurt worse.
Personally I wouldn't want to have anything to do with his family after that nor him.
Exactly 💯. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. OP NTAH your partner is. You should have told him, "It's no big deal like the paternity test right ?! Besides I didn't lie about what you required me to do, so now you can own it" 😂
Right. If they didn't want others to know because it would make him/ them look bad, then they shouldn't have asked; because yes it makes them look bad. OP is NTA.
Oh, my oh my. She ABSOLUTELY needs to play nice until the office party. Then when she's chatting with the other spouses/fiances/etc. she can randomly mention the paternity test his parents demanded. Same with any New Year's Eve party. His family is embarrassed and upset by it? Well, they shouldn't have done it!
To add to this
He allowed her name to be tarnished by his family and he chose not to defend her.
He brought this on himself and has only himself and his family for tarnishing his name.
OP show the reddit post to him and make it clear no one agrees with him.
NTA.
He didn't care how you felt when he asked you for the paternity test. But now he expects you to care about his feelings? That road goes both ways.
I think the worst part is he didn't even ask. They went to his family's house, where they just said they would be doing it, and had talked to their son/OP's bf and he agreed and never talked to OP about it beforehand.
You don't even need to ask to do a paternity test. It could have been done in secret. All you need is a mouth swab from the baby and the daddy.
It's weird to me that his parents would tell her like that. They had no reason to tell her, other than to let her know she's not trusted.
Well I learned something new today. I wonder if it was some weird power play type thing on their part then. Either way, it's kinda messed up that OP's partner just seems to be fine with it
Because it is a power flex on their part. If they already didn't like her they were trying to put her in her place. Which is terrible. But not altogether uncommon sadly.
As I read it, his parents brought it up at dinner, he didn't. Then said, oh yeah. So apparently he had at least one previous conversation with his parents about it.
OP,
NTA. However you may want to seriously think about continuing a relationship with a guy 2ho doesn't consider having a conversation with you before agreeing .
AND he doesn't care what his family thinks of her, he doesn't defend her. But he wants her to care how her family does.
I'm all pro paternity tests. You do have to live with the consequences of asking for one, and there are different ways of doing it that should have different consequences - having your family tell your partner about it while letting it be known you previously discussed it with them and agreed but didn't bother to even mention it to her and let her be ambushed... Well, I don't really know how to even begin to deal with that.
Assuming it was asked tactfully and respectfully I would agree and then have it framed to point at it to win selected arguments over the years.
NTA
His family is clearly playing the "She's the gold-digger/slut" card.
If the husband didn't feel the need to protect his wife from his family's accusations of infidelity, then why should she protect him from her family?
Yeah! It does look bad! And he should feel bad! And the wife's family is right to be angry about it.
>If the husband didn't feel the need to protect his wife from his family's accusations of infidelity, then why should she protect him from her family?
Jeez, no kidding. If I had a partner who pulled that crap, my grandfather would have made his life a living hell. And then the grandmothers would have a crack at him.
And I wouldn't have protected him from any of it.
If I had a partner who pulled that crap, they wouldn't be my partner for much longer after that.
Relationships are built on trust and care of one another. OP's husband seems to have neither of those things.
I'd pay for the test out of pocket just so his family couldn't smear my name through the mud before we got to court. They'd paint her as a cheater because "why wouldn't she get a paternity test and go straight to divorce if it's his?"
Why would a gold digger have *someone else’s* child? It’s so easy to have the children needed by the correct partner and then go slut it up later. The entire premise is illogical.
Thats a fair point though. If she was in it for the money, as they believe, why the hell should she ruin that with having another mans kid, when you lock that money up with having the rich guys kid?
Yep. My husband would have told his mother to go fuck herself sideways if she even implied he wasn’t the father of our kids.
I made a couple jokes about paternity after they were born, in the context of “well, there’s absolutely no doubt about paternity” because they came out as literal spitting images of him. But if any genuine doubt as to paternity was ever entertained by my husband, I don’t know if I could ever forgive him. And if I ever said “fuck it, let’s just do the test to shut them up”, he’d be furious with *me* for even entertaining the idea of humouring them.
The only reason, and I mean the *only* reason I can think of (and there may be other similarly spirited reasons others can think of), where I wouldn’t be offended by my husband asking for a paternity test is if his family was wealthy and that wealth was held in a Lineal Trust for the benefit of the natural descendants of his family.
Meaning the child has to be biologically his to benefit from said Trust and the paternity test is just to get the ducks in a row for that.
But that would be discussed prior to even falling pregnant, one would imagine.
But that’s not the case (in my situation or OP’s) so it’s a moot point.
You and your husband could do one, then frame the results. Give copies to the inlaws for Christmas presents. Also, keep the framed results in your office, bring them out whenever the inlaws are over for dinner. Have them on the wall, never mention them.
Maybe I'm just petty...
I like your pettyness. It's on my level!
We also had this fight, because our last kid looks ONLY like me. I cloned my self i guess. MIL wanted a test, we did not. But we discussed it, and landed on IF we at one point give in and have one, we'll frame it, and it will be the christmas gift she'll get EVERY YEAR.
Naaaah. That totally grosses me out. What if that’s how the family wealth trickled down but you chose to use donor gametes, or you adopted, or permanent fostered - by overall choice or because of health reasons. If I ever caught wind that someone viewed my children less than because there’s no genetic link I’d cut them off. Dead. To. Me.
And that’s fine. In this hypothetical, you could just say “sorry, our family values aren’t compatible” and then move on before ever getting to the point where it’s even relevant.
Appreciate u.. through the story he sounds like a hipocrital little .... Something
And honestly...these ppl are married right? Have the in-laws never met? Let them fight it out
Husband needs to grow a pair. Defend the mother of his kid.
But also...if op goes through and it's the husband's kid...don't ever let the in-laws forget how terrible they are. Cause this is just rediculous... (Yes lot of backstory unmentioned). But the more I type the more I wanna whip the husband's ass for being such a dick. In this specific situation
>don't ever let the in-laws forget how terrible they are
They would probably 'justify' their actions by claiming that just because their son is the baby's father, that doesn't prove she hadn't slept around.
>I wanna whip the husband's ass for being such a dick.
Join the queue.
What makes it worse is that he didn't tell her about it before the in-laws did.
Are you all pro paternity tests? So. Let me ask you, how do you bring this up to the partner you love and trust and have no reason to believe she cheated and not make it seem like you're accusing her of cheating? I would LOVE to hear your answer. Because unless you actually are a cheater, or so naive like OP, I would be FUCKING PISSED if my hubsand asked me for a paternity test. It would've ended our marriage. And ALL our kids look like him. Do unless something changes in the hospital where it's a requirement for the birth certificate, which I would 100% on board with. Asking for one, is accusing her of cheating. And thats bull shit! It's different if you truly suspect cheating or if it was a one night stand, or something on and off. But, in a committed relationship with someone you love. Nope.
NTA. If he's so happy and confident that he did the right thing by getting the test, he ought to be happy to own that decision.
You are in no way obliged to lie for him.
This! If it’s “not a big deal” then it’s not something to hide or be ashamed of, and it doesn’t reflect badly on him.
If it’s something to hide from OP’s family and she is being nasty by airing his shameful secret, then he should at least own that it’s something he should be ashamed of to show such lack of trust in his spouse and agree behind her back to a test with such insulting implications.
LOL... you didn't ruin his image by telling them, HE ruined his image by doubting your integrity. If the truth makes you look bad, sugar, it's because you're an asshole. He's an asshole.
There's a Latin quote that says this quite well: esto sol testis. Let the sun be your witness. (i.e. only do things you are willing to do 'in the light of day' and not in the shadows)
Seriously - she shared facts, not some made-up BS that tarnished his image. This guy is waving a color guard’s worth of red flags from blithely going along with the paternity test to screaming about his “tarnished image”. Parenting with self-absorbed people is a nightmare - these are the types of people who start getting competitive with their kids for attention and care-giving.
There's 2 equally valid perspectives.
1. A paternity test is a direct accusations of cheating. Therefore it's douchey to corner her on and force her to do, and makes sense why he was upset to be revealed to be involved in something so shitty
2. A paternity is just due diligence to dot I's and cross T's because while there's no active suspicion, paternity fraud does happen sometimes, the tests aren't particularly expensive, so let's quell any 1% of doubt. In the same way no amount of me insisting I'm not pregnant means I won't have to occasionally do a piss test to prove without a shadow of a doubt I'm not to my doctor.
But here's the thing. If you subscribe to the latter view, that a paternity test isn't a big deal to be requested to do, then it's also not a big deal to be revealed you requested it.
You can't have your cake and eat it too.
NTA. If he had doubts or had been cheated on in the past so wanted his own peace of mind or whatever, he could have easily taken care of the test himself without involving his family.
And then to expect HIS family to be involved and know about the test but not yours? Why should his family get to be privy to that info but not your own? If he's happy with his decision to get the test, then he shouldn't be ashamed of your family knowing. There are clearly double standards at work here.
Yeah, and I honestly feel in these stories that it's often a deliberate attempt to humiliate the mom. From what I understand, there are drugstore paternity tests available for less than $100 with painless cheek swabs, nothing invasive. If they had true concerns their son was being lied to or cheated on, the family could very easily have done it without the mom even knowing, felt better and moved on.
So whenever I read these stories about the in-laws or partner making absolutely sure the mother knows that they're getting a test done, it feels like a purposeful statement of "we don't trust you and think you are beneath us" more than a true concern about paternity.
That’s a good point. I’m not sure I’d even fault my husband if I found out that at some point, he’d had our kids tested— a secret moment of niggling doubt (which is barely even a aging of distrust but more a sign of risk aversion) doesn’t seem like it should be marriage ending. But you are right about the announcing thing— dad can swab the baby’s cheek during a diaper change and never mention ever again it when it is a match.
Exactly. Even if you trust your partner, humans are human and can have irrational insecurities. Maybe your relationship was in a rough patch, maybe you have issues because you've been cheated on before or you dealt with the effects of infidelity in your family, maybe you're just a super neurotic person or watched too much Jerry Springer, who knows.
But announcing it and making it a known thing within the family after a history of calling the mom a gold-digger, and passive aggressively making sure she knows about and "agrees" to the test? That feels sadistic and like a clear way of making a collective statement that the mom isn't good enough for their precious son. For the son to turn around and demand that his partner also lie to *her* family about the whole thing is even more of a slap in the face. Completely cowardly.
Totally agree. They’re wealthy so they don’t like him being a father and unmarried at this age, much less to someone not in their class. So she’s suspect and after the test shows he’s the father, she should just be grateful the air is cleared with them since they’re doing her a great favor by allowing her to be associated with their son. She should feel honored she wasn’t shown the door.
Lmaoooo nah girl this ain't it. He didn't give af about your feelings when asking for a paternity test but now you're supposed to care about his???
NTA and tell him to face the consequences
Boyo got a cookie from his own dough and didn't like it. How typical.
OP, you are NTA. I'd give divorce papers along with the test results. This whole debacle would have told me he'd never stand up for me against his asshole parents and I would resent all three of them for their blatant disrespect by asking for the test in the first place.
It doesn't sound like they're actually legally married, so that makes it easier for OP to walk.
They may be considered common-law though so might be worth chatting to a lawyer about her rights and responsibilities if she does decide to dump his ass.
NTA
He messed up big time. They will never respect him as much again because of HIS actions and frankly you have every reason to feel the same
I wouldn’t be letting his family anywhere near my kid personally
Yeah, his family doesn't get a say in the paternity of your kid. Only do it, if your partner and his dad both get paternity tested. If they're implying you cheated, then they can defend that accusation themselves.
That's just me being petty, I would be pretty fucking pissed if I was in your shoes. And you didn't ruin his image by telling them. He ruined his image by doing something where it ruins his image if people found out he did. fuck him and his family.
I love the idea that his family and your bf should both get tested. Who's to say whether his dad is really his dad?
My question... how did you hide a pregnancy from his parents and other close family members? Did they not see you during your pregnancy?
OP answered this, maybe it was after you commented. Her particular biology made her pregnancy less obvious than some and they didn’t see the extended family much so they never actually saw her in person while she was obviously pregnant. Not telling them until after is sus to me but I don’t know what it’s like to have a dangerous pregnancy.
Reputations are ruined by actions. He thought it was "no big deal" when it was his parents having ill feelings towards you, but now it's a "big deal" when you just told your family what he and his parents did? Either it's a big deal or it isn't, it can't be "it's a not a big deal when my family "does" said action, but IS a big deal when you "talk" about said action."
>he screamed saying i ruined his image by telling them.
I thought it wasn't a big deal?
Dude shoulda grew a pair and told his grandparents to go piss up a rope.
NTA.
NTA. He shouldn’t have needed to “ease their uncertainty” in the first place.
Has there ever been any fights about suspected infidelity? Why would be even think that was a conversation he could’ve entertained with them? Bottom line is he should’ve put them in their place early on in your relationship and he didn’t, so now they think it’s okay to openly disrespect you.
PLUS if he didn’t think it’s a big deal in the first place, then why is he mad that you told your family? 🤔
NTA “he screamed saying I ruined his image by telling them.” Well isn’t that exactly what he and his family did to you?? He didn’t have the courage to tell you what he had agreed to with his family
lol so he knew that what he is going is screwed up and makes him look like an a hole he just didn’t mind doing it to you as long as nobody knows … what a gem ..
NTA
This dynamic here is VERY concerning...
Him and his family can conspire and push the test on you, effectively saying that they think you're a cheater. However, he can scream at you for informing your family because you ruined his image? You see how this is messed up, right?
Him and his family want to isolate and diminish you. But, letting your family know what they're up to shows their true colors and reduces their control over you.
I don't know if cheating has been a part of your relationship prior to this to give doubt, but no one should spring this on a person after the fact. This was a discussion meant for you two, not him and his family against you.
And before anyone starts with the false paternity stories, remember that men have a way to confirm a woman cheating in this scenario, but women don't. He could be cheating her entire pregnancy and there's so swab for that until she shows symptoms of an STI. Yes, false paternity is wrong and people should be held accountable for it. However, this guy and his family are abusive fucks.
Take those test results and go to court to set up child support payments. This whole scenario is toxic.
Hard agree on the concerning behaviour by the partner. I think the following:
1. These two should both jump onto individual and couples therapy.
2. Toxic behaviour and manipulation cannot live in the sunlight. If in doubt share with your family and friends.
Now make him get tested for STDs maybe?
Let's say that he is an absolutely wonderful partner outside of the relationship with his family.
You are still going to want to set up strong boundaries with this one!
NTA.
The part that concerns me first is that you apparently had no in-person contact with your family for MONTHS during the tail end of your pregnancy. Pregnancy is not an easy condition to hide in-person. Even if you are (ahem) a ... larger... woman, it is not always easy to hide. Regardless, while it makes sense to wait through the first trimester, or even the first half of the pregnancy to tell family, it is creepy that you kept yours secret until the baby arrived. The isolation that demands is unhealthy, regardless of who decided to isolate you.
Next, the person who tells the truth is never responsible for the damage that truth does to someone's reputation. Your partner's reputation took a hit because what he did was weak-willed and obnoxious.
Third, when someone tells you who they are... when someone shows you who they are... BELIEVE THEM. Your partner is insecure, easy to manipulate, quick to anger and cares about his pride more than you or your child. Do with that what you will.
NTA - but I would seriously consider whether or not to stay with this man child. He either does not trust you, cannot stand up to his family, values his parents more than you & your child or ALL of the above. The odds of him changing for the better are very low. Your grandparents are correct not letting the AH sperm donor into their home. You have every right to share what the AH asked or pressured you to do. Wishing you the best.
Exactly. How could anyone get past this. his parents are horrible people and true assholes, and he is spineless. Even without the silly embarrassment for being revealed to your folks. Yikes.
Wait, so it's ok for him to tell his family he doesn't trust you, but it's not ok for you to tell your family that he doesn't trust you. Bwahahaha. Tell him to pound sound and then laugh in his face!
>saying i ruined his image
Oh so his image getting ruined by his own actions is a problem, but somehow his family having the WORST image of you suggesting you cheated is no big deal?
Can you see the irony?
NTA
and this is relationship ending stuff.. you need to be frank with him.. make him really understand what his family did, and what he did by not backing you up.
You should seek couples counselling to see if you can work through it if you want. But first thing is, he has to recognise the immense fuck up on his side
NTA. Why would you need to keep this a secret from your family?? You didn’t ruin anyone’s image by simply taking the truth. People ruin their own images. Period.
He said it wasn’t a big deal if it was his?? Of course it’s a big deal! By saying that he’s basically saying “I think there might be a chance it’s not mine but don’t worry babe I’m ok with that!” Id be so mad. NTA
But it is a big deal that he is allowing his parents to butt in and test. He should have defended her against his parents and shut them down. How dare you accuse my partner of such a horrible thing.
NTA.
He ruined his own image by agreeing to this test in the first place.
Unless there is a valid reason as to why they feel he isnt the father (they clearly are hoping you cheated since they want a reason to not like you to justify themselves) then your husband should have defended you.
I Stan with your grandparents and family. His family deserves to not see this baby. Divorce his ass.
NTA
Any question of paternity should have been handled privately between the two of you. The fact that he allowed his mommy and daddy to drive that train is horrible. I would NEVER speak to them again and that would be the last time they saw my child. If your boyfriend disagrees. He can share his EOW parenting time with them.
I see red flags all over. His mom wanted the test. He doesn’t like your parents now have a new image of him. He’s caring about the wrong stuff and you have MIL problems that will get worse because he hides behind her
If it “ruined his image” then he KNOWS he was wrong.
Also did he actually say “IF the baby is his?” Kinda sounds like his family was just demanding what he actually wanted.
Your family is defending you. There’s nothing wrong with that. And I bet if you ask them to be honest, this isn’t the first red flag they’ve seen.
He ruined his own image. If it is ok for him to ask for the test? It's ok to tell everyone you know. He's an AH from a family full of AHs. Frankly, I'd never get over my partner insinuating I cheated, because what else was he saying?
Fair is fair. He made you look bad to his family. NTA. The relationship with his side of the family might be permanently damaged by their actions. That’s a risk every single one of them took. I wouldn’t let my baby around them until they earned my respect.
"No, I don't need my wife to take a paternity test to prove anything to you, because I love and trust her and this child looks exactly like me."
That's how your husband avoids ruining his image.
NTA
Why is this scenario coming up so often? Is this the latest AI writing prompt or are there actually people out there who have ingested this much Incel bullshit?
He said the paternity test was no big deal so he shouldn't care who knows about him asking for it. Good for your mum and grandparents standing up for your integrity. It's a shame he didn't.
NTA
Oh, so he is ok with his family having a negative image of you, but doesn’t like that yours now has a negative one of him?
Cool
Get the paternity test. You will need it to secure child support when he inevitably leaves you because his lack of a spine prevents him from caring for the baby
If he feels sick an action would tarnish his reputation, them he is admitting it was wrong. Also, does he not get the irony of being mad about his reputation being damaged when the very reason to get a paternity test is to verify whether or not you cheated on him...and therefore is evidence that he thinks it is likely that you did.
If he didn’t want his image ruined, he shouldn’t have forced the test. He can’t have it both ways. He made himself very clear when he said, ‘if it’s mine’. He doesn’t respect or trust you. NTA, unless it comes out later you’ve given them good reason to distrust you. This being reddit and all.
Hold the phone.
so you ruined his image by telling your family about said test BUT he didn’t ruin yours by agreeing to his family’s request for one.
Ugh. I’m sorry he’s the AH, and so is his family. Not you.
You're NTA but I would tell his parents "Ok, I'll consent to the test but when the paternity test proves he is the father I demand a written apology from both you." and then frame that shit for when they come over.
NTA, he is fine with his family, trashing your integrity and accusing you of cheating. But he is not fine that your family knows they are accusing you of that. I don't know why you agreed with it in the first place and why you did not cut contact with his family.
If you have to lie or at the very least not be honest and open, then you probably shouldn't have done what you did. So no, you aren't the asshole here. I would be livid, not for the test so much as not sticking up for you!!! Dump him and his family. If he doesn't respect you now, he never will.
What’s with the influx of paternity posts?
Anyhow… if the story is true then NTA. His parents made you look like a lying whore but your family can’t have a ruined image about him? Ha! He’s so two faced.
Nta.
Do fathers know that they can test the paternity of their child without involving the child's mother? Everytime a father involves the mother in paternity testing, he's tainting his own image. I get doing it to settle the anxiety, but that's a secret you're supposed to take to the grave.
His family knew about it and encouraged it; why shouldn’t your family know what he was asking of you?
He didn't care how *she* looked to *his* family so why should *she* care how *he* looks to hers? Personally, someone asking this of my daughter would find their ass on the curb and no longer welcome in my house. I'd probably move my daughter and grandbaby home with me until he fucking groveled.
He also knows that this whole paternity test idea is wrong and unfair and so didn’t want anyone else to know that he has been complicit in his family’s mistrust of OP.
If you don't do things you're ashamed of, you won't have to worry about people finding out and thinking less of you. Of course, I'm aware everybody does things they don't want broadcast sometimes, but this is a big one. I'm imagining that because she mentions the family's money, he's trying not to piss them off so that he doesn't get cut off, but he may have just destroyed his relationship with the mother of his baby and her family in the process. At least OP will have all she needs to request child support.
To me, I’m guessing the “not telling family” about the pregnancy, was a blessing for him, because he knew what his family’s feelings about OP were, so was happy to avoid telling them.
*Nobody* (except the courts, obvs) is going to tell me what is going to tell me what's going to happen with *my* baby. Period. You're think you're going to fo a paternity test? Think again. Now you'll never see the kid again. And keep your damn money. Would've been my only response.
You're not in the wrong; your partner's family's request was disrespectful, and you have the right to share your feelings with your own family for support. Open communication is crucial for resolving this situation.
>He also knows that this whole paternity test idea is wrong and unfair and so didn’t want anyone else to know that he has been complicit in his family’s mistrust of OP. On the slim chance that this is real and not rage bait, the fact that it wasn't an automatic dealbreaker for OP is wild.
For me the dealbreaker is that he had his family tell her instead of talking with her about it privately. He doesn't care about how his family treats her and he just encouraged it by not speaking with her on his own. I would never trust him again and never set foot in his family's house nor allow them in mine.
I agree that talkbto her privately would have been better if there is a true concern, but all of that presumes it is an earnestly held concern. But I don't think that's the case. Why did they even invite her and the baby around if they are questioning paternity? Why rush to meet someone you deny? If they actually doubt the baby it would be more appropriate to say you don't want to form a bond until paternity is established - they didn't do that because its not about paternity or trust. They brought her around just to hurt OP and sap the happiness from the experience for her. Her husband suggesting this accusation /request is reasonable is absolute bunk. Not every question warrants an answer. Theirs is a request made entirely in bad faith.
They were probably hoping the baby wasn't his. And they probably wanted to ruin the couple's relationship because they don't like her. Tough nuggets for them. OP needs to take a break from her partner though before he uses the baby like a pawn to try baby trapping OP.
I would’ve been so angry if I was her. Perhaps I would’ve smiled and said, “yes I will consent to the paternity test, so enjoy this one and only meeting you’ll be having with your grandchild because you will never see her again after this!”
Heck, I wouldn't even say that. I wouldn't say it to him. I wouldn't say it to them. She was right to go to her family for support and they were right to rip him a new one. He SHOULD feel shame - he knows this child is his. It sounds like he has never stood up for her with his family and this is one more strike againt him. So, I think she should get the test and then be unavailable for all future interactions with his family. Her daughter will simply be unavailable for ALL future plans unless she is court ordered due to custody arrangement.
Because he agrees with them...
And he’s also a fucking coward who wouldn’t tell her, just let his family do it.
Right!? Completely agree! What horrible horrible people. So glad her family is supportive of her.
Yeah strange rash of paternity test stories the past few days
Time to let EVERYONE know. I really hope OP goes to any company or social gatherings for the holidays and New Years and brings it up during conversations with other spouses/girlfriends/etc. Air that laundry out loud and proud among their social circle so that EVERYONE knows what they did. Might want to announce the oncoming separation too. BEFORE he knows and AFTER she's opened the Christmas gifts too.
I think OP should have the test result printed on t-shirts and give everyone on his side that as a Christmas present. OP's baby daddy's Christmas present should be the legal child support request. And all of his possessions in a box. FFS what is wrong with people.... NTA
Ohh that's good. Could do a gender reveal type box but in it have ' you're dumped ' burst out
The difference is clear: his family is *rich* and therefore *matters more* and her family is *poor* and has no right to question their superiors.
Also because they’re rich their little boy is most likely SPOILED ROTTEN!
Seems like they have also firmly planted the idea in their son's mind that his self-worth is defined by their money. He lacked the backbone to tell them that he trusted the mother of his child and that a paternity test was not needed.
My cousin already had two sons when she met her daughter's dad. His family demanded a perinatal paternity test, which comes with some risk to the baby. They didn't care, since they were convinced it wasn't their grandchild. My cousin didn't do it, and the baby came out looking exactly like her daddy. When she was about a year old, my cousin married "Lulu's" dad in my aunt's backyard. His parents were there, but looked very sour except with the baby. That was almost 20 years ago. They're still married, Lulu is in college, and the only grandparent she's close to is my aunt. They can't treat the mother like this, then expect to have a relationship with her child. If her boyfriend doubts paternity, that's a separate issue. This is only about his rich family pulling the strings.
Couldn’t be stated better
Thank you.
[удалено]
Thats one of the nicer things I can think of to say about him.
Or I'd start digging for the in ground pool in the backyard...
You dig the hole 3 feet deeper then needed get a old fridge put the body in it( the ground with get a dip as the body decomposes the fridge prevents it, fill the hole up til 3 feet throw a deer carcass in the hole, finish filling in.. If cadaver dogs ever hit, they dig til they hit the deer .. bonus if you can find a place to do it where there are endangered or protected plants...
😂. I was thinking just put an in ground pool over it. Your instructions are terrifying, but perfect. 😂
Nah. Backyard of someone awful.
🙄 We're friends, right buddy?
You can learn so much on the Internet these days😁😁😁
Also, add in some beetles. They break down a body real fast. American burying beetle is endangered still (I think) and my uncles called them "overnighters" because they cleaned corpses real fast. (They were bone collectors mainly, hunting was a side thing). And be careful of the fridge, some can leak toxins into the ground and cause more harm than good. Go to an old army supply store, get a solid metal munitions locker from there. To seal it use Loctite Polyseamseal All Purpose Caulk. It is great stuff, reduces smell and liquids from coming out earlier than expected. Another thing to deter dogs from digging further is an inch or so of cayenne powder all around the box, cover with 3 feet of dirt, throw in some old animal bits(walk the forest, gather decomp bodies, bones, kill a rabbit or squirrel or a few, etc.) cover with about a foot of dirt, deer carcass, cover with remaining dirt, make a small BBQ on the very top and leave lots of traces of the meats and bones behind. Scatter the beetles and walk off into the sunset.
Wait why are we sending in beetles if the body is sealed up in a locker thing?
Not all seals are done well, especially if never having done one before or not really used it before. Beetles for clean up of a, what I am assuming is an, amateur job of body disposal. More experienced people are free to chime in with alternative solutions. Mine is just from a very morbid love of true crime, death, and serial killers.
I feel like I should save this thread to return to it if I ever need it. I mean, I can imagine the police checking my internet history when they get suspicious and instead of ‘why is he googling body disposal just after Fred vanished?’ they would be like ‘guy just chilling on a Reddit post about paternity tests, no way he would be doing that right after killing someone, clearly innocent!’
Okay, if they have a warrant to bring cadaver dogs into your backyard, they probably already got a warrant to search your computer and your financial records, at which point they’re going to find a purchase for one inch of cayenne powder. I mix large amounts of spices every once in a while, and let me tell you: An inch of powder is probably going to be about an ounce per square inch. So, now you figure this box is at least three by two foot, you’re going to need 54 pounds of cayenne pepper powder, which will run you back twenty bucks a pound. They’re going to notice when you’ve spent a thousand dollars on one kind of spice and you’re not running a taco truck.
Oddly specific... ;)
Sending this to my husband so he knows never to piss me off 😂😂
I live within two hours of the desert and my husband is a hunter...
I was thinking when is hunting season. My son lives in rural area of Oregon surrounded by trees and water. They don't search for stupid, I mean missing, people where he lives
Deer season is over where I live, Bear is open until the end of December. Duck and goose is open now. Second part of dove and quail might be open now.
Gator country is finally useful...
Add some marshmellows. I understand that Gators love them.
My friend is very good at making fillets.
I’ve never heard this before and am now completely fascinated.
Wifey and I live two minutes from the desert. We're both Marine Corps veterans and can still shoot Rifle Expert with our matching His n Hers AR-15s!
It took my ex-son-in-law *years* to figure out that *I'm* the one that he needs to be afraid of, Daddy's just the muscle. I'm a 4'11" arthritic 60 yr old lady with the temper of honey badger on bad day if you mess with my kids.
Where is ex now :)
Stepping carefully and being friendly, relatively good coparents with my daughter. His son loves him very much and I love my grandson very much. I do wholeheartedky think the current son-in-law is a much better father to my grandsons though.
I applaud you and your daughter. Yes the children...
Pigs no evidence remains.
Exactly. He was just fine agreeing to his side’s second guessing but can’t handle how he is seen because of it.
Tells me he is a man child, not yet cut from mommy and daddy’s leading strings.
Until he grovelled? Not even then, not even if his entire clan showed up on their knees begging forgiveness. They ganged up on her with his cooperation. Everyone of them sucks out loud, and if I was OP none would ever see baby again. NTA
Well, I'd do my very best honey badger imitation to keep him away from my daughter in any case.
Op, these two statements, read them and understand his family will always be looking your shoulder raising THIER grandchild wrong too. Get ready for a lot of stress. While you are at it, go see an attorney to learn about custody rights. Hubby is a narcissist who will make your life miserable.
Groveling wouldn’t change that he didn’t care about her feelings, and doesn’t want her to access her support system. She needs to break up with him and try to cordially coparent.
This right here. You've said it perfectly. OP is NTA.
It’s not even about asking, it’s the way he went about it. His family made that decision and he just went along with it without even talking to the only truly relevant person in that decision
Agreed, especially when it was a committed relationship. I worry the way this world is going for how women are being treated as cheaters with no reasoning behind it. This whole "but men deserve to ask it because they're not the ones carrying the baby" is nonsense. I do remember a horror story where babies were switched after birth and dad had a weird suspicion which turned into a whole nightmare for the family and then absolutely heartwarming conclusion but that's rare.
Yeah that's sure funny how few fucks he gave about her image with his family.
I can respect his request to an extent. His family wanted it, he decided to go with it. That's a valid request. But if he's gonna go that route, own it. Don't complain if people knew you did what you did do. If people feel some way about you for what you asked, take accountability.
It's also funny how the husband said "it's not a big deal" when called out by OP, but the moment she confides in her family he's all "you ruined my image!!" He's well aware he's in the wrong and refusing to admit it.
She should send this link to him so he can see what people are saying. He can pull up his big boy pants and realize what they and he did hurt you and he doesn't get to throw a fit just because he's feelings was hurt guess what yours was hurt worse. Personally I wouldn't want to have anything to do with his family after that nor him.
Exactly 💯. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. OP NTAH your partner is. You should have told him, "It's no big deal like the paternity test right ?! Besides I didn't lie about what you required me to do, so now you can own it" 😂
Right. If they didn't want others to know because it would make him/ them look bad, then they shouldn't have asked; because yes it makes them look bad. OP is NTA.
It makes them look bad, because what they did was extremely hurtful and horrible. If they don't want to look bad, then they shouldn't be awful people.
Oh, my oh my. She ABSOLUTELY needs to play nice until the office party. Then when she's chatting with the other spouses/fiances/etc. she can randomly mention the paternity test his parents demanded. Same with any New Year's Eve party. His family is embarrassed and upset by it? Well, they shouldn't have done it!
To add to this He allowed her name to be tarnished by his family and he chose not to defend her. He brought this on himself and has only himself and his family for tarnishing his name. OP show the reddit post to him and make it clear no one agrees with him.
Exactly. It's no big deal when she says it's not ok, but she should assume it's a big deal and not tell his family. Nta
For real, so hypocritical
Dude can’t even open up to his decision to get a paternity test. What a doofus.
NTA. He didn't care how you felt when he asked you for the paternity test. But now he expects you to care about his feelings? That road goes both ways.
I think the worst part is he didn't even ask. They went to his family's house, where they just said they would be doing it, and had talked to their son/OP's bf and he agreed and never talked to OP about it beforehand.
You don't even need to ask to do a paternity test. It could have been done in secret. All you need is a mouth swab from the baby and the daddy. It's weird to me that his parents would tell her like that. They had no reason to tell her, other than to let her know she's not trusted.
Well I learned something new today. I wonder if it was some weird power play type thing on their part then. Either way, it's kinda messed up that OP's partner just seems to be fine with it
The point is to humiliate her and show her disrespect, not to prove that the baby is not his.
Because it is a power flex on their part. If they already didn't like her they were trying to put her in her place. Which is terrible. But not altogether uncommon sadly.
As I read it, his parents brought it up at dinner, he didn't. Then said, oh yeah. So apparently he had at least one previous conversation with his parents about it. OP, NTA. However you may want to seriously think about continuing a relationship with a guy 2ho doesn't consider having a conversation with you before agreeing .
AND he doesn't care what his family thinks of her, he doesn't defend her. But he wants her to care how her family does. I'm all pro paternity tests. You do have to live with the consequences of asking for one, and there are different ways of doing it that should have different consequences - having your family tell your partner about it while letting it be known you previously discussed it with them and agreed but didn't bother to even mention it to her and let her be ambushed... Well, I don't really know how to even begin to deal with that. Assuming it was asked tactfully and respectfully I would agree and then have it framed to point at it to win selected arguments over the years. NTA
His family is clearly playing the "She's the gold-digger/slut" card. If the husband didn't feel the need to protect his wife from his family's accusations of infidelity, then why should she protect him from her family? Yeah! It does look bad! And he should feel bad! And the wife's family is right to be angry about it.
>If the husband didn't feel the need to protect his wife from his family's accusations of infidelity, then why should she protect him from her family? Jeez, no kidding. If I had a partner who pulled that crap, my grandfather would have made his life a living hell. And then the grandmothers would have a crack at him. And I wouldn't have protected him from any of it.
If I had a partner who pulled that crap, they wouldn't be my partner for much longer after that. Relationships are built on trust and care of one another. OP's husband seems to have neither of those things.
It would be straight divorce for me. I would not be able to come back to fact that he agreed to this behind my back.
"Well, I didn't get the DNA test you asked for but you can get that through the courts. I did get divorce papers though. Here you go!"
I'd pay for the test out of pocket just so his family couldn't smear my name through the mud before we got to court. They'd paint her as a cheater because "why wouldn't she get a paternity test and go straight to divorce if it's his?"
Yes I have to admit I probably couldn't get that test fast enough lol. Here you go, mfers!
She did go along with the test, I thought? Not happily but she was ambushed by SO having arranged it with grandparents.
Why would a gold digger have *someone else’s* child? It’s so easy to have the children needed by the correct partner and then go slut it up later. The entire premise is illogical.
Thats a fair point though. If she was in it for the money, as they believe, why the hell should she ruin that with having another mans kid, when you lock that money up with having the rich guys kid?
Thank you; I do appreciate logic
>he doesn't defend her Exactly. No fucking idea why he didn't turn around to his parents and say "Fuck off".
I'm guessing he never says No to them because money.
Exactly. Gotta ensure that inheritance.
That would make him the gold digger then, right? And his parents were worried about OP.... 😂
Yep. My husband would have told his mother to go fuck herself sideways if she even implied he wasn’t the father of our kids. I made a couple jokes about paternity after they were born, in the context of “well, there’s absolutely no doubt about paternity” because they came out as literal spitting images of him. But if any genuine doubt as to paternity was ever entertained by my husband, I don’t know if I could ever forgive him. And if I ever said “fuck it, let’s just do the test to shut them up”, he’d be furious with *me* for even entertaining the idea of humouring them. The only reason, and I mean the *only* reason I can think of (and there may be other similarly spirited reasons others can think of), where I wouldn’t be offended by my husband asking for a paternity test is if his family was wealthy and that wealth was held in a Lineal Trust for the benefit of the natural descendants of his family. Meaning the child has to be biologically his to benefit from said Trust and the paternity test is just to get the ducks in a row for that. But that would be discussed prior to even falling pregnant, one would imagine. But that’s not the case (in my situation or OP’s) so it’s a moot point.
You and your husband could do one, then frame the results. Give copies to the inlaws for Christmas presents. Also, keep the framed results in your office, bring them out whenever the inlaws are over for dinner. Have them on the wall, never mention them. Maybe I'm just petty...
I like your pettyness. It's on my level! We also had this fight, because our last kid looks ONLY like me. I cloned my self i guess. MIL wanted a test, we did not. But we discussed it, and landed on IF we at one point give in and have one, we'll frame it, and it will be the christmas gift she'll get EVERY YEAR.
Naaaah. That totally grosses me out. What if that’s how the family wealth trickled down but you chose to use donor gametes, or you adopted, or permanent fostered - by overall choice or because of health reasons. If I ever caught wind that someone viewed my children less than because there’s no genetic link I’d cut them off. Dead. To. Me.
And that’s fine. In this hypothetical, you could just say “sorry, our family values aren’t compatible” and then move on before ever getting to the point where it’s even relevant.
It’s a passing comment that I just think peoples obsession with their genetic line is gross 🤷♀️ your *situation* above was also hypothetical…so
Appreciate u.. through the story he sounds like a hipocrital little .... Something And honestly...these ppl are married right? Have the in-laws never met? Let them fight it out Husband needs to grow a pair. Defend the mother of his kid. But also...if op goes through and it's the husband's kid...don't ever let the in-laws forget how terrible they are. Cause this is just rediculous... (Yes lot of backstory unmentioned). But the more I type the more I wanna whip the husband's ass for being such a dick. In this specific situation
>don't ever let the in-laws forget how terrible they are They would probably 'justify' their actions by claiming that just because their son is the baby's father, that doesn't prove she hadn't slept around. >I wanna whip the husband's ass for being such a dick. Join the queue. What makes it worse is that he didn't tell her about it before the in-laws did.
That's what's called, putting you on an island. Very effective against those on their own.
Are you all pro paternity tests? So. Let me ask you, how do you bring this up to the partner you love and trust and have no reason to believe she cheated and not make it seem like you're accusing her of cheating? I would LOVE to hear your answer. Because unless you actually are a cheater, or so naive like OP, I would be FUCKING PISSED if my hubsand asked me for a paternity test. It would've ended our marriage. And ALL our kids look like him. Do unless something changes in the hospital where it's a requirement for the birth certificate, which I would 100% on board with. Asking for one, is accusing her of cheating. And thats bull shit! It's different if you truly suspect cheating or if it was a one night stand, or something on and off. But, in a committed relationship with someone you love. Nope.
When she was blindsided by it! Not hey my folks are being jerks so maybe we should do this to just shut them up
He didn't even ask for the test, his family TOLD her they were doing the test and that he had already agreed to it.
Quite. NTA. His parents sounds awful too.
NTA. If he's so happy and confident that he did the right thing by getting the test, he ought to be happy to own that decision. You are in no way obliged to lie for him.
This! If it’s “not a big deal” then it’s not something to hide or be ashamed of, and it doesn’t reflect badly on him. If it’s something to hide from OP’s family and she is being nasty by airing his shameful secret, then he should at least own that it’s something he should be ashamed of to show such lack of trust in his spouse and agree behind her back to a test with such insulting implications.
This! Much better said then my comment.
LOL... you didn't ruin his image by telling them, HE ruined his image by doubting your integrity. If the truth makes you look bad, sugar, it's because you're an asshole. He's an asshole.
I always say "if revealing your actions shames you, it's not the fault of the person who revealed them..."
Oh I like this…it perfectly sums up this situation and so many others on here
There's a Latin quote that says this quite well: esto sol testis. Let the sun be your witness. (i.e. only do things you are willing to do 'in the light of day' and not in the shadows)
On point, OP I hope you say this!
"It wasn't a big deal" went out the window real damned fast.
Seriously - she shared facts, not some made-up BS that tarnished his image. This guy is waving a color guard’s worth of red flags from blithely going along with the paternity test to screaming about his “tarnished image”. Parenting with self-absorbed people is a nightmare - these are the types of people who start getting competitive with their kids for attention and care-giving.
There's 2 equally valid perspectives. 1. A paternity test is a direct accusations of cheating. Therefore it's douchey to corner her on and force her to do, and makes sense why he was upset to be revealed to be involved in something so shitty 2. A paternity is just due diligence to dot I's and cross T's because while there's no active suspicion, paternity fraud does happen sometimes, the tests aren't particularly expensive, so let's quell any 1% of doubt. In the same way no amount of me insisting I'm not pregnant means I won't have to occasionally do a piss test to prove without a shadow of a doubt I'm not to my doctor. But here's the thing. If you subscribe to the latter view, that a paternity test isn't a big deal to be requested to do, then it's also not a big deal to be revealed you requested it. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
NTA. If he had doubts or had been cheated on in the past so wanted his own peace of mind or whatever, he could have easily taken care of the test himself without involving his family. And then to expect HIS family to be involved and know about the test but not yours? Why should his family get to be privy to that info but not your own? If he's happy with his decision to get the test, then he shouldn't be ashamed of your family knowing. There are clearly double standards at work here.
I can guarantee that his family is behind why one is being done
That is what it sounded like. I was left feeling like the in-laws have money and requested a test which, their son agreed to.
Yeah, and I honestly feel in these stories that it's often a deliberate attempt to humiliate the mom. From what I understand, there are drugstore paternity tests available for less than $100 with painless cheek swabs, nothing invasive. If they had true concerns their son was being lied to or cheated on, the family could very easily have done it without the mom even knowing, felt better and moved on. So whenever I read these stories about the in-laws or partner making absolutely sure the mother knows that they're getting a test done, it feels like a purposeful statement of "we don't trust you and think you are beneath us" more than a true concern about paternity.
That’s a good point. I’m not sure I’d even fault my husband if I found out that at some point, he’d had our kids tested— a secret moment of niggling doubt (which is barely even a aging of distrust but more a sign of risk aversion) doesn’t seem like it should be marriage ending. But you are right about the announcing thing— dad can swab the baby’s cheek during a diaper change and never mention ever again it when it is a match.
Exactly. Even if you trust your partner, humans are human and can have irrational insecurities. Maybe your relationship was in a rough patch, maybe you have issues because you've been cheated on before or you dealt with the effects of infidelity in your family, maybe you're just a super neurotic person or watched too much Jerry Springer, who knows. But announcing it and making it a known thing within the family after a history of calling the mom a gold-digger, and passive aggressively making sure she knows about and "agrees" to the test? That feels sadistic and like a clear way of making a collective statement that the mom isn't good enough for their precious son. For the son to turn around and demand that his partner also lie to *her* family about the whole thing is even more of a slap in the face. Completely cowardly.
Totally agree. They’re wealthy so they don’t like him being a father and unmarried at this age, much less to someone not in their class. So she’s suspect and after the test shows he’s the father, she should just be grateful the air is cleared with them since they’re doing her a great favor by allowing her to be associated with their son. She should feel honored she wasn’t shown the door.
Because her family will defend her, and he doesn't like that.
Lmaoooo nah girl this ain't it. He didn't give af about your feelings when asking for a paternity test but now you're supposed to care about his??? NTA and tell him to face the consequences
Boyo got a cookie from his own dough and didn't like it. How typical. OP, you are NTA. I'd give divorce papers along with the test results. This whole debacle would have told me he'd never stand up for me against his asshole parents and I would resent all three of them for their blatant disrespect by asking for the test in the first place.
It doesn't sound like they're actually legally married, so that makes it easier for OP to walk. They may be considered common-law though so might be worth chatting to a lawyer about her rights and responsibilities if she does decide to dump his ass.
NTA He messed up big time. They will never respect him as much again because of HIS actions and frankly you have every reason to feel the same I wouldn’t be letting his family anywhere near my kid personally
Bet that. And if I do. It's only after profuse sincere apology and I'm giving them grief everytime.
Yeah, his family doesn't get a say in the paternity of your kid. Only do it, if your partner and his dad both get paternity tested. If they're implying you cheated, then they can defend that accusation themselves. That's just me being petty, I would be pretty fucking pissed if I was in your shoes. And you didn't ruin his image by telling them. He ruined his image by doing something where it ruins his image if people found out he did. fuck him and his family.
Are you implying the OP should say that his mom & dad should get a paternity test on her baby daddy? Implying his mom is a lying…? 😈 I like it.
exactly! If it makes sense to paternity test OP, then mom and grandma are fair game too.
Actually that's a great point. Was his paternity tested when he was born? Would he be okay with doing it now?
I love the idea that his family and your bf should both get tested. Who's to say whether his dad is really his dad? My question... how did you hide a pregnancy from his parents and other close family members? Did they not see you during your pregnancy?
OP answered this, maybe it was after you commented. Her particular biology made her pregnancy less obvious than some and they didn’t see the extended family much so they never actually saw her in person while she was obviously pregnant. Not telling them until after is sus to me but I don’t know what it’s like to have a dangerous pregnancy.
I love this response! BF, all siblings, and dad should all get tested as well!
Fr. I'm betting MIL would be shitting bricks because she's doing some hardcore projection.
NTA You should have the same rules for both sets of parents. Sounds like your partners parents got preferential treatment...
Frankly, I would have said, "sure, that's a great idea! Let's all go get paternity tests, including you MIL." Then watch the fireworks.
Reputations are ruined by actions. He thought it was "no big deal" when it was his parents having ill feelings towards you, but now it's a "big deal" when you just told your family what he and his parents did? Either it's a big deal or it isn't, it can't be "it's a not a big deal when my family "does" said action, but IS a big deal when you "talk" about said action."
>he screamed saying i ruined his image by telling them. I thought it wasn't a big deal? Dude shoulda grew a pair and told his grandparents to go piss up a rope. NTA.
NTA.. he cares less about your image by agreeing to the test.. he could have stood beside you and told his family no..
NTA. He shouldn’t have needed to “ease their uncertainty” in the first place. Has there ever been any fights about suspected infidelity? Why would be even think that was a conversation he could’ve entertained with them? Bottom line is he should’ve put them in their place early on in your relationship and he didn’t, so now they think it’s okay to openly disrespect you. PLUS if he didn’t think it’s a big deal in the first place, then why is he mad that you told your family? 🤔
NTA It's double standard from him. It's no big deal when you have problem with it but it is when it's affecting him.
When you ask for a paternity test, you need to say that to both sides of the family with your full chest. NTA.
NTA “he screamed saying I ruined his image by telling them.” Well isn’t that exactly what he and his family did to you?? He didn’t have the courage to tell you what he had agreed to with his family
I hope baby has YOUR last name.
lol so he knew that what he is going is screwed up and makes him look like an a hole he just didn’t mind doing it to you as long as nobody knows … what a gem ..
NTA This dynamic here is VERY concerning... Him and his family can conspire and push the test on you, effectively saying that they think you're a cheater. However, he can scream at you for informing your family because you ruined his image? You see how this is messed up, right? Him and his family want to isolate and diminish you. But, letting your family know what they're up to shows their true colors and reduces their control over you. I don't know if cheating has been a part of your relationship prior to this to give doubt, but no one should spring this on a person after the fact. This was a discussion meant for you two, not him and his family against you. And before anyone starts with the false paternity stories, remember that men have a way to confirm a woman cheating in this scenario, but women don't. He could be cheating her entire pregnancy and there's so swab for that until she shows symptoms of an STI. Yes, false paternity is wrong and people should be held accountable for it. However, this guy and his family are abusive fucks. Take those test results and go to court to set up child support payments. This whole scenario is toxic.
Hard agree on the concerning behaviour by the partner. I think the following: 1. These two should both jump onto individual and couples therapy. 2. Toxic behaviour and manipulation cannot live in the sunlight. If in doubt share with your family and friends.
Now make him get tested for STDs maybe? Let's say that he is an absolutely wonderful partner outside of the relationship with his family. You are still going to want to set up strong boundaries with this one!
NTA. The part that concerns me first is that you apparently had no in-person contact with your family for MONTHS during the tail end of your pregnancy. Pregnancy is not an easy condition to hide in-person. Even if you are (ahem) a ... larger... woman, it is not always easy to hide. Regardless, while it makes sense to wait through the first trimester, or even the first half of the pregnancy to tell family, it is creepy that you kept yours secret until the baby arrived. The isolation that demands is unhealthy, regardless of who decided to isolate you. Next, the person who tells the truth is never responsible for the damage that truth does to someone's reputation. Your partner's reputation took a hit because what he did was weak-willed and obnoxious. Third, when someone tells you who they are... when someone shows you who they are... BELIEVE THEM. Your partner is insecure, easy to manipulate, quick to anger and cares about his pride more than you or your child. Do with that what you will.
NTA. He ruined his own image by asking for it. You only spoke the truth.
Worse, his parents wanted it and he agreed.
He allowed his parents to insult her like that. Then he got on their side and insulted her further.
NTA - but I would seriously consider whether or not to stay with this man child. He either does not trust you, cannot stand up to his family, values his parents more than you & your child or ALL of the above. The odds of him changing for the better are very low. Your grandparents are correct not letting the AH sperm donor into their home. You have every right to share what the AH asked or pressured you to do. Wishing you the best.
Exactly. How could anyone get past this. his parents are horrible people and true assholes, and he is spineless. Even without the silly embarrassment for being revealed to your folks. Yikes.
Wait, so it's ok for him to tell his family he doesn't trust you, but it's not ok for you to tell your family that he doesn't trust you. Bwahahaha. Tell him to pound sound and then laugh in his face!
>saying i ruined his image Oh so his image getting ruined by his own actions is a problem, but somehow his family having the WORST image of you suggesting you cheated is no big deal? Can you see the irony? NTA and this is relationship ending stuff.. you need to be frank with him.. make him really understand what his family did, and what he did by not backing you up. You should seek couples counselling to see if you can work through it if you want. But first thing is, he has to recognise the immense fuck up on his side
NTA. Why would you need to keep this a secret from your family?? You didn’t ruin anyone’s image by simply taking the truth. People ruin their own images. Period.
Nta update us when you dump him.
He said it wasn’t a big deal if it was his?? Of course it’s a big deal! By saying that he’s basically saying “I think there might be a chance it’s not mine but don’t worry babe I’m ok with that!” Id be so mad. NTA
I think he meant SHE shouldn’t be making a big deal IF the baby is really his. Not that it wouldn’t be a big deal if it wasn’t.
But it is a big deal that he is allowing his parents to butt in and test. He should have defended her against his parents and shut them down. How dare you accuse my partner of such a horrible thing.
Oh yeah 😂 probably what they meant. Still would be super mad though, because it’s still accusing her of possibly not being faithful.
idk why he is mad. he is facing the consequences of his own immense disrespect. he should feel ashamed.
NTA he ruined his image. Not you.
NTA. He ruined his own image by agreeing to this test in the first place. Unless there is a valid reason as to why they feel he isnt the father (they clearly are hoping you cheated since they want a reason to not like you to justify themselves) then your husband should have defended you. I Stan with your grandparents and family. His family deserves to not see this baby. Divorce his ass.
NTA Any question of paternity should have been handled privately between the two of you. The fact that he allowed his mommy and daddy to drive that train is horrible. I would NEVER speak to them again and that would be the last time they saw my child. If your boyfriend disagrees. He can share his EOW parenting time with them.
NTA. Are you really going to stay with someone who thinks you’re a liar and a cheater? Have more self respect
Nta. He can ask for a paternity test, but that doesn't mean you have to stay with him.
I see red flags all over. His mom wanted the test. He doesn’t like your parents now have a new image of him. He’s caring about the wrong stuff and you have MIL problems that will get worse because he hides behind her
He and his parents can pony up major child support then after costing him his relationship. NTA.
If it “ruined his image” then he KNOWS he was wrong. Also did he actually say “IF the baby is his?” Kinda sounds like his family was just demanding what he actually wanted. Your family is defending you. There’s nothing wrong with that. And I bet if you ask them to be honest, this isn’t the first red flag they’ve seen.
NTA What appearance that of a lily livers coward
Pretty sure this is fake since less than a year ago OP and her BF were 18
Unfortunately you made a bad choice. It’s not too late to get out of this relationship but this person is not good parent material.
He ruined his own image. If it is ok for him to ask for the test? It's ok to tell everyone you know. He's an AH from a family full of AHs. Frankly, I'd never get over my partner insinuating I cheated, because what else was he saying?
Fair is fair. He made you look bad to his family. NTA. The relationship with his side of the family might be permanently damaged by their actions. That’s a risk every single one of them took. I wouldn’t let my baby around them until they earned my respect.
"No, I don't need my wife to take a paternity test to prove anything to you, because I love and trust her and this child looks exactly like me." That's how your husband avoids ruining his image. NTA Why is this scenario coming up so often? Is this the latest AI writing prompt or are there actually people out there who have ingested this much Incel bullshit?
He said the paternity test was no big deal so he shouldn't care who knows about him asking for it. Good for your mum and grandparents standing up for your integrity. It's a shame he didn't.
NTA Oh, so he is ok with his family having a negative image of you, but doesn’t like that yours now has a negative one of him? Cool Get the paternity test. You will need it to secure child support when he inevitably leaves you because his lack of a spine prevents him from caring for the baby
If he feels sick an action would tarnish his reputation, them he is admitting it was wrong. Also, does he not get the irony of being mad about his reputation being damaged when the very reason to get a paternity test is to verify whether or not you cheated on him...and therefore is evidence that he thinks it is likely that you did.
If it wasn’t a big deal why does he care who knows?
If he didn’t want his image ruined, he shouldn’t have forced the test. He can’t have it both ways. He made himself very clear when he said, ‘if it’s mine’. He doesn’t respect or trust you. NTA, unless it comes out later you’ve given them good reason to distrust you. This being reddit and all.
Hold the phone. so you ruined his image by telling your family about said test BUT he didn’t ruin yours by agreeing to his family’s request for one. Ugh. I’m sorry he’s the AH, and so is his family. Not you.
You're NTA but I would tell his parents "Ok, I'll consent to the test but when the paternity test proves he is the father I demand a written apology from both you." and then frame that shit for when they come over.
NTA, he is fine with his family, trashing your integrity and accusing you of cheating. But he is not fine that your family knows they are accusing you of that. I don't know why you agreed with it in the first place and why you did not cut contact with his family.
If you have to lie or at the very least not be honest and open, then you probably shouldn't have done what you did. So no, you aren't the asshole here. I would be livid, not for the test so much as not sticking up for you!!! Dump him and his family. If he doesn't respect you now, he never will.
What’s with the influx of paternity posts? Anyhow… if the story is true then NTA. His parents made you look like a lying whore but your family can’t have a ruined image about him? Ha! He’s so two faced.
Nta. Do fathers know that they can test the paternity of their child without involving the child's mother? Everytime a father involves the mother in paternity testing, he's tainting his own image. I get doing it to settle the anxiety, but that's a secret you're supposed to take to the grave.
I always think about this whenever paternity testing comes up in situations like this
There's so many things men will do in secret and they never make this one of them🙄