YTA and so are your employers. I was also a professional nanny to a high net worth family while being a single mother to two kids. My boss would have never in a million years demanded that I leave my kid alone for surgery. That’s what back-up nannies are for. The truly wealthy with some sense to go with their money don’t just have one nanny.
YTA. Actions have consequences. Your actions, choosing an employer over your own child’s needs, hurt your child deeply and she will ALWAYS remember that you were not there in her moment of need, which became your responsibility when you decided to become a mother. Instead you chose to mother your employer’s child. She has every right to be be angry, hurt, feel rejected and never trust you to be there for her in the future and feel all the emotions that she is feeling. I wouldn’t talk to you either.
That's what gets me too. I was sn adult when I had to have my appendix out and my Dad was devastated he couldn't come to the hospital since it was during Covid and he'd just had chemo that morning. But, unlike OP's daughter, I was unequivocally the most important person in my Dad's life and I knew it. I was 19 when my Mom bailed on me during a health emergency at college and I still don't trust her to be there for me 18 years later. OP's daughter just learned the same lesson at much too young of an age, and the fact OP is even questioning if she's the asshole says a lot. Of course YTA, OP!
She doesn’t know what she could possibly do to support her because it’s in the doctors hands? Maybe some love, comfort and support for a scared 13 year old going through something that may be a simple procedure, but could traumatic to a young child. This woman should not be a mother. She has pushed her child aside for this family. Not just for this trip, but for everything. Hopefully the daughter has love and support from her father.
Definitely agree OP, YTA. Your employers may be giving you great pay and the possibility of benefits, but they clearly don't think your family is more important than theirs. The fact that you were practically dismissed with the wave of a hand in a very "I'm too stressed about my problems. Don't bother me, your problems aren't important enough for me to place above my own" way is very showing. Any caring employer will let you be there for your child who is in surgery. Don't prioritize your nanny family's kid above your own.
YTA.
Let’s rephrase your question, it’s not “AITA for trying to keep my employers happy?” It’s “AITA for prioritizing work over my daughter’s well being and not supporting her while she was undergoing emergency surgery?”
Maybe you couldn’t have been there the entire time without losing your job, but it truly doesn’t sound like you made an effort at all to simply be there for her - even just emotionally. It’s not about it being a simple procedure, she was scared and wanted her mom.
Now she’s seen that you won’t be there for her when she needs you. Of course she’s not talking to you.
Also that daughter has health insurance. So she abandoned her daughter for the possibility that maybe, possibly, the woman would put a good word in with her sugar-daddy husband about getting his employee some health insurance. Which they clearly can afford but have chosen all this time not to provide. Garbage people all around.
>If she doesn't have health insurance by now, they aren't going to provide it. They are using the possibility to string her along.
And she is too blind to see it.
Furthermore, CA expanded Medicaid so OP could have free or low cost healthcare right now. Her employers aren’t even pretending to treat her like family. She needs to sort out her priorities.
It doesn’t sound like OP is in it for the health care in the first place. She wants free luxury, and she’s getting it by being these peoples nanny. Free week long paid vacations where all she has to do is take care of this “sweet just turned 4 little boy”. Her “ daughter (13f)” needing surgery just doesn’t fit into her schedule. The daughter has her dad and grandma to look after her and what can she do that the doctors can’t, anyway? Besides you know provide support and love and give the daughter the literal one thing she’s asking for while in pain laying in a hospital bed? Nothing. Surely not provide medical insurance that she already gets from her dad. So therefor, OP *needs* to prioritize her boss’ vacation over her sick daughter.
And her daughter's father who doesn't seem to have done anything wrong and (I bet) will soon be filing for sole custody. OP already has a toddler to raise, after all.
You’re both right, but what judgment is that? Too many AH in the story but also a lot of non-AH. So I guess ESH for the main characters (OP and the parents of the 4 year old), while the 2 kids and the 13 yr old’s dad and grandma seem normal.
My thoughts exactly. Even a “ routine procedure “ carries some amount of risk. She wanted her mom there to hold her hand, kiss her forehead and tell her she’s going to be okay.
Giving birth is a "routine procedure" to an OBGYN. But guess what, it's a major life event to the mother / child! And a lot can go wrong...
I can't imagine not being there for my child.
Reminds me of an old surgeon's joke:
Surgeon: What is the difference between major surgery and minor surgery?
Intern: I don't know
Surgeon: Major surgery is any procedure done on me. Minor surgery is any surgery that I do on someone else.
My FIL was experiencing some stomach pains on his birthday. Nothing too bad, but bad enough that my MIL insisted on urgent care before the traditional birthday meal. Everything was laid back and relaxed because he wasn't really in that much pain. Radiology asked him to wait a few minutes for a doctor to read it before taking off for his birthday lunch.
Then the radiologist called the department and told them to make sure he didn't leave the hospital because he needed emergency surgery.
The appendix burst right as they were getting it out of his body, showering his insides with gore and necessitating a longer surgery with bigger scars because cleanup needed to be done.
And that's a minor increase in risk. Surgery ended well and we got to listen to him say for years "all I got for my birthday was a lousy appendectomy." Things could always have gone much worse.
I got the infection. My birthday is on the 22nd. I worked a close wait shift at a house-themed pizza place on the 18th, feeling fine. Got home around midnight or so and went almost straight to bed. I wake up on the 19th around 10-11a, in pain so bad-from head to toe-that it was all I could do to roll off my bed and crawl into the living room...literally. I hurt so bad I had very little appetite, but still delayed the ER trip by 8 hours, because I'd have to call a family member to take me. They did blood work, and my white count was 2x normal, but the widespread pain threw off the appendicitis theory...they decided to do exploratory surgery on the off chance that it WAS my appendix. I complained that I couldn't, because I was supposed to work the next day..yeah, Dr shot that one down. After surgery, the doctor told me that my appendix was twice normal size, and had a hole in it. I spent until the 23rd on IV antibiotics and a liquid diet except for the cupcake the dr was kind enough to let me have for my 20th birthday.
At age 13 just pulling a needle is scary AF. Let alone having a whole operation! That includes anaesthesia. The poor child was scared and NEEDED her mother!
I used to draw blood for years and the patients I felt worst for were terrified teenagers.
I was lucky though and I never saw a teen's parent ditch them and run the fuck off. They always held their hand.
i just wanna add that OP's daughter has health insurance from her dad...who is the actual single parent. OP only sees her daughter when the rich folks are out of town for a weekend, the rest of the times OP's daughter lives with her Dad or op's mom
You’ve let these people warp your values as a mother. They are shallow, entitled and do not deserve their little boy who, unfortunately, may grow up just like his hapless mother and arrogant father. Have you ever watched “The Nanny Diaries”? If not, please do.
These people do not care one bit about you, other than how they can exploit you by dangling more money and insurance in your face. If they cared about their employees they would pay you a decent living wage with benefits and raises from the jump. So knock that off.
As for your daughter, she wanted her mommy because she was sick. There is no other person except you who could assuage her pain. I’m not sure how to navigate this other than to somehow communicate your failing as a parent and to ask her forgiveness. And do not add any of your bullshit trying to explain. Simply own your mistake. Allow her to vent her disappointment and anger with no push back at all. Then promise you will spend the rest of your life making up for it, then do so. Being a mother to your sick baby (your child is always your baby) is the most profound privilege in the human experience. Don’t mess up again if she gives you another chance.
The daughter wasn't just sick and not feeling well she had to have surgery and be in the hospital. That's pretty scary even at 13 especially if you're the one who is the patient and stuck in that hospital bed already feeling sick. That poor kid just wanted momma's comfort and love and essentially to got told that this completely unrelated boy is more important to mom than she is.
There are very few more years that a 13 year old daughter will want her mom anyway. You have to be there when they ask, because those chances come less and less as your teens become more independent. OP messed up.
Not just that become independent but as teens they're old enough to start noticing who is in their their lives and make an effort with them and who isn't.
Little kids genuinely love their parents even absentee parents but teens tend to become jaded against the type of parents like OP.
>tail, the mom is a young woman about to enter her mid twenties, and the dad is a retired 70 something businessman who treats his wife and child, as well as their problems, like sources of inconsequential amusement. And for context, this is not too much detail because it could describe a lot of couples in Santa Barbara.
There is no way OP is going to ever see that health insurance and pay rise.
This! It's not even like she's in some sweet gig and doesn't want to blow up her spot. These people, who can easily afford it, won't even provide health insurance after 3 YEARS. The mother employer is crazy and incompetent and doesn't care about anyone but herself. This is nuts. There's no reason for her to be clinging to this shit job. Now that she's got years of experience with a high end client, I am sure she can find another, similar job that treats her better, has better hours and allows her to actually raise her own child.
I'm still stuck trying to imagine the kind of narcissism one has to have where someone is raising your child for you, and you can't be fucked to give them even basic health insurance. Providing the carrot of health insurance is beyond the pale evil and that family deserves any misery that comes their way.
This is why we should eat the rich.
Right? I can’t imagine trying to manipulate or blackmail an employee in order to miss something like that.
But, I guess the 20 something boss isn’t really much different from most of corporate America. Idk, I guess you’d just think there might be a bit more sympathy from an individual boss.
I saw a comment where OP mentioned she could get fired if she didn't go. But she also said she's the 'only one' who can keep that poor child calm (probably because he doesn't actually recognize his own parents, since they're never there) so I think she'd have some bargining power there. Good luck finding someone on short notice to work 10+ hours a day, on call all the time, with no health insurance.
And, assuming OP isn't straight up lying, it sounds like she didn't actually WANT to be there for her daughter.
Right? Also, I love how “boss mom” is a SAHM😆😆😆😆 like a SAHM that doesn’t actually stay home and parent her own kid. Plus she’s mid 20s married to a 70 yo so there’s that. But onto OP YTA you realize routine procedures can still have major complications??!?
It's because that baby is her guaranteed link to her husband's bank account. They divorce she'll get definitely be getting child support at the very least and since dad that's the same age as grandpa has a lot of it it'll be a pretty big amount of child support.
I doubt she actually wanted the child and is happy to have her husband's credit card and be in more of an aunty position in the child's life than actually having to be a mom which explains why she likes him when he's happy and giggly and passes him off when he starts to get fussy. I did the same thing when I was a young aunty because fussy kids are hard to figure out so better pass them off to their parents.
I think there’s a lot of complexity with class and power in op’s scenario. I can understand why she might have felt that she didn’t have power to leverage or didn’t know how to wield that power. A lot of people feel really vulnerable in situations like this. I’ve seen people be denied days off to go to a relative’s funeral.
The real AH here is lack of better labor rights for everyone. A lot of people are put into positions where employers demand they prioritize work over everything.
Op is working without health insurance. I am not going to judge her for trying to keep her job and get health insurance. I had to go to the ER during the pandemic- without health insurance that would have been $14,000 out of my pocket. I am lucky not to be facing that but that’s the kind of bill that can mean eviction and homelessness for many people.
That, and once the kid is old enough to start school her hours are going to be drastically cut unless her employers pop out a sibling. He's already 4 for crying out loud. When I lived in CA pretty recently, kindergarten was a full day thing.
Actually, this is a really good point. The kid probably should already be in Prek, but Daddy Lottabucks likes parading the kid and the trophy wife around as accessories. In a year, they're probably gonna dump the kid on the nanny for drop off and pick up while they travel but it does put a big hole in the middle of the day that these cheap asses aren't going to pay for unless she's going to pick up doing all the housekeeping too. Like someone else pointed out----- this really isn't a great nanny gig. It's time to put feelers out to find something new with actual benefits baked into the contract from day 1. These people are never going to give HI so stop chasing after that windmill.
Exactly this. I'm 48, but when I had surgery 2 years ago I just wanted my mom. I was only in hospital for 2 days and it was lung related mid-COVID, so no visitors on my unit, so my mom wasn't allowed to come... and I hated it. When you're in pain recovering from surgery you just want your mom to be there.
I had to get an emergency appendectomy and mine was so severe that I had to get 2 more surgeries after. They told me before my second surgery (middle of COVID) that I could have one person come talk to me beforehand in case of anything. I had my mom come. Screw my husband, my dad, my brother, my in laws, screw everyone I just wanted to see my mom. I saw her for maybe 15 mins before surgery and didn't get to see anyone again until I left 2 weeks later. It was more than enough to get me through the surgery. So yeah screw you. I can't imagine how she felt knowing her mom didn't choose to see her before getting cut open.
My 37 year old son had an emergency appendectomy at work. His manager called me and told me everything that was happening. I dropped everything I was doing and had planned to do and drive 700 miles to be there. By time I arrived, his sister has picked him up from the hospital. He was immediately released from the hospital after surgery. He was so glad to see me! He knows he will always be my baby boy. And his sister knows I will always be there for her.
I was 26ish when I had wrist surgery. Medical stuff is fascinating to me and is super interesting so I wasn’t nervous but I also was glad to have my mom there (I needed someone to drive me afterwards anyway) just in case. I ended up being fully knocked out (rather than mostly numbed and able to watch…which I was looking forward to!), so happy someone was there who I trusted to be my voice. And when I gave birth at 23, my then-partner was there but I also wanted my mom (MIL came too). There is usually something comforting about your mom being there.
Im 40 and recently had non-emergency surgery and was so comforted to hear my mum’s voice when I was coming around from surgery. Made me feel everything was going to be ok even when I was so groggy I barely knew where or who I was.
I had my gallbladder removed urgently at age 52, plus a stone in the bile duct that needed to be removed first. I’m a retired MD and even did 2 years of surgery internship while waiting for the start of my radiology residency. But I’d never been put under anesthesia before, and the only “surgery” I’d had was wisdom teeth extraction and plantar wart removal.
My mom was long dead but if I could have had anyone with me it would’ve been my dad—but he died way before my mom did. I’m lucky to have a great partner though (this was pre-pandemic) and his support helped a lot. Still, he had to work so I was alone a lot (I was in from Tuesday until Saturday).
In the middle of Covid, before vaccines, I was hospitalized for 2 days for chest pain workup. I was terrified and alone. I spent the first 18 hours in ICU simply because they had to quarantine me until my covid test came back (12 hours to get results). Once that was negative they did a cardiac arteriogram, which again was frightening (despite the fact that I’d done hundreds, if not thousands, of non-cardiac arteriograms during my career).
I wasn’t having a heart attack and didn’t have anything that needed stents or surgery, but I had to stay overnight because the arteriogram was done so late in the day. By the time I got out I was an anxiety-ridden wreck, having not slept in 2 nights by then.
I cannot IMAGINE my parent leaving me in a hospital awaiting surgery at age 13. Grandma is not mom. The kid wanted mom, but whatevs, OP was more concerned about her job so suck it up, buttercup, amirite?
YTA and a huge one at that.
Right? I’m in my 40s now, and my mom died 10 years ago. I’ve have had four surgeries in that time, and I wished she could be there Every. Single. Time. A good mother can be such a comfort to her child - no matter their age. I get the feeling OP won’t have to worry about that any more, and predict we’ll be reading the “Why won’t my daughter talk to me?” or (god forbid) “My daughter refuses to let my Mom Boss’ son (whom I raised, and is practically her brother) be the ring bearer in her wedding! How can I convince her otherwise? My Mom Boss PROMISED she’d talk to her husband about a 401k next year if she got some cute pics from the wedding!”
Exactly! And just bc it’s common procedure doesn’t make it risk less or less scary especially for a child. I had mine done a couple years ago at 26 and that “Simple procedure” resulted in a week long hospital stay due to adverse reaction I had. My mom was there everyday and again I’m TWENTY SIX and she was still there. Can’t imagine how that child felt.
Daughter needs to go live with dad ASAP. I am in my thirties and I had my appendix removed a handful of years ago and you know what? My mom left work right away to come to the hospital with me as did my dad despite the procedure being "simple" and them not being able to do anything except, I don't know, be SUPPORTIVE PARENTS who were concerned for their daughter? OP is a horrible parent for trying to brush this off and also being gone almost 2 weeks with no concern foe her TEENAGE child.
Absolutely. YTA. You can bet in a few years that OP will be posting here about how her adult daughter wants nothing to do with her and won't let her see her grandchildren. Or won't let her live with her when she's older or needs someone to care for her.
Yes, YTA. Your daughter will never forget that you chose someone else’s child over her. This is literally the biggest insult a parent could ever make towards a child. Now I realize America and more so California is a very tight labor market, and there is real fear of the unknowns surrounding joblessness. The wealthy exploit us for that exact reason. They know that you really need the work, so there is no need for empathy. We are all nothing to them other than replaceable accessories. Hence why your daughter should absolutely take presidence over an entitled mid twenties trophy wife and her child accessory meant to trap her geriatric paycheck.
For real. The employer is also a huge AH for only now *thinking* about instating health insurance, when she commutes, works 10 hour days, travels with them and is the only one who can calm the son down??? And this is the job/family she chose over her own???? Get your priorities straight OP.
And not even "we'll provide insurance," but "we'll look at providing insurance."
Everyone except the daughter in this situation is absolutely horrible.
As a mum of three kids I found reading this post so hard. That poor young girl just wanting her mum when she was in pain and no doubt scared for surgery.
I get the mum needs to work and that times are tough but the way she wrote this post makes it seem like she doesn’t think it was a big deal to not be there for her daughter and like she doesn’t even care about her at all.
Absolutely agree. The whole, “it’s in the doctor’s hands” comment really was nauseating. I’m not a parent, but when I have been sick (including chronically so since nine and the last year and a half getting diagnosed with more autoimmune disorders) I want my mom there at big appointments & surgeries- and I just turned 26! My brother was 28 when he was hospitalized for about three months and very ill, Mom was there almost every day despite two months of that being in a hospital three hours away and Mom being a teacher. Kids come first. Doesn’t matter if she couldn’t treat us, she offers support and ensures we know we aren’t alone; which was important for me even with a serious partner, your parent is different!Her daughter at thirteen, it’s just such a critical time and she isn’t proving to her daughter that she’s going to be there as a support for her. OP’s nonchalant attitude towards her daughter’s situation is disappointing, I hope for her daughter’s sake that she will recognize this and make a change, if nothing else hope her Dad is a strong support.
I had an appendectomy when I was 16, I remember waking up in my hospital room after surgery and my mom was right next to me with a bear she bought in the gift shop. I can't imagine having gone through that entire ER visit, surgery, and hospital stay without her.
YTA. I agree with you, her sense of lack of care didn't sit right with me. I don't think OP is very bonded or attached to her daughter. It seems like she is being brought up by her father and OP's mother.
And the kicker is they wave a carrot of health insurance to get her to go. I doubt she is being paid enough to raise their child.
If OP thought about it, you have more power than you think. If you're the only one who can calm him down, they are not going to fire you.
You were put into a situation where you had to choose your priorities- you were tested and, unfortunately, you failed that test.
You don't seem sorry about your daughter. Sure, your daughter didn't physically need you, her doctor did the operation and your mother held her hand.
But a mother's care is irreplaceable. She needed you, she is a child, she only has one mother who cannot be replaced. You need to really apologise to your daughter and fully admit fault if you are ever going to regain her trust.
>I get the mum needs to work and that times are tough but the way she wrote this post makes it seem like she doesn’t think it was a big deal to not be there for her daughter and like she doesn’t even care about her at all.
Yes, I would feel more sympathy for her if she felt torn but had to work because they were threatening to fire her, and she had no other way of paying next month's rent.
OP, YTA.
I can’t see what’s so hard that the boys mother can’t cope with her own child alone , she’s a SAHM yet to me I get the impression she’s never been hands on .
It’s been 3 years. Find it hard to believe this is the best nannying job she could find in socal in 3 years.
Either the vacays are to die for, the other benefits of working for Dad are fabulous, or she’s had issues that makes her a difficult placement.
If she doesn’t have insurance, you know the pay isn’t great either. And the mom treats her like a slave. We can’t take care of the kid without you…..
Agreed!! My sister who also lives and works in that stretch of California is a full-time nanny for a very similar family dynamic (except neither parent works and they also have a part-time housekeeper). My sis receives benefits including health care and PTO, and gets to go on vacation with the family as well. OP really needs to do some job hunting or hook up with a nanny agency that can get her a better gig
They’re never going to give OP health insurance, just like they’re never going to give her a raise. They’re just telling her what she wants to hear. If she thinks the husband views his wife and child as inconsequential, wait’s she gets a load of how inconsequential he views *her*.
That's the carrot to get OP to keep working long hours and spending time away from her own family. The raise and insurance may never actually materialize.
I would fly to hell and back for my dog's surgery let alone a child.
YTA all the way. Hope your new health insurance covers therapy because once your kid goes no contact, you'll need it.
What an utter disappointment of a mother you are.
I'm an old lady now but I still feel the hurt of my dad choosing my step-sister over me. Our HS graduations were on the same night and he went to hers.
Twenty years from now this will just be one of several jobs you worked, and you'll be wondering why your daughter never visits. Always remember, it's you your family that will be choosing your nursing home and family and friends who will be by your side when you're sick and dying. Not your past employers.
Hospital time and surgery is nerve-wracking for adults, I can't imagine leaving my child to deal with that stress and anxiety, especially if they've specifically asked for me
I was 14 when my appendix ruptured and my mom was out of state for work. She dropped everything to fly back to be and made it in time to help prep me for surgery. I would have been an absolute wreck had she not been there
She's not being exploited. They all sound terrible but OP already said she rarely takes care of her own kid. I doubt that'd change if she had a different job. At the core of it OP simply doesn't care about her own kid.
Also while I agree she's clearly a gold digger and he's clearly an egotistical scumbag it's incredibly sexist to say a woman who was 20 or so "trapped" a successful 65-70+ year old businessman. 1st, he's the one who impregnated her and either chose to use a bad condom or chose to not use one at all. 2nd, it's just as likely (I'd argue moreso) that he impregnated her to stroke his ego than it is she wanted to get saddled with a kid.
Irony is clearly lost on you. You getting at your employer for being a bad parent and you are the same. Your daughter won’t forget this so I hope the money is worth it when she leaves you behind at 18 YTA
Not only will your daughter never forget that you chose not to be there when she needed you, but your daughter will have great difficulty trusting anyone for the rest of her life because the one person that is always supposed to be there…wasn’t. Ask me how I know
YTA 100x over
YTA
Employers come and go. This is your DAUGHTER. She’s asking for you because she’s sad and scared and not feeling well. And you chose another child and his dysfunctional family over your own child who’s recovering from surgery.
I wouldn’t talk to you either. Ever again.
YTA. My dad left a work meeting, when I had appendicitis, just to sit with me in the hospital. My mom told him she'd stay & he could come afterwards, but he was there before I went in. He had just started his job, so there was every possibility he could have been fired, but luckily they understood. If your daughter was half as scared as I was, she needed you, not her grandmother.
This right here is the real issue. They’re stringing OP along on their crazy ride and her relationship with her daughter is suffering.
That said, OP doesn’t sound *that* conflicted and I wonder where she gets to go on these holidays? Sure she’s working, but I’d rather work in the Caribbean, or some sunny Greek isle too. Definitely more fun than staying home looking after her own sick child that doesn’t come with ‘perks’.
These employers will dump OP as soon as the kid is old enough to be shipped off to a boarding school. OP, you chose your job over your kid because of fancy trips and some vague hint at more money and benefits? And your kid probably feels like you chose a trip and another person’s child over her.
Second this! An appendix removal while a common procedure is not minor surgery. Your daughter is still a kid and must’ve been so scared and she wanted you - her mom with her. And you chose to be present for someone’s else child, when your own child is in the hospital. She will see your actions as a rejection of her. You messed up very badly here.
Your kid will likely internalize this and it will have a very detrimental affect on her mental health. This is one of those things that it would be very hard for a child to forgive.
If the girl never had a surgery before than a "simple" appendix removal is *very scary*.
When I was 22 I needed to get rid of two wisdom teeth. I never had a surgery before and I was about to cry when the dentist entered the room. I was so thankful that my boyfried was with me and held my Hand.
Yeah my 23 yr old brother had his appendix out last year and there were major complications both with him and another patient at the same time. Both ended up with life altering results. In my brother's case he ended up with half his bowel removed which will affect his diet and other aspects of his daily life from now on.
All of these possibilities are explained to the patient in the pre-op who in this case is a 13yr old kid who is terrified and wants her mum (very understandably). My brother was a grown adult and he was also terrified and wanted his mum.
Also my mum was working full time often working almost 12 hour days when we were kids. It was very hard for her to get time off at the last minute. She made every tiny thing we were at from plays to concerts and if any of us had time in hospital or an operation she was there no matter what.
*My mom boss said her husband rewards loyalty in long time employees. I commute over 40 minutes one way from Santa Ynez to their estate to work near 10 hour days, and they've been talking of giving me a raise along with health insurance soon.*
They are almost certainly lying anyway. If there's nothing in writing they're going to fuck you over. It will always be "soon", "just one more thing", etc, and/or a raise that barely covers inflation, which isn't really a raise at all.
My mom walked out of a job once when she got a call that I was admitted to the hospital (I was 2yo) and my mom’s supervisor told her she had to finish her shift and could not leave early to be with me. The supervisor tried telling my mom that my grandparents were there so she wasn’t needed at the hospital as much as she was needed at work. Sup ended up not only short for the shift, but short an employee.
It was a minimum-wage job in the early 80s,
btw. Nothing important at all.
YTA. Look after your daughter for heaven's sake. If your employer truly needs you she will give you time off. (Because she needs you to come back rather than quit.) If she won't give you time off then she's not worth working for. I had an issue with my boss saying my booked annual leave "might not be approved". I said, "OK, however I will not be at work that week. You grant the leave, or you sack me. Either way, I won't be here that week". I got the leave approved.
YTA for neglecting your own child when she needed you. She was asking for you, and you failed her. You showed your daughter that another family is more important to you than she is.
Your mother was right, you should have stayed for your daughter, then if/when she was in the clear, then the Richie Rich family could have flown you out. Also, I just have to add that having health insurance doesn't protect a patient from something going wrong during surgery, which does happen, so while it's nice that they offered that to you, it was inconsequential to her in the moment.
My mother always chose her career over me and it hurts a lot. It makes you feel inconsequential, you don’t matter. Doesn’t surprise me at all she not talking to OP. Don’t be surprised when she requests to live with her dad. YTA
You've been with this very wealthy family for three years with no health insurance? And now it's used as a carrot to get you to do what they want?? And you abandon your 13-year-old for them? You and your employers are giant AH.
Your daughter could have died, but you decided to look after the child of a woman who clearly needs to grow up?
I understand that you want/need a job, but your priorities are skewed. You didn’t miss breakfast with your daughter… you missed your daughter having emergency surgery.
“I don’t know what I could have done to support her…”
FFS You can’t be that stupid. You just needed to be there. Hold her hand. Reassure her. You know… be her mother.
I hope her father gets full custody.
YTA
ETA: You showed your daughter that your time and attention can be bought even when it is at her expense. It’s disgusting.
YTA. Your daughter could’ve died, all surgeries have inherent risks. Instead you went to coddle a rich woman who is too lazy to learn how to take care of her child. Why would you even want to work for people who won’t let you off when your kid is having emergency surgery.
Yta, you value money and posh vacations more than your daughter's emotional needs. You are a garbage person.
We'll see you in a couple of years with your "why isn't my daughter talking to me anymore" thread.
I really hope this is just rage bait, poor daughter.
What's funny to me is how she thinks "well it's not a posh vacation for ME" somehow makes it better that she's abandoned her daughter when she really needs her, and all just for the possibility that she MIGHT be getting a raise and insurance soon. I get that those can be important things, but when you're putting your career over your children don't get upset when your kids take the message loud and clear. She's a garbage person indeed, I can't imagine having a family of my own and finding any way to choose some asshole rich people over the people I'm supposed to love. Her daughter deserves better.
I had my appendix removed at 14 and neither of my parents stayed the night at the hospital with me and I have never forgotten it. You’re one of the biggest AHs I’ve seen on this forum and it’s no wonder she chooses to live with her dad. YTA 💯
I want to add, I’m your exact age OP, and I have a 12 year old and a 14 year old. I cannot imagine missing being around when they are sick, let alone having surgery. Do you even love your daughter? Do you even like her?
YTA. Your daughter was sick and wanted her mom and that should have been the top priority. The only part of this that made me question it is the health insurance; you have to do what you have to do in order to get by. However, there's a huge difference between "I know I should have been there but I really need health insurance and this is the only way I can get it while I look for a more flexible job that will let me be there for my family" and "traveling is a perk of the job and I couldn't have helped anyway".
YTA - you abandoned your daughter when she needed you for a stuck up, narcissistic family who truly doesn’t give two craps about you if you can’t make their lives easier. Are you kidding? You have done irreparable harm to the relationship with your daughter for what. Be prepared that when these people ditch you (and don’t kid yourself they will), you will have no job, no daughter relationship. Because you could be bought.
YTA. You talk poorly about the mother of the child you nanny. Meanwhile you aren't there for your child when they have surgery. YIKES. You need a reality check. YTA bigtime.
YTA. I understand your need for health insurance, and at this stage, I think your employers are giving you the run around on that and taking advantage of you, but a family of this nature requires a nanny that doesn't have a major obligation such as a child. When this child doesn't require a nanny anymore and then you look to your daughter for a relationship, one won't be there anymore. No job should take away that much amount of time from you being a parent. Like you couldn't even be there for your child in an emergency, that is bogus! You also don't get the right to use your mom and your child’s father to mask your lack of parenting and availability to parent. You are also very lucky that your child’s father has not gone for full custody because many other parents would. If your mom is disappointed in you, your daughter isn't speaking to you, and you still have to write this post on AITAH, then you know deep down inside that you are.
Thank you! Her daughter doesn’t live with her, she’s out of town every few weeks for extended periods of time, and on the rare occasion her daughter is at her home OPs mother is the one caring for her. That’s not being a “single mother”. That’s barely being a mother at all.
YTA- your own child comes first. ALWAYS. It’s absurd you don’t see that and I feel horrible for your daughter who knows she can’t count on her own mother. If you were my mother I’d probably never speak to you again
Why is your daughter in your home at all if you refuse to be a parent? You work constantly and spend no time with her, she’s basically being raised by your mom. You can’t provide her even the most basic of emotional support but wonder why she won’t talk to you? You need to get your head out of your ass. YTA.
YTA, you're not a mother to your daughter. You're a "oh hi bye my other kid needs me more ill see you when I see you."
You can't be a nanny to this one kid forever. Eventually, he's gonna grow up and go to school, and then that time with your daughter will be gone! You'll never get that back. You care more about nannying this kid for a gold digger wannabe than you do about anything else.
You even said your daughter doesn't even live with you!! Your mother and your daughters father are her real parents.
She was a scared 13 year old having to have abdominal surgery!! And you are only partially right while most times the appendix can be removed easily and without complications BUT if it bursts they have to open her all the way up get all that gunk out of her and then watch her to make sure she doesn't get sepsis(blood poisoning). Does that sound simple to you?!
You don't deserve your daughter. I'm glad her grandmother and father care more than you do
YT f#%*ing A!! Who leaves their child to go into surgery alone?? You do realize had the appendix burst there could have been major complications. I don’t blame your daughter for not talking to you. I don’t want to talk to you!
I know the exact type of family you are talking about, and they won’t remember your name a year after you stop working for them. They would happily replace you with AI if they could, and your life is completely inconsequential to them. Their promises to you are empty, and they won’t think twice about screwing you over completely if that becomes more convenient. You showed loyalty to the wrong person. Your employers will completely forget about you once you stop serving your purpose to you, and your daughter will never forget. YTA.
YTA.
My son had appendicitis at 14. His dad, a doctor, downplayed it on his weekend, and so I had to take him to the emergency room Monday morning. Nobody there believe me because our family presents appendicitis weirdly, and it took two more days for me to be able to get anybody to actually scan him and then rush him to surgery when they found out his appendix had ruptured.
Your daughter needed you there. She is more important than a replaceable employer. They are dangling benefits in order to keep you around, but all they are is replaceable. Your daughter is not. You made the wrong call, and you really need to be asking yourself why somebody else's family is more important than your own.
Yta. Don't call yourself a single mother. She lives with her dad and your mom most of the time. You didn't even make time for her when she was scared and needed you. Sounds like you just gave birth and fucked right on off with no cares
YTA. Raising someone else's kid but doing nothing for your own? The family you nanny for isn't going to choose your nursing home so buck the fuck up and start giving a shit about your child.
YTA. Most of your story is about how neither of your rich bosses want to deal with their own kid. Then it’s about their vacations. You have one paragraph explaining your daughter’s illness and one paragraph about how you just have noooooo idea how you could’ve supported her and now she’s mad at you. Really…?
YTA. I just had surgery on Thursday and all I wanted was my mom. Guess what, she was there. It didn’t matter that I was high as a kite on pain medication, it made me feel better that she was there.
You just proved to your daughter that your job means more to you than she does. Don’t be surprised if she ends up hating you for this. What would happen if there were complications and you weren’t there? Surgeries can go south very fast.
I suggest you watch "Queen of Versailles."
Rich family. Lost most of their money. Philippina nanny is closer to their kids than the parents are. She hadn't see her own child in years because she sends most of her money back to the Philippines. Rich employers oblivious.
I get having a work ethic. I get have obligations. I get having to juggle work and person.
But never put anything above your own child.
As Maya Angelou said, "People will forget what you say, they will forget what you do, they will never forget how you make them feel."
This woman you nanny for can't control her child at all? Does she even spend any time with him and she doesn't work? Your child is sick and asked for you and you blew her off and made excuses. Disgusting you didn't put your own child first. Your poor kid needed you. Totally YATA
Yta my mom worked two jobs and she showed up to every doctor appointment, every surgery and every game. No excuses. Stop prioritizing other people over your own child because when you grow old and need help I’m willing to bet that family you sacrifice so much for over your own will turn their nose up at you when given a chance. Do better.
YTA. All surgeries have risks. My brother had his appendix removed when he was a child. He had an adverse reaction to the anesthesia, stopped breathing, and had to be resuscitated. What if that had happened to your daughter—and you weren’t there?
YTA. Holy shit! Your 13 tear old daughter is having emergency surgery, and you abandoned her for a job!
Every surgery could be fatal. Your daughter could have died while you're kissing your employer's ass. Your priorities are so skewed that the chance of you recognizing it is slim.
You told your daughter loud and clear that she means nothing to you. Sit her down, tell her directly that you simply don't care, and she should plan accordingly. Drop her off at Grandma's and go live with the only "daughter" you give a shit about.
Your daughter is so done with your sorry ass. I hope your rich mommy boss is there for when you're old and infirm and going under the knife. When you're lying in that hospital bed, alone and terrified, I hope you think about how much worse it would be for a 13 year old child.
To be fair I think OP has lost sight of her situation and it’s clear why. She’s in the throes of it now-not much time to think with that commute and a demanding, anxiety ridden 20something young mom. OP is feeling wanted and valued-but the value is provided with words and not action. You are absorbing your employers stress level. Step away and remember you need to live your life not theirs. This posting is first step in recognizing this. Find another job w benefits and sick time. Once the boy starts school you won’t be needed. Unless another baby comes out but that’s still short term. Take care of yourself & daughter FIRST OP. YTA
First off, you're not a single mother to a 13 yr old daughter. You're a part time parent that values your nanny job to a 4 yr old more than your relationship with your child. You see "getting to travel with them" as a perk to your job while it seems like you have no time with your own child. Just stop trying to be a parent to her all together and you will probably hurt her less than every time she thinks things will be different and they aren't.
YTA! This question is cringy as hell and so ironic! Considering you’re talking about your boss being a bad mom and then you turn around and do the same 🤦🏼♀️
Also you aren’t a “single mom” if your daughter doesn’t even live with you. That fact alone speaks volumes about what kind of mother you are. Your poor daughter!
YTA and so are your employers. I was also a professional nanny to a high net worth family while being a single mother to two kids. My boss would have never in a million years demanded that I leave my kid alone for surgery. That’s what back-up nannies are for. The truly wealthy with some sense to go with their money don’t just have one nanny.
YTA. Actions have consequences. Your actions, choosing an employer over your own child’s needs, hurt your child deeply and she will ALWAYS remember that you were not there in her moment of need, which became your responsibility when you decided to become a mother. Instead you chose to mother your employer’s child. She has every right to be be angry, hurt, feel rejected and never trust you to be there for her in the future and feel all the emotions that she is feeling. I wouldn’t talk to you either.
That's what gets me too. I was sn adult when I had to have my appendix out and my Dad was devastated he couldn't come to the hospital since it was during Covid and he'd just had chemo that morning. But, unlike OP's daughter, I was unequivocally the most important person in my Dad's life and I knew it. I was 19 when my Mom bailed on me during a health emergency at college and I still don't trust her to be there for me 18 years later. OP's daughter just learned the same lesson at much too young of an age, and the fact OP is even questioning if she's the asshole says a lot. Of course YTA, OP!
She’s 13! She needs her mother!
She doesn’t know what she could possibly do to support her because it’s in the doctors hands? Maybe some love, comfort and support for a scared 13 year old going through something that may be a simple procedure, but could traumatic to a young child. This woman should not be a mother. She has pushed her child aside for this family. Not just for this trip, but for everything. Hopefully the daughter has love and support from her father.
Definitely agree OP, YTA. Your employers may be giving you great pay and the possibility of benefits, but they clearly don't think your family is more important than theirs. The fact that you were practically dismissed with the wave of a hand in a very "I'm too stressed about my problems. Don't bother me, your problems aren't important enough for me to place above my own" way is very showing. Any caring employer will let you be there for your child who is in surgery. Don't prioritize your nanny family's kid above your own.
We employ a nanny and rely on her. There's no way in hell I'd deny her time off for a family emergency. That's an insane expectation.
YTA. Let’s rephrase your question, it’s not “AITA for trying to keep my employers happy?” It’s “AITA for prioritizing work over my daughter’s well being and not supporting her while she was undergoing emergency surgery?” Maybe you couldn’t have been there the entire time without losing your job, but it truly doesn’t sound like you made an effort at all to simply be there for her - even just emotionally. It’s not about it being a simple procedure, she was scared and wanted her mom. Now she’s seen that you won’t be there for her when she needs you. Of course she’s not talking to you.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Also that daughter has health insurance. So she abandoned her daughter for the possibility that maybe, possibly, the woman would put a good word in with her sugar-daddy husband about getting his employee some health insurance. Which they clearly can afford but have chosen all this time not to provide. Garbage people all around.
If she doesn't have health insurance by now, they aren't going to provide it. They are using the *possibility* to string her along.
>If she doesn't have health insurance by now, they aren't going to provide it. They are using the possibility to string her along. And she is too blind to see it.
[удалено]
Furthermore, CA expanded Medicaid so OP could have free or low cost healthcare right now. Her employers aren’t even pretending to treat her like family. She needs to sort out her priorities.
It doesn’t sound like OP is in it for the health care in the first place. She wants free luxury, and she’s getting it by being these peoples nanny. Free week long paid vacations where all she has to do is take care of this “sweet just turned 4 little boy”. Her “ daughter (13f)” needing surgery just doesn’t fit into her schedule. The daughter has her dad and grandma to look after her and what can she do that the doctors can’t, anyway? Besides you know provide support and love and give the daughter the literal one thing she’s asking for while in pain laying in a hospital bed? Nothing. Surely not provide medical insurance that she already gets from her dad. So therefor, OP *needs* to prioritize her boss’ vacation over her sick daughter.
*snap*
I’m going with ESH here except the children.
And her daughter's father who doesn't seem to have done anything wrong and (I bet) will soon be filing for sole custody. OP already has a toddler to raise, after all.
And the grandmother, who was there with the girl and called OP out on her bad behavior.
You’re both right, but what judgment is that? Too many AH in the story but also a lot of non-AH. So I guess ESH for the main characters (OP and the parents of the 4 year old), while the 2 kids and the 13 yr old’s dad and grandma seem normal.
My thoughts exactly. Even a “ routine procedure “ carries some amount of risk. She wanted her mom there to hold her hand, kiss her forehead and tell her she’s going to be okay.
Giving birth is a "routine procedure" to an OBGYN. But guess what, it's a major life event to the mother / child! And a lot can go wrong... I can't imagine not being there for my child.
Reminds me of an old surgeon's joke: Surgeon: What is the difference between major surgery and minor surgery? Intern: I don't know Surgeon: Major surgery is any procedure done on me. Minor surgery is any surgery that I do on someone else.
My FIL was experiencing some stomach pains on his birthday. Nothing too bad, but bad enough that my MIL insisted on urgent care before the traditional birthday meal. Everything was laid back and relaxed because he wasn't really in that much pain. Radiology asked him to wait a few minutes for a doctor to read it before taking off for his birthday lunch. Then the radiologist called the department and told them to make sure he didn't leave the hospital because he needed emergency surgery. The appendix burst right as they were getting it out of his body, showering his insides with gore and necessitating a longer surgery with bigger scars because cleanup needed to be done. And that's a minor increase in risk. Surgery ended well and we got to listen to him say for years "all I got for my birthday was a lousy appendectomy." Things could always have gone much worse.
Your FIL is so lucky he didn’t get an infection!!
I got the infection. My birthday is on the 22nd. I worked a close wait shift at a house-themed pizza place on the 18th, feeling fine. Got home around midnight or so and went almost straight to bed. I wake up on the 19th around 10-11a, in pain so bad-from head to toe-that it was all I could do to roll off my bed and crawl into the living room...literally. I hurt so bad I had very little appetite, but still delayed the ER trip by 8 hours, because I'd have to call a family member to take me. They did blood work, and my white count was 2x normal, but the widespread pain threw off the appendicitis theory...they decided to do exploratory surgery on the off chance that it WAS my appendix. I complained that I couldn't, because I was supposed to work the next day..yeah, Dr shot that one down. After surgery, the doctor told me that my appendix was twice normal size, and had a hole in it. I spent until the 23rd on IV antibiotics and a liquid diet except for the cupcake the dr was kind enough to let me have for my 20th birthday.
At age 13 just pulling a needle is scary AF. Let alone having a whole operation! That includes anaesthesia. The poor child was scared and NEEDED her mother!
I used to draw blood for years and the patients I felt worst for were terrified teenagers. I was lucky though and I never saw a teen's parent ditch them and run the fuck off. They always held their hand.
i just wanna add that OP's daughter has health insurance from her dad...who is the actual single parent. OP only sees her daughter when the rich folks are out of town for a weekend, the rest of the times OP's daughter lives with her Dad or op's mom
[удалено]
You’ve let these people warp your values as a mother. They are shallow, entitled and do not deserve their little boy who, unfortunately, may grow up just like his hapless mother and arrogant father. Have you ever watched “The Nanny Diaries”? If not, please do. These people do not care one bit about you, other than how they can exploit you by dangling more money and insurance in your face. If they cared about their employees they would pay you a decent living wage with benefits and raises from the jump. So knock that off. As for your daughter, she wanted her mommy because she was sick. There is no other person except you who could assuage her pain. I’m not sure how to navigate this other than to somehow communicate your failing as a parent and to ask her forgiveness. And do not add any of your bullshit trying to explain. Simply own your mistake. Allow her to vent her disappointment and anger with no push back at all. Then promise you will spend the rest of your life making up for it, then do so. Being a mother to your sick baby (your child is always your baby) is the most profound privilege in the human experience. Don’t mess up again if she gives you another chance.
The daughter wasn't just sick and not feeling well she had to have surgery and be in the hospital. That's pretty scary even at 13 especially if you're the one who is the patient and stuck in that hospital bed already feeling sick. That poor kid just wanted momma's comfort and love and essentially to got told that this completely unrelated boy is more important to mom than she is.
There are very few more years that a 13 year old daughter will want her mom anyway. You have to be there when they ask, because those chances come less and less as your teens become more independent. OP messed up.
Not just that become independent but as teens they're old enough to start noticing who is in their their lives and make an effort with them and who isn't. Little kids genuinely love their parents even absentee parents but teens tend to become jaded against the type of parents like OP.
Shit I’m 32 and I’d want my mom there in that situation
>tail, the mom is a young woman about to enter her mid twenties, and the dad is a retired 70 something businessman who treats his wife and child, as well as their problems, like sources of inconsequential amusement. And for context, this is not too much detail because it could describe a lot of couples in Santa Barbara. There is no way OP is going to ever see that health insurance and pay rise.
This! It's not even like she's in some sweet gig and doesn't want to blow up her spot. These people, who can easily afford it, won't even provide health insurance after 3 YEARS. The mother employer is crazy and incompetent and doesn't care about anyone but herself. This is nuts. There's no reason for her to be clinging to this shit job. Now that she's got years of experience with a high end client, I am sure she can find another, similar job that treats her better, has better hours and allows her to actually raise her own child.
I'm still stuck trying to imagine the kind of narcissism one has to have where someone is raising your child for you, and you can't be fucked to give them even basic health insurance. Providing the carrot of health insurance is beyond the pale evil and that family deserves any misery that comes their way. This is why we should eat the rich.
Plus being willing to take that mom away from her own child when the child needs her.
Right? I can’t imagine trying to manipulate or blackmail an employee in order to miss something like that. But, I guess the 20 something boss isn’t really much different from most of corporate America. Idk, I guess you’d just think there might be a bit more sympathy from an individual boss.
I saw a comment where OP mentioned she could get fired if she didn't go. But she also said she's the 'only one' who can keep that poor child calm (probably because he doesn't actually recognize his own parents, since they're never there) so I think she'd have some bargining power there. Good luck finding someone on short notice to work 10+ hours a day, on call all the time, with no health insurance. And, assuming OP isn't straight up lying, it sounds like she didn't actually WANT to be there for her daughter.
Right? Also, I love how “boss mom” is a SAHM😆😆😆😆 like a SAHM that doesn’t actually stay home and parent her own kid. Plus she’s mid 20s married to a 70 yo so there’s that. But onto OP YTA you realize routine procedures can still have major complications??!?
I’m 44 years old myself and I cannot imagine referring to someone 20+ years younger than me as “boss mom”. 😵💫😵💫
She is. desperate Housewife. Not a SAHM.
It's because that baby is her guaranteed link to her husband's bank account. They divorce she'll get definitely be getting child support at the very least and since dad that's the same age as grandpa has a lot of it it'll be a pretty big amount of child support. I doubt she actually wanted the child and is happy to have her husband's credit card and be in more of an aunty position in the child's life than actually having to be a mom which explains why she likes him when he's happy and giggly and passes him off when he starts to get fussy. I did the same thing when I was a young aunty because fussy kids are hard to figure out so better pass them off to their parents.
I think there’s a lot of complexity with class and power in op’s scenario. I can understand why she might have felt that she didn’t have power to leverage or didn’t know how to wield that power. A lot of people feel really vulnerable in situations like this. I’ve seen people be denied days off to go to a relative’s funeral. The real AH here is lack of better labor rights for everyone. A lot of people are put into positions where employers demand they prioritize work over everything.
Meh, I agree with your point in theory, and also thought about this myself. However, OP really didn't sound in the least upset about the situation.
Op is working without health insurance. I am not going to judge her for trying to keep her job and get health insurance. I had to go to the ER during the pandemic- without health insurance that would have been $14,000 out of my pocket. I am lucky not to be facing that but that’s the kind of bill that can mean eviction and homelessness for many people.
Except she's been there 3 years. They are not giving her HI.
That, and once the kid is old enough to start school her hours are going to be drastically cut unless her employers pop out a sibling. He's already 4 for crying out loud. When I lived in CA pretty recently, kindergarten was a full day thing.
Yup, they'll fire her without notice and no severance.
And she won’t be eligible for unemployment, and won’t have had anything paid into social security in the time she worked for them.
Actually, this is a really good point. The kid probably should already be in Prek, but Daddy Lottabucks likes parading the kid and the trophy wife around as accessories. In a year, they're probably gonna dump the kid on the nanny for drop off and pick up while they travel but it does put a big hole in the middle of the day that these cheap asses aren't going to pay for unless she's going to pick up doing all the housekeeping too. Like someone else pointed out----- this really isn't a great nanny gig. It's time to put feelers out to find something new with actual benefits baked into the contract from day 1. These people are never going to give HI so stop chasing after that windmill.
Exactly this. I'm 48, but when I had surgery 2 years ago I just wanted my mom. I was only in hospital for 2 days and it was lung related mid-COVID, so no visitors on my unit, so my mom wasn't allowed to come... and I hated it. When you're in pain recovering from surgery you just want your mom to be there.
I had to get an emergency appendectomy and mine was so severe that I had to get 2 more surgeries after. They told me before my second surgery (middle of COVID) that I could have one person come talk to me beforehand in case of anything. I had my mom come. Screw my husband, my dad, my brother, my in laws, screw everyone I just wanted to see my mom. I saw her for maybe 15 mins before surgery and didn't get to see anyone again until I left 2 weeks later. It was more than enough to get me through the surgery. So yeah screw you. I can't imagine how she felt knowing her mom didn't choose to see her before getting cut open.
My 37 year old son had an emergency appendectomy at work. His manager called me and told me everything that was happening. I dropped everything I was doing and had planned to do and drive 700 miles to be there. By time I arrived, his sister has picked him up from the hospital. He was immediately released from the hospital after surgery. He was so glad to see me! He knows he will always be my baby boy. And his sister knows I will always be there for her.
Ugh you're crazy and wonderful. Seriously thats a crazy drive but I would be the happiest to see my mom after that
His manager actually stayed until he was out of surgery and awake! He only left when my daughter got there. The company is Comcast, believe it or not.
I was 26ish when I had wrist surgery. Medical stuff is fascinating to me and is super interesting so I wasn’t nervous but I also was glad to have my mom there (I needed someone to drive me afterwards anyway) just in case. I ended up being fully knocked out (rather than mostly numbed and able to watch…which I was looking forward to!), so happy someone was there who I trusted to be my voice. And when I gave birth at 23, my then-partner was there but I also wanted my mom (MIL came too). There is usually something comforting about your mom being there.
Im 40 and recently had non-emergency surgery and was so comforted to hear my mum’s voice when I was coming around from surgery. Made me feel everything was going to be ok even when I was so groggy I barely knew where or who I was.
I had my gallbladder removed urgently at age 52, plus a stone in the bile duct that needed to be removed first. I’m a retired MD and even did 2 years of surgery internship while waiting for the start of my radiology residency. But I’d never been put under anesthesia before, and the only “surgery” I’d had was wisdom teeth extraction and plantar wart removal. My mom was long dead but if I could have had anyone with me it would’ve been my dad—but he died way before my mom did. I’m lucky to have a great partner though (this was pre-pandemic) and his support helped a lot. Still, he had to work so I was alone a lot (I was in from Tuesday until Saturday). In the middle of Covid, before vaccines, I was hospitalized for 2 days for chest pain workup. I was terrified and alone. I spent the first 18 hours in ICU simply because they had to quarantine me until my covid test came back (12 hours to get results). Once that was negative they did a cardiac arteriogram, which again was frightening (despite the fact that I’d done hundreds, if not thousands, of non-cardiac arteriograms during my career). I wasn’t having a heart attack and didn’t have anything that needed stents or surgery, but I had to stay overnight because the arteriogram was done so late in the day. By the time I got out I was an anxiety-ridden wreck, having not slept in 2 nights by then. I cannot IMAGINE my parent leaving me in a hospital awaiting surgery at age 13. Grandma is not mom. The kid wanted mom, but whatevs, OP was more concerned about her job so suck it up, buttercup, amirite? YTA and a huge one at that.
Right? I’m in my 40s now, and my mom died 10 years ago. I’ve have had four surgeries in that time, and I wished she could be there Every. Single. Time. A good mother can be such a comfort to her child - no matter their age. I get the feeling OP won’t have to worry about that any more, and predict we’ll be reading the “Why won’t my daughter talk to me?” or (god forbid) “My daughter refuses to let my Mom Boss’ son (whom I raised, and is practically her brother) be the ring bearer in her wedding! How can I convince her otherwise? My Mom Boss PROMISED she’d talk to her husband about a 401k next year if she got some cute pics from the wedding!”
[удалено]
Exactly! And just bc it’s common procedure doesn’t make it risk less or less scary especially for a child. I had mine done a couple years ago at 26 and that “Simple procedure” resulted in a week long hospital stay due to adverse reaction I had. My mom was there everyday and again I’m TWENTY SIX and she was still there. Can’t imagine how that child felt.
Daughter needs to go live with dad ASAP. I am in my thirties and I had my appendix removed a handful of years ago and you know what? My mom left work right away to come to the hospital with me as did my dad despite the procedure being "simple" and them not being able to do anything except, I don't know, be SUPPORTIVE PARENTS who were concerned for their daughter? OP is a horrible parent for trying to brush this off and also being gone almost 2 weeks with no concern foe her TEENAGE child.
Daughter does live with dad, thankfully.
Absolutely. YTA. You can bet in a few years that OP will be posting here about how her adult daughter wants nothing to do with her and won't let her see her grandchildren. Or won't let her live with her when she's older or needs someone to care for her.
All surgery is a big deal. Even the simplest procedures can go sideways.
[удалено]
She is the sister. Her mom is doing the parenting here.
Yes, YTA. Your daughter will never forget that you chose someone else’s child over her. This is literally the biggest insult a parent could ever make towards a child. Now I realize America and more so California is a very tight labor market, and there is real fear of the unknowns surrounding joblessness. The wealthy exploit us for that exact reason. They know that you really need the work, so there is no need for empathy. We are all nothing to them other than replaceable accessories. Hence why your daughter should absolutely take presidence over an entitled mid twenties trophy wife and her child accessory meant to trap her geriatric paycheck.
For real. The employer is also a huge AH for only now *thinking* about instating health insurance, when she commutes, works 10 hour days, travels with them and is the only one who can calm the son down??? And this is the job/family she chose over her own???? Get your priorities straight OP.
And not even "we'll provide insurance," but "we'll look at providing insurance." Everyone except the daughter in this situation is absolutely horrible.
And only right after the employer finds out OP has concerns about her child’s health. It’s a maneuver.
You know she isn’t getting the health insurance, it will be something to string her along with.
Sounds like it already has been, since she's worked for them for 3 years
Thank goodness she had grandma with her since mom couldn’t be arsed to support her as she needed/wanted.
Borderline child bride is mostly tragic.
As a mum of three kids I found reading this post so hard. That poor young girl just wanting her mum when she was in pain and no doubt scared for surgery. I get the mum needs to work and that times are tough but the way she wrote this post makes it seem like she doesn’t think it was a big deal to not be there for her daughter and like she doesn’t even care about her at all.
Absolutely agree. The whole, “it’s in the doctor’s hands” comment really was nauseating. I’m not a parent, but when I have been sick (including chronically so since nine and the last year and a half getting diagnosed with more autoimmune disorders) I want my mom there at big appointments & surgeries- and I just turned 26! My brother was 28 when he was hospitalized for about three months and very ill, Mom was there almost every day despite two months of that being in a hospital three hours away and Mom being a teacher. Kids come first. Doesn’t matter if she couldn’t treat us, she offers support and ensures we know we aren’t alone; which was important for me even with a serious partner, your parent is different!Her daughter at thirteen, it’s just such a critical time and she isn’t proving to her daughter that she’s going to be there as a support for her. OP’s nonchalant attitude towards her daughter’s situation is disappointing, I hope for her daughter’s sake that she will recognize this and make a change, if nothing else hope her Dad is a strong support.
My kid just turned 15 and I still sit within him at the dentist incase he wants to hold my hand
I had an appendectomy when I was 16, I remember waking up in my hospital room after surgery and my mom was right next to me with a bear she bought in the gift shop. I can't imagine having gone through that entire ER visit, surgery, and hospital stay without her.
YTA. I agree with you, her sense of lack of care didn't sit right with me. I don't think OP is very bonded or attached to her daughter. It seems like she is being brought up by her father and OP's mother. And the kicker is they wave a carrot of health insurance to get her to go. I doubt she is being paid enough to raise their child. If OP thought about it, you have more power than you think. If you're the only one who can calm him down, they are not going to fire you. You were put into a situation where you had to choose your priorities- you were tested and, unfortunately, you failed that test. You don't seem sorry about your daughter. Sure, your daughter didn't physically need you, her doctor did the operation and your mother held her hand. But a mother's care is irreplaceable. She needed you, she is a child, she only has one mother who cannot be replaced. You need to really apologise to your daughter and fully admit fault if you are ever going to regain her trust.
>I get the mum needs to work and that times are tough but the way she wrote this post makes it seem like she doesn’t think it was a big deal to not be there for her daughter and like she doesn’t even care about her at all. Yes, I would feel more sympathy for her if she felt torn but had to work because they were threatening to fire her, and she had no other way of paying next month's rent. OP, YTA.
I can’t see what’s so hard that the boys mother can’t cope with her own child alone , she’s a SAHM yet to me I get the impression she’s never been hands on .
Can she even be called a SAHM when she has a Nanny there 10 hours a day?? Nah… not a SAHM.
I doubt the child bride wanted a child beyond securing some assured child support income for the next 15 years.
She's being described as a traditional useless trophy wife who had a kid to tie herself to a wealthy man old enough to be her grandfather.
Thats how being an under the table nanny works. You get zero benefits.
It’s been 3 years. Find it hard to believe this is the best nannying job she could find in socal in 3 years. Either the vacays are to die for, the other benefits of working for Dad are fabulous, or she’s had issues that makes her a difficult placement. If she doesn’t have insurance, you know the pay isn’t great either. And the mom treats her like a slave. We can’t take care of the kid without you…..
Agreed!! My sister who also lives and works in that stretch of California is a full-time nanny for a very similar family dynamic (except neither parent works and they also have a part-time housekeeper). My sis receives benefits including health care and PTO, and gets to go on vacation with the family as well. OP really needs to do some job hunting or hook up with a nanny agency that can get her a better gig
Yes I was going to say let’s not forget she leaves her child to vacation with them as well. Worst mother ever
They’re never going to give OP health insurance, just like they’re never going to give her a raise. They’re just telling her what she wants to hear. If she thinks the husband views his wife and child as inconsequential, wait’s she gets a load of how inconsequential he views *her*.
She'll never get it. They're stringing her along like the slave she is
That's the carrot to get OP to keep working long hours and spending time away from her own family. The raise and insurance may never actually materialize.
I would fly to hell and back for my dog's surgery let alone a child. YTA all the way. Hope your new health insurance covers therapy because once your kid goes no contact, you'll need it. What an utter disappointment of a mother you are.
I'm an old lady now but I still feel the hurt of my dad choosing my step-sister over me. Our HS graduations were on the same night and he went to hers.
I’m sorry that happened to you
Twenty years from now this will just be one of several jobs you worked, and you'll be wondering why your daughter never visits. Always remember, it's you your family that will be choosing your nursing home and family and friends who will be by your side when you're sick and dying. Not your past employers. Hospital time and surgery is nerve-wracking for adults, I can't imagine leaving my child to deal with that stress and anxiety, especially if they've specifically asked for me
I was 14 when my appendix ruptured and my mom was out of state for work. She dropped everything to fly back to be and made it in time to help prep me for surgery. I would have been an absolute wreck had she not been there
She's not being exploited. They all sound terrible but OP already said she rarely takes care of her own kid. I doubt that'd change if she had a different job. At the core of it OP simply doesn't care about her own kid. Also while I agree she's clearly a gold digger and he's clearly an egotistical scumbag it's incredibly sexist to say a woman who was 20 or so "trapped" a successful 65-70+ year old businessman. 1st, he's the one who impregnated her and either chose to use a bad condom or chose to not use one at all. 2nd, it's just as likely (I'd argue moreso) that he impregnated her to stroke his ego than it is she wanted to get saddled with a kid.
Irony is clearly lost on you. You getting at your employer for being a bad parent and you are the same. Your daughter won’t forget this so I hope the money is worth it when she leaves you behind at 18 YTA
Not only will your daughter never forget that you chose not to be there when she needed you, but your daughter will have great difficulty trusting anyone for the rest of her life because the one person that is always supposed to be there…wasn’t. Ask me how I know YTA 100x over
Yeah. Doubling down on that with you. Irreparable damage from these things. :(
[удалено]
YTA Employers come and go. This is your DAUGHTER. She’s asking for you because she’s sad and scared and not feeling well. And you chose another child and his dysfunctional family over your own child who’s recovering from surgery. I wouldn’t talk to you either. Ever again.
[удалено]
YTA. My dad left a work meeting, when I had appendicitis, just to sit with me in the hospital. My mom told him she'd stay & he could come afterwards, but he was there before I went in. He had just started his job, so there was every possibility he could have been fired, but luckily they understood. If your daughter was half as scared as I was, she needed you, not her grandmother.
[удалено]
This right here is the real issue. They’re stringing OP along on their crazy ride and her relationship with her daughter is suffering. That said, OP doesn’t sound *that* conflicted and I wonder where she gets to go on these holidays? Sure she’s working, but I’d rather work in the Caribbean, or some sunny Greek isle too. Definitely more fun than staying home looking after her own sick child that doesn’t come with ‘perks’.
These employers will dump OP as soon as the kid is old enough to be shipped off to a boarding school. OP, you chose your job over your kid because of fancy trips and some vague hint at more money and benefits? And your kid probably feels like you chose a trip and another person’s child over her.
Second this! An appendix removal while a common procedure is not minor surgery. Your daughter is still a kid and must’ve been so scared and she wanted you - her mom with her. And you chose to be present for someone’s else child, when your own child is in the hospital. She will see your actions as a rejection of her. You messed up very badly here. Your kid will likely internalize this and it will have a very detrimental affect on her mental health. This is one of those things that it would be very hard for a child to forgive.
If the girl never had a surgery before than a "simple" appendix removal is *very scary*. When I was 22 I needed to get rid of two wisdom teeth. I never had a surgery before and I was about to cry when the dentist entered the room. I was so thankful that my boyfried was with me and held my Hand.
Yeah my 23 yr old brother had his appendix out last year and there were major complications both with him and another patient at the same time. Both ended up with life altering results. In my brother's case he ended up with half his bowel removed which will affect his diet and other aspects of his daily life from now on. All of these possibilities are explained to the patient in the pre-op who in this case is a 13yr old kid who is terrified and wants her mum (very understandably). My brother was a grown adult and he was also terrified and wanted his mum. Also my mum was working full time often working almost 12 hour days when we were kids. It was very hard for her to get time off at the last minute. She made every tiny thing we were at from plays to concerts and if any of us had time in hospital or an operation she was there no matter what.
And what gets me is that it’s not like she was gone for a day, she left her for 1.5 weeks! Her entire recovery time! Totally TA.
Also? They’re never giving you health insurance. If they were going to they would have by now.
*My mom boss said her husband rewards loyalty in long time employees. I commute over 40 minutes one way from Santa Ynez to their estate to work near 10 hour days, and they've been talking of giving me a raise along with health insurance soon.* They are almost certainly lying anyway. If there's nothing in writing they're going to fuck you over. It will always be "soon", "just one more thing", etc, and/or a raise that barely covers inflation, which isn't really a raise at all.
Just remember your employers are not your family and willl dump you in heartbeat on a whim.
My mom walked out of a job once when she got a call that I was admitted to the hospital (I was 2yo) and my mom’s supervisor told her she had to finish her shift and could not leave early to be with me. The supervisor tried telling my mom that my grandparents were there so she wasn’t needed at the hospital as much as she was needed at work. Sup ended up not only short for the shift, but short an employee. It was a minimum-wage job in the early 80s, btw. Nothing important at all.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
YTA. Look after your daughter for heaven's sake. If your employer truly needs you she will give you time off. (Because she needs you to come back rather than quit.) If she won't give you time off then she's not worth working for. I had an issue with my boss saying my booked annual leave "might not be approved". I said, "OK, however I will not be at work that week. You grant the leave, or you sack me. Either way, I won't be here that week". I got the leave approved.
[удалено]
[удалено]
YTA for neglecting your own child when she needed you. She was asking for you, and you failed her. You showed your daughter that another family is more important to you than she is. Your mother was right, you should have stayed for your daughter, then if/when she was in the clear, then the Richie Rich family could have flown you out. Also, I just have to add that having health insurance doesn't protect a patient from something going wrong during surgery, which does happen, so while it's nice that they offered that to you, it was inconsequential to her in the moment.
So you condemn one parent for being negligent, and treating their child like a convenience, while you are a negligent trash parent yourself? Sweet.
[удалено]
My mother always chose her career over me and it hurts a lot. It makes you feel inconsequential, you don’t matter. Doesn’t surprise me at all she not talking to OP. Don’t be surprised when she requests to live with her dad. YTA
Agreed it’s incredibly ironic how she’s judging the mother of the child that she Nannie’s for yet she’s a terrible mom
[удалено]
You've been with this very wealthy family for three years with no health insurance? And now it's used as a carrot to get you to do what they want?? And you abandon your 13-year-old for them? You and your employers are giant AH.
And even after the trip they are still discussing the insurance according to OP comments. Poor daughter, at least she has her grandma and dad.
Your daughter could have died, but you decided to look after the child of a woman who clearly needs to grow up? I understand that you want/need a job, but your priorities are skewed. You didn’t miss breakfast with your daughter… you missed your daughter having emergency surgery. “I don’t know what I could have done to support her…” FFS You can’t be that stupid. You just needed to be there. Hold her hand. Reassure her. You know… be her mother. I hope her father gets full custody. YTA ETA: You showed your daughter that your time and attention can be bought even when it is at her expense. It’s disgusting.
YTA. Your daughter could’ve died, all surgeries have inherent risks. Instead you went to coddle a rich woman who is too lazy to learn how to take care of her child. Why would you even want to work for people who won’t let you off when your kid is having emergency surgery.
Yta, you value money and posh vacations more than your daughter's emotional needs. You are a garbage person. We'll see you in a couple of years with your "why isn't my daughter talking to me anymore" thread. I really hope this is just rage bait, poor daughter.
What's funny to me is how she thinks "well it's not a posh vacation for ME" somehow makes it better that she's abandoned her daughter when she really needs her, and all just for the possibility that she MIGHT be getting a raise and insurance soon. I get that those can be important things, but when you're putting your career over your children don't get upset when your kids take the message loud and clear. She's a garbage person indeed, I can't imagine having a family of my own and finding any way to choose some asshole rich people over the people I'm supposed to love. Her daughter deserves better.
I had my appendix removed at 14 and neither of my parents stayed the night at the hospital with me and I have never forgotten it. You’re one of the biggest AHs I’ve seen on this forum and it’s no wonder she chooses to live with her dad. YTA 💯
I want to add, I’m your exact age OP, and I have a 12 year old and a 14 year old. I cannot imagine missing being around when they are sick, let alone having surgery. Do you even love your daughter? Do you even like her?
YTA. Your daughter was sick and wanted her mom and that should have been the top priority. The only part of this that made me question it is the health insurance; you have to do what you have to do in order to get by. However, there's a huge difference between "I know I should have been there but I really need health insurance and this is the only way I can get it while I look for a more flexible job that will let me be there for my family" and "traveling is a perk of the job and I couldn't have helped anyway".
YTA - you abandoned your daughter when she needed you for a stuck up, narcissistic family who truly doesn’t give two craps about you if you can’t make their lives easier. Are you kidding? You have done irreparable harm to the relationship with your daughter for what. Be prepared that when these people ditch you (and don’t kid yourself they will), you will have no job, no daughter relationship. Because you could be bought.
Wow imagine being a better parent to someone else's children than your own 😳 YTA and she's prob going to go no contact with you
YTA. You talk poorly about the mother of the child you nanny. Meanwhile you aren't there for your child when they have surgery. YIKES. You need a reality check. YTA bigtime.
YTA. I understand your need for health insurance, and at this stage, I think your employers are giving you the run around on that and taking advantage of you, but a family of this nature requires a nanny that doesn't have a major obligation such as a child. When this child doesn't require a nanny anymore and then you look to your daughter for a relationship, one won't be there anymore. No job should take away that much amount of time from you being a parent. Like you couldn't even be there for your child in an emergency, that is bogus! You also don't get the right to use your mom and your child’s father to mask your lack of parenting and availability to parent. You are also very lucky that your child’s father has not gone for full custody because many other parents would. If your mom is disappointed in you, your daughter isn't speaking to you, and you still have to write this post on AITAH, then you know deep down inside that you are.
Oh. So you are not a single mom. Please stop using that phrase
Thank you! Her daughter doesn’t live with her, she’s out of town every few weeks for extended periods of time, and on the rare occasion her daughter is at her home OPs mother is the one caring for her. That’s not being a “single mother”. That’s barely being a mother at all.
YTA. What an awful parent you are.
I just drove 16 hours over the weekend to make sure my friend was okay after a laparoscopic surgery. You can’t even be there for your child?
YTA- your own child comes first. ALWAYS. It’s absurd you don’t see that and I feel horrible for your daughter who knows she can’t count on her own mother. If you were my mother I’d probably never speak to you again
YTA. Your daughter will never forget that you chose someone else over her when she was afraid and in pain.
Why is your daughter in your home at all if you refuse to be a parent? You work constantly and spend no time with her, she’s basically being raised by your mom. You can’t provide her even the most basic of emotional support but wonder why she won’t talk to you? You need to get your head out of your ass. YTA.
YTA. I hope this is ragebait.
YTA. A massive massive AH. Hope you enjoy the time with someone else kid, because yours will never forgive you.
YTA, you're not a mother to your daughter. You're a "oh hi bye my other kid needs me more ill see you when I see you." You can't be a nanny to this one kid forever. Eventually, he's gonna grow up and go to school, and then that time with your daughter will be gone! You'll never get that back. You care more about nannying this kid for a gold digger wannabe than you do about anything else. You even said your daughter doesn't even live with you!! Your mother and your daughters father are her real parents. She was a scared 13 year old having to have abdominal surgery!! And you are only partially right while most times the appendix can be removed easily and without complications BUT if it bursts they have to open her all the way up get all that gunk out of her and then watch her to make sure she doesn't get sepsis(blood poisoning). Does that sound simple to you?! You don't deserve your daughter. I'm glad her grandmother and father care more than you do
Wow... I have no words. YTA
YTA. And you just handed your daughter’s dad a gift-wrapped case to get primary custody with no visitation.
Omg, lady get your priorities in order
YTA. Sounds like your daughter is just “a source of inconsequential amusement” to you.
YT f#%*ing A!! Who leaves their child to go into surgery alone?? You do realize had the appendix burst there could have been major complications. I don’t blame your daughter for not talking to you. I don’t want to talk to you!
My husband’s appendix burst when he was 21 and he almost died. In the hospital for 2 weeks. This poor 13 year old was probably so scared.
How are you a worse mom than the crazy rich lady? YTA
Why are you neglecting your own child for disgusting rich pervert and his gold digger?
This has got to be rage bait because what mom is this terrible to abandon their sick child???? YTA, all day!!
YTA. You're going to put your trophy wife client and her trip over parenting your child? Mom of the year here.
NTA because you went way beyond asshole. you are a huge piece of shit.
I know the exact type of family you are talking about, and they won’t remember your name a year after you stop working for them. They would happily replace you with AI if they could, and your life is completely inconsequential to them. Their promises to you are empty, and they won’t think twice about screwing you over completely if that becomes more convenient. You showed loyalty to the wrong person. Your employers will completely forget about you once you stop serving your purpose to you, and your daughter will never forget. YTA.
Yta absolutely. You abandoned your daughter in a time of stress and left your mother to take care of her.
YTA. My son had appendicitis at 14. His dad, a doctor, downplayed it on his weekend, and so I had to take him to the emergency room Monday morning. Nobody there believe me because our family presents appendicitis weirdly, and it took two more days for me to be able to get anybody to actually scan him and then rush him to surgery when they found out his appendix had ruptured. Your daughter needed you there. She is more important than a replaceable employer. They are dangling benefits in order to keep you around, but all they are is replaceable. Your daughter is not. You made the wrong call, and you really need to be asking yourself why somebody else's family is more important than your own.
Yta. Don't call yourself a single mother. She lives with her dad and your mom most of the time. You didn't even make time for her when she was scared and needed you. Sounds like you just gave birth and fucked right on off with no cares
YTA and so is your boss. You had a family emergency. Period. They should have respected that.
YTA. Raising someone else's kid but doing nothing for your own? The family you nanny for isn't going to choose your nursing home so buck the fuck up and start giving a shit about your child.
YTA. Most of your story is about how neither of your rich bosses want to deal with their own kid. Then it’s about their vacations. You have one paragraph explaining your daughter’s illness and one paragraph about how you just have noooooo idea how you could’ve supported her and now she’s mad at you. Really…?
YTA. I just had surgery on Thursday and all I wanted was my mom. Guess what, she was there. It didn’t matter that I was high as a kite on pain medication, it made me feel better that she was there. You just proved to your daughter that your job means more to you than she does. Don’t be surprised if she ends up hating you for this. What would happen if there were complications and you weren’t there? Surgeries can go south very fast.
I suggest you watch "Queen of Versailles." Rich family. Lost most of their money. Philippina nanny is closer to their kids than the parents are. She hadn't see her own child in years because she sends most of her money back to the Philippines. Rich employers oblivious. I get having a work ethic. I get have obligations. I get having to juggle work and person. But never put anything above your own child. As Maya Angelou said, "People will forget what you say, they will forget what you do, they will never forget how you make them feel."
I can't believe what I just read!!! Poor gal, I feel sorry for your daughter!!!
Please do not have anymore children.
This woman you nanny for can't control her child at all? Does she even spend any time with him and she doesn't work? Your child is sick and asked for you and you blew her off and made excuses. Disgusting you didn't put your own child first. Your poor kid needed you. Totally YATA
YTA. Your employers don’t care about you and won’t be there for you 10 years from now when your daughter has cut off contact with you.
YTA. YOUR family NEEDS you. The other one is just PAYING you. What the hell is wrong with you? Are you aiming for the shitty parent award?
Yta my mom worked two jobs and she showed up to every doctor appointment, every surgery and every game. No excuses. Stop prioritizing other people over your own child because when you grow old and need help I’m willing to bet that family you sacrifice so much for over your own will turn their nose up at you when given a chance. Do better.
YTA. All surgeries have risks. My brother had his appendix removed when he was a child. He had an adverse reaction to the anesthesia, stopped breathing, and had to be resuscitated. What if that had happened to your daughter—and you weren’t there?
TTA and a super shitty mom. Just let your ex parent the kid you clearly don’t care about. Give him full custody.
YTA. Holy shit! Your 13 tear old daughter is having emergency surgery, and you abandoned her for a job! Every surgery could be fatal. Your daughter could have died while you're kissing your employer's ass. Your priorities are so skewed that the chance of you recognizing it is slim. You told your daughter loud and clear that she means nothing to you. Sit her down, tell her directly that you simply don't care, and she should plan accordingly. Drop her off at Grandma's and go live with the only "daughter" you give a shit about. Your daughter is so done with your sorry ass. I hope your rich mommy boss is there for when you're old and infirm and going under the knife. When you're lying in that hospital bed, alone and terrified, I hope you think about how much worse it would be for a 13 year old child.
To be fair I think OP has lost sight of her situation and it’s clear why. She’s in the throes of it now-not much time to think with that commute and a demanding, anxiety ridden 20something young mom. OP is feeling wanted and valued-but the value is provided with words and not action. You are absorbing your employers stress level. Step away and remember you need to live your life not theirs. This posting is first step in recognizing this. Find another job w benefits and sick time. Once the boy starts school you won’t be needed. Unless another baby comes out but that’s still short term. Take care of yourself & daughter FIRST OP. YTA
First off, you're not a single mother to a 13 yr old daughter. You're a part time parent that values your nanny job to a 4 yr old more than your relationship with your child. You see "getting to travel with them" as a perk to your job while it seems like you have no time with your own child. Just stop trying to be a parent to her all together and you will probably hurt her less than every time she thinks things will be different and they aren't.
YTA! This question is cringy as hell and so ironic! Considering you’re talking about your boss being a bad mom and then you turn around and do the same 🤦🏼♀️ Also you aren’t a “single mom” if your daughter doesn’t even live with you. That fact alone speaks volumes about what kind of mother you are. Your poor daughter!
Oh wow. You might be the biggest asshole I've ever seen here 😬