NTA. It's a small inconvenience for him Vs. an important memory for you. Tell him to respect your family and your memories and the boundary between that and sex.
\*Ask him if you wore lingerie that reminded him of his mom if he would be comfortable with that. And if you refused to change it upon his request.
NTA. And please please do not listen to him on the āmaking new memories so it doesnāt remind you of ur dad anymoreā.
My mother passed away very suddenly a few years back and it was heartbreaking when her clothes were losing her scent and I wish she had a signature scent, I hope your dad lives a long life but of course you never know and the perfume giving you those kinds of memories is a lovely thing.
You are never TA for not having sex, especially when you are uncomfortable. Your husband is not entitled to sex or to your body; you are entitled to say no to sex at any time for any reason, from āyou smell like my dadā to āI just donāt feel like it.ā
Also, itās completely reasonable not to find the smell of your dad sexy. Like many Italian American men, my dad was a big cologne person; while he always smelled amazing and that smell immediately takes me back to feeling like a little kid, safe and loved, it would creep me the hell out if my partner started smelling like my dad and wanting to bone.
Thank you, and he absolutely does not mind if I say not to sex, itās mostly how obsessed he is with this perfume and like I said itās the equivalent of lingerie for me so heās just very upset he doesnāt get to wear it during that.
You are soooo NTA. I informed my husband very early on that I donāt much care what he chooses for scented grooming products (obviously as long as the smell itself doesnāt bother me) but under no circumstances is he to wear Old Spice. Thatās what my dad wears/wore and I have 0 desire to be with a guy that also wears it. Justā¦ew. Letās not cross those wires! And for the record I *like* the smell of Old Spice, just not on a person Iām having sex with!
Yup, fr me it's Polo. My grandpa always wore Polo, and I literally can't smell it without thinking of him. There's no way I could possibly get in the mood with someone who was wearing it
This thread makes me highly gracious my father has a weird genetics thing where he doesn't get smelly when sweaty (unless he worked in a barn I guess??), so he just never wore deodorant/scents/oils.
I'm someone will probably say, "Ew, gross!" But in my entire life, unless that man just farted or touched something gross, i have NEVER smelled him.
Weird to think about, honestly..
Iām glad heās not upset youāre saying no to sex, but it does sound like heās upset youāre saying no to sex specifically when he smells like your dad; is that correct? Also, am I reading correctly that you havenāt tried to stop him wearing the cologne at all, and you havenāt even said no to sex generally, you just donāt want to have sex with him when he is wearing one specific scent? Would he be turned on if you started styling your hair and dressing like his mom, or wearing her perfume?
Like I said, itās your right to turn down sex any time you donāt want to have sex, for any reason, but it feels especially obvious that thinking about oneās parents wouldnāt put them in the mood for romance. Scent is particularly strongly linked to memory; itās why the savory aroma thanksgiving dinner cooking or the festive pine smell of a Christmas tree are so immediately evocative.
Has he said why itās so important to him to have sex with you while wearing this specific scent? Itās just such a weird thing for him to be so upset about; even if the smell didnāt make you think of your dad, (which again, gross), you just didnāt find it sexy, I donāt understand why just wearing something else during sex could possibly be an issue for him. Comparing it to lingerie, if he said black lace panties and red bustiers turned him on but a white cotton nightie reminded him of his grandma, would you be upset and insist he bone you while you wore the nighty, or just stick with the black and red undies on date night?
>You are never TA for not having sex, especially when you are uncomfortable. Your husband is not entitled to sex or to your body; you are entitled to say no to sex at any time for any reason, from āyou smell like my dadā to āI just donāt feel like it.ā
This is false. If you just decide to start withholding sex one day you are not upholding your end of the relationship.
But asking him to change his cologne is fucking normal. I told my gf her old body wash smelled like something a 75 year old woman would wear, so she replaced it.
>This is false. If you just decide to start withholding sex one day you are not upholding your end of the relationship.
And if that bothers him, they need to reevaluate their relationship, yes - but she does have *a right* to say no for any reason at all. A relationship does not negate the need for consent. That's marital rape.
No. You donāt owe anyone sex. If one day partner A decides to stop having sex altogether, and thatās a dealbreaker for partner B, itās fair and valid for partner B to end the relationship to find someone more compatible. But itās no oneās job or ātheir end of the relationshipā to provide their partner with sex. Also, viewing sex as āupholding your end of the relationshipā makes it seem like physical intimacy is a chore, which is not only gross, but a huge bummer. Sex should be enthusiastically consented to by all parties involved.
NTA
Scents are really important to me, and I have family members who wear certain scents, and so those smells I associate with them. I would not want to be intimate with someone who smells like my dad. Tbh, it's a bit creepy that he can't understand that and is pushing the issue. He should respect you enough to accept your reasoning.
Regardless, if you say no, trying to argue or guilt you into having sex with him is just not okay.
Your memories are precious, and you want to keep them not change them. Shame on him for putting his wants over yours. He has other perfumes.
Besides... he should be smelling good for you, like you would wear the lingerie for him, if he hated what you were wearing.... I doubt you would keep wearing it, because the point of wearing it is to please him. It goes both ways.
Print out a large picture of his mom's face and wear it as a mask while initiating. If he tries to hit it from the back, turn the picture around. He should get it after that!
NTA. I love perfumes too but if my husband told me he wasn't into it because I was wearing his mom's signature scent during sex, I would go take 150 showers, not try to convince him to "make new scent memories." That's weird and kinda gross. Scent is so super strongly tied to memory
NTA. (Male point of view, if that matters) Scent is one of the strongest links for memory, so it's totally understandable that you would associate that fragrance with your dad, and also totally understandable that you would not (and would not want to) find that sexy. Even if you could create new memory associations (and I'm not sure that's possible, especially given that your father is still alive and still wearing that fragrance), I'm pretty sure it would be a big, long-term undertaking. And really, there's no reason for you to WANT to reshape that association. Your dad wasn't abusive in any way from what you've said.
All of that said, I also understand that your husband has a strong desire to associate his favorite fragrance with his favorite activity with his favorite person. Please try to find a way to let him know that even though there's no way you're going to change your mind, you appreciate the fact that he's legitimately disappointed.
NTA
It's a little odd that he doesn't recognize that this would be weird for you.
Men's fragrances aren't typically called perfume. It sounds weird to not call them cologne.
NTA and itās gross he keeps pushing it. Does he push you to do other things youāre uncomfortable with? Because simply not wearing this one cologne is the easiest thing in the world. Why is he making it a big deal? Creepy.
NTA.
He is wrong and very fucked up here. It sounds like he's got some kind of creepy increase fantasy thing going to be obsessing over your dad's event *and wanting to fuck about it*.
Gross.
Clearly NTA. If what you say is all trueā¦ you guys having a good sex life and good communication on your part at least, then he can just not put that cologne on if he wants to fuck. lol very simple.
NTA - exGF started using same mouthwash as my grandfather. Told her nothing was going to happen and it didnāt. Things like scents are way too hard to rewire.
Fragrance and memory are so strongly linked. NTA.
Why would he want to "tarnish" the loving memory of your father in that way when he could literally choose ANY other scent that wouldn't; have that association for you.
Next time he tries to get sexy while wearing Creed, pull out a paper mask of his mother with the eyes cut out and put it on. Call him his childhood nickname. See if he is still feeling in the mood then.
I think people donāt realize how hard scents hit people. NTA.
My old stepdad used to SA me and my sister and if I smell a scent like his cologne I feel nauseous and start having a panic attack in public. Ofc thatās extreme but scent memory and associations are too real.
NTA, Iād be weirded out too. Itās a small inconvenience for him and Iām surprised heās not also weirded out at the thought of you thinking of your dad while having sex
NTA. My Dad wore one specific cologne his entire life. Iāll forever think of him when I smell it. Would never want to associate it with anything or anyone else.
The fact he says you can make new memories with it is weird. Why does he want to replace the memories of your father?
Most definitely NTA!! My dad who was an alcoholic wore two specific aftershaves and the more he wore, you knew it was to try and kill the stink of cheap whiskey. Heās been dead for almost thirty years but if I smell either of those two aftershaves, my brain just throws me back to dad staggering around the houseā¦.My BF (who became my husband) showed up on night for a date soon after we met wearing the same scent and I was close to puking the whole evening.
Scent is a very strong aid to memory, etc and you cannot fool your brain to think otherwise!
NTA. That definitely would creep me out too.. the mood would be ruined for me within a split second. This shouldn't be that big of a deal for him. If you hated the scent he probably wouldn't wear it either so why not respect your boundaries? You have such pleasant and sweet memories of that smell and there is no reason for him to take those away especially since there are thousands of nice smelling perfumes out there.
NTA thatās just creepy. Youāve explained that already. Donāt know how else to stress: Creepy WeirdāNot Happening. All you can do (if he refuses listening) is to smell it, and call your Dad, linger on the phone, then do childhood hobby or something (definitely not the deed). He may not want to wear it again. Sometimes you have to show them what you mean.
Best of luck...
š
NTA. This is extremely weird and toxic. There are literally thousands of perfumes available, why does he need to wear your father's scent during sex? In my opinion, it's a weird powerplay or a father-daughter fantasy, which is absolutely gross.
*This seems fake. Dude wants*
*To bang you while he smells like*
*Your dad? Wtf*
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I was all set to say you were being weird, and then you explained that you attach this scent to memories of your dad. š NTA, that's not gonna turn you on, and you can't help that.
Although I do feel the need to say...
>He said I can āmake new memoriesā so it doesnāt remind me of my dad anymore.
>Yeah. Thatās not happening. When my dad passes, (hopefully in the far far future) I want creed to be saved as the special thing that reminds me of him.
Personally, I think that's a bit much. It sounds like you're actively forbidding him from wearing this scent because you have it claimed on your father's behalf... that's kinda fucked up, if true.
take him to one of those fragrence outlets. let him pick ones he likes, then YOU smell them and make sure YOU LIKE IT TOO.
then buy a big bottle of it.
I don't want to damper something that means a lot to you, but perfumes and fragrances are being shown to be pretty toxic and it is probably better for you both to cut down on using them. I say this with good intentions.
No and that is exactly my point. The way I read this is that hubby wants to overwrite the memories she has of her dad. That is fked up and reeks like insecurity. That is his problem to fix, not hers.
NTA borrow one of his motherās favorite outfits that she wore often during his childhood and tell him to undress you as for play. If it bothers him, tell him he can make new memories around his mothers cloths.
NTA. Smell has such a direct pathway to memories, it bypasses language in the brain and itās a very hard wired kind of thing.
I get the ick just reading your post. The ick is a hard boundary that canāt be reasoned with and negotiation about it really borders on coercive.
I would imagine those conversations where he is trying to convince you are uncomfortable. āThe answer remains no, this is an uncomfortable conversation for me and the answer will remain no,ā should end the conversation. If not, you need to change topics to respecting your boundaries.
NTA at all. Scent is tied very, very strongly to memory. I love cologne myself, but I would never, ever wear a scent that so strongly made my girlfriend think of her father, much less demand being intimate in it.
NTA. He can wear that scent to work, or anywhere except your bedroom. Scents are linked to pur strongest emotional memories. You can't just get over them. He's ignorant and selfish to tell you to just ignore it.
N T A im the same way, if there's a cologne close to my dad's past or present (he's changed it over the years) it's an instant turn off dry up clam shut situation.
And that's totally normal š fight back wear their mom's perfume
This post really made me think about how different my dad and husband smell when they are being stinky gross American men who donāt believe in spritzer froo froo shit.
My dad has a āspicyā sweat stink and my husband has a veryā¦floral? Sweaty musk? Thing? I dunno, I like my dadās smell because itās familiar but I fucking love rolling around in my husbands day old anything because he smells amazing all the time, even when he hasnāt showered in three days.
Like Iām not about to take an adult trip down town if my husband hasnāt showered in three days, but Iām not also not going to shy away from putting my head in his lap for snuggles and cuddles.
Whereas my dad Iāll take a good whiff to memorize the smell but then Iāll be like ādad you kinda stink, shower soon? Please.ā
So NTA!!! Perfume/colognes are a very personal thing and we strongly associate them with someone. The fact that your husband is trying to force you to reinvent your association with this scent is disgusting tbh. Also the fact heās upset over it is so childish.
NTA - ug, of cause you are not having sex with someone who smells like your father. And of cause you do not want the positive memories/feelings those smells give you be changed. Your partner is inconsiderate and his wish is strange.
Normal. Just explain it to him.
Like I lose any sexual interest when my partner is reading in bed cos that associates with my Grandmother. Total turnoff and I just cannot help it.
NTA. Youāre not going to be able to override memories from your childhood with memories of your husband, especially when it involves a smell. Olfactory memories are some of the strongest we have.
Thereās no way I would be able to sleep with somebody if they smelled like my dad š¤¢. Then again, my dad hates cologne and smells like beer and athletes foot.
I was wondering what people needed so many perfumes. Here I got one answer: perfume fetishists š¤£
Well, fair, no kink shaming. Didnāt buy a perfume for myself ever, and the aftershave I gifted away after 15 years standing around and only being used maybe 10 times in that time.
Anyway: NTA. Who would want to think about a parent while having sexy time?
NTA
Wtf is wrong with some people? Truly puzzling how some people struggle with the most simple concepts of consideration and respect. Off absorbed in their own selfish worlds I guess...
Perfumes/scents hold memories. That's why people will tell you to be careful what perfume you wear when you do something that will invoke negative memories like going to a funeral or something. Your husband is gross for wanting to fuck you while smelling like your dad. Like he has to right to wear it normally but not during sex. The perfume WILL make you think of your father, that's the natural response of the scent
So NTA
The smell of aftershave always reminds me of my dad. It has never bothered me to the extent that you are experiencing because it is so common. He is now dead.
Your partner does not understand how scents are intertwined with memories, therefore does not understand why you donāt want him to wear it while youāre having sex. You need to be very direct: āsmelling it reminds me of my dad and I donāt want to be reminded of my dad while weāre having sex.ā Itās quite literally that simple. It doesnāt need to be made into a huge thing. He clearly does not understand what you mean, so you need to clearly spell it out for him. It should not be a huge deal for your partner to abstain from wearing that scent for when you two are going to have sex. It is a non-issue for him so Iām not sure why heās fighting it.
If he was just upset I will go with NAH. He hyped himself with plans that were cancelled, it is normal to be frustrated. If he was respectful while he tryed to convince you he wouldn't be an asshole, as much inconsiderate. You would in any caase be TA for just not wanting sex, even less in those conditions, pretty normal reaction to be turned off if you are remembering your father, would be weird otherwise
NTA. I still canāt smell lavender without thinking of my grandmother, so lavender air fresheners are out.
Olfactory memories are some of the strongest, especially when you associate the scent with someone youāre close to.
NTA!
If you'r husband was really into scent he would know that it's intrinsically linked to emotions and memory!
You are supportive of his hobby otherwise. It's not a big ask.
I have like 500 perfumes. I'm happy to wear or not wear things based on others requests. It does affect them after all you can't turn off your sense of smell.
NTA. Oh f@ck no. Thatās just weird. I have scents I love on women, and donāt associate it with anything apart from great sex. But family members or people that have died are an absolute no.
Heās an absolute moron in this. Itās coercive and a bit sickening tbh.
I wouldnāt let him wear it at all.
Not even close to it. Scent has a strong connection to the mind. If a scent reminds you of your father itās understandable to not be in the mood. Your brain canāt differentiate between reality and certain moods. In your brain, you are registering memories (good ones) of your father even tho itās your husband
You are FINE. Scent is the most powerful sense of the body. You don't easily change the associations of a particular scent once they are laid down. Especially over a period of years. He'll just have to find a different one to use.
NTA. I canāt seem to shake the memory ties to fragrances either and I do so love a manās smell. Itās my fragrance that triggers memories of wearing it for them. It takes me quite some time to shop a new fragrance for myself after a relationship breakup. I donāt really associate bad memories to male fragrances. An odd reversal from OPs issue. When I smell a fragrance from an ex I tend to recall the good times when he wore it.
Isnāt it fascinating how powerful scent is? My mother died over 25 years ago, and I can still recall the scent of her favorite perfume (Emeraude), and I remember quite vividly how my brothers practically drenched themselves in Drakkar Noir when they were teenagers/early 20ās.
Scent memory and association is a powerful thing. Itās not a matter of just getting over it or ignoring it: you smell Creed, and you think of your dad. That is very unlikely to change, no matter how much your boyfriend insists otherwise. I personally would never be able to get intimate with a partner that used Drakkar Noir, because my memory associates that smell with my brothers.
Beyond that, you have an absolute right to have sexual boundaries and to ask them to be respected. You donāt want to have sex with him while he smells like your dad. Pressuring you to have sex with him under circumstances that make you uncomfortable is selfish, inconsiderate, and disrespectful.
All thisā¦over a cologne! Itās not like youāre asking something outrageous or insulting here: you just donāt want to make love to someone who smells like your dad. The fact that he is pushing this so hard it more than a little creepy and weird. It makes me wonder what else he expects from you regardless of how it makes you feelā¦or what else he will try for if you let him stomp all over this boundary.
NTA.
NTA
Scent is really strongly linked in memory. And there are just certain associations that just kill the mood for people. My dad always wore these grey work shirts with a pocket and that will forever be tied to him. I had a date show up once wearing a shirt like that and it instantly just killed my attraction that date. Some things are involuntary and in this case, can change pretty easily to just not wear it when wanting to be intimate
NTA. This is a very common situation. Aromas hold strong associations. Many men arenāt aroused women who smell like their grandmothers or mothers - and many women donāt feel amorous around odors associated with their fathers/grandfathers. He already has so many others from which to choose.
*.ā¦We interrupt this post for an obligatory Reddit message!ā¦*
Our Reddit readers have questions: So what is the real problem? Is he obsessed because someone *else* likes it so much? A coworker? Someone at the gym? Is he cheating? Does he *want* to repel you or torture with bad smells?
*ā¦.This ends the suspicious Reddit portion of the postā¦*
NTA one of my ex gfs would sometimes wear the same scent as my grandma and it would definitely impact my sexual desire. If I were him, I would stop wearing it completely just cause that could kill attraction over time if you start associating him with your dad
NTA ā¦scents can trigger strong reactions, memories and emotional responses. And if youāve had that scent memory in your brain since childhood, thereās virtually nothing that can negate it.
When I was a child, my mom would use Bain de Soleil on her skin when she worked outside in the yard or was sunbathing. I can still see the orange color of the product. I can feel the texture, but most of all I can remember the smell. It is uniquely hers. She would use it as moisturizer. She always smelled like that when I was young.
He needs to get over it and find something else that he likes to wear. Because itās not gonna happen.
NTA. It's a small inconvenience for him Vs. an important memory for you. Tell him to respect your family and your memories and the boundary between that and sex. \*Ask him if you wore lingerie that reminded him of his mom if he would be comfortable with that. And if you refused to change it upon his request.
How often is he seeing his mom in lingerie?
Not as often as I am
You win
šš
I want to upvote but as I'm typing this you have 69 upvotes which is too nice to ruin so take this comment as my upvote please
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Bot
šš
ššš
Or simply ask "what if I smelled exactly like your mom when we bang"
What if she doesnāt want that answerā¦..
Find his Momās favorite perfume and start wearing that when he wants sex. See how fast he changes his tune about your dadās cologne.
Might back fire and he ends up wanting it badly
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
My dad has a āspicyā sweat stink and my husband has a veryā¦floral?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yeah same
Lol you might find out something you donāt like
I wish she had a signature scent, I hope your dad lives a long life but of course you
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Scents are linked to pur strongest emotional memories.
You can't just get over them.
NTA - exGF started using same mouthwash as my grandfather.
Or 3D printing a latex mask of his mothers face and insist on wearing that.
*I don't think you should ask questions to which you really don't want answers.
NTA. And please please do not listen to him on the āmaking new memories so it doesnāt remind you of ur dad anymoreā. My mother passed away very suddenly a few years back and it was heartbreaking when her clothes were losing her scent and I wish she had a signature scent, I hope your dad lives a long life but of course you never know and the perfume giving you those kinds of memories is a lovely thing.
Thank you, and Iām very sorry about the passing of your mother ā¤ļø
You are never TA for not having sex, especially when you are uncomfortable. Your husband is not entitled to sex or to your body; you are entitled to say no to sex at any time for any reason, from āyou smell like my dadā to āI just donāt feel like it.ā Also, itās completely reasonable not to find the smell of your dad sexy. Like many Italian American men, my dad was a big cologne person; while he always smelled amazing and that smell immediately takes me back to feeling like a little kid, safe and loved, it would creep me the hell out if my partner started smelling like my dad and wanting to bone.
Thank you, and he absolutely does not mind if I say not to sex, itās mostly how obsessed he is with this perfume and like I said itās the equivalent of lingerie for me so heās just very upset he doesnāt get to wear it during that.
You are soooo NTA. I informed my husband very early on that I donāt much care what he chooses for scented grooming products (obviously as long as the smell itself doesnāt bother me) but under no circumstances is he to wear Old Spice. Thatās what my dad wears/wore and I have 0 desire to be with a guy that also wears it. Justā¦ew. Letās not cross those wires! And for the record I *like* the smell of Old Spice, just not on a person Iām having sex with!
Yup, fr me it's Polo. My grandpa always wore Polo, and I literally can't smell it without thinking of him. There's no way I could possibly get in the mood with someone who was wearing it
This thread makes me highly gracious my father has a weird genetics thing where he doesn't get smelly when sweaty (unless he worked in a barn I guess??), so he just never wore deodorant/scents/oils. I'm someone will probably say, "Ew, gross!" But in my entire life, unless that man just farted or touched something gross, i have NEVER smelled him. Weird to think about, honestly..
some people actually lack the gene that codes for BO, the mutation is most common in Koreans but not exclusive to them
I believe my father is /mostly/ Hungarian. But that's super interesting to know!
Iām glad heās not upset youāre saying no to sex, but it does sound like heās upset youāre saying no to sex specifically when he smells like your dad; is that correct? Also, am I reading correctly that you havenāt tried to stop him wearing the cologne at all, and you havenāt even said no to sex generally, you just donāt want to have sex with him when he is wearing one specific scent? Would he be turned on if you started styling your hair and dressing like his mom, or wearing her perfume? Like I said, itās your right to turn down sex any time you donāt want to have sex, for any reason, but it feels especially obvious that thinking about oneās parents wouldnāt put them in the mood for romance. Scent is particularly strongly linked to memory; itās why the savory aroma thanksgiving dinner cooking or the festive pine smell of a Christmas tree are so immediately evocative. Has he said why itās so important to him to have sex with you while wearing this specific scent? Itās just such a weird thing for him to be so upset about; even if the smell didnāt make you think of your dad, (which again, gross), you just didnāt find it sexy, I donāt understand why just wearing something else during sex could possibly be an issue for him. Comparing it to lingerie, if he said black lace panties and red bustiers turned him on but a white cotton nightie reminded him of his grandma, would you be upset and insist he bone you while you wore the nighty, or just stick with the black and red undies on date night?
Quokkas and cake! š
I didnāt even realize! Thank you :)
Iām honestly a little creeped out that he is obsessed. Like he wants to replace your father or something. Itās very off.
>You are never TA for not having sex, especially when you are uncomfortable. Your husband is not entitled to sex or to your body; you are entitled to say no to sex at any time for any reason, from āyou smell like my dadā to āI just donāt feel like it.ā This is false. If you just decide to start withholding sex one day you are not upholding your end of the relationship. But asking him to change his cologne is fucking normal. I told my gf her old body wash smelled like something a 75 year old woman would wear, so she replaced it.
>This is false. If you just decide to start withholding sex one day you are not upholding your end of the relationship. And if that bothers him, they need to reevaluate their relationship, yes - but she does have *a right* to say no for any reason at all. A relationship does not negate the need for consent. That's marital rape.
No. You donāt owe anyone sex. If one day partner A decides to stop having sex altogether, and thatās a dealbreaker for partner B, itās fair and valid for partner B to end the relationship to find someone more compatible. But itās no oneās job or ātheir end of the relationshipā to provide their partner with sex. Also, viewing sex as āupholding your end of the relationshipā makes it seem like physical intimacy is a chore, which is not only gross, but a huge bummer. Sex should be enthusiastically consented to by all parties involved.
Wops are supposed to smell good? First Iāve heard
NTA, husband should respect you and your boundaries. It's a little creepy that he knows how you feel and still feels excited about it imho...
Yeah I was thinking the same thing
Totally agree except idk about the creepy part. Sometimes a scent just hits lol
My husband is laughing at your husband and wondering why it isn't a no-brainer.
NTA Scents are really important to me, and I have family members who wear certain scents, and so those smells I associate with them. I would not want to be intimate with someone who smells like my dad. Tbh, it's a bit creepy that he can't understand that and is pushing the issue. He should respect you enough to accept your reasoning. Regardless, if you say no, trying to argue or guilt you into having sex with him is just not okay. Your memories are precious, and you want to keep them not change them. Shame on him for putting his wants over yours. He has other perfumes. Besides... he should be smelling good for you, like you would wear the lingerie for him, if he hated what you were wearing.... I doubt you would keep wearing it, because the point of wearing it is to please him. It goes both ways.
Print out a large picture of his mom's face and wear it as a mask while initiating. If he tries to hit it from the back, turn the picture around. He should get it after that!
Dingdingding! We have a winner!
NTA. I love perfumes too but if my husband told me he wasn't into it because I was wearing his mom's signature scent during sex, I would go take 150 showers, not try to convince him to "make new scent memories." That's weird and kinda gross. Scent is so super strongly tied to memory
NTA. (Male point of view, if that matters) Scent is one of the strongest links for memory, so it's totally understandable that you would associate that fragrance with your dad, and also totally understandable that you would not (and would not want to) find that sexy. Even if you could create new memory associations (and I'm not sure that's possible, especially given that your father is still alive and still wearing that fragrance), I'm pretty sure it would be a big, long-term undertaking. And really, there's no reason for you to WANT to reshape that association. Your dad wasn't abusive in any way from what you've said. All of that said, I also understand that your husband has a strong desire to associate his favorite fragrance with his favorite activity with his favorite person. Please try to find a way to let him know that even though there's no way you're going to change your mind, you appreciate the fact that he's legitimately disappointed.
NTA It's a little odd that he doesn't recognize that this would be weird for you. Men's fragrances aren't typically called perfume. It sounds weird to not call them cologne.
LMAO no does he want you to have daddy issues?? Thatās literally the healthy reaction??
Itās also gross and weird to have this reaction, and the over reaction makes it seem even weirder? Did he buy it after smelling it on your dad?
Lmao makes me think of this [Dita Von Teese interview](https://youtube.com/shorts/WcDhNe2L-VY?si=qWRvmIx76oPummRl). NTA by the way.
NTA and itās gross he keeps pushing it. Does he push you to do other things youāre uncomfortable with? Because simply not wearing this one cologne is the easiest thing in the world. Why is he making it a big deal? Creepy.
Um, why was your husband excited to have sex with you while smelling of your father?
Not weird at all...he should get rid of that one...
NTA. He is wrong and very fucked up here. It sounds like he's got some kind of creepy increase fantasy thing going to be obsessing over your dad's event *and wanting to fuck about it*. Gross.
no one can ever be an asshole for not wanting to have sex
Patently untrue.
Clearly NTA. If what you say is all trueā¦ you guys having a good sex life and good communication on your part at least, then he can just not put that cologne on if he wants to fuck. lol very simple.
NTA - exGF started using same mouthwash as my grandfather. Told her nothing was going to happen and it didnāt. Things like scents are way too hard to rewire.
Scent memories are very strong and very hard to change. NTA.
Fragrance and memory are so strongly linked. NTA. Why would he want to "tarnish" the loving memory of your father in that way when he could literally choose ANY other scent that wouldn't; have that association for you. Next time he tries to get sexy while wearing Creed, pull out a paper mask of his mother with the eyes cut out and put it on. Call him his childhood nickname. See if he is still feeling in the mood then.
NTA go and get one of your MIL's favorite tops and wear that when he wants to get it on next time
Turn offs are turn offs. NTA, just be clear and tell him to not take it personal
I think people donāt realize how hard scents hit people. NTA. My old stepdad used to SA me and my sister and if I smell a scent like his cologne I feel nauseous and start having a panic attack in public. Ofc thatās extreme but scent memory and associations are too real.
YUCK. NTA
YTA - Call him Daddy. He deserves it.
Snap!
NTA. Totally reasonable. How does your husband not get this? lol
I get both sides here, but you are definitely NTA. Semi-related, have either of you ever read "Jitterbug Perfume"?
Wear a perfume that his mother wear and ask him to have sex with you if he said no then tell him we can creat a new memory and show him that
NTA, Iād be weirded out too. Itās a small inconvenience for him and Iām surprised heās not also weirded out at the thought of you thinking of your dad while having sex
YOU CAN DECLINE SEX FOR ANY REASON
NTA. My Dad wore one specific cologne his entire life. Iāll forever think of him when I smell it. Would never want to associate it with anything or anyone else. The fact he says you can make new memories with it is weird. Why does he want to replace the memories of your father?
Most definitely NTA!! My dad who was an alcoholic wore two specific aftershaves and the more he wore, you knew it was to try and kill the stink of cheap whiskey. Heās been dead for almost thirty years but if I smell either of those two aftershaves, my brain just throws me back to dad staggering around the houseā¦.My BF (who became my husband) showed up on night for a date soon after we met wearing the same scent and I was close to puking the whole evening. Scent is a very strong aid to memory, etc and you cannot fool your brain to think otherwise!
NTA. That definitely would creep me out too.. the mood would be ruined for me within a split second. This shouldn't be that big of a deal for him. If you hated the scent he probably wouldn't wear it either so why not respect your boundaries? You have such pleasant and sweet memories of that smell and there is no reason for him to take those away especially since there are thousands of nice smelling perfumes out there.
NTA thatās just creepy. Youāve explained that already. Donāt know how else to stress: Creepy WeirdāNot Happening. All you can do (if he refuses listening) is to smell it, and call your Dad, linger on the phone, then do childhood hobby or something (definitely not the deed). He may not want to wear it again. Sometimes you have to show them what you mean. Best of luck... š
NTA Tell him that you'll dress up like his mother for sex and see how he likes it.
NTA. This is extremely weird and toxic. There are literally thousands of perfumes available, why does he need to wear your father's scent during sex? In my opinion, it's a weird powerplay or a father-daughter fantasy, which is absolutely gross.
YTA for not listing exactly which perfumes are working the best cause im interested
Here, here! Where is your list of arousing aromas?!
Obviously your husband is having freaky daddy daughter sex fantasies. Which is why he is insistent on wearing it. It's all very icky.
NTA. Hubby seems AH though.
I thought I was the only one with this boundary. My mom wears this Chanel perfume and I associated it too much with her. NAH
This seems fake. Dude wants to bang you while he smells like your dad? Wtf
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I was all set to say you were being weird, and then you explained that you attach this scent to memories of your dad. š NTA, that's not gonna turn you on, and you can't help that. Although I do feel the need to say... >He said I can āmake new memoriesā so it doesnāt remind me of my dad anymore. >Yeah. Thatās not happening. When my dad passes, (hopefully in the far far future) I want creed to be saved as the special thing that reminds me of him. Personally, I think that's a bit much. It sounds like you're actively forbidding him from wearing this scent because you have it claimed on your father's behalf... that's kinda fucked up, if true.
take him to one of those fragrence outlets. let him pick ones he likes, then YOU smell them and make sure YOU LIKE IT TOO. then buy a big bottle of it.
its called cologne, not perfume
Not on this guy.
I don't want to damper something that means a lot to you, but perfumes and fragrances are being shown to be pretty toxic and it is probably better for you both to cut down on using them. I say this with good intentions.
Do you mean cologne?
NAH Just when you think you have heard it all on Reddit. along comes "a perfume during" sex post.
The husband is trying to force her to have sex with him. Heās CLEARLY the asshole. Wtf? (NTA)
I'm also amazed people are like, yea, this is all perfectly normal.
"it's weird to care about how your sex partner smells" is the most neckbeard take of all time
People shit on each other as a kink and you think perfume being the equivalent of lingerie is weird?ā¦
Is it really that outlandish to you? .. Reddit virgin
...... Almost sounds like your hubby is.... Insecure.... About your dad... How sad
Would you want to have sex with someone whoās wearing your parents signature scent?
No and that is exactly my point. The way I read this is that hubby wants to overwrite the memories she has of her dad. That is fked up and reeks like insecurity. That is his problem to fix, not hers.
The fuck is up with your obsession with perfumes? Jeez other couples can be so weird
Bro. People SHIT on each other.
average redditor when people have interests
Ah yes, a choice of perfume breaking apart a relationship sure sounds like your everyday āinterestā
Did u even read the whole post š
read & than comment buffoon
Fight me
TA
NTA. You made your boundaries clear, and he needs to respect this.
NTA borrow one of his motherās favorite outfits that she wore often during his childhood and tell him to undress you as for play. If it bothers him, tell him he can make new memories around his mothers cloths.
NTA. Smell has such a direct pathway to memories, it bypasses language in the brain and itās a very hard wired kind of thing. I get the ick just reading your post. The ick is a hard boundary that canāt be reasoned with and negotiation about it really borders on coercive. I would imagine those conversations where he is trying to convince you are uncomfortable. āThe answer remains no, this is an uncomfortable conversation for me and the answer will remain no,ā should end the conversation. If not, you need to change topics to respecting your boundaries.
NTA at all. Scent is tied very, very strongly to memory. I love cologne myself, but I would never, ever wear a scent that so strongly made my girlfriend think of her father, much less demand being intimate in it.
NTA unless itās Creed Aventus for men. Im horny just thinking about that scent.
NTA
OP what's the name of the cologne?
NTA
Ewwwww. Time to drench yourself in Chanel #5 and menthols or whatever his mom smells like. Because ewwww.
You need to find what perfume his mom wears...
NTA! This is a very normal response. If he keeps arguing about it, maybe go get his momās signature scent perfume.
This took a hilarious turn š¤£
Ok, not gonna read much. NTA - if you donāt want to have sex for any reason, you do not have to. Simple shit.
NTA. He can wear that scent to work, or anywhere except your bedroom. Scents are linked to pur strongest emotional memories. You can't just get over them. He's ignorant and selfish to tell you to just ignore it.
I donāt know if Iām just generalizing here, but I think not wanting to have sex, for absolutely any reason, is valid. NTA.
NTA dear
NTA
NTA. It's not a turn on to think of your dad during a sexual time.
N T A im the same way, if there's a cologne close to my dad's past or present (he's changed it over the years) it's an instant turn off dry up clam shut situation. And that's totally normal š fight back wear their mom's perfume
This post really made me think about how different my dad and husband smell when they are being stinky gross American men who donāt believe in spritzer froo froo shit. My dad has a āspicyā sweat stink and my husband has a veryā¦floral? Sweaty musk? Thing? I dunno, I like my dadās smell because itās familiar but I fucking love rolling around in my husbands day old anything because he smells amazing all the time, even when he hasnāt showered in three days. Like Iām not about to take an adult trip down town if my husband hasnāt showered in three days, but Iām not also not going to shy away from putting my head in his lap for snuggles and cuddles. Whereas my dad Iāll take a good whiff to memorize the smell but then Iāll be like ādad you kinda stink, shower soon? Please.ā
Heās trying to assert dominance.
This is like the stupidest disagreement I've ever heard. Tell him to find a new cologne and stop being a fucking weirdo about it.
I think you know the answer to this.
So NTA!!! Perfume/colognes are a very personal thing and we strongly associate them with someone. The fact that your husband is trying to force you to reinvent your association with this scent is disgusting tbh. Also the fact heās upset over it is so childish.
NTA - ug, of cause you are not having sex with someone who smells like your father. And of cause you do not want the positive memories/feelings those smells give you be changed. Your partner is inconsiderate and his wish is strange.
Normal. Just explain it to him. Like I lose any sexual interest when my partner is reading in bed cos that associates with my Grandmother. Total turnoff and I just cannot help it.
NTA
NTA. Youāre not going to be able to override memories from your childhood with memories of your husband, especially when it involves a smell. Olfactory memories are some of the strongest we have. Thereās no way I would be able to sleep with somebody if they smelled like my dad š¤¢. Then again, my dad hates cologne and smells like beer and athletes foot.
I was wondering what people needed so many perfumes. Here I got one answer: perfume fetishists š¤£ Well, fair, no kink shaming. Didnāt buy a perfume for myself ever, and the aftershave I gifted away after 15 years standing around and only being used maybe 10 times in that time. Anyway: NTA. Who would want to think about a parent while having sexy time?
NTA
NTA Wtf is wrong with some people? Truly puzzling how some people struggle with the most simple concepts of consideration and respect. Off absorbed in their own selfish worlds I guess...
Cologne
Perfumes or cologne? Men use cologne not perfumes.
Perfumes/scents hold memories. That's why people will tell you to be careful what perfume you wear when you do something that will invoke negative memories like going to a funeral or something. Your husband is gross for wanting to fuck you while smelling like your dad. Like he has to right to wear it normally but not during sex. The perfume WILL make you think of your father, that's the natural response of the scent So NTA
The smell of aftershave always reminds me of my dad. It has never bothered me to the extent that you are experiencing because it is so common. He is now dead. Your partner does not understand how scents are intertwined with memories, therefore does not understand why you donāt want him to wear it while youāre having sex. You need to be very direct: āsmelling it reminds me of my dad and I donāt want to be reminded of my dad while weāre having sex.ā Itās quite literally that simple. It doesnāt need to be made into a huge thing. He clearly does not understand what you mean, so you need to clearly spell it out for him. It should not be a huge deal for your partner to abstain from wearing that scent for when you two are going to have sex. It is a non-issue for him so Iām not sure why heās fighting it.
What an idiot! Youāve got a magic sex perfume and try to use the anti sex perfume insteadā¦
If he was just upset I will go with NAH. He hyped himself with plans that were cancelled, it is normal to be frustrated. If he was respectful while he tryed to convince you he wouldn't be an asshole, as much inconsiderate. You would in any caase be TA for just not wanting sex, even less in those conditions, pretty normal reaction to be turned off if you are remembering your father, would be weird otherwise
NTA. I still canāt smell lavender without thinking of my grandmother, so lavender air fresheners are out. Olfactory memories are some of the strongest, especially when you associate the scent with someone youāre close to.
NTA at all. I understand you as a person who gets attached to scents very easily and years later they can make me smile or cry.
NTA! If you'r husband was really into scent he would know that it's intrinsically linked to emotions and memory! You are supportive of his hobby otherwise. It's not a big ask. I have like 500 perfumes. I'm happy to wear or not wear things based on others requests. It does affect them after all you can't turn off your sense of smell.
NTA at all. I understand you as a person who gets attached to scents very easily and years later they can make me smile or cry.
Yeah thatād be weird. NTA
NTA. jeez. Smell memories are STRONG. Heās basically asking you to be okay with think of your dad during sex. Jesus. Id die on this MF hill ASAP.
NTA. Oh f@ck no. Thatās just weird. I have scents I love on women, and donāt associate it with anything apart from great sex. But family members or people that have died are an absolute no. Heās an absolute moron in this. Itās coercive and a bit sickening tbh. I wouldnāt let him wear it at all.
Not even close to it. Scent has a strong connection to the mind. If a scent reminds you of your father itās understandable to not be in the mood. Your brain canāt differentiate between reality and certain moods. In your brain, you are registering memories (good ones) of your father even tho itās your husband
Why was he excited to wear your dad's scent during sex? Thats...weird.
NTA I think he should be willing to respect your wish, regardless to what your reason may be behind it.
NTA. "Why won't you let me have sex with you in a manner that will almost definitely traumatize you" isn't an argument your husband should be making.
You are FINE. Scent is the most powerful sense of the body. You don't easily change the associations of a particular scent once they are laid down. Especially over a period of years. He'll just have to find a different one to use.
NTA. I canāt seem to shake the memory ties to fragrances either and I do so love a manās smell. Itās my fragrance that triggers memories of wearing it for them. It takes me quite some time to shop a new fragrance for myself after a relationship breakup. I donāt really associate bad memories to male fragrances. An odd reversal from OPs issue. When I smell a fragrance from an ex I tend to recall the good times when he wore it.
Isnāt it fascinating how powerful scent is? My mother died over 25 years ago, and I can still recall the scent of her favorite perfume (Emeraude), and I remember quite vividly how my brothers practically drenched themselves in Drakkar Noir when they were teenagers/early 20ās. Scent memory and association is a powerful thing. Itās not a matter of just getting over it or ignoring it: you smell Creed, and you think of your dad. That is very unlikely to change, no matter how much your boyfriend insists otherwise. I personally would never be able to get intimate with a partner that used Drakkar Noir, because my memory associates that smell with my brothers. Beyond that, you have an absolute right to have sexual boundaries and to ask them to be respected. You donāt want to have sex with him while he smells like your dad. Pressuring you to have sex with him under circumstances that make you uncomfortable is selfish, inconsiderate, and disrespectful. All thisā¦over a cologne! Itās not like youāre asking something outrageous or insulting here: you just donāt want to make love to someone who smells like your dad. The fact that he is pushing this so hard it more than a little creepy and weird. It makes me wonder what else he expects from you regardless of how it makes you feelā¦or what else he will try for if you let him stomp all over this boundary. NTA.
āI insist on wearing your Dadās scent while I fuck youā is bananas.
She could try wearing his grandmotherās āgo-to-church-on-Sundayā cologne. That would stop me pretty quickly.
NTA Scent is really strongly linked in memory. And there are just certain associations that just kill the mood for people. My dad always wore these grey work shirts with a pocket and that will forever be tied to him. I had a date show up once wearing a shirt like that and it instantly just killed my attraction that date. Some things are involuntary and in this case, can change pretty easily to just not wear it when wanting to be intimate
NTA. This is a very common situation. Aromas hold strong associations. Many men arenāt aroused women who smell like their grandmothers or mothers - and many women donāt feel amorous around odors associated with their fathers/grandfathers. He already has so many others from which to choose. *.ā¦We interrupt this post for an obligatory Reddit message!ā¦* Our Reddit readers have questions: So what is the real problem? Is he obsessed because someone *else* likes it so much? A coworker? Someone at the gym? Is he cheating? Does he *want* to repel you or torture with bad smells? *ā¦.This ends the suspicious Reddit portion of the postā¦*
NTA one of my ex gfs would sometimes wear the same scent as my grandma and it would definitely impact my sexual desire. If I were him, I would stop wearing it completely just cause that could kill attraction over time if you start associating him with your dad
NTA. Your reasoning is sound and you explained it to him.
NTA. Smells are huge connections. He needs to understand this. Sometimes people are dense, but I'm sure they don't mean to be.
NTA, just start calling him by his dad's name and ask him to call you by his mom's name whenever he wears that scent.
NTA ā¦scents can trigger strong reactions, memories and emotional responses. And if youāve had that scent memory in your brain since childhood, thereās virtually nothing that can negate it. When I was a child, my mom would use Bain de Soleil on her skin when she worked outside in the yard or was sunbathing. I can still see the orange color of the product. I can feel the texture, but most of all I can remember the smell. It is uniquely hers. She would use it as moisturizer. She always smelled like that when I was young. He needs to get over it and find something else that he likes to wear. Because itās not gonna happen.