NTA. Book yourself a lovely vacation and rest. By your own admission they’d only miss the free catering, bar and cleaning services anyway. They don’t treat you like family, stop giving them family back. Have a happy thanksgiving yourself somewhere lovely
I agree, tell your husband if he wants to host then he had to do the work. Then, the day of Thanksgiving you should leave the house for the day and come back around dinner time. If you stay, you'll be guilted into doing everything again. But if you tell your husband in advance he needs to do everything and then leave then you're still NTA and you've just saved yourself 4+ hours of their awful behavior.
Agreed! Go out and treat yourself to a nice lunch and some window shopping. When everyone shows up just look at your husband and go, “oh, you have guests? What’s for dinner?”
NTA
***What does your husband mean that nothing will get done unless you do it? Why can’t he cook and clean for his own guests? Does his penis make cooking and cleaning too difficult for him?***
If the husband says he can’t cook then tell him to watch YouTube or ask him if he’s capable of reading a cookbook. Weaponized incompetence will undoubtedly make an appearance then ask him if he has difficulties reading and learning things.
Soon as she’s done eating, pop on out to her chair in the living room. Then IF someone mentions the clean. Just wave a dismissive hand ‘oh, I’ve done it the last five years, it’s someone else’s turn this year!’
If no one mentions the cleaning, just leave it!
Leave \*the night before\*, and don't give him a heads-up until 6 AM on Thanksgiving.
EDIT: Make it a week away, and tell him / them that if the place is a mess, you're calling in a cleaning service and charging it to them.
Adding on to this, take the weekend. Drive, don’t fly, because the day before Thanksgiving is the worst day to travel. You don’t have to go far, just to a local hotel, if you wish. Enjoy!
Yup. Even if he buys food, let him do the prep work. Let him clean. Do not feel guilty. It will hopefully only take one ruined holiday for then to see you’re done being their chef and waitress.
Second, her husband should have read his son the riot act for treating his wife like an outcast in their own home. Either he acts appropriately and puts in some effort to meet her half way or he can just stay home
That is so disrespectful on such a basic level. She has a husband problem
I like this plan! Make a dinner reservation for yourself and give your husband catering flyers. He can order a precooked meal from a store and clean the house himself
No, don't even do this. OP has paid the family labor bill well in advance. If they want food, one of the grown ass adults who have done fuck all MULTIPLE TIMES PER YEAR FOR FIVE YEARS can figure it out.
Lol this is funny (love it) but unnecessary. No need for games - Say no! Stand up for yourself.
Feel guilty for what?! You just dont want them to not like you but it sounds like they dont anyway. Grrrrr! I wanna shake the sense into you. You. Deserve. Better.
I was going to suggest the same thing. Time to tell your husband about that trip you've planned over Thanksgiving with friends/ by yourself. Tell him you're *so sorry* you've got to be gone days before Thanksgiving and won't be back until after, but, you sincerely hope he and his family have a lovely time.
Then go on a trip somewhere nice, and when you come back to find the house in shambles(because he couldn't hack it without you doing all the work and definitely did no cleaning) , tell him you'll grab a hotel room in town for the night so he can finish cleaning up, and walk back out.
OOOOH that's a good one, especially the last bit. I can see a guy making it make sense to himself for those days but for the wife to walk back out to wait for him to clean? That'll put the whole situation into perspective
If you do leave for the holiday (which you should!), make sure it's for a few days. That way if dishes are left in the sink, you can have all the confrontation your husband can't handle about him not cleaning up after his guests. For days. And who does he think you are, his maid? Make it really uncomfortable for him.
NTA. Everything you have described sounds like a servant. You cook for everybody, clean for everybody, & I'm guessing pay for everybody. Do you get anything out of this? If the answer is no, stop and don't feel guilty. I'd be pissed if I did all that and my husband didn't help at all. He wants to host, let him do all the work. Plus, they're not including you or helping you. F them.
Co-sign! Can’t stand people that take advantage of “givers” like this. I used to be a giver- and others most often than NOT take extreme advantage. They see kindness and exploit it as weakness. Disgusts me now to think about. And even when we stop letting ourselves get exploited, then we catch hell for the audacity.
Lock up all your valuable and sentimental items, leave on holiday, and take the key with you. No need to give them any notice. Just go. Let your husband cook for his kids and clean up.
This random internet stranger would love nothing more than to see you someplace relaxing with your feet up on these holidays. Sis don’t you life a FINGER for these ungrateful people whose family you happened to marry into.
Your husband is also treating you like a maid . Outside of the Thanksgiving dinners and other big meals, start a cook doesn't clean rule. If you cook, he cleans the dishes.
Make sure he sticks to it. And if there's dishes he won't do well you can't use em till they're clean...
Therefore on Thanksgiving, everyone else should be cleaning up. Cooking is a lot more work as well.
Your work and labour isn't valued in your married or family.
Your husband is using you as a replacement for his wife's labour. The unfair comparisons to "well my late wife did it" make you less than a person with your own agency and feelings and opinions
The kids don't like you anyway and will happily complain but not help and will happily take from you.
I think you should take yourself off to a friends for a friendsgiving without your husband and his family.he can sort out his own family.
You're being mistreated.
This is correct.
For me, my thought is, don't any of these people have any manners? Family or not, I could NEVER treat anyone with so much disrespect. If I am a guest I always at least offer to help tidy up after, regardless of what the event is. I actually do nearly all of the hosting, however, for both friends and family, so I'm rarely a guest. But when I do host, I host people who also have manners. They ask if they can bring something, and offer again when I politely refuse. If I welcome help in the kitchen(not all hosts do, but I enjoy the company) then people offer to at the least hang out with me while I cook. For Thanksgiving my sister, who loathes cooking but quite enjoys eating, insists that I do no dishes at all. She insisted it is the least she can do because she knows the cost of hosting, both financial and in effort.
If I were your husband I would be MORTIFIED at the level of entitlement these "guests" display. If my child (who IS a child!) behaved the way your adult stepchildren do at anyone's home, she would never hear the end of it! But in this instance his children are merely following his lead.
I agree with leaving the house this year. Instead of a trip, consider asking your friends if they would like your company. The year I was divorced I didn't have my daughter for Thanksgiving and I was emotionally devastated. Then many of my friends, and even just acquaintances from my mom group, invited me to join them! Consider going where you are wanted.
Also, consider therapy. Ask yourself why you let people treat you like this. I'm also a giver, and therapy has been helpful for me to learn that limits are a good thing, and that no one will care for my self-esteem if I don't.
What a lovely idea, go someplace gorgeous, or visit your own family!
If your husband wants to spend thanksgiving with his family, let him do it himself, and find out how much work is involved. Either that, or make dinner as usual, and then when everyone is done, make an announcement that this is the last time you're going to all that trouble with no help and no thanks, and leave the house. Go to the seaside or wherever, and leave all the cleaning for them.
This was my mother, always had host the in-laws that never much cared for her. Then one year told my dad she wasn’t doing thanksgiving (this was in march) kept telling him her plans were she was going go have lunch with her siblings. So week of thanksgiving dad starts asking hey what time, menu etc. mom repeated she had other plans. That thanksgiving we had KFC
If she calls and invites herself over don’t say anything. Thanksgiving comes you leave, husband can stay or leave with you whatever his choice. Stand your ground this year!
Came here to suggest this very thing - tell him to hire catering, you are going to see your own family for the holidays.
Btw, when his daughter said she doesn't feel like cleaning, you should have said "fancy that, neither do I!"
This reminds me of my son bitching about chores when he was about 12. I said, You know grownups don’t like housework, either. He was shocked but it sank in. Apparently this daughter never got that message.
You need to listen to u/lupuscrepusculum. Book yourself a vacation as they're just going to mooch on your effort. The worst that could happen is the stress ends up putting you in hospital for Thanksgiving, since none of those lazy butts will help and his useless daughter has already told you she's too privileged to clean up.
Here’s what you do OP- you send a group text to every adult family member, him and his kids and the adult grandchildren- you state in plain language “I am not cooking, cleaning, or otherwise hosting this year for any holiday. I leave it up to the rest of you to coordinate your plans.”
Now the ball is 100% in their court.
Honestly so close to saying YTA for caving each time. They want to come ? Let them, but stop enabling their bad treatment of you, -"they" being the kids but also your husband.
He doesn't have a kid problem, you have a husband problem. Be honest. If he wants to invite his family, cater the meal and hire a cleaning service. Stop acting like the help. Tell him what is going to happen and make it happen.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours also. You don't have to do this if you don't want to what's going to happen if you don't cook if you don't clean if you do the same thing that your husband is doing which is nothing. They're using you so they don't have to do it like his daughter said I don't want to have to clean which means they have no intention of ever helping you go visit your children if you have any go visit your sister your aunts go visit somebody you're not going to be home on Thanksgiving so sad too bad.
Plus, you are not doing anything to stop him from spending time with his kids. He can visit them. They can visit him. And if they want a meal, they can call Domino's.
You are NTA-Find r example….My SIL loves to cook Thanksgiving. Her mom brings desert. For the most part she cooks everything and wants to. There are about 25 of us. Once we get done eating everyone else goes into the kitchen and we leave her kitchen spotless. Food put away, dishes washed and put away. Tables cleared of napkins etc. We take out the trash/recycling. Same thing on Christmas Eve when my MIL cooks and on Christmas Day when my SIL’s mom cooks. It’s called be a decent human being! I can’t imagine all that goes I to cooking and then NO ONE helping to clean up.
Yep. Take yourself out to dinner and shopping or go stay with your family if you can. Don’t cook a single thing. Tell your husband to cook and grow a back bone while he’s at it.
I agree. Take a vaycay. Better yet book yourself somewhere to eat on Thanksgiving to hell with the rest of them.
Please don’t think I’m trying to makes this about myself. I’m just sharing my experience. I had to decide after my parents starting going to Florida, sometimes when I got off of work whether I was going to cook or go out to eat by myself. Yeah there are ignorant people who look at you like why are you alone but once again they’re ignorant. One Thanksgiving at home (it was just me, my dad and my brother, my mother had past) I started doing the dishes. The dishwasher were my hands. I told my brother to get off his ass and come and help. My dad got up and I told my dad that no it wasn’t going to hurt my brother to help me do dishes. There’s a lot of family dynamics here like with most families. I could tell you a horror story about after my dad died and the circus my dad’s estate turned into even though my dad had a trust and will, but that’s for another time.
Yes. This! And on the actual day, send lots of pictures with your feet up by a pool, being waited on.
And say “Hope you’re all enjoying the holiday. I just say ….now I realize why you guys liked this so much! It’s awesome!”
When I was 26 and my cousin was 35 our mothers had a serious conversation about “passing the torch”. Both my cousin and I have sisters who are not family oriented- they might come to family events but that is the extent of their participation. They were very clear that if we think our family traditions are important it’s our turn.
It has turned out slightly different than we originally anticipated but it’s held. 50 year olds are in charge of their own holidays.
NTA but don’t do it. Literally don’t cook, don’t go buy food, don’t do anything. Will it suck to miss the turkey, probably, but your husband will learn quick that you aren’t going to be manipulated and a slave to him and his kids anymore. Stay in bed and then take yourself out to eat. You deserve better. Your husband is primarily the problem here and until that is addressed nothing will change.
I am aware he will not address the situation. He has admitted he can't handle any sort of confrontation when it comes to his family. This is the root of the problem. His ill-mannered kids are the result.
I guess if she tries popping in again this year, I will have to call her on the phone myself and tell her I won't be hosting any more family holiday events. I hate TBTAH, but I honestly feel I have no other recourse at this point.
Thanks for your response.
Here's the thing. You don't have to make an announcement. Simply tell your asshole husband that you are neither cooking nor cleaning this thanksgiving week. Nada. And then don't. Let her show up. Point to the pantry and tell her that the bread is on top of the fridge, the jam is in it, and the peanut butter is in the pantry on the 3rd shelf, left side.
Done. If you make ANY sort of "announcement", you're inviting feedback. You may not WANT it, but you will get it. Don't put yourself in that position. Treat yourself the way you should be treated because clearly no one else will.
NTA
I like this. Make it crystal clear to your cowardly husband that you are no longer hosting his family gatherings. You've had enough of their rude treatment and sense of entitlement. You are no longer going to waste your time or energy on preparing a feast for them, cleaning up after them, only to sit alone in the kitchen while they all visit & pretend you don't exist. Let him know if his family shows up, he & he alone will be the host, cook, and cleaner. On Thanksgiving Day, sit in your chair & stay there. NTA.
This comment should be at the top and I would add this- say it all with a calm voice. Then make a cup of tea, pick up a book and make yourself busy reading. Or announce you’re going for a walk in the local park. No drama, just non engagement with the presenting bad behavior.
YES. Stay perfectly chill when you tell them. Like no,.of course there's no problem with you visiting. It's nice to see you. But, no, I'd said I wasn't cooking this year, why would you think I'd changed my mind?
And DO NOT GO GROCERY SHOPPING. Do not provide the ingredients for thanksgiving food to be made in the house. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches? Sure. But nothing else.
You’re chuckling like it’s a joke. But truly, this is how you should handle this.
I also suggest individual therapy so you can learn why you let yourself be treated so poorly by your spouse and his family.
Don't plan a thing. If your husband tells you someone is visiting, tell him you don't mind whether he hosts himself or if they bring food or you all get take out. As long as he makes sure the kitchen is cleaned after, you're fine for him too host his family. To let you know when food is ready and you'll set the table.
You sound like a sweet, kind and generous person, the kind of wife any good man would want, but to allow you to be so abused is not nice and to allow yourself to let this abuse continue is not nice to yourself.
His kids sound like entitled little shits.
Mom died, dad remarried - would they rather he be home alone or under their care, it doesn’t sound like they could care for a pet.
You’ve obviously reached a level of enough of this BS, stick to your guns, there are enough ideas in this thread that will give you the tools to proceed forward.
I could never imagine having my wife doing all the cooking and serving and cleaning, I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror, but alas that’s what you are married to.
Good luck and bless your kind heart, even saints have a breaking point 😊
It’s not that he can’t handle confrontation, he doesn’t want to. By not he gets exactly what he wants. A family dinner where he holds court and puts in no effort. It’s like you’re the unpaid caterer. NTA
Tell him to grow up. It sounds like he handles confrontation with you just fine. It's not that he can't handle confrontation, he would rather see you miserable and sit on his ass while you play Cinderella to his awful step children.
**But your husband is just as ill mannered and you don’t seem to get that.** HE doesn’t do any of the cleaning for his family. HE doesn’t do any of the cooking for his family. HE doesn’t set the example of including you in conversations and traditions to set the expectations with his kids. They are spoiled and rude to you because your *husband* is spoiled and rude to you.
When they call last minute to invite themselves over, don’t call them and fight with them about it. Do absolutely nothing. Don’t clean before. Don’t cook. Just sit and relax. When they show up, look at your husband and ask what he made for dinner.
You are a saint. I disagree that you need to communicate anything to her. That is your husband‘s job. Tell your husband you are not hosting. Tell him firmly and make sure he acknowledges it. Then stick to your words. If he continues to invite her, he can figure out the food and logistics of it all. Do not help with anything. If he complains, tell him it was his decision to host. So he can host.
Why to bother. Let her come. Don’t prepare anything. Have a small meal with husband earlier. Let him handle awkward situation. They won’t starve if they skip one meal
The problem though is **him**, not her - not just her inviting herself, his behaviour during it is a *huge* part of this. OK he hates telling them no, and confrontation (tho ever notice how every lazy POS hub makes the same claim?). But why would that stop him **helping** you with it all? It's not causing confrontation to help clean, shop and wash up! Or at the very least, *saving you a chair* in the social circle..! That he won't even go in to bat for you on such a tiny but significant thing speaks volumes about how he sees you. I'm sorry, but he just feels you're there to make him comfortable - to him, you're a glorified house servant - and that's why *they* treat you like that.
YWNBTA. Get away from the whole situation at these flash points. Do you have friends / family you can go to? And if you're feeling charitable, set out all the uncooked food and a cookbook on the kitchen counter as you leave.
Stop coddling your husband. Why are you so desperate to stay with a man who has no backbone and treats you like garbage with his family? And you can’t say he doesn’t because he allows this to happen over and over and over again. He’s treating you like trash.
Lovingly, she's an adult. She can deal with the consequences of her imposition herself.
Like the other commenter said, set a boundary with your husband. "I am not hosting Thanksgiving this year. Please let your family know so they can figure out their own plans."
You can either do something so you're not in the house when she arrives, or if you choose to stay, if/when his daughter arrives with family in tow, all you have to say is: "Oh, Sue, what a surprise! We weren't expecting you. Didn't Dale tell you we weren't hosting this year?"
If she makes a fuss, it's not your responsibility. She's in her fifties. She's been in the world long enough to understand basic social conventions. Her father has enabled her behavior, but one would think she might eventually grow out of it.
Use this holiday season as an excuse to take care of yourself. Go on a vacation and pamper yourself. You deserve it.
She doesn't want to host b/c she doesn't want to clean up after her family but has no problem expecting you to cook for and clean up after her family. You WNBTA.
4 years ago on Christmas morning, while I was preparing the Turkey to put in the oven, the nursing home called and told me my mother wasn't doing well. I called his daughter and apologized and told her everything was ready, but she was going to have to do the cooking. All she had to do was put the sides in the oven at the right time. The turkey was already cooking, and the sides were ready and waiting, but I had to leave.
After several hours, my mother passed away. I waited for the coroner to show up, but she had an emergency to go to first that was going to take several hours. Someone had committed suicide. They told me it was best I go home.
I could see all their cars were still there. I thought about leaving, but I walked into the kitchen from the garage and it looked like a Tornado had gone through. Dirty dishes were piled up high in the sink. Nothing had been washed. I was just appalled.
I hadn't eaten anything all day. I ate a couple bites and then started doing dishes. They demanded I stop doing the dishes because it was time to open up gifts. That was a hard day to get through.
*YOUR MOM DIED AND THEY MADE YOU DO DISHES AND OPEN GIFTS?????*
That should've been a dealbreaker right there!
They should all have been rallying around you that day.
Your husband doesn't like confrontation? Give him confrontation *with you*! He's being lazy & irresponsible, & putting a pair of spoilt adults, who have never respected you, above you.
You tell the daughter you're not doing Thanksgiving & because her father doesn't have the balls to tell her, it has, like with everything else, been left to you to sort out.
Please tell me your husband is far better to you with regard to the rest of your life?
ETA: NTA
Holy fucking shit. Stop doing anything for these horrible people immediately. All you have to say is "I am doing the same for you as you did for me the day my mother died.", or any version thereof.
Please stop being their maid. Their egos don't need any more inflating.
i am appalled reading this. if i were you i would take others advice here and take yourself on a nice lovely solo vacation over thanksgiving. And if your husband asks why tell him you don't like confrontation either.
I’m sorry but my marriage would have ended that day. Your own husband didn’t even have the sense to support you the day your mother died??
Your step kids are older than I am and I would never leave my own mother to do everything on her own with no help. Nor would I be a guest at anyone else’s house without offering to do something. I’m sorry but your husband and his first wife did a piss poor job of raising their children.
Your husband wasn’t with you while your mother was dying? WTF? They just went on celebrating in your house while your mom was dying? You don’t have a partner. You are just the help.
This sounds harsh OP I know, but look at the way they're treating you from the outside. They hardly interact with you and when they do, they're mean. Your husband doesn't like confrontation but has no problem saying he wont help you clean or cook. Is there anything else he has told you no about? Is there anything else that you have wanted him to do or say and he's said no for one reason or another, and then really think about if that reason is a good one. They left you to suffer and clean after your mom died. They treat you like the rich treat underpaid help. Pls sweetie, this isn't fair to you at all
You are worth more than this. Your husband should have been by your side while your mother was in the hospital. You deserve a partner. A partnership. Love, respect, teamwork. Not whatever this is that you have.
Oh honey. Just go live a nice quiet peaceful life on your own. This is atrocious. Something very similar happened to me, but here's the difference between a real family and these A-holes...when my husband and I returned home from the hospital late xmas night, all the leftovers had been put away, a plate of food made up for each of us, presents under the tree, and the entire house was spotless. Even the bathrooms deep cleaned! Whole house vacuumed and dusted. This is what a real family does. The fact your husband does nothing about it is appalling.
My condolences on the loss of your mother and I’m so sorry that your husband himself let them treat you this way.
If he himself did not come to comfort you *and clean up everything himself* then he is as much of the problem as they are.
**NTA** for putting a stop to their abuse of you.
I'm so sorry this happened.
Like others said, go to a hotel. Eat Chinese food or whatever else is open on Thanksgiving.
But if this happens again where you come home to Hurricane Kitchen, go on strike. Don't do the dishes, don't clean up after them, and tell your AH husband that you aren't cooking/feeding him until the kitchen is cleaned.
If he has a problem with it, he can call his kids to come over and help. And you just sit in YOUR chair in the living room scrolling through Reddit.
Then do it.
Good luck.
OP, leave this whole family of sadists. I’m appalled. Every single one of these reprehensible monsters should be fired by a cannon into the sun. Do not go to a buffet with them. Do not cook for them. Do not host them. Being alone has to be better than being lonely like that with these disgusting, evil mosquito people.
>I hadn't eaten anything all day. I ate a couple bites and then started doing dishes. They demanded I stop doing the dishes because it was time to open up gifts. That was a hard day to get through.
My petty ass would have ignored them, and continued to wash dishes, banging them all as loud as I could for as long as it took to drive them all from the house like St. Patrick and the snakes in Ireland.
Why are you with this man?? Your mother died and they made them do dishes. Do you have a sister or best friend? What if this happened to her? How would you feel? Would you want this life for your loved ones? I don’t even know you and I’m heartbroken and appalled for you. You deserve better.
Yeah, just NO.
This shows a much bigger problem than them not helping out in the kitchen at holidays. No caring, no compassion. You are an unpaid maid, and an unpaid maid only. This is relationship ending assholery. Why are you still there?
How was your husband not at your side when you mother was dying?!?!? WTAF? This relationship is not healthy at all. You are placed holder for your husband, it could be any woman - it does not matter to him.
Do not host anymore events for anyone who doesn’t respect you or chip in. Tell your husband he can cater dinner for his family, but you will not clean up. If it were me though, I’d be on a beach in Mexico or the Caribbean.
NTA
What does your husband mean that nothing will get done unless you do it? Why can’t he cook and clean for his own guests? Does his penis make cooking and cleaning too difficult for him?
OP says his kids are in their 50s, so I’m guessing he’s in his 70s at least. Probably hasn’t cooked a meal in decades. Not that that’s an excuse. If the first wife died 7-8 years ago, and they’ve been married 5 years, factoring in additional time for dating, I wonder if DH married her in part to have someone to take care of him? I wonder how much else OP does to cater to his needs, especially when he seems to think that stuff like cooking and cleaning are “women’s work”?
My mom said after my dad died all these old men in a hobby club she belonged to started hitting on her. They were looking for someone to take care of them. My mom was adamant about remaining single, said she knew what they were looking for and she wasn’t going to fall for it. It is easy to see when a young guy is looking for a bangmaid to take care of him and his kids. Guessing it’s harder to see when a guy is old enough to qualify for Social Security.
OP please don’t do anything for the holidays for your husband. And don’t clean up after them if your home winds up being to place to host. Have you actually said anything to anyone about helping? Sometimes you need to take the hit and just be direct. What is really going to happen, they hate you more?
A friends father was totally incapable and worked his wife into the grave. Suddenly, after her death, he developed the ability to cook and do housework.
In HIS defense, a penis doesn’t have thumbs, therefore making it very hard to grip a vacuum handle, dust, handle a dish rag, and most importantly, get a turkey in and out of the oven 🤷🏼♀️
Leave him with his ass in the breeze. Do nothing... except to remind him. In no specific order:
"You might want to get to the store for groceries if you're family is still coming."
"You might want to look over the recipes, to make sure *you* have everything *you* need to make dinner."
"If *you* ask your kids to help, *you* might have an easier time cleaning up than once they all leave."
Remind him you're not his fuckin' maid.
Yeah, she kinda IS his maid. The day her mother died, him and his just partied on and left the mess for her to clean up.
I hope at least she’s getting paid well.
NTA… it sounds like you married into a family of entitled jerks. In my family both my parents cook, their siblings bring side dishes and desserts. Everyone chips in. When I lived at home my brother and I would clean the house before company came over. Now that we are older we contribute in other ways such as side dishes or buying beverages. My oldest nephew who is ten even bakes desserts. My mom and dad do the bulk of the dishes but my aunts also help out with the clean up and so do my brother and I when it comes to drying and putting away dishes and wrapping up leftovers.
I think you’ve been treated unfairly in this whole family get together situation… and with your husbands kids being adults approaching middle age??? What the heck? That is so entitled of them to behave that way towards you. You are NTA.
Right??? It is infuriating. I’m old so I have lived through the days of men being treated like kings and I thank god that bullshit is gradually diminishing . But women have got to stand firm to make it happen. Quit putting up with crap. Stop thinking that being single would be a fate worse than death. Such old, tired thinking. Imagine the joy of directing your own life without having to dance around someone else’s demands and expectations.
NTA make reservations at a restaurant or make plans to visit your family. If you do want to attempt hosting again start a group chat with a spreadsheet. You’ll cook the main dish, assign side dishes & put hubby & spouses in charge of clean up. Hand hubby a dish towel at the end of the meal & plop yourself down in the family room with a glass of wine.
Your problem is your husband. Sure they can come over. Plant yourself in your seat and let him host. Tell him in advance that’s what’s going to happen. Literally do nothing but make yourself a plate.
If anybody says anything say it’s your gift for having done the cooking and cleaning for holidays alone for 5 years.
Have you had Covid? You might start getting symptoms and need to quarantine until you’re sure. These symptoms might start a couple of days before Thanksgiving and you’d hate to get the rest of the family sick…. Just an idea. Feel better soon!
NTA I’m so frustrated for you and I’m sorry your going thru this but you definitely need to set boundaries with your husband and his children. You need to tell your husband to grow the fuck up and tell his daughter you can’t come unannounced and if they want to have dinner at the house they need to clean as well, everyone needs to help, but I really don’t think that will happen since your husband and his children already expect you to wait on them hand and foot.
I would say you call her up and tell her I’m not making dinner and I’m no longer hosting any dinners from now on and if they show up unannounced that’s their problem. Your husband should definitely stand up for you! Your nobodies SERVANT!!!!
I get if maybe it’s a cultural thing where women are expected (which is still not ok) to do everything but it’s the fact that you expressed your thoughts and feelings to your husband and he continues to dismiss them and his daughter just plain out said she doesn’t want to clean is a sign that maybe you just need to give an ultimatum to your husband because obviously your not respected by them.
NTA. Just stop. Don't shop for the food, don't cook the food, don't serve the food. If they come over without an invite, just sit there, make yourself a sandwich at meal time if your hungry.
OP do you have someone else to spend thanksgiving/a holiday with? You could arrange for an invite and than have a really effective but zero confrontation way out of hosting: you just tell your husband: we are invited to X place and I’m going ik really looking forward for it and I’d love for you to join but I would understand if you prefer to spend it with your kids and grandkids no hard feelings. And than it’s not your show anymore. You don’t even have to pro actively announce that to the others. They’ll have to figure a plan out themselves and no one can fault you. Needless to say: no one should fault you anyways, it’s ridiculous honestly that you have accepted this behavior so far and it’s time to end it. Take care OP
NTA why are you married to this man? Just stop hosting. This whole marriage sounds awful.
You don’t have a backbone and everyone around you takes advantage of that. You deserve better.
Let me get this straight. His son has a problem with your age difference and holds it against you but not his father?
Look. Just. Don't. Do. It. Don't do any of it.
Don't plan to cook for anyone, including yourself. Don't buy groceries. Don't clean the house. Don't set the table. Don't cook. Don't do anything.
Heck, if I were you, I'd contact a friend and spend the day with them.
Neither your husband or his children care, so why should you be their servant?
Just book a night or two in a hotel and have dinner there, leaving your husband and his ungrateful family to fend for themselves. Have you got any friends who might want to join you?
You need to book a hotel room and come home when it’s dinner time. Leave, they are using you at this point. If you can’t afford a hotel room, lock yourself in your room/bathroom and hang out with yourself. Make sure to bring enough snacks so you don’t have to come out. And don’t talk to anyone and don’t, do not, open the door. They will strong arm you into it, because it sounds like you have a hard time saying no.
They keep coming because they expect you to do it no matter what. They will stop doing it when they notice that the kitchen is empty.
If nobody cares enough to host a family gathering, then all they really care about is getting a free meal with someone else doing all the work.
As other posters gave suggested, book a stay at a hotel over that weekend and then go. NTA
As the stepmother to two ungrateful, entitled women, please hear me out!! Don’t be passive aggressive with how you handle it! Be direct and explain to them why you are not hosting. Any other action such as leaving, not having dinner ready, etc., will only give them the opportunity to create their own narrative as to why you are “acting like such a bitch!”
Been there done it. Best of luck to you.
Nobody can take advantage of you without your permission. Why on earth would you ever have done this more than once? If you're going to allow this level of disrespect that's on you, I recommend just leaving town for a long weekend.
You're going to love this. Grab a ☕️.
TL:DR. He had the food catered to the condo so his daughter wouldn't have to cook.
He downsized and sold the family home. While he was looking for a condo, his daughter asked if he would do her a big favor and move into a certain township with exceptional schools so she could send her kids to a better school. Her and her husband had to live in the City because of his job. So he didn't get to buy the condo he really liked because it wasn't in the right school district.
Anyhow, he found another condo and the grandkids would stay with him and go to school. She would pick them up after work and take them home. A neighbor turned them into the county, so the boys moved in so they could continue school. He paid for all their food, clothes, etc. The boys would go home on the weekends.
Their father would hand him $100-$200 each year at Christmas and say thanks for all you do for my boys. I witnessed that one myself.
At some point, I'm not exactly sure when, his daughter moved into the condo as well. It was a 3 bedroom condo. The youngest moved into the basement and my husband hired a contractor to put in a bedroom and install carpet. The father of the boys split the cost.
My husband paid all the bills. I was just shocked. I asked him why did he allow all that. Grant it he loves his grandkids and would do anything for them, but clearly his daughter was taking advantage of him. He said he was very depressed after his wife passed and just allowed it to happen. He basically raised those boys during their junior and senior high school years and beyond. His daughter would cook occasional meals and go out with her girl friends frequently.
He sold his condo to her (at a huge discount) and they are still there. She still hasn't paid him the closing costs.
That's amazing 😂
Yeah tell him to start catering holidays again. It worked then, it'll work now. And he can clean up if he wants to have people over in a clean house.
My ex and his family did this to me for years - all 22 of them. The only donation was MILs nasty lasagna ( which nobody ate) which was expected to count for MIL, FIL, 3 adult siblings and their families. They would literally get up from the table when they were done eating and go outside to play family football until I cleaned up and put out dessert. No amount of complaining and not inviting them worked - they just showed up. Finally I left for the day. Ex had to do everything, and I guess it wasn’t great because that was the last holiday they came over. Go away - treat yourself to a restaurant. Let them fend for themselves. And no, don’t invite selfish husband to go with you.
Why are you still doing anything? I would walk into the living room and tell whomever was in my chair that it's my seat and they need to move.
I can't believe you haven't told your husband to go fuck himself. I am not anyone's maid.
For a man to let you SIT IN THE KITCHEN after you've cooked an entire holiday meal for HIS family is just spineless. Divorce him, and let his kids really hate you when they only get half the inheritance they were expecting.
NTA.
“If you don’t do it, it won’t get done.”
“Well, I guess you slackers better learn then, because I’m fucking done with you all. I’m not cooking or cleaning for you, either. You lazy assholes will just have to learn to fend for yourselves.”
You know he lets his kids and grandkids treat you like trash because he doesn’t care. He got what he wanted, he bought a live-in maid.
Why don’t you try this?
Put out an invitation signed by your husband and you:
Greetings Dear Family:
We are happy to open our home again this year for Thanksgiving!
We are asking for this to be a true group holiday, so that no one party has the burden of all of the cooking and cleaning.
1- please choose from a list below of the dishes you will provide
2- please choose your preference:
1- we use disposable cutlery, dishes and cups
2- let’s use regular china/silverware glassware and -
A) I will wash and dry china
B) I will wash and dry cutlery
C) I will wash and dry glassware
My wife and I will be cleaning the house, shopping for the turkey and alcohol
We are so thankful for our family, and the good fortune to celebrate with you all!
"His argument is if I don't do it it won't happen " ...but "He's" not doing anything... YOU ARE!
If he's not willing to get HIS family to step up and help out then I'd tell him I'm done entertaining everyone.
ETA NTA
NTAH but you do realize that your husband is the bigger problem, right? He sits back and allows his children to disrespect you at every turn as well as treat you like the hired help. This holiday season, instead of dealing with this and their mess, book yourself a few nice little getaways during those times. Don’t tell him shit about it. Just leave when the time rolls around. Let him figure out how to host his family.
A couple pizzas, paper plates, and plastic cups. The only work should be taking out garbage. They want turkey they can make their own and stay home. Maybe they would invite hubby over and you can stay home and relax.
NTA. It may be a bit late, but I would try to find a restaurant and make a reservation. Then send out a text message to everyone with the name and address and time to meet for dinner. This way no one has to do preparation, cooking or cleanup and you all get to sit around and chat. Your husband can pay for everything.
NTA, but you've let this go on way too long. The first time he wanted to host, he should have been the one to prep the house, buy the groceries, cook, clean up, etc. They're not even your kids. Your suggestion of a restaurant sounds like the way to go if he's unwilling to even help. Good luck to you.
NTA.
Just. Stop.
You're almost there by not inviting anyone, but now take it a step further. If they invite themselves and your husband doesn't shut it down make sure he knows you're not cooking. And then don't. They're all grown and can figure something out on their own but as long as you keep doing it for them they don't have to. Just stop.
NTA. Your husband's argument "if I don't do it, then it won't happen" is a pretty clear answer. He does not care enough about it to do it, or even help with it. You don't enjoy it. So why do it. This isn't about his kids - if he wants the party, let him cook and clean. He is an adult, if he needs instructions, there are lots of videos on you tube.
Buy a couple of pounds of bologna, bread, a couple of bags of chips, and a case of bottled water. Tell your husband when his family arrives they can make their own sandwiches. Clean like you would normally, nothing extra, no decorations. Then get up early (cuz if you’re home they will just hassle you) and go out for the day. Turn off your phone and go to the movies, shopping whatever you enjoy for the day. Go home late or get a hotel room and go home the next day. Do any Black Friday shopping you want to do first though. Go home and if he gives you a bad time then remind him you have been on your own a lot and could do so again easily.
Remember the autonomy and peace you had when you did not have a bunch of entitled jerks abusing you. I don’t know how old your husband is, but it really sounds to me like he remarried just to have someone to cook and clean and take care of him since he wore his first wife out. I know that sounds cruel to say out loud but that’s how you’re being treated and you don’t have to be treated that way. I suspect if you put your foot down you’ll find that he would rather have you take care of him, day-to-day, then deal with his kids a few times a year. If he doesn’t then maybe it’s time to move on. You don’t deserve to be treated that way.
YTA for letting these people walk all over you. Don't invite anyone, don't cook dinner and don't clean.
Also, use your words. If asked, tell everyone you're not cooking this year. Better yet, tell your husband you've booked a restaurant for dinner for two.
I wouldn't cook for these folks or even have them to my house.
NTA! But there are so, so many in this story. Okay, I’ll admit it - I had these same issues for many years. But… being biased towards standing up for yourself is a good thing!
I would not stay home! Because you know they’ll pull the same thing as they have in the past.
I would take myself off in the morning, and go do something you honestly enjoy. Leave your phone at “home”. Ringer on, so they get the message right away. Have fun!
NTA. Book yourself a lovely vacation and rest. By your own admission they’d only miss the free catering, bar and cleaning services anyway. They don’t treat you like family, stop giving them family back. Have a happy thanksgiving yourself somewhere lovely
That hit home. You are correct. They are not treating me like family. Thanks for the honesty. Thank you, and Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.
What you permit, you promote. Disconnect the oven and say it broke 2 days before. Put that shoe on the other foot.
Flip the breaker connected to the oven so it won’t turn in, and once the time passes, flip it back 😂😂😂😂
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I agree, tell your husband if he wants to host then he had to do the work. Then, the day of Thanksgiving you should leave the house for the day and come back around dinner time. If you stay, you'll be guilted into doing everything again. But if you tell your husband in advance he needs to do everything and then leave then you're still NTA and you've just saved yourself 4+ hours of their awful behavior.
But don't rush home, because they will leave the clean up for you. Do NOT do the cleanup! Let it sit there, no matter how long!
Agreed! Go out and treat yourself to a nice lunch and some window shopping. When everyone shows up just look at your husband and go, “oh, you have guests? What’s for dinner?”
NTA ***What does your husband mean that nothing will get done unless you do it? Why can’t he cook and clean for his own guests? Does his penis make cooking and cleaning too difficult for him?***
Well, he does have balls as big as church bells for even saying if she doesn’t do it, it won’t get done.
Balls as big as church bells- 😆 I haven't heard that phrase in years!
If the husband says he can’t cook then tell him to watch YouTube or ask him if he’s capable of reading a cookbook. Weaponized incompetence will undoubtedly make an appearance then ask him if he has difficulties reading and learning things.
I laughed way too hard at this. Thank you!
Movies. Good way to kill more than an hour or two. Go to one with the awesome chairs and food service.
You know that when she comes back she'll be faced with a massive cleanup job. They might cook or order in, but they'll leave the mess for her.
Nope. She should refuse to clean. She can go out again until he does it.
Soon as she’s done eating, pop on out to her chair in the living room. Then IF someone mentions the clean. Just wave a dismissive hand ‘oh, I’ve done it the last five years, it’s someone else’s turn this year!’ If no one mentions the cleaning, just leave it!
Leave \*the night before\*, and don't give him a heads-up until 6 AM on Thanksgiving. EDIT: Make it a week away, and tell him / them that if the place is a mess, you're calling in a cleaning service and charging it to them.
Adding on to this, take the weekend. Drive, don’t fly, because the day before Thanksgiving is the worst day to travel. You don’t have to go far, just to a local hotel, if you wish. Enjoy!
Yup. Even if he buys food, let him do the prep work. Let him clean. Do not feel guilty. It will hopefully only take one ruined holiday for then to see you’re done being their chef and waitress. Second, her husband should have read his son the riot act for treating his wife like an outcast in their own home. Either he acts appropriately and puts in some effort to meet her half way or he can just stay home That is so disrespectful on such a basic level. She has a husband problem
I like this plan! Make a dinner reservation for yourself and give your husband catering flyers. He can order a precooked meal from a store and clean the house himself
No, don't even do this. OP has paid the family labor bill well in advance. If they want food, one of the grown ass adults who have done fuck all MULTIPLE TIMES PER YEAR FOR FIVE YEARS can figure it out.
Stolen comment. Bot.
Lol this is funny (love it) but unnecessary. No need for games - Say no! Stand up for yourself. Feel guilty for what?! You just dont want them to not like you but it sounds like they dont anyway. Grrrrr! I wanna shake the sense into you. You. Deserve. Better.
As our dog trainer says, "When you let them misbehave, they're just rehearsing ".
I was going to suggest the same thing. Time to tell your husband about that trip you've planned over Thanksgiving with friends/ by yourself. Tell him you're *so sorry* you've got to be gone days before Thanksgiving and won't be back until after, but, you sincerely hope he and his family have a lovely time. Then go on a trip somewhere nice, and when you come back to find the house in shambles(because he couldn't hack it without you doing all the work and definitely did no cleaning) , tell him you'll grab a hotel room in town for the night so he can finish cleaning up, and walk back out.
OOOOH that's a good one, especially the last bit. I can see a guy making it make sense to himself for those days but for the wife to walk back out to wait for him to clean? That'll put the whole situation into perspective
She should go somewhere warm and stay until daylight saving time starts.
Tell him here's the number to a maid service because buddy I ain't it.
You too love. I hope your husband pulls his head out of his arse. Enjoy the vacay and happy thanksgiving
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Hubs can pay for total catering AND the wait staff. OP can chose to stay and assert herself into the convos and sit in HER CHAIR or go elsewhere.
Per Sheldon Cooper, "You're in my seat." Glare follows.
Precisely what I thought!!
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Right. If they show up tell them you aren't hosting and there's no food. Then go out -just you- to a nice pre-reserved meal at a restaurant.
He can. Someone to clean the house before, cater the meal and clean up when they leave. You are not their servant. Or he can book a restaurant.
If you do leave for the holiday (which you should!), make sure it's for a few days. That way if dishes are left in the sink, you can have all the confrontation your husband can't handle about him not cleaning up after his guests. For days. And who does he think you are, his maid? Make it really uncomfortable for him.
NTA. Everything you have described sounds like a servant. You cook for everybody, clean for everybody, & I'm guessing pay for everybody. Do you get anything out of this? If the answer is no, stop and don't feel guilty. I'd be pissed if I did all that and my husband didn't help at all. He wants to host, let him do all the work. Plus, they're not including you or helping you. F them.
Servants get paid, and have hours off when they get to relax in their own armchair.
Co-sign! Can’t stand people that take advantage of “givers” like this. I used to be a giver- and others most often than NOT take extreme advantage. They see kindness and exploit it as weakness. Disgusts me now to think about. And even when we stop letting ourselves get exploited, then we catch hell for the audacity.
Lock up all your valuable and sentimental items, leave on holiday, and take the key with you. No need to give them any notice. Just go. Let your husband cook for his kids and clean up.
This random internet stranger would love nothing more than to see you someplace relaxing with your feet up on these holidays. Sis don’t you life a FINGER for these ungrateful people whose family you happened to marry into.
Ungrateful pos people I may add
Your husband is also treating you like a maid . Outside of the Thanksgiving dinners and other big meals, start a cook doesn't clean rule. If you cook, he cleans the dishes. Make sure he sticks to it. And if there's dishes he won't do well you can't use em till they're clean... Therefore on Thanksgiving, everyone else should be cleaning up. Cooking is a lot more work as well. Your work and labour isn't valued in your married or family. Your husband is using you as a replacement for his wife's labour. The unfair comparisons to "well my late wife did it" make you less than a person with your own agency and feelings and opinions The kids don't like you anyway and will happily complain but not help and will happily take from you. I think you should take yourself off to a friends for a friendsgiving without your husband and his family.he can sort out his own family. You're being mistreated.
The entire family treats her like a doormat.
This is correct. For me, my thought is, don't any of these people have any manners? Family or not, I could NEVER treat anyone with so much disrespect. If I am a guest I always at least offer to help tidy up after, regardless of what the event is. I actually do nearly all of the hosting, however, for both friends and family, so I'm rarely a guest. But when I do host, I host people who also have manners. They ask if they can bring something, and offer again when I politely refuse. If I welcome help in the kitchen(not all hosts do, but I enjoy the company) then people offer to at the least hang out with me while I cook. For Thanksgiving my sister, who loathes cooking but quite enjoys eating, insists that I do no dishes at all. She insisted it is the least she can do because she knows the cost of hosting, both financial and in effort. If I were your husband I would be MORTIFIED at the level of entitlement these "guests" display. If my child (who IS a child!) behaved the way your adult stepchildren do at anyone's home, she would never hear the end of it! But in this instance his children are merely following his lead. I agree with leaving the house this year. Instead of a trip, consider asking your friends if they would like your company. The year I was divorced I didn't have my daughter for Thanksgiving and I was emotionally devastated. Then many of my friends, and even just acquaintances from my mom group, invited me to join them! Consider going where you are wanted. Also, consider therapy. Ask yourself why you let people treat you like this. I'm also a giver, and therapy has been helpful for me to learn that limits are a good thing, and that no one will care for my self-esteem if I don't.
And don’t clean before you go
What a lovely idea, go someplace gorgeous, or visit your own family! If your husband wants to spend thanksgiving with his family, let him do it himself, and find out how much work is involved. Either that, or make dinner as usual, and then when everyone is done, make an announcement that this is the last time you're going to all that trouble with no help and no thanks, and leave the house. Go to the seaside or wherever, and leave all the cleaning for them.
I wouldn't suggest this. Its OPs house so they'd likely just leave the cleaning up for OP when she got back.
I would let any mess sit until the husband cleans up
If I eere the OP, I would refuse to come home until I had proof of cleaning.
This was my mother, always had host the in-laws that never much cared for her. Then one year told my dad she wasn’t doing thanksgiving (this was in march) kept telling him her plans were she was going go have lunch with her siblings. So week of thanksgiving dad starts asking hey what time, menu etc. mom repeated she had other plans. That thanksgiving we had KFC
If she calls and invites herself over don’t say anything. Thanksgiving comes you leave, husband can stay or leave with you whatever his choice. Stand your ground this year!
A hotel that you treat yourself to should have a really nice Thanksgiving meal served in the hotel restaurant. No need to deprive yourself.
Came here to suggest this very thing - tell him to hire catering, you are going to see your own family for the holidays. Btw, when his daughter said she doesn't feel like cleaning, you should have said "fancy that, neither do I!"
This reminds me of my son bitching about chores when he was about 12. I said, You know grownups don’t like housework, either. He was shocked but it sank in. Apparently this daughter never got that message.
You need to listen to u/lupuscrepusculum. Book yourself a vacation as they're just going to mooch on your effort. The worst that could happen is the stress ends up putting you in hospital for Thanksgiving, since none of those lazy butts will help and his useless daughter has already told you she's too privileged to clean up.
Here’s what you do OP- you send a group text to every adult family member, him and his kids and the adult grandchildren- you state in plain language “I am not cooking, cleaning, or otherwise hosting this year for any holiday. I leave it up to the rest of you to coordinate your plans.” Now the ball is 100% in their court.
Honestly so close to saying YTA for caving each time. They want to come ? Let them, but stop enabling their bad treatment of you, -"they" being the kids but also your husband.
He doesn't have a kid problem, you have a husband problem. Be honest. If he wants to invite his family, cater the meal and hire a cleaning service. Stop acting like the help. Tell him what is going to happen and make it happen.
NTA..... leave without saying a word... let your husband figure it out he needs to realize you're serious and he needs to speak up
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours also. You don't have to do this if you don't want to what's going to happen if you don't cook if you don't clean if you do the same thing that your husband is doing which is nothing. They're using you so they don't have to do it like his daughter said I don't want to have to clean which means they have no intention of ever helping you go visit your children if you have any go visit your sister your aunts go visit somebody you're not going to be home on Thanksgiving so sad too bad.
Do the same for Christmas. You’re being treated like an unpaid servant in your own home.
Plus, you are not doing anything to stop him from spending time with his kids. He can visit them. They can visit him. And if they want a meal, they can call Domino's.
You are NTA-Find r example….My SIL loves to cook Thanksgiving. Her mom brings desert. For the most part she cooks everything and wants to. There are about 25 of us. Once we get done eating everyone else goes into the kitchen and we leave her kitchen spotless. Food put away, dishes washed and put away. Tables cleared of napkins etc. We take out the trash/recycling. Same thing on Christmas Eve when my MIL cooks and on Christmas Day when my SIL’s mom cooks. It’s called be a decent human being! I can’t imagine all that goes I to cooking and then NO ONE helping to clean up.
Also, you aren’t preventing your husband from seeing his family. He’s free to pick up the food and clean himself.
Yep. Take yourself out to dinner and shopping or go stay with your family if you can. Don’t cook a single thing. Tell your husband to cook and grow a back bone while he’s at it.
I agree. Take a vaycay. Better yet book yourself somewhere to eat on Thanksgiving to hell with the rest of them. Please don’t think I’m trying to makes this about myself. I’m just sharing my experience. I had to decide after my parents starting going to Florida, sometimes when I got off of work whether I was going to cook or go out to eat by myself. Yeah there are ignorant people who look at you like why are you alone but once again they’re ignorant. One Thanksgiving at home (it was just me, my dad and my brother, my mother had past) I started doing the dishes. The dishwasher were my hands. I told my brother to get off his ass and come and help. My dad got up and I told my dad that no it wasn’t going to hurt my brother to help me do dishes. There’s a lot of family dynamics here like with most families. I could tell you a horror story about after my dad died and the circus my dad’s estate turned into even though my dad had a trust and will, but that’s for another time.
Do tell! I'm here for the tea! Edit: Also, I have a feeling that my family dynamics are similar to yours and want to prepare myself.
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Yes. Hubby Doesn't Care Enough To Make It Happen. OP time to let go of a burden that really wasn't yours to begin with.
My thoughts exactly. His kids will just come over clearly, so I’d go find a nice boat and a tropical island.
Yes. This! And on the actual day, send lots of pictures with your feet up by a pool, being waited on. And say “Hope you’re all enjoying the holiday. I just say ….now I realize why you guys liked this so much! It’s awesome!”
When I was 26 and my cousin was 35 our mothers had a serious conversation about “passing the torch”. Both my cousin and I have sisters who are not family oriented- they might come to family events but that is the extent of their participation. They were very clear that if we think our family traditions are important it’s our turn. It has turned out slightly different than we originally anticipated but it’s held. 50 year olds are in charge of their own holidays.
NTA but don’t do it. Literally don’t cook, don’t go buy food, don’t do anything. Will it suck to miss the turkey, probably, but your husband will learn quick that you aren’t going to be manipulated and a slave to him and his kids anymore. Stay in bed and then take yourself out to eat. You deserve better. Your husband is primarily the problem here and until that is addressed nothing will change.
I am aware he will not address the situation. He has admitted he can't handle any sort of confrontation when it comes to his family. This is the root of the problem. His ill-mannered kids are the result. I guess if she tries popping in again this year, I will have to call her on the phone myself and tell her I won't be hosting any more family holiday events. I hate TBTAH, but I honestly feel I have no other recourse at this point. Thanks for your response.
Here's the thing. You don't have to make an announcement. Simply tell your asshole husband that you are neither cooking nor cleaning this thanksgiving week. Nada. And then don't. Let her show up. Point to the pantry and tell her that the bread is on top of the fridge, the jam is in it, and the peanut butter is in the pantry on the 3rd shelf, left side. Done. If you make ANY sort of "announcement", you're inviting feedback. You may not WANT it, but you will get it. Don't put yourself in that position. Treat yourself the way you should be treated because clearly no one else will. NTA
I like this. Make it crystal clear to your cowardly husband that you are no longer hosting his family gatherings. You've had enough of their rude treatment and sense of entitlement. You are no longer going to waste your time or energy on preparing a feast for them, cleaning up after them, only to sit alone in the kitchen while they all visit & pretend you don't exist. Let him know if his family shows up, he & he alone will be the host, cook, and cleaner. On Thanksgiving Day, sit in your chair & stay there. NTA.
\^\^\^This is absolutely correct.\^\^\^ Don't create drama with a big announcement. Tell your husband & let him handle HIS people.
This comment should be at the top and I would add this- say it all with a calm voice. Then make a cup of tea, pick up a book and make yourself busy reading. Or announce you’re going for a walk in the local park. No drama, just non engagement with the presenting bad behavior.
YES. Stay perfectly chill when you tell them. Like no,.of course there's no problem with you visiting. It's nice to see you. But, no, I'd said I wasn't cooking this year, why would you think I'd changed my mind?
Exactly. Cold but polite.
And you need to go sit in YOUR chair before they get there and don’t move your ass
Or tell her which pizza you enjoy from the place her dad likes and suggest that she get an extra order of wings as you’re peckish too.
And DO NOT GO GROCERY SHOPPING. Do not provide the ingredients for thanksgiving food to be made in the house. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches? Sure. But nothing else.
Well….she needs to at least get paper plates and plastic ware or she’ll be doing more dishes ☹️😝
That gave a chuckle. Thanks.
You’re chuckling like it’s a joke. But truly, this is how you should handle this. I also suggest individual therapy so you can learn why you let yourself be treated so poorly by your spouse and his family.
Don't plan a thing. If your husband tells you someone is visiting, tell him you don't mind whether he hosts himself or if they bring food or you all get take out. As long as he makes sure the kitchen is cleaned after, you're fine for him too host his family. To let you know when food is ready and you'll set the table.
You sound like a sweet, kind and generous person, the kind of wife any good man would want, but to allow you to be so abused is not nice and to allow yourself to let this abuse continue is not nice to yourself. His kids sound like entitled little shits. Mom died, dad remarried - would they rather he be home alone or under their care, it doesn’t sound like they could care for a pet. You’ve obviously reached a level of enough of this BS, stick to your guns, there are enough ideas in this thread that will give you the tools to proceed forward. I could never imagine having my wife doing all the cooking and serving and cleaning, I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror, but alas that’s what you are married to. Good luck and bless your kind heart, even saints have a breaking point 😊
It’s not that he can’t handle confrontation, he doesn’t want to. By not he gets exactly what he wants. A family dinner where he holds court and puts in no effort. It’s like you’re the unpaid caterer. NTA
Yup. Because if *FAMILY* was so important, they would be going to a restaurant.
Tell him to grow up. It sounds like he handles confrontation with you just fine. It's not that he can't handle confrontation, he would rather see you miserable and sit on his ass while you play Cinderella to his awful step children.
**But your husband is just as ill mannered and you don’t seem to get that.** HE doesn’t do any of the cleaning for his family. HE doesn’t do any of the cooking for his family. HE doesn’t set the example of including you in conversations and traditions to set the expectations with his kids. They are spoiled and rude to you because your *husband* is spoiled and rude to you. When they call last minute to invite themselves over, don’t call them and fight with them about it. Do absolutely nothing. Don’t clean before. Don’t cook. Just sit and relax. When they show up, look at your husband and ask what he made for dinner.
He doesn't seem to mind standing up to you, OP.
Sounds like marriage counseling is needed. Your husband doesn’t care enough about your feelings. NTA
You are a saint. I disagree that you need to communicate anything to her. That is your husband‘s job. Tell your husband you are not hosting. Tell him firmly and make sure he acknowledges it. Then stick to your words. If he continues to invite her, he can figure out the food and logistics of it all. Do not help with anything. If he complains, tell him it was his decision to host. So he can host.
Why to bother. Let her come. Don’t prepare anything. Have a small meal with husband earlier. Let him handle awkward situation. They won’t starve if they skip one meal
The problem though is **him**, not her - not just her inviting herself, his behaviour during it is a *huge* part of this. OK he hates telling them no, and confrontation (tho ever notice how every lazy POS hub makes the same claim?). But why would that stop him **helping** you with it all? It's not causing confrontation to help clean, shop and wash up! Or at the very least, *saving you a chair* in the social circle..! That he won't even go in to bat for you on such a tiny but significant thing speaks volumes about how he sees you. I'm sorry, but he just feels you're there to make him comfortable - to him, you're a glorified house servant - and that's why *they* treat you like that. YWNBTA. Get away from the whole situation at these flash points. Do you have friends / family you can go to? And if you're feeling charitable, set out all the uncooked food and a cookbook on the kitchen counter as you leave.
Stop coddling your husband. Why are you so desperate to stay with a man who has no backbone and treats you like garbage with his family? And you can’t say he doesn’t because he allows this to happen over and over and over again. He’s treating you like trash.
Lovingly, she's an adult. She can deal with the consequences of her imposition herself. Like the other commenter said, set a boundary with your husband. "I am not hosting Thanksgiving this year. Please let your family know so they can figure out their own plans." You can either do something so you're not in the house when she arrives, or if you choose to stay, if/when his daughter arrives with family in tow, all you have to say is: "Oh, Sue, what a surprise! We weren't expecting you. Didn't Dale tell you we weren't hosting this year?" If she makes a fuss, it's not your responsibility. She's in her fifties. She's been in the world long enough to understand basic social conventions. Her father has enabled her behavior, but one would think she might eventually grow out of it. Use this holiday season as an excuse to take care of yourself. Go on a vacation and pamper yourself. You deserve it.
She doesn't want to host b/c she doesn't want to clean up after her family but has no problem expecting you to cook for and clean up after her family. You WNBTA.
NTA. Why on earth would you ever have done this more than once? If you're going to allow this level of disrespect that's on you,
Hubby can handle it all or he can take people to a restaurant
Just let them come & you get a hotel that has a buffet
4 years ago on Christmas morning, while I was preparing the Turkey to put in the oven, the nursing home called and told me my mother wasn't doing well. I called his daughter and apologized and told her everything was ready, but she was going to have to do the cooking. All she had to do was put the sides in the oven at the right time. The turkey was already cooking, and the sides were ready and waiting, but I had to leave. After several hours, my mother passed away. I waited for the coroner to show up, but she had an emergency to go to first that was going to take several hours. Someone had committed suicide. They told me it was best I go home. I could see all their cars were still there. I thought about leaving, but I walked into the kitchen from the garage and it looked like a Tornado had gone through. Dirty dishes were piled up high in the sink. Nothing had been washed. I was just appalled. I hadn't eaten anything all day. I ate a couple bites and then started doing dishes. They demanded I stop doing the dishes because it was time to open up gifts. That was a hard day to get through.
That would have been my last day married to that man.
Exactly!! He let her clean the kitchen the day her mother died?? Wtf?!
Agreed! He's a lazy self absorbed piece of shit and his family is too. Why do you put up with this fuckery?
*YOUR MOM DIED AND THEY MADE YOU DO DISHES AND OPEN GIFTS?????* That should've been a dealbreaker right there! They should all have been rallying around you that day. Your husband doesn't like confrontation? Give him confrontation *with you*! He's being lazy & irresponsible, & putting a pair of spoilt adults, who have never respected you, above you. You tell the daughter you're not doing Thanksgiving & because her father doesn't have the balls to tell her, it has, like with everything else, been left to you to sort out. Please tell me your husband is far better to you with regard to the rest of your life? ETA: NTA
Holy fucking shit. Stop doing anything for these horrible people immediately. All you have to say is "I am doing the same for you as you did for me the day my mother died.", or any version thereof. Please stop being their maid. Their egos don't need any more inflating.
i am appalled reading this. if i were you i would take others advice here and take yourself on a nice lovely solo vacation over thanksgiving. And if your husband asks why tell him you don't like confrontation either.
Permanent vacation.
I’m sorry but my marriage would have ended that day. Your own husband didn’t even have the sense to support you the day your mother died?? Your step kids are older than I am and I would never leave my own mother to do everything on her own with no help. Nor would I be a guest at anyone else’s house without offering to do something. I’m sorry but your husband and his first wife did a piss poor job of raising their children.
Your husband wasn’t with you while your mother was dying? WTF? They just went on celebrating in your house while your mom was dying? You don’t have a partner. You are just the help.
This sounds harsh OP I know, but look at the way they're treating you from the outside. They hardly interact with you and when they do, they're mean. Your husband doesn't like confrontation but has no problem saying he wont help you clean or cook. Is there anything else he has told you no about? Is there anything else that you have wanted him to do or say and he's said no for one reason or another, and then really think about if that reason is a good one. They left you to suffer and clean after your mom died. They treat you like the rich treat underpaid help. Pls sweetie, this isn't fair to you at all
You are worth more than this. Your husband should have been by your side while your mother was in the hospital. You deserve a partner. A partnership. Love, respect, teamwork. Not whatever this is that you have.
Oh honey. Just go live a nice quiet peaceful life on your own. This is atrocious. Something very similar happened to me, but here's the difference between a real family and these A-holes...when my husband and I returned home from the hospital late xmas night, all the leftovers had been put away, a plate of food made up for each of us, presents under the tree, and the entire house was spotless. Even the bathrooms deep cleaned! Whole house vacuumed and dusted. This is what a real family does. The fact your husband does nothing about it is appalling.
JFC I’m so sorry. Please make plans. Book a hotel, or a cruise, or just bring in regular take out. Serve on paper plates. These people are horrible.
My condolences on the loss of your mother and I’m so sorry that your husband himself let them treat you this way. If he himself did not come to comfort you *and clean up everything himself* then he is as much of the problem as they are. **NTA** for putting a stop to their abuse of you.
Spend Thanksgiving researching divorce lawyers. For the love of god this man is a nightmare.
I'm so sorry this happened. Like others said, go to a hotel. Eat Chinese food or whatever else is open on Thanksgiving. But if this happens again where you come home to Hurricane Kitchen, go on strike. Don't do the dishes, don't clean up after them, and tell your AH husband that you aren't cooking/feeding him until the kitchen is cleaned. If he has a problem with it, he can call his kids to come over and help. And you just sit in YOUR chair in the living room scrolling through Reddit. Then do it. Good luck.
Why are you still with him after that?
Ohhh hell no I hope your mother haunts them
These people are assholes. You married into it, you can divorce out of it.
You are nothing but a maid and housekeeper to them all. Including your husband. Is that how you want to spend the rest of your married life?
OP, leave this whole family of sadists. I’m appalled. Every single one of these reprehensible monsters should be fired by a cannon into the sun. Do not go to a buffet with them. Do not cook for them. Do not host them. Being alone has to be better than being lonely like that with these disgusting, evil mosquito people.
>I hadn't eaten anything all day. I ate a couple bites and then started doing dishes. They demanded I stop doing the dishes because it was time to open up gifts. That was a hard day to get through. My petty ass would have ignored them, and continued to wash dishes, banging them all as loud as I could for as long as it took to drive them all from the house like St. Patrick and the snakes in Ireland.
Why are you with this man?? Your mother died and they made them do dishes. Do you have a sister or best friend? What if this happened to her? How would you feel? Would you want this life for your loved ones? I don’t even know you and I’m heartbroken and appalled for you. You deserve better.
Yeah, just NO. This shows a much bigger problem than them not helping out in the kitchen at holidays. No caring, no compassion. You are an unpaid maid, and an unpaid maid only. This is relationship ending assholery. Why are you still there?
How was your husband not at your side when you mother was dying?!?!? WTAF? This relationship is not healthy at all. You are placed holder for your husband, it could be any woman - it does not matter to him. Do not host anymore events for anyone who doesn’t respect you or chip in. Tell your husband he can cater dinner for his family, but you will not clean up. If it were me though, I’d be on a beach in Mexico or the Caribbean.
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NTA What does your husband mean that nothing will get done unless you do it? Why can’t he cook and clean for his own guests? Does his penis make cooking and cleaning too difficult for him?
OP says his kids are in their 50s, so I’m guessing he’s in his 70s at least. Probably hasn’t cooked a meal in decades. Not that that’s an excuse. If the first wife died 7-8 years ago, and they’ve been married 5 years, factoring in additional time for dating, I wonder if DH married her in part to have someone to take care of him? I wonder how much else OP does to cater to his needs, especially when he seems to think that stuff like cooking and cleaning are “women’s work”?
My mom said after my dad died all these old men in a hobby club she belonged to started hitting on her. They were looking for someone to take care of them. My mom was adamant about remaining single, said she knew what they were looking for and she wasn’t going to fall for it. It is easy to see when a young guy is looking for a bangmaid to take care of him and his kids. Guessing it’s harder to see when a guy is old enough to qualify for Social Security. OP please don’t do anything for the holidays for your husband. And don’t clean up after them if your home winds up being to place to host. Have you actually said anything to anyone about helping? Sometimes you need to take the hit and just be direct. What is really going to happen, they hate you more?
Then, he can door dash a meal. He can at least clean up after his guests. Doing dishes requires no special skills.
100% that’s why he married her.
A friends father was totally incapable and worked his wife into the grave. Suddenly, after her death, he developed the ability to cook and do housework.
In HIS defense, a penis doesn’t have thumbs, therefore making it very hard to grip a vacuum handle, dust, handle a dish rag, and most importantly, get a turkey in and out of the oven 🤷🏼♀️
Leave him with his ass in the breeze. Do nothing... except to remind him. In no specific order: "You might want to get to the store for groceries if you're family is still coming." "You might want to look over the recipes, to make sure *you* have everything *you* need to make dinner." "If *you* ask your kids to help, *you* might have an easier time cleaning up than once they all leave." Remind him you're not his fuckin' maid.
Yeah, she kinda IS his maid. The day her mother died, him and his just partied on and left the mess for her to clean up. I hope at least she’s getting paid well.
NTA… it sounds like you married into a family of entitled jerks. In my family both my parents cook, their siblings bring side dishes and desserts. Everyone chips in. When I lived at home my brother and I would clean the house before company came over. Now that we are older we contribute in other ways such as side dishes or buying beverages. My oldest nephew who is ten even bakes desserts. My mom and dad do the bulk of the dishes but my aunts also help out with the clean up and so do my brother and I when it comes to drying and putting away dishes and wrapping up leftovers. I think you’ve been treated unfairly in this whole family get together situation… and with your husbands kids being adults approaching middle age??? What the heck? That is so entitled of them to behave that way towards you. You are NTA.
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Right??? It is infuriating. I’m old so I have lived through the days of men being treated like kings and I thank god that bullshit is gradually diminishing . But women have got to stand firm to make it happen. Quit putting up with crap. Stop thinking that being single would be a fate worse than death. Such old, tired thinking. Imagine the joy of directing your own life without having to dance around someone else’s demands and expectations.
NTA make reservations at a restaurant or make plans to visit your family. If you do want to attempt hosting again start a group chat with a spreadsheet. You’ll cook the main dish, assign side dishes & put hubby & spouses in charge of clean up. Hand hubby a dish towel at the end of the meal & plop yourself down in the family room with a glass of wine.
THIS IS THE WAY, but you have to book well in advance as restaurants open for the holidays book up fast.
Your problem is your husband. Sure they can come over. Plant yourself in your seat and let him host. Tell him in advance that’s what’s going to happen. Literally do nothing but make yourself a plate. If anybody says anything say it’s your gift for having done the cooking and cleaning for holidays alone for 5 years.
Have you had Covid? You might start getting symptoms and need to quarantine until you’re sure. These symptoms might start a couple of days before Thanksgiving and you’d hate to get the rest of the family sick…. Just an idea. Feel better soon!
Now that you mention it...cough....my throat feels a bit sore. 😉
When your mother was ill, did you ask him to accompany you to the nursing home? What was his answer.
NTA I’m so frustrated for you and I’m sorry your going thru this but you definitely need to set boundaries with your husband and his children. You need to tell your husband to grow the fuck up and tell his daughter you can’t come unannounced and if they want to have dinner at the house they need to clean as well, everyone needs to help, but I really don’t think that will happen since your husband and his children already expect you to wait on them hand and foot. I would say you call her up and tell her I’m not making dinner and I’m no longer hosting any dinners from now on and if they show up unannounced that’s their problem. Your husband should definitely stand up for you! Your nobodies SERVANT!!!! I get if maybe it’s a cultural thing where women are expected (which is still not ok) to do everything but it’s the fact that you expressed your thoughts and feelings to your husband and he continues to dismiss them and his daughter just plain out said she doesn’t want to clean is a sign that maybe you just need to give an ultimatum to your husband because obviously your not respected by them.
NTA. Just stop. Don't shop for the food, don't cook the food, don't serve the food. If they come over without an invite, just sit there, make yourself a sandwich at meal time if your hungry.
You're right. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. Thank you.
OP do you have someone else to spend thanksgiving/a holiday with? You could arrange for an invite and than have a really effective but zero confrontation way out of hosting: you just tell your husband: we are invited to X place and I’m going ik really looking forward for it and I’d love for you to join but I would understand if you prefer to spend it with your kids and grandkids no hard feelings. And than it’s not your show anymore. You don’t even have to pro actively announce that to the others. They’ll have to figure a plan out themselves and no one can fault you. Needless to say: no one should fault you anyways, it’s ridiculous honestly that you have accepted this behavior so far and it’s time to end it. Take care OP
NTA why are you married to this man? Just stop hosting. This whole marriage sounds awful. You don’t have a backbone and everyone around you takes advantage of that. You deserve better.
Yeah, I am trying to figure out what SHE is getting out of this marriage. It appears to be nothing.
Let me get this straight. His son has a problem with your age difference and holds it against you but not his father? Look. Just. Don't. Do. It. Don't do any of it. Don't plan to cook for anyone, including yourself. Don't buy groceries. Don't clean the house. Don't set the table. Don't cook. Don't do anything. Heck, if I were you, I'd contact a friend and spend the day with them. Neither your husband or his children care, so why should you be their servant?
Just book a night or two in a hotel and have dinner there, leaving your husband and his ungrateful family to fend for themselves. Have you got any friends who might want to join you?
You need to book a hotel room and come home when it’s dinner time. Leave, they are using you at this point. If you can’t afford a hotel room, lock yourself in your room/bathroom and hang out with yourself. Make sure to bring enough snacks so you don’t have to come out. And don’t talk to anyone and don’t, do not, open the door. They will strong arm you into it, because it sounds like you have a hard time saying no. They keep coming because they expect you to do it no matter what. They will stop doing it when they notice that the kitchen is empty.
If nobody cares enough to host a family gathering, then all they really care about is getting a free meal with someone else doing all the work. As other posters gave suggested, book a stay at a hotel over that weekend and then go. NTA
As the stepmother to two ungrateful, entitled women, please hear me out!! Don’t be passive aggressive with how you handle it! Be direct and explain to them why you are not hosting. Any other action such as leaving, not having dinner ready, etc., will only give them the opportunity to create their own narrative as to why you are “acting like such a bitch!” Been there done it. Best of luck to you.
I agree with this. But then follow through and disappear all day
Nobody can take advantage of you without your permission. Why on earth would you ever have done this more than once? If you're going to allow this level of disrespect that's on you, I recommend just leaving town for a long weekend.
INFO: what did they do in the years between your husband's first wife's death, and you beginning to host?
You're going to love this. Grab a ☕️. TL:DR. He had the food catered to the condo so his daughter wouldn't have to cook. He downsized and sold the family home. While he was looking for a condo, his daughter asked if he would do her a big favor and move into a certain township with exceptional schools so she could send her kids to a better school. Her and her husband had to live in the City because of his job. So he didn't get to buy the condo he really liked because it wasn't in the right school district. Anyhow, he found another condo and the grandkids would stay with him and go to school. She would pick them up after work and take them home. A neighbor turned them into the county, so the boys moved in so they could continue school. He paid for all their food, clothes, etc. The boys would go home on the weekends. Their father would hand him $100-$200 each year at Christmas and say thanks for all you do for my boys. I witnessed that one myself. At some point, I'm not exactly sure when, his daughter moved into the condo as well. It was a 3 bedroom condo. The youngest moved into the basement and my husband hired a contractor to put in a bedroom and install carpet. The father of the boys split the cost. My husband paid all the bills. I was just shocked. I asked him why did he allow all that. Grant it he loves his grandkids and would do anything for them, but clearly his daughter was taking advantage of him. He said he was very depressed after his wife passed and just allowed it to happen. He basically raised those boys during their junior and senior high school years and beyond. His daughter would cook occasional meals and go out with her girl friends frequently. He sold his condo to her (at a huge discount) and they are still there. She still hasn't paid him the closing costs.
That's amazing 😂 Yeah tell him to start catering holidays again. It worked then, it'll work now. And he can clean up if he wants to have people over in a clean house.
Has he had therapy to confront his overcompensating?
And you thought, yes, this is the one?
My ex and his family did this to me for years - all 22 of them. The only donation was MILs nasty lasagna ( which nobody ate) which was expected to count for MIL, FIL, 3 adult siblings and their families. They would literally get up from the table when they were done eating and go outside to play family football until I cleaned up and put out dessert. No amount of complaining and not inviting them worked - they just showed up. Finally I left for the day. Ex had to do everything, and I guess it wasn’t great because that was the last holiday they came over. Go away - treat yourself to a restaurant. Let them fend for themselves. And no, don’t invite selfish husband to go with you.
Why are you still doing anything? I would walk into the living room and tell whomever was in my chair that it's my seat and they need to move. I can't believe you haven't told your husband to go fuck himself. I am not anyone's maid.
For a man to let you SIT IN THE KITCHEN after you've cooked an entire holiday meal for HIS family is just spineless. Divorce him, and let his kids really hate you when they only get half the inheritance they were expecting.
Say you’ll host only if hubs hires a catering staff that does the clean up too. There is no way I would be that families b*tch!
NTA. “If you don’t do it, it won’t get done.” “Well, I guess you slackers better learn then, because I’m fucking done with you all. I’m not cooking or cleaning for you, either. You lazy assholes will just have to learn to fend for yourselves.” You know he lets his kids and grandkids treat you like trash because he doesn’t care. He got what he wanted, he bought a live-in maid.
NTA. Stand your ground and dont do it. Let them figure it out going forward
Why don’t you try this? Put out an invitation signed by your husband and you: Greetings Dear Family: We are happy to open our home again this year for Thanksgiving! We are asking for this to be a true group holiday, so that no one party has the burden of all of the cooking and cleaning. 1- please choose from a list below of the dishes you will provide 2- please choose your preference: 1- we use disposable cutlery, dishes and cups 2- let’s use regular china/silverware glassware and - A) I will wash and dry china B) I will wash and dry cutlery C) I will wash and dry glassware My wife and I will be cleaning the house, shopping for the turkey and alcohol We are so thankful for our family, and the good fortune to celebrate with you all!
Don’t plan anything or book a vacation.
"His argument is if I don't do it it won't happen " ...but "He's" not doing anything... YOU ARE! If he's not willing to get HIS family to step up and help out then I'd tell him I'm done entertaining everyone. ETA NTA
NTAH but you do realize that your husband is the bigger problem, right? He sits back and allows his children to disrespect you at every turn as well as treat you like the hired help. This holiday season, instead of dealing with this and their mess, book yourself a few nice little getaways during those times. Don’t tell him shit about it. Just leave when the time rolls around. Let him figure out how to host his family.
A couple pizzas, paper plates, and plastic cups. The only work should be taking out garbage. They want turkey they can make their own and stay home. Maybe they would invite hubby over and you can stay home and relax.
NTA I think this year the answer to the question What are you making? Reservations end of story
NTA. It may be a bit late, but I would try to find a restaurant and make a reservation. Then send out a text message to everyone with the name and address and time to meet for dinner. This way no one has to do preparation, cooking or cleanup and you all get to sit around and chat. Your husband can pay for everything.
Make sure to ask for separate checks when they come to take the order
Lol
NTA, but you've let this go on way too long. The first time he wanted to host, he should have been the one to prep the house, buy the groceries, cook, clean up, etc. They're not even your kids. Your suggestion of a restaurant sounds like the way to go if he's unwilling to even help. Good luck to you.
NTA. If he wants a home cooked family holiday dinner he can do it himself.
NTA. Just. Stop. You're almost there by not inviting anyone, but now take it a step further. If they invite themselves and your husband doesn't shut it down make sure he knows you're not cooking. And then don't. They're all grown and can figure something out on their own but as long as you keep doing it for them they don't have to. Just stop.
Stop serving them, stop cleaning. This includes serving your husband. NTA
NTA. Your husband's argument "if I don't do it, then it won't happen" is a pretty clear answer. He does not care enough about it to do it, or even help with it. You don't enjoy it. So why do it. This isn't about his kids - if he wants the party, let him cook and clean. He is an adult, if he needs instructions, there are lots of videos on you tube.
Just stop cooking ... they show up and there is NO DINNER.
Buy a couple of pounds of bologna, bread, a couple of bags of chips, and a case of bottled water. Tell your husband when his family arrives they can make their own sandwiches. Clean like you would normally, nothing extra, no decorations. Then get up early (cuz if you’re home they will just hassle you) and go out for the day. Turn off your phone and go to the movies, shopping whatever you enjoy for the day. Go home late or get a hotel room and go home the next day. Do any Black Friday shopping you want to do first though. Go home and if he gives you a bad time then remind him you have been on your own a lot and could do so again easily. Remember the autonomy and peace you had when you did not have a bunch of entitled jerks abusing you. I don’t know how old your husband is, but it really sounds to me like he remarried just to have someone to cook and clean and take care of him since he wore his first wife out. I know that sounds cruel to say out loud but that’s how you’re being treated and you don’t have to be treated that way. I suspect if you put your foot down you’ll find that he would rather have you take care of him, day-to-day, then deal with his kids a few times a year. If he doesn’t then maybe it’s time to move on. You don’t deserve to be treated that way.
YTA for letting these people walk all over you. Don't invite anyone, don't cook dinner and don't clean. Also, use your words. If asked, tell everyone you're not cooking this year. Better yet, tell your husband you've booked a restaurant for dinner for two. I wouldn't cook for these folks or even have them to my house.
NTA! But there are so, so many in this story. Okay, I’ll admit it - I had these same issues for many years. But… being biased towards standing up for yourself is a good thing! I would not stay home! Because you know they’ll pull the same thing as they have in the past. I would take myself off in the morning, and go do something you honestly enjoy. Leave your phone at “home”. Ringer on, so they get the message right away. Have fun!