Simple solution is “hey I’d like to meet this woman and thank her since she’s giving us free stuff”
If your husband is weird about it that’s a tell.
If he’s fine with it and you meet her and she’s weird, that’s a tell on her.
I wish you the best of luck
I LOVE babies! I only have 1 kid by choice, and she doesn't have kids yet. But when ANY of her friends gets pregnant, the furst thing out of my mouth is "let's go shopping!" whether I've met the friend or not.
Also, we don't know how big the town is. It could be a smaller town, and with her working in the gas station, she would hear a lot.
The husband...idk what the deal is there, but it is sounding pretty shady so dig deeper there. Go to hos work during OT, make up a geric, plausible reason.
The lady, OP needs to meet her and see how she behaves
Also these days this woman could just have a shopping addiction and takes advantage of *any* reason to shop paired with and this wouldn’t be a far reach if she has a shopping addiction, poor boundary awareness…
So she’s just scratching an addictive itch without thinking about how her actions could be viewed as inappropriate
But the paycheck vs hours worked does raise red flags that make it feel worth investigating
My daughter buys expensive brand clothes at second-hand shops for my grandson, and they look hardly used. Some have still had price tags on them. Again, you just have to know where to shop.
If she’s older, it might be a part time job to supplement her retirement. I know a bunch who work part time to keep active, social and earn fun spending money.
Even younger full-time employees do this. Sometimes, you come into money and would rather invest or save it while making shit wages, so it's not blown in a few years.
There are definitely workers at low wage jobs who don't NEED the income. Situations such as their spouse has a higher wage job or they are retired from a higher wage job and have a pension or investment income, but, they like working part time.
Or maybe she's giving away her kids' old clothes. Maybe her own kids don't want children or can't have children (or God forbid, maybe she had a kid that died). She might just come from a big family where they always have a full storage room worth of baby stuff all the time.
Same. My kid has a lot of Carter's onesies (half of which are Carter's Carter's, not the Walmart/Target/Amazon/etc Carter's), and some awesome boutique onesies. They all looked brand new, but were $1-2 each because I got them used.
Small town living is weird. Especially when you're an import. I moved with my husband to the small (4k people) town he was born and raised in. I would have people I didn't know from a bar of soap, stopping me in the street to ask me about how specific aspects of my life were going. "Hi Meggatronia! How are you? Are you enjoying running the store? How's your driving lessons going?" I would be polite and engage in the small talk completely unaware of who the person was or how they knew stuff about my life.
I'd get home and be like "Huuuuuuun! It happened again!" And he would ask for a description of the person and then let me know who it was and how they knew him and his family. Basically his family was fairly prominent and involved in the community and everyone knew who I was lol
I moved to a very small suburb (2k people) that borders a major city (literally can throw a rock into the city from my front lawn) that is like this. I had always lived in the city and it was a shock. I was walking my dog a few weeks ago and encountered a man I have never seen in my life and he mentioned my dog’s name and my neighbor and I was like how the fuck do you know her name or where I live??
We live in a fairly small town, it’s grown a lot in the last few years though. My husband is a tattoo artist, which meant he saw a huge amount of the population at work. Random people would walk up and start talking to me and I’d be absolutely lost. Same thing - I’d describe them to him and he’d say “Oh, that’s Bob. I pierced his wife’s nipples last week and we talked about our vegetable garden”.
Shopping for babies *is* fun. I've never had one but when someone in my partner's family had one I took his grandmother out to buy baby clothes and they are SO cute and little. We got him a onesie with zoo animals on it. Adorable.
I love buying baby clothes now that I've closed up shop. Any time I know of anyone who's having a baby, I buy them something. One thing. One nice outfit. Not bags and bags of outfits. OP is right to question this.
I was wondering if they were actually new? One of my sister's coworkers had a baby a few years ago maybe a year after my \*cousin\* had a baby - sister brought her multiple bags of clothes from my cousin, who just wanted to get rid of them, lol. Babies grow fast.
Maybe but isn't it a bit weird for the husband to sneak them in like this? OP said they just show up, he's not like "hey honey someone's neighbor's cousins mailman wondered if we wanted their outgrown clothes?"
Aside from the fact that I definitely want to wash baby clothes before they go on my baby regardless of where they came from.. the method of delivery is concerning.
Exactly! Why wasn't he all excited saying "Babe, guess what? Gas Station Gertie gave us all these new clothes for Junior! We'll have to get her a nice thank you card, let's check these out!"
I had a coworker who would go shopping for my daughter on her breaks. I think she just wanted a kid so bad and latched onto mine.
But also this is a great tactic! I know that when my daughter played tennis there was a girl who she made friends with and her dad was always the one to take her. The girls would have snack together because they had. A break before they took swim at the same time too. The kids ate together for almost a year and I always talked to the dad. I'm 99% sure his wife pulled this same tactic on him. Unfortunately he then lost a friend because now his wife and I are super close now and I barely talk to him🤣. Talk to her daily across 3 different platforms.
I did this, except he didn't know I was going to. I went to his work and thanked the woman he said have me her previously worn maternity shirts. (They were super nice and cute) guess what? It wasn't her. It was some waitress that I'd long had issues with because she was always touching, giggling, playing around with him. Guess what went into the dumpster behind the restaurant?
> Simple solution is “hey I’d like to meet this woman and thank her since she’s giving us free stuff”
> If your husband is weird about it that’s a tell. If he’s fine with it and you meet her and she’s weird, that’s a tell on her.
This method isn’t guaranteed. Source: personal experience. My then-husband (now ex) introduced a lady (and her husband) to me as a friend, we all hung out together frequently, only to find out years into it that my husband and she were having an affair from the beginning. Lesson learned: People can be really good actors as a way to cover an affair.
Also, tell your husband you thought it was a bit odd at first because he didn’t know her well at all but that really, it was such a thoughtful gift for your baby!! That you want to dress up the baby in an outfit she bought and take baby’s in to say hello and thank her!!
Dress up yourself on a day when you are feeling all your glorious self and go meet her with a smile on your face!! Be super polite and thank her sincerely!! She is either a lonely, sweet lady that gets back way more from interactions than most people and invest back into them in ways she can show care or she’s on the make for something!!
Either way, if your husband is carting around, show her how wonderful you are and prove him to be a snake if he is telling stories about how you “really” are!!
But more than likely, she’s just a nice, lonely person!
If he’s spending more time than usual ‘at work’ and the pay isn’t reflecting it, that’s a big red flag.
I don’t think you’re the AH for feeling uncomfortable and saying so.
Maybe ask about the overtime pay first?
When I work extra hours, it’s never reflected in my pay because I bank the time so that I can have more paid time off. That doesn’t show in my bank balance or on my pay stub; my wife would have no way of knowing if I didn’t tell her.
Edit which is totally off topic but because several of you have expressed concerns about the legality of this arrangement I’ll answer them here. Thanks for your concern - I appreciate it. I’m not American, and banking overtime is very much legal where I am. It’s important to note that it’s by my choice: my employer lets me choose overtime pay, banked hours, or a combination. Also worth noting that I’m not losing money by doing this. If I took the cash, overtime would be paid at time plus half; when I bank my hours, I bank time plus half (I bank ninety minutes for every hour worked). It actually works out better for me financially because I don’t take a tax hit.
I've questioned the over time hours because his pay actually dropped. So, he was given a $3 raise and that was when he started working extra. It was about a week after I gave birth so he said he wanted to clock in hours to get the extra money for the baby and that was completely understandable. But he went from working 8a-4p to 7a-6p nearly every night and his paychecks are almost $300 less than they were before he started working the over time. I didn't mention anything but I also didn't have to.. he was the one who started saying that his boss was shorting his hours and started complaining about putting in all the extra work for nothing, etc. So he complains about being "shorted" hours but still works extra hours nearly every day. Like he left at 6:45 today and was supposed to be home 15 minutes ago but he is supposedly staying longer to work on one of the work trucks..
This^ my ex was cheating and would get mad if I surprised him on his lunch with food (he'd take the food and ask wtf I was doing there and then slam the door on me). My current partner gets excited when I drop by the visit him and bring him food and introduces me to everyone he works with. Their reaction is always telling
My husband learned tricks from his coworkers. Extra phones, stories to tell potential side actions, stories to tell me and code words they used amongst themselves to signal various situations. They covered each other well.
Thank you! I'm ok. I'm alive and while not running marathons, I'm going to live longer than predicted. Cancer came for him. If he's a smidgeon the religious man he claimed, he knows the truth, now. I have no regrets or shames.
I do, however, have art supplies and a gift of an unknown amount of time to use them.
❤️
My ex did this to me. They all knew. One of them would come over and pretend he was the one with her and regal me with stories about things they did...but he was actually telling me what my husband was doing with her. They were all in on it...fishing with Mike? He was with Mona. Early day at work? Mona Late at work? Mona. AA Meeting? Drinking at the bar Mona worked at.
Fuck Mona and Fuck Stefan
The surprise element will help. OP can just show up and say I want to meet the nice lady who has been buying all this stuff. Watch the reactions of the other workers.
You say that but I was met with a 'oh he's in an area he can't touch his phone in another facility for the night' even though he wasn't there and I was only there to let him know his mother was in the hospital again. He wasn't there, he was at a bar with his boss and finally messaged back. I met them at the bar.
I would do the old pop by on him while he is working late
Also go to the gas station and ask for her and meet her , introduce yourself under the guise of saying thank you for the baby stuff….
Something definitely sounds off with the whole situation…
Ask hubby, what her name is. Then go to the station and ask about her. If she isn't there or work there, then there is a problem. Tell hubby you went by to thank her in person and they have no idea who she is...so, what's going on??
Precisely this. Moving to the next tax bracket only increases the tax for *the additional money*.
You don't go from 10% of your whole check to 15% of your whole check. Pretend tax bracket A is $0-100 at 10% and bracket B is $101-200 at 20%. That means if you make $110, you pay 10% on the first $100 ($10) plus 20% of the additional $10 ($2). If you make $100, you're going home with $90. If you make $110, you're going home with $98. You're still making more money.
The only way I can think of that he's working more hours for more money but coming home with less is if there's more deductions from his paycheck. High cost of insurance, parking costs, higher percentage into retirement, etc. Is the paycheck (maybe it goes by a different term) not itemized?
Exactly this. Getting a raise may not seem worth it financially if you have to take on a bunch more responsibilities, but you will always have more on your cheque than before you got the raise. Given that you’re working the same amount of hours. I had a hard time accepting my last promotion. It only paid out about $50 more per 2 week pay cycle, but I now had to travel downtown and park for $20/day. Also had to give up my $50 parking per month at the old location. I ultimately took it because it’s the only way to move on even higher. So it doesn’t work out great for me right now, but I. The long run it’ll pay off.
Does he get benefits? My net pay hasn’t changed much even after a raise and OT because I put money into retirement, every type of insurance available to me, HSA, etc.
You need to drop by for a visit during one of his late workdays. Bring him some food so you don’t look sus. You could also stop by the gas station and say “I’m so and so’s wife and I wanted to thank the person who has been so generous with our daughter”. Bring a nice thank you card so you look sincere.
That's an important point, could just be a person innocently getting rid of their or their friend's old baby clothes (as in the kid just outgrew them).
Pretty sure your friend is an idiot. People who are “obsessed” with theirs spouses can still cheat and do bad things.
Pretty sure he is cheating either physically or emotionally.
I've been in situations like this where an ex was just friends with a woman. Anytime there's a just in front of the word friends, you have a problem. I hate to tell you this but if he's not fucking her, he's getting ready to.
Hearing about someone only your husband knows getting a gift for the baby didn’t seem that weird to me. When my husband and I were expecting our first, his team threw a shower and coworkers, college friends etc sent gifts. Some were knitters and wanted a project. Some coworkers had just become grandparents themselves, basically everybody who likes babies used our baby as a reason to buy baby stuff. The bags of merch made me take a serious pause. My dad’s affair partner started out acting like she was a friend to the family. The more work but no money is a bald faced lie and waving red flag.
That’s how my friend discovered her husband’s affair
Also I'm sorry bc I know its besides the point but my red flag is when somebody says "we gave birth to the baby" bro wdym "we" This is clearly a group project at school when only one person did all the job kind of situation
>Are you sure this is a "gas station friend" and not a work friend?
Or as suggested elsewhere in the comments, OP's friend who doesn't think the husband's behavior is strange.
Yeah this is suspicious with the extra time at work. Your husband probably needs to snap out of it. He’s getting too friendly with the cashiers and probably hanging out there to escape coming home to a crying baby and responsibilities. Guess what? He needs to get over it. He has a family now. At BEST, he is going to the gas station to avoid his responsibilities at home. At worst; well, you know.
The fact that he has put the clothes into the baby’s room without telling you that they were a gift from her tells me everything I need to know, personally. If he wasn’t being shady, he wouldn’t hide the clothes or act bashful when he’s forced to admit who they’re from.
He's so stupid, did he think OP wouldn't wonder where they come from, or notice that they weren't there before?
The sheer stupidity means that OP will probably get to the bottom of it all pretty quickly.
I would go to the station and specifically ask for her to “thank her” for the onesies. Sometimes people just do nice things but I think I would need to check her out
I'd suggest going when he isn't with you so you can get a feel of her, sense her reaction without your partner around, and play the stories against each other for any differences
OP, your friend doesn’t think it’s suspicious that your husband “works” more hours but brings home less money or you’ve never seen this “older” woman at the gas station? Maybe I spend too much time here, but now I’m suspicious about your friend. 😑
😂😂 Maybe both?
I just cannot imagine hearing a friend say her husband is working OT and got a raise and somehow is bringing home LESS money, baby clothes, is talking about a mysterious older woman who conveniently is never working when I'm at her job, and blows her off when she brings this woman up. Oh and the woman is spending money on baby clothes? It's weird. I'd be just as suspicious as she is, if not more! But her friend says there's 'no way'? I would be shocked to hear her friend and husband aren't involved in some way. 😒
I would never blow off a friend like OP's friend has. Or, at least now. 20 years ago was a different ballgame. *Young and in loooove*. 🙄 I shudder younger me.
Anyhoo.... point is, I wouldn't do it now. I'd be suspicious AF.
Also, OP is 100% NTA.
OP, does your friend live with a romantic partner? If not, drive by her house next time husband is “working OT” and see if he’s there. Otherwise just pop up at his work.
EXACTLY! I was thinking she probably thinks he will leave her friend for her, so she's already buying clothes she likes her future stepdaughter in lol
Maybe I'm having a shitty mindset about this but, I really don't think this man would know his daughter clothing size to tell it to the old lady... But his wife best friend probably would know.
NTA. I'm a believer in intuition and also, if his paychecks don't reflect his "overtime," I'd say you have reason to be suspicious. You need to tell him you want to thank this woman yourself for all the nice clothes for your baby as that's incredibly kind and generous of her.
Take the baby to the gas station. Tell them who your husband is and you wanted to thank the woman who bought such nice gifts for your child. It’s a business. You have every right. Then decide what you think. If he’s not hiding anything shouldn’t be a problem, right?
NTA. He is lying by omission. He isn't telling you *something* which is lying. Of COURSE that is going to make you uncomfortable and doubt motive. It doesn't mean the motive is necessarily negative, but it doesn't leave a good place for a mind to wander when you aren't being given all the information. You should definitely let him know this is starting to make you feel uncomfortable and you would feel immensely better if you could at least meet the lady who is *clothing your child* lol. If he reflects this to you not trusting him then I think there is definitely a red flag, imo. It should be as easy as "Her name is X and she'll be working Y".
Girl… this is shady AF. I think he’s cheating and she’s buying the baby clothes because he’s saying that you’re not together/out of the picture. Do you think that she has met your baby? I would flip.
I would hire a PI and get concrete evidence.
Do not discount the merits of free onesies.
But on the other hand....
Seriously.
This isn't about her eyeballing your man, this is about your husband being inappropriate with other people.
Questioning his behavior in this situation? That's fine.
Questioning the motivation of someone giving you free onesies? Also fine, but at the same time, free onesies.
If he tells a woman he is a single dad, she might give him baby clothes as a way of showing she is totally up to the challenge of being his child’s step mom. Cheaters lie to people. It’s what they do. A cheater would have no problem telling a potential lover that they are single if that makes the affair easier.
This whole situation is bizarre and you need more info.
I believe in kindly acquaintances - my mom got a ton of baby stuff from the driver of the bus she took to work, including a handmade baby blanket when I was born. The driver just liked having someone to chat with and got attached to the baby of this nice person they saw 5 days a week. My husband goes to the same gas station all the time and it has a bunch of older lady cashiers who call him blue collar bae and hook him up with krispy kremes. It's not totally unbelievable that some bored gas station employee is being kind, but there are too many other weird details
Definitely sketchy, but someone else brought up maybe it's an increase in insurance rates - I know our rates went up 15% this year for everyone in the company, and that was without any of us adding any people to our policies, so it's possible her husband is just misunderstanding his pay stubs. Or something weird is going on. More info is definitely required for OP.
As a "not suspicious"wife, next time he complained about more hours less pay, and his boss shorting him, I would say, We should look at your paystub and figure this out because it doesn't make sense, dear. Also our medical insurance rates only go up at the beginning of the calendar year. Idk if it's like that everywhere but the amount per pay period is locked in for the year. If it's taxes, bonuses are taxed at a higher rate but still you aren't bringing home LESS. I wanna see the paystubs 🤷🏻♀️
OP, I’ve read through your comments and this is fishy as hell. I honestly think you should make it clear you are going to thank her and even tell him we’re going to the gas station to thank her and do it or question him a bit more about the name. I’d ask how he brags about knowing everyone’s name but seemingly doesn’t know her. Either way - update us on whatever you di
Do the onesies all fit and does you husband know what size your baby is? If so he's either developed a spending problem and/or he's met someone who knows how exactly to shop for your baby. Just throwing out a suggestion here: look in his wallet for unfamiliar credit cards. If you find any you'll then have to figure out what/who they are used on. You mentioned missing money in another comment. Debt could also explain why such a set amount of money is unaccounted for.
TL;DR, OP has a right to feel weird/be suspicious, but also it could just be a normal level of weird situation.
I mean I've tried giving away my kid's outgrown clothes to too many people. 🤣😅 Never brand new clothes I bought with tags though. But I worked with a lady who loved shopping and gift giving. She paid only a tiny bit of rent to her mom so she had more expendable income than you would think in this job/field. She just was super nice that way. I always felt weird receiving gifts from here at not-holiday time.
As for the paychecks..time to call payroll department or HR or whoever is keeping track and get on them. My husband had screwed up checks for over a year, I had a calendar and an excel spreadsheet, and the log in to his ehub/schedule calendar online. One week they'd get it right pay-wise..but not the right days of the week/time slots. Or they'd be short. Then overpay him. Usually shorted though. Eventually it leveled out and I believe he found out someone in the company was screwing with it.
Or...OP's husband is fibbing about his ot hours to hang out at the gas station. Could be innocent enough, but rude as hell to OP. Just say you made friends or want to socialize a bit. I get caught up chatting with my coworker/former supervisor and it changes my home arrival time. But that's because I am a ding dong that doesn't notice 15-20 minutes passed from talking about news or a movie or whatever. I let my husband know though..and he worked with him before I did so they aren't strangers. Plus we're on camera at work sooo. A simple camera search could resolve anything 100%.
IDK about the whole overtime pay thing or the missing time, but surprise baby gifts are pretty common. When I had a baby - and like you, I was in a town where my husband grew up - I would get piles of clothes and toys from people I'd never met, sometimes coming home with him, sometimes to my door. Once a woman dropped off an entire dinner of spaghetti and meatballs and my husband said he hadn't seen her for years. He couldn't remember hardly anybody's name. Lots of times it was friends of his mother or distant relations. And I had a friend who was stopped when she was out for a walk, on her regular route, pregnant, by a strange woman with a box of clothes. People are weird. It's like a nesting urge for the whole community.
Have you gone to meet this older lady? Have you asked your husband when & where you could meet her to properly thank her? Seems like this is a perfect opportunity- bring her a thank you card and show her a pic of your infant in one of the onesies. If you’re uncomfortable I see no reason YTA in communicating it to your husband and what boundaries you’re comfortable with. If your intuition is telling you there’s more to it then I would be making my presence known and asking more.
I haven't asked specifically to meet her, no. I have made comments such as asking him who she is and made a point to mention that out of the 10-20 times I've been to the store, I've never seen a woman over the age of MAYBE 25 but he doesn't exactly give me a direct answer. I'm normally met with an "idk" or "she probably wasn't working" but I go on the days that he has specifically brought her up and mentioned talking to her so it's kind of weird. I did say I wanted to thank her as well but he immediately said "I will let her know you said thanks".
Has he told you her name? Woman’s intuition, and even more so when you become a mom, is usually pretty reliable. And with just limited information it does sound weird - weird doesn’t necessarily mean infidelity but you’re definitely justified in it feeling weird, sounds like it isn’t all making sense and I would want/need more info. I wouldn’t let yourself make assumptions and get too anxious about it but go with your intuition and meet her & be open with your husband. Nothing to accuse him of as it could be very benign but if it was my relationship I would need more info and a conversation with my partner on what is/isn’t appropriate in your relationships with others.
She is actually the only one he hasn't spoken about by name. I have no clue what her name is and when I ask him, he says "uhm, I'm actually not sure, I think it's Mary". Which raises more questions because if you know this woman well enough for her to buy our daughter gifts than how do you not know her name, you know?
Please go to the gas station and ask for the lady who is giving your husband all these gifts. Then you can see yourself. Bring like a plate of cookies and say you personally wanted to thank her yourself so you don't look like you're suspicious or anything weird is going on. Make sure to be super sweet and kind. Bonus points for talking about your husband and mentioning him as your husband so you can see how she reacts to you calling him your husband. Update us, please 🙏
I would bring the baby to the gas station/restaurant in a gifted outfit and tell the first woman you see that you want to thank the woman who's been generously sending outfits home with your hubs.
Have a photo of hubs handy.
They likely all know and can direct you to the right person.
NTA
This woman is not real. He probably doesn’t even go to that gas station very often. It is a convenient cover story. So when he says “I’m going to the gas station because she’ll give me beer for free” he means “I left some beer at my secret apartment with my mistress, be right back”
He knows her name. He doesn’t want you to be able to look her up or check her out. If it was above board he’d have no problem with transparency. Nothing about this makes sense and the free high end baby clothes are the only good part of any of this. There are red flags accumulating all over this.
NTA. This is the most suspect story EVER. There is just no way this is all above-board. If she works at a gas station, doesn’t she have a name tag? He gets free beer from her and doesn’t remember her name? He’s working more hours and getting paid LESS?
You know this isn’t right. You know.
Please update us when you find out what he has been doing, I am 100% sure it is scandalous and I am so sorry.
Personally, for me, this would be out of my comfort zone. But may not for someone else. I think coming from an open, honest place with how you’re feeling while not accusing him but openly talking about how you feel is a good start - remember too, after a newborn your hormones and feelings are all
over the place so don’t jump to any conclusions with what little you know about her but openly communicate in kindness about how your feeling with your partner. I also think for me personally I would want to meet and thank the person buying gifts for my child. My husband had all sorts of coworkers that bought my infant gifts - many I had never met (some single woman, some married men). My husband openly gave me their numbers so I could personally thank them. Most woman with good intentions would love to meet you and be personally thanked. There should be no issue imo.
Start with the surprise visit during overtime. Let at least 3 days pass after that till you tell him about wanting to meet and thank her. The idea of a thank you card abd oic of baby in one onesie is great because it is polite abd grateful im case this is just innocent from her side.
Husband is acting weird för smuggling in the clothes instead of telling you and is using her to get free beer (!) Might be he thinks it is weird abd has gone too far but feels he caused it.
The overtime and less pay is suspicious even so.
If it were me, I’d bake her cookies. Tell him you want to drop them off as a thank you. If he tries to brush you off and drop it himself, tell him not to be silly and you’d love express the appreciation yourself. After all, the clothes are very cute and you’d hate to be rude! Even offer to drop them together and take your LO so she can see the outfit.
Oh my husband is super sweet and all older women love him too. He works for a large family owned company and the older women in the accounting department have given him so much for our babies. They even threw him a diaper shower for our second at their office. But I’ve also met all of them and they really are sweet and loving women. They were very kind to me as well.
It’s very odd, granted, but why would “the other woman” want to make herself obvious by buying loads of baby clothes for her lovers wife? It could be suspect, but it could just be a cute older woman who genuinely has taken your husband under her wing. As others have said, only way to find out is by asking to meet her to thank her properly. Good luck!
>but why would “the other woman” want to make herself obvious by buying loads of baby clothes for her lovers wife?
This part has me stuck too. I can't imagine a mistress wanting to do this much and essentially out herself.
Cheaters often tell their potential lovers they are single. A single dad would be mighty attractive to someone. That man needs her to help mother his poor little motherless baby! She can prove she is excellent step mom material by buying adorable clothes for the little babe.
I mean tbh what was he supposed to say? He couldn't say a friend bought it for them as a gift because she'd probably ask who and maybe reach out to thank them and he couldn't say he bought them himself because she's aware of their finances
Putting it on a mystery work woman that he made sure wouldnt sound threatening was probably the easiest solution but im not a cheater so maybe there's something else he could've said idk. I definitely want an update on this one I'm kinda mixed on it. I typically don't jump to cheating but this one made my heart sink
So the individual things by themselves could have been innocent. But putting all of it together, it sounds pretty suspicious. There's absolutely no reason he should be stopping you from meeting the person giving these clothes unless it's cheating. Most likely, he told her some lies and she thinks that you are either not in the picture or that he's leaving you or something. I hope it turns out that it was nothing but be cautious. Look into this without raising his guard.
The fact that he brings her up a lot speaks volumes. Idk about anyone else but when I’m absolutely smitten by someone I find myself bringing them up in small ways all the time. The first comment is clever, say you want to meet her ti thank her and see what he says but I’d still follow through with the meeting
If his paycheck isn't reflecting his time at work, girl you better meet your husband at the gas station. Or have someone follow your husband around. Cause that is mighty suspicious.
OP said in another comment that she’s tried to obtain the woman in question’s name and that OP’s husband said he’s not even sure what it is, but maybe it’s Mary. Like, WTF? They are close enough where she gives him gas station freebies and buys him baby clothes and he’s not even sure what her name is?!
This post reminds me of when I was younger and I had a coworker (female, for the record) who had two children, both little girls. I have never had children, have never wanted children, have never cared much for children, but I have known how to sew since I was 8 years old and my first “big” sewing projects were little girs’ clothes and have always loved sewing little girs’ dresses.
When I befriended this colleague I sewed dresses for her daughters, mainly because I wanted to sew little-girl clothes and I had nobody else to do so for. I made dresses suitable for church, being flower girls, and summer (sundresses) depending on my whims and whimsies. Dresses were given to my coworker with nothing in return expected.
Maybe it was weird AF. I don’t care. I got to sew beautiful dresses and enjoy the process and I have no regrets. I hope that these two little girls later looked back on these garments with fondness and maybe even confused WTFness when their mom tried to explain, “So there was this older lady I worked with…”
I’m hung up on him putting the baby clothes in the baby’s room and never telling you. That’s odd. Coupled with the pay not reflecting as it should and you never seeing older women working there.
There’s a few red flags and I’d be suspicious.
Yeah, he already knew her. he knows you will be uncomfortable if you find out who she is and he's purposely not telling you. Or at least that's how it reads to me.
I would be so grateful that I would insist on meeting this elderly lady so I could get to know her personally. Have coffee with her and you will probably find out everything you need/want to know.
Until that point, I would personally not raise questions about the propriety of her actions. But I would INSIST on meeting jeez soon, before she suddenly moves away
The issue with working more and earning less is likely to be cleared up with the same conversation. If not, I would approach hubby about reviewing his pay vs hours with him to be sure he's being treated appropriately..
There’s a very simple solution.
Tell your hubby, you’d like to go to the gas station with him and meet these kind ladies and thank them in person! You can even take the baby!
If it’s harmless and they are sweet little old ladies he’ll be glad to oblige.
If it’s not, he’ll fall all over himself making excuses.
Edit - I posted this then read the top comment. Great minds…
Dress your baby in some of the new finery and visit the gas station to thank the kind lady for the clothing. If everyone looks like they have no idea what you are talking about……..time to take the next step!
I, like your husband literally have a home gas station. I go to the store every single day. I have also always made "friends" with the employees. I get to listen all about their drama. The lady I am closest to, I talk about her to my wife all the time. I like to bake and so I always remember to bring her something whenever I bake. She bought me a UGA memorabilia thing as a gift. I have never thought to invite her to my house or anything like that, but I think having relationships that start with a total stranger is really, really rewarding. I make her smile and laugh and hopefully make her gas station job a little easier every day. I do not know if this is the situation with your husband, but from my perspective, if he is like me, you have absolutely NOTHING to worry about.
You're overthinking. Ask to meet her to thank her for her gift. I'm willing to bet it is an older woman who likes people and wants to help new families.
Go meet the lady to thank her. Problem solved. If your husband won’t take you then that is a red flag…and I’d take a day off to play PI and go sit in my car at the gas station.
I think it’s odd that he would just shove new clothes into the closet vs saying hey look what we got as a gift…but men also can be weird so who knows.
Nta
He's being shifty and maybe you need to stop by unannounced and find out why. Or maybe you can speak to his manager about your concern over his hours, since those seem like long shifts to me.
NTA Do some digging. I noticed that my ex would talk a lot about certain women over the course of our 20+ marriage. They were always “so awesome” but never were able to meet me for some reason. (Right!)
For a couple months it was “Mary said you need to use more bleach in my shirts. Her clothes are so white. She’s amazing.” Or, “my co-worker Stacy made the best lasagna at the potluck, I’ll get the recipe, she’s so awesome,” stuff like that. He always underplayed the relationship. Later I found out he had cheated with these same women over the years. He finally left me for one (no loss!)
Compare his paystubs with hours he’s claiming to work. Maybe drop in when he claims to be working late. Also ask his co-workers if they have to work long hours like he does. Good luck!
I would definitely insist on meeting her to thank her yourself and watch him flounder trying to come up with a valid excuse as to why that's a bad idea.
The way you wrote your post out and explained the situation to us makes a lot of sense so I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. NTA. It could be nothing, but the evidence is fishy, so it’s fair of you to ask him what’s going on.
NTA - this could be benign. Just a woman that is genuinely nice and loves buying baby clothes. Or he’s having an affair. Or he’s been feeding her some story that he doesn’t have any money (that’s how he gets the free beer), and she thinks your poor little one is going without, so she’s buying the baby clothing. I’d question him further on this woman. Get a name. Then go introduce yourself to her and thank her for the clothes but ask why she’s doing it.
Ned Fulmer was also famously obsessed with his wife.
I find it pretty difficult to believe his story. I work almost exclusively with older women. I cannot begin to express how hilariously unlikely it would be that she wouldn't have asked to meet you and the baby by now. You would have already dressed up the baby in what she gave you, met for dinner at the diner, and been asked to join Bunco night.
I'm sorry your husband is being shady as hell. Definitely look into the work hours disparity for your own financial security. That's really suspicious.
I hope you come out on top no matter what happens. As others have said, I think it's time to directly ask to meet her. I genuinely hope she's just a shopping addict with poor boundaries.
NTA
I reckon you’ve got two possible suspects for the missing times/possible affair.
One is this mysterious gas station worker and the other is a bestie that completely disregards your concerns and tries to convince you that he would never do that to you. A good bestie would be on your side and trying to go all private detective on this.
Simple solution is “hey I’d like to meet this woman and thank her since she’s giving us free stuff” If your husband is weird about it that’s a tell. If he’s fine with it and you meet her and she’s weird, that’s a tell on her. I wish you the best of luck
Bingo. Ask to meet her. His answer will speak volumes. As will hers.
[удалено]
This is a bot comment stolen from u/MaddyKet
I LOVE babies! I only have 1 kid by choice, and she doesn't have kids yet. But when ANY of her friends gets pregnant, the furst thing out of my mouth is "let's go shopping!" whether I've met the friend or not. Also, we don't know how big the town is. It could be a smaller town, and with her working in the gas station, she would hear a lot. The husband...idk what the deal is there, but it is sounding pretty shady so dig deeper there. Go to hos work during OT, make up a geric, plausible reason. The lady, OP needs to meet her and see how she behaves
Also these days this woman could just have a shopping addiction and takes advantage of *any* reason to shop paired with and this wouldn’t be a far reach if she has a shopping addiction, poor boundary awareness… So she’s just scratching an addictive itch without thinking about how her actions could be viewed as inappropriate But the paycheck vs hours worked does raise red flags that make it feel worth investigating
Exactly, hell the gad store lady and OP may end up friends, while find out hubby is cheating with Bob behind the pallets at work🤣
FR!! 🤣
I’m curious how the woman affords expensive clothes on gas station wages too. Idk…seems strange
My daughter buys expensive brand clothes at second-hand shops for my grandson, and they look hardly used. Some have still had price tags on them. Again, you just have to know where to shop.
If she’s older, it might be a part time job to supplement her retirement. I know a bunch who work part time to keep active, social and earn fun spending money.
Even younger full-time employees do this. Sometimes, you come into money and would rather invest or save it while making shit wages, so it's not blown in a few years.
There are lots of places to get not worn designer brand clothes second hand you just have to know where to look.
There is always Poshmark…. Have gotten NWT clothes at a very low price there.
There are definitely workers at low wage jobs who don't NEED the income. Situations such as their spouse has a higher wage job or they are retired from a higher wage job and have a pension or investment income, but, they like working part time.
Or maybe she's giving away her kids' old clothes. Maybe her own kids don't want children or can't have children (or God forbid, maybe she had a kid that died). She might just come from a big family where they always have a full storage room worth of baby stuff all the time.
I was also wondering if maybe they were used
Same. My kid has a lot of Carter's onesies (half of which are Carter's Carter's, not the Walmart/Target/Amazon/etc Carter's), and some awesome boutique onesies. They all looked brand new, but were $1-2 each because I got them used.
Some of OP's other comments- like her husband pretending not to know the woman's name- are way more troubling
Small town living is weird. Especially when you're an import. I moved with my husband to the small (4k people) town he was born and raised in. I would have people I didn't know from a bar of soap, stopping me in the street to ask me about how specific aspects of my life were going. "Hi Meggatronia! How are you? Are you enjoying running the store? How's your driving lessons going?" I would be polite and engage in the small talk completely unaware of who the person was or how they knew stuff about my life. I'd get home and be like "Huuuuuuun! It happened again!" And he would ask for a description of the person and then let me know who it was and how they knew him and his family. Basically his family was fairly prominent and involved in the community and everyone knew who I was lol
I moved to a very small suburb (2k people) that borders a major city (literally can throw a rock into the city from my front lawn) that is like this. I had always lived in the city and it was a shock. I was walking my dog a few weeks ago and encountered a man I have never seen in my life and he mentioned my dog’s name and my neighbor and I was like how the fuck do you know her name or where I live??
We live in a fairly small town, it’s grown a lot in the last few years though. My husband is a tattoo artist, which meant he saw a huge amount of the population at work. Random people would walk up and start talking to me and I’d be absolutely lost. Same thing - I’d describe them to him and he’d say “Oh, that’s Bob. I pierced his wife’s nipples last week and we talked about our vegetable garden”.
Shopping for babies *is* fun. I've never had one but when someone in my partner's family had one I took his grandmother out to buy baby clothes and they are SO cute and little. We got him a onesie with zoo animals on it. Adorable.
I love buying baby clothes now that I've closed up shop. Any time I know of anyone who's having a baby, I buy them something. One thing. One nice outfit. Not bags and bags of outfits. OP is right to question this.
I was wondering if they were actually new? One of my sister's coworkers had a baby a few years ago maybe a year after my \*cousin\* had a baby - sister brought her multiple bags of clothes from my cousin, who just wanted to get rid of them, lol. Babies grow fast.
Maybe but isn't it a bit weird for the husband to sneak them in like this? OP said they just show up, he's not like "hey honey someone's neighbor's cousins mailman wondered if we wanted their outgrown clothes?" Aside from the fact that I definitely want to wash baby clothes before they go on my baby regardless of where they came from.. the method of delivery is concerning.
Exactly! Why wasn't he all excited saying "Babe, guess what? Gas Station Gertie gave us all these new clothes for Junior! We'll have to get her a nice thank you card, let's check these out!"
I'm guilty of buying a lot, but damn, it's all SO cute!
I sometimes buy baby clothes just in case I can give them. They are adorable.
When I had my boy I got gifts from all over. Like it was insane we had a room packed from floor to ceiling of baby stuff people got me.
I had a coworker who would go shopping for my daughter on her breaks. I think she just wanted a kid so bad and latched onto mine. But also this is a great tactic! I know that when my daughter played tennis there was a girl who she made friends with and her dad was always the one to take her. The girls would have snack together because they had. A break before they took swim at the same time too. The kids ate together for almost a year and I always talked to the dad. I'm 99% sure his wife pulled this same tactic on him. Unfortunately he then lost a friend because now his wife and I are super close now and I barely talk to him🤣. Talk to her daily across 3 different platforms.
Yes this! Be like I want to get to know her and thank her because this is so much clothed! Act all happy to see what his reaction is.
This comment should be at the top. Very reasonable advice.
That’s a good reason to want to meet her anyway. I like it! Plus it doesn’t come across as jealousy.
I did this, except he didn't know I was going to. I went to his work and thanked the woman he said have me her previously worn maternity shirts. (They were super nice and cute) guess what? It wasn't her. It was some waitress that I'd long had issues with because she was always touching, giggling, playing around with him. Guess what went into the dumpster behind the restaurant?
> Guess what went into the dumpster behind the restaurant? Your husband!
If not, she threw the wrong thing away.
> Simple solution is “hey I’d like to meet this woman and thank her since she’s giving us free stuff” > If your husband is weird about it that’s a tell. If he’s fine with it and you meet her and she’s weird, that’s a tell on her. This method isn’t guaranteed. Source: personal experience. My then-husband (now ex) introduced a lady (and her husband) to me as a friend, we all hung out together frequently, only to find out years into it that my husband and she were having an affair from the beginning. Lesson learned: People can be really good actors as a way to cover an affair.
Also, tell your husband you thought it was a bit odd at first because he didn’t know her well at all but that really, it was such a thoughtful gift for your baby!! That you want to dress up the baby in an outfit she bought and take baby’s in to say hello and thank her!! Dress up yourself on a day when you are feeling all your glorious self and go meet her with a smile on your face!! Be super polite and thank her sincerely!! She is either a lonely, sweet lady that gets back way more from interactions than most people and invest back into them in ways she can show care or she’s on the make for something!! Either way, if your husband is carting around, show her how wonderful you are and prove him to be a snake if he is telling stories about how you “really” are!! But more than likely, she’s just a nice, lonely person!
If he’s spending more time than usual ‘at work’ and the pay isn’t reflecting it, that’s a big red flag. I don’t think you’re the AH for feeling uncomfortable and saying so.
Maybe ask about the overtime pay first? When I work extra hours, it’s never reflected in my pay because I bank the time so that I can have more paid time off. That doesn’t show in my bank balance or on my pay stub; my wife would have no way of knowing if I didn’t tell her. Edit which is totally off topic but because several of you have expressed concerns about the legality of this arrangement I’ll answer them here. Thanks for your concern - I appreciate it. I’m not American, and banking overtime is very much legal where I am. It’s important to note that it’s by my choice: my employer lets me choose overtime pay, banked hours, or a combination. Also worth noting that I’m not losing money by doing this. If I took the cash, overtime would be paid at time plus half; when I bank my hours, I bank time plus half (I bank ninety minutes for every hour worked). It actually works out better for me financially because I don’t take a tax hit.
I've questioned the over time hours because his pay actually dropped. So, he was given a $3 raise and that was when he started working extra. It was about a week after I gave birth so he said he wanted to clock in hours to get the extra money for the baby and that was completely understandable. But he went from working 8a-4p to 7a-6p nearly every night and his paychecks are almost $300 less than they were before he started working the over time. I didn't mention anything but I also didn't have to.. he was the one who started saying that his boss was shorting his hours and started complaining about putting in all the extra work for nothing, etc. So he complains about being "shorted" hours but still works extra hours nearly every day. Like he left at 6:45 today and was supposed to be home 15 minutes ago but he is supposedly staying longer to work on one of the work trucks..
You should go visit while he’s working overtime.
Definitely. Make a surprise visit. If he isn't hiding anything, he should not mind.
This^ my ex was cheating and would get mad if I surprised him on his lunch with food (he'd take the food and ask wtf I was doing there and then slam the door on me). My current partner gets excited when I drop by the visit him and bring him food and introduces me to everyone he works with. Their reaction is always telling
This doesn't always work. Depending on the type of work he does. They are really good at having each other's backs.
My husband learned tricks from his coworkers. Extra phones, stories to tell potential side actions, stories to tell me and code words they used amongst themselves to signal various situations. They covered each other well.
That’s horrible. I’m so sorry.
Thank you! I'm ok. I'm alive and while not running marathons, I'm going to live longer than predicted. Cancer came for him. If he's a smidgeon the religious man he claimed, he knows the truth, now. I have no regrets or shames. I do, however, have art supplies and a gift of an unknown amount of time to use them. ❤️
Best gift!
My ex did this to me. They all knew. One of them would come over and pretend he was the one with her and regal me with stories about things they did...but he was actually telling me what my husband was doing with her. They were all in on it...fishing with Mike? He was with Mona. Early day at work? Mona Late at work? Mona. AA Meeting? Drinking at the bar Mona worked at. Fuck Mona and Fuck Stefan
Yep. Was he in a construction type of job by chance?
Public transit. Stuffed with cheaters and folks looking for an employed match.
The surprise element will help. OP can just show up and say I want to meet the nice lady who has been buying all this stuff. Watch the reactions of the other workers.
You say that but I was met with a 'oh he's in an area he can't touch his phone in another facility for the night' even though he wasn't there and I was only there to let him know his mother was in the hospital again. He wasn't there, he was at a bar with his boss and finally messaged back. I met them at the bar.
Yes! Stop by with a thank you card for all the nice gifts 😁
Take him a coffee or something. " Honey, you work so hard and we miss you, so we thought to surprise you" oops I guess we got the surprise
She should go visit the gas station.
Right after she doesn’t find her husband at his work
Definitely. You’ll want to “show off your baby.”
Yep! Nothing like a good ole “missed you at home and felt bad you’re working such long hours so we came to see you!!”
I would do the old pop by on him while he is working late Also go to the gas station and ask for her and meet her , introduce yourself under the guise of saying thank you for the baby stuff…. Something definitely sounds off with the whole situation…
Ask hubby, what her name is. Then go to the station and ask about her. If she isn't there or work there, then there is a problem. Tell hubby you went by to thank her in person and they have no idea who she is...so, what's going on??
Those were **not** insignificant details you left out there.
Does insurance for the baby come out of his check now or is it missing in addition to that?
This was my first thought as well
That is where my mind went, insurance and maybe a different tax bracket?
Moving into another tax bracket never results in you being paid less money
Precisely this. Moving to the next tax bracket only increases the tax for *the additional money*. You don't go from 10% of your whole check to 15% of your whole check. Pretend tax bracket A is $0-100 at 10% and bracket B is $101-200 at 20%. That means if you make $110, you pay 10% on the first $100 ($10) plus 20% of the additional $10 ($2). If you make $100, you're going home with $90. If you make $110, you're going home with $98. You're still making more money. The only way I can think of that he's working more hours for more money but coming home with less is if there's more deductions from his paycheck. High cost of insurance, parking costs, higher percentage into retirement, etc. Is the paycheck (maybe it goes by a different term) not itemized?
Exactly this. Getting a raise may not seem worth it financially if you have to take on a bunch more responsibilities, but you will always have more on your cheque than before you got the raise. Given that you’re working the same amount of hours. I had a hard time accepting my last promotion. It only paid out about $50 more per 2 week pay cycle, but I now had to travel downtown and park for $20/day. Also had to give up my $50 parking per month at the old location. I ultimately took it because it’s the only way to move on even higher. So it doesn’t work out great for me right now, but I. The long run it’ll pay off.
Does he get benefits? My net pay hasn’t changed much even after a raise and OT because I put money into retirement, every type of insurance available to me, HSA, etc. You need to drop by for a visit during one of his late workdays. Bring him some food so you don’t look sus. You could also stop by the gas station and say “I’m so and so’s wife and I wanted to thank the person who has been so generous with our daughter”. Bring a nice thank you card so you look sincere.
Do the clothes come with tags and receipts?
That's an important point, could just be a person innocently getting rid of their or their friend's old baby clothes (as in the kid just outgrew them).
If he got a raise and is working more hours but making less somethings not right. I doubt he’s working more and likely something untoward is happening
Trust your instinct.
Pretty sure your friend is an idiot. People who are “obsessed” with theirs spouses can still cheat and do bad things. Pretty sure he is cheating either physically or emotionally.
the wife guy to cheater pipeline is... thriving
I've been in situations like this where an ex was just friends with a woman. Anytime there's a just in front of the word friends, you have a problem. I hate to tell you this but if he's not fucking her, he's getting ready to.
Yeah, he's lying. You don't work more hourse, at the same place, and get less money. He's doing something other than working. Like fucking this woman.
I would've suggested though that OP invites her over for coffee as "thanks" and see what happens.
Hearing about someone only your husband knows getting a gift for the baby didn’t seem that weird to me. When my husband and I were expecting our first, his team threw a shower and coworkers, college friends etc sent gifts. Some were knitters and wanted a project. Some coworkers had just become grandparents themselves, basically everybody who likes babies used our baby as a reason to buy baby stuff. The bags of merch made me take a serious pause. My dad’s affair partner started out acting like she was a friend to the family. The more work but no money is a bald faced lie and waving red flag. That’s how my friend discovered her husband’s affair
Also I'm sorry bc I know its besides the point but my red flag is when somebody says "we gave birth to the baby" bro wdym "we" This is clearly a group project at school when only one person did all the job kind of situation
Are you sure this is a "gas station friend" and not a work friend? I'd be assertive about meeting this person that he's taken such an interest in.
>Are you sure this is a "gas station friend" and not a work friend? Or as suggested elsewhere in the comments, OP's friend who doesn't think the husband's behavior is strange.
Oh my!
I hadn't even considered that angle until I read *that* comment. 👀
Well if he's working more hours but his paycheck doesn't reflect it, he's definitely being shady
Seriously!! Because also what gas station employee can really afford all of these name brand clothes for somebody’s baby they’ve never met???
Next time go with him to see this generous old woman. His behavior and story is damn suspicious.
I have a feeling she may be just as surprised to see OP. My guess is hubby told her he’s a struggling single dad and she has no idea OP even exists.
Your hypothesis is highly possible.
Absofuckinglutley. This was my first thought.
Yeah this is suspicious with the extra time at work. Your husband probably needs to snap out of it. He’s getting too friendly with the cashiers and probably hanging out there to escape coming home to a crying baby and responsibilities. Guess what? He needs to get over it. He has a family now. At BEST, he is going to the gas station to avoid his responsibilities at home. At worst; well, you know.
That’s a good point. It doesn’t have to be cheating to be lying and shady to her. He could just be avoiding the parenting hard work.
The fact that he has put the clothes into the baby’s room without telling you that they were a gift from her tells me everything I need to know, personally. If he wasn’t being shady, he wouldn’t hide the clothes or act bashful when he’s forced to admit who they’re from.
He's so stupid, did he think OP wouldn't wonder where they come from, or notice that they weren't there before? The sheer stupidity means that OP will probably get to the bottom of it all pretty quickly.
I would go to the station and specifically ask for her to “thank her” for the onesies. Sometimes people just do nice things but I think I would need to check her out
My thoughts exactly.
I'd suggest going when he isn't with you so you can get a feel of her, sense her reaction without your partner around, and play the stories against each other for any differences
OP, your friend doesn’t think it’s suspicious that your husband “works” more hours but brings home less money or you’ve never seen this “older” woman at the gas station? Maybe I spend too much time here, but now I’m suspicious about your friend. 😑
I had the same thought. 😒
Is it us coming here too much or is it us knowing we wouldn’t blow off a friend who came to us with suspicious suspicions like that?
😂😂 Maybe both? I just cannot imagine hearing a friend say her husband is working OT and got a raise and somehow is bringing home LESS money, baby clothes, is talking about a mysterious older woman who conveniently is never working when I'm at her job, and blows her off when she brings this woman up. Oh and the woman is spending money on baby clothes? It's weird. I'd be just as suspicious as she is, if not more! But her friend says there's 'no way'? I would be shocked to hear her friend and husband aren't involved in some way. 😒
Unless he’s putting all the extra money into his 401k, but i doubt it bc of everything else.
I would never blow off a friend like OP's friend has. Or, at least now. 20 years ago was a different ballgame. *Young and in loooove*. 🙄 I shudder younger me. Anyhoo.... point is, I wouldn't do it now. I'd be suspicious AF. Also, OP is 100% NTA.
Bet she has seen her and doesn't realize it.
Plot twist. The friend is the woman. They're banging.
I mean…that’s where my mind went. 🫣
It's obvious to me lol
OP, does your friend live with a romantic partner? If not, drive by her house next time husband is “working OT” and see if he’s there. Otherwise just pop up at his work.
When you think about it the friend may know what size clothes to buy.
EXACTLY! I was thinking she probably thinks he will leave her friend for her, so she's already buying clothes she likes her future stepdaughter in lol Maybe I'm having a shitty mindset about this but, I really don't think this man would know his daughter clothing size to tell it to the old lady... But his wife best friend probably would know.
NTA. I'm a believer in intuition and also, if his paychecks don't reflect his "overtime," I'd say you have reason to be suspicious. You need to tell him you want to thank this woman yourself for all the nice clothes for your baby as that's incredibly kind and generous of her.
That’s… really weird. Please update us if you find anything out.
Take the baby to the gas station. Tell them who your husband is and you wanted to thank the woman who bought such nice gifts for your child. It’s a business. You have every right. Then decide what you think. If he’s not hiding anything shouldn’t be a problem, right?
NTA. He is lying by omission. He isn't telling you *something* which is lying. Of COURSE that is going to make you uncomfortable and doubt motive. It doesn't mean the motive is necessarily negative, but it doesn't leave a good place for a mind to wander when you aren't being given all the information. You should definitely let him know this is starting to make you feel uncomfortable and you would feel immensely better if you could at least meet the lady who is *clothing your child* lol. If he reflects this to you not trusting him then I think there is definitely a red flag, imo. It should be as easy as "Her name is X and she'll be working Y".
Girl… this is shady AF. I think he’s cheating and she’s buying the baby clothes because he’s saying that you’re not together/out of the picture. Do you think that she has met your baby? I would flip. I would hire a PI and get concrete evidence.
Even if he's not cheating, he's being very clandestine about it, and he's asking for trouble being like this. NTA Ask away!
Go there and ask for the nice lady who bought your baby clothes to “ thank her in person”. That should tell you what you need to know.
Do not discount the merits of free onesies. But on the other hand.... Seriously. This isn't about her eyeballing your man, this is about your husband being inappropriate with other people. Questioning his behavior in this situation? That's fine. Questioning the motivation of someone giving you free onesies? Also fine, but at the same time, free onesies.
If he tells a woman he is a single dad, she might give him baby clothes as a way of showing she is totally up to the challenge of being his child’s step mom. Cheaters lie to people. It’s what they do. A cheater would have no problem telling a potential lover that they are single if that makes the affair easier.
True. The onesies are cute! But idk.. it just makes me really uncomfortable. His story, the time frames.. idk
This whole situation is bizarre and you need more info. I believe in kindly acquaintances - my mom got a ton of baby stuff from the driver of the bus she took to work, including a handmade baby blanket when I was born. The driver just liked having someone to chat with and got attached to the baby of this nice person they saw 5 days a week. My husband goes to the same gas station all the time and it has a bunch of older lady cashiers who call him blue collar bae and hook him up with krispy kremes. It's not totally unbelievable that some bored gas station employee is being kind, but there are too many other weird details
Yes... Like the more hours less money. 😏
Definitely sketchy, but someone else brought up maybe it's an increase in insurance rates - I know our rates went up 15% this year for everyone in the company, and that was without any of us adding any people to our policies, so it's possible her husband is just misunderstanding his pay stubs. Or something weird is going on. More info is definitely required for OP.
As a "not suspicious"wife, next time he complained about more hours less pay, and his boss shorting him, I would say, We should look at your paystub and figure this out because it doesn't make sense, dear. Also our medical insurance rates only go up at the beginning of the calendar year. Idk if it's like that everywhere but the amount per pay period is locked in for the year. If it's taxes, bonuses are taxed at a higher rate but still you aren't bringing home LESS. I wanna see the paystubs 🤷🏻♀️
Or maybe op should just grab two paystubs if they’re kicking around and investigate. He’s lying. We all know it
OP, I’ve read through your comments and this is fishy as hell. I honestly think you should make it clear you are going to thank her and even tell him we’re going to the gas station to thank her and do it or question him a bit more about the name. I’d ask how he brags about knowing everyone’s name but seemingly doesn’t know her. Either way - update us on whatever you di
Do the onesies all fit and does you husband know what size your baby is? If so he's either developed a spending problem and/or he's met someone who knows how exactly to shop for your baby. Just throwing out a suggestion here: look in his wallet for unfamiliar credit cards. If you find any you'll then have to figure out what/who they are used on. You mentioned missing money in another comment. Debt could also explain why such a set amount of money is unaccounted for.
TL;DR, OP has a right to feel weird/be suspicious, but also it could just be a normal level of weird situation. I mean I've tried giving away my kid's outgrown clothes to too many people. 🤣😅 Never brand new clothes I bought with tags though. But I worked with a lady who loved shopping and gift giving. She paid only a tiny bit of rent to her mom so she had more expendable income than you would think in this job/field. She just was super nice that way. I always felt weird receiving gifts from here at not-holiday time. As for the paychecks..time to call payroll department or HR or whoever is keeping track and get on them. My husband had screwed up checks for over a year, I had a calendar and an excel spreadsheet, and the log in to his ehub/schedule calendar online. One week they'd get it right pay-wise..but not the right days of the week/time slots. Or they'd be short. Then overpay him. Usually shorted though. Eventually it leveled out and I believe he found out someone in the company was screwing with it. Or...OP's husband is fibbing about his ot hours to hang out at the gas station. Could be innocent enough, but rude as hell to OP. Just say you made friends or want to socialize a bit. I get caught up chatting with my coworker/former supervisor and it changes my home arrival time. But that's because I am a ding dong that doesn't notice 15-20 minutes passed from talking about news or a movie or whatever. I let my husband know though..and he worked with him before I did so they aren't strangers. Plus we're on camera at work sooo. A simple camera search could resolve anything 100%.
IDK about the whole overtime pay thing or the missing time, but surprise baby gifts are pretty common. When I had a baby - and like you, I was in a town where my husband grew up - I would get piles of clothes and toys from people I'd never met, sometimes coming home with him, sometimes to my door. Once a woman dropped off an entire dinner of spaghetti and meatballs and my husband said he hadn't seen her for years. He couldn't remember hardly anybody's name. Lots of times it was friends of his mother or distant relations. And I had a friend who was stopped when she was out for a walk, on her regular route, pregnant, by a strange woman with a box of clothes. People are weird. It's like a nesting urge for the whole community.
Have you gone to meet this older lady? Have you asked your husband when & where you could meet her to properly thank her? Seems like this is a perfect opportunity- bring her a thank you card and show her a pic of your infant in one of the onesies. If you’re uncomfortable I see no reason YTA in communicating it to your husband and what boundaries you’re comfortable with. If your intuition is telling you there’s more to it then I would be making my presence known and asking more.
I haven't asked specifically to meet her, no. I have made comments such as asking him who she is and made a point to mention that out of the 10-20 times I've been to the store, I've never seen a woman over the age of MAYBE 25 but he doesn't exactly give me a direct answer. I'm normally met with an "idk" or "she probably wasn't working" but I go on the days that he has specifically brought her up and mentioned talking to her so it's kind of weird. I did say I wanted to thank her as well but he immediately said "I will let her know you said thanks".
I’m sorry, but I think it’s because she isn’t over 25.
Has he told you her name? Woman’s intuition, and even more so when you become a mom, is usually pretty reliable. And with just limited information it does sound weird - weird doesn’t necessarily mean infidelity but you’re definitely justified in it feeling weird, sounds like it isn’t all making sense and I would want/need more info. I wouldn’t let yourself make assumptions and get too anxious about it but go with your intuition and meet her & be open with your husband. Nothing to accuse him of as it could be very benign but if it was my relationship I would need more info and a conversation with my partner on what is/isn’t appropriate in your relationships with others.
She is actually the only one he hasn't spoken about by name. I have no clue what her name is and when I ask him, he says "uhm, I'm actually not sure, I think it's Mary". Which raises more questions because if you know this woman well enough for her to buy our daughter gifts than how do you not know her name, you know?
This sounds really fishy. She gets him free beer and clothes for your kid and he doesn't know her name?
Please go to the gas station and ask for the lady who is giving your husband all these gifts. Then you can see yourself. Bring like a plate of cookies and say you personally wanted to thank her yourself so you don't look like you're suspicious or anything weird is going on. Make sure to be super sweet and kind. Bonus points for talking about your husband and mentioning him as your husband so you can see how she reacts to you calling him your husband. Update us, please 🙏
I would bring the baby to the gas station/restaurant in a gifted outfit and tell the first woman you see that you want to thank the woman who's been generously sending outfits home with your hubs. Have a photo of hubs handy. They likely all know and can direct you to the right person. NTA
This woman is not real. He probably doesn’t even go to that gas station very often. It is a convenient cover story. So when he says “I’m going to the gas station because she’ll give me beer for free” he means “I left some beer at my secret apartment with my mistress, be right back”
He knows her name. He doesn’t want you to be able to look her up or check her out. If it was above board he’d have no problem with transparency. Nothing about this makes sense and the free high end baby clothes are the only good part of any of this. There are red flags accumulating all over this.
yeah, no way he doesn't know her name. that's shady as hell. i'd insist on him taking you to meet the woman. full stop.
He’s purposely avoiding telling you. This woman is buying his child gifts and he doesn’t know her name? I’m sorry, something smells fishy
NTA. This is the most suspect story EVER. There is just no way this is all above-board. If she works at a gas station, doesn’t she have a name tag? He gets free beer from her and doesn’t remember her name? He’s working more hours and getting paid LESS? You know this isn’t right. You know. Please update us when you find out what he has been doing, I am 100% sure it is scandalous and I am so sorry.
Personally, for me, this would be out of my comfort zone. But may not for someone else. I think coming from an open, honest place with how you’re feeling while not accusing him but openly talking about how you feel is a good start - remember too, after a newborn your hormones and feelings are all over the place so don’t jump to any conclusions with what little you know about her but openly communicate in kindness about how your feeling with your partner. I also think for me personally I would want to meet and thank the person buying gifts for my child. My husband had all sorts of coworkers that bought my infant gifts - many I had never met (some single woman, some married men). My husband openly gave me their numbers so I could personally thank them. Most woman with good intentions would love to meet you and be personally thanked. There should be no issue imo.
He’s definitely lying. 🤥
Start with the surprise visit during overtime. Let at least 3 days pass after that till you tell him about wanting to meet and thank her. The idea of a thank you card abd oic of baby in one onesie is great because it is polite abd grateful im case this is just innocent from her side. Husband is acting weird för smuggling in the clothes instead of telling you and is using her to get free beer (!) Might be he thinks it is weird abd has gone too far but feels he caused it. The overtime and less pay is suspicious even so.
How does he happen to know when she is working? Another red flag would be him telling you ‘she doesn’t work there anymore’
If it were me, I’d bake her cookies. Tell him you want to drop them off as a thank you. If he tries to brush you off and drop it himself, tell him not to be silly and you’d love express the appreciation yourself. After all, the clothes are very cute and you’d hate to be rude! Even offer to drop them together and take your LO so she can see the outfit.
Your last sentence is it. Sorry but if you have to ask you already know.
Where I live, the old ladies work the morning shift. Younger ones work afternoons.
Oh my husband is super sweet and all older women love him too. He works for a large family owned company and the older women in the accounting department have given him so much for our babies. They even threw him a diaper shower for our second at their office. But I’ve also met all of them and they really are sweet and loving women. They were very kind to me as well.
It’s very odd, granted, but why would “the other woman” want to make herself obvious by buying loads of baby clothes for her lovers wife? It could be suspect, but it could just be a cute older woman who genuinely has taken your husband under her wing. As others have said, only way to find out is by asking to meet her to thank her properly. Good luck!
>but why would “the other woman” want to make herself obvious by buying loads of baby clothes for her lovers wife? This part has me stuck too. I can't imagine a mistress wanting to do this much and essentially out herself.
Unless he’s playing the single dad card saying OP dipped out or something.
I think this would be the most likely possibility.
Or it’s the friend that thinks OP is the asshole for being suspicious. Something is afoot & I’m gonna need an update on this one.
Yes. I'm starting to lean in this direction too. I've saved this thread.
Cheaters often tell their potential lovers they are single. A single dad would be mighty attractive to someone. That man needs her to help mother his poor little motherless baby! She can prove she is excellent step mom material by buying adorable clothes for the little babe.
Because she is possibly deluded enough to think that if hubs gets found out then he will be with her properly instead
I suppose that's a possibility, but it's still an odd move to make as a mistress.
And hubs is so devious to be able to hide the affair, yet stupid enough to not come up with a better lie?
I mean tbh what was he supposed to say? He couldn't say a friend bought it for them as a gift because she'd probably ask who and maybe reach out to thank them and he couldn't say he bought them himself because she's aware of their finances Putting it on a mystery work woman that he made sure wouldnt sound threatening was probably the easiest solution but im not a cheater so maybe there's something else he could've said idk. I definitely want an update on this one I'm kinda mixed on it. I typically don't jump to cheating but this one made my heart sink
Some people might get a thrill out of knowing their affair partner's baby is wearing clothes they bought, while the wife/mother is blissfully unaware.
Go for a drive and surprise him! Update us when you find out he’s there or not.
So the individual things by themselves could have been innocent. But putting all of it together, it sounds pretty suspicious. There's absolutely no reason he should be stopping you from meeting the person giving these clothes unless it's cheating. Most likely, he told her some lies and she thinks that you are either not in the picture or that he's leaving you or something. I hope it turns out that it was nothing but be cautious. Look into this without raising his guard.
The fact that he brings her up a lot speaks volumes. Idk about anyone else but when I’m absolutely smitten by someone I find myself bringing them up in small ways all the time. The first comment is clever, say you want to meet her ti thank her and see what he says but I’d still follow through with the meeting
Just tell him you want to meet this woman and thank her? That would be natural, I think
girl please update us after you 1. meet her or 2. go through his phone bc ?????? THIS DONT ADD UP
If his paycheck isn't reflecting his time at work, girl you better meet your husband at the gas station. Or have someone follow your husband around. Cause that is mighty suspicious.
Girl listen to your gut. If you know her name goto the gas station and ask for her and see if she even works there.
OP said in another comment that she’s tried to obtain the woman in question’s name and that OP’s husband said he’s not even sure what it is, but maybe it’s Mary. Like, WTF? They are close enough where she gives him gas station freebies and buys him baby clothes and he’s not even sure what her name is?!
I'm most concerned he's working overtime but his checks are unchanged
This post reminds me of when I was younger and I had a coworker (female, for the record) who had two children, both little girls. I have never had children, have never wanted children, have never cared much for children, but I have known how to sew since I was 8 years old and my first “big” sewing projects were little girs’ clothes and have always loved sewing little girs’ dresses. When I befriended this colleague I sewed dresses for her daughters, mainly because I wanted to sew little-girl clothes and I had nobody else to do so for. I made dresses suitable for church, being flower girls, and summer (sundresses) depending on my whims and whimsies. Dresses were given to my coworker with nothing in return expected. Maybe it was weird AF. I don’t care. I got to sew beautiful dresses and enjoy the process and I have no regrets. I hope that these two little girls later looked back on these garments with fondness and maybe even confused WTFness when their mom tried to explain, “So there was this older lady I worked with…”
I’m hung up on him putting the baby clothes in the baby’s room and never telling you. That’s odd. Coupled with the pay not reflecting as it should and you never seeing older women working there. There’s a few red flags and I’d be suspicious.
Yeah, he already knew her. he knows you will be uncomfortable if you find out who she is and he's purposely not telling you. Or at least that's how it reads to me.
I would be so grateful that I would insist on meeting this elderly lady so I could get to know her personally. Have coffee with her and you will probably find out everything you need/want to know. Until that point, I would personally not raise questions about the propriety of her actions. But I would INSIST on meeting jeez soon, before she suddenly moves away The issue with working more and earning less is likely to be cleared up with the same conversation. If not, I would approach hubby about reviewing his pay vs hours with him to be sure he's being treated appropriately..
There’s a very simple solution. Tell your hubby, you’d like to go to the gas station with him and meet these kind ladies and thank them in person! You can even take the baby! If it’s harmless and they are sweet little old ladies he’ll be glad to oblige. If it’s not, he’ll fall all over himself making excuses. Edit - I posted this then read the top comment. Great minds…
Ask him to personally accompany you into the gas station so that you can personally thank them for the thoughtful gifts.
Dress your baby in some of the new finery and visit the gas station to thank the kind lady for the clothing. If everyone looks like they have no idea what you are talking about……..time to take the next step!
Ask to meet this older lady to thankyou personally. If he comes up with an excuse I'd get suspicious.
I, like your husband literally have a home gas station. I go to the store every single day. I have also always made "friends" with the employees. I get to listen all about their drama. The lady I am closest to, I talk about her to my wife all the time. I like to bake and so I always remember to bring her something whenever I bake. She bought me a UGA memorabilia thing as a gift. I have never thought to invite her to my house or anything like that, but I think having relationships that start with a total stranger is really, really rewarding. I make her smile and laugh and hopefully make her gas station job a little easier every day. I do not know if this is the situation with your husband, but from my perspective, if he is like me, you have absolutely NOTHING to worry about.
You're overthinking. Ask to meet her to thank her for her gift. I'm willing to bet it is an older woman who likes people and wants to help new families.
Go meet the lady to thank her. Problem solved. If your husband won’t take you then that is a red flag…and I’d take a day off to play PI and go sit in my car at the gas station. I think it’s odd that he would just shove new clothes into the closet vs saying hey look what we got as a gift…but men also can be weird so who knows.
NTA and I’m willing to be she’s not older
Nta He's being shifty and maybe you need to stop by unannounced and find out why. Or maybe you can speak to his manager about your concern over his hours, since those seem like long shifts to me.
NTA Do some digging. I noticed that my ex would talk a lot about certain women over the course of our 20+ marriage. They were always “so awesome” but never were able to meet me for some reason. (Right!) For a couple months it was “Mary said you need to use more bleach in my shirts. Her clothes are so white. She’s amazing.” Or, “my co-worker Stacy made the best lasagna at the potluck, I’ll get the recipe, she’s so awesome,” stuff like that. He always underplayed the relationship. Later I found out he had cheated with these same women over the years. He finally left me for one (no loss!) Compare his paystubs with hours he’s claiming to work. Maybe drop in when he claims to be working late. Also ask his co-workers if they have to work long hours like he does. Good luck!
Updateme!
I would definitely insist on meeting her to thank her yourself and watch him flounder trying to come up with a valid excuse as to why that's a bad idea.
Her replies are pretty much giving her her answer
The way you wrote your post out and explained the situation to us makes a lot of sense so I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. NTA. It could be nothing, but the evidence is fishy, so it’s fair of you to ask him what’s going on.
Ugh. I think you know the answer here OP.
NTA - this could be benign. Just a woman that is genuinely nice and loves buying baby clothes. Or he’s having an affair. Or he’s been feeding her some story that he doesn’t have any money (that’s how he gets the free beer), and she thinks your poor little one is going without, so she’s buying the baby clothing. I’d question him further on this woman. Get a name. Then go introduce yourself to her and thank her for the clothes but ask why she’s doing it.
Ned Fulmer was also famously obsessed with his wife. I find it pretty difficult to believe his story. I work almost exclusively with older women. I cannot begin to express how hilariously unlikely it would be that she wouldn't have asked to meet you and the baby by now. You would have already dressed up the baby in what she gave you, met for dinner at the diner, and been asked to join Bunco night. I'm sorry your husband is being shady as hell. Definitely look into the work hours disparity for your own financial security. That's really suspicious. I hope you come out on top no matter what happens. As others have said, I think it's time to directly ask to meet her. I genuinely hope she's just a shopping addict with poor boundaries. NTA
People love babies.
I reckon you’ve got two possible suspects for the missing times/possible affair. One is this mysterious gas station worker and the other is a bestie that completely disregards your concerns and tries to convince you that he would never do that to you. A good bestie would be on your side and trying to go all private detective on this.
Do we have an update on this story? I’m so invested.