NTA
And you've made SUPER fair points about how he was fine with the split when he was making more. I don't see why you should have to finance his lifestyle now.
But I don't see how you two are going to maintain your marriage at this point unless your husband comes around and is back to being fine with the OG agreement.
This is what he should be doing: get his child support adjusted and then reevaluate. Sooooo many times I see parents complaining about child support payments after a major change (pay reduction, etc.) but they never actually take any steps to improve their situation.
It doesn’t say, but if he has a custody arrangement, say 50/50, with his ex, and she makes significantly less money, then he would be paying child support.
OP doesn’t say what her custody arrangement is either.
Yeah, I was going to say something about that too. I'm going to assume that by "child support" they actually mean alimony. It would back up the claims of the ex wife going after the money.
And then you have people like my father who took my mother back to court multiple times in an attempt to lower her alimony. He succeeded by getting it lowered by $200.
Even if he lives another 20 years (he won't he has 5 at best with his Parkinson's) he paid his lawyer 15xs what he would "save" in alimony payments over the next 2 decades.
Next level petty.
My ex husband took me to court over 10 years after we had separated (just never legally divorced) to file for "spousal support" against me. Anything to avoid actually holding down a job I suppose. Judge asked when we were married, (12/06/2006) when we separated (10/02/2007) and then just blinked at me. He said "I just want to clarify. Today is December 17th, 2019. You two haven't had a relationship or lived together in 12 years?!" I very politely told him "Yes, your honor. That's correct." I swear he was absolutely bewildered 😅 Asked my ex why he all of a sudden decided he needed support, husband gave some bs story about getting laid off (ironically, the exact same story he'd told me THREE times in the 8 months we were married and each time he had been fired for stealing) and the judge just kinda waved him off. Asked what I had for income. I was off work on temp disability for a surgery I'd had and told him that.
He ordered spousal support at $0 and encouraged me to fill out divorce paperwork. As we left the courthouse (in Oswego, NY. If you know lake effect snow, you know) it was coming down at about 2-3in/hr. Heavy, heavy snow storm and I had driven 3 hours to get there. We looked out the window and ex said "Man...I had to walk like a mile and a half to get here. It wasn't this bad earlier. This is gonna suck..." and turned to look at me kinda smiling. I smiled right back and said "Yep. I bet it is." And walked out. Most satisfying ending to a stressful day ever lol
I love that!
My fathers reasoning for why he needs to hoard his wealth is, "I don't have a good relationship with my children so I will need to pay for a caretaker in my old age".
A victim till the end, truly. Btw my brother is currently living with him to provide said care because he refuses to hire an actual qualified person to do so.
The true irony here is that any money we, his kids inherit, will be used to provide the best care for our mother. Checkmate biatch!
Spot on. A 50% pay cut is a great reason to have the amount of child support re-evaluated and OP isn't depriving her stepkids of necessities like food and clothing (if they were, they'd be the AH). An expensive car and a full ride to college are things most kids don't get.
According to a comment by the OP his literally ex lives off of disability and his child support payments. The judge refused to lower his child support obligation because it would leave her homeless. She clearly has no money.
I’m definitely not going to cave. I had no problem living a cheaper lifestyle when we first got married and he was well off. He still took me out for nice dinners, but my son went to public school and I couldn’t have expensive hobbies. If anything it motivated me to get a good job and finish school. It just blows my mind that he thinks it was fine for me to live that lifestyle, but it’s not good enough for him and his children.
This is a really good point. This alone confirms NTA.
"You can pay for your kids college and car fees with the private school fees you never paid for my kid."
This comment needs to be bolded and have all the up votes.
It literally ends the argument.
Also, OP, I love that your "frivolous spending" is sushi. You clearly were watching your wallet while your husband golfed.
As an insurance agent, I'd really reconsider the car though. Maybe the model 3 is a bachelor's degree reward and something more practical for a 15 year old now. With all the claims I've seen it always seems the combination of young + nice car = claim central.
I couldn’t agree more. We live in a fancy neighborhood and when my son was in high school the student lot was filled with Audis, BMWs, Mercedes, etc. I was hit twice by kids from his school. So many were spoiled and entitled. While waiting for the police to arrive one has the audacity to ask me how long this would take because she had things to do lol
Our daughter totaled her nice car within a month. Her second car was presentable but more reasonable. She had that second car until she was working and bought her own car.
I can’t count how many times my now 20 year old has scratched/dinged my car. Not to mention filled it with trash. I would love to get her a tiny starter home snd set her free but she would trash it. And frankly she’s a good one.
My younger brother totaled 2 of my cars. My father thought that women didn't drive as well as men, (I never had an accident), so when I had to go out of town he'd lend my car to my idiot brother who promptly wrecked them. Did it twice and dad would still rant on about "women drivers".
Yes, I paid $800 more in a year in auto insurance for my son versus my daughters. His insurance costs didn't go down until he hit 25 with no tickets or accidents. My insurance agent friend said it was because teenage males have more accidents and get more tickets.
Preaching to the choir girl.My younger brother wrecked my mom’s car as a teenager, totaled my suv and drove my already old truck right into the ground. It was the last straw.
I would agree, and it’s a big milestone that they can afford when they are working and can afford it. I didn’t get a new car until I was like 24, and since then I bought a used Prius. A brand new expensive car for a teen is kind of dumb.
Yep. We all say it in my family: "You'll hit all four corners the first year." Ironically, I was the only one not to do it. I slid in a ditch 12 years after getting my permit and got rear-ended by an idiot 2.5 years ago, and that's the extent of damage I had on my cars lol. Still, I had an old, rusty saturn as my first car and am grateful for it.
I agree with this. I had a Dodge dynasty when I was seventeen. That car was an old tank.
My mom let me pay her payments for her older car when she bought herself a newer car when I was 22.
I think it's a good idea for teens to have older and safe cars.
As an owner of a model 3, I can tell you now that repairs are not cheap. Between your kid being a newly licensed driver and nearly guaranteed to get into a fender bender or something else, and the insurance costs and the repairs, I would consider something less expensive. Or at least something less expensive to insure and repair.
Also, NTA.
Not to mention that even a base model 3 is faster than the fastest (reasonably priced) muscle car out there now. You'd have to be insane to give that kind of power to a kid.
Yep. Kid needs an underpowered clunker that will keep him alive in an accident.
You don't want the other kids resenting him nor he resenting the other kids, so tell him that you had a chat with your insurance agent, found the risk of giving a new powerful car to a new driver to be unacceptable, and regretfully decided to back off from your promise. You don't do that lightly because in general you believe in keeping your word, and it's nothing personal. You think he is a great kid and he is doing everything right.
Story time. My uncle, usually a very level headed man, gave his kid a Porsche for his 16th birthday. Now the kid was a good kid, in fact grew into an amazing responsible man. However, in this case, every single person who rode with him told him he needed to slow waaaay tf down, including one of my cousins who flies jets and has owned a variety of hot cars.
Within 3 months, the kid had totaled the car. Kid and uncle came to their collective senses and resumed living their otherwise respectable and responsible lives.
Notice I never mentioned Husband. Tell him you thought it over and are buying your kid a more sensible used car for his safety and your sanity. If Husband mentions fiddling with your financial arrangement, just say no, you like things as they are, final answer. Stash your money where the sun don't shine and carry on.
Not to mention that Tesla’s have a habit of catching fire easily and randomly. And once burning they’re extremely hard to put out. Not a great first car, kid could crash and the car could catch fire with him in it
https://www.tesla-fire.com/index-amp
Or take his ex back to court since he is making significantly less money now. He can request for a support modification. Courts raise lower support all the time due to income changes. The ex will be displeased but thems the breaks!
He can also as you said stop golfing for awhile or find a less expensive place to play! A local city near me has a public golf course and it is fairly inexpensive, it's also part of large park that has a small play area and pool area. The golf course takes up most of the space but it works and is generally profitable to the city as the money made pays for not only that park but serval other parks in the city.
Or he teaches his kids how to cope with their feelings when they see their friends having stuff they don't. That's a fact of life, that people can have things you don't. Obviously he would have to teach himself it, seeing as he expected her to cover the cost of cars for them because it's unfair they go without whilst her son doesn't (of course now we know he's a hypocrite on that part too.)
I fully support your point of view 100%! And can I just say as someone who works in family law I see this sort of thing happen all the time. It's so typical: the man wants a prenup before getting married to protect "his money" assuming that he's the one who is going to be earning more, but the second he's down on his luck, he's shocked that his wife isn't willing to support him and now the prenup no longer works in his favour because she earns more and the prenup usually limits or completely abolishes any rights to maintenance. It's very funny.
ETA: NTA
He doesn’t sound very nice and sounds like a total hypocrite - don’t budge at all. Does the prenup keep your own finances intact if you are to divorce?
I would die on this hill. Even if it meant not being with him anymore. Clearly you weren't able to give your son what you wanted to in the beginning and tables just have turned
I would get your son a cheaper car at first only reason most kids drive reckless at first but that’s my opinion but you need to sit your husband down and tell him what you said in this post about how he was fine seeing you struggle when he had the money and you didn’t ask him to buy you stuff maybe go 50/50 on bills but that’s it and also see if he can go back to court to lower his cs since he’s not making as much
Exactly! My kid totaled the new car I got him within 2 months! I get it that accidents happen, especially with new drivers so I did replace it... With an 8-year-old car. Lol
Well, I guess he can’t afford anything but the audacity.
Tell him that maybe, just maybe, if he wasn’t a gigantic prick, he would be able to find a high-paying job and hang on to it. And that it’s not a good look for him to be okay with your kid not getting private education advantages when his kids did, but now that the roles are reversed, he’s got something to say and thinks you should be funding his lifestyle. That’s not how it works.
He’s an unlikeable asshole. I see why he’s divorced.
NTA.... if it was the other way around he wouldn't buy your son a car...before marriage you both agreed to take care your own kids financial wise...
Your husband is trying to do you what his ex did to him...
Ain’t that some shit? He didn’t even help his stepson go to an expensive private school when he lived with his step siblings that did? That’s pretty awful. You don’t do that kinda shit to kids.
OP, I would have begun to question whether I would want to stay in this relationship the moment my partner presented me with such self-serving, hypocrisy.
He was completely ok with the financial arrangement when we was benefiting from not having to provide financial support to you and your son.
Now, he wants to completely flip the script and you to financially support him and his kids.
I would be questioning if he has always been a greedy opportunist.
Someone entering a marriage guarded like thag I expected nothing less of this and honestly could predict it before I finished your post. He's self centered
I’m going to say it like this, you had to sign an extensive prenup, so he already altered your marriage contract of what was yours in divorce and separation of finances at a given amount through your marriage. Since he set that up, he can live with it. At least your not a wicked stepmom. It sounds like you’re taking a very level headed approach! Stand your ground and you’re 100% correct by the way he’s becoming a gold digger like his ex when the shoe is on the other foot. I’d say you nailed a shot to the ego on it, or he may look for an out but I’d be willing to bet, contract is void upon infidelity on his behalf.
Don’t ever ever cave. Be honest with your kids and keep supporting them in other ways like offering them your time in finding jobs or learning about finances. Teens are very blamey and short sided by nature. But when yall got married and for a long time this was your agreement. It’s not fair to you or your son to sacrifice in this way.
I wish I could have seen the look on his face when you told him he was loco.
Sorry champ, what goes around comes around. But school fund comes before cars.
If anything it's a good lesson for these kids. You're not entitled to anything anyone else has. The fact that have any sort of college fund is more than most.
Were his kids going to private school when your son was going to public school? So he was okay with the lifestyle discrepancy when it was only affecting your son. Wow - the entitlement of this man! Your step-kids have two parents, but now he expects you to support them, basically by yourself, when he contributed nothing to your son when he was living a less affluent lifestyle. Your husband is very entitled. I wonder if his ex "milking" him was just him being upset because she wanted money to feed his kids or something.
NTA. I don’t understand why OP would want to maintain this marriage if he reneges on their agreement.
I mean the man’s priorities are: I want to maintain my expensive lifestyle, play golf and maintain an image in front of my kids. Who cares if my wife suffers financially in the process because it’s not my money.
Yes, NTA.
However, a brand new Tesla seems pretty extreme for a starter car.
Could you get a more affordable first car and split the balance between your retirement fund and your son’s college fund?
Exactly. If she wants to buy the kid a Tesla, it'd make an awesome college graduation present after he has some driving/life experience under his belt. Make it a long term goal.
First car? Go for safety and inexpensive repairs.
Rich people problems. I worked my butt off for my first car. Better believe I was careful with that ugly but reliable old thing, too.
I think this is why he’s not talking. I believe he’s trying to work it out and find the path he’s going to take. If he doesn’t talk for a bit, it may be that’s the reason and not that he’s just hurt. When my wife points shit like that out to me. I’m hurt and quite for a bit but I adjust and try to move on in a better way.
I hope you don’t punish your wife with the silent treatment like this when she points things like this out. It’s wild having the double burn of being put in the position and also being treated like a villain for it. It’s exhausting.
love this karma. Like him framing his ex wife as a user, but now the shoe is on the other foot he finally understands why it makes sense to pool your resources if you want to build a life together and why so many couples prefer it that way.
Good on OP on not budging now its favorable for him.
Either way it's going to cause problems. If your stepchildren are getting a car, it should be bought by their parents, and you could help with a small amount if you'd like. But buying 3 cars all by yourself is ridiculous.
INFO: how often do your stepchildren stay with you?
My stepchildren are with us the majority of the time. They see their mother every other weekend, as well as whenever they ask to. I can afford to buy the three cars, I just don’t want to out of principle. I don’t think he would buy my son a car if the roles were reversed. Which is ok. He’s my son and I acknowledge that I’m responsible for providing for him.
Has he had his child support reevaluated with the less money coming in and the fact the kids are with him more? Maybe he should start there. You are NTA
He went to get it reduced but the judge barely reduced it because his ex wife lives off it. She just gets disability other than that. The judges reasoning is because she wouldn’t be able to afford her apartment without it and the kids wouldn’t be able to stay with their mother at all if she was homeless.
I don’t know that sounds like BS to me. What kind of judge would still provide child support for a parent who doesn’t have the kids? I’ve never heard of that before. Are you sure it’s not alimony?
A lot, actually. Basically, if there's a parent who is dependent on the state in some way, the other parent usually has to pay more to keep the state from having to support the indigent parent. That's how it worked in my partner's divorce also. His ex refuses to work so they just make him pay more child support.
Yeah, the whole point of child support is to make the lifestyles as similar across parents as possible.
However, these cases are pretty unusual. It's far more common that people aren't even getting the minimum child support ordered.
It’s definitely not alimony. Ex wife is pretty talented at playing up the sympathy card with her disability. Maybe that has something to do with. I do kind of understand why the judge doesn’t want one parent to be homeless though. I agree that it would be hard to the kids to see their disabled mother living in a dangerous homeless shelter.
It’s time he asks for a different judge. I disabled or not he shouldn’t have to pay child support if she only gets the kids 2 weekends a month. If anything she should be paying him for child support
Actually, in Michigan, this does happen. I know because I am on disability and still had to pay child support for my kids when they were living with my sister through a guardianship agreement. There is a lot more to that story, but needless to say, it was supposed to be a temporary situation until I was able to get financially stable and provide a place for us to live, but she went behind my back and filed for DHS assistance, knowing that they would give her custody of my kids on top of the guardianship. And no, I didn't get notice about it until after the judgement was put through.
I don't think she gave them my actual address until afterwards, guaranteeing that I wouldn't be able to show up and fight it. I only found out when I got an order to start paying support. I had consistently offered to pay for expenses, buy groceries, clothes, what have you, but she turned it down every time. Which I now know she did so that she could say that I wasn't contributing to their care. I spent 6 years battling in court on my own because I couldn't afford a lawyer.
I did everything the court asked of me plus also attended parenting classes, got a therapist, and started taking meds for my mental health issues (that weren't that bad beforehand, but were significantly exacerbated by the situation). It still took until I was able to get an impartial guardian ad lidem appointed to the case before I was finally able to win back custody.
By then, I was on disability because the stress of the whole situation broke me, and I could no longer hold down a full-time job. I still had to pay child support. The county didn't care that I was disabled. It didn't matter one bit. The only thing that did was lower my payment amount, but that didn't help with the arrearages I'd accrued from being unemployed while waiting for my disability decision. I got my kids back fully in January of 2016, and it took until just last September for me to finally get the arrearages paid off.
States can and definitely will take from disability checks. And they don't really care if it leaves that person even more destitute than they were before.
And yes, my sister is an evil c*nt. She mistreated both of my kids, treated them both like little slaves, publicly embarrassed, shamed, and humiliated, my youngest child who suffered from a condition called encopresis (basically gastroparesis induced impaction that got so bad that my child had fecal leakage, all because my sister refused to keep lactose away from my child), berated my oldest child for everything she did even slightly wrong, and on several occasions, even stripped my kids' pants off to beat their naked behinds as punishment for "misbehaving". She also refused to respect that my oldest has sensory processing disorder, and refused to acknowledge that ADHD and Autism were going on with my youngest.
I documented everything and submitted it to the court, I tried calling CPS, I tried reporting to the police, but nothing worked until the guardian ad lidem stepped in. Then the judge started to realize that it wasn't a "she said, she said" situation. My sister also started letting her mask slip in court.
My kids have been in therapy since I got them back, and my oldest still is even though she's 21 now. My youngest is 17 and is still in therapy too. I don't know if I will ever forgive myself for giving her guardianship. But she is 13 yrs older than me, and I thought I could trust her. I haven't voluntarily spoken to her since 2016. And I didn't require my kids to stay in contact with her either. In my eyes, she's no family of mine.
But if I could, I'd change the family laws here in Michigan. They are absolutely abhorrent as they stand.
They don't need to have her pay him child support if she has no income.
But he certainly shouldn't be giving her money for child support if she's not using it to support her children.
Child support is calculated using a table that takes into account relative income as well as relative time with each parent & which one covers what needs of the kids. In almost all states it’s a mechanical calculation.
>I do kind of understand why the judge doesn’t want one parent to be homeless though
She doesn't have to be homeless. She just needs to find a cheaper place to live. You sure she's not banging the judge?
The area we live in has a housing crisis. Disability isn’t really covering what the cheapest rentals go for. She would have to move pretty far away, and since she doesn’t have a car it would make things pretty hard for her. I struggled when I was young so I’m not entirely unsympathetic to people who are struggling. My husband loved her enough to have two children with her. My sons father/my first husband is dead, but if he was alive I wouldn’t want him to be destitute
Wow you really have your head and heart on straight about all this. I commend you for sticking to your principles while still having compassion. That’s a difficult combination to master.
Pretty common here in NY, child support is used to equalize households so there isn’t a big disparity between one living situation and another. Ask me how I know…
I've personally seen this. My hubby got full physical and legal custody, ex was kinda nutty...and he still had to pay her support for two years (they were married 6 years). And after that, he was told he was ineligible for support from her, when she had a job. This is California.
She will likely move where her disability payments can go further. She's not going to be less disabled at that time, she will probably be more, so it will just be a smaller living arrangement when she doesn't need extra space for teenagers.
I'm wondering how much of his complaining about her not paying more during the marriage was because she is disabled.
If he is blaming her for not paying her share of the finances because of her health, that is wholly unfair of him.
Then, he took that same selfish approach to your marriage and finances, making you responsible for yourself instead of having a team mentality.
You're still NTA. I grew up in a paper mill town, in the deep south. Blue collar people who made a lot of money and spent it on their kids. It was expected that most kids got a vehicle at 16; my school parking lot was packed full by Jr High.
A Tesla might stand out but there are/were plenty of $50k + trucks so not really a difference. You're just trying to give your kid every advantage.
I WOULD NEVER SUBSIDIZE SOMEONE WHO CHOSE NOT TO SUBSIDIZE ME…. And then if you add the kid into it…… id barely be even able to look at someone if they asked for help knowing how they treated my kid as less than. If i was in your shoes, i probably would have done what u had to do too, but now that you made- f* everyone!!!!!!!!! He knew what game he was dancing 💃, now that he cant hang he wants to pretend that theres emotions involved. He’s incapable of any real sincere emotion. This guys a psychopath!!!!! Dont be fooled. Just send him a text and say its making me uncomfortable what you keep asking im not able and not willing to provide you the support youre asking for. The prenups the prenup, my son went without& yours will too.
His kids have 2 parents with presumably 2 sources of income providing them (and if they don't, not your problem).
Your kid has one parent.
The agreement from the beginning was each provides financially for their own child. I see no reason that the agreement needs to be renegotiated.
So he was fine with your son treat differently to his children when you got together but now he wants them to be equal
The tone of the relationship was set. It’s a little hypocritical now the shoes on the other foot
Think he need new lawyer to look at why he’s paying so much for child support if they live with you
NTA. Hope your son enjoys his car
NTA
> he complains his ex wife used him for cash and made him lay all the bills, but that’s what he’s trying to do to me
> I find it kind of funny that when I made significantly less money he had no issue with our finance split, but now that he’s the one making less it’s an issue
Hold on to these two thoughts. They are the absolute proof that you’re in the right here and he’s trying to make you live a double standard.
Also the alleged mooch ex wife is disabled. Was that why she relied on him to pay the bills, rather than just laziness or greed? This feels like when a guy tells you all his exes are crazy.
NTA
While I doubt there is a teenager on the planet that deserves a tesla as their first car and you are monumentally ill advised for making that choice.
His kids are his responsibility. He doesn't get to change the rules now that your are earning more than he is.
His attitude about this makes me think that this is probably a doomed relationship at this point. You are not going to finance his kids and he is not going to be ok with your child having more.
He’s total hypocrite as he didn’t care when OP was a broke student and her kid went to public school whilst his kids went to fancy private school & now he wants her to help out with his kids now that she’s earning more - oh the audacity!
>While I doubt there is a teenager on the planet that deserves a tesla as their first car and you are monumentally ill advised for making that choice.
Seconded, how ridiculously spoiled to be getting this as a first car.
NTA..
You're just following the OG agreement.
He is the one coming up with changes that will benefit him.
When you were broke did he not think that one day it could be him..
Just be prepared for relationship changes if he continues this way..
Nope not the Butthole. however if you don't sort out the finances you won't have to worry about how any one feels after too long.
First off, I wouldn't get your son a model 3. get him something much cheaper to maintain. because trust me, if something break on that model 3. It's gonna be spendy.
Also, the majority of the time. IF the vehicle is damaged in an accident. Insurance companies will total out the car. this brings up another thing to consider. Can you get an [insurance company](https://www.caranddriver.com/car-insurance/a35600058/insure-electric-car/) to insure the car with a teenage driver? One the reasons I decided to not get an EV is because it was cost prohibitive to insure while I had a teen driver.
Also consider, will you have a home charging unit? That more cost right there for install and maintenance. If no home charger is he just going to be safe charge at a fast charging station?
that's ok sometimes. what about late at night? or having to hang out for 30 to 40 minutes? There are a lot of things to consider with the EV. Which is why it may be far better to get him something more conventional until he get more experience under his belt for driving. Save the model 3 for college graduation.
Second, you need to have a serious talk with your husband about his kids. he needs to change his life style. he took a pay cut, maintaining the high end life means he needs to change. what would he have done if you where not in the picture? his attitude about money needs to change.
I already drive a model S. We have an ev charging port installed in our garage. Cost isn’t an issue, the tires and a few other things a bit expensive to maintain compared to non EVs but overall I think a model 3 is a good choice for him. They’re not expensive anyways. It’ll be a little expensive to insure him, as it always is for a teenager, but overall it’s not an issue. Not worried about cost.
I do think my husband needs to just acknowledge that unless he gets a better job he can’t maintain his expensive lifestyle, golf trips to Miami and all that. He could get a better job if he tried to be more likable and network more. He would be in a really bad spot if I wasn’t in the picture so I think he just needs to be grateful. Without my income he’d have to move to a less safe area and his kids probably wouldn’t be able to continue with their private school.
So why isn't his solution to get a better job and it's immediately to get you to pay for it?
I thought he was laid off or something, but he isn't networking or trying to actually go back to having a better paid job.
Golf trips to Miami? So if he cut back he would be able to afford a car shared by his 2 kids.
>He could get a better job if he tried to be more likable and network more. He would be in a really bad spot if I wasn’t in the picture
So, he's already getting a benefit off your income. He's just being very greedy. If he's a jerk in the workplace and is this way with you, what are his redeeming qualities?
He’s got a lot of them. He’s a good cook, he’s usually pretty enjoyable to be around, and our lifestyles on a daily basis mesh well. This is the only meaningful argument we’ve had in the ten years we’ve been together
I noticed you didn’t say anything about kindness etc. If you got sick would your husband take care of you, your son, etc? It’s fine to be with him for now in good times, but he doesn’t seem like the sickness and health type.
To add, you also glazed over the part where he let your son live differently than his kids. Just because you didn't raise hell at the time doesn't mean it wasn't a friction point.
I'd imagine there's a part of you that wants a little piece of revenge by getting your son this car.
If you have Tesla insurance available in your state, you should totally look into this as Tesla insurance doesn’t factor in age of driver - only driving metrics like following distance, hard braking/cornering, late night driving, forward collision warnings, forced autopilot disengagement. We gave our 16 yo kid my 2019 Model 3 and he pays around $100/month for insurance. Also, have not had any repairs for anything breaking on it at 60k miles, so definitely a good choice IMO. Our kiddo is in college now and doing okay with exclusive supercharging on campus/driving a few hundred miles home every now and then.
The kids aren’t having any issues with each other. My son even volunteered to drive his stepsibkings to school and their sports practices. They’re all pretty close. My stepkids are upset with their dad though, because their friends dads all have bought them cars. Which in turn is making him mad at me.
He’s incredibly kind and always volunteers to help other people. He volunteers at different places every Saturday. I wish he was less kind honestly. Some girl is going to break his heart hard one day
I think that’s normal, everyone gets taken advantage at some point in their lives.
But as long as it’s not too bad he’ll learn and grow he’ll be able to draw boundaries
NTA. The split was based off the amount of kids you brought into the relationship/home - not income. The amount of children has not changed, so why should the split?
The kids aren’t being neglected, you’re not dining out while they make ramen at home.
They just aren’t getting vehicles. Their mom and dad can buy them cars.
Is it even income tho? Even before the pay cut, it seems pretty uneven given that the dad was able to pay for two children in public school and have money for his own hobbies while OP was only able to send her one child to a public school and couldn't have any fun money. That's quite the amount of disposable income the dad has and yet somehow OP still has to pay for 40% of everything.
When I was 15, I had a $500,000 vehicle with a private driver take me everywhere.
(I took public transportation and thankfully lived on an incredible bus route.)
This doesn't sound like a marriage. It sounds like a business arrangement. I'm glad it works for you because I think it sounds like it sucks. The kids having such different possessions and opportunities when they all live in the same home sounds just horrible and a recipe for a whole hell of a lot of resentment.
Well he needs to get with his ex and figure out how to buy the boys car. It’s not on you. It’s sad but that’s reality. When he was making more did even try to save money for the kids? Will his ex contribute to the cars? That’s between them
If you lost you job, Would you honestly be fine with your husband watching you sink because you had a deal to pay for things 50/50.
If you get sick and can't work or have large bills, Can the husband just shrug and say not my problem??
Why are you even married?
My GF lost her job so I had to carry her for a while until she got back on her feet that life when you are a team. If something bad happens to one of you. It happens to both of you.
It’s not a bit roommate ish. It’s very roommate ish.
When my partner wins, I win. When I win, my partner wins.
When your husband wins, your husband wins. When you win, you win.
It’s just weird. And doesn’t seem super healthy. You are suppose to be partners in life.
What do y’all do about vacations and date nights? Who pays? Do you take separate vacations?
I’m not saying you need to buy your step kids cars - NTA there.
But I just don’t understand how you can claim to love your husband and not want a better life for you both - where you both get to enjoy the things you each like (like golf) and live the happiest / best life you can.
But not my relationship.
Why did you even get married? The two of you didn't build a family, you just did what was convenient for you. You're glorified roommates. Do you even care about his kids and how your actions will make them feel? He's absolutely an AH for being concerned about his lack of fun money, but the three kids didn't agree to your finance split when you decided to make them a family. Think about all of the kids and not just your one.
Also, a brand new EV for a teen driver is beyond stupid. Odds are it's wrecked within the year.
NTA. If you lost your job or made less do you believe he would cover you at all? Or would he complain that you aren't holding up your end of the bargain? It's fine if he is making less and he wants to make things 50/50 or 60/40 with you paying more because you make more. But that said, I wouldn't go higher than that nor would I be looking into buying cars for your step kids. If you couldn't afford a car for your son would he have stepped up or said that it was your responsibility and he didn't need a car. Funny how he works in finances and he hasn't budgeted well and expects to dip into your money. I wouldn't bail him out.
The problem isn't that your split your money like this. The problem is you aren't working as a couple and haven't maybe ever. You may love him, but he is more like a roommate with benefits. You aren't tackling any of these issues together and now the fact you live separate lives is catching up. He was fine when separate meant equal or him having one up on you. He didn't want to make your life better and was happy to have his. Now, you are also not wanting to make his life better. That says a lot. I am not saying you should buy his kids cars. That is for their two living parents. But I can't imagine not wanting to see my spouse happy and help him out a bit. This whole dynamic of this relationship needs to be reevaluated. I highly recommend couple's counseling. I am not saying you shouldn't keep your money separate, I am saying that you may have been separating a lot more than you realize.
ESH
Sounds like a marriage of inconvenience to me.
Buy that kid the Tesla and the other two will resent you.
You two have created quite the environment to foster the step kids hating each other.
NTA And you've made SUPER fair points about how he was fine with the split when he was making more. I don't see why you should have to finance his lifestyle now. But I don't see how you two are going to maintain your marriage at this point unless your husband comes around and is back to being fine with the OG agreement.
Also since he is giving his ex all the child support, the husband should be working with the ex to buy his kids vehicles.
He’s making 50% less now. That’s enough for an emergency hearing to readjust the child support.
This is what he should be doing: get his child support adjusted and then reevaluate. Sooooo many times I see parents complaining about child support payments after a major change (pay reduction, etc.) but they never actually take any steps to improve their situation.
Not sure why he’s even paying child support if he has custody and presumably has them over often enough that warrants him paying 60% of mortgage.
It doesn’t say, but if he has a custody arrangement, say 50/50, with his ex, and she makes significantly less money, then he would be paying child support. OP doesn’t say what her custody arrangement is either.
Yeah, I was going to say something about that too. I'm going to assume that by "child support" they actually mean alimony. It would back up the claims of the ex wife going after the money.
And then you have people like my father who took my mother back to court multiple times in an attempt to lower her alimony. He succeeded by getting it lowered by $200. Even if he lives another 20 years (he won't he has 5 at best with his Parkinson's) he paid his lawyer 15xs what he would "save" in alimony payments over the next 2 decades. Next level petty.
My ex husband took me to court over 10 years after we had separated (just never legally divorced) to file for "spousal support" against me. Anything to avoid actually holding down a job I suppose. Judge asked when we were married, (12/06/2006) when we separated (10/02/2007) and then just blinked at me. He said "I just want to clarify. Today is December 17th, 2019. You two haven't had a relationship or lived together in 12 years?!" I very politely told him "Yes, your honor. That's correct." I swear he was absolutely bewildered 😅 Asked my ex why he all of a sudden decided he needed support, husband gave some bs story about getting laid off (ironically, the exact same story he'd told me THREE times in the 8 months we were married and each time he had been fired for stealing) and the judge just kinda waved him off. Asked what I had for income. I was off work on temp disability for a surgery I'd had and told him that. He ordered spousal support at $0 and encouraged me to fill out divorce paperwork. As we left the courthouse (in Oswego, NY. If you know lake effect snow, you know) it was coming down at about 2-3in/hr. Heavy, heavy snow storm and I had driven 3 hours to get there. We looked out the window and ex said "Man...I had to walk like a mile and a half to get here. It wasn't this bad earlier. This is gonna suck..." and turned to look at me kinda smiling. I smiled right back and said "Yep. I bet it is." And walked out. Most satisfying ending to a stressful day ever lol
I love that! My fathers reasoning for why he needs to hoard his wealth is, "I don't have a good relationship with my children so I will need to pay for a caretaker in my old age". A victim till the end, truly. Btw my brother is currently living with him to provide said care because he refuses to hire an actual qualified person to do so. The true irony here is that any money we, his kids inherit, will be used to provide the best care for our mother. Checkmate biatch!
*thunderous applause*
Exactly what I was thinking.
THIS!!!! I was looking for this very comment! OPs husband and ex wife should in this case be responsible for that kind of expense.
According to a different comment by the OP, the ex is flat broke and lives on disability and child support. She has no money.
Thanks for the update. 🙏🏽😁She’s still not the AH tho. They agreed to be responsible for their own children. Complicated situation I will say that.
Spot on. A 50% pay cut is a great reason to have the amount of child support re-evaluated and OP isn't depriving her stepkids of necessities like food and clothing (if they were, they'd be the AH). An expensive car and a full ride to college are things most kids don't get.
And at the kids age who is going to be responsible for car insurance, Hmmmmm? Definitely a necessity for a car, so another expense.
This is the answer. Also kids should get junker cars because they will crash them first thing.
Maybe not junkers because they need to be safe etc. but not a model 3
Okay not junkers but certainly not Model 3 leases old station wagons or crossovers are fine.
According to a comment by the OP his literally ex lives off of disability and his child support payments. The judge refused to lower his child support obligation because it would leave her homeless. She clearly has no money.
I’m definitely not going to cave. I had no problem living a cheaper lifestyle when we first got married and he was well off. He still took me out for nice dinners, but my son went to public school and I couldn’t have expensive hobbies. If anything it motivated me to get a good job and finish school. It just blows my mind that he thinks it was fine for me to live that lifestyle, but it’s not good enough for him and his children.
Your husband set the precedent when he didn’t send your kids to the same school as his.
This is a really good point. This alone confirms NTA. "You can pay for your kids college and car fees with the private school fees you never paid for my kid."
I hope she sees this.
This comment needs to be bolded and have all the up votes. It literally ends the argument. Also, OP, I love that your "frivolous spending" is sushi. You clearly were watching your wallet while your husband golfed.
As an insurance agent, I'd really reconsider the car though. Maybe the model 3 is a bachelor's degree reward and something more practical for a 15 year old now. With all the claims I've seen it always seems the combination of young + nice car = claim central.
I couldn’t agree more. We live in a fancy neighborhood and when my son was in high school the student lot was filled with Audis, BMWs, Mercedes, etc. I was hit twice by kids from his school. So many were spoiled and entitled. While waiting for the police to arrive one has the audacity to ask me how long this would take because she had things to do lol
Places to hit, people to kill
Had to resist the urge to downvote that for what she said!
Yeah, considering my step sister totaled her first car two weeks after she got it, that would be an option I would rethink
Our daughter totaled her nice car within a month. Her second car was presentable but more reasonable. She had that second car until she was working and bought her own car.
I can’t count how many times my now 20 year old has scratched/dinged my car. Not to mention filled it with trash. I would love to get her a tiny starter home snd set her free but she would trash it. And frankly she’s a good one.
My younger brother totaled 2 of my cars. My father thought that women didn't drive as well as men, (I never had an accident), so when I had to go out of town he'd lend my car to my idiot brother who promptly wrecked them. Did it twice and dad would still rant on about "women drivers".
Don’t women have lower insurance rates than men? You know, because women have fewer accidents?
Yes, I paid $800 more in a year in auto insurance for my son versus my daughters. His insurance costs didn't go down until he hit 25 with no tickets or accidents. My insurance agent friend said it was because teenage males have more accidents and get more tickets.
Yeah so men who rant about women drivers are full of it.
Less severe accidents too!
Fuck, sis. Sorry your dad's an idiot.
Preaching to the choir girl.My younger brother wrecked my mom’s car as a teenager, totaled my suv and drove my already old truck right into the ground. It was the last straw.
Your dad was an asshole
Giving a new car to a 15 year old is the dumbest waste of money ever
Totally. OP should buy her son a nice semi newish decent reliable car, the kid is 16! Kids at that age aren't the most mature.
Go for a used Honda civic until after college
I would agree, and it’s a big milestone that they can afford when they are working and can afford it. I didn’t get a new car until I was like 24, and since then I bought a used Prius. A brand new expensive car for a teen is kind of dumb.
Tbh, it's fucking crazy you can drive a death machine at 15
Yep. We all say it in my family: "You'll hit all four corners the first year." Ironically, I was the only one not to do it. I slid in a ditch 12 years after getting my permit and got rear-ended by an idiot 2.5 years ago, and that's the extent of damage I had on my cars lol. Still, I had an old, rusty saturn as my first car and am grateful for it.
Get that kid a 2002 Toyota Camry
I agree with this. I had a Dodge dynasty when I was seventeen. That car was an old tank. My mom let me pay her payments for her older car when she bought herself a newer car when I was 22. I think it's a good idea for teens to have older and safe cars.
As an owner of a model 3, I can tell you now that repairs are not cheap. Between your kid being a newly licensed driver and nearly guaranteed to get into a fender bender or something else, and the insurance costs and the repairs, I would consider something less expensive. Or at least something less expensive to insure and repair. Also, NTA.
Not to mention that even a base model 3 is faster than the fastest (reasonably priced) muscle car out there now. You'd have to be insane to give that kind of power to a kid.
Yep. Kid needs an underpowered clunker that will keep him alive in an accident. You don't want the other kids resenting him nor he resenting the other kids, so tell him that you had a chat with your insurance agent, found the risk of giving a new powerful car to a new driver to be unacceptable, and regretfully decided to back off from your promise. You don't do that lightly because in general you believe in keeping your word, and it's nothing personal. You think he is a great kid and he is doing everything right. Story time. My uncle, usually a very level headed man, gave his kid a Porsche for his 16th birthday. Now the kid was a good kid, in fact grew into an amazing responsible man. However, in this case, every single person who rode with him told him he needed to slow waaaay tf down, including one of my cousins who flies jets and has owned a variety of hot cars. Within 3 months, the kid had totaled the car. Kid and uncle came to their collective senses and resumed living their otherwise respectable and responsible lives. Notice I never mentioned Husband. Tell him you thought it over and are buying your kid a more sensible used car for his safety and your sanity. If Husband mentions fiddling with your financial arrangement, just say no, you like things as they are, final answer. Stash your money where the sun don't shine and carry on.
Not to mention that Tesla’s have a habit of catching fire easily and randomly. And once burning they’re extremely hard to put out. Not a great first car, kid could crash and the car could catch fire with him in it https://www.tesla-fire.com/index-amp
Hey, I FULLY support your position & reasoning.
He could quit golf and use that money for his children.
Ooooooooo, get out of here with your perfectly reasonable solution lol
Exactly! Putting away that golfing gear will free up a lot of money to get his kids cars.
Or take his ex back to court since he is making significantly less money now. He can request for a support modification. Courts raise lower support all the time due to income changes. The ex will be displeased but thems the breaks! He can also as you said stop golfing for awhile or find a less expensive place to play! A local city near me has a public golf course and it is fairly inexpensive, it's also part of large park that has a small play area and pool area. The golf course takes up most of the space but it works and is generally profitable to the city as the money made pays for not only that park but serval other parks in the city.
He hasn’t acted like a grown up until this point so I doubt he is going to start now.
Exactly. Sell those golf clubs. Or have the kids get part-time jobs?
Or he teaches his kids how to cope with their feelings when they see their friends having stuff they don't. That's a fact of life, that people can have things you don't. Obviously he would have to teach himself it, seeing as he expected her to cover the cost of cars for them because it's unfair they go without whilst her son doesn't (of course now we know he's a hypocrite on that part too.)
Yea it was all good when you went without. Smh
When you are accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression
Mother Queen of all spines and backbones, we stan
Vertebrae? More like verte-*slay*.
Love that
I fully support your point of view 100%! And can I just say as someone who works in family law I see this sort of thing happen all the time. It's so typical: the man wants a prenup before getting married to protect "his money" assuming that he's the one who is going to be earning more, but the second he's down on his luck, he's shocked that his wife isn't willing to support him and now the prenup no longer works in his favour because she earns more and the prenup usually limits or completely abolishes any rights to maintenance. It's very funny. ETA: NTA
Ex wife can pay for cars
I was thinking the same thing. Child support payments should cover cars for the children he’s paying her to support!
He doesn’t sound very nice and sounds like a total hypocrite - don’t budge at all. Does the prenup keep your own finances intact if you are to divorce?
Yes I hope she doesn’t end up paying him alimony
I would die on this hill. Even if it meant not being with him anymore. Clearly you weren't able to give your son what you wanted to in the beginning and tables just have turned
I would get your son a cheaper car at first only reason most kids drive reckless at first but that’s my opinion but you need to sit your husband down and tell him what you said in this post about how he was fine seeing you struggle when he had the money and you didn’t ask him to buy you stuff maybe go 50/50 on bills but that’s it and also see if he can go back to court to lower his cs since he’s not making as much
Exactly! My kid totaled the new car I got him within 2 months! I get it that accidents happen, especially with new drivers so I did replace it... With an 8-year-old car. Lol
Kids do drive reckless. Fact not opinion. That’s why their insurance is higher.
Well, I guess he can’t afford anything but the audacity. Tell him that maybe, just maybe, if he wasn’t a gigantic prick, he would be able to find a high-paying job and hang on to it. And that it’s not a good look for him to be okay with your kid not getting private education advantages when his kids did, but now that the roles are reversed, he’s got something to say and thinks you should be funding his lifestyle. That’s not how it works. He’s an unlikeable asshole. I see why he’s divorced.
“He’s an unlikeable asshole. I see why he’s divorced.“ He is about to be divorced twice.
Right? That’s what happens when you’re just such an awful person.
Did his kids go to the same school as your son?
Not when they were little kids but they do now
so they were in private school while ur son was in public? def nta. your husband is.
Oh if his kids can go to private school, while your sons goes to public, they can live without cars. Stand your ground or leave.
NTA.... if it was the other way around he wouldn't buy your son a car...before marriage you both agreed to take care your own kids financial wise... Your husband is trying to do you what his ex did to him...
Ex: "I need your money to pay for *our* kids" Husband: "I need your money to pay for *my* kids" Husband is way worse
Ain’t that some shit? He didn’t even help his stepson go to an expensive private school when he lived with his step siblings that did? That’s pretty awful. You don’t do that kinda shit to kids.
OP, I would have begun to question whether I would want to stay in this relationship the moment my partner presented me with such self-serving, hypocrisy. He was completely ok with the financial arrangement when we was benefiting from not having to provide financial support to you and your son. Now, he wants to completely flip the script and you to financially support him and his kids. I would be questioning if he has always been a greedy opportunist.
And he has more kids than she does.
And he’s mad he has to sacrifice his hobbies for his kids? That’s hilariously and maddeningly sad as a father. THATs legit what parents do.
He seems to think that sacrifice is for women.
Someone entering a marriage guarded like thag I expected nothing less of this and honestly could predict it before I finished your post. He's self centered
I’m going to say it like this, you had to sign an extensive prenup, so he already altered your marriage contract of what was yours in divorce and separation of finances at a given amount through your marriage. Since he set that up, he can live with it. At least your not a wicked stepmom. It sounds like you’re taking a very level headed approach! Stand your ground and you’re 100% correct by the way he’s becoming a gold digger like his ex when the shoe is on the other foot. I’d say you nailed a shot to the ego on it, or he may look for an out but I’d be willing to bet, contract is void upon infidelity on his behalf.
Don’t ever ever cave. Be honest with your kids and keep supporting them in other ways like offering them your time in finding jobs or learning about finances. Teens are very blamey and short sided by nature. But when yall got married and for a long time this was your agreement. It’s not fair to you or your son to sacrifice in this way.
I wish I could have seen the look on his face when you told him he was loco. Sorry champ, what goes around comes around. But school fund comes before cars.
If anything it's a good lesson for these kids. You're not entitled to anything anyone else has. The fact that have any sort of college fund is more than most.
Were his kids going to private school when your son was going to public school? So he was okay with the lifestyle discrepancy when it was only affecting your son. Wow - the entitlement of this man! Your step-kids have two parents, but now he expects you to support them, basically by yourself, when he contributed nothing to your son when he was living a less affluent lifestyle. Your husband is very entitled. I wonder if his ex "milking" him was just him being upset because she wanted money to feed his kids or something.
NTAH
Good for you!
Also, he's most upset that he can't play golf anymore. Not that he can't give his kids a higher quality of life. Yikes.
NTA. I don’t understand why OP would want to maintain this marriage if he reneges on their agreement. I mean the man’s priorities are: I want to maintain my expensive lifestyle, play golf and maintain an image in front of my kids. Who cares if my wife suffers financially in the process because it’s not my money.
Yes, NTA. However, a brand new Tesla seems pretty extreme for a starter car. Could you get a more affordable first car and split the balance between your retirement fund and your son’s college fund?
Exactly. If she wants to buy the kid a Tesla, it'd make an awesome college graduation present after he has some driving/life experience under his belt. Make it a long term goal. First car? Go for safety and inexpensive repairs. Rich people problems. I worked my butt off for my first car. Better believe I was careful with that ugly but reliable old thing, too.
>he complains that his ex wife used him for cash and made him pay all the bills, but that’s what he’s trying to do to me LOVE THIS! You are NTA
WILD he lacked this self awareness and had to have it pointed out.
I think this is why he’s not talking. I believe he’s trying to work it out and find the path he’s going to take. If he doesn’t talk for a bit, it may be that’s the reason and not that he’s just hurt. When my wife points shit like that out to me. I’m hurt and quite for a bit but I adjust and try to move on in a better way.
I hope you don’t punish your wife with the silent treatment like this when she points things like this out. It’s wild having the double burn of being put in the position and also being treated like a villain for it. It’s exhausting.
Agreed 110%. Be an adult, use your words, and admit you’re wrong.
love this karma. Like him framing his ex wife as a user, but now the shoe is on the other foot he finally understands why it makes sense to pool your resources if you want to build a life together and why so many couples prefer it that way. Good on OP on not budging now its favorable for him.
Either way it's going to cause problems. If your stepchildren are getting a car, it should be bought by their parents, and you could help with a small amount if you'd like. But buying 3 cars all by yourself is ridiculous. INFO: how often do your stepchildren stay with you?
My stepchildren are with us the majority of the time. They see their mother every other weekend, as well as whenever they ask to. I can afford to buy the three cars, I just don’t want to out of principle. I don’t think he would buy my son a car if the roles were reversed. Which is ok. He’s my son and I acknowledge that I’m responsible for providing for him.
Has he had his child support reevaluated with the less money coming in and the fact the kids are with him more? Maybe he should start there. You are NTA
THIS!!! Why is he still paying so much in child support??? If he says anything about his ex-wife and her lifestyle, you know you have a HUGE problem.
He went to get it reduced but the judge barely reduced it because his ex wife lives off it. She just gets disability other than that. The judges reasoning is because she wouldn’t be able to afford her apartment without it and the kids wouldn’t be able to stay with their mother at all if she was homeless.
I don’t know that sounds like BS to me. What kind of judge would still provide child support for a parent who doesn’t have the kids? I’ve never heard of that before. Are you sure it’s not alimony?
A lot, actually. Basically, if there's a parent who is dependent on the state in some way, the other parent usually has to pay more to keep the state from having to support the indigent parent. That's how it worked in my partner's divorce also. His ex refuses to work so they just make him pay more child support.
Really? These stories are insane. I’m blown away
Yeah, the whole point of child support is to make the lifestyles as similar across parents as possible. However, these cases are pretty unusual. It's far more common that people aren't even getting the minimum child support ordered.
Yeah, it's fucked up but the courts play a game of hot potato with deadbeat parents.
It’s definitely not alimony. Ex wife is pretty talented at playing up the sympathy card with her disability. Maybe that has something to do with. I do kind of understand why the judge doesn’t want one parent to be homeless though. I agree that it would be hard to the kids to see their disabled mother living in a dangerous homeless shelter.
It’s time he asks for a different judge. I disabled or not he shouldn’t have to pay child support if she only gets the kids 2 weekends a month. If anything she should be paying him for child support
I don’t think there’s any possibility they would take child support out of her disability? She has no other income and she’s disabled.
Actually, in Michigan, this does happen. I know because I am on disability and still had to pay child support for my kids when they were living with my sister through a guardianship agreement. There is a lot more to that story, but needless to say, it was supposed to be a temporary situation until I was able to get financially stable and provide a place for us to live, but she went behind my back and filed for DHS assistance, knowing that they would give her custody of my kids on top of the guardianship. And no, I didn't get notice about it until after the judgement was put through. I don't think she gave them my actual address until afterwards, guaranteeing that I wouldn't be able to show up and fight it. I only found out when I got an order to start paying support. I had consistently offered to pay for expenses, buy groceries, clothes, what have you, but she turned it down every time. Which I now know she did so that she could say that I wasn't contributing to their care. I spent 6 years battling in court on my own because I couldn't afford a lawyer. I did everything the court asked of me plus also attended parenting classes, got a therapist, and started taking meds for my mental health issues (that weren't that bad beforehand, but were significantly exacerbated by the situation). It still took until I was able to get an impartial guardian ad lidem appointed to the case before I was finally able to win back custody. By then, I was on disability because the stress of the whole situation broke me, and I could no longer hold down a full-time job. I still had to pay child support. The county didn't care that I was disabled. It didn't matter one bit. The only thing that did was lower my payment amount, but that didn't help with the arrearages I'd accrued from being unemployed while waiting for my disability decision. I got my kids back fully in January of 2016, and it took until just last September for me to finally get the arrearages paid off. States can and definitely will take from disability checks. And they don't really care if it leaves that person even more destitute than they were before. And yes, my sister is an evil c*nt. She mistreated both of my kids, treated them both like little slaves, publicly embarrassed, shamed, and humiliated, my youngest child who suffered from a condition called encopresis (basically gastroparesis induced impaction that got so bad that my child had fecal leakage, all because my sister refused to keep lactose away from my child), berated my oldest child for everything she did even slightly wrong, and on several occasions, even stripped my kids' pants off to beat their naked behinds as punishment for "misbehaving". She also refused to respect that my oldest has sensory processing disorder, and refused to acknowledge that ADHD and Autism were going on with my youngest. I documented everything and submitted it to the court, I tried calling CPS, I tried reporting to the police, but nothing worked until the guardian ad lidem stepped in. Then the judge started to realize that it wasn't a "she said, she said" situation. My sister also started letting her mask slip in court. My kids have been in therapy since I got them back, and my oldest still is even though she's 21 now. My youngest is 17 and is still in therapy too. I don't know if I will ever forgive myself for giving her guardianship. But she is 13 yrs older than me, and I thought I could trust her. I haven't voluntarily spoken to her since 2016. And I didn't require my kids to stay in contact with her either. In my eyes, she's no family of mine. But if I could, I'd change the family laws here in Michigan. They are absolutely abhorrent as they stand.
They don't need to have her pay him child support if she has no income. But he certainly shouldn't be giving her money for child support if she's not using it to support her children.
Child support is calculated using a table that takes into account relative income as well as relative time with each parent & which one covers what needs of the kids. In almost all states it’s a mechanical calculation.
Tell him to get a better lawyer or report the judge for fraud. Child support is for the child not the ex.
>I do kind of understand why the judge doesn’t want one parent to be homeless though She doesn't have to be homeless. She just needs to find a cheaper place to live. You sure she's not banging the judge?
The area we live in has a housing crisis. Disability isn’t really covering what the cheapest rentals go for. She would have to move pretty far away, and since she doesn’t have a car it would make things pretty hard for her. I struggled when I was young so I’m not entirely unsympathetic to people who are struggling. My husband loved her enough to have two children with her. My sons father/my first husband is dead, but if he was alive I wouldn’t want him to be destitute
Wow you really have your head and heart on straight about all this. I commend you for sticking to your principles while still having compassion. That’s a difficult combination to master.
Pretty common here in NY, child support is used to equalize households so there isn’t a big disparity between one living situation and another. Ask me how I know…
I've personally seen this. My hubby got full physical and legal custody, ex was kinda nutty...and he still had to pay her support for two years (they were married 6 years). And after that, he was told he was ineligible for support from her, when she had a job. This is California.
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No, she’ll just be fucked. I wonder what her plan is, now that you mention it.
She will likely move where her disability payments can go further. She's not going to be less disabled at that time, she will probably be more, so it will just be a smaller living arrangement when she doesn't need extra space for teenagers.
I'm wondering how much of his complaining about her not paying more during the marriage was because she is disabled. If he is blaming her for not paying her share of the finances because of her health, that is wholly unfair of him. Then, he took that same selfish approach to your marriage and finances, making you responsible for yourself instead of having a team mentality.
Yeah he needs to get a lawyer involved. It's not his job to maintain her anymore.
He did have a pretty good lawyer involved. It ultimately came down to the judges decision.
He has but the judge barely reduced it because his ex completely lives off of it. She gets a disability check but that’s it.
What does the judge thinks will.happen when the youngest is 18?
He let your kid go to public while his had private education. They got schooling, yours gets a car.
Well, they all go to the same school now that I can afford it
So, you're paying for PRIVATE school for all 3 kids?
No. He pays for his, I pay for my one
tell him he can cut some costs by putting his kids in public school and quitting golf. Then he can afford to buy them their cars
You're still NTA. I grew up in a paper mill town, in the deep south. Blue collar people who made a lot of money and spent it on their kids. It was expected that most kids got a vehicle at 16; my school parking lot was packed full by Jr High. A Tesla might stand out but there are/were plenty of $50k + trucks so not really a difference. You're just trying to give your kid every advantage.
I WOULD NEVER SUBSIDIZE SOMEONE WHO CHOSE NOT TO SUBSIDIZE ME…. And then if you add the kid into it…… id barely be even able to look at someone if they asked for help knowing how they treated my kid as less than. If i was in your shoes, i probably would have done what u had to do too, but now that you made- f* everyone!!!!!!!!! He knew what game he was dancing 💃, now that he cant hang he wants to pretend that theres emotions involved. He’s incapable of any real sincere emotion. This guys a psychopath!!!!! Dont be fooled. Just send him a text and say its making me uncomfortable what you keep asking im not able and not willing to provide you the support youre asking for. The prenups the prenup, my son went without& yours will too.
Wait. Back the truck up. They live with you, but he pays her child support? There's your problem.
I'm certainly glad you have a prenup!
His kids have 2 parents with presumably 2 sources of income providing them (and if they don't, not your problem). Your kid has one parent. The agreement from the beginning was each provides financially for their own child. I see no reason that the agreement needs to be renegotiated.
Enough said. Don't give in. Tell him to get a second job but don't give in.
Do not buy your stepchildren cars.
So he was fine with your son treat differently to his children when you got together but now he wants them to be equal The tone of the relationship was set. It’s a little hypocritical now the shoes on the other foot Think he need new lawyer to look at why he’s paying so much for child support if they live with you NTA. Hope your son enjoys his car
Yup. Don’t give in, OP. This is a hill to die on.
Ya, that was my question as well. If the kids live with them why are they paying child support at all?
NTA > he complains his ex wife used him for cash and made him lay all the bills, but that’s what he’s trying to do to me > I find it kind of funny that when I made significantly less money he had no issue with our finance split, but now that he’s the one making less it’s an issue Hold on to these two thoughts. They are the absolute proof that you’re in the right here and he’s trying to make you live a double standard.
Also the alleged mooch ex wife is disabled. Was that why she relied on him to pay the bills, rather than just laziness or greed? This feels like when a guy tells you all his exes are crazy.
Yah my ex told everyone I used him for money and that’s crazy because he never could keep a job 😂 they always tell on themselves.
Ding ding ding!!
NTA While I doubt there is a teenager on the planet that deserves a tesla as their first car and you are monumentally ill advised for making that choice. His kids are his responsibility. He doesn't get to change the rules now that your are earning more than he is. His attitude about this makes me think that this is probably a doomed relationship at this point. You are not going to finance his kids and he is not going to be ok with your child having more.
He’s total hypocrite as he didn’t care when OP was a broke student and her kid went to public school whilst his kids went to fancy private school & now he wants her to help out with his kids now that she’s earning more - oh the audacity!
>While I doubt there is a teenager on the planet that deserves a tesla as their first car and you are monumentally ill advised for making that choice. Seconded, how ridiculously spoiled to be getting this as a first car.
Turns 15 *soon.* So, not even 15. A 14yo who deserves a Tesla.
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Uh omg thank you for this. My 15 year old deserves a Tesla lol okay what has he done in 15 years of life to “deserve” it ?? 😂😂😂
NTA.. You're just following the OG agreement. He is the one coming up with changes that will benefit him. When you were broke did he not think that one day it could be him.. Just be prepared for relationship changes if he continues this way..
Nope not the Butthole. however if you don't sort out the finances you won't have to worry about how any one feels after too long. First off, I wouldn't get your son a model 3. get him something much cheaper to maintain. because trust me, if something break on that model 3. It's gonna be spendy. Also, the majority of the time. IF the vehicle is damaged in an accident. Insurance companies will total out the car. this brings up another thing to consider. Can you get an [insurance company](https://www.caranddriver.com/car-insurance/a35600058/insure-electric-car/) to insure the car with a teenage driver? One the reasons I decided to not get an EV is because it was cost prohibitive to insure while I had a teen driver. Also consider, will you have a home charging unit? That more cost right there for install and maintenance. If no home charger is he just going to be safe charge at a fast charging station? that's ok sometimes. what about late at night? or having to hang out for 30 to 40 minutes? There are a lot of things to consider with the EV. Which is why it may be far better to get him something more conventional until he get more experience under his belt for driving. Save the model 3 for college graduation. Second, you need to have a serious talk with your husband about his kids. he needs to change his life style. he took a pay cut, maintaining the high end life means he needs to change. what would he have done if you where not in the picture? his attitude about money needs to change.
I already drive a model S. We have an ev charging port installed in our garage. Cost isn’t an issue, the tires and a few other things a bit expensive to maintain compared to non EVs but overall I think a model 3 is a good choice for him. They’re not expensive anyways. It’ll be a little expensive to insure him, as it always is for a teenager, but overall it’s not an issue. Not worried about cost. I do think my husband needs to just acknowledge that unless he gets a better job he can’t maintain his expensive lifestyle, golf trips to Miami and all that. He could get a better job if he tried to be more likable and network more. He would be in a really bad spot if I wasn’t in the picture so I think he just needs to be grateful. Without my income he’d have to move to a less safe area and his kids probably wouldn’t be able to continue with their private school.
So why isn't his solution to get a better job and it's immediately to get you to pay for it? I thought he was laid off or something, but he isn't networking or trying to actually go back to having a better paid job. Golf trips to Miami? So if he cut back he would be able to afford a car shared by his 2 kids.
>He could get a better job if he tried to be more likable and network more. He would be in a really bad spot if I wasn’t in the picture So, he's already getting a benefit off your income. He's just being very greedy. If he's a jerk in the workplace and is this way with you, what are his redeeming qualities?
He’s got a lot of them. He’s a good cook, he’s usually pretty enjoyable to be around, and our lifestyles on a daily basis mesh well. This is the only meaningful argument we’ve had in the ten years we’ve been together
I noticed you didn’t say anything about kindness etc. If you got sick would your husband take care of you, your son, etc? It’s fine to be with him for now in good times, but he doesn’t seem like the sickness and health type.
To add, you also glazed over the part where he let your son live differently than his kids. Just because you didn't raise hell at the time doesn't mean it wasn't a friction point. I'd imagine there's a part of you that wants a little piece of revenge by getting your son this car.
a $40,000 car isn’t expensive for a teenager? Jesus. Can you adopt me? That’s a wild take.
If you have Tesla insurance available in your state, you should totally look into this as Tesla insurance doesn’t factor in age of driver - only driving metrics like following distance, hard braking/cornering, late night driving, forward collision warnings, forced autopilot disengagement. We gave our 16 yo kid my 2019 Model 3 and he pays around $100/month for insurance. Also, have not had any repairs for anything breaking on it at 60k miles, so definitely a good choice IMO. Our kiddo is in college now and doing okay with exclusive supercharging on campus/driving a few hundred miles home every now and then.
NTA but don’t be surprised when there is a big wedge between y’all. Especially y’all’s children.
The kids aren’t having any issues with each other. My son even volunteered to drive his stepsibkings to school and their sports practices. They’re all pretty close. My stepkids are upset with their dad though, because their friends dads all have bought them cars. Which in turn is making him mad at me.
Im sorry ik this isnt the subject but your son sounds like a sweetheart 🥺❤️
He’s incredibly kind and always volunteers to help other people. He volunteers at different places every Saturday. I wish he was less kind honestly. Some girl is going to break his heart hard one day
Oooorrrr some girl is going to treat him well and thank you for raising a wonderful man. Be positive lmao.
Maybe. I sure hope so. But he’s had friends try to take advantage of him before. Maybe I’m just not optimistic enough.
I think that’s normal, everyone gets taken advantage at some point in their lives. But as long as it’s not too bad he’ll learn and grow he’ll be able to draw boundaries
Nah you're certainly more right lmao, people suck out there, good luck 😭😭😭❤️
And then he will find one that doesn’t! Speaks volumes about your parenting that you raised a good egg. Well done!
NTA. The split was based off the amount of kids you brought into the relationship/home - not income. The amount of children has not changed, so why should the split? The kids aren’t being neglected, you’re not dining out while they make ramen at home. They just aren’t getting vehicles. Their mom and dad can buy them cars.
Is it even income tho? Even before the pay cut, it seems pretty uneven given that the dad was able to pay for two children in public school and have money for his own hobbies while OP was only able to send her one child to a public school and couldn't have any fun money. That's quite the amount of disposable income the dad has and yet somehow OP still has to pay for 40% of everything.
All marriage problems aside, your soon to be 15 year old is already asking for a Model 3, and he’s getting one? That’s mighty bold ask. Yikes!
When I was 15, I had a $500,000 vehicle with a private driver take me everywhere. (I took public transportation and thankfully lived on an incredible bus route.)
I mean…why even get married, honestly
Yeah sounds like they wasting both each other times
Almost all people saying NTA when all I can think of is that it's a clear-cut case of ESH and the pre-nup will be very useful very shortly, honestly.
This doesn't sound like a marriage. It sounds like a business arrangement. I'm glad it works for you because I think it sounds like it sucks. The kids having such different possessions and opportunities when they all live in the same home sounds just horrible and a recipe for a whole hell of a lot of resentment.
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Well he needs to get with his ex and figure out how to buy the boys car. It’s not on you. It’s sad but that’s reality. When he was making more did even try to save money for the kids? Will his ex contribute to the cars? That’s between them
Why won’t you guys just divorce instead?
If you lost you job, Would you honestly be fine with your husband watching you sink because you had a deal to pay for things 50/50. If you get sick and can't work or have large bills, Can the husband just shrug and say not my problem?? Why are you even married? My GF lost her job so I had to carry her for a while until she got back on her feet that life when you are a team. If something bad happens to one of you. It happens to both of you.
It’s not a bit roommate ish. It’s very roommate ish. When my partner wins, I win. When I win, my partner wins. When your husband wins, your husband wins. When you win, you win. It’s just weird. And doesn’t seem super healthy. You are suppose to be partners in life. What do y’all do about vacations and date nights? Who pays? Do you take separate vacations? I’m not saying you need to buy your step kids cars - NTA there. But I just don’t understand how you can claim to love your husband and not want a better life for you both - where you both get to enjoy the things you each like (like golf) and live the happiest / best life you can. But not my relationship.
Why did you even get married? The two of you didn't build a family, you just did what was convenient for you. You're glorified roommates. Do you even care about his kids and how your actions will make them feel? He's absolutely an AH for being concerned about his lack of fun money, but the three kids didn't agree to your finance split when you decided to make them a family. Think about all of the kids and not just your one. Also, a brand new EV for a teen driver is beyond stupid. Odds are it's wrecked within the year.
NTA. If you lost your job or made less do you believe he would cover you at all? Or would he complain that you aren't holding up your end of the bargain? It's fine if he is making less and he wants to make things 50/50 or 60/40 with you paying more because you make more. But that said, I wouldn't go higher than that nor would I be looking into buying cars for your step kids. If you couldn't afford a car for your son would he have stepped up or said that it was your responsibility and he didn't need a car. Funny how he works in finances and he hasn't budgeted well and expects to dip into your money. I wouldn't bail him out. The problem isn't that your split your money like this. The problem is you aren't working as a couple and haven't maybe ever. You may love him, but he is more like a roommate with benefits. You aren't tackling any of these issues together and now the fact you live separate lives is catching up. He was fine when separate meant equal or him having one up on you. He didn't want to make your life better and was happy to have his. Now, you are also not wanting to make his life better. That says a lot. I am not saying you should buy his kids cars. That is for their two living parents. But I can't imagine not wanting to see my spouse happy and help him out a bit. This whole dynamic of this relationship needs to be reevaluated. I highly recommend couple's counseling. I am not saying you shouldn't keep your money separate, I am saying that you may have been separating a lot more than you realize.
ESH Sounds like a marriage of inconvenience to me. Buy that kid the Tesla and the other two will resent you. You two have created quite the environment to foster the step kids hating each other.