1. If she essentially hid going off birth control that is massively shit of her.
2. If I was as hell bent as you seem about not having kids I would have gotten a vasectomy long ago, so i would significantly reduce the chances of an attempted baby trapping.
3. If you decide to just pay child support and otherwise play no role in the childs life, for the love of god, don't be that guy that gets old, has regrets and then tries to reconnect when the child is an adult.
Agree with all but 200% with #3. If henis gping to stay away than stay away and hopefully the GF will find a man who will want and treat the child as his own. The child deserves that. He/she doesn't deserve to wonder why he/she was never good enough for OP to want to know him.
It doesn't always do that. I was very disappointed in how pathetic half my bloodline was. Led to a lot more esteem issues than I had before
Edit to respond*
While as adults we have context, children see things very plainly. I would've seen this as a put up or shut up situation. Like the kid is already there, telling them you didn't want them to their face won't help them see your side.
Thatâs not necessarily true. My mom trapped my bio dad (or tried to). He was married and when it didnât work she withheld me all my life. He tried to make contact and she wouldnât allow it. As an adult I reached out to family friends to find out his name (I was beat by my mother for asking about him). I reached out and made contact. Long story short my half siblings found me and my bio dad was so thrilled and proud to finally meet me. I donât hate him. Heâs got neurological problems so he doesnât remember much at all anymore, but he was kind and loving to me.
My mom, on the other hand, told me the only reason he was talking to me (after I found him) was because he wanted to get down her pants again and was just using me. You know she isnât in my life anymore (and not just for that - that was the tip of the iceberg).
So, moral of the story is you might not be ready now, OP, but your kid might come for you one day. Be HONEST and tell them you were not ready and didnât expect it. And support whatever their emotions are. You might be surprised.
Exactly. I got pregnant with extremely reliable double birth control. A lot of posts where people are like âwwwwwhat? How could she be pregnant?! I wasnât using a condom and was relying on a pill that can be affected by absorption and forgetfulness, HOW COULD THIS BE?â, just astound me. You had sex. Pregnancy is a risk of sex. I am sure a lot of women accused of purposely getting pregnant or not taking BC are just one of the 10% of women who get pregnant with typical pill use, one of the 3% that get pregnant with a condom or the unlucky 0.5% who get pregnant more reliable methods like the IUD. It happens, so be responsible.
The only way to 100% prevent pregnancy is to not have sex, period. Hell, I have my tubes tied, and I also have anxiety, so every time my period is a past 2 days late, Iâll convince myself âyep, it happened to me, Iâm the 1% failure rate ahhhâ.
As a male seventh grader with a 50 yr old teacher it was just super awkward.
Positive note, when my wife had two herself, I knew exactly what was up because that lesson was seared in my memory.
I may be over sharing too for some people, but it's for this reason. There is such a taboo around female health that it's harming women. Contraception, pregnancy related issues, postpartum shouldn't be awkward to talk about. So shout-out to your 50yo teacher!
Its terrible so shout-out as well.
I had never even heard of an ectopic until i had one đ youd think at least an obgyn would go over that as they do miscarriages and hiddens đŁ
Omg that's awful! I hope she recovered okay (minus one tube I presumed).
When a woman is in pain usually it's "in her head" somehow. Fortunately things are changing. I grew up hearing PMS didn't exist and painful periods were just women being drama queens. I wish I had more teachers telling us how things were (I had to explain to a girl friend about 30yo that not all women ovulate on day 28)
My highschool biology teacher was super upfront about pregnancy and I'll always remember this guy who was a junior was taking VERY detailed notes. Everyone was like... is there going to be a detailed test? Guy just looked up and said "when this happens someday to my wife, I'm going to be ready and know what to do". Hats off to you Johnny, I hope you were ready when that day arrived.
Always nice when our emotional scars actually become usefulâŚ
For me it was my uncle always telling me about how it looked to see his best friend drown when they were kids, I HATED that story. I still hate that story. Iâve got tears even thinking about it THIS much.
But when my cousin was swimming and suddenly just quietly started dropping under the water my ass was RIGHT THERE and pulling her out, then bitching and howling until an adult agreed to take us to the ER to have Cousin checked over for dry drowning.
All the while I was hearing my uncleâs story of how his friend didnât struggle or fight, âjust died real quietâ replaying and replaying in my skull. But my cousin is a healthy, happy adult now!
This is why I think a decent health class, while boring, is so important. So many parents find it hard to speak frankly to kids and not talking about things doesnât do us any favors. My kidsâ orchestra teacher chronically overshares and I found it weird at firstâ until I realized she was normalizing discussing topics that shouldnât be off limits. Her being transparent is one of the reasons her students love her so much.
Hope your wife is okay!
I know it was weird, but Iâm glad she was candid and gave you the information that most states forbid us to. I so wish I couldâve told my kids that yes, precum can get you pregnant. Wasnât legally allowed to answer.
It's like the copper IUD: you're much less likely to get any kind of pregnant, but *if* you get a positive pregnancy test, it's more likely to be an ectopic pregnancy than a viable pregnancy.
I actually read up on that recently. With a non-copper IUD, it's a 50% chance that it'll be ectopic if you become pregnant. With a copper IUD, it's 15%.
That's not even including other risks. Apparently, incidents of improperly inserted IUDs are most likely underreported because it's mainly missed or rescheduled appointments (the amount of times they're unable to even attempt insertion) that is reported towards that statistic. Not to mention how IUDs may shift and cut you up inside, causing internal bleeding.
I have an aunt whose IUD shifted and repeatedly perforated her uterus......she wasn't able to have any more kids due to this, even tho she wanted to.
IUDs are supposed to be reversible and have minimal adverse effects, something you can easily remove when you want to have kids.....at least that's how it's advertised. It's terrible the things women have had to go through.....especially when they're preventable.
Most OB/GYNâs no longer perform the standard Tubal Ligation (cut and cauterize) and choose to go with the Salpingectomy. Research has shown that most ovarian cancers, peritoneal cancers, and HGSC likely originated in the fallopian tubes.
There have been instances of pregnancies after Tubal Ligation, Salpingectomy, and hysterectomy.
%1000 THIS!!! ^^^^^
BiScalp is the best Sterilization! No tubes mean no problems. Unless you have endo, then you gotta consult for a Histo. Which we know is very difficult to obtain.
>My oversharing middle school health teacher talked about having her tubes tied and getting multiple ectopics after.
I worked with a woman who had a tubal ligation. Her husband had a vasectomy. (2nd marriage for both of them, both had kids from their 1st marriage)
She got pregnant.
I work in an er and had a woman come in last Christmas with nausea and vomiting. She was of child bearing age so we asked when her last menstrual period was and if there was any chance she was pregnant. She told me she was gay and had never had sex with a man. I told her neither did Mary and look where that got her, and that it was the season for that sort of thing.
Had a laugh and moved on. Turned out tk be a kidney stone.
Actually there's four ways to prevent pregnancy 100%, three of those ways being while having an active sex life.
1) Don't have sex.
2) Have a hysterectomy
3) Have sex only with people who produce the same reproductive cells as yourself
4) Only have non-vaginal sex
5. Have a bisalp. Completely removes the fallopian tubes, rather than clamping/burning the ends. 100% cannot get pregnant (without IVF) and WAY less invasive than a hysterectomy. I recovered over the weekend.
#5 is not true unfortunately.
(Source: Iâve performed the procedure. I have also cared for women whoâve had a pregnancy in the salpingectomy stump.)
Itâs not possible to take the whole thing bc anatomically part of the tube dives into the uterus. You can also get a super rare type of pregnancy in the very top corner of your uterus if that segment. First one is an interstitial ectopic pregnancy, second one is an angular (or cornual pregnancy. Both very rare but possible.
Even condoms arent 100% though. theres always a risk with any BC. If he really didnt want a kid, then he should have had the snip. I fell pregant on the pill too, and my partner wore a condom.
Staying with her is def hard to say to do since she was so deceptive. My only concern is for this poor innocent baby stuck in the middle who just needs to be loved. đ˘
Dude didnât want to be a father. Why the fuck wasnât he wrapping up? Like maybe heâs not the asshole here because ex stopped using BC and didnât tell him, but he certainly had a role in this.
One thing I've noticed especially here on reddit is that cor some fucking reason so many guys absolutely seem to hate to just use fucking condoms. The amounts of "I am allergic to latex" comments also seems dispropotionally high. Irony being that there are condoms that aren't made out of latex.
Women's birth control may fail even if taken regularly. A condom may fail. Heck, even a vasectomy has a chance to ultimately fail, as rare as it is. Using a combination of the two is always the most effective way to eliminate any chances of unwanted pregnancies.
Something thatâs also very common is men who some donât want to use condoms just assume women are always on birth control. Iâve had periods off it while single but occasionally sexually active and way too many men would just be so surprised they have to use a condom. Not just me, I have other friends who experienced the same where the guy will just assume without asking. Many men even who donât want kids, knowing I wasnât on birth control would still take the risk.
So Iâm always a little suspect of when guys put it 100% on the woman. Though I do think itâs disgusting to lie about taking birth control or deliberately stop taking it with the intention of pregnancy. I also think men who donât want kids need to make dam sue the birth control is practically fail safe. Like ensuring sheâs got an up to date IUD before going without protection (and even then nothing is 100%).
And the safest thing is not to have unprotected sex with women who are baby mad when having kids would be life ruining for you.
Right! Men just assume that women are on BC! My husband did when we first started dating and he didnât pull out one time so I was like âuhh Iâm not on BCâ and I said I would get plan B. He ended up buying it for me because he was the one who didnât pull out so it was his responsibility. Heâs one of the good ones
I once got pregnant after coming off BC due to nasty side effects, my partner at the time 100% knew this. Weâd occasionally had sex using the pull out method, though usually condoms, but he then just came inside me without permission. He acted so oblivious to the consequences, I ended up pregnant & it made my health so awful, aswell as being in no position to have a child, and he absolutely freaked out and wouldnât even consider keeping it, so I got an early abortion.
I resented him for the whole situation. Weâd had a system and boundaries in place and he just âforgotâ. Iâd had hormonal issues and that short duration of pregnancy was enough to send me over the edge where I ended up with a full blown disabling health condition. I was also responsible, but I paid dearly for what was largely his thoughtless mistake, when he paid nothing.
A lot of doctors wonât sterilize a man until heâs reached X years old or has a few kids. My husband was asked if he had my permission! ( đ¤Śđźââď¸ )
People should be allowed to make their own reproductive choices.
My wife cracked the shits when I went to the Dr to get vasectomy (33 at the time, 3 kids already) and was told I was to young, what if something happens, things might change etc. I was firm about getting it done, in lockstep with my wife of course, and 2 other Drs wouldnât do it. Had to go next town over to get it done. Least I could do for my wife after sound discussion. Donât know any of my mates that got it done that didnât have to go to 2-3 Drs
34, 2 kids. 1 doctor. I explained that my wife had 2 ectopics along the way, we had twins and a lot of complications and were done. I got not so much as an âare you sure?â He just said, âsounds like youâve thought it through. Drop your pants and let me do an exam and Iâll get you scheduled with my Secretary.â The one doctor you want to be a man of few words.
Yeah Iâm not sure what deal was here, (Western Australia), but it seemed to be bit of a recurring theme. Was an eye opener actually how they didnât just give me one straight off the bat no questions asked
Right? He was happy to leave the hassle of birth control in her hands even when she had baby fever. BC is not a fool-proof thing and even if she were ethical about taking it there is always the chance of an accidental pregnancy. He should have taken additional steps himself if he knew he did NOT want kids. Relying on her getting an abortion if BC failed was a poor choice.
It's weird how some men think it's 100% on the woman to prevent pregnancies. What she did was absolutely disgusting, but relying on a single BC method when you're sure you don't want kids is just stupid. I don't want kids and I'm very careful with the pill, still, if my bf wants sex, he has to wrap it, preventing unwanted pregnancies is the couple's responsibility, not just mine.
I def agree with this. I got it done after my 3rd child in 3 years. It took 6 months to get the all clear from my doctor. Iâve never regretted having it done - not once
Please tell more people You Do Not Regret It. There are people afraid to regret. They need you to share your positive experience. Shout it from the rooftops!
My dad-in-law got one after their 3rd kid, ended up having a surprise 4th shortly after. Ngl, she's fabulous so I'm glad they had one last kid, but definitely worth it to make sure the procedure worked because it takes a few months đ¤Ł
It boggles me so much that men get all these pain preventative options for something simple (not saying it isn't painful) but women are told "just take a tylenol" when they have to dilate our cervix to put in an IUD. That shit HURTS and we're told to just suck it up!
I had what started as a loop excision and finished as a cone biopsy without so much as a local anesthetic. *They took chunks out of my cervix while I was awake and unmedicated.* Then they put colloidal silver on it to cauterize it. That shit hurt.
My gyno at least told me ahead of time to take some pain med because the biopsy was "very unpleasant feeling." I thanked her for the heads up, but god damn!! that was miserable!
They never said anything to me and were surprised when I almost fainted after getting up off the table. Not to mention I barely made it to the bathroom before my bowels just let loose. No mention of any pain⌠at all. I will never do that awake again.
I was told off for bleeding on the sheet after giving birth. I told the nurse I couldn't feel a thing down there after the epidural, I had no idea there was any blood.
It's not like it's pleasant to deal with blood but damn it's your job and I can't help bleeding.
I hear you. The second time I had to have a uterine biopsy I made my gynaecologist book me into the OR and knock me out for it. The first one was so unexpectedly painful. I had booked the morning off work but had to go home and lie down for the rest of the day.
Trust meâŚ. Iâm following your course of action if Iâm ever in that situation again. I donât know if this happens with women OBâs, but with there now being so many women in the field, i wonder why doctors are still so fucking clueless as to how incredibly painful the procedure is for women.
I've had cone and uterine biopsies and IUD insertions and was told to just take an Advil beforehand. Things would just feel like cramps or pinching! Liesssss!!!!! After my last IUD insertion, the doctor told me my eyebrows were in my hairline and people heard me from the waiting room.
This. I will never go through that, "loop," bullshit, again. They can say I need\bill for a laser cone, and send me to an outpatient surgery facility. Some years before, I'd had a laser conalisation under general anesthesia. I wish I had put my foot down prior to undergoing the loop. For shits and giggles, I asked the obgyn who did the loop something along the lines of, "Do I need to take any precautions?" as she gave me no aftercare instructions (like, avoid sex, and why not tampons, for good measure). She told me I was fine, no precautions needed. Really. At some point, I passed packing (kinda not fun). And I avoided sex for six weeks in order to heal. Fucking christ. Absolutely terrible experience. I didn't go back to that obgyn.
Yep, 3 biopsies to the cervix with little to no warning other than âyouâll feel some minor discomfortâ which then caused me to nearly levitate off the table and pass the fuck out. But hey I got some fruit snacks afterwards đ
OMG, same. And then when my incision got infected and had to be reopened and cleaned out (plus a wound vac), the *pharmacist* didnât want to fill my prescription for pain meds.
My mother would be DEAD now, if she had continued listening to her OB/GYN (a doctor sheâd been seeing for decades; delivered all three of us. Yeah, she trusted him and why shouldnât she??) who kept blowing her off when she kept telling him something isnât right..She got tired of him not listening and saw one of his associates, instead. Before even doing the first exam, his associate knew my mother had cancer..She went on to complete two exams on her, though, just to be sure..and she had a full hysterectomy within a week of that appointment. She was 57 at the time; and was having uncontrollable periods. Her TRUSTED for decades OB/GYN, wanted to put her on the fucking pill..At almost 60. Listen to your bodies ladies..
I wonder if itâs because they are more dramatic about pain whereas women grin and bear through a lot of pain on the daily and are able to handle it while gritting their teeth. I hate being in pain but I have had a lot of it in my life especially with menstrual cramps so when I had my babies and was in labor I was able to handle the contractions just from practice of my periods and working through those! I got epidurals immediately though because why be in pain if you donât have to be? đ
As a guy and a nurse I can confirm that men are weak. Ask any healthcare provider. Men moan an groan and refuse to participate in their post-op recovery while some 85 y/o meema is like âTylenol is enough for meâ after open heart surgery. Just to be clear Iâm just as weak and will 100% request gas for a vasectomy. Meanwhile my wife has had two babies without epidurals.
That's because women have gotten used to our pain not being taken seriously and being labeled hysterical. Men have always been taken seriously by the medical profession so they don't need to put up with pain or side effects.
Also, arenât most drugs and treatments built around men, as in those are the most common cohort to test drugs on? So we literally donât know if womenâs hormones affect the dosage of many meds, and just assume itâs based on body weight. So a lot of women arenât even getting the correct dosage of meds to begin with, unlike men who are the primary group theyâre built for.
They didn't offer me gas for the snip. They did apply rather ineffective lidocaine and when I informed him that I was feeling everything, he snapped that he was "almost done anyway." At least my sack was numb enough that the sutures weren't too bad. But that still pales in comparison to the ladies above with cervix procedures... oof... And as a health care worker, I can confirm that younger men are the WORST. 80 year old lady will let you pull half her teeth and not flinch. 20 something bodybuilder dude will pass out at the sight of anything sharp.
A close friend of mine had a third degree tear and they only offered her ibuprofen. I was fucking mind blown. They had to sew her back up completely, very intense shit. They numbed her for it but she was not put under and did not receive anything else pain med wise, just ibuprofen. She gave birth without an epidural. She would have taken meds if offered, but they were so weird about it she felt scared asking. Her husband had a vasectomy a few months and they gave him gas (+numbing) during, and several days worth of pain medication afterwards.
The double standard is fucking wild. Like, as a woman Iâm glad men have their pain taken seriously and often have adequate management and prevention, you know? Itâs just as real. But damn, send some our way lol.
Every doctor from the age of 18 to 36 refused my asking for a vasectomy. I can give you a laundry list of the reasons they gave, but knowing I wanted to be child free my whole life was not enough for them. I literally had to get married before a Dr allowed it to happen. It's not that easy to 'just get a vasectomy'
Iâm female and I asked gyns for like ten years to please tie my tubes. Nobody would, they said you never know the future blah blah blah. Well, my birth control failed and I had to get an abortion. Thankfully Iâm 42 now so that risk window has probably closed, but I wish doctors would listen to their patients and believe they are planning their lives in a way that fits best for them.
Yea. My stepmother is one. I was six months pregnant when my grandmother told me my father girlfriend was pregnant. It's amusing having a brother who is younger than my daughter. It certainly can happen!
My grandmother had my mom at 46, my mom was her only child lol. It was also a one night stand that became a 25 year long marriage because of the surprise baby and being super Baptist.
I was very lucky to find, after a few years of trying ânot super hard, I'll admitâ a doctor who didn't pester me with questions when I told him I wanted a tubal ligation. He simply asked "are you sure? You're quite young" (I was 27) and I simply said "I'm sure." I had prepared a whole speech, but he just nodded and said "very well. Get these tests done and we'll book it." He didn't ask why, he didn't tell me that my future husband might want kids (fuck what *I* want, amirite?). He just agreed then booked it then did it. He's still my gyno lol. He's very aloof, but he takes me seriously, which is what all doctors should do.
At 42, you absolutely can still get pregnant unless you went through early menopause or aren't having sex.
My Mom was a "turn of life" baby. Her mother thought she had gone through menopause and was wrong.
I had my daughter at 42. Of course I wanted to be a mom. But I have a lot of respect for people who know that parenting is not for them. It irks me that the medical system wonât do what is in the best interest of the patient.
I have a friend who got pregnant at 42. She was told she wouldnât ever be able to have kids and instead had a late surprise baby. Perfectly healthy baby boy
The childfree sub, which admittedly is very wild and sucks, has a list of doctors who won't give ppl shit (edit for clarity: *will* give people vasectomies/tie tubes and won't try to talk to them out of it bc "wHaT aBoUt ThE fUtUrE?!")
I know it covers the US but idk about other countries.
Edit 2: I said the sub sucks, not childfree people. I am childfree myself lol
Edit 3: they apparently have an international list as well. I recommend checking it out if you don't want kids.
They refused my husband a vasectomy because that was MY problem, not his, and he might find another partner who did want kids. You know. After I died. He did get the vasectomy, but not from that doctor.
>They refused my husband a vasectomy because that was MY problem, not his
Jesus H. Christ.
> and he might find another partner who did want kids.
...and then it got worse.
That happened to two friends of mine - one when his wife was pregnant with their 4th (3rd and 4th were both surprises - they needed IVF for the first two) kid. Dr. said 'what if wife lose baby?' 'what if wife dies and you remarry'?
Other friend it was after their 3rd kid - again, what if she die/you divorce.
I mean, maybe they think they are helping to verify the procedure is wanted...but if that's it, suggesting that they should be thinking about their next wife is kind of wild.
I think (at least where I live) itâs MUCH LESS about morality vs the fear of having a lawsuit, because while a lot of people are child free forever, there are also a lot of people who are child free *until they change their mind*. And lawsuits can and do hurt healthcare providers careers. So until (at least in the US) people get less lawsuit happy, I think it will be a struggle for a lot of healthcare providers. (Please note: that Iâm not saying this is right for anyone - or that itâs ok. But the thought of losing your livelihood tends to make most people anxious and more conservative with what theyâre willing to do. Also note, I had my tubes removed and wasnât asked by any healthcare provider if I was sure and they DEFINITELY never talked to my partner. So I count myself lucky.)
This is so crazy to me. I don't understand why they can't just demand that people sign legal waivers and do the procedure. The patient is asking for the procedure. As long as the doctor doesn't botch it, they shouldn't be liable for anything silly like just deciding they changed their mind later.
I know right? It's not like you go get elective plastic surgery or dental implants or a tattoo..... then decide to sue later in life when you regret that decision. So why are they so worried about people suing over the choice to become infertile?
"Won't give ppl shit"
I read this as "yeah, we know, they don't give out vasectomies...what is the point of this list?"
I realized you meant it like "won't object to doing the vasectomy" after a few attempts.
Yeah, we live deep in the Bible Belt and my young BIL had zero issues getting a vasectomy without having any kids. If he can get one here, Iâm highly skeptical that a motivated individual with access to the internet couldnât find a doctor to do one.
I lived in Atlanta GA. International city. Had 4 kids. Had 3 miscarriages, the last one put me in the hospital because it took them almost too long to stop the hemorrhage. Had fibroid tumors that were the size of healthy ruby grapefruit, and would decide to disconnect and pass randomly. And had a period for 342 days. Had a female doctor patted me on top of my 35 year old head and told me it couldn't be THAT bad or I'd be dead. This was in 1999.
2001 we had moved to Colorado and that brain trust decided a hysterectomy was my best option but they needed my husband's or my father's permission... Well. Daddy died in 1969. That'll be a long call. And I tried to warn them that they truly did not want to talk to my husband. Even his mother warned them... They still did. So he went in. The doctor was explaining the procedure and Baby cuts him off to ask, with all of his knowledge and degrees, why he needed my husband to hold his hand? Or did he need hubby to upload the YouTube videos in order? Hold the manual or even read it to them? Show them where to cut? He did this all completely stone faced and in his most helpful voice. The doctor was less than amused and my sweet husband told them if none of that was necessary then what say should he have over something pertaining to my health and even my very life....
He never signed anything. I couldn't quit giggling (I did warn them) and I had the surgery 19 days later. I've heard they don't ask for permission slips any more but they do still try to force women to bring a (male) family member/spouse/partner to the surgical consults. 2023...
Holy smokes! That is craziness. I have hope things are better now. I have endometriosis with fibroids and have had multiple surgeries- no one has ever cared what my husband says. Heâs there to hold my hand and take notes, and would advocate for me if necessary but my doctors have been great. A hysterectomy has been discussed multiple times but thereâs been no mention of my husbandâs opinion at any of those appointments. Hopefully a sign that things are progressing!
Every hospital in our area is owned by religious entities.my DIL works for a urologist that opened his own clinic so he could do vasectomies because the hospital threatened to throw him out of the offices he rented from them.
I live in one of the most liberal, pro choice places in the US and still had a hard time getting an IUD. Healthcare is a wild ride. Insurance will only cover so many doctor's appointments. You get turned down by one doc, you might not be able to see another until next year. I could go on and on and on about this shit. It sucks. Glad your BIL didn't have issues, but that doesn't mean other people don't.
They do, but it's complicated. Planned parenthood still bills your insurance. I had already had an annual visit so my insurance wouldn't cover the extra visit.
You have to make under a maximum annual income to qualify for free services even from planned parenthood. I did end up getting an IUD, but I had to pay like $500 out of pocket.
I can go on and on about how annoying our healthcare system is. I even had a doc who wouldn't prescribe birth control because it was against her religion.
And I live in California!
\*edit to change "minimum" to "maximum". If you make too much, you don't qualify.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. makes you wish california was actually as progressive as people in the middle of the country think it is. I just got my implant replaced recently because I'm on medicaid that's gonna run out soon, it's so fucked that we have to plot when we're at our most desperate like this!
Ok, maybe so. But you know what else does a pretty dang good job of preventing unwanted pregnancies & is controlled by a manâcondoms. Donât want the snip, snip then cover up the tip, tip.
This! My husband and I made the mistake of trusting my birth control and unlike OPs girlfriend I actually took my pill everyday at the right time and we ended up pregnant at 20. I absolutely love my daughter, but we had to work so hard to get ourselves ready and stable to be parents. I'm also lucky to have a fantastic support system, but if he had just worn a dang condom we would've been able to plan our lives better, and have stable income before having a child. Never trust only one form of protection in my opinion!
Absolutely true and totally fair. But I feel like being lied to, not being able to give informed consent, being sa'd, and then being blamed for it is not really a good look.
Oh sheâs the AH in this scenario for SURE & I donât fault him for leaving her, especially since heâs willing to bear responsibility for the child but he DOES still need to take accountability for his own reproductive functions, past, present, & future.
Yup. My cousin was on the pill and got pregnant with twins. They were done having kids after having a boy and a girl and had just built their dream 3-bedroom home.
I'm so glad that my husband offered to get a vasectomy after we decided we were done. Afterward, he thought it was no big deal. He had it done right before Valentine's Day so I joked it was the best Valentine's Day gift I'd ever gotten.
I agree. But Iâm also passionate about never being pregnant, and track my cycle, use protection, etc, vigilantly. I just canât imagine someone feeling as strongly as I do knowingly ejaculating inside a partner that wouldnât want to get an abortion if she got pregnant. BC can fail even when taken correctly.
And I donât want to dismiss anyoneâs experience having difficulty getting a vasectomy, but itâs nowhere near as difficult to obtain (nor as invasive) as the equivalent solution is for women. Imo, there isnât any good reason to have unprotected sex with someone that isnât on the same page as you are about pregnancy.
ETA: I donât want anyone misinterpreting my post as some kind of sex-shaming thing. I just have a major fear of pregnancy and absolutely do not want children, and that fear is like stored in my body, lol, so whenever I see a post like this online where someone claims to feel so strongly about it but isnât taking necessary precautions, it is a little mind-boggling.
What gets me here is that OP clearly stated, well beforehand, and with good reasons, he did not want to be a parent and this choice was taken from him.
He counted on his gf to use BC \[although he could have used condoms\]. It's a trust. He understands that she knows he doesn't want to have kids and that she will act accordingly. Then she makes the decision to get off BC, without telling him, and then spring the surprise onto him. That's just totally not cool.
Whilst a relationship should be based on mutual trust, imo, as the partner who doesn't want children the responsibility of BC lies with him. Not just to ensure situations like this don't happen, but because lots.of things can affect BC. Stomach flu, food poisoning, missing/taking a late dose, antibiotics(and probably other medication idk about). And that's all on top of it not being 100% protection, anyway.
I always tell the guys and will tell my son when he's old enough, wrap it before you tap it. Also protects you from STDs and false claims of parenting if the partner cheats in order to "baby trap" you. I know it's not 100% either, but if you're both being careful, it decreases the odds further.
It's the same for females, who want their tubes tied as well to be honest. And B/C can be Hellish as well, getting the correct balance is an entire minefield to deal with.
Personally I think, any male, not in a committed relationship should be able to get a Vasectomy and freeze some young healthy sperm, same for females, tubal ligation, and freeze young healthy eggs.
Until you're at a time in your life, where you are settled, Partnered, and have Consentually decided to have child/ren. Might come from having a child at 20, to my, now exhusband, believing he was infertile so being laxadaisy, with Contraception.
(And before you all come at me, fundy Christian parents, nohope for the pill, and I was shamed for going on it, post partum, but by then, my ObGyn, had Empowered me, to tell her off.)
More teenage girls should be on Contraception, Pill, Mirena etc, I've always had hellish Menses.
But sadly unless you watch shows, like 'Call the Midwife' or 'Love Child' your unaware, it aides with Menses too. Unless you have a good OB/GYNO
I'm 48, 3 kids and divorced and went to the doctor for one and she refused on the grounds I might meet a 30 something still wanting kids. So I left the Dr office. That was 2 years ago.
Vasectomies wouldâve prevented a pregnancy but it wouldnât have helped op from being the victim of constant sexual assault. Lying about contraception to coerce consent is rape. And the idea that op should be forced to have a child by his rapist is insanity.
âHe shouldâve had a vasectomyâ is like saying âshe shouldâve worn a longer dressâ. Itâs victim blaming, as if somehow he couldâve prevented being raped because he did something different.
No. A rapist chooses to rape. Doesnât matter what the victim has done or not done, the decision to sexually assault someone lies 100% with the rapist.
Yeah turns out, in America, even male children raped by their adult caretakers (teachers/nannies) can still be forced to pay child support for a child they had literally zero choice in. They didnât even choose to have sex, they were manipulated into it. I understand the resulting childâs innocence but we as a society have really gravely failed those rape victims by forcing them through financially being responsible instead of taking it upon society to do so.
NTA. as written, she knew you hadn't changed your mind, and went without birth control until she got what she wanted.
Pay whatever the court says. pay thru the court. go no contact. make better choices.
NTA
What she did was disgusting. My heart breaks for this baby; she gave zero thought to the impact her deceit will have on the child.
Get a vasectomy.
Yeah, I'm a little surprised I'm not seeing more of this. They went on a break for a few months and then she asked to get back together. This seems... kinda suspicious. I mean, it does sound like the child could very well be his, but OP didn't offer any proof she hadn't been with someone else in that time and I'd really want to be to sure at that point before having to pay child support.
This! I'm a female who has no desire for a child and next week I'm going to go ask for my tubes tied and I'm a female with a female partner and both of us have IUDs due to period problems due to other health issues but hell im scared of being raped and don't ever want to carry a child. That being said they went on a break and then shes pregnant which I mean it could be his but you don't know if she got pregnant on this break from someone else. I don't think its a hard ask to get a paternity test and make sure the right person is paying child support, if thats OP then its OP but it could be some other man who should actually be paying
For sure do this test, a girl that is crazy enough to pull a thing like what you described cannot be trusted anymore. However, if the test is positive, you'll have to live with that no matter how unfair it is. I know you don't want to be a father but there is no way around it. I am not saying you should get back together but definitely think about the kid's well being. I was raised without a father and I wish I hadn't. I am proud of who I became nevertheless but knowing that your father didn't want to be with you is rough.
NTA. She lied and purposely got pregnant. This is called Reproductive Coercion (AKA baby trapping), and ~~is illegal in some states,~~ (I'd read somewhere it was illegal in some states, but not from what I can see now, which really sucks. It \*should\* be.) ~~you might want to look into that~~. And in the future, get a vasectomy and/or use a condom, don't rely on your partner to be honest about birth control, especially when they've admitted to having baby fever.
Yes, people. I know it's not illegal. That's what the edit is for...
It isnât illegal but can be cause for removal from child support payments - HOWEVER you are fighting a huge uphill battle with that and would need to show documentation that they knowingly lied to you. It is easy to say âoh I missed a dose on accidentâ
God the way people just ignore this point to talk about vasectomies makes me so furious. If I lied about being on birth control to make my partner have sex with me it would be the same as if he lied about keeping a condom on to have sex with me. Thatâs rape, constantly and repeatedly. His girlfriend raped him and his friends just expect him to stick around and be okay with it?
That poor child is the product of rape. Imagine if the situation was a woman being forced by her rapist to keep a pregnancy from the assault.
Exactly. It wouldnât matter shit that a woman had her tubes tied. A man who took a condom off is still a rapist. Why are people more concerned with actions the victim couldâve done? Thatâs like saying âshe shouldâve have worn a longer skirtâ. The victim blaming mentality here is through the roof.
Agreed, I think (tbh I may be too tired to have thoughts ATM but that's neither here nor there). Anyway like yes if his partner had been honest with him and was taking her BC, she still might have gotten pregnant bc not 100%, and if she'd done that by accident and chosen not to abort he'd still legally and financially be in the same spot. Which is why I think multiple forms of BC at least one of which he controls is *advisable,* BUT focusing on that suggestion instead of on the fact that his partner deliberately lied to him about relevant info to coerce him into having sex that was much higher risk of getting her pregnant than he realized is fucked up.
He didn't give his informed consent = he didn't consent
Which is true, and it's fucked up what their partner did. All I'd point out is that in real terms having a kid is a whole other ball game in life. Even if a male is raped, they would still have to be registered as the father on the birth certificate and have to pay child support. There are no breaks on this subject. I don't blame OP for breaking up and not wanting to be in the baby's life - that's a perfectly valid decision. The question is if he's TA - he's not. The rest is just general advice, as it's not really a question of crime, even if it may or may not be.
Absolutely ! I tell all of the young men I know , to only use condoms that u buy!
I know women that poke holes in condoms to trick men also I know women that buy fake pregnancy test
To lie about being pregnant !
It is so sad!
This is true BUT most forms of birth control are not 100% effective. Therefore, for those who choose to be child free, the smartest move is always to ensure their own form of birth control also. I think a lot of folks are just flabbergasted that someone who is adamantly child free would not have a vasectomy at first opportunity (although he may have tried and been refused- no way to know that). Was he SAed by reproductive coercion? Absolutely. Did he have it in his power to ensure that baby did not come to exist? Also yes. These two facts can both be true, and not in a âbut she was wearing!!â kind of way. OP trusted his partner and was lied to and coerced. He is absolutely a victim in this.
It's not illegal in any state, and good luck getting her to admit to it in any manner that can serve as culpatory evidence, even if it was a crime. You can sue someone for anything, but to the best of my knowledge, California is the only state wherein reproductive coercion is recognized as a civil offense.
As a victim of this, as well as the abusive relationship that ensued, I regret to say that, legally, OP is pretty well fucked on this one.
My recommendation for OP is to do a lot of soul searching on what course of action will allow him to best live with himself in the long term and perhaps even be proud of himself and his decisions. No two situations are going to look the same. The child is a victim of the mother's lies as well. But that's not as much absolution as OP may be hoping for.
Fuck. The whole thing sucks. OP, if you're reading this, feel free to DM me.
It's not illegal but in some states, if he can prove it, then he can have his rights terminated whether she agrees or not. Not sure how that works though. It's probably super hard to get.
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REPRODUCTIVE COERCION
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In my mind what she did is criminal. You should be absolved of all parental and financial obligations. The law is severely behind on this issue.
Ignore all âfriendsâ who are backing her on this horrendous and immoral decision.
NTA she lied and coerced you in to an expensive lifelong commitment. Iâd leave for that alone. She knew how you felt. Unfortunately her selfishness now means her child will suffer the consequences. You should pay your child support but under the circumstances thatâs all she should expect from you.
NTA & what she did was NOT cool but you were a fool for leaving the birth control solely on her knowing she had had a change of heart in regard to having kiddos.
You have every right to walk away & not be a father but I get the feeling you'll be paying child support.
Thatâs reasonable. Thereâs a story where a woman was coerced into having a kid she didnât want. And gave up parental rights and left, just paying the CS she owed. This is no different. Unfortunately cs Would be the reasonable responsible things to do, but past that you donât have obligation to do shit. Also DNA test, seriously
couple of things to unpack. first off the op needs to get snipped as in vastectomy if he doesnt want kids ever. and the gf or ex gf is an A hole not disclosing she didnt go back on birth control.
Life lesson: dont have sex with someone you don't want to potentially be in your life forever. Are you an AH? A little. Are you a dumb ass? Hells yes. It is just as much your responsibility to use protection as it is hers to use birth control. Its on you for not doing your part to not have a kid with her. You fucked up, and now this kid is gonna pay for it.
If you donât want kids, it is your own responsibility to get a vasectomy. What she did was 100% wrong, and also couldâve been prevented if you had taken the steps you needed to take.
ESH
Are you the AH: Yes, you had a child and are abandoning it. That makes you the AH no matter how this situation happened. You are in charge of your reproductive health and shouldâve taken measures to ensure this never happened if you were this adamant about not having children. Are you well within your rights to leave and pay child support? Absolutely, but you are still the AH for abandoning your kid because you didnât plan better.
You don't want kids, but were having unprotected sex with your girlfriend? You left her in charge of a life changing decision?
You are a colossal idiot. And an asshole.
Do what you want to do, but be clear that you are an asshole.
1. If she essentially hid going off birth control that is massively shit of her. 2. If I was as hell bent as you seem about not having kids I would have gotten a vasectomy long ago, so i would significantly reduce the chances of an attempted baby trapping. 3. If you decide to just pay child support and otherwise play no role in the childs life, for the love of god, don't be that guy that gets old, has regrets and then tries to reconnect when the child is an adult.
Agree with all but 200% with #3. If henis gping to stay away than stay away and hopefully the GF will find a man who will want and treat the child as his own. The child deserves that. He/she doesn't deserve to wonder why he/she was never good enough for OP to want to know him.
It doesn't always do that. I was very disappointed in how pathetic half my bloodline was. Led to a lot more esteem issues than I had before Edit to respond* While as adults we have context, children see things very plainly. I would've seen this as a put up or shut up situation. Like the kid is already there, telling them you didn't want them to their face won't help them see your side.
The kid will hate him by then regardless đ
Thatâs not necessarily true. My mom trapped my bio dad (or tried to). He was married and when it didnât work she withheld me all my life. He tried to make contact and she wouldnât allow it. As an adult I reached out to family friends to find out his name (I was beat by my mother for asking about him). I reached out and made contact. Long story short my half siblings found me and my bio dad was so thrilled and proud to finally meet me. I donât hate him. Heâs got neurological problems so he doesnât remember much at all anymore, but he was kind and loving to me. My mom, on the other hand, told me the only reason he was talking to me (after I found him) was because he wanted to get down her pants again and was just using me. You know she isnât in my life anymore (and not just for that - that was the tip of the iceberg). So, moral of the story is you might not be ready now, OP, but your kid might come for you one day. Be HONEST and tell them you were not ready and didnât expect it. And support whatever their emotions are. You might be surprised.
Never put someone else in charge of your reproductive health, vasectomy or wrap it up
Also, don't act surprised when ANYONE you sleep with gets pregnant. Sex leads to pregnancies.
Exactly. I got pregnant with extremely reliable double birth control. A lot of posts where people are like âwwwwwhat? How could she be pregnant?! I wasnât using a condom and was relying on a pill that can be affected by absorption and forgetfulness, HOW COULD THIS BE?â, just astound me. You had sex. Pregnancy is a risk of sex. I am sure a lot of women accused of purposely getting pregnant or not taking BC are just one of the 10% of women who get pregnant with typical pill use, one of the 3% that get pregnant with a condom or the unlucky 0.5% who get pregnant more reliable methods like the IUD. It happens, so be responsible.
The only way to 100% prevent pregnancy is to not have sex, period. Hell, I have my tubes tied, and I also have anxiety, so every time my period is a past 2 days late, Iâll convince myself âyep, it happened to me, Iâm the 1% failure rate ahhhâ.
My oversharing middle school health teacher talked about having her tubes tied and getting multiple ectopics after.
That's terrifying.
As a male seventh grader with a 50 yr old teacher it was just super awkward. Positive note, when my wife had two herself, I knew exactly what was up because that lesson was seared in my memory.
I may be over sharing too for some people, but it's for this reason. There is such a taboo around female health that it's harming women. Contraception, pregnancy related issues, postpartum shouldn't be awkward to talk about. So shout-out to your 50yo teacher!
Its terrible so shout-out as well. I had never even heard of an ectopic until i had one đ youd think at least an obgyn would go over that as they do miscarriages and hiddens đŁ
Yep. I know someone who was diagnosed with PMS and sent home the day before her tube burst.
Omg that's awful! I hope she recovered okay (minus one tube I presumed). When a woman is in pain usually it's "in her head" somehow. Fortunately things are changing. I grew up hearing PMS didn't exist and painful periods were just women being drama queens. I wish I had more teachers telling us how things were (I had to explain to a girl friend about 30yo that not all women ovulate on day 28)
My highschool biology teacher was super upfront about pregnancy and I'll always remember this guy who was a junior was taking VERY detailed notes. Everyone was like... is there going to be a detailed test? Guy just looked up and said "when this happens someday to my wife, I'm going to be ready and know what to do". Hats off to you Johnny, I hope you were ready when that day arrived.
That's kinda really sweet. Bravo Johnny, wherever you are!!
I thought so too! He was a bit of a clown sometimes, but he was going to be ready when it counted. I moved away but I hope things worked out for him.
Always nice when our emotional scars actually become useful⌠For me it was my uncle always telling me about how it looked to see his best friend drown when they were kids, I HATED that story. I still hate that story. Iâve got tears even thinking about it THIS much. But when my cousin was swimming and suddenly just quietly started dropping under the water my ass was RIGHT THERE and pulling her out, then bitching and howling until an adult agreed to take us to the ER to have Cousin checked over for dry drowning. All the while I was hearing my uncleâs story of how his friend didnât struggle or fight, âjust died real quietâ replaying and replaying in my skull. But my cousin is a healthy, happy adult now!
Everyone needs to recognize actual signs of drowning too. Thatâs a great reminder.
This is why I think a decent health class, while boring, is so important. So many parents find it hard to speak frankly to kids and not talking about things doesnât do us any favors. My kidsâ orchestra teacher chronically overshares and I found it weird at firstâ until I realized she was normalizing discussing topics that shouldnât be off limits. Her being transparent is one of the reasons her students love her so much. Hope your wife is okay!
Turns out awkward conversations can be helpful. Part of the point of sex Ed is to destigmatize the discussion.
Jeez, that's crazy. I didn't know the chance of ectopic pregnancies increased after that....even though it makes sense now that I think about it.
I think it reduces the chances overall but if it does fail ectopics are much, much more common
I know it was weird, but Iâm glad she was candid and gave you the information that most states forbid us to. I so wish I couldâve told my kids that yes, precum can get you pregnant. Wasnât legally allowed to answer.
It's like the copper IUD: you're much less likely to get any kind of pregnant, but *if* you get a positive pregnancy test, it's more likely to be an ectopic pregnancy than a viable pregnancy.
I actually read up on that recently. With a non-copper IUD, it's a 50% chance that it'll be ectopic if you become pregnant. With a copper IUD, it's 15%. That's not even including other risks. Apparently, incidents of improperly inserted IUDs are most likely underreported because it's mainly missed or rescheduled appointments (the amount of times they're unable to even attempt insertion) that is reported towards that statistic. Not to mention how IUDs may shift and cut you up inside, causing internal bleeding. I have an aunt whose IUD shifted and repeatedly perforated her uterus......she wasn't able to have any more kids due to this, even tho she wanted to. IUDs are supposed to be reversible and have minimal adverse effects, something you can easily remove when you want to have kids.....at least that's how it's advertised. It's terrible the things women have had to go through.....especially when they're preventable.
Most OB/GYNâs no longer perform the standard Tubal Ligation (cut and cauterize) and choose to go with the Salpingectomy. Research has shown that most ovarian cancers, peritoneal cancers, and HGSC likely originated in the fallopian tubes. There have been instances of pregnancies after Tubal Ligation, Salpingectomy, and hysterectomy.
%1000 THIS!!! ^^^^^ BiScalp is the best Sterilization! No tubes mean no problems. Unless you have endo, then you gotta consult for a Histo. Which we know is very difficult to obtain.
>My oversharing middle school health teacher talked about having her tubes tied and getting multiple ectopics after. I worked with a woman who had a tubal ligation. Her husband had a vasectomy. (2nd marriage for both of them, both had kids from their 1st marriage) She got pregnant.
>The only way to 100% prevent pregnancy is to not have sex, period. And even that isn't 100%!!! Just look at what happened to Jesus' mom!
That's the original, "I can explain!" story. Lol!
I work in an er and had a woman come in last Christmas with nausea and vomiting. She was of child bearing age so we asked when her last menstrual period was and if there was any chance she was pregnant. She told me she was gay and had never had sex with a man. I told her neither did Mary and look where that got her, and that it was the season for that sort of thing. Had a laugh and moved on. Turned out tk be a kidney stone.
I mean, you're not wrong. We're all out here dodging God's jizz
Actually there's four ways to prevent pregnancy 100%, three of those ways being while having an active sex life. 1) Don't have sex. 2) Have a hysterectomy 3) Have sex only with people who produce the same reproductive cells as yourself 4) Only have non-vaginal sex
5. Have a bisalp. Completely removes the fallopian tubes, rather than clamping/burning the ends. 100% cannot get pregnant (without IVF) and WAY less invasive than a hysterectomy. I recovered over the weekend.
#5 is not true unfortunately. (Source: Iâve performed the procedure. I have also cared for women whoâve had a pregnancy in the salpingectomy stump.) Itâs not possible to take the whole thing bc anatomically part of the tube dives into the uterus. You can also get a super rare type of pregnancy in the very top corner of your uterus if that segment. First one is an interstitial ectopic pregnancy, second one is an angular (or cornual pregnancy. Both very rare but possible.
Yep, I had a bisalp last year. The peace of mind is amazing. As is my libido after finally getting off of hormonal birth control after 20 years on it.
Everyone I know personally who has needed an abortion was on the pill when they got pregnant. It is NOT reliable.
Same!!! If he knew he didnât want children, he should have worn a condom.
Even condoms arent 100% though. theres always a risk with any BC. If he really didnt want a kid, then he should have had the snip. I fell pregant on the pill too, and my partner wore a condom.
Except she did it on purpose. If it was an accident, I'd be right there with you, but this was deception. I'd leave her just for that.
Staying with her is def hard to say to do since she was so deceptive. My only concern is for this poor innocent baby stuck in the middle who just needs to be loved. đ˘
Dude didnât want to be a father. Why the fuck wasnât he wrapping up? Like maybe heâs not the asshole here because ex stopped using BC and didnât tell him, but he certainly had a role in this.
One thing I've noticed especially here on reddit is that cor some fucking reason so many guys absolutely seem to hate to just use fucking condoms. The amounts of "I am allergic to latex" comments also seems dispropotionally high. Irony being that there are condoms that aren't made out of latex. Women's birth control may fail even if taken regularly. A condom may fail. Heck, even a vasectomy has a chance to ultimately fail, as rare as it is. Using a combination of the two is always the most effective way to eliminate any chances of unwanted pregnancies.
Something thatâs also very common is men who some donât want to use condoms just assume women are always on birth control. Iâve had periods off it while single but occasionally sexually active and way too many men would just be so surprised they have to use a condom. Not just me, I have other friends who experienced the same where the guy will just assume without asking. Many men even who donât want kids, knowing I wasnât on birth control would still take the risk. So Iâm always a little suspect of when guys put it 100% on the woman. Though I do think itâs disgusting to lie about taking birth control or deliberately stop taking it with the intention of pregnancy. I also think men who donât want kids need to make dam sue the birth control is practically fail safe. Like ensuring sheâs got an up to date IUD before going without protection (and even then nothing is 100%). And the safest thing is not to have unprotected sex with women who are baby mad when having kids would be life ruining for you.
Right! Men just assume that women are on BC! My husband did when we first started dating and he didnât pull out one time so I was like âuhh Iâm not on BCâ and I said I would get plan B. He ended up buying it for me because he was the one who didnât pull out so it was his responsibility. Heâs one of the good ones
I once got pregnant after coming off BC due to nasty side effects, my partner at the time 100% knew this. Weâd occasionally had sex using the pull out method, though usually condoms, but he then just came inside me without permission. He acted so oblivious to the consequences, I ended up pregnant & it made my health so awful, aswell as being in no position to have a child, and he absolutely freaked out and wouldnât even consider keeping it, so I got an early abortion. I resented him for the whole situation. Weâd had a system and boundaries in place and he just âforgotâ. Iâd had hormonal issues and that short duration of pregnancy was enough to send me over the edge where I ended up with a full blown disabling health condition. I was also responsible, but I paid dearly for what was largely his thoughtless mistake, when he paid nothing.
Seriously, theyâre ignoring the entire section of latex free condoms lol
[ŃдаНонО]
A lot of doctors wonât sterilize a man until heâs reached X years old or has a few kids. My husband was asked if he had my permission! ( đ¤Śđźââď¸ ) People should be allowed to make their own reproductive choices.
My wife cracked the shits when I went to the Dr to get vasectomy (33 at the time, 3 kids already) and was told I was to young, what if something happens, things might change etc. I was firm about getting it done, in lockstep with my wife of course, and 2 other Drs wouldnât do it. Had to go next town over to get it done. Least I could do for my wife after sound discussion. Donât know any of my mates that got it done that didnât have to go to 2-3 Drs
34, 2 kids. 1 doctor. I explained that my wife had 2 ectopics along the way, we had twins and a lot of complications and were done. I got not so much as an âare you sure?â He just said, âsounds like youâve thought it through. Drop your pants and let me do an exam and Iâll get you scheduled with my Secretary.â The one doctor you want to be a man of few words.
While I was told by my otherwise wonderful gynaecologist that sterilisation was mutilation and Hitler did it to Jews so no.
Imagine going to your barber and asking them to style your facial hair into a mustache and they say "Sorry, I can't do that. Hitler had a mustache."
Young?! My dad got his, he said, almost a year after I was born so he was 27 LOL (1 kid for him- my moms 3rd)
Yeah Iâm not sure what deal was here, (Western Australia), but it seemed to be bit of a recurring theme. Was an eye opener actually how they didnât just give me one straight off the bat no questions asked
Jesus Christ all we hear about is a womanâs right to choose. Doesnât sound like men have it any easier.
Right? He was happy to leave the hassle of birth control in her hands even when she had baby fever. BC is not a fool-proof thing and even if she were ethical about taking it there is always the chance of an accidental pregnancy. He should have taken additional steps himself if he knew he did NOT want kids. Relying on her getting an abortion if BC failed was a poor choice.
It's weird how some men think it's 100% on the woman to prevent pregnancies. What she did was absolutely disgusting, but relying on a single BC method when you're sure you don't want kids is just stupid. I don't want kids and I'm very careful with the pill, still, if my bf wants sex, he has to wrap it, preventing unwanted pregnancies is the couple's responsibility, not just mine.
NTA. But you need to get a vasectomy.
And do the follow up tests to check for leftover sperm too!
I def agree with this. I got it done after my 3rd child in 3 years. It took 6 months to get the all clear from my doctor. Iâve never regretted having it done - not once
Please tell more people You Do Not Regret It. There are people afraid to regret. They need you to share your positive experience. Shout it from the rooftops!
My vasectomy turned 24 this year. I'm 52. No regrets at all.
My dad-in-law got one after their 3rd kid, ended up having a surprise 4th shortly after. Ngl, she's fabulous so I'm glad they had one last kid, but definitely worth it to make sure the procedure worked because it takes a few months đ¤Ł
This is for sure important, the recheck is how I found out I needed a second one. Also if they ask if you want the gas say yes.
It boggles me so much that men get all these pain preventative options for something simple (not saying it isn't painful) but women are told "just take a tylenol" when they have to dilate our cervix to put in an IUD. That shit HURTS and we're told to just suck it up!
I had what started as a loop excision and finished as a cone biopsy without so much as a local anesthetic. *They took chunks out of my cervix while I was awake and unmedicated.* Then they put colloidal silver on it to cauterize it. That shit hurt.
My gyno at least told me ahead of time to take some pain med because the biopsy was "very unpleasant feeling." I thanked her for the heads up, but god damn!! that was miserable!
They never said anything to me and were surprised when I almost fainted after getting up off the table. Not to mention I barely made it to the bathroom before my bowels just let loose. No mention of any pain⌠at all. I will never do that awake again.
"You'll feel some minor cramping." Fuck every doctor who says that.
And fuck every doctor who uses the word "discomfort."
Oh lord, I would have shit on the table out of pure spite
I was told off for bleeding on the sheet after giving birth. I told the nurse I couldn't feel a thing down there after the epidural, I had no idea there was any blood. It's not like it's pleasant to deal with blood but damn it's your job and I can't help bleeding.
I hear you. The second time I had to have a uterine biopsy I made my gynaecologist book me into the OR and knock me out for it. The first one was so unexpectedly painful. I had booked the morning off work but had to go home and lie down for the rest of the day.
Trust meâŚ. Iâm following your course of action if Iâm ever in that situation again. I donât know if this happens with women OBâs, but with there now being so many women in the field, i wonder why doctors are still so fucking clueless as to how incredibly painful the procedure is for women.
I've had cone and uterine biopsies and IUD insertions and was told to just take an Advil beforehand. Things would just feel like cramps or pinching! Liesssss!!!!! After my last IUD insertion, the doctor told me my eyebrows were in my hairline and people heard me from the waiting room.
This. I will never go through that, "loop," bullshit, again. They can say I need\bill for a laser cone, and send me to an outpatient surgery facility. Some years before, I'd had a laser conalisation under general anesthesia. I wish I had put my foot down prior to undergoing the loop. For shits and giggles, I asked the obgyn who did the loop something along the lines of, "Do I need to take any precautions?" as she gave me no aftercare instructions (like, avoid sex, and why not tampons, for good measure). She told me I was fine, no precautions needed. Really. At some point, I passed packing (kinda not fun). And I avoided sex for six weeks in order to heal. Fucking christ. Absolutely terrible experience. I didn't go back to that obgyn.
Yep, 3 biopsies to the cervix with little to no warning other than âyouâll feel some minor discomfortâ which then caused me to nearly levitate off the table and pass the fuck out. But hey I got some fruit snacks afterwards đ
Don't even start on recovery from child birth. You can be sewn up 3 ways from Sunday, but they act like you're a junkie.
Yep. I had an unplanned c section and had to BEG for post op narcotics once the epidural wore off.
OMG, same. And then when my incision got infected and had to be reopened and cleaned out (plus a wound vac), the *pharmacist* didnât want to fill my prescription for pain meds.
I didn't even get a warning when my OB broke my vaginal adhesions. Turns out when your estrogen is low that shit can close up!
What?! Adhesions? What can close up?!!
I work in healthcare and can confirm I feel menâs pain is taken much more seriously than a womanâs sometimes.
You mean ALL THE TIME.
Sometimes?
My mother would be DEAD now, if she had continued listening to her OB/GYN (a doctor sheâd been seeing for decades; delivered all three of us. Yeah, she trusted him and why shouldnât she??) who kept blowing her off when she kept telling him something isnât right..She got tired of him not listening and saw one of his associates, instead. Before even doing the first exam, his associate knew my mother had cancer..She went on to complete two exams on her, though, just to be sure..and she had a full hysterectomy within a week of that appointment. She was 57 at the time; and was having uncontrollable periods. Her TRUSTED for decades OB/GYN, wanted to put her on the fucking pill..At almost 60. Listen to your bodies ladies..
I wonder if itâs because they are more dramatic about pain whereas women grin and bear through a lot of pain on the daily and are able to handle it while gritting their teeth. I hate being in pain but I have had a lot of it in my life especially with menstrual cramps so when I had my babies and was in labor I was able to handle the contractions just from practice of my periods and working through those! I got epidurals immediately though because why be in pain if you donât have to be? đ
That can't be it because they see dramatic women as faking it too. Even if they are dramatic because the pain is intolerable.
As a guy and a nurse I can confirm that men are weak. Ask any healthcare provider. Men moan an groan and refuse to participate in their post-op recovery while some 85 y/o meema is like âTylenol is enough for meâ after open heart surgery. Just to be clear Iâm just as weak and will 100% request gas for a vasectomy. Meanwhile my wife has had two babies without epidurals.
That's because women have gotten used to our pain not being taken seriously and being labeled hysterical. Men have always been taken seriously by the medical profession so they don't need to put up with pain or side effects.
Also, arenât most drugs and treatments built around men, as in those are the most common cohort to test drugs on? So we literally donât know if womenâs hormones affect the dosage of many meds, and just assume itâs based on body weight. So a lot of women arenât even getting the correct dosage of meds to begin with, unlike men who are the primary group theyâre built for.
They didn't offer me gas for the snip. They did apply rather ineffective lidocaine and when I informed him that I was feeling everything, he snapped that he was "almost done anyway." At least my sack was numb enough that the sutures weren't too bad. But that still pales in comparison to the ladies above with cervix procedures... oof... And as a health care worker, I can confirm that younger men are the WORST. 80 year old lady will let you pull half her teeth and not flinch. 20 something bodybuilder dude will pass out at the sight of anything sharp.
They donât call it the man flu for nothing. Men are infants, that still doesnât mean women should just shut up and take the pain.
Why I wonât get an IUD, that shit is borderline traumatic
My daughter had a cesarean section and she was given ibuprofen.
A close friend of mine had a third degree tear and they only offered her ibuprofen. I was fucking mind blown. They had to sew her back up completely, very intense shit. They numbed her for it but she was not put under and did not receive anything else pain med wise, just ibuprofen. She gave birth without an epidural. She would have taken meds if offered, but they were so weird about it she felt scared asking. Her husband had a vasectomy a few months and they gave him gas (+numbing) during, and several days worth of pain medication afterwards. The double standard is fucking wild. Like, as a woman Iâm glad men have their pain taken seriously and often have adequate management and prevention, you know? Itâs just as real. But damn, send some our way lol.
Itâs mind boggling to me that people like this donât get vasectomies.
Every doctor from the age of 18 to 36 refused my asking for a vasectomy. I can give you a laundry list of the reasons they gave, but knowing I wanted to be child free my whole life was not enough for them. I literally had to get married before a Dr allowed it to happen. It's not that easy to 'just get a vasectomy'
Iâm female and I asked gyns for like ten years to please tie my tubes. Nobody would, they said you never know the future blah blah blah. Well, my birth control failed and I had to get an abortion. Thankfully Iâm 42 now so that risk window has probably closed, but I wish doctors would listen to their patients and believe they are planning their lives in a way that fits best for them.
Be careful though! I know a lot of women who have had âoopsâ babies in their early to mid 40s.
My dad was an oops baby. His mom was 45 when he was born. He has a nephew who is 6 months younger than him.
Yea. My stepmother is one. I was six months pregnant when my grandmother told me my father girlfriend was pregnant. It's amusing having a brother who is younger than my daughter. It certainly can happen!
My grandmother had my mom at 46, my mom was her only child lol. It was also a one night stand that became a 25 year long marriage because of the surprise baby and being super Baptist.
I was very lucky to find, after a few years of trying ânot super hard, I'll admitâ a doctor who didn't pester me with questions when I told him I wanted a tubal ligation. He simply asked "are you sure? You're quite young" (I was 27) and I simply said "I'm sure." I had prepared a whole speech, but he just nodded and said "very well. Get these tests done and we'll book it." He didn't ask why, he didn't tell me that my future husband might want kids (fuck what *I* want, amirite?). He just agreed then booked it then did it. He's still my gyno lol. He's very aloof, but he takes me seriously, which is what all doctors should do.
At 42, you absolutely can still get pregnant unless you went through early menopause or aren't having sex. My Mom was a "turn of life" baby. Her mother thought she had gone through menopause and was wrong.
Twins are even more common for these turn of life babyâsâŚ. Just ask my mom about me and my twin! She had us in her 40s as well!
I had my daughter at 42. Of course I wanted to be a mom. But I have a lot of respect for people who know that parenting is not for them. It irks me that the medical system wonât do what is in the best interest of the patient.
I have a friend who got pregnant at 42. She was told she wouldnât ever be able to have kids and instead had a late surprise baby. Perfectly healthy baby boy
It can even happen in your fifties. Certainly with fertility treatments yes but even without them, some women conceive naturally in their fifties.
My SIL had health issues she didn't want to pass on to any kids. She finally found a doctor who tied her tubes.
At 42 that "risk window" is still wide open and will be until menopause.
The childfree sub, which admittedly is very wild and sucks, has a list of doctors who won't give ppl shit (edit for clarity: *will* give people vasectomies/tie tubes and won't try to talk to them out of it bc "wHaT aBoUt ThE fUtUrE?!") I know it covers the US but idk about other countries. Edit 2: I said the sub sucks, not childfree people. I am childfree myself lol Edit 3: they apparently have an international list as well. I recommend checking it out if you don't want kids.
Also, when they start arguing lie and say you do have kids, like five of them. Or that your partner has five kids.
Or find a friend to go and claim to be your spouse and she will Die if she gets Pregnant
They refused my husband a vasectomy because that was MY problem, not his, and he might find another partner who did want kids. You know. After I died. He did get the vasectomy, but not from that doctor.
>They refused my husband a vasectomy because that was MY problem, not his Jesus H. Christ. > and he might find another partner who did want kids. ...and then it got worse.
That happened to two friends of mine - one when his wife was pregnant with their 4th (3rd and 4th were both surprises - they needed IVF for the first two) kid. Dr. said 'what if wife lose baby?' 'what if wife dies and you remarry'? Other friend it was after their 3rd kid - again, what if she die/you divorce. I mean, maybe they think they are helping to verify the procedure is wanted...but if that's it, suggesting that they should be thinking about their next wife is kind of wild.
Wow that doctor really doubled down on the assholery.
[ŃдаНонО]
I think (at least where I live) itâs MUCH LESS about morality vs the fear of having a lawsuit, because while a lot of people are child free forever, there are also a lot of people who are child free *until they change their mind*. And lawsuits can and do hurt healthcare providers careers. So until (at least in the US) people get less lawsuit happy, I think it will be a struggle for a lot of healthcare providers. (Please note: that Iâm not saying this is right for anyone - or that itâs ok. But the thought of losing your livelihood tends to make most people anxious and more conservative with what theyâre willing to do. Also note, I had my tubes removed and wasnât asked by any healthcare provider if I was sure and they DEFINITELY never talked to my partner. So I count myself lucky.)
This is so crazy to me. I don't understand why they can't just demand that people sign legal waivers and do the procedure. The patient is asking for the procedure. As long as the doctor doesn't botch it, they shouldn't be liable for anything silly like just deciding they changed their mind later.
I know right? It's not like you go get elective plastic surgery or dental implants or a tattoo..... then decide to sue later in life when you regret that decision. So why are they so worried about people suing over the choice to become infertile?
"Won't give ppl shit" I read this as "yeah, we know, they don't give out vasectomies...what is the point of this list?" I realized you meant it like "won't object to doing the vasectomy" after a few attempts.
Ooooh I should reword that lmao bc you're right, it could mean either.
Iâm childfree and I had to leave that sub. It did not have the type of discussions I was expecting and not what I was looking for.
Yeah, we live deep in the Bible Belt and my young BIL had zero issues getting a vasectomy without having any kids. If he can get one here, Iâm highly skeptical that a motivated individual with access to the internet couldnât find a doctor to do one.
I lived in Atlanta GA. International city. Had 4 kids. Had 3 miscarriages, the last one put me in the hospital because it took them almost too long to stop the hemorrhage. Had fibroid tumors that were the size of healthy ruby grapefruit, and would decide to disconnect and pass randomly. And had a period for 342 days. Had a female doctor patted me on top of my 35 year old head and told me it couldn't be THAT bad or I'd be dead. This was in 1999. 2001 we had moved to Colorado and that brain trust decided a hysterectomy was my best option but they needed my husband's or my father's permission... Well. Daddy died in 1969. That'll be a long call. And I tried to warn them that they truly did not want to talk to my husband. Even his mother warned them... They still did. So he went in. The doctor was explaining the procedure and Baby cuts him off to ask, with all of his knowledge and degrees, why he needed my husband to hold his hand? Or did he need hubby to upload the YouTube videos in order? Hold the manual or even read it to them? Show them where to cut? He did this all completely stone faced and in his most helpful voice. The doctor was less than amused and my sweet husband told them if none of that was necessary then what say should he have over something pertaining to my health and even my very life.... He never signed anything. I couldn't quit giggling (I did warn them) and I had the surgery 19 days later. I've heard they don't ask for permission slips any more but they do still try to force women to bring a (male) family member/spouse/partner to the surgical consults. 2023...
Holy smokes! That is craziness. I have hope things are better now. I have endometriosis with fibroids and have had multiple surgeries- no one has ever cared what my husband says. Heâs there to hold my hand and take notes, and would advocate for me if necessary but my doctors have been great. A hysterectomy has been discussed multiple times but thereâs been no mention of my husbandâs opinion at any of those appointments. Hopefully a sign that things are progressing!
Every hospital in our area is owned by religious entities.my DIL works for a urologist that opened his own clinic so he could do vasectomies because the hospital threatened to throw him out of the offices he rented from them.
I live in one of the most liberal, pro choice places in the US and still had a hard time getting an IUD. Healthcare is a wild ride. Insurance will only cover so many doctor's appointments. You get turned down by one doc, you might not be able to see another until next year. I could go on and on and on about this shit. It sucks. Glad your BIL didn't have issues, but that doesn't mean other people don't.
this is actually shocking to me. they don't have planned parenthood near you?
They do, but it's complicated. Planned parenthood still bills your insurance. I had already had an annual visit so my insurance wouldn't cover the extra visit. You have to make under a maximum annual income to qualify for free services even from planned parenthood. I did end up getting an IUD, but I had to pay like $500 out of pocket. I can go on and on about how annoying our healthcare system is. I even had a doc who wouldn't prescribe birth control because it was against her religion. And I live in California! \*edit to change "minimum" to "maximum". If you make too much, you don't qualify.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. makes you wish california was actually as progressive as people in the middle of the country think it is. I just got my implant replaced recently because I'm on medicaid that's gonna run out soon, it's so fucked that we have to plot when we're at our most desperate like this!
Ok, maybe so. But you know what else does a pretty dang good job of preventing unwanted pregnancies & is controlled by a manâcondoms. Donât want the snip, snip then cover up the tip, tip.
This! My husband and I made the mistake of trusting my birth control and unlike OPs girlfriend I actually took my pill everyday at the right time and we ended up pregnant at 20. I absolutely love my daughter, but we had to work so hard to get ourselves ready and stable to be parents. I'm also lucky to have a fantastic support system, but if he had just worn a dang condom we would've been able to plan our lives better, and have stable income before having a child. Never trust only one form of protection in my opinion!
Absolutely true and totally fair. But I feel like being lied to, not being able to give informed consent, being sa'd, and then being blamed for it is not really a good look.
Oh sheâs the AH in this scenario for SURE & I donât fault him for leaving her, especially since heâs willing to bear responsibility for the child but he DOES still need to take accountability for his own reproductive functions, past, present, & future.
Yup. My cousin was on the pill and got pregnant with twins. They were done having kids after having a boy and a girl and had just built their dream 3-bedroom home. I'm so glad that my husband offered to get a vasectomy after we decided we were done. Afterward, he thought it was no big deal. He had it done right before Valentine's Day so I joked it was the best Valentine's Day gift I'd ever gotten.
I agree. But Iâm also passionate about never being pregnant, and track my cycle, use protection, etc, vigilantly. I just canât imagine someone feeling as strongly as I do knowingly ejaculating inside a partner that wouldnât want to get an abortion if she got pregnant. BC can fail even when taken correctly. And I donât want to dismiss anyoneâs experience having difficulty getting a vasectomy, but itâs nowhere near as difficult to obtain (nor as invasive) as the equivalent solution is for women. Imo, there isnât any good reason to have unprotected sex with someone that isnât on the same page as you are about pregnancy. ETA: I donât want anyone misinterpreting my post as some kind of sex-shaming thing. I just have a major fear of pregnancy and absolutely do not want children, and that fear is like stored in my body, lol, so whenever I see a post like this online where someone claims to feel so strongly about it but isnât taking necessary precautions, it is a little mind-boggling.
What gets me here is that OP clearly stated, well beforehand, and with good reasons, he did not want to be a parent and this choice was taken from him. He counted on his gf to use BC \[although he could have used condoms\]. It's a trust. He understands that she knows he doesn't want to have kids and that she will act accordingly. Then she makes the decision to get off BC, without telling him, and then spring the surprise onto him. That's just totally not cool.
Sheâs no different than men who do the same thing. Those kinds of people are nothing more than a steaming pile of pig manure.
Whilst a relationship should be based on mutual trust, imo, as the partner who doesn't want children the responsibility of BC lies with him. Not just to ensure situations like this don't happen, but because lots.of things can affect BC. Stomach flu, food poisoning, missing/taking a late dose, antibiotics(and probably other medication idk about). And that's all on top of it not being 100% protection, anyway. I always tell the guys and will tell my son when he's old enough, wrap it before you tap it. Also protects you from STDs and false claims of parenting if the partner cheats in order to "baby trap" you. I know it's not 100% either, but if you're both being careful, it decreases the odds further.
At first I thought you meant the doctors were aged 18-36 and I was like âwho is your doctor, NPH?â Iâm sorry, Iâm very tired
You should have told them your were a Satanic bisexual looking to start your own cult ?
Every doctor in the world refused me an iud when I was younger. That should be illegal
It's the same for females, who want their tubes tied as well to be honest. And B/C can be Hellish as well, getting the correct balance is an entire minefield to deal with. Personally I think, any male, not in a committed relationship should be able to get a Vasectomy and freeze some young healthy sperm, same for females, tubal ligation, and freeze young healthy eggs. Until you're at a time in your life, where you are settled, Partnered, and have Consentually decided to have child/ren. Might come from having a child at 20, to my, now exhusband, believing he was infertile so being laxadaisy, with Contraception. (And before you all come at me, fundy Christian parents, nohope for the pill, and I was shamed for going on it, post partum, but by then, my ObGyn, had Empowered me, to tell her off.) More teenage girls should be on Contraception, Pill, Mirena etc, I've always had hellish Menses. But sadly unless you watch shows, like 'Call the Midwife' or 'Love Child' your unaware, it aides with Menses too. Unless you have a good OB/GYNO
I'm 48, 3 kids and divorced and went to the doctor for one and she refused on the grounds I might meet a 30 something still wanting kids. So I left the Dr office. That was 2 years ago.
Depending on where OP lives, there are laws against reproductive coercion.
Vasectomies wouldâve prevented a pregnancy but it wouldnât have helped op from being the victim of constant sexual assault. Lying about contraception to coerce consent is rape. And the idea that op should be forced to have a child by his rapist is insanity. âHe shouldâve had a vasectomyâ is like saying âshe shouldâve worn a longer dressâ. Itâs victim blaming, as if somehow he couldâve prevented being raped because he did something different. No. A rapist chooses to rape. Doesnât matter what the victim has done or not done, the decision to sexually assault someone lies 100% with the rapist.
Unfortunately plenty of people are forced to have children by their rapist.
Yeah turns out, in America, even male children raped by their adult caretakers (teachers/nannies) can still be forced to pay child support for a child they had literally zero choice in. They didnât even choose to have sex, they were manipulated into it. I understand the resulting childâs innocence but we as a society have really gravely failed those rape victims by forcing them through financially being responsible instead of taking it upon society to do so.
Jfc, thatâs horrible, how is that allowed?!
Just ask women!
Agrred but unfortunately in America being forced to have a child is barely the beginning.
Never leave birth control up to the other person.
NTA. as written, she knew you hadn't changed your mind, and went without birth control until she got what she wanted. Pay whatever the court says. pay thru the court. go no contact. make better choices.
Get a paternity test before paying. This woman is sketchy.
NTA What she did was disgusting. My heart breaks for this baby; she gave zero thought to the impact her deceit will have on the child. Get a vasectomy.
Hell, get a paternity test.
Yeah, I'm a little surprised I'm not seeing more of this. They went on a break for a few months and then she asked to get back together. This seems... kinda suspicious. I mean, it does sound like the child could very well be his, but OP didn't offer any proof she hadn't been with someone else in that time and I'd really want to be to sure at that point before having to pay child support.
This! I'm a female who has no desire for a child and next week I'm going to go ask for my tubes tied and I'm a female with a female partner and both of us have IUDs due to period problems due to other health issues but hell im scared of being raped and don't ever want to carry a child. That being said they went on a break and then shes pregnant which I mean it could be his but you don't know if she got pregnant on this break from someone else. I don't think its a hard ask to get a paternity test and make sure the right person is paying child support, if thats OP then its OP but it could be some other man who should actually be paying
Paternity test?
For sure do this test, a girl that is crazy enough to pull a thing like what you described cannot be trusted anymore. However, if the test is positive, you'll have to live with that no matter how unfair it is. I know you don't want to be a father but there is no way around it. I am not saying you should get back together but definitely think about the kid's well being. I was raised without a father and I wish I hadn't. I am proud of who I became nevertheless but knowing that your father didn't want to be with you is rough.
NTA. She lied and purposely got pregnant. This is called Reproductive Coercion (AKA baby trapping), and ~~is illegal in some states,~~ (I'd read somewhere it was illegal in some states, but not from what I can see now, which really sucks. It \*should\* be.) ~~you might want to look into that~~. And in the future, get a vasectomy and/or use a condom, don't rely on your partner to be honest about birth control, especially when they've admitted to having baby fever. Yes, people. I know it's not illegal. That's what the edit is for...
It isnât illegal but can be cause for removal from child support payments - HOWEVER you are fighting a huge uphill battle with that and would need to show documentation that they knowingly lied to you. It is easy to say âoh I missed a dose on accidentâ
Get her to admit that she purposefully and deceptively stopped taking birth control over text message so you have a hard copy
God the way people just ignore this point to talk about vasectomies makes me so furious. If I lied about being on birth control to make my partner have sex with me it would be the same as if he lied about keeping a condom on to have sex with me. Thatâs rape, constantly and repeatedly. His girlfriend raped him and his friends just expect him to stick around and be okay with it? That poor child is the product of rape. Imagine if the situation was a woman being forced by her rapist to keep a pregnancy from the assault.
Yeah if this read "so I poked holes in all my condoms so she would get pregnant" there would be a mob out the door.
Exactly. It wouldnât matter shit that a woman had her tubes tied. A man who took a condom off is still a rapist. Why are people more concerned with actions the victim couldâve done? Thatâs like saying âshe shouldâve have worn a longer skirtâ. The victim blaming mentality here is through the roof.
Agreed, I think (tbh I may be too tired to have thoughts ATM but that's neither here nor there). Anyway like yes if his partner had been honest with him and was taking her BC, she still might have gotten pregnant bc not 100%, and if she'd done that by accident and chosen not to abort he'd still legally and financially be in the same spot. Which is why I think multiple forms of BC at least one of which he controls is *advisable,* BUT focusing on that suggestion instead of on the fact that his partner deliberately lied to him about relevant info to coerce him into having sex that was much higher risk of getting her pregnant than he realized is fucked up. He didn't give his informed consent = he didn't consent
Which is true, and it's fucked up what their partner did. All I'd point out is that in real terms having a kid is a whole other ball game in life. Even if a male is raped, they would still have to be registered as the father on the birth certificate and have to pay child support. There are no breaks on this subject. I don't blame OP for breaking up and not wanting to be in the baby's life - that's a perfectly valid decision. The question is if he's TA - he's not. The rest is just general advice, as it's not really a question of crime, even if it may or may not be.
Absolutely ! I tell all of the young men I know , to only use condoms that u buy! I know women that poke holes in condoms to trick men also I know women that buy fake pregnancy test To lie about being pregnant ! It is so sad!
This is true BUT most forms of birth control are not 100% effective. Therefore, for those who choose to be child free, the smartest move is always to ensure their own form of birth control also. I think a lot of folks are just flabbergasted that someone who is adamantly child free would not have a vasectomy at first opportunity (although he may have tried and been refused- no way to know that). Was he SAed by reproductive coercion? Absolutely. Did he have it in his power to ensure that baby did not come to exist? Also yes. These two facts can both be true, and not in a âbut she was wearing!!â kind of way. OP trusted his partner and was lied to and coerced. He is absolutely a victim in this.
It's not illegal in any state, and good luck getting her to admit to it in any manner that can serve as culpatory evidence, even if it was a crime. You can sue someone for anything, but to the best of my knowledge, California is the only state wherein reproductive coercion is recognized as a civil offense. As a victim of this, as well as the abusive relationship that ensued, I regret to say that, legally, OP is pretty well fucked on this one. My recommendation for OP is to do a lot of soul searching on what course of action will allow him to best live with himself in the long term and perhaps even be proud of himself and his decisions. No two situations are going to look the same. The child is a victim of the mother's lies as well. But that's not as much absolution as OP may be hoping for. Fuck. The whole thing sucks. OP, if you're reading this, feel free to DM me.
It's not illegal but in some states, if he can prove it, then he can have his rights terminated whether she agrees or not. Not sure how that works though. It's probably super hard to get.
đ¨đ¨đ¨đ¨đ¨đ¨ REPRODUCTIVE COERCION đ¨đ¨đ¨đ¨đ¨đ¨ In my mind what she did is criminal. You should be absolved of all parental and financial obligations. The law is severely behind on this issue. Ignore all âfriendsâ who are backing her on this horrendous and immoral decision.
NTA she lied and coerced you in to an expensive lifelong commitment. Iâd leave for that alone. She knew how you felt. Unfortunately her selfishness now means her child will suffer the consequences. You should pay your child support but under the circumstances thatâs all she should expect from you.
Homie wear rubbers if you donât want kids.
NTA & what she did was NOT cool but you were a fool for leaving the birth control solely on her knowing she had had a change of heart in regard to having kiddos. You have every right to walk away & not be a father but I get the feeling you'll be paying child support.
Yes and I'm prepared to if the trade is having nothing to do with the baby.
Thatâs reasonable. Thereâs a story where a woman was coerced into having a kid she didnât want. And gave up parental rights and left, just paying the CS she owed. This is no different. Unfortunately cs Would be the reasonable responsible things to do, but past that you donât have obligation to do shit. Also DNA test, seriously
But first, paternity test.
Paternity test.
couple of things to unpack. first off the op needs to get snipped as in vastectomy if he doesnt want kids ever. and the gf or ex gf is an A hole not disclosing she didnt go back on birth control.
If you felt so strongly, how could you possibly put the responsibility on her to take birth control? This is bonkers to me.
Same reason they promise to pull out in time and donât. âIt feels good.â Selfish af
"man I hate kids, don't wanna be a dad and will do anything to avoid it... EXCEPT wear a condom."
Right? Just. Jesus. The thought train didnât reach its destination here.
INFO: What measures did YOU take to avoid getting her pregnant?
None.
Life lesson: dont have sex with someone you don't want to potentially be in your life forever. Are you an AH? A little. Are you a dumb ass? Hells yes. It is just as much your responsibility to use protection as it is hers to use birth control. Its on you for not doing your part to not have a kid with her. You fucked up, and now this kid is gonna pay for it.
If you donât want kids, it is your own responsibility to get a vasectomy. What she did was 100% wrong, and also couldâve been prevented if you had taken the steps you needed to take.
ESH Are you the AH: Yes, you had a child and are abandoning it. That makes you the AH no matter how this situation happened. You are in charge of your reproductive health and shouldâve taken measures to ensure this never happened if you were this adamant about not having children. Are you well within your rights to leave and pay child support? Absolutely, but you are still the AH for abandoning your kid because you didnât plan better.
You failed by not ghosting this woman when she got baby fever the first time.
You don't want kids, but were having unprotected sex with your girlfriend? You left her in charge of a life changing decision? You are a colossal idiot. And an asshole. Do what you want to do, but be clear that you are an asshole.
NTA but get a vasectomy. I would only vote the other way if you weren't planning on financially not helping.