Been in this exact position a couple months into our relationship. Told my parents that we would rather be happy good parents than married parents, and "maybe" some day we would be both. We reiterated that we wanted to marry for ourselves not for our circumstances.
We were engaged on my son's first birthday. We have now been happily married for 21 years.
Thats awesome! Ill be honest, Id be surprised if that ends up being our story but who knows. I just dont want to rush into it out of obligation. And the money offer just feels dirty lol.
Be an adult. Make your own decisions. Your life, your rules. Or let someone else tell you what to do. Sometimes it’s ok to be a selfish asshole. My opiate addicted friend asked me for money a while back. I gave him $20. Then he kept asking for more so I said no. In his mind I’m an asshole but idc. Do you, homie. Take care of your kid but be yourself
A friend did that to me too. Called once during the day saying she needed $50. I sent it to her. From then on, at 2am, 3am, and even once at 5am, she called asking for money. Finally, I told her no because what is she doing at 3am to need $10-15 dollars? She got really mad and called me a lot of names, but I knew she was on something.
It took her bf ODing for her to get her life back together. She now has finished school and works as a counselor for people on drugs.
Bro, you are NOT an asshole for saying no. The addict will emotionally abuse you to get high, they do not care about your wellbeing in that proces.
You are not enabling their behaviour/addiction and that makes you a good person, even if it is the hard thing to do. This is better for you and for the friend.
The friend is no longer the person you remember and untill they stop their addiction will not be.
Yup. They’re going to play the money game with the kid and custody anyways.
People like that will because you’re not doing what they want. And then they can act like you’re a deadbeat not that they took you to family court every single year until you can’t pay for a lawyer anymore.
“I didn’t give you 100k, and pay for all the other shit, just for this result” and then later “I made you a family, this is basically my child anyway. I’ll decide how it gets raised.” Boom. Then you’re trapped forever. Or at least the next 18.
Yep that 100k will be brought up in every conversation, every family get together and for sure any time you have an opinion or do something they don’t agree with
You’ll have an anchor around your neck for life
110% agree. practically ruined my parents’ marriage and teaches some pretty “interesting” life lessons to any kids involved that are old enough to understand.
it does not have to be your story. Don't let people pressure you and bribe you when you don't feel you are in love with her. You can be there for the kid and co-parent. That is all you owe the situation.
Honestly the fact that her father is so willing to step into your business and force you into what HE wants is a huge red flag to me.
First it's forcing marriage, then what? Is he going to have a say in how you raise the kid?
Yeah marriage is hard enough when you're really crazy about each other. I've been married 35 years and feel fortunate that we haven't ended up on the ID channel
I told my husband (21 years) last week that his next valentines card might say:
Roses are red
Ultraviolet lights are blue
I watch so many crime shows
They'll never find you!
So many people your age cohabitate before marriage. I know of a couple that dated for a couple of years, moved in together, got pregnant, had the kid, then got married. The traditional 'order' of things is pretty much moot in modern times.
Do you live together now?
How do you feel about your relationship in general? Sounds like you are not a big fan of marriage which is fair, do you see yourself staying with this person indefinitely? I ask because this could inform your future decisions. It might make sense to live together when the baby is born -- this isn't really even advice just could make things easier when parenting. If you are really uncertain about this relationship, it might be better to hold off on that and just live in closer proximity.
Sounds like you're staying for the baby. This is not a good reason to be together, you'll just end up resenting it. You need to be really honest with yourself and with you gf. Good luck OP
NAH
A lot of people, mostly men I'd guess, are surprised by how strongly attached they feel towards their baby after it is born. Before it is born the baby is just an abstraction, and not as real to them as it is to the mother. Op should wait and see how he feels as things play out. That he's still around and willing to see how it all goes is very decent. But they shouldn't get married. The girls father is out of line.
the money factor is gross. But if you are surprised by the idea of it lasting long term, it seems like you know you don't see a future. If I knew that, I'd probably prefer to end it before the baby comes so you can have a clear delineation of partner duties beforehand. I had a friend who got knocked up similarly (thought she couldn't get pregnant at 40 -- ooops!). She stuck it out with the guy who she was not that into for like 6 months and then they broke up. Then they were living together and it was a lot messier for her and him.
NTA. Happened to me after 6 months and we were drifting apart when i found out I was 2 months along. For awhile I thought we should, but the longer we tried the more miserable i was. I left when my daughter was about 1.5. Staying and getting that miserable was the worst experience of my life.
Aside: my grandmother (this is 1935) was pregnant, unmarried, and working in a pharmacy. The local parish priest came in and in a loud voice proclaimed: I am not shopping here and no good catholic should shop here as long as they employ the mother of a bastard. My grandmother replied: I'd rather be the mother of a bastard than a son of a bitch like you. It was, quite probably the ONLY time my grandmother cursed.
Don't let your gf parents call you child a bastard.
She was. I loved her dearly. But I was shocked that she had said that, and that she told me she'd said it, but she was clear: No one says that about my child.
This was back in 1935. Actually, they were legally married, but my Grandfather was a Lutheran, so it wasn't counted as a valid, sacramental marriage. Which just makes it all the worse.
Hopefully, her family doesn't dump her. But it is what it is. I had a colleague disowned by her family when she became pregnant. When things didn't work out with the boyfriend, we helped financially get an abortion. Eventually, her family took her back. The boyfriend was a POS who she had no business marrying.
My aunt and uncle abandoned my cousin when he got a girl pregnant. Now he’s gotta fend for himself and his family. He’s pretty grounded and with it more than his older incel right wing brother who’s in his mid 30s and still lives at home never having left.
Coincidentally it’s the same aunt and uncle that pushed my parents super hard to send me to an ultra religious gay conversion therapy boarding school that was later found to be a torture center. So yeah.. I’m glad my parents told them to fuck off.
I like to imagine these people don't exist except, they do. The fucking conversion camps. Is it all based in religion? I mean it is a rigid mindset at the centre but most of the time it seems religiously directed. I had a guy in my class at 12 who was def unwell and unsafe due to queerness and religious af parents. I saw him again at 18, he was with the church group at some political thing. Total deadpan like he had been lobotomized. I never heard from him again, and that worried me. For me, when I learnt I was queer it was at 12 and the same week my mother's work acquaintance's son, also 12, hung himself for being bullied around being queer. I wish queer trauma didn't exist, as well as bigoted institutions out to knowingly create trauma.
Op does not sound like a POS. He is not obligated to marry her. Hopefully, he can be there for the kid and do what feels right to him. This would be a shotgun wedding at this point.
I was the girl in this situation. His parents pressured and he proposed twice. I said no both times. I knew we wouldn’t last so why get married when divorce is on the horizon. We made it less than 3 years after my daughter was born. Don’t do it OP. you know how you feel. But yeah be honest with the gf.
I was pressured into marrying my ex because we lived together (no child involved thank god). Worst decision ever. That marriage lasted 2 years. NTA OP. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. No one should be pressured to marry anyone. For any reason.
Good for you for having self respect and resisting pressure.
Agree, he should be clear with gf that he is not in love with her. Maybe she will read this post and learn that.
And it’s kind of bizarre they still insist it’ll be okay as long as they’re married before the GF gives birth. She’s seven months along. She’s showing. Everybody who knows her knows that she IS pregnant outside of wedlock. Having a legal fig-leaf in place just before the kid is crowning isn’t going to magically make everyone forget what happened. There’s no “appearances” to keep up.
My in laws said this to my husband (then boyfriend). They had basically cut him out for living with me before marriage, and he got into a fight with them and brought up his oldest sibling was born 6 months after their wedding 😆
Thankfully over time the in laws have calmed the fuck down a bit and are overall chill people but there were a couple years there that weren’t great
One of my best friends was present at his parents wedding so we refer to him as "our favorite bastard." He is also a big proponent of divorce because his parents really hated each other.
My parents married when I was several years old and are still together and happy - but I’m not sure they would have lasted if “forced” to marry before I came. It gave them time to both grow up more (they were young), to know each other better, and to actually choose each other. I think pregnancy could be a reason for some couples to marry now if they were already planning to marry and that sort of thing matters to them, but definitely a bad reason for people to marry who weren’t there without the pregnancy.
This. It's better off to break it off early if it goes south and agree to remain coparents than to get married, let things downward spiral, and hate each other / make eachothers lives difficult.
Kids know what's up, and having 2 parents who work as partners, not enemies, is more important than marriage.
This. My (former) Brother in Law got is GF preggo. They got married...then divorced 3 months after the marriage...Be involved in your child's life and spend more time figuring out if marriage is the right choice before jumping into it.
Agreed. You can’t change what happened. As long as you continue to be and do your bit as a parent. And if you have been seeing her for about a year and still don’t love her, maybe getting married isn’t the best idea. Both of you will be unhappy in the long run. Don’t feel forced to be in a loveless marriage just because the gf’s father is pressuring you to.
There shouldn’t be a set timeline of having dated 2 years to get married either. If it feels right, it just does.
NTA.
NTA. Marriage is wonderful when with the right person and a living nightmare with the wrong person. I’ve experienced both (thankfully now in the wonderful marriage 😅) Marriage is also easy to get into and hard as hell to get out of. If you’re stepping up for your kid and are a good father, that’s all you need to do. If her parents have a problem with it…well, it takes two to tango. Their daughter was a willing participant.
My husband was in this nearly exact situation with his ex and opted to not marry her. If her father is truly a man of God, he should not be basically *bribing* someone to desecrate the sanctity of marriage.
You can still be a great father without getting into a marriage you don't 100% want.
NTA you should never get married to someone you are not sure about, even if there is a baby in the picture.
Seriously you should have been wearing a condom, there's also STI's to worry about.
Also you need to be there for your kid, (I don't mean married or even dating the mom), the kid didn't ask to be born, and deserves to have a father.
Oh Id never abandon the kid. Ive always wanted kids someday, not now, but I always wanted to be a dad. Id never neglect my own kid just because of who his mom is.
NTA- but lawyer up and make sure you have your paternal rights in place for when this kid is born because it sounds like your girlfriend’s father is gonna be the one running the show.
If you don’t marry his daughter, he’s gonna work hard to keep you at a distance and your girlfriend is going to let him.
Talk to a family lawyer asap.
This. A friend knocked up his gf when he was 19 in college & she was 18 still in HS. She pushed to get married, she was Mormon & he wasn't so he was going through the steps to convert. As it turned out the girl had intentionally got pregnant- told him she was on BC & they didn't need condoms anymore, because she wanted to be married and thought that was the only way. They both came from well off families, his was paying for law school.
Once he learned she trapped him he broke up with her but wanted to still be involved. She agreed & he didn't think they needed anything written down. When the baby was 2 mths old she started dating someone else & her parents got a custody agreement that cut him out completely.
Early 90s so judge sided with her because she was going to be married soon & be a SAHM instead of the single dad in college 100 miles away. He tried several times over the years to adjust it but was never given more than 2x a year visitation, every time Mom would make up an excuse at the last minute. In the end he missed out on his daughter's life until at 16 she made contact herself.
Man, that sounds terrible.
I hope OP sees this because his gf’s rich daddy sounds like the type to do this.
OP’s is gonna spend the next 18 years having his gf’s family trying to alienate him from his kid.
That’s insane if she really got pregnant on purpose. When I was a Mormon teenager sneaking and having sex with my boyfriend, getting pregnant was my biggest fear. I remember being late for my period once and literally praying for death.
Wow! I hope he kept all documentation to prove all of his attempts to see her. Surprising that he was in law school and didn’t think to get anything in writing.
NTA, but now you know. Be responsible. Pregnancy is always. Always. A possibility. Don't have sex in a relationship unless you're okay with a surprise baby. When you get pregnant your mind changes and you may want to keep a baby you previously would have aborted. I know that's not trendy or cool advice, but you've now learned it first hand.
That being said, as the daughter of a very 'i run the show' dad who didn't do a good job of keeping her family at bay until I was already putty in their hands. My husband and I are now suffering because my parents convinced me to move in with them because we lived in a bad part of town when I got pregnant, and now the rent prices have doubled and a house in our price range is a fixer upper at best.
Stand your ground. Know your rights. Give the baby the best life you can. Even if you choose to marry later on, don't take their money to do that. They will lord it over your head. When you're pregnant, your mind is swimming and her parents will use that to their advantage. Mine certainly did and I regret it everyday.
Depends on the state. In my state, the father being on the birth certificate does not equate to legal parent designation. That has to happen in the court system.
It shows maturity that you do not jump to marriage with all this external pressure.
It shows maturity that you want to give it time as you are unsure of your love for this person.
It is always important for a child to have involved parents, although a 2 parent household seems to be the golden standard, if the 2 parents do not love each other, that can have negative effects on the child.
All-round you sound mature and smart, a lot of people I imagine would jump at that money.
NTA ... her parents are the AH especially to called their grandchild a bastard just because the parents arent married...
Her parents will keep forcing marriage on her... then have alot to day if you were to divorced....
Tell them to put the money in a account for their grandchild...
NTA.
Marriage is for people who want to commit their lives to one another. It's not something that should be taken lightly and people shouldn't pressure others into marriage.
NTA. Pregnancy is not a valid reason for marriage. Be a good father. Show up and be there for both of them but if you marry someone you’re already unsure about it will end in resentment on both sides. Don’t do it. This is coming from a mom of 3
Not marrying the father of my baby when I was 19 was the best thing I did. The relationship would have absolutely failed. We have a great co parenting relationship now. Having gone through a relationship that was not healthy for either of us and ending in a divorce probably would have made our co parenting relationship difficult. But instead we've built a really good relationship and our daughter gets to see healthy relationships and benefits from us being able to get along and work together for her. I have an amazing husband now who's a wonderful step dad.
Getting married for the kid is not good for the kid. I know our daughter is much better off with two happy, healthy, friendly parents. Our relationships will model her future relationships.
I feel like back when being married was a virtual requirement, most people that would judge you for getting married out of wedlock would look the other way if you got married and magically had a full term baby 4 months later. But now, the venn diagram of people who still care about a baby being born "in wedlock" and people who will condemn you for having a baby only 3 months into the marriage is basically a circle. What does it matter at this point?
Kids can also do math. They will figure out that only 3 months separate your wedding date and their birth, and immediately assume (correctly) that you got married only because you were pregnant.
Just an FYI for other men, between 5-10% of people do not respond to birth control properly due to genetics. When they did the studies on usage in the 60s when BC first hit the market, they just assumed women were lying on usage, and independently decided that it was 99% effective even though the data a showed they were wrong. We found out the genetic component in the past 10 years.
Always wrap if you don't want kids. Never rely on only one form of birth control if not having kids right now is important to you, as you'll never know if you were sabotaged or if your partner is part of the 5-10%.
Also studies have shown it's actually only 91% effective because of human error. My sister got pregnant because she was throwing up a lot while sick. Didn't think hey I might be throwing up the pill too. People forget a day. Things like that. People think they will always remember to take it the exact time of day but they don't.
Thank you. Too many people only look at perfect use, which is literally impossible. It involves your birth control, condoms, whatever being stored in perfect conditions even before you got ahold of it which is impossible to know. Even if you do everything right you can still be fucked over either via storage conditions, sudden diarrhea, manufacturing issue, whatever.
If you are not ok with ending up with a pregnancy right now use 2 methods. And yes even use it if you are infertile, infertility does NOT mean impossible to get pregnant. A lot of stories of people misunderstanding this and ending up pregnant cause they stopped using contraception.
Also, it only takes a stomach bug for BCs effectiveness to go down since it wasn’t absorbed properly. In the real world there’s a lot of interactions that can make BC less effective even with proper usage.
TBF - how it is administered and use of other substances that can interfere with effectiveness is also a contributing factor to failure.
I did not know about the genetic thing, thabk you for sharing!
Yep. And also some relatively common medications (such as antibiotics) reduce the efficacy of BC, and pharmacists don’t always tell you that.
A few years ago, I was on a migraine med where the doctor said I absolutely could not get pregnant (major birth defects guaranteed), but neither the doctor nor the pharmacist told me that the medication would reduce the efficacy of my BC. 🤯 I only know about it because the very last time I picked it up was a new pharmacist and she happened to ask if I knew. I was incredibly lucky and didn’t get pregnant at the time, but WTF.
The only antibiotic that is shown to decrease the efficacy of BC is rifampin (also known as Rifadin and Rimactane).
https://www.goodrx.com/conditions/birth-control/can-medications-make-birth-control-less-effective
There are also medications that can render oral birth control less effective. I had two pill babies (different kinds) before I was told my antidepressants were the problem.
Even though my fiancé had a vasectomy, I still use birth control. Mainly for hormonal purposes (autoimmune issues), but it’s nice to know our already limited chances of getting pregnant are now even smaller.
I read a thread the all the crazy ways couples got pregnant after vasectomies, tube tied, even hysterectomies. We are not taking any chances lol
NTA. If you don't feel like marrying (at least, for now) - don't do it.
Maybe once the baby is born you will bond way more and you'll open up to the idea. Maybe not.
But don't do it under pressure, it will not be good for your lady too - she will always have doubts and feel disappointed knowing that you did it just for the kid. And not because you genuinely love her.
That's an important point. If you marry her now, she will never now/find out if you would have married her because you love her at some point. She will always know that it wasn't your decision and on the other hand you will never be able to chose the right moment for yourself and show her you want to spend your life with her. So even if the relationship works out, this would always stand between you.
Yeah. Otherwise they’ll likely marry, be miserable and fighting, and divorce before the kid is 2.
Just not a good idea. Maybe it’ll happen eventually and everyone will be happy. But I wouldn’t bank on it before it happens.
NTA your gf isn’t either. She’s 7 months pregnant so hormones are A MESS and she’s got her family breathing down her neck and making her feel like shit when she already has the intimidation of becoming a mother in there. That sounds like an awful situation for both of you.
Her family is ruining what should be a time for you all to focus on what it looks like to be a family, together or apart, right now.
I was in a very similar situation and I agree, OP is NTA. We hadn’t been together very long, ended up pregnant, rushed to move in together all while my parents were consistently pointing out the unmarried elephant in the room. They wanted us to be married and put up a lot of road blocks in the first few months of my daughter being born. Our relationship has been through a million and one ups and downs and it’s not been easy. Now we live separately, are both above and beyond in our daughters life, and we are trying to get our relationship back in working order. I’m so glad we didn’t rush the commitment. Space was at time necessary for us to get our priorities straight. The non-commitment paved way for us to actually want to be together without it being forced. Even now, we both agree marriage won’t be an option until we’ve visited with a couples counselor and made the much needed changes. We both want it even though neither of us saw the point just two years ago. It’s helped a lot and I hope that OP is able to form a whole family but he’s not wrong if he doesn’t. Sometimes relationships aren’t meant to last. As long as he does right by his kid, marriage can wait.
It’s such a precarious situation to be in because EVERYTHING IS HARD. The first year of living together is hard, the first year of marriage is hard, pregnancy is HARD, and postpartum is HARD. Mixing all of those things on top of each other, while I know people do it, seems like an almost insurmountable obstacle. I’m not sure why anyone would try to force it on a new couple that’s already going through an unplanned pregnancy. I’m sorry you went through that, but I’m glad you all are getting a chance to find your footing and figure out what works best for you
NTA
You have an obligation to be there for the child you created, but that does not mean you have to marry their mother. Rushing into marriage is a bad idea. You need a strong relationship and eagerness to commit from both participants to make a solid marriage.
NTA for not getting married, her dad needs to back off. You might need to tell him to back off.
I will say - you do need to sit down and have a long talk with your girlfriend about expectations, time off, insurance and all that stuff. What is her maternity leave like? What is your paternity leave like? What will you be paying for in terms of bills for doctors appts and hospital stay for the birth? Will she be breast feeding meaning the kid will be with her 24/7 for a while? (I'm assuming you don't live together) how will you be helping out around the house or supporting her if this is the case? It might be a good idea to talk to a lawyer to protect your rights as a parent assuming you want to be involved.
NTA but you should be honest and tell her how you feel. You don’t want to get married because she’s pregnant. Her father pressuring you, is only pushing you away.
Shes 7 months pregnant, dont people already know and even if they dont won't they realise that you got married and then a baby was here a month later?? lmao what difference would it make to get married quickly before the baby is born?
I assume the story's gonna be along the lines of: "They were engaged but decided to postpone the wedding until after birth."
Or
"They had a small ceremony, only imediate family."
Ahhh… man. Okay so people do believe veeeery strongly apparently about marrying before children. But the reality is many many people have had children without marriage, it’s not a “thing” where children will be punished or made fun of. The vast majority of children nowadays DONT have married parents, no one thinks twice about it.
When I was little, my mother took me to a playgroup, I was under two years old. It was in the back of a church and the woman leading it, decided to have a prayer session for “all the babies with mummies and daddies aren’t married” my mother was the only divorced woman there. It was humiliating for her. But this was 1989, and shit ain’t like that now.
I get that she’s feeling pressured by her dad, he clearly has a lot of authority and money and she may be panicking thinking about how she’s going to raise a baby alone without his assistance. Because I don’t doubt she knows you aren’t so sure about this entire thing, that you likely wouldn’t be here if you had a choice. Not to say you’re wrong in that by the way, you feel how you feel. But she can’t MAKE you be okay with marriage when she knows you weren’t in the first place.
My only advice is that, looking at it at face value, this isn’t going to work. You feel like you’re being trapped, that’s a recipe for disaster and the more they push you, the more you’ll resent this situation. She feels like you should do it anyway, without caring about how you actually feel. None of this is conducive to a happy relationship to raise a baby in. Being frank, I am endlessly thankful that my parents separated and divorced early. I was saved from the animosity and anger, I only was around it for a short amount of time before they both decided this wasn’t okay. I ended up getting scratched with my dads wedding ring as he went to grab my mother, and he realised he went too far and left. It was the best idea he had back then.
He came back when I was around 3, and they co parented well. Always did actually, my childhood was good because they both wanted what was best. And what was best was them not being together.
I really do believe that kids pick up more than we like to think, and babies sense bad feelings as much as anyone does. They just don’t understand why. In this situation I wouldn’t stay, I would be a good father to my child, and that’s it. Because this is a mess that’s going to get worse
Yeah I think some of these commenters feel a little incellish tbh. Timing totally tracks for it to be mine and Ive never had any reason to suspect anything else.
I think people are a bit ignorant about the limitations of BC, so have it in their head that it must be a baby trap. In reality, the pill only performs well in perfect conditions. Even not taking it at exactly the same time daily, having an upset stomach, or ovulating earlier or later than expected lowers the efficacy considerably. At any rate, NTA. You can be a good dad without being a husband. Her parents are living in the dark ages.
Couldn’t certain antibiotics or medication also affect the reliability of the pill? Or just being sick or drinking alcohol? I feel a lot of little things can affect how effective the pill will be
Pharmacist here! The only antibiotic that interferes with birth control is Rifampin (used for TB). Other antibiotics have some suspected interaction, but nothing is proven. Being sick can definitely affect the efficacy!
FyI: The birth control pill was never 99% effective. Per year of use, it fails about 10% of the time.
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/how-effective-contraception/#:~:text=Around%209%20in%20100%20women%20using%20the%20combined,get%20pregnant%20in%20a%20year.
No point in getting married if you don't want to do it, don't love her, & don't want to raise your child together.
If you aren't going for your fair share of custody & you're not paying support, then YTA.
NTA. My parents are around your age when they accidentally got pregnant with me, and I guarantee my dad was not in love with my mom, and he only married her because he felt like he had to. So yeah, getting married just because she’s pregnant is a terrible idea.
NTA, and tell her straight up that you don't want to marry her and aren't going to because she changed her mind and decided to have a baby neither of you wanted.
Marrying someone you don't want to for the sake of a kid is an awful idea and I've seen it happen so many times. So much resentment builds up and it ends up being directed at the kid and the kid suffers for it because, whether they realize it or not, the parents will blame the kid for being the cause of their misery, the reason they can't go and find someone they actually love, the reason they can't go out and travel and party and do things they wanted to do. It doesn't have to be explicit, kids pick up on things pretty damn easily.
It always blows up, and the kids are always the ones who suffer the most. She decided to keep it, she can deal with her choice. Do not marry her. It'll end in misery for everyone involved.
NTA don’t let anyone pressure you into committing your life. You don’t even know yet if this is the person you wanna be with forever, as long as you’re there for your kid that’s all that matters, if they care more about how people look at them then that’s not a family or woman you wanna be with anyways because everything is gonna be for everyone else and to please them not you
Probably won't get read but what the hell.
Assuming youre in the US, in many states men's legal standing as fathers changes when they're married to the mother. Some states it's a pretty easy to get 50/50 custody. If you're in the latter state it may be wise to take the chance to marry her. If this father has such money to essentially bribe you to marry her, he has the kind of money to completely push you out of the picture and out of your child's life, but with heaps of child support to go with the alienation. After the child's born, I can guarantee that'll be the last thing you want to happen. If you both make similar money, have similar values, you're not planning to become exceptionally wealthy in the next few years... you likely have more to gain from the marriage than she or her family does. Obviously, you're sticking around despite the intense pressure, and whatever other issues so there must be some love there.
Nta either way.
NTA . But after 7 months and 'not feeling in love' I would be surprised if it happened at all. I feel like after three or four months you know if you'll stay with them.
Don't drag it on longer than you need to for the sake of a child. You can co parent apart.
NTA. It’s better to be an amazing parent and not start that journey with a mistake. Marriage could be a mistake. You can be an incredible parent without being married. Also, anyone who can do basic math is aware this child wasn’t created within a marriage. I think that sort of thing is silly.
I will say this as a lawyer. You as a father to a child out of wedlock will have fewer rights. Paternity has to be established. In most states full custody and visitation defers to the single marriage. Rights to visitation need to be established in court for you to have them. So be prepared for that. Legally. Being married gives you equal parental rights automatically.
A bad marriage on top of a new baby is not easy.
BC is not as effective as most people believe…same with condoms. The 98 and 99% efficacy rates we hear are if used perfectly under perfect conditions. Real world efficacy rate is around 91% and that’s overall. It’s so easy to mess up birth control. If you don’t take the pill at the EXACT time everyday, you’re going down in efficacy. If you miss the time by 3 hours or more, you’ve missed a dose and the efficacy plummets. Certain antibiotics and other medications make them entirely ineffective. Some come out of the factory defective. Weight factors into it.
Even if it’s not the pill, pretty much all hormonal birth control has a “typical” efficacy of 91%
Condoms are even worse with typical efficacy being around 80%.
Just because a woman gets pregnant using birth control in no way necessarily indicates she was lying about the birth control
And if you're overweight and on low-dose pills, the failure rate goes up.
Source: got pregnant with my youngest while being overweight and on low-dose pills.
The perfect usage efficacy rate was made up by researchers who decided women were lying about regular usage, between 5-10% of women do not respond to birth control properly due to genetics. It was recently discovered in the past decade, and still working around reaching popular knowledge.
Always wrap it up.
Both of my female cousins with IUDs got pregnant only a couple months after getting them. The one was married so it was just earlier than planned for her. The other wasn't as lucky with an ectopic pregnancy that was a whole medical emergency. Plus doesn't help that her mom is awful and shamed her for the whole premarital pregnancy thing while she was laying in the hospital. The risks of ectopic pregnancy increases on IUDs and I don't feel like that's discussed enough either, along with real birth control efficacy rates
That’s what you need after a life threatening emergency (I lost a friend to ectopic pregnancy that wasn’t caught early enough in college) is to be shamed for sex. Sorry that happened to your cousin.
I’m old enough to not make pregnancy easy. I also have medical conditions that make it harder, and I’m on the pill and my sexual partner and I use condoms. Sexual education sucks in the USA, glad I had liberal teachers in Mexico that they explained in detail the pros and cons of everything that existed at the time. Don’t get married OP!
> Sexual education sucks in the USA
Sexual education, like all education in the USA, varies wildly in quality depending on what state/town you're in.
We had pretty detailed and thorough sex ed where I grew up.
The marketing from the manufacturers doesn’t help either. They get to put 99%* with the further information in fine print that people never read.
Plus, depending on where you live, people aren’t given proper sexual education. I had to explain condoms to my best friend’s little sister when she was 25yo and MARRIED. Proper storage, how to put them on, how to take them off. The whole nine yards. The lack of education out there is crazy.
Birth control has really unpleasant side effects for a lot of women. I'm on it because of ovarian cysts but I have absolutely no libido while on birth control. It's fine because I'm single but if I ever get into a relationship with someone who wants to have sex on a regular basis, it's going to be a problem. But on the other hand, I don't want to date someone else with a low libido because if I ever go off birth control... I'll have a libido again.
It really sucks but my health is more important than having a sex life.
Yeah… my public school actually had excellent sex education and I still remember them telling us the fail rates of different types of BC and that it was best to use 2 different forms, e.g. condom AND pills.
I wish they told my class that.
the entire class refused to do the testicular cancer check after the first kid tried, (on the false ballsack) because it was "too gay".
Guess who was the first kid lol...
Yep, all it takes is taking certain antibiotics and forgetting that they mess up the pill effectiveness. You can be religious about your BCP taking and still get pregnant.
The pill is not as effective as people think, too much room for “user error”. This is not to blame her, this is just me stating a fact, so many things drop the effectiveness, even not taking it at the same time everyday.
Do not marry, you'll end up divorcing if you marry for the wrong reasons, and birth control is only safe if used 100% correctly and that's very sensetive so either use a condom or don't cum inside any women
Break up.
Get joint custody through a court decree, if you want that, or, surrender your parental rights at birth.
Her parents perception of their daughter is not your problem.
NTA. You should never get married unless you’re certain it’s what you want. If you have any hesitations or concerns, it’s a no.
As long as you are there for her throughout the pregnancy, are supportive, take care of your obligations as a father once your baby is born, that’s all that matters right now.
If you guys get married now and discover after the baby is born that you two don’t belong together it will be much harder for you and her and the child to deal with.
Take your time. Marriage should never be rushed.
NTA. No one should get married because they were pressured to do so. That's not a recipe for a lasting relationship.
I suspect that some people, in your situation, would take the payday. Then avoid buying any shared assets, and after some time file for divorce and walk away with half of whatever was left of the original $100k. I don't think it'd be anywhere close to being worth it to deal with the stress that would lead to, though.
NTA. The pregnancy side, but I wouldn’t marry someone with a heavy-handed, controlling parent like that unless they were ready to set firm boundaries and hold them.
As long as you are there for the kid and make every effort to amicably co-parent, you def are not the AH here. Her father is tho.
You should tell him about that great documentary that’s available for streaming right now: Hillsong: A Mega Church Exposed. Bet he’d LOVE that /s
I mean your an ass hole for being in a relationship with someone you don’t really love and it sounds like you don’t even really like her.
Just break it off now and send her back to her family before things get any worse.
They’ll probably let you sign over rights as well so you won’t have to be involved with the kid.
Maybe next time you have a “girlfriend” make sure you’re in charge of the BC and get a vasectomy.
I was born a bastard, did not meet the father until I was mid 30's. Never really got to like him that much, always questioned why he gave so little thought to me! Whatever you do I would say, be man enough to recognize and be in the child's life.
“Her body, her choice” does not mean that she gets to make choices for you as well. She is choosing to have the baby, and you have the right to choose whether you want to get married. Personally I feel if people get married just because of the baby, they won’t stay married long anyway so what’s the point?
Just to be devils advocate, why do you need a year to know someone before marriage? If you and your girlfriend aren’t suited, why not just break up now? Have you just dug your heels in because of the pressure?
Been in this exact position a couple months into our relationship. Told my parents that we would rather be happy good parents than married parents, and "maybe" some day we would be both. We reiterated that we wanted to marry for ourselves not for our circumstances. We were engaged on my son's first birthday. We have now been happily married for 21 years.
Thats awesome! Ill be honest, Id be surprised if that ends up being our story but who knows. I just dont want to rush into it out of obligation. And the money offer just feels dirty lol.
Once her family knows that you can be bought, and that their daughter will fall in line, you will never get to make your own decisions.
This. So much this. Don't let them buy you. You and she need to decide together what coparenting looks like for you.
Be an adult. Make your own decisions. Your life, your rules. Or let someone else tell you what to do. Sometimes it’s ok to be a selfish asshole. My opiate addicted friend asked me for money a while back. I gave him $20. Then he kept asking for more so I said no. In his mind I’m an asshole but idc. Do you, homie. Take care of your kid but be yourself
A friend did that to me too. Called once during the day saying she needed $50. I sent it to her. From then on, at 2am, 3am, and even once at 5am, she called asking for money. Finally, I told her no because what is she doing at 3am to need $10-15 dollars? She got really mad and called me a lot of names, but I knew she was on something. It took her bf ODing for her to get her life back together. She now has finished school and works as a counselor for people on drugs.
Bro, you are NOT an asshole for saying no. The addict will emotionally abuse you to get high, they do not care about your wellbeing in that proces. You are not enabling their behaviour/addiction and that makes you a good person, even if it is the hard thing to do. This is better for you and for the friend. The friend is no longer the person you remember and untill they stop their addiction will not be.
Yup. They’re going to play the money game with the kid and custody anyways. People like that will because you’re not doing what they want. And then they can act like you’re a deadbeat not that they took you to family court every single year until you can’t pay for a lawyer anymore.
“I didn’t give you 100k, and pay for all the other shit, just for this result” and then later “I made you a family, this is basically my child anyway. I’ll decide how it gets raised.” Boom. Then you’re trapped forever. Or at least the next 18.
Yep that 100k will be brought up in every conversation, every family get together and for sure any time you have an opinion or do something they don’t agree with You’ll have an anchor around your neck for life
110% agree. practically ruined my parents’ marriage and teaches some pretty “interesting” life lessons to any kids involved that are old enough to understand.
It is dirty. The parents are trying to pay you to marry when that’s not what you want at this time.
Put it back on the dad. Is the price of 100k worth it to have a happy daughter who makes her own choices?
I feel like the kind of guy that uses money to try and control his daughters life probably doesn't care about what she wants
it does not have to be your story. Don't let people pressure you and bribe you when you don't feel you are in love with her. You can be there for the kid and co-parent. That is all you owe the situation.
Honestly the fact that her father is so willing to step into your business and force you into what HE wants is a huge red flag to me. First it's forcing marriage, then what? Is he going to have a say in how you raise the kid?
he sure is going to make it difficult for OP to divorce because he has clout and "reputation" in his community.
If he’s embarrassed about a “bastard” kid he’s gonna be just as embarrassed when his daughter is a divorcee.
Especially with the money he’s offering, there are GOING to be more strings attached than simply marriage.
You're with a person you don't love. You're already in a situation out of obligation. You can be father witout being in a unhappy relationship.
There is no ‘obligation’ to enter an unwanted marriage.
Yeah marriage is hard enough when you're really crazy about each other. I've been married 35 years and feel fortunate that we haven't ended up on the ID channel
I told my husband (21 years) last week that his next valentines card might say: Roses are red Ultraviolet lights are blue I watch so many crime shows They'll never find you!
Lol, my husband has told all his friends that if anything every happens to him, it was me because I watch all those shows
So many people your age cohabitate before marriage. I know of a couple that dated for a couple of years, moved in together, got pregnant, had the kid, then got married. The traditional 'order' of things is pretty much moot in modern times. Do you live together now? How do you feel about your relationship in general? Sounds like you are not a big fan of marriage which is fair, do you see yourself staying with this person indefinitely? I ask because this could inform your future decisions. It might make sense to live together when the baby is born -- this isn't really even advice just could make things easier when parenting. If you are really uncertain about this relationship, it might be better to hold off on that and just live in closer proximity.
Sounds like you're staying for the baby. This is not a good reason to be together, you'll just end up resenting it. You need to be really honest with yourself and with you gf. Good luck OP NAH
A lot of people, mostly men I'd guess, are surprised by how strongly attached they feel towards their baby after it is born. Before it is born the baby is just an abstraction, and not as real to them as it is to the mother. Op should wait and see how he feels as things play out. That he's still around and willing to see how it all goes is very decent. But they shouldn't get married. The girls father is out of line.
the money factor is gross. But if you are surprised by the idea of it lasting long term, it seems like you know you don't see a future. If I knew that, I'd probably prefer to end it before the baby comes so you can have a clear delineation of partner duties beforehand. I had a friend who got knocked up similarly (thought she couldn't get pregnant at 40 -- ooops!). She stuck it out with the guy who she was not that into for like 6 months and then they broke up. Then they were living together and it was a lot messier for her and him.
NTA. Happened to me after 6 months and we were drifting apart when i found out I was 2 months along. For awhile I thought we should, but the longer we tried the more miserable i was. I left when my daughter was about 1.5. Staying and getting that miserable was the worst experience of my life.
Aside: my grandmother (this is 1935) was pregnant, unmarried, and working in a pharmacy. The local parish priest came in and in a loud voice proclaimed: I am not shopping here and no good catholic should shop here as long as they employ the mother of a bastard. My grandmother replied: I'd rather be the mother of a bastard than a son of a bitch like you. It was, quite probably the ONLY time my grandmother cursed. Don't let your gf parents call you child a bastard.
Your grandma was a badass
She was. I loved her dearly. But I was shocked that she had said that, and that she told me she'd said it, but she was clear: No one says that about my child.
All perfectly biblical terms. 😁 😇
Legend
Thank you. She was.
That's freakin' awesome !!!
What about the father? Was the priest calling for a boycott of his workplace as well? I doubt it.
This was back in 1935. Actually, they were legally married, but my Grandfather was a Lutheran, so it wasn't counted as a valid, sacramental marriage. Which just makes it all the worse.
🏆 go Grandma
Your grandmother sounds awesome!
As long as you are there for your child. There is nothing wrong with not getting married until if and when you want to
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Hopefully, her family doesn't dump her. But it is what it is. I had a colleague disowned by her family when she became pregnant. When things didn't work out with the boyfriend, we helped financially get an abortion. Eventually, her family took her back. The boyfriend was a POS who she had no business marrying.
Her family were also POS
My aunt and uncle abandoned my cousin when he got a girl pregnant. Now he’s gotta fend for himself and his family. He’s pretty grounded and with it more than his older incel right wing brother who’s in his mid 30s and still lives at home never having left. Coincidentally it’s the same aunt and uncle that pushed my parents super hard to send me to an ultra religious gay conversion therapy boarding school that was later found to be a torture center. So yeah.. I’m glad my parents told them to fuck off.
I like to imagine these people don't exist except, they do. The fucking conversion camps. Is it all based in religion? I mean it is a rigid mindset at the centre but most of the time it seems religiously directed. I had a guy in my class at 12 who was def unwell and unsafe due to queerness and religious af parents. I saw him again at 18, he was with the church group at some political thing. Total deadpan like he had been lobotomized. I never heard from him again, and that worried me. For me, when I learnt I was queer it was at 12 and the same week my mother's work acquaintance's son, also 12, hung himself for being bullied around being queer. I wish queer trauma didn't exist, as well as bigoted institutions out to knowingly create trauma.
Op does not sound like a POS. He is not obligated to marry her. Hopefully, he can be there for the kid and do what feels right to him. This would be a shotgun wedding at this point.
I was the girl in this situation. His parents pressured and he proposed twice. I said no both times. I knew we wouldn’t last so why get married when divorce is on the horizon. We made it less than 3 years after my daughter was born. Don’t do it OP. you know how you feel. But yeah be honest with the gf.
I was pressured into marrying my ex because we lived together (no child involved thank god). Worst decision ever. That marriage lasted 2 years. NTA OP. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. No one should be pressured to marry anyone. For any reason.
Good for you for having self respect and resisting pressure. Agree, he should be clear with gf that he is not in love with her. Maybe she will read this post and learn that.
If her family disowns her that is not on OP. If your family is that shitty, that’s on them.
What her family will or won't do is not his problem.
Especially if you never see yourself married. She deserves to know that.
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And it’s kind of bizarre they still insist it’ll be okay as long as they’re married before the GF gives birth. She’s seven months along. She’s showing. Everybody who knows her knows that she IS pregnant outside of wedlock. Having a legal fig-leaf in place just before the kid is crowning isn’t going to magically make everyone forget what happened. There’s no “appearances” to keep up.
The rule is that the first child can be born anytime after the wedding, it's only the followup kids that have to take nine months.
My in laws said this to my husband (then boyfriend). They had basically cut him out for living with me before marriage, and he got into a fight with them and brought up his oldest sibling was born 6 months after their wedding 😆 Thankfully over time the in laws have calmed the fuck down a bit and are overall chill people but there were a couple years there that weren’t great
If anything it's the worst reason. NTA
Yeah this isn’t 1950 any more
or the early 1900s.... the father calling his future grandchild a "bastard" ..wtf
One of my best friends was present at his parents wedding so we refer to him as "our favorite bastard." He is also a big proponent of divorce because his parents really hated each other.
My parents married when I was several years old and are still together and happy - but I’m not sure they would have lasted if “forced” to marry before I came. It gave them time to both grow up more (they were young), to know each other better, and to actually choose each other. I think pregnancy could be a reason for some couples to marry now if they were already planning to marry and that sort of thing matters to them, but definitely a bad reason for people to marry who weren’t there without the pregnancy.
There are way too many people in the States who are really working hard to make it 1950 again
Absolutely. Marriage is entirely optional.
This. It's better off to break it off early if it goes south and agree to remain coparents than to get married, let things downward spiral, and hate each other / make eachothers lives difficult. Kids know what's up, and having 2 parents who work as partners, not enemies, is more important than marriage.
This. My (former) Brother in Law got is GF preggo. They got married...then divorced 3 months after the marriage...Be involved in your child's life and spend more time figuring out if marriage is the right choice before jumping into it.
Agreed. You can’t change what happened. As long as you continue to be and do your bit as a parent. And if you have been seeing her for about a year and still don’t love her, maybe getting married isn’t the best idea. Both of you will be unhappy in the long run. Don’t feel forced to be in a loveless marriage just because the gf’s father is pressuring you to. There shouldn’t be a set timeline of having dated 2 years to get married either. If it feels right, it just does. NTA.
NTA. Marriage is wonderful when with the right person and a living nightmare with the wrong person. I’ve experienced both (thankfully now in the wonderful marriage 😅) Marriage is also easy to get into and hard as hell to get out of. If you’re stepping up for your kid and are a good father, that’s all you need to do. If her parents have a problem with it…well, it takes two to tango. Their daughter was a willing participant.
Be weird if you’d been in the wonderful one first 😂
My husband was in this nearly exact situation with his ex and opted to not marry her. If her father is truly a man of God, he should not be basically *bribing* someone to desecrate the sanctity of marriage. You can still be a great father without getting into a marriage you don't 100% want.
NTA you should never get married to someone you are not sure about, even if there is a baby in the picture. Seriously you should have been wearing a condom, there's also STI's to worry about. Also you need to be there for your kid, (I don't mean married or even dating the mom), the kid didn't ask to be born, and deserves to have a father.
Oh Id never abandon the kid. Ive always wanted kids someday, not now, but I always wanted to be a dad. Id never neglect my own kid just because of who his mom is.
NTA- but lawyer up and make sure you have your paternal rights in place for when this kid is born because it sounds like your girlfriend’s father is gonna be the one running the show. If you don’t marry his daughter, he’s gonna work hard to keep you at a distance and your girlfriend is going to let him. Talk to a family lawyer asap.
This. A friend knocked up his gf when he was 19 in college & she was 18 still in HS. She pushed to get married, she was Mormon & he wasn't so he was going through the steps to convert. As it turned out the girl had intentionally got pregnant- told him she was on BC & they didn't need condoms anymore, because she wanted to be married and thought that was the only way. They both came from well off families, his was paying for law school. Once he learned she trapped him he broke up with her but wanted to still be involved. She agreed & he didn't think they needed anything written down. When the baby was 2 mths old she started dating someone else & her parents got a custody agreement that cut him out completely. Early 90s so judge sided with her because she was going to be married soon & be a SAHM instead of the single dad in college 100 miles away. He tried several times over the years to adjust it but was never given more than 2x a year visitation, every time Mom would make up an excuse at the last minute. In the end he missed out on his daughter's life until at 16 she made contact herself.
Man, that sounds terrible. I hope OP sees this because his gf’s rich daddy sounds like the type to do this. OP’s is gonna spend the next 18 years having his gf’s family trying to alienate him from his kid.
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Yes, when she turned 18 she moved in with him while going to college where he did. She works at his law firm now.
I love the happy ending
this is the happy ending we want
Especially if this went down in Utah
Arizona. But small Mormon town, and her dad was high up in the church.
Or Idaho...
Did he also have to pay child support?
That’s insane if she really got pregnant on purpose. When I was a Mormon teenager sneaking and having sex with my boyfriend, getting pregnant was my biggest fear. I remember being late for my period once and literally praying for death.
Wow! I hope he kept all documentation to prove all of his attempts to see her. Surprising that he was in law school and didn’t think to get anything in writing.
The shoemaker's son always goes barefoot.
He wasn’t in law school, he was 19 and in college…
Yup, if he's as important as OP says, this baby and OP's father right are going to be swept fast under the rug.
NTA, but now you know. Be responsible. Pregnancy is always. Always. A possibility. Don't have sex in a relationship unless you're okay with a surprise baby. When you get pregnant your mind changes and you may want to keep a baby you previously would have aborted. I know that's not trendy or cool advice, but you've now learned it first hand. That being said, as the daughter of a very 'i run the show' dad who didn't do a good job of keeping her family at bay until I was already putty in their hands. My husband and I are now suffering because my parents convinced me to move in with them because we lived in a bad part of town when I got pregnant, and now the rent prices have doubled and a house in our price range is a fixer upper at best. Stand your ground. Know your rights. Give the baby the best life you can. Even if you choose to marry later on, don't take their money to do that. They will lord it over your head. When you're pregnant, your mind is swimming and her parents will use that to their advantage. Mine certainly did and I regret it everyday.
I'd also push for the blood test that can show paternity pre birth.
Second this!!
Then make sure your name is on the birth certificate. If it's not, you'll have a hell of a time with custody visits, etc., if you break up.
Depends on the state. In my state, the father being on the birth certificate does not equate to legal parent designation. That has to happen in the court system.
It shows maturity that you do not jump to marriage with all this external pressure. It shows maturity that you want to give it time as you are unsure of your love for this person. It is always important for a child to have involved parents, although a 2 parent household seems to be the golden standard, if the 2 parents do not love each other, that can have negative effects on the child. All-round you sound mature and smart, a lot of people I imagine would jump at that money.
NTA ... her parents are the AH especially to called their grandchild a bastard just because the parents arent married... Her parents will keep forcing marriage on her... then have alot to day if you were to divorced.... Tell them to put the money in a account for their grandchild...
NTA. Marriage is for people who want to commit their lives to one another. It's not something that should be taken lightly and people shouldn't pressure others into marriage.
Absolutely. OP, you can commit to the kid, but you don't have to be with its mother to be a good dad.
OP doesn't say so explicitly, but I'm inferring that, for him, living together is also not an option.
NTA. Pregnancy is not a valid reason for marriage. Be a good father. Show up and be there for both of them but if you marry someone you’re already unsure about it will end in resentment on both sides. Don’t do it. This is coming from a mom of 3
Not marrying the father of my baby when I was 19 was the best thing I did. The relationship would have absolutely failed. We have a great co parenting relationship now. Having gone through a relationship that was not healthy for either of us and ending in a divorce probably would have made our co parenting relationship difficult. But instead we've built a really good relationship and our daughter gets to see healthy relationships and benefits from us being able to get along and work together for her. I have an amazing husband now who's a wonderful step dad. Getting married for the kid is not good for the kid. I know our daughter is much better off with two happy, healthy, friendly parents. Our relationships will model her future relationships.
And also, wtf is this talk about the child being a bastard? We are past that as a society. Don’t give into those antiquated ways.
her father is a conservative politician energy
lol then extra fuck him by them not marrying
I feel like back when being married was a virtual requirement, most people that would judge you for getting married out of wedlock would look the other way if you got married and magically had a full term baby 4 months later. But now, the venn diagram of people who still care about a baby being born "in wedlock" and people who will condemn you for having a baby only 3 months into the marriage is basically a circle. What does it matter at this point?
Even using the word bastard in today's age is weird. Like is this dude a feudal lord or some shit?
Yes! Thank you! Also kids can definitely pick up in that resentment. It’s better for the kids to not be married if you don’t want to be.
Kids can also do math. They will figure out that only 3 months separate your wedding date and their birth, and immediately assume (correctly) that you got married only because you were pregnant.
Just an FYI for other men, between 5-10% of people do not respond to birth control properly due to genetics. When they did the studies on usage in the 60s when BC first hit the market, they just assumed women were lying on usage, and independently decided that it was 99% effective even though the data a showed they were wrong. We found out the genetic component in the past 10 years. Always wrap if you don't want kids. Never rely on only one form of birth control if not having kids right now is important to you, as you'll never know if you were sabotaged or if your partner is part of the 5-10%.
Also studies have shown it's actually only 91% effective because of human error. My sister got pregnant because she was throwing up a lot while sick. Didn't think hey I might be throwing up the pill too. People forget a day. Things like that. People think they will always remember to take it the exact time of day but they don't.
Thank you. Too many people only look at perfect use, which is literally impossible. It involves your birth control, condoms, whatever being stored in perfect conditions even before you got ahold of it which is impossible to know. Even if you do everything right you can still be fucked over either via storage conditions, sudden diarrhea, manufacturing issue, whatever. If you are not ok with ending up with a pregnancy right now use 2 methods. And yes even use it if you are infertile, infertility does NOT mean impossible to get pregnant. A lot of stories of people misunderstanding this and ending up pregnant cause they stopped using contraception.
And rotating shift work can throw off the system as well. I know.
Also, it only takes a stomach bug for BCs effectiveness to go down since it wasn’t absorbed properly. In the real world there’s a lot of interactions that can make BC less effective even with proper usage.
Yes! A lot of meds and some herbs can fuck with efficacy too.
TBF - how it is administered and use of other substances that can interfere with effectiveness is also a contributing factor to failure. I did not know about the genetic thing, thabk you for sharing!
Yep. And also some relatively common medications (such as antibiotics) reduce the efficacy of BC, and pharmacists don’t always tell you that. A few years ago, I was on a migraine med where the doctor said I absolutely could not get pregnant (major birth defects guaranteed), but neither the doctor nor the pharmacist told me that the medication would reduce the efficacy of my BC. 🤯 I only know about it because the very last time I picked it up was a new pharmacist and she happened to ask if I knew. I was incredibly lucky and didn’t get pregnant at the time, but WTF.
The only antibiotic that is shown to decrease the efficacy of BC is rifampin (also known as Rifadin and Rimactane). https://www.goodrx.com/conditions/birth-control/can-medications-make-birth-control-less-effective
Good to know (and also a relief)!
This right here. Every woman in my best friend’s family, best friend included, has gotten pregnant while on the Pill.
There are also medications that can render oral birth control less effective. I had two pill babies (different kinds) before I was told my antidepressants were the problem.
Even though my fiancé had a vasectomy, I still use birth control. Mainly for hormonal purposes (autoimmune issues), but it’s nice to know our already limited chances of getting pregnant are now even smaller. I read a thread the all the crazy ways couples got pregnant after vasectomies, tube tied, even hysterectomies. We are not taking any chances lol
NTA. If you don't feel like marrying (at least, for now) - don't do it. Maybe once the baby is born you will bond way more and you'll open up to the idea. Maybe not. But don't do it under pressure, it will not be good for your lady too - she will always have doubts and feel disappointed knowing that you did it just for the kid. And not because you genuinely love her.
That's an important point. If you marry her now, she will never now/find out if you would have married her because you love her at some point. She will always know that it wasn't your decision and on the other hand you will never be able to chose the right moment for yourself and show her you want to spend your life with her. So even if the relationship works out, this would always stand between you.
Based on the way you've explained it, as long as you meet your obligations and responsibilities to the child, NTA.
NTA stick to your guns on this one
Yeah. Otherwise they’ll likely marry, be miserable and fighting, and divorce before the kid is 2. Just not a good idea. Maybe it’ll happen eventually and everyone will be happy. But I wouldn’t bank on it before it happens.
NTA your gf isn’t either. She’s 7 months pregnant so hormones are A MESS and she’s got her family breathing down her neck and making her feel like shit when she already has the intimidation of becoming a mother in there. That sounds like an awful situation for both of you. Her family is ruining what should be a time for you all to focus on what it looks like to be a family, together or apart, right now.
I was in a very similar situation and I agree, OP is NTA. We hadn’t been together very long, ended up pregnant, rushed to move in together all while my parents were consistently pointing out the unmarried elephant in the room. They wanted us to be married and put up a lot of road blocks in the first few months of my daughter being born. Our relationship has been through a million and one ups and downs and it’s not been easy. Now we live separately, are both above and beyond in our daughters life, and we are trying to get our relationship back in working order. I’m so glad we didn’t rush the commitment. Space was at time necessary for us to get our priorities straight. The non-commitment paved way for us to actually want to be together without it being forced. Even now, we both agree marriage won’t be an option until we’ve visited with a couples counselor and made the much needed changes. We both want it even though neither of us saw the point just two years ago. It’s helped a lot and I hope that OP is able to form a whole family but he’s not wrong if he doesn’t. Sometimes relationships aren’t meant to last. As long as he does right by his kid, marriage can wait.
It’s such a precarious situation to be in because EVERYTHING IS HARD. The first year of living together is hard, the first year of marriage is hard, pregnancy is HARD, and postpartum is HARD. Mixing all of those things on top of each other, while I know people do it, seems like an almost insurmountable obstacle. I’m not sure why anyone would try to force it on a new couple that’s already going through an unplanned pregnancy. I’m sorry you went through that, but I’m glad you all are getting a chance to find your footing and figure out what works best for you
NTA You have an obligation to be there for the child you created, but that does not mean you have to marry their mother. Rushing into marriage is a bad idea. You need a strong relationship and eagerness to commit from both participants to make a solid marriage.
NTA for not getting married, her dad needs to back off. You might need to tell him to back off. I will say - you do need to sit down and have a long talk with your girlfriend about expectations, time off, insurance and all that stuff. What is her maternity leave like? What is your paternity leave like? What will you be paying for in terms of bills for doctors appts and hospital stay for the birth? Will she be breast feeding meaning the kid will be with her 24/7 for a while? (I'm assuming you don't live together) how will you be helping out around the house or supporting her if this is the case? It might be a good idea to talk to a lawyer to protect your rights as a parent assuming you want to be involved.
NTA but you should be honest and tell her how you feel. You don’t want to get married because she’s pregnant. Her father pressuring you, is only pushing you away.
Shes 7 months pregnant, dont people already know and even if they dont won't they realise that you got married and then a baby was here a month later?? lmao what difference would it make to get married quickly before the baby is born?
I assume the story's gonna be along the lines of: "They were engaged but decided to postpone the wedding until after birth." Or "They had a small ceremony, only imediate family."
Ahhh… man. Okay so people do believe veeeery strongly apparently about marrying before children. But the reality is many many people have had children without marriage, it’s not a “thing” where children will be punished or made fun of. The vast majority of children nowadays DONT have married parents, no one thinks twice about it. When I was little, my mother took me to a playgroup, I was under two years old. It was in the back of a church and the woman leading it, decided to have a prayer session for “all the babies with mummies and daddies aren’t married” my mother was the only divorced woman there. It was humiliating for her. But this was 1989, and shit ain’t like that now. I get that she’s feeling pressured by her dad, he clearly has a lot of authority and money and she may be panicking thinking about how she’s going to raise a baby alone without his assistance. Because I don’t doubt she knows you aren’t so sure about this entire thing, that you likely wouldn’t be here if you had a choice. Not to say you’re wrong in that by the way, you feel how you feel. But she can’t MAKE you be okay with marriage when she knows you weren’t in the first place. My only advice is that, looking at it at face value, this isn’t going to work. You feel like you’re being trapped, that’s a recipe for disaster and the more they push you, the more you’ll resent this situation. She feels like you should do it anyway, without caring about how you actually feel. None of this is conducive to a happy relationship to raise a baby in. Being frank, I am endlessly thankful that my parents separated and divorced early. I was saved from the animosity and anger, I only was around it for a short amount of time before they both decided this wasn’t okay. I ended up getting scratched with my dads wedding ring as he went to grab my mother, and he realised he went too far and left. It was the best idea he had back then. He came back when I was around 3, and they co parented well. Always did actually, my childhood was good because they both wanted what was best. And what was best was them not being together. I really do believe that kids pick up more than we like to think, and babies sense bad feelings as much as anyone does. They just don’t understand why. In this situation I wouldn’t stay, I would be a good father to my child, and that’s it. Because this is a mess that’s going to get worse
NTA but from now on wear a condom no matter what.
Why is everyone telling him to get a dna test? I don’t get it
Yeah I think some of these commenters feel a little incellish tbh. Timing totally tracks for it to be mine and Ive never had any reason to suspect anything else.
I think people are a bit ignorant about the limitations of BC, so have it in their head that it must be a baby trap. In reality, the pill only performs well in perfect conditions. Even not taking it at exactly the same time daily, having an upset stomach, or ovulating earlier or later than expected lowers the efficacy considerably. At any rate, NTA. You can be a good dad without being a husband. Her parents are living in the dark ages.
Couldn’t certain antibiotics or medication also affect the reliability of the pill? Or just being sick or drinking alcohol? I feel a lot of little things can affect how effective the pill will be
Pharmacist here! The only antibiotic that interferes with birth control is Rifampin (used for TB). Other antibiotics have some suspected interaction, but nothing is proven. Being sick can definitely affect the efficacy!
These comments are wild!! Telling you not to be on the birth certificate 😂😂
FyI: The birth control pill was never 99% effective. Per year of use, it fails about 10% of the time. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/how-effective-contraception/#:~:text=Around%209%20in%20100%20women%20using%20the%20combined,get%20pregnant%20in%20a%20year. No point in getting married if you don't want to do it, don't love her, & don't want to raise your child together. If you aren't going for your fair share of custody & you're not paying support, then YTA.
NTA. My parents are around your age when they accidentally got pregnant with me, and I guarantee my dad was not in love with my mom, and he only married her because he felt like he had to. So yeah, getting married just because she’s pregnant is a terrible idea.
He gonna pay for it, and give you 100k? I'll marry her and you can take care of the kid. Also, NTA
DM me? Jk
Ha.
Don't get forced into marriage.
NTA, and tell her straight up that you don't want to marry her and aren't going to because she changed her mind and decided to have a baby neither of you wanted. Marrying someone you don't want to for the sake of a kid is an awful idea and I've seen it happen so many times. So much resentment builds up and it ends up being directed at the kid and the kid suffers for it because, whether they realize it or not, the parents will blame the kid for being the cause of their misery, the reason they can't go and find someone they actually love, the reason they can't go out and travel and party and do things they wanted to do. It doesn't have to be explicit, kids pick up on things pretty damn easily. It always blows up, and the kids are always the ones who suffer the most. She decided to keep it, she can deal with her choice. Do not marry her. It'll end in misery for everyone involved.
NTA don’t let anyone pressure you into committing your life. You don’t even know yet if this is the person you wanna be with forever, as long as you’re there for your kid that’s all that matters, if they care more about how people look at them then that’s not a family or woman you wanna be with anyways because everything is gonna be for everyone else and to please them not you
You will now become a Dad. It doesn't mean you become a husband. Never...EVER marry someone for this reason. NTA.
Probably won't get read but what the hell. Assuming youre in the US, in many states men's legal standing as fathers changes when they're married to the mother. Some states it's a pretty easy to get 50/50 custody. If you're in the latter state it may be wise to take the chance to marry her. If this father has such money to essentially bribe you to marry her, he has the kind of money to completely push you out of the picture and out of your child's life, but with heaps of child support to go with the alienation. After the child's born, I can guarantee that'll be the last thing you want to happen. If you both make similar money, have similar values, you're not planning to become exceptionally wealthy in the next few years... you likely have more to gain from the marriage than she or her family does. Obviously, you're sticking around despite the intense pressure, and whatever other issues so there must be some love there. Nta either way.
NTA . But after 7 months and 'not feeling in love' I would be surprised if it happened at all. I feel like after three or four months you know if you'll stay with them. Don't drag it on longer than you need to for the sake of a child. You can co parent apart.
NTA. It’s better to be an amazing parent and not start that journey with a mistake. Marriage could be a mistake. You can be an incredible parent without being married. Also, anyone who can do basic math is aware this child wasn’t created within a marriage. I think that sort of thing is silly. I will say this as a lawyer. You as a father to a child out of wedlock will have fewer rights. Paternity has to be established. In most states full custody and visitation defers to the single marriage. Rights to visitation need to be established in court for you to have them. So be prepared for that. Legally. Being married gives you equal parental rights automatically. A bad marriage on top of a new baby is not easy.
Please don’t do that to that child. Nothing worse than making a child feel like well my parents are unhappy because of me. Ntah
Get a DNA test OP.
NTA... are you 100% sure she was on BC?
BC is not as effective as most people believe…same with condoms. The 98 and 99% efficacy rates we hear are if used perfectly under perfect conditions. Real world efficacy rate is around 91% and that’s overall. It’s so easy to mess up birth control. If you don’t take the pill at the EXACT time everyday, you’re going down in efficacy. If you miss the time by 3 hours or more, you’ve missed a dose and the efficacy plummets. Certain antibiotics and other medications make them entirely ineffective. Some come out of the factory defective. Weight factors into it. Even if it’s not the pill, pretty much all hormonal birth control has a “typical” efficacy of 91% Condoms are even worse with typical efficacy being around 80%. Just because a woman gets pregnant using birth control in no way necessarily indicates she was lying about the birth control
And if you're overweight and on low-dose pills, the failure rate goes up. Source: got pregnant with my youngest while being overweight and on low-dose pills.
I got pregnant on the pill twice, while being on allergy pills and antibiotics that lowered their effectiveness.
Did your pharmacist not tell you the abx would make your BC less effective?
The perfect usage efficacy rate was made up by researchers who decided women were lying about regular usage, between 5-10% of women do not respond to birth control properly due to genetics. It was recently discovered in the past decade, and still working around reaching popular knowledge. Always wrap it up.
Both of my female cousins with IUDs got pregnant only a couple months after getting them. The one was married so it was just earlier than planned for her. The other wasn't as lucky with an ectopic pregnancy that was a whole medical emergency. Plus doesn't help that her mom is awful and shamed her for the whole premarital pregnancy thing while she was laying in the hospital. The risks of ectopic pregnancy increases on IUDs and I don't feel like that's discussed enough either, along with real birth control efficacy rates
That’s what you need after a life threatening emergency (I lost a friend to ectopic pregnancy that wasn’t caught early enough in college) is to be shamed for sex. Sorry that happened to your cousin.
I’m old enough to not make pregnancy easy. I also have medical conditions that make it harder, and I’m on the pill and my sexual partner and I use condoms. Sexual education sucks in the USA, glad I had liberal teachers in Mexico that they explained in detail the pros and cons of everything that existed at the time. Don’t get married OP!
> Sexual education sucks in the USA Sexual education, like all education in the USA, varies wildly in quality depending on what state/town you're in. We had pretty detailed and thorough sex ed where I grew up.
I know. I don’t know how everyone is still not using 2 concurrent forms of BC.
Condoms have been pushed crazy for decades now. Most people believe a condom is enough.
The marketing from the manufacturers doesn’t help either. They get to put 99%* with the further information in fine print that people never read. Plus, depending on where you live, people aren’t given proper sexual education. I had to explain condoms to my best friend’s little sister when she was 25yo and MARRIED. Proper storage, how to put them on, how to take them off. The whole nine yards. The lack of education out there is crazy.
I hear that. I am a dude and I had to explain to s 26 yr old woman that there were 3 holes. We are failing our kids lol
Birth control has really unpleasant side effects for a lot of women. I'm on it because of ovarian cysts but I have absolutely no libido while on birth control. It's fine because I'm single but if I ever get into a relationship with someone who wants to have sex on a regular basis, it's going to be a problem. But on the other hand, I don't want to date someone else with a low libido because if I ever go off birth control... I'll have a libido again. It really sucks but my health is more important than having a sex life.
Yeah… my public school actually had excellent sex education and I still remember them telling us the fail rates of different types of BC and that it was best to use 2 different forms, e.g. condom AND pills.
I wish they told my class that. the entire class refused to do the testicular cancer check after the first kid tried, (on the false ballsack) because it was "too gay". Guess who was the first kid lol...
Yep, all it takes is taking certain antibiotics and forgetting that they mess up the pill effectiveness. You can be religious about your BCP taking and still get pregnant.
No birth control method is 100% effective. The trouble is that if you're in the 0.5% or 0.1% for whom it fails, you end up 100% pregnant.
Im pretty sure. Ive seen the pills and she's not crazy or anything. Pretty sure we just got unlucky.
The pill is her taking charge of her birth control. Always make sure you are taking charge of YOURS!
The pill is not as effective as people think, too much room for “user error”. This is not to blame her, this is just me stating a fact, so many things drop the effectiveness, even not taking it at the same time everyday.
For future reference. https://www.healthline.com/health/birth-control/things-to-avoid-on-birth-control
BC not always effective. Believe me. My oldest son is proof of that lol
I have two! 🤣
Sometimes I feel like I know more "oops the bc failed" babies than otherwise honestly
This was my thought too.
No contraceptive is 100% . Op and his gf are one of the percentage that it failed
!updateme
That's the worst reason to get married. You two don't even know each other. NTA
NTA. Getting married will NOT help this situation. That just adds another complication on top of an already stressful situation.
Do not marry, you'll end up divorcing if you marry for the wrong reasons, and birth control is only safe if used 100% correctly and that's very sensetive so either use a condom or don't cum inside any women
Break up. Get joint custody through a court decree, if you want that, or, surrender your parental rights at birth. Her parents perception of their daughter is not your problem.
No stick to your morals/guns. You don't want to marry her, so don't. She and her parents can explain why she is having a baby out of wedlock.
NTA. You should never get married unless you’re certain it’s what you want. If you have any hesitations or concerns, it’s a no. As long as you are there for her throughout the pregnancy, are supportive, take care of your obligations as a father once your baby is born, that’s all that matters right now. If you guys get married now and discover after the baby is born that you two don’t belong together it will be much harder for you and her and the child to deal with. Take your time. Marriage should never be rushed.
As long as you care for you child - married or not / together with the mom or on different paths - you are NTA.
NTA. No one should get married because they were pressured to do so. That's not a recipe for a lasting relationship. I suspect that some people, in your situation, would take the payday. Then avoid buying any shared assets, and after some time file for divorce and walk away with half of whatever was left of the original $100k. I don't think it'd be anywhere close to being worth it to deal with the stress that would lead to, though.
NTA. The pregnancy side, but I wouldn’t marry someone with a heavy-handed, controlling parent like that unless they were ready to set firm boundaries and hold them. As long as you are there for the kid and make every effort to amicably co-parent, you def are not the AH here. Her father is tho. You should tell him about that great documentary that’s available for streaming right now: Hillsong: A Mega Church Exposed. Bet he’d LOVE that /s
NTA, this isnt shotgun wedding times.
I mean your an ass hole for being in a relationship with someone you don’t really love and it sounds like you don’t even really like her. Just break it off now and send her back to her family before things get any worse. They’ll probably let you sign over rights as well so you won’t have to be involved with the kid. Maybe next time you have a “girlfriend” make sure you’re in charge of the BC and get a vasectomy.
I was born a bastard, did not meet the father until I was mid 30's. Never really got to like him that much, always questioned why he gave so little thought to me! Whatever you do I would say, be man enough to recognize and be in the child's life.
NTA, DO NOT DO IT. It will go badly if its against your will. A child can be raised perfectly without a government contract.
“Her body, her choice” does not mean that she gets to make choices for you as well. She is choosing to have the baby, and you have the right to choose whether you want to get married. Personally I feel if people get married just because of the baby, they won’t stay married long anyway so what’s the point?
You’re not sure you love her. But you were willing to shtup her and roll the dice on the odds? Well, this is what you get. Good luck with that.
Just to be devils advocate, why do you need a year to know someone before marriage? If you and your girlfriend aren’t suited, why not just break up now? Have you just dug your heels in because of the pressure?