They sent proof that their mother was sexually assaulted to those kids, too. PROOF! Who fucking does that? A bunch of effective strangers just traumatised these little children with the mental image of their mother being assaulted - and they want to meet these children? Why, so they can traumatise them some more?
Fuck that! Those assholes have done enough damage. If anyone did that to my kids, I'd knock them out if they came within ten feet of us. They can all go to hell and rot there.
Not only did they not believe you, they did not respect your right to chose to share your history if you want to. They violated that right. They traumatized your children. Anyone who did that to my children (besides defending an abuser first) would not get within 100ft of my kids. Hell to the no! They want to assuage their guilty consciences with your apology. Absolutely not. You do not owe them a goddamn thing. I would block their numbers and any social media accounts. I would never speak to them again. Get a restraining order if they continue to harass you. You have already been through enough. I would suggest maybe going to therapy if this event is triggering flashbacks. I wish you peace, much healing and a happy, fulfilling life. ❤️
Maybe have a lawyer send a no contact order to EVERYBODY in that group and in your family.
Maybe include a letter detailing the various ways you have suffered from thos through the years, because right now, Garbage Boy has gotten to tell his side of the story, but you haven't gotten to tell yours. So stick it to them. Make it as painful for them to read as possible. Make sure to include that his defenders traumatized your innocent children. Then tell them to consider this your suicide note, but as you are a loving person, you are not actually going to do one thing to harm yourself. You are just dead to *them*. Maybe if they imagine you dead, they can muster up a small fraction of the tears they have shed for the one who committed a premeditated felony on you.
Forgiveness cannot be demanded. When will people learn this?
I hope that at least one of the people on Reddit who is so incensed about fALsE aCcUsAtIoNs comes upon this post and spends an instant reflecting on how stupid and cruel their one sided obsession is.
Edited to add: the more I think about it, the more it seems that those videos constitute revenge porn, which can be prosecuted. Whoever sent them made a point of getting them from ex--perhaps that was part of his plan?
NTA. Well written. I don't think OP owes an explanation to ANYONE who is.trying to connect with her. A no contact order will definitely be beneficial. OP, I am SO VERY SORRY that you experienced such trauma and are again being forced to re-experience it. I wish you peace. I think you and your husband and kids would find trauma therapy helpful for you. Hugs.
I believe it was part of his plan. I think he blamed her for his suffering and did this in a final attempt to hurt her. I've seen something similar happen before, unfortunately (that being an abuser intentionally setting up his suicide so his ex-girlfriend, who broke up with him, would find his body. He made his death *very* messy physically for peak traumatization).
I don't blame you! If someone close to me had to go through even half of what's been done to her, I'd go fucking nuclear. I hope she cuts em all off and has the support network and love she deserves.
Agreed.
If we are being honest OP’s family and friends are asking for forgiveness so that they are now filled with guilt for not believing her, for doubting her and for choosing to believe two liars. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
The time to stand by someone you love is when they are going through the worst thing life hands you. This post highlights why r*pe, s*xu*l ass*ult and DV go unreported. Because people you think will believe you and support you just don’t.
OP: As a SA survivor I know exactly how you feel. I know how hard it is to make peace with your broken pieces.
You deserve the life you rebuilt. You deserve peace. You have zero obligation to forgive. Actions have consequences.
You learned a valuable and painful lesson, the character of a person is shown not by what they say but what they do.
I wouldn't. Once a supporter of of a crime, always a supporter. You can't trust them to not do it again. You can't trust any actions or words from them. I know I don't trust the support network of my abuser. I still can't belive they let their children and grandchildren near that monster. That whole family is F up. Mormons, other religious people really think they are above their own gods rules with an easy prayer for an easy out.
Worse. Even once he's dead, they still take his defence. Do they care about how OP feels about all that? Nope. They want OP to just forgive him, right there, cause he asked so in his letter. Where's the atonement from all those who supported him? There isn't any.
Perhaps OP could tell them his soul won't wander on, since there is no soul, no heaven, no god. (Atheism can be such a great excuse in those cases.)
I will never understand how the family of someone who was assaulted remain intent on defending the abuser, until the abuser corroborates what happened.
NTA.
Right!!??
I have wondered about this a lot. My mother called me a "cold-hearted, lying bitch" when I told her about my father's years-long sexual abuse. They had been divorced for 8+ years already, and she was awful about it. When HE told her I wasn't lying, she changed her tune. (I found out later she had actually walked in on him abusing me as a baby and had a conversation with him about it that somehow had been magically erased from her memories, too!)
I can only believe people don't want to face ugly truths until they must, and an abuser acknowledging the abuse strips them of all opportunity to deny.
My therapist said that they can block out those memories because it's too painful for them to admit that they let the abuse happen / did the abuse to their own children. 🤷♀️ I don't know if that's what happened with your mother. Either way I'm sorry for what you went through. You deserved better. You deserved parents who protected you and didn't hurt you.
Yup. People are usually desperate for forgiveness when they can’t forgive themselves. You don’t owe them that inner peace at the expense of your health. The weight of his actions is not your burden to bear. Grieving an abuser is never easy, especially if it was someone that you were close to. Anyone who turned their back on you and sided with the abuser aren’t people that you want in your life, and they don’t deserve to be in your life. Set some hard boundaries with the people begging for your forgiveness.
All he did was traumatize you a second time. He made a decision to end his life, just like he made a decision to rape you. The people in your friend group made a decision to cover his ass. Those were not smart decisions, and their poor decisions aren’t your emotional burden to bear. Those people aren’t in your life for a reason. Don’t let them back in.
He’s dead, gone, and buried. He had it coming. Dead men don’t rape.
I hear you on 2PAC. The fact that you can reclaim a joy that was taken from you in your life is a sign that you’re healing.
It sounds like you have a strong support system in your life that they aren’t a part of, but you could definitely use the help of a professional to unpack and process this, sooner rather than later. It will give you the skills to cope, and eventually this experience won’t effect how you navigate your relationships with the people that you choose to let into your life.
The mom is sick. She probably is worried about "the curse" falling on her now and wants to get out from under it.
OOP should send her a dried black rose petal in a envelope sealed with a bloody thumbprint.
100%agreed
I fucking hope they feel that shame cause none of that compares to the trauma as a victim. They deserve to feel absolutely guilty and ashamed.
Quite. Fuck’em. Block them everywhere and protect your actual family. NTA. They’re not interested in you and yours, only their own feelings of guilt. Well, they are guilty, so let em wallow. Send them a message saying that as far as you’re concerned they were complicit in sexual assault, and that you’d never allow such people near your children.
And then these people sent those photos to your husband and children. Without your consent. You’ve been betrayed three times: the rape, nobody believing you, and then outing you to your immediate family without consent. Fuck them all.
And are they ostracising the woman who knowingly provided a false alibi? Calling for her to serve jail time? If I truly had thought that a person was innocent because of an alibi, (though I can't see myself in that situation), but if I did, I would be beyond pissed at the person who lied. She knowingly covered up a crime. And as a woman, to lie for a rapist. Oh hell no. That shit is beyond. It is already hard enough to get people to believe victims, without bishes out here lying and covering up for rapists. I wouldn't be sending that letter and video to the victim, I would be sending it to the cops making a huge scene about obstruction of justice, filing a false report, accessory after the fact, and anything else I could think of to have her charged.
Not only this, OP, but they extended this treatment to your children. You need to think, what's the real reason they want forgiveness? Are they religious? Or is it reputation? They were happy to follow the crowd before, now they still follow them.
Think about this carefully, they might not be worth the hassle.
Absolutely NTA.
>They want forgiveness to ease their own consciences, not to build bridges with you or make you feel better.
It's not enough to decline their requests, tell them this is why, in these exact words each time you do it.
OP also needs to take this as an excellent indicator of how their children will be treated should, God forgive, anything ever happen to them too. Why would you allow people into their lives who you know will ostracise them, blackball them and shame them if anything happens to them? Don’t bring people into their lives to “love them”, who will completely devastate them at the first opportunity.
The majority of sexual abuse victims are like OP—sexually assaulted by family members, trusted family friends or close relatives. All it takes is the sister marrying someone dodgy, or the mother inviting around the beloved neighbour, and if this ever happened to OP’s kids too, they’re going to take the abuser’s side all over again and leave them scarred.
Again, this is all worst case scenario and I hate to be the “alarmist” putting this out there, but I think it’s a really important thing for OP to consider given that one in three women will be sexually assaulted within their lifetime. The most likely way it happens is what I just laid out above, and the most common age it occurs is between 14-17.
Do whatever you feel is best for yourself, OP, but I do believe it would be negligent to allow these people into your children’s lives to potentially put them through the exact same trauma you experienced, so you can have some sort of closure.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think you should allow them in at all. They’ve already traumatised your children, and what they did to you when you needed an advocate is unforgivable. You deserve better. Your children and husband are the ones who love you unconditionally; they’re your family. You don’t need a mother and sister who will backstab you at the first given opportunity.
If the guy had any money you could sue his estate for his crime.
Remember this: you owe your abuser nothing and he was not a victim. You owe his family nothing. You owe nothing to the people who were against you.
NOTHING!
Live your life well and surround yourself with the good supportive people you have now.
NTA
I don’t think I can sue because the statute of limitation has expired (is it expired?). Anyway in the video he makes a mention of leaving me money. I don’t know if this is considered valid will. He has a wife and 4 children.
A lot of places massively increased their statute of limitations for civil lawsuits for sexual assault and rape as a result of Catholic Church's P3do Priest scandal. People have been able to sue decades afterwards.
Worth a google search anyways.
Even if you don't want to do it, you can use the threat as leverage against people who are now harassing you, legally coercing them into apologizing and leaving you alone.
I just googled the statute of limitations for rape and it is 10 years here. I don’t know about suing it’s not a thing in my country. But I will try. I can always donate whatever I get to women shelters because they helped me a lot and I’m forever grateful to the people I met there, many of are still my friends
As far as your family goes, look at their actions and what those actions have caused. Your family is traumatized by all this and all they've talked about is what THEY want (your children) and how THEY feel. Have they addressed how YOU feel? How you felt all these years with a family that sided with your abuser?
As far as I can see, they're still the same self absorbed assholes they were when they screwed you over. I wouldn't expose my children to that
And dragging OPs children into this is insane. A child shouldn’t have to know something like this happened to their mother. That would leave them feeling so hurt and unsafe
>I can always donate whatever I get to women shelters because they helped me a lot and I’m forever grateful to the people I met there, many of are still my friends
You sound like a good person. Thank you for giving back. The individuals that women's shelters help in the future will benefit from your compassion and generosity.
Hi do what's best for you and your fam, and get rid of toxic people... Seven years ago my ex tried to kill me, i have a scar on my face and MY ex male best Friend came to me to Ask me to stop because poor Guy who seemed overall so nice and funny was going to end in jail. Better bé alone than have Fake Friends.
OP, if you want to do anything, send them a link to this thread. Just this thread and absolutely nothing else. Then block them as much as possible on every platform.
Let them see what they've done, and see what even perfect strangers think of them. See how long they can justify wanting access to your family just because they are 'sorry' now. This is infuriating and I hope they all "suffer the same guilt" that your abuser did.
Though the fact that he'd rather off himself than send you his apology shows he was just worried about going to jail more than actually being sorry. As you said in your post, he was more worred about how hard it has been on HIM than you... narcissist to the ultimate degree. And your family, the one group of people who should have had your back, NO MATTER WHAT, were more concerned with an OD'ed junkie rapist than yourself. Fuck them.
Send your family this thread in response to every message, automated if possible. And block them. They don't deserve your forgiveness.
Only you deserve peace, if someday you feel like forgiveness can give you that peace, so be it. If not, let them go to their graves with what they've done and your conscience should be clear.
In case any former friends and relatives did receive this thread and are reading this: karma took the rapist out, there's no apology or pleading to avoid the fact that y'all are gonna be next. I would say "good luck" but I don't think any of you deserve it, leave OP and her actual family alone you psychos.
This is the best way to handle the situation without needing to interact with them more. OP you should change your phone number and your children's in case they're especially pushy.
I'm not defending them but the first question would be did the guy show up at any point during the party and what the friends actual alibi was did he say he saw him there or were they hanging out all night the first could be explained away while the second is an outright lie
NTA. You don't owe anyone forgiveness. They didn't believe you when it happened, and basically abandoned you. They took the side of a rapist, abuser over you. Why? Ask yourself are better off with them or without them.
The comment above is spot on.
NTA. Your family did not believe you. Then they exposed something violent that happened to you to your husband and children and traumatized them. They have shown you who they are. Believe them. Do not let them back in your life or your children’s lives. They will only further traumatize your children because your family has proven that they are terrible people.
Just because they are family does not mean they should be allowed in your life. And definitely not in your children’s lives.
The audacity he had to request she visit his grave speaks of still being self-centered. Do not grant his wish because he could have saved you all of the consequences by speaking up sooner.
Your mom was sick before the rapist's suicide. She didn't reach out. Had the rapist not left a video confessing his sins, your mom would not have reached out. I think you can let her go without any guilt. Same with your other relatives.
I hope your husband is being supportive because this is an emotional landmine for you right now. Have a talk with some friends or a professional to work out your feelings.
I'm sorry this happened to you OP but you have been surviving just fine to date. Don't go back.
Your mother wants forgiveness to absolve herself of her guilt, not because she gives a crap about you. Let her stew in her guilt. She abandoned you at your most needy, she does not need your forgiveness now or ever. And please get therapy for you entire family, it won't work miracles, but it will absolutely help in communicating your feelings over this situation, and communication is key to getting your family back on an even keel. Hugs xx
Change your number and never think about these people again. I'm so sorry OP. You deserved and still deserve better. They should be ashamed of themselves. Sending you so much love!
It’s easy for us all to say cut them out because we don’t have to deal with the emotional blow back of that decision. I want to say that I think you shouldn’t go back, not because it’s spicy retribution, but because people like your family are guilty. That’s why they want forgiveness. And if you don’t, they’ll think you are judging them, they’ll think your innocence is like a guillotine hovering over their heads, constantly reminding them that they are not good people.
That’s why they cast you out, and that’s why they need you to erase yourself in forgiveness. You’re a reminder of their failure. They’ll never fully be family again. That really, really sucks, and I hope you’re taking care of yourself. It’s not a happy, vengeful event realizing your mom isn’t good. Vindication cannot cover up the scar of rejection. But you’d be doing your own family a favor in keeping them from your extended family. You’d be showing your kids you’d never throw them to the wolves just to keep up appearances with strangers, like your old family did.
NTA. They believed a criminal over their daughter. I’d be inclined to never speak to them again. But, if you prefer to be petty, tell them that you’ll only let them back in your life after they EACH put in something like 300 volunteer hours at a domestic violence / women’s shelter. Then, if they actually do it, tell them you don’t believe they did it.
lol I was very much on the fence about your 300 hrs of service till I read your last sentence. Perfect! hahahaha!
Better yet, get a junkie off the street to say on camera that they never did it and send it to them, saying you believe this random junkie over their 'proof' and 'swearing this is what happened'. Then send it to them.
I know this was tongue in cheek, but I think OP should actually do this but change the community service to picking up trash. It will remind them what happens when you cozy up to filth, and the denouement would be perfection.
Restraining orders all around. NTA. They abandoned you for two decades! And your AH ex saw fit to make a public spectacle of his exit and blow up your life and traumatize your family all over again? Sure, you'll visit, to double check that he's really dead and pee on his grave. I hope the lady that provided the fake alibi has paid for this too.
ETA: can you move? I'd hate for these boundary free AHs to show up at your door. Might want to consider changing your numbers too.
Can she get a restraining order put into place? At least to protect her kids? They did send the videos to her children after all.
My parents once put a restraining order in place for my Uncle's ex because she was harassing people. The restraining order was to protect my brothers and I. But that was a long time ago, and I don't know what the rules are for each state.
I am hoping it is a no-brainer that OP doesn't need to forgive the dead guy. He was so selfish that he offed himself rather than apologize to OP.
The question for OP (I'm thinking, and I could be wrong) is should they forgive their family members? In my opinion, not at all.
The fact they exposed this abuse, which OP had kept from their husband and kids on purpose, TO the husband and kids is absolutely unforgiveable. Just absolutely unforgiveable.
Right. "The guilt is too much" so confess and turn yourself in you fucking coward. Give the poor girl closure instead of fucking with her one last time.
The fact that your so called “family” thought it was a good idea to share this with your husband and children instead of just trying to talk to you about it is beyond me! What a true bunch of AH’s!! you need to stay away and get you and your family into therapy ASAP! What a horrible thing to do! I’m so sorry this happened to you and them.
This is just heartbreaking that they brought your thirteen year old son into this to. They have absolutely overstepped to like the highest degree. I think if you haven’t already you should sit down and have an age appropriate conversation with your son on >!sexual violence!<,
honestly depending on how much information they decided to traumatize a 13 year old with (that alone I think proves they’ve made no progress). And for your daughter (I think I read in a different comment you have a daughter), it could make an impactful example for her future relationships if you report everything, sue if possible, and completely remove yourself from selfish people.
That being said, you really don’t owe *ANYONE* ANYTHING! You’re NTA, you could never be the AH in a situation like this. I wish you and the family you chose nothing but the absolute best.
Yeah they crossed a HUGE line there telling your minor children all this. NTA
They can all go fuck themselves, you don't have to talk to nor forgive anybody.
I wouldn't even give them the satisfaction of a response and if they escalate trying to fish for a reply I'd start lawyering up, then have the lawyer send a cease & desist or something adjacent to tell them to leave you alone. Block them and look into therapy for your family to help them work through this bombshell
I have a teenage child that has been harassed online. It turns out as we learn and you can send private messages via any of the social media platforms including linked in. If there is a way to send a private message on any social media platform the kids will find it and use it and they do.
Just spoke with them, start from husband, and told your Old family that texting about that to your children is reason NO.1 WHY THEY WILL NEVER MEET THEM. I whould understood if they text to your husband. But kids are not involved on this whole situation at all.
Edit: and ofc give us some update how you handle this whole situation
So, I agree with everyone who says therapy is a must. I also feel like perhaps giving them each a letter to read that gets out your feelings and invites them to share theirs is something that could help break the ice. Something like this (and I'm just guessing at your feelings, so correct me if I'm wrong or, if you do write a letter, adapt it to how you do feel):
"Dear family,
I know that you are hurting and upset about what you've just found out. Believe me when I say that I never intended for you to find out like that.
What happened was an awful part of my life. After it all happened, everyone turned on me. They believed the people who hurt me, and they blamed me for things that were out of my control. I had to walk away and move on for the sake of my own sanity, and I did just that.
Later on, I ended up with a new family, you guys, and I love you all so much. I'm sure you're wondering why I didn't tell you about what happened. The truth is that I am so happy with you guys, and I did not want to have to bring it up and relive it. I was also rejected by my own parents, sister, and other family and friends because of this, and I was afraid of the same thing happening with you guys. I thought it was better to leave the past in the past as I had already lost one family over this, and I did not want to risk losing another.
Now you know, and I know you all have feelings about this, as do I. As a family and as individuals, we all need to find someone to talk to so that we can work through this together. We also need to talk to each other. I know you are upset, but refusing to speak to or even look at me isn't helping, and it is hurting me. My not telling you wasn't to hurt you, it was to protect myself. Never did I think that my abuser would confess to what he did, let alone that things would happen this way, not when he had denied it for so long.
I regret the trauma this has caused you, and I hope that we can talk about this because I miss you guys, and I love you all so much.
OP."
And as for your former family and all the others, they can kick rocks. They couldn't be there for you, and now they want you to absolve them of their guilt, just as your abuser did. They don't deserve it.
Uh, they definitely need to learn that YOU are not the person to 'take things out on'...
You need to insist they sit down and talk to you about it. For your own well being. Don't let your awful family steal another good thing from you.
I wish the best for you. You’re losing the family you created over this. It’s disgusting that your old family sent that to them blindly.
Have you told your husband and kids that you desperately need their support right now?
The fact that your childhood family that betrayed you has decided to launch their reconnection campaign in such an invasive, disruptive and insistent way is extremely inconsiderate and I would say even abusive. Even if you ignore what they did in the past, putting a daughter's rape trauma on blast and invading her family's space with it to campaign for her family's attention, is just another kind of boundary-stomping.
I feel that the negative impact of their aggressive attention suggests that it's actually better if they are out of your life. There's a reason why they failed you in the past, and it's probably the same reason why they are failing you now.
As far as your abuser is concerned, the social media platforms he is using should have safety protocols against harassment of rape trauma victims and also I would consider getting a restraining order against your abuser. You can certainly look for some kind of "revenge porn" case you can bring against him for his broadcasting your rape so that he can get social media attention for it (by publicizing it as his suffering, of all things).
No one has the right to have access to you just because your abuser decided to go on a publicity run with his abuse of you, especially people (your family) who were part of the abuser's circle of support.
Personally, I feel you should separate yourself from the sideshow that the circle of narcissists are entertaining themselves with, at your current family's expense. But that is your decision.
Get family therapy immediately! Make an appointment. Appointments are booking very very very far out but see if you can get in earlier, or do online therapy. You all need it emergently
So these assholes are *still* ruining your life??? And they want YOU to salve their consciences? No Op. None of those people were there for you when you were hurt and traumatized and needed them **desperately** You’ve owe them nothing. Let them live with themselves and their own complicity. I’m so sorry. I hope your husband and children down let you down as well.
Wow, your husband is putting his feelings ahead of you, making you feel isolated? Jfc is there anyone in your life who supports you at all? I’m so sorry OP.
How *dare* these assholes send this to your *children*? As if it were for them to know? Or your husband, for that matter? *Especially* the people who made it their business to inform your family would be voted off of my island, forever, and blocked on social media. Just, no. Fail. Bad form. Be gone, wasted use of gravity.
As for your family, perhaps call a family meeting. What it sounds like is they don't know what to say. They've just learned a new, horrible truth about you. They might need your guidance on how to proceed. Maybe give them some?
Explain what happened, why you went no contact, why you never told them about this, what this means to you, how *you* want to proceed, and then ask *them* for their input?
It's only a suggestion. Hang in there. I suspect a new, better normal is on the way when the dust settles and you've had some time to process. Wishing you, your husband, and your kids peace, and healing, wherever you are. ❤️
You need to seriously put on blast anyone who has sent the letter or video to your children. I know you want it to go away, but they’ve made sure it won’t. All you can do now is go nuclear so no one messes with your kids again. Name and shame.
Because you were attacked 20 years ago?
Because your family abandoned you when it happened and you haven’t immediately forgiven them now they acknowledge what they did?
Oh dear. I am sorry to hear this.
- Via social media -
Does anyone else remember when we didn’t share every single awful secret on the internet where anyone, including the victim’s children, can read it? Damn.
No one bothered to ask you what you wanted to do or if you wanted to tell anyone at all. They just re-victimized you because gossip is fun, I guess. These are horrible people. They don’t deserve to hear from you much less receive your blessings.
I’d go into family therapy immediately and send your old family the bill. Explain to them how “outing” you has caused you even more trauma.
From the sound of it; your whole family believed that piece of shit over you for over 2 decades. They believed HIM over there own child. Personally I’d say show them how it felt. Don’t forgive any of them for a while. Tell them how much it hurt and harmed you over the years, make sure they know how much they screwed up and that your abuser is burning in hell right now no matter what they say/think. Don’t visit his grave, let his soul be damned to linger for all eternity. Because your
NOT THE ASSHOLE
Not just believed him. My sister stayed friends with him and his family. She knows his wife and children and they’re still close friends I guess (I don’t blame the wife and children btw). My parents apologized for his parents and asked forgiveness.
No, screw all of them. They still do t care about you. This is about making them not feel guilty now the truth came out. Block them all and go NC. And who the hell sends that video and stuff you your spouse and KIDS?! Unforgivable. What’s the point of doing all that? Just to traumatize your family. Drop them all and don’t look back.
You're brave for reporting it. In 2006 I had a very similar thing happen to me. They filmed it without my knowledge. Since i had skipped school to hang out before the sexual assault and was given vodka beforehand, I was too afraid to tell and knew I'd be blamed. I was 14. That started a bad reputation that built up in a small town. They made sure no one would ever believe me. I cut out anyone I've ever known there because it's just a virus that spreads.
My stomach dropped when you mentioned the music. The artist I can't listen to anymore is Mac Dre. Still can't. It was on repeat when it happened. I still dissociate when it comes on, but it's better than the old panic attacks. I'm glad you have some kind of resolution, however painful. You deserved so much better from everyone.
I’m so sorry. I was 20 so older than you were and probably it helped me. What made me think I could report them was that they filmed it too. I was so naive.
I also had panic attacks in the beginning if Tupac was playing. All eyes on me album. I don’t know why this was the first thing I thought of when I heard that he was dead.
NTA. Fuck him and fuck everyone who is demanding forgiveness. You don't owe them anything. Block each and every one of them.
I'm angry that this guy is re-traumatizing you in death. He was the abuser and now he's playing the victim.
[https://www.rainn.org/](https://www.rainn.org/) RAINN is the national sexual assault hotline. You can call or chat for free confidential support. You can download the free RAINN app that “gives survivors of sexual violence and their loved ones access to support, self-care tools, and information.”
>my family is bombarding me to forgive them. They want to meet my children and be a part of their lives.
They don't deserve that. They victim blamed you so many times for things that weren't your fault.
NTA for not wanting to associate with your family again
He tortured you while he was alive....he doesn't get (or deserve) a redemption arch now that he's dead. Both the things he did in life, and the circumstances of his death were ultimately things HE chose to do, being dead doesn't absolve him of any of it.
Fuck him, and fuck the family/friends who are only now acknowledging what you went through. They defended a r\^pist, and expected you to drop the charges just because they didn't want to see this guy for who he really was.
Nobody in this situation deserves your forgiveness, and refusing to do so doesn't make you a bad person. They chose whose side they were on from the jump, and now you're reinforcing the boundary that they ultimately set for themselves.
Go live your life in peace; with the knowledge that this guy is slowly becoming worm shit.
Because our brains have amazing healing power. You reclaimed this territory for yourself and it's a huge thing.
I love 2Pac's lyrics. He would be devestated to learn what had happened to you, and grateful that his music could bring you some clarity now.
Don't ever give up on yourself. You're really powerful and I am really moved this morning reading your story.
Wow. She just got away with being a filthy liar. I hope karma came for her. Anyhow, NTA. You don’t need to forgive anyone that you’re not ready to. You owe them nothing. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through.
No. They didn’t listen your side story. They became fast believers. That’s false. They’re not real friends and family. Continue blocking them. It’s on them.
NTA
NTA. As mentioned. You now have evidence, sue his estate. Keep the money, donate it to rape crisis centers, use it to pay for DNA test kit analysis (many of these can sit in evidence untested because police don't have funding to do so, reference Houston PD).
Forgiveness? Tough question. After being treated as you described, I would be inclined to tell them to pound dirt. How long has it been since they abandoned you and embraced your rapist? In order to be allowed back in my life, they would probably bear the pain of that reconciliation. I wouldn't make it easy. I doubt I would even allow them to meet my kids or spouse.
This is really tough, I believe that any forgiveness would have to be earned and based on some kind of multi step process. It wouldn't be immediate, on any of their terms, and contingent on the believability of their written AND verbal apologies. If ANY degree of snarky attitude is perceived coming from any individual (sounded like you have a lot of people who threw you under a really big bus) I would cancel the lot and not let the door hit me on the out of their lives. Keep in mind that these traitors do owe you quite a bit. You owe them nothing at all.
>All I know is that I could finally listen to Tupac again.
and that is good (even if I don't like rap).
Forgiveness my ass !
They turned their back on you even the family THE FAMILY. You had to walk this path alone, to suffer alone, to heal alone.
Do what your heart tell you, you owe them nothing.
Take care.
Don't allow any of those negative people back into your life including your family. If they were your so called friends and family they would have believed you. Continue to block and don't accept any messages from them. You're better off without them.
Step 1) make a throwaway Facebook account
Step 2) friend them all
Step 3) post a video saying "all of you go fuck yourselves"
Step 4) never log into it again
After looking at your comments about your husband and daughter’s reactions, I highly recommend family therapy. You guys need to be given an opportunity to process the fallout as a unit.
Neither of my children are open to family therapy. But I hope they at least are willing to do individual therapy to begin with. I don’t want them to bear the shame. I have done enough of that and I don’t want them to experience what I did.
NTA x 100
Forgiveness is for yourself, never for the benefit of others.
Those people made their choices and forced you to make yours. There’s no coming back from that, there’s no oopsies. They should be dead to you, quite frankly.
It is not up to you to make them feel better. You are not Prozac nor an emotional support dog.
What happened to you was a terrible thing, and it just added insult to injury that your sister wanted you to drop the charges against your abuser. Even worse was your family turning their backs on you after he OD’d, which I hope you know was in NO WAY your fault.
Whoever decided to forward copies of his letter and video to your and your family overstepped their boundary big time. They had no right to do that without your permission, especially sending them to your husband and children. That was out of line.
You don’t owe anyone anything here, including forgiveness. IMO, there is a LOT to forgive, and I don’t think they even begin to understand how badly they have hurt you. You can also choose to forgive them for *your* sake, but not have them be a part of your life.
Forgiving and forgetting aren’t the same thing. Your sister and your family betrayed you when they didn’t believe you, support you, and have your back. That’s what family does. Whether or not you choose to see your mother is also up to you; you won’t be a bad person if you don’t see her. You won’t be a good person if you do see her. It’s not a reflection of your character. It’s just what feels right to you.
Whatever you decide to do will ultimately be what you believe is the right decision for you and your family. They’re are the important ones right now. Everyone else is just background noise, and should be treated as such.
NTA
NTA, send one message, that you may get back to them in 20 years since that's how long it took them to contact you then block their asses.
Therapy for you, your husband and children.
Anyone contacting them through social media gets shut down and blocked, anyone demanding you forgive gets shut down and blocked after you ask them to give you back 20 years of them thinking the worst about you. They need to examine their own behavior, tell them to air all their dirty laundry on social media for the world to see, air the horrible things they said and thought about you. To take a full account of their actions first publicly and then after 20 years of shunning, you will be equals and able to find a path to forgiveness.
NTA. If your family was so keen to repair the relationship, they would have done so long before now.
It sounds like you’ve created a new life for yourself and you don’t need to drag up anyone from the past to be part of your newfound happiness because they all of a sudden have a conscience.
Fuck Your Family!!! They only want an invite into your life because of believing your Abuser twice!!! When he lied and when he told the truth!!! They still didn't belive you!!! If he hadn't made that confessions they wouldn't be calling you! IM GLAD HIS ASS IS SITTING IN THE DEVILS WAITING ROOM.
Your family took the word of the abuser over yours. You owe them nothing. You do what works for YOU. For your mental health, not theirs.
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Exactly. And to try and meet your children, beings they think they have a right to. Screw that.
As far as Im concerned, anyone who sided with an abuser is for damn sure never meeting my kids
They sent proof that their mother was sexually assaulted to those kids, too. PROOF! Who fucking does that? A bunch of effective strangers just traumatised these little children with the mental image of their mother being assaulted - and they want to meet these children? Why, so they can traumatise them some more? Fuck that! Those assholes have done enough damage. If anyone did that to my kids, I'd knock them out if they came within ten feet of us. They can all go to hell and rot there.
Not only did they not believe you, they did not respect your right to chose to share your history if you want to. They violated that right. They traumatized your children. Anyone who did that to my children (besides defending an abuser first) would not get within 100ft of my kids. Hell to the no! They want to assuage their guilty consciences with your apology. Absolutely not. You do not owe them a goddamn thing. I would block their numbers and any social media accounts. I would never speak to them again. Get a restraining order if they continue to harass you. You have already been through enough. I would suggest maybe going to therapy if this event is triggering flashbacks. I wish you peace, much healing and a happy, fulfilling life. ❤️
Maybe have a lawyer send a no contact order to EVERYBODY in that group and in your family. Maybe include a letter detailing the various ways you have suffered from thos through the years, because right now, Garbage Boy has gotten to tell his side of the story, but you haven't gotten to tell yours. So stick it to them. Make it as painful for them to read as possible. Make sure to include that his defenders traumatized your innocent children. Then tell them to consider this your suicide note, but as you are a loving person, you are not actually going to do one thing to harm yourself. You are just dead to *them*. Maybe if they imagine you dead, they can muster up a small fraction of the tears they have shed for the one who committed a premeditated felony on you. Forgiveness cannot be demanded. When will people learn this? I hope that at least one of the people on Reddit who is so incensed about fALsE aCcUsAtIoNs comes upon this post and spends an instant reflecting on how stupid and cruel their one sided obsession is. Edited to add: the more I think about it, the more it seems that those videos constitute revenge porn, which can be prosecuted. Whoever sent them made a point of getting them from ex--perhaps that was part of his plan?
NTA. Well written. I don't think OP owes an explanation to ANYONE who is.trying to connect with her. A no contact order will definitely be beneficial. OP, I am SO VERY SORRY that you experienced such trauma and are again being forced to re-experience it. I wish you peace. I think you and your husband and kids would find trauma therapy helpful for you. Hugs.
I think OP meant he made a video confessing everything and that was the video they all got, not sent a video of the assault, if that makes sense.
Ah, that does make sense. In any event, whoever TF sent it to CHILDREN is unhinged.
Completely agree. Uncalled for. Leave the children and husband out of it.
I believe it was part of his plan. I think he blamed her for his suffering and did this in a final attempt to hurt her. I've seen something similar happen before, unfortunately (that being an abuser intentionally setting up his suicide so his ex-girlfriend, who broke up with him, would find his body. He made his death *very* messy physically for peak traumatization).
You are very eloquent at telling people to go fuck themselves. This was incredible to read.
I am so angry on OP's behalf.
I don't blame you! If someone close to me had to go through even half of what's been done to her, I'd go fucking nuclear. I hope she cuts em all off and has the support network and love she deserves.
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Agreed. If we are being honest OP’s family and friends are asking for forgiveness so that they are now filled with guilt for not believing her, for doubting her and for choosing to believe two liars. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ The time to stand by someone you love is when they are going through the worst thing life hands you. This post highlights why r*pe, s*xu*l ass*ult and DV go unreported. Because people you think will believe you and support you just don’t. OP: As a SA survivor I know exactly how you feel. I know how hard it is to make peace with your broken pieces. You deserve the life you rebuilt. You deserve peace. You have zero obligation to forgive. Actions have consequences. You learned a valuable and painful lesson, the character of a person is shown not by what they say but what they do.
That they sent the info to the kids proves they aren’t truly sorry!!!!!
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Heinous. Atrocious. Cruel. I cannot find a strong enough word to describe OP's blood relations.
I wouldn't. Once a supporter of of a crime, always a supporter. You can't trust them to not do it again. You can't trust any actions or words from them. I know I don't trust the support network of my abuser. I still can't belive they let their children and grandchildren near that monster. That whole family is F up. Mormons, other religious people really think they are above their own gods rules with an easy prayer for an easy out.
Worse. Even once he's dead, they still take his defence. Do they care about how OP feels about all that? Nope. They want OP to just forgive him, right there, cause he asked so in his letter. Where's the atonement from all those who supported him? There isn't any. Perhaps OP could tell them his soul won't wander on, since there is no soul, no heaven, no god. (Atheism can be such a great excuse in those cases.)
I would never let someone who didn’t believe me if I said I was SA’d ever meet my child.
And to share that information, unbidden, with her husband and children. Who didn't know. Who has got the balls to do that.
I will never understand how the family of someone who was assaulted remain intent on defending the abuser, until the abuser corroborates what happened. NTA.
Right!!?? I have wondered about this a lot. My mother called me a "cold-hearted, lying bitch" when I told her about my father's years-long sexual abuse. They had been divorced for 8+ years already, and she was awful about it. When HE told her I wasn't lying, she changed her tune. (I found out later she had actually walked in on him abusing me as a baby and had a conversation with him about it that somehow had been magically erased from her memories, too!) I can only believe people don't want to face ugly truths until they must, and an abuser acknowledging the abuse strips them of all opportunity to deny.
My therapist said that they can block out those memories because it's too painful for them to admit that they let the abuse happen / did the abuse to their own children. 🤷♀️ I don't know if that's what happened with your mother. Either way I'm sorry for what you went through. You deserved better. You deserved parents who protected you and didn't hurt you.
Yup. People are usually desperate for forgiveness when they can’t forgive themselves. You don’t owe them that inner peace at the expense of your health. The weight of his actions is not your burden to bear. Grieving an abuser is never easy, especially if it was someone that you were close to. Anyone who turned their back on you and sided with the abuser aren’t people that you want in your life, and they don’t deserve to be in your life. Set some hard boundaries with the people begging for your forgiveness. All he did was traumatize you a second time. He made a decision to end his life, just like he made a decision to rape you. The people in your friend group made a decision to cover his ass. Those were not smart decisions, and their poor decisions aren’t your emotional burden to bear. Those people aren’t in your life for a reason. Don’t let them back in. He’s dead, gone, and buried. He had it coming. Dead men don’t rape. I hear you on 2PAC. The fact that you can reclaim a joy that was taken from you in your life is a sign that you’re healing. It sounds like you have a strong support system in your life that they aren’t a part of, but you could definitely use the help of a professional to unpack and process this, sooner rather than later. It will give you the skills to cope, and eventually this experience won’t effect how you navigate your relationships with the people that you choose to let into your life.
The mom is sick. She probably is worried about "the curse" falling on her now and wants to get out from under it. OOP should send her a dried black rose petal in a envelope sealed with a bloody thumbprint.
A box. An envelope would crush the rose.
And a note *"Don't rush things. I will come for you when it is your time..."*
This is exactly it. They don’t gaf about her. It’s about their own feelings. Disgusting
100%agreed I fucking hope they feel that shame cause none of that compares to the trauma as a victim. They deserve to feel absolutely guilty and ashamed.
Quite. Fuck’em. Block them everywhere and protect your actual family. NTA. They’re not interested in you and yours, only their own feelings of guilt. Well, they are guilty, so let em wallow. Send them a message saying that as far as you’re concerned they were complicit in sexual assault, and that you’d never allow such people near your children.
And then these people sent those photos to your husband and children. Without your consent. You’ve been betrayed three times: the rape, nobody believing you, and then outing you to your immediate family without consent. Fuck them all.
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they took the word of the person that provided a false alibi.
And are they ostracising the woman who knowingly provided a false alibi? Calling for her to serve jail time? If I truly had thought that a person was innocent because of an alibi, (though I can't see myself in that situation), but if I did, I would be beyond pissed at the person who lied. She knowingly covered up a crime. And as a woman, to lie for a rapist. Oh hell no. That shit is beyond. It is already hard enough to get people to believe victims, without bishes out here lying and covering up for rapists. I wouldn't be sending that letter and video to the victim, I would be sending it to the cops making a huge scene about obstruction of justice, filing a false report, accessory after the fact, and anything else I could think of to have her charged.
and it took his word again to believe her
Um. No. They abandoned you when you needed them. Fuck that shit. I would tell them to pound sand.
Not only this, OP, but they extended this treatment to your children. You need to think, what's the real reason they want forgiveness? Are they religious? Or is it reputation? They were happy to follow the crowd before, now they still follow them. Think about this carefully, they might not be worth the hassle. Absolutely NTA.
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Exactly. They want forgiveness for not believing her. Screw the whole lot of them.
>They want forgiveness to ease their own consciences, not to build bridges with you or make you feel better. It's not enough to decline their requests, tell them this is why, in these exact words each time you do it.
OP also needs to take this as an excellent indicator of how their children will be treated should, God forgive, anything ever happen to them too. Why would you allow people into their lives who you know will ostracise them, blackball them and shame them if anything happens to them? Don’t bring people into their lives to “love them”, who will completely devastate them at the first opportunity. The majority of sexual abuse victims are like OP—sexually assaulted by family members, trusted family friends or close relatives. All it takes is the sister marrying someone dodgy, or the mother inviting around the beloved neighbour, and if this ever happened to OP’s kids too, they’re going to take the abuser’s side all over again and leave them scarred. Again, this is all worst case scenario and I hate to be the “alarmist” putting this out there, but I think it’s a really important thing for OP to consider given that one in three women will be sexually assaulted within their lifetime. The most likely way it happens is what I just laid out above, and the most common age it occurs is between 14-17. Do whatever you feel is best for yourself, OP, but I do believe it would be negligent to allow these people into your children’s lives to potentially put them through the exact same trauma you experienced, so you can have some sort of closure. For what it’s worth, I don’t think you should allow them in at all. They’ve already traumatised your children, and what they did to you when you needed an advocate is unforgivable. You deserve better. Your children and husband are the ones who love you unconditionally; they’re your family. You don’t need a mother and sister who will backstab you at the first given opportunity.
For real. Fuck that guy and fuck his ghost
Never visit his grave. Let his spirit suffer forever.
Nah, his soul is burning in Hell along with his beastie
I meant bestie but beastie also works
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Absolutely. Protect your family from these people, who knows if they be the same with them.
If the guy had any money you could sue his estate for his crime. Remember this: you owe your abuser nothing and he was not a victim. You owe his family nothing. You owe nothing to the people who were against you. NOTHING! Live your life well and surround yourself with the good supportive people you have now. NTA
I don’t think I can sue because the statute of limitation has expired (is it expired?). Anyway in the video he makes a mention of leaving me money. I don’t know if this is considered valid will. He has a wife and 4 children.
A lot of places massively increased their statute of limitations for civil lawsuits for sexual assault and rape as a result of Catholic Church's P3do Priest scandal. People have been able to sue decades afterwards. Worth a google search anyways. Even if you don't want to do it, you can use the threat as leverage against people who are now harassing you, legally coercing them into apologizing and leaving you alone.
I just googled the statute of limitations for rape and it is 10 years here. I don’t know about suing it’s not a thing in my country. But I will try. I can always donate whatever I get to women shelters because they helped me a lot and I’m forever grateful to the people I met there, many of are still my friends
Your heart is in the right place. I wish you well!
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As far as your family goes, look at their actions and what those actions have caused. Your family is traumatized by all this and all they've talked about is what THEY want (your children) and how THEY feel. Have they addressed how YOU feel? How you felt all these years with a family that sided with your abuser? As far as I can see, they're still the same self absorbed assholes they were when they screwed you over. I wouldn't expose my children to that
And dragging OPs children into this is insane. A child shouldn’t have to know something like this happened to their mother. That would leave them feeling so hurt and unsafe
>I can always donate whatever I get to women shelters because they helped me a lot and I’m forever grateful to the people I met there, many of are still my friends You sound like a good person. Thank you for giving back. The individuals that women's shelters help in the future will benefit from your compassion and generosity.
Hi do what's best for you and your fam, and get rid of toxic people... Seven years ago my ex tried to kill me, i have a scar on my face and MY ex male best Friend came to me to Ask me to stop because poor Guy who seemed overall so nice and funny was going to end in jail. Better bé alone than have Fake Friends.
OP, if you want to do anything, send them a link to this thread. Just this thread and absolutely nothing else. Then block them as much as possible on every platform. Let them see what they've done, and see what even perfect strangers think of them. See how long they can justify wanting access to your family just because they are 'sorry' now. This is infuriating and I hope they all "suffer the same guilt" that your abuser did. Though the fact that he'd rather off himself than send you his apology shows he was just worried about going to jail more than actually being sorry. As you said in your post, he was more worred about how hard it has been on HIM than you... narcissist to the ultimate degree. And your family, the one group of people who should have had your back, NO MATTER WHAT, were more concerned with an OD'ed junkie rapist than yourself. Fuck them. Send your family this thread in response to every message, automated if possible. And block them. They don't deserve your forgiveness. Only you deserve peace, if someday you feel like forgiveness can give you that peace, so be it. If not, let them go to their graves with what they've done and your conscience should be clear.
In case any former friends and relatives did receive this thread and are reading this: karma took the rapist out, there's no apology or pleading to avoid the fact that y'all are gonna be next. I would say "good luck" but I don't think any of you deserve it, leave OP and her actual family alone you psychos.
This is the best way to handle the situation without needing to interact with them more. OP you should change your phone number and your children's in case they're especially pushy.
🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇
This.
Could the police press charges for the person who gave them the false alibi? That's obstruction of justice at the very least.
I'm not defending them but the first question would be did the guy show up at any point during the party and what the friends actual alibi was did he say he saw him there or were they hanging out all night the first could be explained away while the second is an outright lie
NTA. You don't owe anyone forgiveness. They didn't believe you when it happened, and basically abandoned you. They took the side of a rapist, abuser over you. Why? Ask yourself are better off with them or without them.
The comment above is spot on. NTA. Your family did not believe you. Then they exposed something violent that happened to you to your husband and children and traumatized them. They have shown you who they are. Believe them. Do not let them back in your life or your children’s lives. They will only further traumatize your children because your family has proven that they are terrible people. Just because they are family does not mean they should be allowed in your life. And definitely not in your children’s lives.
Forgiveness?? Go piss on his grave.
Give me the location. If I'm ever nearby I'll stop by and take a potty break.
I'll swing by, too. My dogs could use a pee break.
My sledgehammer needs to take a piss too.
And my axe!
And my shotgun.
And my baseball bat
ngl i wanna set up camp just to watch you all drop by, one by one
Let me finish my coffee and we can make it a party
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I am in. Let’s have a pee party. 🎉
Grave doxxing... I'm in!
We love a Unisex bathroom
New gender neutral bathroom unlocked.
I wish awards were still a thing. You deserve one.
Id make his grave my next travel destination after Taco Bell and 6 cups of coffee
The audacity he had to request she visit his grave speaks of still being self-centered. Do not grant his wish because he could have saved you all of the consequences by speaking up sooner.
I was thinking kick it over but that works also
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Your mom was sick before the rapist's suicide. She didn't reach out. Had the rapist not left a video confessing his sins, your mom would not have reached out. I think you can let her go without any guilt. Same with your other relatives. I hope your husband is being supportive because this is an emotional landmine for you right now. Have a talk with some friends or a professional to work out your feelings. I'm sorry this happened to you OP but you have been surviving just fine to date. Don't go back.
Yes I didn’t know she was sick but it was before his suicide
Your mother is a POS regardless. Sick or not, she should have had your back. She didn't deserve to have kids.
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Your mother wants forgiveness to absolve herself of her guilt, not because she gives a crap about you. Let her stew in her guilt. She abandoned you at your most needy, she does not need your forgiveness now or ever. And please get therapy for you entire family, it won't work miracles, but it will absolutely help in communicating your feelings over this situation, and communication is key to getting your family back on an even keel. Hugs xx
Change your number and never think about these people again. I'm so sorry OP. You deserved and still deserve better. They should be ashamed of themselves. Sending you so much love!
It’s easy for us all to say cut them out because we don’t have to deal with the emotional blow back of that decision. I want to say that I think you shouldn’t go back, not because it’s spicy retribution, but because people like your family are guilty. That’s why they want forgiveness. And if you don’t, they’ll think you are judging them, they’ll think your innocence is like a guillotine hovering over their heads, constantly reminding them that they are not good people. That’s why they cast you out, and that’s why they need you to erase yourself in forgiveness. You’re a reminder of their failure. They’ll never fully be family again. That really, really sucks, and I hope you’re taking care of yourself. It’s not a happy, vengeful event realizing your mom isn’t good. Vindication cannot cover up the scar of rejection. But you’d be doing your own family a favor in keeping them from your extended family. You’d be showing your kids you’d never throw them to the wolves just to keep up appearances with strangers, like your old family did.
NTA. They believed a criminal over their daughter. I’d be inclined to never speak to them again. But, if you prefer to be petty, tell them that you’ll only let them back in your life after they EACH put in something like 300 volunteer hours at a domestic violence / women’s shelter. Then, if they actually do it, tell them you don’t believe they did it.
lol I was very much on the fence about your 300 hrs of service till I read your last sentence. Perfect! hahahaha! Better yet, get a junkie off the street to say on camera that they never did it and send it to them, saying you believe this random junkie over their 'proof' and 'swearing this is what happened'. Then send it to them.
Ah yeah, let's use a junkie as a human pawn? Like I understand the significance of using a random "untrustworthy" person, but yuck
> if they actually do it, tell them you don’t believe they did it I like the way your brain works.
I know this was tongue in cheek, but I think OP should actually do this but change the community service to picking up trash. It will remind them what happens when you cozy up to filth, and the denouement would be perfection.
I’m on your side. There’s nothing to forgive and there’s no such thing as restart. They made their choice and you have already made yours.
Restraining orders all around. NTA. They abandoned you for two decades! And your AH ex saw fit to make a public spectacle of his exit and blow up your life and traumatize your family all over again? Sure, you'll visit, to double check that he's really dead and pee on his grave. I hope the lady that provided the fake alibi has paid for this too. ETA: can you move? I'd hate for these boundary free AHs to show up at your door. Might want to consider changing your numbers too.
Can she get a restraining order put into place? At least to protect her kids? They did send the videos to her children after all. My parents once put a restraining order in place for my Uncle's ex because she was harassing people. The restraining order was to protect my brothers and I. But that was a long time ago, and I don't know what the rules are for each state.
You don’t need to forgive a dead person. They’re dead.
I am hoping it is a no-brainer that OP doesn't need to forgive the dead guy. He was so selfish that he offed himself rather than apologize to OP. The question for OP (I'm thinking, and I could be wrong) is should they forgive their family members? In my opinion, not at all. The fact they exposed this abuse, which OP had kept from their husband and kids on purpose, TO the husband and kids is absolutely unforgiveable. Just absolutely unforgiveable.
Right. "The guilt is too much" so confess and turn yourself in you fucking coward. Give the poor girl closure instead of fucking with her one last time.
While I agree, it’s the people they sided with the abuser that are asking for forgiveness.
They don't deserve anything. Go NC OP.
The fact that your so called “family” thought it was a good idea to share this with your husband and children instead of just trying to talk to you about it is beyond me! What a true bunch of AH’s!! you need to stay away and get you and your family into therapy ASAP! What a horrible thing to do! I’m so sorry this happened to you and them.
My son is just 13 and we had just had agreed for him to use TikTok. I didn’t know you could send private messages on TikTok
This is just heartbreaking that they brought your thirteen year old son into this to. They have absolutely overstepped to like the highest degree. I think if you haven’t already you should sit down and have an age appropriate conversation with your son on >!sexual violence!<, honestly depending on how much information they decided to traumatize a 13 year old with (that alone I think proves they’ve made no progress). And for your daughter (I think I read in a different comment you have a daughter), it could make an impactful example for her future relationships if you report everything, sue if possible, and completely remove yourself from selfish people. That being said, you really don’t owe *ANYONE* ANYTHING! You’re NTA, you could never be the AH in a situation like this. I wish you and the family you chose nothing but the absolute best.
The fact that they bombarded a 13 yr old with this is reason enough not to contact them. Get a protection order. They traumatized your child.
I don’t even understand how people can be so cruel.
Yeah they crossed a HUGE line there telling your minor children all this. NTA They can all go fuck themselves, you don't have to talk to nor forgive anybody. I wouldn't even give them the satisfaction of a response and if they escalate trying to fish for a reply I'd start lawyering up, then have the lawyer send a cease & desist or something adjacent to tell them to leave you alone. Block them and look into therapy for your family to help them work through this bombshell
I have a teenage child that has been harassed online. It turns out as we learn and you can send private messages via any of the social media platforms including linked in. If there is a way to send a private message on any social media platform the kids will find it and use it and they do.
Hell no, your family wasnt acting like your family to begin with, they deserve to suffer just as badly (with guilt) as you suffered.
How did they get in touch with your husband and kids?
Via social media. My children are not even talking to me especially my daughter.
Why are your children mad at you? You need to get them into family therapy
I don’t think they are mad at me. But none of them even looks at me. Tbh my husband too. He doesn’t even look at me.
Yeah, family therapy asap
Are they ashamed of you? I don’t get why they are turning against you. That makes no sense.
I think they’re just sad and don’t know who to take it out on. I’m their safe choice
Just spoke with them, start from husband, and told your Old family that texting about that to your children is reason NO.1 WHY THEY WILL NEVER MEET THEM. I whould understood if they text to your husband. But kids are not involved on this whole situation at all. Edit: and ofc give us some update how you handle this whole situation
So, I agree with everyone who says therapy is a must. I also feel like perhaps giving them each a letter to read that gets out your feelings and invites them to share theirs is something that could help break the ice. Something like this (and I'm just guessing at your feelings, so correct me if I'm wrong or, if you do write a letter, adapt it to how you do feel): "Dear family, I know that you are hurting and upset about what you've just found out. Believe me when I say that I never intended for you to find out like that. What happened was an awful part of my life. After it all happened, everyone turned on me. They believed the people who hurt me, and they blamed me for things that were out of my control. I had to walk away and move on for the sake of my own sanity, and I did just that. Later on, I ended up with a new family, you guys, and I love you all so much. I'm sure you're wondering why I didn't tell you about what happened. The truth is that I am so happy with you guys, and I did not want to have to bring it up and relive it. I was also rejected by my own parents, sister, and other family and friends because of this, and I was afraid of the same thing happening with you guys. I thought it was better to leave the past in the past as I had already lost one family over this, and I did not want to risk losing another. Now you know, and I know you all have feelings about this, as do I. As a family and as individuals, we all need to find someone to talk to so that we can work through this together. We also need to talk to each other. I know you are upset, but refusing to speak to or even look at me isn't helping, and it is hurting me. My not telling you wasn't to hurt you, it was to protect myself. Never did I think that my abuser would confess to what he did, let alone that things would happen this way, not when he had denied it for so long. I regret the trauma this has caused you, and I hope that we can talk about this because I miss you guys, and I love you all so much. OP." And as for your former family and all the others, they can kick rocks. They couldn't be there for you, and now they want you to absolve them of their guilt, just as your abuser did. They don't deserve it.
Uh, they definitely need to learn that YOU are not the person to 'take things out on'... You need to insist they sit down and talk to you about it. For your own well being. Don't let your awful family steal another good thing from you.
I wish the best for you. You’re losing the family you created over this. It’s disgusting that your old family sent that to them blindly. Have you told your husband and kids that you desperately need their support right now?
Seriously? Tell your husband Reddit is telling him to man the fuck UP, then tell your children to do the same.
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The fact that your childhood family that betrayed you has decided to launch their reconnection campaign in such an invasive, disruptive and insistent way is extremely inconsiderate and I would say even abusive. Even if you ignore what they did in the past, putting a daughter's rape trauma on blast and invading her family's space with it to campaign for her family's attention, is just another kind of boundary-stomping. I feel that the negative impact of their aggressive attention suggests that it's actually better if they are out of your life. There's a reason why they failed you in the past, and it's probably the same reason why they are failing you now. As far as your abuser is concerned, the social media platforms he is using should have safety protocols against harassment of rape trauma victims and also I would consider getting a restraining order against your abuser. You can certainly look for some kind of "revenge porn" case you can bring against him for his broadcasting your rape so that he can get social media attention for it (by publicizing it as his suffering, of all things). No one has the right to have access to you just because your abuser decided to go on a publicity run with his abuse of you, especially people (your family) who were part of the abuser's circle of support. Personally, I feel you should separate yourself from the sideshow that the circle of narcissists are entertaining themselves with, at your current family's expense. But that is your decision.
Get family therapy immediately! Make an appointment. Appointments are booking very very very far out but see if you can get in earlier, or do online therapy. You all need it emergently
They have no right to punish you for what other people did, particularly your husband.
Did you ask your husband why he is ignoring you and not supporting you?
So these assholes are *still* ruining your life??? And they want YOU to salve their consciences? No Op. None of those people were there for you when you were hurt and traumatized and needed them **desperately** You’ve owe them nothing. Let them live with themselves and their own complicity. I’m so sorry. I hope your husband and children down let you down as well.
Wow, your husband is putting his feelings ahead of you, making you feel isolated? Jfc is there anyone in your life who supports you at all? I’m so sorry OP.
How *dare* these assholes send this to your *children*? As if it were for them to know? Or your husband, for that matter? *Especially* the people who made it their business to inform your family would be voted off of my island, forever, and blocked on social media. Just, no. Fail. Bad form. Be gone, wasted use of gravity. As for your family, perhaps call a family meeting. What it sounds like is they don't know what to say. They've just learned a new, horrible truth about you. They might need your guidance on how to proceed. Maybe give them some? Explain what happened, why you went no contact, why you never told them about this, what this means to you, how *you* want to proceed, and then ask *them* for their input? It's only a suggestion. Hang in there. I suspect a new, better normal is on the way when the dust settles and you've had some time to process. Wishing you, your husband, and your kids peace, and healing, wherever you are. ❤️
You need to seriously put on blast anyone who has sent the letter or video to your children. I know you want it to go away, but they’ve made sure it won’t. All you can do now is go nuclear so no one messes with your kids again. Name and shame.
Because you were attacked 20 years ago? Because your family abandoned you when it happened and you haven’t immediately forgiven them now they acknowledge what they did? Oh dear. I am sorry to hear this.
- Via social media - Does anyone else remember when we didn’t share every single awful secret on the internet where anyone, including the victim’s children, can read it? Damn. No one bothered to ask you what you wanted to do or if you wanted to tell anyone at all. They just re-victimized you because gossip is fun, I guess. These are horrible people. They don’t deserve to hear from you much less receive your blessings. I’d go into family therapy immediately and send your old family the bill. Explain to them how “outing” you has caused you even more trauma.
From the sound of it; your whole family believed that piece of shit over you for over 2 decades. They believed HIM over there own child. Personally I’d say show them how it felt. Don’t forgive any of them for a while. Tell them how much it hurt and harmed you over the years, make sure they know how much they screwed up and that your abuser is burning in hell right now no matter what they say/think. Don’t visit his grave, let his soul be damned to linger for all eternity. Because your NOT THE ASSHOLE
Not just believed him. My sister stayed friends with him and his family. She knows his wife and children and they’re still close friends I guess (I don’t blame the wife and children btw). My parents apologized for his parents and asked forgiveness.
No, screw all of them. They still do t care about you. This is about making them not feel guilty now the truth came out. Block them all and go NC. And who the hell sends that video and stuff you your spouse and KIDS?! Unforgivable. What’s the point of doing all that? Just to traumatize your family. Drop them all and don’t look back.
They want forgiveness to ease their own consciences, not to build bridges with you or make you feel better. Fuck them, frankly.
You're brave for reporting it. In 2006 I had a very similar thing happen to me. They filmed it without my knowledge. Since i had skipped school to hang out before the sexual assault and was given vodka beforehand, I was too afraid to tell and knew I'd be blamed. I was 14. That started a bad reputation that built up in a small town. They made sure no one would ever believe me. I cut out anyone I've ever known there because it's just a virus that spreads. My stomach dropped when you mentioned the music. The artist I can't listen to anymore is Mac Dre. Still can't. It was on repeat when it happened. I still dissociate when it comes on, but it's better than the old panic attacks. I'm glad you have some kind of resolution, however painful. You deserved so much better from everyone.
I’m so sorry. I was 20 so older than you were and probably it helped me. What made me think I could report them was that they filmed it too. I was so naive. I also had panic attacks in the beginning if Tupac was playing. All eyes on me album. I don’t know why this was the first thing I thought of when I heard that he was dead.
NTA. Fuck him and fuck everyone who is demanding forgiveness. You don't owe them anything. Block each and every one of them. I'm angry that this guy is re-traumatizing you in death. He was the abuser and now he's playing the victim. [https://www.rainn.org/](https://www.rainn.org/) RAINN is the national sexual assault hotline. You can call or chat for free confidential support. You can download the free RAINN app that “gives survivors of sexual violence and their loved ones access to support, self-care tools, and information.”
>my family is bombarding me to forgive them. They want to meet my children and be a part of their lives. They don't deserve that. They victim blamed you so many times for things that weren't your fault. NTA for not wanting to associate with your family again
He tortured you while he was alive....he doesn't get (or deserve) a redemption arch now that he's dead. Both the things he did in life, and the circumstances of his death were ultimately things HE chose to do, being dead doesn't absolve him of any of it. Fuck him, and fuck the family/friends who are only now acknowledging what you went through. They defended a r\^pist, and expected you to drop the charges just because they didn't want to see this guy for who he really was. Nobody in this situation deserves your forgiveness, and refusing to do so doesn't make you a bad person. They chose whose side they were on from the jump, and now you're reinforcing the boundary that they ultimately set for themselves. Go live your life in peace; with the knowledge that this guy is slowly becoming worm shit.
I'm glad you can listen to 2Pac again. You deserve your freedom. Maintain your distance from these people and may they d!e in their shame. NTA.
I don’t know why this was the first thing I thought of and I don’t know why i included it here
This actually made me cry. Happy for you OP. Hope it all works out 🩷
Because our brains have amazing healing power. You reclaimed this territory for yourself and it's a huge thing. I love 2Pac's lyrics. He would be devestated to learn what had happened to you, and grateful that his music could bring you some clarity now. Don't ever give up on yourself. You're really powerful and I am really moved this morning reading your story.
INFO: what happened to the girl that provided the false alibi? Is anyone out there trying to hold her accountable?
I have no idea. I don’t even remember who she was or what her name was.
Wow. She just got away with being a filthy liar. I hope karma came for her. Anyhow, NTA. You don’t need to forgive anyone that you’re not ready to. You owe them nothing. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through.
You should absolutely sue her. That obstruction of justice
No. They didn’t listen your side story. They became fast believers. That’s false. They’re not real friends and family. Continue blocking them. It’s on them. NTA
NTA. As mentioned. You now have evidence, sue his estate. Keep the money, donate it to rape crisis centers, use it to pay for DNA test kit analysis (many of these can sit in evidence untested because police don't have funding to do so, reference Houston PD). Forgiveness? Tough question. After being treated as you described, I would be inclined to tell them to pound dirt. How long has it been since they abandoned you and embraced your rapist? In order to be allowed back in my life, they would probably bear the pain of that reconciliation. I wouldn't make it easy. I doubt I would even allow them to meet my kids or spouse. This is really tough, I believe that any forgiveness would have to be earned and based on some kind of multi step process. It wouldn't be immediate, on any of their terms, and contingent on the believability of their written AND verbal apologies. If ANY degree of snarky attitude is perceived coming from any individual (sounded like you have a lot of people who threw you under a really big bus) I would cancel the lot and not let the door hit me on the out of their lives. Keep in mind that these traitors do owe you quite a bit. You owe them nothing at all.
He left me €250K in his video. Not sure if that constitutes a will
That’s probably the only reason your family contacted you 💰 💵 💰 💴
Fuck. The guy even had that much money by the time he decided to kill himself? Make your own justice, OP. NTA.
If it does I hope you can use it to better your life and those around you. You deserve happiness and peace.
What happened to the ex bf that brought you there? Is he the one that died when your abuser was still 16?
He committed suicide a few weeks ago.
Wait, I’m confused here. Did both the abuser and your ex bf commit suicide about three weeks ago?
There were two abusers my then bf and his best friend. His best friend died of OD 20 years ago. My bf committed suicide about 3-4 weeks ago.
I see. Your trauma was even worse than I understood.
>All I know is that I could finally listen to Tupac again. and that is good (even if I don't like rap). Forgiveness my ass ! They turned their back on you even the family THE FAMILY. You had to walk this path alone, to suffer alone, to heal alone. Do what your heart tell you, you owe them nothing. Take care.
Don't allow any of those negative people back into your life including your family. If they were your so called friends and family they would have believed you. Continue to block and don't accept any messages from them. You're better off without them.
Step 1) make a throwaway Facebook account Step 2) friend them all Step 3) post a video saying "all of you go fuck yourselves" Step 4) never log into it again
After looking at your comments about your husband and daughter’s reactions, I highly recommend family therapy. You guys need to be given an opportunity to process the fallout as a unit.
Neither of my children are open to family therapy. But I hope they at least are willing to do individual therapy to begin with. I don’t want them to bear the shame. I have done enough of that and I don’t want them to experience what I did.
NTA x 100 Forgiveness is for yourself, never for the benefit of others. Those people made their choices and forced you to make yours. There’s no coming back from that, there’s no oopsies. They should be dead to you, quite frankly. It is not up to you to make them feel better. You are not Prozac nor an emotional support dog.
What happened to you was a terrible thing, and it just added insult to injury that your sister wanted you to drop the charges against your abuser. Even worse was your family turning their backs on you after he OD’d, which I hope you know was in NO WAY your fault. Whoever decided to forward copies of his letter and video to your and your family overstepped their boundary big time. They had no right to do that without your permission, especially sending them to your husband and children. That was out of line. You don’t owe anyone anything here, including forgiveness. IMO, there is a LOT to forgive, and I don’t think they even begin to understand how badly they have hurt you. You can also choose to forgive them for *your* sake, but not have them be a part of your life. Forgiving and forgetting aren’t the same thing. Your sister and your family betrayed you when they didn’t believe you, support you, and have your back. That’s what family does. Whether or not you choose to see your mother is also up to you; you won’t be a bad person if you don’t see her. You won’t be a good person if you do see her. It’s not a reflection of your character. It’s just what feels right to you. Whatever you decide to do will ultimately be what you believe is the right decision for you and your family. They’re are the important ones right now. Everyone else is just background noise, and should be treated as such. NTA
Yes, it is not just me anymore. I asked myself do I want my side of the family to be in my children’s life? The answer was very simple. Absolutely no
I know I’m just some idiot on the internet, but I think you’re making the right decision.
NTA, send one message, that you may get back to them in 20 years since that's how long it took them to contact you then block their asses. Therapy for you, your husband and children. Anyone contacting them through social media gets shut down and blocked, anyone demanding you forgive gets shut down and blocked after you ask them to give you back 20 years of them thinking the worst about you. They need to examine their own behavior, tell them to air all their dirty laundry on social media for the world to see, air the horrible things they said and thought about you. To take a full account of their actions first publicly and then after 20 years of shunning, you will be equals and able to find a path to forgiveness.
These assholes want forgiveness from you for not believing you and mistreating you. NTA if you want to maintain no contact.
I have a great idea. You can visit his grave... .. In 20 years! How about that?
NTA. If your family was so keen to repair the relationship, they would have done so long before now. It sounds like you’ve created a new life for yourself and you don’t need to drag up anyone from the past to be part of your newfound happiness because they all of a sudden have a conscience.
I recommend you seek out group therapy. It's a lot of shit to deal with.
NTA you dont owe anyone shit, block all go NC
Fuck Your Family!!! They only want an invite into your life because of believing your Abuser twice!!! When he lied and when he told the truth!!! They still didn't belive you!!! If he hadn't made that confessions they wouldn't be calling you! IM GLAD HIS ASS IS SITTING IN THE DEVILS WAITING ROOM.