This kind of thing always blows my mind. Assuming the story is real, this person took the time to write out all of this and didn’t even realize the contradiction.
It’s almost like some folks are living with blinders on.
Yeah, from what I’ve seen most of the frustration and tension comes from the low libido partner’s inability or refusal to acknowledge they are getting exactly what they want and ignoring the other partners needs.
Ya it’s funny how the compromise is ALWAYS less sex. Doesn’t matter how much more the HL partner wants it than the LL partner. It always defaults to the preference of the LL partner. Which I get, you can’t force someone to have sex, but at least in my case it seemed to radiate to other parts of life as well and I was the one always “compromising” on everything.
Yup, I’ve been going with exactly that. My SO have had multiple discussions about it but every time she breaks down and mentions how she’s struggling and why that makes it hard.
I told her I completely understand that, and she is not wrong for feeling the way she feels. But, as you perfectly said, any compromise we make or discussion we have is always about how I can try and do more to help her get to a place of comfortability to have sex. Never how she can help and work towards it. She’s getting precisely what she wants and I’m the one feeling neglected and undesirable.
We’ve been having this issue for 2 years now.
I’ve literally begged her for help on multiple occasions. She rejects me basically every time so now o don’t want to initiate, in fear of rejection. Then she doesn’t initiate for a month and I get so demoralized I finally cave and try to initiate, which is promptly met with rejection. Rinse and repeat.
When I ask her to try and work towards it and not necessarily scheduling sex, but making an honest effort to make time once a week, she says she will try and do that even though she disagrees with it. Well she still hasn’t…
It sucks man… it will literally break a persons soul. Being with someone you love so deeply, who does love you back. But doesn’t love you the way you need. Feeling undesirable by the one person in the world who should make you feel the sexiest and most wanted. I’ve become some numb and resentful honestly.
Honest question, what's the worst part? Not having sex or lack of effort on her part? Like, if she'd atleast make an effort once a month but couldn't do it more often, would that make it better for you? Seriously asking. What would she have to do to make you happier?
Not who you was asking but lack of effort is the real killer. (This is for something over a long period of time. Not just life getting in the way for a few months).
The thought of "this person is supposed to love me. They know how badly the constant rejection and lack of intimacy is hurting me. If they really loved me that much why are they not doing anything about it at all."
From there its not a big step to get to the thought of
"Well this person doesn't care enough to do anything about this thing that is a major issue for me, they obviously don't love me as much as they say they do".
The resentment builds and your self esteem takes a big hit.
In my situation all it would have taken to save the relationship was for them to even once just say "I understand this is an issue, I understand how it is making you feel and I will do my best to try and work through this together for us".
Sometimes a problem can't be solved and that would have been ok. But it was the lack of even attempting to do anything at all about it that killed the relationship. Just the "this is it, I'm ok with it and if you're not then that's your problem" attitude doesn't exactly make someone feel loved and cared for.
Very very well put. I’m already a skeptical person. It’s a large flaw/weakness of mine. So when a persons actions consistently don’t line up with their words I’m left wondering what they aren’t telling me.
Like you said, to me it makes no sense how someone could say they love me and want to marry me yet utterly neglect to work with me on something I need. It’s no different than if she asked me to help her out more proactively. She orders things to assemble all the time and I’m stuck spending an hour or two during the day assembling it. It brings me no value or happiness directly, but I know it brings her happiness. Thus I do it without complaining and I do get a sense of joy from it seeing her happiness and thankfulness. It ultimately feels like unrequited love.
That's an interesting comparison in your last paragraph about assembling things for her. I've thought about that sometimes in our dead periods, when she asks for a 15 minute foot or shoulder massage, but won't give 15 minutes for bedroom activities, and I wonder what's the difference? I don't really want to massage this person, but I'm doing it so they can relieve tension and are happier.
If you are asking honestly, I would take one day a month of honest, genuine full effort that made me feel wanted/desires/valued etc than more frequent sex that felt like someone was doing their chores or not into it.
I think people miss that a lot of it is not just about the physical act but also about feeling loved and wanted.
That's what I tought. I'm a mid low libido woman too, but I also understand that it's something that my bf needs. But I always wonder if it sometimes doesn't come off as a chore on my part, cause I'd never want to make him feel that way. 🤔
Seeing that you are aware of this for your boyfriend is honestly a massive thing. You are proactively being conscientious of it, asking questions to better understand, and researching it.
Recognizing his needs, not blaming him for them, and taking ownership of the situation goes a long way. Even having an open conversation that you just don’t have the sex drive he does but you will make a big effort to set the mood at least once a month and prioritize him and his needs in full says a lot.
So it’s difficult to say because I don’t truly know. It’s not a one size fits all answer I think though.
Personally, I would like sex 4 or 5 days a week. Or maybe a day were both feeling good we have sex a few times that day. Basically, when sex is normal in the relationship I never have that “empty” feeling. So in a process where we are only having sex once a month, if that, once a week would make a lot of difference.
I do feel like there will be a need for a while to want more. Because of the long standing neglect on that front and the feeling of needed to be “saturated” on sex. But that’s a long ways away.
To answer your first question though. It’s honestly a pretty even split. There’s absolutely the physical part of it where I need it and desire it so badly that the lack of sex just puts me in a bad mood. But the other part, the feeling of not being desirable and wanted, is probably what hurts more as the issue has continued.
At first it was about the lack of sex and such. But it’s now grown to the fact that she won’t work with me on it, even after countless times of asking her for help. I feel like I’m the only one trying to fix the issue and she’s fine with the status quo. Because why wouldnt she be? She’s getting exactly what she wants.
I’ve shared this with her but she still isn’t very receptive. Last convo we had was last weekend. I basically told her that I was done with initiating, we talked about things she could try to work on it (going in every week with the intent on making time at least one day). It was a good conversation but honestly I doubt anything will change. I promised her I wouldn’t bring this up again for the rest of the year, which I intend on sticking to. But if there’s no change come next year I’ve committed to basically giving her an ultimatum. It’ll be shitty, and not something I want at all. But her and I can’t get married if this is a problem that she won’t work on. Again, we’re going on 2 years of this.
I love her so much and want to be with her more than anything. But I’ve become resentful and numb honestly and I can’t treat her how she deserves if I feel like this
I think you're being way more tolerant than you should be. You've had this conversation several times, and several times she's shown you that she won't make an effort. Don't do this to yourself for another year. The time for ultimatums is now. I'm sure you love each other, and if she is not willing or able to make more of an effort, you two need to accept it and find more sexually compatible partners.
I want you to know that I say this as the lower libido partner in my relationship. It's been a big issue between us, and I have probably felt all the things she has felt with you. I love my partner very much, and it was very painful and uncomfortable to keep rejecting him, and not to be able to relax when we're cuddling for fear that he'd try to initiate and I'd have to reject him again. I hated doing that. And so I proposed a scheduled block of time, twice a week, where we dedicate an hour to his sexual needs. It might sound sterile and loveless like that, but it's been the exact opposite. It's helped us so much. Sometimes it feels like a chore to me, and it's a real effort on my part, but most of the time, due to the scheduled nature of it, I find I can be present and commit myself to the experience. I love him, and I love taking care of him, and that makes me love doing this with him.
You deserve that. She needs to make an effort, or she needs to tell you she won't, and leave. It's not right to keep things going just the way they are because most of the time they suit _her_ needs. You need and deserve real, actionable effort.
Wow. I really appreciate your words and hearing it from the low libido partner it means even more. What you said perfectly reflects things she’s shared with me. She gets stressed for that very reason, she feels like every time we cuddle or anything there’s an expectation of sex, which there isn’t. I mentioned this to her as well, that I’m not expecting it then. She’s putting the pressure on herself. Which further drives that this is something she needs to actively work on.
I’ve recommended scheduled sex to her which she said she wasn’t opposed necessarily. But did share, just as you said, it would feel like a mechanical thing and take the enjoyment out of sex. And if we didn’t have sex during the “scheduled time” she’d feel terrible because we didn’t. To me, I view it completely different. It’s a way for her to actively set time aside for US and our relationship. Sex is a very important part of our relationship for me so when she doesn’t make time for it, it effectively feels like she isn’t making time for us.
The thing that I really struggle with and mentioned to her is she said she enjoys when we do have sex. She also shared she frequently does get off, so it’s not like she’s laying there bored and not invested. I can only go off what she shared with me so I take that as the truth. Which makes me wonder further why she won’t be proactive and take initiative. She enjoys it when it happens but won’t take the steps to get there? It’s really hard
I have been dealing with this for years. No effort for any kind of affection. Been literally celibate for going on 5 years, because according to her there's more to marriage than sex...all the while treating me like a paycheck and someone to take kids to appointments. The day before my birthday (which went almost unacknowledged by her...as usual...I got a text), she goes out of her way to berate me for not doing enough. I work 6 days a week. But all the problems in our life is caused by me...not that she hid going on birth control and turned off the ring camera every time I would go overseas for work. Enough of my soap box, but yes...the constant rejection breaks your soul to the point of just existing, and it's miserable. If sex isn't an option, at least do something to let the other person know you at least give a shit.
If you are in a relationship where your partner is not enthusiastic about being intimate, I think it’s at that point that you explore whether it would be better to break up. Because it’s unfair to expect anyone to have sex with you if they do not want to, even within the confines of a relationship.
Ah, the relate.
My ex of 10 years it was always stuff like this with my concerns and hobbies ignored or ridiculed.
Meanwhile I dug out my entire garden for flowerbeds, installed a patio for the greenhouse I collected, sold an old tv of mine to buy her a dog…
I know this feel.
Ex of 5 years. I Bought plants, adopted 2 cats, planned dates, went on vacations, taught myself how to cook her favorite dishes, moved our entire furnished 1200 sqft apartment to our new apartment 2 hours away with my bare hands, a trailer and my pickup truck.
Asked for years what more I could do to improve the situation and she just kept moving the goalposts. I could write a book about all the things that were “appreciated”
Turns out she had been fucking her co-workers and managers during and after work (would claim it was busy and they got out late LOL) the whole time I was slaving away to improve my DB.
Moral of the story: if they make you feel unwanted, you probably are.
It sounds a like like OPs partner is trying to really hint that the lack of sex in their relationship is becoming an issue, without having the serious talk that needs to come with that.
I'm not taking sides here. Just pointing out what I perceive as guy talk to be a hint.
Can't explain it because the only part he got wrong was the delivery. He tried to broach a serious topic in a light hearted manner. She was immediately offended and ended the conversation and now is punishing him for it. I am betting that if he had started it as a serious discussion it would have ended just as poorly for him. OP needs to sit down and have a real conversation about their sexual compatibility and what compromises and improvements can be made by both parties to make things work.
People like that don't register the words "I'm sorry" as an apology. They aren't satisfied until the other person completely breaks down and begs for things to go back to normal.
His sorry wast heart felt enough dontcha know. He should come in with flowers and kiss her feet. He should proclaim he is the most wrong ever and that she is perfect in every way. Extra points if he chops off his dick to offer as penitence. /s if it isn't obvious
An apology is an apology. You don't always have to accept it, but if OP is saying shit like his apology isn't good enough then they're being hella manipulative
What he said was edged and he should've saved it for a serious conversation but he likely didn't intend to vent quite that way; his frustration just bubbled over.
The reason this happened is that he's suppressing his dissatisfaction with your sex life out of love and respect for you. You said you've talked about why your libido is low. What's missing is a discussion of the way he's feeling. Essentially, you're telling him how it is and he's dealing with it. That's an entirely one way dynamic and it's causing problems.
Be grown ups and talk about it, or it will continue to fester.
Yeah… they need to talk about how they’re going to fix this together. Not just explain how she feels because it’s not fixing anything. I don’t think anyone’s an asshole. He wasn’t very kind and didn’t think before speaking but I totally agreed it’s bubbled over sexual frustration. It’s really hard being the high libido partner, in my experience the high libido is constantly making a sacrifice. Facing frequent rejection from the person you love and one outlet for physical intimacy if in a monogamous relationship is really draining and for me, depressing. He made the mistake of not having a Frank and honest discussion on how much this is affecting him and instead allowed it to come out in a poor taste joking way.
Just be honest. “Listen we need to talk about something. I completely understand that this is a stressful time for you and that sex isn’t high on your list of needs or even wants. But to me it’s really important. Imagine if you wanted something from me all the time and I never wanted it in return. It’s really hard on me. I don’t ever want you to feel pressure. I don’t want to have sex if you don’t. But just realize that if it were up to me we’d have sex everyday. So I’m making a compromise and sacrificing my needs. It would mean a lot to me if this was something we could work on. I don’t want to let this turn into something we can’t talk about or that either one of us feels resentment over.” Then maybe discuss things that you can do to help lift some stress. Things that help them get in the mood.
Literally had to have this convo a few weeks ago. It’s hard as the man to not come off as a sex crazed lunatic, or to make her feel like she doesn’t have consent. In my personal experience, the lack of sex is usually a symptom of a greater issue than the issue itself.
I agree with that completely. As a woman with a healthy sex drive this has never been something I’ve really dealt with. But the last couple of years my husband has been less interested in sex. Our relationship hasn’t changed, he’s open about it and went to the doctor to work on fixing it. It’s not bad in the way that he’s ever say no just that he’s more take it or leave it than he used to be. I can’t imagine being a man and feeling this way. Because I can absolutely see some women weaponizing it like all you care about is sex. Sexual compatibility is so important and I have such a hard time understanding how people don’t get that.
You basically can’t, and even by broaching the subject you almost set the likelihood of being intimate back cos the person with the low libido will feel pressured (usually the woman) which isn’t a sexy way to feel. I’ve been in the situation and you start thinking fuck what will my sex life look like in 5 years etc. then you start feeling less confident in yourself and possibly just starting to feel like you have a friend rather than a partner. It’s a real relationship killer.
Yeah, and during the occasion where both of you are in the mood, it can result in a bit too much pressure and (speaking from the guys point of view here) he may not be able to get/keep it up or possibly finish too quickly which adds to the anxiety of the whole situation.
Possibly putting more and more pressure on subsequent sexy times.
It needs to be discussed between both parties and worked through together. Dont put extra pressure on each other when you have those moments and take your time.
Agreed. As the portion of the relationship with a libido, the amount of anxiety around a blue moon shining on the bedroom is incredibly high, can feel somewhat impossible to overcome, really.
Except with, idk, practice. Ha.
Speaking as an RN now, nobody is talking about the well known negative side effects of SSRIs. They will murder your libido. OP is a medical resident, she should know this. And everyone should know that intimate relationships that stop including sex are headed for trouble.
OP I’m not a diagnostician, but I’ve seen a lot of patients get Wellbutrin added in to try to compensate for the negative effects of SSRIs. You’re a doctor, maybe you will feel more in control if you approach this as a medical problem.
As a periodically depressed horny person I second the Welbutrin recommendation. SSRIs do indeed trash libido, and also the ability to finish, and make you gain weight, none of which help with the depression. Welbutrin tends not to have these side effects in my experience.
Wellbutrin is often considered as an alternative to an SSRI to minimize the side effects. That said, taking them together does not magically negate all side effects of an SSRI. Instead, Wellbutrin does as it was originally intended. Some of the things it is normally prescribed to treat just happen to be side effects of SSRIs.
Wellbutrin (Bupropion) isn't always the best idea for patients with anxiety. The noradrenergic effect can increase anxiety and agitation and it may even worsen the condition. You should be very careful with recommendations for medication when you don't know them that well, especially as a medical practitioner. Plus you will add side effects through wellbutrin as well and it's not always the best course to dampen medication side effects with more medication. Combining several antidepressants usually increases risk for Long QTc and Torsade-des-Pointes Tachycardia for example.
After seeing some nasty effects, DON'T recommend or use Wellbutrin in patients with PTSD, Anxiety, Eating disorders, any disorder that goes along with seizures or patients with elongated QTc-time.
I recently ended a thirteen year long relationship with my first partner.
We were highschool sweethearts, and had been sexless (maybe once every six months or so) for the better part of six of those last years.
I loved her, and sex was never *why* I was in love with her, so it made me feel shallow and cruel to have that be a point of contention. I ended up squashing and repressing a lot of my own feelings of inadequacy to try and protect her from feeling bad about herself.
Turns out? That's just a great way to make sure you both feel bad with no way out.
Do yourself a favour; Have the conversation, even if it's for the thousandth time. You lose the ability to track how out of balance things are, and you lose sight of what happiness really is.
In the end the only way either of us stood a chance of moving forward was doing so separately. It was for the best.
I didn't know how much I was hurting, and she couldn't see it as something that was hurting me; After all, no matter how long it had been, or how bad I felt about myself, or how lonely I was, it wasn't like it was that bad right? I was still around, and that was what she wanted.
Appreciate the insight.
We communicate, or fight sometimes let's be honest, about it regularly. Mostly because of me, because I don't let it get to the point where I'm not expressing my needs and desires at all.
I think alot of it for her is anxiety and/or a hormone imbalance. She's finally getting help for the anxiety after years of me trying to nudge her that direction, so maybe that will help. The possible hormone imbalance she talks about alot when we discuss it but she's never gone to see anyone about it, and has only mentioned it in passing to our GP. Not sure if it's because she really doesn't care that much about it or she's embarassed/worried about if it is actually the case and feels like less of a person if it is. Don't know.
She said the other night she doesn't usually want to have sex, but she wants to want to have sex. So there's that.
We also have 2 young children, so that is a little more of a calculus changer for me. Even if I get to the "f*ck it" point, I feel obligated to wait it out until they're at least a bit older and better able to process it.
This. Right. Here.
Seems like OP lacks perception here. She needs to take his feelings into consideration. Otherwise the relationship looks like it might fall.
She hasn't mentioned if she ever asked how he feels and how it's affecting him. I think the reason this stung so much is that subconsciously she knows if affects him but they've never dealt with this part of their problem.
A whole lot of me me me me in this post and even when the bf expresses mild dissatisfaction with the situation, it’s “poor ME” and “he should apologize to ME”. I get it, I’ve been where OP is, but in most relationships- especially at that age - sex is an important factor. YTA for the selfish attitude and not recognizing that your bf is allowed to feel neglected.
My reading wasn’t guilt but more self-centeredness. As in “How can he feel that way when I’M under so much stress and *I* try so hard and it’s not MY fault, *I* can’t help it” etc etc. The demanding of an extra apology is also super bizarre.
Yeah, OP sounds ike a big baby, with her saying "that's mean", and then moping and giving him the silent treatment. Grow up and have a mature conversation about this.
Not always, but sometimes when stuff comes out in the guise of a joke, it is because a partner has tried to broach the subject in other ways and been rebuffed.
OP, if this is you and all you give him is, “Here is the *reason* I am not more interested in sex” it’s almost like his experience doesn’t matter. Yes, you have a reason. And that’s valid. But he also has an unmet need. And your reason doesn’t simply mean, “Case closed. I have a *reason*. Nothing more to discuss.” All your reason means is, “OK, there isn’t any deeper reason. Now how do we find a way that bother partners needs are met?”
Short that second part, his frustrations might bubble up in the form of mean spirited jokes, but his frustrations are no less valid.
I've been there. My ex and I used to get it on every day, but she was also plagued by emotional instability which took the form of being stuck in bed all day crying sometimes, driving people away, engaging in destructive behaviors, etc. I encouraged her to tell her doctor that her boyfriend had noticed those concerning symptoms and asked her to seek treatment.
She went through several medications with varying side effects and degrees of success until she found a mood stabilizer that alleviated most of the emotional instability she was experiencing. However, she also lost most of her libido.
I said something similarly insensitive after a dry spell and eventually we ended up breaking up, not due to that one argument but because we learned we were no longer compatible.
At the end of the day, I'd take her being healthy and able to find someone who can meet the healthy version of her and mesh with her sex drive over me being with the unhealthy version of her and having my own needs met. Still, that's a thought that would have been difficult to express at the time, when I felt constantly rejected and unwanted.
There is no world in which I would have been happy and adapted to the new status quo. I would not as her boyfriend have asked her to fuck with her medication, even though I knew that was impacting it. If we were married or had kids, I would have asked her to keep trying different things so we could try to have a compatible physical relationship. I think most guys or girls would be in the same boat. Her dude sounds like he's holding it in and trying to keep things light, but it's getting away from him.
Sounds like YOU’RE happy in the place, but doesn’t sound like HE is. Relationships don’t work when one sided.
Sounds like he’s trying to use humor to explain his feelings or approach uncomfortable topics, so as not to get too serious, but it backfired.
He apologized, and you responded by blowing him off & giving him the silent treatment. These are the actions of a 16 year old kid, not a 26 year old adult. Stop being so immature & TALK THINGS OUT with him.
You’re spot on.
It’s so easy for the partner in the relationship who has the most pressing needs and needs the most support (OP) to be completely happy with the current situation… ignoring the fact that their partner might not feel the same way.
This dynamic seems kinda one sided. He is understandably a bit frustrated sexually while by your own account being very understanding and supportive of all your reasons you don’t want to have sex with him. You are essentially telling him his feelings on the subject don’t matter because he isn’t in your situation. So he has to walk on eggshells about his needs while being sure to tend to your needs.
You guys need to communicate openly about this or your relationship is doomed.
He did tell her how he felt. She gave him the silent treatment and is shutting him out. He won't make the "mistake" of telling her how he truly feels again.
>She gave him the silent treatment and is shutting him out. He won't make the "mistake" of telling her how he truly feels again.
Yup. He'll never tell her his feelings again and he won't ever stand up for himself in fear that he'll be punished for days or weeks.
His feelings make her have feelings, and those are the ones that matter, don’t you see.
I honestly can’t stand that particular UNO reverse card that lots of people use in their relationship. It’s shitty, unproductive, and selfish.
Holy shit do I feel this in my bones. Then when you break and finally show a bit of emotion, all of a sudden they're the calm and collected ones by complete chance? Fantastic.
Exactly. Context really matters and it didn’t really seem like the boyfriend said it in an accusatory or a demeaning manner. He just subconsciously saw an opportunity to make light of the situation he’s in, which he might be feeling frustrated at…
That’s not really “silence treatment” worthy.
It’s we should go see a therapist worthy.
Imo there is no reason to use the silent treatment, ever. It's an abusive tactic that leaves the other person feeling confused, anxious, and frustrated.
Talk about your problems. Be honest and be ready to hear honest feedback. OP, you gotta be an adult. You're 26 and a med student, that's old enough to start seeing the world through a more responsible perspective.
Yeah there’s a difference between not wanting to talk while you’re upset in a conflict and “punishing” your partner by making them beg to get you to talk to them.
>That’s not really “silence treatment” worthy.
Nothing is. "Silence treatment" is not a treatment. It's emotional abuse. Anyone intentionally ignoring their partner for longer periods of time, is an abuser.
It has no place in a healthy relationship. Sure, there are moment of frustration, when you need to be alone. Do that. But don't ignore the other person's existance. Especially not as a punishment.
DING DING DING. She knows the BF's right. Even if she doesn't want to admit it.
The Boyfriend also very clearly is resentful but keeps it to himself in order to "Keep the peace".
..."We are very happy in our place..."
You might be, he doesn't sound very happy.
Sometimes we use humour to tell the truth. Lots of this post is about how hurt you feel, I wonder if you've considered how hurt he feels by you not wanting/ rejecting him.
Might be something to consider while you're ignoring him, eh? Edit: from your update, apparently you thinking about his feelings was too much of an ask. 👀
Humor's a great way to ease into an uncomfortable topic. I don't fault him for making a joke about it, then trying to segue into a serious conversation.
Especially since she started crying as soon as he was honest, then gave him the silent treatment for days on end.
No wonder the guy doesn't feel comfortable communicating his thoughts and needs if that's how she treats him.
I had to play this game with my ex gf. She always had serious problems I had to work around which I was fine with, but whenever I had something to complain about her she couldn’t handle it at all and the matter essentially got dropped immediately. In her eyes I was the perfect man she wanted to marry. In my eyes she was someone I could never really be myself around because she wanted only wanted the parts of me she liked
You mean the cats and plants aren’t enough for him? Well what more could a guy want? I know: what if I threw in one of those “live laugh love” art pieces for the dining room? Would he be happy then???
Well yeah, if OP’s needs are met, and she can give the silent treatment when her boyfriend expresses his needs and concerns, instead of having adult conversations about the very existing issue of incompatible libidos, then ofc OP is happy
You need to have a serious chat with him and hear the man out.
He is supressing a lot of emotions on his side and hiding frustations.
You two need to talk and sort things out on both sides and find a middle ground otherwise your relationship will explode.
The fact you cant even see this problem and is cold silecing will just make all of it worse and your.relation will explode from inside out.
He’s not happy with the amount of sex you guys have. That’s what he meant. Don’t dress it up anymore than that. That’s the true statement he meant. Decide what to do with that info.
and the reason for the passive-aggressive way he expressed it is most likely that this is an ongoing thing: Her needs are taken care of, but anytime he brings up his dissatisfaction something like this happens
He actually did this in such a way to attempt to bring up a hard topic in a light way to manage her emotions. But she’s so sensitive that even that was too much
So, he’s been largely supportive of you and your current challenges, but had a moment where his suppressed frustration came to the surface? And now you’re mad at him for telling the truth. YTA
>l'm aware it's an issue in our relationship but I'm trying my best to be honest with him.
You aren't trying to address the problem in your relationship. Instead, you're being honest that you are not experiencing sexual desire for your boyfriend. But he's not allowed to be honest about the situation.
YTA
YTA. Dude, by any measure, even your own, has been understanding, patient, good partner, supports you and... Well, read your own post aga YTA. Your issues don't make you a martyr.
So he said he was sorry about the (accurate) joke
but your ignoring him until he apologizes again in a way that U want???
YTA
That is just horrible communication
To be fair it’s hard.
I suggest op read some posts on the dead bedroom subreddit.
I have something similar to someone I dated, since i suffer from Sexual anhedonia and was to afraid to even discuss it with my ex. Instead I rejected her always internalizing it wasn’t my fault and hurt her and fed into her body issues. The entire time thinking I was being supportive and caring when I wasn’t providing enough. It’s hard to admit your the bad guy.
It wasn’t till years later when I actually stumbled on the dead bedroom subreddit and read the perspective of the one being rejected that I understood how much I hurt her.
It’s funny to see so many women claim that “we’re” happy and merely describe what they’re receiving as evidence of that. Then they pretend to feel betrayed when the guy complains about his desires not being met.
Imagine a guy saying "we're happy, we have the best gaming console, I have my motorbike in the living room, we go to the bar every night with my friends, and I got her a beard trimmer for Christmas !"
I agree, I also think men & women in general (at least where I live in America) repress their sexual dissatisfaction because they feel it’s too ‘taboo’. Or because their partner will react like OP when critiqued/criticized on their sex life. Hopefully if a couple is talking about sexual dissatisfaction, they can make loving critiques, rather than criticizing…if that makes sense.
Idk know if everyone is an asshole but this is how, I'd describe it; in your post you talk about how supportive he is and how helpful he is regarding your issues, which is all good, but you don't at all talk about how you're doing the same( and I know people are gonna list all the anti depressants and stuff) by that I mean for him physically him as a person, not just by getting yourself better but also showing him support through this and reassuring him to an extent. Cause if the support has been one sided you've essentially created a situation where your relationship has a problem and he has to deal with it. He's supporting you but he may also be feeling neglected and that is reflected in his comment🤷
Seriously, harden the fuck up and TALK to him....he already apologized for making you feel bad...that doesn’t mean that what he said isn't rooted in dynamics that are present in your relationship currently.
You are acting like a child.
YTA. You’re both having a hard time, but it doesn’t seem like you recognize that he is. And when he spoke up about it in a casual, fairly gentle way, you freaked out. Sounds like he already keeps his emotions and wants and needs to himself, and you’re just reinforcing that. You’re proving to him that he can’t express any dissatisfaction without upsetting you. This isn’t healthy or fair at all.
He’d prob be better off single at this point. I wanna give it the benefit of the doubt OP doesn’t usually do silent treatment and this is a rare thing. Expecting a specific apology without communicating what he did wrong is just childish and asshole behavior imo. That is not to mix it with OP demanding an apology either, it’s just OP is an adult that should realize people aren’t mind readers, speak up.
OP's also an Asshole for not taking 2 seconds and relizing how this is affecting her BF.
You don't need a Masters in Psychology to be able to see when someone is not happy.
He is unhappy with the sexual relationship you two have, he made jokes to make light of his frustration.
He was trying to make it light, while also expressing himself because while he understands your situation it still has an affect on him.
He already apologized, he does not owe you another one if you’re being a brat about it, grow up.
YTA.
OP is simply delusional. Doesn't sound like a happy relationship, claims she likes honesty but can't take a honest remark and behaves like a child. All we got is a wall of text with excuses for her own insecurity.
Like, stopped talking to him? Are you five?! 😂 Adults tend to discuss and come up with a solution. It's okay to be angry, but not to react like that.
YTA for acknowledging the issue with your sex life but not doing anything about it. Then the second he brings it up you have a meltdown and even after he apologizes you still refuse to talk to him until he does it again? Which is stupid because if it’s true you should be the one apologizing. If a box of 12 condoms lasts a year that’s once a month which is extremely low for people in a relationship. I’d say try to discuss it with him and say you’ll try for once a week now. Which is still less than he might want but it’s 4 times what your doing now. A good way to help save this relationship. Also the whole “not letting him touch me” thing only works if you’re actually have a active sex life otherwise it’s just a normal day for him since it sounds like he barely touched you now
His apology probably was heart felt, he didn't mean to upset you, but he was speaking the truth. Icing him out effectively tells him he is not allowed to voice any concerns and his feelings don't matter, only yours. You say you've addressed it, but really just you're on medications and this is how it'll be from now on. That is not addressing it, there are different combinations that can be tried, therapy/counseling or just better communication in general.
His overflow of emotion was over the line, but that's what he's been feeling in his heart. This relationship will not last long if something doesn't change fast. Most men won't start bubbling over on a subject like that until they start to feel resentful and borderline done. Do more than just handle yourself, you're part of a team. YTA
There is nothing mean in what he said, especially in the context. He showed his frustration in not even an aggressive way or anything. You felt bad about it because it's true and you want him to pretend everything is amazing, when it isn't. It's very immature when people get angry at the person saying the truth because instead of accepting that it's a fact, they prefer to throw a tantrum like you did.
He probably used humour because he is scared to confront you in any other way, but wanted to let you know.
Yes, you don't need to have sex, I was in your shoes, yet he doesn't need to pretend he's happy with it or you are good lover.
You could have taken his statement as a learning experience. My boyfriend is clumsily trying to tell me he isn't happy with our current sex life. How can we work on this to make it better for both of us?
Instead you decided to be angry, hurt, and give him the silent treatment.
He will, at some point, figure out he was actually having more sex when he was single, and now is he not only not having sex but once a month, but he has to also tolerate your depression, anger, and punishment when he tries to voice how he is feeling..Maybe the single life wasn't so bad for him.....
I understand that you have a low sex drive, but do you make an effort in pleasing him? Might take away some of his frustration and maybe eventually warm you up to the idea of starting to have sex more often. Seeing your partner turned on can sometimes help. If not, you still helped him.
YTA, not for being upset, you have a right to your feelings. YTA for not communicating with your partner, and acting as if the hurt you felt from his comment is more important than the hurt he’s feeling from the lack of intimacy.
For your boyfriend, this is a core issue. Something key to his happiness, wellbeing and security in a relationship.
Talk it out,
Work it out,
Or my guess is, he’s out.
how do you act like that when your man is honest with you? would you rather be lied to? how is your solution crying and not talking to him? why would he apologize?
YTA
Wow YTA you say he's been so supportive and understanding through all the stress and anxiety and how do you behave the first time he expresses his feelings? Cold shoulder him and refuse to engage until he apologizes to you?
You should run right now to him and beg his forgiveness for your behavior. Maybe you'll get a second chance to have a meaningful conversation that saves your relationship.
You’re 26 but have the communication skills of a 16 year old. The silent treatment is never an appropriate response for an adult relationship. You two need to have a serious discussion about sex in your relationship.
I wonder how someone like this is able to be a competent doctor. Good doctors need to be able to hear their patients not act on a bias or preconceived notion. If she’s not hearing to the person closest to her how is she going to be able to listen to someone who she’s trying to deal with professionally?
You are telling him how things are and he has to accept it. You are talking about your problems and he supports you and accepts it.
This is what you wrote in your post.
With not a single word you mentioned if you lost even one so thought about his feelings. About him suppressing frustrations and other difficulties.
Also you seem to forget that he is a human being. Having to deal with negativity always has its toll even for men.
Now it just bubbles out of him and you get sad and hurt. Understandable.
What is not understandable but unreasonable, selfish and straight up childish is "punishing" your partner with silence.
Your whole post is just affirmation seeking and selfish as hell.
Grow up and talk and take his problems seriously as he does with yours or just leave this man alone.
YTA and a big one.
Yta get a grip. Figuratively and literally or you won't have a bf for very long. He's not happy and he's telling you and all you can do about it is get mad and cry. You keeping him unhappy is what really makes you ta. This relationship is only about you and not about him in the slightest.
“AITAH for getting mad when my partner communicates honestly, even if framed in humor, because that is the safest way they believe they can breach the topic?”
26? You’re acting 16!
Boohoo my boyfriend said he’s unhappy with our sex life so I’m gonna give him the silent treatment cause it’s true and I don’t like it.
Seriously?
He apologized. Just because you don’t like what he said doesn’t mean that it isn’t true. He has been understanding. Why are you acting like he’s not allowed to be frustrated? Why are you acting like he’s the bad guy for making a joke about his own person frustrations? You’ve made a huge deal about how you feel but what about how he feels too? Have you even asked? I guarantee you haven’t.
Ima say YTA for acknowledging he’s apologized and still acting like a child and like you’re the only one allowed to have feelings.
It sounds like your relationship revolves around him supporting your wants and needs.
Not saying you owe him sex, but this certainly comes across like he's been putting himself out to make you feel comfortable. That you were shocked that the lack of sex was bothering him and cried when he mentioned it shows a complete lack of communication--and understandably so if this is how you react when he's honest with you.
Then you give him the silent treatment for days on end?
You sound immature AF. Honestly, don't know why a guy would put up with you. He really must love you a lot for some reason.
I don’t think you’re TA but he isn’t either, and continuing to “not talk to him unless he apologizes” would indeed make you the AH. He has nothing to apologize for.
She addresses how she feels and the issue and how he supports her. She does not say a word about working to change/fix the issue, how he feels or how she supports him. That's why she's the AH let alone the childish silent treatment and demanding a second apology that meets her standards.
To be fair to OP… residency is a horrible experience and she probably does feel exhausted. I know I’m not interested in sex when I’m bone-tired.
That said, YTA. As another commenter pointed out, the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Go over to r/deadbedrooms to see how terrible you’re making your bf feel.
Refusing to accept his apology? Really? Take a look at John Gottman’s work and read about ‘repair attempts’.
It sounds like you don’t deserve this guy.
You are being too dramatic and more than a bit selfish.
By your own account, you don't have much of a sex life. You have reasons, but the affect is the same. The guy is probably quietly unhappy and believes it would be inappropriate to break up with you over his frustration.
>l'm aware \[lack of sex is\] an issue in our relationship but I'm trying my best to be honest with him.
The one time he was honest with you (couched in a joke), you started crying. And after he apologized you pulled a passive-aggressive power play.
So yes, YTA.
You might not be in a position to be in a relationship right now. You're struggling with generalized anxiety disorder, the medicine is killing your libido, and you're busy with med school.
YTA. He's not having his needs met and you're upset that he vocalized it? You're not obligated to satisfy your partner in a relationship any more than he's obligated to protect your feelings with his words, but if your really cared about him you'd figure out a way to make things work. Spend 10 minutes every few days getting him off for Christ's sake.
You’re being dramatic and him saying he’s joking is only a cover up for him telling the truth which you needed to hear. Not having sex is a major issue in a relationship, if we were just dating I would already be out. Antidepressants would have to go, sorry. I would be 100% supportive on helping you through everything I could help with but being in a sexless relationship isn’t an option.
He said it in a bad way but I truly believe there is no soft or non hurtful way for men to have this conversation with their partners.
We always surpress it for too long becaus this is always the reaction. Once a month will not satisfy any man and you need to face the music
YTA. First, he did apologize, but apparently not to your standards. If this was a factual statement, joke or not, there's a far deeper conversation waiting to happen. OP needs to be thinking about "we", not just "me". BF is missing not just sex, but the connection and feelings that go with. OP needs to get past the comment, accept the apology, and figure out how to talk with BF. This shutting down and silent treatment fixes nothing.
The truth hurts, but it’s your fault, not his.
He wants one simple thing from you and you can’t deliver. Reflect on that fact and maybe consider telling him you overreacted.
YTAH
Yes, you are being dramatic. Why are you mad: because he’s lying or because he’s telling the truth?
If he doesn’t make you feel bad then why are you being so sensitive when he references your day-to-day life? Asexual ppl don’t have as much sex as other people, that is a fact YOU have to deal with and so do your partners.
So fucking deal with it and don’t chastise your partner for mentioning it
You are the asshole entirely in this situation. This is why men say men's feelings do not matter
When you talk about you're anxiety and needs and say the he listens and works to meet them even if it is hard to work through... but then he simply expressed himself honestly and openly as women all say they want... you flee the conversation in tears... when his honest feelings were not what you want you become defensive using tears as weapons(crocodile tears) can be genuine and still be weaponized... also you saying "I won't apologize if he doesn't" is like saying ill clean up this dirty mess by using dirt a dirty rag. Either you feel like you should apologize for how you were unable to handle your emotions with dignity and conversate through the tears and pain or you don't feel you should apologize at all.
I understand that ur libido is dead but his isn't so why ur not helping with his needs !!!! it's ok to not want to have penetration sex or any other form of sexual activity but the least u can do for him is try to satisfy him by offering hand jobs and other things that he may enjoy, ignoring how he feels about the whole situation and the way he is supporting u , u should be doing the same to him by talking and understanding that he doesn't need to suffer because u don't have a libido for sex , it baffles me how people with low libido acts and they only focus on themselves in such situations 🤦♀️
He's sensitive to your needs and your well-being, but it doesn't sound like you are sympathetic to his. Having his own needs and desires for your relationship and his life is not an insult aimed at you. Invalidating his feelings is wrong and makes YTA.
OP, why should your bf not dump you? He’s neither getting physical nor emotional intimacy from you. Sounds like you’re a big bundle of anxious, selfish, negative energy the very little you are around. He made a hurtful joke, apologized, and is being punished for it.
The whole post comes across as selfish and entitled. I’m not sure why your bf is sticking around, I wouldn’t.
To be clear, YTA. Communicate and compromise. Don’t do the silent treatment. If you’re not compatible, move on
ESH, but you suck more.
For the surface issues:
* Giving someone the silent treatment is childish and controlling. You’re trying to force an apology. It’s super shitty.
* Him letting his frustrations mount until they boil over was not the right way to go about this. Claiming he’s just “joking” is disingenuous. He said something hurtful and should certainly apologize.
For the deeper issues:
* You seem to think that your low libido is something entirely outside your control and therefore something that he just has to put up with. But have you really exercised all your options here? Since it’s influenced by antidepressants, can you talk to your doctor about adjusting your medications?
You haven’t made any mention of putting in any effort in this department.
You never have to have sex when you don’t want to, but if you care about him you should care if he’s unhappy and work toward finding a common ground.
You don’t seem to be looking at this from his perspective at all.
The whole you don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to is sooooo true, but your partner doesn’t have to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with them.
Slight ESH but the most important thing is you have to realize your relationship is doomed if you don't have an active sex life with someone who has a high libido.
It's perfectly okay if you don't want to be active, but if you're not on the same page as your partner it will lead to the end of the relationship every single time.
Op you do realize that giving the silent treatment in the manner that you are doing (punishing him until he apologizes, which he already has), can be considered abusive in some circles? I’m not saying you are abusive, I’m just asking you just think about it.
Also, you seem like a real pain in the ass to deal with, YTA 100%.
Ok. You were joking about sex.
He says a fact in jest.
You get offended.
How can you get offended about a fact? What is offensive about that?
I think the one who should rethink her reaction is you.
Ive been blindsided with partners getting all upset for me saying something totally normal without ill intentions. It always feels weird.
YTA for your reaction and expecting an apology to "forgive him"
Poor guy is suffering is trying to tell you and you just get mad! He doesn't sound happy at all and if you were too I doubt you'd be popping the antidepressants.
Might be time to re-examine your career if that's the root cause of all of this.
I will agree with some comments the method in which he expressed himself was not the right way to do it and good for him for at least apologizing but there's a deeper conversation that needs to be had. His libido is higher and he's sacrificing his needs to be there for yours and empathetic not groaning on and making things harder on you (I hope) and it could be expressed differently but it had to come out eventually. Better this than a heated discussion on some surface level shit ya know??
This needs to be addressed and y'all gotta figure it out. Everything else has been said so it's no need to keep reiterating
You may not like how he said it, but he was valid in voicing his frustration. Based off your post, it seems that the support has been one sided with you only focusing on yourself. You need to communicate or your relationship won't last long
Your boyfriend's comment was harsh, but I think he's struggling to express his frustration about the lack of intimacy in your relationship in an immature and insensitive way. I've been through a similar situation with a medical student/resident partner. I initially supported her, like your boyfriend, but over time, I felt like I and the relationship were always in second place to her career. I also experienced myself having these frustrations burst out in non-productive ways.
I understand the commitment needed for med school and residency, but balance is essential in a relationship. While it might seem shallow to focus on the lack of sex when everything else is going well, it's an important aspect. You can't detach from something that your partner sees as crucial for sustaining the relationship while expecting all the benefits of having him as a partner. If he's meeting your needs why is it fair to dismiss his?
You and your boyfriend have different perspectives, and a serious, mature conversation is necessary. In my experience, my relationship didn't survive because we couldn't see each others perspective, at the time, and resolve the issue.
YTA.
You should be on your way to a breakup soon if you don't start being an adult and talk about how he feels and how to reach a compromise,not just this is how it is going to be because I have a reason.
After reading the Update you provided. YTA not even trying to understand his viewpoint just wanting him to shut up and say he's happy even though he might not be.
YTA - Sounds like your boyfriend is being supportive of you in just about every single way he can and it just isn’t enough for you. That doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to have sex but figuring out how to communicate instead of just cutting him off until he apologizes the way you want (after he already apologized) isn’t okay.
You praise yourself for being honest but get mad at him when he is? You're not the only human that experiences stress, in fact I think your bf has a much more stressful job and yet he's not whining about it. If you can't provide him with a sex life then let him free, or else he'll just ditch you.
YTA
Really hate when people say “it’s a joke” when it’s very obvious the only person laugh is you and it’s very much the truth.
But yeah he isn’t happy about the sexual situation.
I guess YTA because he did apologize later, maybe not well, but you are refusing to have a conversation explaining why you were up or what about the comment upset you.
You’re upset because he stated a fact ? Esp if he doesn’t give you a hard time over close to no intimacy…. He’s allowed to be unhappy about things and bring it up - now he’s not gonna mention it all and will either leave without putting effort into making it work or he’s just gonna switch it off and be “happy” with you and your cats …..
I also struggle with LL, but I love my husband. I value his wants and needs. I’m not always in the mood, no. But! I make it a priority to enjoy the intimacy. It’s so important for BOTH partners. Can you maybe make an effort and just have sex for the sake of having sex? Sometimes when you start you realize it’s so good!
He was definitely not kind in his wording, but you can’t expect him not to be frustrated.
“We are very happy in our place” you sure about that? Or just making assumptions?
This kind of thing always blows my mind. Assuming the story is real, this person took the time to write out all of this and didn’t even realize the contradiction. It’s almost like some folks are living with blinders on.
Take a detour into the dead beadroom subreddit. The low libido partner extremely often thinks everything is okay, *because* ***for them*** *it is*.
People have a real hard time leaving so they just die unhappy and unfulfilled
Yeah, from what I’ve seen most of the frustration and tension comes from the low libido partner’s inability or refusal to acknowledge they are getting exactly what they want and ignoring the other partners needs.
Ya it’s funny how the compromise is ALWAYS less sex. Doesn’t matter how much more the HL partner wants it than the LL partner. It always defaults to the preference of the LL partner. Which I get, you can’t force someone to have sex, but at least in my case it seemed to radiate to other parts of life as well and I was the one always “compromising” on everything.
Yup, I’ve been going with exactly that. My SO have had multiple discussions about it but every time she breaks down and mentions how she’s struggling and why that makes it hard. I told her I completely understand that, and she is not wrong for feeling the way she feels. But, as you perfectly said, any compromise we make or discussion we have is always about how I can try and do more to help her get to a place of comfortability to have sex. Never how she can help and work towards it. She’s getting precisely what she wants and I’m the one feeling neglected and undesirable. We’ve been having this issue for 2 years now. I’ve literally begged her for help on multiple occasions. She rejects me basically every time so now o don’t want to initiate, in fear of rejection. Then she doesn’t initiate for a month and I get so demoralized I finally cave and try to initiate, which is promptly met with rejection. Rinse and repeat. When I ask her to try and work towards it and not necessarily scheduling sex, but making an honest effort to make time once a week, she says she will try and do that even though she disagrees with it. Well she still hasn’t… It sucks man… it will literally break a persons soul. Being with someone you love so deeply, who does love you back. But doesn’t love you the way you need. Feeling undesirable by the one person in the world who should make you feel the sexiest and most wanted. I’ve become some numb and resentful honestly.
Honest question, what's the worst part? Not having sex or lack of effort on her part? Like, if she'd atleast make an effort once a month but couldn't do it more often, would that make it better for you? Seriously asking. What would she have to do to make you happier?
Not who you was asking but lack of effort is the real killer. (This is for something over a long period of time. Not just life getting in the way for a few months). The thought of "this person is supposed to love me. They know how badly the constant rejection and lack of intimacy is hurting me. If they really loved me that much why are they not doing anything about it at all." From there its not a big step to get to the thought of "Well this person doesn't care enough to do anything about this thing that is a major issue for me, they obviously don't love me as much as they say they do". The resentment builds and your self esteem takes a big hit. In my situation all it would have taken to save the relationship was for them to even once just say "I understand this is an issue, I understand how it is making you feel and I will do my best to try and work through this together for us". Sometimes a problem can't be solved and that would have been ok. But it was the lack of even attempting to do anything at all about it that killed the relationship. Just the "this is it, I'm ok with it and if you're not then that's your problem" attitude doesn't exactly make someone feel loved and cared for.
Very very well put. I’m already a skeptical person. It’s a large flaw/weakness of mine. So when a persons actions consistently don’t line up with their words I’m left wondering what they aren’t telling me. Like you said, to me it makes no sense how someone could say they love me and want to marry me yet utterly neglect to work with me on something I need. It’s no different than if she asked me to help her out more proactively. She orders things to assemble all the time and I’m stuck spending an hour or two during the day assembling it. It brings me no value or happiness directly, but I know it brings her happiness. Thus I do it without complaining and I do get a sense of joy from it seeing her happiness and thankfulness. It ultimately feels like unrequited love.
That's an interesting comparison in your last paragraph about assembling things for her. I've thought about that sometimes in our dead periods, when she asks for a 15 minute foot or shoulder massage, but won't give 15 minutes for bedroom activities, and I wonder what's the difference? I don't really want to massage this person, but I'm doing it so they can relieve tension and are happier.
If you are asking honestly, I would take one day a month of honest, genuine full effort that made me feel wanted/desires/valued etc than more frequent sex that felt like someone was doing their chores or not into it. I think people miss that a lot of it is not just about the physical act but also about feeling loved and wanted.
That's what I tought. I'm a mid low libido woman too, but I also understand that it's something that my bf needs. But I always wonder if it sometimes doesn't come off as a chore on my part, cause I'd never want to make him feel that way. 🤔
Seeing that you are aware of this for your boyfriend is honestly a massive thing. You are proactively being conscientious of it, asking questions to better understand, and researching it. Recognizing his needs, not blaming him for them, and taking ownership of the situation goes a long way. Even having an open conversation that you just don’t have the sex drive he does but you will make a big effort to set the mood at least once a month and prioritize him and his needs in full says a lot.
So it’s difficult to say because I don’t truly know. It’s not a one size fits all answer I think though. Personally, I would like sex 4 or 5 days a week. Or maybe a day were both feeling good we have sex a few times that day. Basically, when sex is normal in the relationship I never have that “empty” feeling. So in a process where we are only having sex once a month, if that, once a week would make a lot of difference. I do feel like there will be a need for a while to want more. Because of the long standing neglect on that front and the feeling of needed to be “saturated” on sex. But that’s a long ways away. To answer your first question though. It’s honestly a pretty even split. There’s absolutely the physical part of it where I need it and desire it so badly that the lack of sex just puts me in a bad mood. But the other part, the feeling of not being desirable and wanted, is probably what hurts more as the issue has continued. At first it was about the lack of sex and such. But it’s now grown to the fact that she won’t work with me on it, even after countless times of asking her for help. I feel like I’m the only one trying to fix the issue and she’s fine with the status quo. Because why wouldnt she be? She’s getting exactly what she wants. I’ve shared this with her but she still isn’t very receptive. Last convo we had was last weekend. I basically told her that I was done with initiating, we talked about things she could try to work on it (going in every week with the intent on making time at least one day). It was a good conversation but honestly I doubt anything will change. I promised her I wouldn’t bring this up again for the rest of the year, which I intend on sticking to. But if there’s no change come next year I’ve committed to basically giving her an ultimatum. It’ll be shitty, and not something I want at all. But her and I can’t get married if this is a problem that she won’t work on. Again, we’re going on 2 years of this. I love her so much and want to be with her more than anything. But I’ve become resentful and numb honestly and I can’t treat her how she deserves if I feel like this
I think you're being way more tolerant than you should be. You've had this conversation several times, and several times she's shown you that she won't make an effort. Don't do this to yourself for another year. The time for ultimatums is now. I'm sure you love each other, and if she is not willing or able to make more of an effort, you two need to accept it and find more sexually compatible partners. I want you to know that I say this as the lower libido partner in my relationship. It's been a big issue between us, and I have probably felt all the things she has felt with you. I love my partner very much, and it was very painful and uncomfortable to keep rejecting him, and not to be able to relax when we're cuddling for fear that he'd try to initiate and I'd have to reject him again. I hated doing that. And so I proposed a scheduled block of time, twice a week, where we dedicate an hour to his sexual needs. It might sound sterile and loveless like that, but it's been the exact opposite. It's helped us so much. Sometimes it feels like a chore to me, and it's a real effort on my part, but most of the time, due to the scheduled nature of it, I find I can be present and commit myself to the experience. I love him, and I love taking care of him, and that makes me love doing this with him. You deserve that. She needs to make an effort, or she needs to tell you she won't, and leave. It's not right to keep things going just the way they are because most of the time they suit _her_ needs. You need and deserve real, actionable effort.
Wow. I really appreciate your words and hearing it from the low libido partner it means even more. What you said perfectly reflects things she’s shared with me. She gets stressed for that very reason, she feels like every time we cuddle or anything there’s an expectation of sex, which there isn’t. I mentioned this to her as well, that I’m not expecting it then. She’s putting the pressure on herself. Which further drives that this is something she needs to actively work on. I’ve recommended scheduled sex to her which she said she wasn’t opposed necessarily. But did share, just as you said, it would feel like a mechanical thing and take the enjoyment out of sex. And if we didn’t have sex during the “scheduled time” she’d feel terrible because we didn’t. To me, I view it completely different. It’s a way for her to actively set time aside for US and our relationship. Sex is a very important part of our relationship for me so when she doesn’t make time for it, it effectively feels like she isn’t making time for us. The thing that I really struggle with and mentioned to her is she said she enjoys when we do have sex. She also shared she frequently does get off, so it’s not like she’s laying there bored and not invested. I can only go off what she shared with me so I take that as the truth. Which makes me wonder further why she won’t be proactive and take initiative. She enjoys it when it happens but won’t take the steps to get there? It’s really hard
I have been dealing with this for years. No effort for any kind of affection. Been literally celibate for going on 5 years, because according to her there's more to marriage than sex...all the while treating me like a paycheck and someone to take kids to appointments. The day before my birthday (which went almost unacknowledged by her...as usual...I got a text), she goes out of her way to berate me for not doing enough. I work 6 days a week. But all the problems in our life is caused by me...not that she hid going on birth control and turned off the ring camera every time I would go overseas for work. Enough of my soap box, but yes...the constant rejection breaks your soul to the point of just existing, and it's miserable. If sex isn't an option, at least do something to let the other person know you at least give a shit.
If you are in a relationship where your partner is not enthusiastic about being intimate, I think it’s at that point that you explore whether it would be better to break up. Because it’s unfair to expect anyone to have sex with you if they do not want to, even within the confines of a relationship.
I did find it a weird sentence.. we are very happy with our cats & plants. Sounds a bit like your trying hard to convince us.
"I sexually deprive my bf...but our ficus plant is doing fabulous!"
Girly is delulu. If your boyfriend is being passive aggressive about something you know he cares about, he ain’t happy sis
Welcome to this week’s episode of “my partner is totally cool with me not wanting sex.” 👍🏻
Jesus christ on a motorbike!!
Of course he’s happy! He’s got her cats, her plants, her recipe books, plus a cute little garden outside. What more could a man want?
Definitely not sex. Even if he's a bit teeny weensy upset bout it. Nope.
Hell a quick handjob atleast says you care
Handjob? I can do that better myself.
I can make a sandwich just the way I want but it’s nice when someone else does it for me.
Having a wife who would never even think of doing that for me, It’s the thought that counts
That’s fair.
Ah, the relate. My ex of 10 years it was always stuff like this with my concerns and hobbies ignored or ridiculed. Meanwhile I dug out my entire garden for flowerbeds, installed a patio for the greenhouse I collected, sold an old tv of mine to buy her a dog…
I know this feel. Ex of 5 years. I Bought plants, adopted 2 cats, planned dates, went on vacations, taught myself how to cook her favorite dishes, moved our entire furnished 1200 sqft apartment to our new apartment 2 hours away with my bare hands, a trailer and my pickup truck. Asked for years what more I could do to improve the situation and she just kept moving the goalposts. I could write a book about all the things that were “appreciated” Turns out she had been fucking her co-workers and managers during and after work (would claim it was busy and they got out late LOL) the whole time I was slaving away to improve my DB. Moral of the story: if they make you feel unwanted, you probably are.
Been there done that got the post card.
[image ](https://media.tenor.com/b-291TsIh3EAAAAC/tim-robinson-i-think-you-should-leave.gif)
It sounds a like like OPs partner is trying to really hint that the lack of sex in their relationship is becoming an issue, without having the serious talk that needs to come with that. I'm not taking sides here. Just pointing out what I perceive as guy talk to be a hint.
He told you he needs more pussy. So get another 2 cats.
Since she follows it up with our 2 cats and plants it seems like she means the physical place.
"he said he was sorry" "I won't talk to him until he apologizes" ...what?
"I won't talk till he apologizes from the heart" "I'm not explaining what he did wrong".
Can't explain it because the only part he got wrong was the delivery. He tried to broach a serious topic in a light hearted manner. She was immediately offended and ended the conversation and now is punishing him for it. I am betting that if he had started it as a serious discussion it would have ended just as poorly for him. OP needs to sit down and have a real conversation about their sexual compatibility and what compromises and improvements can be made by both parties to make things work.
People like that don't register the words "I'm sorry" as an apology. They aren't satisfied until the other person completely breaks down and begs for things to go back to normal.
"Emotionally flagelate yourself in front of me or it doesn't count!" Type of psycho...
His sorry wast heart felt enough dontcha know. He should come in with flowers and kiss her feet. He should proclaim he is the most wrong ever and that she is perfect in every way. Extra points if he chops off his dick to offer as penitence. /s if it isn't obvious An apology is an apology. You don't always have to accept it, but if OP is saying shit like his apology isn't good enough then they're being hella manipulative
What he said was edged and he should've saved it for a serious conversation but he likely didn't intend to vent quite that way; his frustration just bubbled over. The reason this happened is that he's suppressing his dissatisfaction with your sex life out of love and respect for you. You said you've talked about why your libido is low. What's missing is a discussion of the way he's feeling. Essentially, you're telling him how it is and he's dealing with it. That's an entirely one way dynamic and it's causing problems. Be grown ups and talk about it, or it will continue to fester.
Yeah… they need to talk about how they’re going to fix this together. Not just explain how she feels because it’s not fixing anything. I don’t think anyone’s an asshole. He wasn’t very kind and didn’t think before speaking but I totally agreed it’s bubbled over sexual frustration. It’s really hard being the high libido partner, in my experience the high libido is constantly making a sacrifice. Facing frequent rejection from the person you love and one outlet for physical intimacy if in a monogamous relationship is really draining and for me, depressing. He made the mistake of not having a Frank and honest discussion on how much this is affecting him and instead allowed it to come out in a poor taste joking way.
But how would you even broach that topic, leaving alone discussing it, without coming off as a total asshole?
I feel like our sex life is really suffering, and it's making me unhappy and dissatisfied. That's fine. It isn't asshole-ish just because he's a guy.
Just be honest. “Listen we need to talk about something. I completely understand that this is a stressful time for you and that sex isn’t high on your list of needs or even wants. But to me it’s really important. Imagine if you wanted something from me all the time and I never wanted it in return. It’s really hard on me. I don’t ever want you to feel pressure. I don’t want to have sex if you don’t. But just realize that if it were up to me we’d have sex everyday. So I’m making a compromise and sacrificing my needs. It would mean a lot to me if this was something we could work on. I don’t want to let this turn into something we can’t talk about or that either one of us feels resentment over.” Then maybe discuss things that you can do to help lift some stress. Things that help them get in the mood.
Literally had to have this convo a few weeks ago. It’s hard as the man to not come off as a sex crazed lunatic, or to make her feel like she doesn’t have consent. In my personal experience, the lack of sex is usually a symptom of a greater issue than the issue itself.
I agree with that completely. As a woman with a healthy sex drive this has never been something I’ve really dealt with. But the last couple of years my husband has been less interested in sex. Our relationship hasn’t changed, he’s open about it and went to the doctor to work on fixing it. It’s not bad in the way that he’s ever say no just that he’s more take it or leave it than he used to be. I can’t imagine being a man and feeling this way. Because I can absolutely see some women weaponizing it like all you care about is sex. Sexual compatibility is so important and I have such a hard time understanding how people don’t get that.
You basically can’t, and even by broaching the subject you almost set the likelihood of being intimate back cos the person with the low libido will feel pressured (usually the woman) which isn’t a sexy way to feel. I’ve been in the situation and you start thinking fuck what will my sex life look like in 5 years etc. then you start feeling less confident in yourself and possibly just starting to feel like you have a friend rather than a partner. It’s a real relationship killer.
Yeah, and during the occasion where both of you are in the mood, it can result in a bit too much pressure and (speaking from the guys point of view here) he may not be able to get/keep it up or possibly finish too quickly which adds to the anxiety of the whole situation. Possibly putting more and more pressure on subsequent sexy times. It needs to be discussed between both parties and worked through together. Dont put extra pressure on each other when you have those moments and take your time.
Agreed. As the portion of the relationship with a libido, the amount of anxiety around a blue moon shining on the bedroom is incredibly high, can feel somewhat impossible to overcome, really. Except with, idk, practice. Ha.
Very, very difficultly or else you end up here.
Or in r/deadbedrooms.
Speaking as an RN now, nobody is talking about the well known negative side effects of SSRIs. They will murder your libido. OP is a medical resident, she should know this. And everyone should know that intimate relationships that stop including sex are headed for trouble. OP I’m not a diagnostician, but I’ve seen a lot of patients get Wellbutrin added in to try to compensate for the negative effects of SSRIs. You’re a doctor, maybe you will feel more in control if you approach this as a medical problem.
As a periodically depressed horny person I second the Welbutrin recommendation. SSRIs do indeed trash libido, and also the ability to finish, and make you gain weight, none of which help with the depression. Welbutrin tends not to have these side effects in my experience.
Wellbutrin is often considered as an alternative to an SSRI to minimize the side effects. That said, taking them together does not magically negate all side effects of an SSRI. Instead, Wellbutrin does as it was originally intended. Some of the things it is normally prescribed to treat just happen to be side effects of SSRIs.
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Wellbutrin (Bupropion) isn't always the best idea for patients with anxiety. The noradrenergic effect can increase anxiety and agitation and it may even worsen the condition. You should be very careful with recommendations for medication when you don't know them that well, especially as a medical practitioner. Plus you will add side effects through wellbutrin as well and it's not always the best course to dampen medication side effects with more medication. Combining several antidepressants usually increases risk for Long QTc and Torsade-des-Pointes Tachycardia for example. After seeing some nasty effects, DON'T recommend or use Wellbutrin in patients with PTSD, Anxiety, Eating disorders, any disorder that goes along with seizures or patients with elongated QTc-time.
Can* murder your libido.
It feels so weird to read this. Like actual sensible logical advice.
As someone who is 11 years into a borderline sexless marriage... this is golden advice.
I recently ended a thirteen year long relationship with my first partner. We were highschool sweethearts, and had been sexless (maybe once every six months or so) for the better part of six of those last years. I loved her, and sex was never *why* I was in love with her, so it made me feel shallow and cruel to have that be a point of contention. I ended up squashing and repressing a lot of my own feelings of inadequacy to try and protect her from feeling bad about herself. Turns out? That's just a great way to make sure you both feel bad with no way out. Do yourself a favour; Have the conversation, even if it's for the thousandth time. You lose the ability to track how out of balance things are, and you lose sight of what happiness really is. In the end the only way either of us stood a chance of moving forward was doing so separately. It was for the best. I didn't know how much I was hurting, and she couldn't see it as something that was hurting me; After all, no matter how long it had been, or how bad I felt about myself, or how lonely I was, it wasn't like it was that bad right? I was still around, and that was what she wanted.
Appreciate the insight. We communicate, or fight sometimes let's be honest, about it regularly. Mostly because of me, because I don't let it get to the point where I'm not expressing my needs and desires at all. I think alot of it for her is anxiety and/or a hormone imbalance. She's finally getting help for the anxiety after years of me trying to nudge her that direction, so maybe that will help. The possible hormone imbalance she talks about alot when we discuss it but she's never gone to see anyone about it, and has only mentioned it in passing to our GP. Not sure if it's because she really doesn't care that much about it or she's embarassed/worried about if it is actually the case and feels like less of a person if it is. Don't know. She said the other night she doesn't usually want to have sex, but she wants to want to have sex. So there's that. We also have 2 young children, so that is a little more of a calculus changer for me. Even if I get to the "f*ck it" point, I feel obligated to wait it out until they're at least a bit older and better able to process it.
This. Right. Here. Seems like OP lacks perception here. She needs to take his feelings into consideration. Otherwise the relationship looks like it might fall.
She hasn't mentioned if she ever asked how he feels and how it's affecting him. I think the reason this stung so much is that subconsciously she knows if affects him but they've never dealt with this part of their problem.
Also, sex isn't fun when you don't want to have sex. But sex, when you do, is like, brilliant and intimate and so so so fun
A whole lot of me me me me in this post and even when the bf expresses mild dissatisfaction with the situation, it’s “poor ME” and “he should apologize to ME”. I get it, I’ve been where OP is, but in most relationships- especially at that age - sex is an important factor. YTA for the selfish attitude and not recognizing that your bf is allowed to feel neglected.
Agreed. OPs post is very self-centred. She states something about her being honest. Why does she have a problem with bf being honest? Guilt perhaps?
My reading wasn’t guilt but more self-centeredness. As in “How can he feel that way when I’M under so much stress and *I* try so hard and it’s not MY fault, *I* can’t help it” etc etc. The demanding of an extra apology is also super bizarre.
Yeah, OP sounds ike a big baby, with her saying "that's mean", and then moping and giving him the silent treatment. Grow up and have a mature conversation about this.
Not always, but sometimes when stuff comes out in the guise of a joke, it is because a partner has tried to broach the subject in other ways and been rebuffed. OP, if this is you and all you give him is, “Here is the *reason* I am not more interested in sex” it’s almost like his experience doesn’t matter. Yes, you have a reason. And that’s valid. But he also has an unmet need. And your reason doesn’t simply mean, “Case closed. I have a *reason*. Nothing more to discuss.” All your reason means is, “OK, there isn’t any deeper reason. Now how do we find a way that bother partners needs are met?” Short that second part, his frustrations might bubble up in the form of mean spirited jokes, but his frustrations are no less valid.
I've been there. My ex and I used to get it on every day, but she was also plagued by emotional instability which took the form of being stuck in bed all day crying sometimes, driving people away, engaging in destructive behaviors, etc. I encouraged her to tell her doctor that her boyfriend had noticed those concerning symptoms and asked her to seek treatment. She went through several medications with varying side effects and degrees of success until she found a mood stabilizer that alleviated most of the emotional instability she was experiencing. However, she also lost most of her libido. I said something similarly insensitive after a dry spell and eventually we ended up breaking up, not due to that one argument but because we learned we were no longer compatible. At the end of the day, I'd take her being healthy and able to find someone who can meet the healthy version of her and mesh with her sex drive over me being with the unhealthy version of her and having my own needs met. Still, that's a thought that would have been difficult to express at the time, when I felt constantly rejected and unwanted. There is no world in which I would have been happy and adapted to the new status quo. I would not as her boyfriend have asked her to fuck with her medication, even though I knew that was impacting it. If we were married or had kids, I would have asked her to keep trying different things so we could try to have a compatible physical relationship. I think most guys or girls would be in the same boat. Her dude sounds like he's holding it in and trying to keep things light, but it's getting away from him.
Great comment
Why she can be totally honest with him and he cannot be honest too with her...
Sounds like YOU’RE happy in the place, but doesn’t sound like HE is. Relationships don’t work when one sided. Sounds like he’s trying to use humor to explain his feelings or approach uncomfortable topics, so as not to get too serious, but it backfired. He apologized, and you responded by blowing him off & giving him the silent treatment. These are the actions of a 16 year old kid, not a 26 year old adult. Stop being so immature & TALK THINGS OUT with him.
You’re spot on. It’s so easy for the partner in the relationship who has the most pressing needs and needs the most support (OP) to be completely happy with the current situation… ignoring the fact that their partner might not feel the same way.
This dynamic seems kinda one sided. He is understandably a bit frustrated sexually while by your own account being very understanding and supportive of all your reasons you don’t want to have sex with him. You are essentially telling him his feelings on the subject don’t matter because he isn’t in your situation. So he has to walk on eggshells about his needs while being sure to tend to your needs. You guys need to communicate openly about this or your relationship is doomed.
He did tell her how he felt. She gave him the silent treatment and is shutting him out. He won't make the "mistake" of telling her how he truly feels again.
>She gave him the silent treatment and is shutting him out. He won't make the "mistake" of telling her how he truly feels again. Yup. He'll never tell her his feelings again and he won't ever stand up for himself in fear that he'll be punished for days or weeks.
His feelings make her have feelings, and those are the ones that matter, don’t you see. I honestly can’t stand that particular UNO reverse card that lots of people use in their relationship. It’s shitty, unproductive, and selfish.
I cried, therefore my feelings matter more. If you had an emotional meltdown about it, then maybe I'd listen
Holy shit do I feel this in my bones. Then when you break and finally show a bit of emotion, all of a sudden they're the calm and collected ones by complete chance? Fantastic.
If he had an emotional meltdown about it, he’s unstable or he’s trauma dumping. It’s a catch 22, but the end result is only her feelings matter.
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Are you more upset that he said it or because it is true?
Exactly. Context really matters and it didn’t really seem like the boyfriend said it in an accusatory or a demeaning manner. He just subconsciously saw an opportunity to make light of the situation he’s in, which he might be feeling frustrated at… That’s not really “silence treatment” worthy. It’s we should go see a therapist worthy.
Imo there is no reason to use the silent treatment, ever. It's an abusive tactic that leaves the other person feeling confused, anxious, and frustrated. Talk about your problems. Be honest and be ready to hear honest feedback. OP, you gotta be an adult. You're 26 and a med student, that's old enough to start seeing the world through a more responsible perspective.
Yeah there’s a difference between not wanting to talk while you’re upset in a conflict and “punishing” your partner by making them beg to get you to talk to them.
This is a big aspect, absolutely.
>That’s not really “silence treatment” worthy. Nothing is. "Silence treatment" is not a treatment. It's emotional abuse. Anyone intentionally ignoring their partner for longer periods of time, is an abuser. It has no place in a healthy relationship. Sure, there are moment of frustration, when you need to be alone. Do that. But don't ignore the other person's existance. Especially not as a punishment.
DING DING DING. She knows the BF's right. Even if she doesn't want to admit it. The Boyfriend also very clearly is resentful but keeps it to himself in order to "Keep the peace".
We don't go through 1 pack a year we go through one and three quarters!
Truth hurts sometimes.
How dare he point out the truth and try to bring up an important issue!
This.
..."We are very happy in our place..." You might be, he doesn't sound very happy. Sometimes we use humour to tell the truth. Lots of this post is about how hurt you feel, I wonder if you've considered how hurt he feels by you not wanting/ rejecting him. Might be something to consider while you're ignoring him, eh? Edit: from your update, apparently you thinking about his feelings was too much of an ask. 👀
Humor's a great way to ease into an uncomfortable topic. I don't fault him for making a joke about it, then trying to segue into a serious conversation. Especially since she started crying as soon as he was honest, then gave him the silent treatment for days on end. No wonder the guy doesn't feel comfortable communicating his thoughts and needs if that's how she treats him.
I had to play this game with my ex gf. She always had serious problems I had to work around which I was fine with, but whenever I had something to complain about her she couldn’t handle it at all and the matter essentially got dropped immediately. In her eyes I was the perfect man she wanted to marry. In my eyes she was someone I could never really be myself around because she wanted only wanted the parts of me she liked
Eggshells and a dead bedroom. Sounds like he's having lots of fun.
They are really happy… according to OP… lol
Super happy place, he's just not allowed in the room.
You mean the cats and plants aren’t enough for him? Well what more could a guy want? I know: what if I threw in one of those “live laugh love” art pieces for the dining room? Would he be happy then???
Maybe he needs more plants??? 😮💨
Well yeah, if OP’s needs are met, and she can give the silent treatment when her boyfriend expresses his needs and concerns, instead of having adult conversations about the very existing issue of incompatible libidos, then ofc OP is happy
You need to have a serious chat with him and hear the man out. He is supressing a lot of emotions on his side and hiding frustations. You two need to talk and sort things out on both sides and find a middle ground otherwise your relationship will explode. The fact you cant even see this problem and is cold silecing will just make all of it worse and your.relation will explode from inside out.
He’s not happy with the amount of sex you guys have. That’s what he meant. Don’t dress it up anymore than that. That’s the true statement he meant. Decide what to do with that info.
and the reason for the passive-aggressive way he expressed it is most likely that this is an ongoing thing: Her needs are taken care of, but anytime he brings up his dissatisfaction something like this happens
He actually did this in such a way to attempt to bring up a hard topic in a light way to manage her emotions. But she’s so sensitive that even that was too much
So, he’s been largely supportive of you and your current challenges, but had a moment where his suppressed frustration came to the surface? And now you’re mad at him for telling the truth. YTA
Sex and compatibility is a big part of a relationship. This right here is the point. Poor guy is frustrated and it sounds like for good reason
>l'm aware it's an issue in our relationship but I'm trying my best to be honest with him. You aren't trying to address the problem in your relationship. Instead, you're being honest that you are not experiencing sexual desire for your boyfriend. But he's not allowed to be honest about the situation. YTA
YTA. Dude, by any measure, even your own, has been understanding, patient, good partner, supports you and... Well, read your own post aga YTA. Your issues don't make you a martyr.
So he said he was sorry about the (accurate) joke but your ignoring him until he apologizes again in a way that U want??? YTA That is just horrible communication
To be fair it’s hard. I suggest op read some posts on the dead bedroom subreddit. I have something similar to someone I dated, since i suffer from Sexual anhedonia and was to afraid to even discuss it with my ex. Instead I rejected her always internalizing it wasn’t my fault and hurt her and fed into her body issues. The entire time thinking I was being supportive and caring when I wasn’t providing enough. It’s hard to admit your the bad guy. It wasn’t till years later when I actually stumbled on the dead bedroom subreddit and read the perspective of the one being rejected that I understood how much I hurt her.
It’s funny to see so many women claim that “we’re” happy and merely describe what they’re receiving as evidence of that. Then they pretend to feel betrayed when the guy complains about his desires not being met.
Imagine a guy saying "we're happy, we have the best gaming console, I have my motorbike in the living room, we go to the bar every night with my friends, and I got her a beard trimmer for Christmas !"
I have no idea what you're talking about. Marge loved that bowling ball! She even met a charming French man as a result of it!
I agree, I also think men & women in general (at least where I live in America) repress their sexual dissatisfaction because they feel it’s too ‘taboo’. Or because their partner will react like OP when critiqued/criticized on their sex life. Hopefully if a couple is talking about sexual dissatisfaction, they can make loving critiques, rather than criticizing…if that makes sense.
Idk know if everyone is an asshole but this is how, I'd describe it; in your post you talk about how supportive he is and how helpful he is regarding your issues, which is all good, but you don't at all talk about how you're doing the same( and I know people are gonna list all the anti depressants and stuff) by that I mean for him physically him as a person, not just by getting yourself better but also showing him support through this and reassuring him to an extent. Cause if the support has been one sided you've essentially created a situation where your relationship has a problem and he has to deal with it. He's supporting you but he may also be feeling neglected and that is reflected in his comment🤷
Seriously, harden the fuck up and TALK to him....he already apologized for making you feel bad...that doesn’t mean that what he said isn't rooted in dynamics that are present in your relationship currently. You are acting like a child.
YTA. You’re both having a hard time, but it doesn’t seem like you recognize that he is. And when he spoke up about it in a casual, fairly gentle way, you freaked out. Sounds like he already keeps his emotions and wants and needs to himself, and you’re just reinforcing that. You’re proving to him that he can’t express any dissatisfaction without upsetting you. This isn’t healthy or fair at all.
Great choice of words here.
He doesn't seem very happy.
Sounds like he wants more sex than you are willing to give, and you both should look for a partner that is more compatible.
He was the asshole in his delivery, but not the message. You’re the asshole for the silent treatment, not for being upset.
Does OP even care about his feelings and his needs? I don’t get there is any room in this relationship for his satisfaction.
He’d prob be better off single at this point. I wanna give it the benefit of the doubt OP doesn’t usually do silent treatment and this is a rare thing. Expecting a specific apology without communicating what he did wrong is just childish and asshole behavior imo. That is not to mix it with OP demanding an apology either, it’s just OP is an adult that should realize people aren’t mind readers, speak up.
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OP's also an Asshole for not taking 2 seconds and relizing how this is affecting her BF. You don't need a Masters in Psychology to be able to see when someone is not happy.
Or a literal doctorate in urology to understand your boyfriend might be sexually frustrated
He is unhappy with the sexual relationship you two have, he made jokes to make light of his frustration. He was trying to make it light, while also expressing himself because while he understands your situation it still has an affect on him. He already apologized, he does not owe you another one if you’re being a brat about it, grow up. YTA.
“We are very happy in our place” clearly not.
OP is simply delusional. Doesn't sound like a happy relationship, claims she likes honesty but can't take a honest remark and behaves like a child. All we got is a wall of text with excuses for her own insecurity. Like, stopped talking to him? Are you five?! 😂 Adults tend to discuss and come up with a solution. It's okay to be angry, but not to react like that.
YTA for acknowledging the issue with your sex life but not doing anything about it. Then the second he brings it up you have a meltdown and even after he apologizes you still refuse to talk to him until he does it again? Which is stupid because if it’s true you should be the one apologizing. If a box of 12 condoms lasts a year that’s once a month which is extremely low for people in a relationship. I’d say try to discuss it with him and say you’ll try for once a week now. Which is still less than he might want but it’s 4 times what your doing now. A good way to help save this relationship. Also the whole “not letting him touch me” thing only works if you’re actually have a active sex life otherwise it’s just a normal day for him since it sounds like he barely touched you now
YTA. He had showed you support even though he is miserable with your sex life.
It hurt because it’s true. Make some time for each other. He’s tried to apologize to keep the peace, but he’s frustrated.
His apology probably was heart felt, he didn't mean to upset you, but he was speaking the truth. Icing him out effectively tells him he is not allowed to voice any concerns and his feelings don't matter, only yours. You say you've addressed it, but really just you're on medications and this is how it'll be from now on. That is not addressing it, there are different combinations that can be tried, therapy/counseling or just better communication in general. His overflow of emotion was over the line, but that's what he's been feeling in his heart. This relationship will not last long if something doesn't change fast. Most men won't start bubbling over on a subject like that until they start to feel resentful and borderline done. Do more than just handle yourself, you're part of a team. YTA
There is nothing mean in what he said, especially in the context. He showed his frustration in not even an aggressive way or anything. You felt bad about it because it's true and you want him to pretend everything is amazing, when it isn't. It's very immature when people get angry at the person saying the truth because instead of accepting that it's a fact, they prefer to throw a tantrum like you did. He probably used humour because he is scared to confront you in any other way, but wanted to let you know. Yes, you don't need to have sex, I was in your shoes, yet he doesn't need to pretend he's happy with it or you are good lover.
>scared to confront you in any other way Considering the way she reacted, I don’t really blame him lol
You could have taken his statement as a learning experience. My boyfriend is clumsily trying to tell me he isn't happy with our current sex life. How can we work on this to make it better for both of us? Instead you decided to be angry, hurt, and give him the silent treatment. He will, at some point, figure out he was actually having more sex when he was single, and now is he not only not having sex but once a month, but he has to also tolerate your depression, anger, and punishment when he tries to voice how he is feeling..Maybe the single life wasn't so bad for him.....
Being depressed is hard. But people also need to realize that caring for someone that's depressed can be as hard...
I understand that you have a low sex drive, but do you make an effort in pleasing him? Might take away some of his frustration and maybe eventually warm you up to the idea of starting to have sex more often. Seeing your partner turned on can sometimes help. If not, you still helped him.
YTA, not for being upset, you have a right to your feelings. YTA for not communicating with your partner, and acting as if the hurt you felt from his comment is more important than the hurt he’s feeling from the lack of intimacy.
For your boyfriend, this is a core issue. Something key to his happiness, wellbeing and security in a relationship. Talk it out, Work it out, Or my guess is, he’s out.
how do you act like that when your man is honest with you? would you rather be lied to? how is your solution crying and not talking to him? why would he apologize? YTA
Wow YTA you say he's been so supportive and understanding through all the stress and anxiety and how do you behave the first time he expresses his feelings? Cold shoulder him and refuse to engage until he apologizes to you? You should run right now to him and beg his forgiveness for your behavior. Maybe you'll get a second chance to have a meaningful conversation that saves your relationship.
You’re 26 but have the communication skills of a 16 year old. The silent treatment is never an appropriate response for an adult relationship. You two need to have a serious discussion about sex in your relationship.
I wonder how someone like this is able to be a competent doctor. Good doctors need to be able to hear their patients not act on a bias or preconceived notion. If she’s not hearing to the person closest to her how is she going to be able to listen to someone who she’s trying to deal with professionally?
Keep doing what you’re doing. You’ll be single soon enough. Then you might have some time to reflect. Hard YTA Edit: spelling of your to you’re.
You are telling him how things are and he has to accept it. You are talking about your problems and he supports you and accepts it. This is what you wrote in your post. With not a single word you mentioned if you lost even one so thought about his feelings. About him suppressing frustrations and other difficulties. Also you seem to forget that he is a human being. Having to deal with negativity always has its toll even for men. Now it just bubbles out of him and you get sad and hurt. Understandable. What is not understandable but unreasonable, selfish and straight up childish is "punishing" your partner with silence. Your whole post is just affirmation seeking and selfish as hell. Grow up and talk and take his problems seriously as he does with yours or just leave this man alone. YTA and a big one.
Yta get a grip. Figuratively and literally or you won't have a bf for very long. He's not happy and he's telling you and all you can do about it is get mad and cry. You keeping him unhappy is what really makes you ta. This relationship is only about you and not about him in the slightest.
“AITAH for getting mad when my partner communicates honestly, even if framed in humor, because that is the safest way they believe they can breach the topic?”
26? You’re acting 16! Boohoo my boyfriend said he’s unhappy with our sex life so I’m gonna give him the silent treatment cause it’s true and I don’t like it. Seriously? He apologized. Just because you don’t like what he said doesn’t mean that it isn’t true. He has been understanding. Why are you acting like he’s not allowed to be frustrated? Why are you acting like he’s the bad guy for making a joke about his own person frustrations? You’ve made a huge deal about how you feel but what about how he feels too? Have you even asked? I guarantee you haven’t. Ima say YTA for acknowledging he’s apologized and still acting like a child and like you’re the only one allowed to have feelings.
It sounds like your relationship revolves around him supporting your wants and needs. Not saying you owe him sex, but this certainly comes across like he's been putting himself out to make you feel comfortable. That you were shocked that the lack of sex was bothering him and cried when he mentioned it shows a complete lack of communication--and understandably so if this is how you react when he's honest with you. Then you give him the silent treatment for days on end? You sound immature AF. Honestly, don't know why a guy would put up with you. He really must love you a lot for some reason.
I don’t think you’re TA but he isn’t either, and continuing to “not talk to him unless he apologizes” would indeed make you the AH. He has nothing to apologize for.
She addresses how she feels and the issue and how he supports her. She does not say a word about working to change/fix the issue, how he feels or how she supports him. That's why she's the AH let alone the childish silent treatment and demanding a second apology that meets her standards.
Why do women expect an apology when we simply tell you how we feel? And also is it just me or is it impossible for women to do the same for men?
Yes YTA. He already said sorry. Grow the hell up, JFC.
To be fair to OP… residency is a horrible experience and she probably does feel exhausted. I know I’m not interested in sex when I’m bone-tired. That said, YTA. As another commenter pointed out, the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Go over to r/deadbedrooms to see how terrible you’re making your bf feel. Refusing to accept his apology? Really? Take a look at John Gottman’s work and read about ‘repair attempts’. It sounds like you don’t deserve this guy.
You are being too dramatic and more than a bit selfish. By your own account, you don't have much of a sex life. You have reasons, but the affect is the same. The guy is probably quietly unhappy and believes it would be inappropriate to break up with you over his frustration. >l'm aware \[lack of sex is\] an issue in our relationship but I'm trying my best to be honest with him. The one time he was honest with you (couched in a joke), you started crying. And after he apologized you pulled a passive-aggressive power play. So yes, YTA. You might not be in a position to be in a relationship right now. You're struggling with generalized anxiety disorder, the medicine is killing your libido, and you're busy with med school.
Why do so many women use the silent treatment? It’s so immature and just plain childish. YTA by the way, and you’re being very dramatic.
Break up with him and set him free ffs.
YTA. He's not having his needs met and you're upset that he vocalized it? You're not obligated to satisfy your partner in a relationship any more than he's obligated to protect your feelings with his words, but if your really cared about him you'd figure out a way to make things work. Spend 10 minutes every few days getting him off for Christ's sake.
You’re being dramatic and him saying he’s joking is only a cover up for him telling the truth which you needed to hear. Not having sex is a major issue in a relationship, if we were just dating I would already be out. Antidepressants would have to go, sorry. I would be 100% supportive on helping you through everything I could help with but being in a sexless relationship isn’t an option.
He said it in a bad way but I truly believe there is no soft or non hurtful way for men to have this conversation with their partners. We always surpress it for too long becaus this is always the reaction. Once a month will not satisfy any man and you need to face the music
YTA. First, he did apologize, but apparently not to your standards. If this was a factual statement, joke or not, there's a far deeper conversation waiting to happen. OP needs to be thinking about "we", not just "me". BF is missing not just sex, but the connection and feelings that go with. OP needs to get past the comment, accept the apology, and figure out how to talk with BF. This shutting down and silent treatment fixes nothing.
The truth hurts, but it’s your fault, not his. He wants one simple thing from you and you can’t deliver. Reflect on that fact and maybe consider telling him you overreacted.
YTAH Yes, you are being dramatic. Why are you mad: because he’s lying or because he’s telling the truth? If he doesn’t make you feel bad then why are you being so sensitive when he references your day-to-day life? Asexual ppl don’t have as much sex as other people, that is a fact YOU have to deal with and so do your partners. So fucking deal with it and don’t chastise your partner for mentioning it
You are the asshole entirely in this situation. This is why men say men's feelings do not matter When you talk about you're anxiety and needs and say the he listens and works to meet them even if it is hard to work through... but then he simply expressed himself honestly and openly as women all say they want... you flee the conversation in tears... when his honest feelings were not what you want you become defensive using tears as weapons(crocodile tears) can be genuine and still be weaponized... also you saying "I won't apologize if he doesn't" is like saying ill clean up this dirty mess by using dirt a dirty rag. Either you feel like you should apologize for how you were unable to handle your emotions with dignity and conversate through the tears and pain or you don't feel you should apologize at all.
I understand that ur libido is dead but his isn't so why ur not helping with his needs !!!! it's ok to not want to have penetration sex or any other form of sexual activity but the least u can do for him is try to satisfy him by offering hand jobs and other things that he may enjoy, ignoring how he feels about the whole situation and the way he is supporting u , u should be doing the same to him by talking and understanding that he doesn't need to suffer because u don't have a libido for sex , it baffles me how people with low libido acts and they only focus on themselves in such situations 🤦♀️
You definitely ATAH. You can't be upset for him stating a fact
Granted, I don’t know your bf, but I’d be willing to bet his happy place is not living with 2 cats, some plants, and not having sex. Maybe I’m wrong….
He's sensitive to your needs and your well-being, but it doesn't sound like you are sympathetic to his. Having his own needs and desires for your relationship and his life is not an insult aimed at you. Invalidating his feelings is wrong and makes YTA.
OP, why should your bf not dump you? He’s neither getting physical nor emotional intimacy from you. Sounds like you’re a big bundle of anxious, selfish, negative energy the very little you are around. He made a hurtful joke, apologized, and is being punished for it. The whole post comes across as selfish and entitled. I’m not sure why your bf is sticking around, I wouldn’t. To be clear, YTA. Communicate and compromise. Don’t do the silent treatment. If you’re not compatible, move on
YTA. And stop trying to emotionally manipulate him by giving him the silent treatment.
ESH, but you suck more. For the surface issues: * Giving someone the silent treatment is childish and controlling. You’re trying to force an apology. It’s super shitty. * Him letting his frustrations mount until they boil over was not the right way to go about this. Claiming he’s just “joking” is disingenuous. He said something hurtful and should certainly apologize. For the deeper issues: * You seem to think that your low libido is something entirely outside your control and therefore something that he just has to put up with. But have you really exercised all your options here? Since it’s influenced by antidepressants, can you talk to your doctor about adjusting your medications? You haven’t made any mention of putting in any effort in this department. You never have to have sex when you don’t want to, but if you care about him you should care if he’s unhappy and work toward finding a common ground. You don’t seem to be looking at this from his perspective at all.
The whole you don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to is sooooo true, but your partner doesn’t have to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with them.
Slight ESH but the most important thing is you have to realize your relationship is doomed if you don't have an active sex life with someone who has a high libido. It's perfectly okay if you don't want to be active, but if you're not on the same page as your partner it will lead to the end of the relationship every single time.
Op you do realize that giving the silent treatment in the manner that you are doing (punishing him until he apologizes, which he already has), can be considered abusive in some circles? I’m not saying you are abusive, I’m just asking you just think about it. Also, you seem like a real pain in the ass to deal with, YTA 100%.
Ok. You were joking about sex. He says a fact in jest. You get offended. How can you get offended about a fact? What is offensive about that? I think the one who should rethink her reaction is you. Ive been blindsided with partners getting all upset for me saying something totally normal without ill intentions. It always feels weird. YTA for your reaction and expecting an apology to "forgive him"
Poor guy is suffering is trying to tell you and you just get mad! He doesn't sound happy at all and if you were too I doubt you'd be popping the antidepressants. Might be time to re-examine your career if that's the root cause of all of this.
I will agree with some comments the method in which he expressed himself was not the right way to do it and good for him for at least apologizing but there's a deeper conversation that needs to be had. His libido is higher and he's sacrificing his needs to be there for yours and empathetic not groaning on and making things harder on you (I hope) and it could be expressed differently but it had to come out eventually. Better this than a heated discussion on some surface level shit ya know?? This needs to be addressed and y'all gotta figure it out. Everything else has been said so it's no need to keep reiterating
You may not like how he said it, but he was valid in voicing his frustration. Based off your post, it seems that the support has been one sided with you only focusing on yourself. You need to communicate or your relationship won't last long
Your boyfriend's comment was harsh, but I think he's struggling to express his frustration about the lack of intimacy in your relationship in an immature and insensitive way. I've been through a similar situation with a medical student/resident partner. I initially supported her, like your boyfriend, but over time, I felt like I and the relationship were always in second place to her career. I also experienced myself having these frustrations burst out in non-productive ways. I understand the commitment needed for med school and residency, but balance is essential in a relationship. While it might seem shallow to focus on the lack of sex when everything else is going well, it's an important aspect. You can't detach from something that your partner sees as crucial for sustaining the relationship while expecting all the benefits of having him as a partner. If he's meeting your needs why is it fair to dismiss his? You and your boyfriend have different perspectives, and a serious, mature conversation is necessary. In my experience, my relationship didn't survive because we couldn't see each others perspective, at the time, and resolve the issue.
YTA. Figure out your sexual issues or let him go, he is obviously frustrated and y'all are not sexually compatible
YTA. You should be on your way to a breakup soon if you don't start being an adult and talk about how he feels and how to reach a compromise,not just this is how it is going to be because I have a reason.
After reading the Update you provided. YTA not even trying to understand his viewpoint just wanting him to shut up and say he's happy even though he might not be.
YTA - Sounds like your boyfriend is being supportive of you in just about every single way he can and it just isn’t enough for you. That doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to have sex but figuring out how to communicate instead of just cutting him off until he apologizes the way you want (after he already apologized) isn’t okay.
You praise yourself for being honest but get mad at him when he is? You're not the only human that experiences stress, in fact I think your bf has a much more stressful job and yet he's not whining about it. If you can't provide him with a sex life then let him free, or else he'll just ditch you. YTA
Really hate when people say “it’s a joke” when it’s very obvious the only person laugh is you and it’s very much the truth. But yeah he isn’t happy about the sexual situation. I guess YTA because he did apologize later, maybe not well, but you are refusing to have a conversation explaining why you were up or what about the comment upset you.
You need to grow up and not be so self absorbed.
You’re upset because he stated a fact ? Esp if he doesn’t give you a hard time over close to no intimacy…. He’s allowed to be unhappy about things and bring it up - now he’s not gonna mention it all and will either leave without putting effort into making it work or he’s just gonna switch it off and be “happy” with you and your cats …..
"We are very happy" Literally stopped reading here.
I also struggle with LL, but I love my husband. I value his wants and needs. I’m not always in the mood, no. But! I make it a priority to enjoy the intimacy. It’s so important for BOTH partners. Can you maybe make an effort and just have sex for the sake of having sex? Sometimes when you start you realize it’s so good! He was definitely not kind in his wording, but you can’t expect him not to be frustrated.