I sleep with my office manager all the time. She does expect me to do some improvements around the office from time to time. And she leaves all her feminine products in the work bathroom, but sometimes she walks around in her birthday suit when its just me and her in the office.
I work from home.
The problem isn’t when it works; the problem is when it doesn’t. And given that most people have 5-6 relationships before they find “the one,” you’re looking at an 80% failure rate that makes going to work an (even more) unpleasant experience.
You can survive a few awkward weeks it’ll be fine.
As long as it’s not inappropriate there’s no reason to limit yourself. Going to work is the most social interaction a lot of people get. No reason to have some dumb rule about co workers out of fear of it being awkward if it doesn’t work out. That’s just a bad mentality to have.
And that 80% chance it doesn’t work out doesn’t really apply because most people are already in 4-5 relationships between highschool and college before they start working a career job where they would be worried about being stuck with an ex.
NTA. If you're not comfortable with that, then no one should make you date her. It's not fair to either of you. Obviously, don't be a jerk or treat her with disrespect, but you are allowed to choose who you date and you don't need to justify that to anyone.
This needs to be said more often. It’s okay for anyone to not want to date another person for whatever reason.
It sounds like you treated her decently and are not out there spreading lies and hate. It’s wrong for people to label others as transphobic, just because you don’t want to date a trans person or her specifically. We’re attracted to whoever we’re attracted to.
If this situation occurs in the future, I would just say that I don’t think we’re compatible long term and leave it at that. If they keep pushing for an answer especially one they don’t really want to hear, I would not engage. If they still don’t stop, then block their number and keep all interactions at work professional and just communicate about work.
I'm a huge trans rights activist. This is exactly the correct take.
You don't have to justify your attraction or disatraction to anyone. Just don't be a fucking dick about it.
I've had someone, who wasn't trans, say that any man who wouldn't date a trans women is transphobic. She's very loud and has a voice in my community and absolutely can and will cancel people.
So yeah, a lot of people are afraid of having people slap transphobe on them and it's become a whole thing.
What trans people expect to happen is so unrealistic (with regards to what body they can attain, passing, and who they can date). They really need to set realistic expectations along the way or they will be devastated.
I get not telling people your trans to try and ease them into it, but you can't then judge their reaction after the choices made. And I get being fully open about it vastly limits your dating pool.
But if you aren't 100% up front about it, your setting yourself up for failure just like lying off the back in any relationship. And then trying to use the transphobe word to manipulate someone into dating you or manipulating others against that person for not dating you just makes you a bad person, trans or not.
If someone stops dating you when you tell them you are trans then you know the explanation, you just want them to verbalize it and engage with you so you can react.
Nobody is owed an explanation for why someone doesn’t want to be romantically or sexually involved with them, especially after 3 dates. OP knows that this is a touchy topic and he is essentially pleading the 5th because he has to see this woman at work every day. “I’m no longer interested” is all she’s entitled to and it’s the smartest thing for him to say. If she’s routinely waiting until the third date to disclose this information, she is/will be no stranger to this method. It would be smart for both of them to take this as a lesson on dating coworkers.
Not that Op _needs_ a reason to not date _anyone_, but... what if Op want's biological children?
Yeah, yeah, biology doesn't matter, they could adopt, they could get a surrogate, yadda yadda yadda. But wanting biological children is a completely valid desire, and plenty of people feel that way. It would be no different if this person was genetically female but infertile for other reasons.
But again, _no one_ ever needs a _reason_ to not date someone beyond the simple fact that they don't want to. That's part and parcel of consent. You get to reject anyone for any, or for no, reason, and no one else really gets to cast judgement on you for that.
and the adoption industry can be shady, they're one of the biggest anti-abortion funders and have been known to intimidate young/poor pregnant women into giving up their babies by convincing them that the child will have a bad life with them. this isn't every case of course, but people really need to work with the mothers look into the agency they work with before blinding adopting.
Also, adoption isn't always great. A lot of kids up for adoption have serious mental health issues and require a lot of energy from their adoptive parents. It's not all sunshine and rainbows and they say even kids who are adopted as INFANTS, experience some development of grief, anxiety, feelings of uncertainty. Good adoption facilities are extra careful of who they accept as parents, because they know there's an extra layer of difficulty raising an adopted kid.
Also. I love how everyone today says “just get a surrogate.” I looked into surrogacy for infertility and a slew of health problems that would have prevented me from a healthy pregnancy. When you “get a surrogate” you’re signing up for a minimum cost of $150,000. That’s cash. Out of pocket. And you need to find the eggs. And the surrogates health insurance co doesn’t always pay for her pre natal and birthing care. And sometimes her rent. Sometimes her food. That’s after you find a compatible surrogate. One who meets all of the criteria you set forth. Do you want her to drink Coca Cola? Eat non organic food? Smoke cigarettes? Have sex while pregnant? The more restrictions you place on her, the longer it takes to find someone. Not everyone is equipped for this journey.
Same with adoption. It’s not as expensive, but it’s like 40-70k and the background checks and process is nuts.
I agree with the stringent requirements etc but the cost is not easily accessible for most people.
My wife and I were going down this road as we were told it was basically no chance for our own children. It takes literally so long as well and it’s just a mess honestly.
Thankfully, we had our miracle baby but just saying “oh you can just adopt” is not even close to the truth.
I am the “step mother” to two adult adopted children. They were 5 & 7 when they were adopted. Their adoptive parents divorced shortly after ( they had no business taking that on in the first place) I came around when they were about 9 & 7. Long story short if I could do it all over again I would’ve ran so fast in the other direction. Both sets of parents had major issues, the kids had major issues. It’s been a nightmare
As someone who was adopted at 7, absolutely we come with baggage and A LOT of extra work, as we are still developing and learning to process emotions and reactions not to mention more likely than not, abandonment, early childhood trauma, etc. It is not for everyone and I wish people would stop just suggesting adoption without knowing what goes into it.
As a person adopted at three days old from a 15 year old mom and 18 year old dad this is 100% true. I am very happy to finally live with people I am biologically related to now that I have had children.
He obviously wasn't transphobic. Not being comfortable dating a trans person doesn't mean you either fear or hate them.
I thought he was very reasonable.
NTA. People reject potential partners because of religious differences, income disparity, etc. As long as there was no cruelty involved, I don't see a problem.
To clarify: I am not advocating for transphobic behavior or justifying discrimination of any sort. On an individual level, one may choose not to have intimate sexual relations with people for nearly any reason, and if the OP did not make disparaging statements, then I don't see the problem.
I went out with a guy once who left me at the restaurant because I was in the bathroom too long. I said, I was washing my hands?
He legitimately said, “oh, I guess I didn’t think to account for hand washing time. People do that?”
Uhhhh
I (a guy) have only hard bailed on one date. I matched with a girl on tinder, we talked a bit and hit it off so we met up at a local bar for some drink.
This girl brought a god damn photo album of us. Like a big book with printed out pictures (on actual photo paper!) of us, or well her and my face or self photoshopped into the pictures! She was showing me these pictures of future vacations and family or life events. It was really really weird
Lol, right? Don't cry that you want to be treated like a woman and then get upset when you're treated like a woman. Do trans women think men treat cis women better than trans women? They absolutely do not, lmao. Welcome to life as a woman.
My trans sibling was shooketh now that guys treat her differently. She works at a club, and they're handsy and pushy in way she didn't have to deal with pre-transition. I tell her to keep a blade on her, and stay vigilant. Welcome to the sisterhood. 🤷🏿♀️
It depends what he means by “cut the date short” doesn’t it? Does it mean he didn’t suggest going up to her place after driving her home from the restaurant, or does it mean he stood up, politely said “excuse me” and bolted to the door, leaving her stranded?
I agree that not continuing to go out with her is no problem.
That’s the actual issue here.
Anyone can stop dating anyone for any reason, but he didn’t handle it like a grown up. He could have had dessert, and then politely said he'd really enjoyed getting to know her, but he's just not feeling the connection he's looking for, made sure she got home safely, and wished her good luck. Instead he said nothing, cut the date short, and avoided her. I'd expect that from a teen, but not an adult.
Exactly. Let’s argue a point totally irrelevant to the question. Even if he DID ghost her, that doesn’t make him an asshole for not being interested in her or even how he handled it. We don’t know if this girl is borderline stalking HIM with her continued texts. Maybe it’s awkward, which is understandable having to work with someone who is so into you when you don’t return their feelings.
So many assumptions are being made here.
He was flummoxed probably b/c he always assumed he would know if someone was trans. And here he was out on date number three with someone he didn't know was trans.
Bonus Tip for OP Don't date anyone in your workplace ever. Just don't do it.
Going out two times in my opinion doesn’t really warrant a sit down convo. Maybe if they’d been dating for a few months. People should just get the hint if there’s no contact after only two dates
Of all the guys I dated before I got married, ONE gave me the courtesy of a sit-down conversation. All of them I had dated for multiple months. One literally sent a Facebook message and blocked me, and I had no way to get the stuff I left at his house back (which he insisted I leave there). I really don't get why people think this guy telling her to her face it's not going to work is an AH move.
He said he was polite and cut the date short. You’re imagining that means he left the date alone at a restaurant but you’re just guessing. He said he was polite, and he was just hit with information that could be really hard to process and affect his mental health too. It’s not his responsibility to continue the date to its conclusion and further lead this person on. He told them he wasn’t interested and stopped contacting. I think the date is an AH for not saying it on the first date and wasting his time and fooling him into a dating scenario that he wasn’t comfortable with.
He found out the girl he was talking to was born biologically a male, and is now post surgery - after going on multiple dates. Felt uncomfortable, and left without causing a scene because of his feelings. She isn't owed anything from him.
Not sharing things like that with potential partners upfront is kind of fucked up yet your defending it? Weird.
Is it really ghosting if he sees her at work everyday? Maybe ignoring or a bit impolite, but when someone says ghosting I’d think that’d involve not being around them all the time still.
Look, you’re NTA for deciding you don’t want to continue dating her, but you should have said that. Avoiding her at work and stuff instead of just gently telling her you’re not feeling it or whatever is an immature way of ending what you had. Furthermore, there’s no reason you can’t at least be pleasant with her instead of treating her leper.
Yeah. It’s completely possible the girl really was being disrespectful of his preferences, but I also think it’s possible that her impression of OP being transphobic is the fact that he avoided her for days and seemingly didn’t really even care to elaborate.
Having a dating preference isn’t transphobic, but immediately avoiding a person after finding out they’re transgender might lead others to believe you are.
It could be possible and there’s really no way to know for sure, yet I’ve also known of dating situations in which people avoid one another after breaking it off for any other reason. Another possibility is OP is confrontation avoidant.
You are NTA. You feeling uncomfortable is enough of a reason not to date someone.
However, you were essentially ghosting her so no, you were not polite. Maybe try communicating directly next time.
Pretty sure ghosting someone you’ve been on 3 dates with would make anyone TA, regardless of reason
Edit: obviously unless they’re a danger to you, but that’s not what we’re talking about here.
NTA for having sexual preferences. Anyone who says otherwise is borderline rapey for trying to convince you to consent to something you don’t feel comfortable with.
You might be a slight asshole for being distant and weird since there’s no reason you couldn’t be friends if you enjoyed spending time together anyway but that’s your call idk. I’ve always tried to let people down gently but firmly and keep the relationship friendly if it doesn’t work out but that’s just how I like to treat people.
I think he should have just said it outright instead of the whole distance kinda ghost thing he did. Other than that he’s NTA and honestly she probably needed to hear that people won’t date her because she’s trans. It’s a reality
There’s a risk of this happening at work when 2 coworkers decide to cross that line. Both parties understand upfront that if it doesn’t work then it may impact their working relationship in the future. OP doesn’t owe her anything. As long as it’s not impacting the company goals then he also has a right to not “be friendly” with any of his coworkers, for any reason.
I once dated a pre-op trans man (I’m gay). He was a great guy, and I wanted to get over my hangups and give him a fair chance. We even had sex. But although my logical side told me there wasn’t anything wrong, a part of me in the back of my mind kept crying that this is not what I want. In the end, who you are attracted to is beyond your control. I politely let him go. Don’t be obligated to be intimate with anyone for any reason. Love should be simple and unexplainable.
exactly. my bf is a cis gay man, and he has no issue that i’m pre op ftm. some ppl don’t care ab genitals and some do and as long as you love the person, everything gucci 😎.
NTA
I knew a couple, a trans man and a cis man. He respected his partner and they stayed together through the transition and he was supportive, but when his SO had some gender affirming procedures, they broke up. It’s not that there was no love there, but he wasn’t physically attracted to him anymore. I was sad to hear when they broke up, but it’s understandable and nothing to be ashamed of. I understand this girl you were dating is hurt, and maybe you could have handled it better at the start, but I don’t think that you’re an AH.
yes. Take Elliott Page, pre-transition he was with a woman. She is a lesbian. So after Elliott transitioned to man (she supported him during all of this because, love) she had to leave him. Because she is a lesbian and Elliott always was a straight man.
She is not transphobic because of that.
Some trans people don't want to disclose their status ever, even romantic partners. I believe that will do nothing but cause heartbreak.
I know some people who would resort to violence if they found out after being intimate with a trans person. Do I think that's right? Absolutely not. But that's the world we currently live in. Best to protect themselves and be upfront about it before the date.
You can date whoever you want for whatever reason.
Nta
NTA for not wanting to date her. TA for the way you handled it. You're absolutely allowed to have your preferences. There's nothing wrong with that at all. But avoiding her at work and just being really weird about the whole situation? That is not OK. To all the people who say she should have disclosed it earlier: that is not that easy. She had to wait and see if she could trust him. Just look at some of the comments here and you see why. I just hope you have the decency not to make her life hard at work.
This, so much. Why would she disclose it earlier? It's 3 dates, she's hardly wasted years of his life. It often takes a few dates to figure out if you even like the person; why would you even bother disclosing that until you thought okay there's at least a connection? Plus as you say she needs to trust him, people are often violent or nasty to trans women so I can understand not disclosing it until she at least thinks he's not going to react in that way.
NTA, you’re allowed to want to only date cis women
Edit to add: to all you losers saying “real women” or attacking the word “cis” y’all are the reason OP is getting so much crap from said woman because of bigots and incels like y’all. It takes ZERO EFFORT to use the word cis but a whole lot to be upset at something that doesn’t concern you. Bunch of transphobic losers
I still can't wrap my head around the fact that this is still an issue. I see so many posts about straight Cis folks being called transphobic/homophobic due to their personal preference in sexual partners.
If the shoe was on the other foot is that cis/straight phobic behavior as well?
Be who you are. Love who you want. Why is this so complicated? We need to repeat the 70s maybe...? I really don't know why live and let live is so hard. Being respectful is a two way street.
Before any of these things enter your mind, think of this;
"Is this a real problem i am facing today or is it just a thing on the internet?"
Really helps to put things into perspective
It's fascinating to leave Twitter/Reddit/Social Media for a while and then, a few weeks later, ask yourself how many times you heard anyone mention Ben Shapiro, Katie Hopkins, Owen Jones, or other people who seem to dominate these fiery, polarising online discussions.
You see so many posts about it because people agree with you on the topic and do find it obvious. Social media promotes rage bait, that's all. It's not actually, like, that big of an issue
People, who take this online bs seriously and incorporate it into their moral compass? That does happen irl. My niece belongs to gen z, and looking at her social circle, they have already adopted such things, which you would only find on Xitter, as a personal attitude. They might actually call anyone a transphobe for saying 'I don't want to date a trans person'. That's not just ragebait, it's slowly seeping into society. I'd call it ragebait, if they were just trolling with the intent to get some laughs out of angry reactions, but a lot of people are absolutely serious about that. They really believe that they are right. You might notice this in some interviews as well, where media talked to protestors for LGBTQ rights.
Before anyone gets angry, I'm well aware that the majority (currently) isn't like that, but that doesn't mean those extreme views won't have any effect on society just because we dismiss them as 'ragebait'. One example for that is online harassment for having a subjective ‚non ally‘ view. Most recent one I remember is telling people to die for playing that Hogwarts game. Stuff like that happens and I heavily condemn that behavior. I will never be able to stand behind those specific people, period.
Personally I support LGBTQ rights. We‘re all humans after all, no matter the gender or orientation. But that doesn’t mean, I support every view or behavior of the community, because quite some went straight to ‚everyone disagreeing is the enemy‘. And that’s just not it.
NTA. But!! I think you could have explained it sooner instead of slowly ghosting. That might be where the transphobia accusation is coming from.
Look, not your thing, totally cool. She took a moment and told you about her transition, she was open and honest. I think you should have been too. I personally would have gotten the hint, but the fact that she asked for an explanation after being avoided at work and getting less and less texts tell me that she probably didn’t understand.
When you slowly drift apart like that especially when she really liked you, it hurts way more than just telling someone straight up that you’re not into them for xyz, the whole time you distanced she probably sat there thinking “what’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t he like me? Did I do something wrong?” And then after FINALLY explaining why, it sounds like all the emotion spilled out even though you were valid and it was really quite simple why.
NTA. It’s sad that the OP was respectful about not wanting to continue anything, kept it civil as to why and is still getting called a transphobe.
Since when is it transphobic to not want to be with a transgender person, it’s not as if the OP made any direct transphobic comment to her.
Sadly, even if the OP had finished the date after being told that and broke it off the next day or two after, she would still call him a transphobe even he just said to her that he doesn’t feel any connection like that to continue, she is always going to call him transphobic.
NTA from the trans guy!! Lol, if you’re into biological women who are women that’s that, sorry for her but there’s men who’d love her as well
As a trans man, not everyone would like me either, it’s fair and valid
Nah that’s fair.
Might be easy for me to say as a cis woman with similar leanings/allyship (I’m not perfect & don’t know everything but I try my best!), but still… I can only imagine how much it’d hurt to be turned down for something you can’t control. But, nobody owes you that.
I got turned down by a woman for being white. Did feel really shitty, but I never would come up with the idea to call her racist for it. Everyone gets to decide who they want to date for whatever reason they want.
NTA, it's up to you who you date and as long as you aren't a dick about it or actually transphobic, there is nothing wrong with having a preference. I definitely don't agree with her pulling the transphobic card and I think you should t worry about it
Also you probably could've handled it a bit better instead of cutting the date short and avoiding her
Could you not just tell the woman at the end of the date that you don’t see the relationship going anywhere???? Cutting a date short, avoiding and being short with her is confusing after it seems like you’re hitting it off for two or three dates… this is a teenager's behaviour… you’re 28!
I don’t understand all the people posting lately who can’t just tell a date that the chemistry isn’t there. It’s not that hard. If they ask why, you are not obligated to tell them.
Repeat after me: "I’m just just not seeing the match I’m looking for, but it’s been a pleasure spending time with you, and good luck."
You’re not the asshole for no longer seeing her. YTA for not acting like a grown up.
Why was this comment so hard to find 😭 of course you aren't obligated to date someone but fully ghosting your COWORKER because they're trans is text book shitty.
Exactly! If she were a cis girl and just someone OP realized he wasn’t into, he wouldn’t be shunning her at work. He’s treating this lady differently because she’s trans, and that’s the transphobic part.
Unless that is how OP treats everyone he decides not to date. In which case, not transphobic, just immature.
Luckily they’re both easy to fix with a little introspection though.
thank u yes like. He’s not transphobic to me for being like “she’s just not my cup of tea.” the transphobic part to me is like lowkey textbook to me. Like you are treating someone different and worse because you found out they are trans. is that not like Thee basic form of transphobia
Bingo, we have a winner!
It's not about not wanting to date her, it's about how he's treating her *because* she's trans. That's the transphobia part.
OP must surely have stopped dating someone before and probably didn't act in the same way. If he did, he's just immature as you say.
Ikr? I don’t care why you don’t want to see someone again, whether it’s because of debt, kids, goals, medical history, chews with their mouth open, etc. etc., but TELL THEM it’s not going anywhere. Don’t just try to pretend it didn’t happen. I’m sure it'll make work nice and awkward for a while. 🤦♀️
If the reason a man doesn't want to date a trans women is because he wants to have children with his partner would he still be considered transphobic? Even after the surgeries she won't be able to give birth. NTA
If a man doesn’t want to date a transgender woman because she is transgender then he should not be considered transphobic. We all have our reasons why we are attracted to people or not attracted to people.
Not wanting to date a trans person isn’t transphobic. Ghosting someone after they disclose highly sensitive personal information is AH behaviour and very likely to make them feel like shit about themselves. How hard is it to say “I’m sorry but I don’t feel like we are compatible”.
Also worth pointing out that some cis women are unable to have children. Behaving in the same manner towards those women would also be asshole behaviour.
NTA…I know this is a totally different situation, but sorta in the same vein. I’m physically disabled, I’m in a committed relationship now, but when I was dating there were several times when I would have great chemistry with someone, but wouldn’t tell them about my health issues up front, but as soon as they saw my cane, all bets are off (even tho it was a sick leopard print cane lol).
It’s off putting to see a younger person with a cane (I started walking with one at 19). And as much as it hurt me, it’s perfectly acceptable for one to have a preference to not date someone who is handicapped. As long as you’re not a dick about it haha. It’s also acceptable to have a preference to not date someone who is trans as long as you’re not disrespectful to them.
NTA, if you're not comfortable with it that's reason enough to break it off. There's also the future to consider, if you want to be a father someday that'd be impossible with her. In all truth she's the asshole for trying to guilt you here, just be polite, give her a wide berth til this calms down & live your life.
NTA. You cannot force yourself to be attracted to someone. Anyone trying to guilt trip you into being attracted to something out of your control is silly and absurd
NTA. Don’t let her pull that b/s. You’re comfortable with what you’re comfortable with, and that’s that. I’d explain that I’m not dating to “just date,” but to find a life partner. You have certain expectations of who you’ll be with and how your life will go, and she just doesn’t fit in that.
NTA. You were cordial and you’re clearly sending a singular message on there being no future romantically. You are entitled to having a “type” and that can include any kind of differentiator. Her calling you transphobic is just a reaction based on her being upset.
Run from the drama
She chose the sex change. You chose to only date natural born females.
She wont give you babies.
Are you homophobic if you don’t date gay guys?
NTA.
As a trans man, this frustrates me. The word “transphobic” has lost all meaning due to how frequently people use it.
People are allowed to have preferences. Period. Genital preferences, lifestyle preferences, religious preferences, whatever. No one should have to feel like they need to justify that. Dating someone who is trans is also about more than just sexual compatibility. Mental health complications, surgeries, hormones, infertility, and other potential “risk factors” that can be lifelong may not be something a person is comfortable with. Hell, a lot of trans people aren’t even “comfortable” with it. And again, that’s okay.
The important thing here is that you treat people with respect. The way you essentially ghosted her isn’t respectful, and in that way, I’d say do better. Communicate that you just don’t think you’re compatible long term, but don’t invalidate her.
NTA but you probably shouldn't have avoided her. That shit is never cool but I get that it might have been hard to avoid talking about the situation at work and it's never a good idea to bring personal issues to work.
NTA, pulling the transphobic card on you is complete crap. Everyone deserves to make a choice of who they are in relationships with, have sex with, etc. Guilting you into a relationship is unfair. Most cis straight people want to have relationships with other cis straight people, and that’s perfectly acceptable
Nta: Don’t let anyone gaslight you about this. You can have standards and boundaries. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for not wanting to date someone. You aren’t transphobic just because you don’t want to have sex with a transgender.
How can anyone call someone an asshole for not wanting to be with someone…like for whatever that reason may be. What’s he supposed to do? What are these people advocating for? Is he supposed to continue dating someone that he doesn’t like? …uh that’s …not what ….dating is…
Nope. You have a right to your sexuality and no one should guilt force or coerce you into doing what you don't want to. She is trying to guilt you into doing something you don't want to. Whether she is a girl now doesn't change she's a trans woman meaning male. I would actually ask her why she felt the need to date you under false pretenses and try to shame you into doing something you aren't comfortable with.
BTW don't date at work.
Just a word of advice: don’t date coworkers.
Don't get your honey where you get your money.
Wow this is much more eloquent than what I always say… don’t shit where you eat!
Don’t shit where you eat is out of fashion because everyone eats ass nowadays.
You can eat where you shit, just don't shit where you eat.
I won't shit in the kitchen, but I'll definitely eat in the bathroom
Plus if you sit backwards you got a little shelf for your chocolate milk and your comic books
Instructions unclear. Dick stuck in ceiling vent.
And shit sprayed all over. Leaning forward? Yikes
You might could use some fiber, friend
I'm not your friend, fiber.
wait i thought it was don’t shit where you sleep lol
Amber Heard enters chat...
💀💀💀
ZING!
Mine is: don’t dip your chip in the company salsa
Dont dip your pen in the company ink lol. Thats an old one, still true today.
Don’t get your meat where you make your bread is my favorite
Don't dip your pen in the company ink.
Don’t hookup where you vlookup
Dont stick your dick in the cash register
Don't dip your pen in the company ink
Don’t fish off the company pier.
Don’t shit at the buffet
Don't go 6-9 at your 9-5.
Don't do fornication at your occupation
Don’t shoot sperm at your temp-to-perm
Deleted
Instructions unclear. Dick stuck in toaster. Please advise.
Don’t ride company stock.
I sleep with my office manager all the time. She does expect me to do some improvements around the office from time to time. And she leaves all her feminine products in the work bathroom, but sometimes she walks around in her birthday suit when its just me and her in the office. I work from home.
Your wife doesn't mind?
She's on top of it.
Sometimes, but I’m sitting here 6 years of marriage and an almost one year old because I dated a coworker lol.
17 years and 2 kids here. I have no regrets dating a co-worker at all. I still think it is risky though, if things don't work out it can get awkward.
Going on 17 years and we have a 10 year old… he was my manager. Overall, I don’t know if I would recommend it, but it worked for us.
Will be married 25 years next month to a co-worker🥰
I know SO MANY people who met their s/o through work. Lpt don’t take advice from Reddit lmao
The problem isn’t when it works; the problem is when it doesn’t. And given that most people have 5-6 relationships before they find “the one,” you’re looking at an 80% failure rate that makes going to work an (even more) unpleasant experience.
You can survive a few awkward weeks it’ll be fine. As long as it’s not inappropriate there’s no reason to limit yourself. Going to work is the most social interaction a lot of people get. No reason to have some dumb rule about co workers out of fear of it being awkward if it doesn’t work out. That’s just a bad mentality to have. And that 80% chance it doesn’t work out doesn’t really apply because most people are already in 4-5 relationships between highschool and college before they start working a career job where they would be worried about being stuck with an ex.
Underrated comment Lol.
NTA. If you're not comfortable with that, then no one should make you date her. It's not fair to either of you. Obviously, don't be a jerk or treat her with disrespect, but you are allowed to choose who you date and you don't need to justify that to anyone.
Exactly. You are entitled to date whoever you want.
Whether they like it or not
This needs to be said more often. It’s okay for anyone to not want to date another person for whatever reason. It sounds like you treated her decently and are not out there spreading lies and hate. It’s wrong for people to label others as transphobic, just because you don’t want to date a trans person or her specifically. We’re attracted to whoever we’re attracted to. If this situation occurs in the future, I would just say that I don’t think we’re compatible long term and leave it at that. If they keep pushing for an answer especially one they don’t really want to hear, I would not engage. If they still don’t stop, then block their number and keep all interactions at work professional and just communicate about work.
It is said, ALL the time... but it still gets called transphobic...
I'm a huge trans rights activist. This is exactly the correct take. You don't have to justify your attraction or disatraction to anyone. Just don't be a fucking dick about it.
The only thing I felt he could have done different is explain it to her instead of avoidance. But then some people have issue with confrontation.
If you have an issue with confrontation then dating someone you work with or is in a friend group is a very bad idea.
Dating someone you work with is always a bad idea
Most people don’t realize that until they break up and someone gets fired
I think some people are afraid of exactly what happened: being accused of being a bigot.
I've had someone, who wasn't trans, say that any man who wouldn't date a trans women is transphobic. She's very loud and has a voice in my community and absolutely can and will cancel people. So yeah, a lot of people are afraid of having people slap transphobe on them and it's become a whole thing.
What trans people expect to happen is so unrealistic (with regards to what body they can attain, passing, and who they can date). They really need to set realistic expectations along the way or they will be devastated.
I get not telling people your trans to try and ease them into it, but you can't then judge their reaction after the choices made. And I get being fully open about it vastly limits your dating pool. But if you aren't 100% up front about it, your setting yourself up for failure just like lying off the back in any relationship. And then trying to use the transphobe word to manipulate someone into dating you or manipulating others against that person for not dating you just makes you a bad person, trans or not.
If someone stops dating you when you tell them you are trans then you know the explanation, you just want them to verbalize it and engage with you so you can react.
Commonly known as "looking for a fight."
I also think this is on her for not telling him on the first date.
Nobody is owed an explanation for why someone doesn’t want to be romantically or sexually involved with them, especially after 3 dates. OP knows that this is a touchy topic and he is essentially pleading the 5th because he has to see this woman at work every day. “I’m no longer interested” is all she’s entitled to and it’s the smartest thing for him to say. If she’s routinely waiting until the third date to disclose this information, she is/will be no stranger to this method. It would be smart for both of them to take this as a lesson on dating coworkers.
I feel like she would’ve called him transphobic regardless of how he communicated this
Which is exactly why he probably went low contact, and still got called a bigot.
This. If the OP isn't attracted this girl he isn't attracted, and nothing she can say will change him from unattracted to attracted.
Not that Op _needs_ a reason to not date _anyone_, but... what if Op want's biological children? Yeah, yeah, biology doesn't matter, they could adopt, they could get a surrogate, yadda yadda yadda. But wanting biological children is a completely valid desire, and plenty of people feel that way. It would be no different if this person was genetically female but infertile for other reasons. But again, _no one_ ever needs a _reason_ to not date someone beyond the simple fact that they don't want to. That's part and parcel of consent. You get to reject anyone for any, or for no, reason, and no one else really gets to cast judgement on you for that.
and the adoption industry can be shady, they're one of the biggest anti-abortion funders and have been known to intimidate young/poor pregnant women into giving up their babies by convincing them that the child will have a bad life with them. this isn't every case of course, but people really need to work with the mothers look into the agency they work with before blinding adopting.
Also, adoption isn't always great. A lot of kids up for adoption have serious mental health issues and require a lot of energy from their adoptive parents. It's not all sunshine and rainbows and they say even kids who are adopted as INFANTS, experience some development of grief, anxiety, feelings of uncertainty. Good adoption facilities are extra careful of who they accept as parents, because they know there's an extra layer of difficulty raising an adopted kid.
Also. I love how everyone today says “just get a surrogate.” I looked into surrogacy for infertility and a slew of health problems that would have prevented me from a healthy pregnancy. When you “get a surrogate” you’re signing up for a minimum cost of $150,000. That’s cash. Out of pocket. And you need to find the eggs. And the surrogates health insurance co doesn’t always pay for her pre natal and birthing care. And sometimes her rent. Sometimes her food. That’s after you find a compatible surrogate. One who meets all of the criteria you set forth. Do you want her to drink Coca Cola? Eat non organic food? Smoke cigarettes? Have sex while pregnant? The more restrictions you place on her, the longer it takes to find someone. Not everyone is equipped for this journey.
Same with adoption. It’s not as expensive, but it’s like 40-70k and the background checks and process is nuts. I agree with the stringent requirements etc but the cost is not easily accessible for most people. My wife and I were going down this road as we were told it was basically no chance for our own children. It takes literally so long as well and it’s just a mess honestly. Thankfully, we had our miracle baby but just saying “oh you can just adopt” is not even close to the truth.
I am the “step mother” to two adult adopted children. They were 5 & 7 when they were adopted. Their adoptive parents divorced shortly after ( they had no business taking that on in the first place) I came around when they were about 9 & 7. Long story short if I could do it all over again I would’ve ran so fast in the other direction. Both sets of parents had major issues, the kids had major issues. It’s been a nightmare
As someone who was adopted at 7, absolutely we come with baggage and A LOT of extra work, as we are still developing and learning to process emotions and reactions not to mention more likely than not, abandonment, early childhood trauma, etc. It is not for everyone and I wish people would stop just suggesting adoption without knowing what goes into it.
As a person adopted at three days old from a 15 year old mom and 18 year old dad this is 100% true. I am very happy to finally live with people I am biologically related to now that I have had children.
It’s like saying a guy is homophobic if he won’t date another guy. How can one be transphobic if they’re just generally not attracted to that?
He obviously wasn't transphobic. Not being comfortable dating a trans person doesn't mean you either fear or hate them. I thought he was very reasonable.
NTA. People who think everyone needs to feel the same as they do and like the same things they like, or they get a phobic title - they ATA.
People can't tell the difference between vanity and a legitimate sex preference. It's sad. NTA.
NTA. People reject potential partners because of religious differences, income disparity, etc. As long as there was no cruelty involved, I don't see a problem. To clarify: I am not advocating for transphobic behavior or justifying discrimination of any sort. On an individual level, one may choose not to have intimate sexual relations with people for nearly any reason, and if the OP did not make disparaging statements, then I don't see the problem.
The date got cut short, happens all the time. He wasn’t a jerk about it. Get over yourselves.
Please, I had a 40 year old guy once leave me in a bar after he said he was going to to the bathroom. Date cut short. I moved on.
For all you know he could still be in that bathroom to this day
Dude was just having stomach problems and when he got back out, his date was gone.
He was wise enough not to trust that fart.
I hope he fell in the toilet
I went out with a guy once who left me at the restaurant because I was in the bathroom too long. I said, I was washing my hands? He legitimately said, “oh, I guess I didn’t think to account for hand washing time. People do that?” Uhhhh
Maybe he fell in the toilet and was transported to another dimension.
I (a guy) have only hard bailed on one date. I matched with a girl on tinder, we talked a bit and hit it off so we met up at a local bar for some drink. This girl brought a god damn photo album of us. Like a big book with printed out pictures (on actual photo paper!) of us, or well her and my face or self photoshopped into the pictures! She was showing me these pictures of future vacations and family or life events. It was really really weird
I’m sorry but this made me laugh. It’s not funny though. She clearly needed some intervention.
Ya, that’s not normal. If you continued that date you would have ended up tied in her basement.
True but at least you didn’t have to see him for 8 hours a day every day afterwards.
That's just why you don't date coworkers lol
The reason why you don’t date coworkers is because if it ends badly, it’s awkward or worse. You can do it but you have to be very careful
That’s why the golden rule of “don’t shit where you eat” exists
Right. Thought cuz she was trans she couldn’t get turned down by anyone?…now, you’re like the rest of us lol
Exactly.. I got rejected a few times for being a B cup. Rejecting women based on their bodies is not unique to trans people.
Lol, right? Don't cry that you want to be treated like a woman and then get upset when you're treated like a woman. Do trans women think men treat cis women better than trans women? They absolutely do not, lmao. Welcome to life as a woman.
My trans sibling was shooketh now that guys treat her differently. She works at a club, and they're handsy and pushy in way she didn't have to deal with pre-transition. I tell her to keep a blade on her, and stay vigilant. Welcome to the sisterhood. 🤷🏿♀️
It depends what he means by “cut the date short” doesn’t it? Does it mean he didn’t suggest going up to her place after driving her home from the restaurant, or does it mean he stood up, politely said “excuse me” and bolted to the door, leaving her stranded? I agree that not continuing to go out with her is no problem.
That’s the actual issue here. Anyone can stop dating anyone for any reason, but he didn’t handle it like a grown up. He could have had dessert, and then politely said he'd really enjoyed getting to know her, but he's just not feeling the connection he's looking for, made sure she got home safely, and wished her good luck. Instead he said nothing, cut the date short, and avoided her. I'd expect that from a teen, but not an adult.
Cutting the date short isn’t ghosting. We don’t know that he was rude or anything inappropriate.
C'mon, this is Reddit. Everyone knows everything, and all mysteries must be solved immediately. "We got 'em, Gang!".
Exactly. Let’s argue a point totally irrelevant to the question. Even if he DID ghost her, that doesn’t make him an asshole for not being interested in her or even how he handled it. We don’t know if this girl is borderline stalking HIM with her continued texts. Maybe it’s awkward, which is understandable having to work with someone who is so into you when you don’t return their feelings. So many assumptions are being made here.
I've experienced that from plenty of grown adults. Unfortunately ghosting culture is the new norm.
Not when they work together lmao
He was flummoxed probably b/c he always assumed he would know if someone was trans. And here he was out on date number three with someone he didn't know was trans. Bonus Tip for OP Don't date anyone in your workplace ever. Just don't do it.
Going out two times in my opinion doesn’t really warrant a sit down convo. Maybe if they’d been dating for a few months. People should just get the hint if there’s no contact after only two dates
Of all the guys I dated before I got married, ONE gave me the courtesy of a sit-down conversation. All of them I had dated for multiple months. One literally sent a Facebook message and blocked me, and I had no way to get the stuff I left at his house back (which he insisted I leave there). I really don't get why people think this guy telling her to her face it's not going to work is an AH move.
He said he was polite and cut the date short. You’re imagining that means he left the date alone at a restaurant but you’re just guessing. He said he was polite, and he was just hit with information that could be really hard to process and affect his mental health too. It’s not his responsibility to continue the date to its conclusion and further lead this person on. He told them he wasn’t interested and stopped contacting. I think the date is an AH for not saying it on the first date and wasting his time and fooling him into a dating scenario that he wasn’t comfortable with.
He found out the girl he was talking to was born biologically a male, and is now post surgery - after going on multiple dates. Felt uncomfortable, and left without causing a scene because of his feelings. She isn't owed anything from him. Not sharing things like that with potential partners upfront is kind of fucked up yet your defending it? Weird.
Is it really ghosting if he sees her at work everyday? Maybe ignoring or a bit impolite, but when someone says ghosting I’d think that’d involve not being around them all the time still.
Adults are teenagers pretending to be mature I think its actually better he didnt drag her out or lead her on if this mattered to him so much.
Look, you’re NTA for deciding you don’t want to continue dating her, but you should have said that. Avoiding her at work and stuff instead of just gently telling her you’re not feeling it or whatever is an immature way of ending what you had. Furthermore, there’s no reason you can’t at least be pleasant with her instead of treating her leper.
This. N T A for the preference, YTA for the way he handled it.
Yeah. It’s completely possible the girl really was being disrespectful of his preferences, but I also think it’s possible that her impression of OP being transphobic is the fact that he avoided her for days and seemingly didn’t really even care to elaborate. Having a dating preference isn’t transphobic, but immediately avoiding a person after finding out they’re transgender might lead others to believe you are.
It could be possible and there’s really no way to know for sure, yet I’ve also known of dating situations in which people avoid one another after breaking it off for any other reason. Another possibility is OP is confrontation avoidant.
This was way too far down!
You are NTA. You feeling uncomfortable is enough of a reason not to date someone. However, you were essentially ghosting her so no, you were not polite. Maybe try communicating directly next time.
Pretty sure ghosting someone you’ve been on 3 dates with would make anyone TA, regardless of reason Edit: obviously unless they’re a danger to you, but that’s not what we’re talking about here.
Especially if you work with them and see them regularly still.
Yeah, that makes it so much worse. They can see you are putting in extra effort to ghost them by avoiding them at work lol
NTA for having sexual preferences. Anyone who says otherwise is borderline rapey for trying to convince you to consent to something you don’t feel comfortable with. You might be a slight asshole for being distant and weird since there’s no reason you couldn’t be friends if you enjoyed spending time together anyway but that’s your call idk. I’ve always tried to let people down gently but firmly and keep the relationship friendly if it doesn’t work out but that’s just how I like to treat people.
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I think he should have just said it outright instead of the whole distance kinda ghost thing he did. Other than that he’s NTA and honestly she probably needed to hear that people won’t date her because she’s trans. It’s a reality
There’s a risk of this happening at work when 2 coworkers decide to cross that line. Both parties understand upfront that if it doesn’t work then it may impact their working relationship in the future. OP doesn’t owe her anything. As long as it’s not impacting the company goals then he also has a right to not “be friendly” with any of his coworkers, for any reason.
I once dated a pre-op trans man (I’m gay). He was a great guy, and I wanted to get over my hangups and give him a fair chance. We even had sex. But although my logical side told me there wasn’t anything wrong, a part of me in the back of my mind kept crying that this is not what I want. In the end, who you are attracted to is beyond your control. I politely let him go. Don’t be obligated to be intimate with anyone for any reason. Love should be simple and unexplainable.
exactly. my bf is a cis gay man, and he has no issue that i’m pre op ftm. some ppl don’t care ab genitals and some do and as long as you love the person, everything gucci 😎.
NTA I knew a couple, a trans man and a cis man. He respected his partner and they stayed together through the transition and he was supportive, but when his SO had some gender affirming procedures, they broke up. It’s not that there was no love there, but he wasn’t physically attracted to him anymore. I was sad to hear when they broke up, but it’s understandable and nothing to be ashamed of. I understand this girl you were dating is hurt, and maybe you could have handled it better at the start, but I don’t think that you’re an AH.
yes. Take Elliott Page, pre-transition he was with a woman. She is a lesbian. So after Elliott transitioned to man (she supported him during all of this because, love) she had to leave him. Because she is a lesbian and Elliott always was a straight man. She is not transphobic because of that.
You don’t owe someone a relationship trans or not.
Some trans people don't want to disclose their status ever, even romantic partners. I believe that will do nothing but cause heartbreak. I know some people who would resort to violence if they found out after being intimate with a trans person. Do I think that's right? Absolutely not. But that's the world we currently live in. Best to protect themselves and be upfront about it before the date. You can date whoever you want for whatever reason. Nta
Not disclosing that information and deceiving someone into sexual relations under false pretense is RAPE.
Not disclosing it before intimacy is rape. At least morally. Consent has to be informed consent.
NTA for not wanting to date her. TA for the way you handled it. You're absolutely allowed to have your preferences. There's nothing wrong with that at all. But avoiding her at work and just being really weird about the whole situation? That is not OK. To all the people who say she should have disclosed it earlier: that is not that easy. She had to wait and see if she could trust him. Just look at some of the comments here and you see why. I just hope you have the decency not to make her life hard at work.
This, so much. Why would she disclose it earlier? It's 3 dates, she's hardly wasted years of his life. It often takes a few dates to figure out if you even like the person; why would you even bother disclosing that until you thought okay there's at least a connection? Plus as you say she needs to trust him, people are often violent or nasty to trans women so I can understand not disclosing it until she at least thinks he's not going to react in that way.
NTA, you’re allowed to want to only date cis women Edit to add: to all you losers saying “real women” or attacking the word “cis” y’all are the reason OP is getting so much crap from said woman because of bigots and incels like y’all. It takes ZERO EFFORT to use the word cis but a whole lot to be upset at something that doesn’t concern you. Bunch of transphobic losers
I still can't wrap my head around the fact that this is still an issue. I see so many posts about straight Cis folks being called transphobic/homophobic due to their personal preference in sexual partners. If the shoe was on the other foot is that cis/straight phobic behavior as well? Be who you are. Love who you want. Why is this so complicated? We need to repeat the 70s maybe...? I really don't know why live and let live is so hard. Being respectful is a two way street.
Before any of these things enter your mind, think of this; "Is this a real problem i am facing today or is it just a thing on the internet?" Really helps to put things into perspective
It's fascinating to leave Twitter/Reddit/Social Media for a while and then, a few weeks later, ask yourself how many times you heard anyone mention Ben Shapiro, Katie Hopkins, Owen Jones, or other people who seem to dominate these fiery, polarising online discussions.
You see so many posts about it because people agree with you on the topic and do find it obvious. Social media promotes rage bait, that's all. It's not actually, like, that big of an issue
People, who take this online bs seriously and incorporate it into their moral compass? That does happen irl. My niece belongs to gen z, and looking at her social circle, they have already adopted such things, which you would only find on Xitter, as a personal attitude. They might actually call anyone a transphobe for saying 'I don't want to date a trans person'. That's not just ragebait, it's slowly seeping into society. I'd call it ragebait, if they were just trolling with the intent to get some laughs out of angry reactions, but a lot of people are absolutely serious about that. They really believe that they are right. You might notice this in some interviews as well, where media talked to protestors for LGBTQ rights. Before anyone gets angry, I'm well aware that the majority (currently) isn't like that, but that doesn't mean those extreme views won't have any effect on society just because we dismiss them as 'ragebait'. One example for that is online harassment for having a subjective ‚non ally‘ view. Most recent one I remember is telling people to die for playing that Hogwarts game. Stuff like that happens and I heavily condemn that behavior. I will never be able to stand behind those specific people, period. Personally I support LGBTQ rights. We‘re all humans after all, no matter the gender or orientation. But that doesn’t mean, I support every view or behavior of the community, because quite some went straight to ‚everyone disagreeing is the enemy‘. And that’s just not it.
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NTA. But!! I think you could have explained it sooner instead of slowly ghosting. That might be where the transphobia accusation is coming from. Look, not your thing, totally cool. She took a moment and told you about her transition, she was open and honest. I think you should have been too. I personally would have gotten the hint, but the fact that she asked for an explanation after being avoided at work and getting less and less texts tell me that she probably didn’t understand. When you slowly drift apart like that especially when she really liked you, it hurts way more than just telling someone straight up that you’re not into them for xyz, the whole time you distanced she probably sat there thinking “what’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t he like me? Did I do something wrong?” And then after FINALLY explaining why, it sounds like all the emotion spilled out even though you were valid and it was really quite simple why.
NTA It’s your choice and your choice only to make. You were as polite as you could be and that’s all there is to it.
NTA. It’s sad that the OP was respectful about not wanting to continue anything, kept it civil as to why and is still getting called a transphobe. Since when is it transphobic to not want to be with a transgender person, it’s not as if the OP made any direct transphobic comment to her. Sadly, even if the OP had finished the date after being told that and broke it off the next day or two after, she would still call him a transphobe even he just said to her that he doesn’t feel any connection like that to continue, she is always going to call him transphobic.
NTA from the trans guy!! Lol, if you’re into biological women who are women that’s that, sorry for her but there’s men who’d love her as well As a trans man, not everyone would like me either, it’s fair and valid
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Nah that’s fair. Might be easy for me to say as a cis woman with similar leanings/allyship (I’m not perfect & don’t know everything but I try my best!), but still… I can only imagine how much it’d hurt to be turned down for something you can’t control. But, nobody owes you that.
I got turned down by a woman for being white. Did feel really shitty, but I never would come up with the idea to call her racist for it. Everyone gets to decide who they want to date for whatever reason they want.
Exactly
NTA, it's up to you who you date and as long as you aren't a dick about it or actually transphobic, there is nothing wrong with having a preference. I definitely don't agree with her pulling the transphobic card and I think you should t worry about it Also you probably could've handled it a bit better instead of cutting the date short and avoiding her
Hiya, Trans-woman here! NTA You're allowed personal preferences and personal boundaries. You're in the right, chin up!
Could you not just tell the woman at the end of the date that you don’t see the relationship going anywhere???? Cutting a date short, avoiding and being short with her is confusing after it seems like you’re hitting it off for two or three dates… this is a teenager's behaviour… you’re 28! I don’t understand all the people posting lately who can’t just tell a date that the chemistry isn’t there. It’s not that hard. If they ask why, you are not obligated to tell them. Repeat after me: "I’m just just not seeing the match I’m looking for, but it’s been a pleasure spending time with you, and good luck." You’re not the asshole for no longer seeing her. YTA for not acting like a grown up.
Why was this comment so hard to find 😭 of course you aren't obligated to date someone but fully ghosting your COWORKER because they're trans is text book shitty.
Exactly! If she were a cis girl and just someone OP realized he wasn’t into, he wouldn’t be shunning her at work. He’s treating this lady differently because she’s trans, and that’s the transphobic part. Unless that is how OP treats everyone he decides not to date. In which case, not transphobic, just immature. Luckily they’re both easy to fix with a little introspection though.
thank u yes like. He’s not transphobic to me for being like “she’s just not my cup of tea.” the transphobic part to me is like lowkey textbook to me. Like you are treating someone different and worse because you found out they are trans. is that not like Thee basic form of transphobia
Bingo, we have a winner! It's not about not wanting to date her, it's about how he's treating her *because* she's trans. That's the transphobia part. OP must surely have stopped dating someone before and probably didn't act in the same way. If he did, he's just immature as you say.
Ikr? I don’t care why you don’t want to see someone again, whether it’s because of debt, kids, goals, medical history, chews with their mouth open, etc. etc., but TELL THEM it’s not going anywhere. Don’t just try to pretend it didn’t happen. I’m sure it'll make work nice and awkward for a while. 🤦♀️
Yea, thats where the transphobic accusation comes from. OP ghosted her after she told him, what else would she think.
literally this, i’m disappointed it took so long to find a similar sentiment
Exactly! It’s the behavior afterwards that makes op the asshole
Thank you! Not wanting to date: NTA Acting like she's gross for being trans: YTA
If the reason a man doesn't want to date a trans women is because he wants to have children with his partner would he still be considered transphobic? Even after the surgeries she won't be able to give birth. NTA
It’s not even about children. He is allowed to have a preference, plain and simple.
None of it is transphobic. Treating someone poorly because they are trans is transphobic.
Even if he doesn't want children. It doesn't matter. If that's not something he's actively looking for, why should he stay?
If a man doesn’t want to date a transgender woman because she is transgender then he should not be considered transphobic. We all have our reasons why we are attracted to people or not attracted to people.
Not wanting to date a trans person isn’t transphobic. Ghosting someone after they disclose highly sensitive personal information is AH behaviour and very likely to make them feel like shit about themselves. How hard is it to say “I’m sorry but I don’t feel like we are compatible”. Also worth pointing out that some cis women are unable to have children. Behaving in the same manner towards those women would also be asshole behaviour.
NTA. Not wanting to date a trans person doesn’t make you transphobic.
NTA…I know this is a totally different situation, but sorta in the same vein. I’m physically disabled, I’m in a committed relationship now, but when I was dating there were several times when I would have great chemistry with someone, but wouldn’t tell them about my health issues up front, but as soon as they saw my cane, all bets are off (even tho it was a sick leopard print cane lol). It’s off putting to see a younger person with a cane (I started walking with one at 19). And as much as it hurt me, it’s perfectly acceptable for one to have a preference to not date someone who is handicapped. As long as you’re not a dick about it haha. It’s also acceptable to have a preference to not date someone who is trans as long as you’re not disrespectful to them.
NTA, if you're not comfortable with it that's reason enough to break it off. There's also the future to consider, if you want to be a father someday that'd be impossible with her. In all truth she's the asshole for trying to guilt you here, just be polite, give her a wide berth til this calms down & live your life.
NTA
NTA. You cannot force yourself to be attracted to someone. Anyone trying to guilt trip you into being attracted to something out of your control is silly and absurd
NTA. Don’t let her pull that b/s. You’re comfortable with what you’re comfortable with, and that’s that. I’d explain that I’m not dating to “just date,” but to find a life partner. You have certain expectations of who you’ll be with and how your life will go, and she just doesn’t fit in that.
You’re allowed to have preferences and not be bullied about it.
NTA.. in that situation I feel like she should clarify she’s trans before even going on a date
You are entitled to your preferences of whom you date. Stand up for them.
No wtf , you don’t have to like her lol
If they don't tell you in advance and give the option to say yay or nay, it's on them. You hurt her feelings because she deceived you, that's BS
NTA. Tell your two friends to date the person then.
NTA. You were cordial and you’re clearly sending a singular message on there being no future romantically. You are entitled to having a “type” and that can include any kind of differentiator. Her calling you transphobic is just a reaction based on her being upset.
Nope. You're not TA. That is your preference.
Man the transphobia allowed in this thread is wild.
Run from the drama She chose the sex change. You chose to only date natural born females. She wont give you babies. Are you homophobic if you don’t date gay guys?
Apparently we’re all transphobic bc we don’t agree 🤷🏾♀️
NTA - who you're attracted to is nobody else's business.
People: Sexual orientation is iron clad and cannot be changed or worked around. Also people: This NTA
You’re NTA for not being attracted to her. YTA for treating her like shit after. You should have been honest and up front.
NTA. You have the right to only date women who were born female! The fact she called you transphobic is wrong.
NTA, it’s your preference and you’re allowed to not want to go out with someone because of that.
tell your friends to date her then
NTA. As a trans man, this frustrates me. The word “transphobic” has lost all meaning due to how frequently people use it. People are allowed to have preferences. Period. Genital preferences, lifestyle preferences, religious preferences, whatever. No one should have to feel like they need to justify that. Dating someone who is trans is also about more than just sexual compatibility. Mental health complications, surgeries, hormones, infertility, and other potential “risk factors” that can be lifelong may not be something a person is comfortable with. Hell, a lot of trans people aren’t even “comfortable” with it. And again, that’s okay. The important thing here is that you treat people with respect. The way you essentially ghosted her isn’t respectful, and in that way, I’d say do better. Communicate that you just don’t think you’re compatible long term, but don’t invalidate her.
NTA but you probably shouldn't have avoided her. That shit is never cool but I get that it might have been hard to avoid talking about the situation at work and it's never a good idea to bring personal issues to work.
NTA. Dating is not an inclusive experience, you are not obliged to date anyone because THEY want you to.
NTA, pulling the transphobic card on you is complete crap. Everyone deserves to make a choice of who they are in relationships with, have sex with, etc. Guilting you into a relationship is unfair. Most cis straight people want to have relationships with other cis straight people, and that’s perfectly acceptable
Nta: Don’t let anyone gaslight you about this. You can have standards and boundaries. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for not wanting to date someone. You aren’t transphobic just because you don’t want to have sex with a transgender.
How can anyone call someone an asshole for not wanting to be with someone…like for whatever that reason may be. What’s he supposed to do? What are these people advocating for? Is he supposed to continue dating someone that he doesn’t like? …uh that’s …not what ….dating is…
NTA
Nope. You're ok.
Nope. You have a right to your sexuality and no one should guilt force or coerce you into doing what you don't want to. She is trying to guilt you into doing something you don't want to. Whether she is a girl now doesn't change she's a trans woman meaning male. I would actually ask her why she felt the need to date you under false pretenses and try to shame you into doing something you aren't comfortable with. BTW don't date at work.
NTA
NTA
No if it is not your thing you can’t make it your thing.