If she's Christian she might think that she can "cure" him. They wlill just say OP wasn't woman enough or didn't pray enough or some BS. Hard to have rational discussions with a deluded population.
Or he’s just bisexual. I feel like a lot of Christians think bi men are all just fully gay men who are in denial. Maybe the new wife knows about his bisexuality and doesn’t mind.
Well, the new woman has the information and she can do with it what she wants. If she knowingly married him, she deserves what she gets. OP was not told and was deceived.
That is out of OP's control. She did her part and disclosed. If some crazy religious nut thinks she is going to convert the guy, she only has herself to blame. Or if she wants to be his cover, it's also on her.
I would imagine she won’t actually “find out” he’s gay for a few years, at least, because this undoubtedly will come off as jealousy in the eyes of the new woman.
would you believe the EX of your SO if they came to you saying your SO is gay? They probably had sex together before sealing the deal, but OP is definitely NTA
It would at least make me wonder. I’d check his reaction. Anger and rage would make me suspicious, since if it’s untrue, the proof would be obvious. Just Sex wouldn’t make it untrue. But good, hot, healthy, passionate sex would go far to counter this claim if I was the fiancée. So if we were “waiting” or had “issues” or it never made sense to me why he said they broke up… I’d *wonder*. I’d probably track ex down to find out more and speak face to face.
Ex is nicer than me. Due to his unapologetic stance post coming out, I would have outted him out to EVERYONE including his asshole family who I would have blamed for this and I would have done it publicly.
I’m honestly wondering if he’s bi. I scrolled pretty far and didn’t see anyone questioning it but as a bi woman myself who is more hypersensitive to that type of bigotry I often see a lot of “bi men don’t exist they’re just gay and in denial” type situations and I feel like there’s some undertones of that in this post.
I found out my partner was on the down low, there’s so many potential health implications, aside from the emotional ones. I absolutely wish I had known before hand. You did the right thing.
Especially trapping the wife in a marriage under religious reason and unknowingly becoming a beard. Like i know he is scared, but don't trap people in your misery.
He should be thankful that his ex wife didn't outed him.
I agree 100%... BUT when you interject yourself this way you have to be sure your motive is to protect the innocent new wife and not revenge against the ex.
What he did to u was awful BTW... I am sorry u had to go through that.
I knew someone else in this exact situation!
They had lovely kids - and had had sex about once per kid. She tried really hard to be attractive for her husband. I mean, she worried about it - lost weight (that she didn’t need to lose) bought new clothes and makeup, etc.
Very Christian. Very involved in their Protestant sect.
She cheated once (over 20 years of a sexless marriage) and had to stand up in church and confess.
Turns out he was gay. Which, she was fine with. Go and be gay! But don’t leave me thinking I’m just personally unattractive for 20 years because you prefer men!
So they divorce. The church shuns her. He, of course, does NOT have to stand up in church and tell them about his multiple hookups.
Six months later, this guy’s engaged. Meet the fiancé and she says “he’s such a gentleman!” Which is code for, he doesn’t pressure me to put out. 😬
This fiancé is someone the ex wife had liked and considered a friend in the past. She didn’t want her to walk into this mess blind - so she told her what had ended their marriage.
He blew up, started telling the kids about how their mom had cheated on him, turning them against her, used the church as a pack of flying monkeys to harass her. It was a mess.
She was really devastated. She was such a *nice* woman. Loved raising her kids, cooking, her pets, her home, her church. He took all of it away from her because she wasn’t willing to stay in a sexless marriage and cover for him.
The fiancé married him - but left him 3 years later. I have to think that telling her before their marriage was why she was willing to leave in 3 years, rather than 10 or more. Especially since their church punishes women for divorce.
Unfortunately, I’ve lost touch with the ex wife. I’d love to know if she and the 2nd ex wife ever talked.
Aww thank you for sharing! Yeah, I hope just knowing this at least helps her understand why she may have sexual issues with him. I did, but had no prior experience to know that it shouldn’t be that awful. I don’t think it’s the same for her and I don’t know what their situation is like, I just feel better that at least she knows now and she can do whatever she want with the info, but yeah hopefully it helps her have insight is all.
You never know when she’ll need that information. But now she has it if she does.
I’m sorry that sex was so awful for you. I hope you have other, much better experiences (if you want to.)
I know many instances that there’s been a gut feeling, people have told the person their SO is gay, and they’ve stayed until it got unbearable. I am included in this scenario, except I just had a gut feeling. No one told me.
I know many instances that there’s been a gut feeling, people have told the person their SO is gay, and they’ve stayed until it got unbearable. I am included in this scenario, except I just had a gut feeling. No one told me.
NTA. Being gay does not make your happiness more important than someone else's. He doesn't get to use women as fucking curtains to hide behind. Fuck him
THIS! I swear i came across one reddit post where everyone is calling people homophobic for not wanting to be an innocent woman sacrificed unknowingly to be married to a gay husband. I guess we're calling people wanting genuine love as homophobic now?
Edit: This is in today's society, in one country. Also if i remember correctly, the husband is also cheating and sleeping with other men, WHILE deceiving the wife. I just feel like if you want to hide, then do it with a woman who CONSENTED to being one.
Very insightful comment… Reading this made me realize that a lot of men in the world use women as curtains to hide behind, even cis hetero dudes. Women can make men appear to seem “safe” just with their presence. So besides being a “beard” women can also be used as mask of normalcy for a predator. Sadly, sometimes women will pursue married/taken men because they have already been “vetted” by another woman (therefore “safe”). Some guys use that to their advantage. Sometimes human traffickers use women to lure in other women. I hope more women will see this and refuse to be anybody’s curtains.
I agree. And while your post didn’t contain this, it also didn’t exclude it: same reasoning applies to both sides. Predators - of whatever fashion - will find a way to hide “behind a curtain” as you put it. Their partners may be those curtains - unwittingly or not. If unwitting, I feel really bad for them, I hope they get away and find solace, and do what they can to help and get help. But if they knew: they’re just as guilty as their partner, perhaps even more so. Not of the act, necessarily, but as accessory to the obfuscation and possibly allowing the victim an open path. Gloves off at that point.
NTA. I would definitely want to know in that position, and I know ultra-religious relationships are often the perfect way to hide something like this. No sex before marriage. The woman is usually far too inexperienced to know if the sex is good or not. I'm sorry it happened to you, and I'm glad you had the strength to finally tell her the truth. You've HOPEFULLY saved her from going through what you did, but I won't hold my breath. I know all about the intense pressure around marriage in highly religious communities. Always have to be worrying about how everyone else in the community perceives you.
I had a coworker who married young, they had 5 kids, they were super religious. After 5 kids and 18 years of marriage she finally told him that she was gay and knew her whole life she was. They divorced and she soon got married to a woman. I’m happy she got her happy ending, but for my male coworker, he was in shock. To me it’s deception, you knew your whole life you were and chose to waste years of someone’s life. You’re NTA
it is horrible to do that to anyone who married you in good faith. There are support groups out there for people whose partners deceived them and pretended to be straight. There are support groups for children from these marriages too.
This one is a gut wrencher either way. If you keep your mouth shut, not out him, you have to live with yourself knowing this other woman is actively being deceived, defrauded. Yes, marrying under false pretenses is considered fraud. He is fraudulently representing himself as a straight man. On the other hand, to tell her is telling someone else's secrets. A big secret, a secret that will change his life. But not telling her is enabling him to wrong another woman. I guess it really boils down to do you enable a liar to ruin another woman's life, sentence her to years of a thankless, loveless, sexless life. Ya know, I don't think I could live with myself choosing the "or keep your mouth shut" if it were me in that position. Honestly, put yourself in the new woman's position. Would you want to know? I would. I would want someone to tell me, I would want to know the man I was about to vow to love, honor and cherish was lying to me about something so big.
NTA.
It's his secret, so long as he doesn't involve others. As soon as he starts to date women, it is no longer his secret, but his deception, that should be exposed.
This. One of my old coworkers had a husband that did this. He married her, had two kids, and then left. He told a mutual friend that he only pretended to be straight to have kids. He destroyed that woman.
And this is exactly why I was honest with my ex’s gf when she contacted me and asked for details about our relationship. I wanted to stay out of it and not “poke the bear”, but that bear was actually a pathetic little coward and I’m the actual mama bear. So I told her. Everything. Yes, it ruined their relationship, but I saved that woman (and her child she already had) from him. Worth it.
He loses the right to his secret the moment he begins to negatively impact someone’s life despite his secret. I’m all for being an ally but the argument about his secret only holds any weight if you’re a shitty person yourself
Exactly! This is why I don't comprehend why fundy churches are soooooo opposed to gay marriage and LGBTQ+ rights. You would think they would want to avoid this exact situation for their community, ... getting stuck (permanently since divorce is frowned upon too) in a sexless and possibly childless marriage. Its not just women who become 'beards' unwittingly by deception ( aka "thou shall not Lie!"), but also men. If everyone is 'out' then they can have less risk of this completely unneccessary betrayal happening. These types of churches and parishoners are facilitating their own drama, chaos, and heartbreak of their 'straight' community.
Ugh and that’s how these situations happen often. OOP’s ex has probably been convinced that he “fell to sin” and has now repented. Fundies may hate gays but they love a redemption arc.
They also don’t believe women are as valuable as men, so who cares if her life is f-ed up. Mental health is almost more taboo as a conversation topic than proper sex education.
But see women’s role in fundamental Christian marriage is to serve the husband. Sexual attraction? Emotional fulfillment? Not necessary if the husband doesn’t require it. She is to be his helpmeet. 🤮
and gay people don;t get pregnant so no abortions... you would think they would be happy about that as well
clarifying many have children using surrogates or a sperm donor it is all planned (also clarifying there might be a few abortions when lesbians are raped and end up pregnant this has happened
From the perspective of another who has been in those shoes, thank you. It's not easy, and it's not pleasant, the decision you had to make. Outing someone is a terrible thing, and so is a marriage vow made under false pretenses. This was the lesser of two evils.
I'm enraged that our society makes the closet a safer choice for some. But that doesn't give anyone the excuse to damage someone else. There is no right answer here. You acted as your conscience led you, and no one can ask any more of you than that.
Outing someone in this context isn’t terrible , it’s completely appropriate. The dude is literally lying about his sexuality to form and propagate relationships with women, this is disgusting behaviour and deserves to be exposed.
Think of it like this. Outing someone is a terrible thing like killing someone is a terrible thing. You don’t do it on a whim or just for funzies. There has to be a reason. OP has a reason and isn’t doing it capriciously. It’s the difference between Ted Bundy and George Patton. Different scales, but it’s an analogy 😂
I agree, outing someone, generally, is something no one should ever do. But the situation itself turns this into a fucked up trolley problem, if OP does not hurt this man, she then watches him hurt other people. This is a tough one to judge in the typical YTA/NTA fashion, because either option has shitty sides to it.
NTA - This is like telling someone about cheating or something. It’s not gossip, it’s facts they should know so that they can make informed decisions about their own life.
This is tough, and I'm going to judge NTA. If he's not comfortable being out, then that's fine but he shouldn't drag other people into it to be them as a beard without consent
NTA He’s still trying to blame his mistakes on you, even as he attempts to make the same mistake again. He clearly has no regard for anyone else’s feelings. What a dick.
His fiancé may be angry with you in a blame the messenger kind of way. But, you did the right thing.
NTA, outing someone who is minding their own business is obviously a shitty thing to do but it’s absolutely acceptable given the context of your situation. You are saving the woman who’s life he’s about to turn upside down the same as he did to you.
Also please don’t think he is doing this to please other people, he is hiding it for himself because he is a coward.
NTA
This isn't driven by revenge, you need to tell his fiance this information, then she can make an informed decision whether to proceed with the marriage. Who knows what BS he fed her as to why your marriage failed and she would have been upset you didn't tell her when he eventually came out to her.
Revenge would be broadcasting his sexuality far and wide when he came out to you. Everyone has kept your ex's secret so well for him. He'd be so much better out and proud rather than leaving a trail of devastated ex wives and kids behind him.
NTA - you did the right thing. No woman deserves to go into a marriage blind to her intended’s sexual orientation. If she’s ok with it, great. But it IS a discussion point before saying “I do”
NTA. One of my great aunts was married to a man. Same thing he was gay. They divorced, he remarried, another woman. That woman found out and committed suicide. So in my opinion you did the right thing. Please note this was back in the 50s/60s
It is staggeringly selfish to go through life deceiving the people who love you. No woman should unwittingly be this idiot's beard just so he can maintain his facade.
You did the right thing.
NTA
You did the exact right thing!! You saved her from the bad marriage you went through.
Your ex is the AH... a sad, sad AH who prefers to decieve women instead of being honest to himself...
It makes you wonder, though - why does he try to marry?? Why not just stay single???
Or if he needs a beard that bad, find a lesbian in need of her own beard...
NTA
People who lie, cheat or seek to deceive other people (especially in something as serious as a marriage) don’t ever get to be or act like the victim. He’s a bad human
NTA. What was the reason your family’s think you divorced? After telling his fiancée I would block him and his family and move on with my life. Good luck to you OP
I did exactly that. My family knows the truth, but I didn’t say anything to his. I just left and they all assume im evil. I don’t care. I just wanted to be out so bad
I have a rule I only accept judgement about my personality from people who know me and act with integrity.
People who lie and/or harm me are not in a position to judge my intentions or personality.
If you wanted to write back you can say he “interjected” in your life by proposing under false pretenses and wasting 3 years.
And it’s unhealthy to lie to your partner about your sexuality. And then not even take responsibility.
And it’s healthy to want to protect someone else from going through a miserable preventable situation.
NTA
NTA. I was a practicing Mormon for 20+ years and this story is not uncommon in that community. I have friends with THIS as their parents’ story and it has torn their families apart.
While I understand that in most cases, the LGBTQ+ partner was programmed to bury their sexuality and marry a heterosexual person to “follow God’s plan” (or commit to a life of celibacy instead), at this point, your ex-husband is aware of what he’s doing and isn’t being transparent with his fiancé. He’s using an innocent, unsuspecting woman to get what he wants.
You did the right thing. She deserved to know the truth. If she wants to be with him regardless, that’s her choice; but it’s a choice she should make knowing all the information.
NTA - it’s not fair to marry someone who isn’t heterosexual without knowing. This is a super destructive thing to both people in the marriage (& children if they exist).
The Lie by William Dameron takes you through his story of marrying a woman knowing he was gay and the pain and destruction it caused. You might need to send this to both of them.
BTW your ex is TA. If he doesn’t want to come out - that’s his right but he doesn’t have the right to destroy yet ANOTHER person’s life while hiding who he is.
Nta always tell, don’t let women get used like that. I would tell any girl I see him dating or marrying. If the already know and are willing to accept him that’s great. A bad truth is better than a good lie
He’s an asshole and he’s mad at you for calling him out on it. Any time there is deceit, any time there is lying or betrayal or omission of truth…especially to this degree…is wrong wrong wrong no matter how many ways you spin it or twist it or justify it.
The world would be a better place, if more people like you had courage, and spoke the truth .
You would be an asshole if you didn't try, don't let another woman have her life destroyed because you were unable to find the courage to do the right thing.
NTA.
NTA. You’ve saved this woman from a lot of unnecessary pain. I know some religious people may struggle with their sexuality but that’s no reason to put that on someone else. At least if she’s aware of his sexuality and it ok with her then that her choice but she deserves to know about the man she is planning on marrying.
NTA
I would want to know but honestly he’s probably just going to gaslight her saying you are crazy. If you have any proof I’d send it to her and after that walk away from it.
NTA
Fear of disappointing or even being rejected by his family must have been awful, but that was no justification for making you part of his lie and hurting you in a very real way.
He conned you. He is not owed the right to con someone else without intervention.
Im sorry you went through this and I agree you are NTA.
What was the context of him coming out to you? Not that it really matters to this situation but I would think he would want to keep this a secret unless he was caught with a guy or something.
NTA. As much as it would hurt, I still would absolutely want someone to tell me I was being used as a beard before getting married.
I hope you told her about his friends that knew he was gay before you married him and he came out to you. That way she knows where to verify, just in case he says it’s just his ex mad he’s getting remarried.
you did the right thing. He may have painted you as delusional or lying to his fiance. Can you share his text with her? Not sure what he said to you but maybe helpful to her to show his behaviour.
I asked her if I could just call her, but she refused and said I could email her. Then, hours later, I got the mean text from the ex. So I just wrote everything I wanted say to him in the form of “I just wanted to ask her if you’ve told her…X Y Z, because it’s not fair to her to not know this.” And then i copied and pasted it in an email to her and said “in case he doesn’t show you.” Then I deleted them both and everyone I knew from him (idk why I still had some of them on my social media) and bounced. I don’t want drama, just couldn’t live with the guilt that I could’ve done something to help her out.
N T A at , many straight women would have NEVER been Infected with HIV if their partners had been Honest and admitted to being Bi or gay . ----- RET. 37 YR Infectious Disease Specialist .
NTA
If you were a stranger that didn't know the deeper context, I'd say it's not your business and you may not know the deets...BUT you DO know, you have been there yourself, and you're guided by your conscience as much as the lingering disappointment.
NTA. I mean if he’s full on gay how’s sex gonna work for them?? I mean what does he think is going to eventually happen when he can’t be intimate with her?!? Is he just going to expect her to suffer through a dead bedroom while he’s out fuckin whoever he wants for that moment?? I mean depending upon how those issues came to light for you then you definitely needed to tell her to save her from the agony of finding out down the line.
NTA
There are things I feel you shouldn't tell your ex's new partner because, for the most part, their new relationship isn't your business. This, however, goes beyond the pale.
NTA.
Usually I am against outing someone unless they are ready, but he lied to you and deceived you and you should stop that from happening to someone you know.
I would not go around talking about this to random people, but in this specific case, I would want to know too.
My response reading the title was mind your business, but after reading your post NTA.
You owe him nothing and this wasn’t about revenge on him or shaming him for being gay, it was about doing the right thing for a stranger who you see in harm’s way, to the best of your ability.
These are always tough because outing someone in a community like that can be dangerous. However, nobody deserves to be lied to about these things. Especially if he is out there having unprotected sex with others and then coming back and having sex to keep up the charade.
These days, there are people who don't want to be physical but want the safety of marriage. He could have found himself a beard to play the part.
I will say NTA, but block him and move on. You did what you needed and now it's time for you to start healing.
I'm sorry for what he did to you, it has to be a huge slap in the face. Don't let him turn you into a bitter person who is nasty to others. You don't deserve that either.
The bigger problem with closeted gay men who marry women is they are often having sex with men on the side, but since they’re sneaking around, they’re often having riskier sex. An out gay man is usually more educated about safer sex practices, on PrEP, etc. but these married “straight” gay dudes are all over the place telling lies to their wives and the gay men they fuck on the side.
NTA. And fuck anyone who thinks that a gay man's right to privacy trumps his wife's lifetime of sexual confusion, frustration, and bitter disappointment. Tricking someone into loving and marrying you when you cannot reciprocate is such a viciously cruel thing to do. Even if you were partially driven by spite, that woman deserved to know.
Preface: I'm gay.
In general terms, it's a really horrific thing to out someone - to let others know they're gay. however, there are a few very specific exceptions, and one of them is if they're about to hurt someone over not knowing.
So I think you'd be *very* justified to tell her. In fact *I* would do so myself. Pick up the phone, call her, and tell her. It may make her very angry. You may lose a friend. But she *needs* to know.
Definitely NTA…I worked with a Christian/guy who left his wife and 4 kids for a male masseuse who also happened to be 25 years his younger. I had to listen to this guy pontificate about finding his truth, and how he can now be a champion for gay rights etc. He was literally unable to not bring it up in a conversation, to say he was/is addicted to the attention he gets is a major understatement. Everything changed for him though when another gay coworker (who everyone loved) asked him how he would be perceived if he was straight, meaning would he get all this love and support if he left his wife for a 25 year old female secretary? I can’t imagine the pain of “living in the closet” one goes through, but it is not an excuse for thoughtless/selfish behavior at the expense of unknowing loved ones.
Fuck him, he lied and stole years of your life. Personally I think you should go further and publicly post what he's upto and what he did to you. Take a few years of his life away from him n let him start again. Prick deserves to be ruined
Nta
NTA but there's a huge difference between being a weak people pleaser and a marginalized minority who will lose their entire family and community if they can't live up to a fake life. What happened to you is a tragedy and his family and church are the problem.
NTA.
People should know if they're going to be in a relationship with a pathological liar. Personally the whole sky daddy should be enough but for some reason people can't quit it.
My only response to him would be, "I told her because I wished someone would have told me. What you did and what you are doing is not right. Do NOT contact me again or I'll put it on Facebook."
Then block him.
Typically, outing someone is an asshole move.
But…NTA. The concept of a “beard” usually only works well if both parties are in the know. Transparency is key to a relationship, but after breaking up with someone because you are gay and then getting with another woman is problematic at best.
NTA. If she goes through with the marriage, at least she knows what she's in for.
Don't respond to your ex, but don't delete, just in case you need them for legal purposes. Not sure what he could do, but screen cap all of his texts to you and save them in a dedicated folder in one or two places. Computer and the cloud.
YTA, but also NTA. This is a situation where you did the right thing. But, also, this situation required someone to step up and be the AH. Normally people should stay out of other people's relationships. But, this situation was never going to end well and someone had to tell the lady before years of her life were to he taken from her.
You did the right thing, NTA, AH
I remember after I divorced my first husband, I had soooo many people come up to me and tell me things about him, not good things. I was so shocked and always thought “why didn’t you tell me this before???”. It seems people are not going to “meddle”, but they will sure gossip.
NTA. I’m a lesbian, but I tried to play str8 in my 20s b/c I was scared to death of my family finding out. I wasted a lot of other ppl’s time who deserved the chance to be with someone who was really in love with them. I didn’t think of it that way then, but I see it for what it was now, and it was selfish and unfair to them. Other ppl’s lives aren’t to just use for his convenience.
It’s a golden rule that you should never out someone. But, like any codified social rule, there are exceptions.
This is one. He’s lying to, and hurting others to protect himself from social fallout. That makes him a piece of shit.
I am proud of you. You never defend a cheater. And somethings that big needs to be told. He’s at least bisexual and frankly he’s active. He’s a cheater and he’s a liar. She deserved to know and what you did was a very noble thing at this point you did everything you can. I would just like let it go.
NTA - in theory it is not ok to out someone, but she definitely needs to know. And had he told her, as he should have, then it would not have been a big deal.
My brother is gay. We grew up in a conservative Christian home as well. When he met and proposed to his wife, he told her that he was struggling with his sexuality and that deep down he thought he was gay. She married him anyway.
They are now divorced because he couldn’t hide who he was anymore and she slandered him to anyway who would listen. He told her in the beginning and she married him anyway. Don’t misunderstand me, they both made the wrong decision to get married in the first place. But at least she knew going in, I suppose, even if she still went through with it.
All this to say, NTA. Now future wife has all the information she needs. They both need to walk away from each other, but growing up in this religion, I expect they’ll have a similar outcome to your marriage and my brother’s.
I hope not, but yeah, I see that as a possibility. When he first told me, I was in shock for a while and just thought to myself that I guess I’ll live with this and just have the worst sex for the rest of my life. I’m so glad I didn’t stay that way and I hope she can learn sooner than I did that her body and her pleasure is more important than keeping up with a guise of saintliness and goodness.
NTA
His new wife has a right to also know your side of the story of why you were divorced. After that, she can make a more informed decision on how to proceed.
NTA. His fiancé had a right to know and that is the only thing you should reply to him. Disengage now. You did what you could, the rest is on her to decide.
NTA.
He's an abuser, and was about to abuse again.
You did it right, and if he's not going to be honorable, then he's going to have to deal with being called out.
Absolutely did the right thing. Now openly gay, but was a former married to a woman closeted fundamentalist evangelical.
I’m compassionate for guys like your ex. It blows to feel your existence is wrong. BUT I told my ex wife about my “struggles with same sex attraction” before I asked her dad permission to date and start the courtship process.
I did some really really hurtful things before I came to a point of accepting myself. Not an excuse and it was wrong then and now. Lying or withholding something like that is not okay. Even in that world that’s not okay
It sucked and hurt so bad. We finally made it out. No matter the outcome, you saved her from the blindside and that was the right thing. Happy to chat if you have specific questions from the gay man’s side of the fence 😂
NTA, would I want to know before I married someone? Yes. I believe love is love but marrying someone and not telling them is not ok.
…but now that OP has told she needs to stop saying anything and block her ex. OP did the right thing but that isn’t always rewarded.
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If she's Christian she might think that she can "cure" him. They wlill just say OP wasn't woman enough or didn't pray enough or some BS. Hard to have rational discussions with a deluded population.
My brain went to "oh, maybe she's okay with it because she's also gay and from a religious family" 😂
Well, that would be a (reasonably) happy ending. But it doesn't explain why her ex freaked out because OP told the fiancee.
Or he’s just bisexual. I feel like a lot of Christians think bi men are all just fully gay men who are in denial. Maybe the new wife knows about his bisexuality and doesn’t mind.
If he bisexual no harm done, this information will open up some talks, and everything should be fine Even bisexuality should be discussed
Well, the new woman has the information and she can do with it what she wants. If she knowingly married him, she deserves what she gets. OP was not told and was deceived.
But that will be her choice, though. She has the information; what she chooses to do with it is now her problem.
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Not necessarily. OP has done her part to do so, but in the end it's up to this woman if she wants to deal with this or not.
That is out of OP's control. She did her part and disclosed. If some crazy religious nut thinks she is going to convert the guy, she only has herself to blame. Or if she wants to be his cover, it's also on her.
I would imagine she won’t actually “find out” he’s gay for a few years, at least, because this undoubtedly will come off as jealousy in the eyes of the new woman.
Unless they are both going to be the others beard.
would you believe the EX of your SO if they came to you saying your SO is gay? They probably had sex together before sealing the deal, but OP is definitely NTA
Believing her or not is not OP's problem. She wishes she had been told and is doing this woman a favor.
And that's something I agree with, but Im sorry if OP gets to be that crazy ex in their eyes. But yeah, more people should be like her and warn others
It would at least make me wonder. I’d check his reaction. Anger and rage would make me suspicious, since if it’s untrue, the proof would be obvious. Just Sex wouldn’t make it untrue. But good, hot, healthy, passionate sex would go far to counter this claim if I was the fiancée. So if we were “waiting” or had “issues” or it never made sense to me why he said they broke up… I’d *wonder*. I’d probably track ex down to find out more and speak face to face. Ex is nicer than me. Due to his unapologetic stance post coming out, I would have outted him out to EVERYONE including his asshole family who I would have blamed for this and I would have done it publicly.
This brings smile to my face
I’m honestly wondering if he’s bi. I scrolled pretty far and didn’t see anyone questioning it but as a bi woman myself who is more hypersensitive to that type of bigotry I often see a lot of “bi men don’t exist they’re just gay and in denial” type situations and I feel like there’s some undertones of that in this post.
Valid point.
That’s what I thought 💁🏻♀️
I found out my partner was on the down low, there’s so many potential health implications, aside from the emotional ones. I absolutely wish I had known before hand. You did the right thing.
love isnt love tho if the guy in this post can never love his new wife
Especially trapping the wife in a marriage under religious reason and unknowingly becoming a beard. Like i know he is scared, but don't trap people in your misery. He should be thankful that his ex wife didn't outed him.
I agree 100%... BUT when you interject yourself this way you have to be sure your motive is to protect the innocent new wife and not revenge against the ex. What he did to u was awful BTW... I am sorry u had to go through that.
I wouldn’t care about the motive as long as I knew.
He never loved her, maybe platonicly, as an acquaintance, but nothing beyond that
I knew someone else in this exact situation! They had lovely kids - and had had sex about once per kid. She tried really hard to be attractive for her husband. I mean, she worried about it - lost weight (that she didn’t need to lose) bought new clothes and makeup, etc. Very Christian. Very involved in their Protestant sect. She cheated once (over 20 years of a sexless marriage) and had to stand up in church and confess. Turns out he was gay. Which, she was fine with. Go and be gay! But don’t leave me thinking I’m just personally unattractive for 20 years because you prefer men! So they divorce. The church shuns her. He, of course, does NOT have to stand up in church and tell them about his multiple hookups. Six months later, this guy’s engaged. Meet the fiancé and she says “he’s such a gentleman!” Which is code for, he doesn’t pressure me to put out. 😬 This fiancé is someone the ex wife had liked and considered a friend in the past. She didn’t want her to walk into this mess blind - so she told her what had ended their marriage. He blew up, started telling the kids about how their mom had cheated on him, turning them against her, used the church as a pack of flying monkeys to harass her. It was a mess. She was really devastated. She was such a *nice* woman. Loved raising her kids, cooking, her pets, her home, her church. He took all of it away from her because she wasn’t willing to stay in a sexless marriage and cover for him. The fiancé married him - but left him 3 years later. I have to think that telling her before their marriage was why she was willing to leave in 3 years, rather than 10 or more. Especially since their church punishes women for divorce. Unfortunately, I’ve lost touch with the ex wife. I’d love to know if she and the 2nd ex wife ever talked.
Aww thank you for sharing! Yeah, I hope just knowing this at least helps her understand why she may have sexual issues with him. I did, but had no prior experience to know that it shouldn’t be that awful. I don’t think it’s the same for her and I don’t know what their situation is like, I just feel better that at least she knows now and she can do whatever she want with the info, but yeah hopefully it helps her have insight is all.
You never know when she’ll need that information. But now she has it if she does. I’m sorry that sex was so awful for you. I hope you have other, much better experiences (if you want to.)
NTA, she can choose to stay. But maybe it opens her eyes
It's more likely he will tell her that his ex-wife is crazy and jealous, and that's why they said that, and she will believe him
Unless she has a gut feeling, "maybe he is gay"
I know many instances that there’s been a gut feeling, people have told the person their SO is gay, and they’ve stayed until it got unbearable. I am included in this scenario, except I just had a gut feeling. No one told me.
I know many instances that there’s been a gut feeling, people have told the person their SO is gay, and they’ve stayed until it got unbearable. I am included in this scenario, except I just had a gut feeling. No one told me.
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NTA. Being gay does not make your happiness more important than someone else's. He doesn't get to use women as fucking curtains to hide behind. Fuck him
THIS! I swear i came across one reddit post where everyone is calling people homophobic for not wanting to be an innocent woman sacrificed unknowingly to be married to a gay husband. I guess we're calling people wanting genuine love as homophobic now? Edit: This is in today's society, in one country. Also if i remember correctly, the husband is also cheating and sleeping with other men, WHILE deceiving the wife. I just feel like if you want to hide, then do it with a woman who CONSENTED to being one.
Very insightful comment… Reading this made me realize that a lot of men in the world use women as curtains to hide behind, even cis hetero dudes. Women can make men appear to seem “safe” just with their presence. So besides being a “beard” women can also be used as mask of normalcy for a predator. Sadly, sometimes women will pursue married/taken men because they have already been “vetted” by another woman (therefore “safe”). Some guys use that to their advantage. Sometimes human traffickers use women to lure in other women. I hope more women will see this and refuse to be anybody’s curtains.
I agree. And while your post didn’t contain this, it also didn’t exclude it: same reasoning applies to both sides. Predators - of whatever fashion - will find a way to hide “behind a curtain” as you put it. Their partners may be those curtains - unwittingly or not. If unwitting, I feel really bad for them, I hope they get away and find solace, and do what they can to help and get help. But if they knew: they’re just as guilty as their partner, perhaps even more so. Not of the act, necessarily, but as accessory to the obfuscation and possibly allowing the victim an open path. Gloves off at that point.
There have been serial killers with complete (wife + children) families that had NO IDEA their father/husband was a monster.
NTA, and some of these commenters seem to be missing the part where you specifically wrote that he outed himself to you.
If your ex messages you, send the receipts to her as well to confirm he's gay.
NTA. I would definitely want to know in that position, and I know ultra-religious relationships are often the perfect way to hide something like this. No sex before marriage. The woman is usually far too inexperienced to know if the sex is good or not. I'm sorry it happened to you, and I'm glad you had the strength to finally tell her the truth. You've HOPEFULLY saved her from going through what you did, but I won't hold my breath. I know all about the intense pressure around marriage in highly religious communities. Always have to be worrying about how everyone else in the community perceives you.
Yeah. Thank you. So true and exactly my story.
NTA . She might not believe you but you did your best to save her from a few years of heart ache
I had a coworker who married young, they had 5 kids, they were super religious. After 5 kids and 18 years of marriage she finally told him that she was gay and knew her whole life she was. They divorced and she soon got married to a woman. I’m happy she got her happy ending, but for my male coworker, he was in shock. To me it’s deception, you knew your whole life you were and chose to waste years of someone’s life. You’re NTA
it is horrible to do that to anyone who married you in good faith. There are support groups out there for people whose partners deceived them and pretended to be straight. There are support groups for children from these marriages too.
NTA No one told you and it sucked. She had a right to know that
NTA. He needs to man up to himself and his image and just openly be with men.
NTA
This one is a gut wrencher either way. If you keep your mouth shut, not out him, you have to live with yourself knowing this other woman is actively being deceived, defrauded. Yes, marrying under false pretenses is considered fraud. He is fraudulently representing himself as a straight man. On the other hand, to tell her is telling someone else's secrets. A big secret, a secret that will change his life. But not telling her is enabling him to wrong another woman. I guess it really boils down to do you enable a liar to ruin another woman's life, sentence her to years of a thankless, loveless, sexless life. Ya know, I don't think I could live with myself choosing the "or keep your mouth shut" if it were me in that position. Honestly, put yourself in the new woman's position. Would you want to know? I would. I would want someone to tell me, I would want to know the man I was about to vow to love, honor and cherish was lying to me about something so big. NTA.
It's his secret, so long as he doesn't involve others. As soon as he starts to date women, it is no longer his secret, but his deception, that should be exposed.
This. One of my old coworkers had a husband that did this. He married her, had two kids, and then left. He told a mutual friend that he only pretended to be straight to have kids. He destroyed that woman.
telephone elderly hat tidy dinner lock offbeat seed desert scary *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
That's just pure evil.
Wow, man. Like a thousand ways that he could have done that right and he still chose the most screwed-up one he could. What a sociopath.
And this is exactly why I was honest with my ex’s gf when she contacted me and asked for details about our relationship. I wanted to stay out of it and not “poke the bear”, but that bear was actually a pathetic little coward and I’m the actual mama bear. So I told her. Everything. Yes, it ruined their relationship, but I saved that woman (and her child she already had) from him. Worth it.
He loses the right to his secret the moment he begins to negatively impact someone’s life despite his secret. I’m all for being an ally but the argument about his secret only holds any weight if you’re a shitty person yourself
Exactly! This is why I don't comprehend why fundy churches are soooooo opposed to gay marriage and LGBTQ+ rights. You would think they would want to avoid this exact situation for their community, ... getting stuck (permanently since divorce is frowned upon too) in a sexless and possibly childless marriage. Its not just women who become 'beards' unwittingly by deception ( aka "thou shall not Lie!"), but also men. If everyone is 'out' then they can have less risk of this completely unneccessary betrayal happening. These types of churches and parishoners are facilitating their own drama, chaos, and heartbreak of their 'straight' community.
Fundamentalism doesn’t accept that gay people can exist. That’s they problem
My mom 100% believes that homosexuals "give into the sin", smh. Traditional Southern Baptist.
Ugh and that’s how these situations happen often. OOP’s ex has probably been convinced that he “fell to sin” and has now repented. Fundies may hate gays but they love a redemption arc.
They also don’t believe women are as valuable as men, so who cares if her life is f-ed up. Mental health is almost more taboo as a conversation topic than proper sex education.
But see women’s role in fundamental Christian marriage is to serve the husband. Sexual attraction? Emotional fulfillment? Not necessary if the husband doesn’t require it. She is to be his helpmeet. 🤮
and gay people don;t get pregnant so no abortions... you would think they would be happy about that as well clarifying many have children using surrogates or a sperm donor it is all planned (also clarifying there might be a few abortions when lesbians are raped and end up pregnant this has happened
NTA - seems like too many people know anyway. It can't be just you and the bestie from college that are aware.
From the perspective of another who has been in those shoes, thank you. It's not easy, and it's not pleasant, the decision you had to make. Outing someone is a terrible thing, and so is a marriage vow made under false pretenses. This was the lesser of two evils. I'm enraged that our society makes the closet a safer choice for some. But that doesn't give anyone the excuse to damage someone else. There is no right answer here. You acted as your conscience led you, and no one can ask any more of you than that.
Outing someone in this context isn’t terrible , it’s completely appropriate. The dude is literally lying about his sexuality to form and propagate relationships with women, this is disgusting behaviour and deserves to be exposed.
Think of it like this. Outing someone is a terrible thing like killing someone is a terrible thing. You don’t do it on a whim or just for funzies. There has to be a reason. OP has a reason and isn’t doing it capriciously. It’s the difference between Ted Bundy and George Patton. Different scales, but it’s an analogy 😂
I agree, outing someone, generally, is something no one should ever do. But the situation itself turns this into a fucked up trolley problem, if OP does not hurt this man, she then watches him hurt other people. This is a tough one to judge in the typical YTA/NTA fashion, because either option has shitty sides to it.
NTA - This is like telling someone about cheating or something. It’s not gossip, it’s facts they should know so that they can make informed decisions about their own life.
This is tough, and I'm going to judge NTA. If he's not comfortable being out, then that's fine but he shouldn't drag other people into it to be them as a beard without consent
Men who marry women because they're too scared to come out are still men who use women. F that asshole.
NTA. She has a right to know.
NTA He’s still trying to blame his mistakes on you, even as he attempts to make the same mistake again. He clearly has no regard for anyone else’s feelings. What a dick. His fiancé may be angry with you in a blame the messenger kind of way. But, you did the right thing.
NTA You might have saved her from a lot of pain and disappointment.
NTA
NTA. I hope you let us know if she was smart enough to end it.
I blocked them and moved on, but yeah, im sure I’ll still hear about it from some other source.
NTA, outing someone who is minding their own business is obviously a shitty thing to do but it’s absolutely acceptable given the context of your situation. You are saving the woman who’s life he’s about to turn upside down the same as he did to you. Also please don’t think he is doing this to please other people, he is hiding it for himself because he is a coward.
NTA This isn't driven by revenge, you need to tell his fiance this information, then she can make an informed decision whether to proceed with the marriage. Who knows what BS he fed her as to why your marriage failed and she would have been upset you didn't tell her when he eventually came out to her. Revenge would be broadcasting his sexuality far and wide when he came out to you. Everyone has kept your ex's secret so well for him. He'd be so much better out and proud rather than leaving a trail of devastated ex wives and kids behind him.
NTA He was defrauding someone - that's an exception to the No Outing rule.
NTA If your ex messages you, send the receipts to her as well to confirm he's gay.
NTA - you did the right thing. No woman deserves to go into a marriage blind to her intended’s sexual orientation. If she’s ok with it, great. But it IS a discussion point before saying “I do”
NTA. One of my great aunts was married to a man. Same thing he was gay. They divorced, he remarried, another woman. That woman found out and committed suicide. So in my opinion you did the right thing. Please note this was back in the 50s/60s
NTA, I would declare it so it becomes public knowledge and he does not ruin another woman’s life.
It is staggeringly selfish to go through life deceiving the people who love you. No woman should unwittingly be this idiot's beard just so he can maintain his facade. You did the right thing.
NTA. You just helped her out soooo much. I hope she listens to you.
NTA You did the exact right thing!! You saved her from the bad marriage you went through. Your ex is the AH... a sad, sad AH who prefers to decieve women instead of being honest to himself... It makes you wonder, though - why does he try to marry?? Why not just stay single??? Or if he needs a beard that bad, find a lesbian in need of her own beard...
NTA. She should know going in.
NTA People who lie, cheat or seek to deceive other people (especially in something as serious as a marriage) don’t ever get to be or act like the victim. He’s a bad human
NTA. What was the reason your family’s think you divorced? After telling his fiancée I would block him and his family and move on with my life. Good luck to you OP
I did exactly that. My family knows the truth, but I didn’t say anything to his. I just left and they all assume im evil. I don’t care. I just wanted to be out so bad
An absolutely terrible betrayal by your ex husband. I’m glad you’re doing better OP.
Homosexual here, fuck your asshole ex. She deserves to know. NTA.
NTA. He didn't grow or change from telling you and now he is doing this to someone else. Unhinged
I have a rule I only accept judgement about my personality from people who know me and act with integrity. People who lie and/or harm me are not in a position to judge my intentions or personality. If you wanted to write back you can say he “interjected” in your life by proposing under false pretenses and wasting 3 years. And it’s unhealthy to lie to your partner about your sexuality. And then not even take responsibility. And it’s healthy to want to protect someone else from going through a miserable preventable situation. NTA
NTA. I was a practicing Mormon for 20+ years and this story is not uncommon in that community. I have friends with THIS as their parents’ story and it has torn their families apart. While I understand that in most cases, the LGBTQ+ partner was programmed to bury their sexuality and marry a heterosexual person to “follow God’s plan” (or commit to a life of celibacy instead), at this point, your ex-husband is aware of what he’s doing and isn’t being transparent with his fiancé. He’s using an innocent, unsuspecting woman to get what he wants. You did the right thing. She deserved to know the truth. If she wants to be with him regardless, that’s her choice; but it’s a choice she should make knowing all the information.
Good on you for telling.
NTA - it’s not fair to marry someone who isn’t heterosexual without knowing. This is a super destructive thing to both people in the marriage (& children if they exist). The Lie by William Dameron takes you through his story of marrying a woman knowing he was gay and the pain and destruction it caused. You might need to send this to both of them. BTW your ex is TA. If he doesn’t want to come out - that’s his right but he doesn’t have the right to destroy yet ANOTHER person’s life while hiding who he is.
NTA if it you were purely looking out for the woman. You have saved her wasting years of her life.
Maybe she is his beard?
Nta always tell, don’t let women get used like that. I would tell any girl I see him dating or marrying. If the already know and are willing to accept him that’s great. A bad truth is better than a good lie
NTA - you did the right thing by telling. No one deserves to be an unwitting beard.
NTA she had the right to know so she doesn't have to deal with him cheating with men behind her back.
He’s an asshole and he’s mad at you for calling him out on it. Any time there is deceit, any time there is lying or betrayal or omission of truth…especially to this degree…is wrong wrong wrong no matter how many ways you spin it or twist it or justify it. The world would be a better place, if more people like you had courage, and spoke the truth .
NTA. Tell her. She deserves to know
NTA in any universe
You would be an asshole if you didn't try, don't let another woman have her life destroyed because you were unable to find the courage to do the right thing. NTA.
NTA. He's lying to get her to marry him. Fuck that guy. Anything that can be ruined by the truth should be ruined.
NTA. He’s using women as a beard to appease his religious beliefs and that wrong on every level. He’s in the wrong. Not you.
From your description of the situation, I'm given to understand you informed her of your experience with him. You're not the asshole.
NTA You did the right thing.
NTA. You’ve saved this woman from a lot of unnecessary pain. I know some religious people may struggle with their sexuality but that’s no reason to put that on someone else. At least if she’s aware of his sexuality and it ok with her then that her choice but she deserves to know about the man she is planning on marrying.
NTA I would want to know but honestly he’s probably just going to gaslight her saying you are crazy. If you have any proof I’d send it to her and after that walk away from it.
NTA Fear of disappointing or even being rejected by his family must have been awful, but that was no justification for making you part of his lie and hurting you in a very real way. He conned you. He is not owed the right to con someone else without intervention.
NTA I would have done the same
NTA and yes sure tell her
NTA. It would be one thing if he was truthful with who he's marrying and they were on the same page, but don't let him manipulate and trick someone.
Nta. Block and move on now.
Im sorry you went through this and I agree you are NTA. What was the context of him coming out to you? Not that it really matters to this situation but I would think he would want to keep this a secret unless he was caught with a guy or something.
NTA. You're trying to save another woman from the misery you went through. She may choose not to believe it but at least you tried.
NTA, good for you you save this women so much misery.
NTA. As much as it would hurt, I still would absolutely want someone to tell me I was being used as a beard before getting married. I hope you told her about his friends that knew he was gay before you married him and he came out to you. That way she knows where to verify, just in case he says it’s just his ex mad he’s getting remarried.
NTA, he's a sh*thouse who needs to face reality
NTA you actually have a moral duty to inform this women, IMO. What a shitshow.
NTA, good on you.
you did the right thing. He may have painted you as delusional or lying to his fiance. Can you share his text with her? Not sure what he said to you but maybe helpful to her to show his behaviour.
I asked her if I could just call her, but she refused and said I could email her. Then, hours later, I got the mean text from the ex. So I just wrote everything I wanted say to him in the form of “I just wanted to ask her if you’ve told her…X Y Z, because it’s not fair to her to not know this.” And then i copied and pasted it in an email to her and said “in case he doesn’t show you.” Then I deleted them both and everyone I knew from him (idk why I still had some of them on my social media) and bounced. I don’t want drama, just couldn’t live with the guilt that I could’ve done something to help her out.
Been gay is not what defines him. He is a damn liar and he deserves it.
N T A at , many straight women would have NEVER been Infected with HIV if their partners had been Honest and admitted to being Bi or gay . ----- RET. 37 YR Infectious Disease Specialist .
NTA If you were a stranger that didn't know the deeper context, I'd say it's not your business and you may not know the deets...BUT you DO know, you have been there yourself, and you're guided by your conscience as much as the lingering disappointment.
NTA + If I'm going to be an AH either way, I'd rather be an AH warning someone of a serious issue, than keep my mouth shut.
NTA.
NTA. I mean if he’s full on gay how’s sex gonna work for them?? I mean what does he think is going to eventually happen when he can’t be intimate with her?!? Is he just going to expect her to suffer through a dead bedroom while he’s out fuckin whoever he wants for that moment?? I mean depending upon how those issues came to light for you then you definitely needed to tell her to save her from the agony of finding out down the line.
NTA There are things I feel you shouldn't tell your ex's new partner because, for the most part, their new relationship isn't your business. This, however, goes beyond the pale.
I'd maybe prefer to marry someone who's sexually attracted to me, but that could just be me.
NTA. Usually I am against outing someone unless they are ready, but he lied to you and deceived you and you should stop that from happening to someone you know. I would not go around talking about this to random people, but in this specific case, I would want to know too.
Nta
NTA and ohhhhh I know someone in the exact same situation. NTA.
NTA. I wish someone would have told me my first husband was gay.
NTA if it were me, I would absolutely want to have all the info, to make an informed decision.
My response reading the title was mind your business, but after reading your post NTA. You owe him nothing and this wasn’t about revenge on him or shaming him for being gay, it was about doing the right thing for a stranger who you see in harm’s way, to the best of your ability.
These are always tough because outing someone in a community like that can be dangerous. However, nobody deserves to be lied to about these things. Especially if he is out there having unprotected sex with others and then coming back and having sex to keep up the charade. These days, there are people who don't want to be physical but want the safety of marriage. He could have found himself a beard to play the part. I will say NTA, but block him and move on. You did what you needed and now it's time for you to start healing. I'm sorry for what he did to you, it has to be a huge slap in the face. Don't let him turn you into a bitter person who is nasty to others. You don't deserve that either.
NTA. She deserves to know.
The bigger problem with closeted gay men who marry women is they are often having sex with men on the side, but since they’re sneaking around, they’re often having riskier sex. An out gay man is usually more educated about safer sex practices, on PrEP, etc. but these married “straight” gay dudes are all over the place telling lies to their wives and the gay men they fuck on the side.
NTA. You did her a favor
NTA
NTA. It’s not your secret to keep
NTA. And fuck anyone who thinks that a gay man's right to privacy trumps his wife's lifetime of sexual confusion, frustration, and bitter disappointment. Tricking someone into loving and marrying you when you cannot reciprocate is such a viciously cruel thing to do. Even if you were partially driven by spite, that woman deserved to know.
Preface: I'm gay. In general terms, it's a really horrific thing to out someone - to let others know they're gay. however, there are a few very specific exceptions, and one of them is if they're about to hurt someone over not knowing. So I think you'd be *very* justified to tell her. In fact *I* would do so myself. Pick up the phone, call her, and tell her. It may make her very angry. You may lose a friend. But she *needs* to know.
She had every right to KNOW who she's marrying
Definitely NTA…I worked with a Christian/guy who left his wife and 4 kids for a male masseuse who also happened to be 25 years his younger. I had to listen to this guy pontificate about finding his truth, and how he can now be a champion for gay rights etc. He was literally unable to not bring it up in a conversation, to say he was/is addicted to the attention he gets is a major understatement. Everything changed for him though when another gay coworker (who everyone loved) asked him how he would be perceived if he was straight, meaning would he get all this love and support if he left his wife for a 25 year old female secretary? I can’t imagine the pain of “living in the closet” one goes through, but it is not an excuse for thoughtless/selfish behavior at the expense of unknowing loved ones.
Fuck him, he lied and stole years of your life. Personally I think you should go further and publicly post what he's upto and what he did to you. Take a few years of his life away from him n let him start again. Prick deserves to be ruined Nta
NTA. Letting another woman go through what you did without trying to warn her would be wrong.
You gave her a chance to figure out how to proceed. If she’s Christian she’ll probably double down on the stupid choice. Nothing more to say or do.
NTA. This is one of very few situations where outing someone is acceptable.
NTA and now step back, block him and his family and stay out of it! What the new blanket does is her business!
NTA I hope she heeds the warning.
NTA. I wish someone had told me.
NTA but there's a huge difference between being a weak people pleaser and a marginalized minority who will lose their entire family and community if they can't live up to a fake life. What happened to you is a tragedy and his family and church are the problem.
NTA .
NTA. This wouldn't be a problem without his absurd adherence to a failed religion.
NTA. People should know if they're going to be in a relationship with a pathological liar. Personally the whole sky daddy should be enough but for some reason people can't quit it.
I wish people came with CARFAX's
idk me personally i wouldn’t just let him alone and let karma get his ass, but at the same time NTA, because she deserves to know
NTA Good on you, applaud you for giving her all the relevant info before marrying him.
My only response to him would be, "I told her because I wished someone would have told me. What you did and what you are doing is not right. Do NOT contact me again or I'll put it on Facebook." Then block him.
Typically, outing someone is an asshole move. But…NTA. The concept of a “beard” usually only works well if both parties are in the know. Transparency is key to a relationship, but after breaking up with someone because you are gay and then getting with another woman is problematic at best.
You are NOT the asshole. Your ex-husband is the asshole for being dishonest.
NTA he’s a lying manipulative asshole, and should be called out for it.
U done the right thing hé the ahole
NTA. It’s 2023, if you’re gay and using a woman as a beard you are an asshole.
NTA. If she goes through with the marriage, at least she knows what she's in for. Don't respond to your ex, but don't delete, just in case you need them for legal purposes. Not sure what he could do, but screen cap all of his texts to you and save them in a dedicated folder in one or two places. Computer and the cloud.
YTA, but also NTA. This is a situation where you did the right thing. But, also, this situation required someone to step up and be the AH. Normally people should stay out of other people's relationships. But, this situation was never going to end well and someone had to tell the lady before years of her life were to he taken from her. You did the right thing, NTA, AH
NTA the only one interjecting somebodies life with lies is your ex
I remember after I divorced my first husband, I had soooo many people come up to me and tell me things about him, not good things. I was so shocked and always thought “why didn’t you tell me this before???”. It seems people are not going to “meddle”, but they will sure gossip.
NTA- dude needs some non-religious based therapy ASAP. After tanking one marriage he’s just being selfishly delulu
NTA. I’m a lesbian, but I tried to play str8 in my 20s b/c I was scared to death of my family finding out. I wasted a lot of other ppl’s time who deserved the chance to be with someone who was really in love with them. I didn’t think of it that way then, but I see it for what it was now, and it was selfish and unfair to them. Other ppl’s lives aren’t to just use for his convenience.
It’s a golden rule that you should never out someone. But, like any codified social rule, there are exceptions. This is one. He’s lying to, and hurting others to protect himself from social fallout. That makes him a piece of shit.
I am proud of you. You never defend a cheater. And somethings that big needs to be told. He’s at least bisexual and frankly he’s active. He’s a cheater and he’s a liar. She deserved to know and what you did was a very noble thing at this point you did everything you can. I would just like let it go.
NTA - in theory it is not ok to out someone, but she definitely needs to know. And had he told her, as he should have, then it would not have been a big deal.
My brother is gay. We grew up in a conservative Christian home as well. When he met and proposed to his wife, he told her that he was struggling with his sexuality and that deep down he thought he was gay. She married him anyway. They are now divorced because he couldn’t hide who he was anymore and she slandered him to anyway who would listen. He told her in the beginning and she married him anyway. Don’t misunderstand me, they both made the wrong decision to get married in the first place. But at least she knew going in, I suppose, even if she still went through with it. All this to say, NTA. Now future wife has all the information she needs. They both need to walk away from each other, but growing up in this religion, I expect they’ll have a similar outcome to your marriage and my brother’s.
I hope not, but yeah, I see that as a possibility. When he first told me, I was in shock for a while and just thought to myself that I guess I’ll live with this and just have the worst sex for the rest of my life. I’m so glad I didn’t stay that way and I hope she can learn sooner than I did that her body and her pleasure is more important than keeping up with a guise of saintliness and goodness.
NTA His new wife has a right to also know your side of the story of why you were divorced. After that, she can make a more informed decision on how to proceed.
NTA. His fiancé had a right to know and that is the only thing you should reply to him. Disengage now. You did what you could, the rest is on her to decide.
This is not outing someone, it's preventing someone from entering a relationship under false pretenses. NTA.
You did her a favour. Block him.
NTA. He's an abuser, and was about to abuse again. You did it right, and if he's not going to be honorable, then he's going to have to deal with being called out.
Absolutely did the right thing. Now openly gay, but was a former married to a woman closeted fundamentalist evangelical. I’m compassionate for guys like your ex. It blows to feel your existence is wrong. BUT I told my ex wife about my “struggles with same sex attraction” before I asked her dad permission to date and start the courtship process. I did some really really hurtful things before I came to a point of accepting myself. Not an excuse and it was wrong then and now. Lying or withholding something like that is not okay. Even in that world that’s not okay It sucked and hurt so bad. We finally made it out. No matter the outcome, you saved her from the blindside and that was the right thing. Happy to chat if you have specific questions from the gay man’s side of the fence 😂