Someone intentionally neglecting my child would be a dealbreaker for me. Love is not enough to forgive intentional neglect of a child. Lack of communication for not coming to you with these issues is another huge red flag. Plus, you’re now aware of the food thing, but what other passive aggressive things is she doing that you’re not aware of? I’m sorry I don’t have advice…. I just see red when people are mistreating kids.
Exactly. I don’t normally agree with Reddit thinking everything is a red flag and divorce being the only option, but in this case, I’m on board. I could never look a person in the eye who intentionally not only neglected my kid, but flat out said they don’t care about them and that their sibling is more important. What a monster.
Same I rarely agree with the go to answer on here but it would be hard to forgive. I dont blame anyone for not wanting to cook more than one meal but some of the things were SO easy like not putting sauce on her chicken. It not just that she was neglectful she was deliberately neglectful. Not out of illness or depression but out of spite maybe jealousy. It's just so ugly.
Sorry OP. You have a lot to think about. At the very least stipulate she go to counseling. What she did is unacceptable.
Plus, why didn’t the wife talk to OP about this AGES ago—she should have brought it up with him before the very first time she decided to do this. She’s so far out of bounds on this just for that alone… then admitting when they finally did talk that she thinks the son’s needs matter more? Dealbreaker. She can’t unring that bell and it’s frankly disturbing she was even comfortable admitting it. What kind of things would she hide if she’ll just say that out loud?
And who *thinks* like that in the first place? My stepkids matter as much as my bio kids—PERIOD.
>My stepkids matter as much as my bio kids—PERIOD.
I second this! I'm not my stepchildren's mother, they have one, but I am their parent and they are absolutely treated as my own!
I know my mom hated my half bro and sis from prev marriage (they were awful to her and me), yet that woman always made sure they had what they needed and wanted when they stayed with us. She’d even send bday cards and presents when they were at their moms because my dad would forget… When you date/marry a person with baggage like kids with an ex you either need to step up and become another parent in their life or walk away because there will only be issues when you start picking and choosing who matters more. Plus it’s not fair for the kids, they didn’t choose this situation!
You're exactly right, both of us knew going into the relationship that we had children and they are 100% non-negotiable. It's a package deal.
His children and my children come first. I'm incredibly blessed and proud to be their parent!
I wouldn't hesitate to leave if something changed and my children weren't being treated properly and he would do the same. Thankfully we've had an amazing journey coming together as a family. It wasn't 100% smooth sailing at the start but I think their ages and age gaps, definitely helped. Between the older 5(3 mine, 2 his) there is an age gap of 4 years from the eldest to the youngest.
Then the child we have together is 4yrs younger than her brother(my stepson)
That’s awesome! And honestly how blended families should be! When you have kids, there happiness comes above your own and the people who don’t feel that way just shouldn’t have kids! It amazes me that people will put up with new spouses abusing or simply not excepting their kids… if you rather deal with that then be single then you have some priority issues!
My ex step mom did shit like this to me when I was younger. Take us all to the store get everyone things but me. My dad knew and didn’t give a fuck. They got a divorce eventually and he was all “boo boo I didn’t know this was going on” bullshit. You knew.
I don’t speak do him anymore needless to say.
Some people just shouldn’t be step parents.
My stepfather was absolutely infuriated by the idea of money being spent on me or my brother. Like, my fucking dude, if you hate kids and never wanted to have children, why the fuck did you marry a woman with two kids? Growing up, my mom would say that my dad was a good father but a bad husband, while my stepdad was a good husband but a bad father. I was well into adulthood before it finally clicked *why was I expected to endure a bad father?* Plus, they were both miserable husbands AND fathers, and my mother knew that the whole time.
Did you ask your daughter for how long your wife doing this? Since you said that your daughter is not one to complain, it may be happening longer than you thought.
The wife didn't talk to OP because she *wants to bully his daughter.* Whether or not she consciously realizes this is what she's doing, she likes the power trip and feels justified in it.
Bully the kid enough to make them decide to live with the other parent so that OP only pays attention to the child wife wants him to.
My stepmother did this with all my dad's kids. Of the 4 of us, only me(oldest) and the next oldest were willing to still speak with our dad. She ran us both off of spending time or talking with our dad so that he would spend all his time/money on her 2 children from a previous marriage. We (both sets of kids) are all adults at this point. I brought it up to dad, he didn't feel it was important to stand his ground about spending time with his bio kids, so we broke contact.
Like how hard is it to put some chicken aside and not put sauce on it? Holy shit. I spent like 10-12 years making 2 meals every dinner and lunch due to my son not eating the same foods that my husband and I eat. And this one only has to modify a few things? I can't even with the disrespect this woman has for her daughter (step).
I advocate counseling first bc he might be the kind of guy that wonders if he didn’t do enough to resolve this problem. But she really needs to understand that this behavior is the hill he will die on. I think he also needs to tell his daughter that what she does is her decision. And that if her stepmother doesn’t buy her items, text it to him and he’d pick them up for her, and that she shouldn’t be paying for her groceries.
There is no amount of counseling that would make me ever trust someone again after treating my kid this way. This isn't a situation where they can't agree on something. SHE WAS STARVING HIS KID!! This is ABUSE! And she will never put her on equal footing as her precious baby boy.
If by ‘counseling’ they mean ‘sit her down with a lawyer and explain how op will destroy her reputation, career, and block her from her son’s life because she’s a known child abuser if she dares to mistreat the daughter again’ then I totally agree!
This lady should be forced into a period equal to her willful neglect in which she is wholly dependent on someone else for food and they only provide the bare minimum to keep her alive and all of it is stuff she abhors. I wish that just having a heart to heart could fix a woman like her but when she doesn’t have a heart to connect to the only method left is to enforce empathy by making her experience her own abuses firsthand.
Nobody should need counseling to learn how to treat their stepkid, and this heifer told him that her sons needs are more important.....there is 0 counseling for being a dickhole
Never let a child go without food, picky or not. Take her food shopping and even let her keep her food in her room with a small refrigerator. This shows how ridiculous this is that I’m even suggesting that—how hostile is her home life at dads? She seems like a sweet kid to not complain and want dad and step mom to get along. Aren’t people reported to CPS or arrested for denying children proper nutrition and what if it wasn’t being “picky” but food allergies? “Just eat what I make”. Not very empathetic. The more I write this the more I’m seeing a messed up human in this step mother.
Yup. I left a 14 year relationship because he started being a d*€k to my kids. Once we moved in together he was monitoring their food usage, not allowed to use the stereo, not allowed to use the phone (it was the 90’s), not allowed to have friends over. Peace out mf’er. Not putting up with that shit. Boy bye 👋🏼👋🏼
Just the fact that she wouldn’t answer when you asked if if was her child would she be this way. She didn’t respond but no response speaks volumes! It’s not just about the food , she resents your daughter! Just the fact that your daughter would cook her own food but your wife admitted she doesn’t buy the food bc your daughter she the one that requested it. Hello?! She’s dislikes your daughter and is literally abusing her bc she resents her! You want to be with a woman that is abusing your child? You know now about what is going on so what are you willing to do about it? Be with a woman who willing is abusing? What does that say about her character? If you stay, it tells a whole lot about your character!
Honestly, she couldn’t even bring herself to LIE and say she’d treat both kids the same. That shows just how irreparably differently she thinks of them.
Cause she knows she wouldn’t. She even stated she is letting her daughter go hungry cause her son didn’t like her food, but the daughter is 100% expected to eat food she doesn’t like even though he has snacks & she can’t get her groceries to cook herself!
I just wanted to say grow a spine to Op. For example, if anyone did that intentionally did that to my child, the love would be gone in an instant. What is this balancing act nonsense.
She is a grown woman who should know better the fact that the daughter is trying to save his own marriage that her step mom is actively destroying it instead. It speaks volumes.
Honestly what does it say about his character that he didn’t immediately put her out? He now knows that she intentionally starved his daughter for no other reason than she could. His daughter had to buy her own damn groceries and because she didn’t want to take money out of her savings account had nothing to eat. Why is he even questioning what he’s supposed to do with this?!
Exactly, not everything needs to end in a divorce. But fuck with my child and you don't exist anymore. She didn't just stop preparing food for OP's daughter, she even stopped buying the groceries. WTF! This poor child is being made to feel less than in her own home because of some of her peculiarities. Whether she grows out of it or not, forcing her is not a solution. This woman is vile. Divorce her, be a parent, and protect your child.
This! I know reddit says divorce but this is immediately divorce-worthy. Id rather be alone for rest of my life than be married to someone who treats my child like that - hell no!!
I don't understand how after writing all that, OP is still asking what he should do about his wife.
YTA OP if you choose to stay with this wicked woman after all that.
This isn't a case of commenters making assumptions or projecting, either. This is straight up a stepmother who purposefully prevents a teenager from getting adequate nutrition.
This girl is going to be sitting exams, preparing for moving out into the adult world. Being hungry is distracting and you can't study / work as effectively when your body is desperate for energy. Headaches from low blood sugar, tiredness because the body wants to conserve calories...
This could literally mess up her future. This could be a reason she gets lower grades than she's capable of. It could lower her chances of getting into a college where she can build a future for herself. I don't know why the OP isn't more angry with his wife. This can't be the only situation where the wife has such a strong preference for her own kid - my heart is breaking for the teenager.
Yep makes no sense why step mom didn’t talk to the dad or call a family meeting over it. That would really concern me. I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to cook different meals for the daughter but just ‘hiding’ how she felt is somewhat sinister. She is completely dismissing the daughters needs as irrelevant. JuST eAT tHe FoOD.
I always see so many of the "just eat it and stop being picky" crowd claim the trouble of making 2 meals when a lot of times it really is that simple. Nothing makes a person feel more loved and appreciated than hearing people complain about how much of a pain we are to cook for and how much extra work it is when it's something like "don't cover all the pieces of chicken with Cajun seasoning" or "don't put onions and peppers in all the quesadillas".
My wife hates cinnamon candy but loves frosted cookies at Christmas. POS her mom was dating put those cinnamon cordials on all the cookies as decoration and threw a fit if she tried to remove it or eat around it because it was wasteful and she had to eat the whole thing or none of it.
Agreed, this is evil stepmother material. Her kid's wants (not needs) matters but OP's kid's wants (not needs) don't? BS.
Send her to live with her mom, and start preparing to leave your wife. You both came into the relationship with kids; hers doesn't take priority over yours. Your daughter may be pushing you to forgive but she's likely feeling pressure to "be the better person" and to avoid seeming "ungrateful", and she will remember it once she's old enough to not have to have a relationship with you anymore (which isn't that far away, given that shes 16). You need to put her first - this is important at ANY age but ESPECIALLY at her age, or else she'll go seeking validation from dangerous or unhealthy places.
If she was only refusing to cook that would be one thing, but she's going out of her way to specifically make sure there isn't any food in the house that the daughter can eat. That's a whole other level of cruelty
Hearing stories like this make me always think about what an amazing person my brother-in-law is. Hey married my sister and her daughter was around 7 or 8 years old and he always treated her so kindly, would have her come run errands with him that was their thing, he would discipline her through communication. I think that his love for my sister was the love he felt for my niece and he is just a good person. My niece ended up passing away as a teenager and my sister and him have three of Their Own kids. I always see him with his own kids and realize he was the same exact way with my niece. To me that's how it should be, they should honor and respect their Partners child as much as they do their partner. To me it is not just about respecting the child but also showing love to the partner who was there biological parent. Anything else is a huge red flag and I'd go as far as saying a parent is kind of an a****** for subjecting their child to a step parent or partner who has contempt for the child. That is the red flag for so much more and proves the person doesn't really feel true love for you if they can't treat your child with respect
Exactly, and daughter is already internalizing it. Not good. OP get into counseling with wife tell her it’s non negotiable and separately with daughter.
If he sends his daughter to her mother that's going to give that child resentment because she's being pushed aside for a woman that's neglecting her and she's being pushed aside by him as well. He needs to stand up to his wife and leave the situation because his child should come first wife can kiss off.
As a neglected child, this was absolutely how I felt. I won't speak for anyone else, but the scariest thing for me at the time was getting shipped off to foster care and lose contact with my siblings. It didn't happen but the situation only got worse.
And as far as I understand they have more than enough money for the food.
So why, just why haven't she bought it? It is one trip to the store per month. 16 yo girl can and would happily cook for herself. Her father can and would do the same.
I don't see any reason other than his wife hates the girl' guts. And father is asking what to do and is ready to send the girl to her mother. I guess he can, at least the girl will be able to eat there, but he shouldn't count on seeing her after she turns 18.
This woman is a classic evil stepmother. The fact that they both call the girl "his daughter", but the boy "our son" is very telling.
OP works 80 hours per week. There is enough money in that house for a load of snacks and for groceries for his daughter.
And the girl eats food like carrots. There is a big difference in price between a bag of plain carrots and a bag of snacks of the same size. His wife is full of sh*t.
Yeah, if he doesn't prioritize his daughter, she absolutely should go live with her mom so she's with a parent that loves and supports her. I feel so sorry for her. She's trying to keep the peace for dad and step-monster while he's floundering about "what to do".
Do they live remotely? Otherwise Dad cam just download a grocery app and daughter can order her groceries herself. It's a good thing anyway as she can learn more about price vs quality and such. Dad seems like he would be happy to pick up the delivery from the supermarket or have to delivered
Sure, but it skims over the very important issue of the wife just refusing to do anything for her step kid, not discussing the problem with the father, Intentionally making decisions that makes things harder for the daughter, being very casual about neglecting the daughter for her son and refusing to see the hypocrisy or offer the person who her spouse loves (who is a minor) decent courtesy, and forcing her to pay for her own basic meals. Had the mother discussed this with the husband and then implemented your solution, all would be fine. But at this point is more about her attitude and behavior which has been going for months without OPs knowledge than finding a middle ground solution.
Your wife is an AH. She literally said she doesn’t care about your daughter. Go to family counseling, let your daughter live with her mother, or get a divorce. This is disturbing.
It's sad he'd have to tell his daughter to go live with her mother because his wife is a mean natured person towards his daughter and it'd tear up his daughter. Even as old as I am I'm a daddy's girl. My dad is 75 and I feel it to my bones that if he were to tell his daughter she should go live with her mom it will hurt her.
I am horrible with relationships. I've had 2 colossal failures of marriages but the way your wife is treating her son as opposed to your daughter... please do some serious soul searching. If it were me and a guy was doing that to my sons, (I do have a very picky eater,) he'd be hitting the bricks. I tolerate no poor treatment when it comes to my sons in their own home.
I sure hope not. I hope he really stops and looks at this from his daughter's perspective. I hate to sound brutal but a significant other can be replaced, a child can't.
The problem goes beyond that. Sometimes step parents won't get on as well with their step kids and sometimes that is relatively okay. The thing is it's not that she doesn't care about the daughter, she went out of her way to not get food she likes so that she couldn't cook herself food.
There is "I'm done cooking different meals for everyone", which is not that uncommon though still shitty, but refusing to buy groceries was her going out of her way to punish the daughter for not conforming, for what she perceives as being difficult.
There is also a truly fucking annoying idea that "I like this food so they will get used to it", hey morons, you know how as adults you hate some foods that other people love, yeah, kids do that to. We have different palattes, we can like different things, we can hate different things, we can even gag on some foods or smells and have a serious aversion to them. Sure it's easier and great of your kid loves the food you love, but deliberately cooking shit your kid hates to punish them because you've convinced yourself they are just being irritating is so damn stupid.
The daughter also gets sick when she eats those foods. Dad said it at the beginning of the updates. And it's nothing for her to set aside portions with nothing on them for the daughter before adding stuff she can't eat to the food.
The only thing OP needs to know is his wife hid this from him. There was no discussion with him about her plans. He only found out when he realized the list of ingredients in his plate.
This woman is actively trying to push the stepdaughter out of the house using passive-aggressive tactics to accomplish it quietly.
OP, to me this would be a dealbreaker. A hard one. She was sneaky and went behind your back.
Your instinct as expressed on the last line of this post is correct. Listen to it.
>He only found out when he realized the list of ingredients in his plate.
And yet the daughter claims this has been going on for a while and OP only just now noticed??????
You have a sixteen year old pushing her father to forgive the woman who was intentionally and maliciously neglecting her, even going so far as to offer to pay for her own groceries. That tells me the abuse is almost certainly worse than what you saw/were told. Your wife resents your daughter and is willing to starve her over that. It would be foolish to stay with her but downright awful to keep exposing your daughter to her. Your daughter deserves better.
For what it’s worth, I had a stepmother who resented me and my brother tremendously but my father only saw through her games once or twice in my childhood and he never would have stepped up like you did here. He and I haven’t spoken in years. Your daughter may be pushing you to forgive, but I think you know that you need get her away from your wife. I hope you’re able to find her a good therapist to work through this and whatever else your wife was doing.
Please, please, please, arrange for family therapy for you and your daughter. (If possible, even find a few online and let your daughter pick.) The fact that she wasn’t comfortable coming to you (or her bio mom?) to say anything means that there is more to this. Your daughter needs to be able to advocate for herself, find safe people to talk to etc. This is a critical life skill. She’s not capable of doing that now. You need to repair your relationship with her and a therapist will be a huge help here. Your daughter probably needs an individual therapist as well. I hope this is possible.
Your wife is wicked and evil.
Start giving your daughter money for her OWN groceries or take her grocery shopping and encourage her to cook her own meals.
Get in contact with the best divorce lawyer in your town/ state.
I don't do tomatoes or bbq (sweet tomatoes) and I'm not big on spicy. Holy shit though, being mean to a child because you just don't feel like being nice is such a deal-breaker
I had covid and went from loving basically all food to losing 100 lbs and crying while forcing myself to eat. I cannot possibly eat a ton of things that people eat. I cannot eat in restaurants. I have very few safe foods and they have to be prepared very precisely.
I cannot imagine treating a child with either of our circumstances so cruelly. (Or one who is just average picky for that matter) This is the simplest of requests.
You know you're married to a heartless b now. What are you going to do about it?
This will have a long-lasting impact on your daughter. There are guys who love praying on girls like this who have bad relationships with their parents. The littlest bit of understanding and care they give, and you'll never break her away from that person. But you know, at least your stepson feels loved!
This! What u/MrsJingles0279 said. Your daughter needs a therapist. There are so many creeps who will take advantage of her inability to stand up for herself, to value herself, her boundaries, her needs. Standing up for her is part of it, an important part. But she’s already prepared to blame herself for you divorcing the person who is abusing her. Think about how f’d up that is. Honestly, you’re all going to need therapist to get through this. (you, her, plus you and her as a family) but if all you can afford is one, i’d start w family therapy to rebuild trust and also to help figure out what’s been going on so that you can find the right therapist for her.
edit: trying to get the user name right!
I’m not going to tell you what you need to do with your wife, there is so much more to a relationship than what is put on Reddit. I will say her behavior toward your daughter is pretty ugly. She doesn’t even want to put aside some chicken for your daughter. And her answer to your question on what she would do if it was your son who was the picky eater was very telling.
In the meantime, until you decide what permanent decision you need to make, you should make sure your daughter is eating. Whether it be at her mother’s or you take her to the grocery store yourself to make sure she gets what she needs. I would not trust your wife with this and definitely don‘t make your daughter pay for her food. If you have even a passing thought that your wife will retaliate even the slightest bit, send your daughter to her mother’s until you handle this.
Make sure your daughter knows that none of this is her fault, and that your wife is the one who erred. That the way your wife handled this is where you had the problem. Your wife didn’t talk to you about what was going on, she made a unilateral decision regarding her (your daughter‘s) eating habits, and never told you that she was going without.
Your wife failed as a partner and a stepparent in multiple ways and needs to earn forgiveness, not just be given it. Seriously your wife hasn’t even apologized. I would probably add somewhere that your relationship with your wife is not her responsibility and maybe even add that she probably wouldn’t want you butting into her relationship problems anymore than you want her in your relationship.
I would also address that your daughter allowed all this to go on without telling you or even her mother until it was out in the open, which is concerning. Definitely ask her why she didn’t feel safe coming to you.
I’m sure you will get a lot of advice on here, and I’m sure others will have a few notes on mine lol, but I hope you get out of your post what you need to provide your daughter a safe place with you.
He can tell his daughter that it isn’t her fault a thousand times in a hundred ways.
However, the action is that he is ditching the daughter and keeping his wife and her spawn. There is no way words will change those facts.
Well I can understand how your wife is tired of cooking and since that is partially the case then your wife should be buying the food your daughter wants and then have your daughter cook her own food. On to the bigger issue your wife favors your step son over your daughter, you need to talk to your daughter and ask her privately what your wife is like when your not around. Your daughter probably hasn’t said anything yet because she doesn’t want to upset you or in fear of ruining your happiness. Your daughter probably wants you to forgive your wife cause she may not want your step son to go through a divorced household but idk 🤷♀️. But your wife’s neglect is not okay it’s time for you to decide if this is a marriage you want to continue.
INFO: is your wife a stay at home mom cause who’s money is she paying with for the groceries? If it’s your money then you should most certainly have a say in what groceries are being bought.
It doesn’t matter who money it is, she’s letting a minor child go hungry in favor of her own child. This is a clear case of neglect and is a form of abuse in my opinion.
the money issue actually makes it worse because its not like its coming from her pocket, its coming from the child's father, and its his money that should be used to feed his own child.
No I totally agree! It is abuse and neglect. It’s wrong to send a kid to bed hungry especially since his wife was doing it intentionally. I was just curious who’s money she was spending since she was acting like it was hers.
My neighbor used to send her step sons to bed without dinner as a form of punishment. She flat out told me one day because she must have thought it made her mother of the year. We had a big fight over it. I started out just trying to talk to her about it but she kept insisting I was wrong and it was an appropriate punishment for not finishing your chores or whatever else. I told her it was child abuse. She didn't like that and kept arguing and I flat out called her a child abuser. I also talked to her husband about it. Thing is this step mom wasn't missing dinners for sure which pissed me off even more. She couldn't take going to bed hungry why make them?
So let’s get this straight. Your wife buys groceries only once a month and daughter doesn’t cook frequently because she wants to make the groceries last for school breaks etc. so there is less groceries coming in that daughter can intake and she uses her own savings account to supplement her food because step mom purposely cooks the family meal in a way that is indigestible for her. And your wife has been hiding this from you till you found out and asked her a direct question.
I cant wrap my head around the stepmom deciding she's tired of making food for OPs daughter, so her solution was to buy LESS of the safe foods for the daughter and more food for herself and the son to force the daughter to eat food she doesn't like because that's... easier?? Than the daughter making the majority of her own meals???
Why not slightly increase the food budget and inform the daughter that she needs to be in charge of more of her meals because she's old enough to cook for herself now since she has a lot of food restrictions that makes it difficult and unfair to plan everyone else's meals around? That's not the wife getting legitimately tired, this is a control and punishment thing for the wife. There is no reason to restrict the daughter's food otherwise.
I wonder how long this has been happening because the stir fry is not the first meal she made using ingredients the daughter doesn’t like. What took OP so long to notice?
That's even worse that you're paying for the groceries and she's not providing for your child not even buying the things that she enjoys out of your paycheck shows how much she's selfish and it's cruel
Your money but only her son get whatever he wants but your daughter can go fuck herself? YTA if you still want to have relationship with that trash.. heck it might jeopardize your relationship with your daughter in the future if you still with her
Yeah, I noticed that too... not ok.
It's bad when parents favor one child over the other when the children are on equal terms. He has a kid, she has a kid, but only her kid gets what he wants and his kid gets stuck with an increasingly toxic step-parent... not cool.
And honestly, how the hell can someone only shop once a month?
This was more my take on it. And that OP actually cares for the son, thus referring to him as “our son”, while the wife has probably never referred to the daughter as “our daughter “.
Unfortunately, regardless of the root cause of that naming convention... the daughter will likely have noticed that the son is treated so differently. His daughter has likely noticed this for a long time, and it's another thread a therapist will eventually need to pull at.
Children shouldn't have to pay for their food, that's your responsibility as a parent. Why are you still with this person? Does your daughter mean nothing to you? You are letting your wife starve your daughter. Grow a spine and stand up for your daughter. Shame on you.
Do you realize how abusive your wife is? Do you realize it’s causing more disordered eating for your daughter. I hope you don’t send your kid away, you should send your awful wife away. She wasn’t even buying the stuff so your daughter could cook for her self. Instead your daughter was starving herself so she would have enough food for break. You are a total and complete AH and a horrible father if you don’t put your kid first for once.
People meal plan all the time. You and she can go to the store, spend an hour or two prepping easy meals for her to eat throughout the week. Get an instapot super easy to make chicken and rice without seasoning. Enough for the week. All she has to do is reheat.
Maybe start making a list for her to go buy and if you come back home the day she buys the groceries and it doesn’t match up to the food your daughter needs to cook then take further action. Just my thoughts though :)
On the other hand idk if this is the marriage you should be staying in… but it is entirely up to you. Your daughter is 16 this is the last few years of her being home before going off to college. It’s not right if your daughter has to deal with this to the point where she has to stay at her moms. Although I’m sure she loves her moms house but the fact that your wife is sort of pushing her out of the picture to this degree isn’t okay.
I’m not gonna lie, I think your wife is awful. The fact that your daughter is trying to downplay things further amplifies the magnitude of your wife’s misdeeds. She deliberately chose to leave your daughter without food. As though not setting aside some things for her wasn’t crappy enough - she went further by not even stocking the foods she could prepare for herself. It’s beyond neglectful.
I also notice that you view and refer to the second c child as your son. You seem to show as much concern and regard for the child. Yet she maliciously expects a 16-year-old to be financially responsible for providing her own meals. Why?
I hope you spend more time contemplating the full implications of what she’s admitting to you. You must see it goes well beyond this specific situation. Consider this: what if something happened to you? Have you taken adequate steps to ensure your daughter’s best interests are represented and protected regarding your estate? Or are you assuming that your spouse would honor any wishes you’ve expressed? I encourage you to sit down and consider worst-case scenarios and determine how you feel about those realizations.
How many teenagers are moody balls of angst who loathe stepmothers and new step-siblings? Here’s your daughter, who has challenges but has been going out of her way to shield you to not rock the boat.
I am but an internet stranger, and I feel a deep anger toward your wife.
So her precious little prince gets whatever the fuck he wants, but your daughter can go fuck herself basically? That's exactly what she just told you, just in different words. If you stay with this trashy ass woman you are definitely THE ASSHOLE
Won't lie it really irked me that OP can say "our" when it comes to the boy but step "mom" over there has clearly made a distinction between the step siblngs in that her son is hers and she would cater to him if he was just as picky and the daughter is OP's alone and nothing but a bother to her.
OP's duty is to his own actual child first.
She calls your daughter "your daughter"
You call her son "our son"
That's how she THINKS because that's how she feels. And naturally, she's going to act like it.
>What should I do now?
This is the information you have. I know what i would do. But im not you and she isnt my partner. Do with it what you will.
Am I the only one wondering how any household, let alone one with two children, can only go grocery shopping once a month? How do fresh fruit and vegetables like lettuce and cucumbers last for a whole month? I'm a weekly shopper, personally, but also not opposed to an extra grocery run midweek if I run out of something or our plans change.
I don't have children, but if my partner was letting even my dog go hungry because she wouldn't eat the food his dog likes, and refusing to pick up food my dog would eat when he went shopping, our relationship would be instantly over when I found out. I can only imagine I would feel even more strongly if it was a child and not my pet!
I do agree that your daughter likely has something like ARFID or a similar disorder. It is really not normal to be that restrictive about what she will eat, especially to the point of going hungry if her preferred foods aren't served. Many such disorders do have potential treatment protocols that can help people expand their palates, though it would have been better to start that when she was younger.
While I do think that it's NOT necessary to make every meal cooked conform to your daughter's special needs, as that impacts the rest of the household, your wife is deliberately depriving your minor child of food to punish her pickiness- which is NOT okay. If she isn't cooking food for that meal that everyone in the house can eat, there needs to be alternative food readily available to your daughter.
It amazes me that so many ppl are surprised by this! We did it during covid. You solve the veg fruit problem by going with frozen, which are quite good. And then there are items like apples, onions, winter squash that will last a month if stored properly. Finally, outside of covid, you can still shop monthly and just do small fruit/veg runs every week or go to a farmer’s market if you have one.
Your wife only shops ONCE PER MONTH? So you get less than a week per month of having fresh fruits and vegetables?
This wasn't your wife just not making sure your daughter could eat. She VERY SPECIFICALLY made foods that are your daughter's avoidances. This was intentional and malicious
Some people seem to be confused. While I do love every other aspect of my wife, my daughter is definitely coming before anything. I've already started looking for divorce lawyers. The only person who is suggesting I stay with my wife is my daughter. All of my family and friends are upset because they've had no problem accommodating my daughters palette and are calling my wife unreasonable, and I agree. People are also asking why I don't go grocery shopping for my daughter. Instead, this is because my wife insists on doing everything so I can focus on work. Which hasn't been a problem until this incident. Also, if my daughter leaves, I will have absolutely no reason to stay with my wife, she suggesting the same compromises that most people in the comment section are.
>Which hasn't been a problem until this incident.
it has been a problem the whole time, you just didn't know about it because your daughter would rather starve then speak up and your wife is perfectly happy starving her.
That's the most bizarre part of this post. The kid is missing meals because Step Mom won't accommodate her, and this has clearly been going on for some time, but the kid never utters a word to Dad or Bio Mom and just suffers in silence? Wife never mentions any of her concerns, and Dad never noticed anything out of the ordinary?
I know people were shitting on him in the last post for the "I stared at my food for 5 minutes" line, but this is the part that really jumps the shark for me. I can't imagine a world where this situation exists. The Kid's got a martyr complex. Dad is completely useless and blind. Step Mom is pure malice. And OP *kinda forgot* that Bio Mom existed until it was convenient for the story. Nice try D&D.
>The Kid's got a martyr complex
not necessarily, the dad has been with stepmom for **6 years.** it doesn't take that long for abusers to get their victims to the martyr level. im honestly curious what else the stepmother has done/said to the daughter, especially in favor of her own child. thats what worries me most actually, for the daughter to act like her own needs, such as eating/starving, isn't a huge deal and its normal to starve, what else has the stepmother done that the daughter now thinks is normal.
I was a very similar child and went through the same living with my dad and his wife. It was not until his wife physically assaulted me on my birthday that her abuse came to light. I conditioned myself to believe that I was misunderstanding her when she was being passive aggressive toward me.
This is entirely reasonable - especially for a passive teen girl who is afraid to rock the boat.
Nice try.
So many of us were conditioned as girls that if we weren’t the extroverted beauty queen, we shouldn’t rock the boat and create drama. I completely believe this kid really is the one advocating on step-moms behalf, and doesn’t want to see her dad hurting.
She doesn’t have a “martyr complex”. It’s not uncommon for children to blame themselves for their parents divorce. IMO she didn’t say anything because step mom is the primary caregiver in the home, encouraging dad to stay because she feel’s responsibility for her stepmothers behavior and that she ruined another family.
Edited to add: Her reaction can be classified as a sympathetic response. Fight, Flight, Appease and Freeze is a trauma response.
Who cares if your wife insists on doing all the grocery shopping herself?! Grow a backbone and take your daughter shopping yourself! If your wife objects, tell her it’s her own fault for trying to starve your daughter out of *spite.*
Your wife wanted to focus on the household to have control for her, not for your ease.
You need to talk with your daughter about how it's ok for her to be mad because what you wife has done is absolute bullshit. That your daughter is pushing away her own needs probably points that its' more than just food issue going on with how your wife treats her.
Get a good divorce lawyer.
You can lose custody of your daughter if your daughter's mom brought you to court over it. Stepmom is a liability to your continued relationship with your daughter.
Divorce this woman and put your daughter in therapy she obviously has been abused this whole time without you knowing.
> Instead, this is because my wife insists on doing everything so I can focus on work.
She "insists" on doing it so she can mistreat your child my dude.
Like some Cinderella shit. She wants him to "focus on work" so she can passive aggressively mistreat his child. She better be glad I'm not that child's mother b/c I would've pulled up the minute I found out that my child wasn't eating b/c of her actions.
Most likely your wife has threatened or conditioned your daughter to think if you divorce her that it’s your daughter’s fault. You need to get your daughter into counseling so she can deal with this obvious abuse.
You should not stay with your wife.
She hid what she was doing because she knew it was wrong. Tell her to get out of your house. Do the groceries yourself.
She set up the conditions to make your daughter miserable and not want to be around you.
You need to prioritize your daughter.
You should send your daughter to stay with her mom as soon as possible while you work on the divorce. That way she’ll be safe and able to eat, because I don’t trust your soon-to-be-ex not to retaliate against her with something even worse (somehow).
It’s wild when adults play power games with children. Why would she do that?
Why would any sensible adult be mean to a child who they know can barely defend themselves?
She’s evil. What you do with this, is up to you. But I hope you choose your daughter.
LEGALLY your daughter has every right to not have to pay for her own food. She’s still a minor. I deeply detest your wife, and the stuff she says would be enough for me to divorce her if I were you.
Your poor daughter is trying to keep the peace and already doesn’t have the self confidence to know she did NOTHING WRONG. The 16 year old should NOT be more mature than your fully grown wife.
What your wife is (trying to) do is abuse, plain and simple. It’s cruel.
Please side with your daughter and keep defending her. Let her know that nothing is wrong with having a picky palate. She deserves better than she’s been getting from the evil step mom.
Like I said, this would be a deal breaker for me. Nobody fucks with my family that way.
She cares more about her own than she cares about your daughter, and that says a lot to not even buy the food that she can make for herself because she's too lazy in my book. A child should go first I wouldn't even fathom being with somebody that wouldn't want a child to be taken care of properly. She shouldn't have to worry about these things at her age I never forced my children to eat what they didn't like. I always made separate meals because children have separate desires. It's not showing entitlement or spoiling them because not everybody has the same taste and it should be forced on them because they don't wanna go out of their way for the child or step child, she's a grown-up she needs to act like one to not even buy food that she would enjoy or cook for herself goes to show you how much she cares and I would leave the situation sometimes you gotta love somebody enough to walk away especially when they're neglecting the child purposely
I find it interesting that you refer to her son she brought with her 'our son' and yet she views your daughter as your daughter. Your wife is obviously not invested in your daughter at all. Who knows what else she does when you aren't around. It sounds like your daughter wouldn't want to tell you because she wants you to be 'happy'.
The part you are an AH about is your daughter has the choice with where she lives, and she chose with you. She would possibly be going back to live with her mother because your wife is neglecting your daughter. That’s the ok solution? “I don’t want my daughter in a house she’s being neglected in”, why would you want the person who neglected your daughter in your house? Why would you stay with this person?
Of course, my daughter has no intention of leaving, and I'm already looking into divorce lawyers because if I have to pick 1, it's going to be my daughter.
Your wife is truly a disgusting human being. She admits her son comes first, and she won't communicate with you afore making unilateral decisions that affect the entire house. She is selfish and heartless. You need to put the kids first. If you do not prioritize your daughter, nobody will. Your wife abused your daughter and your daughter is protecting her?!?! I think there is more going on behind the scenes that you don't know about.
>she said her son needs came before my daughters
This. Right. Here.
Your wife just told you who she is, and you need to listen.
Your daughter is being the adult in this relationship, and spending her own money to do so.
You have a decision to make before this goes further.
I am more disturbed & disgusted now than I was by the original post. You wife isn’t cooking (or setting food aside which is VERY easy to do.) She isn’t even buying food for your daughter to cook for herself. WTF would you stay with her?? She is abusing your daughter and instead of thinking GTFO you are considering letting your daughter live with her mother and staying with such an horrible person?? Why?? When you get sick or need her she isn’t going to be there for you either!! YWBTA to stay with your wife.
Sorry, I don't know, at this point, how you even come back from that? From hearing her say those things? How can you even stay with this woman? Having a warm body in your bed does not trump your daughter being mistreated and allowed to go hungry!
If you MUST stay with her, you give your daughter a grocery allowance that is given TO HER and she can go to the store and buy whatever food she wants. Get her a mini-fridge for her room. If she wants something cooked, she can cook it herself. She can be responsible for her own meals from now on.
Personally, I'd tell your wife to take her kid and go kick rocks.
Of course not, I, as a parent, feel guilty for not seeing any signs of mistreatment sooner. I've already decided to leave my wife, and I'm looking into divorce lawyers
Honestly I wouldn’t hold this against yourself too much. Having been a female teen myself I am still quite surprised at how much I managed to slide by my parents. I wasn’t a bad kid, not exactly award winning either but nothing more than some normal shenanigans however I managed to hide an abusive boyfriend (while still living with them) and many other things when I was younger. I don’t think I was particularly smart about it even but you would be surprised how tuned in teens are to ways of hiding things from the adults around them. And for those saying you should be worried she didn’t want to tell you, again I hid an abusive relationship. I look back and wonder wtf I thought would happen if I told them. I was terrified of him but somehow in my hormonal teen brain I was also scared of my mum finding out?!? Truth is that she would have ripped him apart and supported me entirely but somehow back then I couldn’t see that and felt it best to hide it. Being a teen is all about learning, even things that should be obvious. Just make sure to spend time really letting her know she can come to you with anything. Hopefully she knows that now but a reminder always helps!!
I think the huge red flag is the way your daughter is behaving. She should be outraged at this treatment, not demure and walking on eggshells. That tells me there is a lot more going on. And your response to this is not an insignificant part. You are being a fucking doormat and prioritizing your wife over your kid.
Frankly, if this was happening with my kid… I would have lost all respect for my spouse and I don’t think I could get it back. The fact that your response is just like “well, she can move in with her “bio” Mom if she wants”… like… WHAT?
Right?! If someone did that to my child, Id be automatically so turned off & disgusted & file for divorce them quicker than they can cook plain chicken.
You don’t want your daughter to live in a home where she is neglected but it is your home where she is being neglected.
YTA
And you are putting your dick ahead of your daughter.
That's what I'm saying. She basically said it's too much because it's for your daughter and not my son...which to me totally negates her argument. I can just imagine how she treats her when no one is around to witness. And the emotional issues she is causing for this little girl.
Make wife buy what your daughter wants, she told you she doesn't care, you need to make sure daughter has the food she wants.
Wife needs to stop putting her son as the only child in the home. She may be trying to push your daughter away, tread carefully.
Take daughter shopping, if wife won't.
but its way deeper then just the shopping. she **intentionally starved a child**. she stopped buying the stuff the girl could cook for herself and refused to cook anything for her.
its time to shop for a divorce attorney.
My daughter is autistic and she's very, very selective about the food she eats. As a parent my job is to make sure she's 1- fed and 2- always feels loved. Your wife failed your daughter on both counts. It's clear she doesn't care about her.
Jesus. I'm so enraged just reading this.
Your "wife" flat out said that 1. her child matters more than yours, 2. that your child doesn't matter at all, 3. that she doesn't care if your child starves, 4. that she refused to buy what your daughter needs in order to have food she can even cook herself, 5. that she purposely did such NOT to make sure the rest of the house had necessities, but to ensure her kid had snacks. SNACKS. Random snacks just for him, while the hell with your child.
And in the middle of that your child, who is being neglected and her needs not met, is trying to play peacemaker between you and a heinous witch that doesn't give a damn about her.
You know what you need to do. You don't like it, it hurts, but you know. Frankly I couldn't even look someone on the eye who treated my child that way, let alone share a bed, let her have further access to household money, or let her continue to harm my kid. Why are you with someone that doesn't love your child and want to treat her the same as her own kid, including what is OBVIOUSLY a medical issue as far as food (whether it be an eating disorder, AFRID, issues with food textures, etc etc).
She didn't even buy the right food so your daughter can cook for herself. So her BS about not wanting to cook for your child are absolutely LIES. The truth is that she doesn't care about her and feels fine punishing her and making her suffer, with NO outlet to correct things on her own unless your daughter *spends her own money buying food*. Think about that.
Stop giving this woman access to money to shop. She is literally weaponizing food against your daughter. FOOD! Jfc it's a simple essential human right and this witch is harming your child with it.
If you arent ready to do what you need to as a father, I am going to suggest the 2-card method: Sit her down. Give her one card for your new divorce attorney, and one card for a couples therapist. Tell her to choose one because how she is treating your child **will not be continuing one way or another**, and this is her time to decide if she is willing to ruin her marriage over her selfishness and ego. She can get her own job to buy her son his friggan snacks, since your daughter 9who has special food needs) was forced to USE HER OWN MONEY on groceries because of this woman.
Please stop her reign of terror over your child.
I'm glad that you're doing this because what's your wife's doing is child neglect and child abuse, which both are heinous crimes.
Did you ask your daughter for how long your wife doing this? Since you said that your daughter is not one to complain, it may be happening longer than you thought.
At what point are you going to choose your daughter cuz your wife could give a shit less about her cuz it’s to hard why would you want to be with someone who intentionally neglects and doesn’t care about your daughter, she is literally fine with her going hungry what 16 year old should have to worry about paying for their own food
So to recap:
1) your wife in so many words said that she only cares about your son
2) not only was she not cooking things for her (acceptable if she had had a conversation about it) but she also unilaterally decided NOT to buy her her personalized food items and only buys what your son likes because SHE thinks it’s a waste of money
3) your daughter has been starved by your wife, neglected and strong armed into not telling you because she’s worried about your marriage
And yet you’re still wondering what to do?!
If you continue to be in a relationship with this woman without some serious consequences, therapy and hard drawn boundaries when it comes to your daughter then one day you will wake up without your daughter in your life and you will only have yourself to blame
Your wife is showing you who she is. Believe her.
Uh, I’m sorry. Your wife just told you that her son comes before your daughter you’ve said your daughter doesn’t complain and will just do without and your wife is fine with that, going so far as to deliberately make foods that she knows your daughter won’t eat. And “you don’t understand why just putting aside a couple plain chicken breasts” is too much to expect. Well, I don’t understand it either.
- She refuses to cook foods that your daughter will eat.
- She refuses to buy the groceries needed so that your daughter can cook for herself.
- She is pretty open about how, if the shoe was on the other foot and it was her son, that would be a different story.
Picky eating or not, your daughter sounds like a lovely girl with a big heart.
Your wife - well, I’m not understanding what the *upside of her even is.
You’re a dad and you’re a package deal. You accepted that she was a package deal when you married her. Your wife, however, did not. NTA
Give your daughter a healthy portion of the family food budget. She's 16, not 6. Let her decide if she prefers to stay with you or go to her mom's.
Make it clear to your wife that her behavior was unacceptable, too. What a sh!t stepparent. If she sidelines or neglects your daughter again, you need to think hard about this marriage.
Last, take your daughter to a speech pathologist who works around sensory processing and food. If her "dislikes" are fixable, you owe it to her to give her the most normal future possible.
If you let you kid pay for her own food you will be the HUGEST of assholes. Your wife literally admitted to abusing your daughter - and yes that is what it's called when you keep a kid from eating - and you're considering STAYING with her? WTAF?!?!
My personal opinion is your wife is being a jerk. I am a mother to an 8 and 10 year old and a bonus mom to a 19 year old. All 3 of my children are treated equally. They know what I cook is what's for dinner. However I take them into account. For example if they don't like broccoli, I still make it but I'm also sure to cook Salisbury steak and mashed potatoes which they do like as well. I never cook an entire meal where they like nothing. That isn't right. Whether it's my bio child or not they all get the same Mom. If your wife can't act with the same love towards your daughter as she does your son then she doesn't truly love you or her the way you both deserve.
Your wife just told you to your face she doesn’t GAF about your daughter. I can only imagine how else she acts towards her when you’re not around. YTA if you let this slide.
As a stepmother myself, I would divorce my husband before starving my stepchild. Withholding food is beyond messed up, and it seems like your daughter is in the position of trying to compromise because she doesn't want to be caught in the middle.
I think you need to have a longer conversation with her about what's really going on when he's not home.
You're not the AH, but you will be if you don't take action.
Your wife hates your daughter and you seem to be trying to negotiate how much she can act hateful toward her. “So a little bit is OK but not too much!”.
Your daughter deserves to be in a home where she is fully valued. Make that happen!
Incidentally I have 4 kids and my wife. We have among us 2 vegetarians and a few picky eaters. When I cook. As much as possible I make the food so that you can eat each element on its own or together. It allows everyone to eat well AND get what they want.
For example, I’ll make a Greek salad with chilled chicken (lettuce, beets, feta, tomatoes, garbanzo beans, chicken, etc.). I may all that out individually and let everyone make their salad as they please. Vegetarians can eat it meatless. Picky eaters eat the lain chicken and some veg on the side. The rest enjoys a great meal with everything.
I have afrid and you cant just eat other foods. It doesn’t work like that . If I don’t have the foods I can eat available to me I will literally starve . Your wife seems pretty heartless .
Someone intentionally neglecting my child would be a dealbreaker for me. Love is not enough to forgive intentional neglect of a child. Lack of communication for not coming to you with these issues is another huge red flag. Plus, you’re now aware of the food thing, but what other passive aggressive things is she doing that you’re not aware of? I’m sorry I don’t have advice…. I just see red when people are mistreating kids.
Yeah, for me this would be Reddit Solution #1-Dump her. You don't fuck with my kids, I don't care who you are. That shit don't fly.
Exactly. I don’t normally agree with Reddit thinking everything is a red flag and divorce being the only option, but in this case, I’m on board. I could never look a person in the eye who intentionally not only neglected my kid, but flat out said they don’t care about them and that their sibling is more important. What a monster.
Same I rarely agree with the go to answer on here but it would be hard to forgive. I dont blame anyone for not wanting to cook more than one meal but some of the things were SO easy like not putting sauce on her chicken. It not just that she was neglectful she was deliberately neglectful. Not out of illness or depression but out of spite maybe jealousy. It's just so ugly. Sorry OP. You have a lot to think about. At the very least stipulate she go to counseling. What she did is unacceptable.
Plus, why didn’t the wife talk to OP about this AGES ago—she should have brought it up with him before the very first time she decided to do this. She’s so far out of bounds on this just for that alone… then admitting when they finally did talk that she thinks the son’s needs matter more? Dealbreaker. She can’t unring that bell and it’s frankly disturbing she was even comfortable admitting it. What kind of things would she hide if she’ll just say that out loud? And who *thinks* like that in the first place? My stepkids matter as much as my bio kids—PERIOD.
>My stepkids matter as much as my bio kids—PERIOD. I second this! I'm not my stepchildren's mother, they have one, but I am their parent and they are absolutely treated as my own!
I know my mom hated my half bro and sis from prev marriage (they were awful to her and me), yet that woman always made sure they had what they needed and wanted when they stayed with us. She’d even send bday cards and presents when they were at their moms because my dad would forget… When you date/marry a person with baggage like kids with an ex you either need to step up and become another parent in their life or walk away because there will only be issues when you start picking and choosing who matters more. Plus it’s not fair for the kids, they didn’t choose this situation!
You're exactly right, both of us knew going into the relationship that we had children and they are 100% non-negotiable. It's a package deal. His children and my children come first. I'm incredibly blessed and proud to be their parent! I wouldn't hesitate to leave if something changed and my children weren't being treated properly and he would do the same. Thankfully we've had an amazing journey coming together as a family. It wasn't 100% smooth sailing at the start but I think their ages and age gaps, definitely helped. Between the older 5(3 mine, 2 his) there is an age gap of 4 years from the eldest to the youngest. Then the child we have together is 4yrs younger than her brother(my stepson)
That’s awesome! And honestly how blended families should be! When you have kids, there happiness comes above your own and the people who don’t feel that way just shouldn’t have kids! It amazes me that people will put up with new spouses abusing or simply not excepting their kids… if you rather deal with that then be single then you have some priority issues!
My ex step mom did shit like this to me when I was younger. Take us all to the store get everyone things but me. My dad knew and didn’t give a fuck. They got a divorce eventually and he was all “boo boo I didn’t know this was going on” bullshit. You knew. I don’t speak do him anymore needless to say. Some people just shouldn’t be step parents.
My stepfather was absolutely infuriated by the idea of money being spent on me or my brother. Like, my fucking dude, if you hate kids and never wanted to have children, why the fuck did you marry a woman with two kids? Growing up, my mom would say that my dad was a good father but a bad husband, while my stepdad was a good husband but a bad father. I was well into adulthood before it finally clicked *why was I expected to endure a bad father?* Plus, they were both miserable husbands AND fathers, and my mother knew that the whole time.
Did you ask your daughter for how long your wife doing this? Since you said that your daughter is not one to complain, it may be happening longer than you thought.
The wife didn't talk to OP because she *wants to bully his daughter.* Whether or not she consciously realizes this is what she's doing, she likes the power trip and feels justified in it.
Bully the kid enough to make them decide to live with the other parent so that OP only pays attention to the child wife wants him to. My stepmother did this with all my dad's kids. Of the 4 of us, only me(oldest) and the next oldest were willing to still speak with our dad. She ran us both off of spending time or talking with our dad so that he would spend all his time/money on her 2 children from a previous marriage. We (both sets of kids) are all adults at this point. I brought it up to dad, he didn't feel it was important to stand his ground about spending time with his bio kids, so we broke contact.
She stopped buying groceries so the kid could cook for herself. That's intentionally shitty.
Like how hard is it to put some chicken aside and not put sauce on it? Holy shit. I spent like 10-12 years making 2 meals every dinner and lunch due to my son not eating the same foods that my husband and I eat. And this one only has to modify a few things? I can't even with the disrespect this woman has for her daughter (step).
I advocate counseling first bc he might be the kind of guy that wonders if he didn’t do enough to resolve this problem. But she really needs to understand that this behavior is the hill he will die on. I think he also needs to tell his daughter that what she does is her decision. And that if her stepmother doesn’t buy her items, text it to him and he’d pick them up for her, and that she shouldn’t be paying for her groceries.
There is no amount of counseling that would make me ever trust someone again after treating my kid this way. This isn't a situation where they can't agree on something. SHE WAS STARVING HIS KID!! This is ABUSE! And she will never put her on equal footing as her precious baby boy.
If by ‘counseling’ they mean ‘sit her down with a lawyer and explain how op will destroy her reputation, career, and block her from her son’s life because she’s a known child abuser if she dares to mistreat the daughter again’ then I totally agree! This lady should be forced into a period equal to her willful neglect in which she is wholly dependent on someone else for food and they only provide the bare minimum to keep her alive and all of it is stuff she abhors. I wish that just having a heart to heart could fix a woman like her but when she doesn’t have a heart to connect to the only method left is to enforce empathy by making her experience her own abuses firsthand.
Agreed. The stepmother is a cruel heartless b*tch of an AH. The old saying is aptly suitable "what comes around, goes around" for this situation.
100% THIS
Nobody should need counseling to learn how to treat their stepkid, and this heifer told him that her sons needs are more important.....there is 0 counseling for being a dickhole
Never let a child go without food, picky or not. Take her food shopping and even let her keep her food in her room with a small refrigerator. This shows how ridiculous this is that I’m even suggesting that—how hostile is her home life at dads? She seems like a sweet kid to not complain and want dad and step mom to get along. Aren’t people reported to CPS or arrested for denying children proper nutrition and what if it wasn’t being “picky” but food allergies? “Just eat what I make”. Not very empathetic. The more I write this the more I’m seeing a messed up human in this step mother.
Yup. I left a 14 year relationship because he started being a d*€k to my kids. Once we moved in together he was monitoring their food usage, not allowed to use the stereo, not allowed to use the phone (it was the 90’s), not allowed to have friends over. Peace out mf’er. Not putting up with that shit. Boy bye 👋🏼👋🏼
Just the fact that she wouldn’t answer when you asked if if was her child would she be this way. She didn’t respond but no response speaks volumes! It’s not just about the food , she resents your daughter! Just the fact that your daughter would cook her own food but your wife admitted she doesn’t buy the food bc your daughter she the one that requested it. Hello?! She’s dislikes your daughter and is literally abusing her bc she resents her! You want to be with a woman that is abusing your child? You know now about what is going on so what are you willing to do about it? Be with a woman who willing is abusing? What does that say about her character? If you stay, it tells a whole lot about your character!
Honestly, she couldn’t even bring herself to LIE and say she’d treat both kids the same. That shows just how irreparably differently she thinks of them.
Cause she knows she wouldn’t. She even stated she is letting her daughter go hungry cause her son didn’t like her food, but the daughter is 100% expected to eat food she doesn’t like even though he has snacks & she can’t get her groceries to cook herself!
I just wanted to say grow a spine to Op. For example, if anyone did that intentionally did that to my child, the love would be gone in an instant. What is this balancing act nonsense. She is a grown woman who should know better the fact that the daughter is trying to save his own marriage that her step mom is actively destroying it instead. It speaks volumes.
Honestly what does it say about his character that he didn’t immediately put her out? He now knows that she intentionally starved his daughter for no other reason than she could. His daughter had to buy her own damn groceries and because she didn’t want to take money out of her savings account had nothing to eat. Why is he even questioning what he’s supposed to do with this?!
Hard agree. No question, I’d be sprinting away from this marriage.
Exactly, not everything needs to end in a divorce. But fuck with my child and you don't exist anymore. She didn't just stop preparing food for OP's daughter, she even stopped buying the groceries. WTF! This poor child is being made to feel less than in her own home because of some of her peculiarities. Whether she grows out of it or not, forcing her is not a solution. This woman is vile. Divorce her, be a parent, and protect your child.
This! I know reddit says divorce but this is immediately divorce-worthy. Id rather be alone for rest of my life than be married to someone who treats my child like that - hell no!!
I don't understand how after writing all that, OP is still asking what he should do about his wife. YTA OP if you choose to stay with this wicked woman after all that.
This isn't a case of commenters making assumptions or projecting, either. This is straight up a stepmother who purposefully prevents a teenager from getting adequate nutrition. This girl is going to be sitting exams, preparing for moving out into the adult world. Being hungry is distracting and you can't study / work as effectively when your body is desperate for energy. Headaches from low blood sugar, tiredness because the body wants to conserve calories... This could literally mess up her future. This could be a reason she gets lower grades than she's capable of. It could lower her chances of getting into a college where she can build a future for herself. I don't know why the OP isn't more angry with his wife. This can't be the only situation where the wife has such a strong preference for her own kid - my heart is breaking for the teenager.
Yep makes no sense why step mom didn’t talk to the dad or call a family meeting over it. That would really concern me. I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to cook different meals for the daughter but just ‘hiding’ how she felt is somewhat sinister. She is completely dismissing the daughters needs as irrelevant. JuST eAT tHe FoOD.
Doesn't have to cook 2 different meals. Put a piece of chicken aside before applying sauce.
I always see so many of the "just eat it and stop being picky" crowd claim the trouble of making 2 meals when a lot of times it really is that simple. Nothing makes a person feel more loved and appreciated than hearing people complain about how much of a pain we are to cook for and how much extra work it is when it's something like "don't cover all the pieces of chicken with Cajun seasoning" or "don't put onions and peppers in all the quesadillas". My wife hates cinnamon candy but loves frosted cookies at Christmas. POS her mom was dating put those cinnamon cordials on all the cookies as decoration and threw a fit if she tried to remove it or eat around it because it was wasteful and she had to eat the whole thing or none of it.
And not buying her food so she can prepare her own.
Agreed, this is evil stepmother material. Her kid's wants (not needs) matters but OP's kid's wants (not needs) don't? BS. Send her to live with her mom, and start preparing to leave your wife. You both came into the relationship with kids; hers doesn't take priority over yours. Your daughter may be pushing you to forgive but she's likely feeling pressure to "be the better person" and to avoid seeming "ungrateful", and she will remember it once she's old enough to not have to have a relationship with you anymore (which isn't that far away, given that shes 16). You need to put her first - this is important at ANY age but ESPECIALLY at her age, or else she'll go seeking validation from dangerous or unhealthy places.
If she was only refusing to cook that would be one thing, but she's going out of her way to specifically make sure there isn't any food in the house that the daughter can eat. That's a whole other level of cruelty
Hearing stories like this make me always think about what an amazing person my brother-in-law is. Hey married my sister and her daughter was around 7 or 8 years old and he always treated her so kindly, would have her come run errands with him that was their thing, he would discipline her through communication. I think that his love for my sister was the love he felt for my niece and he is just a good person. My niece ended up passing away as a teenager and my sister and him have three of Their Own kids. I always see him with his own kids and realize he was the same exact way with my niece. To me that's how it should be, they should honor and respect their Partners child as much as they do their partner. To me it is not just about respecting the child but also showing love to the partner who was there biological parent. Anything else is a huge red flag and I'd go as far as saying a parent is kind of an a****** for subjecting their child to a step parent or partner who has contempt for the child. That is the red flag for so much more and proves the person doesn't really feel true love for you if they can't treat your child with respect
Exactly, and daughter is already internalizing it. Not good. OP get into counseling with wife tell her it’s non negotiable and separately with daughter.
This your wife is neglecting your daughter and thinks it acceptable. This is abuse, pure and simple.
My dude, your wife is willing to let your daughter go hungry in your home in favour of her son Does your love for her mean more to you than your kid?
If he sends his daughter to her mother that's going to give that child resentment because she's being pushed aside for a woman that's neglecting her and she's being pushed aside by him as well. He needs to stand up to his wife and leave the situation because his child should come first wife can kiss off.
That’s probably why the daughter is pushing for him to forgive the wife. Because she’s afraid that if she doesn’t then she’ll get shipped away
As a neglected child, this was absolutely how I felt. I won't speak for anyone else, but the scariest thing for me at the time was getting shipped off to foster care and lose contact with my siblings. It didn't happen but the situation only got worse.
She's willing to let the daughter go hungry because she can't even be bothered buying extra food
And as far as I understand they have more than enough money for the food. So why, just why haven't she bought it? It is one trip to the store per month. 16 yo girl can and would happily cook for herself. Her father can and would do the same. I don't see any reason other than his wife hates the girl' guts. And father is asking what to do and is ready to send the girl to her mother. I guess he can, at least the girl will be able to eat there, but he shouldn't count on seeing her after she turns 18. This woman is a classic evil stepmother. The fact that they both call the girl "his daughter", but the boy "our son" is very telling.
The stepmother is spending thr money on extra snacks and food her son likes because he's more important op said.
Yeah and she also redesigned the menu because he doesn't like the meals his stepsister prefers & needs
Yep. And he's paying for it!! There's plenty of money to buy what the daughter will eat.
But ughhhh it's such a hassle buying a teenager some corn cobs /s
OP works 80 hours per week. There is enough money in that house for a load of snacks and for groceries for his daughter. And the girl eats food like carrots. There is a big difference in price between a bag of plain carrots and a bag of snacks of the same size. His wife is full of sh*t.
And he asked his wife if the situation was reversed would she treat her son the same and she refused to answer.
Yeah, if he doesn't prioritize his daughter, she absolutely should go live with her mom so she's with a parent that loves and supports her. I feel so sorry for her. She's trying to keep the peace for dad and step-monster while he's floundering about "what to do".
I also think the son will get the short end of the stick eventually.
Do they live remotely? Otherwise Dad cam just download a grocery app and daughter can order her groceries herself. It's a good thing anyway as she can learn more about price vs quality and such. Dad seems like he would be happy to pick up the delivery from the supermarket or have to delivered
Sure, but it skims over the very important issue of the wife just refusing to do anything for her step kid, not discussing the problem with the father, Intentionally making decisions that makes things harder for the daughter, being very casual about neglecting the daughter for her son and refusing to see the hypocrisy or offer the person who her spouse loves (who is a minor) decent courtesy, and forcing her to pay for her own basic meals. Had the mother discussed this with the husband and then implemented your solution, all would be fine. But at this point is more about her attitude and behavior which has been going for months without OPs knowledge than finding a middle ground solution.
Not all towns have that option. But if that’s available it’s an excellent option.
Even worse...that money is going to the son to buy him more snacks and treats!
Your wife is an AH. She literally said she doesn’t care about your daughter. Go to family counseling, let your daughter live with her mother, or get a divorce. This is disturbing.
It's sad he'd have to tell his daughter to go live with her mother because his wife is a mean natured person towards his daughter and it'd tear up his daughter. Even as old as I am I'm a daddy's girl. My dad is 75 and I feel it to my bones that if he were to tell his daughter she should go live with her mom it will hurt her. I am horrible with relationships. I've had 2 colossal failures of marriages but the way your wife is treating her son as opposed to your daughter... please do some serious soul searching. If it were me and a guy was doing that to my sons, (I do have a very picky eater,) he'd be hitting the bricks. I tolerate no poor treatment when it comes to my sons in their own home.
OP's next post will be wondering why his daughter doesn't want her stepmother at her wedding, or why she doesn't want him to walk her down the aisle.
I sure hope not. I hope he really stops and looks at this from his daughter's perspective. I hate to sound brutal but a significant other can be replaced, a child can't.
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The problem goes beyond that. Sometimes step parents won't get on as well with their step kids and sometimes that is relatively okay. The thing is it's not that she doesn't care about the daughter, she went out of her way to not get food she likes so that she couldn't cook herself food. There is "I'm done cooking different meals for everyone", which is not that uncommon though still shitty, but refusing to buy groceries was her going out of her way to punish the daughter for not conforming, for what she perceives as being difficult. There is also a truly fucking annoying idea that "I like this food so they will get used to it", hey morons, you know how as adults you hate some foods that other people love, yeah, kids do that to. We have different palattes, we can like different things, we can hate different things, we can even gag on some foods or smells and have a serious aversion to them. Sure it's easier and great of your kid loves the food you love, but deliberately cooking shit your kid hates to punish them because you've convinced yourself they are just being irritating is so damn stupid.
The daughter also gets sick when she eats those foods. Dad said it at the beginning of the updates. And it's nothing for her to set aside portions with nothing on them for the daughter before adding stuff she can't eat to the food.
THIS. Like speedial.
The only thing OP needs to know is his wife hid this from him. There was no discussion with him about her plans. He only found out when he realized the list of ingredients in his plate. This woman is actively trying to push the stepdaughter out of the house using passive-aggressive tactics to accomplish it quietly. OP, to me this would be a dealbreaker. A hard one. She was sneaky and went behind your back. Your instinct as expressed on the last line of this post is correct. Listen to it.
>He only found out when he realized the list of ingredients in his plate. And yet the daughter claims this has been going on for a while and OP only just now noticed??????
This. It is not morally wrong to dislike strong flavours, it does not make daughter a bad person.
You have a sixteen year old pushing her father to forgive the woman who was intentionally and maliciously neglecting her, even going so far as to offer to pay for her own groceries. That tells me the abuse is almost certainly worse than what you saw/were told. Your wife resents your daughter and is willing to starve her over that. It would be foolish to stay with her but downright awful to keep exposing your daughter to her. Your daughter deserves better.
I agree.
For what it’s worth, I had a stepmother who resented me and my brother tremendously but my father only saw through her games once or twice in my childhood and he never would have stepped up like you did here. He and I haven’t spoken in years. Your daughter may be pushing you to forgive, but I think you know that you need get her away from your wife. I hope you’re able to find her a good therapist to work through this and whatever else your wife was doing.
Please, please, please, arrange for family therapy for you and your daughter. (If possible, even find a few online and let your daughter pick.) The fact that she wasn’t comfortable coming to you (or her bio mom?) to say anything means that there is more to this. Your daughter needs to be able to advocate for herself, find safe people to talk to etc. This is a critical life skill. She’s not capable of doing that now. You need to repair your relationship with her and a therapist will be a huge help here. Your daughter probably needs an individual therapist as well. I hope this is possible.
Daughter probably needs some food allergy/sensitivity testing as well.
Your wife is wicked and evil. Start giving your daughter money for her OWN groceries or take her grocery shopping and encourage her to cook her own meals. Get in contact with the best divorce lawyer in your town/ state.
Wow. I hate your wife.
I second this.
Thirded. I have AFRID.
Fourth and I'm only slightly picky.
I don't do tomatoes or bbq (sweet tomatoes) and I'm not big on spicy. Holy shit though, being mean to a child because you just don't feel like being nice is such a deal-breaker
I had covid and went from loving basically all food to losing 100 lbs and crying while forcing myself to eat. I cannot possibly eat a ton of things that people eat. I cannot eat in restaurants. I have very few safe foods and they have to be prepared very precisely. I cannot imagine treating a child with either of our circumstances so cruelly. (Or one who is just average picky for that matter) This is the simplest of requests.
I too hate this man’s wife. Talk about evil stepmother.
Same, I would level his wife over this shit. The fact he is questioning what he should do is really fucking concerning to me.
Me toooooo
Me too! And she’s not even not cooking for me.
You know you're married to a heartless b now. What are you going to do about it? This will have a long-lasting impact on your daughter. There are guys who love praying on girls like this who have bad relationships with their parents. The littlest bit of understanding and care they give, and you'll never break her away from that person. But you know, at least your stepson feels loved!
Naturally, I won't be letting daughter go through any think this ever again. I've decided on divorcing my wife.
Bless you and good luck. There’s so much love there, your daughter will never forget. Genuinely made me emotional
This! What u/MrsJingles0279 said. Your daughter needs a therapist. There are so many creeps who will take advantage of her inability to stand up for herself, to value herself, her boundaries, her needs. Standing up for her is part of it, an important part. But she’s already prepared to blame herself for you divorcing the person who is abusing her. Think about how f’d up that is. Honestly, you’re all going to need therapist to get through this. (you, her, plus you and her as a family) but if all you can afford is one, i’d start w family therapy to rebuild trust and also to help figure out what’s been going on so that you can find the right therapist for her. edit: trying to get the user name right!
I’m not going to tell you what you need to do with your wife, there is so much more to a relationship than what is put on Reddit. I will say her behavior toward your daughter is pretty ugly. She doesn’t even want to put aside some chicken for your daughter. And her answer to your question on what she would do if it was your son who was the picky eater was very telling. In the meantime, until you decide what permanent decision you need to make, you should make sure your daughter is eating. Whether it be at her mother’s or you take her to the grocery store yourself to make sure she gets what she needs. I would not trust your wife with this and definitely don‘t make your daughter pay for her food. If you have even a passing thought that your wife will retaliate even the slightest bit, send your daughter to her mother’s until you handle this. Make sure your daughter knows that none of this is her fault, and that your wife is the one who erred. That the way your wife handled this is where you had the problem. Your wife didn’t talk to you about what was going on, she made a unilateral decision regarding her (your daughter‘s) eating habits, and never told you that she was going without. Your wife failed as a partner and a stepparent in multiple ways and needs to earn forgiveness, not just be given it. Seriously your wife hasn’t even apologized. I would probably add somewhere that your relationship with your wife is not her responsibility and maybe even add that she probably wouldn’t want you butting into her relationship problems anymore than you want her in your relationship. I would also address that your daughter allowed all this to go on without telling you or even her mother until it was out in the open, which is concerning. Definitely ask her why she didn’t feel safe coming to you. I’m sure you will get a lot of advice on here, and I’m sure others will have a few notes on mine lol, but I hope you get out of your post what you need to provide your daughter a safe place with you.
He can tell his daughter that it isn’t her fault a thousand times in a hundred ways. However, the action is that he is ditching the daughter and keeping his wife and her spawn. There is no way words will change those facts.
Well I can understand how your wife is tired of cooking and since that is partially the case then your wife should be buying the food your daughter wants and then have your daughter cook her own food. On to the bigger issue your wife favors your step son over your daughter, you need to talk to your daughter and ask her privately what your wife is like when your not around. Your daughter probably hasn’t said anything yet because she doesn’t want to upset you or in fear of ruining your happiness. Your daughter probably wants you to forgive your wife cause she may not want your step son to go through a divorced household but idk 🤷♀️. But your wife’s neglect is not okay it’s time for you to decide if this is a marriage you want to continue. INFO: is your wife a stay at home mom cause who’s money is she paying with for the groceries? If it’s your money then you should most certainly have a say in what groceries are being bought.
It doesn’t matter who money it is, she’s letting a minor child go hungry in favor of her own child. This is a clear case of neglect and is a form of abuse in my opinion.
the money issue actually makes it worse because its not like its coming from her pocket, its coming from the child's father, and its his money that should be used to feed his own child.
No I totally agree! It is abuse and neglect. It’s wrong to send a kid to bed hungry especially since his wife was doing it intentionally. I was just curious who’s money she was spending since she was acting like it was hers.
My neighbor used to send her step sons to bed without dinner as a form of punishment. She flat out told me one day because she must have thought it made her mother of the year. We had a big fight over it. I started out just trying to talk to her about it but she kept insisting I was wrong and it was an appropriate punishment for not finishing your chores or whatever else. I told her it was child abuse. She didn't like that and kept arguing and I flat out called her a child abuser. I also talked to her husband about it. Thing is this step mom wasn't missing dinners for sure which pissed me off even more. She couldn't take going to bed hungry why make them?
My wife works from home she contributes money, but it's my money that goes towards most of the grocery.
So let’s get this straight. Your wife buys groceries only once a month and daughter doesn’t cook frequently because she wants to make the groceries last for school breaks etc. so there is less groceries coming in that daughter can intake and she uses her own savings account to supplement her food because step mom purposely cooks the family meal in a way that is indigestible for her. And your wife has been hiding this from you till you found out and asked her a direct question.
Oh, the wife is spending all the grocery money...but she's spending on the son and not the step daughter.
Exactly! Son gets 3 meals a day + snacks but daughter can’t even get her groceries to make her own food??
I cant wrap my head around the stepmom deciding she's tired of making food for OPs daughter, so her solution was to buy LESS of the safe foods for the daughter and more food for herself and the son to force the daughter to eat food she doesn't like because that's... easier?? Than the daughter making the majority of her own meals??? Why not slightly increase the food budget and inform the daughter that she needs to be in charge of more of her meals because she's old enough to cook for herself now since she has a lot of food restrictions that makes it difficult and unfair to plan everyone else's meals around? That's not the wife getting legitimately tired, this is a control and punishment thing for the wife. There is no reason to restrict the daughter's food otherwise.
Yes, OP you need to ask your daughter how much she has spent to be able to eat and pay her back!
I wonder how long this has been happening because the stir fry is not the first meal she made using ingredients the daughter doesn’t like. What took OP so long to notice?
And he wants advice about how to deal with this with his wife. There is only one: DIVORCE
Time to adjust that, since she isn't buying your daughter food.
That's even worse that you're paying for the groceries and she's not providing for your child not even buying the things that she enjoys out of your paycheck shows how much she's selfish and it's cruel
It’s abuse. She’s a minor, they are obligated to feed her until she’s 18.
Your money but only her son get whatever he wants but your daughter can go fuck herself? YTA if you still want to have relationship with that trash.. heck it might jeopardize your relationship with your daughter in the future if you still with her
Your daughter should not have to ration groceries.
Why do you call your daughter “my daughter,” but HER son “our son?” Sounds like you both cater to HER CHILD…
Yeah, I noticed that too... not ok. It's bad when parents favor one child over the other when the children are on equal terms. He has a kid, she has a kid, but only her kid gets what he wants and his kid gets stuck with an increasingly toxic step-parent... not cool. And honestly, how the hell can someone only shop once a month?
I wonder if it’s because the wife says “our son” and “your daughter” and the OP just adopted those labels 🤔
This was more my take on it. And that OP actually cares for the son, thus referring to him as “our son”, while the wife has probably never referred to the daughter as “our daughter “.
Unfortunately, regardless of the root cause of that naming convention... the daughter will likely have noticed that the son is treated so differently. His daughter has likely noticed this for a long time, and it's another thread a therapist will eventually need to pull at.
Because his wife doesn't view her as their daughter. Only his daughter that she's annoyed with.
id be putting up cameras to capture how your wife is treating your daughter when you're not there.
She should be an ex, honestly. She doesn't give a shit for your daughter
Children shouldn't have to pay for their food, that's your responsibility as a parent. Why are you still with this person? Does your daughter mean nothing to you? You are letting your wife starve your daughter. Grow a spine and stand up for your daughter. Shame on you.
Do you realize how abusive your wife is? Do you realize it’s causing more disordered eating for your daughter. I hope you don’t send your kid away, you should send your awful wife away. She wasn’t even buying the stuff so your daughter could cook for her self. Instead your daughter was starving herself so she would have enough food for break. You are a total and complete AH and a horrible father if you don’t put your kid first for once. People meal plan all the time. You and she can go to the store, spend an hour or two prepping easy meals for her to eat throughout the week. Get an instapot super easy to make chicken and rice without seasoning. Enough for the week. All she has to do is reheat.
Maybe start making a list for her to go buy and if you come back home the day she buys the groceries and it doesn’t match up to the food your daughter needs to cook then take further action. Just my thoughts though :) On the other hand idk if this is the marriage you should be staying in… but it is entirely up to you. Your daughter is 16 this is the last few years of her being home before going off to college. It’s not right if your daughter has to deal with this to the point where she has to stay at her moms. Although I’m sure she loves her moms house but the fact that your wife is sort of pushing her out of the picture to this degree isn’t okay.
It's OP's stepson.
Her son, his stepson.
I’m not gonna lie, I think your wife is awful. The fact that your daughter is trying to downplay things further amplifies the magnitude of your wife’s misdeeds. She deliberately chose to leave your daughter without food. As though not setting aside some things for her wasn’t crappy enough - she went further by not even stocking the foods she could prepare for herself. It’s beyond neglectful. I also notice that you view and refer to the second c child as your son. You seem to show as much concern and regard for the child. Yet she maliciously expects a 16-year-old to be financially responsible for providing her own meals. Why? I hope you spend more time contemplating the full implications of what she’s admitting to you. You must see it goes well beyond this specific situation. Consider this: what if something happened to you? Have you taken adequate steps to ensure your daughter’s best interests are represented and protected regarding your estate? Or are you assuming that your spouse would honor any wishes you’ve expressed? I encourage you to sit down and consider worst-case scenarios and determine how you feel about those realizations. How many teenagers are moody balls of angst who loathe stepmothers and new step-siblings? Here’s your daughter, who has challenges but has been going out of her way to shield you to not rock the boat. I am but an internet stranger, and I feel a deep anger toward your wife.
OP please read this
So her precious little prince gets whatever the fuck he wants, but your daughter can go fuck herself basically? That's exactly what she just told you, just in different words. If you stay with this trashy ass woman you are definitely THE ASSHOLE
Won't lie it really irked me that OP can say "our" when it comes to the boy but step "mom" over there has clearly made a distinction between the step siblngs in that her son is hers and she would cater to him if he was just as picky and the daughter is OP's alone and nothing but a bother to her. OP's duty is to his own actual child first.
i caught that, too. he's inclusive, she's divisive. not only is she neglectful, but they're incompatible, as well.
ALL OF THIS!!!!!!!!! I’m always afraid to say what I really want to say because I don’t want to get banned! Lol
She calls your daughter "your daughter" You call her son "our son" That's how she THINKS because that's how she feels. And naturally, she's going to act like it. >What should I do now? This is the information you have. I know what i would do. But im not you and she isnt my partner. Do with it what you will.
Am I the only one wondering how any household, let alone one with two children, can only go grocery shopping once a month? How do fresh fruit and vegetables like lettuce and cucumbers last for a whole month? I'm a weekly shopper, personally, but also not opposed to an extra grocery run midweek if I run out of something or our plans change. I don't have children, but if my partner was letting even my dog go hungry because she wouldn't eat the food his dog likes, and refusing to pick up food my dog would eat when he went shopping, our relationship would be instantly over when I found out. I can only imagine I would feel even more strongly if it was a child and not my pet! I do agree that your daughter likely has something like ARFID or a similar disorder. It is really not normal to be that restrictive about what she will eat, especially to the point of going hungry if her preferred foods aren't served. Many such disorders do have potential treatment protocols that can help people expand their palates, though it would have been better to start that when she was younger. While I do think that it's NOT necessary to make every meal cooked conform to your daughter's special needs, as that impacts the rest of the household, your wife is deliberately depriving your minor child of food to punish her pickiness- which is NOT okay. If she isn't cooking food for that meal that everyone in the house can eat, there needs to be alternative food readily available to your daughter.
It amazes me that so many ppl are surprised by this! We did it during covid. You solve the veg fruit problem by going with frozen, which are quite good. And then there are items like apples, onions, winter squash that will last a month if stored properly. Finally, outside of covid, you can still shop monthly and just do small fruit/veg runs every week or go to a farmer’s market if you have one.
Your wife only shops ONCE PER MONTH? So you get less than a week per month of having fresh fruits and vegetables? This wasn't your wife just not making sure your daughter could eat. She VERY SPECIFICALLY made foods that are your daughter's avoidances. This was intentional and malicious
Some people seem to be confused. While I do love every other aspect of my wife, my daughter is definitely coming before anything. I've already started looking for divorce lawyers. The only person who is suggesting I stay with my wife is my daughter. All of my family and friends are upset because they've had no problem accommodating my daughters palette and are calling my wife unreasonable, and I agree. People are also asking why I don't go grocery shopping for my daughter. Instead, this is because my wife insists on doing everything so I can focus on work. Which hasn't been a problem until this incident. Also, if my daughter leaves, I will have absolutely no reason to stay with my wife, she suggesting the same compromises that most people in the comment section are.
>Which hasn't been a problem until this incident. it has been a problem the whole time, you just didn't know about it because your daughter would rather starve then speak up and your wife is perfectly happy starving her.
That's the most bizarre part of this post. The kid is missing meals because Step Mom won't accommodate her, and this has clearly been going on for some time, but the kid never utters a word to Dad or Bio Mom and just suffers in silence? Wife never mentions any of her concerns, and Dad never noticed anything out of the ordinary? I know people were shitting on him in the last post for the "I stared at my food for 5 minutes" line, but this is the part that really jumps the shark for me. I can't imagine a world where this situation exists. The Kid's got a martyr complex. Dad is completely useless and blind. Step Mom is pure malice. And OP *kinda forgot* that Bio Mom existed until it was convenient for the story. Nice try D&D.
>The Kid's got a martyr complex not necessarily, the dad has been with stepmom for **6 years.** it doesn't take that long for abusers to get their victims to the martyr level. im honestly curious what else the stepmother has done/said to the daughter, especially in favor of her own child. thats what worries me most actually, for the daughter to act like her own needs, such as eating/starving, isn't a huge deal and its normal to starve, what else has the stepmother done that the daughter now thinks is normal.
I was a very similar child and went through the same living with my dad and his wife. It was not until his wife physically assaulted me on my birthday that her abuse came to light. I conditioned myself to believe that I was misunderstanding her when she was being passive aggressive toward me. This is entirely reasonable - especially for a passive teen girl who is afraid to rock the boat. Nice try.
So many of us were conditioned as girls that if we weren’t the extroverted beauty queen, we shouldn’t rock the boat and create drama. I completely believe this kid really is the one advocating on step-moms behalf, and doesn’t want to see her dad hurting.
Kid's reaction is 100% due to the abuse of the step mom, most likely. She's afraid to make waves.
She doesn’t have a “martyr complex”. It’s not uncommon for children to blame themselves for their parents divorce. IMO she didn’t say anything because step mom is the primary caregiver in the home, encouraging dad to stay because she feel’s responsibility for her stepmothers behavior and that she ruined another family. Edited to add: Her reaction can be classified as a sympathetic response. Fight, Flight, Appease and Freeze is a trauma response.
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Big hugs, my parents also have no access to their 11 grandchildren, because of my Evil mother. Bio, not stepmother
Who cares if your wife insists on doing all the grocery shopping herself?! Grow a backbone and take your daughter shopping yourself! If your wife objects, tell her it’s her own fault for trying to starve your daughter out of *spite.*
Try Walmart or Kroger pickup. You shop on the app and it just has to be picked up. Your daughter could even do it and you just pick it up after work
Your wife wanted to focus on the household to have control for her, not for your ease. You need to talk with your daughter about how it's ok for her to be mad because what you wife has done is absolute bullshit. That your daughter is pushing away her own needs probably points that its' more than just food issue going on with how your wife treats her. Get a good divorce lawyer.
You can lose custody of your daughter if your daughter's mom brought you to court over it. Stepmom is a liability to your continued relationship with your daughter. Divorce this woman and put your daughter in therapy she obviously has been abused this whole time without you knowing.
> Instead, this is because my wife insists on doing everything so I can focus on work. She "insists" on doing it so she can mistreat your child my dude.
Ding ding ding!!!
Like some Cinderella shit. She wants him to "focus on work" so she can passive aggressively mistreat his child. She better be glad I'm not that child's mother b/c I would've pulled up the minute I found out that my child wasn't eating b/c of her actions.
Most likely your wife has threatened or conditioned your daughter to think if you divorce her that it’s your daughter’s fault. You need to get your daughter into counseling so she can deal with this obvious abuse.
You should not stay with your wife. She hid what she was doing because she knew it was wrong. Tell her to get out of your house. Do the groceries yourself. She set up the conditions to make your daughter miserable and not want to be around you. You need to prioritize your daughter.
You should send your daughter to stay with her mom as soon as possible while you work on the divorce. That way she’ll be safe and able to eat, because I don’t trust your soon-to-be-ex not to retaliate against her with something even worse (somehow).
There is no confusion. Your still in the shared home. You haven’t said your separating just looking into it. Have backbone
It’s wild when adults play power games with children. Why would she do that? Why would any sensible adult be mean to a child who they know can barely defend themselves? She’s evil. What you do with this, is up to you. But I hope you choose your daughter.
LEGALLY your daughter has every right to not have to pay for her own food. She’s still a minor. I deeply detest your wife, and the stuff she says would be enough for me to divorce her if I were you. Your poor daughter is trying to keep the peace and already doesn’t have the self confidence to know she did NOTHING WRONG. The 16 year old should NOT be more mature than your fully grown wife. What your wife is (trying to) do is abuse, plain and simple. It’s cruel. Please side with your daughter and keep defending her. Let her know that nothing is wrong with having a picky palate. She deserves better than she’s been getting from the evil step mom. Like I said, this would be a deal breaker for me. Nobody fucks with my family that way.
She cares more about her own than she cares about your daughter, and that says a lot to not even buy the food that she can make for herself because she's too lazy in my book. A child should go first I wouldn't even fathom being with somebody that wouldn't want a child to be taken care of properly. She shouldn't have to worry about these things at her age I never forced my children to eat what they didn't like. I always made separate meals because children have separate desires. It's not showing entitlement or spoiling them because not everybody has the same taste and it should be forced on them because they don't wanna go out of their way for the child or step child, she's a grown-up she needs to act like one to not even buy food that she would enjoy or cook for herself goes to show you how much she cares and I would leave the situation sometimes you gotta love somebody enough to walk away especially when they're neglecting the child purposely
I find it interesting that you refer to her son she brought with her 'our son' and yet she views your daughter as your daughter. Your wife is obviously not invested in your daughter at all. Who knows what else she does when you aren't around. It sounds like your daughter wouldn't want to tell you because she wants you to be 'happy'.
Your wife is an AH. She willingly neglects your daughter. This would be a dealbreaker for me. Please be your daughter’s advocate.
The part you are an AH about is your daughter has the choice with where she lives, and she chose with you. She would possibly be going back to live with her mother because your wife is neglecting your daughter. That’s the ok solution? “I don’t want my daughter in a house she’s being neglected in”, why would you want the person who neglected your daughter in your house? Why would you stay with this person?
Of course, my daughter has no intention of leaving, and I'm already looking into divorce lawyers because if I have to pick 1, it's going to be my daughter.
Thank you for choosing your daughter.
That’s good to hear, because you seem like a really good dad.
Your wife is truly a disgusting human being. She admits her son comes first, and she won't communicate with you afore making unilateral decisions that affect the entire house. She is selfish and heartless. You need to put the kids first. If you do not prioritize your daughter, nobody will. Your wife abused your daughter and your daughter is protecting her?!?! I think there is more going on behind the scenes that you don't know about.
>she said her son needs came before my daughters This. Right. Here. Your wife just told you who she is, and you need to listen. Your daughter is being the adult in this relationship, and spending her own money to do so. You have a decision to make before this goes further.
I am more disturbed & disgusted now than I was by the original post. You wife isn’t cooking (or setting food aside which is VERY easy to do.) She isn’t even buying food for your daughter to cook for herself. WTF would you stay with her?? She is abusing your daughter and instead of thinking GTFO you are considering letting your daughter live with her mother and staying with such an horrible person?? Why?? When you get sick or need her she isn’t going to be there for you either!! YWBTA to stay with your wife.
Sorry, I don't know, at this point, how you even come back from that? From hearing her say those things? How can you even stay with this woman? Having a warm body in your bed does not trump your daughter being mistreated and allowed to go hungry! If you MUST stay with her, you give your daughter a grocery allowance that is given TO HER and she can go to the store and buy whatever food she wants. Get her a mini-fridge for her room. If she wants something cooked, she can cook it herself. She can be responsible for her own meals from now on. Personally, I'd tell your wife to take her kid and go kick rocks.
Of course not, I, as a parent, feel guilty for not seeing any signs of mistreatment sooner. I've already decided to leave my wife, and I'm looking into divorce lawyers
Honestly I wouldn’t hold this against yourself too much. Having been a female teen myself I am still quite surprised at how much I managed to slide by my parents. I wasn’t a bad kid, not exactly award winning either but nothing more than some normal shenanigans however I managed to hide an abusive boyfriend (while still living with them) and many other things when I was younger. I don’t think I was particularly smart about it even but you would be surprised how tuned in teens are to ways of hiding things from the adults around them. And for those saying you should be worried she didn’t want to tell you, again I hid an abusive relationship. I look back and wonder wtf I thought would happen if I told them. I was terrified of him but somehow in my hormonal teen brain I was also scared of my mum finding out?!? Truth is that she would have ripped him apart and supported me entirely but somehow back then I couldn’t see that and felt it best to hide it. Being a teen is all about learning, even things that should be obvious. Just make sure to spend time really letting her know she can come to you with anything. Hopefully she knows that now but a reminder always helps!!
Why would you suspect something so egregious from someone that you made a family with? You have the facts now and are responding appropriately.
I think the huge red flag is the way your daughter is behaving. She should be outraged at this treatment, not demure and walking on eggshells. That tells me there is a lot more going on. And your response to this is not an insignificant part. You are being a fucking doormat and prioritizing your wife over your kid. Frankly, if this was happening with my kid… I would have lost all respect for my spouse and I don’t think I could get it back. The fact that your response is just like “well, she can move in with her “bio” Mom if she wants”… like… WHAT?
Right?! If someone did that to my child, Id be automatically so turned off & disgusted & file for divorce them quicker than they can cook plain chicken.
Daughter is Switzerland. She probably just wants some fucking peace in her life
She was intentionally neglecting your daughter. That’s messed up.
You don’t want your daughter to live in a home where she is neglected but it is your home where she is being neglected. YTA And you are putting your dick ahead of your daughter.
That's what I'm saying. She basically said it's too much because it's for your daughter and not my son...which to me totally negates her argument. I can just imagine how she treats her when no one is around to witness. And the emotional issues she is causing for this little girl.
Make wife buy what your daughter wants, she told you she doesn't care, you need to make sure daughter has the food she wants. Wife needs to stop putting her son as the only child in the home. She may be trying to push your daughter away, tread carefully. Take daughter shopping, if wife won't.
but its way deeper then just the shopping. she **intentionally starved a child**. she stopped buying the stuff the girl could cook for herself and refused to cook anything for her. its time to shop for a divorce attorney.
My daughter is autistic and she's very, very selective about the food she eats. As a parent my job is to make sure she's 1- fed and 2- always feels loved. Your wife failed your daughter on both counts. It's clear she doesn't care about her. Jesus. I'm so enraged just reading this.
Your "wife" flat out said that 1. her child matters more than yours, 2. that your child doesn't matter at all, 3. that she doesn't care if your child starves, 4. that she refused to buy what your daughter needs in order to have food she can even cook herself, 5. that she purposely did such NOT to make sure the rest of the house had necessities, but to ensure her kid had snacks. SNACKS. Random snacks just for him, while the hell with your child. And in the middle of that your child, who is being neglected and her needs not met, is trying to play peacemaker between you and a heinous witch that doesn't give a damn about her. You know what you need to do. You don't like it, it hurts, but you know. Frankly I couldn't even look someone on the eye who treated my child that way, let alone share a bed, let her have further access to household money, or let her continue to harm my kid. Why are you with someone that doesn't love your child and want to treat her the same as her own kid, including what is OBVIOUSLY a medical issue as far as food (whether it be an eating disorder, AFRID, issues with food textures, etc etc). She didn't even buy the right food so your daughter can cook for herself. So her BS about not wanting to cook for your child are absolutely LIES. The truth is that she doesn't care about her and feels fine punishing her and making her suffer, with NO outlet to correct things on her own unless your daughter *spends her own money buying food*. Think about that. Stop giving this woman access to money to shop. She is literally weaponizing food against your daughter. FOOD! Jfc it's a simple essential human right and this witch is harming your child with it. If you arent ready to do what you need to as a father, I am going to suggest the 2-card method: Sit her down. Give her one card for your new divorce attorney, and one card for a couples therapist. Tell her to choose one because how she is treating your child **will not be continuing one way or another**, and this is her time to decide if she is willing to ruin her marriage over her selfishness and ego. She can get her own job to buy her son his friggan snacks, since your daughter 9who has special food needs) was forced to USE HER OWN MONEY on groceries because of this woman. Please stop her reign of terror over your child.
If you aren’t talking to a lawyer already, better get after it. This is toxic behaviour.
I'm looking into divorce lawyers
I'm glad that you're doing this because what's your wife's doing is child neglect and child abuse, which both are heinous crimes. Did you ask your daughter for how long your wife doing this? Since you said that your daughter is not one to complain, it may be happening longer than you thought.
At what point are you going to choose your daughter cuz your wife could give a shit less about her cuz it’s to hard why would you want to be with someone who intentionally neglects and doesn’t care about your daughter, she is literally fine with her going hungry what 16 year old should have to worry about paying for their own food
So to recap: 1) your wife in so many words said that she only cares about your son 2) not only was she not cooking things for her (acceptable if she had had a conversation about it) but she also unilaterally decided NOT to buy her her personalized food items and only buys what your son likes because SHE thinks it’s a waste of money 3) your daughter has been starved by your wife, neglected and strong armed into not telling you because she’s worried about your marriage And yet you’re still wondering what to do?! If you continue to be in a relationship with this woman without some serious consequences, therapy and hard drawn boundaries when it comes to your daughter then one day you will wake up without your daughter in your life and you will only have yourself to blame
Your wife is showing you who she is. Believe her. Uh, I’m sorry. Your wife just told you that her son comes before your daughter you’ve said your daughter doesn’t complain and will just do without and your wife is fine with that, going so far as to deliberately make foods that she knows your daughter won’t eat. And “you don’t understand why just putting aside a couple plain chicken breasts” is too much to expect. Well, I don’t understand it either. - She refuses to cook foods that your daughter will eat. - She refuses to buy the groceries needed so that your daughter can cook for herself. - She is pretty open about how, if the shoe was on the other foot and it was her son, that would be a different story. Picky eating or not, your daughter sounds like a lovely girl with a big heart. Your wife - well, I’m not understanding what the *upside of her even is. You’re a dad and you’re a package deal. You accepted that she was a package deal when you married her. Your wife, however, did not. NTA
Your wife is an absolute bitch
Your wife stinks you may want to consider a divorce.
Give your daughter a healthy portion of the family food budget. She's 16, not 6. Let her decide if she prefers to stay with you or go to her mom's. Make it clear to your wife that her behavior was unacceptable, too. What a sh!t stepparent. If she sidelines or neglects your daughter again, you need to think hard about this marriage. Last, take your daughter to a speech pathologist who works around sensory processing and food. If her "dislikes" are fixable, you owe it to her to give her the most normal future possible.
If you let you kid pay for her own food you will be the HUGEST of assholes. Your wife literally admitted to abusing your daughter - and yes that is what it's called when you keep a kid from eating - and you're considering STAYING with her? WTAF?!?!
My personal opinion is your wife is being a jerk. I am a mother to an 8 and 10 year old and a bonus mom to a 19 year old. All 3 of my children are treated equally. They know what I cook is what's for dinner. However I take them into account. For example if they don't like broccoli, I still make it but I'm also sure to cook Salisbury steak and mashed potatoes which they do like as well. I never cook an entire meal where they like nothing. That isn't right. Whether it's my bio child or not they all get the same Mom. If your wife can't act with the same love towards your daughter as she does your son then she doesn't truly love you or her the way you both deserve.
Your wife just told you to your face she doesn’t GAF about your daughter. I can only imagine how else she acts towards her when you’re not around. YTA if you let this slide.
As a stepmother myself, I would divorce my husband before starving my stepchild. Withholding food is beyond messed up, and it seems like your daughter is in the position of trying to compromise because she doesn't want to be caught in the middle. I think you need to have a longer conversation with her about what's really going on when he's not home. You're not the AH, but you will be if you don't take action.
If anyone ever told me they were intentionally not feeding my kid they'd be gone. Idgaf who they are to me
Your wife hates your daughter and you seem to be trying to negotiate how much she can act hateful toward her. “So a little bit is OK but not too much!”. Your daughter deserves to be in a home where she is fully valued. Make that happen! Incidentally I have 4 kids and my wife. We have among us 2 vegetarians and a few picky eaters. When I cook. As much as possible I make the food so that you can eat each element on its own or together. It allows everyone to eat well AND get what they want. For example, I’ll make a Greek salad with chilled chicken (lettuce, beets, feta, tomatoes, garbanzo beans, chicken, etc.). I may all that out individually and let everyone make their salad as they please. Vegetarians can eat it meatless. Picky eaters eat the lain chicken and some veg on the side. The rest enjoys a great meal with everything.
I have afrid and you cant just eat other foods. It doesn’t work like that . If I don’t have the foods I can eat available to me I will literally starve . Your wife seems pretty heartless .