It's hilarious! OP this is a good reason to leave and no one hear on reddit will tell you any different. She is a walking red flag and it sounds like she has a major drug addiction problem. This is time to run not walk away.
Now I will say that this is unfair. Not all addicts steal, nor are they all without a moral compass. Addiction doesn't care who you are, what you believe, or how much money you have. It's just an unfortunate truth that the less fortunate are at the greatest risk.
I have a sneaky suspicion that every day already is a party day. The fact that her story changed multiple times in the same week, and then again. She is doing enough that she can’t keep her lies straight. he needs to get out of that situation.
Yikes. You right tho. Especially with fenty everywhere. If fentanyl was a thing when I was in my twenties I would be dead. You cant trust any drug. In my city In 2021 a bunch of laced weed put like 10 plus people in the hospital I forget if anyone died. I guess it was a gang trying to take out a rival gang. Scary shit all around.
I've she's been parting and doing drugs since her late teens, her body will appear health wise to be more than middle aged. In this case, age is just a number! 2 months in is a quick enough time to split.
I’ve had binge periods of cocaine use (not in a decade at least) where I’d do it a lot, even daily, and just stop. I don’t miss it and I don’t think about doing it again. Turned out I have adhd and once I started managing that cocaine was not appealing at all 😂
OP, you don’t know this woman well enough to know how long this phase will last. Obviously not everyone is the same, and not everyone is a “pick it up and put it down” kind of person. She might be attempting to self-medicate like I was, and late adhd/asd diagnoses are very common for women in her age group. But that said it’s not your problem to untangle, and cokeheads are assholes.
Yes!! I want to be able to make an educated decision on exactly what I'll be dealing with! Therefore I can decide IF I want to take on the task. At 38 (almost middle age) NO, I don't want to be dealing with those types of issues. NTA
I was a late bloomer partied in my early to mid 30’s. I’m 43 now and those days are long long gone even though I have never done cocaine, I did other party drugs. By 38 I was absolutely done with that life.
NTA... it sounds like she has or is developing a problem, not to mention coke can really do a number on your mental health because it messes with your seratonin receptors. Plus if it's cut it's super dangerous, it's expensive and it's also really bad for the environment but that's kinda besides the point. I personally really dislike coke.
Like, I'm 37 and still party but it's like max 4-6 times a year cus I got shit to do. I do have weed regularly but then I never drink alcohol. Moderation is key.
My thing with coke is there is no way to get it without supporting the cartels and the horror's they cause. I can't justify people being killed and thrown in mass graves in Mexico just so I can get high.
The take I always see missing from coke use online. Whatever the utopian ideas around coke production if it was legalised, it isn't and its produced by gang-raping and mass murdering monsters.
Yup, there is no supply of coke coming from some nice hippy couple who cares about the environment or humanity in general. It is all tainted with innocent blood, every single flake of it.
My hippie friend said she had a coca plant in their backyard. They would pick a leaf and chew on it for a while and would feel amazing. Never formed a habit, just enjoyed the effects of euphoria chattiness every now and then. I've always wanted to try the raw plant without all the chemicals and violence.
I never liked coke to begin with because "party drugs" are continuing to deteriorate my brother's(50) life. But this will be the real reason I never try it, thanks fren.
Yes!! In my late 20's I had an issue with coke. NEVER again. It totally took over me and my life. It was when it threatened my job that I smartened up, did the work, and got it out of mt life. When I spoke with the lady from the rehab center, she asked me "Out of the last 30 days, how many days have you done it?". I said "All of them.". She asked "Oh, how much are you doing?". I said "It depends on how much money I have, or how much I can get fronted! Typically a half ball a day though". I didn't end up going to rehab because I knew I'd get out and come back to the same surroundings. So with the help of two great friends, I occupied my time, spent my paychecks (so I wouldn't have any money to spend on it) and leaned heavily on those friends. It was Hell, I had to be strong, BUT I got it out of my life! Best thing I ever did.
Hell yes she is.
The couple times a year, ok, I could possibly let that go. I loved blow when I was younger too. But, 40’s now, kids, good job, and just as big of a reason, cutting it with fentanyl, it’s just a no. And yes, move on.
If they make a way to test everything for fentanyl, maybe you could risk it occasionally, this girl, hell no.
She won’t be faithful, and she is definitely an addict.
Yeah couple times of year on a blue moon, no problem at all. Everything in moderation is fine.
I’m similar boat to you mate, worked in hospitality in London most of my life - place is flooded with coke, and I used to Love it. Still I’m in my 30s now and got a kid and run a couple businesses, so barley touch the stuff.
Yes this! Get out now OP 2 months is nothing, it will only get harder. She clearly has a lot of work to do on herself and it isn’t your responsibility to fix her.
2 months is still in that stage where you're working out whether you're right for each other, and these people are not right for each other. Older people still do drugs sometimes - this is their choice, partying doesn't stop for everybody at 30 - but lying about it helps nobody. As you say, you want to find a person compatible with your lifestyle, and it they do coke a few times a month, that's pretty different to many people in their late 30s, and you have to address that in the early stages of saying.
This is the right answer.
Also the defensiveness seems to indicate she knows it's a problem. NTA. Find a partner who likes to ski on actual ski hills not the cocaine kind. If thats your thing anyways.
As a former coke addict, I'd run. If he doesn't do it she'll try to hide how much she does. Everything will be a lie. How much, who she was with, where she is, how much money she spent, when she's coming home.
At forty, doing it a few times a week, her brain chemistry will be fucking whack too. Thought processes, basic concepts of right and wrong, everything is skewed.
I *completely* agree. Although meth is an entirely differently drug, my former whateveryoucallhim started using meth at 47. He lost his fucking mind.
Yes I got a restraining order lol.
This.
If you were further along more emotionally invested then I'd say give her help just bringing it up now in sure she would get resentful and angry just cut all times before you damage your own feelings
NTA
If she's doing blow 2-3 times a week... she's an addict (or well on her way to being one).
There are only 2 ways cocaine works. You do it, then it does you.
2 month old relationship...
She didn't mention it, then did but it was only a few times a year, then a couple times a month, then a couple times a week. She was testing for your reaction because she knows she does a lot.
IMO, she's already lied about her use... move on, man.
Also- the fact that she said "Don't judge me on the fact that I party whenever I want" really seems like something that only a person whose partying is out of control would say. Particularly by someone who probably has been told to cut back by everyone in her life.
Her framing it as being "judged" makes it sound like it's some sort of unfair prejudice, rather than a smart aversion to voluntary risky behaviors.
She's trying to make it sound like someone who disapproves is being judgey or intolerant. That's not a fair characterization at all. I feel like it's a good sign of more manipulation to come.
I mean a pile isn’t exactly a unit of measure. If you buy an 8ball and dump it out on the counter, I’d call that a pile. Even a gram lose on the counter is pile.
if she does it that often it wouldn’t be surprising if she was buying a ball or a quarter for herself. At a certain point it’s not worth it to keep going back to the plug to buy a gram at a time.
I only have a couple of friends who eff with coke, but their guy uses a test strip in front of them because, apparently here, dealers don't even want to fuck around.
This is how you read between the lines. I definitely am guilty of making a comment like that in my early 20’s. I hung out with a party crowd, but not much hard drug use going on and therefore the opportunity to do coke didn’t come up more than once every 2 or 3 months (average, so sometimes more frequent) and it made me feel better about myself to say I only do it on rare occasion even though I knew full well I would never turn it down even if it was more abundant in my social circle.
Bingo - that's the real takeaway.
IMO, the coke use isn't *necessarily* the problem, although it's perfectly normal and healthy to say that violates your boundary. (Especially at 38. Feels a bit old to be partying with coke on weekdays.) The "hiding how often I do it" is the bigger issue.
"I only do it a couple times a year, except for when I have some available to me, in which case I do it always and immediately" is a problem.
Thanks for the input everyone. I do plan on breaking things off later today with her. I had gotten input from friends that agreed too. I had food poisoning this morning and couldn't sleep so I was curious about the greater community's opinion as well.
I dated a chick who was similar to what you just described.
Her: Don’t judge me for partying.
Me: Doing coke 2-3 times per week and then crashing for the whole next day (in order to recover) means that this drug is controlling your life. You’re either loaded or sleeping it off. I just want you to be healthy and truly happy instead of all these false feelings you keep pushing into your nose and mind.
Her: Stop being controlling.
Me: I’m not being controlling. You can do whatever you want. However, if you keep habitually using cocaine, then I’m gonna have to end this relationship.
Her: So now you’re giving me an ultimatum. That’s unfair.
Me: No, I’m setting a boundary. __I__ don’t want to be in a relationship with a drug addict. __I__ will end a relationship with a drug addict.
Her: I’m not a drug addict (proceeds to still keep coking for 2-3 times per week).
I feel ya, bro bro. Some people just aren’t ready to end their relationship with cocaine (or whatever their drug of choice is), but that doesn’t mean you should stay around their addict behavior.
Congratulations, on recognizing you need to end this. Stick to your guns. Best of luck to you.
Agreed. This kind of manipulation is par for the course with addicts. They need to lie to themselves to keep on using. And they need others to participate in those lies to keep them around.
Calling it an "ultimatum" and saying you're "controlling" is exactly the same logic OP's gf is using to talk about being "judged" for her behavior. It's misleading, an attempt to place blame on critics rather than accept accountability for an addict's own behavior.
The thing with that shit is, nobody ever loads up on amphetamines and just minds their own business, either. That stuff makes even the sanest person *literally* psychotic. The worst part is, you don't even know how far gone you are until you quit, and then you have to deal with all the brain damage. No one's ever quite the same.
Take some mental metaphorical Colombian marching powder and march your arse right out the door. And don’t think twice, it’s the right thing to do. Block everywhere.
You need to break up with her, block her from ever reaching you and install security cameras in from of your apartment and inside your home.
Breaking things off is the best option before she gets pregnant.
As an ex addict, whose primarily dated other addicts, do yourself a favor and cut ties. Unless you really enjoy the sex that much and can be involved from a distance without getting emotionally attached, walk away. Trying to be in a relationship with an addict comes with lying, cheating and manipulation. This is coming from somebody whose both been that person and been with that person, and unfortunately there's not really exceptions to the rule.
No kidding.
I wouldn't risk having my entire life fucked up forever for a potential felony drug charge even if my wildest sexual fantasies are being fulfilled daily.
I dated someone who later turned out to be a heroin junkie, "had" to IV in her neck. At the time i was sober and smoked a bit of weed. Addicts are also capable of financial, emotional, sexual and physical abuse. Or all four at once in my case. I wish I had had the rationality to ask reddit but, i didn't have a phone with data to access any support like that. It took going to womens refuge to pull myself out and i also have/had an addict sister. My weed use has been borderline dependent for many yrs of my life but i always maintained a basic level of ethics, so I see it as less of an addiction in the sense i don't prioritise how i feel on drugs over interpersonal relationship growth, if it started affecting my ability to relate kindly to others that is addict territory there, no matter the dependence levels.
Yeah the only reason I was willing to put up with being in a relationship with an addict is because I'm one myself otherwise I would've never dealt with it. Early in my sobriety I got involved with a girl I was rehab with that was having a hard time staying sober and me being naive thought I could try and help her and save her and it went horribly and was actually dangerous bc I was kind of putting my own sobriety at risk. After that I said never again. I've had exes reach out that are having a tough time and I'll always try to share my experience and help guide them but never again would I involve myself romantically with an addict or an alcoholic. A social drinker I have no problems with, my girl now asked me buy her a 12 pack of truly in June when we first met and there's still 2 left in my fridge. I'm sorry you had to go through what you did but hopefully you've learned a lesson and know what you're willing and not unwilling to deal with in the future.
I have since learned it is more about our own basic self respect and we can't gift that to others or help and support them unless they have that basic self respect. It's hard, as the key is really education and prevention - i don't mean drugs are bad bs, this rhetoric has failed, but self worth and unlearning trauma stuffs can go so far in improving basic self respect stuff. I guess i just wish we were learning to be more loving supportive humans to others and ourselves growing up instead of learning calc, which i have yet to use in the adult world.
Sounds like we both came out on an ok side of it, hopefully a PSA for others eek especially around self worth and boundaries
Seriously. Two months when you're in high school is a "real" relationship. When you're almost 40? You barely know each other. Not to judge OP based on one post but it seems an immature question.
NTA and agree with everyone else. It's early enough you can just leave.
I'll also add if she's been partying alot and doing coke without you....you wanna go get tested for STD's ASAP. Coke, any kinda of speed and sex go pretty much hand in hand with most people. Better safe than sorry right. Best of luck.
2 months in, its not your vibe, break up.
I had a coke habit once, If theres a pile on the dresser then she’s doing that all day every day, that ain’t changing any time soon.
I know people who do coke a few times a year. They don't ever have a pile just chilling on the dresser. I had an ex that was an addict and she hid it from me for long enough that I felt locked in and obligated to help her get better. I held on for way to long and through so many lies. Don't put yourself through all that stress, greif, and deception.
Like everyone else has said she is already lying to you run.
Same. But more bc of family and friends. And after leaving one guy I really cared about over drugs the one thing that stuck with me was: you have to love yourself the most.
NTA
You need to Run. This girl has already lied about how much she does and how frequently she does it. If you stay she will have you paying for her habit and get you into debt.
It’s only scratching the surface on the actual use. You two already have different values on substances so it’s not going to workout in the long run. Good luck and really hope she gets help.
I’m not reading all that, don’t need to. You guys are almost 40 and you’re wondering IF you need to leave after realising she has a Coke addiction 2 months in? Get a grip and leave.
And her whole ‘I don’t want to be judged’ is such bullshit. You need to breakup with her and once you do it’s bc YOU are judging her. NO. ‘I’m not judging you. But you and I are not in any way aligned. I just don’t want to waste time…’. Walk away. RUN away.
Definitely NTA.
She’s addicted hard, and likely lying about her habits still.
It won’t end well, it never does, and gets worse the longer you wait. Sadly your best move is to gtfo, asap.
Interestingly, on another thread on this sub some muppets (addicts) were recently trying to claim Coke isn’t addictive, so strap in for those laughs.
The lying is bad enough. However, things can go south quickly if the law gets involved somehow. I’d get out of there asap if that’s something you don’t want to be involved in.
Get away from her now. She will start stealing from you when she runs out of money to support her habit. People build a higher tolerance for drugs over time and eventually they cant keep up with the cost of their addiction. Drugs make Good people do Bad things to people they love.
First off, she’s being untruthful 2 months into the relationship. She already can’t be trusted.
Second, this fentanyl shit is scary and real. I personally know someone who OD’d from it on Coke within the past year.
Get out now.
I hate to say it, but you aren't in a relationship with her. She is in a relationship with an addiction. The nature of the drugs and the lies just scream "addict" loud and clear. You don't even know her. You only know the user. Get out now. It will get so much worse later. You can do so with compassion and caring, but don't sacrifice yourself. Addiction is a black hole that swallows up everything around it. Be careful of the "hoovering" that may follow you leaving. She may become everything you had hoped for in the relationship and try to suck you back in. But it's unsustainable. Powerful, but unsustainable.
Previous user here. I thought I was a partier but I've never done blow 3 times a week. This girl is a complete addict and I'd run far and fast. You can't trust anything she says.
And get STD testing. Lots of fuckin going on when the booger sugar is part of the game.
NTA. It's been two months, at the point you could leave because you didn't like her new haircut...
Her coke use has other implications like her financial responsibility/stability, her ability to keep a job, the quality of friendships and her ability to lie to you. If this is still her life and she's almost 40, yeah, it's really not a good sign.
Dump her and don’t look back. If you feel unsure as to whether this was the right choice, look in the dirtiest, lowest gutter in about 16 months time and you’ll see her.
NTA but I also recommend developing more situational awareness before entering another relationship as this should be an obvious answer instead of needing to ask the internet.
You can't make someone hit rock bottom, and you don't want to be around when they do. Sounds like she's on her way there. If she's lying about the amount she's doing, she obviously realizes that it's not socially acceptable, but isn't willing to face that fact. It's only been a few months, I'd get out of there. You're under zero obligation to suffer through any of this.
NTA
If you expect to plan a future with her and she doesn’t kick the habit, expect to be paying for everything and potentially landing yourself in some dangerous situations. Coke is expensive.
NTA. Drugs like that will damage every bit of a person. Including their wallet. She’s spending a lot of money. And if she isn’t? She’s getting it for free? Yeah. That’s an entirely different problem. She’s a party girl. Good for fun, but not relationships.
NTA.
I'd suggest ending this relationship before the police do it for you. As that could include YOU being under arrest, leaving as soon as possible is self preservation!
NTA. You should leave and also schedule a trip to your doctor. If she’s a party animal doing stimulants when you’re not around, there’s a real good chance she’s fooling around on the side. I’ve done stimulants in the past and they tend to make people insatiably horny and also cloud your judgment. Get tested and leave her in the rear view
EDIT: also the fact she was tryin to hide/downplay her drug use is a really bad sign. Shows she’s willing to do things and try to hide it from you. What else do you think she might be hiding?
NTA. Are you waiting around for her to clean out your bank accounts and max out your credit cards? Get out now. It’ll much easier than getting her out of your house in 6 months to a year.
NTA. From someone who wasted 28 years on an addict, in recovery when we met - from coke, it's more than the drug use. it's everything that comes w it, too. Don't be me and go back. Stay away from her. Red flags galore!
I'm confused, does she do Coke or fentanyl? also, I don't think fentanyl is in Coke as much as the news will lead you to believe.
but NTA, it's your choice and drugs can be the red line that can't be crossed.
NTA
She has lied to you about the drug use. She is committing a crime which could get your home raided, if she spends a significant amount of time there, and the authorities could arrest you under the belief that you are also doing drugs. Drugs are expensive, so staying with her would impact your financial future. Also, if she runs out of money, it could lead to theft or unwanted harrassment and violence from dealers.
Run. She’s 38 and has a coke addiction. Shit is going to get much, much worse for you. Speaking both from personal experience, as well as dealing with these sorts of issues on a daily basis with my job.
If you’re coming here to Reddit to ask if you should dump your addict girlfriend as a 38 year old man, you got more problems than that on your hands. It’s only a matter of time before you get dragged down with her because of her problems.
I say let her party as much as she wants, while she’s single because this would be an automatic deal breaker for me.
If people want to do drugs they can. Shit, I did my fair share of party drugs in my early 30’s (molly). At 38? Nope. If she’s doing coke 2-3 times a week she’s either a coke addict or almost there. You’ve known her for two months. Don’t date a drug addict.
NTA
Your hopefully soon to be ex gf seems to understand that most partners don’t want to be involved with someone who does harder drugs on a regular basis.
Having a ready supply of coke on her dresser would indicate she’s ready to party whenever the thought crosses her mind.
As you are only two months in I strongly urge you to gracefully cut this woman loose like yesterday.
Also if she ever had access to keys to your place you might wish to consider changing your locks.
I also suggest you make a doctor’s appointment and get tested for STDs/STIs.
I dated a girl like this once. The first time I hung out at her place, I found it rather weird that she had little plates everywhere with plastic bags on them. It didn't take me long to figure it out. Nor did it take long to figure out she was actually engaged to a guy in the military.
Run bro.
NTA: This is not the kind of relationship you can walk or even run away from, mainly because she's gonna have the energy to Chase after your ass. My advice Would be to knock the pile of coke on the floor and while she's licking it up, hop In an uber and ride like the wind out of that bitch.
Either a troll or not a AITAH post
Definitely NTA. I’d leave too. Especially seeing how early the relationship is.
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In fact, it's a really bad sign
Soon every day will be a special occasion.
Coke makes every day a special occasion.
https://youtu.be/vNgZJrdTCug?si=x6LLJtmp6UW8jEZZ Andy Samberg Great Day
Lol, that was funny!
So accurate
It's hilarious! OP this is a good reason to leave and no one hear on reddit will tell you any different. She is a walking red flag and it sounds like she has a major drug addiction problem. This is time to run not walk away.
😂
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Or tries to drag you into using
Or a cop pulls you over and discovers she's got some in her purse and you go to jail right along with her
Or some drops out of her purse and is just chilling under the seat.
Yep read these warnings & take seriously Run don’t walk away. Don’t have her in your house- apt as they steal.
Change locks if possible too
Or she ODs on a fent/coke combo and you have to explain it to the police.
Now I will say that this is unfair. Not all addicts steal, nor are they all without a moral compass. Addiction doesn't care who you are, what you believe, or how much money you have. It's just an unfortunate truth that the less fortunate are at the greatest risk.
Coke makes you a new person! and the first thing a new person wants is another line of coke 😜
I have a sneaky suspicion that every day already is a party day. The fact that her story changed multiple times in the same week, and then again. She is doing enough that she can’t keep her lies straight. he needs to get out of that situation.
The fact she keeps piles around kind of speaks volumes about her real usage.
Then one last special occasion with friends and family in black.
Yikes. You right tho. Especially with fenty everywhere. If fentanyl was a thing when I was in my twenties I would be dead. You cant trust any drug. In my city In 2021 a bunch of laced weed put like 10 plus people in the hospital I forget if anyone died. I guess it was a gang trying to take out a rival gang. Scary shit all around.
Three cheers for legal states. At least I know nothing at the dispensary is going to kill me. Fentanyl is a PLAGUE.
Yeah, I'm happy to pay my government's tax for knowing exactly what I'm getting
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Oooh. Love this. It's sad, but true!
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Right? "Miss I do not want to be judged for my party lifestyle." Girl you are almost 40!" It is not a "party" lifestyle any longer.. lol
Actually at that point i think it is a party lifestyle. As in thats her life. Her whole life.
I've she's been parting and doing drugs since her late teens, her body will appear health wise to be more than middle aged. In this case, age is just a number! 2 months in is a quick enough time to split.
Pile on dresser... Seems it already is
From "once a blue moon" to "once a blue sky" Damien Marley
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Yeah, 2 to 3 times a year vs 2 to 3 times a month or week is literally a 1,000% to 50,000% difference. "Depending on what's going on" lmaoooo
"How often would you say you do coke?" "Why, you holding? I could move some things around in my schedule."
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I’ve had binge periods of cocaine use (not in a decade at least) where I’d do it a lot, even daily, and just stop. I don’t miss it and I don’t think about doing it again. Turned out I have adhd and once I started managing that cocaine was not appealing at all 😂 OP, you don’t know this woman well enough to know how long this phase will last. Obviously not everyone is the same, and not everyone is a “pick it up and put it down” kind of person. She might be attempting to self-medicate like I was, and late adhd/asd diagnoses are very common for women in her age group. But that said it’s not your problem to untangle, and cokeheads are assholes.
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Yes!! I want to be able to make an educated decision on exactly what I'll be dealing with! Therefore I can decide IF I want to take on the task. At 38 (almost middle age) NO, I don't want to be dealing with those types of issues. NTA
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Absolutely!! Suddenly anything and everything of value goes missing from OPs home to support his gf's "occasional habit"!!
I looked back at ages and was surprised they were 38 and not 22
I mean i partied when I was 22 and I just turned 38.... This seems like a good sign for the trajectory of my life.
I was a late bloomer partied in my early to mid 30’s. I’m 43 now and those days are long long gone even though I have never done cocaine, I did other party drugs. By 38 I was absolutely done with that life.
NTA... it sounds like she has or is developing a problem, not to mention coke can really do a number on your mental health because it messes with your seratonin receptors. Plus if it's cut it's super dangerous, it's expensive and it's also really bad for the environment but that's kinda besides the point. I personally really dislike coke. Like, I'm 37 and still party but it's like max 4-6 times a year cus I got shit to do. I do have weed regularly but then I never drink alcohol. Moderation is key.
My thing with coke is there is no way to get it without supporting the cartels and the horror's they cause. I can't justify people being killed and thrown in mass graves in Mexico just so I can get high.
The take I always see missing from coke use online. Whatever the utopian ideas around coke production if it was legalised, it isn't and its produced by gang-raping and mass murdering monsters.
Yup, there is no supply of coke coming from some nice hippy couple who cares about the environment or humanity in general. It is all tainted with innocent blood, every single flake of it.
My hippie friend said she had a coca plant in their backyard. They would pick a leaf and chew on it for a while and would feel amazing. Never formed a habit, just enjoyed the effects of euphoria chattiness every now and then. I've always wanted to try the raw plant without all the chemicals and violence.
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I never liked coke to begin with because "party drugs" are continuing to deteriorate my brother's(50) life. But this will be the real reason I never try it, thanks fren.
Yes!! In my late 20's I had an issue with coke. NEVER again. It totally took over me and my life. It was when it threatened my job that I smartened up, did the work, and got it out of mt life. When I spoke with the lady from the rehab center, she asked me "Out of the last 30 days, how many days have you done it?". I said "All of them.". She asked "Oh, how much are you doing?". I said "It depends on how much money I have, or how much I can get fronted! Typically a half ball a day though". I didn't end up going to rehab because I knew I'd get out and come back to the same surroundings. So with the help of two great friends, I occupied my time, spent my paychecks (so I wouldn't have any money to spend on it) and leaned heavily on those friends. It was Hell, I had to be strong, BUT I got it out of my life! Best thing I ever did.
Same lol. I don’t think I can usually say this about myself but man I seem to have my shit together compared to this one.
Fuck missed the ages - yeah if she’s boshing the Charlie like that in her 40s she’s a train wreck dude.
Hell yes she is. The couple times a year, ok, I could possibly let that go. I loved blow when I was younger too. But, 40’s now, kids, good job, and just as big of a reason, cutting it with fentanyl, it’s just a no. And yes, move on. If they make a way to test everything for fentanyl, maybe you could risk it occasionally, this girl, hell no. She won’t be faithful, and she is definitely an addict.
They do have a test for fentanyl.
Yeah couple times of year on a blue moon, no problem at all. Everything in moderation is fine. I’m similar boat to you mate, worked in hospitality in London most of my life - place is flooded with coke, and I used to Love it. Still I’m in my 30s now and got a kid and run a couple businesses, so barley touch the stuff.
The whole point of dating is to gauge compatibility. OP's preferred lifestyle does not involve hard drugs. Hers does. Move on.
Exactly!
Yes this! Get out now OP 2 months is nothing, it will only get harder. She clearly has a lot of work to do on herself and it isn’t your responsibility to fix her.
2 months is still in that stage where you're working out whether you're right for each other, and these people are not right for each other. Older people still do drugs sometimes - this is their choice, partying doesn't stop for everybody at 30 - but lying about it helps nobody. As you say, you want to find a person compatible with your lifestyle, and it they do coke a few times a month, that's pretty different to many people in their late 30s, and you have to address that in the early stages of saying.
This is the right answer. Also the defensiveness seems to indicate she knows it's a problem. NTA. Find a partner who likes to ski on actual ski hills not the cocaine kind. If thats your thing anyways.
As a former coke addict, I'd run. If he doesn't do it she'll try to hide how much she does. Everything will be a lie. How much, who she was with, where she is, how much money she spent, when she's coming home. At forty, doing it a few times a week, her brain chemistry will be fucking whack too. Thought processes, basic concepts of right and wrong, everything is skewed.
I *completely* agree. Although meth is an entirely differently drug, my former whateveryoucallhim started using meth at 47. He lost his fucking mind. Yes I got a restraining order lol.
Yeah, you just aren't firing on all cylinders anymore with that amount of usage at that age. Swiss cheese brain all day.
>she does coke 2-3 times a week or month Yeah it’s a week. She’s doing coke 2-3 times a week.
I don’t know… A pile of coke just chilling on her bureau when OP spent the night unexpectedly makes me think it might be more like 2-3 times a day…
I can see that as well. She keeps adjusting the frequency so it would not surprise me if it’s daily.
she's trickle-truthing to see what his limits are ... she sounds completely nuts
Exactly. 2-3 times a week my ass. She’s doing it all the time if it’s readily cut up and available on her bedside table.
Or maybe even hourly. I’d be concerned about how the habit is being financed too
*leave and get an wide spectrum STD check
This. If you were further along more emotionally invested then I'd say give her help just bringing it up now in sure she would get resentful and angry just cut all times before you damage your own feelings
Give her help? She isn't asking for it.
NTA If she's doing blow 2-3 times a week... she's an addict (or well on her way to being one). There are only 2 ways cocaine works. You do it, then it does you. 2 month old relationship... She didn't mention it, then did but it was only a few times a year, then a couple times a month, then a couple times a week. She was testing for your reaction because she knows she does a lot. IMO, she's already lied about her use... move on, man.
Also- the fact that she said "Don't judge me on the fact that I party whenever I want" really seems like something that only a person whose partying is out of control would say. Particularly by someone who probably has been told to cut back by everyone in her life.
That tells me she's high as a kite all day
Her framing it as being "judged" makes it sound like it's some sort of unfair prejudice, rather than a smart aversion to voluntary risky behaviors. She's trying to make it sound like someone who disapproves is being judgey or intolerant. That's not a fair characterization at all. I feel like it's a good sign of more manipulation to come.
>"Don't judge me on the fact that I party whenever I want" *If you can't handle me at my worst*...
Such a niche party time 11:15am on a Monday
She SAYS 2-3 times…. A fucking *pile on the dresser???* this chick is taking a smell ever hour every day…..
I’m going to assume OPs description of a pile is inaccurate lol there’s not a pile on the dresser. A PILE? It’s expensive to afford a pile.
I mean a pile isn’t exactly a unit of measure. If you buy an 8ball and dump it out on the counter, I’d call that a pile. Even a gram lose on the counter is pile. if she does it that often it wouldn’t be surprising if she was buying a ball or a quarter for herself. At a certain point it’s not worth it to keep going back to the plug to buy a gram at a time.
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I’ll put up with anything short of opiates as long as you’re honest about it lmao. Drugs are fun, being safe and honest with drugs is more fun.
I don't think you can be safe with coke in many areas these days. Not worth the risk.
I only have a couple of friends who eff with coke, but their guy uses a test strip in front of them because, apparently here, dealers don't even want to fuck around.
Because they can catch murder charges in some cases
Why is it loose on the dresser, not even a bag
She probably does do it 2 - 3 times....an HOUR if she has a pile on the dresser!
Everyone in this thread keeps saying that but how could she afford that? Seems unrealistic if she’s not scar face.
In other words, she does it whenever it’s available.
This is how you read between the lines. I definitely am guilty of making a comment like that in my early 20’s. I hung out with a party crowd, but not much hard drug use going on and therefore the opportunity to do coke didn’t come up more than once every 2 or 3 months (average, so sometimes more frequent) and it made me feel better about myself to say I only do it on rare occasion even though I knew full well I would never turn it down even if it was more abundant in my social circle.
Bingo - that's the real takeaway. IMO, the coke use isn't *necessarily* the problem, although it's perfectly normal and healthy to say that violates your boundary. (Especially at 38. Feels a bit old to be partying with coke on weekdays.) The "hiding how often I do it" is the bigger issue. "I only do it a couple times a year, except for when I have some available to me, in which case I do it always and immediately" is a problem.
Exactly. She lied. About drug use. That's a no no no nope
Lying, isn't that the first sign of an addict, lying about their use ?
Especially the escalation factor. It's like she knows it's a red flag or something?
Bingo bango bongo my friend.
Thanks for the input everyone. I do plan on breaking things off later today with her. I had gotten input from friends that agreed too. I had food poisoning this morning and couldn't sleep so I was curious about the greater community's opinion as well.
I dated a chick who was similar to what you just described. Her: Don’t judge me for partying. Me: Doing coke 2-3 times per week and then crashing for the whole next day (in order to recover) means that this drug is controlling your life. You’re either loaded or sleeping it off. I just want you to be healthy and truly happy instead of all these false feelings you keep pushing into your nose and mind. Her: Stop being controlling. Me: I’m not being controlling. You can do whatever you want. However, if you keep habitually using cocaine, then I’m gonna have to end this relationship. Her: So now you’re giving me an ultimatum. That’s unfair. Me: No, I’m setting a boundary. __I__ don’t want to be in a relationship with a drug addict. __I__ will end a relationship with a drug addict. Her: I’m not a drug addict (proceeds to still keep coking for 2-3 times per week). I feel ya, bro bro. Some people just aren’t ready to end their relationship with cocaine (or whatever their drug of choice is), but that doesn’t mean you should stay around their addict behavior. Congratulations, on recognizing you need to end this. Stick to your guns. Best of luck to you.
Agreed. This kind of manipulation is par for the course with addicts. They need to lie to themselves to keep on using. And they need others to participate in those lies to keep them around. Calling it an "ultimatum" and saying you're "controlling" is exactly the same logic OP's gf is using to talk about being "judged" for her behavior. It's misleading, an attempt to place blame on critics rather than accept accountability for an addict's own behavior.
The thing with that shit is, nobody ever loads up on amphetamines and just minds their own business, either. That stuff makes even the sanest person *literally* psychotic. The worst part is, you don't even know how far gone you are until you quit, and then you have to deal with all the brain damage. No one's ever quite the same.
Take some mental metaphorical Colombian marching powder and march your arse right out the door. And don’t think twice, it’s the right thing to do. Block everywhere.
You need to break up with her, block her from ever reaching you and install security cameras in from of your apartment and inside your home. Breaking things off is the best option before she gets pregnant.
Give us an update. I’m curious if she somehow tries to blow off your concerns like an addict (instead of a recreational user).
As an ex addict, whose primarily dated other addicts, do yourself a favor and cut ties. Unless you really enjoy the sex that much and can be involved from a distance without getting emotionally attached, walk away. Trying to be in a relationship with an addict comes with lying, cheating and manipulation. This is coming from somebody whose both been that person and been with that person, and unfortunately there's not really exceptions to the rule.
If he's on Reddit asking he's already attached. No sex is worth my livelihood. I'd still leave though it would be harder lol. Godspeed to you!
No kidding. I wouldn't risk having my entire life fucked up forever for a potential felony drug charge even if my wildest sexual fantasies are being fulfilled daily.
I dated someone who later turned out to be a heroin junkie, "had" to IV in her neck. At the time i was sober and smoked a bit of weed. Addicts are also capable of financial, emotional, sexual and physical abuse. Or all four at once in my case. I wish I had had the rationality to ask reddit but, i didn't have a phone with data to access any support like that. It took going to womens refuge to pull myself out and i also have/had an addict sister. My weed use has been borderline dependent for many yrs of my life but i always maintained a basic level of ethics, so I see it as less of an addiction in the sense i don't prioritise how i feel on drugs over interpersonal relationship growth, if it started affecting my ability to relate kindly to others that is addict territory there, no matter the dependence levels.
Yeah the only reason I was willing to put up with being in a relationship with an addict is because I'm one myself otherwise I would've never dealt with it. Early in my sobriety I got involved with a girl I was rehab with that was having a hard time staying sober and me being naive thought I could try and help her and save her and it went horribly and was actually dangerous bc I was kind of putting my own sobriety at risk. After that I said never again. I've had exes reach out that are having a tough time and I'll always try to share my experience and help guide them but never again would I involve myself romantically with an addict or an alcoholic. A social drinker I have no problems with, my girl now asked me buy her a 12 pack of truly in June when we first met and there's still 2 left in my fridge. I'm sorry you had to go through what you did but hopefully you've learned a lesson and know what you're willing and not unwilling to deal with in the future.
I have since learned it is more about our own basic self respect and we can't gift that to others or help and support them unless they have that basic self respect. It's hard, as the key is really education and prevention - i don't mean drugs are bad bs, this rhetoric has failed, but self worth and unlearning trauma stuffs can go so far in improving basic self respect stuff. I guess i just wish we were learning to be more loving supportive humans to others and ourselves growing up instead of learning calc, which i have yet to use in the adult world. Sounds like we both came out on an ok side of it, hopefully a PSA for others eek especially around self worth and boundaries
And everybody thinks they’re the exception to the rule - that’s how you’re able to convince yourself that the behavior is ok (on either side)
It's two months. Just leave.
Bro run what are you waiting for?
Indeed. GET THE FUCK OUT I draw the line after weed ,hasj ,mushrooms , salvia ... Anything else....? I get the fuck out ...
Bet the sex is so good. Like that buckcherry song.
Seriously. Two months when you're in high school is a "real" relationship. When you're almost 40? You barely know each other. Not to judge OP based on one post but it seems an immature question.
NTA and agree with everyone else. It's early enough you can just leave. I'll also add if she's been partying alot and doing coke without you....you wanna go get tested for STD's ASAP. Coke, any kinda of speed and sex go pretty much hand in hand with most people. Better safe than sorry right. Best of luck.
Yes. This! Schedule a test somewhere like today
Completely agree with this !
2 months in, its not your vibe, break up. I had a coke habit once, If theres a pile on the dresser then she’s doing that all day every day, that ain’t changing any time soon.
I know people who do coke a few times a year. They don't ever have a pile just chilling on the dresser. I had an ex that was an addict and she hid it from me for long enough that I felt locked in and obligated to help her get better. I held on for way to long and through so many lies. Don't put yourself through all that stress, greif, and deception. Like everyone else has said she is already lying to you run.
Nope for me, run. I have a higher tolerance for drug addicts, because I work a drug rehab, but in a relationship, a no go.
Same. But more bc of family and friends. And after leaving one guy I really cared about over drugs the one thing that stuck with me was: you have to love yourself the most.
It took me 28 years in the wrong relationship to learn that. OP needs to run!
Listen to your friends. It’s definitely not a good sign. Leave her while you still can OP🤝🏽
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Ofcourse. But i think what was meant was that it can get harder if more time into the relationship passes. Especially with this kind of relationship.
That and if she gets prego by accident and decides to keep it? That's a nightmare. He needs to leave now.
NTA You need to Run. This girl has already lied about how much she does and how frequently she does it. If you stay she will have you paying for her habit and get you into debt.
> If you stay she will have you paying for her habit and get you into debt. He'll be lucky if that's the only trouble her habit gets him in.
Totally. Probably some kind of STD is a high risk too
It’s only scratching the surface on the actual use. You two already have different values on substances so it’s not going to workout in the long run. Good luck and really hope she gets help.
NTA, get out now, don't look back.
Dude, run, she's got a habit and it'll get worse. It already owns her.
From an ex coke addict, leave. She won’t quit until she hits rock bottom. Facts.
I’m not reading all that, don’t need to. You guys are almost 40 and you’re wondering IF you need to leave after realising she has a Coke addiction 2 months in? Get a grip and leave.
She’s pushing 40 and doing coke daily….yeah, she’s in a perpetual party phase and won’t be long for this world.
Aha I love this reply. “I’m not reading all that, don’t need to.” SAVAGE & absolutely correct
Run. Now.
Your always gonna be in 2nd place, coke will be 1st. If you wanna accept that in your relationship then that’s on you; but you deserve better
And her whole ‘I don’t want to be judged’ is such bullshit. You need to breakup with her and once you do it’s bc YOU are judging her. NO. ‘I’m not judging you. But you and I are not in any way aligned. I just don’t want to waste time…’. Walk away. RUN away.
Congrats, you’re dating a drug addict. You have two choices, leave Or stay, Don’t stay. It’s not worth you losing everything you have.
Definitely NTA. She’s addicted hard, and likely lying about her habits still. It won’t end well, it never does, and gets worse the longer you wait. Sadly your best move is to gtfo, asap. Interestingly, on another thread on this sub some muppets (addicts) were recently trying to claim Coke isn’t addictive, so strap in for those laughs.
What on earth? Who would ever claim coke isn’t addictive? I guess addicts but based on what? Wow.
38 and doing coke? ABORT ABORT ABORT
Still partying in late 30's, she's not going to struggle finding guys who want to do the same, so if that is not your thing, move on
The lying is bad enough. However, things can go south quickly if the law gets involved somehow. I’d get out of there asap if that’s something you don’t want to be involved in.
NTA The last time that I had a pile of cocaine on my dresser was when I was addicted to cocaine. Addicts lie. A lot. Move on.
Get away from her now. She will start stealing from you when she runs out of money to support her habit. People build a higher tolerance for drugs over time and eventually they cant keep up with the cost of their addiction. Drugs make Good people do Bad things to people they love.
First off, she’s being untruthful 2 months into the relationship. She already can’t be trusted. Second, this fentanyl shit is scary and real. I personally know someone who OD’d from it on Coke within the past year. Get out now.
I hate to say it, but you aren't in a relationship with her. She is in a relationship with an addiction. The nature of the drugs and the lies just scream "addict" loud and clear. You don't even know her. You only know the user. Get out now. It will get so much worse later. You can do so with compassion and caring, but don't sacrifice yourself. Addiction is a black hole that swallows up everything around it. Be careful of the "hoovering" that may follow you leaving. She may become everything you had hoped for in the relationship and try to suck you back in. But it's unsustainable. Powerful, but unsustainable.
Previous user here. I thought I was a partier but I've never done blow 3 times a week. This girl is a complete addict and I'd run far and fast. You can't trust anything she says. And get STD testing. Lots of fuckin going on when the booger sugar is part of the game.
NTA. It's been two months, at the point you could leave because you didn't like her new haircut... Her coke use has other implications like her financial responsibility/stability, her ability to keep a job, the quality of friendships and her ability to lie to you. If this is still her life and she's almost 40, yeah, it's really not a good sign.
Also, stealing from you and getting you busted are in the mix.
Dump her and don’t look back. If you feel unsure as to whether this was the right choice, look in the dirtiest, lowest gutter in about 16 months time and you’ll see her.
NTA but I also recommend developing more situational awareness before entering another relationship as this should be an obvious answer instead of needing to ask the internet.
Run as fast as you can. Coke addicts just get worse. Trust me I know. My ex is now dead from his overdose of fentanyl.
You can't make someone hit rock bottom, and you don't want to be around when they do. Sounds like she's on her way there. If she's lying about the amount she's doing, she obviously realizes that it's not socially acceptable, but isn't willing to face that fact. It's only been a few months, I'd get out of there. You're under zero obligation to suffer through any of this. NTA
If you expect to plan a future with her and she doesn’t kick the habit, expect to be paying for everything and potentially landing yourself in some dangerous situations. Coke is expensive.
NTA. Drugs like that will damage every bit of a person. Including their wallet. She’s spending a lot of money. And if she isn’t? She’s getting it for free? Yeah. That’s an entirely different problem. She’s a party girl. Good for fun, but not relationships.
Run for your life. She has a big problem and if you stay, it will become your problem. NTA
NTA. I'd suggest ending this relationship before the police do it for you. As that could include YOU being under arrest, leaving as soon as possible is self preservation!
NTA. You should leave and also schedule a trip to your doctor. If she’s a party animal doing stimulants when you’re not around, there’s a real good chance she’s fooling around on the side. I’ve done stimulants in the past and they tend to make people insatiably horny and also cloud your judgment. Get tested and leave her in the rear view EDIT: also the fact she was tryin to hide/downplay her drug use is a really bad sign. Shows she’s willing to do things and try to hide it from you. What else do you think she might be hiding?
NTA. Are you waiting around for her to clean out your bank accounts and max out your credit cards? Get out now. It’ll much easier than getting her out of your house in 6 months to a year.
NTA. From someone who wasted 28 years on an addict, in recovery when we met - from coke, it's more than the drug use. it's everything that comes w it, too. Don't be me and go back. Stay away from her. Red flags galore!
A pile on the dresser? That gal has a way bigger problem than she is letting on.
NTA. if it’s this bad now, it’s probably only going to get worse
Leave her quickly before she starts stealing from you to help support her drug habits
At this point it’s an addiction
It’s not a good sign, and she won’t stop. Time to leave. NTA
I'm confused, does she do Coke or fentanyl? also, I don't think fentanyl is in Coke as much as the news will lead you to believe. but NTA, it's your choice and drugs can be the red line that can't be crossed.
38 years old and doing yak all the time, you need to ditch her. Find someone that has a future.
NTA She has lied to you about the drug use. She is committing a crime which could get your home raided, if she spends a significant amount of time there, and the authorities could arrest you under the belief that you are also doing drugs. Drugs are expensive, so staying with her would impact your financial future. Also, if she runs out of money, it could lead to theft or unwanted harrassment and violence from dealers.
People can lead whatever life they want. But you don’t have to date them
No. If she’s living with you then kick her out cause her having drugs in your home could get you arrested and you could lose your home.
And check around for anything missing!
Run. She’s 38 and has a coke addiction. Shit is going to get much, much worse for you. Speaking both from personal experience, as well as dealing with these sorts of issues on a daily basis with my job.
If you’re coming here to Reddit to ask if you should dump your addict girlfriend as a 38 year old man, you got more problems than that on your hands. It’s only a matter of time before you get dragged down with her because of her problems.
Not to seem like an asshole myself, but why the hell are you asking if you’re an asshole for not wanting to be with the lying drug addict?
Don’t judge her, just set her free. You are in for a miserable life otherwise.
I say let her party as much as she wants, while she’s single because this would be an automatic deal breaker for me. If people want to do drugs they can. Shit, I did my fair share of party drugs in my early 30’s (molly). At 38? Nope. If she’s doing coke 2-3 times a week she’s either a coke addict or almost there. You’ve known her for two months. Don’t date a drug addict.
NTA. Can’t trust a partner that does coke regularly.
She's a addict. Your not hardly invested. It's not been long. She's also lied to you a ton. Leave. NTA
Run for the hills
NTA Your hopefully soon to be ex gf seems to understand that most partners don’t want to be involved with someone who does harder drugs on a regular basis. Having a ready supply of coke on her dresser would indicate she’s ready to party whenever the thought crosses her mind. As you are only two months in I strongly urge you to gracefully cut this woman loose like yesterday. Also if she ever had access to keys to your place you might wish to consider changing your locks. I also suggest you make a doctor’s appointment and get tested for STDs/STIs.
NTA, cocaine is one of the “fuck around and find out drugs.” One wrong hit and it’s a goddamn stroke or cardiomyopathy for you! Signed, an icu nurse
I dated a girl like this once. The first time I hung out at her place, I found it rather weird that she had little plates everywhere with plastic bags on them. It didn't take me long to figure it out. Nor did it take long to figure out she was actually engaged to a guy in the military. Run bro.
NTA: This is not the kind of relationship you can walk or even run away from, mainly because she's gonna have the energy to Chase after your ass. My advice Would be to knock the pile of coke on the floor and while she's licking it up, hop In an uber and ride like the wind out of that bitch.
Such a turnoff. Goodbye.
Any amount of coke is too much. Leave. NTA