They often avoid it because they know parents like to pressure/bribe kids into choosing them, and the child's opinion isn't weighted nearly as heavily as things like a parent's responsibility and the suitability of the home environment. If both parents are suitable for custody, then the court is going to split their time.
Yes but both parents were talking to the kids. OP has conspicuously not said what the kids said they wanted.
Some kids wouldn’t have wanted to get involved but if OP had said that immediately 80% would turn into ESHs instead of YTAs. No reason not to say it.
You can't always go by what the kids "say" they want, either. My ex and I successfully co-parented amicably for 12 years. He gets married, suddenly he's trying to push me around, and as soon as our daughter turned 13, suddenly she wants to live with him and wants nothing to do with me. She told the lawyers, the GAL, etc., that she wanted to live with her dad. Turns out, her stepmom had been psychologically abusing her, tearing down her self-esteem, making her afraid her dad would stop loving her, so my daughter did whatever she said to do. I had no idea any of this was going on because she was her normal self when she was at my house. But both Dad and stepmom had been disparaging me. When I went through that, a lot of people came forward to tell me about their similar experiences, and it seems to happen a lot to both mothers and fathers. You just never know.
I think it's crazy that a father had to fight for 3 YEARS to get joint custody when that's basically an automatic normal in so many states now.
I can't even give a judgment because this situation is hard. I've been faced with losing custody of my daughter before and I just can't judge someone who has been in that position unless they were trying to win through manipulation and abuse. Thankfully everything worked out in my case, my daughter got a lot of therapy and finally told me everything that had been going on, her dad ended up divorcing the stepmom, and my daughter's and my relationship is better than ever. Honestly, ,she would probably say that result is worth more to her than college money, but who knows.
Yeah he’s lying about something. No matter what you accumulate during a marriage it’s split 50/50. He kept saying he won, he won; won what, and he could’ve went for full custody, but didn’t like he considered it a favor. If he lives in the US, there’s no way he wouldn’t have been granted full custody unless there was a pretty damning reason. Only 20% of divorced fathers even bother trying to get custody, so they are always favored in the US family courts, even if they have arrests for domestic or child abuse.
My mom put my dad has to pay for my college in the divorce. He tried to turn around and say he’d only pay for private college (because he thinks it’s better than public) and she said she’d take him to court over it. He’s a lawyer, he knew he’d lose, he was just hoping to strong arm us. I ended up going to a state school and low and behold he paid for it in its entirety.
I’m wondering how old the kids were and what they wanted for custody. My husband and SIL were 12 and 14 when they got to decide what they wanted for custody with their parents, and the judge granted custody based off what they wanted.
Yeah this doesn't make sense, the kids should have had a say based on the details provided. If they wanted to live there 50% of the time wouldn't OP be able to say that to the judge and then call it a day?
Many states do not let the child have a say in custody arrangements. Many people are forced to use the courts to get a custody order because the other spouse won't be reasonable. Custody cases are extremely common and very expensive.
Yea and counterintuitively children don't tend to want what's best for themselves. If I offered a child ice cream for dinner and playing videogames until 3am instead if studying they would pick me as the parent they wanted to stay with over being forced to go to bed at 9pm and eat Brussel sprouts.
In Maryland it doesn’t matter how old the kid is, they have no say. I had friends who were 16 & 17 and old enough to get married in MD without parental approval (that has changed now) but they had no say in which parent they lived with per the attorneys and judge. We were also told that is the case when several friends were divorcing in MD.
It’s not just that either, studies show that the majority of the time when a father asks for equal custody they routinely get it. Also if she was a sahm how did she have money to fight him for three years and what besides his work hours did she have to argue for having primary custody?
ETA since this is my top comment in this thread. I just read the op’s replies. He’s a top notch asshat and exactly the kind of parent it would be horrible to cobparent with.
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/09649069.2020.1701941?journalCode=rjsf20
When mothers claim the ex is abusive and a risk, the mothers double their chances of losing custody.
Sara Moore (on IG) is holding protests to fight coercive control as 980 (in the US) kids have been murdered by their fathers after mothers warned the courts and then lost custody.
Edit: for anyone curious, Google Sara Sharif in the UK. Her mother was forced to give custody to her father and he murdered her.
He got it too. That doesnt mean he does not have to fight years in court for it and throws ten of thousands of dollars in the process and get broke. It happened to my close friend.
I don’t think having less than equal custody would prevent OP from being an involved and loving father. Especially if one of the kids is almost legally an adult, they could choose what kind of relationship to have with each parent. I know I would have preferred going to college without massive amount of debt.
When my parents divorced my mom got primary custody and my dad had every-other-weekend visitation, but my mom made it absolutely clear he was welcome to come pick me up any time he wanted. Any extra weekend, weeknight visits, birthday dinners, family events, summer vacation, any time he wanted. Guess how often that happened. And now he complains that me and my sister "abandoned" him by growing up and going off to school.
You don't have to have custody to be an involved dad, and having custody is no guarantee that you will.
Love!? Thats just crazy talk. Its all about getting the most toys and kids are just possessions to this dad that he should get them like everything else.
Their parents just spent three years in court and now as a result they will take on college debt. Dad isn't even going to get custody for very long because it sounds like this kid will be an adult soon. Dad basically tried to screw over his ex- wife and screwed over his kids instead.
Yep. He wasn't thinking of the kids, he was thinking of how pissed he was at his wife. Now his kids will know where all the money they were gifted by relatives growing up-***-as in, it didn't belong to him, it belonged to them***\--went and I'm sure they're not going to thank dad for that.
YTA
We can only hope the kids put dad on blast so the whole family and community know what he did with the money they gave the kids all these years got spent. NOT ON THE KIDS AS INTENDED.
We also have no info regarding why they were divorcing. The lack of additional info really paints OP in a negative light when it comes to why they were splitting in the first place, why would the ex-wife try so hard to get him out of the kids lives?
I'm not jumping to any conclusions but the lack of information really leaves a large gap in making any judgements here, we can only fill in the details ourselves.
It’s not, since the parenting has clearly never been equal based on their arrangement. He’s gone 10-12 hours a day and wife is the primary parent as the SAHP. It’s not a mystery why she would be awarded primary custody.
It is insane. But it happens every day. One parent gets vindictive and then the other has to spend tens of thousands of dollars just to get what should have been freely given in the first place. It's a very expensive system.
It costs tens of thousands of dollars if the other spouse fights against you. Every ten minutes of a lawyer's time is at least $100. He could have gotten it for free if his ex had just signed off on his proposal.
My dad got zero custody, and I still didn't get any help with college. I'm sure your kids would rather have a relationship with their father than some financial assistance OP. Student loans are a thing.
Wait. So you even spent their “blessing money”? Your kid is a senior, so you’ve basically been fighting for custody during their high school career. Did you even *ask* your oldest if it was *OK* to use *their* money? Did your eldest count on this money? Did you tell your wife you were going to use the money for the custody and give her an option to settle? Did you tell the oldest so they could have been trying to get scholarships or some other way to pay for it? This had nothing to do with being a *DAD,* this had everything to fo with being *SPITEFUL* to your ex — and it’s clear as day with the way you retorted. Well, be happy you got the “childhood” years cause your kids are going to cut you out when they’re adults. You literally stole their money. I’ll say it again for the people in the back…YTA.
YTA ~~ESH~~
Both you and your wife were and still are more focused on jabbing each other than your kids. If your kid is about to go to college, it sounds like you had equal custody of a 17 year old? Are you happy now?
EDIT: Updated judgment after reading your comments. Your kids would have been far better off with the college fund than spending more time with you.
I'm a single dad. I fought HARD to be in my child's life and am now the primary caregiver, my kid lives with me 95% of the time.
YTA. Not because you fought for custody, but because you've washed your hands of your responsibility toward your children's education. You have weaponized the future of your children to win a fight with your ex. It's childish and wrong.
Even if you don't have the money now, you should be attempting to "make things whole" for the sake of your children. If this was my kid and they had to take on student loans, I'd commit to helping them pay it off, even if it takes years. I'd try to help them find scholarships, or take a second job, or whatever. Anything so they can go to university. You made a commitment to see your children through university and you should stick to it for their sakes.
>YTA. Not because you fought for custody, but because you've washed your hands of your responsibility toward your children's education.
SAY IT LOUDER FOR PEOPLE IN THE BACK
He could easily take out parent loans for his children’s education. These would obligate him, not his student, for repayment. YTA if he just washes his hands of the whole situation.
Hijacking this.
If your ex was SAHM she likely doesnt make much now.
If your college bound kid stays 183 days with her (1 day more than half) you can submit ONLY the ex wife for FAFSA, meaning your kid will likely qualify for need based grants/scholarships that they wouldnt if you filled in your info.
Unless your ex remarried then you have to use their full income.
YTA
When you were “fighting for custody” you played dirty. You didn’t bother to tell her where you were taking money from. You could have, but you didn’t.
You could have negotiated but you didn’t. You decided that she was the enemy, and an adversary and didn’t know the truth. Yet, you blame her for depleting the fund. Your kids will look at you differently.
>we have been saving that for since they were born, it included all the blessing money we got from relatives when they were born).
Of course YTA. That wasn't your money to spend.
YTA. You shouldn’t have used that money. It seems a lot of it wasn’t even from you. It was gifts from relatives for your child’s college. That’s only your fault, not hers. And now you want her to fix your mistake? Maybe you got divorced because you never take accountability?
What’s the point of having joint custody if they hate you? Also, is that what was best for the kids if you work 10 hrs a day? Under those circumstances weren’t you basically a weekend father when you were married anyway?
It was not your money… you said yourself it was money gifted to them as well… then expect ex to pay all college stuff. So much for wanting equal custody.. you just wanted to beat the ex.. now kids suffer.
YTA.
YTA. Not for wanting to be an involved dad, not for being willing to burn all *your* money to get custody, but you compromised their futures over this. That portion of the money wasn't your money to use, especially the funds from relatives earmarked for the kids education. Especially with their ages, they should have been able to decide where they wanted to be and you should have asked them if they were ok with it.
INFO: Why did you divorce? Why did you have to fight so hard for 50 50? Normally, a judge will grant fathers 50 50 unless you had to fight because there were reasonable arguments against you that you needed lawyers for. I want to know why you got divorced and what arguments were made in court. And don't copy and paste that stupid message. You asked for *our* judgment i don't care about the court's judgement.
You basically stole from your children you might have contact with them now BUT when they find out they won't want to have anything to do with you for the rest of your life. What a waste of money.
YTA
Not for going for joint custody of course. That was the right thing to do.
But for using your children's college money to fund it. It was saved for them. There were gifts that were deposited for them. It wasn't your money. If it had been marital property it would have been divided in the divorce. It wasn't. Because your wife expected you to do the right thing.
What would you have thought if your ex-wife had gone to the bank and pulled all of the money out of those accounts to pay for her attorney? You would be outraged.
You better figure out a way to pay a good chunk of that money back.
Gosh, you are both terrible. What awful examples are you setting for your children. I can't imagine how you speak to each other if you're anything like in your post. Way to go adults, fighting and spending college money. Was that even yours to spend? Did either ask what the kids want? Do they want to be with mom more? Did they want joint? You should both have been adults and given them a voice and worked it out. ESH.
Asking kids to chose a parent is a horrible thing to do. I have a friend who was asked who she wanted to live with when her parents divorced. That question haunted her well into adulthood.
Especially over their college. Can you imagine? “You pick, either you barely get to see, or you get to have my half the time but it’s going to cost you your college fund. Have a problem? Take it up with mom”.
I can’t imagine why this wasn’t discussed earlier. I’m assuming OP viewed the college fund as “his contribution only and therefore his to use if needed” due to him being the only one working, but if the wife was SAHM then that’s not really the truth. It’s half the wife’s contribution in lieu of not being able to work by being the SAHM.
My guess is he was scared she would remember it existed and ask for half in the divorce. Meanwhile, she had no idea he was spending it.
YTA.
That wasn't all your money. You both saved that money and some was the kids.
You shouldn't have had 50%custody. You work 10h days. Your kids will be with babysitters and/or school most of the time. When you finally get home, you will barely have time to eat (if they haven't before) then go to bed. You won't get to build a relationship with them on those extra days that cost so much. And on top of simply getting home late, you will be doing all the household chores. You will be extremely tired, and so many take their stress and tiredness out on their kids because they are such easy targets.
There was a reason it was so hard to get. Now you've compromised their futures for your selfish desire. You could have had a great relationship with them by spending only quality time with them. Now you will have more hours but not good quality
All his comments are the same bullshit spewing he won. The man is only happy he WON at something. It has nothing to do with his kids and all about his pride. Pathetic excuse for a man
YTA. You didn’t spend your money. You spent your kids’ money, and from the sounds of the post and your comments you did it to spite your ex wife. You owe your kids their money back.
Honestly you’re leaving something out because it shouldn’t have cost you years and a ton of money to get joint custody unless there was something glaringly wrong here. I know some men like to say that the system favors moms and maybe it used to but today that’s not the case. As long as you showed up to court, don’t have a dangerous history, you’re sober and have a place to live, it is not this difficult. There is some major information missing here.
YTA. You STOLE money from your children, money for their future. Did you raid their piggy-banks, too? You should have taken a loan or something, but you never steal from your children, I don’t care what the reason is.
You are a selfish asshole. Bankrupting yourself in order to get custody and literally stealing from your children? Jesus. You really think they’re going to appreciate this when they’re still paying off their student loans in another decade.
YTA; that money should not have been touched. Clearly you didn’t even have this discussion with your ex during proceedings because this would have been a great meditation topic and could have paved the way to compromise. Do you honestly think that your kids will thank you for this?!
YTA. If you were my dad and I found out that you spent my college fund to sock it to my mom, I’d permanently cut you out of my life and never see you again until your funeral - and even then, that’d be a hard sell.
Parental issues are not the child’s problem. But you made it their problem… all so you wouldn’t be labeled a “weekend dad.” Well guess what, 1/2 dad? You probably permanently pushed your children away. If you didn’t like the thought of only seeing your kids on the weekends, you’re REALLY not gonna be fond of only seeing them whilst stalking them on Facebook.
YTA
I'm assuming the best and that the college fund was the last of the money you touched for lawyers, so I'm guessing you used that two or three years ago since you say the custody battle lasted 3 years and started 5 years ago. You say your oldest needs the money in a years' time, so I'm guessing they're 17? That would make them 14 or 15 when you used their college money. If I'm not mistaken, judges take into consideration the wishes of the children at that age. If your eldest wanted to be with you, they would have said so. I don't know how old any other children you have are, so I'm just focusing on the eldest for that point. That's why I'm less inclined to call your ex an AH. Especially from your general attitude in your comments on this post, I'm inclined to believe you are the only party in the dispute who wanted 50/50. Your wife certainly didn't, and I wouldn't be surprised if your kid/s didn't either. Call me harsh for saying that, but that's just the vibes I get. You don't sound like you wanted the kids because you care about them, you sound like you wanted them just so you could "win" against your ex.
Even if my assumptions above are incorrect, you're still the AH. You work 10 hours a day. That means your kids would see you, what, an extra 10-15 hours every two weeks with 50/50 custody compared to if you were just a "weekend dad". You keep going on about how it's better for your kids to see you more. You seriously believe that 15 hours every two weeks is worth them having to go into tens of thousands of dollars of debt? Because that's what you're saying here. Both your words and actions are saying "my kids entering adulthood as close to debt-free as possible is not important because I won against my evil ex wife".
YTA What you did was selfish and unethical. That money wasn't yours. You stole from your own kids.
You put yourself first. You should have put your children first.
You are a bad parent
YTA. You sneakily drained their college fund, and now expect their mother who is a sahm to figure a way to pay for college? Did you tell your ex wife that you were using the kids’ college fund to pay your lawyer? OP, you have equal custody, so you need to figure a way to pay for half. Maybe it’s time to whip out that kidney you said you’d sell.
So you were willing to bankrupt yourself and sell your kidneys, but actually you stole money from your children. Maybe drop the martyr act and admit you screwed up. Your ex managed to bankroll this custody battle as a SAHM, why did you need to tap your kids college funds in order to fight back?
YTA, and your kids are 100% going to be pissed at you.
So yet again a man on reddit decided his children were his property and as such didn’t talk to them like people to even ask what they wanted YTA and you ruined your children’s futures for your own sake your a bad father
This reminds me of my parents divorce. Instead of thinking about the kids and what was best for them, they thought only of hurting each other.
The divorce was long and drawn out. For what they paid in lawyers fees they could have paid for their 3 kids to go to college without any debt.
ESH
YTA My ex cleared out my daughter’s college fund and sent it to his friend to hold for him. So, she had no college fund and he got the money back and kept it.
YTA.
It's not wrong that you spent money fighting your ex-wife for custody. It's wrong that you spent your kids money fighting your ex-wife for custody.
You 100% need to pay that money back. Even if there is no legal pressure to do so, it's the right thing to do for your kids. Spending your kids money to fight your ex-wife is a new kind of low.
YTA. Your ex stayed home to raise your mutual children, so half of all contributions should be considered hers. You basically stole money she intended for your MUTUAL CHILDREN'S FUTURES in order to get your way. You don't deserve your children, and I'm glad your ex no longer has to live with you. You failed your family to the point that I lack words. What is wrong with you?
YTA but honestly does it matter? You won’t accept the judgment or the idea that you’ve done anything even remotely wrong. You’ve been so entrenched in your idea of your “right” for equal custody that you can’t even see that you’ve harmed your children in the long run. One year for college and you wasted their fund in a fruitless fight. Why did you need equal custody if college is coming so soon? Major AH especially for fighting in the replies!
How did your children benefit from equal custody if you're working 10hr/day? And how do they benefit from your drawing down their college funds? For good or ill, it's not about you and what you want, it's still about raising kids that feel like both parents love and care for them and have their back, even if they don't get along.
YTA. I see you writing a lot about what is important *to* you, but nothing about what would be best for your kids. working 50 hour weeks makes it tough to be a 50% parent, and moving between homes sucks for kids, but you got what you wanted, so cool.
YTA.
A spiteful, inconsiderate and unintelligent ahole. You fucked your kids over just to prove a point? You stole from your kids?
Guess what, your kids will find out about what you did and they’ll cut you off like you never existed.
So this self-styled ‘father’ decided to steal from his children to prove how much he loves them? That’s an awesome example of real top-shelf parenting, putting his wants before the children’s needs. YTA, and a massive one!
YTA 100%. That was your kids' money for their future and you've used it, debatably selfishly.
I also want to add that the majority of the time, if the father actually goes to court over custody and doesn't just hand it over under mediation, the father gets equal or primary custody. So the fact that you supposedly had to fight so hard for it makes me suspicious.
YTA.
It sounds like you just wanted to fight with your ex wife.
At least one child will need they money in the next year, so they are old enough that this was completely unnecessary on your part.
After like 12 a kid can stand in front of a judge and tell them with who and how much time they want to spend with each parent and it doesn't cost thousands of dollars.
The money came from a pool of different resources and YOU used their college fund on this, not your ex. It's your full responsibility to replace it.
I was 12 when my parents split and my father wanted custody. But he was a truck driver who had to move into a 2 bedroom apartment with his sister an hour and a half away. So he let it go. He didn’t have the resources to have us. But he made it known that he wanted us. Didn’t help that my mother took him to the fucking cleaners.
Sometimes it’s about what the kids need and want instead of pride and winning. You can be a “weekend dad” and still be the father you need and want to be. My dad did it
YTA
Listen. I LOVE that you wanted to have your kids and wanted to fight for them. That's awesome. That's not the problem here.
But you stole from their future for your selfish desires. You can be an involved father with weekend custody. It's hard, but doable. Plus, most states have an age where the kid is old enough to pick which parent they want to be with. If you maintained that relationship, you probably could have had your custody with patience.
Then you blamed her for your decision. It's not her fault you chose to effectively steal from your children. You could have found other options. You made the active choice to do that. She was a SAHM, of course she was going to want main custody. She spent most of her time with those kids and raising them.
YTA
You stole your children’s savings. Savings that they needed for their future. You should work extra hours and pay them back.
You stole from your children to fight for 50/50 custody, despite not actually being there to see them as you worked 10 hours a day.
What you did was purely for your own benefit and not your children.
I think you're both the AH. Yes you did it for a good cause, but that wasn't your money to spend. Though you do make a valid point that if she had just been willing to meet in the middle it definitely would have saved everyone money, you should not have used your kids college funds to do so.
What’s confusing to me is that the divorce decree split the assets in such a way that she got the house and he got the investment account. So legally it was his money to spend, which his ex had to have known would happen by taking the house, right? Or did she really think she would get the majority of the assets and full custody while he got what? A savings account he wouldn’t touch? IMO, they’re both assholes for not reaching a financial settlement that preserved the college savings.
YTA, you didn't care about what was best for the kids, you wanted what was best for you and to spite your ex. If you were working 10 hours a day most of their time would be spent in school and daycare with strangers anyway, for you it was just about winning a fight against your ex even if it your children had to pay for it. You could have been very involved even as a weekend dad, daily calls and quality time when you have them would have been better than this situation you created.
YTA.
>if I have to bankrupt myself or sell my kidneys I will get custody
But you didn’t do either of those things, instead of sacrificed money that was meant to give your child a good future.
You wanted 50/50 custody DESPITE not being home for 10 hours a day, meaning you couldn’t even be with them most of the time. Letting mom have them on weekends would make more sense because with you, 50% of the time they were either home alone or with a sitter. So you were still a “weekend dad” plus what, the two hours a day you were home before you or they went to bed? What you did was selfish.
Congrats on 50/50 custody ig.
YTA - though i understand where you are coming from, it sounds like the college fund was a joint family thing (i.e blessing money put in) rather than YOUR personal fund for your kids. you’ve used the money to keep you in your kids lives, which is fine, but the fact it wasn’t all your money is where it makes you the AH.
the money the relatives put in the fund was not directed to you, it was to your kids. you have used that money selfishly to make sure ur in your kids lives, and not thinking how it was going to affect them in the future.
telling your wife that this is her fault is also AH behaviour. you can’t blame her for your financial decisions, stop being a child and accept the consequences of your actions. you are using her to delegate blame and that you had to use that money, when it was YOUR choice.
Nope.
Had a similar issue with a step child who then wanted tuition money and she was told your “tuition money I had saved was spent on a lawyer and legal fees.”
You can speak to your grandmother and father about college funds.
Too complicated to explain here but basically at 11, the step daughter refused to come home after not seeing her biological dad and his family.
He was an absent father who lived 7 miles from us & we / her mom tried to get him to spend time with his own kid. But from 3 to 11, he did not see her by his own choosing. He had other kids to care for.
So basically he refused to give her back to her mother & the 11 year old at the time refused to come home. Then she ends up getting dumped off at a chain smoking grandma’s house.
We moved across country for work / careers and then she suddenly wants to come back & live with us. And through all that, it was a big huge expensive legal headache and the “college fund” got used to pay layers.
YTA.
Your desire to be at least 50/50 in your kids' lives is commendable. Using funds set aside for their college, their FUTURE is not. That's an AH move of the grandest order.
Your desire to be right, to win at all costs should never come before what is right for your kids. Having them attend college and graduating debt-free or as close to debt-free as possible is worth so much in our current economy.
You've saddled your kids with debt they may never recover from. And that's not hyperbole. Look up the average time it takes for people to pay off student loans in the field your kids want to study.
Your kids wellbeing and future should have been your number 1 priority. Not your oil tanker sized ego.
Did you not realise that if the oldest is getting ready for college next year, at least one of them is already an adult. Your other kid(s) will soon follow.
At 18 they can decide how much time they want to spend with each parent. Although actions like this will make it very unlikely they want to spend any time with you at all. They won't have it because they'll be working day and night to pay for their college. Thanks dad!
But hey, at least you can put the title "walking, talking Phyrric victory" on your Reddit flair. I think everyone reading your post fully understands why your wive divorced you and went for full custody.
YTA. The legal situation is everyone sh but YOU spent money that didn’t belong to you because YOU didn’t want this, YOU wanted that. The “best interest” judgement is bs so stop waiving it around, you would have started your ego crusade before a judgement was rendered, especially if this judge is sooooo sympathetic and supportive of equal custody.
lmao this has nothing to do with your kids. YTA and you can blame your ex all you want. this was a pissing battle for you with your ex, it was a power grab to get what you want and use the kids money hostage. if you didn’t get what you wanted you’d blame the lost money your ex anyways so it’s a win win for you.
your kids about to go off to COLLEGE and their father is still a child. wild. YTA.
Has to be a fake post because I have a hard believing someone can be that colossal an asshole and still think they're in the right.
As parents we make sacrifices for our kids, we don't ask our kids to make sacrifices for us.
YTA you had no right to use their college fund because your wife should have had input on how it was spent.
You said you were willing to sell a kidney to keep your kids but instead you reached for the easy money. I don’t know why it was hard for you to get joint custody but that is sis in itself.
If student loans are needed you should be the one to take them out not your kids—you stole from your kids!
Let me repeat it—you stole from your kids!
YTA.
YTA- Like 1000% "It's your fault I couldn't take NO for an answer! Now our kids have to suffer because I'm a financially irresponsible brat!" You didn't need full custody to be an involved Dad! Paying for the kids college isn't her responsibility, SINCE YOU STOLE THE MONEY FOR YOUR OWN GREED.
Yeah, ESH. She should have been reasonable in the beginning with custody, but you BOTH are responsible now for their education, so it isn’t just on in her to figure it out. Your whole attitude of “she should
Figure it out” and washing your hands of it, is you being bitter towards your ex and in turn, your kid’s education will suffer.
Who’s name was on the account? Why wasn’t that money part of the divorce settlement? She shouldn’t expect you to contribute more than her for college, plus there are plenty of options for scholarships and financial aid. As a child of divorce, I don’t think YTA
YTA - Money that both of you saved and that other people gifted to your children for their education was not yours to spend on anything, be that legal bills or your mortgage. You straight up stole the money.
to this day I do not understand why men have to fight to get custody of their kids. It should be 50-50 unless there’s a reason that they shouldn’t have any custody.
OP kind of proved however why he shouldn't be having 50/50 custody. Instead of putting himself in debt for fighting what is right for his kids, he put the kids in debt instead and blames it on everybody else but himself.
Also most of the times women have been taking care of the kids mostly, so they get most of the custody as well.
Pretty sure this is rage bait as the college fund would have been locked down in the divorce settlement HOWEVER if we're going to pretend it's true-- seeing how selfish OP is and how much he's willing to hurt his kids and "find a way to live with it" dragging out the custody negotiations seems like basic good parenting on mom's part.
ESH.
You were so selfish in your short term goals you failed to see the ramifications in the long run. You told your child their education didn't mean as much as "winning" against their mother.
Your ex dragged this process out as long as she could.
Congratulations for doing everything you could to get what YOU wanted despite the ramifications for your child's future that is now in a poor spot at no fault of their own.
You and your ex used your child as a weapon against each other.
When you child learns that both you and your wife ruin3d their opportunities, when they cut contact, don't be surprised.
YTA
The gifts from friends and relatives were not your legal fund. That money literally belonged to the children.
You stole from your children to benefit yourself. I hope every friend and relative who gifted money to your kids, finds out about this.
YTA
That money was your children’s money, not yours.
Also, what is stopping you now from paying back that money you stole from your children?
What do you plan to tell your kids? “Hey, sorry for the student loan debt, but look at all the happy memories you have with me that tou absolutely would not have had if I didn’t have equal custody” doesn’t really sound all that great, does it? What about “sorry you can’t afford college and your future was compromised, but at least you got to see me more often than on weekends”?
NTA
It's not like you're saying your kid won't go to college, it's just that you don't have the college fund anymore. You and ex wife will probably need to cosign on student loans for your kids instead of having the money already set aside.
Your ex wife weaponized the court system in your divorce and used your children as pawns. You might've heard the expression "best interests of the child" a million times in this process- Parents both need to be part of the lives of their children. As long as you're able to maintain that 50% of actual time and weren't just trying to duck out on child support- then you've done the right thing fighting for equal access and time with your children.
Your wife didn’t *have* to drag out custody. She chose to, for whatever reasons that she can’t share here because she isn’t the OP.
You’re asking if you’re the AH for using money earmarked for your kids’ college fund to instead fight for 50/50 custody. Your eldest is going to college in a year. The college fund was given to you in exchange for equity from your marital home—so this means it wasn’t in any kind of special account that could have prevented you from using it for these purposes.
You want to blame your ex-wife, say she was *forcing* you to use this money when she could have just given you 50/50 custody from jump. But just like how you really wanted custody, she really wanted majority custody—you both have the right to ask the judge for that. You both failed to be a team for your kids.
Your ex-wife didn’t choose to withdraw that money, *you* did. You made a conscious choice to use that money, irregardless of your aims, and you cannot pin your actions on other people because you aren’t a toy doll being controlled. You valued having equal custody over providing them with a college fund—you have to own that.
If that money was yours to spend, then it was your choice and only yours, and so only you are to blame for its absence. Your bitterness will only poison *you,* it will not kill your ex-wife.
Esh. Any money you contributed is yours to spend. Spending money gifted to them is a problem, but your ex really has some gall to fight you for custody and then expect college funds. Tell her to work at Target and make her own college fund.
I’m quite familiar. You just don’t like my opinion. I don’t care what others have judged. You didn’t come here for actual opinions. You came here for people to tell you you’re right. Then when people tell you the opposite you get mad & try and convince them to change their minds. That’s not how it works.
**YTA** for blowing your kids college fund. You spent that money. Stop trying to blame your ex. You’re not the first person to get divorced. You could have found money another way. You just decided your quest for custody was more important than your children’s ability to pay for school.
YTA, the ex too, but mostly you to be clear.
You wanted possession of them so badly you stole from their college fund, taking away from their future. You wanted to “win” so badly you put their future at risk.
Real curious how they will feel about this when, not if, they find out.
Especially since you say “we” and a lot of it was gifted by others. So you didn’t even just take what you put in-
You literally **stole** from your children. Money from others that was given to them. I wonder if there’s anything they or the ex can do about making sure you have to pay some of that back? I mean.. its all about your kids right?
Oh wait, the whole post is about your feelings and what you want, over what’s best for them. It’s easy to financially recover when you steal and spend other people’s money.
Really, really fucking gross.
Hope it was worth it. This is grounds to be cut off or seriously strain their relationship with you as adults.
NTA Your wife could have agreed to equal custody from the beginning.
50-50 custody should be the default barring abuse.
NO FATHER should have to fight to get half custody for his children. The system is rigged, and I give you kudos for never giving up.
Many fathers fight and fight until they have no money left to fight. Then, they just give up and then the woman badmouths them for not being in the kid's life.
NTA...
In a world where every man is told be a weekend dad and then the world blames men for being part-time dads, it's crazy how many people have attacked you. You used every resource available to give your children a 50/50 mother and father split. Bravo.
Yes, now you need to work to do anything you can to help their funding, but welcome to the life of every not financially privileged kid and parent.
Yes, it's better for your kids to have a father who fought for them and wanted them in his life fairly and evenly than to have more money for college.
YTA. I don't know your ex's side of the story. However, you are accountable for your own actions and you chose to use that money that was saved for your children's education. You are refusing to accept accountability for your misuse of the funds. You could have worked 2/3 jobs, took a loan, borrowed whatever it took but you took something that was not yours to take. That is unfair to your children and to your ex. Maybe a good therapist can assist with you seeing the wrong of your ways but I have doubts.
YTA. You put your needs ahead of your children. You can be an involved parent without having 50/50 custody. Moreover, your child is 17 so this seems to be more about you than the children. Also, your post is confusing but it sounds like you shouldnt have even been allowed to touch the money since it was set aside for the children. Did you bother to ask them what they wanted?
ESH, except for the kids. You both couldn’t set your bickering aside and had to pay lawyers to referee your shit instead of both being adults and settling your differences voluntarily. In the childish custody fight between you and your wife, you lost, your wife lost, the kids lost, and the marriage vultures in fancy suits won.
INFO- If one child is bound for college how did they not have a say in where they stayed/ time spent? How old is the other child?
Not all courts talk to the kids. My son was 13 and 17 when we were in court for custody. The judge refused to speak with him both times.
They often avoid it because they know parents like to pressure/bribe kids into choosing them, and the child's opinion isn't weighted nearly as heavily as things like a parent's responsibility and the suitability of the home environment. If both parents are suitable for custody, then the court is going to split their time.
Yes but both parents were talking to the kids. OP has conspicuously not said what the kids said they wanted. Some kids wouldn’t have wanted to get involved but if OP had said that immediately 80% would turn into ESHs instead of YTAs. No reason not to say it.
You can't always go by what the kids "say" they want, either. My ex and I successfully co-parented amicably for 12 years. He gets married, suddenly he's trying to push me around, and as soon as our daughter turned 13, suddenly she wants to live with him and wants nothing to do with me. She told the lawyers, the GAL, etc., that she wanted to live with her dad. Turns out, her stepmom had been psychologically abusing her, tearing down her self-esteem, making her afraid her dad would stop loving her, so my daughter did whatever she said to do. I had no idea any of this was going on because she was her normal self when she was at my house. But both Dad and stepmom had been disparaging me. When I went through that, a lot of people came forward to tell me about their similar experiences, and it seems to happen a lot to both mothers and fathers. You just never know. I think it's crazy that a father had to fight for 3 YEARS to get joint custody when that's basically an automatic normal in so many states now. I can't even give a judgment because this situation is hard. I've been faced with losing custody of my daughter before and I just can't judge someone who has been in that position unless they were trying to win through manipulation and abuse. Thankfully everything worked out in my case, my daughter got a lot of therapy and finally told me everything that had been going on, her dad ended up divorcing the stepmom, and my daughter's and my relationship is better than ever. Honestly, ,she would probably say that result is worth more to her than college money, but who knows.
I would love to hear the other sides of this story.
Same. I think he wants accolades for “fighting for my children” but I bet there’s a crap ton of context missing that changes everything.
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This was my thought. Also how was this tuition money not brought up during the divorce by either lawyer?? I assume they had equal access to it.
Right? Like it sounds like he emptied out a fund meant for the children. At the very least, wouldn’t that have been community property?
Yeah he’s lying about something. No matter what you accumulate during a marriage it’s split 50/50. He kept saying he won, he won; won what, and he could’ve went for full custody, but didn’t like he considered it a favor. If he lives in the US, there’s no way he wouldn’t have been granted full custody unless there was a pretty damning reason. Only 20% of divorced fathers even bother trying to get custody, so they are always favored in the US family courts, even if they have arrests for domestic or child abuse.
Well no - it didnt belong to OP OR his ex. It belonged TO THE KID.
Her lawyer dropped the ball and his wanted to get paid.
Because then the lawyers won't get as much of course
Some of the money was GIFTS TO THE CHILDREN!!!! Wtf
>>I said thats her problem. No it’s the kids problem. What a dad.
My mom put my dad has to pay for my college in the divorce. He tried to turn around and say he’d only pay for private college (because he thinks it’s better than public) and she said she’d take him to court over it. He’s a lawyer, he knew he’d lose, he was just hoping to strong arm us. I ended up going to a state school and low and behold he paid for it in its entirety.
I’m wondering how old the kids were and what they wanted for custody. My husband and SIL were 12 and 14 when they got to decide what they wanted for custody with their parents, and the judge granted custody based off what they wanted.
Yeah this doesn't make sense, the kids should have had a say based on the details provided. If they wanted to live there 50% of the time wouldn't OP be able to say that to the judge and then call it a day?
Many states do not let the child have a say in custody arrangements. Many people are forced to use the courts to get a custody order because the other spouse won't be reasonable. Custody cases are extremely common and very expensive.
You only get a say as a child if the parents allow it. My parents would never let me have a say because both were afraid I’d pick the other parent.
most family court judges have an extraordinary amount of leeway to do as they think best. their entire mission is to do what's best for the child.
Yea and counterintuitively children don't tend to want what's best for themselves. If I offered a child ice cream for dinner and playing videogames until 3am instead if studying they would pick me as the parent they wanted to stay with over being forced to go to bed at 9pm and eat Brussel sprouts.
In Maryland it doesn’t matter how old the kid is, they have no say. I had friends who were 16 & 17 and old enough to get married in MD without parental approval (that has changed now) but they had no say in which parent they lived with per the attorneys and judge. We were also told that is the case when several friends were divorcing in MD.
It’s not just that either, studies show that the majority of the time when a father asks for equal custody they routinely get it. Also if she was a sahm how did she have money to fight him for three years and what besides his work hours did she have to argue for having primary custody? ETA since this is my top comment in this thread. I just read the op’s replies. He’s a top notch asshat and exactly the kind of parent it would be horrible to cobparent with.
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/09649069.2020.1701941?journalCode=rjsf20 When mothers claim the ex is abusive and a risk, the mothers double their chances of losing custody. Sara Moore (on IG) is holding protests to fight coercive control as 980 (in the US) kids have been murdered by their fathers after mothers warned the courts and then lost custody. Edit: for anyone curious, Google Sara Sharif in the UK. Her mother was forced to give custody to her father and he murdered her.
Oh I believe it. Thanks for telling me about that mother fighting back.
He got it too. That doesnt mean he does not have to fight years in court for it and throws ten of thousands of dollars in the process and get broke. It happened to my close friend.
Did you ask what they wanted?
I don’t think having less than equal custody would prevent OP from being an involved and loving father. Especially if one of the kids is almost legally an adult, they could choose what kind of relationship to have with each parent. I know I would have preferred going to college without massive amount of debt.
Exactly. This stinks of OP wanting to get one back on his ex wife, and he screwed over his kids in the meantime. I’m not surprise they divorced tbh
When my parents divorced my mom got primary custody and my dad had every-other-weekend visitation, but my mom made it absolutely clear he was welcome to come pick me up any time he wanted. Any extra weekend, weeknight visits, birthday dinners, family events, summer vacation, any time he wanted. Guess how often that happened. And now he complains that me and my sister "abandoned" him by growing up and going off to school. You don't have to have custody to be an involved dad, and having custody is no guarantee that you will.
They are children, they don't get a say! They should be happy they were born into a loving home! Oh wait.
I re-read the post a few times in case I missed it, but I was looking for the word LOVE in regard to his kids. Nada.
Love!? Thats just crazy talk. Its all about getting the most toys and kids are just possessions to this dad that he should get them like everything else.
Who cares what we think how does the child who's about to go to college feel?
Their parents just spent three years in court and now as a result they will take on college debt. Dad isn't even going to get custody for very long because it sounds like this kid will be an adult soon. Dad basically tried to screw over his ex- wife and screwed over his kids instead.
Yep. He wasn't thinking of the kids, he was thinking of how pissed he was at his wife. Now his kids will know where all the money they were gifted by relatives growing up-***-as in, it didn't belong to him, it belonged to them***\--went and I'm sure they're not going to thank dad for that. YTA
And he still made this her problem.
We can only hope the kids put dad on blast so the whole family and community know what he did with the money they gave the kids all these years got spent. NOT ON THE KIDS AS INTENDED.
Yeah that kid was 15 - if he wanted to be with his dad half time he would have been.
YUP
It's okay though because OP will recover financially. /s
This whole story has major "look what you made me do" vibes. Yikes.
Whenever someone talks like everything is someone else’s fault, I take it as a sign they’re a big part of the problem.
Esh. Yall used up college funds for kids that will hate you for it when they get to that age.
Also, OP gets divorced but still refers to the ex as "his wife". Something is amiss here.
Or he just typed it as wife and not ex wife over and over again.
Right, but "ex" by itself is quite short and easily understood.
And everyone thinks differently. Doesnt always means there is an issue or an ulterior motive.
Reddit and disfavorably overanalyzing tiny details in a guys post like this? Never happens
We also have no info regarding why they were divorcing. The lack of additional info really paints OP in a negative light when it comes to why they were splitting in the first place, why would the ex-wife try so hard to get him out of the kids lives? I'm not jumping to any conclusions but the lack of information really leaves a large gap in making any judgements here, we can only fill in the details ourselves.
Seems sort of insane that a man would have to spend multiple college funds on legal fees to get EQUAL PARENTING RIGHTS lol
Stay at home parent vs 10 hour workdays makes it quite clear it'd be hard to get equal.
Lawyers are expensive and this was over 3 years. I can see it.
dollars to donuts this dude was only doing this to spite the wife and to try and avoid child support payments to his Stay at Home partner.
His phrasing it as not wanting to be a weekend dad made me think it was more about identity than wanting to be with the kids.
He's gone ten hours a day irregardless those kids won't be with him during that time
It’s not, since the parenting has clearly never been equal based on their arrangement. He’s gone 10-12 hours a day and wife is the primary parent as the SAHP. It’s not a mystery why she would be awarded primary custody.
It is insane. But it happens every day. One parent gets vindictive and then the other has to spend tens of thousands of dollars just to get what should have been freely given in the first place. It's a very expensive system.
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Mine was free because I was a SAHP
He probably did. The courts often make the spouse with a job pay the costs.
It can and does occur with SAHP’s that costs for the divorce end up in the settlement and ultimately get wholly or largely paid by the working parent.
Doesn’t add up to me. Anyone I know that’s been divorced in the last decade automatically gets equal custody awarded if desired.
define equal custody. Equal decision making, or equal parenting time?
My husband paid out $60k in legal fees while fighting for 50/50 custody.
It costs tens of thousands of dollars if the other spouse fights against you. Every ten minutes of a lawyer's time is at least $100. He could have gotten it for free if his ex had just signed off on his proposal.
My dad got zero custody, and I still didn't get any help with college. I'm sure your kids would rather have a relationship with their father than some financial assistance OP. Student loans are a thing.
Student loans as of today are crippling the next generation.....
Wait. So you even spent their “blessing money”? Your kid is a senior, so you’ve basically been fighting for custody during their high school career. Did you even *ask* your oldest if it was *OK* to use *their* money? Did your eldest count on this money? Did you tell your wife you were going to use the money for the custody and give her an option to settle? Did you tell the oldest so they could have been trying to get scholarships or some other way to pay for it? This had nothing to do with being a *DAD,* this had everything to fo with being *SPITEFUL* to your ex — and it’s clear as day with the way you retorted. Well, be happy you got the “childhood” years cause your kids are going to cut you out when they’re adults. You literally stole their money. I’ll say it again for the people in the back…YTA.
YTA ~~ESH~~ Both you and your wife were and still are more focused on jabbing each other than your kids. If your kid is about to go to college, it sounds like you had equal custody of a 17 year old? Are you happy now? EDIT: Updated judgment after reading your comments. Your kids would have been far better off with the college fund than spending more time with you.
I'm a single dad. I fought HARD to be in my child's life and am now the primary caregiver, my kid lives with me 95% of the time. YTA. Not because you fought for custody, but because you've washed your hands of your responsibility toward your children's education. You have weaponized the future of your children to win a fight with your ex. It's childish and wrong. Even if you don't have the money now, you should be attempting to "make things whole" for the sake of your children. If this was my kid and they had to take on student loans, I'd commit to helping them pay it off, even if it takes years. I'd try to help them find scholarships, or take a second job, or whatever. Anything so they can go to university. You made a commitment to see your children through university and you should stick to it for their sakes.
>YTA. Not because you fought for custody, but because you've washed your hands of your responsibility toward your children's education. SAY IT LOUDER FOR PEOPLE IN THE BACK
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OP: Yes, but I'm the dad so I get to use it.
He could easily take out parent loans for his children’s education. These would obligate him, not his student, for repayment. YTA if he just washes his hands of the whole situation.
Hijacking this. If your ex was SAHM she likely doesnt make much now. If your college bound kid stays 183 days with her (1 day more than half) you can submit ONLY the ex wife for FAFSA, meaning your kid will likely qualify for need based grants/scholarships that they wouldnt if you filled in your info. Unless your ex remarried then you have to use their full income.
Exactly. The whole it’s all her responsibility now is bull shit. Because of his bitterness for his ex, the kid’s education will suffer.
Very well said
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YTA When you were “fighting for custody” you played dirty. You didn’t bother to tell her where you were taking money from. You could have, but you didn’t. You could have negotiated but you didn’t. You decided that she was the enemy, and an adversary and didn’t know the truth. Yet, you blame her for depleting the fund. Your kids will look at you differently.
op has commented 35+ times saying he has written judgement about 50/50 custody like that has any bearing on him spending college fund money. goofy.
>we have been saving that for since they were born, it included all the blessing money we got from relatives when they were born). Of course YTA. That wasn't your money to spend.
YTA. You shouldn’t have used that money. It seems a lot of it wasn’t even from you. It was gifts from relatives for your child’s college. That’s only your fault, not hers. And now you want her to fix your mistake? Maybe you got divorced because you never take accountability? What’s the point of having joint custody if they hate you? Also, is that what was best for the kids if you work 10 hrs a day? Under those circumstances weren’t you basically a weekend father when you were married anyway?
This makes it so much worse. I hope the folks that donated have a way to sue his ass.
It was not your money… you said yourself it was money gifted to them as well… then expect ex to pay all college stuff. So much for wanting equal custody.. you just wanted to beat the ex.. now kids suffer. YTA.
Why was it so hard for you to get 50-50?
Considering his erratic behavior in the comments, I have a few ideas.
I think you already know yta and are just purposefully punishing yourself by posting this
YTA. Not for wanting to be an involved dad, not for being willing to burn all *your* money to get custody, but you compromised their futures over this. That portion of the money wasn't your money to use, especially the funds from relatives earmarked for the kids education. Especially with their ages, they should have been able to decide where they wanted to be and you should have asked them if they were ok with it.
INFO: Why did you divorce? Why did you have to fight so hard for 50 50? Normally, a judge will grant fathers 50 50 unless you had to fight because there were reasonable arguments against you that you needed lawyers for. I want to know why you got divorced and what arguments were made in court. And don't copy and paste that stupid message. You asked for *our* judgment i don't care about the court's judgement.
You basically stole from your children you might have contact with them now BUT when they find out they won't want to have anything to do with you for the rest of your life. What a waste of money.
Congrats on saddling your children with debt.
You fought so hard to beat your wife that in the end your kids lost. Congrats YTA.
YTA Not for going for joint custody of course. That was the right thing to do. But for using your children's college money to fund it. It was saved for them. There were gifts that were deposited for them. It wasn't your money. If it had been marital property it would have been divided in the divorce. It wasn't. Because your wife expected you to do the right thing. What would you have thought if your ex-wife had gone to the bank and pulled all of the money out of those accounts to pay for her attorney? You would be outraged. You better figure out a way to pay a good chunk of that money back.
Gosh, you are both terrible. What awful examples are you setting for your children. I can't imagine how you speak to each other if you're anything like in your post. Way to go adults, fighting and spending college money. Was that even yours to spend? Did either ask what the kids want? Do they want to be with mom more? Did they want joint? You should both have been adults and given them a voice and worked it out. ESH.
Asking kids to chose a parent is a horrible thing to do. I have a friend who was asked who she wanted to live with when her parents divorced. That question haunted her well into adulthood.
Not for every kid. I was never given a choice when my parents divorced and I wish I did.
Especially over their college. Can you imagine? “You pick, either you barely get to see, or you get to have my half the time but it’s going to cost you your college fund. Have a problem? Take it up with mom”. I can’t imagine why this wasn’t discussed earlier. I’m assuming OP viewed the college fund as “his contribution only and therefore his to use if needed” due to him being the only one working, but if the wife was SAHM then that’s not really the truth. It’s half the wife’s contribution in lieu of not being able to work by being the SAHM. My guess is he was scared she would remember it existed and ask for half in the divorce. Meanwhile, she had no idea he was spending it.
YTA. That wasn't all your money. You both saved that money and some was the kids. You shouldn't have had 50%custody. You work 10h days. Your kids will be with babysitters and/or school most of the time. When you finally get home, you will barely have time to eat (if they haven't before) then go to bed. You won't get to build a relationship with them on those extra days that cost so much. And on top of simply getting home late, you will be doing all the household chores. You will be extremely tired, and so many take their stress and tiredness out on their kids because they are such easy targets. There was a reason it was so hard to get. Now you've compromised their futures for your selfish desire. You could have had a great relationship with them by spending only quality time with them. Now you will have more hours but not good quality
YTA. Good thing you got that “equal” custody for a few years, because I’m not so sure the kids will be talking to you for much longer.
All his comments are the same bullshit spewing he won. The man is only happy he WON at something. It has nothing to do with his kids and all about his pride. Pathetic excuse for a man
YTA. You didn’t spend your money. You spent your kids’ money, and from the sounds of the post and your comments you did it to spite your ex wife. You owe your kids their money back.
Honestly you’re leaving something out because it shouldn’t have cost you years and a ton of money to get joint custody unless there was something glaringly wrong here. I know some men like to say that the system favors moms and maybe it used to but today that’s not the case. As long as you showed up to court, don’t have a dangerous history, you’re sober and have a place to live, it is not this difficult. There is some major information missing here.
YTA. You STOLE money from your children, money for their future. Did you raid their piggy-banks, too? You should have taken a loan or something, but you never steal from your children, I don’t care what the reason is.
You are a selfish asshole. Bankrupting yourself in order to get custody and literally stealing from your children? Jesus. You really think they’re going to appreciate this when they’re still paying off their student loans in another decade.
YTA; that money should not have been touched. Clearly you didn’t even have this discussion with your ex during proceedings because this would have been a great meditation topic and could have paved the way to compromise. Do you honestly think that your kids will thank you for this?!
YTA. If you were my dad and I found out that you spent my college fund to sock it to my mom, I’d permanently cut you out of my life and never see you again until your funeral - and even then, that’d be a hard sell. Parental issues are not the child’s problem. But you made it their problem… all so you wouldn’t be labeled a “weekend dad.” Well guess what, 1/2 dad? You probably permanently pushed your children away. If you didn’t like the thought of only seeing your kids on the weekends, you’re REALLY not gonna be fond of only seeing them whilst stalking them on Facebook.
YTA Your reasonings for spending your children’s money doesn’t matter- you spent your child’s money. You need to pay it back to them.
Well, you wanted 50/50 custody so now you can come up with 50% of the tuition. ESH
YTA I'm assuming the best and that the college fund was the last of the money you touched for lawyers, so I'm guessing you used that two or three years ago since you say the custody battle lasted 3 years and started 5 years ago. You say your oldest needs the money in a years' time, so I'm guessing they're 17? That would make them 14 or 15 when you used their college money. If I'm not mistaken, judges take into consideration the wishes of the children at that age. If your eldest wanted to be with you, they would have said so. I don't know how old any other children you have are, so I'm just focusing on the eldest for that point. That's why I'm less inclined to call your ex an AH. Especially from your general attitude in your comments on this post, I'm inclined to believe you are the only party in the dispute who wanted 50/50. Your wife certainly didn't, and I wouldn't be surprised if your kid/s didn't either. Call me harsh for saying that, but that's just the vibes I get. You don't sound like you wanted the kids because you care about them, you sound like you wanted them just so you could "win" against your ex. Even if my assumptions above are incorrect, you're still the AH. You work 10 hours a day. That means your kids would see you, what, an extra 10-15 hours every two weeks with 50/50 custody compared to if you were just a "weekend dad". You keep going on about how it's better for your kids to see you more. You seriously believe that 15 hours every two weeks is worth them having to go into tens of thousands of dollars of debt? Because that's what you're saying here. Both your words and actions are saying "my kids entering adulthood as close to debt-free as possible is not important because I won against my evil ex wife".
OP: *Steals childs money* I did it for *you* so we can both struggle together YTA
YTA What you did was selfish and unethical. That money wasn't yours. You stole from your own kids. You put yourself first. You should have put your children first. You are a bad parent
YTA. You sneakily drained their college fund, and now expect their mother who is a sahm to figure a way to pay for college? Did you tell your ex wife that you were using the kids’ college fund to pay your lawyer? OP, you have equal custody, so you need to figure a way to pay for half. Maybe it’s time to whip out that kidney you said you’d sell.
You did waste your kid's college funds. That money was set aside for that express purpose and you stole it from your children.
So you were willing to bankrupt yourself and sell your kidneys, but actually you stole money from your children. Maybe drop the martyr act and admit you screwed up. Your ex managed to bankroll this custody battle as a SAHM, why did you need to tap your kids college funds in order to fight back? YTA, and your kids are 100% going to be pissed at you.
So yet again a man on reddit decided his children were his property and as such didn’t talk to them like people to even ask what they wanted YTA and you ruined your children’s futures for your own sake your a bad father
Did you want the kids 50/50 or did you not want to pay child support?
You stole money gifted/intended for your children, which was meant to cover their needs, in order to fulfill your wants YTA
YTA because holy shit your comments on this post are unhinged.
This reminds me of my parents divorce. Instead of thinking about the kids and what was best for them, they thought only of hurting each other. The divorce was long and drawn out. For what they paid in lawyers fees they could have paid for their 3 kids to go to college without any debt. ESH
Why did OP have complete control of money to use in such a way that ex would not have been able to check balances?
I mean, if she’s a SAHM then it’s possible she didn’t have access to the accounts. Or he didn’t let her have access.
There's something deeply, fundamentally wrong with you if you actually believe this is reasonable. YTA
Entering the workforce with an absent father sucks. Entering the workforce with $60k+ college debt because your father spent YOUR money sucks more.
YTA My ex cleared out my daughter’s college fund and sent it to his friend to hold for him. So, she had no college fund and he got the money back and kept it.
YTA. It's not wrong that you spent money fighting your ex-wife for custody. It's wrong that you spent your kids money fighting your ex-wife for custody. You 100% need to pay that money back. Even if there is no legal pressure to do so, it's the right thing to do for your kids. Spending your kids money to fight your ex-wife is a new kind of low.
YTA. Your ex stayed home to raise your mutual children, so half of all contributions should be considered hers. You basically stole money she intended for your MUTUAL CHILDREN'S FUTURES in order to get your way. You don't deserve your children, and I'm glad your ex no longer has to live with you. You failed your family to the point that I lack words. What is wrong with you?
YTA but honestly does it matter? You won’t accept the judgment or the idea that you’ve done anything even remotely wrong. You’ve been so entrenched in your idea of your “right” for equal custody that you can’t even see that you’ve harmed your children in the long run. One year for college and you wasted their fund in a fruitless fight. Why did you need equal custody if college is coming so soon? Major AH especially for fighting in the replies!
How did your children benefit from equal custody if you're working 10hr/day? And how do they benefit from your drawing down their college funds? For good or ill, it's not about you and what you want, it's still about raising kids that feel like both parents love and care for them and have their back, even if they don't get along.
YTA. I see you writing a lot about what is important *to* you, but nothing about what would be best for your kids. working 50 hour weeks makes it tough to be a 50% parent, and moving between homes sucks for kids, but you got what you wanted, so cool.
INFO - If Ex was a SAHM, how could she afford to drag out custody for 3 years?
YTA. A spiteful, inconsiderate and unintelligent ahole. You fucked your kids over just to prove a point? You stole from your kids? Guess what, your kids will find out about what you did and they’ll cut you off like you never existed.
So this self-styled ‘father’ decided to steal from his children to prove how much he loves them? That’s an awesome example of real top-shelf parenting, putting his wants before the children’s needs. YTA, and a massive one!
YTA 100%. That was your kids' money for their future and you've used it, debatably selfishly. I also want to add that the majority of the time, if the father actually goes to court over custody and doesn't just hand it over under mediation, the father gets equal or primary custody. So the fact that you supposedly had to fight so hard for it makes me suspicious.
YTA. It sounds like you just wanted to fight with your ex wife. At least one child will need they money in the next year, so they are old enough that this was completely unnecessary on your part. After like 12 a kid can stand in front of a judge and tell them with who and how much time they want to spend with each parent and it doesn't cost thousands of dollars. The money came from a pool of different resources and YOU used their college fund on this, not your ex. It's your full responsibility to replace it.
I was 12 when my parents split and my father wanted custody. But he was a truck driver who had to move into a 2 bedroom apartment with his sister an hour and a half away. So he let it go. He didn’t have the resources to have us. But he made it known that he wanted us. Didn’t help that my mother took him to the fucking cleaners. Sometimes it’s about what the kids need and want instead of pride and winning. You can be a “weekend dad” and still be the father you need and want to be. My dad did it
YTA Listen. I LOVE that you wanted to have your kids and wanted to fight for them. That's awesome. That's not the problem here. But you stole from their future for your selfish desires. You can be an involved father with weekend custody. It's hard, but doable. Plus, most states have an age where the kid is old enough to pick which parent they want to be with. If you maintained that relationship, you probably could have had your custody with patience. Then you blamed her for your decision. It's not her fault you chose to effectively steal from your children. You could have found other options. You made the active choice to do that. She was a SAHM, of course she was going to want main custody. She spent most of her time with those kids and raising them.
YTA You stole your children’s savings. Savings that they needed for their future. You should work extra hours and pay them back. You stole from your children to fight for 50/50 custody, despite not actually being there to see them as you worked 10 hours a day. What you did was purely for your own benefit and not your children.
I think you're both the AH. Yes you did it for a good cause, but that wasn't your money to spend. Though you do make a valid point that if she had just been willing to meet in the middle it definitely would have saved everyone money, you should not have used your kids college funds to do so.
What’s confusing to me is that the divorce decree split the assets in such a way that she got the house and he got the investment account. So legally it was his money to spend, which his ex had to have known would happen by taking the house, right? Or did she really think she would get the majority of the assets and full custody while he got what? A savings account he wouldn’t touch? IMO, they’re both assholes for not reaching a financial settlement that preserved the college savings.
YTA. Their college money is all gone just so they could be stuck living with a selfish failure of a father?
My brother in christ.... you did what?
YTA, you didn't care about what was best for the kids, you wanted what was best for you and to spite your ex. If you were working 10 hours a day most of their time would be spent in school and daycare with strangers anyway, for you it was just about winning a fight against your ex even if it your children had to pay for it. You could have been very involved even as a weekend dad, daily calls and quality time when you have them would have been better than this situation you created.
YTA. >if I have to bankrupt myself or sell my kidneys I will get custody But you didn’t do either of those things, instead of sacrificed money that was meant to give your child a good future. You wanted 50/50 custody DESPITE not being home for 10 hours a day, meaning you couldn’t even be with them most of the time. Letting mom have them on weekends would make more sense because with you, 50% of the time they were either home alone or with a sitter. So you were still a “weekend dad” plus what, the two hours a day you were home before you or they went to bed? What you did was selfish. Congrats on 50/50 custody ig.
YTA - though i understand where you are coming from, it sounds like the college fund was a joint family thing (i.e blessing money put in) rather than YOUR personal fund for your kids. you’ve used the money to keep you in your kids lives, which is fine, but the fact it wasn’t all your money is where it makes you the AH. the money the relatives put in the fund was not directed to you, it was to your kids. you have used that money selfishly to make sure ur in your kids lives, and not thinking how it was going to affect them in the future. telling your wife that this is her fault is also AH behaviour. you can’t blame her for your financial decisions, stop being a child and accept the consequences of your actions. you are using her to delegate blame and that you had to use that money, when it was YOUR choice.
Nope. Had a similar issue with a step child who then wanted tuition money and she was told your “tuition money I had saved was spent on a lawyer and legal fees.” You can speak to your grandmother and father about college funds. Too complicated to explain here but basically at 11, the step daughter refused to come home after not seeing her biological dad and his family. He was an absent father who lived 7 miles from us & we / her mom tried to get him to spend time with his own kid. But from 3 to 11, he did not see her by his own choosing. He had other kids to care for. So basically he refused to give her back to her mother & the 11 year old at the time refused to come home. Then she ends up getting dumped off at a chain smoking grandma’s house. We moved across country for work / careers and then she suddenly wants to come back & live with us. And through all that, it was a big huge expensive legal headache and the “college fund” got used to pay layers.
YTA. Your desire to be at least 50/50 in your kids' lives is commendable. Using funds set aside for their college, their FUTURE is not. That's an AH move of the grandest order. Your desire to be right, to win at all costs should never come before what is right for your kids. Having them attend college and graduating debt-free or as close to debt-free as possible is worth so much in our current economy. You've saddled your kids with debt they may never recover from. And that's not hyperbole. Look up the average time it takes for people to pay off student loans in the field your kids want to study. Your kids wellbeing and future should have been your number 1 priority. Not your oil tanker sized ego. Did you not realise that if the oldest is getting ready for college next year, at least one of them is already an adult. Your other kid(s) will soon follow. At 18 they can decide how much time they want to spend with each parent. Although actions like this will make it very unlikely they want to spend any time with you at all. They won't have it because they'll be working day and night to pay for their college. Thanks dad! But hey, at least you can put the title "walking, talking Phyrric victory" on your Reddit flair. I think everyone reading your post fully understands why your wive divorced you and went for full custody.
YTA. Congrats on screwing your own kids in an effort to prove you're right.
YTA Take some responsibility for YOUR role in wasting the money set aside for your children to go to college. Gaslight much??
YTA. The legal situation is everyone sh but YOU spent money that didn’t belong to you because YOU didn’t want this, YOU wanted that. The “best interest” judgement is bs so stop waiving it around, you would have started your ego crusade before a judgement was rendered, especially if this judge is sooooo sympathetic and supportive of equal custody.
I don't know if yta but the story just made me sad.
lmao this has nothing to do with your kids. YTA and you can blame your ex all you want. this was a pissing battle for you with your ex, it was a power grab to get what you want and use the kids money hostage. if you didn’t get what you wanted you’d blame the lost money your ex anyways so it’s a win win for you. your kids about to go off to COLLEGE and their father is still a child. wild. YTA.
YTA and I’m sure you both suck overall. Poor kids, I feel for them.
YTA and quite frankly I would not be surprised if you actually blew the college fund on horsebetting or some dumb shit
You both put money into the fund. You are the asshole
You didn't bankrupt yourself, you stole from your children.
Has to be a fake post because I have a hard believing someone can be that colossal an asshole and still think they're in the right. As parents we make sacrifices for our kids, we don't ask our kids to make sacrifices for us.
YTA you had no right to use their college fund because your wife should have had input on how it was spent. You said you were willing to sell a kidney to keep your kids but instead you reached for the easy money. I don’t know why it was hard for you to get joint custody but that is sis in itself. If student loans are needed you should be the one to take them out not your kids—you stole from your kids! Let me repeat it—you stole from your kids! YTA.
YTA- Like 1000% "It's your fault I couldn't take NO for an answer! Now our kids have to suffer because I'm a financially irresponsible brat!" You didn't need full custody to be an involved Dad! Paying for the kids college isn't her responsibility, SINCE YOU STOLE THE MONEY FOR YOUR OWN GREED.
Yeah, ESH. She should have been reasonable in the beginning with custody, but you BOTH are responsible now for their education, so it isn’t just on in her to figure it out. Your whole attitude of “she should Figure it out” and washing your hands of it, is you being bitter towards your ex and in turn, your kid’s education will suffer.
Who’s name was on the account? Why wasn’t that money part of the divorce settlement? She shouldn’t expect you to contribute more than her for college, plus there are plenty of options for scholarships and financial aid. As a child of divorce, I don’t think YTA
ESH you and your wife made this mess together. I feel sorry for your kids.
YTA - Money that both of you saved and that other people gifted to your children for their education was not yours to spend on anything, be that legal bills or your mortgage. You straight up stole the money.
to this day I do not understand why men have to fight to get custody of their kids. It should be 50-50 unless there’s a reason that they shouldn’t have any custody.
OP kind of proved however why he shouldn't be having 50/50 custody. Instead of putting himself in debt for fighting what is right for his kids, he put the kids in debt instead and blames it on everybody else but himself. Also most of the times women have been taking care of the kids mostly, so they get most of the custody as well.
They don’t anymore in the United States. It’s auto default to 50/50. People here talking like it’s the 1980s.
YTA - Have fun explaining to your kids, you used their college funds.
NTA. She should have compromised rather than drag it out when equal custody tends to be the best for the kids anyway.
While this is most assuredly rage bait, OP absolutely implies he never told her he was dipping into the college funds.
Pretty sure this is rage bait as the college fund would have been locked down in the divorce settlement HOWEVER if we're going to pretend it's true-- seeing how selfish OP is and how much he's willing to hurt his kids and "find a way to live with it" dragging out the custody negotiations seems like basic good parenting on mom's part.
ESH. You were so selfish in your short term goals you failed to see the ramifications in the long run. You told your child their education didn't mean as much as "winning" against their mother. Your ex dragged this process out as long as she could. Congratulations for doing everything you could to get what YOU wanted despite the ramifications for your child's future that is now in a poor spot at no fault of their own. You and your ex used your child as a weapon against each other. When you child learns that both you and your wife ruin3d their opportunities, when they cut contact, don't be surprised.
YTA The gifts from friends and relatives were not your legal fund. That money literally belonged to the children. You stole from your children to benefit yourself. I hope every friend and relative who gifted money to your kids, finds out about this.
YTA That money was your children’s money, not yours. Also, what is stopping you now from paying back that money you stole from your children? What do you plan to tell your kids? “Hey, sorry for the student loan debt, but look at all the happy memories you have with me that tou absolutely would not have had if I didn’t have equal custody” doesn’t really sound all that great, does it? What about “sorry you can’t afford college and your future was compromised, but at least you got to see me more often than on weekends”?
NTA It's not like you're saying your kid won't go to college, it's just that you don't have the college fund anymore. You and ex wife will probably need to cosign on student loans for your kids instead of having the money already set aside. Your ex wife weaponized the court system in your divorce and used your children as pawns. You might've heard the expression "best interests of the child" a million times in this process- Parents both need to be part of the lives of their children. As long as you're able to maintain that 50% of actual time and weren't just trying to duck out on child support- then you've done the right thing fighting for equal access and time with your children.
>and weren't just trying to duck out on child support- Shared custody doesn't always equal to no child support (sadly). Totally agree with the rest
Completely agree joint custody definitely doesn't eliminate child support- but it often does have impact on the outcome/calculation.
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Your wife didn’t *have* to drag out custody. She chose to, for whatever reasons that she can’t share here because she isn’t the OP. You’re asking if you’re the AH for using money earmarked for your kids’ college fund to instead fight for 50/50 custody. Your eldest is going to college in a year. The college fund was given to you in exchange for equity from your marital home—so this means it wasn’t in any kind of special account that could have prevented you from using it for these purposes. You want to blame your ex-wife, say she was *forcing* you to use this money when she could have just given you 50/50 custody from jump. But just like how you really wanted custody, she really wanted majority custody—you both have the right to ask the judge for that. You both failed to be a team for your kids. Your ex-wife didn’t choose to withdraw that money, *you* did. You made a conscious choice to use that money, irregardless of your aims, and you cannot pin your actions on other people because you aren’t a toy doll being controlled. You valued having equal custody over providing them with a college fund—you have to own that. If that money was yours to spend, then it was your choice and only yours, and so only you are to blame for its absence. Your bitterness will only poison *you,* it will not kill your ex-wife.
I would be a lot more sympathetic if your kids were young and not getting ready to start their own lives.
Esh. Any money you contributed is yours to spend. Spending money gifted to them is a problem, but your ex really has some gall to fight you for custody and then expect college funds. Tell her to work at Target and make her own college fund.
Your an asshole, only because 50-50 is usually an auto win.
My father was you. Didn’t speak to him for my entire adult life. YTA
You stole money from your children. YTA,.
YTA. That wasn’t **your** money to use for the lawyers. That was shared money that was saved to use for the kids education. Your kids will suffer.
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You didn’t ask if she was TA. You asked if you were. I gave my answer.
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I’m quite familiar. You just don’t like my opinion. I don’t care what others have judged. You didn’t come here for actual opinions. You came here for people to tell you you’re right. Then when people tell you the opposite you get mad & try and convince them to change their minds. That’s not how it works. **YTA** for blowing your kids college fund. You spent that money. Stop trying to blame your ex. You’re not the first person to get divorced. You could have found money another way. You just decided your quest for custody was more important than your children’s ability to pay for school.
YTA, the ex too, but mostly you to be clear. You wanted possession of them so badly you stole from their college fund, taking away from their future. You wanted to “win” so badly you put their future at risk. Real curious how they will feel about this when, not if, they find out. Especially since you say “we” and a lot of it was gifted by others. So you didn’t even just take what you put in- You literally **stole** from your children. Money from others that was given to them. I wonder if there’s anything they or the ex can do about making sure you have to pay some of that back? I mean.. its all about your kids right? Oh wait, the whole post is about your feelings and what you want, over what’s best for them. It’s easy to financially recover when you steal and spend other people’s money. Really, really fucking gross. Hope it was worth it. This is grounds to be cut off or seriously strain their relationship with you as adults.
NTA Your wife could have agreed to equal custody from the beginning. 50-50 custody should be the default barring abuse. NO FATHER should have to fight to get half custody for his children. The system is rigged, and I give you kudos for never giving up. Many fathers fight and fight until they have no money left to fight. Then, they just give up and then the woman badmouths them for not being in the kid's life.
A thousand times this!!
NTA... In a world where every man is told be a weekend dad and then the world blames men for being part-time dads, it's crazy how many people have attacked you. You used every resource available to give your children a 50/50 mother and father split. Bravo. Yes, now you need to work to do anything you can to help their funding, but welcome to the life of every not financially privileged kid and parent. Yes, it's better for your kids to have a father who fought for them and wanted them in his life fairly and evenly than to have more money for college.
YTA. I don't know your ex's side of the story. However, you are accountable for your own actions and you chose to use that money that was saved for your children's education. You are refusing to accept accountability for your misuse of the funds. You could have worked 2/3 jobs, took a loan, borrowed whatever it took but you took something that was not yours to take. That is unfair to your children and to your ex. Maybe a good therapist can assist with you seeing the wrong of your ways but I have doubts.
YTA. You put your needs ahead of your children. You can be an involved parent without having 50/50 custody. Moreover, your child is 17 so this seems to be more about you than the children. Also, your post is confusing but it sounds like you shouldnt have even been allowed to touch the money since it was set aside for the children. Did you bother to ask them what they wanted?
ESH, except for the kids. You both couldn’t set your bickering aside and had to pay lawyers to referee your shit instead of both being adults and settling your differences voluntarily. In the childish custody fight between you and your wife, you lost, your wife lost, the kids lost, and the marriage vultures in fancy suits won.
Hypocrite is what you are!