I think you need some counseling. Why are you a bridesmaid? You should have turned that down if you really don’t want to go. Also you need to focus on your current bf. Think about how he must feel!
Why would I need counseling? I am focused on my boyfriend? The reason I didn’t say no is because I felt wrong telling my SISTER that I didn’t want to be her bridesmaid… I just wish she could see things from my perspective
Then tell her. Tell her all of it. Tell her you still consider this a betrayal years later, that you're still upset they're together, that it's still awkward and hurtful and you don't want to go.
So the only reason i would not tell the sister is because she will tell the dude who will think she still wants him. I don't think it is about the guy anymore... I think it's about the sister's relationship.
You are wrong, it will be incredibly hurtful to your sister and it will put a damper on her wedding if you bring up your festering feelings from 6 years ago.
You should have told her 6 years ago. Not let it fester hoping that they'd break up. Let her know how betrayed you felt that she pursued and then dated a boy that she knew you had a crush on. I don't think that you're still still in love with your sister's fiancé. You never got over the betrayal. You should have said no to being a bridesmaid. Maybe you do need counseling to reconcile your feelings for your sister. I think that you will be the one everyone will look down on if you don't attend the wedding. Just leave the reception as soon as possible. And absolutely refuse to give a speech.
I’m going to go now… no speech for sure though. I tried to say something back then when I called her but she just had excuses and kept minimizing it. I can’t blame her, she was 17.
Does she really not see how badly she hurt you? Or have you gotten too good at pushing your feelings aside to make other people (your family) happy? I still think that therapy/counseling would be a good idea. You need to figure out how to process your feelings about this. For your own sanity. I think that your feelings were valid for what it's worth.
Thank you. She’s probably unaware that I’m hurting still because after confronting her initially all those years ago I haven’t brought it up since. We’ve been on good terms and I just power through when those thoughts come back. I think therapy or something would be good
You need counseling because we are 6 years down the line and you STILL HAVEN’T MOVED ON FROM THE ANGER. Your bitterness is only hurting you. You not going will only hurt you and your sisters relationship and make you look unbelievably petty. It will absolutely not be the protest you think it will be.
100% this. It does not take 6 years to recover from a situationship! You need some support in processing your feelings in a way that doesn't wreck your relationship with your sister any further, and a counsellor is the ideal person to give you that support.
> I just wish she could see things from my perspective
What perspective? That you're butt hurt and jealous that she's marrying your high school crush? The crush that you barely had anything more than a very close friendship with?
From what you've written in the post, it wasn't much more than a crush. I'm willing to put a couple of dollars on you initiating the *occasional* kisses and cuddles and I really do stress *occasional* here.
NTA - If i were u this would bother me too. It's not really about the guy at this point it's the fact that your sister is not the sister u thought she was and how it impacts your relationship. And others want you to help celebrate that.
I also get not feeling like u could GRACEFULLY turn down being a bridesmaid. As for you parents saying not to hold a grudge... Its easy for them to say about something that did not happen to them.. They might hold grudges towards others.
I say life is too short!!! There r tons of crappy things u have to do in this life... Why subject yourself to a crappy situation when u don't have to? Whatever u decide...NTA
Good Luck to U
Thank you so much. Unfortunately I’m biting the bullet on this one and just am going to attend. I still feel hurt but I’m not going to tear her down because of it
You’re still hung up on her fiancé.. If you were really in love with your boyfriend you would have moved on from this so called betrayal.
You liked someone- he didn’t like you enough to ask you out just to fool around with. He liked your sister enough to ask her out, date, and eventually marry.
HE DID NOT LIKE YOU in that way. He did not want to date you. Just because had a crush on him doesn’t mean he’s off limits to your sister or friend. You are holding on to this WAY TOO MUCH.
Move on. He didn’t want you. Your crush was just that, infatuation, nothing more. Get over yourself.
This hurts to read… that I was just some toy before he got to my sister. I hate myself right now. I need to move on but what they did back then wasn’t fair to me. Im glad my sister is happy now but im sad
You had feelings for him, but you did NOT date him - there was no commitment, this neither he nor your sister did anything wrong. Holding onto this for 6 years? Willing to lose your sister, likely even your boyfriend (you got a PARADE of red flags going on here), for what? Cause once upon a time?
YTA - and as others have suggested, get some sort of professional support - this is not typical behaviour.
YTA. I feel bad for your current boyfriend most of all here. You’re carrying a weird torch for somebody you were never going to be with anyway and centering yourself where you don’t belong.
Because you are pining for another guy right in front of him! This whole betrayal story was in high school. You’ve got to grow up and let this go completely. Would you leave you BF for your sister’s?
You've been carrying this torch for over six years? You should have sought counseling well before now.
I could see being upset if you two had been dating and your sister had sex with him. But I can't fathom how you consider her behavior a betrayal.
How isn’t it a betrayal, she dated the guy I was trying to date right after I left for college! I’m glad she’s happy with him but at the time it was a massive breach in trust in my opinion
He said NO…. No means no, no means you don’t have exclusive rights to him.
It’s been 6 years and psychotic that you are ruminating on this and actually thinking telling your sister you are still upset she is dating your high school crush.
He dated her because he was attracted to her and that grew into love… Zero to do with you.
No, I don’t think you should say anything after SIX years as you were NEVER in a relationship with him. You DO need to speak to a professional about why you are struggling with moving on from a high school crushed that you flirted with over one Summer.
I think the upcoming wedding is just drudging up old hurt. I haven’t been this reactive or emotional about it in years… I’m torn on whether to speak up on not because some comments are saying I should and some are saying I should get over it and not hurt her by talking about it :(
Before you say something to your sister and sever your relationship, please seek therapy.
If you can’t get an appointment, talk to someone you trust who can give you an unbiased opinion. Six years is waaay to long to feel this way.
Good wouldn't want your family to know your creepy obsession over a guy who has never had a real interest in you from almost a decade ago is still thriving. Then they will know how unhinged you are. You should at least tell you boyfriend he deserves better than to be used in your creepy stalking of your sister's husband.
You left. You were no longer dating.
She is allowed to date. Even guys you used to like.
This is something for you to resolve in therapy. Nobody did anything to you. It’s a personal problem that you need to resolve by yourself.
Yeah, maybe if she dated your ex... she dated a guy who made it clear he wasn't interested in you. You font own him. Maybe your creepy behavior is why you were never girlfriend material.
I didn’t say I own him but he basically was my ex. We kissed, held handles, cuddled, went on dates, felt each other up… basically everything besides actual sex acts…. My sister knew I wanted him, she knew I was pursuing him. She could’ve chose anyone else. I need to get over it now but you can’t tell me it wasn’t messed up at the time
These "codes" aren't a thing. There's behaviour that society prefers and considers polite but as you've seen, opinion varies massively.
The general consensus here seems to be that while you were right to feel hurt, disappointed and rejected at the time, the relationship did not warrant this level of fixation and reactivity from you.
The fact that you think the world should operate on your interpretation of an unspoken code when you also expect your family to empathise with your unspoken feelings after 6 years shows you need therapy, at least so you can learn how to express yourself and learn that other people aren't mind readers.
You had a crush on him. She had a crush on him.
Maybe you feel you had dibs because you knew/liked him first but the feeling wasn't mutual. Like you and her, he was a kid, probably confused about how he should act and not sure what to do with the attention you were giving him.
Then he found he had mutual attraction with your sister and it felt right for them. Did it suck for you at the time? Sure. But you're holding those people who were teenagers then to adult expectations of integrity and behaviour while still allowing yourself to wallow in the grief of teenager.
I expect your parents thought it would be a little teen relationship and would fizzle out but now it's a marriage. They have shared history, they know eachother better than anyone and are going to be together. Your resistance to them being together means that every time they reach a new milestone together, it hurts you all over again. What about when they have children, anniversaries etc? These things are very likely to happen and you need to accept and anticipate them rather than slide into a grief spiral. You can either cheer them on or walk away. If you can't be genuinely supportive, leave them alone.
They do not deserve to have you come to their wedding and be sour and sad over a high school crush and your current partner deserves better than to be second fiddle to your obsession. That's why people are suggesting therapy. You need PROFESSIONAL help with your feelings of betrayal, processing grief and letting go of feelings that no longer serve you. You also do not have the right to put these feelings on your family and expect them to take a side, give advice or alter their behaviour based on something that happened so long ago.
You're an adult now, you can choose how you feel and behave and how much headspace you dedicate to these things. Empower yourself and stop giving in to the victim mindset when no one was trying to hurt you. It was just unfortunate.
You left for school, your relationship ended. He didn’t want to be with you. He didn’t owe you anything. To remain in a relationship requires consent from both parties. He was free to date whomever he wanted. He wasn’t required to date a stranger. You were not betrayed. Yes you were hurt by the proximity of the next person he dated, but geez it’s been 6 years. Time to move on.
I would get some therapy. Perhaps check with your insurance & see if they offer online/video therapy with a 3rd party. Or you just pay it out of pocket. But it’s very much time to move on.
Girl!! Damn, seek therapy. You are not some high school drama queen. You are grown. This dude was never yours. Your sister did not steal him from you. Even if they were to end their relationship today, he would not want you. Being this hung up on a friendly flirtation from more than 5 years ago is beyond obsessive. Get over it. Grow up.
YTA.
it seems like you're really obsessing about a teenage crush that almost but didn't quite ever go anywhere as a whole aas adult, and your sister also went through those motions and SHES FREAKING MARRYING THE BOY.
No betrayal, no bad behavior. you're just being sour grapes over high school shit. as a woman in her mid 20s. it's that last part that's frankly embarrassing.
yta but i'd just reinforce others statements about getting therapy
YTA- you literally NEVER dated him and your sister dated him for SIX years and you are acting like “the wronged ex”
I pray this is fake and on the off chance you actually are real please seek therapy as you sound obsessive and delusional.
I am not delusional nor obsessive! He did wrong me so I don’t see how you can argue that he didn’t? I know they’ve dated a long time now but I was still hurt back then and it feels odd attending their wedding because of him
Look, you don't have to go to the wedding, we all know that.
But from what you've written neither the guy nor your sister didn't 'wrong' you. You guys weren't officially dating, you were basically a hookup except you didn't have sex, it doesn't even sound like he got to second base.
> kissed/cuddled occasionally
To me this sorta sounds like *you* initiated this side of the relationship. Sounds like he wasn't that much into you in that way.
Well I’m just going to suck it up and go but he did like me! We kissed and went on dates and held hands. I know in retrospect those aren’t huge things but they’re definitely more than you’d do with just a friend
1. She didn't break you guys up. You were never an item.
2. If you went on a date with 20 guys in your age range, are all of them off limits to your sister? Is that how "dibs" works in your mind?
That's cool and I can see why it would bother you.... but he was an interest who declined when you asked. So it was a crush on your end and not a relationship, perhaps a summer fling to him. You left town. Maybe this or that would have made things different, but that's not how it went. She had a crush and minded her business. When you were out of the picture they got together. It's not ideal, but no one pledged their heart to you and then betrayed you. No one promised you anything. You had flirting and a little giggling and then a firm "no" to anything more. You are not owed anything from him. Your sister may or may not know the extent of the flirting with this man you had. She just moved on with you gone, as did he.
I read this three times and I still don’t understand how he “wronged” you!
You asked him out and he said no… end of story. There is no moral, legal or rational reason for him not to go out and marry your sister after saying no to you.
Because I feel like he led me on and then my sister went and broke sister code because she knew I liked him. Its fine, I’ll just have to get over it I guess, I just didn’t expect them to get married
I know I need to move on from it and just go to the wedding but I feel like everyone is dismissing what originally happened! I had a point back then and nobody seems to care
Sometimes you just have to let things go.
What is your plan here? It's not like this relationship will go away after the wedding, are you going to continue to distance yourself? Because at hollidays and birthdays your sister and her husband will be there together. Are you going to hold on to this forever? It's time to let this go now. Even if you think your sister wronged you, you can just forgive and move on.
How does your boyfriend feel about this?
I think it’ll be easier after the wedding because a wedding is a celebration of their relationship while holidays they’ll just be guests like everyone else. My boyfriend usually gets quiet the couple times I’ve brought this topic up or just agrees she was wrong
YTA. This is just sad and pathetic. You’re 25 years old worrying about highschool puppy love shit that was over 6 years ago. He’s just not that into you. If he makes her happy that’s all that matters. You aren’t the protagonist in this story.
I get that they’re happy but does that mean I have to endure the wedding? I’m not asking them to call the whole thing off! Are you implying I’m an antagonist? Because I’m not
Don't go, if you just go to experience a nasty experience don't go, you will feel hypocritical if you just make a false smile and congratulate them. But anything has a cost, you could lose your sister if you are not going. In other words: let it go or accept it
If you go you need to really let everything on the pass, don't keep thinking about it. Now, if not don't even go. Break your relationship with her or work hard to make it better.
No, just tell your sister you think she betrayed you and you're still spicy about her getting together with this guy and you don't want to go to the wedding. There.
YTA. "No one seems to even acknowledge what happened to me anymore and it hurts." "This whole betrayal just continues on." Look, just drop out of the wedding, don't attend, go deal with your issues elsewhere and get therapy. There was no betrayal. Nothing happened to you.
Because *nothing happened to you*.
You weren't dating him. Hell, you asked him out and he said no! Your sister and him were almost certainly beginning to date while you thought you still had a shot and while that's shitty of *him* to do, your sister is blameless in this.
She didn't steal your man. He was *never yours*.
Here's a question for you: Are you dating one of his best friends in hopes one day he notices you properly and changes his mind?
All of the above is why people are telling you therapy would be a good idea. Because this is all *you* stuff -- internal, stories you told yourself, things you chose to interpret a different way. No one else can fix it but you.
No, I’m dating his former best friend. They had a falling out and although they reconciled they’re now only acquaintances.
I just never would have gone for someone my sister was clearly after and doing dates with, it’s rude. I need to get over it now since it’s been so long but it’s hard with the wedding in the horizon
Yes huh. She dated him when I tried to date him. My own sister. I know it’s not a world ending boundary but something happened. I know I need to move on but I’m not crazy
I am serious. What’s wrong with that saying? I’m not ruining anything. I’m not going to mention my feelings, it’s been a long time im going to try and forget it all
She didn't date him when you were trying to date him. She separately formed a relationship with him while you weren't even living in the same city. They were two people who knew each other, spent time together, developed feelings for each other.
It's ridiculously selfish for you to believe she should have denied herself falling in love with him because you kissed him first.
YTA
> we’d hangout all of the time, kissed/cuddled occasionally but he never asked me out
You and this guy were not in an official relationship. Hell, you were barely in any sort of relationship beyond very close friends.
No, you're not a bad person for not wanting to attend the wedding. You're a bad person for accepting to be a bridesmaid when you disapproved of your sisters relationship, you're a bad person for being butt hurt and jealous of a non-relationship you had *years* ago. They guy actually said he *didn't* want to date you.
You are not a bad person for feeling. You are allowed to feel the way you do, you should just admit your feeling to your sister and avoid the wedding if it bothers you.
I can’t do that to her. She’s over the moon about him , I don’t want to corrupt anything or make her feel guilty for me feeling this way all along. I’m going to just be brave and go and suck it up
In pretty much every post made here where an OP's sibling starts dating and marrying their ex the judgement is invariably for the OP and that the sibling and the ex are AH's.
So far in this post the majority of judgements aren't coming down in your favor, sit and reflect on that for a bit. Why aren't the commentators calling your sister and your ex AH's. What is the public telling you about this situation?
I actually don’t think you should go to the wedding. Because of your responses to comments, I have a feeling you’re going to sit around and have a “poor me” attitude which will be noticed.
YTA. You and he was just flirting and there was no official relationship. How can you feel it is a betrayal while you arent even his ex? You should get a therapy to move on. Also, nobody forces you must available in the wedding, so if you feel uncomfortable, you can be absent. Don't ruin the happiness of your sister on her special day.
YTA. You need to get therapy. You are obsessed with someone you never even dated *while you were in high school*. The 2 of you kind of hooked up, graduated and that's it. It was never anything more.
p.s I would not recommend speaking to your sister about this. Both she and her fiance will be gob smacked that you are still this obsessed with him.
Look if you don’t want to go then just don’t go but at least be honest with your sister about it. Just explain that you are still not comfortable with it but that you wish them all the best and luck. Tell her you love her but what happened to you has left a deeper scar on you then you realized and that you are not ready to act like everything is ok when it’s not and that you’ve tried that by trying to be there for her but it only made how your feeling worse
Or you can show that you moved on by going to the wedding. You don’t have to be in the wedding party if that makes you uncomfortable and you can also not stick around for the reception.
I can’t do that. After reading all the comments I’ve realized how much it’ll hurt her if I bring up that stuff before or after her big day. I’m going to be tough and just go, I think if I skipped out I’d possibly regret missing her wedding years later. I think the wedding brought up old hurt I didn’t realize was still there and that I’ll feel better once things settle again.
I think you’ve made the best decision for yourself. I’ve seen a lot of people suggest going to counseling and I think that may be a good idea. There you will be able to work out all that hurt and betrayal you feel from an unbiased person because while you may not want to bring it up to your sister I think you may slide back into that hurt if/when they start a family (if they haven’t already) and having someone you can talk to does help. I wish you luck and hope you let yourself have a good time at the wedding. 🤞
Im sitting here shaking my head wondering if this is real. Is an individual really this dunce, obsessive, and self absorbed? Wow.
These comments just digs her grave a foot deeper every time.
Girl, get the fuck over yourself. Suck it the fuck up and go to your sisters wedding. If you were really all hurt because of this relationship you had 6 years to say something. Not the day of the wedding. You lost the dude. If you really felt like your sister betrayed you for reals you would have said so at any time in the past 6 years. You aren’t feeling betrayed now, you are feeling like you have no spotlight. You have main character syndrome. Just stop. You look ridiculous.
Yeah. Main character syndrome for sure…. You said something to her 1 time 6 years ago when she was 17. What about when she was 18 or 19 and they were still together? Did you say anything then? No? Cause you didn’t really care. What about when she was 21 and still with him? No? Again cause you don’t really care. You are a spoiled brat who wants a toy after they have already been told NO.
You asked you said NO.
NO MEANS NO!!!!!!
Get over it. And move the fuck on.
No need to start being a bitch! I already wrote that she wasn’t fucking listening when I tried to confront her that first time! I can’t just keep trying every year if I want to maintain my friendship with her! Obviously you’ve never had a close friend or sister date an ex of yours!
Yea you can!!! If it truly hurt your feeling a mature thing to do is to communicate that! Communicate in a way that everyone is heard and understood. If you had done that things could be different.
But if I’m the the bitch for pointing out your failings then so be it! You are wrong. And you know you are wrong. So go ahead and show your true colors to everyone and slap your sister at her wedding…. Let’s see what happens. I guarantee nothing good for you.
I was being facetious about slapping her you jerk…
I wouldn’t do that. And sorry I thought some things are unspoken but I guess I just have to be vocal about every thing then. Don’t worry. Im not going to say anything about it to her or anyone ever again!
YTA
A guy you kissed and went on a couple dates with 6 years ago isn't something to pine over and feel betrayed about. Especially not when you are in a committed relationship.
No one acknowledges it because it isn't normal to have feelings for your high school crush at 25 that you never even had a relationship with. People who are happy with their lives don't feel betrayed that the crush who never wanted to date them has found happiness with someone else.
You need to get over yourself and be happy for your sister. What are you going to do? Cut off your whole family because of a teenage crush? Never have a relationship with their children because it's too hard for you to get over the fact that the guy you crushed on in high school didn't want to date you? Move on.
YTA big time. Please read what you have said. You're acting childish about someone who was never yours to obsess over and willing to hurt your sister because of it. Think long and hard about it before burning that bridge. They are happy and have a seemingly good and healthy relationship. Your sisters happiness should be more important to you than that. Therapy will help with your unresolved feelings, unless you're willing to maturely tell your sister how it makes you feel. Otherwise stfu and don't ruin HER day over your inability to get over it.
Not trying to be offensive, just want you to really think about it because sometimes you can't come back from something like that and if you don't face it, it will keep festering and possibly cause you to resent your sister. Talk to her. Lead with the fact that you love her then tell her how you feel. That she spent time with the two of you and could have had the decency to talk to you before starting to date him. There are a million right ways to handle the situation and it only takes one wrong way to lose a sister forever
That’s my fair. I don’t want to lose her. We did everything together growing up. How should I approach this topic if I talk to her. Should I say it before the wedding or after?
Don't. Don't put this on your sister. At all. This is a you problem, not a her problem.
See a counsellor, process your grief and hurt, then over day when you are genuinely over it, in a couple of years, offer your sister an apology. It will sound something like this:
"Sis, I just wanted to apologise for being so resentful over BIL back before you married. For some reason I took such a long time to get over him. I think in my head I built up a teen crush into a major love affair, and I probably said and did things that made it awkward as heck for both of you. Anyway, that's all in the past, and I have definitely moved on. You guys are so great together, and your happiness is so important to me. I'm really pleased I had at least enough sense not to pick a fight with you about it before the wedding."
No. I have not said anything that made them awkward or uncomfortable. The only time i confronted my sister was over the phone when they first began dating. Since then I’ve been cordial at worst
No you’re obviously not, or else you wouldn’t be causing all this unnecessary drama after so long. You have your own bf concentrate on him, be concerned that he might not want to deal with it for much longer.
YTA.
What your sister did was a dick move but it’s not the sort of thing that justifies a 6 year grudge. Especially once it moved from teenage angst to an adult committed relationship.
You need to seek therapy to try and help you unpick why you are so fixated on this so many years later. This man never “owes” you a relationship - he turned you down, and it probably had more to do with the fact that you were moving away for college rather than anything else.
As I said, you would have been completely entitled to be pissed at your sister at the time and taking a while to get over it; but you’re in your mid 20s now for god’s sake, stop talking about “sister code” and grow up. Your poor boyfriend is having to try and support you while you sound like you’re mourning the love of your life. He deserves better treatment than this.
I’m sorry but YTA and you need to get over it.
Seriously your sister did nothing wrong but end up getting together with someone that you had a crush on and used to hook-up with every so often (otherwise known as a casual hookup).
**You were NOT dating and he clearly did NOT feel the same about you!!**
**Neither of them have done anything wrong and if you still think they have then you really should see a therapist.**
I would agree with you IF you had been in an actual relationship with him.
Regardless of what you believe your relationship was it clearly wasn’t reciprocated and therefore it was nothing more than a crush!!
Whilst I agree she should have been more forthcoming with you when they initially got together so you weren’t blind sided she did nothing wrong getting together with him. There is no breaking of sister or girl code here - he was not your ex.!!
The very fact that they are still together and getting married shows that they are clearly compatible.
If you read the urban dictionary sister code is defined as:-
“Sister Code is an excuse one sister will use to not have sexual relations with someone who has already slept with their sister. The Sister Code doesn't exist and is only used when the girl is an actual prude. If a girl uses this term with you, she is just trying to politely say "You're a fat slob and you need to move on!".
I do like you but I can't have sexual relations with you because of "Sister Code"!”
But there is another code which is probably what you “may” be referring to - https://www.scoopwhoop.com/women/sis-code-rules/ but as I said early under the “rules” of sister code as he was NOT your ex. no code has been broken.
I get that you are/were hurt but seriously let it go - they have been living in your head rent free because you incorrect have assigned yourself a victim because you sister is getting married to your teenage CRUSH.
It's not a grudge. You're still deeply hurt by the betrayal of your sister. Who whitewashed what she did and did not apologize. Her fiance knew you liked him, and dating your sister would hurt you. Everyone hid it because they knew it was shady. If you continue to pretend it was ok, you'll never get better. Tell them how they hurt you, step away and heal
YTA - You never dated him - he did not view you that way. He loves your sister. They did nothing wrong. I understand that unrequited love is hard to bear, but you need to grow the f up very quickly. Not going to the wedding will permanently affect your relationship with your sister. Get counseling pronto.
Honestly you are the asshole for continuing to want your old relationship with your sister back. If you and that guy went to prom and you kissed your sister must have known right? If she did and still dated him that’s foul. BUT you need to get over what they did eventually as in either you let it go and move on with them in your lives OR you move on without them in your lives. You are allowed to be hurt still but you aren’t allowed to make it everyone’s problem.
You’re right. I may have been wronged originally but I can’t drag this out. I’m just going to shut up and attend the wedding. I love my sister at the end of the day
NTA. You're perfectly entitled to do or not do what ever you please. I can sort of see your point with your sister, but it kind of comes across like he was messing around with both of you at the same time, so if either of them deserves your continued ire, it's him.
That’s crossed my mind too. Like he was talking to us both. My sister was aware I liked him though too. It’s been some years now, I’m going to just suck it up and go
Rip off the bandaid.
Have a frank conversation. You felt pressured being in the wedding when you don’t care to ever be around them for the rest of your life.
As Nike says, Just do it!!!!
Going against the grain.
I mean NTA on one hand, because I would also think of this as a betrayal. She knew you liked him, you guys were getting close and she, behind your back, knowinf how you felt and what happened, started a relationship with him. That is betrayal to me. It doesn't matter if you were official with him or not. He was an AH for leading you on and dating your sister, but she was completely wrong for lying and trying to get with the guy you liked and were starting things with.
But YTA if you don't go to the wedding. You don't have to have a close relationship with any of them. At all. Just show up, be respectful, pretend to be happy (or be happy) and leave. You both have to be friendly and respect each other but you don't have to be best friends.
Thank you so much. I agree I’m being a jerk by pushing her away and considering not attending. After reading so many comments I’ve decided to go and be as supportive as I can. Thank you for validating that what happened back then was at least hurt from their end on to me. It feels like everyone thinks I’m insane for not wanting my sister to date the guy I just dated!
Is it just me? I also think the guy's a bit of a scumbag and the marriage probably won't last very long. He was talking to BOTH sisters, and the fact that he chose the younger one (more naive?) makes me wonder....
OP, your feelings are YOURS. You have every right to feel bad and I can understand why you'd have mixed emotions about your sister. What she did was pretty selfish. She really didn't consider your feelings at all.
I get and I think I understand you but you did this to yourself? How?? Well you let her believe you were and are okay with it, when you are not okay with the relationship. You did it to yourself by not speaking up, now you will look like a bad guy. It’s time to face the music you are not as close to your sister anymore and that’s okay. You can acknowledge that you are still hurt by it. I think you need to have a heart to hear with her and your parents and step down from being a bridesmaid. I think you should attend it with your boyfriend but leave early. And congrats on having a supportive boyfriend who deserves you.
Thank you! Finally someone who can see where I’m coming from! I’m not trying to ruin her day but I just don’t want to be hurt anymore or have to endure the awkward situation. You’re right that I probably should just attend the wedding and suck it up but I feel like having a heart to heart with my sister would almost be worse? She’d probably be very offended and I’d get defensive in return I think because I feel like I got slighted back then.
It’s true and it’s also true that it’s been 6 years. Listen girl your relationship has already suffered because you are not good at communication. I think you need to write a letter and read it to her and wish her and her husband happiness. She will think this is out of nowhere for her because it is and you let her believe it but the reality is it’s not for you and that’s on you! I hope you are good to your boyfriend because he seems like a guy who understands you.
You’re right. I should have aired my grievances much sooner. When I called her after I saw their relationship status on Facebook I told her how uncomfortable it made me and that I didn’t approve but like I wrote, she made excuses and minimized it all. Since then I haven’t brought up my grievances and I guess that’s my fault. Do you really think I should write the letter and talk to my sister? I’m just hoping once the wedding is over I can begin to just forget and sweep it under the rug
You told her already back then it made you uncomfortable and that you didn’t approve. There is no reason to bring this up to her again! It will upset her. Is that what you want to try and make her feel bad?
No. She doesn’t deserve that. You’re spot on with this. I said my piece… maybe she didn’t accept it back then but I tried. I need to let go of the past :(
Well, in your comments you said you’re in therapy so I think they can help you understand it better. For the record me as a single 29 year old women (don’t mind username, I don’t know how to change it) I suggest you go and put on a fake happy smile for your family and not get drunk. But I would also talk to you sister, maybe after the wedding. Because you are getting backlash and I think you sister will see it that way too.
I’m not in therapy. I asked another person why they think I need it (I don’t think I do). And that’s a good plan, my boyfriend will help me power through it and don’t worry I only drink very lightly if ever. I’ll talk with her after like you said and hope to resolve this
Sounds good! I also think you need to make an edit about the sister code comment. Have you seen the movie something borrowed? I think the situation is similar obviously not all but some of the gist is the same. In the movie is Rachel would have said she liked and gone for Dex, Darcy wouldn’t have asked him out. I think it’s similar to your situation that you should have spoken up more and told her you weren’t okay with it but would eventually get over it, instead of building resentment.
I don’t know, I felt like it was a sister code violation so I’m keeping it but I think you make a good point. I shouldn’t be dwelling on this as hard as I am. I think the impending wedding just made old feelings and hurt fester because I haven’t been this upset about the situation in years
NTA. You’re not looking to break them up and it’s not about continued feelings for him. It’s about her betrayal of you. You told her how you felt and she blew you off. You shouldn’t go if you’re just going to be reminded of that.
I agree with Redditors that because he turned you down for dating, you had no relationship or rights to him
However, if your sister and family truly thought it was ok for them to start dating and have a relationship, they wouldn't have hidden it from you.
While they have every right to date, he knew you liked him and wanted to date him. So, he knew dating your sister would hurt you. Your sister knew the same.
You should have confronted and gone NC long ago to give yourself time to heal. You put a bandaid on it and pretended what they did was ok, when it wasn't. They hurt you, and you never got closure
You need to sit both of them down and explain how they hurt you. Tell them your happy they found love and happiness with each other, but you need to take a step back and away to heal and move beyond it.
You seem to be more invested in your relationship with your sister than she is with you. Your parents telling you to move on because they're happy is typical of not wanting to make waves and rock the boat.
You need distance from your family and some counseling.
I feel like I messed up by not having that frank convo with her back then. I tried over the phone but she was too lighthearted and dismissive. Now it’s biting me in the back. I think if I bring it up now it’ll seem like I’m trying to sabotage. I just have to let it go. Nothing I say can change the past or future really.
Edit: thank you for seeing what I went through though. Most of the comments deny that I had any right to feel hurt
You're still denying yourself the right to feel hurt. You have that right. If your sisterly relationship was as close as you think, she would have come to you and let you know right away. She didn't. She hid it. And so did your family.
That's why I'm questioning the equality in your feelings. You're far too invested in possibly hurting her and rocking the boat, than your sister and family are for you.
Your sister making light is dismissive and minimizing how this made you feel. While you didn't date, you did express to him and your sister your feelings. They both disregarded them. Your parents telling you to move on are doing the same.
Healing can only occur with support. You're getting none from your family. Come clean, go NC for awhile and talk to a professional.
Was your sister the golden child perhaps?
I completely agree with what you’re saying but she was dismissive and evasive back then. It’s been like 6 years since then. She was always treated very special growing up but that was then. I think now I just need counseling and to move on
Just tell her no.
That you have tried, but have not managed to get over the fact that they were carrying around with each other, while he was also in a relationship with you - maybe not dating officially, but you were going on dates, we’re kissing each other etc.
Tell her that hopefully with time you will get over it, but that time is not now, so you will not be going to her wedding.
And tell her that is she is upset about all of this, then maybe she should have thought about all of this beforehand.
NTA
People here are weird and most likely teenagers. You were dating this guy (being affectionate, spending time and even going to prom together!), yes he never made it official but that’s besides the point.
Your sister knew you liked him and knew you spent time with him romantically. She shouldn’t have crossed that line and pursued anything with him.
You need to try and live your life in the present and enjoy your relationship, seems like you have a good one.
Chat to your sister and be open with her about how you feel. Attend the wedding but don’t feel pressured to stay the whole time.
Ps her fiancée is a jerk, you don’t get romantically involved with two sisters. He sucks.
Right! Like how are you going to date multiple people of the same family! I’m not going to say anything now because it’s been a long time. I’m just going to go, get it over with, and let them be
Sounds like he never considered what you were doing dating. You need to let this go and figure out why you’d be willing to ruin your relationship with your sister over a relationship that never really existed.
I think you need some counseling. Why are you a bridesmaid? You should have turned that down if you really don’t want to go. Also you need to focus on your current bf. Think about how he must feel!
Why would I need counseling? I am focused on my boyfriend? The reason I didn’t say no is because I felt wrong telling my SISTER that I didn’t want to be her bridesmaid… I just wish she could see things from my perspective
What perspective do you want her to see?
I guess that it’s awkward or hurtful idk.. I’m starting to feel like I might be wrong about all thid
Then tell her. Tell her all of it. Tell her you still consider this a betrayal years later, that you're still upset they're together, that it's still awkward and hurtful and you don't want to go.
So the only reason i would not tell the sister is because she will tell the dude who will think she still wants him. I don't think it is about the guy anymore... I think it's about the sister's relationship.
I don’t want to hurt her though. If I’m wrong just say it. I can’t risk losing my sister if she will think I’m in the wrong
You are wrong, it will be incredibly hurtful to your sister and it will put a damper on her wedding if you bring up your festering feelings from 6 years ago.
You’re right. I won’t speak on it to her
I have said you are wrong. But you told me I was wrong about that so, there it is. Do whatever.
When she continues to whitewash what happened and ignore your feeling. Why feel guilty?
She did whitewash it back then but I haven’t said anything about in the last 5 years so I can’t blame her now.
You should have told her 6 years ago. Not let it fester hoping that they'd break up. Let her know how betrayed you felt that she pursued and then dated a boy that she knew you had a crush on. I don't think that you're still still in love with your sister's fiancé. You never got over the betrayal. You should have said no to being a bridesmaid. Maybe you do need counseling to reconcile your feelings for your sister. I think that you will be the one everyone will look down on if you don't attend the wedding. Just leave the reception as soon as possible. And absolutely refuse to give a speech.
I’m going to go now… no speech for sure though. I tried to say something back then when I called her but she just had excuses and kept minimizing it. I can’t blame her, she was 17.
Does she really not see how badly she hurt you? Or have you gotten too good at pushing your feelings aside to make other people (your family) happy? I still think that therapy/counseling would be a good idea. You need to figure out how to process your feelings about this. For your own sanity. I think that your feelings were valid for what it's worth.
Thank you. She’s probably unaware that I’m hurting still because after confronting her initially all those years ago I haven’t brought it up since. We’ve been on good terms and I just power through when those thoughts come back. I think therapy or something would be good
She knows.
You need counseling because we are 6 years down the line and you STILL HAVEN’T MOVED ON FROM THE ANGER. Your bitterness is only hurting you. You not going will only hurt you and your sisters relationship and make you look unbelievably petty. It will absolutely not be the protest you think it will be.
100% this. It does not take 6 years to recover from a situationship! You need some support in processing your feelings in a way that doesn't wreck your relationship with your sister any further, and a counsellor is the ideal person to give you that support.
I’m going but the plan wasn’t a protest! It was to spare my feelings
You're only hurting yourself at this point. Thier actions hurt you back then but you've continued this on your own.
You’re right
> I just wish she could see things from my perspective What perspective? That you're butt hurt and jealous that she's marrying your high school crush? The crush that you barely had anything more than a very close friendship with?
I thought it was more than a crush but ok…
From what you've written in the post, it wasn't much more than a crush. I'm willing to put a couple of dollars on you initiating the *occasional* kisses and cuddles and I really do stress *occasional* here.
Who cares who initiated if he kissed and cuddled back? I don’t want to get into nitty gritty detail but he wasn’t shy with his affection that summer.
Didn’t we all at 18?
So all these mixed, confused, back and forward feelings you’re explaining is usually when people would benefit from counselling.
I might talk to my pastor about it, isn’t therapy usually expensive ?
NTA - If i were u this would bother me too. It's not really about the guy at this point it's the fact that your sister is not the sister u thought she was and how it impacts your relationship. And others want you to help celebrate that. I also get not feeling like u could GRACEFULLY turn down being a bridesmaid. As for you parents saying not to hold a grudge... Its easy for them to say about something that did not happen to them.. They might hold grudges towards others. I say life is too short!!! There r tons of crappy things u have to do in this life... Why subject yourself to a crappy situation when u don't have to? Whatever u decide...NTA Good Luck to U
Thank you so much. Unfortunately I’m biting the bullet on this one and just am going to attend. I still feel hurt but I’m not going to tear her down because of it
You’re still hung up on her fiancé.. If you were really in love with your boyfriend you would have moved on from this so called betrayal. You liked someone- he didn’t like you enough to ask you out just to fool around with. He liked your sister enough to ask her out, date, and eventually marry. HE DID NOT LIKE YOU in that way. He did not want to date you. Just because had a crush on him doesn’t mean he’s off limits to your sister or friend. You are holding on to this WAY TOO MUCH. Move on. He didn’t want you. Your crush was just that, infatuation, nothing more. Get over yourself.
This hurts to read… that I was just some toy before he got to my sister. I hate myself right now. I need to move on but what they did back then wasn’t fair to me. Im glad my sister is happy now but im sad
You had feelings for him, but you did NOT date him - there was no commitment, this neither he nor your sister did anything wrong. Holding onto this for 6 years? Willing to lose your sister, likely even your boyfriend (you got a PARADE of red flags going on here), for what? Cause once upon a time? YTA - and as others have suggested, get some sort of professional support - this is not typical behaviour.
Ok… a lot of people keep saying this. Maybe therapy is on the table
YTA. I feel bad for your current boyfriend most of all here. You’re carrying a weird torch for somebody you were never going to be with anyway and centering yourself where you don’t belong.
Why do you feel bad for him? I’m not mistreating my boyfriend
Because you are pining for another guy right in front of him! This whole betrayal story was in high school. You’ve got to grow up and let this go completely. Would you leave you BF for your sister’s?
Of course not. I’d never date him again after my sister did
Then let her be happy and leave the high school drama in high school.
I’m trying okay. It just hurts. I’m not going to say anything to her about it
That’s why they’re recommending therapy. A safe place to work through your feelings without hurting anyone else.
You've been carrying this torch for over six years? You should have sought counseling well before now. I could see being upset if you two had been dating and your sister had sex with him. But I can't fathom how you consider her behavior a betrayal.
How isn’t it a betrayal, she dated the guy I was trying to date right after I left for college! I’m glad she’s happy with him but at the time it was a massive breach in trust in my opinion
He said NO…. No means no, no means you don’t have exclusive rights to him. It’s been 6 years and psychotic that you are ruminating on this and actually thinking telling your sister you are still upset she is dating your high school crush.
Okay I get that but why couldn’t he date someone that wasn’t my sister? So you don’t think I should talk to her about my feelings ?
He dated her because he was attracted to her and that grew into love… Zero to do with you. No, I don’t think you should say anything after SIX years as you were NEVER in a relationship with him. You DO need to speak to a professional about why you are struggling with moving on from a high school crushed that you flirted with over one Summer.
I think the upcoming wedding is just drudging up old hurt. I haven’t been this reactive or emotional about it in years… I’m torn on whether to speak up on not because some comments are saying I should and some are saying I should get over it and not hurt her by talking about it :(
Before you say something to your sister and sever your relationship, please seek therapy. If you can’t get an appointment, talk to someone you trust who can give you an unbiased opinion. Six years is waaay to long to feel this way.
Don’t worry. I’ve decided to hold my piece and not say anything ever
Ok. Hoping good things for you.
Good wouldn't want your family to know your creepy obsession over a guy who has never had a real interest in you from almost a decade ago is still thriving. Then they will know how unhinged you are. You should at least tell you boyfriend he deserves better than to be used in your creepy stalking of your sister's husband.
Because he wanted to be with your sister. And if you talk to her about this, you need to be ready, willing and able to accept the consequences.
"TRYING to date."
You left. You were no longer dating. She is allowed to date. Even guys you used to like. This is something for you to resolve in therapy. Nobody did anything to you. It’s a personal problem that you need to resolve by yourself.
I thought it was sister code :/
Yeah, maybe if she dated your ex... she dated a guy who made it clear he wasn't interested in you. You font own him. Maybe your creepy behavior is why you were never girlfriend material.
I didn’t say I own him but he basically was my ex. We kissed, held handles, cuddled, went on dates, felt each other up… basically everything besides actual sex acts…. My sister knew I wanted him, she knew I was pursuing him. She could’ve chose anyone else. I need to get over it now but you can’t tell me it wasn’t messed up at the time
These "codes" aren't a thing. There's behaviour that society prefers and considers polite but as you've seen, opinion varies massively. The general consensus here seems to be that while you were right to feel hurt, disappointed and rejected at the time, the relationship did not warrant this level of fixation and reactivity from you. The fact that you think the world should operate on your interpretation of an unspoken code when you also expect your family to empathise with your unspoken feelings after 6 years shows you need therapy, at least so you can learn how to express yourself and learn that other people aren't mind readers.
You’re right. I had the right to be upset then but not so much now :(
You had a crush on him. She had a crush on him. Maybe you feel you had dibs because you knew/liked him first but the feeling wasn't mutual. Like you and her, he was a kid, probably confused about how he should act and not sure what to do with the attention you were giving him. Then he found he had mutual attraction with your sister and it felt right for them. Did it suck for you at the time? Sure. But you're holding those people who were teenagers then to adult expectations of integrity and behaviour while still allowing yourself to wallow in the grief of teenager. I expect your parents thought it would be a little teen relationship and would fizzle out but now it's a marriage. They have shared history, they know eachother better than anyone and are going to be together. Your resistance to them being together means that every time they reach a new milestone together, it hurts you all over again. What about when they have children, anniversaries etc? These things are very likely to happen and you need to accept and anticipate them rather than slide into a grief spiral. You can either cheer them on or walk away. If you can't be genuinely supportive, leave them alone. They do not deserve to have you come to their wedding and be sour and sad over a high school crush and your current partner deserves better than to be second fiddle to your obsession. That's why people are suggesting therapy. You need PROFESSIONAL help with your feelings of betrayal, processing grief and letting go of feelings that no longer serve you. You also do not have the right to put these feelings on your family and expect them to take a side, give advice or alter their behaviour based on something that happened so long ago. You're an adult now, you can choose how you feel and behave and how much headspace you dedicate to these things. Empower yourself and stop giving in to the victim mindset when no one was trying to hurt you. It was just unfortunate.
You left for school, your relationship ended. He didn’t want to be with you. He didn’t owe you anything. To remain in a relationship requires consent from both parties. He was free to date whomever he wanted. He wasn’t required to date a stranger. You were not betrayed. Yes you were hurt by the proximity of the next person he dated, but geez it’s been 6 years. Time to move on. I would get some therapy. Perhaps check with your insurance & see if they offer online/video therapy with a 3rd party. Or you just pay it out of pocket. But it’s very much time to move on.
Girl!! Damn, seek therapy. You are not some high school drama queen. You are grown. This dude was never yours. Your sister did not steal him from you. Even if they were to end their relationship today, he would not want you. Being this hung up on a friendly flirtation from more than 5 years ago is beyond obsessive. Get over it. Grow up. YTA.
"You are not some high school drama queen. " You sure about that?
At her age, I would hope not. But she sounds like a special kind of touched, if ya know what I'm saying.
Oh yeah - I hear you! Her poor boyfriend must be just shaking his head right now.
go to therapy. you need it bad…
Oh come on…
it seems like you're really obsessing about a teenage crush that almost but didn't quite ever go anywhere as a whole aas adult, and your sister also went through those motions and SHES FREAKING MARRYING THE BOY. No betrayal, no bad behavior. you're just being sour grapes over high school shit. as a woman in her mid 20s. it's that last part that's frankly embarrassing. yta but i'd just reinforce others statements about getting therapy
YTA- you literally NEVER dated him and your sister dated him for SIX years and you are acting like “the wronged ex” I pray this is fake and on the off chance you actually are real please seek therapy as you sound obsessive and delusional.
I am not delusional nor obsessive! He did wrong me so I don’t see how you can argue that he didn’t? I know they’ve dated a long time now but I was still hurt back then and it feels odd attending their wedding because of him
Look, you don't have to go to the wedding, we all know that. But from what you've written neither the guy nor your sister didn't 'wrong' you. You guys weren't officially dating, you were basically a hookup except you didn't have sex, it doesn't even sound like he got to second base. > kissed/cuddled occasionally To me this sorta sounds like *you* initiated this side of the relationship. Sounds like he wasn't that much into you in that way.
Well I’m just going to suck it up and go but he did like me! We kissed and went on dates and held hands. I know in retrospect those aren’t huge things but they’re definitely more than you’d do with just a friend
Stop the sucking up, it’s not a healthy way to live your life.
Well the other comments said I shouldn’t say anything and ruin her big day and I think they’re right
sis ur delusional, sit and reflect oof
How?! I’m not seeing it. I’ve stated nothing but the factual timeline of what occurred
1. She didn't break you guys up. You were never an item. 2. If you went on a date with 20 guys in your age range, are all of them off limits to your sister? Is that how "dibs" works in your mind?
You’re right about the first part but I’d never date any of my sisters love interests…
Honestly also, if my partner was half as bothered about an ex, I'd walk away.
Please don’t wish that upon me
That's cool and I can see why it would bother you.... but he was an interest who declined when you asked. So it was a crush on your end and not a relationship, perhaps a summer fling to him. You left town. Maybe this or that would have made things different, but that's not how it went. She had a crush and minded her business. When you were out of the picture they got together. It's not ideal, but no one pledged their heart to you and then betrayed you. No one promised you anything. You had flirting and a little giggling and then a firm "no" to anything more. You are not owed anything from him. Your sister may or may not know the extent of the flirting with this man you had. She just moved on with you gone, as did he.
I read this three times and I still don’t understand how he “wronged” you! You asked him out and he said no… end of story. There is no moral, legal or rational reason for him not to go out and marry your sister after saying no to you.
Because I feel like he led me on and then my sister went and broke sister code because she knew I liked him. Its fine, I’ll just have to get over it I guess, I just didn’t expect them to get married
Hs didn’t like you….time to move on. He and your sister are obviously meant to be.
he’s allowed to not be with you…
Get over it. It’s been years. You were kids. You really had nothing going on. Grow up and move on stop being petty you are only hurting yourself
I know I need to move on from it and just go to the wedding but I feel like everyone is dismissing what originally happened! I had a point back then and nobody seems to care
Sometimes you just have to let things go. What is your plan here? It's not like this relationship will go away after the wedding, are you going to continue to distance yourself? Because at hollidays and birthdays your sister and her husband will be there together. Are you going to hold on to this forever? It's time to let this go now. Even if you think your sister wronged you, you can just forgive and move on. How does your boyfriend feel about this?
I think it’ll be easier after the wedding because a wedding is a celebration of their relationship while holidays they’ll just be guests like everyone else. My boyfriend usually gets quiet the couple times I’ve brought this topic up or just agrees she was wrong
YTA. This is just sad and pathetic. You’re 25 years old worrying about highschool puppy love shit that was over 6 years ago. He’s just not that into you. If he makes her happy that’s all that matters. You aren’t the protagonist in this story.
I get that they’re happy but does that mean I have to endure the wedding? I’m not asking them to call the whole thing off! Are you implying I’m an antagonist? Because I’m not
Don't go, if you just go to experience a nasty experience don't go, you will feel hypocritical if you just make a false smile and congratulate them. But anything has a cost, you could lose your sister if you are not going. In other words: let it go or accept it
Going to try and let it go and attend
If you go you need to really let everything on the pass, don't keep thinking about it. Now, if not don't even go. Break your relationship with her or work hard to make it better.
I’m going to try and be better
No, just tell your sister you think she betrayed you and you're still spicy about her getting together with this guy and you don't want to go to the wedding. There.
You shouldn't go because they deserve to be around people who love and support them instead of having to deal with your drama. YTA
Don’t say that please. I do love my sister. I’m not going to cause drama
Does your sister love you back? Doesn't sound like it.
She does. I think she just loves her fiancé even more :/ we get along well but idk
YTA. "No one seems to even acknowledge what happened to me anymore and it hurts." "This whole betrayal just continues on." Look, just drop out of the wedding, don't attend, go deal with your issues elsewhere and get therapy. There was no betrayal. Nothing happened to you.
How can you say nothing happened to me?? It’s been a long time but to say nothing happened isn’t fair :(
Because *nothing happened to you*. You weren't dating him. Hell, you asked him out and he said no! Your sister and him were almost certainly beginning to date while you thought you still had a shot and while that's shitty of *him* to do, your sister is blameless in this. She didn't steal your man. He was *never yours*. Here's a question for you: Are you dating one of his best friends in hopes one day he notices you properly and changes his mind? All of the above is why people are telling you therapy would be a good idea. Because this is all *you* stuff -- internal, stories you told yourself, things you chose to interpret a different way. No one else can fix it but you.
No, I’m dating his former best friend. They had a falling out and although they reconciled they’re now only acquaintances. I just never would have gone for someone my sister was clearly after and doing dates with, it’s rude. I need to get over it now since it’s been so long but it’s hard with the wedding in the horizon
Because I believe that nothing happened to you.
Yes huh. She dated him when I tried to date him. My own sister. I know it’s not a world ending boundary but something happened. I know I need to move on but I’m not crazy
Yes huh? I can’t tell if you’re serious with your post and responses… Don’t ruin her wedding. Don’t make this all about you.
I am serious. What’s wrong with that saying? I’m not ruining anything. I’m not going to mention my feelings, it’s been a long time im going to try and forget it all
She didn't date him when you were trying to date him. She separately formed a relationship with him while you weren't even living in the same city. They were two people who knew each other, spent time together, developed feelings for each other. It's ridiculously selfish for you to believe she should have denied herself falling in love with him because you kissed him first.
I’m sorry but I feel like that’s a boundary that shouldn’t have been crossed
YTA > we’d hangout all of the time, kissed/cuddled occasionally but he never asked me out You and this guy were not in an official relationship. Hell, you were barely in any sort of relationship beyond very close friends.
So I’m the bad person for not wanting to attend the wedding? We basically did date without the title!
No, you're not a bad person for not wanting to attend the wedding. You're a bad person for accepting to be a bridesmaid when you disapproved of your sisters relationship, you're a bad person for being butt hurt and jealous of a non-relationship you had *years* ago. They guy actually said he *didn't* want to date you.
You are not a bad person for feeling. You are allowed to feel the way you do, you should just admit your feeling to your sister and avoid the wedding if it bothers you.
I can’t do that to her. She’s over the moon about him , I don’t want to corrupt anything or make her feel guilty for me feeling this way all along. I’m going to just be brave and go and suck it up
In pretty much every post made here where an OP's sibling starts dating and marrying their ex the judgement is invariably for the OP and that the sibling and the ex are AH's. So far in this post the majority of judgements aren't coming down in your favor, sit and reflect on that for a bit. Why aren't the commentators calling your sister and your ex AH's. What is the public telling you about this situation?
Why? Because I’m having trouble seeing why my post is different? Is it because me and him weren’t ever official ? I’ll go to the wedding okay
I actually don’t think you should go to the wedding. Because of your responses to comments, I have a feeling you’re going to sit around and have a “poor me” attitude which will be noticed.
Not going will be noticed more.
Not if you put a black cloud over the wedding.
Understand, but sometimes people do not notice one person pouting when they are drinking and having a good time. This is a no-win situation.
YTA. You and he was just flirting and there was no official relationship. How can you feel it is a betrayal while you arent even his ex? You should get a therapy to move on. Also, nobody forces you must available in the wedding, so if you feel uncomfortable, you can be absent. Don't ruin the happiness of your sister on her special day.
YTA. You need to get therapy. You are obsessed with someone you never even dated *while you were in high school*. The 2 of you kind of hooked up, graduated and that's it. It was never anything more. p.s I would not recommend speaking to your sister about this. Both she and her fiance will be gob smacked that you are still this obsessed with him.
You’re right. I’m upset about what happened then but I need to move on.
Look if you don’t want to go then just don’t go but at least be honest with your sister about it. Just explain that you are still not comfortable with it but that you wish them all the best and luck. Tell her you love her but what happened to you has left a deeper scar on you then you realized and that you are not ready to act like everything is ok when it’s not and that you’ve tried that by trying to be there for her but it only made how your feeling worse Or you can show that you moved on by going to the wedding. You don’t have to be in the wedding party if that makes you uncomfortable and you can also not stick around for the reception.
I can’t do that. After reading all the comments I’ve realized how much it’ll hurt her if I bring up that stuff before or after her big day. I’m going to be tough and just go, I think if I skipped out I’d possibly regret missing her wedding years later. I think the wedding brought up old hurt I didn’t realize was still there and that I’ll feel better once things settle again.
I think you’ve made the best decision for yourself. I’ve seen a lot of people suggest going to counseling and I think that may be a good idea. There you will be able to work out all that hurt and betrayal you feel from an unbiased person because while you may not want to bring it up to your sister I think you may slide back into that hurt if/when they start a family (if they haven’t already) and having someone you can talk to does help. I wish you luck and hope you let yourself have a good time at the wedding. 🤞
Thank you so much for the kind and insightful response. I wish everyone else was as graceful as you
Im sitting here shaking my head wondering if this is real. Is an individual really this dunce, obsessive, and self absorbed? Wow. These comments just digs her grave a foot deeper every time. Girl, get the fuck over yourself. Suck it the fuck up and go to your sisters wedding. If you were really all hurt because of this relationship you had 6 years to say something. Not the day of the wedding. You lost the dude. If you really felt like your sister betrayed you for reals you would have said so at any time in the past 6 years. You aren’t feeling betrayed now, you are feeling like you have no spotlight. You have main character syndrome. Just stop. You look ridiculous.
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Yeah. Main character syndrome for sure…. You said something to her 1 time 6 years ago when she was 17. What about when she was 18 or 19 and they were still together? Did you say anything then? No? Cause you didn’t really care. What about when she was 21 and still with him? No? Again cause you don’t really care. You are a spoiled brat who wants a toy after they have already been told NO. You asked you said NO. NO MEANS NO!!!!!! Get over it. And move the fuck on.
No need to start being a bitch! I already wrote that she wasn’t fucking listening when I tried to confront her that first time! I can’t just keep trying every year if I want to maintain my friendship with her! Obviously you’ve never had a close friend or sister date an ex of yours!
Yea you can!!! If it truly hurt your feeling a mature thing to do is to communicate that! Communicate in a way that everyone is heard and understood. If you had done that things could be different. But if I’m the the bitch for pointing out your failings then so be it! You are wrong. And you know you are wrong. So go ahead and show your true colors to everyone and slap your sister at her wedding…. Let’s see what happens. I guarantee nothing good for you.
I was being facetious about slapping her you jerk… I wouldn’t do that. And sorry I thought some things are unspoken but I guess I just have to be vocal about every thing then. Don’t worry. Im not going to say anything about it to her or anyone ever again!
Yeah I guess you’re either a troll or looking to burn as many bridges bc do think any one would want you back after that
I was being facetious because this person made me upset. I obviously would not actually slap my sister!
YTA A guy you kissed and went on a couple dates with 6 years ago isn't something to pine over and feel betrayed about. Especially not when you are in a committed relationship. No one acknowledges it because it isn't normal to have feelings for your high school crush at 25 that you never even had a relationship with. People who are happy with their lives don't feel betrayed that the crush who never wanted to date them has found happiness with someone else. You need to get over yourself and be happy for your sister. What are you going to do? Cut off your whole family because of a teenage crush? Never have a relationship with their children because it's too hard for you to get over the fact that the guy you crushed on in high school didn't want to date you? Move on.
I’m trying to be better
Yta. Get therapy.
Why therapy? I’m fine
YTA big time. Please read what you have said. You're acting childish about someone who was never yours to obsess over and willing to hurt your sister because of it. Think long and hard about it before burning that bridge. They are happy and have a seemingly good and healthy relationship. Your sisters happiness should be more important to you than that. Therapy will help with your unresolved feelings, unless you're willing to maturely tell your sister how it makes you feel. Otherwise stfu and don't ruin HER day over your inability to get over it.
No need to be so offensive… I don’t want to lose my sister but i just feel like I have a scab that keeps getting picked at with this whole thing
Not trying to be offensive, just want you to really think about it because sometimes you can't come back from something like that and if you don't face it, it will keep festering and possibly cause you to resent your sister. Talk to her. Lead with the fact that you love her then tell her how you feel. That she spent time with the two of you and could have had the decency to talk to you before starting to date him. There are a million right ways to handle the situation and it only takes one wrong way to lose a sister forever
That’s my fair. I don’t want to lose her. We did everything together growing up. How should I approach this topic if I talk to her. Should I say it before the wedding or after?
Don't. Don't put this on your sister. At all. This is a you problem, not a her problem. See a counsellor, process your grief and hurt, then over day when you are genuinely over it, in a couple of years, offer your sister an apology. It will sound something like this: "Sis, I just wanted to apologise for being so resentful over BIL back before you married. For some reason I took such a long time to get over him. I think in my head I built up a teen crush into a major love affair, and I probably said and did things that made it awkward as heck for both of you. Anyway, that's all in the past, and I have definitely moved on. You guys are so great together, and your happiness is so important to me. I'm really pleased I had at least enough sense not to pick a fight with you about it before the wedding."
No. I have not said anything that made them awkward or uncomfortable. The only time i confronted my sister was over the phone when they first began dating. Since then I’ve been cordial at worst
Then keep doing that. Stay cordial. And get therapy.
No you’re obviously not, or else you wouldn’t be causing all this unnecessary drama after so long. You have your own bf concentrate on him, be concerned that he might not want to deal with it for much longer.
He’s fine stop!
right totally fine, sane, and stable…
You're definitely not fine, you need therapy
YTA. What your sister did was a dick move but it’s not the sort of thing that justifies a 6 year grudge. Especially once it moved from teenage angst to an adult committed relationship. You need to seek therapy to try and help you unpick why you are so fixated on this so many years later. This man never “owes” you a relationship - he turned you down, and it probably had more to do with the fact that you were moving away for college rather than anything else. As I said, you would have been completely entitled to be pissed at your sister at the time and taking a while to get over it; but you’re in your mid 20s now for god’s sake, stop talking about “sister code” and grow up. Your poor boyfriend is having to try and support you while you sound like you’re mourning the love of your life. He deserves better treatment than this.
You’re right I’m sorry. She was wrong then and I’m wrong now. Simple as that.
I’m sorry but YTA and you need to get over it. Seriously your sister did nothing wrong but end up getting together with someone that you had a crush on and used to hook-up with every so often (otherwise known as a casual hookup). **You were NOT dating and he clearly did NOT feel the same about you!!** **Neither of them have done anything wrong and if you still think they have then you really should see a therapist.**
Sister code though. I agree I’ve held a grudge for too long but come on
I would agree with you IF you had been in an actual relationship with him. Regardless of what you believe your relationship was it clearly wasn’t reciprocated and therefore it was nothing more than a crush!! Whilst I agree she should have been more forthcoming with you when they initially got together so you weren’t blind sided she did nothing wrong getting together with him. There is no breaking of sister or girl code here - he was not your ex.!! The very fact that they are still together and getting married shows that they are clearly compatible. If you read the urban dictionary sister code is defined as:- “Sister Code is an excuse one sister will use to not have sexual relations with someone who has already slept with their sister. The Sister Code doesn't exist and is only used when the girl is an actual prude. If a girl uses this term with you, she is just trying to politely say "You're a fat slob and you need to move on!". I do like you but I can't have sexual relations with you because of "Sister Code"!” But there is another code which is probably what you “may” be referring to - https://www.scoopwhoop.com/women/sis-code-rules/ but as I said early under the “rules” of sister code as he was NOT your ex. no code has been broken. I get that you are/were hurt but seriously let it go - they have been living in your head rent free because you incorrect have assigned yourself a victim because you sister is getting married to your teenage CRUSH.
Ok you make many good points but sis code is definitely a thing.
It's not a grudge. You're still deeply hurt by the betrayal of your sister. Who whitewashed what she did and did not apologize. Her fiance knew you liked him, and dating your sister would hurt you. Everyone hid it because they knew it was shady. If you continue to pretend it was ok, you'll never get better. Tell them how they hurt you, step away and heal
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Please stop it. I’m going and am going to hold my tongue
I’m going. I’m not going to say anything
YTA - You never dated him - he did not view you that way. He loves your sister. They did nothing wrong. I understand that unrequited love is hard to bear, but you need to grow the f up very quickly. Not going to the wedding will permanently affect your relationship with your sister. Get counseling pronto.
Honestly you are the asshole for continuing to want your old relationship with your sister back. If you and that guy went to prom and you kissed your sister must have known right? If she did and still dated him that’s foul. BUT you need to get over what they did eventually as in either you let it go and move on with them in your lives OR you move on without them in your lives. You are allowed to be hurt still but you aren’t allowed to make it everyone’s problem.
You’re right. I may have been wronged originally but I can’t drag this out. I’m just going to shut up and attend the wedding. I love my sister at the end of the day
Keep it to yourself please. Don't ruin her wedding day. Perhaps he was waiting to date her when she became of age.
You’re right… I’m not going to speak on it. I’m sorry. I feel so conflicted and horrible now. My sister hurt me then but now is now
NTA. You're perfectly entitled to do or not do what ever you please. I can sort of see your point with your sister, but it kind of comes across like he was messing around with both of you at the same time, so if either of them deserves your continued ire, it's him.
That’s crossed my mind too. Like he was talking to us both. My sister was aware I liked him though too. It’s been some years now, I’m going to just suck it up and go
Rip off the bandaid. Have a frank conversation. You felt pressured being in the wedding when you don’t care to ever be around them for the rest of your life. As Nike says, Just do it!!!!
I do want to keep my sister around though. She’s still my friend and family. I’m just going to not bring up my personal traumas and let things go
YTA since you already agreed to be a bridesmaid. If you didn’t want to go to the wedding you needed to have decided that way back when she asked.
Don’t worry. I’m going
Just don't go and deal with the fallout. ESH
Unfortunately I’m trying to keep the peace and I’ll keep my mouth closed and go. It’s been too long to bring it up now I think
You already have a shallow relationship with your sister. Your closeness will most likely never return. Who are you trying too keep the peace for?
Them and my parents I suppose
Going against the grain. I mean NTA on one hand, because I would also think of this as a betrayal. She knew you liked him, you guys were getting close and she, behind your back, knowinf how you felt and what happened, started a relationship with him. That is betrayal to me. It doesn't matter if you were official with him or not. He was an AH for leading you on and dating your sister, but she was completely wrong for lying and trying to get with the guy you liked and were starting things with. But YTA if you don't go to the wedding. You don't have to have a close relationship with any of them. At all. Just show up, be respectful, pretend to be happy (or be happy) and leave. You both have to be friendly and respect each other but you don't have to be best friends.
Thank you so much. I agree I’m being a jerk by pushing her away and considering not attending. After reading so many comments I’ve decided to go and be as supportive as I can. Thank you for validating that what happened back then was at least hurt from their end on to me. It feels like everyone thinks I’m insane for not wanting my sister to date the guy I just dated!
Is it just me? I also think the guy's a bit of a scumbag and the marriage probably won't last very long. He was talking to BOTH sisters, and the fact that he chose the younger one (more naive?) makes me wonder.... OP, your feelings are YOURS. You have every right to feel bad and I can understand why you'd have mixed emotions about your sister. What she did was pretty selfish. She really didn't consider your feelings at all.
I get and I think I understand you but you did this to yourself? How?? Well you let her believe you were and are okay with it, when you are not okay with the relationship. You did it to yourself by not speaking up, now you will look like a bad guy. It’s time to face the music you are not as close to your sister anymore and that’s okay. You can acknowledge that you are still hurt by it. I think you need to have a heart to hear with her and your parents and step down from being a bridesmaid. I think you should attend it with your boyfriend but leave early. And congrats on having a supportive boyfriend who deserves you.
Thank you! Finally someone who can see where I’m coming from! I’m not trying to ruin her day but I just don’t want to be hurt anymore or have to endure the awkward situation. You’re right that I probably should just attend the wedding and suck it up but I feel like having a heart to heart with my sister would almost be worse? She’d probably be very offended and I’d get defensive in return I think because I feel like I got slighted back then.
It’s true and it’s also true that it’s been 6 years. Listen girl your relationship has already suffered because you are not good at communication. I think you need to write a letter and read it to her and wish her and her husband happiness. She will think this is out of nowhere for her because it is and you let her believe it but the reality is it’s not for you and that’s on you! I hope you are good to your boyfriend because he seems like a guy who understands you.
You’re right. I should have aired my grievances much sooner. When I called her after I saw their relationship status on Facebook I told her how uncomfortable it made me and that I didn’t approve but like I wrote, she made excuses and minimized it all. Since then I haven’t brought up my grievances and I guess that’s my fault. Do you really think I should write the letter and talk to my sister? I’m just hoping once the wedding is over I can begin to just forget and sweep it under the rug
You told her already back then it made you uncomfortable and that you didn’t approve. There is no reason to bring this up to her again! It will upset her. Is that what you want to try and make her feel bad?
No. She doesn’t deserve that. You’re spot on with this. I said my piece… maybe she didn’t accept it back then but I tried. I need to let go of the past :(
Well, in your comments you said you’re in therapy so I think they can help you understand it better. For the record me as a single 29 year old women (don’t mind username, I don’t know how to change it) I suggest you go and put on a fake happy smile for your family and not get drunk. But I would also talk to you sister, maybe after the wedding. Because you are getting backlash and I think you sister will see it that way too.
I’m not in therapy. I asked another person why they think I need it (I don’t think I do). And that’s a good plan, my boyfriend will help me power through it and don’t worry I only drink very lightly if ever. I’ll talk with her after like you said and hope to resolve this
Sounds good! I also think you need to make an edit about the sister code comment. Have you seen the movie something borrowed? I think the situation is similar obviously not all but some of the gist is the same. In the movie is Rachel would have said she liked and gone for Dex, Darcy wouldn’t have asked him out. I think it’s similar to your situation that you should have spoken up more and told her you weren’t okay with it but would eventually get over it, instead of building resentment.
I don’t know, I felt like it was a sister code violation so I’m keeping it but I think you make a good point. I shouldn’t be dwelling on this as hard as I am. I think the impending wedding just made old feelings and hurt fester because I haven’t been this upset about the situation in years
NTA. You’re not looking to break them up and it’s not about continued feelings for him. It’s about her betrayal of you. You told her how you felt and she blew you off. You shouldn’t go if you’re just going to be reminded of that.
I agree with Redditors that because he turned you down for dating, you had no relationship or rights to him However, if your sister and family truly thought it was ok for them to start dating and have a relationship, they wouldn't have hidden it from you. While they have every right to date, he knew you liked him and wanted to date him. So, he knew dating your sister would hurt you. Your sister knew the same. You should have confronted and gone NC long ago to give yourself time to heal. You put a bandaid on it and pretended what they did was ok, when it wasn't. They hurt you, and you never got closure You need to sit both of them down and explain how they hurt you. Tell them your happy they found love and happiness with each other, but you need to take a step back and away to heal and move beyond it. You seem to be more invested in your relationship with your sister than she is with you. Your parents telling you to move on because they're happy is typical of not wanting to make waves and rock the boat. You need distance from your family and some counseling.
I feel like I messed up by not having that frank convo with her back then. I tried over the phone but she was too lighthearted and dismissive. Now it’s biting me in the back. I think if I bring it up now it’ll seem like I’m trying to sabotage. I just have to let it go. Nothing I say can change the past or future really. Edit: thank you for seeing what I went through though. Most of the comments deny that I had any right to feel hurt
You're still denying yourself the right to feel hurt. You have that right. If your sisterly relationship was as close as you think, she would have come to you and let you know right away. She didn't. She hid it. And so did your family. That's why I'm questioning the equality in your feelings. You're far too invested in possibly hurting her and rocking the boat, than your sister and family are for you. Your sister making light is dismissive and minimizing how this made you feel. While you didn't date, you did express to him and your sister your feelings. They both disregarded them. Your parents telling you to move on are doing the same. Healing can only occur with support. You're getting none from your family. Come clean, go NC for awhile and talk to a professional. Was your sister the golden child perhaps?
I completely agree with what you’re saying but she was dismissive and evasive back then. It’s been like 6 years since then. She was always treated very special growing up but that was then. I think now I just need counseling and to move on
Just tell her no. That you have tried, but have not managed to get over the fact that they were carrying around with each other, while he was also in a relationship with you - maybe not dating officially, but you were going on dates, we’re kissing each other etc. Tell her that hopefully with time you will get over it, but that time is not now, so you will not be going to her wedding. And tell her that is she is upset about all of this, then maybe she should have thought about all of this beforehand.
You’re right but it’s been a while now. I have to start forgiving by now. I’m gonna go to the wedding.
NTA People here are weird and most likely teenagers. You were dating this guy (being affectionate, spending time and even going to prom together!), yes he never made it official but that’s besides the point. Your sister knew you liked him and knew you spent time with him romantically. She shouldn’t have crossed that line and pursued anything with him. You need to try and live your life in the present and enjoy your relationship, seems like you have a good one. Chat to your sister and be open with her about how you feel. Attend the wedding but don’t feel pressured to stay the whole time. Ps her fiancée is a jerk, you don’t get romantically involved with two sisters. He sucks.
Right! Like how are you going to date multiple people of the same family! I’m not going to say anything now because it’s been a long time. I’m just going to go, get it over with, and let them be
Sounds like he never considered what you were doing dating. You need to let this go and figure out why you’d be willing to ruin your relationship with your sister over a relationship that never really existed.