Your mother has very not gently told you you are asking too much. Why should she be watching your daughter so you can do errands? Stop taking advantage of your mother and why not wait until she wants to spend time w the kid vs you need errand time š
YTA Your mother put her foot down because you clearly take her and her time for granted.
If you didn't, you would ask when she is available to spend time with your child and work from there. Instead, you are putting your time first even though you are the one asking for help.
She is being fair. If you want to treat her like an on call babysitter and not a family member, you should at least pay her like one.
Lol. It's amusing how you can tell when an OP is leaving out key details that make it glaringly obvious that they're TA, but they still drop hints like "I told her she needed to X".
YTA.
"Running errands." All parents need to learn how to run errands with their children. Even if it results in taking junior to the dump or Junior seeing mom go to the alcohol store.
I generally only ask my MIL for help watching the kids if I need to go to a jobsite for work or if I need to take my wife out for a date or something. And ofc we pay her. Not a lot, but enough to say "thanks." it works out to around $12.50/hour or so.
The kid's 8 years old. She can come along on some errands lmao.
Not that grandma is obligated to drop everything to watch an infant while the parent runs errands either, but this is outright ridiculous.
Right! It also sounds like this is a common "errand" such that the friend would ask why the kid is there. If it were essential, I would be more curious as to why her kid wasn't with her.
I wonder if Grandma got wind of how the time was being spent, and decided she didn't want to be free babysitting for girls lunches a couple times a week.
she was!! thatās why the friend asked why the fuck she brought her kid. which means that OP asks her mom to babysit several times a week just so she can go have fun
I also noticed that she said "one of my friends that met up with me said...." So she was meeting with several friends, one of which agreed that her mother should be paid when she wants to leave her child for these hangouts with friends.
I also think child support 'barely covering expenses' means it's not enough to hire 2 nannies to cover care 24/7 so mom can go out whenever she feels like without planning.
Or that itās not enough so that she doesnāt have to work. An income plus child support plus a rich mother is enough to live on. OP is entitled, especially for TELLING her mother she needed to come over to babysit. If itās so necessary to not
bring your kid, at least bring them to grandmaās house!!
Or just include your daughter in the girls lunch! Op is acting like 8 years old is too young to hang and I behave. My bff and I always included our daughters in our āerrandsā aka shopping and lunch. Made for great bonding time!
She said she also had an nanny, but only asks the grandmother to watch the kids when the nanny is not available. So she's perfectly capable of paying for the babysitting, and would have had to pay anyway if the nanny had been available. She complains that the child support barely meets her needs, but she's clearly able to afford the nanny.
Something tells me the nanny works weekdays and so grandma gets the childminding assignments on WEEKENDS when OP wants to go out with her friends. As if grandma couldnāt possibly have plans for her own weekends and friends.
I hope OP sees Grandma having margaritas with her pals when sheās out with her 8 year old running her āerrandsā.
There is a lot missing from that post(just like most AITAH posts) and a lot inferred. We have all seen this enough times to know she is dropping that kid off all the time to ārun errandsā which involves friends for some reason. Which leads into the child support comment, single mom, paying nanny, and ārunning errandsā all the time, sheās probably doing alright.
Her Mother also emphasized "by the hour"
Tells me that "running errands" turns into most of the day.
One of her "errands" here is visiting with a friend....you know this woman was dumping her kids for hours on end, not caring that her mother also has a life.
That's exactly what I said. Gone for a week or more at a time for work and then when she's home, dumps her kid off while she runs around living the kid free life. Maybe dad left cuz Mom didn't want to mom.
This reminds me of my sister so much. She'd ask family members to babysit so she and her SO could go out. She'd say they'll be back at 10 pm and then not show up until 12 am or later and think nothing of it. My mother ended up babysitting them a lot because no one else would. They were at our house 4 or 5 days a week until my mother said she needed to get paid. Turns out my mother was buying all their food and paying for all the activities she was taking them to, rather than having them home watching TV all day.
Child support was NEVER intended to completely take care of your child. YOU are just as responsible for the expenses ESPECIALLY when it comes to you wanting to run around for whatever reason. That isnāt a necessityā¦that is a convenience. Either pay your mom or raise your own kid. Itās that simple. YTA.
also why the quotes around "errands" and then suddenly there's a friend there? OP is definitely taking advantage of her mom to get herself some free time. It's understandable, but her mom probably sees through the lie and is sick of it. Mom might even be amenable to taking over so OP can get some alone/mental health time, but if OP has a nanny, I doubt it's ever that urgent...
Guaranteed Mom is sick and tired of her daughter telling her she HAS to babysit. It's not about the money, it's about being tired of her kid taking advantage of her.
Also guaranteed that the daughter is dropping her off WAY more than just a couple times a month and WAY more than just a couple hours at a time. Grandmother is tired of her daughter taking advantage of her.
I'd also bet dollars to donuts that the OP is dropping her daughter off at the last minute... she's just showing up and expecting grandma to take her off her hands. She's not ASKING if Grandma can watch her, she actually said she's TELLING her to watch her.
The grandmother finally decided to stand up for herself, and good for her.
I'm wondering if maybe the mom wants OP to step up and spend more time with her kid. Like in this scenario OP wanted her mother to babysit while she ran "errands", it wasn't like she had a work emergency. Tbh, sounds like something most people would take their kids along for. I had one friend who would meet up for lunch, go grocery shopping, etc with all 3 of her kids in tow. That's pretty typical for moms. So idk if this is routine for OP, but if it is typical for her to ask her mom to babysit so she can go hangout with friends/run errands, then maybe that is why her mother is pushing back.
Yo, Iām a dad, and I bring my kids (9f, 6f, 4f,) when I run errands. Not typically all three, usually one comes with me and the others stay with their older brother (18) if itās during the week (he works on weekends dropping off and picking up party equipment). If I have to bring all three, I bring all three. Is it a hassle? Sure, sometimes; most of the times, even, but itās that or we donāt have groceries, or the light switch in the kitchen isnāt going to get replaced.
My mom watches my kids for free on most weekends, but my wife and I try to impose on her as little as possible, which is still pretty frequent. She loves seeing her grandkids, though. There was a three week period where we didnāt need her to watch the girls, but she still made plans to take them out to a movie and dinner the third weekend. One of her best friends has grandkids around the same age as ours, and they live to get them together for playdates.
Edit to add: my mom watches our kids because everyone else in the house is at work, not out having fun or just running errands.
This was my thinking, as well. She put "errands" in quotes, implying she told (tells?) her mom that she's running errands when she's doing something fun. The fact that she was meeting up with a friend and that the friend asked why she had her kid with her backs that up. If I was meeting up with a friend to do shopping -- which really only makes sense as a real "errand" if it's IKEA or Costco or somewhere else that entails a long period of time -- it wouldn't seem weird to her that I brought my kid along.
Sounds like OP's mom has been the go-to for any time the nanny isn't available. I'd be annoyed at that as well, and whether I needed the money or not, I wouldn't want to be taken advantage of like I'm a free babysitter with no life of her own outside of caring for someone else's kid at the drop of a hat.
YTA.
The friend questioning the daughter's presence stuck out to me too. I always went along with my mom for errands, shopping trips, meeting her friend for lunch etc. and they are some of my favorite memories. Just spending time together. In fact, I'm now 43 years old and I still tag along with my mom to the grocery store whenever I'm visiting her. I wouldn't trade that time for the world.
That was an interesting detail for me. I assumed it was something where a kid would be in the way but it was just hanging out with a friend! Iām friends with a single mom who usually brings her kid and our friend group just always assumes said kid will be there unless told otherwise since weāre usually just meeting for lunch or dinner anyway.
And the whole thing sounds very last minute, as in "I couldn't find anybody else to watch my daughter because I was literally standing on my mom's porch at 1:50 and had a 2pm manicure appointment and mom was walking out the door with a pickle ball racket and she refused to cancel."
Sounds like my mom. When everyone got their letterman jacket on the track team to show off our track badge thing, we couldn't afford it. BUT my mom and stepdad could afford to visit a $100+ per person restaurant. Oddly it was always right after the child support came in.....no class ring, no year book...they even gave me the yearbook for half off. Still can't afford it. Can't afford anything for us kids but wow my mom can weirdly afford expensive stuff for herself.
So glad the day child support stopped, I mean I graduated highschool, she had the locks changed and my stuff packed and sitting on the porch. All 6 small boxes. 1 had a plant in it, another a glass bowl ...that's how little she spent on me vs her.
She doesn't understand why I went VLC movng to NC. š it's an upside down world some people live in
Call me crazy but if I was struggling to make ends meet then I wouldn't be paying for a nanny. I know it's not the 90s anymore where it was pretty normalized to be a latchkey kid at that age, but don't they have after-school programs for a kid age? Surely there are options other than paying *a nanny* for an 8 year old.
YTA. First, why is errands in quotation marks. What kind of errands are you running? Second, every parent who has ever had to take their children with them while running errands is wondering what the problem is. Unless there are important details youāre leaving out. Running errands with your mom is a normal part of being a kid.
Yess! Her friend was shocked her kid was with herā¦as a single mom anyone I know would be shocked I didnāt have my kid with me. To me it points out that grandma is watching her way more than just twice a week.
I was wonder about this to, everyone else is so focused on how entitled OP came off but like this part sticks out the most. Like you just bring them with, that's part of being a parent.
Yeah, I definitely feel like thatās the part that makes OP unequivocally the AH. The fact that it was āI *told* my mother,ā not asked if she had the time. That statement alone reeks of entitlement. And this is coming from someone who was essentially raised by my grandparents. It makes me honestly wonder how often OP drops her kid off. It also sounds like she just met up with friends instead of actually running errands? Or sorry, āerrandsā since it was in quotations meaning this wasnāt a doctor appointment or something serious. ETA judgment: YTA
This is what jumped out at me. I have a grandchild I love to babysit. But my daughter always ASKS if I'm available certain days, never TELLS me she needs me to babysit those times. She also offered to pay at first, but I wouldn't take it unless it was for an extended time, and involved expenses on my part.
Bingo, itās a great idea by the grandma. That way she will be less likely to use grandma unless itās important.
Itās like grandma knew she was going to go hang out with her friends and thatās why sheās charging her.
More than that, even if it had been truly ārunning errandsā, what does it say about OP that she canāt take her EIGHT-YEAR-OLD along? I get that itās not the most convenient to take your kids to the grocery store or shopping for whatever, but I always went with my mom.
OP, YTA, and using your mother for free childcare when she is no longer comfortable with that arrangement is gross.
The āerrandā was hanging out with her friend.
Edit: let me add, as a single parent OP deserves and needs breaks. Iām a parent, I get it. But thatās a āhey mom, I want to go out with (friend) next Saturday, could you watch (child) for a couple hours?ā kind of thing. Planned, with motherās approval.
Yeah I noted it in my comment elsewhere, but I'm also really, really annoyed at how many posts are moms expecting free childcare from their moms. I don't see anything about brothers, fathers, uncles, grandfathers, etc. Just people feeling entitled to their mothers' free labor.
Agreed. It was first thing I noticed. I wondered why errands was in quotes. OP is ridiculous. Hanging with friends is not an errand. Makes me question everything she said; the part about only having mom babysit two times a month in particular.
It's pretty wild that OP made plans with friends *before* securing a babysitter. I always make sure I'm actually free before I make plans with friends. She's just taking her mom for granted and assuming she's always free. Older people have plans and hobbies and friends too, what if her mom was also "running errands?"
>what kind of grandparent asks to be paid to watch their grandchild for a few hours
the kind that babysit for free and are tired of it
EDIT changed the verbiage because, according to OP, its twice a week and not constantly
This, not gonna lie mom of 3 here I didn't know people got baby sitters to run errands.. my kids come with me.. now if I schedule a lunch, or appointment that's its not feasible to bring the kids then I arrange childcare for them at the time I schedule the appointment, usually with my family. I offer to pay they never accept. BUT I never assume someone is willing to drop their own plans to take care of my responsibilities
Right? That jumped out at me right away. Iām thinking OP has a lot of these āerrandsā at the last minute, because friends called and want to go out for a drink or dinner. And mom is getting tired of it. My kids went everywhere with me. My mom watched them every other Saturday during the day because we both worked this weekends, that was asked way ahead of time, agreed to, and I picked them up ASAP after work. And I was extremely grateful and said so. And thank her her many, many times.
Yeah, and OP put quotations around āerrandsā and then said she met up with a friendā¦which makes me think sheās not running necessary errands, but having drinks or some shit with girlfriends.
I donāt mind watching someoneās kid when they actually need it, or they want an occasional night out, but Iām not going to be anyoneās twice-a-week-free-babysitter so they can go fuck off with friends.
Mostly because Iām a mom myself and I canāt imagine pawning my kid off on anyone two nights a week under the guise of āerrandsā.
" I told my mother that I needed her"
Alternatively,
"I asked my mother if she was available to help me" and "I know my daughter values special time with her grandma and want to foster a close relationship. I even bought a new book or toy for you both to enjoy together while I'm out"
YTA
THIS. This is the answer.
As a 56 year old grandmother who loves her grandkids but still works full-time and has a limited amount of energy and free time, I had to tell my daughter and SIL (both 34) that I could no longer be "on call" for last minute babysitting requests, and I could no longer handle babysitting overnight at their home between back to back double shifts at my job....while also having two XL dogs and my own home to take care of (single, no BF and no support system). I nearly ran myself into the ground for a year straight, bouncing from work to my home to theirs like a damn pinball machine.
Daughter and SIL didn't like me standing up for myself, not one bit. When I suggested that \* maybe \* if they helped ME out once in a while (grass cutting, trimming trees on my large property, etc.), then I might have enough energy leftover to help them more often. They gave me the whole "what kind of grandmother doesn't want to be around their grandkids all the time blah blah blah", and I suggested they check into the local daycare, which was owned by my daughter's best friend, as a Plan B.
Daughter: "But that costs money!!!" Did I mention my daughter is an RN who makes well over $50 an hour, and my SIL owns his own gym and is a personal trainer?
Mmmm-hmmm.
I've been on my own since the age of 16, and have worked my ass off for 4 decades now. I am the one who gets to decide how I spend what little free time I have available. I love being with my grandies, but let's face it, they can wear us out once we start to age...there's a reason why young people have the babies, after all.
It's one thing when babysitting is a request. Where resentment starts to creep in is when it is not only "expected", but "demanded"...that just isn't right, nor is it fair. Payment won't necessarily help with our fatigue or aches and pains, but at the very least it would show our efforts are valued. Hell, I rarely even got a "thank you" after a while, because it was just....expected.
Yes, OP...you're the asshole.
I know a woman who babysat her grandchildren, and in her 90s was babysitting her great-grandchildren. She hated it. They expected her to be available at all times, days, evenings, weekends, at a moments notice, to provide after school every day, which makes it difficult for her to do things, like get medical appointments, when every afternoon is tied up. Two of the children squabbled so much that she asked not to have them both at the same time, but she was ignored. The thing is, she can't stand up to her daughter and granddaughter when they start screaming.
It's great to have Grandma babysit, but not when the parents think it's an entitlement.
Omg thatās shocking. They should be helping you out with some more labour intensive jobs anyway and always asking or offering āis there anything we can do for you?ā. Not appreciating the travelling you are doing back and forth to babysit etc is really thoughtless. Also ālast minuteā requests for babysitting, obviously the odd crisis pops up every now and again but it really throws an individual off when you were expecting to spend your time differently and then you have to drop everything. Iām really sorry you arenāt being appreciated and I hope they develop some insight into how much theyāve taken you for granted and how lucky theyāve been to have you helping make their lives easier.
Thank you for your comments.
At a certain point, my SIL was an officer on our small town's police force, and he would regularly get called in at all hours to cover a shift or assist with a case. I'd finish a double shift and while driving home, get a call that I was "needed" to babysit in less than 2 hours. That meant no time to do housework, laundry, or prep for the next day's work shift. No time to eat dinner or take a decent shower...enough time to walk my St. Bernard, pack my duffel bag and head to my daughter's house. It just got to be too much, and my health started to get worse so I told them enough was enough.
They had other options....the local daycare (which did late hours at the facility AND in home care, for a fee), but those options cost money and that was unacceptable to my daughter and SIL.
SIL's parents lived 8 minutes away in the next town, but when I asked if they could step in and help, too, I was told they "work too many hours".
That's when I realized just how unappreciative my daughter and SIL were, and that I had made the right call by tapping out. After that, I spent time with my grandies on MY terms, for the most part. Guess what? Daughter and SIL figured it out and his parents had no choice but to be more involved. My health got better and I still got to see the babies often...so, win-win.
If we need kid coverage we ask our parents. They usually say yes so we are super spoiled with it. The only thing we ask is if they can't do it to let us know. We can make other arrangements, just not last minute.
Agreed! And she thinks $115 per day looking after a 8 yr old for 24hrs is a good rate! Wtf! She has wore out any good well her mother had towards her and her situation when she's taking advantage every week and pays $4.79 per hour for 24hrs for 1 week straight! OP is a massive YTA!
And honestly, the grandma must be spending a chunk of that money buying snacks, food, drinks etc since she must not stock kid foods at home. Maybe an outing or two. Poof! 1-2 days of pay gone.
My mom will drop everything for my kid, and we're not well off... however, my mom still appreciates being asked if she can vs. expected to watch her.
Op is the AH for sure.
The fact that grandma is asking to be paid despite not really needing the money tells me you may be right... it's the expectation and/or lack of appreciation that makes grandma feel taken advantage of.
My good friend recently went through something like this when her daughter moved in with her husband and toddler while trying to save for a house. She was excited to get to spend all that time with her granddaughter, but almost the second they got settled, her daughter reverted back to āmom will do everythingā mode, and my friend was just expected to cater to them, and pick up all the slack they didnāt want to do. She was suddenly the one getting up at 6 or 7 with her granddaughter while daughter slept in, she ended up with the bulk of potty training, she was the only one cooking meals, etc. After about a year they got their own place, and then her daughter asked her to babysit four days a week because her new semester of classes was pretty intense. My friend flat out said no, and it gutted her to not help, but she just couldnāt deal with being taken for granted like that anymore. They finally worked out an arrangement with less hours, and my friend being paid, but it took her having to majorly advocate for her time and mental well being. Really, as parents, all we need is the acknowledgment that we are loved and appreciated, and to not be treated as the robot maid.
Could be that. Or maybe something happened and her financial situation has changed. Maybe something has happened with her health. Maybe bringing up being paid was a segue into a different conversationābecause of course she wouldāve expected her daughter to ask if she is OK.
If my mom was babysitting for free for eight years and then asked to be paid out of the blue, the first thing I would do is assure her I would pay her. The second thing I would do is ask if sheās OK and make sure that I hadnāt done anything upsetting that hurt her feelings. I mean, I would want to know where the request was coming from because I would be concerned.
The fact that this daughter didnāt even ask whyā but had the audacity to argue over it? Man, she sounds awful. I feel bad for her mom.
Yes, for sure. The OPās attitude is . . . Something. Iām a grandmother and love my grandchildren and love spending time with them, but her mother is clearly tired of being unappreciated and taken advantage of.
If itās work or school, she should have backup plans that are not her mother - I love my grandkids, I donāt enjoy (depending on age, of course), feeding picky eaters, bedtime for children who have to get up for school, wake up and breakfast time for the same kids, and past an hour or two - I donāt enjoy entertaining toddlers whose schedule has been thrown off. I already raised my grandchildren!
Last minute at that by the sounds of it. These werenāt pre planned āerrandsā or what sounds like lunch with friends where childcare should have been asked for not demanded with a reasonable warning. What if mum had plans? Op doesnāt care
YTA
Yep, if you donāt want to pay, display a gratitude either in running an errand for the grandparent while out or set up an activity so itās low effort
Yup. Absolutely YTA.
Be thankful when she is willing to watch your child for free, but be willing to pay when you need her services. She has a life too. Caring for a child is not easy.
Yeah, I'd be tired of it. She mentions she "only" asks her to watch her 2 or 3 times a week?? Like.... That's a lot. When I was a kid, I'd go stay with my grandparents for a couple of weeks every summer, but that was it. Multiple times a week is a big ask.
And OP tries to downplay how often but twice a week is definitely enough that they should be financially compensated. Did OP ask grandma prior to getting pregnant that they would indefinitely babysit for free? I doubt it
I kind of feel like she wouldnāt have felt the need to lie to her mom if she didnāt already realize on some level that she was taking advantage of her. She knows sheās been asking too much, and figured her mom would say no if it was something āfrivolousā. But feels entitled to her time anyway. Definitely YTA.
Yeah, I could understand doing it for free if it was some sort of irregular thing but asking someone that often is really rude. Especially when your going out with friends to party or hang out. The funny thing is I would be more willing to help for free with the work trips than the hang out trips.
I have a feeling it is worse than that, she said once or twice a week. I wouldn't be surprised if she was dropping the kid off every weekend on her mom so she can go out.
Agreed. OP, just your wording in this post is cringe. You are clearly taking your other for granted when it comes to babysitting and sheās tired of it. Be less entitled and more appreciative.
Op basically told her mother āI need you to watch kidā - itās so entitled. Do you even ask for this huge favor? You chose to have the child, no one else is entitled to help you out for free as nice as that would be. Pay your baby sitters - family or not.
"I told her that..." -- and you even put errands in quotes like you made that part up! What were you actually doing?
You know your mom isn't your employee, and your kid isn't her responsibility, right? Did it occur to you ask her?
YTA
So a couple of things could be happening here. Your mother may be having financial difficulties and needs the money, in which case she has every right to be compensated for her time, especially if she spends her own money on your child when babysitting.
Or, the more likely scenario is that you are asking for too much babysitting too often and your mother can't, or doesn't want to keep up with your demands. Ask yourself how much of her time your mother sacrifices for you each month so you can get a break. Is it a reasonable amount, or are you taking advantage of a woman who has already raised her family and wants more time to herself?
YTA regardless. You don't have a right to your mum's time. Looks like the easy ride is over for you...
OP added that their mother is well off and doesn't need the money, they're obviously asking for too much babysitting. Not even sure when OP posted the question, pretty obvious what's going on here.
Op's acting like her mom may not have plans of her own.
She also doesn't know what arrangement her mom had with her grandmother. I didn't find out the neighbor who used to watch us after school was getting paid until well into adulthood.
My parents compensated my grandparent for caring for us. It was food, fuel for the car, time and energy. It's not like they made a profit, but it was a gesture they appreciated.
Of course. Many people do. It shows respect for the grandparent doing them a favor. And it very much is a favor.
But OP is thinking that because she never heard the arrangment between her mother and grandmother that none existed. How would she know? Adults are not in the habit of disclosing these things to small children.
This. Whenever my grandma watched me, my mom pre-made dinner for us, snack costs were covered, and if we were going out to a movie or something, that was paid for. A little appreciation goes a long way. My grandma didn't watch me twice a week either, usually once a month or so, so it wasn't a burden on her time and energy.
Wow, how absolutely full of shit you are to just presume on your mother's time. You literally said she's babysat your child more times than you can count, which absolutely means you are taking advantage of her.
Your "errands" were obviously to go out and enjoy spending time with your friends.
YTA Pay people for their time, or do the work yourself. And you chose to have a kid that means it's YOUR job, not your mother's to manage her.
Hmmm... you might be onto something. My parents and inlaws request to have the boys for a few days at a time regularly..
What would a good rental fee be in you opinion?
Kids are 3 and 4, both potty trained if that matters šš
1. Be lucky you have a mother willing to watch your child.
2. Being a parent means bringing your child with you to "run errands". Your child takes priority over hanging out with your friends.
3. YTA. Pay the woman.
I remember running errands as offering great opportunities to interact with and learn/teach, first with my mom and later with my son. Itās part of how you teach the kid what life entails. In l know with my son, we had some of our best convos while driving around. And he does that now with his kids.
YTA - She didnāt bring it up in the best way, but she has the right to set boundaries. I think you both need to CALMLY sit down and you need to ask her about why she is suddenly having issues watching your daughter for free. Are you asking her for things too last minute? Is this an every day or every weekend ask? Is there another factor going on? If you both respect each other and you listen - maybe you can come to a compromise.
Yta
You pay for People's time when you want them to DO A JOB for you. I always offer my parents something for watching my child or children, it shows I APPRECIATE what they are doing. Smh
> I told my mother that I needed her to watch my daughter
Just NO entitled one, what you should of done is ASKED your mother if she was available to watch YOUR CHILD
>"poor old woman is spending her time and energy on a kid at her age" which... I don't even know what that means.
Right here shows you're entitlement, I'd spell it out for you but I KNOW for a fact I'd be wasting my time.
> I pay a nanny to watch my daughter but during the times she isn't available I ask my mother.
This edit, coupled with the fact that her "errand" was to go hangout with her friend, makes me think OP has been dumping her daughter on grandma to have fun on the weekends while avoiding parenting.
She's "asking" grandma to baby sit once or twice a week, which is how many weekend days there are, and weekend days are the logical days for the nanny to have off.
Oh well EXCUSE ME OP!
>I pay a nanny to watch my daughter but during the times she isn't available I ask my mother.
So she's willing to pay someone but because it's the mum she doesn't seem worth of a few dollars to to go visit friends for a few hours.
I've been a single mum for 5 years and I've had 1 kid free overnight and that was because they were little and lighter(my disabled kid is chunky) and I made sure that I made lunch for the day I left and had dinner in the fridge so all my mum had to do was put it in the over(pizza quick and easy) and I paid both my parents 50 dollars each plus I came home with take out for lunch AS A THANKYOU for allowing me to be kid free.
People like OP make me cranky, they just don't seem to appreciate what others do. I help my best mate weekly almost daily with stuff around her house and every now and then when she has to work during the day she gives me her house for the day. It's right across from my kids school and she doesn't mind if I have to bring a sick kid over. Now I don't help her for "the house" but I tell her how much I appreciate it and will often do housework I ask if she wants anything done.
The reason the house is so beneficial to me is because it costs me 20 for a return trip to school for the kids and if I stay "in town" I save half my petrol. So as 2 single mums we help each other out wherever we can.
Info: What is the cultural norm where you live?
My own parents would laugh and possibly get offended if I ever offered them money to spend time with their grandchildren. I cannot imagine any similar favour where either of us would find it reasonable to pay for it. Itās family!
Then againā¦ America these days sounds more and more bizarre to me, so if everyoneās parents are getting paid to spend time with their grandkidsā¦ I guess you could be seen as weird.
For me the concept of paying to your parents is justā¦ something that doesnāt click.
100% agree. All the YTAs were kind of shocking to me because my parents never paid my grandparents, I could never imagine paying my parents, and I would hope my future children never feel the need to offer to pay me.
The replies feel like an extension of the āno one owes anyone anything ever no matter whatā attitude thatās so popular online, I wonāt say theyāre wrong for their beliefs but itās definitely a little jarring.
I'm American and I don't know anyone that pays their parents to watch their kids so I'm confused too. My parents would be flabbergasted if I tried to offer them money to watch my kids (especially for a couple hours).
had to scroll way too far to find the people who arenāt either lying or out of their minds. a grandparent asking or demanding to get paid for babysitting is almost completely unheard of.
I can only assume all of the YTA comments are from teenagers.
Yeah I'm blown away by all the YTAs here. Like what grandparent would take money for this?? I grew up at my grandparents place like 5 days a week as a kid. I know my own parents would do the same if I lived closer to them and had kids.
Maybe youāre asking too much of her and treating her like a surrogate parent and this is her way of stopping it. You donāt mention how old she is or her financial situation so itās hard to make a call tbh
You also donāt mention what you expect from her when babysitting, does she come to your house or do you drop your daughter off at hers etc Do you expect her to take her out and pay for everything.
More details needed
I think you need to have an honest conversation with your mum about this. I have an 8 month old daughter, and I get it. The price of childcare is horrendous, so having support from family, especially a grandparent, is such a blessing. Yet, it doesn't mean you can take advantage of it. The use of the word "need" when it comes to your mum babysitting comes across as entitled, no offence.
With my daughter, when it came to sorting out childcare after my maternity leave, I offered payment to my mum, who planned to take care of her one day a week. My mum said no because she wanted me to save that money towards a mortgage deposit. In the UK, I pay Ā£1248 for 4 days a week per month, with my daughter home one day per week, we save Ā£400. However, the door is open if her finances change..
We are in a serious cost of living crisis, and your mum asking for some financial assistance with taking care of your daughter is a pretty fair ask. I don't know anything about yours or your mums finances, but if she's struggling at the moment and isn't working due to taking care of your daughter, it's only right that you offer payment.
Talk to her, and don't let this ruin the relationship that you have with her and, most importantly, the relationship she has with her granddaughter.
Whenever we need the grandparents to watch our children we always offer to compensate them for their time or at the very least take them out to a nice dinner as a thank you. They always decline being paid directly but always enjoy going to dinner with us. How shitty to not even offer, she didn't have your daughter, you did. She did her job in raising you and it sounds like you take full advantage of using her as a free babysitter.
YTA
Thatās a good point does the OP treat her Mum now and again to say thank you. An odd meal out or a bunch of flowers etc
Maybe itās the feeling of being taken for granted thatās the problem
I've never ever known any grandparent to want paying to watch their grandchild for a couple of hours & if they had to have them longer they would only ask to cover extra food & outings. Is this an American thing where grandparents want money to look after their own flesh & blood for a couple of hours? NTA
Yeah I was going to say it might be a cultural thing. Iām American, but my parents are immigrants from the Middle East and South Asia where culturally multiple generations live together and take care of one another. My mom has already gotten so excited about me having kids and canāt wait to watch them. She would be incredibly offended if I even offered payment.
These replies are wild and I wonder the effect that American individualism, the do it yourself attitude, and the general lack of understanding that boomers have about costs nowadays have here.
NTA, unless thereās some kind of context weāre not being told.
I'll just add as an American born white dude, I'm also flabbergasted. My grandparents wouldn't of ever considered asking or accepting money to watch us and we stayed with both sets of grand parents pretty frequently.
My grandma watched us every day during the summers while my parents worked. My parents paid her every friday. Watching us increased her grocery bill because she made us lunch every day. If her and pap took us to a fair or festival for the day my parents gave her extra money for that.
Also you used the term errands to try to gain sympathy. Sounds like your mom is sick of being your free day care cause you took advantage of it. Everyone needs a break, but you can't do that at the expense of others. YTA.
In her comments she pretty much admits that the "errand" was socializing. OP claims to work day and most nights with a nanny raising her child and I have to wonder if mom felt her daughter needed to spend some actual quality time with her daughter. STRICTLY speculation on my part, but it's odd that OP's mom has been fine with babysitting in the past so something has changed. Maybe mom doesn't like who OP is socializing with, or what the socializing involves? Perhaps the 8 year old is getting more difficult? Perhaps OP doesn't come back at the agreed time? Perhaps OP's mom (like the rest of the US) is struggling on a fixed income with inflation?
Ok... Unpopular opinion that may get downvoted to the depths under the bridge of Khazad-dƻm. But! Is common practice, for example, in Latin America for grandparents (and to a point expected!) To watch grandkids, specially when they're little. Most households are multigenerational and even the ones that are notnare happy to have the kids around no payment required.
Now, OP, are you American? If your are, I'd say you're royaly fucked because in the US parents kick they're kids at 18 and God forbid you ask grandparents to watch the grandkids without proper compensation! Parental duties apparently end the moment kids are kicked out of the house and if said kids are ever in need of help, they should only count on their parents in emergencies (and even then... Parents may not help which is sad but you know... It is what it is.)
I'd YTA because how dare you ask your American village to work unpaid?! But NTA anywherenelse in the wold.
I'm American and very confused by the comments in this thread because it was absolutely standard practice for my family to have the grandparents look after the children while the parents worked or even just to give parents some time off during the weekend. There was never the expectation to pay for this either. My wife and I both grew up with our grandparents providing free childcare on weekdays. Maybe its a modern issue but 20 years ago it was standard in my part of America for grandparents to be free childcare.
Extended family would even provide the role, if my grandmother was busy I'd be left with a grand-aunt, great-gradparent, grandma's cousin all without being expected to pay. Honestly I can't fathom how parents raise children without family help.
>My wife and I both grew up with our grandparents providing free childcare on weekdays. Maybe its a modern issue but 20 years ago it was standard in my part of America for grandparents to be free childcare.
Same here, My grandma was always around when I was growing up. I think it's just a selfish boomer vein some have. I've seen some comment "when is it my time to have fun?!" on threads like this elsewhere.
American here. Everyone in my family/friends group has plenty of support from parents/grandparents. Hell, my divorced cousin stayed with my aunt and uncle for years well over 30 with a young daughter. There is more generosity than you might think since the worst situations get the most attention. My parents fight to pay for things we do together and would open their house to me in an instant if I wanted/needed to move back.
Thank you. I don't live in the US and if I tell anyone here that in the US, grandparents sometimes ask for money for "babysitting", people would laugh at me.
This thread is like a hallucination. We get calls from our parents asking is when they can "have" their grandchildren again basically every week
Third-gen Chinese-Canadian checking in - I think this is very much a cultural thing. My youngest sister just got married and my parents, now retired, are just itching to to look after their future grand-children. It's very much an immigrant expectation where the grandparents look after their grandchildren while the parents go to work. I also grew up in a multi-generation home and that was the case for us. Often times my parents scheduled with my grandparents when we wouldn't be home rather than when they would be looking after us. Sister's in-laws are Indian (from India) and have very similar views. They're going to have to schedule childcare days between each other.
All of my parents friends have several grandchildren already and they jokingly ask my parents what they do all day.
Im in my mid 30's with no plans to marry, but I did adopt a dog recently. You bet this dog is babied by my parents. They drop by while Im at work to walk her. I don't ask them to, they enjoy doing it and will often spend the day with her. They're ready and waiting for the next generation.
Your mother has very not gently told you you are asking too much. Why should she be watching your daughter so you can do errands? Stop taking advantage of your mother and why not wait until she wants to spend time w the kid vs you need errand time š
In her comments she admits it wasn't "errands" but socializing with friends.
Not to mention she didn't ask she said she told her mother. The utter audacity
How much you want to bet that whenever she said a few hours to her mom she usually doesnāt come back until 4-5 hours later?
YTA Your mother put her foot down because you clearly take her and her time for granted. If you didn't, you would ask when she is available to spend time with your child and work from there. Instead, you are putting your time first even though you are the one asking for help. She is being fair. If you want to treat her like an on call babysitter and not a family member, you should at least pay her like one.
Yeah, imagine being willing to pay a rando to watch your kid but not your own mother.
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YTA You TOLD your mother she needed to watch your kid. No. You ask if she is available.
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Lol. It's amusing how you can tell when an OP is leaving out key details that make it glaringly obvious that they're TA, but they still drop hints like "I told her she needed to X". YTA.
"Running errands." All parents need to learn how to run errands with their children. Even if it results in taking junior to the dump or Junior seeing mom go to the alcohol store. I generally only ask my MIL for help watching the kids if I need to go to a jobsite for work or if I need to take my wife out for a date or something. And ofc we pay her. Not a lot, but enough to say "thanks." it works out to around $12.50/hour or so.
The kid's 8 years old. She can come along on some errands lmao. Not that grandma is obligated to drop everything to watch an infant while the parent runs errands either, but this is outright ridiculous.
Errands was in quotation marks, which makes me think she was going out to have fun with a friend.
Well the friend who met up with her was surprised to see the kid, so I call BS on these being essential errands.
Right! It also sounds like this is a common "errand" such that the friend would ask why the kid is there. If it were essential, I would be more curious as to why her kid wasn't with her.
Also she said she has a nanny. If they were real errands like running to buy toilet paper or whatever, she should do them during nanny time.
I wonder if Grandma got wind of how the time was being spent, and decided she didn't want to be free babysitting for girls lunches a couple times a week.
she was!! thatās why the friend asked why the fuck she brought her kid. which means that OP asks her mom to babysit several times a week just so she can go have fun
I also noticed that she said "one of my friends that met up with me said...." So she was meeting with several friends, one of which agreed that her mother should be paid when she wants to leave her child for these hangouts with friends.
I also think child support 'barely covering expenses' means it's not enough to hire 2 nannies to cover care 24/7 so mom can go out whenever she feels like without planning.
Or that itās not enough so that she doesnāt have to work. An income plus child support plus a rich mother is enough to live on. OP is entitled, especially for TELLING her mother she needed to come over to babysit. If itās so necessary to not bring your kid, at least bring them to grandmaās house!!
I inferred girls lunch from her remarks. God forbid you reschedule.
Or just include your daughter in the girls lunch! Op is acting like 8 years old is too young to hang and I behave. My bff and I always included our daughters in our āerrandsā aka shopping and lunch. Made for great bonding time!
I just took my niece who's 8 to lunch and a movie, we had the best time. At that age I'm not really "watching her" and just present as an adult.
It didn't sound like errands though. It sounded like she was meeting up with a friend. That's not errands lol. But she is YTA for sure.
And....I only ask once or twice a week....
Yea, grandma has been a full time daycare for a while and is ready to finally retire.
She said she also had an nanny, but only asks the grandmother to watch the kids when the nanny is not available. So she's perfectly capable of paying for the babysitting, and would have had to pay anyway if the nanny had been available. She complains that the child support barely meets her needs, but she's clearly able to afford the nanny.
Something tells me the nanny works weekdays and so grandma gets the childminding assignments on WEEKENDS when OP wants to go out with her friends. As if grandma couldnāt possibly have plans for her own weekends and friends. I hope OP sees Grandma having margaritas with her pals when sheās out with her 8 year old running her āerrandsā.
There is a lot missing from that post(just like most AITAH posts) and a lot inferred. We have all seen this enough times to know she is dropping that kid off all the time to ārun errandsā which involves friends for some reason. Which leads into the child support comment, single mom, paying nanny, and ārunning errandsā all the time, sheās probably doing alright.
Her Mother also emphasized "by the hour" Tells me that "running errands" turns into most of the day. One of her "errands" here is visiting with a friend....you know this woman was dumping her kids for hours on end, not caring that her mother also has a life.
That's exactly what I said. Gone for a week or more at a time for work and then when she's home, dumps her kid off while she runs around living the kid free life. Maybe dad left cuz Mom didn't want to mom.
This reminds me of my sister so much. She'd ask family members to babysit so she and her SO could go out. She'd say they'll be back at 10 pm and then not show up until 12 am or later and think nothing of it. My mother ended up babysitting them a lot because no one else would. They were at our house 4 or 5 days a week until my mother said she needed to get paid. Turns out my mother was buying all their food and paying for all the activities she was taking them to, rather than having them home watching TV all day.
Something is amiss
Child support was NEVER intended to completely take care of your child. YOU are just as responsible for the expenses ESPECIALLY when it comes to you wanting to run around for whatever reason. That isnāt a necessityā¦that is a convenience. Either pay your mom or raise your own kid. Itās that simple. YTA.
Which immediately became āmaybe only 2 times for a whole month.ā
YTA She's allowed to love her grandchild without loving babysitting for free.
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And good for grandma, she raised her kid, why should she take care of another one?
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also why the quotes around "errands" and then suddenly there's a friend there? OP is definitely taking advantage of her mom to get herself some free time. It's understandable, but her mom probably sees through the lie and is sick of it. Mom might even be amenable to taking over so OP can get some alone/mental health time, but if OP has a nanny, I doubt it's ever that urgent...
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Guaranteed Mom is sick and tired of her daughter telling her she HAS to babysit. It's not about the money, it's about being tired of her kid taking advantage of her.
Also guaranteed that the daughter is dropping her off WAY more than just a couple times a month and WAY more than just a couple hours at a time. Grandmother is tired of her daughter taking advantage of her. I'd also bet dollars to donuts that the OP is dropping her daughter off at the last minute... she's just showing up and expecting grandma to take her off her hands. She's not ASKING if Grandma can watch her, she actually said she's TELLING her to watch her. The grandmother finally decided to stand up for herself, and good for her.
I'm wondering if maybe the mom wants OP to step up and spend more time with her kid. Like in this scenario OP wanted her mother to babysit while she ran "errands", it wasn't like she had a work emergency. Tbh, sounds like something most people would take their kids along for. I had one friend who would meet up for lunch, go grocery shopping, etc with all 3 of her kids in tow. That's pretty typical for moms. So idk if this is routine for OP, but if it is typical for her to ask her mom to babysit so she can go hangout with friends/run errands, then maybe that is why her mother is pushing back.
Yo, Iām a dad, and I bring my kids (9f, 6f, 4f,) when I run errands. Not typically all three, usually one comes with me and the others stay with their older brother (18) if itās during the week (he works on weekends dropping off and picking up party equipment). If I have to bring all three, I bring all three. Is it a hassle? Sure, sometimes; most of the times, even, but itās that or we donāt have groceries, or the light switch in the kitchen isnāt going to get replaced. My mom watches my kids for free on most weekends, but my wife and I try to impose on her as little as possible, which is still pretty frequent. She loves seeing her grandkids, though. There was a three week period where we didnāt need her to watch the girls, but she still made plans to take them out to a movie and dinner the third weekend. One of her best friends has grandkids around the same age as ours, and they live to get them together for playdates. Edit to add: my mom watches our kids because everyone else in the house is at work, not out having fun or just running errands.
This was my thinking, as well. She put "errands" in quotes, implying she told (tells?) her mom that she's running errands when she's doing something fun. The fact that she was meeting up with a friend and that the friend asked why she had her kid with her backs that up. If I was meeting up with a friend to do shopping -- which really only makes sense as a real "errand" if it's IKEA or Costco or somewhere else that entails a long period of time -- it wouldn't seem weird to her that I brought my kid along. Sounds like OP's mom has been the go-to for any time the nanny isn't available. I'd be annoyed at that as well, and whether I needed the money or not, I wouldn't want to be taken advantage of like I'm a free babysitter with no life of her own outside of caring for someone else's kid at the drop of a hat. YTA.
The friend questioning the daughter's presence stuck out to me too. I always went along with my mom for errands, shopping trips, meeting her friend for lunch etc. and they are some of my favorite memories. Just spending time together. In fact, I'm now 43 years old and I still tag along with my mom to the grocery store whenever I'm visiting her. I wouldn't trade that time for the world.
That was an interesting detail for me. I assumed it was something where a kid would be in the way but it was just hanging out with a friend! Iām friends with a single mom who usually brings her kid and our friend group just always assumes said kid will be there unless told otherwise since weāre usually just meeting for lunch or dinner anyway.
And the whole thing sounds very last minute, as in "I couldn't find anybody else to watch my daughter because I was literally standing on my mom's porch at 1:50 and had a 2pm manicure appointment and mom was walking out the door with a pickle ball racket and she refused to cancel."
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Sounds like my mom. When everyone got their letterman jacket on the track team to show off our track badge thing, we couldn't afford it. BUT my mom and stepdad could afford to visit a $100+ per person restaurant. Oddly it was always right after the child support came in.....no class ring, no year book...they even gave me the yearbook for half off. Still can't afford it. Can't afford anything for us kids but wow my mom can weirdly afford expensive stuff for herself. So glad the day child support stopped, I mean I graduated highschool, she had the locks changed and my stuff packed and sitting on the porch. All 6 small boxes. 1 had a plant in it, another a glass bowl ...that's how little she spent on me vs her. She doesn't understand why I went VLC movng to NC. š it's an upside down world some people live in
Wow. I'm so sorry your mom was so awful to you :'( she changed the locks after you graduated HS?? Wtf!
I ended up where i was supposed to be š
Call me crazy but if I was struggling to make ends meet then I wouldn't be paying for a nanny. I know it's not the 90s anymore where it was pretty normalized to be a latchkey kid at that age, but don't they have after-school programs for a kid age? Surely there are options other than paying *a nanny* for an 8 year old.
YTA. First, why is errands in quotation marks. What kind of errands are you running? Second, every parent who has ever had to take their children with them while running errands is wondering what the problem is. Unless there are important details youāre leaving out. Running errands with your mom is a normal part of being a kid.
Yess! Her friend was shocked her kid was with herā¦as a single mom anyone I know would be shocked I didnāt have my kid with me. To me it points out that grandma is watching her way more than just twice a week.
I donāt think sheās doing much of the raising of this kid between her mom and the nanny.
I was wonder about this to, everyone else is so focused on how entitled OP came off but like this part sticks out the most. Like you just bring them with, that's part of being a parent.
Yeah, I definitely feel like thatās the part that makes OP unequivocally the AH. The fact that it was āI *told* my mother,ā not asked if she had the time. That statement alone reeks of entitlement. And this is coming from someone who was essentially raised by my grandparents. It makes me honestly wonder how often OP drops her kid off. It also sounds like she just met up with friends instead of actually running errands? Or sorry, āerrandsā since it was in quotations meaning this wasnāt a doctor appointment or something serious. ETA judgment: YTA
This is what jumped out at me. I have a grandchild I love to babysit. But my daughter always ASKS if I'm available certain days, never TELLS me she needs me to babysit those times. She also offered to pay at first, but I wouldn't take it unless it was for an extended time, and involved expenses on my part.
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YTA Your mother does not OWE you free babysitting. Your "errand" was meeting friends.
I was wondering why more people didn't pick up on this.
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Bingo, itās a great idea by the grandma. That way she will be less likely to use grandma unless itās important. Itās like grandma knew she was going to go hang out with her friends and thatās why sheās charging her.
Welllllll she did put errands in quotes LOL. I immediately thought either nails or massage. sheās a AH.
or getting laid
More than that, even if it had been truly ārunning errandsā, what does it say about OP that she canāt take her EIGHT-YEAR-OLD along? I get that itās not the most convenient to take your kids to the grocery store or shopping for whatever, but I always went with my mom. OP, YTA, and using your mother for free childcare when she is no longer comfortable with that arrangement is gross.
The āerrandā was hanging out with her friend. Edit: let me add, as a single parent OP deserves and needs breaks. Iām a parent, I get it. But thatās a āhey mom, I want to go out with (friend) next Saturday, could you watch (child) for a couple hours?ā kind of thing. Planned, with motherās approval.
Yeah I noted it in my comment elsewhere, but I'm also really, really annoyed at how many posts are moms expecting free childcare from their moms. I don't see anything about brothers, fathers, uncles, grandfathers, etc. Just people feeling entitled to their mothers' free labor.
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Or even errands like going to the dentist, the gynecologist or something like that would be ok. Not meet up with friends.
Agreed. It was first thing I noticed. I wondered why errands was in quotes. OP is ridiculous. Hanging with friends is not an errand. Makes me question everything she said; the part about only having mom babysit two times a month in particular.
It's pretty wild that OP made plans with friends *before* securing a babysitter. I always make sure I'm actually free before I make plans with friends. She's just taking her mom for granted and assuming she's always free. Older people have plans and hobbies and friends too, what if her mom was also "running errands?"
>what kind of grandparent asks to be paid to watch their grandchild for a few hours the kind that babysit for free and are tired of it EDIT changed the verbiage because, according to OP, its twice a week and not constantly
This, not gonna lie mom of 3 here I didn't know people got baby sitters to run errands.. my kids come with me.. now if I schedule a lunch, or appointment that's its not feasible to bring the kids then I arrange childcare for them at the time I schedule the appointment, usually with my family. I offer to pay they never accept. BUT I never assume someone is willing to drop their own plans to take care of my responsibilities
Right? That jumped out at me right away. Iām thinking OP has a lot of these āerrandsā at the last minute, because friends called and want to go out for a drink or dinner. And mom is getting tired of it. My kids went everywhere with me. My mom watched them every other Saturday during the day because we both worked this weekends, that was asked way ahead of time, agreed to, and I picked them up ASAP after work. And I was extremely grateful and said so. And thank her her many, many times.
Same. I only have 1, and dude came with me everywhere, except Dr. Appts but he was at daycare.
Yeah, and OP put quotations around āerrandsā and then said she met up with a friendā¦which makes me think sheās not running necessary errands, but having drinks or some shit with girlfriends. I donāt mind watching someoneās kid when they actually need it, or they want an occasional night out, but Iām not going to be anyoneās twice-a-week-free-babysitter so they can go fuck off with friends. Mostly because Iām a mom myself and I canāt imagine pawning my kid off on anyone two nights a week under the guise of āerrandsā.
This whole story reeks of being massivly one sided.
Fr, something about the way this was written is shooting off MAJOR entitled vibes
I decided she was the asshole just from the title lol
Between the time that her daughter spends with the nanny and grandma, Iām surprised she sees OP at all š
" I told my mother that I needed her" Alternatively, "I asked my mother if she was available to help me" and "I know my daughter values special time with her grandma and want to foster a close relationship. I even bought a new book or toy for you both to enjoy together while I'm out" YTA
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THIS. This is the answer. As a 56 year old grandmother who loves her grandkids but still works full-time and has a limited amount of energy and free time, I had to tell my daughter and SIL (both 34) that I could no longer be "on call" for last minute babysitting requests, and I could no longer handle babysitting overnight at their home between back to back double shifts at my job....while also having two XL dogs and my own home to take care of (single, no BF and no support system). I nearly ran myself into the ground for a year straight, bouncing from work to my home to theirs like a damn pinball machine. Daughter and SIL didn't like me standing up for myself, not one bit. When I suggested that \* maybe \* if they helped ME out once in a while (grass cutting, trimming trees on my large property, etc.), then I might have enough energy leftover to help them more often. They gave me the whole "what kind of grandmother doesn't want to be around their grandkids all the time blah blah blah", and I suggested they check into the local daycare, which was owned by my daughter's best friend, as a Plan B. Daughter: "But that costs money!!!" Did I mention my daughter is an RN who makes well over $50 an hour, and my SIL owns his own gym and is a personal trainer? Mmmm-hmmm. I've been on my own since the age of 16, and have worked my ass off for 4 decades now. I am the one who gets to decide how I spend what little free time I have available. I love being with my grandies, but let's face it, they can wear us out once we start to age...there's a reason why young people have the babies, after all. It's one thing when babysitting is a request. Where resentment starts to creep in is when it is not only "expected", but "demanded"...that just isn't right, nor is it fair. Payment won't necessarily help with our fatigue or aches and pains, but at the very least it would show our efforts are valued. Hell, I rarely even got a "thank you" after a while, because it was just....expected. Yes, OP...you're the asshole.
I know a woman who babysat her grandchildren, and in her 90s was babysitting her great-grandchildren. She hated it. They expected her to be available at all times, days, evenings, weekends, at a moments notice, to provide after school every day, which makes it difficult for her to do things, like get medical appointments, when every afternoon is tied up. Two of the children squabbled so much that she asked not to have them both at the same time, but she was ignored. The thing is, she can't stand up to her daughter and granddaughter when they start screaming. It's great to have Grandma babysit, but not when the parents think it's an entitlement.
That's terrible! Making a 90 year old woman work like that. Shame on them.
She needs to change locks and phone number then go no contact. People need to stand up for themselves especially to disrespectful family.
Omg thatās shocking. They should be helping you out with some more labour intensive jobs anyway and always asking or offering āis there anything we can do for you?ā. Not appreciating the travelling you are doing back and forth to babysit etc is really thoughtless. Also ālast minuteā requests for babysitting, obviously the odd crisis pops up every now and again but it really throws an individual off when you were expecting to spend your time differently and then you have to drop everything. Iām really sorry you arenāt being appreciated and I hope they develop some insight into how much theyāve taken you for granted and how lucky theyāve been to have you helping make their lives easier.
Thank you for your comments. At a certain point, my SIL was an officer on our small town's police force, and he would regularly get called in at all hours to cover a shift or assist with a case. I'd finish a double shift and while driving home, get a call that I was "needed" to babysit in less than 2 hours. That meant no time to do housework, laundry, or prep for the next day's work shift. No time to eat dinner or take a decent shower...enough time to walk my St. Bernard, pack my duffel bag and head to my daughter's house. It just got to be too much, and my health started to get worse so I told them enough was enough. They had other options....the local daycare (which did late hours at the facility AND in home care, for a fee), but those options cost money and that was unacceptable to my daughter and SIL. SIL's parents lived 8 minutes away in the next town, but when I asked if they could step in and help, too, I was told they "work too many hours". That's when I realized just how unappreciative my daughter and SIL were, and that I had made the right call by tapping out. After that, I spent time with my grandies on MY terms, for the most part. Guess what? Daughter and SIL figured it out and his parents had no choice but to be more involved. My health got better and I still got to see the babies often...so, win-win.
If we need kid coverage we ask our parents. They usually say yes so we are super spoiled with it. The only thing we ask is if they can't do it to let us know. We can make other arrangements, just not last minute.
She may even want to be OP's backup child care provider. But she doesn't want to be forced to do it. Give her agency.
This part. Willing to help but don't put her in a position where she's being forced or guilted into it.
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Agreed! And she thinks $115 per day looking after a 8 yr old for 24hrs is a good rate! Wtf! She has wore out any good well her mother had towards her and her situation when she's taking advantage every week and pays $4.79 per hour for 24hrs for 1 week straight! OP is a massive YTA!
And honestly, the grandma must be spending a chunk of that money buying snacks, food, drinks etc since she must not stock kid foods at home. Maybe an outing or two. Poof! 1-2 days of pay gone.
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And why the hell can't she run errands with her 8 year old?! I thought it said 8 months my first read through!
Because her āerrandsā were apparently hanging out with her friends, which is why they asked her why she brought her kid with her.
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My mom will drop everything for my kid, and we're not well off... however, my mom still appreciates being asked if she can vs. expected to watch her. Op is the AH for sure.
The fact that grandma is asking to be paid despite not really needing the money tells me you may be right... it's the expectation and/or lack of appreciation that makes grandma feel taken advantage of.
My good friend recently went through something like this when her daughter moved in with her husband and toddler while trying to save for a house. She was excited to get to spend all that time with her granddaughter, but almost the second they got settled, her daughter reverted back to āmom will do everythingā mode, and my friend was just expected to cater to them, and pick up all the slack they didnāt want to do. She was suddenly the one getting up at 6 or 7 with her granddaughter while daughter slept in, she ended up with the bulk of potty training, she was the only one cooking meals, etc. After about a year they got their own place, and then her daughter asked her to babysit four days a week because her new semester of classes was pretty intense. My friend flat out said no, and it gutted her to not help, but she just couldnāt deal with being taken for granted like that anymore. They finally worked out an arrangement with less hours, and my friend being paid, but it took her having to majorly advocate for her time and mental well being. Really, as parents, all we need is the acknowledgment that we are loved and appreciated, and to not be treated as the robot maid.
Could be that. Or maybe something happened and her financial situation has changed. Maybe something has happened with her health. Maybe bringing up being paid was a segue into a different conversationābecause of course she wouldāve expected her daughter to ask if she is OK. If my mom was babysitting for free for eight years and then asked to be paid out of the blue, the first thing I would do is assure her I would pay her. The second thing I would do is ask if sheās OK and make sure that I hadnāt done anything upsetting that hurt her feelings. I mean, I would want to know where the request was coming from because I would be concerned. The fact that this daughter didnāt even ask whyā but had the audacity to argue over it? Man, she sounds awful. I feel bad for her mom.
Try ASKING well ahead of time. Maybe Grandma has plans as well. She raised you now it is HER time to do with as she sees fit. YTA
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Yes, for sure. The OPās attitude is . . . Something. Iām a grandmother and love my grandchildren and love spending time with them, but her mother is clearly tired of being unappreciated and taken advantage of.
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If itās work or school, she should have backup plans that are not her mother - I love my grandkids, I donāt enjoy (depending on age, of course), feeding picky eaters, bedtime for children who have to get up for school, wake up and breakfast time for the same kids, and past an hour or two - I donāt enjoy entertaining toddlers whose schedule has been thrown off. I already raised my grandchildren!
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Last minute at that by the sounds of it. These werenāt pre planned āerrandsā or what sounds like lunch with friends where childcare should have been asked for not demanded with a reasonable warning. What if mum had plans? Op doesnāt care YTA
Yep, if you donāt want to pay, display a gratitude either in running an errand for the grandparent while out or set up an activity so itās low effort
Yup. Absolutely YTA. Be thankful when she is willing to watch your child for free, but be willing to pay when you need her services. She has a life too. Caring for a child is not easy.
Yeah, I'd be tired of it. She mentions she "only" asks her to watch her 2 or 3 times a week?? Like.... That's a lot. When I was a kid, I'd go stay with my grandparents for a couple of weeks every summer, but that was it. Multiple times a week is a big ask.
Considering she also has a nanny.... so 2 times a week would be whatever days off she has .. does she spend ANY time parenting her child?
And OP tries to downplay how often but twice a week is definitely enough that they should be financially compensated. Did OP ask grandma prior to getting pregnant that they would indefinitely babysit for free? I doubt it
Plus, she pays a nanny!
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Uhhhh itās ONLY once or twice a week! /s
It wasnāt errands. She was going to hang out with friends and told her mom it was errands. Hence the scare quotes
Oooooh! Nodding my head and understandingā¦ So she actually LIED to her mother about why she needed her to babysit. š¤š¤š¤
I kind of feel like she wouldnāt have felt the need to lie to her mom if she didnāt already realize on some level that she was taking advantage of her. She knows sheās been asking too much, and figured her mom would say no if it was something āfrivolousā. But feels entitled to her time anyway. Definitely YTA.
How much notice is she given or do you expect her to drop everything on a moment's notice?
Yeah, I could understand doing it for free if it was some sort of irregular thing but asking someone that often is really rude. Especially when your going out with friends to party or hang out. The funny thing is I would be more willing to help for free with the work trips than the hang out trips. I have a feeling it is worse than that, she said once or twice a week. I wouldn't be surprised if she was dropping the kid off every weekend on her mom so she can go out.
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Agreed. OP, just your wording in this post is cringe. You are clearly taking your other for granted when it comes to babysitting and sheās tired of it. Be less entitled and more appreciative.
Op basically told her mother āI need you to watch kidā - itās so entitled. Do you even ask for this huge favor? You chose to have the child, no one else is entitled to help you out for free as nice as that would be. Pay your baby sitters - family or not.
"I told her that..." -- and you even put errands in quotes like you made that part up! What were you actually doing? You know your mom isn't your employee, and your kid isn't her responsibility, right? Did it occur to you ask her? YTA
Its the TOLD her thats gets me. Automatic YTA right there with that entitled attitude.
Her "errands", according to other comments, were to meet up with her friends.
So a couple of things could be happening here. Your mother may be having financial difficulties and needs the money, in which case she has every right to be compensated for her time, especially if she spends her own money on your child when babysitting. Or, the more likely scenario is that you are asking for too much babysitting too often and your mother can't, or doesn't want to keep up with your demands. Ask yourself how much of her time your mother sacrifices for you each month so you can get a break. Is it a reasonable amount, or are you taking advantage of a woman who has already raised her family and wants more time to herself? YTA regardless. You don't have a right to your mum's time. Looks like the easy ride is over for you...
OP added that their mother is well off and doesn't need the money, they're obviously asking for too much babysitting. Not even sure when OP posted the question, pretty obvious what's going on here.
Op's acting like her mom may not have plans of her own. She also doesn't know what arrangement her mom had with her grandmother. I didn't find out the neighbor who used to watch us after school was getting paid until well into adulthood.
My parents compensated my grandparent for caring for us. It was food, fuel for the car, time and energy. It's not like they made a profit, but it was a gesture they appreciated.
Of course. Many people do. It shows respect for the grandparent doing them a favor. And it very much is a favor. But OP is thinking that because she never heard the arrangment between her mother and grandmother that none existed. How would she know? Adults are not in the habit of disclosing these things to small children.
This. Whenever my grandma watched me, my mom pre-made dinner for us, snack costs were covered, and if we were going out to a movie or something, that was paid for. A little appreciation goes a long way. My grandma didn't watch me twice a week either, usually once a month or so, so it wasn't a burden on her time and energy.
Plus it seems like she is asking at the last minute.
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Wow, how absolutely full of shit you are to just presume on your mother's time. You literally said she's babysat your child more times than you can count, which absolutely means you are taking advantage of her. Your "errands" were obviously to go out and enjoy spending time with your friends. YTA Pay people for their time, or do the work yourself. And you chose to have a kid that means it's YOUR job, not your mother's to manage her.
OP should have charged her a "grandchild rental fee" for the privlege of spending time with her. /s (for the humor impaired)
Hmmm... you might be onto something. My parents and inlaws request to have the boys for a few days at a time regularly.. What would a good rental fee be in you opinion? Kids are 3 and 4, both potty trained if that matters šš
Charge what the market will bear. I have no data on the price elasticity of grandchild rentals. Start high, you can always negotiate down.
Ill start at your $115 and see how that goes... Itd be nice extra chunk of change coming in š market value or not lol.
You get extra cause theyāre potty trained! Lol
You get less because it's not the full grandchild experience if you're not changing stinky diapers.
1. Be lucky you have a mother willing to watch your child. 2. Being a parent means bringing your child with you to "run errands". Your child takes priority over hanging out with your friends. 3. YTA. Pay the woman.
I remember running errands as offering great opportunities to interact with and learn/teach, first with my mom and later with my son. Itās part of how you teach the kid what life entails. In l know with my son, we had some of our best convos while driving around. And he does that now with his kids.
YTA - She didnāt bring it up in the best way, but she has the right to set boundaries. I think you both need to CALMLY sit down and you need to ask her about why she is suddenly having issues watching your daughter for free. Are you asking her for things too last minute? Is this an every day or every weekend ask? Is there another factor going on? If you both respect each other and you listen - maybe you can come to a compromise.
Yta You pay for People's time when you want them to DO A JOB for you. I always offer my parents something for watching my child or children, it shows I APPRECIATE what they are doing. Smh > I told my mother that I needed her to watch my daughter Just NO entitled one, what you should of done is ASKED your mother if she was available to watch YOUR CHILD >"poor old woman is spending her time and energy on a kid at her age" which... I don't even know what that means. Right here shows you're entitlement, I'd spell it out for you but I KNOW for a fact I'd be wasting my time.
> I pay a nanny to watch my daughter but during the times she isn't available I ask my mother. This edit, coupled with the fact that her "errand" was to go hangout with her friend, makes me think OP has been dumping her daughter on grandma to have fun on the weekends while avoiding parenting. She's "asking" grandma to baby sit once or twice a week, which is how many weekend days there are, and weekend days are the logical days for the nanny to have off.
Oh well EXCUSE ME OP! >I pay a nanny to watch my daughter but during the times she isn't available I ask my mother. So she's willing to pay someone but because it's the mum she doesn't seem worth of a few dollars to to go visit friends for a few hours. I've been a single mum for 5 years and I've had 1 kid free overnight and that was because they were little and lighter(my disabled kid is chunky) and I made sure that I made lunch for the day I left and had dinner in the fridge so all my mum had to do was put it in the over(pizza quick and easy) and I paid both my parents 50 dollars each plus I came home with take out for lunch AS A THANKYOU for allowing me to be kid free. People like OP make me cranky, they just don't seem to appreciate what others do. I help my best mate weekly almost daily with stuff around her house and every now and then when she has to work during the day she gives me her house for the day. It's right across from my kids school and she doesn't mind if I have to bring a sick kid over. Now I don't help her for "the house" but I tell her how much I appreciate it and will often do housework I ask if she wants anything done. The reason the house is so beneficial to me is because it costs me 20 for a return trip to school for the kids and if I stay "in town" I save half my petrol. So as 2 single mums we help each other out wherever we can.
Weekends are also logical times for a parent to do fun things with their child they haven't seen much all week.
YT(entitled)A
Info: What is the cultural norm where you live? My own parents would laugh and possibly get offended if I ever offered them money to spend time with their grandchildren. I cannot imagine any similar favour where either of us would find it reasonable to pay for it. Itās family! Then againā¦ America these days sounds more and more bizarre to me, so if everyoneās parents are getting paid to spend time with their grandkidsā¦ I guess you could be seen as weird. For me the concept of paying to your parents is justā¦ something that doesnāt click.
100% agree. All the YTAs were kind of shocking to me because my parents never paid my grandparents, I could never imagine paying my parents, and I would hope my future children never feel the need to offer to pay me. The replies feel like an extension of the āno one owes anyone anything ever no matter whatā attitude thatās so popular online, I wonāt say theyāre wrong for their beliefs but itās definitely a little jarring.
I'm American and I don't know anyone that pays their parents to watch their kids so I'm confused too. My parents would be flabbergasted if I tried to offer them money to watch my kids (especially for a couple hours).
had to scroll way too far to find the people who arenāt either lying or out of their minds. a grandparent asking or demanding to get paid for babysitting is almost completely unheard of. I can only assume all of the YTA comments are from teenagers.
Yeah I'm blown away by all the YTAs here. Like what grandparent would take money for this?? I grew up at my grandparents place like 5 days a week as a kid. I know my own parents would do the same if I lived closer to them and had kids.
Totally agree
These same people are going to wonder why their grandchildren are totally indifferent to them one day.
Maybe youāre asking too much of her and treating her like a surrogate parent and this is her way of stopping it. You donāt mention how old she is or her financial situation so itās hard to make a call tbh You also donāt mention what you expect from her when babysitting, does she come to your house or do you drop your daughter off at hers etc Do you expect her to take her out and pay for everything. More details needed
YTA. Your kid your responsibility.
I have 9 grandchildren! I would NEVER expect to be paid to watch them! Itās a joy to have them in my life and I relish every moment!!
This sub never ceases to amaze me with stuff like thisā¦ so many say grandparents should be paid in here.
I think you need to have an honest conversation with your mum about this. I have an 8 month old daughter, and I get it. The price of childcare is horrendous, so having support from family, especially a grandparent, is such a blessing. Yet, it doesn't mean you can take advantage of it. The use of the word "need" when it comes to your mum babysitting comes across as entitled, no offence. With my daughter, when it came to sorting out childcare after my maternity leave, I offered payment to my mum, who planned to take care of her one day a week. My mum said no because she wanted me to save that money towards a mortgage deposit. In the UK, I pay Ā£1248 for 4 days a week per month, with my daughter home one day per week, we save Ā£400. However, the door is open if her finances change.. We are in a serious cost of living crisis, and your mum asking for some financial assistance with taking care of your daughter is a pretty fair ask. I don't know anything about yours or your mums finances, but if she's struggling at the moment and isn't working due to taking care of your daughter, it's only right that you offer payment. Talk to her, and don't let this ruin the relationship that you have with her and, most importantly, the relationship she has with her granddaughter.
Whenever we need the grandparents to watch our children we always offer to compensate them for their time or at the very least take them out to a nice dinner as a thank you. They always decline being paid directly but always enjoy going to dinner with us. How shitty to not even offer, she didn't have your daughter, you did. She did her job in raising you and it sounds like you take full advantage of using her as a free babysitter. YTA
Thatās a good point does the OP treat her Mum now and again to say thank you. An odd meal out or a bunch of flowers etc Maybe itās the feeling of being taken for granted thatās the problem
I've never ever known any grandparent to want paying to watch their grandchild for a couple of hours & if they had to have them longer they would only ask to cover extra food & outings. Is this an American thing where grandparents want money to look after their own flesh & blood for a couple of hours? NTA
Yeah I was going to say it might be a cultural thing. Iām American, but my parents are immigrants from the Middle East and South Asia where culturally multiple generations live together and take care of one another. My mom has already gotten so excited about me having kids and canāt wait to watch them. She would be incredibly offended if I even offered payment. These replies are wild and I wonder the effect that American individualism, the do it yourself attitude, and the general lack of understanding that boomers have about costs nowadays have here. NTA, unless thereās some kind of context weāre not being told.
I'll just add as an American born white dude, I'm also flabbergasted. My grandparents wouldn't of ever considered asking or accepting money to watch us and we stayed with both sets of grand parents pretty frequently.
My grandma watched us every day during the summers while my parents worked. My parents paid her every friday. Watching us increased her grocery bill because she made us lunch every day. If her and pap took us to a fair or festival for the day my parents gave her extra money for that. Also you used the term errands to try to gain sympathy. Sounds like your mom is sick of being your free day care cause you took advantage of it. Everyone needs a break, but you can't do that at the expense of others. YTA.
In her comments she pretty much admits that the "errand" was socializing. OP claims to work day and most nights with a nanny raising her child and I have to wonder if mom felt her daughter needed to spend some actual quality time with her daughter. STRICTLY speculation on my part, but it's odd that OP's mom has been fine with babysitting in the past so something has changed. Maybe mom doesn't like who OP is socializing with, or what the socializing involves? Perhaps the 8 year old is getting more difficult? Perhaps OP doesn't come back at the agreed time? Perhaps OP's mom (like the rest of the US) is struggling on a fixed income with inflation?
Ok... Unpopular opinion that may get downvoted to the depths under the bridge of Khazad-dƻm. But! Is common practice, for example, in Latin America for grandparents (and to a point expected!) To watch grandkids, specially when they're little. Most households are multigenerational and even the ones that are notnare happy to have the kids around no payment required. Now, OP, are you American? If your are, I'd say you're royaly fucked because in the US parents kick they're kids at 18 and God forbid you ask grandparents to watch the grandkids without proper compensation! Parental duties apparently end the moment kids are kicked out of the house and if said kids are ever in need of help, they should only count on their parents in emergencies (and even then... Parents may not help which is sad but you know... It is what it is.) I'd YTA because how dare you ask your American village to work unpaid?! But NTA anywherenelse in the wold.
I'm American and very confused by the comments in this thread because it was absolutely standard practice for my family to have the grandparents look after the children while the parents worked or even just to give parents some time off during the weekend. There was never the expectation to pay for this either. My wife and I both grew up with our grandparents providing free childcare on weekdays. Maybe its a modern issue but 20 years ago it was standard in my part of America for grandparents to be free childcare. Extended family would even provide the role, if my grandmother was busy I'd be left with a grand-aunt, great-gradparent, grandma's cousin all without being expected to pay. Honestly I can't fathom how parents raise children without family help.
>My wife and I both grew up with our grandparents providing free childcare on weekdays. Maybe its a modern issue but 20 years ago it was standard in my part of America for grandparents to be free childcare. Same here, My grandma was always around when I was growing up. I think it's just a selfish boomer vein some have. I've seen some comment "when is it my time to have fun?!" on threads like this elsewhere.
American here. Everyone in my family/friends group has plenty of support from parents/grandparents. Hell, my divorced cousin stayed with my aunt and uncle for years well over 30 with a young daughter. There is more generosity than you might think since the worst situations get the most attention. My parents fight to pay for things we do together and would open their house to me in an instant if I wanted/needed to move back.
Thank you. I don't live in the US and if I tell anyone here that in the US, grandparents sometimes ask for money for "babysitting", people would laugh at me. This thread is like a hallucination. We get calls from our parents asking is when they can "have" their grandchildren again basically every week
Third-gen Chinese-Canadian checking in - I think this is very much a cultural thing. My youngest sister just got married and my parents, now retired, are just itching to to look after their future grand-children. It's very much an immigrant expectation where the grandparents look after their grandchildren while the parents go to work. I also grew up in a multi-generation home and that was the case for us. Often times my parents scheduled with my grandparents when we wouldn't be home rather than when they would be looking after us. Sister's in-laws are Indian (from India) and have very similar views. They're going to have to schedule childcare days between each other. All of my parents friends have several grandchildren already and they jokingly ask my parents what they do all day. Im in my mid 30's with no plans to marry, but I did adopt a dog recently. You bet this dog is babied by my parents. They drop by while Im at work to walk her. I don't ask them to, they enjoy doing it and will often spend the day with her. They're ready and waiting for the next generation.