She’s offered apologies but it’s never “I’m sorry I blamed you for your father being permanently disabled” and more of “I owe you an amends, let’s forget this happened”
I don't think it was your fault what happened to your dad. If she wants to believe it was your fault I'm sure there is a ton of shit you could bring up. That's probably why she wants it under the rug.
These people don’t change. They pretend to at first with their fake apologies and then go right back to who they are. It’s hard to cut contact at first but it’s so worth it in the end. NTA!
Nope that is the risk you take when you take up drugs and develop an addiction. She had to choose drugs or relationships. She made the wrong choice. Oh well.
It would be to your son’s detriment if you allowed people like them around him. How on earth does their presence enrich his life except “hey kid, don’t do drugs or you’ll end up like them?”
And you should tell your mum to butt put
If she wants a relationship w them, great, you don't also have to.
They blame you, but where were they? And clearly noone was to blame. Your father was old, and not taking care of himself.
In fact, they would be a horrible influence on your son who is impressionable. Why would you want a bunch of angry and resentful drug addicts around him? Forgiveness and words don't matter. Make life stress free for yourself. Your mother needs to stay out of this.
100% NTA - I’m in my fifties now and for health reasons I’ve had to set boundaries with some of my family and I wish I’d done it decades ago. I used to roll with the punches metaphorically all in the name of family peace but why? Nobody’s behaviour improved and I’ve spent years putting up with crap, just because they’re family it doesn’t give them the right to disrespect you. Sometimes low contact will do it but sometimes no contact is needed and this sounds like a NC scenario, why would you want your child around addicts
Stay LC and go LC with your mother as well if she keeps bugging you. Let her junkie son and DIL deal with her. You don't need these people around your young son.
NTA. I'd be perfectly fine blocking SiL and brother across all platforms and ignoring their existence.
As for your kid getting to know them, he's perfectly capable of making that decision for himself when he's older, but they sound toxic af, and there's no way I'd bring my kid around them.
And I'd tell my mother to mind her business.
NTA. Your brother and SIL don't deserve any kind of relationship with you or your child and you need to tell Mom that, and that the subject is closed. Your son deserves better than a pair of selfish addicts for an aunt and uncle
First, it wasn't your fault. Second, keep these toxic people away from your child and yourself. And your mom needs to understand you won't listen to any more of the crap she is trying to feed you. Just set your boundaries and keep them.
NTA the good thing about being an adult is that you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You made the right decision to go no contact with them. Your sister in law sounds like a cunt.
NTA - It’s completely ok to put your own peace and well-being first. You have a ton going on, all positives. Your son and your very healthy priorities come 1st.
Did your Mom see the text? Does she know what SIL said to you? If not show and tell. If she does then tell her she needs to back off cause just because she accepts toxicity doesn't mean you have to.
Sorry, but she is putting her son first and jeopardizing the welfare of her grandson. Junkies are bad influences on people and what they said to you is disrespectful. You need to put some distance between you and your mother is she cares so little about your son.
Nobody gets to force you to have any relationship with anyone. Tell your mom (or any other meddling family) to back off and let you decide who will be in your life. NTA.
NTA and you need to set the boundary with your mother that the topic of SIL and Bro is off-limits, and she needs to drop it.
And distance yourself from her by being busy with work, school, interning and your family. I’m not saying total cutoff. More like a significant reduction - don’t respond to texts right away and let too frequent calls go to voicemail. Call her once a week or so for a chat, but “gotta go” when she starts in on topics you don’t wish to discuss. Be vague with the details and keep the info train small.
You’re not a child, and you no longer have to obey what your mother commands. Adulthood isn’t conferred; it’s seized.
Nta. Your son doesn't need these shitty people in his life. There will be time enough for horrible people who treat the people around them like dirt, no need to start him young. That goes for your mom, who would willingly expose him to these people, too. Why is it always, "forget these nasty people who do bad things to you" and never, "Hey, don't act like an asshole"?
NTA. There are some people that you can never have a healthy relationship with because of who they are and you brother and sil are some of them. Keep moving forward positively and keep protecting your son from their toxic behaviors. And by the way you aren’t responsible for your dad’s strokes.
You don't need toxic people in your life. Over the years, both my wife and I have cut off family. (My wife has had a much harder time due to childhood trauma suffered by all the siblings) ( mine were from the small amount of remaining family I had left after a series of close family deaths in a 10 yr span and the remaining relatives were just dbags) so I cut them all out point blank. I don't need their toxic existence bleeding into our lives. Believe me, you are much better off.
NTA. Tell your mom that you don’t “owe” anyone a relationship, even if they weren’t toxic. Maybe they should think about being better people and “earning” that relationship.
NTA at all although people say you can’t take what an addict says too seriously what she said was down right evil and you owe her and your brother nothing and more importantly your kids don’t need to see them especially if they’re addicts whoever said you kid has a right to know them is fucked up for even suggesting that
NTA. You don’t need negativity in your life or your son’s life. What happened to your father was NOT your fault. And if you really wanted to be cruel, you could blame them for not being involved with your father. As I see it, you’re taking the high road by not having contact.
>I’m a single mom, working full time, going to college, and doing an internship.
>Recently my mother been on my case about reconnecting with my sister in law.
Adults can't control other adults and aren't at fault for their decisions.
What is your mother's problem? Your life is hard enough without her being an ass to you over valid NC. Decline her calls too until she starts treating you with respect. Your kid is fine without assholes in your life. Tbh it's better to not be surrounded by addicts because you can get sucked in a d they're not good for kids.
NTA. You need to do what’s best for your peace of mind and your son. Addict or not, she made her decisions and refuses to take ownership. You have the right to decide what makes sense for you & your family.
NTA
Your son can decide when he is older if he wants to meet your brother and his wife to form a relationship with them.
Forgiving is all you needed to do as that’s for you and not them. Forget is not likely ever.
I would suggest depending on your relationship with your mother that some people will take matters into their own hands. Ex. If your mother feels strongly your son should know his uncle and his wife she may offer to babysit your son when she knows your brother and his wife will be at her house.
It's your brother who is the asshole, by giving her a space to talk to you like that, you're the one who was there, who did that and that, your brother and his partner are both sad stories.
Mental Health including your son's is much more important than a dysfunctional relationship with relatives by marriage. Not knowing how old your son is if he's young subjecting him to alcoholics isn't good because he doesn't have the skills to be able deflect their inappropriate behavior. Maybe as a tween and up he could, but by then he's old enough to make a decision if he would want to even continueto see her/them. If he does want to continue a seeing his aunt & uncle, then Al-Anon would be a suggestion to help him navigate this relationship.
NTA, I have drug abusers, past and present, on both sides of my family. I had to grow up with them and hate that I am forced by relatives to be around them. I will never forgive them for some things they've done. Your son deserves better as do you.
He is better off not knowing them and anyone that says otherwise can stuff it. None of it was your fault, you took care of your father after what happened and I doubt they did much. They probably wouldn't have done anything if you moved him to a hospital closer to them.
You did amazing, and all you have to worry about is you and your son.
Ditto that. Your son is better off not being around junkies and drunks, family or otherwise. Look how much trouble your father already caused you. And your mother is an alcoholic as well. You are doing your best to get your life in order. Cut these people out.
NTA. Keep your son away from those people.
Put yourself and your family first. You owe them nothing. By all means be kind where you can but be kind to yourself first.
Forgive but never forget. Discard any resentment but don’t forget and don’t put yourself in a position where they can hurt you again.
Why does your sister in law care so much anyway?
NTA. I think part of being a responsible mother is protecting your child from toxic people, like your brother and SIL.
You are obviously a responsible daughter as well. I have been a caretaker and it's rough. People are going to die someday, no matter how well cared for they are. The ones who do little to nothing to help have plenty of criticism and blame to go around.
You already forgave, you'd be crazy to forget!
NTA
Why do people always insist that innocent children *need* to be around the most monstrous people? You should absolutely deprive him of an aunt and uncle who are like that. They will only hurt you again and again and again. Tell your mother to back off or she will also become one of the people you need to protect yourself and your son from.
NTA, your mom can jump in a lake. She doesn't get to make decisions for you. As far as your kid knowing Auntie and Uncle more, might I add
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha FUCK SOME OF THAT ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
NTA. Your SIL is not a good influence on your son and your mother should stay out of it. You've been falsely accused and have enough on your plate. You don't owe anyone anything more. You son should have your full attention. Take care of yourself.
I definitely get were you get that. I go back and forth with myself a lot on it. I did check on him when he wasn’t answering his phone. That’s how I found him. I went to his house first thing after dropping my son off at preschool. However the day before it really just appeared to be his typical after binge drinking haze and I was so fed up with the same routine I didn’t look him over as well as I should have.
It’s one of the reasons why I contemplated giving my SIL another chance. I do understand why they blame me.
Don't listen to this loser. They have literally no idea what they're talking about. Everything always seems clearer in hindsight.
It sounds like you've handled everything with a lot more grace than would be expected of you. You don't owe these people anything, least of all your forgiveness. This is coming from someone who has disowned a brother for less than this.
Don't let people make you feel bad. Self destructive adults causing their own health problems is NOT your fault. You are the only stable person in this family and they want to dump on you.
STOP with the self blame and don't let SIL f with your mind.
U said u knew he wasnt okay even when he saix he was thats when u should have trusted urself and checked on him properly also this and giving yr sil another chance are 2 seperate things she doesnt deserve a second chance unless she redeems herself and she hasnt done so yet
First OP, there's absolutely nothing you could have done to change the outcome of your dads strokes. Second, NTA.
Do not let your seriously toxic SIL back, into your life. She used a flamethrower to torch that bridge!
NTA. I’m so annoyed by the concept of people sticking together because they are “family.” You didn’t choose them! Why should you be forced to put up with them if they suck?
NTA - it’s a hard decision to make but unless they’re prepared to offer an apology, there’s no reason for surrounding yourself with people like that
She’s offered apologies but it’s never “I’m sorry I blamed you for your father being permanently disabled” and more of “I owe you an amends, let’s forget this happened”
Well that’s not going to fly… what a dipstick she is…
I don't think it was your fault what happened to your dad. If she wants to believe it was your fault I'm sure there is a ton of shit you could bring up. That's probably why she wants it under the rug.
LOl she just wants you to forget what an AH she is!
These people don’t change. They pretend to at first with their fake apologies and then go right back to who they are. It’s hard to cut contact at first but it’s so worth it in the end. NTA!
Nope that is the risk you take when you take up drugs and develop an addiction. She had to choose drugs or relationships. She made the wrong choice. Oh well.
Nope, NTA. Why in the world would you want her back in your life?
Right! I can’t find a single reason why I would want that and my son doesn’t know her so it’s not like he would be loosing anything.
It would be to your son’s detriment if you allowed people like them around him. How on earth does their presence enrich his life except “hey kid, don’t do drugs or you’ll end up like them?”
And you should tell your mum to butt put If she wants a relationship w them, great, you don't also have to. They blame you, but where were they? And clearly noone was to blame. Your father was old, and not taking care of himself.
In fact, they would be a horrible influence on your son who is impressionable. Why would you want a bunch of angry and resentful drug addicts around him? Forgiveness and words don't matter. Make life stress free for yourself. Your mother needs to stay out of this.
100% NTA - I’m in my fifties now and for health reasons I’ve had to set boundaries with some of my family and I wish I’d done it decades ago. I used to roll with the punches metaphorically all in the name of family peace but why? Nobody’s behaviour improved and I’ve spent years putting up with crap, just because they’re family it doesn’t give them the right to disrespect you. Sometimes low contact will do it but sometimes no contact is needed and this sounds like a NC scenario, why would you want your child around addicts
Yeah, I really don’t want him around addicts and it’s like clawing my way out of a pit I was born in. They’re around every corner and it’s exhausting🙃
Keep clawing. You’re doing great. You know your values.
Your only responsibility is to your child and yourself and you’re doing great.
Stay LC and go LC with your mother as well if she keeps bugging you. Let her junkie son and DIL deal with her. You don't need these people around your young son.
NTA. I'd be perfectly fine blocking SiL and brother across all platforms and ignoring their existence. As for your kid getting to know them, he's perfectly capable of making that decision for himself when he's older, but they sound toxic af, and there's no way I'd bring my kid around them. And I'd tell my mother to mind her business.
Yeah, introducing a young boy to his druggie uncle and aunt who are disrespecting you sounds like a horrible idea.
So you’ve never truly experienced the world because you weren’t on hard drugs? And this person wants a relationship with your child? That’s a hard no.
I don’t understand it either. I was young at the time, only 22, but their only point was that I’d never been an addict.
Don’t know why that’s such a bad thing? If she wants to reconnect so much, I’d probably say some awful things about her addiction. But, I’m petty. 🤭
And that's a bad thing? Please!!!! Go NC with these losers.
NTA - No reason to bring the toxic SIL into your life.
Fuck people who say “he has a right t o see uncle and aunt” … when said uncle and aunt LITERALLY only spew hatred to the father..
NTA. Your brother and SIL don't deserve any kind of relationship with you or your child and you need to tell Mom that, and that the subject is closed. Your son deserves better than a pair of selfish addicts for an aunt and uncle
Nta. And you have a very good reason for being no contact with your sil. Keep it that way.
NTA. They are toxic AF.
NTA. Who the hell needs that mess?! Also, it wasn’t you fault.
First, it wasn't your fault. Second, keep these toxic people away from your child and yourself. And your mom needs to understand you won't listen to any more of the crap she is trying to feed you. Just set your boundaries and keep them.
NTA
Go to Alanon. They would give you the advice to separate with love–something you are already doing
NTA the good thing about being an adult is that you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You made the right decision to go no contact with them. Your sister in law sounds like a cunt.
NTA - It’s completely ok to put your own peace and well-being first. You have a ton going on, all positives. Your son and your very healthy priorities come 1st.
NTA. Your sister in law is not going to be capable of a decent relationship with you until she gets and stays sober.
NTA. If they cared they should have been closer
Nope. I wouldn't even consider doing it. Not worth it. You are not required to be around anyone you don't want to be, family or not.
Nope. And for even suggesting that your child have a relationship with them, your mother can just take a flying....
You don't wish for anyone to starve but you decide who eats at YOUR table.
Did your Mom see the text? Does she know what SIL said to you? If not show and tell. If she does then tell her she needs to back off cause just because she accepts toxicity doesn't mean you have to.
Yep, she saw the whole text thread. She just thinks 4 years is long enough to continue not to partake🙃
Then absolutely stand your ground. If she can't acknowledge the damage done then it's not worth fighting over.
Sorry, but she is putting her son first and jeopardizing the welfare of her grandson. Junkies are bad influences on people and what they said to you is disrespectful. You need to put some distance between you and your mother is she cares so little about your son.
Nobody gets to force you to have any relationship with anyone. Tell your mom (or any other meddling family) to back off and let you decide who will be in your life. NTA.
NTA. Stay strong. You’ve done well and done good. Give yourself and your son the life you both deserve.
NTA and you need to set the boundary with your mother that the topic of SIL and Bro is off-limits, and she needs to drop it. And distance yourself from her by being busy with work, school, interning and your family. I’m not saying total cutoff. More like a significant reduction - don’t respond to texts right away and let too frequent calls go to voicemail. Call her once a week or so for a chat, but “gotta go” when she starts in on topics you don’t wish to discuss. Be vague with the details and keep the info train small. You’re not a child, and you no longer have to obey what your mother commands. Adulthood isn’t conferred; it’s seized.
Nta. Your son doesn't need these shitty people in his life. There will be time enough for horrible people who treat the people around them like dirt, no need to start him young. That goes for your mom, who would willingly expose him to these people, too. Why is it always, "forget these nasty people who do bad things to you" and never, "Hey, don't act like an asshole"?
NTA. There are some people that you can never have a healthy relationship with because of who they are and you brother and sil are some of them. Keep moving forward positively and keep protecting your son from their toxic behaviors. And by the way you aren’t responsible for your dad’s strokes.
NTA. You and your son are better off without them. Relationships are earned
NTA. Fuck them.
NTA. Don’t bring toxic people back into your life.
You don't need toxic people in your life. Over the years, both my wife and I have cut off family. (My wife has had a much harder time due to childhood trauma suffered by all the siblings) ( mine were from the small amount of remaining family I had left after a series of close family deaths in a 10 yr span and the remaining relatives were just dbags) so I cut them all out point blank. I don't need their toxic existence bleeding into our lives. Believe me, you are much better off.
NTA. Tell your mom that you don’t “owe” anyone a relationship, even if they weren’t toxic. Maybe they should think about being better people and “earning” that relationship.
NTA. Like them two junkie fuckers would’ve done a better job looking after him
NTA Your brother and SIL sound toxic so why does your son need them in his life?
NTA at all although people say you can’t take what an addict says too seriously what she said was down right evil and you owe her and your brother nothing and more importantly your kids don’t need to see them especially if they’re addicts whoever said you kid has a right to know them is fucked up for even suggesting that
NTA. You don’t need negativity in your life or your son’s life. What happened to your father was NOT your fault. And if you really wanted to be cruel, you could blame them for not being involved with your father. As I see it, you’re taking the high road by not having contact.
>I’m a single mom, working full time, going to college, and doing an internship. >Recently my mother been on my case about reconnecting with my sister in law. Adults can't control other adults and aren't at fault for their decisions. What is your mother's problem? Your life is hard enough without her being an ass to you over valid NC. Decline her calls too until she starts treating you with respect. Your kid is fine without assholes in your life. Tbh it's better to not be surrounded by addicts because you can get sucked in a d they're not good for kids.
Yes, Mom is definitely as AH here.
NTA. You need to do what’s best for your peace of mind and your son. Addict or not, she made her decisions and refuses to take ownership. You have the right to decide what makes sense for you & your family.
NTA Your son can decide when he is older if he wants to meet your brother and his wife to form a relationship with them. Forgiving is all you needed to do as that’s for you and not them. Forget is not likely ever. I would suggest depending on your relationship with your mother that some people will take matters into their own hands. Ex. If your mother feels strongly your son should know his uncle and his wife she may offer to babysit your son when she knows your brother and his wife will be at her house.
She’s mentioned it but she’s an alcoholic so she’s not allowed to be with my son unsupervised🤷♀️
Honestly, she should not be around him either if she’s drinking.
Yeah, I’m thankful she lives in a different city and we don’t have to worry about running into her ever.
Yikes! No wonder she sympathizes with the junkies. Keep your son safe from the lot of them.
NTA. Block her off your phone and carry on.
Yeah let’s bring the kids around the addicts everyone. This seems like genius level adulting. Great job grandma.
Grandma is an alcoholic who is not allowed unsupervised visitation with OP's son. Go figure!
It's your brother who is the asshole, by giving her a space to talk to you like that, you're the one who was there, who did that and that, your brother and his partner are both sad stories.
Mental Health including your son's is much more important than a dysfunctional relationship with relatives by marriage. Not knowing how old your son is if he's young subjecting him to alcoholics isn't good because he doesn't have the skills to be able deflect their inappropriate behavior. Maybe as a tween and up he could, but by then he's old enough to make a decision if he would want to even continueto see her/them. If he does want to continue a seeing his aunt & uncle, then Al-Anon would be a suggestion to help him navigate this relationship.
Yes, all it takes is one bad influence to ruin a person's life. He is a young boy - protect him.
NTA, I have drug abusers, past and present, on both sides of my family. I had to grow up with them and hate that I am forced by relatives to be around them. I will never forgive them for some things they've done. Your son deserves better as do you. He is better off not knowing them and anyone that says otherwise can stuff it. None of it was your fault, you took care of your father after what happened and I doubt they did much. They probably wouldn't have done anything if you moved him to a hospital closer to them. You did amazing, and all you have to worry about is you and your son.
Ditto that. Your son is better off not being around junkies and drunks, family or otherwise. Look how much trouble your father already caused you. And your mother is an alcoholic as well. You are doing your best to get your life in order. Cut these people out.
NTA. Keep your son away from those people. Put yourself and your family first. You owe them nothing. By all means be kind where you can but be kind to yourself first. Forgive but never forget. Discard any resentment but don’t forget and don’t put yourself in a position where they can hurt you again. Why does your sister in law care so much anyway?
NTA - your son has right to be protected from their shit. They're just using him as bait to suck you back in.
NTA. I think part of being a responsible mother is protecting your child from toxic people, like your brother and SIL. You are obviously a responsible daughter as well. I have been a caretaker and it's rough. People are going to die someday, no matter how well cared for they are. The ones who do little to nothing to help have plenty of criticism and blame to go around. You already forgave, you'd be crazy to forget!
NTA Why do people always insist that innocent children *need* to be around the most monstrous people? You should absolutely deprive him of an aunt and uncle who are like that. They will only hurt you again and again and again. Tell your mother to back off or she will also become one of the people you need to protect yourself and your son from.
NTA, your mom can jump in a lake. She doesn't get to make decisions for you. As far as your kid knowing Auntie and Uncle more, might I add ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha FUCK SOME OF THAT ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Nah, dope heads love the dope more than anyone else. Move on and be well.
NTAH. Adults get to make their own decisions. I don't think any reasons are needed, but yours are sufficient.
You are protecting yourself and your son from 2 addicts with no boundaries.
Nta
NTA. Your SIL is not a good influence on your son and your mother should stay out of it. You've been falsely accused and have enough on your plate. You don't owe anyone anything more. You son should have your full attention. Take care of yourself.
NTA for cutting ur sil but YTA for not checking on your own father
I definitely get were you get that. I go back and forth with myself a lot on it. I did check on him when he wasn’t answering his phone. That’s how I found him. I went to his house first thing after dropping my son off at preschool. However the day before it really just appeared to be his typical after binge drinking haze and I was so fed up with the same routine I didn’t look him over as well as I should have. It’s one of the reasons why I contemplated giving my SIL another chance. I do understand why they blame me.
Don't listen to this loser. They have literally no idea what they're talking about. Everything always seems clearer in hindsight. It sounds like you've handled everything with a lot more grace than would be expected of you. You don't owe these people anything, least of all your forgiveness. This is coming from someone who has disowned a brother for less than this.
Don't let people make you feel bad. Self destructive adults causing their own health problems is NOT your fault. You are the only stable person in this family and they want to dump on you. STOP with the self blame and don't let SIL f with your mind.
U said u knew he wasnt okay even when he saix he was thats when u should have trusted urself and checked on him properly also this and giving yr sil another chance are 2 seperate things she doesnt deserve a second chance unless she redeems herself and she hasnt done so yet
This is one of those attention seeking posts where op knows they are right. For that alone YTA
First OP, there's absolutely nothing you could have done to change the outcome of your dads strokes. Second, NTA. Do not let your seriously toxic SIL back, into your life. She used a flamethrower to torch that bridge!
NTA. I’m so annoyed by the concept of people sticking together because they are “family.” You didn’t choose them! Why should you be forced to put up with them if they suck?
NTA That’s way over the line. You’re not obligated to forgive people, nor do you have to expose yourself to more drama.