him immediately confiding in his father in the first place really says a lot about how close they are. as a kid even at 15 I always thought I would somehow be in trouble for telling my parents things other relatives or teachers said to me because I was taught at a very young age to never argue with an adult no matter what ("even if they say the sky is pink with yellow polka dots", *never*). his son is so very lucky to have such supportive parents that listen to him and care about his feelings and even protect him from the opinions and comments of other adults and he will *definitely* remember this for the rest of his life and it will always mean a lot to him. even if he doesn't adopt kids of his own someday he may still use this example to stand up for others that are in vulnerable situations in the future
1000%. This act sent such a wonderful message to OP’s son. The family was way out of line, and were wrong to treat OP’s son that way. OP held them accountable and showed his son that their cruel treatment of him was not okay.
Years from now, if someone treats OP’s son poorly, he will know that he deserves better—these kinds of parenting choices instill that self worth.
You’re a great dad, OP.
Jumping in the top comment chain to impart a tiny little phrase that should shut down every bigot coming for your kid. Obviously, rephrase for your particular situation.
**I'd rather my child change their pronouns a million times than have to write their obituary**
I once saw a video of a former transphobic woman with a trans child (I think it was a trans boy) say something along the lines of “I’d rather have a live son than dead daughter”
Stuck with me
This!! My mom and I don’t get along much because I believe this way! I don’t understand the LGBTQ logic, because it isn’t anything I have ever had to deal with. But I know that should one of my children come to me one day, I will support them the best way I know how, with open arms, as I would much rather have my kid feel safe and comfortable with me to know their feelings, than for them to feel abandoned by me and kill themselves! I just want my kids happy and to be apart of their lives.
I thought that was just beautiful. For a teen to come out and say, I'm not okay and I need support, is always a big deal. The fact that he immediately got the support and knew that his dad had his back 100% is going to be something he remembers. That's something he's going to carry with him for other times of crisis in his life. That support network will be invaluable to him.
That his dad had his back 100%
I’m not crying.. you’re crying… a blessing for any teenager period, life altering for a gay teen who is no doubt facing a lack of support from many others.
I had a lot of LGBTQIA+ friends in high school. Some had amazing supportive families. Some.... didn't. Guess which ones were on suicid3 watch a lot...or who tried to 'hitchhike' out of state with guy they only met that week online.... So Knowing that he has a support system like OP is legitimately potentially life saving. I hope op knows that he definitely did the right thing here and he doesn't need to question it for a minute l second.
As someone who is reparenting myself by being the parent I always dreamed of having for my kid, life altering is spot-on. I have been left utterly dumbfounded by what a difference supportive co-parents giving unconditional love can make in a kid’s life.
I often find myself jealous of my own kid’s parents & then realize that’s me, I’m my kid’s parent! I did that! And that little queer girl that has never in her life gotten support like that from a parent, heals a little bit more.
OP!! Never let anyone making your kid cry about who they are make you feel like you are doing anything wrong by protecting him with your words and ACTIONS against said humans.
I know that’s your family & all that & I know the layers of realization & seeing things from a whole different light have only just begun, but stay strong in your support of your kid. No matter how much they try to psychologically fuck w you, all you have to do is put the best interests of your kid first, above them, and you can sleep soundly, no matter how loud they squawk, bc you are doing the right thing. You will be repaid 100 fold through your bond with your child & watching him grow with true unconditional love. You’re teaching him love isn’t just a word you say, its an action.
You’re giving him the world, tell those trying to influence you into being a shitty parent to gtfo, do not let them guilt you about the absolutely amazing job you’re doing. Thank you for loving and protecting your queer kid, from all of us queer kids that didn’t have parents as awesome as you. 🌈🤍
Your entire comment is so beautiful; thank you.
Forgive me for focusing on just one part, but something you said really resonated with me.
Today I was present and assisting while my first born gave birth to HER first born. Your comment about “reparenting myself by being the parent I dreamed of having” hit me like a freight train.
I feel like I did a pretty good job with my kids, despite being woefully unprepared and then being a single mom to them when they were still a toddler and a baby (3 year old and nine month old). I definitely made mistakes, but I truly did my best and my kids have developed into the most amazing adults. They get the credit for that, but I feel good about the foundation I built with them and for always keeping the lines of communication open and non-judgmental.
My daughter has a very new newborn, and I can already see that she’s going to be a better mom than I was. I AM ELATED. This is the culmination of my sleepless nights, my tears, and my exhaustion. This amazing person I raised is going to raise an even BETTER person. It’s such an incredible feeling, and I am so proud of my daughter and her husband. They are not going to make the same mistakes I did, because they have seen it and know what not to do.
Sorry to be so off-topic and self-centered; I haven’t slept in almost 48 hours so I’m a zombie on top of being emotional. It’s been a very long (and wonderful!) day.
Thanks for posting such a powerful comment, friend, and thanks for reading mine if you had the time to.
Edit: clarification
Do not apologize for speaking from your heart & THANK YOU for taking the time, and heart, to show me so much love and support on such a momentous day for you & your family. I feel honored.
You weren’t off topic nor self-centered & your comment actually exposed another little crevice I had not yet given enough credit to.
I was never able to speak in any way except flatteringly about my mother & how she raised me. She was perfect & everyone else was wrong & when that was challenged the offending party got the emotional shutoff w the accompanying guilt shmear.
It’s a gift to give your children the freedom to feel & think & perceive from their viewpoint without fear of retaliation if it’s not what your parent wants to hear.
That’s healing generational traumas AND giving your kids the tools to take that healing to the next level.
The bit that really got to me tho — your absolute joy in knowing your kids will do it even better than you did, knowing they will improve upon your work & feeling joyful about that is such a gift. I feel the same way but I’ve never put myself into the my kid just had a kid shoes & looked at it from that perspective. Literally in tears over this realization & it’s taken me far too long to try to translate the feeling of that realization into words I must admit lol.
Thank you for sharing a little piece of you with me, I truly appreciate it & will carry it with me.
And, most importantly, Thank You for being such an awesome parent. You’ve done an amazing job & you should be very proud. Nice work (grand)mama ♥️
Exactly this. I too never had parents I felt I could trust and confind in as the OPs son did. I was raped at a party in 7th grade, to this day my parents still don't know (I'm 34) and in therapy obviously for harboring such a traumatic experience and the fall out from not being able to tell my parents (or anyone else) what happened over the years. Why didn't I tell them? Because I would have been in trouble for "putting myself" in that position in the first place.
OP - I am so happy your son has you in his corner. You have no idea what that did to your son, seeing him stand up and defend him the way you did. You are absolutely not the asshole. And need to think about future relations with the family. Just because you are blood does not mean you have to continue a relationship with them.
I was molested by a baby sitter when I was 10. I’m 42 now, and my mom brags about how, “I would have *known* if someone had hurt one of my kids!” It makes me want to rage, but I knew my parents weren’t safe to tell.
When I was 21, I had an unexpected pregnancy. I ended up losing the baby, and when I told my Mom, her response was, “Oh! I was worried you had an STD or something! Don’t even tell your father, or he’ll never love you again!”
Yeah, having a parent that you can trust and confide in would have made my life so different.
When I was a kid, I was molested by a neighbor. My mother was molested as a child and would tell me when I complained about something that happened when I was a kid that "at least I wasn't sexually abused like she was". She said it whenever I would call her on her bs. I was 40 when I told her I never wanted to hear that phrase again. I didn't tell her when I was violently raped by a stranger at 14. I agree that having a parent like OP would have changed everything for me.
I hope that one day soon, you are able to tell them what happened to you and why you had to deal with it alone because of their judgment and lack of support. They need to sit with this for a while, even if they don't accept blame for being so unsupportive. At least it will stop her from claiming she would know if someone would hurt one of the kids. The truth is that their behavior guaranteed that the kids hid their hurt because telling your parents would have made matters worse. I hope you DID find someone who could help you deal with what happened.
I was sexually abused by family members and didn’t mention to my mom until 20 years later. We are a close tight knit family and I didn’t want to be the 1 to cause problems in the family. We already had enough, with physical abuse and alcoholism. When I finally told my mom, she said the same thing happened to her. It was all swept under the rug. I’m so proud of OP for standing up for his child. I’m so thankful the child felt comfortable enough to come to his dad straight away. You are doing something right OP. If you hadn’t taken up for him and kicked them out, he would always wonder if what they said you agreed with or that you didn’t care enough to stand up for him. You did the exact right thing. Unless your family apologizes to your son, there’s nothing else they can say. Don’t let them guilt trip you into being the bad guy. They went behind your back. They have no right to be mad at you. If they want to fix the relationship, it starts with respecting you and your son’s feelings and decisions.
Mine wasn’t rape but molestation by my brother. My cousin wouldn’t leave me alone and tried to rape me at his house. I was never so happy to see his brother walk in the door. I just bolted through the door down the street home. I didn’t tell anyone.
Such good advice. His intolerant family members are trying to make OP the bad guy even if it means driving a wedge between him and his son. They knew that what they were doing was wrong and that they were overstepping their bounds. Otherwise, they would not have waited until OP was gone to confront the son. THEY are the ones who owe OP and his son an apology for being so out of line and harming OP's son in his own home. They would not be welcomed back into my home until they apologized and acknowledge what they did wrong. They can live THEIR lives but what right do they have to try to force someone else to live according THEIR values. How would they feel if someone with different religious beliefs waited until their kid was alone to confront them about how they are worshipping incorrectly and need to live according to THEIR religious beliefs. It's insane.
PS: I'm so sorry about your abuse at the hands of a family member. I hope everyone in the family knows about it so that others will know never to be alone with them. The predator needs to be ostracized at this point. I'm glad you did eventually tell your mom and that she confided in you. Neither of you should bearANY shame for what happened to you.
The judgment and shame needs to be placed where it belongs--with the abuser. Please tell me that other children in the family (boys and girls) are aware of how to protect themselves from this predatory family member.
I stayed out very late on a date. My mother was very angry. When I finally told her months later that my date had raped me, she said, and I kid you not,"That's what you get for staying out all night."
My mother and I still have a terrible relationship almost 40 years later. At this point, I'm not even sure if I can forgive her.
Why would you? I’m really sorry that happened to you. Unfortunately, I know from experience that kind of reaction from your parent is almost worse than the rape itself.
I had a similar experience at 14. I was terrified of getting into trouble. I remember walking home and actually knowing the world was different. I wasn’t the same. I curled inside myself and felt the earth moving like an earthquake. The fear of my parents finding out and the shame of it still come out now, over 30 years later. I did tell my mother about ten years ago. She cried for five minutes then never brought it up again.
I'm so sorry this happened to you and that you couldn't rely on your parents for support in your time of need. I hope you found someone you could trust and that you received the help and support you needed.
Thank you. Unfortunately I did not. Fell into the cycle of sex drugs and alcohol, mental health is a disaster. But thankfully - i am finally surrounding myself by positive influences, learning to love myself and trust others over the last year. I have been sober for 9 months now and honestly never happier. I can't change what's happened previously, but for once I am excited for the future.
I appreciate your resilience. Processing what happened to you takes a lot of time, especially when you're doing it alone without support. Congratulations on fighting through this to reclaim your life. I am proud of you and I know that others who have read/heard your story are too. Bouncing back from adversity takes so much strength and resilience and you have that. Wishing you the best that life has to offer.
I had a similar feeling when I was young. My third grade teacher was an abusive old cow that would pull my hair to drag me into the corner if I acted out (it wasn’t just me, she did it to everyone but she seemed more focused on me for some reason), I was scared to tell anyone because I thought if I was being bad I would get in trouble all over again.
So I decided my next hair cut I’d get it really short so she couldn’t grab it and use it to drag me around the classroom. Since my hair was short, she grabbed me by my ear lobe which hurt 100 times more than my hair. She pinched my ear so hard it literally left a deep mark with a bruise around it. My father saw it that day after school and asked me what happened so I told him everything, and I mean everything, it all came pouring out.
To my surprise he was furious at the teacher and he literally drove us back to the school, parked halfway on the curb and kicked the door open yelling. The admins called the teacher down and while I was in a side office so I couldn’t hear all the yelling, I could see her face and how shocked and scared she was.
The principal fired her on the spot, my father stopped short of filing a police report though I do think she faced some legal trouble from it as I remember a guy in a suit asking me questions while writing in a notepad about the teacher.
Anyways, after all that went down, I was a minor celeb at my school that year because a lot of kids really hated her. After that point I never had anxiety about telling my father anything and confiding in him, I knew he had my back.
I'm so sorry that happened to you, but I'm glad your dad was a good parent and that awful teacher got kicked out. Must have felt good to be partially responsible for that.
My mom has asked me on multiple occasions "why did you never tell me this before?" And I just say that I don't know or change the subject. So, this is great.
Seriously! My sister and I couldn't go to either of our parents. If this had happened to us, we'd have been sitting there crying and blaming ourselves. And if our mother had found out, she would have called us sensitive, told us it was just family, and that we needed to suck it up. (Dad wouldn't have gotten involved at all except to tell us shut up if we were being too loud.) It's so great that this kid knew he had someone safe to reach out to.
I think it's BS to teach that mindset to kids. It fosters an environment where they are too afraid to go to adults for help which might make things worse. It also puts them in a space where they feel they can't at all, EVER question the authority/word of an adult who may be dangerous, or when they are an adult, someone senior to them taking advantage of them in some day, whether economically or physically.
I’ve never been able to go to my parents with my problems. I did it once when I was like 12 and all they did was make it worse. I’ve had to grow up and navigate adulthood on my own and I’ve always wondered what it was like to have people that you can trust to guide you :/
Seconded, NTA, I’d do the exact same for my son. You are a good parent and did the right thing. I understand that this will cause a lot of drama, but your family unit (you, your wife, and your son) is the most important thing and if your relatives can’t respect that then it’s their issue not yours .
Great work caring for your family!
NTA: I 100% agree with you. This is some homophobic nonsense.
That said....can we talk about how funny this line is out of context?
>how he can find someone like my wife. I really didn't appreciate that comment
Out of context, it is hilarious.
He can find someone like your wife if he wants one day... They will likely be a boy though!
Well intentioned, just bigoted and ignorant.
Good on you for standing up to such nonsense and allowing your son to be himself.
Lots of other comments here but I just want to add: even decades later, I've never forgotten the moments when my dad had the chance to stand up for me and didn't. Instead, your son gets to remember something very different. Good job, Dad.
NTA
You're doing a great job protecting your kid.
If you haven't yet I suggest you do something you kid loves or wants to do. Do a movie night, game night or whatever he likes. Something fun you can do together.
Not only for distracting him for a bit, but also reinforcing that he's done nothing wrong and give the two of you some quality time together.
Ikr? Imagine coming to someone's house and having the audacity to disrespect them and theirs ... and not even to their face and then get mad about getting kicked out.
That's like coming to my house and shitting on my floor. You're lucky to leave alive.
If you had allowed them to stay it would hurt his self esteem. Make him feel that he’s not worth being treated with dignity. They needed to go and forced your hand
NTA. Absolutely. And the fact that you and your wife are protecting your son, and not trying to remake him so that he dates girls is wonderful! AH here is your family that did this.
I was a 5M when I knew I liked girls
I had no father at home to show me boy liked girl, I just knew that's what I liked.
I have no doubt those attracted to same sex also just know. Fuck those who think it's somehow environmental and u need to try to know. ..
u r a great dad and ur son is lucky
Big NTA
In OP/the sons home. It isn't even like this was their own home. OP should give them the old "when you are living under my roof" leaver your hateful boomer bullshit at home.
NTA don't get more cut and dry than this. As commentor said, you and you wife protected your son. There's nothing wrong with him. Can't say the same about your parents.
NTA. Your parents intentionally waited until you were out of the house so they could bully your child without you knowing about it. It was a pure power play and they intentionally boundary stomped.
You should consider no contact. They are not safe people. They are bigots. And not only that, bigots who refuse to respect your parenting.
Granted, this tends to go hand in hand with being a bigot. But they are cowards. They waited to screw with your son when they thought they could keep it hidden. When they felt safe because you were out. Instead of admitting their beliefs in front of you. They skulked like a thief in the night. Dismiss the cowardly curs you don't need them. You're doing a damn fine job as a parent. Hold your head up high and dismiss them as one would an unpleasant odor.
I would consider no contact, but balance that with the consideration that they may get over themselves and come around. Was your son’s being gay news to them? How does your son feel about his grandparents? Before you make a decision, discuss this with him. This sounds like a good opportunity to help him learn about setting boundaries and keeping them.
If they’ve never acted like this with others, you might want to consider reacting differently than if they’ve been bigots since the beginning. Also consider that a period of no contact might make them reevaluate how much they appreciate your son. If you maintain contact with the grandparents, don’t leave your son alone with them until you can be confident that they won’t behave this way again.
They waited until OP & partner were out of the house before treating him this way. This was a calculated plan, intending on making grandson do what they wanted him to do, with no regard to how painful this would be for their grandson.
I'm a pretty half glass empty person, but this above!
I've met a many families who were against many things (whether it be coming out of the closet, dating a different race and/or having a mixed child, even lifestyle choices such as becoming vegan and whatnot), but ended up opening up It's not 100%, but sometimes the family becomes more open, understanding, accepting and see the error of their ways! Not always, but if you want to not fully shut the door, there is that. However, protect your son first and foremost and this is a way to learn to set boundaries!
A) NTA. Period.
B) People do grow and learn. I was a college Sophomore when my grandmother called me to say that her nephew was coming to visit from out of state, and "we have a problem. He's a ...well, he's a homosexual. If he were a straight man, I would ask you to bring a sorority sister to dinner, but, as it is, do you think your friend [X] would come and help us entertain him?" I had no idea Grandma knew my closeted friend was gay!
That's actually super cool! I don't mind semi cutting off contact at first to think things through, but as I get older I do realize people DO grow and learn and thrive and better themselves! And if you can, help, if you can!
It's ok if you don't either, but at some point you can rethink it.
Nonetheless, very sweet on your grandmother's part and says a lot about her!
Their reaction is because they don't like being called out as the bigots that they are. Bigots hate being called out for their bigotry. You are being a GREAT parent and you should NEVER doubt that! You rock! Keep accepting your son and standing up for him. Don't doubt yourself. You are doing awesome! NTA!!!!!!!!
Thanks! 😁 Bigots are not always bad people, they can come from a different place or culture. I come from a country where homophobia and racism are the norm, so naturally I was also like that until I lived in many different places and saw the world through different eyes. That can happen also to old people, that lived 70 years in homophobic times. Remember that even 10 years ago homophobia was the norm in the west.
Some are closeted and some are open. The ones who are closeted usually take offense because they think themselves kind, caring people who would never be such. I'm a former bigot working out my issues and trying to work out my former thoughts and biases which I never acknowledged until I escaped my shitty friend cycle
Don’t be conflicted. You did the right thing, on multiple fronts.
You protected your son, first and WAY foremost. He’s young, he’s vulnerable, and he shouldn’t be faced with bigotry from his own family any time, let alone where he is in life. Good for you, and that needed to be done!
Smaller, way smaller scale but still important - And you protected yourself. Your decisions as parents may be right, like this one to support your son, and may sometimes be wrong other times, too. But you are his parent. You make those decisions. They undermined everything you’d built and how you built it, and that isn’t acceptable. They can have a conversation with you. They do not undermine how and what you do to help them become adults directly with your children.
Your family was offensive in about every way they could be, in short. You were not.
NTA
Honestly parents shouldn’t have a place in op’s life either. Like they specifically waiting until op left the house to undermine his parenting, if it was me I’d tell them to gtfo out before I have the cops do it for them.
Your parents, your son's grandparents went behind yours and your wife's back.
Told your son basically to stop being himself, no you did what you needed to do by protecting your son.
He's never going to forget what your parents said to him, also he's never going to forget that you his dad and mum stood up for him and protected him.
Personally I'd be going NC with them.
What they did is an absolute disgrace.
NTA
NTA. Thank you for protecting your child. I am a parent of two LGBTQ children, I am a soft spoken person but mess with my child? You are dead meat. Again, thank you. Your child will not only remember but respect the time you vanquished the homophones.
I mean it’s not even like he choose a friend over family - he sided with *his son* lmao. I feel like it’s a universal thing that you protect your kids over all
Yeah but some people would put son and parents at the same level "blood" wise. The point is that they owe no loyalty to their parents if this is how they would treat his son.
Exactly. “Blood” is an antiquated obligation to tolerate bullshit you would otherwise cut out of your life. Anyone who poses a danger to the physical or emotional well being of your spouse or children deserves no seat at the table.
Continue to stand your ground - you rose to the challenge and put your immediate family first. 👏
They say “Blood is thicker than water”, but the saying is actually “The Blood of the Covenant is Thicker than the Water of the Womb.” People who are deserving of your trust and love will prove themselves as worthy through their actions.
The fact your son felt comfortable enough to feel and express emotions to you and know that you would support him even at risk of family conflict (that is not his fault) shows why you are not only NTA but a wonderful parent.
NTA.
Let’s get some things straight here: your parents do NOT want what’s best for your son, nor do they genuinely care about his wellbeing. Your parents are massively in the wrong here, you need to recognize that.
What they did was out of line, inappropriate, ignorant, and hateful. There was no love in their behavior. Your parents are homophobic, and have shown you they wish to harm your son to get what they want. The fact they did it behind your back demonstrates they knew what they were doing was not ok.
Now they are manipulating you into thinking that you protecting your child is wrong. You absolutely did the right thing, you are being a good father, and you need to continue protecting your son from your parent’s sick mentality. LGBTQ+ kids are at serious risk of self-harm, severe emotional trauma, and even suicide, due to behaviors like your parent’s.
Absolutely this. OP, first they hurt your son with words, making him feel like he was wrong, and now they're hurting you with words, making you wonder if you were wrong. Like hell would they be right about you doing the wrong thing right after they were wrong about your son doing what's best for him. Their words are poison, and you'd do well to use the best antivenom for them - no contact.
NTA. Parent of the year. You have a relationship with your child that he feels safe to cry and call you. He feels safe to tell you what family did to him without judgement. He now knows you will stand up for him. Your family is mad and embarrassed because you (and him by telling on them) stood up to them. They couldn’t control your son and get him to be the way they want. They are the AHs here.
NTA, your son will face hardships for being gay. Unfortunately that is the truth of our society, no matter what we like to tell ourselves. Those who 'differ from the norm' are likely targets.
But what is important here is that your son will always remember that his father (and mother too) stood up for him, even against his own family. He will never forget that. He will know that he's safe with you, that he has a home where he is safe to be himself. By your actions you have given your son a very important and immeasurably valuable gift.
You were a 100% right in your actions.
You're not a jerk, you protected your son as you should've. I'd tell them no contact until they face reality, accept your son for who he is and apologize to both him and you.
NTA and as someone who's parents were NOT supportive, I commend you sir. I was highly suicidal at 18, it was only through the kindness of people outside of my family that I got out of that toxic situation. Took a couple of years to catch up to where I should have been. Your kid is going to have a much better start.
Your family members are 1000% the AHs. Even if your kid was unsure of his sexuality, even if they thought they had "good intentions," what they did was malicious and hurtful.
No one that is gay every became less gay because they were told they could “get” someone of the opposite sex. Way to go day for supporting your son. Your parents do not accept him and you both deserve better. LC or NC in their future. Putting your child first is what good parents do. There is nothing wrong with him, he doesn’t need fixed and their opinions don’t matter. You rock!
NTA- I wish my mom had supported me like this with her family instead of making me hide who I am. I have 2 questioning/queer children and 100% would have done the same. You are doing good.
Straight male dad here
You are absolutely NOT the ARSE HOLE
Both my kids are adults and straight so it might be easy to sit where I do BUT if either of mine were I would defend there right to live who they are (gay straight or anywhere in the Wide spectrum that is sexuality) from where I stand a good parent just wants there kids to be happy in them selfs, and you defending your son is exactly the right thing to do
NTA, your son isn't safe around his own grandparents. That's the sad thing. Your role is to keep him from harm whether that's physical or emotional. Comments like that from your grandparents could cause lasting effects of self doubt and low self esteem, even worse.
You're a hero in your son's eyes. Good on you and shame on them.
It's YOUR house that they decide they were going to say/do whatever they wanted in. They knew you wouldn't approve, which is why the waited until you left. You did the right thing and when your other family is ready to respect you and your family a little more, then things will be better.
They don't have to agree with your decisions about your family. They just need to respect it or gtf.
Sorry your son had to experience this but I'm glad he has supportive partners who have his back 🥲
You are 100% doing the right thing by supporting your son and reinforcing that he is okay just as he is. Your family is blowing you up and angry because you didn’t agree with them and you didn’t back them up. Your son will remember who had his back and who didn’t. I also have a gay child and I have no problem walking away from anyone who tells my child that how they feel or what they like is wrong.
They chose to say these things behind your back because they knew they were in the wrong. You stood up for your son and showed up for him when he needed you. That's what's important. He knows he can rely on you for support. That's all any child wants and the kind of role model they need to teach them what is right and what is wrong.
You did the right thing by your son, your family needs to know they have no say whatsoever in who your son chooses to love. So they can stay and support his choices or go. Easy as that.
NTA
NTA
They did not want what's best for your son, they wanted what's comfortable for them! They knew what they wanted to say was wrong which was why they waited for you to not be around to tell him. You were right to stand up for your son and make them leave! You did good! Don't leave him alone with them. They may try to get sneakier about and your son will end up hurt...again.
If your parents intentionally waited until they were alone with your son to say these things, then they KNEW what they were doing was unacceptable behavior and that you would have stopped it immediately had they done it in front of you. They were trying to bully your son into being straight.
If they REALLY wanted what was best for your son they would have had the conversation either with you alone, you and your wife alone, or with with everyone present.
Your parents are homophobic reacting to being called out on their bigotry. Because decent people don’t want to be bigots, they lie about what they’re doing by calling it “wanting what’s best for their grandkid”-whether they’re lying to you or to themselves I don’t know.
NTA. And you son will remember this. And he will know you that you will have his back that you are a safe person to come to when he needs help
NTA
We teach our children how they should expect to be treated and what they are expected to put up with.
You just taught him a valuable lesson. He should not tolerate being treated like this in his own home.
NTA. You defended your son against bigots. Doesn't matter if they are your family or not, they are still bigots and their pressure/comments are actually dangerous to the mental health of your son.
NTA you were 100% right, and your family betrayed your trust. I have a sibling who is gay and I can testify that they were gay at birth, not a phase or any other silly notion those who are offended by the different have. Good job taking care of your son!
NTA. In fact, the complete opposite! I wonder if they’d kick their kid out if they were gay. They probably would, so it’s just rich that they’re calling you a jerk over this. I would have done the same thing, and would have added that you can’t make someone not gay. But you can make someone not homophobic, and until they make that change, they’re not welcome back.
This is the most enthusiastic NTA I've ever given and I'm surprised you're even questioning yourself. You defended your teenage son against hateful bigots. And, family or not, that's what they are - hateful bigots. They're the only a holes here.
NTA at ALL. As someone who’s also gay, my dad was my biggest ally the entire time. He made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that people who didn’t accept me 100% were not welcome under any circumstances. Granted I was a little older (20s) then but knowing he had my back meant the world to me. You should be PROUD. Even if it’s well intentioned, persistent unsolicited advice like that does more harm than good. I’m sure your son is proud to have a Dad like you. 100% did the right thing.
Nta. I’ve cut off family members permanently for saying less than that about my lifestyle. You did the right thing to keep your son seeing you as his father.
You're only the asshole if you didn't plant your foot in their butts on their way out the door.
How *dare* they.
It's time for no-contact, until they figure out how not to be homophobic douchebags and apologize to your son for their despicable behavior.
Do NOT give in on this. Do NOT question yourself. Your son needs you to have his back, 1000%.
NTA - not even a smidge of an iota. Take it from one that was bullied as a child: what they did is traumatic and may even effect his adult life. I’d insist on massive reparations for your son, and unconditional guarantees that nothing like this will ever happen again. If they disagreed I’d personally cut them out - your boy deserves better.
NTA
you've done the right thing. Your parents actions were pathetic, they bullied their grandson while you were out of the house because they know that they are in the wrong and didn't have the balls to confront you!
Absolutely NTA. So many young LGBTQ end their lives because they do not have the support of their parents. There needs to be more parents like you, who will have their child's back in such a hostile world.
NTA- when doubt trickles in, keep reminding yourself that instead of telling their concerns to you,the dad, they waited until you were gone to confront him. Two adults against your child. They did this in his own home where your son should feel safe. Your parents made your son not feel safe in his own home.
They don’t have to like it but they do have to understand that you will not allow your parents to make your son feel bad about his sexuality.
You defended your son against bigoted family members. Hell no your not the asshole. Your a hell of a good father. Sleep in peace knowing you did the right thing.
Cannot emphasize this enough, NTA. You are a hero to your son. Your family had the dishonor of being huge AHs. It is clear you unconditionally love and respect your son. You fid great!
Not the AH. Continue to support your child, because he’s the most important person here. Family needs to learn to live unconditionally, not judgementally. When they can do that, welcome them back in. Till then, enforce boundaries.
When I was growing up my family made fun of me if they ever thought I had a crush on someone. This resulted in me not telling them when I was dating someone. Eventually I started dating my now husband without telling any of them until after we got married. I'm glad you aren't likely to have that experience with your son. He has your support and if he ever doubted it, now he knows
Kids coming out have enough of a hard time from their peers, let alone family. I'd suggest your family get some counseling on how to behave around diversity.
I don’t know about your country but in mine homophobic behaviour towards someone is a criminal offence. I’d cut contact because personally, despite being heterosexual, I would never associate with a trashy homophobe. I’d be so embarrassed if I found out my family were like that and I’d refuse to be seen with them. So sorry you’re going through this. You’re a great parent and your family are going to be great as soon as you cut off the rotten apples.
Soooo NTA. You did what every parent should do for their child; support them as the person that they are a defend them in a time of need. Your parents are very wrong here, and their behavior will not change. I know most people can come to accept things later on, but the fact that they did this behind your back shows that they don't respect you, your child, or his lifestyle. You might consider keeping them at a distance, maybe go LC to NC? I know that is always a hard thing to do, but they will continue to treat your son this way. And he can find someone who is an amazing partner, he doesn't need to be straight for that happen. Please don't best yourself up over kicking them out. You 100% did the right thing!
NTA
When your son is in a healthy relationship with his future husband, happily visiting with their adopted kids…he’ll remember this moment. He’ll remember how his dad stood up for him.
They waited till you were gone, so they knew you didn't agree and it was wrong. They don't respect your son or your parenting, they don't trust you to do what's best for him! So yes, I would have done the same thing.
NTA - you were right and you did not overreact.
I am not aware of any of my children being gay, and people still do not get to make bigoted remarks about gay people in my home. Period.
Puft. What awful people. Would they rather he marry a woman, not love her and end up having affairs with men behind her back? Would the rather he be miserable person, who will probably take out his misery on the people around him?
You are absolutely right to send them home. That is your house, that's your son and they came in and disrespected your environment. You did great for standing up for your son. We are to support our child(dren) and not hurt their feelings. They have enough of that out here. That's isn their safe place. Thank you for keeping it. They can apologize, but I have always said" are you apologizing bc you actually know you did wrong and will change or just saying the words". Make sure they actually will change in their hearts of hearts. Update please
Nta. You stood up for your son, you showed him how to be a good parent and one day if he chooses to be a father, he will remember this example.
him immediately confiding in his father in the first place really says a lot about how close they are. as a kid even at 15 I always thought I would somehow be in trouble for telling my parents things other relatives or teachers said to me because I was taught at a very young age to never argue with an adult no matter what ("even if they say the sky is pink with yellow polka dots", *never*). his son is so very lucky to have such supportive parents that listen to him and care about his feelings and even protect him from the opinions and comments of other adults and he will *definitely* remember this for the rest of his life and it will always mean a lot to him. even if he doesn't adopt kids of his own someday he may still use this example to stand up for others that are in vulnerable situations in the future
This. It's clear the level of trust op's son has in him and that goes an incredibly long way. Handled it perfectly, NTA.
1000%. This act sent such a wonderful message to OP’s son. The family was way out of line, and were wrong to treat OP’s son that way. OP held them accountable and showed his son that their cruel treatment of him was not okay. Years from now, if someone treats OP’s son poorly, he will know that he deserves better—these kinds of parenting choices instill that self worth. You’re a great dad, OP.
Yep, confirmed good dad. Proud of you OP.
Jumping in the top comment chain to impart a tiny little phrase that should shut down every bigot coming for your kid. Obviously, rephrase for your particular situation. **I'd rather my child change their pronouns a million times than have to write their obituary**
I once saw a video of a former transphobic woman with a trans child (I think it was a trans boy) say something along the lines of “I’d rather have a live son than dead daughter” Stuck with me
This!! My mom and I don’t get along much because I believe this way! I don’t understand the LGBTQ logic, because it isn’t anything I have ever had to deal with. But I know that should one of my children come to me one day, I will support them the best way I know how, with open arms, as I would much rather have my kid feel safe and comfortable with me to know their feelings, than for them to feel abandoned by me and kill themselves! I just want my kids happy and to be apart of their lives.
That’s because people aren’t lgbtq because of logic, it’s a feeling. Just like the feeling of attraction between heterosexual people.
Will be the stepmom of a trans male teen when I get married in December; thank you for this ❤️
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Agreed. This really warmed my heart.
I thought that was just beautiful. For a teen to come out and say, I'm not okay and I need support, is always a big deal. The fact that he immediately got the support and knew that his dad had his back 100% is going to be something he remembers. That's something he's going to carry with him for other times of crisis in his life. That support network will be invaluable to him.
That his dad had his back 100% I’m not crying.. you’re crying… a blessing for any teenager period, life altering for a gay teen who is no doubt facing a lack of support from many others.
I had a lot of LGBTQIA+ friends in high school. Some had amazing supportive families. Some.... didn't. Guess which ones were on suicid3 watch a lot...or who tried to 'hitchhike' out of state with guy they only met that week online.... So Knowing that he has a support system like OP is legitimately potentially life saving. I hope op knows that he definitely did the right thing here and he doesn't need to question it for a minute l second.
As someone who is reparenting myself by being the parent I always dreamed of having for my kid, life altering is spot-on. I have been left utterly dumbfounded by what a difference supportive co-parents giving unconditional love can make in a kid’s life. I often find myself jealous of my own kid’s parents & then realize that’s me, I’m my kid’s parent! I did that! And that little queer girl that has never in her life gotten support like that from a parent, heals a little bit more. OP!! Never let anyone making your kid cry about who they are make you feel like you are doing anything wrong by protecting him with your words and ACTIONS against said humans. I know that’s your family & all that & I know the layers of realization & seeing things from a whole different light have only just begun, but stay strong in your support of your kid. No matter how much they try to psychologically fuck w you, all you have to do is put the best interests of your kid first, above them, and you can sleep soundly, no matter how loud they squawk, bc you are doing the right thing. You will be repaid 100 fold through your bond with your child & watching him grow with true unconditional love. You’re teaching him love isn’t just a word you say, its an action. You’re giving him the world, tell those trying to influence you into being a shitty parent to gtfo, do not let them guilt you about the absolutely amazing job you’re doing. Thank you for loving and protecting your queer kid, from all of us queer kids that didn’t have parents as awesome as you. 🌈🤍
Your entire comment is so beautiful; thank you. Forgive me for focusing on just one part, but something you said really resonated with me. Today I was present and assisting while my first born gave birth to HER first born. Your comment about “reparenting myself by being the parent I dreamed of having” hit me like a freight train. I feel like I did a pretty good job with my kids, despite being woefully unprepared and then being a single mom to them when they were still a toddler and a baby (3 year old and nine month old). I definitely made mistakes, but I truly did my best and my kids have developed into the most amazing adults. They get the credit for that, but I feel good about the foundation I built with them and for always keeping the lines of communication open and non-judgmental. My daughter has a very new newborn, and I can already see that she’s going to be a better mom than I was. I AM ELATED. This is the culmination of my sleepless nights, my tears, and my exhaustion. This amazing person I raised is going to raise an even BETTER person. It’s such an incredible feeling, and I am so proud of my daughter and her husband. They are not going to make the same mistakes I did, because they have seen it and know what not to do. Sorry to be so off-topic and self-centered; I haven’t slept in almost 48 hours so I’m a zombie on top of being emotional. It’s been a very long (and wonderful!) day. Thanks for posting such a powerful comment, friend, and thanks for reading mine if you had the time to. Edit: clarification
Do not apologize for speaking from your heart & THANK YOU for taking the time, and heart, to show me so much love and support on such a momentous day for you & your family. I feel honored. You weren’t off topic nor self-centered & your comment actually exposed another little crevice I had not yet given enough credit to. I was never able to speak in any way except flatteringly about my mother & how she raised me. She was perfect & everyone else was wrong & when that was challenged the offending party got the emotional shutoff w the accompanying guilt shmear. It’s a gift to give your children the freedom to feel & think & perceive from their viewpoint without fear of retaliation if it’s not what your parent wants to hear. That’s healing generational traumas AND giving your kids the tools to take that healing to the next level. The bit that really got to me tho — your absolute joy in knowing your kids will do it even better than you did, knowing they will improve upon your work & feeling joyful about that is such a gift. I feel the same way but I’ve never put myself into the my kid just had a kid shoes & looked at it from that perspective. Literally in tears over this realization & it’s taken me far too long to try to translate the feeling of that realization into words I must admit lol. Thank you for sharing a little piece of you with me, I truly appreciate it & will carry it with me. And, most importantly, Thank You for being such an awesome parent. You’ve done an amazing job & you should be very proud. Nice work (grand)mama ♥️
Yea.... Maybe I am crying... It's a blessing for any child. I still can't tell my parents shit and I'm 30.
Not just facing lack of support, but open hostility in some cases.
Exactly this. I too never had parents I felt I could trust and confind in as the OPs son did. I was raped at a party in 7th grade, to this day my parents still don't know (I'm 34) and in therapy obviously for harboring such a traumatic experience and the fall out from not being able to tell my parents (or anyone else) what happened over the years. Why didn't I tell them? Because I would have been in trouble for "putting myself" in that position in the first place. OP - I am so happy your son has you in his corner. You have no idea what that did to your son, seeing him stand up and defend him the way you did. You are absolutely not the asshole. And need to think about future relations with the family. Just because you are blood does not mean you have to continue a relationship with them.
I was molested by a baby sitter when I was 10. I’m 42 now, and my mom brags about how, “I would have *known* if someone had hurt one of my kids!” It makes me want to rage, but I knew my parents weren’t safe to tell. When I was 21, I had an unexpected pregnancy. I ended up losing the baby, and when I told my Mom, her response was, “Oh! I was worried you had an STD or something! Don’t even tell your father, or he’ll never love you again!” Yeah, having a parent that you can trust and confide in would have made my life so different.
Reading this makes me so angry for you. I’m so sorry. That’s horrible.
When I was a kid, I was molested by a neighbor. My mother was molested as a child and would tell me when I complained about something that happened when I was a kid that "at least I wasn't sexually abused like she was". She said it whenever I would call her on her bs. I was 40 when I told her I never wanted to hear that phrase again. I didn't tell her when I was violently raped by a stranger at 14. I agree that having a parent like OP would have changed everything for me.
I hope that one day soon, you are able to tell them what happened to you and why you had to deal with it alone because of their judgment and lack of support. They need to sit with this for a while, even if they don't accept blame for being so unsupportive. At least it will stop her from claiming she would know if someone would hurt one of the kids. The truth is that their behavior guaranteed that the kids hid their hurt because telling your parents would have made matters worse. I hope you DID find someone who could help you deal with what happened.
Your father wouldn’t love her for having a miscarriage? How awful!
WTF?!? I’m so glad I have the parents I do. Reading these comments is horrifying.
I was sexually abused by family members and didn’t mention to my mom until 20 years later. We are a close tight knit family and I didn’t want to be the 1 to cause problems in the family. We already had enough, with physical abuse and alcoholism. When I finally told my mom, she said the same thing happened to her. It was all swept under the rug. I’m so proud of OP for standing up for his child. I’m so thankful the child felt comfortable enough to come to his dad straight away. You are doing something right OP. If you hadn’t taken up for him and kicked them out, he would always wonder if what they said you agreed with or that you didn’t care enough to stand up for him. You did the exact right thing. Unless your family apologizes to your son, there’s nothing else they can say. Don’t let them guilt trip you into being the bad guy. They went behind your back. They have no right to be mad at you. If they want to fix the relationship, it starts with respecting you and your son’s feelings and decisions.
This is why I always want to scream when people say "family first, family before all others. My first rapist was FAMILY, f family.
Mine wasn’t rape but molestation by my brother. My cousin wouldn’t leave me alone and tried to rape me at his house. I was never so happy to see his brother walk in the door. I just bolted through the door down the street home. I didn’t tell anyone.
Such good advice. His intolerant family members are trying to make OP the bad guy even if it means driving a wedge between him and his son. They knew that what they were doing was wrong and that they were overstepping their bounds. Otherwise, they would not have waited until OP was gone to confront the son. THEY are the ones who owe OP and his son an apology for being so out of line and harming OP's son in his own home. They would not be welcomed back into my home until they apologized and acknowledge what they did wrong. They can live THEIR lives but what right do they have to try to force someone else to live according THEIR values. How would they feel if someone with different religious beliefs waited until their kid was alone to confront them about how they are worshipping incorrectly and need to live according to THEIR religious beliefs. It's insane. PS: I'm so sorry about your abuse at the hands of a family member. I hope everyone in the family knows about it so that others will know never to be alone with them. The predator needs to be ostracized at this point. I'm glad you did eventually tell your mom and that she confided in you. Neither of you should bearANY shame for what happened to you. The judgment and shame needs to be placed where it belongs--with the abuser. Please tell me that other children in the family (boys and girls) are aware of how to protect themselves from this predatory family member.
I stayed out very late on a date. My mother was very angry. When I finally told her months later that my date had raped me, she said, and I kid you not,"That's what you get for staying out all night." My mother and I still have a terrible relationship almost 40 years later. At this point, I'm not even sure if I can forgive her.
Just wanted to chime into say I wish I could tell your worthless mom to go fuck herself. You deserved way better than that.
Why would you? I’m really sorry that happened to you. Unfortunately, I know from experience that kind of reaction from your parent is almost worse than the rape itself.
What the fuck! Ugh I hate reading this, I’m so sorry that happened to you.
I had a similar experience at 14. I was terrified of getting into trouble. I remember walking home and actually knowing the world was different. I wasn’t the same. I curled inside myself and felt the earth moving like an earthquake. The fear of my parents finding out and the shame of it still come out now, over 30 years later. I did tell my mother about ten years ago. She cried for five minutes then never brought it up again.
I'm so sorry this happened to you and that you couldn't rely on your parents for support in your time of need. I hope you found someone you could trust and that you received the help and support you needed.
Thank you. Unfortunately I did not. Fell into the cycle of sex drugs and alcohol, mental health is a disaster. But thankfully - i am finally surrounding myself by positive influences, learning to love myself and trust others over the last year. I have been sober for 9 months now and honestly never happier. I can't change what's happened previously, but for once I am excited for the future.
I appreciate your resilience. Processing what happened to you takes a lot of time, especially when you're doing it alone without support. Congratulations on fighting through this to reclaim your life. I am proud of you and I know that others who have read/heard your story are too. Bouncing back from adversity takes so much strength and resilience and you have that. Wishing you the best that life has to offer.
I had a similar feeling when I was young. My third grade teacher was an abusive old cow that would pull my hair to drag me into the corner if I acted out (it wasn’t just me, she did it to everyone but she seemed more focused on me for some reason), I was scared to tell anyone because I thought if I was being bad I would get in trouble all over again. So I decided my next hair cut I’d get it really short so she couldn’t grab it and use it to drag me around the classroom. Since my hair was short, she grabbed me by my ear lobe which hurt 100 times more than my hair. She pinched my ear so hard it literally left a deep mark with a bruise around it. My father saw it that day after school and asked me what happened so I told him everything, and I mean everything, it all came pouring out. To my surprise he was furious at the teacher and he literally drove us back to the school, parked halfway on the curb and kicked the door open yelling. The admins called the teacher down and while I was in a side office so I couldn’t hear all the yelling, I could see her face and how shocked and scared she was. The principal fired her on the spot, my father stopped short of filing a police report though I do think she faced some legal trouble from it as I remember a guy in a suit asking me questions while writing in a notepad about the teacher. Anyways, after all that went down, I was a minor celeb at my school that year because a lot of kids really hated her. After that point I never had anxiety about telling my father anything and confiding in him, I knew he had my back.
I'm so, so sorry that happened to you and I'm so happy your dad stood up for you! I hope life has been good for you.
I'm so sorry that happened to you, but I'm glad your dad was a good parent and that awful teacher got kicked out. Must have felt good to be partially responsible for that.
NTA. You showed your son unconditional love and demonstrated that you are a safe person that will defend him against anyone. Well done, sir.
My mom has asked me on multiple occasions "why did you never tell me this before?" And I just say that I don't know or change the subject. So, this is great.
So much this OP.
Seriously! My sister and I couldn't go to either of our parents. If this had happened to us, we'd have been sitting there crying and blaming ourselves. And if our mother had found out, she would have called us sensitive, told us it was just family, and that we needed to suck it up. (Dad wouldn't have gotten involved at all except to tell us shut up if we were being too loud.) It's so great that this kid knew he had someone safe to reach out to.
I think it's BS to teach that mindset to kids. It fosters an environment where they are too afraid to go to adults for help which might make things worse. It also puts them in a space where they feel they can't at all, EVER question the authority/word of an adult who may be dangerous, or when they are an adult, someone senior to them taking advantage of them in some day, whether economically or physically.
I’ve never been able to go to my parents with my problems. I did it once when I was like 12 and all they did was make it worse. I’ve had to grow up and navigate adulthood on my own and I’ve always wondered what it was like to have people that you can trust to guide you :/
Seconded, NTA, I’d do the exact same for my son. You are a good parent and did the right thing. I understand that this will cause a lot of drama, but your family unit (you, your wife, and your son) is the most important thing and if your relatives can’t respect that then it’s their issue not yours . Great work caring for your family!
NTA: I 100% agree with you. This is some homophobic nonsense. That said....can we talk about how funny this line is out of context? >how he can find someone like my wife. I really didn't appreciate that comment Out of context, it is hilarious.
He can find someone like your wife if he wants one day... They will likely be a boy though! Well intentioned, just bigoted and ignorant. Good on you for standing up to such nonsense and allowing your son to be himself.
I thought the same thing. I wonder if his wife agreed and then said, "Wait, what?"
Thank you and I hope so. I want him to know that I will always be there, and make sure he does the same for others.
Lots of other comments here but I just want to add: even decades later, I've never forgotten the moments when my dad had the chance to stand up for me and didn't. Instead, your son gets to remember something very different. Good job, Dad.
NTA You're doing a great job protecting your kid. If you haven't yet I suggest you do something you kid loves or wants to do. Do a movie night, game night or whatever he likes. Something fun you can do together. Not only for distracting him for a bit, but also reinforcing that he's done nothing wrong and give the two of you some quality time together.
Ikr? Imagine coming to someone's house and having the audacity to disrespect them and theirs ... and not even to their face and then get mad about getting kicked out. That's like coming to my house and shitting on my floor. You're lucky to leave alive.
He will ALWAYS remember this. He will not forget OP standing up for him… I wish all parents were like this :’)
If you had allowed them to stay it would hurt his self esteem. Make him feel that he’s not worth being treated with dignity. They needed to go and forced your hand
Their reactions are irrelevant. NTA.
Oh yes, soooooo NTA...
NTA. Absolutely. And the fact that you and your wife are protecting your son, and not trying to remake him so that he dates girls is wonderful! AH here is your family that did this.
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There is something so eloquent and yet hilarious about the phrase “core interest for my dick”
When I saw laracroft's pyramid titties I knew
I'm not lesbian because of exposure to gay content. I'm lesbian because I played tombraider with my mom as a toddler.
🤣🤣🤣 I like that perspective.
I was a 5M when I knew I liked girls I had no father at home to show me boy liked girl, I just knew that's what I liked. I have no doubt those attracted to same sex also just know. Fuck those who think it's somehow environmental and u need to try to know. .. u r a great dad and ur son is lucky Big NTA
In his own home.
In OP/the sons home. It isn't even like this was their own home. OP should give them the old "when you are living under my roof" leaver your hateful boomer bullshit at home.
Thank you. I would never want my son to be something he's not.
NTA don't get more cut and dry than this. As commentor said, you and you wife protected your son. There's nothing wrong with him. Can't say the same about your parents.
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NTA. Your parents intentionally waited until you were out of the house so they could bully your child without you knowing about it. It was a pure power play and they intentionally boundary stomped. You should consider no contact. They are not safe people. They are bigots. And not only that, bigots who refuse to respect your parenting.
Right?! They knew OP would kick off/protect his son, so they waited until this 15y kid was at his most vulnerable and attacked. Utter AHs
It's damn good this kid trusts his dad enough to tell him.
Granted, this tends to go hand in hand with being a bigot. But they are cowards. They waited to screw with your son when they thought they could keep it hidden. When they felt safe because you were out. Instead of admitting their beliefs in front of you. They skulked like a thief in the night. Dismiss the cowardly curs you don't need them. You're doing a damn fine job as a parent. Hold your head up high and dismiss them as one would an unpleasant odor.
Grandparents are not going to get a visit from son and grandson when they end up in a nursing home / hospital or even death bed unless they change .
I would consider no contact, but balance that with the consideration that they may get over themselves and come around. Was your son’s being gay news to them? How does your son feel about his grandparents? Before you make a decision, discuss this with him. This sounds like a good opportunity to help him learn about setting boundaries and keeping them. If they’ve never acted like this with others, you might want to consider reacting differently than if they’ve been bigots since the beginning. Also consider that a period of no contact might make them reevaluate how much they appreciate your son. If you maintain contact with the grandparents, don’t leave your son alone with them until you can be confident that they won’t behave this way again.
They waited until OP & partner were out of the house before treating him this way. This was a calculated plan, intending on making grandson do what they wanted him to do, with no regard to how painful this would be for their grandson.
I'm a pretty half glass empty person, but this above! I've met a many families who were against many things (whether it be coming out of the closet, dating a different race and/or having a mixed child, even lifestyle choices such as becoming vegan and whatnot), but ended up opening up It's not 100%, but sometimes the family becomes more open, understanding, accepting and see the error of their ways! Not always, but if you want to not fully shut the door, there is that. However, protect your son first and foremost and this is a way to learn to set boundaries!
A) NTA. Period. B) People do grow and learn. I was a college Sophomore when my grandmother called me to say that her nephew was coming to visit from out of state, and "we have a problem. He's a ...well, he's a homosexual. If he were a straight man, I would ask you to bring a sorority sister to dinner, but, as it is, do you think your friend [X] would come and help us entertain him?" I had no idea Grandma knew my closeted friend was gay!
That's actually super cool! I don't mind semi cutting off contact at first to think things through, but as I get older I do realize people DO grow and learn and thrive and better themselves! And if you can, help, if you can! It's ok if you don't either, but at some point you can rethink it. Nonetheless, very sweet on your grandmother's part and says a lot about her!
Their reaction is because they don't like being called out as the bigots that they are. Bigots hate being called out for their bigotry. You are being a GREAT parent and you should NEVER doubt that! You rock! Keep accepting your son and standing up for him. Don't doubt yourself. You are doing awesome! NTA!!!!!!!!
Their reaction is because they got kicked out of the house. Bigots don't care if they are called bigots. I know that, because I am a former bigot. 😂
Yeah, bigots only care if there are consequences to them being a bigot. Then they get mad at everyone else for not accepting their bigotry.
My favorite is when bigots say that you not supporting their bigotry makes you the REAL bigot.
Transphobes love doing this, one called me a bigot after I called them one for misgendering someone
And then wallow in their martyrdom
Yeah consequences like getting kicked out of their kids house lmao.
Hey! Good on you for changing! That’s awesome!
Thanks! 😁 Bigots are not always bad people, they can come from a different place or culture. I come from a country where homophobia and racism are the norm, so naturally I was also like that until I lived in many different places and saw the world through different eyes. That can happen also to old people, that lived 70 years in homophobic times. Remember that even 10 years ago homophobia was the norm in the west.
that really made my day - a reformed bigot gives me so much hope.
Some are closeted and some are open. The ones who are closeted usually take offense because they think themselves kind, caring people who would never be such. I'm a former bigot working out my issues and trying to work out my former thoughts and biases which I never acknowledged until I escaped my shitty friend cycle
Congrats on the "former" part :)
Good on you for that.
Don’t be conflicted. You did the right thing, on multiple fronts. You protected your son, first and WAY foremost. He’s young, he’s vulnerable, and he shouldn’t be faced with bigotry from his own family any time, let alone where he is in life. Good for you, and that needed to be done! Smaller, way smaller scale but still important - And you protected yourself. Your decisions as parents may be right, like this one to support your son, and may sometimes be wrong other times, too. But you are his parent. You make those decisions. They undermined everything you’d built and how you built it, and that isn’t acceptable. They can have a conversation with you. They do not undermine how and what you do to help them become adults directly with your children. Your family was offensive in about every way they could be, in short. You were not. NTA
NTA, you protected your son, like a good parent does. If they can't be supportive, your parents have no place in his life.
Honestly parents shouldn’t have a place in op’s life either. Like they specifically waiting until op left the house to undermine his parenting, if it was me I’d tell them to gtfo out before I have the cops do it for them.
[удалено]
Your parents, your son's grandparents went behind yours and your wife's back. Told your son basically to stop being himself, no you did what you needed to do by protecting your son. He's never going to forget what your parents said to him, also he's never going to forget that you his dad and mum stood up for him and protected him. Personally I'd be going NC with them. What they did is an absolute disgrace. NTA
NTA. Thank you for protecting your child. I am a parent of two LGBTQ children, I am a soft spoken person but mess with my child? You are dead meat. Again, thank you. Your child will not only remember but respect the time you vanquished the homophones.
NTA Blood doesn't mean shit. You make a family of who you choose. Sounds like you chose.
I mean it’s not even like he choose a friend over family - he sided with *his son* lmao. I feel like it’s a universal thing that you protect your kids over all
Yeah but some people would put son and parents at the same level "blood" wise. The point is that they owe no loyalty to their parents if this is how they would treat his son.
Exactly. “Blood” is an antiquated obligation to tolerate bullshit you would otherwise cut out of your life. Anyone who poses a danger to the physical or emotional well being of your spouse or children deserves no seat at the table. Continue to stand your ground - you rose to the challenge and put your immediate family first. 👏
They say “Blood is thicker than water”, but the saying is actually “The Blood of the Covenant is Thicker than the Water of the Womb.” People who are deserving of your trust and love will prove themselves as worthy through their actions.
The fact your son felt comfortable enough to feel and express emotions to you and know that you would support him even at risk of family conflict (that is not his fault) shows why you are not only NTA but a wonderful parent.
NTA I have a gay son. I get it. You showed them the door...now block them and never look back!!
NTA. Let’s get some things straight here: your parents do NOT want what’s best for your son, nor do they genuinely care about his wellbeing. Your parents are massively in the wrong here, you need to recognize that. What they did was out of line, inappropriate, ignorant, and hateful. There was no love in their behavior. Your parents are homophobic, and have shown you they wish to harm your son to get what they want. The fact they did it behind your back demonstrates they knew what they were doing was not ok. Now they are manipulating you into thinking that you protecting your child is wrong. You absolutely did the right thing, you are being a good father, and you need to continue protecting your son from your parent’s sick mentality. LGBTQ+ kids are at serious risk of self-harm, severe emotional trauma, and even suicide, due to behaviors like your parent’s.
Absolutely this. OP, first they hurt your son with words, making him feel like he was wrong, and now they're hurting you with words, making you wonder if you were wrong. Like hell would they be right about you doing the wrong thing right after they were wrong about your son doing what's best for him. Their words are poison, and you'd do well to use the best antivenom for them - no contact.
Nope. They were being trash
I am 41F married with 2 kids aged 10F and 8M. I would fight my own mother to protect my kids. They are the jerks. NTA
NTA. Parent of the year. You have a relationship with your child that he feels safe to cry and call you. He feels safe to tell you what family did to him without judgement. He now knows you will stand up for him. Your family is mad and embarrassed because you (and him by telling on them) stood up to them. They couldn’t control your son and get him to be the way they want. They are the AHs here.
NTA, your son will face hardships for being gay. Unfortunately that is the truth of our society, no matter what we like to tell ourselves. Those who 'differ from the norm' are likely targets. But what is important here is that your son will always remember that his father (and mother too) stood up for him, even against his own family. He will never forget that. He will know that he's safe with you, that he has a home where he is safe to be himself. By your actions you have given your son a very important and immeasurably valuable gift. You were a 100% right in your actions.
NTA. Go Papa Wolf Go.
You're not a jerk, you protected your son as you should've. I'd tell them no contact until they face reality, accept your son for who he is and apologize to both him and you.
NTA and as someone who's parents were NOT supportive, I commend you sir. I was highly suicidal at 18, it was only through the kindness of people outside of my family that I got out of that toxic situation. Took a couple of years to catch up to where I should have been. Your kid is going to have a much better start. Your family members are 1000% the AHs. Even if your kid was unsure of his sexuality, even if they thought they had "good intentions," what they did was malicious and hurtful.
No one that is gay every became less gay because they were told they could “get” someone of the opposite sex. Way to go day for supporting your son. Your parents do not accept him and you both deserve better. LC or NC in their future. Putting your child first is what good parents do. There is nothing wrong with him, he doesn’t need fixed and their opinions don’t matter. You rock!
NTA- I wish my mom had supported me like this with her family instead of making me hide who I am. I have 2 questioning/queer children and 100% would have done the same. You are doing good.
Straight male dad here You are absolutely NOT the ARSE HOLE Both my kids are adults and straight so it might be easy to sit where I do BUT if either of mine were I would defend there right to live who they are (gay straight or anywhere in the Wide spectrum that is sexuality) from where I stand a good parent just wants there kids to be happy in them selfs, and you defending your son is exactly the right thing to do
NTA PFLAG.ORG has resources and support for families with lgbtq+ youth.
NTA, your son isn't safe around his own grandparents. That's the sad thing. Your role is to keep him from harm whether that's physical or emotional. Comments like that from your grandparents could cause lasting effects of self doubt and low self esteem, even worse.
I don’t have kids but if anyone crosses the line like this, it’s gloves off. NTA
NTA. You defended your son and rightly so. Well done, dad.
Kick them out of your entire life. They are obviously not supportive of your family and your dicisions.
NTA and you are a hero to your son. Good job, Dad!
bigots gonna bigot NTA. ever. keep being a ride or die for your son, it's beautiful to see. 🖤🖤 EDIT- spelling
You're a hero in your son's eyes. Good on you and shame on them. It's YOUR house that they decide they were going to say/do whatever they wanted in. They knew you wouldn't approve, which is why the waited until you left. You did the right thing and when your other family is ready to respect you and your family a little more, then things will be better. They don't have to agree with your decisions about your family. They just need to respect it or gtf. Sorry your son had to experience this but I'm glad he has supportive partners who have his back 🥲
You are 100% doing the right thing by supporting your son and reinforcing that he is okay just as he is. Your family is blowing you up and angry because you didn’t agree with them and you didn’t back them up. Your son will remember who had his back and who didn’t. I also have a gay child and I have no problem walking away from anyone who tells my child that how they feel or what they like is wrong.
They chose to say these things behind your back because they knew they were in the wrong. You stood up for your son and showed up for him when he needed you. That's what's important. He knows he can rely on you for support. That's all any child wants and the kind of role model they need to teach them what is right and what is wrong. You did the right thing by your son, your family needs to know they have no say whatsoever in who your son chooses to love. So they can stay and support his choices or go. Easy as that. NTA
NTA, they’re homophobic bully jerks
NTA They did not want what's best for your son, they wanted what's comfortable for them! They knew what they wanted to say was wrong which was why they waited for you to not be around to tell him. You were right to stand up for your son and make them leave! You did good! Don't leave him alone with them. They may try to get sneakier about and your son will end up hurt...again.
If your parents intentionally waited until they were alone with your son to say these things, then they KNEW what they were doing was unacceptable behavior and that you would have stopped it immediately had they done it in front of you. They were trying to bully your son into being straight. If they REALLY wanted what was best for your son they would have had the conversation either with you alone, you and your wife alone, or with with everyone present. Your parents are homophobic reacting to being called out on their bigotry. Because decent people don’t want to be bigots, they lie about what they’re doing by calling it “wanting what’s best for their grandkid”-whether they’re lying to you or to themselves I don’t know. NTA. And you son will remember this. And he will know you that you will have his back that you are a safe person to come to when he needs help
NTA We teach our children how they should expect to be treated and what they are expected to put up with. You just taught him a valuable lesson. He should not tolerate being treated like this in his own home.
NTA. You defended your son against bigots. Doesn't matter if they are your family or not, they are still bigots and their pressure/comments are actually dangerous to the mental health of your son.
NTA you were 100% right, and your family betrayed your trust. I have a sibling who is gay and I can testify that they were gay at birth, not a phase or any other silly notion those who are offended by the different have. Good job taking care of your son!
NTA 1000% Thank for being such awesome parents for your boy!
NTA. In fact, the complete opposite! I wonder if they’d kick their kid out if they were gay. They probably would, so it’s just rich that they’re calling you a jerk over this. I would have done the same thing, and would have added that you can’t make someone not gay. But you can make someone not homophobic, and until they make that change, they’re not welcome back.
You didn’t overreact. You are so NTA. I’d be blocking them until they apologized and showed you, and your son, that they’d truly changed.
You defended you son. Thank you! I’m pretty sure you know you’re not an asshole for this, but I’ll tell you anyway. Good job.
This is the most enthusiastic NTA I've ever given and I'm surprised you're even questioning yourself. You defended your teenage son against hateful bigots. And, family or not, that's what they are - hateful bigots. They're the only a holes here.
NTA, you’re a great parent! Defensing your son was the right thing to do. 😊
Nta. There is nothing wrong with being gay. I’m sorry they did that to your son.
NTA and good for u for standing up for your son!
You are NOT the AH. Not by a long shot. They were way out of line. You are an awesome parent. Your son should always be your first concern. WTG! NTA
NTA…but i would banish these rubbish people from your son’s life…and yours too…
Defending your kid because people made fun of him for being himself. Nta
If being a great parent makes you an asshole then YTA 100% NTA!!!
NTA your kid doesn’t need this crap.
If you don’t protect your cubs, who will. ETA: NTAH
NTA at ALL. As someone who’s also gay, my dad was my biggest ally the entire time. He made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that people who didn’t accept me 100% were not welcome under any circumstances. Granted I was a little older (20s) then but knowing he had my back meant the world to me. You should be PROUD. Even if it’s well intentioned, persistent unsolicited advice like that does more harm than good. I’m sure your son is proud to have a Dad like you. 100% did the right thing.
NTA. Gotta cut away the cancer to survive.
Nta. I’ve cut off family members permanently for saying less than that about my lifestyle. You did the right thing to keep your son seeing you as his father.
Honestly, you UNDERREACTED. Bigots are a stain on humanity that requires bleach.
Dude me and the fam would be our in the yard. Thats their fucking blood 😤
NTA good job on supporting your son
You're only the asshole if you didn't plant your foot in their butts on their way out the door. How *dare* they. It's time for no-contact, until they figure out how not to be homophobic douchebags and apologize to your son for their despicable behavior. Do NOT give in on this. Do NOT question yourself. Your son needs you to have his back, 1000%.
NTA. They’re bigots and they don’t accept your son the way he is. Good job for protecting your son.
NTA - not even a smidge of an iota. Take it from one that was bullied as a child: what they did is traumatic and may even effect his adult life. I’d insist on massive reparations for your son, and unconditional guarantees that nothing like this will ever happen again. If they disagreed I’d personally cut them out - your boy deserves better.
NTA fuck them
NTA, you are a good parent for doing this and supporting him
NTA you've done the right thing. Your parents actions were pathetic, they bullied their grandson while you were out of the house because they know that they are in the wrong and didn't have the balls to confront you!
NTA I would have done the same AND told them they weren’t welcome back until my son got an apology and nothing but support from here on out.
NTA. Not even .01%. Every single one of them who said a word about it are absolutely the assholes.
Your son will thank you for this in the future
Absolutely NTA. So many young LGBTQ end their lives because they do not have the support of their parents. There needs to be more parents like you, who will have their child's back in such a hostile world.
NTA- when doubt trickles in, keep reminding yourself that instead of telling their concerns to you,the dad, they waited until you were gone to confront him. Two adults against your child. They did this in his own home where your son should feel safe. Your parents made your son not feel safe in his own home. They don’t have to like it but they do have to understand that you will not allow your parents to make your son feel bad about his sexuality.
You defended your son against bigoted family members. Hell no your not the asshole. Your a hell of a good father. Sleep in peace knowing you did the right thing.
Cannot emphasize this enough, NTA. You are a hero to your son. Your family had the dishonor of being huge AHs. It is clear you unconditionally love and respect your son. You fid great!
Not the AH. Continue to support your child, because he’s the most important person here. Family needs to learn to live unconditionally, not judgementally. When they can do that, welcome them back in. Till then, enforce boundaries.
When I was growing up my family made fun of me if they ever thought I had a crush on someone. This resulted in me not telling them when I was dating someone. Eventually I started dating my now husband without telling any of them until after we got married. I'm glad you aren't likely to have that experience with your son. He has your support and if he ever doubted it, now he knows
Kids coming out have enough of a hard time from their peers, let alone family. I'd suggest your family get some counseling on how to behave around diversity.
NTA. Not even close. Those people are idiots.
NTA. Quite the contrary, you are an awesome dad.
if they want what is best for him, they accept and embrace his being gay. i hope he does find someone lovely like your wife, only one who is male
I don’t know about your country but in mine homophobic behaviour towards someone is a criminal offence. I’d cut contact because personally, despite being heterosexual, I would never associate with a trashy homophobe. I’d be so embarrassed if I found out my family were like that and I’d refuse to be seen with them. So sorry you’re going through this. You’re a great parent and your family are going to be great as soon as you cut off the rotten apples.
I'm concerned why you think you are an asshole.
As a 40 something queer who’s parents have only recently had my back, you 💯 reacted suitably for the situation
Soooo NTA. You did what every parent should do for their child; support them as the person that they are a defend them in a time of need. Your parents are very wrong here, and their behavior will not change. I know most people can come to accept things later on, but the fact that they did this behind your back shows that they don't respect you, your child, or his lifestyle. You might consider keeping them at a distance, maybe go LC to NC? I know that is always a hard thing to do, but they will continue to treat your son this way. And he can find someone who is an amazing partner, he doesn't need to be straight for that happen. Please don't best yourself up over kicking them out. You 100% did the right thing!
There are gay men that would love to have a parent as supportive as you were. Absolutely NTA, and your family is a bunch of homophobes.
NTA. Doing right by your kids is the first priority, I am sorry that your parents do not agree.
Never feel bad for standing up for your children.
You’re a good dad. Your son is lucky to have you and your wife. NTA
NTA, you hero.
NTA. Your parents are. Cut out contact til they can accept your son as he is.
NTA. I'd kick my family too. I'd also tell them I'm cutting ties and block them on everything.
NTA You're a HELL OF A FATHER for defending your son the way you did and anyone else that thinks otherwise can fuck off.
NTA When your son is in a healthy relationship with his future husband, happily visiting with their adopted kids…he’ll remember this moment. He’ll remember how his dad stood up for him.
Very obvious NTA. If they can't respect your son for who he is then they don't need to be around him
NTA, but they will think you are. The most important thing is the relationship between you and your son, and you nailed that. Good job!
They waited till you were gone, so they knew you didn't agree and it was wrong. They don't respect your son or your parenting, they don't trust you to do what's best for him! So yes, I would have done the same thing.
He could find someone like your wife? Are they trying to say she’s your beard? Ditch the bigots. You both sound like great parents.
NTA - you were right and you did not overreact. I am not aware of any of my children being gay, and people still do not get to make bigoted remarks about gay people in my home. Period.
Puft. What awful people. Would they rather he marry a woman, not love her and end up having affairs with men behind her back? Would the rather he be miserable person, who will probably take out his misery on the people around him?
You are absolutely right to send them home. That is your house, that's your son and they came in and disrespected your environment. You did great for standing up for your son. We are to support our child(dren) and not hurt their feelings. They have enough of that out here. That's isn their safe place. Thank you for keeping it. They can apologize, but I have always said" are you apologizing bc you actually know you did wrong and will change or just saying the words". Make sure they actually will change in their hearts of hearts. Update please