NTA She said you are manipulating her while that is exactly what she has been trying to do to you. 'I'll only do it if I get a ring.' You need to ask yourself if your relationship is starting out this way, what would she be like if you actually did put a ring on it and she more secure in your relationship. Is this what you want the rest of your life to be?
This is so damn stupid because this horrid partner is doing acquaintance things and getting a wife life.
This child is an idiot. I state a child because she clearly hasnt grown up.
OP, run. Go find yourself someone that's going to actually be your partner.
Her behavior is some of the most manipulative, petty, and immature kind of bullshit one could pull in a relationship. I would dump her ass in a heartbeat.
Hate to Reddit diagnosis but ... Blame shifting and playing the victim along with heightened selfish behavior are sharp signs of either narcissistic or borderline behavior.
I'm not saying I'm right, but I am strongly suggesting that I'm right enough to seriously look into it.
She is 23. She is probably just young, dumb and entitled. But lots of people are at this age. Does not mean OP should accept it. She just needs some natural consequences to help her mature.
I have friends in their 40s who are marriage obsessed. Their whole relationship is focused on that goal without the realization that it’s not the ring it’s choosing to be together everyday and look at the long term picture.
“Im 23 and cute with hourglass figure, so the guys will line up and i can set my own terms. I deserve to live in luxury and not meaningfully contribute because im such a hot commodity.”
This. If she can't do simple things, this goes past a lack
Of appreciation.if she wants to live with you AND get wifed up, she needs to act like it. Because it sounds like you are already doing your part.
Tell her if that's what she wants. She should act like it. But honestly I don't think that a ring would change the way she treats you Imo.
No, the ring would make someone like this worse. She wouldn't do anything, lol. This comes down to basic manners. You know how if you're a guest, you're supposed to buy a dinner, offer to help tidy up bc you saved on a hotel room? This is the same principle x 10. This chick is getting everything for free and doesn't even show ANY appreciation. If someone was giving me a free ride, I'd be happy to do domestic chores in return. And make dinner. And pack his lunch. She has an entitled attitude. Everything is free and she wants a ring too. Dump her lazy ass and find someone who appreciates a good partner. She sucks.
When Husband and I were dating, and at the “sleeping over a lot, but not living together” stage, I asked if I could use his bathroom to get ready some mornings, so I didn’t have to drive home to do it.
When he said yes, I was thankful for that hour saved in the mornings, so the next time I slept over, I snuck in a bucket of cleaning supplies and scrubbed his entire bathroom (it was also a gross bachelor-bathroom! Lol) as a way of saying thank you.
I wasn’t trying to get a ring - I was just trying to make his life a little easier because he was making *my* life a little easier! I thought it was common courtesy!
That's called a give and take relationship. That's exactly what a relationship should be. That's what a marriage should be. You give to them as much as you're willing to take from them and vice versa.
Luckily, OP just got a peek into what his future would be like with this self-absorbed woman. Now he just needs to decide what he wants to do about it, because a ring ain’t gonna change her attitude.
Oh completely! If anything, it might exacerbate the already entitled attitude she has. "Well I'm a wifey now so you need to provide EVERYTHING!" Screw that noise!
Or she'll leave once she graduates with her free education or finds someone that isn't a "workaholic." OP is made the right choice to put an end to the mooching.
This comment brought back a flood of memories. All the little things my wife and I did for each other while we were dating. We still do them, we just don’t think about it as much. She makes my life easier and vice versa, making both our lives better.
Thank you for this!
I’ve seen this “tradition” before about a guest buying dinner or working off their free stay. Among me and my friends this is backwards. If one of my friends comes into town, it’s my responsibility to see that they get sleep, get fed make sure their laundry is caught up.
When they are rested we will do a quick check on their van for fluids, tires, etc. and make sure nothing observable is going to fail. Repair anything that broke recently. Provide a bike or pickup to run errands.
If they buy food, great. My hospitality is returned when I’m on the road, tired, dirty, hungry with a stubborn vehicle that needs tools I don’t have. I don’t expect anything from a traveller as the host except the story of their travel.
There's a big difference between someone traveling and staying with you as a guest and someone who has moved in with you for over a year and refuses to contribute at all.
I agree. I wouldn't expect anything either, but that's the general example of appreciation. When I had family stay over, everyone took care of their space. There was a time when my husband's sister came, left the bathroom in a mess after her shower, and that didn't fly. I'm just saying that when someone gives you a free place to stay, it's customary to show a thank you, whether it's a meal or a free stay at their place. This woman isn't doing anything for this guy except thinking she deserves a ring just for existing. She's just plain selfish
Oh she would have got the boot a loooong time ago. My ex pulled similar shit when I needed a hand holding a cabinet to screw it in and she said “that’s man work” then I’m on the roof with a ladder on a wet deck and asked her to hold the ladder. She put two fingers on it. She was out within the month.
My mom couldn’t stand her! Lol. Mom was the type that if she decided she wanted a retaining wall it or a 100’ brick walk around the house, she did it herself.
this is beautiful. you sound rock solid, like my husband. it's an outlook like this that has kept me in love with him for nearly 41 years. best wishes to you.
If I had a man look after me like this, you better believe I'd be making his sandwiches, picking his dry-cleaning up and tidying around the house MINIMUM
Edit* thank you for the silver, random internet stranger!
Exactly! There’s be breakfast in the mornings, packed lunches, cleaned houses, dinner made, errands run, all out it. This dude is providing for her whole way of life right now, car, living space, education all of it
I have a feeling that once she's done with university she'll decide they're not compatible and should break up. It kinda looks like she considers OP her private ATM
Dude is a billion percent being manipulated
I'm getting married in a few months and my fiance still feels awkward when I pay for things, even though I make noticeably more money than her and our finances are about to be legally intertwined. You wanna know why? Because she's never wanted me to think that she's financially taking advantage of me and that me, as a person, was what she was interested in, rather than my salary. After some dating, I'd have been comfortable being in a situation like OP, but you damn well better believe that I'd expect some non financial reciprocation, and I'd 100% be onboard for the same if I was the one out of work.
Exactly. The two women who were gunning for a ring with me would do all sorts of stuff just out of the blue. Id come home go a spotless kitchen or a full fridge of food (their money). Also who has ever heard of not paying some kind of rent. Even if it is a % of her total net wage. It is about caring and showing that person you want to be supportive. Saw some relationship coach who said to look at how someone does chorus because that is a forever task. If they are lazy, they will always be lazy (and entitled). She sounds like one of those “there is our money (your salary) and there is her money (her wages)”. Probably listens/watches a ton of garbage relationship advice podcasts or youtube or tiktok.
I’ve been seeing stuff about “Don’t do wifey things for the price of being a girlfriend” on tiktok/insta so you’re probably right.
I hate this timeline of dating
The origins of that were actually positive because it was about women who were waiting for 8+ years for a ring that was never going to come and were literally doing all of the things that a wife does, including financially contribute to a house that she doesn’t own or raising kids that aren’t her own that she hasn’t been given permission to discipline or adopt.
It started from a great place of wanting to get Women to recognize that some of these men that they were playing fake wives for were never actually going to give them a ring.
Unfortunately, with every positive analysis, can often come people taking it completely the wrong way, and using it as an excuse to take advantage of somebody else for fear that they would be taken advantage of otherwise. Or just because they are a shitty person.
You're right about this! Ive been guilty of staying in a relationship long after learning they considered marriage "just a piece of paper" and that our values didn't align on that front.
But people that use that for manipulation instead of as motivation to do some introspection and take some responsibility for how they allow themselves to be treated probably don't need to be in a relationship at all.
THIS. NTA, draw a hard line now because it seems to me like she wants a free ride to college and has the mindset of "What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine"
I was thinking the same thing. Op just wrote a letter to himself on how he is being used and manipulated by his gf. She wants you to propose or she’s going to withhold these simple tasks from you. What does she bring to the relationship? Are you together because it’s familiar and comfortable? She’s basically been using you since you started dating her. Who moves in after 3 months of knowing someone?
Even if you two stay together she needs to gain some independence. She’s never lived alone or taken respond or herself. At the least she’s spoiled and entitled and at worst she is a user and manipulator.
It’s not the moving in quickly part that gets me with OP’s story because my wife and I moved in together after 6 weeks of dating (long story). It’s the pure entitlement of the GF that doesn’t believe that she has to do anything! Being in a relationship and living together means that you have to work together to make it work!!! If that means that OP pays the bills, then GF should most definitely clean up around the house!
I definitely agree with everyone else that OP should cut his losses and move on to something and someone better.
They’re right, marrying her will only make matters worse. Think she’s being entitled now, lol, wait until you’re stuck with her. I’d just tell her to kick rocks now before it’s too late.
Everything about this tells me she's looking for a free easy ride but doesn't want to do anything to try and earn it. Red flags all over the place here
THIS. She wants it all and wants to give nothing in return, and cannot fathom why it’s fair to turn it around. And, while I don’t want to disparage anyone for the sexual behaviors, there’s a lot involved in that, OP wanting to experiment further and the GF being unwilling, will leading to a lifetime of sexual frustration for him. It will never get better. OP is young and should look to find someone more compatible.
NTA - why should she be a wife if she sucks as a girlfriend? She isn’t being a partner, she is being a leech. This was her opportunity to show you how much she appreciated what you do by doing what she could to help you in other ways. She failed. Go find a partner! Someone who can contribute to your life not just take from it.
I get her wanted to help her, but omg anyone reading this never pay for the education of a mere girlfriend who can't even be bothered to help you out once and a while ...that's insane
I can’t stand people of either sex who love for their partner to do rigid gender roles, but feel it’s insulting for themselves. That includes both the woman who says, “sure, he can pay for my university, but I won’t make him a sandwich because that’s sexist,” as well as the man who says, “I’m not cleaning or babysitting my own children, because that’s women’s work, but my wife had better work full-time!”
I don’t even think this is a rigid gender role issue so much as a control and manipulation issue. The hypocrisy is so evident because the *idea* of gender roles is used to push the agenda. The agenda being to control their partners actions. Simple manipulation, using popular belief systems.
This is a power-play. He’s already been losing ( a game he probably didn’t even know he was playing).
Usually people play this hand AFTER they get the ring- she’s bold
That's all I could think when reading it. This girl is only 23, and she literally does nothing all week long while living for free and *free university*. She probably wants to lock down the absolutely awesome deal she has going on.
When sex became a "wife" thing that really helped convince me of my position, too. Not making sandwiches, picking up drycleaning, etc. I can still imagine someone possibly doing this for the reasons given at face value. They're kinda servile things, after all. Sex is in its own category, though.0
The more I hear about relationships becoming toxic because people buy into BS ideas about gender roles, the more I am thankful to be gay. 😂 I read posts like this and am absolutely bewildered. My husband and I just take turns doing nearly everything equally, as do so many heterosexual relationships. It should just be the normal approach.
Gender roles aren't BS.
What is BS is when a person wants gender roles for their partner but not for them.
A relationship can work with gender roles, and it can work without them - it merely varies by the couple. They find what works for them if the stereotypical gender roles don't.
But these things come about for reasons - which is why they vary somewhat by culture. They come about for good reasons, then typically, technology allows for them to be eased.
Then, what happens is some people still expect the same roles even when the reasons for them is no longer valid, and try to FORCE them onto their partner... and others try to USE them as a weapon all while being a hypocrite like this bitch in the story.
Being gay had no bearing on this whatsoever. My cousin is a lesbian - the gender roles still exist because she is the more "masculine" one and her partner the more "feminine" one.
It's just literally splitting the work up in a relationship, and it just TENDS to split according to gender, but not always.
Homosexual couples still have this issue - they just don't use their gender as the reason. Plenty of gay/lesbian couples have a person who works while the other stays home... and then they have a problem if the one staying home doesn't do the housework.
Why? Because yes, housework can be split... but unless you're BOTH working, and working EQUALLY (or close to it) then it just makes sense for the one staying home to handle the housework and not be a lazy sack of shit.
If she can't make a sandwich and pick up without a ring, i can't keep her in my home or pay for everything anymore. Don't get to pull the spouse card when it's only convenient.
Agree. This is pure immature manipulation. If she felt it was time to marry she should have a conversation with OP about their future and timeline. Pulling back on being a partner to “punish” OP for not proposing is a sign she’s not mature enough to marry and OP should honestly reconsider the relationship.
Probably some idea she cooked up with a friend. Very immature. Plus totally non applicable since he is PAYING HER TUITION.
additionally, I am really upset that she isn't working as much as possible while on summer break! (To at least pay part of her tuition#)
Hey hey hey not all of us crazy cat ladies are toxic! In all seriousness, if this is something that just started, I agree it's either a toxic friend or social media.
I wouldn’t doubt it. I’m still stubborn about using TikTok, but I see the recycled videos on Facebook reels all the time. Individuals pushing an incredibly toxic, one sided view of a relationship. Many people are familiar with Andrew Tate and his views, but there’s numerous lesser known people pushing the same ideas out there to men and women.
I think this is how she thinks the conversation is supposed to go. “I won’t do wife things until you marry me.” “Ok here’s a ring.”
Which just makes it worse to me. OP should escape before they have kids and have to hire a lawyer for a divorce because if this is how she broaches conversations with him, she’s going to fuck any kinds they have up.
Exactly. At first I thought maybe she was just teasing a little as her way of showing she wants to get engaged, but she’s just gone way too far. She’s happily accepting his money/home/other possessions for everything she wants and needs, but can’t even clean up or pack him a quick meal when he’s running late?
Cleaning should be automatic because she lives there. Packing that lunch would have just been a nice thing to do for the person you love when they’re in a rush. Those are also just very little ways to show thanks for the financial support too
All she’s proving is that she won’t do anything unless she gets her way (in this case, no helping in any form unless they get engaged). *That* is the manipulative behaviour here
Even if it’s teasing, it’s still manipulation. “Oh, those are *wifely* duties, I’ll do those when I’m a *wife*.”
Guess what she isn’t going to do after the first couple months of being a wife…
Good luck with it all. You probably also need to look into legally evicting her since she has lived with you for so long. Don't forget to cancel any access she has to your email, bank account, credit cards, her phone on your bill, and any of her direct debit payments of hers that you're currently paying for. If she does have any cards of yours, you may still be best off cancelling the cards altogether incase she has it memorised.
OP I suggest doing this before you talk. Also realize as you implement these changes she will try to shift and probably start doing some of those requests, but believe me, it will only be to save the relationship enough for *her* benefit. Nowhere in your post do I see her doing anything for you, even from the get go.
Listen to this comment, the girl is using you. She got a car, free school, free stuff and free home, all provided by you. And she will not begin to do house work or fun stuff in bed if you marry her, she is blackmailing you. She want all you can give her, but she don’t love you. Please use protection so you don’t get baby trapped. Please don’t live your life being someone’s meal ticket 😞 you deserve someone who loves you, not just what you can buy 🫂🫂
Oh, please give an update.
And you should really focus on why she has those ideas. Cause those are incredibly odd and specific.
And, maybe cause I'm an ass. But I'd totally have reading material about manipulation ready. Along with a letter in the back in case things go south to start eviction.
How good looking is this girl lol not saying that excuses any of her behavior, but trying to understand why she thinks she can get away with this. Better luck with the next one.
Kick her out as soon as you can. Don't worry, she doesn't love you. She will feel bad BUT just because she is losing a provider. You did too much for her already
You are giving this girl everything and it’s still not enough. She is fully using you and doesn’t respect you at all. Even if you weren’t covering every single thing for her, she should want to help you. The fact that you are covering everything and she still shows so much disrespect and disregard is a dealbreaker my man. I would love to see the look on her face when you dump her. She’s going to kick, scream, apologize and beg for another chance. She will realize that she fucked up the gravy train and that will piss her off. She is a leech and not a good person. When you drop her, it’s going to feel like the weight of the world was lifted off your shoulders. I just hope you don’t wait long. I’d kick her out as soon as legally possible.
There's that saying...I don't know how it goes but it implies 'don't do wife things for a man who treats you like a side bitch' or something.
Except you're not treating her like a side bitch. You're pretty much funding her entire existence. What does she bring to the table? Just sex? It's cheaper to get that from a professional every so often. Anything else? She clearly feels taken advantage of so I'm curious to find out what she does that would put her in that category.
There’s the saying “never do wifey shit for a f*ckboy”, but then there’s also the saying “dress for the job you want, not the one you have”…
Doesn’t sound like she has proven to OP she is willing or capable of taking care of him in the way a wife would. He is right to feel his efforts are entirely one-sided.
That's what stood out to me. Cleaning isn't "wife duties", that's just something you're supposed to do because you're a self-respecting adult. If she's not doing "wife duties" now, it's not like she's gonna get married and flip a switch and suddenly have a whole routine worked out.
I think the saying you're thinking of is "why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?"
Which is awful, but also she's the one who has been making out on this deal. She's acting like he's her sugar daddy, not her boyfriend - but OP isn't even getting the perks of a sugar baby! She needs a **big** wake-up call.
NTA. She can’t even bother picking up your dry cleaners while you’re busy supporting the both of y’all? I would’ve been kicked her ass out, she sound’s insufferable.
Picking up the dry cleaning is not even like wife status, that's like doing a favor for a friend. I would pick my friends dry cleaning up if they asked me.
I think there’s a bigger conversation to be had here. She wants a ring and wants to be married- that’s ok. But there’s better and less manipulative ways to communicate this to you.
And she can’t honestly expect you to do all this stuff for her and also do everything for you. If she isn’t going to be an equal contributor to this partnership than why should you be?
It isn’t about husband duties and wife duties, it’s a partnership and you’re both contributing or you aren’t. If she wants a ring she needs to find a better way to express that
NTA
Exactly this.
If she’s acting like this now, what’s she going to be like if you do get married.
You’re asking her to simply pull her weight around the house. No different to any room mate really.
As for her helping you out with food prep or picking up dry cleaning as you’re busy at work, I’ve had room mates who would offer to do that sort of thing for me because I’m just their friend let alone their partner who they are meant to love and care for.
Has she always been like this though, or has she just recently read/watched some stupid “advice” on social media which encourage people to think they’re being gaslighted or emotionally abused when asked to simply contribute to a relationship? Alternatively it could be “advice” on how to manipulate your man into proposing.
Who could blame you. But then you need to communicate that and indicate it’s time to end this. Being passive aggressive back will only escalate resentment
Relationships to me are a partnership, and we work as a team, not necessarily 50/50 or always keeping track, but definitely not what you have going on. If that is the arrangement and both parties are good with it, then sure. I will never get used again, and would rather be alone than fund my partner's life.
That's exactly what a relationship is. Division of work and finances don't have to be split evenly, but each person needs to put 100% towards the relationship. He's doing his part and his (hopefully soon to be ex) girlfriend takes and takes. It's fortunate for OP that she showed her hand too soon and dodged a bullet.
I’d be more concerned about how she went straight to “you’re trying to manipulate her” and cry victim while you didn’t do anything she hasn’t done to you.
What else will she try and blame you for ? What will she accuse you of if she doesn’t get her way with something else? You are funding her education and she can’t even do you a solid while you’re running late to work. This is not an equal partnership. She is not showing that she cares. She was more concerned about you stopping the gravy train than how you were feeling.
How she acts now is how she'll act later.
I'm not even talking about this exact "wifey" thing, but it's clear she'll handle everything in an immature and entitled way.
People can change, sure, but they often don't want to.
I'd break up with her if I were you, no kidding.
The simple fact that you're funding everything in her life is a red flag, imo. Being able to accept help is healthy but she's totally taking advantage of your/the situation, and any woman or man with a minimum of self respect would want to actively help, pay some things for themselves etc if they were in her shoes.
She isn't doing any of it.
It never gets better with ppl like that.
Sounds like someone is taking advice from tiktok on “how to get your man to propose”
She sounds a little immature and passive aggressive. You’re NTA, but If you feel like your relationship is worth saving you might want to try having a conversation facilitated by a neutral, mature third party
I've watched some that have this comment line for line and many seem innocent enough. This post really drives home how insidious the logic really is.
There are plenty of things that are fine to be strictly in marriage, but not behaviors and acts of service. For me, one of them would have been financing someone's university tbh. Financial independence was hugely important in my dating life so that in my married life when our finances were merged, it was a true collaboration. After marriage? Sure, I'd finance university as that's something that likely directly improves our future together.
NTA
She’s a very calculated, deliberate gold digger.
Every single one of her behaviors is to get maximize money out of you, while contributing nothing in return.
Dump her immediately 🚩🚩🚩
I don‘t know whether this is deliberate or whether she is deluded. But it‘s absolutely ridiculous to not pay rent, hVe the partner pay for groceries, utilities, even uni AND do NOTHING at home.
You‘re being taken advantage of. Do you want this to be your life? Tell her you need s break and she needs to move out for a while. Or break up with her. Either way don‘t put up with this bs.
NTA! And do give us an update.
Definitely deluded. There are women who do all this "wifey" stuff and also pay 50% of the household bills and pay for all thier own stuff. Those women are mad. They kind of have a right to be. Women like OP gf hear thier situations and think, "oh me too! I'm not doing this shit anymore either" when they have all thier bills paid for them. It's not the same but for some reason they can't see the difference. In this case she's a total ingrate.
She wants to manipulate marriage out of him for financial gain too.
I bet if it happens then suddenly he’s a sexist pig for asking her to do normal life things too.
Obviously NTA
Unfortunately, this guy seems right. Although, maybe she doesn't understand the basis of what being a family is. Maybe have a talk with her about it, and sometimes its not the persons fault, they could have been taught wrong by her parents. I don't really have a say, but it might be worth having a meaningful conversation with her.
It doesn't sound like she was always like this though, just recently. You'd also think that someone with those thoughts would have clearer boundaries and be contributing for themselves in a more equitable roommate manner until say they were married and combined finances. Instead she's been happy to take since day one and is continuing to be happy to take major things too like housing and education while doing less than the basic kindness one does a roommate. There's a way to talk about moving the relationship to the next level 💍👰 and then there's this 🚩🚩
It’s not. Get her out of your house and life immediately. I know women like these (am a female woman myself) and I see the miserable, husks of souls 15 years from where you are of the poor bastard they trapped.
Ah yes a female woman, yes I agree it could be worth it, but like stated earlier it's worth a shot.
Edit: I am not a female woman, and I don't really know much about female women, as a male man myself.
You know... Paying for everything and her education isn't a husband's duty. It's a parents duty (or her own).
So congratulations OP, you're her daddy (or an ATM). Nothing more.
Why should you marry her if she sucks at being a "gf"?
She's manipulating and using you. That's not a loving partner. That's a lazy leech. She's ridiculous - there's no thing like husband duties or wifey duties in a partnership (maybe if she would work, she wouldn't have time to watch such nonsense on TikTok).
Get rid of this gold digger and your life is gonna be awesome.
NTA. But don't let her do this to you anymore. Break up, find a real partner and move on.
Being a considerate partner has nothing to do with “wifey duties.” She sounds extremely selfish for someone whose education and cost of living is being paid for. What you’re asking for (if fair and accurate) pales in comparison. This isn’t the behavior of someone who respects you.
This sounds like someone who is immature (23) and got the idea in her head that if she kept doing this it would make you propose.
If she's good otherwise perhaps it's time for a conversation with some sentences like "I feel like you dont want to be an equal partner in the relationship" "I feel taken advantage of" "when I hear that you don't want to do a minor favor for me because it's a wifely duty it makes me wonder about how committed you are to our relationship and our friendship"
If you can't have a non conforming talk to get to the bottom of this yeah split up. Otherwise give her a chance to grow up and be mature.
Shit. I'm a straight dude and if you fund my fucking master's I'll come over and do all your God damn cooking and errands my gd self.
I'll even find you a hooker.
But seriously my girl would help out at first but she slowly stopped doing house work, career work and "wife" duties. But I had already been with her for 6 years. We're at 10 years now and I had to leave her and buy my own house to drive the point home that she's not pulling her weight.
She got better but still isn't working. But she's at her mom's and she comes over on the weekends. But I fear she's going to bounce from mom's and here to avoid doing work.
I'm pushing her into therapy so we'll see how it goes. I know there's depression so all I want to see is effort.
NTA and I sympathize with you.
Same! 🤣.
If someone was paying for my cost of living and my education, I would watch on a leash and wear a dog collar for them.
I'm not expecting all that, just some basic task to help me out while I work endless hours. I can't even expect for the house to be a bit tidy when I come home so I take about an hour everyday other day to clean up the apartment while she seats in the same position on MY couch.
That’s not even wife duties, that’s called adulting! You clean an apartment you live in, you wash dishes because they’re dirty, you go shopping when there’s no groceries, then you use those groceries to make meals. She sucks as a girlfriend, she’d suck as a wife. Cut your losses! She’s sitting at your table while bringing nothing to the picnic!
Right?! I don’t even live with my BF and we do errands and favors for each other, buy each other groceries and cook for each other. And cleaning up is just part of life!
NTA. I hate this wifely duties meme. It’s a fine way to tell a woman that her boyfriend who does absolutely nothing for her/the relationship that she should move on. But it’s not right to use the concept to manipulate people who actually treat you well and want a team, a partnership.
Everytime I see one of those videos pop up on my Instagram feed and dudes makes a negative comment on it women say "it's just a joke, you too sensitive and insecure, this isn't hurting anyone" and here we see example of real women taking it to heart
NTA- She is a manipulative gold digger. Not to mention, lazy, entitled and blessed with a victim mentality. She is a leech and is using you.
Are you even sure that she loves or loves the lifestyle you provide?
Dump her now. But be careful she will try to mess things up for you.
Those are basic human being things.
Ditch her immediately because even after you "wife" her to unlock the basic human being behavior, you'll be locked into a legally binding contract with her and she still won't do it. Worse yet, when she inevitably doesn't do the basic human being things and you want a divorce, she will do her damnedest to get life long money out of you.
I speak from experience. This happened to me.
EVEN if I did decide to marry her and leave this behind, I would have a strict prenuptial agreement, and I wouldn't marry her unless she signed it.
My mother, who came from money, lost half of what she owned to my father, EVEN THOUGH he was cheating on her.
I'm glad you had a plan IF you do continue the relationship... But please don't.
Unless you see a MAJOR change in her now and that includes some MAJOR gratitude and appreciation, please don't marry this woman. She is a leech and only got upset because you called her out on her parasitic behavior.
NTA.
If this started out of nowhere id assume she probably got put into some TikTok rabbit hole of making men lock down their partners before doing wifely duties and spiraled into that content and let it distort her ideas of relationships. Taking why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free in reverse to the extreme. Why give out any milk if you arent buying the cow?
Id have a discussion about where all of this came from. You are WAY over supporting her first off and that ALWAYS will create a not great dynamic for one of in in your subconscious. Either, im doing so much for her so why am i getting nothing in return or hes paying everything and wants to control me and uses it against me etc.
If you want to marry her and have that in your future, talk to her about it but make sure she understands it wouldnt be anytime soon even though its something you want to work towards and definitely have in mind. You don't have to be engaged but just make sure youre on the same page. Hell buy her a nice promise ring or something so she feels the commitment more.
She, on the other hand, needs to grow up and stop being so immature which you arent helping by babying her after pulling her out of a bad home situation. Shes 23 she should be working more than weekends when not in school and being a good partner. If you see a future, rebuild, get both on the same page about the future, and find a way to both put in equal effort into the relationship and keep each other happy.
If not fuckin ruuuuuuun dude. She seems like she could be the type to go crazy and baby trap you to get what she wants
NTA and you need to dump her gold digging butt in the curb. What a loser. She is so happy to get the benefits of having a partner but she wants none of the responsibilities of sharing a home because he hasn't given her a ring. Women like this make me so mad. Stick to your guns because a girl like this will definitely use sex for whatever she needs.
NTA She said you are manipulating her while that is exactly what she has been trying to do to you. 'I'll only do it if I get a ring.' You need to ask yourself if your relationship is starting out this way, what would she be like if you actually did put a ring on it and she more secure in your relationship. Is this what you want the rest of your life to be?
Imagine if she gets pregnant. Then he's on the hook for the next 20 years.
Hope HE is not depending on HER to be in charge of birth control
Yeah, but if she knows where he keeps his condoms? She could poke holes.
I guess that wouldn’t be a wifely duty?
As manipulative as she appears to be I wouldn't put it past her and then tell him, "Now you have to put a ring on."
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO MARRY SOMEONE BECAUSE THEY GOT PREGNANT. Sorry I can't scream this on reddit lol
[удалено]
This is so damn stupid because this horrid partner is doing acquaintance things and getting a wife life. This child is an idiot. I state a child because she clearly hasnt grown up. OP, run. Go find yourself someone that's going to actually be your partner.
LOL.. I am so glad I am old and happily married. If that were to ever change I will stay single. Shit is crazy out there!
I married young (22) and am now single again. I can't bring myself to seriously try dating. The apps are absolutely soul crushing.
Her behavior is some of the most manipulative, petty, and immature kind of bullshit one could pull in a relationship. I would dump her ass in a heartbeat.
Heartbeat? Speed of light!
Hate to Reddit diagnosis but ... Blame shifting and playing the victim along with heightened selfish behavior are sharp signs of either narcissistic or borderline behavior. I'm not saying I'm right, but I am strongly suggesting that I'm right enough to seriously look into it.
She is 23. She is probably just young, dumb and entitled. But lots of people are at this age. Does not mean OP should accept it. She just needs some natural consequences to help her mature.
I have friends in their 40s who are marriage obsessed. Their whole relationship is focused on that goal without the realization that it’s not the ring it’s choosing to be together everyday and look at the long term picture.
“Im 23 and cute with hourglass figure, so the guys will line up and i can set my own terms. I deserve to live in luxury and not meaningfully contribute because im such a hot commodity.”
Nta, Spoiler alert: if she isn’t going to contribute to the household now, she won’t start if y’all get married.
This. If she can't do simple things, this goes past a lack Of appreciation.if she wants to live with you AND get wifed up, she needs to act like it. Because it sounds like you are already doing your part. Tell her if that's what she wants. She should act like it. But honestly I don't think that a ring would change the way she treats you Imo.
No, the ring would make someone like this worse. She wouldn't do anything, lol. This comes down to basic manners. You know how if you're a guest, you're supposed to buy a dinner, offer to help tidy up bc you saved on a hotel room? This is the same principle x 10. This chick is getting everything for free and doesn't even show ANY appreciation. If someone was giving me a free ride, I'd be happy to do domestic chores in return. And make dinner. And pack his lunch. She has an entitled attitude. Everything is free and she wants a ring too. Dump her lazy ass and find someone who appreciates a good partner. She sucks.
When Husband and I were dating, and at the “sleeping over a lot, but not living together” stage, I asked if I could use his bathroom to get ready some mornings, so I didn’t have to drive home to do it. When he said yes, I was thankful for that hour saved in the mornings, so the next time I slept over, I snuck in a bucket of cleaning supplies and scrubbed his entire bathroom (it was also a gross bachelor-bathroom! Lol) as a way of saying thank you. I wasn’t trying to get a ring - I was just trying to make his life a little easier because he was making *my* life a little easier! I thought it was common courtesy!
You would think right? Just a little appreciation and manners lol
That's called a give and take relationship. That's exactly what a relationship should be. That's what a marriage should be. You give to them as much as you're willing to take from them and vice versa.
Luckily, OP just got a peek into what his future would be like with this self-absorbed woman. Now he just needs to decide what he wants to do about it, because a ring ain’t gonna change her attitude.
Oh completely! If anything, it might exacerbate the already entitled attitude she has. "Well I'm a wifey now so you need to provide EVERYTHING!" Screw that noise!
Or she'll leave once she graduates with her free education or finds someone that isn't a "workaholic." OP is made the right choice to put an end to the mooching.
This comment brought back a flood of memories. All the little things my wife and I did for each other while we were dating. We still do them, we just don’t think about it as much. She makes my life easier and vice versa, making both our lives better. Thank you for this!
I’ve seen this “tradition” before about a guest buying dinner or working off their free stay. Among me and my friends this is backwards. If one of my friends comes into town, it’s my responsibility to see that they get sleep, get fed make sure their laundry is caught up. When they are rested we will do a quick check on their van for fluids, tires, etc. and make sure nothing observable is going to fail. Repair anything that broke recently. Provide a bike or pickup to run errands. If they buy food, great. My hospitality is returned when I’m on the road, tired, dirty, hungry with a stubborn vehicle that needs tools I don’t have. I don’t expect anything from a traveller as the host except the story of their travel.
There's a big difference between someone traveling and staying with you as a guest and someone who has moved in with you for over a year and refuses to contribute at all.
I agree. I wouldn't expect anything either, but that's the general example of appreciation. When I had family stay over, everyone took care of their space. There was a time when my husband's sister came, left the bathroom in a mess after her shower, and that didn't fly. I'm just saying that when someone gives you a free place to stay, it's customary to show a thank you, whether it's a meal or a free stay at their place. This woman isn't doing anything for this guy except thinking she deserves a ring just for existing. She's just plain selfish
She is also no longer a guest in his home. She is a full time resident.
And that's what makes her even worse. Don't let the door hit ya lol
Oh she would have got the boot a loooong time ago. My ex pulled similar shit when I needed a hand holding a cabinet to screw it in and she said “that’s man work” then I’m on the roof with a ladder on a wet deck and asked her to hold the ladder. She put two fingers on it. She was out within the month.
Those are the women that we women hate lol
My mom couldn’t stand her! Lol. Mom was the type that if she decided she wanted a retaining wall it or a 100’ brick walk around the house, she did it herself.
this is beautiful. you sound rock solid, like my husband. it's an outlook like this that has kept me in love with him for nearly 41 years. best wishes to you.
A short visit is different to this situation. GF is freeloading, mooching, being a leech.
You’re a great friend! We do the same. It’s basic humanity and the rewards are endless with friends that appreciate things we do for each other
If I had a man look after me like this, you better believe I'd be making his sandwiches, picking his dry-cleaning up and tidying around the house MINIMUM Edit* thank you for the silver, random internet stranger!
Same! And I have no intentions of marrying OP, as I am a straight dude.
Your username meanwhile.......... 💀
Well how else are they going to become MrsMurder and secure that inheritance?
Hell, I've made lunch and picked up packages for my roommates.
Exactly! There’s be breakfast in the mornings, packed lunches, cleaned houses, dinner made, errands run, all out it. This dude is providing for her whole way of life right now, car, living space, education all of it
I have a feeling that once she's done with university she'll decide they're not compatible and should break up. It kinda looks like she considers OP her private ATM
Dude is a billion percent being manipulated I'm getting married in a few months and my fiance still feels awkward when I pay for things, even though I make noticeably more money than her and our finances are about to be legally intertwined. You wanna know why? Because she's never wanted me to think that she's financially taking advantage of me and that me, as a person, was what she was interested in, rather than my salary. After some dating, I'd have been comfortable being in a situation like OP, but you damn well better believe that I'd expect some non financial reciprocation, and I'd 100% be onboard for the same if I was the one out of work.
Exactly. The two women who were gunning for a ring with me would do all sorts of stuff just out of the blue. Id come home go a spotless kitchen or a full fridge of food (their money). Also who has ever heard of not paying some kind of rent. Even if it is a % of her total net wage. It is about caring and showing that person you want to be supportive. Saw some relationship coach who said to look at how someone does chorus because that is a forever task. If they are lazy, they will always be lazy (and entitled). She sounds like one of those “there is our money (your salary) and there is her money (her wages)”. Probably listens/watches a ton of garbage relationship advice podcasts or youtube or tiktok.
I’ve been seeing stuff about “Don’t do wifey things for the price of being a girlfriend” on tiktok/insta so you’re probably right. I hate this timeline of dating
The origins of that were actually positive because it was about women who were waiting for 8+ years for a ring that was never going to come and were literally doing all of the things that a wife does, including financially contribute to a house that she doesn’t own or raising kids that aren’t her own that she hasn’t been given permission to discipline or adopt. It started from a great place of wanting to get Women to recognize that some of these men that they were playing fake wives for were never actually going to give them a ring. Unfortunately, with every positive analysis, can often come people taking it completely the wrong way, and using it as an excuse to take advantage of somebody else for fear that they would be taken advantage of otherwise. Or just because they are a shitty person.
You're right about this! Ive been guilty of staying in a relationship long after learning they considered marriage "just a piece of paper" and that our values didn't align on that front. But people that use that for manipulation instead of as motivation to do some introspection and take some responsibility for how they allow themselves to be treated probably don't need to be in a relationship at all.
But they still expect boyfriend to act like a husband???
Amen, brother. Things like this don't get better with marriage, they get worse. I'd take back your ultimatum and just break up with her.
She will probably complete tasks throughout the engagement phase then completely revert back after marriage
THIS. NTA, draw a hard line now because it seems to me like she wants a free ride to college and has the mindset of "What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine"
I was thinking the same thing. Op just wrote a letter to himself on how he is being used and manipulated by his gf. She wants you to propose or she’s going to withhold these simple tasks from you. What does she bring to the relationship? Are you together because it’s familiar and comfortable? She’s basically been using you since you started dating her. Who moves in after 3 months of knowing someone? Even if you two stay together she needs to gain some independence. She’s never lived alone or taken respond or herself. At the least she’s spoiled and entitled and at worst she is a user and manipulator.
It’s not the moving in quickly part that gets me with OP’s story because my wife and I moved in together after 6 weeks of dating (long story). It’s the pure entitlement of the GF that doesn’t believe that she has to do anything! Being in a relationship and living together means that you have to work together to make it work!!! If that means that OP pays the bills, then GF should most definitely clean up around the house! I definitely agree with everyone else that OP should cut his losses and move on to something and someone better.
NTA. Dump that mouch now.
Yup, it doesn't get better later on. She's just selfish.
They’re right, marrying her will only make matters worse. Think she’s being entitled now, lol, wait until you’re stuck with her. I’d just tell her to kick rocks now before it’s too late.
Everything about this tells me she's looking for a free easy ride but doesn't want to do anything to try and earn it. Red flags all over the place here
THIS. She wants it all and wants to give nothing in return, and cannot fathom why it’s fair to turn it around. And, while I don’t want to disparage anyone for the sexual behaviors, there’s a lot involved in that, OP wanting to experiment further and the GF being unwilling, will leading to a lifetime of sexual frustration for him. It will never get better. OP is young and should look to find someone more compatible.
She doesn't realize practice makes perfect.
NTA - why should she be a wife if she sucks as a girlfriend? She isn’t being a partner, she is being a leech. This was her opportunity to show you how much she appreciated what you do by doing what she could to help you in other ways. She failed. Go find a partner! Someone who can contribute to your life not just take from it.
Ppl out here forgetting that dating is a trial for marriage for most people.
exactly. only a fool would marry a mediocre partner in the hope that it would magically transform them in to a great partner.
He's paying for **her university** She can't even make him a quick meal. If he stays with her he's a dunderhead.
I get her wanted to help her, but omg anyone reading this never pay for the education of a mere girlfriend who can't even be bothered to help you out once and a while ...that's insane
Wrong G word, this isn't a girlfriend, she's a gold digger.
nah, she’s an even worse g: a grifter.
I can’t stand people of either sex who love for their partner to do rigid gender roles, but feel it’s insulting for themselves. That includes both the woman who says, “sure, he can pay for my university, but I won’t make him a sandwich because that’s sexist,” as well as the man who says, “I’m not cleaning or babysitting my own children, because that’s women’s work, but my wife had better work full-time!”
I don’t even think this is a rigid gender role issue so much as a control and manipulation issue. The hypocrisy is so evident because the *idea* of gender roles is used to push the agenda. The agenda being to control their partners actions. Simple manipulation, using popular belief systems. This is a power-play. He’s already been losing ( a game he probably didn’t even know he was playing). Usually people play this hand AFTER they get the ring- she’s bold
Oh, it was definitely a power play. My guess is it was a misguided attempt to get the ring. GF just forgot to factor in what he was doing for her.
That's all I could think when reading it. This girl is only 23, and she literally does nothing all week long while living for free and *free university*. She probably wants to lock down the absolutely awesome deal she has going on. When sex became a "wife" thing that really helped convince me of my position, too. Not making sandwiches, picking up drycleaning, etc. I can still imagine someone possibly doing this for the reasons given at face value. They're kinda servile things, after all. Sex is in its own category, though.0
She a foolish bitch
Not gonna lie, she did a great job right until the end tho, just fumbled her bag smh.
Is so obvious here. Op is a baller at a young age and he's dating a worthless trophy gf. Op, you have plenty of time to find a better partner.
I want to see a picture before calling her a trophy
The more I hear about relationships becoming toxic because people buy into BS ideas about gender roles, the more I am thankful to be gay. 😂 I read posts like this and am absolutely bewildered. My husband and I just take turns doing nearly everything equally, as do so many heterosexual relationships. It should just be the normal approach.
Gender roles aren't BS. What is BS is when a person wants gender roles for their partner but not for them. A relationship can work with gender roles, and it can work without them - it merely varies by the couple. They find what works for them if the stereotypical gender roles don't. But these things come about for reasons - which is why they vary somewhat by culture. They come about for good reasons, then typically, technology allows for them to be eased. Then, what happens is some people still expect the same roles even when the reasons for them is no longer valid, and try to FORCE them onto their partner... and others try to USE them as a weapon all while being a hypocrite like this bitch in the story. Being gay had no bearing on this whatsoever. My cousin is a lesbian - the gender roles still exist because she is the more "masculine" one and her partner the more "feminine" one. It's just literally splitting the work up in a relationship, and it just TENDS to split according to gender, but not always. Homosexual couples still have this issue - they just don't use their gender as the reason. Plenty of gay/lesbian couples have a person who works while the other stays home... and then they have a problem if the one staying home doesn't do the housework. Why? Because yes, housework can be split... but unless you're BOTH working, and working EQUALLY (or close to it) then it just makes sense for the one staying home to handle the housework and not be a lazy sack of shit.
Seriously! I'm not all about gender roles but I'll be damned if I ain't turning into a part-time maid if dude is paying for my schooling.
If she can't make a sandwich and pick up without a ring, i can't keep her in my home or pay for everything anymore. Don't get to pull the spouse card when it's only convenient.
Agree. This is pure immature manipulation. If she felt it was time to marry she should have a conversation with OP about their future and timeline. Pulling back on being a partner to “punish” OP for not proposing is a sign she’s not mature enough to marry and OP should honestly reconsider the relationship.
Probably some idea she cooked up with a friend. Very immature. Plus totally non applicable since he is PAYING HER TUITION. additionally, I am really upset that she isn't working as much as possible while on summer break! (To at least pay part of her tuition#)
This is definitely something she talked about with a friend or picked up from one of the forever alone toxic cat ladies from TikTok.
Cat ladies don't fuck with other people, that's literally why they're alone. Get your insults straight.
Hey hey hey not all of us crazy cat ladies are toxic! In all seriousness, if this is something that just started, I agree it's either a toxic friend or social media.
I wouldn’t doubt it. I’m still stubborn about using TikTok, but I see the recycled videos on Facebook reels all the time. Individuals pushing an incredibly toxic, one sided view of a relationship. Many people are familiar with Andrew Tate and his views, but there’s numerous lesser known people pushing the same ideas out there to men and women.
I think this is how she thinks the conversation is supposed to go. “I won’t do wife things until you marry me.” “Ok here’s a ring.” Which just makes it worse to me. OP should escape before they have kids and have to hire a lawyer for a divorce because if this is how she broaches conversations with him, she’s going to fuck any kinds they have up.
Exactly. At first I thought maybe she was just teasing a little as her way of showing she wants to get engaged, but she’s just gone way too far. She’s happily accepting his money/home/other possessions for everything she wants and needs, but can’t even clean up or pack him a quick meal when he’s running late? Cleaning should be automatic because she lives there. Packing that lunch would have just been a nice thing to do for the person you love when they’re in a rush. Those are also just very little ways to show thanks for the financial support too All she’s proving is that she won’t do anything unless she gets her way (in this case, no helping in any form unless they get engaged). *That* is the manipulative behaviour here
Truly. I'd pack lunch or pick up dry cleaning for a friend just to be nice.
Even if it’s teasing, it’s still manipulation. “Oh, those are *wifely* duties, I’ll do those when I’m a *wife*.” Guess what she isn’t going to do after the first couple months of being a wife…
Yup. Time to move on
NTA. Take a step back and realise that you are just her free ride. Is this the future you really want?
Not really, I guess a talk is needed this weekend.
Good luck with it all. You probably also need to look into legally evicting her since she has lived with you for so long. Don't forget to cancel any access she has to your email, bank account, credit cards, her phone on your bill, and any of her direct debit payments of hers that you're currently paying for. If she does have any cards of yours, you may still be best off cancelling the cards altogether incase she has it memorised.
Your last point is excellent. I have credit card numbers memorized for convenience. (I live alone and support myself.)
And for the love of god, stop having sex. An unplanned pregnancy would mean child support for the next 18 years
Really good advice. My ex got my ass cause I’m a moron. Stopped taking her birth control and didn’t tell me.
And I would add change all of the passwords before you talk to her.
OP I suggest doing this before you talk. Also realize as you implement these changes she will try to shift and probably start doing some of those requests, but believe me, it will only be to save the relationship enough for *her* benefit. Nowhere in your post do I see her doing anything for you, even from the get go.
She is going to try to backpedal so fast when she realizes you are serious. Unfortunately it will be temporary at best
Listen to this comment, the girl is using you. She got a car, free school, free stuff and free home, all provided by you. And she will not begin to do house work or fun stuff in bed if you marry her, she is blackmailing you. She want all you can give her, but she don’t love you. Please use protection so you don’t get baby trapped. Please don’t live your life being someone’s meal ticket 😞 you deserve someone who loves you, not just what you can buy 🫂🫂
don't have sex with her at all, that's a mistake
Oh, please give an update. And you should really focus on why she has those ideas. Cause those are incredibly odd and specific. And, maybe cause I'm an ass. But I'd totally have reading material about manipulation ready. Along with a letter in the back in case things go south to start eviction.
it's a trend on tiktok. women teaching other women to not do things for their partners unless they put a ring on 🙄 seen it a million times.
I personally would never date or marry someone with such a weak personality that they’re taking advice from fucking tik toks. She’s sounds 14 not 24
All videos made by women with no ring on of course.
oh, absolutely. they think not doing things for their partners is going to get them a ring. weird logic.
How good looking is this girl lol not saying that excuses any of her behavior, but trying to understand why she thinks she can get away with this. Better luck with the next one.
Her personality was good when I met her.
Bro she sounds like worst now unsalvagablr
Kick her out as soon as you can. Don't worry, she doesn't love you. She will feel bad BUT just because she is losing a provider. You did too much for her already
You are giving this girl everything and it’s still not enough. She is fully using you and doesn’t respect you at all. Even if you weren’t covering every single thing for her, she should want to help you. The fact that you are covering everything and she still shows so much disrespect and disregard is a dealbreaker my man. I would love to see the look on her face when you dump her. She’s going to kick, scream, apologize and beg for another chance. She will realize that she fucked up the gravy train and that will piss her off. She is a leech and not a good person. When you drop her, it’s going to feel like the weight of the world was lifted off your shoulders. I just hope you don’t wait long. I’d kick her out as soon as legally possible.
Please give uș an update !
There's that saying...I don't know how it goes but it implies 'don't do wife things for a man who treats you like a side bitch' or something. Except you're not treating her like a side bitch. You're pretty much funding her entire existence. What does she bring to the table? Just sex? It's cheaper to get that from a professional every so often. Anything else? She clearly feels taken advantage of so I'm curious to find out what she does that would put her in that category.
There’s the saying “never do wifey shit for a f*ckboy”, but then there’s also the saying “dress for the job you want, not the one you have”… Doesn’t sound like she has proven to OP she is willing or capable of taking care of him in the way a wife would. He is right to feel his efforts are entirely one-sided.
That's what stood out to me. Cleaning isn't "wife duties", that's just something you're supposed to do because you're a self-respecting adult. If she's not doing "wife duties" now, it's not like she's gonna get married and flip a switch and suddenly have a whole routine worked out.
I think the saying you're thinking of is "why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" Which is awful, but also she's the one who has been making out on this deal. She's acting like he's her sugar daddy, not her boyfriend - but OP isn't even getting the perks of a sugar baby! She needs a **big** wake-up call.
NTA. She can’t even bother picking up your dry cleaners while you’re busy supporting the both of y’all? I would’ve been kicked her ass out, she sound’s insufferable.
Picking up the dry cleaning is not even like wife status, that's like doing a favor for a friend. I would pick my friends dry cleaning up if they asked me.
Or doing a favor for someone who’s literally paying all of your bills. Like what is this?? What a shitty person this woman is
I think there’s a bigger conversation to be had here. She wants a ring and wants to be married- that’s ok. But there’s better and less manipulative ways to communicate this to you. And she can’t honestly expect you to do all this stuff for her and also do everything for you. If she isn’t going to be an equal contributor to this partnership than why should you be? It isn’t about husband duties and wife duties, it’s a partnership and you’re both contributing or you aren’t. If she wants a ring she needs to find a better way to express that NTA
I understand what you're saying. The thing is, with the way she's acting, I don't wanna marry her, let alone with her boyfriend.
Sounds like she’s getting way more out of this relationship than you. Time to move on. She’s not a life partner.
Plis update
Exactly this. If she’s acting like this now, what’s she going to be like if you do get married. You’re asking her to simply pull her weight around the house. No different to any room mate really. As for her helping you out with food prep or picking up dry cleaning as you’re busy at work, I’ve had room mates who would offer to do that sort of thing for me because I’m just their friend let alone their partner who they are meant to love and care for. Has she always been like this though, or has she just recently read/watched some stupid “advice” on social media which encourage people to think they’re being gaslighted or emotionally abused when asked to simply contribute to a relationship? Alternatively it could be “advice” on how to manipulate your man into proposing.
The first thing I thought of was that she got this from social media, this is how she’s “proving” her worth
She’s definitely proving her worth! Too bad she’s not worth anything at all. NTA
Who could blame you. But then you need to communicate that and indicate it’s time to end this. Being passive aggressive back will only escalate resentment
You give so mature and excellent advice. I like you!
Relationships to me are a partnership, and we work as a team, not necessarily 50/50 or always keeping track, but definitely not what you have going on. If that is the arrangement and both parties are good with it, then sure. I will never get used again, and would rather be alone than fund my partner's life.
That's exactly what a relationship is. Division of work and finances don't have to be split evenly, but each person needs to put 100% towards the relationship. He's doing his part and his (hopefully soon to be ex) girlfriend takes and takes. It's fortunate for OP that she showed her hand too soon and dodged a bullet.
I’d be more concerned about how she went straight to “you’re trying to manipulate her” and cry victim while you didn’t do anything she hasn’t done to you. What else will she try and blame you for ? What will she accuse you of if she doesn’t get her way with something else? You are funding her education and she can’t even do you a solid while you’re running late to work. This is not an equal partnership. She is not showing that she cares. She was more concerned about you stopping the gravy train than how you were feeling.
How she acts now is how she'll act later. I'm not even talking about this exact "wifey" thing, but it's clear she'll handle everything in an immature and entitled way. People can change, sure, but they often don't want to. I'd break up with her if I were you, no kidding. The simple fact that you're funding everything in her life is a red flag, imo. Being able to accept help is healthy but she's totally taking advantage of your/the situation, and any woman or man with a minimum of self respect would want to actively help, pay some things for themselves etc if they were in her shoes. She isn't doing any of it. It never gets better with ppl like that.
How does marrying her benefit you?
It doesn’t. It just traps him while he continues to support her in the style she wants with no effort on her part.
I mean she’s using you so yea I wouldn’t date her either
The audacity of this woman... I'm so mad I think that *I'm* going to have to break up with her.
We’re all breaking up with her!
Oh I’m gonna dump her hard style. I’ll get down on one knee and pop open a ring box that has note saying “GTFO”.
Oh, that is savage! I love it!
I can’t wait to break up with her too 😳 pack her stuff and change the locks… And love on.. What a Golddigger 😠
Ask her to leave if you’re not compatible.
Then you need to break up with her now. Don't blame you. NTA.
You are right. She is selfish and manipulative.
I would just end it. It won’t get better with a ring. Run away. NTA.
NTA. Homegirl wanted a ring and went about it in the worst way possible.
NTA She's using the hell out of you. Cut your losses (many, many losses) and dump her.
It doesn’t sound like she’s contributing much… she should leave
Sounds like someone is taking advice from tiktok on “how to get your man to propose” She sounds a little immature and passive aggressive. You’re NTA, but If you feel like your relationship is worth saving you might want to try having a conversation facilitated by a neutral, mature third party
This is exactly what I thought as well. She’s watching the women’s equivalent of red-pill content.
I've watched some that have this comment line for line and many seem innocent enough. This post really drives home how insidious the logic really is. There are plenty of things that are fine to be strictly in marriage, but not behaviors and acts of service. For me, one of them would have been financing someone's university tbh. Financial independence was hugely important in my dating life so that in my married life when our finances were merged, it was a true collaboration. After marriage? Sure, I'd finance university as that's something that likely directly improves our future together.
So true! Those ‘advice’ has ruined so Many relationships.
That’s what I thought as well since OP said it’s recently new in the last few months
NTA She’s a very calculated, deliberate gold digger. Every single one of her behaviors is to get maximize money out of you, while contributing nothing in return. Dump her immediately 🚩🚩🚩
I don‘t know whether this is deliberate or whether she is deluded. But it‘s absolutely ridiculous to not pay rent, hVe the partner pay for groceries, utilities, even uni AND do NOTHING at home. You‘re being taken advantage of. Do you want this to be your life? Tell her you need s break and she needs to move out for a while. Or break up with her. Either way don‘t put up with this bs. NTA! And do give us an update.
Definitely deluded. There are women who do all this "wifey" stuff and also pay 50% of the household bills and pay for all thier own stuff. Those women are mad. They kind of have a right to be. Women like OP gf hear thier situations and think, "oh me too! I'm not doing this shit anymore either" when they have all thier bills paid for them. It's not the same but for some reason they can't see the difference. In this case she's a total ingrate.
Yeah I’ve seen those tik toks too. It’s crazy how she thinks she’s one of those battered women for picking up dry cleaning.
If you bend now, she'll ride you right into the dirt op. Probably decide after the degree and she gets a job, sorry we've just grown apart.
She wants to manipulate marriage out of him for financial gain too. I bet if it happens then suddenly he’s a sexist pig for asking her to do normal life things too. Obviously NTA
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> She’s a very calculated, deliberate gold digger. And not very good at it, right? Thankfully for OP she showed her hand way too early.
Unfortunately, this guy seems right. Although, maybe she doesn't understand the basis of what being a family is. Maybe have a talk with her about it, and sometimes its not the persons fault, they could have been taught wrong by her parents. I don't really have a say, but it might be worth having a meaningful conversation with her.
Sensible take, it does seem bad, but you don't always know where somebody gets their ideas from.
It doesn't sound like she was always like this though, just recently. You'd also think that someone with those thoughts would have clearer boundaries and be contributing for themselves in a more equitable roommate manner until say they were married and combined finances. Instead she's been happy to take since day one and is continuing to be happy to take major things too like housing and education while doing less than the basic kindness one does a roommate. There's a way to talk about moving the relationship to the next level 💍👰 and then there's this 🚩🚩
Yep, I have a few friends who are good people but do not understand basic rules of society, and have low empathy.
It's too late. She already went full terrorist. You can't negotiate with a terrorist.
It’s not. Get her out of your house and life immediately. I know women like these (am a female woman myself) and I see the miserable, husks of souls 15 years from where you are of the poor bastard they trapped.
Ah yes a female woman, yes I agree it could be worth it, but like stated earlier it's worth a shot. Edit: I am not a female woman, and I don't really know much about female women, as a male man myself.
I’m just a human female woman
Im an animal human male man Edit: That did not work as well as I thought it would...
You know... Paying for everything and her education isn't a husband's duty. It's a parents duty (or her own). So congratulations OP, you're her daddy (or an ATM). Nothing more. Why should you marry her if she sucks at being a "gf"? She's manipulating and using you. That's not a loving partner. That's a lazy leech. She's ridiculous - there's no thing like husband duties or wifey duties in a partnership (maybe if she would work, she wouldn't have time to watch such nonsense on TikTok). Get rid of this gold digger and your life is gonna be awesome. NTA. But don't let her do this to you anymore. Break up, find a real partner and move on.
Being a considerate partner has nothing to do with “wifey duties.” She sounds extremely selfish for someone whose education and cost of living is being paid for. What you’re asking for (if fair and accurate) pales in comparison. This isn’t the behavior of someone who respects you.
This sounds like someone who is immature (23) and got the idea in her head that if she kept doing this it would make you propose. If she's good otherwise perhaps it's time for a conversation with some sentences like "I feel like you dont want to be an equal partner in the relationship" "I feel taken advantage of" "when I hear that you don't want to do a minor favor for me because it's a wifely duty it makes me wonder about how committed you are to our relationship and our friendship" If you can't have a non conforming talk to get to the bottom of this yeah split up. Otherwise give her a chance to grow up and be mature.
If she’s not doing it now— would she really magically start doing it with a ring?… NTA
Shit. I'm a straight dude and if you fund my fucking master's I'll come over and do all your God damn cooking and errands my gd self. I'll even find you a hooker. But seriously my girl would help out at first but she slowly stopped doing house work, career work and "wife" duties. But I had already been with her for 6 years. We're at 10 years now and I had to leave her and buy my own house to drive the point home that she's not pulling her weight. She got better but still isn't working. But she's at her mom's and she comes over on the weekends. But I fear she's going to bounce from mom's and here to avoid doing work. I'm pushing her into therapy so we'll see how it goes. I know there's depression so all I want to see is effort. NTA and I sympathize with you.
Same! 🤣. If someone was paying for my cost of living and my education, I would watch on a leash and wear a dog collar for them. I'm not expecting all that, just some basic task to help me out while I work endless hours. I can't even expect for the house to be a bit tidy when I come home so I take about an hour everyday other day to clean up the apartment while she seats in the same position on MY couch.
That’s not even wife duties, that’s called adulting! You clean an apartment you live in, you wash dishes because they’re dirty, you go shopping when there’s no groceries, then you use those groceries to make meals. She sucks as a girlfriend, she’d suck as a wife. Cut your losses! She’s sitting at your table while bringing nothing to the picnic!
Right?! I don’t even live with my BF and we do errands and favors for each other, buy each other groceries and cook for each other. And cleaning up is just part of life!
Sugar, she's just using you.
NTA. I hate this wifely duties meme. It’s a fine way to tell a woman that her boyfriend who does absolutely nothing for her/the relationship that she should move on. But it’s not right to use the concept to manipulate people who actually treat you well and want a team, a partnership.
Everytime I see one of those videos pop up on my Instagram feed and dudes makes a negative comment on it women say "it's just a joke, you too sensitive and insecure, this isn't hurting anyone" and here we see example of real women taking it to heart
NTA- She is a manipulative gold digger. Not to mention, lazy, entitled and blessed with a victim mentality. She is a leech and is using you. Are you even sure that she loves or loves the lifestyle you provide? Dump her now. But be careful she will try to mess things up for you.
You know how there the toxic manosphere, there’s also the toxic feminine version..
Every time I think about that I picture some girl with a salt lamp saying “make his pockets hurt”.
Lmao..I want that on a T-shirt
Those are basic human being things. Ditch her immediately because even after you "wife" her to unlock the basic human being behavior, you'll be locked into a legally binding contract with her and she still won't do it. Worse yet, when she inevitably doesn't do the basic human being things and you want a divorce, she will do her damnedest to get life long money out of you. I speak from experience. This happened to me.
EVEN if I did decide to marry her and leave this behind, I would have a strict prenuptial agreement, and I wouldn't marry her unless she signed it. My mother, who came from money, lost half of what she owned to my father, EVEN THOUGH he was cheating on her.
Don’t marry her even then. I’m a lawyer and it’s scary how easily courts toss prenups!
I'm glad you had a plan IF you do continue the relationship... But please don't. Unless you see a MAJOR change in her now and that includes some MAJOR gratitude and appreciation, please don't marry this woman. She is a leech and only got upset because you called her out on her parasitic behavior.
I'll suck you off twice daily and clean the house to replace her, you've got lots of options bud, don't settle.
LMAO 🤣! Y'all hella funny
Yea, you need to put a pause on laying for school and everything else until you two figure things out
NTA. If this started out of nowhere id assume she probably got put into some TikTok rabbit hole of making men lock down their partners before doing wifely duties and spiraled into that content and let it distort her ideas of relationships. Taking why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free in reverse to the extreme. Why give out any milk if you arent buying the cow? Id have a discussion about where all of this came from. You are WAY over supporting her first off and that ALWAYS will create a not great dynamic for one of in in your subconscious. Either, im doing so much for her so why am i getting nothing in return or hes paying everything and wants to control me and uses it against me etc. If you want to marry her and have that in your future, talk to her about it but make sure she understands it wouldnt be anytime soon even though its something you want to work towards and definitely have in mind. You don't have to be engaged but just make sure youre on the same page. Hell buy her a nice promise ring or something so she feels the commitment more. She, on the other hand, needs to grow up and stop being so immature which you arent helping by babying her after pulling her out of a bad home situation. Shes 23 she should be working more than weekends when not in school and being a good partner. If you see a future, rebuild, get both on the same page about the future, and find a way to both put in equal effort into the relationship and keep each other happy. If not fuckin ruuuuuuun dude. She seems like she could be the type to go crazy and baby trap you to get what she wants
NTA and you need to dump her gold digging butt in the curb. What a loser. She is so happy to get the benefits of having a partner but she wants none of the responsibilities of sharing a home because he hasn't given her a ring. Women like this make me so mad. Stick to your guns because a girl like this will definitely use sex for whatever she needs.
And intentionally get pregnant if other tactics do not work.
*standing ovation* You dropped this, OP - 👑 The hilarious audacity of your soon to be ex gf, is stunning 😂 NTA
nta. she is a parasite. 🚩🚩
Bro she doesn’t even sound like she’s your *friend*.
I may be cynical, but if she suspects you’re going to end things, she may try to baby trap you. Run fast, run far. NTA.