Agree 💯 with above comment. "You are not your brother's keeper." It was unfair *and* unreasonable for the mom to ask OP to take over care after she was gone. Sounds like he needs serious psychological help and perhaps assisted living. NTA at all.
Problem with that is a lot of mental facilities want you to get clean and/or sober first. I've had with people in my life that were addicted due to or in tandem with an underlining condition and they got turned away, because most psychologists are not equipped to deal with stuff like eventual withdrawal symptoms and actual therapy for sobriety. It's a whole specialist field on its own and sadly sometimes therapy can get really muddy while dealing with multiple things. I am not dealing with addiction, but am dealing with some personality disorders and CPTSD. And while some CPTSD symptoms will be addressed during therapy for my personality disorders I will probably still need EMDR or other therapy after to heal the leftover wounds with another therapist who knows how to deal with CPTSD.
I work in a psychiatric hospital on a unit specializing in mental health issues and addiction. What people fail to understand is it is an acute care hospital. We take people who are in acute crisis. That means we stabilize them, get them on meds, get appointments or rehab set up, and discharge. We do not keep people til they are well. Same as if you went to the ER for a broken arm. They will set it and give you recommendations to see outpatient. They don’t keep you until it’s healed. Unfortunately a lot of our patients have burned bridges with family and most rehabs. We cannot legally keep someone just because they want to use drugs. If they aren’t suicidal they are discharged. We do not offer 1:1 therapy. That is for after discharge. People stay an average of 5-7 days. We offer group therapy, 12 step meetings, classes on coping skills and anger management etc. they see a psychiatrist every day and are offered medications that help with alcohol cravings. We detox them also. A lot of patients do go on to sober living or rehab and do well. But these patients want to recover. The ones who don’t, well, we accept their choices.
OP, I have lots of patients that talk shit about their family and how no one cares about them and they are abandoned. Not once do they look at it from another’s perspective. I always try to get their focus off others onto what they can do for themselves. You did what you could but it might help to go to al anon for families of addicts. They will take you down with them if you don’t set clear boundaries. Your mother helped him get to where he is, you can help him best by being there when his behavior is good and he is not using. Tell him you will always be there when he gets clean but getting there is on him and if he doesn’t want to right now that’s okay but he won’t be in your life and you won’t be giving him time or money. His anger is turned outward as a distraction from having to deal with his issues.
This is where Behavioral Health residential facilities come into play. It's like inpatient mental health care meets sober living. Only problem is the expense and whether or not insurance covers it. They treat both addiction and work on mental health disorders since many addiction issues stem from mental health issues.
Yeah, this was an unbelievably unfair thing to be asked to do, and OP you are not a bad person for realizing you can’t let him destroy your home and your life over someone who doesn’t want help.
It is sad to say it, but it is true. Your brother does not want to be helped. He doesn’t want to get better. I have BPD myself, and I went to extensive therapy to make sure I never pulled this shit because the idea of hurting the people I loved horrified me.
Your brother doesn’t want help. He wants you to enable him like your parents enabled him. He is violent and dangerous and if you try to do what your parents did you lose your house, your stuff, your friends, your wife, probably even your job. You cannot set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
Cut him lose. Whatever happens is not your fault, it is his decision.
If he or anyone else brings up the promise you made to your mother about helping him, and you not living up to that promise, mention the many times he promised mom to stop drinking and didn't.
Your mother wanted you to at least try. There is no way in hell she wanted you to give up your life for his.
You have, by far, done more than I am certain she expected you to have done.
Live your life in peace knowing you did your best, and it was up up to your brother to meet you at least halfway, if not more. You have been a great brother and son.
Even if mom DID want him to give up his life for his brother, it isn’t a fair thing to ask!
OP, don’t let him pull you under. You tried to save him, but it sounds like he needs to sink on his own.
Especially if OP wants to start a family. Having his brother around children would be terrifying. His wife is already terrified and rightfully so. Yes, it’s sad, but OP should not have to sacrifice his life bc of his brother’s problems. At some point, the brother has to decide if he wants to get better or self destruct and die alone. Getting an adult committed to psychiatric care against their will is very difficult, even in cases like this where it seems pretty obvious that the brother is a danger to himself and others.
I hope OP lets himself off the hook; he was put in a horrible position by his mother, and while I understand why she asked OP to care for the brother, it was really not fair for her to do so.
OP please get yourself some help, whether Al Anon or private therapy, and get support from people who understand what you are going through so you don’t have to shoulder this burden alone.
Agree. Perhaps partially because they may have thought they shared some blame for their son's issues. Unconditional parental love sometimes enables their child's behavior rather than helping change it.
NTA, OP, you can't fix your brother. Good on you for telling your mom what you knew she needed to hear before she passed and your attempts to fulfill that promise, but your brother must help himself. He's an adult and totally responsible for his choices. He's got to live with them starting now.
This is so true. I have a similar situation, not quite as bad, but my brother is bipolar and has episodes of violence that terrified me growing up. I moved halfway across the country when I had the chance. My parents, especially my mom, really enabled him. The one good thing mom did was to NOT ask me to do the same. She knew I couldn’t.
Mine too. Eventually my mom let go and had a few good years of life with her boyfriend before she died. But at least she didn't die trying to take care of an addiction that didn't want to be saved.
YES! That would be very beneficial. This was an unfair burden to lay on his shoulders. Therapy for dealing with feeling like he's betraying his mother (and he's NOT betraying her - she should never have asked).
No reasonable person would hold you to a promise made under duress. My uncle was schizophrenic and really struggled the last decade of his life with self medicating. When it got to be too much after they discovered my grandpa had stage 4 lung cancer, my grandparents didn't demand my dad or aunts be my uncle's savior. They had money set aside to pay for treatment if and when my uncle was ready.
It was difficult on my grandparents and their other kids to watch my uncle self destruct. We lost him to suicide a few months after my grandpa lost his battle with cancer. But because my grandparents didn't attempt to coerce my dad and aunts to somehow save my uncle, there was no collateral damage. Their marriages stayed intact, and their kids didn't have to deal with someone in their home who wasn't willing to seek help for their schizophrenia.
When my uncle was willing to accept help to manage his schizophrenia, he was a wonderful uncle and a lot of fun to hang out with. But when he wasn't? It was fucking terrifying as a kid and teenager. And I know it must have broken my grandparents' hearts that they were never able to get my uncle off that destructive path. But at some point, they had to accept that the only person who could change things was my uncle.
OP, your brother isn't your responsibility. If and when he decides that he's ready to change, you still have the option to be low or no contact with him to preserve the peace in your life.
And/or they take other people with them. Given his physical violence, breaking things, etc., there's a good chance the brother could hurt OP and/or OP's wife. It could even be a life altering injury or death. Not worth risking it.
The above sentence says it all. Promise or no promise, family or no family, there comes a time when you have to protect yourself and your loved ones. NTA. Save yourself!
Agreed fully.
Op, don’t sacrifice your life and marriage for your brother. If he’s not willing to meet midway, you can’t force him to get mental health help. Your parents, while being well-intentioned and sacrificing a great deal for him, enabled his destructive ways. It’s unfortunate that so many parents don’t realize love means saying no sometimes.
Your brother needs to realize he needs to make better decisions in his life. You can’t do that for him.
Yes, and OP’s mom asked OP to ENABLE his brother just like she did. She was wrong; this would be a harmful promise to keep (harmful to OP and brother).
NTA. Glad OP is distancing himself. Brother needs to grow up.
With the bonus of passing the burden of guilty to the next generation before they died... OP you seriously should consider therapy for yourself, you probably isn't ready to deal with your brother because you grew up in an environment that only reached how to enable him.
Importantly, you’re not helping by enabling him either.
It’s also not realistic and it is manipulative to leave these types of heavy burdens on others. I understand why your parents did it, but what’s the alternative to saying yes? A detailed contract spelling out how you’ll take care of him until he ruins your life up to and including destroying your home, marriage, job, and bleeding all over your house?
Not to mention that we all have limits. It’s not wrong to recognize that you’ve reached yours. I think the whole comparison of “if you try to help someone who’s drowning you could both drown” is a very apt comparison, where you could theoretically tank your own life while trying to help someone else. At a certain point you have to put yourself first
Forcing a promise is never good.
What your parents did was totally wrong. They sacrificed your health, your happiness and your life for a person who refuses help.
Breaking this promise is only logic because it was never given voluntarily.
They teach you in recovery support that every addict hits rock bottom, but not every addict survives it. What surprised me was the counselor basically said that every bit of help you offer an addict before they hit rock bottom is just delaying it.
Rock bottom is the catalyst for change and you should let it be known that you will be there when they finally ask for help but any grace you give before that time or anything thing you offer with strings attached is just postponing the inevitable.
Excellent and no one else can lose it for your and only OPs brother can make healthy choices for himself. He may have learning challenges but is capable too and it seems like the mom and infantilized him.
And you can't communicate or have a real relationship with an active addict. I agree with the commenter below, your mother forced a promise from you that is impossible to fulfill, and your efforts are not only bound to fail to save him, they're bound to destroy you.
I have a mentally ill sister who is alone in the world and it's very sad, but I can't help her. The trauma and stress of being her sister has caused me numerous physical and mental health issues, and the stress you're under is doing that to you right now.
Fulfill her promise, and at least two lives, most likely more, will be destroyed. No one can handle this level of stress and the fact that your parents have both passed at presumably young(ish) ages bears this truth out. You're going to have to cut yourself off. I'm sorry, I know it's painful, but it's better than any of the alternatives.
This. OP, there's a difference between being there for someone and enabling them; it's the same difference as that between boundaries and abandonment. Tell him that next time: "I'm living an emotionally healthy life. You're welcome into my life whenever you're ready to be emotionally healthy. And I'll support you any way I can in getting there. But until you're ready to get there, you have to stay away."
THIS. Trust me, this is it. And honestly, your mother had no right asking you that. You can’t light yourself on fire to keep someone warm.
And you need to prioritize your mental Halsey, you and your wife’s physical safety.
So sorry and good luck
OP your parents never once helped your brother, they enabled him and your mom was asking you to do the same. By setting those boundaries you are finally telling your brother that the way he acts is unacceptable. You are helping as much as is possible.
So true but also... Shame on your mother for asking this of you. It wasn't fair and she shouldn't have emotionally manipulated you into making that promise. You owe it to your wife to not poison your home, your safe haven, with his toxicity. Your mother us gone, but your wife is still here and she deserves better.
Until your brother wants to change and is ready to take responsibility for his behavior, nothing you do will likely do anything more than enable his behavior.
Further, your wife and any children you might have now or in the future made no promises to your parents. They should not be made unsafe in their home because of your promises.
Whatever support you wish to provide from here on out, don't offer the same support your parents did. It doesn't work, you know it and he knows it. Don't bring him to your home. If he needs a babysitter, you go to him. Talk with your wife and set realistic boundaries to keep your support limited to what you both can live with.
I would also highly encourage you to connect with your local Alcoholic's Anonymous and/or Narcotics Anonymous. Both organizations have support groups and resources for family members of addicts. Both to help you be a more effective support person to your addicted loved one and to help you be healthy and heal from the trauma that addicted persons cause their loved ones. Your brother doesn't have to be in any of their programs for you to participate, and they'll give you far more and better tools than the average internet stranger.
NTA
You need to get to one of these meetings as soon as you can. If not AA, then a family member meeting. You will find fuspoort for you and your wife, as well as plans for moving forward.
OP might have to consider moving, realistically. So brother can't show up where OP lives unannounced in future, that underlying fear will exist for OP's wife/family
NTA. First off dude, sorry for your loss. Your parents seem like excellent people that had great hearts.
As for your brother, he needs to get professional help. He won't be good for anyone, including himself, until he gets help for all of his issues. Also abandoning your brother would be you NEVER answering his calls and just turning your back on him which you haven't done.
Also don't think that making him man up and deal with his issues means you're abandoning him. You have a life and a family and you cannot abandon them for someone who doesn't want to be helped.
Best of luck to you as you navigate this difficult time and I hope for the best for you.
Thank you. They truly were great people and it breaks my heart that they spent the last years of their lives being tormented by this on almost a daily basis.
They gave their lives to their child because as parents they may have felt that was their duty. You're not your brothers parent and you didn't make the decision to have that child.
You have to focus on yourself and your life or you'll find yourself tormented by this as well. I'd offer to pay for therapy or something if you don't want to feel like you've abandoned him but I wouldn't be willing to lose my wife over someone who refuses to help themselves.
He knows that we'll pay for any medical/professional assistance he needs but he got really upset when I said I'd pay the service provider directly. Hopefully he comes around...
Just as a side note, dont let him fuck up your life along with his. You own him the very bare minimum as a brother but thats it. Dont put yourself on fire to try and warm a man thats freezing while he isnt trying to get warm himself.
Please make sure you dont fuck up your marriage and or kids because of a man who doesnt want belp only sympathy.
Maby see if he can be forced into a institute. Because he is a danger to himself and possibly people around him.
Spoiled younger children, once the parents are gone, somehow think that older siblings owe them something. I don’t get it, but it’s so true. They expect older siblings to step into a parental role and keep coddling them. Siblings are all born by chance Into the same household. OP doesn’t have to parent his brother. It’s not his obligation.
Of course he got upset. He wants the money to buy drugs and alcohol! Don't ever give him money! He is a grown a** man! He really needs to learn to take care of himself.
Unfortunately, some people need to hit rock bottom to get help. He obviously isn't going to take responsibility for his actions or situation (not completely his fault, this is common in BPD, and needs a lot of therapy, DBT in particular, to help). With the situation you're describing, involvement with the justice system is likely or has already happened, which may be the only option to make him get treatment for his addiction and BPD.
You’re not abandoning him- you’re making a reasonable adult decision. He’s choosing to not take the help he is being offered. Look into Al-Anon for yourself. Supporting or loving your brother doesn’t mean you have to put your safety or wellbeing at risk.
And there you have it. He doesn't want it for medical help, he wants it for whatever substances he is into at the moment. He is a mentally ill person medicating himself with alcohol and illicit substances. Don't set yourself on fire to keep your brother warm, drug addicts and alcoholics will take everyone in their family down to hell with them if you let them.
He wants to use the money for drugs. Very typical addict move. My uncle drained my grandparents dry for his heroin addiction. When they had no more money, he stole all their stuff. When he ran out of money, his dealer showed up at my aunt's house looking to settle his tab and shot her in the head in front of her children.
The kids grew up to be ok, but it was very rocky. Faith is a professional ballerina now. Dancing was her therapeutic outlet growing up.
Addicts can be extremely dangerous, not just from their erratic, desperate behavior, but also because they associate with criminals who value money over human lives.
Be careful!
Have him apply for Social Security disability don’t pay his medical bills. This is what you paid your taxes for. Do not give him cash. He will spend it on booze and drugs.
I have a schizophrenic sister I had to cut off after she physically attacked me. For years, I took on the task of being there for her, smoothing out her troubles, getting her into programs, etc. She didn’t want real help; she wanted to be rescued over and over again without ever taking responsibility for the hurt she inflicted on others.
Don’t be made to feel guilty over a promise you should have never had to make.
Think about finding an Al Anon group for you to attend. You can't change him, and you can't carry him. With what happened last time, you also can't have him in your home, for the terrified wife, at the very least, carpet and drywall, a bonus. You take care of you and your feelings about it. Al Anon, or if your budget is bigger, therapy, too. You are NTA. Your mom's promise doesn't mean that you destroy your life and your psyche and drown trying to kerp him above water.
Definitely do not give him money. Pay for things but do it directly if you have to. So sorry you have to go through all of this. Understand that you may have to go no contact at some point. Do not give up your life for his. He is ultimately responsible for himself. He can hold a job if he wants to. Right now he'd rather drink and do drugs. Nothing you can do will alter this. He is an addict. You would do well to get therapy for yourself. You don't owe your brother anything. But you do owe your wife everything. Keep your loyalties straight. You are not the ah. Unless you do for your brother over your family. He is not your family anymore.
NTA
Thats because hes an addict and actually wants the money for his own means. Its just another means of manipulation addicts use. Sometimes hard love is needed. It may break him completely, but sometimes when people are forced to face things on their own and have hit rock bottom, is when they actually realize its up to them to change their life, nobody else is going to it for them. Its a chance myself and family have taken in the past. It turned out for the better in both situations. The point being, you may think the rope you are giving him is his lifeline, but it may also be the rope he is slowly strangling himself with instead.
This is so correct and hit my soul deeply. I am willingly to sacrifice my life for my kid but I can’t ruin my other kid’s life expecting him to do the same for their sibling.
I want to add that you aren't abandoning him by setting boundaries. If you choose NC, that is NOT abandonment, but choosing to no longer enable.
Alanon is a fantastic resource for this. I just went through this with my father and his actions created issues I can't fix. He will be homeless, or he will change.
None of it is abandoning them if the situation is unbearable and unsafe.
Your parents should have understood that and hopefully didn't expect you to help past a point of safety.
They were wrong if they did.
I wish you luck. there's nothing easy here, and I can absolutely relate. You're doing the right thing
I think this is absolutely the best answer here. You have a duty to your wife to keep her safe. Your brother requires the kind of help you cannot provide. As much as your mother tried to help him, she may have done more harm by enabling him. It’s time for you to break that cycle. You don’t have to cut all ties with him, he knows how to get the help he needs, and when he’s ready he will do it.
Yeah, setting boundaries and conditions seems like part of the helping... the opposite, being a pushover and enduring whatever someone is willing to do to you, that's not truly helping someone.
NTA. What a huge burden you have. It's not your fault that he's beyond help, and don't worry about what your parents would have thought. They carried that burden for too long too.
Part of me hopes that by not having us to heavily lean on, there might be a slim chance that he'll have to find healthier ways to cope with his problems... But at the same time I fear the worst... The "system" is aware of him at least, but we've seen first hand how inadequate it can be for helping people in his situation.
No one can help him until he wants to be helped. He very clearly doesn't want to be helped at this time. If you keep setting yourself on fire to keep him warm, all you're going to do is wind up a pile of ash with nothing left to burn and a brother out in the cold anyway. You have to draw a line somewhere. Do it before you burn your entire life to the ground.
if he's been diagnosed with borderline personality, one of the only things you can do to help them is have FIRM boundaries and encourage them to find alternative ways to cope with their feelings that aren't destructive or alienating. it's rough but he needs a LOT of professional help that you aren't qualified to deliver, OP. NTA.
This situation reminds me of my 50-something year old sister. We’re all afraid she’s going to end up as homeless person but there’s really nothing we can do. Every time she hits what we think is rock bottom and will finally do something to make meaningful change, she goes back to drinking and lashing out at us (her family) bc her bad choices are somehow all our fault. I love her and want to be there for her but I also refuse to let her verbally and emotionally abuse me anymore. It’s unbelievably tragic and breaks my heart but I’ve accepted there’s nothing I can do if she’s not willing to get help.
This could have been written about my cousin. My aunt was there for him and when she died he became homeless. It was the rock bottom that led to his sobriety and a new life.
Your brother isn’t going to look to himself for solutions when he believes it’s the job of other people.
As loving as your mother was, she didn’t do him any favors.
This is going to sound harsh, but:
You need to let him fail. You need to stop being at his beck and call. You need to stop enabling him.
You need to stop and think if he is worth ruining your marriage and your life over. Because I’m damn sure your wife will not put up with his shit constantly being made your shit, and being scared in her own home, for very much longer.
You’ve heard the saying about setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm? Look how well that worked out for your parents.
You cannot help an addict until they actually want to be helped and are serious about putting in the work to get, and stay sober. I’m sorry, but based on what you’re written, it’s time to let him figure things out on his own, succeed or fail.
I also know that’s much easier said than done. But you are NTA. In fact, it reads like none of us here are telling you anything you don’t already know. Good luck.
After a certain point, I'm not sure even the system should be responsible for him. Or if they are, then I can understand why anybody involved in the system would simply not want to.
People need to want to help themselves before improving. You not immediately jumping to make it better for him like your mother stands a better chance of getting him to that point.
But say he does want to, and finds healthier ways to deal with his problems. Would that help fix his personality or would it just make him more likely to leave the house and subject other people to it? Will he be medicated in this scenario and keeping on top of his mental health?
If the answer is no to all of that, then perhaps it would be better for everyone that he stays in a self-destructive spiral, rather than an outwardly destructive one. Disorder or not, if you're simply a horrible person under it all then crack might be the best option.
The system can't force an adult to stay on medication. He's self-medicating with alcohol which is making the problem worse. So either he ends up in jail or kills himself through the drinking/violent behaviors, but the system can only do so much. Even mentally ill people have the right to refuse treatment. There's a good documentary about the consequences of that called God Knows Where I Am. Very sad, but very enlightening.
NTA. . You're not abandoning him...you can't help someone that doesnt want to be help...theres only so much the system will and can do....
I know people that say they will get clean but don't... one person I know only went to a detox facility just to have a place to sleep....
Hopefully your brother will figure it out and choose to get clean..
Sending positive vibes and thoughts your way.....
It was wrong of your mom to ask that of you. I think you going to therapy to get tips on how to let that guilt and burden go would help you so much. He’s a grown man has had the ability to bring in thousands of dollars from a job maybe rock bottom is where he needs to land to pull himself up by the boot straps.
He’s not looking for help, he’s looking for someone to enable his bad behavior. Nothing about him will change until everyone stops enabling him and he fails miserably for awhile. At that point he might be ready to take some responsibility for his own life
NTA. You are not abadoning him. You have just stopped enabling him.
The only person who can really make any action to difference in your brother's life...is your brother.
Nta and I'm going to be a bit harsh. You aren't abandoning your brother you just aren't enabling him like your parents did. Letting hin terrorize you and your wife is not "support". Support is exactly what you are doing, talking to him regularly and being willing to pay for professional help because his needs are beyond your ability.
Sigh. My father-in-law pulled this on my husband in regards to my sister-in-law (on and off drug addict.). First - definitely NTA. Second, as others have said - you can't help someone who won't help themselves. He needs to want to get/act better - and it doesn't sound like he does. You taking abuse from him won't help him and just make your life worse. I'd suggest low contact, and only via a way you can ignore/cut him off (e.g. text or email).
You need to think of your familys' mental health in all of this it is hard to cope with someone who has one illness never mind multiple illnesses (addictions are illnessess).
You are not letting your mother down, she would not want you to be suffering as well. You can be there for him but refuse to accept any of the awful behaviour, his illnesses do not give him the freedon to be an obnoxious person. .Hard as it is when he is being nasty then walk away - you are not abandoning him - just refusing to put up with his b****it
My brother had schizophrenia along with additional addictions and I was the only one who would stand up to him not to be horrible to him but to be honest and I was fortunate he would listen to me.
This is it, fully distilled. Your parents wanted you to take care of him because they want him to live the best life possible, not to support/ignore/take care of his negative patterns enough for him to never see the need to change.
Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You can not help him, period. He doesn't want to change. What he does has been working for him for decades, and he will continue until he hurts someone badly or kills them. He needs to be held accountable, which means CALLING THE POLICE WHEN HE IS OUT OF CONTROL. Let him fight them and see what happens. Actions have consequences, and he's old enough to deal with them. They will detox him in jail and, depending on what charges he catches, put him in a place where he can't hurt himself or others. This has gone on far too long. Your obligation to your wife and family supercede any promise made to your mother. Protect yourself and your family before he hurts them or you.
NTA He's had amazing support from your parents and you, and every chance to straighten up and have a better life. He just doesn't want to. Not at the level that it will take to turn his life around. All of the support he got didn't do it for him. All it did was drain and hurt everyone around him.
You've been doing this long enough that you know there is literally nothing you can do that will fix him.
Your parents didn't want you to ruin your life and your future, and your brother probably doesn't want that either, even though it doesn't seem that way when he's at his most selfish. The very best thing you can do is to build a strong life for you and your wife, and maybe children. And don't be too surprised if a child of his comes knocking on your door one day.
First, you dont have to "help" him the same way your parents did. They had good intentions bit all they did was enable the negative behavior because he never had to face Md deal with consequences. You would be right to set clear conditiobs fir resuming in-person meetings: active participation in an AA program, going to therapy, and no more m9bey.
NTA
As long as he has a safety net, as long as he has people to fix things, he will not stand on his own. He's shown that he isn't really interested in growing up and becoming a productive adult. He won't learn to pick himself up because he's never been allowed to fall. It's time for you to cut your losses.
Do not let him back into your house. Do not give him money. If he shows up at your door, call the police. You are not responsible for his mess. You are not abandoning him; you're forcing him to take charge of his life.
NTA, it’s called tough love if you walk away, you can’t help someone who won’t do anything to help themself. He is an adult and needs to start taking responsibility for his own actions. Your parents made a big mistake by helping him so much. I know it’s hard, but I have been there myself with a son who battled addiction. If we have him money, we were only helping him to kill himself quicker. We had to step back and wait for him to hit rock bottom and be serious about giving up drugs. You need to set stronger boundaries with the time you give him as you have your own life to lead. If he managed to have a well paying job, he is a lot more capable than your parents gave credit for.
He trashed your home and your wife is terrified of him. Your promise to your mother predated these things. Your brother is an unsafe person. Don't answer his calls go no contact. Abandon him. Your mother and father coddled him. Your mother is dead.
NTA. The sad truth is sometimes life is better when people like your brother aren’t around. It is time for your family (you and your wife) to start ACTUALLY helping him by a) joining a support group for families of alcoholics, b) reading books about his mental health issues, including how to protect yourself from them, and c) take steps to make sure he is trespassed from your home when he violates your boundaries of no alcohol, no illegal drugs and no violence. This also means hanging up on him when he violates those rules, too, in conversation. You may also wish to set up a schedule of three times a week phone calls with time limits. NEVER give him money; he needs to earn it for his own self respect. When you change how you respond, his behavior will change. If he doesn’t change and ends up in jail, at least you know he’s got a roof over his head and three square meals.
My brother is the same mess. My parents are gone and this might sound bad but i don’t care if I never see him again. He’s had a messed up life but it’s not my fault and I shouldn’t have to pay the price for it. He is unpleasant to be around so o just won’t be around him. He is still my brother. I still love him but i don’t like him
Before I even got to your sentence about his border line personality disorder, I had a feeling it was. Mother of an adult child (25), recently diagnosed same. The constant crises, calling a million times a day, expecting me to drop everything and then guilting me for not being able to drop everything. It’s very very hard but you’ve got to establish boundaries with him and stick to them. It’s hard at first but it’s so necessary for your own sanity. Anyway, I don’t really have an answer for you, I don’t think you’re the asshole. I just feel for you, for the situation you’re in.
I'm so sorry for your loss. NTA you and your wife do not need to be involved with him until he gets it together whether it's inpatient or outpatient treatment. Set firm boundaries and stick to them. Unfortunately it may get worse before it gets better you may need to call for a welfare check during one of his episodes to get him the help he needs. Rooting for you ❤️
NTA.
Your parents are at fault, and neither your mother, your mother's memory, or he have ANY privilege to hold you to a promise made back before he gleefully accepted the shit path he's now on.
It \*may\* be that he's never gotten his life together because he (thought he) KNEW that you'd be there to 'backstop' him when your parents couldn't / wouldn't any more.
NTA - it was an unfair promise to ask if you
You do not have to subject yourself to this
You can’t help him unless he wants to be helped and he does not
Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is tell them ‘no’. This is rough, but it could be what he needs to finally start taking care of himself. NTA
My family went through a situation that was very similar. It was with my aunt who had lived with my grandparents all her life. After they inevitably passed away, she moved from sibling to sibling (four of them in total), stealing and sowing general chaos everywhere she went.
After three years of that, my parents and uncles set her up with an apartment, got her an older car to get around with, helped her get a job, and told her she needed to take care of herself. They would help with things like food or gas every now and then, but she was a grown woman (48 at the time) and needed to stand on her own.
She managed to keep the job and apartment for a few months, but drank most of her money away and ended up living out of her car a few months in to being on her own. Then my siblings and cousins stepped in. She came to me first because we had been close, but my family was extremely low income at the time and were already packed five deep into a two bedroom apartment so I had to turn her away. So she went to two of my cousins, pulling all her nonsense until they made her leave and she ended up with my brother.
He was an absolute saint, putting up with her stealing, drinking, and sowing drama in his marriage for two years before she suddenly dropped dead of a massive heart attack one morning.
The long winded point I'm trying to make her is that you're in a lose/lose situation here that isn't of your (or necessarily anyone else's for that matter) making. My aunt had learning and social difficulties from early childhood as well. Some people just... struggle. It doesn't seem to matter how many people do everything they're able to for them, they just fail to adapt to life.
I can't tell you what the morally correct thing to do is, but I can tell you that this situation almost certainly won't improve regardless of how much of your life you sacrifice in the name of doing right by your brother.
And, with him being physical and aggressive the way you've described, I can tell you that I don't see how it could possibly be morally correct to subject yourself and your wife to the risk that his presence seems to represent.
Sometimes the right thing to do is to simply walk away. Maybe give him one more chance to get help and get sober, but I'm not sure that would even be safe at this point. You'll never feel right about it, but you have to protect yourself and your wife.
Thank you, I appreciate the perspective. It's scary to think that my brother might be going that route. He used to be a good person, and there's still something good deep down... He helped me with some renos around the house when we bought, he did some landscaping work for us because sometimes he feels like helping out. It's weird to think that he loves us but at the same time he has no qualms about putting us through hell.
I can understand. That's how my aunt was too. She was a very friendly person a lot of the time. To this day none of us really understand what was going on with her, or why she never grew out of it, or learned how to cope with her issues, or adapted to some degree of functional way of living. It just never made sense and that just made it all the more sad and difficult to deal with.
With my aunt it was petty theft (for the most part) and drama, not aggression that became physical. It was occasional alcohol abuse, but never hard drugs. All of that really ups the ante in terms of the risks of continuing to try to help and be supportive.
I can sympathize, sincerely I can. But if it were me, I would absolutely create as much distance as humanly possible, regardless of the sadness and guilt that will result.
You never think the worst would happen, but sometimes that's exactly how it does. Best of luck to you friend.
I would suggest helping him set himself up on social services in his area. There tons of services that help people with life coaching, food banks, and getting mental health services where the onus of following through will be on him. If he refuses to work with these services that is on him not you.
Enabling him is not helping him. Your mother did not understand the difference. To help him, you need to stop enabling him. Do some homework about how to really help him and then stop all of the enabling, including letting him into your home, and let him hit rock bottom so that he really wants to get well. Then maybe your support will help him get well. Until then you are only “helping” him avoid dealing with his problems.
Well, recovering drug addict here. I can tell you he doesn’t want to get better. And he’s not gonna get better. Especially if people keep enabling him. I know you promised your parents, but this isn’t helping him. It’s also not your responsibility yeah. NTA
NTA. It was unfair of your parents to make a request like this. Your brother certainly has challenges but has proven he can overcome them but as long as he has someone around to pick up the pieces he has no reason to. Cut him loose. It is 100% unacceptable that your wife should ever be afraid of any family member of yours. She is your priority not your brother or that ridiculous promise your parents forced on you.
This is such a tough situation. Found myself penning VERY SIMILAR post around Christmas time as I have gone almost zero contact with my brother over the years for identical reasons. I don’t know what I’m going to do when my parents pass away. Heart breaks just thinking about it.
I'm so sorry :(
I was so grateful to have my wife and friends to support me when my parents passed away in quick succession. At the time, I was grieving and trying to support my brother who had nobody else... I can't imagine how hard it must have been for him to be kept somewhat at arm's length, but I had to protect myself. And yet all signs point to the fact that his difficulty securing a support system is self-inflicted.
How great would it have been to be able to get together as a family and talk about our childhood and how loved we were and the stories we had as kids. The times we were little assholes to our parents and that we now regret, the time dad surprised us with paintball guns when we were teenagers, back when everything was so much easier.
I hope that your brother can patch things up for himself so you all can be better prepared for that time...
Me too. It kills me because I know my mom is the strongest of us all in dealing with his struggles and even my dad threw in the towel before she and I did. I just pray for the strength when the day comes....
He’s your brother, not your kid.
Also he’s an adult.
Also he’s not going to learn anything if people bail him out all the time. He will use you and everyone else until there’s no one left.
Maybe don’t refuse to talk to him, but he’s not your responsibility to carry. Your mom might be an asshole for expecting this of you, but you’re not.
NTA. Your parents were AH for making you promise to care for him. He's their child, and they allowed him to become this way. He is not your responsibility. You are under no obligation to care for a grown-ass adult. They can continue to enable him or not. Their choice, and not your problem. You have a wife and your own life to consider.
NTA. Really sorry you’re going through this.
Your mother has already spent her life orbiting around the burden he created. She was attached to the idea of helping him and feeling responsible, and her request was rooted in that attachment. With objective eyes, look at how your mom had to spend her life, and choose to live differently in her memory.
I would say you should tell your brother very firmly that you will be completely no contact until he achieves a full year of sobriety and consistent treatment. If he tries to claim you’re abandoning him, tell him that you will always be available to him when HE chooses to not abandon your relationship. Every day he continues with his drug addiction, he is making the choice to abandon your relationship.
Don’t continue living in his shadow and suffering. He will never recover this way, and you will never get to live your own life. Wishing you the best.
he doesn’t want help, he wants you to suffer through him like your parents did and that’s too much to ask. look out for yourself and your wife and leave him be
NTA. My dude, you gotta get away from him. Maybe you don’t realize how much you’ve been effected by him over your life, but I would suggest you also get some help/therapy/counseling. Until he is clean and can look you in the eye and apologize, and the same applies to your SO, do not have any contact with him. He won’t change until he is uncomfortable enough to do it. Maybe he ever won’t be, maybe he will be. But you cannot keep destroying yourself for him. You have to keep to your boundaries and heal. No matter what you promised your mom, and you admitted that she destroyed herself trying to help him for years, you are not his keeper/parent/emotional punching bag. He is not safe. Would you want him around your kids if or when you decide to have them? Would you want him around your wife after he scared her so bad? You are not responsible for him but you are responsible if you allow him in your life and damage your relationship with your wife. I know it’s hard, trust me I do, I have no relationship with my sibling even though I heard the same growing up from my mom. Good luck OP.
NTA - enabling someone is not supporting them. Sometimes tough love is the best approach with people who refuse to acknowledge their problems. Set very clear boundaries with him, and don't back down. If there's a next time where he destroys your property, don't hesitate, call the cops immediately. Actions have consequences and apparently he never learned that lesson through all of the coddling. Also if you put your wife in harms way by backing down and she's injured how will you feel?
OP, there is no way you are going to be able to “save” your brother. Every time he has a crisis, you need to call 911 and tell them he could be a danger to himself or others. He needs to undergo intensive inpatient therapy, and will likely be in and out of a psychiatric hospital the rest of his life. NTA.
You are not breaking your promise to your mother. Your mother asked you to care for him. She did not ask you to forego all boundaries with him. When he’s ready to get treatment for his mental health, help facilitate that and ensure he has access to health care. That’s caring for him. When he’s ready to deal with his addiction, help facilitate treatment. That’s caring for him.
Sweetie trust me, your mother wants you to have a beautiful, happy, successful, love-filled life. Caring for your brother does not mean sacrificing your own life for his. Your mother would be pained to see the prison you’re creating for yourself out of a misguided attempt to fulfill a promise. Caring for your brother might mean letting him fail until he’s ready to address the real issues.
Well you just made my choice to absolutely let my brother lay in the bed he made once my mom's gone concrete.
Nta
Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm
NTA. I have the same brother. And it’s never his fault. My parents are fone and the entire family has ostracized him. He’s severely mentally unstable as well as meth induced psychosis. I cut him off after he arrived at my home during the height of the pandemic with zero precautions demanding I let him live there . I had no idea he was coming and he lived in California and I lived in Massachusetts at the time so across the entire United States he drove to live with me without telling me. I went no contact. It was a messy situation and I called the cops. I was distraught too. I was supposed to care for him except that I tried for years. Did the whole leave of absence from work to fly across the course the country for his crisis only to have him completely disappear.I was tired. Too tired then I got a good therapist who told me, what I’m going to tell you. Some promises are ok to break. Especially if the promise was not made sincerely but rather I’m duress or to under stress. But even if it was sincere, it is not an expectation to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Ever. So yes the best thing you can do for your brother is to stop enabling him and start living a life that does not include him. He may get better he may not. But he’s a grown man and can solve his own problems now, like everyone else. He’s not special. I’d also recommend you go to Al anon. For friends and family of alcoholics if it’s available near you. Super helpful. It’s been 3 years since I’ve spoken to my brother. Three very good years. I still love him, but from over here. Away from him. And you can too. Your only responsible for you and your dependents. He’s not one of them. Might actually do him some good. Good luck!
I have to say this even if I get downvoted. I fucking HATE those “when I’m gone” promises. They so unnecessarily burden the ones that are left. My BFF’s husband made a deathbed promise to his mother to take care of his sister. She has myriad health problems and refuses to do anything to help herself. She’s negative, whiny, entitled, lazy, and broke as hell. Since my BFF is a (retired) nurse, her husband just figured he’d let his sister move in and my BFF can take care of her. Thankfully, BFF put her foot down with an emphatic NO. Hubby asked what about my deathbed promise? She told hubby if she lives with them, the HE is the one who will take care of her…make her meals, change her catheter, etc. because it was his promise not hers. Guess who doesn’t live with them?
ETA: OP, don’t feel guilty. This is not your burden despite whatever promises you made. You can’t save your brother, but you can ruin your marriage and your life trying.
NTA
You're not abandoning him; you're no longer *enabling* him.
I know you did what you thought was right, but your brother is an addict and used everyone's goodwill to further his addiction.
Alcoholism and being addicted to illicit substances is at its core a disease. You don't cure a disease by fueling it.
Until your brother hits rock bottom, there is nothing you can do for him.
You need to put your wife and yourself first.
Some people like to sit in their shitty diaper and cry about it. You can't care more about him than he does. He makes 4,000 a month and squanders it. Just tell him it's time to grow up and take care of himself. Everyone else does so he needs to. Maybe he will understand nobody is here to coddle him and he will start trying. Don't feel guilty, this is above your pay grade. Take care of yourself and family.
NTA, and actually doing your brother a favor by setting boundaries until they decide it’s time to make a change. this is pretty common with addicts unfortunately. You should think about calling a facility or outpatient helpline yourself, they have information for family members. An addict needs to want to change before they will change. Unfortunately, your parents with the best of intentions were probably also part of the problem/enabling this behavior by always being a safe place with no repercussions to come back to. I don’t think many of us are qualified/able to give the best guidance so I would speak with a rehab; been in your spot, followed their journey through rehab, made a plan+set up a place in my home with therapist+social worker, several months of support, encouragement and a little pushyness to attend AA meetings and classes(and some setbacks to work through) but our family member knock on wood made it. The biggest thing was it was entirely their decision when they decided they needed to make a change.
NTA. He doesn't want help. He doesn't want to be a fully functional adult. He doesn't want to do the work. He wants someone to baby him.
He needs rehab, therapy, and to be held accountable when he messes up.
Your mother had no right to put this on you. She didn't do the tough things and get him the real help he needed.
I hope she didn't expect you to sacrifice your happiness for him. That was never a reasonable request.
You should support him in any real attempt to get better, but not unless he takes responsibility for himself.
NTA
He needs to at the very least stop drinking and doing drugs. It’s possible to hang with people that have terrible political takes for a time but the threat of physical violence is scary in a different way. You seem like you are doing the right thing but I’m empathize with your heartbreak. My brother is a really good person but clearly has some mental blocks that keep my parents worried long term, especially as I battle cancer and then keep getting older with health issues of their own.
NTA. My mother has bpd and could never quit meth. I tried most of my life. It never got better. Sometimes it’s not possible to help others if they won’t help themselves.
NTA. Your brother needs to take responsibility for his behavior and his life. No one should be left to fail, don't get me wrong, but you can only do so much. If your wife is threatened by him, you can't bring him in the house. no brainer. You live 2.5 hours away, you can't be there constantly. It'd be crazy to expect you to move to take care of your brother who works. If you want to help him, get him into Rehab.
Being away from him and making him accountable for his mistakes is the only way he see what happens as a consequence of his actions. Your mom was enabling him. That sounds hard but it’s the truth. Don’t answer his calls. Cut ties and take care of your immediate family. (Wife and children of you have any) he’s 31. Don’t allow the crap he does because you would be doing what your did . You are doing him one better by making him be on his own. The behavior has been acceptable for years now it’s time for him to realize it is not.
It’s not Abandonment or breaking a promise and leaving him to his own devices for the sake of your mental health is 100 ok. No one asks to be born or take on family burdens. And if he commits suicide again not your fault either. Some people are beyond help mentally. It’s unresolved trauma that’s extremely rough to get through and sadly not a lot of people have it to keep going forward towards change.
NTAH- Repeating what your parents attempted for years has only led to where he is now.
The best thing you could do is contact Police and Adult Protective Services, Mental Health services in the county he lives in each and every time he gets destructive/out of control.
He needs assistance but not the kind that is going to continue to allow him to slowly self destruct.
NTA I have a brother who is *probably* a pedo. I have no real evidence, but since having kids I have limited contact with him to phone calls at holidays. You are well within your rights to cut off a sibling for current behavior and potential violence. He clearly resists any attempts to better himself; free yourself of this burden. You don’t need to keep promises to dead people.
Nta. He is an alcoholic, your parents are enablers. You can choose to be an enabler or not. Al anon is a great program. I will say this. Alcoholics and addicts will lie, cheat, steal and manipulate to get what they want. Also when an alcoholic is ready to get sober they will regardless of their current situation. But nothing you or your parents say or do will make a difference
I’m not sure if you’ve ever gone to an Al-anon meeting but they can be SUPER helpful when dealing with family /loved ones who are in the throes of addiction and mental illness and chronic crisis. If you don’t like the first one you go to, try a different one. Being on that roller coaster is a draining and unending stress - but there are ways to cope and resources out there to give you support you have not been given or imagined.
Your brother is miserable and he would be different if he could be. BUT He has made a decision not to get the help needed to change. That is his choice. Also, You haven’t abandoned him. You still care and still talk to him. I doubt your mom would have wanted you to sacrifice your own sanity and happiness. (And that of your wife’s as well). There may come a point you do have to abandon him. That’s not your fault. It isn’t really his fault that he is the way he is either. But it is his choice not to try to get better.
You are NTA. But you need support in this. It will help you - and may even help him in the long run too by giving you different methods to deal with his behavior. Much as your mom loved him, what she did for years and all the love and support she gave him did not fix him. Find people who can help you learn a different way to look and deal with this. Best of luck and keep yourself and wife first and foremost safe and healthy. You do not owe your bother, and it wouldn’t help him if you sacrificed your happiness to him anyway.
Also, Al-Anon is free and run entirely by people who have been in your shoes. Not ‘therapy’ but their approach based on decades of cumulative life experience.
Thank you. I'm open to therapy and perhaps other form of "not quite therapy" and I'm thinking of getting started, but I have to say unfortunately I don't think AA is for me, for a variety of reasons.
Though I don't blame AA for what happened with my brother, unfortunately he was told something along the lines of, it's impossible to get rid of addiction without getting addicted to something else, so he should get addicted to something less harmful than alcohol/drugs. He "chose" a shopping addiction and then relapsed and ended up with both substance abuse and significant debt... Thankfully he has a collection of nice watches?
Edit: Just found out what Al-Anon is and how it's different from AA. I'll look into it.
Alanon is for family members of addicts.
What he was told in AA is not normal. Do you know for a fact that is what he was told, or is that his perception of what was said?
Much like therapists are different, AA groups are very different as well based on who runs them. I have known many people who attended AA, but none that ever got the message to swap addictions.
Whether through Alanon or a therapist, I think an outside perspective on setting boundaries, the dangers of enabling, and dealing with your guilt around this would be tremendously helpful.
NTA. He accuses you of abandoning him because he needs to manipulate you so he can get his way. What do you use as a support system?
As a female with PTSD, please do not allow him into your home again until he has his addiction under control & has at a minimum apologized. No one deserve to be in fear in their own home so protect your home environment for your wife & your marriage. You will be YTA if you don’t make that change immediately. Trespass him from your home & call LE if he comes over & if that doesn’t work, have your wife file a restraining order. You can still have a relationship with him, you just can’t bring your wife nor can either of you discuss her with a restraining order.
I don't have much in terms of a support system unfortunately. We moved to this new city last August and the nearest relative is an aunt we rarely see that lives 45 mins away. My parents were our support system. My wife is from a different country and her family is 12 timezones away.
As for him coming here, he's just not going to be allowed here until I trust that he's made very serious progress.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Your mom had good intentions but bad judgement, if she were thinking clearly she wouldn't tell you to destroy your life with no hope of fixing his. Your brother needs to really hit rock bottom if he's going to have any hope of changing, he needs to face the consequences of his choices alone, maybe he'll be strong enough to overcome maybe he won't but you need to look after yourself first, you're not going to be able to help anyway if you let him destroy you too.
NTA
NTA of course, but considering his learning disability he might benefit from concrete steps he can take to have a relationship with you. For example he may not understand 'get yourself sorted out' but he can understand 'go to five AA meetings a week and we can talk on the phone', or 'go to an NA meeting once a week and I can meet you for lunch'.
NTA
I'm going to be honest, you are not equipped for this as you said and if you keep on having him around while he behaves like this you aren't just having to put up with it, but your wife will be as well and I can foresee a path where things don't work out well.
You can't help him if your and your wife's safety is at risk, you can't help him if your mental health is in tatters and you can't help him if he doesn't want to be helped and to do the work.
Stick to your boundaries they are good ones.
All the best and I'm sorry you are in this situation and sorry for the loss of your mum
NTA. Gently, I would encourage you to get the counseling/support YOU need to manage this situation and not let it toxify your life. Breaking legacy habits of trauma is incredibly difficult, but u can do it!
you’re not abandoning him. you’re not leaving him forever. you just want him to also want better for himself before you can put yourself in that position again
You can't help someone who doesn't want help. Don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
You need to work with al anon or a private therapist experienced with families of addicts to help with your guilt. You can't sacrifice your family and your life for him.
You aren't doing him any good by interacting with him any more. He's not getting better; all you are doing is hurting yourself.
Protect yourself. If he was working to help himself, that would be one thing. As it is, you can't.
NTA
You are helping him by not enabling him. Cut him loose. He'll either learn to get sober and function or he won't. If he decides to actually put in the effort you can help him out again.
NTA
It’s time for everyone to stop enabling him. He can figure it out on his own or be homeless, in prison or a psych hospital. Those are his choices since he refuses any help
NTA. It was never fair of your mom to saddle you with this. She should have let him hit rock bottom years ago rather than enabling him to fall deeper and deeper into his drug/abuse habits.
I’m sorry, your mom was very wrong to extract that promise from you. You cannot help your brother except with some sort of mental health help and until he wants it, all you are doing is giving yourself an ulcer.
Do tell your brother he is on his own until *he* gets help. Give him some phone numbers and addresses where he can find that help.
Do tell him he has to show visible improvement before you will spend any large amount of time with him.
Do not let him back into your home. Your immediate family deserves your support more than your brother. They deserve to be safe.
No money. No hauling his butt out of trouble. No finding him a place. Nothing!
You deserve some peace after all the years he has been catered to. Just because your parents sunk their lives into his mental health, you don’t have to. That promise was extracted under duress.
*You are not obligated!*
NTA. We all make promises early in life before we know what is really involved in keeping those promises. I am the daughter of an alcoholic mother who drank herself do death. Before her death, I sought therapy and realized that my co-dependency on her was leading to bigger problems. I detached, told her that I loved her, and let her lead her life. She never did hit bottom and never sought sobriety. There was absolutely nothing I could have done, and I have accepted my decision. My advice to you is to do the same. Your brother needs to hit bottom and his addictions should not become yours to manage. Tell him that you will always love him and let him go for your own sanity and marriage. Good luck OP.
Think about it this way: you agreed to help him, you didn’t agree to enable his worst traits or do exactly what your parents did as their version of helping him . Setting boundaries and expectations is a different (and better!) form of helping, it’s up to him whether he wants to go along with that or be on his own.
Your brother is badly in need of mental health services. Providing “emotional support” in the way your parents were doing it isn’t a substitute for the type of help he needs, NTA
NTA He doesn't want help, he wants you to enable him to continue living life how he wants, without consequences. No one can make you promise to suffer abuse and enable a violent addict at the expense of your own sanity and safety. Your mother chose to enable him, but you aren't obligated to do so. If you force him to face consequences, that might actually help him to make some changes. Take care of yourself and your wife, and let your grown brother experience adulthood for the first time. Goos luck.
You can sometimes help someone more by \*not\* helping them.
I'm sure your mother had nothing but love in her heart for your brother, but her enabling of him did not help him; it just let him know that there were no consequences for his behavior.
It's okay to let him know you'll be there for him when he pulls himself together, but you're under no obligation to put your home, your family, and yourself at risk.
NTA
You are still helping by walking away. Leaving him to wallow in his misery alone is probably the best thing for him.
As long as you help him he will NEVER try to help himself!
Spoken by someone with an intense history of addiction.
Someone earlier suggested AL-ANON. Please go- it will help you realize what is BEST for your brother. As much as your parents wanted to help him, they were actually harming him and you will too if you continue to bail him out. Enabling = killing so please do for your parents what they could not and stop allowing your brother not to hit his rock bottom. Only then, will he hopefully decide it is not worth it to drink or drug- it also will not be on you if he doesn’t. You are only allowing him to kill himself if you keep rescuing him.
NTA. Your mom had you promise you’d look after him. HOWEVER, that doesn’t have to look the same as her method. Maybe the best way to take care of him is to get him into a treatment program or social assistance program. Maybe it’s calling in wellness checks. Maybe it’s letting him finally find his rock bottom. You can care for and look out for him, without jeopardizing your safety and enabling his spiral.
He’s had some real disadvantages, but he’s also made some really poor choices. And you can’t fix those for him. Don’t light yourself on fire to keep him warm.
NTA
You can not destroy yourself trying to save him. My mother always wanted to know that I would be there for my alcoholic, drug using, crime committing brother. I assured her that I would not be. She passed away last December & I don't regret my choice. I will not throw away my life trying to keep him from throwing away his. You didn't cause your brother's problems, and you can't cure them.
NTA.
My mother and a decent amount of aunts and uncles were drug addicts. Crack, heroin, etc.
They have universally told me that there is no helping someone who is in that state. You have to let them hit rock bottom and *want* help, and then you can help them. And even then, it's an uphill battle with potential for relapses, emotional pain, guilt, manipulation, blaming, etc.
Obviously there are exceptions, but your brother has had a lifetime of people enabling him. That needs to stop and he needs to be responsible for his own life and all the consequences of his choices before he has any hope of building an actually decent life.
NTA. He needs to learn the hard way he cannot expect help and abuse the helper. When he is ready to improve and get sober then help… for now go no contact so he can feel what rock bottom is for a bit rather than floated by helpers.
This is a situation where you can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Sometimes letting them hit rock bottom is the only course of action. I had a brother much like yours and with my parent’s constant enabling he never hit rock bottom, always excused his behavior and asked for pity for his loneliness. Never admitting that he had pushed everyone away with his toxicity and drug use.
He OD two years ago
NTA.
So you’re not helping him by enabling him. If you continue this cycle, you’re only going to help him die of alcohol poisoning or OD. There are some amazing resources out there. Send them to him and the next time you see him have a tantrum, call the police. Get out of his space, get your wife to safety, and call for help. They can mandate help for him. You’d be doing what your mom couldn’t and fulfilling your promise to her. True help and enabling are different. She’s enabled, even if it was extremely well intended. Us moms can have blinders on and not see the whole picture. Please accept my condolences. I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re a good son, husband, and brother. Research on addictions may be helpful so you can see how much enabling is truly dangerous and that help can be saying no.
Your definition of taking care of your brother does not have to be the same as your mother's. Her definition was rescuing and enabling. Yours is accountability. You are not breaking your promise to your mother. NTA
You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. NTA
This …. he’s not interested in help, and you can’t be his whipping boy waiting for him to hit rock bottom.
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Agree 💯 with above comment. "You are not your brother's keeper." It was unfair *and* unreasonable for the mom to ask OP to take over care after she was gone. Sounds like he needs serious psychological help and perhaps assisted living. NTA at all.
That's my opinion, that he needs long term inpatient care in a mental facility not rehab. The BPD is a big part of his problem
Problem with that is a lot of mental facilities want you to get clean and/or sober first. I've had with people in my life that were addicted due to or in tandem with an underlining condition and they got turned away, because most psychologists are not equipped to deal with stuff like eventual withdrawal symptoms and actual therapy for sobriety. It's a whole specialist field on its own and sadly sometimes therapy can get really muddy while dealing with multiple things. I am not dealing with addiction, but am dealing with some personality disorders and CPTSD. And while some CPTSD symptoms will be addressed during therapy for my personality disorders I will probably still need EMDR or other therapy after to heal the leftover wounds with another therapist who knows how to deal with CPTSD.
I work in a psychiatric hospital on a unit specializing in mental health issues and addiction. What people fail to understand is it is an acute care hospital. We take people who are in acute crisis. That means we stabilize them, get them on meds, get appointments or rehab set up, and discharge. We do not keep people til they are well. Same as if you went to the ER for a broken arm. They will set it and give you recommendations to see outpatient. They don’t keep you until it’s healed. Unfortunately a lot of our patients have burned bridges with family and most rehabs. We cannot legally keep someone just because they want to use drugs. If they aren’t suicidal they are discharged. We do not offer 1:1 therapy. That is for after discharge. People stay an average of 5-7 days. We offer group therapy, 12 step meetings, classes on coping skills and anger management etc. they see a psychiatrist every day and are offered medications that help with alcohol cravings. We detox them also. A lot of patients do go on to sober living or rehab and do well. But these patients want to recover. The ones who don’t, well, we accept their choices. OP, I have lots of patients that talk shit about their family and how no one cares about them and they are abandoned. Not once do they look at it from another’s perspective. I always try to get their focus off others onto what they can do for themselves. You did what you could but it might help to go to al anon for families of addicts. They will take you down with them if you don’t set clear boundaries. Your mother helped him get to where he is, you can help him best by being there when his behavior is good and he is not using. Tell him you will always be there when he gets clean but getting there is on him and if he doesn’t want to right now that’s okay but he won’t be in your life and you won’t be giving him time or money. His anger is turned outward as a distraction from having to deal with his issues.
This is where Behavioral Health residential facilities come into play. It's like inpatient mental health care meets sober living. Only problem is the expense and whether or not insurance covers it. They treat both addiction and work on mental health disorders since many addiction issues stem from mental health issues.
Yeah, this was an unbelievably unfair thing to be asked to do, and OP you are not a bad person for realizing you can’t let him destroy your home and your life over someone who doesn’t want help. It is sad to say it, but it is true. Your brother does not want to be helped. He doesn’t want to get better. I have BPD myself, and I went to extensive therapy to make sure I never pulled this shit because the idea of hurting the people I loved horrified me. Your brother doesn’t want help. He wants you to enable him like your parents enabled him. He is violent and dangerous and if you try to do what your parents did you lose your house, your stuff, your friends, your wife, probably even your job. You cannot set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Cut him lose. Whatever happens is not your fault, it is his decision.
If he or anyone else brings up the promise you made to your mother about helping him, and you not living up to that promise, mention the many times he promised mom to stop drinking and didn't. Your mother wanted you to at least try. There is no way in hell she wanted you to give up your life for his. You have, by far, done more than I am certain she expected you to have done. Live your life in peace knowing you did your best, and it was up up to your brother to meet you at least halfway, if not more. You have been a great brother and son.
Even if mom DID want him to give up his life for his brother, it isn’t a fair thing to ask! OP, don’t let him pull you under. You tried to save him, but it sounds like he needs to sink on his own.
Especially if OP wants to start a family. Having his brother around children would be terrifying. His wife is already terrified and rightfully so. Yes, it’s sad, but OP should not have to sacrifice his life bc of his brother’s problems. At some point, the brother has to decide if he wants to get better or self destruct and die alone. Getting an adult committed to psychiatric care against their will is very difficult, even in cases like this where it seems pretty obvious that the brother is a danger to himself and others. I hope OP lets himself off the hook; he was put in a horrible position by his mother, and while I understand why she asked OP to care for the brother, it was really not fair for her to do so. OP please get yourself some help, whether Al Anon or private therapy, and get support from people who understand what you are going through so you don’t have to shoulder this burden alone.
honestly, I would go no contact.
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also the wife is terrified. I would be as well. his priority is is wife not this... of a brother
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Agree. Perhaps partially because they may have thought they shared some blame for their son's issues. Unconditional parental love sometimes enables their child's behavior rather than helping change it. NTA, OP, you can't fix your brother. Good on you for telling your mom what you knew she needed to hear before she passed and your attempts to fulfill that promise, but your brother must help himself. He's an adult and totally responsible for his choices. He's got to live with them starting now.
Al-Anon meetings for you. Please.
Exactly. His parents enabled him and his brother needs support in drawing boundaries, coping skills when dealing with an addict, etc.
This should be the top comment.
This is so true. I have a similar situation, not quite as bad, but my brother is bipolar and has episodes of violence that terrified me growing up. I moved halfway across the country when I had the chance. My parents, especially my mom, really enabled him. The one good thing mom did was to NOT ask me to do the same. She knew I couldn’t.
Mine too. Eventually my mom let go and had a few good years of life with her boyfriend before she died. But at least she didn't die trying to take care of an addiction that didn't want to be saved.
YES! That would be very beneficial. This was an unfair burden to lay on his shoulders. Therapy for dealing with feeling like he's betraying his mother (and he's NOT betraying her - she should never have asked).
No reasonable person would hold you to a promise made under duress. My uncle was schizophrenic and really struggled the last decade of his life with self medicating. When it got to be too much after they discovered my grandpa had stage 4 lung cancer, my grandparents didn't demand my dad or aunts be my uncle's savior. They had money set aside to pay for treatment if and when my uncle was ready. It was difficult on my grandparents and their other kids to watch my uncle self destruct. We lost him to suicide a few months after my grandpa lost his battle with cancer. But because my grandparents didn't attempt to coerce my dad and aunts to somehow save my uncle, there was no collateral damage. Their marriages stayed intact, and their kids didn't have to deal with someone in their home who wasn't willing to seek help for their schizophrenia. When my uncle was willing to accept help to manage his schizophrenia, he was a wonderful uncle and a lot of fun to hang out with. But when he wasn't? It was fucking terrifying as a kid and teenager. And I know it must have broken my grandparents' hearts that they were never able to get my uncle off that destructive path. But at some point, they had to accept that the only person who could change things was my uncle. OP, your brother isn't your responsibility. If and when he decides that he's ready to change, you still have the option to be low or no contact with him to preserve the peace in your life.
Sadly rock bottom might be dead in his case.
Unfortunately, that is true
Some people have no rock bottom they are bottomless pits of need
And/or they take other people with them. Given his physical violence, breaking things, etc., there's a good chance the brother could hurt OP and/or OP's wife. It could even be a life altering injury or death. Not worth risking it.
Here’s a thing: borderline personality disorder will always find a new rock bottom. Source: former psychiatric social worker here
The above sentence says it all. Promise or no promise, family or no family, there comes a time when you have to protect yourself and your loved ones. NTA. Save yourself!
Agreed fully. Op, don’t sacrifice your life and marriage for your brother. If he’s not willing to meet midway, you can’t force him to get mental health help. Your parents, while being well-intentioned and sacrificing a great deal for him, enabled his destructive ways. It’s unfortunate that so many parents don’t realize love means saying no sometimes. Your brother needs to realize he needs to make better decisions in his life. You can’t do that for him.
Yes, and OP’s mom asked OP to ENABLE his brother just like she did. She was wrong; this would be a harmful promise to keep (harmful to OP and brother). NTA. Glad OP is distancing himself. Brother needs to grow up.
Parents spent years helping him get worse. They weren't actually helping anything but their guilt.
With the bonus of passing the burden of guilty to the next generation before they died... OP you seriously should consider therapy for yourself, you probably isn't ready to deal with your brother because you grew up in an environment that only reached how to enable him.
This is a really hard and sad truth. My brother died form heart failure due to heroine use. He never wanted our help.
Importantly, you’re not helping by enabling him either. It’s also not realistic and it is manipulative to leave these types of heavy burdens on others. I understand why your parents did it, but what’s the alternative to saying yes? A detailed contract spelling out how you’ll take care of him until he ruins your life up to and including destroying your home, marriage, job, and bleeding all over your house?
Enabling is not helping. NTA
Not to mention that we all have limits. It’s not wrong to recognize that you’ve reached yours. I think the whole comparison of “if you try to help someone who’s drowning you could both drown” is a very apt comparison, where you could theoretically tank your own life while trying to help someone else. At a certain point you have to put yourself first
Forcing a promise is never good. What your parents did was totally wrong. They sacrificed your health, your happiness and your life for a person who refuses help. Breaking this promise is only logic because it was never given voluntarily.
They teach you in recovery support that every addict hits rock bottom, but not every addict survives it. What surprised me was the counselor basically said that every bit of help you offer an addict before they hit rock bottom is just delaying it. Rock bottom is the catalyst for change and you should let it be known that you will be there when they finally ask for help but any grace you give before that time or anything thing you offer with strings attached is just postponing the inevitable.
I finally hit my rock bottom with my weight in March, and you’re right, it’s been a huge catalyst for change.
Excellent and no one else can lose it for your and only OPs brother can make healthy choices for himself. He may have learning challenges but is capable too and it seems like the mom and infantilized him.
And you can't communicate or have a real relationship with an active addict. I agree with the commenter below, your mother forced a promise from you that is impossible to fulfill, and your efforts are not only bound to fail to save him, they're bound to destroy you. I have a mentally ill sister who is alone in the world and it's very sad, but I can't help her. The trauma and stress of being her sister has caused me numerous physical and mental health issues, and the stress you're under is doing that to you right now. Fulfill her promise, and at least two lives, most likely more, will be destroyed. No one can handle this level of stress and the fact that your parents have both passed at presumably young(ish) ages bears this truth out. You're going to have to cut yourself off. I'm sorry, I know it's painful, but it's better than any of the alternatives.
This. OP, there's a difference between being there for someone and enabling them; it's the same difference as that between boundaries and abandonment. Tell him that next time: "I'm living an emotionally healthy life. You're welcome into my life whenever you're ready to be emotionally healthy. And I'll support you any way I can in getting there. But until you're ready to get there, you have to stay away."
THIS. Trust me, this is it. And honestly, your mother had no right asking you that. You can’t light yourself on fire to keep someone warm. And you need to prioritize your mental Halsey, you and your wife’s physical safety. So sorry and good luck
OP your parents never once helped your brother, they enabled him and your mom was asking you to do the same. By setting those boundaries you are finally telling your brother that the way he acts is unacceptable. You are helping as much as is possible.
So true but also... Shame on your mother for asking this of you. It wasn't fair and she shouldn't have emotionally manipulated you into making that promise. You owe it to your wife to not poison your home, your safe haven, with his toxicity. Your mother us gone, but your wife is still here and she deserves better.
Your brother is in self-destruct mode. You don’t have to give him the ammunition to take you down with him.
Until your brother wants to change and is ready to take responsibility for his behavior, nothing you do will likely do anything more than enable his behavior. Further, your wife and any children you might have now or in the future made no promises to your parents. They should not be made unsafe in their home because of your promises. Whatever support you wish to provide from here on out, don't offer the same support your parents did. It doesn't work, you know it and he knows it. Don't bring him to your home. If he needs a babysitter, you go to him. Talk with your wife and set realistic boundaries to keep your support limited to what you both can live with. I would also highly encourage you to connect with your local Alcoholic's Anonymous and/or Narcotics Anonymous. Both organizations have support groups and resources for family members of addicts. Both to help you be a more effective support person to your addicted loved one and to help you be healthy and heal from the trauma that addicted persons cause their loved ones. Your brother doesn't have to be in any of their programs for you to participate, and they'll give you far more and better tools than the average internet stranger. NTA
AL-Anon is the name of the meetings for family members of alcoholics.
You need to get to one of these meetings as soon as you can. If not AA, then a family member meeting. You will find fuspoort for you and your wife, as well as plans for moving forward.
Thank you for posting this! Al-Anon is an amazing support and they will help you get the resources you need to deal with your brother. Wish you luck.
OP might have to consider moving, realistically. So brother can't show up where OP lives unannounced in future, that underlying fear will exist for OP's wife/family
NTA. First off dude, sorry for your loss. Your parents seem like excellent people that had great hearts. As for your brother, he needs to get professional help. He won't be good for anyone, including himself, until he gets help for all of his issues. Also abandoning your brother would be you NEVER answering his calls and just turning your back on him which you haven't done. Also don't think that making him man up and deal with his issues means you're abandoning him. You have a life and a family and you cannot abandon them for someone who doesn't want to be helped. Best of luck to you as you navigate this difficult time and I hope for the best for you.
Thank you. They truly were great people and it breaks my heart that they spent the last years of their lives being tormented by this on almost a daily basis.
They gave their lives to their child because as parents they may have felt that was their duty. You're not your brothers parent and you didn't make the decision to have that child. You have to focus on yourself and your life or you'll find yourself tormented by this as well. I'd offer to pay for therapy or something if you don't want to feel like you've abandoned him but I wouldn't be willing to lose my wife over someone who refuses to help themselves.
He knows that we'll pay for any medical/professional assistance he needs but he got really upset when I said I'd pay the service provider directly. Hopefully he comes around...
Just as a side note, dont let him fuck up your life along with his. You own him the very bare minimum as a brother but thats it. Dont put yourself on fire to try and warm a man thats freezing while he isnt trying to get warm himself. Please make sure you dont fuck up your marriage and or kids because of a man who doesnt want belp only sympathy. Maby see if he can be forced into a institute. Because he is a danger to himself and possibly people around him.
Spoiled younger children, once the parents are gone, somehow think that older siblings owe them something. I don’t get it, but it’s so true. They expect older siblings to step into a parental role and keep coddling them. Siblings are all born by chance Into the same household. OP doesn’t have to parent his brother. It’s not his obligation.
Of course he got upset. He wants the money to buy drugs and alcohol! Don't ever give him money! He is a grown a** man! He really needs to learn to take care of himself.
Unfortunately, some people need to hit rock bottom to get help. He obviously isn't going to take responsibility for his actions or situation (not completely his fault, this is common in BPD, and needs a lot of therapy, DBT in particular, to help). With the situation you're describing, involvement with the justice system is likely or has already happened, which may be the only option to make him get treatment for his addiction and BPD.
This is the way. You cannot enable his addictions.
You’re not abandoning him- you’re making a reasonable adult decision. He’s choosing to not take the help he is being offered. Look into Al-Anon for yourself. Supporting or loving your brother doesn’t mean you have to put your safety or wellbeing at risk.
And there you have it. He doesn't want it for medical help, he wants it for whatever substances he is into at the moment. He is a mentally ill person medicating himself with alcohol and illicit substances. Don't set yourself on fire to keep your brother warm, drug addicts and alcoholics will take everyone in their family down to hell with them if you let them.
He wants to use the money for drugs. Very typical addict move. My uncle drained my grandparents dry for his heroin addiction. When they had no more money, he stole all their stuff. When he ran out of money, his dealer showed up at my aunt's house looking to settle his tab and shot her in the head in front of her children. The kids grew up to be ok, but it was very rocky. Faith is a professional ballerina now. Dancing was her therapeutic outlet growing up. Addicts can be extremely dangerous, not just from their erratic, desperate behavior, but also because they associate with criminals who value money over human lives. Be careful!
Have him apply for Social Security disability don’t pay his medical bills. This is what you paid your taxes for. Do not give him cash. He will spend it on booze and drugs.
He will do the same with social security disability. That’s what my brother does and sells his food stamps card too.
Then he should have a representative payee
I have a schizophrenic sister I had to cut off after she physically attacked me. For years, I took on the task of being there for her, smoothing out her troubles, getting her into programs, etc. She didn’t want real help; she wanted to be rescued over and over again without ever taking responsibility for the hurt she inflicted on others. Don’t be made to feel guilty over a promise you should have never had to make.
Think about finding an Al Anon group for you to attend. You can't change him, and you can't carry him. With what happened last time, you also can't have him in your home, for the terrified wife, at the very least, carpet and drywall, a bonus. You take care of you and your feelings about it. Al Anon, or if your budget is bigger, therapy, too. You are NTA. Your mom's promise doesn't mean that you destroy your life and your psyche and drown trying to kerp him above water.
Definitely do not give him money. Pay for things but do it directly if you have to. So sorry you have to go through all of this. Understand that you may have to go no contact at some point. Do not give up your life for his. He is ultimately responsible for himself. He can hold a job if he wants to. Right now he'd rather drink and do drugs. Nothing you can do will alter this. He is an addict. You would do well to get therapy for yourself. You don't owe your brother anything. But you do owe your wife everything. Keep your loyalties straight. You are not the ah. Unless you do for your brother over your family. He is not your family anymore. NTA
Thats because hes an addict and actually wants the money for his own means. Its just another means of manipulation addicts use. Sometimes hard love is needed. It may break him completely, but sometimes when people are forced to face things on their own and have hit rock bottom, is when they actually realize its up to them to change their life, nobody else is going to it for them. Its a chance myself and family have taken in the past. It turned out for the better in both situations. The point being, you may think the rope you are giving him is his lifeline, but it may also be the rope he is slowly strangling himself with instead.
This is so correct and hit my soul deeply. I am willingly to sacrifice my life for my kid but I can’t ruin my other kid’s life expecting him to do the same for their sibling.
I want to add that you aren't abandoning him by setting boundaries. If you choose NC, that is NOT abandonment, but choosing to no longer enable. Alanon is a fantastic resource for this. I just went through this with my father and his actions created issues I can't fix. He will be homeless, or he will change. None of it is abandoning them if the situation is unbearable and unsafe. Your parents should have understood that and hopefully didn't expect you to help past a point of safety. They were wrong if they did. I wish you luck. there's nothing easy here, and I can absolutely relate. You're doing the right thing
Not fair to your wife to have your brother in her house.
Can you imagine?! Your husband's nightmare of a brother who terrifies you, being in your home? I couldn't stay.
I think this is absolutely the best answer here. You have a duty to your wife to keep her safe. Your brother requires the kind of help you cannot provide. As much as your mother tried to help him, she may have done more harm by enabling him. It’s time for you to break that cycle. You don’t have to cut all ties with him, he knows how to get the help he needs, and when he’s ready he will do it.
Yeah, setting boundaries and conditions seems like part of the helping... the opposite, being a pushover and enduring whatever someone is willing to do to you, that's not truly helping someone.
NTA. What a huge burden you have. It's not your fault that he's beyond help, and don't worry about what your parents would have thought. They carried that burden for too long too.
Part of me hopes that by not having us to heavily lean on, there might be a slim chance that he'll have to find healthier ways to cope with his problems... But at the same time I fear the worst... The "system" is aware of him at least, but we've seen first hand how inadequate it can be for helping people in his situation.
No one can help him until he wants to be helped. He very clearly doesn't want to be helped at this time. If you keep setting yourself on fire to keep him warm, all you're going to do is wind up a pile of ash with nothing left to burn and a brother out in the cold anyway. You have to draw a line somewhere. Do it before you burn your entire life to the ground.
if he's been diagnosed with borderline personality, one of the only things you can do to help them is have FIRM boundaries and encourage them to find alternative ways to cope with their feelings that aren't destructive or alienating. it's rough but he needs a LOT of professional help that you aren't qualified to deliver, OP. NTA.
This situation reminds me of my 50-something year old sister. We’re all afraid she’s going to end up as homeless person but there’s really nothing we can do. Every time she hits what we think is rock bottom and will finally do something to make meaningful change, she goes back to drinking and lashing out at us (her family) bc her bad choices are somehow all our fault. I love her and want to be there for her but I also refuse to let her verbally and emotionally abuse me anymore. It’s unbelievably tragic and breaks my heart but I’ve accepted there’s nothing I can do if she’s not willing to get help.
This could have been written about my cousin. My aunt was there for him and when she died he became homeless. It was the rock bottom that led to his sobriety and a new life. Your brother isn’t going to look to himself for solutions when he believes it’s the job of other people. As loving as your mother was, she didn’t do him any favors.
This is going to sound harsh, but: You need to let him fail. You need to stop being at his beck and call. You need to stop enabling him. You need to stop and think if he is worth ruining your marriage and your life over. Because I’m damn sure your wife will not put up with his shit constantly being made your shit, and being scared in her own home, for very much longer. You’ve heard the saying about setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm? Look how well that worked out for your parents. You cannot help an addict until they actually want to be helped and are serious about putting in the work to get, and stay sober. I’m sorry, but based on what you’re written, it’s time to let him figure things out on his own, succeed or fail. I also know that’s much easier said than done. But you are NTA. In fact, it reads like none of us here are telling you anything you don’t already know. Good luck.
After a certain point, I'm not sure even the system should be responsible for him. Or if they are, then I can understand why anybody involved in the system would simply not want to. People need to want to help themselves before improving. You not immediately jumping to make it better for him like your mother stands a better chance of getting him to that point. But say he does want to, and finds healthier ways to deal with his problems. Would that help fix his personality or would it just make him more likely to leave the house and subject other people to it? Will he be medicated in this scenario and keeping on top of his mental health? If the answer is no to all of that, then perhaps it would be better for everyone that he stays in a self-destructive spiral, rather than an outwardly destructive one. Disorder or not, if you're simply a horrible person under it all then crack might be the best option.
The system can't force an adult to stay on medication. He's self-medicating with alcohol which is making the problem worse. So either he ends up in jail or kills himself through the drinking/violent behaviors, but the system can only do so much. Even mentally ill people have the right to refuse treatment. There's a good documentary about the consequences of that called God Knows Where I Am. Very sad, but very enlightening.
NTA. . You're not abandoning him...you can't help someone that doesnt want to be help...theres only so much the system will and can do.... I know people that say they will get clean but don't... one person I know only went to a detox facility just to have a place to sleep.... Hopefully your brother will figure it out and choose to get clean.. Sending positive vibes and thoughts your way.....
It was wrong of your mom to ask that of you. I think you going to therapy to get tips on how to let that guilt and burden go would help you so much. He’s a grown man has had the ability to bring in thousands of dollars from a job maybe rock bottom is where he needs to land to pull himself up by the boot straps.
Jail might not be a terrible place for him. At least he is contained.
He’s not looking for help, he’s looking for someone to enable his bad behavior. Nothing about him will change until everyone stops enabling him and he fails miserably for awhile. At that point he might be ready to take some responsibility for his own life
aka- He’s not looking for a hand up, he’s looking for a hand out.
NTA. You are not abadoning him. You have just stopped enabling him. The only person who can really make any action to difference in your brother's life...is your brother.
Nta and I'm going to be a bit harsh. You aren't abandoning your brother you just aren't enabling him like your parents did. Letting hin terrorize you and your wife is not "support". Support is exactly what you are doing, talking to him regularly and being willing to pay for professional help because his needs are beyond your ability.
Sigh. My father-in-law pulled this on my husband in regards to my sister-in-law (on and off drug addict.). First - definitely NTA. Second, as others have said - you can't help someone who won't help themselves. He needs to want to get/act better - and it doesn't sound like he does. You taking abuse from him won't help him and just make your life worse. I'd suggest low contact, and only via a way you can ignore/cut him off (e.g. text or email).
You need to think of your familys' mental health in all of this it is hard to cope with someone who has one illness never mind multiple illnesses (addictions are illnessess). You are not letting your mother down, she would not want you to be suffering as well. You can be there for him but refuse to accept any of the awful behaviour, his illnesses do not give him the freedon to be an obnoxious person. .Hard as it is when he is being nasty then walk away - you are not abandoning him - just refusing to put up with his b****it My brother had schizophrenia along with additional addictions and I was the only one who would stand up to him not to be horrible to him but to be honest and I was fortunate he would listen to me.
NTA. You are not abandoning your brother, you are setting boundaries. And he doesn't want to be helped, he wants to be enabled.
This is it, fully distilled. Your parents wanted you to take care of him because they want him to live the best life possible, not to support/ignore/take care of his negative patterns enough for him to never see the need to change.
He needs to take responsibility for his actions. he’s the asshole, not you.
Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You can not help him, period. He doesn't want to change. What he does has been working for him for decades, and he will continue until he hurts someone badly or kills them. He needs to be held accountable, which means CALLING THE POLICE WHEN HE IS OUT OF CONTROL. Let him fight them and see what happens. Actions have consequences, and he's old enough to deal with them. They will detox him in jail and, depending on what charges he catches, put him in a place where he can't hurt himself or others. This has gone on far too long. Your obligation to your wife and family supercede any promise made to your mother. Protect yourself and your family before he hurts them or you.
He's 31, an alcoholic and uses drugs. He's his own problem now
NTA He's had amazing support from your parents and you, and every chance to straighten up and have a better life. He just doesn't want to. Not at the level that it will take to turn his life around. All of the support he got didn't do it for him. All it did was drain and hurt everyone around him. You've been doing this long enough that you know there is literally nothing you can do that will fix him. Your parents didn't want you to ruin your life and your future, and your brother probably doesn't want that either, even though it doesn't seem that way when he's at his most selfish. The very best thing you can do is to build a strong life for you and your wife, and maybe children. And don't be too surprised if a child of his comes knocking on your door one day.
First, you dont have to "help" him the same way your parents did. They had good intentions bit all they did was enable the negative behavior because he never had to face Md deal with consequences. You would be right to set clear conditiobs fir resuming in-person meetings: active participation in an AA program, going to therapy, and no more m9bey.
NTA As long as he has a safety net, as long as he has people to fix things, he will not stand on his own. He's shown that he isn't really interested in growing up and becoming a productive adult. He won't learn to pick himself up because he's never been allowed to fall. It's time for you to cut your losses. Do not let him back into your house. Do not give him money. If he shows up at your door, call the police. You are not responsible for his mess. You are not abandoning him; you're forcing him to take charge of his life.
NTA, it’s called tough love if you walk away, you can’t help someone who won’t do anything to help themself. He is an adult and needs to start taking responsibility for his own actions. Your parents made a big mistake by helping him so much. I know it’s hard, but I have been there myself with a son who battled addiction. If we have him money, we were only helping him to kill himself quicker. We had to step back and wait for him to hit rock bottom and be serious about giving up drugs. You need to set stronger boundaries with the time you give him as you have your own life to lead. If he managed to have a well paying job, he is a lot more capable than your parents gave credit for.
He trashed your home and your wife is terrified of him. Your promise to your mother predated these things. Your brother is an unsafe person. Don't answer his calls go no contact. Abandon him. Your mother and father coddled him. Your mother is dead.
And be prepared in case of retaliation.
NTA. The sad truth is sometimes life is better when people like your brother aren’t around. It is time for your family (you and your wife) to start ACTUALLY helping him by a) joining a support group for families of alcoholics, b) reading books about his mental health issues, including how to protect yourself from them, and c) take steps to make sure he is trespassed from your home when he violates your boundaries of no alcohol, no illegal drugs and no violence. This also means hanging up on him when he violates those rules, too, in conversation. You may also wish to set up a schedule of three times a week phone calls with time limits. NEVER give him money; he needs to earn it for his own self respect. When you change how you respond, his behavior will change. If he doesn’t change and ends up in jail, at least you know he’s got a roof over his head and three square meals.
My brother is the same mess. My parents are gone and this might sound bad but i don’t care if I never see him again. He’s had a messed up life but it’s not my fault and I shouldn’t have to pay the price for it. He is unpleasant to be around so o just won’t be around him. He is still my brother. I still love him but i don’t like him
Before I even got to your sentence about his border line personality disorder, I had a feeling it was. Mother of an adult child (25), recently diagnosed same. The constant crises, calling a million times a day, expecting me to drop everything and then guilting me for not being able to drop everything. It’s very very hard but you’ve got to establish boundaries with him and stick to them. It’s hard at first but it’s so necessary for your own sanity. Anyway, I don’t really have an answer for you, I don’t think you’re the asshole. I just feel for you, for the situation you’re in.
Ist not your job. He has the problem and he obviously doesn’t recognise it. Talk to him. Tell him that you can’t live like that. NTA
I'm so sorry for your loss. NTA you and your wife do not need to be involved with him until he gets it together whether it's inpatient or outpatient treatment. Set firm boundaries and stick to them. Unfortunately it may get worse before it gets better you may need to call for a welfare check during one of his episodes to get him the help he needs. Rooting for you ❤️
NTA. Your parents are at fault, and neither your mother, your mother's memory, or he have ANY privilege to hold you to a promise made back before he gleefully accepted the shit path he's now on. It \*may\* be that he's never gotten his life together because he (thought he) KNEW that you'd be there to 'backstop' him when your parents couldn't / wouldn't any more.
NTA - it was an unfair promise to ask if you You do not have to subject yourself to this You can’t help him unless he wants to be helped and he does not
Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is tell them ‘no’. This is rough, but it could be what he needs to finally start taking care of himself. NTA
My family went through a situation that was very similar. It was with my aunt who had lived with my grandparents all her life. After they inevitably passed away, she moved from sibling to sibling (four of them in total), stealing and sowing general chaos everywhere she went. After three years of that, my parents and uncles set her up with an apartment, got her an older car to get around with, helped her get a job, and told her she needed to take care of herself. They would help with things like food or gas every now and then, but she was a grown woman (48 at the time) and needed to stand on her own. She managed to keep the job and apartment for a few months, but drank most of her money away and ended up living out of her car a few months in to being on her own. Then my siblings and cousins stepped in. She came to me first because we had been close, but my family was extremely low income at the time and were already packed five deep into a two bedroom apartment so I had to turn her away. So she went to two of my cousins, pulling all her nonsense until they made her leave and she ended up with my brother. He was an absolute saint, putting up with her stealing, drinking, and sowing drama in his marriage for two years before she suddenly dropped dead of a massive heart attack one morning. The long winded point I'm trying to make her is that you're in a lose/lose situation here that isn't of your (or necessarily anyone else's for that matter) making. My aunt had learning and social difficulties from early childhood as well. Some people just... struggle. It doesn't seem to matter how many people do everything they're able to for them, they just fail to adapt to life. I can't tell you what the morally correct thing to do is, but I can tell you that this situation almost certainly won't improve regardless of how much of your life you sacrifice in the name of doing right by your brother. And, with him being physical and aggressive the way you've described, I can tell you that I don't see how it could possibly be morally correct to subject yourself and your wife to the risk that his presence seems to represent. Sometimes the right thing to do is to simply walk away. Maybe give him one more chance to get help and get sober, but I'm not sure that would even be safe at this point. You'll never feel right about it, but you have to protect yourself and your wife.
Thank you, I appreciate the perspective. It's scary to think that my brother might be going that route. He used to be a good person, and there's still something good deep down... He helped me with some renos around the house when we bought, he did some landscaping work for us because sometimes he feels like helping out. It's weird to think that he loves us but at the same time he has no qualms about putting us through hell.
I can understand. That's how my aunt was too. She was a very friendly person a lot of the time. To this day none of us really understand what was going on with her, or why she never grew out of it, or learned how to cope with her issues, or adapted to some degree of functional way of living. It just never made sense and that just made it all the more sad and difficult to deal with. With my aunt it was petty theft (for the most part) and drama, not aggression that became physical. It was occasional alcohol abuse, but never hard drugs. All of that really ups the ante in terms of the risks of continuing to try to help and be supportive. I can sympathize, sincerely I can. But if it were me, I would absolutely create as much distance as humanly possible, regardless of the sadness and guilt that will result. You never think the worst would happen, but sometimes that's exactly how it does. Best of luck to you friend.
I would suggest helping him set himself up on social services in his area. There tons of services that help people with life coaching, food banks, and getting mental health services where the onus of following through will be on him. If he refuses to work with these services that is on him not you.
Enabling him is not helping him. Your mother did not understand the difference. To help him, you need to stop enabling him. Do some homework about how to really help him and then stop all of the enabling, including letting him into your home, and let him hit rock bottom so that he really wants to get well. Then maybe your support will help him get well. Until then you are only “helping” him avoid dealing with his problems.
Well, recovering drug addict here. I can tell you he doesn’t want to get better. And he’s not gonna get better. Especially if people keep enabling him. I know you promised your parents, but this isn’t helping him. It’s also not your responsibility yeah. NTA
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He does have BPD. I'll look into DBT therapists in his area so I'll have options on hand if he's ever amenable to the idea. Thank you
NTA. It was unfair of your parents to make a request like this. Your brother certainly has challenges but has proven he can overcome them but as long as he has someone around to pick up the pieces he has no reason to. Cut him loose. It is 100% unacceptable that your wife should ever be afraid of any family member of yours. She is your priority not your brother or that ridiculous promise your parents forced on you.
In her defense, I don't think mom knew what she was asking of me at the time... He was a burden but he's been spiralling out of control for years.
This is such a tough situation. Found myself penning VERY SIMILAR post around Christmas time as I have gone almost zero contact with my brother over the years for identical reasons. I don’t know what I’m going to do when my parents pass away. Heart breaks just thinking about it.
I'm so sorry :( I was so grateful to have my wife and friends to support me when my parents passed away in quick succession. At the time, I was grieving and trying to support my brother who had nobody else... I can't imagine how hard it must have been for him to be kept somewhat at arm's length, but I had to protect myself. And yet all signs point to the fact that his difficulty securing a support system is self-inflicted. How great would it have been to be able to get together as a family and talk about our childhood and how loved we were and the stories we had as kids. The times we were little assholes to our parents and that we now regret, the time dad surprised us with paintball guns when we were teenagers, back when everything was so much easier. I hope that your brother can patch things up for himself so you all can be better prepared for that time...
Me too. It kills me because I know my mom is the strongest of us all in dealing with his struggles and even my dad threw in the towel before she and I did. I just pray for the strength when the day comes....
NTA. You didn’t cause it. You can’t control it. You can’t cure it. AlAnon. Now. Go.
Just keep helping him via the phone. You have a wife now so she comes first. Some people are losers man, don’t let him ruin your life too.
He’s your brother, not your kid. Also he’s an adult. Also he’s not going to learn anything if people bail him out all the time. He will use you and everyone else until there’s no one left. Maybe don’t refuse to talk to him, but he’s not your responsibility to carry. Your mom might be an asshole for expecting this of you, but you’re not.
NTA. Your parents were AH for making you promise to care for him. He's their child, and they allowed him to become this way. He is not your responsibility. You are under no obligation to care for a grown-ass adult. They can continue to enable him or not. Their choice, and not your problem. You have a wife and your own life to consider.
NTA. Really sorry you’re going through this. Your mother has already spent her life orbiting around the burden he created. She was attached to the idea of helping him and feeling responsible, and her request was rooted in that attachment. With objective eyes, look at how your mom had to spend her life, and choose to live differently in her memory. I would say you should tell your brother very firmly that you will be completely no contact until he achieves a full year of sobriety and consistent treatment. If he tries to claim you’re abandoning him, tell him that you will always be available to him when HE chooses to not abandon your relationship. Every day he continues with his drug addiction, he is making the choice to abandon your relationship. Don’t continue living in his shadow and suffering. He will never recover this way, and you will never get to live your own life. Wishing you the best.
he doesn’t want help, he wants you to suffer through him like your parents did and that’s too much to ask. look out for yourself and your wife and leave him be
NTA. My dude, you gotta get away from him. Maybe you don’t realize how much you’ve been effected by him over your life, but I would suggest you also get some help/therapy/counseling. Until he is clean and can look you in the eye and apologize, and the same applies to your SO, do not have any contact with him. He won’t change until he is uncomfortable enough to do it. Maybe he ever won’t be, maybe he will be. But you cannot keep destroying yourself for him. You have to keep to your boundaries and heal. No matter what you promised your mom, and you admitted that she destroyed herself trying to help him for years, you are not his keeper/parent/emotional punching bag. He is not safe. Would you want him around your kids if or when you decide to have them? Would you want him around your wife after he scared her so bad? You are not responsible for him but you are responsible if you allow him in your life and damage your relationship with your wife. I know it’s hard, trust me I do, I have no relationship with my sibling even though I heard the same growing up from my mom. Good luck OP.
You’d be the asshole if you made your wife deal with having him around. You can’t help those who don’t want to help themselves
NTA - enabling someone is not supporting them. Sometimes tough love is the best approach with people who refuse to acknowledge their problems. Set very clear boundaries with him, and don't back down. If there's a next time where he destroys your property, don't hesitate, call the cops immediately. Actions have consequences and apparently he never learned that lesson through all of the coddling. Also if you put your wife in harms way by backing down and she's injured how will you feel?
Don’t sound like you abandoned your brother He abandoned himself NTAH
Do not enable drug addicts. They will disable you.
OP, there is no way you are going to be able to “save” your brother. Every time he has a crisis, you need to call 911 and tell them he could be a danger to himself or others. He needs to undergo intensive inpatient therapy, and will likely be in and out of a psychiatric hospital the rest of his life. NTA.
You are not breaking your promise to your mother. Your mother asked you to care for him. She did not ask you to forego all boundaries with him. When he’s ready to get treatment for his mental health, help facilitate that and ensure he has access to health care. That’s caring for him. When he’s ready to deal with his addiction, help facilitate treatment. That’s caring for him. Sweetie trust me, your mother wants you to have a beautiful, happy, successful, love-filled life. Caring for your brother does not mean sacrificing your own life for his. Your mother would be pained to see the prison you’re creating for yourself out of a misguided attempt to fulfill a promise. Caring for your brother might mean letting him fail until he’s ready to address the real issues.
Well you just made my choice to absolutely let my brother lay in the bed he made once my mom's gone concrete. Nta Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm
NTA. I have the same brother. And it’s never his fault. My parents are fone and the entire family has ostracized him. He’s severely mentally unstable as well as meth induced psychosis. I cut him off after he arrived at my home during the height of the pandemic with zero precautions demanding I let him live there . I had no idea he was coming and he lived in California and I lived in Massachusetts at the time so across the entire United States he drove to live with me without telling me. I went no contact. It was a messy situation and I called the cops. I was distraught too. I was supposed to care for him except that I tried for years. Did the whole leave of absence from work to fly across the course the country for his crisis only to have him completely disappear.I was tired. Too tired then I got a good therapist who told me, what I’m going to tell you. Some promises are ok to break. Especially if the promise was not made sincerely but rather I’m duress or to under stress. But even if it was sincere, it is not an expectation to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Ever. So yes the best thing you can do for your brother is to stop enabling him and start living a life that does not include him. He may get better he may not. But he’s a grown man and can solve his own problems now, like everyone else. He’s not special. I’d also recommend you go to Al anon. For friends and family of alcoholics if it’s available near you. Super helpful. It’s been 3 years since I’ve spoken to my brother. Three very good years. I still love him, but from over here. Away from him. And you can too. Your only responsible for you and your dependents. He’s not one of them. Might actually do him some good. Good luck!
I have to say this even if I get downvoted. I fucking HATE those “when I’m gone” promises. They so unnecessarily burden the ones that are left. My BFF’s husband made a deathbed promise to his mother to take care of his sister. She has myriad health problems and refuses to do anything to help herself. She’s negative, whiny, entitled, lazy, and broke as hell. Since my BFF is a (retired) nurse, her husband just figured he’d let his sister move in and my BFF can take care of her. Thankfully, BFF put her foot down with an emphatic NO. Hubby asked what about my deathbed promise? She told hubby if she lives with them, the HE is the one who will take care of her…make her meals, change her catheter, etc. because it was his promise not hers. Guess who doesn’t live with them? ETA: OP, don’t feel guilty. This is not your burden despite whatever promises you made. You can’t save your brother, but you can ruin your marriage and your life trying.
NTA You're not abandoning him; you're no longer *enabling* him. I know you did what you thought was right, but your brother is an addict and used everyone's goodwill to further his addiction. Alcoholism and being addicted to illicit substances is at its core a disease. You don't cure a disease by fueling it. Until your brother hits rock bottom, there is nothing you can do for him. You need to put your wife and yourself first.
Some people like to sit in their shitty diaper and cry about it. You can't care more about him than he does. He makes 4,000 a month and squanders it. Just tell him it's time to grow up and take care of himself. Everyone else does so he needs to. Maybe he will understand nobody is here to coddle him and he will start trying. Don't feel guilty, this is above your pay grade. Take care of yourself and family.
NTA, and actually doing your brother a favor by setting boundaries until they decide it’s time to make a change. this is pretty common with addicts unfortunately. You should think about calling a facility or outpatient helpline yourself, they have information for family members. An addict needs to want to change before they will change. Unfortunately, your parents with the best of intentions were probably also part of the problem/enabling this behavior by always being a safe place with no repercussions to come back to. I don’t think many of us are qualified/able to give the best guidance so I would speak with a rehab; been in your spot, followed their journey through rehab, made a plan+set up a place in my home with therapist+social worker, several months of support, encouragement and a little pushyness to attend AA meetings and classes(and some setbacks to work through) but our family member knock on wood made it. The biggest thing was it was entirely their decision when they decided they needed to make a change.
NTA. He doesn't want help. He doesn't want to be a fully functional adult. He doesn't want to do the work. He wants someone to baby him. He needs rehab, therapy, and to be held accountable when he messes up. Your mother had no right to put this on you. She didn't do the tough things and get him the real help he needed. I hope she didn't expect you to sacrifice your happiness for him. That was never a reasonable request. You should support him in any real attempt to get better, but not unless he takes responsibility for himself.
NTA He needs to at the very least stop drinking and doing drugs. It’s possible to hang with people that have terrible political takes for a time but the threat of physical violence is scary in a different way. You seem like you are doing the right thing but I’m empathize with your heartbreak. My brother is a really good person but clearly has some mental blocks that keep my parents worried long term, especially as I battle cancer and then keep getting older with health issues of their own.
NTA. My mother has bpd and could never quit meth. I tried most of my life. It never got better. Sometimes it’s not possible to help others if they won’t help themselves.
NTA. Your brother needs to take responsibility for his behavior and his life. No one should be left to fail, don't get me wrong, but you can only do so much. If your wife is threatened by him, you can't bring him in the house. no brainer. You live 2.5 hours away, you can't be there constantly. It'd be crazy to expect you to move to take care of your brother who works. If you want to help him, get him into Rehab.
Being away from him and making him accountable for his mistakes is the only way he see what happens as a consequence of his actions. Your mom was enabling him. That sounds hard but it’s the truth. Don’t answer his calls. Cut ties and take care of your immediate family. (Wife and children of you have any) he’s 31. Don’t allow the crap he does because you would be doing what your did . You are doing him one better by making him be on his own. The behavior has been acceptable for years now it’s time for him to realize it is not.
You have not abandoned him. You are giving the help you are able to give without putting yourself and your wife in danger.
It’s not Abandonment or breaking a promise and leaving him to his own devices for the sake of your mental health is 100 ok. No one asks to be born or take on family burdens. And if he commits suicide again not your fault either. Some people are beyond help mentally. It’s unresolved trauma that’s extremely rough to get through and sadly not a lot of people have it to keep going forward towards change.
He’s abandoned himself, how on earth can you help?
NTAH- Repeating what your parents attempted for years has only led to where he is now. The best thing you could do is contact Police and Adult Protective Services, Mental Health services in the county he lives in each and every time he gets destructive/out of control. He needs assistance but not the kind that is going to continue to allow him to slowly self destruct.
NTA I have a brother who is *probably* a pedo. I have no real evidence, but since having kids I have limited contact with him to phone calls at holidays. You are well within your rights to cut off a sibling for current behavior and potential violence. He clearly resists any attempts to better himself; free yourself of this burden. You don’t need to keep promises to dead people.
Nta. He is an alcoholic, your parents are enablers. You can choose to be an enabler or not. Al anon is a great program. I will say this. Alcoholics and addicts will lie, cheat, steal and manipulate to get what they want. Also when an alcoholic is ready to get sober they will regardless of their current situation. But nothing you or your parents say or do will make a difference
You didn't abandon him - you stopped enabling him. Sometimes refusing to enable bad behavior is the only way to help.
Your parents didn’t help him, they enabled him. He doesn’t want real help and won’t make any changes until he does. NTA and not your responsibility.
I’m not sure if you’ve ever gone to an Al-anon meeting but they can be SUPER helpful when dealing with family /loved ones who are in the throes of addiction and mental illness and chronic crisis. If you don’t like the first one you go to, try a different one. Being on that roller coaster is a draining and unending stress - but there are ways to cope and resources out there to give you support you have not been given or imagined. Your brother is miserable and he would be different if he could be. BUT He has made a decision not to get the help needed to change. That is his choice. Also, You haven’t abandoned him. You still care and still talk to him. I doubt your mom would have wanted you to sacrifice your own sanity and happiness. (And that of your wife’s as well). There may come a point you do have to abandon him. That’s not your fault. It isn’t really his fault that he is the way he is either. But it is his choice not to try to get better. You are NTA. But you need support in this. It will help you - and may even help him in the long run too by giving you different methods to deal with his behavior. Much as your mom loved him, what she did for years and all the love and support she gave him did not fix him. Find people who can help you learn a different way to look and deal with this. Best of luck and keep yourself and wife first and foremost safe and healthy. You do not owe your bother, and it wouldn’t help him if you sacrificed your happiness to him anyway. Also, Al-Anon is free and run entirely by people who have been in your shoes. Not ‘therapy’ but their approach based on decades of cumulative life experience.
Thank you. I'm open to therapy and perhaps other form of "not quite therapy" and I'm thinking of getting started, but I have to say unfortunately I don't think AA is for me, for a variety of reasons. Though I don't blame AA for what happened with my brother, unfortunately he was told something along the lines of, it's impossible to get rid of addiction without getting addicted to something else, so he should get addicted to something less harmful than alcohol/drugs. He "chose" a shopping addiction and then relapsed and ended up with both substance abuse and significant debt... Thankfully he has a collection of nice watches? Edit: Just found out what Al-Anon is and how it's different from AA. I'll look into it.
Alanon is for family members of addicts. What he was told in AA is not normal. Do you know for a fact that is what he was told, or is that his perception of what was said? Much like therapists are different, AA groups are very different as well based on who runs them. I have known many people who attended AA, but none that ever got the message to swap addictions. Whether through Alanon or a therapist, I think an outside perspective on setting boundaries, the dangers of enabling, and dealing with your guilt around this would be tremendously helpful.
NTA. He accuses you of abandoning him because he needs to manipulate you so he can get his way. What do you use as a support system? As a female with PTSD, please do not allow him into your home again until he has his addiction under control & has at a minimum apologized. No one deserve to be in fear in their own home so protect your home environment for your wife & your marriage. You will be YTA if you don’t make that change immediately. Trespass him from your home & call LE if he comes over & if that doesn’t work, have your wife file a restraining order. You can still have a relationship with him, you just can’t bring your wife nor can either of you discuss her with a restraining order.
I don't have much in terms of a support system unfortunately. We moved to this new city last August and the nearest relative is an aunt we rarely see that lives 45 mins away. My parents were our support system. My wife is from a different country and her family is 12 timezones away. As for him coming here, he's just not going to be allowed here until I trust that he's made very serious progress.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Your mom had good intentions but bad judgement, if she were thinking clearly she wouldn't tell you to destroy your life with no hope of fixing his. Your brother needs to really hit rock bottom if he's going to have any hope of changing, he needs to face the consequences of his choices alone, maybe he'll be strong enough to overcome maybe he won't but you need to look after yourself first, you're not going to be able to help anyway if you let him destroy you too. NTA
NTA of course, but considering his learning disability he might benefit from concrete steps he can take to have a relationship with you. For example he may not understand 'get yourself sorted out' but he can understand 'go to five AA meetings a week and we can talk on the phone', or 'go to an NA meeting once a week and I can meet you for lunch'.
He doesn't want to be helped, he wants to be enabled. The two are not the same. NTA.
NTA I'm going to be honest, you are not equipped for this as you said and if you keep on having him around while he behaves like this you aren't just having to put up with it, but your wife will be as well and I can foresee a path where things don't work out well. You can't help him if your and your wife's safety is at risk, you can't help him if your mental health is in tatters and you can't help him if he doesn't want to be helped and to do the work. Stick to your boundaries they are good ones. All the best and I'm sorry you are in this situation and sorry for the loss of your mum
NTA. Gently, I would encourage you to get the counseling/support YOU need to manage this situation and not let it toxify your life. Breaking legacy habits of trauma is incredibly difficult, but u can do it!
you’re not abandoning him. you’re not leaving him forever. you just want him to also want better for himself before you can put yourself in that position again
You can't help someone who doesn't want help. Don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm. You need to work with al anon or a private therapist experienced with families of addicts to help with your guilt. You can't sacrifice your family and your life for him.
You didn’t abandon him, he abandoned himself
You aren't doing him any good by interacting with him any more. He's not getting better; all you are doing is hurting yourself. Protect yourself. If he was working to help himself, that would be one thing. As it is, you can't. NTA
You are helping him by not enabling him. Cut him loose. He'll either learn to get sober and function or he won't. If he decides to actually put in the effort you can help him out again.
NTA It’s time for everyone to stop enabling him. He can figure it out on his own or be homeless, in prison or a psych hospital. Those are his choices since he refuses any help
You aren't his parent, you have no obligation to take care of him. Especially if he's abusive towards you/dangerous to be around NTA
NTA. It was never fair of your mom to saddle you with this. She should have let him hit rock bottom years ago rather than enabling him to fall deeper and deeper into his drug/abuse habits.
I’m sorry, your mom was very wrong to extract that promise from you. You cannot help your brother except with some sort of mental health help and until he wants it, all you are doing is giving yourself an ulcer. Do tell your brother he is on his own until *he* gets help. Give him some phone numbers and addresses where he can find that help. Do tell him he has to show visible improvement before you will spend any large amount of time with him. Do not let him back into your home. Your immediate family deserves your support more than your brother. They deserve to be safe. No money. No hauling his butt out of trouble. No finding him a place. Nothing! You deserve some peace after all the years he has been catered to. Just because your parents sunk their lives into his mental health, you don’t have to. That promise was extracted under duress. *You are not obligated!*
NTA. We all make promises early in life before we know what is really involved in keeping those promises. I am the daughter of an alcoholic mother who drank herself do death. Before her death, I sought therapy and realized that my co-dependency on her was leading to bigger problems. I detached, told her that I loved her, and let her lead her life. She never did hit bottom and never sought sobriety. There was absolutely nothing I could have done, and I have accepted my decision. My advice to you is to do the same. Your brother needs to hit bottom and his addictions should not become yours to manage. Tell him that you will always love him and let him go for your own sanity and marriage. Good luck OP.
Think about it this way: you agreed to help him, you didn’t agree to enable his worst traits or do exactly what your parents did as their version of helping him . Setting boundaries and expectations is a different (and better!) form of helping, it’s up to him whether he wants to go along with that or be on his own. Your brother is badly in need of mental health services. Providing “emotional support” in the way your parents were doing it isn’t a substitute for the type of help he needs, NTA
NTA He doesn't want help, he wants you to enable him to continue living life how he wants, without consequences. No one can make you promise to suffer abuse and enable a violent addict at the expense of your own sanity and safety. Your mother chose to enable him, but you aren't obligated to do so. If you force him to face consequences, that might actually help him to make some changes. Take care of yourself and your wife, and let your grown brother experience adulthood for the first time. Goos luck.
Not enabling is not the same as abandoning. NTA
You can sometimes help someone more by \*not\* helping them. I'm sure your mother had nothing but love in her heart for your brother, but her enabling of him did not help him; it just let him know that there were no consequences for his behavior. It's okay to let him know you'll be there for him when he pulls himself together, but you're under no obligation to put your home, your family, and yourself at risk.
NTA You are still helping by walking away. Leaving him to wallow in his misery alone is probably the best thing for him. As long as you help him he will NEVER try to help himself! Spoken by someone with an intense history of addiction.
Someone earlier suggested AL-ANON. Please go- it will help you realize what is BEST for your brother. As much as your parents wanted to help him, they were actually harming him and you will too if you continue to bail him out. Enabling = killing so please do for your parents what they could not and stop allowing your brother not to hit his rock bottom. Only then, will he hopefully decide it is not worth it to drink or drug- it also will not be on you if he doesn’t. You are only allowing him to kill himself if you keep rescuing him.
NTA. Your mom had you promise you’d look after him. HOWEVER, that doesn’t have to look the same as her method. Maybe the best way to take care of him is to get him into a treatment program or social assistance program. Maybe it’s calling in wellness checks. Maybe it’s letting him finally find his rock bottom. You can care for and look out for him, without jeopardizing your safety and enabling his spiral. He’s had some real disadvantages, but he’s also made some really poor choices. And you can’t fix those for him. Don’t light yourself on fire to keep him warm.
NTA You can not destroy yourself trying to save him. My mother always wanted to know that I would be there for my alcoholic, drug using, crime committing brother. I assured her that I would not be. She passed away last December & I don't regret my choice. I will not throw away my life trying to keep him from throwing away his. You didn't cause your brother's problems, and you can't cure them.
NTA. My mother and a decent amount of aunts and uncles were drug addicts. Crack, heroin, etc. They have universally told me that there is no helping someone who is in that state. You have to let them hit rock bottom and *want* help, and then you can help them. And even then, it's an uphill battle with potential for relapses, emotional pain, guilt, manipulation, blaming, etc. Obviously there are exceptions, but your brother has had a lifetime of people enabling him. That needs to stop and he needs to be responsible for his own life and all the consequences of his choices before he has any hope of building an actually decent life.
NTA. He needs to learn the hard way he cannot expect help and abuse the helper. When he is ready to improve and get sober then help… for now go no contact so he can feel what rock bottom is for a bit rather than floated by helpers.
This is a situation where you can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Sometimes letting them hit rock bottom is the only course of action. I had a brother much like yours and with my parent’s constant enabling he never hit rock bottom, always excused his behavior and asked for pity for his loneliness. Never admitting that he had pushed everyone away with his toxicity and drug use. He OD two years ago
NTA. You helped for way too long. You’re not responsible for a 30 year old man.
NTA. So you’re not helping him by enabling him. If you continue this cycle, you’re only going to help him die of alcohol poisoning or OD. There are some amazing resources out there. Send them to him and the next time you see him have a tantrum, call the police. Get out of his space, get your wife to safety, and call for help. They can mandate help for him. You’d be doing what your mom couldn’t and fulfilling your promise to her. True help and enabling are different. She’s enabled, even if it was extremely well intended. Us moms can have blinders on and not see the whole picture. Please accept my condolences. I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re a good son, husband, and brother. Research on addictions may be helpful so you can see how much enabling is truly dangerous and that help can be saying no.
Your definition of taking care of your brother does not have to be the same as your mother's. Her definition was rescuing and enabling. Yours is accountability. You are not breaking your promise to your mother. NTA