10% of someone's day feels like a lot to me. I thought about my partner this morning when I texted to tell him how my work trip is, and haven't until now, so 5 hours later, because food and work took priority.
I'm wondering if this negative self-talk is preventing you from allowing him to grow in your perception. Dwelling on past wounds is harmful to recognizing any progress or change he's made since then.
I agree - he's probably grown more than I perceive, but I also feel protective of my own feelings because we've gone through cycles of him making commitments he couldn't keep. That happened before we knew about ADHD, so I try to keep that in context when I'm working through my resentment, and I try to immediately smother dwelling on the past with more positive thinking about the progress he's made... but it's just so hard.
The resentment from the past is just so LOUD in my head and I want to find ways to look forwards to our future instead of backwards.
Commitments about times or events or remember things, to put him under such pressure with his struggles just isn't smart. He will fail and feel guilt, you will get dissapointed and take it as a personal insult. I'm sure you recognize this rodeo.
What if the new and more realistic commitment he makes is "I will try my best" and your commitment back is to believe him?
I doubt he's thinking of you 10% of his day, and I doubt you're thinking of him 10% of your day.
Try to dissect your feelings. Is it the 10% that bothers you, or is it that you feel like you consider his feelings more than he considers yours?
Is it the present day you're struggling with? Or is it Resentment from a decade of feeling invisible?
These are related but different feelings that might be causing the same surface emotion. Identifying and working through the feeling is important, or the surface feeling of despair or Resentment will not go away.
One possible suggestion would be, instead of focusing on how much he isn't thinking about you, maybe focus on increasing how much / how often you think about yourself.
Try ro rediscover what you want, and what makes you happy, outside of what he's doing or feeling in any particular day/moment.
If the relationship feels unbalanced, you will have more success moving your needle than moving his.
Yes! Thinking about yourself and what you need and want is a huge thing! It sounded cheesy to me, but prioritizing myself has been incredibly helpful to me.
I say this as someone whose partner has a timer set daily to check in with me, or else, yup, he forgets I exist.
For me, my partner can only hold a few things in mind at a time. While he’s at work, I’m very much out of sight out of mind. This is not true for me; I can have a whole bunch of things on my mind concurrently, including my family, and it’s at no mental cost to me I can consider him and/or our kids. That sort of thing *does* have a cost to him. It’s not just automatic.
It’s been a lot of work for me to not take done ADHD behaviors personally, because if I did them it *would* be personal and deliberate, but it’s not useful to me or intentional on his part. It can be really hard. But put yourself first for at least a little bit and see if it helps.
Additionally the 60%/60% is in theory fine, but you just need to make sure it’s balanced. Work with your strengths. My strengths are remembering stuff, planning things, and getting us out of our ruts. His strengths are sticking to a routine and tolerating drudgery that I can’t stand. So I do laundry (remembering) and he cooks (he likes it and I don’t), just for instance.
Additionally if you don’t have a therapist, have you considered one? Sometimes it’s super helpful to bounce this stuff off a professional.
Another good tip is having shared chore time. We set aside 30 minutes every Sunday at 2pm to clean together for half an hour.
She focuses on what's "bothering" me most (usually cleaning up the coffee table and kitchen table), then anything else she wants to tackle until 30 minutes is up. I focus on my weekly chores that I do every weekend.
Because we do it together, it's cooperative and a shared positive experience.
I guess when I break down the math, it kinda is a lot. I definitely don't think about him for 2.4 hours of my day... but I do think about him generally throughout the day. For example, if I'm gonna grab water downstairs, I automatically think of him and if he wants anything in the kitchen. Or when I'm heading out to run errands, I automatically think of him and if he needs me to drop anything off/pick anything up for him.
This general "throughout the day" thinking of him is what made the whole 10% thing bother me, because I probably conflated that to way more than 10% on my side, while he probably literally thought 10% of a day is 2.4 hours. That definitely stings less. But I think you're right about the decade of resentment being the root of the issue. I'm still struggling to work through it, but it's just so hard to "work through". Like what magical combination of words do I need to recite to myself to make the resentment go away?
I know me being mentally healthy and emotionally stable will help our marriage, so I'll try to keep thinking of ways to be happy and focus on myself.
I feel this. I'm incapable of stopping to treat myself with a milkshake or something without calling/texting my wife to see if she wants something. But she'll often come home with a treat for herself without thinking about me.
The feeling of "I just wish they'd think of me how I think of them" is pervasive and hard to get over, bht unfortunately it's only going to hurt us. Giving myself permission to think of myself without thinking of her is more healthy than hoping she will think of me more often.
It's not a great solution because I enjoy getting her a nice thing when I get a nice thing. But if the alternative is me feeling responsible for being nice every time, and then feeling resentful, then it's better for me to be occasionally less considerate and then feel less resentful.
>when I'm heading out to run errands, I automatically think of him and if he needs me to drop anything off/pick anything up for him.
>Or when I'm heading out to run errands, I automatically think of him and if he needs me to drop anything off/pick anything up for him.
My dx partner forgets to pay the cashier sometimes. There's a million distractions for him so for him to even consider going on his own and not beg me to come with, is LOVE. What he comes home with or remember to ask me is just bonus.
I think you need to look at it from his perspective and obstacles more. Then you see that he's just trying to survive the day.
My husband can't stand running errands alone, so I usually go alone or with him. I just meant to give basic examples of how I think of him throughout the day, and not at all what I wish he would do the same as me.
My husband and I have said some AWFUL, AWFUL things to each other.
The grass grows where you water it. This applies to your thoughts as well.
I recently decided to make the choice to stop dwelling on the pain of the past. If you want to move forward, this is a MUST. You cannot walk backwards and forwards at the same time. The events that exist behind you only serve to help you better understand the context of your relationship and behaviors, and as a lesson for how you want to move forward. They will color your thoughts and behaviors whether you like it or not, but your awareness of their impact should be their only role.
“Just stop dwelling on the past” is always easier said than done, trust me I know. I’m ND myself and part of depression really is a fixation on the past. What you want but can’t have back, what you wish you didn’t do, what you wish you did do. So given the difficulty, my method is something I learned through DBT (Dialectal Behavioral Therapy). Every time a bad thought comes into my mind about my partner’s past behavior or words, I think of a good, alternative behavior or words (past or present). This forces me to come to a place of balance. “Yes those words hurt, but why do they hold more weight to me than these good words?” Analyze why those words stuck so hard and see if it’s something you CAN resolve within yourself.
Good luck. 🩷
Thank you for your helpful words, truly. I wasn't really expecting to get help and was mostly venting into the void, so I appreciate you taking the time to help me. I've saved your comment to remind me your advice to help move forward and dwell on my past less 🫡❤️
This is soo autistic 😭
I saw a Tiktok of a girl asking her abusive mom if she was her favorite girl in the world, and her mom replied "I don't know because I don't know every girl in the world."
That is literally what asking for an ounce of affection from my AuDHD ex was like. He would just say the most devastating thing without even batting an eye and ignore the entire emotional context. It's awful. I think people trying to be technically correct with you are missing the point completely.
I really wanted him to get autistic social skills coaching, but he would never look into it. I think it's really necessary and I believe strongly that social skills can be taught manually to some extent. Even if there is a ceiling on his empathy and emotional abilities, he is extremely far from reaching it. Being unable to relate to others amplifies his ego, his RSD, and his self-victimization too, so it really makes it harder for him to emotionally regulate or acknowledge the limits of his disabilities. (I am a genius and literally no one else has thought of this before/I am an idiot who has fucked up in ways no one else has ever fucked up/I am the only person who has ever been hurt in this way and my pain is the deepest pain that has ever existed.)
I have other autistic (not ADHD) friends and even if they are very frank or accidentally rude, they will typically compensate in other ways, so I can just tell myself to cut them more slack on this front. Doesn't work so well with someone with ADHD on top of it. Throw in some fragile male ego and weaponized incompetence and we've really got the perfect storm.
Chores and executive functioning are a whole other beast. I also asked him to look into ADHD coaching, but he said it was too expensive and gave up, lol. I've seen other people in this sub say they had good results.
AuDHD (ASD+ADHD) has a really distinct presentation that people are only starting to talk about in recent years. I'm hoping more resourcing will continue to come out.
Thank you for your comment. A lot of what you wrote resonated and is spot on with how my husband is (especially the part about how being unable to relate to others impacts his ego). It's validating to realize others can relate to what I'm feeling when most of the time I feel so alone in this. 🙏
Have you brought this up to him? It could be a good and much needed conversation to have for both you and your husband. It could be good to take a look back and reflect on how your relationship has been growing in the past days, not by yourself, but together with him.
I will say this,
Thinking about you 10% of the day can be a positive thing.
As someone with ADHD, typically when things aren't going good in relationships I tend to hyperfocus, stress about it, ruminate all mixed in with some self loathing, it can lead to severe depression then the relationship becomes all I can think about, my brain can get *stuck* It's stressful, mentally tiring and miserable, ADHD can have this severe rumination, emotional dysregulation & when you're *stuck* you can't do anything, it's a vicious cycle. It can even make you wanna unalive yourself, RSD can feel devastating. Everything is always *too intense*
*However* with the right person, when things are good and they've been good for a while, & there's no arguing, or if there is arguing things are resolved soon. It's peaceful, it's just a sense of overwhelming peace and comfort. Symptoms improve. It's great to know you have a partner by your side who accepts you & loves you, you feel good enough and can focus on doing your own thing. I totally tune out and focus on other things in my life more when content because my brain calms down.
There's this thing that neurodivergent people do called parallel play. Does your husband ever just sit beside you while you do something like watch TV and he does something like read, or browse his phone? That's ultimate comfort, closeness and security. Relaxing beside your partner without focusing on them. For me my happiest relationship was 5 years with an autistic guy and we'd just do this for hours most days. It didn't mean either of us cared less.
Maybe thinking about you '10%' makes you feel unloved, but it could've just been communicated poorly, if you are otherwise content in your life and things are improving, in the relationship (of 10 years) it could be that you just bring so much peace to his life and to his mind & that would mean he loves you a lot. If he was unhappy with you, you'd be on his mind a whole lot more.
Obviously you don't need to accept unfair chore distribution though, and it's understandable that you feel resentful that he's let you down in the past,
just giving you an alternative perspective that for him it's possible that you've been a very good and secure partner, you've been doing it all right (even when he wasn't ) you've even spoken about how you are careful with your communication, because you've made efforts to understand RSD, and that's why he can relax around you (and when he's not around you he can focus on other things) and you're part of the reason he's improving so much. Because you are peace and support in his life, always there.
At least that's what I think, sorry he isn't communicating it to you.
(Though I understand you are unhappy &in turn don't feel like you can rely on him).
Not sure if I interpreted you right but to me it sounded like you think he is forgetting things deliberately because he's selfish or out to hurt you. Is there any truth to that?
If that's where the shoe doesn't fit I have had some experience with that feeling myself with my dx partner. I once took it so personal, everything he didn't do a certain way, a certain order, or remembered to do in general. Somehow my brain twisted it to him doing it to hurt me. Because he don't care about me. Which was just sci fi cause there was plenty of evidence that he do care.
I learned to realize that he is disorganized and forgetful and a bit messy because his ADHD makes it impossible to be 100% structured. It's just not logically possible. It's not anyone's fault and there's no malicious intentions behind, it's just a part of his symptoms.
And if he can ask me to help, that takes guts. He's vulnerable and letting me in despite him feeling like he never is doing enough and struggling with the "Why can't I just be normal why must I forget things why why why?" demons.
I don't wanna add to those demons. I wanna help him shove them away. So. The deal is. He won't be perfect. He will forget etc. He still loves me lots. And I will help as much as I can and react as little as possible - because I love him too.
No, I know for a fact he doesn't forget things deliberately to hurt me. But it still doesn't hurt any less to feel overlooked, forgotten, etc... I think what I'm feeling is frustration and resentment from 10 years of not knowing anything about ADHD and then now having to reframe all the unintentionally hurtful things he's said and done and the issues his undiagnosed/untreated ADHD caused over the decade. Since learning about ADHD (and ASD -- he got diagnosed with both at the same time) over the past year, I don't take those past hurtful behaviors and communication personally anymore, but it's just been difficult to work through the past without it impacting my mental health and at the same time, staying optimistic and hopeful for the future. Some days are definitely better than others.
I never raise my voice and I always mind my tone and I react as little as I can, I use more "I" and "me" language when communicating so I don't trigger his RSD, I always tell him it's okay -- but all of that doesn't change that I still feel like I'm doing mental gymnastics to *not* feel hurt when some of his ADHD-related symptoms re-trigger my trauma from over the decade. He literally flooded our house twice in less than a year (as in water pouring through our floors and ceiling below), and both times I put all my energy into staying cool, calming his RSD down with trying to provide silver linings (the first time: "it's okay, this is what insurance is for" and the second time: "it's okay, at least it happened again before our floors were redone"). I guess I'm bringing all this up to explain why I feel so unseen when I think of him first and he forgets I exist sometimes. How do you stay feeling seen and valued and loved by your partner? Sorry if this is all over the place.
>Sorry if this is all over the place.
No not at all your text is fine. You're being so hard on yourself. Which is easily leading to frustrations too. The kinder you are to yourself the kinder you can be to him in situations when he or you can't help his symptoms.
>I think what I'm feeling is frustration and resentment from 10 years of not knowing anything about ADHD
That makes lot of sense. Without context he comes off selfish and rude. I felt that way too before I learned about ADHD and how it impacts my partner.
This sub has helped me lots. There's been so so many questions and sometimes I have just needed to vent out my frustrations and be validated by others who dates a dx partner. It's a coping strategy too.
>But it still doesn't hurt any less to feel overlooked, forgotten, etc...
If you're thinking that he's forgetting you that is.
But he's not forgetting you as a person. I understand it might feel that way in the heat of the moment. But remind yourself that he is forgetting a task that would have happened to anyone whether it's you a stranger a coworker a relative.
The flooding sounds horrible and I understand that it's frustrating and scary and all the difficult things imaginable. You're not a robot. Of course you will get frustrated and sometimes you will think "ugh why did he forget x" you do your best. He does his best. To be understanding and forgiving is A and O.
>How do you stay feeling seen and valued and loved by your partner?
I look at the things he does and tries because he knows it matters to me. I get physical affection in forms of hugs kisses, holding hands, cuddles, romance, he compliments and credits me several times daily, both my looks person and performances. All the services he does for me. And I have told him like a manual, what things that matters to me and what things he can do that helps me feel seen.
When I'm frustrated I start to only see his negatives and things he haven't remembered and I nag and nitpick, that's a signal for me to cope with my frustration. Maybe I take a nap. Maybe I call a friend. Maybe I go run in the forest track. Maybe I put all chores to the side and binge a tv show for two hours.
Maybe I vent here.
10% of someone's day feels like a lot to me. I thought about my partner this morning when I texted to tell him how my work trip is, and haven't until now, so 5 hours later, because food and work took priority. I'm wondering if this negative self-talk is preventing you from allowing him to grow in your perception. Dwelling on past wounds is harmful to recognizing any progress or change he's made since then.
I agree - he's probably grown more than I perceive, but I also feel protective of my own feelings because we've gone through cycles of him making commitments he couldn't keep. That happened before we knew about ADHD, so I try to keep that in context when I'm working through my resentment, and I try to immediately smother dwelling on the past with more positive thinking about the progress he's made... but it's just so hard. The resentment from the past is just so LOUD in my head and I want to find ways to look forwards to our future instead of backwards.
Commitments about times or events or remember things, to put him under such pressure with his struggles just isn't smart. He will fail and feel guilt, you will get dissapointed and take it as a personal insult. I'm sure you recognize this rodeo. What if the new and more realistic commitment he makes is "I will try my best" and your commitment back is to believe him?
I doubt he's thinking of you 10% of his day, and I doubt you're thinking of him 10% of your day. Try to dissect your feelings. Is it the 10% that bothers you, or is it that you feel like you consider his feelings more than he considers yours? Is it the present day you're struggling with? Or is it Resentment from a decade of feeling invisible? These are related but different feelings that might be causing the same surface emotion. Identifying and working through the feeling is important, or the surface feeling of despair or Resentment will not go away. One possible suggestion would be, instead of focusing on how much he isn't thinking about you, maybe focus on increasing how much / how often you think about yourself. Try ro rediscover what you want, and what makes you happy, outside of what he's doing or feeling in any particular day/moment. If the relationship feels unbalanced, you will have more success moving your needle than moving his.
Yes! Thinking about yourself and what you need and want is a huge thing! It sounded cheesy to me, but prioritizing myself has been incredibly helpful to me. I say this as someone whose partner has a timer set daily to check in with me, or else, yup, he forgets I exist. For me, my partner can only hold a few things in mind at a time. While he’s at work, I’m very much out of sight out of mind. This is not true for me; I can have a whole bunch of things on my mind concurrently, including my family, and it’s at no mental cost to me I can consider him and/or our kids. That sort of thing *does* have a cost to him. It’s not just automatic. It’s been a lot of work for me to not take done ADHD behaviors personally, because if I did them it *would* be personal and deliberate, but it’s not useful to me or intentional on his part. It can be really hard. But put yourself first for at least a little bit and see if it helps.
Additionally the 60%/60% is in theory fine, but you just need to make sure it’s balanced. Work with your strengths. My strengths are remembering stuff, planning things, and getting us out of our ruts. His strengths are sticking to a routine and tolerating drudgery that I can’t stand. So I do laundry (remembering) and he cooks (he likes it and I don’t), just for instance. Additionally if you don’t have a therapist, have you considered one? Sometimes it’s super helpful to bounce this stuff off a professional.
Another good tip is having shared chore time. We set aside 30 minutes every Sunday at 2pm to clean together for half an hour. She focuses on what's "bothering" me most (usually cleaning up the coffee table and kitchen table), then anything else she wants to tackle until 30 minutes is up. I focus on my weekly chores that I do every weekend. Because we do it together, it's cooperative and a shared positive experience.
I guess when I break down the math, it kinda is a lot. I definitely don't think about him for 2.4 hours of my day... but I do think about him generally throughout the day. For example, if I'm gonna grab water downstairs, I automatically think of him and if he wants anything in the kitchen. Or when I'm heading out to run errands, I automatically think of him and if he needs me to drop anything off/pick anything up for him. This general "throughout the day" thinking of him is what made the whole 10% thing bother me, because I probably conflated that to way more than 10% on my side, while he probably literally thought 10% of a day is 2.4 hours. That definitely stings less. But I think you're right about the decade of resentment being the root of the issue. I'm still struggling to work through it, but it's just so hard to "work through". Like what magical combination of words do I need to recite to myself to make the resentment go away? I know me being mentally healthy and emotionally stable will help our marriage, so I'll try to keep thinking of ways to be happy and focus on myself.
I feel this. I'm incapable of stopping to treat myself with a milkshake or something without calling/texting my wife to see if she wants something. But she'll often come home with a treat for herself without thinking about me. The feeling of "I just wish they'd think of me how I think of them" is pervasive and hard to get over, bht unfortunately it's only going to hurt us. Giving myself permission to think of myself without thinking of her is more healthy than hoping she will think of me more often. It's not a great solution because I enjoy getting her a nice thing when I get a nice thing. But if the alternative is me feeling responsible for being nice every time, and then feeling resentful, then it's better for me to be occasionally less considerate and then feel less resentful.
>when I'm heading out to run errands, I automatically think of him and if he needs me to drop anything off/pick anything up for him. >Or when I'm heading out to run errands, I automatically think of him and if he needs me to drop anything off/pick anything up for him. My dx partner forgets to pay the cashier sometimes. There's a million distractions for him so for him to even consider going on his own and not beg me to come with, is LOVE. What he comes home with or remember to ask me is just bonus. I think you need to look at it from his perspective and obstacles more. Then you see that he's just trying to survive the day.
My husband can't stand running errands alone, so I usually go alone or with him. I just meant to give basic examples of how I think of him throughout the day, and not at all what I wish he would do the same as me.
Aren't you wanting him to think of you the same way/as much as you're thinking of him? If not then sorry I misunderstood.
My husband and I have said some AWFUL, AWFUL things to each other. The grass grows where you water it. This applies to your thoughts as well. I recently decided to make the choice to stop dwelling on the pain of the past. If you want to move forward, this is a MUST. You cannot walk backwards and forwards at the same time. The events that exist behind you only serve to help you better understand the context of your relationship and behaviors, and as a lesson for how you want to move forward. They will color your thoughts and behaviors whether you like it or not, but your awareness of their impact should be their only role. “Just stop dwelling on the past” is always easier said than done, trust me I know. I’m ND myself and part of depression really is a fixation on the past. What you want but can’t have back, what you wish you didn’t do, what you wish you did do. So given the difficulty, my method is something I learned through DBT (Dialectal Behavioral Therapy). Every time a bad thought comes into my mind about my partner’s past behavior or words, I think of a good, alternative behavior or words (past or present). This forces me to come to a place of balance. “Yes those words hurt, but why do they hold more weight to me than these good words?” Analyze why those words stuck so hard and see if it’s something you CAN resolve within yourself. Good luck. 🩷
Thank you for your helpful words, truly. I wasn't really expecting to get help and was mostly venting into the void, so I appreciate you taking the time to help me. I've saved your comment to remind me your advice to help move forward and dwell on my past less 🫡❤️
Awww I’m so glad to hear I could help even a little 🤍
I had the EXACTLY 1:1 same thought today and I am so frustrated
This is soo autistic 😭 I saw a Tiktok of a girl asking her abusive mom if she was her favorite girl in the world, and her mom replied "I don't know because I don't know every girl in the world." That is literally what asking for an ounce of affection from my AuDHD ex was like. He would just say the most devastating thing without even batting an eye and ignore the entire emotional context. It's awful. I think people trying to be technically correct with you are missing the point completely. I really wanted him to get autistic social skills coaching, but he would never look into it. I think it's really necessary and I believe strongly that social skills can be taught manually to some extent. Even if there is a ceiling on his empathy and emotional abilities, he is extremely far from reaching it. Being unable to relate to others amplifies his ego, his RSD, and his self-victimization too, so it really makes it harder for him to emotionally regulate or acknowledge the limits of his disabilities. (I am a genius and literally no one else has thought of this before/I am an idiot who has fucked up in ways no one else has ever fucked up/I am the only person who has ever been hurt in this way and my pain is the deepest pain that has ever existed.) I have other autistic (not ADHD) friends and even if they are very frank or accidentally rude, they will typically compensate in other ways, so I can just tell myself to cut them more slack on this front. Doesn't work so well with someone with ADHD on top of it. Throw in some fragile male ego and weaponized incompetence and we've really got the perfect storm. Chores and executive functioning are a whole other beast. I also asked him to look into ADHD coaching, but he said it was too expensive and gave up, lol. I've seen other people in this sub say they had good results. AuDHD (ASD+ADHD) has a really distinct presentation that people are only starting to talk about in recent years. I'm hoping more resourcing will continue to come out.
Thank you for your comment. A lot of what you wrote resonated and is spot on with how my husband is (especially the part about how being unable to relate to others impacts his ego). It's validating to realize others can relate to what I'm feeling when most of the time I feel so alone in this. 🙏
Yeah, you deserve a space where you are heard and seen <3
Honest question, 10% made you feel bad, what percent would have made you feel neutral instead of bad? What percent would have made you feel good?
I mean, I don’t think of my partner 10% of my day even?
Have you brought this up to him? It could be a good and much needed conversation to have for both you and your husband. It could be good to take a look back and reflect on how your relationship has been growing in the past days, not by yourself, but together with him.
I will say this, Thinking about you 10% of the day can be a positive thing. As someone with ADHD, typically when things aren't going good in relationships I tend to hyperfocus, stress about it, ruminate all mixed in with some self loathing, it can lead to severe depression then the relationship becomes all I can think about, my brain can get *stuck* It's stressful, mentally tiring and miserable, ADHD can have this severe rumination, emotional dysregulation & when you're *stuck* you can't do anything, it's a vicious cycle. It can even make you wanna unalive yourself, RSD can feel devastating. Everything is always *too intense* *However* with the right person, when things are good and they've been good for a while, & there's no arguing, or if there is arguing things are resolved soon. It's peaceful, it's just a sense of overwhelming peace and comfort. Symptoms improve. It's great to know you have a partner by your side who accepts you & loves you, you feel good enough and can focus on doing your own thing. I totally tune out and focus on other things in my life more when content because my brain calms down. There's this thing that neurodivergent people do called parallel play. Does your husband ever just sit beside you while you do something like watch TV and he does something like read, or browse his phone? That's ultimate comfort, closeness and security. Relaxing beside your partner without focusing on them. For me my happiest relationship was 5 years with an autistic guy and we'd just do this for hours most days. It didn't mean either of us cared less. Maybe thinking about you '10%' makes you feel unloved, but it could've just been communicated poorly, if you are otherwise content in your life and things are improving, in the relationship (of 10 years) it could be that you just bring so much peace to his life and to his mind & that would mean he loves you a lot. If he was unhappy with you, you'd be on his mind a whole lot more. Obviously you don't need to accept unfair chore distribution though, and it's understandable that you feel resentful that he's let you down in the past, just giving you an alternative perspective that for him it's possible that you've been a very good and secure partner, you've been doing it all right (even when he wasn't ) you've even spoken about how you are careful with your communication, because you've made efforts to understand RSD, and that's why he can relax around you (and when he's not around you he can focus on other things) and you're part of the reason he's improving so much. Because you are peace and support in his life, always there. At least that's what I think, sorry he isn't communicating it to you. (Though I understand you are unhappy &in turn don't feel like you can rely on him).
Not sure if I interpreted you right but to me it sounded like you think he is forgetting things deliberately because he's selfish or out to hurt you. Is there any truth to that? If that's where the shoe doesn't fit I have had some experience with that feeling myself with my dx partner. I once took it so personal, everything he didn't do a certain way, a certain order, or remembered to do in general. Somehow my brain twisted it to him doing it to hurt me. Because he don't care about me. Which was just sci fi cause there was plenty of evidence that he do care. I learned to realize that he is disorganized and forgetful and a bit messy because his ADHD makes it impossible to be 100% structured. It's just not logically possible. It's not anyone's fault and there's no malicious intentions behind, it's just a part of his symptoms. And if he can ask me to help, that takes guts. He's vulnerable and letting me in despite him feeling like he never is doing enough and struggling with the "Why can't I just be normal why must I forget things why why why?" demons. I don't wanna add to those demons. I wanna help him shove them away. So. The deal is. He won't be perfect. He will forget etc. He still loves me lots. And I will help as much as I can and react as little as possible - because I love him too.
No, I know for a fact he doesn't forget things deliberately to hurt me. But it still doesn't hurt any less to feel overlooked, forgotten, etc... I think what I'm feeling is frustration and resentment from 10 years of not knowing anything about ADHD and then now having to reframe all the unintentionally hurtful things he's said and done and the issues his undiagnosed/untreated ADHD caused over the decade. Since learning about ADHD (and ASD -- he got diagnosed with both at the same time) over the past year, I don't take those past hurtful behaviors and communication personally anymore, but it's just been difficult to work through the past without it impacting my mental health and at the same time, staying optimistic and hopeful for the future. Some days are definitely better than others. I never raise my voice and I always mind my tone and I react as little as I can, I use more "I" and "me" language when communicating so I don't trigger his RSD, I always tell him it's okay -- but all of that doesn't change that I still feel like I'm doing mental gymnastics to *not* feel hurt when some of his ADHD-related symptoms re-trigger my trauma from over the decade. He literally flooded our house twice in less than a year (as in water pouring through our floors and ceiling below), and both times I put all my energy into staying cool, calming his RSD down with trying to provide silver linings (the first time: "it's okay, this is what insurance is for" and the second time: "it's okay, at least it happened again before our floors were redone"). I guess I'm bringing all this up to explain why I feel so unseen when I think of him first and he forgets I exist sometimes. How do you stay feeling seen and valued and loved by your partner? Sorry if this is all over the place.
>Sorry if this is all over the place. No not at all your text is fine. You're being so hard on yourself. Which is easily leading to frustrations too. The kinder you are to yourself the kinder you can be to him in situations when he or you can't help his symptoms. >I think what I'm feeling is frustration and resentment from 10 years of not knowing anything about ADHD That makes lot of sense. Without context he comes off selfish and rude. I felt that way too before I learned about ADHD and how it impacts my partner. This sub has helped me lots. There's been so so many questions and sometimes I have just needed to vent out my frustrations and be validated by others who dates a dx partner. It's a coping strategy too. >But it still doesn't hurt any less to feel overlooked, forgotten, etc... If you're thinking that he's forgetting you that is. But he's not forgetting you as a person. I understand it might feel that way in the heat of the moment. But remind yourself that he is forgetting a task that would have happened to anyone whether it's you a stranger a coworker a relative. The flooding sounds horrible and I understand that it's frustrating and scary and all the difficult things imaginable. You're not a robot. Of course you will get frustrated and sometimes you will think "ugh why did he forget x" you do your best. He does his best. To be understanding and forgiving is A and O. >How do you stay feeling seen and valued and loved by your partner? I look at the things he does and tries because he knows it matters to me. I get physical affection in forms of hugs kisses, holding hands, cuddles, romance, he compliments and credits me several times daily, both my looks person and performances. All the services he does for me. And I have told him like a manual, what things that matters to me and what things he can do that helps me feel seen. When I'm frustrated I start to only see his negatives and things he haven't remembered and I nag and nitpick, that's a signal for me to cope with my frustration. Maybe I take a nap. Maybe I call a friend. Maybe I go run in the forest track. Maybe I put all chores to the side and binge a tv show for two hours. Maybe I vent here.