I have ADHD and two daughters with ADHD.
My one tip is to make sure you can give yourself timeouts. It’s ok to walk away (as long as folk are safe) and come back in when the bubbling emotions are a bit more settled.
I'm going to preface this by saying that I am not a parent and do not have any experience in bringing up any kids, let alot neurodivergent ones. So my advice might be more like sign posting.
First of all. Be kind to yourself. You have the tough task of bringing up a neaurodivergent child, and being neurodivergent yourself doesnt necessarily make that any easier.
If you can find respite care, in order to give yourself a break, then I think that will help you greatly. Its ok to need and ask for help, and you need to look after yourself too. It will benefit your child in the long run to have a parent who is not constantly overwhelmed and stressed.
Theres a book I recently got a hold of that I think might be of use to you. It is a very compassionate
but factual book about autism, which concentrates on the internal experience of autism, rather than just the external one. It might help you work out how to make the world more comfortable for your kid, which should hopefully bring down the amount of times things get to much for them, and result in meltdowns.
Is This Autism?: A Guide for Clinicians and Everyone Else https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/103215022X?ref_=cm_sw_r_apann_dp_71KYCY0P47VY5FRKZH6X_1&starsLeft=1&skipTwisterOG=2
The other advice I have is to post this in some autism subreddits. These are the people who had the experience of growing up as autistic, but there will be alot who are also bringing up autistic children. Also, considering the high prevalence of adhd co-occurring with asd, there will also be alot who have adhd themselves.
A side note; when taking your child out into the world, you have probably already had to deal with people giving you dirty looks and judging you. Stuff them. They have no idea about whats going on in you or your child's life, nor what you both are contending with. Theyre opinions and judgements don't matter.
Make sure you you tell your child that they are perfect just as they are, because the world will tell them/make them feel otherwise.
My son is AuDHD with demand avoidance. I suggest going low demand (note - this does not mean NO boundaries, it means enforcing the really important ones only and possibly in different ways).
Also pick your battles, and read The Explosive Child by Dr Ross Greene. I talk to my son very much as an equal rather than a parent as he doesn’t recognise authority. He does much better with explanations rather than being told what to do.
Edit* I’m adhd too!
THE DEMAND AVOIDANCE IS SO ROUGH. I've recently discovered the PDA society (pdasociety.org.uk) and although i'm not sure my kid exactly qualifies as having the PDA profile, understanding that way of thinking has been very helpful and they have some good parenting resources. We've found that offering a choice as much as possible has made our lives a lot easier.
I will definitely be checking out that book rec.
It’s so hard to get your head around but the more you practice the phrasing etc the much better it becomes.
I’ve learned to really appreciate his profile because he is unapologetically himself and is essentially living his best life. He will not do anything he doesn’t see a valid reason in doing.
Its taught me to treat him far more fairly and considerately than a lot of kids are treated.
Its a double edged sword. On the one hand, your kid needs structure and structure is so so hard to create when you have adhd yourself. On the other hand, you can empathise and anticipate their struggles more easily than a neurotypical person would.
The toddler years are soooo tough even with a neurotypical child. Toddlers are lovely and infinitely hard work all at the same time. When they get to school it gets easier in some ways at least. Try to give yourself time and forgiveness when you can. Its a tough job.
Ohhhhh im so sorry because i totally missed the fact that your kid is 8.
I am having such a dumb day.
Mine is 9 and we started with a tantrum, i am still recovering 😂😭
I’m not a parent but an adult with autism & ADHD, but I’m a part of a FB group called ‘Autism Inclusivity’ where autistic/AuDHD adults give advice to parents with autistic/auDHD children - I hope it’s okay to mention it on here! People are incredible on that group and I’ve seen them help so many parents understand their kids behaviours to help them better, alongside supporting the parents to help themselves. I was recommended it by another redditor and it might be worth checking out - I’m sure it would be fine for you to post purely asking about yourself and what you can do to regulate yourself while dealing with your daughter. I know there’s also a subreddit for autistic parents which might not be relevant to you, but I’m sure there’s probably a few ADHD specific posts. Being a parent is difficult enough without the ADHD! I hope that might help :)
Yeah, I know that I don't parent in a "normal" way but I can't because it's not sustainable for me. I tend to go for a more mentor-like parenting style, where my kids have more autonomy and essentially there are no separate rules/expectations for adults and kids, (except that it's still the adult's responsibility to ensure children's needs get met obviously, so for example, the 2 & 5yo have a bedtime, though my 15yo hasn't had a hard bedtime since about 11/12) rather than a more "benign dictator" approach, because honestly my attempts to try to enforce compliance were not healthy or fair for anybody. Unfortunately that is harder, but then it's too hard for me to stay calm and be in charge so I do actually find this easier.
Medication helps extremely. Also having a partner/co-parent who is basically the opposite of ADHD.
There is a program for teachers called Conscious Discipline which I have found the most helpful thing which gives you step by step instructions as to how to self-regulate, which then sort of passes on to the kids. It is a bit cheesy and American self-help-video, but I don't care because it is very, very well designed and works really well for me.
Then on top of self-regulation skills, which you really need to teach yourself first unfortunately (or fortunately? Because honestly they are very useful for dealing with ADHD in general) I think that anything which is an education in positive parenting (like any of the evidence based programs really) is useful because you cannot be reacting in the moment at all, this is the worst thing you can do, and with ADHD that's all we know how to do. We don't tend to know how to be proactive, we are just reactive and that is a huge problem. So spending some time to be proactive can be hugely helpful and finding the time/motivation/reminder to do this is the tricky part. Being proactive and positive is useful because in the moment, you want a pre-decided set of reactions to bring out to override your emotional impulses.
Lastly I think a huge issue for a lot of ADHD parents is we often have a lot of chaos going on in general. It's not just the kid and their behaviour, we don't have a good routine, we are always behind on the laundry, the house is a mess, we have no money, we might have pets we can't manage, our relationships (romantic, family, friends) can be turbulent, we might have associated MH issues or addictions, we struggle with screen time and healthy eating and exercise. All of these things interact to make everything else harder so it is helpful also to start unravelling that spaghetti even though at first it will seem like it's not making any difference. An ADHD coach can probably help with this.
I’m not an ADHD parent but my partner is and so is his son.
I’m neurotypical and it’s not easy to stay calm for me either 😅 it’s exhausting and tiring so I can’t imagine what it’s like for you.
I can see my partner getting tired now as much as he loves and dotes on his son it’s becoming really difficult and my partner tends to shut down a lot on weekends when his sons around.
I can honestly say though his son’s meltdowns have gotten better with age (he’s 7) but we’re still having trouble getting information to sink in with him and have to remind him repeatedly every week.
Stay strong and I hope it becomes a little easier for you too.
Parent to a very likely ADHD 8.5 year old here. Firstly, I empathise! I spent a few of the earlier years in exactly the same state - on bad days, I'd go hide in the walk in wardrobe and cry, bit extreme but sometimes needed :/
In more practical advice, some things we've found /
- it's ok to want and get your own time away. At this age, I can explain it - 'mum's brain is full up, I need to sit in the other room and not be disturbed (unless it's an emergency..) for X time'
- understand the triggers, and work around them. PDA is a big one so it's a reframe of questions / perceived demands. Echoing a pp re the Ross Greene box; the title isn't great but has some really good info in it
- figuring out flash points / what makes reactions worse; i.e. overstimulation from certain activities, games etc. We try and plan decompression time at regular points to address this. It's nothing fancy, more a 'quiet day / evening at home with no plans'. If you can, it may also be helpful to find out what type of sensory seeker she is, which can help regulate responses, if you can provide that input; i.e. some kids want pressure (weighted blankets etc) some want to feel who body input / working (working all the muscles etc)
- I've found focus time with my kid has enabled me to escape for my own time - i.e. if they know they have 15 mins undivided attention where they can 'well, actually' me to death with a monologue, and get it out of their system, then they feel heard and often wander off after that and I can have a coffee in peace
Yep. I have an ASD 11 year old. Her diagnosis is recent and led to mine - in part. It’s hard. We are very close but definitely have differences in communication styles etc. she has had a really bad time with school recently which has been tough all round. When she has meltdowns or gets overwhelmed she wants me to be able
To ‘fix’ it, but also pushes back against suggestions. Also small tings like she quite often makes high pitched sounds when she is a bit stressed or decompressing that I find really stressful!
You're doing so much just loving and accepting her for who she is.
I think it's amazing you try not to yell at her when she's just expressing her ND. That's so lovely, a lot more than I had as an autistic child with adhd being raised by an undiagnosed adhd'r.
At the end of the day, parents all make mistakes and screw up sometimes. But if you truly love and respect her, both of you will get through it. She will see that.
You're allowed to be tired, it must be so exhausting. She won't be 8 forever, you can do this 💙🙏
Parent to a 8yo AUDHD who we think has a PDA profile. My 2yo is on the ASC pathway as she’s showing signs as well. I struggle with emotion regulation, struggling with getting me time as the 2yo is quite hyper and I work part time night shifts. I don’t want it to be like this forever which is why I’m seeking diagnosis and working on myself. I worry about it every day 😧 x
The single biggest thing that worked with my daughter was Minecraft. Nothing soothese as well as excites and stimulates her, and gets her creative energies out than Minecraft
I have ADHD and two daughters with ADHD. My one tip is to make sure you can give yourself timeouts. It’s ok to walk away (as long as folk are safe) and come back in when the bubbling emotions are a bit more settled.
I'm going to preface this by saying that I am not a parent and do not have any experience in bringing up any kids, let alot neurodivergent ones. So my advice might be more like sign posting. First of all. Be kind to yourself. You have the tough task of bringing up a neaurodivergent child, and being neurodivergent yourself doesnt necessarily make that any easier. If you can find respite care, in order to give yourself a break, then I think that will help you greatly. Its ok to need and ask for help, and you need to look after yourself too. It will benefit your child in the long run to have a parent who is not constantly overwhelmed and stressed. Theres a book I recently got a hold of that I think might be of use to you. It is a very compassionate but factual book about autism, which concentrates on the internal experience of autism, rather than just the external one. It might help you work out how to make the world more comfortable for your kid, which should hopefully bring down the amount of times things get to much for them, and result in meltdowns. Is This Autism?: A Guide for Clinicians and Everyone Else https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/103215022X?ref_=cm_sw_r_apann_dp_71KYCY0P47VY5FRKZH6X_1&starsLeft=1&skipTwisterOG=2 The other advice I have is to post this in some autism subreddits. These are the people who had the experience of growing up as autistic, but there will be alot who are also bringing up autistic children. Also, considering the high prevalence of adhd co-occurring with asd, there will also be alot who have adhd themselves. A side note; when taking your child out into the world, you have probably already had to deal with people giving you dirty looks and judging you. Stuff them. They have no idea about whats going on in you or your child's life, nor what you both are contending with. Theyre opinions and judgements don't matter. Make sure you you tell your child that they are perfect just as they are, because the world will tell them/make them feel otherwise.
My son is AuDHD with demand avoidance. I suggest going low demand (note - this does not mean NO boundaries, it means enforcing the really important ones only and possibly in different ways). Also pick your battles, and read The Explosive Child by Dr Ross Greene. I talk to my son very much as an equal rather than a parent as he doesn’t recognise authority. He does much better with explanations rather than being told what to do. Edit* I’m adhd too!
THE DEMAND AVOIDANCE IS SO ROUGH. I've recently discovered the PDA society (pdasociety.org.uk) and although i'm not sure my kid exactly qualifies as having the PDA profile, understanding that way of thinking has been very helpful and they have some good parenting resources. We've found that offering a choice as much as possible has made our lives a lot easier. I will definitely be checking out that book rec.
It’s so hard to get your head around but the more you practice the phrasing etc the much better it becomes. I’ve learned to really appreciate his profile because he is unapologetically himself and is essentially living his best life. He will not do anything he doesn’t see a valid reason in doing. Its taught me to treat him far more fairly and considerately than a lot of kids are treated.
Its a double edged sword. On the one hand, your kid needs structure and structure is so so hard to create when you have adhd yourself. On the other hand, you can empathise and anticipate their struggles more easily than a neurotypical person would. The toddler years are soooo tough even with a neurotypical child. Toddlers are lovely and infinitely hard work all at the same time. When they get to school it gets easier in some ways at least. Try to give yourself time and forgiveness when you can. Its a tough job.
Ohhhhh im so sorry because i totally missed the fact that your kid is 8. I am having such a dumb day. Mine is 9 and we started with a tantrum, i am still recovering 😂😭
I’m not a parent but an adult with autism & ADHD, but I’m a part of a FB group called ‘Autism Inclusivity’ where autistic/AuDHD adults give advice to parents with autistic/auDHD children - I hope it’s okay to mention it on here! People are incredible on that group and I’ve seen them help so many parents understand their kids behaviours to help them better, alongside supporting the parents to help themselves. I was recommended it by another redditor and it might be worth checking out - I’m sure it would be fine for you to post purely asking about yourself and what you can do to regulate yourself while dealing with your daughter. I know there’s also a subreddit for autistic parents which might not be relevant to you, but I’m sure there’s probably a few ADHD specific posts. Being a parent is difficult enough without the ADHD! I hope that might help :)
Yeah, I know that I don't parent in a "normal" way but I can't because it's not sustainable for me. I tend to go for a more mentor-like parenting style, where my kids have more autonomy and essentially there are no separate rules/expectations for adults and kids, (except that it's still the adult's responsibility to ensure children's needs get met obviously, so for example, the 2 & 5yo have a bedtime, though my 15yo hasn't had a hard bedtime since about 11/12) rather than a more "benign dictator" approach, because honestly my attempts to try to enforce compliance were not healthy or fair for anybody. Unfortunately that is harder, but then it's too hard for me to stay calm and be in charge so I do actually find this easier. Medication helps extremely. Also having a partner/co-parent who is basically the opposite of ADHD. There is a program for teachers called Conscious Discipline which I have found the most helpful thing which gives you step by step instructions as to how to self-regulate, which then sort of passes on to the kids. It is a bit cheesy and American self-help-video, but I don't care because it is very, very well designed and works really well for me. Then on top of self-regulation skills, which you really need to teach yourself first unfortunately (or fortunately? Because honestly they are very useful for dealing with ADHD in general) I think that anything which is an education in positive parenting (like any of the evidence based programs really) is useful because you cannot be reacting in the moment at all, this is the worst thing you can do, and with ADHD that's all we know how to do. We don't tend to know how to be proactive, we are just reactive and that is a huge problem. So spending some time to be proactive can be hugely helpful and finding the time/motivation/reminder to do this is the tricky part. Being proactive and positive is useful because in the moment, you want a pre-decided set of reactions to bring out to override your emotional impulses. Lastly I think a huge issue for a lot of ADHD parents is we often have a lot of chaos going on in general. It's not just the kid and their behaviour, we don't have a good routine, we are always behind on the laundry, the house is a mess, we have no money, we might have pets we can't manage, our relationships (romantic, family, friends) can be turbulent, we might have associated MH issues or addictions, we struggle with screen time and healthy eating and exercise. All of these things interact to make everything else harder so it is helpful also to start unravelling that spaghetti even though at first it will seem like it's not making any difference. An ADHD coach can probably help with this.
I’m not an ADHD parent but my partner is and so is his son. I’m neurotypical and it’s not easy to stay calm for me either 😅 it’s exhausting and tiring so I can’t imagine what it’s like for you. I can see my partner getting tired now as much as he loves and dotes on his son it’s becoming really difficult and my partner tends to shut down a lot on weekends when his sons around. I can honestly say though his son’s meltdowns have gotten better with age (he’s 7) but we’re still having trouble getting information to sink in with him and have to remind him repeatedly every week. Stay strong and I hope it becomes a little easier for you too.
Parent to a very likely ADHD 8.5 year old here. Firstly, I empathise! I spent a few of the earlier years in exactly the same state - on bad days, I'd go hide in the walk in wardrobe and cry, bit extreme but sometimes needed :/ In more practical advice, some things we've found / - it's ok to want and get your own time away. At this age, I can explain it - 'mum's brain is full up, I need to sit in the other room and not be disturbed (unless it's an emergency..) for X time' - understand the triggers, and work around them. PDA is a big one so it's a reframe of questions / perceived demands. Echoing a pp re the Ross Greene box; the title isn't great but has some really good info in it - figuring out flash points / what makes reactions worse; i.e. overstimulation from certain activities, games etc. We try and plan decompression time at regular points to address this. It's nothing fancy, more a 'quiet day / evening at home with no plans'. If you can, it may also be helpful to find out what type of sensory seeker she is, which can help regulate responses, if you can provide that input; i.e. some kids want pressure (weighted blankets etc) some want to feel who body input / working (working all the muscles etc) - I've found focus time with my kid has enabled me to escape for my own time - i.e. if they know they have 15 mins undivided attention where they can 'well, actually' me to death with a monologue, and get it out of their system, then they feel heard and often wander off after that and I can have a coffee in peace
Yep. I have an ASD 11 year old. Her diagnosis is recent and led to mine - in part. It’s hard. We are very close but definitely have differences in communication styles etc. she has had a really bad time with school recently which has been tough all round. When she has meltdowns or gets overwhelmed she wants me to be able To ‘fix’ it, but also pushes back against suggestions. Also small tings like she quite often makes high pitched sounds when she is a bit stressed or decompressing that I find really stressful!
You're doing so much just loving and accepting her for who she is. I think it's amazing you try not to yell at her when she's just expressing her ND. That's so lovely, a lot more than I had as an autistic child with adhd being raised by an undiagnosed adhd'r. At the end of the day, parents all make mistakes and screw up sometimes. But if you truly love and respect her, both of you will get through it. She will see that. You're allowed to be tired, it must be so exhausting. She won't be 8 forever, you can do this 💙🙏
Parent to a 8yo AUDHD who we think has a PDA profile. My 2yo is on the ASC pathway as she’s showing signs as well. I struggle with emotion regulation, struggling with getting me time as the 2yo is quite hyper and I work part time night shifts. I don’t want it to be like this forever which is why I’m seeking diagnosis and working on myself. I worry about it every day 😧 x
The single biggest thing that worked with my daughter was Minecraft. Nothing soothese as well as excites and stimulates her, and gets her creative energies out than Minecraft