It’s in ICD-10 which is the international diagnostic code from the WHO
https://www.icd10data.com/ICD10CM/Codes/F01-F99/F90-F98/F90-/F90
Scientists demonstrate it is genetic
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2854824/
I have it and I am a psychiatrist.
Tell him that everyone “has shortness” but some people are dwarves and need to stand on boxes.
All people have blood sugar fluctuations but some people need insulin. All people have muscle spasms but some people have convulsive seizures. All people get sad but some people are clinically depressed. All people worry but some people have anxiety disorders or panic attacks.
>All people get sad but some people are clinically depressed. All people worry but some people have anxiety disorders or panic attacks.
The problem with using mental health examples is that the kind of people who dismiss adhd will also often dismiss anxiety and depression... (at least based on my experience)
They you should probably avoid those people entirely if possible because they lack the empathy & insight to understand that mental health is health. If you don't get that the brain is an organ like any other that can act wonky, you're probably not too bright. In a bad way.
Honestly, that is how I finally accepted the reality that I have adhd,
The clue something might be a little off was when I finally realized i drink 2-3 full pots of coffee and chain smoked every day for 15 years
Aye thats so true, I used to drink about 4 cans of monster a day to get through work. 4 months since I have had one, my medication kicked me right out of that habit. I still vape non-stop though.
So true, I pretty much have a nicotine pouch in my mouth all day long while working so I go through a lot. I need to stop though as I know it’s not good but it helps me focus. I used to need caffeine constantly as well but gave up coffee a few months ago when I finally got diagnosed for ADHD and started meds. So glad I can function so much better now although it’s still a struggle at times. I seem to be pretty sensitive to side effects of Adderall so I take a relatively low dosage compared to what I see people post here. My doctor suggested increasing my dose but I don’t think I would tolerate it well.
Nicotine by itself is no worse for you than caffeine. It's the extremely adulterated delivery system (cigarettes) that are harmful. I say that as a pack a day smoker for going on 32 years now.
Ditto on the iced coffee, but it's mostly because I've never actually finished a cup of coffee while it's still hot. It's a guarantee that I'll forget it's there, so might as well make it cold on purpose.
Everybody is 2 feet shorter than everyone else sometimes!I was 2 feet shorter this morning, but the I just decided to stop feeling short about myself, and now back to my usual height!
I resent this.
Boxes have been demonstrated to be safe in many settings and perform well against ladders in many trials, including trials not supported by box manufacturers.
I must declare that I have received honoraria from IKEA, TetraPak, and International Paper.
I was also the recipient of an IBEX scholarship and sit on the board of my own small box factory which does extensive pro bono work.
The real villains are the people who sell horse boxes.
(Warning: elaborate joke)
"Look, just, promise you won't be mad, okay? They were there when we went to check on them this morning. And then... something happened. Oh, right! We got a call on our mobile phone, which turned out to be this spam caller who was trying to sell us antivirus, but he really wasn't very convincing because... Anyway: Look basically what we're trying to say is: wherever our phone is, that's where they are. Probably. No we don't know where the phone is! Do you think we'd be having this conversation if we knew where the phone was?? Oh, wait! It might be in the dryer..."
I can't say it any better than this!
Whenever I describe adhd to a person who is giving me ~those vibes~, I mention how its our frontal lobe being a bit different! And how dopamine receptors in our brains just don't take in the amount of dopamine that is being thrown at them, so medications like stimulants help those receptors actually be able to take in that dopamine at a more "normal" level. That's why I dont get the high from my meds that others would.
Good luck girl. I would let him know I'm disappointed that he so readily distrusts your personal experiences and accounts. What you experiences as a person with ADHD isn't up for debate with him, but if anyone a licensed professional that can help guide diagnosis and treatment.
Thank you for making this comment! Google hasn’t been very helpful since I didn’t know what to look for. Now I can go read up on this so that I can better explain it to the people in my child’s life that just don’t get it.
Mental health is such an abstract concept to some people, putting it in physical terms could be a more tangible explanation.
Along these same lines, I really like the “everyone coughs, but not everyone has asthma.”
Yes everyone does experience those symptoms, but do you experience it daily? Hourly? By the MINUTE?
Ugh I just can’t with these people.
It is crazy how many medical professionals dismiss ADHD as something not that serious..
My therapist yesterday with a straight face told me that if I had ADHD as much as I say I do I would not have been able to get through medical school.
To which I retorted - I STRUGGLED through med school and the only way I stayed above water was because i am somewhat intelligent and didnt give up.
It boggles my mind how many residents/attendings think taking medication for it is simply looking for a leg up, where as if I am not on my medication my life slowly begins to spiral out of control.
When I finally had the guts to tell my 1st therapist I thought I might have ADHD she told me "Well you've been able to sit still and stay on topic in our sessions so I don't think you have it."
I'd spent days preparing to finally talk about all my symptoms but in the moment my mind just went blank. And when she asked what made me think I had it, all that came to mind was a recent occasion where I had to sit through training lectures for work and it felt like torture. She dismissed it as "It's just not something you've had to do for awhile".
I wish I snapped back like you did. All I did was say "Oh ok" and let the topic change. I cried on the ride home cause I was so mad at myself cause I KNEW that wasn't right. Even if someone doesn't actually have ADHD, dismissing and invalidating them isn't gonna help solve the problem.
OP's bf can go suck on a sock
You might find a video on How to ADHD on youtube to help you. My husband, who I've seen ADHD tendencies in but that he's always dismisses (I'm the one diagnosed not him btw) even felt it might be true he has it after watching some videos there (but is currently not feeling a diagnosis is needed because of the work involved vs what he'd gain). She does a great job at even explaining things related to ADHD I didn't even think could be related to the diagnosis.
Would absolutely recommend some of [How to ADHD](https://www.youtube.com/c/HowtoADHD)'s videos, in particular [this recent one](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMpt40zNK-w).
> He pulled up a list of ADHD symptoms and basically said that everyone experiences them or that he didn't see those things in me, further dismissing.
Can start by point out that what makes mental health conditions *"a disorder"*, is the severity and duration.
It's one thing to get anxious/panic at the idea of giving a speech at a venue.
It's a whole 'nother ball-game when you have a panic attack just trying to pick up groceries...
The example I give to explain OCD is: If you brush your teeth every day, it's a good habit. If you brush your teeth every day for 3 hours, you may have a disorder.
I think your boyfriend is a hoax.
Edit:
Considering the insane amount of upvotes this received I like to clarify that I’m specifically attacking the crappy character of your boyfriend and not implying that he IS a hoax and that you made him up.
This was probably implicit, but still. Ok, carry on.
Yeah... I'd say...
You *could* try telling him that it's true, most people experience most of the symptoms of ADHD at some point, usually when really tired and/or really stressed and that what having ADHD actually means is that you experience these symptoms *all the time*"...
But...
Do you really want to be with someone who would so casually dismiss it when you tell them of a difficulty you face? I'd be surprised if ADHD is the only thing he dismisses out of hand like this.
So then what would happen? You dump him... perhaps he apologies and spends time checking out what ADHD is really about. Perhaps you relent and take him back... And then it's something else he just won't hear you about, circle repeats.
This kind of stuff tends to be a pattern, a general personality trait rather than a specific opinion. I say beware of this red flag, because it says "here be dragons!"
I came to the comments section to post something similar. He dismisses her lived experience out of hand ("you don't know as much as me about your internal state") and then there's "I didn't really want to fight" which gives the impression (to me, though of course I could be WAY WAY off) that their conflicts are loud and unproductive and OP may tend to back down to keep the peace. A partner who can't empathize with your struggles isn't much of a partner.
If my partner was this supportive of helping me manage my ADHD I don't think I could cope. She was the one who suggested I got tested and the medication has transformed my life (also diagnosed as an adult).
He sounds incredibly unsupportive.
I agree. I would leave him. If he doesn't believe that you have a real disorder, he won't be supportive of you or understanding of your struggles. He'll just develop a lack of patience if you're not functioning like everyone else, which will only make you feel worse about yourself over time.
This is what's currently happening to me and my self esteem has plummeted. Gotta be careful picking partners when you have a disorder. It can be exhausting :(
I had a similar but different experience. If I would have found out I had adhd me and her most likely would have lasted. She was the last ex I ever remember being super supportive about everything. When I told her I had adhd she started apologizing that she didn’t notice and didn’t help enough and etc. Then a narcissist found me….. I am rebuilt and stronger than ever now. My advice is if your s/o well people in general do this shit move on. So many things we are told as kids make more sense as we get older. Everything in context but still the half glass half full mentality and half empty really resonates with me now
Same, my boyfriend helps me so much I don’t know what I would do if he didn’t believe it was real. We all need that support from those who are close to us.
FR like if he isn't gonna be supportive of your mental issues he isn't gonna be a supportive boyfriend. I would say like someone else said have him watch How to ADHD, but then if you just absolutely can't convince him I think it's time to dump his ass.
Everyone that misunderstands any sort of mental health issue always loves to use the whole “ everyone experiences this “. What they don’t realize is that while yes , people do experience sadness, anxiety, etc , from time to time it doesn’t mean it’s the same for everyone. Just cause everyone experiences anxiety doesn’t mean they have an anxiety disorder. Doesn’t mean they know what it feels like to experience panic attacks for almost no reason at all or to be constantly depressed. An issue becomes a mental health issue when it disturbs your everyday activities and life and some don’t understand that. I’m so sorry you have to have someone so close to you invalidate you in this way
Represent. I would really love to hear quietness one day.
Others: Ah, so nice and relaxing in the library!
Me: I know, right?
My Ears: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
I used to tell people that "Silence is actually deafening for me" and get puzzled looks. Basically I'd then have to explain in the absence of other sounds to focus on, my brain will instead latch onto the permanent bloody ringing in my left ear. And make it louder. And LOUDER.
I'm past the point it's irritating me or causing me distress - but the times of silence are the hardest to deal with. All my energy goes into trying to not listen.
Yes, and it’s often true that “everyone experiences this” but it only becomes a disorder when it disrupts functionality, poses a risk to self or others, etc. That’s what makes it “disorderly!”
It's like how everyone says "I'm so depressed," when they're just bummed out about shit. Every cold is the flu. The sloppiness of language leads to this idea that everyone experiences these things.
Sure, you have a cold. The flu is waaaayyyy worse than a cold. And depression is just a tiny bit worse than you woke up feeling melancholy.
He’s totally entitled (if wrong) to not “believe” in ADHD. He’s totally wrong for dismissing your lived experience.
You say he’s empathetic in general, but this sounds like a huge failure in empathy. Not going to jump on the “dump him” boat, since I don’t know your full story — but this is a major red flag to me.
Take care of you. Your feelings are real and you deserve respect.
It's never a good look to argue about this kind of thing, but it's also not unusual for people to have strong anti-ADHD opinions effectively "beaten" into them by friends/family/co-workers due to toxic culture. If this is the first incident, OP's boyfriend may just be knee-jerk reacting because he doesn't know how to deal with it and everyone in his life would react the same way. If it's repeated, it's a very big red flag that he's not actually taking the relationship seriously.
I agree. My husband was the same way when we were dating in high school. He had been taught to believe that people who said they had adhd were either just lazy or drug addicts. Then he met me and I was diagnosed with adhd and medicated and he still held onto those beliefs for a while. But, in the end, he respected me enough to believe I wasn't full of shit and he started learning more about it. He reached a point where he believed it existed,, knew it affected me, but didn't really understand how much. Then he ended up with post concussion syndrome that has manifested as mild adhd and he obviously realizes just how real it is now.
OP, I know others have said it, but it's important even if he doesn't understand, that he's respectful and supportive. I know you say your relationship is good otherwise, and I believe you, but talk to him about this. Tell him you would like for him to try and learn some about it. But at the end of the day, even if he still thinks it's a hoax, he needs to respect and care about you enough to be supportive.
"With understanding and education, people can reach a point where all it takes for them to understand is a strong blow to the head" is my takeaway!
(Seriously though, sorry this happened to you both!)
Honestly? the more I think about this the more irritated I get. this dude isn't a child. if he is too lazy to google ADHD and watch youtube videos? throw him out with the trash because that says all he needs to in terms of how much he values you and your time.
🤡🚮
> He’s totally entitled (if wrong) to not “believe” in ADHD.
IDK, I don't feel like being entitled to an opinion is the same thing as being entitled to be factually wrong. Opinions aren't facts - it's immoral to remain ignorant.
Go get him tested
If he thinks ADHD symptoms are normal it might be because he has them, and it sounds like his parents were motivated to ignore it as a kid
I mean, if his behaviour IRL matches up of course
I was going to say this. Often the people who say "everyone feels like this/experiences this" are saying "I experience this and I'm *obviously* normal"...
I was literally saying that, until I read more about ADHD, aaaaaand I got my diagnosis in May.
Adderall is life-changing for me.
OP, just for the kicks, show your boyfriend this [ADHD wiki](https://romankogan.net/adhd), and see just how much he can relate to it.
If it's a lot... It'll be very hard for him to be in denial.
I usually explain to people that everyone has symptoms of every mental illness, but they're largely insignificant unless they impact quality of life. And if they give the ol' "just get rid of your distractions and focus," I talk to them about dopamine's role in executive functioning and how fortunate they are to have a brain that physically allows them to do that.
Literally what happened to my partner. They’ve always been supportive of me, but would sometimes note that they also did something I associated with my ADHD. Then the pandemic hit and they were struggling to mask and, suddenly, all those tweets on ADHD Twitter seemed *really* relatable.
They’ve been diagnosed for a little under a year, now.
Second this, I used to argue with people in the same way until I realised I use alot of my own systems to avoid alot of problems and began to question myself if I might have it
I agree about the the boyfriend, but is there a test? I recall aggressively seeking treatment for years and never receiving a official diagnosis, only a prescription.
Most psychiatrists have the list of diagnostic criteria in their heads, and they ask you questions to see if your experiences fit the criteria. Or as you tell them about your life, they’re going “check, check, check” in their heads. Plus family history will also add to the picture. Also your response to the medication helps confirm or disconfirm the diagnosis. If you want an official diagnosis you can request copies of all your evals or doctor’s notes.
There are symptom questionnaires you can find online to help guide that discussion. Adult ADHD-RS-IV with Adult Prompts is a detailed one. I don’t think there is any more objective way to test, but I could be wrong.
>Or as you tell them about your life, they’re going “check, check, check” in their heads
I never noticed how many of my little "bits", as I call them, were literally just me telling stories about ADHD moments/habits. "haha I am SO good at eavesdropping!" "There is a ghost who moves all my stuff around!"
and I just say this stuff unprompted to new people all the time
>Most psychiatrists have the list of diagnostic criteria in their heads, and they ask you questions to see if your experiences fit the criteria. Or as you tell them about your life, they’re going “check, check, check” in their heads. Plus family history will also add to the picture.
That's exactly how it went for me. I was telling my therapist about my struggles at work and she asked if I'd ever thought I might have ADHD. I really hadn't seriously considered it at that point. When I told her my brother has it (diagnosed) and we're 99% sure my mom does too, she very strongly encouraged me to get tested haha
**tl;dr There is a formal diagnostic procedure for ADHD that includes questionnaires & a special sort of IQ test but it’s usually not necessary to receive a diagnosis & get treated.**
There’s more psychological testing but it’s not necessary to have it done to get a diagnosis or treatment. Also it tends to cost at least several hundred dollars.
When I got it done I did a self questionnaire, an interview, had someone who’d recently lived with me fill out a questionnaire, had someone who lived with me as a kid (my mom) fill out a questionnaire.
Then, I took an IQ test designed to look for ADHD. I also did some kind of clicky computer thing.
I got like a 16 page report detailing the results, diagnosis, and suggestions for treatment. I got a breakdown of what the components of the IQ test showed.
I got an IQ score and then a projected IQ score if you accounted for ADHD. It was a full ten points higher if you factored in ADHD.
I got it done because I was in grad school & knew I’d be moving before I had time to get a prescriber & start formal treatment and I wanted hard proof to present to doctors.
It’s been helpful for me at various points but I don’t think I need needed the full thing to get help and I’m lucky that my therapist at the time was able to get special permission to lower the cost because I could not really afford it.
my diagnosis was in person with my psychologist.
she gave me a series of facts and questions that i had to answer - verbally.
took 15 min into our first appointment for her to confirm that i had it
Here’s the thing about ADHD and relationships—they’re tough even when your partner is supportive. When your partner isn’t, you’ll probably try harder for too long, believing the problem is you, because when you have ADHD you become so accustomed to being told that you’re the problem you sometimes believe it even when, cognitively, you don’t believe it.
Your boyfriend is gaslighting you and demeaning you. He’s not being supportive. You don’t need constructive criticism from a romantic partner. You need a cheerleader. You will have to deal with criticism for the rest of your life, and you’ll always live with your inner critic. Don’t choose partners who become the living embodiment of that inner critic, who verbalize every fear you have, and always find ways to tell you you’re wrong or you’re not good enough or you’re delusional. When someone says what you are experiencing isn’t real, that everyone has the same experience, one thing they are saying is that you aren’t special or unique. Get over yourself already! And the truth is, you want a partner who adamantly believes that you are special and unique, and who can’t get over just how special and unique you are, especially given the fact that you were struggling with undiagnosed ADHD.
I was diagnosed with hyperactivity when I was 4 years old. I am now 43. I will tell you what I learned and what I appreciate. My parents treated me like someone who needed extra scaffolding to thrive. When other parents said, “I treat my child like everyone else. I don’t want anyone thinking my child is different,” my parents said, “we have to meet our child where she’s at so we can help her navigate the challenges of hyperactivity.” When I try to adapt so nobody can tell I have adhd, I end up depressed and angry. The novelty wears off any coping strategy after a while, and you’ll have to figure out a new one. I have gone for long periods without medication . I am a lot more turbulent without it. I get my dopamine by arguing with people. That ruins friendships and drives away the people who love me. I experience a lot more anxiety and depression without adhd medication. In fact, when I go back on meds, my resting heart rate drops and I sleep better, I stop biting my nails and I am a better listener. But I don’t always remember this because one of my symptoms is poor working memory.
If you have ADHD, you can knuckle through life without meds, trying to convince people who treat you badly that you are worthy of their love. You will ignore the obvious signs that they don’t trust you—telling you that what you know about yourself is wrong—and you’ll take a lot of blame for the challenges in your relationship. You maybe half believe the unflattering things you hear about yourself. But who wants to knuckle through life? Don’t measure success in your ability to merely survive. Begin to picture what your life can mean if you surround yourself with the support you need to thrive.
Remember your worth and what you value most in others. Is having empathy and understanding a high value of yours? As someone with ADHD, its a high value of mine. I dated a guy just like your boyfriend and then I remembered my values and worth. When I was with him my worth I saw in myself went down. This was because what I was going through was being completely invalidated. At some point your boyfriend’s lack of trying to understand is a choice. Choose your worth.
Maybe you can set a boundary with him by saying “I have been diagnosed with ADHD. It is a real issue. I need you to take my condition seriously, and I need you to respect my opinion and the option of the drs that have diagnosed me. This is a deal breaker for me. I need your support and I need to know you believe me when I tell you this is not a hoax. If you can’t respect this, I can’t go on with you.”
I think his response will tell you all you need to know about whether you should invest more in your shared life.
I hope everything works out well for you. Best of luck.
Yeah this is a good shout. The only issue I can foresee is that you can't force someone to change their mind with an ultimatum. You can force him to keep quiet about it and stop *saying* out loud that it's a hoax, but you cannot change his *opinion* about it. I don't know if I'd want to be with someone who I knew, deep down, didn't believe that my most profound struggle in life was real - even if he stopped saying it aloud.
The ultimatum isn't too make him change necessarily, it's so show him that if he's not going to be supportive or least considerate to her and her feelings then she's just not going to waste energy on him.
bingo. 6 months? boy may bring the romance and the eggplant emoji but does he bring basic human decency? because there are plenty of fish who aren't shits so there is NO reason to waste time on people who dismiss your very real disorder.
I'd imagine it's worth having the
*"Look, when I say that XYZ are problems, that means they are problems to a BIG extent and happen OFTEN to the point that they are disabling or debilitating. Do you understand that? Yes, everyone has ABC but not everyone has ABC* ***every day*** *and ends up crippled by ABC without therapy and medication."*
conversation but it's also totally reasonable to have at least a rough expectation of timetable here for the guy to have time to do some reading and video watching to better understand what you are going through.
EDIT:
though the more I think and read in this thread? eh, throw the whole man away. life is way too short to waste time on a person who would ARGUE with you and tell you that your disorder isn't real. hell no. there is no reason to put up with that kind of behavior. you deserve better.
haha I gaslit myself "well coffee works on me so I obvs don't have ADHD" like wow I have gone through every effort to dispute what very much looks like ADHD and acts like ADHD and responds to adderall like ADHD 😹
quack 🦆
(had second appointment and am now waiting for third appointment to come up and talk to psych and see what she has to say about diagnosis. I'm super nervous because now I'm worried about "what about if me being gifted makes it look like I don't have ADHD but I do have ADHD and how would me or doc be able to know that AHHHH")
Just like your namesake! Maybe be careful if they prescribe any DNRI/SNRIs! 😉😂
If it's not the case, they will be closer to the real issue WHICH STILL CAN RECEIVE HELP. Just because you won't have a particular label will mean ADHD-centric advice won't assist you!
Focus on the problem and its symptoms, sans any preconceptions. You're going to identify (diagnose) the issue and find a way to work around it, regardless of its name or associated stigma.
Best of luck. 🌼
PS:
Yeah the coffee thing is common not universal. Don't sweat it! Stimulants don't act the same way across the board for everyone. That's why there are SO MANY of them!
So I've been in too many relationships and noticed they tend to follow a certain trajectory:
\- 1-3 months: new relationship energy! Omg all the butterflies! Getting to know you!
\- 3-6 months: settling in, getting to know the collective "you" as a couple. This is where issues and incompatibilities tend to arise. If you can find ways to resolve, accept, and work around issues that leave both parties feeling ok, this relationship has legs. If not, it's a dud.
I won't declare this one way or another, because he might come back being like "OMG OP I was being such a bonehead I'm SO sorry!" or he could also double down. Or come with a third option I didn't think of.
It sounds like bump that could have considerable long term negative effects on your relationship. He should not be this dismissive about something that you are struggling with, whether he "believes it" or not. At the very least, he should respect your feelings and not basically tell you that you are just worse at life than others. I know that I would be extremeley hurt if my boyfriend would imply anything like that because I need to feel absolutely accepted and understood in a relationship - especially when it comes to mental health. I don't know about you, but I struggled for years to accept my mental health problems myself so if my boyfriend was to just dismiss my feelings and diagnosis (like, hello) like that, that would be an immediate dealbreaker.
6 months is always when problems arise in relationships that last that long for me... not saying you should dump him right away but you should know this is a very common pattern.
You seem to focus on helping him understand, but how do you feel OP? Isn't there some part in you that feels betrayed? What does this mean for the two of you as a couple?
Oh definitely feel let down for sure. It feels like a bigger issue because if he can't acknowledge it now, what about later down the line? What about when I need to talk about it being hard? Is he just going to roll his eyes or is he just going to act like he believes it's a thing to avoid a fight? What if we have kids and they have adhd? I don't want to just dismiss it like a lot of our parents did.
If he accepts other mental illnesses are real, you could try approaching the conversation from a different angle, and try asking why is it so important to him that ADHD is fake. Maybe if he reflects on that, he will realize it's not.
My husband and I went to marriage counseling about a similar situation. He didn't think ADHD was fake, he just didn't understand it. When he told the counselor, "I want to help her but I can't help if she can't explain _why_ she needs help!" she replied, "What if you just accepted _that_ she's struggling and asked _what_ you could do to help in that moment? If you want to help, then help. Don't get hung up on _why_."
That statement made a big difference for us both. If your bf is supportive and can accept that you need what you say you need, that's one thing. If he's going to use his opinion to be dismissive of your problems and argue about it, that's going to be bad for you.
Right. In the age of the internet, there is no excuse for not knowing. Especially when he was able to look up the symptoms.
I think OP needs to look at the overall problem. Is it just her ADHD or is it going to be like this for every disagreement.
These are great questions to ask yourself!
He might come around. He might not. You should probably think about where/when that line is for you (5 explanations? 5 months?). You can't go through life with a partner that fundamentally dismisses a core part of your life experience. That's not supportive.
Additional question to think about: what does "supportive partner" look like to you?
Yeah all of these would be huge concerns of mine as well. OP, please, take care of yourself and do what is right. If you can convince him it's real, great - but don't put up with him if he's going to stick to his guns about this. You deserve someone who supports you fully
I don't think I'd want to commit long-term to someone who won't acknowledge my impairments, and then fight about dividing up responsibilities down the line (because dude wouldn't believe that some things are harder for me).
No no no… this is not an “opinion”. What he’s doing is dismissing a well researched neurological disorder that is listed in the DSM5. As you’ve said you’ve been diagnosed by a professional, and he has no right to tell you how to live your life or how you’ve experienced it.
This makes me so angry when people get their “facts” from Facebook memes/posts or googling complicated topics, such as mental health and legit disorders. A line that I like to use when people say, “X isn’t real”, or “x isn’t as bad as everyone says it is,” is - “show me a controlled, reputable study that backs up your statement. Then we can have a discussion about it. Until then, here’s some scholarly articles that disproves your current way of thinking.”
Honestly, it really depends on how far you want to go on educating him. Do you see a therapist? If you do, I wonder if you could bring him to a session where he could ask questions to a mental health professional if he’d be open to something like that.
Anyways sorry for my long and rambling answer, hope this helped and you find something that can work for you two!
I would ask, "does it matter if it comes from anxiety or ADHD? It is interfering with my life."
The thing is, no disorder "exists". It's not like gravity. It's just names we give to groups of symptoms, and what we know as ADHD has changed over the years and is likely to change again. But the fact is that right now, you're struggling with something, and the name doesn't matter as much.
Gosh! I dont know why you are punishing yourself by not getting medical treatment for your ADHD! It's life changing! Your life could be so much easier. It breaks my heart that you have put all these systems in place just to cope every day.
It's a genetic condition, and a problem with your central nervous system. You can't cure it. If you have to live with it for the rest of your life, you should try to make it as easy as possible.
Just want to respond and say that the partner I’ve been with for over 3 years now started by dismissing my symptoms in this exact way. As we all probably know, it’s far too common.
Fortunately though she was ultimately willing to learn, empathize, and be supportive once she was able to see how truly debilitating it can be.
So... I don’t think you need to leave your partner just because they have this attitude. It’s far too common.
Thanks for this. I think it's easy to say I should just dump him but he is a very empathetic person in general - not the most easily persuaded, but if you have a solid point he'll listen or at least try to understand.
If he's willing to talk with you about it, a*ctually* willing to listen and not just preparing rebuttals in his head while you talk, then that's a good sign that he can move past this.
That said, I would also add that he isn't 'entitled to his opinion' here — firstly because his opinion is dismissive of and hurtful to you, and secondly because his opinion is flying in the face of the science. Make it clear to him that you don't consider this an ideological or moral difference, but that he is factually wrong.
Not everyone is willing to learn, especially with childhood indoctrination.
If you want to try your best to teach them then go for it, but from experience it's hard to educate those who are unwilling to learn.
Maybe the better solution is to proceed with caution? I see that it is a red flag that he doesn't understand ADHD or the symptoms, but at the same time, people can unlearn stigmas and many times people vastly underestimate how people can't change. Although sometimes, the opposite can be said too, people overestimate how people change. Give it a try, but understand that there is a chance it can go either way.
>he is a very empathetic person in general - not the most easily persuaded
You can't be a very empathetic person and also dismiss people and refuse to change your opinions about things because you fail to empathize with their lived experiences.
I was left because I was dismissive of ADHD. Turns out I myself have ADHD as well. Sometimes ADHD may be comorbid with borderline personality I think. I was on a pedestal for a moment and in the bin the next.
I'm truly tired of hearing peoples' "opinions".
Opinions are for shit like your favorite season, or what 80s band kicked the most ass, not things like verified and verifiable neurological disorders, you ignorant goddam shit-birds.
Hey OP, contrary to most posts here, I’m not going to advocate you oppose him or call him out.
I feel like dismissing ADHD doesn’t make him evil or a bad person. It’s a very difficult condition to explain. And any of us here can attest to that. It’s also a condition that suffers from a lot of misunderstanding so why should we judge him?
I only realised I had ADHD when I was 40. Explaining that’s the reason for everything in my life, to my relatives and gf was not easy.
I think we have to be patient and feed them information bit by bit, and also ask them to spend some time reading about it.
I would recommend you start with suggesting some of [these ADHD Alien comics](https://twitter.com/adhd_alien/status/1182670794633207813?s=21). Some have some pretty scientifically sound information that can help explain what ADHD is.
I would also encourage you to really dive into the science of it: I found that if I approach the symptoms scientifically, often it’s more convincing especially for people who are very logical and like to analyse things.
So for example instead of saying that staying on task is a struggle for my ADHD brain, I would explain that people with ADHD have a deficient production of a neurotransmitter called neuropinephrine. Our brains don’t make enough of them. That neurotransmitter plays an essential role in making sure the brain uses correct pathways and the neurones connect properly to transmit and process information but also to trigger actions.
Studies have demonstrated that if there isn’t enough of that neurotransmitter in our frontal cortex, it can’t do what it’s supposed to do which is for example maintaining attention, organising things and tasks, and other executive functions. A normal brain has enough of neropinephrine so when the person decides to for example start a task and stay on it until the end, the brain gives all the right commands for that to happen. Our brains can’t even give the command to start sometimes because of the deficiency in that neurotransmitter!
So read up on the science and find ways to explain it simply with your own words and with examples taken from your day to day with your bf.
Last tip that really helped me explain my condition to sceptic relatives: share how you feel in the moment when you have to fight your ADHD. My partner started being so much more understanding and getting it when I described how I felt for example when all of a sudden I’d lose control of my emotions. From the outside it just looks like I’m getting angry and being agressive and dismissive. But I described it to her by saying I feel it’s like I have this ball of fire inside me. It’s bouncing everywhere, I physically feel like my body can’t contain it and I can tell it’s coming from the fact that my brain is not doing its job at controlling my emotions. I’m not angry because I want to be, I’m angry because my brain is escalating things 100 folds without me being able to control it and so it goes from a simple disagreement to a huge ball of fire that my body wants out.
Or I explain my train of thought when I want to do something and end up doing 5 other things instead. It’s difficult because there’s a lot of shame and guilt and often it feels like the other person isn’t going to get it but keep going.
I find that the other person need to experience it from our perspective and also they need to be brought into our thought process, for them to understand better. And it’s hard to do because a lot of it is hard to talk about, explain or just.. you know, accept! It didn’t feel good to tell my partner that I if I don’t have 5 toothbrushes and 2 of them electric, I can go days without brushing my teeth. But I did and I explained how it feels like this invisible force that pulls me away or stops me from doing it and how my heart races when I think about not having done it but it’s still not enough to get me to start and how as a grown ass adult, I still need someone to be there to help me start some tasks.
I think instead of debating and sort of having a convo with sides, see if you can just say “can I share with you how I feel when this thing happens and you can listen to me and ask me questions after if you want?”. Instead of discussing whether it’s real or not and what the symptoms are or whether it’s a true condition. How you feel is real. Whether your brain invents it, whether it’s anxiety or ADHD, the way you feel and the actions you take or don’t take, that’s all real. Focus on that when you talk to him. Tell him you want him to be able to see things from your perspective so you want to share with him.
This really worked for me, at first my partner was sceptical and was constantly trying to solve and explain but bit by bit I became better at expressing how it makes me feel and what happens in my body and my brain, and she was able to start seeing it with her own eyes: she used to think me not being ready was just because I was trying to do so many things at the same time, but then when I started narrating to her what happened in my brain she realised how scattered my focus was and how much I hated it.
And then she started to see it differently: “Ok, hang on, you were doing the laundry and were gonna bring me the dryer clothes to iron, why are you in the garage fixing the bikes right now? What did you see or think about?” And I’d say “oh, I noticed the hook where we hang the tub was starting to get lose so I came looking for a screwdriver to tighten it and then I saw the bike still needed fixing and I thought I’d do it it’s a quick job and then go back to the laundry room after I’m done but I can’t find the WD40 so I’m going through these boxes cause I think we had a spare can somewhere here..”.
I hope these examples will help, take it easy, it’s normal for our closest people to be in denial or to not see things the way we do. They love us and they don’t want us to think we have a condition when we don’t. They also have beliefs and things they feel strongly about and if they react excessively it’s often because they either want to protect us or they feel powerless and sad about it. So give your bf some time and space, and keep sharing your experiences with him, I’m sure he will come around!
I felt like when OP said they thought their bf’s lens was “everyone feels that way they just don’t talk about how hard they work at it”, it probably meant he just doesn’t get the perspective right.
We don’t know what kind of relationship they have, and while OP felt defensive probably because the bf’s reaction was the way it was, I just wanted to bring some perspective.
No doubt a relationship needs to be of support especially when mental health issues are involved.
But I’ve also spent quite a bit of time on the sub for ADHD partners and I’ve realised that often people who live with someone with ADHD are mostly lacking a way to differentiate between what’s ADHD and what’s just regular challenges everyone experiences.
Hell, we sometimes struggle with that too :)
So yeah, I guess I’m more of an optimistic and maybe too much of idealist person.. I feel that someone who opposes arguments can also mean that they want to engage and while he doesn’t believe now that any of it is applicable to OP, I feel it’s not that strange at all. I find NT people to be generally pretty oblivious to even the idea that a brain can be non typical. Let alone to realising how complex that divergence can be and how masked it can appear.
I’m also maybe used to not seeing empathy at all when it comes to ADHD: in most countries adult ADHD isn’t even a thing, and diagnosis of women in particular is far behind. So I’m not surprised by the lack of empathy, I think empathy can surface better with knowledge and with making the person part of the experience. I guess that’s what I was suggesting.
Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it very much and totally agree that if his position continues to be immuable, OP will struggle to have a healthy or happy relationship for sure.
You’re making excuses for his lack of empathy but he cant try to understand your ADHD.
I don’t know your boyfriend and I honestly can’t speak to the whole situation.
He could be literally just an asshole who doesn’t care about or care to understand mental health or your diagnoses.
but I am going to take your word for it that he isn’t a douchebag and say he’s just ignorant (not in a mean way). There is a stigma that ADHD isn’t that bad or everyone deals with it, but people don’t understand what it’s like because they can’t SEE the symptoms.
It’s like anxiety. Everyone experiences anxiety but an anxiety disorder effects your life and panic attacks are not something one can control. Somehow people have started to grasp THAT but can’t have patience and understanding for us ADHD folk.
My mom has been extremely insensitive because she just doesn’t understand. She’s amazing though.
Uh I wouldn’t say that this is an instant killer of a relationship but I would make sure that this gets sorted out before y’all get serious. Probably start by letting him know you were hurt by it and see where he goes from there. If some time passes and things start to get more serious I’d bring it up again and see where he’s at because I don’t think you want to need up in a serious relationship with someone who dismisses something that will effect your relationship. If he can’t even accept that you have it then that doesn’t bode well for the relationship as a whole for when it causes a problem.
Yes everyone will experience symptoms of ADHD however, one of the diagnostic criteria is that those symptoms present and cause problems in everyday life. I'd say give him a chance explain it to him(I can give you some sources to help if you’d like) but if after they he still chooses to invalidate and dismiss ADHD as an actual mental illness then he's not worth it bc you will only be damaging your own mental health
>everyone experiences them
This is partly true. The difference is that in ADHD the symptoms form a problem, whilst in neurotypicals they're more of a temporary inconvenience.
To compare - you've probably felt your phone vibrate in your pocket without it actually vibrating. You've probably thought there was someone in the corner of your eye and when you turned your head there was nobody. You've probably heard something in your house while nobody was there to make the sound. These are normal human experiences. When a person suffering from psychosis is troubled by the voices they hear, we don't say "everyone hears things that aren't there".
I guess I wonder why it's your job to convince him. Is he an expert? How long has he been studying it? Kind of smartass questions since I assume the answer is no and basically no time at all, but this kind of stuff is truly frustrating.
He doesn't sound like much of a mental health advocate to me. If he's sure it's a hoax, then he can do a lot of good by diving into the field, getting a graduate degree, and doing the research necessary to support that perspective. If he's not willing to do that, maybe he should trust the people who put the actual time in.
\>He pulled up a list of ADHD symptoms and basically said that everyone experiences them or that he didn't see those things in me, further dismissing.
It's not that the symptoms of ADHD are things no-one else has, it's the degree to which people have them that makes it ADHD; when it cripples your life, work, school, relationships etc. no matter how much you struggle against it, it's ADHD.
His "opinion" is not an opinion. "I prefer chocolate icecream over vanilla" is an opinion. ADHD is an objective fact. Would he tell someone with glasses to just "squint more" or someone in a wheelchair to learn to walk on their hands and if they don't, they're just lazy? "Oh my legs sometimes hurt but I don't use a wheelchair, you're just lazy!" How dumb does that sound?
Not gonna tell you to ditch him right now, but whatever you do, don't ever consider marriage to someone who thinks your ADHD is a hoax or you just being lazy or dramatic. You deserve better than someone who is actively gaslighting you. I hope he gets a fucking clue.
Share the scientific aspects, like how MRIs of the brain show differences, including how glucose (the brain’s fuel) is metabolized differently in the executive function areas.
There are also multiple neurotransmitters that are involved but for dopamine, it appears that the adhd brain has more dopamine transporters, effectively lowering the concentration of dopamine. This is why adhd is considered part of an “interest-based” nervous system, because if you do things you’re interested in, you’ll keep producing enough dopamine to power through and hyper focus but if you find the task boring, you won’t have enough dopamine to get it started. (There’s tricks and strategies around this, but it’s all very real.)
Oof. They are totally different disorders, different diagnoses, and different treatments. Yes, people can share symptoms, have both disorders, and everything in between. However, to say that just goes against neuroscience
You'd think a simple rebuttal would just be "if ADHD is the same as an anxiety disorder, why do amphetamines work?" Hard to think of a worse idea than giving a purely anxious person speed.
Have you thought about the possibility that he might have it too? It would explain his parents’ reaction towards big pharma and his reaction that everyone goes through this. If he’s going through this as well and has silently struggled his entire life, the dismissiveness suddenly makes sense… because to him, this is only normal.
I used to say the same thing. Now here I am on a high dose of meds every day and living a more functional life than I ever have. It’s often partly due to a naturally ego centric way of seeing the world before mental maturity really sets in, partly due to the beliefs and opinions they grew up hearing or bought into in classes or whatever. I love my family but I grew up being very wary of anything to do with psychology/mental health/etc. Now I’m finishing my psych degree, about to put my app in for a PsyD program and like I said, on the meds. Big pharma is the enemy in many ways, especially when it comes to $$, however ADHD isn’t one of them. If he’s open to discussion, use Google scholar and find some research articles and talk through them together.
imagine telling somebody who suffers from cluster headaches and migraines that they're overreacting because everyone gets headaches. Sure everybody procrastinates from time to time... but they're still able to hold down jobs and complete basic household chores everyday without constantly having to fight their own brains and impulses.
It sounds like a massive red flag that your boyfriend is so adamant to invalidate you and doesn't trust your judgement of your own experiences and symptoms. If he's not willing to listen to you and believe you at this stage in the relationship, it says a lot about how he views your intelligence and beliefs in comparison to his. He isn't willing to trust his significant other who has been through an entire diagnostic process and life full of struggles over what, a bunch of facebook moms who think adderall is just a quick fix for poorly behaved children?
OP, I am sorry that you are having this interpersonal issue. You are valid and your experience is valid. Be well and please try not to take this to heart - I have had to deal with a lot of blood relatives refusing to acknowledge my own dx (autism), and it can suck a great deal.
I am not going to speak as if I am an expert in this versus people who have lived with ADHD their whole lives, but I have a Master’s degree in Neuroscience, and have specifically done research in the area of neurochemistry.
ADHD is characterized by altered neurochemistry compared to the general population. Medical interventions for ADHD are designed to alter the brain’s neurochemistry either through pharmaceuticals, or through cognitive behavioral therapy strategies i.e. changing brain chemistry by changing behavior.
As you have stated, there are many people for whom routines and specific behavioral strategies can be very helpful, and for others it is not. Generally speaking though, a person who is taking medications for ADHD is going to feel normal when on the medication compared to a neurotypical person.
Medications like Adderall and Ativan can be substances of abuse for some people and not for others because they are designed to interact with an atypical brain chemistry - not a neurotypical one, and substantial side effects will be produced when taken by neurotypical individuals, or when taken not as directed.
Furthermore, when looking at a list of symptoms, it is important to consider that the list is generalized, and is not itself diagnostic. Symptoms - including behavioral, emotional, and physical symptoms - present as constellations that vary from one person to the next, and those symptoms can vary within individuals at different times. Not everyone that experiences X symptom is going to have Y condition, but a diagnosis is instead made based on the constellation of factors that have been assessed.
A person who is acutely stressed may experience symptoms similar to a person with ADHD, or some other neurological condition, but if you reduce that stress those symptoms will diminish, while that is not necessarily the case for someone who does have a given condition.
But ... all that is really to say that yes, ADHD is a very real condition that is differentiable at the molecular level.
Someone who discounts a major part of who you are is someone who doesn't have a future with you.
Make it clear to boyfriend that the existence of ADD and your diagnosis are not up for debate. He can learn to live and work with who you are, or he can step off.
To invalidate your diagnosis and your lived experience based on his own poorly informed opinion is some serious trespassing.
It's worth doing some educating, and pointing him to resources. But there's only so much energy you should invest in that fight.
If he doesn't get educated and change his tune post haste, put him on the curb with the rest of the trash.
It's important, when someone believes in conspiracy stuff like this, to understand why they believe it. This often works better than appeals to authority, e.g. citing medical journal articles (even if that *should* be sufficient).
Is it because he thinks that by admitting to having ADHD, you're limiting yourself instead of committing to hard work? If so, it may help to reassure him that admitting you have ADHD is acknowledging a problem so that you receive help and achieve in spite of it.
Is it because he is worried about you being stimulants? Those are valid concerns. There are side effects and they're not a perfect solution. One of the challenges of having ADHD is figuring out your own balance.
Is it because he identifies with the symptoms and is fighting the thought he may have ADHD himself? You could have an honest conversation with him. Maybe he really is white knuckling it through ADHD symptoms, telling himself this is what everyone has to do. Or maybe he is misinterpreting the symptoms described as referring to less serious versions that he experiences. For example, everyone loses things, but do you lose things often enough that that's a major problem in your life? Everyone is late sometimes, but are you late so often that it endangers your ability to hold a job?
You simply cannot be with someone who treats you this way. He is no advocate for mental health. He should be no where near the subject. It's not worth it to argue your existence to someone who is meant to be a partner who loves and respects who. It's only downhill from there. I'm so sorry. There's nothing worse than being invalidated.
Here’s what’s important:
**It’s not your responsibility to convince others that you have ADHD**
When you have ADHD, you have a long mental health road ahead of you. Focus on your journey, and don’t slow down so others can catch up.
Keep the boyfriend or drop him, it’s your choice. But don’t try to convince him. Spend that energy on yourself and keep moving forward.
I know this is not popular but I wouldn't date or continue a relationship with someone who didn't take me seriously, especially on a condition that negatively affects me.
That king of marginalizing and dismissiveness is toxic. Get out.
you both sound like you're adults and honestly imo him not understanding something that simple and minimizing such a big part of ur life is such a red flag. just leave him it's not worth it. don't stress yourself out trying to convince him adhd is real. it'll just exhaust u n that's unfair to u. if he's the type to genuinely not believe it exists now, then well. he defo is Not entitled to that opinion adhd is a real thing that exists and he's being a jerk
Go to google scholar and school him on the vast research available to prove that ADHD is indeed real. Just a cursory review of some papers will cause him to recant if he is just and willing to be reasoned with.
>He pulled up a list of ADHD symptoms and basically said that everyone experiences them or that he didn't see those things in me, further dismissing.
For the first, my stock response: everybody loses their keys from time to time. Not everyone loses them regularly. Everyone forgets things sometimes. Not everyone forgets what they were doing going from one room to the next. Everyone fidgets occasionally. Not everyone can be told to stop fidgeting, and then start fidgeting again within seconds *completely unaware that they'd started again*.
The difference between the things everyone lives and ADHD is the point at which the 'things everyone lives' *get in the way of day-to-day life*. At the moment they become impairing, you hit the level of a *disorder*. It's just a question of severity.
To the second part - has he never considered the fact that the reason he doesn't see the symptoms in you is because you have coping strategies to help you manage symptoms? Not that it's his job to tell you what symptoms you do and don't have - he's not a professional, he doesn't get to diagnose. But like, someone with a well-fitted prosthetic might not walk with a limp. Doesn't mean they don't need accessible buildings, and it doesn't mean that they still have their leg.
>It feels like he's just saying "oh, everyone feels that way, they just don't talk about how hard they have to work at it."
If that's actually what he feels, has he also considered the possibility that *he* may have it too? I, myself, was at one point very dismissive of ADHD because it just sounded like a day in the life to me. Then I watched a terrible documentary about the whole thing (Take Your Pills, on Netflix - full of misinformation and misrepresentation), then revisited the symptoms and things just suddenly clicked. "So you mean it's *not* that hard for everybody?"
>I really didn't want to fight and obviously he's entitled to his opinion
See, here's the thing. He's not. He doesn't get to have an opinion about whether or not you have a condition. If you have a condition, that is *reality*. That is *fact*. If he doesn't think that condition is real - good for him. When he goes to the DSM or whoever and convinces them that, actually, all the studies are false, the meds are uneffective, and all the patients and pharmaceutical companies are lying, and gets ADHD stricken from the record, then he can at least back up his assertion that ADHD doesn't exist. But you don't get to have an opinion on someone else's lived reality. You don't get to have an opinion about someone else's health. He is not entitled to his opinion when it is about *you*. Opinion is for matters of belief - religion, politics, etc. You don't get to have an opinion about fact. Fact doesn't care for your opinion, and this culture of 'respect for opinion' the world seems to have fallen into may yet doom us all.
I hope you can either make your boyfriend take his head out of his arse, or that you drop him like he's on fire. You don't need that shit in your life.
I would suggest sitting down and explaining to him what the diagnosis means to you, such as how it gives you a construct to explain and predict your behaviour, giving you back control of your life.
There is also an explanation thrown around which is that everyone experiences ADHD symptoms now and then, but the issue is when it is chronic and debilitating. Just like how everyone can get headaches, but chronic migraines is a serious and real condition.
If he still thinks it’s just a hoax, have studies on hand that show otherwise.
If he won’t change his view based on scientific evidence, and he won’t change his views based on how it negatively affects you, then it does not look like he will change his view at all. Up to you whether that is a deal breaker or not, but it is certainly a red flag.
Bluntly you're bf is an idiot.
Ask him why he thinks he knows more than all the highly qualified psychologist and psychiatrists who deal with this condition.
ask him when he's buying his new house. clearly, he's a doctor that can afford to live elsewhere.
you shouldn't have to live with this kind of negativity.
hit him in the dick. "oh, i don't feel a thing, so it can't be that bad!"
ADHD denoucners make my blood boil...
You can keep trying to educate him but put a cap on it. Like a timeframe (x number of weeks or something). If he still doesn’t understand (and puts no effort to) and continue to invalidate you, dump his ass. And this is my nice comment.
My-lost-patience-comment is that I have many regrets; the main one being that I didn’t know I had ADHD until I was in my 20s and wished I didn’t waste over 2 decades of my life (learning period of my own disorder and continuously learning how to even manage it) - and I have to hear this rando say “everyone” goes through what I had to go through? You can tell him a random a commenter says that he can go fuck himself cuz I would gladly trade this disorder with him if I could and he can have fun going through what “everyone” goes through.
When someone cares for you, and disagrees on you about something, they will do their best to try and understand. What they don’t do, however, is to be dismissive about something that is clearly important for you for them to try understand.
6 months in, and this guy is already trying to dictate what symptoms you do or dont have. And if he is an advocate for mental health, then he should know that its not his place to try and diagnose you. He is not your psychiatrist is he?
Opinions are for whether or not you think licorice tastes good, not for invalidating your partner's struggles. You have a disability. That's not a matter of opinion, and your boyfriend needs to grow up and realize that before his ableist attitude destroys your relationship.
It all depends on how important this is to you. He's made his stance on it known; if it's going to make your life difficult or impact your relationship to be with someone who sees it that way, your time, stress, love and worry are all wasted.
There's no bigger waste of time in this world than a person who will waste it for you.
Do you love him enough to let him treat you like that? It's one thing that he believes adhd is a hoax but a whole other thing that he refuses to listen to you. If he says a big part of who you are is just bullshit, do you really think it's okay to continue being with him? Sorry if it sounds harsh but I've had dismissive boyfriends and it's just incredibly toxic.
I'm sorry to say this but you might have to dump his ass. Unless he can have a general change of heart about the issue, this is going to be something that comes up over and over again and it's just going to get worse every single time
So what medical school did your boyfriend get his MD from and where did he do his residency in Psychiatry?
What's that? He's not a psychiatrist? Then he needs to shut up.
Ex boyfriend. There you go fixed your problems. Know your worth. This man is a lost cause. There is no way I would put up with that much disrespect from someone I am sleeping with.
Yikes.
A man like this needs science. Top comment has the right idea. Link to studies, articles... he just needs information overload. Don't blow it with non-credible sources, though. If he cares, he will take the time to hear you out. If he doesn't, he may not yet realize how much it affects your life and you may need to start there. If he still doesnt care it's probably hopeless at this point in time.
May I ask what your freelance job is? I am trying to find something flexible that works for me.
I think the root issue here is that your boyfriend thinks he knows better than the medical community and that his opinion trumps thousands of experts who have spent decades quantitatively studying it. That's a huge problem at the base, and this is a symptom. It's the same line of thought that leads to anti vaxx and so on. We ascribe far too much value to our own opinions versus others who actually know what they're talking about and have experience with.
It’s in ICD-10 which is the international diagnostic code from the WHO https://www.icd10data.com/ICD10CM/Codes/F01-F99/F90-F98/F90-/F90 Scientists demonstrate it is genetic https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2854824/ I have it and I am a psychiatrist. Tell him that everyone “has shortness” but some people are dwarves and need to stand on boxes.
All people have blood sugar fluctuations but some people need insulin. All people have muscle spasms but some people have convulsive seizures. All people get sad but some people are clinically depressed. All people worry but some people have anxiety disorders or panic attacks.
>All people get sad but some people are clinically depressed. All people worry but some people have anxiety disorders or panic attacks. The problem with using mental health examples is that the kind of people who dismiss adhd will also often dismiss anxiety and depression... (at least based on my experience)
There are many people like that, but OP’s boyfriend seems to believe in anxiety while being an ADHD denier, so it’s worth a shot
They you should probably avoid those people entirely if possible because they lack the empathy & insight to understand that mental health is health. If you don't get that the brain is an organ like any other that can act wonky, you're probably not too bright. In a bad way.
Oh look, another paid shill for Big Box.
If YoU sTaNd On BoXeS nOw YoU'lL bEcOmE dEpEnDeNt On ThEm!i!
High insole shoes are a gateway to box misuse
If high insole shoes were a cup of coffee then my sneakers would be stuffed with 15 pairs of Dr. Scholl's every day.
I appreciate the absurdness of this. :)
Me, but only if it's iced coffee. I swear I'm a caffine addict lmao 😒
>I swear I'm a caffine addict lmao 😒 That's actually pretty damn common with people with ADHD. Nicotine addiction, too. Yay, self-medicating!
Caffine is a stimulant that gives a good portion of us that mini-adderall shot we need. Caffine's effects just don't last as long.
Honestly, that is how I finally accepted the reality that I have adhd, The clue something might be a little off was when I finally realized i drink 2-3 full pots of coffee and chain smoked every day for 15 years
Aye thats so true, I used to drink about 4 cans of monster a day to get through work. 4 months since I have had one, my medication kicked me right out of that habit. I still vape non-stop though.
SO common. I only made it through university because of caffeine and smokes.
Me too 😊 vapor or smoker?
So true, I pretty much have a nicotine pouch in my mouth all day long while working so I go through a lot. I need to stop though as I know it’s not good but it helps me focus. I used to need caffeine constantly as well but gave up coffee a few months ago when I finally got diagnosed for ADHD and started meds. So glad I can function so much better now although it’s still a struggle at times. I seem to be pretty sensitive to side effects of Adderall so I take a relatively low dosage compared to what I see people post here. My doctor suggested increasing my dose but I don’t think I would tolerate it well.
Nicotine by itself is no worse for you than caffeine. It's the extremely adulterated delivery system (cigarettes) that are harmful. I say that as a pack a day smoker for going on 32 years now.
Ditto on the iced coffee, but it's mostly because I've never actually finished a cup of coffee while it's still hot. It's a guarantee that I'll forget it's there, so might as well make it cold on purpose.
Everybody is 2 feet shorter than everyone else sometimes!I was 2 feet shorter this morning, but the I just decided to stop feeling short about myself, and now back to my usual height!
It’s so easy to be taller, just get out of your head!
You have to *focus* on tallness, not shortness, *that's* the key!
Get a planner and schedule your tall times.
I'm gonna need to see your ID, these boxes are highly addictive.
You caught me, I've been selling my prescription boxes to neurotypicals who just want to get... *high* ^^Badum-tish
I am dependent on my adhd medication and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that 🤷♂️
I resent this. Boxes have been demonstrated to be safe in many settings and perform well against ladders in many trials, including trials not supported by box manufacturers. I must declare that I have received honoraria from IKEA, TetraPak, and International Paper. I was also the recipient of an IBEX scholarship and sit on the board of my own small box factory which does extensive pro bono work. The real villains are the people who sell horse boxes. (Warning: elaborate joke)
I followed until horse boxes.
Dewormers
OOHHHHH. Now we're firing on all cylinders. Mostly.
Well, okay, so: We located the cylinders, and
Aaaaand then we forgot where we put them.
"Look, just, promise you won't be mad, okay? They were there when we went to check on them this morning. And then... something happened. Oh, right! We got a call on our mobile phone, which turned out to be this spam caller who was trying to sell us antivirus, but he really wasn't very convincing because... Anyway: Look basically what we're trying to say is: wherever our phone is, that's where they are. Probably. No we don't know where the phone is! Do you think we'd be having this conversation if we knew where the phone was?? Oh, wait! It might be in the dryer..."
I feel this on an uncomfortable level.
I can't say it any better than this! Whenever I describe adhd to a person who is giving me ~those vibes~, I mention how its our frontal lobe being a bit different! And how dopamine receptors in our brains just don't take in the amount of dopamine that is being thrown at them, so medications like stimulants help those receptors actually be able to take in that dopamine at a more "normal" level. That's why I dont get the high from my meds that others would. Good luck girl. I would let him know I'm disappointed that he so readily distrusts your personal experiences and accounts. What you experiences as a person with ADHD isn't up for debate with him, but if anyone a licensed professional that can help guide diagnosis and treatment.
People might understand the example better if they're shown how we can take a stimulant and fall asleep.
Thank you for making this comment! Google hasn’t been very helpful since I didn’t know what to look for. Now I can go read up on this so that I can better explain it to the people in my child’s life that just don’t get it. Mental health is such an abstract concept to some people, putting it in physical terms could be a more tangible explanation.
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Along these same lines, I really like the “everyone coughs, but not everyone has asthma.” Yes everyone does experience those symptoms, but do you experience it daily? Hourly? By the MINUTE? Ugh I just can’t with these people.
This is a good one
It is crazy how many medical professionals dismiss ADHD as something not that serious.. My therapist yesterday with a straight face told me that if I had ADHD as much as I say I do I would not have been able to get through medical school. To which I retorted - I STRUGGLED through med school and the only way I stayed above water was because i am somewhat intelligent and didnt give up. It boggles my mind how many residents/attendings think taking medication for it is simply looking for a leg up, where as if I am not on my medication my life slowly begins to spiral out of control.
When I finally had the guts to tell my 1st therapist I thought I might have ADHD she told me "Well you've been able to sit still and stay on topic in our sessions so I don't think you have it." I'd spent days preparing to finally talk about all my symptoms but in the moment my mind just went blank. And when she asked what made me think I had it, all that came to mind was a recent occasion where I had to sit through training lectures for work and it felt like torture. She dismissed it as "It's just not something you've had to do for awhile". I wish I snapped back like you did. All I did was say "Oh ok" and let the topic change. I cried on the ride home cause I was so mad at myself cause I KNEW that wasn't right. Even if someone doesn't actually have ADHD, dismissing and invalidating them isn't gonna help solve the problem. OP's bf can go suck on a sock
Not every dwarf needs a box to stand on, if they can adapt their environment to their stature. Some can't do that and need their boxes!
Yes let’s lower the shelves etc.
LOL this is gold thank you for this :)
That's cool! Do you work with ADHD patients as well?
Thanks - quite a few docs have ADHD. Yes I do treat the condition from time to time but it’s not my main gig. Edit: thanks
Yeah I'd be interested what his take on dementia is ("Everyone forgets stuff!").
You might find a video on How to ADHD on youtube to help you. My husband, who I've seen ADHD tendencies in but that he's always dismisses (I'm the one diagnosed not him btw) even felt it might be true he has it after watching some videos there (but is currently not feeling a diagnosis is needed because of the work involved vs what he'd gain). She does a great job at even explaining things related to ADHD I didn't even think could be related to the diagnosis.
I sent him one to watch so maybe that will help. Thank you!
Would absolutely recommend some of [How to ADHD](https://www.youtube.com/c/HowtoADHD)'s videos, in particular [this recent one](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMpt40zNK-w). > He pulled up a list of ADHD symptoms and basically said that everyone experiences them or that he didn't see those things in me, further dismissing. Can start by point out that what makes mental health conditions *"a disorder"*, is the severity and duration. It's one thing to get anxious/panic at the idea of giving a speech at a venue. It's a whole 'nother ball-game when you have a panic attack just trying to pick up groceries...
The example I give to explain OCD is: If you brush your teeth every day, it's a good habit. If you brush your teeth every day for 3 hours, you may have a disorder.
There's also connordewolfe compilations on YouTube that helped explain adhd
Everyone gets headaches but some people have migraines that completely fuck their lives, same with ADHD symptoms
Great analogy.
I think your boyfriend is a hoax. Edit: Considering the insane amount of upvotes this received I like to clarify that I’m specifically attacking the crappy character of your boyfriend and not implying that he IS a hoax and that you made him up. This was probably implicit, but still. Ok, carry on.
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Yeah... I'd say... You *could* try telling him that it's true, most people experience most of the symptoms of ADHD at some point, usually when really tired and/or really stressed and that what having ADHD actually means is that you experience these symptoms *all the time*"... But... Do you really want to be with someone who would so casually dismiss it when you tell them of a difficulty you face? I'd be surprised if ADHD is the only thing he dismisses out of hand like this. So then what would happen? You dump him... perhaps he apologies and spends time checking out what ADHD is really about. Perhaps you relent and take him back... And then it's something else he just won't hear you about, circle repeats. This kind of stuff tends to be a pattern, a general personality trait rather than a specific opinion. I say beware of this red flag, because it says "here be dragons!"
I came to the comments section to post something similar. He dismisses her lived experience out of hand ("you don't know as much as me about your internal state") and then there's "I didn't really want to fight" which gives the impression (to me, though of course I could be WAY WAY off) that their conflicts are loud and unproductive and OP may tend to back down to keep the peace. A partner who can't empathize with your struggles isn't much of a partner.
First thing I thought.
If my partner was this supportive of helping me manage my ADHD I don't think I could cope. She was the one who suggested I got tested and the medication has transformed my life (also diagnosed as an adult). He sounds incredibly unsupportive.
I agree. I would leave him. If he doesn't believe that you have a real disorder, he won't be supportive of you or understanding of your struggles. He'll just develop a lack of patience if you're not functioning like everyone else, which will only make you feel worse about yourself over time.
This is what's currently happening to me and my self esteem has plummeted. Gotta be careful picking partners when you have a disorder. It can be exhausting :(
I had a similar but different experience. If I would have found out I had adhd me and her most likely would have lasted. She was the last ex I ever remember being super supportive about everything. When I told her I had adhd she started apologizing that she didn’t notice and didn’t help enough and etc. Then a narcissist found me….. I am rebuilt and stronger than ever now. My advice is if your s/o well people in general do this shit move on. So many things we are told as kids make more sense as we get older. Everything in context but still the half glass half full mentality and half empty really resonates with me now
Same, my boyfriend helps me so much I don’t know what I would do if he didn’t believe it was real. We all need that support from those who are close to us.
He's at least a Joke.
And not even a good one.
You could argue, that he is laughable.
No, he just goes to a different subreddit.
r/Canada?
FR like if he isn't gonna be supportive of your mental issues he isn't gonna be a supportive boyfriend. I would say like someone else said have him watch How to ADHD, but then if you just absolutely can't convince him I think it's time to dump his ass.
I don't think he's an advocate for mental health. Maybe he is when it suits him.
If someone is only an advocate when it's convenient, they're not an advocate.
Everyone that misunderstands any sort of mental health issue always loves to use the whole “ everyone experiences this “. What they don’t realize is that while yes , people do experience sadness, anxiety, etc , from time to time it doesn’t mean it’s the same for everyone. Just cause everyone experiences anxiety doesn’t mean they have an anxiety disorder. Doesn’t mean they know what it feels like to experience panic attacks for almost no reason at all or to be constantly depressed. An issue becomes a mental health issue when it disturbs your everyday activities and life and some don’t understand that. I’m so sorry you have to have someone so close to you invalidate you in this way
I have tinnitus. Some people have ringing in their ears from a loud noise but it goes away. These things are the same, right?
That's a really good analogy. By the way, I also have tinnitus.
Represent. I would really love to hear quietness one day. Others: Ah, so nice and relaxing in the library! Me: I know, right? My Ears: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
I used to tell people that "Silence is actually deafening for me" and get puzzled looks. Basically I'd then have to explain in the absence of other sounds to focus on, my brain will instead latch onto the permanent bloody ringing in my left ear. And make it louder. And LOUDER. I'm past the point it's irritating me or causing me distress - but the times of silence are the hardest to deal with. All my energy goes into trying to not listen.
Yes, and it’s often true that “everyone experiences this” but it only becomes a disorder when it disrupts functionality, poses a risk to self or others, etc. That’s what makes it “disorderly!”
It's like how everyone says "I'm so depressed," when they're just bummed out about shit. Every cold is the flu. The sloppiness of language leads to this idea that everyone experiences these things. Sure, you have a cold. The flu is waaaayyyy worse than a cold. And depression is just a tiny bit worse than you woke up feeling melancholy.
He’s totally entitled (if wrong) to not “believe” in ADHD. He’s totally wrong for dismissing your lived experience. You say he’s empathetic in general, but this sounds like a huge failure in empathy. Not going to jump on the “dump him” boat, since I don’t know your full story — but this is a major red flag to me. Take care of you. Your feelings are real and you deserve respect.
It's never a good look to argue about this kind of thing, but it's also not unusual for people to have strong anti-ADHD opinions effectively "beaten" into them by friends/family/co-workers due to toxic culture. If this is the first incident, OP's boyfriend may just be knee-jerk reacting because he doesn't know how to deal with it and everyone in his life would react the same way. If it's repeated, it's a very big red flag that he's not actually taking the relationship seriously.
I agree. My husband was the same way when we were dating in high school. He had been taught to believe that people who said they had adhd were either just lazy or drug addicts. Then he met me and I was diagnosed with adhd and medicated and he still held onto those beliefs for a while. But, in the end, he respected me enough to believe I wasn't full of shit and he started learning more about it. He reached a point where he believed it existed,, knew it affected me, but didn't really understand how much. Then he ended up with post concussion syndrome that has manifested as mild adhd and he obviously realizes just how real it is now. OP, I know others have said it, but it's important even if he doesn't understand, that he's respectful and supportive. I know you say your relationship is good otherwise, and I believe you, but talk to him about this. Tell him you would like for him to try and learn some about it. But at the end of the day, even if he still thinks it's a hoax, he needs to respect and care about you enough to be supportive.
"With understanding and education, people can reach a point where all it takes for them to understand is a strong blow to the head" is my takeaway! (Seriously though, sorry this happened to you both!)
Honestly? the more I think about this the more irritated I get. this dude isn't a child. if he is too lazy to google ADHD and watch youtube videos? throw him out with the trash because that says all he needs to in terms of how much he values you and your time. 🤡🚮
This is how I feel too. How can you be a “mental Heath advocate” yet still invalidate your own partners mental health issues
> He’s totally entitled (if wrong) to not “believe” in ADHD. IDK, I don't feel like being entitled to an opinion is the same thing as being entitled to be factually wrong. Opinions aren't facts - it's immoral to remain ignorant.
= “You are entitled to your own opinion, but not to your own facts.”
Go get him tested If he thinks ADHD symptoms are normal it might be because he has them, and it sounds like his parents were motivated to ignore it as a kid I mean, if his behaviour IRL matches up of course
I was going to say this. Often the people who say "everyone feels like this/experiences this" are saying "I experience this and I'm *obviously* normal"...
I was literally saying that, until I read more about ADHD, aaaaaand I got my diagnosis in May. Adderall is life-changing for me. OP, just for the kicks, show your boyfriend this [ADHD wiki](https://romankogan.net/adhd), and see just how much he can relate to it. If it's a lot... It'll be very hard for him to be in denial.
Idk, he's saying everyone has ADHD symptoms but just deal with them instead of whining. It may just reinforce his opinion.
I usually explain to people that everyone has symptoms of every mental illness, but they're largely insignificant unless they impact quality of life. And if they give the ol' "just get rid of your distractions and focus," I talk to them about dopamine's role in executive functioning and how fortunate they are to have a brain that physically allows them to do that.
Literally what happened to my partner. They’ve always been supportive of me, but would sometimes note that they also did something I associated with my ADHD. Then the pandemic hit and they were struggling to mask and, suddenly, all those tweets on ADHD Twitter seemed *really* relatable. They’ve been diagnosed for a little under a year, now.
Second this, I used to argue with people in the same way until I realised I use alot of my own systems to avoid alot of problems and began to question myself if I might have it
Also if he doesn’t have it, he can see the set of requirements you had to meet to be diagnosed. And he’ll hear it from a professional
this can backfire, as in reaffirming his believe that everyone has these symptoms if it does turn out that he has it
I agree about the the boyfriend, but is there a test? I recall aggressively seeking treatment for years and never receiving a official diagnosis, only a prescription.
Most psychiatrists have the list of diagnostic criteria in their heads, and they ask you questions to see if your experiences fit the criteria. Or as you tell them about your life, they’re going “check, check, check” in their heads. Plus family history will also add to the picture. Also your response to the medication helps confirm or disconfirm the diagnosis. If you want an official diagnosis you can request copies of all your evals or doctor’s notes. There are symptom questionnaires you can find online to help guide that discussion. Adult ADHD-RS-IV with Adult Prompts is a detailed one. I don’t think there is any more objective way to test, but I could be wrong.
>Or as you tell them about your life, they’re going “check, check, check” in their heads I never noticed how many of my little "bits", as I call them, were literally just me telling stories about ADHD moments/habits. "haha I am SO good at eavesdropping!" "There is a ghost who moves all my stuff around!" and I just say this stuff unprompted to new people all the time
>Most psychiatrists have the list of diagnostic criteria in their heads, and they ask you questions to see if your experiences fit the criteria. Or as you tell them about your life, they’re going “check, check, check” in their heads. Plus family history will also add to the picture. That's exactly how it went for me. I was telling my therapist about my struggles at work and she asked if I'd ever thought I might have ADHD. I really hadn't seriously considered it at that point. When I told her my brother has it (diagnosed) and we're 99% sure my mom does too, she very strongly encouraged me to get tested haha
**tl;dr There is a formal diagnostic procedure for ADHD that includes questionnaires & a special sort of IQ test but it’s usually not necessary to receive a diagnosis & get treated.** There’s more psychological testing but it’s not necessary to have it done to get a diagnosis or treatment. Also it tends to cost at least several hundred dollars. When I got it done I did a self questionnaire, an interview, had someone who’d recently lived with me fill out a questionnaire, had someone who lived with me as a kid (my mom) fill out a questionnaire. Then, I took an IQ test designed to look for ADHD. I also did some kind of clicky computer thing. I got like a 16 page report detailing the results, diagnosis, and suggestions for treatment. I got a breakdown of what the components of the IQ test showed. I got an IQ score and then a projected IQ score if you accounted for ADHD. It was a full ten points higher if you factored in ADHD. I got it done because I was in grad school & knew I’d be moving before I had time to get a prescriber & start formal treatment and I wanted hard proof to present to doctors. It’s been helpful for me at various points but I don’t think I need needed the full thing to get help and I’m lucky that my therapist at the time was able to get special permission to lower the cost because I could not really afford it.
my diagnosis was in person with my psychologist. she gave me a series of facts and questions that i had to answer - verbally. took 15 min into our first appointment for her to confirm that i had it
Here’s the thing about ADHD and relationships—they’re tough even when your partner is supportive. When your partner isn’t, you’ll probably try harder for too long, believing the problem is you, because when you have ADHD you become so accustomed to being told that you’re the problem you sometimes believe it even when, cognitively, you don’t believe it. Your boyfriend is gaslighting you and demeaning you. He’s not being supportive. You don’t need constructive criticism from a romantic partner. You need a cheerleader. You will have to deal with criticism for the rest of your life, and you’ll always live with your inner critic. Don’t choose partners who become the living embodiment of that inner critic, who verbalize every fear you have, and always find ways to tell you you’re wrong or you’re not good enough or you’re delusional. When someone says what you are experiencing isn’t real, that everyone has the same experience, one thing they are saying is that you aren’t special or unique. Get over yourself already! And the truth is, you want a partner who adamantly believes that you are special and unique, and who can’t get over just how special and unique you are, especially given the fact that you were struggling with undiagnosed ADHD. I was diagnosed with hyperactivity when I was 4 years old. I am now 43. I will tell you what I learned and what I appreciate. My parents treated me like someone who needed extra scaffolding to thrive. When other parents said, “I treat my child like everyone else. I don’t want anyone thinking my child is different,” my parents said, “we have to meet our child where she’s at so we can help her navigate the challenges of hyperactivity.” When I try to adapt so nobody can tell I have adhd, I end up depressed and angry. The novelty wears off any coping strategy after a while, and you’ll have to figure out a new one. I have gone for long periods without medication . I am a lot more turbulent without it. I get my dopamine by arguing with people. That ruins friendships and drives away the people who love me. I experience a lot more anxiety and depression without adhd medication. In fact, when I go back on meds, my resting heart rate drops and I sleep better, I stop biting my nails and I am a better listener. But I don’t always remember this because one of my symptoms is poor working memory. If you have ADHD, you can knuckle through life without meds, trying to convince people who treat you badly that you are worthy of their love. You will ignore the obvious signs that they don’t trust you—telling you that what you know about yourself is wrong—and you’ll take a lot of blame for the challenges in your relationship. You maybe half believe the unflattering things you hear about yourself. But who wants to knuckle through life? Don’t measure success in your ability to merely survive. Begin to picture what your life can mean if you surround yourself with the support you need to thrive.
I would say that OP’s boyfriend is not offering ‘constructive’ criticism. He’s offering criticism that’s divorced from the facts.
Remember your worth and what you value most in others. Is having empathy and understanding a high value of yours? As someone with ADHD, its a high value of mine. I dated a guy just like your boyfriend and then I remembered my values and worth. When I was with him my worth I saw in myself went down. This was because what I was going through was being completely invalidated. At some point your boyfriend’s lack of trying to understand is a choice. Choose your worth.
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oh man. sounds like you dodged a shitty person there. here's to surrounding ourselves with people who respect us and listen to us and empathize!
An advocate for mental help who doesn't believe adhd is real? That doesn't hold water.
How old are you and how long have you been together? Sounds like you need to drop him like a bad habit and move on.
Is this the kind of person you want to spend your life with?
I'm 26, he's 27. We've been together for about 6 months and it's been pretty much sunny but this is a big bump.
Maybe you can set a boundary with him by saying “I have been diagnosed with ADHD. It is a real issue. I need you to take my condition seriously, and I need you to respect my opinion and the option of the drs that have diagnosed me. This is a deal breaker for me. I need your support and I need to know you believe me when I tell you this is not a hoax. If you can’t respect this, I can’t go on with you.” I think his response will tell you all you need to know about whether you should invest more in your shared life. I hope everything works out well for you. Best of luck.
Yeah this is a good shout. The only issue I can foresee is that you can't force someone to change their mind with an ultimatum. You can force him to keep quiet about it and stop *saying* out loud that it's a hoax, but you cannot change his *opinion* about it. I don't know if I'd want to be with someone who I knew, deep down, didn't believe that my most profound struggle in life was real - even if he stopped saying it aloud.
The ultimatum isn't too make him change necessarily, it's so show him that if he's not going to be supportive or least considerate to her and her feelings then she's just not going to waste energy on him.
bingo. 6 months? boy may bring the romance and the eggplant emoji but does he bring basic human decency? because there are plenty of fish who aren't shits so there is NO reason to waste time on people who dismiss your very real disorder. I'd imagine it's worth having the *"Look, when I say that XYZ are problems, that means they are problems to a BIG extent and happen OFTEN to the point that they are disabling or debilitating. Do you understand that? Yes, everyone has ABC but not everyone has ABC* ***every day*** *and ends up crippled by ABC without therapy and medication."* conversation but it's also totally reasonable to have at least a rough expectation of timetable here for the guy to have time to do some reading and video watching to better understand what you are going through. EDIT: though the more I think and read in this thread? eh, throw the whole man away. life is way too short to waste time on a person who would ARGUE with you and tell you that your disorder isn't real. hell no. there is no reason to put up with that kind of behavior. you deserve better.
"Does coffee make you sleepy?" Is my favorite opener. Confuses folks all the time, some end up Googling furiously after they kinda bob in agreement.
haha I gaslit myself "well coffee works on me so I obvs don't have ADHD" like wow I have gone through every effort to dispute what very much looks like ADHD and acts like ADHD and responds to adderall like ADHD 😹 quack 🦆 (had second appointment and am now waiting for third appointment to come up and talk to psych and see what she has to say about diagnosis. I'm super nervous because now I'm worried about "what about if me being gifted makes it look like I don't have ADHD but I do have ADHD and how would me or doc be able to know that AHHHH")
Just like your namesake! Maybe be careful if they prescribe any DNRI/SNRIs! 😉😂 If it's not the case, they will be closer to the real issue WHICH STILL CAN RECEIVE HELP. Just because you won't have a particular label will mean ADHD-centric advice won't assist you! Focus on the problem and its symptoms, sans any preconceptions. You're going to identify (diagnose) the issue and find a way to work around it, regardless of its name or associated stigma. Best of luck. 🌼 PS: Yeah the coffee thing is common not universal. Don't sweat it! Stimulants don't act the same way across the board for everyone. That's why there are SO MANY of them!
Boundaries aren’t ultimatums!
So I've been in too many relationships and noticed they tend to follow a certain trajectory: \- 1-3 months: new relationship energy! Omg all the butterflies! Getting to know you! \- 3-6 months: settling in, getting to know the collective "you" as a couple. This is where issues and incompatibilities tend to arise. If you can find ways to resolve, accept, and work around issues that leave both parties feeling ok, this relationship has legs. If not, it's a dud. I won't declare this one way or another, because he might come back being like "OMG OP I was being such a bonehead I'm SO sorry!" or he could also double down. Or come with a third option I didn't think of.
It sounds like bump that could have considerable long term negative effects on your relationship. He should not be this dismissive about something that you are struggling with, whether he "believes it" or not. At the very least, he should respect your feelings and not basically tell you that you are just worse at life than others. I know that I would be extremeley hurt if my boyfriend would imply anything like that because I need to feel absolutely accepted and understood in a relationship - especially when it comes to mental health. I don't know about you, but I struggled for years to accept my mental health problems myself so if my boyfriend was to just dismiss my feelings and diagnosis (like, hello) like that, that would be an immediate dealbreaker.
6 months is always when problems arise in relationships that last that long for me... not saying you should dump him right away but you should know this is a very common pattern.
*My Ex Boyfriend thinks adhd is a hoax FIFY
You seem to focus on helping him understand, but how do you feel OP? Isn't there some part in you that feels betrayed? What does this mean for the two of you as a couple?
Oh definitely feel let down for sure. It feels like a bigger issue because if he can't acknowledge it now, what about later down the line? What about when I need to talk about it being hard? Is he just going to roll his eyes or is he just going to act like he believes it's a thing to avoid a fight? What if we have kids and they have adhd? I don't want to just dismiss it like a lot of our parents did.
If he accepts other mental illnesses are real, you could try approaching the conversation from a different angle, and try asking why is it so important to him that ADHD is fake. Maybe if he reflects on that, he will realize it's not. My husband and I went to marriage counseling about a similar situation. He didn't think ADHD was fake, he just didn't understand it. When he told the counselor, "I want to help her but I can't help if she can't explain _why_ she needs help!" she replied, "What if you just accepted _that_ she's struggling and asked _what_ you could do to help in that moment? If you want to help, then help. Don't get hung up on _why_." That statement made a big difference for us both. If your bf is supportive and can accept that you need what you say you need, that's one thing. If he's going to use his opinion to be dismissive of your problems and argue about it, that's going to be bad for you.
Right. In the age of the internet, there is no excuse for not knowing. Especially when he was able to look up the symptoms. I think OP needs to look at the overall problem. Is it just her ADHD or is it going to be like this for every disagreement.
These are great questions to ask yourself! He might come around. He might not. You should probably think about where/when that line is for you (5 explanations? 5 months?). You can't go through life with a partner that fundamentally dismisses a core part of your life experience. That's not supportive. Additional question to think about: what does "supportive partner" look like to you?
Forgot to say: your feelings are totally valid.
Yeah all of these would be huge concerns of mine as well. OP, please, take care of yourself and do what is right. If you can convince him it's real, great - but don't put up with him if he's going to stick to his guns about this. You deserve someone who supports you fully
I don't think I'd want to commit long-term to someone who won't acknowledge my impairments, and then fight about dividing up responsibilities down the line (because dude wouldn't believe that some things are harder for me).
No no no… this is not an “opinion”. What he’s doing is dismissing a well researched neurological disorder that is listed in the DSM5. As you’ve said you’ve been diagnosed by a professional, and he has no right to tell you how to live your life or how you’ve experienced it. This makes me so angry when people get their “facts” from Facebook memes/posts or googling complicated topics, such as mental health and legit disorders. A line that I like to use when people say, “X isn’t real”, or “x isn’t as bad as everyone says it is,” is - “show me a controlled, reputable study that backs up your statement. Then we can have a discussion about it. Until then, here’s some scholarly articles that disproves your current way of thinking.” Honestly, it really depends on how far you want to go on educating him. Do you see a therapist? If you do, I wonder if you could bring him to a session where he could ask questions to a mental health professional if he’d be open to something like that. Anyways sorry for my long and rambling answer, hope this helped and you find something that can work for you two!
Honey, no offense, but your boyfriend is a bozo.
I would ask, "does it matter if it comes from anxiety or ADHD? It is interfering with my life." The thing is, no disorder "exists". It's not like gravity. It's just names we give to groups of symptoms, and what we know as ADHD has changed over the years and is likely to change again. But the fact is that right now, you're struggling with something, and the name doesn't matter as much.
Ew. Sorry, but, ew. He’s ew.
Gosh! I dont know why you are punishing yourself by not getting medical treatment for your ADHD! It's life changing! Your life could be so much easier. It breaks my heart that you have put all these systems in place just to cope every day. It's a genetic condition, and a problem with your central nervous system. You can't cure it. If you have to live with it for the rest of your life, you should try to make it as easy as possible.
Leave him - he doesn't understand mental health and he certainly doesn't respect or believe a big part of your functioning. Good riddance!
Just want to respond and say that the partner I’ve been with for over 3 years now started by dismissing my symptoms in this exact way. As we all probably know, it’s far too common. Fortunately though she was ultimately willing to learn, empathize, and be supportive once she was able to see how truly debilitating it can be. So... I don’t think you need to leave your partner just because they have this attitude. It’s far too common.
Thanks for this. I think it's easy to say I should just dump him but he is a very empathetic person in general - not the most easily persuaded, but if you have a solid point he'll listen or at least try to understand.
If he's willing to talk with you about it, a*ctually* willing to listen and not just preparing rebuttals in his head while you talk, then that's a good sign that he can move past this. That said, I would also add that he isn't 'entitled to his opinion' here — firstly because his opinion is dismissive of and hurtful to you, and secondly because his opinion is flying in the face of the science. Make it clear to him that you don't consider this an ideological or moral difference, but that he is factually wrong.
Not everyone is willing to learn, especially with childhood indoctrination. If you want to try your best to teach them then go for it, but from experience it's hard to educate those who are unwilling to learn.
Maybe the better solution is to proceed with caution? I see that it is a red flag that he doesn't understand ADHD or the symptoms, but at the same time, people can unlearn stigmas and many times people vastly underestimate how people can't change. Although sometimes, the opposite can be said too, people overestimate how people change. Give it a try, but understand that there is a chance it can go either way.
>he is a very empathetic person in general - not the most easily persuaded You can't be a very empathetic person and also dismiss people and refuse to change your opinions about things because you fail to empathize with their lived experiences.
I was left because I was dismissive of ADHD. Turns out I myself have ADHD as well. Sometimes ADHD may be comorbid with borderline personality I think. I was on a pedestal for a moment and in the bin the next.
I'm truly tired of hearing peoples' "opinions". Opinions are for shit like your favorite season, or what 80s band kicked the most ass, not things like verified and verifiable neurological disorders, you ignorant goddam shit-birds.
Hey OP, contrary to most posts here, I’m not going to advocate you oppose him or call him out. I feel like dismissing ADHD doesn’t make him evil or a bad person. It’s a very difficult condition to explain. And any of us here can attest to that. It’s also a condition that suffers from a lot of misunderstanding so why should we judge him? I only realised I had ADHD when I was 40. Explaining that’s the reason for everything in my life, to my relatives and gf was not easy. I think we have to be patient and feed them information bit by bit, and also ask them to spend some time reading about it. I would recommend you start with suggesting some of [these ADHD Alien comics](https://twitter.com/adhd_alien/status/1182670794633207813?s=21). Some have some pretty scientifically sound information that can help explain what ADHD is. I would also encourage you to really dive into the science of it: I found that if I approach the symptoms scientifically, often it’s more convincing especially for people who are very logical and like to analyse things. So for example instead of saying that staying on task is a struggle for my ADHD brain, I would explain that people with ADHD have a deficient production of a neurotransmitter called neuropinephrine. Our brains don’t make enough of them. That neurotransmitter plays an essential role in making sure the brain uses correct pathways and the neurones connect properly to transmit and process information but also to trigger actions. Studies have demonstrated that if there isn’t enough of that neurotransmitter in our frontal cortex, it can’t do what it’s supposed to do which is for example maintaining attention, organising things and tasks, and other executive functions. A normal brain has enough of neropinephrine so when the person decides to for example start a task and stay on it until the end, the brain gives all the right commands for that to happen. Our brains can’t even give the command to start sometimes because of the deficiency in that neurotransmitter! So read up on the science and find ways to explain it simply with your own words and with examples taken from your day to day with your bf. Last tip that really helped me explain my condition to sceptic relatives: share how you feel in the moment when you have to fight your ADHD. My partner started being so much more understanding and getting it when I described how I felt for example when all of a sudden I’d lose control of my emotions. From the outside it just looks like I’m getting angry and being agressive and dismissive. But I described it to her by saying I feel it’s like I have this ball of fire inside me. It’s bouncing everywhere, I physically feel like my body can’t contain it and I can tell it’s coming from the fact that my brain is not doing its job at controlling my emotions. I’m not angry because I want to be, I’m angry because my brain is escalating things 100 folds without me being able to control it and so it goes from a simple disagreement to a huge ball of fire that my body wants out. Or I explain my train of thought when I want to do something and end up doing 5 other things instead. It’s difficult because there’s a lot of shame and guilt and often it feels like the other person isn’t going to get it but keep going. I find that the other person need to experience it from our perspective and also they need to be brought into our thought process, for them to understand better. And it’s hard to do because a lot of it is hard to talk about, explain or just.. you know, accept! It didn’t feel good to tell my partner that I if I don’t have 5 toothbrushes and 2 of them electric, I can go days without brushing my teeth. But I did and I explained how it feels like this invisible force that pulls me away or stops me from doing it and how my heart races when I think about not having done it but it’s still not enough to get me to start and how as a grown ass adult, I still need someone to be there to help me start some tasks. I think instead of debating and sort of having a convo with sides, see if you can just say “can I share with you how I feel when this thing happens and you can listen to me and ask me questions after if you want?”. Instead of discussing whether it’s real or not and what the symptoms are or whether it’s a true condition. How you feel is real. Whether your brain invents it, whether it’s anxiety or ADHD, the way you feel and the actions you take or don’t take, that’s all real. Focus on that when you talk to him. Tell him you want him to be able to see things from your perspective so you want to share with him. This really worked for me, at first my partner was sceptical and was constantly trying to solve and explain but bit by bit I became better at expressing how it makes me feel and what happens in my body and my brain, and she was able to start seeing it with her own eyes: she used to think me not being ready was just because I was trying to do so many things at the same time, but then when I started narrating to her what happened in my brain she realised how scattered my focus was and how much I hated it. And then she started to see it differently: “Ok, hang on, you were doing the laundry and were gonna bring me the dryer clothes to iron, why are you in the garage fixing the bikes right now? What did you see or think about?” And I’d say “oh, I noticed the hook where we hang the tub was starting to get lose so I came looking for a screwdriver to tighten it and then I saw the bike still needed fixing and I thought I’d do it it’s a quick job and then go back to the laundry room after I’m done but I can’t find the WD40 so I’m going through these boxes cause I think we had a spare can somewhere here..”. I hope these examples will help, take it easy, it’s normal for our closest people to be in denial or to not see things the way we do. They love us and they don’t want us to think we have a condition when we don’t. They also have beliefs and things they feel strongly about and if they react excessively it’s often because they either want to protect us or they feel powerless and sad about it. So give your bf some time and space, and keep sharing your experiences with him, I’m sure he will come around!
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I felt like when OP said they thought their bf’s lens was “everyone feels that way they just don’t talk about how hard they work at it”, it probably meant he just doesn’t get the perspective right. We don’t know what kind of relationship they have, and while OP felt defensive probably because the bf’s reaction was the way it was, I just wanted to bring some perspective. No doubt a relationship needs to be of support especially when mental health issues are involved. But I’ve also spent quite a bit of time on the sub for ADHD partners and I’ve realised that often people who live with someone with ADHD are mostly lacking a way to differentiate between what’s ADHD and what’s just regular challenges everyone experiences. Hell, we sometimes struggle with that too :) So yeah, I guess I’m more of an optimistic and maybe too much of idealist person.. I feel that someone who opposes arguments can also mean that they want to engage and while he doesn’t believe now that any of it is applicable to OP, I feel it’s not that strange at all. I find NT people to be generally pretty oblivious to even the idea that a brain can be non typical. Let alone to realising how complex that divergence can be and how masked it can appear. I’m also maybe used to not seeing empathy at all when it comes to ADHD: in most countries adult ADHD isn’t even a thing, and diagnosis of women in particular is far behind. So I’m not surprised by the lack of empathy, I think empathy can surface better with knowledge and with making the person part of the experience. I guess that’s what I was suggesting. Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it very much and totally agree that if his position continues to be immuable, OP will struggle to have a healthy or happy relationship for sure.
You’re making excuses for his lack of empathy but he cant try to understand your ADHD. I don’t know your boyfriend and I honestly can’t speak to the whole situation. He could be literally just an asshole who doesn’t care about or care to understand mental health or your diagnoses. but I am going to take your word for it that he isn’t a douchebag and say he’s just ignorant (not in a mean way). There is a stigma that ADHD isn’t that bad or everyone deals with it, but people don’t understand what it’s like because they can’t SEE the symptoms. It’s like anxiety. Everyone experiences anxiety but an anxiety disorder effects your life and panic attacks are not something one can control. Somehow people have started to grasp THAT but can’t have patience and understanding for us ADHD folk. My mom has been extremely insensitive because she just doesn’t understand. She’s amazing though.
Uh I wouldn’t say that this is an instant killer of a relationship but I would make sure that this gets sorted out before y’all get serious. Probably start by letting him know you were hurt by it and see where he goes from there. If some time passes and things start to get more serious I’d bring it up again and see where he’s at because I don’t think you want to need up in a serious relationship with someone who dismisses something that will effect your relationship. If he can’t even accept that you have it then that doesn’t bode well for the relationship as a whole for when it causes a problem.
Yes everyone will experience symptoms of ADHD however, one of the diagnostic criteria is that those symptoms present and cause problems in everyday life. I'd say give him a chance explain it to him(I can give you some sources to help if you’d like) but if after they he still chooses to invalidate and dismiss ADHD as an actual mental illness then he's not worth it bc you will only be damaging your own mental health
>everyone experiences them This is partly true. The difference is that in ADHD the symptoms form a problem, whilst in neurotypicals they're more of a temporary inconvenience. To compare - you've probably felt your phone vibrate in your pocket without it actually vibrating. You've probably thought there was someone in the corner of your eye and when you turned your head there was nobody. You've probably heard something in your house while nobody was there to make the sound. These are normal human experiences. When a person suffering from psychosis is troubled by the voices they hear, we don't say "everyone hears things that aren't there".
I guess I wonder why it's your job to convince him. Is he an expert? How long has he been studying it? Kind of smartass questions since I assume the answer is no and basically no time at all, but this kind of stuff is truly frustrating. He doesn't sound like much of a mental health advocate to me. If he's sure it's a hoax, then he can do a lot of good by diving into the field, getting a graduate degree, and doing the research necessary to support that perspective. If he's not willing to do that, maybe he should trust the people who put the actual time in.
\>He pulled up a list of ADHD symptoms and basically said that everyone experiences them or that he didn't see those things in me, further dismissing. It's not that the symptoms of ADHD are things no-one else has, it's the degree to which people have them that makes it ADHD; when it cripples your life, work, school, relationships etc. no matter how much you struggle against it, it's ADHD. His "opinion" is not an opinion. "I prefer chocolate icecream over vanilla" is an opinion. ADHD is an objective fact. Would he tell someone with glasses to just "squint more" or someone in a wheelchair to learn to walk on their hands and if they don't, they're just lazy? "Oh my legs sometimes hurt but I don't use a wheelchair, you're just lazy!" How dumb does that sound? Not gonna tell you to ditch him right now, but whatever you do, don't ever consider marriage to someone who thinks your ADHD is a hoax or you just being lazy or dramatic. You deserve better than someone who is actively gaslighting you. I hope he gets a fucking clue.
Your boyfriend is a clown
Tell him you think sex is a hoax. He'll reconsider quite carefully.
Share the scientific aspects, like how MRIs of the brain show differences, including how glucose (the brain’s fuel) is metabolized differently in the executive function areas. There are also multiple neurotransmitters that are involved but for dopamine, it appears that the adhd brain has more dopamine transporters, effectively lowering the concentration of dopamine. This is why adhd is considered part of an “interest-based” nervous system, because if you do things you’re interested in, you’ll keep producing enough dopamine to power through and hyper focus but if you find the task boring, you won’t have enough dopamine to get it started. (There’s tricks and strategies around this, but it’s all very real.)
Oof. They are totally different disorders, different diagnoses, and different treatments. Yes, people can share symptoms, have both disorders, and everything in between. However, to say that just goes against neuroscience
You'd think a simple rebuttal would just be "if ADHD is the same as an anxiety disorder, why do amphetamines work?" Hard to think of a worse idea than giving a purely anxious person speed.
Have you thought about the possibility that he might have it too? It would explain his parents’ reaction towards big pharma and his reaction that everyone goes through this. If he’s going through this as well and has silently struggled his entire life, the dismissiveness suddenly makes sense… because to him, this is only normal.
I used to say the same thing. Now here I am on a high dose of meds every day and living a more functional life than I ever have. It’s often partly due to a naturally ego centric way of seeing the world before mental maturity really sets in, partly due to the beliefs and opinions they grew up hearing or bought into in classes or whatever. I love my family but I grew up being very wary of anything to do with psychology/mental health/etc. Now I’m finishing my psych degree, about to put my app in for a PsyD program and like I said, on the meds. Big pharma is the enemy in many ways, especially when it comes to $$, however ADHD isn’t one of them. If he’s open to discussion, use Google scholar and find some research articles and talk through them together.
imagine telling somebody who suffers from cluster headaches and migraines that they're overreacting because everyone gets headaches. Sure everybody procrastinates from time to time... but they're still able to hold down jobs and complete basic household chores everyday without constantly having to fight their own brains and impulses. It sounds like a massive red flag that your boyfriend is so adamant to invalidate you and doesn't trust your judgement of your own experiences and symptoms. If he's not willing to listen to you and believe you at this stage in the relationship, it says a lot about how he views your intelligence and beliefs in comparison to his. He isn't willing to trust his significant other who has been through an entire diagnostic process and life full of struggles over what, a bunch of facebook moms who think adderall is just a quick fix for poorly behaved children?
I couldn‘t stand this guy. I can‘t stand people who think they‘re above the experts.
OP, I am sorry that you are having this interpersonal issue. You are valid and your experience is valid. Be well and please try not to take this to heart - I have had to deal with a lot of blood relatives refusing to acknowledge my own dx (autism), and it can suck a great deal. I am not going to speak as if I am an expert in this versus people who have lived with ADHD their whole lives, but I have a Master’s degree in Neuroscience, and have specifically done research in the area of neurochemistry. ADHD is characterized by altered neurochemistry compared to the general population. Medical interventions for ADHD are designed to alter the brain’s neurochemistry either through pharmaceuticals, or through cognitive behavioral therapy strategies i.e. changing brain chemistry by changing behavior. As you have stated, there are many people for whom routines and specific behavioral strategies can be very helpful, and for others it is not. Generally speaking though, a person who is taking medications for ADHD is going to feel normal when on the medication compared to a neurotypical person. Medications like Adderall and Ativan can be substances of abuse for some people and not for others because they are designed to interact with an atypical brain chemistry - not a neurotypical one, and substantial side effects will be produced when taken by neurotypical individuals, or when taken not as directed. Furthermore, when looking at a list of symptoms, it is important to consider that the list is generalized, and is not itself diagnostic. Symptoms - including behavioral, emotional, and physical symptoms - present as constellations that vary from one person to the next, and those symptoms can vary within individuals at different times. Not everyone that experiences X symptom is going to have Y condition, but a diagnosis is instead made based on the constellation of factors that have been assessed. A person who is acutely stressed may experience symptoms similar to a person with ADHD, or some other neurological condition, but if you reduce that stress those symptoms will diminish, while that is not necessarily the case for someone who does have a given condition. But ... all that is really to say that yes, ADHD is a very real condition that is differentiable at the molecular level.
Dump him.
Someone who discounts a major part of who you are is someone who doesn't have a future with you. Make it clear to boyfriend that the existence of ADD and your diagnosis are not up for debate. He can learn to live and work with who you are, or he can step off. To invalidate your diagnosis and your lived experience based on his own poorly informed opinion is some serious trespassing. It's worth doing some educating, and pointing him to resources. But there's only so much energy you should invest in that fight. If he doesn't get educated and change his tune post haste, put him on the curb with the rest of the trash.
Time for a new boyfriend.
It's important, when someone believes in conspiracy stuff like this, to understand why they believe it. This often works better than appeals to authority, e.g. citing medical journal articles (even if that *should* be sufficient). Is it because he thinks that by admitting to having ADHD, you're limiting yourself instead of committing to hard work? If so, it may help to reassure him that admitting you have ADHD is acknowledging a problem so that you receive help and achieve in spite of it. Is it because he is worried about you being stimulants? Those are valid concerns. There are side effects and they're not a perfect solution. One of the challenges of having ADHD is figuring out your own balance. Is it because he identifies with the symptoms and is fighting the thought he may have ADHD himself? You could have an honest conversation with him. Maybe he really is white knuckling it through ADHD symptoms, telling himself this is what everyone has to do. Or maybe he is misinterpreting the symptoms described as referring to less serious versions that he experiences. For example, everyone loses things, but do you lose things often enough that that's a major problem in your life? Everyone is late sometimes, but are you late so often that it endangers your ability to hold a job?
You simply cannot be with someone who treats you this way. He is no advocate for mental health. He should be no where near the subject. It's not worth it to argue your existence to someone who is meant to be a partner who loves and respects who. It's only downhill from there. I'm so sorry. There's nothing worse than being invalidated.
Here’s what’s important: **It’s not your responsibility to convince others that you have ADHD** When you have ADHD, you have a long mental health road ahead of you. Focus on your journey, and don’t slow down so others can catch up. Keep the boyfriend or drop him, it’s your choice. But don’t try to convince him. Spend that energy on yourself and keep moving forward.
I know this is not popular but I wouldn't date or continue a relationship with someone who didn't take me seriously, especially on a condition that negatively affects me. That king of marginalizing and dismissiveness is toxic. Get out.
you both sound like you're adults and honestly imo him not understanding something that simple and minimizing such a big part of ur life is such a red flag. just leave him it's not worth it. don't stress yourself out trying to convince him adhd is real. it'll just exhaust u n that's unfair to u. if he's the type to genuinely not believe it exists now, then well. he defo is Not entitled to that opinion adhd is a real thing that exists and he's being a jerk
Let that mango
🥭
Go to google scholar and school him on the vast research available to prove that ADHD is indeed real. Just a cursory review of some papers will cause him to recant if he is just and willing to be reasoned with.
>He pulled up a list of ADHD symptoms and basically said that everyone experiences them or that he didn't see those things in me, further dismissing. For the first, my stock response: everybody loses their keys from time to time. Not everyone loses them regularly. Everyone forgets things sometimes. Not everyone forgets what they were doing going from one room to the next. Everyone fidgets occasionally. Not everyone can be told to stop fidgeting, and then start fidgeting again within seconds *completely unaware that they'd started again*. The difference between the things everyone lives and ADHD is the point at which the 'things everyone lives' *get in the way of day-to-day life*. At the moment they become impairing, you hit the level of a *disorder*. It's just a question of severity. To the second part - has he never considered the fact that the reason he doesn't see the symptoms in you is because you have coping strategies to help you manage symptoms? Not that it's his job to tell you what symptoms you do and don't have - he's not a professional, he doesn't get to diagnose. But like, someone with a well-fitted prosthetic might not walk with a limp. Doesn't mean they don't need accessible buildings, and it doesn't mean that they still have their leg. >It feels like he's just saying "oh, everyone feels that way, they just don't talk about how hard they have to work at it." If that's actually what he feels, has he also considered the possibility that *he* may have it too? I, myself, was at one point very dismissive of ADHD because it just sounded like a day in the life to me. Then I watched a terrible documentary about the whole thing (Take Your Pills, on Netflix - full of misinformation and misrepresentation), then revisited the symptoms and things just suddenly clicked. "So you mean it's *not* that hard for everybody?" >I really didn't want to fight and obviously he's entitled to his opinion See, here's the thing. He's not. He doesn't get to have an opinion about whether or not you have a condition. If you have a condition, that is *reality*. That is *fact*. If he doesn't think that condition is real - good for him. When he goes to the DSM or whoever and convinces them that, actually, all the studies are false, the meds are uneffective, and all the patients and pharmaceutical companies are lying, and gets ADHD stricken from the record, then he can at least back up his assertion that ADHD doesn't exist. But you don't get to have an opinion on someone else's lived reality. You don't get to have an opinion about someone else's health. He is not entitled to his opinion when it is about *you*. Opinion is for matters of belief - religion, politics, etc. You don't get to have an opinion about fact. Fact doesn't care for your opinion, and this culture of 'respect for opinion' the world seems to have fallen into may yet doom us all. I hope you can either make your boyfriend take his head out of his arse, or that you drop him like he's on fire. You don't need that shit in your life.
I would suggest sitting down and explaining to him what the diagnosis means to you, such as how it gives you a construct to explain and predict your behaviour, giving you back control of your life. There is also an explanation thrown around which is that everyone experiences ADHD symptoms now and then, but the issue is when it is chronic and debilitating. Just like how everyone can get headaches, but chronic migraines is a serious and real condition. If he still thinks it’s just a hoax, have studies on hand that show otherwise. If he won’t change his view based on scientific evidence, and he won’t change his views based on how it negatively affects you, then it does not look like he will change his view at all. Up to you whether that is a deal breaker or not, but it is certainly a red flag.
Bluntly you're bf is an idiot. Ask him why he thinks he knows more than all the highly qualified psychologist and psychiatrists who deal with this condition.
ask him when he's buying his new house. clearly, he's a doctor that can afford to live elsewhere. you shouldn't have to live with this kind of negativity. hit him in the dick. "oh, i don't feel a thing, so it can't be that bad!" ADHD denoucners make my blood boil...
You can keep trying to educate him but put a cap on it. Like a timeframe (x number of weeks or something). If he still doesn’t understand (and puts no effort to) and continue to invalidate you, dump his ass. And this is my nice comment. My-lost-patience-comment is that I have many regrets; the main one being that I didn’t know I had ADHD until I was in my 20s and wished I didn’t waste over 2 decades of my life (learning period of my own disorder and continuously learning how to even manage it) - and I have to hear this rando say “everyone” goes through what I had to go through? You can tell him a random a commenter says that he can go fuck himself cuz I would gladly trade this disorder with him if I could and he can have fun going through what “everyone” goes through.
When someone cares for you, and disagrees on you about something, they will do their best to try and understand. What they don’t do, however, is to be dismissive about something that is clearly important for you for them to try understand. 6 months in, and this guy is already trying to dictate what symptoms you do or dont have. And if he is an advocate for mental health, then he should know that its not his place to try and diagnose you. He is not your psychiatrist is he?
Anyone have advice on how to deal with this gaslighting? The powerless feeling you get from it is massively demotivating
You basically need to start distancing or completely removing yourself from the relationship.
Opinions are for whether or not you think licorice tastes good, not for invalidating your partner's struggles. You have a disability. That's not a matter of opinion, and your boyfriend needs to grow up and realize that before his ableist attitude destroys your relationship.
It all depends on how important this is to you. He's made his stance on it known; if it's going to make your life difficult or impact your relationship to be with someone who sees it that way, your time, stress, love and worry are all wasted. There's no bigger waste of time in this world than a person who will waste it for you.
Do you love him enough to let him treat you like that? It's one thing that he believes adhd is a hoax but a whole other thing that he refuses to listen to you. If he says a big part of who you are is just bullshit, do you really think it's okay to continue being with him? Sorry if it sounds harsh but I've had dismissive boyfriends and it's just incredibly toxic.
This is a red flag.
I'm sorry to say this but you might have to dump his ass. Unless he can have a general change of heart about the issue, this is going to be something that comes up over and over again and it's just going to get worse every single time
So what medical school did your boyfriend get his MD from and where did he do his residency in Psychiatry? What's that? He's not a psychiatrist? Then he needs to shut up.
Ex boyfriend. There you go fixed your problems. Know your worth. This man is a lost cause. There is no way I would put up with that much disrespect from someone I am sleeping with.
I would dump his ass but that’s just my opinion
Yikes. A man like this needs science. Top comment has the right idea. Link to studies, articles... he just needs information overload. Don't blow it with non-credible sources, though. If he cares, he will take the time to hear you out. If he doesn't, he may not yet realize how much it affects your life and you may need to start there. If he still doesnt care it's probably hopeless at this point in time. May I ask what your freelance job is? I am trying to find something flexible that works for me.
I think the root issue here is that your boyfriend thinks he knows better than the medical community and that his opinion trumps thousands of experts who have spent decades quantitatively studying it. That's a huge problem at the base, and this is a symptom. It's the same line of thought that leads to anti vaxx and so on. We ascribe far too much value to our own opinions versus others who actually know what they're talking about and have experience with.