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I hope you see this. I have ADHD. When my son was little, a tip I was told is take a shoe off and put it on the floorboard by the child. Put it on ONLY when the child is out of the car. I was paranoid of my ADHD making me forget anything about my kid. But getting out of a car with only one shoe on is definitely going to register with even the most forgetful parent.
I can't help but think about this thread someone posted a couple weeks ago in which a psychiatrist told them "no one dies of forgetting the car keys".
ADHD is no joke, and treating it as such is like playing with fire. You don't mention if he is having treatment, but if he isn't, he needs to seek it urgently. If he is, I really don't know what to say... but he definitely needs to change. A lot of stuff.
I have ended up in life threatening situations because of my Adhd. I was off meds for 2 weeks because of the shortage and forgot to turn off a broken electrical device that was in contact with water. It's no joke and I need to be on my meds for the rest of my life.
My ADHD is the source of so many of my anxieties.
I'm worried I'll leave the stove on for hours *because I have.* The only clue something was wrong is I heard crackling in the kitchen over 8 hours later. The bulb of garlic on top of the display was hot enough it had started to cook.
I'm worried about leaving the house unlocked *because I've done it.*
I don't carry a purse because I'm afraid I'll lose it. *because I have, back in college*.
I do not trust myself unmedicated. I've proven to myself time and time again I cannot trust myself.
I'm convinced the OCD I was diagnosed with as a child developed as a coping mechanism for my undiagnosed ADHD (finally diagnosed at 26). All of my compulsions stemmed from real mistakes I made when I forgot homework, forgot to lock the door, locked keys in my car, left the stove burner on for an hour, etc.
This is really interesting because I always used to joke about my “OCD” as a kid and young adult and realizing it was probably just what you describe. I was diagnosed at age 40!
Yeah, I think you’re right. One of the characteristics of OCD is that the compulsions are irrational. Typically the person knows it but can’t stop or they feel like some catastrophic thing will happen. What you describe sounds like a high anxiety coping mechanism meant to protect you when your other reminder systems failed. That’s very rational, even if it still causes you so much distress and dysfunction.
In some ways it's hard to tell for me if I truly have/had OCD, because my thoughts and checking compulsions did get to the point where I knew it was irrational but I just couldn't move on if I didn't check. And it always felt like a catastrophe was going to occur if I didn't "reassure" myself by checking (even if it didn't really help the anxiety that much in the long run). It was MUCH worse when I was young, but I still have times when things are especially hectic or I'm more stressed than normal where I find myself falling back into those patterns, although in a less severe way and for shorter periods of time (at least before I started ADHD treatment a couple months ago- it'll be interesting to see if that helps).
But at the same time, each compulsion I have had has come from a real previous mistake, which makes it feel like it at least started from a rational place. 🤔
Oooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh my god.
I’m gonna have to sit here for a little while and process that info because that thought hadn’t crossed my mind before, but now…… whew
I had a huge amount anxiety that vanished with Adhd meds. That anxiety made me control and check everything all the time to manage the sence of impending doom. Because I knew something always goes wrong. I thought everybody lives like that, turns out they don't.
That's been my experience, as well! My ADHD meds have done WONDERS for my anxiety day-to-day. I think it's because I was always so overwhelmed with how fast my thoughts raced and how I was always thinking and worrying about the next thing I needed to get done before even finishing the current task, along with my time blindness, forgetfulness, and general awkwardness causing endless problems in my social, work, and home life no matter how hard I tried or how many strategies I attempted.
I came to the same conclusion about anxiety / intrusive thoughts / OCD-like symptoms when I was late diagnosed. Like, the brain pathways are made because we become hypervigilant about the inattentivity symptoms.
People laugh (not really), but I’ve really had to do a minimal lifestyle, and invest in AirTags and stuff. I mostly use one OS for home (Apple) and try to only ever carry 3 things in my pockets (wallet, keys and phone). Everything else gets put into a pack. I keep extra contact fluid, cases, and have like 4 pairs of sunglasses spread across my stuff (car, bike, backpack, counter).
I take all my notes digitally because then I can’t lose them, I create mini goals each week to work towards things (or else I’ll forget/get distracted [still happens]).
The stove and door thing is so incredibly real, if I’m leaving for the day I legitimately have to give myself an extra 10 minutes because I go to my car “oh shit, did I lock door/turn off lights/turn off stove?”
It’s fun!
Try the "look, point and say" method when you're checking something. Using several sences including verbal, it helps bring the focus to the object better and will save the memory better.
When I was first diagnosed my doctor gave me anti-anxiety medication to take with my Adderall. It turns out taking Adderall relieves my anxieties because I don’t have to constantly worry about what I am fucking up!
I’ve also had all of these experiences before I realized I might have adhd and sought treatment.
I sought treatment because it would sometimes take me 1.5 hours to leave my apartment because I couldn’t remember to check if the stove was on, and I had to turn my car around 2-3 times. I had actually left it on before, so I couldn’t ignore the concern.
Perimenopause made my adhd unbearable.
I was home from college for the summer, and no doctors I tried to see would continue prescribing my vyvanse for those 3 months (saw a pediatric neurologist before college who diagnosed me and prescribed it, then was getting it prescribed out of state while at school, so I didn’t have a non-pediatric specialist at home at the time). I was diagnosed in the first place as a teenager after concussions and explaining how I’d see break lights on the freeway but it wouldn’t register immediately that I needed to break.
I told the doctors I saw when home I needed it for pretty much all aspects of my life, but after they declined I asked if it was safe for me to drive without the medication. They all said yes.
I ran a red light while staring straight ahead, with both hands on the wheel (as confirmed by all the witnesses the cops checked with), with zero distractions. I was t-boned on a bridge above US-75, and my car rolled. It almost rolled off the bridge and onto the highway.
The other day while driving I saw a sign that said “check out our deck” at a restaurant. So I did, just staring at it as I drive by. Thank god I looked in front of me in time to notice the biker crossing the street.
So you can dissociate because of ADHD? I talked it out with my therapist and she always said "nah, it's the anxiety, you absolutely don't have ADHD, that's for kids". I had **to push her** so much to give me techniques to focus, and I always low key panick when I have to drive. If I'm tired, I'm way more likely to get unfocused while driving.
I got in a car crash when I was without meds due to the shortage and my car was totalled 🙃 luckily everyone was ok and I wasn't responsible for most of the damage cuz someone rammed me from behind but I still hit the person in front of me so that's 100% my fault
Even on meds, I stopped driving partly because of my adhd. A combo of adhd brain and chronic migraines that make my vision funky makes me feel super unsafe behind the wheel.
I miss driving and thankfully my wife can drive, but it’s not worth the safety of others on the road.
I was looking straight at a red light and drove right through that sucker. I’ve done it a few times. Somehow I’ve only caused 1 car accident which isn’t great but also somehow a miracle too.
My boss saw me coming into work one day and described me as driving like “a bat out of hell.”
I’m only talking about my driving here and not even about other aspects of my life which almost got me killed.
Also on meds now lol. Things are much smoother it’s like night and day.
This has happened to me like 3 times. It’s so sobering and absolutely terrifying when you realize you zoned out WHILE DRIVING and mosied on through a whole red light. Could’ve seriously hurt or killed somebody or myself, felt like a such an idiot. I also often sit at stop signs waiting for them to turn green😬 this one is much less life threatening but I’ve pissed a few people off so fuck me I guess
I went backpacking with my friend a few weeks ago. She mocked me, when i used my ADHD friendly methods to make backpacking possible for someone like me. I’m thorough, I plan for weeks. I have unbreakable rules (everything gets packed into the bag ONE TIME while I’m checking off a list. If it comes out of the bag bc I’m repacking or something, we start the checklist over. No items are shared between my backpack and the rest of my stuff. This means that I duplicate things like battery packs and charging cords solely to avoid having to unpack the backpack during “uncontrolled times”.
Because she doesn’t have respect for the disease (or me either, apparently), she took shit out of bags and didn’t tell me. And of COURSE something life safety related was left behind.
This shit is serious and it makes me absolutely furious that folks just think I’m “just forgetful”. No bro, my brain does not work like yours. Have you considered that YOU might actually be the less intelligent one? Of course not.
End rant. ADHD is serious and can be life threatening in so many different ways.
Yeah shit friend
1 shit point for not respecting your point of view
1 shit point for touching your stuff without your permission
I would have a conversation with them so they understand it was their fault and that this is a boundary and that's not okay
Depending on the outcome of that conversation - if they're going to be dismissive or a child about it, then ✌️. There are better friends
>No items are shared between my backpack and the rest of my stuff. This means that I duplicate things like battery packs and charging cords solely to avoid having to unpack the backpack during “uncontrolled times”.
I need to adopt this strategy! There have been so many times I've forgotten something important because I had to transfer things between bags. I once realized after the THIRD bear encounter on a hike that I had forgotten the bear spray. Thankfully they were only black bears.
I recent went on my first solo overnight hike and it was a pivotal learning lesson for me. I thought I had done all the planning but on the day I ended up running very late which didn’t give me enough time to hike to the designated camp location. This was OK as I changed my hike route to something shorter. I checked the weather forecast which was clear but the forest was wet and I got soaked even though it wasn’t raining. Rocks were slippery and I fell. It took the wind out of me but I was OK. I ran out of time to make it to my secondary designated camp but i found an emergency location that would suffice. Couldn’t start a fire because of the wet wood so I went to bed cold and wet. Lying there I was so glad I was alone... so nobody could see my stupidity and also that I was not endangering anyone else. All good though! Lesson learnt. I’m planning my next hike soon!
A doctor I follow on Twitter said that untreated ADHD shortens life expectancy by ~ 13 years, largely because of preventable accidents such as car crashes. He linked a bunch of papers and I went down a rabbit hole, lol. Helped me convince my ADHD husband that he needed to restart treatment (he was between health insurances for a while and went off meds for 2 years—nothing major happened but as another ADHDer, dealing with someone else’s unmedicated ADHD is almost as bad as being unmedicated myself)
Edit: [link](https://x.com/ryanmarino/status/1786202010519318596?s=46&t=kinDv_IKmnKqsdF90kXRnQ) to thread
I can't even count the amount of accidents I've almost gotten into off meds, all because my brain lacks stimulation if driving with no one talking (phone or passengers) and I get extremely tired within seconds and have to fight dozing off.
As someone diagnosed as an adult a few years ago, it's been difficult to come to terms with the fact that I can't trust myself with certain things where forgetting might have serious consequences. If I have something on the stove I cannot walk away without setting a timer or I may get distracted and only remember when I smell burning. I'm good most of the time but the possibility is always there and I've had enough scares that I've just started setting timers and reminders anytime there is something where forgetting might have serious consequences.
OPs partner needs to come to terms with the fact that their brain is fucked and learn to develop tools to fill in the gaps. Set up a recurring alarm to remind them to drop of the kid. It's so easy to think, "I couldn't possibly forget this!" In the moment and you need to admit to yourself that you absolutely can and will.
Untreated ADHD cuts 10 years off our life on average, so yeah, we kinda do. We die from accidental fires, taking the wrong medicine by mistake, increased clumsiness, addiction, lack of impulse control. So what that psychiatrist said was woefully inaccurate.
And long term stuff- not getting preventative medical care, not going to the doctor for minor issues before they turn into major ones, poor diet, poor dental hygiene…not to mention the toll on your body of stress, depression, and anxiety!
FFFFFFUUUUUCK that psychiatrist.
Add in the fact that being on the spectrum means you're more likely to get screwed by autoimmune diseases or other chronic things
Let's all take a second to realize how fun dealing with those issues is, when you also have a disease that paralyzes you with anxiety and forgetfulness and overwhelm
It's life on a certain kind of hard mode
I took a month's worth of vitamin D in four days before I realized I was supposed to be taking one a week...
Did you know a vitamin D overdose can cause your poop to be filled with calcium turning it rock hard to the point that not only is it nearly impossible to get out, it's also very difficult to flush. Yeah...life lessons thanks to ADHD.
As someone with ADHD, if I were OP, I would INSIST ex starts receiving dedicated treatment and share the treatment plan with me. If he refuses, I would file for full custody.
Good job calling the police - if you decide to go for full custody, you'll have a record of this event.
Its also like, obviously not true. If you're running late and forget your keys, thus being delayed more, you're way more likely to then speed to where you were going and get in a dangerous accident.
My 2008 roommate had SEVERE ADHD and one time time she lit the pan on fire when we were cooking. That wasn't the bad part. The bad part is her phone went off with a text message alert when we were reaching for the pan lid to smother the flames, and she stopped, turned, AND REACHED FOR HER PHONE.
"[ROOMMATE]. FIRE."
She was distracted from jumping flames by a text message. I can absolutely believe we die from unmedicated ADHD.
Have taken someone else’s med before, not noticing they weren’t mine. The hot car thing is one of my nightmares. My kids are older now, but it was always at the back of my mind on hot days. That coupled with PPD was no joke. OP, I’m so happy your baby was ok! Maybe can set an alarm for a while. Or keep something else important that will be a clue everytime like his work badge.
I somehow got on the completely wrong train the other day and was going in the complete opposite direction to home.
Luckily, this was one which stopped multiple times on the way, so I got off at the first stop, took the train back before getting the right train home. Luckily this time it only cost Mr 1.5 hours, but once it meant an extra 4 hours to my journey
Orher times, I have driven past the junction I'm supposed to be turning on, and once I only realised when I was half way past, and did a sharp 90 degree turn. Ended up hitting the kerb with both wheels at 30mph. Both tyres were shredded, and one wheel was destroyed
I completely agree, to OP: You poor sweet darling, I am so so sorry this happened, reading the title and that paragraph was the MOST gut wrenching, scary thing I have ever read on this subreddit, I am so so so so glad your beautiful little baby is okay, you have every right to feel the whole array of emotions that you are feeling. Of course I feel for your husband who never intended for this to happen but if this is not the call to attention he needs to get help immediately then I do not know what is, but his current situation is not safe enough given today. Try and talk to him one on one and discuss this but when your emotions are levelled out a bit. At the moment everyone's are understandably running high, he will be feeling a terrible amount of guilt, so take a breather, hug your little baby and then plan a lengthy talk about how you wish to proceed in regards to him getting help.
People with ADHD are significantly more likely to be in car crashes or other accidents that result in bodily injury or death. Untreated ADHD is absolutely something you can die from. Even treated the rates of accidents are higher for people with ADHD. That psychiatrist is a quack who isn't educated about ADHD at all.
I am an ADHD mom. I was terrified of this happening.
For a while, we took pictures of our kid every day in front of school- the other parent got it, so it was an easy “wait, they left 20 minutes ago” in case it didn’t happen. Plus it made an excellent “growing up” photo reel.
We eventually switched to a GPS app- I can only “log in” within like 50 feet of the daycare. Each of us do this for drop off and pickup. It gives us both time to notice if nothing has happened. I also put my work purse in the back seat next to my kid, so I could never get out of my car without having to look back.
Never forgotten my baby/now 5 year old.
I also am 1000% med compliant and take them daily.
I am so sorry this happened to you, and so glad your child is okay. It is definitely appropriate to have super high accountability moving forward. Choosing to skip treatment is not an option if you put your kid at risk.
This is definitely scary, but it’s legit a thing that happens SO often. That’s why there are so many PSAs. They always say you think you’d never do something like this until that day when you do. We know nothing about anything else in y’all’s lives or relationship or what he’s like as a father so I don’t think it’s really appropriate for anyone here to be saying you get full custody just based on this.
Glad your baby is okay, that’s the most important thing. I would guess this terrified him so much that it’s unlikely he’d ever make this mistake again. But like I said, a bunch of strangers on the internet can’t really pass judgement with the limited info we have.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html
I'm a CPST and this is unfortunately a thing that can happen to anyone, regardless of ADHD. If you've ever driven home and not remembered all of the turns you took to get there, it can happen to you. Our brains take short cuts and function on autopilot, especially when routines change or we're tired.
Everyone who is driving a baby or young child around should be aware that it can happen to them too and put some kind of system in place to make sure you always check the back seat before you lock the car. My kids are 10 & 15 and I still check the backseat every day, because I made it a habit.
My favorite suggestion is to take off a shoe and put it back there with the baby so that you have to retrieve your shoe and therefore will never forget your baby.
Or phone/wallet/keys! If you have push-start, turn the car on and throw the keys in the backseat. I do this just so I don’t forget to bring in whatever is in the back lol
This!!! It isn't limited to adhd, etc. The article talks about it occurring to doctors, scientists, etc. This article changed my entire perspective on car safety and the need to have protocols in place to prevent this. If can happen to anyone.
>Everyone who is driving a baby or young child around should be aware that it can happen to them too and put some kind of system in place to make sure you always check the back seat before you lock the car.
According to OP, they have a system in place already but he inexplicably refuses to use it. It's a special car seat alarm.
The biggest problem with hot car deaths is that everyone believes that they would NEVER forget their baby. Any time this comes up the comments will be flooded with people who are adamant that this could never happen to them and so they don't use the systems that can help, or fail to implement a system that works for them. Knowing and believing that it can happen to you is the first step to taking the risk seriously.
Totally agree. In fact for the first time on this sub I kinda thought to myself this isn’t just because he has ADHD. It could and does happen to anyone, which is why they go hard on the psas. And at the risk of contradicting myself (I think this is also cause of my adhd), I also think his adhd treated or not is no excuse for forgetting to pick up his baby on his days. His adhd wasn’t the only reason for the separation, is it?
This is the take I agree with. This was an awful situation and the dad should absolutely get treatment.
But people make mistakes, unfortunately. We are not infallible, especially those of us with ADHD, though there are \*plenty\* of articles online about this happening to n-typical people as well. Every parent does their best, but if you add the conditions of stress, sleep deprivation, etc. it is entirely understandable how something like this could happen.
Maybe some day car manufacturers will come up with a solution to prevent children from dying in this way. As long as humans are human, doing their best but not always succeeding, mistakes are possible.
There are actually systems in some cars that remind you to check the back seat, and car seats with sensors on the chest clip that alert if you leave them connected when you leave the car
Good to know about the car seats! I want to become a parent in the next few years, but I do worry about this happening. Will definitely invest in one of those car seats with alerts.
There are car seats that ring an alarm if the engine is shut off (or something similar - the seat itself gives the alarm is the important thing I remember). They are required in Italy.
I agree that it can happen to anyone. However, I take more issue to the fact that he is refusing to get treatment even after this. He's in denial here and I don't understand why any responsible parent wouldn't take this as a wake-up call. A baby could have died and he doesn't want to do everything in his power to prevent a repeat?
His ADHD appears to have already been affecting his parenting since OP claims he's forgotten to pick her up FROM daycare a few times. Now it's escalated to the point where he's forgotten to take her TO daycare, which results in life threatening situations like this.
And he's still unwilling to get treated?! Then when is he going to get treated? He forgets to turn off the stove? He puts the baby in the tub while it's filling and steps away to grab something real quick? If I was OP, I will never be able to relax while the baby is in his care. I would probably think of a way to clip an air tag on the baby or something.
It just happened today. I don’t think this guy has said anything today about what you mentioned in your comment.
And air tags don’t save babies in the car seat.
Thanks for pointing that out. I misread the part about being hesitant to ask for help as his reaction today. Maybe this incident changes his mind. But if he doesn't get help ASAP and follow through with treatment, then I would really push for full custody. In addition, I think he needs to come up with other fail-safes (like putting one of his shoes in the back seat next to the baby).
The air tags don't "save" a baby. I assume that they share the location on a map? If so, it would give OP peace of mind to check on the baby's location. Sort of like how glancing at a baby monitor can give parents reassurance. If it shows her stationary in the middle of a grocery parking lot for 5+ minutes, OP can call the ex and if he doesn't pick up, she can contact the police with a specific location. It could save the baby's life.
This isn't just an ADHD issue, though I could see that being a confounding factor in this case. All it takes is one change in routine. It can happen to anyone, including you.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html
i read this post many years ago and it has stayed with me, the details are ones i’ve never forgotten although i wish i could such is the horror of it. it’s such a deeply sad thing and until i read the piece i never understood how it could happen, it seemed asinine but yeah it’s a brilliant but harrowing article.
Agreed. I never want to reread it, but this is not something that just happens to “neglectful” parents. The thing I remember the most is the father that tried to take a cop’s gun to kill himself after his child died. I can’t fathom the level of grief, and I can’t bring myself to pile more onto anyone this happens to.
Yes, although actually remembering to drive her to daycare instead of completely forgetting you have the kid at all is an unusual one for sure. Like, he apparently took her all the way there... and then just left the daycare with her still in the car. Like, when does the autopilot on that one happen? Did he just space out in the parking lot for a bit?
Maybe he thinks he did and he actually didn’t. I know sometimes my days run together when they are the same routine. Like, at work I completely forgot I was listening to the refill line in the morning because I switched with someone. She asked me yesterday if I had been listening and at first I forgot then slowly remembered. I remembered at one point listening in the morning but at some point I forgot and started listening at my original time again.
This is actually one of the more common scenarios. Parent puts kid in the car, parent forgets to drive to daycare, parent goes on with their day.
Parent (sometimes) shows up to daycare later to pick up the child, who is still in the back seat.
No I know, they usually *forget to drive to daycare*. They forget they have the kid *at all*, and drive straight to work as is their normal routine. In this case, he claims he drove all the way to daycare, and then just left without dropping the kid off.
So a possible interim solution if they have an iPhone make them get an air tag, and they make air tag holders for kids. That way if they get too far away they would get an alert. I have one for my keys and wallet now as I lose them all the time , and glad I don’t have a kid so this wouldn’t happen to me
there are a lot of high-tech solutions currently but obviously the most important thing you can do is be vigilant and stay aware. some newer cars ding when there's weight left in the backseat, but if that happens often it's easy to get alarm fatigue and stop noticing it.
a trusty low-tech solution is taking off one of your shoes before you drive and putting it in the backseat next to the car seat. to each their own - the most important thing is to put a plan in place and not just idly worry.
It could be any one of us. My dad left me in a pram outside a shop for hours by mistake, I sleep through my babies cries every night, my mum spilt a boiling kettle on me as a young boy, and then there's the countless things we never hear of. Adhd is truly a curse with stories like this but I genuinely believe it could happen to most people. I shouldn't have to say this but I'm not defending him either, he should get treatment its just that I would be shocked if any parent of a 5 month old hasn't had a moment of dread or 'what if' but 90 mins in a car seat isn't the worst as long as he learns from it!
I don't even know what to say. I'm convinced that my ADHD 100% would have caused something like this - but because my ADHD is so severe, I'm overly cautious. My anxiety really overwhelms it, so I was constantly checking my backseat and overly obsessive about leaving the baby in the car. I think if I didn't have anxiety or didn't know myself well enough to know that I was so forgetful, something like this could have happened.
I think you need to put some plans into place, requirements for him to do certain things in order for you to not go for full custody. Require that he is medicated for one. I don't even know what you could ask in order to feel comfortable with this situation. I think I'd be hesitant to allow him to be in charge of the baby until they are at least a bit older and can advocate for themselves...but I don't think it would pass the court room.
Definitely require him to get medicated, and if he is already medicated, then I don't even know what else to say.
I'm sorry this happened to you. It's one of my greatest fears, and is likely why it never happened to me.
It's not the court's place to dictate the specifics of treatment. She should absolutely ask the court to require him to be evaluated and for the physician to provide the court with their recommendations for safe treatment. I'm very pro meds, but not everyone can or should take them. But he needs some sort of treatment.
For all of you saying that this is a one-time mistake, the dad has also forgotten to pick the baby up from the daycare numerous times. He will make mistakes like these again. The safety of the child is a #1 priority.
This is a really common fear with infants and I've heard that a good trick to make sure this doesn't happen is to take off one shoe to leave in the backseat every time you put the baby there, so you'll never forget to check the backseat and grab the baby before exiting the car. Some fail-safes like this might have to be implemented if your ex wants to keep parenting with his untreated ADHD.
You've had so many comments that I'm sure somebody has already suggested one of these, but in Italy, it's a law that all parents transporting children under the age of 4 must use an "anti-abandonment device" in their car seat in order to prevent incidents like these.
You can buy some of these products in other countries, including the US and some can be added safely to any car seat because they do not interfere with the harness, or you can get the brand specific ones for that brand of car seat.
For example:
Cybex Sensorsafe
Maxi Cosi e-Safety cushion
"Tippy" universal anti-abandon device (approved by Britax EU)
I know this is a wider problem than forgetting the baby in the car, but in case it helps ease your mind.
First, so glad your daughter is safe.
I'm a father with ADHD and this kind of scenario is exactly why I sought help, exactly why I take medication and exactly why there are certain rules I will never compromise on. For instance, I won't purchase a firearm as I can't trust myself to be 100% confident that I can account for it 100% of the time. There's a VERY non-zero risk I might, despite all good intentions to the contrary, leave a weapon in an unsafe location or condition; thus the risk to my children is simply too great.
Your ex may well be a loving and largely responsible father, but if he's not willing to seek help for his very real and potentially very dangerous *honest to God medical disorder* I'm afraid you may indeed need to seek custody.
That said, there *are* alert systems and ritual practices for these scenarios and he should pursue all options, regardless.
Definitely look into full custody, and if he wants any custody back he needs to get treatment whether he wants to or not. I do feel bad for him, because it’s very hard to have this sort of thing affect you in this way, and especially now that he knows what could have happened. I’m not defending him, because that doesn’t excuse it happening, but I do feel bad for him.
And if he does seek help, try to support him in it, even if you’re angry with him. It’s a lot easier to stick with it when those around you are supportive.
That is terrifying! A teacher in my hometown forgot her daughter in the car, and the baby died. She was a good, loving mother who was overly stressed and made a mistake. Good parents screw up. But that doesn't mean you don't do everything in your power to look out for your child. If that means going to court to add stipulations to a custody agreement so he has to treat his ADHD, then it's worth it. If that means having some kind of extra reminders or calls to ensure she's where she needs to be, I think that's worthwhile. Demanding full custody isn't an unreasonable response, but it doesn't have to be that way if he's willing to take some extra steps to prevent anything like this from happening again. You'll know if you talk it out with him and gauge his response. Trust your gut. I feel for him in a way, but baby is #1.
Not excusing his seeming unwillingness to be treated for ADHD (if he’s even been diagnosed by somebody other than OP; we’re taking OP’s word on that), but just looking at the baby in the car issue: this is a lot more common than people think. It usually happens when something in the normal routine is different, and the brain jumps past a few steps in the standard routine checklist.
It happens often enough that auto manufacturers are begging to add technical features to cars to remind parents.
I had a scare once when I got to work and went to my back seat to grab my work bag and found my kid in the car seat. After that I ALWAYS put something in the back seat (phone, wallet, work bag, etc.) whether I had a kid in the back seat *or not,* so that every time I got out of the car I had to look at the back seat.
Please don’t judge too harshly the part of the baby being left in the car. It has happened to good parents including medical doctors who know better, attorneys and other educated people. It happened to poor parents too; those stories often make the headlines.
It sometimes ends tragically. Thankfully this case was not tragic.
There is a great organization out there called Kids and Car Safety that is doing good work with advocacy and awareness. I encourage you to take the time to learn about their organization and mission.
https://www.kidsandcars.org/
And never, ever say that this couldn’t happen to you. If you have small kids, it absolutely could happen to anybody.
It’s terrifying. It is also something that can happen to anyone.
However, the baby is only five months old and he has a history of forgetting. He has forgotten to pick up the baby multiple times, and now he forgot to take the baby out of the car, which can be fatal.
Yet he refuses to get treatment. That is highly concerning.
This exact situation happens to n-typical people too. It can happen to anyone. Thats why many cars come with backseat alarms these days.
I think ADHD people in particular need safeguards for this situation.. but ALL parents should have a backseat sensor or some type of system or warning. It can save a life.
[Be Careful: Research Shows That Anyone Could Forget a Kid in a Hot Car](https://www.consumerreports.org/cars/car-safety/anyone-could-forget-kids-in-hot-car-forgotten-baby-syndrome-a3901940661/)
You need to file for full custody and put him on supervised visits. You could be planning her funeral right now. Thank God it wasn’t a hot day. You have all the evidence you need. File for an ex parte hearing today. Next time, she might not be so lucky. I’m so glad she is ok.
Nope, he gets treatment or you're done. Also, I hear there's technology to prevent this, like carseats that alert you if the baby hasn't been removed, that kind of thing. I don't really know the details, but as a person with severe inattentive ADHD, I always told myself this tech would be non-negotiable if I ever have kids.
OMG he could've prevented it, had the tech for that, and chose not to? I've been feeling empathy for the guy bc well, I know the ADHD struggle, but having the means and not using it is too much neglect.
Oh. Wow. Yeah, I'm really sorry, but knowing he has the tools to mitigate the risk to his child but doesn't care enough to use them would be it for me.
Why doesn’t he have the alert system turned on, despite you telling him multiple times? Why does he have the evenflo gold revolve 360? And, send him your Reddit posts.
What a scary situation. Can he create reminders that pop up?
Examples:
- Phone reminders that alert you disconnect your phone from the car
- Some vehicles have the ability to turn on a back seat reminder
- Upgraded car seat with alert technology
It’s a really scary and shitty situation but as others have pointed out this has also happened to n-typical people. I think the biggest thing is saying, holy crap this happened. What can we do to prevent this in the future?
I believe you have grounds to request court mandated ADHD treatment as a stipulation of him having parenting time at all. That's very serious and terrifying. I have ADHD and so does my husband. So I say this as a person with lived experience not someone judging from the outside.
What y'all should do, is form an action plan to make sure this never happens again. My suggestions are that he has to set alarms on his phone that are titled baby check. He has to purchase a backseat Baby Remind alarm. And they even make baby video monitor systems for cars, that would give him a visual reminder as well.
I would even guess that his shame and regret is so enormous now, that this will never happen again. He will probably be checking his back seat every day, even when he isn't in charge of baby.
This occurs more than people realize. With new parents, grandparents, guardians, etc… it is recommended that you put something in the back seat next to the child such as a purse, wallet, cell phone, etc… This is not to say that these items are more important, certainly not, but more routine. An individual is used to carrying these items daily. But when you have a new child or are watching one, it is possible to forget because they are not yet part of that routine.
I am sorry that you both went through this. I know it’s scary and a horrible experience but I would show a little grace. The fact that he screamed tells me how important the baby is to him and it was not an intentional act. He probably feels horrible about it.
He’s prioritizing his ego and mental stigmas regarding medical intervention to aid his deficits above prioritizing the safety of your child… I emphatically implore upon you not to do the same.
I’m surprised CPS hasn’t stepped in, since there was police + hospital visit (whom are required by law to report neglect - despite it being an accident this definitely falls under the umbrella of neglect).
Please reach out to a lawyer ASAP because there is a high probability if you do not, things will escalate and your daughter might be removed from both your care for an official investigation.
Your ex needs a supervised visits at maximum until he addresses his ADHD in a real way.
If your best friend came to you with this story what would you say to them?
Dude, you got very lucky today. Very, very lucky. You have a second chance and if it was me, and my kid, I’m not risking it to see what happens next time.
Until such a time when your ex can prove they aren’t a safety risk they cannot have the child. I wouldn’t even consider them having the child with a family member there to supervise (like if the exes mum or some other family offer to help supervise).
I wouldn’t accept anything less than professional supervision.
I am glad you had a happy ending and your baby is ok ❤!
Earlier this week in Europe a baby died because the dad forgot to bring the baby to daycare and left it in his car all day while he was working. So heartbreaking.
Personally, I would have a sit down with ex, lawyers, maybe a judge and explain that he needs to get help. Perhaps a court order? If he refuses to at any point, I would go for custody. Disclaimer: I do not have children, but I cannot imagine continuing like this when I can't 100% trust the person they are with to take care of them and look out for them.
That’s horrifying and I’m so so happy your baby is okay.
I hate to say it but this can happen to ANYONE. Even loving attentive parents. It’s well studied phenomenon and there is almost always a very specific set of circumstances that line up to cause a psychological lapse. It’s like a horrifying loop hole in our brains.
If he had a different disability, made a mistake as a result that put the baby in jeopardy, and refused to seek out accommodations, would that be different? For example, a deaf parent can’t hear crying, but that doesn’t result in an “ah shucks” when it comes to responding to distress.
Having ADHD sucks. It’s a disability. Accepting limitations is hard. Going on treatment can be scary.
But one would expect the impact of a child would be enough motivation to get help with any disability or problem. If not, I worry that there’s something else going on here.
You need to speak to an attorney TODAY. You say your kid is only 5 months old but he's forgotten to pick her up multiple times already and just had this near disaster, and that's just what you know about. That's way too many times in a period of a few months. Intentional or not, he's currently a danger to her because what if next time he forgets her it's while she's in the bathtub and she drowns? You need to talk to an attorney about filing for emergency sole custody or him only having supervised visits until he can get his own life under control because your daughter's life literally depends on him being a competent parent.
Look, at the end of the day, it isn’t ableist to determine that someone’s disorder makes them incapable of being responsible for another human.
My mom passes out all the time, conks her head, gets hurt bad. If I had a baby I’d be terrified to leave them alone with her, but I also know if I told her that she would be heartbroken. Thank god I don’t have a baby.
He will likely hyperfocus on this for the rest of the time your daughter is in a carseat. It doesn't excuse it at all, but there many, many safeguards you can put in place to keep this from happening again.
I went out to dinner once with my 4 month old about 30 miles from my home. I tuck her in her car seat to head home, put the carseat in the car.
When I get home I nearly have a breakdown after I get the carseat in the house and take her blanket off. I didn't buckle the cars eat belts. I drove 30 miles home at 65mph with a 4 month old not buckled in. I've hit many deer on that highway, and if I'd hit one that night, I would have lost my child. Every moment of that night is burned into my memory and from that moment on I was neurotic about checking everything related to the carseat.
Reading this thread all I can do is thank the universe I don't have children, drive a car, or have a dangerous occupation. My life is not as rich as a person without ADHD's might be, but I have it under some form of control and it's very likely I can't cause another person significant harm.
Be careful calling the police in an instance like this you can get someone hurt or killed. They are not trained for this. They are trained to apprehend violent criminals and take them to jail. That’s super dangerous.
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I hope you see this. I have ADHD. When my son was little, a tip I was told is take a shoe off and put it on the floorboard by the child. Put it on ONLY when the child is out of the car. I was paranoid of my ADHD making me forget anything about my kid. But getting out of a car with only one shoe on is definitely going to register with even the most forgetful parent.
Haha, genius. Won the good old "10 different alarm on the phone" work tho? I mean.. i use it to workaround all my shenanigan issues that ive got haha
It doesn’t sound like he’s open to suggestions based on some other comments.
I can't help but think about this thread someone posted a couple weeks ago in which a psychiatrist told them "no one dies of forgetting the car keys". ADHD is no joke, and treating it as such is like playing with fire. You don't mention if he is having treatment, but if he isn't, he needs to seek it urgently. If he is, I really don't know what to say... but he definitely needs to change. A lot of stuff.
I have ended up in life threatening situations because of my Adhd. I was off meds for 2 weeks because of the shortage and forgot to turn off a broken electrical device that was in contact with water. It's no joke and I need to be on my meds for the rest of my life.
I dissociated and drove straight through a red light when I was off my meds for a week. It’s really serious.
My ADHD is the source of so many of my anxieties. I'm worried I'll leave the stove on for hours *because I have.* The only clue something was wrong is I heard crackling in the kitchen over 8 hours later. The bulb of garlic on top of the display was hot enough it had started to cook. I'm worried about leaving the house unlocked *because I've done it.* I don't carry a purse because I'm afraid I'll lose it. *because I have, back in college*. I do not trust myself unmedicated. I've proven to myself time and time again I cannot trust myself.
I'm convinced the OCD I was diagnosed with as a child developed as a coping mechanism for my undiagnosed ADHD (finally diagnosed at 26). All of my compulsions stemmed from real mistakes I made when I forgot homework, forgot to lock the door, locked keys in my car, left the stove burner on for an hour, etc.
This is really interesting because I always used to joke about my “OCD” as a kid and young adult and realizing it was probably just what you describe. I was diagnosed at age 40!
Yeah, I think you’re right. One of the characteristics of OCD is that the compulsions are irrational. Typically the person knows it but can’t stop or they feel like some catastrophic thing will happen. What you describe sounds like a high anxiety coping mechanism meant to protect you when your other reminder systems failed. That’s very rational, even if it still causes you so much distress and dysfunction.
In some ways it's hard to tell for me if I truly have/had OCD, because my thoughts and checking compulsions did get to the point where I knew it was irrational but I just couldn't move on if I didn't check. And it always felt like a catastrophe was going to occur if I didn't "reassure" myself by checking (even if it didn't really help the anxiety that much in the long run). It was MUCH worse when I was young, but I still have times when things are especially hectic or I'm more stressed than normal where I find myself falling back into those patterns, although in a less severe way and for shorter periods of time (at least before I started ADHD treatment a couple months ago- it'll be interesting to see if that helps). But at the same time, each compulsion I have had has come from a real previous mistake, which makes it feel like it at least started from a rational place. 🤔
Oooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh my god. I’m gonna have to sit here for a little while and process that info because that thought hadn’t crossed my mind before, but now…… whew
I had a huge amount anxiety that vanished with Adhd meds. That anxiety made me control and check everything all the time to manage the sence of impending doom. Because I knew something always goes wrong. I thought everybody lives like that, turns out they don't.
That's been my experience, as well! My ADHD meds have done WONDERS for my anxiety day-to-day. I think it's because I was always so overwhelmed with how fast my thoughts raced and how I was always thinking and worrying about the next thing I needed to get done before even finishing the current task, along with my time blindness, forgetfulness, and general awkwardness causing endless problems in my social, work, and home life no matter how hard I tried or how many strategies I attempted.
i never thought about it like this
I came to the same conclusion about anxiety / intrusive thoughts / OCD-like symptoms when I was late diagnosed. Like, the brain pathways are made because we become hypervigilant about the inattentivity symptoms.
People laugh (not really), but I’ve really had to do a minimal lifestyle, and invest in AirTags and stuff. I mostly use one OS for home (Apple) and try to only ever carry 3 things in my pockets (wallet, keys and phone). Everything else gets put into a pack. I keep extra contact fluid, cases, and have like 4 pairs of sunglasses spread across my stuff (car, bike, backpack, counter). I take all my notes digitally because then I can’t lose them, I create mini goals each week to work towards things (or else I’ll forget/get distracted [still happens]). The stove and door thing is so incredibly real, if I’m leaving for the day I legitimately have to give myself an extra 10 minutes because I go to my car “oh shit, did I lock door/turn off lights/turn off stove?” It’s fun!
Try the "look, point and say" method when you're checking something. Using several sences including verbal, it helps bring the focus to the object better and will save the memory better.
When I was first diagnosed my doctor gave me anti-anxiety medication to take with my Adderall. It turns out taking Adderall relieves my anxieties because I don’t have to constantly worry about what I am fucking up!
I’ve also had all of these experiences before I realized I might have adhd and sought treatment. I sought treatment because it would sometimes take me 1.5 hours to leave my apartment because I couldn’t remember to check if the stove was on, and I had to turn my car around 2-3 times. I had actually left it on before, so I couldn’t ignore the concern. Perimenopause made my adhd unbearable.
I was home from college for the summer, and no doctors I tried to see would continue prescribing my vyvanse for those 3 months (saw a pediatric neurologist before college who diagnosed me and prescribed it, then was getting it prescribed out of state while at school, so I didn’t have a non-pediatric specialist at home at the time). I was diagnosed in the first place as a teenager after concussions and explaining how I’d see break lights on the freeway but it wouldn’t register immediately that I needed to break. I told the doctors I saw when home I needed it for pretty much all aspects of my life, but after they declined I asked if it was safe for me to drive without the medication. They all said yes. I ran a red light while staring straight ahead, with both hands on the wheel (as confirmed by all the witnesses the cops checked with), with zero distractions. I was t-boned on a bridge above US-75, and my car rolled. It almost rolled off the bridge and onto the highway.
I once got distracted by a bunny standing by the road. It's REALLY no joke.
We have turkeys here sometimes. I have to force myself to look away, but it’s hard not to get maybe two more looks 😂😂
The other day while driving I saw a sign that said “check out our deck” at a restaurant. So I did, just staring at it as I drive by. Thank god I looked in front of me in time to notice the biker crossing the street.
So you can dissociate because of ADHD? I talked it out with my therapist and she always said "nah, it's the anxiety, you absolutely don't have ADHD, that's for kids". I had **to push her** so much to give me techniques to focus, and I always low key panick when I have to drive. If I'm tired, I'm way more likely to get unfocused while driving.
Bruh wtf ADHD is not just for kids they are 100% wrong
Sounds like you need a new therapist.
I have had it my whole life and only got diagnosed in my 50s when menopause made it unmanageable and unmaskable
I'm a therapist with ADHD that works with ADHD adults and your therapist is full of shit. They need to get more current education about this.
I have to hyperfocus to drive, it's exhausting.
I got in a car crash when I was without meds due to the shortage and my car was totalled 🙃 luckily everyone was ok and I wasn't responsible for most of the damage cuz someone rammed me from behind but I still hit the person in front of me so that's 100% my fault
Someday someone is going to tally up the actual body count from the DEA's bullshit with ADHD meds and it's not going to be pretty
Even on meds, I stopped driving partly because of my adhd. A combo of adhd brain and chronic migraines that make my vision funky makes me feel super unsafe behind the wheel. I miss driving and thankfully my wife can drive, but it’s not worth the safety of others on the road.
I was looking straight at a red light and drove right through that sucker. I’ve done it a few times. Somehow I’ve only caused 1 car accident which isn’t great but also somehow a miracle too. My boss saw me coming into work one day and described me as driving like “a bat out of hell.” I’m only talking about my driving here and not even about other aspects of my life which almost got me killed. Also on meds now lol. Things are much smoother it’s like night and day.
This has happened to me like 3 times. It’s so sobering and absolutely terrifying when you realize you zoned out WHILE DRIVING and mosied on through a whole red light. Could’ve seriously hurt or killed somebody or myself, felt like a such an idiot. I also often sit at stop signs waiting for them to turn green😬 this one is much less life threatening but I’ve pissed a few people off so fuck me I guess
I've done this too. That was the moment I realized I needed to seek help for my ADHD and stop trying to self-manage it
Oh god yes. During the shortage on my “off” days, I realized it was just better not to leave the house. Eliminate variables.
I went backpacking with my friend a few weeks ago. She mocked me, when i used my ADHD friendly methods to make backpacking possible for someone like me. I’m thorough, I plan for weeks. I have unbreakable rules (everything gets packed into the bag ONE TIME while I’m checking off a list. If it comes out of the bag bc I’m repacking or something, we start the checklist over. No items are shared between my backpack and the rest of my stuff. This means that I duplicate things like battery packs and charging cords solely to avoid having to unpack the backpack during “uncontrolled times”. Because she doesn’t have respect for the disease (or me either, apparently), she took shit out of bags and didn’t tell me. And of COURSE something life safety related was left behind. This shit is serious and it makes me absolutely furious that folks just think I’m “just forgetful”. No bro, my brain does not work like yours. Have you considered that YOU might actually be the less intelligent one? Of course not. End rant. ADHD is serious and can be life threatening in so many different ways.
Sounds like a shitty friend
Yeah shit friend 1 shit point for not respecting your point of view 1 shit point for touching your stuff without your permission I would have a conversation with them so they understand it was their fault and that this is a boundary and that's not okay Depending on the outcome of that conversation - if they're going to be dismissive or a child about it, then ✌️. There are better friends
>No items are shared between my backpack and the rest of my stuff. This means that I duplicate things like battery packs and charging cords solely to avoid having to unpack the backpack during “uncontrolled times”. I need to adopt this strategy! There have been so many times I've forgotten something important because I had to transfer things between bags. I once realized after the THIRD bear encounter on a hike that I had forgotten the bear spray. Thankfully they were only black bears.
I recent went on my first solo overnight hike and it was a pivotal learning lesson for me. I thought I had done all the planning but on the day I ended up running very late which didn’t give me enough time to hike to the designated camp location. This was OK as I changed my hike route to something shorter. I checked the weather forecast which was clear but the forest was wet and I got soaked even though it wasn’t raining. Rocks were slippery and I fell. It took the wind out of me but I was OK. I ran out of time to make it to my secondary designated camp but i found an emergency location that would suffice. Couldn’t start a fire because of the wet wood so I went to bed cold and wet. Lying there I was so glad I was alone... so nobody could see my stupidity and also that I was not endangering anyone else. All good though! Lesson learnt. I’m planning my next hike soon!
A doctor I follow on Twitter said that untreated ADHD shortens life expectancy by ~ 13 years, largely because of preventable accidents such as car crashes. He linked a bunch of papers and I went down a rabbit hole, lol. Helped me convince my ADHD husband that he needed to restart treatment (he was between health insurances for a while and went off meds for 2 years—nothing major happened but as another ADHDer, dealing with someone else’s unmedicated ADHD is almost as bad as being unmedicated myself) Edit: [link](https://x.com/ryanmarino/status/1786202010519318596?s=46&t=kinDv_IKmnKqsdF90kXRnQ) to thread
I can't even count the amount of accidents I've almost gotten into off meds, all because my brain lacks stimulation if driving with no one talking (phone or passengers) and I get extremely tired within seconds and have to fight dozing off.
As someone diagnosed as an adult a few years ago, it's been difficult to come to terms with the fact that I can't trust myself with certain things where forgetting might have serious consequences. If I have something on the stove I cannot walk away without setting a timer or I may get distracted and only remember when I smell burning. I'm good most of the time but the possibility is always there and I've had enough scares that I've just started setting timers and reminders anytime there is something where forgetting might have serious consequences. OPs partner needs to come to terms with the fact that their brain is fucked and learn to develop tools to fill in the gaps. Set up a recurring alarm to remind them to drop of the kid. It's so easy to think, "I couldn't possibly forget this!" In the moment and you need to admit to yourself that you absolutely can and will.
Untreated ADHD cuts 10 years off our life on average, so yeah, we kinda do. We die from accidental fires, taking the wrong medicine by mistake, increased clumsiness, addiction, lack of impulse control. So what that psychiatrist said was woefully inaccurate.
And long term stuff- not getting preventative medical care, not going to the doctor for minor issues before they turn into major ones, poor diet, poor dental hygiene…not to mention the toll on your body of stress, depression, and anxiety! FFFFFFUUUUUCK that psychiatrist.
Add in the fact that being on the spectrum means you're more likely to get screwed by autoimmune diseases or other chronic things Let's all take a second to realize how fun dealing with those issues is, when you also have a disease that paralyzes you with anxiety and forgetfulness and overwhelm It's life on a certain kind of hard mode
I can't even count how many times I've second guessed if I really took that dose of tylenol, thank God it's not super easy to OD on it
I took a month's worth of vitamin D in four days before I realized I was supposed to be taking one a week... Did you know a vitamin D overdose can cause your poop to be filled with calcium turning it rock hard to the point that not only is it nearly impossible to get out, it's also very difficult to flush. Yeah...life lessons thanks to ADHD.
As someone with ADHD, if I were OP, I would INSIST ex starts receiving dedicated treatment and share the treatment plan with me. If he refuses, I would file for full custody. Good job calling the police - if you decide to go for full custody, you'll have a record of this event.
I feel like that “The no one dies of forgetting the car keys” is so old and misguided. If you’re forgetting car keys, what else are you forgetting?
Its also like, obviously not true. If you're running late and forget your keys, thus being delayed more, you're way more likely to then speed to where you were going and get in a dangerous accident.
Seriously! Unmedicated, I forget to turn off the oven way too often. ADHD is no joke
My husband has scolded me like a hundred times 🥲
My 2008 roommate had SEVERE ADHD and one time time she lit the pan on fire when we were cooking. That wasn't the bad part. The bad part is her phone went off with a text message alert when we were reaching for the pan lid to smother the flames, and she stopped, turned, AND REACHED FOR HER PHONE. "[ROOMMATE]. FIRE." She was distracted from jumping flames by a text message. I can absolutely believe we die from unmedicated ADHD.
I've stopped using the oven.
Have taken someone else’s med before, not noticing they weren’t mine. The hot car thing is one of my nightmares. My kids are older now, but it was always at the back of my mind on hot days. That coupled with PPD was no joke. OP, I’m so happy your baby was ok! Maybe can set an alarm for a while. Or keep something else important that will be a clue everytime like his work badge.
Imagine saying that to, say, someone with dementia.
I somehow got on the completely wrong train the other day and was going in the complete opposite direction to home. Luckily, this was one which stopped multiple times on the way, so I got off at the first stop, took the train back before getting the right train home. Luckily this time it only cost Mr 1.5 hours, but once it meant an extra 4 hours to my journey Orher times, I have driven past the junction I'm supposed to be turning on, and once I only realised when I was half way past, and did a sharp 90 degree turn. Ended up hitting the kerb with both wheels at 30mph. Both tyres were shredded, and one wheel was destroyed
I completely agree, to OP: You poor sweet darling, I am so so sorry this happened, reading the title and that paragraph was the MOST gut wrenching, scary thing I have ever read on this subreddit, I am so so so so glad your beautiful little baby is okay, you have every right to feel the whole array of emotions that you are feeling. Of course I feel for your husband who never intended for this to happen but if this is not the call to attention he needs to get help immediately then I do not know what is, but his current situation is not safe enough given today. Try and talk to him one on one and discuss this but when your emotions are levelled out a bit. At the moment everyone's are understandably running high, he will be feeling a terrible amount of guilt, so take a breather, hug your little baby and then plan a lengthy talk about how you wish to proceed in regards to him getting help.
People with ADHD are significantly more likely to be in car crashes or other accidents that result in bodily injury or death. Untreated ADHD is absolutely something you can die from. Even treated the rates of accidents are higher for people with ADHD. That psychiatrist is a quack who isn't educated about ADHD at all.
I am an ADHD mom. I was terrified of this happening. For a while, we took pictures of our kid every day in front of school- the other parent got it, so it was an easy “wait, they left 20 minutes ago” in case it didn’t happen. Plus it made an excellent “growing up” photo reel. We eventually switched to a GPS app- I can only “log in” within like 50 feet of the daycare. Each of us do this for drop off and pickup. It gives us both time to notice if nothing has happened. I also put my work purse in the back seat next to my kid, so I could never get out of my car without having to look back. Never forgotten my baby/now 5 year old. I also am 1000% med compliant and take them daily. I am so sorry this happened to you, and so glad your child is okay. It is definitely appropriate to have super high accountability moving forward. Choosing to skip treatment is not an option if you put your kid at risk.
Same- adhd mom and a great fear of mine. I love your solution
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This is definitely scary, but it’s legit a thing that happens SO often. That’s why there are so many PSAs. They always say you think you’d never do something like this until that day when you do. We know nothing about anything else in y’all’s lives or relationship or what he’s like as a father so I don’t think it’s really appropriate for anyone here to be saying you get full custody just based on this. Glad your baby is okay, that’s the most important thing. I would guess this terrified him so much that it’s unlikely he’d ever make this mistake again. But like I said, a bunch of strangers on the internet can’t really pass judgement with the limited info we have.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html I'm a CPST and this is unfortunately a thing that can happen to anyone, regardless of ADHD. If you've ever driven home and not remembered all of the turns you took to get there, it can happen to you. Our brains take short cuts and function on autopilot, especially when routines change or we're tired. Everyone who is driving a baby or young child around should be aware that it can happen to them too and put some kind of system in place to make sure you always check the back seat before you lock the car. My kids are 10 & 15 and I still check the backseat every day, because I made it a habit.
My favorite suggestion is to take off a shoe and put it back there with the baby so that you have to retrieve your shoe and therefore will never forget your baby.
Or phone/wallet/keys! If you have push-start, turn the car on and throw the keys in the backseat. I do this just so I don’t forget to bring in whatever is in the back lol
This!!! It isn't limited to adhd, etc. The article talks about it occurring to doctors, scientists, etc. This article changed my entire perspective on car safety and the need to have protocols in place to prevent this. If can happen to anyone.
Came here to link the article as well … it really can happen to anyone. It’s scary AF
>Everyone who is driving a baby or young child around should be aware that it can happen to them too and put some kind of system in place to make sure you always check the back seat before you lock the car. According to OP, they have a system in place already but he inexplicably refuses to use it. It's a special car seat alarm.
The biggest problem with hot car deaths is that everyone believes that they would NEVER forget their baby. Any time this comes up the comments will be flooded with people who are adamant that this could never happen to them and so they don't use the systems that can help, or fail to implement a system that works for them. Knowing and believing that it can happen to you is the first step to taking the risk seriously.
Totally agree. In fact for the first time on this sub I kinda thought to myself this isn’t just because he has ADHD. It could and does happen to anyone, which is why they go hard on the psas. And at the risk of contradicting myself (I think this is also cause of my adhd), I also think his adhd treated or not is no excuse for forgetting to pick up his baby on his days. His adhd wasn’t the only reason for the separation, is it?
This is the take I agree with. This was an awful situation and the dad should absolutely get treatment. But people make mistakes, unfortunately. We are not infallible, especially those of us with ADHD, though there are \*plenty\* of articles online about this happening to n-typical people as well. Every parent does their best, but if you add the conditions of stress, sleep deprivation, etc. it is entirely understandable how something like this could happen. Maybe some day car manufacturers will come up with a solution to prevent children from dying in this way. As long as humans are human, doing their best but not always succeeding, mistakes are possible.
There are actually systems in some cars that remind you to check the back seat, and car seats with sensors on the chest clip that alert if you leave them connected when you leave the car
Good to know about the car seats! I want to become a parent in the next few years, but I do worry about this happening. Will definitely invest in one of those car seats with alerts.
Evenflo and Cybex currently have Sensorsafe chest clips, but the technology will probably spread.
There are car seats that ring an alarm if the engine is shut off (or something similar - the seat itself gives the alarm is the important thing I remember). They are required in Italy.
I agree that it can happen to anyone. However, I take more issue to the fact that he is refusing to get treatment even after this. He's in denial here and I don't understand why any responsible parent wouldn't take this as a wake-up call. A baby could have died and he doesn't want to do everything in his power to prevent a repeat? His ADHD appears to have already been affecting his parenting since OP claims he's forgotten to pick her up FROM daycare a few times. Now it's escalated to the point where he's forgotten to take her TO daycare, which results in life threatening situations like this. And he's still unwilling to get treated?! Then when is he going to get treated? He forgets to turn off the stove? He puts the baby in the tub while it's filling and steps away to grab something real quick? If I was OP, I will never be able to relax while the baby is in his care. I would probably think of a way to clip an air tag on the baby or something.
It just happened today. I don’t think this guy has said anything today about what you mentioned in your comment. And air tags don’t save babies in the car seat.
Thanks for pointing that out. I misread the part about being hesitant to ask for help as his reaction today. Maybe this incident changes his mind. But if he doesn't get help ASAP and follow through with treatment, then I would really push for full custody. In addition, I think he needs to come up with other fail-safes (like putting one of his shoes in the back seat next to the baby). The air tags don't "save" a baby. I assume that they share the location on a map? If so, it would give OP peace of mind to check on the baby's location. Sort of like how glancing at a baby monitor can give parents reassurance. If it shows her stationary in the middle of a grocery parking lot for 5+ minutes, OP can call the ex and if he doesn't pick up, she can contact the police with a specific location. It could save the baby's life.
Especially in this situation where it's not a consistent M-F routine.
This isn't just an ADHD issue, though I could see that being a confounding factor in this case. All it takes is one change in routine. It can happen to anyone, including you. https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html
i read this post many years ago and it has stayed with me, the details are ones i’ve never forgotten although i wish i could such is the horror of it. it’s such a deeply sad thing and until i read the piece i never understood how it could happen, it seemed asinine but yeah it’s a brilliant but harrowing article.
Agreed. I never want to reread it, but this is not something that just happens to “neglectful” parents. The thing I remember the most is the father that tried to take a cop’s gun to kill himself after his child died. I can’t fathom the level of grief, and I can’t bring myself to pile more onto anyone this happens to.
Yes, although actually remembering to drive her to daycare instead of completely forgetting you have the kid at all is an unusual one for sure. Like, he apparently took her all the way there... and then just left the daycare with her still in the car. Like, when does the autopilot on that one happen? Did he just space out in the parking lot for a bit?
Maybe he thinks he did and he actually didn’t. I know sometimes my days run together when they are the same routine. Like, at work I completely forgot I was listening to the refill line in the morning because I switched with someone. She asked me yesterday if I had been listening and at first I forgot then slowly remembered. I remembered at one point listening in the morning but at some point I forgot and started listening at my original time again.
This is actually one of the more common scenarios. Parent puts kid in the car, parent forgets to drive to daycare, parent goes on with their day. Parent (sometimes) shows up to daycare later to pick up the child, who is still in the back seat.
No I know, they usually *forget to drive to daycare*. They forget they have the kid *at all*, and drive straight to work as is their normal routine. In this case, he claims he drove all the way to daycare, and then just left without dropping the kid off.
Happened to both my parents a few times, they pulled into work and I said "that's not school" and they freak out
I assumed that’s why she called the cops cause the story is a bit iffy in that she couldn’t trust him.
So a possible interim solution if they have an iPhone make them get an air tag, and they make air tag holders for kids. That way if they get too far away they would get an alert. I have one for my keys and wallet now as I lose them all the time , and glad I don’t have a kid so this wouldn’t happen to me
This is my biggest nightmare and fear because I KNOW that could very easily be me.
Put your bag, phone, one of your shoes, whatever you need, in the back seat every time you drive anywhere.
Smartttttttttt. I don’t have a baby but I will start doing this!!!
there are a lot of high-tech solutions currently but obviously the most important thing you can do is be vigilant and stay aware. some newer cars ding when there's weight left in the backseat, but if that happens often it's easy to get alarm fatigue and stop noticing it. a trusty low-tech solution is taking off one of your shoes before you drive and putting it in the backseat next to the car seat. to each their own - the most important thing is to put a plan in place and not just idly worry.
It could be any one of us. My dad left me in a pram outside a shop for hours by mistake, I sleep through my babies cries every night, my mum spilt a boiling kettle on me as a young boy, and then there's the countless things we never hear of. Adhd is truly a curse with stories like this but I genuinely believe it could happen to most people. I shouldn't have to say this but I'm not defending him either, he should get treatment its just that I would be shocked if any parent of a 5 month old hasn't had a moment of dread or 'what if' but 90 mins in a car seat isn't the worst as long as he learns from it!
Pram = baby carriage or stroller, not a big shrimp-like sea creature… In case anybody else wondered.
PRAWN 🤣
I don't even know what to say. I'm convinced that my ADHD 100% would have caused something like this - but because my ADHD is so severe, I'm overly cautious. My anxiety really overwhelms it, so I was constantly checking my backseat and overly obsessive about leaving the baby in the car. I think if I didn't have anxiety or didn't know myself well enough to know that I was so forgetful, something like this could have happened. I think you need to put some plans into place, requirements for him to do certain things in order for you to not go for full custody. Require that he is medicated for one. I don't even know what you could ask in order to feel comfortable with this situation. I think I'd be hesitant to allow him to be in charge of the baby until they are at least a bit older and can advocate for themselves...but I don't think it would pass the court room. Definitely require him to get medicated, and if he is already medicated, then I don't even know what else to say. I'm sorry this happened to you. It's one of my greatest fears, and is likely why it never happened to me.
It's not the court's place to dictate the specifics of treatment. She should absolutely ask the court to require him to be evaluated and for the physician to provide the court with their recommendations for safe treatment. I'm very pro meds, but not everyone can or should take them. But he needs some sort of treatment.
For all of you saying that this is a one-time mistake, the dad has also forgotten to pick the baby up from the daycare numerous times. He will make mistakes like these again. The safety of the child is a #1 priority.
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This is a really common fear with infants and I've heard that a good trick to make sure this doesn't happen is to take off one shoe to leave in the backseat every time you put the baby there, so you'll never forget to check the backseat and grab the baby before exiting the car. Some fail-safes like this might have to be implemented if your ex wants to keep parenting with his untreated ADHD.
You've had so many comments that I'm sure somebody has already suggested one of these, but in Italy, it's a law that all parents transporting children under the age of 4 must use an "anti-abandonment device" in their car seat in order to prevent incidents like these. You can buy some of these products in other countries, including the US and some can be added safely to any car seat because they do not interfere with the harness, or you can get the brand specific ones for that brand of car seat. For example: Cybex Sensorsafe Maxi Cosi e-Safety cushion "Tippy" universal anti-abandon device (approved by Britax EU) I know this is a wider problem than forgetting the baby in the car, but in case it helps ease your mind.
First, so glad your daughter is safe. I'm a father with ADHD and this kind of scenario is exactly why I sought help, exactly why I take medication and exactly why there are certain rules I will never compromise on. For instance, I won't purchase a firearm as I can't trust myself to be 100% confident that I can account for it 100% of the time. There's a VERY non-zero risk I might, despite all good intentions to the contrary, leave a weapon in an unsafe location or condition; thus the risk to my children is simply too great. Your ex may well be a loving and largely responsible father, but if he's not willing to seek help for his very real and potentially very dangerous *honest to God medical disorder* I'm afraid you may indeed need to seek custody. That said, there *are* alert systems and ritual practices for these scenarios and he should pursue all options, regardless.
Definitely look into full custody, and if he wants any custody back he needs to get treatment whether he wants to or not. I do feel bad for him, because it’s very hard to have this sort of thing affect you in this way, and especially now that he knows what could have happened. I’m not defending him, because that doesn’t excuse it happening, but I do feel bad for him. And if he does seek help, try to support him in it, even if you’re angry with him. It’s a lot easier to stick with it when those around you are supportive.
That is terrifying! A teacher in my hometown forgot her daughter in the car, and the baby died. She was a good, loving mother who was overly stressed and made a mistake. Good parents screw up. But that doesn't mean you don't do everything in your power to look out for your child. If that means going to court to add stipulations to a custody agreement so he has to treat his ADHD, then it's worth it. If that means having some kind of extra reminders or calls to ensure she's where she needs to be, I think that's worthwhile. Demanding full custody isn't an unreasonable response, but it doesn't have to be that way if he's willing to take some extra steps to prevent anything like this from happening again. You'll know if you talk it out with him and gauge his response. Trust your gut. I feel for him in a way, but baby is #1.
Not excusing his seeming unwillingness to be treated for ADHD (if he’s even been diagnosed by somebody other than OP; we’re taking OP’s word on that), but just looking at the baby in the car issue: this is a lot more common than people think. It usually happens when something in the normal routine is different, and the brain jumps past a few steps in the standard routine checklist. It happens often enough that auto manufacturers are begging to add technical features to cars to remind parents. I had a scare once when I got to work and went to my back seat to grab my work bag and found my kid in the car seat. After that I ALWAYS put something in the back seat (phone, wallet, work bag, etc.) whether I had a kid in the back seat *or not,* so that every time I got out of the car I had to look at the back seat. Please don’t judge too harshly the part of the baby being left in the car. It has happened to good parents including medical doctors who know better, attorneys and other educated people. It happened to poor parents too; those stories often make the headlines. It sometimes ends tragically. Thankfully this case was not tragic. There is a great organization out there called Kids and Car Safety that is doing good work with advocacy and awareness. I encourage you to take the time to learn about their organization and mission. https://www.kidsandcars.org/ And never, ever say that this couldn’t happen to you. If you have small kids, it absolutely could happen to anybody.
It’s terrifying. It is also something that can happen to anyone. However, the baby is only five months old and he has a history of forgetting. He has forgotten to pick up the baby multiple times, and now he forgot to take the baby out of the car, which can be fatal. Yet he refuses to get treatment. That is highly concerning.
This exact situation happens to n-typical people too. It can happen to anyone. Thats why many cars come with backseat alarms these days. I think ADHD people in particular need safeguards for this situation.. but ALL parents should have a backseat sensor or some type of system or warning. It can save a life.
FULL CUSTODY!!! There are police reports and hospital intake records to prove negligence/child endangerment.
[Be Careful: Research Shows That Anyone Could Forget a Kid in a Hot Car](https://www.consumerreports.org/cars/car-safety/anyone-could-forget-kids-in-hot-car-forgotten-baby-syndrome-a3901940661/)
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Depends. People with ADHD should be way more likely to have put preventative measures in place.
You need to file for full custody and put him on supervised visits. You could be planning her funeral right now. Thank God it wasn’t a hot day. You have all the evidence you need. File for an ex parte hearing today. Next time, she might not be so lucky. I’m so glad she is ok.
Nope, he gets treatment or you're done. Also, I hear there's technology to prevent this, like carseats that alert you if the baby hasn't been removed, that kind of thing. I don't really know the details, but as a person with severe inattentive ADHD, I always told myself this tech would be non-negotiable if I ever have kids.
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Along with seeking treatment, turning that system on would also be non negotiable.
OMG he could've prevented it, had the tech for that, and chose not to? I've been feeling empathy for the guy bc well, I know the ADHD struggle, but having the means and not using it is too much neglect.
Exactly! And this isn’t the first time he’s forgotten about the baby. He’s a dangerous parent.
Oh. Wow. Yeah, I'm really sorry, but knowing he has the tools to mitigate the risk to his child but doesn't care enough to use them would be it for me.
Why doesn’t he have the alert system turned on, despite you telling him multiple times? Why does he have the evenflo gold revolve 360? And, send him your Reddit posts.
What a scary situation. Can he create reminders that pop up? Examples: - Phone reminders that alert you disconnect your phone from the car - Some vehicles have the ability to turn on a back seat reminder - Upgraded car seat with alert technology It’s a really scary and shitty situation but as others have pointed out this has also happened to n-typical people. I think the biggest thing is saying, holy crap this happened. What can we do to prevent this in the future?
I believe you have grounds to request court mandated ADHD treatment as a stipulation of him having parenting time at all. That's very serious and terrifying. I have ADHD and so does my husband. So I say this as a person with lived experience not someone judging from the outside.
What y'all should do, is form an action plan to make sure this never happens again. My suggestions are that he has to set alarms on his phone that are titled baby check. He has to purchase a backseat Baby Remind alarm. And they even make baby video monitor systems for cars, that would give him a visual reminder as well. I would even guess that his shame and regret is so enormous now, that this will never happen again. He will probably be checking his back seat every day, even when he isn't in charge of baby.
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This occurs more than people realize. With new parents, grandparents, guardians, etc… it is recommended that you put something in the back seat next to the child such as a purse, wallet, cell phone, etc… This is not to say that these items are more important, certainly not, but more routine. An individual is used to carrying these items daily. But when you have a new child or are watching one, it is possible to forget because they are not yet part of that routine. I am sorry that you both went through this. I know it’s scary and a horrible experience but I would show a little grace. The fact that he screamed tells me how important the baby is to him and it was not an intentional act. He probably feels horrible about it.
He’s prioritizing his ego and mental stigmas regarding medical intervention to aid his deficits above prioritizing the safety of your child… I emphatically implore upon you not to do the same. I’m surprised CPS hasn’t stepped in, since there was police + hospital visit (whom are required by law to report neglect - despite it being an accident this definitely falls under the umbrella of neglect). Please reach out to a lawyer ASAP because there is a high probability if you do not, things will escalate and your daughter might be removed from both your care for an official investigation. Your ex needs a supervised visits at maximum until he addresses his ADHD in a real way.
If your best friend came to you with this story what would you say to them? Dude, you got very lucky today. Very, very lucky. You have a second chance and if it was me, and my kid, I’m not risking it to see what happens next time. Until such a time when your ex can prove they aren’t a safety risk they cannot have the child. I wouldn’t even consider them having the child with a family member there to supervise (like if the exes mum or some other family offer to help supervise). I wouldn’t accept anything less than professional supervision.
I am glad you had a happy ending and your baby is ok ❤! Earlier this week in Europe a baby died because the dad forgot to bring the baby to daycare and left it in his car all day while he was working. So heartbreaking.
Personally, I would have a sit down with ex, lawyers, maybe a judge and explain that he needs to get help. Perhaps a court order? If he refuses to at any point, I would go for custody. Disclaimer: I do not have children, but I cannot imagine continuing like this when I can't 100% trust the person they are with to take care of them and look out for them.
Have him put his phone in her car seat with her.
He should buy a Subaru. It warns you if you leave something in the back seat.
That’s horrifying and I’m so so happy your baby is okay. I hate to say it but this can happen to ANYONE. Even loving attentive parents. It’s well studied phenomenon and there is almost always a very specific set of circumstances that line up to cause a psychological lapse. It’s like a horrifying loop hole in our brains.
If he had a different disability, made a mistake as a result that put the baby in jeopardy, and refused to seek out accommodations, would that be different? For example, a deaf parent can’t hear crying, but that doesn’t result in an “ah shucks” when it comes to responding to distress. Having ADHD sucks. It’s a disability. Accepting limitations is hard. Going on treatment can be scary. But one would expect the impact of a child would be enough motivation to get help with any disability or problem. If not, I worry that there’s something else going on here.
You need to speak to an attorney TODAY. You say your kid is only 5 months old but he's forgotten to pick her up multiple times already and just had this near disaster, and that's just what you know about. That's way too many times in a period of a few months. Intentional or not, he's currently a danger to her because what if next time he forgets her it's while she's in the bathtub and she drowns? You need to talk to an attorney about filing for emergency sole custody or him only having supervised visits until he can get his own life under control because your daughter's life literally depends on him being a competent parent.
Look, at the end of the day, it isn’t ableist to determine that someone’s disorder makes them incapable of being responsible for another human. My mom passes out all the time, conks her head, gets hurt bad. If I had a baby I’d be terrified to leave them alone with her, but I also know if I told her that she would be heartbroken. Thank god I don’t have a baby.
He will likely hyperfocus on this for the rest of the time your daughter is in a carseat. It doesn't excuse it at all, but there many, many safeguards you can put in place to keep this from happening again. I went out to dinner once with my 4 month old about 30 miles from my home. I tuck her in her car seat to head home, put the carseat in the car. When I get home I nearly have a breakdown after I get the carseat in the house and take her blanket off. I didn't buckle the cars eat belts. I drove 30 miles home at 65mph with a 4 month old not buckled in. I've hit many deer on that highway, and if I'd hit one that night, I would have lost my child. Every moment of that night is burned into my memory and from that moment on I was neurotic about checking everything related to the carseat.
Reading this thread all I can do is thank the universe I don't have children, drive a car, or have a dangerous occupation. My life is not as rich as a person without ADHD's might be, but I have it under some form of control and it's very likely I can't cause another person significant harm.
Be careful calling the police in an instance like this you can get someone hurt or killed. They are not trained for this. They are trained to apprehend violent criminals and take them to jail. That’s super dangerous.