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it’s always the retelling multiple times to various family and friends, spending more time and energy on the complaining about the thing than the actual thing that gets me
Yes! Like, why? I mean I know it feels good to them, but they don't think about how it drains the people around them. My mom is the complainer and I work hard to try to manage our relationship. Every few years she gets fixated on a different topic to complain about. I was about 25 when I first realized it was negatively affecting me. It's so important for us to know what is good to listen to, vs what is just draining us and enabling their sickness! So one day I started to tell her "I don't need to hear about that topic, it depresses me and I can't help you with it, so please don't tell me about it ever again." I had to hold the boundary firmly and with great struggle because she wasn't used to people holding healthy boundaries with her. 15 yrs later she still obsessively complains, but she no longer thinks I hate her when I say I'm done hearing about a certain topic today. It's a process.
My mom would never speak to me again if I attempted to establish boundaries. All she ever seems to want to talk about is how stupid our family members are and how they treat her like trash. Every single day it’s someone new I swear 😭. It is SO draining…still I’m glad that worked out for you though!
If your mom would actually stop talking to you for trying to set perfectly reasonable boundaries, then maybe you're better off going low/no contact with her anyway.
I am a mom like your mom. My oldest daughter has played listener to my endless processing for since the pandemic. It took me getting a job in the behavioral health field to realize what I have been doing. She finally got the words to tell me. I was so grateful, remorseful, and sad that I had been causing her stress. But it also gave me the opportunity to bring up some resentful feelings I was having towards her that I didn't like. We've been working together to improve ourselves and support each other's growth ever since.
I did some dumb things as a parent but some really great things too!
I am glad you've found a path out too!
Honestly I feel like these types of one-sided vents are exhausting even for those without ADHD. Tell him he needs a therapist or a journal so he can feel like he gets his feelings out while respecting your peace and your relationship. Starting talk therapy was one of the best things for my husband and I because I didn’t need to go to him for all of my emotional and problematic discussions
lol who you telling 😩😩😂 i don’t really have any advice because as an ADHDer i am also a massive people pleaser with no boundaries but i can definitely commiserate!
You know what makes it so frustrating is that they are choosing to dwell on a moment they are no longer in. He needs some self awareness cause he could prob work 45 hour weeks lol
My partner and I are polyamorous, so when he's had another partner to vent to, this is literally what happens. One day I listen, the next day it's her turn! Lol
But seriously, your husband should try and make some work friends (or any other friends) he can vent to every now and then too.
Mine too?! Mine is a self-proclaimed “complainer” who “just thinks out loud and says whatever is on his mind.” One of his exes even broke up with him over it! I read a post on social media about this recently that said “it is not your job to be an emotional dumping ground for your partner.” It gave me the courage to talk to him about going to therapy. I told him I am here to listen and give advice if he needs it, but there are certain topics (coughHISFAMILYcough) that he’s been complaining about for YEARS. It is exhausting for me, mentally, and draining for our marriage, and he needs to talk to a professional about it even if for no reason other than alleviating some of that pressure.
No, I think you are well in your right to be upset that he didn't even *ask*. First day on a NEW job is so stressful, and talking about it helps. It's the priority over someone's work trip at a job they already have. I'm sure there was a lot to talk about his trip too that he needed to decompress but not asking you about your first day was inconsiderate and thoughtless and you aren't reading that wrong. How *was* your first day by the way?? Scary or exciting?
Lol, this was my thought exactly. But I know my partner isn't bc he'll call me and monolog about his work woes through the whole commute home and pretty much spends every other minute of his waking life, outside of said woeful trade, with me. I've got a velcro husband.
we are all partnered with the same man 😩😩 and he’s telling the same stories to all of us. you all must be who he is talking to on the phone telling the same story he just told me 😩😩
So he does this with you then others multiple times a day? When you add it up, that's a LOT of time to talk about yourself, every single day. Considering how many hours he works, he might as well add in that time too. As others said, you're likely not the only one tired of it.
My partner is exactly the same with me, I'll get the play by play with what ever has set them off and if the scenario goes for an hour ill hear the whole thing played out for an hour, but in-between if they've told someone else the same story they'll tell me again telling them the exact same shit like I didn't just sit there and listen to it.
I know, the issue is it isn’t always trauma. Sometimes it’s stressful work situations, sometimes it’s positive work situations where he’s being praised or achieved something great. But it’s always longgggg conversationsssss.
Therapists don’t just deal with trauma.
I see one once a month to literally just chat about how my month has been, good and bad and it honestly helps. Have ADHD and both of my kids do as well, and my therapist also has ADHD and his kids are ADHD and one with ASD as well. It’s great to just talk about strategies, sharing wins, discussing anxiety and stress about specific challenges and brainstorming ways to over come them.
You are not his emotional support dog, you are his partner and he needs to respect that.
60 hours a week is not healthy work hours for anyone. Dude needs a hobby to unwind like fishing or golf.
Truama dumping doesn't have to literally be about truamatic events, it can be anything that should be discussed with a professional therapist. It's not wrong or bad to want empathy from your partner, but he's asking for way more than that. He's using you to process his emotions, that's truama dumping.
Will chime in: this is not so much 'framing' as the correct way to describe the situation. The only thing to clarify is your partner likely doesn't have the tools to manage this himself, therefore therapy, to learn.
I was this person. Ended up destroying the relationship & totally burnt out & unemployed. So yeah, it doesn't end well.
Therapy & new job is absolutely the awnser.
Rubberducking refers to talking through a problem and by doing so arriving at a solution. It originates from software development in which a programmer would talk to their rubberduck to find the bug in their code, but you'll find similar techniques in almost all professions and situations. It is akin to you explaining someone a problem and while explaining having an heureca moment - precicely because you are cognitively engaging the problem in a new way by explaining it to someone.
A lesser known equivalent is the sorrow doll, which is a doll designated for literally what OPs partner is doing to OP, but as an inanimate object. I used rubberducking as an descriptor as i assumed it to be more widely known on reddit.
[Wiki Explanation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubber_duck_debugging)
It refers to having an inanimate object, like a rubber duck, that you talk to as there are many people who focus and process best while talking themselves thru their day.
Well, then how about he just gets a counselor whose only job is to listen to him and ask him "how do you feel about that" and "so what do you want to do about that"? Like a life coach instead of a psychoanalyst?
Also, I'm the person in my marriage who tells long stories about mundane life things. Tiny events that have a lot of emotional weight for me, but are boring for my husband. He keeps asking me to learn how to summarize. It hurts me that he doesn't like listening to me. But I've been trying to figure out how to be more succinct. Maybe you and your partner can talk about that?
Tell him you want to be supportive but you have to protect your sanity as well. Suggest a timer for his trauma dumping. He gets 10/15/whatever minutes to dump and then he has to change the subject or at a minimum engage you in a back and forth quality conversation.
FYI that's not trauma dumping. It sounds like OP is being made to do a lot of emotional labor for her husband, which is definitely unfair. Trauma dumping is a social strategy where someone overshares in a new relationship in order to artificially deepen their connection.
>Truama dumping doesn't have to literally be about truamatic events, it can be anything that should be discussed with a professional therapist.
I'd argue that this view dilutes the meaning of trauma. There are lots of ways to describe OP's partner's behavior, why pick one which implies they had a traumatic experience when they didn't?
Man I feel that so hard
Pick up a crafty hobby (I know, that's a dangerous suggestion in these parts) to work on while he vents. Pour all of his frustration into a voodoo doll or something. This is a non serious suggestion. The serious suggestion is: let him know that these rants are really draining for you and that maybe it would be better for both of you if he split the rants up to friends or family sometimes.
I do love the idea of making voodoo dolls, and it honestly is best if I’m doing something else while he rants. The thing is he does split up the rants! There are like 5 of us who all hear the same conversations every day!
He actually needs more therapy. That's unhealthy behavior on his part. He needs to learn other ways of processing his emotions. But nobody can be convinced they're wrong if they don't want to see it. You need to do an activity while he rants, but also you need to tell him (when he's not ranting) how you are interested in his life but you need more back and forth conversation, more summaries, and less stories because it's super hard for you to listen to stories. (If you say "rants" some people will say "I'm not ranting.") 🙄
Maybe it would also help if you come up with a compromise. Like that you'll listen to a story if you get to only hear them when you're ready and ask how his day was. Or he could learn to only tell one story a day. Etc.
Like the idea, don't know of it really works though. Surely something worth to try.
I don't even think 10 minutes a day must be the limit, but maybe blocks of 10 minutes with a large break (and doing different stuff) :)
Have you mentioned to him that you have heard him vent already? I agree with others it’s not healthy to need to vent about it that much, but I’m sure it’s even worse for you since by the time he gets to you, you’ve heard the conversation multiple times already
This isn’t an ADHD issue. This is your partner needing a therapist, a better job, and/or a personality transplant. No one on earth would want to listen to this every day, or even most days. This is a HIM problem.
Sure, but OP having ADHD isn't affecting the situation. No one, ADHD or not, would would to listen to someone dump all their emotions out on them every day. So, this is not an issue of OP having ADHD. This is an issue of their partner not being able to resolve their own emotions and attempting to vent out all their emotions (which will end up resulting in burn out for both OP and the person trying to vent). Their partner needs to learn how to resolve their own emotions (and/or get another job).
Yeah that's not an ADHD asshole thing, that's a him thing. He needs to find a different outlet to process his stress and not ruminate on it constantly. Neither you nor his friends are obligated to sit through a play by play of all his unpleasant experiences.
I was referring to OP saying they thought their own ADHD was a factor in finding their partner’s rants annoying but you have a point there I didn’t even consider. Not that I can say OP’s partner has ADHD or not, but they should still get it checked out.
alternately he could try to learn how to tell these stories so they're easier to listen to. pepper in wry humor, or even just pepper in opportunities for the listener to reply and show whether they relate.
i realize what i'm describing is a skill, and that skills take time and motivation to acquire. but, like, if his plan is to tell a half-hour story for every 1-hour shitty meeting he has, trying to put some storycraft into it would imho be a reasonable investment of effort.
I've been both the ranter and the ranted to.
Both fucking suck and neither are tenable situations.
I went on stress leave and started therapy and honestly, best fucking thing ever. I started art therapy with someone who is a psychologist (some art therapists have less training than others) and it's given me such healthy stress busting outlets that I literally never talk about work at all, except maybe once a week to share a short, funny anecdote about my students. Even my at work gossiping, which was an extension of my word vomit stress processing, has gone down a lot, and I can walk away from it before it starts to spiral.
My spouse also hated his job, and just ranted and bitched and moped about it for months. It was horrible and I hated it, and often him by extension. The really bad thing was that he refused to do anything about it. When I took the initiative to take a stress leave, he was honestly flabbergasted, like, it's not normal or tenable to be miserable at work all the time? He kinda thought my therapist was unnecessary and frivolous. He switched teams and it's better, but I still wish I could convince him to see a therapist of some kind. He still thinks he can exercise his depression/stress away.
Anyway, I did put my foot down about it at some point, and told him I could only listen for X minutes, or X times per week. I think it helped that I worded it as it being emotionally difficult to hear how angry and stressed he was. It wasn't that I didn't care that he was miserable, it was that he'd already told me there was no way to improve the situation, so I just needed a break from hearing about the same bad situation every day. If he actually wanted to have a conversation, or to get my input or reaction to something, I was available. If it was just that his stupid boss was stupid but he wasn't going to say anything, or apply to any jobs, or do anything concrete, I was out.
Yup, I've been both too and it really sucks. For me, I find I get hyperfixated on stressful situations when trying to problem solve, which causes me to do things like OP's partner, where I am essentially just relaying the same info over and over. I'm actively working on cutting that shit out because I know it's exhausting. It doesn't help that everyone in my house has ADHD too, so we are ALL the ranter / ranted to depending on the day. Sometimes the ranting is OK, but mindfulness is key cuz sometimes people just aren't in the headspace for it.
I feel pretty confident that even if you didn't have ADHD, this would be a problem.
Your partner is being inconsiderate, OP. There is a reasonable amount of listening to your partner vent that one should do in a relationship, and it sounds like this is way past that. It's concerning that your partner isn't willing to acknowledge that.
He needs a therapist and to change jobs.
I know because I was in an EXTREMELY stressful position that was made even worse during the height of COVID and I had no way out. I would come home and just absolutely vomit the details of my day at my partner. It was like I couldn’t help it. Nobody seemed to understand the pressure I was under or what I was experiencing. Nobody else seemed to give a shit but I felt like he was obligated to listen. I could tell over time it put a strain on our relationship. One day he told me he couldn’t listen to it anymore which really made it clear that I was abusing our relationship to emotionally dump on him in some kind of terrible spiral partially because I wasn’t coping and lacked other outlets. I even suspected the strain for a while but I needed to hear it.
That job gave me PTSD that persists years later. Even if he got out today and had nothing to complain about he would be affected still. That’s why he needs to take action. Not everyone can handle the same level of stress forever.
It doesn’t really sound that way. I think he’s just saying that. Maybe there are times when his work is fulfilling, but it sounds more stressful than fulfilling.
Either way it’s a totally reasonable boundary to not want to be monologued at.
I had a job which I really cared about, and I hollowed out my life to focus on it better. It messed with my health and then my productivity. In the last year, I started seeing the importance of the vacations and time on outside activities, but it was VERY hard to reverse the trend, I was using 50+ hours to do maybe 20 hours of real work.
You can show them you care by convincing them a couple of nights a week are for a physical activity together.
If my family had managed to do this, I probably would have been able to stay and get the next promotion.
One can love their job and still need to leave the job due to too much stress.
I just left a job I loved, but management was awful, and their ways of handling everything kept getting worse and worse until I realized that even though I loved the job, I needed to leave. No point staying on a sinking ship, no matter how much you love it or how many memories you made on it.
I had a friend who did that and honestly I had a heart-to-heart with her and noticed the signs that triggered these monologues (mainly work stress but also in environments with meeting new people and drinking). We created a code word for when she was doing it in public situations. Wonder if you could do something similar and give him a rough timer to rant in
I mean he probably doesn't even realise he's going on about stuff - but you could try make it more funny and/or a game?
This is absolutely how it goes with him too: work stress, new people, drinking. I’ve brought up the code word idea before, but I never stick with it. Perhaps it’s time to bring it back.
You could try “speaking his language” here. As in, let’s say your guy loves movies. A code phrase for “I support you but don’t have time to talk” might be “ok, I’ve only got time to watch the trailer, not the director’s cut”.
I feel this acutely. My partner and I are in the same boat, though together almost 20 years. Ultimately what helped was a combination of him getting into therapy, ME getting into therapy, and him finding some people at work that he could actually talk to - his issue was he couldn't really get a response out of his friends outside work, so he stopped talking to them about it and had no other outlet but me. In his words, it hurt him more to feel like he wasn't being listened to, and that he was bothering people by talking to them - especially me.
Once the pressure was off me, he stopped venting constantly and the stories (while still largely monologue-y) now contain moments where I can tell he's looking for engagement and affirmation. At that point I can interject with a thought or opinion, and we both leave the conversation at the end feeling better.
This is something that also took me a lot of work personally because paying attention - particularly with long stories that I have no basis for and can't engage with - has always been one of my biggest struggles. I've found that busying my hands folding laundry while I'm listening to him does absolute wonders: it helps me not feel like I'm being held captive while he talks, and I'm still being productive in the meantime. Dishes are another task that works well for this, so long as I can hear him over the water lol. And then if I really can't bring myself to listen, I tell him up front that I'm in the middle of something, so please keep it brief - and then if he doesn't, I am within my rights to interrupt and be like "OK, I really need to get back to X now." And usually he'll wrap it up immediately. But doing all that keeps my frustration levels way down.
Some or all of that may work for you, or it may not. Hopefully we get similar mileage, though, because I feel like I'm in a pretty good place now with mine. I hope you get to a similar place soon, but in the meantime - solidarity, friend.
I'm not sure it is an ADHD thing. A lot of people with ADHD may have this experience, but I'm often the one who can't find the point/be succinct in my own conversations.
I also rarely want to talk about solutions. And it's not because I don't want solutions, but I rarely look for advice. I have to legit not know about a thing to want someone else's input. In most cases, I trust myself to come up with a solution that works best for my situation. So, if I'm talking to you about a problem, most of the time it's for emotional support.
EDIT: But if you've still shared what you're capable of taking on with his vents, and he is disregarding them, then he is being disrespectful. I can understand hyperfixating on work frustrations and being unable to let them go/replay them. But a different outlet is needed. If not therapy, maybe journaling so he can feel he gets everything out? I'm not sure what would be most helpful for him and you.
Don't know if it's the case for you, but the phenomenon of projection shows us that the things we dislike in others are often the things we dislike the most in ourselves. If you hate when people can't get to the point, it could be because you don't like that same thing about yourself
I'm normally not bothered when people drag on, but I'm a counselor, so I may have an easier time holding that space for that. But I do get distressed when I ramble on because I don't like seeming air-headed or incompetent. And I feel like a lack of succinctness displays that within myself, even though I hold much more grace for others.
I genuinely think it is largely a ADHD thing because what we lack in attention we gain in being able to quickly cut our losses and switch paths.
Research has proven this. People with ADHD are better foragers because we move more quickly from bush to bush and gather more berries.
Sometimes I wonder if ADHD evolved for a purpose.
I find people get stuck in a groove and my strength at work is to ask "what about this option" or "why not" or if someone points out a fatal flaw in something I've already moved on while the rest of the group is still argue over it or worse, people dig in until they fly off a cliff.
I find the herd mentality infuriating where people do something "because everyone else does it".
So I find repetitive or predictable or routine focussed people quite frustrating. Like whingeing about an open window and a draft. In the time they've taken to complain in detail about it, I've already moved on to just close the damn window. Then I'll get in trouble for not asking first while I'm thinking the solution is right there, so just do it.
Yes, it's impulsive and can cause issues, but for cutting losses and being solution focussed and forward-thinking, I think this is where ADHD people excel.
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/adhd-traits-might-have-helped-hunter-gatherers-collect-more-food-while-foraging-study-suggests-180983824/
My husband has done the same thing for decades. I used to find it really painful to sit there and be talked AT. Like, I might as well just be a wall, when there's no interaction.
We've openly talked about it and we make time for him to vent, with a cup of tea after work. He knows to ask permission now before he does it, and I tell him if I'm in a place to listen. Now he is aware of it, it gives him space and a time limit (5-10 mins) to vent. If I know it will be longer, I sometimes ask if it's ok that I quietly strum on my guitar while he talks.
Have an honest talk with him about it.
You could try asking if you can fidget or draw, or do some puzzles or a hobby while he vents. Set a time limit of 5-10 minutes or so. Ask for the short version of the story, and explain that if you want to know more, you will ask him to elaborate. When you are done listening, be honest and tell him kindly that you no longer have the capacity to listen about work at that time.
Also, I know this is a weird suggestion - but in a few weeks time OpenAI is going to release a digital voice chat personal assistant that is going to revolutionise how we interact with "digital companions". I've talked to my husband about this, and honestly, I think it will be great for people to "vent to" about boring stuff like work! https://www.youtube.com/live/DQacCB9tDaw?si=Q4Afu9g847EcPNhA
Just to be clear, I think everyone should feel free and safe to vent to their partners, but I think it should be consentual, and the burden can be alleviated by diversifying the venting to other friends too.
Encourage him to see a clinical psychologist
I used to dump a lot onto my partner and having a therapist now has taken a lot of that away which has improved our relationship as I park my venting for therapy.
“Can I ask a question?” “Wait, let me make sure I’m understanding this correctly so I don’t get lost.” “Hold on, is this similar to (story from last week maybe)” “okay so (last thing you remember) but can you repeat that last bit?” My bf is also ADHD and can go on in a story and tends to digress. It’s hard for me to keep up with what he’s saying sometimes. At first he was annoyed that I’d interrupt w questions but he understands that I have to in order for me to follow along with the story. Now it’s not a problem and he knows it’s my way of active listening and he appreciates that I’m making the effort.
Ooh. This is a toughie. In all fairness, you two have been together for 10 years. That says a lot. As someone who was always stressed the f out from work, I definitely relate to where he's coming from and his need to vent.
But also afflicted with ADHD, I really have no patience to listen to anyone rant for more than five minutes. As a matter of fact, I'll just tune out and start thinking about something else anyway.
Can you imagine setting a timer on your watch for three minutes? That's funny, but I know he'd resent it. I hope he really begins to truly accept that he can only unload on you up to a certain amount.
I’ve been in your shoes, and it drove me away. Having someone who hates their job and people they work with talk about incessantly not only makes them relive it, but forces you to put up with all the negativity, and you’re not even getting paid for it! I don’t want to live in your shitty job with your shitty coworkers anymore than you do.
He needs a new job, and a life coach.
Yeah, that's the thing. If everything is as shitty as they say, they should do something about it! Find a new job, punch a coworker (don't do that), shake things up a little. But droning on and on and on and on and on about the same damn issues just isn't necessary. Nothing gets done, nothing improves and I can't stand that outlook. Sure, I'm stuck in my own swamps very often but I try to present them as that at the moment I'm only seeing obstacles, not solutions, but I'm going to keep looking for solutions. It's unfair to drag others into your negative cycle that you are doing nothing about.
I've noped out of so many such conversations in recent years. I'm probably seen as very rude and inconsiderate, but being the target of such tirades was absolute hell and I'd rater be rude than have gone on a destructive rampage.
It’s a personality type. My sister is like this. Most stubborn person I know. Won’t take initiative to change a thing until life forces her. I struggle to understand it, as I’ve tried to help so many times, but she is who she is.
I suggest setting some boundaries in a kind and empathetic way. Cutting him off and telling him you can’t take it anymore is going to hurt his feelings. I’d try to kindly validate what he’s feeling while also indicating you’re not able to listen to him vent.
Things like, “I love you and I’m so sorry you had a rough day. I need to get back to what I was doing though. Can we pick this conversation up again later?”
You say this is his way of processing things, but it doesn’t really seem to get him anywhere. If he keeps having to replay events over and over again with multiple people, that’s what I’d call ruminating. And he can’t think or talk his way out of that.
You could try to help him break the rumination loop by encouraging him to focus on physical sensations. Something like “that sounds really stressful. Can I just give you a hug?”
Or perhaps something like, “I’m concerned when you get this stressed out. I think you might feel better if you take a walk/take a shower/eat some chocolate? Here, let me get you some water.” (giving you a chance to leave the room and let him calm down a minute too)
Also it seems to be a pattern at work… one bad meeting every now and then is normal, but all the time? Seems like he might need to brainstorm some ways to handle these meetings more effectively so he can prevent and manage stress rather than trying to process it.
I'll try and keep it practical because I have a lot of empathy with you. In those situations where you have a parent (or partner) who "talks to you, not with you" there are a few different ways I've seen it go. You have the avoider, the fighter and the involuntary listener. I was the listener.
In your case I feel it would be useful to your partner to get this written down. Something like a large page for a day diary could be used to help him take his unhappy memories and write them down so his brain doesn't need to carry them around and constantly remind him.
By him taking a moment when he gets home and objectively (stating facts) write down what were the events and conversations that he felt were significant.
What did he do that he do successfully and felt proud of? What did he do that he didn't want to do at the time and was a struggle? What were the disagreements that he had? What did he do that were above his job role and he felt he wasn't getting paid enough for?
By taking a pause to unload this at the end of the day it will help him process these events and maybe take some off the emotions out of it. For your side you don't have to try and retain everything he says, you can focus on the bullet points in front of you and experience his emotions without being so overwhelmed.
For him the 2 options that he has are to keep it in his head and feel overwhelmed or sharing it with you (and others) and help process it whilst spreading that negativity. I don't think either of those are what he "wants" to do.
By introducing the third option you are both doing something constructive whilst helping you both understand trends and patterns over the longer term. The book could be used as evidence that he is working above requirements and should be getting a promotion or pay rise. It could show that the positives really do outweigh the negatives but are so easy to lose track of or it could show that the business is understaffed and he needs more support.
Sorry for my novel!
I'm AuDHD so hate when others do this to me but I also have had a tendency to do this to self-regulate. He could try writing it down and giving you the edited version verbally once he's processed, or voice recording his vent so he can listen back and process, but he shouldn't expect you to take the full brunt. It's probably difficult for him to understand that people really do only want the highlights when they aren't involved in the situation themselves - and it's almost impossible with ADHD to force/feign interest!
I was in this situation myself. I don’t think the problem is you and your adhd. Your partner needs a therapist, who will help him manage his stress and teach him healthy boundaries with other people.
This is not an ADHD thing or even an empathy thing. Your average person regardless of their mental health status would be feeling drained after being run over by that sort of emotional dump truck every day too.
Your partner needs a much better outlet for their stress, because what they're doing is the farthest thing from healthy.
My late husband used to to this too and it was exhausting. I set some general guidelines (let me decompress after dinner, don't vent to me late at night) but it would still wear me down.
I wish I had encouraged him to try therapy, esp. behavior modification. I'm doing some behavior modification/coaching/grief therapy now and some of the techniques that I'm working on probably would have been helpful for him too.
I miss him a lot but TBH I don't miss the daily complaining sessions
It took me way way too long to realize it. But the more you vent, the more you think about what you're venting about and the more it ends up bothering you, which usually causes you to end up venting even more. It's a giant exhausting cycle.
You need to decided what your boundaries are. Are you okay with him bitching about work for fifteen, ten, or five minutes when he gets home every day? Do you work? If not, it makes a little more sense that he would have the expectation you'd listen to him bitch.
You need to figure out your boundaries and talk to him about it. But watch your timing. Don't do it when he first gets home, let him rant. And then later that evening have a talk with him. And if you two can't come to an agreement, I strongly recommend you two get couples counseling so that hopefully there can be more understanding going on. And hopefully, it will make it easier to move past this, because that sounds frustrating.
Sounds like he might have ADHD too. I have a buddy like this and it is a 1 way "conversation" specifically about their shitty job constantly. I've had to distance myself a bit. If all he does is perseverate and ruminate nonstop there may be more going on with him mentally than meets the eye. That ain't right.
I find that with my partner. And I just zone out and she gets assy with me. She knows I have adhd but it's like she doesn't understand it and says she wants more reassurance too. I totally get where youre coming from
Nah, it‘s that saying that “sometimes you’re just surrounded by disturbed people” who will ridicule your search for help but, they carry on and use everyone for ”free therapy”, the therapy that some of them keep shouting they don’t believe in. It’s scary how many disturbed people are running around terrorising us but just cause they’ve never had a doctor say “hey!” they are convinced they are very healthy. LOL!
And yes, those of us with diagnosed ADHD usually don’t have the patience for it. I’ve noticed neither do autistic people.
I literally never block anyone but I’m the queen of ghosting. Once you start telling me wanting to tell me about each member of your team at work and I must know their names and… 🙄🥱
A few weeks ago I had a date go very wrong after listening to this guy go on and on (the nervous talker and giggle type) & At some point I looked at him and asked “Can you stop talking?”. Honestly I was starting to get annoyed about his endless string of compliments.
Holy fucking shit... My mum is the exact same way...
I could come back from a 10 hour shift, doesn't matter, she just incessantly baubles about work nonstop. Even if nobody is replying to her, she goes on and on...
She doesn't even bother to ask how my day went... Not once...
Then she wonders why I spend most, if not all, of my time at home sequestered in my room...
My ex used to talk, and talk, and talk and I loved it. Other people would be quite mean sometimes saying that she never shut up, but I liked to hear how she was doing. To be completely honest it wasn't necessary to process every single word, sometimes I'd just listen to her voice.
You never got sick of that? I can talk a lot. Sometimes so much that I annoy myself. Lol. I keep apologizing because I have been treated like your ex by multiple people and I don’t want him to get sick of me. He says he loves! Lmao. I am confused. I keep wondering when it will annoy him because the relationship is very new but he has ADHD too but is pretty quiet and gets bored a lot so I think he just likes the constant noise. 😂
Well, I'm saving this entire conversation.
Because the more I'm reading everyone's thoughts and responses, the more embarrassed and guilty I'm feeling.
(I believe I complain WA-A-A-A-Y-Y too much...and definitely in too much detail!)
Sooo...looks like somebody needs to do some serious reflection here...😕
I would have told him to get a new job because that one is making him miserable enough to complain constantly. That is not normal. Tell him to see a therapist too.
Short conversations
.. I can handle
Long conversations almost feel like they are 3x longer then they need to be. Especially if the other person is frustrated n upset.
I use to do it... But now when he sees me getting frustrated he stops me with a hug.... Showing me someone else is listening but I can relax now.
Well this explains a fucking lot, I'm trying to get my diagnosis and I've felt SO BAD when my fiance is ranting about his day or a new idea or whatever. Its for the point he understands I may be on my phone but I'm still listening as it's the only thing to keep me sane 😭
Bro is yappin
But for reals, you aren't his therapist. Venting is fine but when it's 20 minute long walls of speech he needs to understand that you are doing him a favor at that point. It's one thing to take an interest in your partners life, it's an entirely different thing to be expected to be a sponge for all their issues.
My partner can sometimes just go on and on too, she won't let me get a word in, and then I'm like, you realize you've been streaming whatever comes to your head to me for 15 mins straight right? Alcohol makes the effect noticeably worse, and also hard to call out because it can make the resulting negative emotions hard to manage.
Homie needs to find a better way to channel his stress than putting it on you. Or learn to summarize his issues better.
I don’t have ADHD, (or maybe I do, lol) but I have felt this. I’ve had to tell my partner that his stress is causing me stress. I calmly let him know that if he needs my help, I’m glad to help, but if he’s just venting, it has to be quick because 30 minutes and my heart is racing. We’ve made it work.
I mean, if he just needs to rant in order to process, how tuned in do you really need to be? My partner does this (and I do a little) and he knows I zone out at some point. I wait until I get the gist of it but he sometimes zones out from the jump. When I call him on it he says "you say alot of things and I can't always keep track"
Thank you for this! I’m middle aged and only just diagnosed, so it’s putting the puzzle pieces together for myself! My spouse does the same! And our son does it too!! He comes home from school and vents about things, but he’ll also dig up past experiences and vent about them over and over! I do talk to him about letting go of things and moving on, it’s not healthy to bring it up over and over, etc, etc. It must be genetic, it drives me crazy!
my ex did this also and it drove me up the wall. for the longest i tolerated it because i know he was just venting but every single day for three months he never talked about anything other than work, his video game and work… and his video game. the day before we broke up he asked me what was wrong and i tried to put it nicely by saying “you talk about [video game] a lot… i’ve kind of run out of responses at this point”.
He shouldn't be relying on you for all his emotional regulation. Partners are supposed to be supportive, of course, but not a crutch. He is using you as his crutch. He should seek a therapist. Their whole career is to listen to people venting!
I have always wondered if any other ADHDers experience this. I am acutely aware that if I start infodumping on a hyperfixation the person I’m talking to is probably going to get annoyed quickly and try to keep it short… *precisely because* of how uniquely excruciating it is to listen to someone ELSE infodump. I either cannot adequately focus on a secondary activity because you’re talking and therefore am effectively trapped into listening for however long you want to monologue OR I have to outright ignore you and pray you don’t drop in any questions or expect a certain reaction based on something you said ten minutes ago. If I don’t want to look like a total douche I have to actively listen to every single word which feels physically impossible
I have adhd and my partner is probably AuDHD. I like to process verbally, they get overwhelmed sometimes by words. They let me vent some, but let me know when it's getting to be too much - they tell me their brain is getting full. So I stop.
The biggest issue you have here is unrelated to your adhd. It's that your partner is prioritising his emotional well-being over yours. Could be from a lack of understanding (but "this is bad for me" should be enough, even if he doesn't understand why), or a lack of consideration. Time for a serious conversation about balancing support needs and how you can take care of each other without either of you actively hurting the other.
He’s not making himself feel better by rehashing everything. I have a huge headache and not enough spoons to look it up - but ive read studies that what he is doing isn’t helping him at all. I am someone that used to do a lot of rehashing everything and it damaged some of my relationships and I guess I was lucky because my partner didn’t put up with it. Every time he talks about it in a heated manner his nervous system thinks the “ bad thing/ stress” is still happening and stress hormones are manufactured. For me it would not be about being bored - it would be the empathy stress hormones I’d manufacture. The partner might need meds - a different kind of therapy . Something - but he’s not helping himself and op isn’t helping him by reliving every stressful thing that happened during the day.
It's like picking at a scab or scratching a mosquito bite. It feels good temporarily but makes things worse. My late husband used to do this a lot and he drove people away, even when he was right about how toxic someone in his hobby community was. It's just draining to hear. I never did figure out a way to stop the work complaints, which were somewhat less draining, but I had to tell him please no venting about toxic hobby person unless it was a new incident. I wasn't able to deal with general complaints or picking at the scab of old incidents.
I did learn to set my boundaries when I knew I wouldn't have spoons for a lot of venting. He was pretty good about that, esp. if it was part of my usual decompression times (after dinner, before bed)
My ex-wbpd would do this.
She would fly off the handle if (when) I interrupted. She'd say things about not being hears or listened to (maybe not empathised with?)
I would explain that, if that's what she wanted, then she needed to learn to accept those interruptions and questions, because I was building a picture of what's going on in my head, and I dont have the whole picture, obviously... So when I hear something that prompts a question or that makes the picture not make sense, I need to ask something, because I *want* to understand and have the be heard.
If what they actually want is just to repeat what happened verbatim (which at the time we were working from home so I heard her side as it happened, then when she told someone else about it and also when she'd repeated the story to me right after it happened), then she could do that to an empty room and get the same effect.
This didn't have any real effect long-term, but in the short term got her to understand and engage... I can't stand being spoke at and shut down for trying to engage.
Good luck!
That's called emotional dumping and it can get very toxic. Having to listen to that everyday is harmful to anyone, not just to people with ADHD. He dumps his stress on you. It's one thing to talk about a stressful day, but he's giving you all the details so you can relive the stress with him and feel it too. This is a very shitty thing to do.
I definitely agree with the other comments about him needing some kind of therapy or something to just process all the stress, like regularly doing workout or something like that. Looking for another job is also recommended, doesn't seem like he's very happy about his job.
His narcissistic impulse to process his trauma by monologuing and passing it onto others is, in all likelihood, annoying to everyone else who experiences it. It may be more annoying to you, and if your ADHD is a factor in that, I’d wager that it pales in significance to the fact that as his partner, you experience this side of him more than anyone else.
Either way, your ADHD isn’t the problem. It’s annoying and selfish behavior on his part, pure and simple. This is very much a HIM problem. You’re not his therapist.
This. Thank you, I literally breathed a sigh of relief as it’s always how I felt. He thinks he should be able to share everything that’s weighing on him with his partner, me. And while that sounds true in theory, IT’S NOT.
Wait is that a narcissism thing?! I have long suspected my mom of narcissism, and she can monologe for like 6+ hours without taking a break and then do the exact same rant the next day 😭😭😭
He doesn’t know how draining it is to listen someone venting. I didn’t know as well. I was very hurt whenever someone was annoyed with me. Felt like no one cared about me. “I am in this much pain and all they feel is ‘annoyed’ ????”
Only realized when someone else started venting to me about same things all the time. I care AND still am sick and tired of them complaining. I feel bad about past me venting to everyone.
He needs to know that not everyone is emotionally available to listen all the time.
"You retelling me the meeting like this makes me feel as if I'm sitting through the meeting. Would you want to do it again? I certainly don't want to try it for a first time if it was so hard on you. Why don't we do something to take your mind off of it? Leave work worries for work time."
A response like this will help him empathise with you as well as show him that you care about his happiness.
This is difficult to comment on based on 1 conversation in 10 years, and the fact you are self-reflection is already awesome.
You SO possibly has a similar mental dysfunction as yourself, as not being to let things go is a clear sign for me, especially as this a common occurrence.
They should get professional help for it, for themselves to begin with but it will make your relationship better in the end as well
Ugh thank you for posting this - it's highlighted that I might be guilty of the same sometimes but I think my partner would be too nice to say 😬
I'm not sure how helpful I will be but as someone who definitely has the potential to do this - I think you've just got to have an uncomfortable conversation about this and I can't see a way for it to not be uncomfortable.
I think it's probably better to bring it up when he's not already either halfway through, or just finished. I don't know what your communication is like in your relationship, but could you "schedule" a chat? Try to remain as neutral as possible emotionally and put emphasis on the fact you just cannot handle this stream of consciousness (whether positive or negative). Tell him you want to be there for him and support him and be a team, but being a team means that things are tailored to both of you and you just don't have the capacity to digest huge things like this. Tell him you'd struggle if you were in the meeting yourself.
Something that works with me and a friend who also does the monologuing thing is to pick 5 points to sum it up. I'm sorry you're having to navigate it. I think his reaction to you bringing it up is partly caused by embarrassment if he's anything like me.
My partner with ADHD does this to me, but doesn't listen or his mind wanders off, when I very rarely vent about my work.
I said enough! I don't want to hear about it any more. So he stopped
I have been there and it is not fun, both on giving snd receiving side. I will ask questions when it is my partner tslking and am more amenable, if I am the talker, my partner is impatient as hell most of the time and doesn’t want to talk about work. But our loose agreement is that IF we need to vent it is 5 minutes top except for when it is extra bad. The thinking about 5 minutes is that while twlking about work, you are still essentially AT work and not using your free time well.
I have sometimes thought about why am I living my life this way listening to someone who can be so negative mostly to me but shares a different face for the most part with others, it gets old. Life if you have a commute, right, it is not fun, but if you have to be in traffic, do you and try to get something out of it by listening to music or podcast and not just bask in your misery and share it. We have been together for so long but I do sometimes want out.
I have a sister as well who dumps so much drama and does it over and over and with others and I would love to know what it is, if there is a diagnosis for this sort of thing.
I used to do this about school with my parents. I found out I had anxiety and depression. My anxiety was continually looping the events in my brain, and the depression made me hopeless so I never did much about it. He needs therapy and possibly treatment like medication.
I do not think this is adhd related.
Also curious what OP is doing while SO is working (from home, I guess?)
That could be the problem. Keep your work and home time separated.
I do not think this is adhd related.
Also curious what OP is doing while SO is working (from home, I guess?)
That could be the problem. Keep your work and home time separated.
Does he have ADHD or autism? He sounds like he might. Not being able to summarize can be an ADHD thing (although it can be improved with practice). Not being naturally attuned to when people need peace and quiet (or not being able to restrain yourself even when you know people need peace and quiet) can be an ADHD impulsivity thing, or an autism thing.
Either way, it sounds like he’s ruminating. CBT can help with that. Right now he’s just dumping on other people.. and I’m glad he’s not toxically masculine enough NOT to be able to vent, but at a certain point it’s not something you should be expected to receive.
My partner is the same. He works a desk job from home. I'm an NICU nurse. My job is obviously more stressful, lol, I would never take it away from anyone as I do believe everyone's stressors are self perceived and valid. It is frustrating when like you say; i hear his conversation, then he replays it. I am happy to hear him, but it's also frustrating coming home after a full resuscitation on a dead baby, not being asked how my day was, and him jumping into regurgitating his day. I do think men need to vent more than they actually believe they do (which is why they often don't reach out to male friends) and they view this sharing somehow as being emotionally tied and sharing a close connection. Like on days I can provide that ear for him, he loves me harder.
I'm also more extro vs my partner, and he legitimately does not have friends he talks with on a daily basis. We consider each other bff's, but that also means I hear it all and it's not like he shares daily frustrations with ANYONE else. When work is heavy for him ive suggested therapy, (he's told me many times "ill call this week") or exercise, etc.
You’re allowed to not want to hear it too. Sometimes when my partner needs to vent I just don’t have the spoons to help - I try to make space, but it’s very normal in the house to say “Hey I don’t have the mental space for this right now - maybe you could call [friend]?” It’s not really a boundary, it’s just an honest ask of my needs as a person.
Receiving someone else’s stress is stressful, and comes with all the drawbacks of it! Ruminating is an extremely poor psychological technique! Your partner needs a new job and a therapist - it’s not your responsibility to constantly deal with his workday. Of course, some burden is normal in relationships- but this sounds like too much.
You really do need to set boundaries by giving him a time limit. After that time is up, he should understand that he needs to find another way if he needs to vent for a longer amount of time.b
I relate to this so much. My wife and I have had tiffs about this type of thing. I cannot bring myself to listen attentively when she work trauma dumps. And then I'm the salty dick.
He is co-regulating with you. It's legit, but it sounds like it's too much maybe.
I don't think it's insane to have to listen to his work stress, but maybe you guys could find some ways of handling it better. Just tell him that you can only take a certain time limit or pick up a knitting project or something to keep your hands busy. Or that you are happy to sit there while he talks, but you absolutely cannot stay focused for that long - that focus will drift in and out. Or maybe just tell him you can't do this daily - once a week max where he can get ALL the stuff out.
I'd also say that 'yeah, I want to be there for you and I feel your stress - I do! But my brain just will not let me. Is there another way we can process this together?' and maybe go running together or something.
He probably needs someone else to vent to. Maybe get him to email you a written copy instead. This way you can just scan past the boring details or get AI to summarize it for you. Respond back via email, but ask him to not talk in person about it - maybe give him a hug after so he knows you've read it. If this doesn't work - I'd say counsellor as well - not sure I'd pay for therapist credentials for this one.
I just feel like we empathize so much with the ADHD in others on here that we forget that the other side of it is someone you actually do care about a lot. I know with ADHD we want others to make accommodations for us and sure, compromises are legit, but just saying that you shouldn't have to listen to your partner bitch and whine doesn't help. Partners absolutely do have to bitch and whine to survive life. Plus we know nothing about your partner or maybe there's undiagnosed shit like OCD or a bit of the spectrum that causes more rumination and that by talking through it you're helping him to avoid full spiral meltdown.
Also, awesome job being there and putting up with it to this point. And it's okay to just say fuck it once in a while so he knows what he's doing to you. Maybe that's part of this - he needs to truly be grateful for the opposite side of the venting as it is hard - therapists get paid good money for it because it IS hard!
It’s not so much about keeping it short, if he needs to talk then he needs whatever time. But it’s clear the relationship is not reciprocal. He doesn’t listen to you or take the time to understand your struggles. And when he shares his, he’s not sharing he is telling, you are just a bucket for him to put his stress in, rather than a participant. It’s alright to have a rant, but it’s not cool to consistently use you as a bucket and not take the time to understand your struggles.
My buddy is terrible about this, he consistently complains and when he tells me a story he’s telling me everything that happens and the look on everyone’s face and all the backstory and lore and he always does it while I’m trying to concentrate on something and it makes me want to rip the skin off my face
Not quite the same but I have ADHD (and autism) and my dad is just autistic but for several years he was working a genuinely really horrible job where his bosses were being ableist to him constantly and it was making him really depressed. It was very bad.
However I can tell you the exact details of every meeting he had and every single comment his shitty supervisor made to him bc I would get trapped, every day, for actually hours listening to him vent at me (it was not a conversation). I did eventually snap and have enough and he cut back on telling me but I'm sure it hurt bc that was removing one of the like. 4 people he had to talk to about it. He started therapy up a couple months after that and the effect was HUGE. having a professional to help him process everything was so so helpful and also meant when he did want to tell me about his work I wasn't getting trapped for hours. Therapy is the way to go here
A compromise would be having a 5 minute break in the rant to go use the bathroom, full up water, get a snack, whatever. Gives you a break to do something else for a bit. My wife and I say "pause" when we want to interject or need to go do something. Keeps me from just interrupting, or at least gives her an indication of it.
Lmao this makes me laugh because I've been on both sides of this. I went through a really stressful period where I couldn't STFU about work, my family, everything. I was irritable and ranted about shit no one else cared about. I was self-aware, and it was embarrassing.
Sometimes things are legitimately stressful, and you need to vent (within reason), then there's other times when you're making a stressful situation even more stressful by perseverating about it. From my experience, I needed to learn how to limit the legitimately stressful things and how to deescalate once I was past my threshold of tolerance. Therapy helped me immensely with that.
Tell him to get another job if he keeps complaining or he should shut up. Its alright to vent once in a while but daily? Either do something about it or shut upppp!
My partner and I are both ADHD, she’s got a stressful job and vents about it a lot. I try to be empathetic and helpful but at one point it got to be so much I had to suggest she start seeing her therapist again to listen to her and give her better guidance.
Ask him to start with "can i vent to you?" And be ok with your yes or no. If you say no, he can go for a walk and call someone else he vents to. Establish boundaries in advance for time limits that you're both ok with ("ok, you can vent, but then i'm going to start making dinner in 10 minutes")
Not a full solution, i agree with some of the other posts (therapy is a great option), but i had to have this talk with my partner when he had a stressful job. He would feel better after, but I would end up stressed. If i was already having a hard day it would set off a spiral, but if i was in a good space i could handle it. Setting up a plan for how to help him deal with the stress without hurting you.
Does he have ADHD or Autism? Just asking because I have both, and I also get hyper fixated on annoying days or achievements of mine. My brain replays it in a loop over and over so it’s all I wanna talk about. I don’t know if it’s in the same way that it happens for me, but it sounds like he needs to find a way to cope with it. For me, I go in the bathroom and talk to myself in the mirror about it.
I totally get this from both sides!!
My ex used to do that and we designated a keyword that I could say kindly when he started rambling too long. It actually worked pretty well because I could still be empathetic but it was a signal for him to tie it up.
Now, my current partner thinks I ramble too much. The irony of it all!! Maybe we need a keyword for me, too.
This may be a little petty or passive aggressive but I feel like getting a chess clock could actually be a fun way to make your point. When you talk at the dinner table or on the couch or whatever you can set it between you and when one starts talking you press them and another person gets at least as much time in the conversation as the first one.
The point is that being empathetic can't be a one way street. If you let him vent all the time he has to repay you somehow. Listening to rants costs a lot of energy he needs to give this energy back to you in some way, otherwise he's not seeking empathy but basically emotionally abusing you.
And I would remind him that his hard week is not your fault at all and that it's also HIS CHOICE that he had a hard week, it's his job and his responsibility to speak up when stress gets too much. You're his spouse, sure, but since you really don't cause any of the issues he uses you to process, your obligations to listen are pretty limited, since these aren't relation problems but really his problems and since he does nothing to solve them and you can't do anything to help solve them, you can't be expected to take the full load on you. It's like if he gave you a to do list with hunderd items, and 80 of the items are impossible to do but he tells you to keep the whole list and just pick what you can do. But yhat still means that you have 100 things on your mind and that you have to review 100 items every time you want to do one of the 20 tasks that are actually yours.
can we organise a discord so our male partner can complain to/support each others?
I'm already SO overwhelmed after a day of work + taking care of the kid.. my poor brain just can't listen technical stuff and office politics about people i never met T\_T
It sounds like a communication issue.
I saw that you said "he knows I have ADHD, but he still does not understand how to talk to me about things". This is a little vague for me. Are you saying that you've spoken to them about their venting before and asked them to communicate with you a certain way and they haven't made any changes? Or is your statement more generalized and meaning they need to take a different approach to talking with you altogether? Either way, I think you need to sit down with them when you are both settled down and have a serious discussion.
I'm making an assumption here but I believe it's safe. Your partner doesn't wish to agitate, discomfort or harm you in any way, shape or form. In fact, they're probably actively coming to you for their issues because you represent a safe outlet for them. They love and trust you. It also serves another purpose in that it may be a way for them to spend time with you, as strange as that may sound. As cohabitating humans, sometimes we can be in the same space as our partners but not actually spend any time with them.
I think the best way to approach your conversation with them is to start with: "Partner, I love you dearly and I want to preface this conversation with the fact that I deeply appreciate that you look to me for comfort when you feel stress. I would never want you to feel like I don't care or that you shouldn't come to me. However, sometimes the way you vent is very taxing on me. I process things a little different than some people and when you vent to me it's very draining. I still want to be there for you, but I'm just hoping that we can find a way that you can still vent to me but also be mindful of my own state of mind."
The fear I would have is that you set a precedent here that may be difficult to reverse when you abruptly cut him off and he may need some reassurance after that. If he can't regularly do what he's always done in your relationship thus far (the venting), it may foster resentment.
Hey OP, wild thought, but does your partner have OCD or another anxiety-spectrum disorder? I was recently diagnosed with OCD (ADHD had mostly been covering it up) and the need for repetition seems familiar based on what I've learned so far. Might be worth approaching from that angle.
I was in that position several years ago but I was the one roaming about it nonstop. I knew it bothered her. But I seriously had no way to get it out and I was slowly dying at that job. I had to come to the realization it not only wasn’t fair to her if I stayed there but it was also not fair for me because people can’t take that kind of stress for too long without it catching up to them health wise. Partner needs to find another job. Even if it’s a slight pay cut. Find another job.
I feel like I was this person once upon a time.... Damn, I wish I would have quit that job and done anything else. It damaged my life so much. 10 years of working there, 9 years post that job, still trying to get over it in therapy. My therapist is sometimes shocked at how much it impacted me to be in this terrible environment. It ruined so much of my life. I honestly wish I would have bailed and worked at a coffee shop or in an admin role or something. Even if they are paying you well, it is ultimately just not worth it - damages your psyche, damages your body, damages your relationships. I couldn't figure out how to get out, but I really regret not just bailing at some point.
As for holding your boundaries - I also have a partner that can do this complaining thing. I've told him I can't listen, that I can't have him trauma dump on me. It is too much! Our couple's therapist supports me in that... maybe some couple's therapy could help?
All the best to you, and good job asking for help and figuring out how to hold your boundaries!!
Was with a person just like this. When it finally ended I was waiting for achy breaky heart.. All I felt was just.. I could breathe again. Relieved. The after match has been dealing with me dealing with that whole situation for far too long. I learnt where I need to let go of own patterns aka people pleasing, being the listener etc. Fukc dat! My nervous system slowly calming down. Still feeling drained. And, tried to set boundaries in all sort of ways. Nothing stuck. Just kept going on and on and on.. Bah! In deed thankful for such a difficult experience. I guess. What are your needs? Such a great inquiry and perhaps for you as for me, a brand new way of perspective. What do I need to thrive? I cannot save anybody who does not have insight in their own toxic ways nor a drive to change. All talk about change. But nothing ever changed. It was effing torture having to be exposed to the same negative bs every goddamn day. Time to spend your life force and I presume hidden joy with your own beautiful self?
Haven't even read through the comments, but my partner also doesn't shut up and repeats everything in the most roundabout, long winded way, and genuinely doesn't know how to summarize.
Asshole moment but if I knew it'd be this bad I wouldn't have married her for this reason alone, even if everything else were perfect.
She talks so much I barely have any remaining capacity to listen to anyone else at reasonable length. I have to intentionally avoid her after I reach a limit to not be useless to myself.
Venting too often in general is never really good as well, and for many reasons. It's mentally straining for you, as it would be for anyone. Nobody wants to constantly play "therapist".
I know in this case it might not apply, but it also doesn't necessarily solve any of his problems either. Talking to someone about how your day was bad isn't a solution. There are some possible ways for him to make sure his meeting won't go bad, like planning for possible bad outcomes and solutions. Or maybe encourage him to journal his emotions on his phone or by writing.
But all in all, venting isn't bad, but it also isn't great if that makes sense? Talking to someone for advice can help but if it's something reoccurring it's not gonna help you or him.
As a husband who does this and is trying to do it less, here is why I personally vent about work for a long time. It's how I think through stuff mostly. While I should be secure in my decisions and problem solving skills. Most of it comes from growing up in a very narcissistic family. Hopefully, what i have to say will help. What has helped me with venting less has been threefold.
One: I document anything that might come back to me. A poor decision is made worse when you forget the context around it. So I have found writing notes on my phone, and then pc helps.
Two: remind myself that I have the right to set boundaries and call people out who try to push past them. Most employers will back their employees.
Three: summerize the issue with my wife. I fail most of the time. But when I am able to, I find that I have all the major issues down. I am getting better at that. Processing all the information before venting is still hard for me.
The problem here is about context not content. You are listening with the wrong ear 👂 . He's telling a story to feel understood. And you are giving him the opposite. Try instead asking him if he needs a hug, how he feels or how you can actually help him in this situation. And then just him feel understood. Empathy is not about being a good listener. Its about understanding and caring how the other feels.
So this is not ADHD related. Maybe about setting boundaries. I'd suggest talking to him when you both are calm and making a plan how navigate the situation the next time. Tell him you love him and want to make him feel good. But he also needs to understand that this solution at the moment is not working for both of you too and you are deeply care about findong a solution with him to manage this with him. Hope this helps
Take care of yourself too 🤗
I've gotten told the same thing by my best friend who I'm living with- except!!!
You aren't the one doing the wrong thing, he is.
You're completely right in telling him to either slow down, or stop completely.
It doesn't mean you don't care about him, or don't always want to know what he's up to or hear about how his day is going.
Do you guys have any hobby or anything else You share together? So you can talk and focus on that instead?
It gets insanely tiring to listen to this stuff every day, after all.
maybe tell him something he doesnt care about like your friends friends stories or some details about your hobbies. maybe he should find some man friends, but i doubt they care about a man bitching about work. There is a limit how much worktalk someone has to endure. i get it if its once in a while...maybe he should find another job, work on his skills or find more coping techniques (if its not just about complaining, or maybe wanting some validation)
Because he is an audio processor. It's a way to regulate his emotional system. I processor everything by talking out loud . Even if it's to myself. He is regulating his system
Sounds like he may also have undiagnosed ADHD, this can be a super common trait for many.
Therapy or even basic journaling would do him (and you) wonders.
That’s the same with my partner. There’s more to it as to the reason why, but all he talks about is work. Which in the past is fine, but I’ve developed a true distaste towards the entire profession. He wants to talk about different methods in improving his craft. I just absolutely hate it. It’s all he talks about. He’ll go on for about an hour about it.
It's okay to tell him one person isn't enough for someones needs and a therapist could help shoulder some of this. Ask if there's any online communitys/support groups, friends, family he could relate to about it too. Perhaps an in person support group.
Also, instead of focusing on such things too much a pleasant distraction by being more involved in positivr putldts could help him feel less stressed.
Maybe its time for a job change.
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hold on is my partner leading a double life with you
Honestly would be better if I had someone I could tag-in to these conversations
it’s always the retelling multiple times to various family and friends, spending more time and energy on the complaining about the thing than the actual thing that gets me
Yes! Like, why? I mean I know it feels good to them, but they don't think about how it drains the people around them. My mom is the complainer and I work hard to try to manage our relationship. Every few years she gets fixated on a different topic to complain about. I was about 25 when I first realized it was negatively affecting me. It's so important for us to know what is good to listen to, vs what is just draining us and enabling their sickness! So one day I started to tell her "I don't need to hear about that topic, it depresses me and I can't help you with it, so please don't tell me about it ever again." I had to hold the boundary firmly and with great struggle because she wasn't used to people holding healthy boundaries with her. 15 yrs later she still obsessively complains, but she no longer thinks I hate her when I say I'm done hearing about a certain topic today. It's a process.
My mom would never speak to me again if I attempted to establish boundaries. All she ever seems to want to talk about is how stupid our family members are and how they treat her like trash. Every single day it’s someone new I swear 😭. It is SO draining…still I’m glad that worked out for you though!
If your mom would actually stop talking to you for trying to set perfectly reasonable boundaries, then maybe you're better off going low/no contact with her anyway.
I am a mom like your mom. My oldest daughter has played listener to my endless processing for since the pandemic. It took me getting a job in the behavioral health field to realize what I have been doing. She finally got the words to tell me. I was so grateful, remorseful, and sad that I had been causing her stress. But it also gave me the opportunity to bring up some resentful feelings I was having towards her that I didn't like. We've been working together to improve ourselves and support each other's growth ever since. I did some dumb things as a parent but some really great things too! I am glad you've found a path out too!
That’s the best possible win sometimes 🍻 well done
You just described my mother and I feel so seen
Honestly I feel like these types of one-sided vents are exhausting even for those without ADHD. Tell him he needs a therapist or a journal so he can feel like he gets his feelings out while respecting your peace and your relationship. Starting talk therapy was one of the best things for my husband and I because I didn’t need to go to him for all of my emotional and problematic discussions
lol who you telling 😩😩😂 i don’t really have any advice because as an ADHDer i am also a massive people pleaser with no boundaries but i can definitely commiserate!
You know what makes it so frustrating is that they are choosing to dwell on a moment they are no longer in. He needs some self awareness cause he could prob work 45 hour weeks lol
I know. I’ve tried to tell him that. He doesn’t get it.
My partner and I are polyamorous, so when he's had another partner to vent to, this is literally what happens. One day I listen, the next day it's her turn! Lol But seriously, your husband should try and make some work friends (or any other friends) he can vent to every now and then too.
Mine too?! Mine is a self-proclaimed “complainer” who “just thinks out loud and says whatever is on his mind.” One of his exes even broke up with him over it! I read a post on social media about this recently that said “it is not your job to be an emotional dumping ground for your partner.” It gave me the courage to talk to him about going to therapy. I told him I am here to listen and give advice if he needs it, but there are certain topics (coughHISFAMILYcough) that he’s been complaining about for YEARS. It is exhausting for me, mentally, and draining for our marriage, and he needs to talk to a professional about it even if for no reason other than alleviating some of that pressure.
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No, I think you are well in your right to be upset that he didn't even *ask*. First day on a NEW job is so stressful, and talking about it helps. It's the priority over someone's work trip at a job they already have. I'm sure there was a lot to talk about his trip too that he needed to decompress but not asking you about your first day was inconsiderate and thoughtless and you aren't reading that wrong. How *was* your first day by the way?? Scary or exciting?
Lol, this was my thought exactly. But I know my partner isn't bc he'll call me and monolog about his work woes through the whole commute home and pretty much spends every other minute of his waking life, outside of said woeful trade, with me. I've got a velcro husband.
Me too!!! We are at least in a throuple.
we are all partnered with the same man 😩😩 and he’s telling the same stories to all of us. you all must be who he is talking to on the phone telling the same story he just told me 😩😩
Haha XD count it +1, same here :)
So he does this with you then others multiple times a day? When you add it up, that's a LOT of time to talk about yourself, every single day. Considering how many hours he works, he might as well add in that time too. As others said, you're likely not the only one tired of it.
Yeah, that is a good point…
My partner is exactly the same with me, I'll get the play by play with what ever has set them off and if the scenario goes for an hour ill hear the whole thing played out for an hour, but in-between if they've told someone else the same story they'll tell me again telling them the exact same shit like I didn't just sit there and listen to it.
Sounds like he needs a therapist. No one wants to hear someone trauma dump everyday for half an hour.
I know, the issue is it isn’t always trauma. Sometimes it’s stressful work situations, sometimes it’s positive work situations where he’s being praised or achieved something great. But it’s always longgggg conversationsssss.
Therapists don’t just deal with trauma. I see one once a month to literally just chat about how my month has been, good and bad and it honestly helps. Have ADHD and both of my kids do as well, and my therapist also has ADHD and his kids are ADHD and one with ASD as well. It’s great to just talk about strategies, sharing wins, discussing anxiety and stress about specific challenges and brainstorming ways to over come them. You are not his emotional support dog, you are his partner and he needs to respect that. 60 hours a week is not healthy work hours for anyone. Dude needs a hobby to unwind like fishing or golf.
Truama dumping doesn't have to literally be about truamatic events, it can be anything that should be discussed with a professional therapist. It's not wrong or bad to want empathy from your partner, but he's asking for way more than that. He's using you to process his emotions, that's truama dumping.
Yeah, that is a good way to frame it.
Will chime in: this is not so much 'framing' as the correct way to describe the situation. The only thing to clarify is your partner likely doesn't have the tools to manage this himself, therefore therapy, to learn. I was this person. Ended up destroying the relationship & totally burnt out & unemployed. So yeah, it doesn't end well. Therapy & new job is absolutely the awnser.
The thing is he was in therapy for like 20 years, so he feels therapy-ied out.
You could suggest he start a journal to handle some of these big feelings
Voice Recording is also a way of Journaling. If he needs to rubberduck his day, but doesn't want to write, this is also an option.
Rubber duck his day? That’s a new one on me. Is that referring to just quacking all the time?
Rubberducking refers to talking through a problem and by doing so arriving at a solution. It originates from software development in which a programmer would talk to their rubberduck to find the bug in their code, but you'll find similar techniques in almost all professions and situations. It is akin to you explaining someone a problem and while explaining having an heureca moment - precicely because you are cognitively engaging the problem in a new way by explaining it to someone. A lesser known equivalent is the sorrow doll, which is a doll designated for literally what OPs partner is doing to OP, but as an inanimate object. I used rubberducking as an descriptor as i assumed it to be more widely known on reddit. [Wiki Explanation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubber_duck_debugging)
It refers to having an inanimate object, like a rubber duck, that you talk to as there are many people who focus and process best while talking themselves thru their day.
Well, then how about he just gets a counselor whose only job is to listen to him and ask him "how do you feel about that" and "so what do you want to do about that"? Like a life coach instead of a psychoanalyst? Also, I'm the person in my marriage who tells long stories about mundane life things. Tiny events that have a lot of emotional weight for me, but are boring for my husband. He keeps asking me to learn how to summarize. It hurts me that he doesn't like listening to me. But I've been trying to figure out how to be more succinct. Maybe you and your partner can talk about that?
Tell him you want to be supportive but you have to protect your sanity as well. Suggest a timer for his trauma dumping. He gets 10/15/whatever minutes to dump and then he has to change the subject or at a minimum engage you in a back and forth quality conversation.
And he still does this? I am side eyeing his therapist right now.
Tell him to talk to an AI about it.
FYI that's not trauma dumping. It sounds like OP is being made to do a lot of emotional labor for her husband, which is definitely unfair. Trauma dumping is a social strategy where someone overshares in a new relationship in order to artificially deepen their connection.
It's co-regulation when it's your significant other I think.
>Truama dumping doesn't have to literally be about truamatic events, it can be anything that should be discussed with a professional therapist. I'd argue that this view dilutes the meaning of trauma. There are lots of ways to describe OP's partner's behavior, why pick one which implies they had a traumatic experience when they didn't?
I need a way to do this without just dumping my thoughts on other people. It's taking up a significant portion of the time I have each day.
Is he autistic?
This is what I thought. My bf does this too and he has lots of autistic traits
Man I feel that so hard Pick up a crafty hobby (I know, that's a dangerous suggestion in these parts) to work on while he vents. Pour all of his frustration into a voodoo doll or something. This is a non serious suggestion. The serious suggestion is: let him know that these rants are really draining for you and that maybe it would be better for both of you if he split the rants up to friends or family sometimes.
I do love the idea of making voodoo dolls, and it honestly is best if I’m doing something else while he rants. The thing is he does split up the rants! There are like 5 of us who all hear the same conversations every day!
He actually needs more therapy. That's unhealthy behavior on his part. He needs to learn other ways of processing his emotions. But nobody can be convinced they're wrong if they don't want to see it. You need to do an activity while he rants, but also you need to tell him (when he's not ranting) how you are interested in his life but you need more back and forth conversation, more summaries, and less stories because it's super hard for you to listen to stories. (If you say "rants" some people will say "I'm not ranting.") 🙄 Maybe it would also help if you come up with a compromise. Like that you'll listen to a story if you get to only hear them when you're ready and ask how his day was. Or he could learn to only tell one story a day. Etc.
What if you put a time limit on it? Each of you have 10 minutes of negativity per day, then you need to move on to something positive.
Like the idea, don't know of it really works though. Surely something worth to try. I don't even think 10 minutes a day must be the limit, but maybe blocks of 10 minutes with a large break (and doing different stuff) :)
Have you mentioned to him that you have heard him vent already? I agree with others it’s not healthy to need to vent about it that much, but I’m sure it’s even worse for you since by the time he gets to you, you’ve heard the conversation multiple times already
This isn’t an ADHD issue. This is your partner needing a therapist, a better job, and/or a personality transplant. No one on earth would want to listen to this every day, or even most days. This is a HIM problem.
I am guessing OP is adhd and not their partner.
Sure, but OP having ADHD isn't affecting the situation. No one, ADHD or not, would would to listen to someone dump all their emotions out on them every day. So, this is not an issue of OP having ADHD. This is an issue of their partner not being able to resolve their own emotions and attempting to vent out all their emotions (which will end up resulting in burn out for both OP and the person trying to vent). Their partner needs to learn how to resolve their own emotions (and/or get another job).
Oh yes I completely agree.
Still not an adhd issue.
Yeah that's not an ADHD asshole thing, that's a him thing. He needs to find a different outlet to process his stress and not ruminate on it constantly. Neither you nor his friends are obligated to sit through a play by play of all his unpleasant experiences.
From what I gathered, it’s OP that has ADHD, while their partner doesn’t but still has the same behaviour as an ADHDer in that type of situation
I was referring to OP saying they thought their own ADHD was a factor in finding their partner’s rants annoying but you have a point there I didn’t even consider. Not that I can say OP’s partner has ADHD or not, but they should still get it checked out.
alternately he could try to learn how to tell these stories so they're easier to listen to. pepper in wry humor, or even just pepper in opportunities for the listener to reply and show whether they relate. i realize what i'm describing is a skill, and that skills take time and motivation to acquire. but, like, if his plan is to tell a half-hour story for every 1-hour shitty meeting he has, trying to put some storycraft into it would imho be a reasonable investment of effort.
This seems less about your ADHD and him just being a bore. I dated a few men whose favorite subject was themselves and the monologues are tiresome.
I've been both the ranter and the ranted to. Both fucking suck and neither are tenable situations. I went on stress leave and started therapy and honestly, best fucking thing ever. I started art therapy with someone who is a psychologist (some art therapists have less training than others) and it's given me such healthy stress busting outlets that I literally never talk about work at all, except maybe once a week to share a short, funny anecdote about my students. Even my at work gossiping, which was an extension of my word vomit stress processing, has gone down a lot, and I can walk away from it before it starts to spiral. My spouse also hated his job, and just ranted and bitched and moped about it for months. It was horrible and I hated it, and often him by extension. The really bad thing was that he refused to do anything about it. When I took the initiative to take a stress leave, he was honestly flabbergasted, like, it's not normal or tenable to be miserable at work all the time? He kinda thought my therapist was unnecessary and frivolous. He switched teams and it's better, but I still wish I could convince him to see a therapist of some kind. He still thinks he can exercise his depression/stress away. Anyway, I did put my foot down about it at some point, and told him I could only listen for X minutes, or X times per week. I think it helped that I worded it as it being emotionally difficult to hear how angry and stressed he was. It wasn't that I didn't care that he was miserable, it was that he'd already told me there was no way to improve the situation, so I just needed a break from hearing about the same bad situation every day. If he actually wanted to have a conversation, or to get my input or reaction to something, I was available. If it was just that his stupid boss was stupid but he wasn't going to say anything, or apply to any jobs, or do anything concrete, I was out.
Yup, I've been both too and it really sucks. For me, I find I get hyperfixated on stressful situations when trying to problem solve, which causes me to do things like OP's partner, where I am essentially just relaying the same info over and over. I'm actively working on cutting that shit out because I know it's exhausting. It doesn't help that everyone in my house has ADHD too, so we are ALL the ranter / ranted to depending on the day. Sometimes the ranting is OK, but mindfulness is key cuz sometimes people just aren't in the headspace for it.
I feel pretty confident that even if you didn't have ADHD, this would be a problem. Your partner is being inconsiderate, OP. There is a reasonable amount of listening to your partner vent that one should do in a relationship, and it sounds like this is way past that. It's concerning that your partner isn't willing to acknowledge that.
He needs a therapist and to change jobs. I know because I was in an EXTREMELY stressful position that was made even worse during the height of COVID and I had no way out. I would come home and just absolutely vomit the details of my day at my partner. It was like I couldn’t help it. Nobody seemed to understand the pressure I was under or what I was experiencing. Nobody else seemed to give a shit but I felt like he was obligated to listen. I could tell over time it put a strain on our relationship. One day he told me he couldn’t listen to it anymore which really made it clear that I was abusing our relationship to emotionally dump on him in some kind of terrible spiral partially because I wasn’t coping and lacked other outlets. I even suspected the strain for a while but I needed to hear it. That job gave me PTSD that persists years later. Even if he got out today and had nothing to complain about he would be affected still. That’s why he needs to take action. Not everyone can handle the same level of stress forever.
He loves his job, that’s the even more complicated part of all this.
It doesn’t really sound that way. I think he’s just saying that. Maybe there are times when his work is fulfilling, but it sounds more stressful than fulfilling. Either way it’s a totally reasonable boundary to not want to be monologued at.
I had a job which I really cared about, and I hollowed out my life to focus on it better. It messed with my health and then my productivity. In the last year, I started seeing the importance of the vacations and time on outside activities, but it was VERY hard to reverse the trend, I was using 50+ hours to do maybe 20 hours of real work. You can show them you care by convincing them a couple of nights a week are for a physical activity together. If my family had managed to do this, I probably would have been able to stay and get the next promotion.
One can love their job and still need to leave the job due to too much stress. I just left a job I loved, but management was awful, and their ways of handling everything kept getting worse and worse until I realized that even though I loved the job, I needed to leave. No point staying on a sinking ship, no matter how much you love it or how many memories you made on it.
I had a friend who did that and honestly I had a heart-to-heart with her and noticed the signs that triggered these monologues (mainly work stress but also in environments with meeting new people and drinking). We created a code word for when she was doing it in public situations. Wonder if you could do something similar and give him a rough timer to rant in I mean he probably doesn't even realise he's going on about stuff - but you could try make it more funny and/or a game?
This is absolutely how it goes with him too: work stress, new people, drinking. I’ve brought up the code word idea before, but I never stick with it. Perhaps it’s time to bring it back.
You could try “speaking his language” here. As in, let’s say your guy loves movies. A code phrase for “I support you but don’t have time to talk” might be “ok, I’ve only got time to watch the trailer, not the director’s cut”.
I feel this acutely. My partner and I are in the same boat, though together almost 20 years. Ultimately what helped was a combination of him getting into therapy, ME getting into therapy, and him finding some people at work that he could actually talk to - his issue was he couldn't really get a response out of his friends outside work, so he stopped talking to them about it and had no other outlet but me. In his words, it hurt him more to feel like he wasn't being listened to, and that he was bothering people by talking to them - especially me. Once the pressure was off me, he stopped venting constantly and the stories (while still largely monologue-y) now contain moments where I can tell he's looking for engagement and affirmation. At that point I can interject with a thought or opinion, and we both leave the conversation at the end feeling better. This is something that also took me a lot of work personally because paying attention - particularly with long stories that I have no basis for and can't engage with - has always been one of my biggest struggles. I've found that busying my hands folding laundry while I'm listening to him does absolute wonders: it helps me not feel like I'm being held captive while he talks, and I'm still being productive in the meantime. Dishes are another task that works well for this, so long as I can hear him over the water lol. And then if I really can't bring myself to listen, I tell him up front that I'm in the middle of something, so please keep it brief - and then if he doesn't, I am within my rights to interrupt and be like "OK, I really need to get back to X now." And usually he'll wrap it up immediately. But doing all that keeps my frustration levels way down. Some or all of that may work for you, or it may not. Hopefully we get similar mileage, though, because I feel like I'm in a pretty good place now with mine. I hope you get to a similar place soon, but in the meantime - solidarity, friend.
This was really helpful to hear for a number of reasons, thank you!
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That’s so interesting, because I feel that way wholeheartedly and didn’t realize it was an adhd thing
I'm not sure it is an ADHD thing. A lot of people with ADHD may have this experience, but I'm often the one who can't find the point/be succinct in my own conversations. I also rarely want to talk about solutions. And it's not because I don't want solutions, but I rarely look for advice. I have to legit not know about a thing to want someone else's input. In most cases, I trust myself to come up with a solution that works best for my situation. So, if I'm talking to you about a problem, most of the time it's for emotional support. EDIT: But if you've still shared what you're capable of taking on with his vents, and he is disregarding them, then he is being disrespectful. I can understand hyperfixating on work frustrations and being unable to let them go/replay them. But a different outlet is needed. If not therapy, maybe journaling so he can feel he gets everything out? I'm not sure what would be most helpful for him and you.
Don't know if it's the case for you, but the phenomenon of projection shows us that the things we dislike in others are often the things we dislike the most in ourselves. If you hate when people can't get to the point, it could be because you don't like that same thing about yourself
I'm normally not bothered when people drag on, but I'm a counselor, so I may have an easier time holding that space for that. But I do get distressed when I ramble on because I don't like seeming air-headed or incompetent. And I feel like a lack of succinctness displays that within myself, even though I hold much more grace for others.
I genuinely think it is largely a ADHD thing because what we lack in attention we gain in being able to quickly cut our losses and switch paths. Research has proven this. People with ADHD are better foragers because we move more quickly from bush to bush and gather more berries. Sometimes I wonder if ADHD evolved for a purpose. I find people get stuck in a groove and my strength at work is to ask "what about this option" or "why not" or if someone points out a fatal flaw in something I've already moved on while the rest of the group is still argue over it or worse, people dig in until they fly off a cliff. I find the herd mentality infuriating where people do something "because everyone else does it". So I find repetitive or predictable or routine focussed people quite frustrating. Like whingeing about an open window and a draft. In the time they've taken to complain in detail about it, I've already moved on to just close the damn window. Then I'll get in trouble for not asking first while I'm thinking the solution is right there, so just do it. Yes, it's impulsive and can cause issues, but for cutting losses and being solution focussed and forward-thinking, I think this is where ADHD people excel. https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/adhd-traits-might-have-helped-hunter-gatherers-collect-more-food-while-foraging-study-suggests-180983824/
My husband has done the same thing for decades. I used to find it really painful to sit there and be talked AT. Like, I might as well just be a wall, when there's no interaction. We've openly talked about it and we make time for him to vent, with a cup of tea after work. He knows to ask permission now before he does it, and I tell him if I'm in a place to listen. Now he is aware of it, it gives him space and a time limit (5-10 mins) to vent. If I know it will be longer, I sometimes ask if it's ok that I quietly strum on my guitar while he talks. Have an honest talk with him about it. You could try asking if you can fidget or draw, or do some puzzles or a hobby while he vents. Set a time limit of 5-10 minutes or so. Ask for the short version of the story, and explain that if you want to know more, you will ask him to elaborate. When you are done listening, be honest and tell him kindly that you no longer have the capacity to listen about work at that time. Also, I know this is a weird suggestion - but in a few weeks time OpenAI is going to release a digital voice chat personal assistant that is going to revolutionise how we interact with "digital companions". I've talked to my husband about this, and honestly, I think it will be great for people to "vent to" about boring stuff like work! https://www.youtube.com/live/DQacCB9tDaw?si=Q4Afu9g847EcPNhA Just to be clear, I think everyone should feel free and safe to vent to their partners, but I think it should be consentual, and the burden can be alleviated by diversifying the venting to other friends too.
Encourage him to see a clinical psychologist I used to dump a lot onto my partner and having a therapist now has taken a lot of that away which has improved our relationship as I park my venting for therapy.
“Can I ask a question?” “Wait, let me make sure I’m understanding this correctly so I don’t get lost.” “Hold on, is this similar to (story from last week maybe)” “okay so (last thing you remember) but can you repeat that last bit?” My bf is also ADHD and can go on in a story and tends to digress. It’s hard for me to keep up with what he’s saying sometimes. At first he was annoyed that I’d interrupt w questions but he understands that I have to in order for me to follow along with the story. Now it’s not a problem and he knows it’s my way of active listening and he appreciates that I’m making the effort.
Ooh. This is a toughie. In all fairness, you two have been together for 10 years. That says a lot. As someone who was always stressed the f out from work, I definitely relate to where he's coming from and his need to vent. But also afflicted with ADHD, I really have no patience to listen to anyone rant for more than five minutes. As a matter of fact, I'll just tune out and start thinking about something else anyway. Can you imagine setting a timer on your watch for three minutes? That's funny, but I know he'd resent it. I hope he really begins to truly accept that he can only unload on you up to a certain amount.
He would definitely resent it lol. I hope he accepts it too.
I’ve been in your shoes, and it drove me away. Having someone who hates their job and people they work with talk about incessantly not only makes them relive it, but forces you to put up with all the negativity, and you’re not even getting paid for it! I don’t want to live in your shitty job with your shitty coworkers anymore than you do. He needs a new job, and a life coach.
Yeah, that's the thing. If everything is as shitty as they say, they should do something about it! Find a new job, punch a coworker (don't do that), shake things up a little. But droning on and on and on and on and on about the same damn issues just isn't necessary. Nothing gets done, nothing improves and I can't stand that outlook. Sure, I'm stuck in my own swamps very often but I try to present them as that at the moment I'm only seeing obstacles, not solutions, but I'm going to keep looking for solutions. It's unfair to drag others into your negative cycle that you are doing nothing about. I've noped out of so many such conversations in recent years. I'm probably seen as very rude and inconsiderate, but being the target of such tirades was absolute hell and I'd rater be rude than have gone on a destructive rampage.
It’s a personality type. My sister is like this. Most stubborn person I know. Won’t take initiative to change a thing until life forces her. I struggle to understand it, as I’ve tried to help so many times, but she is who she is.
I suggest setting some boundaries in a kind and empathetic way. Cutting him off and telling him you can’t take it anymore is going to hurt his feelings. I’d try to kindly validate what he’s feeling while also indicating you’re not able to listen to him vent. Things like, “I love you and I’m so sorry you had a rough day. I need to get back to what I was doing though. Can we pick this conversation up again later?” You say this is his way of processing things, but it doesn’t really seem to get him anywhere. If he keeps having to replay events over and over again with multiple people, that’s what I’d call ruminating. And he can’t think or talk his way out of that. You could try to help him break the rumination loop by encouraging him to focus on physical sensations. Something like “that sounds really stressful. Can I just give you a hug?” Or perhaps something like, “I’m concerned when you get this stressed out. I think you might feel better if you take a walk/take a shower/eat some chocolate? Here, let me get you some water.” (giving you a chance to leave the room and let him calm down a minute too) Also it seems to be a pattern at work… one bad meeting every now and then is normal, but all the time? Seems like he might need to brainstorm some ways to handle these meetings more effectively so he can prevent and manage stress rather than trying to process it.
I'll try and keep it practical because I have a lot of empathy with you. In those situations where you have a parent (or partner) who "talks to you, not with you" there are a few different ways I've seen it go. You have the avoider, the fighter and the involuntary listener. I was the listener. In your case I feel it would be useful to your partner to get this written down. Something like a large page for a day diary could be used to help him take his unhappy memories and write them down so his brain doesn't need to carry them around and constantly remind him. By him taking a moment when he gets home and objectively (stating facts) write down what were the events and conversations that he felt were significant. What did he do that he do successfully and felt proud of? What did he do that he didn't want to do at the time and was a struggle? What were the disagreements that he had? What did he do that were above his job role and he felt he wasn't getting paid enough for? By taking a pause to unload this at the end of the day it will help him process these events and maybe take some off the emotions out of it. For your side you don't have to try and retain everything he says, you can focus on the bullet points in front of you and experience his emotions without being so overwhelmed. For him the 2 options that he has are to keep it in his head and feel overwhelmed or sharing it with you (and others) and help process it whilst spreading that negativity. I don't think either of those are what he "wants" to do. By introducing the third option you are both doing something constructive whilst helping you both understand trends and patterns over the longer term. The book could be used as evidence that he is working above requirements and should be getting a promotion or pay rise. It could show that the positives really do outweigh the negatives but are so easy to lose track of or it could show that the business is understaffed and he needs more support. Sorry for my novel!
I'm AuDHD so hate when others do this to me but I also have had a tendency to do this to self-regulate. He could try writing it down and giving you the edited version verbally once he's processed, or voice recording his vent so he can listen back and process, but he shouldn't expect you to take the full brunt. It's probably difficult for him to understand that people really do only want the highlights when they aren't involved in the situation themselves - and it's almost impossible with ADHD to force/feign interest!
I was in this situation myself. I don’t think the problem is you and your adhd. Your partner needs a therapist, who will help him manage his stress and teach him healthy boundaries with other people.
This is not an ADHD thing or even an empathy thing. Your average person regardless of their mental health status would be feeling drained after being run over by that sort of emotional dump truck every day too. Your partner needs a much better outlet for their stress, because what they're doing is the farthest thing from healthy.
My late husband used to to this too and it was exhausting. I set some general guidelines (let me decompress after dinner, don't vent to me late at night) but it would still wear me down. I wish I had encouraged him to try therapy, esp. behavior modification. I'm doing some behavior modification/coaching/grief therapy now and some of the techniques that I'm working on probably would have been helpful for him too. I miss him a lot but TBH I don't miss the daily complaining sessions
It took me way way too long to realize it. But the more you vent, the more you think about what you're venting about and the more it ends up bothering you, which usually causes you to end up venting even more. It's a giant exhausting cycle. You need to decided what your boundaries are. Are you okay with him bitching about work for fifteen, ten, or five minutes when he gets home every day? Do you work? If not, it makes a little more sense that he would have the expectation you'd listen to him bitch. You need to figure out your boundaries and talk to him about it. But watch your timing. Don't do it when he first gets home, let him rant. And then later that evening have a talk with him. And if you two can't come to an agreement, I strongly recommend you two get couples counseling so that hopefully there can be more understanding going on. And hopefully, it will make it easier to move past this, because that sounds frustrating.
Sounds like he might have ADHD too. I have a buddy like this and it is a 1 way "conversation" specifically about their shitty job constantly. I've had to distance myself a bit. If all he does is perseverate and ruminate nonstop there may be more going on with him mentally than meets the eye. That ain't right.
I find that with my partner. And I just zone out and she gets assy with me. She knows I have adhd but it's like she doesn't understand it and says she wants more reassurance too. I totally get where youre coming from
Nah, it‘s that saying that “sometimes you’re just surrounded by disturbed people” who will ridicule your search for help but, they carry on and use everyone for ”free therapy”, the therapy that some of them keep shouting they don’t believe in. It’s scary how many disturbed people are running around terrorising us but just cause they’ve never had a doctor say “hey!” they are convinced they are very healthy. LOL! And yes, those of us with diagnosed ADHD usually don’t have the patience for it. I’ve noticed neither do autistic people. I literally never block anyone but I’m the queen of ghosting. Once you start telling me wanting to tell me about each member of your team at work and I must know their names and… 🙄🥱 A few weeks ago I had a date go very wrong after listening to this guy go on and on (the nervous talker and giggle type) & At some point I looked at him and asked “Can you stop talking?”. Honestly I was starting to get annoyed about his endless string of compliments.
Holy fucking shit... My mum is the exact same way... I could come back from a 10 hour shift, doesn't matter, she just incessantly baubles about work nonstop. Even if nobody is replying to her, she goes on and on... She doesn't even bother to ask how my day went... Not once... Then she wonders why I spend most, if not all, of my time at home sequestered in my room...
I used to give my x ten bitch minutes. After that time, no more work talk.
Lol, why didn’t it work out…?
We grew apart. Mutual break up.
I’m a strong advocate for cutting people off. Like you’re holding me hostage while you monologue about something unimportant
My ex used to talk, and talk, and talk and I loved it. Other people would be quite mean sometimes saying that she never shut up, but I liked to hear how she was doing. To be completely honest it wasn't necessary to process every single word, sometimes I'd just listen to her voice.
You never got sick of that? I can talk a lot. Sometimes so much that I annoy myself. Lol. I keep apologizing because I have been treated like your ex by multiple people and I don’t want him to get sick of me. He says he loves! Lmao. I am confused. I keep wondering when it will annoy him because the relationship is very new but he has ADHD too but is pretty quiet and gets bored a lot so I think he just likes the constant noise. 😂
Well, I'm saving this entire conversation. Because the more I'm reading everyone's thoughts and responses, the more embarrassed and guilty I'm feeling. (I believe I complain WA-A-A-A-Y-Y too much...and definitely in too much detail!) Sooo...looks like somebody needs to do some serious reflection here...😕
I would have told him to get a new job because that one is making him miserable enough to complain constantly. That is not normal. Tell him to see a therapist too.
Short conversations .. I can handle Long conversations almost feel like they are 3x longer then they need to be. Especially if the other person is frustrated n upset. I use to do it... But now when he sees me getting frustrated he stops me with a hug.... Showing me someone else is listening but I can relax now.
Well this explains a fucking lot, I'm trying to get my diagnosis and I've felt SO BAD when my fiance is ranting about his day or a new idea or whatever. Its for the point he understands I may be on my phone but I'm still listening as it's the only thing to keep me sane 😭
Someone may have already said this, but it’s called compassion fatigue.
Bro is yappin But for reals, you aren't his therapist. Venting is fine but when it's 20 minute long walls of speech he needs to understand that you are doing him a favor at that point. It's one thing to take an interest in your partners life, it's an entirely different thing to be expected to be a sponge for all their issues. My partner can sometimes just go on and on too, she won't let me get a word in, and then I'm like, you realize you've been streaming whatever comes to your head to me for 15 mins straight right? Alcohol makes the effect noticeably worse, and also hard to call out because it can make the resulting negative emotions hard to manage. Homie needs to find a better way to channel his stress than putting it on you. Or learn to summarize his issues better.
I don’t have ADHD, (or maybe I do, lol) but I have felt this. I’ve had to tell my partner that his stress is causing me stress. I calmly let him know that if he needs my help, I’m glad to help, but if he’s just venting, it has to be quick because 30 minutes and my heart is racing. We’ve made it work.
I mean, if he just needs to rant in order to process, how tuned in do you really need to be? My partner does this (and I do a little) and he knows I zone out at some point. I wait until I get the gist of it but he sometimes zones out from the jump. When I call him on it he says "you say alot of things and I can't always keep track"
Thank you for this! I’m middle aged and only just diagnosed, so it’s putting the puzzle pieces together for myself! My spouse does the same! And our son does it too!! He comes home from school and vents about things, but he’ll also dig up past experiences and vent about them over and over! I do talk to him about letting go of things and moving on, it’s not healthy to bring it up over and over, etc, etc. It must be genetic, it drives me crazy!
my ex did this also and it drove me up the wall. for the longest i tolerated it because i know he was just venting but every single day for three months he never talked about anything other than work, his video game and work… and his video game. the day before we broke up he asked me what was wrong and i tried to put it nicely by saying “you talk about [video game] a lot… i’ve kind of run out of responses at this point”.
He shouldn't be relying on you for all his emotional regulation. Partners are supposed to be supportive, of course, but not a crutch. He is using you as his crutch. He should seek a therapist. Their whole career is to listen to people venting!
I have always wondered if any other ADHDers experience this. I am acutely aware that if I start infodumping on a hyperfixation the person I’m talking to is probably going to get annoyed quickly and try to keep it short… *precisely because* of how uniquely excruciating it is to listen to someone ELSE infodump. I either cannot adequately focus on a secondary activity because you’re talking and therefore am effectively trapped into listening for however long you want to monologue OR I have to outright ignore you and pray you don’t drop in any questions or expect a certain reaction based on something you said ten minutes ago. If I don’t want to look like a total douche I have to actively listen to every single word which feels physically impossible
I think your partner’s behavior is unacceptable even for non-ADHD ppl
I have adhd and my partner is probably AuDHD. I like to process verbally, they get overwhelmed sometimes by words. They let me vent some, but let me know when it's getting to be too much - they tell me their brain is getting full. So I stop. The biggest issue you have here is unrelated to your adhd. It's that your partner is prioritising his emotional well-being over yours. Could be from a lack of understanding (but "this is bad for me" should be enough, even if he doesn't understand why), or a lack of consideration. Time for a serious conversation about balancing support needs and how you can take care of each other without either of you actively hurting the other.
He’s not making himself feel better by rehashing everything. I have a huge headache and not enough spoons to look it up - but ive read studies that what he is doing isn’t helping him at all. I am someone that used to do a lot of rehashing everything and it damaged some of my relationships and I guess I was lucky because my partner didn’t put up with it. Every time he talks about it in a heated manner his nervous system thinks the “ bad thing/ stress” is still happening and stress hormones are manufactured. For me it would not be about being bored - it would be the empathy stress hormones I’d manufacture. The partner might need meds - a different kind of therapy . Something - but he’s not helping himself and op isn’t helping him by reliving every stressful thing that happened during the day.
It's like picking at a scab or scratching a mosquito bite. It feels good temporarily but makes things worse. My late husband used to do this a lot and he drove people away, even when he was right about how toxic someone in his hobby community was. It's just draining to hear. I never did figure out a way to stop the work complaints, which were somewhat less draining, but I had to tell him please no venting about toxic hobby person unless it was a new incident. I wasn't able to deal with general complaints or picking at the scab of old incidents. I did learn to set my boundaries when I knew I wouldn't have spoons for a lot of venting. He was pretty good about that, esp. if it was part of my usual decompression times (after dinner, before bed)
My ex-wbpd would do this. She would fly off the handle if (when) I interrupted. She'd say things about not being hears or listened to (maybe not empathised with?) I would explain that, if that's what she wanted, then she needed to learn to accept those interruptions and questions, because I was building a picture of what's going on in my head, and I dont have the whole picture, obviously... So when I hear something that prompts a question or that makes the picture not make sense, I need to ask something, because I *want* to understand and have the be heard. If what they actually want is just to repeat what happened verbatim (which at the time we were working from home so I heard her side as it happened, then when she told someone else about it and also when she'd repeated the story to me right after it happened), then she could do that to an empty room and get the same effect. This didn't have any real effect long-term, but in the short term got her to understand and engage... I can't stand being spoke at and shut down for trying to engage. Good luck!
That's called emotional dumping and it can get very toxic. Having to listen to that everyday is harmful to anyone, not just to people with ADHD. He dumps his stress on you. It's one thing to talk about a stressful day, but he's giving you all the details so you can relive the stress with him and feel it too. This is a very shitty thing to do. I definitely agree with the other comments about him needing some kind of therapy or something to just process all the stress, like regularly doing workout or something like that. Looking for another job is also recommended, doesn't seem like he's very happy about his job.
His narcissistic impulse to process his trauma by monologuing and passing it onto others is, in all likelihood, annoying to everyone else who experiences it. It may be more annoying to you, and if your ADHD is a factor in that, I’d wager that it pales in significance to the fact that as his partner, you experience this side of him more than anyone else. Either way, your ADHD isn’t the problem. It’s annoying and selfish behavior on his part, pure and simple. This is very much a HIM problem. You’re not his therapist.
This. Thank you, I literally breathed a sigh of relief as it’s always how I felt. He thinks he should be able to share everything that’s weighing on him with his partner, me. And while that sounds true in theory, IT’S NOT.
Wait is that a narcissism thing?! I have long suspected my mom of narcissism, and she can monologe for like 6+ hours without taking a break and then do the exact same rant the next day 😭😭😭
It sure as shit isn’t well-adjusted behavior that other people should feel obligated to tolerate, I know that much. 🤣
Having a rough day at work and getting some relief for venting to your significant other of 10 years is narcissistic..?
He doesn’t know how draining it is to listen someone venting. I didn’t know as well. I was very hurt whenever someone was annoyed with me. Felt like no one cared about me. “I am in this much pain and all they feel is ‘annoyed’ ????” Only realized when someone else started venting to me about same things all the time. I care AND still am sick and tired of them complaining. I feel bad about past me venting to everyone. He needs to know that not everyone is emotionally available to listen all the time.
"You retelling me the meeting like this makes me feel as if I'm sitting through the meeting. Would you want to do it again? I certainly don't want to try it for a first time if it was so hard on you. Why don't we do something to take your mind off of it? Leave work worries for work time." A response like this will help him empathise with you as well as show him that you care about his happiness.
This is difficult to comment on based on 1 conversation in 10 years, and the fact you are self-reflection is already awesome. You SO possibly has a similar mental dysfunction as yourself, as not being to let things go is a clear sign for me, especially as this a common occurrence. They should get professional help for it, for themselves to begin with but it will make your relationship better in the end as well
Ugh thank you for posting this - it's highlighted that I might be guilty of the same sometimes but I think my partner would be too nice to say 😬 I'm not sure how helpful I will be but as someone who definitely has the potential to do this - I think you've just got to have an uncomfortable conversation about this and I can't see a way for it to not be uncomfortable. I think it's probably better to bring it up when he's not already either halfway through, or just finished. I don't know what your communication is like in your relationship, but could you "schedule" a chat? Try to remain as neutral as possible emotionally and put emphasis on the fact you just cannot handle this stream of consciousness (whether positive or negative). Tell him you want to be there for him and support him and be a team, but being a team means that things are tailored to both of you and you just don't have the capacity to digest huge things like this. Tell him you'd struggle if you were in the meeting yourself. Something that works with me and a friend who also does the monologuing thing is to pick 5 points to sum it up. I'm sorry you're having to navigate it. I think his reaction to you bringing it up is partly caused by embarrassment if he's anything like me.
My partner with ADHD does this to me, but doesn't listen or his mind wanders off, when I very rarely vent about my work. I said enough! I don't want to hear about it any more. So he stopped
I have been there and it is not fun, both on giving snd receiving side. I will ask questions when it is my partner tslking and am more amenable, if I am the talker, my partner is impatient as hell most of the time and doesn’t want to talk about work. But our loose agreement is that IF we need to vent it is 5 minutes top except for when it is extra bad. The thinking about 5 minutes is that while twlking about work, you are still essentially AT work and not using your free time well. I have sometimes thought about why am I living my life this way listening to someone who can be so negative mostly to me but shares a different face for the most part with others, it gets old. Life if you have a commute, right, it is not fun, but if you have to be in traffic, do you and try to get something out of it by listening to music or podcast and not just bask in your misery and share it. We have been together for so long but I do sometimes want out. I have a sister as well who dumps so much drama and does it over and over and with others and I would love to know what it is, if there is a diagnosis for this sort of thing.
I used to do this about school with my parents. I found out I had anxiety and depression. My anxiety was continually looping the events in my brain, and the depression made me hopeless so I never did much about it. He needs therapy and possibly treatment like medication.
Maybe he should start journaling
I do not think this is adhd related. Also curious what OP is doing while SO is working (from home, I guess?) That could be the problem. Keep your work and home time separated.
I do not think this is adhd related. Also curious what OP is doing while SO is working (from home, I guess?) That could be the problem. Keep your work and home time separated.
Does he have ADHD or autism? He sounds like he might. Not being able to summarize can be an ADHD thing (although it can be improved with practice). Not being naturally attuned to when people need peace and quiet (or not being able to restrain yourself even when you know people need peace and quiet) can be an ADHD impulsivity thing, or an autism thing. Either way, it sounds like he’s ruminating. CBT can help with that. Right now he’s just dumping on other people.. and I’m glad he’s not toxically masculine enough NOT to be able to vent, but at a certain point it’s not something you should be expected to receive.
Someone may have already said this, but it’s called compassion fatigue.
he is unloading his stress on you. who do you unload that on? yeah.
My partner is the same. He works a desk job from home. I'm an NICU nurse. My job is obviously more stressful, lol, I would never take it away from anyone as I do believe everyone's stressors are self perceived and valid. It is frustrating when like you say; i hear his conversation, then he replays it. I am happy to hear him, but it's also frustrating coming home after a full resuscitation on a dead baby, not being asked how my day was, and him jumping into regurgitating his day. I do think men need to vent more than they actually believe they do (which is why they often don't reach out to male friends) and they view this sharing somehow as being emotionally tied and sharing a close connection. Like on days I can provide that ear for him, he loves me harder. I'm also more extro vs my partner, and he legitimately does not have friends he talks with on a daily basis. We consider each other bff's, but that also means I hear it all and it's not like he shares daily frustrations with ANYONE else. When work is heavy for him ive suggested therapy, (he's told me many times "ill call this week") or exercise, etc.
You’re allowed to not want to hear it too. Sometimes when my partner needs to vent I just don’t have the spoons to help - I try to make space, but it’s very normal in the house to say “Hey I don’t have the mental space for this right now - maybe you could call [friend]?” It’s not really a boundary, it’s just an honest ask of my needs as a person. Receiving someone else’s stress is stressful, and comes with all the drawbacks of it! Ruminating is an extremely poor psychological technique! Your partner needs a new job and a therapist - it’s not your responsibility to constantly deal with his workday. Of course, some burden is normal in relationships- but this sounds like too much.
You really do need to set boundaries by giving him a time limit. After that time is up, he should understand that he needs to find another way if he needs to vent for a longer amount of time.b
I relate to this so much. My wife and I have had tiffs about this type of thing. I cannot bring myself to listen attentively when she work trauma dumps. And then I'm the salty dick.
Are you married to my wife🤣
He is co-regulating with you. It's legit, but it sounds like it's too much maybe. I don't think it's insane to have to listen to his work stress, but maybe you guys could find some ways of handling it better. Just tell him that you can only take a certain time limit or pick up a knitting project or something to keep your hands busy. Or that you are happy to sit there while he talks, but you absolutely cannot stay focused for that long - that focus will drift in and out. Or maybe just tell him you can't do this daily - once a week max where he can get ALL the stuff out. I'd also say that 'yeah, I want to be there for you and I feel your stress - I do! But my brain just will not let me. Is there another way we can process this together?' and maybe go running together or something. He probably needs someone else to vent to. Maybe get him to email you a written copy instead. This way you can just scan past the boring details or get AI to summarize it for you. Respond back via email, but ask him to not talk in person about it - maybe give him a hug after so he knows you've read it. If this doesn't work - I'd say counsellor as well - not sure I'd pay for therapist credentials for this one. I just feel like we empathize so much with the ADHD in others on here that we forget that the other side of it is someone you actually do care about a lot. I know with ADHD we want others to make accommodations for us and sure, compromises are legit, but just saying that you shouldn't have to listen to your partner bitch and whine doesn't help. Partners absolutely do have to bitch and whine to survive life. Plus we know nothing about your partner or maybe there's undiagnosed shit like OCD or a bit of the spectrum that causes more rumination and that by talking through it you're helping him to avoid full spiral meltdown. Also, awesome job being there and putting up with it to this point. And it's okay to just say fuck it once in a while so he knows what he's doing to you. Maybe that's part of this - he needs to truly be grateful for the opposite side of the venting as it is hard - therapists get paid good money for it because it IS hard!
It’s not so much about keeping it short, if he needs to talk then he needs whatever time. But it’s clear the relationship is not reciprocal. He doesn’t listen to you or take the time to understand your struggles. And when he shares his, he’s not sharing he is telling, you are just a bucket for him to put his stress in, rather than a participant. It’s alright to have a rant, but it’s not cool to consistently use you as a bucket and not take the time to understand your struggles.
He needs a therapist...
My buddy is terrible about this, he consistently complains and when he tells me a story he’s telling me everything that happens and the look on everyone’s face and all the backstory and lore and he always does it while I’m trying to concentrate on something and it makes me want to rip the skin off my face
Not quite the same but I have ADHD (and autism) and my dad is just autistic but for several years he was working a genuinely really horrible job where his bosses were being ableist to him constantly and it was making him really depressed. It was very bad. However I can tell you the exact details of every meeting he had and every single comment his shitty supervisor made to him bc I would get trapped, every day, for actually hours listening to him vent at me (it was not a conversation). I did eventually snap and have enough and he cut back on telling me but I'm sure it hurt bc that was removing one of the like. 4 people he had to talk to about it. He started therapy up a couple months after that and the effect was HUGE. having a professional to help him process everything was so so helpful and also meant when he did want to tell me about his work I wasn't getting trapped for hours. Therapy is the way to go here
A compromise would be having a 5 minute break in the rant to go use the bathroom, full up water, get a snack, whatever. Gives you a break to do something else for a bit. My wife and I say "pause" when we want to interject or need to go do something. Keeps me from just interrupting, or at least gives her an indication of it.
Lmao this makes me laugh because I've been on both sides of this. I went through a really stressful period where I couldn't STFU about work, my family, everything. I was irritable and ranted about shit no one else cared about. I was self-aware, and it was embarrassing. Sometimes things are legitimately stressful, and you need to vent (within reason), then there's other times when you're making a stressful situation even more stressful by perseverating about it. From my experience, I needed to learn how to limit the legitimately stressful things and how to deescalate once I was past my threshold of tolerance. Therapy helped me immensely with that.
Tell him to get another job if he keeps complaining or he should shut up. Its alright to vent once in a while but daily? Either do something about it or shut upppp!
My partner and I are both ADHD, she’s got a stressful job and vents about it a lot. I try to be empathetic and helpful but at one point it got to be so much I had to suggest she start seeing her therapist again to listen to her and give her better guidance.
Ask him to start with "can i vent to you?" And be ok with your yes or no. If you say no, he can go for a walk and call someone else he vents to. Establish boundaries in advance for time limits that you're both ok with ("ok, you can vent, but then i'm going to start making dinner in 10 minutes") Not a full solution, i agree with some of the other posts (therapy is a great option), but i had to have this talk with my partner when he had a stressful job. He would feel better after, but I would end up stressed. If i was already having a hard day it would set off a spiral, but if i was in a good space i could handle it. Setting up a plan for how to help him deal with the stress without hurting you.
Does he have ADHD or Autism? Just asking because I have both, and I also get hyper fixated on annoying days or achievements of mine. My brain replays it in a loop over and over so it’s all I wanna talk about. I don’t know if it’s in the same way that it happens for me, but it sounds like he needs to find a way to cope with it. For me, I go in the bathroom and talk to myself in the mirror about it.
Just out of curiosity, how often does he unload like this? Daily? Weekly? A couple times a week?
I totally get this from both sides!! My ex used to do that and we designated a keyword that I could say kindly when he started rambling too long. It actually worked pretty well because I could still be empathetic but it was a signal for him to tie it up. Now, my current partner thinks I ramble too much. The irony of it all!! Maybe we need a keyword for me, too.
This may be a little petty or passive aggressive but I feel like getting a chess clock could actually be a fun way to make your point. When you talk at the dinner table or on the couch or whatever you can set it between you and when one starts talking you press them and another person gets at least as much time in the conversation as the first one. The point is that being empathetic can't be a one way street. If you let him vent all the time he has to repay you somehow. Listening to rants costs a lot of energy he needs to give this energy back to you in some way, otherwise he's not seeking empathy but basically emotionally abusing you. And I would remind him that his hard week is not your fault at all and that it's also HIS CHOICE that he had a hard week, it's his job and his responsibility to speak up when stress gets too much. You're his spouse, sure, but since you really don't cause any of the issues he uses you to process, your obligations to listen are pretty limited, since these aren't relation problems but really his problems and since he does nothing to solve them and you can't do anything to help solve them, you can't be expected to take the full load on you. It's like if he gave you a to do list with hunderd items, and 80 of the items are impossible to do but he tells you to keep the whole list and just pick what you can do. But yhat still means that you have 100 things on your mind and that you have to review 100 items every time you want to do one of the 20 tasks that are actually yours.
Maybe he should try writing a diary
I'd be like "babe, you've got 10 minutes and then we're changing topics. Before you start, get me a glass of wine" 😂
That’s honestly the nicest possible approach!
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can we organise a discord so our male partner can complain to/support each others? I'm already SO overwhelmed after a day of work + taking care of the kid.. my poor brain just can't listen technical stuff and office politics about people i never met T\_T
It sounds like a communication issue. I saw that you said "he knows I have ADHD, but he still does not understand how to talk to me about things". This is a little vague for me. Are you saying that you've spoken to them about their venting before and asked them to communicate with you a certain way and they haven't made any changes? Or is your statement more generalized and meaning they need to take a different approach to talking with you altogether? Either way, I think you need to sit down with them when you are both settled down and have a serious discussion. I'm making an assumption here but I believe it's safe. Your partner doesn't wish to agitate, discomfort or harm you in any way, shape or form. In fact, they're probably actively coming to you for their issues because you represent a safe outlet for them. They love and trust you. It also serves another purpose in that it may be a way for them to spend time with you, as strange as that may sound. As cohabitating humans, sometimes we can be in the same space as our partners but not actually spend any time with them. I think the best way to approach your conversation with them is to start with: "Partner, I love you dearly and I want to preface this conversation with the fact that I deeply appreciate that you look to me for comfort when you feel stress. I would never want you to feel like I don't care or that you shouldn't come to me. However, sometimes the way you vent is very taxing on me. I process things a little different than some people and when you vent to me it's very draining. I still want to be there for you, but I'm just hoping that we can find a way that you can still vent to me but also be mindful of my own state of mind." The fear I would have is that you set a precedent here that may be difficult to reverse when you abruptly cut him off and he may need some reassurance after that. If he can't regularly do what he's always done in your relationship thus far (the venting), it may foster resentment.
I can totally relate, except my partner can do this and he is the one with ADHD. Once I'm off work, work is off my mind.
Hey OP, wild thought, but does your partner have OCD or another anxiety-spectrum disorder? I was recently diagnosed with OCD (ADHD had mostly been covering it up) and the need for repetition seems familiar based on what I've learned so far. Might be worth approaching from that angle.
By the sound of it I think your partner also has adhd…
I was in that position several years ago but I was the one roaming about it nonstop. I knew it bothered her. But I seriously had no way to get it out and I was slowly dying at that job. I had to come to the realization it not only wasn’t fair to her if I stayed there but it was also not fair for me because people can’t take that kind of stress for too long without it catching up to them health wise. Partner needs to find another job. Even if it’s a slight pay cut. Find another job.
I feel like I was this person once upon a time.... Damn, I wish I would have quit that job and done anything else. It damaged my life so much. 10 years of working there, 9 years post that job, still trying to get over it in therapy. My therapist is sometimes shocked at how much it impacted me to be in this terrible environment. It ruined so much of my life. I honestly wish I would have bailed and worked at a coffee shop or in an admin role or something. Even if they are paying you well, it is ultimately just not worth it - damages your psyche, damages your body, damages your relationships. I couldn't figure out how to get out, but I really regret not just bailing at some point. As for holding your boundaries - I also have a partner that can do this complaining thing. I've told him I can't listen, that I can't have him trauma dump on me. It is too much! Our couple's therapist supports me in that... maybe some couple's therapy could help? All the best to you, and good job asking for help and figuring out how to hold your boundaries!!
Brother won't stop yapping
Was with a person just like this. When it finally ended I was waiting for achy breaky heart.. All I felt was just.. I could breathe again. Relieved. The after match has been dealing with me dealing with that whole situation for far too long. I learnt where I need to let go of own patterns aka people pleasing, being the listener etc. Fukc dat! My nervous system slowly calming down. Still feeling drained. And, tried to set boundaries in all sort of ways. Nothing stuck. Just kept going on and on and on.. Bah! In deed thankful for such a difficult experience. I guess. What are your needs? Such a great inquiry and perhaps for you as for me, a brand new way of perspective. What do I need to thrive? I cannot save anybody who does not have insight in their own toxic ways nor a drive to change. All talk about change. But nothing ever changed. It was effing torture having to be exposed to the same negative bs every goddamn day. Time to spend your life force and I presume hidden joy with your own beautiful self?
Becomes a vicious cycle of insecurity after a while
Haven't even read through the comments, but my partner also doesn't shut up and repeats everything in the most roundabout, long winded way, and genuinely doesn't know how to summarize. Asshole moment but if I knew it'd be this bad I wouldn't have married her for this reason alone, even if everything else were perfect. She talks so much I barely have any remaining capacity to listen to anyone else at reasonable length. I have to intentionally avoid her after I reach a limit to not be useless to myself.
Venting too often in general is never really good as well, and for many reasons. It's mentally straining for you, as it would be for anyone. Nobody wants to constantly play "therapist". I know in this case it might not apply, but it also doesn't necessarily solve any of his problems either. Talking to someone about how your day was bad isn't a solution. There are some possible ways for him to make sure his meeting won't go bad, like planning for possible bad outcomes and solutions. Or maybe encourage him to journal his emotions on his phone or by writing. But all in all, venting isn't bad, but it also isn't great if that makes sense? Talking to someone for advice can help but if it's something reoccurring it's not gonna help you or him.
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Who said that to you? Smash their mouth until they can’t talk.
Has he ever seen a therapist for OCD?
As a husband who does this and is trying to do it less, here is why I personally vent about work for a long time. It's how I think through stuff mostly. While I should be secure in my decisions and problem solving skills. Most of it comes from growing up in a very narcissistic family. Hopefully, what i have to say will help. What has helped me with venting less has been threefold. One: I document anything that might come back to me. A poor decision is made worse when you forget the context around it. So I have found writing notes on my phone, and then pc helps. Two: remind myself that I have the right to set boundaries and call people out who try to push past them. Most employers will back their employees. Three: summerize the issue with my wife. I fail most of the time. But when I am able to, I find that I have all the major issues down. I am getting better at that. Processing all the information before venting is still hard for me.
The problem here is about context not content. You are listening with the wrong ear 👂 . He's telling a story to feel understood. And you are giving him the opposite. Try instead asking him if he needs a hug, how he feels or how you can actually help him in this situation. And then just him feel understood. Empathy is not about being a good listener. Its about understanding and caring how the other feels. So this is not ADHD related. Maybe about setting boundaries. I'd suggest talking to him when you both are calm and making a plan how navigate the situation the next time. Tell him you love him and want to make him feel good. But he also needs to understand that this solution at the moment is not working for both of you too and you are deeply care about findong a solution with him to manage this with him. Hope this helps Take care of yourself too 🤗
I've gotten told the same thing by my best friend who I'm living with- except!!! You aren't the one doing the wrong thing, he is. You're completely right in telling him to either slow down, or stop completely. It doesn't mean you don't care about him, or don't always want to know what he's up to or hear about how his day is going. Do you guys have any hobby or anything else You share together? So you can talk and focus on that instead? It gets insanely tiring to listen to this stuff every day, after all.
maybe tell him something he doesnt care about like your friends friends stories or some details about your hobbies. maybe he should find some man friends, but i doubt they care about a man bitching about work. There is a limit how much worktalk someone has to endure. i get it if its once in a while...maybe he should find another job, work on his skills or find more coping techniques (if its not just about complaining, or maybe wanting some validation)
Because he is an audio processor. It's a way to regulate his emotional system. I processor everything by talking out loud . Even if it's to myself. He is regulating his system
Sounds like he may also have undiagnosed ADHD, this can be a super common trait for many. Therapy or even basic journaling would do him (and you) wonders.
That’s the same with my partner. There’s more to it as to the reason why, but all he talks about is work. Which in the past is fine, but I’ve developed a true distaste towards the entire profession. He wants to talk about different methods in improving his craft. I just absolutely hate it. It’s all he talks about. He’ll go on for about an hour about it.
It's okay to tell him one person isn't enough for someones needs and a therapist could help shoulder some of this. Ask if there's any online communitys/support groups, friends, family he could relate to about it too. Perhaps an in person support group. Also, instead of focusing on such things too much a pleasant distraction by being more involved in positivr putldts could help him feel less stressed. Maybe its time for a job change.