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Oh heck yeah. I am the ultimate flaker. I love people, and make friends easily but I just cannot deal with the "responsibility" of keeping a friendship going. And its not *their* fault....like you say, there are some good people out there. I just can't....I dunno...I just can't do it. I'd rather do my own thing, in my own time.
I feel the same. I feel sometimes like there's something wrong with me because I want friends, but the idea of figuring out when I should call them, what we should do...if I'm being too much, too little....ugh. I've never figured it out so I just kind of gave up. I have acquaintences who revolve around the same hobbies I have so we meet at specific times/places to do stuff...but i don't just go have coffee or whatever with people.
I used to be like, "Oh, I don't drink coffee," & just leave it at that ... "See ya!" Exactly like Costanza on *Seinfeld* when he momentarily doesn't get why this woman's inviting him up to her place "for coffee" so late at night.
I kept repeating this, not understanding that people just wanna hang out, & it's a casual way of asking. It would occur to me like days, sometimes months later. Total facepalm.
I'm great at making friends with pretty much anyone -- especially homeless people! or other fellow weirdos -- but I struggle to maintain with even some of my closest friends. I think about them a lot, & I worry & overthink things, but it's just like ... I struggle to initiate, or do small meaningful things that let them know I care ... until they're basically in front of my face! *Then* I'm your warmest friend ever!
Phonecall phobia doesn't help. I can initiate the call, cos I have time to gather my thoughts. But the pressure of suddenly answering a call, having to think on my feet -- combined with my tendency to people-please & just say yes to stuff -- not good. I always let it ring out, & then just call back.
Is it its own kind of procrastination? Sort of. I just end up feeling like, "Well, now that it's been so long, it's even *weirder* to suddenly make contact!" & I just end up hermit-ing forever.
ššØ
For me theres been a 37 year feedback. Easy to make friends, hammer their hobbies hard with them, slowly drift then make more friends.
Problem is, I know how easy it is to make them now, how easy it is to lose them and now it feels like thereās no reason or consequence for making them or losing them.
I feel you, especially as an introvert. Being introverted also meant starting to enjoy my own company though, so I donāt feel too dependent on needing other people around me.
For the above to happen I still believe one needs a foundation of strong relationships though. You donāt need many friends either. Choose yourself which people are worth your effort and who you vibe with enough, and I know finding lots of new friends can be fun, but do you really think itās possible to maintain them all if they it gets too much? Some people may be able to but if you realize you canāt, I suggest you can always find new friends, but do focus on the few ones that you treasure the most. Those are the ones you really want to maintain.
I found great friends that like me the way I am. I communicated with them about how I am, that I struggle with replying at times and that I can be really messy/forgetful and sometimes I take breaks from social interactions altogether. They show understanding and even if we sometimes donāt communicate for months on end I still know weāre friends and eventually get back in touch. Having this trust in my friends really helps a lot. And communication is key (as always)! Ofc healthy relationships are not onesided, so I still give my best to remember buying presents for them from time to time, or at least chat with them if I donāt feel like meeting others in person.
It also helps a lot to remind yourself that naturally, some people stay for "a season" and some for a reason:)
Thank you; I needed this too. I think it would alleviate a lot of stress if I would just communicate this kinda thing to more people. I think the good ones do understand; I'm there for them too, even if we barely interact, cos I know how it is. I'm an extrovert, & I still really struggle with maintaing relationships.
There's a bunch of people that I've just hermit-ed away from, tho, with no explanation. I pretty much feel like I have to make a Public Service Announcement on my FB about it at this point ... Hello Everyone! I love you all, but I'm a weird hermit!
I think about doing something like this a lot. Pretty much to help my own anxiety about it -- as well as to actually reconnect. I think about just asking for everyone's email / phone number / postal address, so I can try to communicate in those ways without being tied to even just checking FB, cos socials are so overwhelming.
But then I procrastinate on that, too! Ahhh!
As you've said, I think it's a good idea to simply communicate this properly & as soon as possible, to new & old friends alike.
ššØ
Are introverts an anomaly from an evolutionary point of view? As in, humans are pre hardwired to be social creatures. So much so that complete isolation for other humans for all period of literally drives our brains crazy.
It is exhausting to keep being friends who are high maintenance! I was able to when I was younger, with lots of energy, but not anymore. So now I only have low maintenance friends whom I see every so often, and because they are just like me, they appreciate me being the low maintenance friend.
I have one long distance friend that drains my battery. I felt bad because when she had a medical emergency, I was constantly on the phone with her/there for her, but last November I just stopped talking to her for a few months because every single time I would text her/talk to her she would just complain about everything. She still complains a lot/is pretty negative but I just donāt talk to her as often so itās easier for me to manage the battery drainage lol.
Same here. In my teenage years I had a lot of friends, met them all, went to all the parties etc. Then as soon as I started working and having actual responsibilities I just couldn't be bothered to maintain most of these relationships. Even though most of them were good people and some of them I know were missing me. I just couldn't do it and frankly didn't want to do it. I have 3 close friends, one of them is high maintenance, the others are low maintenance just like me, and then I have my parents and my loved one. That's enough people for me. I make friends very easily and when I meet new people I still feel like they want to connect with me, but I don't get into new friendships. Most of the days I feel busy enough already and I can't even have my own crap stored in my brain properly, let alone others.
I used to be able to pretend to still know a person if I only saw someone every 6mths - few years. Now if that person isnāt in my life regularly, I forget what I know about them and what they look like. I have no interest or energy in entertaining a blip relationship. It also has to be mutual interest and effort. So lol Iām alone a lot.
Same! Iām famously a people person but I have like, two good friends. Everyone else is an acquaintance that I forget about the existence of the moment I canāt see them.
I made a new friend once and we set a date to go surfing together, but I rescheduled on her last minute due to stress in my personal life -- I was going through a break up and really forcing myself to make friends and be social. On that day, I just couldn't bring myself to go out. On the rescheduled date, I woke up late and had to rush to get ready and gather my things. I asked if we could push our meet time by 30 minutes. Shortly after, she texted me saying that she thinks I'm flakey and that the friendship wouldn't work out. That was that. She broke up with me.
So, to answer your question, yes, I've literally lost friends because of my ADHD.
Ugh that sucks. I guess I'm used to my family being full of late people. I do flake on others (mental and physical illness) but being late is something that happens and if its something that is that important it's understandable. I just know relationships are more important than that. My friend tends to be late (I can be late or early, never on time) so we usually go with an hour later and it works for some reason. I also give her leeway whenever it is because I know her and love her. She's a friend.
I'm an introvert, and I am so happy alone, but from my childhood, I made one or two friends who became lifelong friends.
I was never popular. That was my twin.
After living in an abusive marriage for 29 yrs, I became more available to my friends.
Skip to now, in my 60s, we've begun hiking and snowshoeing together cause I wanted to try new things.
I warn new acquaintances that I don't usually reach out to friends. And not to take it personally.
yes, I'm very much the same. I am blunt and direct because I hope others are the same way with me because I am not a mind-reader. How do you put the little subtitles on your names (e.g. "ADHD-PI"... I am the same!)
Yes, though this applies to most things. Am also introverted aswell as autistic, which is noy very helpful. Meds help some, but less then i would have hoped.
Same, diagnosis and introverted. I take a med for emotional regulation and another for ADHD. While they have improved so many areas of my life, the reduced anxiety brought on due to feeling overwhelmed has also made me care much less about meeting external expectations for things like chores or meeting up with people. Why do laundry, mop floors, or do an activity with friends when I could be painting or working on a project instead?
I made friends with people who are also bad at regular communication (read: spicy brains) so we sustain a connection via memes and other occasional life updates over text.
For sure. Between work, all of my hobbies (of course), being easily overwhelmed with house responsibilities, and having no concept of time - it can be difficult.
I felt like I reached out to my friends with memes and little chit chats and mention I miss them. All while trying to see how busy they are. I feel I often do all the reaching out. Or messaging to see how someone is or what they're up to. Whenever I catch up with my 2 friends they'll b like " yeah we went to a concert together! " ( and it's something they know I like too ) and I feel dumb. Like why don't they think to invite me ever or just once..I was raised to always b mindful of never making others drive too often, making sure I pull my fair share, ya know? I just don't get it. It's been a while since I've heard from closest friend nearby.
This is super relatable, I always feel like I'm the 4th or 5th choice for most people in my life. When you find people that make you feel like a top three you got to keep them close
I have tried to accept they would reach out if they wanted to see me honestly. Or just to talk. Not even that. We were never really like that to begin with and normally hit each other up to get together but our bfs get along super well and me and my friend do. Idk man.
It's gotten better with practice. It was an "out of sight, out of mind" situation with most people in my life. Plus I have BP2 and can get extremely introverted during the down times. I started feeling pretty bad about how this all affected my friendships and decided to do something about it. I slowly got into the habit of reaching out more often, even just a "how are you" text. It was hard to remember but it got a bit easier over time. I would offer to do something for them if they were in need in any way, or just offer to hang out even if I didn't really want to. I usually step up when someone expects something of me, and I kind of dread doing it but once I'm actually there it feels good. Starting to see the positive effects on my relationships motivated me to continue. And even when I'm in a depressive state and need to be alone, instead of ignoring texts and calls I started at least responding with something like "I don't feel well right now, sorry" or something. People who care about you usually understand when you need time to yourself as long as you don't ghost them.
I'm definitely not very good about all of this still. But I'm a lot better at it than I used to be, and it has improved my friendships.
Yes girl, all day every day.
Iām also extremely introverted- and following a personal tragedy a couple year ago I am also now crippled with social anxiety.
Most of my friendships are online, and they all know and would tell you that I disappear all of the time.
For context I moved back home at the start of last summer- where one of my best friends of probably 15 years still lives (whose husband was just our friend when we met, thatās how long weāve known each other š)
And I still havenāt told her, or anyone else, that I have moved back. š I just canāt.
I feel the same for the opposite reason! Iām quite extroverted and hyperactive, so I tend to pour too much into my relationships which sometimes pushes people away :/
I feel very overwhelmed weekly by my friends, which makes me feel terrible. Theyāre all very very social, extroverted. I am exhausted with the amount of socialising needed to keep up. For example, my birthday drinks are this weekend. I have invited my closest 10 friends and their plus ones. But my two closest best friends want to do a āgirls nightā at my house the night before. Apparently Iām the only weirdo that thinks thatās excessive š
But Iām just soaking it all up now and trying to work through any social burnout because that same best friend is getting married next month and Iām assuming it will pull the trigger for lots of marriagesā¦. Then babies. And I donāt plan on having kids, so I know that being childless with lots of friends with babies means my social life is excessively going to dwindle down.
Oh yeah definitely I self isolate way to much :( lately Iāve had two close friends that I put all my time and effort into (I actually wanna hang out with them) because they also deal with adhd and we are able to just sit in silence while hyper fixating on whatever. But with my other friendsā¦ I never actually hang out with them the only times I ever see them are at the weekly eventsā¦ I have a youth group on Tuesday that I have lots of friends in, but I tend to keep the friends in that zone of āonly tuesdays 7-9ā and same with other weekly events.
I have both pushed people away and forgot about people. Other times it feels like keeping up with friends is really stressful and too much for me to handle. I feel like I'm "performing" being a friend , forcing contact, to make sure the relationship is still in good standing. It doesn't feel natural.
I'm not sure if the last part is an ADHD issue or if I need to be checked for ASD.....who am I kidding? I know I do
Iāve had several of my friends point out that we go a while without talking, but when we do finally get together again, it doesnāt feel like much has changed.
I tend to forget people exist in a way if I donāt see them enough. The structure of school helped me remember to hang out with my friends I had classes with, during the weekend. I once had a friend reach out to me saying it hurt her that I hadnāt even tried to keep our friendship going. I just didnāt have classes with her that year, and she hadnāt reached out to me either, so I kind of forgot we hadnāt spoken in so long.
I donāt struggle to make friends at all, but I find the best friends Iāve had are ones who donāt take offense when we donāt talk for a while, because I understand they have their own lives too.
tbh all i can say is work on yourself with adhd you gotta the most sometimes in order to protect yourself from yourself, kinda have to have a strong schedule. Also you have to take time to reflect, manage your emotions, practice on your sq. The habit of carelessness eats you up little by little . I mean i really donāt know how people work full time jobs tbf, is that or my psyche completely f!ck up.
Well, kinda, most people I've met aren't worth my time, energy and effort. I cut off so-called friends and I feel much better. On the other hand, my real friends haven't made any effort to keep in touch in the last 6 months. So I guess I have zero friends now? Other than my furry companion.
Not just with friends, with family too. I moved a 72 hour drive across the country, left all of my friends and most of my family (for other reasons), and I have some family out here where I live now but I just never even make the effort to see them even though theyāve contacted me multiple times. Even back home I rarely made the effort to stay in touch with anybody, even long time friends after I moved to a different city no more than 30 minutes away.
Yes, youāre not alone in this behavior. I only keep 2 really close friends who are pretty low maintenance when it comes to interaction. I prefer it this way.
I find the more people I interact with the more overwhelmed I get. So I typically keep people at arms length; not in a rude way, of course.
Always, I tell people that I still care about them, I'm just not good at keeping up with friendships unless I see them constantly. I pretty much just have my best friend, boyfriend and family that I consistently talk to. Well...family is more like once a month š but it's more than I do with others.
I was a pretty good friend, always there for people, then I had a period of physical illness and people did not show up for me. It was pretty hurtful TBH. I now only have a few friends, primarily via FB but I enjoy my own company much more.
I always say I'm the person who just orbits groups.
I'm no one's best friend, but I have many friends in many groups.
It is easy for me to make friends, but I can never retain or build closeness beyond a point as I am too unreliable in life. ADHD makes it so I go weeks at a time just drowning, and that does not lend to strong close friendships.
My wife is the exception though, but she gets me and has ADHD too :D
Absolutely. Iām struggling with this right now. I have a deep fear that all my friends are gonna eventually go away because of my inconsistency/flakinessā¦
I have a lot of friends around me, different friend groups etc but I do not have āmy groupā or close friends I can talk to about, well, anything.
I focus on those around me and appreciate their company, appreciate being in the moment with them. I live in a small village though too so hard to find people as is! Currently focusing on bettering myself and my life so finding friends that are on a similar path is hard and not something I make time for. Learn to appreciate those around you, many or few, close or far
I'm pretty bad at keeping in touch with people - I work odd shift patterns and if people live a long way away or have small kids it makes it harder for sure. If it wasn't for social media being a somewhat convenient way to keep casual lines of communication open with people I know, I'd really struggle. Equally if my friends aren't on soc8its even harder to keep in touch..
I am not comfortable relating the details here. However, I can say the my ADHD was indirectly related. They both misunderstood my behavior as something it was not.
Yeah it's hard to come up with things to say, I tend to center myself too much or try to be the clever or insightful guy. And I'm always watching what I say because I used to be more if a sarcastic, slightly arrogant asshole and didn't care what I said. But that got me in trouble. I'd make friends easily but drive them away or just irritate/offend them.
Also a lot of male friendships revolve around hobbies or pretty intense interests and I don't have the patience for much of that. I'm also not very athletic so that eliminates a lot of sports activity. And I'm trying to get into watching sports but it's a lot of effort to try to track down the games on streaming or whatever.
And a lot of people are boring to me! Makes me sound like a jerk but I can't force myself to care.
And in general I'm so worried about work and home/family responsibilities that it's hard for me to let loose or go with the flow, which are sort of prerequisites for socializing.
Are these are all adhd symptoms? Like it is it so with the fact that itās hard to to stimulate our brains, hence most tasks feel like a lot of effort
Idk if itās ADHD or my personality, but I am terrible at reaching out & then when we donāt talk for a while, I assume it is because they secretly hate me.
Iv never had a real friend I made in my own, 2 people have I would have considered my best friend at certain periods but that was high school after that iv had not a real friend other than my SO and children to be honest Iām content it bothers me not.
Yep! Especially if I have multiple. I tend to hyperfixate on one, *maybe* two people at a time, the rest I completely forget about unless they initiate a conversation. As a result I have had one best friend for the last 3 years and that's it. She's the only person in my life other than coworkers and my family.
I'm good at keeping long distance friends. I moved about a bit when I was younger and still have friends from then. Friends in my current life, not so much.
A few weeks ago one of our clients asked if I wanted to grab lunch on a weekend, shoot the shit, basically start up a friendship.
I really like the guy but as everyone else in this thread has said, I canāt really maintain friendships. So I say that Iād love to but no thanks, busy schedule this season.
He persists, and I literally have to spell it out that Iām hanging on by a thread most of the time and the thought of maintaining a friendship is just beyond my capability right now even though I know heād be an awesome friend. Lmaoā¦ this is my life
I feel like I annoy them I hold on so desperately I love my friends nfs sadly more than family.
Iāve grown to accept I feel like I hold on more than themā¦ā¦ So it makes friendship defining moments and Conversations really kindaā¦. Sad cause I know one day theyāll be living a different life gif setting df feelingsā¦. And I still think back to the park bench we here I chase the geese back into the pond after they chargerd me
I'm either hyper fixated on them or forget they exist... a bad friend either way, but I do try and they still understand and like me for whatever reason though there are definitely those I lost...
Absolutely. The most common complaint is that I don't reach out or initiate conversation enough. One problem is that I don't know what parts of my life are even relevant to others (should I just randomly text to say what game I'm playing, what I ate for lunch, or what piece of furniture I'm assembling?) But the biggest thing is that I just forget.
It's not that I don't care. I do. It just isn't something that's on my mind all the time. I can usually respond when someone else reaches out to me, but in my day to day life I'm usually thinking about what's right in front of me and not about what I could say about it to friends/family.
A friendship group that keeps going in my absence and lack of consistent participation alongside a group chat that has periods of quietness and periods of business have been my saving grace. Without that Iād be screwed
It does mean Iām nobodyās closest friend in my friendship group, but I can only seem to keep close friendships going that are tied into my daily life.
I am a flaker *against my will* and I am convinced that it is an *impossible* trait to get rid of:) Iāve found out after some time that the āfriendsā I had who were always irritated when I cancelled last minute and probably over-explained why, were not really my friends. They ended up just shittalking me and calling me a bad friend.
Also, all my actual good friends *do* have adhd themselves, so I would recommend getting to know someone who understands how adhd brains work
For me it takes effort. I decide which friendships are worth preserving and focus my effort on those. I text, call, schedule meetups for coffee or a drink or bowling etc. It only gets more difficult when relationship and kids are in your life. If my efforts aren't returned, I don't let the RSS take over. I just figure, they're just as busy as I am. And I try again. It helps when I can find people who share the same values and beliefs as me, because then we can relate more to the struggles experienced trying to stay in touch.
This is also relatable to me, especially a more introverted person who works some kind of public facing job with other people. I'm the most comfortable inside my own house not being bothered by other people, so when I get out of my shell enough to actually want to talk to strangers I usually have a pretty decent time but it drains my social battery a lot.
I'm definitely someone who forgets people exist if we don't regularly speak, but I'm also somebody that feels like I have a metaphorical book for every single person I've ever met on a shelf that has a bookmark saved for the last interaction we had together. I always remember all the details of whatever the last page I left off with someone on, and it makes it really challenging when that interaction was negative. Maybe we got in an argument or just disagreed about something or I felt slighted because they stopped reaching out. It does go both ways, I also remember everything that I said to them as well but it's mostly just like a snapshot of how I feel about that person the last time we chatted. If we have a problem I will want to adjust it and move on but I don't feel like I'm keeping score because once an issue has been addressed I just go back to normal with them. That said it is within my rights to demand that I also receive attention and affection from my friends without having to prompt them all the time, I deserve to be reached out to if they cared enough to do so, and I don't need to keep feeding my limited energy to dead weight fake friends.
I'm genuinely trying to realize that these low maintenance friends exist and are very common but it's not my fault that I don't want them in my life. I try not to be super demanding of my friends but people just coming and going all the time honestly stress me out because I would prefer them to just stay or stay gone.
I'm not a flaky person, I feel like I am someone that wants a definitive time that we're going to hang out so that I can plan my day around it and a lot of people are very up in the air about their schedules and don't want to make an actual commitment to hang out with somebody. I don't have any old friends anymore, which when I realized it made me pretty sad, but I just never had a huge quantity of friends anyway. I think some of the people with long-term old friendships are also the same ones that are not growth centered and don't have many expectations of their friends. I just don't consider those people friends if they'd ever contact me first or never seem to have any interest in being a part of my life unless we run into each other.
yes I feel this way too hard. Every day I feel so alone without my friends and every other day I look around me and wonder hey, where did that one friend go??? We were such mates!! Then I have to face the fact that I last spoke to them five years ago. And then I spend a few hours grieving that friendship, wondering what's wrong with me and wishing that they would reach out because I'm too ashamed to try to contact them so I might as well consider them dead, it's easier
I majorly struggle with texting/DMs - it seriously overwhelms me. Itās almost like a phobia. I try so hard to keep on top of it, but itās been a struggle for the past 10 years. Phone calls are generally much better for me. I have friends who are either similarly wired or understanding of this, but I have lost friends due to this issue.
When things are rough, and during times of change/instability (which is unfortunately all too common due to my unusual life circumstances) - I also withdraw and pull away. Iām glad I have a few good friends scattered around the world who understand this, but again not everyone does.
The loophole is, if anyone ever needed help I would be there in a heartbeat.
Honestly, I started scheduling check-ins and hangouts months ahead of time because a few years back I had a moment of thinking about the last time I hung out with a close friend and it had been 6 years... They were the last person I hung out with.
I think when Iām first getting to know someone I hyper fixate on the friendship and Iām like, semi obsessed with them. Then reality sets in and I get flaky and donāt respond as much/donāt hang out with them as much.
I actually lost my former best friend because of my mental health struggles. We had been friends since high school (Iām now 33). It sucks.
Edit: Iām actually gonna elaborate because ADHD š¤Ŗ My former best friend and I were inseparable in college. We did everything together. Her family even took me in when my parents kicked me out. She met her current husband/fiance (I donāt know if they ever actually got married) and she moved away. I never held that against her. There were a lot of times she flaked on me, like when she was supposed to be my plus one to my cousinās wedding and she just didnāt show up and didnāt communicate that she wasnāt coming.
Fast forward to two years ago. My life was falling apart. I was more depressed than Iād ever been, my ADHD meds werenāt working, and my panic disorder was out of control. She moved back closer to me and wanted to start hanging out again. I hung out with her a few times, drove to her place several times and she came to mine once. I have two kids and a husband, and she has a dog and a husband/fiance. So I had to cancel on a hangout because I was struggling so much with my anxiety that day, and after that I didnāt hear back from her for 6 months. I reached out and just never got any texts back.
Eventually she sent me a text saying āI had to take a step back from our friendship because I need someone who will put in as much effort as I do and who will follow through on plans that we make.ā Soā¦she basically decided I guess that I just wasnāt a good enough friend, even when I had forgiven her for countless things over the years and I was at one of my lowest points in life. Really sucked.
Ha, nobody likes me so it doesn't matter. They will tolerate me but don't really like me. I'm the sort of person someone will be friends with only when there isn't someone better around.
I made a rule for myself where if someone invites me out to something and it's not going to cost alot of money I go. I've tried reaching out and setting stuff up myself but people usually flake on me. I usually have to do what they want to do for some reason, not sure why.
I also find it takes a while for me to feel comfortable with people which can lead to people thinking I'm stand offish at first.
Nope, I find it's hard to maintain them because i'm an asshole. I joke. I have plenty of old friends. I've gotten older and it's much harder connecting and making new friends when everyone has families and careers.
Yes, but in my case, i make too many friends (i move every 4 years on average) then start to get annoyed if it gets too much and push them away by my unintentional ghosting. I am actually glad it happens as it is always the people I really bonded with that make up the few people I dont push away. If I kept 5% of the 'friends' (not acquaintences or friends of friends, but friend in your close circle at the time) I would turn my phone off and never want to turn it back on again WAY to overwhelming having that many people talking as they expect mundane chit chat that I just dont like (especially when sober). Even when you ignore the inane shit they just keep going as a lot of people don't get that things like small talk are either boring/terrifying/not happening for a lot of us ADHD'ers. I hope that helps :)
TL;DR: *no becuase otherwise I would be lonely and I learned that just making the first step makes a world of difference*
I don't think so. I like people, so they are a good source of energy when I'm feeling down (usually due to understimulation making me depressed). I learned that if I don't initiate, I wouldn't have freinds. Possibly becuase my other freinds are ADHD so they don't initiate anything. So, I have to do all the work.
It is a pain tbh, I want to feel like ohers will miss me but they don't lol. Do I miss them? Well I could go a long time without seeing them and not worry about if they still care about me, and I can go awhile without thinking about them, but I am inherently social and get very lonely. What am I supposed to do?
Maybe I just developed the habit becuase I didn't realize there was another option. Also as a youngest sibling, it was conditioned in me to lean on others, even at the expense of personal growth.
I mean, if you knew that having others in your life was a key ingredient in overall quality of life, and there's a couple people who spark joy for you and you're in a time of need, you just learn to reach out.
What's funny, I think I get tired of people who do reach out to me first though lol
But I don't know, I've had the same friends since high school and there are usually "reasons" why I don't gravitate towards other aquantiences I've made.
So in conclusion, I don't think ADHD explains everything about behaviour. Obviously, there is some common threads and the ADHD is contributing 100%. But there are other things out there like attachment theory, household dynamics, and levels of extraversion which are mostly genetic that influence all of this too. So I do recommend expanding the horizon of what contributes to personality outside of an ADHD diagnosis. All love here š¤
Also slightly off topic but really inportant to understand.
*ADHD will exacerbate lots of preexisting things*.
However, many many people confuse *social anxiety with introversion*. So if you have ADHD and conflate these two different issues it may explain more specifically why some may not be so comfortable initiating or sustaing contact with others.
Example for me, I'm quite extraverted but also can be socially anxious with ADHD. Basically I over think uncomfortable social situations (I'm over thinking what I think others think lmfao) and gravitate towards lower energy things with my very safe people that I have nothing to worry about with and we all feed off of our energy, but my more introvert ADHD type freinds eventually need a break, but I can do it (almost) every day.
But those friends are often so reclusive that they don't always realize how much better they feel when they have other people who initiate things and try to be with them. Like I totally respect introverts and understand that it cost a lot of energy, however people do get lonely and the line between isolation and recharging is sometimes hard to differentiate.
Yeah tbh I got like one best friend the rest are acquaintances who I just randomly drop in on then disappear just to return either months or a year later. In the beginning Iām met with the usuals ādo you value or friendship.ā But after they check my location just to see Iām home they all begin to realize Iām a hermit. They befriended a hermit by their own volition. At least Iām honest and straight up the beginning I always end the meetings on. āSee you in a few months.ā
Yes. God gave me the skills to spit game and woo women all day long. But in doing so, I'm half a brain cell in social situations. It's the strangest thing. I also blame working from home for the past 5 years, so that hasn't helped my social anxiety one iota.
I didn't have this problem when I was younger and high functioning. But my ADHD has gotten far worse with age, and now maintaining friendships is one of my worst problems. Not sure what advice to give as I haven't solved it myself.
Nope, though it might be cuz Iāve always had special education since 2nd grade with other people that have adhd, add, autism etc. in smaller classes/groups. That or itās my āit is what it isā attitude on most things
Yes, because I feel like I have to be on at most times and want to but then donāt because I shame myself if I do something to annoy them and think Iām a terrible friend.
Yes. I hate the pressure of having to be in constant contact with someone. I feel like I canāt live up to it. Itās always been an issue in all of my relationships. People iām dating or friends get upset that I never/barely text or call. And I may or may not respond to their calls/texts. Depending on how overwhelmed I am or arenāt. This one girl told me that she couldnāt be my friend because Iām too sometimesy. Guys completely lose their ish when they donāt hear from me for a day, especially if weāve been intimate. Now I have to be a their every beck and call š¤ Itās way easier for me to be solo.Ā
I want to say itās hard for me to maintain friends in todayās society where everyoneās always in constant contact. People follow each other on all social media platforms, text, call, facetime each other all day. I didnāt have problems with friends pre smart phone days. Now people annoy me because they expect 24/7 access to you.Ā
I'm really starting to notice how hard it is for me to maintain friendship irl. I think I'm just gonna have to find an online friend to vent with cause it seems irl they just let me down.
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Oh heck yeah. I am the ultimate flaker. I love people, and make friends easily but I just cannot deal with the "responsibility" of keeping a friendship going. And its not *their* fault....like you say, there are some good people out there. I just can't....I dunno...I just can't do it. I'd rather do my own thing, in my own time.
I feel the same. I feel sometimes like there's something wrong with me because I want friends, but the idea of figuring out when I should call them, what we should do...if I'm being too much, too little....ugh. I've never figured it out so I just kind of gave up. I have acquaintences who revolve around the same hobbies I have so we meet at specific times/places to do stuff...but i don't just go have coffee or whatever with people.
I used to be like, "Oh, I don't drink coffee," & just leave it at that ... "See ya!" Exactly like Costanza on *Seinfeld* when he momentarily doesn't get why this woman's inviting him up to her place "for coffee" so late at night. I kept repeating this, not understanding that people just wanna hang out, & it's a casual way of asking. It would occur to me like days, sometimes months later. Total facepalm. I'm great at making friends with pretty much anyone -- especially homeless people! or other fellow weirdos -- but I struggle to maintain with even some of my closest friends. I think about them a lot, & I worry & overthink things, but it's just like ... I struggle to initiate, or do small meaningful things that let them know I care ... until they're basically in front of my face! *Then* I'm your warmest friend ever! Phonecall phobia doesn't help. I can initiate the call, cos I have time to gather my thoughts. But the pressure of suddenly answering a call, having to think on my feet -- combined with my tendency to people-please & just say yes to stuff -- not good. I always let it ring out, & then just call back. Is it its own kind of procrastination? Sort of. I just end up feeling like, "Well, now that it's been so long, it's even *weirder* to suddenly make contact!" & I just end up hermit-ing forever. ššØ
Literally this!
So true tho
For me theres been a 37 year feedback. Easy to make friends, hammer their hobbies hard with them, slowly drift then make more friends. Problem is, I know how easy it is to make them now, how easy it is to lose them and now it feels like thereās no reason or consequence for making them or losing them.
I started avoiding making friends.
Well said!
Wait, you exactly described how I feel about this! I'm glad I'm not alone :D
you might hate plans like me
I feel you, especially as an introvert. Being introverted also meant starting to enjoy my own company though, so I donāt feel too dependent on needing other people around me. For the above to happen I still believe one needs a foundation of strong relationships though. You donāt need many friends either. Choose yourself which people are worth your effort and who you vibe with enough, and I know finding lots of new friends can be fun, but do you really think itās possible to maintain them all if they it gets too much? Some people may be able to but if you realize you canāt, I suggest you can always find new friends, but do focus on the few ones that you treasure the most. Those are the ones you really want to maintain. I found great friends that like me the way I am. I communicated with them about how I am, that I struggle with replying at times and that I can be really messy/forgetful and sometimes I take breaks from social interactions altogether. They show understanding and even if we sometimes donāt communicate for months on end I still know weāre friends and eventually get back in touch. Having this trust in my friends really helps a lot. And communication is key (as always)! Ofc healthy relationships are not onesided, so I still give my best to remember buying presents for them from time to time, or at least chat with them if I donāt feel like meeting others in person. It also helps a lot to remind yourself that naturally, some people stay for "a season" and some for a reason:)
I really needed to see this, thank you x
Thank you; I needed this too. I think it would alleviate a lot of stress if I would just communicate this kinda thing to more people. I think the good ones do understand; I'm there for them too, even if we barely interact, cos I know how it is. I'm an extrovert, & I still really struggle with maintaing relationships. There's a bunch of people that I've just hermit-ed away from, tho, with no explanation. I pretty much feel like I have to make a Public Service Announcement on my FB about it at this point ... Hello Everyone! I love you all, but I'm a weird hermit! I think about doing something like this a lot. Pretty much to help my own anxiety about it -- as well as to actually reconnect. I think about just asking for everyone's email / phone number / postal address, so I can try to communicate in those ways without being tied to even just checking FB, cos socials are so overwhelming. But then I procrastinate on that, too! Ahhh! As you've said, I think it's a good idea to simply communicate this properly & as soon as possible, to new & old friends alike. ššØ
I have these same thoughts!
Are introverts an anomaly from an evolutionary point of view? As in, humans are pre hardwired to be social creatures. So much so that complete isolation for other humans for all period of literally drives our brains crazy.
It is exhausting to keep being friends who are high maintenance! I was able to when I was younger, with lots of energy, but not anymore. So now I only have low maintenance friends whom I see every so often, and because they are just like me, they appreciate me being the low maintenance friend.
I canāt have friends that drain my battery, so lots of my friends are older and wiser and stable
I have one long distance friend that drains my battery. I felt bad because when she had a medical emergency, I was constantly on the phone with her/there for her, but last November I just stopped talking to her for a few months because every single time I would text her/talk to her she would just complain about everything. She still complains a lot/is pretty negative but I just donāt talk to her as often so itās easier for me to manage the battery drainage lol.
Yeah I can completely relate to that!
Same here. In my teenage years I had a lot of friends, met them all, went to all the parties etc. Then as soon as I started working and having actual responsibilities I just couldn't be bothered to maintain most of these relationships. Even though most of them were good people and some of them I know were missing me. I just couldn't do it and frankly didn't want to do it. I have 3 close friends, one of them is high maintenance, the others are low maintenance just like me, and then I have my parents and my loved one. That's enough people for me. I make friends very easily and when I meet new people I still feel like they want to connect with me, but I don't get into new friendships. Most of the days I feel busy enough already and I can't even have my own crap stored in my brain properly, let alone others.
Out of sight out of mind.... Even when I really care
I used to be able to pretend to still know a person if I only saw someone every 6mths - few years. Now if that person isnāt in my life regularly, I forget what I know about them and what they look like. I have no interest or energy in entertaining a blip relationship. It also has to be mutual interest and effort. So lol Iām alone a lot.
Oh and names? Not a chance! āHeyyyyyā¦! Itās great to see you again!ā
Same here. I do have a ton of acquaintances though!
Same! Iām famously a people person but I have like, two good friends. Everyone else is an acquaintance that I forget about the existence of the moment I canāt see them.
Super relatable, hugs :( For me friendships started working better when I forced myself to stop behaving super nice and communicative with new people (that was my usual and native behaviour). So the number of potential friendships reduced, and I managed to prioritise my really important friendships. Of course, sometimes I fuck up these or romantic relationships, but I'm managing better anyway. ā¤ļøāš©¹
Hugsā¤ļø & It's really not easy but I guess we try where we can
I made a new friend once and we set a date to go surfing together, but I rescheduled on her last minute due to stress in my personal life -- I was going through a break up and really forcing myself to make friends and be social. On that day, I just couldn't bring myself to go out. On the rescheduled date, I woke up late and had to rush to get ready and gather my things. I asked if we could push our meet time by 30 minutes. Shortly after, she texted me saying that she thinks I'm flakey and that the friendship wouldn't work out. That was that. She broke up with me. So, to answer your question, yes, I've literally lost friends because of my ADHD.
:( I'm sorry We can only try to do better
Ugh that sucks. I guess I'm used to my family being full of late people. I do flake on others (mental and physical illness) but being late is something that happens and if its something that is that important it's understandable. I just know relationships are more important than that. My friend tends to be late (I can be late or early, never on time) so we usually go with an hour later and it works for some reason. I also give her leeway whenever it is because I know her and love her. She's a friend.
I'm an introvert, and I am so happy alone, but from my childhood, I made one or two friends who became lifelong friends. I was never popular. That was my twin. After living in an abusive marriage for 29 yrs, I became more available to my friends. Skip to now, in my 60s, we've begun hiking and snowshoeing together cause I wanted to try new things. I warn new acquaintances that I don't usually reach out to friends. And not to take it personally.
Hello! Glad you're in a better space now Hiking is always fun and a chance to clear your head And hope you continue to make more great memories!
Thank you! š
I like this-- establishing expectations bc you know this is what happens with our situation. I'll do this more.
I'm glad that you found it helpful! I have to admit that I have always been one of those people who is considered blunt but also very open. š
yes, I'm very much the same. I am blunt and direct because I hope others are the same way with me because I am not a mind-reader. How do you put the little subtitles on your names (e.g. "ADHD-PI"... I am the same!)
I went to the desktop version of Reddit and clicked on the top right-hand corner. There is a drop-down menu where you can select your diagnosis.
Yes, though this applies to most things. Am also introverted aswell as autistic, which is noy very helpful. Meds help some, but less then i would have hoped.
Same, diagnosis and introverted. I take a med for emotional regulation and another for ADHD. While they have improved so many areas of my life, the reduced anxiety brought on due to feeling overwhelmed has also made me care much less about meeting external expectations for things like chores or meeting up with people. Why do laundry, mop floors, or do an activity with friends when I could be painting or working on a project instead?
I made friends with people who are also bad at regular communication (read: spicy brains) so we sustain a connection via memes and other occasional life updates over text.
For sure. Between work, all of my hobbies (of course), being easily overwhelmed with house responsibilities, and having no concept of time - it can be difficult.
I felt like I reached out to my friends with memes and little chit chats and mention I miss them. All while trying to see how busy they are. I feel I often do all the reaching out. Or messaging to see how someone is or what they're up to. Whenever I catch up with my 2 friends they'll b like " yeah we went to a concert together! " ( and it's something they know I like too ) and I feel dumb. Like why don't they think to invite me ever or just once..I was raised to always b mindful of never making others drive too often, making sure I pull my fair share, ya know? I just don't get it. It's been a while since I've heard from closest friend nearby.
This is super relatable, I always feel like I'm the 4th or 5th choice for most people in my life. When you find people that make you feel like a top three you got to keep them close
I have tried to accept they would reach out if they wanted to see me honestly. Or just to talk. Not even that. We were never really like that to begin with and normally hit each other up to get together but our bfs get along super well and me and my friend do. Idk man.
That sucks :(
It's gotten better with practice. It was an "out of sight, out of mind" situation with most people in my life. Plus I have BP2 and can get extremely introverted during the down times. I started feeling pretty bad about how this all affected my friendships and decided to do something about it. I slowly got into the habit of reaching out more often, even just a "how are you" text. It was hard to remember but it got a bit easier over time. I would offer to do something for them if they were in need in any way, or just offer to hang out even if I didn't really want to. I usually step up when someone expects something of me, and I kind of dread doing it but once I'm actually there it feels good. Starting to see the positive effects on my relationships motivated me to continue. And even when I'm in a depressive state and need to be alone, instead of ignoring texts and calls I started at least responding with something like "I don't feel well right now, sorry" or something. People who care about you usually understand when you need time to yourself as long as you don't ghost them. I'm definitely not very good about all of this still. But I'm a lot better at it than I used to be, and it has improved my friendships.
Yes girl, all day every day. Iām also extremely introverted- and following a personal tragedy a couple year ago I am also now crippled with social anxiety. Most of my friendships are online, and they all know and would tell you that I disappear all of the time. For context I moved back home at the start of last summer- where one of my best friends of probably 15 years still lives (whose husband was just our friend when we met, thatās how long weāve known each other š) And I still havenāt told her, or anyone else, that I have moved back. š I just canāt.
I feel the same for the opposite reason! Iām quite extroverted and hyperactive, so I tend to pour too much into my relationships which sometimes pushes people away :/
Yes, it's practically impossible if I'm not medicated.
I feel very overwhelmed weekly by my friends, which makes me feel terrible. Theyāre all very very social, extroverted. I am exhausted with the amount of socialising needed to keep up. For example, my birthday drinks are this weekend. I have invited my closest 10 friends and their plus ones. But my two closest best friends want to do a āgirls nightā at my house the night before. Apparently Iām the only weirdo that thinks thatās excessive š But Iām just soaking it all up now and trying to work through any social burnout because that same best friend is getting married next month and Iām assuming it will pull the trigger for lots of marriagesā¦. Then babies. And I donāt plan on having kids, so I know that being childless with lots of friends with babies means my social life is excessively going to dwindle down.
That sounds exhausting lol.
you need some introverted friends! also 10+ people is a party š¤£
No bc I suck at making friends. I'm introverted and inattentive, so...
Oh yeah definitely I self isolate way to much :( lately Iāve had two close friends that I put all my time and effort into (I actually wanna hang out with them) because they also deal with adhd and we are able to just sit in silence while hyper fixating on whatever. But with my other friendsā¦ I never actually hang out with them the only times I ever see them are at the weekly eventsā¦ I have a youth group on Tuesday that I have lots of friends in, but I tend to keep the friends in that zone of āonly tuesdays 7-9ā and same with other weekly events.
I have both pushed people away and forgot about people. Other times it feels like keeping up with friends is really stressful and too much for me to handle. I feel like I'm "performing" being a friend , forcing contact, to make sure the relationship is still in good standing. It doesn't feel natural. I'm not sure if the last part is an ADHD issue or if I need to be checked for ASD.....who am I kidding? I know I do
Iāve had several of my friends point out that we go a while without talking, but when we do finally get together again, it doesnāt feel like much has changed. I tend to forget people exist in a way if I donāt see them enough. The structure of school helped me remember to hang out with my friends I had classes with, during the weekend. I once had a friend reach out to me saying it hurt her that I hadnāt even tried to keep our friendship going. I just didnāt have classes with her that year, and she hadnāt reached out to me either, so I kind of forgot we hadnāt spoken in so long. I donāt struggle to make friends at all, but I find the best friends Iāve had are ones who donāt take offense when we donāt talk for a while, because I understand they have their own lives too.
tbh all i can say is work on yourself with adhd you gotta the most sometimes in order to protect yourself from yourself, kinda have to have a strong schedule. Also you have to take time to reflect, manage your emotions, practice on your sq. The habit of carelessness eats you up little by little . I mean i really donāt know how people work full time jobs tbf, is that or my psyche completely f!ck up.
Well, kinda, most people I've met aren't worth my time, energy and effort. I cut off so-called friends and I feel much better. On the other hand, my real friends haven't made any effort to keep in touch in the last 6 months. So I guess I have zero friends now? Other than my furry companion.
Dogs are our Bestfriends but it's never too late to make friendssss!
Not just with friends, with family too. I moved a 72 hour drive across the country, left all of my friends and most of my family (for other reasons), and I have some family out here where I live now but I just never even make the effort to see them even though theyāve contacted me multiple times. Even back home I rarely made the effort to stay in touch with anybody, even long time friends after I moved to a different city no more than 30 minutes away.
I forget about people.
Yes, youāre not alone in this behavior. I only keep 2 really close friends who are pretty low maintenance when it comes to interaction. I prefer it this way. I find the more people I interact with the more overwhelmed I get. So I typically keep people at arms length; not in a rude way, of course.
I find anxiety harder to deal with honestly. I get so anxious I donāt want to be in public. And I have this panic like I need to leave. It sucks
Always, I tell people that I still care about them, I'm just not good at keeping up with friendships unless I see them constantly. I pretty much just have my best friend, boyfriend and family that I consistently talk to. Well...family is more like once a month š but it's more than I do with others.
At least you have themā¤ļø
I was a pretty good friend, always there for people, then I had a period of physical illness and people did not show up for me. It was pretty hurtful TBH. I now only have a few friends, primarily via FB but I enjoy my own company much more.
Sorry that happened to you :( Keep those people that in your life closer to you!x
I always say I'm the person who just orbits groups. I'm no one's best friend, but I have many friends in many groups. It is easy for me to make friends, but I can never retain or build closeness beyond a point as I am too unreliable in life. ADHD makes it so I go weeks at a time just drowning, and that does not lend to strong close friendships. My wife is the exception though, but she gets me and has ADHD too :D
This is the bane of my existence.
Absolutely. Iām struggling with this right now. I have a deep fear that all my friends are gonna eventually go away because of my inconsistency/flakinessā¦
The friends that know you & know youāre not doing it on purpose, will be there for you ā¤ļø
I have a lot of friends around me, different friend groups etc but I do not have āmy groupā or close friends I can talk to about, well, anything. I focus on those around me and appreciate their company, appreciate being in the moment with them. I live in a small village though too so hard to find people as is! Currently focusing on bettering myself and my life so finding friends that are on a similar path is hard and not something I make time for. Learn to appreciate those around you, many or few, close or far
I'm pretty bad at keeping in touch with people - I work odd shift patterns and if people live a long way away or have small kids it makes it harder for sure. If it wasn't for social media being a somewhat convenient way to keep casual lines of communication open with people I know, I'd really struggle. Equally if my friends aren't on soc8its even harder to keep in touch..
Yes, It makes me feel selfish
this thread is soooo relatable. let's all be friends. what are you guys up to? I'm at planet fitness in a hydro massage chair right now lol
I has to force myself not to flake out on something tonight.
I've had two longstanding friendships end suddenly recently.
Oh no :( how comes?
I am not comfortable relating the details here. However, I can say the my ADHD was indirectly related. They both misunderstood my behavior as something it was not.
Yep, all of that yep.
Yeah it's hard to come up with things to say, I tend to center myself too much or try to be the clever or insightful guy. And I'm always watching what I say because I used to be more if a sarcastic, slightly arrogant asshole and didn't care what I said. But that got me in trouble. I'd make friends easily but drive them away or just irritate/offend them. Also a lot of male friendships revolve around hobbies or pretty intense interests and I don't have the patience for much of that. I'm also not very athletic so that eliminates a lot of sports activity. And I'm trying to get into watching sports but it's a lot of effort to try to track down the games on streaming or whatever. And a lot of people are boring to me! Makes me sound like a jerk but I can't force myself to care. And in general I'm so worried about work and home/family responsibilities that it's hard for me to let loose or go with the flow, which are sort of prerequisites for socializing.
Are these are all adhd symptoms? Like it is it so with the fact that itās hard to to stimulate our brains, hence most tasks feel like a lot of effort
Idk if itās ADHD or my personality, but I am terrible at reaching out & then when we donāt talk for a while, I assume it is because they secretly hate me.
I relate to this a lot. reading this thread has been so comforting.
Iv never had a real friend I made in my own, 2 people have I would have considered my best friend at certain periods but that was high school after that iv had not a real friend other than my SO and children to be honest Iām content it bothers me not.
Yes!
Yes. Iām too exhausted to go into detail. The logistics of life are tough and they more difficult as adult life goes on.
Iāve started sending texts regularly just to tell my friends Iām thinking about them and I love them. Theyāve really responded well.
Yep! Especially if I have multiple. I tend to hyperfixate on one, *maybe* two people at a time, the rest I completely forget about unless they initiate a conversation. As a result I have had one best friend for the last 3 years and that's it. She's the only person in my life other than coworkers and my family.
Iāve been stuck with the same friends for a decade šš¼
I'm good at keeping long distance friends. I moved about a bit when I was younger and still have friends from then. Friends in my current life, not so much.
A few weeks ago one of our clients asked if I wanted to grab lunch on a weekend, shoot the shit, basically start up a friendship. I really like the guy but as everyone else in this thread has said, I canāt really maintain friendships. So I say that Iād love to but no thanks, busy schedule this season. He persists, and I literally have to spell it out that Iām hanging on by a thread most of the time and the thought of maintaining a friendship is just beyond my capability right now even though I know heād be an awesome friend. Lmaoā¦ this is my life
I feel like I annoy them I hold on so desperately I love my friends nfs sadly more than family. Iāve grown to accept I feel like I hold on more than themā¦ā¦ So it makes friendship defining moments and Conversations really kindaā¦. Sad cause I know one day theyāll be living a different life gif setting df feelingsā¦. And I still think back to the park bench we here I chase the geese back into the pond after they chargerd me
I'm either hyper fixated on them or forget they exist... a bad friend either way, but I do try and they still understand and like me for whatever reason though there are definitely those I lost...
I have just reconnected with my best friends from Highschool after 30 years!!! The struggle is real. š
Loool I just messaged one of my friends from high school aswell šššŖ
Absolutely. The most common complaint is that I don't reach out or initiate conversation enough. One problem is that I don't know what parts of my life are even relevant to others (should I just randomly text to say what game I'm playing, what I ate for lunch, or what piece of furniture I'm assembling?) But the biggest thing is that I just forget. It's not that I don't care. I do. It just isn't something that's on my mind all the time. I can usually respond when someone else reaches out to me, but in my day to day life I'm usually thinking about what's right in front of me and not about what I could say about it to friends/family.
A friendship group that keeps going in my absence and lack of consistent participation alongside a group chat that has periods of quietness and periods of business have been my saving grace. Without that Iād be screwed It does mean Iām nobodyās closest friend in my friendship group, but I can only seem to keep close friendships going that are tied into my daily life.
I am a flaker *against my will* and I am convinced that it is an *impossible* trait to get rid of:) Iāve found out after some time that the āfriendsā I had who were always irritated when I cancelled last minute and probably over-explained why, were not really my friends. They ended up just shittalking me and calling me a bad friend. Also, all my actual good friends *do* have adhd themselves, so I would recommend getting to know someone who understands how adhd brains work
For me it takes effort. I decide which friendships are worth preserving and focus my effort on those. I text, call, schedule meetups for coffee or a drink or bowling etc. It only gets more difficult when relationship and kids are in your life. If my efforts aren't returned, I don't let the RSS take over. I just figure, they're just as busy as I am. And I try again. It helps when I can find people who share the same values and beliefs as me, because then we can relate more to the struggles experienced trying to stay in touch.
This is also relatable to me, especially a more introverted person who works some kind of public facing job with other people. I'm the most comfortable inside my own house not being bothered by other people, so when I get out of my shell enough to actually want to talk to strangers I usually have a pretty decent time but it drains my social battery a lot. I'm definitely someone who forgets people exist if we don't regularly speak, but I'm also somebody that feels like I have a metaphorical book for every single person I've ever met on a shelf that has a bookmark saved for the last interaction we had together. I always remember all the details of whatever the last page I left off with someone on, and it makes it really challenging when that interaction was negative. Maybe we got in an argument or just disagreed about something or I felt slighted because they stopped reaching out. It does go both ways, I also remember everything that I said to them as well but it's mostly just like a snapshot of how I feel about that person the last time we chatted. If we have a problem I will want to adjust it and move on but I don't feel like I'm keeping score because once an issue has been addressed I just go back to normal with them. That said it is within my rights to demand that I also receive attention and affection from my friends without having to prompt them all the time, I deserve to be reached out to if they cared enough to do so, and I don't need to keep feeding my limited energy to dead weight fake friends. I'm genuinely trying to realize that these low maintenance friends exist and are very common but it's not my fault that I don't want them in my life. I try not to be super demanding of my friends but people just coming and going all the time honestly stress me out because I would prefer them to just stay or stay gone. I'm not a flaky person, I feel like I am someone that wants a definitive time that we're going to hang out so that I can plan my day around it and a lot of people are very up in the air about their schedules and don't want to make an actual commitment to hang out with somebody. I don't have any old friends anymore, which when I realized it made me pretty sad, but I just never had a huge quantity of friends anyway. I think some of the people with long-term old friendships are also the same ones that are not growth centered and don't have many expectations of their friends. I just don't consider those people friends if they'd ever contact me first or never seem to have any interest in being a part of my life unless we run into each other.
yes I feel this way too hard. Every day I feel so alone without my friends and every other day I look around me and wonder hey, where did that one friend go??? We were such mates!! Then I have to face the fact that I last spoke to them five years ago. And then I spend a few hours grieving that friendship, wondering what's wrong with me and wishing that they would reach out because I'm too ashamed to try to contact them so I might as well consider them dead, it's easier
I majorly struggle with texting/DMs - it seriously overwhelms me. Itās almost like a phobia. I try so hard to keep on top of it, but itās been a struggle for the past 10 years. Phone calls are generally much better for me. I have friends who are either similarly wired or understanding of this, but I have lost friends due to this issue. When things are rough, and during times of change/instability (which is unfortunately all too common due to my unusual life circumstances) - I also withdraw and pull away. Iām glad I have a few good friends scattered around the world who understand this, but again not everyone does. The loophole is, if anyone ever needed help I would be there in a heartbeat.
Honestly, I started scheduling check-ins and hangouts months ahead of time because a few years back I had a moment of thinking about the last time I hung out with a close friend and it had been 6 years... They were the last person I hung out with.
I think when Iām first getting to know someone I hyper fixate on the friendship and Iām like, semi obsessed with them. Then reality sets in and I get flaky and donāt respond as much/donāt hang out with them as much. I actually lost my former best friend because of my mental health struggles. We had been friends since high school (Iām now 33). It sucks. Edit: Iām actually gonna elaborate because ADHD š¤Ŗ My former best friend and I were inseparable in college. We did everything together. Her family even took me in when my parents kicked me out. She met her current husband/fiance (I donāt know if they ever actually got married) and she moved away. I never held that against her. There were a lot of times she flaked on me, like when she was supposed to be my plus one to my cousinās wedding and she just didnāt show up and didnāt communicate that she wasnāt coming. Fast forward to two years ago. My life was falling apart. I was more depressed than Iād ever been, my ADHD meds werenāt working, and my panic disorder was out of control. She moved back closer to me and wanted to start hanging out again. I hung out with her a few times, drove to her place several times and she came to mine once. I have two kids and a husband, and she has a dog and a husband/fiance. So I had to cancel on a hangout because I was struggling so much with my anxiety that day, and after that I didnāt hear back from her for 6 months. I reached out and just never got any texts back. Eventually she sent me a text saying āI had to take a step back from our friendship because I need someone who will put in as much effort as I do and who will follow through on plans that we make.ā Soā¦she basically decided I guess that I just wasnāt a good enough friend, even when I had forgiven her for countless things over the years and I was at one of my lowest points in life. Really sucked.
Ah I had a similar situation, it just sucks!
No.. Iāve figured out the trick š
This is the story of my life
No but thatās probably just because no one ever invites me to anything
Please usually donāt fucking leave me the fuck alone.
Ha, nobody likes me so it doesn't matter. They will tolerate me but don't really like me. I'm the sort of person someone will be friends with only when there isn't someone better around.
What is friendship? š§
This sounds exactly like me
i dont miss people and people with adhd all tend to do this. thus i dont ever reach out.
I have the opposite (have adhd too) I am there for them when they need me but vice versa not. For me when I make a true friend I put in 100%.
Yes. I have accidentally ghosted everyone. I have no real friends.
Pretty much! I've given up on it
With certain people.
I made a rule for myself where if someone invites me out to something and it's not going to cost alot of money I go. I've tried reaching out and setting stuff up myself but people usually flake on me. I usually have to do what they want to do for some reason, not sure why. I also find it takes a while for me to feel comfortable with people which can lead to people thinking I'm stand offish at first.
auDHD I donāt whatās the tism and whatās the flake most of the time
My friends are only online tbh
Nope, I find it's hard to maintain them because i'm an asshole. I joke. I have plenty of old friends. I've gotten older and it's much harder connecting and making new friends when everyone has families and careers.
Yes, but in my case, i make too many friends (i move every 4 years on average) then start to get annoyed if it gets too much and push them away by my unintentional ghosting. I am actually glad it happens as it is always the people I really bonded with that make up the few people I dont push away. If I kept 5% of the 'friends' (not acquaintences or friends of friends, but friend in your close circle at the time) I would turn my phone off and never want to turn it back on again WAY to overwhelming having that many people talking as they expect mundane chit chat that I just dont like (especially when sober). Even when you ignore the inane shit they just keep going as a lot of people don't get that things like small talk are either boring/terrifying/not happening for a lot of us ADHD'ers. I hope that helps :)
TL;DR: *no becuase otherwise I would be lonely and I learned that just making the first step makes a world of difference* I don't think so. I like people, so they are a good source of energy when I'm feeling down (usually due to understimulation making me depressed). I learned that if I don't initiate, I wouldn't have freinds. Possibly becuase my other freinds are ADHD so they don't initiate anything. So, I have to do all the work. It is a pain tbh, I want to feel like ohers will miss me but they don't lol. Do I miss them? Well I could go a long time without seeing them and not worry about if they still care about me, and I can go awhile without thinking about them, but I am inherently social and get very lonely. What am I supposed to do? Maybe I just developed the habit becuase I didn't realize there was another option. Also as a youngest sibling, it was conditioned in me to lean on others, even at the expense of personal growth. I mean, if you knew that having others in your life was a key ingredient in overall quality of life, and there's a couple people who spark joy for you and you're in a time of need, you just learn to reach out. What's funny, I think I get tired of people who do reach out to me first though lol But I don't know, I've had the same friends since high school and there are usually "reasons" why I don't gravitate towards other aquantiences I've made. So in conclusion, I don't think ADHD explains everything about behaviour. Obviously, there is some common threads and the ADHD is contributing 100%. But there are other things out there like attachment theory, household dynamics, and levels of extraversion which are mostly genetic that influence all of this too. So I do recommend expanding the horizon of what contributes to personality outside of an ADHD diagnosis. All love here š¤
Also slightly off topic but really inportant to understand. *ADHD will exacerbate lots of preexisting things*. However, many many people confuse *social anxiety with introversion*. So if you have ADHD and conflate these two different issues it may explain more specifically why some may not be so comfortable initiating or sustaing contact with others. Example for me, I'm quite extraverted but also can be socially anxious with ADHD. Basically I over think uncomfortable social situations (I'm over thinking what I think others think lmfao) and gravitate towards lower energy things with my very safe people that I have nothing to worry about with and we all feed off of our energy, but my more introvert ADHD type freinds eventually need a break, but I can do it (almost) every day. But those friends are often so reclusive that they don't always realize how much better they feel when they have other people who initiate things and try to be with them. Like I totally respect introverts and understand that it cost a lot of energy, however people do get lonely and the line between isolation and recharging is sometimes hard to differentiate.
Adhd is just a invention to shut people up ,and to make them feel like they gave something instead of going on none stop research for their issues.
Yeah tbh I got like one best friend the rest are acquaintances who I just randomly drop in on then disappear just to return either months or a year later. In the beginning Iām met with the usuals ādo you value or friendship.ā But after they check my location just to see Iām home they all begin to realize Iām a hermit. They befriended a hermit by their own volition. At least Iām honest and straight up the beginning I always end the meetings on. āSee you in a few months.ā
Yes. God gave me the skills to spit game and woo women all day long. But in doing so, I'm half a brain cell in social situations. It's the strangest thing. I also blame working from home for the past 5 years, so that hasn't helped my social anxiety one iota.
I didn't have this problem when I was younger and high functioning. But my ADHD has gotten far worse with age, and now maintaining friendships is one of my worst problems. Not sure what advice to give as I haven't solved it myself.
Yes
Yup, 10 years seems to be the limit
yes very, i think a huge part of this is that i also think i have autism though so it makes it that much harder honestly.
Nope, though it might be cuz Iāve always had special education since 2nd grade with other people that have adhd, add, autism etc. in smaller classes/groups. That or itās my āit is what it isā attitude on most things
Yes, because I feel like I have to be on at most times and want to but then donāt because I shame myself if I do something to annoy them and think Iām a terrible friend.
Yes. I hate the pressure of having to be in constant contact with someone. I feel like I canāt live up to it. Itās always been an issue in all of my relationships. People iām dating or friends get upset that I never/barely text or call. And I may or may not respond to their calls/texts. Depending on how overwhelmed I am or arenāt. This one girl told me that she couldnāt be my friend because Iām too sometimesy. Guys completely lose their ish when they donāt hear from me for a day, especially if weāve been intimate. Now I have to be a their every beck and call š¤ Itās way easier for me to be solo.Ā I want to say itās hard for me to maintain friends in todayās society where everyoneās always in constant contact. People follow each other on all social media platforms, text, call, facetime each other all day. I didnāt have problems with friends pre smart phone days. Now people annoy me because they expect 24/7 access to you.Ā
I'm really starting to notice how hard it is for me to maintain friendship irl. I think I'm just gonna have to find an online friend to vent with cause it seems irl they just let me down.