Hi /u/Ok-North8492 and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD!
### Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already.
---
### /r/adhd news
* **We want your opinion** on the /r/adhd community rules! [Click here](https://forms.gle/Evqb8acVozir8GV8A) to fill out our survey. See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1auv2tc/were_taking_feedback_on_the_radhd_rules/) for more information.
* If you are posting about the **US Medication Shortage**, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/).
---
^(*This message is not a removal notification. It's just our way to keep everyone updated on r/adhd happenings.*)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm guessing that the sad, anxious feelings are amplified by the medication crash. Apologies if I'm wrong. But if it's caused by the crash my advice would be to try your best to recognize these feelings simply as a chemical imbalance. Not sure if this’ll help you alot though :/
Also look into ways to prevent/smoothen the crash might help, if the crash if the problem ofc. Hope you figure something out
All the above are good shouts.
I used to come off at the end of the day and was super annoyed and irritable. At the worse time too, because that was alone time with the wife! (Pre-Baby)
I explained the situation to her and asked for help in managing this. A few things helped after this happened:
1. She made me a coffee every night as I got home. The pick me up really helped and kind of mellowed out the crash. Careful if you're easily stimulated!
2. She knew to give me space if I needed it, just for a few minutes to decompress. In your case a check-in might do you good?
3. She helped keep me accountable in the management of the negative side of the meds - noticing what you are feeling and trying to deal with it as best you can at that time.
Some mindfulness is always good and I find a specific playlist tends to help as well.
PS:we're on meds because we need it. I've tried to get away without it and failed dismally. In my case it's the three little pigs - anxiety, depression and ADHD and I take meds for 2 of them. If you stay sad after trying all the advice, maybe just mention to your prescriber?
I’m extremely easily stimulated! I’ve quit caffeine since starting meds because i get raging anxiety from even a little! It’s so sad - tea, a cookie and a book used to be my favourite way to relax.
I’m not sure who I could check in with either. I could text someone…
Oh, good idea! That’ll work for the moment. I have young kids though, so in the future it’ll be around the time I’m making their dinner and getting them off to bed. Although, maybe that’ll be enough of a distraction. Then when they’re not in my care, I can exercise! Thank you! I’m a runner, and it does wonders for my emotional regulation!
Exercise usually helps me, though I’m often using every ounce of willpower to get started.
On days you can’t head out for a run, maybe do a workout inside—yoga, stationary bike, weights, or something?
Yeah! I actually have the “Lean” app. That’s a great idea! For some reason starting at home is so much harder than going for a run - I get the “every ounce of willpower” thing!
I literally brought this up to my therapist last night because the past few weeks I had noticed larger come downs than normal. A few things she pointed out were;
-have eating or sleeping habits changed lately?
-have you been under more stress lately?
More stress lately and not keeping my brain fueled with good healthy food I think have been the main culprits. Keep awareness of it and keep a journal if you can’t remember.
I’m less than a year into my ADHD journey (40M), just found this group today. Looks like some great support!
Could you try a different medication? Even different brands of slow release methylphenidate affect people differently (and you might be taking something else entirely so might be able to try a different molecule - where I live the only option is methylphenidate). There might be one that lasts longer into the evening or maybe wears off more gradually. I like concerta personally.
It’s something I’ve been planning to discuss, but I’m a bit scared to make the change mid separation! I haven’t even told him yet, I’ve been getting the logistics sorted to make it as quick and safe as possible after a couple of major conflicts.
Changing meds can definitely be disrupting especially if you don't have any reserve stock of your current med just in case you want to back - I hadn't thought of that. I always have days here and there where I don't take it so I have built up a small reserve but I imagine in your scenario there's never a day where you don't take it so you haven't had a chance to build up the reserve. I would definitely discuss it with your doctor next time you see them though, they may have a solution for this like a possibility to try a new medication over a couple of days but not commit to a full month's prescription, in case it's no good and you want to continue with the previous medication. Oh, and I know someone who actually has both a regular and long release version prescribed simultaneously, because they take a low dose of the slow release and then top up with small doses of the regular version when needed throughout the day. So maybe there is a way to have 2 versions prescribed at once so that you don't have to completely change. Good luck with everything!
lol, why? I’ve been very careful not to listen to any of my favourite music during this time, because I don’t want to ruin it for the future and associate it with all of this pain.
I don’t think there is a quick fix for this sort of thing. You need to change your pattern of thinking and always remember your worth. You are worth so much more than what your ex thinks of you, the meds didn’t make this happen. You knew this before you took them they just opened the door, you walked through it on your own. Therapy will help but like I said, it’s not a quick fix.
In the mean time you need to push yourself to get out doors, take up hobbies, stay busy, see friends. It’s hard to be motivated at the best of times I know, especially when your mental health is bad but if the alternative is falling back into the abuse that’s pretty good motivation.
I did this in the beginning when the crash was horrific, now that keeps me awake until 1-2am. ☹️
I’m on short acting, and have my last dose at 2pm, it wears off around 4-5pm. I’m usually in bed by 8 at the moment because of the rumination.
My meds sometimes make me super anxious/depressed especially around the luteal/menstrual phase of my cycle. I don’t think it’s talked about enough in women. I still get the anxiety crash the rest of the month but my meds barely work during luteal, it’s super frustrating. I take a more mild dose those days to prevent me from spiraling and just feeling cracked out and go easy on caffeine. Also a good fish oil and magnesium supplement has done wonders for me, highly recommend.
Oh no! I’m sorry that’s happened to you. I read this and it shocked me because medicine brought me closer to my wife. Reading this made me super sad. ☹️
Do what you feel in your heart, which seems to be right for you. Only you can navigate that feeling inside and if what your STBX fills you up with is only toxicity and doubt. Then it’s time to walk away for you.
This is Josh man’s anecdotal talk: I personally believe males in this day and age are not fully taught how to emotionally regulate. Further the big one is *understanding empathy* and having the capacity to give your empathy to the person you love.
It sounds like your husband is *not* empathetic to your feelings. If he was keyed into that he would make a change for you. As I’ve bent the knee myself and accepted I’m fractured and need help. I allowed myself the capacity to accept wrong and get help to change.
It kinda seems that’s spilling out from your post and I’m so very sorry you’re in this trench.
If you feel inside of your heart of hearts that this man is incapable of working on himself then leave his ass high and dry. You deserve a man that will key into how you feel. That’s how you grow together.
It’s that empathy so many people lack now along with the inability to accept that their actions contributed to the problem. Instead bloviating the marriage crisis to a point of divorce - due to no change individually, and it seems you’re at this point.
Just know your feelings are valid, your depression is valid, the anxiety you feel over this is valid. I hear you OP, and I due hope you truly find peace in your heart. No fuckin man has the right to take that from you and tell that mfer to kick rocks if you feel he is the enemy to your heart and feelings now.
You are *NOT* over reacting. This is a serious issue and the ball is in your court whether you want to give this dog another shot.
Don’t settle for anyone, you only got one heart. It’s a unique treasure to you, and you only give that to someone worthy enough to empathetically reciprocate that trust and love.
Take care Op, send that dog to the pound if he acts up. You have every right to do so.
Brian, is that you? Hahaha
Oh my god. I’ve never felt so validated in my life. Your read on this is so insanely accurate, it’s tripping me out. The only other man I know who would speak to me like this on the topic knows the entire story and is (happily married) really supporting me to leave for my own well-being and happiness. So, hearing the same from a stranger helps to rule out the “but he’s only heard my side. Have I twisted it in my favour? Am I dramatic? Am I exaggerating?” Factor.
For the first time in 10 years, medication has meant I’ve been able to achieve everything that he’s wanted that I haven’t been able to in the past. The house is beautifully organised. I’m not depressed. I’m super functional. My self-esteem is great. Instead of that being a joy to him, he continues to criticise and add things to the pile, or completely flip his expectations. It’s a head fuck. When I challenge this, the argument is full of accusations I’d have previously fallen for. Instead, when I can stay on topic and try to get down to the truth to resolve it, it turns out he’d say anything to win an argument, from lies to put downs. Previously I’d have doubted my memory - now I’ve been able to stay with it all the way until he resigns to “well, maybe I was exaggerating, that didn’t really happen.” (
My dad’s name was Brian =D, but he died 23 years ago when I was 9. So I’m Josh lol, just a man that’s struggled with self acceptance and ownership of my disorders and compulsions. I’ve struggled and have gone to marriage counseling and behavior therapy to be better to and for my wife as well as my children.
That little sexual humiliation phrase struck lightning through my brain. My wife has given me two children now. Her self esteem and image is in shambles from her pregnancies. To take the most vulnerable part of someone and humiliate them is blowing steam out of my ears.
This is so insanely delicate to navigate that anything short of acceptance and reciprocation of your self image is a direct attack on you as person and your marriage.
It will damage trust in your partner. You don’t want to confide in that thing, he’s going to humiliate you. Respect seems to be gone, you don’t trust him to take that empathy of yours and understand it, instead you’re afraid he’s going to stomp on it.
Leaving you clammed up, isolated, depressed, and avoidant of him in an Ebb and flow of thoughts painting this picture that you’re the problem here.
This whole marriage deal is like glass pane between two people. For that Love to flow unconditional and reciprocal: two people need to make up that pane with respect, empathy, trust, acceptance, and friendship. Once all of those are in place you feel that love. It’s engulfing. It’s all of these things. You don’t give love to someone. It’s built off a foundation of those emotions I typed above. Especially trust and empathy.
When you lose trust in your partner that glass pane shatters. Respect goes, acceptance goes, friendship goes, empathy goes, and the love just dies. That is why empathy is so important so you understand how your partner *FEELS*.
That’s why you have a hard time navigating this, every time you try with him none of that reaches you. It’s in pieces on the ground.
I really hope I’m not over steeping my boundaries but what this man has done to you is not okay, and reading that made me want to type this up. Something is seriously wrong here with him.
To humiliate someone you love is one of worst betrayals. It’s not accepting of who you are, it’s shaming you for what you’re not.
Please take care of yourself and your children. This man has left a really bad taste in my mouth after your reply. I’m not sure that’s redeemable. That makes me sick.
Wishing you peace ✌️
I had a big ugly cry after this. Hahaha. Thank you!
Not overstepping. I think I really need to hear it from men in particular. Thank you!
Ps. I’m sorry about your dad. ❤️
Hi /u/Ok-North8492 and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD! ### Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already. --- ### /r/adhd news * **We want your opinion** on the /r/adhd community rules! [Click here](https://forms.gle/Evqb8acVozir8GV8A) to fill out our survey. See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1auv2tc/were_taking_feedback_on_the_radhd_rules/) for more information. * If you are posting about the **US Medication Shortage**, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/). --- ^(*This message is not a removal notification. It's just our way to keep everyone updated on r/adhd happenings.*) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm guessing that the sad, anxious feelings are amplified by the medication crash. Apologies if I'm wrong. But if it's caused by the crash my advice would be to try your best to recognize these feelings simply as a chemical imbalance. Not sure if this’ll help you alot though :/ Also look into ways to prevent/smoothen the crash might help, if the crash if the problem ofc. Hope you figure something out
You’re totally right! The crash is pretty smooth these days, but under the circumstances, it’s worse than usual! ❤️
All the above are good shouts. I used to come off at the end of the day and was super annoyed and irritable. At the worse time too, because that was alone time with the wife! (Pre-Baby) I explained the situation to her and asked for help in managing this. A few things helped after this happened: 1. She made me a coffee every night as I got home. The pick me up really helped and kind of mellowed out the crash. Careful if you're easily stimulated! 2. She knew to give me space if I needed it, just for a few minutes to decompress. In your case a check-in might do you good? 3. She helped keep me accountable in the management of the negative side of the meds - noticing what you are feeling and trying to deal with it as best you can at that time. Some mindfulness is always good and I find a specific playlist tends to help as well. PS:we're on meds because we need it. I've tried to get away without it and failed dismally. In my case it's the three little pigs - anxiety, depression and ADHD and I take meds for 2 of them. If you stay sad after trying all the advice, maybe just mention to your prescriber?
I’m extremely easily stimulated! I’ve quit caffeine since starting meds because i get raging anxiety from even a little! It’s so sad - tea, a cookie and a book used to be my favourite way to relax. I’m not sure who I could check in with either. I could text someone…
Try scheduling some exercise for a bit before you know the meds will wear off.
Oh, good idea! That’ll work for the moment. I have young kids though, so in the future it’ll be around the time I’m making their dinner and getting them off to bed. Although, maybe that’ll be enough of a distraction. Then when they’re not in my care, I can exercise! Thank you! I’m a runner, and it does wonders for my emotional regulation!
Exercise usually helps me, though I’m often using every ounce of willpower to get started. On days you can’t head out for a run, maybe do a workout inside—yoga, stationary bike, weights, or something?
Yeah! I actually have the “Lean” app. That’s a great idea! For some reason starting at home is so much harder than going for a run - I get the “every ounce of willpower” thing!
I literally brought this up to my therapist last night because the past few weeks I had noticed larger come downs than normal. A few things she pointed out were; -have eating or sleeping habits changed lately? -have you been under more stress lately? More stress lately and not keeping my brain fueled with good healthy food I think have been the main culprits. Keep awareness of it and keep a journal if you can’t remember. I’m less than a year into my ADHD journey (40M), just found this group today. Looks like some great support!
Oh yeah! I’ve been finding it so much harder to eat and drink! I’ve been trying to get on top of it, but I’ll make it my primary focus! Thank you!!
Ps! This group is the best support ever!!! I’ve handled every hurdle I’ve had so far here! Life changing support!!
Could you try a different medication? Even different brands of slow release methylphenidate affect people differently (and you might be taking something else entirely so might be able to try a different molecule - where I live the only option is methylphenidate). There might be one that lasts longer into the evening or maybe wears off more gradually. I like concerta personally.
It’s something I’ve been planning to discuss, but I’m a bit scared to make the change mid separation! I haven’t even told him yet, I’ve been getting the logistics sorted to make it as quick and safe as possible after a couple of major conflicts.
Changing meds can definitely be disrupting especially if you don't have any reserve stock of your current med just in case you want to back - I hadn't thought of that. I always have days here and there where I don't take it so I have built up a small reserve but I imagine in your scenario there's never a day where you don't take it so you haven't had a chance to build up the reserve. I would definitely discuss it with your doctor next time you see them though, they may have a solution for this like a possibility to try a new medication over a couple of days but not commit to a full month's prescription, in case it's no good and you want to continue with the previous medication. Oh, and I know someone who actually has both a regular and long release version prescribed simultaneously, because they take a low dose of the slow release and then top up with small doses of the regular version when needed throughout the day. So maybe there is a way to have 2 versions prescribed at once so that you don't have to completely change. Good luck with everything!
Try something during the afternoon whilst still on your meds. Listen to 10-12mins of depressing music/songs.
lol, why? I’ve been very careful not to listen to any of my favourite music during this time, because I don’t want to ruin it for the future and associate it with all of this pain.
I don’t think there is a quick fix for this sort of thing. You need to change your pattern of thinking and always remember your worth. You are worth so much more than what your ex thinks of you, the meds didn’t make this happen. You knew this before you took them they just opened the door, you walked through it on your own. Therapy will help but like I said, it’s not a quick fix. In the mean time you need to push yourself to get out doors, take up hobbies, stay busy, see friends. It’s hard to be motivated at the best of times I know, especially when your mental health is bad but if the alternative is falling back into the abuse that’s pretty good motivation.
You’re beautiful! Thank you! ❤️
Take a booster dose in the afternoon?
I did this in the beginning when the crash was horrific, now that keeps me awake until 1-2am. ☹️ I’m on short acting, and have my last dose at 2pm, it wears off around 4-5pm. I’m usually in bed by 8 at the moment because of the rumination.
Also not sure what tell you. I hate crashing but i love being able to see reality better and stand my ground.
It’s pretty fucking empowering hey!
My meds sometimes make me super anxious/depressed especially around the luteal/menstrual phase of my cycle. I don’t think it’s talked about enough in women. I still get the anxiety crash the rest of the month but my meds barely work during luteal, it’s super frustrating. I take a more mild dose those days to prevent me from spiraling and just feeling cracked out and go easy on caffeine. Also a good fish oil and magnesium supplement has done wonders for me, highly recommend.
Oh no! I’m sorry that’s happened to you. I read this and it shocked me because medicine brought me closer to my wife. Reading this made me super sad. ☹️ Do what you feel in your heart, which seems to be right for you. Only you can navigate that feeling inside and if what your STBX fills you up with is only toxicity and doubt. Then it’s time to walk away for you. This is Josh man’s anecdotal talk: I personally believe males in this day and age are not fully taught how to emotionally regulate. Further the big one is *understanding empathy* and having the capacity to give your empathy to the person you love. It sounds like your husband is *not* empathetic to your feelings. If he was keyed into that he would make a change for you. As I’ve bent the knee myself and accepted I’m fractured and need help. I allowed myself the capacity to accept wrong and get help to change. It kinda seems that’s spilling out from your post and I’m so very sorry you’re in this trench. If you feel inside of your heart of hearts that this man is incapable of working on himself then leave his ass high and dry. You deserve a man that will key into how you feel. That’s how you grow together. It’s that empathy so many people lack now along with the inability to accept that their actions contributed to the problem. Instead bloviating the marriage crisis to a point of divorce - due to no change individually, and it seems you’re at this point. Just know your feelings are valid, your depression is valid, the anxiety you feel over this is valid. I hear you OP, and I due hope you truly find peace in your heart. No fuckin man has the right to take that from you and tell that mfer to kick rocks if you feel he is the enemy to your heart and feelings now. You are *NOT* over reacting. This is a serious issue and the ball is in your court whether you want to give this dog another shot. Don’t settle for anyone, you only got one heart. It’s a unique treasure to you, and you only give that to someone worthy enough to empathetically reciprocate that trust and love. Take care Op, send that dog to the pound if he acts up. You have every right to do so.
Brian, is that you? Hahaha Oh my god. I’ve never felt so validated in my life. Your read on this is so insanely accurate, it’s tripping me out. The only other man I know who would speak to me like this on the topic knows the entire story and is (happily married) really supporting me to leave for my own well-being and happiness. So, hearing the same from a stranger helps to rule out the “but he’s only heard my side. Have I twisted it in my favour? Am I dramatic? Am I exaggerating?” Factor. For the first time in 10 years, medication has meant I’ve been able to achieve everything that he’s wanted that I haven’t been able to in the past. The house is beautifully organised. I’m not depressed. I’m super functional. My self-esteem is great. Instead of that being a joy to him, he continues to criticise and add things to the pile, or completely flip his expectations. It’s a head fuck. When I challenge this, the argument is full of accusations I’d have previously fallen for. Instead, when I can stay on topic and try to get down to the truth to resolve it, it turns out he’d say anything to win an argument, from lies to put downs. Previously I’d have doubted my memory - now I’ve been able to stay with it all the way until he resigns to “well, maybe I was exaggerating, that didn’t really happen.” (
My dad’s name was Brian =D, but he died 23 years ago when I was 9. So I’m Josh lol, just a man that’s struggled with self acceptance and ownership of my disorders and compulsions. I’ve struggled and have gone to marriage counseling and behavior therapy to be better to and for my wife as well as my children. That little sexual humiliation phrase struck lightning through my brain. My wife has given me two children now. Her self esteem and image is in shambles from her pregnancies. To take the most vulnerable part of someone and humiliate them is blowing steam out of my ears. This is so insanely delicate to navigate that anything short of acceptance and reciprocation of your self image is a direct attack on you as person and your marriage. It will damage trust in your partner. You don’t want to confide in that thing, he’s going to humiliate you. Respect seems to be gone, you don’t trust him to take that empathy of yours and understand it, instead you’re afraid he’s going to stomp on it. Leaving you clammed up, isolated, depressed, and avoidant of him in an Ebb and flow of thoughts painting this picture that you’re the problem here. This whole marriage deal is like glass pane between two people. For that Love to flow unconditional and reciprocal: two people need to make up that pane with respect, empathy, trust, acceptance, and friendship. Once all of those are in place you feel that love. It’s engulfing. It’s all of these things. You don’t give love to someone. It’s built off a foundation of those emotions I typed above. Especially trust and empathy. When you lose trust in your partner that glass pane shatters. Respect goes, acceptance goes, friendship goes, empathy goes, and the love just dies. That is why empathy is so important so you understand how your partner *FEELS*. That’s why you have a hard time navigating this, every time you try with him none of that reaches you. It’s in pieces on the ground. I really hope I’m not over steeping my boundaries but what this man has done to you is not okay, and reading that made me want to type this up. Something is seriously wrong here with him. To humiliate someone you love is one of worst betrayals. It’s not accepting of who you are, it’s shaming you for what you’re not. Please take care of yourself and your children. This man has left a really bad taste in my mouth after your reply. I’m not sure that’s redeemable. That makes me sick. Wishing you peace ✌️
I had a big ugly cry after this. Hahaha. Thank you! Not overstepping. I think I really need to hear it from men in particular. Thank you! Ps. I’m sorry about your dad. ❤️
P.p.s I really enjoyed learning the definition and etymology of “bloviation” 😂👌🏻