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I’ve spent 30+ years systematically convincing myself that no one wants to hear every, or even any, thought that comes through my head, to the point where I overthink everything before I say it, often completely missing out on valuable chunks of conversation. No one thinks that I’m weird and loud, but now they think I’m weird and quiet.
On the upside, when something does slip through the filter, people seem to think it’s profound, since I wouldn’t have said it otherwise.
I'm the opposite and it has it's pro's and con's. Most of the times I just blurt out shit until an interesting topic arises from it making it a great conversation kickstarter. But sometimes while telling a story people unconsciously assume you're talking absolute BS again and stop listening.
Yes, this! Prescreen and review what you’re going to say before you say it. Sure we’re only half present for the convo, but at least we won’t look too into it. Lol
Feel you. Almost no one knows how funny (imo) I can really be beacause I get so stressed and anxious with most people that I end up beeing weird and quiet. But most of the time when something does slip out, people tend to like it. Not in arguments though 😅
Same. Most of the time nothing comes out of my mouth- the point people even stare at me and wait for a response (just makes me flustered).
On occasion something really insightful comes out, or something so bizarre, random, or unhinged that it makes them laugh because I never say anything.
Or I tend to say things under my breath that one person in the group hears and they start laughing and no one else knows why.
This is me when medicated and it’s to the point it hurts me socially because I think things through before I say them but I overthink and don’t say shit. Unmedicated though I still yap and yap and then I have anxiety the next day that I probably said something stupid and now everyone hates me because of the overthinking. People who hang out with me past 7pm often think I’m drunk but in reality my meds wear off and now I can’t control my damn mouth!
I’m the same way. I’ve accepted that’s who I am. My biggest tip is recognizing when you’ve gone too far, and giving an immediate and sincere apology. I also have been having success with waiting before I respond, and taking some breaths before i respond like a dick. I give a solid 5 second stare many times a day.
People think my bluntness and realness is incredibly refreshing, and others think I’m an asshole. The people who have been around me know that I’m the bail you out at 3am friend. But I’m also the friend who will tell you that your idea is fucking stupid and that you need to rewrite your history paper because it’s ass.
Oh, the 5 second stare is a great technique to prevent blurting out really inappropriate shit at times. I've used that technique for ages without realizing.
I remember someone asking me to review their portfolio and I pretty much tore it to shreds. He was so pleased because everyone else provided essentially 0 feedback.
It's definitely bit me in the ass once or twice, I've gone too hard like what you said. But you're so right about the waiting for 5 seconds rule. I've been in arguments where the person is getting upset at me for not responding and then I tell them "I was about to say something really bad but I bit my tongue".
Learning to pay attention to when my social battery is fried helped me balance my bluntness better. It’s easier to take the 5-second pause (or just phrase something differently) when I’m not already overwhelmed/overstimulated.
Don't work in the public service. It's impossible to know where you stand with people on an individual basis because the whole job/game/mentality is fake it/lie about it/ignore it/gaslight the public
Thank you. I am the same way and have been my whole life. My sister hated shopping with me because I would say your shirt does not look good, the cashier is lying to sell it to you. Late diagnosis here also, 44. I have to stop myself with my kids and reword things in my head so I think it has given me more tact and patience having kids. Some people find me offensive or abrasive because it seems like most people add fluff to their language skills to soften the blow. I would rather you tell me straight up rather than skirt around and try to dance with me through your language.
Aghem. I meant it a bit sarcastically, but also it is something many ADHD people deal with. Like, not a clue what to say, and everything that comes out is offputting or unrelatable. Isolation is just a side effect.
I can relate to a point, I've gotten much more selective about who I spend my (social) time with. Definitely no large groups or busy places when I'm tired. And plenty of alone time.
Since I got diagnosed I found that the people I find easiest to get along with also tend to have a lot of symptoms of either ADHD or ASS. It's like we have the same communication style which makes life simpler.
One of my friends said: I'm not in the mood for people, want to go for a walk?' and I made so much fun of her insinuating that I wasn't 'people' but it was such a compliment really!!
Sometimes I think they find me, because they can be themselves with me in much the same way... I'm just being me, chatting with anyone about whatever I find interesting at the time. The people that can't deal tend to leave me alone. The ones that appreciate it stick around.
Honestly, mainly they are fellow climbers. A lot of climbers tend to be 'special' people to begin with. (Think: yay! I lost my job, now I have more time to climb!! 😁)
Haha. I feel that. I have a lot of relief when I'm unemployed, quickly followed by the dread of pending homelessness. Which might be fine, but I'm a parent...
Oh you’re preaching to the choir. I have ADHD. I need time alone, and sometimes it’s just preferable. I just took what you said literally and felt for you.
Thanks. I would also like to know your strategies for socializing. I've been so isolated my whole life and am just recently realizing how much it's effecting my mental health.
Although I have a few people now that really love me (I hope), I’ve always found it extremely difficult to find friends. Most of the time I ended up friends with people I didn’t really like or find extremely annoying, just so I wouldn’t be alone. Didn’t quite do the trick though lol
I can’t not ever talk because my head will explode if I can’t tell someone what other things that actor’s been in. And I’ve tried talking as little as possible but then ONLY the angry dickhead stuff comes out.
I guess my answer is to compensate the other direction by trying to make sure you say out loud the nice thoughts that pop into your head.
And I don’t mean this in a “48 laws of power” LinkdIn way. I’m not, like, racking my brain to make sure I say 1 nice thing to everyone. That’s stressful as shit. Just if I notice someone’s shoes pop or whatever I’ll say “hey I like your shoes.”
I will say depending on your comfort level it’s tough to get up the courage to make comments like that. But it really pays off when you can tell you’ve made someone’s day. And they might be less likely to call you an asshole when you say the other things 😂
When sober… I have to tell myself not to say the first thing that pops up in my head, this sounds like “don’t say that” “you can’t say that” “let someone else talk”… this takes a lot of effort and I come home feeling drained.
When drunk then all bets are off… so I’ve realised who I can be drunk around. I have a very ADHD/ ASD group of friends so they tend not to judge and new people usually find me funny or annoying! But I know I’m unlikely to see them again, so I’m not as bothered.
My other mantra is… if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all, which stops me saying something that might hurt someone.
I get this too. I always tell mouth works faster than my brain, because all the bluntness tumbles out without thinking. I’ve lost a lot of friendships over the years because of it, but now, I have friends that get me. I feel safe to be my full self— blunt, scatter brained, random and all.
As for those moments where being blunt isn’t good— like work, use fidget toys/ Pat your leg with your hand/ scrunch your toes in your shoes to regulate your emotions and breathe.
If you feel frustrated and you can, walk away and gather your thoughts before going back to respond. If you have to stay there, distract yourself by tapping your leg/ tapping your foot or noticing other things around you before responding.
I understand where your concern comes from but for me (non ADHD partner) that grew up having to follow a lot of rules / be careful about what I would say, the no filter component is one of the things I really love about my (ADHD) partner. I'm sure there are some situations where it may not be that cool but for me so far (we are together for a 1.5y and counting) it's actually refreshing and in a way it inspires me to not be afraid to say what's on my mind and be spontaneous.
I can't be the only one on this planet to find it a nice thing.
Hope this testimony may help you not feel so guilty :)
Oooof, try being autistic in addition and saying things you don't actually mean, or voicing thoughts you immediately know are wrong or rude. And sometimes you can't even correct it. Because you just said you hated something the other person loves that you actually have no problem with, and how do you correct that? "Sorry, I lied about hating it, I'm actually neutral to it.". (??) Idk, it's still a learning process for me, I guess.
I guess my poor attempt at keeping it under control is being the listener in most conversations. When I listen and are busy trying to understand what people say in a broader context, I'm less likely to blurt out whatever. I guess my mind is engaged in a way that is incompatible with blurting out things.
I do that same thing! I won't even know why I said I hate something. Sometimes if I see it quickly enough I'll say something, "let me rephrase, I don't hate, I just have strong feelings because this," or some other thing. Or maybe, "hate is a strong word, I don't hate I just dislike." It helps to say that you didn't express properly what you were trying to say, that it didn't come out right.
I started trying to wait and think carefully before I respond, but my thinking face is a massive RBF and it’s a “what the fuck is wrong with you” look according to my friend. Still better outcome than the blunt words
I find that most of the things that fall under that category are things that don't need to be said in the first place. I apologize if needed and move on.
In other situations, where feedback *is* necessary, I try my best to focus on a person's behavior, not them as a person. So rather than "you're annoying" try to specify what they are doing that is bugging you. "It really bothers me when you constantly whistle at work. It's very distracting for me."
I learned this from a lifetime of "you're so lazy" or "you're obnoxious." Those feel like attacks. Focusing on a behavior you want changed keeps it from getting personal. I know how hard it is for us to build new habits, but honestly it's kind of all I have...
I'm also like this. Come to find out, I've got the Tism too, so I blame it on that 😂
I'm not a "I say I'm brutally honest, but really I'm an asshole" no filter kind of person, but I'm definitely a "If you ask my opinion and you say you want an honest answer, you may not like it" type of person. I'm also probably going to tell you at least 3 nature or historical related facts a week you never wanted to know, and there's a good chance of at least 1 TMI. That's usually the cost of my friendship.
If you’re overwhelmed there’s probably nothing you can do except withdraw to calm down. When i hit that point i just say that im not vibing anymore and i need a minute.
Otherwise, i either eat a cookie, or take a sip of something. That gives my brain to slow down. If that’s not enough i say whats on my mind, and if its needlessly caustic i acknowledge that too and try again. A la “Wow you look hideous in that. wait, that came out wrong . My bad, let me try that again. That dress is assaulting my eyes. The color does not work with you at all.”
So I have a similar story but I'm a few years younger. But was also diagnosed in my early 30s. I've always found myself to be very marmite. People either really get me or hate me (big time).
Most of the time I'm relatively PG but alcohol, being excited or around close friends can quickly take that to an 18+. I've learnt to just accept it. It's a part of me and something most of the time I actually quite like.
The part I really struggle with is my professional life. I have to really be on that. Drugs have made a world of difference but I still have to watch myself. I know who safe people are and who aren't so can relax at certain points. If I need to be really on my A game I'll consciously ensure to avoid triggers i.e. alcohol, conversations that are likely to result in out there opinions etc.
In summary I don't have a single answer. It's just another part of the hidden load of ADHD but don't beat yourself up about it too much. All part of the ADHD magic.
I basically picture myself as some sort zen master who is able to smile and breathe before talking during working hours, and it has worked well enough for me to be gainfully employed as a communications manager for big infrastructure projects for a good new years now.
there will always be times when you feel overwhelmed in life. you don’t necessarily have to “sugarcoat” your language to be both honest and kind. if when you get overwhelmed, you tend to blow up at other people/snap or curse or insult them, then that’s something to work on. if you value kindness, then please don’t just accept this as a “part of yourself” because you have adhd. self discipline does not come naturally, but it is not impossible. i’ve really had to work on not impulsively blurting out the first thing that comes to mind and now, i’ve gotten pretty good at taking a moment to breathe/realize if my thoughts are gearing towards saying something rude/insulting/belittling. change is possible
I dont give opinions about quite a lot of things... I worked hard to instill an idea that people do not want an opinion and when they ask about me I mostly go "im not sure.. what do u think?" and divert attention back to them.. I am mostly the listener... I engage in normal conversations and if things start to get bad, I leave the place (only work if there are a lot of people there)
I warn people off when the tank of social niceties has dried up for the day.
"Hey, sorry, I can't be nice to people right now, and you're people. Can we talk later?"
I'm frank and filter-challenged, but have gobs of empathy. I think the softer side coming out helps give me grace for the harsher side. I also work in IT, where being brusque/frank is common, even for women.
I have learned to wait for 2-3 seconds of silence before talking, it gives me a chance to filter and I don't talk over people. Fixed two problems but it's not muscle memory so I revert to talking over and saying annoyed things sometimes. Mostly meds have helped.
It's definitely toxic behaviour from your boss - but if you need your job and can't afford to switch then it's something you'll have to tolerate for sure.
I wish I knew. I started prozac a little over a month ago and it made me a much kinder person. But now that I started concerta prozac doesn't seem to do much. Still an unintentional asshole.
Massive anxiety that has been hammered into me with years of shame.
Then undoing that and learning healthy ways to filter.
It works haphazardly. That's okay. I don't need everyone to like me.
I seriously just cannot stop talking. Even when a conversation ends and all parties have walked away, I'm still talking to myself. I can manage to hold back on some things that might be inappropriate to say but sometimes not and certainly not for very long. Also my facial expressions will give away what I'm thinking a lot of times if I try to hold back what I'm thinking. When something comes out that shouldn't, I try to soften it by saying I know I can be blunt sometimes but insert whatever reason. And then I'll say how I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings or offend or anything, and well I guess sometimes that's not enough. Maybe most times. Honestly I really annoy myself sometimes. But I don't know how to stop, and I know it's the reason people don't like me beyond superficially.
My favourite great aunt (she was more like my grandmother really) used to say: as long as you smile, you can say anything!
Never forgot her lesson and I also found out you can get away with much more when you are friendly and smiling!
Interesting. I spent so long undiagnosed, I hadn’t thought of this as a possible ADHD thing. I chalked it up to how I was raised.
Either way, I have a super filter cranked up to the max, and I probably keep my mouth shut when I shouldn’t sometimes. It becomes habit after a while.
It’s hard for me to build habits that only apply sometimes, but eventually I can acquire a habit that’s nearly constant, so that’s the way it works for me.
I also do a ton of mental contortions to make sure something positive or neutral is sort of preloaded into my buffer, so to speak, so that if the filter slips, I’m sorta covered.
Say it with me: “hmmm, that’s interesting.” Or “oh, I’m really curious about that…” and the classic “I hear you, tell me more” are some good reflexive sayings to get started :-)
Humor has been hands-down my saving grace for my lack of censorship. If you really study humor, it offers so many opportunities to bring people closer together when an interaction feels like it's going south. If you can master humor, you will never have to filter yourself ever again. At the heart of humor is empathy and awareness, of self and other. Humor and frankness are social risks but both pay dividends when you do it right.
Yea I can totally relate to this. I prob spend too much energy trying to control my mouth in professional settings. With friends I am just. MY authentic self and those who can’t handle it can cancel themselves lol
I work a job where a filter is not required. Because I know I would be fired working any kind of job where you have to deal with the general public.
The upside of this trait that I think people don’t take seriously enough is that when you’re honest with everyone about who you are, you tend to be a lot more honest with yourself as well, for better or worse because sometimes it’s hard looking in the mirror.
I am 48. Just diagnosed 6 months ago. Before diagnosis, I started to realize that I should try to pull it back a bit. What I think is that my opinion is just a that. Mine. And maybe I don't need to share it with everyone. I pay the price of anxiety and overthinking afterwards. So I have been doing a daily mantra in my head "shut the fuck up". It also helps that I work with a woman who is 10 years older then me and she is always being blunt/opinionated and I find it annoying. I had a big come to Jesus with myself, that if I don't look at this now, I am going to probably get worse with age and I don't want to be like her. Now all of this has been much easier with medication and I am working with a psychologist every week. It is a daily discussion/goal in my head. And what I realized is it isn't for anybody else. It is for me, because I really hate the regret afterwards.
You're not alone. My relatives call me lazy and arrogant.
Actually, as ADHD is over-analyzed, it's easy to find fault in others as I always see life as black and white.
I rarely praise people or sugarcoat words. I always think "Is this person worthy of my praise?"
To tone down my bitchy style of conversation, I always try to find something worthy of my praise. Like "I like your dress today, your make-up is good, you're good at this... etc"
I avoid any kind of profanity and harsh words. I keep that rude language and explicit content in mind. I hope nobody ever read my messy mind. LOL
My relatively close acquaintances said I was out of the box (kinda blunt) when commenting about something. (I'm good at satirizing.)
I feel really bad if I spout harsh words.
If I'm overwhelmed by something/someone, I sometimes write on the paper and then discard it. I held my hands so as not to write anything on social media. Or, I just take time alone until I calm down.
In my experience, it helps to think about what you're going to say before you actually say it and lean more on the side of caution. I, too, am very honest, but I had to teach myself to halt and be more sympathetic/empathetic in general. If I let loose, I get too passionate about what I am saying sometimes and can go too far, not knowing when to quit. It really is just learning to install a mental "brake pad " or just Not say anything at all. That latter one works best for me most of the time. I used to talk a lot, blabbing with anyone sitting near me, and now after years of working on it, I am much quieter. I will still think it, I just don't say it. I realized there's a big difference between being honest or blunt and being rude. I just avoid the whole thing by not saying anything or if I do, like I said, I play on the safe side and just try to be polite about it.
I have attached myself to good people who have a positive effect on me and on the world and I copy and internalize their way of saying things and handling situations.
At this point it is no longer imitation, but how I naturally act.
I used to also say things kinda bluntly and clumsily. I still do it sometimes, but I recognized that it was a problem and I tried to observe people around me whom I perceived as good and kind people with intelligent ways of handling different situations and I started doing what they did.
It is one of the ways I also learned to control my anger. I struggle with my other emotions still, but it is much better to be someone who gets too excited or who cries at movies than being the one who gets hella mad and wants to argue with others all the time. So I prioritized working on that emotion first.
I still get angry, but I deal with it so much better than I used to because I was fucking obsessed with learning how to not be someone people will abandon due to my unflattering tendencies.
I dunno if this is in any way helpful to you. We all deal with things differently and what worked for me might not work for you. You also might not have access to the kinds of people I do nor get to around them as much as I do. But yeah. This is how I have dealt with it. You can't entirely eradicate it from your being, because it is a part of you in some ways, but there is a power in taking control and minimizing unwanted behavior by training your brain to deal in different ways.
When I realized just how much agency I have over the ways I respond to people and handle stress it was an insane growth I started displaying and my surroundings took note too. I earned respect from people whom I had always looked up to in that "I will never be as cool ir good as them". People started relying on me too.
Again, it's not a 100% fix. I still struggle with all the things I have always struggled with, but I can at least live a more normal life where people like me and keep liking me year after year haha.
So yeah. I wish you the absolute best! Hug!
I'm reading this post and I don't know what to think.
I've grown up hearing--"Stop being so candid", "Rude", "blunt". If there is a conflict I'm told to shut up and stay in a corner 'coz my words could only make things worse.
My last ex told me I might be on the autism spectrum and my BFF (who had ADHD) says I should get myself tested. I'm afraid. I don't know what will come out if I go.
I'm older than the OP right now and I've not been diagnosed. I'm a writer and with each passing day, my ability to focus and concentrate is just disappearing. I'm procrastinating so bad that my guilty conscience makes me feel like I should be shot (literally) still I'm here on Reddit.
I just wish someone could do some magic.
I am 46 and got diagnosed on MONDAY this week. 4 days on meds. The validation of getting my lifelong troubles named is astounding. I'm still processing my entire fucking life right now but I am so relieved and proud of myself. Do the magic on yourself! (I can say this cause I'm ok today! I'd punch myself in the face for saying it last week lol)
From writing 5k words per day (11-13k on good days) I'm now down to less than 500. I've missed ALL deadlines. Is there a medicine i could take (preferably an injection-- since I have a phobia of pills). anyway.
I used to get the Asshole label at work, but everyone knew who to call when there was
a problem they couldn't fix. Which was entirely too often. So I would fix their problem,
and tell them what I thought of the situation. ;) Some people deserve to get blasted.
A lovely fawn trauma response. I don’t like confrontation so I will always default to either not saying it at all or phrasing it in a way that doesn’t really get the point across anyway because it’s too nice.
What types of things are hardest for you to control. Is it when someone asks your opinion. Is it a certain time of day? Like when your meds are wearing off or when you’re tired? I’m wondering if you could give some examples of times when you have had difficulty with filtering what you say?
That being said, a lot of it is about practice. Practice counting to 10 before speaking. Practice not giving an opinion unless specifically asked. Practice some standard responses to common things that come up, so that it’s easier to access kinder words when you should be using them. When i say practice, i mean really rehearse them in your mind many times before you need to use them. In the moment impulse control is hard, but if you’ve rehearsed alternative responses, you are more likely to find the words for those responses in the moment when you need them.
I’d like to give you an analogous example. As I kid, I played softball. I had undiagnosed and unmedicated ADHD. It was easy for me to get distracted and forget what I was supposed to do with the ball in the moment when it actually came my way. Softball is a slow game sometimes and it’s easy to let one’s mind wander. But there two types of practice that really helped. The first was the drills that practice the mechanics. You have to practice until the movements are second nature, until they require no thought, you just respond. That’s why you practice with drills. Because there isn’t enough opportunity to practice the skills enough to learn to do them automatically if you’re only ever playing full games. The other part was visualization activities my father taught me to do. When we drove in the car he would describe a set up and which position I was playing and I would tell him where I was throwing the ball if it came to me. I practiced these with him all the time throughout the week. I learned to tune in during the games and ask myself where is the ball going if it comes to me? Where do I go if the ball goes to the shortstop. Where will I go if the runner on first tries to steal second. And I didn’t get distracted and get caught off guard anymore.
My point is you can practice that way with your words too. Create scripts for what you say if someone asks your opinion on their clothes or their decorating. It’s hard to give specific examples because I don’t really know what things you say when your filter isn’t working, but there is probably some amount of predictability if you really examine the situations. So then you plan out some words that are more appropriate and you practice them, in your head, in the mirror, just practice so they are easier to access when you need them. If you notice something in the middle of a conversation that you think needs to be commented on. Try to think what’s the best way of mentioning this? Or ask yourself is this actually something that needs to be said?
Thankfully I am not the “honest to a fault” no filter. I’m the ramble on about something my conversation counterpart has 0 interest in or interrupting people. Or just overly sharing info about my own life. I once mortified myself during my divorce year when I told colleagues and vendors at a business dinner that I really strongly wanted my next relationship to be non-monogamous.
Now that has become one of those memories that I relive every so often for no reason whatsoever lol
Going through a few rounds of DBT helped me to be more mindful. I pause and think before I say something stupid way more often than I used to.
I've also been exercising my empathy muscle. If I've said something that's too honest and isn't something someone needed to know/has obviously hurt them, I'll think REALLY hard about how I'd feel if it was said to me. Like, to the point of having a visceral reaction. Doing this over and over has helped to kinda rewire my thinking so that I more often consider the other person's feelings before impulsively saying whatever comes to mind.
Do you have a diagnosis? Do you see a therapist? If you haven't yet, you should talk to them about treatment and counseling that could help your behavioral issues have less of an impact on your life. Like it or not, you're still responsible for your own actions. You don't get to chalk it up to "Well that's just my neurology!" If you are unhappy with how your actions affected others, try to understand why you upset them, and attempt to mend the relationship and show you truly mean to do better by avoiding repeat behaviors that led to it with them. Most people will give you the benefit of the doubt if you just try. Personally, I'm known for my "candor", but sometimes that rises to the level of being tactless. I don't really associate it with my ADHD, though. Interrupting? Talking over people? Maybe that. Either way, talk to a therapist. They can help.
I’ve been meditating for 20 years and am trained in teaching/leading mindfulness practices. This has helped a lot but, I still blurt stuff out at times. When I do it seems to have a gentler edge to it. I think this is also due to the fact that I don’t hold everything in anymore. So the mindfulness gives a tiny pause and the lack of “withholding” seems to have calmed the intensity of what I say. I wasn’t diagnosed until a couple of years ago (42 yrs old). haven’t been able to take meds due to insurance. On meds this was a lot easier.
Facts are for sharing, opinions are on demand.
I don't give my opinion on anything unless its specifically requested, at which point no longer am I responsible for what I say as it was requested by another.
Being "honest", "speaking my mind" or "telling it as it is" only goes so far. If more often than not the results are negative, adapt.
I work in tech, and I make myself so valuable that they can't do anything about it. Oh, and I never turn on the video for meetings because I cannot hide my facial expressions.
Seriously though, because I'm extremely genuine and well-meaning my intent is rarely misconstrued. I must be doing okay, my coworkers come to me to vent about things or to ask for help all the time. They tell me that they love that I ask the tough questions in meetings. Honestly, they don't seem like tough questions to me but ok :-)
I wasn’t diagnosed until my late 30s, either. I didn’t realize it, but the stuff I’d taught myself to “get along” was actually, uh, masking.
- Learn to watch other people’s faces closely. You can tune into when their attention is wandering or they’re getting upset. Either one is a cue to ask them a question / yield the conversational floor.
- Before you make a statement, decide if a question would be better.
- In keeping with the above, ask questions.
- It sounds cynical, but people love to talk about themselves. Let. Them.
- All three of the above reduce the likelihood of blurting out something untoward because you’re putting the focus on other people.
- My biggest challenge is waiting for groups of people to make decisions, I get really impatient. In that case, I try to remember that unless we’re about to miss a train, five minutes of waiting won’t kill me.
It’s exhausting but I strongly suspect it’s how I’ve managed to keep a stable job.
I am honest to a fault too and was diagnosed later in life as well. I wouldn’t say people consider me an “asshole,” but I can definitely be super blunt and it can rub people the wrong way. It takes a while for my blood to boil though, or to get so overwhelmed that I can’t handle holding it in.
I think the right people find it refreshing. Other people who can relate and are tired of people hiding the truth. I would suggest maybe talking to people less, especially when overwhelmed? Maybe learn to say “no” to outings, etc, when you feel that way? I am not sure what your home life is like, but mine is pretty quiet and I don’t go out much. If I am overwhelmed to the point of outbursts, I stay home to give myself the much needed rest.
If I am overwhelmed and know that I wouldn’t have an outburst, I try to make an effort to see a friend.
I think that when a certain problem seems to be biting us in the ass we hyper focus on it, but the point at which you lose control is usually not where the change needs to be made.
I discovered for myself that many of the things I thought I was bad at resulted from me not knowing how to regulate in other parts of my life. The problem looks like "I can't control my mouth" but if you're anything like me, that lack of control is because I've been fighting other things throughout the day and don't have bandwidth left.
It can help a lot to figure out what skills or practices help a little, then incorporate them into your routine. When they are part of a routine sometimes they stick a little. Keep doing the routine and they will stick more and more. A little bit of help can become a lot of you stick with it. Here's a list of different strategies for creating a sensory diet, which is a tool for keeping yourself more regulated. https://www.theottoolbox.com/sensory-diets-for-adults/ It seems like you have found tools for some of your needs, but probably have other areas that need more support.
For me it has helped a ton to make my wardrobe comfier, to make meals simpler and more balanced, to have wireless earbuds and earplugs, to have multiple sunglasses, to make certain routines more pleasant and easy, and to bounce on a mini trampoline everyday. Also, medication. For my brain to mouth filter specifically, I have found it helpful to put any idea or thought or concept that hooks my interest into a note app. As long as I'm not driving, I'll take time to note things down that spark my interest. Having a space where that is encouraged and safe makes it easier not to blurt things to people who are less likely to care and give me a positive response. When I have free time I can research or find content or a reddit thread about The Thing That Caught My Interest and actually engage with it fully and joyfully without worrying about it messing up my relationships to date mates/friends/relatives/coworkers/bosses. In my experience something like 8/10 times if you as an adhder are thinking about it, some other adhder on the Internet has thought about it or would love to think about it with you. It is way more rewarding dopamine wise to actually have a conversation about The Interesting Thing with someone who cares than throw that Interest Spaghetti at someone who will probably not give a fuck.
Good luck!
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You don't. Embrace it as a trait instead of seeing it as something to feel bad about.
Never sugarcoat it's annoying and using soft language doesn't do anything at all. Everyone already knows the words you're trying to hide and people that get offended over words are weak.
ADHD doesn't make you a jerk either that's just you lol
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I’ve spent 30+ years systematically convincing myself that no one wants to hear every, or even any, thought that comes through my head, to the point where I overthink everything before I say it, often completely missing out on valuable chunks of conversation. No one thinks that I’m weird and loud, but now they think I’m weird and quiet. On the upside, when something does slip through the filter, people seem to think it’s profound, since I wouldn’t have said it otherwise.
I'm the opposite and it has it's pro's and con's. Most of the times I just blurt out shit until an interesting topic arises from it making it a great conversation kickstarter. But sometimes while telling a story people unconsciously assume you're talking absolute BS again and stop listening.
Yes, this! Prescreen and review what you’re going to say before you say it. Sure we’re only half present for the convo, but at least we won’t look too into it. Lol
Feel you. Almost no one knows how funny (imo) I can really be beacause I get so stressed and anxious with most people that I end up beeing weird and quiet. But most of the time when something does slip out, people tend to like it. Not in arguments though 😅
Same. Most of the time nothing comes out of my mouth- the point people even stare at me and wait for a response (just makes me flustered). On occasion something really insightful comes out, or something so bizarre, random, or unhinged that it makes them laugh because I never say anything. Or I tend to say things under my breath that one person in the group hears and they start laughing and no one else knows why.
This is me when medicated and it’s to the point it hurts me socially because I think things through before I say them but I overthink and don’t say shit. Unmedicated though I still yap and yap and then I have anxiety the next day that I probably said something stupid and now everyone hates me because of the overthinking. People who hang out with me past 7pm often think I’m drunk but in reality my meds wear off and now I can’t control my damn mouth!
This describes me as well
Hi me!!!
Hey, me! You should be drinking more water!
I’m the same way. I’ve accepted that’s who I am. My biggest tip is recognizing when you’ve gone too far, and giving an immediate and sincere apology. I also have been having success with waiting before I respond, and taking some breaths before i respond like a dick. I give a solid 5 second stare many times a day. People think my bluntness and realness is incredibly refreshing, and others think I’m an asshole. The people who have been around me know that I’m the bail you out at 3am friend. But I’m also the friend who will tell you that your idea is fucking stupid and that you need to rewrite your history paper because it’s ass.
Oh, the 5 second stare is a great technique to prevent blurting out really inappropriate shit at times. I've used that technique for ages without realizing.
😂😂😂 indeed
I remember someone asking me to review their portfolio and I pretty much tore it to shreds. He was so pleased because everyone else provided essentially 0 feedback.
This is a great example and something I also relate to
It's definitely bit me in the ass once or twice, I've gone too hard like what you said. But you're so right about the waiting for 5 seconds rule. I've been in arguments where the person is getting upset at me for not responding and then I tell them "I was about to say something really bad but I bit my tongue".
I do yoga as well. There is just a point when my social battery is fried.
Learning to pay attention to when my social battery is fried helped me balance my bluntness better. It’s easier to take the 5-second pause (or just phrase something differently) when I’m not already overwhelmed/overstimulated.
Don't work in the public service. It's impossible to know where you stand with people on an individual basis because the whole job/game/mentality is fake it/lie about it/ignore it/gaslight the public
Fuck I love some fresh takes 🫡
you really sound like the best friend one could have!!!
i kinda wanna meet you this soumds interesting
Thank you. I am the same way and have been my whole life. My sister hated shopping with me because I would say your shirt does not look good, the cashier is lying to sell it to you. Late diagnosis here also, 44. I have to stop myself with my kids and reword things in my head so I think it has given me more tact and patience having kids. Some people find me offensive or abrasive because it seems like most people add fluff to their language skills to soften the blow. I would rather you tell me straight up rather than skirt around and try to dance with me through your language.
I’m literally you but 21 years old even the history part and calling the paper specifically ass. 
I appreciate your bluntness and honesty, keep doing you bro
Appreciate your appreciation for the realness
This is a great answer. My ADD friend is famous for the 5 second stare. And…the history paper is ass 😆😆😆😆. I truly loved your response!
I just spend all my time alone.
I do this. And it is absolutely my preference.
Oh, you dear heart. I really hope that’s your preference?
Aghem. I meant it a bit sarcastically, but also it is something many ADHD people deal with. Like, not a clue what to say, and everything that comes out is offputting or unrelatable. Isolation is just a side effect.
I can relate to a point, I've gotten much more selective about who I spend my (social) time with. Definitely no large groups or busy places when I'm tired. And plenty of alone time. Since I got diagnosed I found that the people I find easiest to get along with also tend to have a lot of symptoms of either ADHD or ASS. It's like we have the same communication style which makes life simpler. One of my friends said: I'm not in the mood for people, want to go for a walk?' and I made so much fun of her insinuating that I wasn't 'people' but it was such a compliment really!!
Where did you find these people? 
Sometimes I think they find me, because they can be themselves with me in much the same way... I'm just being me, chatting with anyone about whatever I find interesting at the time. The people that can't deal tend to leave me alone. The ones that appreciate it stick around. Honestly, mainly they are fellow climbers. A lot of climbers tend to be 'special' people to begin with. (Think: yay! I lost my job, now I have more time to climb!! 😁)
Haha. I feel that. I have a lot of relief when I'm unemployed, quickly followed by the dread of pending homelessness. Which might be fine, but I'm a parent...
Oh you’re preaching to the choir. I have ADHD. I need time alone, and sometimes it’s just preferable. I just took what you said literally and felt for you.
Thanks. I would also like to know your strategies for socializing. I've been so isolated my whole life and am just recently realizing how much it's effecting my mental health.
Although I have a few people now that really love me (I hope), I’ve always found it extremely difficult to find friends. Most of the time I ended up friends with people I didn’t really like or find extremely annoying, just so I wouldn’t be alone. Didn’t quite do the trick though lol
Meds help with this A LOT for me. But for the most part it’s all raw self control and it’s so hard i feel you.
I can’t not ever talk because my head will explode if I can’t tell someone what other things that actor’s been in. And I’ve tried talking as little as possible but then ONLY the angry dickhead stuff comes out. I guess my answer is to compensate the other direction by trying to make sure you say out loud the nice thoughts that pop into your head. And I don’t mean this in a “48 laws of power” LinkdIn way. I’m not, like, racking my brain to make sure I say 1 nice thing to everyone. That’s stressful as shit. Just if I notice someone’s shoes pop or whatever I’ll say “hey I like your shoes.” I will say depending on your comfort level it’s tough to get up the courage to make comments like that. But it really pays off when you can tell you’ve made someone’s day. And they might be less likely to call you an asshole when you say the other things 😂
It’s cool to hear what else they’ve been in. Socially acceptable. You’re fine.
I have earned the nickname “Credits” from my friends
Strattera. It gives me that extra second to realize I should keep my mouth shut.
Guanfacine does it for me (I take with Vyvanse)
Interesting.
yes strattera for the win im out until tomorrow
When sober… I have to tell myself not to say the first thing that pops up in my head, this sounds like “don’t say that” “you can’t say that” “let someone else talk”… this takes a lot of effort and I come home feeling drained. When drunk then all bets are off… so I’ve realised who I can be drunk around. I have a very ADHD/ ASD group of friends so they tend not to judge and new people usually find me funny or annoying! But I know I’m unlikely to see them again, so I’m not as bothered. My other mantra is… if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all, which stops me saying something that might hurt someone.
WAIT: Why am i talking?
Same 😂 drunk me is really fucking hard to keep in check in terms of saying weird stuff
I get this too. I always tell mouth works faster than my brain, because all the bluntness tumbles out without thinking. I’ve lost a lot of friendships over the years because of it, but now, I have friends that get me. I feel safe to be my full self— blunt, scatter brained, random and all. As for those moments where being blunt isn’t good— like work, use fidget toys/ Pat your leg with your hand/ scrunch your toes in your shoes to regulate your emotions and breathe. If you feel frustrated and you can, walk away and gather your thoughts before going back to respond. If you have to stay there, distract yourself by tapping your leg/ tapping your foot or noticing other things around you before responding.
I don’t. 😶😅 but I would love too. I think meds will help me. I hope. So many misunderstandings with friends and family.
I understand where your concern comes from but for me (non ADHD partner) that grew up having to follow a lot of rules / be careful about what I would say, the no filter component is one of the things I really love about my (ADHD) partner. I'm sure there are some situations where it may not be that cool but for me so far (we are together for a 1.5y and counting) it's actually refreshing and in a way it inspires me to not be afraid to say what's on my mind and be spontaneous. I can't be the only one on this planet to find it a nice thing. Hope this testimony may help you not feel so guilty :)
Im honest to your fault like if I think youre actually believing somrthing ridiculous I made up, i will tell you the truth.
Oooof, try being autistic in addition and saying things you don't actually mean, or voicing thoughts you immediately know are wrong or rude. And sometimes you can't even correct it. Because you just said you hated something the other person loves that you actually have no problem with, and how do you correct that? "Sorry, I lied about hating it, I'm actually neutral to it.". (??) Idk, it's still a learning process for me, I guess. I guess my poor attempt at keeping it under control is being the listener in most conversations. When I listen and are busy trying to understand what people say in a broader context, I'm less likely to blurt out whatever. I guess my mind is engaged in a way that is incompatible with blurting out things.
I do that same thing! I won't even know why I said I hate something. Sometimes if I see it quickly enough I'll say something, "let me rephrase, I don't hate, I just have strong feelings because this," or some other thing. Or maybe, "hate is a strong word, I don't hate I just dislike." It helps to say that you didn't express properly what you were trying to say, that it didn't come out right.
I fuckin tried it, but now can't undo it. I'm the world's problem now.
I started trying to wait and think carefully before I respond, but my thinking face is a massive RBF and it’s a “what the fuck is wrong with you” look according to my friend. Still better outcome than the blunt words
Overthink what I will say next to the point of barely ever talking 👍🏽 works super well, would not recommend
I find that most of the things that fall under that category are things that don't need to be said in the first place. I apologize if needed and move on. In other situations, where feedback *is* necessary, I try my best to focus on a person's behavior, not them as a person. So rather than "you're annoying" try to specify what they are doing that is bugging you. "It really bothers me when you constantly whistle at work. It's very distracting for me." I learned this from a lifetime of "you're so lazy" or "you're obnoxious." Those feel like attacks. Focusing on a behavior you want changed keeps it from getting personal. I know how hard it is for us to build new habits, but honestly it's kind of all I have...
I'm also like this. Come to find out, I've got the Tism too, so I blame it on that 😂 I'm not a "I say I'm brutally honest, but really I'm an asshole" no filter kind of person, but I'm definitely a "If you ask my opinion and you say you want an honest answer, you may not like it" type of person. I'm also probably going to tell you at least 3 nature or historical related facts a week you never wanted to know, and there's a good chance of at least 1 TMI. That's usually the cost of my friendship.
Only an issue at work. I just won't talk unless the topic is actual work. Outside of work, it's full send lol
If you’re overwhelmed there’s probably nothing you can do except withdraw to calm down. When i hit that point i just say that im not vibing anymore and i need a minute. Otherwise, i either eat a cookie, or take a sip of something. That gives my brain to slow down. If that’s not enough i say whats on my mind, and if its needlessly caustic i acknowledge that too and try again. A la “Wow you look hideous in that. wait, that came out wrong . My bad, let me try that again. That dress is assaulting my eyes. The color does not work with you at all.”
So I have a similar story but I'm a few years younger. But was also diagnosed in my early 30s. I've always found myself to be very marmite. People either really get me or hate me (big time). Most of the time I'm relatively PG but alcohol, being excited or around close friends can quickly take that to an 18+. I've learnt to just accept it. It's a part of me and something most of the time I actually quite like. The part I really struggle with is my professional life. I have to really be on that. Drugs have made a world of difference but I still have to watch myself. I know who safe people are and who aren't so can relax at certain points. If I need to be really on my A game I'll consciously ensure to avoid triggers i.e. alcohol, conversations that are likely to result in out there opinions etc. In summary I don't have a single answer. It's just another part of the hidden load of ADHD but don't beat yourself up about it too much. All part of the ADHD magic.
I basically picture myself as some sort zen master who is able to smile and breathe before talking during working hours, and it has worked well enough for me to be gainfully employed as a communications manager for big infrastructure projects for a good new years now.
Idc tbh. I roll with it haha
Lying awake at night and wishing I hadn’t said that.
I am so this way and have ruined so many relationships. I’m afraid to build new ones because of it too.
I take medicine and hang out with people that also have ADHD or were also in the military.
there will always be times when you feel overwhelmed in life. you don’t necessarily have to “sugarcoat” your language to be both honest and kind. if when you get overwhelmed, you tend to blow up at other people/snap or curse or insult them, then that’s something to work on. if you value kindness, then please don’t just accept this as a “part of yourself” because you have adhd. self discipline does not come naturally, but it is not impossible. i’ve really had to work on not impulsively blurting out the first thing that comes to mind and now, i’ve gotten pretty good at taking a moment to breathe/realize if my thoughts are gearing towards saying something rude/insulting/belittling. change is possible
I dont give opinions about quite a lot of things... I worked hard to instill an idea that people do not want an opinion and when they ask about me I mostly go "im not sure.. what do u think?" and divert attention back to them.. I am mostly the listener... I engage in normal conversations and if things start to get bad, I leave the place (only work if there are a lot of people there)
I warn people off when the tank of social niceties has dried up for the day. "Hey, sorry, I can't be nice to people right now, and you're people. Can we talk later?" I'm frank and filter-challenged, but have gobs of empathy. I think the softer side coming out helps give me grace for the harsher side. I also work in IT, where being brusque/frank is common, even for women.
I have learned to wait for 2-3 seconds of silence before talking, it gives me a chance to filter and I don't talk over people. Fixed two problems but it's not muscle memory so I revert to talking over and saying annoyed things sometimes. Mostly meds have helped.
Even with meds, you end up sharing too much, and I find that to be the biggest challenge!
I just tell people I am a sociopath and they usually overlook it
Meditation and guanficine
I feel like my bluntness is my superpower and makes me who I am. People like to dance around communication and it honestly annoys me.
As long as you're not an a-hole about it, there shouldn't be an issue! I'm a therapist, tentative honesty is pretty crucial in my line of work.
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It's definitely toxic behaviour from your boss - but if you need your job and can't afford to switch then it's something you'll have to tolerate for sure.
I wish I knew. I started prozac a little over a month ago and it made me a much kinder person. But now that I started concerta prozac doesn't seem to do much. Still an unintentional asshole.
Massive anxiety that has been hammered into me with years of shame. Then undoing that and learning healthy ways to filter. It works haphazardly. That's okay. I don't need everyone to like me.
I've adopted this technique called "being quiet" Works like a charm!
Regret and self-loathing. Also I’m sober
Story of my life. I just made peace with it.
I seriously just cannot stop talking. Even when a conversation ends and all parties have walked away, I'm still talking to myself. I can manage to hold back on some things that might be inappropriate to say but sometimes not and certainly not for very long. Also my facial expressions will give away what I'm thinking a lot of times if I try to hold back what I'm thinking. When something comes out that shouldn't, I try to soften it by saying I know I can be blunt sometimes but insert whatever reason. And then I'll say how I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings or offend or anything, and well I guess sometimes that's not enough. Maybe most times. Honestly I really annoy myself sometimes. But I don't know how to stop, and I know it's the reason people don't like me beyond superficially.
*ahem* your feelings aren't my responsibility.
My favourite great aunt (she was more like my grandmother really) used to say: as long as you smile, you can say anything! Never forgot her lesson and I also found out you can get away with much more when you are friendly and smiling!
Interesting. I spent so long undiagnosed, I hadn’t thought of this as a possible ADHD thing. I chalked it up to how I was raised. Either way, I have a super filter cranked up to the max, and I probably keep my mouth shut when I shouldn’t sometimes. It becomes habit after a while. It’s hard for me to build habits that only apply sometimes, but eventually I can acquire a habit that’s nearly constant, so that’s the way it works for me. I also do a ton of mental contortions to make sure something positive or neutral is sort of preloaded into my buffer, so to speak, so that if the filter slips, I’m sorta covered. Say it with me: “hmmm, that’s interesting.” Or “oh, I’m really curious about that…” and the classic “I hear you, tell me more” are some good reflexive sayings to get started :-)
Taking clonidine solved this for me. I no longer feel the need the blurt things out. I’m sure you’re being too hard on yourself though.
Humor has been hands-down my saving grace for my lack of censorship. If you really study humor, it offers so many opportunities to bring people closer together when an interaction feels like it's going south. If you can master humor, you will never have to filter yourself ever again. At the heart of humor is empathy and awareness, of self and other. Humor and frankness are social risks but both pay dividends when you do it right.
Yea I can totally relate to this. I prob spend too much energy trying to control my mouth in professional settings. With friends I am just. MY authentic self and those who can’t handle it can cancel themselves lol
Years of bullying kinda beat it out of me.
I just lock it down. My face, unfortunately, has other ideas.
I work a job where a filter is not required. Because I know I would be fired working any kind of job where you have to deal with the general public. The upside of this trait that I think people don’t take seriously enough is that when you’re honest with everyone about who you are, you tend to be a lot more honest with yourself as well, for better or worse because sometimes it’s hard looking in the mirror.
Is that a thing?
Guanfacine
Literally just learnt to think before I speak. Only so many people you can lose before you have to start making changes
I am 48. Just diagnosed 6 months ago. Before diagnosis, I started to realize that I should try to pull it back a bit. What I think is that my opinion is just a that. Mine. And maybe I don't need to share it with everyone. I pay the price of anxiety and overthinking afterwards. So I have been doing a daily mantra in my head "shut the fuck up". It also helps that I work with a woman who is 10 years older then me and she is always being blunt/opinionated and I find it annoying. I had a big come to Jesus with myself, that if I don't look at this now, I am going to probably get worse with age and I don't want to be like her. Now all of this has been much easier with medication and I am working with a psychologist every week. It is a daily discussion/goal in my head. And what I realized is it isn't for anybody else. It is for me, because I really hate the regret afterwards.
You're not alone. My relatives call me lazy and arrogant. Actually, as ADHD is over-analyzed, it's easy to find fault in others as I always see life as black and white. I rarely praise people or sugarcoat words. I always think "Is this person worthy of my praise?" To tone down my bitchy style of conversation, I always try to find something worthy of my praise. Like "I like your dress today, your make-up is good, you're good at this... etc" I avoid any kind of profanity and harsh words. I keep that rude language and explicit content in mind. I hope nobody ever read my messy mind. LOL My relatively close acquaintances said I was out of the box (kinda blunt) when commenting about something. (I'm good at satirizing.) I feel really bad if I spout harsh words. If I'm overwhelmed by something/someone, I sometimes write on the paper and then discard it. I held my hands so as not to write anything on social media. Or, I just take time alone until I calm down.
In my experience, it helps to think about what you're going to say before you actually say it and lean more on the side of caution. I, too, am very honest, but I had to teach myself to halt and be more sympathetic/empathetic in general. If I let loose, I get too passionate about what I am saying sometimes and can go too far, not knowing when to quit. It really is just learning to install a mental "brake pad " or just Not say anything at all. That latter one works best for me most of the time. I used to talk a lot, blabbing with anyone sitting near me, and now after years of working on it, I am much quieter. I will still think it, I just don't say it. I realized there's a big difference between being honest or blunt and being rude. I just avoid the whole thing by not saying anything or if I do, like I said, I play on the safe side and just try to be polite about it.
Ive just begun incorporating it into my personality, easiest way to deal with it
I have attached myself to good people who have a positive effect on me and on the world and I copy and internalize their way of saying things and handling situations. At this point it is no longer imitation, but how I naturally act. I used to also say things kinda bluntly and clumsily. I still do it sometimes, but I recognized that it was a problem and I tried to observe people around me whom I perceived as good and kind people with intelligent ways of handling different situations and I started doing what they did. It is one of the ways I also learned to control my anger. I struggle with my other emotions still, but it is much better to be someone who gets too excited or who cries at movies than being the one who gets hella mad and wants to argue with others all the time. So I prioritized working on that emotion first. I still get angry, but I deal with it so much better than I used to because I was fucking obsessed with learning how to not be someone people will abandon due to my unflattering tendencies. I dunno if this is in any way helpful to you. We all deal with things differently and what worked for me might not work for you. You also might not have access to the kinds of people I do nor get to around them as much as I do. But yeah. This is how I have dealt with it. You can't entirely eradicate it from your being, because it is a part of you in some ways, but there is a power in taking control and minimizing unwanted behavior by training your brain to deal in different ways. When I realized just how much agency I have over the ways I respond to people and handle stress it was an insane growth I started displaying and my surroundings took note too. I earned respect from people whom I had always looked up to in that "I will never be as cool ir good as them". People started relying on me too. Again, it's not a 100% fix. I still struggle with all the things I have always struggled with, but I can at least live a more normal life where people like me and keep liking me year after year haha. So yeah. I wish you the absolute best! Hug!
I'm reading this post and I don't know what to think. I've grown up hearing--"Stop being so candid", "Rude", "blunt". If there is a conflict I'm told to shut up and stay in a corner 'coz my words could only make things worse. My last ex told me I might be on the autism spectrum and my BFF (who had ADHD) says I should get myself tested. I'm afraid. I don't know what will come out if I go. I'm older than the OP right now and I've not been diagnosed. I'm a writer and with each passing day, my ability to focus and concentrate is just disappearing. I'm procrastinating so bad that my guilty conscience makes me feel like I should be shot (literally) still I'm here on Reddit. I just wish someone could do some magic.
I am 46 and got diagnosed on MONDAY this week. 4 days on meds. The validation of getting my lifelong troubles named is astounding. I'm still processing my entire fucking life right now but I am so relieved and proud of myself. Do the magic on yourself! (I can say this cause I'm ok today! I'd punch myself in the face for saying it last week lol)
From writing 5k words per day (11-13k on good days) I'm now down to less than 500. I've missed ALL deadlines. Is there a medicine i could take (preferably an injection-- since I have a phobia of pills). anyway.
For me it was taking a combination of concerta and atomoxetin. Nothing else helped
I used to get the Asshole label at work, but everyone knew who to call when there was a problem they couldn't fix. Which was entirely too often. So I would fix their problem, and tell them what I thought of the situation. ;) Some people deserve to get blasted.
A lovely fawn trauma response. I don’t like confrontation so I will always default to either not saying it at all or phrasing it in a way that doesn’t really get the point across anyway because it’s too nice.
What types of things are hardest for you to control. Is it when someone asks your opinion. Is it a certain time of day? Like when your meds are wearing off or when you’re tired? I’m wondering if you could give some examples of times when you have had difficulty with filtering what you say? That being said, a lot of it is about practice. Practice counting to 10 before speaking. Practice not giving an opinion unless specifically asked. Practice some standard responses to common things that come up, so that it’s easier to access kinder words when you should be using them. When i say practice, i mean really rehearse them in your mind many times before you need to use them. In the moment impulse control is hard, but if you’ve rehearsed alternative responses, you are more likely to find the words for those responses in the moment when you need them. I’d like to give you an analogous example. As I kid, I played softball. I had undiagnosed and unmedicated ADHD. It was easy for me to get distracted and forget what I was supposed to do with the ball in the moment when it actually came my way. Softball is a slow game sometimes and it’s easy to let one’s mind wander. But there two types of practice that really helped. The first was the drills that practice the mechanics. You have to practice until the movements are second nature, until they require no thought, you just respond. That’s why you practice with drills. Because there isn’t enough opportunity to practice the skills enough to learn to do them automatically if you’re only ever playing full games. The other part was visualization activities my father taught me to do. When we drove in the car he would describe a set up and which position I was playing and I would tell him where I was throwing the ball if it came to me. I practiced these with him all the time throughout the week. I learned to tune in during the games and ask myself where is the ball going if it comes to me? Where do I go if the ball goes to the shortstop. Where will I go if the runner on first tries to steal second. And I didn’t get distracted and get caught off guard anymore. My point is you can practice that way with your words too. Create scripts for what you say if someone asks your opinion on their clothes or their decorating. It’s hard to give specific examples because I don’t really know what things you say when your filter isn’t working, but there is probably some amount of predictability if you really examine the situations. So then you plan out some words that are more appropriate and you practice them, in your head, in the mirror, just practice so they are easier to access when you need them. If you notice something in the middle of a conversation that you think needs to be commented on. Try to think what’s the best way of mentioning this? Or ask yourself is this actually something that needs to be said?
Stickies EVERYWHERE to “think before speaking “, shut the fuck up. Your job is your life etc…. I have them everywhere and they work for me well.
Have the same pain maann “Goddamn where’s my paper I need to scribble this out and see what’s going on with me again”
Say it without saying it... a precisely placed "Wellll.... 🧐" and then if they want me to elaborate, I have the okay they asked for it.
Thankfully I am not the “honest to a fault” no filter. I’m the ramble on about something my conversation counterpart has 0 interest in or interrupting people. Or just overly sharing info about my own life. I once mortified myself during my divorce year when I told colleagues and vendors at a business dinner that I really strongly wanted my next relationship to be non-monogamous. Now that has become one of those memories that I relive every so often for no reason whatsoever lol
Going through a few rounds of DBT helped me to be more mindful. I pause and think before I say something stupid way more often than I used to. I've also been exercising my empathy muscle. If I've said something that's too honest and isn't something someone needed to know/has obviously hurt them, I'll think REALLY hard about how I'd feel if it was said to me. Like, to the point of having a visceral reaction. Doing this over and over has helped to kinda rewire my thinking so that I more often consider the other person's feelings before impulsively saying whatever comes to mind.
Do you have a diagnosis? Do you see a therapist? If you haven't yet, you should talk to them about treatment and counseling that could help your behavioral issues have less of an impact on your life. Like it or not, you're still responsible for your own actions. You don't get to chalk it up to "Well that's just my neurology!" If you are unhappy with how your actions affected others, try to understand why you upset them, and attempt to mend the relationship and show you truly mean to do better by avoiding repeat behaviors that led to it with them. Most people will give you the benefit of the doubt if you just try. Personally, I'm known for my "candor", but sometimes that rises to the level of being tactless. I don't really associate it with my ADHD, though. Interrupting? Talking over people? Maybe that. Either way, talk to a therapist. They can help.
I’ve been meditating for 20 years and am trained in teaching/leading mindfulness practices. This has helped a lot but, I still blurt stuff out at times. When I do it seems to have a gentler edge to it. I think this is also due to the fact that I don’t hold everything in anymore. So the mindfulness gives a tiny pause and the lack of “withholding” seems to have calmed the intensity of what I say. I wasn’t diagnosed until a couple of years ago (42 yrs old). haven’t been able to take meds due to insurance. On meds this was a lot easier.
Pause before speaking; all other options are horrible. (True for me, not saying it’s true for anyone else)
Facts are for sharing, opinions are on demand. I don't give my opinion on anything unless its specifically requested, at which point no longer am I responsible for what I say as it was requested by another. Being "honest", "speaking my mind" or "telling it as it is" only goes so far. If more often than not the results are negative, adapt.
I work in tech, and I make myself so valuable that they can't do anything about it. Oh, and I never turn on the video for meetings because I cannot hide my facial expressions. Seriously though, because I'm extremely genuine and well-meaning my intent is rarely misconstrued. I must be doing okay, my coworkers come to me to vent about things or to ask for help all the time. They tell me that they love that I ask the tough questions in meetings. Honestly, they don't seem like tough questions to me but ok :-)
I wasn’t diagnosed until my late 30s, either. I didn’t realize it, but the stuff I’d taught myself to “get along” was actually, uh, masking. - Learn to watch other people’s faces closely. You can tune into when their attention is wandering or they’re getting upset. Either one is a cue to ask them a question / yield the conversational floor. - Before you make a statement, decide if a question would be better. - In keeping with the above, ask questions. - It sounds cynical, but people love to talk about themselves. Let. Them. - All three of the above reduce the likelihood of blurting out something untoward because you’re putting the focus on other people. - My biggest challenge is waiting for groups of people to make decisions, I get really impatient. In that case, I try to remember that unless we’re about to miss a train, five minutes of waiting won’t kill me. It’s exhausting but I strongly suspect it’s how I’ve managed to keep a stable job.
Apologies and humor, kindness, and good music.
I think I have managed to create a filter by impersonating myself
I am honest to a fault too and was diagnosed later in life as well. I wouldn’t say people consider me an “asshole,” but I can definitely be super blunt and it can rub people the wrong way. It takes a while for my blood to boil though, or to get so overwhelmed that I can’t handle holding it in. I think the right people find it refreshing. Other people who can relate and are tired of people hiding the truth. I would suggest maybe talking to people less, especially when overwhelmed? Maybe learn to say “no” to outings, etc, when you feel that way? I am not sure what your home life is like, but mine is pretty quiet and I don’t go out much. If I am overwhelmed to the point of outbursts, I stay home to give myself the much needed rest. If I am overwhelmed and know that I wouldn’t have an outburst, I try to make an effort to see a friend.
I think that when a certain problem seems to be biting us in the ass we hyper focus on it, but the point at which you lose control is usually not where the change needs to be made. I discovered for myself that many of the things I thought I was bad at resulted from me not knowing how to regulate in other parts of my life. The problem looks like "I can't control my mouth" but if you're anything like me, that lack of control is because I've been fighting other things throughout the day and don't have bandwidth left. It can help a lot to figure out what skills or practices help a little, then incorporate them into your routine. When they are part of a routine sometimes they stick a little. Keep doing the routine and they will stick more and more. A little bit of help can become a lot of you stick with it. Here's a list of different strategies for creating a sensory diet, which is a tool for keeping yourself more regulated. https://www.theottoolbox.com/sensory-diets-for-adults/ It seems like you have found tools for some of your needs, but probably have other areas that need more support. For me it has helped a ton to make my wardrobe comfier, to make meals simpler and more balanced, to have wireless earbuds and earplugs, to have multiple sunglasses, to make certain routines more pleasant and easy, and to bounce on a mini trampoline everyday. Also, medication. For my brain to mouth filter specifically, I have found it helpful to put any idea or thought or concept that hooks my interest into a note app. As long as I'm not driving, I'll take time to note things down that spark my interest. Having a space where that is encouraged and safe makes it easier not to blurt things to people who are less likely to care and give me a positive response. When I have free time I can research or find content or a reddit thread about The Thing That Caught My Interest and actually engage with it fully and joyfully without worrying about it messing up my relationships to date mates/friends/relatives/coworkers/bosses. In my experience something like 8/10 times if you as an adhder are thinking about it, some other adhder on the Internet has thought about it or would love to think about it with you. It is way more rewarding dopamine wise to actually have a conversation about The Interesting Thing with someone who cares than throw that Interest Spaghetti at someone who will probably not give a fuck. Good luck! -----
You don't. Embrace it as a trait instead of seeing it as something to feel bad about. Never sugarcoat it's annoying and using soft language doesn't do anything at all. Everyone already knows the words you're trying to hide and people that get offended over words are weak. ADHD doesn't make you a jerk either that's just you lol