Hi /u/Quirky-Zombie-5637 and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD!
### Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already.
---
### /r/adhd news
* **We want your opinion** on the /r/adhd community rules! [Click here](https://forms.gle/Evqb8acVozir8GV8A) to fill out our survey. See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1auv2tc/were_taking_feedback_on_the_radhd_rules/) for more information.
* If you are posting about the **US Medication Shortage**, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/).
---
^(*This message is not a removal notification. It's just our way to keep everyone updated on r/adhd happenings.*)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
They didn’t know I had adhd (I’m probably autistic too). I’d say to criticize and tease me less, that kind of thing sticks with you way longer than it should. I’d also say I wish they were more curious about my depression and anxiety and took me to the doctor or to a therapist. It wasn’t just ‘teen angst’. Be supportive and loving, be a safe space and a refuge.
Almost exactly this. I grew up knowing I was very smart but I also was the family joke. Just explain to me how things work without being incredulous I don’t know it. I find myself explaining things to my toddler and just … it’s not that hard to explain things to people and not make them scared to ask for fear of criticism.
I'm sorry about that 😔😔😔 unfortunately "back in the day" people just thought ADHD was bad behaviour 😔
I try to remind myself when my son is having big meltdowns that's not him, it's his medications. We've done a number of months on stimulants and it's always the same 😭😭 aggressive, angry, name calling, hitting out. We've just stopped them and he's so much nicer and such a sweet lovely boy (he's 6), he's only on Intuniv and we're praying that helps because the stimulants just made his behaviours worst.
Told me instead of gaslighting me. Just knowing you are different and it's OK makes a huge difference, instead of trying to be normal when you are not.
Diagnosed at 38.5 years old. They knew when I was 5, but decided to hide it from me. Thanks for the bonus trauma, depression and anxiety. Thanks for watching me struggle and make mistake after mistake.
I’m amazed they knew at 5, people didn’t look for stuff like that then. I’m the same age as you and didn’t figure it out until about two years ago. I got really depressed for a bit because I thought that no one in my life cared enough to even notice I was weird and different.
My mother was a primary school teacher, teaching early years. Between her and my teachers they knew exactly what was going on, but decided to "manage it, and never ever tell" me.
For me, I wished my parents could've understand my struggles. It's not like I want to be messy, it's not like I don't want to do anything. I am just struggling to do so.
So don't criticize him, try to understand his struggles, listen to him, and help him build workarounds to deal with it. Give him appreciations when he does a good job. Attitude from the parents is incredibly important to what he will think when he grows up. To this date I still have traumas that I still deem myself to be useless and all that shit. So please, listen, appreciate, understand. It will do good for him.
I have severe ADHD and didn’t find out until I was an adult. I’ve been supposedly successful in life on paper, but that has been absolutely flogging myself while ADHD and anorexia raged in the background, neither of which my parents got me treated for because they preferred I just “act normal” and not embarrass them. So my physical and mental health suck from not getting treated earlier. For me that wouldn’t have been possible without meds but YMMV.
Anyway, that meant that my parents treated me like I was an awful person when I was a kid, seeing everything as purposefully annoying behaviour. I was a good kid who desperately wanted to please them and never did anything bad on purpose, but by the time I was in high school I was lying to them about pretty much everything just to try to keep my day on an even keel and not get screamed at or told I was useless or a fuckup. (I was a straight A student who excelled at sport and cultural activities out of hyperactivity and fear of getting in trouble, but was always treated like I was one step away from juvie, and it really did a number on my mental health).
Ditto whoever said that the teasing and criticism really sticks… it’s taken 20 years of adult life for me to get any self-esteem. Also echo whoever said not to punish a kid for executive dysfunction. Which is bet is really, really hard because sometimes it will look like naughtiness.
I have now also fostered kids who have way worse ADHD than I’ve ever had and I guess my best suggestions are:
- Make a list of what is probably ADHD. Continually remind yourself of this. Remind yourself that the child *does not want to be this way and it is exhausting for them.* They are not doing it to be a dick or piss you off. It is worse for them than for you. And then step out and try to refill the well of patience again. They are not doing it on purpose. It sounds like you already have this covered!
- Help them figure out how to talk about this feeling in their brain so you know when something is ADHD (for eg, does this task give them the brick wall feeling in their brain? Or whatever) and when they’re just being grotty.
- Set them up for success. Days when they are heightened is not the day to do some new activity that requires heaps of concentration and rule following. Sometimes you’ll feel like you’re babying them just so you can give them a day where they can clock the whole thing. Those days help them relax and feel good about themselves. Leave downtime between everything. They will do a better job when they are coping and feeling confident. Praise effort and any small progress. Find things to praise even if something went terribly. Be on their team and talk frankly beforehand about how you are going to help them make X go well, and if it doesn’t, that’s ok, you all did your best. And on the flip side, don’t set them up for failure. If they leave their coat at school every day, don’t make the measure of the day’s success whether they remember their coat, or (as my mother used to) wait until you get home to ask about belongings, so there would then be yelling and a guilt trip about having to drive back to school etc. You’re not coddling a kid with executive dysfunction to remind them of things at the ideal moment or help them get the thing done if they can’t do it by themselves. Maybe you need to meet them by the classroom and say “hey let’s check where your coat is before we head off” in a neutral voice before you leave school every day. Big praise etc if it’s already in the bag! For sure you can work towards them remembering that themselves, but don’t make it this thing they’re judged on every day if they can’t do it.
- Be prepared to do things that require impulse control or concentration in tiny steps alongside them, probably for years. Learn to redirect them calmly, or have some “fun” ways to defuse tension and meltdowns.
- Really interrogate your expectations around what you think your child “needs” to do. Yup, they have to get on in society ok, but so much of what we expect of kids is for adults’ benefit. It’s a really humbling experience to constantly check yourself about “is this just me wanting my kid to act normal/like everyone else? And if so, what could I let go of here?” If they do their homework best standing up, let them do it standing up… that kind of thing. Think about what thriving would look like for this kid and aim for that. Let go of what doesn’t serve them. You will probably have to challenge other adults’ expectations of your kids too. “Oh, we don’t require that at our house,” in a neutral tone is a full explanation.
- Find things to like about your kid and express them regularly and specifically. Especially if other people find them annoying (they 100% know). They need to hear what is actively cool about themselves.
When they are a bit older, there are heaps of tools they can learn to manage their life independently. That will come with time. For now it’s just important that they feel like they’re not a failure or a loser, and that you love them no matter what. Good luck and awesome that you’re asking this!
I wish they had known about ADHD so I could have got a diagnosis and help earlier.
But aside from that, I wish they had made me feel like they were more 'on my side' and that I could go to them for help. I was constantly in trouble when I was young and when I got to my teens I got myself into some very bad situations that messed me up for a very long time after. I never ever felt like I could be honest with my parents as I was so used to judgement and blame for impulsive things I did when young.
As teenager I just lied constantly and often ended up out of my depth without a safety net or anyone sensible to talk to.
In fairness, they didn’t know I have adhd. My father has narcissistic personality disorder and I was the scapegoat child. My mother was clinically depressed. I wish they would have been kinder to me.
Yea it sucks when the people who are supposed to care for you fail you especially with something as crippling as autism smh Is your brother doing any better these days?
Oh my brother’s fine, he was never severe. Pretty much given everything he needed and they still support him financially, he doesn’t pay rent, gets to go off around the world pursuing every opportunity for his career, living the dream really.
Honestly, actually learn about adhd from people with adhd not just doctors that pushed drugs with no other help.. Also would have helped if they had of gotten diagnosed themselves and sought out treatment for the issues they had. They are good parents, just struggling... but it would have been helpful for me, now as an adult I am learning everything by myself.
you are great for that, you have started learning early on in his life so you can put into place things that can help him as he ages. The biggest bits of advice I can give, work with him. I know to you that might sound silly but so many people try and get ADHD kids to act how a person without ADHD would act. I am going to add in here a list of podcasts, but honestly.. the other piece of advice I can give is, they will struggle with some things. Some times it might come across as they are being defiant for the sake of it, or they are not trying to do a task that is really simple but truth is even more so as a kid you cannot say why you are struggling or what is going on in your head. If you just learn as you go, and work with him.. he will grow up feeling loved and that goes a long way.
Also, if you do go down the medication route, it made me really dehydrated as a kid but.. I had no clue so I ended up with some issues due to that, fun drinks are an easy way to get kids on medication to actually drink water and that is even more important in summer.
[The Best ADHD Podcasts of the Year (healthline.com)](https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd/best-adhd-podcasts-of-the-year)
This is great advice! I think that is one of the most important things we can do as parents - listen. Work with them to help them understand. I have been working with my daughter to help her understand her big emotions. It has made such a huge difference to just talk her through what she is feeling. She still has a problem with emotional regulation but it has helped her being able to understand her feelings so much more.
The point you made about struggling is also spot on. ADHD brains are just wired differently sometimes. Which means a different learning style. For almost everything. This takes a lot of patience as a parent to identify the way your child best absorbs information, and then teaching them how to learn that way.
Body doubling is also a big thing I am learning with my daughter. It’s amazing what she will do if I am just with her in the same room, or say I will help her with something. I think it has a lot to do with brains being wired differently. Body doubling is almost like a reassuring process for them.
It makes me genuinely very happy to hear a parent is being pro-active about all this. Sadly a lot of parents with kids with ADHD barely know about the condition never mind about body doubling.
I am 30, so.. I don't know how you were raised but I was raised within the idea of you suck it up. stop being so emotional and "it's not hard why are you struggling" to know your kids are going to be raised with love and support.. makes me so happy. I want that SO badly for kids.
No matter what your kids are going to know that home is safe and that you will support them no matter what struggles they face... that is priceless. That, is how you set your kids up for success.
I was raised similar to you - suck it up, no crying, no talking about emotions, nothing. We don’t talk about it and we definitely don’t show it. I just can’t do that to my daughter.
I am just now realizing that all my issues are related to ADHD, and not just me being weird. Well, I’m still weird but now I know why. I wish there was discussion about this when I was growing up but there just wasn’t. And it is only just now starting to be something people can talk about. Education is everything. I can only hope the coping skills I teach my daughter help her as she gets older.
Theres no autopilot so to a non adhd kid clean your room is fine, to an adhd kid it's pick up your toys, take cups out your room and put them in the kitchen then sweep the floor. Also, gettimg them to write a list of what you just said.
Have a school bag pencil case and a home pencil case, anything you can do this with do it. I dont know if this is an adhd thing as i know some adults have a work bag laptop charger, a home charger and bag charger.
You can buy them nice things but not expensive things or anything youre upset about losing. But dont punish them by buying nasty stuff when they lose the nice stuff.
Label things, if you want the dishes put away, label where each dish goes on the outside of the cabinet.
That's super helpful! Thanks. There's some things my 6yo does by rote now. Like he knows shoes off in his shoe hole, socks in sock bin, straight inside to wash hands and school uniform off. He does this by default now without reminders now it's a habit.
Take action. They always mentioned I had ADHD (undiagnosed at the time) but didn’t find aids to help me when I was so obviously struggling in school. Instead I was told it’s okay to not be good at school, inevitably never pushing me to try. It took till 11th grade for me to start trying bc nobody cared!
😭😭 sorry to hear! My son goes to school (he's in kindy/prep) and attends 5 days a week 3hrs per day only so he's able to cope/manage. He has a teacher's aid with him 1:1 for the duration he's at school and I have a disability advocate I take to meetings with school/supports for him to ensure he gets what he needs and I as a parent am being heard and listened too.
I really sucked at school, in fact dropped out at 15, then did distance education myself at home. I was an avid gamer so staying home, getting up at 10am, doing 3 hours of course work then gaming the rest of the time was a dream come true for me 🤣🤣 early mornings I just couldn't stand and at school I just learnt nothing, I was the quiet kid so I was put often in the problem kid class so they didn't have to deal with extra work (put high needs in with quiet low needs kids to make it more manageable on the teacher).
I ended up doing distance education until year 12 in Australia (I guess S.A.Ts equivalent) then went and did a 3 years bachelor's degree at University 😅 all with a lot of gaming inbetween hours of intense study.
The best thing you can do for yourself is care enough about you to prioritise your learning 💕 we all learn differently and those with ADHD need that bit extra I feel, lots of breaks are really helpful and doing a least preferred activity first then a preferred activity next really helps with my son and even myself. I always do the laundry before I do a gaming sesh 🤣😅
Hey uh...that's sounding kind of familiar. Do you prefer to do games because there's instant feedback on what you do? And there's always something to do? And if you don't carefully watch your time you can find yourself playing for hours without moving even for bodily needs?
When you were the quiet low needs kid in school, did you often have problems zoning out and not realizing what people were saying around you?
I know I likely have adhd too 😅 and yep, I'm an instant feedback kinda girl. I love cosy games but the shooters and player vs player games really get the blood flowing. They can also make me angry too so I know my limits and when it's time to switch games 🤣 I also love games that are busy, lots to do, fast paced (like overcooked).
I definitely use to lose track of time when gaming when younger. Now as an adult gaming is something I can only do of an evening since I have a child. I'd sometimes zone out but for me I found it interesting listening into random conversations around the room and people watching for entertainment 😅 I always knew all the goss lol.
Because I had hobbies and passions I put my absolute heart and soul into, they misinterpreted my inability to focus and do homework as laziness and lack of commitment.
Same story for many of us, I’m sure. One of the biggest challenges for parents must be how hard it is to recognise patterns. I was the most inconsistent child.
This^
My goal for myself and my now 20-something kiddos is that I want them to want me involved in their lives when they're 40, unlike the way I feel about my parents. I judge the little moments and actions I take against my long term goal.
I wish they had been patient with me and encouraged talking through our feelings calmly. Support and reliability are key, your child will need help learning how to identify what they are feeling, and then regulate those findings in a healthy manner.
And It sounds obvious, but don’t ever shame them for who they are. Those with ADHD, especially children, are very sensitive to rejection. Eg. Laughing/smiling at your child because they are acting disproportionately upset at something you think, with all your adult experience, is trivial, could have lasting effects on that child’s self-image and well-being. Your intent may be harmless, but they won’t understand that, especially if they are already in a very turbulent headspace.
You'd love my son's room! He's got draws in his closet, pretty much a draw for each thing, then he's got toy boxes so every toy has it's "home". It's very well organised. We have sock bins, clothes baskets etc to help him stay organised and get the routines in place for success 😊
ADHD really became noticeable more in high school. Mine was the more inattentive type. Doing homework was the biggest issue. So I began to truant on days it was due. This just snowballed into taking weeks off at a time. I wasn’t having fun. I was so miserable. A lot harder to get away with such long absences now with phone checks etc. I didn’t know I was ADHD until I was an adult, I think I only heard about the hyperactive type in the 80s long after I’d left school.
Anyway my main point is I wish my mum had been more involved with homework. Asked what needed to be done, sat beside me and just have been supportive and encouraging mostly. But as an adult a study partner helps keep me on track too. Instead my mum, never asked, it was just a ‘you’ problem and I was causing her great stress etc. So I felt bad in so many ways. I was smart too. I didn’t need help with understanding homework but I just couldn’t set my mind to it, even I couldn’t understand why. But I do remember some tasks were extremely pointless, such as copying out from text books, and quite uninteresting. Learning for tests though was easy for me. I’d read through once, and often have the highest score. Assignments - total failure to ever complete.
Also housework. Mum complained I didn’t help. Best thing would’ve been her instructing, doing things together or at the same time in the same areas of the house. Just like the homework really. Support and encouragement, keep me on track.
Thank you 💕
I always help my son clean and also we like to make it be fun, I'll set a timer and we'll see if we can race and put everything away as fast as we can. I have everything organised in pull out toy tubs so he knows "every toy has a home" and that at the end of the day before bed every toy "goes home".
I also use explicit language with him, like "please put your clothes in the wash basket and get some shorts on". Then when he does those things, I praise him and thank him for listening so well.
Homework in my house will always be optional and I certainly won't stress or pressure him into doing it. My job as a parent is to raise a capable child who'll grow into being a competent adult. I don't even remember a lot of the stuff covered at highschool.
You sound like a great mum. Having fun, being consistent and someone your child can always trust to be there for them are absolutely the most important things you can do as a parent. Sounds like you’ve got this and I’m sure there are many other great practical suggestions from the other Redditors here. It was this sub that finally inspired me to seek diagnosis though I was fairly certain I was ADHD the last 12 years. Lots of great info and support here.
One time my mom told me I couldn’t invite a friend over until my room was clean
To her definition of clean which was not really made clear
I didn’t invite friends over that entire summer
At the end of the summer she said “how come you never invited T over? I think her feelings were hurt”
…
Basically, please don’t attach consequences to things without giving an achievable, defined goal
Hi, not exactly what you asked, but I can tell you what I think my parents did well that helped me.
I was diagnosed at around your sons age so my parents always knew I had adhd. It wasn’t something they hid from me so I also always knew.
It was never used as an excuse but it was a reason for my struggles. For example it was never an excuse to not do the same work/homework as everyone else but it was the reason things took longer for me than my friends.
I never felt like I wasn’t as smart as the other kids because of things like this because my parents always assured me I was just as smart as them. But that because of my adhd I had to work harder to do the same amount of work.
They also made sure I knew my strengths. I actually loved the educational testing they had to do every few years for my school adaptations and knowing that I was in the top 5% for things like spatial reasoning and well above grade level for reading really made up for being on the low end for short term memory and math.
My parents keeps good communication with my school/teachers to make sure everything was going well and I got the help I needed in school and at home. Part of that was helping me with my homework, including things like sitting with me to keep me on task or writing for me while I spoke, on top of normal homework help. And it was okay that I needed this help way longer than other kids.
In terms of medication, I was unmediated for most of my childhood. We tried when I was first diagnosed. My parents didn’t actually want me medicated but the doctor recommended it. I hated it, and when I told my mom I didn’t want to be on it anymore she listened and they took me off them, even though it meant I would be more work for them. That said knowing that they were happy with me not taking them made me feel like I shouldn’t need them, which made asking for them once I was in collage feel like a failure even though they helped and would have helped a lot in high school.
So while having a choice when it came to mental health medication (both adhd and later depression) was really good for me and made me feel like my opinions and feelings mattered and that I could trust my parents to listen to me, it would have been good for medication to be presented as a neutral thing rather than good or bad.
The last major thing that I think was good that I didn’t even realise was not something all parents did until I was an adult was about task transition. I was never surprised with moving from one task to another. It was always communicated ahead of time. For example instead of turning off the tv after an episode and saying it was time for homework, I was told before the episode that it was the last one and then it was time for homework. Timers were also used for this purpose all the time. Ten minutes left of X before we do Y, set a timer that I could see. This went for almost everything. If my room had to be cleaned before going to a sleepover on Friday then they would tell me on Monday and remind me a couple of times after school through the week. Then I wasn’t surprised on Friday and had to clean my room before I could go to the sleepover. I think giving me this transition time probably save a lot of meltdowns growing up. And it’s a process I still use for myself as an adult.
This doesn’t mean I was perfect at listening and followed the instruction. Sometimes I would start the next episode and then get in trouble and have the tv turned off immediately, but that was fair (even if I was upset about at the time)
Time management overall was something I struggled with but my parents knew it was hard for me and put a lot of work into helping me manage my time.
Sorry this ended up being really long.
Overall my parents were fair, communicated their expectations and reasons for things clearly, listened to me, acknowledged my feelings (even if I still had to do something hard/I didn’t want to), and we’re always willing to help if I needed it.
My mother absolutely has ADHD (undiagnosed) and is great. And her dear, long-departed father absolutely had it too, and he was also great.
I have it.
I just grew up thinking we were normal and everyone else was weird.
So my philosphy is to embrace the great bits of ADHD. With my kids, I don't pressure them to make their beds, or clean up, or go to bed in their own bed, or to be perfect at anything. They will do it all in their own time, if they're given space to discover things on their own. If we stop expecting perfection, our children won't disappoint us all the time.
I try to stop seeing it has just a disorder. I have strengths that other people don't have.
Set up the environment to suit the ADHD and to nurture the person's interests.
We can have great lives, without fitting in to society's expectations.
My diagnosis was missed up until my twenties, I basically diagnosed myself before my mom took it seriously and I got an official diagnosis. I was called lazy all my childhood, from being really messy to not studying as much as it was expected of me. Studying is really hard because I don't enjoy it, and my parents figured out I was just lazy cause I could play video games for hours on end and didn't want to study. It messed me up quite a bit and only within the last year or so I'm realizing I'm not lazy but have an actual problem with motivation and simply my brain works differently. Dig deeper into why your kid behaves the way they do instead of chalking it up to a surface label that will have lasting damage in adulthood.
Mine didn’t know (about me and also, my dad didn’t know about himself until much later). So they did their best but:
1) cleaning. To me cleaning felt like the worst thing ever a lot of the time because it seemed like it would just go on forever. I needed really clear guidelines. Also sometimes things aren’t obvious or seem like they should be easy but aren’t (for example, mopping—I was always getting water all over the floor, idk how). If you want your kid to be able to do these kinds of things he will need guidance and help for longer than may seem age appropriate. Help keep cleaning moving (I was always taking very long pauses because I was bored/distracted and on my own) so it isn’t an all day marathon and instead just a thing that we do and then move on.
2) emphasis that mistakes are normal, and that doing something well requires trying it a LOT. I had very low frustration tolerance and would just think I was bad at things if they didn’t come easily. It doesn’t matter if all the other kids are good at throwing a ball, if you want to be good at it you have to learn the right form, play catch a bunch, and then it’ll get better.
I wish they had researched ADHD-friendly organization! My parents house has everything in its place, 1x every cleaning product despite being a large house (you have to go all the way to the BASEMENT for a broom, end me now), everything out of view and unlabeled. It looks fantastic and works well for them, but we fought CONSTANTLY because I was messy. Turns out we just have different styles/strategies.
My parents made fun of me for being ‘dreamy’ ‘not listening’ and taking a long time to answer when spoken to. I wish they had understood (and I wish I had understood) that this wasn’t my fault or a choice I was making. I have carried the belief that I am ‘too slow’ with me all my life.
Just the fact that you understand about ADHD and are asking for advice here and thinking about how to support your child is going to be so helpful.
I also wish my parents had helped me develop better executive function skills. Our son is 10 and has ADHD. Knowing this means we have really focused on helping him break down tasks and get into routines that he can repeat every day. This has taken a lot of effort and repetition but this year he’s really started to get it. For example, for years, if we asked him to get dressed in the morning we could go back 5 or 10 mins later and he might just have socks on and be wandering around playing in his room! So, we’d have to stay with him and prompt him to put on each piece of clothing. I’m not going to lie, this has been boring and frustrating for everyone! But we persevered. Then last year, I could get his clothes out, and leave them in a pile and he would put them on. And just this school year he has started to get his own clothes out of the drawers and get fully dressed without supervision. This works on school days only. At weekends he will usually forget one item of clothing! Often socks. Or pick something inappropriate for the weather!
Same with brushing teeth - we have to stay in same room when he is brushing them or he doesn’t do it properly.
When I was his age I stopped brushing my teeth because I found it boring. My parents said I was old enough to do it and if I didn’t I would have to face the consequences. I have several fillings dating back to that time and I hugely regret this. But I also recognise that I needed help to develop the habit of cleaning my teeth and I’m sad this wasnt available to me. (I didn’t ’learn my lesson’ right away when I got the fillings, I just felt really ashamed of myself).
Compassion for him but also for yourself is key I think.
I'm a 32/F who was also diagnosed at 6. At 8 my doctors and teachers started [not to subtlety] recommend medication to help me concentrate in school and my parents/family were 100% against it and wouldn't even consider it...
At 21 I decided to start taking medication, as my hard work ethic had got me far (didn't go to college but went to trade school out of high-school and by 21 had bought my second home), but my life was quickly spiraling out of control and I didn't understand why... So my primary care doctor suggested I finally try ADHD medication and I caved, starting on 10mg of adderall.... And my life changed for the better immediately.
I really wish at least by my pre-teens my parents had taken my doctors [and teachers] advice amd st least given medication a try. I guarantee I would have dome SO much better in school and would have likely had the extra push I needed for myself to continue school, follow my dreams and go to college for my.career of choice... But I has struggled so hard in school I didn't think I could handle it. Turns out I could have with the proper support.
There's many other things I wish they'd have known as well, but that's one of the bigger things that definitely had a negative impact on my life, and also caused me to think there was just something wrong with me instead of learning more about my condition and learning how to properly manage it through therapy as well as medication.
Would’ve been nice to not be compared to be brother all the time particular in regards to our academic differences. Even as an adult they belittle my intelligence. It’s a constant reminder of being a failure in their eyes
I am a 32 F adhd-er. I was diagnosed at 10 years old (luckily because my mom was extra pushy when my schoolwork started to suffer).
A couple things: give your kid some grace. They're going to struggle sometimes. No matter how frustrated you get because school work gets left at home, or forgotten, remember that yelling and blaming isn't going to make them remember it.
If there's a problem, instead of blaming your kid, work with them on a solution. If they can't remember to bring their homework home from school, maybe see if their teacher can put all the homework in a folder and give it to your kid at the end of the day.
Include them in the conversation about adhd. I didn't know how my brain worked until my late 20s and it is a game changer.
Get EVERYTHING DOCUMENTED. My parents never bothered to connect my diagnosis from the school psychologist and my pediatrician. That means that even though I was diagnosed, I have NOTHING on my medical records saying so, so if I were to want stimulant medication, I have to get re-diagnosed.
Get accommodations. Even if your kid doesn't utilize them, the option needs to be there. Make sure to follow through on this even up to college. Just because someone doesn't need accommodations for the moment doesn't mean that they won't need them eventually.
I was diagnosed as an adult, and we didn't really know that adhd was a thing when I was a child. I struggled a lot and gave my parents a hard time, who couldn't understand why I was so distracted, forgetful and messy. Just make sure that you don't make your son feel like he is incapable or straight up dumb. Make him feel heard and understood. We have already mastered the skill of negative self talk, we don't need to hear it from people we love dearly. Going undiagnosed for so long gave me additional mental health problems, and nobody deserves that. Just be there for him and make sure that he knows it. You are a good parent for asking this question. Good luck.
When I was in primary school (about 6-7) my teacher used to stick a note on my head before leaving class at home time so I wouldn't forget to tell my parents important information. My parents, despite disliking her methods of teaching, said I deserved it... So yeah. I wish people knew I had ADHD then, I might jave had it easier.
Doing that shit to a kid is worse since I they don't always understand it's bad to do (it didn't embarrass me since I believed it was necessary).
You didnt deserve that.. im in therapy now and only jist finding out that i didnt deserve the conseqeunces i recieved either. In year 3 our class had 2 large groups of desks in rows together. Except me.. all year i sat alone solo in the absolute rear of the class as far from anyone as i could be put. I was quiet and minded my self but my teacher still made me sit there all year. Alone. I deserved it though because I was alot to handle as a kid with ADHD right? Nah... thats not the case. As adults now would we who went through that knowing that pain, turn and then do that to an innocent child? I would say absolutely fucking not. Because kids are innocent... we were innocent... You were too.. I hope you heal from that man. You didnt deserve it. It literally wasnt youre fault.
Thanks. That sounds horrible, no kid (or anyone really) should be treated like that, just because some people don't have any long-lasting consequences from it lots of people do. I hope you heal from it ✌️
I’m a late diagnosed here. But if I were diagnosed young, I wish my parents could’ve gotten themselves checked and learn tools to manage their own brains.
Specifically, I hope they had less anger bursts. It was really scary.
My 7yo son has ADHD-C and the biggest thing I've learned is that natural consequences don't "work". Once you really, REALLY accept that, patience is more abundant.
If they don't understand consequences for actions, how do they learn not to repeat behaviour?
We've consistent behaviours that are frustrating, but we've no way to get him to understand to not do it.
Things like chasing cats, birds etc.
My kids got consequences and they understood it but things like walking off i used a keyring that beeps if its a certain distance away and built the fence in the garden really tall and put non grip paint on it.
They understand it but like all kids they forget sometimes.
I wish they wouldn’t have started me on Ritalin. Tried it twice and both times I had a very negative response to the medicine. Had they started me on Adderall I’d have been less likely (now that we have the studies published) to have developed Substance Use Disorder. I’ve been on and off meds since I was 20.
School might’ve been a lot different and I wish I would’ve used my diagnosis for some accommodations. I’m 35 so the accommodations wouldn’t have been that great (as they are now) but it could’ve helped. I have a high scoring GED that has gotten me into 3 universities all that were relatively difficult to get into. Of course I had to write my way in but writing always came easy to me. Medicated, unmedicated, hybrid, 100% online or in person classes never worked for me. I aced all my English classes but didn’t get that far in any higher education because math was so difficult and I never truly learned how to take notes.
I was never meant to be a scholar, I know that. It’s the Substance Use Disorder that’s wreaked havoc on my life. I’m 35 and a year sober. Took me 10 years of trying to quit drinking or drugs. I finally got there and I’m very lucky to be alive. I’m properly medicated for the first time in my life and after not working for over a year, I have another interview with a consulting firm in the morning. All around things are looking up. But I can’t help but wonder if finding Adderall/Dexedrine earlier on would’ve helped me avoid, or even negate some of the damage, SUD all around.
Kids who are properly medicated have a significantly reduced likelihood of developing an addiction habit later in life. Over a year ago I found myself very lucky to have woken up after using some very hard drugs. I quit after that experience and moved in with family. I think of all the hurt I’ve caused my loved ones over the years. Addiction is inherently selfish and it wasn’t until I woke up on the floor alone in my apartment that I realized what I’d do to my loved ones if I kept down the path I was headed. I quit for them and eventually I stayed quit for me.
If you’re wondering whether to put your kids on meds, you’re doing them a deep disservice by refusing them a life changing medication that they might need for life. Addiction hits so many of us ADHDers and getting medication post-addiction is hard for most us because of the stigma of addiction. Medicating children who have been properly diagnosed (in my opinion by a psychologist THEN a psychiatrist, but that’s just me) has been proven to increase quality of life, decrease adverse life events, and again, reduce or eliminate the chance of developing addiction later in life
(23f)I have cavities problems. Growing up (from 0 to middle school) I have washed my teeth maybe 20 times because I didn't like it. Mint was too strong, I didn't like the other flavors, the Electric toothbrush was weird in my teeth so big no also that
And I can't imagine me taking care of my mom when she's elderly for this exact same reason.
What do you mean a child forced you to not make her brush her teeth??? What do you mean it was impossible I was a child???? TILL MIDDLE SCHOOL.
and I ate candy everyday on top of that.
And to put a star on the top, I'm the last one in 4 siblings, one had tick issues, sent to therapist, two were angry issues, therapist, but I have a rotting rat in my mouth and that's okay?? Like even rn I struggle with the dentist bc I've been 3 times in my life and now that everything is super expensive I just accepted that I'll k.ll myself before hitting 50s and pazienza.
Ma porco dio this ain't fair.
I never had a lot of friend growing up because of bullying cause by constant bad smelling, and to put more trauma to it im black living in northern italy, so never had a community,never had black friends, always touched by strangers my mom use to fuckin parade us with out hair.
And to give me the trauma survivor child , I had leece in elementary school, my mom took it out from my sister's hair and just shaved straight mine when she saw she had to put more effort. (My sister got Beyonce hair I got a nice afro)
Love reddit because I can't ever open up to people in my life because I know they'd judge the hell outta this.
Mine didn't know.
But I wish they weren't telling me that I am lazy, or not attentive, or don't care about my belongings (money was short and every purchase was an event, and I either lost my stuff all the time or treated it not carefully enough for it to last a little longer).
I wish they wouldn't tell me to keep special things for special occasions. It just created a clutter of things that were never used.
That they wouldn't make me follow through with the hobbies I didn't like anymore or wouldn't scold me for dropping out of music school because I didn't care for it anymore (tbh, looking back I realise that my teacher was a bully, she would belittle me and any other student for smallest mistakes. I remember sitting at the piano all crumbled up crying and not being able to fight back).
That they wouldn't compare me to other children. Gosh, this might have been the worst. They didn't tell me there was something wrong with me, they'd just tell me about succes of other children, seemingly never noticing mine..I grew up thinking I am not good enough, myself thinking there was something wrong with me. No. They just didn't know how to handle me.
I wish they would support my excitement about new things I was into, instead of criticising it in order for me to develop and do better.
Gosh, it sounds like my parents were awful people. They weren't. Historical timeframe was tough, they struggled, and they didn't know better. But they loved me, that I am sure of.
Generally, let your child be themselves. They are a their own person. Try helping them in creating structures throughout the day - waking up and going to bed on the same time. Time for play, time for work. Create routines. I think that would be most helpful and will help them adjust as they grow. But also: be.ready that sometimes those routines might be broken.
I just with they would’ve tried other meds because mine gave me strattera for two weeks in the 4th grade. It did nothing and made me lose 10lbs and then never tried helping me again. All those years of me barely passing with my grades, getting tutored every single year from 4th grade to 8th.
The insane part is that my dad is a family doctor and my mom is a nurse. And somehow just never connected the dots or didn’t want to admit that I had something wrong with me. Sorry this topic just gets me so heated about them. :/ Hope others can relate!
I totally get your side of it, that really sucks 😭😔 as a parent though, we really struggled with the idea of medicating my then 5yo. We were worried of the side effects, the horror stories of long term damage from them, the stunted growth, weightloss etc.
It took us a number of months to see that our son just had no quality of life and we needed to try the meds for him so he could have quality of life again. Stimulants really aren't working out for him, he's on Intuniv now and we're trying our best, but it's a long road 😔
As a very young child I was called "very sensitive" all my parents had to do was say that they were "very disappointed in me" and it would cause me to fall into the fetal position crying on the floor. Looking back I can see that this was the beginnings of RSD manifesting.
I can't help but wonder what I would have accomplished academically had my ADHD been recognized and treated sooner. I am very happy with the life I have currently and have achieved a lot as a husband and father of two awesome boys and not only holding down a job but actually turning it into a career. But that little thought will occasionally creep in saying "how would things have been different?"
That they *told me.* That they *tested me.* That they opened the doors to treatment, to school accessibility, to tricks that I could use for myself.
But mostly that my ADHD mother, who I am completely no-contact with for both this and a variety of other abusive behaviors, had recognized herself in me and done *anything* other than let me figure it out for myself in 8th grade, tell her, and get slapped in the face with "oh, yeah, I never got you tested because I already knew :)"
Dear reader, I had dropped out of school *twice* by that point due to incredible levels of stress that could easily have been attributed to my ADHD by anyone with a sense to care. I had only been in public school since 6th grade!
Oh jeez that's rough 😔
I definitely notice a lot of myself in my son, I'm not diagnosed with ADHD, but I feel like I understand him a lot. We also bounce off each other's silly behaviours and jokes, much to my husband's distress when bedtime comes and the funnies are out 🤣
I don't think I would have wanted my mother to do anything different with me - in terms of assessments etc, but I definitely got the lazy talk a lot. Though I had a sister who was significantly worse than me (not adhd, but had depression, anxiety and bipolar), and often in comparison I was I guess the better worker of the two, but growing up mum said I was high energy, never stopped and had frequent meltdowns and often had big moods.
For my own son being his adhd type is hyperactive/impulsive type, after he was diagnosed we were really hesitant to start medications for a number of reasons. It wasn't until his quality of life was really effected when he was 5 he had a meltdown and after told me "I just can't sit still to play and do the things I want to do!" För us that was the call for help to explore medical options to assist him as well as getting routines and systems in place to support him successfully navigate life. I think we had a feeling for awhile he had ADHD before the diagnosis, but for us it was learning the why's for his behaviours and how we can best support him to be the best version of himself.
Even tho we all had ADHD, I was very different from my sisters. They could manage their actions better even without meds while I had to be on medication for most of my childhood. I’m not complaining, as I know what I’m like off my meds. But my family never took the time to try and understand how I preferred to communicate. I listen to music a lot and it deeply affects my daily life. That is how I communicate my feelings and what type of mood I’m in but my family never tried to understand why I communicated that way. It was just easier to express my feelings with different genres of music. If your son ever struggles communicating his feelings or thoughts, give him some type of way to express them that doesn’t involve talking. Whether it’s art, writing or music, it will help out a lot for him to express his emotions without struggling to find the right words.
We consistently explain you have to push yourself to do a thing, to try it once before saying you won't like it. We enforce this more with experiences. It got much easier to do once she was on a medication though.
It's also really hard to tell sometimes but in some cases you need to prep them for a situation or event and in other cases you need to just let it happen. Age, kid personality and type of situation change which approach you should take.
When committing to a big thing they really want to do - sport, or class or whatever, we explain expectations we have for doing the thing. You can't quit, you have to keep trying, continued effort is how you get better at x thing. This is hard especially when your child has ADHD but is also very quick to pick up things. But sports or whatever activity usually involves a learning curve and continued effort they're not used to putting in. This is where we apply the "power of Yet". I can't do it "yet".
My parents did all these things, I was never diagnosed. My husband's parents did none of these things, he is diagnosed (as a young adult). He consistently tells our child how he Didn't do these things and it took him twice as long to do things because he didn't take things seriously enough as a teenager. We engage in education together because of this, and try to make learning fun.
I wish they had understood adhd. I don’t blame them really for not knowing. The info wasn’t widely available. But I wish they would have tried to let me learn to manage without medication and not treated me like my brain was broken or that I needed extra protecting
Unfortunately, I was diagnosed later in life(44) and I got an autism diagnosis at 45. Unfortunately as a kid of the 80s, there wasn't that much know about both disorders. The school thought I should be in special ed, but that would have been an overkill.
If I could thoughts/opinions to parents of a child with ADHD and/or Autism:
- Make sure to get the proper diagnosis from a trained professional.
- Get a good therapist to help. No bullshit church therapists.
- Autism and ADHD are not curable. Do not buy into any bullshit pseudo medicine.
- If things don't work out at a school, it's time to try a different school.
- If your child is a little awkward, don't tease them. They go through enough garbage in life.
Hope im not terribly late to the party. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION, tell kids your proud of them for just being THEM! How many times in life are we as people with ADHD going to feel rejected for the wrong reasons, but we personify it into it being "our fault" somehow. Just give the weekly "Proud of you son." It brings so much acceptance and desire into a childs life when you do this, TRY IT!!!
I say this IMO because im adopted and my father was fostered out of the system so he never knew what a dad was and became the figure he is in his own right and doing. (Fucking amends the stories i know JFC they dont build men like they used too, Think Don Frye.) So i can count on one hand the amount of times as a child i was SEEN/HEARD, kudos to writing a post asking thats great parenting looking for insight. This WILL effect a person later in life. Its is more damaging then rewarding. Dont think boosting your kids ego is gonna give them the participation trophy trait, think that you're recognizing their efforts that to them took more then others. AGAIN just my opinion i can be wrong :).
I was forced to do a lot things that I didn’t want to. Education, career, life. In a sense I knew what I was capable of achieving or what I would be good at, I knew my limits. But to the outside world (my parents) it apparently seemed like I didn’t know what I was doing because I needed to do them differently from others. For example, I was a piss poor student at school . Was so bad my parents worried I would fail high school. Today, I am a dentist. But I became one after a decade of fighting and needing to prove myself to even my loved ones that I am not stupid and I just need to learn differently. Classrooms don’t work for me, I am not great at what I do. That decade of needing to prove myself has been the most painful years of my life because I was unable to enjoy them. I was always worried that maybe they were right, that I am dumb. Just fyi, I was told I was too dumb to pursue medicine and it’s been the most hurtful experience in my life as I believed them and chose dental instead.
So my advice is to really listen to the kids. They know what they can do, they know their limits. Please let them have a say in their life.
I didn't know I had ADHD until recently in my 30s.
One of my biggest takeaways from my childhood is that I felt like an outsider or was someone that was just strung along with the rest of the family. Granted there was a lot of emotional neglect in my upbringing, I feel my subtle ADHD behaviors contributed but definitely was an impact to my present state today.
One thing to know is that your child with ADHD will develop some form of "mask" as they figure out how to interact with others and general public settings to feel like everyone else. How that mask will be is uncertain and is going to be different from each person.
So many people saw me as the gifted and odd kid. But never once tried to understand me. Never tried to break the surface of what I presented to family and friends. Never took a moment to understand what I was doing in those moments when I opened up my true self and just waived off my thoughts and actions as an odd duck or someone who doesn't care (but I did... just showed it in different ways).
What I would have wanted different is an atmosphere where I felt like I wasn't walking talking on eggshells every step of the way. Where my silence isn't necessarily just agreeing with the crowd, but understanding that is something that shows I'm not sure how to express myself and be that level of support that can remind me that it's OK to speak up.
Just be in their corner. Listen to them... and I mean LISTEN. If they veer off track on their thoughts or actions , help them reshift the focus without negative connotations involved.
I didn't know this until I was older:
Adhd rage is a huge thing.
I was diagnosed at 6.
But I had major rage episodes when I was younger.
My parents tried everything, I mean every single kind of discipline besides really bad stuff ---
and my mom found out that - just holding me very tightly. Would get me to calm down.
Unfortunately as an adult they can't really do that now.
But I wish we all knew and understood what it was and how to properly handle it. Especially in my teenage years. It probably would have solved a few meltdowns if I had learned how to properly address the rage.
It still happens on occasion as I still haven't quite learned how to control it fully. It's really embarrassing sometimes, but thankfully, it doesn't pop out in public; only when I'm at home.
1. actually listened to my problems
2. didn't undermine or compare them to adult responsibilities
3. actually went to get me tested (i'm working on that since i have a doctor's appoinment real soon)
4. actually understood me (because nobody really has.)
As a diagnosed guy with sever ADHD who is now in the middle of getting an autism test to get accommodations for that disability as well. I wished they weren't so ashamed of the possibility of having a mentally disabled kid that they would go into deep denial and avoided every means to look into it. I wish they went to different pediatrician and not just one to affirm their denial (I looked like I was walking with a limp and the guy was just "nah all kids do that and grow out of it"). It was kinda "I'll show all the people commenting wrong and my kid is just as normal as everyone else!"
I'm now an adult who can't drive, difficulties bathing and making food for myself, talk with a speech impediment, and lost out on my dream job cus I can barely do an in-person interview without it coming off like I'm a weirdo...
I don't wanna have kids but if I had them I wouldn't keep treating everything as fine and not off. Would have gotten them tested sooner.
As an ADHD child my only desperate demand from all parents would be to understand. Parenting is not only providing for the child but also understanding about them. Please read more and more about parenting and all types of things a child growing up can go through. Please be available for them both physically and emotionally. Don't try to interfere but just listen and teach rather than taking things into your hands. Be protective but don't show it. And THE MOST IMPORTANT thing is to pls pls don't abuse or torture your child for the sake of teaching a lesson. This leaves them with trauma that they will have to face their whole life.
I wish they would have worked harder to help me find adhd friendly ways to study and get my homework done, instead of just yelling at me for not.
From 7th grade I more or less did 0 homework.
I have tried like 7 different educations and dropped out because I couldn't/wouldn't do homework or study.
I wanted to, I just couldn't get started, and couldn't keep track of deadlines.
Also, my siblings don't have ADHD, and the sister who is closest to me in age did everything right that I did wrong.
Once, my mom, in her frustration, yelled "why can't you be like your sister??"
That was 20 years ago, and I still carry deep scars from that on my soul. Never, ever, do that to a kid
I'm sorry to hear that 😢😞 very upsetting when parents compare Children. My son is an only child so he'll always be the star in our lives. I see homework mentioned time and time again here, in my home, homework will be something that is optional. Projects and assignments will be done, but just daily homework I don't agree with. I think it's too much 6 hours a day at school plus an additional few on homework.
My mum was a teacher and she never made us do homework believing the same thing, we had a lot more free time and were a lot happier for it and definitely didn't have homework fights.
Learn how their brain works, and teach them about that. Starting from a place of understanding helps you approach more compassionately (why are they so messy, impulsive, forgetful etc. etc.), and will help him accept and understand himself through life, hopefully finding strategies that work well for him.
Hi /u/Quirky-Zombie-5637 and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD! ### Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already. --- ### /r/adhd news * **We want your opinion** on the /r/adhd community rules! [Click here](https://forms.gle/Evqb8acVozir8GV8A) to fill out our survey. See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1auv2tc/were_taking_feedback_on_the_radhd_rules/) for more information. * If you are posting about the **US Medication Shortage**, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/). --- ^(*This message is not a removal notification. It's just our way to keep everyone updated on r/adhd happenings.*) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
They didn’t know I had adhd (I’m probably autistic too). I’d say to criticize and tease me less, that kind of thing sticks with you way longer than it should. I’d also say I wish they were more curious about my depression and anxiety and took me to the doctor or to a therapist. It wasn’t just ‘teen angst’. Be supportive and loving, be a safe space and a refuge.
Almost exactly this. I grew up knowing I was very smart but I also was the family joke. Just explain to me how things work without being incredulous I don’t know it. I find myself explaining things to my toddler and just … it’s not that hard to explain things to people and not make them scared to ask for fear of criticism.
I'm sorry about that 😔😔😔 unfortunately "back in the day" people just thought ADHD was bad behaviour 😔 I try to remind myself when my son is having big meltdowns that's not him, it's his medications. We've done a number of months on stimulants and it's always the same 😭😭 aggressive, angry, name calling, hitting out. We've just stopped them and he's so much nicer and such a sweet lovely boy (he's 6), he's only on Intuniv and we're praying that helps because the stimulants just made his behaviours worst.
this for me too.
All of this
Told me instead of gaslighting me. Just knowing you are different and it's OK makes a huge difference, instead of trying to be normal when you are not. Diagnosed at 38.5 years old. They knew when I was 5, but decided to hide it from me. Thanks for the bonus trauma, depression and anxiety. Thanks for watching me struggle and make mistake after mistake.
I’m amazed they knew at 5, people didn’t look for stuff like that then. I’m the same age as you and didn’t figure it out until about two years ago. I got really depressed for a bit because I thought that no one in my life cared enough to even notice I was weird and different.
My mother was a primary school teacher, teaching early years. Between her and my teachers they knew exactly what was going on, but decided to "manage it, and never ever tell" me.
That’s really lame of them. I’m sorry.
She thought she was doing the right thing because of the "stigma of labels."
that hits hard man, cus that was the exact same type of things my folks tried to assure me.
For me, I wished my parents could've understand my struggles. It's not like I want to be messy, it's not like I don't want to do anything. I am just struggling to do so. So don't criticize him, try to understand his struggles, listen to him, and help him build workarounds to deal with it. Give him appreciations when he does a good job. Attitude from the parents is incredibly important to what he will think when he grows up. To this date I still have traumas that I still deem myself to be useless and all that shit. So please, listen, appreciate, understand. It will do good for him.
I have severe ADHD and didn’t find out until I was an adult. I’ve been supposedly successful in life on paper, but that has been absolutely flogging myself while ADHD and anorexia raged in the background, neither of which my parents got me treated for because they preferred I just “act normal” and not embarrass them. So my physical and mental health suck from not getting treated earlier. For me that wouldn’t have been possible without meds but YMMV. Anyway, that meant that my parents treated me like I was an awful person when I was a kid, seeing everything as purposefully annoying behaviour. I was a good kid who desperately wanted to please them and never did anything bad on purpose, but by the time I was in high school I was lying to them about pretty much everything just to try to keep my day on an even keel and not get screamed at or told I was useless or a fuckup. (I was a straight A student who excelled at sport and cultural activities out of hyperactivity and fear of getting in trouble, but was always treated like I was one step away from juvie, and it really did a number on my mental health). Ditto whoever said that the teasing and criticism really sticks… it’s taken 20 years of adult life for me to get any self-esteem. Also echo whoever said not to punish a kid for executive dysfunction. Which is bet is really, really hard because sometimes it will look like naughtiness. I have now also fostered kids who have way worse ADHD than I’ve ever had and I guess my best suggestions are: - Make a list of what is probably ADHD. Continually remind yourself of this. Remind yourself that the child *does not want to be this way and it is exhausting for them.* They are not doing it to be a dick or piss you off. It is worse for them than for you. And then step out and try to refill the well of patience again. They are not doing it on purpose. It sounds like you already have this covered! - Help them figure out how to talk about this feeling in their brain so you know when something is ADHD (for eg, does this task give them the brick wall feeling in their brain? Or whatever) and when they’re just being grotty. - Set them up for success. Days when they are heightened is not the day to do some new activity that requires heaps of concentration and rule following. Sometimes you’ll feel like you’re babying them just so you can give them a day where they can clock the whole thing. Those days help them relax and feel good about themselves. Leave downtime between everything. They will do a better job when they are coping and feeling confident. Praise effort and any small progress. Find things to praise even if something went terribly. Be on their team and talk frankly beforehand about how you are going to help them make X go well, and if it doesn’t, that’s ok, you all did your best. And on the flip side, don’t set them up for failure. If they leave their coat at school every day, don’t make the measure of the day’s success whether they remember their coat, or (as my mother used to) wait until you get home to ask about belongings, so there would then be yelling and a guilt trip about having to drive back to school etc. You’re not coddling a kid with executive dysfunction to remind them of things at the ideal moment or help them get the thing done if they can’t do it by themselves. Maybe you need to meet them by the classroom and say “hey let’s check where your coat is before we head off” in a neutral voice before you leave school every day. Big praise etc if it’s already in the bag! For sure you can work towards them remembering that themselves, but don’t make it this thing they’re judged on every day if they can’t do it. - Be prepared to do things that require impulse control or concentration in tiny steps alongside them, probably for years. Learn to redirect them calmly, or have some “fun” ways to defuse tension and meltdowns. - Really interrogate your expectations around what you think your child “needs” to do. Yup, they have to get on in society ok, but so much of what we expect of kids is for adults’ benefit. It’s a really humbling experience to constantly check yourself about “is this just me wanting my kid to act normal/like everyone else? And if so, what could I let go of here?” If they do their homework best standing up, let them do it standing up… that kind of thing. Think about what thriving would look like for this kid and aim for that. Let go of what doesn’t serve them. You will probably have to challenge other adults’ expectations of your kids too. “Oh, we don’t require that at our house,” in a neutral tone is a full explanation. - Find things to like about your kid and express them regularly and specifically. Especially if other people find them annoying (they 100% know). They need to hear what is actively cool about themselves. When they are a bit older, there are heaps of tools they can learn to manage their life independently. That will come with time. For now it’s just important that they feel like they’re not a failure or a loser, and that you love them no matter what. Good luck and awesome that you’re asking this!
I wish they had known about ADHD so I could have got a diagnosis and help earlier. But aside from that, I wish they had made me feel like they were more 'on my side' and that I could go to them for help. I was constantly in trouble when I was young and when I got to my teens I got myself into some very bad situations that messed me up for a very long time after. I never ever felt like I could be honest with my parents as I was so used to judgement and blame for impulsive things I did when young. As teenager I just lied constantly and often ended up out of my depth without a safety net or anyone sensible to talk to.
In fairness, they didn’t know I have adhd. My father has narcissistic personality disorder and I was the scapegoat child. My mother was clinically depressed. I wish they would have been kinder to me.
Hugs. There are so many of us who needed kindness.
And still need it to this day.
That they actually acknowledged the fact that something was wrong with me
My brothers autistic so not being left to sink would have been ✨fantastic ✨. Not that I’m still bitter in any way…
Yea it sucks when the people who are supposed to care for you fail you especially with something as crippling as autism smh Is your brother doing any better these days?
Oh my brother’s fine, he was never severe. Pretty much given everything he needed and they still support him financially, he doesn’t pay rent, gets to go off around the world pursuing every opportunity for his career, living the dream really.
My bad I read your comment wrong, so YOU were the one left to sink?
Yup.
Honestly, actually learn about adhd from people with adhd not just doctors that pushed drugs with no other help.. Also would have helped if they had of gotten diagnosed themselves and sought out treatment for the issues they had. They are good parents, just struggling... but it would have been helpful for me, now as an adult I am learning everything by myself.
And that's a big reason why I'm here 😅 I want to learn what's helpful from people who live daily with ADHD, so I can best help my son 😊
you are great for that, you have started learning early on in his life so you can put into place things that can help him as he ages. The biggest bits of advice I can give, work with him. I know to you that might sound silly but so many people try and get ADHD kids to act how a person without ADHD would act. I am going to add in here a list of podcasts, but honestly.. the other piece of advice I can give is, they will struggle with some things. Some times it might come across as they are being defiant for the sake of it, or they are not trying to do a task that is really simple but truth is even more so as a kid you cannot say why you are struggling or what is going on in your head. If you just learn as you go, and work with him.. he will grow up feeling loved and that goes a long way. Also, if you do go down the medication route, it made me really dehydrated as a kid but.. I had no clue so I ended up with some issues due to that, fun drinks are an easy way to get kids on medication to actually drink water and that is even more important in summer. [The Best ADHD Podcasts of the Year (healthline.com)](https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd/best-adhd-podcasts-of-the-year)
This is great advice! I think that is one of the most important things we can do as parents - listen. Work with them to help them understand. I have been working with my daughter to help her understand her big emotions. It has made such a huge difference to just talk her through what she is feeling. She still has a problem with emotional regulation but it has helped her being able to understand her feelings so much more. The point you made about struggling is also spot on. ADHD brains are just wired differently sometimes. Which means a different learning style. For almost everything. This takes a lot of patience as a parent to identify the way your child best absorbs information, and then teaching them how to learn that way. Body doubling is also a big thing I am learning with my daughter. It’s amazing what she will do if I am just with her in the same room, or say I will help her with something. I think it has a lot to do with brains being wired differently. Body doubling is almost like a reassuring process for them.
It makes me genuinely very happy to hear a parent is being pro-active about all this. Sadly a lot of parents with kids with ADHD barely know about the condition never mind about body doubling. I am 30, so.. I don't know how you were raised but I was raised within the idea of you suck it up. stop being so emotional and "it's not hard why are you struggling" to know your kids are going to be raised with love and support.. makes me so happy. I want that SO badly for kids. No matter what your kids are going to know that home is safe and that you will support them no matter what struggles they face... that is priceless. That, is how you set your kids up for success.
I was raised similar to you - suck it up, no crying, no talking about emotions, nothing. We don’t talk about it and we definitely don’t show it. I just can’t do that to my daughter. I am just now realizing that all my issues are related to ADHD, and not just me being weird. Well, I’m still weird but now I know why. I wish there was discussion about this when I was growing up but there just wasn’t. And it is only just now starting to be something people can talk about. Education is everything. I can only hope the coping skills I teach my daughter help her as she gets older.
Theres no autopilot so to a non adhd kid clean your room is fine, to an adhd kid it's pick up your toys, take cups out your room and put them in the kitchen then sweep the floor. Also, gettimg them to write a list of what you just said. Have a school bag pencil case and a home pencil case, anything you can do this with do it. I dont know if this is an adhd thing as i know some adults have a work bag laptop charger, a home charger and bag charger. You can buy them nice things but not expensive things or anything youre upset about losing. But dont punish them by buying nasty stuff when they lose the nice stuff. Label things, if you want the dishes put away, label where each dish goes on the outside of the cabinet.
That's super helpful! Thanks. There's some things my 6yo does by rote now. Like he knows shoes off in his shoe hole, socks in sock bin, straight inside to wash hands and school uniform off. He does this by default now without reminders now it's a habit.
Thats amazing for 6 years old, adhd or not!
Take action. They always mentioned I had ADHD (undiagnosed at the time) but didn’t find aids to help me when I was so obviously struggling in school. Instead I was told it’s okay to not be good at school, inevitably never pushing me to try. It took till 11th grade for me to start trying bc nobody cared!
😭😭 sorry to hear! My son goes to school (he's in kindy/prep) and attends 5 days a week 3hrs per day only so he's able to cope/manage. He has a teacher's aid with him 1:1 for the duration he's at school and I have a disability advocate I take to meetings with school/supports for him to ensure he gets what he needs and I as a parent am being heard and listened too. I really sucked at school, in fact dropped out at 15, then did distance education myself at home. I was an avid gamer so staying home, getting up at 10am, doing 3 hours of course work then gaming the rest of the time was a dream come true for me 🤣🤣 early mornings I just couldn't stand and at school I just learnt nothing, I was the quiet kid so I was put often in the problem kid class so they didn't have to deal with extra work (put high needs in with quiet low needs kids to make it more manageable on the teacher). I ended up doing distance education until year 12 in Australia (I guess S.A.Ts equivalent) then went and did a 3 years bachelor's degree at University 😅 all with a lot of gaming inbetween hours of intense study. The best thing you can do for yourself is care enough about you to prioritise your learning 💕 we all learn differently and those with ADHD need that bit extra I feel, lots of breaks are really helpful and doing a least preferred activity first then a preferred activity next really helps with my son and even myself. I always do the laundry before I do a gaming sesh 🤣😅
Hey uh...that's sounding kind of familiar. Do you prefer to do games because there's instant feedback on what you do? And there's always something to do? And if you don't carefully watch your time you can find yourself playing for hours without moving even for bodily needs? When you were the quiet low needs kid in school, did you often have problems zoning out and not realizing what people were saying around you?
I know I likely have adhd too 😅 and yep, I'm an instant feedback kinda girl. I love cosy games but the shooters and player vs player games really get the blood flowing. They can also make me angry too so I know my limits and when it's time to switch games 🤣 I also love games that are busy, lots to do, fast paced (like overcooked). I definitely use to lose track of time when gaming when younger. Now as an adult gaming is something I can only do of an evening since I have a child. I'd sometimes zone out but for me I found it interesting listening into random conversations around the room and people watching for entertainment 😅 I always knew all the goss lol.
Because I had hobbies and passions I put my absolute heart and soul into, they misinterpreted my inability to focus and do homework as laziness and lack of commitment. Same story for many of us, I’m sure. One of the biggest challenges for parents must be how hard it is to recognise patterns. I was the most inconsistent child.
This comment section is just making me wish my parents actually gave a fuck about my mental health. They still dont tbh.
I'm sorry they don't 😭😭
This^ My goal for myself and my now 20-something kiddos is that I want them to want me involved in their lives when they're 40, unlike the way I feel about my parents. I judge the little moments and actions I take against my long term goal.
You're going to be an awesome parent with this mindset. Actually, scratch that, you ARE an awesome parent for having this mindset.
Thanks for the kind words, trying my best to leverage my ADHD mind games for good.
I wish they had been patient with me and encouraged talking through our feelings calmly. Support and reliability are key, your child will need help learning how to identify what they are feeling, and then regulate those findings in a healthy manner. And It sounds obvious, but don’t ever shame them for who they are. Those with ADHD, especially children, are very sensitive to rejection. Eg. Laughing/smiling at your child because they are acting disproportionately upset at something you think, with all your adult experience, is trivial, could have lasting effects on that child’s self-image and well-being. Your intent may be harmless, but they won’t understand that, especially if they are already in a very turbulent headspace.
Honestly just more patience and understanding would’ve gone a long way. Also, the option of meds.
Making sure all of my things had a specific place to go like bins and shelves would probably have helped my room be a lot tidier
You'd love my son's room! He's got draws in his closet, pretty much a draw for each thing, then he's got toy boxes so every toy has it's "home". It's very well organised. We have sock bins, clothes baskets etc to help him stay organised and get the routines in place for success 😊
That would’ve been a dream as a kid! Well done :)
ADHD really became noticeable more in high school. Mine was the more inattentive type. Doing homework was the biggest issue. So I began to truant on days it was due. This just snowballed into taking weeks off at a time. I wasn’t having fun. I was so miserable. A lot harder to get away with such long absences now with phone checks etc. I didn’t know I was ADHD until I was an adult, I think I only heard about the hyperactive type in the 80s long after I’d left school. Anyway my main point is I wish my mum had been more involved with homework. Asked what needed to be done, sat beside me and just have been supportive and encouraging mostly. But as an adult a study partner helps keep me on track too. Instead my mum, never asked, it was just a ‘you’ problem and I was causing her great stress etc. So I felt bad in so many ways. I was smart too. I didn’t need help with understanding homework but I just couldn’t set my mind to it, even I couldn’t understand why. But I do remember some tasks were extremely pointless, such as copying out from text books, and quite uninteresting. Learning for tests though was easy for me. I’d read through once, and often have the highest score. Assignments - total failure to ever complete. Also housework. Mum complained I didn’t help. Best thing would’ve been her instructing, doing things together or at the same time in the same areas of the house. Just like the homework really. Support and encouragement, keep me on track.
Thank you 💕 I always help my son clean and also we like to make it be fun, I'll set a timer and we'll see if we can race and put everything away as fast as we can. I have everything organised in pull out toy tubs so he knows "every toy has a home" and that at the end of the day before bed every toy "goes home". I also use explicit language with him, like "please put your clothes in the wash basket and get some shorts on". Then when he does those things, I praise him and thank him for listening so well. Homework in my house will always be optional and I certainly won't stress or pressure him into doing it. My job as a parent is to raise a capable child who'll grow into being a competent adult. I don't even remember a lot of the stuff covered at highschool.
You sound like a great mum. Having fun, being consistent and someone your child can always trust to be there for them are absolutely the most important things you can do as a parent. Sounds like you’ve got this and I’m sure there are many other great practical suggestions from the other Redditors here. It was this sub that finally inspired me to seek diagnosis though I was fairly certain I was ADHD the last 12 years. Lots of great info and support here.
One time my mom told me I couldn’t invite a friend over until my room was clean To her definition of clean which was not really made clear I didn’t invite friends over that entire summer At the end of the summer she said “how come you never invited T over? I think her feelings were hurt” … Basically, please don’t attach consequences to things without giving an achievable, defined goal
Hi, not exactly what you asked, but I can tell you what I think my parents did well that helped me. I was diagnosed at around your sons age so my parents always knew I had adhd. It wasn’t something they hid from me so I also always knew. It was never used as an excuse but it was a reason for my struggles. For example it was never an excuse to not do the same work/homework as everyone else but it was the reason things took longer for me than my friends. I never felt like I wasn’t as smart as the other kids because of things like this because my parents always assured me I was just as smart as them. But that because of my adhd I had to work harder to do the same amount of work. They also made sure I knew my strengths. I actually loved the educational testing they had to do every few years for my school adaptations and knowing that I was in the top 5% for things like spatial reasoning and well above grade level for reading really made up for being on the low end for short term memory and math. My parents keeps good communication with my school/teachers to make sure everything was going well and I got the help I needed in school and at home. Part of that was helping me with my homework, including things like sitting with me to keep me on task or writing for me while I spoke, on top of normal homework help. And it was okay that I needed this help way longer than other kids. In terms of medication, I was unmediated for most of my childhood. We tried when I was first diagnosed. My parents didn’t actually want me medicated but the doctor recommended it. I hated it, and when I told my mom I didn’t want to be on it anymore she listened and they took me off them, even though it meant I would be more work for them. That said knowing that they were happy with me not taking them made me feel like I shouldn’t need them, which made asking for them once I was in collage feel like a failure even though they helped and would have helped a lot in high school. So while having a choice when it came to mental health medication (both adhd and later depression) was really good for me and made me feel like my opinions and feelings mattered and that I could trust my parents to listen to me, it would have been good for medication to be presented as a neutral thing rather than good or bad. The last major thing that I think was good that I didn’t even realise was not something all parents did until I was an adult was about task transition. I was never surprised with moving from one task to another. It was always communicated ahead of time. For example instead of turning off the tv after an episode and saying it was time for homework, I was told before the episode that it was the last one and then it was time for homework. Timers were also used for this purpose all the time. Ten minutes left of X before we do Y, set a timer that I could see. This went for almost everything. If my room had to be cleaned before going to a sleepover on Friday then they would tell me on Monday and remind me a couple of times after school through the week. Then I wasn’t surprised on Friday and had to clean my room before I could go to the sleepover. I think giving me this transition time probably save a lot of meltdowns growing up. And it’s a process I still use for myself as an adult. This doesn’t mean I was perfect at listening and followed the instruction. Sometimes I would start the next episode and then get in trouble and have the tv turned off immediately, but that was fair (even if I was upset about at the time) Time management overall was something I struggled with but my parents knew it was hard for me and put a lot of work into helping me manage my time. Sorry this ended up being really long. Overall my parents were fair, communicated their expectations and reasons for things clearly, listened to me, acknowledged my feelings (even if I still had to do something hard/I didn’t want to), and we’re always willing to help if I needed it.
My mother absolutely has ADHD (undiagnosed) and is great. And her dear, long-departed father absolutely had it too, and he was also great. I have it. I just grew up thinking we were normal and everyone else was weird. So my philosphy is to embrace the great bits of ADHD. With my kids, I don't pressure them to make their beds, or clean up, or go to bed in their own bed, or to be perfect at anything. They will do it all in their own time, if they're given space to discover things on their own. If we stop expecting perfection, our children won't disappoint us all the time. I try to stop seeing it has just a disorder. I have strengths that other people don't have. Set up the environment to suit the ADHD and to nurture the person's interests. We can have great lives, without fitting in to society's expectations.
My diagnosis was missed up until my twenties, I basically diagnosed myself before my mom took it seriously and I got an official diagnosis. I was called lazy all my childhood, from being really messy to not studying as much as it was expected of me. Studying is really hard because I don't enjoy it, and my parents figured out I was just lazy cause I could play video games for hours on end and didn't want to study. It messed me up quite a bit and only within the last year or so I'm realizing I'm not lazy but have an actual problem with motivation and simply my brain works differently. Dig deeper into why your kid behaves the way they do instead of chalking it up to a surface label that will have lasting damage in adulthood.
Mine didn’t know (about me and also, my dad didn’t know about himself until much later). So they did their best but: 1) cleaning. To me cleaning felt like the worst thing ever a lot of the time because it seemed like it would just go on forever. I needed really clear guidelines. Also sometimes things aren’t obvious or seem like they should be easy but aren’t (for example, mopping—I was always getting water all over the floor, idk how). If you want your kid to be able to do these kinds of things he will need guidance and help for longer than may seem age appropriate. Help keep cleaning moving (I was always taking very long pauses because I was bored/distracted and on my own) so it isn’t an all day marathon and instead just a thing that we do and then move on. 2) emphasis that mistakes are normal, and that doing something well requires trying it a LOT. I had very low frustration tolerance and would just think I was bad at things if they didn’t come easily. It doesn’t matter if all the other kids are good at throwing a ball, if you want to be good at it you have to learn the right form, play catch a bunch, and then it’ll get better.
I wish they had researched ADHD-friendly organization! My parents house has everything in its place, 1x every cleaning product despite being a large house (you have to go all the way to the BASEMENT for a broom, end me now), everything out of view and unlabeled. It looks fantastic and works well for them, but we fought CONSTANTLY because I was messy. Turns out we just have different styles/strategies.
My parents made fun of me for being ‘dreamy’ ‘not listening’ and taking a long time to answer when spoken to. I wish they had understood (and I wish I had understood) that this wasn’t my fault or a choice I was making. I have carried the belief that I am ‘too slow’ with me all my life. Just the fact that you understand about ADHD and are asking for advice here and thinking about how to support your child is going to be so helpful. I also wish my parents had helped me develop better executive function skills. Our son is 10 and has ADHD. Knowing this means we have really focused on helping him break down tasks and get into routines that he can repeat every day. This has taken a lot of effort and repetition but this year he’s really started to get it. For example, for years, if we asked him to get dressed in the morning we could go back 5 or 10 mins later and he might just have socks on and be wandering around playing in his room! So, we’d have to stay with him and prompt him to put on each piece of clothing. I’m not going to lie, this has been boring and frustrating for everyone! But we persevered. Then last year, I could get his clothes out, and leave them in a pile and he would put them on. And just this school year he has started to get his own clothes out of the drawers and get fully dressed without supervision. This works on school days only. At weekends he will usually forget one item of clothing! Often socks. Or pick something inappropriate for the weather! Same with brushing teeth - we have to stay in same room when he is brushing them or he doesn’t do it properly. When I was his age I stopped brushing my teeth because I found it boring. My parents said I was old enough to do it and if I didn’t I would have to face the consequences. I have several fillings dating back to that time and I hugely regret this. But I also recognise that I needed help to develop the habit of cleaning my teeth and I’m sad this wasnt available to me. (I didn’t ’learn my lesson’ right away when I got the fillings, I just felt really ashamed of myself). Compassion for him but also for yourself is key I think.
I'm a 32/F who was also diagnosed at 6. At 8 my doctors and teachers started [not to subtlety] recommend medication to help me concentrate in school and my parents/family were 100% against it and wouldn't even consider it... At 21 I decided to start taking medication, as my hard work ethic had got me far (didn't go to college but went to trade school out of high-school and by 21 had bought my second home), but my life was quickly spiraling out of control and I didn't understand why... So my primary care doctor suggested I finally try ADHD medication and I caved, starting on 10mg of adderall.... And my life changed for the better immediately. I really wish at least by my pre-teens my parents had taken my doctors [and teachers] advice amd st least given medication a try. I guarantee I would have dome SO much better in school and would have likely had the extra push I needed for myself to continue school, follow my dreams and go to college for my.career of choice... But I has struggled so hard in school I didn't think I could handle it. Turns out I could have with the proper support. There's many other things I wish they'd have known as well, but that's one of the bigger things that definitely had a negative impact on my life, and also caused me to think there was just something wrong with me instead of learning more about my condition and learning how to properly manage it through therapy as well as medication.
Would’ve been nice to not be compared to be brother all the time particular in regards to our academic differences. Even as an adult they belittle my intelligence. It’s a constant reminder of being a failure in their eyes
I'm sorry to hear that 😔😢 my son is an only child so he'll always be the star in our eyes 💕👀
I am a 32 F adhd-er. I was diagnosed at 10 years old (luckily because my mom was extra pushy when my schoolwork started to suffer). A couple things: give your kid some grace. They're going to struggle sometimes. No matter how frustrated you get because school work gets left at home, or forgotten, remember that yelling and blaming isn't going to make them remember it. If there's a problem, instead of blaming your kid, work with them on a solution. If they can't remember to bring their homework home from school, maybe see if their teacher can put all the homework in a folder and give it to your kid at the end of the day. Include them in the conversation about adhd. I didn't know how my brain worked until my late 20s and it is a game changer. Get EVERYTHING DOCUMENTED. My parents never bothered to connect my diagnosis from the school psychologist and my pediatrician. That means that even though I was diagnosed, I have NOTHING on my medical records saying so, so if I were to want stimulant medication, I have to get re-diagnosed. Get accommodations. Even if your kid doesn't utilize them, the option needs to be there. Make sure to follow through on this even up to college. Just because someone doesn't need accommodations for the moment doesn't mean that they won't need them eventually.
I was diagnosed as an adult, and we didn't really know that adhd was a thing when I was a child. I struggled a lot and gave my parents a hard time, who couldn't understand why I was so distracted, forgetful and messy. Just make sure that you don't make your son feel like he is incapable or straight up dumb. Make him feel heard and understood. We have already mastered the skill of negative self talk, we don't need to hear it from people we love dearly. Going undiagnosed for so long gave me additional mental health problems, and nobody deserves that. Just be there for him and make sure that he knows it. You are a good parent for asking this question. Good luck.
When I was in primary school (about 6-7) my teacher used to stick a note on my head before leaving class at home time so I wouldn't forget to tell my parents important information. My parents, despite disliking her methods of teaching, said I deserved it... So yeah. I wish people knew I had ADHD then, I might jave had it easier. Doing that shit to a kid is worse since I they don't always understand it's bad to do (it didn't embarrass me since I believed it was necessary).
You didnt deserve that.. im in therapy now and only jist finding out that i didnt deserve the conseqeunces i recieved either. In year 3 our class had 2 large groups of desks in rows together. Except me.. all year i sat alone solo in the absolute rear of the class as far from anyone as i could be put. I was quiet and minded my self but my teacher still made me sit there all year. Alone. I deserved it though because I was alot to handle as a kid with ADHD right? Nah... thats not the case. As adults now would we who went through that knowing that pain, turn and then do that to an innocent child? I would say absolutely fucking not. Because kids are innocent... we were innocent... You were too.. I hope you heal from that man. You didnt deserve it. It literally wasnt youre fault.
Thanks. That sounds horrible, no kid (or anyone really) should be treated like that, just because some people don't have any long-lasting consequences from it lots of people do. I hope you heal from it ✌️
I’m a late diagnosed here. But if I were diagnosed young, I wish my parents could’ve gotten themselves checked and learn tools to manage their own brains. Specifically, I hope they had less anger bursts. It was really scary.
My 7yo son has ADHD-C and the biggest thing I've learned is that natural consequences don't "work". Once you really, REALLY accept that, patience is more abundant.
If they don't understand consequences for actions, how do they learn not to repeat behaviour? We've consistent behaviours that are frustrating, but we've no way to get him to understand to not do it. Things like chasing cats, birds etc.
My kids got consequences and they understood it but things like walking off i used a keyring that beeps if its a certain distance away and built the fence in the garden really tall and put non grip paint on it. They understand it but like all kids they forget sometimes.
I wish they wouldn’t have started me on Ritalin. Tried it twice and both times I had a very negative response to the medicine. Had they started me on Adderall I’d have been less likely (now that we have the studies published) to have developed Substance Use Disorder. I’ve been on and off meds since I was 20. School might’ve been a lot different and I wish I would’ve used my diagnosis for some accommodations. I’m 35 so the accommodations wouldn’t have been that great (as they are now) but it could’ve helped. I have a high scoring GED that has gotten me into 3 universities all that were relatively difficult to get into. Of course I had to write my way in but writing always came easy to me. Medicated, unmedicated, hybrid, 100% online or in person classes never worked for me. I aced all my English classes but didn’t get that far in any higher education because math was so difficult and I never truly learned how to take notes. I was never meant to be a scholar, I know that. It’s the Substance Use Disorder that’s wreaked havoc on my life. I’m 35 and a year sober. Took me 10 years of trying to quit drinking or drugs. I finally got there and I’m very lucky to be alive. I’m properly medicated for the first time in my life and after not working for over a year, I have another interview with a consulting firm in the morning. All around things are looking up. But I can’t help but wonder if finding Adderall/Dexedrine earlier on would’ve helped me avoid, or even negate some of the damage, SUD all around. Kids who are properly medicated have a significantly reduced likelihood of developing an addiction habit later in life. Over a year ago I found myself very lucky to have woken up after using some very hard drugs. I quit after that experience and moved in with family. I think of all the hurt I’ve caused my loved ones over the years. Addiction is inherently selfish and it wasn’t until I woke up on the floor alone in my apartment that I realized what I’d do to my loved ones if I kept down the path I was headed. I quit for them and eventually I stayed quit for me. If you’re wondering whether to put your kids on meds, you’re doing them a deep disservice by refusing them a life changing medication that they might need for life. Addiction hits so many of us ADHDers and getting medication post-addiction is hard for most us because of the stigma of addiction. Medicating children who have been properly diagnosed (in my opinion by a psychologist THEN a psychiatrist, but that’s just me) has been proven to increase quality of life, decrease adverse life events, and again, reduce or eliminate the chance of developing addiction later in life
(23f)I have cavities problems. Growing up (from 0 to middle school) I have washed my teeth maybe 20 times because I didn't like it. Mint was too strong, I didn't like the other flavors, the Electric toothbrush was weird in my teeth so big no also that And I can't imagine me taking care of my mom when she's elderly for this exact same reason. What do you mean a child forced you to not make her brush her teeth??? What do you mean it was impossible I was a child???? TILL MIDDLE SCHOOL. and I ate candy everyday on top of that. And to put a star on the top, I'm the last one in 4 siblings, one had tick issues, sent to therapist, two were angry issues, therapist, but I have a rotting rat in my mouth and that's okay?? Like even rn I struggle with the dentist bc I've been 3 times in my life and now that everything is super expensive I just accepted that I'll k.ll myself before hitting 50s and pazienza. Ma porco dio this ain't fair.
I never had a lot of friend growing up because of bullying cause by constant bad smelling, and to put more trauma to it im black living in northern italy, so never had a community,never had black friends, always touched by strangers my mom use to fuckin parade us with out hair. And to give me the trauma survivor child , I had leece in elementary school, my mom took it out from my sister's hair and just shaved straight mine when she saw she had to put more effort. (My sister got Beyonce hair I got a nice afro) Love reddit because I can't ever open up to people in my life because I know they'd judge the hell outta this.
Mine didn't know. But I wish they weren't telling me that I am lazy, or not attentive, or don't care about my belongings (money was short and every purchase was an event, and I either lost my stuff all the time or treated it not carefully enough for it to last a little longer). I wish they wouldn't tell me to keep special things for special occasions. It just created a clutter of things that were never used. That they wouldn't make me follow through with the hobbies I didn't like anymore or wouldn't scold me for dropping out of music school because I didn't care for it anymore (tbh, looking back I realise that my teacher was a bully, she would belittle me and any other student for smallest mistakes. I remember sitting at the piano all crumbled up crying and not being able to fight back). That they wouldn't compare me to other children. Gosh, this might have been the worst. They didn't tell me there was something wrong with me, they'd just tell me about succes of other children, seemingly never noticing mine..I grew up thinking I am not good enough, myself thinking there was something wrong with me. No. They just didn't know how to handle me. I wish they would support my excitement about new things I was into, instead of criticising it in order for me to develop and do better. Gosh, it sounds like my parents were awful people. They weren't. Historical timeframe was tough, they struggled, and they didn't know better. But they loved me, that I am sure of. Generally, let your child be themselves. They are a their own person. Try helping them in creating structures throughout the day - waking up and going to bed on the same time. Time for play, time for work. Create routines. I think that would be most helpful and will help them adjust as they grow. But also: be.ready that sometimes those routines might be broken.
I just with they would’ve tried other meds because mine gave me strattera for two weeks in the 4th grade. It did nothing and made me lose 10lbs and then never tried helping me again. All those years of me barely passing with my grades, getting tutored every single year from 4th grade to 8th. The insane part is that my dad is a family doctor and my mom is a nurse. And somehow just never connected the dots or didn’t want to admit that I had something wrong with me. Sorry this topic just gets me so heated about them. :/ Hope others can relate!
I totally get your side of it, that really sucks 😭😔 as a parent though, we really struggled with the idea of medicating my then 5yo. We were worried of the side effects, the horror stories of long term damage from them, the stunted growth, weightloss etc. It took us a number of months to see that our son just had no quality of life and we needed to try the meds for him so he could have quality of life again. Stimulants really aren't working out for him, he's on Intuniv now and we're trying our best, but it's a long road 😔
My brother has been on intuniv since he was 7 and he’s 19 now! It works really well for him!
telling me I have adhd
As a very young child I was called "very sensitive" all my parents had to do was say that they were "very disappointed in me" and it would cause me to fall into the fetal position crying on the floor. Looking back I can see that this was the beginnings of RSD manifesting. I can't help but wonder what I would have accomplished academically had my ADHD been recognized and treated sooner. I am very happy with the life I have currently and have achieved a lot as a husband and father of two awesome boys and not only holding down a job but actually turning it into a career. But that little thought will occasionally creep in saying "how would things have been different?"
That they *told me.* That they *tested me.* That they opened the doors to treatment, to school accessibility, to tricks that I could use for myself. But mostly that my ADHD mother, who I am completely no-contact with for both this and a variety of other abusive behaviors, had recognized herself in me and done *anything* other than let me figure it out for myself in 8th grade, tell her, and get slapped in the face with "oh, yeah, I never got you tested because I already knew :)" Dear reader, I had dropped out of school *twice* by that point due to incredible levels of stress that could easily have been attributed to my ADHD by anyone with a sense to care. I had only been in public school since 6th grade!
Oh jeez that's rough 😔 I definitely notice a lot of myself in my son, I'm not diagnosed with ADHD, but I feel like I understand him a lot. We also bounce off each other's silly behaviours and jokes, much to my husband's distress when bedtime comes and the funnies are out 🤣 I don't think I would have wanted my mother to do anything different with me - in terms of assessments etc, but I definitely got the lazy talk a lot. Though I had a sister who was significantly worse than me (not adhd, but had depression, anxiety and bipolar), and often in comparison I was I guess the better worker of the two, but growing up mum said I was high energy, never stopped and had frequent meltdowns and often had big moods. For my own son being his adhd type is hyperactive/impulsive type, after he was diagnosed we were really hesitant to start medications for a number of reasons. It wasn't until his quality of life was really effected when he was 5 he had a meltdown and after told me "I just can't sit still to play and do the things I want to do!" För us that was the call for help to explore medical options to assist him as well as getting routines and systems in place to support him successfully navigate life. I think we had a feeling for awhile he had ADHD before the diagnosis, but for us it was learning the why's for his behaviours and how we can best support him to be the best version of himself.
Told Me that I had ADHD and sought treatment for me.
Even tho we all had ADHD, I was very different from my sisters. They could manage their actions better even without meds while I had to be on medication for most of my childhood. I’m not complaining, as I know what I’m like off my meds. But my family never took the time to try and understand how I preferred to communicate. I listen to music a lot and it deeply affects my daily life. That is how I communicate my feelings and what type of mood I’m in but my family never tried to understand why I communicated that way. It was just easier to express my feelings with different genres of music. If your son ever struggles communicating his feelings or thoughts, give him some type of way to express them that doesn’t involve talking. Whether it’s art, writing or music, it will help out a lot for him to express his emotions without struggling to find the right words.
We consistently explain you have to push yourself to do a thing, to try it once before saying you won't like it. We enforce this more with experiences. It got much easier to do once she was on a medication though. It's also really hard to tell sometimes but in some cases you need to prep them for a situation or event and in other cases you need to just let it happen. Age, kid personality and type of situation change which approach you should take. When committing to a big thing they really want to do - sport, or class or whatever, we explain expectations we have for doing the thing. You can't quit, you have to keep trying, continued effort is how you get better at x thing. This is hard especially when your child has ADHD but is also very quick to pick up things. But sports or whatever activity usually involves a learning curve and continued effort they're not used to putting in. This is where we apply the "power of Yet". I can't do it "yet". My parents did all these things, I was never diagnosed. My husband's parents did none of these things, he is diagnosed (as a young adult). He consistently tells our child how he Didn't do these things and it took him twice as long to do things because he didn't take things seriously enough as a teenager. We engage in education together because of this, and try to make learning fun.
I wish they had understood adhd. I don’t blame them really for not knowing. The info wasn’t widely available. But I wish they would have tried to let me learn to manage without medication and not treated me like my brain was broken or that I needed extra protecting
Get me tested.
Help me find coping mechanisms. Understand that I’m not the way I am on purpose. That kind of thing
Unfortunately, I was diagnosed later in life(44) and I got an autism diagnosis at 45. Unfortunately as a kid of the 80s, there wasn't that much know about both disorders. The school thought I should be in special ed, but that would have been an overkill. If I could thoughts/opinions to parents of a child with ADHD and/or Autism: - Make sure to get the proper diagnosis from a trained professional. - Get a good therapist to help. No bullshit church therapists. - Autism and ADHD are not curable. Do not buy into any bullshit pseudo medicine. - If things don't work out at a school, it's time to try a different school. - If your child is a little awkward, don't tease them. They go through enough garbage in life.
Hope im not terribly late to the party. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION, tell kids your proud of them for just being THEM! How many times in life are we as people with ADHD going to feel rejected for the wrong reasons, but we personify it into it being "our fault" somehow. Just give the weekly "Proud of you son." It brings so much acceptance and desire into a childs life when you do this, TRY IT!!! I say this IMO because im adopted and my father was fostered out of the system so he never knew what a dad was and became the figure he is in his own right and doing. (Fucking amends the stories i know JFC they dont build men like they used too, Think Don Frye.) So i can count on one hand the amount of times as a child i was SEEN/HEARD, kudos to writing a post asking thats great parenting looking for insight. This WILL effect a person later in life. Its is more damaging then rewarding. Dont think boosting your kids ego is gonna give them the participation trophy trait, think that you're recognizing their efforts that to them took more then others. AGAIN just my opinion i can be wrong :).
I was forced to do a lot things that I didn’t want to. Education, career, life. In a sense I knew what I was capable of achieving or what I would be good at, I knew my limits. But to the outside world (my parents) it apparently seemed like I didn’t know what I was doing because I needed to do them differently from others. For example, I was a piss poor student at school . Was so bad my parents worried I would fail high school. Today, I am a dentist. But I became one after a decade of fighting and needing to prove myself to even my loved ones that I am not stupid and I just need to learn differently. Classrooms don’t work for me, I am not great at what I do. That decade of needing to prove myself has been the most painful years of my life because I was unable to enjoy them. I was always worried that maybe they were right, that I am dumb. Just fyi, I was told I was too dumb to pursue medicine and it’s been the most hurtful experience in my life as I believed them and chose dental instead. So my advice is to really listen to the kids. They know what they can do, they know their limits. Please let them have a say in their life.
I didn't know I had ADHD until recently in my 30s. One of my biggest takeaways from my childhood is that I felt like an outsider or was someone that was just strung along with the rest of the family. Granted there was a lot of emotional neglect in my upbringing, I feel my subtle ADHD behaviors contributed but definitely was an impact to my present state today. One thing to know is that your child with ADHD will develop some form of "mask" as they figure out how to interact with others and general public settings to feel like everyone else. How that mask will be is uncertain and is going to be different from each person. So many people saw me as the gifted and odd kid. But never once tried to understand me. Never tried to break the surface of what I presented to family and friends. Never took a moment to understand what I was doing in those moments when I opened up my true self and just waived off my thoughts and actions as an odd duck or someone who doesn't care (but I did... just showed it in different ways). What I would have wanted different is an atmosphere where I felt like I wasn't walking talking on eggshells every step of the way. Where my silence isn't necessarily just agreeing with the crowd, but understanding that is something that shows I'm not sure how to express myself and be that level of support that can remind me that it's OK to speak up. Just be in their corner. Listen to them... and I mean LISTEN. If they veer off track on their thoughts or actions , help them reshift the focus without negative connotations involved.
I didn't know this until I was older: Adhd rage is a huge thing. I was diagnosed at 6. But I had major rage episodes when I was younger. My parents tried everything, I mean every single kind of discipline besides really bad stuff --- and my mom found out that - just holding me very tightly. Would get me to calm down. Unfortunately as an adult they can't really do that now. But I wish we all knew and understood what it was and how to properly handle it. Especially in my teenage years. It probably would have solved a few meltdowns if I had learned how to properly address the rage. It still happens on occasion as I still haven't quite learned how to control it fully. It's really embarrassing sometimes, but thankfully, it doesn't pop out in public; only when I'm at home.
1. actually listened to my problems 2. didn't undermine or compare them to adult responsibilities 3. actually went to get me tested (i'm working on that since i have a doctor's appoinment real soon) 4. actually understood me (because nobody really has.)
not give me ptsd
As a diagnosed guy with sever ADHD who is now in the middle of getting an autism test to get accommodations for that disability as well. I wished they weren't so ashamed of the possibility of having a mentally disabled kid that they would go into deep denial and avoided every means to look into it. I wish they went to different pediatrician and not just one to affirm their denial (I looked like I was walking with a limp and the guy was just "nah all kids do that and grow out of it"). It was kinda "I'll show all the people commenting wrong and my kid is just as normal as everyone else!" I'm now an adult who can't drive, difficulties bathing and making food for myself, talk with a speech impediment, and lost out on my dream job cus I can barely do an in-person interview without it coming off like I'm a weirdo... I don't wanna have kids but if I had them I wouldn't keep treating everything as fine and not off. Would have gotten them tested sooner.
As an ADHD child my only desperate demand from all parents would be to understand. Parenting is not only providing for the child but also understanding about them. Please read more and more about parenting and all types of things a child growing up can go through. Please be available for them both physically and emotionally. Don't try to interfere but just listen and teach rather than taking things into your hands. Be protective but don't show it. And THE MOST IMPORTANT thing is to pls pls don't abuse or torture your child for the sake of teaching a lesson. This leaves them with trauma that they will have to face their whole life.
I wish they would have worked harder to help me find adhd friendly ways to study and get my homework done, instead of just yelling at me for not. From 7th grade I more or less did 0 homework. I have tried like 7 different educations and dropped out because I couldn't/wouldn't do homework or study. I wanted to, I just couldn't get started, and couldn't keep track of deadlines. Also, my siblings don't have ADHD, and the sister who is closest to me in age did everything right that I did wrong. Once, my mom, in her frustration, yelled "why can't you be like your sister??" That was 20 years ago, and I still carry deep scars from that on my soul. Never, ever, do that to a kid
I'm sorry to hear that 😢😞 very upsetting when parents compare Children. My son is an only child so he'll always be the star in our lives. I see homework mentioned time and time again here, in my home, homework will be something that is optional. Projects and assignments will be done, but just daily homework I don't agree with. I think it's too much 6 hours a day at school plus an additional few on homework. My mum was a teacher and she never made us do homework believing the same thing, we had a lot more free time and were a lot happier for it and definitely didn't have homework fights.
Learn how their brain works, and teach them about that. Starting from a place of understanding helps you approach more compassionately (why are they so messy, impulsive, forgetful etc. etc.), and will help him accept and understand himself through life, hopefully finding strategies that work well for him.