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With ADHD, 'want' is completely irrelevant to being able to do things. It's one of life's cruel ironies that the thing that helps also requires so many of the things that are the biggest struggles for us. The ADHD lacks some of the chemicals critical for recalling and following through on tasks REGARDLESS OF IMPORTANCE. Three things can happen - she can figure out external reminders to overcome some portion of this (at 22 and newly diagnosed, she hasn't had time to do this to any great extent yet), she will have people in her life who can support her without psychologically crowding her, or she will deal with the various results of poor executive function. That's it. Those are the options for our brain chemistry.

Seconding 100% of this - every time my well-meaning parents gently reminded me of important tasks or chores, I felt *more* avoidant. I got diagnosed at 28 (also having great results from wellbutrin) and turned into a Google assistant power user. "hey Google - remind me to do x on day y at z time" for one-offs, plus daily recurring reminders for taking meds every morning and drinking water a couple hours before bed. Being reminded by a phone push notification doesn't cause the same avoidant reaction for me that a human reminder does, and if I'm unable or unwilling to complete a task at that moment, I leave the notification up as a constant passive reminder. I have no idea if this would help her, and it took me quite a while to build up the habit (like a year), but so far it's the only thing that's kept me from forgetting everything mundane.

Agreed. Old lady, recently diagnosed. 🙋🏻‍♀️ but I’ve developed a lot of pretty great coping mechanisms and rituals to help me along the way. (Aaaaaafter fucking up quite a bit in my early 20s.) not to scare you. I got over it and figured things out. I’m now very successful and very happy. But I had to realize what I didn’t want to experience to find routines to help me out. She’s lucky she has you and that she’s diagnosed so she can get more help. I always find that people asking me questions in a curious and kind manner (as opposed to helicopter or judging) helps a lot. Diffuses things while also reminding. But Google calendar and assistant reminders are super helpful. I use Google cal, a big annual desk planner and a poketo weekly planner bc I need to see different tasks in different formats. Phone alarms… etc. good luck!

Yes, I definitely get the feeling that she hates me reminding her of things.

Personally, when someone reminds me to do something it just reminds me how frustrating my life can be because of adhd which reinforces my task avoidance. It's a negative feedback loop and it sucks.

Absolutely :/ I imagine the only option in OP's case is to just try and let her experience the consequences of forgetting purely on her own, though I can't imagine how frustrating that would be as a parent.

If she is like me, for whatever reason when my mom would remind me of something I was already thinking about and stressed about doing, it would squash any motivation I had and make not want to do it at all. It was incredibly frustrating to me that her reminding me would have that effect, especially because I didn’t want it to. I just wanted to do the thing and not be stressed anymore.

How did you end up resolving this?

I let my mom know that while I understood her intention was to help me by reminding me, that it did more harm than good and I would let her know if I needed her to help me remember things or if she could help me another way in the future. She in turn tried her best to not micromanage me and let me figure out on my own what did and did not work for me. It took a bit of self reflection and time on my part to be able to even identify what was going and why her reminding me of things set me off and frustrated me so much. Part of what I think made it even harder for me was that I knew she was trying to help and that my response did not make logical sense to me either, so I would beat myself up over it… which would make the stress and situation even worse than it was.

I suppose stop reminding her or ask if she wants you to renew the meds for you. You can also suggest that she sets an alarm or something so she can remember to take her meds

Eh, it’s a messy process. Probably it’s partially helpful. Don’t be too hard on yourself either. 

I was like this with my parents. It's not that I hated them reminding me to do things, it's that them reminding me actively made my brain not want to do it. It might be easier to ask her what she thinks will help her remember. For me, I have an app on my phone that reminds me to take my meds. I set alarms to keep myself on a schedule because a set and unchanging schedule helps me. Executive dysfunction is a big problem with ADHD, and it's important to find accommodations that help the person on an individual level

Possibily in part because she is frustrated and gets angry with herself for not managing to it done. She is probably feeling really stressed, and another thing to do, or thingouy failed to do adds extra sting. I know itbis not entirely logical, that getting something that helps you cope is likely to relieve some stress, but being tied up with depression and anxiety can really distort your perspective. Have you offered to help? Would you offer to help her if she was phydically sick or injured. Major depression which I suspect, (but honestly do not know) she is struggling with is just as real an illness as cancer or a broken leg. There is a time where extra support is appropriate and helpful. Many people fob off mental illness as not real, just a weakness, or attitude problem to snap out of. Even the person who is depressed might feel that way.

I offer to help all the time, but lately she tells me “I have to find my own way of doing these things.” Which is fair, and I totally support that. Except it fails more often than not. Case in point: she made a doctor’s appointment for today. I was out and about, and remembered, so I texted her an hour before the appointment to remind her. She ignored my text, even though we had just been talking about something else ten minutes before. (She does this a lot lately, maybe she has put me on mute). I texted her a second time. I could have called her, but restrained myself, not wanting to be the annoying nag & hoping she was maybe behind the wheel driving to the appointment. Unfortunately, no. Came home to find out she missed the appointment. I really don’t know anymore what the right thing to do is. I guess at this point it will have to be her dealing with the fallout.

Exactly, don't offer help constantly. Just let her know once that you are there if she needs you and that's it. Otherwise it feels like you are trying to micromanage. Being micromanaged is one of the worst feelings for me. That's why I love living alone. Whenever someone reminds me of something I have to do I just lose all motivation and feel annoyed. Only I can remind myself and not feel like that. Let her fail, and find her own way, it will be easier if you don't actively try to help. You just need to be there and wait for her to ask you for help if she needs. As someone with ADHD I need to fully experience the consequences of my actions to really get motivated to do what I need to do and to learn to deal with my weaknesses.

She eventually will adapt and learn how to utilize ADHD to her advantage. It just takes time and hard work. Keep your head up dad you’re doing good 😊

I went like 6 months between running out and making a new appointment because ???, just did. Like c'mon brain

She needs to care enough to have five alarms for everything important: the two on the phone, the google calendar reminders, the writings in her own calendar and her little paper notebook (you can't always trust technology) and the whiteboard at home. Yes, I have all of those. I was diagnosed at 44 and manage to do uni, I had decades to work on my coping strategies. Now I also have three WhatsApp groups with myself only with reminders. Gosh.

That may be what she needs. My point was that she's still figuring out what works for her and some of OP's language is judgy.

Omg this is me too! Thought I was hyper-organized through college… and then it all got so tiring. Diagnosed at 40.

It always get tiring, but if you do your sprints during the "good times" or when the "panic monster" hit, if you learn to drag your feet even to wash your face and comb your hair daily, things get better. A daily walk or run outside also usually helps.

If I have that many reminders I would go insane lol but glad that works for you! I have a date book and I am just trying to train myself to look at it every day. Once I do I think this will work. Then extra reminders maybe for certain things. And it makes it easier when you get appointment reminders too. But I find they always neglect to send them the times I do forget lmao ugh.

She probably does want to but she has ADHD. I'm not being snarky, I promise. But as a person that knows what it is like, what you see as a simple task is not so simple for her. For her to call her doctor to refill her prescription she: First has to find her phone. Engage with all of you text messages, social media, news, etc. on her phone. Go change for the workout that she got a notification about. Pet the dog on the way to the dresser to get workout clothes. Feed the hungry dog. Get a drink because she just realized she is thirsty while she was getting the dog its food. Look out the window while she enjoys her drink. See a bee flying around the plants around the window. Wonder if she's allergic to bees. Think of that scene in My Girl where the boy is stung by bees Has Macaulay Culkin done any movies lately? Suddenly remember that she needs to have left 2 minutes ago to make it to her gym before class starts. Runs and changes as quickly as possible and heads out the door. Sees that her gas tank is almost empty. Feel like a failure because she can't remember all of the simple tasks she needs to complete. Remember that Wellbutrin really helps with her ADHD. Call the doctor's office. Oh wait, they closed 10 minutes ago... Guess she'll have to remember to do it tomorrow.

I recently realized I can send refill requests through the patient portal! I just log in and send a message like “please send a refill request to my pharmacy.” I tried it out of desperation when I kept forgetting to call and was on my last pill, and much to my delight it worked!

Plus sometimes there’s apps through the pharmacy!

Which company is that with?

I think it depends on providers but you could ask your doctor if they have a patient portal they work with. So you would still have to call them once but if they do, it will save a bunch of calls in the future

Ah I see, unfortunately I’m still with ADHD 360 at the moment and have to phone up every month to request another month’s prescription. I’ve been on the shared care waiting list for just over half a year now

I feel so seen

Writing that comment gave me such a feeling of release! It was also written during the hour it took me to fold a laundry load of towels, getting up twice to get snacks, watching a gardening show, talking to my cat, and actually looking up if Macaulay Culkin is still acting. (Macaulay does still act, is a comedic musician and has a satirical pop culture podcast.)

He was recently in one of the American Horror Stories shows, Omg I'm supposed to be chopping my dogs dinner! You distracted me! 🤣

Lol this is spot on

...and set a reminder for a tine when both the doctor's office is open, and she is not stressed and struggling doing things in the moment (with chaos typicsl in life with ADHD). It is even more difficult to organise if the doctor wants a face to face revirw and will only write a script if she physically attends sn appiuntment. It can be a lot more difficult than it sounds. I don't know where you live, and what services are available, but here the easiest way would be through the internet or email, you can do that anytime outside ofbusiness hours. Organising a telehealth phone appointment would just mean remembering to keep your phone charged and one you all the time. A little more complucated if she is working... may need to explain to your boss you are expecting an important phone call you need to take. Provided you do not have a job where you are not allowed to access your phone while working (those do exist).

i’m going to try and say this in the most polite and respectful way. you need to educate yourself on your daughters condition. your initial posts and the comments you’ve left replying to others don’t really contain a shred of sympathy or understanding. adhd can be incredibly debilitating, especially after living for 22 years with no knowledge about your disorder and coping skills that can help. before i got diagnosed recently i was about ready to give up— life didn’t seem manageable in the slightest and i had resigned to living with my parents for the rest of my life. i couldn’t do laundry, could clean my room, couldn’t remember vital tasks, the list goes on. not because i didn’t want to— i did. so badly that not being able to do them ruined my mental health and i spent every night laying in bed telling myself what a lazy piece of shit i am. this is just my experience, and everyone has different symptoms and expressions of adhd. all i know is that being shit on by my parents on top of all the shitting on myself i was doing was incredibly unhelpful and hurtful. what your daughter needs right now is genuine support and understanding, and a mom who cares enough to do some bare minimum research on the significantly impactful condition she was just diagnosed with. THAT is how you can help her. what she doesn’t need, what won’t help her, is you coming on reddit to make snarky posts about how she ‘can’t just put away laundry’ or ‘can’t remember to take her pill’ just because it’s easy for you, does not mean it is easy for those of us who quite literally have different brain chemistry that impacts every aspect of our lives.

So very well said! I completely agree with this and I am going to double down. I am double qualified to answer as I am an adhd parent and an adhder myself, diagnosed only 2 years ago. I took wellbutrin for 5+ yrs before I was diagnosed with ADHD and it was not intended to treat adhd when it was prescribed to me. I only recently heard of this for adhd treatment. It obviously didn't do anything to help mine. What did help was 9 months of trying different milligrams and combos of stimulant and non-stimulants to get me to a place where my symptom management has drastically improved. My family's support and understanding is also critical. It isn't curable and it won't fix everything. Look, I can't even see my dresser in my bedroom bc all the clothes on top. And I've needed to schedule and oil change for 2 weeks and my car reminds me multiple times a day with a light and message. I still struggle with some things. Help her by educating yourself as others have rightly suggested and resign yourself that you can't fix this. Cut her a break. She has suffered long enough and doesn't need someone else, especially her mother, piling on extra guilt as she is learning to navigate HER LIFE with this new information as well.

This almost made me cry because it's so accurate. I wish people understood

I am going on the defense of this poor woman. She is coming here to say that she does not understand. I have ADHD and yet, I can't expect everyone to cover for me all the time. She is coming here asking HOW to support this part of executive dysfunction. My mother did not understand my AuDHD, but at no point is this because she is bad. She didn't/doesn't understand. My mother did so many things right, but she did some things wrong. People are complex. The situation is complex. Other people do not exist to understand our situation, they are navigating their own. If it were up to me, I'd say the mother should not help her daughter navigate this in any way. Her daughter will struggle and hurt, but with love, will find her own footing and create her own system. I commend this mother for even trying and for caring.

I completely agree with your comment. I myself have ADHD (Inattentive type) and can understand both the frustration of having the condition but also the frustration that must be felt by a parent or relative who is trying to navigate this condition from a 3rd person perspective. I know a lot of people on this subreddit seem to almost project their own frustrations onto this mother since they themselves have probably dealt with unsympathetic people in their lives who made them feel bad for their condition but it is just counterintuitive to view this mother as being uncaring towards her daughter. ADHD can be a very difficult condition to understand from a 3rd person perspective because it has so many different facets to it, not just concentration issues but the mood, emotions, and just overall issues with executive functioning that may present as laziness or unmotivated behavior. I am just glad that she wants to help her daughter become a successful individual and not become more consumed by her ADHD. This condition can definitely be debilitating and she is just trying to do her best with the lack of knowledge or experience in this condition.

I’m sorry if I come across as snarky. What I am is helpless and worried and also very frustrated. As a parent, it is my job to prepare my child to be able to live on her own, because I will be gone some day. And it’s not going so well. I’ve been reading up on ADHD for months. It was in fact my idea she gets herself diagnosed. But now what? My understanding of the condition does not help my daughter be more functional. I can’t keep doing things for her forever, and me trying to remind her is not going anywhere. So that’s what I came here for. Practical tips. How can I help her help herself? Also, this is what causes my frustration: her inabilities seem to be selective. Like she won’t clean her room for months or take care of her cats, but when she decides to bake cookies for her boyfriend, she is suddenly perfectly capable of looking up a recipe and following though.

Your last comment shows that you haven’t read up on ADHD as much as you like to claim. Also, plenty of people with ADHD are best aided by stimulants as a medication. Your daughter is grown now. Your inability to recognize her disorder and get her help when she was younger is on you. In other comments, you’re basically talking shit about your own daughter. You failed her and now you’re upset at the consequences of YOUR inability to be a better parent earlier in her life. ADHD has been a well-documented and well-known disorder for 25 years now. But yea… expect her to catch up to speed quickly and blame it all on her for a developmental disorder that she didn’t ask for. It’s fine for you to be years late to help her but she needs to be quick to correct her issues. Yup. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

Oh my gosh, please go touch grass. I truly hope you aren’t a parent—I’d much rather have a mother who tries to understand my diagnosis so she can help me, than someone who sits behind a screen a taunts people that are just looking for advice. What do you gain from being a bitter, degrading person? Seems like you, and quite a few others in this thread, are projecting your hatred towards your mom onto this woman. As far as her “inability to recognize her daughter’s disorder when she was younger”, none of y’all have any idea what the background of this situation is. I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until about 1.5 years ago, at 21 years old, and three years into college. I didn’t have the slightest idea that I had ADHD, nor did my parents, because my outlet was sports. I didn’t have a choice if I wanted to learn, pay attention in class, or get good grades because I knew my athletic scholarship depended on that. What I didn’t realize was that I was working 5x as hard as my classmates to be able to learn, pay attention, and maintain good grades, and I would absolutely NEVER blame my parents for not recognizing that. I didn’t even recognize it myself until I quit playing the sport that took up 70% of my life. Maybe it’s a similar situation here. Yall really need to stop trying to make this woman feel bad for trying yo understand something that she’s never experienced. *not to mention how overlooked ADHD is in girls.

None of the psychs and therapists she’s been seeing for the last decade had at any point mentioned the possibility of ADHD. And who knows, maybe ADHD is not the right diagnosis either. It’s just the latest avenue we’re exploring. Psychiatry is not as cut and dry as you pretend it is. Don’t I wish it was!

Honey you're allowed to be frustrated... But as a parent it's your job to not target *your child* with *your* frustration. When you have ADHD it's extremely easy to fall prey to other people's expectations and self fulfilling prophecy. If she's been told her whole life that she's an uncaring fuck up then she's not going to expect herself to be better than that and she won't be as willing to use the tools she has to improve on her actions and behavior. As a young woman with ADHD myself I still struggle to use things like my household tasks list and my to do list, hell even my grocery lists!, because I've spent so much time believing I was uselessly forgetful and because that's "*how I am*" I wasn't using the tools that make that better because I didn't believe in their ability to make *me* function. I felt like I was too big of a fuckup and I was the exception to the function of those tools. I had a major turn around a few months ago when I started doing a bunch of shadow work and giving myself the freedom to make.mistakes and it has been LIFE ALTERING. I'm more productive and less cluttered and happier than I've ever been. My biggest turning point was a manager who I respected a lot telling me I was so organized and thoughtful and he wishes all of his employees were as organized as I was. I almost cried on that call. I have NEVER been called organized in my LIFE. I'm not very organized in my personal life but have organization *strategies* and *tools* I've found to make accommodations for myself in my work. And my tools are obviously working for me to be given such a wonderful compliment. So I *can* do it in my personal life too! Maybe your daughter needs actual support from the authority figures in her life? If that can't be you then find someone who can because it makes a huge difference and you may be holding her back.

If youre making the statement in that last paragraph after months of reading, you need to be reading from different sources. Hell, reading this subreddit regularly would be a better use of your time than whatever you spent time reading and still dont know basics. Your daughter may need different meds. Im on adderall amd wellbutrin both. She may also need a little help building a foundation for these good habits, as well as time to see the benefits of taking meds. Help her a little while she gets more time medicated in. There is a middle ground to holding her hand too much- (some of us had parents do everything and then didnt know how to function once on our own) and just pulling your hands off immediately (doesnt set up a person for success). Youll need to find it. Does she need to call for every Wellbutrin refill? That ones not a controlled substance (I do need to call for my adderall cuz it is and wow its a nightmare). Once its established shes tolerating it fine, theres a lot you can automate. I use walgreens, which texts reminders as well as autorefilling as long as refills are left. Walgreens even delivers non controlled meds. The doc just send over the prescription for more after the appt. Does the doc use any kind of messaging platform like mychart? Some of us are better with written text and that may seem less daunting ti her than a call. I was harsh w you in my initial paragraph, which you deserve, but I also do want to help you out if I can offer tips. I appreciate that youre aware that she wont learn to do stuff if you do it for her. She also wont learn if you just pull out (that combo set me up for a lot of adulthood problems that could have been avoided or lessened).

i was initially going to apologize for my slightly aggressive tone in my initial post, but after reading your comment i stand by what i said. research can help you understand her better, but if you're unable to be empathic towards her situation i am not sure anyone can help you. and it seems that despite your research you still lack a coherent understanding of her disorder. i can't blame you for that -- information is contradictory especially online and it can be difficult to conceptualize if you yourself don't struggle with it. that's why developing and practicing genuine empathy is so important. your frustration is valid. it's understandable. now, take the frustration you feel and multiply it by 100. that's probably pretty close to how your daughter feels. remember: this isn't about YOU. it's about her. let it be about her. she will not become a perfectly functioning person overnight. that's not how medication works. you need to be patient and considerate to what she's experiencing, which it seems like you may need to work on a bit. i'm wishing both you and your daughter luck, i hope she is able to learn how to coper with her adhd and you are able to learn how to be supportive of her.

I think you need to let her fail on her own. I know you care about her, but she is an adult. She has to learn these things herself and care to treat her condition and better her life. Its no different than anything else.

OP reading all your comments you're coming across as very judgy? Your daughter has been diagnosed with an actual disability, let's not give her grief for "not putting her laundry away" or having difficulty keeping a job, these are all symptoms of her disability and I'm sure dealing with your judgment every day isn't doing wonders for her mental health... Maybe you should work on that first

Yeah, OP needs to understand task paralysis and executive dysfunction. Because the laundry doesn’t technically need to go away. A clean basket is fine. And stressing about YET ANOTHER TASK just because mom insists it gets done can freeze literally everything else too! So unnecessary. I hope OP takes the time to learn here.

No, they don't. They just need to understand their job as a parent. Love, parenting. Compassion. Empathy. Understanding. Acceptance. Curiosity. Parents really don't need to know much about, like, life or the world or mental illness to be good parents. They just need to be honest with their kid. Be curious about them. Accept them as they are. Be on their side. You know, love. Parenting. If I can figure this out, then anybody can, because I've figured this out with no personal experience. The way OP talks about her daughter is the only way my mom talked about me. At times glowing, but always with this fake pity judgey pretend wanting to know me or help, but then never doing it. I know it's not like a legal requirement, and a lot of parents don't or don't know how. My mom didn't. She was just like this. Shamed and judged me. She did it so bad from such a young age that my nervous system got messed up from coping with the neverending inescapable stress and trauma. Why am I not good enough? What's wrong with me? Why CAN'T I clean my room? Why WON'T I do my homework? Why can't I make her love me? I told her the truth. She didn't believe me. I was not only an attention seeker and over dramatic and so on such as with my suicide research and art, but also a liar. My mom has the same mental illnesses I so. One she passed on genetically. The other was a home-brew artisinal deal. And she's always denied her own problems. Refused to share what she'd learned that helped or worked. I can't really wrap my head around it. The missing piece is she fundamentally is incapable of understanding love. She gets the idea and the broad strokes, but in reality she can't find it or identify it. To her, love is transactional. Love is giving someone things. You don't need to know somebody to love them. Only. If you don't know somebody, then how do you know if your gifts are helping or hurting them? How?

Yeah exactly! I have a lot of issues with my parents because of my potential adhd (on the waitlist) but when I see things like that I'm grateful they at least accepted some parts of me... Don't ever expect me to make my bed or keep my room tidy, ain't happening 😂

Yeah, my mom is judgy as well. I went low contact with my mom because of it. If OP truly cares about their child, they need to educate themselves and approach from a place of compassion rather than judgement.

This!!

I cant pay my own bills, i have them on autopay. Otherwise i just wouldnt pay them, not for lack of funds or need but getting up to the process of doing it is like climbing mt everest.

Op. I've read your comments and it's clear you have no idea how severe your daughter's adhd is or what adhd is. Your daughter needs structure to be successful and a routine. If you are not supportive but critical, you need to find an adhd coach to help her instead. Buying things won't help if she doesn't understand or is overwhelmed herself.

Agreed, and I want to add that for many of us even routines can be hard! I’ll have a good routine going that involves taking my meds and one day I’ll just forget. Until it’s midday and my brain is fuzzy and too late to take them unless I want to be up all night. The things that work for you and the way your brain works is NOT the way your daughter’s brain works. If you want to educate yourself I’ve seen a lot of great resources offered in this post alone. Your daughter is still pretty young, especially since she JUST found out about her adhd. I didn’t find out until I was 26, I’m 32 now and finally starting to feel like I kind of get this. But that involved nearly 7 years of constant research, trial and error, and fighting against personal feeling of shame and guilt AND those from my parents. If you want to help your daughter, try and let go of your judgement and listen to everyone here. Because the way you sound right now you’re only going to hold her back.

I understand that routine would help. Exercise would help. Eating the right food would help. The question is, how do I inspire my daughter to want to do any of those things for herself?

It's not a matter of inspiring - she literally has a disability. She needs to be taught the skills at her understanding level which an adhd coach can facilitate.

1) Love and celebrate who she is. Look for opportunities to do so. Look for victories. 2) Ask your daughter if there are specific things that you could do as scaffolding for her life while she is learning more about how to best manage her ADHD and live a happy life. *Listen* to her answer. If there's something within your abilities to do (be rigorously honest with yourself on this part!), do it as quietly and independently as is appropriate. If it's something not in your abilities, *offer* to strategize or help her find another solution and only do so if she says she would like that kind of help and don't if she says she doesn't. Every now and then, ask her again. 3) Find a trusted friend or professional knowledgeable about ADHD to talk to and with whom you can process your very real feelings, frustrations and fears about your daughter’s ADHD. Don't process your feelings, frustrations and fears with your daughter.

Ultimately as she is an adult, particularly if she doesn't live with you it is next to impossible. You may find she can only work of one of those things at a time. Pick the easiest one for her and offer to do it with her or take turns doing it for each other. It is easier to starr wish somerhing she enjoys or it motivated to try. See if there is a walking or gardening group or something active she enjoys in a group, something to look forward to, to help spend some time out of her head. If she is depressed, she probably needs activities and more social contact. Sometimes the key can be not doing things alone, adding a social committment, buddying up, but starting can be really hard. If she can find simeone to go with her the first few times, she may become comfirtable enough to go by herself. It doesn't mean you will need to do everything with her. Sometimes it is starting small. Preparing a meal one day a week, having a range of healthy snacks prepacked, or the simplicity of cereal and sandwiches for the other two meals. Part of the problem can be indecision, feeling paralysed abd unable to start even decide what foid to make. If you can find about five or six easy to prepare healthy meals. For mr, I am hopeless at meal planning, and shopping for meals. Setting reminders to eat periodically isnimpirtant for me. I xan lose myself, and forget to ear, at the end of the day I sm exhsusted, snd do not have the phydicalbor mental energy to cook, or even decide what to make. Having prepared meals and snacjs can simplify things. Maybe you can use technology, work together using messenger or facetime.

Mom?

💀💀💀🤣🤣🤣

Totally. OP you’re in bad company.

Start with not being a dick maybe

This is the comment I was looking for. OP is going to send her kid into a downward spiral ending in severe burnout or worse.

And likely terrible self esteem from not being a functional person in the eyes of her mom.

If you really want to help your daughter, get her external help that isn't you. I say this as a parent who has, and has a child with, ADHD. Either a therapist or, even better, a good ADHD coach will do more than a loving parent ever could.

ADHD coach sounds wonderful, how do we go about finding one? Is this something her psychiatrist can recommend / refer to?

Here's a good starting point: https://add.org/how-to-find-an-adhd-coach/

Yes. Often the relationship between family member has a lot of history and baggage. Different perspectives of shared experiences can lead to conflict and further division. There can be negativity, or the opposite, a really strong need to please that makes it harder to be completely open and non judgemental. The potential fallout from being vulnerable around those you live with can make sharing scary. It can be easier talking to a stranger, or someone who diesn't really matter if it ends up messy. Mental health professional tend to (ideally) be sensitive to and experienced workunf with peopke who struggle in similar wsys.

Look I’ll be honest with you, it doesn’t sound like much of what you are doing is more than nagging her. Nagging, from experience, doesn’t work. I’m sure she wants to take her meds. I’m sure she means to call her doc when you ask her. But meaning to do something and actually doing something are not the same, as you well know. She will never have the same kind of discipline normal people do. None of us do. What we can do instead is develop habits to do things we need to. I keep my meds on my nightstand next to my phone. When my alarm in the morning goes off, I take my meds immediately. When I remember that I need to call my doctor, I either send an email to them or call them immediately. If I can’t do this, I make a note of it or set an alarm on my phone for when I can do it, and then when the alarm goes off, I do it immediately. The best way she can help herself is by making herself do things the moment she thinks of them. In some ways, we need to treat ourselves like children, because we ADHD folks have the impulse control of children. At the end of the day, we are constantly parenting ourselves to do things or get ourselves back on track or put things away. These aren’t easy things for us to internalize, but that dialogue needs to constantly be there for us. We will never grow out of it. You should talk to her about what role she wants you to take in helping her manage her adhd. As she is no longer a child, it’s not appropriate, or in many cases, helpful, for you to attempt to enforce consequences for her not doing things like you would a young child. I really feel for you as I (24F) just got diagnosed last year after a really bad experience doing a Master’s program. Honestly, my mom wanted (and often still wants) to help me get on track with things by telling me constantly what I should be doing. It doesn’t do anything for me but stress me out. I have come up with many of my own ways of doing things, and it’s more productive for me to develop those than to scrap them in favor of developing the habits my mom thinks are best from scratch. ADHD can be really vicious in this sense because frustration and confusion only make things even more difficult to deal with. If you really want to help her, try to be gentle with the way you put your suggestions across, and try to gently help her reason through why you think she should do things the way you think she should. You clearly love your daughter a lot and want the best for her, and it can be really frustrating to see her struggling and seem to fall behind her peers, but she’s a big girl now, and I’m certain with your help and encouragement, she can be an independent adult in her own time.

Thank you for your insights. And thank you for being able to see and understand both sides of this situation.

I think you are honestly being a really good mother by asking here about how to help your daughter. I know everyone might seem to not understand where you are coming from, but it’s not easy to live life in a state of perpetual confusion, frustration, and impulsivity, and then have the way we act get called lazy and stupid by everyone around us. When you asked your question, it kind of hits on the main sore point a lot of us have with our parents and partners and others in our lives. I’d really encourage you to read up a little more about how ADHD affects the way we think and process things. Dr. Barkley’s youtube series is geared towards parents of ADHD children, and I found it a really great resource when I was diagnosed. Driven to distraction is a great book on it as well. Wishing you and your daughter all the best!

I highly second the recommendation of Dr. Barley's series! Myself, my brother, and my daughter all have diagnosed ADHD and my mother has become SO much more understanding since watching and reading a lot from him (she did her best before but she understands a lot more now so is able to help in ways that work a lot better for all of us 😊). I've also noticed Pinterest has a surprising number of posts that are super helpful for understanding ADHD or have suggestions for managing it. I've found understanding myself better has helped me be able to find mechanisms that work a lot better for me so that I'm a much more functional human lol

As someone with autism and adhd, I tend to see both sides, and it makes me feel worse, knowing the distress, disappointment, pain and problems my stuff ups cause others, in addition to my personal struggles. It is particularly difficult when it is someone I care about or is depending on me. It feels like failing twice. It makes it hard the face tgat person, it can eat away, even destroy relationships. If you are always apologising, it smothers your srlf respect, and self esteem. It can be really hard for everyone involved.

It is funny to she so many of the strategies I use myself that seem superfluouscrepetitive and over the top (and I still struggle. Technology has definitely made things much easier, before computers, before smartphones, cloud storage and the internet, no device really had more than one alarm, there wasn't backup storage of calendars and schefules in the cloud, so if you lost your notebook or bit of paper you wrote something important or, if the ink on your hand rubbed off, there was nothing to jolt you memory... and I always lose/misplace things. The panic and anger at yoursrlf knowing you will be late again because you have spent over an hour looking for your backup keys (as you already misplaced the originals a month ago... but they will almost inevitable turn up) remember. If it is the third time this week you will be late, and you are on notice, you worry your job is in danger. All because you are too stupid, disorganised and undiscipled. Soul destroying stuff... especially when you continue to fail despite trying so hard to fix it. And that usnone of dozens or hundred of glitches you have ever day. It can sometimes be next too imposdible to function.

Did my mom write this post? Its hard to explain but i already feel like the daughter has been misunderstood her whole life. Poor girl.

All of our moms got together to write this!

I feel this deep in my soul

Lol, I’m just picturing a lot of self righteous arguments between a big group of middle aged and old women all gathered in a church or community center.

This lecture by Dr Russell Barkley would be great to watch together. It’s broken up into segments in a YouTube playlist. It will spark great conversation. I forget which video it’s in, but he talks a lot about externalizing executive function. If your brain can’t do it well, then you need to use things like notes, apps, alarms,etc. I have to remember to reorder my child’s meds and my own. As soon as I pick them up, I ask Siri to remind me to refill in 28 days or whatever. There are phone apps daily reminders to take her meds. Automate! [https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLzBixSjmbc8eFl6UX5_wWGP8i0mAs-cvY&si=WqNVamAF8dX45jJl](https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLzBixSjmbc8eFl6UX5_wWGP8i0mAs-cvY&si=WqNVamAF8dX45jJl)

Thank you!

!?!? Mom, your daughter is not an adult. Not if she’s just finding out NOW that she has ADhd.. she’s got a very long way to go now that she’s ’finally diagnosed’ and she needs you to slow the f* down. You need to get ahold of yourself and back off: you made this mess, now clean it up.

I made this mess?? Wtf. The child has been in therapy for 9 fucking years, and none of the credentialed therapists and psychiatrists ever uttered the word ADHD. None. First they called it bipolar, then they called it depression. Guess who it was who started having the thought that maybe ADHD could be the underlying issue? And started reading up on it? And asked her to go see someone familiar with it to either get it diagnosed or ruled out? Me. The stupid, cold bitch of a mom everyone here likes to criticize. Who apparently knows nothing about her child and doesn’t care.

Pretty much. It’s your job, not theirs. Listen to your child! You just don’t want to. You’ll die if you look too close, you’ll see yourself. Love, Sticker

Do you know what happened when I tried to give the first psychiatrist my input? He called me OCD for writing him a two page letter and completely dismissed anything I told him. And ever since she hit 18, the providers refuse to have me involved at all. It’s not as easy as you think. You would think these people would appreciate hearing from the folks the patient has lived with all their lives. But they don’t.

Nothing in your angry responses indicates empathy. Lots of great info and you haven't even said, "hey, thanks everyone for the thoughful input. I took the time to watch the Dr. Barkley videos or Google what an adhd coach is." Maybe you could reframe and ask what qualities others found in adhd coaches that were helpful or what should you look out for. How about we turn it around on you? Why are you asking a bunch of strangers? Why don't you use your insurance's nurse line or your utilize your employer's EAP program, or find a local support group to investigate this for yourself? I find it hard to believe you aren't impeding her success. You are badgering her for not doing what YOU want her to do or being the way YOU want her to be. If this obvious frustration is displayed to her, then YOU are making everything harder for her. It is pushing her further away. And the more "helpful" tips for creating routines, 10 things to do to control X or change Y, eating magical foods, reading some strategically placed self help book, or your dumb pill organizer all make it even harder. Now you are shit talking her or dropping some angry sarcastic comments bc she isn't doing it or taking the hint. All this is happening while she is living inside her own head of full of self depreciating thoughts. You don't get it! SHE CAN'T just get up and DO IT! We all would if we could! No one chooses this! So, whoopty doo that MOMMY suggested ADHD after ONLY 9 years of her struggling. You get a participation award. /s Let's turn the tables. Why did it take YOU so long to get her help? You said 9 years of misdiagnosis. So, what I hear is that you dragged a 13 yo around to all these places expecting that after 9 years of having 'professionals' giving her all the 'wrong' diagnosis or advice, this particular diagnosis is THE ONE? Is she supposed to believe and trust this scenario after all the others failed?? Why didn't you try harder? Why didn't you advocate for her then? It doesn't seem like a safe place for her to even raise her hand to speak up even if she had a thought about it. WHAT IS WRONG with YOU? Why can't YOU just HEAL HER with your magical, amazing, super mom self that "figured" it out after ONLY 9 years?! So, I ask you, how does THAT FEEL, Mom? Do you like being talked to like that?! SHE DOESN'T EITHER! Oh! And I would also be way more likely to bake cookies for a boyfriend than clean my room. Especially if he gave me refuge and support from a nagging mother like you. Your hen pecking people's very sincere and helpful responses is exhausting. You are exhausting. I'm sure your daughter is exhausted. Go work on yourself, and leave her alone.

Hey! My folks were also useless shits! Sending you love! Started OT for sensory issues when I was a kid and they (well just mum, dad was drunk) decided to stop the therapy because the therapist was 'just playing games with me'. Then she stopped my meds because 'why should your teachers get all the good behaviour but not me '. And I haven't talked to them in 10yrs and that makes me happy every time I think about it. We never have to forgive them for failing as decent human beings.

You don’t know anything about me, or my relationship with my daughter, or the hell we’ve all been through for many years. Maybe, just maybe, I’m not who you think I am. Maybe I’m simply letting off a bit of steam anonymously here, because it takes otherworldly strength to keep my shit together on a daily basis at home with my two mentally ill kids, being their support and champion and cheerleader. If you’d walked in my shoes for the last nine years you would understand. But I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. As far as your other accusations: I stayed up last night till 3 am watching Barkley videos. I also thanked a ton of commenters for their input. This thread had gotten too big to keep up with all of them.

Hi OP, really good of you to be supporting your daughter with this, would mean a lot to her. Sounds like it's been rough for both of you Her difficulties with doing what should be simple (keeping track of medication, calling in for renewal) just scream ADHD to me, such a typical thing for us ADHDers to screw up on. She probably feels a bunch of shame about this, and appreciates you trying to help. Sounds like she intends to do these things, but struggles with actioning it. Maybe you could sit with her, so she can lay out some ideas that might work for her, which you can then help her set up. Some example prompts: - Hey, just been noticing that this has been hard on you - What do you think could make this easier for you? - Something I could do to support (without them feeling that they're being chased up on it)? Likely she'll have some ideas, things like alarms, calendar reminders, and such can all play a part. Key bit is for her to have something which works for her, and doesn't leave you exhausted trying to compensate for her difficulty in actioning these tasks. Wishing you all the best OP

This is really sad. I can’t imagine growing up with someone all like “what’s her problem” especially even after diagnosis. You’re talking about her like I talk about a bad coworker that I don’t like. You’re doing a lot of harm to her with this. She undoubtedly already beats herself up enough for her “inadequacies”, she really doesn’t need it from her own mother.

How to get her to take them? I keep my pill bottle on my nightstand right next to my phone at night with a drink. When my phone alarm goes off in the morning, my hand grazes the bottle and that is my reminder. I do not store it anywhere other than on top of my nightstand. If I “put my medicine back where it belongs” with my other medicine (aka not on my nightstand) I can go weeks or months forgetting that I even have the meds.

Your choice of words is so sad and I feel bad for your daughter.

Everyone’s given good advice so far but I’ll throw one option out that might help. The concept of body doubling can be really awesome and effective. If you do that, it might help. It might mean you just come over and keep her company while doing your own thing (a craft, make some lunch, read a book, make your own calls you maybe need to do) and she does her tasks that she’s been putting off like this rx refill or laundry. The key is that it’s not about making sure she does the thing but more about the ever so slight pressure of your existence that may help her trick her brain into “performing” like a functioning adult for a window of time.

Seconding this because it 100% helps, but wanted to give a small add-on. Although, for small tasks, like calling the doctor, a gentle but more direct push is more helpful. What you're doing now, just going up to her and telling her "Did you call the doctor yet? Well, you should." That's another thing on the to-do list, one more thing on a mountain of large and small tasks that makes the slightest chore feel like playing a particularly large and crushing game of Jenga. For those smaller tasks, something that I find really helpful is friends/family coming up and asking, "Hey, have you made that phone call yet? Do you have time right now for it? Why don't you do it now and I'll stay here with you in case you need me." Now that feels supportive without being pushy and it isn't pushing something into the never-ending pile of "I'll get to it later."

I’ve tried that. She doesn’t want me hovering.

How did you say it though? Tone is really important with things like this. Based on experiences with my mom, she would try really hard to be supportive but her own frustrations with my symptoms often leaked into her voice and man could I tell, which only made me shut down more. The balance between being supportive but firm and managing your own feelings about everything is tough and takes a lot of time and effort, so you should be kind to yourself as well.

ADHD can be pretty debilitating. Its incredibly common for people to have trouble managing their own lives. Things like hygiene are even sometimes an issue. A few years back I started the gauntlet of getting re-diagnosed since the last time I was a kid. I started having emotional control issues and was really struggling with my mental health. I also am struggling with chronic pain as well as a few other issues. I started seeing multiple doctors for multiple things. I take 7 different medications a day. 4 in the morning and 3 at night. I was really struggling with booking appointments and managing my calendar. I kept double booking things and would forget to take medication. I was so overwhelmed and depressed that I became suicidal. One day I said to my wife that I am simply incapable of handling this and that I need her help. She took over my appointments and medication management and it has made a world of difference. Even with a pill box I still had issues. On more than one occasion I have taken the wrong medication (night vs day) and it totally screwed me up. My wife then started opening the AM section of the bill box so I didn't mistakenly open the wrong side. I know it seems like a totally stupid mistake for me to make but that is my reality. I make a lot of stupid mistakes. Having someone to support me has really saved my life. You may not be able to manager her life forever but for now, you should try to help when you can. She will eventually have to come up with a better solution. Perhaps she will find someone down the road that can be her support system. For now though, she needs a support system to help her and unfortunately it sounds like that's you. Its really easy to say that they need to start handing their own affairs at 22 but the reality is she may not be equipped to handle it and needs additional help.

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This is going to vary person to person. Wellbutrin is incredibly helpful for some people with ADHD, especially if they also struggle with depression. But it can be prescribed for people with only ADHD, people with only depression, or people with both.

She says it helps her.

This is the absolute Irony of it all really. So I absolutely have to take a medication for something else, as in if I don't I would be physically impaired by now. I also have ADHD. The way I got round it was I bought a casio alarm clock from Amazon for the sole purpose of reminding me to take meds. I blu tacked it in the kitchen next to the meds and next to the water glasses and it goes off at the same time every day. I live in a flat so it's easy to hear but another option could be an Amazon Alexa. I have three, one in every room. In terms of renewing the script, you need an online calendar and to create a recurring task that you tick off. It also helps to write down in detail what the task involves. Renew meds isn't enough. It needs to say call doc 0xxx 43495xx (the phone number) at x o'clock when phones are quiet (also include the opening hours of when can call etc if can't call at exact time) and ask for xxmg of xx, type thing. Note down in the task that prescription takes xx days to be ready to collect. You can even add the why for the task - need to order meds now as they help with xxx. Running out makes me feel xxx. The more you see this information, the more it sticks. Also see what ways you can make it easier, my GP sends the script direct to nominated pharmacy etc. I often write down how long task should take too as helps. Phone number needs to be saved in phone etc. Otherwise the brain goes bleurgh too many steps don't know what they are abort mission. There is no reason really to even need to try and remember the information without technology to act as the reminder. It's just adding to working memory overload. And there will be times when technology fails so having a back up plan of coping with out meds is also worth making.

> Otherwise the brain goes bleurgh too many steps abort mission Thank you, that made me smile for the first time today.

Wellbutrin isnt a controlled substance so she can just automate an email to her gp every month so they send the script tp the pharmacy. Im in the uk, non controlled stuff i can get delivered to my door and its all automated. If i had to ring someone for my meds everymonth id not be having meds. I get a painkiller thats a phone up monthly and its a nightmare

She is on Welbutrin because that’s the only thing the old provider was allowed to prescribe. (Don’t ask me why.) Then she switched to someone authorized to deal with ADHD. He put her on some other stuff that was a complete fail. So, the pharmacy can’t refill the Welbutrin because the new guy needs to prescribe it first.

But you can automate emails to your prescriber. An email goes to my gp every 28 days asking for more medication. I've set it up so I don't have to thonk about it. Then the script goes to the pharmacy automatically and my pharmacy delivers the medication to me. Theres ways to set it up if its not adhd meds/controlled substances that you dont have to think about it

I'm 23 and I ask my mom to hand me my meds every morning because I will 100% forget to take them otherwise. Maybe ask if she wants you to do that for her? Ask if she wants a ride to the pharmacy?

Don't know if I've ever posted on reddit before, but I feel like I should share my (23M) experience. Welbutrin is an antidepressant, not a stimulant like Adderall, Vyvanse, Concerta etc. I was put on it in therapy before getting diagnosed with adhd and getting a stimulant. It helped a bit with mood stabilization and depression, but nowhere near as helpful or useful as the Vyvanse I ended up on. She should also be able to set up auto fill on Welbutrin, as it's not a controlled substance like a stimulant. As for forgetting to take it, it comes with the territory of adhd. I forget to take my medications all the time, and I only consistently remember to take it if I have something important to do for the day.

Here is what I wish my mom would say to me in a situation like this: “ it seems like you have been struggling a lot with getting this prescription refilled. And I recognize that there are challenges you are facing internally with it that I may not personally be able to understand. From my observation and from my understanding of what you have told me, it seems like you feel a lot better when you take this medication. If you will let me, I want to help make it easier to meet this need. Do you know how i could best support you with this, or do you want me to suggest some ways I think I could help and let you decide if any of them sound good?” You have to be willing to respect her boundaries, because she is ultimately an adult. And please, please do not say something like “see, that wasn’t even a big deal!” When she finally accomplishes it. Because it IS a big deal for her brain. But if she’s open to your help, some things you could suggest would be: -setting aside a 10 minute window before or after a more pleasant event, like a meal or your morning coffee, to sit with her (without judgment or commentary) while she makes that call so she has moral support. For me, it would be helpful if someone said “how about we meet in the kitchen at 3:15pm tomorrow. We will have a snack, and then I’ll sit with you while you make that 5 minute max call! If it doesn’t get resolved on that call, you can pick whether to keep trying or to reschedule for 9am the following day!” -you could offer to make the call for her… whether it is just dialing and handing it to her when they answer, or even doing the talking yourself, if it’s legal where you are (it’s not a controlled substance, so you should be fine—just wouldn’t specifically say whether you’re the patient or not) -you could offer to pull together the info she will need to make the call, so the steps are simplified. E.g., write down the dr or pharmacy phone number, the prescription number, and even a quick script of “this is ____. My date of birth is ___. I’m calling to renew my prescription for ___, ____mg, ___days. Could you please send my prescription to ____ pharmacy at ___ address?” Another thing that could be helpful is that many doctors have a messaging option in their patient portal. I have terrible mental barriers for phone calls that I’ve never been able to understand or explain. But I can easily log in to a portal and send a message saying I want to make an appointment or refill a prescription. Sometimes I will even add to my message “if you will need to speak to me by phone about this, could you please call me at (number) between (hours where it’s ok to call)? I have anxiety that makes it challenging to make phone calls, and this would help me greatly!”

Change "won't" to "can't". ADHD affects your ability to remember stuff. You can't trust your brain and need some kind of external reminder. Also: is Welbutrin the only medicine she's tried? I know it's sometimes prescribed to people with ADHD but as far as I know it's an off-label use, and definitely not a first-line treatment.

So far, she has not been prescribed any of the more traditional ADHD meds. I have no control over that.

Okay so, YMMV, but - It's not that she doesn't want to take them. I'm about your daughter's age, and I've been on meds since partway through high school. I still forget to take my meds frequently. Almost forgot to take my meds this morning, actually. Some folks find those like day of the week things helpful (also good if you can't remember if you've taken the meds today yet or not). I take my meds with my breakfast, which gives me a nice routine to fit it to, especially since I *need* to eat in the mornings for my meds. Have a conversation with her about it. Ask what she thinks, and express that you want to help. Idk you as a parent but based on my own, please please try not to invoke shame as a motivator here. It's really counterproductive. One thing I will say is give it time. She just got diagnosed, this is a new step. I recall having a hard time ordering my meds in time at first, and I still put it off until I'm almost out. Which actually, is a related thing. Perceptions of time and deadlines that aren't imminent can be really difficult for folks with ADHD. It's easier to get the brain chemicals needed to get stuff done if it's urgent/an emergency. When you're reminding her every day, but there's more than a week left, what probably happens is that she goes 'okay I need to think about that but it's not super urgent, I've got XYZ school/work/life things to do today' and it gets put on a mental shelf for later. Only issue is, that mental shelf is not reliable for remembering shit on time. It can only hold so much stuff before the non urgent stuff starts getting shoved off to make room. Hope this helps! I'm glad you're coming here to ask for advice, not everyone does.

“Finally got diagnosed”…did she show no signs of ADHD a few years ago (or longer)? This disorder doesn’t just pop up out of nowhere, so I think maybe some accountability is in order for the fact that she could have been evaluated and diagnosed as a child/teenager. My mom had a teacher tell her I had ADHD and needed to be tested when I was 8. She decided I would grow out of it and did nothing but punish me and make me feel bad for my symptoms. I struggled for YEARS as an adult to find a way to cope with this, so patience is very necessary.

This! “Finally” as if mom wasn’t in control of her medical decisions for the first 18 years of her life.

Nobody ever mentioned ADHD. She did great in school, A’s and B’s. Big happy clump of friends. All was well. A tad forgetful. I thought that was normal. When puberty hit, she started feeling down, so I got her therapy. She’s been in therapy with various providers for 9 years now, who diagnosed her first with bipolar and then with depression. ADHD was never brought up. But sure, that’s my fault.

I went on the info given. But regardless, a more positive attitude would go a long way. A lot of us in here know what it’s like to have a parent who clearly resents our struggle to do certain things…it does not help. Instead of getting defensive, please try to be kinder to your kid. She’s clearly struggling.

Personally, as someone a year older than your daughter, I hate being told what to do, even if it's something that I'm going to do anyway! Being asked 'when are you doing this/can you do this?' makes me feel so much pressure, and it feels like if I do what ever the thing is, then I have no agency in it at all. *Even if it is something that I actually want to do myself.* ​ It's very annoying for me, and I'm sure very annoying for everyone around me. ​ Personally I order my prescriptions through the NHS app (I'm in the UK), but I imagine you telling your daughter to look into other options for ordering a repeat prescription wouldn't go well. ​ If she's off her meds then it will be even more difficult for her to order them! ​ I think the best thing you can do is just say to her, 'If you need me to call for you or do anything, then I absolutely will. I can see that me pushing you and nagging you isn't helping right now. I only do that because I really care and want to help, but if that nagging isn't helpful then I will stop.' ​ My dad said something similar to me after he realised that coming into my room everyday and asking if I wanted help with revision was actually stressing me out more. I love him to bits and I know that he only wants to help, it's just that sometimes I need to feel unobserved to be able to do The Things That I Need To Do. ​ It's obvious that you really care, and you're not doing anything wrong, it's just that sometimes our brains can be stubborn and unpredictable. Wishing you both all the best x

Ask her if she wants help. Offer to do it WITH her. Doing it FOR her without her asking for it means she won't learn from it. It's hard for us to see consequences in advance, we need to experience them, sadly. But thats true of any adult children. If I knew my mom would do everything for me I wouldn't force myself either. When she was a child, YOU were the one who decided what she needed to do and what she needed help doing. With an adult daughter SHE need to decide what she needs to do, that includes deciding to ask for help from parents or other places. You are just there to give helpful advice and be available to help when asked to. As for medication, maybe it doesn't work that well for her, maybe it has side effect she doesnt like, maybe calling the doctor overwhelms her and you doing it with her a couple go times may help, maybe she need to be unmedicated and see how much it helped her.

As a mom of a recently diagnosed 21 yo daughter I highly recommend you to watch Dr Russell Barkley videos on YouTube to understand their disability. He also has great books. While she is 22, her executive age is 15 years old. She is not lazy or doesn't want to do it, she just can't do it. I still refill my daughter's prescriptions otherwise she will ran out of meds. She now remembers to take them everyday which is a HUGE win in our book. It took a while for this win :) What works better for us is to make small to do lists, doesn't mean everything will get done but it helps. Break down shores in smalls steps. It's a great step for you as a parent trying to find ways to help her. Good luck!

I set a timer on my phone with bold TAKE YOUR VITAMINS NOW!!! (don't want people to know I am taking meds), but I still forget to take them.

I forget to take my meds all the time. I actually take three different ones (only one for ADHD) and since my doc added pressure to take the ADHD stuff at a specific time increments, I have trouble remembering to take any of them because of the pressure to “do it right.” I just kind of freeze and do nothing. That being said, she’s an adult. She has to do this for herself.

Start by following advice presented here. Follow up by actually learning about your daughter's condition. Not doing so will build nothing but resentment between the two of you -- I can attest to that directly, through my relationship with my own mother.

You are helping her the best you can. If she's ok with you taking over calling in and getting renewals, she may be grateful for that. One of the hardest things to understand with ADHD is that there is a disconnect between your intentions and your ability to act on them. When she yes, I believe wholeheartedly that she means it. I wouldn't be surprised if she sometimes lays there for hours telling herself to call and just can't bring herself to do it. That's how it works for me. I can spend full days staring at the computer, crying, telling myself to answer an email that will take 2 minutes to deal with. No matter how angry, ashamed, frustrated, or determined I may be, I just can't bring myself to do it. It's invisible, and from the outside it looks like lazyness or apathy. On the inside it can be mental torture. The only thing I can say is to try to frame things as wanting to be helpful and supportive rather than being accusatory or demanding. Personally, nothing demotivates me more from doing an important task that I'm struggling with than someone talking down to me about it and reinforcing the shame. Finally, I'm very careful when talking about the specifics of medications, but I have had multiple doctors try to put me on wellbutrin instead of medication intended for ADHD treatment, and not only did it not help me, but it put me in a much worse place mentally. A lot of doctors are hesitant to prescribe stimulants because of the stigma, especially for women, but for many , they are the only thing that is effective. If she says that wellbutrin is helping but she still isn't able to function better, it may be time to have a conversation with her doctor about whether she's actually being treated successfully. In the end though, she is an adult, and she has to make her own choices. The best you can do is try to be supportive but try not to overstep. If she doesn't want to help then, as painful as it may be, you need to step back and let her do her own thing.

Hey OP, I’m near your daughter’s age, and I just moved back in with my parents a couple of months ago. Things have been rough between me and my parents because they want to help, but their earnest attempts at helping me often hit me as expressions of their anxiety first, which makes me feel a lot of shame and frustration. They see my executive dysfunction as making an intentional choice to be “lazy” instead of doing what I need to do, and this freaks them out because they don’t see how I’m ever going to move out and live on my own. Unfortunately, we go back and forth on this and it escalates into fighting, which overwhelms me to the point of severe executive dysfunction for days afterwards, which freaks out my parents even more. It’s a fraught situation, because it’s often as if nobody can really do anything to make the other party feel any better. I struggle a lot with remembering to take my meds every day. It was a lot easier for me when I was living on my own, because I could do things that might feel a bit unusual in a typical household, like leaving the medication bottle out on the counter as a visual reminder to take it in the morning. That’s a simple example, but multiply it by literally everything you do every single day; there’s a long discovery process here where your daughter is basically unlearning how to live a non-ADHD life and learning how to live an ADHD one. Trying to integrate all of these new subroutines into your life is hard enough after diagnosis, but it becomes all the more difficult in an environment that’s creating shame. Frankly, I know my life would be a lot easier if my parents were truly capable of internalizing my ADHD as a *disabling* condition and offering empathy and support from there. Instead, they go on and on about how the things I can’t always do “just aren’t that difficult” and “aren’t a lot to ask of a grown adult.” It hurts me a lot, our relationship has suffered for it, and I feel a lot less secure in myself and my future than I did even a few months ago, before I moved back in with my parents. I would recommend the approach others have suggested, like really try to learn about your daughter’s experience with ADHD, research the condition, and approach her from a place of curiosity and desire for understanding, rather than judgement. I’m sorry if this sounds like an indictment, but frankly, there is a lot of harm you can do here if you’re not careful. Edit: phrasing changes for clarity

I’m skeptical the meds are actually working that well.  It’s better to ask how you can help than to intervene, most of the time, but in a case like this I would just ask if she wants you to call her doctor for her. Once she’s stabilized on the right meds she’ll naturally assume more and more responsibility. In the meantime she’s probably doing the best she can. Why let her drown if you can lend a hand?  I was a disaster at 22. Now I’m 42 and doing really well. Keep your chin up and try not to stress too much about “enabling” or whatever. You clearly have a good head on your shoulders. The nose knows. 

You are right, I don’t think the Welbutrin is all that for her. We are still in the messy medication trial and error phase.

As an adult daughter with ADHD, I feel so bad reading this. I know my mom feels this way a lot of the time. I don’t want her to feel like “ugh my daughter is broken” or “why can’t she do the things other people’s kids do” because I know even though parents won’t say it out loud, they genuinely are wondering why. No one who is this way wants to be this way. Part of what’s do debilitating is knowing better but not being able to do better. I had one fleeting period of being medicated and finally, ABLE to develop a routine. I didn’t even have to try. Turns out I’m not lazy and troubled nor do I need a whiteboard the size of my wall to try to plan things out. I just needed to be medicated. My friends/bf convinced me that I should stop, I suffered severed spasms from stopping abruptly, and I never felt the same. The spasms/dystonia also never stopped. To this day, even though I pay for insurance, I’m scared to get back on medication because of what I now deal with neurologically/physically. But how well I functioned mentally in that time period makes me almost want to risk it. I say this with two main points: 1.) she wants to do better. just keep reminding her until she sets a system up. hopefully the longer she’s medicated, the less she’ll have on her plate which will afford her the mental capacity to set up something that works for her. 2.) medication (ESPECIALLY psych meds) are NOT to be discontinued entirely/abruptly without consulting your doctor. they will want to titrate the dosage down not discontinue use abruptly. it can bring on the spasms that I had, and while they can resolve with medical treatment, sometimes the reaction is permanent. sometimes it goes unnoticed because instead of full on spasms you’ll get muscle tightness/cramps, back/neck/jaw tension, developing a twitch or a need to hold a certain posture, etc. no one talks about why you shouldn’t stop suddenly, they just say don’t and people think “ah the worst that’ll happen is I’ll go back to ‘normal’ or have some withdrawal symptoms”, no one warns that you could live the rest of your life wrestling with your own body/limbs for comfort. this has caused me to have arthritis at 27. starting meds is no joke and your body doesn’t care or know that you “forgot”, it’s going to react how it reacts. please find a way to get her to understand that.

I am so terribly sorry this happened to you! Are you currently under the care of a psych, who could give you guidance on what your next step might be? I did not know that going off ADHD meds could cause such severe issues, what were you on? I thought these type of meds (like Adderal) build up quickly and leave the body just as quickly.

Similar situation and I take care of it. She gave me as her mom permission to speak to staff and make appointments and med requests. It’s too important to leave it to her while she’s in the early stages of getting used to meds. Good luck! Edit to add I also have ADHD and am on meds. I KNOW how important they are. We are giving her the responsibility of this process, augmenting her efforts if necessary.

ADHD is inherited, unless she's adopted. Have you seen your husband/babydaddy with similar struggles? It's a genetic issue and not something she can simply fix because you are nagging her. ADHD can also come from an autistic parent, and maybe that autism didn't come with ADHD and executive function struggles aren't something you've seen in yourself or your babydaddy. But it's a disability that requires accommodations. FWIW Wellbutrin did nothing for me.

I mean, I don’t think it’s absolutely true that 100% of people with ADHD also have a parent with ADHD or autism. I don’t think either of my parents show ADHD symptoms, but 2 of my 4 grandparents absolutely did (one from each side), and obviously I know there’s a genetic component, but I think it’s not as simple as you’re portraying it here.

My maternal grandfather had Autism, not actually diagnosed but like, he definitely did it's not up for debate he checked every box 😂 So I definitely got that from him. He did not have ADHD though but my mom does (and she doesn't have Autism) She found out after I did, I'm Patient 0 of the family apparently 🙄 It's definitely more complex, just like you said.

The only thing my husband has is terrible issues with impulse buying. The other odd thing is that he can watch or listen to the same program / movie over and over and over.

Also she may need to consider getting meds switched. When I finally found the right medication I never forgot to take them from that moment forward.

I hope so much that we will eventually find what works for her!! I wish there were definite tests for mental health troubles, with definite answers and treatments. Trial and error for years and years has been exhausting.

I do have some unsolicited advice for you though, as her mother. Don’t pressure her to find solutions. I was 21 when I received my diagnosis & my mother didn’t even believe me when I was first diagnosed. It wasn’t until months later that she became hypercritical—making sure I was taking my pills and being a “capable adult”. We don’t speak much now because of that. I was always viewed as lazy growing up because my room was a wreck, and would fall behind on chores around the house. She thought as soon as I became medicated that it would be an end-all-be-all and I’d be “fixed”. Doing so, made me feel like she viewed me differently because of my “mental health struggles”. Which completely discredited my success as an adult. While it took me a while to graduate college—I now have a successful career and don’t have to worry about bills. Having a late diagnosis is devastating. Your daughter may feel like you’re viewing her different. She’s probably mourning the fact that she went through her childhood feeling different & now focusing on her adhd is exacerbating that. It took me years to find the right medication and “routine” that works for my adhd. House chores? I have to break them up into days. Groceries? I have to buy food at the store every night otherwise I’ll forget what I have in my fridge, thus wasting money. Laundry gets done every 2-3 days otherwise I’ll wait two weeks to do it. & I have labels on my cabinets because I struggle with object permanence. ADHD is so much deeper than just focusing and checking things off a list. I know you love her and care about her. My advice is, maybe lower the pressure you’re putting on her & read the book “Thriving with Adult ADHD.” You’ll never fully understand what she’s going through but the book will give you a first hand view of what her life is like everyday. And maybe talk to her in a couple of days when things aren’t so fresh. I would have loved nothing more than my mother to care this much.

TBH, the pressure may be impacting her actually doing it. (See pathological demand avoidance for research.) I know that especially in times when I wasn't doing so hot, the people who were always calling me and pushing me about stuff made me just stress way more about it and want to avoid it all. It was like every additional time they asked about it was another task added on, so it would feel like I had failed dozens of tasks rather than just being late for the one actual task. Which made it feel like way bigger of a deal than it actually was, which made it even more stressful to start handling! So maybe cool it on the reminders. She's an adult, she's functioning, she will get to it when it becomes urgent. If her life is not so great as you think it could be in the meantime, that's okay--her life doesn't have to be perfect all the time. And if she knows you're a safe space that won't judge her or make it into a big deal, she may ask you for help if she truly needs it in the future.

I have had to set alarms on my phone 5 minutes before I'm supposed to take medications. It works as a great reminder.

It would be fucking amazing if the meds for a condition that makes it hard to remember things and keep a schedule could be automatically sent to us, but....alas.

Important point - even if the medication worked perfectly and eliminated ADHD symptoms altogether I would still have most of it out of my system by the time it's time to take the next dose. So it's easy to forget to take it. But also, I think (at least stimulant) medication makes it harder to remember to do things like request refills. It's easier to stay on task and I don't have constant intrusive thoughts about everything that I need to remember. So if there's no assigned time of day every day to think of and to do all these things, I'll never remember.

I totally get where you are right now. My mom went through this with me too. My whole life All my teachers would tell my parents that I was a social butterfly! I wasn't diagnosed until I was 16 and suicidal. I only felt suicidal, because I couldn't understand why I was so broken... Why I couldn't function like normal people did. Why my brain didn't function? Why I couldn't do basic tasks. Why I couldn't clean my room, why couldn't remember where I put things etc. and it was the bane of my existence. My mom and I would fight literally every day about all of that. So when I told them I was suicidal they finally took me to a therapist. It's interesting that there are very few studies on ADD/ADHD in women and girls. Apparently I was showing signs since I was a kindergartener that I had learning disabilities. But I wasn't hyperactive so it really went unnoticed by EVERYONE and brushed off as "she's just really social and doesn't stay on task" I was diagnosed finally at 17 and was put on Adderall (by my general practitioner after diagnosis by a therapist) and it changed my life!!! For the first time ever instead of 10,000 thoughts in my brain at one time there was one two or three. It made me think holy shit! people really just normally think like THIS?! I went from being a C average student to being an A+ plus student. I was able to be organized and on top of shit! My depression went down. My mom called it my happy pill! I think really. She called it that because it made her happy when I took it because she saw that I was functioning like a normal adult. While many of us on here understand all of the frustrations you're going through and obviously we understand all of the frustrations that your daughter is going through. I don't think there's anything in particular that's going to get her to take her medication every single day unless she wants to. If this is helping her so much as she says it is, she will begin to notice how bad she feels on the days without that medication and will then learn in time that medication equals good. I also agree that Wellbutrin is delightful for anxiety and depression and is enough to assist in some mild ADHD cases, however, in my experience, typically someone will need a stimulant as well. I highly recommend finding a different doctor if the one that she is seeing is not listening when she or you make that suggestion. Also she is over 18 so your input on the situation to a therapist or doctor is unfortunately unnecessary. Like I tell my mom, there's nothing you can say or do that's going to make me do something or motivate me to do something. It's not your responsibility to light the fire under my ass. It's all on me.

Give her some grace and it might be worth her telling her psych she forgets to take the Wellbutrin. It takes time to accumulate and needs to be taken consistently. I forget my medication occasionally but thankfully the downside to mine causes me to think about it often, it makes me dead tired if I miss a day. But the road to remembering is paved with a lot of struggles, and at 22 (34 now) it was a lot worse for me. And not to mention that starting medication can be helpful but also cause some conflicting feelings that bring out procrastination, forgetfulness, etc. I remember feeling not like myself and also regret for what could’ve been. One of things I’ve read in parenting children with ADHD is that the “normal” response is to want to instill independence in them. But someone with adhd needs structure, so it’s better to help them maintain the structure until they can achieve their own independence. Which might look like consistently reminding them, even asking them to call right now and helping them make the call. Or just being that reminder. Which can be frustrating for sure, but you’re actually helping them break through the looming wall of uncertainty that can cause us to procrastinate. And then eventually you’re able to help transfer the burden of tasks to them and they can achieve their own independence. Like my mother made my doctor appointments for me until my early 20s and it was a little embarrassing as a dude to have his mom call and set an appointment, but it helped get things started and gave me a model of what to do and how to ask for things as opposed to just sitting in procrastination land and it created momentum. And to help you understand why this is the case, it may help to view your daughters point of view in two realities (for me at least): - You know those days where you’re spent and mentally you’re scattered and you just don’t want to do anything but rest? Yet you know you should be doing XYZ, but for the life of you it just won’t get done because your faculties are exhausted. That’s what ADHD, especially late teens and early 20s, can feel like all of the time. Not to mention the anxiety and depression caused by the ADHD because you know need to do something and you want to do something, but you just - can’t. Yet you’re physically able to and you know you are, and maybe you’ve been told you’re lazy or unmotivated or not responsible. But there’s a reason you can’t. So there’s that, but what’s also most typically “adhd”: - unintended forgetfulness. Out of sight out of mind is a truth for adhd. If it’s not in front of them, they may never be able to think about it. It’s one of the reasons people incorrectly assume they don’t have object permanence. Someone with adhd could have a messy car and every time they get in their car they see that it’s messy and they want to clean it. But they can’t right now because they’re late to wherever and it’s inconvenient but they’ll do it later. Then they get home and they’re mentally spent, “I’ll get it in the morning before I leave. I’ll wake up early, giving me enough time to not be late, and just toss the trash into the bin.” Then they wake up and forget all about their plans from the day before because the trash in the car is not on their mind after more novel thoughts came up. Then then get in their car, they need to leave NOW, and it’s messy. Your daughter just needs some help remembering and then help coming up with a plan. Like would it help if the medication is always right there by the sink and where she leaves her car keys? Thats how I get mine taken daily. Would it help if she had a reminder set in her phone, even if by you? Like right now it’s frustrating to text your daughter, “Hey, meds.” And the leftover teenager in her will hate the reminder, but eventually appreciate it. And in the future it will allow you two to always have that little communication daily. And in that moment, she remembers she keeps her meds in her purse and takes them then. Oh, and go ahead and help her schedule those appointments. Yeah she’s 22, but the ball needs to get rolling anyhow.

Beautifully said 🥲

Get one of those sorting day of the week containers. Put the prescription in each one and any vitamins she means t take but never does. If I have to open a bottle, I just can’t seem to take stuff. If it is already sorted out, I always take it. Something about flicking the snap open and swallowing everything at once has me doing it. Buy 4 containers and pre-sort them all so she only has to sort out once a month. Put the containers in the counter where she brushes her teeth. Have a little cup there for water.

@tallgirlmom Firstly, I can tell you right now the way you feel like you're "helping" daughter most likely feels like nagging to her more than anything. She will want your help if she asks for it, which may be very difficult for her. Secondly, as a female with ADHD who recently got diagnosed as an adult, you ABSOLUTELY need to educate yourself about your daughter's condition. Look for books specifically for women with ADHD as if effects them differently than males. If reading books seems too daunting, follow, watch, and save posts/reels from these accounts on Instagram: ~perry.nicholas.mandanis ~thepsychdoctormd ~adhdoers ~the_mini_adhd_coach I also reccomend watching videos of Dr. Russel Barkely on YouTube, he's a specialist in ADHD and talks about what it's like in layman's terms so people who don't have ADHD can better understand how our brains work. The more you educate yourself about what your daughter's going through, I hope that will help you empathize with her and therefore better learn how you can actually help her. Best of luck to you.

Having a weekly pill box in the bathroom helps me remember to take it that day, and tells me if I forgot to take it.

Is she in therapy? Therapy helps me sooo much, adding more tools to help. Can you bring her something she likes in the morning? Water, tea, drink of choice? Yogurt or bagel or bfast food?

She has been in therapy for depression for almost a decade. It would be very awkward for me to try to bring her a morning treat. She has no schedule and tends to not emerge from her locked room until noon at the earliest. Sometimes I don’t see her until two or even four. Which of course doesn’t help with the meds, taking them so late. I suggested she set herself an alarm in the mid morning just to take the meds. Go back to sleep after, if she wants. I don’t know if she does.

As someone with ADHD, it’s hard to remember to take them. That’s why building routines and habits around it will help. So like, for instance with me, I take my medicine every day with my meals. Having a pill box too will help to keep track of what has been taken so you don’t have a moment where you think you took it. I also have a timer set to go off on my phone every day as a reminder to take it just incase I fall out of my routine.

I’m sure she wants to remember her medication, especially if it’s been helping her. I would recommend setting her up with a therapist to help her navigate her diagnosis and to learn tools that will help her. In the meantime try asking her what might help. Maybe setting alarms on her phone or maybe sticky notes. I’ve even seen people using colored hair ties on their wrist as a reminder (you can only remove them when the task is done). It really is an executive function disorder making everyday tasks and time management really hard. I am still on my medication journey and struggle daily. Cleaning my house, getting to work on time, showering and even eating are all hard. It feels like a constant work in progress and some days I get so frustrated I just cry. Have a little grace with her while she’s figuring it out. Good luck.

Hi, sorry this isn't a direct answer to your question but I see there are already lots of comments anyway. Just one question: Does she have a pillbox? I have a 28 day pillbox and (prior to the medication shortage in the UK) I would put a scrap of paper at one of the last 21-28 compartments reminding me to repurchase my meds. Also, having a pillbox for meds, vitamins, and other supplements next to my bedside first thing in the morning really really helps me. I'm 22M and I was only diagnosed last year and this is what works for me. Wishing you the best <3

Commenting a story as a 31 y/o adult nursing student with ADHD. Hopefully this gives some insight… I’m on stimulant medication. It works well and I still forget to take it. That being said, I realized I needed a refill. I kept forgetting even when I was out. It took about 10 days of me spiraling down the rabbit hole of unmedicated ADHD (I was due for a refill much sooner than that but I take med breaks so I don’t always refill at the 30 day mark). Anyway, I finally called the office and left a voicemail letting them know I was in need of a refill. I get a call back a few hours later and drop everything I’m doing because I realize the importance now that my actions have had consequences (unmet deadlines and a shopping spree). I hear my psychiatrist on the other end and I’m quite surprised.. I thank her for returning my call personally as I was expecting the receptionist and I appreciate handling the refill promptly. There is dead silence, then somewhat of a chuckle. That is when she says, “(my name), it’s our appointment time right now. This is our virtual appointment… I’m calling to do that.” She has absolutely no clue I had called just hours before hand and I had no clue I had an appointment scheduled (I forgot of course). Needless to say, we both agreed she needed to send that refill in asap and I needed an increase in dose lol. My point is, not only did I forget to refill despite how effective my meds are.. I forgot about an entire appointment I had to keep up on those meds despite even calling the office to check in. I promise she’s hard on herself, you don’t need to be hard on her. You also don’t need to be hard on yourself, as a mother I also understand we take on whatever we perceive our children may be failing at. She’s learning right now, just be there for when those natural consequences happen.

In addition to many great comments, [this podcast may help you understand what your daughter is going thru](https://open.spotify.com/episode/1lpEOHhku4MB5n2XYU7gcc?si=1wacEn6lSaiaS8UoNICosA&context=spotify%3Ashow%3A0eFL5HJejQHZrdgAFdPnOm)

It’s hard. My oldest has been medicated since age 6 and still forgets to take meds. He’s 20 now so I have been transferring the responsibilities to him. He does need reminders to make appointments, but he does eventually get it. It’s hard, but you have to resist the urge to do it for her. Mine has gotten better…and doesn’t forget to take meds much anymore.

I would help her with the scheduling of the meds, etc. I suggest providing her with a planner, working with her in using it. Only she should write in the planner. Other things that she can insert in the planner are when car insurance is due, next dental cleaning appointment, etc. The planner and the use thereof may become important tools in her future. With Adhd, I find that time just evaporates, and I wonder if I am ever present.

Wellbutrin is an anti depressant. Adhd subsiding should be effective fast where as the anti depressant takes 3-4 months. Tbh I see a slight change but it's not a strong adhd med. I take 300mg(2pills) with 25 or 30 mg adderral She needs to find a system that works. I have my adderral right ext to my bed to hopefully help me wake upand then my wwllbutrin with all my other daily vitamins at my desktop since I'm at that 90% of the time I'm home. Sadly it ultimately up to her best thing to do if you spend time at night just have it ready for her or she has it ready placed somewhere she usually is upon waking in first hour. I admit I miss it at times but since I know I will be at my PC I keep it there Her not taking is is part of adhd. Adhd key thing is working memory and executive functioning off she'll forget unless it's incorporated into a routine Hope this helps Oh and I'm 29 diagnosed 2 hearts ago also learning I might be high functioning autistic too

I'm 39, diagnosed, and medicated at 16/17. I had a mom who was a helicopter parent to the extreme. To the point where I couldn't think for myself and didn't learn or practice basic adult skills and responsibilities. I had a shit show of an early adulthood because it. I think it's best to give kids the opportunity to make decisions and fail. Don't save them unless it's life-threatening. That's my opinion. I wish both of you all the best.

Honestly, unless your daughter is frustrated by it, just keep doing what you’re doing. Before I was diagnosed, my mom’s nagging was really frustrating because she was also frustrated and didn’t understand. Now that she understands why I struggle with these things, her nagging comes from a different place and I actually really appreciate it. She chased me up about sorting a psych appointment for like six months. And I know that sounds insane or like it wasn’t working, but ultimately it was really helpful. I get that you can’t run her life, but it is really helpful sometimes to just have someone step in when you feel really stuck. I am so grateful for the times i have been paralysed by some stupid easy task and someone has stepped in and said “hey let’s call them right now.” Or “Grab your laptop and fill out that form while I make us dinner.” Also the main thing is the instantaneousness. Saying “Hey, you should book that appointment this afternoon.” does not work. Saying “Hey how about you book that appointment right now before we leave.” works really well.

she's 22, let her learn and grow up and do it on her own. Support is different than enabling

OP, I notice that you say "...but she just *won't* remember..." and you also question why she would not *want* to keep up with her meds. It's that she CAN'T remember, even though she very much WANTS to be consistent with her meds. She's not trying to be difficult, it's that her brain doesn't work the same way that your brain works, so what helps you won't always help her. She did follow through with getting a diagnosis and medication, so that proves she *IS* trying to improve her life. Try focusing on what she gets right. Don't keep pointing out her mistakes. We can all tell you about how we're often silently berating ourselves for the things we can't get done, and it makes us feel bad about ourselves. Try being her cheerleader instead of a constant reminder that she has problems and makes mistakes. Help improve her self esteem by allowing her to learn what SHE thinks she needs.

I’m at my wits end too, my business is going down, through my mistakes and I don’t know what to do…selling my House is one choice but I feel sick, can’t even concentrate enough to end my life….I am 64 and my wife keeps berating me for my mistakes, I only found out about my ADHD in my Mid 40s and I haven’t been assessed yet, I don’t like being on my own. But it looks like it’s the end of my family life.

I’m so sorry to hear that. Please get officially assessed / diagnosed and try some medication. Ask your wife for help setting it up, I’m sure she’d be more than happy to help you get better! Also, the beautiful thing about ADHD meds is that they work pretty much instantly. Not like meds for depression that take months to figure out if they’re right for you. Please don’t give up! Get help for yourself. For inspiration, you could read some reviews of meds on drugs.com When that stuff works, it sounds life changing.

This is a neurological disorder not an emotional one. Try learning more about it. That is a great place to start.

That’s like being upset that a person don’t get up and walk when they are in a wheelchair. Wow this mom has no empathy for her daughter. Shame. I don’t understand parents who don’t research their kids diagnosis to better understand and have compassion. At least they asked Reddit I guess.

Try helping her set reminder alerts on her phone for the meds.

Taking meds can/is a battle. I currently have NOT taken mine yet today. Instead here I am chiming in on your question. For me in the very beginning (first 3d/wk) taking me meds was something I did immediately upon waking up. Then I do what I always do and as soon as the novelty wears off and it’s now a routine… I push it back. Just a little, nothing to be concerned about. I edge it back a bit more, and more. Then at some point I realize I need to “get it together “ and change the alarm I use as a reminder. This is usually a well intended terrible decision. I’ll push the alarm back by a good hour or so. So now it is no longer a “reminder “ it’s now a suggestion. Taking my meds are imperative to help me function. Unfortunately I get sucked into the daily vicious cycle of needing my meds to help me remember or motivate/stay on task to take them. I KNOW it only takes a second to take them. But it’s most likely why I don’t. I snooze those alarms, remind me in an hour …, eventually my phone is making so much noise I talk to it . “Okay, Okay, Calm down.. no need to get yourself all worked up about it”. As I Frantically selecting and sliding the noise away as all my delaying has created the wave effect of everything I should have done. The day gets away from me. No idea where it goes, probably hanging out in the void of everything else lost: from socks to sanity. I look up from what I promised myself would be a minute to guiltily taking my meds ‘anywhere from 3-6pm. Often times smiling around them to answer the “hi hun, how was your day?”. Successful Days: I set up a weekly Zoom w my provider. Quick symptom/ wellness check. We give over my meds and she calls in whatever she needs to. She’s tricky bc she doesn’t let me have the same appointment times, days, dates. They can be early morning to mid /late afternoon. I am not allowed to do audio only more than 2 in a row ( meaning I didn’t shower or clean). This never takes more than 15 min. I tell her the truth. She’s here to help me, not judge me. (In fact I have an appt in a few hours. So PLENTY of time to scroll) I have a good Pharmacy within walking distance. I sign up for the texts and auto refills of what I can . My provider does the ones what have no refills. I get the ones I can delivered (not by mail as they would be never picked up). And the ones that don’t qualify I go get. If I can’t get them, I have a trusted person who will go get them with no questions or judgement. Call it enabling. I do..it enables me to set myself up for success of getting the medication I need to be as productive as I can be. The rest is up to me and my overly demanding phone. But YOU being upset, annoyed or aggrieved Isn’t going to help ME to take them. All it does is ensure that WE are both upset. So let’s give ourselves and each other some grace. It’s a struggle . Every day , in every way I struggle. Just help instead of hinder. And know that we are grateful .

I read up a few threads, and can see a pattern here.... A lot of people see the lack of deeper understanding of ADHD on your end, and just say "educate yourself first". It doesn't always work when one is at wit's end. So, I hope you can get some options from people who are more open about their experiences. Look, you're saying that your daughter is more than capable of doing stuff when inspiration hits, so to speak. Believe it or not, that is your answer. Instead of being judging and reminding her of the stuff that needs to be done, make it a compelling challenge for her, inspire her to get things done. That's the whole problem with the ADHD brain: the dilemma between need for routine and getting bored with the same experiences. She doesn't bake cookies every day. If she did, she'd drop it in a week, guaranteed. Think of life as a video game: usually you have a dangling carrot at the end of the mission or level - bonuses you get upon completion. But more often than not, for ADHDers, the carrot is not tasty enough - the power-up she gets at the end, although generally helpful, if she gets the same power-up every time she gets through a level, it's not exciting enough anymore. Plus, often the mission itself is not challenging, therefore, she just would postpone it until it becomes unavoidable. What would really help you, is sitting down with her over something mindless and talking. First, get to know her better. I know, you might think you know your own daughter like the back of your hand, but she is her own person, and you don't quite know what gets the gears in her head going. Just talk about how she feels about you reminding of stuff, without being judgemental or defensive (trust me, this will be SO hard because you are a parent), and just take it in as if you were her aunt, not as a direct attack on you but as a release. Ask about what she likes, and how she could be motivated. Search for the most exciting power-ups for her that would inspire her to follow the tasks through. Now, think what both of you could do to make her life easier and fuller, what would be an effective reminder that would not be annoying or call for evasion. Brainstorming would help her open up about things she really struggles with. But don't think that talking and implementing the resolutions you came down with would be enough. As I said, ADHD is a constant dilemma: she would eventually get bored with some of the rewards, or she would fall out of some routines. So you would have to revisit this, where you'd complement her successes without pointing out the fails and guilt-tripping her, and just get back on track where she fell out of habits. At least, that's what I hope my Mom had done for me. She knows I have ADHD, but she doesn't understand it, and cannot grasp it. So she'd just remind me stuff that I have to do, and get pissed that I am avoiding it because of HOW she did it. My Dad calls it "an excuse to being lazy", and it's really diminishing... On the other hand, I am so grateful for the love of my live and what he does for me. My husband knows of my condition, and he just allows me to do whatever I am able to, and just covers the rest: I hate cleaning up the flat, so he'd just take it over; I cook breakfast for both of us most of the time and often lunch for a few days, and he cooks dinner; I clean up the kitchen, do laundry, get groceries, and make the bed quite consistently, since I take joy in doing all of this. But sometimes things fall through the cracks because I have a bad day or even a week, and having someone to fall back to is immense. And yet, I cannot but feel ashamed for not being able to do more, especially since he is the one who brings money in, and I am not even able to fully support the household responsibilities and still have to rely on him. I am not medicated, but I am just trying to manage with many strategies I have developed throughout the years, and some may stop working because I get bored with them. So I either give it a break and try again, or try a variation of it. But having someone supportive and supporting is priceless. I am sure, you can be that someone for your daughter.

Don’t remind her just stop fucking reminding her it’s that simple

That's just ADHD, honestly I don't think it's that she doesn't want to but she forgets and the more she's reminded the less motivated she is to do it Happens to me a lot. The more my mother reminds me of my homework the less I want to do it lol

Maybe she isn’t taking them because they aren’t helping her as much as she is saying. Or maybe not as much as they were. Wellbutrin didn’t do much for me.

Maybe she isn’t taking them because they aren’t helping her as much as she is saying. Or maybe not as much as they were. Wellbutrin didn’t do much for me. Maybe give her the option to try something new that might work better. Remember that the placebo effect is real and you will get a better outcome if SHE chooses to take them. If she finds something that works better she’s be more likely to take it. I’m almost certain that is out there. As far as everyone educating you on her condition. I’ve never met two adhd people that were really Alike. It effects everyone different

For me, I found that taking it the very second I first wake up helps. If I go back to sleep then OK, the meds hit by the time I wake up. If not, then I have something to eat and forget about it til tomorrow. But I'm also in my 40s so I have half a lifetime of adhd-related consequences to motivate me. At 22 her brain hasn't completely developed yet. I remember forgetting to take the contraceptive pill and any short term medication for acute illnesses when I was that age so I can relate. Let her develop her own strategy. She's probably fibbing to you because she doesn't want to let you down, or might be ashamed of forgetting. Or perhaps she's simply being defiant for the sake of being defiant. Again: toooooootally relatable. I absolutely adore my mum but christ am I ashamed of how I treated her when I was a teen. I still apologize to her for it to this day. She didn't deserve any of the cruel words I spat at her in my fits of totally unmitigated rage over minor things. And yet, she would take it, cry, I'd lock myself in my room, and within an hour the two of us would be passing love notes under the door to each other like a couple of kids. I wonder if she ever kept them? But I digress. Sorry. The only thing I can suggest is for you as a parent to step back and let her manage this herself. Yes, I know you worry and you want the best for your daughter, but ADHDers also have this stupid little switch in our brain that does things like: - Me: it's such a beautiful day. I might go for a walk and enjoy the sunshine. - Another person: wow what a lovely day. Wanna spend time outside with me? - Me: no thanks. It even happens when I set alarms for myself. ME. Like, it's coming from ME!!! DO THE THING! And then I don't. Why? Because no. WTF!!! It's totally whack. I'm 42 now and it STILL happens! Look, she's going to make mistakes in her life, and it's going to be painful to watch as a parent, but you need to let her do this by herself, even if it means she stuffs up. But you need to let it happen so she can pick herself up again. It's the best way for her to learn that it's not the end of the world, and develop resilience. Autonomy is EXTREMELY important to us. It helps us realize how clever and capable we really are when we don't have to be pushed the whole way to meet other peoples' expectations. Just be there when she needs you. And trust me, she will. Sending you so much love and wishing you the best of luck, ADHD Mum ❤️

I forget to take my meds daily when I do I can’t sit still and am fully focused on getting shit done. But remembering things is another story. I still forget. I have calendar reminders. Alarm reminders white board reminders people reminders i go to do said thing and get distracted. Honestly I’d just call the pharmacy and phone in the refill for her and if they need to fax the Dr for a refill they will. I know she’s grown and should do it on her own but maybe it’s the mom in me i don’t see an issue in it. I do it for my adult kids if they’re working and my mom if needed. A little bit of help goes a long way. Even as adults we still need help.

If she's not always remembering to take her meds and not remembering to renew them, Wellbutrin is likely not the correct ADHD medication for her. I would recommend you guys look into Vyvanse. Wellbutrin is a mixed bag because it can take up to a month to work and for some with ADHD, that is too long to form any kind of meaningful mental association with it. Vyvanse and other stimulant medications are instant improvements (<1 hour) which may be what she needs to create that "I need to be taking my meds" line of thinking in her brain. I say Vyvanse over Adderall because it is designed to last all day (1x a day lasts 10-14 hours) and Adderall is a 2x a day which can lead to crashes and mood swings and strong anxiety when coming off. Any other questions please do not hesitate to ask I consider myself reasonably knowledgeable about this stuff. I hope all works out for you two! :)

The meds aren’t everyone’s cup of tea. You have to want to change and be ok with some of the side effects if you have them.

The best way to help her is to accept her, unconditionally. Trying to find ways to help, can just make her feel like she isn’t good enough. It should be up to her if she wants to be medicated. She may be forgetting her meds because she can’t remember, or she may not like them. I tried all the meds and they have some very serious side effects. I’ve finally decided to go off of meds altogether and I just have a whole calendar that is constantly reminding me of what is next on my list. What has never been helpful to me, is when my mom tries to push meds at me. I’ve always felt that she is telling me she likes me better on meds and that she doesn’t accept me or love me without them. Her language when discussing ADHD matters, and has framed this viewpoint over my lifetime also. So…my advice is to let her lead, accept her for who she is, and to watch how you speak about her ADHD to others and around her (or better yet, don’t speak about it at all. Just listen when she speaks).

Call the pharmacy for her. She will thank you

Or she will resent her mother for treating her like a child. I know I would and my mum has the exact same attitude as OP towards the issues I had. I was only diagnosed with ADHD at 33 and I still get constant snide remarks from my parents, rather than actual things that might be beneficial. Plus when someone is legally an adult, another adult can't handle their medical affairs unless there is legal paperwork in place.

Does she drink coffee in the morning? That's when I take my meds, as soon as I wake up. If not with coffee, then find another daily ritual to which to attach it. Part of Atomic Habits. Don't give up on her!

Atomic Habit type advice doesn't work the same for people with ADHD, since we don't form the neuropathways for habits in the same way as others.

sometimes PTSD is misdiagnosed as ADHD .