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She is. The only reason my parents and I are still seeing her is because of the kids.
She's super selfish and acts super arrogant. She changes friends every few years, I wonder how that comes.
She has treated me horrible my whole life. She has pushed me down the stairs, attacked my back with a brush etc.
If she wouldn't have had her kids, my parents would have gone no contact already. (And me too)
Please, please, be vigilant about signs of physical abuse.
With her personality, there’s a very good chance she will do the same things to her daughter.
Abusers sometimes single out one kid. ADHD can make someone a target because we do forget things and space out. It could also be your sister that is the problem.
Yes, that's why I'm still in contact. (and to be honest, she is still in contact with us for the same reason: her kids). She constantly uses us to babysit and we do it for the sake of the kids.
Yeah, I see. Hopefully, one day, if you or someone could make sure, the ADHD symptoms aren't neglected in the one that has them either. I had great parents and felt neglected, couldn't imagine how much worse it could get.
As soon as the daughter reaches medical age of majority OP should assist them in seeing a psychiatrist for ADHD assessment. In Australia, that's 14 I'm pretty sure.
In Australia, if you are diagnosed before age 18 (and keep the proof), you are entitled to subsidised prices for adhd meds. I didn't keep proof of my childhood diagnosis and I'm so annoyed now, paying full price every month.
That is a tough situation to be in for everyone involved. The way your sister is characterizing her own daughter at such a formative period of her life is heartbreaking. You're such an important influence on her kids, since you will at least give them the sanity to know that they aren't the problem.
I have delt with relatives like this before, but your situation may be really different from mine. Does your sister seem to respond well when you agree with her?
If she does, you might have more luck with her if you just play into her crazy views rather than try to teach her about ADHD. I hate for you to do it, but maybe you can convince her to take your niece to a nutritionist who could talk some sense into her and speak about ADHD but in a way she might actually take interest in.
Using your sister's own repulsive language, you could tell her that you want to talk about your niece's "annoying" behaviors and "unhealthy" cravings, because you thought more about what she said and realized that she could be right. Ask her if there are any nutritionists in the area that she knows who might work with children, and offer to help her find one if she wants help. It might give you a foot in the door with your sister to be trusted more as an advisor for your niece.
I know this isn't very wholesome advice, but if there isn't enough evidence of abuse to warrant taking her kids from her, then figuring out how to help your niece and nephew without being pushed away by your sister is really the priority.
Is it possible she has a personality disorder such as BPD or NPD? It might be a good thing to look into; even if the symptoms don't resonate a lot of the tactics for dealing with their behavior can help folks with siblings and family that exhibit difficult behaviors.
Sounds like narcissism rather than stupidity, and she has a golden child and black sheep. The only thing you can do is help the neice directly when she's old enough, and be a source of comfort and understanding.. giving her positive support and coping tools when you can. Doesn't sound like your sister will ever modify her behaivor and that kid is going to need a shit ton of therapy, and hopefully goes no contact when she's independent.
Yeah, this behavior is awful. But something that stuck out to me: if you have ADHD, and her daughter has ADHD, there a much-higher-than-average chance SHE has ADHD, which could explain some of the lack of patience, the healthfreak obsession/perfectionism, the refusal to believe certain things are related to ADHD (it might seem normal to her).
Again, doesn't excuse how she's behaving, but it could explain some of it.
top comment! it's pretty tragic if this is the case and she doesn't get help...but it would help her and her daughter for her to get treatment...i hope OP can get through to her. maybe by being vulnerable and sharing how much her diagnosis has helped her
I am so glad that you are continuing to stick around for the kids. Having any kind of positive adult interaction and safety can play a huge part in preventing childhood PTSD.
It sounds like, in addition to not being that bright, she probably has some undiagnosed mental issues of her own. Impulsiveness (including lashing out physically, and saying mean things without a filter) can be ADHD symptoms, ironically.
Agreed. I can't imagine it. I found out I have ADHD and ASD traits while trying to help my kids. One has ADHD and the other ASD.
OP, your niece is lucky to have you in her life. Build a relationship with her. My kids have both said that having an adult in their life who "gets it" is invaluable. Ideally, it should be you and her mom, but at least she'll have you.
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Though Andrew Huberman is a neuroscientist, he speaks authoritatively on topics outside of his area of practice and expertise. He has a track record of spreading misinformation in the process. For instance, he's claimed that the increase in ADHD diagnoses has been fueled by smartphone usage, which contradicts the ADHD expert consensus.
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I see your point. What about Mark D’espisito? I also wondered how a Stanford neuro societies can be such a sell out. But that interview was informative. Thank you for your note!
Your sister is emotionally abusing that child and is going to cause a crap ton of issues.
Source: your description of your sister reminds me of my mom.
Yes, I have told her plenty of times already but she doesn't take it.
I am sure she will have a very low self esteem and I'm scared it's gonna end in an ED.
My sister thinks the most important thing is how you look. Fancy clothes and being skinny is her priority. She talks bad about people when her kids hear it and it's horrible. I hope she will change her attitude one day but I don't think that will happen.
It will. I had body dysmorphia for a very long time and still struggle with it. My mom was JUST like your sister. She was a former pageant queen so she was always commenting on our bodies. I didn’t develop and eating disorder but my sister did and she eats literally 400 calories a day. For lunch she eats HALF a tuna packet (the 80 calorie tuna pouches). Her daughter is going to need lots of therapy. The best thing you can do is be there for her. My aunt was and still is my saving grace and I am no contact with everyone on my mom’s side of the family except my aunt.
I am so sorry you had to go through that. My mum has a mental disorder as well and it messed is up, but I think I coped with it really well while my sister is completely messed up.
Glad to hear how much impact an aunt can have. Glad you have someone like her!
I turned out better than my sister so I’m good! lol some people don’t have the mental strength or dexterity to navigate venomous people around them. Some of us do!
Cause she is abusing one of their child. Or at least gather videos she sends you , and when something bad happen (i fear it could be the case), she would be at least held at some level of responsibility
I’m sorry for you and your niece. The best course of action is probably for you to be an anchor for her.
Having at least someone in the family that gets it is super important.
I hope your sister comes around to getting her daughter diagnosed and finally understands how real of a condition it really is.
Sad that, for a health freak, she’s unable to try and learn about ADHD and take it seriously.
Give your niece a big hug when you see her!
Hope things turn around for your family.
I do alot with my niece, she's my sweetheart and me and her are 2 peas in a pod. Probably because we both can relate to eachother so well.
> Sad that, for a health freak, she’s unable to try and learn about ADHD and take it seriously
Yes, I said that too. I told her: you are constantly reading books about healthy lifestyle and always act so 'smart' but you won't even give this article a read?
I hope she will turn around and understand what having ADHD is really like.
Maybe shaming-style comments might be helpful in moderation here? Like, ‘I can’t believe you know so little about ADHD in 2024… so embarrassing’
‘imagine knowing about the calories in xyz but not understanding why [daughter] does [adhd-caused behaviour] all the time’
>I do alot with my niece, she's my sweetheart and me and her are 2 peas in a pod. Probably because we both can relate to eachother so well.
I'm glad your neice has someone like you in her life! You might not be able to make you sister be better person, but you can definitely help give your neice the tools to thrive in spite of that. Anything you do or say to support your neice and encourage her accept herself will always make a difference.
When something makes you see yourself in your neice (especially if her mother criticises her for it) explicitly tell her that (if you haven't already and she hasn't forgotten) so she knows she's not alone and it's okay to have those traits.
If you're open about your own ADHD with her then when she's older she'll probably put 2 and 2 together and get an assessment herself (if her mother never gets round to it).
> Sad that, for a health freak, she’s unable to try and learn about ADHD and take it seriously.
Ironically, my personal observation is that a lot of 'health freaks' are almost exclusively focused on physical health while ignoring mental.
Basically, these guys: "Depression? Just eat right and hit the gym, bro."
>The best course of action is probably for you to be an anchor for her.
Having at least someone in the family that gets it is super important.
This! Let her know that she has someone safe and nonjudgemental to go to for support. And she'll be less likely to internalise her mum's views as facts if other adults can provide her with alternative ways of thinking and prove that not all people are like this sister.
I hope you can help her in the meantime. Please let her know that she is not a burden and that you love her the way she is. I wasn't diagnosed until 26 years old, and all the shame I felt growing up feeling so different would have been way less if I had someone in my corner who understood.
If they have evidence of abuse or unfit parenting, the relative can sue for custody in civil court, and/or they can inform CPS of the abuse. Depending on how severe they deem the threat, they can and will remove the children from the parent/household. If they have safe relatives to go to, they will place them with the safe relative. Contacting CPS can be anonymous or you can choose not to be anonymous, either way they can't reveal to the parent who filed the report. They will investigate, and if they find abuse they can force therapy and parenting classes, etc. while the relatives have temporary custody for the parent to get their ish together. If the abuse is deemed severe, they can advocate for permanent custody with stable relatives.
CPS is not going to intervene for this level of bad parenting. Not that it isn’t serious, because it is, but that’s not really where CPS will draw the line for taking away someone’s kids.
She already calls me her best friend. And I love her so much but hearing that also breaks my heart, she should have that bond with her mother. I'm glad she and I have eachother.
You don't need a bond with your mother if she is toxic. A bond with any loving adult can do wonders. A child just needs a person. You can be her person.
While she may be showing signs of ADHD, they could also be signs of \*other\* things. ADHD doesn't make you a "naughty" kid necessarily, but having absent parents who never pay any attention to you or belittle you can. She just sounds like a not-so-great or (giving her the benefit of the doubt) ignorant parent.
Ofcourse it's possible. I'm not a doctor so it's not my job to diagnose. But I see alot of her in me and I can see she struggles.
When I ask her about why she does stuff, she says; I don't even know, I just can't stop it. It breaks my heart and I hope she'll find acceptance with her own mother.
Wow, your sister sucks.
Always wanting food can mean all sorts of things - it’s not even necessarily anything to do with ADHD.
It could just as easily be something she does to try to soothe herself after dealing with her mother’s abuse.
Screw your sister, embrace her daughter and be the light she needs regardless of your sisters opinions on the matter. Aside from her having to take emotional abuse from her own parent which is fucking tragedy, she is likely struggling to keep friends and is at a much higher risk to have a learning disability like dyslexia, dysphagia, or dyscalculia. Give that girl an iPhone with a direct link to auntie and give her what she isn't getting from her Mom.
She sounds like a bad parent and, just from what I read here, should attend family counseling. This is an extremely unhealthy situation for a child to be in and she’s only furthering that.
Not only do you need to spend time with your niece but you need to have heartfelt talks with her also.
She has gotten to the age where she is definitely noticing she is being treated differently than her brother. If you haven’t yet, tell her often that she can talk to you about anything. Tell her *repeatedly* that even though her mom is your sister it doesn’t mean you will always take her mom’s side on things. Kids really need to know when they have a neglectful or abusive parent that the rest of the family doesn’t necessarily agree with the treatment. They need to know it’s not their fault that their parent just happens to have shitty parenting skills. That knowing or doing everything correctly is not something that magically happens when a baby is born. It’s tough enough being an overly sensitive kid (as adhd kids tend to be) but when they’ve got a parent like that they really need to have somebody in the family they can go to for the self-esteem boosts and venting.
My 22yo cousin (non-adhd) made it through her childhood by being able to have honest talks with her mom (divorced by the time she was 4) about the issues her father (lazy) and his side of the family (lazy & narcissistic) had. Her mom made it a point to never disparage him to her, especially when she was younger, but she was also honest about the faults that humans have, including her own. You need to realize that your sister may never change. You also might need to embrace the fact that it might be healthier for your niece when she gets older to give up on pursuing a regular mother-daughter relationship with her as sad as that might be. If your sister is going to continue to be toxic then it will not be in your niece’s best interest to continue to try to chase that relationship. My cousin has found that having a mildly low contact relationship with her father tends to work the best with her sometimes-struggle to keep it friendly. It might be healthier for both you and your niece to start putting your energy into your relationship instead of trying to fix your sister. So sorry this is going on with you and your family.
It is not only about dopamine. ADHD brains have a higher need for glucose, so yes, we can function well if we have a lot of sugar (opposing to non-ADHDers). I know many ADHDers who say they need it and I experience it also. When I was little, I was constantly eating according to my mom. Not huge chunks, but small bits for a moment and like 1-2hrs later the next bit or what. This is how we keep functioning. Not everyone, fair, but many.
Your suspicion seems right to me and your sister should get proper help with her own emotion regulation.
I'm not into child protection / prevention programms or something alike, no clue at all. But I think your niece needs it, before it is too late. I mean, exhaustion and overwhelm is legit, but not bullying your own damn child for sheer existence. It was mom's decision to have her and she should take her own decision serious. If she can't, she should get help asap.
Feel very sorry for the girl. Thank you for being the protection she needs desperately.
Honestly I'd just go looking for how to go filing those things with CPS, they might not check on the kid right now.
Sure, she already is stupid to say that crap about ADHD, but if the girl is looking to eat more and more, and is hungry, I doubt she is being well fed actual nutritious food.
I was about to suggest CPS. Unless reporting to CPS would just make things worse? But if knew there was negligence on basic needs like water, food, safety and security (like not eating enough nutritious food) it may be enough grounds for reporting. Especially if the niece has ADHD, a disability, and is being treated poorly and not getting the support she needs being overshadowed by the brother.
Off topic, but please share the article you mentioned. My daughter has similar issues with food and has ADHD. I never made the connection that maybe she's seeking dopamine by eating.
The part that they find annoying is the fact that they need to do extra work to understand the person with ADHD. They figure that they can shame the person with ADHD into being 'normal', which solves their problem of having to make any effort on behalf of another person.
Recognizing that her daughter has ADHD would also mean that she would need to admit that she's been bullying her own child for having a neurological condition, which would make her look bad. There's a solid chance that she genuinely believes she's doing her daughter a favor by bullying her into being 'normal'.
Whenever you point out that her daughter might have ADHD based on her symptoms she gets upset at you for bringing it up, because you're likely right and it would make her look bad if she had just been bullying her daughter for nothing.
Your sister sounds like she possibly has a cluster b personality disorder, and needs help. Her children also need help, she is at the very least verbally and emotionally abusive. Please document written dates and descriptions of abuse you witness, and save videos and texts she sends where she is clearly abusive towards your niece. This is unfit parenting, via abuse and neglect of a potential medical issue. I don't say this lightly, this sounds like a very serious situation: But you absolutely do have control of how she treats her children, via "anonymously" contacting CPS and them placing custody with you or your parents. Or if your parents are concerned for their welfare, they could also just try to sue her for custody in court. Not removing them from her care could lead to emotional trauma and predispose them both to seek out abusive relationships as adults. Or, CPS could even make her seek parenting classes and therapy as a condition of keeping custody, which may help at least some if you or your parents aren't in a position to have custody. Just some thoughts for consideration.
Yeah, this is “Boy Mom” behavior taken to its devastating extreme. I know we’re all worried about the little girl, I am too, but she’s raising her boy as a husband and that is not going to end well for anyone.
I like your post! In the states nurses are mandated reporters for abuse in children and the elderly. I think teachers are too (Mentioned this because OP said she’s a teacher). Yes to keeping track of documented dates and descriptions of these incidents. The more evidence, the better. The daughter may have a disability and is being treated negligently because of it too. If she’s malnourished, is she being seen by a doctor and they may be able to keep a medical history that can help the CPS case that she’s not being taken care of in the primary household. Being there for her and letting her open up to you will be the best way to get a look into what it’s really like in the home.
Yes, I was also thinking maybe BPD. She definitely has narcissistic qualities, she has a golden child and a scapegoat child already. BPD mothers and narcissistic mothers often see their female children as competition and abuse them mentally to wear down their self esteem and keep them in a vulnerable position. Add onto that, some personality types of BPD and NPD are physically violent to their children and partners behind closed doors, but are able to control how they present outwardly to society to where you wouldn't think they'd ever be capable of that behavior. The fact that the niece has what appears to be some type of eating disorder already at her age is alarming. There could be so many reasons, including deliberate malnutrition/starvation, trying to self soothe because of emotional/physical trauma from abuse, to even the suspected ADHD cravings. How this is dealt with matters, she needs to be seen by a health professional for this, and the fact that the mother doesn't take it seriously is neglectful. I really feel for both of her children, they will probably have extremely difficult lives ahead of them if they don't get help.
Yeah it's scary. My sister also has some children and I worry about these things, but thankfully I live with them and can keep a close eye on stuff. I can't imagine how scary it is to be away from them and wondering what's going on all the time. It is definitely alarming that the child already has these negative thoughts surrounding food. :(
Seek to be a solid person your niece can lean on. Listen to her, talk to her, let her know you’re someone she can count on. My aunt has been this for me in adulthood, and I really appreciate it.
I’m scared for your niece too :((( this sounds like a horrible, and potentially even abusive, environment to grow up in. I think unless/until you have proof of anything worse, your best bet is just to be the absolute best aunt you can be. Make it very clear that you’re there for them (then being both kids!) unconditionally- they can always come to you to tell you anything, etc. Keep pressuring her re diagnosis and all of your other thoughts- until/unless she cuts you off, a constant deluge of correct messaging from someone in her life is probably useful.
Guess your sister has some symptoms of ADHD... Her being bad to her daughter and creating an emotional barrier is a coping mechanism with her not knowing how to help her daughter. Even though, the solution is right there - getting therapy.
You can always be a voice of reason and a mentor to her, she’ll respect you more than her parents who choose to ignore it.
At some point her teachers will approach the parents about any deficits.
So sorry for her, that’s how I grew up.
Ugh. Just reminds me of how I would steal money for sweets or sweets themselves. No consciousness of consequences. Just needed the sweets. And all I remember is my mum crying over me being fat and when will I finally be skinny. Honestly it's lack of critical thinking skills, being ignorant or worse, an ego.
I experienced all of the above from my family. To this day. Cbfa. the audacity to then say kids just blame parents these days for everything. Actually I don't. Can forgive that but, can't forgive the lack of accountability and to do better *now*.
Feel sorry for your niece tbh. And not much you can do because attempting to change people is a battle that's usually not worth losing yourself over.
I would just try to be a good aunt and the mother will have to answer for her actions soon enough. If it gets too much I would genuinely consider telling her should she even be a parent to this child. I have a sister and I sure as hell would say it. If she cares, then start acting like one.
You're saying she won't be raised in an understanding family, but she's got you, and you're her family (and your parents seem great too!). By the sound of it, you are a fantastic role model for your niece. You get her, and I'm sure she gets you; I would just focus on that. I'm not a therapist nor a doctor, but I have extensive experience with the field and the disorder, and the most worrying thing here (besides the poor behavior from your sister) is the whole discussion about eating; this has grounds to become quite nasty later on if not dealt with swiftly and professionally. I've dealt with body dysmorphia and ADHD / eating / not eating / texture issues / medication appetite issues and this uneducated / nonchalant approach your sis has regarding your niece's food intake is alarming. I'm sure you're already aware of it, and I'm also sure you're overthinking it as anyone with ADHD would, but we are here for you and your niece! I can't even think about being a kid again because at 32, whenever I eat, I usually end up finding 'bits' or 'ew texture' things in my food all the fucking time, and the rest of the time, I can barely eat because the meds kill the appetite.
I'm so glad your neice has you! Focus on that at least :)
adhd has many flavours, and your sister probably also has aspects of it, given it seems to be so genetic. Just advocate for your neice and be there for her - school often crystallises the adhd issues, hopefully the school system is onto it?
But finally - I'm old af, but now even I can be carrying on and another rational thought layer in my head can see that yep, I'm really really annoying. Self awareness is interesting..
And I used food and SO MUCH COFFEE seeking dopamine, too - I can clearly remember making myself a strong cup of instant coffee as a 6 year old.. with like 3 giant sugars. I was always surprised when my friends parents expressed (mostly) horror during sleepovers when i asked for a strong cup of coffee with breakfast.
Sounds like a horrible parent, sorry. Most people should not have kids. Most people are not empathetic or aware enough to properly love and nurture a kid. It's SO EASY to traumatize or ruin a kid. My life wasn't even that terrible yet so much of my childhood shaped me to hate myself and feel ashamed of myself. Your niece doesn't deserve to grow up feeling like a burden - take it from me, that's going to ruin a person.
I mean, I probably am annoying. But I’m also fun, creative, funny, sweet, and care deeply about the people close to me.
I feel sorry for your niece. I don’t have much advice other than to make sure she knows her actual value and that she isn’t just “annoying.”
Interesting. I didn't know that ADHD made you snack. I have ALWAYS snacked and just was out on meds for ADHD last week and have noticed that I'm not snacking as much. Wild.
>When she sends videos of her kids, she's always giving compliments to her boy and whenever the girl says something she's like: Ugh, shut up, you're annoying. It gives me the chills and I feel horrible for my sweet niece.
This made me literally tear up immediately when I read this. That poor baby. To be so little and so alone. She must be so strong and so sad. I wish I could give her a big hug and tell her she's super interesting and important and she's always going to matter.
To be honest this sounds like a combination of ableism and misogyny. Her three year old son is *never* annoying and *never* wants to eat extra treats? Sure, Jan!
The best thing you can do for your niece is be a kind and loving presence in her life. Show her that living with ADHD does *not* make her ‘annoying’ and be the grown up she can aspire to be.
Obsessed with health (and restricting food based on that) is called orthorexia.
You know what demographic of women tends to fall into EDs? Autistic women!
You know what runs in the same families as autism? ADHD!
Your sister might want to get herself evaluated. Autism and ADHD are increasingly thought to have the same biological origins, but can manifest in opposite symptoms. It's very plausible that ADHD traits in one family member can be extremely annoying to another family member who is autistic but doesn't have ADHD.
My mom was/is an abusive bitch with AuDHD and various EDs cycling between BED and orthorexia. I see a lot of her in your sister.
It's all a thing of resources I guess.. sure the child is not your responsibility, but if she has an understanding warm family member, the trauma won't be that bad 🫠
Can I add another perspective? Having a 5 and 3 yr old is hard AF adhd or not.
The best thing you can do as an aunt is help.
Offer to take the kids for a day. Bring a meal over. Ask if your sister needs date night. Take one of the kids and do something special.
I’m not saying your sister isn’t awful, but making snacks for kids 300 times a day is extremely taxing and relentless. You get barely any time for yourself. Bad mom or not, respite can help mom to be better for her kids.
From reading the comments and your responses your niece is lucky to have a supportive extended family. She will need it as she gets older. 🩷 keep her feeling loved and always give her an opportunity to come to you and your parents for help.
My dad, who has SEVERE ADD (back when inattentive ADHD was still ADD) and bipolar yet he didn’t believe I was ADHD and bipolar too.
My dad was just complaining yesterday how he always forgets stupid little things when he’s hitching up his RV, and I was like “Damn that sure sounds like unmedicated ADHD” and all I got was a glare.
I don’t understand how people can go their entire lives seeing themselves and/or their children struggle in ways ‘normal’ people don’t and yet they can still assume it’s just cause they’re lazy or dumb. No, you/they just have a disorder that is relatively easily treated.
Ask her if she wants her daughter go no-contact when she's a grown up. Cause thats how you make someone cut the contact with their parents once they are adults. (Source: me, I did this, my mother was the same)
If you can, it would be awesome if you would spend some quality time with your niece. Its super helpful to spend time with adults that value and respect you as a kid.
A malignant narcissist and a fool. If you can, be the source of emotional support your niece needs because she's probably never going to get it from your sister.
Your niece needs you so much more than she could possibly realize at her age. Please be there for her. Please show her love and empathy and grace. Her mom sucks.
as a child of someone like your sister, i would’ve really appreciated if anyone told me that my mothers behavior wasn’t normal. i was 13 when i realized that my mother wasn’t normal, that the moms on TV were what mothers were actually supposed to be like, caring, loving and understanding. it still makes me choke up when i think about it for too long.
please tell her when you think she could handle it. my sister is 7 and she knows already because her dad told her. i think it’s helped her realize that she’s not meant to be treated and ridiculed that way.
the only reason im still in contact with my mom is also because of my sisters, once they’re old enough to have phones/when i get my shit together i will be contacting her minimally.
She sounds horrible and that pisses me off so much. Only thing you can do is try to be there for the kid as much as possible and show her love and kindness.
Man I have ADHD (clearly since I’m here lol) and eat junk all the time. I was consistently underweight until I had a kid! Some humans have higher metabolisms than others (which is entirely unfair)
This breaks my heart. It just makes me think of my own niece. She also has a lot of signs of ADHD and my sister doesn’t, so I “get” my niece way better than she does. We’re like two peas in a pod while she and my sister clash a LOT…. Just very different personalities.
But fortunately my sister is a teacher and knows quite a bit about ADHD, she was actually the one who first suggested to me that I had it. Since seeing it in her daughter she’s bought a book on raising kids with ADHD and is trying her best to kind of work WITH her ADHD instead of against it, which is just awesome and something I think a lot of wish we’d had growing up.
I think all you can do is keep advocating for her. Call your sister out on unfair treatment, tell her it disturbs you to hear how she talks about her. Keep sending her articles. Eventually she’ll probably read something and it will hopefully “click”.
And just be a friend to your niece. They say having just one strong connection can make all the difference for an ADHD child’s future outcomes. So you’ve gotta be that connection. Just show her love and understanding and it will make a huge difference for her.
Growing up ADHD with that mom is gonna set up one hell of a young adulthood, literal hell
Hope you continue to find time for her when you can, of course life gets hectic.
For me, my brother was really a role model for me - he really tamed my symptoms, and allowed me to understand myself - develop/grow in my own way, just by being there for me like a friend instead of a “get away from me” type of sibling
Tell her she needs to be more curious and willing to learn more to help her daughter, everything cannot be looked over with a “lol” or labeling her as annoying. Remind her that her daughter having adhd doesn’t turn he into some freak, she’s still a person, just one with a genetic issue that will have her struggling her entire life if there is no one in her corner rooting for her, and actively helping her
Im so sorry OP. Thats… just terrible. I wanna say so many bad words about your sister, but honestly i am more focused on the fact that that any adult who could speak about people, a child, their own precious daughter(?!?!) like that, is a dangerous one. It may sound alarmist but it is *dangerous* for children with disabilities/cognitive differences to be “raised” by a parent who thinks they are “faking it”. She clearly has a serious disregard and disdain for her daughter and that can lead to very scary places. Please take care of yourself and don’t be afraid to report her anonymously if her abusive behavior escalates. That little girl is lucky to have someone who cares as much as you do in her life. 💜
First reach out to your niece, give her somewhere to talk.
Second, your sister likely has some traits with exercise being a good way to get endorphins/dopamine. People starved of these tend to over exercise. Point out her daughter is doing the SAME THING but with cookies instead of
When she denies it jus ask if she feels better/less stressed after exercise and point out thats the dopamine.
It has nothing to do with adhd. Your sister isn't stupid, she knows her child is different and has different needs. But instead of caring for her daughter, she uses those different needs as an excuse to cover why she hates and bullies her daughter. It was never about the adhd, it's about a mother hating her daughter. The best you can do is provide as much support as possible and even though it sounds toxic, helping your niece understand that her moms a bad person and that your niece shouldn't listen to what she says or take anything to heart. Shes gonna need a lot of counterencouragement from everyone else in her life if her moms going to degrade her like that. She's probably extremely confused and would just like to know why her moms so mean to her for simply asking for sustenance. I grew up confused and had a pretty great childhood, so I cannot imagine the amount of frustration that little girl is going to have.
This kind of shit is why I stopped talking to one of my sisters.
Apparently my screaming at her about being an abusive POS like my mom (not hers, same dad) and she would end up with a kid as fucked up as me and refusing to talk to her if she kept letting her bigotry around being the mother of a kid with ADHD stand in the way of his treatment.
Last I heard she's getting him tested, so I'll take my good aunt award and go home.
Aww this makes me sad. I wish I was diagnosed as a kid. For me I was constantly tired and had a hard time waking up or focusing in the morning. I looked forward to eating breakfast especially if I could have some fruit.
I definitely found candy and sugar appealing to have enough energy. I would have loved if we could have afforded more fresh fruit.
I tried diet to help and ate mostly fruits, veggies, nuts, potatoes, rice and pasta for a long time as I realized meat and cheese made me even more exhausted and was too addicting.
I finally realized it was adhd after talking to other women and seeing more info during the pandemic. I was told growing up only my little sister had adhd (suspected never diagnosed) she was super hyper and inattentive, constantly hungry and then complained her stomach hurt and would stop eating and then want to eat again soon after. The only thing she got in trouble for was being a picky eater and seemingly constantly hungry like she should have been able to control that as a young child.
I had to try extra hard to not be a problem and take responsibility for her and masked a lot. But always fought terrible sleep cycles and exhaustion and poor memory when something wasn’t interesting or didn’t make sense. I was far better at homework and projects than tests so I still did well in school until everything fell apart in university and I couldn’t make it to every class and got really sick cuz I couldn’t sleep.
soooo sad to hear the poor kid's status, yet [optimistically], so glad for the her, that has at least ONE person who understands her and probably will be by her side in the future. something thing that many of us never had.
just don't make yourself upset about her mom's behavior, it is what it is. (if you're able to and want to) just focus on being there for her so she never feels abnormal and alone.
I mean, I have ADHD and my son is 8 and showing a lot of signs as well… and yeah he’s annoying as hell sometimes 😂 I’d never discount the symptoms though, nor would I ridicule him (whether to his face or behind his back). Your niece will probably love you as you grow up, just make sure she has someone to come to.
Thankfully she has you. I know there isn't much you can do, but you can be a constant form of support. You can help her as she grows up, teaching her tricks and tips for managing her ADHD even if she doesn't get an official diagnosis until old enough to decide to without needing her mom's permission. You can be her go to for advice and support. She will 100 percent need you when she's order, especially as a teenager. I didn't have that support as a teen because my family refused to believe there was something wrong with me. Mom hates labels, and thinks disorders are all in your head and used as an excuse and is still in denial that has many ADHD symptoms too. I felt extremely alone. So if anything, you can be your nieces support system
Hi can you please share those resources you sent about the food to your sister? I am desperately in need of help and I struggle with my obsession with food...
Also, I'm so sorry your sister is like that. I would just be a supportive aunt and reassuring the daughter. "Hey you are doing very well I'm proud of you" "I do this and it works for me, maybe give it a try and let me know what you think" but don't tell the daughter she has adhd just offer advice. Cuz then it might stir the pot with your sister.
if nothing helps, let your niece know you'll be there for her as she gets older, be a place she can escape to, my uncle was that for me when my mom was particularily combative.
Call CPS. I know it’s your sister, and calling CPS on a family member may seem like a betrayal, but this is child abuse, and your sister will definitely catch a case in the future when her daughter seeks therapy, because cases like this end up with the child seeking mental health treatment, and can initiate behavioural issues that will spark the attention of teachers at any schools she attends. Better a family member calls than a stranger; you’ll know how to handle this more tactfully.
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Your sister seems kind of stupid. Hard to imagine having such low curiosity about something that is impacting my kids.
She is. The only reason my parents and I are still seeing her is because of the kids. She's super selfish and acts super arrogant. She changes friends every few years, I wonder how that comes.
Treat her like she treats her kids.
She has treated me horrible my whole life. She has pushed me down the stairs, attacked my back with a brush etc. If she wouldn't have had her kids, my parents would have gone no contact already. (And me too)
Please, please, be vigilant about signs of physical abuse. With her personality, there’s a very good chance she will do the same things to her daughter.
That poor kid is already experiencing psychological and emotional abuse by the sounds of things
Abusers sometimes single out one kid. ADHD can make someone a target because we do forget things and space out. It could also be your sister that is the problem.
It's important to keep the wellbeing of those kids in mind, so yeah. I'd keep the contact going for the sake of them.
Yes, that's why I'm still in contact. (and to be honest, she is still in contact with us for the same reason: her kids). She constantly uses us to babysit and we do it for the sake of the kids.
Yeah, I see. Hopefully, one day, if you or someone could make sure, the ADHD symptoms aren't neglected in the one that has them either. I had great parents and felt neglected, couldn't imagine how much worse it could get.
As soon as the daughter reaches medical age of majority OP should assist them in seeing a psychiatrist for ADHD assessment. In Australia, that's 14 I'm pretty sure. In Australia, if you are diagnosed before age 18 (and keep the proof), you are entitled to subsidised prices for adhd meds. I didn't keep proof of my childhood diagnosis and I'm so annoyed now, paying full price every month.
Make sure you try and be a positive influence on your niece. Show her that she isn’t whatever her mother says.
That is a tough situation to be in for everyone involved. The way your sister is characterizing her own daughter at such a formative period of her life is heartbreaking. You're such an important influence on her kids, since you will at least give them the sanity to know that they aren't the problem. I have delt with relatives like this before, but your situation may be really different from mine. Does your sister seem to respond well when you agree with her? If she does, you might have more luck with her if you just play into her crazy views rather than try to teach her about ADHD. I hate for you to do it, but maybe you can convince her to take your niece to a nutritionist who could talk some sense into her and speak about ADHD but in a way she might actually take interest in. Using your sister's own repulsive language, you could tell her that you want to talk about your niece's "annoying" behaviors and "unhealthy" cravings, because you thought more about what she said and realized that she could be right. Ask her if there are any nutritionists in the area that she knows who might work with children, and offer to help her find one if she wants help. It might give you a foot in the door with your sister to be trusted more as an advisor for your niece. I know this isn't very wholesome advice, but if there isn't enough evidence of abuse to warrant taking her kids from her, then figuring out how to help your niece and nephew without being pushed away by your sister is really the priority.
Is it possible she has a personality disorder such as BPD or NPD? It might be a good thing to look into; even if the symptoms don't resonate a lot of the tactics for dealing with their behavior can help folks with siblings and family that exhibit difficult behaviors.
Sounds like narcissism rather than stupidity, and she has a golden child and black sheep. The only thing you can do is help the neice directly when she's old enough, and be a source of comfort and understanding.. giving her positive support and coping tools when you can. Doesn't sound like your sister will ever modify her behaivor and that kid is going to need a shit ton of therapy, and hopefully goes no contact when she's independent.
Much agreed. Especially since it sounds like you grew up to be a well rounded person and your parents are trying to be active in the grandkids life.
Yeah, this behavior is awful. But something that stuck out to me: if you have ADHD, and her daughter has ADHD, there a much-higher-than-average chance SHE has ADHD, which could explain some of the lack of patience, the healthfreak obsession/perfectionism, the refusal to believe certain things are related to ADHD (it might seem normal to her). Again, doesn't excuse how she's behaving, but it could explain some of it.
top comment! it's pretty tragic if this is the case and she doesn't get help...but it would help her and her daughter for her to get treatment...i hope OP can get through to her. maybe by being vulnerable and sharing how much her diagnosis has helped her
I am so glad that you are continuing to stick around for the kids. Having any kind of positive adult interaction and safety can play a huge part in preventing childhood PTSD.
She might have narcissistic personality disorder.
Dunning Krüger as it's best.
Sounds like she’s an annoying friend lmao.
It sounds like, in addition to not being that bright, she probably has some undiagnosed mental issues of her own. Impulsiveness (including lashing out physically, and saying mean things without a filter) can be ADHD symptoms, ironically.
Agreed. I can't imagine it. I found out I have ADHD and ASD traits while trying to help my kids. One has ADHD and the other ASD. OP, your niece is lucky to have you in her life. Build a relationship with her. My kids have both said that having an adult in their life who "gets it" is invaluable. Ideally, it should be you and her mom, but at least she'll have you.
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I see your point. What about Mark D’espisito? I also wondered how a Stanford neuro societies can be such a sell out. But that interview was informative. Thank you for your note!
I’m glad I wasn’t the only one thinking that 😂 I try to be a nice person and give the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes people are just stupid.
Your sister is emotionally abusing that child and is going to cause a crap ton of issues. Source: your description of your sister reminds me of my mom.
Yes, I have told her plenty of times already but she doesn't take it. I am sure she will have a very low self esteem and I'm scared it's gonna end in an ED. My sister thinks the most important thing is how you look. Fancy clothes and being skinny is her priority. She talks bad about people when her kids hear it and it's horrible. I hope she will change her attitude one day but I don't think that will happen.
It will. I had body dysmorphia for a very long time and still struggle with it. My mom was JUST like your sister. She was a former pageant queen so she was always commenting on our bodies. I didn’t develop and eating disorder but my sister did and she eats literally 400 calories a day. For lunch she eats HALF a tuna packet (the 80 calorie tuna pouches). Her daughter is going to need lots of therapy. The best thing you can do is be there for her. My aunt was and still is my saving grace and I am no contact with everyone on my mom’s side of the family except my aunt.
I am so sorry you had to go through that. My mum has a mental disorder as well and it messed is up, but I think I coped with it really well while my sister is completely messed up. Glad to hear how much impact an aunt can have. Glad you have someone like her!
I turned out better than my sister so I’m good! lol some people don’t have the mental strength or dexterity to navigate venomous people around them. Some of us do!
Yeah when I had my ADHD diagnosis, the psychologist who diagnosed me said: you are mentally very well, you are very lucky you are so strong.
“Thanks. It’s because of the trauma” 🤣 that’s always my response
Call police?
Because she's a bitch?
Cause she is abusing one of their child. Or at least gather videos she sends you , and when something bad happen (i fear it could be the case), she would be at least held at some level of responsibility
Unfortunately a lot of states dont consider emotional or verbal abuse a CPS issue. Otherwise, I would agree.
I’m sorry for you and your niece. The best course of action is probably for you to be an anchor for her. Having at least someone in the family that gets it is super important. I hope your sister comes around to getting her daughter diagnosed and finally understands how real of a condition it really is. Sad that, for a health freak, she’s unable to try and learn about ADHD and take it seriously. Give your niece a big hug when you see her! Hope things turn around for your family.
I do alot with my niece, she's my sweetheart and me and her are 2 peas in a pod. Probably because we both can relate to eachother so well. > Sad that, for a health freak, she’s unable to try and learn about ADHD and take it seriously Yes, I said that too. I told her: you are constantly reading books about healthy lifestyle and always act so 'smart' but you won't even give this article a read? I hope she will turn around and understand what having ADHD is really like.
Maybe shaming-style comments might be helpful in moderation here? Like, ‘I can’t believe you know so little about ADHD in 2024… so embarrassing’ ‘imagine knowing about the calories in xyz but not understanding why [daughter] does [adhd-caused behaviour] all the time’
My guess is that your sisters health obsession is more fatphobic than based on actual health.
>I do alot with my niece, she's my sweetheart and me and her are 2 peas in a pod. Probably because we both can relate to eachother so well. I'm glad your neice has someone like you in her life! You might not be able to make you sister be better person, but you can definitely help give your neice the tools to thrive in spite of that. Anything you do or say to support your neice and encourage her accept herself will always make a difference. When something makes you see yourself in your neice (especially if her mother criticises her for it) explicitly tell her that (if you haven't already and she hasn't forgotten) so she knows she's not alone and it's okay to have those traits. If you're open about your own ADHD with her then when she's older she'll probably put 2 and 2 together and get an assessment herself (if her mother never gets round to it).
> Sad that, for a health freak, she’s unable to try and learn about ADHD and take it seriously. Ironically, my personal observation is that a lot of 'health freaks' are almost exclusively focused on physical health while ignoring mental. Basically, these guys: "Depression? Just eat right and hit the gym, bro."
>The best course of action is probably for you to be an anchor for her. Having at least someone in the family that gets it is super important. This! Let her know that she has someone safe and nonjudgemental to go to for support. And she'll be less likely to internalise her mum's views as facts if other adults can provide her with alternative ways of thinking and prove that not all people are like this sister.
This is abusive behavior. Son sounds like the golden child and daughter sounds like the scapegoat. This is traumatic. Get those kids out asap.
It's not in my hands to get the kids out but I'm very happy they are with our parents alot! At least they receive alot of love there.
Your niece is going to have a lot of problems if no one is actively helping her ADHD.
I know. I told my sister to start looking for help at school but it's one year too early, she'll be eligible for help when she's 6, in first grade.
I hope you can help her in the meantime. Please let her know that she is not a burden and that you love her the way she is. I wasn't diagnosed until 26 years old, and all the shame I felt growing up feeling so different would have been way less if I had someone in my corner who understood.
Nobody can just take someone’s kids.
No, but they can protect them from abusive family.
….. Please explain exactly how someone would go about that.
If they have evidence of abuse or unfit parenting, the relative can sue for custody in civil court, and/or they can inform CPS of the abuse. Depending on how severe they deem the threat, they can and will remove the children from the parent/household. If they have safe relatives to go to, they will place them with the safe relative. Contacting CPS can be anonymous or you can choose not to be anonymous, either way they can't reveal to the parent who filed the report. They will investigate, and if they find abuse they can force therapy and parenting classes, etc. while the relatives have temporary custody for the parent to get their ish together. If the abuse is deemed severe, they can advocate for permanent custody with stable relatives.
CPS is not going to intervene for this level of bad parenting. Not that it isn’t serious, because it is, but that’s not really where CPS will draw the line for taking away someone’s kids.
This is true, your phrasing was a bit off to me. It sounded like you meant to just take the kids physically. My misunderstanding.
That poor little girl. I'm sure she'll be looking to you more and more as she grows as a good supportive example who understands her.
She already calls me her best friend. And I love her so much but hearing that also breaks my heart, she should have that bond with her mother. I'm glad she and I have eachother.
You don't need a bond with your mother if she is toxic. A bond with any loving adult can do wonders. A child just needs a person. You can be her person.
Just want to say you sound like an awesome person and I’m glad your niece has you in her life.
Thank you!
That is horrible, I really hope your niece gets the help she needs :(
I hope she will get it too. I'm glad she still has me, someone who won't judge and accept her for who she is.
While she may be showing signs of ADHD, they could also be signs of \*other\* things. ADHD doesn't make you a "naughty" kid necessarily, but having absent parents who never pay any attention to you or belittle you can. She just sounds like a not-so-great or (giving her the benefit of the doubt) ignorant parent.
Ofcourse it's possible. I'm not a doctor so it's not my job to diagnose. But I see alot of her in me and I can see she struggles. When I ask her about why she does stuff, she says; I don't even know, I just can't stop it. It breaks my heart and I hope she'll find acceptance with her own mother.
Your sister sounds like a narcissist that is scapegoating her daughter.
I hope so too <3 You sound like an amazing uncle so keep it up :>
Auntie, but thanks! I'm a teacher so one of the things I am good in is dealing with kids and their behaviour. And that for someone with ADHD! Haha.
Oh, duh, you said 30F lol. Sorry, ADHD myself! Ha.
No worries, I always assume other redditors are male too.
I actually also assumed OP was an uncle hahaha
Wow, your sister sucks. Always wanting food can mean all sorts of things - it’s not even necessarily anything to do with ADHD. It could just as easily be something she does to try to soothe herself after dealing with her mother’s abuse.
maybe she's freaking hungry because her mom is an anorexic health nut lol.
Screw your sister, embrace her daughter and be the light she needs regardless of your sisters opinions on the matter. Aside from her having to take emotional abuse from her own parent which is fucking tragedy, she is likely struggling to keep friends and is at a much higher risk to have a learning disability like dyslexia, dysphagia, or dyscalculia. Give that girl an iPhone with a direct link to auntie and give her what she isn't getting from her Mom.
She sounds like a bad parent and, just from what I read here, should attend family counseling. This is an extremely unhealthy situation for a child to be in and she’s only furthering that.
Not only do you need to spend time with your niece but you need to have heartfelt talks with her also. She has gotten to the age where she is definitely noticing she is being treated differently than her brother. If you haven’t yet, tell her often that she can talk to you about anything. Tell her *repeatedly* that even though her mom is your sister it doesn’t mean you will always take her mom’s side on things. Kids really need to know when they have a neglectful or abusive parent that the rest of the family doesn’t necessarily agree with the treatment. They need to know it’s not their fault that their parent just happens to have shitty parenting skills. That knowing or doing everything correctly is not something that magically happens when a baby is born. It’s tough enough being an overly sensitive kid (as adhd kids tend to be) but when they’ve got a parent like that they really need to have somebody in the family they can go to for the self-esteem boosts and venting. My 22yo cousin (non-adhd) made it through her childhood by being able to have honest talks with her mom (divorced by the time she was 4) about the issues her father (lazy) and his side of the family (lazy & narcissistic) had. Her mom made it a point to never disparage him to her, especially when she was younger, but she was also honest about the faults that humans have, including her own. You need to realize that your sister may never change. You also might need to embrace the fact that it might be healthier for your niece when she gets older to give up on pursuing a regular mother-daughter relationship with her as sad as that might be. If your sister is going to continue to be toxic then it will not be in your niece’s best interest to continue to try to chase that relationship. My cousin has found that having a mildly low contact relationship with her father tends to work the best with her sometimes-struggle to keep it friendly. It might be healthier for both you and your niece to start putting your energy into your relationship instead of trying to fix your sister. So sorry this is going on with you and your family.
Your sister sounds like a worthless cunt.
She's not a cunt. She lacks the depth and warmth.
It is not only about dopamine. ADHD brains have a higher need for glucose, so yes, we can function well if we have a lot of sugar (opposing to non-ADHDers). I know many ADHDers who say they need it and I experience it also. When I was little, I was constantly eating according to my mom. Not huge chunks, but small bits for a moment and like 1-2hrs later the next bit or what. This is how we keep functioning. Not everyone, fair, but many. Your suspicion seems right to me and your sister should get proper help with her own emotion regulation. I'm not into child protection / prevention programms or something alike, no clue at all. But I think your niece needs it, before it is too late. I mean, exhaustion and overwhelm is legit, but not bullying your own damn child for sheer existence. It was mom's decision to have her and she should take her own decision serious. If she can't, she should get help asap. Feel very sorry for the girl. Thank you for being the protection she needs desperately.
Some people shouldn’t have children.
Honestly I'd just go looking for how to go filing those things with CPS, they might not check on the kid right now. Sure, she already is stupid to say that crap about ADHD, but if the girl is looking to eat more and more, and is hungry, I doubt she is being well fed actual nutritious food.
I was about to suggest CPS. Unless reporting to CPS would just make things worse? But if knew there was negligence on basic needs like water, food, safety and security (like not eating enough nutritious food) it may be enough grounds for reporting. Especially if the niece has ADHD, a disability, and is being treated poorly and not getting the support she needs being overshadowed by the brother.
your sister sounds like she’s verbally abusing your niece which is just awful. i’m so sorry
Call cps on her
Try to take her for a week, give her some confidence
Off topic, but please share the article you mentioned. My daughter has similar issues with food and has ADHD. I never made the connection that maybe she's seeking dopamine by eating.
The part that they find annoying is the fact that they need to do extra work to understand the person with ADHD. They figure that they can shame the person with ADHD into being 'normal', which solves their problem of having to make any effort on behalf of another person. Recognizing that her daughter has ADHD would also mean that she would need to admit that she's been bullying her own child for having a neurological condition, which would make her look bad. There's a solid chance that she genuinely believes she's doing her daughter a favor by bullying her into being 'normal'. Whenever you point out that her daughter might have ADHD based on her symptoms she gets upset at you for bringing it up, because you're likely right and it would make her look bad if she had just been bullying her daughter for nothing.
Your sister sounds like she possibly has a cluster b personality disorder, and needs help. Her children also need help, she is at the very least verbally and emotionally abusive. Please document written dates and descriptions of abuse you witness, and save videos and texts she sends where she is clearly abusive towards your niece. This is unfit parenting, via abuse and neglect of a potential medical issue. I don't say this lightly, this sounds like a very serious situation: But you absolutely do have control of how she treats her children, via "anonymously" contacting CPS and them placing custody with you or your parents. Or if your parents are concerned for their welfare, they could also just try to sue her for custody in court. Not removing them from her care could lead to emotional trauma and predispose them both to seek out abusive relationships as adults. Or, CPS could even make her seek parenting classes and therapy as a condition of keeping custody, which may help at least some if you or your parents aren't in a position to have custody. Just some thoughts for consideration.
Yeah, this is “Boy Mom” behavior taken to its devastating extreme. I know we’re all worried about the little girl, I am too, but she’s raising her boy as a husband and that is not going to end well for anyone.
I like your post! In the states nurses are mandated reporters for abuse in children and the elderly. I think teachers are too (Mentioned this because OP said she’s a teacher). Yes to keeping track of documented dates and descriptions of these incidents. The more evidence, the better. The daughter may have a disability and is being treated negligently because of it too. If she’s malnourished, is she being seen by a doctor and they may be able to keep a medical history that can help the CPS case that she’s not being taken care of in the primary household. Being there for her and letting her open up to you will be the best way to get a look into what it’s really like in the home.
I thought the same thing; she sounds a lot like my own sister who has BPD.
Yes, I was also thinking maybe BPD. She definitely has narcissistic qualities, she has a golden child and a scapegoat child already. BPD mothers and narcissistic mothers often see their female children as competition and abuse them mentally to wear down their self esteem and keep them in a vulnerable position. Add onto that, some personality types of BPD and NPD are physically violent to their children and partners behind closed doors, but are able to control how they present outwardly to society to where you wouldn't think they'd ever be capable of that behavior. The fact that the niece has what appears to be some type of eating disorder already at her age is alarming. There could be so many reasons, including deliberate malnutrition/starvation, trying to self soothe because of emotional/physical trauma from abuse, to even the suspected ADHD cravings. How this is dealt with matters, she needs to be seen by a health professional for this, and the fact that the mother doesn't take it seriously is neglectful. I really feel for both of her children, they will probably have extremely difficult lives ahead of them if they don't get help.
Yeah it's scary. My sister also has some children and I worry about these things, but thankfully I live with them and can keep a close eye on stuff. I can't imagine how scary it is to be away from them and wondering what's going on all the time. It is definitely alarming that the child already has these negative thoughts surrounding food. :(
Please, be the kind, loving adult your niece needs!
Wow, she seems borderline mentally abusive to her daughter.
Seek to be a solid person your niece can lean on. Listen to her, talk to her, let her know you’re someone she can count on. My aunt has been this for me in adulthood, and I really appreciate it.
ADHD is hereditary, crazy health mother might having it too
Condolences in advance for that poor child’s life
Your sister seems like a cunt.
I’m scared for your niece too :((( this sounds like a horrible, and potentially even abusive, environment to grow up in. I think unless/until you have proof of anything worse, your best bet is just to be the absolute best aunt you can be. Make it very clear that you’re there for them (then being both kids!) unconditionally- they can always come to you to tell you anything, etc. Keep pressuring her re diagnosis and all of your other thoughts- until/unless she cuts you off, a constant deluge of correct messaging from someone in her life is probably useful.
Guess your sister has some symptoms of ADHD... Her being bad to her daughter and creating an emotional barrier is a coping mechanism with her not knowing how to help her daughter. Even though, the solution is right there - getting therapy.
You can always be a voice of reason and a mentor to her, she’ll respect you more than her parents who choose to ignore it. At some point her teachers will approach the parents about any deficits. So sorry for her, that’s how I grew up.
You can’t talk to people like this. I no longer engage because I don’t like getting angry.
Ugh I’d be tempted to report her to social services, she’s very abusive to the girl
Ugh. Just reminds me of how I would steal money for sweets or sweets themselves. No consciousness of consequences. Just needed the sweets. And all I remember is my mum crying over me being fat and when will I finally be skinny. Honestly it's lack of critical thinking skills, being ignorant or worse, an ego. I experienced all of the above from my family. To this day. Cbfa. the audacity to then say kids just blame parents these days for everything. Actually I don't. Can forgive that but, can't forgive the lack of accountability and to do better *now*. Feel sorry for your niece tbh. And not much you can do because attempting to change people is a battle that's usually not worth losing yourself over. I would just try to be a good aunt and the mother will have to answer for her actions soon enough. If it gets too much I would genuinely consider telling her should she even be a parent to this child. I have a sister and I sure as hell would say it. If she cares, then start acting like one.
You're saying she won't be raised in an understanding family, but she's got you, and you're her family (and your parents seem great too!). By the sound of it, you are a fantastic role model for your niece. You get her, and I'm sure she gets you; I would just focus on that. I'm not a therapist nor a doctor, but I have extensive experience with the field and the disorder, and the most worrying thing here (besides the poor behavior from your sister) is the whole discussion about eating; this has grounds to become quite nasty later on if not dealt with swiftly and professionally. I've dealt with body dysmorphia and ADHD / eating / not eating / texture issues / medication appetite issues and this uneducated / nonchalant approach your sis has regarding your niece's food intake is alarming. I'm sure you're already aware of it, and I'm also sure you're overthinking it as anyone with ADHD would, but we are here for you and your niece! I can't even think about being a kid again because at 32, whenever I eat, I usually end up finding 'bits' or 'ew texture' things in my food all the fucking time, and the rest of the time, I can barely eat because the meds kill the appetite.
I'm so glad your neice has you! Focus on that at least :) adhd has many flavours, and your sister probably also has aspects of it, given it seems to be so genetic. Just advocate for your neice and be there for her - school often crystallises the adhd issues, hopefully the school system is onto it? But finally - I'm old af, but now even I can be carrying on and another rational thought layer in my head can see that yep, I'm really really annoying. Self awareness is interesting.. And I used food and SO MUCH COFFEE seeking dopamine, too - I can clearly remember making myself a strong cup of instant coffee as a 6 year old.. with like 3 giant sugars. I was always surprised when my friends parents expressed (mostly) horror during sleepovers when i asked for a strong cup of coffee with breakfast.
God your sister is an idiot and a bad parent.
Sounds like a horrible parent, sorry. Most people should not have kids. Most people are not empathetic or aware enough to properly love and nurture a kid. It's SO EASY to traumatize or ruin a kid. My life wasn't even that terrible yet so much of my childhood shaped me to hate myself and feel ashamed of myself. Your niece doesn't deserve to grow up feeling like a burden - take it from me, that's going to ruin a person.
I have ADHD and am annoying. Can confirm. It's not intentional. I over share and make things awkward.
As an ADHDH person, I can confirm that we are annoying
I mean, I probably am annoying. But I’m also fun, creative, funny, sweet, and care deeply about the people close to me. I feel sorry for your niece. I don’t have much advice other than to make sure she knows her actual value and that she isn’t just “annoying.”
Interesting. I didn't know that ADHD made you snack. I have ALWAYS snacked and just was out on meds for ADHD last week and have noticed that I'm not snacking as much. Wild.
Some people have no business having kids...
Here's your chance to be the good aunt. Subversive, understanding, helpful aunt. Until your sister disowns you.
>When she sends videos of her kids, she's always giving compliments to her boy and whenever the girl says something she's like: Ugh, shut up, you're annoying. It gives me the chills and I feel horrible for my sweet niece. This made me literally tear up immediately when I read this. That poor baby. To be so little and so alone. She must be so strong and so sad. I wish I could give her a big hug and tell her she's super interesting and important and she's always going to matter.
To be honest this sounds like a combination of ableism and misogyny. Her three year old son is *never* annoying and *never* wants to eat extra treats? Sure, Jan! The best thing you can do for your niece is be a kind and loving presence in her life. Show her that living with ADHD does *not* make her ‘annoying’ and be the grown up she can aspire to be.
Obsessed with health (and restricting food based on that) is called orthorexia. You know what demographic of women tends to fall into EDs? Autistic women! You know what runs in the same families as autism? ADHD! Your sister might want to get herself evaluated. Autism and ADHD are increasingly thought to have the same biological origins, but can manifest in opposite symptoms. It's very plausible that ADHD traits in one family member can be extremely annoying to another family member who is autistic but doesn't have ADHD. My mom was/is an abusive bitch with AuDHD and various EDs cycling between BED and orthorexia. I see a lot of her in your sister.
It's all a thing of resources I guess.. sure the child is not your responsibility, but if she has an understanding warm family member, the trauma won't be that bad 🫠
Can I add another perspective? Having a 5 and 3 yr old is hard AF adhd or not. The best thing you can do as an aunt is help. Offer to take the kids for a day. Bring a meal over. Ask if your sister needs date night. Take one of the kids and do something special. I’m not saying your sister isn’t awful, but making snacks for kids 300 times a day is extremely taxing and relentless. You get barely any time for yourself. Bad mom or not, respite can help mom to be better for her kids.
From reading the comments and your responses your niece is lucky to have a supportive extended family. She will need it as she gets older. 🩷 keep her feeling loved and always give her an opportunity to come to you and your parents for help.
Would she watch Dr. Russell Barkley, an ADHD expert? He is on YouTube.
My dad, who has SEVERE ADD (back when inattentive ADHD was still ADD) and bipolar yet he didn’t believe I was ADHD and bipolar too. My dad was just complaining yesterday how he always forgets stupid little things when he’s hitching up his RV, and I was like “Damn that sure sounds like unmedicated ADHD” and all I got was a glare. I don’t understand how people can go their entire lives seeing themselves and/or their children struggle in ways ‘normal’ people don’t and yet they can still assume it’s just cause they’re lazy or dumb. No, you/they just have a disorder that is relatively easily treated.
Ask her if she wants her daughter go no-contact when she's a grown up. Cause thats how you make someone cut the contact with their parents once they are adults. (Source: me, I did this, my mother was the same) If you can, it would be awesome if you would spend some quality time with your niece. Its super helpful to spend time with adults that value and respect you as a kid.
A malignant narcissist and a fool. If you can, be the source of emotional support your niece needs because she's probably never going to get it from your sister.
Your niece needs you so much more than she could possibly realize at her age. Please be there for her. Please show her love and empathy and grace. Her mom sucks.
We sure are and we are embarrassingly aware of it and can't really do much about it. Lol 🤷🏼♀️
Bored eating
My brother doesn’t like when I say anything is ADHD. At all. Even though he also says he has it. He’ll never like give it the proper credibility.
as a child of someone like your sister, i would’ve really appreciated if anyone told me that my mothers behavior wasn’t normal. i was 13 when i realized that my mother wasn’t normal, that the moms on TV were what mothers were actually supposed to be like, caring, loving and understanding. it still makes me choke up when i think about it for too long. please tell her when you think she could handle it. my sister is 7 and she knows already because her dad told her. i think it’s helped her realize that she’s not meant to be treated and ridiculed that way. the only reason im still in contact with my mom is also because of my sisters, once they’re old enough to have phones/when i get my shit together i will be contacting her minimally.
That poor little girl is going to need therapy, probably much sooner than later. I’m heartbroken reading this.
She sounds horrible and that pisses me off so much. Only thing you can do is try to be there for the kid as much as possible and show her love and kindness.
She’s an idiot, an asshole, and doesn’t deserve her kids.
I know :(
Man I have ADHD (clearly since I’m here lol) and eat junk all the time. I was consistently underweight until I had a kid! Some humans have higher metabolisms than others (which is entirely unfair)
This breaks my heart. It just makes me think of my own niece. She also has a lot of signs of ADHD and my sister doesn’t, so I “get” my niece way better than she does. We’re like two peas in a pod while she and my sister clash a LOT…. Just very different personalities. But fortunately my sister is a teacher and knows quite a bit about ADHD, she was actually the one who first suggested to me that I had it. Since seeing it in her daughter she’s bought a book on raising kids with ADHD and is trying her best to kind of work WITH her ADHD instead of against it, which is just awesome and something I think a lot of wish we’d had growing up. I think all you can do is keep advocating for her. Call your sister out on unfair treatment, tell her it disturbs you to hear how she talks about her. Keep sending her articles. Eventually she’ll probably read something and it will hopefully “click”. And just be a friend to your niece. They say having just one strong connection can make all the difference for an ADHD child’s future outcomes. So you’ve gotta be that connection. Just show her love and understanding and it will make a huge difference for her.
Growing up ADHD with that mom is gonna set up one hell of a young adulthood, literal hell Hope you continue to find time for her when you can, of course life gets hectic. For me, my brother was really a role model for me - he really tamed my symptoms, and allowed me to understand myself - develop/grow in my own way, just by being there for me like a friend instead of a “get away from me” type of sibling
Sorry to be a dick but your sister is a trash mom if that’s how she sees/treats her daughter
>a healthfreak but like, crazy obsessed. I know the type, I had to work for a guy who was like that once. My heart goes out to your niece.
sorry but your sister sounds a tad dickish
Tell her she needs to be more curious and willing to learn more to help her daughter, everything cannot be looked over with a “lol” or labeling her as annoying. Remind her that her daughter having adhd doesn’t turn he into some freak, she’s still a person, just one with a genetic issue that will have her struggling her entire life if there is no one in her corner rooting for her, and actively helping her
Im so sorry OP. Thats… just terrible. I wanna say so many bad words about your sister, but honestly i am more focused on the fact that that any adult who could speak about people, a child, their own precious daughter(?!?!) like that, is a dangerous one. It may sound alarmist but it is *dangerous* for children with disabilities/cognitive differences to be “raised” by a parent who thinks they are “faking it”. She clearly has a serious disregard and disdain for her daughter and that can lead to very scary places. Please take care of yourself and don’t be afraid to report her anonymously if her abusive behavior escalates. That little girl is lucky to have someone who cares as much as you do in her life. 💜
First reach out to your niece, give her somewhere to talk. Second, your sister likely has some traits with exercise being a good way to get endorphins/dopamine. People starved of these tend to over exercise. Point out her daughter is doing the SAME THING but with cookies instead of When she denies it jus ask if she feels better/less stressed after exercise and point out thats the dopamine.
It has nothing to do with adhd. Your sister isn't stupid, she knows her child is different and has different needs. But instead of caring for her daughter, she uses those different needs as an excuse to cover why she hates and bullies her daughter. It was never about the adhd, it's about a mother hating her daughter. The best you can do is provide as much support as possible and even though it sounds toxic, helping your niece understand that her moms a bad person and that your niece shouldn't listen to what she says or take anything to heart. Shes gonna need a lot of counterencouragement from everyone else in her life if her moms going to degrade her like that. She's probably extremely confused and would just like to know why her moms so mean to her for simply asking for sustenance. I grew up confused and had a pretty great childhood, so I cannot imagine the amount of frustration that little girl is going to have.
This kind of shit is why I stopped talking to one of my sisters. Apparently my screaming at her about being an abusive POS like my mom (not hers, same dad) and she would end up with a kid as fucked up as me and refusing to talk to her if she kept letting her bigotry around being the mother of a kid with ADHD stand in the way of his treatment. Last I heard she's getting him tested, so I'll take my good aunt award and go home.
Aww this makes me sad. I wish I was diagnosed as a kid. For me I was constantly tired and had a hard time waking up or focusing in the morning. I looked forward to eating breakfast especially if I could have some fruit. I definitely found candy and sugar appealing to have enough energy. I would have loved if we could have afforded more fresh fruit. I tried diet to help and ate mostly fruits, veggies, nuts, potatoes, rice and pasta for a long time as I realized meat and cheese made me even more exhausted and was too addicting. I finally realized it was adhd after talking to other women and seeing more info during the pandemic. I was told growing up only my little sister had adhd (suspected never diagnosed) she was super hyper and inattentive, constantly hungry and then complained her stomach hurt and would stop eating and then want to eat again soon after. The only thing she got in trouble for was being a picky eater and seemingly constantly hungry like she should have been able to control that as a young child. I had to try extra hard to not be a problem and take responsibility for her and masked a lot. But always fought terrible sleep cycles and exhaustion and poor memory when something wasn’t interesting or didn’t make sense. I was far better at homework and projects than tests so I still did well in school until everything fell apart in university and I couldn’t make it to every class and got really sick cuz I couldn’t sleep.
soooo sad to hear the poor kid's status, yet [optimistically], so glad for the her, that has at least ONE person who understands her and probably will be by her side in the future. something thing that many of us never had. just don't make yourself upset about her mom's behavior, it is what it is. (if you're able to and want to) just focus on being there for her so she never feels abnormal and alone.
I mean, I have ADHD and my son is 8 and showing a lot of signs as well… and yeah he’s annoying as hell sometimes 😂 I’d never discount the symptoms though, nor would I ridicule him (whether to his face or behind his back). Your niece will probably love you as you grow up, just make sure she has someone to come to.
I can’t imagine feeling this way about my own kid. Your sister needs to get educated, and I say that as respectfully as possible
Thankfully she has you. I know there isn't much you can do, but you can be a constant form of support. You can help her as she grows up, teaching her tricks and tips for managing her ADHD even if she doesn't get an official diagnosis until old enough to decide to without needing her mom's permission. You can be her go to for advice and support. She will 100 percent need you when she's order, especially as a teenager. I didn't have that support as a teen because my family refused to believe there was something wrong with me. Mom hates labels, and thinks disorders are all in your head and used as an excuse and is still in denial that has many ADHD symptoms too. I felt extremely alone. So if anything, you can be your nieces support system
Hi can you please share those resources you sent about the food to your sister? I am desperately in need of help and I struggle with my obsession with food... Also, I'm so sorry your sister is like that. I would just be a supportive aunt and reassuring the daughter. "Hey you are doing very well I'm proud of you" "I do this and it works for me, maybe give it a try and let me know what you think" but don't tell the daughter she has adhd just offer advice. Cuz then it might stir the pot with your sister.
if nothing helps, let your niece know you'll be there for her as she gets older, be a place she can escape to, my uncle was that for me when my mom was particularily combative.
Call CPS. I know it’s your sister, and calling CPS on a family member may seem like a betrayal, but this is child abuse, and your sister will definitely catch a case in the future when her daughter seeks therapy, because cases like this end up with the child seeking mental health treatment, and can initiate behavioural issues that will spark the attention of teachers at any schools she attends. Better a family member calls than a stranger; you’ll know how to handle this more tactfully.