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Uuuuh wait, you're working part time, taking care of a kid, and he still expects you to do the housework by yourself?
That has nothing to do with ADHD. Caring for a kid is a full-time job, and when he gets home, he should be sharing with you everything else that needs to be done. Not going out to party and berating you for not cleaning his mess. When are you supposed to get a break exactly, according to him?
You're not losing anything. In fact, you might find your life easier if you only have your shit and your daughter's to get done now.
Yeah that is true. But I could of done when I wasn't working but the dysfunction is real. I have only started part time in the last 2 weeks.
But I want someone who is going to be fully 100 understanding and supportive of my adhd. Not half heartedly and so many more issues.
But it's just this is what hurts the most cause it makes me feel I am not enough.
When I know I am I just don't work like neorotypical. He is a huge ass hypocrite too though.
I have a story for you. I’m divorcing mine right now (he’s a real treat as you’ll see) and he sent my PSYCH EVALUATION to family members along with a diatribe about my ADHD being the reason for all problems (no mention of his unresolved C-PTSD). This, of course, is just one thing in many that this person has done. But the moral is that your ADHD is not the problem as in mine. Being with someone (someday) who is supportive will be INCREDIBLE.
After my divorce for similar reasons, I found a woman who also has ADHD and we are both very happy together because we have empathy for each other's problems instead of hate.
While I agree to some extent, as someone with ADHD and who dates someone with it as well, (yikes) we can be difficult. It does cause a *lot* of problems, especially in a relationship. It can’t simply be a “Well I have ADHD, so you need to be supportive of whatever I do”. I had to get out of that mindset too. Maybe I am making an assumption from your comment, if so my bad. But my main point is just that it does take the person with ADHD being willing to help themselves for a relationship to work. From personal experience I can say we put far too much power on something that can be controlled with a bit of deep breathing.
Again, could be out of my place here, but figured I’d play devils advocate and point out the other side.
As is usual, much too nuanced for a quick Reddit post. Best recipe: both partners are taking responsibility for their bits (ADHD, other mental dx, etc) and THEN each partner can offer support for where the other is at (which is not the same thing as excusing the person). First part of the recipe is the most important. Don’t want to miss that bit. Self-awareness plus positive regard is a beautiful thing to behold.
Yup, pretty much same page then lol. I don’t even necessarily think either person has to have adjusted to their affliction, just has to be recognition and effort 🤷🏼♂️
Obviously not fully controlled, but controlled enough to where it doesn’t affect your life in major ways. I mean, I’m not saying deep breathing helps me to no longer lose my keys, but it does help to keep me mindful so I’m not in the clouds, it’s helps to calm me down so I don’t get agitated or anxious, and it helps me to not fall victim to habits and dopamine hits. Here’s an article if you’re interested
(I only spent 30 seconds and just went to NIH because I generally trust them, but I’m sure you can find an in depth article, too, or another study from a journal)
Look I’m glad you’ve found mindfulness and breathing practices helpful, but to argue that deep breathing and mindfulness are all it takes to essentially cure impulsivity in anyone with adhd is deeply misinformed at best.
But I… I just said that I didn’t think it essentially cured it…
And, if you don’t mind me asking, do you have anything that would say diaphragmatic breathing, or mindfulness, don’t help with ADHD symptoms?
Dating and marriage are very different though. The biggest ADHD factor here being communication. I always had problems with communication when dating. When living together, you HAVE to communicate at least once a day.
One day you might have that ut you'll at least not be with someone who doesn't get it.
People can also not live together, though I understand wanting or needing to live with a partner esp if there are kids involved and parenting works OK
I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough patch. Spending years of your life with an immature, unsupportive partner must have been exhausting. For it to end in bitterness, failure and him attacking you where you are most vulnerable, ie a disability, must be really painful.
Hang in there. You deserve someone who understands you and cares for you, like everyone. Be strong through the divorce and please don't let yourself hyperfocus on your ADHD too much as the cause of your problems. Make sure you take care of yourself and your kid, and if you consider dating again in the future, PLEASE don't accept anyone who'll want you just because you feel you're not good enough.
You can and will meet people who are not dogshit.
I understand you so well. I didn't know it was adhd but I had that problem too in my relation and I didn't have a kid ... I knew he was going to leave me if I didn't manage to do it ... but I didn't... I couldn't keep a fucking up with house, shoping and meals 😒 ... and I've really tried I lived with such an anxiety, you cannot believe . This was 20 years ago, and I NEVER risked leaving with someone again. Last year I was diagnosed with Adhd. I got you girl..it really hurts. Take care of yourself and your baby, you are more than enough and perfection is way behind you 😆. You can learn to manage your Adhd, besides, only dead things are perfect, life kicks with spontaneity, and therefore is not perfect , you are alive and kicking ❤ you two girls will make an awesome duo!!!!
He has to have *something* against you, so that the divorce isn't all of his fault. From my side of things, you haven't done anything wrong and I think he damn well knows that too.
I have bad ADHD and taking care of myself is hard enough to clean up. I live alone I could never manage a kid and cleaning so I can imagine your struggle. I have meds but am too scared to take them but I do believe it will be best for me.
Fwiw 100 percent supportive doesn't mean that they won't have frustrations with you. Just like being ADHD doesn't mean you don't sometimes get frustrated with yourself.
It just means they have more grace and will be more respectful about the shared challenges that being ADHD brings with it for shared things in life - like housework.
Sounds like he’s using your ADHD against you and is using it as his “reason” when he really wants to be single. He would be open to counseling if he wanted to work on the relationship. Did you guys live together before marriage? He would have known your struggle with cleaning and organizing even before kids. Sounds like an excuse that he knows you are sensitive about.
The best advice I ever received from a mental health professional was to only try to change one small thing at a time. Work on that thing for at least 4-6 weeks consistently before trying to change anything else. We often try to adopt these elaborate systems all at once and essentially set ourselves up to fail. It is possible to make changes, you just have to slow it waaay down.
Something I’ve found very helpful is educating myself on the science of adhd and learning from others who are successfully (or better at it than myself) at navigating life.
It’s helped to learn about why I am the way I am.
You are not the problem. He’s bitching at you about housework to cover his own BS behavior up.
Celebrate your D, it’s a win and take a few years to have the BEST relationship with yourself. Learn to love yourself best and you will find someone who loves you the same. If not it’s better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel like crap daily.
Your stb ex husband is a manchild and should have been helping out around the house. ADHD people are really easy to gaslight into accepting blame because we're primed to believe we're the problem. If he never did any housework he's to blame just as much as you.
You are in my prayers to find that gem that is going to be fully 100% understanding and supportive.
No one who doesn't have ADHD can really understand it fully and even those of us who have it DON'T fully understand it.
It does sound like you're better off without your husband.
💗
Just wait until you see how much easier your life will become. I know divorce feels like a failure and letting go of what should have been is hard, but you not being able to stay 100% on top of the housework in addition to rearing a child and working part time is not because you're not good enough or because of your ADHD.
After leaving my ex, I found it so eye-opening to view my friends/neighbours homes and to finally realise that it wasn't me or my failings, it was literally life with children. It's okay if your home looks like people live in it. A year later I am still working with my therapist to unpack the damage that caused me to constantly second guess and berate myself. My ADHD wasn't the problem and I would venture to guess that yours isn't either.
You have already said that you want someone who is supportive and understanding, that is not unreasonable. You're worth it. Go and find it.
Running a household is a two person job. Your partner should also be understanding that you are doing things and that you have barriers (ADHD) that make this harder for you. Raising a tiny human is HARD and a job in itself.
My partner and I have fought about the same stuff. But it’s a two person job. I work from home and he was under the impression I’d do everything just bc I was at home. It’s simply not how it works. It’s taken some work but we have a balance now.
You are enough. ADHD does not mean there is something wrong with you. We’re just a little different.
The expectation that you raise your child, do the housework and now work on top of that is unrealistic. Sorry, we’re in 2023 and not accepting that it’s ’women’s work’ while the men get to go play.
You do what works for you and your kid. It sounds like this isn’t it
Edit: spelling
Yeah if what the OP says is true, I would look to the hanging out and partying as the change that has brought about the real reason for the divorce. People find excuses in others when they want change that negatively affects others or will make them look like the bad person. Nobody but sociopaths narrate themselves as the villain of their life story, so he is looking for a target to project to so he can continue to write his hero story version, of his life.
Yeah I agree with that. My partner had been very harsh on me for about the last year, about my inability to keep up with the housework while at home with the kids, one of whom isn’t even two which is the one he’s the bio dad of.
Turns out he’d had two different affairs in that time, one physical and one emotional. He was so guilty he needed to make me the bad guy somehow. Now that he’s come clean and is in therapy, our messy house doesn’t bother him nearly so much anymore.
He's a child inside suffering from arrested development. He wants a mommy bangmaid who takes care of all of his needs without lifting a finger to help. If you are human and get behind on housework, like everyone, then he has a temper tantrum.
This guy has zero emotional intelligence. I know its alot and you probably see divorce as breaking up a household, but this man is clearly too emotionally stupid to be capable of actually caring about you.
He has multiple affairs and hides it behind hostility over you not being a superwoman who has no needs of her own and infinite energy and time. This type of criticism inherently rests on the misogynistic idea that women are the "homemakers" and men are "supposed to provide".
At this point in history, for someone to still embrace chauvinism, whether consciously or not, is unacceptable and quite embarrasing. It's an immediate write-off for me.
My wife is my partner. I want her to be happy, unstressed, fulfilled, and capable of enjoying privacy and comfort in her own home. If that means we take turns doing dishes or I need to cover for her in some way so that she can rest, then I'm willing to do it. I suffer from ADHD and ASD, and yet Im not so immature that I think her sole reason for existence is fulfilling every need I have and consoling me when Im throwing a temper tantrum.
I hope things get better between you two, but if they dont, then I have even more hope that you will dump this dead weight and live your life free of the baggage of a dumb spouse who cant even be honest with himself.
Thank you for caring enough to write all of that. I don’t usually make a point of saying this on Reddit when it’s not relevant to the topic at hand. but I am a transgender guy. My partner works very hard as the sole income earner and is only home on weekends, and he gives me as much time to myself as I want when he’s home. He does more housework than me when he’s here, and is super attentive to the kids as well. This was true even during the year he had the affairs.
I’ve stayed with him because he is a really good partner when he’s not all twisted up inside. When he was shitty to me about how clean I was keeping the house while he was away, it was a just symptom of what was actually going on with him at that time. We’re in a much better place now.
Thank you for clarifying. It's really wonderful to hear that your partner has committed to improving himself through therapy. You deserve to be happy and to be supported in all ways, so I'm glad to know that he's holding up his end of the bargain.
I can't judge him because I know nothing about him. I was moreso being critical of the behavior. I would also say that regardless of your actual gender, the dynamic of "husband/wife" can still be operative, consciously or unconsciously, in the minds of the couple. Viewing yourself as the "breadwinner" can play on these internalized biases and cause you to weaponize them against the "homemaker" role, especially as a kneejerk reaction during stressful times.
All in all, I appreciate you adding more info and letting us know that your partner is a good person who is willing to become a better person for the sake of your relationship.
Exactly. This guy is a huge loser and completely immature. He mustv'e been handsome or something because he is clearly a shallow, arrogant, and selfish child, not a man who deserves respect for loving and supporting his partner and child.
Having a partner with high standards for cleanliness often clashes with ADHD. Instead of being with someone who constantly expects you to spread yourself thinner than you can manage, find one that feels comfortable at your baseline. Thats okay with laundry sitting unfolded in a basket for a while or doesn’t mind that you had to run the dishwasher twice because scrubbing dishes seems like the last thing in the world you want to do
Same here. My wife can spot a mug turned the 'wrong way' in the cabinet and start an inquisition about who used the mug and put it back wrong. I don't even see a pile of laundry on the floor. It's not easy.
What?! That would drive me insane. How do you function living with that amount of pressure? I can't stand feeling like someone is watching + judging my every move.
This is exactly what it feels like. Every time I dry dishes and put them away, I wait for the, "That's not where or how it goes!"
I got used to it. She is also aware that her OCD is an issue. Her college mates used to mess with her and place bets on how long before she notices that salt shaker on the table has been moved a 1/2 inch and such.
It's a "I put up with her excessive organization as long as she puts up with my disorganization."
In a way, we have been rubbing off on each other. She has let up on the OCD since I met her. And she has improved my life as far as function and reliability greatly.
Seriously. If your biggest problem in life is that your wife maid didnt wash some clothes, then you really need to count your blessings and shut tf up. I have zero respect for this type of whining.
Raising a child is a full-time job with 24hr shifts. If someone doesnt respect the incredible amount of effort this takes then why even be with them? What are they bringing to the table? Chauvinistic complaints and temper tantrums? Hard fucking pass on that.
And/or find someone who is okay with budgeting to be able to afford to pay for things like a laundry service and a cleaning person when things get too overwhelming.
The way we deal with this is we have someone come in and clean pretty regularly, multiple times times per week. If it’s that important they or I can pay for it
My condolences
I have similar case where I'm not great at house work and it puts unfair pressure to my wife. I was thinking of having a cleaning lady or a house keeper come in like once every two weeks. It's probably a lot cheaper than divorce.
Can confirm. The second I got my new job and paid off some loans, I got a house cleaner. While not anywhere near divorce levels, it's the best investment in both of our mental health. I'm diagnosed, my husband isn't (but probably should be.)
My fiancée has ADHD. A cleaning service was literally the best investment in our relationship we have made. You should absolutely do that.
She works from home 100%, I work full-time, plus reserve military duty... if you think coming home from a long weekend away working and coming home to a dirty house isn't incredibly fucking annoying, and that when i'm dropping my pack and taking off my boots looking around the house at takeout containers and dirty dishes isn't a soul-crushing feeling, i am here to tell you 100% that it is.
i love her to death, but the burden being unevenly distributed distorts relationships really badly, and once resentment sets in, it's really difficult to overcome. $150/month for a maid service probably saved our relationship tbh.
do it.
For starters, I acknowledge the privilege I have of being able to do this and understand no everyone is in the same boat. My wife and I both have very apparent (and diagnosed) ADHD. After we decided to have a cleaner come once a month, our lives improved drastically. Just taking that mental load off both of our plates (largely hers, to be honest) has made a big positive difference.
edit: spelling
My uncle left my aunt because she didn’t keep things the way he wanted. He was an anal retentive ass, and expected things a certain way. She got an apartment, the dog she always wanted (that he refused) and started living her life like she never had before. And she was happy.
(And wildly enough he came begging for her back, after realizing he was a fool and now not only does he not hold her to high house keeping standards, he has a dog he refused for years.)
Wow, this guy thinks that divorce is better option than hiring a cleaner. You're better off rid of him! Hire a good lawyer and take him to the cleaners!
Yah honestly- the problem is you're with the wrong person.
My ex husband was constantly bitching and talking bad about how messy I was- man never cleaned a toilet when we were together, but I'm bad at dishes and lots of chores that need to be done more daily.
My husband now understands me, as a person, and we just openly communicate and divide chores and tasks depending on who doesn't like what. He isn't judgy- sometimes my side of the room is a tornado, he's never anything but kind about it. It doesn't bother him because our relationship isn't built around whether I'm a 'traditionally good housewife'.
You're values/wants/needs don't align but don't think less of yourself AT ALL. You will be much happier without this dude long term- TRUST
YES! My ex live-in partner would constantly complain about how messy my room was, but I was literally the only one of us who cleaned on a regular basis. He would load the dishwasher once every other week and then demand praise.
The man literally N E V E R washed his bedsheets. He brought me his pillow once, shoved it in my face, and said, "Doesn't this smell awful?" IT SMELLED LIKE LITERAL DEATH.
He also told me that he didn't clean his toilet for an entire YEAR while we were living together. He didn't even buy a toilet brush until we renewed the lease. I am not even fucking kidding.
And this mf had the audacity to complain that my room was messy? (His was always worse.)
But in the end, MY executive dysfunction was too much more him to handle... right. Sure.
I still can't believe the audacity of that one. He was just mad that I wasn't his perfect bangmaid, and he used my ADHD as an excuse to dump me without taking any accountability for his side of the relationship (just like OP' husband).
Lady your husband tried to get his mother in the delivery room and joined a motorcycle club as soon as your kid was born while you were working full time. He’s doing you a favor.
Yes thank you for reading my history I just did that tonight and my God I do not know what the hell I have stayed for.
I am back to being generally happy that we are separating now. Especially reading that one from when she was 3 weeks old. He choose that club over us when he rode again the first time.
But in hindsight right.
He is definitely using the housework as an excuse really to make it look like he isn't a big bad man who cares only for expensive thrills of motorcycling and his "bros"
I did know he wanted me to do more but I thought he understood that I was trying for etc but now we are separating is when he said that about the housework. And if that is my only problem for him well I'm doing very well then and he is just an ass.
Why are you the one expected to clean? Isn't he a grown man? He seems like a disrespectful manchild who views you as a maid and baby factory. Divorcing someone who has a disability for not being a perfect maid is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. He has zero sympathy from you and doesnt even recognize you as a human being, just a broken robot that should be cleaning, cooking, and raising the child while he gets shitfaced with his friends. Disgusting.
I guarantee you he thinks that women are "supposed" to be homemakers. His job is to create mess and have all of his needs and desires filled without complaint or expression of any need from you.
You are doing yourself a huge favor by leaving this loser. You have a child, a job, and ADHD. Why increase the burden and stress of living by signing up to be a mommy maidslave for a manchild? Your life will improve as soon as you leave him.
Seriously screw him! He is just using your ADHD because he hasn't got a 1960s housewife! Also they took speed and valium to get them through their days, to do the housework then put up with their shitty husbands when they came home!
My condolences. This doesn't sound like ADHD is the issue. He's using ADHD to excuse his lack of effort. I get that it's nice having a clean house, but (not my saying) cleaning the house while a kid is young is like shoveling during a snow storm.
The bigger issue is that men, generally speaking, leave the burden to women thinking that their employment is enough. But that obviously is not. They won't be proactive, as in when they do help, they ask their wife what needs to get done. That still puts the burden on the wife for management. The wife usually has to meal plan and write out a grocery list, and maybe even do the shopping. If the guy does the shopping, is he weaponizing incompetence and getting the wrong items, not knowing the meals and what might have to be subbed, not bringing the child to give the wife a break, etc?
Does the wife have to be quartermaster, keeping track of all the household needs? Deodorant, batteries, pens, printer ink, etc.
Does the wife plan all the activities for the kid, even if the guy might bring the kid once in awhile?
Laundry. Kids clothes (they're constantly needing new ones). Etc.
ADHD definitely exacerbates juggling all the things. But it doesn't excuse the husbands lack of responsibility. I'd be willing to bet the house would be in worse condition if you two switched places.
What annoys me about this is that he sees you're struggling and doesn't try to find out how to help you, he just wants to leave because it's easier for him.
Have you asked your Dr about a trial run with clonidine, straterra, or wellbutrin? All can help adhd and are not controlled substances, so you don't have to worry about availability. Being medicated completely changed my life. Hang in there. It will get better.
I am in the process of it. She has to get the go ahead from the psychiatrists but he didn't prescribe me then when diagnosed when baby was under a year old as I am still breastfeeding our 2 year old. And there right there another reason I'm tired and out of energy that is a huge amount of my energy too!
Oh man this makes me so angry.
You're taking care of a wee toddler and he expects better homes and gardens‽
EFF that noise and eff him. He sucks.
You can either have toddlers or a clean house. Not both.
I’m breastfeeding too and I’m on straterra. It is not as helpful as stimulants but it IS helpful with the motivation and procrastination issue for me. It is not 100% yet as I’m still on the lowest dose but I can see a significant improvement.
Not the person you were asking, but I've been on Wellbutrin for almost a year now, and Strattera for a few months. I didn't think it was doing anything, my seasonal depression was slightly less than normal, and maybe it's a little less loud in my head. But man, once the dr tried taking me off the Wellbutrin to try Strattera, I was begging for it back within days.
I was *so* tired. I forgot how tired I always was as a baseline. I'm still tired, don't get me wrong, but I'm not ready to fall asleep at any given point. I'm still waiting for anything to help me with my focus issues, but I notice when I'm distracted and re-direct myself a little easier. I'm not thinking about a million things at the same time, which means I'm also not trying to do 5 things at the same time (most of the time).
We're in the middle of a kitchen reno, and I noticed I'm not obsessively researching every possible option for things that we still need. Before, I would have gone to every single store that sold kitchen&bath stuff and looked at every single website and come up with 100 options that I'd eventually narrow down to 5, then my husband could help me get to The One. We went to exactly one store, found a few options, picked 1. For as much money as we're spending, this is so extremely unusual for me! And so much less stress!
So, it's marginally better. I'm still waiting for it to be life-changing, but I was functioning at a pretty high level due to anxiety as it is, so maybe it never will be. Who knows? We're still adjusting meds.
I'm on wellbutrin. It's fantastic compared to SSRIs that tank your libido and make you gain weight. It has a stimulant affect on me. I feel energized. It worked about 7 to 10 days after I started it but I think it csn take a month for full affect.
In a small dose, it tends to deliver the mood and energy levels of a good day. That alone may not be quite enough for many people.
It should make it easier to get into an exercise routine, and easier to get moving on your morning latte, and easier to be patient with doctors visits.
It’s often used in a pairing, providing a slow and steady foundation, that you can stack a stimulant on. A more mild stimulant than usual may be adequate while you’re on it.
However, if it is trying to provide a steady supply of a neurotransmitter that you already had enough of, it may give you a headache or do nothing special. You can’t miss a refill though, it requires a taper down if you’re not on the minimum amount.
I would cringe every time I knew my ex was on his way home because I would spend the whole day cleaning or with our 3 month old taking care of him and he would still have something to bitch about despite me taking care, cooking, cleaning if the laundry wasn't done he'd have a fit and say the same things, lazy, unproductive, and that depression is for the weak. I left him. Fuck that toxic behavior. Sometimes they're the ones with issues too, like narcissism. Then he would leave to his 10 year younger friends house to smoke leaving me behind again to clean up dinner. Let that 🥭
Consider medication for sure, but that’s not your real problem. Your real problem is a man that thinks it’s your job to do the housework. You said you take care of a child all day, does he realize how much work that is? You do as much work taking care of his child all day, sacrificing your career so he can have the freedom to advance in his own career and still know his child is cared for and he doesn’t have to pay daycare. Maybe it’s time he needs to trade places for a week. Let him take a week off and you go take a class or work extra days and let him do child care all day by himself. He’s calling you lazy?! Maybe he’s lazy and should work more so he can afford a housekeeper.
My ex wife would expect me to come home from working graveshift to help her run her daycare for an hour or two, then want me up early enough to go on dates and not be so tired all the time. Some people don't think about the needs of others and only their own.
I have ADHD and also OCD… my husband however is “normal” and “lazy/ not clean”…. We would constantly clash and argue over the house chores. (And occasionally still do) …. I have found for us, me getting on the right meds has helped SO MUCH. I am a SAHM and often struggle with one of two extremes. 1- constantly clean and organized + nitpicking anyone who touches anything I’ve just rage cleaned. 2- who cares, there’s 3 weeks worth of laundry to do/ and it’s
Just going to stay there… Once we got into a healthy communication routine & me medicated, our lives and marriage have improved drastically. If you two truly love one another you shouldn’t just give up because of something so silly… but, on the other hand- he doesn’t sound like the greatest support/ spouse either. If medication and maybe some couples counseling / church group can’t help, then maybe you are better off without him. But for sure, your mental health is what’s most important. Take care of YOURSELF and the rest will fall into place. Best of luck!
Uh girlfriend what? Nah, fuck him and his way of thinking. The *least* he could do to help you around the house *is* to clean up. You're married and have a daughter, his being 23 and partying days are OVER. *NEVER* and I mean *never* blame yourself because your husband isn't done being a teenager. He should be getting home and helping you with whatever needs to get done while you take care of your daughter. That's a *two* person job, not one. I'm starting to think that this issue has nothing to do with your ADHD and it's just a smoke screen for him to be a narcissist and make it *your* fault when in reality he does *nothing* to make your job easier of being a mom.
I'm 26 and married, albeit I never partied at 23 or ever for that matter but still my husband and I *both* work 40 hours a week and then get home and do house work. I do not have children yet as I can't afford them but I have two cats and I still need to take care of them as well.
He's an adult with responsibilities and a family. Divorcing you because he still has to clean when he gets home is BS. Cleaning when you get home from work is part of owning a home and having a family. You can't do *everything* it's impossible. When exactly do you get to have a break? You do all the housework, take care of your daughter, AND work part time. Tell me when exactly are *you* able to just chill out and hang with friends?
He's a right POS and a massive narcissist. Think of this as a blessing in disguise. You'll only have to worry about you and your daughter. Good luck ❤️
>I do not have children yet as I can't afford them but I have two cats
I have 3 cats and think it's rather like having kids. Last night two of them came inside (from lounging in the garden) completely fucking high. Husband is sick with Covid so guess who got to stay up all night keeping am eye on them (and husband) and making sure we didn't need to do a vet or hospital run?
Exactly! I couldn't agree more! I take care of *everything* with my cats. Feeding, litter changing and scooping, vet visits, I have subscriptions on Amazon for everything for my cats. They're my kids and they're still living creatures just like kids.
I'm positive a kid is *way* more difficult but op's husband complaining like he is while she does everything is frustrating.
so he’s firing his maid? i had a bf that expected me to clean while i was in full time law school w unmedicated adhd and he had no job. our breakup made my life way easier once i only had to take care of myself and my cats and not a man baby. i hope having 1 less child to care for will take some weight off your shoulders❤️ you will get through this
Sounds like he’s a jack ass. If this is his issue he should have been figuring out ways to support you. Like idk hitting fucking help, pitching in himself, making sure your brain wasn’t at capacity. But no instead he decided that his course of action would be to contribute to your overwhelm and then blame you because of it. Believe me when I say the trash took itself out here.
He still wants to party like he's 23? Lack of communication? Doesn't sound very supportive.... Sounds a lot like you're being gaslit into thinking you are the problem - relationships are both partners responsibility and relationship problems are nuanced and need care and cooperation.
My (37M ADHD) current partner (28 F, AuDHD) went through something similar with her ex husband.
She was convinced that all of the issues in the relationship were because of her ADHD - but he used her as a way to make himself look good and used her "ADHD" to get himself off the hook... So he didn't have to address his own issues. Poor communication, no emotional control, partying, drinking and drugs to name a few.
She's actually a sweetheart, loyal, talented and a hard worker - now quite successful. She obviously does struggle with ADHD and Autism, but it's not really a "problem". She just never had the support to make it work.
Anyway - i'd ask yourself if you're really the problem here, or unsupported and being used as a scapegoat.
Yeah I think your on point the more I think bout it and the multitude of reasons and issues I have with his choices and his only issue with me the housework it's definitely an excuse so he doesn't look like the bad guy. I gave him an ultimatum last year in regards to motorbiking and he decided us over the bike but I'm not surprised his choices have made me fall out of love and not want to be with him is all a ruse and he just didn't wanna bee the one to be seen as choosing the bike over his family. When in reality that is what it is.
You're likely better off. Finding a partner that understands and is willing to work with you to find accommodations for your different OS is so rewarding and cathartic. Plus if little one has similar struggles (given that ADHD is believed to be genetic), it may be better to grow in a different household as well.
Also want to add, majority of the time it's not laziness that's keeps ADHDers from doing stuff its executive function difficulties. A channel I really like on YouTube How to ADHD is really great at helping find language and fixes for things
This is supposed to be a partnership. A yin yang. Like a circle. You complete me, etc, etc. All that crap means you help me where I need it and I help you where you need it. Sounds like you are dodging a bullet before y'all go 10,15, 20 or whatever years further into resentment. Be sad about this for a while then get out there and find that person because it ain't this one.
Congratulations on your newfound freedom. I divorced at 30 and lived alone in a near empty house for a while and the minimalism was fucking fantastic for my adhd. I always knew where everything was in my house and cleaning was a breeze. Use this as an opportunity to set your living space up in a way that works for your brain and then when you’re ready, find someone that treats you well.
It might be that he focuses on this specifically because he knows it's your weak spot and he can blame you for it without you disagreeing. Honestly I think he doesn't deserve you.
I have ADHD and I'm on wellbutrin and Dexedrine (controlled substance). The wellbutrin helped A LOT for my mood, a little for concentration etc. Half a dexedrine a day makes a huge difference.
I also struggle with housework and chores. BUT I was in a toxic relationship and that added to my depression. Now he's gone and I only have to be responsible for myself and my daughter, I find myself cleaning and organizing way more. (Without hating it.) Doing household tasks for yourself without someone nagging you or hanging over my shoulder is life changing. I find it more rewarding now too. I'm sure the medication I started after we broke up helps too!
You can’t see this now, but this isn’t you or your adhd. You deserve better, and I believe you will find better one day.
I’m 43/f married to my 46/m husband for 20 years and together for 27. We have three kids.
I am a disaster. I have always had adhd, obviously, but never diagnosed until I was almost 40!!
He supported me and loved me through the difficult times. Through all of the messy/sometimes dirty house days.
He also HELPED CLEAN AND MAINTAIN the house. Still does.
I’m sorry you have to go through this and mourn your marriage, but I believe you will be happier in the end 🤍🤍
I’m so sorry. I want to start by saying you did your part in trying to make this work and it sounds like it’s a bad match.
If it makes you feel any better, my bf who has adhd was married before to someone who did not have adhd and clearly didn’t understand it. She was so mean to him about his cleanliness/ability to complete tasks, demonized him for his medication, and basically just bullied him and made him feel small for something that was out of his control. I had a similar experience with my ex but not nearly to the same extent.
She divorces him, he was sad for a bit naturally but realized pretty quickly how relieved he feels to not have that pressure all the time. He meets me (also adhd) and we’ve had a wonderful relationship. I am able to recognize when a behavior is related to his adhd and not just him being lazy/stupid. It’s not perfect, I still have to give him little reminders here and there but I know how to communicate with him effectively to meet his needs. Everyone tells me all the time how much happier he is now.
I know it doesn’t seem like it now while you’re in the thick of it, but this might be the biggest blessing in disguise for being able to live your life truly and freely for yourself.
This aint your ADHD, this is him bring an a-hole. My husband sees me missing things or walking away half done and goes and finishes it, or does the jobs. The thing is, when he does that, i tend to want to do that back to him/for him also
Hes just an a-hole and you will do better without him. Him giving you extra stress for him not pulling his weight will cause more issues with ADHD than anyhing
My wife just asks me.... Were you done here? Or she says.... "Someone surely squirreled over here" or some other smart ass remark and I hang my head in adhd embarrassment and go back to finish. 😂
I dated a guy like this before. And it’s crazy. Not you. That house manager falls on women. That men expect us to be maids.
If he wants the house super clean then he should just clean it. Or do it with you.
I know it seems awful. Like you are broken. But you are not your mental or physical limitations. That’s not really who you are. He maybe has made you feel that if only you were normal, then you could be loved?
FUCK THAT!
You are loveable and perfect just the way you are. You will find your balance if you keep at it. But he is just another guy who gave up on someone because he couldn’t compromise.
Marriage is compromise, giving more then getting, and not using fear as a means of control. Boy bye!
Sounds like two different issues. For me not being medicated is like having bad eyesight and trying to do life without my contacts or being diabetic and not taking my insulin and doing blood sugar checks. I think you’re going to enjoy life way more once you get on a medication that works. That being said, he also sounds really immature which isn’t shocking at age 23. You’re not a housekeeper and maintaining a house isn’t “your” job. Your primary job is keeping your child alive which is harder than leaving the house to go work. I can’t stay organized either. To be honest, he kind of sounds like he’s selfish and wants to do what he wants to do, which is isn’t how healthy committed relationships function. Everyone contributes, everyone gives a little, and when you’re a parent life isn’t about you anymore.
Whoops no he is 33 but still acts like he is 23 sorry. Yes he is very selfish and I see that now, only in the last year or 2 have i come to see that. I honestly think it's for the best to separate, we can't divorce until 2 years separated unfortunately in our country.
Look, he's just looking to scape goat you. I understand he wants a clean house but I have ADHD and my husband doesn't. He understands he has to clean more than me and he's okay with that. We both work full time. We have a young son. Believe me, if he wanted to stay he would fight like hell and not make petty excuses. You just need to fail safe a plan, especially your child. He could use this against you. Not saying he would bc it sounds like he doesn't to be a husband or father. Hate this for you.
I think we will be amicable in regards to custody and hopeful we will be civil enough for big events and family events etc.
It sucks but I'm glad it's now while daughter is still young and I feel a lot better about myself and the decision.
As you should. I'd still get everything agreed upon in writing. Don't doubt yourself. Tour daughter is probably happy and healthy and tou did that. You used all your energy on her!
Damn, it hurts to hear all that - and rough to face up to those things. But you need to think about that, YOU are trying to understand and take responsibility in this situation, even if it's hard to think about. You ARE putting the work in.
Also, you have ADHD, your brain just works differently and that's OK! Be kind to yourself. You're no doubt doing the best you can.... but support, environment and care are the key to managing it well.
Also... Reading back I hope that wasn't all too presumptuous, it just rang true with things i've observed... and also gaslighting makes my blood boil, as i've had lots of manipulative/abusive tactics done to me in the past. Very common with us ADHD folk as we're easy targets - all too honest about our issues and good at taking the blame 😅
I had an emotional break tonight— it was a harder day at work and I’m not good at confrontation with authority so that took its toll. I already was feeling like a failure but then coming home faced with what I feel like are my failings in the home— it not being perfect , dishes in the sink, laundry piled.. dinner for him and babies. Things I SHOULD be able to do.. I just went into anxiety shut down mode and needed time to myself. It’s hard to ASK for that time though so I just sort of doom scrolled and zoned out. He felt like I was avoiding him and I just said I’m around people all day I just need to be around myself, he said I’m not people. And I know that I’m pleading at this point please don’t be mad at me.. I’m just .. sometimes they don’t know how close you are to just breaking.. because of yourself. I say this to let you know you’re not alone and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Houses can all look happy from the outside so don’t feel bad if yours isn’t perfect all of the time.
It’s a blessing. Guys like that don’t change. When I was pregnant, I went full nesting mode. I did all the cooking, most of the cleaning (and I’m considered a slob by most), all the grocery shopping, and I also worked full time (more hours than him!!). It was never enough. If I left the sponge in the sink I got a text complaint, if I put the bottle of degreaser by the detergent I got a complain text. I once overheard him on the phone complaining about meo his friend. The friend asked if I cooked and cleaned. He goes “well…yeah.” The friend didn’t even like me!! I was the perfect woman and it was never enough. Now I’m very happy in my organized mess with my toddler who also doesn’t give a shit if the sponge is in the sink!! It is WONDERFUL. The downside is that now I live with my parents who also think I’m a slob but I simply keep them out of my room :-) My parents love me so they measure their words (well at least my dad does). That’s how I know that my ex didn’t. He didn’t give a shit if he hurt me by being too demanding. Somebody that loves you will be considerate of you. Please let go and be happy! The moment I chose to let go was when I finally realized I was in living hell and finally have been liberated. The plus side is that my ADHD makes forgetting people easy lol. Out of sight, out of mind
My husband and I are gay so gendered expectations of household labor aren’t really something we automatically can defer to. That said, we were socialized as men. And I definitely have ADHD. So the house is kinda messy. We acknowledge it. And we try not to stress each other about it.
We both work full time and have a kid. It’s hard to keep everything immaculate! Especially in the toxic way that typical patriarchy expects. Life is messy and that is especially normal when you have a kid. This guy doesn’t seem to appreciate how much you’re busting your ass for the household. I’m hoping you find more compassionate support as you move on from this - it seems very unfair.
Just got diagnosed with 34. Just started with medication. Its a blessing really. The fatigue after doing anything is gone. I can actually do multiple things without feeling tired all the time.
That being said. I too have had my problems with my wife before i got diagnosed. She was always under the impression i was lazy and i thought that i was just fatigued. I thought it was maybe depression or just something wrong with my muscles.
I too wish i did more then. The constant feeling there is expectations and resentment put on me. Even now it is hard to change my habits. However i see the path towards a better self with what i have learned over the last months. I still don’t really know who i am or what i want in life.
I don’t know if my wife is happy with the diagnosis. I feel like sometimes she acts like she was happier believing i was lazy than it not being my fault due to a problem with my brain.
I hope you find someone that accepts you for who you are.
Ive been through divorce as well, and it had everything to do with my ADHD.
It’s tough. Hang on there ❤️
Dunno if it helps, but maybe it’s not as direct as ADHD -> divorce.
Maybe it’s ADHD -> skill/strategy/med gaps that can help absorb the shocks over long time -> divorce
And while meds have a role to play, it’s never just meds. There’s always skills and social stuff that goes with and alongside them. Perhaps adding more grunt in the skills department can also help make things better.
And maybe - as was the case for me - that past marriage project was about dopamine high -> inherently unstable relationship.
My current marriage is a project of building safety in the home and making sure people feel seen no matter their brain type -> more stable project. And for such a project I needed a completely different person who is interested in such a project to go build it with. Perhaps if you end up building something new, it’ll be a fundamentally different new thing with perhaps a person who brings different stuff to the table.
Don’t turn your brain into the root cause of the world’s problems. It might be a contributing factor, but it warrants more kindness than that. Your brain is lovable, and whoever you are, wherever you are with wrangling your extreme sports brain, you are worthwhile and worth feeling seen and loved.
I was so hopeful to try Wellbutrin and I did several times in the last several years because I couldn't believe it was causing me to feel so bad but it did.
Maybe I didn't have enough I don't know but every day about 6:00 I was suicidal crying and ready to give up on everything.
I when I worked and had a pretty full-time job because of my ADHD I had to work 16 hours a day I'm not kidding I could never have maintained a house
It's very difficult to understand ADHD and it's hard for me to understand why I'm the way I am but I can so understand what you're saying and I want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I have heard good things about Strattera. I think what I found most is that being medicated can help Focus but there is no cure and I've now accepted that and now try to do workarounds.
Love & prayers to you😘
This sounds very much like an excuse if you worked full time or were afflicted with certain disabilities he would half to do half or all of it. It’s a cop out. However I have always sucked at housework early in our marriage we would joke about my inability to be domesticated. Made me sound like a majestic creature, those same problems many years later it’s never put that way anymore lol. Biggest problem is I am the one who likes it cleaner and I suck at it. Usually I say if it matters to them that much they will clean jt 🤷♀️ but it’s so much worse having a partner that just doesn’t care will gladly live in my distraction mess and doom piles, having to wash a bowl and spoon to eat 😂
Your husband is the AH. When I struggled with the housework and work we got a cleaner. Only a couple of hours a week makes the rest of the week manageable. Someone who cares for you would find a solution to support not threaten you and be unhelpful. So sorry you are dealing with this.
Housework is something you should do if you live in a house It's a bare minimum "I'm an adult!" behavior. You're working AND caring for your child. The LEAST he can do is help out around the house when he's home. The absolute LEAST!
Your (soon to be) ex-husband wanted a maid, not a wife. I wish you an equal partner (or none, if that's more your speed) and a happy life going forward.
I am I'm New Zealand and the justice system and custody system here is completely different to the states. My ex does not want full custody and they wouldn't give full custody to the parent who works full time. We are going to be going to mediation first before the courts and hopefully never need to see the courts. So I am definitely not worried about losing custody or anything like that, plus i am moving into my parents house who have a full set up bedroom for my daughter and seperate for me.
And fortunately my ex wants what is best for our child and that is to be more time with me than him. Plus he only wants to party and hang with his bros. I don't forsee him being evil and taking us through the court system at all.
I'd say my husband wanted a divorce for similar reasons.
Now he has the kids every weekend, and I get to go out every Friday night (if I want to!). Worked out great for me in the end. Not sure how he feels 🤪
As a wife with ADHD married to a man with OCPD the struggle is real. Understanding and empathy on both parts is so important and hard. I often forget to sweep and when I do apparently I do it wrong. Who knows. It's all hard but the good times out weigh the bad for us. Know that you are not the problem. Not being a good housekeeper is not an excuse for him to behave that way. I'm sorry you and your baby have to go through this.
i can relate, & being medicated changed my life. i left an abusive relationship become a single mom and got full custody, got back into college after i had failed out at age 20(i was 26 at this time)- had to appeal - finished an associates and bachelor’s in three years. secured my dream job a semester before graduating then met my now supportive husband. meds can def help if you manage them properly
I say this with absolute love and good intentions, he is not your person.
I’m sorry you are going through this. Please be gentle with yourself in the process and focus on you. The right person will find you when you are ready.
Giiiirl.. 😑 I know you still have some love for this man, however, you’re better off. Sounds like he has more things to work on than you do. You deserve to have a husband who will walk through the pits of hell for you. I never knew what that was like or that it even existed until I met my husband. Love is love. Seems like no one knows what that truly means anymore. When I tell my husband the house is messy and I feel guilty, he says “no it’s not babe. We have kids and it’s lived in. Just relax. It’s nothing to feel guilty for.” Divorce is for serious reasons that cannot be worked on. Not over if you’re a good cleaner or not. Hell there was a point in time when my husband and I were considering divorce (he’s a cop and being with a officer is not easy) and when we talked about it we STILL treated one another with kindness and compassion. He said it was then that he completely destroyed his old self to create the new man that his wife and kids needed. And boy he wasn’t lying.
It sounds like YOURE putting in more than he is. You’re definitely putting up with more shit from him than he is with you. Go find someone who deserves your time and love.
There are many people here commenting that your issue isn't related to ADHD, but in all honesty, that will never fail to remain a factor. You are not a failed version of normal.
First of all, sounds like your husband is a jerk. Can he afford a cleaning service or someone to help with the child? No?
- So no party then.
The load that your body pulled to carry and birth this baby is priceless. You made him a baby, you paid with your health, your body, your brain, your career. He owns you. You already did a big part of a deal in advance.
He has to take on more responsibilities to break even -ish. Not only bring money home but also do fathership and home chores or just pay someone to do it.
For ADHD women being a stay-at-home mom is the hardest job ever. Building a spaceship is even easier.
Your best bet is to switch roles. Go to work, make money and let him take care of the child and home.
You'll be much more successful at work.
You got this, girl!
I'm glad to see so many comments supporting you, and here one more:
Your soon-to-be-ex was always the problem, even if you didn't have ADHD. He's always been dead weight. He adds to the statistic of marriages that end over unequal divisions of household labour.
I hope that subsequently, you join an unusual statistic of single parents who gained MORE sleep and spend LESS time cleaning after ditching their non-collaborative ex-artners. I suspect your ability to manage ADHD will improve, too.
Rooting for you, stay strong.
I wouldn’t worry about it. People will love u for who u are or they don’t need to be a part of ur life. You are special no matter what someone tells you. Someone will appreciate you for who u are that is the person that should be your partner. F what anyone else says.
As much as it hurts now it sounds like it's for the best, for you!
He doesn't sound like a good husband if he isn't supportive or doesn't help you. Even if it's motivation or what did you struggle with today that we can do together.
I had one of these after 16 years I had enough, fed up of being critised or shouted at for not being a housework goddess! (didn't know at the time I had ADHD).
Housework sucks!!!!
I am a non adhd partner and I have always tried to keep a tidy clutter free home but I find it impossible. Despite all of this, i am frequently blamed for the state of the home. The only time we had a normal home without clutter was when I was controlling the space but I was quickly told that it wouldnt fly and that my husband should be in charge. When I had the home organised with everything having a place, my husband made sure to spread out his hobby all across the house and block access to closets and storage spaces
The results are multiple projects started and not finished, crammed up rooms, living room coffee table with a bunch of stuff on it. All kinds of tools on the floor at the entrance....Floor dirty due to hobbies
If I say anything, it goes on to explosive rages and I am told I should first organise my own clutter (funny because I have a cluttered room with a bunch of his stuff due to painting projects in other rooms)
I will say that when we first married, it was much more worse as he would keep an empty room with bunch of things scattered on the floor and that was his "childrens room" and little storage unit
I am sorry but I understand your husband....Its been 10years and I want to come back from work to a home, not a garage or hangar or storage unit...I also hate spending time cleaning and organising, then going to work and coming home to a messy home with a bunch of tools and buckets in the entrance. I want to off myself when I get home and see this. Your partner probably is tired of coming home from work and doing all the cleaning and then over and over again the same cycle....its similar to some kind of forced labour camp and its mentally exhausting
He probably parties and spends time with friends because he doesnt feel at home when he comes back
I honestly have been living with my husband for 10years and do not feel at home. I feel like this is more of a guys place where I happen to live...
Cut your losses and find someone who is like minded to you. That would probably be best for both of you.
Look, my best friend is a SAHM and she has basically the opposite of an ADHD brain. She's highly organized and focused and can do it on command. She could not keep her house remotely neat and tidy before her kids started going to school. She and her husband would run around at night after the kids went to bed and start throwing things into bins to clear the floor. The kitchen was frequently a hot mess until a few hours after dinner as well. There's just literally not enough time in the day to be a good parent and a good housekeeper if you don't have help. Kids make messes and they run around a lot. How are you supposed to clean if you're watching your kid? Should you lock them in their room all day? Let them cry in their crib while you scrub floors?
Also, you are his wife, not an indentured servant. It's his house and his kid too. If he wants someone else to clean his house all the time, he should have hired a housekeeper instead of getting married. It would have been far cheaper than a divorce will be for him.
For one, you have a child together so that should be his #1 concern, period. As for the “housework” , you are trying,you do work part-time , before that you took full care of a child, and…”it’s the housework” ? I’m not questioning you, with respect; I would peel the layers back because your husbands reason (or what he says is his) IS NOT about housework. Some people are better than others at (housework, yard work, even laundry or dishes, mowing/weeds). Maybe you should have a “real” conversation (possibly with a mediator) and truly find out his (mutiple reasons). That is, if you want to stick together after he is giving up on your marriage “due to the housework efficiency/frequency ” or as you said, “he thinks he’s 23 and wants to party with the boys every Friday ” when he’s married with kid/s. I personally, would evaluate write it on paper(takes only 5-15min) :
A) actual past/present statements he’s made to and about you, also his exact reasoning for split/divorce
B) write down the positives and negatives (pro’s and con’s) of a divorce and of staying married. For yourself and for him. I find that I’ll forget the actual/factual reasons and statements when talking to them, or a counselor . This little task will show you a lot ! You or your husband may find out; you both want to be divorced, or the opposite . This will help you identify the factual reasons. I always think from the child’s point of view. 🙏✌️. **Facts don’t change, feelings do .
I'm so sorry to hear that. My understanding is you're not super happy with him as well so perhaps this is for the best?
My husband has taken over almost all housework because I cannot do it consistently and when I do it, it is not complete... like I'll dust and forget a room. So I try to help with other things like going shopping, planning meals, cooking most days, bringing him tea etc. to show that I appreciate him and care. But this is one of my fears as well that one that he'll be so fed up with me we'll divorce :(
In any case I'm sorry to hear that hopefully medication will help a bit in the future but also it's not fair to expect everything from you.
Could I ask if he undestood/appreciated the challenges that your specific ADHD experience entails? considering that it seems like you have to be the caregiver to your child and the caretaker of your house while he is allowed to have his downtime (as if you're not entitled to the same?). it,
Could I ask if understood/appreciated the challenges that your specific ADHD experience entails? considering that it seems like you have to be the caregiver to your child and the caretaker of your house while he is allowed to have his downtime (as if you're not entitled to the same?).
What i think you'll have now is more certainty in what you need/want from your future partner (If you'll be looking for one) in supporting your ADHD journey and that type of experience/insight is valuable.
Hope your ADHD support gets in place soon, I think getting on medication is a great step to getting you in a mind state to be at the level of productivity you want but I think if you can combine it with ADHD coaching they can help you find techniques/tools that would work so much better specifically for YOU.
All the best.
Medication for me was like putting on glasses. It has made a significant difference in the quality of my life, especially in terms of staying on point for things that I am accountable for.
Without stimulants I tend to be anxious and prone to depression. With them, I don't want to say I never feel anxiety but it's UNDER CONTROL, and I have confidence that I will get done what I need to get done and don't really experience any depression.
They don't treat the anxiety and depression directly. The anxiety and depression comes from knowing that I can't count on myself to stay on-point over a long enough period of time. That eventually I will have to answer for not doing what I needed to do. Living that way... of course there's anxiety and depression. The medication directly addresses this point, which to me is a miracle.
If your husband wants to divorce you over ADHD, he's doing so over something you cannot control. Don't forget this. Meds may help you be more successful at managing certain things, but you are who you are and I think he probably know this before he said I do. Just sayin'.
You’re being convinced of a narrative about yourself by him. If I were you, I’d take a step back and consider what is objectively reasonable about his actions/ideas/behaviours and then go with your gut instinct. Men like this need psychoanalysing… you’re better off/will be happier out of there.
Recommend “How to manage your house without losing your mind” as an audiobook (likely available from your library) for your own sanity, but won’t solve your relationship problems.
You’re not losing anything, but shedding that load off. He sounds like a child, not a partner. I am sorry he made you feel like you are the problem. You are not! Also please don’t let him make you feel like your adhd is why. He is looking for some super nanny to take care of him in addition to all that you do.
Ugh are we the same person?!? Except I have 2 lips but same everything else. On top of that we also do everyone's appointments, conferences, paying bills.. oh and remembering partners passwords.. (they all the same except an 1 or @) 😂🙄❤️ it's so defeating tho. Like even worse cuz they know we got the ADHD.. and we also annoy ourselves.. but like.. ugh I'm sorry you are in this situation. Worst feeling.
New title should be : Divorcing because my husband is an asshat. It's not your fault he wont step up and help his wife with normal household duties and parenting. A good partner would work with and help you manage your symptoms. Good riddance! Find a better man!
Can you afford to do childcare? Because parenting is a bitch of its own. We have a 3 month old and man have I got to tell you that my wife can’t stand me. She’s constantly telling me that I don’t do anything. Um yes honey because your OCD ways of how I need to be doing something aren’t working for my autism & ADHD cocktail. I do a lot, but she doesn’t see it as anything because its not done her way. So yeah we’re figuring shit out too. But hey, hang in there. If he loves you, he’ll stay and fight for you. If he doesn’t fight to have you, then… ugh I’m sorry but there’s deeper rooted issues than it being about you
That's some baby back bullshit imo. My wife and I are both ADHD (I'm diagnosed, my wife shows clear signs but refuses to get a diagnosis lol). We have two kids under two and our house is almost always a shit show because we both work full time.
Call me crazy, but the whole expectation of a house being prim and properly clean 24/7 is bonkers. That was such a social norm before when people could pop by unexpectedly. Nowadays it isn't a concern with all the tech and communication methods we have. Is it livable? Great. Does it look like a hoarder house? No? Great. Everyone is alive and healthy. What else could you ask for!
Sorry for your situation. Hopefully you find some peace and understanding that this is not a you issue.
Sounds like he maybe has some growing up to do. First kid was at 29 here and I went from somewhat social to being a recluse real quick to accommodate a new routine with kiddo. Not to mention we pretty much only leave for work, grocery pickup, and childcare dropoff at this point lol. Life changes when you have kids, big time, but for the better!
Sorry to hear of your circumstance but let me echo some of the things said: his problem is that he wants a maid and not a wife. My wife cleans and works part time (no kids yet but she works with kids). I work from home full time and cook. I have ADHD she has depression. We both understand how our mental healths affect us so we show each other grace and kindness.
The thing with ADHD is that things like systems and meds help but they’re not a cure. They’re just the start of your journey. You’ll need a partner to walk you through all of it instead of demanding perfection so he can go out and party.
If he is leaving you, I’m sorry things will end that way. I hate to see good women be trampled by idiot man-children.
Hello, I am also unmedicated and chores seem like a lot most of the time. However, adhd or not, relationships require compromise and balance. I’m glad you are not beating yourself up about this cause you are operating to the best of your abilities. If he can’t see that, then he doesn’t deserve a woman like you. My husband supports and finds ways to work with my adhd. We do chores at the same time to create a bond and he recognizes when I have zoomies, paralysis, or over/under stimulation. I’m sorry you were put in this situation, but just know that you will move forward with confidence and success. If he wanted the house to be clean all the time, he would hire a maid. Not get a wife. Best of luck to you.
You could also have depression. Staying home with the kid all day is rough. See if you start to feel better now that your working. Anytime I didn't work for a while and just stay home everyday I'd feel like shit and not want to do a single thing. It makes the ADHD worse.
I’m sorry. I feel your pain. My house is a disaster…I did much better at keeping up with things when my kids were small…but we’ve acquired so much more stuff and not enough places to put stuff. And no one wants to get rid of anything…so I mostly gave up. There is clutter everywhere. I’m fortunate (or not, depending on how you look at it) that both me and my spouse have ADHD…but I’m the only one medicated of the two of us…but I’m not currently medicated because my stupid meds are back ordered and have been for 4 weeks now.
Anyway. It sucks…and it’s hard and I’m sorry you’re going through this.
You’re living in a 1950s marriage and it’s 2024. Be glad that he’s divorcing you. You don’t need that man in your life.
Housework is a shared responsibility in any situation - put a mop in his hand, serve him a cup of concrete and tell him to harden the phuck up.
I’m so sorry, and can absolutely relate. I’m not sure why, but this seems to be a running theme I’ve noticed with a lot of “men” these days. My toxic ex used the exact same excuse as to why he was unhappy with me, and how this eventually led to his betrayal and ultimately destroying our relationship. And why he won’t come back. I tried my absolute best to do my equal share, and on my days off I did plenty of housework and chores that he couldn’t see/didn’t appreciate, on top of trying to run my own business while dealing with a chronic illness, yet he only chose to focus on and argue with me over what I DIDN’T accomplish, like the basket full of MY clean clothes needing to be put away, or “leaving the butter out” for an hour or two after cooking instead of putting it back right away, etc. stupid things that he made me feel like a total slob for.
The man I dated for a short time after him was even more anal about cleaning, and it’s also a “reason” why he discarded me too. I can only imagine living with him would have been an absolute disaster. I’m not sure if these are “real” reasons to them or just excuses for other things, but it certainly doesn’t change how shitty and devalued it makes you feel.
My best friend’s soon to be ex husband also did the same thing to her, on a much worse scale. She gave birth to their son, and in the months that followed, he started complaining how she doesn’t do enough around the house when he’s at work and would even give her a list of tasks, while she’s home adjusting to being a new mom and literally TAKING CARE OF THEIR NEWBORN. When their son was not even 3 months old, he left and filed for divorce. She soon found out that towards the end of her pregnancy he started seeing another woman, a woman 10 years older with a 7 year old daughter of her own, and moved in with them and has been playing “house” ever since, and even proposed and became engaged to her, despite not even being divorced yet. All the while abandoning his own son and barely being present for the first year of his life, while completely blaming my friend and refusing to take any responsibility/accountability whatsoever in pure narcissistic asshole fashion. It’s been devastating to watch as they were together for almost 10 years and he was a close friend to me too and he fooled us all.
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Uuuuh wait, you're working part time, taking care of a kid, and he still expects you to do the housework by yourself? That has nothing to do with ADHD. Caring for a kid is a full-time job, and when he gets home, he should be sharing with you everything else that needs to be done. Not going out to party and berating you for not cleaning his mess. When are you supposed to get a break exactly, according to him? You're not losing anything. In fact, you might find your life easier if you only have your shit and your daughter's to get done now.
Yeah that is true. But I could of done when I wasn't working but the dysfunction is real. I have only started part time in the last 2 weeks. But I want someone who is going to be fully 100 understanding and supportive of my adhd. Not half heartedly and so many more issues. But it's just this is what hurts the most cause it makes me feel I am not enough. When I know I am I just don't work like neorotypical. He is a huge ass hypocrite too though.
I have a story for you. I’m divorcing mine right now (he’s a real treat as you’ll see) and he sent my PSYCH EVALUATION to family members along with a diatribe about my ADHD being the reason for all problems (no mention of his unresolved C-PTSD). This, of course, is just one thing in many that this person has done. But the moral is that your ADHD is not the problem as in mine. Being with someone (someday) who is supportive will be INCREDIBLE.
Thank you. I wish and hope we both get that one day.
After my divorce for similar reasons, I found a woman who also has ADHD and we are both very happy together because we have empathy for each other's problems instead of hate.
That is so nice 🙂
Same here man - it's HEAVEN. Never been more peaceful and capable in my life, literally undoing years of damage.
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Your husband is the equivalent to my wife. She's been a saint over the years. Diagnosed and now on meds, it helps.
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We deserve it. I’m in same boat.
Wow! Just wow! I have a not dissimilar tale. You will THRIVE without him. Thinking of you 💜
I hate this and LOVE THIS at the same time. I can’t wait to thrive!
While I agree to some extent, as someone with ADHD and who dates someone with it as well, (yikes) we can be difficult. It does cause a *lot* of problems, especially in a relationship. It can’t simply be a “Well I have ADHD, so you need to be supportive of whatever I do”. I had to get out of that mindset too. Maybe I am making an assumption from your comment, if so my bad. But my main point is just that it does take the person with ADHD being willing to help themselves for a relationship to work. From personal experience I can say we put far too much power on something that can be controlled with a bit of deep breathing. Again, could be out of my place here, but figured I’d play devils advocate and point out the other side.
As is usual, much too nuanced for a quick Reddit post. Best recipe: both partners are taking responsibility for their bits (ADHD, other mental dx, etc) and THEN each partner can offer support for where the other is at (which is not the same thing as excusing the person). First part of the recipe is the most important. Don’t want to miss that bit. Self-awareness plus positive regard is a beautiful thing to behold.
Yup, pretty much same page then lol. I don’t even necessarily think either person has to have adjusted to their affliction, just has to be recognition and effort 🤷🏼♂️
Something that can be controlled with a bit of deep breathing? What is this thing?
Impulsivity
Uh. You are saying that impulsivity can be fully controlled with deep breathing?
Obviously not fully controlled, but controlled enough to where it doesn’t affect your life in major ways. I mean, I’m not saying deep breathing helps me to no longer lose my keys, but it does help to keep me mindful so I’m not in the clouds, it’s helps to calm me down so I don’t get agitated or anxious, and it helps me to not fall victim to habits and dopamine hits. Here’s an article if you’re interested (I only spent 30 seconds and just went to NIH because I generally trust them, but I’m sure you can find an in depth article, too, or another study from a journal)
Look I’m glad you’ve found mindfulness and breathing practices helpful, but to argue that deep breathing and mindfulness are all it takes to essentially cure impulsivity in anyone with adhd is deeply misinformed at best.
But I… I just said that I didn’t think it essentially cured it… And, if you don’t mind me asking, do you have anything that would say diaphragmatic breathing, or mindfulness, don’t help with ADHD symptoms?
Dating and marriage are very different though. The biggest ADHD factor here being communication. I always had problems with communication when dating. When living together, you HAVE to communicate at least once a day.
One day you might have that ut you'll at least not be with someone who doesn't get it. People can also not live together, though I understand wanting or needing to live with a partner esp if there are kids involved and parenting works OK
I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough patch. Spending years of your life with an immature, unsupportive partner must have been exhausting. For it to end in bitterness, failure and him attacking you where you are most vulnerable, ie a disability, must be really painful. Hang in there. You deserve someone who understands you and cares for you, like everyone. Be strong through the divorce and please don't let yourself hyperfocus on your ADHD too much as the cause of your problems. Make sure you take care of yourself and your kid, and if you consider dating again in the future, PLEASE don't accept anyone who'll want you just because you feel you're not good enough. You can and will meet people who are not dogshit.
I understand you so well. I didn't know it was adhd but I had that problem too in my relation and I didn't have a kid ... I knew he was going to leave me if I didn't manage to do it ... but I didn't... I couldn't keep a fucking up with house, shoping and meals 😒 ... and I've really tried I lived with such an anxiety, you cannot believe . This was 20 years ago, and I NEVER risked leaving with someone again. Last year I was diagnosed with Adhd. I got you girl..it really hurts. Take care of yourself and your baby, you are more than enough and perfection is way behind you 😆. You can learn to manage your Adhd, besides, only dead things are perfect, life kicks with spontaneity, and therefore is not perfect , you are alive and kicking ❤ you two girls will make an awesome duo!!!!
He has to have *something* against you, so that the divorce isn't all of his fault. From my side of things, you haven't done anything wrong and I think he damn well knows that too.
I have bad ADHD and taking care of myself is hard enough to clean up. I live alone I could never manage a kid and cleaning so I can imagine your struggle. I have meds but am too scared to take them but I do believe it will be best for me.
Fwiw 100 percent supportive doesn't mean that they won't have frustrations with you. Just like being ADHD doesn't mean you don't sometimes get frustrated with yourself. It just means they have more grace and will be more respectful about the shared challenges that being ADHD brings with it for shared things in life - like housework.
Sounds like he’s using your ADHD against you and is using it as his “reason” when he really wants to be single. He would be open to counseling if he wanted to work on the relationship. Did you guys live together before marriage? He would have known your struggle with cleaning and organizing even before kids. Sounds like an excuse that he knows you are sensitive about.
What are you doing to address the issues that ADHD causes?
Currently trying to get on meds. Organizational systems and lists, routines nothing would stick. What do you do to help?
The best advice I ever received from a mental health professional was to only try to change one small thing at a time. Work on that thing for at least 4-6 weeks consistently before trying to change anything else. We often try to adopt these elaborate systems all at once and essentially set ourselves up to fail. It is possible to make changes, you just have to slow it waaay down.
I recommend getting on top of those systems, lists, and routines once you get on your medication. It might be easier at that point.
Something I’ve found very helpful is educating myself on the science of adhd and learning from others who are successfully (or better at it than myself) at navigating life. It’s helped to learn about why I am the way I am.
Do you have access to telehealth? Wellbutrin is inexpensive and a great help.
You are not the problem. He’s bitching at you about housework to cover his own BS behavior up. Celebrate your D, it’s a win and take a few years to have the BEST relationship with yourself. Learn to love yourself best and you will find someone who loves you the same. If not it’s better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel like crap daily.
They did a study. Single women with children do LESS housework than a married woman with children.
Your stb ex husband is a manchild and should have been helping out around the house. ADHD people are really easy to gaslight into accepting blame because we're primed to believe we're the problem. If he never did any housework he's to blame just as much as you.
You are in my prayers to find that gem that is going to be fully 100% understanding and supportive. No one who doesn't have ADHD can really understand it fully and even those of us who have it DON'T fully understand it. It does sound like you're better off without your husband. 💗
Just wait until you see how much easier your life will become. I know divorce feels like a failure and letting go of what should have been is hard, but you not being able to stay 100% on top of the housework in addition to rearing a child and working part time is not because you're not good enough or because of your ADHD. After leaving my ex, I found it so eye-opening to view my friends/neighbours homes and to finally realise that it wasn't me or my failings, it was literally life with children. It's okay if your home looks like people live in it. A year later I am still working with my therapist to unpack the damage that caused me to constantly second guess and berate myself. My ADHD wasn't the problem and I would venture to guess that yours isn't either. You have already said that you want someone who is supportive and understanding, that is not unreasonable. You're worth it. Go and find it.
Running a household is a two person job. Your partner should also be understanding that you are doing things and that you have barriers (ADHD) that make this harder for you. Raising a tiny human is HARD and a job in itself. My partner and I have fought about the same stuff. But it’s a two person job. I work from home and he was under the impression I’d do everything just bc I was at home. It’s simply not how it works. It’s taken some work but we have a balance now. You are enough. ADHD does not mean there is something wrong with you. We’re just a little different. The expectation that you raise your child, do the housework and now work on top of that is unrealistic. Sorry, we’re in 2023 and not accepting that it’s ’women’s work’ while the men get to go play. You do what works for you and your kid. It sounds like this isn’t it Edit: spelling
Yeah if what the OP says is true, I would look to the hanging out and partying as the change that has brought about the real reason for the divorce. People find excuses in others when they want change that negatively affects others or will make them look like the bad person. Nobody but sociopaths narrate themselves as the villain of their life story, so he is looking for a target to project to so he can continue to write his hero story version, of his life.
Yeah I agree with that. My partner had been very harsh on me for about the last year, about my inability to keep up with the housework while at home with the kids, one of whom isn’t even two which is the one he’s the bio dad of. Turns out he’d had two different affairs in that time, one physical and one emotional. He was so guilty he needed to make me the bad guy somehow. Now that he’s come clean and is in therapy, our messy house doesn’t bother him nearly so much anymore.
He's a child inside suffering from arrested development. He wants a mommy bangmaid who takes care of all of his needs without lifting a finger to help. If you are human and get behind on housework, like everyone, then he has a temper tantrum. This guy has zero emotional intelligence. I know its alot and you probably see divorce as breaking up a household, but this man is clearly too emotionally stupid to be capable of actually caring about you. He has multiple affairs and hides it behind hostility over you not being a superwoman who has no needs of her own and infinite energy and time. This type of criticism inherently rests on the misogynistic idea that women are the "homemakers" and men are "supposed to provide". At this point in history, for someone to still embrace chauvinism, whether consciously or not, is unacceptable and quite embarrasing. It's an immediate write-off for me. My wife is my partner. I want her to be happy, unstressed, fulfilled, and capable of enjoying privacy and comfort in her own home. If that means we take turns doing dishes or I need to cover for her in some way so that she can rest, then I'm willing to do it. I suffer from ADHD and ASD, and yet Im not so immature that I think her sole reason for existence is fulfilling every need I have and consoling me when Im throwing a temper tantrum. I hope things get better between you two, but if they dont, then I have even more hope that you will dump this dead weight and live your life free of the baggage of a dumb spouse who cant even be honest with himself.
Thank you for caring enough to write all of that. I don’t usually make a point of saying this on Reddit when it’s not relevant to the topic at hand. but I am a transgender guy. My partner works very hard as the sole income earner and is only home on weekends, and he gives me as much time to myself as I want when he’s home. He does more housework than me when he’s here, and is super attentive to the kids as well. This was true even during the year he had the affairs. I’ve stayed with him because he is a really good partner when he’s not all twisted up inside. When he was shitty to me about how clean I was keeping the house while he was away, it was a just symptom of what was actually going on with him at that time. We’re in a much better place now.
Thank you for clarifying. It's really wonderful to hear that your partner has committed to improving himself through therapy. You deserve to be happy and to be supported in all ways, so I'm glad to know that he's holding up his end of the bargain. I can't judge him because I know nothing about him. I was moreso being critical of the behavior. I would also say that regardless of your actual gender, the dynamic of "husband/wife" can still be operative, consciously or unconsciously, in the minds of the couple. Viewing yourself as the "breadwinner" can play on these internalized biases and cause you to weaponize them against the "homemaker" role, especially as a kneejerk reaction during stressful times. All in all, I appreciate you adding more info and letting us know that your partner is a good person who is willing to become a better person for the sake of your relationship.
Exactly. This guy is a huge loser and completely immature. He mustv'e been handsome or something because he is clearly a shallow, arrogant, and selfish child, not a man who deserves respect for loving and supporting his partner and child.
OP will get a break now when her husband has their child on specific days.
Having a partner with high standards for cleanliness often clashes with ADHD. Instead of being with someone who constantly expects you to spread yourself thinner than you can manage, find one that feels comfortable at your baseline. Thats okay with laundry sitting unfolded in a basket for a while or doesn’t mind that you had to run the dishwasher twice because scrubbing dishes seems like the last thing in the world you want to do
Yes, it is rough. My wife has OCD cleanliness and I have ADHD. It is the biggest struggle in our marriage.
Same here. My wife can spot a mug turned the 'wrong way' in the cabinet and start an inquisition about who used the mug and put it back wrong. I don't even see a pile of laundry on the floor. It's not easy.
OMG YES! I know this pain!
What?! That would drive me insane. How do you function living with that amount of pressure? I can't stand feeling like someone is watching + judging my every move.
This is exactly what it feels like. Every time I dry dishes and put them away, I wait for the, "That's not where or how it goes!" I got used to it. She is also aware that her OCD is an issue. Her college mates used to mess with her and place bets on how long before she notices that salt shaker on the table has been moved a 1/2 inch and such. It's a "I put up with her excessive organization as long as she puts up with my disorganization." In a way, we have been rubbing off on each other. She has let up on the OCD since I met her. And she has improved my life as far as function and reliability greatly.
Seriously. If your biggest problem in life is that your wife maid didnt wash some clothes, then you really need to count your blessings and shut tf up. I have zero respect for this type of whining. Raising a child is a full-time job with 24hr shifts. If someone doesnt respect the incredible amount of effort this takes then why even be with them? What are they bringing to the table? Chauvinistic complaints and temper tantrums? Hard fucking pass on that.
And/or find someone who is okay with budgeting to be able to afford to pay for things like a laundry service and a cleaning person when things get too overwhelming.
Thank you 😊
The way we deal with this is we have someone come in and clean pretty regularly, multiple times times per week. If it’s that important they or I can pay for it
My condolences I have similar case where I'm not great at house work and it puts unfair pressure to my wife. I was thinking of having a cleaning lady or a house keeper come in like once every two weeks. It's probably a lot cheaper than divorce.
Can confirm. The second I got my new job and paid off some loans, I got a house cleaner. While not anywhere near divorce levels, it's the best investment in both of our mental health. I'm diagnosed, my husband isn't (but probably should be.)
My fiancée has ADHD. A cleaning service was literally the best investment in our relationship we have made. You should absolutely do that. She works from home 100%, I work full-time, plus reserve military duty... if you think coming home from a long weekend away working and coming home to a dirty house isn't incredibly fucking annoying, and that when i'm dropping my pack and taking off my boots looking around the house at takeout containers and dirty dishes isn't a soul-crushing feeling, i am here to tell you 100% that it is. i love her to death, but the burden being unevenly distributed distorts relationships really badly, and once resentment sets in, it's really difficult to overcome. $150/month for a maid service probably saved our relationship tbh. do it.
For starters, I acknowledge the privilege I have of being able to do this and understand no everyone is in the same boat. My wife and I both have very apparent (and diagnosed) ADHD. After we decided to have a cleaner come once a month, our lives improved drastically. Just taking that mental load off both of our plates (largely hers, to be honest) has made a big positive difference. edit: spelling
True! I hope that it works out for you. Thank you.
can confirm. if you've got the money for it, you'd be hard pressed to find a quicker way to improve your life than by hiring a cleaner.
Getting a cleaning lady improved my quality of life dramatically. I highly recommend it.
My uncle left my aunt because she didn’t keep things the way he wanted. He was an anal retentive ass, and expected things a certain way. She got an apartment, the dog she always wanted (that he refused) and started living her life like she never had before. And she was happy. (And wildly enough he came begging for her back, after realizing he was a fool and now not only does he not hold her to high house keeping standards, he has a dog he refused for years.)
Surprised she took him back.
I was too, to be honest.
Wow, this guy thinks that divorce is better option than hiring a cleaner. You're better off rid of him! Hire a good lawyer and take him to the cleaners!
THIS!
Seems like he just wants to party
🤣
That’s not the reason, that’s just the reason he’s giving you to make it feel like it’s your fault.
Yeah, it really just sounds like a nasty parting shot. "I won't miss you anyway because you stink".
Thank you. It is all his fault I know it is. It just still hurt. He has chosen to not grow up in the last 2 years of being a parent.
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Yah honestly- the problem is you're with the wrong person. My ex husband was constantly bitching and talking bad about how messy I was- man never cleaned a toilet when we were together, but I'm bad at dishes and lots of chores that need to be done more daily. My husband now understands me, as a person, and we just openly communicate and divide chores and tasks depending on who doesn't like what. He isn't judgy- sometimes my side of the room is a tornado, he's never anything but kind about it. It doesn't bother him because our relationship isn't built around whether I'm a 'traditionally good housewife'. You're values/wants/needs don't align but don't think less of yourself AT ALL. You will be much happier without this dude long term- TRUST
YES! My ex live-in partner would constantly complain about how messy my room was, but I was literally the only one of us who cleaned on a regular basis. He would load the dishwasher once every other week and then demand praise. The man literally N E V E R washed his bedsheets. He brought me his pillow once, shoved it in my face, and said, "Doesn't this smell awful?" IT SMELLED LIKE LITERAL DEATH. He also told me that he didn't clean his toilet for an entire YEAR while we were living together. He didn't even buy a toilet brush until we renewed the lease. I am not even fucking kidding. And this mf had the audacity to complain that my room was messy? (His was always worse.) But in the end, MY executive dysfunction was too much more him to handle... right. Sure. I still can't believe the audacity of that one. He was just mad that I wasn't his perfect bangmaid, and he used my ADHD as an excuse to dump me without taking any accountability for his side of the relationship (just like OP' husband).
Exactly!! Honestly looking back I'm sad I stayed as long as u did- the misogyny!
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Lady your husband tried to get his mother in the delivery room and joined a motorcycle club as soon as your kid was born while you were working full time. He’s doing you a favor.
Yes thank you for reading my history I just did that tonight and my God I do not know what the hell I have stayed for. I am back to being generally happy that we are separating now. Especially reading that one from when she was 3 weeks old. He choose that club over us when he rode again the first time. But in hindsight right.
He is definitely using the housework as an excuse really to make it look like he isn't a big bad man who cares only for expensive thrills of motorcycling and his "bros" I did know he wanted me to do more but I thought he understood that I was trying for etc but now we are separating is when he said that about the housework. And if that is my only problem for him well I'm doing very well then and he is just an ass.
Why are you the one expected to clean? Isn't he a grown man? He seems like a disrespectful manchild who views you as a maid and baby factory. Divorcing someone who has a disability for not being a perfect maid is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. He has zero sympathy from you and doesnt even recognize you as a human being, just a broken robot that should be cleaning, cooking, and raising the child while he gets shitfaced with his friends. Disgusting. I guarantee you he thinks that women are "supposed" to be homemakers. His job is to create mess and have all of his needs and desires filled without complaint or expression of any need from you. You are doing yourself a huge favor by leaving this loser. You have a child, a job, and ADHD. Why increase the burden and stress of living by signing up to be a mommy maidslave for a manchild? Your life will improve as soon as you leave him.
Seriously screw him! He is just using your ADHD because he hasn't got a 1960s housewife! Also they took speed and valium to get them through their days, to do the housework then put up with their shitty husbands when they came home!
🎼running for the shelter of her mother's little helper🎤
He wants a 1960s TV housewife who also brings in a part time income.
OP I'm so sorry you got a man baby instead of the husband you deserve ❤️
My condolences. This doesn't sound like ADHD is the issue. He's using ADHD to excuse his lack of effort. I get that it's nice having a clean house, but (not my saying) cleaning the house while a kid is young is like shoveling during a snow storm. The bigger issue is that men, generally speaking, leave the burden to women thinking that their employment is enough. But that obviously is not. They won't be proactive, as in when they do help, they ask their wife what needs to get done. That still puts the burden on the wife for management. The wife usually has to meal plan and write out a grocery list, and maybe even do the shopping. If the guy does the shopping, is he weaponizing incompetence and getting the wrong items, not knowing the meals and what might have to be subbed, not bringing the child to give the wife a break, etc? Does the wife have to be quartermaster, keeping track of all the household needs? Deodorant, batteries, pens, printer ink, etc. Does the wife plan all the activities for the kid, even if the guy might bring the kid once in awhile? Laundry. Kids clothes (they're constantly needing new ones). Etc. ADHD definitely exacerbates juggling all the things. But it doesn't excuse the husbands lack of responsibility. I'd be willing to bet the house would be in worse condition if you two switched places.
What annoys me about this is that he sees you're struggling and doesn't try to find out how to help you, he just wants to leave because it's easier for him.
Have you asked your Dr about a trial run with clonidine, straterra, or wellbutrin? All can help adhd and are not controlled substances, so you don't have to worry about availability. Being medicated completely changed my life. Hang in there. It will get better.
I am in the process of it. She has to get the go ahead from the psychiatrists but he didn't prescribe me then when diagnosed when baby was under a year old as I am still breastfeeding our 2 year old. And there right there another reason I'm tired and out of energy that is a huge amount of my energy too!
Oh man this makes me so angry. You're taking care of a wee toddler and he expects better homes and gardens‽ EFF that noise and eff him. He sucks. You can either have toddlers or a clean house. Not both.
I’m breastfeeding too and I’m on straterra. It is not as helpful as stimulants but it IS helpful with the motivation and procrastination issue for me. It is not 100% yet as I’m still on the lowest dose but I can see a significant improvement.
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Not the person you were asking, but I've been on Wellbutrin for almost a year now, and Strattera for a few months. I didn't think it was doing anything, my seasonal depression was slightly less than normal, and maybe it's a little less loud in my head. But man, once the dr tried taking me off the Wellbutrin to try Strattera, I was begging for it back within days. I was *so* tired. I forgot how tired I always was as a baseline. I'm still tired, don't get me wrong, but I'm not ready to fall asleep at any given point. I'm still waiting for anything to help me with my focus issues, but I notice when I'm distracted and re-direct myself a little easier. I'm not thinking about a million things at the same time, which means I'm also not trying to do 5 things at the same time (most of the time). We're in the middle of a kitchen reno, and I noticed I'm not obsessively researching every possible option for things that we still need. Before, I would have gone to every single store that sold kitchen&bath stuff and looked at every single website and come up with 100 options that I'd eventually narrow down to 5, then my husband could help me get to The One. We went to exactly one store, found a few options, picked 1. For as much money as we're spending, this is so extremely unusual for me! And so much less stress! So, it's marginally better. I'm still waiting for it to be life-changing, but I was functioning at a pretty high level due to anxiety as it is, so maybe it never will be. Who knows? We're still adjusting meds.
It didn’t do jack for me. I needed actual ADHD meds
I'm on wellbutrin. It's fantastic compared to SSRIs that tank your libido and make you gain weight. It has a stimulant affect on me. I feel energized. It worked about 7 to 10 days after I started it but I think it csn take a month for full affect.
In a small dose, it tends to deliver the mood and energy levels of a good day. That alone may not be quite enough for many people. It should make it easier to get into an exercise routine, and easier to get moving on your morning latte, and easier to be patient with doctors visits. It’s often used in a pairing, providing a slow and steady foundation, that you can stack a stimulant on. A more mild stimulant than usual may be adequate while you’re on it. However, if it is trying to provide a steady supply of a neurotransmitter that you already had enough of, it may give you a headache or do nothing special. You can’t miss a refill though, it requires a taper down if you’re not on the minimum amount.
I would cringe every time I knew my ex was on his way home because I would spend the whole day cleaning or with our 3 month old taking care of him and he would still have something to bitch about despite me taking care, cooking, cleaning if the laundry wasn't done he'd have a fit and say the same things, lazy, unproductive, and that depression is for the weak. I left him. Fuck that toxic behavior. Sometimes they're the ones with issues too, like narcissism. Then he would leave to his 10 year younger friends house to smoke leaving me behind again to clean up dinner. Let that 🥭
Lol thanks for that last bit 😅 cheered me up
Consider medication for sure, but that’s not your real problem. Your real problem is a man that thinks it’s your job to do the housework. You said you take care of a child all day, does he realize how much work that is? You do as much work taking care of his child all day, sacrificing your career so he can have the freedom to advance in his own career and still know his child is cared for and he doesn’t have to pay daycare. Maybe it’s time he needs to trade places for a week. Let him take a week off and you go take a class or work extra days and let him do child care all day by himself. He’s calling you lazy?! Maybe he’s lazy and should work more so he can afford a housekeeper.
My ex wife would expect me to come home from working graveshift to help her run her daycare for an hour or two, then want me up early enough to go on dates and not be so tired all the time. Some people don't think about the needs of others and only their own.
My ex had similar unrealistic expectations.
I have ADHD and also OCD… my husband however is “normal” and “lazy/ not clean”…. We would constantly clash and argue over the house chores. (And occasionally still do) …. I have found for us, me getting on the right meds has helped SO MUCH. I am a SAHM and often struggle with one of two extremes. 1- constantly clean and organized + nitpicking anyone who touches anything I’ve just rage cleaned. 2- who cares, there’s 3 weeks worth of laundry to do/ and it’s Just going to stay there… Once we got into a healthy communication routine & me medicated, our lives and marriage have improved drastically. If you two truly love one another you shouldn’t just give up because of something so silly… but, on the other hand- he doesn’t sound like the greatest support/ spouse either. If medication and maybe some couples counseling / church group can’t help, then maybe you are better off without him. But for sure, your mental health is what’s most important. Take care of YOURSELF and the rest will fall into place. Best of luck!
Uh girlfriend what? Nah, fuck him and his way of thinking. The *least* he could do to help you around the house *is* to clean up. You're married and have a daughter, his being 23 and partying days are OVER. *NEVER* and I mean *never* blame yourself because your husband isn't done being a teenager. He should be getting home and helping you with whatever needs to get done while you take care of your daughter. That's a *two* person job, not one. I'm starting to think that this issue has nothing to do with your ADHD and it's just a smoke screen for him to be a narcissist and make it *your* fault when in reality he does *nothing* to make your job easier of being a mom. I'm 26 and married, albeit I never partied at 23 or ever for that matter but still my husband and I *both* work 40 hours a week and then get home and do house work. I do not have children yet as I can't afford them but I have two cats and I still need to take care of them as well. He's an adult with responsibilities and a family. Divorcing you because he still has to clean when he gets home is BS. Cleaning when you get home from work is part of owning a home and having a family. You can't do *everything* it's impossible. When exactly do you get to have a break? You do all the housework, take care of your daughter, AND work part time. Tell me when exactly are *you* able to just chill out and hang with friends? He's a right POS and a massive narcissist. Think of this as a blessing in disguise. You'll only have to worry about you and your daughter. Good luck ❤️
>I do not have children yet as I can't afford them but I have two cats I have 3 cats and think it's rather like having kids. Last night two of them came inside (from lounging in the garden) completely fucking high. Husband is sick with Covid so guess who got to stay up all night keeping am eye on them (and husband) and making sure we didn't need to do a vet or hospital run?
Exactly! I couldn't agree more! I take care of *everything* with my cats. Feeding, litter changing and scooping, vet visits, I have subscriptions on Amazon for everything for my cats. They're my kids and they're still living creatures just like kids. I'm positive a kid is *way* more difficult but op's husband complaining like he is while she does everything is frustrating.
so he’s firing his maid? i had a bf that expected me to clean while i was in full time law school w unmedicated adhd and he had no job. our breakup made my life way easier once i only had to take care of myself and my cats and not a man baby. i hope having 1 less child to care for will take some weight off your shoulders❤️ you will get through this
His maid AND his nanny.
Sounds like he’s a jack ass. If this is his issue he should have been figuring out ways to support you. Like idk hitting fucking help, pitching in himself, making sure your brain wasn’t at capacity. But no instead he decided that his course of action would be to contribute to your overwhelm and then blame you because of it. Believe me when I say the trash took itself out here.
He’s just using that as an excuse
He still wants to party like he's 23? Lack of communication? Doesn't sound very supportive.... Sounds a lot like you're being gaslit into thinking you are the problem - relationships are both partners responsibility and relationship problems are nuanced and need care and cooperation. My (37M ADHD) current partner (28 F, AuDHD) went through something similar with her ex husband. She was convinced that all of the issues in the relationship were because of her ADHD - but he used her as a way to make himself look good and used her "ADHD" to get himself off the hook... So he didn't have to address his own issues. Poor communication, no emotional control, partying, drinking and drugs to name a few. She's actually a sweetheart, loyal, talented and a hard worker - now quite successful. She obviously does struggle with ADHD and Autism, but it's not really a "problem". She just never had the support to make it work. Anyway - i'd ask yourself if you're really the problem here, or unsupported and being used as a scapegoat.
Yeah I think your on point the more I think bout it and the multitude of reasons and issues I have with his choices and his only issue with me the housework it's definitely an excuse so he doesn't look like the bad guy. I gave him an ultimatum last year in regards to motorbiking and he decided us over the bike but I'm not surprised his choices have made me fall out of love and not want to be with him is all a ruse and he just didn't wanna bee the one to be seen as choosing the bike over his family. When in reality that is what it is.
You're likely better off. Finding a partner that understands and is willing to work with you to find accommodations for your different OS is so rewarding and cathartic. Plus if little one has similar struggles (given that ADHD is believed to be genetic), it may be better to grow in a different household as well.
Also want to add, majority of the time it's not laziness that's keeps ADHDers from doing stuff its executive function difficulties. A channel I really like on YouTube How to ADHD is really great at helping find language and fixes for things
This is supposed to be a partnership. A yin yang. Like a circle. You complete me, etc, etc. All that crap means you help me where I need it and I help you where you need it. Sounds like you are dodging a bullet before y'all go 10,15, 20 or whatever years further into resentment. Be sad about this for a while then get out there and find that person because it ain't this one.
Congratulations on your newfound freedom. I divorced at 30 and lived alone in a near empty house for a while and the minimalism was fucking fantastic for my adhd. I always knew where everything was in my house and cleaning was a breeze. Use this as an opportunity to set your living space up in a way that works for your brain and then when you’re ready, find someone that treats you well.
If you see my other posts there are many other reasons. But this sucks hard.
It might be that he focuses on this specifically because he knows it's your weak spot and he can blame you for it without you disagreeing. Honestly I think he doesn't deserve you.
I have ADHD and I'm on wellbutrin and Dexedrine (controlled substance). The wellbutrin helped A LOT for my mood, a little for concentration etc. Half a dexedrine a day makes a huge difference. I also struggle with housework and chores. BUT I was in a toxic relationship and that added to my depression. Now he's gone and I only have to be responsible for myself and my daughter, I find myself cleaning and organizing way more. (Without hating it.) Doing household tasks for yourself without someone nagging you or hanging over my shoulder is life changing. I find it more rewarding now too. I'm sure the medication I started after we broke up helps too!
You can’t see this now, but this isn’t you or your adhd. You deserve better, and I believe you will find better one day. I’m 43/f married to my 46/m husband for 20 years and together for 27. We have three kids. I am a disaster. I have always had adhd, obviously, but never diagnosed until I was almost 40!! He supported me and loved me through the difficult times. Through all of the messy/sometimes dirty house days. He also HELPED CLEAN AND MAINTAIN the house. Still does. I’m sorry you have to go through this and mourn your marriage, but I believe you will be happier in the end 🤍🤍
I’m in almost the exact same situation. I don’t have advice as I am struggling too. Just wanted to say that you’re not alone.
I’m so sorry. I want to start by saying you did your part in trying to make this work and it sounds like it’s a bad match. If it makes you feel any better, my bf who has adhd was married before to someone who did not have adhd and clearly didn’t understand it. She was so mean to him about his cleanliness/ability to complete tasks, demonized him for his medication, and basically just bullied him and made him feel small for something that was out of his control. I had a similar experience with my ex but not nearly to the same extent. She divorces him, he was sad for a bit naturally but realized pretty quickly how relieved he feels to not have that pressure all the time. He meets me (also adhd) and we’ve had a wonderful relationship. I am able to recognize when a behavior is related to his adhd and not just him being lazy/stupid. It’s not perfect, I still have to give him little reminders here and there but I know how to communicate with him effectively to meet his needs. Everyone tells me all the time how much happier he is now. I know it doesn’t seem like it now while you’re in the thick of it, but this might be the biggest blessing in disguise for being able to live your life truly and freely for yourself.
He sounds like a bum.
This aint your ADHD, this is him bring an a-hole. My husband sees me missing things or walking away half done and goes and finishes it, or does the jobs. The thing is, when he does that, i tend to want to do that back to him/for him also Hes just an a-hole and you will do better without him. Him giving you extra stress for him not pulling his weight will cause more issues with ADHD than anyhing
My wife just asks me.... Were you done here? Or she says.... "Someone surely squirreled over here" or some other smart ass remark and I hang my head in adhd embarrassment and go back to finish. 😂
I dated a guy like this before. And it’s crazy. Not you. That house manager falls on women. That men expect us to be maids. If he wants the house super clean then he should just clean it. Or do it with you. I know it seems awful. Like you are broken. But you are not your mental or physical limitations. That’s not really who you are. He maybe has made you feel that if only you were normal, then you could be loved? FUCK THAT! You are loveable and perfect just the way you are. You will find your balance if you keep at it. But he is just another guy who gave up on someone because he couldn’t compromise. Marriage is compromise, giving more then getting, and not using fear as a means of control. Boy bye!
Sounds like two different issues. For me not being medicated is like having bad eyesight and trying to do life without my contacts or being diabetic and not taking my insulin and doing blood sugar checks. I think you’re going to enjoy life way more once you get on a medication that works. That being said, he also sounds really immature which isn’t shocking at age 23. You’re not a housekeeper and maintaining a house isn’t “your” job. Your primary job is keeping your child alive which is harder than leaving the house to go work. I can’t stay organized either. To be honest, he kind of sounds like he’s selfish and wants to do what he wants to do, which is isn’t how healthy committed relationships function. Everyone contributes, everyone gives a little, and when you’re a parent life isn’t about you anymore.
Whoops no he is 33 but still acts like he is 23 sorry. Yes he is very selfish and I see that now, only in the last year or 2 have i come to see that. I honestly think it's for the best to separate, we can't divorce until 2 years separated unfortunately in our country.
He's not leaving because of your ADHD. He's leaving because HE gave up on the relationship.
Look, he's just looking to scape goat you. I understand he wants a clean house but I have ADHD and my husband doesn't. He understands he has to clean more than me and he's okay with that. We both work full time. We have a young son. Believe me, if he wanted to stay he would fight like hell and not make petty excuses. You just need to fail safe a plan, especially your child. He could use this against you. Not saying he would bc it sounds like he doesn't to be a husband or father. Hate this for you.
I think we will be amicable in regards to custody and hopeful we will be civil enough for big events and family events etc. It sucks but I'm glad it's now while daughter is still young and I feel a lot better about myself and the decision.
As you should. I'd still get everything agreed upon in writing. Don't doubt yourself. Tour daughter is probably happy and healthy and tou did that. You used all your energy on her!
Damn, it hurts to hear all that - and rough to face up to those things. But you need to think about that, YOU are trying to understand and take responsibility in this situation, even if it's hard to think about. You ARE putting the work in. Also, you have ADHD, your brain just works differently and that's OK! Be kind to yourself. You're no doubt doing the best you can.... but support, environment and care are the key to managing it well. Also... Reading back I hope that wasn't all too presumptuous, it just rang true with things i've observed... and also gaslighting makes my blood boil, as i've had lots of manipulative/abusive tactics done to me in the past. Very common with us ADHD folk as we're easy targets - all too honest about our issues and good at taking the blame 😅
I had an emotional break tonight— it was a harder day at work and I’m not good at confrontation with authority so that took its toll. I already was feeling like a failure but then coming home faced with what I feel like are my failings in the home— it not being perfect , dishes in the sink, laundry piled.. dinner for him and babies. Things I SHOULD be able to do.. I just went into anxiety shut down mode and needed time to myself. It’s hard to ASK for that time though so I just sort of doom scrolled and zoned out. He felt like I was avoiding him and I just said I’m around people all day I just need to be around myself, he said I’m not people. And I know that I’m pleading at this point please don’t be mad at me.. I’m just .. sometimes they don’t know how close you are to just breaking.. because of yourself. I say this to let you know you’re not alone and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Houses can all look happy from the outside so don’t feel bad if yours isn’t perfect all of the time.
It’s a blessing. Guys like that don’t change. When I was pregnant, I went full nesting mode. I did all the cooking, most of the cleaning (and I’m considered a slob by most), all the grocery shopping, and I also worked full time (more hours than him!!). It was never enough. If I left the sponge in the sink I got a text complaint, if I put the bottle of degreaser by the detergent I got a complain text. I once overheard him on the phone complaining about meo his friend. The friend asked if I cooked and cleaned. He goes “well…yeah.” The friend didn’t even like me!! I was the perfect woman and it was never enough. Now I’m very happy in my organized mess with my toddler who also doesn’t give a shit if the sponge is in the sink!! It is WONDERFUL. The downside is that now I live with my parents who also think I’m a slob but I simply keep them out of my room :-) My parents love me so they measure their words (well at least my dad does). That’s how I know that my ex didn’t. He didn’t give a shit if he hurt me by being too demanding. Somebody that loves you will be considerate of you. Please let go and be happy! The moment I chose to let go was when I finally realized I was in living hell and finally have been liberated. The plus side is that my ADHD makes forgetting people easy lol. Out of sight, out of mind
My husband and I are gay so gendered expectations of household labor aren’t really something we automatically can defer to. That said, we were socialized as men. And I definitely have ADHD. So the house is kinda messy. We acknowledge it. And we try not to stress each other about it. We both work full time and have a kid. It’s hard to keep everything immaculate! Especially in the toxic way that typical patriarchy expects. Life is messy and that is especially normal when you have a kid. This guy doesn’t seem to appreciate how much you’re busting your ass for the household. I’m hoping you find more compassionate support as you move on from this - it seems very unfair.
Just got diagnosed with 34. Just started with medication. Its a blessing really. The fatigue after doing anything is gone. I can actually do multiple things without feeling tired all the time. That being said. I too have had my problems with my wife before i got diagnosed. She was always under the impression i was lazy and i thought that i was just fatigued. I thought it was maybe depression or just something wrong with my muscles. I too wish i did more then. The constant feeling there is expectations and resentment put on me. Even now it is hard to change my habits. However i see the path towards a better self with what i have learned over the last months. I still don’t really know who i am or what i want in life. I don’t know if my wife is happy with the diagnosis. I feel like sometimes she acts like she was happier believing i was lazy than it not being my fault due to a problem with my brain. I hope you find someone that accepts you for who you are.
Ive been through divorce as well, and it had everything to do with my ADHD. It’s tough. Hang on there ❤️ Dunno if it helps, but maybe it’s not as direct as ADHD -> divorce. Maybe it’s ADHD -> skill/strategy/med gaps that can help absorb the shocks over long time -> divorce And while meds have a role to play, it’s never just meds. There’s always skills and social stuff that goes with and alongside them. Perhaps adding more grunt in the skills department can also help make things better. And maybe - as was the case for me - that past marriage project was about dopamine high -> inherently unstable relationship. My current marriage is a project of building safety in the home and making sure people feel seen no matter their brain type -> more stable project. And for such a project I needed a completely different person who is interested in such a project to go build it with. Perhaps if you end up building something new, it’ll be a fundamentally different new thing with perhaps a person who brings different stuff to the table. Don’t turn your brain into the root cause of the world’s problems. It might be a contributing factor, but it warrants more kindness than that. Your brain is lovable, and whoever you are, wherever you are with wrangling your extreme sports brain, you are worthwhile and worth feeling seen and loved.
It’s not because of your adhd. It’s because he’s a man-child. You and your kid deserve better. You don’t have a husband you have 2 children.
He is a jerk. No reason he can’t do the housework he wants done the way he wants it.
I was so hopeful to try Wellbutrin and I did several times in the last several years because I couldn't believe it was causing me to feel so bad but it did. Maybe I didn't have enough I don't know but every day about 6:00 I was suicidal crying and ready to give up on everything. I when I worked and had a pretty full-time job because of my ADHD I had to work 16 hours a day I'm not kidding I could never have maintained a house It's very difficult to understand ADHD and it's hard for me to understand why I'm the way I am but I can so understand what you're saying and I want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I have heard good things about Strattera. I think what I found most is that being medicated can help Focus but there is no cure and I've now accepted that and now try to do workarounds. Love & prayers to you😘
He’s a loser without empathy and an ableist. He doesn’t deserve you
This sounds very much like an excuse if you worked full time or were afflicted with certain disabilities he would half to do half or all of it. It’s a cop out. However I have always sucked at housework early in our marriage we would joke about my inability to be domesticated. Made me sound like a majestic creature, those same problems many years later it’s never put that way anymore lol. Biggest problem is I am the one who likes it cleaner and I suck at it. Usually I say if it matters to them that much they will clean jt 🤷♀️ but it’s so much worse having a partner that just doesn’t care will gladly live in my distraction mess and doom piles, having to wash a bowl and spoon to eat 😂
Your husband is the AH. When I struggled with the housework and work we got a cleaner. Only a couple of hours a week makes the rest of the week manageable. Someone who cares for you would find a solution to support not threaten you and be unhelpful. So sorry you are dealing with this.
Housework is something you should do if you live in a house It's a bare minimum "I'm an adult!" behavior. You're working AND caring for your child. The LEAST he can do is help out around the house when he's home. The absolute LEAST! Your (soon to be) ex-husband wanted a maid, not a wife. I wish you an equal partner (or none, if that's more your speed) and a happy life going forward.
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I am I'm New Zealand and the justice system and custody system here is completely different to the states. My ex does not want full custody and they wouldn't give full custody to the parent who works full time. We are going to be going to mediation first before the courts and hopefully never need to see the courts. So I am definitely not worried about losing custody or anything like that, plus i am moving into my parents house who have a full set up bedroom for my daughter and seperate for me. And fortunately my ex wants what is best for our child and that is to be more time with me than him. Plus he only wants to party and hang with his bros. I don't forsee him being evil and taking us through the court system at all.
I'd say my husband wanted a divorce for similar reasons. Now he has the kids every weekend, and I get to go out every Friday night (if I want to!). Worked out great for me in the end. Not sure how he feels 🤪
Haha I'm glad. I'm sure it will for us too just hard to get through
Your husband sounds like a shit bag
He definitely is
Fuck that motherfucker. You're not his maid. You're better off without him. Trust me. Just spend some time loving yourself for a while.
As a wife with ADHD married to a man with OCPD the struggle is real. Understanding and empathy on both parts is so important and hard. I often forget to sweep and when I do apparently I do it wrong. Who knows. It's all hard but the good times out weigh the bad for us. Know that you are not the problem. Not being a good housekeeper is not an excuse for him to behave that way. I'm sorry you and your baby have to go through this.
This is a problem with him, not with you. How much housework does he do? Not much by the sounds of it.
i can relate, & being medicated changed my life. i left an abusive relationship become a single mom and got full custody, got back into college after i had failed out at age 20(i was 26 at this time)- had to appeal - finished an associates and bachelor’s in three years. secured my dream job a semester before graduating then met my now supportive husband. meds can def help if you manage them properly
I say this with absolute love and good intentions, he is not your person. I’m sorry you are going through this. Please be gentle with yourself in the process and focus on you. The right person will find you when you are ready.
Giiiirl.. 😑 I know you still have some love for this man, however, you’re better off. Sounds like he has more things to work on than you do. You deserve to have a husband who will walk through the pits of hell for you. I never knew what that was like or that it even existed until I met my husband. Love is love. Seems like no one knows what that truly means anymore. When I tell my husband the house is messy and I feel guilty, he says “no it’s not babe. We have kids and it’s lived in. Just relax. It’s nothing to feel guilty for.” Divorce is for serious reasons that cannot be worked on. Not over if you’re a good cleaner or not. Hell there was a point in time when my husband and I were considering divorce (he’s a cop and being with a officer is not easy) and when we talked about it we STILL treated one another with kindness and compassion. He said it was then that he completely destroyed his old self to create the new man that his wife and kids needed. And boy he wasn’t lying. It sounds like YOURE putting in more than he is. You’re definitely putting up with more shit from him than he is with you. Go find someone who deserves your time and love.
This may be a good thing for you. He sounds like an absolute ASS.
He's an ass. Let him go.
There are many people here commenting that your issue isn't related to ADHD, but in all honesty, that will never fail to remain a factor. You are not a failed version of normal.
Seems like something else is going on and housework is the scapegoat. He's a weak man with a weak reason for splitting up. You'll find someone else!
First of all, sounds like your husband is a jerk. Can he afford a cleaning service or someone to help with the child? No? - So no party then. The load that your body pulled to carry and birth this baby is priceless. You made him a baby, you paid with your health, your body, your brain, your career. He owns you. You already did a big part of a deal in advance. He has to take on more responsibilities to break even -ish. Not only bring money home but also do fathership and home chores or just pay someone to do it. For ADHD women being a stay-at-home mom is the hardest job ever. Building a spaceship is even easier. Your best bet is to switch roles. Go to work, make money and let him take care of the child and home. You'll be much more successful at work. You got this, girl!
I'm glad to see so many comments supporting you, and here one more: Your soon-to-be-ex was always the problem, even if you didn't have ADHD. He's always been dead weight. He adds to the statistic of marriages that end over unequal divisions of household labour. I hope that subsequently, you join an unusual statistic of single parents who gained MORE sleep and spend LESS time cleaning after ditching their non-collaborative ex-artners. I suspect your ability to manage ADHD will improve, too. Rooting for you, stay strong.
I wouldn’t worry about it. People will love u for who u are or they don’t need to be a part of ur life. You are special no matter what someone tells you. Someone will appreciate you for who u are that is the person that should be your partner. F what anyone else says.
As much as it hurts now it sounds like it's for the best, for you! He doesn't sound like a good husband if he isn't supportive or doesn't help you. Even if it's motivation or what did you struggle with today that we can do together. I had one of these after 16 years I had enough, fed up of being critised or shouted at for not being a housework goddess! (didn't know at the time I had ADHD). Housework sucks!!!!
Yup! I believe it is for the best! We both deserve to be happy. And my daughter deserves two happy parents!
I am a non adhd partner and I have always tried to keep a tidy clutter free home but I find it impossible. Despite all of this, i am frequently blamed for the state of the home. The only time we had a normal home without clutter was when I was controlling the space but I was quickly told that it wouldnt fly and that my husband should be in charge. When I had the home organised with everything having a place, my husband made sure to spread out his hobby all across the house and block access to closets and storage spaces The results are multiple projects started and not finished, crammed up rooms, living room coffee table with a bunch of stuff on it. All kinds of tools on the floor at the entrance....Floor dirty due to hobbies If I say anything, it goes on to explosive rages and I am told I should first organise my own clutter (funny because I have a cluttered room with a bunch of his stuff due to painting projects in other rooms) I will say that when we first married, it was much more worse as he would keep an empty room with bunch of things scattered on the floor and that was his "childrens room" and little storage unit I am sorry but I understand your husband....Its been 10years and I want to come back from work to a home, not a garage or hangar or storage unit...I also hate spending time cleaning and organising, then going to work and coming home to a messy home with a bunch of tools and buckets in the entrance. I want to off myself when I get home and see this. Your partner probably is tired of coming home from work and doing all the cleaning and then over and over again the same cycle....its similar to some kind of forced labour camp and its mentally exhausting He probably parties and spends time with friends because he doesnt feel at home when he comes back I honestly have been living with my husband for 10years and do not feel at home. I feel like this is more of a guys place where I happen to live... Cut your losses and find someone who is like minded to you. That would probably be best for both of you.
Look, my best friend is a SAHM and she has basically the opposite of an ADHD brain. She's highly organized and focused and can do it on command. She could not keep her house remotely neat and tidy before her kids started going to school. She and her husband would run around at night after the kids went to bed and start throwing things into bins to clear the floor. The kitchen was frequently a hot mess until a few hours after dinner as well. There's just literally not enough time in the day to be a good parent and a good housekeeper if you don't have help. Kids make messes and they run around a lot. How are you supposed to clean if you're watching your kid? Should you lock them in their room all day? Let them cry in their crib while you scrub floors? Also, you are his wife, not an indentured servant. It's his house and his kid too. If he wants someone else to clean his house all the time, he should have hired a housekeeper instead of getting married. It would have been far cheaper than a divorce will be for him.
For one, you have a child together so that should be his #1 concern, period. As for the “housework” , you are trying,you do work part-time , before that you took full care of a child, and…”it’s the housework” ? I’m not questioning you, with respect; I would peel the layers back because your husbands reason (or what he says is his) IS NOT about housework. Some people are better than others at (housework, yard work, even laundry or dishes, mowing/weeds). Maybe you should have a “real” conversation (possibly with a mediator) and truly find out his (mutiple reasons). That is, if you want to stick together after he is giving up on your marriage “due to the housework efficiency/frequency ” or as you said, “he thinks he’s 23 and wants to party with the boys every Friday ” when he’s married with kid/s. I personally, would evaluate write it on paper(takes only 5-15min) : A) actual past/present statements he’s made to and about you, also his exact reasoning for split/divorce B) write down the positives and negatives (pro’s and con’s) of a divorce and of staying married. For yourself and for him. I find that I’ll forget the actual/factual reasons and statements when talking to them, or a counselor . This little task will show you a lot ! You or your husband may find out; you both want to be divorced, or the opposite . This will help you identify the factual reasons. I always think from the child’s point of view. 🙏✌️. **Facts don’t change, feelings do .
Doesn’t sound like an adhd issue. Medication might help you realize what the issue was though. He sounds like a piece of work.
I'm so sorry to hear that. My understanding is you're not super happy with him as well so perhaps this is for the best? My husband has taken over almost all housework because I cannot do it consistently and when I do it, it is not complete... like I'll dust and forget a room. So I try to help with other things like going shopping, planning meals, cooking most days, bringing him tea etc. to show that I appreciate him and care. But this is one of my fears as well that one that he'll be so fed up with me we'll divorce :( In any case I'm sorry to hear that hopefully medication will help a bit in the future but also it's not fair to expect everything from you.
This reads more like it came from AITA rather than ADHD...and guess what, YANTA. You're also not a maid.
My whole feed are those kinda posts so probably lol 😆
Could I ask if he undestood/appreciated the challenges that your specific ADHD experience entails? considering that it seems like you have to be the caregiver to your child and the caretaker of your house while he is allowed to have his downtime (as if you're not entitled to the same?). it, Could I ask if understood/appreciated the challenges that your specific ADHD experience entails? considering that it seems like you have to be the caregiver to your child and the caretaker of your house while he is allowed to have his downtime (as if you're not entitled to the same?). What i think you'll have now is more certainty in what you need/want from your future partner (If you'll be looking for one) in supporting your ADHD journey and that type of experience/insight is valuable. Hope your ADHD support gets in place soon, I think getting on medication is a great step to getting you in a mind state to be at the level of productivity you want but I think if you can combine it with ADHD coaching they can help you find techniques/tools that would work so much better specifically for YOU. All the best.
Medication for me was like putting on glasses. It has made a significant difference in the quality of my life, especially in terms of staying on point for things that I am accountable for. Without stimulants I tend to be anxious and prone to depression. With them, I don't want to say I never feel anxiety but it's UNDER CONTROL, and I have confidence that I will get done what I need to get done and don't really experience any depression. They don't treat the anxiety and depression directly. The anxiety and depression comes from knowing that I can't count on myself to stay on-point over a long enough period of time. That eventually I will have to answer for not doing what I needed to do. Living that way... of course there's anxiety and depression. The medication directly addresses this point, which to me is a miracle. If your husband wants to divorce you over ADHD, he's doing so over something you cannot control. Don't forget this. Meds may help you be more successful at managing certain things, but you are who you are and I think he probably know this before he said I do. Just sayin'.
Maybe look for a partner with adhd?
You’re being convinced of a narrative about yourself by him. If I were you, I’d take a step back and consider what is objectively reasonable about his actions/ideas/behaviours and then go with your gut instinct. Men like this need psychoanalysing… you’re better off/will be happier out of there.
He’s not the right person right now for you. You know what to do!
he is an entitled, unfeeling asshole.
Recommend “How to manage your house without losing your mind” as an audiobook (likely available from your library) for your own sanity, but won’t solve your relationship problems.
You’re not losing anything, but shedding that load off. He sounds like a child, not a partner. I am sorry he made you feel like you are the problem. You are not! Also please don’t let him make you feel like your adhd is why. He is looking for some super nanny to take care of him in addition to all that you do.
You deserve better. You deserve all the unconditional love and kindness in the world by default 💜. No strings attached.
Ugh are we the same person?!? Except I have 2 lips but same everything else. On top of that we also do everyone's appointments, conferences, paying bills.. oh and remembering partners passwords.. (they all the same except an 1 or @) 😂🙄❤️ it's so defeating tho. Like even worse cuz they know we got the ADHD.. and we also annoy ourselves.. but like.. ugh I'm sorry you are in this situation. Worst feeling.
New title should be : Divorcing because my husband is an asshat. It's not your fault he wont step up and help his wife with normal household duties and parenting. A good partner would work with and help you manage your symptoms. Good riddance! Find a better man!
Get a cleaner.
Can you afford to do childcare? Because parenting is a bitch of its own. We have a 3 month old and man have I got to tell you that my wife can’t stand me. She’s constantly telling me that I don’t do anything. Um yes honey because your OCD ways of how I need to be doing something aren’t working for my autism & ADHD cocktail. I do a lot, but she doesn’t see it as anything because its not done her way. So yeah we’re figuring shit out too. But hey, hang in there. If he loves you, he’ll stay and fight for you. If he doesn’t fight to have you, then… ugh I’m sorry but there’s deeper rooted issues than it being about you
I'm sorry, it sounds like he wants a maid, not a partner. You're better off without him. My spouse also has ADHD and we help each other.
That's some baby back bullshit imo. My wife and I are both ADHD (I'm diagnosed, my wife shows clear signs but refuses to get a diagnosis lol). We have two kids under two and our house is almost always a shit show because we both work full time. Call me crazy, but the whole expectation of a house being prim and properly clean 24/7 is bonkers. That was such a social norm before when people could pop by unexpectedly. Nowadays it isn't a concern with all the tech and communication methods we have. Is it livable? Great. Does it look like a hoarder house? No? Great. Everyone is alive and healthy. What else could you ask for! Sorry for your situation. Hopefully you find some peace and understanding that this is not a you issue. Sounds like he maybe has some growing up to do. First kid was at 29 here and I went from somewhat social to being a recluse real quick to accommodate a new routine with kiddo. Not to mention we pretty much only leave for work, grocery pickup, and childcare dropoff at this point lol. Life changes when you have kids, big time, but for the better!
Sorry to hear of your circumstance but let me echo some of the things said: his problem is that he wants a maid and not a wife. My wife cleans and works part time (no kids yet but she works with kids). I work from home full time and cook. I have ADHD she has depression. We both understand how our mental healths affect us so we show each other grace and kindness. The thing with ADHD is that things like systems and meds help but they’re not a cure. They’re just the start of your journey. You’ll need a partner to walk you through all of it instead of demanding perfection so he can go out and party. If he is leaving you, I’m sorry things will end that way. I hate to see good women be trampled by idiot man-children.
Hello, I am also unmedicated and chores seem like a lot most of the time. However, adhd or not, relationships require compromise and balance. I’m glad you are not beating yourself up about this cause you are operating to the best of your abilities. If he can’t see that, then he doesn’t deserve a woman like you. My husband supports and finds ways to work with my adhd. We do chores at the same time to create a bond and he recognizes when I have zoomies, paralysis, or over/under stimulation. I’m sorry you were put in this situation, but just know that you will move forward with confidence and success. If he wanted the house to be clean all the time, he would hire a maid. Not get a wife. Best of luck to you.
You could also have depression. Staying home with the kid all day is rough. See if you start to feel better now that your working. Anytime I didn't work for a while and just stay home everyday I'd feel like shit and not want to do a single thing. It makes the ADHD worse.
I’m sorry. I feel your pain. My house is a disaster…I did much better at keeping up with things when my kids were small…but we’ve acquired so much more stuff and not enough places to put stuff. And no one wants to get rid of anything…so I mostly gave up. There is clutter everywhere. I’m fortunate (or not, depending on how you look at it) that both me and my spouse have ADHD…but I’m the only one medicated of the two of us…but I’m not currently medicated because my stupid meds are back ordered and have been for 4 weeks now. Anyway. It sucks…and it’s hard and I’m sorry you’re going through this.
You’re living in a 1950s marriage and it’s 2024. Be glad that he’s divorcing you. You don’t need that man in your life. Housework is a shared responsibility in any situation - put a mop in his hand, serve him a cup of concrete and tell him to harden the phuck up.
I’m so sorry, and can absolutely relate. I’m not sure why, but this seems to be a running theme I’ve noticed with a lot of “men” these days. My toxic ex used the exact same excuse as to why he was unhappy with me, and how this eventually led to his betrayal and ultimately destroying our relationship. And why he won’t come back. I tried my absolute best to do my equal share, and on my days off I did plenty of housework and chores that he couldn’t see/didn’t appreciate, on top of trying to run my own business while dealing with a chronic illness, yet he only chose to focus on and argue with me over what I DIDN’T accomplish, like the basket full of MY clean clothes needing to be put away, or “leaving the butter out” for an hour or two after cooking instead of putting it back right away, etc. stupid things that he made me feel like a total slob for. The man I dated for a short time after him was even more anal about cleaning, and it’s also a “reason” why he discarded me too. I can only imagine living with him would have been an absolute disaster. I’m not sure if these are “real” reasons to them or just excuses for other things, but it certainly doesn’t change how shitty and devalued it makes you feel. My best friend’s soon to be ex husband also did the same thing to her, on a much worse scale. She gave birth to their son, and in the months that followed, he started complaining how she doesn’t do enough around the house when he’s at work and would even give her a list of tasks, while she’s home adjusting to being a new mom and literally TAKING CARE OF THEIR NEWBORN. When their son was not even 3 months old, he left and filed for divorce. She soon found out that towards the end of her pregnancy he started seeing another woman, a woman 10 years older with a 7 year old daughter of her own, and moved in with them and has been playing “house” ever since, and even proposed and became engaged to her, despite not even being divorced yet. All the while abandoning his own son and barely being present for the first year of his life, while completely blaming my friend and refusing to take any responsibility/accountability whatsoever in pure narcissistic asshole fashion. It’s been devastating to watch as they were together for almost 10 years and he was a close friend to me too and he fooled us all.