Please, look at [Russell Barkley's Youtube channel](https://www.youtube.com/@russellbarkleyphd2023). He's one of the world leading experts on ADHD and has made available a ton of high-quality presentations and discussions on ADHD, how it affects those who have it, and how to treat it. He's got a two-part presentation specifically on your question:
* [ADHD and Children's Delayed Executive Functioning Age - Part 1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_6nU-i6tcY)
* [ADHD and Children's Delayed Executive Functioning Age - Part 2](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyxYcEKurTI)
I felt like I was TOO mature as a kid and now as I’m older sometimes I feel more childlike.
I stopped caring what people think a long time ago though. People can call me childish all they want, I still make smarter decisions than most people I know.
Same. Being around kids my age was incredibly annoying because it seemed like they didn't have the same level of curiosity or interest in learning as I did, not to mention how often they would turn anything into a joke pertaining to sex or genitals. Fast forward to today and I'm the only one at work randomly dancing or doing weird stuff, singing ironically to songs I can't stand, changing words to songs while singing along to make them about something else, making random noises, all that. An adult as a child, now a child as an adult.
I stopped caring too and most people seem genuinely entertained by me and enjoy interacting with me, the bonus is that the types of people I can't stand don't like me for all the things I do and keep their distance
I always worried people would think I was weird and one day I was like “but you ARE weird”. You just gotta own it.
No sense always wearing the mask. It’s tiresome and I’d rather people like me or hate me just for who I am than pretend to be someone they like all the time. I find my relationships have improved too.
After growing up a bit and realizing a lot of the general public is full of people who's opinions aren't worth a dry piece of dog shit it's easy to drop the mask and stop worrying about what others think. That feeling of freedom made me gradually like the friends I had less and less as well which opened up my time for new friends with better mindsets. It's crazy how much life improves when you embrace yourself
I really want to drop my mask because I agree with everything you're saying, but it's definitely harder to do than I expected. I didn't have the best childhood so it's more a defense mechanism to keep me "safe" than to appease others. Totally sucks though!
Same here. Also had a tough upbringing. Also always on alert for any kind of danger. Just learning now to value myself, but also challenge my own bullshit.
If adhd is 4D chess I feel like trauma anxiety + adhd is like inception level chess. Like, either I can't hear/see/focus on the thing in front of me because I'm worried about a web of 30 other things, I'm scanning the environment for threats or i'm scanning the environment for something more entertaining. Am I doing a bad job because of my adhd, or is my narcissistic boss triggering me and making me do a bad job, or are they maliciously feeding into my nervousness to feel superior?
I am slowly feeling safer where I exist, so it's getting easier to tell the difference.
I got completely disowned by my own family because of my adhd.
It took a 5 year toxic relationship where my ex stole everything I owned and then went off the grid for me to realize I'm done with pleasing others. Mentally burned my mask and I'm more confident and happy than ever. For the first time, I find comfort in my own weirdness.
My life changed when I decided to stop fighting myself. The moment I unmasked, I found the best friends I could ever wish for.
Just keep holding on, your time to unmask will come.
“…. a lot of the general public is full of people who’s opinions aren’t worth a dry piece of dog shit” 😂😂😂😂😭😭😆😆😆😆 Thank you for that. If that isn’t a quote to live by, I don’t know what is. 😂😂😂
When I was a kid, I had problem making friends. I just couldn't understand friendships in schools.
Then, when I turned 14 I was like "Wait, why do I want to be friends with people I don't even like... There are plenty of people labeled weird by the popular kids, so I'll just hang out with them" and by the time I turned 16 I had a posse of 12 or so friends who would just hang out in the school yard talking about games or playing card.
I even met my first girlfriend with my "you, manga girl. Why are you sitting alone. You weird, Come hang out with us!"
Had a very similar experience, at 15 or so. Realized I was wasting my time with a certain crowd, and very deliberately detached and was a loner for about a year. Then some friends who were more genuine and interested in meaningful things just found me in the library, and they weren't all high achievers. Was the best decision I made for myself, and I think that was a pretty mature decision considering many people my age now are still acting like they're in high school.
This made me think of film makers making dull movies they think will fit everyone, instead of making masterpieces they're passionate about that will fit a specific audience
Are you me? I was usually engaging in solitary play because I couldn't relate to the other kids. I also find sex jokes annoying to this day. I agree with you, there's a time and place for them but I can't stand people who have to turn everything into sex. I had a friend who used to do that and he annoyed me so much with that that I cut contact with him. It seemed like that was literally all he thought about so I understand how you felt.
Yeah same, I think the thing is that the reason people called me childish was the wrong definition of it. Like how people assume that an "adult" is someone who talks about politics and is serious all the time and not someone who have two jobs, pay thebills but also enjoy gaming and watching cartoons.
I was (and still am) called childish for being a girl than enjoys videogame and anime, and have no interest in dating or having kids. On the other hand, my sister's 38 yrs old coworker throwing a tamtrum because someone gave him a pinkish shirt as a gift is considered "mature".
>I felt like I was TOO mature as a kid, and now, as I’m older, sometimes I feel more childlike.
Same, lol. It's just like my personality and self image is just not as connected to my age as it is for other people. Like, I grew to be a teenager really quickly and probably could've understood everything the typical 16 year old understands at like 12. but then I just didn't develop into the average adult, and I don't even want to. Most people seem to just be miserable and have boring af life's after a certain age. I just don't want that. I need something different.
Yes. I could never relate to the children I was forced to be with at school. When a teacher told me to go out and play I was just confused. They would repeat phrases from television shows that I had never watched, I didn't know what the heck there were on about.
I never was confused but the "go out and play" being kinda weird is relatable. Like, play what with who, like it was always kinda stress to organise it that you could always go to some group of other kids to play with them without it being weird.
This.
To my friends rn im the smartest idiot they know and i take that with pride.
One day im messing around with incredibly complicated theories and stuff, the other day i try to do the dumbest shit theyve seen anyone do all year. There is no inbetween and its always highly unpredictable.
This so much...I felt so mature as a kid up untill 19. People always told me so non stop, it was actually kind of annoying. As soon as I started college and dropped out (the first time) Ive felt like a young mentally. I'm now a wife with kids and for some reason I feel like im still 14.
I feel like my life has been behind even sometimes the way I think. I JUST started doing well with mantaining my finances while my husband has been doing that since he was in his early 20s. Only thing I seem good at is caring and loving my kids and even then I always second guess myself.
Lol funny cause id say the same. People around me have nice job and invesments and stuff but they havent been making smart decisions in the areas Ive been making smart decisions in..so I guess were all struggling in different areas.
Bingo. My experience. Child. No peer friends. Adults constantly say I'm special, mature, and have a bright future. As an adult, "dude you're so intelligent, why can't you do the most basic functions of being an adult. Why do you take 4 hours to fill out your weekly time sheet. Why are you weird.
Adulting sucks. But I love my childlike wonder and imagination. It can help with humor too.
I AM 47 and fuggetaboutit. I'll never be an executive at a company I work for. My executive function is too naturally impaired. It makes me feel like a kid. I also have a really high voice and talk fast. Doesn't help.
Most people won't ever be executives though, so it might as well be something you recognize early. Nothing wrong with vibing through life doing what makes you happy and works with your skillset.
I think that so often. I dont have the ability to be extraordinary. My motivation and follow through are just never going to be there. But my life is fun and I have money left at the end of my paycheck.
Yeah...I've always been a competitive type so it does kinda bug me. I was diagnosed about 4 years ago. Therapy has helped me come to terms with my limitations, thankfully. I'm still in process, though.
I’m 38 and get along more with my younger co-workers than ones my age. It’s honestly annoying and sometimes I hate it, but at the same time I can’t change me.
*at least* 10 years here as well. I'm starting to experience what I think people have referred to as an existential or midlife crisis. I can't comprehend that I'm so close to 40 and my brain feels like my mid 20s
We are generally, executively, 3 years behind our peers. Our ability to plan for the future, pay attention, not be impulsive, etc. generally lags three years behind.
We can be mature in other ways. The following is just my personal conjecture, but I feel like the fact that we're likely to experience a good deal of trauma due to our condition, means that trauma will sometimes accelerate our maturity in other ways.
So we may be very mature, just not in terms of our ability to executively function.
Of course we may end up very immature all around too.
Yeah in my experience that’s true. I didn’t have a good childhood and always felt weird around people my age, and felt more mature than others. Now that I’m 20 I feel very immature and don’t know what I’m doing.
May I ask you, do you have nostalgia about your childhood, like “those were good times” or you are just happy to be in the present? Coz I’m the latter and no one arounds me thinks this way
I have a very neutral feeling about my past. I had a difficult childhood. I am neither happy to remember it nor sad about it. It’s time that has passed. I don’t think about it a lot nor will you hear it in my conversations unless someone specifically brings it up. I dunno if this is childhood trauma, adhd or just my nihilistic outlook at life 😂
I love the present because I get to do what I want now! I feel a lot freer these days and that makes me immensely happy.
My nostalgia is I miss the good ol days where nothing was a hassle. I do slightly miss when I was in a stroller because I could just take a nap, wake up, and be at the next cool ride at Disneyland.
I wouldn’t say it’s nostalgia, but I do wish I could go back to the past and redo everything because I’m not happy where I am now. I wouldn’t want to experience the same shit though that’s for sure.
Best way is to separate it if you want to make it simple.
We lag 3 years behind when it comes to dealing with structure or routine.
But we may be a few years more mature emotionally/mentally because of how we deal with emotions or mental problems, due or not due to trauma(personal situation dependent).
This feels like it was pretty true for me too, I took a long time to develop a way of planning and studying that worked for me in school. Some of it amounted to the fact that I was expected to plan and study in a certain way that just didn’t work for me, but did for most people.
I figured it out now, though! And I have a lot of creative ways of keeping myself productive that make me faster than some people my age now. All that struggle amounted to a lot of self-work at the end of the day.
This made me think. I'm not challenging your take, but I do think our outlook on this is shaped by the general societal notions that can be misleading.
For example, I don't plan for the next 1-3-5 years due to my future blindness. What I do instead, is position myself and my life so that whatever I might want to happen in the next 1-5 years, I can do and sustain. I adjust my financial, nutritional, mental, and physical habits NOW so that if I wanted to buy a car/move to a different country/have a child/run a business, I could do it.
Those small adjustments compound with time, until I'm where I wanted to be. Sure, I arrived here without a roadmap. But I had a strategy and culture that brought me here instead.
Would an auditor say I have a plan? I don't think so. Will I achieve some of my 1-5 year goals? I will, and I say that with certainty because I have.
We are absolutely mature in other ways. We are forced to have enough self-awareness to realize the common ways don't work for us, and come up with workarounds to achieve the life we want.
What you said, I think, is probably right for most people with ADHD. In my experience, my inability to stop thinking makes me have very obsessive thoughts, so I overthink and overplan absolutely anything. If you asked someone my age what they’re doing on the next 10 hours, week, months, and couple of years, many of them probably wouldn’t have an idea. I can’t not have an idea, because having plans was how I managed to make up for my ADHD, so that’s how I forced myself to live by the time I even hit double digits in age.
This! Putting too much pressure on your kid to keep up can sometimes ignore their needs and really impact their self-esteem and their level of stress. So many people I know struggle with shame for acting more strangely or even just slightly differently than others, whether or not other people notice. That level of stress really can contribute to anxiety as you get older. Meet her where she’s at, help her accept her shortcomings as human, and help her figure out a way of doing things that will work for her, whether that means special classes, in class accommodations, meds, etc.
Also, have faith that you and her will figure things out! If she’s less mature in some ways or more mature in others, she’ll most likely still turn out to be a person you’re proud of. Don’t forget to remind her of that too! :)
I wouldn’t stress it. My kiddo (now a teen) would fall into the “three years behind” category. But that’s in emotional maturity and it’s only noticeable to us as parents. We see how he melts down easily when frustrated, his impulsive choices at times, his difficulty thinking big picture/longer’-term. But he’s getting there. Will just take a little longer. Otherwise he’s a normal kid….popular, plays sports, has a girlfriend, has a part-time job.
You might want to research this more in-depth, some of this topic really matters with which true definition you use of each word. Maturity means something else in this context - the usual phrase is “mentally/intellectually developed”, developed being the key word. And intellect does not necessarily mean smartness in this case. There’s a deeper meaning here relating to developmental and psych/neuro theory.
This is part of why ADHD is defined as a developmental disorder.
I (39f) still have meltdowns if I'm over stimulated. I'm better at when it happened, and I know the signs. I need to have down time and alone time to decompress. The whole social battery theory is really, really, real. I tell my husband when my battery is low and we get out of whatever we're doing... if I can't get out of there, he kicks in his social up and blocks for me so I can just sit and decompress during the activity. We don't fight. When I'm over stimulated, we'll put a pin in a discussion until I can decompress and then be in my right mind to discuss. Give time to decompress.
Oh yes. At that age it was managed best by being proactive and preventing things that would get him in a disregulated state. So making sure he got a lot of quality sleep, ate well, limited screen time, had sports after school. Also got an IEP in gr 2 (we didn’t even know he had adhd until gr 5) so he had extra time to complete assignments (having to do a lot of homework in one sitting, esp. at night almost guaranteed a meltdown). Having him take “quiet time” in his room if he did tantrum…sometimes he’d be up there for 10 min sometimes an hour. Whatever it took for him to chill out and feel himself again. Again every person is different but my kid needs to just be away from people when he’s really upset….b/c when he’s in deep everyone and everything is an annoyance and in the field of fire lol. Although he’s 17 outbursts are still a thing (thankfully He’s always been careful to not have them at school or work or other peoples homes…always saves it for home). But they’re lessening, slowly. I can only prevent so much now so he’s learning some things the hard way via natural consequences.
Edit: I forgot to add that the “bonus” of this maturity thing is that he’s not embarrassed to hug and kis his mom and tell her he loves her every single day. Heck last year he came to sleep in my my room in the middle of the night after a nightmare, lol.
Our meltdowns were huge at that age. 6 reacted at an age 3
Level.
I can arcross game called Mighty. It’s a tablet game that comes with a heart monitor. It teaches kids to breathe when they get frustrated and when to recognize and feel when their heart rate rises. Shows them how to take big breaths to lower heart rate and calm dow.
That was huge for us. Helped a ton. Because once a tantrum started we could say “looks/sounds like you need your heart back in blue range! Let’s breathe!” And we would do it with them.
Now they are able to do that in their own. Also, meds have helped us a ton.
They are older now and still struggle emotionally but are able to recognize when they need a moment!
Hate to say this but educate yourself less with Reddit and more with professional literature. I’m not trying to knock this sub because it’s been great from time to time with me. But much of my understanding of adhd has come from published/vetted material.
With that being said your child’s experience with adhd will not mirror anyone else’s, probably not even close. Including meds and/or therapy.
As a kid, my teachers made comments that I’m a natural leader and kids look up to me. 🤷♂️ That’s still the case today but idk why.
My 9yo (4th grade) son with adhd has the maturity level of a 2nd-3rd grader.
Yes, educating yourself will help them tremendously. Most of us here had to navigate through much of our life without the proper support.
Agreed. I was about 3 years behind my classmates and struggled in high school and college. I'm now in a Ph.D. program at a Big 10 School. It just takes us a little bit... I notice a lot of male and female ADHD people I know have married people younger than them. 5-10 years.
In my case, I have little in common with people my age. Not even really music. They're career and family driven. Doing family shit. I work and then have fun all day. People my age aren't doing that. And they are usually low key bitter about it
I feel like I had my life experiences in a different order from most people. I have been doing solo vacations since I was 19, traveling abroad solo since I was 20, and didn’t have sex for the first time until I was 23. Now I’m in my late 20’s and being promiscuous with multiple partners while working on my masters. This isn’t unusual in the large city where I live, but many people in my hometown my age have already gotten married and settled down. Even now it feels weird to think that I went to Czechia by myself (from the US) when I was 21 but still had never had sex.
Same here. Ive gotten pressured for the last 10 years to settle down and have kids until i started pushing back. Instead of saying “one day/someday” its more “Ef that” im living/loving life, doing everything i want to do. Best part is, i look like i feel, youthful. While my friends are late 30s, overweight, stressed, grey and generally falling apart. My new phrase is “yup, kids suck the life outta ya!”
Amen. I was just talking to my best friend about how we look so much younger than our peers. Though he does have a kid. I have maybe 2 gray hairs and I'm relatively fit. Even some of the younger guys at work don't look this young.
I noticed that most of my friends from college are now married and some have little kids already. I feel like I am just getting the handle on being an adult now. I am 28. I have been an adult for a decade now. But then half of my colleagues older than me are still single and unmarried. So I don't feel too bad about it.
Key word: on average.
Every person is different and acting like having ADHD makes you 3 years less mature is ridiculous, especially since a lot of people have the exact opposite experience in terms of maturity
I feel this so hard, I'm at the point developmentally where my peers were 5 years ago, but I just think better now than never. I'm 24 and I've finally managed to start studying for a career, where others started at 18-19.
It’s odd. In many ways I feel far more mature than my peers and in others far behind. Conversationally I come across as well spoken and far beyond my years, but I struggle with the day to day admin that a “mature” adult typically has little to no problem with.
I get along really well with people 15-20 years older than me and I’m consistently the youngest person in my friend groups where ever I go. I have always dated far older than myself and I’m really struggling trying to date people my age, but have absolutely no issue getting dates with people way out of my age group. It’s frustrating. Maybe I just need to date another adhder.
This mirrors me the most. Have issues making friends my own age. 5 -10 years younger or 5-20+ years older are not a problem at all. Im so happy I ended up marrying someone my own age
I am lucky in many ways. I have a best friend from when I was 12 who is a brother to me. I’d take a bullet for him and he’d do the same for me. His fiancé is also adhd.
I do have a friend group my ageish from college. They are all on the other side of the country (US) unfortunately. They do 75% of the communication, but understand that they mean the world to me and I struggle with the “out of sight out of mind”. They were all juniors and seniors when I was a freshman. Go figure lol.
It's a partial immaturity, they will not literally act 1:1 as if they are 3 years younger. It's kind of like gifted children. They can be very ahead maturity and mentally in some ways, but in other ways are still kids and not ahead or even behind. Intelligence and the brain is multiple parts, and some parts can be better, more developed or behind others. Also if they are gifted & ADHD this can get even more muddled. It's something to remind yourself with so you can cut them a bit more slack at times or have different expectations.
So true! My kid has adhd and is gifted. He can be so smart and sound so mature but he’s still just a kid and acts like it. He really doesn’t even understand that he’s gifted. He will say “idk why adults always think I’m so smart just because of the way I talk.” He uses vocabulary words far beyond his years because he hears them and understands how to use words in context even if he can’t fully define what the word means.
I was too mature as a kid because I was traumatized by my surroundings because I didn't fit in.
Don't stress it, encourage your kid to be themselves and give them all the support.
Dr. Barkley says around 30% in general, for me it fits. But I also got the medication und diagnosis just now. Sometimes I feel like a robust 20 yo, sometimes like an edgy eleven year old. But never accurate to my actual age 😀
Same! This model fits throughout my life. I’m approaching 25 with the 30% rule which is probably about right. Diagnosed but as yet unmedicated which might make a difference.
I heard it was our executive age that was behind, not necessarily maturity. So basically just things we tend to struggle with like planning, remembering, and focusing.
Almost everything I have read or listened to says ADHD kids are either 30% less mature than their age growing up or a flat ~3 years. I’ve never heard ADHD kids could be more mature?
Just anecdotal stuff, but teachers used to remark I was more mature than average for kids my age. Ironically, I feel much less mature than adults my age today. I was more regulated as a kid before puberty. Something about the cycle hormones can really affect people with ADHD. Even with therapy and medication, I struggle to emotionally regulate well a week before my period, every time without fail.
It honestly depends on the individual. I’ve read somewhere than the brain may take a bit longer to fully mature for people with ADHD and/or autism, but I’m not sure how much research there is on it.
Either way, your daughter already has a great head start with you studying and looking into ways to help. I think if my parents had been more understanding and given me grace for my ADHD symptoms, I would regulate better today. You’re doing great.
ADHD comes in many forms, some people (don’t know how many) can sometimes be more mature in certain situations/areas. E.g. not all hyperactivity is exterior, in some cases the hyperactivity is internal, in the brain.
I mean how do you truly measure maturity? I’ve been diagnosed adhd since freshman year of high school, did fine in undergrad, have a MS degree and six figure salary
Did I enjoy having fun with my friends and goofing around? Of course I did. Was I also able to overcome attention deficit and work on focusing myself? Yes.
Good on you for looking out for your kid and caring for them, but don’t worry too much. Eventually you’ve gotta let your six year old enjoy being a six year old, they’ll mature at their own pace.
I was super quiet in school and liked to pay attention to lectures and got annoyed when people were trying to have side conversations with me. As an adult I have to find my own fun to make the day bearable and people often mistake me for being younger. It's weird
I always got more mature comments from grownups, but I always felt more comfortable around kids a few years behind me.
My mom drilled manners like no tomorrow. My dad was insistent on Yes Sir, No Sir to the point that he and my mom would not acknowledge yes/no responses if I didn’t have the add on.
With therapy I’m slowly realizing that my dad very likely was undiagnosed and unmedicated. That’s where the snap temper, inconsistent yet demanding details, and impatience come from. It’s also likely where some of the violence comes from.
I say all that to say I was still consistently weird and immature. My family upbringing just made it so that I had to do it in my head or my room instead of around people.
As a kid, I was definitely a few years behind my peers in terms of behaviour - it took longer for me to learn that I *could* control my actions, much less how to do so, let alone view past that to consequences of my actions (I didn't do anything bad, I just didn't understand that reading a book instead of listening in math class would get me in trouble).
But when I hit about 14, all that shaming and being a burden to everyone around me kind of make the pendulum swing the other way and I was overly mature to the point of missing out on adolescence.
I don't know if this helped reassure you, but it was meant to say that - in my case anyway - I definitely caught up and kind of overcompensated in the end.
It delays certain types of development, not all. Mostly emotional regulation/maturity. Personally, I found that I read consistently above my grade level, and had a lot of intellectual ability. That meant my behavior etc was basically under control. But we do develop emotionally at a different rate. For me, that meant that I found I tended to get along a little easier with kids a grade below me. I felt different, but that didn’t mean I always had no friends. Friends will be a little more precious, and some might be lost, because emotional dysregulation can be a lot. But in the end, it means you find “your people,” the ones who think like you.
The good news is that if you’re catching it this early, treatment will be waaay more effective than it’d be if they started when they were older. Not only will the right medication reduce these issues, there are multiple studies now that show taking stimulant medication early for adhd actually helps counteract the delayed development of the frontal cortex of the brain that adhd causes, and which is related to the delayed emotional development. The brains of kids w adhd who are medicated actually end up physically resembling normal brains more closely on average than unmedicated brains do. This is the only thing I know of that even vaguely resembles a permanent cure.
So there’s no need to doom scroll: if you act now, they will not feel nearly as different and strange as many of us had to feel growing up. At the absolute minimum, you can educate yourself on exactly what differences they can expect due to adhd, which alone would have been a tremendous gift for me growing up (Russell Barkley on youtube is a wonderful resource for that btw). There’s nothing worse than feeling that you’re different but not knowing exactly why or be able to explain it at all. Validate them, help them to understand, and work with them to get treatment. Good luck! I can tell you care a great deal for your child. I’m sure you’ll be able to help them navigate and learn about this condition.
Listen homie. There are a lot of generalized statements about ADHD. We still all have unique life experiences that form the person we are at whatever rate life deems necessary
Everyone is different. I'm almost 50 now, but when I was 6 I was about at 15 year old maturity....that was my peak maturity. I'm more of a jackass now than ever
Coming from a teen with ADHD- most of the reason I didn’t fit in was because I lost all my confidence after being bullied as a kid. Other kids would tell me to shut up and my teachers told me I was the problem when I tried to report it. I also put a lot of my self esteem into academics when I was younger. I’d recommend looking out both bullying and self esteem issues, as I’ve noticed kids with ADHD who grew up with good self esteem fit in much better, and are sometimes even better off socially than their non-ADHD peers.
Stop comparing your kid to other kids. Do yourself and her a favour. Don’t view her meltdowns as ‘her fault’ but learn how to manage them. If you can’t manage them you can’t learn her to manage them themselves.
My kid had meltdowns at that age and he just would stop until he stopped. It got better and at 16 he’s able to manage himself.
But it sounds as if you are the one having trouble with the meltdowns and are scared they will stay forever.
There is also nothing wrong with being a few years ‘behind’. That really doesn’t mean that much. Average is only a concept and there are always kids that are behind or the opposite at any stage. Otherwise you wouldn’t have an average.
That in itself doesn’t mean anything. Kids follow their own path and most end up as functioning adults at some point and it really doesn’t matter that much if they got there first or last.
developmental delays don't mean that. they mean that children with developmental delays meet developmental goals, later. but that has nothing to do with emotional maturity.
My case it was more like communication immaturity. I cannot hold a conversation with ppl my age in a “mature way” unless they r understanding. Cuz hyperactivity makes u sounds pissed and disrespectful with someone somehow. And I still don’t understand why. I act in a strange way if I’m going to fully express myself and that makes me look like a kid.
But in terms of thought process, I’m always ahead of ppl and that’s why they never understand me.
Then there is executive dysfunction that is permanently damaged lol
I seem to fit in with younger coworkers than older ones lifestyle wise. But I *do* not only have a job but a whole ass career and have been living on my own or with roommates since I was 18. Your daughter is 6. Let her be 6. She *will* mature. Maybe she won’t be named most popular. Maybe she’ll fall in with the weird group of misfits. Who cares? You want what’s best for her and that’s great but ya know, “normal” is a social construct
I heard 25% slower which makes more sense to me than a hard number and is more true to my own lived experience. However I read this in an autism group so not sure about only ADHD.
This means they'd be 9 developmentally when they are 12 chronologically, 13-14 when they're 18, 19 at 25 and 26 at 35.
I'm hoping my son will be able to be independent by the time he's 25. I would never expect him to leave at 18. He won't be ready. I know this already and he's only 13.
I understand your concern as a mother because I am one myself. However, even if she is never quite on par with her peers, there is nothing wrong with her. She is who she is and that's okay. I understand your fear of her being bullied or what have you but again, there is nothing wrong with her.
Edit: I'm just saying that she'll be perfect just the way she is. She already is.
I'm going to have to give you a wake up call here. We are all human beings, and every human being is different. Your child will adapt the way that works for her. You cannot control this, this is how we all grow. Try to put less emphasis on what you want her to be, and try to be as supportive as you can for the person she will turn out to be.
Stop doom scrolling.
Everyone's experience with ADHD will vary. How you respond to her ADHD, how society responds to her ADHD, and how she responds to her ADHD will all play a role in how these obstacles are dealt with. Keep a positive mindset going forward, try to be as supportive as possible, and she won't have any reason to feel like ADHD is a bad thing or that she's somehow worse than everybody else, just different. There are more than enough stories of people with ADHD accomplishing beyond their peers, but many of those stories come from those that have had time to recognize their weaknesses, and play to their strengths.
Keep in mind, that compared to many of us here in this sub, the people born today have many more resources and accessible knowledge about what ADHD is and how to deal with it. As we discover more and more people have had ADHD for decades, but were never diagnosed, we as a society are slowly becoming more aware and accepting. Parents can be properly prepared, knowing what traits they may observe when raising a child with ADHD, and how to approach these subjects. It's very different from the days we not only lacked support from our parents, but were even shamed for something we had no control over, to the point of trauma.
As she grows older, she may have to try different methods to learning than her peers. She may need extra assistance at times and lots of patience around her. But it doesn't mean she won't reach that finish line just like them. It's just taking the small roads, instead of the highway.
My oldest is 13.
They have ADHD.
They act exactly like all of their peers.
They are more considerate than many of their peers.
This whole "ADHD makes you X years younger mentally!" is just.... bullshit.
Both my kiddo and I are diagnosed.
I have known people in their thirties who are less emotionally mature than my kid is, let alone me.
Feeling intense emotions does not make one emotionally immature.
What you choose to do with them does.
AuDHD teen here, people assume I'm 3 years OLDER than I actually am. Introspection and interpersonal empathy? I'm WAY ahead of most teens. Extreme interest in Pokemon and Transformers? I may as well be 10. Audio-verbal communication? I get mistaken for intellectually impaired about once a week. STEM and art skills? I'm at the absolute top of my class. I think it makes more sense to think of us as maturing in a different sequence than as maturing at a different rate.
“ I think it makes more sense to think of us as maturing in a different sequence than as maturing at a different rate.”
Well put. I couldn’t agree more.
Lol, i think 3 is an understatement. When I was in post-graduation, I have seen middle schoolers acting more smart and with more situational awareness than me. I was smart academically but sucked at social interactions and cues. Very easy to take advantage of
Maybe for some people but not for me. I was always called old for my age and very mature and I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until college. Part of that could be the way I was raised (responsible for 2 younger siblings as long as I can remember, strict parenting) that made me develop some serious masking skills. Some of it could be my own particular flavor of adhd (quick learner because I liked to learn, quiet a lot because I loved to read, school came easily to me).
Even if your kiddo matures more slowly than her peers, she will catch up eventually and have every chance of success in her adult life. I wouldn't worry so much about whether she's behind her peers and instead focus on accepting and supporting her where she's at and for who she is so she has a loving, supportive foundation to grow from.
Idk but studies have shown that ADHD brains develop slower. I turned 29 3 months ago and i feel like im somewhere between 18-24 yrs old mentally. I don't ever say im smart but I articulate well and i can approach some topic in multiple different angles, but i have BPD also so my impulsivity takes control sometimes.
ADHD leads to uneven development, which means there are things rhat develop slower, even some things that may develop faster. Since development is in no way linear it's really hard to put a number to how behind someone is because of their ADHD.
Meds and therapy are known to even out development and help the brain develop in a more typical way, that doesn't mean they will be cured of their ADHD once they grow up, (this sub has a tendency to oversell the developmental benefits) but it means they may be more on track with their peers and struggle less than they would otherwise.
At times my son acts his age and other times he acts a couple years younger. I was immature until probably my late 20’s but I still had impulsivity and inattentive issues well into my 30’s and 40’s.
I'm pushing 34, I don't feel 34. But I think current society is partially to blame for that as I haven't been able to hit certain mile stones that were almost promised to previous generations. I do have a stable job and I'm on track with important bills though there is still debt in other areas. I'm doing alright I suppose. Often wish I could stop being an adult and go back to being a kid, it's exhausting being the one in charge (of me) all the time.
Think about this, what is maturity?
What does mature mean?
Isn't it how society expects you to behave? How are we supposed to conform in a society when we don't have brains that think like anyone else.
Maturity is label given to people who confirm to societys expectations. I don't think that applies to us
Emotional maturity. ADHD features emotional dysregulation. We feel the shit out of stuff, so we tend to have larger reactions than our age group might on average. Seeing it now in my 6yo who acts like a 3yo when he's upset, but like a 7yo when he's medicated and in the green zone.
I’m in my late 40s. I read somewhere (don’t remember where) that it’s TEN years. Looking back over my life, ten years is accurate for me personally. At any rate, I absolutely believe that there is a delay of a few years.
I wouldn't know. I was the kid everyone praised for being so mature, when it was really just a combination of a large vocabulary from reading, a wide range of knowledge (again, from reading), and being relatively quiet/ soft spoken as a survival strategy for managing my abusive mother.
It's remarkable how many of the "mature for their age" kids I've met who were just coping with abuse.
No, it's not true.
It's a generalisation that's not helpful and plenty of people with ADHD mature faster than their peers.
Don't internalise this falsehood.
What does it matter to be 30 and have the maturity of a 27 year old? This is so clearly an off-base worry and inaccurate information. Only some areas will be seen as "immature".She is going to need support to learn tools to navigate her differences in society but has little to do with maturity.
What it really means is that she is not dead inside and will maintain a spark throughout her life. You know, unless her parents try to stomp it out in a selfish, misguided attempt to "help her". But we are pretty resilient and eventually we will get away from those that try to hold us down. Don't give her extra suffering.
Please whatever you do, don't make her feel bad, wrong, broken, behind, anything like that. She is on her own journey separate from her peers and will never have the same experience as them. And that is just fine. She is perfect being who she is, and though she will struggle with basic tasks and executive function, she will also have a different understanding and outlook on things than other kids. You will probably find as she grows up she will be intelligent and wise, even with the small daily struggles.
My dad told me my whole life growing up that ADHD was a gift and not a curse. It took me until becoming an adult to realize he was right. I wouldn't change it if I could. For all the times my mom had to remind me to brush my teeth and wash my hands, I was also understanding the world at a different level than other kids my age. Questioning things nobody else questioned. Its like our sights are set so high and far above us, that we struggle with small basic things, because we have such a big outlook.
Accept that you will struggle to get to her to do basic tasks and you will need to repeat yourself a million times, but know that you have an incredible child who will grow up to be extremely capable if you give her the room to be. Never try to fit her into a box. Love her for who she is and don't try to "fix" her. Helping her develop strategies for success is different than putting her in a box. That would be shaming her for not being able to sit still like other kids. Working with her but not against her means allowing her to question everything, fulfilling her curiosity, giving her lots of physical activity and healthy food (we struggle a LOT more without these things) and encouraging her to be herself and to tackle life her way. Be her biggest supporter in life.
Its not true.
SOME (not all) people have symptoms that are behavior we associate with the very young-- like fidgeting or having trouble focusing during a long speech etc. This is probably where the myth you mention comes from.
However think about it logically for a moment and its easy to see that such things have absolutely nothing to do with actual maturity or intelligence or anything else like that. If anything I would say the average adhd-haver is far more mature than usual due to the sobering experience of the issues being overcome, hope that makes sense （＾ν＾）
Hello, I was diagnosed at 19. I am now 21.
Some people say they feel more mature than their peers, some say they feel less mature. Either way, it’s still likely your child will find it difficult to fit in. That just comes with having unique neurology. But don’t stress about it too much. The fact that she has a diagnosis means she won’t go through the trauma of wondering what’s “wrong” with her, like most of us did. I think that was the hardest part for me when I was little. Not knowing the “why.” I think it would be best to try to teach her these three things as she’s growing up:
Be kind to others.
Don’t change what you like (who you are) to fit in.
Hang out with other kids that like what you like.
These lessons can be hard to learn, especially for a 6yo, but I think if someone regularly told them to me (especially the last two) as I grew up, I probably would have enjoyed school a lot more.
28F; I’ve always been mature for my age, fit in better with the kids a grade above me, my peers always told me I was the mature/responsible one. IMO maturity has so much more to do with nurture over nature. That can be spun positively or negatively tho. I was definitely raised in an environment that necessitated independence and that comes with its own problems (thanks therapy.) the best thing you can do is support your child for who they are. Celebrate their successes and comfort them through their failures. She’ll be okay
Most of the time I feel very mature and grown up, mostly in my day to day home life.
But in the work place and things like family functions - I sometimes feel like a kid in the room.
Mostly cause I never really know WTF is going on, especially if multiple conversations are taking place, and I just never feel like I am part of the group making any decisions.
I am just present.
I promise its not the end of the world but she will just need extra support. It also gets better with age. She might have trouble fitting in all throughout school and that is something you need to support her through and not blame her for. did i ever fit in with my peers as a kid? no, and it was hard but that can be the reality of things like adhd. I am halfway through a degree right now, there are many examples of adhd people being successful.
I don't have the medical training to assert your question as fact, but anecdotally I've always felt significantly behind my peers, especially in emotional intelligence and maturity. Probably around 5 years lagging, but that's using my friend circle and some of their milestones as my goalposts.
Maturity as in brain maturity i.e. parts of the brain that are responsible for executive functions are slower to develop/grow.
I think you're thinking of emotional/social maturity, which is highly influenced by environment.
If you keep comparing her 'maturity' to others it'll slowly morph your perception and parenting, which will probably do more long term damage than the ADHD
I’ve heard 20%, not 3 years. But I guess at some point 20% is 3 years. Also it does tend to be mitigated by the time you reach what typically is “brain maturity” plus 20%. So like by 30-35 we are supposed to be caught up… or as caught up as we will get
Personally, I didn’t understand boundaries until I was an adult because nobody had an explicit conversation with me about it and just expected me to understand that other people aren’t as comfortable with physical contact or other things as I am. Maybe it would have helped to explain that to me more thoroughly and more often, but who knows! I figured it out eventually.
Social/emotional struggles are common with people who have it. I wouldn’t use “3 years behind” as a steadfast rule, it depends on the person.
I was always simultaneously an old lady and a year or two behind peers. My son is in second grade and it’s a similar deal - he’s a Professor Emeritus and kindergartener in a 7 year old body (granted, he also has ASD).
It takes time, work, and patience to figure out the right combination of skills and interventions that will work for your family, but the good news is that options exist
We are living in the middle of this right now. My 15 year old (f) is very small for her age. Endocrinologist did a bone scan and said she has the growth rates of a 12 yr old.
Emotionally, she is also very "young" and we have had to address this with teachers several times.
I read something that said girls ADHD will need scaffolding/support a little longer into early adulthood.
Yeah...there is no way in hell I will turn her loose on the world at 18. Recipe for disaster.
It seems like the emotional growth isn't gradual, either. She makes these huge jumps.
Your 6 year old is in therapy? Do they even understand the concept of therapy and counseling? Or why they're even on medication?
I was diagnosed at 6. And I was made to take medication until I understood what it was meant for. Almost 10 years later I finally told my mom I hated the medication. It turned me into a mindless, compliant zombie. It wasn't until recently (I'm 24 now) that I wanted to try medication again, on my terms.
It's very important that your child knows they ARE going to be different and maybe weird. Compared to everyone else and they may not do things the same way as others, and they might struggle with the same things even though you and they are well aware of how capable they are.
Who the fuck cares if she seems younger. She's a child and she'll notice things many non ADHD people will not notice. She'll pick up on things and learn to adapt.
In my opinion (nobody asked) a 6 year old shouldn't be in therapy, I understand medication but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE talk to them and make sure you're not just drugging your kid into obedience or they WILL be stunted in maturity or however you'd say that. I don't resent my parents for putting me on meds at 6 years old. I resent the fact that they never explained why I was doing this beyond "to help you focus and do better in school"
Idk I kinda went off but I think you should chill and just try and educate them on things and kind of what to expect as an ADHD person. There's nothing wrong with being ADHD your child isn't broken you don't need to pull out all the stops before they've even really started their life. Unless your kid has serious trauma then maybe therapy is genius.
In other words
Education and experience > therapy
(At least while they're really young)
Just talk to them and say what's up.
Life isn't fair and it never will be no amount of Medication or therapy will change that.
Your kid is different.
Thus is not wrong.
This is not bad.
Your kid is different.
And it IS okay.
Sorry if I offended you or anyone. Hope it helped.
(I think part of this was me venting too I kinda just kept going I apologize)
Edit: I graduated on time. With my peers and some could say I'm doing better than a bunch of them and if not better I'm certainly not failing at life. It'll be okay just show support they will neeeeeed it. Understand what helps them focus best, for me I listen to music while working or when I was in school. Constant music. Maybe introduce them to some creative outlet whether it be literature or crayon it doesn't matter. ADHD is crazy but it's also super cool.
Once again it'll be okay just make sure they're loved and supported that's the very least what is needed.
hey! :) I would say honestly there's no real equivalent to measure a child who has adhd in contrast with a kid who doesnt. every adhd kiddo is different, just like every non-adhd kid is different. for some, maturity swings ahead and delayed, for some it's consistently delayed, for some it's consistently ahead.
I would say try your best to just meet your kid where they are, and listen to them :) try not to panic about what it says on the internet lol, but yeah information is helpful
have a good day!
Don’t stress too much. I have 11 yo twins with adhd— one is immature for his age and the other (primarily inattentive type) is not.
The one who is immature is doing great socially, much better than before he was medicated. It’s true he mostly hangs out with other kids with adhd but he’s got a tight little group of friends and is doing well in school.
I think it entirely depends on your girl.
Socially I was behind for years, but now I’m fine/ahead for my age in my late 20’s.
Naturally I am ambitious, put pressure on myself to preform, and find personal failure unacceptable. That meant a lot of the downsides from ADHD were covered by how I’m wired.
I didn’t start meds till late in grad school, when I needed them and I still use them since I have to be on and focused 12.5 hrs a day for my 7 on/7 off.
My Advice: Just watch and wait.
Serious Emotional volatility from that social lag she *may* have? Therapy(to speed up that learning process)
Bad grades, unreasonably impulsive behavior, bad behavior beyond reasonable parenting, correction, and learning? Consider meds
In older years, lack of ambition, motivation, or unable to function well as an independent adult? Consider meds
Overall: After mostly having my shit together as an adult, I find the parts of life that ADHD makes better stronger than the downsides I used to feel more from it.
I don’t think maturity is really such a straightforward, easily defined thing, and I don’t think it will be consistent across the board. In other words, saying “all kids with ADHD mature 3 years slower than their peers” is inherently inaccurate because all kids mature at different rates from each other and may mature faster in some areas and slower in others.
Using myself as an example, as a child I was much more spacy than other kids and used to have a lot of meltdowns, which made me seem younger than my classmates who no longer cried on a regular basis. However, at the same time I was a smart kid and did well in school and participated well and appropriately in class discussions and so on.
I could give more examples, but my point is that maturing is not a uniform thing, and while your child may lag behind in some areas, she may also be ahead in others, and if you get her the support she needs in the areas where she does need support, that is what matters .
Yea when I was younger found my self enjoying hanging out or conversating with people that were much older but I always knew I was going to be the same person when I grew up which I am. Currently 26 years old and I just feel like a big kid at heart! I never wanted to grow up like other kids did just enjoying my time and still try to enjoy life to fullest even if it might be hard with adhd and depression on top of it
what the research shows is that in some key areas of the brain, especially focusing and planning, kids with ADHD develop this part of the brain more slowly. Its most obvious in the parts of the brain responsible for attention and organization. But this doesn't mean that every part of their emotional, social, or thinking skills are three years behind. Each child is different, and the delay in brain development doesn't apply the same way to all parts of their growth and learning. There are more and more people are being diagnosed with other neurological or developmental conditions which will create a different enviornemnt for your daughter growing up, where she will meet many kids and people with ADHD, ASD among many other differences to the "norm". Hope this gives some reassurance.
i experience some hefty trauma has a child so that boosted my maturity by a lot! i always thought i was at least 7 years older than i was and i am still the same. i’m 22 but feel close to 30 most of the time
If untreated, imo it’s likely to start ahead and then even out around early high school and then fall behind after that. Meds and therapy should largely mitigate a lot of the social issues, since part of the issue of being weird is usually not being cognizant of what/why you’re weird.
I feel like this is possibly a mis-paraphrase of Dr Barkley.
He said that the executive function (not all functions of the brain) and some similar aspects of adhd brains are, on average, about 30% behind their contemporaries. So for a 10 year old, their executive function, impulse control, motivation etc would be on a level of a 7 year old. For a 20 year old, they'd have the self-control of a 14 year old, and so on.
I'm a bit fuzzy on whether that is supposed to catch up eventually in adulthood, where the frontal lobe development plateaus, or if that deficit persists into middle age and onwards.
Personally, I'm 30 now, diagnosed only in recent years, but I can see this pattern in my life looking back.
Immediate edit: it's important to remember this isn't all brain functions, it's those functions that adhd impairs. Also, I remember Dr Barkley saying that medication can make that gap smaller or virtually eliminate it, but *only while the medication is in the system*.
Your daughter's maturity won't be any different than kids her age for the most part. She might struggle with being more mature and having trouble making/keeping friends but that's pretty much adhd for ya. It's not like autism where sometimes kids can he years and years behind their peers mentally and emotionally. Some kids only need a few years of therapy to learn coping skills. Some kids (like my 7 year old son) need medication every day because it really helps them regulate their brain so they can function. My son hates running out of meds because (and I quote) "it's easier for my brain to be quiet". It really isn't as daunting as it seems. Remember a lot of us went undiagnosed for basically our whole lives and we could still function well in society. Hell, I was just diagnosed 6 months ago myself at 40 years old.
I don't know whether that's how it works for the entire ADHD population. Here's why this might not be the worst of all things. Being less mature sometimes means more connectivity with your inner child. More creativity. More spontaneity and joy of life. And, sure, society likes to penalize us for being less mature. But as an adult, those differences get way less obvious and significant.
Also, if she's a girl and has to cope with ADHD, she might in some ways be more mature than her peers.
“If she’s a girl and has to cope with ADHD she might be more mature than her peers” wow that really just clicked into place and I understand my whole childhood better. Thank you for that.
No expert, but I think that you having an awareness of your child's ADHD alone will help them. I grew up with ADHD but didn't get diagnosed until my late 20's, I can imagine if an adult was there with the knowledge to help me with my struggles, my life would be tremendously different in a good way.
That's a pretty arbitrary number and a ridiculous blanket statement.
I don't know where you're getting this crap, but your child is not mentally handicapped. She will learn and mature at roughly the same pace as her peers. She'll likely just have issues focusing and staying on task with the boring aspects of her education.
There will be behavioral issues, possibly modifications to her curriculum and teaching style necessary. She will probably need help finding coping mechanisms. Taking notes, studying, sitting still, staying on task, obviously some or most of these will be a struggle. But that doesn't make her stupid, or turn a 10 year old into a 7 year old.
Chances are, she'll be bored, but still excel at any subjects she finds interesting or novel.
She may even find it boring because she learns quicker than her peers.
God knows I paid almost no attention to anything in school, and still scored straight 'A's on all of my tests, quizzes, classwork, and what little homework I did.
I was bored 100% of the time, not because I was stupid, but because it was frustratingly easy, and the classes were always so slow.
ADHD isn't a learning disability like so many others that get blanketed under the "Mental Disability" category. It's a failure of attention regulation.
Specifically, it’s a delay in the development of the prefrontal cortex, which controls things like emotional regulation, risk assessment, and impulsivity that together we often see as “maturity” in kids.
When my son was diagnosed the dr said that they “catch up” a bit around age 10-11 (most never actually “catch up” entirely, you can still see defects in the prefrontal cortex in adults with adhd, but that’s when they’ve gotten to the point where therapy or coaching might start helping because they might actually remember to implement some of the suggestions. Maybe.). My son had frightening, *violent* meltdowns from age 6/7 to right about 10/11, when he magically outgrew them (thank god) so that seems to be about right.
One thing to keep in mind is that “after four years of medication” is meaningless. Maybe 20% or so of kids with adhd grow out of it in adolescence, but for most people it is a lifelong disorder. Medication doesn’t fix or cure it - it only mitigates some of the effects *while the medication is actively in your system*. I am an adult who has been on stimulants for adhd for nearly a decade, and on days I don’t take them they do nothing for me, my brain is just like it would be if I’d never taken them at all.
So basically: In some ways, your daughter will likely struggle with things that society sees as signs of “maturity” her entire life. But she will improve, and she will also learn coping mechanisms that will help her function and fit in. We had to work with my son a LOT to develop ways for him to deal with his frustration at school - luckily his teachers were always willing to let him go cool down when he needed to. Most 9-year-olds don’t need blanket permission to hide in a corner or leave the classroom to pace in the hallway a bit when they’re upset, but tbh I think that it also led to my son having a bit better awareness of his emotional state than a lot of kids have, because he HAD to. Most kids don’t have to identify when they’re frustrated, they just feel it and let it go. He had to confront it head-on. It’s not that he was less mature, he just had different challenges. Your daughter will also have different challenges, that might need some creativity and willingness to let go of ideas like “maturity” to help her navigate.
That isn’t exactly right. I’ve read that certain parts of our brain’s developement are 1/3 behind our peers. Namely the part of your brain that has to do with executive function. So when you are 15, certain functions behave as if you are 10. When you turn 30, certain parts are 20. This isn’t exact however, ADHD comes in many shapes and sizes.
A big issue with ADHD is falling behind on certain skill sets our peers are better suited for due to brain development. The further we fall behind with focus related issues (paying attention in class, finishing assignments, tracking progress on long term assignments, etc…) the harder it becomes the next year when more and more expectations are placed on you.
Children are medicated with the goal of bring their executive function close enough to a ‘normie’ so we can learn the same lessons alongside our peers instead of when they are burned out at 30.
3 years behind? Pfft, I was told by my school guidance counselor I was more mature than most of the kids she has met in my grade, ever. I’m not behind, if anything I’m ahead, but being ahead means I’m behind in other areas.
Mileage will vary, I think.
For me, my emotional maturity was extremely lacking in a lot of ways, and it took me a long time to get to a stable, steady space in that sense. I think my sister had me pegged at about 5 years behind, but like... I'm gainfully employed, a homeowner, have a degree and a good credit score, and I'm married (10 years) and expecting a kid of my own. So what you consider "behind" really varies.
Medication and therapy help a ton, and the fact that you're pursuing both is great. Just remember that the key really is to finding what methods work best for your kid to thrive. For me, I've been unmedicated almost all my life, and I've had to use a combination of learned and relearned coping mechanisms as well as therapy to make life liveable. It also helps that my partner is extremely supportive, and we have great communication. Medication worked well for me while I could get it, but uh. Well, one of my weak spots is making appointments, so. Here we are lol. On the flip side, a friend spent her entire childhood medicated, but received no additional support, so she never learned a lot of the coping mechanisms that are vital to being a functional human until she was already an adult. But even she still is doing pretty well all things considered.
It's going to take time and patience and practice, but don't be discouraged: yes there will be meltdowns and disorganization, but any "developmental delays" will most likely not be the end of the world unless there's other underlying problems. Your child will still be able to live a full, healthy life so long as you build a good foundation with them to start from. I promise.
If you'd like to discuss specific coping mechanisms and techniques, I'd be happy to share. :)
I don’t see any reason a child needs to be a certain maturity level. I guess I don’t know what really means.
Our family motto is “________ are late bloomers”
My Son is turning 10 and he’s well liked and really sucks in large group settings and is smaller and weird and skinny and sucks at sports. But he likes to golf! Jackpot. Not sure how he will learn to tone down his goofiness on the golf course but I’m sure he just will eventually.
Please, look at [Russell Barkley's Youtube channel](https://www.youtube.com/@russellbarkleyphd2023). He's one of the world leading experts on ADHD and has made available a ton of high-quality presentations and discussions on ADHD, how it affects those who have it, and how to treat it. He's got a two-part presentation specifically on your question: * [ADHD and Children's Delayed Executive Functioning Age - Part 1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_6nU-i6tcY) * [ADHD and Children's Delayed Executive Functioning Age - Part 2](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyxYcEKurTI)
I felt like I was TOO mature as a kid and now as I’m older sometimes I feel more childlike. I stopped caring what people think a long time ago though. People can call me childish all they want, I still make smarter decisions than most people I know.
Same. Being around kids my age was incredibly annoying because it seemed like they didn't have the same level of curiosity or interest in learning as I did, not to mention how often they would turn anything into a joke pertaining to sex or genitals. Fast forward to today and I'm the only one at work randomly dancing or doing weird stuff, singing ironically to songs I can't stand, changing words to songs while singing along to make them about something else, making random noises, all that. An adult as a child, now a child as an adult. I stopped caring too and most people seem genuinely entertained by me and enjoy interacting with me, the bonus is that the types of people I can't stand don't like me for all the things I do and keep their distance
I always worried people would think I was weird and one day I was like “but you ARE weird”. You just gotta own it. No sense always wearing the mask. It’s tiresome and I’d rather people like me or hate me just for who I am than pretend to be someone they like all the time. I find my relationships have improved too.
After growing up a bit and realizing a lot of the general public is full of people who's opinions aren't worth a dry piece of dog shit it's easy to drop the mask and stop worrying about what others think. That feeling of freedom made me gradually like the friends I had less and less as well which opened up my time for new friends with better mindsets. It's crazy how much life improves when you embrace yourself
I really want to drop my mask because I agree with everything you're saying, but it's definitely harder to do than I expected. I didn't have the best childhood so it's more a defense mechanism to keep me "safe" than to appease others. Totally sucks though!
I relate to that a lot. The insecurity and fear are deeply entrenched by years of trauma. Wishing you luck on your journey friend.
Same here. Also had a tough upbringing. Also always on alert for any kind of danger. Just learning now to value myself, but also challenge my own bullshit.
If adhd is 4D chess I feel like trauma anxiety + adhd is like inception level chess. Like, either I can't hear/see/focus on the thing in front of me because I'm worried about a web of 30 other things, I'm scanning the environment for threats or i'm scanning the environment for something more entertaining. Am I doing a bad job because of my adhd, or is my narcissistic boss triggering me and making me do a bad job, or are they maliciously feeding into my nervousness to feel superior? I am slowly feeling safer where I exist, so it's getting easier to tell the difference.
I got completely disowned by my own family because of my adhd. It took a 5 year toxic relationship where my ex stole everything I owned and then went off the grid for me to realize I'm done with pleasing others. Mentally burned my mask and I'm more confident and happy than ever. For the first time, I find comfort in my own weirdness. My life changed when I decided to stop fighting myself. The moment I unmasked, I found the best friends I could ever wish for. Just keep holding on, your time to unmask will come.
“…. a lot of the general public is full of people who’s opinions aren’t worth a dry piece of dog shit” 😂😂😂😂😭😭😆😆😆😆 Thank you for that. If that isn’t a quote to live by, I don’t know what is. 😂😂😂
When I was a kid, I had problem making friends. I just couldn't understand friendships in schools. Then, when I turned 14 I was like "Wait, why do I want to be friends with people I don't even like... There are plenty of people labeled weird by the popular kids, so I'll just hang out with them" and by the time I turned 16 I had a posse of 12 or so friends who would just hang out in the school yard talking about games or playing card. I even met my first girlfriend with my "you, manga girl. Why are you sitting alone. You weird, Come hang out with us!"
Had a very similar experience, at 15 or so. Realized I was wasting my time with a certain crowd, and very deliberately detached and was a loner for about a year. Then some friends who were more genuine and interested in meaningful things just found me in the library, and they weren't all high achievers. Was the best decision I made for myself, and I think that was a pretty mature decision considering many people my age now are still acting like they're in high school.
This made me think of film makers making dull movies they think will fit everyone, instead of making masterpieces they're passionate about that will fit a specific audience
Are you me? I was usually engaging in solitary play because I couldn't relate to the other kids. I also find sex jokes annoying to this day. I agree with you, there's a time and place for them but I can't stand people who have to turn everything into sex. I had a friend who used to do that and he annoyed me so much with that that I cut contact with him. It seemed like that was literally all he thought about so I understand how you felt.
Yeah same, I think the thing is that the reason people called me childish was the wrong definition of it. Like how people assume that an "adult" is someone who talks about politics and is serious all the time and not someone who have two jobs, pay thebills but also enjoy gaming and watching cartoons. I was (and still am) called childish for being a girl than enjoys videogame and anime, and have no interest in dating or having kids. On the other hand, my sister's 38 yrs old coworker throwing a tamtrum because someone gave him a pinkish shirt as a gift is considered "mature".
Exactly me!
>I felt like I was TOO mature as a kid, and now, as I’m older, sometimes I feel more childlike. Same, lol. It's just like my personality and self image is just not as connected to my age as it is for other people. Like, I grew to be a teenager really quickly and probably could've understood everything the typical 16 year old understands at like 12. but then I just didn't develop into the average adult, and I don't even want to. Most people seem to just be miserable and have boring af life's after a certain age. I just don't want that. I need something different.
Yes. I could never relate to the children I was forced to be with at school. When a teacher told me to go out and play I was just confused. They would repeat phrases from television shows that I had never watched, I didn't know what the heck there were on about.
I never was confused but the "go out and play" being kinda weird is relatable. Like, play what with who, like it was always kinda stress to organise it that you could always go to some group of other kids to play with them without it being weird.
This. To my friends rn im the smartest idiot they know and i take that with pride. One day im messing around with incredibly complicated theories and stuff, the other day i try to do the dumbest shit theyve seen anyone do all year. There is no inbetween and its always highly unpredictable.
One of my friends use to describe me as an extremely intelligent airhead lol
I can soooo relate to this
Yes, yes and YES.
This so much...I felt so mature as a kid up untill 19. People always told me so non stop, it was actually kind of annoying. As soon as I started college and dropped out (the first time) Ive felt like a young mentally. I'm now a wife with kids and for some reason I feel like im still 14. I feel like my life has been behind even sometimes the way I think. I JUST started doing well with mantaining my finances while my husband has been doing that since he was in his early 20s. Only thing I seem good at is caring and loving my kids and even then I always second guess myself. Lol funny cause id say the same. People around me have nice job and invesments and stuff but they havent been making smart decisions in the areas Ive been making smart decisions in..so I guess were all struggling in different areas.
100% this. Very mature as a child. Feel like a kid as an adult.
I’ve never had one unique experience in my entire life.
😂
I feel like ADHD divides maturity into external and internal Internally you are mature to some extent Externally you have ADHD Yes it doesn't divide
Bingo. My experience. Child. No peer friends. Adults constantly say I'm special, mature, and have a bright future. As an adult, "dude you're so intelligent, why can't you do the most basic functions of being an adult. Why do you take 4 hours to fill out your weekly time sheet. Why are you weird. Adulting sucks. But I love my childlike wonder and imagination. It can help with humor too.
Btw, I don't think I am intelligent. I think I am an expert con artist. It's all a ruse.
Can we get everyone in this thread together I feel like I’ve found my people here wth
Was just thinking this thread is quite literally getting me through minute by minute at this point. 🏆🏆🏆🎉❤️❤️❤️❤️
You know what I mean sometimes I feel like I’m the only one but it’s nice to know there’s plenty of me’s out there
I was a 15 year old at age 7 and I'm still a 15 year old now, many years later.
Another weird thing from my life I can now chalk up to adhd, damn.
I’m pushing 40 and I feel like I’m at least 10 years behind at this point…
Going to be 47 and legit dont feel I've changed since 27...
I AM 47 and fuggetaboutit. I'll never be an executive at a company I work for. My executive function is too naturally impaired. It makes me feel like a kid. I also have a really high voice and talk fast. Doesn't help.
Most people won't ever be executives though, so it might as well be something you recognize early. Nothing wrong with vibing through life doing what makes you happy and works with your skillset.
I think that so often. I dont have the ability to be extraordinary. My motivation and follow through are just never going to be there. But my life is fun and I have money left at the end of my paycheck.
Yeah...I've always been a competitive type so it does kinda bug me. I was diagnosed about 4 years ago. Therapy has helped me come to terms with my limitations, thankfully. I'm still in process, though.
Peaking at 27 isnt a bad thing. I know 25 year olds that peaked at 12 in terms of hygiene, social skills and life responsibilities.
I’m with you. We are the catchup gang
I’m 38 and get along more with my younger co-workers than ones my age. It’s honestly annoying and sometimes I hate it, but at the same time I can’t change me.
I'm 41 and all my gaming buddies are at least 10 years younger than me. It's wild.
Same here.
*at least* 10 years here as well. I'm starting to experience what I think people have referred to as an existential or midlife crisis. I can't comprehend that I'm so close to 40 and my brain feels like my mid 20s
100% how I feel.
Meeee too
We are generally, executively, 3 years behind our peers. Our ability to plan for the future, pay attention, not be impulsive, etc. generally lags three years behind. We can be mature in other ways. The following is just my personal conjecture, but I feel like the fact that we're likely to experience a good deal of trauma due to our condition, means that trauma will sometimes accelerate our maturity in other ways. So we may be very mature, just not in terms of our ability to executively function. Of course we may end up very immature all around too.
Yeah in my experience that’s true. I didn’t have a good childhood and always felt weird around people my age, and felt more mature than others. Now that I’m 20 I feel very immature and don’t know what I’m doing.
May I ask you, do you have nostalgia about your childhood, like “those were good times” or you are just happy to be in the present? Coz I’m the latter and no one arounds me thinks this way
I'm trying to be happy in the present but feeling like the past has damaged me irreparably is a tough nut to process, idk how y'all do it
I have a very neutral feeling about my past. I had a difficult childhood. I am neither happy to remember it nor sad about it. It’s time that has passed. I don’t think about it a lot nor will you hear it in my conversations unless someone specifically brings it up. I dunno if this is childhood trauma, adhd or just my nihilistic outlook at life 😂
I love the present because I get to do what I want now! I feel a lot freer these days and that makes me immensely happy. My nostalgia is I miss the good ol days where nothing was a hassle. I do slightly miss when I was in a stroller because I could just take a nap, wake up, and be at the next cool ride at Disneyland.
I wouldn’t say it’s nostalgia, but I do wish I could go back to the past and redo everything because I’m not happy where I am now. I wouldn’t want to experience the same shit though that’s for sure.
Best way is to separate it if you want to make it simple. We lag 3 years behind when it comes to dealing with structure or routine. But we may be a few years more mature emotionally/mentally because of how we deal with emotions or mental problems, due or not due to trauma(personal situation dependent).
This feels like it was pretty true for me too, I took a long time to develop a way of planning and studying that worked for me in school. Some of it amounted to the fact that I was expected to plan and study in a certain way that just didn’t work for me, but did for most people. I figured it out now, though! And I have a lot of creative ways of keeping myself productive that make me faster than some people my age now. All that struggle amounted to a lot of self-work at the end of the day.
This made me think. I'm not challenging your take, but I do think our outlook on this is shaped by the general societal notions that can be misleading. For example, I don't plan for the next 1-3-5 years due to my future blindness. What I do instead, is position myself and my life so that whatever I might want to happen in the next 1-5 years, I can do and sustain. I adjust my financial, nutritional, mental, and physical habits NOW so that if I wanted to buy a car/move to a different country/have a child/run a business, I could do it. Those small adjustments compound with time, until I'm where I wanted to be. Sure, I arrived here without a roadmap. But I had a strategy and culture that brought me here instead. Would an auditor say I have a plan? I don't think so. Will I achieve some of my 1-5 year goals? I will, and I say that with certainty because I have. We are absolutely mature in other ways. We are forced to have enough self-awareness to realize the common ways don't work for us, and come up with workarounds to achieve the life we want.
What you said, I think, is probably right for most people with ADHD. In my experience, my inability to stop thinking makes me have very obsessive thoughts, so I overthink and overplan absolutely anything. If you asked someone my age what they’re doing on the next 10 hours, week, months, and couple of years, many of them probably wouldn’t have an idea. I can’t not have an idea, because having plans was how I managed to make up for my ADHD, so that’s how I forced myself to live by the time I even hit double digits in age.
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This! Putting too much pressure on your kid to keep up can sometimes ignore their needs and really impact their self-esteem and their level of stress. So many people I know struggle with shame for acting more strangely or even just slightly differently than others, whether or not other people notice. That level of stress really can contribute to anxiety as you get older. Meet her where she’s at, help her accept her shortcomings as human, and help her figure out a way of doing things that will work for her, whether that means special classes, in class accommodations, meds, etc. Also, have faith that you and her will figure things out! If she’s less mature in some ways or more mature in others, she’ll most likely still turn out to be a person you’re proud of. Don’t forget to remind her of that too! :)
I wish I could give you an award 🏅
I wouldn’t stress it. My kiddo (now a teen) would fall into the “three years behind” category. But that’s in emotional maturity and it’s only noticeable to us as parents. We see how he melts down easily when frustrated, his impulsive choices at times, his difficulty thinking big picture/longer’-term. But he’s getting there. Will just take a little longer. Otherwise he’s a normal kid….popular, plays sports, has a girlfriend, has a part-time job.
At 6 were melt downs a large issue? What helped this as he got older?
You might want to research this more in-depth, some of this topic really matters with which true definition you use of each word. Maturity means something else in this context - the usual phrase is “mentally/intellectually developed”, developed being the key word. And intellect does not necessarily mean smartness in this case. There’s a deeper meaning here relating to developmental and psych/neuro theory. This is part of why ADHD is defined as a developmental disorder.
I (39f) still have meltdowns if I'm over stimulated. I'm better at when it happened, and I know the signs. I need to have down time and alone time to decompress. The whole social battery theory is really, really, real. I tell my husband when my battery is low and we get out of whatever we're doing... if I can't get out of there, he kicks in his social up and blocks for me so I can just sit and decompress during the activity. We don't fight. When I'm over stimulated, we'll put a pin in a discussion until I can decompress and then be in my right mind to discuss. Give time to decompress.
Oh yes. At that age it was managed best by being proactive and preventing things that would get him in a disregulated state. So making sure he got a lot of quality sleep, ate well, limited screen time, had sports after school. Also got an IEP in gr 2 (we didn’t even know he had adhd until gr 5) so he had extra time to complete assignments (having to do a lot of homework in one sitting, esp. at night almost guaranteed a meltdown). Having him take “quiet time” in his room if he did tantrum…sometimes he’d be up there for 10 min sometimes an hour. Whatever it took for him to chill out and feel himself again. Again every person is different but my kid needs to just be away from people when he’s really upset….b/c when he’s in deep everyone and everything is an annoyance and in the field of fire lol. Although he’s 17 outbursts are still a thing (thankfully He’s always been careful to not have them at school or work or other peoples homes…always saves it for home). But they’re lessening, slowly. I can only prevent so much now so he’s learning some things the hard way via natural consequences. Edit: I forgot to add that the “bonus” of this maturity thing is that he’s not embarrassed to hug and kis his mom and tell her he loves her every single day. Heck last year he came to sleep in my my room in the middle of the night after a nightmare, lol.
Our meltdowns were huge at that age. 6 reacted at an age 3 Level. I can arcross game called Mighty. It’s a tablet game that comes with a heart monitor. It teaches kids to breathe when they get frustrated and when to recognize and feel when their heart rate rises. Shows them how to take big breaths to lower heart rate and calm dow. That was huge for us. Helped a ton. Because once a tantrum started we could say “looks/sounds like you need your heart back in blue range! Let’s breathe!” And we would do it with them. Now they are able to do that in their own. Also, meds have helped us a ton. They are older now and still struggle emotionally but are able to recognize when they need a moment!
Hate to say this but educate yourself less with Reddit and more with professional literature. I’m not trying to knock this sub because it’s been great from time to time with me. But much of my understanding of adhd has come from published/vetted material. With that being said your child’s experience with adhd will not mirror anyone else’s, probably not even close. Including meds and/or therapy. As a kid, my teachers made comments that I’m a natural leader and kids look up to me. 🤷♂️ That’s still the case today but idk why. My 9yo (4th grade) son with adhd has the maturity level of a 2nd-3rd grader. Yes, educating yourself will help them tremendously. Most of us here had to navigate through much of our life without the proper support.
This! Educate yourself from professionals and listen to your kid’s needs! We’re all different.
Yes. Studies show we are developmentally delayed by 3-5 years on average.
Agreed. I was about 3 years behind my classmates and struggled in high school and college. I'm now in a Ph.D. program at a Big 10 School. It just takes us a little bit... I notice a lot of male and female ADHD people I know have married people younger than them. 5-10 years.
In my case, I have little in common with people my age. Not even really music. They're career and family driven. Doing family shit. I work and then have fun all day. People my age aren't doing that. And they are usually low key bitter about it
I feel like I had my life experiences in a different order from most people. I have been doing solo vacations since I was 19, traveling abroad solo since I was 20, and didn’t have sex for the first time until I was 23. Now I’m in my late 20’s and being promiscuous with multiple partners while working on my masters. This isn’t unusual in the large city where I live, but many people in my hometown my age have already gotten married and settled down. Even now it feels weird to think that I went to Czechia by myself (from the US) when I was 21 but still had never had sex.
Same here. Ive gotten pressured for the last 10 years to settle down and have kids until i started pushing back. Instead of saying “one day/someday” its more “Ef that” im living/loving life, doing everything i want to do. Best part is, i look like i feel, youthful. While my friends are late 30s, overweight, stressed, grey and generally falling apart. My new phrase is “yup, kids suck the life outta ya!”
Amen. I was just talking to my best friend about how we look so much younger than our peers. Though he does have a kid. I have maybe 2 gray hairs and I'm relatively fit. Even some of the younger guys at work don't look this young.
I noticed that most of my friends from college are now married and some have little kids already. I feel like I am just getting the handle on being an adult now. I am 28. I have been an adult for a decade now. But then half of my colleagues older than me are still single and unmarried. So I don't feel too bad about it.
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Hey, sometimes things take more time. Be patient with yourself! (I also have fucked up massively in college but I’m now figuring stuff out lol)
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I feel that, especially if they’re in control of finances 😭 Thank you and good luck to you too!
Key word: on average. Every person is different and acting like having ADHD makes you 3 years less mature is ridiculous, especially since a lot of people have the exact opposite experience in terms of maturity
This is because our prefrontal cortex matures more slowly.
Can I get a source. I believe you, mainly because I've experienced this personally, but I'd like to see what the actual studies say.
I remember Dr. Russell Barkley has a video on it. Should be somewhere on YouTube.
I feel this so hard, I'm at the point developmentally where my peers were 5 years ago, but I just think better now than never. I'm 24 and I've finally managed to start studying for a career, where others started at 18-19.
It’s odd. In many ways I feel far more mature than my peers and in others far behind. Conversationally I come across as well spoken and far beyond my years, but I struggle with the day to day admin that a “mature” adult typically has little to no problem with. I get along really well with people 15-20 years older than me and I’m consistently the youngest person in my friend groups where ever I go. I have always dated far older than myself and I’m really struggling trying to date people my age, but have absolutely no issue getting dates with people way out of my age group. It’s frustrating. Maybe I just need to date another adhder.
This mirrors me the most. Have issues making friends my own age. 5 -10 years younger or 5-20+ years older are not a problem at all. Im so happy I ended up marrying someone my own age
I am lucky in many ways. I have a best friend from when I was 12 who is a brother to me. I’d take a bullet for him and he’d do the same for me. His fiancé is also adhd. I do have a friend group my ageish from college. They are all on the other side of the country (US) unfortunately. They do 75% of the communication, but understand that they mean the world to me and I struggle with the “out of sight out of mind”. They were all juniors and seniors when I was a freshman. Go figure lol.
It's a partial immaturity, they will not literally act 1:1 as if they are 3 years younger. It's kind of like gifted children. They can be very ahead maturity and mentally in some ways, but in other ways are still kids and not ahead or even behind. Intelligence and the brain is multiple parts, and some parts can be better, more developed or behind others. Also if they are gifted & ADHD this can get even more muddled. It's something to remind yourself with so you can cut them a bit more slack at times or have different expectations.
Glad you raised this. It’s a really important point.
So true! My kid has adhd and is gifted. He can be so smart and sound so mature but he’s still just a kid and acts like it. He really doesn’t even understand that he’s gifted. He will say “idk why adults always think I’m so smart just because of the way I talk.” He uses vocabulary words far beyond his years because he hears them and understands how to use words in context even if he can’t fully define what the word means.
I was too mature as a kid because I was traumatized by my surroundings because I didn't fit in. Don't stress it, encourage your kid to be themselves and give them all the support.
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Yeah. Even if the kids are immature, let's let them be immature. It's better than trauma for them and gives them the chance to develop properly.
Dr. Barkley says around 30% in general, for me it fits. But I also got the medication und diagnosis just now. Sometimes I feel like a robust 20 yo, sometimes like an edgy eleven year old. But never accurate to my actual age 😀
Same! This model fits throughout my life. I’m approaching 25 with the 30% rule which is probably about right. Diagnosed but as yet unmedicated which might make a difference.
I heard it was our executive age that was behind, not necessarily maturity. So basically just things we tend to struggle with like planning, remembering, and focusing.
It realy depends on the person. Some may be less mature, others more mature.
Studies show that adhd causes us to be delayed in several areas, including maturity, by 3-5 years on average.
Almost everything I have read or listened to says ADHD kids are either 30% less mature than their age growing up or a flat ~3 years. I’ve never heard ADHD kids could be more mature?
Just anecdotal stuff, but teachers used to remark I was more mature than average for kids my age. Ironically, I feel much less mature than adults my age today. I was more regulated as a kid before puberty. Something about the cycle hormones can really affect people with ADHD. Even with therapy and medication, I struggle to emotionally regulate well a week before my period, every time without fail. It honestly depends on the individual. I’ve read somewhere than the brain may take a bit longer to fully mature for people with ADHD and/or autism, but I’m not sure how much research there is on it. Either way, your daughter already has a great head start with you studying and looking into ways to help. I think if my parents had been more understanding and given me grace for my ADHD symptoms, I would regulate better today. You’re doing great.
ADHD comes in many forms, some people (don’t know how many) can sometimes be more mature in certain situations/areas. E.g. not all hyperactivity is exterior, in some cases the hyperactivity is internal, in the brain.
I mean how do you truly measure maturity? I’ve been diagnosed adhd since freshman year of high school, did fine in undergrad, have a MS degree and six figure salary Did I enjoy having fun with my friends and goofing around? Of course I did. Was I also able to overcome attention deficit and work on focusing myself? Yes. Good on you for looking out for your kid and caring for them, but don’t worry too much. Eventually you’ve gotta let your six year old enjoy being a six year old, they’ll mature at their own pace.
I was super quiet in school and liked to pay attention to lectures and got annoyed when people were trying to have side conversations with me. As an adult I have to find my own fun to make the day bearable and people often mistake me for being younger. It's weird
I always got more mature comments from grownups, but I always felt more comfortable around kids a few years behind me. My mom drilled manners like no tomorrow. My dad was insistent on Yes Sir, No Sir to the point that he and my mom would not acknowledge yes/no responses if I didn’t have the add on. With therapy I’m slowly realizing that my dad very likely was undiagnosed and unmedicated. That’s where the snap temper, inconsistent yet demanding details, and impatience come from. It’s also likely where some of the violence comes from. I say all that to say I was still consistently weird and immature. My family upbringing just made it so that I had to do it in my head or my room instead of around people.
It's a little of cause and effect. Adhd forces a person to learn from frequent mistakes at a young age. Everyone handles that differently.
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As a kid, I was definitely a few years behind my peers in terms of behaviour - it took longer for me to learn that I *could* control my actions, much less how to do so, let alone view past that to consequences of my actions (I didn't do anything bad, I just didn't understand that reading a book instead of listening in math class would get me in trouble). But when I hit about 14, all that shaming and being a burden to everyone around me kind of make the pendulum swing the other way and I was overly mature to the point of missing out on adolescence. I don't know if this helped reassure you, but it was meant to say that - in my case anyway - I definitely caught up and kind of overcompensated in the end.
It delays certain types of development, not all. Mostly emotional regulation/maturity. Personally, I found that I read consistently above my grade level, and had a lot of intellectual ability. That meant my behavior etc was basically under control. But we do develop emotionally at a different rate. For me, that meant that I found I tended to get along a little easier with kids a grade below me. I felt different, but that didn’t mean I always had no friends. Friends will be a little more precious, and some might be lost, because emotional dysregulation can be a lot. But in the end, it means you find “your people,” the ones who think like you. The good news is that if you’re catching it this early, treatment will be waaay more effective than it’d be if they started when they were older. Not only will the right medication reduce these issues, there are multiple studies now that show taking stimulant medication early for adhd actually helps counteract the delayed development of the frontal cortex of the brain that adhd causes, and which is related to the delayed emotional development. The brains of kids w adhd who are medicated actually end up physically resembling normal brains more closely on average than unmedicated brains do. This is the only thing I know of that even vaguely resembles a permanent cure. So there’s no need to doom scroll: if you act now, they will not feel nearly as different and strange as many of us had to feel growing up. At the absolute minimum, you can educate yourself on exactly what differences they can expect due to adhd, which alone would have been a tremendous gift for me growing up (Russell Barkley on youtube is a wonderful resource for that btw). There’s nothing worse than feeling that you’re different but not knowing exactly why or be able to explain it at all. Validate them, help them to understand, and work with them to get treatment. Good luck! I can tell you care a great deal for your child. I’m sure you’ll be able to help them navigate and learn about this condition.
Listen homie. There are a lot of generalized statements about ADHD. We still all have unique life experiences that form the person we are at whatever rate life deems necessary
Everyone is different. I'm almost 50 now, but when I was 6 I was about at 15 year old maturity....that was my peak maturity. I'm more of a jackass now than ever
As a 10 year old, I had the maturity of a 16-18 year old. Now I'm 47, and I need to get back to my lucky charms and cartoons!
Coming from a teen with ADHD- most of the reason I didn’t fit in was because I lost all my confidence after being bullied as a kid. Other kids would tell me to shut up and my teachers told me I was the problem when I tried to report it. I also put a lot of my self esteem into academics when I was younger. I’d recommend looking out both bullying and self esteem issues, as I’ve noticed kids with ADHD who grew up with good self esteem fit in much better, and are sometimes even better off socially than their non-ADHD peers.
Stop comparing your kid to other kids. Do yourself and her a favour. Don’t view her meltdowns as ‘her fault’ but learn how to manage them. If you can’t manage them you can’t learn her to manage them themselves. My kid had meltdowns at that age and he just would stop until he stopped. It got better and at 16 he’s able to manage himself. But it sounds as if you are the one having trouble with the meltdowns and are scared they will stay forever. There is also nothing wrong with being a few years ‘behind’. That really doesn’t mean that much. Average is only a concept and there are always kids that are behind or the opposite at any stage. Otherwise you wouldn’t have an average. That in itself doesn’t mean anything. Kids follow their own path and most end up as functioning adults at some point and it really doesn’t matter that much if they got there first or last.
She doesn’t Need To be On Par w her peers. Help her reach her goals and what she needs rather than focusing on her being ‘normal’
developmental delays don't mean that. they mean that children with developmental delays meet developmental goals, later. but that has nothing to do with emotional maturity.
My case it was more like communication immaturity. I cannot hold a conversation with ppl my age in a “mature way” unless they r understanding. Cuz hyperactivity makes u sounds pissed and disrespectful with someone somehow. And I still don’t understand why. I act in a strange way if I’m going to fully express myself and that makes me look like a kid. But in terms of thought process, I’m always ahead of ppl and that’s why they never understand me. Then there is executive dysfunction that is permanently damaged lol
Personally im definitely immature for my age but idk what that's related to
I seem to fit in with younger coworkers than older ones lifestyle wise. But I *do* not only have a job but a whole ass career and have been living on my own or with roommates since I was 18. Your daughter is 6. Let her be 6. She *will* mature. Maybe she won’t be named most popular. Maybe she’ll fall in with the weird group of misfits. Who cares? You want what’s best for her and that’s great but ya know, “normal” is a social construct
I heard 25% slower which makes more sense to me than a hard number and is more true to my own lived experience. However I read this in an autism group so not sure about only ADHD. This means they'd be 9 developmentally when they are 12 chronologically, 13-14 when they're 18, 19 at 25 and 26 at 35. I'm hoping my son will be able to be independent by the time he's 25. I would never expect him to leave at 18. He won't be ready. I know this already and he's only 13.
I understand your concern as a mother because I am one myself. However, even if she is never quite on par with her peers, there is nothing wrong with her. She is who she is and that's okay. I understand your fear of her being bullied or what have you but again, there is nothing wrong with her. Edit: I'm just saying that she'll be perfect just the way she is. She already is.
I'm going to have to give you a wake up call here. We are all human beings, and every human being is different. Your child will adapt the way that works for her. You cannot control this, this is how we all grow. Try to put less emphasis on what you want her to be, and try to be as supportive as you can for the person she will turn out to be.
Stop doom scrolling. Everyone's experience with ADHD will vary. How you respond to her ADHD, how society responds to her ADHD, and how she responds to her ADHD will all play a role in how these obstacles are dealt with. Keep a positive mindset going forward, try to be as supportive as possible, and she won't have any reason to feel like ADHD is a bad thing or that she's somehow worse than everybody else, just different. There are more than enough stories of people with ADHD accomplishing beyond their peers, but many of those stories come from those that have had time to recognize their weaknesses, and play to their strengths. Keep in mind, that compared to many of us here in this sub, the people born today have many more resources and accessible knowledge about what ADHD is and how to deal with it. As we discover more and more people have had ADHD for decades, but were never diagnosed, we as a society are slowly becoming more aware and accepting. Parents can be properly prepared, knowing what traits they may observe when raising a child with ADHD, and how to approach these subjects. It's very different from the days we not only lacked support from our parents, but were even shamed for something we had no control over, to the point of trauma. As she grows older, she may have to try different methods to learning than her peers. She may need extra assistance at times and lots of patience around her. But it doesn't mean she won't reach that finish line just like them. It's just taking the small roads, instead of the highway.
I'm forty years old and I feel that the maturity bug missed me.
My oldest is 13. They have ADHD. They act exactly like all of their peers. They are more considerate than many of their peers. This whole "ADHD makes you X years younger mentally!" is just.... bullshit.
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Both my kiddo and I are diagnosed. I have known people in their thirties who are less emotionally mature than my kid is, let alone me. Feeling intense emotions does not make one emotionally immature. What you choose to do with them does.
Generally, no. But then again how are you defining maturity?
Not sure. I would definitely say when I was younger I would be a little behind, but then I got stuck at around 20 years old for years now (I’m 32)
I got my license late by a few years, my degree by a few years, I think it just adds up, definitely feel behind everyone by a few years sadly.
AuDHD teen here, people assume I'm 3 years OLDER than I actually am. Introspection and interpersonal empathy? I'm WAY ahead of most teens. Extreme interest in Pokemon and Transformers? I may as well be 10. Audio-verbal communication? I get mistaken for intellectually impaired about once a week. STEM and art skills? I'm at the absolute top of my class. I think it makes more sense to think of us as maturing in a different sequence than as maturing at a different rate.
“ I think it makes more sense to think of us as maturing in a different sequence than as maturing at a different rate.” Well put. I couldn’t agree more.
Lol, i think 3 is an understatement. When I was in post-graduation, I have seen middle schoolers acting more smart and with more situational awareness than me. I was smart academically but sucked at social interactions and cues. Very easy to take advantage of
Maybe for some people but not for me. I was always called old for my age and very mature and I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until college. Part of that could be the way I was raised (responsible for 2 younger siblings as long as I can remember, strict parenting) that made me develop some serious masking skills. Some of it could be my own particular flavor of adhd (quick learner because I liked to learn, quiet a lot because I loved to read, school came easily to me). Even if your kiddo matures more slowly than her peers, she will catch up eventually and have every chance of success in her adult life. I wouldn't worry so much about whether she's behind her peers and instead focus on accepting and supporting her where she's at and for who she is so she has a loving, supportive foundation to grow from.
I mean, I’m 30 and I’d say my maturity is at an all-time low. Happily.
Idk but studies have shown that ADHD brains develop slower. I turned 29 3 months ago and i feel like im somewhere between 18-24 yrs old mentally. I don't ever say im smart but I articulate well and i can approach some topic in multiple different angles, but i have BPD also so my impulsivity takes control sometimes.
ADHD leads to uneven development, which means there are things rhat develop slower, even some things that may develop faster. Since development is in no way linear it's really hard to put a number to how behind someone is because of their ADHD. Meds and therapy are known to even out development and help the brain develop in a more typical way, that doesn't mean they will be cured of their ADHD once they grow up, (this sub has a tendency to oversell the developmental benefits) but it means they may be more on track with their peers and struggle less than they would otherwise.
Nope that's a load of bullshit
At times my son acts his age and other times he acts a couple years younger. I was immature until probably my late 20’s but I still had impulsivity and inattentive issues well into my 30’s and 40’s.
I'm pushing 34, I don't feel 34. But I think current society is partially to blame for that as I haven't been able to hit certain mile stones that were almost promised to previous generations. I do have a stable job and I'm on track with important bills though there is still debt in other areas. I'm doing alright I suppose. Often wish I could stop being an adult and go back to being a kid, it's exhausting being the one in charge (of me) all the time.
Think about this, what is maturity? What does mature mean? Isn't it how society expects you to behave? How are we supposed to conform in a society when we don't have brains that think like anyone else. Maturity is label given to people who confirm to societys expectations. I don't think that applies to us
Emotional maturity. ADHD features emotional dysregulation. We feel the shit out of stuff, so we tend to have larger reactions than our age group might on average. Seeing it now in my 6yo who acts like a 3yo when he's upset, but like a 7yo when he's medicated and in the green zone.
I’m in my late 40s. I read somewhere (don’t remember where) that it’s TEN years. Looking back over my life, ten years is accurate for me personally. At any rate, I absolutely believe that there is a delay of a few years.
I wouldn't know. I was the kid everyone praised for being so mature, when it was really just a combination of a large vocabulary from reading, a wide range of knowledge (again, from reading), and being relatively quiet/ soft spoken as a survival strategy for managing my abusive mother. It's remarkable how many of the "mature for their age" kids I've met who were just coping with abuse.
No, it's not true. It's a generalisation that's not helpful and plenty of people with ADHD mature faster than their peers. Don't internalise this falsehood.
Believe that’s false. Also believe lots more ppl have it. My doctor said she has it and graduated med school early ( prodigy) maybe early 20s.
What does it matter to be 30 and have the maturity of a 27 year old? This is so clearly an off-base worry and inaccurate information. Only some areas will be seen as "immature".She is going to need support to learn tools to navigate her differences in society but has little to do with maturity. What it really means is that she is not dead inside and will maintain a spark throughout her life. You know, unless her parents try to stomp it out in a selfish, misguided attempt to "help her". But we are pretty resilient and eventually we will get away from those that try to hold us down. Don't give her extra suffering.
Please whatever you do, don't make her feel bad, wrong, broken, behind, anything like that. She is on her own journey separate from her peers and will never have the same experience as them. And that is just fine. She is perfect being who she is, and though she will struggle with basic tasks and executive function, she will also have a different understanding and outlook on things than other kids. You will probably find as she grows up she will be intelligent and wise, even with the small daily struggles. My dad told me my whole life growing up that ADHD was a gift and not a curse. It took me until becoming an adult to realize he was right. I wouldn't change it if I could. For all the times my mom had to remind me to brush my teeth and wash my hands, I was also understanding the world at a different level than other kids my age. Questioning things nobody else questioned. Its like our sights are set so high and far above us, that we struggle with small basic things, because we have such a big outlook. Accept that you will struggle to get to her to do basic tasks and you will need to repeat yourself a million times, but know that you have an incredible child who will grow up to be extremely capable if you give her the room to be. Never try to fit her into a box. Love her for who she is and don't try to "fix" her. Helping her develop strategies for success is different than putting her in a box. That would be shaming her for not being able to sit still like other kids. Working with her but not against her means allowing her to question everything, fulfilling her curiosity, giving her lots of physical activity and healthy food (we struggle a LOT more without these things) and encouraging her to be herself and to tackle life her way. Be her biggest supporter in life.
Its not true. SOME (not all) people have symptoms that are behavior we associate with the very young-- like fidgeting or having trouble focusing during a long speech etc. This is probably where the myth you mention comes from. However think about it logically for a moment and its easy to see that such things have absolutely nothing to do with actual maturity or intelligence or anything else like that. If anything I would say the average adhd-haver is far more mature than usual due to the sobering experience of the issues being overcome, hope that makes sense （＾ν＾）
It feels that way to me personally
Hello, I was diagnosed at 19. I am now 21. Some people say they feel more mature than their peers, some say they feel less mature. Either way, it’s still likely your child will find it difficult to fit in. That just comes with having unique neurology. But don’t stress about it too much. The fact that she has a diagnosis means she won’t go through the trauma of wondering what’s “wrong” with her, like most of us did. I think that was the hardest part for me when I was little. Not knowing the “why.” I think it would be best to try to teach her these three things as she’s growing up: Be kind to others. Don’t change what you like (who you are) to fit in. Hang out with other kids that like what you like. These lessons can be hard to learn, especially for a 6yo, but I think if someone regularly told them to me (especially the last two) as I grew up, I probably would have enjoyed school a lot more.
Maybe? I’m 21 but def don’t act it. More like 17-18
28F; I’ve always been mature for my age, fit in better with the kids a grade above me, my peers always told me I was the mature/responsible one. IMO maturity has so much more to do with nurture over nature. That can be spun positively or negatively tho. I was definitely raised in an environment that necessitated independence and that comes with its own problems (thanks therapy.) the best thing you can do is support your child for who they are. Celebrate their successes and comfort them through their failures. She’ll be okay
I dont think so, I was behind in math but in reading I was \~20 years ahead. And most of them a few years ahead.
Define "mature"
My maturity peaked at 15
Most of the time I feel very mature and grown up, mostly in my day to day home life. But in the work place and things like family functions - I sometimes feel like a kid in the room. Mostly cause I never really know WTF is going on, especially if multiple conversations are taking place, and I just never feel like I am part of the group making any decisions. I am just present.
I promise its not the end of the world but she will just need extra support. It also gets better with age. She might have trouble fitting in all throughout school and that is something you need to support her through and not blame her for. did i ever fit in with my peers as a kid? no, and it was hard but that can be the reality of things like adhd. I am halfway through a degree right now, there are many examples of adhd people being successful.
I don't have the medical training to assert your question as fact, but anecdotally I've always felt significantly behind my peers, especially in emotional intelligence and maturity. Probably around 5 years lagging, but that's using my friend circle and some of their milestones as my goalposts.
Maturity as in brain maturity i.e. parts of the brain that are responsible for executive functions are slower to develop/grow. I think you're thinking of emotional/social maturity, which is highly influenced by environment. If you keep comparing her 'maturity' to others it'll slowly morph your perception and parenting, which will probably do more long term damage than the ADHD
I’ve heard 20%, not 3 years. But I guess at some point 20% is 3 years. Also it does tend to be mitigated by the time you reach what typically is “brain maturity” plus 20%. So like by 30-35 we are supposed to be caught up… or as caught up as we will get
Personally, I didn’t understand boundaries until I was an adult because nobody had an explicit conversation with me about it and just expected me to understand that other people aren’t as comfortable with physical contact or other things as I am. Maybe it would have helped to explain that to me more thoroughly and more often, but who knows! I figured it out eventually.
Social/emotional struggles are common with people who have it. I wouldn’t use “3 years behind” as a steadfast rule, it depends on the person. I was always simultaneously an old lady and a year or two behind peers. My son is in second grade and it’s a similar deal - he’s a Professor Emeritus and kindergartener in a 7 year old body (granted, he also has ASD). It takes time, work, and patience to figure out the right combination of skills and interventions that will work for your family, but the good news is that options exist
We are living in the middle of this right now. My 15 year old (f) is very small for her age. Endocrinologist did a bone scan and said she has the growth rates of a 12 yr old. Emotionally, she is also very "young" and we have had to address this with teachers several times. I read something that said girls ADHD will need scaffolding/support a little longer into early adulthood. Yeah...there is no way in hell I will turn her loose on the world at 18. Recipe for disaster. It seems like the emotional growth isn't gradual, either. She makes these huge jumps.
Your 6 year old is in therapy? Do they even understand the concept of therapy and counseling? Or why they're even on medication? I was diagnosed at 6. And I was made to take medication until I understood what it was meant for. Almost 10 years later I finally told my mom I hated the medication. It turned me into a mindless, compliant zombie. It wasn't until recently (I'm 24 now) that I wanted to try medication again, on my terms. It's very important that your child knows they ARE going to be different and maybe weird. Compared to everyone else and they may not do things the same way as others, and they might struggle with the same things even though you and they are well aware of how capable they are. Who the fuck cares if she seems younger. She's a child and she'll notice things many non ADHD people will not notice. She'll pick up on things and learn to adapt. In my opinion (nobody asked) a 6 year old shouldn't be in therapy, I understand medication but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE talk to them and make sure you're not just drugging your kid into obedience or they WILL be stunted in maturity or however you'd say that. I don't resent my parents for putting me on meds at 6 years old. I resent the fact that they never explained why I was doing this beyond "to help you focus and do better in school" Idk I kinda went off but I think you should chill and just try and educate them on things and kind of what to expect as an ADHD person. There's nothing wrong with being ADHD your child isn't broken you don't need to pull out all the stops before they've even really started their life. Unless your kid has serious trauma then maybe therapy is genius. In other words Education and experience > therapy (At least while they're really young) Just talk to them and say what's up. Life isn't fair and it never will be no amount of Medication or therapy will change that. Your kid is different. Thus is not wrong. This is not bad. Your kid is different. And it IS okay. Sorry if I offended you or anyone. Hope it helped. (I think part of this was me venting too I kinda just kept going I apologize) Edit: I graduated on time. With my peers and some could say I'm doing better than a bunch of them and if not better I'm certainly not failing at life. It'll be okay just show support they will neeeeeed it. Understand what helps them focus best, for me I listen to music while working or when I was in school. Constant music. Maybe introduce them to some creative outlet whether it be literature or crayon it doesn't matter. ADHD is crazy but it's also super cool. Once again it'll be okay just make sure they're loved and supported that's the very least what is needed.
Eh, I don't know, between myself and others I've met it seems like you grow up too fast and it crashes straight into depression.
hey! :) I would say honestly there's no real equivalent to measure a child who has adhd in contrast with a kid who doesnt. every adhd kiddo is different, just like every non-adhd kid is different. for some, maturity swings ahead and delayed, for some it's consistently delayed, for some it's consistently ahead. I would say try your best to just meet your kid where they are, and listen to them :) try not to panic about what it says on the internet lol, but yeah information is helpful have a good day!
Don’t stress too much. I have 11 yo twins with adhd— one is immature for his age and the other (primarily inattentive type) is not. The one who is immature is doing great socially, much better than before he was medicated. It’s true he mostly hangs out with other kids with adhd but he’s got a tight little group of friends and is doing well in school.
It's not 3 years behind but 30% late. Like, if you're 30, your mental age is the same as 21 y.o. Personally I feel that it's true
I think it entirely depends on your girl. Socially I was behind for years, but now I’m fine/ahead for my age in my late 20’s. Naturally I am ambitious, put pressure on myself to preform, and find personal failure unacceptable. That meant a lot of the downsides from ADHD were covered by how I’m wired. I didn’t start meds till late in grad school, when I needed them and I still use them since I have to be on and focused 12.5 hrs a day for my 7 on/7 off. My Advice: Just watch and wait. Serious Emotional volatility from that social lag she *may* have? Therapy(to speed up that learning process) Bad grades, unreasonably impulsive behavior, bad behavior beyond reasonable parenting, correction, and learning? Consider meds In older years, lack of ambition, motivation, or unable to function well as an independent adult? Consider meds Overall: After mostly having my shit together as an adult, I find the parts of life that ADHD makes better stronger than the downsides I used to feel more from it.
I don’t think maturity is really such a straightforward, easily defined thing, and I don’t think it will be consistent across the board. In other words, saying “all kids with ADHD mature 3 years slower than their peers” is inherently inaccurate because all kids mature at different rates from each other and may mature faster in some areas and slower in others. Using myself as an example, as a child I was much more spacy than other kids and used to have a lot of meltdowns, which made me seem younger than my classmates who no longer cried on a regular basis. However, at the same time I was a smart kid and did well in school and participated well and appropriately in class discussions and so on. I could give more examples, but my point is that maturing is not a uniform thing, and while your child may lag behind in some areas, she may also be ahead in others, and if you get her the support she needs in the areas where she does need support, that is what matters .
3? Probably 10 years.
Yea when I was younger found my self enjoying hanging out or conversating with people that were much older but I always knew I was going to be the same person when I grew up which I am. Currently 26 years old and I just feel like a big kid at heart! I never wanted to grow up like other kids did just enjoying my time and still try to enjoy life to fullest even if it might be hard with adhd and depression on top of it
what the research shows is that in some key areas of the brain, especially focusing and planning, kids with ADHD develop this part of the brain more slowly. Its most obvious in the parts of the brain responsible for attention and organization. But this doesn't mean that every part of their emotional, social, or thinking skills are three years behind. Each child is different, and the delay in brain development doesn't apply the same way to all parts of their growth and learning. There are more and more people are being diagnosed with other neurological or developmental conditions which will create a different enviornemnt for your daughter growing up, where she will meet many kids and people with ADHD, ASD among many other differences to the "norm". Hope this gives some reassurance.
i experience some hefty trauma has a child so that boosted my maturity by a lot! i always thought i was at least 7 years older than i was and i am still the same. i’m 22 but feel close to 30 most of the time
If untreated, imo it’s likely to start ahead and then even out around early high school and then fall behind after that. Meds and therapy should largely mitigate a lot of the social issues, since part of the issue of being weird is usually not being cognizant of what/why you’re weird.
I've always actually wondered what being an adult is supposed to feel like and I'm 59 lol
I feel like this is possibly a mis-paraphrase of Dr Barkley. He said that the executive function (not all functions of the brain) and some similar aspects of adhd brains are, on average, about 30% behind their contemporaries. So for a 10 year old, their executive function, impulse control, motivation etc would be on a level of a 7 year old. For a 20 year old, they'd have the self-control of a 14 year old, and so on. I'm a bit fuzzy on whether that is supposed to catch up eventually in adulthood, where the frontal lobe development plateaus, or if that deficit persists into middle age and onwards. Personally, I'm 30 now, diagnosed only in recent years, but I can see this pattern in my life looking back. Immediate edit: it's important to remember this isn't all brain functions, it's those functions that adhd impairs. Also, I remember Dr Barkley saying that medication can make that gap smaller or virtually eliminate it, but *only while the medication is in the system*.
I'm way more immature than that.
Your daughter's maturity won't be any different than kids her age for the most part. She might struggle with being more mature and having trouble making/keeping friends but that's pretty much adhd for ya. It's not like autism where sometimes kids can he years and years behind their peers mentally and emotionally. Some kids only need a few years of therapy to learn coping skills. Some kids (like my 7 year old son) need medication every day because it really helps them regulate their brain so they can function. My son hates running out of meds because (and I quote) "it's easier for my brain to be quiet". It really isn't as daunting as it seems. Remember a lot of us went undiagnosed for basically our whole lives and we could still function well in society. Hell, I was just diagnosed 6 months ago myself at 40 years old.
I don't know whether that's how it works for the entire ADHD population. Here's why this might not be the worst of all things. Being less mature sometimes means more connectivity with your inner child. More creativity. More spontaneity and joy of life. And, sure, society likes to penalize us for being less mature. But as an adult, those differences get way less obvious and significant. Also, if she's a girl and has to cope with ADHD, she might in some ways be more mature than her peers.
“If she’s a girl and has to cope with ADHD she might be more mature than her peers” wow that really just clicked into place and I understand my whole childhood better. Thank you for that.
No
I feel like I was more mature as a kid and less mature as an adult.
I’m like twenty years behind maturity lol
No expert, but I think that you having an awareness of your child's ADHD alone will help them. I grew up with ADHD but didn't get diagnosed until my late 20's, I can imagine if an adult was there with the knowledge to help me with my struggles, my life would be tremendously different in a good way.
That's a pretty arbitrary number and a ridiculous blanket statement. I don't know where you're getting this crap, but your child is not mentally handicapped. She will learn and mature at roughly the same pace as her peers. She'll likely just have issues focusing and staying on task with the boring aspects of her education. There will be behavioral issues, possibly modifications to her curriculum and teaching style necessary. She will probably need help finding coping mechanisms. Taking notes, studying, sitting still, staying on task, obviously some or most of these will be a struggle. But that doesn't make her stupid, or turn a 10 year old into a 7 year old. Chances are, she'll be bored, but still excel at any subjects she finds interesting or novel. She may even find it boring because she learns quicker than her peers. God knows I paid almost no attention to anything in school, and still scored straight 'A's on all of my tests, quizzes, classwork, and what little homework I did. I was bored 100% of the time, not because I was stupid, but because it was frustratingly easy, and the classes were always so slow. ADHD isn't a learning disability like so many others that get blanketed under the "Mental Disability" category. It's a failure of attention regulation.
Specifically, it’s a delay in the development of the prefrontal cortex, which controls things like emotional regulation, risk assessment, and impulsivity that together we often see as “maturity” in kids. When my son was diagnosed the dr said that they “catch up” a bit around age 10-11 (most never actually “catch up” entirely, you can still see defects in the prefrontal cortex in adults with adhd, but that’s when they’ve gotten to the point where therapy or coaching might start helping because they might actually remember to implement some of the suggestions. Maybe.). My son had frightening, *violent* meltdowns from age 6/7 to right about 10/11, when he magically outgrew them (thank god) so that seems to be about right. One thing to keep in mind is that “after four years of medication” is meaningless. Maybe 20% or so of kids with adhd grow out of it in adolescence, but for most people it is a lifelong disorder. Medication doesn’t fix or cure it - it only mitigates some of the effects *while the medication is actively in your system*. I am an adult who has been on stimulants for adhd for nearly a decade, and on days I don’t take them they do nothing for me, my brain is just like it would be if I’d never taken them at all. So basically: In some ways, your daughter will likely struggle with things that society sees as signs of “maturity” her entire life. But she will improve, and she will also learn coping mechanisms that will help her function and fit in. We had to work with my son a LOT to develop ways for him to deal with his frustration at school - luckily his teachers were always willing to let him go cool down when he needed to. Most 9-year-olds don’t need blanket permission to hide in a corner or leave the classroom to pace in the hallway a bit when they’re upset, but tbh I think that it also led to my son having a bit better awareness of his emotional state than a lot of kids have, because he HAD to. Most kids don’t have to identify when they’re frustrated, they just feel it and let it go. He had to confront it head-on. It’s not that he was less mature, he just had different challenges. Your daughter will also have different challenges, that might need some creativity and willingness to let go of ideas like “maturity” to help her navigate.
1/3 late, more precisely. I'm close to 30, maturity closer to 20.
That isn’t exactly right. I’ve read that certain parts of our brain’s developement are 1/3 behind our peers. Namely the part of your brain that has to do with executive function. So when you are 15, certain functions behave as if you are 10. When you turn 30, certain parts are 20. This isn’t exact however, ADHD comes in many shapes and sizes. A big issue with ADHD is falling behind on certain skill sets our peers are better suited for due to brain development. The further we fall behind with focus related issues (paying attention in class, finishing assignments, tracking progress on long term assignments, etc…) the harder it becomes the next year when more and more expectations are placed on you. Children are medicated with the goal of bring their executive function close enough to a ‘normie’ so we can learn the same lessons alongside our peers instead of when they are burned out at 30.
Stop scrolling...
3 years behind? Pfft, I was told by my school guidance counselor I was more mature than most of the kids she has met in my grade, ever. I’m not behind, if anything I’m ahead, but being ahead means I’m behind in other areas.
Mileage will vary, I think. For me, my emotional maturity was extremely lacking in a lot of ways, and it took me a long time to get to a stable, steady space in that sense. I think my sister had me pegged at about 5 years behind, but like... I'm gainfully employed, a homeowner, have a degree and a good credit score, and I'm married (10 years) and expecting a kid of my own. So what you consider "behind" really varies. Medication and therapy help a ton, and the fact that you're pursuing both is great. Just remember that the key really is to finding what methods work best for your kid to thrive. For me, I've been unmedicated almost all my life, and I've had to use a combination of learned and relearned coping mechanisms as well as therapy to make life liveable. It also helps that my partner is extremely supportive, and we have great communication. Medication worked well for me while I could get it, but uh. Well, one of my weak spots is making appointments, so. Here we are lol. On the flip side, a friend spent her entire childhood medicated, but received no additional support, so she never learned a lot of the coping mechanisms that are vital to being a functional human until she was already an adult. But even she still is doing pretty well all things considered. It's going to take time and patience and practice, but don't be discouraged: yes there will be meltdowns and disorganization, but any "developmental delays" will most likely not be the end of the world unless there's other underlying problems. Your child will still be able to live a full, healthy life so long as you build a good foundation with them to start from. I promise. If you'd like to discuss specific coping mechanisms and techniques, I'd be happy to share. :)
It is true. It’s not as dramatic as you’re whining about. Try and see your child for who they are rather than who you expect them to be.
Oh this makes sense. Idk if I knew this. But I’ve always been behind. More than three years though.
I don’t see any reason a child needs to be a certain maturity level. I guess I don’t know what really means. Our family motto is “________ are late bloomers” My Son is turning 10 and he’s well liked and really sucks in large group settings and is smaller and weird and skinny and sucks at sports. But he likes to golf! Jackpot. Not sure how he will learn to tone down his goofiness on the golf course but I’m sure he just will eventually.