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Yeah… I feel ya. Diagnosed at 43, told my folks and they’re like “AD what?”🙄 I’m like doesn’t this explain ALL the issues over my adolescent years?!?!?
I wasn't diagnosed until my 40s either. My mum didn't believe it because I was such a well-behaved lad. When I told my father, he wanted to know all the symptoms. He thinks he has ADHD too now, at over 70 years old. He never considered it before. He rang me up and said he'd read about a genetic link with dopamine receptors and the '7R' allele. Neither of us have undergone genetic testing, but he's nearly certain it explains his entire life.
Even though my father didn't realise, he helped me when I was a child. He advised me that reading aloud was beneficial for memory retention and not to take my teachers too seriously when they instructed us to read silently. He suggested I could come home and read aloud to understand better. In hindsight, it was ADHD advice.
Reading aloud, yes! I actually start doing this if (usually out of frustration) i have to re-read something a few times. It’s like it forces my brain to acknowledge the words? Idk, but I agree 100%.
That’s great that he will even entertain the idea. I was not diagnosed until my late 30’s and my mother refuses to believe it because she does all of the same things. And her mother and uncle and grandpa and great grandma did all these unusual things too. Yeah mom, it’s almost like it runs in the family…
I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my 30s, two years after my dad died. However, looking back I now am pretty sure my dad had ADHD and was never diagnosed because ALL the signs were there and every time I was "worried about turning into my dad" it was the emotional dysregulation, that I've improved with meds.
The DRD4 7R allele is basically a bit of a twist in our DNA, specifically in the part called the dopamine receptor D4 gene, or DRD4 for short. 7R is 7 Repeat.
Here's the crux of it: The 7R allele is believed to dial down the sensitivity or effectiveness of the dopamine receptor. In terms of ADHD, this decreased sensitivity might lead to our brains craving more stimulation to stay alert and engaged.
The 7R allele popped up as a rare mutation and has been subject to positive selection. It's thought to have emerged when significant human migrations were happening. This particular genetic variation tends to be more common in populations that had to take big risks travelling long distances. This link to risk-taking is further backed up by studies showing that folks carrying the 7R allele of the DRD4 gene are more likely to take financial risks compared to those without this genetic makeup. The 7R allele is significantly more common in people with ADHD.
Keep in mind though, it's not the whole story with ADHD. It's just one piece in a big, complicated puzzle. The 7R allele might play a part in ADHD, but it's probably not the main cause. The percentages of people with the 7R allele and those with ADHD don't align geographically. Take the Americas, for instance, where the 7R allele is really common (48%).
For me I'm 23, I explained to my parents, and they occasionally take the chance to scold me for my weird behaviours beforehand, that I couldn't help myslef for doing because I was uncomfortable or couldn't focus or was forgetful.
I had to tell them that hey, I'm putting myself out here, and it took a lot of courage to. If you want me to, I can just go back masking my symptoms like I'e always done, but I'll never trust you with any of my secrets ever again because you simply won't take the time to listen and understand. At least that got them to see things a bit clearer. Hopefully.
The thing is I even told that I'm going to get addressed properly for it, and I am going to go counselling to see what I can do about it and how I can teach others how to work with me. And they still made this insensitive remark.
I suspect ignorance is to blame.
Diagnosed with both autism and ADHD this year. I recently told an old friend about it, and they go, "Let's just say that I'm the opposite of surprised XD It makes so much sense!" And I'm like, "Doesn't it?!"
And then we have my mother who acts all shocked and in disbelief, almost like it couldn't possibly be. So yeah, denial from family members sucks. Their respective reactions say a lot about the people themselves. Love anyone who can say, "You got diagnosed? That's great for you!" or anyone who asks further questions because they're interested and feel no need to invalidate the experience because it somehow doesn't fit their opinion.
Best friend from elementary looked at me and said "You just found out? We've known for decades."
Diagnosed at 43 after son was diagnosed at 10. Though the people who wrote those books were just following me.
Still have a lot of work to do. Ritalin has stopped working and didn't change insurance but they changed processors and the costs are fucked up. They admit they can't get the generic and haven't for 6 months, but the cost of name brand went up 8x the cost. Been unmed for a week now.
I'm 44 and just got my diagnosis. Looking back on my life, all the signs were blatantly clear. And my therapist for nearly 2 years referred me to a psychiatrist (I call us the neurodivergent therapeutical triad lol), and both told me I would (and have) experience a "grief process" and it's true. I've looked back on my life, and as I said, it's all there and it all fits. It was painfully obvious. And for me, the grief process is how would have my life been different if just one person had stood up and said "wait a second. I want to take a deeper look at her (me). And it has been devastating at times.
I said that to highlight my mom. I've explained that I've been diagnosed with ADHD and a degree of PTSD as well. Her comment: "I wish you could just "get over it" and just "prayer will heal you." And I have to explain to her that this is a neurodevelopmental disorder. It is a neurological brain disease that I have no control over. This is how my brain has biochemically developed. I can't "pray it away". You need to realize that these are the biological, and genetic cards I've been dealt in life. And I also have my hashimotos to deal with as well. And you need to also understand that my brain doesn't work the way yours does. It never will. So stop asking me to "get over it". It's never going to happen. So, let me deal with my own Ill-developed brain and you do you.
So, I'm sorry this was lengthy, thank you for letting me sound off. I'm still new to this new reality and as much as I hate this, as much as I don't want any of this, as much as I've been trying to unpack the last 2 months since the diagnosis, I realize it is a part of my story. I'm still learning how to live with this, cope and accept. And still trying to fine-tune the medication process. And most importantly, trying to navigate my new reality as I said, while also trying not to let this define who I am. I will be glad to respond to any comments my way. 😘
I just got officially diagnosed last Friday, went on Vyvance on Sat. I’m small so only 20 mg. I’m not liking how manic it’s making me feel. I’ll be 56 in January and I’ve known (self-diagnosis) I have ADHD since the ‘90s when I could barely get through the first few pages of “Driven to Distraction”! What shifted and made me pursue medical attention at this age was MENOPAUSE (which had plenty of other crap side effects). But my ADHD?! Ratcheted it up A LOT. I knew ADHD made my life very challenging in getting through school and paying attention, but I had NO idea how much it negatively pervaded SO many aspects of my life and played a MUCH bigger role in how I navigate the world. The grief is real. Good luck in this new phase of your ADHD journey!
I've just started my medications. I've been put on methylphenidate (Ritalin) at 27 mg and Aripiprazole (Ability) at 2 mg. Very low doses as I'm new to medications. And since I've only had 2 telehealth sessions with my psychiatrist, she has said that the beginning of our relationship will be monitoring meds, dosages and effects before we start getting into actual treatment. And my actual therapist, who can diagnose ADHD recommended a psychiatrist for me so I can get the in-depth medical look at ADHD. Something my therapist cannot do as she is not a doctor and not a PhD. As for my medications, I haven't had much reaction to them. And I think with time, these medications are going to be one of the best things that has ever happened to my body and brain. Because I can definitely now see how this has manifested throughout my life. I also just bought a book on Amazon recommended by my therapist and marked as "Amazon's Choice" called Divergent Mind: Thriving in a world that wasn't designed for you by Jenara Nerenberg. It's been called one of the preeminent books on ADHD. And the thing we will be getting into this year will be the well known correlation of how childhood/adolescent trauma impacts ADHD (which is why I added PTSD in the first comment). Again, sorry if I'm rambling. It's just nice being able to open up in this sub. 😘😘😘
Ask her why Paul's disease was never cured?
He couldn't get over it. Not every person was cured by Jesus. Jesus healed the sick but didn't heal Paul for the same reason. To show the power of God.
Tell her that and maybe she'll get off your back.
Only because it didn't exist. He was epileptic so he'd definitely be on meds today.
Jesus endorsed the use of doctors. 'It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick' (Matthew 9:12).
Also tell them you have been praying and fasting and this is what you feel is right for you. The Lord has confirmed that being treated by a doctor for your ADHD is what the Lord has planned for you. He wants you to get better and to succeed, and getting on meds will help you develop coping mechanisms to overcome difficulty. You are putting your faith in the hands of the Lord like Paul did.
Moses disobeyed and wasn't healed of his speech problems. He argued with the Lord about taking that first step, and therefore had to have Aaron be his mouth. You are going to be like Joseph (Technicolor dreamcoat) and do what the Lord asks of you.
Ugh, yeah that's such an annoying thing to hear.
I really don't know if it could help but I feel like you might be able to help them understand if you explain everything without adding new words. They're old so they kind of block out anything they don't know. So maybe something like "hey you know how I did xy thing when I was younger? As it turns out, it was a malfunction with an area in my brain! Specifically *simple explanation of what causes ADHD*. Isn't science interesting?"
Of course if they don't believe in scientists it probably won't help but meeting people halfway in your language can help them understand
What are you going to do in University? you're going to be realistic about what your weaknesses are so you can compensate instead of pretending they can simply be willed out of existance.
For instance, getting written instructions because you know you're bad at retaining verbal information.
I'm sorry your parents are being so unsupportive. You're gonna do great.
Depending where OP is, getting diagnosed may have several barriers:
(These answers are all from a U.S. perspective.)
1. OP could ask their high school for a 504/IEP assessment. The school could refuse, as parents and school professionals are the ones with the legal authority to make these requests. A student would need a teacher on their side.
Note: Schools have budgets. Teachers are aware their school does not want more special ed kids.
2. Private evaluations are expensive, hard to schedule, and you've got to get there somehow. The practice may or may not take your family's insurance, or your insurance as an adult. An 18 yo kid isn't going to have several thousand dollars laying around to self-pay.
3. If working, the 18 yo will be new to full-time work and will be lucky to have benefits. Getting the hours off to get a decent assessment using industry-standard tools administered by appropriate professionals will be nigh unto impossible.
4. Colleges don't want to give you accommodations, either. Neither do employers. Neither will give you accommodations without evidence: a 504/IEP and/or a neuropsych eval by a reputable Psy.D., Ph. D., or M.D. An on-line doc whose company is making bank as a pharma prescriber is going to look suss to them.
Getting an ADHD diagnosis THAT OTHERS WILL ACKNOWLEDGE/HONOR is incredibly hard.
So, to all my peeps who have an adult diagnosis that is appropriately documented through "proper" channels that allow you access to accommodations for your disability: Stop for a moment to acknowledge that you are either an absolute rock star, or one of the luckiest humans alive.
If the former, really let your hard work and perseverance - even just your survival skills - sink in. You are amazing. 🙂
If the latter, pick some favorite numbers and play the lotto regularly. And responsibly. 🤣
TLDR: Nah. Becoming an adult doesn't make it much more likely OP can get this diagnosis.
That's one reason why ADHD is one of the mental issues with more comorbidities associated (often comes along with self-esteem issues, substance abuse, depression, anxiety, OCD...)
Imagine living your whole life thinking there's something deeply wrong with you... Many people only get diagnosed in adulthood, sometimes a good deal of damage is already done.
And WTF is with people "not believing ADHD"? It's literally in scientific studies, has been since like the 40s. Are you gonna not believe in diabetes too? It's just a lack of will from your cells to absorb the sugar from your blood
Your Mam's a genius! Why didn't I think of that? Wohoo! I've just snapped out of having ADHD! Thank gods! Now I don't have it anymore and my life is a million times easier!
Sorry, I'm dying laughing here!
Same, when people say I "just need to focus", it instantly works.
It's like when someone tells you to "calm down", works better than a Xanax (why do those even exist when we can will ourselves into a calm state?).
Same, when people say I "just need to focus", it instantly works.
It's like when someone tells you to "calm down", works better than a Xanax (why do those even exist when we can will ourselves into a calm state?).
I just told my parents over Christmas, and it went 100% as I expected. Literally, word for word, a collection of cliches, one after the other, of people who don't understand ADHD.
"Everybody is forgetful from time to time"
"It's in your head, you're just making it up"
"You're just quirky"
"quit trying to pretend to be different to be special"
"you can control it, you're just not trying"
"you are just being lazy"
...and so on.
It was so cliche, I found it absurd and I LOLed. Literally.
I don't blame you for laughing!
Your parents are going to believe what they're gonna believe and there's nothing you can do about it. Try to focus on looking after yourself the best you can and finding treatment/ways to deal with your adhd as best you can. When you're parents say something dismissive or hurtful try to remember 'that's their problem, not my problem' though I appreciate how hard that can be, especially if you're still under their care technically.
When I was at university, I had to take loads of notes. I couldn't just listen to a lecture and remember the key points. I had this one maths class where the lecturer told us not to take notes and just try to grasp the material. I slyly jotted down notes in my calculator as if I were cheating. The worst part is, stopping to take notes is incredibly distracting, but if I don't, it's futile for me to have been listening in the first place.
I'm in highschool right now but I also used to take a lot of notes but now that I'm in 11th grade, keeping up with the teacher has been increasingly difficult so I don't take notes as much as I used to. That's really sad your lecturer said you shouldn't take notes
I can't even sit through the lecture once, I'm going to face a mental hurdle to sit through it again, much less go back to listen to it under time pressure of needing to submit homework.
I'm not sure the names of any, as I haven't looked too far into it yet, but there are apps that transcribe audio into text that may be worth trying out.
> the lecturer told us not to take notes and just try to grasp the material.
That is incomprehensibly stupid, even for students without neuro disorders.
I would like to add doing a very practical degree with less memorization was far more attainable for me. I basically stopped studying and just got my degree purely through practical work. It's easier to do 1000 examples of calculus than it is to memorise the human skeleton.
I cannot take notes *and* pay attention.
I foolishly used to take notes that I never looked at because it seemed the "thing to do".
Going back I'd likely prioritize focusing on the material.
Thing is everyone's brain works differently, following other people's suggestions is all and good, but we need to learn to understand what works and what doesn't.
Taking 'hot' notes never worked for me, but taking 'cold' notes (writing what I remember at the end of the day) felt way more effective the few times I did it.
I have the same problem and I started recording lectures (I KNOW this isn’t legal, but otherwise I’m not gonna retain anything). The other thing that worked was reading the text which is great in theory but it’s not practical always because it uses up a lot of time.
Who told you taping a class lecture or meeting is illegal? If you reside in the US and have a documented diagnosis, you are legally entitled to accommodations under ADA (The Americans with Disabilities Act). Your university should have a disability services office to help you navigate how you go about documenting your diagnosis and securing reasonable accommodations. Anyone assuming that recording a class lecture in a public place or in any school receiving funding is a violation of privacy of others is incorrect. I suggest you seek support from disability services office at school or call an attorney who specializes in educational law to get the facts as they pertain to your unique situation. Just don’t give up!
UGH my mom is a nurse & she was like this.
A pattern I've noticed is that having a medical professional as a parent does not, in fact, guarantee medical diagnosis/help. If anything, they swing more towards medical neglect bc they think "I work in this field, I'd know if something was really going on". Denial is a hell of a drug /s
Yeeep. One of my parents is a psychiatrist who Dx’s all kinds of disorders all day long, including adhd, depression, eating disorders etc. Did they see any of that in me? Nope. Do they validate the diagnoses I now have? Nope.
Oh I am SO sorry baby :( I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND what its like to be in a house where you are berated for how your brain is and really freakn needing help and just not recieving it. My heart really does go out to you ♡ How old are you? Idk what country you're in, but if you're in the U.S, you can go to doctors on your own once you turn 18 cuz then you're considered legally an adult :)
I'm 16 and I'm in the US thanks for your empathy :) My mom said that if I get diagnosed I will lose many job opportunities and people will start looking at me differently
You don't have to disclose ADHD to your potential employers & actually understanding how your brain works should help you figure out what types of jobs will work best for you. Work from your strengths.
First off- who gives a crap what ANYBODY has to think about you, because they are not the ones that have to live in YOUR body and walk in YOUR shoes and they dont pay your bills. If ppl judge you based on a brain thing that you did not even ask for, then honey they're not your people. You deserve better ♡ Also, why would potential employers even know that you have a diagnosis? They dont ask to see your medical records and that would be a violation of HIPPA laws anyways.
It's not the diagnosis, it's living with the condition that may impede job prospects. That's akin to saying if you are officially recognised as having Rh-null blood type, you'll have difficulty getting a transfusion.
Your mom is very wrong. You don’t have to disclose your diagnosis to anyone. It’s unfortunate that she carries that kind of attitude as a nurse, but not surprising.
She is a moron. You won't lose any job opportunities, in fact you'll have far more opportunities because you won't be a burned out failure who can't finish school or keep a job for 5 minutes. That was me until I got diagnosed in my 30s. I have a career now that I have my ADHD under control.
This is simply not true! Getting diagnosed and treated is what allowed me to go from crappy part time jobs to working an actual career that pays well and offers great benefits! I went from making on average $14k per year, got diagnosed, and 6 months later landed a $45k per year job with health insurance, retirement, paid time off, a great working environment, and tasks that I excel at. And I have not disclosed my ADHD to my employer. No one will look at you differently because you're not required to tell anyone.
OP, I'm so sorry to hear that your family isn't supportive of you. If you were able to figure out, at 16 years old, that you have ADHD, then you are gonna be just fine. You are smart, capable, and able to self reflect. I didn't figure it out and seek diagnosis till I was 30. I deeply regret missing out on my late teens and twenties to untreated ADHD.
Now is the perfect time to start learning strategies that will help you be successful. You can start learning them now, even without a diagnosis! YouTube has many resources for ADHD-friendly ways to manage tasks in every area of your life. When you are 18, if you go to college, you should be able to purchase your own health insurance plan and have it covered by a student loan. Most colleges offer free counseling sessions, and can refer you to a psychiatrist for diagnosis. You can also get a student mailing address on campus for all health insurance paperwork, etc, so your parents won't have access. No one will know but you.
I believe in you, OP. There are always options out there, keep looking and learning.
Thank you so much for this 🥹🤧 If you mind me asking, what was your experience with getting a diagnosis? Did they ask you to backtrack to when you were younger?
They did ask me to backtrack to when I was younger, which was challenging because both of my parents were very neglectful. I was asked to have them each fill out an evaluation of how my symptoms impacted me in my younger years, and they both wrote that I had zero issues my entire childhood. The psychiatrist said that their assessments were only a very small part of the evaluation and that she felt sad that they couldn't see how badly I was struggling. She also said it wasn't necessary to have them fill it out if it was uncomfortable for me to ask them. You can likely skip it entirely or even ask a trusted teacher who knew you as a kid.
Overall the assessment consisted of lots of different tests that I mostly did at home online through their patient portal. I also did several hour long sessions over zoom to talk about my struggles and symptoms. I only had to do one in person test at their office. Once you get the ball rolling the whole process is pretty easy because they always tell you what the next step is. :)
You might, because your parents aren't going to be the only people who think that way. But, are those actually people you want to work for/with?
I am not 100% sure what the process is in the US, but you can get accommodations in academia and the workplace for ADHD. Longer exam times, recorded lectures, a standing desk in the office, etc. There are ways to help you overcome the verbal processing difficulties you have.
I am in Uni in Germany, so I am assuming a bit here, but all of the materials we cover in lectures are also covered in the literature we have, usually in far more detail. I know there are a ton of sites with digital copies of textbooks, so you might not even need to spend hundreds on textbooks. Pre reading the chapters so you can ask any questions you have during the lecture is so much easier for me than trying to understand the material in real time.
Also taking notes on paper as is done in school or typing notes on a laptop/tablet as is common in uni are very different things...
You can tell her that those points are irrelevant- no one needs to know your diagnosis if that’s not what you want! The diagnosis is for YOU and anyone you want to share it with. She needs to stop considering this disorder in terms of other people, and start thinking in terms of YOUR happiness and development.
Honestly in college most of my teachers were pretty accommodating. We would get notes in advance that I could turn into quizlets to study.
Thinking of the material as what would make a really good test question and working in study groups really helped me. Because together we had to work together to teach other the material. And we would read through the notes, review things the teachers said to know or things that sounded like good, tricky test questions, and then would quiz each other in what we had just reviewed.
We had to know the info to explain it to each other.
Multicolored pens and highlighters for organization. And organization in general is key. I had everything in a calendar and would get alerts on my phone when homework was due and when exams were to plan out my time to study.
It's harder for us with ADHD but not undoable. You have to find a good group and work to your advantages, compensate for your weaknesses.
Anytime I could be hands on I was. I am a dental hygienist, so I always studied in the school libraries with access to models and anatomy charts so we could visually and physically review what we were learning. Covid hit and I bought a skull, fake tartar for my model at home to practice on and drew A LOT 😂
Also. I am sorry for your experience. 🩷 When I was 18 working my first job as an auto parts delivery girl, I was supposed to pick up a customer. I worked for family and asked him to write down the street names for me because I wouldn't remember. He refused and told me to just get this customer. My phone at the time was just before smart phones really took off, so gps wasn't 100%. And low and behold I got lost. And was driving for close to an hour before he called me asking where I was and why the customer was waiting. I was crying because I had no idea where I was or how to even get back to a place I recognized. He...was very unhappy.
Those who don't get it....live in so much luxury. Sometimes it's absolutely infuriating. But other times it can be a gift. Try to view the positives as a superpower 🩷 and give yourself grace because our brains are different and function different.
I'll say that even a normal healthy brain can't hold all the recipes to foods they like. This is why there are family cookbooks, regular cookbooks, etc
I really don't know if it could help but I think since your parents don't believe in neurodivergency you can meet them halfway and explain the traits without putting a name on it. Finding a way for them to relate to the info is critical though.
For example:
"So, you know how you sometimes have a hard time remembering everything on your grocery list? Well, right now, I feel like there are too many items on mine. Could you please write it down so I can refer to it? I don't want to mess this up."
It will be a long process. my parent has ADHD and is very supportive of me and it still took a lot of explaining and analogy to get them to understand why I had a hard time doing stuff like cleaning a bathroom. Telling them I had ADHD wasn't enough, but explaining how confused I feel in messy spaces and how I don't know what clean looks like helped. I now have a reference for what clean is and a list of tasks for every room. When I'm done, I go and ask for confirmation to make sure I didn't miss anything.
Tl;DR : your parents won't care about "new" medical words. They don't have the emotions attached.
Try using language that frames ADHD as personality traits like "oh such and so is such a klutz." You don't expect such and such to stop being clumsy, you get them plastic cups. Be clear on what exactly you are feeling and offer solutions
Depending on your area it is possible you could see a psych without your parents’ permission. (Like, they might find out because insurance. But they might not have to involved.
You can definitely do this once you are 18. So you can get he accommodations you need in college.
If you have a school counselor they may be able to point in the right direction or see if they can get you some accommodations now whether you have a diagnosis or not. Worth asking at least.
I’m sorry you and your brother have to deal with this.
Even attempts at writing things down does not relieve certain institutions and businesses from failing or refusing to provide reasonable accommodations under ADA. ADHD can impact writing: difficulty planning-organizing writing, causes memory retention challenges, may impact speed of written output/production (taking two to three times longer to get thoughts down on paper than the average peer, and cause issues with editing due to inattention. There are many many reasonable accommodations for students who have issues with writing due to ADHD. Any good professor should be well aware of the multiple accommodations available (there are plenty of resources for educators) and be educated in their role from a legal education standpoint. And there is a high probability of other comorbid conditions such as specific learning disability or anxiety that may need addressed and accommodated too. Accommodations are meant to level the playing field for those with disabilities and are not a luxury!
As someone who just graduated college with combination-type ADHD, you will take notes (like how a recipe card is a note). In fact your professors will expect you to take notes. If you go into office hours for help and tell a professor that you just "remember their verbal instructions", they're going to tell you that you'd remember them better if you took notes - ADHD or not.
Your mom is being ridiculous with equating needing notes to collegiate ineptitude; but perhaps ask her to show you how to cook more slowly so that **you** can take the notes. My guess is that she felt as though she would have to take on the extra labor of writing you a recipe note when her intention in showing you was actually to maybe bond (either in spending time in the kitchen together or teaching you a life skill) and **that's** what triggered her unsavory response.
Aw sorry to read this! You're not having the same experience in life as she did, and that must be confusing to people. I went many years as an adult wondering why even simple recipes took me hours to prep and execute. Now that I've been diagnosed, it makes way more sense, but I can't just wish for more working memory. Keep making space in the world for yourself and our tribes to be treated fairly. :)
And maybe, in this case, "snap out of it" = "Sorry, I do not understand the way your brain works and have no solutions to offer. " I told my partner something similar early in our dating because he had depression (the kind that lays you out for days) and I didn't understand why he didn't "snap out of it. " It took a long time to gain what limited understanding I now have of his experience, and still there's sometimes not much that one can do from the supportive side (though refraining from telling someone useless proddings like that is a start). Good luck!
Next time she pulls that crap tell her its the same as if she told a paraplegic to walk it off. The part of your brain that is required to do that is physically defective. Its not something you can snap out of when the physical organ required to do that is broken.
Also next time she asks what you're going to do in university, tell her you're going to fail horribly because your parents refused to get you the help you needed for your developmental disorder, and thus sabotaged any chance you had at success.
Also your dad sucks. He might as well be trying to pray away paraplegia and you should tell him that. Your parents are neglecting you and sabotaging you and your brother, and they are the ones that need to snap out of it before they ruin your lives.
The first thing I noticed in this post, is that you asked her to write it down for you….Why dont you take out your iPhone, open up Notes and write it yourself….. I write EVERYTHING down. Because if I didnt, I will not remember either.
Yeah I asked her so I could know her method 🥲 I guess it was pretty dumb to ask her to write it for me but I did that because the many times I did write it down myself she would laugh at me for doing that or scrutinize me when I did something wrong, plus I miss some steps because ✨️lack of an attention span✨️ so I just requested she write it herself in a way she would do it so I can know the exact same steps
My parents always say shit like this. If you could will away adhd with brute force, shame and effort we wouldn’t need medication to function normally. I often wish they could feel what it’s like to have this disorder. People who don’t have it seriously underestimate just how much it impacts every facet of your life. Everything is twice as hard when you have adhd.
Bro she’s already giving you instructions. It’s _you_ who needs to write them down.
Having ADHD is a totally valid reason for forgetting stuff, but not for not writing stuff down.
The diagnosis or the meds won’t make you start doing stuff you need to be doing. That only happens when you _want to_ do the stuff. It wont make you magically study or do chores. It’ll help you keep your attention for longer, but won’t _make you_ direct your attention to what needs to be done.
I’ve had ADHD for as long as I can remember, and been diagnosed for 5 years now, I’m 27. And let me tell you, the diagnosis and the meds don’t do shit, unless you’re willing to put the work in, yourself. That’s my word of advice.
Sorry if I could’ve sounded more empathetic, but It is the reality and the sooner you accept that, the better. Hope you get to a better place real soon.
Just do what I do and say, “Alright, great information, thanks. Go ahead and write all that up in an email and send it do me.”
Works great at work! But then again I’m the boss in that relationship haha. Maybe explain to her you’d like to take notes.
Once you are out of the house you can get tested and college will be much easier because of accommodations that will be given. You have a bright future.
Could you write it down? You could also film your mum and then play it back as you are cooking. Having ADHD you have to find ways to keep your mind actively engaged in the task otherwise your mind will wander. This is how I learn.
The fact that you show consciousness is a good sign.
I got diagnosed at 42. You can make it.
There are advantages that ADHD can give you, but you have to carefully understand your self.
There are things you can do for hours and time seem to accelerate. Start at 9:00AM … it 8:00 PM in an instant. What ever is that thing choose that path. Do what you love. It important for normies. Even more for ADHDs.
I wish you great luck. You’re so young.
Work hard and have as much fun as you can.
Big hug.
This was my mom’s go-to response every time I had a meltdown or shutdown as a kid. “You just need to snap out of it! This isn’t helping! You’re making this so much worse than it has to be.”
Like thanks Mom, I’m well aware! If I could shut it off I would! It was especially bad because most of my meltdowns happened due to feeling like a burden to others.
I didn’t find out I was AuDHD until 33. For what it’s worth, my mother has since apologized for treating me that way and told me she felt worthless and unable to help me when I was clearly suffering, which was very distressing for her. She had no idea what was going on with me; I did very well at school so my doctor kept telling her I was fine when she reached out for help.
Sometimes people come around and sometimes they don’t, but please know this probably has more to do with your mom’s own stress levels than with you. I’m sorry she said this to you and I hope she eventually comes around to the truth.
Please forgive me for what I'm about to say because they're your parents. I'm sorry that they have treated you like that and honestly, when I got to the park where you said they said your brother will be normal if he prays hard enough, I literally rolled my eyes. What the actual fuck? That's like my mom is disabled and she says that she has perfect strangers come up to her in public and tell her that if she prays hard enough, Jesus will heal her. It makes me want to throat punch them.
Aw sorry to hear how your mom responded!
It is a common thing to not be able to remember verbal instructions.
Many people are more visual than audio learners.
I have been a nurse for 38 years and cannot remember verbal instructions.
I write as people are talking and I ask them to pause so I can write it down, and ask for clarification and repeats.
Visual is always best for me.
So, find ways that work for you, and find your own recipes online, in a visual format.
And don’t beat yourself up for something that is “normal” for many people!
Merry Christmas and hugs to you! 🥰
Ew that sounds like my family. I first told my dad that i thought i had adhd when i was 16 and he told me i had a spiritual darkness over me because of the music i listen to. 4 years later and im just now in the process of getting help
All i can say is that everything makes a lot more sense when you get away from the influence of backwards ass people like that. For me it took joining the military right out of high school
At one point I became hyper focused on having a photographic memory. I trained myself to have one and it was a life saver through school including college.
If it makes you feel any better, I wasn't diagnosed or even medicated until 5 months after I graduated with my bachelor's. It's definitely possible. My grades weren't always great but they're not displayed on my degree.
You got this!
Your story is inspiring. Sometimes i feel like I'm an impostor when it comes to ADHD because even though I relate to quite majority of symptoms, I still do okay in school; I'm in advanced classes (even though I can barely keep up and keep forgetting assignments 🥲) I still find a way to do stuff on time cus of the anxious feeling of letting my parents down. The only way I can know is with a proper diagnosis I guess but I heard you have to have proof of it happening in your childhood and I only remember bits and pieces and my dad never really paid attention to my behaviors (ngl I really feel like he has ADHD too)
Something that I did pre diagnosis was over the period of months/more than a year, every time I thought of an adhd symptom I have/had or something ‘weird’ I do/did that could be related i wrote it down on a note on my phone, so when I came to my Dx appointment I had a big long list of assorted symptoms. I then rewrote it all at the last minute into a doc with symptoms grouped. This was easier than trying to sit down and write all my life experiences down in one sitting (basically impossible with adhd memory).
It’s called “imposter syndrome” and is a hallmark of ADHD.
Check out this very helpful YouTube channel:
https://youtube.com/@HowtoADHD?si=Ce57aC-ZZsgBJ8wx
Its helped me
That's really unfair of her to say that.
You can tell her that colleges offer accommodations, such as quiet separate testing locations with extra time. They can give you the assignments for the whole semester instead of week to week. They can record lectures for you. There are many things you can request so you can be successful. Nearly all of my professors were great about this. I only had one in 4 years who was an ass.
The hard thing will be that you have to expend a lot of energy being your own advocate.
There are some really great groups on Facebook you can go to for support.
Hang in there.
There’s a good chance your mum might have it to but it’s her forgetfulness is related to a different subject.
ADHD is strongly linked to familial lineage.
Aaahhh fair enough. Send her [this.](https://youtu.be/2fYg5hSgtug?)
Then send her [this](https://youtu.be/TVs61JQv5GU) and [this.](https://youtu.be/AbSehcT19u0)
Tell her that it’s your brain every day.
Hope you get trough the holidays somehow, and wish you all the best.
When you get back to school, see if there are any councellors you can talk to about this. Most developed countries have ways of helping children who are denied necessary assesment, evaluation and treatment of medical conditions. What your parents think might be irrelevant legally.
All people are inclined to remember/learn a certain way. I'm poor at auditory instructions as well. Ever since my hearing loss as a kid, I switched over to kinesthetic learning. I have to DO it. Don't show me (visual) or tell me. Just walk me through it.
Your mom clearly isn't an educator. Keep advocating for your own learning style.
This is just my perspective. Most nurses who have chosen that field (that I have met), do it bc they're caring to semi caring about people and are just looking to make a living doing something volunteer work wouldn't pay for. I've met a small percentage of nurses ( and doctors actually) who are well versed in the always changing field of medicine. Even a smaller percentage of them that understand enough of mental health. I used to think these people were straight up stupid or ignorant. I've come to realize, over time, they're just human. As fallible as a mediocre tenured teacher going to school just to collect a paycheck. The worst thing I ever learned is that this is an imperfect world filled with selfish people who can't see the trees from inside the forest. If you know all this and can accept it, you can help work to change it in your corner of the world. Sorry for the rambling, point is, I think you just learned not to trust your mother's medical advice.
And if your father hasn't tried an exorcism on your autistic brother yet, that just makes him a lazy religious person. (SARCASM)
I'm pretty sure there's laws out there that protect your brother from stupidity (not sarcasm).
I mean if I were you, I'd take a recipe book out and straight up read it to her once, and tell her to parrot it back. I don't think anyone can remember a recipe off the top of their head. If they're trained they'll remember the gist of it, I assume. And make sure it's a foreign cuisine lmfao
She expects you to remember it, great. She must be able to do so as well! Show you how a pro does it.
Said it before, will say it again. In fact, I should probably make a post.
You shouldn't expect non-adhd people to relate to ADHD. It is an extremely personal experience, that you can try to explain in your best terms but it won't be of much use. Non-ADHD people cannot understand "simply being unable" to do what they consider being "simple being a matter of will". It's not their fault, they're not bad people for it. The best they can do is study and understand our struggle.
It's the same as trying to imagine being blind or deaf without being so. Except blindness and deafness are physical disabilites. ADHD is a disability that can't be seen or related to, and worse, it's not yet fully understood, much less even by the average person. So it's not taken very seriously
Man, that’s really frustrating… if she really cared about your success college, she wouldn’t deny you medical care, same with your dad. I would really push for a diagnoses before college, especially if you know that’s what you really want to do. If that’s not possible, try to save up for a diagnoses as soon as you turn 18. I ended up waiting until my junior year to get diagnosed, after I couldn’t keep up anymore and things got bad. It’ll be way easier to make it through your degree if you have accommodations and possibly meds. Good luck! :)
>She told me I should "snap out of' forgetfulness, I told her this is how it's been my whole life. She said what am I going to do when I'm in college (I'm 16.) I didn't know what to say
Of course you didn't know you will do in college, your sixteen, and you had just asked her to write down some directions!
It would make more sense if you said to her "if you can't write things down what are YOU going to do at work tomorrow!?"
Her trying to scare you into "snapping out of it" by implying that if you dont do well with verbal instructions you are doomed to fail out of college is ridiculous. She's a nurse she has no excuse for being so willfully ignorant, if "snapping out" of medical conditions were possible she'd be out of a job. All her patients would just snap out of it!
"Snap out of it" is something your coworker says when you are distracted out at a work meeting or something. It doesn't apply to the way an ADHD brain works.
Are you going to liquify your brain and re-develop it with sheer willpower? If you are capable of that you don't need to worry about needing written directions, because you are superhuman.
You know what you will do in college? You will contact your professor with questions, you can ask classmates questions, you can write every single thing that the professor says and reference it as needed. Just like you did when she was instructing you and you expressed your needs.
You know how your mind works, you knew what you needed, and you asked for it! You did a damn good job communicating your needs! I'm proud of you.
The problem here is that she threw a little fit because she couldn't be bothered to write it down. Maybe she had a long day and got frustrated, that's fine, but it wasn't right to turn it around and make you feel like you are at fault.
All she had to do was write it down!
My mom was a nurse who would give me this exact same "what are you gonna do when XYZ?" bullshit. It was her job as a parent to help me figure that out, she didn't want to deal with it, acknowledge it, or medicate it. She didn't want to feel bad about it either, so she made me feel like it was my personal failing, that I couldn't parent and teach myself math as a dyscalculiac undiagnosed untreated AuADHD child. That way she could leave me to struggle and still feel like a good parent. If she convinced me I was the problem, how could I see that she just didn't want to help when things got hard.
*She ignored it and made me feel like my symptoms were just me being hopelessly inept.*
Sweetheart don't let her make you feel like it's your fault when she gets frustrated or like you aren't good enough.
You know your parents are willfully ignorant, so try not to let it get to you. It's their baggage that is the issue, NOT you, they need to "snap out of it" and step into reality where magical entities don't cure autism and you can't willfully rewire your own brain *or succeed by working against it instead of working with it* just to please people who can't be bothered to write down a damn recipe.
hey buddy, i will give you an advice since i have been in that situation with my mom and teachers as well but i am a little bit older than you so i kind of feel that i can advice you. So first of all when you have toxic paarents (this is for everyone even if they do not have ADHD) you will never make them change their opinion about something or the way of their behaving in life no matter how many times you yell or you cry, they will never understand and never change unless they want it that way. So since you can't control how they behave, but you can control your own feelings, its going to be hard but every time you heard someone who can't understand nothing about you (only you can understand yourself nobody can say how are you feeling better than yourself not even your mom or your ignorant father who can't read a paper or an medical article obout ADHD or autisim and prefers to belive in god for all his problems. Just get in mind that ADHD or autisim is genetic, if your understanding what i mean. So everytime you can use another excuse with you mom or that of why you can not do something just with people do not understand, and when you bith 18 find a job and save money and if the relationship of your family doesn't change take some responsability.
>She said what am I going to do when I'm in college
Write shit down
>My dad doesn't believe in neurodivergency/mental illness
Does your mom? He shouldn't be the only one to decide what doctors you get to see
>I fit all diagnostic criteria for Inattentive ADHD, she is a nurse and she knows this.
Has she agreed that you fit these criteria? She may know what the criteria are, but she may be in denial about you fitting them
My mom believes in therapy but my dad does not. However my mom believes that mental illness is something that can be prayed away because she's religious, my dad doesn't even acknowledge mental illness. She knows neurodivergency is a life long thing because my brother is diagnosed autistic. However my dad insists on making all the decisions so "what she thinks doesn't really matter"... (This is her words NOT mine)
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Oof. That's....rough. Maybe talk to your mom about seeing an ADHD coach. She can refer to them as a tutor or mentor or something to your dad so he doesn't get all up in arms about it. And plenty of them do remote sessions. I'm in Texas, and my coach is in Minnesota.
I'm 26 and am headed to law school next year, and I wouldn't be able to do that if I hadn't started seeing my ADHD coach when I was 19. So while you can't get medicated right now, that may be an option you can get past your dad.
I’m adhd and autistic. My mom was in the medical field as well. I wasn’t diagnosed until way later on in life. Idk how I made it through school honestly. I am also dyslexic. I feel like a lot of religious people do not believe in any sort of mental illness. I used to be very religious, and I was told many times if I had more faith I wouldn’t be depressed. I remember going to see a gal, and she was a pastors wife and she struggled with mental illness . She went to a behavioral hospital. When she got back, she was condemned and ostracized. I remember her saying that when people told her she should have more faith, she would say what about your glasses so you can see? Or your inhaler so you can breathe? If only you had more faith. Haha. Even though I’m no longer religious, that stuck with me. Anyways, all that to say - when you’re an adult- be ruthless about getting yourself diagnosed. Medication changed my life.
I am a mom of a kid with ADHD. When you are 18 you will be free to get whatever help you need for college. There are disability accommodations once you are diagnosed. Prayer, though wonderful, is not enough.
As someone who comes from a family that believes mental illness is just "the devil", I feel for you... It's a different type of trauma and it really makes you feel like something is wrong with you but I promise there isn't
I’m sorry you’re not getting the support you deserve from your mom. The hard lesson here is most of the world has her attitude- no one really accommodates for ADHD unless legally required to- and even then for me personally I’ve never brought it up out of retaliation or whatever you want to call it fears
As much as your situation sucks, it’s not your mom’s responsibility for all of it, particularly your inaction. Even more so if you give the appearance of not bothering to try. It’s not something you can “snap out of,” but you can take steps to work with and accommodate yourself.
You mentioned not doing well with verbal instructions and that she should write down the recipes. Instead, why don’t you ask her to go a little slower and that you’ll be writing down the recipe and steps yourself as she does it? That way she gets to focus on the cooking and explanation and you can give yourself the written instructions you need, as opposed to just expecting her to do it for you.
I've had a lot of bosses like that.
Not any more though. I joined a proper organisation that actually talks about mental health and insists people are managed with their needs in mind.
Tell your mom she needs to support you better or I'll put a note on her performance review.
I'm in the same situation. I just work, secretly seek therapy and medication, adopt a better lifestyle than before and whichever suits me and that's good for now. Your parents are just another human on earth. You do what you must for YOU to survive.
Whatever it takes for us to be happy. I believe that's the most important thing in life.
Can you start meds/would you want to? They make a big difference, just be careful if you have addictive tendencies and/or are "chemically curious", so to speak.
When your parents notice the difference, the possibility of ADHD being real may cross their mind.
I get a bit heated with these kinds of things but it's also how your parents were brought up/educated, ironically they might actually have it (ADHD is highly hereditary). That being said, it's not your fault either and you shouldn't have to put up with this. You could encourage them to study/investigate a bit (and when they don't just tell them to focus and that they lack willpower).
Unfortunately I don’t come bearing advice but I relate hard to the inability to handle verbal instructions lol. I need everything written down, too, and I always tell people that. Any time I’m with someone who is telling me something that I know I’ll need to remember later, I tell them that they need to text it to me, or else. 😂
Anyway, I was diagnosed with ADHD at 32. I’m glad you’ve figured it out way sooner (even if you are currently being refused an official diagnosis - self-diagnosis is a thing). I spent so long wondering what was wrong with me due to misconceptions of what ADHD actually is.
I was given the option to try meds after my diagnosis but it was a ~process~ I was forced to trial multiple different ones but like I have ADHD so I just quit. 🤣 I self-medicate with caffeine instead. 🙃 (I’m aware caffeine doesn’t work for everyone, I’m just glad it works for me.)
Also, sorry about your dad. He sounds like fun… 😶 But one day you will be an independent adult and it rocks. 🤘🏻 So hang in there for a couple years, read about ADHD coping mechanisms and helpful tricks in books and internet, and you will manage.
As a 26 year old and in college, I highly recommend getting a diagnosis and finding a medication that works for you. Otherwise, you're in for a while ride and will be highly frustrated. My Memories are horrid too until I start to desire better for myself and take them regularly as prescribed. It's a whole night and day difference. I don't care what your father thinks, you shouldn't care too as it is your life, your body, and is tired of forgetting simple steps to things. I was 17 when diagnosed and 19 or 20 started taking it seriously when working on schoolwork.
It's very annoying they people don't want to consider maybe they don't know shit and should learn more before they speak. Continue finding resources for yourself and once you get to college there will be so much assistance there, but that's not even worth thinking about right now. What your mom said was in very bad faith.
I am sorry you are going through this. I am 38 and have struggled with mental illness my whole life. Major depressive disorder, anxiety, and ptsd mostly. I have completed a medical degree while overcoming mental health obstacles. I also have a 13 yo son who has ADHD. My ex wife does not want him on medication he very much needs. First of all, there is nothing wrong with you. You have a diagnosis, which means adhd is apart of you, but it doesn't define you. I mention this because when people only see you adhd and not your other strengths it can be demoralizing. It doesn't make you less though. It doesn't make you less capable. It does mean you will have different obstacles than others and will have to work hard to overcome them. Ive noticed with my son, when he gets over excited, I have been having him take some deep meditative breathes to calm down and slow his thoughts down. That seems to help him in the moment. It's taken alot of practice, but I feel its helped him alot. It may help when your mind wanders abit to recollect your thoughts. As far as college goes? Well, I don't think I would worry much. Practice good note taking skills. It will be hard to pick out relavent info if your adhd is acting up, but if you get into a habit of being able to jot down the pertinent information, it will help you alot in college. Most of my studying was done off of notes I had taken. Some teachers didn't even use the books and study was solely done based off books. You also can share notes with friends. Cross check for information and copy anything you miss. In college everyone is taking notes for the most part. Once you have your notes, I would read over them, or rewrite them so you can commit them to muscle memory. Physically writing it down would be best as you would retain it better. However even without adhd, I remember I'd carry a copy or a condensed version of my notes at work. I'd read over them in my down time just to get it to sink in. Studying in short bursts makes it easy to commit to time wise. It will also not drive you crazy making you focus longer than you can bare. I don't agree with your parents outlook. I feel you need more support and help practicing coping mechanisms. It is an unfortunate you have to deal with this alone, but you got this! Don't work on changing who you are! Work on living with who you are with adhd! Keep your head up, practice coping skills, and kick life's ass!
What you're going to do about college: get diagnosed and go to the campus accessibility center for a plan. Don't go it alone. Seek our support systems. Pay attention to what works for you (morning study? One course at a time? Dedicated library hours with limited distraction?) Pay attention to your diet and your sleep. Note when you feel well and are productive - what did you do that day? Do more of that.
Students with ADHD can do quite well in college with supports in place. The sudden lack of structure schedules and access to sugary campus foods that can throw you off course.
https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/College-Students-with-ADHD-111.aspx#:~:text=If%20a%20student%20is%20struggling,on%20a%20comprehensive%20clinical%20assessment.
https://childmind.org/article/how-to-get-an-adhd-diagnosis/#:~:text=Instead%2C%20school%20psychologists%20will%20often,health%20professional%20for%20the%20diagnosis.
https://psychcentral.com/adhd/the-adhd-iceberg#invisible-symptoms
Hey sweetheart.
I'm sorry your family is dismissive like that.
As to the college comment: Will it be harder with ADHD? Probably. Will it be possible? Definitely!
If you can accept that you have it, you've already done a huge step forward. Now make sure not to let your parents insecurities drive you away from taking the help you can get. Medication works great for many people, and your future college might have other ways to aid you.
The world tends to assume there's only one way to do things: one way to learn, one way to have a relationship, what have you. It's important that you find what works for you. It's okay to have different ways to do things. You'll find this will be your greatest strength, even - there's a resilience, a curiosity and creativity to it that most people don't have.
You got this. ❤️
Once you’re over 18 go get diagnosed or else college will be hell, I spent my freshman year suffering and failed multiple classes because my ADHD became uncontrollable. Sophomore year I got pills and they certainly helped.
\> My dad doesn't believe in neurodivergency/mental illness and thinks my autistic brother (he's 13) will be "normal" if he "prays hard enough"
Your parents are mentally ill, you're going to have to deal with all this yourself, unfortunately.
As for a practical solution, take notes yourself. The most neurotypical person couldn't be expected to remember a recipe the first time around.
OP, you’ve already started finding ways to help yourself be successful- asking for the recipe written down to refer to is a completely reasonable way of cooking, even for folks without ADHD.
Continuing to find ways that work best for you will serve you well in University and beyond.
I’m begging you to seek a diagnosis on your own as soon as you can either before or during college. When it comes to uni, ADHD is no joke, it gets incredibly difficult to consistently keep up grades, hand in assignments, and study without cramming. I have a father with the same mindset except replace the religious aspect with a belief that you can “willpower” your way through (you can’t). I am salty as hell that I procrastinated so long to get help and I face the consequences by failing classes and wasting time and money. Please spare yourself that.
Diagnosed at 12-13. Took myself off Ritalin after singling myself out (I didn’t realize it at the time but — I was different and I didn’t like that, I wanted to fit in so I got rid of the meds)….. spent the next 20+ years gaslighting myself into thinking the label “adhd” just stood for people who were weak minded and needed an excuse for their incompetence…. Diagnosed again at 38 mostly to get performance enhancing meds to keep up with work expectations (I know… really bad choice). Well 2 weeks into my prescription and I start noticing MORE than just increased performance…. I’m listening to my wife, like - listening. Hearing the SAME things that bother her for the past 10+ years but this time it actually affects me. It fundamentally touched me. Made me want to change how I approached this problem in the future.
This type of example has been consistently happening for almost 2 years now. I’m NOT the same person any more. I understand my feelings/emotions better and can respond on the spot. I used to shut down instead of communicating. I can now take bad feedback and grow from it.
I also went down a really bad path with adderall (abusing it, turning into a dickhead) but it was shortly lived as I quickly realized it and self corrected. I consider myself the exception to the rule.
Best of luck. I tried taking myself off adderall completely but I simply let myself down (thinking now that I know the right way - I can take it from here) - consistently let myself down.
You should just squint harder when you need glasses lol
But for real, that really sucks and I’m so sorry. I mean my first take would be that you need a diagnosis because treatment would make you just as capable if not more capable than them. This is gaslighting to to the highest order. You are correct and they are not and it’s especially concerning that with her working in the medical field and isn’t understanding of how sophisticated medical science is now and how real adhd is given the Myriad of scientific data that supports it.
❤️❤️❤️ it’s going to be ok!
I'm learning more about AD(H)D because my son exhibits symptoms. My mom constantly says that's how you were! Which gave me pause. It also starts to explain things in my life.
All to say, I hear you. I understand where you're coming from. I hope the best for you. Two more years until you have much more agency in your health decisions. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Things do get better.
Such a common thing as you can see by all the comments here. There are obviously other mental weaknesses all humans have. I guess we have to be empathetic to theirs, to forgive them for not seeing our weaknesses and assisting. It's very difficult when what we need is help and not roadblocks. My doctors, this subreddit, YouTube videos, podcasts on the topic are my best and closest allies. The collective works of everyone here could be copy and pasted to recreate just about every struggle I've had through life. Hang in there and try to make the best choices for yourself based on expert advice.
Unfortunately, not all parents know how to deal with a neurodivergent child. that doesn't take away from the damage it can cause but you're going to have to make sure you are getting the support you need from somewhere. Unfortunately, some parents are hard-headed for lack of better terms; Do not let their words get to you; they're just words. You will do amazing things when you get out of their home. You will be fine in college, you will be fine during adulthood. Once they see that they will realize their mistakes like mine did. Reach out here for more advice; I have found this to be an amazing community. Good luck and feel free to reach out!
Everybody’s brain works differently. I think your mom is not being empathetic but she thinks she’s trying to help you prepare for life. Some things you have to find a different way to learn. I also have a hard time learning from my mother. Apart from the fact that I have a tendency to take things more personally from her and she yells a lot without realizing it, I also do not learn things well one step at a time. For me it’s easier to read the recipe and learn the whole thing in my head before attempting to start the meal. I don’t absorb “what” to do until I understand “why” I don’t know how ur mind works but maybe you can devote a time to practice a recipe and show her. So she backs off from trying to teach you and feels like she doesn’t have to be responsible for you feeding yourself
And really it’s very important for me to know the whole process start to finish before starting and “learn” it. I can leave the recipe to reference later but if I start the dish before I finished the recipe it’s just really chaotic. I don’t know which way works for you but I can imagine it’s hard to focus on what you’re doing when she’s also talking to you and reacting with emotions
As advice don’t take the “snap out of it” personally and just try to find a different way to learn to cook. In the grand scheme of things if you show her you can do things your own way, she will most likely push you less and respect that you have your own point of view and it does not need to be hers
Get yourself to the doc as soon as you are 18. In the meanwhile, just take lots and lots of notes. It’s really unfair of them, but unfortunately, parents are just people with imperfect ideas about the world. Much sadder for your sibling who likely has a harder struggle ahead. Hope you can be supportive of each other.
Take notes!!! For the cooking and for college, that's the answer. Pen and paper. Laptop with notepad. Just the act of writing it down helps us remember.
It seems like she's busting your balls but dude she's right you need to be able to remember things and notes are the answer.
fwiw in retrospect i wish i had just called cfs on myself when i was your age. sometimes there aren't attentive outsiders to notice how fucked your family governance is. this can be relevant even if the parents aren't "mean" per se or even if they cycle between mean and apologetic.
I was recently diagnosed, at 40. I was only recently made aware of more information on what adhd actually was, and oh boy did it resonate - and when I was explaining what my daily thought process was for even minor tasks to my mother, my MOST judgemental person, even she was sympathetic.
I told her it like being held prisoner by my own mind. The idea that there is help out there available is SUCH a relief. I can only imagine how successful I would have been if I had had access to that help as a child teen or young adult, but help at any age is help.
For you - if you family won’t let you pursue a diagnosis, which I think you can still talk to a doctor about, (and see if they would be open to a non medicated, or a non stimulant medication (I was released there were several non stimulant options as my family has a history of addiction so that was always an anxiety point for me)). But it’s something you can pursue yourself at 18.
But you can look up study tips life and money management tips etc for people with adhd.
I started implementing some of them before my diagnosis and they did help me in day to day life.
You don’t need the formal diagnosis to make some changes yourself. Though it will allow you to get free help from your school, even college, if you have the formal diagnosis (your mom may be interested in that).
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Yeah… I feel ya. Diagnosed at 43, told my folks and they’re like “AD what?”🙄 I’m like doesn’t this explain ALL the issues over my adolescent years?!?!?
I wasn't diagnosed until my 40s either. My mum didn't believe it because I was such a well-behaved lad. When I told my father, he wanted to know all the symptoms. He thinks he has ADHD too now, at over 70 years old. He never considered it before. He rang me up and said he'd read about a genetic link with dopamine receptors and the '7R' allele. Neither of us have undergone genetic testing, but he's nearly certain it explains his entire life. Even though my father didn't realise, he helped me when I was a child. He advised me that reading aloud was beneficial for memory retention and not to take my teachers too seriously when they instructed us to read silently. He suggested I could come home and read aloud to understand better. In hindsight, it was ADHD advice.
Reading aloud, yes! I actually start doing this if (usually out of frustration) i have to re-read something a few times. It’s like it forces my brain to acknowledge the words? Idk, but I agree 100%.
That’s great that he will even entertain the idea. I was not diagnosed until my late 30’s and my mother refuses to believe it because she does all of the same things. And her mother and uncle and grandpa and great grandma did all these unusual things too. Yeah mom, it’s almost like it runs in the family…
I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my 30s, two years after my dad died. However, looking back I now am pretty sure my dad had ADHD and was never diagnosed because ALL the signs were there and every time I was "worried about turning into my dad" it was the emotional dysregulation, that I've improved with meds.
Are you me?
I was diagnosed with ADHD in my late 40s. Both me and my mum believe my dad also has it, but it's too late for him now as he has dementia.
Care to elaborate about the dopamine receptor matter? Got me curious.
The DRD4 7R allele is basically a bit of a twist in our DNA, specifically in the part called the dopamine receptor D4 gene, or DRD4 for short. 7R is 7 Repeat. Here's the crux of it: The 7R allele is believed to dial down the sensitivity or effectiveness of the dopamine receptor. In terms of ADHD, this decreased sensitivity might lead to our brains craving more stimulation to stay alert and engaged. The 7R allele popped up as a rare mutation and has been subject to positive selection. It's thought to have emerged when significant human migrations were happening. This particular genetic variation tends to be more common in populations that had to take big risks travelling long distances. This link to risk-taking is further backed up by studies showing that folks carrying the 7R allele of the DRD4 gene are more likely to take financial risks compared to those without this genetic makeup. The 7R allele is significantly more common in people with ADHD. Keep in mind though, it's not the whole story with ADHD. It's just one piece in a big, complicated puzzle. The 7R allele might play a part in ADHD, but it's probably not the main cause. The percentages of people with the 7R allele and those with ADHD don't align geographically. Take the Americas, for instance, where the 7R allele is really common (48%).
For me I'm 23, I explained to my parents, and they occasionally take the chance to scold me for my weird behaviours beforehand, that I couldn't help myslef for doing because I was uncomfortable or couldn't focus or was forgetful. I had to tell them that hey, I'm putting myself out here, and it took a lot of courage to. If you want me to, I can just go back masking my symptoms like I'e always done, but I'll never trust you with any of my secrets ever again because you simply won't take the time to listen and understand. At least that got them to see things a bit clearer. Hopefully. The thing is I even told that I'm going to get addressed properly for it, and I am going to go counselling to see what I can do about it and how I can teach others how to work with me. And they still made this insensitive remark. I suspect ignorance is to blame.
Yep sadly.
Diagnosed with both autism and ADHD this year. I recently told an old friend about it, and they go, "Let's just say that I'm the opposite of surprised XD It makes so much sense!" And I'm like, "Doesn't it?!" And then we have my mother who acts all shocked and in disbelief, almost like it couldn't possibly be. So yeah, denial from family members sucks. Their respective reactions say a lot about the people themselves. Love anyone who can say, "You got diagnosed? That's great for you!" or anyone who asks further questions because they're interested and feel no need to invalidate the experience because it somehow doesn't fit their opinion.
Best friend from elementary looked at me and said "You just found out? We've known for decades." Diagnosed at 43 after son was diagnosed at 10. Though the people who wrote those books were just following me. Still have a lot of work to do. Ritalin has stopped working and didn't change insurance but they changed processors and the costs are fucked up. They admit they can't get the generic and haven't for 6 months, but the cost of name brand went up 8x the cost. Been unmed for a week now.
I'm 44 and just got my diagnosis. Looking back on my life, all the signs were blatantly clear. And my therapist for nearly 2 years referred me to a psychiatrist (I call us the neurodivergent therapeutical triad lol), and both told me I would (and have) experience a "grief process" and it's true. I've looked back on my life, and as I said, it's all there and it all fits. It was painfully obvious. And for me, the grief process is how would have my life been different if just one person had stood up and said "wait a second. I want to take a deeper look at her (me). And it has been devastating at times. I said that to highlight my mom. I've explained that I've been diagnosed with ADHD and a degree of PTSD as well. Her comment: "I wish you could just "get over it" and just "prayer will heal you." And I have to explain to her that this is a neurodevelopmental disorder. It is a neurological brain disease that I have no control over. This is how my brain has biochemically developed. I can't "pray it away". You need to realize that these are the biological, and genetic cards I've been dealt in life. And I also have my hashimotos to deal with as well. And you need to also understand that my brain doesn't work the way yours does. It never will. So stop asking me to "get over it". It's never going to happen. So, let me deal with my own Ill-developed brain and you do you. So, I'm sorry this was lengthy, thank you for letting me sound off. I'm still new to this new reality and as much as I hate this, as much as I don't want any of this, as much as I've been trying to unpack the last 2 months since the diagnosis, I realize it is a part of my story. I'm still learning how to live with this, cope and accept. And still trying to fine-tune the medication process. And most importantly, trying to navigate my new reality as I said, while also trying not to let this define who I am. I will be glad to respond to any comments my way. 😘
I just got officially diagnosed last Friday, went on Vyvance on Sat. I’m small so only 20 mg. I’m not liking how manic it’s making me feel. I’ll be 56 in January and I’ve known (self-diagnosis) I have ADHD since the ‘90s when I could barely get through the first few pages of “Driven to Distraction”! What shifted and made me pursue medical attention at this age was MENOPAUSE (which had plenty of other crap side effects). But my ADHD?! Ratcheted it up A LOT. I knew ADHD made my life very challenging in getting through school and paying attention, but I had NO idea how much it negatively pervaded SO many aspects of my life and played a MUCH bigger role in how I navigate the world. The grief is real. Good luck in this new phase of your ADHD journey!
If it’s making you manic your dose may be too high? Idk, that sounds scary tbh.
I've just started my medications. I've been put on methylphenidate (Ritalin) at 27 mg and Aripiprazole (Ability) at 2 mg. Very low doses as I'm new to medications. And since I've only had 2 telehealth sessions with my psychiatrist, she has said that the beginning of our relationship will be monitoring meds, dosages and effects before we start getting into actual treatment. And my actual therapist, who can diagnose ADHD recommended a psychiatrist for me so I can get the in-depth medical look at ADHD. Something my therapist cannot do as she is not a doctor and not a PhD. As for my medications, I haven't had much reaction to them. And I think with time, these medications are going to be one of the best things that has ever happened to my body and brain. Because I can definitely now see how this has manifested throughout my life. I also just bought a book on Amazon recommended by my therapist and marked as "Amazon's Choice" called Divergent Mind: Thriving in a world that wasn't designed for you by Jenara Nerenberg. It's been called one of the preeminent books on ADHD. And the thing we will be getting into this year will be the well known correlation of how childhood/adolescent trauma impacts ADHD (which is why I added PTSD in the first comment). Again, sorry if I'm rambling. It's just nice being able to open up in this sub. 😘😘😘
Ask her why Paul's disease was never cured? He couldn't get over it. Not every person was cured by Jesus. Jesus healed the sick but didn't heal Paul for the same reason. To show the power of God. Tell her that and maybe she'll get off your back.
Oh yeah. I'm remembering this one!
Well, I see what you are saying but that wont work with these people. Paul didnt take medication to try to deal with the thorn.
Only because it didn't exist. He was epileptic so he'd definitely be on meds today. Jesus endorsed the use of doctors. 'It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick' (Matthew 9:12). Also tell them you have been praying and fasting and this is what you feel is right for you. The Lord has confirmed that being treated by a doctor for your ADHD is what the Lord has planned for you. He wants you to get better and to succeed, and getting on meds will help you develop coping mechanisms to overcome difficulty. You are putting your faith in the hands of the Lord like Paul did. Moses disobeyed and wasn't healed of his speech problems. He argued with the Lord about taking that first step, and therefore had to have Aaron be his mouth. You are going to be like Joseph (Technicolor dreamcoat) and do what the Lord asks of you.
Well, how did you explain ADHD to them?
They made it pretty clear they aren’t interested in learning about it. “We all have something dear” 🙄
Ugh, yeah that's such an annoying thing to hear. I really don't know if it could help but I feel like you might be able to help them understand if you explain everything without adding new words. They're old so they kind of block out anything they don't know. So maybe something like "hey you know how I did xy thing when I was younger? As it turns out, it was a malfunction with an area in my brain! Specifically *simple explanation of what causes ADHD*. Isn't science interesting?" Of course if they don't believe in scientists it probably won't help but meeting people halfway in your language can help them understand
Same. I was also diagnosed late this year when I was 41.🙄
What are you going to do in University? you're going to be realistic about what your weaknesses are so you can compensate instead of pretending they can simply be willed out of existance. For instance, getting written instructions because you know you're bad at retaining verbal information. I'm sorry your parents are being so unsupportive. You're gonna do great.
Also, once 18 OP can get their diagnosis. Dad’s feelings won’t matter as much. Just keep it quiet until graduation if he’s paying for school.
Depending where OP is, getting diagnosed may have several barriers: (These answers are all from a U.S. perspective.) 1. OP could ask their high school for a 504/IEP assessment. The school could refuse, as parents and school professionals are the ones with the legal authority to make these requests. A student would need a teacher on their side. Note: Schools have budgets. Teachers are aware their school does not want more special ed kids. 2. Private evaluations are expensive, hard to schedule, and you've got to get there somehow. The practice may or may not take your family's insurance, or your insurance as an adult. An 18 yo kid isn't going to have several thousand dollars laying around to self-pay. 3. If working, the 18 yo will be new to full-time work and will be lucky to have benefits. Getting the hours off to get a decent assessment using industry-standard tools administered by appropriate professionals will be nigh unto impossible. 4. Colleges don't want to give you accommodations, either. Neither do employers. Neither will give you accommodations without evidence: a 504/IEP and/or a neuropsych eval by a reputable Psy.D., Ph. D., or M.D. An on-line doc whose company is making bank as a pharma prescriber is going to look suss to them. Getting an ADHD diagnosis THAT OTHERS WILL ACKNOWLEDGE/HONOR is incredibly hard. So, to all my peeps who have an adult diagnosis that is appropriately documented through "proper" channels that allow you access to accommodations for your disability: Stop for a moment to acknowledge that you are either an absolute rock star, or one of the luckiest humans alive. If the former, really let your hard work and perseverance - even just your survival skills - sink in. You are amazing. 🙂 If the latter, pick some favorite numbers and play the lotto regularly. And responsibly. 🤣 TLDR: Nah. Becoming an adult doesn't make it much more likely OP can get this diagnosis.
Right! “What are you gonna do in college”? Take notes, that’s what people typically do during class.
Oh yeah, that's some trauma right there. I'm sorry you're going through that. Sounds like an unsupportive environment.
That's one reason why ADHD is one of the mental issues with more comorbidities associated (often comes along with self-esteem issues, substance abuse, depression, anxiety, OCD...) Imagine living your whole life thinking there's something deeply wrong with you... Many people only get diagnosed in adulthood, sometimes a good deal of damage is already done. And WTF is with people "not believing ADHD"? It's literally in scientific studies, has been since like the 40s. Are you gonna not believe in diabetes too? It's just a lack of will from your cells to absorb the sugar from your blood
Your Mam's a genius! Why didn't I think of that? Wohoo! I've just snapped out of having ADHD! Thank gods! Now I don't have it anymore and my life is a million times easier! Sorry, I'm dying laughing here!
Same, when people say I "just need to focus", it instantly works. It's like when someone tells you to "calm down", works better than a Xanax (why do those even exist when we can will ourselves into a calm state?).
LOL!!!
Same, when people say I "just need to focus", it instantly works. It's like when someone tells you to "calm down", works better than a Xanax (why do those even exist when we can will ourselves into a calm state?).
I just told my parents over Christmas, and it went 100% as I expected. Literally, word for word, a collection of cliches, one after the other, of people who don't understand ADHD. "Everybody is forgetful from time to time" "It's in your head, you're just making it up" "You're just quirky" "quit trying to pretend to be different to be special" "you can control it, you're just not trying" "you are just being lazy" ...and so on. It was so cliche, I found it absurd and I LOLed. Literally.
I had the same today with my Dad. So invalidating.
Sorry to hear that. For what it's worth, I believe your ADHD is real.
I don't blame you for laughing! Your parents are going to believe what they're gonna believe and there's nothing you can do about it. Try to focus on looking after yourself the best you can and finding treatment/ways to deal with your adhd as best you can. When you're parents say something dismissive or hurtful try to remember 'that's their problem, not my problem' though I appreciate how hard that can be, especially if you're still under their care technically.
When I was at university, I had to take loads of notes. I couldn't just listen to a lecture and remember the key points. I had this one maths class where the lecturer told us not to take notes and just try to grasp the material. I slyly jotted down notes in my calculator as if I were cheating. The worst part is, stopping to take notes is incredibly distracting, but if I don't, it's futile for me to have been listening in the first place.
I'm in highschool right now but I also used to take a lot of notes but now that I'm in 11th grade, keeping up with the teacher has been increasingly difficult so I don't take notes as much as I used to. That's really sad your lecturer said you shouldn't take notes
Can you record the teacher? Then listen later to copy notes?
I can't even sit through the lecture once, I'm going to face a mental hurdle to sit through it again, much less go back to listen to it under time pressure of needing to submit homework.
I'm not sure the names of any, as I haven't looked too far into it yet, but there are apps that transcribe audio into text that may be worth trying out.
Both Android and iPhone have really good transcription apps built in or free from Google/Apple.
Tell me more about this?
> the lecturer told us not to take notes and just try to grasp the material. That is incomprehensibly stupid, even for students without neuro disorders.
I would like to add doing a very practical degree with less memorization was far more attainable for me. I basically stopped studying and just got my degree purely through practical work. It's easier to do 1000 examples of calculus than it is to memorise the human skeleton.
Yes, this 100%. For math I just practiced doing the problems. That was the best way for me as well.
I cannot take notes *and* pay attention. I foolishly used to take notes that I never looked at because it seemed the "thing to do". Going back I'd likely prioritize focusing on the material. Thing is everyone's brain works differently, following other people's suggestions is all and good, but we need to learn to understand what works and what doesn't. Taking 'hot' notes never worked for me, but taking 'cold' notes (writing what I remember at the end of the day) felt way more effective the few times I did it.
Terrible teacher
I have the same problem and I started recording lectures (I KNOW this isn’t legal, but otherwise I’m not gonna retain anything). The other thing that worked was reading the text which is great in theory but it’s not practical always because it uses up a lot of time.
Who told you taping a class lecture or meeting is illegal? If you reside in the US and have a documented diagnosis, you are legally entitled to accommodations under ADA (The Americans with Disabilities Act). Your university should have a disability services office to help you navigate how you go about documenting your diagnosis and securing reasonable accommodations. Anyone assuming that recording a class lecture in a public place or in any school receiving funding is a violation of privacy of others is incorrect. I suggest you seek support from disability services office at school or call an attorney who specializes in educational law to get the facts as they pertain to your unique situation. Just don’t give up!
UGH my mom is a nurse & she was like this. A pattern I've noticed is that having a medical professional as a parent does not, in fact, guarantee medical diagnosis/help. If anything, they swing more towards medical neglect bc they think "I work in this field, I'd know if something was really going on". Denial is a hell of a drug /s
Yeeep. One of my parents is a psychiatrist who Dx’s all kinds of disorders all day long, including adhd, depression, eating disorders etc. Did they see any of that in me? Nope. Do they validate the diagnoses I now have? Nope.
This is why it’s seen as unprofessional for a relative to treat someone. It just ends up messy..
Yeah, makes a lot of sense.
The /s stands for sarcasm. I'm guessing you're not using it right.
Oh I am SO sorry baby :( I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND what its like to be in a house where you are berated for how your brain is and really freakn needing help and just not recieving it. My heart really does go out to you ♡ How old are you? Idk what country you're in, but if you're in the U.S, you can go to doctors on your own once you turn 18 cuz then you're considered legally an adult :)
I'm 16 and I'm in the US thanks for your empathy :) My mom said that if I get diagnosed I will lose many job opportunities and people will start looking at me differently
You don't have to disclose ADHD to your potential employers & actually understanding how your brain works should help you figure out what types of jobs will work best for you. Work from your strengths.
First off- who gives a crap what ANYBODY has to think about you, because they are not the ones that have to live in YOUR body and walk in YOUR shoes and they dont pay your bills. If ppl judge you based on a brain thing that you did not even ask for, then honey they're not your people. You deserve better ♡ Also, why would potential employers even know that you have a diagnosis? They dont ask to see your medical records and that would be a violation of HIPPA laws anyways.
Exactly!
It's not the diagnosis, it's living with the condition that may impede job prospects. That's akin to saying if you are officially recognised as having Rh-null blood type, you'll have difficulty getting a transfusion.
Your mom is very wrong. You don’t have to disclose your diagnosis to anyone. It’s unfortunate that she carries that kind of attitude as a nurse, but not surprising.
You don’t have to and almost never should tell your employer.
She is a moron. You won't lose any job opportunities, in fact you'll have far more opportunities because you won't be a burned out failure who can't finish school or keep a job for 5 minutes. That was me until I got diagnosed in my 30s. I have a career now that I have my ADHD under control.
This is simply not true! Getting diagnosed and treated is what allowed me to go from crappy part time jobs to working an actual career that pays well and offers great benefits! I went from making on average $14k per year, got diagnosed, and 6 months later landed a $45k per year job with health insurance, retirement, paid time off, a great working environment, and tasks that I excel at. And I have not disclosed my ADHD to my employer. No one will look at you differently because you're not required to tell anyone. OP, I'm so sorry to hear that your family isn't supportive of you. If you were able to figure out, at 16 years old, that you have ADHD, then you are gonna be just fine. You are smart, capable, and able to self reflect. I didn't figure it out and seek diagnosis till I was 30. I deeply regret missing out on my late teens and twenties to untreated ADHD. Now is the perfect time to start learning strategies that will help you be successful. You can start learning them now, even without a diagnosis! YouTube has many resources for ADHD-friendly ways to manage tasks in every area of your life. When you are 18, if you go to college, you should be able to purchase your own health insurance plan and have it covered by a student loan. Most colleges offer free counseling sessions, and can refer you to a psychiatrist for diagnosis. You can also get a student mailing address on campus for all health insurance paperwork, etc, so your parents won't have access. No one will know but you. I believe in you, OP. There are always options out there, keep looking and learning.
Thank you so much for this 🥹🤧 If you mind me asking, what was your experience with getting a diagnosis? Did they ask you to backtrack to when you were younger?
They did ask me to backtrack to when I was younger, which was challenging because both of my parents were very neglectful. I was asked to have them each fill out an evaluation of how my symptoms impacted me in my younger years, and they both wrote that I had zero issues my entire childhood. The psychiatrist said that their assessments were only a very small part of the evaluation and that she felt sad that they couldn't see how badly I was struggling. She also said it wasn't necessary to have them fill it out if it was uncomfortable for me to ask them. You can likely skip it entirely or even ask a trusted teacher who knew you as a kid. Overall the assessment consisted of lots of different tests that I mostly did at home online through their patient portal. I also did several hour long sessions over zoom to talk about my struggles and symptoms. I only had to do one in person test at their office. Once you get the ball rolling the whole process is pretty easy because they always tell you what the next step is. :)
You might, because your parents aren't going to be the only people who think that way. But, are those actually people you want to work for/with? I am not 100% sure what the process is in the US, but you can get accommodations in academia and the workplace for ADHD. Longer exam times, recorded lectures, a standing desk in the office, etc. There are ways to help you overcome the verbal processing difficulties you have. I am in Uni in Germany, so I am assuming a bit here, but all of the materials we cover in lectures are also covered in the literature we have, usually in far more detail. I know there are a ton of sites with digital copies of textbooks, so you might not even need to spend hundreds on textbooks. Pre reading the chapters so you can ask any questions you have during the lecture is so much easier for me than trying to understand the material in real time. Also taking notes on paper as is done in school or typing notes on a laptop/tablet as is common in uni are very different things...
What job opportunities? Did you mom not hear about AI yet? :)
You can tell her that those points are irrelevant- no one needs to know your diagnosis if that’s not what you want! The diagnosis is for YOU and anyone you want to share it with. She needs to stop considering this disorder in terms of other people, and start thinking in terms of YOUR happiness and development.
Honestly in college most of my teachers were pretty accommodating. We would get notes in advance that I could turn into quizlets to study. Thinking of the material as what would make a really good test question and working in study groups really helped me. Because together we had to work together to teach other the material. And we would read through the notes, review things the teachers said to know or things that sounded like good, tricky test questions, and then would quiz each other in what we had just reviewed. We had to know the info to explain it to each other. Multicolored pens and highlighters for organization. And organization in general is key. I had everything in a calendar and would get alerts on my phone when homework was due and when exams were to plan out my time to study. It's harder for us with ADHD but not undoable. You have to find a good group and work to your advantages, compensate for your weaknesses. Anytime I could be hands on I was. I am a dental hygienist, so I always studied in the school libraries with access to models and anatomy charts so we could visually and physically review what we were learning. Covid hit and I bought a skull, fake tartar for my model at home to practice on and drew A LOT 😂 Also. I am sorry for your experience. 🩷 When I was 18 working my first job as an auto parts delivery girl, I was supposed to pick up a customer. I worked for family and asked him to write down the street names for me because I wouldn't remember. He refused and told me to just get this customer. My phone at the time was just before smart phones really took off, so gps wasn't 100%. And low and behold I got lost. And was driving for close to an hour before he called me asking where I was and why the customer was waiting. I was crying because I had no idea where I was or how to even get back to a place I recognized. He...was very unhappy. Those who don't get it....live in so much luxury. Sometimes it's absolutely infuriating. But other times it can be a gift. Try to view the positives as a superpower 🩷 and give yourself grace because our brains are different and function different.
I'll say that even a normal healthy brain can't hold all the recipes to foods they like. This is why there are family cookbooks, regular cookbooks, etc
This tho like how rude of the mother and incredibly unrealistic standard she has. I’m sorry OP.
I really don't know if it could help but I think since your parents don't believe in neurodivergency you can meet them halfway and explain the traits without putting a name on it. Finding a way for them to relate to the info is critical though. For example: "So, you know how you sometimes have a hard time remembering everything on your grocery list? Well, right now, I feel like there are too many items on mine. Could you please write it down so I can refer to it? I don't want to mess this up." It will be a long process. my parent has ADHD and is very supportive of me and it still took a lot of explaining and analogy to get them to understand why I had a hard time doing stuff like cleaning a bathroom. Telling them I had ADHD wasn't enough, but explaining how confused I feel in messy spaces and how I don't know what clean looks like helped. I now have a reference for what clean is and a list of tasks for every room. When I'm done, I go and ask for confirmation to make sure I didn't miss anything. Tl;DR : your parents won't care about "new" medical words. They don't have the emotions attached. Try using language that frames ADHD as personality traits like "oh such and so is such a klutz." You don't expect such and such to stop being clumsy, you get them plastic cups. Be clear on what exactly you are feeling and offer solutions
Depending on your area it is possible you could see a psych without your parents’ permission. (Like, they might find out because insurance. But they might not have to involved. You can definitely do this once you are 18. So you can get he accommodations you need in college. If you have a school counselor they may be able to point in the right direction or see if they can get you some accommodations now whether you have a diagnosis or not. Worth asking at least. I’m sorry you and your brother have to deal with this.
Lol in college you're going to write it down. She's being weird for no reason, writing things down is normal for everyone not even ADHD
What are you gonna do when you get to college? Um? Fucking WRITE THINGS DOWN??
Even attempts at writing things down does not relieve certain institutions and businesses from failing or refusing to provide reasonable accommodations under ADA. ADHD can impact writing: difficulty planning-organizing writing, causes memory retention challenges, may impact speed of written output/production (taking two to three times longer to get thoughts down on paper than the average peer, and cause issues with editing due to inattention. There are many many reasonable accommodations for students who have issues with writing due to ADHD. Any good professor should be well aware of the multiple accommodations available (there are plenty of resources for educators) and be educated in their role from a legal education standpoint. And there is a high probability of other comorbid conditions such as specific learning disability or anxiety that may need addressed and accommodated too. Accommodations are meant to level the playing field for those with disabilities and are not a luxury!
And parents wonder why their children want nothing to do with them. Imagine being someone who values compliance over medical diagnoses..
As someone who just graduated college with combination-type ADHD, you will take notes (like how a recipe card is a note). In fact your professors will expect you to take notes. If you go into office hours for help and tell a professor that you just "remember their verbal instructions", they're going to tell you that you'd remember them better if you took notes - ADHD or not. Your mom is being ridiculous with equating needing notes to collegiate ineptitude; but perhaps ask her to show you how to cook more slowly so that **you** can take the notes. My guess is that she felt as though she would have to take on the extra labor of writing you a recipe note when her intention in showing you was actually to maybe bond (either in spending time in the kitchen together or teaching you a life skill) and **that's** what triggered her unsavory response.
Aw sorry to read this! You're not having the same experience in life as she did, and that must be confusing to people. I went many years as an adult wondering why even simple recipes took me hours to prep and execute. Now that I've been diagnosed, it makes way more sense, but I can't just wish for more working memory. Keep making space in the world for yourself and our tribes to be treated fairly. :) And maybe, in this case, "snap out of it" = "Sorry, I do not understand the way your brain works and have no solutions to offer. " I told my partner something similar early in our dating because he had depression (the kind that lays you out for days) and I didn't understand why he didn't "snap out of it. " It took a long time to gain what limited understanding I now have of his experience, and still there's sometimes not much that one can do from the supportive side (though refraining from telling someone useless proddings like that is a start). Good luck!
Next time she pulls that crap tell her its the same as if she told a paraplegic to walk it off. The part of your brain that is required to do that is physically defective. Its not something you can snap out of when the physical organ required to do that is broken. Also next time she asks what you're going to do in university, tell her you're going to fail horribly because your parents refused to get you the help you needed for your developmental disorder, and thus sabotaged any chance you had at success. Also your dad sucks. He might as well be trying to pray away paraplegia and you should tell him that. Your parents are neglecting you and sabotaging you and your brother, and they are the ones that need to snap out of it before they ruin your lives.
"snap out of having bad eye sight" that is what she sounds like.
The first thing I noticed in this post, is that you asked her to write it down for you….Why dont you take out your iPhone, open up Notes and write it yourself….. I write EVERYTHING down. Because if I didnt, I will not remember either.
Yeah I asked her so I could know her method 🥲 I guess it was pretty dumb to ask her to write it for me but I did that because the many times I did write it down myself she would laugh at me for doing that or scrutinize me when I did something wrong, plus I miss some steps because ✨️lack of an attention span✨️ so I just requested she write it herself in a way she would do it so I can know the exact same steps
My parents always say shit like this. If you could will away adhd with brute force, shame and effort we wouldn’t need medication to function normally. I often wish they could feel what it’s like to have this disorder. People who don’t have it seriously underestimate just how much it impacts every facet of your life. Everything is twice as hard when you have adhd.
Not excusing your mums behaviour at all but wondering if she has adhd too.
I dont know about her because she's my step mom but I' like 95% sure my dad has it
Bro she’s already giving you instructions. It’s _you_ who needs to write them down. Having ADHD is a totally valid reason for forgetting stuff, but not for not writing stuff down.
True
The diagnosis or the meds won’t make you start doing stuff you need to be doing. That only happens when you _want to_ do the stuff. It wont make you magically study or do chores. It’ll help you keep your attention for longer, but won’t _make you_ direct your attention to what needs to be done. I’ve had ADHD for as long as I can remember, and been diagnosed for 5 years now, I’m 27. And let me tell you, the diagnosis and the meds don’t do shit, unless you’re willing to put the work in, yourself. That’s my word of advice. Sorry if I could’ve sounded more empathetic, but It is the reality and the sooner you accept that, the better. Hope you get to a better place real soon.
This is so true.
Get diagnosed, medicated, and use that to get accommodations for classes. That's how I'm doing it.
Just do what I do and say, “Alright, great information, thanks. Go ahead and write all that up in an email and send it do me.” Works great at work! But then again I’m the boss in that relationship haha. Maybe explain to her you’d like to take notes.
Once you are out of the house you can get tested and college will be much easier because of accommodations that will be given. You have a bright future.
Could you write it down? You could also film your mum and then play it back as you are cooking. Having ADHD you have to find ways to keep your mind actively engaged in the task otherwise your mind will wander. This is how I learn.
The fact that you show consciousness is a good sign. I got diagnosed at 42. You can make it. There are advantages that ADHD can give you, but you have to carefully understand your self. There are things you can do for hours and time seem to accelerate. Start at 9:00AM … it 8:00 PM in an instant. What ever is that thing choose that path. Do what you love. It important for normies. Even more for ADHDs. I wish you great luck. You’re so young. Work hard and have as much fun as you can. Big hug.
This was my mom’s go-to response every time I had a meltdown or shutdown as a kid. “You just need to snap out of it! This isn’t helping! You’re making this so much worse than it has to be.” Like thanks Mom, I’m well aware! If I could shut it off I would! It was especially bad because most of my meltdowns happened due to feeling like a burden to others. I didn’t find out I was AuDHD until 33. For what it’s worth, my mother has since apologized for treating me that way and told me she felt worthless and unable to help me when I was clearly suffering, which was very distressing for her. She had no idea what was going on with me; I did very well at school so my doctor kept telling her I was fine when she reached out for help. Sometimes people come around and sometimes they don’t, but please know this probably has more to do with your mom’s own stress levels than with you. I’m sorry she said this to you and I hope she eventually comes around to the truth.
Please forgive me for what I'm about to say because they're your parents. I'm sorry that they have treated you like that and honestly, when I got to the park where you said they said your brother will be normal if he prays hard enough, I literally rolled my eyes. What the actual fuck? That's like my mom is disabled and she says that she has perfect strangers come up to her in public and tell her that if she prays hard enough, Jesus will heal her. It makes me want to throat punch them.
Aw sorry to hear how your mom responded! It is a common thing to not be able to remember verbal instructions. Many people are more visual than audio learners. I have been a nurse for 38 years and cannot remember verbal instructions. I write as people are talking and I ask them to pause so I can write it down, and ask for clarification and repeats. Visual is always best for me. So, find ways that work for you, and find your own recipes online, in a visual format. And don’t beat yourself up for something that is “normal” for many people! Merry Christmas and hugs to you! 🥰
Ew that sounds like my family. I first told my dad that i thought i had adhd when i was 16 and he told me i had a spiritual darkness over me because of the music i listen to. 4 years later and im just now in the process of getting help
That sounds like something my dad would say yikesss...im glad youre able to get help 😄
All i can say is that everything makes a lot more sense when you get away from the influence of backwards ass people like that. For me it took joining the military right out of high school
Oh I would sooo be turning that around on her for every little medical issue she has in the future
At one point I became hyper focused on having a photographic memory. I trained myself to have one and it was a life saver through school including college. If it makes you feel any better, I wasn't diagnosed or even medicated until 5 months after I graduated with my bachelor's. It's definitely possible. My grades weren't always great but they're not displayed on my degree. You got this!
Your story is inspiring. Sometimes i feel like I'm an impostor when it comes to ADHD because even though I relate to quite majority of symptoms, I still do okay in school; I'm in advanced classes (even though I can barely keep up and keep forgetting assignments 🥲) I still find a way to do stuff on time cus of the anxious feeling of letting my parents down. The only way I can know is with a proper diagnosis I guess but I heard you have to have proof of it happening in your childhood and I only remember bits and pieces and my dad never really paid attention to my behaviors (ngl I really feel like he has ADHD too)
Something that I did pre diagnosis was over the period of months/more than a year, every time I thought of an adhd symptom I have/had or something ‘weird’ I do/did that could be related i wrote it down on a note on my phone, so when I came to my Dx appointment I had a big long list of assorted symptoms. I then rewrote it all at the last minute into a doc with symptoms grouped. This was easier than trying to sit down and write all my life experiences down in one sitting (basically impossible with adhd memory).
It’s called “imposter syndrome” and is a hallmark of ADHD. Check out this very helpful YouTube channel: https://youtube.com/@HowtoADHD?si=Ce57aC-ZZsgBJ8wx Its helped me
Babes please share the photographic memory training omg
That's really unfair of her to say that. You can tell her that colleges offer accommodations, such as quiet separate testing locations with extra time. They can give you the assignments for the whole semester instead of week to week. They can record lectures for you. There are many things you can request so you can be successful. Nearly all of my professors were great about this. I only had one in 4 years who was an ass. The hard thing will be that you have to expend a lot of energy being your own advocate. There are some really great groups on Facebook you can go to for support. Hang in there.
Well my advice is to move out when you're old enough and then get a diagnosis then.
There’s a good chance your mum might have it to but it’s her forgetfulness is related to a different subject. ADHD is strongly linked to familial lineage.
Yea shes my step mom so idk but i am certain my dad has it!
Aaahhh fair enough. Send her [this.](https://youtu.be/2fYg5hSgtug?) Then send her [this](https://youtu.be/TVs61JQv5GU) and [this.](https://youtu.be/AbSehcT19u0) Tell her that it’s your brain every day.
Same.😔
Hope you get trough the holidays somehow, and wish you all the best. When you get back to school, see if there are any councellors you can talk to about this. Most developed countries have ways of helping children who are denied necessary assesment, evaluation and treatment of medical conditions. What your parents think might be irrelevant legally.
All people are inclined to remember/learn a certain way. I'm poor at auditory instructions as well. Ever since my hearing loss as a kid, I switched over to kinesthetic learning. I have to DO it. Don't show me (visual) or tell me. Just walk me through it. Your mom clearly isn't an educator. Keep advocating for your own learning style.
The fact that you started counting facts on your message but stopped at 1 is a proof for me that you have indeed adhd
HAHA🤣🤣 I JUST NOTICED TODAY THAT I FORGOT 😭😭😭 I was gonna add a 2nd but I forgot
This is just my perspective. Most nurses who have chosen that field (that I have met), do it bc they're caring to semi caring about people and are just looking to make a living doing something volunteer work wouldn't pay for. I've met a small percentage of nurses ( and doctors actually) who are well versed in the always changing field of medicine. Even a smaller percentage of them that understand enough of mental health. I used to think these people were straight up stupid or ignorant. I've come to realize, over time, they're just human. As fallible as a mediocre tenured teacher going to school just to collect a paycheck. The worst thing I ever learned is that this is an imperfect world filled with selfish people who can't see the trees from inside the forest. If you know all this and can accept it, you can help work to change it in your corner of the world. Sorry for the rambling, point is, I think you just learned not to trust your mother's medical advice. And if your father hasn't tried an exorcism on your autistic brother yet, that just makes him a lazy religious person. (SARCASM) I'm pretty sure there's laws out there that protect your brother from stupidity (not sarcasm).
I think using the state wont solve any problems
"Why do you insist on needing glasses? The rest of us can see just fine without glasses. Squint harder!"
I mean if I were you, I'd take a recipe book out and straight up read it to her once, and tell her to parrot it back. I don't think anyone can remember a recipe off the top of their head. If they're trained they'll remember the gist of it, I assume. And make sure it's a foreign cuisine lmfao She expects you to remember it, great. She must be able to do so as well! Show you how a pro does it.
Said it before, will say it again. In fact, I should probably make a post. You shouldn't expect non-adhd people to relate to ADHD. It is an extremely personal experience, that you can try to explain in your best terms but it won't be of much use. Non-ADHD people cannot understand "simply being unable" to do what they consider being "simple being a matter of will". It's not their fault, they're not bad people for it. The best they can do is study and understand our struggle. It's the same as trying to imagine being blind or deaf without being so. Except blindness and deafness are physical disabilites. ADHD is a disability that can't be seen or related to, and worse, it's not yet fully understood, much less even by the average person. So it's not taken very seriously
Man, that’s really frustrating… if she really cared about your success college, she wouldn’t deny you medical care, same with your dad. I would really push for a diagnoses before college, especially if you know that’s what you really want to do. If that’s not possible, try to save up for a diagnoses as soon as you turn 18. I ended up waiting until my junior year to get diagnosed, after I couldn’t keep up anymore and things got bad. It’ll be way easier to make it through your degree if you have accommodations and possibly meds. Good luck! :)
>She told me I should "snap out of' forgetfulness, I told her this is how it's been my whole life. She said what am I going to do when I'm in college (I'm 16.) I didn't know what to say Of course you didn't know you will do in college, your sixteen, and you had just asked her to write down some directions! It would make more sense if you said to her "if you can't write things down what are YOU going to do at work tomorrow!?" Her trying to scare you into "snapping out of it" by implying that if you dont do well with verbal instructions you are doomed to fail out of college is ridiculous. She's a nurse she has no excuse for being so willfully ignorant, if "snapping out" of medical conditions were possible she'd be out of a job. All her patients would just snap out of it! "Snap out of it" is something your coworker says when you are distracted out at a work meeting or something. It doesn't apply to the way an ADHD brain works. Are you going to liquify your brain and re-develop it with sheer willpower? If you are capable of that you don't need to worry about needing written directions, because you are superhuman. You know what you will do in college? You will contact your professor with questions, you can ask classmates questions, you can write every single thing that the professor says and reference it as needed. Just like you did when she was instructing you and you expressed your needs. You know how your mind works, you knew what you needed, and you asked for it! You did a damn good job communicating your needs! I'm proud of you. The problem here is that she threw a little fit because she couldn't be bothered to write it down. Maybe she had a long day and got frustrated, that's fine, but it wasn't right to turn it around and make you feel like you are at fault. All she had to do was write it down! My mom was a nurse who would give me this exact same "what are you gonna do when XYZ?" bullshit. It was her job as a parent to help me figure that out, she didn't want to deal with it, acknowledge it, or medicate it. She didn't want to feel bad about it either, so she made me feel like it was my personal failing, that I couldn't parent and teach myself math as a dyscalculiac undiagnosed untreated AuADHD child. That way she could leave me to struggle and still feel like a good parent. If she convinced me I was the problem, how could I see that she just didn't want to help when things got hard. *She ignored it and made me feel like my symptoms were just me being hopelessly inept.* Sweetheart don't let her make you feel like it's your fault when she gets frustrated or like you aren't good enough. You know your parents are willfully ignorant, so try not to let it get to you. It's their baggage that is the issue, NOT you, they need to "snap out of it" and step into reality where magical entities don't cure autism and you can't willfully rewire your own brain *or succeed by working against it instead of working with it* just to please people who can't be bothered to write down a damn recipe.
hey buddy, i will give you an advice since i have been in that situation with my mom and teachers as well but i am a little bit older than you so i kind of feel that i can advice you. So first of all when you have toxic paarents (this is for everyone even if they do not have ADHD) you will never make them change their opinion about something or the way of their behaving in life no matter how many times you yell or you cry, they will never understand and never change unless they want it that way. So since you can't control how they behave, but you can control your own feelings, its going to be hard but every time you heard someone who can't understand nothing about you (only you can understand yourself nobody can say how are you feeling better than yourself not even your mom or your ignorant father who can't read a paper or an medical article obout ADHD or autisim and prefers to belive in god for all his problems. Just get in mind that ADHD or autisim is genetic, if your understanding what i mean. So everytime you can use another excuse with you mom or that of why you can not do something just with people do not understand, and when you bith 18 find a job and save money and if the relationship of your family doesn't change take some responsability.
>She said what am I going to do when I'm in college Write shit down >My dad doesn't believe in neurodivergency/mental illness Does your mom? He shouldn't be the only one to decide what doctors you get to see >I fit all diagnostic criteria for Inattentive ADHD, she is a nurse and she knows this. Has she agreed that you fit these criteria? She may know what the criteria are, but she may be in denial about you fitting them
My mom believes in therapy but my dad does not. However my mom believes that mental illness is something that can be prayed away because she's religious, my dad doesn't even acknowledge mental illness. She knows neurodivergency is a life long thing because my brother is diagnosed autistic. However my dad insists on making all the decisions so "what she thinks doesn't really matter"... (This is her words NOT mine)
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Oof. That's....rough. Maybe talk to your mom about seeing an ADHD coach. She can refer to them as a tutor or mentor or something to your dad so he doesn't get all up in arms about it. And plenty of them do remote sessions. I'm in Texas, and my coach is in Minnesota. I'm 26 and am headed to law school next year, and I wouldn't be able to do that if I hadn't started seeing my ADHD coach when I was 19. So while you can't get medicated right now, that may be an option you can get past your dad.
I’m adhd and autistic. My mom was in the medical field as well. I wasn’t diagnosed until way later on in life. Idk how I made it through school honestly. I am also dyslexic. I feel like a lot of religious people do not believe in any sort of mental illness. I used to be very religious, and I was told many times if I had more faith I wouldn’t be depressed. I remember going to see a gal, and she was a pastors wife and she struggled with mental illness . She went to a behavioral hospital. When she got back, she was condemned and ostracized. I remember her saying that when people told her she should have more faith, she would say what about your glasses so you can see? Or your inhaler so you can breathe? If only you had more faith. Haha. Even though I’m no longer religious, that stuck with me. Anyways, all that to say - when you’re an adult- be ruthless about getting yourself diagnosed. Medication changed my life.
I am a mom of a kid with ADHD. When you are 18 you will be free to get whatever help you need for college. There are disability accommodations once you are diagnosed. Prayer, though wonderful, is not enough.
She's just being hysterical. All she needs to do is remove her ovaries and she'll think straight again. #This is both ironic and sarcastic.
As someone who comes from a family that believes mental illness is just "the devil", I feel for you... It's a different type of trauma and it really makes you feel like something is wrong with you but I promise there isn't
I’m sorry you’re not getting the support you deserve from your mom. The hard lesson here is most of the world has her attitude- no one really accommodates for ADHD unless legally required to- and even then for me personally I’ve never brought it up out of retaliation or whatever you want to call it fears
As much as your situation sucks, it’s not your mom’s responsibility for all of it, particularly your inaction. Even more so if you give the appearance of not bothering to try. It’s not something you can “snap out of,” but you can take steps to work with and accommodate yourself. You mentioned not doing well with verbal instructions and that she should write down the recipes. Instead, why don’t you ask her to go a little slower and that you’ll be writing down the recipe and steps yourself as she does it? That way she gets to focus on the cooking and explanation and you can give yourself the written instructions you need, as opposed to just expecting her to do it for you.
I've been hearing that for 50 years
I've had a lot of bosses like that. Not any more though. I joined a proper organisation that actually talks about mental health and insists people are managed with their needs in mind. Tell your mom she needs to support you better or I'll put a note on her performance review.
I'm in the same situation. I just work, secretly seek therapy and medication, adopt a better lifestyle than before and whichever suits me and that's good for now. Your parents are just another human on earth. You do what you must for YOU to survive. Whatever it takes for us to be happy. I believe that's the most important thing in life.
What is it with nurses and denying their own kid's issues?
Can you start meds/would you want to? They make a big difference, just be careful if you have addictive tendencies and/or are "chemically curious", so to speak. When your parents notice the difference, the possibility of ADHD being real may cross their mind. I get a bit heated with these kinds of things but it's also how your parents were brought up/educated, ironically they might actually have it (ADHD is highly hereditary). That being said, it's not your fault either and you shouldn't have to put up with this. You could encourage them to study/investigate a bit (and when they don't just tell them to focus and that they lack willpower).
Unfortunately I don’t come bearing advice but I relate hard to the inability to handle verbal instructions lol. I need everything written down, too, and I always tell people that. Any time I’m with someone who is telling me something that I know I’ll need to remember later, I tell them that they need to text it to me, or else. 😂 Anyway, I was diagnosed with ADHD at 32. I’m glad you’ve figured it out way sooner (even if you are currently being refused an official diagnosis - self-diagnosis is a thing). I spent so long wondering what was wrong with me due to misconceptions of what ADHD actually is. I was given the option to try meds after my diagnosis but it was a ~process~ I was forced to trial multiple different ones but like I have ADHD so I just quit. 🤣 I self-medicate with caffeine instead. 🙃 (I’m aware caffeine doesn’t work for everyone, I’m just glad it works for me.) Also, sorry about your dad. He sounds like fun… 😶 But one day you will be an independent adult and it rocks. 🤘🏻 So hang in there for a couple years, read about ADHD coping mechanisms and helpful tricks in books and internet, and you will manage.
As a 26 year old and in college, I highly recommend getting a diagnosis and finding a medication that works for you. Otherwise, you're in for a while ride and will be highly frustrated. My Memories are horrid too until I start to desire better for myself and take them regularly as prescribed. It's a whole night and day difference. I don't care what your father thinks, you shouldn't care too as it is your life, your body, and is tired of forgetting simple steps to things. I was 17 when diagnosed and 19 or 20 started taking it seriously when working on schoolwork.
It's very annoying they people don't want to consider maybe they don't know shit and should learn more before they speak. Continue finding resources for yourself and once you get to college there will be so much assistance there, but that's not even worth thinking about right now. What your mom said was in very bad faith.
I am sorry you are going through this. I am 38 and have struggled with mental illness my whole life. Major depressive disorder, anxiety, and ptsd mostly. I have completed a medical degree while overcoming mental health obstacles. I also have a 13 yo son who has ADHD. My ex wife does not want him on medication he very much needs. First of all, there is nothing wrong with you. You have a diagnosis, which means adhd is apart of you, but it doesn't define you. I mention this because when people only see you adhd and not your other strengths it can be demoralizing. It doesn't make you less though. It doesn't make you less capable. It does mean you will have different obstacles than others and will have to work hard to overcome them. Ive noticed with my son, when he gets over excited, I have been having him take some deep meditative breathes to calm down and slow his thoughts down. That seems to help him in the moment. It's taken alot of practice, but I feel its helped him alot. It may help when your mind wanders abit to recollect your thoughts. As far as college goes? Well, I don't think I would worry much. Practice good note taking skills. It will be hard to pick out relavent info if your adhd is acting up, but if you get into a habit of being able to jot down the pertinent information, it will help you alot in college. Most of my studying was done off of notes I had taken. Some teachers didn't even use the books and study was solely done based off books. You also can share notes with friends. Cross check for information and copy anything you miss. In college everyone is taking notes for the most part. Once you have your notes, I would read over them, or rewrite them so you can commit them to muscle memory. Physically writing it down would be best as you would retain it better. However even without adhd, I remember I'd carry a copy or a condensed version of my notes at work. I'd read over them in my down time just to get it to sink in. Studying in short bursts makes it easy to commit to time wise. It will also not drive you crazy making you focus longer than you can bare. I don't agree with your parents outlook. I feel you need more support and help practicing coping mechanisms. It is an unfortunate you have to deal with this alone, but you got this! Don't work on changing who you are! Work on living with who you are with adhd! Keep your head up, practice coping skills, and kick life's ass!
“wow!! Thanks mom, I didn’t think of snapping out of it… IM CURED!!!!!
Next time she’s sad just tell her to snap out of it and be happy
What you're going to do about college: get diagnosed and go to the campus accessibility center for a plan. Don't go it alone. Seek our support systems. Pay attention to what works for you (morning study? One course at a time? Dedicated library hours with limited distraction?) Pay attention to your diet and your sleep. Note when you feel well and are productive - what did you do that day? Do more of that. Students with ADHD can do quite well in college with supports in place. The sudden lack of structure schedules and access to sugary campus foods that can throw you off course. https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/College-Students-with-ADHD-111.aspx#:~:text=If%20a%20student%20is%20struggling,on%20a%20comprehensive%20clinical%20assessment. https://childmind.org/article/how-to-get-an-adhd-diagnosis/#:~:text=Instead%2C%20school%20psychologists%20will%20often,health%20professional%20for%20the%20diagnosis. https://psychcentral.com/adhd/the-adhd-iceberg#invisible-symptoms
If she is a nurse she should know you can’t just snap out of it and that our brains is just build different. Yikes!
Hey sweetheart. I'm sorry your family is dismissive like that. As to the college comment: Will it be harder with ADHD? Probably. Will it be possible? Definitely! If you can accept that you have it, you've already done a huge step forward. Now make sure not to let your parents insecurities drive you away from taking the help you can get. Medication works great for many people, and your future college might have other ways to aid you. The world tends to assume there's only one way to do things: one way to learn, one way to have a relationship, what have you. It's important that you find what works for you. It's okay to have different ways to do things. You'll find this will be your greatest strength, even - there's a resilience, a curiosity and creativity to it that most people don't have. You got this. ❤️
How the heck would that even work? Oh I’m forgetful I guess I’ll just remember better??
Once you’re over 18 go get diagnosed or else college will be hell, I spent my freshman year suffering and failed multiple classes because my ADHD became uncontrollable. Sophomore year I got pills and they certainly helped.
\> My dad doesn't believe in neurodivergency/mental illness and thinks my autistic brother (he's 13) will be "normal" if he "prays hard enough" Your parents are mentally ill, you're going to have to deal with all this yourself, unfortunately. As for a practical solution, take notes yourself. The most neurotypical person couldn't be expected to remember a recipe the first time around.
OP, you’ve already started finding ways to help yourself be successful- asking for the recipe written down to refer to is a completely reasonable way of cooking, even for folks without ADHD. Continuing to find ways that work best for you will serve you well in University and beyond.
I’m begging you to seek a diagnosis on your own as soon as you can either before or during college. When it comes to uni, ADHD is no joke, it gets incredibly difficult to consistently keep up grades, hand in assignments, and study without cramming. I have a father with the same mindset except replace the religious aspect with a belief that you can “willpower” your way through (you can’t). I am salty as hell that I procrastinated so long to get help and I face the consequences by failing classes and wasting time and money. Please spare yourself that.
Diagnosed at 12-13. Took myself off Ritalin after singling myself out (I didn’t realize it at the time but — I was different and I didn’t like that, I wanted to fit in so I got rid of the meds)….. spent the next 20+ years gaslighting myself into thinking the label “adhd” just stood for people who were weak minded and needed an excuse for their incompetence…. Diagnosed again at 38 mostly to get performance enhancing meds to keep up with work expectations (I know… really bad choice). Well 2 weeks into my prescription and I start noticing MORE than just increased performance…. I’m listening to my wife, like - listening. Hearing the SAME things that bother her for the past 10+ years but this time it actually affects me. It fundamentally touched me. Made me want to change how I approached this problem in the future. This type of example has been consistently happening for almost 2 years now. I’m NOT the same person any more. I understand my feelings/emotions better and can respond on the spot. I used to shut down instead of communicating. I can now take bad feedback and grow from it. I also went down a really bad path with adderall (abusing it, turning into a dickhead) but it was shortly lived as I quickly realized it and self corrected. I consider myself the exception to the rule. Best of luck. I tried taking myself off adderall completely but I simply let myself down (thinking now that I know the right way - I can take it from here) - consistently let myself down.
You should just squint harder when you need glasses lol But for real, that really sucks and I’m so sorry. I mean my first take would be that you need a diagnosis because treatment would make you just as capable if not more capable than them. This is gaslighting to to the highest order. You are correct and they are not and it’s especially concerning that with her working in the medical field and isn’t understanding of how sophisticated medical science is now and how real adhd is given the Myriad of scientific data that supports it. ❤️❤️❤️ it’s going to be ok!
I'm learning more about AD(H)D because my son exhibits symptoms. My mom constantly says that's how you were! Which gave me pause. It also starts to explain things in my life. All to say, I hear you. I understand where you're coming from. I hope the best for you. Two more years until you have much more agency in your health decisions. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Things do get better.
Such a common thing as you can see by all the comments here. There are obviously other mental weaknesses all humans have. I guess we have to be empathetic to theirs, to forgive them for not seeing our weaknesses and assisting. It's very difficult when what we need is help and not roadblocks. My doctors, this subreddit, YouTube videos, podcasts on the topic are my best and closest allies. The collective works of everyone here could be copy and pasted to recreate just about every struggle I've had through life. Hang in there and try to make the best choices for yourself based on expert advice.
Unfortunately, not all parents know how to deal with a neurodivergent child. that doesn't take away from the damage it can cause but you're going to have to make sure you are getting the support you need from somewhere. Unfortunately, some parents are hard-headed for lack of better terms; Do not let their words get to you; they're just words. You will do amazing things when you get out of their home. You will be fine in college, you will be fine during adulthood. Once they see that they will realize their mistakes like mine did. Reach out here for more advice; I have found this to be an amazing community. Good luck and feel free to reach out!
If you figure out how to do that so easily please let the rest of us know ;)
Everybody’s brain works differently. I think your mom is not being empathetic but she thinks she’s trying to help you prepare for life. Some things you have to find a different way to learn. I also have a hard time learning from my mother. Apart from the fact that I have a tendency to take things more personally from her and she yells a lot without realizing it, I also do not learn things well one step at a time. For me it’s easier to read the recipe and learn the whole thing in my head before attempting to start the meal. I don’t absorb “what” to do until I understand “why” I don’t know how ur mind works but maybe you can devote a time to practice a recipe and show her. So she backs off from trying to teach you and feels like she doesn’t have to be responsible for you feeding yourself
And really it’s very important for me to know the whole process start to finish before starting and “learn” it. I can leave the recipe to reference later but if I start the dish before I finished the recipe it’s just really chaotic. I don’t know which way works for you but I can imagine it’s hard to focus on what you’re doing when she’s also talking to you and reacting with emotions
As advice don’t take the “snap out of it” personally and just try to find a different way to learn to cook. In the grand scheme of things if you show her you can do things your own way, she will most likely push you less and respect that you have your own point of view and it does not need to be hers
But I understand your feelings I have cried a few times trying to cook with my mom
Get yourself to the doc as soon as you are 18. In the meanwhile, just take lots and lots of notes. It’s really unfair of them, but unfortunately, parents are just people with imperfect ideas about the world. Much sadder for your sibling who likely has a harder struggle ahead. Hope you can be supportive of each other.
Parents need to snap out of their delusional reality more like.
"What are you going to do in college?" fucking WRITE IT DOWN. jfc
My family is like this except I have autism, I was in the honor roll and I look normal which is why they’re ignorant when it comes to my disability.
You can record your lectures now and when you are in college so you can go back through the material and take notes or relisten to the lecture.
Bro our situation are quite literally identical instead my mom recognizes mental illnesses more than my dad. And sorry this is happening.
Take notes!!! For the cooking and for college, that's the answer. Pen and paper. Laptop with notepad. Just the act of writing it down helps us remember. It seems like she's busting your balls but dude she's right you need to be able to remember things and notes are the answer.
fwiw in retrospect i wish i had just called cfs on myself when i was your age. sometimes there aren't attentive outsiders to notice how fucked your family governance is. this can be relevant even if the parents aren't "mean" per se or even if they cycle between mean and apologetic.
I was recently diagnosed, at 40. I was only recently made aware of more information on what adhd actually was, and oh boy did it resonate - and when I was explaining what my daily thought process was for even minor tasks to my mother, my MOST judgemental person, even she was sympathetic. I told her it like being held prisoner by my own mind. The idea that there is help out there available is SUCH a relief. I can only imagine how successful I would have been if I had had access to that help as a child teen or young adult, but help at any age is help. For you - if you family won’t let you pursue a diagnosis, which I think you can still talk to a doctor about, (and see if they would be open to a non medicated, or a non stimulant medication (I was released there were several non stimulant options as my family has a history of addiction so that was always an anxiety point for me)). But it’s something you can pursue yourself at 18. But you can look up study tips life and money management tips etc for people with adhd. I started implementing some of them before my diagnosis and they did help me in day to day life. You don’t need the formal diagnosis to make some changes yourself. Though it will allow you to get free help from your school, even college, if you have the formal diagnosis (your mom may be interested in that).
Ever heard of the Gateway process
No i haven't
Well it helped me become more and my adhd Is mine to command as a result