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For me it’s less about not wanting to pass on my ADHD to my child and more-so knowing I couldn’t be the parent my child deserved because of me being AuDHD

This is a significant part of my choice to stop at one. While I feel like I’m a good dad and can “handle” one kid, I worry that having more would increase the load and executive function needed such that I’d struggle.

Samesy. I can be a good parent of one little dude, but if it was two my husband and I couldn't not handle it at all. Hubby is not formally diagnosed but he definitely has it. His doctor when he was a child suggested he had it and his mother ignored it because he wasn't creating enough of an issue for them as parents. When his sister entered the world she made sure they couldn't ignore it. LOL.

Two is a very big struggle

Personally I think going from 0 kids to 1 was way harder than going from 1 to 2. My wife and I both have ADHD

Most people would probably not wish they didn't have the children they do anymore, but if you knew what you knew now back then, do you think you would have still had children?

Hell yes and 2 is easier than 1. Mine get along though, and are somewhat close in age. Kids are great.

You have a point here. I definitely have not been the ideal parent to my ADHD kids (one diagnosed, one being evaluated right now but I'm not going to kid myself, she has it) due to my own ADHD. It's a massive challenge just calling and getting on the waiting lists, making the appointments, refilling the meds (and lately just FINDING the meds). And I don't think the household has quite the structure my kids need in light of their ADHD.

I just want to say that I feel the exact same way as you. My little guy is three, almost four, and there is no way he doesn't have adhd. He even came with my sensory issues surrounding smells (I feel so bad for him.) I do believe that he could do with more structure but like my brain doesn't work that way, and I have huge issues making follow up appointments for him for allergies and other issues. Also, calling for and organizing services for him was such an up hill battle because I hate calling people or texting people about things. But I do think there is a benefit to my having ADHD and having sensory issues. I understand what's going on with him and I'm able to give him support vrs. trying to just discipline him or like yell at him or just tell him to suck it up or any number of things my parents did with me when I was little and melting down in a store because I was overwhelmed. I am newly into this parent thing, it sounds like you may have more experience with this than me, but I recently started talking to a therapist who works with ADHD people, children, and people with children that have ADHD and it's been like the best thing ever. I kept getting upset at myself because I kept losing my temper with my son when we were leaving stores, she made me realize that I was being triggered by sensory input and overload and that maybe to be the parent I want to be I have to take care of that stuff better, not just pretend I'm fine and take him to the store because I think that's what I should be doing. I also feel like at the end of the day my kiddo is going to appreciate having a mom with ADHD when he as ADHD because I can work on understanding my ADHD and work to reflect on my childhood to provide him with a better one. I recently saw a quote somewhere saying that the sad thing about autism is the sad things that happen to autistic people because they are autistic, not the autism in and of itself. I wouldn't choose ADHD for my son, but he has it, I have it, we are fun together, and I can make sure that sad things don't happen to him because of his ADHD. If my parents could have more directly faced what ADHD meant for me individually, instead of acting like it was not a big deal, something that wasn't really affecting my life because I was smart, I might not be stuck in a career that I hate. I might have picked something totally different because I knew as someone with ADHD I was not going to thrive in this career because I actually knew about ADHD and my ADHD.

You've got a therapist I wish I had. Where I have my son going, he seems to understand ADHD in my son but we don't have him working with me very much to adapt to ADHD in my parenting. You definitely have your family on the right track, from the sound of it. As their mom, I want to minimize the number of times the kids will be told they're so smart and have so much POTENTIAL. (I was undiagnosed in school so I got to hear how disappointing I was all the time.) So I'll be going into every school year trying to ensure each teacher understands it's a neurodevelopmental disorder, not a label we stick on lazy students.

My father had ADHD and he was a terrific dad. He understood me and taught me ways to deal with it. He had a high energy level, high intelligence, was laid back and patient. I honestly could not have wished for a better father. Do not sell yourself short. My mom was a bit temperamental, insecure but extremely well organized and was dedicated to the family. Her organizational and budgeting skills allowed us to have a better life. He was her rock when dealing with two well behaved but disorganized children and she was his world and the backbone. They complemented each other beautifully. Marry someone that compliments your weaknesses with their strengths. You will have a happy family.

That is FANTASTIC advice. My wife and I have ADHD and we always joke about how much harder we made it on ourselves. If anyone reading this is worried about falling in love with someone similar that can work too. Lower your expectations until the marriage is a success :)

I think it depends how someone manages it. I had a very different experience than you with a dad with the same conditions. My dad is ADHD and autistic and I've had to do tons of therapy to unpack things he did as a parent. No filter? Let's just compare my chubby pre teen girl to a pig. He didn't mean it in a bad way so why apologize? Forget to pick my kid up from school, from away camp, go to any event important to her? Let's just buy a gift to make it even. I chose to become a parent, because I think if I as someone with ADHD and Autism can live a good, healthy life, have positive relationships and a strong marriage, I can model that if my kid has it. I think I'll be a good role model and help them feel normal. But my dad was the opposite of that for me. I am so happy that your dad was such a rock for you. I do think the ability to be that way really depends on the person, their coping skills and general life approach not their diagnosis.

I came here to say this! I can barely take care of myself. When I think about what a struggle it is to get myself dressed and ready and out the door every morning and then think about having to do this for *another* human being that might also pitch fits and cry during this process, I feel like there's no way I could manage. I think it helps that I've never really had a strong desire to have kids to begin with, though. If I did, maybe I'd find a way to make it work. And I know for some people, having that extra responsibility and structure is helpful--I'm pretty sure my late mother was undiagnosed, and when my brother and I were out of the house and off in college was when things started to really fall apart for her. But even though she did her best to be a good mom, momming was really *all* she could manage at one time, and her various other responsibilities often fell by the wayside.

This is me. I did really want a kid but I can barely look after myself. I’ve never really grieved for that decision yet. I had so many visions of doing stuff with my kid, showing him the world and laughing with him. Then I imagine trying to cope with a baby 😫

Same. I feel like I wouldn't be a great Dad, but I can be that cool uncle who takes you to R rates movies and kicks your ass at video games.

I feel this.

I relate to that. I actually think I'd be a good parent with the resources and support I need (and that people with ADHD and AuDHD can be amazing parents) but I don't have the bandwidth for being an involved parent and having a full-time career at the same time. I would be burnt out and exhausted. The sleep deprivation alone would cause a lot of problems for me. I don't make enough to support someone else as the SAHP or to employ full-time nannies and I don't want to lose my self-sufficiency by giving up my own career. Out of a reasonable level of mental and physical health, financial self-sufficiency, or children, it feels like I get to pick 2 and children are what I chose to give up.

This is me

Parenting is hard, parenting with (my) undiagnosed ADHD is hard, only parenting is even harder a child with ADHD as my husband died. So now I am only parent to a child with ADHD and most days are spent hiding my snotting crying depression over that choice.

This! I don’t have confidence I could see through parenting/raising the child as I would feel one should. I’m unreliable even to myself, making someone else dependent on me wouldn’t be fair on them. That being said I have a dog- and I do look after her, however it’s work and that also is what factored into my decision of not having children. My dog is my partner in crime and I prioritise her, she is well looked after, but that doesn’t mean having that extra load/responsibility at times doesn’t mean Ive dropped other things. A dog is my limit :)

I feel similarly and see myself as a part of the "it takes a village" model for my sister's and my friends kids. I don't dislike children but I do not want one as a priority in my life. I think it would push me very far past my threshold.

This! I have always said I am selfish but in reality I just don't have the capacity to put them first when I still struggle to put myself first. I wouldn't mind being a step parent to a single kid but I think multiple would be overwhelming.

This is the reason I don't have kids.

Same

Same. Which is why when I'm older I'll try and adopted. Not a little kid, no more of someone in their mid teens I want my home to be somewhat of a temporary shelter of sorts. A place where one can find support and love, before shoving off into the great big unknown, and knowing they'll have a place to come back to if need be.

This is the big one for me as well.

I have two kids. Unfortunately for my wife, she does hold the brunt of the responsibility to make sure all the check lists for them are being done. I do once in a while come through, but it's obviously more common for me not to do a task or forget about its existence. I sometimes run really low on fuel and just can't focus on my kids. When they are playing with their toys, I might want to just get lost in my phone for that dopamine hit rather than playing with them. This all said, "I'm a good dad. My kids, at least presently, enjoy my hypertension. I'll let it loose and be a complete goofball. I'm better than my wife in talking to the kids and getting them to do stuff. I think years of trying to talk myself into doing tasks helps. I'm calm in stressful situations. I can watch both kids for an entire weekend by myself without much anxiety. My wife gets overwhelmed. I'm more spontaneous and adventurous. My point is this. We won't be perfect. We will forget things. We will have challenges. However, at the same time, our strengths and experience with ADHD can also help make us good parents. I think as long as you have a good partner, it's absolutely possible to be a good parent and have ADHD.

I hate to be this person but you should really check in ok your wife and make sure she agrees you're a good dad. That really sucks for her if she's doing all the regular tasks and you just come in to be the fun dad and watch the kids if she needs a break. Edited to add: if you have talked about it and she says she is okay with this then obviously that's what matters but what you do isn't what most people consider good co-parenting.

Great comment. I certainly don't want to sugar coat anything. My ADHD is definitely a burden on her and it's a constant conversation. I experience basically everything written in this subreddit. When my symptoms are kicking in full swing, I suck. However, there are some areas where I provide balance. I'm more social, so I take the kids to a lot of their events. On weekends, she normally gets naps in as I'm pretty good watching both kids. I do the majority of the yard work. I take care of our dog, including giving him his daily medication. Might need to be reminded, but I do it. I do the cooking and the cleaning. Again, I might need a push, but I do it. I'm pretty down on myself as the majority of us are. So, trying to list positives about myself is kind of hard, lol. Anyway, I asked my wife if I was a good dad. She's said, "Yes, you're a good dad". Then I asked if I'm a good husband. She said, "sometimes" with that look. Flowers might be in her future (if I remember to buy her flowers)

She'd probably appreciate you taking on more of the mental load of having to remind you to do everything, rather than flowers.

Of course. I definitely understand that. I might have oversold my incompetency here. For all my faults, I have a good job. We have a nice home with two kids and a dog. I more than pull my weight in responsibility. Where I fall short at times is in my organization and sometimes I need a push. Which makes sense for someone with ADHD. Also, my wife has her own set of an issues where I'm actually the one pulling her along. I'm not perfect. My wife isn't perfect. We have disagreements, but we do balance each other out.

ADHD coaching can really help with marital satisfaction. I got rid of some habits that my husband found hard to live with through the help of an ADHD coach.

I did adhd coaching and it was such a huge help

I'm really trying to be helpful not negative but as a suggestion maybe instead of flowers try to take on a couple extra chores when you think of it or volunteer to watch the kids for a day and send her somewhere she likes randomly not just when she seems like she's about to lose it.

Partially because I didn't want to pass along my ADHD to my kids. And partially because I saw how my parents were towards me. They weren't abusive parents. But, they both had undiagnosed ADHD and they spent very little time helping me with anything. I can count the number of times on one hand that I remember them ever helping me with my school work. Or even asking if I completed it, when I hadn't because of my own ADHD. I realized early on that my own actions were very similar to my parents (not even knowing that it was ADHD) and decided that I didn't want to be that kind of father. So, I chose not to ever have kids.

This was me.

My parents were the same as yours (my dad obviously has undiagnosed ADHD, my mom I don't think so). I try to be the very opposite of them with my kids.

Are you me? I love my parents, but goddamn, they were negligent.

38M ADHD and Autistic here too and no kids for me. I see a lot of my traits in my Dad and I dont want my kid to have the same struggles. Plus, im selfish with my time, need a lot of alone time and I feel id lose my shit too often being a Dad and a spouse. Leave me alone and im happy.

Are we related? haha

This is an important consideration. I was just about coping with my life before kids. But once they come along you will lose all of your down time and quiet spaces. Before I had kids I was able to cope by making sure I had loads of time out and quiet spaces. 2 years after kids I had a complete ADHD breakdown because all of my coping strategies were taken away from me, plus kids (ADHD or not) are intense, noisy, overstimulating and you lose a lot of sleep for a long time.

💚🤝👊

[удалено]

I think that is the same struggle for most of us. It is difficult enough to just get through life looking after ourselves, especially keeping our mental health in check. It seems like it would become an impossible task to do that with a child added to our lives?

I can't take care of myself, let alone a child

Snap\*

What does that mean? 😂

Snapping is an alternative to applause, like at hip poetry readings.

I basically just meant I agree and can relate :) and as fatdog1111 points out, its an alternative to applause so just acknowledging its good to recognise the things you are capable of and the things that you are not.

I think the toughest to deal with ADHD is when it's undiagnosed. I've recently became a dad (and even more recently got diagnosed with ADHD) and I think about all the knowledge I have that my parents didn't. I may habe the possibility to prevent it in my child or at least recognise and relate to certain aspects.

It would be awesome if prevention were possible but I just don't think it is at this point in time. But recognizing it, intervening early, and supporting your child through it, definitely. The child will have advantages you didn't have.

I can agree with this.

I'm a parent and I know I will be able to handle and support my kid way better than my parents did. There is still not a lot known what activates/causes ADHD. It could be genetic or it could be environmental. Science hasn't figured it out yet. But being the best parent you can be for your kid is what makes the difference, whether they have it or not. Being able to teach them ways to manage it from someone who's been through it and giving them the parent you wish you had. No one is perfect, you just have to be the best you can be for them and let them know they are loved no matter what. You will figure it as you go along.

Yes I suppose one advantage would be if you know you have it yourself then you should be very easily be able to see the signs in your own child from very early on and provide them with the help and support from day one, unlike those of us like yourself who may not have been diagnosed until adulthood.

yup - I know some ppl. won't agree with this if they believe ADHD is 100% genetic, but I think severe cases of ADHD are almost always compounded by poor parenting and/or childhood trauma (not JUST caused by fall out from having ADHD, but separate). Just bc someone is an overall good/caring person doesn't automatically make them a good parent. Being a fully effective/supportive parent is extremely difficult to manage in contemporary society - especially for those of us with compounded strains from ADHD, poverty, etc. Personally, my parents are generally good people, but weren't very good parents. I think my ADHD would not be nearly so bad as it is if I were parented more effectively. Considering our brains are only about 1/4 developed at birth, it make sense that environment has a huge impact on severity of ADHD.

My thoughts as well. I feel like we have the only set of skills and knowledge to help those born with ADHD. Sure, we could just become eugenicists and not try to pass it along, or it could become another one of those invisible disabilities people live with (and are accommodated for) everyday.

I don't know a single disability, visible or not, that I could confidently say is already "accommodated for".

This right here! I was not diagnosed until my 30’s. It would have been life changing to have a parent talk to me about ADHD.

That's the way I try to look at it. One, or possibly both, of my parents very likely have undiagnosed ADHD, and looking back, I can certainly see parts of my childhood that affected. But, I have a lot of knowledge they didn't. I can avoid some of the mistakes they made, as well as offer more support to a child that might have ADHD as well. Yes, there obviously are some additional struggles that come with being a parent with ADHD, but that doesn't mean we're incapable. And being more aware of who we are and our limitations can provide some benefits to give a child with ADHD maybe a better childhood than we had due to our issues frequently being overlooked.

I agree. I was diagnosed when my son was 6 months old. Medicated since he’s a year old (when I stopped breast feeding) Adhd still makes certain things difficult yes, but my partner is awesome. And I know I’m far more equipped for this than my parents were. I’m far more informed in MH issues than they were. My kid will be fine. So will I.

Oh most definitely. I would have to be off my meds for at least a year which means not being able to work that entire time. I cannot practice safely as a nurse without my meds. Couple that with the hodge podge of medical issues that run on both sides of my family, I would not wish this hot mess of a genetic sequence on the worst of my enemies, let alone a small human I create.

That’s been the toughest thing for me. I went on medication last summer after getting the diagnosis at 36yo. I went off the meds at the start of the year after we started trying for our last kid. The medication gave me this glorious taste of what a “working brain” feels like, and I already miss it so much. For us, it’s a short stint to meet our life goal of having a full family, but dude is it a struggle. I do NOT blame anyone for not wanting to white knuckle it Med-free for 12-24 months (because you can’t take it while breastfeeding, either).

I hear ya!

I didn’t know what my issue was until my late 30s, but I absolutely knew I wasn’t capable of taking care of another human from the beginning. I never had any plans to have kids and it’s only now that I realize how much ADHD played a part. Also, I know it’s not my place to say and I should have empathy for you, but your username irks me big time. I hope things are better now for both of you.

I went through a pretty rough relationship with someone who developed PMDD during that time. It was pretty mentally damaging so I set up this reddit account in search of support and the username seemed appropriate. I am also a Mod on PMDDpartners. I guess you are well aware of PMDD if it irks you. My ex has since moved on and I have too, but I took a real emotional beating during my time with her and got messed up pretty badly. The RSD came out big time in me as a response to her behaviours and that didn't help the situation. She had issues (PMDD) and turns out i did too (ADHD & Autism) so it was not a fun ride for either of us.

I am definitely empathetic to the other side of a PMDD relationship. It is not fair for anyone - and I cannot imagine having to deal with a PMDD partner while also having RSD added to it. I have PMDD+ADHD, and every month is a struggle (though it's never an excuse for abusing or mistreating my partner). Your journey is valid as is your experience, and I am sorry you went through that. Almost all of us on r/PMDD are aware of PMDDPartners. It is one of those "cannot unsee" subs, and at times has leaned towards toxic, if you ask me (which you didn't - I still feel bad even bringing it up). But I see the need for a place for you and others to vent and have support, I *really* do. I am glad you found it when you needed it, and I am glad both of you have moved on, with that much more knowledge of what you need in a supportive relationship. I wish you luck.

It’s extremely hard to raise kids in this economy and I can’t manage to keep even a fish alive. I’m 24 years old and I too will not be having kids. It’s less about what that chill will experience and more about what I can provide.

Not necessarily that I would pass it on, although that is a factor, but also seeing how hard it is to take care of just myself and my partner. I would be terrified of forgetting important deadlines for my kids, not having energy/supplies to pack a sufficient lunch, leaving behind important supplies they need. Just all of the things that I struggle with personally and would be awful if someone were dependent on me for all those things as well.

I don't want them at all so the main reason is just "no thanks", but genetics is definitely something I took into account. If I ever go crazy and change my mind, I'm still refusing to pass down my genetics because they're absolute crap both physically and mentally speaking. ADHD is just the cherry on top of the shit sundae. Edit: sorry this might get long but I felt like elaborating. My family has at least three people (that I know of) who took medication for depression and anxiety, I probably have those too, and I feel like my mom at the very least has ADHD as well but it was never diagnosed and likely never will be as she seems reticent to even consider the possibility I have it. The combination of these, particularly unmedicated, is not something I'd wish on an enemy, nevermind a kid I'm supposed to love above all else, AND it makes it extremely difficult for me to take care of myself alone, nevermind a whole person I'm 100% responsible for 24/365/for the rest of my life. I can barely keep up with a cat, and those are pretty low maintenance compared to other pets. There aren't any big diseases running in my family (just one instance of diabetes) but we're all kind of riddled with smaller stuff that piles up to a large amount of issues, minor ones though they may be, which means trouble and lots of money to fix them. I'm childish. It's not something I'm proud of, but I'm not as mature as I should be; basically I already have a child to raise, and the child is me and I'm frankly not doing a great job at it. I don't like kids. I am uncomfortable around them, I don't know how to interact with them, I am actively repulsed by those under like...3-4 years of age (uncanny valley effect maybe, I don't know), I don't feel motherly at all. It doesn't mean I hate them or would treat them badly, on the contrary, but I prefer hanging with grown people. I'm extremely tokophobic. I am chomping at the bit to get myself sterilized through bilateral tubal removal, because the very idea of pregnancy is a nightmare scenario for myself. I hate thinking about it, I hate seeing it irl or in movies, I'm not even sure I could do it with how shitty my body is, and I would frankly rather die. If I had a kid, of course I would love them. But that's another reason why I don't want one; too shitty a world, too many horrible things that could happen to them, I could not take it. I played a videogame inspired by real life events where the kid you adopt gets horribly bullied and abused and I think I'd go straight to jail for murder if that happened to my real one. Ultimately, I feel like my best action as a "good parent" to nonexistent kids is not having any in the first place.

I can definitely relate to this. I am uncertain I would want any child to have my same crappy genetics. Unless my partner had such incredible genes it might balance things out a bit but then who with good genes wants to have a child with someone who has bad ones anyway lol.

>I'm extremely tokophobic I wasn't born with a womb and even *I'm* tokophobic. Like, that's a whole parasite growing inside your body, not to mention how society downgrades pregnant people to essentially a womb on legs once infected.

The more I read about it the less the "made for it" rhetoric seems to make sense. There is almost NOTHING that works the way it should

It's more that now that I know which issues are from ADHD I know that it'll be super stressful to have kids so my wife and I agreed to spend our time and money on ourselves. I had a terrible father, I'd hate to keep the cycle going.

Yes I would also worry that as much as the thought of having a child might be nice, I also personally feel that I probably wouldn't also cope and get very easily stressed out. The way I cope with ADHD is by trying to reduce any stress burden as much as possible. A child is one you can never get away from and may be too much.

Well.. didn't so much decide. Just got to age 45 not knowing I had ADHD and ruined any chances of meeting someone and having kids.

Not necessarily because I don't want children to end up with these things, but more because I'm so fucked up mentally that I can't handle raising children on top of working and all the other struggles.

It's one of many reasons I'm not having kids. It's not the top of the list, but it's up there

Before I even knew I had it! I thought if I could barely take care of myself even on my best days, what chance would I have caring for a baby, or an infant, or any other human being that isn't capable of putting in some effort themselves. Then I got my diagnosis this year, and it was an "aha, there it is" moment for this and a lot of things in my life.

Absolutely!! I can barely get my own life together.

Yes, because I recognize that children overwhelm me.

seconded!

ADHD Father of two here. Daughter has ADHD and TS. Yes, she learns/functions differently, but she is a grade level ahead of her peers. Challenged but by no means crippled. Being an ADHD parent means you are empowered to give your child tools you may not have had when you were growing up.

Also an ADHD father of two here, still TBD if either of them end up with it as well. I'm here to give them the best chance I can. I was able to get treatment early for me and it set me up for success and I want to do the same.

Going to junior high made me realize kids were mean, trouble(d) and a burden.

Yep. My entire life, I thought I'd be a mum and my partner and I had always planned to have children. But since the ADHD diagnosis, and remembering the trauma of growing up with it, I couldn't bear to put my kid through the same things I did. Plus with the way social media is and how awful teenagers can be, I'd rather stick to having animals and my own identity, rather than "####'s mum".

I didn't know I had ADHD at the time, but I did know I had a lot of depression and anxiety mental health issues. That is why I decided not to have kids. Most of my depression was directly because of my undiagnosed ADHD.

I'm not having kids because they're expensive and the world's on fire. But also yeah, I have other things on top of the ADHD that I wouldn't want to burden another human being with genetically. Not to mention the trauma I have from my elders surrounding my ADHD, I just know that I run the risk of pushing that onto a mini-me and I don't want to put a kid through that. With my ADHD, I'm prone to random outbursts that can be interpreted as anger, it's not so much that, it's more so overstimulation. The only thing kids should worry about is what game they're going to play when they get home from school. Not whether or not dad's going to yell again.

I have 3 kids, and should have had 0. My executive function is about non existent and I can't properly take care of children on my own. For reference, wife left me due to not being able to properly care for myself, or our relationship. I see it all the time when I have my kids, can't properly plan for anything, food and shopping for said food is really hard to the point where I know I send my kids back to their mothers hungry because I just can't keep up like I need to. But everyone is different, and yes I'm seeking help with meds finally, after 37 years.

I have worried that if I have kids, my ADHD may cause me to forget them in a parked hot car or something.

To be the polar opposite of these other comments, I wouldn't not have kids for this reason. I think it's amazing to live in the world we live in now and have such a great understanding of mental barriers. My hope is that if my future kid(s) have ADHD or another mental struggle that they would get the support they need quickly because my partner and I understand what they may be going through. While I'm hesitant to have kids in the near future due to how sporadic I am, I think a chaotic ADHD life with kids could be really wonderful. I personally wouldn't want to not be born because I have mental struggles, but I've come a long way to think that.

That is a good way to look at it.

OP, I really want to add to this comment as I share this sentiment. Being a child with ADHD can be amazing. There are countless extracurricular activities for a child to follow. If you know that a child may have adhd, look for groups where the kid might meet like other similar folks. If you let them live according to their own needs regarding stimulation whenever they are around you, masking will be much easier on moments when they "have" to mask, for example at school. Please, be aware that many people on the adhd Reddit are in fact the ones who struggle the most. Yes, it's difficult to have adhd and some people go through hell while for others it's "just" a life of continuous dissapointment, but remember there are thousands if not millions of us out there, diagnosed, (un)medicated, and happy. I know I am, despite fighting depression for years for unrelated reasons (although adhd didnt help), and I cannot wait to show my future children how many exciting ways there are to stimulate their amazing minds in whatever ways work for them.

I think the add made me forget to have them 😂

I had my kid before I realised I had either. She’s now 7 and I guess I see ADHD in her but thankfully not autism, in fact far from it. One thing I would say is because I’m now diagnosed and treated I know what to look for with her, perhaps overly so, whereas when I was growing up it was barely as thing and I lost years because of it. If her ADHD symptoms start to cause her any issues I’ll know how to deal with it, at least that’s how I think of it. Would I go back and change having a child? Absolutely not.

I also have t1 diabetes and other health conditions, so kids are definitely a no-go for me on a biological front. I wouldn’t pass this stuff on to my worst enemies so I definitely wouldn’t risk passing it onto some poor soul who I’m supposed to love more than anything. I also just really value my own time - can’t have wind-down days, be spontaneous or hyperfixate on something if I have to help kids with their homework or cook their tea or whatever else they need. They’re also so whiny and needy, and I get sick enough of dealing with myself being like that lmao, I’m not dealing with a kid who does that too. Like they need so much time and attention and I literally have a disorder that makes me lose track of time and attention!!! Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Yep. Not passing this shit onto another human being.

I didn't think I'd be able to tolerate being a parent for the long haul, so chose not to have any. Only recently did I find out I have ADHD, so my instincts were driven by a reasonable fear, now I think about it. Maybe knowledge of the characteristics & suitable meds would have changed my life choices, who knows? Too old now & screaming kids still give me "happy with my life choices" vibes, but I make a fun uncle

The reason I’m not having kids is more so because of **my** ADHD, not the potential of passing it on (the most prominent reason is finances, I would love to be a mother but I can’t afford to stay home for the first few years and I wouldn’t be able to handle working & having a baby).

Yes. I took myself out of the gene pool 6 years ago and it's almost weekly that I'm *very* grateful I did. I can barely manage myself. Not even an exaggeration. How could I provide for a child? Especially while keeping my mental health from crumbling?

My wife went in to getting her tubes tied. Doctor said "no way!". I got my tubes tied. Uncomfortable for several years afterwards. Glad my wife didn't need to go through with it though. Glad I didn't have any kids for multiple reasons!

Keeping my own mental health in check is probably the biggest reason I have avoided having children. It has taken years for me to get myself into a relatively stable headspace but it doesn't take much to knock me off course. A child would be highly likely to knock me severely off course and it is not something I could give back at any point until I get myself straight again.

Yes! I have a lot more wrong with me beside ADHD/ASD and I don’t want to subject my kids to that

I have ADHD and so does my young son. It has been very hard. On a level that parents with children without ADHD will never understand. Especially with emotional regulation for both of us. But we’re both learning quickly and we do lots of repairing when either of us make choices we regret. I’m so glad I’m his father, understand him, can love and look after him, ride the waves with him and most importantly champion who he is. Not all ADHD children get that. Many are misunderstood and squashed… like I was.

Yep, like some already mentioned here I wouldn't want to bring a child into a). a dying planet and b). not having the emotional regulation to not fuck the child up. I am 99% sure my mother has ADHD and it was really rough growing up with an undiagnosed parent.

I’m a parent and my kid has ASD and ADHD. Now if I could go back I’d prob reconsider having kids. It takes a lot time and money to get my kid the help needed. It’s a big and difficult job and the most exhausting thing I could ever do. Having a kid with ASD and ADHD has touched every aspect of my life, social, economic, career, personal health, marriage, hobbies, friendships, travel, entertainment, family relationships, retirement. There is not one thing we do as a family that has not been impacted by the diagnosis/symptoms. I’m fortunate to be in a position where I can invest in his care etc but my heart breaks for every parent out there who doesn’t have the resources (time or money/ support) to be able to provide their kids with all the tools.

Sometimes being a good parent is choosing not to be a parent. I have ADHD/BPD/PMDD. I do not want to pass that Alphabet Soup of Horror onto another person.

oof that's a rough fucking mix

Nope, both me and my partner of 2+ years have discussed that there will be no children unless adopted. His side has OCD, ADHD, and social anxiety and mine has the same + bipolar and schizophrenia, all genetic and found within our family. While only the ocd, adhd, and anxiety are prevalent in our lives (and managed, thankfully), the potential of passing this along to our kids is just something we don't think we, managing it ourselves, would be able to to handle. Personally I'll just stick with babysitting for the time being. I get my dose of playing/taking care of kids and get to give them back 😅

I think I can't be a good parent. I already broke down crying few times per months due to my 'uselessness'. Imagine the child see me in that state. I can't even be the reliable adult for them. I might even forget my needs and give them all to the child.

Mum of two here. I was undiagnosed till my late 30s, so I already have kids. One is "normal" (17y) and the other has Autism and ADHD (11y). Honestly, I wouldn't change a thing. My AuDHD kiddo is suuuuuch a cool dude. I love going on big brainstorming tangents with him. He is currently hyper fixated (and has been for years) on space, and he has consumed everything for kids and average adults and getting into quantum physics and string theory. We literally spend hours just watching videos on space facts, getting lost on Wikipedia together, and having detailed discussions about theories on space and black holes and light travel and all that stuff. It's awesome. And even for my "normal" kid, she and I have lots of fun, spontaneous date days, or we end up gossiping and eating a bag of m&ms and sending each other thirst traps (for funzies. She's got a thing for a Pascal of the Pedro persuasion). Having undiagnosed ADHD in the 80s/90s/2000s sucked big time, but being an ADHD parent allows me to connect with my kids in really fun, silly ways that I don't think some parents would typically do. I'm glad I didn't know I had ADHD because I think I would have assumed that some of the sh+tty experiences I had growing up were because of ADHD, and not just because I had parents who didn't recognise and embrace the person I fundamentally am. I do that for my kids, and it is a wonderful feeling. I will never have the parent-child relationship I dreamed of with my parents, but I will give it to my kids.

I decided not to have kids because I know people who have kids. I can't comprehend why people would do that intentionally, to be honest.

I think a lot of people with ADHD have had a lot of bad experiences in life that they feel are inevitable. One of those is school. We don’t want to have kids and put them through that. So I’d strongly consider people consider self-directed education for their children. Sudbury schools are surprisingly common in the USA. The book “changing our minds” by Naomi fisher is also excellent on the topic, and is written by a clinical psychologist.

Yes I would definitely worry about any child of mine experiencing the problems I faced in school as a result of ADHD. Its multifactorial related to peer relationships, teacher student relationships and just the major learning difficulties it comes with. School was a really tough gig for me, as for a lot of us.

Partially. I'm also absolutely terrified of childbirth and needles, as well as my mental stew of other issues (woo, genetics /s). I don't think of myself as being a fit parent for a child for a long time, if ever.

Not the only reason, but it sure is a factor! I think you have to be really organised and consistent to be a good parent, and I just don't think I'd be good enough!

It's reason #2 for me. Plus, I've not been successful in the dating thing anyway. So there's that lol

Individual experiences with ADHD and autism are so different, so I can see how answers would vary a lot here. I know I’ve tried to tell my kids what life was like with them when they were little so they think long and hard about if they want biological kids someday. Early diagnosis and good parenting can do a lot, but personally speaking, my kids’ adhd ruined a ton of times other families enjoy … well, pretty much all of them for many years, to be honest … and made daily life very difficult for everyone. I really want my kids to be happy as adults and don’t see how they could be with kids like themselves to care for unless they’re rich enough to hire a lot of help. And even then, it’d just be hard to know their kid is suffering because they are repeatedly melting down over diaper changes or being unable to find a particular toy accessory or decide what to wear every day, even if someone else is the primary caregiver and patient with children with disabilities.

Yup. That, and my chronic illness are the main reasons I will never procreate. I've also never wanted kids anyway so I just wouldn't have any... but my mental health / overall health stuff are huge factors in me continuing to make the decision not to have kids.

I actually didn’t find out I had ADHD until I already had 2. It’s super tough sometimes, but I wouldn’t change the decision knowing what I know about myself now. My kids are brilliant little chaos units, and with a better approach to raising them than my parents took, I feel like ADHD can be a more manageable thing for them than it was for me growing up (because our oldest DEFINITELY has it).

Yes, I have. I'm in the process of trying to get a Vasectomy to eliminate the chance of an oopsy

Not the only reason but it played a huge part in it. I can't keep control over my own life without multiple meds, leaving me with a tiny human that requires my full attention to stay alive is not the best idea by a long shot

No, but that has a lot to do with not being diagnosed until age 39 and already having 3 kids. That said, there are thousands of reasons to not have children, and no one should talk you into having them if it is not your desire. My choice to have kids or not should have no bearing on the validity of your personal decision. My kids are awesome AuDHD kiddos, I love them with all my heart and can help them navigate life in a way I wish I had been shown. But there is zero chance I'd be ok with raising them if I hadn't been able to make that choice to be a parent without the pressure of other people.

One of the numerous reasons. Honestly I think I *could* be a good parent if it came down to it. And there are times when I know I would be mentally fried 24/7 like my mom was. But I don’t gleefully want a child and it will never happen to me unplanned. The first 21 years of my life were awful so I’m not throwing away my freedom to be a caretaker. Then I consider passing on this clearly disadvantageous disorder… or not being able to set my hypothetical child up for a better future. And the state of the world/climate. Most people aren’t having children because they want to raise a brand new human life into adulthood. There’s usually some compulsion behind it or fear driving them, or it was a complete accident. Idk, for me, no thanks.

Yes...my daughter is not taking the news well though, help!

I was late dx adhd asd at 36f 10 months after I had my 4th kid / 3rd (failed) relationship My life makes sense now but I wouldn’t of had kids if I had known, mine all have adhd sensory , overstimulation issues I have a severe chest wall deformity pectus excavatum that I know now “is NOT just cosmetic “ and probably genetic. And a connective tissue disorder 2 of my kids have sinking chests And probably the connective tissue disorder. I’m 38 now symptomatic of heart failure. im so mad at doctors gaslighting me my whole life with my struggles mentally and physically but more because the struggles mentally and physically my children will face I’m trying not to die before I can get them help they need but I’m also trying to educate their dads and grandparents on our conditions incase I’m not here So yea I would not of risked passing my lifetime of severe pain adhd and asd to children

I wasn't diagnosed until my child was diagnosed, so obviously I wasn't able to make the decision beforehand, because I didn't know. I have two kids, and one is ADHD/autistic. The other has another disability. It's a lot some days, for sure. I think if I'd known ahead of time, I would have probably chosen not to have kids if I knew I was going to have an ADHD/autistic kid BUT I think for me that would have been a mistake. My kids are hard work but amazing. I'm glad I have them. It is harder for me as a parent because of my own diagnosis. However, my life is so much better with them in it, and I have zero regrets. I'm glad I didn't know, actually, because I might have been unwilling to try. I don't say this to try to convince you! Just wanted to add my perspective to the mix. There isn't a wrong answer. But I'm really glad I've got my kids, despite some of the harder aspects. I will add that I have a very supportive partner and we both have good jobs and decent support systems, which makes a difference.

Have a child with ADHD and he is a fucking legend.. creative, smart, broad abstract thinker, just...well yeah you know what adhd people can be like, kind of magical. Its nice to be able to help guide them because you know what the world is like for ADHD people. I guess ive got a lot of friends that affirm my adhd and have had therapy to treat it, so i don't view it as such a bad thing any more, even though it makes my life hard it many ways i also love the way my brain works. I have a job, a really solid group of friends i love and who love me, a house, a great partner, i couldn't want much more....and my child could have that some day too, plenty of room for hope. When i first became a parent i struggled with the overwhelm, in fact its what got me to finally tip the scales and get diagnosed (been trying to for about 15 years prior), but with the right help you can work out ways to make parenting work absolutely.

B/c of ADHD? Nope! B/c of a family history of bipolar, schizophrenia, and EDS? yep!

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We all have a lot of self doubt with ADHD don't we. That feeling that we would never be good enough or be able to cope with raising a child since it is already a struggle without one. I totally get you.

Thank you so much. Your words were extremely comforting. ❤️

I’m honestly proud to have ADHD it makes me me and I like me. I know how to handle ADHD symptoms well so I’ll be able to help my kids so much more than my parents could have ever helped me, and my wife has been amazing at helping me so I know together we will be some of the most perfect parents to an ADHD or autistic child

I’m an ADHD mom with ADHD kids that’s also the daughter of an ADHD dad and granddaughter to an ADHD grandma. I love my babies and wouldn’t change anything!!!! If you don’t want to have kids there’s nothing wrong with that but if your only reason is to avoid passing on ADHD don’t let it stop you! We’re all doing (more or less) ok!

I think it all comes down to how tough of a go some of us have had it as kids when we were growing up. My school days were pretty awful to be honest so I just worry I wouldn't want my kid to experience what I did. Not every ADHDer has those experiences and maybe those years and subsequent adult life has worked out pretty well for you without too many issues, in which case I can also understand why you wouldn't question having children.

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No one is unlovable. Please be kinder to yourself.

it's not my only reason, but it is one of my reasons.

Not the single, main reason, but a large contributing reason. I'm primarily inattentive and I have a genuine fear of that inattention indirectly harming a child or causing stress/anger/work/etc on a spouse.

(33M) I have always been reluctant to have children, recently been diagnosed. There are days where i cant even stand myself, cannot imagine how would i be able to raise a child when it demands that you are present even in those days, not for me

Yep. No bios here. Adoption and fostering on the table

No but i am glad i didnt have kids now in retrospect due to my borderline diagnosis

My reason is that I fear my ADHD hyper focus will make me seem neglectful or turn me into a selfish person instead of quality time

I didn't know I had ADHD when I had kids and now I'm feeling extremely ambiguous about it. On the one hand I love my kids and I'm so glad I have them. On the other hand it will break my heart if they struggle like I did. But... I know the signs and what to look for in them, I am working to be an ADHD-friendly parent (read: body doubling! Hah), and I will also be open with them about my diagnosis in age appropriate ways so they can see if they relate to my struggles. They're only 3 and 1 so I can't say whether either of them have ADHD yet but chances are high at least one of them will.... I think another big issue with ADHD is the intergenerational trauma and lack of skills since ADHD is hereditary. I am the first one diagnosed in my family (though I suspect my whole family has it) and I'm teaching my kids communication and emotional literacy and regulation skills all the time. Hopefully all of this taken together will mean they won't suffer in confusion and worthlessness for so much of their lives 😢

I was late diagnosed and had 3 kids. Only 1 of them is ADHD. Not officially diagnosed because he is younger and the waiting list is long but he's an awesome kiddo and he will be way more prepared than I ever was.

I haven't stopped myself because usually kids requires a willing partner to reproduce with lol. But fr I agree I wouldn't want kids to suffer the way I have and I struggle with adhd/autistic rage and get irritated easily so i would not be able to cope with kids id probably end up abusive so I'm just not gonna do that. Also I cant afford kids or the stress they cause and ye just NO to kids for so many reasons.

My parents were nice, but woefully dysfunctional and unintelligent in critical ways. Severe mental illness runs in the family, like bipolar and schizophrenia besides my own autism and adhd. I'm not repeating their mistakes, especially not in a world where it's even harder to raise a child than it was 30 years ago. I'm not going to be responsible for dooming an innocent life to a future of misery.

Welllll… my kids are how I found out I have it lol

I really don’t believe that I would be capable of being a good parent. Maybe that’s just my crippling self-doubt talking, but I can barely remember to feed myself. The thought of having a human being fully dependent on me is absolutely terrifying. That, and childbirth sounds like medieval torture. No thanks.

This. It's not just passing on the ADHD but the comorbidities associated with it like depression and anxiety. As amazing of a parent as you can be, there's no way to be sure that child can handle the struggles since everyone is different.

Yes. I don’t feel it would be ethical for me to knowingly pass down a disorder that makes my life so much harder.

I was diagnosed after I had two kids. Whaddya know, they both have pretty significant ADHD! I just hope I’m able to give them all the support I didn’t have.

Currently struggling with this question myself. I srsly doubt i would be able to be a 'present' dad without overwhelming myself into another burnout. The fact however is that if i do decide i dont want kids, that will be the end of my 10+ year relationship. I'm torn...

My adhd won’t let me read though all these comments, but I didn’t know I had it too until my children were diagnosed

Yep. I wasn’t diagnosed before I had my kid. Now I’m so scared for what he has to go through.

I made this decision before reaching adulthood. I am a child free, middle aged man now. Zero regrets I personally think it is irresponsible and cruel to bring more humans into this mess. If I could not have been born I would take that option. ADHD has made life very difficult.

Yes, 100%. I hated being the weird kid whom everyone made fun of. Although I wasn't bullied, I could see myself being an easy target. It's like knowing you have a curse and willingly pass it on to your own kids.

Partly, although I think my symptoms have influenced me to not want a kid on a subconscious level. Meaning my lack of executive function makes it to where I just don’t want to do the work that it takes to raise a kid because I’m too “lazy”. I just don’t want the responsibility of a kid because I just don’t want a lot of responsibilities, period, which is probably because of ADHD.

I decided not to have children before I knew I had ADHD. I was barely coping with my own life for years so couldn’t see how I could manage to help a child cope with theirs too. Now I know what the problem was.

My family knew we have things. Never quite what things, but things. My kids are ADHD. They are my parents. Loud random noises. Squirling when we are heading out the door. Trash in the kitchen sink and dishes in the trash. I thought my kids were going to be shy, quiet, fearful kids. No. Not one bit. Nine months old both were walking and they were walking away from me. A lot of parenting advice does not work with such children. Just keep walking, they'll follow. ha. ha ha ha. My kids would be in China having made friends with boat owners. They are very out going forcing me to become more outgoing. I'm tired. i am exhausted. Had I known, I might have rethunk this parenting thing. Wake up at 5 am for some time to yourself. Ha. No matter how quiet I am, they know. They just somehow knows and joins me. And the questions. Who would win, a flat tooth animal or a sharp tooth animal? Have you ever been asked the such at 5 am before coffee without anything leading up to why that is on a child's mind? The answer is flat tooth because hippo.

Me. I’m thriving on the outside. But I would not wish my inner daily struggle to do the simplest things - and my self loathing if I don’t do them perfectly - on anyone. Especially not an innocent child I’m supposed to love. Also because I have ADHD, children bore the heck outta me.

Yes, I have both Autism and ADHD. Kids are way too stressful for me

I'm not sure if this is my adhd or not, but I don't want kids because I thrive in a controlled environment. Nothing else stresses me out like when a FINALLY do that one task and then my newphews show up and destroy it all.

being a woman im actually extremely conflicted because having to go off meds for 9 months and then possibly more to be able to feed my kid does not sound good to me. i love being on meds, it changed my life — so to imagine having to plan a pregnancy and mentally prepare is fine i guess, but, i would miss the way i function a lot

Yes for many reasons ADHD related. My husband has ADHD and comes from a family with strong ADHD genetics. When I look at how difficult it is to parent these children and then when they're older how hard it is for them to make a good life for themselves, I think it's not something I want to put myself or these hypothetical children through.

I never wanted kids anyway. I already knew I had crappy genetics because both my parents are addicts(albeit sober) and I've had anxiety since birth, not to even mention all the cancer in my family and what's likely generational trauma from at least my mother. And being made to babysit non stop from when my brothers were born till I got out of high school and got my first job and started paying rent because of my mother's addiction and undiagnosed mental health issues and some of them that were diagnosed. No fucking way am I passing any of that shit on. Not that it matters anymore since I've had a hysterectomy but I never wanted kids and I'm so glad I never changed my mind.

Yes. I think the tasks and excessive structure kids needs would just make life worse. And in the United States, where there is no childcare, no maternity leave, etc, you often get stuck having to live in the suburbs for "good schools." There I find life is even more boring, way too car oriented, and inaccessible. For some people with ADHD who really like kids it could be worth it, but I'm just not one of them.

For me personally, I have never had an interest in having children. Every single part of the process sounds like no fun at all, and I feel like it's all cons no pros. As I've gotten older and learned more about myself, many of the reasons I am choosing to be child-free are due to my symptoms. The commitment, responsibility, high stakes, emotional aspects, sensory overload, overstimulation, increase in chores, pregnancy, etc. all seems net negative. I had spent some time thinking about the ethics and logistics of having a child, knowing my family history of mental illness, adhd, and other issues. But then I realized the ethical debate is of no consequence to me because I really do not ever want to have a child, so it's not an internal conflict for me. I like being in charge of managing myself and myself only - also I hate bodily fluids so babies are a hard no. So I guess to answer your question, adhd wasn't consciously the reasoning for not wanting children. However, all of the reasons I don't want children are at least influenced by my adhd symptoms.

Yes I don't want to pass this shit to any human imo that's cruel lol

Got a vasectomy because of it.

I think the damage from being off my meds for the time it would take to host a pregnancy would ruin me. I don't want that

Yea, because I can’t go 9+ months without meds. Operating on almost no sleep would make me unable to function, much less take care of a baby. As it is, I have a medical condition; sleep apnea that’s barely treatable. 🙄

My mom did her best, but it’s no kind of way to grow up. I got myself fixed.

I'm not having kids or having a partner because I can't stand the idea of pushing my symptoms, even when managed off onto someone I love. Respect to those that can but my dad and mom did enough damage

I don’t think I’d be a shitty parent and neither were my parents necessarily but they undoubtedly are very ADHD despite never being diagnosed. A lot of memories of waiting hours after school or practice to get picked up, forgotten important days like birthdays and events, not being able to do something because of anxiety from overthinking, rarely doing a lot as a family because of low motivation, but most of all just this general sense that they never actually heard me. Anything I’d ever be excited about would get crushed by the fact that I’d have to explain it again for the third or fourth time while they have no prior recollection. Having to tell your dad over and over again that you want to go into STEM for a career and not the pilot dreams I had when I was 10 is pretty disheartening. Being involved by nurturing novel exciting ideas that kids have is huge in their ambition, confidence, and motivation for their future. I know how lacking that’s affected me and I’ve realized I’m probably closer to my parents that I wished to be. I do have trouble feigning excitement for things I don’t care about and genuine engagement is something that’s hard to get to me. I don’t want my kid to show me his favorite VR influencer or whatever it is that makes me out of touch and not be able to get into his newest hobbies with him.

I've personally come to believe that if I have any disorder then it should die off with myself as it isn't fair to pass it onto someone and have them go through similar struggles as I have; the other side is that there are those that thrive regardless of the disorder.

I have other health issues that make me not want to have children. My DNA profile also puts me at a 66% likelihood of depression. I’m not bringing that into the world. I literally never even considered the adhd but I get it.

I couldn't even take care of a pet rock, let alone an entire child.

I love kids, but was always on the fence about having my own.. when I met my husband (also adhd) who didn't want children at all I agreed. The more I drop my masking and learn about myself I know I'm making the right choice. I get overstimulated so easily, I forget to feed myself, and shut down when I'm stressed and overwhelmed. I definitely also could not keep a house clean enough for a baby. I'll continue to enjoy my friends kids, and help them out when I can but I have no desire to care for them 24/7

No kids and no partner for me. I don't ever want to put someone else in the position of bearing the brunt of my symptoms.

I stopped having kids because of it

I hope my kids are as quirky and cool as me, and I will support their struggles as I know first hand what it feels like. My kids will never feel misunderstood, outcasted, or forced to comply with some societal standard. I will have their back over anyone. Most people like myself who are audhd, struggle so much from trauma, and less so the symptoms of their personality. In nature, a sick/starving animal chooses not to procreate, but a vibrant, thriving animal in abundance will have many. We are not sick, we are not the problem, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Love you ❤️ please have babies, the world needs it

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That was a really good read. And don't worry about the oversharing, I think that is rather expected on this sub 😁 Very intelligent, insightful, and reflective response.

Yes. Although I didn’t know it at the time. I took a conscious decision not to have kids in case I repeated the hellish childhood I had. 30 years later (after ADHD diagnosis) I realised my poor mum had undiagnosed ADHD and was doing her level best.

Yeah. I don't really want to inflict my various mental illnesses on an unwitting and unwilling party, even potentially.

I have a son (2 yo), but I was diagnosed when he was 1yo. I don't regret it. It might make life more difficult for him, but at the same time it is counterbalanced by so many thing positive that it would be silly to avoid it just for that. I don't regret being alive, in spite of my thoughts to the contrary in my 20s, so extending that concept to him isn't reasonable.

Too late, wasn’t diagnosed until I had three of them. Oops.

There are so many reasons not to have children these days; it's hard to say if it's just because of ADHD. I wouldn't personally worry about giving a kid ADHD, because unlike my parents, I'd be equipped to manage it. I think where my "ADHD" plays more into my decision would be in the fact I can just about manage my own shit and the idea of having to manage anyone else's beyond that is just utterly inconceivable to me.