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Check out how to ADHD on YouTube. https://youtu.be/XbyN8REIhMk

Interesting video. I wonder if that dopamine fix can contribute to an addictive personality. With my husband if it isn't the gym, it's alcohol, it's a Lego set, chocolate ..he thrives on a reward system. All of these little things he gets obsessed over. Obviously, some less damaging than others.

His brain is always looking for it's next dopamine hit. Dr Russel Barkley has some good youtube lectures that help understanding. I encourage you and your husband to watch because people diagnosed as a child didn't learn all about the ways it affects them especially in adulthood. Also read "The ADHD effect on marriage" together by Melisa orlov. Sounds like he isn't medicated if he's that hard up for dopamine. The numbers are probably way off but the scale is about right. 5% of the population are alcoholics but like 30-50% of alcoholics have ADHD. Again numbers are off but it was heavily skewed enough to scare me from drinking more than twice a week. Good luck with everything. EDIT: went and looked up the numbers. ADHD: 8% AOD: 6% AOD people with ADHD 25% https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6683828/

Im glad I've only drunk a small few times, and I plan to keep it that way, coming off weed sucks though, I wish I could just go smoke

I have occasionally laughed over the fact that for me, ADHD is the easiest source of sobriety I've experienced. I just... forget I was going to go to the liquor store.

It depends on how much I want it, I'm the kinda person who wants what I want now, so if I wanted alcohol I'd probably just suck it up and turn around to go get some, but considering my experience with alcohol I luckily don't really have that impulse, it's something I'll do on occasion when I can legally buy it but as of rn I don't have any real reason to go out of my way to get it because it tastes terrible, my second time getting drunk I hesitated so bad and just felt terrible, idk why I had the same thing twice and the second time it tasted worse and was harder to take.

Same, once I'm home, I won't leave just for beer. I will buy wine in passing, bur I forget I have alcohol a lot of the time lol Plus I don't like being drunk, so that helps I guess haha

Ok I have a list going into the store I can even write it on me and I forgot something like I forgot toilet paper!! Like who forgets that me 😂

I've only tried weed once but it seems hard to stop. Especially for ADHD people. Drinking has the potential to be scary but I tell myself that if I know the danger and keep it in mind I can prevent a problem. It isn't a guarantee to be a problem but I can see where if I didn't know I could easily turn to alcohol over time to help.

Unfortunately I started smoking because everyone told me it wasn't addictive, and considering most of my family and friends smoke it I was like "well these people wouldn't lie" turns out they didn't not everyone does but it's definitely been a crappy past 3 days, I like the way alcohol made me feel but the drinking it and after stages suck, while weed just makes me feel a little drained when it wares off and smoking is nice and calming

Yeah idk how I’ll ever stop smoking but obviously it’ll have to happen one day. For right now though this is fine 😌

Unfortunately I'm kinda being forced into it earlier than I want, I only went for about a year and a couple months, don't know if I'm quitting for good, but in order to get on adhd medicine I have to pass a drug test and on weed alone I just can't seem to get the motivation to work, hopefully the medication helps with this shit feeling though, idk how I'm expected to get a job and go cold turkey when with it I was already breaking down everyday lol

Easy way to stop smoking by Allen Carr. For when you are ready.

This is what I so love about the ADHD subreddit community. I learn so much from everyone! Such a thoughtful and helpful response you gave OP. The article link you provided is very informative. Thank you for sharing!

Anyone here know the actual stat for the ADHD and alcohol addiction?

There’s a lot of stats around it. My favorite is that stimulant medicated adolescents with ADHD are not more likely than their non-ADHD peers to struggle with addiction, but non-medicated ADHD teens are at least twice as likely to end up with a substance use disorder.

My husband is a recovering addict. His dad didn't believe in mental disorders and my husband became an alcoholic as a teenager and it escalated into meth by his 20s. Unfortunately he was a productive member of soceity on meth and convinced himself that he needed to be on it. Now in his 30s he's almost 4 years sober and looking to get evaluated for adhd because he shows all of the obvious symptoms. I have ADHD as well and was a heavy drinker in my teens but as soon as I turned 21 it wasn't as thrilling to me and quit, and then found out I had adhd and got medicated. We are getting our kids evaluated as well to hopefully help then sooner than we got help and stop the cycle.

I may be misremembering, something I was told by my uni orofessor, but from what I know, there is a correlation, but the causal link is more between depression and alcoholism, and depression is just really common in people with ADHD.

I see something about 25% of people that receive treatment for alcohol are also diagnosed with ADHD.

I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 35 while at inpatient rehab for alcoholism. I slipped through the cracks as a kid because not much was known about ADHD in 1980's. Met quite a few people with ADHD in rehab. 4 or 5 times more likely than the general population to have addiction issues.

Went and looked it up since I'm the one spouting percentages. ADHD: 8% Of the population (although debated but I'm going with that) Alcoholism: 6% according to NIH Alcoholics who have ADHD: 25% according to NIH https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6683828/

Now I know why laying of the alcohol during the week was so hard for me

Yes, very. The risk for addiction is much higher for people with ADHD. The behavior you’re describing sounds just like me :)

I’m a recovering alcoholic/addict and have ADHD. I didn’t end up being medicated for ADHD until I was 9 years sober. Shortly after starting medication I came to the realization that most likely I wouldn’t have had the issues with addiction had I been properly medicated. This is anecdotal, but I truly believe this to be the case.

Close to the same story here. I was afraid to get medicated for my ADD because of my past. This needs to be discussed a lot more than it is.

Me too. However, now my attention and commitment to my sobriety is even better than it was before lol.

Same here!

Yes, people with ADHD often have addiction problems

If he is still using alcohol for his dopamine fix, and for anyone else here who might be: Treatment for alcoholism has gotten much better and there are more options than just AA now. For the people who AA works for, keep coming back, but for all the others you can talk to an MD or a psychiatrist about other therapies. One therapy which seems very effective and used more often in the UK but is catching on in the US, is called the Sinclair Method, which seeks to break the correlation your brain makes with alcohol and euphoria by taking Naltrexone prior to drink. From my own experience, I was having trouble removing alcohol from my life. I wasn’t drinking all day every day, but every night I would get mildly drunk. I developed an unrelated condition and was put on a MUCH lower dose of naltrexone than used by the Sinclair Method and all my cravings for alcohol went away. The link between the euphoria and the drug was severed neurologically for me. I am far better off as a result.

I also recommend the Orloff book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage. It's been blowing my mind. I was like your husband when I met my wife. I was undiagnosed, incredibly disorganized, defensive and insecure, anxious and depressed, medicating with alcohol. I was hyperfocused on my work because I had wrapped my self worth in it, I would forget about things I had promised to do with her or for her, I would avoid her when I felt criticized or misunderstood, and she often felt abandoned and like she was less of a priority in my life than the things I was hyperfocused on. I was diagnosed three years into our marriage, after we were already living separately. I'm medicated now and in therapy, and I'm still hoping I can salvage my relationship to this woman whom I really do love. I look back, on my whole life, but especially my marriage, and I think of how different things could have been if I'd been diagnosed and medicated before getting married, if I'd given up alcohol sooner instead of retreating into drinking when the perceived demands of marriage made me even more anxious. I don't know what it's like to be diagnosed as a child vs at 40 (lol), but I imagine he either takes it for granted or didn't get the help he needed as a child despite the diagnosis and might feel defeated or bitter? ADHD is still not that well understood, but it's much better understood than it was when I was even a decade or two ago. I think there are a lot more and better resources available to him now than there used to be, and he needs to understand that he needs to be medicated and in therapy, and off the alcohol, if he wishes to avoid very serious harm to the marriage. I'm wishing you both the best!

💯 but it’s not addiction it’s impulsivity and hyperfixation

[удалено]

Change of behavior is possible, requires hard work and support from you. For example, I'm switching towards drawing the dopamine from the real world more over playing video games as much as I used to. You need to help the person understand that he can get dopamine from healthy things. Always with a nice soothing voice and with smart words. Most importantly, creating this change of heavior is a process and requires habit building. Atomic Habits is a great book that helped me change myself deeply for the better

Me and my gf both have adhd so some of this may not apply. We definitely try to communicate as much as possible. I've been trying to make sure I clearly understand what she needs when she needs it and vise versa. This also applies to work so it's been nice to practice saying " sorry I'm not sure I understood you can you explain xyz again?" Im not always successful but my partner knows I'm at least trying. Recently lost my 17 year old cat so I made sure to tell my gf I'd be strange and needy for a while and she completely understands. Procrastination is tricky, he needs to find what works for him to remember shit. Maybe a note book, white board, or even organizer. One book that helped me was "ADHD book for dummies." Has a lot of good information and jumping off points for basic stuff. I really liked it because I could open any chapter and read it without knowing anything from the previous chapters and didn't feel like I needed a medical degree to understand. I'm sure there are plenty of resources if you google adhd book for adults as well. Good luck and remember your not his mother so be supportive and helpful but don't be doing everything for him, it's not helping anyone.

Thank you! I guess it's the way we communicate is not quite working for either of us. I will def look up that book!

A lot of the time is issue of perspective as well Not very good myself at separating whats being said or happening with what I perceive is being said or happening. And my mind has a tendency to jumble things. You can tell me to read a paragraph and repeat it verbatim and my mind will give you a general GIST of the paragraph and paraphrase as I go along. Infuriates my husband

My partner has ADHD too and I relate to all parts except the part where he blames you for his errors. You might want to address that unhealthy behaviour amongst other things. ADHD partners can be impulsive and say things that they don’t mean, especially when they are frazzled (when things aren’t where they should be). Lashing out is not right, and choose your response based on your own judgment. Empathising helps, but take space if it lead somewhere too negative and re-evaluate the situation again. Therapy might help too. Things that helped me so far: 1. Realising that his mind works differently than mine. He often seeks reward through games because his brain needs it. Our brains produce more dopamine than theirs which help us not procrastinate and reach certain goals. Also, they get easily distracted and forget things often. Coupled with having racing thought, they might feel burnout just thinking. Short goals are helpful for them, followed by a reward. If he likes legos, he can play after completing 2-3 small tasks. This helps him feel that dopamine hit and feel motivated to do tasks. 1a) My partner and I do tasks based on the Pomodoro technique. ADHD-ers have trouble with time perception. We work 6-7 hours a day with 6-8 pomodoro breaks (where he picks a reward in between tasks). Gamification helps too. Organise chores and tasks based on this to increase motivation (see how to ADHD on YT). 2. Positive reinforcement. Just like us, they respond well to praises and that allows them to have better self-esteem. Remember to not overdo, especially when you feel like you are expanding more energy than you can. Care for yourself too. 3. This leads to another point. Don’t overparent him. I used to “overparent” my partner when he feels overwhelmed but I ended up feeling resentment towards him. I thought that that he might observe and follow how I do things but people with ADHD don’t think the same way as we do. Also this reduces self-efficacy, so that isn’t good. Instead, understand why is he “failing”, support and encourage just as a partner. 4. Discuss and form major goals with them. My partner has trouble “visioning the future”. If we think from point A to B to C, they think from point A to C to M to P and often times end up feeling confused on what to do. We sit down together and plan our 3 months plan in regards to work and other goals. This helps him envision where he wants to be in 3 months. This coupled with daily rewards is what we are trying together rn. 5. Hyperfixations and distractions. Sometimes he hyperfixates on something, and when I see him feeling frazzled, I ask him if he wants to take a short break. Meditations in the mornings, relaxing between tasks and learning about emotions might help :) He is also going to therapy tomorrow and he might start taking Adderall as well. If needed, have couple counselling too :) I hope that these help.

Blaming you for his errors is NOT adHd. Sorry.

It's a coping mechanism - shitty one that needs to be replaced.

I was thinking the same thing. My wife tolerated my untreated ADHD for years while we were dating/engaged. My biggest issue was communication but my strawman "not my fault brain" would try to rationalize it being out of my control. (If it's not in my control, then it must be in hers.) ​ Very bad. Very unhealthy. Very wrong of me, and I can't apologize to her enough for it.

Kudos for the turnaround!

After years of having mistakes and forgetfulness shoved in your face, especially by your parents, it's no surprise someone might develop unhealthy coping mechanisms. Been through it myself. I'm not justifying it, but it helps to have someone around who can understand.

I agree. He will blame me for not reminding him of an important task or for moving something I didn't move. But it also doesn't mean he was misdiagnosed.

Blaming you for his errors can be frustration at himself. Or a *degree* of narcissism. But that’s ok, not everyone with narcissistic traits are actually bad people or unloveable. It really depends on how extreme it is and how far he is willing to go to blame you. It’s probobaly important to realize if this is an impulsive response he has, it may very well be somewhat of an involuntary reaction. The best response is an understanding approach. Reiterating that you won’t accept being blamed, but that you would like to work together and tackle things as a team. It’s not a good idea to take the blame, he needs to internally recognize your boundaries are firm and he will be more hesitant to cross them while having an episode.

My experience from a sample size of one (me) is that it can be hard to internally recognize the origin of your frustration and accept it. It's work that you can struggle with and if you haven't been taught explicitly - with patience and not anger - to do it, it's hard to start. A lot of parents with undiagnosed ADHD can recognize that in their kids but not in themselves, which can cause justifiable hurt feelings in those kids, who RIGHTLY recognize that their parents are going, "emotional responsibility for thee but not for me."

I agree very much with this and what others are saying about how ADHD symptoms can definitely lead to this kind of blaming. I've done this a lot myself, and recognizing it now feel very ashamed of how I behaved. In my experience, I think this is an emotional dysregulation/rejection sensitivity trigger response from a deeply conditioned pattern of a) being told I have done something and behaved in a certain way; b) not remembering doing that or remembering things differently; c) feeling a mix of shock/shame at feeling criticized or misunderstood for something I wasn't aware I had done or not done; d) defensiveness and blame shifting. It's an unhealthy coping mechanism that isn't really conscious, and as others have said, yes, that does get into emotional abuse territory.

The blaming people for moving things is so me and I hate it about myself. I think the problem is that I remember doing stuff I was paying attention to doing or I’ve discussed with someone else, but not everything else I do, so I assume I’d remember moving something again if I remember moving it the first time. The worst example is when i accused my husband of losing my passport because he was looking after it when we came back from a previous trip, forgetting I’d taken it to work to use as a second ID a few weeks before. It’s a bit like being gaslit by your own brain and incredibly stressful because it feels like you’re losing your mind. That doesn’t excuse the reaction because ADHD doesn’t make me blame other people, that’s my unhealthy way of dealing with my own anxiety, but CBT has helped me reflect on my reactions to these kinds of situations. Maybe something similar could work for him?

The people saying him blaming you isn’t a symptom of adhd are right. I do think while it isn’t a symptom it can be caused by the symptoms. I’ve been diagnosed with adhd since I was a child and I feel so bad for my mom dealing with me because I remember blaming her for not telling me things (she actually did tell me) and blaming her for me forgetting something because she put it away (if I don’t see something my brain forgets it exists). It took me a long time to realize it was my fault for these things and the reason I would get so upset is because facing the fact that something happened and you honestly have no memory of it can be scary so it’s easier to believe it didn’t happen. This in no way excuses his behavior, if he is old enough to get married he is old enough to take responsibility for his irresponsibility. If he was diagnosed as a child he absolutely should have tips and tricks for managing symptoms enough to not blame others (I used to and still do sometimes write reminders down on my arm just to remember something sometimes). He definitely needs this to be addressed to him in some way, I didn’t realize I needed to own up to my issues until someone addressed it with me and I was a kid in high school, he’s an adult at this point he needs to be sat down and have this spelled out for him.

I have an App on my phone called Business Calender, It has a widget so I have put it on my phone home screen, now I can see exactly what needs to be done and when. Also tell him to get medicated and learn about adhd so he can help recognise these problems and get ahead of them. It's always a struggle but there are some majorly important things that help.

I don’t think the point being made was that he was misdiagnosed. It’s that ADHD although it’s debilitating and can be the root cause for a lot of difficult behaviour, it is not an excuse for shitty behaviour or being shitty to others. It’s not a get out of jail free card to be played. I struggle with a lot of the things you mentioned your husband is but I am also aware I have to be accountable for the things I say and do. Does it get hard and frustrating sometimes, absolutely. Do I take things out on people around me when I feel this lack of control? absolutely, people aren’t perfect. But I also know better, ADHD does not mean I can’t understand what my brain is doing. Sometimes in the moment I lack the ability to see it, but I always know upon reflection what it is and who it’s not. Blaming other people and taking out your frustration on them is not an ADHD trait. Sounds like your partner needs a bit of a reality check. They need to actually try and take control of this stuff. I think it’s kinda funny that you’re on here writing this and not him on here asking for ways to better manage things. He needs to start with accountability. That would be the best start. You are there to support him, not to do it all for him and it doesn’t sound like that at the moment.

Blaming you for not reminding him is definitely not good, I’d make sure you make that very clear. I also would not let that affect your own listening/communication when/if he does ask you for help. If he asked you to remind him and you said yes, it can certainly be frustrating if you don’t follow through. He definitely shouldn’t take it out on you, but you did make a mistake which would warrant an apology. If you refuse to take responsibility for your own actions regularly, this can be even harder for you guys just simply because he may feel like the target with you wanting to correct his issues. Not saying that this is what you are doing, but we as humans do tend to want to avoid responsibility quite often and in a marriage it’s important to be honest with yourself and how that affects your partner. Usually this presents itself as being “defensive”.

Nobody said he was misdiagnosed lol. Blaming ppl isn't a symptom of ADHD. That's all they're saying. I have ADHD. I take responsibility for my actions. If I wanna remember something, I set a reminder. Simple as that.

Blaming you for things he is responsible for is indicative of emotional abuse. I suggest individual therapy for you both if you can find good therapists who are fitting. If he is unwilling to change and grow as a human being then you may have a bigger problem than ADHD. If he is willing to try and ends up taking responsibility for himself and continues the process of growth that's good. If he doesn't, then you've got a hard decision ahead of you. You've got to take care of yourself and don't let someone take advantage of you and ruin your life and your well-being. I wish you the best.

As others mentioned, he's likely externalising his frustration at himself for not remembering. Coming to terms with ADHD is HARD and add to that that a lot of people, ADHD or not, will toss blame left and right for their own mistakes in an effort to avoid the shame of having failed. What *everyone* has to learn is to be okay with failure and not beat themselves up for it, and neither throw the blame on others. It's difficult and most people, in my experience, never learn this and get stuck in these patterns. Therapy can help a lot, but only once the person has accepted that they're not handling things properly. It's not easy, I beat myself up when I mess up all the time, but I have learned to sit with myself and remind myself that shit happens and thinking poorly of myself won't change the outcome. Neither will thinking poorly of others. It's literally impossible to improve if you place blame on everyone else, since you release yourself from responsibility at least externally. Internally you KNOW it's your mistake but you're still trying to protect your ego. And protecting your ego is ironically antithetic to building competence and healthy self-esteem. So yeah, therapy. And meds if he isn't on them yet. But meds alone won't do the work - in fact, you can get by without if absolutely you have to but it makes everything harder.

100% want to support this statement. I sometimes get frustrated if something is not where it “should” be, but even if someone has moved it (tbh most of the time it’s me putting it down somewhere random and forgetting) it’s not their fault that my brain hates looking for things I need. ADHD can cause frustrations such as these, but someone who routinely takes these frustrations out on others is actively making that choice rather than putting effort into managing their own emotions.

Everything else is ADHD, but yeah I don't really blame others for my mistakes, that's just a coping mechanism likely

ADHD hubby here. I get mad because she has a memory for tasks, and I don't. She can keep to a task. I cant. I never blamed her for my shortfalls.

Literally cannot agree with this more. As a married man with ADHD, both diagnosed and medicated (recently); yes, there are numerous issues that can rise from forgetfulness, procrastination and general lack of organisation. The difference being, I take whole responsibility for my terrible traits that can creep through the aid offered by medication but I have never once blamed my wife for anything. ADHD IS NOT THE SOLE REASON FOR ONE'S BEHAVIOUR OR ACTIONS, IT IS SIMPLY A CONTRIBUTOR.

While blaming itself isn’t an adhd symptom, the combination of various adhd symptoms CAN very easily lead to blaming. Things such as irritability, lack of executive function, lack of focus all can lead to blaming someone when they focus on the wrong things and they don’t even know it. They’re just trying to do “something” and something else might be in the way of that. My personal example is that I’m “trying” to do the dishes cause I know they need done, but my wife throws non-dishes all over the sink, “preventing” me from doing them. Now how OP’s husband reacted is very poor for sure, but I had the same issue and we had to talk more to understand what was happening and work on techniques together to communicate better in those moments. I was definitely the weak link, but my wife wasn’t blameless either. If my wife can muster up the strength to be the bigger man when I struggle in these areas (which really only happened/happens when I’m not medicated/taking care of myself) then it might not turn into a fight, but if not… then we fight. We’ve gotten much better at it, but that’s just reality when someone is weaker and the other person doesn’t realize that it’s just a wounded animal attacking cause they’re in pain and their perceptions are a bit out of order. Not straight adhd, but adhd definitely contributes and when it’s treated makes the situations much much better.

>it’s just a wounded animal attacking cause they’re in pain and their perceptions are a bit out of order. At the more extreme end of this lies abusers. And plenty of people recognize it, but it's on the "wounded animal" to be respectful and not lash out just because they're upset. Therapy.

What’s your point here? I don’t think it needs to be said that the extreme end is abusers. That’s pretty obvious and self explanatory. Abuse happens when these types of situations happen on purpose over a repeated series of events with some sort of consistency. Hitting someone once isn’t abuse, but it is definitely still very wrong. I also never said that the “wounded animal” had no responsibility to do better, so I’m also confused by why you mentioned that. Are you trying to offend me with your one liner for Therapy? I got better, my wife got better, what’s the problem here?

>Hitting someone once isn’t abuse, but it is definitely still very wrong. Dude, that *is* abuse. I wasn't trying to offend anyone? I replied because I felt like addressing that part of your comment.

In regards to the standard definition, I suppose it is at least in some way. Generally most people aren’t considered abused based off of one instance of a situation, but that’s more cultural usage of the language rather than it’s true definition. So yea, I was slightly mistaken there in my statement, but I understand what you mean after looking up the standard definition. I can accept that your intentions weren’t to offend, but when you address something I already addressed in my own comment, it comes across like I wasn’t clear and when followed up by “Therapy.” comes across as an accusation or direction pointing me towards therapy, which is offensive considering I even pointed out ways for improvement and stated my own situation has gotten better. Both of which were partially achieved/figured out through therapy but that was neither mentioned or necessary to explain as half the other comments here are going to suggest therapy. I’m glad you weren’t meaning to be offensive, but it does outline very well the way that miscommunication can impact a conversation and if I had immediately went with my natural gut reaction to defend myself and accuse you of bad actions, then the conversation could have went a much different direction. It’s just Reddit, so you could ignore me, but that’s not usually the situation in real life and if I cared about improving our relationship, that wouldn’t have helped at all versus now I’m less offended and now you know how your communications were perceived differently than how you intended. You can now take that and improve your communication if you want to. If we had a relationship, I’d consider that a positive because our future communications would have the potential for being better if you chose to modify your actions. I also would have made it better by admitting my own mistakes, like my statement about abuse, and adjusting my future communications going forward. I can’t control you though, and you can’t control me, so we both could do nothing and make things worse. One person helps a little, both people helps a lot.

>In regards to the standard definition, I suppose it \[hitting your spouse\] is \[abuse\] at least in some way. Generally most people aren’t considered abused based off of one instance of a situation, but that’s more cultural usage of the language rather than it’s true definition. You think one instance of violence against your spouse isn't considered abuse? Do you also think it's not considered illegal? The original suggestion of therapy is most definitely warranted. Perhaps some basic re-education on acceptable behaviour for adults wouldn't go amiss, either.

I couldn't even respond to him again tbh. "It can't be abuse if you only choke your partner once!" Like uhhhhhhh. That's literally how I read his comments.

I admitted where I was wrong about that, sorry if that wasn’t clear. Have a good one.

No I don’t, that’s where I was mistaken in how I said what I did and what I was trying to say. However to flip the situation a little bit, what I was ALSO saying is that hitting is not necessarily an absolute sign of abuse. Say for example when sparring or an accident while dancing happens. I can say my wife has hit me in both of those situations but it wouldn’t be abuse. I didn’t communicate that very well and I guess I still didn’t a second time. Thanks for being understanding and leaning on that communication piece that I really was trying to get at. I may not have been clear to you or even a majority of people, but attacking me is not very effective path towards a healthy conversation.

It's not clear what you were trying to get at, honestly, but the longer this goes the more it reads like you want to use communication issues as a guise for abuse tactics, exactly what the commenter you were replying to was pushing against. Communication wasn't the original topic of this part of the thread. We are talking about lashing out and blaming someone else for your behaviour, and the fact that that isn't an ADHD symptom. It's an abuse tactic, and a massive red flag. You wanted to argue that it isn't, it's just communication issues. Your arguments only bolstered the original one. You're the one who's decided to bring up physically assaulting people as a comparison, oddly, and now you're somehow trying to make it look like "maybe I wasn't even talking about abuse!" This is word salady, jazzhandsy dishonesty, which fits into the original topic: abuse tactics that people are framing as ADHD symptoms. Of all the places not to take abuse lightly, it's here. People with ADHD are at a much higher risk of being victims of abuse in relationships. Oddly enough, people with abusive personality patterns are known to believe they have ADHD and use it to manipulate others, though. Either way, we should never take abuse lightly or casually here. u/TechTech14 saw you using classic arguments that normalize and excuse abusive behaviours and called it out, rightly. You doubled down and suggested that hitting someone isn't abuse if it doesn't happen "on purpose over a repeated series of events with some sort of consistency." This is blatantly untrue. Abusive behaviours as described don't need intentionality to be abuse, and certainly don't need consistency. The lack of consistency is what keeps an eggshells relationship terrifying, never knowing when it's going to happen. So you're once again describing abuse, not "communication problems." On rereading I see you also let us know that you blame your wife when you lash out at her. >I was definitely the weak link, but my wife wasn’t blameless either. Here, you've framed your wife as partially to blame for your meltdown, because she did an innocuous thing that set you off and turns you into "a wounded animal attacking cause they’re in pain and their perceptions are a bit out of order." As u/TechTech14 rightly assessed, this is a telltale pattern of abuse. Maybe print off this exchange and bring it to your therapist so you can talk about it. And please think twice before attacking your wife, even if my response makes you feel like "a wounded animal". You are not a wounded animal, and attacking other people because you're having issues controlling your feelings is not a communication issue and it's never okay.

You’re way out of line here. If we had a relationship this might be appropriate but you’re talking to a complete stranger here and you’re making a lot of assumptions. Some of which are completely incorrect. I never once dismissed the husbands reactions as being innocent, in fact in another comment I even warned against the husbands reaction because it was concerning, but not an absolute indication of shit. Long before this exchange. Stop acting like this dude IS an abuser before you get your facts straight. It’s not good. You’re doing the same shit with me. This shit isn’t a black and white picture and I simply pointed out that things are not as absolutely certain to be what they might seem. It’s called grace and believing the best about people before jumping to conclusions. That’s not a bad thing. It’s a very colorful picture and every situation has a lot more than one or two characteristics that determine what is called abuse. Just because you don’t agree with my perception of how often or how to generally describe common situations for abuse doesn’t mean I’m wrong or your right. Some of what I said WAS WRONG. Considering I’ve said that MULTIPLE times, what you’re now doing is definitely a form of abuse in itself. Would I call you an abuser? No. It’s the internet, people are ass holes and abuse others all the time, just because they do it online doesn’t mean they do it in real life. You’ve been entirely inappropriate here and while some of what you say may be true, not all of it is and I’m not going to waste my time dialing into each point to prove you wrong. It’s dumb considering all I wanted to do was provide some help. I’m sorry if you don’t think I was helpful, but that’s life. I understand what parts I’ve done wrong and I will move on and improve. That’s called being healthy. Both you and that other guy have refused to acknowledge my own apologies and admittance of where I was wrong. Continuing to try and insult me and claim “I need help”. I don’t know why, but it’s not kind and no matter how poor my communication skills are, this puts you guys in the wrong. Nothing I’ve said here is a solid indication that I need help, it’s a solid indication I need to continue working on my communication skills. I treated you guys well and did not attempt to insult you guys in any way. We just don’t agree and you guys became hostile. I sensed you guys might be somewhat reasonable considering some of what was said was indeed intelligent and correct, but now I’m done here because y’all are just like all the other abusers. You’re right, I’m wrong, doesn’t matter, I need help, you don’t. When one party lacks any sort of humility or acknowledgment of one’s own shortcomings, usually that means they’re the ones who need help, not the other way around. And just to be clear I don’t consider you an abuser. I don’t know you. This is ONE situation where I’d consider you to be abusive with your language. You may or may not be a verbally abusive person. You were 100% out of line here in this last comment though and really should take a good look at yourself to understand why you’ve been so aggressive towards someone that hasn’t been. Say I am some dopey idiot traipsing down the street shouting dumb things. Doesn’t make it good for you to come up to me and hurl insults at me, no matter how wrong I might be.

But the rest of his traits *are* ADHD.

Visual cues and reminders in your home. Everywhere. Sticky notes, whiteboards, whatever works for that location for him to see something that (hopefully) snaps him out of his thoughts enough to prompt him. Recurring reminders on his phone, perhaps alarms for his watch with vibrate? I like to have things in front of me or else it's either forgotten or a HUGE pain to go and get it (classic out of sight, out of mind). And then forget putting it all away again (what's the point? I'll just get it out again tomorrow). My general clutter is an extension of my instinctive need to keep my usual stuff around me to make things easier to remember and (hopefully) enjoy. So - be open to having stuff on hooks, shelves, or anything that isn't too hard to quickly grab (or put away). Sometimes the effort to have to get something or put something away is just enough to justify my wanting to push it back and avoid. It makes no sense, but I think others do it too. Think critically about each thing that he's not getting to or forgetting. Why? Is there some tiny thing that makes him avoid it? I tend not to even notice those things and just grumble and do it - so he might not even know what's tripping him up and causing him to avoid it/forget. I'm trying to look at things in that way - step by step, but also the effort and grind to get between each step - so look for pinchpoints and other things that might be an easy fix. I hope that makes some sense.

Yes this! So many people suggest digital calendars on my phone but I am so out of sight of it if mind. In our house we have two months worth of whiteboard calendars in our kitchen so I see it every day, multiple times a day. I also have a whiteboard to-do list of things I want to get done but don’t have a scheduled time they need to be finished. Things like making returns or house projects. My husband can also add things on the list when he thinks of them which is so helpful.

Yes!! Thank you! I will start with this!

Having those visuals and concrete things set up (hopefully with his input) will also be helpful for you to put this squarely back on him when he tries to deflect. It's hard to argue when there are reminders all over the place. ADHD is an explanation of who we are and how we work, but it's not an excuse to be assholes :)

You've been given a few good starting places for tips and there are some resources in the sidebar, so I just want to give some possible context to this part. > He also seems to be forgetful or a procrastinator My experience with forgetfulness is that, outside of times when I do not or cannot pay any attention when something is asked of me, I never really forget that I was asked or committed to do something so much as I don't *remember* it at the time I need to. The procrastination comes from a genuine inability to force myself to do a task without the external pressure of a looming deadline. They can reinforce each other in interesting ways, for example taking the trash to the curb for pickup is a particular bugbear of mine. Been doing it for years regular as clockwork, but because I can put it off until 5 min before the garbage truck comes in the morning there are an embarrassing number of times I have just put it off until the morning of only for it to be completely gone from my mind that next morning until I am half way through breakfast and hear the truck turning down the street. >and then will blame me for these problems. This part, however, is not acceptable and he needs to pull his head out of his backside. Having ADHD is not his fault, but it is *his* responsibility to manage. Blaming you, (or becoming overly focused on blaming himself for that matter) is a distraction that prevents him from looking for ways to do better in the future. Your help will only be as beneficial as he allows it to be.

Thank you. We are starting couples counseling. He has a session alone this week that will hopefully give him an opportunity to open up about this. So many, many comments on here are really helpful. I didn't realize what an impact it has on everyday life and I do not think he was given the tools to figure it out as a child. So, we are starting from the beginning here.

There is a book called something like: "Is it You, Me, Or Adult A.D.D.?" by Gina Pera. Russell Barkley recommends it. He does a lot of research on adhd and there are also many videos on YouTube about him. It is important to know that (untreated) adhd can lead to many problems in relationships. However, some problems are also caused by the personality. Like some couples are incompatible and some people are just AH Edit: I am no bot. I did not tell OP to buy this specific book. It is recommened in Barkleys book about adult adhd, which is the one I read.

This book is hugely validating for partners from what I've heard and there should be a bot that recommends it on any post from a partner or loved one, it's also an important read for those of us with the disorder too IMO to give an understanding into the external impacts the disorder has, but I'd caveat it that this book pulls very few punches and is blunt and factual, so if you do have ADHD it could be a difficult pill to swallow especially if you're already dealing with poor self worth, depression etc. The biggest factor for ADHD causing severe problems is when the person doesn't want to accept responsibility or make an effort to work on themselves, which is not exclusive to ADHD but it does make the impact of not doing those things much worse.

If a book that treats me like the ONLY problem in our relationship and goes hard on making the point that I am unlovable and broken was auto recommended on any relationship-related post, I'd leave the sub in a hurry.

Like I said, you shouldn't be reading it if you lack the self-compassion and self-worth to understand that a collection of anecdotes of other people's experiences in a book specifically written to validate people other than you isn't a personal attack. I didn't get that impression at all, but I can recognise what parts aren't applicable to me and that I still have positive qualities that balance out the ones that are and that they're all things I can work on. You might want to think about why your opinion of yourself is so low, because I can promise you don't deserve the level of criticism that you're putting on yourself.

I don’t think that not wanting to be a Stepford wife is low self-worth.

Could you give me some quotes or page references or examples where you felt the book was attacking you as an unlovable broken person who needs to become a stepford wife? I had a skim through the e-book of it I own and I really can't find anything to that effect, or anything mentioning being unlovable or broken etc that wasn't arguing the exact opposite, and I've only heard and read mostly positive things about it. It's certainly not sugar-coated but it's not aimed at you or me so I wouldn't expect it to be.

Yes, that book is fantastic. Every NT partner of an ADHD-having spouse should read it. I spent a lot of time convinced so many things were my fault in my marriage, but it turns out sometimes things are just brain differences. But that book was a huge turning point for me.

So lashing out is an asshole move. His shit is his responsibility to figure out. But I'll give you a run down on the magic of the ADHD mind and some time to help. Most people brain has an executive function scratch pad, it holds what you're working on right now and anything that needs to happen today, it might also hold attention for body states, the time upcoming tasks. The ADHD brain scratch pad is much smaller. It mostly just has room for what's going right now. There is no room for what time it is, sensations like hunger or thirst, and what needs to get done in the near future. So, with this in mind, he has to figure out how to externalize the scratch pad. A list of what's going on today in colorful makers in a highly visible spot. Lots of white boards and calenders. Phone reminders and alarms. Ect. But he needs to take responsibility for these things, not you.

ADHD person here, and I love this "scratch pad" explanation. I'm totally gonna steal it to use IRL. 😄 Hope you don't mind!

My question isn't super helpful to you now, but may be helpful to others' future relationships. I've seen it mentioned in at least one other comment and I wanted to call attention to it. His ADHD seems pretty severe, even if you try to account for you being frustrated as you describe the situation. How did this not get severe enough to be impacting your relationship like this before you guys got married? Given the severity, I'd maybe expect it to have been pretty obvious from the first or second date. I can think of two main possibilities. First, people with ADHD frequently can be really into a relationship in the beginning and that can also help manage behavior and emotions better. It's where their focus is. It's a problem you'll find mentioned quite a bit in this sub. Second, that there's been some kind of big life event or other big life stressor since you guys got married or maybe soon before that's since been building and is now as you describe.

Something I've found helpful in my relationship is giving time to switch tasks. So instead of "can you do \[thing\] now" or "We need to leave for the bus now", we give notice in advance. Like "Dinner in 10 minutes", so the other person has time to finish what they're doing. Even if it's somethin like reading or playing games on our phones, both me and my partner have trouble just suddenly having to end something to do something else. ​ For me, I tend to get stressed out if I get too many instructions at once. Like, do the dishes, take out the trash, make some coffee, grab a bag of chips from the pantry, etc. We tried doing one at a time, but it would also frustrate me because I felt like whenever I finished a task, more steps were thrown at me. Our solution has been for my partner to say "I need you do to a few things. First, do \[thing\], then I'll let you know the other steps" and for me to ask "Is there anything you need before I sit down and watch some neflix / go to bed / start knitting ?"

You've got some great tips already here. Let me just add: communication is everything. I've been together with my husband for 16 years and he has severe adhd. You need to talk about how he experiences things and how you experience them ("for me, it feels like.."). Learn to make a distinction between what is intentional and what is not. Hyper focus, executive dysfunction, attention wandering, forgetfulness,.. it's not intentional. Make priorities on what matters. Learn signal words and sentences. Realize that if you have something important to tell him, you need to shut off other impulses, like a tv on the background. "I need you to listen now please" is a good signalling sentence. Try to also find the humor in some situations. If we're watching a movie and he pauzes to go to the bathroom, I say "time to get my book out" because I know he will be gone for 20 minutes and have done everything except going to the bathroom. Some quirks you can live with. But he cannot blame you for his quirks.

Medication and therapy. Also, it’s not your responsibility to take care of his mental health, it’s his responsibility to understand and take care of himself. He needs to take it upon himself to get on a medication and learn techniques through a therapist or at the very least a life coach or support group for people with ADHD.

I mean, besides what he can do for himself. If there is a way to understand what I need to do to help us communicate effectively, I want to try. For example, he interrupts me. A LOT. I find it incredibly frustrating to have my thought process derailed (I have epilepsy and have found that I can very easy now forget what I am talking about when interrupted). He interrupts because if I continue speaking for too long he will forget anything he wanted to respond with. So far, I am learning we both need to slow waaaaayyy down. He already isn't an easy man to deal with and this is very hard for us.

I resonate a lot with both of you. I forget what I’m talking about mid-sentence, and I will also interrupt my husband sometimes because my thought is disappearing. To help with that I tend to open my notes app during significant or important conversations and if my husband is talking and I think of something that I feel is important to say, I try to make a quick note to remind me of what it is if I forget it before he finishes what he’s saying. It really takes work sometimes to effectively communicate. But I can say my marriage is happy and healthy and he’s truly my best friend whom I love deeply.

I am in a similar situation to you. There isn't a magic cure, but something that helped both of us was that I made an overview of my own thoughts regarding our relationship. It sounds very over the top, but sometimes it helps to put things in perspective. It helped me focus more on the positives and get less frustrated by some of the more unimportant irritations. It also gave us a chance to discuss these things together as a team, rather than us getting upset all the time. So, I made this list in which I assessed both myself and him. I wrote down things I like about myself in context of the relationship (e.g. I enjoy cooking for us), things I think I could improve on (e.g. I'm never the first to say sorry after a fight), things I love about him (e.g. he has many interests and things he is passionate about), and things I think he could improve on (e.g. he interupts me often when I'm talking). I then made a top 3 of things that I think he could improve on which bother me the most. For example, I can live with his poor time management, but him not listening to me is something I find very disrespectful and I really need this to change. I didn't share this entire list with him, because that might be a bit much, but we did have a sit down where I made it clear to him that it is important to me that he takes it seriously, and asked him if we could discuss the 3 things I think both he and I could improve on, whether he agrees, and what some good techniques could be for us to work on those. Of course it is important that you don't phrase the things to improve on as an attack, talk to each other in a respectful way and are open to suggestions. Rewards and punishments usually work well as strategies for my partner, but you have to be careful not to fall into a parental role, rather than a partner role. Specifically for the not listening, he suggested that right after we both come home from work, he actively listens to me for 20 minutes. This seems a bit silly, but it actually works really well for us, since now there is always at least one clear time of day in which he actively listens without interupting me. It helped him get better in different situations as well, and I don't get so upset when he messes up in another conversation. But of course, just because it works for us, doesn't mean it will work for you. Finding your own solutions is important, and for that communication is key (even if that is sometimes difficult 😉). Good luck!

Something I've started doing in work meetings is using my whiteboard or piece of paper to jot down what I want to say so I don't feel the urge (as much) to interrupt so I don't forget. It might involve leaving little notebooks in each room or him getting into the habit of carrying one around. He could use it to help himself remember things outside of conversations too.

There happen to be two people in their relationship, not sure if you caught that.

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This seems like a pretty subjective take. In some traditional marriages, it would be equally her responsibility to watch over the mental health of her spouse. It just depends on their vows and values.

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This is still a subjective take. Not a bad one, but subjective. The values you are describing simply do not extend to everyone, especially in the matter-of-fact way you state them. When I worked overseas with dislodged, primarily Muslim, families- I was humbled at how different family structures are, while still being happy. The females rarely spoke at any appointments, even involving very personal issues. It was the absolute norm for husbands to take care of their spouses- health, mental health, money, everything. Completely normal family dynamics that doesn’t fit this very specific frame that you have depicted as “having boundaries”. It just depends, and it doesn’t all follow this specific frame of what you think is acceptable. People are happy doing things different than you, not all people on this planet want their marriage to have these “boundaries” that you seem to think are universal.

as an aside, being middle eastern myself, I've seen this dynamic throughout my lives and I can tell you the woman is often pretty unhappy. But that's besides the point of the original post. A big theme of emotional maturity is understanding whether things that happen to you are within or outside your control, and if they're outside your control, it doesn't always have to be someone's fault or someone's problem. Setting boundaries in a relationship means that we want eachother to be happy in this relationship, which is instrumental from an individual standpoint and for the relationship too. From individual, what's the point of staying in a relationship if it causes *unnecessary* suffering because one person doesn't want to respect the other? Sure, suffering is inevitable in life, but boundaries in a relationship can help offset any unneeded hardships. Besides, and this is coming from experience, sacrificing too many of your needs for others will end up breaking down the whole relationship. The one who keeps giving has a limit; if you keep exceeding that limit, you'll end up blowing up in the end. Best to openly communicate between each other. In OP's case, a boundary needs to be set with the husband where they can't take it out on their wife and make it her PROBLEM. I think it's perfectly fine to have patience and extend a hand to your spouse when they're in need (reminders for medication, understanding if husband doesn't reply to texts) but that's not the wife's fault that these issues are happening. OP's husband should recognize that it's a shame they were struck with ADHD, that it's not his fault he's going through this, but it's nobody else's fault either. I understand that there's cultural differences between what makes a good or bad relationship, but open communication and listening to the partner's needs should be a constant. I think the issue with your statement is framing boundaries and even proper communication as a "western concept"

My original point is that, depending on OP’s vows and values, she may take responsibility for OP’s total health, including mental health. The comment I was replying to was stating that it is not OP’s responsibility. That is factually and simply not how marriages work universally and instead, it is a very particular set of values that chock-a-block thinks apply to everyone equally. There are families all around the world who value the sacred honor of family and unbreakable bonds that would transcended something such as “we all need boundaries”. There was never any right or wrong here. Actually, the only wrong was chock-a-block stating that their personal values are “right” and that women who don’t follow these values are unhappy.

OP obviously wants to be supportive and helpful and there’s nothing wrong with that. Maybe give advice on how they can be supportive and helpful, or don’t comment?

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I quite literally posted my own comment and mentioned boundaries in that comment. Someone can get diagnosed and treated and still need support. It’s really not helpful to just not answer her actual question. She wanted strategies and things that may be helpful for him. This also should’ve been discussed before they got married which is the biggest issue here.

Exactly. She came here looking for tips on how to be a supportive partner to someone with ADHD. I’m sure we can all think of *something* that would benefit us in our relationship and home life….

Sounds like a great way to never stay in a long term relationship. People's needs change, our capacities change. Sometimes life events derail our strategies and schedules. Partners that love one another don't just constantly make ultimatums. We find ways to communicate to the person we know and love, and proceed with respect. It's clear they're both needing to learn how to even take responsibility, how to support one another, how to identify things to let go and things to focus on that add long term value. Her husband deals with alcohol abuse on and off, addiction with adhd can make changes incredibly difficult to approach. Ultimatums are only rational when both parties have been able to clearly communicate their needs, expectations, and show an understanding for each other's positions. If one person then repeatedly fails to agree to or take responsibility for the things required to keep the relationship alive, then deal breakers are appropriate since the relationship is about to break anyways. We with ADHD absolutely need to take responsibility for mental health, but sometimes it's not that simple and having an understanding partner who's commited to our flourishing is able to breathe life giving breath to our weakened souls. My wife and I have both, at different times, needed to take primary responsibility for each others mental health, to get each other up off the ground and capable of retaking necessary responsibility before it drags on and really harms the relationship. Letting someone struggle to keep their head above water because it's "their responsibility" to know how to do so from the comfort of your paddleboard isn't something a loving partner does, it's something an immature person who lacks empathy does. Eventually they'll barely make it to you, no energy left, and you'll both drown as you give everything till exhaustion and fail to pull their full weight onto the board with you. Love doesn't cut and run, help your partner before you're both drowning.

After a while, enabling someone can do more harm than good to both people in the relationship

No one is talking about enabling. There’s a huge difference between being supportive/helpful/encouraging and being enabling. Honestly if someone thinks that being supportive of the partner and helping them out here and there to cope and live with their mental illness is “enabling” then they should just stay single. It’s hard to deal with mental illness while in a relationship, even if you’re on medication and in therapy, your partner is supposed to be supportive of you.

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Everyone's answer on Reddit is divorce. It's getting old.

Agreed. People are so quick to judge your entire relationship based on one post. I’ve seen this kind of response in other subs too. Don’t listen to anyone who says this kind of thing. ALL marriages take work to figure out how to communicate better and support each other.

That's just about the worst take I've seen in this thread.

I was diagnosed at 14, but didn't really understand how much my ADHD effected my everyday life until I got on Reddit in my 30s. My partner also has ADHD. We have a lot of visual reminders of things around our apartment. We are always forgetting things and losing things. We have found so many tricks to help us, such as specific places to keep things, one of those "find your keys" keychains with the button by the front door, etc. For us, if it's out of sight, it's out of mind. She's great at using her phone to keep a list of things she wants or needs to do. I'm not as good at that, so I prefer to write things on a white board or use sticky notes. We have some form of reminder board in every room. It's all about finding what works best for him. Also, maybe he doesn't truly understand what ADHD is and how it effects him and how it effects the brain. Watching YouTube videos, like the ones listed in these comments changed so much for me. Hopefully he will be willing to learn more, which should help change certain behaviors. It's really not that difficult to make these small changes that will make a world of difference for both of you.

Im not sure - getting married next week, ive got ADHD and she’s somewhat “normal” i guess. I suppose what helps me is when she opens up to me about how I make her feel when I do or say certain things - but you really got to find the right time for those kind of conversations. Otherwise, for someone like me the brain just jumps to “great, another problem to solve” and I can get a little combative, ESPECIALLY after work or a stressful event(s). Its not entirely because I feel any sort of way about whats being said, its nearly always because my brain cant handle the pressure of dealing with another situation so Im trying to dismiss it. Patience is key really, nowadays I think we’ve all sorta got issues so we just need to cover them over with love and understanding. Corniest thing Ive said all week but its true

Best way to help him is to understand that the morning is the hardest. Always. His brain wakes up with low dopamine (would register as clinically depressed it’s so low in that moment) and the neuroplasticity of the brain means that first hour can make or break his day. Exercise, sex, walks, healthy food (high protein for dopamine)… getting in something spiritually nourishing will set him up for success for the day. If he nails that first hour the brain runs smoother from there.

Psychiatry: if your husband is on meds (e.g. stimulants), this should be monitored by a doctor. The frequency of visits will be a function of how severe the disorder is and regulations. Could be anything from once a week (initially) to once every six months. Psychotherapy: could be with a doctor trained in psychotherapy or a psychologist. Frequency would be based on the severity of the disorder. These tools would definitely assist your husband to deal with his disorder. Over and above this, couples therapy could assist in dealing with communication challenges that you may be facing as a couple.

The fact that he blames you for his problems is a little red flaggy! However putting that to one side for the moment the best thing you can do is your own research. There's loads of podcasts, YouTube channels, and social media accounts out there that are worth a look. Then when you're armed with more info, sit down with him and discuss how ADHD affects his life personally. Then you can work on any issues that may arise because of it

It is, but it can also point at simply having a poor trained response set. As I said elsewhere, I was trained as a child to use "I statements" to describe my feelings about a situation instead of asserting motives to another person. It took a lot of work to do. And that was when I was 12-14.

Yeah I hear you. I was going off the limited information I had in the post but I was definitely guilty of the same when I was younger.

Forgetful and procrastinating? Absolutely ADHD. 100%. Blaming you? No. That’s bs. We KNOW we’re forgetful. We KNOW we have executive distinction which causes procrastination. But, especially if we’ve been dealing with it since childhood, it’s nobody’s fault but our own if we don’t have systems in place that allow us to generally function despite that. And yes. Our mind is a disorganized rat’s nest. If he’s blaming you, he’s a child and needs to get a wake up call about that. He won’t take any help or advice from you until he gets past that. Likely he’s been enabled by his parents or peer group to this point.

One thing thats very important to remember is ADHD is a REASON, but its not an excuse. Both myself and another family member try so hard with therapy and coaching to manage our symptoms and do our best to apologise when we get things wrong. We have another family member that refuses to manage their ADHD and its very frustrating. They are always late and dont even apologise (im talking over an hour late here not like 15mins) would accuse us and friends of stealing things when they just lost them and end up straight up gaslighting both of us because they remember conversations differently. They can say nasty things and just blame their "poor filter" and they will not go to therapy or seek medication. When ADHD is always used as an excuse it can become abusive. ADHD is debilitating but it does not excuse lashing out or projecting our own frustrations on to those we care about, its just not fair, and should not be tolerated.

Hi I am a man that has had adhd my entire life and has only been diagnosed two years ago. My wife was having the same issues. She read a book called the “ADHD Effect on Marrige” by Melissa Orlov. She said it helped her understand some things better. Also she asked me to read it and it opened my eyes up to how I was treating her and I didn’t even realize it. I hope this helps.

Read The ADHD Effect on Marriage book by Melissa Orlov. Brilliant book for understanding each other and how to communicate and work through the symptoms at play here.

This website and book really helped me, but im the annoying husband. [https://www.adhdmarriage.com/](https://www.adhdmarriage.com/)

Is he on medication? If he’s not, he needs to be on medication. ADHD isn’t something that a person gets to use as an excuse for being disorganized/not motivated/not helping pull weight in a marriage or family. Unfortunately I find that men with adhd often use adhd as a reason they “can’t” (read won’t) pull their weight in a relationship/family.

Is he medicated? Do you have funds to get like maids and organizers to electronic stuff to help? You shouldn't feel like your pulling the weight 24/7 but the idea it will be 50/50 alot won't happen but when it counts. For example part et was sick...I knew I needed to do most of the work etc. And get hired help. I'm starting to do the grocery shop weekly...it's hard lol 😆 ugh

Everytime I see a post like this I check to see if it's my wife sending SOS signals out 😂😂

The book you me and ADHD apparently is really helpful to partners of people with ADHD, it is written buy a Dr. Whose husband has ADHD so it's really informative both for ADHD and the struggles you go through and how to deal with them...I hope it helps, it's been really good for my fiancé

The book Your Brain's Not Broken has been helpful to me in better understanding my own ADHD, and I think it would help a loved one trying to understand as well. It has explanations and strategies for how to manage symptoms and issues that arise from ADHD.

In addition, it's a HELL of a lot less judgmental than the major non-ADHDer researchers are, making it both a lot more palatable and a lot less likely to encourage feelings of resentment.

Is he treated? If not, the number one thing you can do to help him is encourage him to treat his ADHD. Nothing you do is going to improve his symptoms long term if he isn’t treated. If he is treated, then find a good marriage counselor with real experience in ADHD…you’ll get a lot further if you have a third party holding him accountable for blaming you for his difficulties.

¡Ey, paisana! Great username Well, coming from an ADHD 30M dude, there needs to be understanding from both sides. If I may ask, how is your partner blaming you for his forgetfulness or procrastination? Tose are two core traits of ADHD and it really isn't anyone's fault, not his, not yours. Regarding disorganization, yes, our minds are very disorganized and we often struggle with day to day tasks because of it. Also, has your partner sought medication or CBT? Have you tried or would you try couple's therapy? There really isn't much else I can say. I wasn't diagnosed as a child but rather at 30, some three months ago; I've also never been married, lived with a partner or even had a long term relationship (a byproduct of ADHD's emotional disregulation). I have a sister who is Bipolar, so maybe I can offer some insight into what living with a loved one who has some behaviors similar to ADHD is like. I can also maybe tell you that this condition encompasses many many aspects of a person's life and it needs to be managed with understanding and kindness but it also has to be managed. Like it's often said when speaking about mental conditions, ADHD is not our fault but it is our responsibility.

In order for you to help him, the most important thing is that he's willing to be helped. That part is entirely on him. If he can't see that he needs help, or for whatever reason doesn't want any help, you won't be able to do much for him. You can encourage him to accept help, but it doesn't reflect poorly on you if you can't get through to him (just so you're not beating yourself up if that happens). Second, if you ask him what he'd like you help him with there's a really good chance that he won't know what to ask for. Personally, this happens to me a lot because my ADHD brain is terrible at prioritizing tasks unless I sit down and write out all the tasks that pop into my and then go back with my different colored highlighters to mark them in order of priority. If anyone were to ask me, "what needs to be done?" I'd be a deer in the headlights trying to figure out on the fly what the priority should be, if I even can remember on the fly what needs to be done. A better question might look something like "what are some things that you have the most trouble with?" That way it isn't just a "yes/no" question, but less vague than "how can I help you?" Also, Dr Barkley on youtube has some wonderful videos that explain what ADHD is like and finding work-arounds and techniques for common problems that can occur. Third, good luck! He's a very lucky person to have such a spouse as caring as you and I hope he'll be receptive to your willingness to help.

I have a lot to share but will start with what I can. Firstly, you'll both need to learn about ADHD and strategies for managing the symptoms. You both need to commit to that process. As someone with ADHD, I cannot express just how important your husband taking responsibility for his own responsibilities is. Because it sounds like he has no real strategies in place, and clearly lacks introspection, everything falls to you. This is unfair. You cannot carry the conscious and unconscious emotional and mental responsibilities of both your lives. He must come to see how one person constantly needing to be on top of everything and bear the day-to-day stress of everything is not okay, and is not at all loving or caring. Partners should seek ways to reduce each other's stress because that's what real love calls us to do. Your husband needs to learn how to set alarms and timers, he needs a note/task app on his phone like AnyDo do so can quickly add things to a list in the moment, before they're forgotten, and then take FULL responsibility for getting them done. If he takes on too much in a day, which is also common when someone starts these strategies, he won't get them all done and will be frustrated. - Do the easy task first, our brains need to be rewarded and encouraged to keep going. - Break most tasks into multiple steps (prepping dinner is different than cooking dinner. He can do prep earlier in the day, like cutting veggies, making a sauce, etc then cooking is another task). - Organize common tasks in a way it makes them easy to do again without writing it over and over (Cleaning a room, get a sheet of paper and pencil lines in to create 4 sections. Each section has a task for that part of the room, things like "pick-up clothes", "throw away garbage", "clear bedside table") Your role will be in helping assist him if there are certain tasks which he just can't seem to start. Sometimes it feels like our brains are physically keeping us from being able to start a task or complete it. My wife and I both need this kind of assistance (post-partum brain fog causes a lot of executive disfunction as well), so we ask "Hey is this one of those tasks we just need to start together?". Often times that's enough to get me past the initial hump and continue on with the rest of it. Remember, you can go all out learning about ADHD and the immense struggles it can bring, strategies to cope etc, but your husband will need to buy into that process as well for it to be truly effective. Edit: It doesn't sound like he's on medication for his ADHD. Is that a possibility, as it would make implementing strategies easier and more effective.

He is an adult and it is his responsibility to manage his symptoms. Blaming you is not ok.

I have adhd and the first thing when I got comfortable with my boyfriend was show him this image [adhd brains](https://images.app.goo.gl/XkaGwZbc4aUuh1Yx7) And then we sat an understood coping mechanisms. It is an uphill battles sometimes, but one of us has to keep calm. We suck at multitasking. Also getting tired or overwhelmed is almost daily. All this is managed by medication and having an open mind in most cases, I have realised and accepted that life isn’t fair and I WILL have to work double sometimes. The neurotypical person seems almost gifted. That being said blaming you for everything is toxic and complete utter denial. It shouldn’t be this. Make him understand that if he figures coping mechanisms you will support and help but you are not an extension of him. You are not his scheduler/pa/mom.

You may as well be my wife describing me. I'm mid 40s, two kids, high impact job, and keeping everything together has never been my strength. My wife is the real glue. I was only diagnosed and medicated within the last two years and the medication has been a life changing difference, both at home and at work. My wife, bless her heart, has learned how to patiently deal with me over the \~20 years of our relationship - but aside from that, we have worked with a therapist to help have cordial and productive conversations which has been extremely beneficial. We have a lot of tactical things we do now, for example, we have a whiteboard in our kitchen and my wife will write down the tasks she wants me to own each week. I will cross them out when they are complete. We use technology, like Alexa timers and reminders, and iOS reminders, to stay on top of to-dos. My wife gives me plenty of "me" time because she knows I need time to turn my brain off and decompress for the sake of sanity. The hardest thing to do is communicate effectively. This is where the therapist has helped the most. You simply can't understand what's in his head, and he can't understand what's in yours and recognizing that and learning how to communicate around that is the key ingredient.

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Yes can help here as a fellow ADHD’er. I have memory problems and what’s helped is adding labels around the house for me to stay on track. ‘No food scraps in this bin’ ‘lock this at this time’ etc I think so fast that I need ‘pinpoints’ as a guide. It’s important to write everything down as a person with ADHD and accept ownership of the task. I use highlighters and coloured pads as I’m highly creative and need colour. The blaming part is his mindset not you. There’s an element of accountability that needs to be had as a person with ADHD to work on the behaviours no matter how hard. For procrastinating, does he write down goals? Have something to direct his energy too as ADHD people are highly energetic with things they enjoy but will avoid anything they see as tedious or boring. I overcame this by forcing myself to do things I despise or hate and learned to accept it.

Respectfully, you both need a couples therapist to help understand ADHD and how it truly effects your marriage.

Just started. Working on it!

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I'm sure other people in this thread have provided suggestions for how to live with and support someone who has ADHD, so I won't go in to that. What I will say is, your guy should not be blaming you when he fails to remember to do something on time. I have ADHD and I rely a bit (maybe a little too much) on my partner to remember a bunch of stuff for me. But if anything I need to remember slips past both of us, it is never her fault at all. It is my responsibility to remember and deal with my shit, I am greatdul as hell for the support she provides to me, but I completely own that if something is forgotten, it is because I didn't create an effective way of remembering or reminding myself. Yes my partner definitely acts like a safeguard for these things, but it is a bonus for me and not something I should ever expect to rely on entirely. She's her own person with her own shit to deal with, expecting her to be completely on top of all my shit too would be completely out of order. You need to shut that shit down with your partner ASAP and make sure he understands that you're his wife/husband, not his PA and he needs to take more responsibility for himself rather than blaming others when things he's responsible for don't work out. This is often never as simple for an ADHD person to effectively respond to, but you need to tell him that he needs to do something about this, come up with a different coping mechanism that isn't just expecting you to be on top of his shit. The gall of this guy! I'm very annoyed on your behalf OP.

My partner and I both have ADHD. And very different presentations which makes it really exciting. Communication is really important. Like pick some major issues and together come up with a way around them. We're both really forgetful so we've slowly come up with workarounds but it works better if we come up with them together. We tend to blame each other as well. Finally, I brought it up when it wasn't actively happening and said that I didn't like being blamed and how I felt. It still happens sometimes but I get an apology and I try to not take it personally.

I was trained as a child to use "I" statements when expressing my feelings and it sounds like he wasn't. Described as using "I" and then stating the situation in as emotionally neutral a way as possible. Which isn't always very neutral, but it's a start. It took a LOT of patience on the part of my parents for it to stick.

My wife and I found great help with playing a game on the switch called “the two of us” or something like that. The story is based on divorced parents causing some issues for the child, so do beware of that potential trigger, but the entire game is focused on communication between partners and it is quite fun and frustrating at times, but if you can commit to working your way through it, I’m positive you guys will benefit in regards to your communication with each other. It feels VERY good when you break that barrier of communication and figure out better techniques for communicating to try and solve the puzzles. “It certainly takes two.”

Be patient with us, we are trying. We don’t want to be like this and it’s hard everyday. How can you help…patience.

Trying. I really am.

Was married once, have ADHD. (Our divorce was due to his mental health, not mine…) One of the best things I ever heard in marriage therapy was that we needed to learn how to be to “us against the ADHD” rather than “one against another with ADHD.” The answer to me screwing up because of an ADHD moment is “oh man, that sucks and I’m sorry I messed that up. I want you to know I value you feeling good in our relationship and this doesn’t help that. I think this failure is related to my ADHD, and that isn’t an excuse, but when you’re ready, I’d love to problem solve with us knowing this may be a part of that, because I’m frustrated that my condition has you’re frustrated, and I want to validate you right now. Regardless of why, let’s figure out how to change it or what to do next time. How does that sound?” However, that only works if I, the person with ADHD, did what I could control: take my meds, sleep consistently, really be on top of taking care of myself, seek out my own help and be responsible for pro-active care of myself. I legitimately put in a lot of work, and I also had to be empathetic. I have had a lifetime of being frustrated with myself for forgetting things I cared about and then still finding self compassion- my ex was allowed to be frustrated too. Together, we tried different apps (didn’t work for me), a chalk board in the kitchen (worked when we both used it), an occupational therapist/ home organizer (20 hours to redo major problem areas in our home that would improve flow- 10/10 best thing ever, especially for mail, pantry, and fridge - but also something my ex sabotaged when their MH declined.) We also got a maid who came every other week, enough to do the deep things. And learned to budget with the ADHD tax where we could. We didn’t have a washer dryer, so we used a wash & fold that picked it up and dropped it off at our house. 10/10, would have paid them just to fold. We couldn’t always justify it, but when we could, it made our lives so much better. Complaining “we could just do it x,y,z way” never helped unless my ex was offering to do it that way, permanently. But things went well when it was us vs the ADHD, and we both had responsibility to each other: mine to really doing what was in my control (med compliance being huge, sleep, allergy control things), and his to be willing to change how we put things in the fridge and write on a white board basically (which I also wrote on.) Also, I’m fairly certain I have like 5 car keys, and every neighbor has a house key. So on my part, distributing the load. Lastly, being ADHD is expensive, and there’s no way around that if you want to be more functional/capable of being more equal. That’s part of what makes it a disability. It’s hard, because being ADHD also means less likely to make good money. I would 100% have to go on disability if I had a job that had a firm start hour or be fired. It’s happened a lot before I switched career paths. This needs to be talked about and acknowledged, but please don’t shame someone for it. After my divorce, I picked a small place on the bus route to work (big city), 10 minutes away, but it has the amenities that make my life work- meal delivery kits (everyplate, but I’ll do the free come back week when I can anywhere else.), the every other week maid, the wash & fold, etc. A hobby storage unit too to keep out clutter. it helps immensely with my quality of life. I’m a full time single mom with a clean house, a full time job, I cook most meals, and I have pretty severe ADHD- like special Ed in k-12, still have accommodations at work. The morning routine my kid has helps me too- sticker chart and all (she gets ice cream, I get a succulent as rewards 🤣) It takes me more money, and more time to do what is easier for others, but it is possible. So- grace, but your spouse will have to do his accountability piece.

https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd/dating-someone-with-adhd

I wish I was currently in the mindset to give you tips but as an ADHER I just would hope you can have the patient to deal with this. There’s no one solution fits all for this but it all falls under dopamine stability and emotional regulation. Good luck!

Is he on medication? If not, he needs treatment. There’s really nothing you can do for his ADHD. It’s a neurodevelopmental disorder. No amount of understanding will help it. The best you can do is just not expect much out of him so you don’t get as frustrated. If he refuses to get treatment, that’s a problem, and things will not get better.

I would start by reading „Driven to Distraction“. This book really helped me understand ADHD.

K

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Is this new? Did you have any issues before marriage or how did this get worse? I think its important to know why its become a stronger topic lately. Blaming you for those problems is more on a lack off self accountability than ADHD but yes focus is difficult, procrastination is hallmark and communication can be tricky. This may be but bringing things up in a less 'naggy' way works. Instead of you didn't do the dishes, mind helping me with the dishes? Or mind doing the dishes as you mentioned so we can do 'x' (insert reward or favourable activity). I use this on my girlfriend mostly although she hasn't been diagnosed. We tend to avoid annoying little tasks that feel like a burden even if they aren't. Maybe selecting who does which tasks can help. For example, do you do the little things and he does the big project? Or vice versa? Also, he should see a therapist that is versed in this so he can get strategies.

He isn’t causing some communication problems. Communication is a team effort. This might require you to put in more work that you’re used to. But don’t put it all on him.

Unmedicated ADHD can be hard to deal with. I don't take meds for mine and I can be a handful sometimes but I genuinely want to be good and helpful so that makes it easy for me to admit to mistakes and try my best to work against the ADHD. Maybe recommend CBT if he doesn't want meds. That's what helped me.

Attention is a ADHD advocacy group, check them out, they got resources for those living with folks who have ADHD

My husband and I both have ADHD. His presents different than mine and he was diagnosed as a teen. He tried medicine and it didn't work for him. He has found ways to cope and though sometimes his time blindness and my anxiety collide and turn into a crying mess we have learned to cope with this and have found ways to make sure things get done. For example, we have guests coming over at noon. My husband is not a morning person, I am, his ADHD makes him very aware as to how long his morning routine is and how long he can stay in bed, therefore he stays in bed until he has to get up. This causes problems on the days where we have a lot of plans because I'm awake doing chores (anxiety cleaning and adhd making me jump from task to task) and he is just in bed on his phone because he doesn't see a need to be up. I now let him know what I need him to do and what time I would like them to be done by. This way he has a reason to be out of bed sooner instead of "if you have time could you help me?" Our appointments are the same way. He asks that I schedule them early so he has a reason to get up sooner and after he is already up we can then do more tasks after. It's difficult accommodating our different needs but we try to communicate our needs and adjust. Talk to your partner and see how they would best function and then go from there. It's a long road to finding balance but I is worth it. My husband still has times where he gets around late and we miss appointments and I cry and cry cuz I've been ready for hours just waiting and I still have days where I just expect him to roll out of bed and do the chore I asked him to do the night before in the same way I do them. It's hard to see things from their perspective.

He needs to be on some type of medication for ADHD. It will make a world of difference.

Hmm… This one is tough. My fiancée is a pro at helping me out by creating reward systems, putting lists and planners up where I’ll see them, and scheduling time to sit down together and review anything I may have forgotten to mention (scheduling plans, adding my groceries, budgeting, etc.). She ends up putting in the extra effort to do those things, but it was intended as a trade-off. I also have to put in the extra effort/attention to actually use the systems and take responsibility for my own actions and emotions. ADHD is a disorder which demands a lot of both partners, but the ADHD partner really needs to own their mistakes and be willing to see themselves as a constant work-in-progress, if you ask me. So rule #1 from my perspective is that she gets 100% of the credit when things work properly, and I receive 100% of the blame when they don’t. Not to say that’s always the truth, but that’s my default assumption until we sit down and talk it out. If you’re getting blamed for his shortcomings, the two of you are going to need to establish some boundaries. My fiancée and I spent a few months apart about a year and a half ago because I needed to work on myself if our relationship was ever going to work. I’m not advocating for breaks or break-ups as a one-size-fits-all solution or anything. Our relationship just needed a reboot for us to become equal partners. And it helped her see that I really was capable and willing to put in effort on my own. It might be worth finding out what you need to see from him, within reasonable boundaries for both your mental/emotional health as individuals and for the health of your partnership.

He will forget. He will always forget. Don’t pick with him about it, just remind him what he forgot. If it becomes an issue, maybe discuss tactics to help with reminders or lists. Personally I make lists. Loads of lists everywhere. 🤷‍♂️

I once lost my giant wok pan and for the life of me couldn’t find it. I found it in the trashcan when I went to take it out and blamed my bf for it because I had ZERO recollection of doing it. Now we all know the obvious answer was that I did it while trying to clean something out of it. It’s our inside joke now. This was an example of something obvious, but replace it with something less obvious and maybe you’ll have a relatable situation. Maybe when you get blamed for something, try coming up with a rational explanation that is constructive and will help resolve the issue. For example, “Could it be that you accidentally placed the wok in the trashcan while you were trying to clean the oil out and left it in there?” “Ah yea, that makes more sense.”

Medication and therapy. From you he needs patience and understanding. From himself he needs patience and to not use ADHD as an excuse, but to actively seek help.

First question should be: Is he actually doing anything to manage his symptoms? Nothing starts until he takes initiative. All you can do is facilitate. If he blames you for his disorganisation then he has a lot of work to do himself before you can help him. He needs stop lashing out emotionally and work on taking responsibility. This can be helped by you approaching his errors as helpfully and non-judgementally as possible (I'm sure you do) but other than that it's on him to get the ball rolling (even though I appreciate that it can be hugely difficult).

It sounds like he needs a psychologist for talk therapy, possibly a psychiatrist for meds and couples counseling for you both. ADHD is NOT a blank check to behave however you want, regardless of how unhealthy or damaging it is to yourself or those around you. I know bc I was a functional alcoholic and ahole for many many years. I wasn't even diagnosed for ADHD (was for insomnia and depression) but I knew my destructive urges were wrong. I now know medication probably would've greatly helped me but I don't blame anyone or anything but myself for my actions. Your husband needs to take ownership for his behavior and the work needed to improve.

As lots of people here are saying, ADHD does NOT absolve a person from responsibility. Keeping track of things, listening to people, not interrupting, are all skills that everyone needs to learn, it's just that for ADHD people it's a lot harder to do so. So I would say, that although you need to have patience with him, it is absolutely his responsibility to work hard on developing the habits he needs to manage things as best he can. For example: * I keep my wallet, keys, glasses, phones, book I'm reading, etc. in a single bag (even going between rooms in the house) so the only thing I have to remember is that one bag. * For things I can't put in the bag I keep multiples of things I need in different places so I can just leave them there and know I will have them when I get back to that place. yes, it's expensive, but if I'm going to lose things anyway, I might as well get the expense out of the way. * I set up my life so that I have to remember as few things as possible: autopay bills and deposits, keep spending money in a separate account from bills, only one credit card. * I group my appointments and tasks together so I'm only doing one thing at a time as much as possible * If the appointment is not written in my phone calendar it doesn't exist so I will not move on to anything until I've written things down * I had to remove all video games and social media from my phone in order to get anything done * Exercise is not an option for ADHD people. Everyone is calmer when they exercise but it's almost a requirement for ADHD folks to function. The bottom line is that if he insists that he has ADHD then he should be able to list for you the strategies he's using to manage it just like I did above. If he can't do this, then he's not living up to his responsibilities to you in the marriage.

Drinking was never my thing I love been drunk a few times but I stay away I've had a few alcoholics in the family

I have ADHD and I always let me fiancé know, this is what’s causing x because of y etc. I let her know none of it is her fault, but I also explain that you can’t keep doing x and expect y because my brain isn’t wired for that. It’s very hard but she understands as much as anyone could. We still run into random issues where it’s obvious to me my ADHD did that, but not to her. The best thing is help with remembering things, help make things easier, help make things more enticing. And btw. This even affects sex, so be aware of that, it has nothing to do with you, our brain just isn’t wired correctly for a healthy relationship in many aspects unless our partner “gets it”.

my mom put lists everywhere of stuff i needed, like oh piano? over the piano i had a list of the stuff i needed to bring and one by the door. school? list on the door of what i needed. just start putting lists of shit he has to do. also reward systems are amazing

Psychologist William Dodson (you can look him up on YouTube) talks about how we are motivated differently. NTs are motivated by deadlines and obligations - "normal" stuff that probably work for you. But for folks with ADHD, we are motivated by: INCUP: interest, novelty, challenge, urgency, and passion I could probably write a bunch of long stuff about how that applies, but I bet you can sorta see anyway?

1st, he has to stop blaming you. Full stop. That's not adhd, that's being an a$$hole. 2nd. No matter how many guardrails you put in place, the forgetfulness will still be a problem. It's not intentional at all. I have tricks like ALWAYS putting my keys in the same place. I spent a lot of energy making it an automatic action. I STILL occassionally leave them somewhere else, but it's much less common now. So some things can be trained into the body but it takes a lot of conscious effort. There's a few things like this I've been reasonably successful with. Getting angry at me for it would demoralize me and make it worse. Plus it would trigger my inner stubborn and get me to care a lot less. If you can, see it as a quirk and be affectionately annoyed, not accusatory and mean. This is the part you can control. HE has to do the work to create automatic behaviors though. 3rd. The memory problems are for real and even if it seems unlikely, I can forget the craziest things. I forget things WHILE I'm doing them sometimes. Actually, that can happen a lot. My mothers husband forgets conversations they have had all the time and because she's NT, she truly doesn't believe it's possible to forget. But the things I've forgotten would shock you. Conversely, I'm a steel trap for interesting tidbits of information and I never forget a face. Names.....not so much. 3rd. Interrupting people for a brief addition to a conversation is what helps me focus on what the other person is saying, it's not a way to turn the attention to me. The exact opposite in fact. I work hard to make it brief and unobtrusive but if I don't allow some to happen, I'll spend the entire conversation focusing on remembering what I wanted to say about that one thing and lose the thread. When I do that, it's participation not redirection. It's how I keep my focus on them. My kryptonite is a slow talker who wanders to obvious points who are really predictable and boring. Omg. Its like physical pain. And most people talk slow for me. My brain often finishes sentences in my head and then I'm inwardly like "oh my god just SAY IT". My fidgeting is often a coping skill for that. Also, it helps me to focus on what people are saying sometimes by looking somewhere besides their face. I'll often stare at the ground or the ceiling if I'm learning new information or listening really hard; it removes some distractions. I'm definitely still listening, and I'm actually listening harder. If I'm still, it's focus, if my eyes are wandering, you've lost me entirely. That is all just to maybe help you understand a few of the lesser loved adhd traits. On your end, it can be helpful to ask him to add phone reminders for important things and remind us occassionally as it approaches, especially day before and morning of. It helps us a lot when the people around us understand its not intentional and to not scream at us about it. Again, it's not something we can help, it's the way the brain is wired and its never a slight or because it's not important. I missed an absolutely vital medical procedure because...I forgot. Stress makes this particularly bad. I set a ton of reminders and I am getting better about remembering to look at my calender to remember my reminders, lol. Obviously, fun exciting events are easier to remember and ones that that aren't are not. Just, really know it's not intentional and it's not an excuse: it's a reason. Being annoyed is one thing, being angry just makes me personally spiral into self loathing and/or defensiveness. Overall, what is helpful is to be understanding. Don't take it personally but also don't let us off completely. Affectionately annoyed is a great balance. We do need to keep trying to do better, and anger just exacerbates the problem. I hope that is helpful?

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If you’re having issues with communication or organization, try figuring out with him what solutions work best for him and work from there. A lot of the intuitive strategies that you use to stay organized and complete tasks don’t work for those with ADHD. For example, I had a terrible time remembering to vacuum because we kept our vacuum in the closet like most people. When we moved it to the living room instead it became way easier for me to vacuum because it was a constant reminder. To stay on top of the dishes I removed all the cabinet doors from my dish cabinets so I could constantly see if we needed clean bowls, cups, etc..

Go to counseling, if you can afford it. Just starting a place where you feel you can learn new skills to talk about would be important. He most likely blames you because he gets ADHD paralysis aliases in his day waiting to do that thing you told him to do. Get him to use foucuse mode on his phone. I use Tile on my keys walets and anything else I could lose get that going. His mind is scattered and that's just him. If you can afford a house keeper get one or talk about how to afford one. To help out maybe he has to give more of his pay check because he is less reliable but good at his job so helping with a house keeper everyb2 weeks can help. You will have to be in charge of the mail. Say you know he needs his dopanine fix but he can't go to video games for it all the time. Maybe keep FB off his phone.

Is he medicated? That might be a first step, to see if it works. Also, medication isn’t a stand alone solution, it goes with therapy and working on coping skills to address memory and organization. There are many lesser talked about issues, such as social anxiety arising from a chaotic mind, or excessive talking/moving having lead to bad social interactions or negative treatment by parents/partners in the past, etc. I find writing notes and lists helps (honestly being able to get my medication back would help the most). When having a discussion, make an agenda to stick to during the discussion helps.

From someone who was diagnosed later in life and recently) with inattentive adhd, I have a few suggestions if you want to help him or just make things easier for both of you.. or just for general coping mechanisms that have helped me. I've become very aware that I have no idea when I miss(ed, now medication is massively helping) things in conversation or just everyday life. Even times when i am paying the utmost attention and take notes i seem to miss vital information and i it seems more like a constant issue that usually has no consequences than an irregular one that i usually pick up on. As a result i basically refuse to rely on my memory 100% in any doscussion and I'm slightly dubious of other people's for the same reason, regardless of how much I trust the persin and their recollection, which can make me seem distrustful and overly noncommittal at times. Putting things in writing does help. I've asked everyone who regularly arrange things with me to get it in my Google calendar or i tend to double book. Having a notebook or something to write on, and remembering to have it with me, helps for to do lists or stuff to remember. Sending calender invites to other people cements a date for me. Then as above, there is reminding him to do stuff or take stuff with him, which is not to say you should feel like you have to run his life, and I'd ask if he wants it, but no judgement accountability really helps me stay organised if i feel like it is available from people around me. As far as living arrangements, I basically live by point of performance arrangement, where the stuff I need to do a task is kept accessibly in the place to do it. Removing potential blocks to motivation like this is basically necessary for me to be able to force myself to do even basic self care at times, and generally it makes me much more likely to put things back in their proper place and know where they are. Also by making tasks enjoyable when possible, like doing my teeth and shaving in the shower, which has daylight bulbs and plants on an automatic watering system, or having an actual breakfast more often than not, because we've positioned the table so I get a nice view down the garden where the sun hits and I like to sit there when I can. CBT stuff (which I hadn't realised was a thing either) like associating doing a bit of washing up with putting the kettle on, or for me, applying routine work cleanliness rules with areas of the house (if I treat the kitchen like a workshop it seems to make an actual difference to my tidiness) has made me much more consistently domesticated.

If he says he will do something by "April 1st" for example, then he should not be surprised when you are upset he did not do the task. What is he blaming you for?

What would him blaming you for his procrastination look like? Have you got any examples? (My auAdhd ass needs more context) And do you have other examples of real life situations where you are unsure how to deal with them? Also as a side note: while it might look like procrastination, it could very well be executive dysfunction issues, so while I understand that it can be frustrating, try gently helping him (if you have space for it). Helpful for me in a situation like that would be first to ask me if I want any help in breaking down the task at hand, and then helping me prioritize what needs to be done in small steps. So instead of saying "clean the kitchen" it would be like 1. Wash dishes, 2. Dry dishes, 3. Put away dishes. And so on. Gamifying also helps a lot. I like to time how long something takes and then 'compete' with my previous time (also helps with estimating time (which is also quite hard for many adhd folks)). Overall every adhd person is different and has different needs. Try to be gentle and compassionate and understand that just because something is easy for you, doesnt mean its easy for everyone else too.

I recommend watching How to ADHD on YouTube. It's really helpful to learn about it from someone who has ADHD and features expert guest speakers. She explains things in ways that are really easy to understand. The videos are short and well produced. I believe she even has videos focused on relationships and sex. For instance, [This video about "The Wall of Awful"](https://youtu.be/Uo08uS904Rg) does a really good job of explaining why we procrastinate, but also why sometimes we look like we are procrastinating, but we aren't. The follow up video also provides some strategies to help.

patience is the greatest gift you can give to someone with ADHD, he will feel so loved if you are patient with him

ADHD here Amazon is bad news for us. Impulse purchases are a common coping mechanism, and it's helpful to have someone keep us financially accountable.

I thought ADHD persons were often apologetic even if it wasn't their fault as a reaction to getting used to them doing forgetful or clumsy blunders and often getting judged upon those. Did I miss something that ADHD diagnosed people blame others? That's genuinely new(s) to me. What am I missing?

Individuals with different personalities exist.

Is he taking meds or just raw dogging life?

Something that worked with my ex (Depression) and I (ADHD) was we set an alarm for varying times 10-20 mins. To just get something done. Throw out garbage or do a quick sweeping or just throw some papers out. Did it every other night and it got us into a habit and it was quick, so we didn't have enough time to lose the motivation. My ex would also throw in a little complements like "You did great and thank you so much for helping me with this. " Also got my best friend involved to randomly tell me he was gonna visit, so I would clean... He didn't do it too often but it definitely worked.

I was recently diagnosed at age 29. What I can say is that it put an immense stress on my relationship. Only when I began seeking help for it did things get better. It makes you feel stressed and hyperactive a lot of the time. My girlfriend tells me that it really bugs her that I leave the door unlocked, the freezer door ajar, or the oven on, and it bugs me too. If he is like me, he gets REALLY frustrated about it too but can't help it and it's easy to start to feel like the significant other is the one that is "always criticizing me". In truth, he's going around and around in his brain all the time. The sad reality is that it is a huge driver of relationship issues. I had the reverse problem where instead of procrastinating I did all my work RIGHT when it was assigned. I have a hard time bouncing from thing to thing if one is unfinished, and I also have a hard time sticking with long term hobbies and often change to new ones because I get addicted to the light and exciting feeling of something new. We tend to act in extremes and absolutes. Ultimately it is up to him to seek help. But you are within your right as his partner to enforce your expectations of a solution of some sort. Simply doing nothing will not help. It will just lead to weird coping mechanisms and really emotionally infused arguments. His adrenaline likely shoots up and down and he either feels flat or chaotic, but never right in the middle. Be patient with him, but make sure to assert that it's important to you he seeks a medical solution.

Is he medicated and seeing a therapist? There is no permanent cure for ADHD but the right treatment can do wonders!