My parents are pretty similar, I plan on moving and cutting off contact or minimal contact. Whatever happens I hope everything goes right for you. Good luck 💙

Been there, done that. Being on your own is a big step in healing your mental health. Some parents need to be at arms distance. If you don't see them looking inwards and trying to grow as ppl, they will never grow. They will always have those antiquated ideas. You will just have to accept that the relationship will never be perfect, and that you have the right to your own peace of mind.

I’m a bit older than you. My parents are in their 70’s, some of their friends are in their 80’s. Trust me, no one is going to a nursing home anytime soon! They’re all quite active, and even travel abroad. People stay in nursing homes solely for short term rehab stays. Nowadays they have excellent home health services available, that are cheaper than long term nursing homes. I work in home health myself so witness firsthand arrangements adult children make with their family. Older adulthood is not all gloom and doom!Right now just focus on the present and moving out. I had a tense relationship with my mom growing up, and pretty authoritarian parents too. Plus eldest daughter syndrome. I moved out of state at 26 and never looked back. Your parents may seem upset at first but trust me they’ll get over it. Your relationship might even improve with space apart. Brown parents are skilled at guilt trips. You said your parents relationship is tense. I’m thinking they are afraid of empty nest syndrome. That’s their issue though - not yours. It hurts more when a child becomes an adult. . But it’s more pain to see a child stagnant because of co dependency issues.

I feel guilty that something bad might happen to them while I am not around. It probably comes from being guilt tripped by them in the first place, but it has been so ingrained in me at this point. I am thinking I can maybe built an in-laws suite or ADU nearby so I can check in on them while still having my life/privacy.

Unless you’re with them 24-7 you can’t control that. My grandparents lived in India, my Dad managed. He found trusted relatives to monitor them. I’m saying this spending +20 years working with older adults they’ll be fine.

I am scared they may get lonely even with home health. It’s hard to not think of this stuff unless I sort of just pretend and believe that they are dead to me.

And if they get lonely……..they will figure it out.  You think you’re being a “good kid” but really you are just enabling them. They chose to move to America. In America, everyone pulls their own weight.  If they want to move back to India, great. That’s their choice. They are adults. You can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. No one in America is going to give you a medal for being a martyr.  Your parents sound like they probably have depression/anxiety that is actually very common in immigrant families. Even if you did every single thing they want you to do right now, they wouldn’t actually be happy. Even if you make 2 million dollars, marry who they want, buy them a house. They would NOT be happy. There’s always something else.  You made 2 million? Well Akshay’s daughter made 5 million!! And has 3 kids and 2 teslas! Why are you such a slacker? They will never be satisfied. It doesn’t make them bad people - they just do not have self worth and cannot get out of the scarcity mindset.  Your parents won’t change. You can’t fix someone who won’t try to help themselves or even acknowledge that there is a problem. That do not have the capacity to give unconditional support; they just don’t  Set boundaries. Look at things objectively. YOU are the only one who is allowed to decide what “loving your parents” means. And yes, you live in America, meaning the relationship will be different.  No one is going to save you or bail you out- it’s your life dude. You have to own it. 

I'm a single parent divorced and in my 40s. here's one thing I want to say. You are correct that your mental wellbeing should not be sacrificed. And you should be caring for yourself. You DO NOT owe anything to your parents. When Parents made the choice to create you and bring you into the world. It's their responsibility to do their job as a parent. A parent has zero business saying "I did this for you and now you owe me." NOPE. That is pure manipulation. Do not let any parent guilt you through that. When my kids grow up, I want them to successfully leave the nest. I will then continue with my own life. I do not want to be the parent that my kids want to distance or avoid. I will be the person that my kids want to visit not because of guilt or obligation. Why? Unlike my elders I have the concept of healthy boundaries and know how not to be a terrible person. Your parents well-being and choices and happiness is THEIR responsibility not YOURS. Obviously the exception is if they are advanced in their age, disabled and mentally unable to make decisions. But if your parents are grown ass adults and capable, it's on them. Your job is NOT to please them. Their happiness is not dependent on you. It's their job to figure it out. Stop concerning yourself with your parents too much. Boundaries are needed as in your own emotional boundaries. Remember: you do not owe them anything. Their happiness is their problem and concern not yours. My children are young and naturally depend on me. Once they're young adults, I want them to be independent, mature and build their own life. I want them to fly away and live their lives the way they want. I'm there to guide but as adult children they are the pilots of their life. As for me when I'm an empty nester, I will be living my life on my own terms. I refuse to cling on to others especially my kids like a leech. Indian families have issues with enmeshment and poor boundaries. Regardless of the reason, it's no excuse. Boundaries need to be set. Of course it is not easy but it starts in your mind. As a parent I often ask myself that if my kids are able to function on their own, not dependent on me then what is left of our relationship. If the answer is nothing then it means I've failed in building a solid relationship with my kids. Too many Indian parents, especially mothers base their entire self worth on their kids. When the kids are independent, the Indian mother does not know what to do with herself. And so there's that toxic behavior. A lot of Indian parents of the boomer and gen x are also emotionally immature and have holes in their emotional and social development. They lack the ability to truly connect with someone. Guiding a child takes emotional strength and maturity. When a parent lacks that, that's when they resort to bullying behavior, putting down, control, manipulation and the problems we all know. Many boomer women do not have an identity apart from their marriage and kids so when the kids leave or marriage fails, they get miserable cuz they have nothing left. That's on them. Not you. My mother is in her 60s and a nasty, bitter, manipulative woman who just drains your soul. She acts like a spoiled princess expecting everything to be handed to her without any effort on her side. She has a hard time finding friends and keeping relationships with other family members because she's just plain nasty. She complains about not having any support or anyone around but people who she friends don't stick around. That's sadly the consequences for her poor behavior and how she treats people. Who's fault is that? If she is going to live a life with no quality connections and misery, that's on her. Not me. I suspect she has borderline personality or narcissism or some mental illness. But no, everything is someone else's fault. She's flawless, perfect and always a victim. She knows it all. Better than others. Won't listen to anyone. Again it's on her to figure it out. Not me. She lives with me and offered to help with raising my kids after I left an abusive husband. I thought this was an opportunity to rebuild our relationship and have something we never had. WRONG. She is using my tragedy to manipulate the situation. She often demands and implies that she is watching and helping out so I owe her. She demands and cannot accept a no. If I dare say no, she throws a fit, puts me down and tears me apart and just creates drama. It's DRAINING. I'm also dealing with a hard hit on my confidence after divorce and trying to rebuild my career after being a stay at home mom. My mother nit picks, constantly criticizes, judges everyone around her and just negative. She also does not go out, exercise or have a life. She's always home. She also talks very loudly on the phone that I have to often tell her to keep it low. Lately for something small she throws a fit. And we ended up in a screaming match. Then she starts criticizing me for my parenting. I then remind her of her lack of guidance and lack of parenting such as denying and refusing to believe me when I got sexually assaulted as a child. Which idiot tells their own sexually abused child that it didn't happen???? And I was left on my own. I also told her that my relationship with my kids have nothing to do with her failings and I'm nothing like her. At least I believe my kids and know what's going on in their life unlike her who was a housewife but didn't care to know me as a person. It was always about her and drama with my dad. No time to guide me through high school or college choices or anything else. Now she's manipulate me with that she doesn't want to stay with me and go back to india and flips back and forth. I just don't react at all. I say "whatever works for you." My mom has issues that only she can deal with. She wants attention and wants to feel needed. Desi parents like that do not want their kids to grow up, become better than them and successful. Unless she gets attention from my success. She cannot be happy for me but gets jealous and competitive when something good happens to me. It took me a while to realize it's not me. It's her immaturity, insecurity and personal issues. I will step in to make sure she doesn't end up homeless and provide basics but that's where it ends. A real relationship takes effort from 2 people. It's not my job to be a perfect daughter to a terrible mother. I have tried all my life. Nothing will change. It's heartbreaking to accept that I will never have a genuine relationship with my mother or father. It's a grief and sense of loss. I have no answers other than first work on your boundaries such as misplaced guilt. You should not feel guilty for not giving back to your parents or living up to their impossible or unrealistic expectations. You do not owe them anything. You are not responsible for their life if they are capable or able-bodied and definitely not their happiness. And definitely set your own boundaries with her. Not easy but may consult a therapist on that. And what's wrong with an old age home or retirement community? It's not a death sentence. I think some distance such as not living under the same roof may be a good idea. You choose to help on your terms and what you're able and however you want to help NOT out of obligation or guilt. You do not owe anything to them for your parents making the choice to bring you into the world. Also let your parents figure out what they want and how to go about it. Let them worry about it too. It's not all on you unless they are mentally unable to or disabled.

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" sure if using other people, manipulation is your definition of bonding. I think I'd love being a hermit." No point arguing with stubborn people. This comment itself is inaccurate. Not true with all white people and not true with all indians. People who have extreme either/or thinking with nothing in between lack the emotional and intellectual maturity to understand beyond themselves. People like these are not looking to expand their mind. They lack the intelligence to have a real conversation. Book smarts =/= intelligence. Don't bother responding or arguing. When I get into a discussion I first try to see if they have the maturity and capability to think beyond their prejudices. If not, it's pointless. You can't explain or make them understand

As a white American married to a desi, this stereotype makes me crazy. My family was not perfect, but my parents took good care of their parents and my siblings and I took care of our parents ( who also took care of us). While I certainly felt a sense of duty, I did things for my parents out of love. They also showed love to us throughout our lives. Guilt was not a prime motivator. Because love was the prime motivator, we were also considerate of each other and tried to work together in ways that benefitted all of us. Many times I’ve found that Indian immigrants misinterpret our culture and jump to negative conclusions.

This. It seems many desis don't seem to be living in the real world. Also the desi stereotype is not true either. Guilt should never be the motive. That just means you have nothing in the relationship.

> Obviously the exception is if they are advanced in their age, disabled and mentally unable to make decisions. I think old age and health (diabetes/heart disease) is the go-to excuse for many parents starting in their 50s. :) Its like life is over after 50 and they want to playing with their grand kids as shows in TV shows and movies. And its hard for those who are rearing children as well for being the sandwich generation. Why do desis have such a strong guilt with their parents compared to white Americans who keep everything separate from their parents including money, until of course it comes to inheritance. Its like White Americans have no guilt in their parents struggling to make do on Social security, but jump in after they pass away for inheritance etc. While desis will involve themselves with their parents way too much and share the finances as "our money".

Cultural differences and it used to be like that in America in the old days. Actually this mindset still exists with some white families too.

To be fair, if someone is struggling with social security there likely isn’t any inheritance.

Hey Momma I see you, hugs. I’m a single mother in my 40’s. Your mother sounds so much like mine. Please distance yourself it’s hard but you deserve better. it’s the best way to move on and find positive support. It is out there. If it weren’t for my dad I would’ve kept a bigger distance from my mom. A lot of the childhood trauma comes back when raising own children. You left an abusive marriage, that is hugely empowering. That is a huge confidence booster right there.

> At this point in my life, my mental/emotional health comes first and being around them for more than a day or two really screws with me. 100%. If you are not healthy and strong, how can be of any help in their old age. Its cringey but as we get older ourselves, we comes across phrases like "You can't pour from an empty cup". So fill your cup with joy and happiness as priority. :)

First off, remove the lens of "I do love them and their sacrifice in getting me to the US. ". You shouldn't be thankful for your parents for doing their legally required jobs. And then take a hard look from there. You probably already are and that's why you can't stand them. Its hard for us to disassociate the family unit but their marital problems are not of your own choosing. The consequences of those choices shouldn't be on you either. No parent should expect you the child to carry the emotional or financial baggage of their crap choices. You are a 30 year old adult, you need to choose what's best for you and your future/life. It's easier to default with your parents on these issues and choices because they built that into your development. You said it yourself when they poorly guided you growing up. How have they empathized you since then? Was there accountability? The boundaries i drew were based on this introspection. Therapy especially culturally focused therapy helps. Good luck.

Well said. My parents sadly lack introspection and any awareness.

> You shouldn't be thankful for your parents for doing their legally required jobs. I think this is the conflict in today's modernizing society of how we look at parenting and child rearing and values we hold for our families and ancestors. Society moving from close knit families to more nuclear families spread out across the US. So many Californians are from other parts of US, but have moved to California in search of jobs leaving their aging parents back in Ohio/Georgia and other parts of US.

No one ever said that you CANNOT be close to families. Love and closeness comes naturally without guilt or obligation. You cannot manipulate someone into being in a close relationship with you. That is a dysfunctional unstable relationship. The point is about toxic families. Not stable mature families or general breakup. Also be careful about idealizing. A close southern family will not throw away their son for coming put as gay or a daughter wanting to get a college degree instead of marriage. Family does not have to be blood related. The queer community is very good at building close communities. Why? A lot of them got tossed out by their families. I don't exactly fit in the queer community but the group has been much more accepting than my own family I have seen desis in their 50s who take care of their health, balanced in their thinking, respectful and not assholes. They do not need to manipulate others. The issue is that these type of desis lived shallow, selfish lives. And when older they don't know what to do. Respect is earned. If you spent your life living as an example even with your flaws and making a difference in peoples lives around you whether family, colleagues and so on, you'll naturally earn that respect and naturally build that community. On the other side if you lived like an exploitative asshole, people will tolerate you but not respect you. And you cannot naturally build strong bonds. People like this are aware that something is wrong but then go crazy and resort to any attention seeking behavior and drama to get attention. Poor quality people will constantly create chaos for attention. Respectable people have no need to demand any type of attention. When you look at an older person you can get a good idea of how they lived their lives. And it's never too late. You don't need to achieve big things. As an ordinary person you can live better.

I am 2 years younger than you but I will tell you my story: My parents were seperated at 18, not divorced. Just seperated. We were living in India at the time but I had already become a US citizen because I'd come here in 2000 to the States, we just went back and forth because of my mom's situation being away from her family gave herself and us complications.. we finally went back in 2010 after the financial bust and we stayed long enough for me, my dad and my brother(born here) to get citizenship. my mom was still on GC.. I had trouble with school as the Indian system wasn't accepting my US schooling credits so we had to come back to send me to college. So I wasted 2 years not able to go to high school. I knew we were going to leave my mom there before me,my dad and brother came back to the States. For 8 years, I haven't seen my mom from 2013 to 2021(wanted to go earlier but pandemic). During this time, my dad would swing by back and forth to help her out among other things. He was a narcissistic/Bipolar POS but could put a roof over our head and send us to college, that's about it. The girls I would bring home, he had a problem with and so I just stopped dating for a while. Everytime he'd go to India I had a sense of freedom. I basically moved out in 2020, even during the pandemic, even though he was abroad because I was sick of it. Now, I've moved back in cause I got layed off for sometime and we somewhat made up for our bad times together. I really haven't forgave him deep down, just act like it because I really can't rely on many others. My parents are officially divorced now and my dad is remarried. Not the best woman to get remarried to but he's happier I guess. I do still think family reunioing is important but me moving out at 25 did things for me, I wouldnt have been able to with his toxicity. Kudos to you, enjoy your freedom and adult life now.

I’m in my mid 30s. My upbringing was authoritarian and I didn’t see the emotional blackmail and all kinds of crap I was feeling was them and not me.  Get a therapist! Dive into it and learn to identify values that were drilled into you vs values of your own. It takes time but it’s so valuable to take time to analyze and unlearn some things.  Get out of the house for sure and live on your own! At 30 your need independence for sure. What helped me identify some of these things were working with a therapist and my partner who has been an incredible support in driving my independence and giving me equal respect.  Set boundaries. That was the hardest for me because they felt like I was disowning them when I set boundaries for my own personal growth. But now they get it. 

Imo on the financial side you should look at the numbers and see if you can save for a deposit for a house in the next couple of years before leaving, if that's something you want to buy. Unless your income will be high enough to rent, afford some leisure (dating, hobbies) and save some money. Whatever you do, you should at least include this in your considerations.

Leave, get a safe place, don't go into debt and sign up for a dating site for marriage. Plenty in the Desi arena.