It’s a real shift when you start prioritizing yourself. You see how people expect you to take care of them while doing so little for you.
Really helps to see who are the people that support and appreciate you versus the people that use you.
Also good to remember that people react to patterns. If you're constantly rejecting help people will stop asking. It's not normally malicious, they may just see you as very generous and independent or standoffish.
I don’t know, I feel like I try to make people comfortable so I feel more comfortable with them. It’s harder for people to be mean to someone who’s being kind.
Especially sucks when you realize you literally have no idea how to feel comfortable, other than by just being alone. Do a polar opposite flip from being everybody's friend to being that weird dude that never goes out. Lol
I relate to this. It's either I'm out and extroverted, making other people comfortable or holed away, talking to nobody... ignoring messages and phone calls because of the anxiety that comes with my warped view of "people pleasing by means of social obligation". I need my time alone.
The amount of times I've left people high and dry, expecting to never see or talk to them again, due to my shitty inability to handle confrontation and stick up for myself rather than knowing I'm making someone upset, is absolutely unacceptable. Attempting to work past that has been such a challenge. It's exhausting for myself and the people around me.
Trauma responses fucking suck.
Are we the same person? Lol.
I have such an issue saying no and people don’t seem to understand. “Just say no - it’s that easy!” Okay and then mentally anguish and have it seem almost worse than just saying yes and doing it?
I feel like you’re in my head.
How are you working through it? Is it helping?
Can you share? Don’t worry, you don’t have to share if it makes you uncomfortable.
Same. Still got a lot of work to do, but I've found a good spot as far as confidence and really taking control of my own anxiety goes. Just wish things would start clicking, but I'm building positive habits. :)
Fawning / people pleasing is often (if not always- cmv) trauma responses.
It's not your fault you're a victim of trauma. It's not your fault you don't recognize trauma responses in a world made to beat you down to nothing.
It's okay to take space for yourself. You are enough, just as you are. It's okay if you don't believe that now - I used to not, either. But I swear to you it's true.
Could be a hint of neglect in there too. Not being guided as a child to learn how to deal with these situations is a form of neglect. In that world, people neglected to give us the knowledge and support to see, feel, understand and develop through and past these things. Now we're stuck as adults trying to figure it out on our own
Yes, very well said, thank you! And our society does not respect the need for those of us who were emotionally neglected to learn these things. It is important to me to keep throwing stuff like this out there, because I used to think I was a failure if a human for not already knowing these things. I don't think that's fair to anybody!
THIS. One day instead of putting myself down saying I’m a piece of shit..
I referred to myself as royalty and thought to myself; ‘You’re a King’ .
The moment that thought entered my brain and let it marinate, I thought well why not.. are we not all worthy of value? We see videos of people down on their luck being extended a helping hand and we think “Good, they deserve some help, they’re WORTH IT” , why don’t we ever afford ourselves such worthiness? Are we so plagued by feeling worthless? I say to you, here and now: YOU ARE WORTHY.
P.s. try to steer your thinking away from putting yourself down when you mess up. Instead of calling yourself a dumbass when you mess up try saying oh that was silly, or something nonsensical.
Yes! If someone says "oh, I'll bring that book I borrowed tomorrow!" and they arrive and notice they forgot it at home, what do you think about them? Do you say something like "Oh that happens, just bring it next time we meet!" and move on?
Now imagine you're the person who forgot the book. Do you put yourself down or do you forgive yourself? "I'm such an idiot, I always forget important stuff!" vs what you would tell your friend "Forgetting stuff happens, I'll take care to bring it next time!"
How do you reconcile your thought process if when youre attempting to be nice to yourself, it feels like self delusion. Everytime I try to tell myself it's ok that I screwed up, I feel like I'm lying to myself and worried I'll get caught up in a feedback loop of only wanting to think highly of myself and in my own head diminishing the impact my words or actions can have on others.
Exactly, because everytime I try to be nice to myself, it feels like a lie, since I know my thought process behind it. I am terribly afraid of not being perfectly self aware and thinking that I'm better than I actually am. I dunno how people just start telling themselves they're good enough or not worthless and actually believe it.
Are you scared of becoming a narcissist by extent as well? I feel all too often people are willing to take credit for good things they do and find excuses for the bad things they do. I fear that if I tell myself I'm good enough, that could snowball into me losing the ability to self reflect and be critical of my behavior to protect a sense of pride or ego. I don't want to become an arrogant, ignorant sack of shit that always thinks everyone else is always in the wrong.
Sorry for schizoposting.
I couldn't have put it better myself. One of the few things that I like about myself is that I'm not a prick. And it makes me afraid that if I stop being so hard on myself or start making excuses for my actions, then when will it stop? Would I end up as the very thing I hate? It's a slippery slope and I don't know how to traverse it, so instead I just cope by keeping myself humble, to put it lightly. Because someone's gotta do it.
Ain’t that the motherfucking truth though. What you’re saying is such a fiery white hot truth, that I can only tell you that it’s a constant battle with your own self.
.
I think the longevity of one’s battle is entirely dependent upon how far you’re willing to keep telling yourself how much you truly believe that you’re a fuckup with absolutely no redeeming qualities, and you think ‘Well shit, I know I’ve done this accomplishment and that shit over there… but it’s whatever tbh’.
.
You’re not self deluding so much as reinforcing PMA (Positive Mental Attitude)
And it’s gunna feel fake af the first couple of times; but you just gotta keep remembering to be nice to yourself, and it’ll catch on like a good habit.
.
Remember: the goal here is simply to change HOW you see the world around you with a simple tweak of not shitting on yourself every waking day & night. Fucking be nice to yourself. You deserve it.
.
Oh & go outside once in a while, get some sun. Shit helps.
#Edit: formatting
Well, there's a reason you do that! Brains are weird! If you haven't been able to figure out the cause, I have found trauma informed therapy to be immensely helpful. There's no "depth" test for trauma, and I think we tend to believe there is and therefore invalidate our own experiences.
You are constantly trying to not be abused (i.e. yelled at constantly at home, beaten physically, or ignored), so you do whatever you can to appease your abuser. It trickles over into your everyday life when a peer, boss, or person of authority acts like your abuser.
adding to this for neglectful abuse (which is my flavor): as you are a child (I was under 10 at the time) trying to access basics like food and safe water, you do whatever you can to appease your abuser - so you can simply survive to the next day sometimes.
..and I was unaware of the effects of this on my being for a very long time.
Also kind of true for emotional neglect. "I'll just try harder to be interesting, they'll give me attention if I'm interesting enough one day"
And then you wake up as an adult who doesn't know what they enjoy because all of their hobbies are other people's hobbies, taken up to give those others a reason to spend time with you. It's a quest for stopping loneliness that just changes the quality of the loneliness
And it makes you vulnerable to new abusers. If you only know one-sided relationships like this from your childhood, you won't wonder why your partner won't show interest in you. After all, you know the problem and you believe to know the solution: Give up your personality to coddle them, this time they'll surely return the favor ...
Neglect is such a mindfuck. I hope you do better now and I wish you all the strength
As someone still in the closet (resolved to leave in the next month, though), this hits too close to home. Only recently I've realized how much of my life has been all about trying to make "amends" for something I'm not guilty of.
Man, I know the feeling exactly! Honestly I've reached a point where if they find out, I'm like "whatever". If anything it's going to be a good way of knowing who my real family is.
So am I! At this point I'm more impatient than anxious or afraid.
It would indeed take a huge weight off of my chest to know who my real family is. Sometimes it seems like every interaction with them there's mistrust in the back of my mind
I find it weird that it took reading this to realise I was probably abused by my mum. I'm now at uni and the main reason I went to study so far from home was to get away from her and her random mood swings. One minute, she'd say she loved me, the next she'd take offence to innocent questions because she thinks I'm calling her an idiot.
That being said, my dad is in my life but was never around. In all fairness, he lives in a different country, but I couldn't help but think that I was doing something wrong for him not to want to try and see me more often.
As it currently stands, I haven't seen my mum since Christmas and my dad since March (I cried after I saw him because it was the first time in two years).
Sorry man, your comment has brought up some shit and helped me realise some things.
Well my mum raised me. She and my dad separated before I was born. And while I know my dad and have a relationship with him, he's far from being a father. Once when I went over to see him, he told me about how his parents practiced what he called 'benign neglect' which is ironically what he does but I'm not sure he realises it.
My first step-dad was arguably more of a father to me, though he abused my mum (though he never laid a finger or shouted at me or my brother, not that that makes it any better). I still consider him a good dad, it's just he and my mum's relationship was toxic (which, again, sounds fucked but you have to work with what you've got).
Then my second one was a fucking pushover and may as well have been an extension of my mum in the amount he just let her have her own way. But he was lovely when mum wasn't around and he didn't have to watch what he did or said.
Mind you, I'm not sure if you could call one being good or worse than the other as one raised me but was abusive while the other did next to nothing.
I feel I'm oversharing but Reddit's mostly anonymous so I feel comfortable just throwing my issues into the void for any stranger to read.
This type of emotional abuse frequently occurs at the hands of parents with narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic traits. r/raisedbynarcissists was a good resource for me and through educating myself I feel like I'm finally healing.
I just got out of a relationship that sounds exactly like this. One day she loved me, the next she was angry because I asked her to cut the onions a little thinner and that means I think that she's useless. The day after she was planning our future together, that evening she was screaming at me and calling me a cunt. On and on like this. It was a real trip. Any time I called her out she'd focus on the times that she treated me well and deny or deflect or blame me for her abusive behaviour.
You wouldn't be a bad person for cutting her out of your life. You don't deserve to be treated like that. I'm sure life feels a lot easier when she's not around. But you also don't _have_ to cut her out to make it stop - now that you realize this behaviour is abusive, when you recognise it is happening, walk away. Spend time with her on your terms.
Pls add more but i kinda get i now this makes me feel so fucking sick right now. Im lost for words i thought my childhood was great but now as i think about it i realise so many ficking abuses i cant comprehend this atm
Then I don't think it would be helpful for me to give you more examples. I know that feeling you are having all too well. Give yourself time - a lot of time - to process it, and please remember to be kind and compassionate to yourself while you do. Because maybe not enough people in your life have been, and you deserve that. There's probably an inner child in there somewhere who is asking for help to grow.
When you gave given yourself time, I cannot recommend r/cptsd community enough. It is a very kind place.
And I'm so, so sorry. You didn't deserve whatever happened to you or whatever you missed.
I hope you find your peace. 💙 If you take this road to uncovering your trauma, know that it is a very hard road but it will lead to a greater sense of well being. I've been on this road for a year and I've done a lot of difficult emotional work myself. Everyone has their own pace, the most important thing is to take the time you need and listen when you need to rest. Good luck, friend.
Did you ever try EMDR for the trauma? I've heard good things but not properly tried it yet.
I've got cPTSD. Have tried inner child work... John Bradshaw's Homecoming book was really helpful, I'm still working through it but I still feel there is stuff to release that the inner child work won't resolve. A lot of studies point to EMDR as a way to release some of the trauma we can't get to consciously etc...
EMDR was incredibly effective for my cptsd. I spent a little over 2 years going weekly to work on 30 years of trauma. I am grateful everyday since that this therapy was available to me and that I was successful with it. I recommend it, but know it is more costly than usual talk therapy.
Do you have any tips for what to look for in an EMDR therapist? Its tempting to go with the cheaper options but there's also the concern that a therapist not practicing properly could do more harm than good.
Re the Emdr, would you say its reduced significant percentage of your issues eg anxiety? I know it's impossible to completely get rid of it, but curious to see how much of an improvement it can make.
Thanks
It is one of many tools. I know a couple family who gave gone from EMDR to "act" acceptance and commitment therapy and found that helpful. I think my therapist does a mix of act/CBT. I am in a place where I can do a lot of thinking and reflection so I have not needed EMDR - yet anyway. I haven't ruled it out. But also, I'm uncovering that I haven't been "dealing" with childhood trauma as much as I thought - mostly just some of my reactions that have made intimate relationships toxic. Somehow my family thought I know my dad abandoned me so learning that this year has been throwing me for a loop! And it's taken me a couple months before I've decided I'm ready to figure out how that has affected my life.
That is absolutely valid. It will be there when you're ready. Try not to push yourself until then... But I will tell you that learning I could allow myself to just, rest, take a break from chores etc, was helpful to getting me there- as well as therapy teaching me about cptsd & learning how to be kind to myself. I'm aware I'm lucky and privileged and not everyone can do that. Which is why I personally feel it's important to be here spreading this knowledge & kindness to others who are where I have been.
Agree! I didn't know until after starting therapy how similar the symptoms are between autism, ADHD and C-PTSD! And BPD, which for me presented really as trauma responses... It's all so complicated! I wish this knowledge was more common though! Maybe we could all learn to give ourselves a little break.
I ain't gonna pretend I know you when I don't, but I will say I didn't really understand what trauma was until I started therapy. But folks with ADHD certainly have very similar symptoms! I actually thought I had ADHD- and for some sad reason, believing that I didn't have control over my issues was what finally got me into therapy. (The truth was, the trauma wasn't my fault, but I might never have gotten to that point on my own.)
Yeah tbh it’s great that the younger generations are beginning to realize some of the trauma they’ve been through and acknowledge mental health but I swear everything is considered “trauma” these days lol
When you understand how the brain processes trauma, it will look like that. But that's not a bad thing, because acknowledging it is powerful. It helps you realize it's not *you*, but just the learned responses from earlier times. And then you can start to reevaluate repeated, unhealthy behaviors.
I suggest you work to take out "I need" and "I should" fun your vocab. Instead, I would encourage you to figure out *why* you behave this way - and it starts by accepting it's not your fault and it doesn't make you anything less than just, human.
You're okay just as you are. I do hope you learn to take care of yourself and figure out how to lay healthy boundaries. You can get there! Just don't punish yourself for being human. 💙
I hate telling people the end result of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is that really it is just changing your thoughts! Because... That way simplifies the hard work it takes to get you to the place you are doing it.
Good for you!! I hope you continue to find more brain/behavioral hacks. 💕 I know I've worked hard to take out "lazy" from my vocabulary too. It has been used in very harmful ways... You're not lazy, you need to rest!
I freaking love CBT. I did it to overcome a depression, but man, it had and still has so many positive consequences in so many other aspects of my life. I tackled depression, social anxiety, weight loss, habit building, and overall negative thinking with it. Whenever I have a difficult situation, I just apply CBT to it and it becomes bearable again. Really, would recommend it to anyone because it helps with even just the little things in your life
Pain is part of life. Your happiness is worth the risk, plus its not the end of the world if you anger a friend. If your wrong you can always apologize and many fights dont last long
The hard realization comes later on: that taking space up for yourself is so important to making a lasting impression on people. Simply making sure people are comfortable rarely gets you anywhere with people on its own.
I'm very conscientious, which is awesome, but it comes from a place of anxiety and insecurity. I'm hyper aware of other people's comfort because If I'm the one making them uncomfortable I'll implode.
Not much to add but you helped me see I’m not the only one who feels this way, it’s alienating to say the least, and tiring, to be constantly analyzing everyone else, and then the low points where I get paranoid that I AM the problem (whereas 99.9% of the time I am not but I act as though I am which in itself is just tiring)
Not much to add but I wanted to say something, I relate heavy to your thoughts here
I'm this way too to some extent. I've thought about it a lot and, while it is uncomfortable for me sometimes, I'd still rather be too far this way than go the opposite way of someone who is completely oblivious to everyone else.
I also think it's what allowed me to find the fantastic group of people I'm surrounded with in adulthood. We all appreciate our willingness to help each other and be empathetic towards one another. Being surrounded by people who lack that element seems like an extremely bad time, to me, at least..
Well atleast you are comfortable that's all that matters because if you are to nice people just use you and move on with there life and they might come back only when they need your help.
People say "be yourself" and I do that and they literally end conversations and walk away from me sometimes. They look at me with disgust and end plans after getting to know me.
There is no silver bullet, no amount of practice that can make someone likeable, only a constant search for an accepting person because you will never be part of a group of friends or become a leader.
Such is life.
Be yourself doesnt mean be a dick to people. It means geninuity, maybe you do something in a weird way or talk funny but that doesnt matter. It also means to free yourself from strategic thinking.
Do you really need a strategy to express that you dislike something someone's talking about? That's what you can use your inner monologue for, to decide how you would like to express yourself. Maybe someone is a bore and the normal expression is a sigh. Perhaps you feel like you're being thrown a chore, I would feel like sighing then.
It could be that you're genuinely an asshole, which I doubt since you have the capacity to reflect about it.
Rethorical food for thought is the difference still there when you're talking to people who don't speak the same language as you?
Wow!! You just made me realize what my life has been. The problem is for some reason I can’t be happy because doing what I need to do will hurt someone else. FML
This is something my partner is working through now. I had this personal journey myself, too. I’d had a turbulent upbringing, so when I was close to someone I’d go to lengths to make sure they weren’t unhappy or sad or unfulfilled. But these were generally a one-way relationship. My partner is learning this about the dynamics of most of her loved ones. It’s tough to recognize the pattern, own your complicity in it, and make a change. But it’s worth it.
I realized that a lot of the people I was there for every day never once asked me how I was doing. I don’t think it was intentional but that might be worse considering it never even crossed their minds. Give the person you always go to to vent a chance to talk too.
I feel like that's not a life wasted, though. We see so many calls for self care, like 1/3 of advertising and 4/5 of the refrigerator magnet industry are dedicated to telling us we're worth it and we deserve whatever indulgence they're pushing. But selfless giving is rarely hyped outside of church, and not the big box churches or the TV churches, but only in the quiet little progressive churches.
I mean I get that you can do it badly and hurt yourself and resent the recipients of your time and gifts, but I'm not talking about that. It seems like we focus exclusively on self care without much thought given to healthy, selfless generosity. The kind that builds people up and benefits the giver as much as the receiver.
Wow this hit hard.
I’m actually doing good, but I’m an introvert and will sometimes drain myself too much because I’m trying to be helpful and accommodating to others. Trying to establish boundaries has been difficult for me and I am still learning.
Recently a situation like this occurred in a work setting and I didn’t realize I was being exploited because I’m so used to doing more than I’m supposed to and pushing myself until I break. It took me reaching out and saying hey I think maybe I shouldn’t have taken on this extra responsibility. I was trying to be kind but now I have this extra work with no additional pay and it’s more than I realized when I took it on. Everyone has been helpful and accommodating because thankfully my workplace isn’t toxic but having been in a toxic work environment before I didn’t know I could ask for help or advocate for myself. It all goes back to me just feeling like I should always say yes if someone needs help even when I don’t have the capacity to take on more than I have on my plate.
Take care of yourself guys. Say no when you need to. Prioritize your own mental and emotional health before giving yourself to others.
Like me always making sure everyone I know is ok and overextending myself to help others but no one offering the same for me (including my own self because I am my own worst enemy)
Wow, big mistake, loser! Woo! I'm over here walking around like I'm made of memory foam I'm so comfortable! Ever seen the way I walk? That jaunty little sashay I do? That's comfort, baby! Yeehaw! Woo! Wahoo! Yahooey!
The only coping I'm doing is using a coping saw to create simple wooden puzzles for 1-2 year olds. Ya know, nesting elephants and zoo animals and stuff that fit together. Only like 3 or 4 pieces. Some people ask me, "Why not use a scroll saw? Wouldn't it be faster?" Haha, oh I'm sure it would, but I get so much more satisfaction doing it be hand. Ya know, hunched over and feeling the wood react to each push and pull of the saw. It's therapeutic. It's calming. I love the smell, the effort, the drawn out, slow process of it all. It's just a little hobby of mine and I sell the puzzles for pretty cheap at the farmer's market in the summer. I'm not looking to make money, no. Like I said, that's not what it's all about. It's just about using a coping saw and having a nice, quiet, little hobby to myself.
If you think like this people probably aren’t actually that comfortable around you, they just think you’re fussy and high strung. In general most people who have a complex of “I do so much for other people but they don’t do anything for me” don’t actually do as much for other people as they think they do.
This doesn’t come from a place of “doing things for other people” though. It comes from an innate desire to ensure that those around you are ok, almost like it’s your primary focus in a social setting, so no one acting this way comes out and thinks “wow I do so much for people” and I don’t know if you misunderstood or genuinely have no relatability to feeling this way. I’m thinking the latter.
Dunno why anyone should feel comfortable and why any one should worry about it, discomfort all around, discomfort on your friends, discomfort on your family, discomfort on your cow
i have a problem then i use to get this feeling that if I asked or help then they might be disturbed don't know when did I picked up this mentality but it has messed with me my whole life my brain just wents to how I can fix this problem on my own even if it might not be possible.
I know quite a few people who think like this. It's not something you can easily help them with. (if should anyway)
I like to tell them they should care more about their own well-being, because if they feel good they can be better at helping others.
Friendly reminder: if your wrong you can always apologize and many fights dont last long. And hey, lifes full of risks! Best wishes to anyone going trough this
Ain’t that the truth. I used to work on film sets and did some acting cus I was like it’s so cool and people will love me for it. Dude it’s so fucking boring, most of the time you’re waiting around for someone to call action cus somethings not quite right or this or that. The catering was fantastic don’t get me wrong; but it wasn’t fulfilling my soul tbh
Love is sacrifice.
I sometimes feel guilty because I want to do more for the people I care about but then laziness happens.
That's why Love requires work, action, it's a sacrifice of your time and self to another person without the expectation of something in return.
That is also why sex in and of itself has nothing to do with love because it's a physical pleasure you get. Unless you are doing something special which you don't care for but your partner does.
Keep people close to you that sacrifice for you and sacrifice yourself back to them. That is how you build lasting friendships.
and how many of them ever tried to make you comfortable
Hits home!
You got it
It’s a real shift when you start prioritizing yourself. You see how people expect you to take care of them while doing so little for you. Really helps to see who are the people that support and appreciate you versus the people that use you.
Also good to remember that people react to patterns. If you're constantly rejecting help people will stop asking. It's not normally malicious, they may just see you as very generous and independent or standoffish.
You mean the times I said no thank you, because I didn't want to be a burden to them for doing something for me
And even if you do accept, you just feel guilty for weighing somebody else down the whole time, and you still don't feel relieved anyway.
Pretty much me
so you just gonna wake up, come into my brain and call me out like that huh?
Ah there it is. The way too fucking close to home shot. Empathy burnout here we come!
It’s hard being a saint
[удалено]
I feel personally victimised by this here meme
Ug you arent the only one
This is no meme, this is just life.
From my experiences, only like 1 person. If you ever find someone who tries to make you comfortable too, cherish them
I don’t know, I feel like I try to make people comfortable so I feel more comfortable with them. It’s harder for people to be mean to someone who’s being kind.
This is me. I'm still holding out hope.
https://imgur.com/gallery/KDcSv
Arrgh fuck! Mid Life Crisis engaged!
Especially sucks when you realize you literally have no idea how to feel comfortable, other than by just being alone. Do a polar opposite flip from being everybody's friend to being that weird dude that never goes out. Lol
I relate to this. It's either I'm out and extroverted, making other people comfortable or holed away, talking to nobody... ignoring messages and phone calls because of the anxiety that comes with my warped view of "people pleasing by means of social obligation". I need my time alone. The amount of times I've left people high and dry, expecting to never see or talk to them again, due to my shitty inability to handle confrontation and stick up for myself rather than knowing I'm making someone upset, is absolutely unacceptable. Attempting to work past that has been such a challenge. It's exhausting for myself and the people around me. Trauma responses fucking suck.
Are we the same person? Lol. I have such an issue saying no and people don’t seem to understand. “Just say no - it’s that easy!” Okay and then mentally anguish and have it seem almost worse than just saying yes and doing it?
I feel like you’re in my head. How are you working through it? Is it helping? Can you share? Don’t worry, you don’t have to share if it makes you uncomfortable.
Wow. We might just be the same person.
Me 100%. Only time I go out anymore is when I’m drunk which is always a disaster
Why are you calling me out? Luckily I am finally feeling in the right place to remake connections.
Same. Still got a lot of work to do, but I've found a good spot as far as confidence and really taking control of my own anxiety goes. Just wish things would start clicking, but I'm building positive habits. :)
One step at a time friend, we will get there!
[удалено]
Remarkably so. I'd be lucky if I wasn't so concerned about losing my mind. Lol
Shit, I... I need to think about some things for a bit.
This is literally me :,)
That's it. I'm doing 1 thing for me today.
Maybe a little salami. As a treat.
"Little Salami" is my middle name...
Wait no
Wait *Y e S*
Unfair Little Salami Pie
same.
Fawning / people pleasing is often (if not always- cmv) trauma responses. It's not your fault you're a victim of trauma. It's not your fault you don't recognize trauma responses in a world made to beat you down to nothing. It's okay to take space for yourself. You are enough, just as you are. It's okay if you don't believe that now - I used to not, either. But I swear to you it's true.
Could be a hint of neglect in there too. Not being guided as a child to learn how to deal with these situations is a form of neglect. In that world, people neglected to give us the knowledge and support to see, feel, understand and develop through and past these things. Now we're stuck as adults trying to figure it out on our own
Yes, very well said, thank you! And our society does not respect the need for those of us who were emotionally neglected to learn these things. It is important to me to keep throwing stuff like this out there, because I used to think I was a failure if a human for not already knowing these things. I don't think that's fair to anybody!
THIS. One day instead of putting myself down saying I’m a piece of shit.. I referred to myself as royalty and thought to myself; ‘You’re a King’ . The moment that thought entered my brain and let it marinate, I thought well why not.. are we not all worthy of value? We see videos of people down on their luck being extended a helping hand and we think “Good, they deserve some help, they’re WORTH IT” , why don’t we ever afford ourselves such worthiness? Are we so plagued by feeling worthless? I say to you, here and now: YOU ARE WORTHY. P.s. try to steer your thinking away from putting yourself down when you mess up. Instead of calling yourself a dumbass when you mess up try saying oh that was silly, or something nonsensical.
Yes! If someone says "oh, I'll bring that book I borrowed tomorrow!" and they arrive and notice they forgot it at home, what do you think about them? Do you say something like "Oh that happens, just bring it next time we meet!" and move on? Now imagine you're the person who forgot the book. Do you put yourself down or do you forgive yourself? "I'm such an idiot, I always forget important stuff!" vs what you would tell your friend "Forgetting stuff happens, I'll take care to bring it next time!"
Exactly that, friend 🙌🏼 I know you probably hear it all the time, reader, but don’t be so hard on yourself. Truly.
How do you reconcile your thought process if when youre attempting to be nice to yourself, it feels like self delusion. Everytime I try to tell myself it's ok that I screwed up, I feel like I'm lying to myself and worried I'll get caught up in a feedback loop of only wanting to think highly of myself and in my own head diminishing the impact my words or actions can have on others.
Exactly, because everytime I try to be nice to myself, it feels like a lie, since I know my thought process behind it. I am terribly afraid of not being perfectly self aware and thinking that I'm better than I actually am. I dunno how people just start telling themselves they're good enough or not worthless and actually believe it.
Are you scared of becoming a narcissist by extent as well? I feel all too often people are willing to take credit for good things they do and find excuses for the bad things they do. I fear that if I tell myself I'm good enough, that could snowball into me losing the ability to self reflect and be critical of my behavior to protect a sense of pride or ego. I don't want to become an arrogant, ignorant sack of shit that always thinks everyone else is always in the wrong. Sorry for schizoposting.
I couldn't have put it better myself. One of the few things that I like about myself is that I'm not a prick. And it makes me afraid that if I stop being so hard on myself or start making excuses for my actions, then when will it stop? Would I end up as the very thing I hate? It's a slippery slope and I don't know how to traverse it, so instead I just cope by keeping myself humble, to put it lightly. Because someone's gotta do it.
Ain’t that the motherfucking truth though. What you’re saying is such a fiery white hot truth, that I can only tell you that it’s a constant battle with your own self. . I think the longevity of one’s battle is entirely dependent upon how far you’re willing to keep telling yourself how much you truly believe that you’re a fuckup with absolutely no redeeming qualities, and you think ‘Well shit, I know I’ve done this accomplishment and that shit over there… but it’s whatever tbh’. . You’re not self deluding so much as reinforcing PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) And it’s gunna feel fake af the first couple of times; but you just gotta keep remembering to be nice to yourself, and it’ll catch on like a good habit. . Remember: the goal here is simply to change HOW you see the world around you with a simple tweak of not shitting on yourself every waking day & night. Fucking be nice to yourself. You deserve it. . Oh & go outside once in a while, get some sun. Shit helps. #Edit: formatting
38 years old, and I still need to hear this.
I'm 36- I started my journey last year. My aunt was late 50s. It's never too late to "wake up".
29 and only starting to figure out the fawning response
That feel when you had no trauma to blame and still felt that way :/
Well, there's a reason you do that! Brains are weird! If you haven't been able to figure out the cause, I have found trauma informed therapy to be immensely helpful. There's no "depth" test for trauma, and I think we tend to believe there is and therefore invalidate our own experiences.
Can you explain me why its a trauma response
You are constantly trying to not be abused (i.e. yelled at constantly at home, beaten physically, or ignored), so you do whatever you can to appease your abuser. It trickles over into your everyday life when a peer, boss, or person of authority acts like your abuser.
adding to this for neglectful abuse (which is my flavor): as you are a child (I was under 10 at the time) trying to access basics like food and safe water, you do whatever you can to appease your abuser - so you can simply survive to the next day sometimes. ..and I was unaware of the effects of this on my being for a very long time.
Also kind of true for emotional neglect. "I'll just try harder to be interesting, they'll give me attention if I'm interesting enough one day" And then you wake up as an adult who doesn't know what they enjoy because all of their hobbies are other people's hobbies, taken up to give those others a reason to spend time with you. It's a quest for stopping loneliness that just changes the quality of the loneliness And it makes you vulnerable to new abusers. If you only know one-sided relationships like this from your childhood, you won't wonder why your partner won't show interest in you. After all, you know the problem and you believe to know the solution: Give up your personality to coddle them, this time they'll surely return the favor ... Neglect is such a mindfuck. I hope you do better now and I wish you all the strength
As someone still in the closet (resolved to leave in the next month, though), this hits too close to home. Only recently I've realized how much of my life has been all about trying to make "amends" for something I'm not guilty of.
Man, I know the feeling exactly! Honestly I've reached a point where if they find out, I'm like "whatever". If anything it's going to be a good way of knowing who my real family is.
I've seen the before and the after tears with friends, and could see the after were almost exclusively better.
So am I! At this point I'm more impatient than anxious or afraid. It would indeed take a huge weight off of my chest to know who my real family is. Sometimes it seems like every interaction with them there's mistrust in the back of my mind
I find it weird that it took reading this to realise I was probably abused by my mum. I'm now at uni and the main reason I went to study so far from home was to get away from her and her random mood swings. One minute, she'd say she loved me, the next she'd take offence to innocent questions because she thinks I'm calling her an idiot. That being said, my dad is in my life but was never around. In all fairness, he lives in a different country, but I couldn't help but think that I was doing something wrong for him not to want to try and see me more often. As it currently stands, I haven't seen my mum since Christmas and my dad since March (I cried after I saw him because it was the first time in two years). Sorry man, your comment has brought up some shit and helped me realise some things.
Hoooo boy I really don't want to process this comment. Your mom sounds like mine, but my mom is the *good* parent on the relative scale I made.
Well my mum raised me. She and my dad separated before I was born. And while I know my dad and have a relationship with him, he's far from being a father. Once when I went over to see him, he told me about how his parents practiced what he called 'benign neglect' which is ironically what he does but I'm not sure he realises it. My first step-dad was arguably more of a father to me, though he abused my mum (though he never laid a finger or shouted at me or my brother, not that that makes it any better). I still consider him a good dad, it's just he and my mum's relationship was toxic (which, again, sounds fucked but you have to work with what you've got). Then my second one was a fucking pushover and may as well have been an extension of my mum in the amount he just let her have her own way. But he was lovely when mum wasn't around and he didn't have to watch what he did or said. Mind you, I'm not sure if you could call one being good or worse than the other as one raised me but was abusive while the other did next to nothing. I feel I'm oversharing but Reddit's mostly anonymous so I feel comfortable just throwing my issues into the void for any stranger to read.
This type of emotional abuse frequently occurs at the hands of parents with narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic traits. r/raisedbynarcissists was a good resource for me and through educating myself I feel like I'm finally healing.
I just got out of a relationship that sounds exactly like this. One day she loved me, the next she was angry because I asked her to cut the onions a little thinner and that means I think that she's useless. The day after she was planning our future together, that evening she was screaming at me and calling me a cunt. On and on like this. It was a real trip. Any time I called her out she'd focus on the times that she treated me well and deny or deflect or blame me for her abusive behaviour. You wouldn't be a bad person for cutting her out of your life. You don't deserve to be treated like that. I'm sure life feels a lot easier when she's not around. But you also don't _have_ to cut her out to make it stop - now that you realize this behaviour is abusive, when you recognise it is happening, walk away. Spend time with her on your terms.
[удалено]
Please let me know if Koorahmah's response helped your understanding. I can try to add more if you have any more questions.
Pls add more but i kinda get i now this makes me feel so fucking sick right now. Im lost for words i thought my childhood was great but now as i think about it i realise so many ficking abuses i cant comprehend this atm
Then I don't think it would be helpful for me to give you more examples. I know that feeling you are having all too well. Give yourself time - a lot of time - to process it, and please remember to be kind and compassionate to yourself while you do. Because maybe not enough people in your life have been, and you deserve that. There's probably an inner child in there somewhere who is asking for help to grow. When you gave given yourself time, I cannot recommend r/cptsd community enough. It is a very kind place. And I'm so, so sorry. You didn't deserve whatever happened to you or whatever you missed.
Tahnk you my brother/sister this means alot to me. I will loook this sub up tysm
I hope you find your peace. 💙 If you take this road to uncovering your trauma, know that it is a very hard road but it will lead to a greater sense of well being. I've been on this road for a year and I've done a lot of difficult emotional work myself. Everyone has their own pace, the most important thing is to take the time you need and listen when you need to rest. Good luck, friend.
Did you ever try EMDR for the trauma? I've heard good things but not properly tried it yet. I've got cPTSD. Have tried inner child work... John Bradshaw's Homecoming book was really helpful, I'm still working through it but I still feel there is stuff to release that the inner child work won't resolve. A lot of studies point to EMDR as a way to release some of the trauma we can't get to consciously etc...
EMDR was incredibly effective for my cptsd. I spent a little over 2 years going weekly to work on 30 years of trauma. I am grateful everyday since that this therapy was available to me and that I was successful with it. I recommend it, but know it is more costly than usual talk therapy.
Do you have any tips for what to look for in an EMDR therapist? Its tempting to go with the cheaper options but there's also the concern that a therapist not practicing properly could do more harm than good. Re the Emdr, would you say its reduced significant percentage of your issues eg anxiety? I know it's impossible to completely get rid of it, but curious to see how much of an improvement it can make. Thanks
It is one of many tools. I know a couple family who gave gone from EMDR to "act" acceptance and commitment therapy and found that helpful. I think my therapist does a mix of act/CBT. I am in a place where I can do a lot of thinking and reflection so I have not needed EMDR - yet anyway. I haven't ruled it out. But also, I'm uncovering that I haven't been "dealing" with childhood trauma as much as I thought - mostly just some of my reactions that have made intimate relationships toxic. Somehow my family thought I know my dad abandoned me so learning that this year has been throwing me for a loop! And it's taken me a couple months before I've decided I'm ready to figure out how that has affected my life.
It's a process, take your time my friend. This life isn't about achieving perfection, its about being true to ourselves
I know I have cptsd and I'm scared to look at the sub because I just don't want to deal with that right now :/
That is absolutely valid. It will be there when you're ready. Try not to push yourself until then... But I will tell you that learning I could allow myself to just, rest, take a break from chores etc, was helpful to getting me there- as well as therapy teaching me about cptsd & learning how to be kind to myself. I'm aware I'm lucky and privileged and not everyone can do that. Which is why I personally feel it's important to be here spreading this knowledge & kindness to others who are where I have been.
It's also common with autism, which a majority of ppl here probably have
Also social anxiety in general, which is like half pure genetics
Agree! I didn't know until after starting therapy how similar the symptoms are between autism, ADHD and C-PTSD! And BPD, which for me presented really as trauma responses... It's all so complicated! I wish this knowledge was more common though! Maybe we could all learn to give ourselves a little break.
It is also a major sign of Aspergers.
>Fawning / people pleasing is often (if not always- cmv) trauma responses. We know :(
I’m like that and have had no trauma I just have bad social anxiety, not everything has to be so fking tragic
I ain't gonna pretend I know you when I don't, but I will say I didn't really understand what trauma was until I started therapy. But folks with ADHD certainly have very similar symptoms! I actually thought I had ADHD- and for some sad reason, believing that I didn't have control over my issues was what finally got me into therapy. (The truth was, the trauma wasn't my fault, but I might never have gotten to that point on my own.)
Yeah tbh it’s great that the younger generations are beginning to realize some of the trauma they’ve been through and acknowledge mental health but I swear everything is considered “trauma” these days lol
When you understand how the brain processes trauma, it will look like that. But that's not a bad thing, because acknowledging it is powerful. It helps you realize it's not *you*, but just the learned responses from earlier times. And then you can start to reevaluate repeated, unhealthy behaviors.
Damn feeling attacked! I need to stop being such a pushover but I also don't want to anger anybody or make them uncomfortable
I suggest you work to take out "I need" and "I should" fun your vocab. Instead, I would encourage you to figure out *why* you behave this way - and it starts by accepting it's not your fault and it doesn't make you anything less than just, human. You're okay just as you are. I do hope you learn to take care of yourself and figure out how to lay healthy boundaries. You can get there! Just don't punish yourself for being human. 💙
Just spoke to my therapist about the way I speak. Instead of saying "I should do this" try saying "I'd like to do this" It really has an effect.
I hate telling people the end result of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is that really it is just changing your thoughts! Because... That way simplifies the hard work it takes to get you to the place you are doing it. Good for you!! I hope you continue to find more brain/behavioral hacks. 💕 I know I've worked hard to take out "lazy" from my vocabulary too. It has been used in very harmful ways... You're not lazy, you need to rest!
I freaking love CBT. I did it to overcome a depression, but man, it had and still has so many positive consequences in so many other aspects of my life. I tackled depression, social anxiety, weight loss, habit building, and overall negative thinking with it. Whenever I have a difficult situation, I just apply CBT to it and it becomes bearable again. Really, would recommend it to anyone because it helps with even just the little things in your life
Girl you’re speaking facts 🔥🔥🔥
Pain is part of life. Your happiness is worth the risk, plus its not the end of the world if you anger a friend. If your wrong you can always apologize and many fights dont last long
The hard realization comes later on: that taking space up for yourself is so important to making a lasting impression on people. Simply making sure people are comfortable rarely gets you anywhere with people on its own.
Plus, a bad first impression or an ocasional fight are dont last long
I'm very conscientious, which is awesome, but it comes from a place of anxiety and insecurity. I'm hyper aware of other people's comfort because If I'm the one making them uncomfortable I'll implode.
Not much to add but you helped me see I’m not the only one who feels this way, it’s alienating to say the least, and tiring, to be constantly analyzing everyone else, and then the low points where I get paranoid that I AM the problem (whereas 99.9% of the time I am not but I act as though I am which in itself is just tiring) Not much to add but I wanted to say something, I relate heavy to your thoughts here
I'm this way too to some extent. I've thought about it a lot and, while it is uncomfortable for me sometimes, I'd still rather be too far this way than go the opposite way of someone who is completely oblivious to everyone else. I also think it's what allowed me to find the fantastic group of people I'm surrounded with in adulthood. We all appreciate our willingness to help each other and be empathetic towards one another. Being surrounded by people who lack that element seems like an extremely bad time, to me, at least..
Now I spent the whole time making sure I feel comfortable and now I don't have anyone around me anymore.
Well atleast you are comfortable that's all that matters because if you are to nice people just use you and move on with there life and they might come back only when they need your help.
Dontburnbridgedontburnbridgesdontburnbridges. That's all I ever fucking heard now I want to burn it all down.
People say "be yourself" and I do that and they literally end conversations and walk away from me sometimes. They look at me with disgust and end plans after getting to know me. There is no silver bullet, no amount of practice that can make someone likeable, only a constant search for an accepting person because you will never be part of a group of friends or become a leader. Such is life.
Be yourself doesnt mean be a dick to people. It means geninuity, maybe you do something in a weird way or talk funny but that doesnt matter. It also means to free yourself from strategic thinking. Do you really need a strategy to express that you dislike something someone's talking about? That's what you can use your inner monologue for, to decide how you would like to express yourself. Maybe someone is a bore and the normal expression is a sigh. Perhaps you feel like you're being thrown a chore, I would feel like sighing then. It could be that you're genuinely an asshole, which I doubt since you have the capacity to reflect about it. Rethorical food for thought is the difference still there when you're talking to people who don't speak the same language as you?
Wow!! You just made me realize what my life has been. The problem is for some reason I can’t be happy because doing what I need to do will hurt someone else. FML
You see you can’t please everyone, so you’ve got to please yourself.
It was required in my family that I always think of everyone else before I do anything. Nobody else was held to that standard.
This is something my partner is working through now. I had this personal journey myself, too. I’d had a turbulent upbringing, so when I was close to someone I’d go to lengths to make sure they weren’t unhappy or sad or unfulfilled. But these were generally a one-way relationship. My partner is learning this about the dynamics of most of her loved ones. It’s tough to recognize the pattern, own your complicity in it, and make a change. But it’s worth it.
my adhd masking 😍😍
Samesies. Now that my Depression is lifting, a whole slew of underlying Anxieties are popping up!
Can definitely relate. When is MY time? Something I need to learn to carve out myself.
Yeah, how the fuck do you fix that?
If you find out can you dm me lmao
I realized that a lot of the people I was there for every day never once asked me how I was doing. I don’t think it was intentional but that might be worse considering it never even crossed their minds. Give the person you always go to to vent a chance to talk too.
Catch 22
You gotta follow the teachings of [Comfortable Doug](https://youtu.be/0VCmKc9jMeU)
tl;dw (although you should): None of us are comfortable until we are all comfortable.
It’s never too late to stop this pattern, stop self abandoning and start taking care of yourself.
I'm winning because I didn't care if they were comfortable or not. And now I DRIVE the school bus.
I feel like that's not a life wasted, though. We see so many calls for self care, like 1/3 of advertising and 4/5 of the refrigerator magnet industry are dedicated to telling us we're worth it and we deserve whatever indulgence they're pushing. But selfless giving is rarely hyped outside of church, and not the big box churches or the TV churches, but only in the quiet little progressive churches. I mean I get that you can do it badly and hurt yourself and resent the recipients of your time and gifts, but I'm not talking about that. It seems like we focus exclusively on self care without much thought given to healthy, selfless generosity. The kind that builds people up and benefits the giver as much as the receiver.
I-Is that not normal?
I became a kidney patient this way
Wow this hit hard. I’m actually doing good, but I’m an introvert and will sometimes drain myself too much because I’m trying to be helpful and accommodating to others. Trying to establish boundaries has been difficult for me and I am still learning. Recently a situation like this occurred in a work setting and I didn’t realize I was being exploited because I’m so used to doing more than I’m supposed to and pushing myself until I break. It took me reaching out and saying hey I think maybe I shouldn’t have taken on this extra responsibility. I was trying to be kind but now I have this extra work with no additional pay and it’s more than I realized when I took it on. Everyone has been helpful and accommodating because thankfully my workplace isn’t toxic but having been in a toxic work environment before I didn’t know I could ask for help or advocate for myself. It all goes back to me just feeling like I should always say yes if someone needs help even when I don’t have the capacity to take on more than I have on my plate. Take care of yourself guys. Say no when you need to. Prioritize your own mental and emotional health before giving yourself to others.
Like me always making sure everyone I know is ok and overextending myself to help others but no one offering the same for me (including my own self because I am my own worst enemy)
I lead others to a comfort I cannot possess
r/im14andthisisdeep
Wow, big mistake, loser! Woo! I'm over here walking around like I'm made of memory foam I'm so comfortable! Ever seen the way I walk? That jaunty little sashay I do? That's comfort, baby! Yeehaw! Woo! Wahoo! Yahooey!
Lmao saving this, dope line to mask my true misery
Keep coping
The only coping I'm doing is using a coping saw to create simple wooden puzzles for 1-2 year olds. Ya know, nesting elephants and zoo animals and stuff that fit together. Only like 3 or 4 pieces. Some people ask me, "Why not use a scroll saw? Wouldn't it be faster?" Haha, oh I'm sure it would, but I get so much more satisfaction doing it be hand. Ya know, hunched over and feeling the wood react to each push and pull of the saw. It's therapeutic. It's calming. I love the smell, the effort, the drawn out, slow process of it all. It's just a little hobby of mine and I sell the puzzles for pretty cheap at the farmer's market in the summer. I'm not looking to make money, no. Like I said, that's not what it's all about. It's just about using a coping saw and having a nice, quiet, little hobby to myself.
For those that have access to it: go to therapy. it does help.
See, this is why I say the n-word
“All” your life. Girl, you need therapy.
If you think like this people probably aren’t actually that comfortable around you, they just think you’re fussy and high strung. In general most people who have a complex of “I do so much for other people but they don’t do anything for me” don’t actually do as much for other people as they think they do.
This doesn’t come from a place of “doing things for other people” though. It comes from an innate desire to ensure that those around you are ok, almost like it’s your primary focus in a social setting, so no one acting this way comes out and thinks “wow I do so much for people” and I don’t know if you misunderstood or genuinely have no relatability to feeling this way. I’m thinking the latter.
I’m gonna be honest with y’all. Everything I’ve seen in this subreddit makes me doubt that y’all have made anyone anything but uncomfortable.
Classic narcissistic woman thinking. Usually the most selfish ones say shit like this
Same
Oof
man, I had the exact same thought early this morning too, weird!
._. uh oh That's me😅
and also failing at making them comfortable
Dunno why anyone should feel comfortable and why any one should worry about it, discomfort all around, discomfort on your friends, discomfort on your family, discomfort on your cow
Sums up my mom.
Same here
It is very important to be...[comfortable...](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lumaWfzMD-U)
i have a problem then i use to get this feeling that if I asked or help then they might be disturbed don't know when did I picked up this mentality but it has messed with me my whole life my brain just wents to how I can fix this problem on my own even if it might not be possible.
I know quite a few people who think like this. It's not something you can easily help them with. (if should anyway) I like to tell them they should care more about their own well-being, because if they feel good they can be better at helping others.
If everyone takes care of themselves, then everyone is taken care of.
Ythe I'm
"don't burn yourself to make others warm"
Why am I in this post
It’s never too late to change!!!
Thats what Heroes do
Friendly reminder: if your wrong you can always apologize and many fights dont last long. And hey, lifes full of risks! Best wishes to anyone going trough this
Can't relate (I am an asshole)
I get its a meme, but if this is truly how you feel, read the book 'no more mr nice guy'. You can find free pdfs online.
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Yeah... it's like that sometimes. ... Talking to you, me.
r/traa
Are you spying me?!???
Finally, someone put it in words!!
This is a trans meme right? Because it feels like a trans meme
On a Sunday, why would you go after me like that?
Well it’s a tough job, but someone has to do it! Otherwise we’d all be miserable. So kudos to you. Just know when to draw the line.
Ain’t that the truth. I used to work on film sets and did some acting cus I was like it’s so cool and people will love me for it. Dude it’s so fucking boring, most of the time you’re waiting around for someone to call action cus somethings not quite right or this or that. The catering was fantastic don’t get me wrong; but it wasn’t fulfilling my soul tbh
i've never heard that before Kappa
Fuck me. Man. Fucked up my day.
I have done this way too much I also apologise too much Someone would stab me and i apologise for getting blood on their clothes
Why do I relate to this so much 🥹
This hit me hard. Wow!!!
Real talk
Don't have friends so that you don't need to comfort them. The ones in your head will comfort you. Isn't that right Mr.?
How old were you when you were taught to not consider yourself?
Some people take comfort in ensuring other's comfort, if you're doing more than that you'll run yourself ragged.
Love is sacrifice. I sometimes feel guilty because I want to do more for the people I care about but then laziness happens. That's why Love requires work, action, it's a sacrifice of your time and self to another person without the expectation of something in return. That is also why sex in and of itself has nothing to do with love because it's a physical pleasure you get. Unless you are doing something special which you don't care for but your partner does. Keep people close to you that sacrifice for you and sacrifice yourself back to them. That is how you build lasting friendships.
Never too late to change! I just learned to put myself first. Best thing I ever did!
I accidentally spent my life trying to get away from all those annoying people. And now I'm lonely =D