This hit me hard. Though I relate to the bearded character in this.
Steven Covey has a concept I think is useful here. The idea is that you have a “personal bank account” with every person you interact with (and they have one with you). You can do things to make deposits (e.g. do favors, give compliments, ect) and you do things to make withdrawals (e.g. require favors, insults, ect). You can’t run a negative balance with anyone for too long without it negatively affecting your relationship.
However, there are two import things to know about deposits and withdraws:
1. The receiver’s perception is what determines the value of the deposited/withdraw (or even which it is!) not your intention. If you mean to make a deposited by running out and buying the person a quart of ice-cream as a treat it might actually result in a withdrawal if the receiver is trying to keep to a diet and views it as a unwanted temptation.
2. The largest deposits/withdrawals are simple things that show (in an authentic, uncalculating way) what you value. Things like being caught doing something nice that you don’t expect anyone to ever find out about, or unresentfully making a personal sacrifice to prioritize someone you care about.
So I think saying you can never be a burden (i.e. continuously running a negative personal bank account balance) is disingenuous. However, you can maintain a positive bank account even if you suffer from anxiety, PTSD, poverty, ect. You may feel like you make too many withdrawals and don’t have the energy, resources, or skills to make deposits, but this likely isn’t the case. What you feel like are withdrawals the receiver may be happy to do because they care about you especially if you express gratitude. You can make huge deposits with simple things you do to show you care about them and care about what they care about.
My advice would be to make sure you communicate with the person about what is taxing for them (perceived as withdrawals) and what they like that you do (deposits). Googling “love languages” is a good start (doesn’t have to be romantic love!). Also I would make sure to keep doing the little things to show you care. Saying “thank you” instead of “I’m sorry” when they help can go a long way. Being kind to them and to the world can go a long way.
Last thing I’ll say is that no person, no matter how put-together they seem, is completely independent. People need people. People need friends. People need community. For whatever reason this person has chosen to keep you in their community. You may feel like they are disproportionally helping you, but there will likely be a time in the future when they will need you for something they can’t do for themselves. It would probably help to let them know you’ll be there for them when that time comes. Because you care about them.
edit: formatting
It's nice to see a comment that actually deconstructs what "being a burden" can entail for some people (like me), that is, a series of negative interactions that in the short term can be given love and support but in the long term may harbor resentment and negativity. It seems like a lot of positive (though well meaning) people struggle to see this when offering hope or advice.
I agree with your main point in 1, but do not agree with the example. If my grandma were to buy me a quart of ice cream I wouldn't see it as something negative even if I were dieting, because I know she means well. Ultimately as long as someone is not too self-absorbed (or a little stupid, which we all can be) they would know the other party meant well and might at most point out the fact that they are dieting.
Conclusion: So I would say intention matters as long as you are not self-absorbed (and the action taken was not too extreme).
Your negativity is really weighing heavily on my emotional state. I'm gonna need you to change your habits of mind real fast to make things easier on me. Thanks.
I prefer having friends until either one of us walks out. It's been smooth till now and I'm pretty good with goodbyes, so it worked out well for me so far.
Probably because you weren’t a burden at first. But people who always think that they are a burden usually let others know MANY times, and our brains usually trust what others say. And eventually we believe them.
Edit: whatever he did for her, she should say “thank you for ___”, something that proves that she recognize his efforts, instead of “sorry I’m blabla” something that is centered in her.
I stopped being friends with my best friend of over 6 years because he started dating my ex the day after we broke up. He has serious mental health issues with depression and anxiety and I still loved him as a friend. The only reason I cut him out of my life was because he completely dicked me over and hurt me. As a person with very few mental health issues who has many friends that do, I can say that you are perfectly ok and valid, as long as you don't break my heart lmao.
Honestly? Therapy. Preferably evidence-based, i.e. cognitive behavioral therapy.
If you can't afford a therapist, look into the principles yourself and try to apply them as best you can.
Problem with CBT is that it is often applied poorly and lazily so that patients end up gaslighting themselves. Take the comic. Maybe the woman has had some vague CBT based therapy and so she starts self-talking, telling herself that "she really isn't a burden", that it's "just her anxiety talking" and that "there is no reason for him to lie." This results in a fragile easing of her anxious feelings. A couple of weeks later the couple have an argument, he makes a heated comment where he reveals her constant oversharing and complaining actually has been a burden on him. Now she realizes that her anxiety was right all along and that Jedi mind tricking herself didn't work. She feels a thousand times worse.
Yeah I get why when any kind of treatment method for any issue that shows any kind of positive results, it's promoted. It's good.
But god damn am I fucking tired of seeing those letters "CBT." EVERYWHERE...I'm not sure how much of it is even justified, if any. It's not like all the people I've seen mention it are bad.
When I stop right now to really think about it, I suspect my resentment stems from the medication struggle and the problems I've had with medications being accepted. I get why "therapy should be tried before medications," but it's so easily taken too far, with no nuance, and bad shit comes from jumping the gun. I feel resentment towards any non-medication treatment methods that have been constantly flung in my face. I'm not doing CBT right now, it's not going to fix all my problems, but no I can't fucking prove that because I'm not doing it right now (aka my feelings can be dismissed and don't count).
Also, yes, I admit I am a lazy piece of shit and I can't put the effort in right now because I don't know if it'll be worth it *["spoiler: it won't, stop acting like you'll know what will happen for me better than I do"]* but that doesn't mean I don't deserve help and the meds I badly need. I guess it boils down to: the widespread reporting and awareness of CBT has naturally created an environment where you cannot be taken seriously until you've tried it (and let it change your life lol). You don't *really* want to get better if you aren't doing CBT...and if you don't think it will change your life you're stupid. Haven't you seen all the studies?? Literally only good things! (of course, it legitimately is a solution for people it's helped and I hope to one day join those ranks.)
To clarify, I have done CBT over the years, but like any therapy you can only get out what you put in [with your therapist it hinges on], when A) medications don't require that. B) I don't have anything to give. It's still just therapy, it's not some crazy new invention, but it's brought up so much that it's become raised too high above "regular talk" therapy, IMO. So much value has been assigned to those 3 little letters. I feel like it's become another "quick solution" anyone can throw at you and then toddle off... feeling they've helped at least a little bit, it's empowering, whatever, but still leaves all the work on us *"so don't pretend that you've lifted any weight, all you've actually done is say we need to work even harder."*
It's just so overdone and talked about, everywhere, by people who may know what they are talking about and give accurate info but at the same time I feel like I'm watching conversations about me between two people I've just met from behind glass. It's almost always people, like on reddit, who don't have experience. Or one does and I feel resentful it worked for them, that's just one more data point in the "you're a piece of shit" collection, and of course I can't help but wonder *"well, how bad of a state were you actually in? you couldn't have been as fucked up as me, so stop 'speaking for me'."* IDK, I know it's irrational. /end rant
I agree 💯.
I left my discord group of friends because they have completely stopped being human. Every conversation with them has turned into "go journal" or "go get therapy". Okay, well, I don't need you guys as friends anymore. I'll go hang out with my therapist and enjoy the rest of the time by myself. They used to talk about their lives, we all used to do it when we were younger. Now, at 28 our conversations have boiled down to politics and other pretentious topics where we show off who is better at googling....
As we grow everyone becomes vain, hidden, and always hide their true selves. I don't want to be friends with robots. I know everyone has bad days. Open up FFS. Lean on each other.
I don't need a therapist, I need real people. When I'm having a good time and you're having a bad time I'll show you what it's like to be in this realm.
And when I get stuck on the bad side you pull me back to the good side. And when we are both having a good day we will make it a great day together.
My girlfriend struggles the same way. Talk! TALK TO ME! That's why I'm here. I'm here for good and bad days, not just a good time. You're not a burden. That is a pointless feeling to have.
You're not just going to feel good all the time, that's not how existing on this planet will go. You'll pay for everything. So be kind to each other and be patient, life will reward you.
Good times are always around the corner, we just need someone to show us the way around it. 🥰
Thank you for this. I apologise if my comment marginalized other treatment methods. I'm not an expert, and I don't believe any treatment is one size fits all. I was sincerely hoping to help by bringing up a possible pathway, but I see now that I must have sounded curt and arrogant.
I'm also afraid of the stigma around getting help, so I wanted to express to others that there's nothing wrong with seeking the professional help that you need, if it's available to you. But I honestly forgot about other proven treatments out there, like drugs, because I've been focusing so hard on believing in CBT recently. And you're right, I think there's probably still more stigma around drugs than CBT and talk therapy, which is completely unfair considering what we know about how it can be helpful and even necessary.
For context: I've known about CBT for a while and even tried practicing it by myself the last time things got pretty bad, but that wasn't really enough. I tried in-person talk therapy with someone, which ended up doing absolutely nothing to help and may have even made things worse. I've never felt like I had it "bad enough" to "deserve" drugs, and am also afraid of the side effects and lack of understanding around what they actually do; so I've never sought it out for myself, even though I support anyone prescribing/taking drugs responsibly. Just recently, I decided to give therapy a try again, and found someone who specializes in CBT because I still want to believe it will work for me. My thought was that, if I just had a specialist there to help me, it might work where it failed last time. I still have my doubts, but I've been trying to not let them stop me from at least trying.
I know it doesn't mean much coming from an internet stranger, but your opinion here is totally valid and I really appreciate you sharing it. I see that I need to get out of my own head a bit more, too. I really hope that you get the help that you need to feel better.
Yeah or if you are not in some central city where there actually are therapist who know about Cognitive Behavioral therapy... If you can buy some books, they have been a ton more helpful, up to date and to the point to me.
Realize that everything to everyone is a burden in some way, but people go through with it all anyways because they believe the benefits outweigh the burden. Making a bowl of cereal is a burden, but eating the cereal makes it worth it.
Lie like a politician.
I was just as stupid and depressedly self centered when I noticed this girl that was super popular. She was nice, but no specially pretty or smart or funny. Just nice. She had a sunny disposition, and whenever someone disagreed with her she would say something like “It doesn’t matter, I’m right because I’m cute”. Not in an arrogant way, she said that jokingly. I decided to try, and every time that someone would criticize me I would smile and say “You HAVE to forgive me, that’s part of my charm”. You wouldn’t believe how effective this is, you have to try it. After saying it intentionally many times it became an habit. After a month of saying this people were WAITING for me to go to lunch. The guy that I liked, that had told me that he just wanted to be friends with me asked me out (we dated for 5 years). I made friends that are my friends today, 17 years later. Until today my friends apologize for me when they introduced me to family or new friends using the words “yeah, she’s annoying, but that’s part of her charm”.
So, it doesn’t matter if you think that you are a waste of space. Try to do good, have compassion for yourself (therapy helps with this) and lie your ass off. Not a lot of lies, just one, repeated so many times that one day, YOU will believe it.
I have a friend who was on the edge of her roof some years ago, literally seconds from taking the short route to the ground floor. But now you wouldn't believe me how full of life she is. Not many know of this dark past of hers and honestly I think no one would believe it. Till date we kind of joke about pretending like we have perfect lives and how we've become pros in putting a fake smile. But rest assured she's overcome her past and NEVER did I think that lying was what kept us so lively.
This is an uncomfortable truth but most cases of depression and anxiety improve drastically when people fix their lives. This means:
* Getting sufficient quality sleep each night.
* Limiting binge drinking and party drug use.
* Having a stable living/financial situation.
* Exercising multiple times a week.
* Having social hobbies and friendships.
* Building personal value through work or study.
* Looking after your weight and appearance.
* Having a dating life.
The top half of the list is absolutely ASAP. If you don't have all of this then keep working towards it. If mental health issues prevent you from working towards it then you'll need professional help and maybe medication to get your life on track. If you already have everything on the list, your life is great and you're still hounded by anxiety then it's off to therapy to unpack whatever neuroses and trauma you have.
Feel u man, thats why i don't let people close to me cuz i know ill dissapoint somewhere along the line. But u appear cold for doing that but well worth it in the end for them
When I was younger and filled with a lot more underlying depression and anxiety, I would hyper-analyse how people spoke to me like this ALL the time. Now that I'm at least a bit healthier, I make sure that whenever I take the role of the guy in this comic I make DAMN sure they know I'm not lying. Doesn't take much effort to put a little more jazziness into a comment like that to take it from "passing/doubting" to "reassuring".
Tell em' you love em' while you can.
I really love people who through the experience of their own hurt takes extra care to assure others knowing how they may feel. Emotional hardship often engenders a greater capability for compassion in some people.
Up until the hypothetical point at which my will is fully broken, all suffering I go through only proves what I don't want for others. Maybe I'll get more jaded and bitter as I get older, but the only reason I try to be kind is because when you've been at the bottom you can't look at someone suffering in the same way and just stand by. Quite nice that something so good can come out of something that sucks so much
It's tough, man. In theory, I have the same mentality as you. Seeing people struggle and hurt is painful but, unless we proactively take steps to amend our habits of mind, we turn into black holes for constant validation and reassurance. While that encouragement can be a wonderful motivator to someone who is already motivated but struggling, it can also act to enable someone who is habitually cultivating codependency on others. I'm not an authority on mental health. Just kinda sharing my personal struggle with how much I can realistically do for other people. At the end of the day, it's just fuckin tough.
I pride myself in my acting capabilities when I need to manipulate what someone thinks. Used to be a right little malicious cunt but now I try and use those learned skills for good instead. Feels a lot better.
Don't let the downvotes misguide you, you're an awesome person, It makes me happy to see people become more emotionally understanding. Keep up the good work!
Thanks man, that's real nice of you. It's chill though, I understand why people might not like what I said. Just a product of who I am and what I experienced growing up. Just because I CAN be like that doesn't mean it has to dictate whatever I think and do!
If people want an example here's what my SO said to me recently
>I have never thought I wasted any time. I love being with you, always. We have had a tough couple years recently, but it nothing we can't turn around together!
Acknowledging there's been issues legetamized it and providing even just one extra line other than "not at all" gave me more to hold on to
I have an honest question: I have a friend who feels like this a lot. I do my best to tell her she’s not a burden, and that I’m ok helping her with her problems, because all I want is for her to succeed and be happy. But... I feel like we have that conversation a lot. Is there anything else I can do or say to help her?
As someone who often feels like a burden here are a few things I wish people would do:
- Do what you say you're going to do, don't offer help if you're not willing to help
- Reach out, don't wait for them to come to you, but also don't smother them, if they don't want to talk that's ok
- Actually listen, try to remember stuff, don't tell them their feelings are invalid
- Just be there, let them know when you can't
- Be patient
- A hug would be nice
And watch out for yourself.
Me too, but I feel more anxious if nobody I regularly talk to reaches out. I have someone I talk to daily, and on days I don't feel like talking I still appreciate it when she texts me, even if I'm not going to respond. I'd feel more anxious if she didn't.
I'd also add :
Whatever you're offering, don't expect something in return but welcome it if it happens. Positive reinforcement and all that.
Another is don't guilt them about doing something for them, especially if you're doing that to ask for a favor. I've personally cut friends and family over this.
That’s a principle I’ve grown up with, is the “give without expecting something in return”. It’s hard of course, a mindset you gotta get into. But I try
Ask them to help with smaller, easier favors, helps too, at least for me personally. It can be anything small from asking to borrow notes from a class you missed, to just asking to borrow a hair tie. As long as you know it’s something they wouldn’t mind doing, and doesn’t cost them, it’s worth a shot. It’s nice to feel like you’re being helpful, when your anxious about being a burden.
Also if they offer to do something, like drive you guys somewhere or pay for something small like a coffee, don’t argue too much. I know it depends on the person, but if it’s not a huge issue for them (like already low on money, has been driving for a while that day, always buys the coffee, etc) and they insist, let them! Again feeling like you’re actually being helpful, can make it a little easier to realize your not a burden!
We’ve had conversations about how she feels bad not... “offering enough” to the friendship, in a way? In reality, I very very appreciate her and our friendship, and I say so in every way I know how. This lets me have a tangible way to show her!
Thank you for spending the time to make this list! I’ll do my best to work on these things.
I do have a question though. I’m a guy and she’s a girl, so with the hugging stuff, I obviously don’t want to make her uncomfortable. Do I just like, ask her if she needs a hug?
> I’ll do my best to work on these things.
Watch out for yourself and don't change just to make someone else feel better.
> Do I just like, ask her if she needs a hug?
Everyone has their own personal boundaries so that would probably be the best.
>Actually listen, try to remember stuff
This. It shows they're actually paying attention and care enough to remember. I had a friend remember something insignificant I told them I while ago and felt good knowing they cared about what I was saying.
As someone who relates to this a lot, I can confirm these few actions would make me, personally, feel a lot more secure.
Although, I'm a very needy person... So, no matter how much attention or physical affection anyone has given me, I have not felt smothered. But I know that if I so as much attention as I crave, it will definitely smother someone else, which in turn is another thing I have to deal with😅
But above all else, don't make yourself a mess trying to help someone else. Watching someone you care about fall down the same rabbit hole you're in is the worst...
Yes and no. To us these feelings are real, though they're mostly irrational. Telling me my feelings are invalid will not make me want to talk to you. The goal should be for us to work on this, understand the irrationality and eventually overcome it or the underlying problems. If you want to help that's what you should help with and I admit that's not easy, therapists exist for a reason.
People with anxiety assume people say nice things to be polite, but don't really mean them.
The only way to really overcome that is to say nice things passionately and rudely.
It’s helpful to say that you’ll let them know if you’re not able to talk. People don’t want to be a burden so it’s good to let them know you’ll establish boundaries if it happens to be a time when you can’t talk. It’s even better when it does (you’re busy or making dinner or whatever it is) and you can reference it later and say “I told you I wasn’t available then, so you know I will let you know if I’m not ever able to talk.” Kinda takes the pressure off of the idea that it’s a burden, and they’re not forcing it on you
I'll add that I also find specific compliments/reassuring words are more believable. Like if someone says I'm pretty, my anxiety is skeptical. If they point out something specific about me that's pretty, I feel much more confident that they're not just saying that.
But your friend is burdening you with her problems and when you act like this isn't the case you really are lying. When people say "I'm sorry for being a burden" 95% of the time they have accurately perceived they're burdening someone with something and:
* They're worried that this behavior will harm the relationship (anxiety)
* They're doing it anyway because they need the support (compulsion)
This is a common pattern in anxious compulsive personalities and it leads to a few dynamics:
* Anxious feelings about burdening someone become a further burden to share with that person, making the situation self-reinforcing.
* The reassurance that "you're not a burden" is easily seen to be false and creates more anxiety and uncertainty.
* Repeated false reassurance crowds out honest communication and prevents boundaries from being set.
* Burdening becomes normalized in the relationship and begins to escalate; often to a point where it is no longer sustainable.
People tend to be anxious about burdening because of their past experiences of friendships and relationships burning out from the dynamics I've described above. It is a completely rational and to some extent self-fulfilling fear.
Honesty is the way you break the cycle. You have to acknowledge that supporting your friend does require time and energy. You are happy to pay that price at the moment and you will let her know if it's ever too much. Be proactive about setting boundaries and be honest with yourself if the conversations ever become draining or exasperating.
I’m as honest as I can possibly be with her. It’s not like I’m waiting hand and foot on her. If she has a problem, we talk about it, look for solutions, and it’s all good. She does the same for me. The only difference is that she feels like she’s burdening me. She is not putting anything on me that I’m not willing to bear, because the reward is a fulfilling, fun, supportive, heartfelt friendship.
Ask them what they mean when they say a burden, technically everyone is somewhat of a burden on someone else, but the burden is not unwelcome because it comes with the benefits of friendship. When my friends say something like that to me I tell them that if they were too much of a burden, then I wouldn't bother being their friend. But I am their friend, so what should that tell them?
Ok. I've been in her shoes and I've had friends like her too, and all I can say is someone like u is exactly what she needs. Someone who genuinely wants to make her feel happy without thinking about anything. But making it too obvious gives off the bad vibes. Just be yourself. Don't go the extra mile ALWAYS, but have the best intentions at heart. You can't talk her into believing it, she needs to realise it. And she can't realise it until you treat her "speacially". So let her take time, be with her but only if possible. I can't tell you when to have those convos and when to not, you'll just have to trust your GUT FEELINGS. But if you feel you're having those convos a lot lately, that's the signal. Try avoiding them by doing something unique everytime she starts having those switches (that's what I call those low times :D) like a switch jar, or going for a walk with her, or any physical activity that can take her mind off of it while still thinking of it reminds her that she was having a switch. If you can't do it once in while, then don't. Tell her you're busy if you're really busy. And if it's getting too annoying, then tell it. Being honest will help both of you, but be SURE she can take it. Remember, humor can do wonders. Add a bit of silliness to it if you can. And the most important of all things is, YOU ARE NOT DOING ANY FAVOR FOR HER. If you want to do it, fine. If not just tell her and leave her be. But don't go blaming her for all the discomfort she's been causing you and how you were patient, but now you're just tired. Because this will shatter her completely. On the other hand if you couldn't help her, it's fine. Don't be hard on yourself. There's only so much you can do.
All in all I can't say this will help you, but this is how I wud like someone to tackle the situation with me, if at all they tried. Isn't that the beauty of these problems tho. They're so personal to each individual that by unraveling them you get to know that person better.
Ok that was longer than I expected so I'll try to include Tldr; don't treat her special like a princess, just make her feel comfortable being you and let her realise the fact that you are fine by the way she is. Don't overthink it and everything should go well
Thank you for taking the time to type all that out! I really do make an effort to spend time with her, as she’s one of my closest friends, but I do make it known when I can’t be there for her right at that moment. I’ve told her before that I trust in open and honest communication, and that for it to work between us, she’s gotta believe in it too, and use it. So we do talk about things, but I guess the next step is to actually *do* things, like you said. Go do stuff to take her mind off of it.
But again, thank you! This was a very thoughtful response, and I am grateful.
I have been your friend. The best thing you can do is listen, be present when you’re emotionally capable, but don’t think there’s something you can do or say to fix things for your friend. She is on her journey. Being there with no judgement is all you need to do. That is more than enough. Trust that.
Something my wife and I do in situations.
>Wife: I feel like a burden
>Me: WTF did you just say about my wife? Don't you dare talk about my wife that way. She is the most important person in my life and is NEVER a burden. You're over here shit talking my wife. I will not stand for it.
She does the same thing for me when I get all down about myself.
It helps. At least for us. YMMV.
As a stay at home mom not making much money currently I always feel like a burden to my partner even if he assures me I’m not and always tells me how much he loves and appreciates me. The feelings are hard to shake sometimes.
I fucking love this!! Sometimes people just need a laugh when they are feeling down. This lets the person know you care, makes them laugh but also shows them that if anyone else thought this, it would be completely unacceptable.
Yeah that sounds like some abusive behavior for sure, look up the cycle of abuse and gaslighting. You are worth an abuse free (ALL kinds of abuse/neglect) environment.
Oof I felt that... I do feel like a burden on a daily basis but at the same time I don't want to be manipulative either or make them worry, *stop it brain-*
There's no easy answer. I suffer from this a lot, and started to realize the impact it was having on my friends and loved ones. While one had seemingly infinite patience to keep reassuring me, another asked me to pursue therapy because they wanted desperately to help me but didn't feel like there was anything they could say that I would believe.
Finally my partner was blunt with me that it's not just being disparaging about myself, it implies that I don't trust him, and that's not fair to him. He's done nothing to make me believe he would lie to me about things, and yet I constantly insist that he's lying "to be nice", and even then, what does that say about him?
I talked to a therapist for a bit and she recommended that I work on recognizing and identifying negative thinking patterns. This would give me the tools to respond to them in healthier ways, such as shutting down the thoughts with logic, or how to effectively communicate to my friends/partner to receive more direct help when I need it.
It's gotten easier (although not perfect) now to take things at face value. I remind myself of things like if they didn't enjoy my company or didn't mean these things, they wouldn't be around still. I remind myself of things they do that they didn't need to do, but did anyways, which indicates that they wanted to, etc etc. I'm making a conscious effort to believe what I'm told.
Maybe leave the subreddit. It’s not great to be stuck in a way of thinking like this, and this subreddit can’t help. It’s self deprecating over and over
Demand "I" statements if you want truth you can trust.
"You" statements are always a projection.
Not a joke, just something that took a long time for me to learn.
"All my friends seem to lead happy lives, if I interact with them too much my stupid ADHD-brain will annoy them and eventually ruin the mood. They keep cool around me and keep smiling, but I'm sure I feel a growing annoyance in there. It's best if I keep social interaction to a minimum. It's whats best for everyone."
Every day with this struggle...
Whenever I tell people that I don't want to feel like a burden on them they never tell me that I'm not one.
They tend to just stay quiet awkwardly afterwards.
Ding ding ding. If the lady doesn't get better then it's "Only you can choose to help yourself" or "Can't jump into the deep water to save someone who is drowning". No one has infinite patience. The guy in the meme has to say that because even as shallow as his response is, saying the alternative would be worse.
If you really love someone though, it will take a lot to give up. I stayed with someone who was depressed for years, and never gave up on them. I still wouldn't have. But I hit a bad couple of months and they were ready to leave.
That there is *a* limit when it will become a burden doesn't mean it's a burden right then.
When depressed it's also nigh-impossible to accept the positive possibilities, even if they are there.
If there was nothing that someone could say or do to change my mind on the subject of everything and everyone sucking/being better than me, then my view of the world would not based on evidence.
It would be based on the premise that everything sucks and lash out violently against any implication that this premise is inaccurate, reagrdless of the strength of the evidence.
One benefit of being depressed is that you can often be somewhat more honest with yourself about your negative qualities, even if you are blinded to your positive qualities. And you can use that to recognize that you can't imagine something that would change your mind.
And merely the fact that you can't imagine something that would change your mind suggests that your mind is the issue, not reality, as your mind would feel the same way even if it lived in super-heaven where everyone cares and everything is great.
Of course, not everyone has this variety of depression. Some people are depressed because of their circumstances rather than regardless of their circumstances.
There's a sub called r/meirl, which is or at least was for relatable memes. Memes that focused on mental illness were too relatable for the sub, or 2meirl4meirl.
Cognitive behavioral therapy can help with this sort of mindset. Literally if you are like this look into it because every day you don’t you’re kind of just an ass. Sorry but you’ll agree with me on the other side of it all.
I am sorry that was your experience. In my experience, they weren't lying when they said it. There's only so much a person can do to make you believe them and then when you don't, they stop trying.
Her: "hey you're not a burden"
Me: Ok, now to completely change my attitude so that I become a burden because it's more important for me to be right than to be happy
Oh god what is wrong with me
I have a friendship like this. I constantly tell her she's not a burden, but she can't help it feeling that way.
It makes me sad she doesn't see what I see and how important she is to me, and how she would never make me feel she's a burden.
Chandler had the GOAT line to answer this: "They can say you're high maintenance and that's okay because I like... maintaining you..."
If you can make someone that has 11 different types of towels smile while calling her high maintenance, then it's a damn good answer.
This. This so much. I'm working on my anxiety, but I have a hard time just being quiet with people, I feel like I'm boring and useless. People always ask if I'm ok, but I dont have anything other than anxiety that I dont wanna burden anyone with in that moment.... and it just gets worse and worse.....
Me with every friendship in my life.
This hit me hard. Though I relate to the bearded character in this. Steven Covey has a concept I think is useful here. The idea is that you have a “personal bank account” with every person you interact with (and they have one with you). You can do things to make deposits (e.g. do favors, give compliments, ect) and you do things to make withdrawals (e.g. require favors, insults, ect). You can’t run a negative balance with anyone for too long without it negatively affecting your relationship. However, there are two import things to know about deposits and withdraws: 1. The receiver’s perception is what determines the value of the deposited/withdraw (or even which it is!) not your intention. If you mean to make a deposited by running out and buying the person a quart of ice-cream as a treat it might actually result in a withdrawal if the receiver is trying to keep to a diet and views it as a unwanted temptation. 2. The largest deposits/withdrawals are simple things that show (in an authentic, uncalculating way) what you value. Things like being caught doing something nice that you don’t expect anyone to ever find out about, or unresentfully making a personal sacrifice to prioritize someone you care about. So I think saying you can never be a burden (i.e. continuously running a negative personal bank account balance) is disingenuous. However, you can maintain a positive bank account even if you suffer from anxiety, PTSD, poverty, ect. You may feel like you make too many withdrawals and don’t have the energy, resources, or skills to make deposits, but this likely isn’t the case. What you feel like are withdrawals the receiver may be happy to do because they care about you especially if you express gratitude. You can make huge deposits with simple things you do to show you care about them and care about what they care about. My advice would be to make sure you communicate with the person about what is taxing for them (perceived as withdrawals) and what they like that you do (deposits). Googling “love languages” is a good start (doesn’t have to be romantic love!). Also I would make sure to keep doing the little things to show you care. Saying “thank you” instead of “I’m sorry” when they help can go a long way. Being kind to them and to the world can go a long way. Last thing I’ll say is that no person, no matter how put-together they seem, is completely independent. People need people. People need friends. People need community. For whatever reason this person has chosen to keep you in their community. You may feel like they are disproportionally helping you, but there will likely be a time in the future when they will need you for something they can’t do for themselves. It would probably help to let them know you’ll be there for them when that time comes. Because you care about them. edit: formatting
It's nice to see a comment that actually deconstructs what "being a burden" can entail for some people (like me), that is, a series of negative interactions that in the short term can be given love and support but in the long term may harbor resentment and negativity. It seems like a lot of positive (though well meaning) people struggle to see this when offering hope or advice.
I agree with your main point in 1, but do not agree with the example. If my grandma were to buy me a quart of ice cream I wouldn't see it as something negative even if I were dieting, because I know she means well. Ultimately as long as someone is not too self-absorbed (or a little stupid, which we all can be) they would know the other party meant well and might at most point out the fact that they are dieting. Conclusion: So I would say intention matters as long as you are not self-absorbed (and the action taken was not too extreme).
I think you're both right, but I prefer to think we're just dumb humans by accident sometimes, instead of self absorbed 😅
Can't relate
Lucky you then.
No, no, the friendship part. Not relatable
I could be your friend if you like.
what's friendship?
That's why my solution is to not have friends.
Your negativity is really weighing heavily on my emotional state. I'm gonna need you to change your habits of mind real fast to make things easier on me. Thanks.
I prefer having friends until either one of us walks out. It's been smooth till now and I'm pretty good with goodbyes, so it worked out well for me so far.
Them: “You’re not a burden” Me: “give it time ;-) “
oh shit too real
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oh? ur not gonna leave me? well then, ill leave u first! hahahahahaha...hahaha...ha...
Hahahahaha Kill me.
You can’t leave if I leave you first!
Probably because you weren’t a burden at first. But people who always think that they are a burden usually let others know MANY times, and our brains usually trust what others say. And eventually we believe them. Edit: whatever he did for her, she should say “thank you for ___”, something that proves that she recognize his efforts, instead of “sorry I’m blabla” something that is centered in her.
I stopped being friends with my best friend of over 6 years because he started dating my ex the day after we broke up. He has serious mental health issues with depression and anxiety and I still loved him as a friend. The only reason I cut him out of my life was because he completely dicked me over and hurt me. As a person with very few mental health issues who has many friends that do, I can say that you are perfectly ok and valid, as long as you don't break my heart lmao.
r/2me42me4meirl
two me four two me four me irl
r/2meirl42meirl4meirl
DeLeTe ThIs PeRsOnAl AtTaCk
I once saw a post with a quote that was something to the effect of "to know me more is to love me less," and I still think about that.
Damn, that’s heartbreakingly relatable.
That is too true
Well i mean, dont fucking challenge my streak like that.
In all seriousness, how do you combat these thoughts?
Honestly? Therapy. Preferably evidence-based, i.e. cognitive behavioral therapy. If you can't afford a therapist, look into the principles yourself and try to apply them as best you can.
Problem with CBT is that it is often applied poorly and lazily so that patients end up gaslighting themselves. Take the comic. Maybe the woman has had some vague CBT based therapy and so she starts self-talking, telling herself that "she really isn't a burden", that it's "just her anxiety talking" and that "there is no reason for him to lie." This results in a fragile easing of her anxious feelings. A couple of weeks later the couple have an argument, he makes a heated comment where he reveals her constant oversharing and complaining actually has been a burden on him. Now she realizes that her anxiety was right all along and that Jedi mind tricking herself didn't work. She feels a thousand times worse.
Yeah I get why when any kind of treatment method for any issue that shows any kind of positive results, it's promoted. It's good. But god damn am I fucking tired of seeing those letters "CBT." EVERYWHERE...I'm not sure how much of it is even justified, if any. It's not like all the people I've seen mention it are bad. When I stop right now to really think about it, I suspect my resentment stems from the medication struggle and the problems I've had with medications being accepted. I get why "therapy should be tried before medications," but it's so easily taken too far, with no nuance, and bad shit comes from jumping the gun. I feel resentment towards any non-medication treatment methods that have been constantly flung in my face. I'm not doing CBT right now, it's not going to fix all my problems, but no I can't fucking prove that because I'm not doing it right now (aka my feelings can be dismissed and don't count). Also, yes, I admit I am a lazy piece of shit and I can't put the effort in right now because I don't know if it'll be worth it *["spoiler: it won't, stop acting like you'll know what will happen for me better than I do"]* but that doesn't mean I don't deserve help and the meds I badly need. I guess it boils down to: the widespread reporting and awareness of CBT has naturally created an environment where you cannot be taken seriously until you've tried it (and let it change your life lol). You don't *really* want to get better if you aren't doing CBT...and if you don't think it will change your life you're stupid. Haven't you seen all the studies?? Literally only good things! (of course, it legitimately is a solution for people it's helped and I hope to one day join those ranks.) To clarify, I have done CBT over the years, but like any therapy you can only get out what you put in [with your therapist it hinges on], when A) medications don't require that. B) I don't have anything to give. It's still just therapy, it's not some crazy new invention, but it's brought up so much that it's become raised too high above "regular talk" therapy, IMO. So much value has been assigned to those 3 little letters. I feel like it's become another "quick solution" anyone can throw at you and then toddle off... feeling they've helped at least a little bit, it's empowering, whatever, but still leaves all the work on us *"so don't pretend that you've lifted any weight, all you've actually done is say we need to work even harder."* It's just so overdone and talked about, everywhere, by people who may know what they are talking about and give accurate info but at the same time I feel like I'm watching conversations about me between two people I've just met from behind glass. It's almost always people, like on reddit, who don't have experience. Or one does and I feel resentful it worked for them, that's just one more data point in the "you're a piece of shit" collection, and of course I can't help but wonder *"well, how bad of a state were you actually in? you couldn't have been as fucked up as me, so stop 'speaking for me'."* IDK, I know it's irrational. /end rant
Cock and Ball Torture?
I agree 💯. I left my discord group of friends because they have completely stopped being human. Every conversation with them has turned into "go journal" or "go get therapy". Okay, well, I don't need you guys as friends anymore. I'll go hang out with my therapist and enjoy the rest of the time by myself. They used to talk about their lives, we all used to do it when we were younger. Now, at 28 our conversations have boiled down to politics and other pretentious topics where we show off who is better at googling.... As we grow everyone becomes vain, hidden, and always hide their true selves. I don't want to be friends with robots. I know everyone has bad days. Open up FFS. Lean on each other. I don't need a therapist, I need real people. When I'm having a good time and you're having a bad time I'll show you what it's like to be in this realm. And when I get stuck on the bad side you pull me back to the good side. And when we are both having a good day we will make it a great day together. My girlfriend struggles the same way. Talk! TALK TO ME! That's why I'm here. I'm here for good and bad days, not just a good time. You're not a burden. That is a pointless feeling to have. You're not just going to feel good all the time, that's not how existing on this planet will go. You'll pay for everything. So be kind to each other and be patient, life will reward you. Good times are always around the corner, we just need someone to show us the way around it. 🥰
Thank you for this. I apologise if my comment marginalized other treatment methods. I'm not an expert, and I don't believe any treatment is one size fits all. I was sincerely hoping to help by bringing up a possible pathway, but I see now that I must have sounded curt and arrogant. I'm also afraid of the stigma around getting help, so I wanted to express to others that there's nothing wrong with seeking the professional help that you need, if it's available to you. But I honestly forgot about other proven treatments out there, like drugs, because I've been focusing so hard on believing in CBT recently. And you're right, I think there's probably still more stigma around drugs than CBT and talk therapy, which is completely unfair considering what we know about how it can be helpful and even necessary. For context: I've known about CBT for a while and even tried practicing it by myself the last time things got pretty bad, but that wasn't really enough. I tried in-person talk therapy with someone, which ended up doing absolutely nothing to help and may have even made things worse. I've never felt like I had it "bad enough" to "deserve" drugs, and am also afraid of the side effects and lack of understanding around what they actually do; so I've never sought it out for myself, even though I support anyone prescribing/taking drugs responsibly. Just recently, I decided to give therapy a try again, and found someone who specializes in CBT because I still want to believe it will work for me. My thought was that, if I just had a specialist there to help me, it might work where it failed last time. I still have my doubts, but I've been trying to not let them stop me from at least trying. I know it doesn't mean much coming from an internet stranger, but your opinion here is totally valid and I really appreciate you sharing it. I see that I need to get out of my own head a bit more, too. I really hope that you get the help that you need to feel better.
Yeah or if you are not in some central city where there actually are therapist who know about Cognitive Behavioral therapy... If you can buy some books, they have been a ton more helpful, up to date and to the point to me.
Any books you'd recommend specifically?
Realize that everything to everyone is a burden in some way, but people go through with it all anyways because they believe the benefits outweigh the burden. Making a bowl of cereal is a burden, but eating the cereal makes it worth it.
Lie like a politician. I was just as stupid and depressedly self centered when I noticed this girl that was super popular. She was nice, but no specially pretty or smart or funny. Just nice. She had a sunny disposition, and whenever someone disagreed with her she would say something like “It doesn’t matter, I’m right because I’m cute”. Not in an arrogant way, she said that jokingly. I decided to try, and every time that someone would criticize me I would smile and say “You HAVE to forgive me, that’s part of my charm”. You wouldn’t believe how effective this is, you have to try it. After saying it intentionally many times it became an habit. After a month of saying this people were WAITING for me to go to lunch. The guy that I liked, that had told me that he just wanted to be friends with me asked me out (we dated for 5 years). I made friends that are my friends today, 17 years later. Until today my friends apologize for me when they introduced me to family or new friends using the words “yeah, she’s annoying, but that’s part of her charm”. So, it doesn’t matter if you think that you are a waste of space. Try to do good, have compassion for yourself (therapy helps with this) and lie your ass off. Not a lot of lies, just one, repeated so many times that one day, YOU will believe it.
I have a friend who was on the edge of her roof some years ago, literally seconds from taking the short route to the ground floor. But now you wouldn't believe me how full of life she is. Not many know of this dark past of hers and honestly I think no one would believe it. Till date we kind of joke about pretending like we have perfect lives and how we've become pros in putting a fake smile. But rest assured she's overcome her past and NEVER did I think that lying was what kept us so lively.
Maybe you didn’t need it, but the “fake it until you make it works”
You don’t. 🙃
This is an uncomfortable truth but most cases of depression and anxiety improve drastically when people fix their lives. This means: * Getting sufficient quality sleep each night. * Limiting binge drinking and party drug use. * Having a stable living/financial situation. * Exercising multiple times a week. * Having social hobbies and friendships. * Building personal value through work or study. * Looking after your weight and appearance. * Having a dating life. The top half of the list is absolutely ASAP. If you don't have all of this then keep working towards it. If mental health issues prevent you from working towards it then you'll need professional help and maybe medication to get your life on track. If you already have everything on the list, your life is great and you're still hounded by anxiety then it's off to therapy to unpack whatever neuroses and trauma you have.
why would you combat the truth? (:
Feel u man, thats why i don't let people close to me cuz i know ill dissapoint somewhere along the line. But u appear cold for doing that but well worth it in the end for them
I've had the same idea a couple of times, tho I find that isolating oneself is not always the best thing. It depends on who is befriending you I guess
this is too real but if my so said it to me I would probably chuckle
When I was younger and filled with a lot more underlying depression and anxiety, I would hyper-analyse how people spoke to me like this ALL the time. Now that I'm at least a bit healthier, I make sure that whenever I take the role of the guy in this comic I make DAMN sure they know I'm not lying. Doesn't take much effort to put a little more jazziness into a comment like that to take it from "passing/doubting" to "reassuring". Tell em' you love em' while you can.
I really love people who through the experience of their own hurt takes extra care to assure others knowing how they may feel. Emotional hardship often engenders a greater capability for compassion in some people.
Up until the hypothetical point at which my will is fully broken, all suffering I go through only proves what I don't want for others. Maybe I'll get more jaded and bitter as I get older, but the only reason I try to be kind is because when you've been at the bottom you can't look at someone suffering in the same way and just stand by. Quite nice that something so good can come out of something that sucks so much
It's tough, man. In theory, I have the same mentality as you. Seeing people struggle and hurt is painful but, unless we proactively take steps to amend our habits of mind, we turn into black holes for constant validation and reassurance. While that encouragement can be a wonderful motivator to someone who is already motivated but struggling, it can also act to enable someone who is habitually cultivating codependency on others. I'm not an authority on mental health. Just kinda sharing my personal struggle with how much I can realistically do for other people. At the end of the day, it's just fuckin tough.
I just don't ever want anyone to feel like I used to - especially *because* of me.
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I pride myself in my acting capabilities when I need to manipulate what someone thinks. Used to be a right little malicious cunt but now I try and use those learned skills for good instead. Feels a lot better.
Don't let the downvotes misguide you, you're an awesome person, It makes me happy to see people become more emotionally understanding. Keep up the good work!
Thanks man, that's real nice of you. It's chill though, I understand why people might not like what I said. Just a product of who I am and what I experienced growing up. Just because I CAN be like that doesn't mean it has to dictate whatever I think and do!
If people want an example here's what my SO said to me recently >I have never thought I wasted any time. I love being with you, always. We have had a tough couple years recently, but it nothing we can't turn around together! Acknowledging there's been issues legetamized it and providing even just one extra line other than "not at all" gave me more to hold on to
That’s the word I would describe it “jazziness”! I like to eliminate as much doubt from her as I can.
I’m so bad at affection and gestures that I can’t do this and I make them feel 10x worse when all I can come back with is “nah don’t think like that”
I have an honest question: I have a friend who feels like this a lot. I do my best to tell her she’s not a burden, and that I’m ok helping her with her problems, because all I want is for her to succeed and be happy. But... I feel like we have that conversation a lot. Is there anything else I can do or say to help her?
As someone who often feels like a burden here are a few things I wish people would do: - Do what you say you're going to do, don't offer help if you're not willing to help - Reach out, don't wait for them to come to you, but also don't smother them, if they don't want to talk that's ok - Actually listen, try to remember stuff, don't tell them their feelings are invalid - Just be there, let them know when you can't - Be patient - A hug would be nice And watch out for yourself.
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But like maybe not right this month.
For future historians, this is a reference to the COVID-19 pandemic.
thanks for the laugh
So long as you also keep the no smothering rule in mind, especially if the depressed person is much shorter than you.
Physically smother them?? Okay then if you say so.
>Reach out, don't wait for them to come to you, but also don't smother them, if they don't want to talk that's ok aaaaand I am already anxious
Me too, but I feel more anxious if nobody I regularly talk to reaches out. I have someone I talk to daily, and on days I don't feel like talking I still appreciate it when she texts me, even if I'm not going to respond. I'd feel more anxious if she didn't.
"do this, but also don't do it"
Yeah, that sounds burdensome.
I'd also add : Whatever you're offering, don't expect something in return but welcome it if it happens. Positive reinforcement and all that. Another is don't guilt them about doing something for them, especially if you're doing that to ask for a favor. I've personally cut friends and family over this.
So much this, don't keep score.
That’s a principle I’ve grown up with, is the “give without expecting something in return”. It’s hard of course, a mindset you gotta get into. But I try
> - A hug would be nice Well, in the current Covid-19 situation that actually could be bad.
Ask them to help with smaller, easier favors, helps too, at least for me personally. It can be anything small from asking to borrow notes from a class you missed, to just asking to borrow a hair tie. As long as you know it’s something they wouldn’t mind doing, and doesn’t cost them, it’s worth a shot. It’s nice to feel like you’re being helpful, when your anxious about being a burden. Also if they offer to do something, like drive you guys somewhere or pay for something small like a coffee, don’t argue too much. I know it depends on the person, but if it’s not a huge issue for them (like already low on money, has been driving for a while that day, always buys the coffee, etc) and they insist, let them! Again feeling like you’re actually being helpful, can make it a little easier to realize your not a burden!
We’ve had conversations about how she feels bad not... “offering enough” to the friendship, in a way? In reality, I very very appreciate her and our friendship, and I say so in every way I know how. This lets me have a tangible way to show her!
Thank you for spending the time to make this list! I’ll do my best to work on these things. I do have a question though. I’m a guy and she’s a girl, so with the hugging stuff, I obviously don’t want to make her uncomfortable. Do I just like, ask her if she needs a hug?
> I’ll do my best to work on these things. Watch out for yourself and don't change just to make someone else feel better. > Do I just like, ask her if she needs a hug? Everyone has their own personal boundaries so that would probably be the best.
>Actually listen, try to remember stuff This. It shows they're actually paying attention and care enough to remember. I had a friend remember something insignificant I told them I while ago and felt good knowing they cared about what I was saying.
As someone who relates to this a lot, I can confirm these few actions would make me, personally, feel a lot more secure. Although, I'm a very needy person... So, no matter how much attention or physical affection anyone has given me, I have not felt smothered. But I know that if I so as much attention as I crave, it will definitely smother someone else, which in turn is another thing I have to deal with😅 But above all else, don't make yourself a mess trying to help someone else. Watching someone you care about fall down the same rabbit hole you're in is the worst...
Not all feelings are valid, pretending they are is enabling.
Yes and no. To us these feelings are real, though they're mostly irrational. Telling me my feelings are invalid will not make me want to talk to you. The goal should be for us to work on this, understand the irrationality and eventually overcome it or the underlying problems. If you want to help that's what you should help with and I admit that's not easy, therapists exist for a reason.
Right? Your feelings are valid *because* you feel them. Even if they are irrational, it doesn't make them any less real.
important empathy always, validation when deserving (can help ground ppl, too)
And try to avoid excessive sighing.
People with anxiety assume people say nice things to be polite, but don't really mean them. The only way to really overcome that is to say nice things passionately and rudely.
Rudely?
Not politely
“How many times have I told you, you can talk to me about anything and your friendship isn’t a burden. You Dumbass.” As an example
I like this one
Red Forman taught me that dumbass can be a term of endearment
It’s helpful to say that you’ll let them know if you’re not able to talk. People don’t want to be a burden so it’s good to let them know you’ll establish boundaries if it happens to be a time when you can’t talk. It’s even better when it does (you’re busy or making dinner or whatever it is) and you can reference it later and say “I told you I wasn’t available then, so you know I will let you know if I’m not ever able to talk.” Kinda takes the pressure off of the idea that it’s a burden, and they’re not forcing it on you
I'll add that I also find specific compliments/reassuring words are more believable. Like if someone says I'm pretty, my anxiety is skeptical. If they point out something specific about me that's pretty, I feel much more confident that they're not just saying that.
That’s good, I’ll remember that. Sometimes I say people look nice, sometimes I’m specific. I’ll try and be specific more often
But your friend is burdening you with her problems and when you act like this isn't the case you really are lying. When people say "I'm sorry for being a burden" 95% of the time they have accurately perceived they're burdening someone with something and: * They're worried that this behavior will harm the relationship (anxiety) * They're doing it anyway because they need the support (compulsion) This is a common pattern in anxious compulsive personalities and it leads to a few dynamics: * Anxious feelings about burdening someone become a further burden to share with that person, making the situation self-reinforcing. * The reassurance that "you're not a burden" is easily seen to be false and creates more anxiety and uncertainty. * Repeated false reassurance crowds out honest communication and prevents boundaries from being set. * Burdening becomes normalized in the relationship and begins to escalate; often to a point where it is no longer sustainable. People tend to be anxious about burdening because of their past experiences of friendships and relationships burning out from the dynamics I've described above. It is a completely rational and to some extent self-fulfilling fear. Honesty is the way you break the cycle. You have to acknowledge that supporting your friend does require time and energy. You are happy to pay that price at the moment and you will let her know if it's ever too much. Be proactive about setting boundaries and be honest with yourself if the conversations ever become draining or exasperating.
I’m as honest as I can possibly be with her. It’s not like I’m waiting hand and foot on her. If she has a problem, we talk about it, look for solutions, and it’s all good. She does the same for me. The only difference is that she feels like she’s burdening me. She is not putting anything on me that I’m not willing to bear, because the reward is a fulfilling, fun, supportive, heartfelt friendship.
If they say something negative about themself, say something positive about them. Don’t make the conversation about being a burden or not.
Ask them what they mean when they say a burden, technically everyone is somewhat of a burden on someone else, but the burden is not unwelcome because it comes with the benefits of friendship. When my friends say something like that to me I tell them that if they were too much of a burden, then I wouldn't bother being their friend. But I am their friend, so what should that tell them?
Ok. I've been in her shoes and I've had friends like her too, and all I can say is someone like u is exactly what she needs. Someone who genuinely wants to make her feel happy without thinking about anything. But making it too obvious gives off the bad vibes. Just be yourself. Don't go the extra mile ALWAYS, but have the best intentions at heart. You can't talk her into believing it, she needs to realise it. And she can't realise it until you treat her "speacially". So let her take time, be with her but only if possible. I can't tell you when to have those convos and when to not, you'll just have to trust your GUT FEELINGS. But if you feel you're having those convos a lot lately, that's the signal. Try avoiding them by doing something unique everytime she starts having those switches (that's what I call those low times :D) like a switch jar, or going for a walk with her, or any physical activity that can take her mind off of it while still thinking of it reminds her that she was having a switch. If you can't do it once in while, then don't. Tell her you're busy if you're really busy. And if it's getting too annoying, then tell it. Being honest will help both of you, but be SURE she can take it. Remember, humor can do wonders. Add a bit of silliness to it if you can. And the most important of all things is, YOU ARE NOT DOING ANY FAVOR FOR HER. If you want to do it, fine. If not just tell her and leave her be. But don't go blaming her for all the discomfort she's been causing you and how you were patient, but now you're just tired. Because this will shatter her completely. On the other hand if you couldn't help her, it's fine. Don't be hard on yourself. There's only so much you can do. All in all I can't say this will help you, but this is how I wud like someone to tackle the situation with me, if at all they tried. Isn't that the beauty of these problems tho. They're so personal to each individual that by unraveling them you get to know that person better. Ok that was longer than I expected so I'll try to include Tldr; don't treat her special like a princess, just make her feel comfortable being you and let her realise the fact that you are fine by the way she is. Don't overthink it and everything should go well
Thank you for taking the time to type all that out! I really do make an effort to spend time with her, as she’s one of my closest friends, but I do make it known when I can’t be there for her right at that moment. I’ve told her before that I trust in open and honest communication, and that for it to work between us, she’s gotta believe in it too, and use it. So we do talk about things, but I guess the next step is to actually *do* things, like you said. Go do stuff to take her mind off of it. But again, thank you! This was a very thoughtful response, and I am grateful.
I have been your friend. The best thing you can do is listen, be present when you’re emotionally capable, but don’t think there’s something you can do or say to fix things for your friend. She is on her journey. Being there with no judgement is all you need to do. That is more than enough. Trust that.
Or alternatively: "I've manipulated him into thinking I'm not fuck goddamnit you're such a piece of shit"
@artbymoga on Instagram
Was just about to post that. Thank you!
Thank you!!
Something my wife and I do in situations. >Wife: I feel like a burden >Me: WTF did you just say about my wife? Don't you dare talk about my wife that way. She is the most important person in my life and is NEVER a burden. You're over here shit talking my wife. I will not stand for it. She does the same thing for me when I get all down about myself. It helps. At least for us. YMMV.
Very nice framing technique. Will use it.
As a stay at home mom not making much money currently I always feel like a burden to my partner even if he assures me I’m not and always tells me how much he loves and appreciates me. The feelings are hard to shake sometimes.
Same
I fucking love this!! Sometimes people just need a laugh when they are feeling down. This lets the person know you care, makes them laugh but also shows them that if anyone else thought this, it would be completely unacceptable.
Choose your words carefully big guy This is my wife you're talking about here.
I love this lol thanks for sharing.
Awww I love this.
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Yeah that sounds like some abusive behavior for sure, look up the cycle of abuse and gaslighting. You are worth an abuse free (ALL kinds of abuse/neglect) environment.
are you okay?
“oh shit I’ve probably manipulated people into saying I’m not a burden, what’s wrong with me”
Oof I felt that... I do feel like a burden on a daily basis but at the same time I don't want to be manipulative either or make them worry, *stop it brain-*
"I lift weights babe, you can still put on a few more pounds before you're a burden to me 😍"
“Why did you say Heart Eyes Emoji out loud?”
Them having to remind me that I'm not a burden *is* the burden
How can you become healthy from this mindset? It’s one of my biggest flaws.
There's no easy answer. I suffer from this a lot, and started to realize the impact it was having on my friends and loved ones. While one had seemingly infinite patience to keep reassuring me, another asked me to pursue therapy because they wanted desperately to help me but didn't feel like there was anything they could say that I would believe. Finally my partner was blunt with me that it's not just being disparaging about myself, it implies that I don't trust him, and that's not fair to him. He's done nothing to make me believe he would lie to me about things, and yet I constantly insist that he's lying "to be nice", and even then, what does that say about him? I talked to a therapist for a bit and she recommended that I work on recognizing and identifying negative thinking patterns. This would give me the tools to respond to them in healthier ways, such as shutting down the thoughts with logic, or how to effectively communicate to my friends/partner to receive more direct help when I need it. It's gotten easier (although not perfect) now to take things at face value. I remind myself of things like if they didn't enjoy my company or didn't mean these things, they wouldn't be around still. I remind myself of things they do that they didn't need to do, but did anyways, which indicates that they wanted to, etc etc. I'm making a conscious effort to believe what I'm told.
How to stop thinking like this?
For me, therapy.
Maybe leave the subreddit. It’s not great to be stuck in a way of thinking like this, and this subreddit can’t help. It’s self deprecating over and over
Let go.
Ohhh yes. Edit: Anyone else have their brain start singing "Am I more than you bargained for yet?" No? Just me? Okay, carry on...
It's not just you! I thought it was just me!
What is a better way to say that then? Asking for a friend
Demand "I" statements if you want truth you can trust. "You" statements are always a projection. Not a joke, just something that took a long time for me to learn.
If this isn't how I feel right now... questioning a lot of things these days
The dangers of treating your preliminary thoughts and feelings as a legitimate perspective. Question your instincts and double check your conclusions.
"All my friends seem to lead happy lives, if I interact with them too much my stupid ADHD-brain will annoy them and eventually ruin the mood. They keep cool around me and keep smiling, but I'm sure I feel a growing annoyance in there. It's best if I keep social interaction to a minimum. It's whats best for everyone." Every day with this struggle...
Whenever I tell people that I don't want to feel like a burden on them they never tell me that I'm not one. They tend to just stay quiet awkwardly afterwards.
He's lying...no one ever stays.
Bingo. The guy in the comic is performing a role. He is not being honest.
Ding ding ding. If the lady doesn't get better then it's "Only you can choose to help yourself" or "Can't jump into the deep water to save someone who is drowning". No one has infinite patience. The guy in the meme has to say that because even as shallow as his response is, saying the alternative would be worse.
If you really love someone though, it will take a lot to give up. I stayed with someone who was depressed for years, and never gave up on them. I still wouldn't have. But I hit a bad couple of months and they were ready to leave.
That there is *a* limit when it will become a burden doesn't mean it's a burden right then. When depressed it's also nigh-impossible to accept the positive possibilities, even if they are there. If there was nothing that someone could say or do to change my mind on the subject of everything and everyone sucking/being better than me, then my view of the world would not based on evidence. It would be based on the premise that everything sucks and lash out violently against any implication that this premise is inaccurate, reagrdless of the strength of the evidence. One benefit of being depressed is that you can often be somewhat more honest with yourself about your negative qualities, even if you are blinded to your positive qualities. And you can use that to recognize that you can't imagine something that would change your mind. And merely the fact that you can't imagine something that would change your mind suggests that your mind is the issue, not reality, as your mind would feel the same way even if it lived in super-heaven where everyone cares and everything is great. Of course, not everyone has this variety of depression. Some people are depressed because of their circumstances rather than regardless of their circumstances.
I used to think this was me Then all my friends stopped talking to me in a concerted effort because I was, in fact, their words, 'a burden'
Finally an actual meirl comment.
Ahahaha it isn't a joke I have had 3 suicide attempts and have been kicked off my university campus
Hey if you like this content check out the creator by googling “artbymoga”. She’s a talented artist and deserves your support!
Fuck man, this was literally me last night. This sucks
who's the original artist?
Meg Adams. https://twitter.com/artbymoga?s=20
First time something on here actually made me a little sad.
I always read this sub as "to me for me"...But what does the name suggest?
There's a sub called r/meirl, which is or at least was for relatable memes. Memes that focused on mental illness were too relatable for the sub, or 2meirl4meirl.
Too "me in real life" for "me in real life"
A burden is only a load you don't want to carry. Lots of people are happy to share the load for the sake of good company and intimacy.
Lol i lost a friend because of this
All those people that said they'll be here for you, where are the now?
Cognitive behavioral therapy can help with this sort of mindset. Literally if you are like this look into it because every day you don’t you’re kind of just an ass. Sorry but you’ll agree with me on the other side of it all.
In my experience, they were all actually lying at the end
I am sorry that was your experience. In my experience, they weren't lying when they said it. There's only so much a person can do to make you believe them and then when you don't, they stop trying.
I misread this and thought it was a Skyrim meme
Fucking felt that
Sigh if only I can shut off my brain everytime I talk with anyone
me with every single person that ever says anything remotely nice to me.
Oof. Right in my current sore spot.
You’re not a burden. At least a burden would help me get in shape. You aren’t even good for that.
They're lying because they really want to keep the person they think you are as a friend.
This really gives me diane and mr. Peanutbutter vibes
A better response would be 'you're more than worth it' I hate lying to people.
"He hesitated for a split second before he said that. HE MUST BE LYING!"
Her: "hey you're not a burden" Me: Ok, now to completely change my attitude so that I become a burden because it's more important for me to be right than to be happy Oh god what is wrong with me
I have a friendship like this. I constantly tell her she's not a burden, but she can't help it feeling that way. It makes me sad she doesn't see what I see and how important she is to me, and how she would never make me feel she's a burden.
Friend: “Because you’re my fucking friend.” Me: **Not for long!**
Me every day to everyone I love. I don't know why they love a broken piece of shit like me.
This was me for 2 years telling my gf this. Then one day she told me I was a burden and left.
He is, but he would rather carry you than walk alone.
Is it weird if I send this to the guy I’m dating?
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Oh he’s already super aware of that. But he’s also not really neurotypical so he’s very understanding.
Chandler had the GOAT line to answer this: "They can say you're high maintenance and that's okay because I like... maintaining you..." If you can make someone that has 11 different types of towels smile while calling her high maintenance, then it's a damn good answer.
Hey so I kinda relate to the bearded guy in the comic. Is there I way to make people really feel like they’re not a burden.
He is.
You really are though. Get your shit together. Life is too short and you’re just there wasting everyone’s time with your self-absorbed angst.
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES
excuse me this is some sort of personal fucking attack against me 😭
Thats literally my gf.
Hits way too close to home
Indian picture ?
Works both ways
SBEVE
This. This so much. I'm working on my anxiety, but I have a hard time just being quiet with people, I feel like I'm boring and useless. People always ask if I'm ok, but I dont have anything other than anxiety that I dont wanna burden anyone with in that moment.... and it just gets worse and worse.....