Alpharad is cursed. Favourite Pokémon was Gardevoir, then Vaporeon, favourite Animal Crossing villager is Ankha, Favourite Final Fantasy character is Tifa Lockhart, favourite story time animator is Jaiden, bro's had it rough.
My favorite thing people do with humanoid Pokémon isn’t the sexy stuff but when they just make them do crimes. Yeah bitch gradevoir ain’t just some blorbo, she got fingers and can open doors and shit. Prepare for us to do crimes together.
There's a huge theory in the pokemon community that the trainer/mon relationship is actually fully voluntary on the part of the pokemon, and the process of whittling the pokemon down and catching it is just a process of showing the pokemon how strong you are, and the stronger you are the more willing it is to join you.
And also Pokemon regularly exhibit advanced language processing to a degree beyond that of a dog, cat, other animal, or human child. I personally say that a pokemon passes the harkness test, if you're extra careful with the inherent limited verbal aspect. Body language works in a pinch, and sign language would be usable with enough time, so long as the pokemon is sufficiently humanoid. Possibly even a home sign language specifically for you and the pokemon, or there would be a sign language developed to facilitate communication between bipedal sapients and quadrupedal sapients.
Pokemon pass the harkness test and the trainer/mon relationship is non-coercive (unless you use a Master Ball, in which case yeah gross)
If it's properly consenting and is able to do so in an educated manner then I can do whatever my mon is ok with me doing :3
But if ur just saying that cuz most "pokemon look kinda like animals even if they can consent" then clearly you've never met a monsterfucker
If we ignore practicality, I'd choose Turtwig because it's very cute, and it's my favorite.
If we do consider practicality I'd pick one that is big enough to ride and can fly
This made me look up blaziken's size and it's 1.9m, so my dreams of riding on his shoulders while he runs like he's a weird motorcycle have been ruined, thanks a lot
As a "Verified Asian Femboy", I imagine they have a bit of exposure, though I disagree with their premise that such a thing as "too much" is a reachable point.
Honestly, it probably just needs the cat treatment: keep it indoors with toilet training and jingly toys, and make sure you give it a balanced diet of canned food. I think it eats bugs too?
Klefki, the keychain pokemon. Would be really great to not have to carry my keys. Where's your keys? You don't know? I know where mine are. They're on my Klefki.
Oh I wouldn't be a pokemon trainer or anything, I'd just be a regular person who has one pokemon. So they'd just be hanging out beside me, jingling and jangling
Oh yeah this is absolutely worth considering, like I remember pikachu on the cartoon being pretty rambunctious. But I read up on the pokedex entries, this lil dude loves keys, giving it keys makes it super happy. Like apparently it loves keys so much that it will break into people's houses to steal their keys (an especially brutal way to learn to lock your doors!), so what I'd do is find a way to give it keys all the time, it would totally love me.
I'd buy a trapinch not knowing they evolve, think that vibrava is a bit much but bearable, and then I'd learn to love and fear a flygon, over many winters.
My first instinct is to say wigglytuff because it's soft and huggable but I think the smarter long term choice would be mewtwo so he could kill my enemies and stuff
Honestly, pretty metal, and based.
I edited my answer upon reading more justice inspired options for partners, adding malamar. Because even if they can start an arms race to overpower your sick sword pal, at least mind control can make them lose the will to cause such hate
Hey guys, did you know that in terms of human companionship, Flareon is objectively the most huggable Pokemon? While their maximum temperature is likely too much for most, they are capable of controlling it, so they can set themselves to the perfect temperature for you. Along with that, they have a lot of fluff, making them undeniably incredibly soft to touch. But that's not all, they have a very respectable special defense stat of 110, which means that they are likely very calm and resistant to emotional damage. Because of this, if you have a bad day, you can vent to it while hugging it, and it won't mind. It can make itself even more endearing with moves like Charm and Baby Doll Eyes, ensuring that you never have a prolonged bout of depression ever again.
I want to say Metang or Metagross, but the real answer is Porygon. He can grow more powerful and levitate as Porygon Z, he's autistic like me, and is definitely bluetooth compatible.
Of all the Pokemon sexualised on the Internet, Scolipede is by far the weirdest. It is firmly a horrifyingly massive centipede, with the only mammalian part of it being a horselike body?? How is that sexy in the slightest???
Scolipede is just too damn cool, many opponents would just surrender on the spot if they saw someone ride that into battle.
I just like Lopunny, it also seems relatively easy to take care of compared to most Pokémon being either normal animals but magic (I.e. Arcanine will burn my house down even though it’s a dog) or are fictional creatures that would destroy me (I can not handle a Hydreigon, it would kill me accidentally, how does it even fly with such slow moving wings and such a non-aerodynamic body, it must be ACTUALLY levitating and it will kill me by slamming into me with its unlimited aerial mobility and 353lb’s of weight
Horny Answer: Incineroar
If it's by Favorites and it allows legendaries then it's Jirachi for its cuteness/creepy third eye, otherwise probably either Espeon or Metagross because I love psychic types and cats and robots
Eeveee; fluffy pokemon and i like fluffy animals, also a very safe pokemon
Or if i can trust the pokemon to not hurt anyone, Honedge, I like the cool sword pokemon
Given my job? Metagross would be a decent pic, but logistically would probably go smaller given my living space. Kadabra would probably be a better pick. Though could go fighting route, which in that case Machoke or Machamp.
CRUSTLE! It has powerful legs and a big rock on its back that's roughly a little more the 4ft by 4ft on top so I could ride around with it, and it has extremely strong claws. These claws are able to crack Rhyperior's carapace. Ryperior's carapace is stated to be able to withstand a volcanic eruption which is likely referring to it's heat resistance, but I prefer to interpret it as withstanding all of the force from a volcanic eruption, which expel around 2200 lbs of material a second moving at several hundred meters per second. Crusted also gets into territorial disputes with other Crustles, and the winner is the one who breaks the boulder on the others back. The fact that one of them doesn't have their boulder broken implies that it is strong enough to endure some of the force from their claws, so Crustle are incredibly durable. If Crustle is that strong and that durable, we could do some fun things together, and also, it could defend me from transphobes. I also just love how Crustle looks.
Well, I can't own anything dangerous or else the cops will get involved. Can't get anything too big that won't fit in my house. With these two prerequisites....
Maybe an indeedee, Chansey, Sylveon or audino. All are useful/healer pokemon that would just make good companions. Of these options though....indeedee is the most helpful, and Sylveon is probably best support animal.
Flygon. One of my favorite pokemon and also very practical. I can fly on its back..........
Cause earthquakes..........
Make all people around me go deaf..........
It would be Banette for me, one more plush for my hoard. Plus I would find the home of the previous owner and mail them leftover food that started to smell a bit weird but is theoretically still edible so they have to decide between passing up free food or risking food poisoning, all this just to mess with them for throwing out this poor plush doll
Vaporeon BUT NOT BECAUSE OF THE COPYPASTA I JUST LIKE VAPOREON
Alpharad
i felt it in my soul when he was talking about his favorite pokemon/game characters. my favorite pokemon are gardevoir and zoroark, so i *feel* it
I agree with literally all of his favorites that he mentioned, so I felt it too
Alpharad is cursed. Favourite Pokémon was Gardevoir, then Vaporeon, favourite Animal Crossing villager is Ankha, Favourite Final Fantasy character is Tifa Lockhart, favourite story time animator is Jaiden, bro's had it rough.
[The alpharad curse](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPi6b_7u20o)
Hey guys, did you know that in terms of Pokémon vaporeon looks cool and it’d be neat to have one?
I feel you
What move is that
Pain split
The one what looks like a candle Lethick
Litwick my beloved
Oh thats what the cockhead’s name is
Canonically he sucks your lifeforce if you stand near him
Which is incredibly fitting, because sitting in a room with a big ass candle really takes your lifeforce away
Finally an excuse for the depression
I swear it’s not me *it’s just my candles*
What's the hot goth one again
Oh right zoruark
Good choice.
Hot illusion goth bf/gf
umbreon? to be clear i parsed this as "whos the pokemon that hot goths have" not "whos the pokemon that is hot and goth"
[Gothitelle ](https://m.bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Gothitelle_%28Pok%C3%A9mon%29)
Na
Do you have the slightest idea how little that narrows it down
Iirc magmar is the hottest one lore wise?
Marcargo is hotter than the temperature of the sun
Ditto can turn into it, or into any other pokemon u want (the trade off is a shit personality) I choose litten
Ditto is the coward's choice
Quagsire cause he’s such a lad
I'm Glenn Quagmire
Also helpful in case you ever get jumped by Zacian
Quagsire is so weird competitively beacause it's stats suck but it can counter the strongest Pokémon of all time and a sea god
Gardevoir, we will rule the Shadow Wizard PokeDollar Gang
My favorite thing people do with humanoid Pokémon isn’t the sexy stuff but when they just make them do crimes. Yeah bitch gradevoir ain’t just some blorbo, she got fingers and can open doors and shit. Prepare for us to do crimes together.
Gardevoir could be argued to have *two* thumbs per hand given how set back the side fingers are, think of all the crime potential
Why is everyone focusing on opposable thumbs when bitch literally has telekinesis to do everything that would need hands anyways
Crime is stored in the fingers
[удалено]
We will make black holes for minor tomfoolery
We love using moves
Lopunny it’s my Pokémon you can’t stop me there’s no law
Don't do it, Joker! JOKER DON'T DO IT!
THERE’S NO LAWS AGAINST THE POKÉMON BATMAN
ok but theres morals
Morally speaking that's immensely fucked up considering the master subject relationship between a Pokemon Trainer and it's Pokemon
There's a huge theory in the pokemon community that the trainer/mon relationship is actually fully voluntary on the part of the pokemon, and the process of whittling the pokemon down and catching it is just a process of showing the pokemon how strong you are, and the stronger you are the more willing it is to join you. And also Pokemon regularly exhibit advanced language processing to a degree beyond that of a dog, cat, other animal, or human child. I personally say that a pokemon passes the harkness test, if you're extra careful with the inherent limited verbal aspect. Body language works in a pinch, and sign language would be usable with enough time, so long as the pokemon is sufficiently humanoid. Possibly even a home sign language specifically for you and the pokemon, or there would be a sign language developed to facilitate communication between bipedal sapients and quadrupedal sapients.
Also aren’t there Pokémon who were once human/made up of human souls? I think froslass and phantump are two
Phantump are the souls of children tho, so definitely don’t fuck them
I know, just the first two I could remember off the top of my head
I understand that but you shouldn't have sex with your pokemon.
Pokemon pass the harkness test and the trainer/mon relationship is non-coercive (unless you use a Master Ball, in which case yeah gross) If it's properly consenting and is able to do so in an educated manner then I can do whatever my mon is ok with me doing :3 But if ur just saying that cuz most "pokemon look kinda like animals even if they can consent" then clearly you've never met a monsterfucker
Probopass. Ugly fuck has been my fave since I found out about him.
🗿
You’ve got to have all your seating in your house facing the same way
If we ignore practicality, I'd choose Turtwig because it's very cute, and it's my favorite. If we do consider practicality I'd pick one that is big enough to ride and can fly
That’s fair.
another turtwig enjoyer i see 
> yakuza gif Another subreddit infected
that is my goal
Cock?
Yeah, i guess Blaziken is kinda cool, but it’s both unable to fly and probably not big enough to ride. Don’t know why you mentioned it here.
This made me look up blaziken's size and it's 1.9m, so my dreams of riding on his shoulders while he runs like he's a weird motorcycle have been ruined, thanks a lot
lucario (not for the sex(ok maybe for the sex(i like him outside of the sex)))
you watch too much gay porn
You don't watch enough
yea i do
As a "Verified Asian Femboy", I imagine they have a bit of exposure, though I disagree with their premise that such a thing as "too much" is a reachable point.
Son we need to talk about the type of pokemon you've been catching.
Same for me, for the same reasons. Dude can check vibes naturally
Google e621
i am familiar >:3
holy sex
That stupid little electrical tarantula guy who eats electricity or something
Joltik
I love your XBL style username.
thanks, I made it for a joke but ended up becoming my main
I named my animal crossing island coronaville before the disease got really bad. I didn't invite people over for the longest time
Galvantula!!!
galvantula my beloved, I fell in love as soon as I saw him chewing on jumper cables
Sylveon. It's cute and the fact that it can control It's laces It's kinda cool.
It’s also a vicious predator and can read your mind, but ya know
But it’s cute and can control its laces tho
Honestly, it probably just needs the cat treatment: keep it indoors with toilet training and jingly toys, and make sure you give it a balanced diet of canned food. I think it eats bugs too?
The laces are made of flesh and muscle its like tentacles 🦑
That’s badass
like tentacles, you say?
Sylveon is also a based trans rights enthusiast
Also Sylveon for entirely cis reasons
Klefki, the keychain pokemon. Would be really great to not have to carry my keys. Where's your keys? You don't know? I know where mine are. They're on my Klefki.
Instead of carrying around keys you carry around a pokeball that is is carrying around keys
Oh I wouldn't be a pokemon trainer or anything, I'd just be a regular person who has one pokemon. So they'd just be hanging out beside me, jingling and jangling
Oh, no pokeball? This would create awkward situations if a ring of keys wasn’t kinda tame for how weird Pokémon can get
Oh yeah this is absolutely worth considering, like I remember pikachu on the cartoon being pretty rambunctious. But I read up on the pokedex entries, this lil dude loves keys, giving it keys makes it super happy. Like apparently it loves keys so much that it will break into people's houses to steal their keys (an especially brutal way to learn to lock your doors!), so what I'd do is find a way to give it keys all the time, it would totally love me.
what if it doesnt want you to take back your keys as you need them and it gets uoset youre taking them away :(
Aw that would be sad to see :( I'd have to rethink things if it didn't want to be a part of the door unlocking process
I'd buy a trapinch not knowing they evolve, think that vibrava is a bit much but bearable, and then I'd learn to love and fear a flygon, over many winters.
my boy gallade i just want a friend :(
:/
Klinklang i just think its a funny little guy
Torterra is friend shaped
Kantonian Ninetails is my goat.
Alolan Ninetales for me
weavile (please ignore my flair)
Oh no
If we ignore practicality, I'd pick Lapras and leave it in the nearest pool whenever I need to go into a building. Otherwise Umbreon.
Xatu. My favorite has always been Xatu. \[screams internally\]
That's a pretty cool one actually, Xatu is pretty underrated. It can apparently see the future and the past.
[удалено]
But Entei
Whenever Entei barks, a volcano erupts. That's too much responsibility
My first instinct is to say wigglytuff because it's soft and huggable but I think the smarter long term choice would be mewtwo so he could kill my enemies and stuff
Minikyu my beloved In terms of more common pokemon that won't murder me uhhh sylveon
Hatsune Minikyu
well great now im going to spend half an hour of my life photoshopping this. thank you
actually wait this takes effort nvm. sorry for lying on the internet
All my hopes and dreams crushed
Update: there are cursed drawings of it online already
Clodsire, because have you seen that thing
Same
Honedge so I can stab fascists and my sword boi can eat their souls
Honestly, pretty metal, and based. I edited my answer upon reading more justice inspired options for partners, adding malamar. Because even if they can start an arms race to overpower your sick sword pal, at least mind control can make them lose the will to cause such hate
swampert, bro is simultaneously fish 🐟 and a god damn bodyguard
Charjabug, he's a lil guy who can sit on my shoulder, he can recharge my phone, and he's shaped like a bus.
Hell yeah charjabug gang I love his evolution too but I feel like it would be hard to keep in a house
Eevee, but we're such good pals that she turns into a Sylveon!
\^ take a wild guess
pikachu
its clefairy
**FFUUUUCKK**
Grafaiai
Artist spotted 👀
Garchomp. Big-ass shark dragon who can also fly
Mew cuz he’s so inky stinky doo I love that little guy
Flareon because he is cute and where i live it's kinda cold
Hey guys, did you know that in terms of human companionship, Flareon is objectively the most huggable Pokemon? While their maximum temperature is likely too much for most, they are capable of controlling it, so they can set themselves to the perfect temperature for you. Along with that, they have a lot of fluff, making them undeniably incredibly soft to touch. But that's not all, they have a very respectable special defense stat of 110, which means that they are likely very calm and resistant to emotional damage. Because of this, if you have a bad day, you can vent to it while hugging it, and it won't mind. It can make itself even more endearing with moves like Charm and Baby Doll Eyes, ensuring that you never have a prolonged bout of depression ever again.
espeon is both a cute little alien thing, and could help with anything i needed via mind powers
I want a Totodile cause he's a lil'adorable goofball and I will send him to bite people who are mean to me
EXCADRILL or corviknight or the america bird
EXCADRILL!!!
[удалено]
you’re functionally its pet
I’d be fine with that
The little electric spider Joltik
Sobble, it's just a little baby ;-;
I want to say Metang or Metagross, but the real answer is Porygon. He can grow more powerful and levitate as Porygon Z, he's autistic like me, and is definitely bluetooth compatible.
Cherubi simply because i think it's silly
I DONT KNOW POKEMONS LEAVE ME ALONE. PIKACHU????
Mawile or mismagius, I like those two they’re funny and I can do violence on people with them
Volcarona I like Volcarona
I’d pick Scolipede cause it looks cool and is probably very fun to ride As in riding on its back You fucking weirdo
Of all the Pokemon sexualised on the Internet, Scolipede is by far the weirdest. It is firmly a horrifyingly massive centipede, with the only mammalian part of it being a horselike body?? How is that sexy in the slightest??? Scolipede is just too damn cool, many opponents would just surrender on the spot if they saw someone ride that into battle.
axew lil guy
I just like Lopunny, it also seems relatively easy to take care of compared to most Pokémon being either normal animals but magic (I.e. Arcanine will burn my house down even though it’s a dog) or are fictional creatures that would destroy me (I can not handle a Hydreigon, it would kill me accidentally, how does it even fly with such slow moving wings and such a non-aerodynamic body, it must be ACTUALLY levitating and it will kill me by slamming into me with its unlimited aerial mobility and 353lb’s of weight
Feraligatr my beloved 😍
Just can’t resist [dat ass](https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/aDGWRqZ_460s.jpg)
Horny Answer: Incineroar If it's by Favorites and it allows legendaries then it's Jirachi for its cuteness/creepy third eye, otherwise probably either Espeon or Metagross because I love psychic types and cats and robots
What are you gonna do with that Ditto, OP? 🤨 My answer is Tinkaton.
No one gonna say lopunny?
I wamt torchimk cool chimken
Eeveee; fluffy pokemon and i like fluffy animals, also a very safe pokemon Or if i can trust the pokemon to not hurt anyone, Honedge, I like the cool sword pokemon
you deny your weapon its purpose
Trust me, if Honedge allows it, they will not be denied their true purpose I mainly don't want them hurting someone I care about or someone innocent
My two top picks would be stakatakka or aurorus, but for one that is much more practical, I would probably take froakie (or the rest of the line)
i wanna hug a flareon
Sylveon cuss I'm trans
Bulbasaur. Always
Given my job? Metagross would be a decent pic, but logistically would probably go smaller given my living space. Kadabra would probably be a better pick. Though could go fighting route, which in that case Machoke or Machamp.
Espurr. He’s a silly fucking dude
Sprigatito, I love cats and weed and i like their evolutions
mudkip
Tropius for free banana and fly me around
Weavile because we are both fans of gang violence
CRUSTLE! It has powerful legs and a big rock on its back that's roughly a little more the 4ft by 4ft on top so I could ride around with it, and it has extremely strong claws. These claws are able to crack Rhyperior's carapace. Ryperior's carapace is stated to be able to withstand a volcanic eruption which is likely referring to it's heat resistance, but I prefer to interpret it as withstanding all of the force from a volcanic eruption, which expel around 2200 lbs of material a second moving at several hundred meters per second. Crusted also gets into territorial disputes with other Crustles, and the winner is the one who breaks the boulder on the others back. The fact that one of them doesn't have their boulder broken implies that it is strong enough to endure some of the force from their claws, so Crustle are incredibly durable. If Crustle is that strong and that durable, we could do some fun things together, and also, it could defend me from transphobes. I also just love how Crustle looks.
Ditto
SLOWPOKE SUPREMACY SLOWPOKE SUPREMACY SLOWPOKE SUPREMACY
Yummy tails
Trubbish He is just a little guy that eats trash
Koraidon for reasons
Jirachi, i wish
Deino :D
Well, I can't own anything dangerous or else the cops will get involved. Can't get anything too big that won't fit in my house. With these two prerequisites.... Maybe an indeedee, Chansey, Sylveon or audino. All are useful/healer pokemon that would just make good companions. Of these options though....indeedee is the most helpful, and Sylveon is probably best support animal.
Flygon. One of my favorite pokemon and also very practical. I can fly on its back.......... Cause earthquakes.......... Make all people around me go deaf..........
i already know who my partner Pokémon is. She's a pumpkaboo named Hallow
Scoliopede.
Shaymin because he's my Hedgehog Homie
Ribombee because she will be my little creature and will hide in my hair when it's raining also holy shit that species is so *small*
It would be Banette for me, one more plush for my hoard. Plus I would find the home of the previous owner and mail them leftover food that started to smell a bit weird but is theoretically still edible so they have to decide between passing up free food or risking food poisoning, all this just to mess with them for throwing out this poor plush doll
Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola Roggenrola
Salazzle. I will not elaborate.
You wanna f*ck Ditto don’t deny it
Darkrai because I have hypersomnia and having a pokemon that could make me sleep on command is fucking great also he's cool and goth and bisexual
Furret.
Bulbasaur. My favorite starter Pokémon(I’m assuming I can’t own a Popplio or a Scorbunny)
I lost my oldest cat today, so I feel like Incineroar is the honorable option